#idk what ppl want from me. truly
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i kinda feel like so long as someone like me isn’t accepted as a part of the queer community that none of us will ever be able to work together for our rights
#so long as im not 'good enough'. in whatever way that means to you. im p sure none of us will be accepted lol#idk what it is about me. im too mentally ill? too taboo? too outspoken about my beliefs??#i dont feel like i operate really a whole lot different than other people on here i just have different interests and shit idk#but like. bc im such a low hanging fruit. bc im so easy to demonize. bc i look like a disney villain lol . as long as im not accepted#in all my sexy devilish ways#idk if any of us will.#idc if you think i give queer people a bad look bc of how much i embrace the things conservatives hate about us#bc like this is just me dude. im just being myself up here. sure i do a lil jokey trickstery stuff here n there but yknow#idk what ppl want from me. truly#like seriously if anyone can let me know what i did that was so wrong. id love to know#bc rn my suspicion is its just the terfs who are malding. but could be my abuser too. idk#they have way less people on their side though than like terfs do on the whole so thats why im leaning more toward it being the terfs#considering they have a whole. terf army apparently lol.#im not saying its just me but when yall decide certain people arent good enough or dont fit your hashtag aesthetic enough to be#part of the community then we're always going to lose. you cant just decide for queer people whether or not they have a place in thel#community. bc if you can just pick and choose who you want to be in it then its not even a community anymore or a movement or anything#its literally just a fucking clique and theres no way clique behavior is ever gonna inspire anyone to want to support us#and thats#aside from setting up a hierarchy of whats desireable in a person and what makes them Good Enough to be in the community#bc that shit is also going to make people decide to sort us by a similar standard. so long as all of us aren't accepted none of us will be
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some illustrations/vibes from my uhh 29k memory trauma/disability focus orufrey fic, into the deep end.
#witch hat tag#orufrey#idk what more i'll draw so i'll just put these here. i think my failing eye qifrey will be with me forever now.#yesterday - i realise this is probably weird - i BURST into tears for ages like hot tears bc i just suddenly was overwhelmed#by oru's feelings rather than qifrey's. i was just in my orufrey mindscape as usual teehee and i just. oru wanted qifrey to be able to look#at him so much suddenly. and realised that can't ever happen again. i could literally cry a lot again now. i wrote oru trying so hard#to focus on the good qifrey can still have from living and i felt bad and HE felt bad in that moment for being SO sad about it#but until then i/he hadn't processed the truly painful parts of disability that you can't deny. sometimes it hurts so bad and it's unfair#the thing is i do feel that shirahama is leading up to this. disability is so central to witch hat and as for qifrey's narrative...#mm. i can't really believe the powerful and desperate emotions orufrey give me lol anyyyyywwaaayyyyy read my fic haha#i want more ppl to read it and tell me they enjoyed it..but you can't beg for such a thing. no matter what orufrey is..god they are so much#i am so glad from the bottom of my heart that i encountered this manga.#the first drawing is meant to express the feeling of pain coming from one place in your body. and feeling like a conduit#*oru voice* You are a human being.
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venting in tags about gender n shit (long as hell) (u can comment and talk 2 me as always :3)
#okay so i got a really masc haircut about a month ago and i know it's just a haircut but holy shit has it changed EVERYTHING for me#like.... i've always leaned masc except 1) before i came out 2) when i was actively in love with someone who i knew liked femmes#and they always described me as a fem. because that's what i showed her. because i wanted to be with her.#but lowkey whenever i'm in a not-impressing-anyone raw-dogging-life-no-crush era i always resort to a very masc style#like masc being my default and i'd only lean fem to impress people whether it's for love or peer pressure in a specific setting#like ''dressing up'' has always been a form of drag to me. like something i HAD to do to fit in or impress my parents (scott favor core)#but ever since this haircut i've realized... i could just BE masc innately like i really don't have to be womanly if i don't want to#which i usually don't. again i have only ever dressed fem for other people. but it's not even being masc that attracts me on its own#it's like. being masc in a distinctly lesbian way. as in whenever i look in the mirror i don't wanna be like a Guy i wanna be a dyke.#like lesbian as a gender identity too sort of thing honestly. okay i've been waffling but basically i sort of want to call myself butch#but i don't know if i like... can?? if i'm allowed to???#everyone always says it's MORE than just wearing boy clothes and not wearing makeup and having short hair (which i already do all those)#i mean i've always id'd as genderqueer because it literally just means gender weird and i experience gender in a queer way#what's probably the most telling is that my friends (all queer) CALL me a butch lesbian#like every time they do i feel really internally validated. it's not just my clothes but my personality too ig is what people tell me#i have a higher pitched voice relatively speaking but apparently the way i talk is quote ''very clockably into women''#which?? gender euphoria asf. my best friend specifically he (gay trans guy) always uses butch to describe me very intuitively#people have also noticed that i ''transitioned'' in all aspects except hormonally. like ppl have commented and noticed my masculinzation#but at the same time i always feel rly haunted by my ex relationships because one wanted me to be more masc#(she's the one who came out as straight and would treat me like a man) which i didn't like and i didn't like playing up being fem either#bc now it feels like she (butch) won't believe me if i called myself butch too bc she remembers me being femme#idk i feel like there's her voice in my head all the time that sees everything i do through her eyes (i'm lowkey still in love)#i feel like even though this comes so naturally to me i must be putting on a performance#even though i've actually read stone butch blues and done research into the history and i truly love and id with the culture like i rly do#that im still just a sad imitation of a butch lesbian and can never really be a part of it because i used to enjoy dressing up sometimes#like it's so stupid but can i still be butch if i wore a dress to prom and i think i looked good in it??#even though i was envious of my friends who wore suits?? that i used to try goth makeup?? that i liked long dresses??#that i enjoyed stacked necklaces and rings on every finger???#and tbh ALL OF THAT CAME FROM A CONCIOUS EFFORT TO FEMINIZE MYSELF IN JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL WHEN I WAS 16#because omfg it was 2 months before junior prom and i was worried that i was too masc and wanted to get comfortable with being fem
