#and im so used to it that consequences just dont seem to have an effect on me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

maaarshieee · 1 year

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im just gonna dump this here :'D

y/n, a renowned fighter of liyue and a secret agent of ningguang who is going undercover as a millelith (who was a part of the osial fight), was tasked to make the fatui harbinger, childe, leave without making it seem forceful. the fatui in liyue means that peace would never be with them. they awakened osial, therefore they had to make the harbinger leave without diplomatic issues. they had to do it in every single way possible without mistakes.

and what's the most effective way to win the harbinger's heart? it's to acknowledge him with kindness and pure and gentle heart. treating him in a nice way, greeting him and gifting him trinkets or handmade gifts.

y/n's plan is to act like his friend, someone he could trust. someone he could love. someone to build his future with. and after he falls for that, they push him away. curse him and tell him to never come back to liyue. blame him for everything. tell him that he's scary, that they will never trust someone like him. that he doesn't deserve anything.

except there's one clear flaw in their plan. they never anticipated that what if, they were the ones to fall in love with the harbinger? what if they get too attached to him to even break his heart?

of course, this completely tore apart y/n. not knowing what to do. break him and save liyue or be free and let liyue be. both have different consequences. and what did y/n do? they chose what their heart says.

- weekly anon

i know this is very similar with the scara one but but but but

⎯⎯ ୨ 𝐔𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 ୧ ⎯⎯

➢ Cʜɪʟᴅᴇ x Gɴ!Rᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

➢ 4.4k ᴡᴏʀᴅs ┊ Hᴇᴀᴠʏ ᴀɴɢsᴛ

➢ Mᴀsᴛᴇʀʟɪsᴛ

a/n - GOD WEEKLY ANON WHY. YOUR REQUESTS ARE SO GOOD BUT HONESLY ME AND MY BOO (who helps me story board) ARE AT A LOSS BC THE CONFLICT IS TOO GOOD. also weekly anon blame @iyagato for making me go through with this idea. not me writing your request again, I SWEAR I DONT HAVE ANON FAVORITES, this is actually punishment! /j. I'm not good at angst but i hope i delivered it nicely. OH YEAH THANKS FOR 700 FOLLOWRS! HOPE YOU LIKE THIS AS A GIFT >:))) titled "unintentional", have a nice day/night! also theme song? veil by keida suda

↬ cw: canon typical violence, major character death (guess who?), sword wielder & pyro user reader, reader just... experiences really sad shit so uh, tw, kinda some sexual innuendo at one part but you can read it both ways, blood, gore

The mission was simple enough, wasn't it?

Gain his trust. Shed him off his walls and deceive him when he least expects it. To allow himself to be vulnerable to you, to see you as a reliable comrade. To pretend to be someone he could love, to hold in his arms, to share his troubles with, to talk to about whatever comes to his mind, to be with someone he thought he could have a future with.

Truly, it was simple enough.

Lady Ningguang has entrusted this task to you, for you are capable enough to complete any mission the Lady has ever assigned to you. Be it 'cleansing' Liyue Harbor of 'filth', or simply gaining needed information, her beck and call. You were even graced by Lady Ningguang's access inside the Jade Chamber, which she's only ever allowed to her 3 secretaries and people she deeply trusts.

You swore loyalty under her command, for she never ceased to amaze you. From her glorious beauty, her dedication to her work, and her never-ending kindness to the inhabitants of Liyue, especially toward children.

"I have confidence that if this task were given to someone, rest assured you, out of everyone, can complete it." She says with a smile whilst you stood before her, hands behind your back with a bowed head, taking her words with immense gratitude. "The longer he, a Fatui Harbinger, stays in Liyue Harbor, peace will never be upon us."

You wholeheartedly believed in your Lady's words, nodding along as she continued to speak. She pushed a small unsuspecting folder toward you and allowed you to take it from her. Upon opening the folder, your eyes immediately scanned all the information in the papers.

"That folder is important. It contains his name, age, occupation, locations, favorites, and many more. Use it all to your advantage." Nodding once again, you held onto the folder tightly, giving your Lady a deep, respectful bow. Her last words to you ever since that day rang in your ears, engraving themselves into your brain because Archons forbid you to forget; "Don't fail me."

With pride, you took upon this mission in a stride, completely overestimating yourself. You may be a renowned warrior of Liyue, Lady Ningguang's trusted agent known for your prowess in battle and your seemingly endless adherence to your job, but there was something you never took into consideration.

That you were simply human.

Getting along with the Fatui Harbinger was a rather easy feat. He was friendly when you first approached in a guise; a part of the Millelith. From the information the papers inside the folder Lady Ningguang lent you, he loved battling against strong foes. So much so, he gains thrill even if he was injured. So how did you first greet the 11th member of the Fatui Harbingers?

Into a spar of course.

Soldiers would often say that archers were the weakest among the different sorts of fighters. That they cower behind in the backlines and only have knowledge for support. That they rely on long-range attacks merely because they freeze at the first sign of danger up close. You knew better of course. Archers are incredibly powerful on a battlefield. One skilled archer is enough to turn the tides of war; like death itself. You never know when an arrow would pierce through your chest or your forehead.

True fighters would know to never underestimate an enemy.

And you were proven right when you first battled Childe. You've never fought against an archer one-on-one but he fought vigorously against you, a sword wielder. His moves were fluid, flowing like water, an endless stream of aggressive and deadly strikes, similar to the Vision he has. It crashes upon you like tidal waves of stormy nights that shakes sailing ships until they flip and sink. With each strike he landed, the more you admired the strong fighter in front of you.

Childe fought differently than the other archers you've met. It was as if he merged the gracefulness of an archer with the violent characteristics similar to a berserker. He wore an exhilarated smile on his in the whole duration of your fight, you even heard him laugh when you catch him off guard.

He didn't underestimate you either, despite coming off quite arrogantly with each blow he dealt to you. It was a simple approach, yet you couldn't bring yourself to lose against him. How a person fought was enough to discern one's personality, in Childe's opinion, and he always finds himself breathless when you adjust the grip on your sword, baiting him and swinging in a direction he didn't expect, almost resulting in his loss.

You were cunning, a fighter who uses their boundless knowledge in the art of swordsmanship to the fullest. Dirty tricks? You've used them with a smug smirk on your face. Impenetrable defense? Powerful offense? You had it all, and it caught his full attention.

His water would extinguish the flames of your blade, but as quickly as they dispersed, they would flare back up like the burning determination in your eyes. He found himself truly captivated by the mesmerizing flames that licked and singed his skin.

In the end, you won. Nevertheless, seconds passed after Childe's defeat, you fell to the ground along with him, catching your breath and swallowing down the pain that was slowing growing in intensity the more the adrenaline that ran through your veins slowly faded.

Childe was admittedly impressed. The Millelith hadn't given him an impression by their rather lacking strength, but you? You must be one of the higher ranks! He learned a lot just by fighting you and felt awestruck by how remarkable a fighter you were. Unlike any battles he had recently fought, you displayed true sportsmanship with it comes to duels, commending his skills as an archer. When he told you that he uses the bow simply because he was less adept with it, you expressed genuine shock.

"Really? Most archers aren't capable of fighting well as you are against sword wielders on one-on-ones, and you're saying you're weakest with a bow?" You gave him a toothy grin, eyes wide and filled with wonder whilst the both of you walked towards Liuli Pavilion. Since Childe lost the spar you had moments ago, he had invited you for a dinner together, offering to pay for the expenses.

You accepted his offer with a fake smile (was it really?) on your face after you've shaken hands, putting away each other's weapons. "Mhm, believe it or not! You're quite a strong opponent, where did you learn how to wield your sword like that?" He queried, his gaze stuck on the person who defeated him.

You suppose you had nothing to hide, crossing your arms with pride as you said; "Well, my father was quite famous in Liyue, as I, for being an outstanding swordsman. He taught me everything I needed to know." With a nod, eyes meeting his azure ones. His fingers rubbed his chin, invested with your words.

Then, he nudged you with his elbow, a wide smile stretching his lips. "Care to share some of that knowledge?" He asks, wearing a hopeful expression.

You merely scoffed, raising a brow at the taller male beside you. "And why should I?"

Without missing a beat, he shot a smirk your way, crossing his arms as he narrowed his eyes. "So I can surely beat you in our next duel."

Breaking into fits of (genuine) laughter at his cocky attitude, you shook your head. "Oh? Then that gives me more reason not to tell you then." You remarked. But he only tutted at you, hair flowing prettily against the winds, "Awww, scared that I'll find your weakness? That an archer like me can beat your ass to the ground?" He said teasingly, the corners of his eyes crinkling in amusement.

For the first time in a while, you felt your heart race in anticipation. Though, back then, you had mistaken it as the fleeting sensation of victory beating in your heart. You had thought he had fallen into your trap when, unknowingly, you had fallen as well.

"Alright," You'd huff, "Bring it on."

It has been... months since you've seen the last of Lady Ningguang. Usually, you'd report to her Lady every few days, updating her about the progress of your mission.

Lately, though, a sense of dread would creep up toward your heart whenever you thought of visiting the Jade Chamber. Oddly enough, you felt eyes following you with every step you take, and because of that, you've grown incredibly weary and paranoid.

But you have a guess on what makes your heart waver when it comes to Lady Ningguang and your duties.

Childe.

Even the mere mention of his name makes you grit your teeth. For the past few months, the more this mission of yours went on, the more you grew to hate him.

You absolutely abhor him.

He made your seemingly effortless task drag on longer than you'd like. And despite being aware that gaining a person's trust was not like a leisure walk through Liyue Harbor, you hated every passing second you spent with him.

Childe was annoying, arrogant and you can't stand him. He would nag you for a spar so much that you'd have to hide across Liyue to avoid him, often asking a kind gentleman working in Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, named Zhongli, to distract the bothersome ginger who refused to leave you alone for some reason.

Asking him why he wants to stick around you so much was utterly fruitless, for he would blatantly lie to your face (just as much as you lie to him). "I want to score higher than you in our spars!", "Why can't I? Aren't we comrades?", "Getting tired of me already? Too bad!", and so on.

The moment he opens his mouth, you want to bury yourself in the ground, never to listen to his senseless blabbering. You hated so many things about him that you can list them.

You hate the cocky smile he'd always have when he walks up to you, asking you for a spar, his voice that would always get on your nerves, his bright, blue eyes that always seem to spark back to life whenever he looks at you, the way he always perks up when he hears you approaching because it's totally normal for people to memorize the sounds of another's footsteps, the way he's always eager to treat you dinner—

The way he makes your heart skips a beat whenever he laughs, the way he touches you oh so gently even though you're the one who kept beating him in fights, the way the tone of his voice changes whenever he speaks to you or says your name—

The way he makes your cheeks burn hotter than when you use your pyro vision whenever he shamelessly flirts with you 'as a joke', the way he makes butterflies flutter in your stomach whenever he sends you the most loving smile you've ever seen in your life, the way he never fails to make you feel so special because, for some reason, he's always so drawn to you, like a moth to a flame.

