#and it sucks because I actually like exercising when I'm listening to my body | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

viviennelamb · 1 month

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Hello Vivienne. I just finished your book after purchasing it for my kindle yesterday. Finding your writings has been in direct accordance to my souls path to enlightenment, it came at just the right time. I just wanted to let you know how much your writing has already impacted many others and is going to lead to the healing and awakening of numerous women. I thank God for allowing me the opportunity in this life to level up my consciousness and escape the matrix that has been plaguing me since I was a small child. Besides adorning praise onto you, I did have a question.

In some of your past posts and book, you mention hobbies and exercise. Would these things still be in alignment with one’s path as long as they were still putting God first? I know healing is possible when raising one’s consciousness, but I used to indulge in degeneracy such as unhealthy eating and a lack of movement. I now do strength training in order to prevent further injury to my physical body. If I do so not out of vanity or a mental escape like a rush of endorphins, is that okay. With hobbies, I’ve always been drawn to art since a young age. I would imagine that your take on it would be that it’s okay as long as it’s accordance to God and used as an outlet for beauty instead of degeneracy. I was curious on your thoughts about this. Thank you for all that you do :)

Wow @ you finishing it so quickly. I have another book I'm editing so you won't have to wait long for the next one. Every compliment you give is ultimately to God. ❤️

There is no fulfillment in aimless hobbies. I found it's typically a way for people to avoid their purpose because they're too intimidated by doing something real.

All hobbies are mindless consumption. Something like knitting is a trade because its purpose is to provide warmth, but most people call it a hobby because technology has advanced to create knits faster.

Hobbies are consumption activities such as anime, gaming, music and internet surfing which an individual drowns themselves in and doesn't inspire them to do anything better. It's as if the individual is a paralyzed zombie. Hobbies are intended to be addictive. The exception lies in whether you watch/listen to look for a particular message that aligns with your purpose. Media is useful for communication in this manner.

Any endeavour that isn't centred on God leads to emptiness, burnout and being highly sensitive toward the outcome. The second you know you are acting for God, you've already won and you won't care about the outcome or the logistics of how to get there.

Personally, I was addicted to video games for a good decade even though I knew it wasn't good for me, I felt like I wasn't in control of my body. The ego wants to be anchored in something, and it chooses something to identify with. Since I didn't believe in God, I believed in video games instead. It's a serious downgrade to identify with anything but God. Hobbyists also say to never make your hobby your career because even they know hobbies are soul-sucking.

For exercise, if you're doing it just to move, that's fine, but it's even better if it's for a Godly purpose. What has God put you here for? If you know this, then you must be in good health to carry out that purpose, so exercise would be for God.

Remember, your soul is God who has arrived to do one thing, so don't place God too far away. You need to become present to know who you are and stop rejecting/suppressing your role so you can finally become calm. Notice how there's somehow something wrong with everybody and we all must fix something about ourselves, but people rarely believe that one aspect of ourselves is meant to be our purpose? This is the matrix and makes us hyperfocus on something imaginary.

You can only be aware in the present moment and you're only actually present when you think of God. This is the thing that will bring you limitless happiness, but anything that society has told you to do will bring you misery. Once you remember to think of God, all of your negative feelings will wash away. All you have to do is make thinking of God, or being present, a habit. Once centred on God, your perspective on success will radically change and you will never feel a negative emotion or boredom again. Nobody will ever hurt you again as well.

I used to be addicted to exercise. Strength training didn't get me anywhere, cardio didn't increase my lung capacity and stretching didn't really do shit for me because I was mentally fragile. Any time I did feel like I was making some progress, all it took was a week off to place me back at square one.

I was very disciplined and consistent ate perfectly and never cheated for 9 years, at one point I went to the gym twice a day every day. I remember I was driving home and thought about how I would have to do this for the rest of my life for "health." Like... is this it?

I thought I was losing my will, so I looked into upgrading to a more expensive gym, but I saw the people who went there and they looked weird. They were extremely vain, on a supplement program that cost hundreds of dollars a month if they weren't on steroids and carefully monitored macros. I wondered why I was doing it and it was because I was told doing all of these things was healthy and I realized I don't even like exercise. I have no interest in becoming obsessed with my physical appearance either, that realm is just way too toxic for me.

The next day I went back to the gym and looked at other people who were doing the same thing as me and they were stressed out, anxious and depressed and I was on my way there too. I finished my workout and asked the dude at the counter to cancel my membership and never looked back. No joke, the pandemic was announced a week later and people were complaining about their gyms charging them even though they couldn't go lol.

I don't exercise minus walking and my pre-meditation energization exercises and you know what's interesting, now I have muscle and can maintain it sustainably, I'm not as reliant on breathing, and my body is miles more flexible and the body feels very light, nimble, and like liquid because it's becoming aware it's molecules. It's less likely to get injured in this state, so don't worry too much about injuries. Don't worry about anything tbh, just focus on doing what makes you happy and keep doing it regardless of what your material circumstances show you. If something is fruitless, or places you at highs or lows, don't do it. You should always feel calm.

The mind that is centred on God through meditation will allow you to become the soul and leave body consciousness behind. Otherwise, we would all be in the gym forever. Oh, and unhealthy eating is a non-factor, as you meditate your desire for anything unhealthy goes away naturally over time. Yogis have a saying that if you put in sincere effort, even 20%, God will take care of the rest. It's hard to believe people take the gruelling route when God is waiting to take away all of our burdens and worries for free. God's mercy cannot be expressed, especially as you become smarter and see the bigger picture and you'll see how God works.

#ask #gonna write this one because I don't speak of God.

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ozwuv · 4 months

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If I have hand pains (as artists get) what’s should I do? Do you recommend any exercises?

hmmm so i don't get hand pains necessarily, but i did damage my ulnar nerve pretty badly end of 2019-2020 from the oz fanbook grind lol. this led to a constant, dull pain in my dominant arm and persistent numbness in my hand. for a long time, i couldn't hold a pencil at all and to this day my grip is pretty weak. i remember when acnh came out in march 2020, i cried out of frustration constantly bc my grip was so lax i couldn't play.

that said, i'm speaking from experience when i say that taking advice on stretching techniques i found online made things way, way worse for me because it exacerbated the nerve damage i didn't know i had until i saw a doctor. the wrong kind of stretches can be more damaging than helpful if you're not doing them correctly, and especially if you have some kind of underlying issue that would be counterproductive for. the same thing goes for wrist braces and such -- a lot of people recommend them, but the wrong kind of brace can damage you further, and you should not be constantly wearing a brace unless a medical professional has told you to; constant usage of braces weakens your muscles over time because the brace prevents you from actually using them. if you have the means for it, i would really recommend consulting a physical therapist for preventative care.

but i didn't have access to medical care for a long time, so i get that's not feasible for everyone. if that's you, basic harm reduction guidelines are good to keep in mind. these are going to be things you've undoubtedly heard before, but they're drilled into your head for good reason:

take breaks. set a timer for every ~30-60 min and every time it goes off, get up, walk around, flex your hands and wrists, etc. ideally at least 10 minutes.

keep plenty of water within arm's reach at all times. hydration manages/prevents pain more than you might think. as soon as my grip gets too slack, i know that i need to stop drawing and drink a ton of water, but you should be drinking fluids at a semi-constant rate so you don't get to that point.

if you're in pain, stop drawing. no "i'll just wrap up the lines and then stop" -- listen to your body. if you're hurting, you've already pushed it too far and anything more is just going to make it worse.

posture posture posture -- any kind of posture advice for office workers generally applies to drawing.

^if you use a screen tablet (like cintiq or ipad) it's going to be virtually impossible to maintain good posture without buying a tablet arm or something. in cases like that, you should place even more of an emphasis on harm reduction or maybe even consider switching to an analog tablet so your monitor is at eye level. personally i'm in it for the longhaul with my ipad though lol

unfortunately advice like this kinda sucks for ppl with ADHD (meee) because pausing in the middle of something can cause you to become distracted or lose motivation. i don't really have a solution for that, but ultimately i got to the point where the nerve damage was so bad that i solidified these habits to prevent making it worse. i do get distracted and lose motivation a lot, but i did that to myself by not treating my body with the care it deserved.

if you take one thing from this response, let it be this: if you don't already experience chronic pain and/or nerve damage while drawing constantly without taking necessary precautions, it's not a matter of "if" you develop these issues, but "when". if you don't already have chronic pain from drawing, your goal right now should not be to preemptively look into things to remedy it, it should be seeking to prevent these issues altogether. work in some good habits, even if it's just taking breaks every now and then. even just one break per drawing is better than no breaks at all. i thought i was immune to these issues for over a decade & then i developed arthritis in my upper vertebrae at 20 years old lol nobody is immune i prommy<3

#sorry that was a lot of words to essentially say nothing lol #tl;dr: advice from strangers can make it worse but at least drink water and take breaks #yip yap

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nyashykyunnie · 10 months

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//Sung Jinwoo Yume

I'm gonna talk abt them finally, nobody would read this but I like talking to walls so heheheh and introduce to wall-san my oc who I yume with Jinwoo: Moon Minseok

Minseok didn't partake in Jinwoo's life in the first timeline after they had graduated hs. Jinwoo also never found Minseok there because he actually died after being sucked into a gate^^. (Jinwoo would actually later find his corpse in one of the gates he raids but never realized it was Minseok all along).

Their actual love story begins when Jinwoo regresses through time, back to the past where the gates never opened. Jinwoo actually didn't recognize Minseok at first, it took him a while to remember that Minseok was actually his childhood friend and of course just like in the original timeline— Both of them were classmates.

Jinwoo didn't really remember much about Minseok. Just memories of how pretty the boy was with his amber eyes, his round blossom eyes, and freckled cheeks. A baby-face that suited Minseok childish personality.

He was very bubbly, in contrast to the Shadow Monarch's gloomy and rather nonchalant personality. And since Minseok was a very upbeat person, he often hung out with Jinwoo and babbled to him about all sorts of things.

Jinwoo knew his memory was fuzzy,but he had no recollection about Minseok's hyperfixations about the galaxy, the sea creatures (especially the medusas), dinosaurs (don't judge baby:<<<) and fungi and flowers!!! He could name them all in even scientific form. Minseok could even point at which star is which, which constellation was located— He was just very knowledgable!

It slightly overwhelmed Jinwoo at first, he wasn't used to such an eccentric person— But he never pushed Minseok away. Instead, he listened to all his rambles. At first, he would just keep his eyes closed, but when he noticed Minseok had cute little habits while talking— He paid even closer attention to Minseok.

You see, Minseok has a habit with his hands. He curls them into lil cat paw fists and shakes them around. Jinwoo has never seen such body language before, so his grey eyes closely followed Minseok's little 'Cat Paws' as he listened. He found it...Cute.

