#and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(
#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests...#theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man#it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing#eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED#and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself#by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others#it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless#ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!)#but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking#and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk#oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao#and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3#voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries#that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them#and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long#+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc#and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it#to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍#anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite#if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^)#.vent#.diaries
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#i am actually the worst person alive every now and then the weight of all the guilt and grief and humiliation really hits me#i am not liked at all and i keep eroding all of my remaining relationships and i have fucked up my life beyond repair and i am#truly never getting out of this cycle no matter what meds i take at what dosage or if i talk out my feelings or if i keep them inside#or if i get therapy or if i dont if i have friends if i dont if my family likes me if they dont if my dog is alive or if hes dead its just#me theres something broken in me no matter how hard i believe and try and hope and pray i just wont get better i always end up here#i have consistently been the worst most absent friend i have ruined everything ive touched i feel contagious im contagious#i cant expect people to keep loving me and i definitely cant expect them to keep saying it over and over when it isnt true and they dont#want to and people dont even ask if im alright anymore they already know im not and just dont care because how could they#i dont get better it would just weigh on them all the time and how fair is that really i wish no one had ever met me i wish i wish#i betray all my promises to myself and others and im so stupid im so dumb and i just. theres nothing at all in here#i cant stand the loneliness anymore but i dont deserve anything else. do you see#and its my fault people no longer care its all my fault im so alone. i feel so alone. no one can know me and love me and they will all#be fine they have everyone they need they have everyone they want. i am no one at all not even to myself#theres an abyss where my personhood should be#i have to leave i have to get out of here
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i am just...so profoundly tired of being me
#char.txt#there is something that is so revolting about me I am incapable of shaking the shame of it#Theres nothing i can do to make myself happy its just not possible i think i have to accept that#but im tired of pretending for other people its so stupid#everything feels fake even when im being honest i dont know who this person is anymore#its just stupid idk im thinking about too many things#my life feels like it exists for other peoples entertainment and if im not interesting im failing and im wasting peoples time and energy#but i can't be alone anymore I legitimately cannot be alone anymore ive tried so hard it only makes things worse#I need to feel wanted and maybe its something im missing thats keeping me from feeling that way#but I feel so deeply that when i stop being funny or when the person ppl actually want to talk to comes around ill stop being relevant#i dont exist to people when im not infront of them and...idk i have to be okay with that because im never anything more#and like this genuinely isnt a dig because there are people who I am friends with who have access to see this and I don't want you to feel#like its something youve done cause its not your fault its kind of not even about any of you or the ppl wholl never see this#Its something im missing its something about me and i dont deserve cruelty ik that#but i can't make anyone want me more than they do and thats alright#i just know that ill always be second fiddle at best and it just exausts me sometime#its be easier if I liked me but I wouldnt wish my presence upon anyone#but im selfish and i need the attention or ill actually self destruct so here we are this is my boulder
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romance repulsion
sometimes i watch tiktoks on what people (typically straight people) consider cheating and feel physically sick. I HATE ROMANCE I HATE ROMANCE I HATE ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS THE THOUGHT OF BEING TRAPPED LIKE THAT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE. THATS NOT FREEING THATS NOT LIGHT THATS NOT EASY HATE HATE RAGE ANGER
#the thought of being in a romantic relationship makes me feel like a cornered animal#the thought of someone thinking its okau to just. touch me. not even in bad ways but like. just randomly!!!!!! no!!!!#it makes me feel so trapped and horrible and theres so many expectations and things you have to do#and and they have to be the most important thing in your life and you have to drop everything for them and hold them above yourself and#AND I DONT WORK LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!#oughhhhh. i am not always romance repulsed but when i am its Badddd#usually its not that bad when its other people but imaging myself makes my skin crawl#the thought of being kissed or hugged or anytihng makes me feel so hrorible and sick. help. save me#i need to.. stop thinking about this i think#talking tag#aromantic#aspec#complaining#vent#kind of. i guess#personal
