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newty · 5 months

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thinking abt (the great) war and disability and dion again.

was reading US surgeon-general/american red cross magazine called "carry on," which was published about and for the war disabled and esp ppl with new amputations. its view is p typical: a man doesnt need to be pitied or given money or he'll become wretched and depressed and a social parasite, so we're going to assure u that u can do all kinds of work, make ur own money, and do everything a normal man can do w some work arounds.

meanwhile hostels like st dunstan's for newly blind ppl chartered rehab programs thru donations by making stock appeals abt sacrifice, bravery, and the terror + misery of losing smth you thought was indelible to ur life once. and these two examples typify a lot of the attitudes that sassoon sums up in 'does it matter?' which, btw, im still pissed that the sass biopic didnt use at the end so that it could quote wilfred owen's 'disabled' instead??? in the end, both of their poetry still has a root in the fear of disability occuring to themselves that i think is more evident than in some fiction writers

jeno heltai's aviator w one arm had everything wrong w his head via hallucinations, alcoholism, distorted sense of time and value, that it was fairly easy to forget that karmel depicted a figure that was frightening to others bc of his amputation + not solely his mental condition. ernst weiss almost does the same thing in his short story abt the man who loses himself in rage and blame after he gets invalidated home bc his genitals got lobbed off in the war. the chara describes how he feels and looks feminized for a bit, and then it kind of gets lost in him ranting abt cows and rocks and killing his wife.

and like, if we take a step back from the stories, theyve created a character made more frightening by their physical disabilities, visible and not, which kind of makes them more and less of people at the same time. they escape the matyr figure and become psychological studies. i want to read more.

i think of how the US economy expected men to return capable of the same work they were doing before (or more), and how, like in larry barretto's writing, they didnt account for how many would be mentally and physically unable to do it. modeled after germany, disabled men were then shuffled through work programs modeled to give them independence through undervalued labor like on farms, which must have exacerbated all kinds of economic class things re: those who had to take care of themselves vs those who had family who could do it for them

anyway. i think back to this again bc i find that when i think of dion, i project this interest on him. ofc i have my right arm amputee dion, but i find myself thinking how any challenge to his relationship w his body, what parts he he has autonomy over, and so on make my brain brrrr. he has nothing of the societal vulnerability of the normal soldier, tho, but his temperament and the jist of the curse, bahamut, and his wider duty attract me to the idea

what if the boom after origin had damaged his hearing, or if he starts to betray symptoms of a concussion? how does he write when the curse stiffness his wrist, does the flying and jumping do anything to his lungs or balance, and do any of his medicines nauseate him? if his foot was twisted or his hip was weak, would he allow himself to walk less or until he couldnt? what narrative would he buy into abt his worth, purpose, and responsibility? i wanna see all kinds of dions

#i miss my war literature reading so much tbh #i started reading so many that felt so #not uninspired but just. too generic.#that they started blending #so seeing ppl write war conflict for dion is lighting my brain up a bit #brianna babbles #brihamut's mercy

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ruvatia · 3 years

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Sorry if this is a bit much with everything going on, but could I request a scenario where the Paladins + Matt & Lotor have a black s/o and they’re scared abt everything that’s happening in their country and are sad that racial injustice is happening? I’ve been rlly worried the past few days, but if this is smth too uncomfy I understand ;w; Thank you 💖💖💖

This got really long, I apologize but I turned it into half-headcanons with just the main paladins-- i apologize for not doing all the characters you’ve mentioned, but I don’t think they would fit all in a single post anyways www

On another note I hope you and every other reader take good care of their mental health; it’s important to be aware of what’s going on but it’s also important to be in the right mindspace to be able to tackle everything that’s being shared. It’s pain that’s been boiling for a very long time and there is absolutely no shame in taking some downtime to recover before heading back into current issues.

SHIRO:

If you were saddened, Shiro would suggest that maybe you switch to something else; if there was something that he knows will distract you and temporarily have you be a little more at ease, he’d do that!

But also maybe add a little twist-- extra soft blankets (fresh out of the oven! Screw the bills you’re worth it), extra cheese on your favorite dish, whatever it is that can make your smile a little wider, bigger or brighter just let him know!

Would give you hugs if you asked, but usually Shiro pets your head and brushes your cheek for comfort

He also does this when he wants to ask something of you, but thats another story

Why the TV was still on was a mystery to you, you’d stopped listening a long time ago. Your partner besides you noticed, and you felt the hand around your shoulder tighten his grip a little, bringing you out of your thoughts.

“Hey, maybe we should watch something else?” he asked softly, brushing your cheek with his hand. “I can’t really listen to this anymore.”

“Yeah… Sure.” you replied, though it felt like an automated response more than your actual opinion.

“Okay, I’ll switch to that weird show Pidge recorded the other day, we agreed to watch it, right?” he replied, quickly grabbing the remote to change the program.

The first episode started playing, but the moment that it did, you felt cold as Shiro left your side.

“Where are you going?” you asked, your interlaced fingers the only thing keeping him close.

“Ah, I thought I’d make us something. We both kinda skipped dinner….”

He’d thought about putting something together that you’d like, maybe order dessert to surprise you but seeing the look on your face, leaving your side was the hardest thing to do right now.

So he gave in, and your both fell asleep until the doorbell rang with your delivery.

KEITH:

I have this headcanon that Keith isn’t very good with physical touch but after the end of voltron and after enough time of humanitarian relief, he learns how important it is for someone that’s in a specific state of mind

So the best he has to offer when his words fail is physical touch

Over your time together he’s learned what you need depending on your mood, and it helped him out lots when you were more vocal about it-- if anything he liked it when you asked for things that he could easily deliver, he’d do anything to see you smile

A hand came over your phone screen, Keith’s fingers lacing into yours and making you drop the device onto the crevices of the sofa.

“Why did you--”

“You’ve been staring at that thing for the past hour, biting at your nails.” he said in a worried tone. “That’s enough. We’re going to bed.”

“But it’s just--”

“We’re going to bed.” he repeated in a harsher tone, lifting you off your seat.

Keith sat down onto the bed first, pulling you into him. You both fell onto the bed, Keith quickly pulling the covers over your shoulders before his arms came around you.

“My alarm is my phone.”

“That’s nice, but we both know we have nothing to do tomorrow.” he replied right away, making you chuckle.

“Keith…” you called, your hands sneaking up to his face.

You brushed away some of his hair from his face as he gave you a complicated expression, unable to reflect the small smile you wore. He knew things were shit outside, that being apart from your family and other loved ones was a toll on both you and that lately negative thoughts have plagued you more often than not but Keith, despite his good intention was still somewhat of an awkward man.

“Thank you.”

He kissed you in reply and you both left it at that, glad that he had someone like you to meet him halfway.

LANCE:

Lots of hugs the moment he feels something is off with you

Will be a brat™ for the sole purpose of distracting you, bET

I feel like post-series Lance tries his best to be as observant as Allura and tries to understand others better-- but it didn't take a genius or incredible empath to know why your eyes looked like they were about to overflow at the sight of the news.

I’d like to think that Lance, with a big connected family is one of the paladins that very easily gets what you’re going through, wouldn’t be surprised he’s been called one or two things in his past either

That being said it doesn’t mean that he completely understands your personalized struggles with racial injustices that you encounter everyday; as another minority himself + coming from a culture and upbringing that might be different than yours, its a very different experience.

Memories flooded as the news anchor spoke about “lootings” and as you scrolled down your feed to see feeble attempts at sympathy from local peacekeepers. You sigh and retweet another thread, only to find something equally as shocking right after. You stopped commenting in quote retweets a while ago, you felt like you were constantly repeating that none of this was okay and that a reform was desperately needed. Rather than typing out your thoughts you typed out your name, address and email over and over again, signing one petition after the other.

Hearing sigh after sigh, Lance eventually put an arm around your shoulder. He startled you, but his soft voice made both your shoulders and your guard lower.

“Hey, do you want to make a midnight snack with me? I’m getting kinda hungry.”

“What about that new rule we were talking about? Not eating 4 hours before we went to bed?”

“Every diet has one or two cheat days, don’t they?” he replied, kissing one of your eyelids. “Come on, I’m sure your neck is sore from being like that for so long.”

In the end you both made some soul-food until a food-coma knocked you out until tomorrow. In the morning, you realized that Lance must’ve woken up in the middle of the night because you remember cuddling on the couch, and yet you’re waking up on the bed. Of course, still in his arms.

HUNK:

Having a sensible heart, I feel like both you and hunk would struggle a little about maintaining a healthy distance with current events.

Though overtime he would understand that keeping in touch with everything that’s going on is important, but not at the sake of burning out

His best bet, to him, to pull you out of a such a dark space is with comfort food

“Ok ppl feel like they want to eat a horse but they actually cant when they’re in that mind space Hunk, let’s make something sweet and small; something direct and straight to the point! Let’s add smiley faces on it!”

Your turned down the volume from the news, let your head fall backwards and brought up your forearm over your closed eyes. It felt warm and made it you realize that you had probably been staring very intensely at the screen as a wave of comfort hit your eyes the moment they were drowned in darkness. Letting out a deep breath, you stilled and let yourself bask in your thoughts until a familiar voice brought you back.

“Maybe a little bit more sugar? No, then it would be disbalanced. The base is already so sweet-- Ah, I have to take the cupcakes out or else they might get burned!”

You felt a smile grow on your lips, making you ignore the horrid news being broadcasted to turn to your partner that as usual, seemed to juggle ten thousand things to create a whole meal.

“What’s going on over here?” you asked, leaning over the counter to note that one of your favorite dishes was made and machines that were mostly used for baking had been brought out.

“Oh you know, just a little pick me up for my most favorite person ever.” he shrugged, but a smile soon came to his face. His hands were full but he leaned over, his lips meeting your cheek. “Things outside are a little dark, so I thought we could both use a little something nice.”

He turned on the machine after dropping a drop of dye to make it your favorite color and within a few minutes the icing was finished. Hunk scooped up a small amount on his finger and brought it to his lips and nod.

“Wanna taste?” he asked you, his finger dipping into the icing.

A mischievous grin spread on your features as you took his wrist and let his finger fall on your tongue, the sweetness quickly spreading through your mouth. The yellow paladin shivered as you let his digit hang in your mouth for longer than necessary, letting out a satisfied hum when you returned it to him.

“Tastes perfect.”

PIDGE:

She knew what could be fixed, she knew how to fix it but this meant she was also aware of how long such a transition would take

I think Pidge would be similar to Shiro: whatever she remembers that helps you be at ease, she would defect to that in hopes to maybe distract you for a while.

I don’t think Pidge is a very touchy person either, so if she reaches out to you _physically_ in worry, it’s a very clear sign she’s serious/anxious

I feel like she would reach out in other ways and then if she knew you were in a specific state of mind where touch was not useful, or if she just also wanted to try things out lol

As you watched the twisted information that was being shared on screen, another message caught your attention. Rather than a small red icon in the corner, a small window appeared in the middle of your computer screen.

The video had stopped, every horrible gif about police brutality was paused and there was nothing else but the small window pidge had thrown onto your screen. You chuckled, and felt a pressure behind your working chair.

Another message popped up.