You hated Childe, and you had so many reasons for it, including making you fall for him. Hard.

At the moment, you were hiding from Childe again, watching Zhongli lead him away from where you hid. He had a pout on his lips, arms crossed as he clearly looked upset. You were a master at hide and seek, and he had never caught you once amidst your foolish games.

Once they were both out of sight, you leaned back against the tree you were on, the smile you once wore simply because you saw Childe acting so foolishly when it comes to you quickly morphed into a frown as you looked up into the skies, eyeing the Jade Chamber that infinitely hovered in the skies, casting a shadow all over Liyue. A place you once wanted to be part of, now a sight for sore eyes.

You wondered if Lady Ningguang knew. Of your inner turmoil, of your struggles, of your evident betrayal to your Lady, to Liyue. Thinking about it made your chest hurt, your hand clutching your chest. A younger version of you would surely be disgusted at your pathetic state. You? Who vowed to serve Lady Ningguang until your last breath? Whose resolve began to waver simply because of a man who's supposed to be your enemy?

A bitter laugh escaped your lips. How cruel. You once thought that this mission was the easiest one you've ever gotten. But it just grew harder when Childe ultimately asked you to be his lover.

And that was it.

A rejection followed by a fearful look, words that you knew would crush his heart and fake tears would be enough to wrap up your mission. To restore the faith Lady Ningguang had instilled in you, to make up for your traitorous mind...

But the way he caressed your cheek so tenderly, features softening at the mere sight of you, eyes both wary and filled with hope— Archons, you just couldn't. Not when you've dug your own grave, not when your heart beats for him.

On the day of his confession, he mistook your tears for joy. Instead, your tears were laced with unfathomable pain from the conflict that tore your heart. To serve Lady Ningguang and abide by your mission, or to betray your whole nation for the man who stole your heart?

The moment you realized you had fallen in love with Childe, a Fatui Harbinger, you willed yourself to avoid him at all costs. And when he sought you out, only to confess? You were devastated that he had fallen too. Fallen to the trap that fate had led you into, a trap both of you blindly waltzed in.

Once in a relationship, you prayed that he wouldn't notice. How your hands would tremble when he nears you, how your bottom lip would quiver when his were inches away, how your eyes grew teary when you feel his hot breath against your skin. It all felt so surreal, so addicting, you wanted more of him, to love him with all your heart, but indulging him made you feel sick.

Touching him felt like a sin, both to him and the country to which you once devoted yourself. His skin against yours burned you, accidentally flinching whenever he reaches for you, and your heart felt like it was being stabbed repeatedly.

You were so desperate for him, yearning for him, yet your heart ached when he utters those sweet words in your ears.

"I love you."

Archons, what have you done?

The words you spoke felt like shattered glass rolling off your tongue. Who knew simply talking would hurt so much?

But the weight was lifted off your chest once you finished speaking, a strong pair of arms wrapped around your trembling body, reassuring, but shaky words being whispered to your ear. You clung to him, hands gripping the back of his shirt.

To say that he was shocked was an understatement. He has his suspicions toward you (and ignored them), but he never would've thought the burdens you carried were to that extent. Childe understood now though. Why you acted so strangely despite accepting his confession. You truly did love him, but the guilt in your heart ate you from the inside.

He understood how you felt, so he held you in his arms tightly, refusing to let go of you until you tell him so. To quell the pain in your heart little by little, to kiss you whilst you shed tears, to touch you as if you were bound to fall apart as you unraveled yourself completely bare only for him to see.

And when you agreed to his suggestion, his heart rejoiced.

"Join me. Let's leave Liyue."

But things never go the way they should.

Lady Ningguang knew. Of course, she did. She knew of your plans of departure from Liyue, and she wouldn't stand idle anymore for a traitor like you.

It happened all too fast. One moment you were on patrolling as a faux Millelith soldier, and the next thing you knew, you were being chased by your peers all across Liyue Harbor.

They were at every corner you turned to, surrounding you and cornering you. You can't escape anymore, you were trapped. It was then that realization struck you; she had finally made her move.

You will regret this later on, but you summoned your sword and pointing it threateningly at the multiple soldiers that blocked your path. You were to join the Fatui soon enough, so there won't be any harm in starting now, right?

But before you could even swing your sword, you heard his voice, calling your name and clearing a path toward him. Your breath got caught in your throat as you almost cried in relief, turning to run to him, to finally leave Liyue once and for all. His arrival saved you from lifelong regrets of spilling blood.

But—

Childe's eyes widened, arm outstretching towards you as he shouted your name once more. But he was too far. Too late. You ran as fast as you could, but you never reached him. The world around him grew dark as the once peaceful, beautiful nights at the harbor grew distant and hot. It suffocated him, to watch you fall to the ground, the brilliant scarlet colors painted the road, reflecting disgustingly gorgeously against the moonlight.

"Ajax—" You choked out, more of the pretty hues of red splattering out your mouth as the sight of a spear piercing your chest—

Childe was skeptical of you at first. Who would just randomly go up to a stranger and ask them for a spar? He was glad he accepted it though, despite his doubts, because you proved to be a suitable sparring partner from then and so forth.

You fought like a true warrior. You reminded him of fire that blazed continuously no matter complication. A flame that refused to go out, a fire that with even the slightest spark, would burst into flames with dangerous heat. You refused to back down, even if he was a Hydro user, you ignited your flames once again, forcing your sword to burn him to ashes.

And you almost did, and it made his heart tumble inside his ribcage. His smile was difficult to contain, not when he's never felt such excitement in ages! You were different, you stood out among the foes he's fought before. You were unique and he needed to know what made you so special.

You gifted him the knowledge passed down by your father to you. Although he never understood why you would do such a thing to him back then when he was merely just of your acquaintance, you brought him into a whole new world when comprehending the art of weaponry.

"My father focused a lot on training the eyes." You'd state, holding a wooden sword for training purposes while Childe sat on the ground, crossed-legged, listening to every word. "The eye is an essential part of our art. If you trained hard enough, you can peer into someone's soul, quickly make a rough estimate of one's muscle structure, and pinpoint their weaknesses."

Childe, like the child he is, raised his arm as if he was a student wanting to inquire about his teacher. You loudly huffed at his behavior but never told him off. "Yes?" You arched a brow at him, a hand on your hip.

"Is that really possible or just an exaggeration?" He asked, and you were surprised it wasn't in a mocking manner. With a smile and a hum, you nodded proudly, gripping your sword, and got into an offensive stance.

"Hah! An exaggeration?" You snickered, "I only speak of the truth, my dear student. With it, you can anticipate your opponent's next move." Childe blinked, doubtful of what they just said, but nodded nevertheless, waiting for a clearer explanation.

"We sharpen our sights until it's comparable to a hawk's vision. We can see how a hand would clench the weapon it holds, the way the joints would move, the way a body's trajectory would shift, and much more." You recited as if you'd said this hundreds of times before. "We observe each movement, be it big or small."

He let out a sound of awe, eyes wide as he stared up at you, obviously impressed. "And you're teaching me such arts? Something passed down your family?" He asks, growing unsure as a small frown tugged the corners of his lips.

But his heart merely thrummed hard against his chest when you turned to him with a smile adorning your features, an unreadable emotion lingering in your eyes, but still shining brightly against the warm sun. Perhaps if he had this ability, then he would've known what you felt that day.

"For some reason, I trust that you would honor my family's way of the blade more than anyone in Liyue." You sighed, your gaze shifting away from him as you let a stray butterfly perch on your finger, the wind making your clothes flutter. "Of all the people I've fought, you bear what it really takes to be a warrior, despite the lust for battle hidden deep inside." Childe felt himself stiffen when you mentioned a part of him he hasn't shared with you just yet, but you simply giggled at his reaction, winking.

"It's what I've gathered by watching you how to fight."

And he let himself relax at that. After all, Childe was a firm believer of those words; How a person fought was enough to discern one's personality.

"But you did give it away rather obviously." You teased, only for Childe to frown once more, confused. "You laughed on the verge of losing."

His cheeks grew warm at that, a sheepish smile stretching his lips as rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed. "Did I?" He chuckled, looking down at his lap, a sullen expression overtaking his features despite the laughter he forced. He knew at that moment that you'd think he was a weirdo. A creep who gets thrilled in bloodshed battles.

Though, you never cease to surprise him. Stepping in front of him, your shadow loomed over his figure and he raised his head to look up at you, expecting a look of disgust or mockery on your face, but it was just the same gentle face you always wore. Offering him a hand, he accepted it, and let himself be pulled upwards by you.

"I see no fault in it, Childe." You reassure, patting his back as you gave him a wooden sword to finally begin training. "Somethings are out of our control, so lend myself to you."

Childe sputtered, once again, surprised by your words and taking a step back, but you just chuckled at his reaction. "I'll spar with you if it helps quell this insatiable desire. Well, if that's what you'd like."

Speechless, he stood there dumbly, stuck in thought. A permanent sparring partner? Just to help suppress the consuming feeling to seek chaos and destruction? Torn, he couldn't help but crease his brows as he tried to make out any lies. But no, he couldn't see any. Your eyes only held sincerity, a patient smile carved on your lips.

Why are being so kind to him? Why, from then on, you decided to allow him to be your friend? Why did you crawl through the cracks of the faulty walls of his heart and made yourself a place inside it without his volition?

How cruel you were to invade his mind on a daily basis.

Your laughter reminded him of the sounds of chiming bells that hung outside of the homes in Liyue, harmonizing with the gentle breeze of the wind. Your smile held a warmth that he never knew he could once again feel in his heart. Your kindness, concern, gentleness— it made him weak in the knees.

You sparked life back into his dead, soulless eyes.

And you quickly snuffed them out once more, as if it was never there in the first place.

Like everything else that exists, your artistry of weaponry had a fatal flaw, and he could remember those words clearly.

"Our backside is one of the most vulnerable spots to users wielding this art. If an opponent was too quick for our eyes to reach them and attacks us from behind? We're good as dead if we don't improvise."

Maybe that's why you couldn't see the spear aimed at your back, piercing through your chest, right at your heart.

Childe grew to love the rains in Liyue, mostly because you loved them. You'd stomp onto puddles, running through the rain as you let the drops of water completely soak you entirely. You'd take his hands in yours, and dance with him under the rain. But no matter how dark the clouds were, you'd brighten up his surroundings, all it took was your loveable smile.

Though now, the intensity of the rain was not enough to clean the stain of your blood off his hands.

In the middle of the sea of bodies and diluting blood, Childe had your limp body in his hands. He couldn't save you. He wasn't fast enough, wasn't strong enough. Even with knowledge of your art, he couldn't have anticipated this.

In his veins, he only felt anger and despair, his heart torn to pieces as the one good thing in his life was stripped away from his hands once more. There were so many things he still wanted to tell you, to show you the beauty of Teyvat, to introduce you to his family—

But you were gone. The Vision that hung on your waist, dull and gray, the vibrant reddish-orange glow it once illuminated, gone, similar to your eyes that once held so much life. The fire that burned fervently has been completely extinguished. You have never felt so cold in his arms.