What started as him as just him listening to his old friend's rambles— Slowly blossomed into something more.

Minseok introduced Jinwoo to the more finer things in life. Things that he didn't know that can be therapeutic outside of his daily exercises— From cafes, to breads in the bakery, to sweet stores all around them. Jinwoo just started learning the more cuter things in life.

And all the prettier sides of it too. Minseok would always take Jinwoo to the parks they cross by after school, and maybe even the little beach near them. Jinwoo would watch him pick up seashells and seaglass. His grey eyes followed that freckled boy as he pranced around in the waves, picking up silly little things.

The shadow monarch couldn't help but smile softly.

'That boy is so radiant.' He would think as he picked up Minseok's discarded shoes by the shore.

The more Jinwoo watches him, the stronger his desire grows to protect that sweet boy. That sweet, sweet boy. Prettier when he smiles so carelessly. Jinwoo wanted to protect that innocence, shield him away from everything cruel and ugly— Cover him up with pillows and thick blanket and coddle him

'Coddle? I'm out of my mind.' Jinwoo shook his head. Minseok's silly attitude was rubbing off of him a little.

Yeah, that's right.

The more Jinwoo hung out with him, the clumsier he got. He even broke the punching game in the arcade once due to Minseok's contagious childishness. It was as if he was slowly letting his guard down, he was relaxing more. Smiling a little more.

He was in love.

All those days he watched Minseok, all those hours of him killing time as he listened to the latter's rambles, the small things that he was introduced to.

It was making Jinwoo's heart flutter.

He slowly started building a habit of subtly touching Minseok. It started with little pokes on the shorter boy's hands, then gently holding to rub that small and delicate— Dainty little hand. When he feels bolder, he'll bring up his hand to swipe away some stray hairstrands blocking him from admiring Minseok's pretty face.

While Jinwoo's gestures were by touches, Minseok's admiration was through sketching him.

Little did Jinwoo know, Minseok has a sketchbook of him. From the angle of his jaws, the height of his nose, the way his eyes curve, and how his hair fluffs here and there.

Minseok was Jinwoo's Angel.

While Jinwoo was Minseok's Muse.

Their love story was slow, like a flower taking it's sweet time to fully blossom. Jinwoo would let Minseok hold on to him as much as he liked. And when he feels like it— He would Join Minseok as he danced around under the pouring rain. Their fingers intertwined as they waltz away in the puddles and in the cold weather.

They were just so in-love.

Soon though, soon. Jinwoo couldn't contain himself anymore. When he saw how radiant Minseok looked against the setting sun, thats small but the prettiest smile he could ever wish for, the wind softly blowing at Minseok's fluffy black hair that made him look like a fairy— Jinwoo's remaining self-restraint got obliterated.

Thus, he tugged at his hand. Holding him tightly but not firm enough to cause any harm. No. Jinwoo would rather kill himself than ever hurting his angel.

He held him in his arms, leaning down to him and embracing the plump lips he longed to taste for many nights and days. The kiss was gentle, but it had the fiery flame of overflowing love.

"Seokkie..." Jinwoo cooes as he pulled back, his grey eyes lovingly watching Minseok's flushed out face. "It's selfish of me, but I love you."

"Then I guess that makes us both selfish."

#spur of the moment #Jinwoo yume #ive completely gone delulu #im so sorry #not like anyone is gonna read this #but fck i love them sm #you dont know how many times ive repmayed their love story in my head over and over #u have no idea #i love them #Jinseok

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salti-thelatediagnosedautist · 1 year

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How autistic black and white thinking can be dangerous when it comes to food, diet and body image

TW: mention of diets, diet culture and calorie tracking.

Being autistic is annoying in a lot of ways, but one of the most annoying things for me (outside of socialising) is eating.

Not only do the sensory issues suck but I really can't tell when I'm hungry or full. And when I CAN feel how hungry I am it feels like hell on Earth.

So, because my body doesn't like to tell me when I've eaten enough, AND eating is my favourite stim, I tend to over-eat... a lot...

And so because I over eat, I try to track my calories. Because I cannot tell how much I need to eat, I can't accurately guess when I've had enough or not enough food.

But, calorie tracking has not always gone well for me. When I was a late teen I started calorie tracking because I had always been just a little over weight.

However, I didn't really understand any nuance about calorie tracking. My autistic brain went into black and white thinking.

More calories = bad

Less calories = good

So, you can see where this slippery slope ends up. Disordered eating. I was not eating enough food. I was only eating a handful of almonds and an apple for lunch some days.

I was only eating foods with low calories (almond milk, which is disgusting..., fruits and veg, avoiding carbs...)

I did lose a lot of weight over a 2 year period. It wasn't that crazy but for me it was definitely getting dangerous. I was getting thinner and fitter, but it was NEVER enough. I was never skinny enough. I was never cute enough. I was never strong enough. I was never disciplined enough. It become about more than my health. It became about my appearance, my personality, my self control. I acted like I was a beast that had to be tamed and trained with crumbs and hunger.

Because of my disordered eating, starting birth control, stress and genetic factors I ended up getting IBS.

This ended up being a blessing and a curse. It ended up forcefully put a stop to my bad eating habits as I had to figure out what I actually could and couldn't eat. I had to focus on triggers and what I was eating, rather than how much I was eating.

Because of this I switched to intuitive eating. I couldn't calorie track and keep a list of what foods were triggering my reactions (if you know low FODMAP you know my struggle). And this worked for a while. I gained weight but it wasn't a big deal. I was back to being able to eat again so I was relatively happy.

But guess what, intuitive eating didn't work for my autistic body at all.

It didn't work because my autistic body cannot tell me what I need. People say to listen to your body but I often can't even figure out where a random pain is from. I don't feel cold very well sometimes. I don't notice thirst or hunger much at all.

So, with intuitive eating, I gained a lot of weight. And now I'm bigger than ever before. And of course I'm glad that I'm reasonably healthy despite my weight, but I know that this is too much weight for me.

And so where does this bring me back to? Calorie tracking.

For 5 months I tried *just* exercising more, but I ended up eating more and nothing was changing. I didn't want to calorie track again. I was terrified of becoming the shell of a person that I was before. Measuring every almond, every teaspoon of tomato sauce, every grain of sugar in my coffee (which was a treat).

But I needed to start going into a calorie deficit again. My eating was becoming out of control. I know people say "you can't have a food addiction, you need food to survive". But I just feel like the people who say this haven't experienced the pain that comes when all you can think about is eating.

(Disclaimer: eating a lot, being fat or gaining weight is not a morally good or bad thing. I just know that for my body, in my current size, does not feel good physically or mentally. This is a personal evaluation and choice. Fuck diet culture.)

And so recently I've been doing calorie tracking again, but this time with more nuance and knowledge going foward.

Part of my calorie tracking rules include:

1. No food is out of limits unless it physically hurts me (like dairy).

2. I don't calorie track when I'm sick, on my period, or it's a special event (birthdays, vacation, day off work, before blood tests, etc.)

3. I calculated how much calories I need to maintain weight and eat just below that, not trying to eat as little as possible. (There are websites you can calculate this if you're interested!)

4. I try to eat more calories earlier in the day, and more sweet and salty treats earlier in the day, to prevent binging at night.

And so far, it's actually been going really well! This time I am not hungry 24/7 (nor do I feel a weird sense of pride for being hungry). I eat what I want and have relatively manageable cravings. I'm not stressing over food 24/7 because I just add it up before dinner and see how much I have left. I'm not torturing myself through PMS with hunger. I'm not working out my body to the breaking point anymore.

It turns that out that calorie tracking has become a good tool for my autism and my physical wellbeing. It has been a good way to keep track of what I'm eating and!!! It's actually helping me become more in tune with my body and my hunger signals.

Because I let myself eat what I feel like I've reduced cravings.

Because I'm calorie tracking I'm noticing that I feel full when I've eaten my maintenance calories, and I feel slightly hungry when I've eaten not enough. I'm beginning to learn how much I need to eat visually. I'm learning how much energy certain foods actually contain.

With intuitive eating I was just eating whenever I thought about food. Which wasn't always when I was hungry or needed to, because eating has been a major coping mechanism in my life. Stimming by eating has helped me through so many stressful events, but It's begun to jeopardize my health.

So, I'm not really sure what the take away from this post is, I just wanted to share my experience here. Thank you for reading

I just want to double down as I end this post by saying - GAINING WEIGHT, EATING A LOT OR BEING FAT IS NOT MORALLY GOOD OR BAD. YOUR BODY YOUR CHOICE ♥️

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spade-club · 1 year

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Therapy update yay!

Anyway I was in my car during it today bc I had slept over at my friend's house. Anyway so we talked lots about how my body feels emotions. He asked me to find the good feelings and the bad feelings and when I tried to expand my good feelings it hit the wall where my bad feelings were (my heart) and all the happy went away. Its really nice to be able to visualize how I feel like that and process it partially without even knowing like, why? Yk. But then we got into why and went over how I feel powerless over my mom but I'm safe now and its not just because shes far away most of the time but I'm safe when she's visiting here too because im an adult. I can walk away. I can drive away. I dont have to listen to her. Idk it was nice to think like that because I guess I didnt really realize just how much power I can have over myself when she is here, yk? And then we did some grounding exercises because I was spacey and when we got to touch I was like, yeah my skirt has a good texture but playing with it while sitting in my car triggered me and he noticed and he complimented me on my ability to recognize whats going on and disengage when I need to and that thats a good step in the right direction to be in, tho he wants to work on not needing to disengage. Anyways so he does EMDR and I dont know much about it but it seems like that would be good for me and idk! I feel good about the possibility of us actually getting somewhere with this guy. Also I think he's pretty aware I'm exhibiting system behavior but I'm still too scared to say it. He's worked with DID before according to website so its not like. Idk. He probably knows. I also kept calling me and my feelings "we" in the context of like, thats seperate to me! And he kept calling them like, protector feelings or whatever. Idk its like. Yeah. Idk. Its cool to be able to be seen and known. And he knows my memory sucks and he sees as I dissociate so heavily and I think I've been a different me during every session so far which is probably noticeable. Especially this time, I act a bit small, I dont know if I am but I know I act like that. And like, one of the last times I think it was MJ and he's like. Not like me at all. I dont know who else has done these but yea!! Thats all for now I think!

#if I remember more I'll say more later I guess #this skirt is so cute though. just have to reiterate that point #I dont wear skirts like ever and this ones so flowey!!#its my friends so I cant keep it but I wear it until I have to go work!!