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don't worry guys if you're ever in a bad place emotionally and seeking guidance some woman with an entirely different outlook on life than you will thrust shitty advice upon you whether you like it or not and then make you feel completely fucking awful about her wealth of wisdom that she is so genuinely convinced she has despite not having any idea . this will make the bad place so much more bad also
#this is the last thing i am posting related to the events of my day i dont think i will ever get over just how insane it was but i hope#things will improve bc the lady is someone who i am very close with#i just always sorta balanced her out with my mother and that is not currently possible#i dont want to be angry at her anymore but it was so genuinely bad. like what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck#yknow a lot of bad things have happened where im able to put myself in the other persons shoes and go ''yeah sure'' like#theres a reason i forgave most the ppl who made my life hell ages 6-14#but this was so unreasonable. i literally cannot even fathom why she would do that outside of ''she wasnt thinking she was just doing''#because people arent reasonable and thats usually the explanation why stuff happens that you can't understand#i would not let anyone else speak to me like that and i honestly should not have let her speak to me like that but we live on#its not the healthy or godly thing to keep this on my chest nor put it out for others to see but it literally shook me so bad#on the bright side#usually i shake when im angry like literally physically shake#and i didnt this time! cried though! not when she was in the room idk what my body was doing#i like definitely was not the guy in control of my body for a while there#i still dont think i am i keep doing little things and going hmmm i dont think im florence rn#but it was . something.
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Having a complicated relationship with your mum is so confusing. It's the knowledge that she taught me the best way to make gravy, how tie my shoes and how to make my bed. But she's also the one that made disparaging comments about my body growing up and is part of the reason I don't want to be a parent myself and why I moved across the country for uni. But she's still my mum and I still find myself wishing I could seek comfort from her when things get a little too hard but the mum I'm longing for doesn't really exist. And I see her in the colour of my eyes and in the way I grit my teeth when I'm angry. She taught me how to do my hair and how to cover up bruises. She's a part of me in all the good and the bad. And there's no way to say you hate someone that doesn't also acknowledge all the good because nothings as ever as black and white as that
#personal#+Extra#i dont know i was making gravy for dinner the way my mum taught me and it got me thinking about how i havent spoken to her in over a week#since she told me that my dad is threatening to kick me out again and i started thinking about the fact im currently at empty student#accommodation for the summer instead of back home like most people anf how part of me feels guilty for that and the other knows im doing#whats best for me and theres a reason i left people keep asking why im so far up north for uni if im from down south and i dont know how to#explain it they look at you a certain way when you say you dont get along with your parents like your an entitled brat that cant see that#theyre just doing whats best for you and theres no way to explain two decades of trauma to someone in a single conversation theres no way#to get them to understand that despite what my parents do and the fact i went as far as i could for uni theyre still my parents and i love#them even when i hate them for everything and although ill being carrying the scars of childhood trauma with me long after ive left them i#cant entirely blame even when i want to they made terrible choice that have shaped me for ever but theyre still people and ill always#resent them for the people they are and the fact they could do better but didnt for us and the fact they fall back into those people like#a bad habit when i spend to long at home in a way that makes feel like theres something wrong with me specifically will always sit with me#but for now im stood in my kitchen making sheppards pie thinking of the way my mum used to make it and the tension that used to hang over#the dining table while we ate and how now my parents dont even eat in the same room and im grateful my little siblings will never know#that side of our parents but it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt every time i see a reflection of my parents in myself and wish i could cut it out
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Girl help I keep thinking about freaking persona 4