Was this your punishment for loving him? Was this her doing?

In the rain, he let himself break, burning hatred engulfing his heart as he glared at the Jade Chamber that proudly hovered amongst the stars.

There was one thing in his mind as he continued to grieve; the Jade Chamber will be no more.

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selfundiagnosed · 22 days

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One time i saw a tiktok on instagram that was the life of someone with intrusive thoughts and she was like “i should dye my hair” or some other impulse and this guy stitched it and was like hmm weird mine are more like “i should put my hand in this blender” and im like weird! youre both just experiencing impulsive thoughts not instrusive thoughts the modern dilution of psychobabble is so surreal..!!😭 one of U just experiences violent impulsive thoughts and the other has quirky ones. Neither are indicative of intrusive thoughts.. Intrusive thoughts are like having an omnipotent entity giving you flashes of images in your head of horrible things happening to you/your loved ones.. thinking “I should ___” is not an intrusive thought SHRUG sorry if that offends you or invalidates your violent impulses. its more like a horrible scenerio in which you would be so out of control that the thing would occur on accident. or would happen TO you. Its not an active conscious (albeit random) choice to be thinking about something. I should bite this chunk of lava (i know it would kill me but it seems satisfying to chomp into). and youre disturbed by the implications of dying trying to eat lava… it just isnt the same as an intrusive thought which is placed in your head by what feels like a secret 3rd party… and i fear this is why so many people think people with niche ocd subtypes MAKES you that thing. Why people are disgusted when they find out about pedophilia ocd. Gender identity ocd. Morality ocd. Saying you have intrusive thoughts about an awful timeline in which youre a pedophile or abuser means to them youre fantasizing about it because to the general population intrusive thoughts have been watered down to mean silly or even maybe insane impulses you know you shouldnt do but omg wouldnt it be sooo cool if you could do it just once with no consequences? in reality its as if your mind has conjured up your worst nightmare timeline without your control. It makes you become whatever you think society hates the most and this will be based on each person’s individual experiences navigating the world. Some real social taboos like being a rapist or imaginary ones based off cultural beliefs like being gay/transgender. All in all the dilution of this type of psychobabble effectively alienates mentally ill people from their own niche communities leaving us with no space to seek solidarity for our specific issues caused by our disorders. Sorry you think she isnt suffering because she has hair dye impulses and you have real impulses like put hand in blender but at the end of the day you guys both experience impulses like everyone else does. And heres the thing is we all experience intrusive thoughts like even neurotypicals they just dont present like “i should do x y z” that would be an impulse. they present like vivid gifs in your head like thats so raven style or maybe some other specific way that doesnt imply a conscious choice in whether youre acting on the thought or not. But im not Gd or your boss or your father so dont listen to me!

#it will forever annoy me people who misuse words with very specific connotations

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archer3-13 · 4 months

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I HAVE COMPLETED ALL OF THE STARTING CLASS QUESTLINES IN FFXIV, SO HERES AN OFF THE CUFF COMPARISON OF THE STARTING CLASSES

this will all be subject to opinion of course, but idk i wanna do it.

starting with, how do each of the starting classes play before you upgrade to the proper jobs?

not well on the whole if im being honest. i dont think any one of the classes stand out in the below 30 range, a consequence of being the basic building blocks of the game but still. from best to worst

1 pugilist: its fast, it hits hard, its gimmick is easy to grasp, and it gives you a good collection of tools to easily slip in to how people generally play this insane game. the only bit i have a problem with would be steel peak and the chakra gauge, as steel peak feels pretty useless at the pugilist level [it hits slightly harder then a normal hit, but your basic combo is just better in every way then the set up it needs].

2 lancer: rather plain missionary as far as a dps class goes, though i feel thats to its benefit in many ways as its real simple to figure out and use. plus javelins are a nice poking tool as everyone charges recklessly ahead. what brings the class down somewhat is that it has no aoe before dragoon and that it feels sluggish compared to something like pugilist. hit sound effect is deliciously cronchy though.

3 archer: pretty much everything you'd realistically want from the class honestly, it feels a bit sluggish at the start but when ya unlock the aoe shooting the class quickly becomes one of the best for handling large groups of enemies. its solid all around if somewhat unexciting at times sitting in the back shooting arrows.

4 marauder/gladiator: putting them together because they play exactly the bloody same below 30. thankfully despite the worry i had going into a tanking class, i found myself rather enjoying the kit. the most difference between the two i'll note is that marauder is more aggressive well gladiator is more reactive as far as tanking goes. but again, at the below 30 level they play exactly the bloody same.

5 rogue: id like this class more if its kit was a bit bigger. like lancer its lacking aoe before upgrade but unlike lancer its kit is way too small to offer much variety in how you approach situations. plus the hide and backstab stuff is only really useful, so far anyways, in story moments or open world cheese. regardless, the class is fast and hits well so its feels exhilarating to use.

6 arcanist: its kinda intimidating when ya first get hold of it, but i find once ya get a grasp on the class its actually one of the more fun ones to play at low level. i feel it hits harder and faster then other magic classes, you can do a lot with it, and getting the rhythm for its use feels real satisfying.

7 conjurer: being a low level healer feels agonizing, your squishy, you cant hit too hard or fast, and the micromanaging feels daunting especially when your first getting used to the class. and when ya get the hang of it, it doesn't feel quite as rewarding as other classes as your generally stuck to the tanks ass, and if your arent stuck to the tanks ass then shits gone horribly wrong. atleast people seem to appreciate you more.

8 thaumaturge: unlike conjurer which was cursed by design as a basic bitch healer, thaumaturge feels awful to play on the whole in my experience. ironically you dont feel like your hitting as hard as the arcanist, your slower, the switching gauge gets annoying, and ya cant really do anything exciting with the class. i dont hate it, but i do think if a new player is starting with it, they'd get a pretty aggravating impression of the game.

and now, onto the stories of the class questlines themselves! again from best to worst

1 rogue: massively benefits from being the late comer. its more extensive, more cinematic, the character writing well not anything extraordinary is still solid overall, and well the quests can be a bit lengthy they do offer interesting things to do.

2 lancer: gets to rest at the top of the pile less because of anything specific it does and more so because of how it stands out. the only class quest line that functions as an honest to god tragedy/parable/whatever ya wanna call it which elevates it otherwise smaller nature compared to other class quests. i dont feel foulques is actually all that interesting of a character, and if another starting class questline took a similar approach as the lancer quests then i feel he'd be far less memorable [as hes just kinda a self important ass at the end of the day, despite his tragic backstory]. Still, in the lancer quests case, simplicity is elegance in that the quests are straightforward and the story direct in its impact. inelegant definitely. unique, definitely.

3 conjurer: its okay. doesn't trip over itself, says what it wants to say, and has you doing things that arent too much of a hassle. i really like its ending scene too where... conjurer girl finally properly connects with the nature magic vibes for the first time, and remarks on how much more alive everything now feels. its euphoric in a way, and makes the process of getting to the end refreshing.

4 pugilist: dumb but in a fun way, the quest stories for pugilist dont take themselves too seriously and just have fun with what they're doing and in that sense it makes the pugilist quests a lot more fun then i think they would be otherwise. its not a gutbuster, but its intentional comedy that lands which is to its favour. some of the quests themselves can be kinda annoying to do though.

5 archer: kinda bland and it trips over itself getting to the end. i like what its trying to do, taking two characters who follow diametric beliefs about archery and who get at each others throats, only to come together in the end to emphasize the benefits of cooperation, cultural exchanges and crosses, and to tie to archeries literal history within gridanias context. elezen dudes a bit too prickly though without getting enough redressing on the matter, miqo'te girl is underwritten which makes her struggles not land with as much weight as they should, and i feel the plot takes such a sharp turn into the poacher bandit thing that the ending lands with more of a whimper then a bang. plus the quests themselves can be rather annoying. still, it was trying to do something interesting and didn't completely fail in that regard.

6 gladiator: i like some of the character dynamics at play and the quests dont suck. the story is too ambitious for its actual runtime though, so everything feels rushed and underwritten, and theres nothing really at play here that connects too deeply to what it means to be a ffxiv gladiator either in terms of themes, setting or even just on a functional gameplay level like all of the above classes. those characters are the only thing holdin it at 6 really.

7 arcanist: im not a big fan on glasses characters so a story heavily featuring them and generic genius academic type characters who prattle on about statistics and probability or what not... well that wasn't gonna be a slam dunk for me. the plot for these ones also just feels meandering, and like the archer plot it takes a hard swerve into the new thing it introduces at the tail end to its own detriment, only even more so. at the end of the day im just not sure what they were trying to do here overall. plus some of the quests are kinda a pain to complete.

8 marauder: boooooooooring. not only is the story a drag, but its characters are not interesting in the slightest save for like... one joke about marauders not being good at subtly. plus its difficult to have a story where your antagonistic force is a monsterous animal that doesnt speak human, unless you really well characterize the monster or have good characters on the side. and the marauder quests dont do either of these. finally what doesn't help is that the quests themselves are kinda boring to play.

9 thaumaturge: this one legit pisses me off, and it has everything to do with the story and nothing to do with the characters. im not a big fan of the characters mind, but they're fine. whats happening though in terms of character actions and plot movement is just stupid though, especially that damn jar with the devil in it. and to top it off, the ending feels anti climatic as fuck! the one brother well possessed goes around killing at least a dozen people, yet theres no remark on the matter after the possession and the intended theme to be take away from all this is "believe in yourself :)". fuck this questline.

#final fantasy xiv #ffxiv

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its-a-hil · 8 months

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ok. random question. literally from the random question generator at randomwordgenerator dot cahm: What's your go-to funny story now, but was horrendous at that moment?

(i think it gave me a question i already know but eh shoot)

hm.

alright i think this is actually more of the reverse than the forward direction, but sure

when i was in middle school, i was such a horrible procrastinator (note: i am still one of those) that i often wrote rough drafts of essays during lunch

(the one year in middle school i didnt do this was when i had english 1st period. tbh i wish my schedule had worked out like that all 3 years, but alas)

but i got so comfortable just throwing out words with a pencil that i kept doing it and now i almost never edit anything bc i need to write it all in one go or it's wrong

but final drafts still had to be typed & printed, so it was only my rough drafts that were like this

fast forward to high school, and rough drafts became less of a thing

my compulsion to procrastinate did not.

oh also relevant here is that i was emotionally incapable of asking for an extension or submitting online after class or anything

so.

senior year of high school. we had an essay to write on Twelfth Night, where we had to pick a word that was repeated a few times and discuss its effect on the story

i picked 'fancy' and used it to argue the absolute bullshit point that it meant the whole thing was a dream, because i had no other ideas and my brain refused to set aside time to do something more reasonable

except.

i did not begin writing until lunch of that day.

i did not have access to the computer lab i had planned to write the essay in.

i pleaded with a friend to lend me his laptop, on which i did the most frantic writing of my life. i dont remember if i ate any food during that lunch period.