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firelord-frowny · 2 years

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i am so !!!!!!!!!!!HRJGHGFOGHSFLG SFS

not really lmao its not that serious but YES IT IS AND YES I AM but not really lmao

there's this... ~idea~ in the world of violin pedagogy that You Only Need Very Light Pressure To Make Notes Sound Good, and its

??????????? WRONG LMAO ITS WRONG ITS BULLSHIT AND IT'S BASICALLY THE! ONE! SINGLE! DETAIL! that sets Really Good violinists apart from World Class violinists.

and i get so frustrated because like... people will marvel over the clarity of Hilary Hahn's playing and James Ehnes' playing and basically every legendary soloist to have ever lived. like, there is an AUDIBLE difference between the clarity/purity of the tone quality when Hilary Hahn plays a passage of fast slurs, versus when, idk, joshua bell* or some other Average Player. In hahn's playing, you EXCLUSIVELY hear the pitch of the actual note. In a less refined player's playing, you'll hear brief lil high-pitched choppy noises interrupting the beginnings and endings of many notes.

AND THE REASON WHY HILARY HAHN DOES NOT HAVE THAT PROBLEM IS BECAUSE SHE'S USING! MORE! PRESSURE!

But people be like ~hur dur, if you use Too Much Pressure, you'll injure your joints/tendons~

YEAH THATS WHY YOU HAVE TO TRAIN FOR IT DUMMY!!!! if somebody who's not fit enough to run a marathon tries to run a marathon, they're gonna get hurt! but that doesn't mean running the marathon is inherently dangerous! it just means you have to fucking exercise to prepare for it!

IF YOU GRADUALLY CONDITION YOUR BODY TO MEET THE DEMANDS OF HIGH-LEVEL VIOLIN PLAYING, YOU WILL BE ABLE TO SUSTAIN PHYSICALLY DEMANDING TECHNIQUES WITHOUT INJURY!!!!!

and i'm especailly sfghdslfgdgfhdsh right now bc i was looking at a video of some dude (who really is a very good player and who really does have lots of useful advice) offering suggestions on how a player can figure out exactly how much pressure they need to use in order to get a good tone, and when he demonstrates his own ~optimum pressure~, he's like, "now if you listen carefully, you'll hear that i'm getting a pure tone out of all of these notes." and then he proceeds to get a tone that's NOT CLEAR AT ALL!!!! but he seems satisfied with it!!! and so do most of the people in the comments!!

which like, okay, yes, a LOT of very good players do exactly what he did, and nobody thinks they suck because of it, because they don't suck! they sound great!

but they don't win the fucking menuhin competition. they don't become legends. they don't sell out carnegie hall.

they're regular. they're the typical, very solid, very skilled Professional Violinist who can successfully audition for full time professional orchestras, and they can become professors at some decent music schools.

but they're not legends. and if you WANT to even TRY to be a legend, you have to be able to hold a candle to the Hilary Hahns of the world. you have to measure up. and even the teensiest, tiniest imperfection can and does keep otherwise gifted players from reaching the very highest levels of musicianship.

the average player's standard for what constitutes "pure tone" is just???? not high enough. not if they want to be phenomenal.

and i haaaaaaaaaaaate that when i talk about wanting to step my game up and try to eliminate as many tiny errors as possible, people always wanna assure me that it's not necessary, nobody really notices those details anyway.

?????????? THEN WHY AREN'T WE ALL SOLOING WITH THE BALTIMORE SYMPHONY, HMMMMM??? WHY DIDN'T WE ALL GET INTO JULIARD? HMMMMM??? WHY DON'T WE ALL HAVE RECORDING CONTRACTS WITH MAJOR CLASSICAL LABELS??? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM????

IT'S BECAUSE WE'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH! AND WE'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH BECAUSE WE'RE NOT MEETING THE STANDARDS THAT ARE SET BY THE GREATEST PLAYERS IN THE WORLD! YOU KNOW!!! THE ONES WHO LEAVE AUDIENCES GOBSMACKED BY THEIR INCREDIBLE PRECISION!!!!!

i know ill probably never reach that level but dammit imma try to get as close as i can anyway.

#*joshua bell is THE WORST violin soloist to have gained international recognition and i will die on this hill #he's Not Good!!!#i mean he's definitely better thannnnnn an enormous majority if average players buuuuut #next to any other major soloist??? give me a break.#he's The Bottom Of The Barrel #without question #i don't look up to him at all bc whyyyy would i do that when i could look up to hilary hahn #or james ehnes or julia fischer or monica hugget or emilie autumn or ray chen or roman kim or #midori or kyung wha chung or shlomo mintz or perlman or stern or oistrakh or grumieaux or or or or

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tuttuts-blog · 10 months

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August 8

Today was the first day in the gym with my instructor I was really nervous since last night I kept thinking about it even as I laid down to sleep it was all I could think about how intimidating everyone in the gym was and how out of place I felt yesterday I wasn't enthusiastic to say the least anyway I sucked it up and decided to go not like I really had a choice but yaa.........even when like 30 minutes was left before I left home to go to the gym I was really nervous I hated they way I was feeling I was so desperate to feel comfort so I decided to just give it to God and pray about it I basically just paryed that I wouldn't be too self conscious and be able to have a OK time but God is good because not only was I NOT FEELING SELF CONSCIOUS but I was for the first time enjoying my time at the gym I didn't really HATE HATEEEE any of the workouts I found some hard to complete but I didn't TRUELY HATE any of them also the trainer was really gentle he didn't shout,scold or push me too much to the point that my body could not handle so I was really great full also the stretches we did were so funn some were not too fun but most of it was really nice I think for the first time since ever I actually kinda enjoyed working out and exercising so really great full and also my legs don't feel too much like jelly like it use to also when he corrected my forms and stuff he did it in a very nice manner and it didn't really feel embarrassing that I was doing it wrong so ya.... I rate today in general 7/10 it was kinda fun🌟🙏

Also thank you God for answering my prayer and I'm really really great full to have you as a God who listens to everything no matter how small or big so thank you and love you🫶💞

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mtnkat3 · 1 year

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Diabetes. Health. Stress. Info.

10.16am.

Ok. This is for the world & some diabetes education so bare with me please.

& if I sound frustrated & cranky, sorry.

But it's not as simple as people think it is. I've been told by people for years well just stop eating sugar/y foods.. right?

WRONG.

I'm gonna try to give some science too.

First, all food is kcalories.

That means food is converted to energy.

The energy for the brain is glucose.

That is the end result of all foods.

Another. There is no way to stop eating so there is no "12 step program" for food.

Before I had to switch to limit basic cable I still had TLC channel. Sigh. Gr.

And they have a series of shows "my 600# life."

Fact: those people were ~+90% sedentary. And ate ~+10,000 calories a day.

I mean buckets of chicken, etc.

《It is possible to barely eat a 2,000 calorie diet & be diabetic.》

I live this way.

I have dealt with doctors who think endocrinology is completely black & white.

IT IS NOT.

Oh your thyroid numbers are normal on the labwork, so therefore you have no problem. You just eat too much.

NOT.

It's actually.

I don't eat enough.

& too much stress.

Yes. Sigh. My situation.

It is toxic. to my health.

Literally.

I am predisposed to "type 2 diabetes "

[The nomenclature needs change. It is not juvenile vs adult. Heck, I think I read something about a totally different kind of diabetes that no doctor talks about. Damn zebras.]

Anyways!

I am predisposed because I have P.C.O.S.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

& before the doctors & nurses & such trip...

I was diagnosed at 19yo.

9 vials of blood.

Internal ultrasound.

[Ladies, that probe sucks don't it!]

Yes, I've had doctors suspicious of my diagnosis.

Until I told them that.

I am very careful of self diagnosis.

I will research things, sure. But then I will talk to a physician about it.

[That was when I had one that would would listen. Sigh. Retiring because of the economy. Sigh.]

Ok. Here's an example of what can happen.

I will have a meal that is balanced, yummy & nutritious.

I will have a good b.s. reading.

The next day, I can have the same exact meal, even all I eat, & my b.s. go thru the roof!

There is more to the dynamics than just what you bend your elbows to put into your mouth.

It's also sleep, diet, exercise, & stress.

Yes! It. Is!

When I went to Florida, my blood sugar levels were 300-400+!

Stress & sun poisoning.

[Sun burn deeper than the first layer of skin. 2, 3, 4.. getting into the fascia.

When skin bubbles from a sun burn it's 2-4, & it's a real "burn" to the skin & is dangerous.

I had bubbles/blisters/oozing on my left great toe, & the back of my shoulder. Heck I still have that "suntan lines."

I told my endocrinologist what happened at the next appt & the naproxen sodium protocol I'd used in the past for sun poisoning.

[Cool compresses, elevated just like R.I.C.E. for sprains, fluids & 3 aleve every 8-12 hours.]

I was extremely worried because of my issues with my liver & kidneys.

But they said I did the right thing & not surprised my numbers were so high.

Now.

For those who maybe don't know...

DIABETES IS A CHRONIC, LIFE ALTERING, LIFE THREATENING CONDITION.

I have known people to have toes amputated, blindness, need organ transplants,

& yes I have known people who died from diabetes.

Why is that?

TOO MUCH SUGAR IN THR BLOOD STREAM FOR PROTRACTED LENGTHS OF TIME CAUSE NEUROPATHY.

THAT MEANS THE TINY BLOOD VESSELS IN THR FINGERS & TOES, BEING THR FARTHEST FROM THE HEART, DIE OFF FIRST.

THE REASON DIABETICS NEED ANNUAL VISION CHECKS IS BECAUSE OF THIS TOO.

TINY BLOOD VESSELS.

EVERY CONDITION OF THE BODY IS AFFECTED BY DIABETES.

Heart

Lungs

Eyes

Liver

Kidneys

Reproductive

Etc.

THERE IS NO SYSTEM NOT AFFECTED BECAUSE THE SUGAR/FUEL GOES TO THE ENTIRE BODY.

This is why exercise is systemic, & not spot.

Fuel is for the entire system, not just 1 spot.

Ok. Let's see, maybe think of sugar like cholesterol & plaque build up.

Or..

A food that coat's rather than run off.

Hm.

Hersey chocolate syrup

Or pasta sauce.

They coat the food they are meant for, & don't just run off of them.

Well that is exactly what cholesterol build up is.

So too does sugar.

Now.

That is what causes high blood pressure.

There's too much stuff in the veins & vessels that don't belong.

Just like .....

There can only be so many cars in a race that can be beside each other without forming a clogged condition.

Anyways, it's possible to be diabetic without eating ... so much food.

It's just how my body is feeling with the stress.

Not well.

And I refuse to add more & more pharmaceutical products to my body.

Heck, I think they only add to the problem, rather than help with the solution.

And.. my body shows it doesn't like them by having bad reactions. Everything from antibiotics to SGLT-2 to insulin.

My body says it will take old school but even that I know isn't good.

Why I believe in things that God made.