<You’ve been catching up with twitter for the past two hours. Surely you’re done now?>

A soft laugh came from you, making Pidge release a breath she didn’t know she was holding. You typed out an answer:

<Okay, but half of them are just cat videos and the other half are just retweets of said videos.>

You both laughed, before Pidge turned around and tapped your shoulder. She let her hand float in the air, yours coming to join it as a soon as your turned her way.

“Wanna take a nap?” she asked, letting her head fall onto your shoulder. “I had Chip make some hot chocolate, Hunk style.”

You squeezed her hand, putting your computer on sleep mode.

“Yeah, that sounds nice.”

#voltron writings #shiro x reader #takashi shirogane x reader #keith x reader #keith kogane x reader #lance x reader #lance mcclain x reader #hunk x reader #hunk garett x reader #pidge x reader #katie holt x reader #for context this was requested around june 2020 #its a year late and thata my fault wjdjan

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matoitech · 3 years

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hello u dont have to answer this if u dont want, but ur situation with gender is scarily similar to where im at except im in the mindset that im nb wlw and dont rlly kno whats going on. I guess if u kno how to explain it, I wanted to ask how u made that jump or how u could tell it isnt just a "womanhood is like that" kind of thing and is actually "i am a guy"

oh man i wish i had smth that would make it Click for u easier cuz i def understand being rly confused abt this kinda thing.. i got a few Thoughts, idk if they will help u out but hopefully they give u some more thoughts to chew on that will maybe help anyway. this got so long oh hell sorry gbfhg

i think like the main thing as like a tip b4 we get in2 the Meat of it is it is good to relax and b open to thinking abt bein a guy as a possibility, i dont know if this will make sense bc i do not know how to explain it rly but when i was struggling 2 figure stuff out what i had rly needed 2 know was that being a dif gender can just feel like You (but as u become more comfortable w it, you but happier!) for some reason i thought u had to meet certain criteria to b ‘allowed’ to make what seemed 2 me at the time a Leap but thats not how it works lol. u as u r right now can b a guy if u want to or r considering it. u dont have to feel different and u dont have to think abt ur body a different way or anything. sry if this part doesnt make sense its difficult for me to verbalize lol

it was hard for me personally bc ppl would b like ‘if u Want to b a dif gender than b one’ but like i said in those last posts, for a long time i genuinely did not know i Wanted to be a guy/was a guy, or whatever. i had no conscious longing about it or anything, that came later once i was more comfortable w accepting it. i didnt have ‘i want to be a boy/am a boy’ moments i can rly consciously remember putting into those words as a kid, cuz i just did not care about gender on that level till i was a teenager. like i cannot stress this enough, ur life and feelings abt gender n whatever do not have to match up with what u have commonly heard the trans experience is about. once u figure stuff out and r more comfortable w urself u may look back and notice things that may b like that common trans experience, but remembering this stuff or having these childhood experiences or whatever in the first place is not a ‘requirement’. like i said, no requirements for bein a dif gender

for me like.. knowing it for sure... making the Jump as it were. like its kinda embarrassing but literally the way i Found Out was i was feeling all sorts of things whenever i watched promare and i just felt this INTENSE longing whenever i saw galo that i later realized was just me rly feeling the Gender w him and being envious of that.. it had happened w other chars b4 growing up, but i had never rly noticed to that extent till now. and one night i was thinking my usual ‘i wish i looked like galo i wish i could be a guy’ maybe for the first time in like a Conscious thought, when i had never rly heard it in words b4, and i kinda stopped and was like. what? i WHAT? and then it clicked and it was like a euphoric moment for me. easily top 5 best 2 ams of my life. it is kind of a hyperspecific experience but it is also not UNCOMMON rly lol

also figuring out my sexuality was intertwined in that bc i was iding as a butch nonbinary lesbian and i had tossed the idea of ‘maybe id b more comfortable as a man’ around a bit but the idea of being a straight man didnt feel right 2 me, but luckily i kind of made the connection of wait im a man and im attracted to men at like the exact same time, it had to b both at once for me personally to figure it out and b happy about it. idk if thats smth going thru ur head at all but it was for me and was part of my Journey i guess and may help to think abt it a bit lol

and while yes its absolutely about what makes u more comfortable at the end of the day, i think it wouldve helped for me to hear ppl say that just bc the idea of being a dif gender (in this case Man) might make u feel confused and maybe even uncomfortable rn, that doesnt necessarily mean u r not one if youve been struggling w this and wondering, it might just mean u havent had that clicky moment and r ready to rly think abt it yet. i have grown much more comfortable w myself over time as ive figured this stuff out and i am still open to figuring out more abt myself and i think thats a good place to b at! just b open to stuff like this that u maybe had never thought would have a positive effect on you or make you happier.

speaking from experience i think if ur confused and maybe even miserable telling urself that womanhood is just like that and u gotta suck it up and get used to feeling uncomfortable and bad, u dont have to live like that! im not saying that ‘oh im actually a guy’ is gonna b what everyone who is struggling w thats answer is cuz obviously thats not true- and im not saying how i just described it is even how u feel- but like. as someone who thought that same thing but less consciously. womanhood does not have to be a confusing sad experience, its not an inherently miserable experience, it is possible it just isnt for you and trying smth else might make u feel better. and that can b rly hard to figure out in the moment, cuz ur Used to feeling like this and even if youve heard it can b different it might b hard to have that ‘oh theyre talking to ME, it can be different for ME not just everyone else’ moment lol

also i dont know if this is relevant to u but im saying it in general 2 anyone who needs it i guess; being a man isnt a bad thing and it doesnt make u an inherently bad person, manhood and masculinity r not inherently or naturally toxic or something. thats a harmful mindset to have for multiple reasons and a whole nother post so im not gonna b like and now a word about transphobic red flags but like, worth mentioning that that can b harmful or dangerous to trans ppl, transmascs and transfems.

my god this got rly long... if anyone else has went thru a similar thing and has anything 2 add, feel free to :0 hope i somehow got around to answering ur question w all the rambling! i am just one guy and my experience may or may not b helpful to hear about, especially bc my memory is not the best lol <3 hope it helped at all tho!

#long post #NINE PARAGRAPHSSSS #fess replies #anon

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smallestclowninthecircus · 3 years

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Ok yall I'm listening to tma for the first time and im gonna record my thoughts here.

I dont even know if this is worth posting but im going to do it anyways. I listened to episodes 1-40 in 3 days, I believe that's the first season.

ep 1: this is v good so far idk not much to say

ep 2: are all of these gonna have somebody named jon? thats the name of the dude speaking right?

ep 3: design with lines and a square in the middle? gotta be real that just sounds like a spider web. (isnt there an entity or wtvr called The Web? i think?) also are we just gonna brush over whatever thing shoved her into the street bruh

ep 4: the eye! That's a thing I remember seeing posts about

ep 6: worms? Worms!! "This story is concerning" arent they all?? who the heck is Jane prentiss uh oh

ep 7: so I'm guessing this is one of the entities we hear about?

ep 8: fractals feel like a Web thing idk its just vibes. this box sounds like a Web thing too- oop yeah spiders

ep 9: ik the hand with the eye on it is significant cuz i see it in fanart but im not sure what it means.

ep 11: web go brrr

ep 12: eyes!! In ep 4 the poem mentions smth about hearing right? AYO look at me makin connections Jared Keay (keye?) baybeeee. Beholding is a thing!

ep 15: I think theres an entity called The Dark but I'm not sure if im just making that up

ep 17: is it jorgen shitener or wtvr his name is again. IT IS!

ep 16: web time

ep 18: sus smells. Is it Eye time?

ep 19: oh!! this is connected to the other one! woah!

ep 21: this feels a lot like the cave diving one so far. was that a squish noise i heard at the end? worms? doesnt he have worm scars from whatever thing?

ep 22: martin voice reveal!! pogchamp! oh wow ok i knew the worms were gonna be somewhat important but not this important oh boy.

ep 23: oh god please no not the books. is this related to the graveyard thing from mist? jw 1279 (doesnt jw mean jehovah's witness) ffFUC KING KEAY

ep 29: i wonder if gerard keay (as ive learned his name is spelled) is one of those immortal death thingies. he does seem to show up a bunch but somehow i doubt it

ep 30: The Slaughter time? Meat! like the upstairs neighbor one!

ep 31: he mispronounced Appalachia >:( aw hell naw this is some Most Dangerous Game shit. this has The Slaughter vibes

ep 32: Prentiss oh boy. worms go brr. beholding is such a specific word i feel like i have to write it down ever time i hear it. spiders again. I still havent figured out which entity prentiss is related with. "you rob it of it's fear" "i dont know why the hive chose me" Is there an entity called the hive? i wouldnt be surprised but i cant remember hearing about it. Nicholas says worms are related to The Corruption

ep 33: "trying not to think about eachother" sean kelly o no re u gonna die. yeah im with jon on this one theres not rlly any supernatural stuff happening. probably they sacrificed him to keep something ? at bay (heh)

ep 34: i dont have to talk about how weird John Doe is right? v sus. The cracking noise is them giving themselves bones right. Apple? spiders? awww teeth i tried to call it. Teeth like the trash bag episode!

ep 35: passages: as in from a book? please no god not litener tell me it isnt so- GODDAMMIT OH WAIT JARED ITS HIM THAT LITTLE SHIT 13 passages + the one they came from. Weirdly wet, probably covered in blood. Bone! from the book that jared has! that's where he got his fuckner book. pages with web, figure in the darkness (anglerfish) stranger who means him harm, smth abt heat idk lightless flame go brr. eww the wormsss.

ep 36: buzzing? like in Hive? this sounds like a worms thing, perhaps the person who gave the statement got infected, thats why she was washing/ itching her hand? lighter?? hold on jared had one and the guy who got killed by the crime dude had one. spiderweb design go brr web go brr

interesting note cuz i cant remember which episode this came up in. In one of the past episodes tim was talking about some mistakes in the recordings. jon doesnt seem like the type of person to just not care about mistakes. he's gotten obsessed with these recordings like others get obsessed with the web etc

ep 37: They have the table? hmm... is this gonna be some fairy ring stuff. oh boy more burning. iron oh boy fae shit. milk bottle? this all sounds like witch shit i gotta be honest. rain water? yeah this feels like witchy things lol. dont tell me he opened one of the bottles. istg. he messed with some witch's spell jar and now he's cursed. is it a photo of his "predecessor" AYO IT ISS I CALLED IT

ep 38: books at lease we know they wont be involved but they couldve been. how come no one but jon ever calls the design a spiderweb? he has a migrane from the design? (idk if it is a guy but i always use he/him in my head cuz jon does) hopefully that means he wont be influenced? idk. oh dear a person is gonna disappear arent they. is david gonna go missing. is the speaker gonna go missing? spider oh no jon. oh no worms oh fuck

ep 39: oh dear this is quite unfortunate. LMAO he just asked if martin was a ghost im losing my shit. AYY TIM. fucking sasha is gonna get brainwashed by the web istg. I think that's a new voice but i cant tell im not v good at determining different voices. is it prentiss?

ep 40: "my eyes are up here but yknow, theyre not." LMAO how come those worms were slow (tim's statement) sasha sounds off. it's not her for sure. Is it like NotGraham? NotSasha? its funny she (gertrude) has such an ordinary death but that almost just causes more questions. If she didnt die due to a supernatural thing then it's something scarier, a person. (ayy me n jon said like the exact same thing) "they'll have to kill me first" oh god oh fuck foreshadowing

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unfortunatelyilikebnha · 4 years

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If you don’t stan Midoriya what are you DOING he is so GOOD the core of his character is just. CARING about every person he comes across & trying to HELP them even though most of the people he’s encountered before yuuei had been real nasty to him like he could’ve given up! He could’ve said “you’ve never cared about me so why should I care about you” & turned his back on the world, used his talents for himself or even become a villain (like. My dude has plenty of motive I don’t even think I’d blame him) but he DIDN’T he tries SO HARD he just wants to be able to help people!