(according to my diary i also said something shitty to that friend even as he was doing me a massive favor, which. god.)

looking at the document now (ty google drive), it seems that i didnt actually finish the essay, just wrote notes on the different uses of the word

im not sure if it was just a rough draft or notes kind of thing that was due, or if i lucked out and the essay was extended or something? unclear

but what is clear is that i wrote 440 words in just over an hour, and that's not counting the quotes i had to transcribe (which also made up over 400 words)

the following night i turned it into an actual 750ish word essay in also about an hour, bc. yeah. (i still didn't write an intro until i printed it out during study hall the next day lmao)

so anyway the essay was shit, the teacher was genuinely confused and pulled me aside after the class where she handed the essays back

note: she was also the theater teacher & that semester i was doing the play afterschool, and i think she knew i was better than what i handed in

in my defense i was fairly depressed that couple of months, partially due to an responsibility that i did not realize i could easily say no to. the only consequence that refusing that responsibility would have had is that i would have hated myself less and possibly liked engineering more

oh also looking at my diary apparently that was also the week that i taught precalc bc the teacher's partner was suddenly out for paternity leave and i had an essentially free period during the precalc class

so yeah that's probably the third most interesting week of my senior after the week that we had the play performances and the week i was out in the hospital when my lungs spontaneously collapsed

the funniest part of that story is that it took me another 3ish years to realize that i wanted to be a teacher, and another 2 years after that to act on that desire. lmao

anyway bc im sure you freaks want to see it, im putting the essay under the cut

Actual essay:

Twelfth Night is one of Shakespeare’s most fantastical plays. Even without the use of magic, the supposedly realistic events are completely improbable. There is evidence that the play was intended to be a fantasy, and throughout the play, the word “fancy” is used to suggest to the audience that the events of the play are little more than a fanciful construction of Orsino’s mind.

Orsino speaks four of the six instances of “fancy” or “fantasy.” Two of these instances come in his first monologue, right at the beginning of the play. He claims that “so full of shapes is fancy that it alone is high fantastical” (1.1.14-15). As Adams says, in this passage Orsino claims “that his own imagination is so fertile that it is supremely capricious and whimsical.” (Adams 58). It is odd that the play would start with this double mention of fancy, especially when the word is not mentioned again until the end of Act two. It is even stranger that the plot concludes with Orsino making Viola/Cesario his “fancy’s queen” (5.1.415). Although Feste finishes the play with his final song, this line is the last spoken by any other character, and is a natural conclusion to the play nonetheless. There must be a reason why the play both begins and ends with a word only used six times throughout. This is the most direct clue that the play does not merely describe events in Shakespeare’s mind, but instead describes events in Orsino’s mind.

More clues can be found by examining the other uses of fancy in the play. Sebastian remarks “Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep” after encountering a smitten, and unfamiliar Olivia (4.1.65). This line comes in one of the more fantastical scenes in the play, where Sebastian enters Illyria and is mistaken by everyone for Cesario. Sebastian can only conclude “this is a dream,” and calls upon fancy - imagination - to keep him from waking up. Sebastian addresses fancy as a powerful being, that has the ability to manipulate the world he sees. If the play does take place in Orsino’s imagination, fancy would have this power. Another thing to note about Sebastian’s mention of fancy is that it is in reference to Olivia. Her love for him, and reproach of the men who were dueling him, is the only reason he would want to continue living in this dream.

Olivia is a common subject of fancy, as used in its alternate definition of love. Malvolio, just before seeing Maria’s letter, thinks aloud that “should [Olivia] fancy, it should be one of my complexion” (2.5.24-25). Almost all references to fancy are directly related to Olivia. In fact, every major male character, except her uncle, is in love with Olivia. It is difficult for Orsino to conceive of a character who is not enamored when in the presence of the beautiful lady Olivia. To him, when Olivia enters, “heaven walks on earth” (5.1.99).

Regarding the rest of Malvolio’s scene, it is no less strange than Sebastian’s. The dour puritan begins with a statement of love for his lady, and then follows the insane directions of a letter that apparently describes her love for him, while the pranksters hide and watch in a nearby bush. Orsino’s mentions of “fancy” also take place in strange scenes. Without touching on the chaotic mess that is 5.1, 1.1 regards a Duke, who has been laid low grieving over his unrequited love for Olivia. She, in turn, decides not to admit any suitors until she has spent seven entire years mourning her dead brother. This scene feels almost surreal, setting the stage for the play that is to follow. Since almost every instance of the word fancy comes during a surreal scene, it can be inferred that the word is an indicator - a message to the audience that this play is a fantasy in the mind of Orsino.

There is one more use of “fancy,” however. During the argument between Orsino and Viola, Orsino speaks of men’s fancies as “more longing, wavering… than women’s are” (2.4.41-42). Twelfth Night is certainly long, spanning three months in Illyria, and the play constantly wavers from uplifting to demeaning, from reasonable to insane. The play as a whole fits so well with Orsino’s description of his “fancies” that one must wonder why that particular description was used. Interpreting Twelfth Night as a fancy conjured up by Orsino’s stricken mind makes a good deal more sense than attempting to reconcile the events with the real world.

Work Cited:Adams, B. (1978). Orsino and the Spirit of Love: Text, Syntax, and Sense In Twelfth Night, I. i. 1-15. Shakespeare Quarterly,29(1), 52-59. doi:10.2307/2869169

The notes i wrote during the lunch period:

The first appearance of the word comes during Orsino’s monologue. The grief-stricken man describes his lovesickness by referring to his imagining of fantasies involving Olivia. Fancy is “full of shapes” to hear him tell it, filled with all kinds of images (1.1.14). This implies an interesting idea of the plot; it may be nothing more than a lovesick dream conjured by Orsino’s mind. After all, the plot is as “high fantastical” as something a distressed lover might imagine. (1.1.15).

Malvolio’s mention of fancy is also about love and imagining it. He talks about “her [Olivia’s] fancy,” but the context of the scene and the rest of his dialogue imply that he is the one who fancies Olivia (2.5.24).. Malvolio claims that Olivia has said she would fancy “one of my complexion,” indicating that Malvolio has, through confirmation bias and imagination, convinced himself that Olivia was in love with him even before reading Maria’s letter (2.5.25). The fact that Malvolio, the outwardly stalwart Puritan, is as fanciful and in love as Orsino is a strong device for making fun of the Puritans as Shakespeare was wont to do.

Sebastian has his reference to fancy when he meets Olivia and finds that he is the object of her fancy.

[Discussing of the other two quotes]

In Twelfth Night, characters mention fancy when in fantastical scenes. Orsino had neglected his duties as a Duke to be lovesick over Olivia, Malvolio convinced himself that Olivia was in love with him moments before happening upon a letter regarding Olivia’s love, Sebastian came to a foreign city and found that a woman he had never seen was madly in love with him, and the final scene is perhaps the most fanciful of them all. Everything comes together in a hilarious, satisfying, and utterly unrealistic way. The use of the word fancy indicates that a scene either was or will be fanciful. This implies that Shakespeare is breaking the fourth wall, drawing attention to works of the imagination when the audience may be considering the play as imagination. In that way, Shakespeare implies that this comedy, however nice it may seem, is just a lovesick fantasy in the mind of Duke Orsino.

Note also that almost every mention of the word is in reference to Olivia. The only exception is when Orsino calls Viola his “fancy’s queen,” but Orsino could just be (Inception-style) trying to prove to himself that he can love another. That is why the timeline does not make sense; Orsino needed to believe that his mind was not so changeable, that he would need three months with another woman to move past his love for Olivia.

Quotes:

1.1.14-15:

Orsino: “So full of shapes is fancy

That it alone is high fantastical.”

Context: These lines conclude Orsino’s opening monologue about his lovesickness and passion for Olivia. The monologue is discordant throughout, and this line sounds very arrogant, that nobody but a lover could have an extreme imagination.

This quote illustrates Orsino’s arrogance about his position (which is expanded upon in his later argument with Viola) and tells the audience that Orsino has spent some time cooped up in his mansion thinking of Olivia.

2.5.23-25

Malvolio: “I have heard herself come

thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one

of my complexion.“

Context: This comes just before Malvolio finds Maria’s letter, when he is fancying that Olivia might be in love with him. He has almost convinced himself of her love even before he sees Maria’s letter, which would be a strange coincidence if Twelfth Night was not a comedy.

This quote describes Malvolio’s desperation to be loved by Olivia. He uses a few choice words and actions of Olivia as a justification for her love, indicating confirmation bias and lack of perspective.

4.1.63-66

Sebastian: “What relish is in this? how runs the stream?

Or I am mad, or else this is a dream:

Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;

If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!”

Context: This comes just after Sebastian enters Illyria and finds a beautiful woman suddenly wish to marry him. It is so illogical that he believes he must be dreaming, and he wishes for fancy to keep him from waking up.

This quote tells us that Sebastian is wondrous at his entrance to Illyria. He forgets about Antonio as soon as strange men wish to duel and a strange beautiful woman claims to be in love with him. Sebastian is far more relaxed than most people would be in this context, especially if they could not find Antonio, the only person he was close with for the past three months.

5.1.412-415

Orsino: “Cesario, come;

For so you shall be, while you are a man;

But when in other habits you are seen,

Orsino's mistress and his fancy's queen.”

Context: This is the last line spoken by any character except Feste. It comes after Orsino learns of Viola’s true identity and gives up his love for Olivia.

This quote implies that Orsino still thinks of Viola as Cesario, at least while she is in men’s clothing.

#lifeblogging #sorry for it being so long #but i also fact-checked myself on a lot of details thanks to having the edit history and thanks to writing everything in my diary #so ty past sahil dont know what we'd do without your need to write for us

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notabled-noodle · 2 years

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So ive done some thinking about ADHD

And ik this isn't a diagnostic trait

But I've heard lots of psychologists and psychiatrists and even diagnosed people, mention how adhd people keep on making the same mistakes over and over again cuz they "forget" the outcome that they've witnessed every single time

At first when i started wondering whether i had ADHD or not, that didnt sound like me. Im an anxious person, I triple check whatever I'm gonna do before I do it . Odering food online?? I reread the ingredients and the order 4 times before pressing order. Going to use the bus? I check the time schedule over and over even tho ik i cant have seen the wrong timethe 5 times i checked and rechecked it. So basically I usually leave no room for myself to make mistakes and If i make one I take it hard and never ever make it...

Or so i thought.

The respective mistakes that I make dont affect others. Thats the difference. No one else can spot them other than me. Cuz they don't change anyone's day, mood etc

I think that some subtle mistakes that people with adhd could be repeating are:

Sleeping. Every single day, I promise myself to sleep early to atleast get 8 hours of sleep. And every single night I forget my promise and I just end up finding myself thrown in a crazy rabbit hole in the midst of the night and going to sleep real late and getting barely 5 hours of sleep. Do i understand that its a mistake? Yeah. But do I at the moment forget the outcome? Also yeah.