Hibiscus, cinnamon, berberine, fish oil, garlic, olive oil. Probiotics.

Body, heal thyself self.

My body is ready.

To chuck every pharmaceutical product I deal with.

Detoxification.

Of everything.

Then we shall see how I heal.

This I pray for daily.

Anyways. Might be a bit disjointed. Ahem. Interruptions. But I think I hit most of the points I was thinking of.

Blushing beet red.

If anyone wishes to discuss, please do so.

But as my bio states.

No douchebaggery.

I don't feel like it & I'll knock a block off.

Anyways.

My loves..... I just needed to talk about this a bit.

Hopefully people will be curious & read more about this.

Blushing shrug shyly.

Bad morning. Sigh.

I am Yours . . . . .

~Tijgeress kat Phoenix.

✝️☸⚓🙇‍♀️🙏🤲👣🌟🗝💝♾🧭🕯

Tu.1.31.2023 11.33am.est. diary. .37

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beneathstarryskies · 3 years

Note

Hiii! I'm so happy your requests are open again! I love you so much.

Could I request some headcanons for Jiraiya, Izuna, Rock Lee, Naruto and Itachi performing 69 with a fem!reader? Please and thank you 😘

Jiraiya

Jiraiya loves doing 69. He could literally have you sitting on his face with your pretty lips wrapped around his cock all day.

He gets so turned on when you try to keep sucking his cock through your own intense orgasms. Plus the way it feels when his cock is pushed to the back of your throat while you’re moaning and whining is just heaven.

The sloppier you get with him, the better. He loves it when you're drooling all over him, and he might be a little mean and thrust into your mouth just to hear you choke.

Jiraiya will suck hard on your clit while fingering your tight entrance with his thick fingers.

And you may think since you’re sitting on his face that you’re in control, but nope. Jiraiya will edge you for as long as he wants because his goal is to make you squirt all over his mouth so he can lick up your sweet juices.

He likes it when you swallow his cum, but his favorite thing is when you pull away in time for him to cum all over your tits. When he sees you all messy with your skin painted up, woo buddy you better be ready for round two.

Izuna

Izuna doesn’t often have time to just absolutely ravage your body, so 69 is definitely something he likes to do when he just wants to take his time with you.

He’s playful and will tease you a bit, but he’s also really loving. One hand will sooth over your bare back while you face away from him to suck his cock.

He’ll take his time kissing your thighs (and slapping your ass because he can’t help it) before he begins absolutely devouring your pussy.

Izuna is absolutely going to edge you for ages until you’ve got tears running down your cheeks. He’s just mean like that.

He doesn’t actually like it so much when you thrust against his face because he wants to be in charge. So when you get close to cumming and start wiggling against him, he’ll grip on tightly to your hips to hold you in place.

Izuna sometimes falters and forgets to tell you when he’s going to cum. He just gets so lost in the moment and it feels so good. Let’s be honest he also doesn’t want to pull his mouth away from your dripping cunt.

Rock Lee

Lee has this way of making everything into a training exercise. The exercise for 69?

To see how long he can stay buried in your pussy without coming up for air, of course.

Lee is dedicated to making you cum as many times as possible before you finish him. And considering his enormous stamina, you’re in for a long night.

Your legs are gonna be wobbly and you’ll be having to coax him to cum before he’s finished with you. He’s got to be the best at everything, and pleasing his woman is no exception.

Overstimulation is a big turn on for him anyway. When you turn to him and say “Lee, baby, I don’t know if I can take anymore” he’s gonna wink at you and say, “Come on, sweetheart, one more just for me.” How are you going to say no to that face?

He’s true to his word. Right after making you cum for the last time, he’ll tell you that he wants to cum. Let’s just say, Lee cums a lot. You’re not going to be able to swallow it all without some dripping out of your mouth.

Naruto

Listen, Naruto does not know what 69 is when you first mention it to him. But once you teach him all about it, you better believe he’s going to want to do it all the time.

It’s just the perfect position as far as he’s concerned. It combines his two favorite things: lapping at your pussy and having your mouth around his cock.

Naruto isn’t going to tease you, but he’s not going to let you off easy either. Just due to the fact that he’s got a lot of energy and stamina, he can keep this going for hours.

Even if he cums before you, Naruto is gonna hold onto your hips to keep you seated on his face while he continues licking and fingering your tight little pussy.

It will take no time for him to get hard again. It could easily become an all day cycle if you let it.

Naruto loves it when you let him cum all over your tits and even your face. It awakens that animalistic side of him, and if he can get hard again (spoiler alert: he definitely can) he’s gonna pound into your overstimulated pussy.

But he is also a very sweet man, and will help you get all cleaned up.

Itachi

Itachi doesn’t even bring up 69 because when he’s between your thighs, in his mind that’s all about you. He wants to focus solely on your pleasure.

You might have to coax him into it a little and try not to give up when he says something really sweet like, “Why can’t I just focus on pleasing you without distraction, my love?”

He’s gonna give into you though because one look of your pleading eyes and pouty lips, and the man would give you the world.

And let me tell you, he is so happy he gave in. Because this is heaven. He feels like such a fool for being so reluctant to try it.

Your mouth around him, feeling all your moans vibrate through his cock, and just being surrounded by you is wonderful.

The first time you do it, he’s not gonna last long. He’ll barely be able to utter a warning before he cums, but he’s a gentleman so even if he’s just groaning the word “cum” he’s determined to let you know.

This instantly becomes one of his favorite things to do in the bedroom. After a long day you’ll find him lying on the bed waiting on you, and with a shy smile he’ll ask you to 69 with him.

AND SINCE YOU ASKED SO NICELY....

Kakashi

Kakashi in general loves going down on you. He’s just weak for it and so often you’ve noticed him rutting his hips into the mattress while he’s between your thighs.

So, 69 is literally just his favorite thing in the world. You never even have to ask if he wants to. Because the answer is always yes. Always.

With Kakashi, even if you start out sitting on his face at some point you’re going to end up doing it with you both on your sides. Neither of you are really sure how it happens, but it happens every time.

Kakashi will thrust into your mouth, but he’s always light with it. He does enjoy it when you gag and choke around him, but he’s not going to make you do that. He wants it to come from you getting so into pleasuring him.

With his cock shoved into the back of your throat and your moaning vibrating against the tip, he’s just not gonna last very long. He can’t help it. He went so long without another person’s touch, he gets overwhelmed.

Most of the time he warns you, but sometimes he can’t even form words because he’s just so caught up in his high.

#Jiraiya x reader #Kakashi x reader #Itachi x reader #rock lee x reader #naruto x reader #izuna x reader

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thunderheadfred · 3 years

Text

🤚Shigaraki HC's🤚

Part 1 of my Shigaraki Thesis HCs. The Second Worst: 1 - 2

This was rough because even though Shigaraki is one of my favorite characters of all time, I have nothing sexy to say about him canonically.

that's a lie, i'm lying. i had to break this post into parts, that's how much of a liar liar pants on fire i am

Warnings for quite possibly everything. Minors do not interact.

- - - - -

Okay first of all:

You know it. I know it. We all know it. This man is not boyfriend material. He disintegrates boyfriend material for fun.

You don’t want to date this man.

Frankly, you can’t date this man.

Seriously. Run.

If you’re a villain, you’re his underling. Maybe, if you squint, you’re kind of like his... um... least-hated workplace associate. What do you want, a trophy?

If you’re a hero, good luck not dying horribly. Maybe you’d make a cute hostage. Hope you can escape cuz he is NOT letting you out alive.

If you’re a civilian, perhaps that’s the best case scenario. He stalks you a little before he becomes infamous. You go on the worst date of your life but luckily you don't tell him where you live. Later you see him on the news standing in a pile of rubble and you just think, “ohhhhhhh.”

If he somehow, impossibly, against all odds, manages to develop a single affectionate feeling toward you, AFO is going to hunt you down for sport. You are NOT getting in the way of world domination. Again, good luck with that.

If somehow you managed to clear all those hurdles and kiss Shigaraki Tomura square on the lips, I can see one of two things happening.

1) You’re his body pillow now. Goodbye sunlight. You live in his room. He doesn’t have to chain you to the bed, because you know escape is pointless. Congratulations, the end is nigh.

2) Total mind break. At the first sign of genuine human affection, his trauma vault is instantly unlocked. Memories come rushing in, his quirk goes nuts. There’s like a 99.9% chance he’ll accidentally kill you and it will destroy his soul forever. But let’s say you’re the lucky 0.01% - then it’s time to fuck off together to a foreign country. He’s terrified, traumatized, and possibly broken beyond repair, but I guess he’s not a villain anymore? Have fun nursing him back to... semi-sanity.

Moral of the story: you’re better off getting hit with a quirk that takes you to an alternate universe where the worst thing Shimura Tenko ever did was throw a Playstation controller at his sister’s head. He’s an aspiring video game journalist with zero charisma and severe self-image issues. He has no earthly idea how hot he is. Please, for the love of God, fall for that guy instead.

haha just kidding

join me in hell, fellow Shigaraki fuckers:

- - - - -

Scenario the first:

so apparently you enjoy living in a cage?

Listen. He does not smell right. He doesn’t need to bathe much because his skin is constantly annihilating itself. So he’s not exactly dirty, but every instinct in your body is screaming in confusion, unsure if he’s alive or dead.

Breath of the damned. Sweet as moldy lemons. Whatever he eats just... rots. He doesn't produce enough spit.

He will kiss you very deeply. Until you choke. Forget the cold, chapped lips because they're the least of your problems. He's got those skeleton hands caging your face and you're trapped against a wall and his gigantic biting teeth are prying you open. He licks inside your mouth like he's trying to steal your soul. He'll probably succeed.

His hair is exactly as soft as it looks. Too bad you'll never get to touch it.

He’s either got no sexual impulses at all and will laugh at you for trying, or he’s a full-on incel. I don’t know which one. I don’t want to find out. Apparently you do, and I salute your resolve.

You will be lucky if Shigaraki treats you like a pet. He loves his Nintendo DS more than you.

Consent is not applicable. You showed interest in him once, now you're his plaything forever. There's a power imbalance between you so wide you could chuck a planet in there.

Safewords? lol

Doesn't want to break you, because what would be the point? He's already broken enough things. He wants to keep you around for a good long while. He'll take good, good care of you.

Unless you disobey.

Obsessed with making you cum whether you want to or not. Yes, this IS a high score thing. It's just so flattering. Say hello, orgasm torture. Was that another one? Aww. You barely moved. Oh, what's that? You're begging him to stop? Haha. He won't.

Don't cry. He'll drink your tears.

He'll touch you everywhere with bare fingers. Slow, feather-light strokes, like some kind of demented ASMR artist. This is not a trust exercise. He knows exactly how much it terrifies you.