“But he‘a a crybaby :/” And?!?! First of all being in touch with your emotions enough to cry isn’t a bad thing!!! Second of all he’s been through a lot and is constantly under so much pressure god forbid he cry a little bit!!

His idol crushed his dreams! & yet he didn’t harbor any ill will toward all might and he still acted & ended up helping save bakugou (& then got SCOLDED FOR IT WTF. Like the pro heroes were all like “you could’ve died!” but they weren’t doing anything!!! Bkg would be dead if Midoriya hadn’t intervened and he got YELLED AT FOR IT. the disrespect is astronomical). He cares about people so much even when they’ve given him nothing but reasons he SHOULDN’T care about them but because he’s so good (and stubborn lmao) he cares about them anyway!! If I was bullied for 10 years I sure as hell wouldn’t care about my bully but because Midoriya’s a literal angel he still does?!?! Like wtf. He’s just so good!

& the most irritating part is that because of aforementioned 10 years of bullying and being let down by everyone (even his mother which while Inko is a great mother & loves Izuku so much she did screw up by not believing in him) he has like no self worth and doesn’t realize how amazing he is?!? He breaks his bones CONSTANTLY bc he doesn’t care about the cost to himself as long as he can save other people he literally doesn’t rlly care if he dies like when he was being killed by muscular he was scared but his thoughts were “sorry Kota, sorry all might, sorry mom” he was more worried about “letting people down” than the fact he was dying!! He only stopped breaking his bones bc he was told that if he did it again he’d permanently damage his arms which would make it rlly hard for him to be a hero like he didn’t even consider using his quirk in other ways before then even when he was constantly in pain from shattering the hell out of his bones!! He was just like “it’s working I’m saving people who cares if I’m in immense pain every time I activate my quirk that’s fine” like holy sh*t kid please care about yourself more!! In the sports festival he broke the bones in his hand TWICE OVER for someone he’d hardly ever spoken to!! Like please PLEASE get some self worth you finally have real friends they can help you! You don’t have to do everything alone PLEASE let them help you!

Also he’s so smart?! Not just book smart (even though he scored fourth in the class on midterms so he’s obviously that too) but he’s super observant and has crazy analyses on ppls quirks and beyond quirk observation he’s really good at observing people too?! He analysed that the slime villain’s weak spot was probably its eyes & threw the backpack at it startling it enough that it temporarily retreated? He observed Bkg enough that he knew exactly how he’d act in the battle trial and devised a plan to help them win (which btw was NOT SAFE FOR HIM AT ALL & HE KNEW THAT & HE DIDNT CARE AS LONG AS HE COULD HELP THEIR TEAM WIN, another point re: last paragraph) & when he found out that Uraraka didn’t have anything that she could float to combat Iida with, he improvised by punching thru the building so that Uraraka had rubble she could use against Iida & he thought of that while in the middle of fighting Bakugou like!!! He! Is! So! Smart!!! He managed to hit the nail on the head about exactly what Todoroki needed to hear during their sports festival fight & made him remember that he could be his own kind of hero & that he wasn’t his father! He figured out the fake Uraraka wasn’t Uraraka at all just bc he KNOWS her and believes in her!!! He figured out some of mirio’s strategy while he was completely wiping the floor with the rest of 1a and so figured out where he’d pop up & tho he didn’t win that fight he did last longer than the rest of his class had! He figured out that he could use Eri’s quirk to CONTINUOUSLY SHATTER & HEAL HIS OWN BONES (again he has NO self preservation and I am sad for him) so that he could fight with 100% of his power and hold on to Eri without being rewound out of existence & traumatizing her further & ALSO TOLD HER THAT HER QUIRK IS A BLESSING! I haven’t rlly gotten farther than that in the anime and I don’t read the manga but I KNOW I’m forgetting things but POINT IS he’s really freaking smart which is another thing that makes him so interesting to watch!! Like how many characters do you know that r both really smart & really kind the stereotype seems to be one of the other but bc Midoriya’s awesome like that he’s both!!

ALSO something else I rlly like about him is that he’s kind and cares about people but when someone hurts a person he cares about he gets MAD & will do whatever he needs to do. He was scared of Bkg but when he implied Midoriya gave Uraraka her plan, he snapped at him & was like “it’s her plan not mine you better respect her strength she did this not me!” He was also scared of End**v*r (I don’t blame him! The guy’s freakishly tall, literally covered in fire, and always angry!) but as soon as he insinuated Todoroki was just his pawn or smth Midoriya TOLD HIM OFF he was like “Todoroki’s not you also f*ck you I hate you” (ok the last part is a lil exaggerated but still). When muscular was threatening Kota? He went FERAL & used 1,000,000% of his power (which. How tf is that even possible but I digress good for you Midoriya ily) to beat him just so this little kid (who literally punched him in the balls earlier) wouldn’t die like he was MAD mad. And when he found out what Ov*rh**l was doing to Eri? I thought I’d seen feral before but HOLY SH*T. He literally tried to KILL HIM (good for Midoriya. Child abusers & transphobes have no f*cking rights) he tried to stab him with that sharp piece of rock & THEN he did 100% full cowling with that absolutely chilling expression like he’s so kind but there was NO trace of kindness on his face while he was fighting Ov*rh**l (good he doesn’t deserve it).

ANYWAYS ALL THIS TO SAY Midoriya is so smart and so strong and so genuinely kind & I love him & I wish he’d love himself bc he deserves it! I’m glad 1a cares abt him so much bc it’s!!! What!!! He!!! Deserves!!! Stan Midoriya ok rant over bye

Edit: ok wait rant not QUITE over I’ve got one more thing: with Uraraka’s help he took a childhood nickname that he always HATED (like he specifically says that in the story don’t y’all try to downplay how much it hurt him) & completely changed the meaning. He even made it his HERO NAME he was like “this isn’t gonna hurt me anymore I’ll make it into something I can be proud of” and like. Even tho I don’t like the nickname and refuse to refer to Midoriya with it unless I’m specifically talking about his hero persona, THE POWER THAT HAS. Once he realized that he wasn’t alone anymore he just DECIDED to take something that had hurt him in the past & turn it not something that could comfort people in the future (bc we KNOW that he’s gonna b the no 1 hero & ppl r gonna be comforted at hearing he’s on the scene). He did that. I’m so proud of him.

#this is probably similar to other midoriya stan posts so I’m sorry abt that but i just love him & wanted to express that #its been said before but ill say it again bc he deserves it!!#midoriya izuku #bnha

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infinite-inferno · 4 years

Text

Who Cares?

Fandom: Jacksepticeye

Characters: Chase Brody, Doctor Henrik von Schneeplestein, Marvin the Magnificent, Jackieboy Man, Jameson Jackson, Antisepticeye

Content warning: a lot of mentions of depression, addiction, alcoholism, suicide mentions, suicidal thoughts

If I wasn’t on mobile I’d use the zalgo text for anti so instead it’s bolded

[[MORE]]

As soon as Chase closed the door to his bedroom he flopped onto the bed, his smiling and laughing expression he wore seconds ago with his family immediately replaced by a somber one. He took long, deep breaths, having a staring contest with the ceiling (it of course won). After... well he couldn’t tell how long he laid like that - time seemed to slow and drag on forever but also go way too fast - he spoke so softly to himself that he barely heard himself speak. “Am I really depressed? Or is it just that I’m reminding myself that I’m supposed to be sad? I was just out there with everyone for hours and wasn’t sad at all. Am I just faking it?” A lone tear escaped from his eye and he didn’t bother to wipe it away.

He heard his phone vibrate, but didn’t bother to check it. The only person that would be calling him is his therapist’s office, attempting to confirm a meeting he already planned on skipping. He went to one to humor Jackie, and of course he had to schedule another visit, but the whole time he knew that he wasn’t going back. He would just be wasting his therapists time, and taking up space for people who really needed therapy.

His room wasn’t far from the room where all the other egos were still gathered - he told the others that he was going to his room to plan the next bro average video (which he really should be doing anyway) - and he could faintly hear some conversations. From what he could piece together, they started playing Cards Against Humanity and somehow Jameson was winning, even though he didn’t understand most of the cards. He could tell that they were having a lot of fun - a lot of fun without him.

“Would anyone even care if I-“ he spoke, again, barely audible (he wondered if he even vocalized the words, or if they halted in his head). He had to stop himself short, not daring to finish the thought. “Chase you idiot, you already tried to do it and you know what outcomes you would get. Doc would blame himself if he couldn’t save you, Marvin would lock himself away in his room and refuse to come out, Jackie would take out all his emotions on fighting villains that were unbeatable, at least in his headspace, and Jamie would...” he trailed off, biting his lip. “That’s right... he wasn’t even here when I did it...” Chase blinked and violently shook his head. “PMA Chase... PMA... PMA... PM- ya know they can shove that up their arse. I need a fucking drink is what I need not some positivity bullshit,” he grumbled, going back to further examine his closet. There had to be something...

Huffing, he picked up a pair of shoes, put his hat back on his head, and wiped any evidence of tears off his face before walking out of his room. He took a deep breath right before he got to the room where all the egos were gathered - he was right about his guesses as to their activity - and strode to the door. Jackie looked up from the game as Chase walked past to get his coat. “Hey Chase, what’s up? Where’re ya going?” He sensed something off about him (but it could’ve just been paranoia) and needed to make sure nothing happened to any of his brothers.

Chase blinked. He didn’t expect any of them to notice and now all of them were staring at him and- ‘deep breaths’ he thought to himself. “I’m just... going for a walk. I’m stuck on trying to find a new idea and... need to clear my head.”

If Jackie still had his doubts, he kept them to himself. “You have your phone on you right?”

Chase held up his phone as evidence, giving a “yup” in response. With that, he walked out the front door. “Of fucking course it’s raining,” he muttered, heading towards one of the bars in town. He knew better than to try any of the ones close to the house, as they knew him and wouldn’t contribute to his addiction. Finally, he ended up at one that he didn’t even know existed, and figured it was worth a shot. He walked up to the bar and sat on the stool, surveying his options, pupils dilating by simply looking at the bottles. He told the bartender to “keep em coming until I’m so plastered I’m falling off the chair.”

The bartender eyed him, as it was 4:30 pm on a Tuesday, but didn’t question it, besides offering a “rough day?”

Chase nodded to that, “I guess you could call it that.”

The bartender handed him his drink. “If you want to just drink your cares away, go ahead. But if you want an ear then I’ll be here.”

Chase took a long swig, then registered what the bartender was saying, growling slightly. “I don’t need fucking therapy.” He finished his drink and felt his phone buzz in his pocket.