Doing chores such as laundry, the dishes etc. These tasks are the hell of a neurodivergent person whether its due to a sensory issue, procrastination, the task being too boring? Who knows depends on the person. Often times i find my laundry and dishes piling up and i find myself scared of begining. I make excuses, I give myself a hard time cuz if I have time for washing the dishes then I have time to work/study etc. And yet every single time when i get the motivation and energy to do the dishes...i finish quite fast?? And i always regret not washing them?? Like no matter how many times i do the dishes i always end up convincing myself its some huge hard mission that needs total focua and total lack of responsibiliies

Now Idk if all what i said makes sense. Ive barely known about adhd for a year now. I read up on it to understand a friend whom said they believed to have it..and oh god did i hesitate about it in the beginning. But I did a lot of research and ive related to lots of stuff before deciding on self diagnosing. The main problem was that my symptoms presented subtly and it was hard for me to distinguish them.

I'm sending you this long ask cuz I know how knowledgeable you are on this topic and also because I read all of your posts and find myself agreeing with them

Do you think that these traits could be associated with adhd? Also what other times do you believe people with ADHD end up forgetting about an experience they would have learned about quiet fast were they neurotypical?

yeah, this often comes down to impulsivity, short-term memory problems, and not necessarily being able to think about things in a “cause and effect” way.

the anxiety and the desire to check, double-check, and triple-check everything can come as a direct result of years of being punished for impulsivity. over time, people with ADHD can learn what actions have a negative effect on others, and alter their behaviour to suit. it can be a lot harder to do this when you’re the only one suffering the consequences — you need a lot more self-control as opposed to externally enforced rules and boundaries.

in my experience, people with ADHD seem to be fairly good at breaking things down into past self, present self, and future self. the problem is that we see the future self as a completely different person to the present self. i.e. thinking “I’ll be able to do this tomorrow”, despite having no evidence that you’ll magically be able to learn those skills in 24 hours time.

the examples you included were pretty good! other instances of this could be:

procrastinating hygiene related things, even if you have the energy to do them right now — giving your future self those responsibilities because you’d rather be doing something else right now

quitting a bad habit or starting up a new one — you may want to reduce your screen time, but right now you also really want to see that new YouTube video and oh well, might as well start being good about it tomorrow

generally building tasks up in your head to be harder than they actually are, which then causes the tasks to build up, which makes them even harder than they would’ve been if you’d just done it straight away (a vicious cycle)

in behavioural economics, you’d say that someone with ADHD has intense “future discounting”. that is, we predict that the suffering of tomorrow will be less than the suffering of today. and we also predict that the joy of today will be reduced if we saved that joy until tomorrow. it can be challenging for someone with ADHD to process the concept of “delayed gratification”, because we can’t accurately imagine the reality of our future selves.

I hope this answered your question, and that it helped!

#asks #adhd

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butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway · 2 years

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!!! Someone else who gets just about triggered by 'smoothsharking' of any kind.

Like im autistic and I dont get jokes like that well because im bad at 'lying as humor' and all smoothsharking sounds like to me is 'haha person who doesnt get a joke time to gaslight them instead of explaining the joke!'. It sounds like ableism dressed up pretty and fine because its a meme.

Id argue it IS gaslighting because its intentionally insisting to another person that something is what it isnt. The effect is just about the same as gaslighting, even if they dont explicitly intend to make us doubt reality.

Id see people post 'of course being mean to people who doing get jokes is wrong, always explain the joke uwu' and like 5 posts later do a smoothshark so many times its unreal.

The joke is explicitly meant to come at autistic folks ('its to make fun of joyless assholes who insist on correcting you about things, especially jokes because they arent accurate') like thats literally autistic folks... do they not realize?

The joke isnt explicitly meant to attack those who have problems staying firmly in reality (dissociative or psychotic issues and such), but it is VERY unfriendly to them.

Its just so frustrating to try to explain or ever talk about this or even talk about things in a very serious context and have 500 people come smoothshark you on purpose even though they know it upsets you.

Its vile. The joke is just ableism and im just so tired of it. I dont feel safe seeing those fucking jokes I wish it would die already.

The person who started it had good intentions probably, but what its become is just socially acceptable ableist abuse.

Hmm. I'm not sure I entirely agree? I'm pretty firmly in the camp of "don't attribute things to malice when negligence will do". I think this joke was likely *meant* to be wielded against "people who absolutely need to have the last word". That....unfortunately includes a lot of people who aren't as likely to understand they have the option to bow out of the encounter. This is not a recipe for happy times for anyone. I'm...not really interested in litigating who's experience of being collaterol damage to comedy is worse/more immediate on this one.

But yeah, I think that the total devotion to the bit created some real conflicting access needs around the bit that did not need to be there. And I definitely experienced (and saw) people using it on purpose in ways that seemed really intentionally mean spirited rather than collectively entertaining. This was a bad combination because, as always, it very easily made "why can't you take a joke" a plausibly deniable dismissal of any time the bit was taken too far or used cruelly. Good cover for those who rely on social conventions to escape consequences for doing harm.

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substanceuser971 · 1 year

Text

made the connection between my addictive tendencies and my attachment issues both stemming partly from a feeling of wanting to recreate initial happy memories. it feels like other people are able to move on with their lives easier than im able to. people seem to n=be able to move on from me as soon as i stop being interesting and novel to them, while im stuck wanting to keep replaying what we had when we started, and it plays out the same way with drugs, trying to recreate that same way i felt those first few times i got drunk or high. it feels like i keep trying to create a tiny little time loop that i can live in forever instead of accepting when things arent as good as they used to be. and one feeds into the other too, people have left me for struggling with substance dependence and i depend on booze and weed to cope with feeling abandoned. its a really vicious cycle

ive been doing pretty okay with staying sober lately, but its mostly because i cant afford to stock back up on weed and the only alcohol i have is beer which isnt kosher for passover. today my landlord and his friend came over to do some renovations and they shared a joint with me, and it felt great to finally get high again but i also feel like it sent my brain right back into the mindset of needing to get high daily and keep it in my system. another part of why i get intoxicated so much is because i get fucking horrifically bored and understimulated, and weed and booze are the easiest way to stave off the feeling, so lately ive been trying to put my energy into hobbies and find other ways to stay stimulated as replacement behaviors for using. its been effective and its been a great feeling to be more productive and have more mental capacity to do things i enjoy. but after smoking this afternoon, once i came down from the high, i felt more bored than i have in a good while. the experience makes me think that maybe pot in particular causes me to be dependent on it to fight off boredom, and the lack of boredom it temporarily provides me makes anything i do while sober feel more boring by comparison.

honestly, i dont have faith right now that ill be able to refrain from buying more weed as soon as my paycheck comes in. my finances really arent great, but i have a slight buffer from my upcoming tax return covering my rent for may, and its way too easy for me to just take a bus downtown and hit up one of the many many dispensaries we have here. i can try to put it off for as long as possible, but itll only take a quick moment of my self control faltering enough for me to end up on the bus and then ill come home with enough flower to last me at least a couple weeks. sunk cost fallacy, if ive already bought the bus pass ill feel guilty if i just change my mind and go right back home. maybe if that happens, i can try replacing a dispensary trip with a bit of wandering downtown, check out the shops i havent gotten to see yet and maybe buy myself a cheap trinket or two, or a little snack. i think that would be a good idea, and it would most likely be cheaper without making me feel like i wasted money on the bus pass. i might try to do that if i end up on my way to a dispensary. but really, i dont know if i have the self control to keep from restocking my stash even with that backup plan in place, because its just so fucking easy to get my hands on it as long as i have the money to pay for it, and its so tempting because it feels so good to get high that i end up disregarding the consequences until they hit me.

it feels better waking up in the morning when i fell asleep sober. in the past couple weeks, when ive barely gotten high or drunk, its been a lot less of a pain getting out of bed in the morning, and i always feel groggier on the mornings after using. its uncomfortable and i dont like how hard it is to wake up. on the other hand though, my insomnia has been a lot harder to control since ive had to cut back on weed. it was far from fixed even when i was getting high nightly, but it at least kept my brain fro buzzing so much that i couldnt relax. lately i keep staying awake for like 30 hours at a time even though i get delirious staying awake that long. even right now i just feel exhausted and i want to sleep, but i have too much going on in my brain thats demanding i stay awake and Do Things despite being too sleep deprived to actually do much of anything effectively. im pretty sure i have some kind of sleep disorder, because ive struggled with insomnia and fucked up sleep patterns for years, but i also kind of think cutting back on cannabis could be exacerbating it. the joint from earlier got left with me, and we all only took a couple hits, so ive still got like half a joint left and its tempting to smoke a little more. i think the main things stopping me are the fact that my body feels too exhausted to get out of bed, and the fear of rekindling my dependence on it only to have to go without weed for a few more days.

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antisocialxconstruct · 1 year

Note

in regards to the time loop question, I dont think I would end up killing someone, if I did it would have to be bc they forced my hand or there was no escaping it. Otherwise I wouldnt be able to live with the idea that I have to remember that action, even if no one else does. the consequences wont affect the world but it will live on in my memory, and ultimately effect my psyche in future time loops... I think I just wouldnt want to bear that especially if Im in a time loop and with no idea if it will be forever or if there would even be a way out 🤔

🦇

That seems to be the most unanimous feeling and I do find it really interesting. Almost everyone who's responded has stated some variety of "even if it wasn't permanent, had no lasting impact on the world or anyone involved, and no one but me ever knew I had done it, I couldn't live with myself" and I'm so compelled by the fact that nearly everyone seems to agree on that because I genuinely do not get it LOL I'm glad none of us will ever be trapped in a time loop for real though, it seems like it would cause a lot of stress.

#ask #anon #time loop murder #rom speaks

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sl33pyperson · 1 year

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threats on the table: solas (ofc, hes the name of the game), venatori (gotten stronger in power after inquisition apparently? ive frantically been reading wiki pages), red lyrium templars (meredith wants to Wipe Out tevinter.)

this rant got kinda long and im just spitballing so

super scared we’re gonna get the venatori/tevinter vs templars plot treated really similar to the general mage n templar war, “wow inquisitor you chose One Option and now its over congrats! dont think about the consequences or ripple effect of any of these actions it doesnt matter! you just have a different skin on your soldiers!“

solas taking the red templars and using them to cause general chaos? yeah? hes used the venatori for his own means before?? i might just be misremembering what solas actually wants, but tldr its tearing down the veil to bring back old days where spirits n magic was everywhere? red templars seem P Bad for that plan then

WAIT THE BOOKS ARE ACTUALLY IMPORTANT IM JUST. GONNA COPY PASTE ALOT OF THINGS FROM THE WIKI

“The Carta assassin says that Solas wants the lyrium idol, retrieved from Meredith's statue thanks to a potion” “The Orlesian bard claims that he saw Solas retrieve the idol from an auction house“ “Their stories indicate that Solas has already started the ritual he intends to use to restore the elven empire, that it involves and has already started to affect the Fade, and that it requires the lyrium idol.“ theres another book where a venatori danarius has stolen the idol from something but the wiki says thats probably Before The Dread Wolf Take You

solas is literally using red lyrium to break down the veil!!!!! having meredith and her soliders everywhere would be so useful as conductors for whatever the fuck he wants to do???

screaming crying but its also the taint!!!! if theres another fucking archdemon im going to die!!!! but the wardens literally wanted to prematurely bring along the rest of the “blights“ by killing the sleeping archdemons so aoudhssdafiuhdf

bring along the world you destroyed previously by destroying the current world!!! fucking THANKS solas!!!!!

i got so fucking. distracted by solas i forgot the main bit of why i started this.