Oh yeah. You're getting finger FUCKED. Do you fantasize about having a loaded gun shoved inside you? Same difference.

Will eat you out like nothing else, but not in bed. That's the kind of shit he does on a boardroom table where anybody could walk in and see you writhing. Spreads you WIDE open and sucks on you. Makes out with your asshole. The whole nine yards. It's wet and loud and nasty.

Only time you're out of his sight (and not locked in your room) is when he shoves a remote control vibrator where the sun doesn't shine. Operates it through an app while he calls you and jerks off. Wants to make your knees fail on a crowded train.

Come here. You get to sit on his lap like a dog. Four fingers on your throat, dick hard under your ass. He'll dry hump you in front of God, the Devil, and everyone else.

If he's playing video games, you're cock-warming. He does not care which hole. He won't even look at you.

He might get hard but he does not get naked. You do not know Shigaraki Tomura on a personal level. You have only the vaguest idea what his dick looks like. It feels long and thin, almost sharp. Maybe he's actually been fucking you with an ice pick this whole time. His hip bones dig into you and bruise. He likes to kiss and bite the marks he leaves.

He mocks you for being so fucking pathetic. Have you always been a such a needy slut or is he really that special? What is wrong with you? Even he thinks you're crazy.

Shigaraki won't kill you, but All For One will.

- - - - -

The Second Worst Scenario:

The half-mad ghost of Shimura Tenko is in love with you, and your life is about to become a tragic wreck.

(this half of the post went completely off the rails and turned into like... a whole-ass Victorian Novel)

#Shigaraki #shigaraki tomura #shigaraki x reader #shigaraki x y/n #shigaraki x you #gender neutral reader #mha #bnha #shigaraki headcanons #bnha headcanons #mha headcanons #smut #fred writes

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elia-de-silentio · 3 years

Text

Recap on Vanijeanne

As we try to recover from ... well, chapter 50, who wants to read a recap on the most controversial and Problematique couple in the manga?

*crickets*

Well, it was in my to-do list, so I'm writing it anyways.

Now, I love their first meeting, because while it sucks on 'what is actually happening' level, it does a wonderful work of exposure of the characters, hinting at their further development in a few panels.

Jeanne is presented as a '''''"strong woman'''''' ... meaning that's she's very good at fighting. That's essentially a good thug, it says nothing on character strenght. In fact, the only words she says for the first two chapters are asking Luca for orders: she's not shown as someone who takes initiative and acts on her own.

Even her emotional bond to Luca is taken as a sign of her weakness; while caring for someone isn't in any way a moral or emotional deficiency, quite the opposite actually, it hints at the fact that this girl has been so isolated, she has grown terribly attached to the only person to treat her with more than basic decency.

Speaking of basic decency, Vanitas fails even that. He straight-out sexually harassess her, making her feel even more powerless after mocking her for not living up to the strenght expected from her. We will later see that Vanitas isn't above psychological attacks on his enemies (hello, Astolfo), but this is callous even for his standards. Why would he do that?

Well, even if it was the first chapters, it was a bit of a shock to see the character behaving in such a way. Insofar, Vanitas had been presented as cocky, somewhat pushy and trollish, but also determined to help people, kind to Amelia, cheerful and funny. All around, a 'good guy'.

Even Noé, who back then said he didn't particularly like Vanitas, called 'overwhelmingly right' his healing of Amelia. Vanitas pulls a face at hearing that, and I suspect his behaviour towards Jeanne is in some measure a way to 'de-impress' Noé. After all, as we'll see in later chapters, he is an horrible person and can't risk someone actually liking him, right?

Their following meeting at the Bal Masqué is almost as bad. Here, Vanitas exploits her weakened state to flat out coerce Jeanne into drinking his blood, again using Luca as emotional blackmail (she'll hurt Vani, so the kid will be okay). Again, Jeanne really, really doesn't want to do this, and the scene drives home well her turmoil and hatred for the whole situation.

If Jeanne is being coerced in a situation of weakness, Vanitas is not actually faring that better. He wanted to have his blood drunk because he had seen Dominique and Noé do that, and he wanted something similar to the affection these two expressed, but not too similar because he doesn't deserve it and so he must make sure that the other party hates him and - this guy is a mess.

But the blood-drinking looks definitely painful for him. Heck, he even has to cover his own mouth to avoid screaming!

Their third meeting keeps on this proud tradition. In this instance, Vanitas makes quite a bit of back and forth: first he teases Jeanne in public about that possession mark, then dials back when he sees Luca taking issue; he offers privately to help her mantain her secret about the uncontrollable blood-craving, then he puts forth conditions (that she calls him by his name, thus establishing an intimacy she doesn't want, and that she drinks only from him, this limiting the damage she could do but also keeping a personal leash on her); he requires that she only drinks his blood, prattling on how good it feels, but then he has the same pained expression when she actually does it. His motivations here are probably mixed: partly desire to help a possible curse-bearer, partly a way to exercise control on Jeanne (as we have seen with Noé, Vanitas likes being the one in charge of situations), and partly some actual attraction to her.

On her part, Jeanne stands firm in her dislike of Vanitas, even if she really liked the taste of his blood.

Later in the same chapter, Noé questions Vanitas about love; he admits that he doesn't really know, just when he looks a Jeanne il flusso sanguigno gli passa dalle zone superiori a quelle inferiori his heart beats faster. He also lists his reasons for liking Jeanne; quite surprisingly, not only her considerable chest (though that got attention) but also some personality traits, such as her weird blend of toughness and fragility. Still, they're not exactly deep reasons. It sound more like a superficial crush.

But then, he adds something very important: he pursues her because she won't love him back. Here we got the first big hint of Vanitas's huge self-loathing: he is an horrible person, he doesn't deserve love, if someone loves him it means they have got some problems. He likes Jeanne, she's not the kind of person to like him back, he can have a '''safe''' relationship!

Then there is their famous date. It began as a ploy on Jeanne's part to get rid of Vanitas: because of quella comare di Noé, Dominique and then Jeanne herself get to know about that observation just above. So they get the idea: let's pretend that Jeanne really likes Vanitas, so he will leave on his own.

A sound plan, which would have worked if not for ... well, take a look at Jeanne up there. Does she look like she's confessing her love, or trying very hard not to throw up?

But the problem is: the date is great. Vanitas understands exactly what she was up to, and promptly went along with the act. And for the first time, he is actually nice to her: he shows her around the city, is attentive to her wishes, he speaks his mind about some little things.

And this completely throws Jeanne off her balance. Where does this sudden change come from? (And this was probably Vani's intention all along, as another way to keep her on edge and control her)

Not to mention, she's really not used to kindness. She's a bourreau, a pariah. She is so rarely treated with any decency, she is extremely sensitive when someone shows her even a little of it.

This ... '''cute''' rendez-vous comes to an abrupt end when an accident triggers Jeanne's bloodthirst. Vanitas gets her away before anything can happen, lets her feed on him (which still look painful) and tries to understand what exactly her problem is.

Whatever it is, Jeanne is forbidden by Ruthven to talk about it; the only thing certain, is that she is terrified by the perspective of harming Luca, should she no longer be able to control this bloodthirst. Vanitas reacts to this by promising to kill her before such thing can happen.

This scene is ...uuuuh ... interesting. I think that Vanitas actually meant well, even if only in part and in his own way. He surely sees it as an important promise, that he will honor should the necessity manifest itself. As for the other part, here is another nice chance for him to be the one in control!

With their next meeting, Mochizuki slams the gas pedal. In this case, Jeanne is not in a condition of vulnerability, there is nothing to blackmail her with at hand, and she's physically better off: it's the first time we see her take charge.

She has finally the chance to show off her better qualities: her sense of honor in repaying debts (Vanitas protected her from a blow from Astolfo before, getting wounded as a result), her level-headedness in difficult situation and her sense of responsibility towards others.

Vanitas, on the other hand, is a wreck. He lost his book, he got wounded, he has got hypotermia, he couldn't prevent Jeanne from stripping him out of the wet clothes and seeing the scars on his body, he has got a fever and is delirious. In this state, he gets a pretty loose tongue: he asks Jeanne some pretty personal questions about her motives here. She stays firm on what she 'has to' do regarding Chloé, but still, this is the first seed of doubt in her mind.

Oh, and there another kinda-kiss. No idea what Jeanne was thinking, passing Vanitas water that way instead of just putting the bottle to his lips.

Anyways, Vanitas really doesn't like not being the one in control. The morning after he acts the coldest he has ever been to Jeanne, dismissing her and then focusing on the task at hand, doing his best to avoid talking about that moment of fragility. Still, he shows some care for her, inviting her to listen to Dante's informations about Chloé.

They have a bit of a conflict of interest in there: Jeanne feels guilty about not fulfilling her duty as a tool and wants to amend by actually killing her mentor, Vanitas wants to save that same person; and, maybe because of personal experience, he has realized that Chloé 's death won't make Jeanne happy.

And how does the situation get resolved? In the sweetest, most actually romantic way possible. Vanitas exposes the truth about Gevaudan to Jeanne, and asks her what she truly wants.

A bit of exposition on Jeanne's past reveals that she has severe trauma after witnessing the death of her parents and being treated as a bourreau, a tool; she's convinced that if she ever acts according to her own will, someone else will be hurt. She's completely broken down by not having been able to kill one of the few people who treated her with kindness, and blames herself for everything that's happened in this arc.

But (after some unwitting influence from Noé) in sweeps our knight in a shining baggy coat, with the following message: she has every right to her desires. He wants to make her happy, he won't die as a result, he's ready to accept all she has to say, without judging her, with no condescension or trying to control her. All she has to do is be the one to give the order, and he'll obey. And she wishes for Chloé to be saved.

Chloé is saved. Her will to live is restored, and she is reunited with the people she loves. Jeanne is, in her own words, 'so happy she could burst', and extremely grateful to Vanitas.

This propels her to first drink his blood, and this time it really doesn't look painful; then to kiss him. And this time, he is the one to blush and stutter, clearly off-balanced by what has happened and by the fact he doesn't dislike it one bit.

The following chapters can be only described as hysterical. Upon actually falling in love, Vanitas enacts the following:

• Spending ten days in bed, thinking he's about to die.

• Believing Jeanne cursed him

• Describing extensively and graphically, in front of Count Orlok, that particular blood-drinking che per come è posto sembra più una trombata

• Getting physically thrown out as a result

• Wandering in a haze, thinking about Jeanne's smile

• Running in a panic after hearing some convenient passerby declare his feelings for a girl with him

• After almost literally stumbling on Roland, sitting down with him and Olivier and trying to get romantic advice from a guy he dislikes and another he has never seen before.

• Trying the 'asking for a friend' trick. Is figured out after an esteemed timeframe of 0.2 seconds.