Baby Bean: “Hello Chase, it’s Jameson. Please do let us know when you will be returning. Marvin wants to know when he should begin making dinner, as he does not want your food to get cold, although given his history, you might be better off eating while you are out! 😆 I also should tell you that, while I do not know for certain, I think that some of the others are fearing that you are out getting bent, but if you say you’re just going for a walk, then I believe you! ☺️💚 Have a swell rest of your stroll!”

Chase sighed, grabbing the phone with his other hand. ‘What do I even say to this?’

“uh idk when i’ll be back. tell marv not to worry about me and not to burn the place down. also ty jj it means a lot that u trust me like that. i just wish the others would too” he deleted the last sentence, not wanting his brothers to feel guilty over not trusting him, especially when they had every right to be doubtful - considering he was actually at a bar. It also hurt to see that Jameson trusted him, because that meant he was betraying his trust, and he drank another glass at the thought.

About 20 minutes later, he felt his phone vibrate again. Judging by how it was many texts all at once, he assumed it was Marvin before he even pulled out his phone.

Magic Man: “Hey”

Magic Man: “I’m making dinner rn”

Magic Man: “It’s mac and cheese and whatever frozen chicken we have”

Magic Man: “Jamie said u were taking a longer walk but like it’s raining out and I don’t want u to get sick”

Magic Man: “Plz respond Chase”

Magic Man: “U there?”

“yo chill marv”

“i stepped inside a store to get out of the rain”

Magic Man: “Do u want one of us to pick u up??”

Magic Man: “If u lmk wya I can teleport to u”

Magic Man: “Or I’m sure Hen or Jackie would drive to get u if u just wanted to drive back”

Magic Man: “Ik how u feel abt teleporting”

Chase bit his lip before downing another glass. He forgot exactly what he was drinking, but it was alcohol and that’s all he cared about. He didn’t want to tell them that he was at a bar, not even thinking about how anyone could see or smell that he was drunk from a block away. He got another drink and almost forgot to respond before another message came through.

Magic Man: “Chase?”

Magic Man: “Plz just tell me where u r so we can pick u up”

“what so u can make fun of me??? nope i’ll b home later. i’m gonna stay here a bit longer then WALK home”

Chase put his phone away, not wanting to see Marvin’s response and just wanting to see more alcohol in his hands.

It was probably about an hour later when the bartender finally cut him off. He said that he was told to stop him when he looked like he was going to fall out of the chair and so the bartender wasn’t going to let him have any more. Plus his boss would be pissed if he let Chase leave any more intoxicated than he already was.

Chase stormed out of the bar and back into the rain before realizing he had no idea where we was. He looked around and tried to find something familiar but came up with absolutely nothing. He started walking in one direction, but it felt wrong, so he started in the opposite direction, which also felt wrong. So, he did what anyone else in his situation would do - he cried in the rain on the sidewalk of a basically empty street. After he felt he cried all he could, he looked at his notifications.

Baby Bean: 2 unread messages

Ze Best Doctah: 1 unread message

Magic Man: 13 unread messages, 2 missed calls

Spider-Man 2.0: 7 unread messages, 5 missed calls

Turtle: 1 unread message

“Shit.” Chase mumbled, scanning through the messages.

Baby Bean: “Hello Chase, Jameson again! 😊 You haven’t responded to anyone and we are all very worried about you. I’m hoping that your cellular device simply ran out of charge, but Jackie is informing me that when he tries to call you it would not ring as long as it is if your device has run out of battery.”

Baby Bean: “Chase, it’s Jameson. Where are you? I am getting increasingly worried for your safety, as is everyone else. Please respond to one of us.”

Ze Best Doctah: “Chase are you alright? You are scaring all of us. Do you need help? Or a ride? Marvin said you would not tell him where you were. I am praying you are not at a bar but right now I don’t know what to think. I trusted you would be smart and safe but now I’m not sure if you were either. Please call one of us when you see this.”

Magic Man: “Chase y do u think I would make fun of u?”

Magic Man: “R u ok?”

Magic Man: “R u mad at me?”

Magic Man: “Chase plz answer someone”

Magic Man: “If I said smth I’m sry”

Magic Man: “Just plz come home”

Magic Man: “Chase?”

Magic Man: “Ur dinner is getting cold WHERE ARE YOU”

Magic Man: “If u put on dnd I’ll b pissed”

Missed call from Magic Man

Magic Man: “Chase I stg if ur at a bar rn imma fucking deck u”

Magic Man: “No actually I’ll let Jackie do that”

Missed call from Magic Man

Magic Man: “Pick up ur damn phone Brody!!”

Magic Man: “Where tf r u????!!!!”

Spider-Man 2.0: “where did you go chase???????”

Spider-Man 2.0: “I thought you were just going on a walk”

Spider-Man 2.0: “THIS IS A VERY LONG WALK ITS BEEN HOURS”

Missed call from Spider-Man 2.0

Spider-Man 2.0: “if I have to save your ass from something or someone”

2 missed calls from Spider-Man 2.0

Spider-Man 2.0: “this isn’t funny chase”

Spider-Man 2.0: “I’m really fucking worried about you

2 missed calls from Spider-Man 2.0

Spider-Man 2.0: “CHASE I SWEAR IF YOU DONT PICK UP YOUR PHONE IM COMING TO LOOK FOR YOU”

Turtle: “Brody get your ass home RIGHT NOW!”

Chase weighed his options between who seemed the least pissed at him. Marvin and Jackieboy were obviously out. He didn’t particularly want to call Anti either. That left Henrik and Jameson. He went to the contact and pressed the call button. It barely rang before it was picked up.

“CHASE!! VERE ZEE FUCK HAFFE VOU BEEN??” Henrik shouted, his accent the thickest Chase has ever heard it, barely understandable in his drunken haze

“I’m sorry Hen” he slurred

“Chase vere are vou? Are vou fucking betrunken?!”

“Hen, Hen what? I-I don’t know what... what you’re saying.”

“HES ASKING IF YOU’RE DRUNK ASSHOLE!” Jackie shouted. “You’re on speakerphone you dick!”

Chase couldn’t see it but Jameson was trying to tell Jackie to calm down.

“OH FUCK NO THIS IS AS CALM AS I’LL BE JAMIE!”

Chase sat down on the sidewalk, leaning against a building. “I’m not fucking drunk,” he slurred

“Tell that to your voice.” Marvin piped up.

“Fiiiiiiiineeeeee mayyybeee I had a drink or few. Happy?”

“How many is ein few?”

Chase snorted and started laughing like that was just the funniest thing ever. “Fuck if I know, I wasn’t counting.”

“Chase where are you?” The static behind the phone let him know it was Anti and he whimpered.

“You’ll be mad at me...”

“WE’RE ALREADY MAD AT YOU DIPSHIT!” Jackie yelled. Henrik left the phone on the table while he grabbed his shoes and a jacket, figuring that because Chase called him, he should be the one to get him.

Chase suddenly got quiet. “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Marvin furrowed his eyebrows.

“I mean I’m lost... that’s why I called... I was at a bar, then tried to walk home and got lost.”

There was silence for a little while. Marvin suddenly stepped towards an open area of floor and started mumbling a spell. “He’s on the corner of Center Street and Behmer Drive. A block down from a bar.” Henrik nodded, grabbing his phone and getting into the car.

“Chase stay on ze phone ja?”

“Okayyyy.” Chase yawned. “Hen I’m tired.”

“Vell I vill not carry vou in so vou need to stay avake”

“But I’m sleepyyyyyyy” Henrik sighed, driving as fast as he could without getting arrested until he saw a familiar figure all the while trying to keep said person awake. He pulled over and got out of the car. Chase stood up, but he stood up too quickly and vomited, luckily for him none of it got on Henrik. As soon as he was done, he was ushered into the car.

“I von’t um... vhat is that expression? Chew vou out now, vou vill certainly get enough shit vrom Jackieboy and Marvin.”

“Thank you,” Chase mumbled, the heat of the car feeling nice on his cold wet body.

“Und vour hangover und sickness vill be more zan enough punishment tomorrow.”

“I’m real sorry Hen.”

“Zat is vhat vou zaid last time. Und vou did it again. Vou must earn mein trust back Chase. Jamie’s too. Und vou vill be lucky if ze ozers trust vou again soon.” All of a sudden, Chase broke into sobs. He thought he didn’t have anymore tears left in him, but apparently he was wrong.

“Please don’t make me see them Hen... I’m just so weak and pathetic and you all are important. All I have is... is... I’m just useless. What have I ever been besides a nuisance? With all my whining about Stacy, over reacting to a couple sad days and calling it depression, my-my bad habits and self destructive tendencies... I’m surprised you all still keep me around,” Chase’s whole body shook with his sobs.

There was a lot to unpack there and Henrik had no clue where to start. He pulled into the driveway and put the car in park, turning to face Chase. “Chase... how long have vou been feeling like zis?”

He just shrugged. “I dunno... a while now, maybe a year or so?”

“Vhy didn’t vou say anyzing?”

“I was scared you would realize your mistake and kick me out.” He mumbled. It was quiet, but Henrik heard it loud and clear.

“Ve vould never dream of it Chase. Vou are far from useless-“

“Oh yeah? Name one thing that I’ve done that actually helped!”

Henrik went silent as his brain tried to think of a good example that wasn’t easily written off because he knew that anything he said would be torn to bits anyway.

“Thought so.” Chase shook his head. “I actually thought you were gonna say something too. Guess I can add moron to the list.”

“Chase stop-“

“Oh look, I’m being a bother yet again. Shocking.” He got out of the car, slamming the door, puked in the grass, then went inside, ready to be reminded yet again of how weak and pathetic he was.

The second he opened the door was the second the yelling began. He didn’t even bother protesting because they were all right. He screwed up, could’ve died, worried them all.

“Do you have ANY idea how scared we were?! I thought I was going to get a call from a hospital that you were hurt or DEAD! We all were so worried-“

“I DIDN’T ASK YOU TO CARE!” Chase snapped.

“WELL SCREW YOU TOO! I’m your brother!” Jackie fired right back.

‘Ok I think that’s enough’ Jameson tried to intervene, but of course, nobody was paying attention to him. Well, nobody except one person who did happen to notice. Anti stepped in between the two.

“That is enough.” His voice caused everyone to stop yelling, Jameson signing a small thank you towards him. “It seems like Chase has already berated himself over and over, haven’t you? I’m not inside your head, chill out, but you’re fucking screaming it with your body language. You seem to forget that you all can’t hide anything from me. And, I can assure you Chase, you aren’t faking anything, and we all would care.

“Don’t you see? Look around you Brody! Jackieboy is yelling at you because he was scared, and cares so damn much about you. Marvin had so much anxious energy that while he was pacing he started to fucking glow. Yes Marvin, I saw that. Jameson wasn’t signing anything, he just retreated into his mind again, like he always does when he’s worried. Henrik was prepping his work station just in case you came home half dead and was shaking so much he dropped half his equipment. And I-” Anti took a deep breath “I was glitching so much I disappeared for a little bit, just static filling my place. I’m still glitching a lot, and it is taking all of my energy to stay present enough to knock some sense into your drunken mind! We care about you because we all have no idea what we would do without you here!” He balled his hands into fists, and stared down Chase, watching him deflate even more than he already was. He shook his head, retreating to his room where he resumed his excessive glitching.