Who You Choose As Divine Is Really Important For How Many Templars There Are

also considering that REALLY good post going around about “why tf did divine justinia even make the inquistion in the first place“ “so she could destroy the mages and have the seekers as better templars but everywhere“

LELIANA: destroys circles as a whole, templars would still be around as a form of “security“ and shitty cop sbc i really doubt the chantries everywhere would give them up. theres still demons and possessions and ppl dont let go of the old ways. CONSIDER!!!! you can literally kill leliana in dao. she could be a spirit. shes also in the absolution mission scenes (still think she would do that even as divine but whatever) i really fucking doubt they would choose leliana as biowares canon, bc they hate mages, u can kill her, circles in nevarra are still mentioned in absolution.

CASS: reinvents a new form of circle and templar order. templars still around. she is STILL working for the inquisition tho, so like, i really doubt shes the canon one purely bc of absolution. if they didnt show cass giving those orders i would be less hard about this.

VIVIENNE: hardens up both circles and templars in the old way. oh my god. so many templars everywhere i bet, i forgot specifics its been a really long time but like. it seems like most likely at this point. vivienne is around no matter what, she doesnt care for the inquisition, shes the most “Eh, doesnt matter that much to other character choices“ one around

tldr oh my god if the red templars are actually able to go and infect other templars, and if vivienne is divine, they’re gonna have a huge fucking army and that makes them scary!!! i also hope who is divine changes the number or the tactics of the red templar army in game. but its bioware so prob not alas

#speaking time #absolution spoilers #kinda maybe whenever i mention the templars i feel i have to tag it

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aconfusedbee · 1 year

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i will never forget that feeling, always hated celebrated my own birthdays knowing damn well no one else cared enough to shower me with love that day, and i knew this year wouldnt be different and after all you knew how much i hated that day, supposed to be dedicated to me and to be grateful im alive, yet you put salt in my wound and made what you knew was more effective towards me, sadly i had to smile and pretend life was good and perfect yet every step i would take felt like the utmost of hell, i feel unreal and like i wanted to explode and scream untuk my throat aches. i did things i was not proud of and the pain was there still, yet no repercutions for you nor any care from your part was there, was it love if it vanished the moment i stopped being yours? it was not a moment to celebrate after all the damage you did to me yet you were there, prompting and showing around like you did nothing wrong and i was a dramatic witch who was was to blame, i havent been myself since what you did and tho i tried to look my best even in my worst i still hated you, hated how much i loved you and how much i went through being with you for all of that to happen, unfairness at its finest isn’t? i played the part quite well tho, no one else deserves to know how much you affected me and how much of me i lost those time because of you and your actions, such a hypocrite claiming to be the love of my life and then hurting me in ways i never knew i could be hurt, no one did it the way you did and i must praise you for that, you made me feel a new type of pain that i hope to never sense again, but of course deep wound lead to scars dont they? scars that take long to heal and ache every shower you take, scars that i will heal myself so one else has the luxury of seeing them. no one saw the mess i was around you, before during and after, and i intend to keep it that way forever because you do not deserve my pain nor the pleasure of knowing how much you made me suffer, no one saw me weeping every night and day making the passing by meaninglessly since i made sure to never let it affect me academically, no, you wouldnt fuck me over that way, i wouldnt let you have that advantage over me, ever. i cried, i screamed, countless nights with an enormous pain in my stomach, an emptiness that yearns your love, was it even love? what we had was it ever love? or was me accepting what i had because there was nothing left for me to hold onto. so i grew dependant on you, i had no one else but you so i loweres my standards and allowed all the things you did and said to me, i loved you because i had nothing else to love and with time it became something so big because i needed it, i loved you and lost myself in the process but frankly there was not much to begin with. didnt realize how much you affected me until it was gone, then i yearned for you because it was all i knew, all i’ve been having for so long so it just felt weird not having ir but what you did was not ok, it was not correct not right, you were so unfair i wanted to break, did you know how much advantage you had? putting me against the sword and the wall and isolating me to the point where i couldnt leave. then leaving me yourself so i felt like i was at fault and then let me to rot, let me to rot on my birthday and before, and then forcing us to seem perfect in front of everyone else because you knew i had no other choice no other option. you were such a mastermind, or was my demeanor that betrayed me into it? maybe both, i had such a soft spot for you for so long that frankly breaking your heart worried me more than the fact that i was breaking mine every day i was around you, i would wish you the worst and insult you but theres no point now, youre suffering the consequences of your own actions and i hope you wake up one day and realize your wrongs

#screaming at the void #thoughts #what i will never say #screaming at the wall #night thoughts #lonesome #breakup #feelings #sad thoughts

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blookmallow · 3 years

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hi i binged through all of salad fingers for the first time in like 8 years and im fixating again here are. My Theories. pls talk to me if anyone else has Thoughts or wants to discuss things. this is really long i am sorry :’ )

also shout out to the salad fingers wiki for helping me keep track of details and also for this

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thought: salad fingers is not violent on purpose he did not mean to kill that kid

this is less a theory and more “if you slander my boy with accusations i will Get you” but listen. i see people going “but he mURDERED A CHILD!!” because of the oven incident but listen. listen to me. he didnt mean to and cannot be held to the same standard of morality and understanding consequences as a. person who isn’t..... in whatever situation and mental state he has going on

- yes, the kid getting trapped in the oven was his fault. but it was not intentional or malicious and i sincerely doubt he understands what happened or why.

he was asking for help reaching the fish (there’s no reason to believe he wasn’t just genuinely asking for help. he tears up in gratitude. theres no evidence of him Tricking People Maliciously in any other context i do not believe he would do that) and was distracted by the rusty nail, causing him to let go of the door. it wasn’t “he cares more about rust than about a child’s life” or something, i dont think he can actually hold “hey look at that i gotta check that out” and “i need to hold the door open so the child doesn’t get hurt” in his head at the same time, rust is his favorite stim/an impulse thing that takes over everything else and his perception of reality and the things going on around him changes very quickly and easily. more on that later. but the important point here is it wasn’t a malicious plot, or a neglectful careless action, he literally did not realize letting go of the door would cause harm

he stabbed himself accidentally with the nail and passed out for a while (the fact that he immediately bled that much is concerning too, he probably has hemophilia which is. a medical condition outside of his control, as well) and after all that he had completely forgotten about the child altogether (and says “i must have dozed off” so he doesn’t even understand he passed out. and might not remember the nail thing in the first place)

we don’t see what happened after this, we don’t know how he responds when he investigates the fish and inevitably finds an unexpected charred corpse in there, but i guarantee he won’t remember why its in there or understand that its a corpse. we dont see it again so its. entirely possible he didnt recognize it as a person and either just disposed of it or, uh, ate it. but if he did, it wasn’t with the knowledge and comprehension of it being A Corpse or the memory of how it got there

theory: on salad fingers and memory / comprehension of death and consequences

more on that subject

- we see him frequently doing things and then immediately forgetting he did it or forgetting what was happening. he accidentally squishes the bug (which also was not malicious or intentional, he intended to pet it but just. went too hard) and has no understanding either that its dead, or that he killed it. she has gone flat and gooey for some unknown reason. that’s strange. she needs to go have a wash, that’s no way to be.

he eats the jeremy fisher puppet at one point and then immediately goes “where have you gotten to??”

he even briefly forgets hubert cumberdale’s name and immediately comes up with another one without realizing it, and then later goes back to hubert cumberdale again with no mention of barbara logan-price

he refers to the same little yellow guy as “young child” and also Auntie Bainbridge later on. he keeps up the fantasy of... whatever the fuck yvonne was being his child for a pretty long time but then when he arrives at “auntie bainbridge” ‘s house he suddenly forgets why he’s there, and even apparently forgets what yvonne is and uses ‘her’ as a window rag instead and never mentions it again (I also don’t think she was in the sandwich at the end either. it’s hard to see but the sandwich contents are vaguely brown and theres a visible lump in the black goo behind him. i like the idea that the lil yellow guy made the sandwich for him)

salad fingers is constantly subconsciously adjusting his reality to fit Whatever Makes The Most Sense At The Time and does not consistently remember things (sometimes even major things. he remembers his puppets the most consistently and still even forgets hubert’s name) or have a concept of cause and effect

i think he possibly has some sense of recognition, “I’ve seen this person before,” but doesn’t always remember Why he knows them, and his mind just automatically fills in the blank with whatever makes sense to him. he doesn’t remember who the yellow guy is, but knows he knows them Somehow, so, ah, of course, it must be auntie bainbridge out for her sunday stroll :) and he knows he’s there for a reason, but not what that reason was, so he decides it must be time to clean the windows

- milford cubicle was already dead when salad fingers opens the door, but he has no idea that hes dead. this isn’t even a cause for concern. my, he must be tired, that’s all. he kept milford there until he rotted away, too, so there was never a point where he realized anything was wrong (until he became skeleton. more on That later too)

- he finds a corpse buried in the yard and rather than confronting the confusing and alarming reality of that situation, why it must be kenneth, back from the great war! at no point does he understand kenneth is definitely dead

theory: kenneth vs glass brother

i think he really did have a brother named kenneth who probably died in the war. could be some subconscious connection between “recognizing” a corpse as his brother, but i dont think he realizes any of that. i think the glass family is probably a trauma based hallucination, but a... well, reflection. pun not exactly intended lmao. on how his real family was and how they treated him

i dont think glass brother is the same brother as kenneth, since salad fingers interacts with them completely differently

kenneth is a corpse that salad fingers projects a personality on and speaks for, while glass brother seems independent and malicious toward him. i think he had a good relationship with kenneth (so, when salad fingers imagines that he’s here, it’s cause for celebration and he’s projecting onto something inert and “safe”) and also had another brother (who was probably his twin) who bullied him and acted violently, so when that trauma resurfaces, he hallucinates a vicious Other that he cannot control or speak for.