(Perdonate l'interruzione. La faccia da culo di Roland meritava la condivisione)

• Getting the most desperate look after Roland diagnisizes him with 'love'

• Throwing away all pretenses and expressing outright his self-loathing, to what is pretty much a couple of strangers, in stark contrast with his usual reservation.

• Reacting like a pissed-off cat to any attempts of comfort from Roland and Noé.

Meanwhile, Jeanne ...

Well, actually there is a whole sequence where she realizes she is in love, and describes the same symptoms as Vani in a cheerful, positive way to two flabbergasted Dominique and Luca; but I felt like the above panel was the most culturally relevant.

The point is, now that the feelings are real, Jeanne is the most confident and forward of the two. And this is a pretty great thing for her: as a bourreau, she didn't think love would have played a part in her life; she felt that she was just a tool, but not now, she has realized that she can love and be loved, and this makes her happy and confident. As Dominique observes, she shreds the shyness and insecurity that circumstances had forced on her, and returns to her original, cheerful personality; you can't take your eyes off her.

Still, in a following chapter, she has that little fantasy of a classic fairytale with herself and Vani in the protagonist roles. While it's a very cute and funny scene, it highlights something that Dominique too noticed: she is very black-and-white about Vanitas. She has gone from absolutely loathing him (with good reason!) to absolutely idealizing him (again, he finally acted with real kindness and selflessness towards her, but she doesn't even recognize how awful he was towards her at the start).

This would mean a fair share of problems with any normal person, as nobody is completely horrible or completely good, but with a walking bundle of trauma, contrasting feelings and self-loathing as Vanitas? It's probably a recipe for a disaster.

So! All in all, I admit I really like this couple. I like the possibilities of self-discovery each of them represents for the other: for Vanitas, to realize that his life isn't fixated by whatever happened in his past and that he can have positive relationships with people, and that he can amend his mistakes and receive forgiveness; for Jeanne, to fully experience positive emotions, and acquire a more balanced view of people and situations if her feelings survive the clash with Vanitas's failings.

... that was, before the disaster that was chapter 50. Jeanne has a very good relationship with Dominique, too; she was worried about her, and is likely investigating her disappearence, especially because Luca called specifically for her when he found out about it.

Remember? The same Dominique Vanitas would be willing to let be killed in order to protect his own memories, and even insulted in front of Noé? If Jeanne arrives on the scene, or finds out what happened, she will be forced to a new, decidedly less positive evaluation of Vanitas.

Misha is really being a wrecking ball on whatever halfway positive relationship his brother has, as if Vanitas himself wasn't enough to mess them up.

Thanks to anyone who bothered to read my ramblings!

#vnc #vanitas no carte #the case study of vanitas #vanitas no shuki #vnc vanitas #vnc meta #vnc analysis #vnc spoilers #vnc jeanne #elia's recaps

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komori--shoma · 3 years

Text

Shoma Umi Komori.

🦢

(I'm sorry if my english is shitty-)

❛A sad soul can kill faster than bacteria.❜

—𝐽𝑜𝒉𝑛 𝑆𝑡𝑒𝑖𝑛𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑘

⟅☙⟆ Universe ⟅☙⟆

Diabolik Lovers. I plan, however, to take her out of the universe and make her a character of her own. Or maybe I'll just drop it and do both. Who knows?

⟅☙⟆ Full Name ⟅☙⟆

Shoma Umi Komori.

"Shoma" is a Japanese name that means "Woman who seeks the truth, who is not conformist at all." Her second name, "Umi", is also a Japanese name that means "ocean".

⟅☙⟆ Kanji ⟅☙⟆

ショマ

⟅☙⟆ Nickname ⟅☙⟆

Despite being initially confused by these, as she was not used to it, she was given the nickname "Engel" (which means "Angel" in German) by a family quite close to her. The nickname was given by the mother and head of the family, since in the eyes of that woman, Shoma is an angel.

Seiji, who was the adoptive father of the girl, called the young woman "Astertea", which is quite a "peculiar" name in the bible.

Yui, with whom she is no longer in contact with Shoma, used to call her "Sho" or "Shomi" affectionately.

⟅☙⟆ Age ⟅☙⟆

She is eighteen years old, although she looks a bit younger.

⟅☙⟆ Gender ⟅☙⟆

Feminine.

⟅☙⟆ Sexual Orientation ⟅☙⟆

She doesn't know yet. Doesn't really bothers her to know.

⟅☙⟆ Height ⟅☙⟆

160 cm.

⟅☙⟆ Weight ⟅☙⟆

She used to weigh 35 kg., But now she is a proud 64.5 kg.

⟅☙⟆ Blood type ⟅☙⟆

OR-

⟅☙⟆ Status ⟅☙⟆

Alive.

⟅☙⟆ Race ⟅☙⟆

Human

⟅☙⟆ Birthday ⟅☙⟆

June 20th.

⟅☙⟆ Sign ⟅☙⟆

Gemini.

⟅☙⟆ Favorite Color ⟅☙⟆

Light blue and night blue.

⟅☙⟆ Appearance ⟅☙⟆

There is a great before and after in her appearance, and even though she is not shown in her story (at the end of the card), there was the occasional change in her future.

The girl has oculocutaneous albinism, so her skin and hair are snow-white. Her hair, due to a small "situation", was long, straight and lifeless. Her hair almost touched her waist, and she basically managed to cover her view. She is now a cute short hairstyle down to the nape of hers, wavy and neat.

Her skin is very pale and fragile, although now she is somewhat better, before she was simply rough and damaged. She has several deep burns and scars on this one as well.

The young woman, despite not having very good eyesight, has beautiful eyes of a light blue color, somewhat grayish.

She has a mark on her right leg in the shape of a fox with several stars on it. It's a pretty special symbol, but she keeps it covered most of the time.

She usually did not wear clothes other than bandages to cover herself, although she still finds old clothes to wear, even though she was a little too big. Now, she got used to wearing light clothes that cover most of her body; like jeans, leggings, or long dresses with something underneath. She doesn't really like to wear short or see-through clothes.

⟅☙⟆ Personality ⟅☙⟆

Many think that she simply doesn't have any kind of emotion. Shoma never shows any kind of expression in public, she is shown with her face up and with a look so cold that she makes it true to her appearance. The young woman is too serious, and depending on the person, it is very difficult to get her out of her typical attitude.

Sho is an elegant little girl, and full of grace despite all her troubles. She will never be friendly enough in front of someone (again, it depends on the person), but she will also not feel uncomfortable or unwelcome unless that is the goal of the little one. Shoma knows that she is able to erase someone from the earth fas if she wishes, but she doesn't abuse that thought, you just have to be careful not to make her angry or touch her too much. It could be a big mistake.

Still, well ...

She is always alert, so it is very easy for her to get nervous or anxious most of the time.

She can also happen that she cannot do something right (she finds it very difficult to concentrate / think on several occasions, as well as sometimes she finds it difficult to understand what happens around her, etc). Still, it is something that doesn't happen as much as before, after leaving the aforementioned situation in which she found herself.

She is easily frustrated, and this happens when she recognizes that she has trouble thinking. It's very easy for her to cry or tear up in frustration (she doesn't do it in public, she refuses to do it, but that only makes it worse). Also, her coping strategy is simply not talking about her emotions and keeping a straight face all the time.

Still, and even though she very reluctantly accepted help, Sho is willing to change and improve (even if she has to go through hell first). She has shown to be too cunning for her age and to behave as if she were an adult, and even though she is slowly trying to behave according to her age, she is very difficult for her as well.

Anyway, Shoma can also be a girl who listens to others and is willing to do it regardless of the situation, and she is always there to be a shoulder on which one can cry. She also tends to have fun when she feels calm around her, being one of the few moments when she feels and acts like a young little girl.

⟅☙⟆ Relatives ⟅☙⟆

⟣ Seiji Komori: Adoptive father. Currently dead.

⟣ Yui Komori: Adoptive sister. Currently alive.

⟅☙⟆ Favorite Food ⟅☙⟆

She doesn't have a single specific favorite food, but she definitely likes sweet and simple foods, like grated applesauce and banana, or a fruit salad.

⟅☙⟆ Hoobies ⟅☙⟆

⟣ Shoma likes to make paintings with her hands. She serves to entertain him and clear her mind.

⟣ She also likes to make crowns with different types of flowers, even some bracelets and necklaces.

⟣ She has a certain fascination for mathematics and literature, so it is normal to see her do either of the two when she is bored. The problem is when she has a hard time doing a difficult exercise.

⟣ She Likes to play decorating and decision-making video games. She likes to decorate and combine, so it is normal for her as a hobby to do the odd combination in video games, or in a room.

⟣ It may not count as a hobby, but Shoma loves to watch an episode of a series that she likes or a movie many times to imitate the lines, as if it were some kind of dubbing attempt.

⟅☙⟆ Occupation ⟅☙⟆

None, she doesn't consider herself a student, even if she studies at home.

⟅☙⟆ Relationships ⟅☙⟆

⟣ Seiji Komori, adoptive father.

She did not have a good relationship with him no matter how hard she tried at the time. It was too obvious the favoritism that he had with Yui, and how she always stayed in the shadow of the blonde. Despite trying to be like Yui, he could never have any kind of acceptance with her father.

⟣ Yui Komori, adoptive sister.

He adored her with her soul. Yui was Shoma's heroine, and she always tried to follow her example despite her unruly attitude as a child. The elder Komori was Shoma's world, and he simply wanted to be with her all the time.

Things have changed now. She can't even look at her. The disgust and hatred that he has for that now young woman is simply immense. And believe it when I say she tries; she tries too hard to forget so many things that caused this feeling, but she just can't.

⟣ Yvonne Beauchene, the right hand.

Shoma's only trusted person alongside her family. Yvonne was Shoma's guardian from the day he arrived at the church, although she had some problems because of it, and that is the reason why she had to leave, but surely nothing bad could happen, right?

⟅☙⟆ Likes ⟅☙⟆

⟣ Despite not having tasted it in recent years, she liked (and still remembers the taste of it, so she still likes) Yvonne's orange tarts a lot. She used to do them when Seiji was not at home for her, Yui and Shoma.

⟣ She loves music, especially the one that doesn't have any type of letter and is only a beautiful and hypnotizing melody. Her favorite, and also Yvonne's, is "The Vampire Masquerade", which is the melody which Yvonne met her husband.

⟣ Regarding the above, she usually daydreams many times with music in the background and she likes that (because the real world sucks and it is her only way out of the stress and anxiety that she feels most of the time). She sometimes even draws or paints those scenarios that are formed in her head.

⟣ As said before, she likes to play decorating and decision-making video games. Also, despite having the face of wanting some horror games (these make her heart race and sometimes she has panic attacks), she prefers Animal Crossing by a lot.