Jameson was the first one to recover. ‘Chase? What did Anti mean about “you aren’t faking anything, and we all would care”?’ When he was met with a blank stare, he sighed and looked to one of the others to translate. Marvin was the one to interpret for Chase.

“I... I had it in my head that... that I was just faking my depression... that I was just sad a bit. And that... that nobody would care if I... if I... tried again.” Everyone in the room but Jameson understood, and Jameson wasn’t quite sure if he wanted to know. His mind supplied an answer and he didn’t like it. Jackie was the one to walk over to Chase and engulf him in a hug. The rest soon followed, and Chase began to cry again into Jackie’s shoulder. After a while they one by one let go, and Chase looked between them all before going to his room and passing out on his bed.

#who cares #kaiden writes #my fanfic #jacksepticeye #chase brody #henrik von schneeplestein #marvin the magnificent #jackieboy man #jameson jackson #antisepticeye #angst #depression #alcoholism #addiction #suicide mention #suicidal thoughts #yall im not dead

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alukaforyou · 4 years

Text

and ALSO sry to post bs on main im mostly just talking to myself in my personal tag half the time so yolo, no need to respond to this or reassure me or whatever but these days i licherally question how much of my - sry to sound like a broken record - bs is dépression or just my shité mentality, like i rly was not designed to last, huh? physically or mentally? lol. like who gets motion sickness on swings lmao anyways. i think i give up too easily. theres a bunch of reasons y but i dont feel like saying. its a different thing to kind of kno something, and to admit / speak it (confront it). i could psychoanalyze myself all day and tell u exactly why some things are the way they are but its too unpleasant to neatly state stuff like that u kno?? like... *i kno* but im not gonna say i kno. anywho, i digress. so i give up easily and kind of have a defeatist mentality too, its so exhausting lool. actually its weird cuz duality of man, i'll be rly determined / stubborn abt doing some stuff and not care abt fear of failure with certain things but when it comes to My Life / My Future i just think i cant rly do anything? i mean that literally like i got no skillz *laugh crying emoji* not particularly good at anything, and art - the only thing im maybe arguably ok at - i dont wanna do as a career, that is art therapy for me i dont feel like commercializing it. not interested in working in my major, maybe things wouldve been different if i went to culinary or cosmetology school?? that sounds fun. or if i majored in bio cuz i was so good at that, or even if i majored in japanese language or literature or idk. but no regrets tho cuz i learned a lot abt drawing in art school which i can use for myself. and hmm i like staying home and not rly going out of my way to meet new ppl so connections what? i h8 hearing how most opportunities come through the ppl u kno cuz its true and ik like 10 ppl tops so hm very sexi of me :^) i just feel like im p much f*cked and it rly doesnt help that i have no functional dreams, goals, or aspirations nor the confidence and drive to work towards anything so ah ok cool. u kno suga's songs "the last" and "so far away" ? that p much sums up my feels minus the part abt having to deal w fame obviously LOL. its so easy being a student (for me at least) but being a good student isnt really worth a whole lot in the """""real world""""" and the current education system doesnt even rly prepare u for reality or w.e like Deep Sigh also the political climate rly lookin like shité out there like hmmmmm do i even wanna try so hard to be here anymore tho??? also going back to the self confidence thing, ya idk her LOOOOL like it doesnt very much bother me tho? i really, honest to god have no idea what my redeeming qualities even are. being nice? and my mindset re - tolerance and compassion for others, etc, ya im rly proud of that actually but besides that i mean like what can i Do tho like hm im not particularly good at anything also im hideous like uglee but thats ok too like none of this Bothers me, thats just literally how i Am so ok fine, but i feel like it makes it hard for me to exist in the world i happen to be in??? and i realize im speaking with a huge bias here cuz my brain is totally out of whack im p sure if some1 saw me / read this they would lit be like um u literally do not have it hard girl, which is fair ur kinda right actually from an objective pov, probably? its amazing how um. hard? of a time my brain is having given my relatively ok circumstances but thats just how it is ig. and if i may quote shakespeare - o full of scorpions is my mind. and its weird cuz duality of man - i actually have a lot of good times w friends and whatever i have a lot of fun, im not even very Sad or in Agony its all very a mild? sensation? but that might be because my plan b is to simply *** so nothing rly fazes me anymore lool.

its usually a v confusing emotion, im either feeling happy, or if not that, very ???? im literally that duwang quote get a feeling so complicated its just "ajdjsjsja" idk its not overly repulsive and upsetting im like :s LOL u kno wat at this point idek what im even saying anymore but its good that im writing whatever cuz im gonna need to look back on this later and organize my thoughts for presentation cuz remember i have a s.o now???? i wanna let them kno so we r on the same page, and i dont feel like im tricking them, i thought it over more and there are like 4? major cards i wanna lay out on the table early on and they are 1. im not that close w my family emotionally so do not seek their approval or expect to deal with them much. 2. personal ideology / political views like im bi lmao and pro lgbt if that wasnt obvious also i dont rly wanna be around racists / terfs etc and if ur right wing or not on that respect women juice uhhh bye.. 3. my weak ass mentality how i might Maybe *** in the future like no promise but errrr theres one more but its a little more negotiable and also too early to discuss so i wont mention it but i already got the first two outta the way so ya. theres the most troublesome of all, #3. the last thing i wanna do is traumatize someone that loves me (and i love back) with that kinda thing, its too late for my dear friends whom i love, sorry i didnt kno i was gonna be like this LOL yall already got attached but its a little different with my s.o cuz i feel like its not too late to uh.... stop getting as attached LMAO like dam i've known my girls for almost 10 years whereas i've only known my s.o for like a month.

and this is totally not gonna come across right but if my s.o very understandably desides to dump me id be SO RELIEVED LIKE WOOOO ok cool cuz like essentially what i'd be saying is you are getting attached to someone who's future is not as stable as other people, including u. *huge exhale* from the bottom of my heart, my bad lol. and then i probs wont ever get involved w. a s.o again, sorry to reference snk in 2020 but remember how e*win smith is single cuz he doesnt kno when he will ***? big mood. i have never acted out on my interests before but i was like ok for once lets go off the shits and do smth ooc, i uh... didnt expect for it to actually go anywhere tho so now im like ???? i shouldve thought it through more tho, like i felt low key irresponsible af and selfish and dumb for getting involved w. someone even tho i Know how I Am like...... Also i just lov being single and staying home and chilling alone lmao like i seriously...... never get loney....

ok so what was i talking abt? how the passage of time makes me nervous cuz idk how i can manage to keep up w it??? how i feel like i cant do jack shit???? that life is hard???? and maybe a bih just wants to rest? permanently?????? i think the most irritating part of all for me, like what i am most mad about at myself is that i have no dream. yikes. naruto, do u think thats sad? well yoongi said its okay, and what counts is just being happy, so i will console myself and forgive her and idk just try my best for the time being??

#.txt

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toastsnaffler · 1 year

Text

man. getting a little sick of being everyones 15th option for everything. when is it my turn to be someone's first choice :^[

#or even second tbh I'll take it #i had a couple old friends from college msg me recently to tell me what theyve been up to #which is sweet and i care abt them n wanna hear it! but they dont ask after me or show any interest in how I'm doing #and it makes me feel like I'm just their journal or smth. a brick wall they happen to be standing near #don't get me wrong I love to be useful. but when ppl only ever interact w u bc they need smth from u. well.#rly not doing anything good for this complex im developing where my self worth is directly tied to my usefulness to other ppl lmfao #i dont want to be ppls fucking dog!! or not any more than i already am but whatever thats all im good for i guess!!#and i desperately want someone to be my fave person rn bc all my energy is going nowhere + im at my best when im at my most devoted #so ppl treating me like this rn is just making me incredibly vulnerable to being taken advantage of.#like yeah i am eager to please and ill follow anyone around and do whatever for a crumb of attention but maybe #if you're actually my friend u shouldnt be encouraging that behaviour. even if it makes u feel good like cmon thats not so cool man #or if you ARE going to encourage it then maybe u should acknowledge the power dynamic ur creating + try not to abuse it. idk 🤷‍♂️#urgh idk maybe im just saying words rn im very tired #I just feel like all the friendships etc I have atm are slipping into that dangerously unbalanced zone + becoming v one way #and I don't know what I'm doing wrong I'm trying the best I can and I guess its just not enough for anyone and that really really sucks #I'm doing better mentally rn but I dont currently have a support system + there are a lot of destabilising forces in my life #so im just. worried abt the direction things could take if I lose this foothold I've dragged myself onto yknow.#and I wouldnt have to be so worried abt that all of the time if I just had someone literally anyone I could rely on or even trust #but oh well. it is what it is. doing all I can to take care of myself so hopefully it won't come to that anyway.#sorry for rambling on so much if u read this far I'm giving u a kiss on the cheek don't worry abt me honey I've got this #anywayy goodnight #.vent #.diaries

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notesofarichlycolorednight · 6 years

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Hi! How do you think Luke's personality would be if he survived, and how would it change during the years? I'm not talking about the campers' reactions,but how Luke would think and act.

hello hello!

oh man, that’s an interesting question and i LOVE IT

so by the wording of your question, it sounds like if the titan war still happened, but luke somehow survived after getting rid of kronos, how he might change in the yrs following

and so, hcs!! in bullet-form!! as always under a cut

so he luke miraculously survives hitting his achilles’ heel

and let’s pretend the gods are a sliver decent and actually fulfill percy’s wish/reward, which now includes luke since he’s alive, and did help save the gods in the end

so he’s not exactly punished, but he is being monitored heavily, almost like he’s on parole or smth

i know it’s hard to believe they’d completely let him off, even in this au, so i’ll throw in a magical ankle bracelet that monitors him–he can’t take it off (without the gods being alerted), or go outside of nyc’s five boroughs, which includes into any magical realms (like the underworld, since there’s an entrance in central park)

if he heads into areas that have high demigod activity/magical auras, with chb as the exception, it alerts whoever now has the task of monitoring him to keep a closer eye on him for that time he’s there

suspicious activity is flagged, and they can recall him to mt olympus and detain him at any time if they think that he’s becoming a danger to the gods again

speaking of chb, i don’t think he’d be able to stay there after the titan war, too many painful memories–too many ppl who hate him, or don’t trust him, etc.