#i have banned myself from engaging with any persona 4 related content (except for memes my sister sends me)#because yeah its genuinely deeply upsetting for me and i always feel like absolute shit#but aghhh for some reason my brain has been fixated on it this week thinking about all the offensive garbage it is#and i keep thinking of all the evidence i can gather definitively proving that the writing is sooooo homophobic/transphobic#which is a very easy thing to gather up and prove since its all over the damn place lol#but like im just so fixated on how awful the game is and how the fans are even worse and i have this urge to argue forever#something im sure a lot of yall can relate to#cuz god it hurts to be screaming at people that theyre hurting you and for them to just say no to you as if its up for debate#if this sounds dramatic cuz its Juat A Game liiiike no its not Just A Game this is about#my daily life requires me to argue my existence constantly and its the same for every other damn marginalized person out there#and idk if youre still gonna either ignore or deny that persona 4 isnt batshit insanely offensive then youre stupid#i dont have the patience to argue shit like this anymore because theres no way someone with a brain can deny shit like that#and quite frankly even well intentioned queer fans who try to make headcanons that either say fuck you to the game#or hcs that do nothing at all to challenge the bigotry in p4 are kinda annoying to me#cuz it hurts too much to play along like yeah id LOVE to just slap a rainbow on kanji and a trans guy badge on naoto#and call it a day and enjoy the game outside of it all but thats kinda impossible#when these two characters entire existence revolves around the bigotry and its done in a way that hurts like hell to see#its too real for me to enjoy even if i make positive ‘fuck you atlus’ fan art#yeah ughhhh whatever its just annoying cuz I’ve been doing a good job at blocking this game away from my life#cuz it brought nothing but anger to me but its just been something thats been stuck on me lately#and im really not sure what triggered this or why its been lingering so long like please stoppp#its really embarrassing to be having bad mental illness over a shitty bibleo game 🙄
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#sorry sorry this ones gonna be a vent so look away if you're not into that#alright we good? cool cool#cw: vent#a lot of my friends both internet and irl has made advancements in their own circle of friends like they're hanging out and bonding outside#-of school#i feel left out. but this is my fault and im very aware of it#its just... its hard for me to find people that i think id have a close connection with#it makes me think im gonna be really lonely at the end of the day#sometimes texting isnt enough. i want physical enjoyment and fun too#i just find myself stuggling to click off with others and maybe its because im unsure of who i can trust#idk my classmate always talks about hows their day and compared to mine; theirs always seems so much funner to do yeah dbfbbfbfbdbdbr#i dont know. a lot of my close friends. or even best friends if you will; arent physically close with me anymore because they either#actually no its not either. they just moved out#its hard to stay in contact with them too so i dont know what's life like for them anymore#that's why I really appreciate every connection ive made here because it feels very personal here. but i feel the more i keep being here—#without actual physical communication — ill just get worse#and i always think about my faves just to cope with it but i guess i just got slapped with reality check today and came to realize that now#theres this one day in school where a problem arised during an event and i was so anxious and scared — i started crying#my schoolmate who used to be my old classmate (we're in different sections as of present) immediately comforted me and#i really appreciated that. he gave me a hug and even lent me his handkerchief. something about that moment made me realise that this is#exactly wanted. just that feeling of warmth and comfort from a friend dhfhfbdbdb it sounds petty but i really like physical languages yeah#ive been trying to finf ways to say hi to him again but its hard since our school schedules are different#im not close with anyone in my class tbh so its hard for me to feel that physical closeness too#i firmly believe in action speaks louder than words. so yeah#thats all. yeah#ill go continue reading my notes
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i miss being 16 when i could be horribly irresponsible and not have to do anything Adult-like. or just being so depressed that the responsibilities i had i didnt care about enough to ACTUALLY do anything about like....because. none of it mattered to me because i didnt want to live. and now im like. wow i do really want to live! like i wish i didnt want to because then it would be so easy to not do anything and just let my life fall apart but i put so much effort into not letting it fall apart that the idea of letting it fall apart is too stressful.
like wow the consequences of #healing and being #healthy include having the weight of the world on ur shoulders with ur eyes wide open 4 the first time in ur entire life because really u spent all of it keeping urself so close 2 the ground that u couldnt see but now u can see and u can see everything! when i grew up so small and i have to be so big but i cant fit into anywhere or hold a space that large. like why does nothing ever account 4 like. me spending my entire life in cute little survival mode and now im Not in that mode anymore and everything is so surreal and i have to do everything myself. like i get 2 Suffer forever with how far behind from every1 else that i am with 0 real support system just me a girl in my room. and all the things in my adult life i cant blame on anyone else anymore because its my fault now. or whatever live laugh love...suffer endlessly until u dont. itll be fine.