⟣ Loves snakes (which are not poisonous), cats and dogs. Snakes are very good company, and cats and dogs are responsible for keeping her calm.

⟅☙⟆ Dislikes ⟅☙⟆

⟣ Despite having been seen surviving based on it, she does not like meat very much. Of course, she can bear it, she even likes some (very few) meat dishes !, but there are certain types of meat that remind him too much of ... well, her own meat.

⟣ Obviously, she can't stand going to churches or things related to religion. She gets too anxious and nervous.

⟣ Her body and mind literally rejects any kind of physical affection if she doesn't know the person very well or doesn't trust them. It's no surprise, considering her personality. Very few people are lucky enough to even put a hand on her shoulder and not get hurt (Shoma doesn't do it on purpose).

⟅☙⟆ Fears and Phobias ⟅☙⟆

⟣ Somniphobia: fear of sleeping.

Oneirophobia, somniphobia, clinophobia or hypnophobia is an irrational and excessive fear of the act of sleeping. People who suffer from it enter a state of panic caused by the fear that while they are sleeping something terrible will happen to them, such as the possibility of stopping breathing or that they will never wake up, even knowing that there is no threat, but they stay awake, presenting insomnia. Some people who have this phobia associate going to bed with death.

In some cases, panic is unleashed by the belief that the dreams that will be had when sleeping are actually delusions and these will favor falling into a state of permanent madness. This type of phobia generates a great deal of stress and significant physical and mental deterioration, so it is not uncommon for many people to end up suffering from hallucinations, a fact that further aggravates this type of phobia: fear of sleeping.

Shoma cannot sleep because various things used to happen during these. She remembers well once a nun (then she disappeared without a trace) entered her room and hanged her, almost killing her if it weren't for Yui screaming for help.

⟣ Theophobia: fear of religion.

Theophobia is the fear or aversion to religion or the gods, and being more common among people who are raised in an environment of iron religiosity. Theophobia can express itself as fear, aversion, anger, or other negative emotion towards religious practices. In some cases, the theophobic representation can categorize the deity as an arbitrary totalitarian dictator or, conversely, as unworthy of worship.

It is common among people who suffer from theophobia to avoid religious texts, houses of worship (churches, mosques, synagogues ...) and even the parishioners of a religion.

The young woman lived in a church for years and was not treated as "a daughter of God", but as "an aberration of satan" by her father and certain nuns. She causes him so much fear that, if there really is a god, she has abandoned her for "not being worthy". Many things together caused this irrational fear of religion in general.

⟣ Hafephobia: fear of being touched.

Hafephobia is a specific phobic disorder (unlike agoraphobia or social phobia) that causes great suffering in the person who suffers from it.

It is an irrational fear of great intensity that manifests itself when the individual suffering from the phobia comes into physical contact with other people and is touched. It produces a series of cognitive, physiological or behavioral responses, among which extreme anxiety and the attempt to avoid the feared stimulus to reduce the unpleasant sensation stand out.

Shoma, of course, is working on this and for now she's doing very well, but if she's some stranger, she isn't going to allow herself to be touched or touched by another individual. She is so afraid that every touch will turn into a blow or something to harm her.

⟣ Atazagoraphobia: fear of forgetting.

Atazagoraphobia is the excessive fear of forgetting, which includes both the fear of forgetting and the fear of being forgotten or replaced by others. Despite the fact that it is a common sensation, atazagoraphobia has been little described in scientific language. In fact, it has been more pointed out by philosophers and writers who speak of atazagoraphobia as the fear of eternal anonymity.

Shoma was literally forgotten or ignored from a young age, and she doesn't want to go through it again. She doesn't want to feel so cold again that she can't breathe properly or move. She can't, she doesn't want to...

⟅☙⟆ Headcannon Voice ⟅☙⟆

Mia Rodríguez.

⟅☙⟆ Skills ⟅☙⟆

⟣ She is impressively good with knives and razors. She usually uses them for cooking.

⟣ Literally she can imitate many voices, even male ones. She uses it to make jokes or for some plan (to get some dessert) that she has in mind.

⟣ She is becoming more and more independent, and that is why she is getting very good at cooking. She even manages to focus on that rather than other things.

⟅☙⟆ Extra ⟅☙⟆

⟣ She has undiagnosed “attention deficit hyperactivity disorder”.

⟣ She tends to bite her arm or bite her nails if she is very anxious.

⟣ It is difficult for her to accept some changes in her life, but she manages to adapt step by step.

⟣ She likes to play with Yvonne's family, August, her husband, being Shoma's favorite.

⟣ She is considerably innocent of the world around her, but at the same time, she isn't. She is aware that the world revolves around that filthy green paper, and she is very clever with it. She knows that her "condition" and her situation may be a weak point, but it is for that reason that she is also careful who she hangs out with.

⟅☙⟆ History ⟅☙⟆

Shoma arrived at the doors of the Komori family church on May 22, 2001, with only a note that said "My name is Shoma, Mom and Dad can no longer take care of me," just three weeks after I was born. She was greeted by one of the local sisters, a favorite of the owner and leader of that church, Seiji Komori. The latter named was not on that cold night, with the snow falling slowly in that beautiful place, so the same sister took care of the girl in his absence.

A girl with blond hair and pink eyes like the petals of a cherry tree approached said sister, curious by the cries that began to be heard. Seeing her up close, and seeing that beautiful celestial gaze, the seven-year-old girl took the girl in her arms (with the permission of her sister), and did not leave her during that night until the next day. It was no surprise to the sister that her crying stopped as soon as the young Komori began to gently cradle her in her arms.

Still, from the moment Seiji arrived, he knew that something was wrong with the girl, that she was "not human", and that he probably knew whose "gift" it was. Shoma was unwelcome, and he couldn't show her that in public, not with Yui close to her. Also, the plan deviated. No, he isn't supposed to have two daughters, and she is supposed to be just one more orphan, but the young blonde girl already called her "Shoma Umi Komori", and that could be ... Something dangerous for him. Obviously, the orders for Shoma to come to his office were not long in coming as soon as he was two years old.

What Shoma saw in her supposed father's room was sealed in her mind, and nothing else. Every time Shoma was called to her father's office, her heart raced because she knew something bad was going to happen. Every time that happened it was because she Shoma found out more and more that she was going to happen to every sixteen, maybe seventeen-year-old on certain dates. It was because Shoma knew too much about her, and if he couldn't make her forget everything she had seen, then she would silence her to her grave. Every time Shoma gained courage and told Yui, she was scolded for inventing such things, and she would see her father again for "breaking her promise" to him.

The only one who managed to believe her is the same sister who received her the day Shoma arrived there, although that same sister would get a serious face everytime Sho told her that, she never had to see her father when she told Yvonne.

But, one day, Seiji went a bit far with the punishments, and let the fury just blind him, even if he didn't even regret it afterwards. Seeing Shoma talk to someone... Important, once this man left the church it just infuriated him. That man's smile when he stopped talking to her and saw him in the eye was not good news at all. That night, everyone heard the screams of a three-year-old girl resound throughout the establishment, and she was found in the middle of the hall with a desperate Seiji, saying that she had been playing with a poker and that she tripped, with it smacking part of her face.

Shoma began to startle every time someone moved near her, every time someone placed her hand on some part of her body, or when they called her, or when they approached her. She didn't separate from Yui or the sister she trusted so much, and even though it started to be annoying for Yui as she grew older, there were very few times when she was really rude to Shoma due to the fatigue of having her on her back every day three seconds, but they just didn't help Shoma with her fear of being alone, either with Seiji, or with certain nuns. The sister who had her trust steadfastly refused to leave her alone if she wasn't with Yui, although it was only because she slipped out of sight once.

Things escalated to the worse on December 12, 2006, at exactly a quarter past two in the morning. It was precisely an exhausting day for the girl, because the nun who was taking care of her and her sister had to leave due to family problems, or so they told her.

The albino-haired girl couldn't sleep due to some nightmares, even though she had become very habitual. The young woman began to hear murmurs and footsteps outside the room that she shared with Yui, and she could make out her father's voice. She could make out her desperate tone from her ... And, strangely, anger.

Carefully, she got out of her bed without making any noise, but following a little voice in her head, she took the camera that belonged to the blonde that was a gift from her only trusted caregiver, and opened slowly the door. Her father had locked himself in her office, and she could hear someone else's voice. On tiptoe, he approached the door ajar, and looked behind it. Tears welled up in her eyes as she saw the body of one of the older girls on the ground, tied up and with blood pouring from her head. That memory is somewhat blurry, but it remembers very well various parts of the conversation between her father and a man with long hair. She took photos, and to her surprise, they did not have flash, and the photos came out perfectly ... That woman had many strange objects.

Once she finished, she turned, intending to leave, but one of the nuns spotted her, yelling to warn Seiji. Shoma wasted no time running and closing in on her sister's room, which she was awakened by her scream. Shoma told her everything quickly, leaving the photos to hide them, and the little girl didn't hesitate long to jump out the window (it was not the first time that she did that out of boredom), and she ran away from there. Still, the nun had gone ahead, and it wasn't long to be just a few steps away from her with her father's poker, part of them burning.

She remembers her sister with hatred seeing it all in horror and just standing there with the camera in her hands, shaking, to simply turn and turn her back on him.

In the blink of an eye, she was dragged by her hair by her "father" and other nuns, and before she had a chance to run away, the girl was thrown into the basement, away from other people, away from Yui, away from everyone. She tried to get out, scream, but no one ever came.

Nobody, nobody at all...

And here ends her story. The young woman, thanks to her curiosity, sealed her fate. She was destined to die in that place, even if she didn't want that, alone and starving, not knowing if Yui or someone would remember her...

But they say that there is always someone who takes care of us somewhere, right? Even if she has no hope... Maybe there really is someone, even without her knowing it.

#shoma komori #komori shoma #diabolik brothers #diabolik lovers #diavolik lovers #diabolik oc #diabolik lovers oc #diabolik #diaboliklovers #dia lovers #dialovers #describe your oc #oc info

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writhe · 4 years

Note

bro I'm ftm and literally the worst trigger for my dysphoria is my hips,, like theyre so wide and I hate it,,, other than wearing certain clothes is there anything I can do??

feel like i need to give a disclaimer for this last and the ask one that ftm/enby are not words i would choose to describe myself BUT regardless i feel like our experiences are similar

i don’t mean to sound shitty but: maybe and maybe not? imo a lot of the advice/tips aimed towards trans people changing their bodies (outside of surgery/ hrt) puts of a lot of onus on us to do things to ourselves that are harmful in addition to being unrewarding

i hear you and see you 100%. i had, and sometimes have, similar feelings about my hips. a lot of what i read when i was younger was just these long lists of exercises that were aimed at changing the shape of one’s hips- you know, if you were to do them continuously, if not excessively, for a long period of time. and while building muscle and strengthening different parts of your body can change the appearance (AND is sometimes fun and rewarding), i fear its easy to venture too far into dangerous territory and become obsessive while feeling unfulfilled

but, you didn’t come here to listen to me blather about my takes on body image as enforced by misogynist and ciscentric beauty norms (+ how this fuels the intense body dysmorphia a lot of us trans folk experience) because that was ABOUT to happen before i remembered you came here with a question

THINGS YOU SHOULD DO*

1. borrow some concepts from radical acceptance. accept that this is your body, this beautiful vessel will carry you from this life to the next. don’t expect yourself to be fully content immediately (society isn’t built that to let you feel that way- your insecurity is not a personal failure). how excellent, you can use it to experience sunshine and hold someone, what things can you find that you like about your hips? maybe their strength? the simple fact they are part of your body rife with blood and tissue and bone?