it’s hard to say what his and annabeth’s relationship would be. as i’ve said in a previous ask, i think luke was asking if annabeth still considered him family, and she does. but i think luke would be too guilt-ridden to interact with her at first

not to mention that percy is v protective, and while they may have had a tender moment abt not letting all that happen again, i think percy would have a hard time trusting him

thalia’s now with the hunters, and has clearly shown what she thinks of luke’s betrayal, so that’s no good either

i think grover would be more open to luke, but luke would probably avoid him like he avoid annabeth bc of the guilt. and grover’s a busy satyr now, so that doesn’t help

so basically anyone he considered close to him in childhood is on shaky ground and he’s not sure what to do abt that, bc demigods are only taught abt fighting and battle, instead of that and emotional and psychological health wheeeeeee

since he can’t leave nyc, he finds like a hostel or smth to stay in while he figures shit out and tries to get back on his feet

he’s suffering p heavily from ptsd and still has terrible nightmares abt kronos and being possessed by kronos, which doesn’t help

he can’t hold a steady job bc he only knows how to fight and has no social skills whatsoever, so he becomes some low-level conman to make some income

he still hates his father, so it’s hard to acknowledge that his father’s skills are helping hi survive right now, as much as he’d like to believe that he’s surviving all on his own

at some point, he tries to con one of the demigods who’ve made it without chb (a demigod whose parent is a minor god). thankfully, they’re nice abt it and introduce him to a demigod underworld, so to speak

i wouldn’t say it’s as sinister as our criminal underworld–it’s really more of a society of demigods who were forgotten (unclaimed kids) or never made it to camp (children of minor gods), but found a way to survive with little to no training from camp, despite the monsters and technology

luke is suddently introduced to a whole new world, and that’s when his life really starts moving forward again

these demigods are angry and bitter, yeah, but they take that and turn it into motivation to live and thrive–basically living bc of spite. fuck the gods, fuck my parents, i’ll show them i don’t need them or chb

(like rick has this weird thing abt writing kids who say that, but then talk abt how much they want their godly parent’s approval. or to prove that they’re worth of their godly parent’s attention. and like i get why, but that’s not true for everyone??? having been adopted, i come from a perspective of, yeah, i am a little curious abt who my biological parents are, but i’m not dying to reunite with them or anything bc i don’t need to??? i have everything i need right here–a loving mom, and awesome friends, who i would consider family. even if i did want to know who they were, their approval of who i am now doesn’t matter to me. i don’t need to prove anything to them, nor should i need to for their attention. like that’s shitty to expect that from your child, and a horribly mindset to instill in a child)

and so i imagine it’s the same for a lot of demigods, too /tangent

anyway, so i’d like to think that this society is pretty structured–it’s a mish-mash of kids of major gods who were never claimed and of minor gods. some do resort to criminal activity, others work minimum wage jobs, and still others who are making higher than minimum wage, with some even making six figures ya know. basically they still function within the larger mortal society, but they’re also part of this hidden demigod society, you feel?

but they always take in demigods who could use some help out in the real world, regardless of who their parents are and whether or not they’ve been claimed/lived at chb

hephaestus kids have built a closed-circuit network that makes tech safer for them to use, and it also helps them communicate with each other as well as any mortal they make friends with, etc.

and their secret society is hidden within a company (kinda like how the three roman emperors hid themselves within a company, except without the evil part), and it’s v socialist–so they do what they can to help those who don’t have anything, until they can get back on their feet, and then put back into the society and help others

so luke is introduced to this hidden world within the mortal one of new york

i’d like to think he’s p instantly recognizable (to most, not all), but they don’t hold any grudges or bitterness like those at chb to bc they understand that he was fighting for them, even if he was going abt it the wrong way

some put him on a pedestal (he’s the face of our hidden society or he could take up the company or smth), but another kid of hermes comes along and shows him the ropes, not expecting anything from him

they get him therapy to work on his anger issues as well as his ptsd, and he slowly learns social skills

there are two large apt buildings that the company owns that only house demigods (but not all the demigods who are part of this society), and they find him a small one bed/one bath apartment to live in

as he gets better, he stops resorting to criminal activity and finds a steady job working at a tech company, bc he doesn’t have to interact with ppl like in retail, and when he does, its coworkers who think the same as he does

i also like to think he starts mend those relationships he lost with annabeth and grover. thalia’s a little harder to reach, but once he starts communicating with annabeth more, annabeth tells thalia abt his progress, and thalia sneaks away to visit him on occasion

it’s rough at first, as it always is, bc he did a lot of bad things and hurt a lot of ppl

but he apologizes to all of them–annabeth, grover, thalia, and even percy

they start to hang out occasionally, and luke almost become a mentor to percy again

(we’re kinda ignoring hoo rn for luke’s mental health, but percy most definitely talks to luke abt how he can see where luke was coming from during the second titan war after that whole prophecy nightmare)

eventually, they become friends, even family

he’s happy to hear that the camp is expanding, allowing minor demigods; the hermes cabin is far less crowded

but luke still holds a lot of anger and bitterness. even living within this secret society, it’s yet another symptom of the gods’ lack of caring (like the crowded hermes cabin)

even with percy’s request and the expanding camp, luke still hears of demigods joining their society, which is a little disheartening if only bc it still represents the gods’ lack of caring

with the help of therapy, tho, he’s learning to channel is anger into smth productive

instead of trying to raise evil entities, he throws himself into the business that their society is hidden in. he wants to know all the inner workings of both the demigod and mortal side bc he wants to help as many demigods he can

bc in the end, he’s still a scared, lost little nine year old boy who just wants someone to be there for other demigods since no one was there for him

oh and speaking of, he finds the courage to visit him mom again! annabeth goes with him, since he’s still working through all that shit with his therapist (and lbr, that’s smth that someone might never work through, just learn to cope with)

i wouldn’t say he visits her often, but he spends some of his income and hires a caregiver to help around the house, but also to take care of may. since the prophecy has been fulfilled, her visions aren’t as bad, and she doesn’t have so many spells, but her mind is still quite lost bc the curse is still there

eventually, luke works his way up the ranks of the company bc he sees the good that this society is doing, and wants to be a part of that. he can finally help these demigods that doesn’t involve destroying the world

he starts to visit camp a little, but usually only talks with chiron abt the changes that they could make to the camp to better help the kids there. the whole place, tho, still holds a lot of painful memories that luke would just rather forget. so he doesn’t go often

it’s a long, long process and luke stays in therapy indefinitely, but the work he’s doing with the company, and the demigods he interacts with on a daily basis help him a lot

he slowly heals, and mends fences, as well as makes new friends and bonds

he never truly lets go of his anger and bitterness, and for the most part he just kinda ignores the gods. remembering what he did during the titan war still haunts him, but he uses those memories as a reminder and promises to never do anything like that again

and this time he keeps his promise!

*sniffles* look at my bby boy growing up and healing.

despite liking white collar!luke (which i could see this so easily sprouting from your initial question), i wanted to take this in a different route and really delve into his healing process bc it’s like a salve to my soul. it’s so easy to ignore emotional and psychological health, but for anyone it’s so, so important to address those issues and work through them ya know?

like i advocate for mental health and stability! as well as emotional healing, esp for men bc it breaks down that toxic masculinity. and toxic masculinity often does lead to expressions of anger and violence in men in our society

i could probably say more, but i’ll leave it there for now. it feels like a good stopping point. hmu if you’d like to hear more specifics abt anything within this au!! i’d be happy to write more abt this au :D

thanks for sending this in, anon!!

#oh god for shame! i do not even know your name #notesofananonymousnight #asked and answered #luke castellan #pjo hcs #pjo au

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jooheongif · 6 years

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it's theory anon,hi!!how are YOU?i'm really good rn thanks:)) thank you for your kindness again,i'm really happy i could somehow help to help you feel even a tiny bit better and hope you're doing well now,too(and it's ok to not rest on your day off but it's also ok to do so if that's what you feel is right for you atm!).about the mf(ilm), i thought the same thing, it felt like a parallel universe type of story!i also really love plotlines about friendship, (again cont.i'll try to be briefer!)

(i’m so sorry i wrote a rly long reply so i’m gonna put this under read more !!)

2. friendship is beautiful and i feel oftentimes underappreciated(but not mx!there they go again being amazing) so i love the concept. personally i like not knowing what exactly the producers were thinking because having my own interpretation of something and seeing other ppl have their own fills me with wonder,like,that's art!so many people think so many different things and no one's wrong i love it!!your thoughts about them appreciating everything they've done so far,you're absolutely right(cont) 3. i hope they are able to bc everything's so hectic for the.i get lost just looking at their official schedule,i don't know how they do it but i also hope they are aware of all these things bc those are all mindblowingly huge accomplishments in my opinion and i just want them to feel like their hard work is worth it,yknow?(is this comprehensible?)and i know they feel pressure because as you said the business is nasty but yea i hope at the end of the day they can feel like (cont.???again 4. everything they've put so much of themselves into is worth it,i love their energy and fierce determination and i just don't want them to lose it but maybe as you said feel less pressured..but then the only way would realistically be to make sure they get awarded in the Real World so we're all doing our best in the system&hating it as you said:/ they just mean so much to so many people i want them to feel that too!i try to contain myself but here i go again! sorry it's so long AND i have more(con 5. also!thank you for your big reply and sharing your thoughts i mostly just agreed with (but you're right so what else can i do),i don't have mbb friends to vent to and fanperson(is there a gender neutral term for fanboy/fangirl?) over mx with and this is really nice and fulfilling(again,if i'm boring you,you can just delete the messages and not reply!) so THANKS!it's great to strive to be a better person but i feel like one(you) should also acknowledge the good things they're already doing(cont?) 6. you showed such pure kindness and really melted someone's(my) heart and that's a Big Deal!djkghddgwe can agree that we both inspired each other :') also please i feel like you're such a wonderful soul and you really deserve every bit of gratitude and appreciation i managed to express(i feel a lot moreprobably) so!yeah!reminder that you're lovely and deserve to be appreciated and i'm also very,very happy you're here!you made my day brighter for the 2nd time now wow!thanks! i hope you and(cont.:() 7. your gorgeous heart are taking good care and enjoying your day/night! and this cb!i really like it i haven't had time to listen to the entire album but jealousy!is a bop honestly it's my type of jam and the choreo is stunning and so are their voices!iwas so skeptical about the lyrics(they could've been like hero or stuck and those made me a bit >:/ honestly) but i really should've known they wouldn't fail me in any way ever!i can't wait to hear the rest of the songs i hope you enjoy them too!bye