#text#like how everything always comes back 2 feeling so unprepared because everything has always gone so fast and been so scary#valkyrie.txt#theres like...0 breaks in between trauma. and constant stress and suffering#i feel like i never got the chance to step back and breathe before i was thrown into another situation.#and its just not ever fair that its so many other peoples fault. but because im older i have to take responsibility for the person that i am#in being so undisciplined and irresponsible and reckless#because im in control of me. and i cant blame the past on anything that i do as an adult i have to change it!!! me!!!!#when i havent had control over anything at all ever. and suddenly i Do. but i still dont! but i do!#like none of this is even about. what im upset about it always just comes back to me feeling horrible for myself#because i dont know what to do with the disappointment i feel in me for my inability to just do what my mother says and Grow Up
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...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈
#i just spent like an hour writing and rewriting a post trying to explain myself amd its just so hard to put into words#im bored here but not in a ew not enough content for the dopamine hit shit#in like a every time i scroll through I dont smile I dont see anything that makes me happy at all i dont get a laugh or anything#its just mindless brain rotting scrolling nothing wasting my time hoping maybe ill see a new artist to follow or something#and every time its nothing#so much nothing taking up so much of my time and space in my life and i already dont have a lot of time to begin with#ive made some awesome friends here ive had lovers from here ive had people who are no longer on this earth from here who ill never forget#i dont think ive really enjoyed anything on here in 7 years#ive left before for a really long time i think like a year or more or something#and i wont be totally unreachable of people message me ill respond but im so sick of this stupid app taking up my life#and all i ever get out of it is getting mad or getting depressed over shit that really is t worth my mental state over#all i ever feel on here is that the world fuckin sucks and theres not even anything here to make hanging around worth it#im not new to this site making me suicidal for an abundance of reasons and im luckily in a spot where i wont actually hurt myself#its just ideation and intrusive thoughts but its a pattern i cant keep ignoring#also im old tumblr im old tumblr and i think i will always be old tumblr im just not catching on to new shit anymore#the fact im even saying anything about a hiatus should show how pld tumblr i am no one does this anymore lol#i just don't want to be here anymore i dont really want to be anywhere online anymore tbh#its always something and i cant mentally keep up with it anymore i have too much going on in my life#my wife is having cancer removed on Tuesday im a lead teacher who has to take care of i think 8 babies now#i have problems i have actual problems that need me and need me to be as there as i can be#i cant be spiraling over stuff online on top of real world problems im in no position to do anything about on top of personal life problems#that are drastically affecting my life at home and hurting my family and loved ones#i have a mass in my thyroid which is so big i choke to the point i stop breathing if I dont have my meds i throw up all day#i have to see a neurologist because at best i have a pinched nerve at worst im having seizures and i might have to move states again#i dont have it in me to come on here and see stuff that makes me upset for the chance i might see something i like#and i can unfollow people and whatever but I dont have the energy or time to sift through people i follow on here#if you want to talk in dms or asks or you want to send me posts pls by all means continue to do so thats fine#but i think i need to take the app out of my line of sight again for a bit and just be in the moment again same with twitter#anyways i love yall i promise i am safe and not in harms way im just stressed af and i have got to start cutting things out that#arent doing anything other then making me miserable
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i wish i wasn't so shy