2. i feel like fixating on bodies can be a double edged sword, but: spend a day or two paying attention to other people. do you see how much variation there is from person to person? do you see how many people across genders have a body like yours? do you realize that you have to actively pay attention to this, that likely most people aren’t staring down the parts of you that make you the most uncomfortable

(i will say that I am very guilty of thinking that people are watching my every move. we are learning together that we are not under constant scrutiny)

3. take inventory of the time spent focusing on dysphoria. the discomfort cannot always be a motivator for change, so can you find different ways to spend that time/ metal energy? before i had top surgery i was dysphoric about my chest. I’d come to accept that i would never like it until i had surgery, but i didn’t carry a vehement burning hate for the better part of my adult life. when i was younger i would fixate on it constantly and feel stuck and that was never helpful. eventually i got to a place of ‘well having this chest is stupid and makes my back hurt, but this is my lot’ and wouldn’t revisit it much beyond that. dysphoria sucks and might not ever go away fully, but if you are able to distract yourself or divert your energy away from it, i can promise you will feel at least marginally better

*things I, as an individual, have found helpful wrt dysphoria or body dysmorphia

OTHER THINGS YOU CAN DO

regardless I know this is all complicated and you’ll want things to make yourself feel more comfortable. feel like it was a little presumptuous of me to assume you are not already doing the things i wrote about above, but here:

1. i know you said aside from clothes, but really do not underestimate clothes! try different fits of pants. for example and despite not being a woman, I usually wear regular or mid-rise women’s pants because the cut is complementary to my body shape. i can’t get away with wearing ‘men’s’ pants without feeling a little silly

1a. I ALWAYS wear a belt and tuck my shirt in. ALWAYS everyday without fail. I love the aesthetics of it. can you find ways to accessorize that bring positive attention towards that area of your body?

2. spend some time not wearing clothes. just hang out and be neutral and naked. I think clothes can feel worse sometimes because they don’t always fit seamlessly. i almost never feel dysphoric if i’ve got no clothes on

this is so long and i’m sorry about the legion of tangents present here. i have been thinking a lot about my relationship to myself/ my own body recently (are we separate from our bodies? that’s a tangent for another time, actually). i hope at least some of this was salvageable and helpful!

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justinhubbell · 4 years

Note

The reason i asked your opinion is because i saw your post about being suicidal. I'm so sorry if it's bothering. Really. I know this blog isn't about that but still.

Content Warning: Self Harm

Full disclosure: This was a four part message that contained sensitive/personal information. I’m responding to this segment because in comparison there is little here that might trigger any reader, or the writer.

“I have self harm issues. And i think i need help.“

This is serious but I just want to say, well done! You reached out! You took the first step! That’s a lot, and I’m proud of you. <3

Now it’s a matter of figuring out what kind of help is right for you. Here are some options that have helped me. And just for fun I’ll rank them:

• Self Help: (books, articles, podcasts, videos, blogs) - become your own champion and learn learn learn! Right now I’m listening to one of the Great Courses audio books called “The Addictive Brain” because I really want to cut back on my phone use, but am struggling. I’m also never not going to sing the praises of Christopher K. Germer’s “The Mindful Path to Self Compassion.” Changed my life.

Self help is tricky because it requires self-motivation so I rank this (2/5)

• Physical Self-Care: Sometimes I reach a point of overwhelm where I just can’t. I simply can’t manage my emotions - so instead I focus on the body. This includes exercise (for me it’s almost always going for walks), eating nutritious foods, sprucing up my sleep hygiene/schedule. One of my favorite techniques for forcing myself to exercise is downloading challenge charts online. You can find many “30 day _ _ _” challenges that will assist in incrementally building up a routine.

Physical Self-Care is a tried-and-true method that we frequently neglect because it seems too simple. It’s not! It’s science! (4/5)

• Emotional Self-Care: If I’m physically exhausted I’m not going to go for a walk. This is when journal writing, drawing, really any kind of self expression is best. Treat yourself! Let it out!

When we tend to our emotions we’re tending to ourselves, over time that helps to relieve bottled up feelings. Over time you get better and better at it, and sometimes you can actually read/enjoy your own progress!

I rank this a (5/5) because self expression is always always always powerful.

• Meditation: What an eye-roll this one is am I right? I resisted meditation for many many years because I just thought it was icky. Plus, having ADHD I’m not good at staying still or focusing my thoughts. Seemed like a lose/lose situation.

But truthfully having been practicing mediation for the last two years on and off? I wish I had started much earlier. Meditation is sometimes the only way I can let go of intrusive thoughts and be present. You can find dozens of guided meditations online, in fact, here’s one of mine!

I love meditating because at its core it’s just breathing. Anyone can do it, anytime, anywhere. It changes the chemistry of your brain!

Circling back to “The Mindful Path to Self Compassion” that book is how I learned to meditate and—again—changed my life. (4/5)

• Group Help: I tend to use Facebook groups for this, forums might work too. What I like about online groups is I can lurk without saying anything, and often I’ll see posts from folks going through exactly what I’m going through, describing their issues exactly as I would. The phrase “you’re not alone” is such a cliché to me, but with groups it’s legitimately hard to deny. Often in these groups people are sharing resources, tips, and asking each other important questions! (3/5)

• Therapy: Finding a therapist can be both tricky and costly, but also well worth the effort. Therapists are all about helping you learn better coping skills/techniques, providing safe spaces for venting and feedback, and helping you unlearn behavior/habits that lead to harm! These days I don’t meet with my therapist we just have phone sessions - and they work. I’ve also heard from folks that go online for therapy. Truthfully I don’t know where I’d be without therapy. There are lousy therapists out there, and navigating our healthcare system sucks. But again, a good therapist is worth their weight in gold. (4/5)

Those six options are just the tip of the iceberg! There are dozens more, hundreds even. You might get help from engaging your spiritual side. You might find help by talking to your doctor. You might find help confiding with a friend, if not your family etc etc...

What matters is you stood up for yourself when you messaged me.

To me that says you’re ready to start healing. Pick an option (or two!) and let me know how it goes! You can do this! <3

Thank you for messaging me!

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asynca · 5 years

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Hey auntie whats a good way to start to enjoy what I look like. I've been working out and have love some weight but eveytime I look in any mirror I wanna smash it I hate how I look. And I feel nothing I'm doing will fix. I feel like I look so gross that I shoudnt even go out in public.

Oh man. How long you got? I had eating disorders for years and yoyo-dieted between extremely thin and obese multiple times.

There’s no point in me giving you a stock-standard answer you can google; I”m sure you’ve already done that. So I’ll just talk about myself! Always fun.

For me, the turning point came slowly over time, and had to do with my health.

As I age, little things go wrong with me. My knees click (I have to be careful of injuring them when I run now). The joints in my fingers hurt in the winter (I type too much), and when I don’t exercise, my blood pressure is crap, so I have to exercise. My cousin, who is 5 years younger than me, has stage IV bowel cancer and his hand got paralysed in one of the operations to remove it. My dad has heart problems. My mum has foot problems and struggles to walk now (a problem, as she loves travelling). Every day, I’m reminded that I’m mortal, and slowly, slowly, my body is falling apart. When I got raced to hospital, these things were all I could think about, and the only thing going through my head was, “I WANT TO LIVE! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!”

The experience of desperately not wanting to die (something I’ve actually had several times…. whoops), changed my perception of what I am.

My body’s job is to keep me alive so I can continue to enjoy my life. All these bullshit other functions we assign it (for example, looking nice for other people) are a waste of head space.

My body is mine, it’s not shaped at all the way I think it should be, it doesn’t have parts I feel like it should have, but it’s all I’ve got, and I’m going to make the best of it and attempt to enjoy my life. My body is mine to live in.

The whole time I had this external way of looking at my body (”How do people think I look?”/”Am I pretty enough/handsome enough?”), I wasn’t living inside my body and enjoying what it can do for me. Every time I catch myself saying ‘they probably think I’m…..’ or ‘Wow, she’s way prettier that me’ or ‘I look bad in this’, I interrogate that fucking thought. My body isn’t for other people, it’s for me. It’s for helping me taste wonderful food, listen to music, travel to beautiful places, hug my wonderful wife. It’s not for someone else to look at and go ‘pfft’. Because even if they DO think that… whatever? It’s not going to make this chocolate taste any worse. Hugging my wife tonight isn’t going to suck more just because some chick doesn’t think I’m hot enough. Their opinion of me means nothing.

No matter what my body looks like, and no matter what someone else thinks of it: it has value. It’s keeping me alive. It’s helping me enjoy my life and achieve the things I want to achieve.

So. Everytime you catch yourself wondering what other people think about you, cut that thought short.

Instead, focus about how you feel right now, in your body.

I’m serious.

Get out of the screen you’re looking at, focus on where you are and how you feel.

What do your clothes feel like? Are you hot? Cold? Hungry? Look around you. Where are you and how long have you been here? Spend a moment existing in your body. That’s what matters. Being IN your body. Not imagining how it looks to others.

When you catch yourself wondering what other people think of your body, come back out of your head and focus on being inside your body and concentrate on the feedback it’s giving you. Think about how you feel physically. Normal? GREAT! You’re at least somewhat healthy! Time to use this body to enjoy yourself.

You may think you’re fat and ugly - but even if you are, who cares? Your body can still do amazing things for you and give you an amazing life. It’s still an absolutely unparalleled piece of evolutionary genius that you have the opportunity to control for ~84 years. It’s incredible, and it’s all yours. Don’t let anyone take that away from you, and don’t try and take it away from yourself.

Your body’s job is to be the vessel through which you relate to the world and have amazing experiences. When you practice enjoying your body and taking care of it, you’ll stop seeing it as something you have for other people, and start seeing it as an incredible gift that’s going to bring you many amazing experiences for the rest of your life

#ask auntie asy #body image #trigger #weight loss #Anonymous

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