hi theory anon, it's nice to hear from u again ! firstly, i am so sorry for the slow reply to this ! but im rly glad to know that u are doing good :-) i'm doing ok too thank u !! how are u ? kfjjfdsjfdf sorry that u had to read my tags but thank u for saying that !! i just feel so guilty when i do nothing bc im absolutely terrified of time passing too quickly ? just the thought of letting a few minutes go to waste is overwhelming ? even though i know it's not rational to think like this but ??? theres just this constant feeling that im running out of time so i try to get rid of it by always doing smth ?? and feel bad when i dont ? idk ?? but anyway im working on it and ill be ok ! sorry..not to be dramatic and tmi and all that kjdfdj istg this blog gives me too much freedom to say...too much :( (hope the internet folks that collect metadata never read the garbage i write bc..yikes they aren't gonna hav the best time) anyway..yea. what a paragraph to start off this reply :( sorry for the honesty and saying so much all the time btw :( not that being honest is necessarily a bad thing but ! idk every time i write smth i suddenly feel extra self conscious and feel like deleting it bc im rly embarrassed and always end up having big regret later when i reread anything ive typed up !! but i just keep writing them anyway bc...idk ?? i'd rly hate it if someone got discouraged from sharing their thoughts/worries/feelings which i think is a rly important human thing :( so yea im rly embarrassed w anything i write but i'll keep doing it anyway bc i'm all for that kind of stuff and sometimes i know its not easy and it takes someone a lot to share that and its a good thing and i dont ever want anyone to feel discouraged from doing that ! anyway i just felt like i rly needed to say all of this..but pls dont feel obliged to reply to this mess !! anyway back to mx ! you are right :( i also hope mx feel like what they've done is worth smth w/e their definition or standard of that is :( like.. all of the hard work they've put into being mx it certainly means so much to fans but i hope all the hard work they've put into being mx also means smth to them at the end of the day and they are happy w what they're doing and what they've achieved so far :( and yes we'd love mx to always be rewarded in the real world :( though we love them and we want to get them a win, i know that everyone has their commitments, means and different circumstances and we can only do so much :( but even if u think its just a small contribution, everything adds up and counts and i know that all mbb hav contributed in some way in helping them get another win for this cb ! there are some mbb who can't buy albums or streaming passes and things and i hope they don't feel bad for this :( even if all you can do is watch the mv once or twice, even if you could only vote, i hope you know that it all counts and matters !! abt mx's schedule, i get tired just by looking at their weekly one idk how they can even put up w it all ?? after this they'll hav their japanese album and things and then they'll have their concerts and on top of all that apparently [some of them are also studying] ????? they are so hardworking :( HOW do they do it !! just..thinking abt their schedule is overwhelming !!! also pls dont think that you're boring me or anything like that :( im so thankful for any msg i receive and the fact that u actually took the time to type out smth to send to me ?? im so grateful ?? u are never boring !! honestly even if u sent me a stainless steel dishwasher manual w the page length of like..23 bibles, i'd still love u for it and i'd prob read all of it :( btw thank u sm for saying all those kind things !!! receiving kindness for the 3rd time is rly !!!!!!! and once again i've done nothing to deserve it :( i dont even know what i can say to you that will ever be enough to thank u again or to top what u hav already said ! if there was like a...maslows hierarchy of kindness of smth, ur at the very top of that triangle and anything i say will never be as kind as what you have said !! for you, i can agree that we both inspired each other :-) but really thank u so much from the bottom of my heart :( i hope you know how kind and lovely u are too ! if nobody told u this today, i wanted to say that im rly grateful to know u and i'm happy that you're here !! thank u again for being so kind and thoughtful and for making me smile !! :( same, i havent properly listened to the whole album either bc ive just been letting it stream in the background (but i dont count that as a proper listen unless i listen w headphones tbh) ill give it a good listen one day ! also im a repeat 1 kind of garbage person until i feel the need to listen to a new song ?? and rn jealousy to me is a song that gets better w every listen ??? shes too powerful atm :( one day ill listen to another song but today is not that day ! Actually.....I think jealousy is my fav mx song ???? before this cb i didnt hav a fav bc i couldnt pick the song i liked most out of blue moon/blind/fighter/incomparable. i was just gonna base it off the one w the most play count out of those 4 but now i know its jealousy ! what are ur fav mx songs ?? btw i know im always saying that anything mx releases is always a masterpiece no matter what, but in all seriousness its ok if u didn't like smth they released. i don't think it makes u any less of a mbb if u didn't enjoy a certain release or if u only liked one aspect of a thing but not so much the rest of the thing. anyway not to sound so...stale and commonplace but for lack of a better word/sentence, at the end of the day your own reactions and feelings to a piece of art like music...it's all just subjective isnt it ?? not liking that thing doesnt mean that its not a masterpiece or its any less of a masterpiece to someone else either so !! it's ok !! anyway this is rly....ive written a lot and its all over the place and incoherent probably :( i'm sorry !! feel free to reply whenever u feel like it, or no pressure on never replying at all btw ! also feel free to disagree w anything i say ! thank u sm for talking to me abt mx bc ive also got no mbb friends so !!! thank you :( theres so many times where i rly want to start a conversation w someone but im too scared and also i've got no clue abt how to initiate conversation ! and the times when i do manage to...i get stuck on how to keep the conversation going ? but when i figure smth out then im coming for u @ friendship !! i hope u had a good weekend and that you got some rest and that ur doing ok wherever u are !! until next time, take care ❤️❤️❤️

#how did i..even end up writing so much im so sorry :-(#and sorry that this is all over the place !!#i hope i didn't go on too much of a tangent :(#ask #theory anon #Anonymous

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authenticaussie · 7 years

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✫ MarcoAceSabo 86

Commissions! || Ko-fi!

ace as a runaway god

he’s basically just a teenager who Does Not Know what he’s meant to be doin in his immortal life and w o w he’s super bored and also his dad is an asshole to humans? lol? ace does not agree? don’t be a dick dad

sO BASICALLY HE POOFS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AS A “HEY DAD IMA GO LIVE W/ HUMANS BC I WANT TO HAVE A BETTER WAY TO SAY FUCK YOU”. Roger is UPSET and torn bc he’s like oh! I remember this stage of my life! Wanting to find myself! Burning shit! Exploring! Stealing things! but then he’s also like [godly scream] “WHERE IS MY SON”

Also Ace is a dumbas bc he doesn’t tell his mom and so she’s actually on Roger’s side and is like no i do not support my runaway son he hasn’t sent us a single letter im very mad at this young man. He could’ve at least said goodbye before disappearing w/o a word!!!

Chasing Twisters by Delta Rey is a Good Time for this AU (especially the first lines; ‘I was born / with lightning in my heels / set a spur upon my ankle / put a horse under the steel’ )

Anyway! Ace ends up travelling a lot and bein a dork and accidentally outing himself as godly all the time omfg. He’ll fly up to pick fruit and fall out of shit and get stabbed and be fine and then get confused when people freak out???? It’s hysterical

ANYWAY he figures out how to (relatively) pass as human ///after like so many errors omfg and ends up running into Marco!! Who travels from town to town doin magic and offering his protection and trying to chase down an old god / some other myths just because he’s a curious fucker

Ace STILL fucks up being human it’s a GOOD TIME, LIKE!!! They’re campin somewhere, idk, near a mountain pass???? huge rocks everywhere???? and Ace keeps picking up rocks and throwing them everywhere like they’re nothing and Marco’s like “uhhhh isnt like. That huge stone monument heavy????”

-ace, holding it w/ one hand over his head and cursing as he tries to find where his hat has gone- "uH YES. HAHA. WOW. YEAH. ITS EXHAUSTING. CANT HOLD THIS FOR LONG!!!!“ ///drops it awkwardly with a thundering crash

Basically what I’m saying is Marco totally knows he’s at least a demigod / blessed by the gods but is so unperturbed by this bc he’s a demigod too? (Ace being an actual god is another story entirely.)

a n y w a y they go through a town where a friend of marco’s called Sabo lives and Ace gets along w/ him super well and they have a lot of common interests and Marco moves on to the next few towns by this. like. mountain thing that encloses it??? so it’s a dead end basically??? and ace stays and gets to know sab better

whispers Sabo’s Totally Flirting with / flustered around Marco but marco doesn’t notice s h i t

Anyway Marco comes back and is like yeah I usually stay here for the winter bc the passes freeze over so badly??? And Ace knows he should go and that he could easily find his way, the cold has never bothered him, but he-

he stays

(they’re fascinating, and they’re clever, and they’re kind, and Ace finds himself drawn to Marco’s easy grins and Sabo’s quick, clever tongue just as easily as he’s drawn to a flame). They turn from “heyyyy humans are so Interesting” into “These Humans are so interesting” into “these are my friends and they’re so interesting and Have Interests that I love hearing them talk abt”

ACE STARTS GETTING SUPER FLUSTERED AND NERVOUS AROUND THEM AND ACCIDENTALLY USING HIS POWERS AND FORGETTING WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO. AND THEN TRYING TO COVER IT UP LIIKE “WOAH SURE WAS A COINCIDENCE THAT ALL THESE CANDLES IGNITED AT ONCE HAHAHAH”

Marco ends up just patting sab’s shoulder and leaning down to whispers that he thinks ace’s old place didn’t take to kindly to demigods and sabo’s like ooooohhh and they NEVER BRING IT UP

Ace eventually!!!!!!! asks them on a date!!!!!!!!! and theyre like weren’t we already doing that????????? and Ace is like what. no. uu taking me ice skating and me taking u to a frozen waterfall that i unfroze for the two of your bc Marco Looked Sad are totally not dates!

Fuck ace goes a minute later. Sabo bursts out laughing bc he’s thinks it’s h i l a r i o u s and even Marco’s having to hold back a grin and Ace buries his face in his hands and is like why didn’t you TELL ME and sabo laughs even harder

Proper date!!! With ace giving them flowers !!! that he flew to idk persephone’s garden to get or smth and trying to Look his Best and marco and sabo are like. hearts melting awww gosh he’s just Trying So Hard they think it’s adorable they’re dying

BUT LOL ANYWAY WHILE THEY’RE ON THEIR DATE ROGER ENDS UP FINDING ACE BC ACE HAS BEEN IN ONE PLACE FOR SO LONG

AND SUMMONS THE THREE OF THEM IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR DATE

AND ACE IS LIKE FUCK SERIOUSLY???????? W O R S T TIMING

also: “if i jumped off this god-summons cloud would u two get mad???”

“UM YES???” goes sabo, “dont leave us alone to face your boss!! you asshole!!!”

B o sss//// ace says, wheeze-laugh-dying, and Sabo’s like that’s Not making me Feel Better

“Lol so like……….I know this is breaking the only rule of first dates……..but like. Hey. Guys. Meet uh…My family lol”

[Marco, internally dying as he stares up at the towering figures that are Obviously trying to tower just for the kicks but haha doin a Good Job]

Sabo and Marco, slowly processing their boyfriend is n o t in fact a demigod, but rather an ACTUAL FUCKING GOD

WHAT THE FUCK ACE is Sabo’s first thought

that explains the rock thing is Marco’s first thought, followed by how the FUCK did i not see this coming

Roger who’s trying to glare at ace for running away and leaving, like NO!!!! NO!!! NOTE!!! THIS IS NOT POLITE BEHAVIOUR, SON!!!!

but then also DATES??????????? D A T E S ???? HIS LIL BOY IS D A T I N G??? HE’S ONLY LIKE 200 YEARS OLD HE SHOULD NOT BE DATING THATS ONLY LIKE 20 IN HUMAN YEARS

Roger who’s trying to look sternly @ ace and also threaten sabo/marco at the same time

Rouge standing in the background like “ace im going to kill you how dare you not say goodbye to me” except like the vague aura is directed at everyone (Mainly ace but like. Everyone knows she’s Super Annoyed)

Look Ace if you’d Just Said Goodbye, everything would have been Fine. Your mom’s Cool.

You didn’t say goodbye

or send her a single letter telling her how you were

she’s not that cool

Roger basically Dismissing Marco/Sabo and Ace gets super pissy and starts y e l l i n g at roger and then bc it’s like. realm of the gods ala mt Olympus or w/e the surroundings start to echo the mood and Ace is quite literally spitting fire and is shifting more and more into his less human form???? So a lot Taller and glowing, wispy eyes, and parts of him encased in flames, flames trapped and visible beneath his skin and Sabo reaches for Marco’s hand because he’s never seen Ace this angry and look he’s only human, he’s been exposed to a lot and he’s pretty brave, but Ace is-

upset. he doesn’t want to see Ace upset, because it hurts something in his own chest, and he can tell by Marco’s tight grip on his hand that Marco feels the same way

But then they almost get hurt in the backlash of Ace / Roger’s argument, and Marco yells at them to stop and Ace gets snapped back to himself rather than just the anger he is in god form, and almost immediately shrinks, and Roger gets SUPER mad bc he thinks they’ve been manipulating ace???????/ and trying to make him smaller than he is????? trying to make him human, and Roger views humans the same way one might view a stray, mangy pet; pityable, and a bit cute and fun to play with, but not-

not worth much.