#the bin#theres a party happening where i work tomorrow after close. i really like my coworkers but i cant make myself go#im so tired of being home alone all the time but :/ the coworker i dont like isnt even gonna be there so i wouldnt have to deal but :/#i just cant. i know at least most of my coworkers like me but. hhhh. the thought of going makes me super anxious#i dont know why it makes me so nervous. but the fact ill definitely have to see all these people again doesnt help bc if i seem weird its#a permanent fumble. until i move at least.#i can be normal in work settings because i dont HAVE to talk. i can focus on working and i think that actually makes people see me as very#professional. it certainly did at my last job. and where i work now im always tryna make sure if theres stuff to be done that im doing it#and asking. whenever theres nothing to do i feel so awkward and bored. a few of my coworkers are nice to talk to but we only talk bc they#have nobody to talk to. when its more than 1 other person then those 2 people usually talk to each other and i do nothing#idk. this sorta thing isnt the kind athing everyone likes doing but it feels like the kinda thing i would actually enjoy if i wasnt so shy#its weird to me that i was able to push past some of my social anxiety in order to get a job. but that only happened bc i was fully forced#to. and i procrastinated it quite a bit. i forced myself to deal with stuff previously so i could go to the store and that was the same case#i fully tan out of food and drink for 3 days before i finally forced myself to walk to the store out of pure necessity bc i HAD to#since the ppl i lived with refused to go to the store even tho i was out of food#and now i do those things fine. i get kinda anxious but its really fine#but i cant force myself to do other things. it sucks so much#well. it doesnt matter.
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u ever have to back out of a drama explained video bc ur like. i agree that that person was in the wrong but the way youre presenting them is just unsettling
#like theres a difference between 'hey heres a breakdown of who waid what and what happened' and#'look at this zoo animal and what a freak they are for this freak thing they did‚ everyone point and laugh at them wherever they go forever#specifically if you put quirky music and a dramatic voiceover over a clip of someone having a screaming#breakdown in their car telling people to leave them alone i think thats uhhhhhh fucked up no matter what they did#and ppl will always be like 'well they could just log off so its fine' and its like a) didnt we learn in like elementary school that#cyberbullying is still real bullying#like to me that gives the same vibe as 'why didnt they just leave' irt abusive relationship if that makes sense?#like yeah physically they are capable of just logging off. physically they can choose to leave. but theres a lot more#that goes into it than just 'can i physically leave'#like. ppl who do abuse over the internet know how the internet works and know how to use#means other than ohysical strength to keep targets under their control#'if you dont respond to my messages whenever i send them ill kill myself. no i didnt directly say that but#i repeatedly messaged you at times i knew you had just gone to sleep faking suicide attempts making you feel#like its your fault for not being available to respond 24/7'#its 'youre the only person i can talk to about these things no one understands me like you. you are my whole support system and therefore#wholly responsible for my mental health#if you leave me ill have no one so you will be dooming me to fall apart on my own when i need support the most so you can never leave me'#its 'how can you break up with me right now knowing im feeling suicidal‚ its like you want me to kill myself‚ you did this deliberately bc#youre a bad person. my life depends on you staying with me and i will never not be suicidal#and even if i was you saying that would make me feel that way so you can never break up with me or youre responsible for me kmsing#im not saying thats at all the same as ppl taking drama too far and freaking out abiut stuff however i feel like a good portion of it#carries over specifically the fact that. they probably feel like they /have/ to stay logged in‚ to keep their drama public#they have to keep defending themselves and keep reading responses and keep going and going#plus like. of course its the big freakouts that get lots of attention and therefore get even worse#good or bad people like spectacle‚ you never see people calmly resovling disagreements because they.#get calmly resolved then everyone moves on and forgets it. so you only remember the wild ones#like esp for like. kids on tiktok#we all had meltdowns about petty shit at one point or another we just were lucky enough to grow up just before#social medias jumped over to video content so it doesnt have our faces tied to it#idk. i just think ppl should ask themselves 'how would i feel if an audience of thousands was watching my lowest moment like this'