it also tracks that the abusive brother was his twin - he sees himself reflected in the mirror, and something in his own face reminds him of that lost brother until it “becomes” him

he refers to kenneth as his younger brother, and sees him as a being that does not look like him, while glass brother is literally his reflection, so it would make sense if he had one identical twin and one younger brother

ive seen theories that he had a real sister named bordois too, but i think him calling the bug “little sister” was just. a term of endearment or one of his little odd language quirks, he seemed to be talking to it more like a pet than like a sibling

theory: regarding mable

- ok people are saying salad fingers killed mable at the picnic but i Really Don’t Think He Did

we never see him acting out violently when he gets scared. he tends to try to escape situations that stress him out, he shrinks, he cries, he goes into his cupboard (which is. incredibly upsetting given the fact he was almost definitely abused by his family)

he takes on a kind of Authoritative Tone often, he gets sort of ruffled up and disdainful toward things, but that’s not what he does when he’s scared

when he’s actually distressed (rather than irritated) he tends to break down and retreat. this includes when other independent beings act in ways that unsettle and upset him

so i dont know where the “he freaked out and killed her” idea is coming from. he suddenly goes from outside at the picnic to having a breakdown in his house so. he most likely just ran

i think the Only time we see him act out violently is when he decides he has to punish marjory for not getting a haircut like he asked - he tears her hair out, but for me that scene was particularly concerning because it was so unlike him. that was an anger response, not a fear response, though, and he tends to be harsher toward things that he’s actually controlling (I don’t think we ever see him decide to Discipline something that was independent from him other than the horses, and he didnt hurt them)

ordinarily when something irritates him he just goes “hmph! so distasteful. how rude. i shan’t have this behavior, you know” but doesn’t really actually do anything about it, and moves on

anyway we never see mable again so i think either he freaked out and ran away and she just didn’t come back, or he scared her and she ran away, or both

there’s a dress visible briefly when salad fingers is making his Flesh Boy which could be mable’s (he did comment he liked it) but it’s not 100% clear, and that doesn’t necessarily mean he KILLED her for it. she could have changed into something else and left it somewhere and he found it. she could have died under unrelated circumstances, and salad fingers found her - he doesn’t comprehend death, so. probably he decided they’ve made amends now and she’s given him her dress as a token of friendship, or something

i dont think it really looks that significantly like hers but the fact that it stands out so distinctly from the rest of the Pile could mean something

but i just feel like if he had killed her we would’ve seen her corpse again, he doesn’t have a concept of murder, or death at all, or consequences, and his memory doesn’t hold out that consistently, so if he killed her, he probably would have calmed down later and then forgotten what he did and came up with a new way to explain the corpse in front of him - oh, how rude of me, mable’s here dozing right off and i havent even offered her a blanket. let’s get you to bed

like, he probably would have dragged her home with him, with the intention of being a good friend/host to his guest, not understanding what happened. he kept milford cubicle around a really long time

it wouldn’t be like him to have any concept of hiding the evidence

speaking of milford

theory: regarding milford cubicle

salad fingers keeps milford’s corpse around until it starts rotting, and then after a very confusing series of events, the corpse is suddenly a skeleton, which surprisingly alarms salad fingers considerably, and then he goes out to find a whole bunch of himselves eating various bits of gore. they give him a present, which is a hat very clearly made of milford’s skin

my conclusion: salad fingers, in some kind of dissociative fugue state, skinned and ate the remains of milford cubicle himself and turned the remaining skin into a hat. he also saves some of it to make hubert cumberdale (the real boy) later as well, probably forgetting where it came from. he does not realize he’s done this or remember doing it, so his scrambled mind tries to make sense of it with other selves eating unknown flesh, and a lovely hat appearing (which he doesn’t seem to notice is made of flesh)

you can also see milford’s original name tag in the drawer later on when he’s building the flesh boy, so. he kept that after the mysterious disappearance of milford’s flesh, apparently. more evidence that that skin is probably also his

some other scattered thoughts regarding the most recent string of episodes and salad fingers’ mental state:

ive been trying to figure out what the fuckhell happened with the yvonne incident and everything that happened in the birthday episode

im really concerned for salad fingers’ health and mental state, as it seems to be deteriorating

some yvonne theories ive seen:

1. he ate the burned corpse of the kid who died in the oven, and it made him very sick, which ultimately resulted in a charred mass he couldn’t digest - he steadily gets worse, until his body finally ejects it (yvonne’s “birth”) and after that his health starts to recover again. since the oven incident happens really early on, all the times he mentions his stomach being upset after that until he becomes deathly ill would make sense, so i think this is plausible

2. the hair he found in the cupboard was actually a parasitic worm that grew in his stomach after he ate it and became yvonne. i think this is Possible, it is a really strangely wormy looking hair, but it doesn’t move and he mentions stomach pains before this, so it seems less likely to me

3. i also saw the concept that salad fingers is a trans man who suffered a miscarriage at some point in his past and yvonne represents that, and i can definitely see where the idea is coming from but i do think something really physically happened to him in the present time, i dont think it was all a trauma-based hallucination, since the yellow guy reacts to the black ooze and something was definitely making him severely ill

so. i Don’t Know what the fuck that was about but i think the burnt corpse theory makes the most sense

on that note: there’s a lot of cannibalism imagery in salad fingers

we have no IDEA where he’s getting food from. im pretty sure its been confirmed that he is Not a zombie, we see him bleed, pass out, sleep, etc so it seems like he must be a living person who has ordinary needs. but we see him eat... his own puppets. hairs. sand. the soup glass mother instructed him to make, which made him very sick. he has a working oven but doesn’t seem to have consistent access to water. he had a fish somehow but who knows where it came from. it’s very likely he doesn’t get food often and some of his hallucinations and mood swings could be caused by starvation (and when he does eat, it’s things that are outright inedible or probably not good for him)

the burned corpse disappears and is never mentioned again (though salad fingers is very sick afterward). milford’s flesh disappears and salad fingers violently hallucinates multiple selves gorging themselves on unknown flesh

and what concerns me the most about that is that he loses a lot of time in that episode

he passes out in the woods and when he wakes up, it looks like a shit ton of time has passed

we don’t know how much is reality and how much is his warped perception, but it looks like a tree has grown and his physical condition has deteriorated

he looks really, really unhealthy and haggard for the rest of the episode

i think he had a huge dissociative episode and lost possibly weeks of time, probably due to starvation, and he ate milford cubicle and very possibly other people as well

so my question is. how often does this happen to him

and what happens to him during that state? does he become violent and dangerous without being aware of it when he returns to himself again? or has he just been ravenously scavenging corpses when he gets desperate enough?

its possible dr papanak is another personality he has, one that’s “buried out in the woods” that he becomes when he’s in a really, really bad mental and physical state

he looks much better in the next episode (though that’s also when he has his outburst with marjory. could be that he’s still staving off the violent urges/hasn’t fully come back to himself after the last incident) and I’m really hoping the fact that he was able to finally stand up to his family (at least in some sense) and smash the mirrors could mean he’s making steps toward recovery after whatever the hell all that was

there’s not really much space to do anything with his life or get much help given the circumstances but watching him slowly losing himself even more is Awful :(

i hope we get more episodes im so desperate for more information now

lastly, some random observations

i tried to read this newspaper and it looks like it’s actually written in french, which is interesting given that salad fingers seems to be british (but fond of france, and seems to speak french or at least knows one phrase)

i wonder where he got this, or whether it ever meant something significant to him

theres a lot of evidence that he can’t read (takes no notice of the “harry” nametag and immediately names him something else, “reads” a letter that is actually a newspaper clipping in another language he’s holding upside down, “writes” a letter that is just scribbles) so i dont think he learned his one french phrase from this or anything but, still. vaguely interesting. maybe he has been to france before and brought this back with him for some reason. maybe he’s actually in post apocalyptic france and was just originally from england. We Don’t Know

theres a weird little face in the. heater? whatever that is in the background for a second and i dont like it

salad fingers leaves horace in charge, but then sees him (as a live horse) in the woods, but then comes back to find him both still on the shelf (as a toy) and in the room (as a live horse, now with his, uh, surgery scars) but doesn’t seem to notice this and doesn’t comment on it

i dont know what the hell that means other than possibly his reality is even less consistent and logical than usual/a reflection on his mental state deteriorating

#salad fingers #pinned #media analysis

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anotherhellchild · 3 years

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📁❤️ I really like your head canons and wanted to see if you had any about Bakugou’s home life

oh boy okay well, tbh im in camp 'mitsuki and masaru bakugou are assholes' so disclaimer right away: This is not a mitsuki/masaru friendly post.

also, i got most my inspiration/ideas from Sif, her hc's and fics are amazing.

This is gonna be very general probably and also pretty messy/ all over the place but if anyone wants me to elaborate or clarify then just lmk.

ALRIGHT SO, first and foremost, i think the bakugou’s r really neglectful. Theyve always worked very busy jobs together in the fashion industry and they go on lots of work trips and stuff. i think that from the moment they deemed it possible, mitsuki and masaru have been letting katsuki stay home alone for long periods of time. as katsuki kept getting older and more independent (which he had to be) I imagine theyd gradually start leaving for longer and longer.

also, i think that the communication in the house is TERRIBLE. like, often times mitsuki and masaru would just not inform katsuki of their whereabouts and katsuki wouldnt inform them of his either cause,, nobody ever asked/cared. So most of the time katsuki’d just find out his parents are gone whenever theyre literally not there and then its just like, ‘shit, nobody made dinner’. or smth.

and, obviously, the bad communication does not stop there. I feel like especially when he was younger, mitsuki would contradict herself on lots of things (as lots of parents do) like ”you are the child and i am the adult, therefore you must listen to me” but then she’s also like “You are not a child, stop acting like one and get your shit together”. Little katsuki would get so frustrated at this and so confused. I imagine that eventually he’d realize he can never be in the right with her, and thats when he starts resenting her a lot which builds up.

oh btw, I should mention; i dont think katsuki was planned at all. I dont think that mitsuku or masaru wanted to have a kid but then they did and it kinda threw their life around (obviously). mostly for mitsuki i think this effected her career quite heavily for a time and she’s blamed that on katsuki ever since. so she’s always resented him on a level.

But yeah, as i was saying, i think mitsuki and masaru r those types of people that were just never fit to be parents. they dont have the patience or care that u need for a child and it shows. I think masaru is the type to ignore and mitsuki is the type to get frustated too easily and lose her cool. So whenever katsuki was being ‘annoying’ or ‘bad’ he’d immediately be shut up or ignored. No time for explanations or reasoning.

Now, if we go back a step,, katsuki is a super independent kid. a consequence to this is that he’s had to teach himself a lot of things and sometimes those things just arent right. He doesnt know that though because he’s had to collect his knowledge from all over the place, which he thinks is normal. so then for example: maybe he’s fought with a kid at school and the bakugou’s are called. They’re both extremely mad at him but he doesnt understand why. If he gets hit, why would he not be allowed to hit too? Is that not how it works? WOuldn’t that be unfair?

but yeah, because he’s basically had to figure the world out himself, with mostly bad influences to look up to. he’s got a pretty messed up worldview.