“This is what humans are! They’re cowards and liars and thieves! And these two are trying to-”

“Make me fucking happy!?” Ace yells back, but he stays small and stands in front of his friends and refuses to go to his dad’s level because he’d gotten better. He wasn’t so angry and useless and bored and entertaining himself by hurting people, he was-

(Humans are worth just as much as gods. they sacrifice themselves for nothing more than it is right and kindness, when they know they won’t come back, when they know people won’t remember them, or know their names, or think of them again. Humans don’t ask to be worshipped, or praised, humans just- are.)

(And these two? These two, the way roger had spit out who they were like that could encapsulate who they were-)

Roger puts her hand on Roger’s shoulder just as Ace turns his back on his father and whispers carefully to sabo and asks if he’s okay and runs his fingers over Marco’s hand and assures himself that theyre okay and apologises for what happened and asks them to forgive him for hiding the truth and Ace being interested in something again, not looking lifeless and hollow and bored, and how ace had been arguing to protect them rather than just arguing because he was so uselessly angry-

Ace turning around again to glare at his father and snapping his fingers and dropping them back on earth and staggering to the side bc he didnt usually do that and Marco immediately helps steady him and they just

talk softly into the early hours of the morning and ace presses careful kisses to their cheekbones and lips and hands like he’s the one worshipping them, their callouses and scars and birthmarks, the way their bodies have changed over the years in ways that his never will, because he can change how he appears

There’s peace, for a week, a peace of careful exchanges as they slowly grow comfortable with this new knowledge - ace knowing that they know, marco and sabo coming to terms with the fact that ace could be terrifying (but he’d never scared them. he’d never, ever tried to scare them)

Then Rouge shows up. Obviously a goddess in human form, obviously perfect, obviously gentle and kind and smiling, and presses a kiss to Ace’s cheek and then one to Sabo’s and then one to Marco’s, and she smells like flowers and summer and home, like warmth and love and she’s so- perfect

Ace is cautious, because his mother can be worse than his father (he loves her more, afterall, she’s his mom and she has always been the one to protect him, with a fury that he never wants to be on the receiving end of). She smiles at him and tells him that as long as he’s happy she’s fine but that a letter or two wouldn’t have gone amiss and basically invites herself in to have tea / lunch and makes ace tell her about all his adventures and he starts off carefully and faltering because he still thinks it’s some plan of his father’s, but she laughs at all the right moments and asks questions and is just

his mom. She’s his mom and she loves the fuck out of him-

and he’s happy. Any fool could see that, and no fool would take him away from that

She bids them goodbye at sunset, promising to come back later if invited, and Ace says that he’ll try, and then rouge asks him to grab her shawl from inside and shoos him off to get it and looks at Sabo and Marco and her eyes soften and that almost makes it worse when she says, “you won’t hurt him, would you?” because to answer yes would be to disappoint her

Then Marco shakes his head and glares at her and goes we won’t. But not because we’re afraid of you, but because we don’t want to hurt him. First and foremost he’s our friend.

Rouge smiles, properly this time, with teeth and laughter and it sounds a bit threatening but they can tell she’s amused. “I’m so glad he found you.”

She kisses them both on the cheek and is gone before Ace comes out with empty hands, and they’re left to explain what happened before she left (Ace sighs and apologises, and Sabo laughs and says he’d never expected to deal with gods in his daily life).

Random members of ace’s family show up sometimes. Rouge declared it a Thing. They just. give the mas fam stuff. Tree that blooms all year round. Tiny plants / terrariums that are accurate details of places they know, right down to the tiny - living - animals. glass panes that show the weather in the future and mirrors that put together what you want to wear and have it folded up on the bench when you come back.

They don’t realise they’re still younger than everyone else until they realise just how old everyone else is. They don’t realise that gifts from the gods are sometimes ones you can’t see. They don’t realise, but by the point they do there is nothing to contest; they don’t want to leave Ace, and Ace doesn’t want to leave them. It helps that, for all the years they were living in the city/town no-one had become super c l o s e to them.

They get known as the weird magicians at the end of the road, and kids get dared to knock on their door and ask for stuff. Sometimes ace opens it with part of his eye on fire and sometimes marco answers it with dough on his face and laughter from behind him and strange things in the kitchen and sometimes Sabo answers it but keeps the door half closed and as you walk home you can swear there’s something by your side.

(“What do you get when you mix home and something free?” Rouge asks one day, before they’re really comfortable around each other, tapping her teaspoon against the side of her cup, ankles crossed and poise perfect, and Sabo makes a curious noise in the back of his throat.

“What?”

Rouge smiles mischievously. “You already know him.”)

a Thing that I tried to write as the Start that would’ve been Fun: (from an alt!idea where Ace was literally on the run from angry gods for having stolen something ala prometheus and sabo/marco are gods/demigods sent to get it back but Whoops they’re In Love now).

Ace had run away from a lot of things in his life.

He’d been doing it his entire life, after all.

(He just really hadn’t expected to add “fleeing from angry gods” to his list of skills.)

#marcosaboace #marcoacesabo #maracebo #opfanfic #aussie's anons #ask aussie #nari is writing #bip bop nari drops #i l o v e mythology so like a lil background to gods here #they're kind of reincarnated kind of reborn in that #you had old gods that controlled things eg god of skies god of earth god of fire etc etc but they get tired and old and #they dont want to see another millenia go by #so younger gods who want children or just the community in general #if depends #end up getting a child who has some of their attributes & some of the old god who released their energy to give life to the god child #so ace is fire and anger and freedom and journeys while the god before him may have been war and peace and strength #///rouge is dusk and dawn and the way home #///roger is skies and knowledge and freedom and fighting #26/02/2017 #barbequeue

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aitian · 5 years

Text

July 6 2019

3:15 am (saturday?)

it feels like july fourth was just a few hours ago, & june should not have passed yet. i really wish i had someone to love in these moments. it really feels like once again no one really cares for me (in all meanings; im not interesting or tasteful or attractive or desirable or worth understanding/being around). i feel so strange about my body as smth that i do not totally mind being in but also feel mildly disgusted by bc of how other ppl have treated me based upon it. it predicates so much of the violence & suffering that i have internalized. also i am hitting a rock with a few things- i spent all of last night (the night before?) looking up careers & etc things all over the internet & i still have no real dreams relating to working & being a worker- i am more & more uncomfortable with my transness & feeling like i will b disgusting & foolish if i become more feminine but also that i am disgusting & foolish already in how i have always looked & felt- i keep looking at these websites related to queer apa groups & literary things & “opportunities” for someone like me & they just fully do not feel like they are for someone like me bc i feel at the same time too privileged & too lacking to be who they want to support & also that i am simply annoying & burdensome for trying to do anything yet feeling like the work that they do is sometimes annoying & useless anyway so what gives them the pride to deny me & then circling back to these ideas abt money & power that seem antithetical to the stated goals of all of us but totally in line with our actions. it all makes me feel increasingly isolated & resentful that i am unable to change how i feel & live in this moment. it feels like i am back in high school with the part of my brain between my eyes aching yet unable to scream & cry. i know i am different now, but not enough, & not in a way that feels loved. i know that part of my problem is not having a large enough heart to love others first, but when i have not been extended kindness in ways that feel right to me, it is hard to step out & be generous to others who i know deep down will no reciprocate meaningfully. i feel stupid for having these desires that seem totally arbitrary & just make things harder for me (a masculine loving force, being treated as a queer femme by my friends & the respect that comes from knowing i have complex thoughts & emotions, codependency & mutualism in a way that may only be “unhealthy” because of how capitalist dynamics structure our interpersonal relationships) but i cant figure out how to change. i dont want to be uncomfortable & unfulfilled for the rest of my life. on the other hand, i now feel so much shame for wanting these things & pursuing these things in the way that i always have such as studying & licking the toes of elitism bc i understand that this is probably not a channel for me to truly gain comfort but a small part of me (& a huge part of the rest of the world) says yes, it really can be.

A review of june:

kicked off the month with sherry leaving. we had our philly day trip to eat cheesecake in late may & then our trip to toronto where we met up with grace for a day & then on the last day we hung out until smth crazy like 4am & i sat on the pavement of our driveway & cried as they back up their cars and left.

the next few days include hanging out w adele, going to hershey to visit alice, & hanging out w adele a little bit more before she left to go on vacation.

around the middle of the month, i did a lot of cooking & eating & sleeping at the correct time & trying to nourish away the emptiness that was slowly creeping in. i was also sewing a shirt with mom that we finished & it looks pretty cute.

mom & i took many trips. after the weekend at hershey, we went to philadelphia just to eat & hang around, & we went to baltimore at the end of the month (just last weekend). we also went to stone valley/shavers creek & walked around.

around june 20th or so everything started to become a blur. i was/am working on the zine, sleeping at the worst hours, & feeling so empty inside.

things on the immediate & horizon:

- i bought silkscreen supplies but have not set up a studio situation yet. i am trying to make smth that i am proud of first i guess.

- i am trying to illustrate a zine/comic but i have totally lost steam. i just want it to magically manifest as a finished product because idk how much i still believe in it in this moment of depression & fear it will never come to fruition. part of why i stopped was bc i started feeling like it was shameful to draw these things that i imagine could be a part of a wonderful life because other ppl could look at it & think abt how foolish & disgusting & simple i am.

- em shared these two articles which are rly fucking with me. i guess its comforting that they describe ugliness as smth that shouldnt be treated badly but they also do not have conclusions abt how to not treat ugliness as undesirability which fucks with me. its this strange rhetoric that undesirable people should be valued but maybe still remain undesirable? while acknowledging that value & desirability r unfortunately but definitely related. the more i think abt it the less sense it makes. esp bc i am struggling so much with feeling wholly & totally undesirable. i sent a msg to em today abt it bc they asked me how i am doing & i think it was too much bc they just liked it & didnt reply.

https://leavingevidence.wordpress.com/2011/08/22/moving-toward-the-ugly-a-politic-beyond-desirability/

https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/how-to-be-fat-caleb-luna-sub/

- im supposed to have my wisdom teeth removed at the end of august & im pretty scared tbh. i have never had surgery, & there are multiple parts that are intimidating to me. i fear being totally not in control of my body being cut up & gouged & not having the choice rly to object because waiting can only make it worse, i fear the physical stabbing & poking & bleeding, i fear the recovery & the pain & indignity, & i also fear the part abt losing consciousness. i dont know what part of my anxiety keeps telling me that its the same as dying, that losing myself to a strange limbo is terrifying, & that framework even makes me suddenly afraid of sleep. on top of that, i am afraid of what i will say & do as i am coming back into consciousness because i think my base thoughts & emotions are not things that i would want mom to hear.

- i am relearning dr. gradus & here is a section that i played today. ngl i practiced just these measures for the video but also i am rly beginning to string the piece together.

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