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#also like. i dont even have a thing anymore. yeah i ventedabout this already its my blog unfollow me about it#but like all my things get taken up by other people who just do them better and then im left with fucking nothing#theres nothing that i have in my groups where im the defacto go to person for it#i dont have things anymore! i have fucking nothing. i have literally no use in my groups besides being another body to pad out numbers#i cant do art i cant write i only really have surface level knowledge of my interests#i have fuck all going for me i genuinely dont understand why im kept around besides the social contract of it being too awkward to remove#someone w/o them having done smth to deserve it#like im not really funny im not creative im not good at anything. i struggle to reach out to other people and i cant hold a conversation#and when i do manage to hold a conversation i always end up circling it back to like my own interests and ocs and myself n shit and like id#its not conscious but i know thats gotta be fucking annoying yknow? like i wouldnt wanna deal with me either so i get it#sighs#man if i feel this shitty maybe i need to do a server purge and dip out of some spaces at least for a while#but yknow what they say dont make stupid choices at 3am#whatever
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starting to realize that even if im not feeling so terrible i still somehow end up isolating. at first i thought it was to process things that made me feel bad or to process stuff in general, which i still dont know if helps, but now that im thinking im noticing that ive been doing it for a long time to a lot of important people. its not always about difficult topics, i could simply be talking to a friend and next thing i know i havent replied in over 12 hours, sometimes more. i dont answer texts, i dont pick up calls, i dont even read the messages and its usually because i cant bring myself to do it even if i really want to and isnt that messed up. i dont want to isolate i want to connect and be there but i cant. im trying to understand why this happens but i keep coming up blank. am i hiding from something? most of these people care about me so what am i even running away from? is that what this is?
#i thought it only came up when things were a bit more complicated and confusing than i expected or knew how to deal with#but when your friend is showing you something or just talking and suddenly you dont answer for hours or days its just so rude i am so rude#and sure yeah i always come back but maybe it would be better if i never left#im so lucky theres even someone there for whenever i manage to bring myself back in the first place. i am so lucky and so grateful#even my family comments on this as if it was a joke im literally known as that one person who never/will never answer how messed up is that#like to the point ive been told theyre worried to flag me as their emergency contact bc they Know i wont answer and im ?? i live like this?#all bc of an offhand comment and she'll probably say its not that deep but maybe it is#especially if i start considering all the other times its been brought up by different people. its good to be called out by your friends#even if its meant as a joke#point is i have to do better#anyway im writing this down on the ongoing list of things to discuss with a therapist. gonna fix myself one essay at a time#personal
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i kinda feel like so long as someone like me isn’t accepted as a part of the queer community that none of us will ever be able to work together for our rights
#so long as im not 'good enough'. in whatever way that means to you. im p sure none of us will be accepted lol#idk what it is about me. im too mentally ill? too taboo? too outspoken about my beliefs??#i dont feel like i operate really a whole lot different than other people on here i just have different interests and shit idk#but like. bc im such a low hanging fruit. bc im so easy to demonize. bc i look like a disney villain lol . as long as im not accepted#in all my sexy devilish ways#idk if any of us will.#idc if you think i give queer people a bad look bc of how much i embrace the things conservatives hate about us#bc like this is just me dude. im just being myself up here. sure i do a lil jokey trickstery stuff here n there but yknow#idk what ppl want from me. truly#like seriously if anyone can let me know what i did that was so wrong. id love to know#bc rn my suspicion is its just the terfs who are malding. but could be my abuser too. idk#they have way less people on their side though than like terfs do on the whole so thats why im leaning more toward it being the terfs#considering they have a whole. terf army apparently lol.#im not saying its just me but when yall decide certain people arent good enough or dont fit your hashtag aesthetic enough to be#part of the community then we're always going to lose. you cant just decide for queer people whether or not they have a place in thel#community. bc if you can just pick and choose who you want to be in it then its not even a community anymore or a movement or anything#its literally just a fucking clique and theres no way clique behavior is ever gonna inspire anyone to want to support us#and thats#aside from setting up a hierarchy of whats desireable in a person and what makes them Good Enough to be in the community#bc that shit is also going to make people decide to sort us by a similar standard. so long as all of us aren't accepted none of us will be
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