Now, i ALSO think that despite mitsuki and masaru not really caring about katuski in general, they DO want to have that ‘we have a good kid’ status, yknow? like, they cant have katsuki embarrassing them or something. I think he’d be dragged along to a lot of places he never wanted to go (dinners, fashion shows, whatever) and forced to wear all fancy clothes and act all neat with no reward. consequences for ‘being a little bitch’ as his mom puts it, are not pretty.

he’s a smart and talented kid too though, and it seems, even to masaru and mitsuki, like he doesnt have to do much for it. which makes them think he’s lazy and stuff and thats not good. so they expect him to work for everything he does at 100% . again, consequences are not pretty.

generally as well, i think there are so many fights in the house. katuski speaks up whenever he disagrees with bullshit and even though he’s never won an argument, he’s always wanted to. so he’s not going to stop.

so yeah, basically theyre strict, neglectful and abusive. There are extreme’s they go to, and because katsuki is just the type to disobey shit he doesnt agree with, those are often used.

It’s been said by Sif before, but i really like the idea that todoroki and bakugou both had bad childhoods but in opposite directions. Thats probably the best way to describe it.

Actually, Ive had a fic in my head for a long time that would partly focus on katsuki’s entire childhood and kinda explain my thoughts on it

But anyway, this is getting ridiculously long and i probably have more i could say plus i can definitely go into more detail. as you can see though, my thoughts are a fucking mess. hopefully this made some sense. again, let me know if u wanna know more! :)

#tw: abuse #tw: neglect #this is a very fanon idea btw #pls dont take anything too srsly #bakugu katsuki #ALSO THANK YOU ANON :))#bakugou mitsuki #bakugu masaru #i coulda probably yeeted the 'katsuki gets kidnapped a lot' hc in there #honestly everybody should just check sifs stuff #her brain is too big #bakugou katsuki headcanons #bnha headcanons #im legitimately not sure if this even makes any sense #im sleepy so

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furiosity-wills-the-cat · 3 years

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Chara, the fourth Blook cousin:

A crack theory that accidentally become way more serious than it should have because it somehow, despite my best efforts, ended up making sense

Brought to you by my idiot conspiracy brain (affectionate) and by encouragement from my Tumblr followers

Under the cut for the sake of your dashes and sanity

Ok here we go my very elaborate accidental theory, because in order to answer the complex questions simply you must first make simple things more complex or something

First, you need to know that Chara became a Blook cousin by adoption.

All of the Blooks are adopted.

Ghosts are not born into families, they make their own.

Got it? Great, because we’re about to start running

so first, im gonna make surprisingly uncommon claim in this fandom, and I am going to say that undertale ghosts are all dead

I’m taking the tiny details we know about ghosts and sprinting with them to new places

Ghosts also do not have souls I decided

Undertale souls do not work the same as souls in traditional mythology

So every ghost is soulless Unless and Until they become corporeal

Evidence: Monster souls cant exist without bodies, and ghosts are monsters, therefore ghosts cannot have souls without bodies

Further evidence: Asriel doesnt steal blooky’s soul, blooky is unkillable, we have no concrete evidence that blooky has a soul

What about mettaton? He only has a soul after he has completely committed to being corporeal and to a specific body.

Also maddy and mettaton are both only killable while corporeal

Im also connecting the dots we have about souls in a new creative way so let me live for a second

Additionally, i am going to claim that there are a lot more ghosts than just the blooks, some evidence given below

Theres like actual scientific knowlege of ghosts in the undertale verse which seems unlikely if theres literally only three or four

The underground is so much bigger than you think, theres that giant forest in snowdin, a large town in the ruins, the huge city of new home, who knows how much space in the large open areas of waterfall etc. Its really really big okay

Also based off evidence of blooky, we can conclude that ghosts can turn invisible whenever they want to and/or haunt objects to hide

So I personally think that ghosts are, generally speaking, extremely reclusive

And the blooks are just a special exception, a beautiful family, amazing for them

So anyway im going with typical ghost lore for now, for the sake of ease, so im gonna say ghosts generally come from monsters who are particularly restless or unsatisfied when they die

HOWEVER i dont think they remember being monsters or anything before being a ghost. They just kinda fizzle into existance with a fully formed personality and immortality while being unkillable and feeling vaguely uneasy

ALSO i personally think that chara was a ghost for a long time before they became a blook by adoption

Based on game lore, i think ghosts can possess any inanimate object and just kinda wear it? But it takes a lot of strong emotion to become corporeal

And chara is the super weird exception because they were a human not a monster.

They dont have a soul (i headcanon that their soul got destroyed when asriel died)

And they KNOW this, which is a huge part of why they kinda just... give up

Because they lost their ability to fulfill prophecy

Also, without a soul, they lost their ability to reset, so for the first time since falling underground, theyre subject to the relentless march of time

But theyre still weirdly strong and powerful and more emotional

ALSO they DO still remember being a human but they catch on pretty quickly that other ghosts dont have memories and because chara is stupid they just lie to fit in

Theyre too tired to explain themself, they just want to be alone and feel awful

Now back to ghost lore

Emotions are a lot harder for ghosts??? I decided

And they dont know why,, they tend to blame it on the soul thing

But realistically its actually more of the immortality thing making actions not have consequences and/or or not having a body so they cant have a sense of touch or have physical effects of emotion

They all know that ghosts just tend to be way more floaty and bored and numb

And thats part of why the blooks are so special

Maddy’s rage and Mettaton’s yearning and Napstablook’s misery are like... not great all of the time...

but theyre also way way more emotion than most ghosts have,,, they are just a family supporting each other, being as functional as they can,, just an emo(tional) ghost family

most ghosts barely do anything except like stare at walls but the blooks have their snail farm and that helps them have purpose and it is good

And they hold each other accountable and it is nice

So anyway chara just chills and is in a depression coma for a few decades before the blooks find them and are like “our child/baby cousin”

and they raise them for a cool minute

They are all very protective of the new baby emo blook

And chara doesnt get therapy but at the very least they once again have a family, and they decide they want to try to become corporeal eventually just like mtt and maddy

So anyway chara starts hanging out in the ruins a lot more and they finally tell the blooks theyre leaving to go become corporeal in the ruins

This is actually because they are trying to hang out with toriel

because they miss their mom ;;

but chara’s not gonna admit that to anyone, especially not to themself

And because theyre still repressing their emotions constantly and pretending to be fine, they cant become corporeal

And they hang out in the ruins for a long time because they feel guilty lying to everyone about everything

They still feel like its their fault that all the monsters are stuck underground, because they were SUPPOSED to save everyone and they COULDNT and it HURTS

But again, they are doing too much repression to use this guilt to become corporeal,

so instead they just kinda hide and watch toriel from a distance and cry

Blooky visits them the most, thats why blooky is chilling in the ruins so much at the start of the game

Theyre just there to visit their shy baby cousin ;;

Ofc they wont tell frisk about this because chara wants space and privacy and blooky respects that

but maddy and mtt also visit them a lot

Oh also when mtt and maddy start dissapearing, blookys mental health plummets as their family and support system starts to dissolve

Blooky was actually doing extremely well (for a ghost) for a long time, i headcanon,

but theyre doing the worst theyve been in a long long time during the game, because of family issues

So anyway, chara dissapears when frisk shows up, and maddy assumes this is becaude frisk hurt their fragile feelings

Maddy spends hours desperately searching the ruins for chara and cant find them and assumes that they had their heart crushed and went to hide and disappear in a depression coma for another few decades, and thats part of why maddy is so furious with frisk

Like,, to be clear, maddy is still jumping to conclusions and throwing blame around with no proof, but also, its a logical conclusion to come to

And mettaton has already disappeared too and been gone for a while, too, by this point, so it hurts even worse

But anyway, what actually happened to chara is that;

Because chara is a human ghost, not a monster ghost, normal ghost rules dont apply to them

And they can possess living things too they find out

Maybe they knew it a long time ago, maybe its a new discovery, but for whatever reason they end up possessing frisk and theyre like “what the heck”

And frisk still has most of the control

But now chara is like,,, “this is my chance, im a human again, gotta save the world for real,,,”

and they cant explain this to anyone without revealing their past

so they just chill in frisk’s mind while being super crypic and trying to figure out how it works

Pacifist route, this is pretty much exactly what happens

They manage to help frisk save the day

And in my headcanon, the no mercy route is started by frisk who is scared when faced by monsters attacking them

And then chara, who was aready hiding in a semidepression coma for a while, immediately transitions to a panicked “gotta protect this body, gotta protect my chance to be human, i died and threw away my chance to save everyone the first time, i CANNOT lose this chance again”

And so the combination of both frisk and chara is the genocide run

Because frisk kills in self defense, and whenever frisk hesitates, chara jumps in

Also theres leftover feelings from the whole asriel incident

Because again, ghosts come from monsters who died unsatisfied

And chara’s main source of unsatisfaction is how they were trying to get asriel to kill people before he died and then he didnt

So thats a strong strong feeling ruling them

So anyway by the time they both realize how bad its become they figure its too late and also the amount of LOVE has made them numb

And thats when chara who, despite everything, still has idiot hero complex and thinks they need to save the world

So, while panicking, they step in at the very end, and erase the timeline and delete everything

And also to clarify

They DONT HAVE this power at any other point in the game

Because, guess why

They become corporeal

Just like maddy, the no mercy route is the only thing that gives them strong enough emotion to spontaneously become corporeal

So they become corporeal and as soon as they have a soul again and can reset again, they just erase everything

Ok back to fluff

Post pacifist route, they are still a non corporeal ghost

They can still float around and look just like the other blooks

And it takes them a while to open up about things, but they do end up moving back in with blooky so that blooky isnt completely alone

And also they do way better with a family

Also they can float through the mountain and talk to flowey down below and bring him news

And now that they know about him, they can bond with him and explain that they dont have a soul either but that doesnt mean theyre worthless

Oh ALSO

The other dead humans dont have ghosts

BECAUSE

ghosts only come from restless dead MONSTERS

and chara is the weird special exception

Because they were a monster when they died

They became a ghost and asriel didnt because they were way more restless and stressed than asriel was when both of them died

Like sure, asriel felt awful, but chara was the one who was way more like “this is my fault, i CANT die now, the world NEEDS me”

So anyway

charablook the emo tween ghost and asriel flowey the eldrich goat daisy are siblings once more and they hang out and eventually they are okay and have a family again

Thank you for reading, this has been my thoughts on a crack theory that accidentally went too far

This isnt even everything, maybe i’ll make a part two eventually, but i promised to have this post out like two days ago, so i wanted to post SOMTHING

Anyway leave your thoughts if youd like

Im not looking for people to disprove it, i already know its crazy, i dont think it was intentional by the game writers, but i do think its a fun concept

thats the fun of it, so if anyone wants to run with it im all for it lol

Thanks again! Have a nice day!

#no mercy #as a warning tag #chara undertale #napstablook undertale #fic tag #meta #analysis #crack theroy #undertale #i didnt edit this very much #so if there are any major typos or parts that didnt make sense #or were illegible #feel free to let me know so i can clarify

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