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#yeah man.. had a few hours of back and forth argument with my friend..idk really if i want to call her that now#but it was an eye opening mess.. it all started with her sending me dreadwolf trailer and i said it's all promises talk#and literally it went downhill from there she claimed that it's been announced like a year ago i said it's been in development for years#it then went to a fandom talk and how she thinks people in fandoms are pathetic and etc bullshit#how being a fan of something is not normal#and being invested in fiction and vgs and fandoms is something ppl with little responsibility do..#man i can't even write out all the stuff she said i genuinely felt so bad after this argument#i don't think i ever want to speak to her again#people having fun in her understanding is pathetic childish and a sign of a person not having enough responsibilities in life??#jfc i never realized just how truly toxic she is...#i mean deep down i did i just didn't want to admit to myself.. her general attitude to people being fans of something is just sickening#i'm determined to not write to her at all unless she reaches out which i doubt#she just shitted on everything despite me trying to expain how fiction can even literally save people#i tried expaining to her why some people are telling other ppl to not buy dreadwolf and pirate instead#i said about the fucked over emplyees of bioware and what she said was#it's a cruel world but idgaf it's business cry me a river - something along these lines#she literally has zero empathy i understand it now#the way she only selectively cares about wars going on in world#i said if people can boycott companies that support wars why cant they also support people who suffer from companies#she said and i qoute 'to compare war to people being fired wow that's something'#i was not comparing i just tried to find empathy in her to no avail#anyways.. i am so dissapointed in her and in myself that i didn't see this sooner#tbd
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my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that#and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending
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Y'know I think I'm starting to truly understand the kids who just didn't do anything in class during middle and high school. As someone who used to be a gifted kid and never really got it. Fucking hell
#ramblings#neg#gee idk maybe when things are hard and explained in ways that are uninteresting and difficult to understand ppl won't want to participate!#who would've thought!#i always had some sympathy for ppl who struggled in school even when they seemed 'lazy' or whatever#but like i never truly got it bc to me most of that stuff was easy!#classes were engaging enough for me and usually easy enough to understand!#i was at a point where i had over a 4.0 gpa when i graduated which is SUPPOSED to mean i'm smart right??#WRONG#I DID WHAT TO ME WAS THE BARE MINIMUM FOR MOST THINGS#I DIDN'T EVEN STUDY EVER BC NOTHING EVER STUCK THAT WAY#IT WAS ALL JUST A GAME OF MEMORIZATION#AND BARELY ANYTHING I LEARNED FROM MY CLASSES STUCK AFTER A COUPLE MONTHS OF NOT GOING TO SCHOOL#ALL I EVER DID WAS GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS#Y'KNOW SOMETIMES IT REALLY IS GOOD TO QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD HUH#SHOULD'VE JUST DONE THAT INSTEAD OF GOING THROUGH THIS SHIT#GOD I AM SO FUCKING TIRED. I DON'T WANT TO THINK ANYMORE#i am. so tempted. to just not do any of my work#but if my mom finds out i will never hear the end of it#i want to sleep. i want to sleep and stop thinking abt this. so so bad
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hm. i've been quiet abt it bc i don't really like being negative on here but honestly the new furby design is. disappointing idk. absolutely nothing against people who like it ofc, and there are def some cute aspects. but it sucks to see that the design is so far removed from original furbies and just doesn't have the same charm idk. the connect was already straying pretty far but honestly i kinda like connects bc the shapes are cute but. idk the 2023 furbs just seem like they're trying to hard to be cutesy and it just feels sort of forced?? if it appeals to kids and young people get to enjoy it that's awesome and honestly that's kind of the point. but i do get why people are unhappy with it. like in regards certain aspects like the eyes the fixed beak & the way it's like. super difficult to take apart bc of the clips and stuff. i can totally see why a lot of customizers especially aren't happy with it. i'm sure lots of people have said the exact same stuff but yeah overall i feel like. relatively neutral to the whole thing idk it's nice to see furbies being produced and sold again and yeah it is cute but i get why people aren't loving it. that said ofc there are people who do love it and that's totally okay. regardless if you love it or hate it what's not okay is people within the community being rude to each other based on whether they like it or not cmon. it's not for everyone but if people do like it that's their business and there's no need to be rude!!! but on the other hand if people have complaints about it they should be allowed to voice that as long as they're not being mean yknow. letting it cause a rift in the community is silly. but anyways
#sorry for the super long post#but yeah these are just some thoughts abt it. idk personally i don't love it it's not for me#but i can acknowledge that other people and kids especially are enjoying it and that's good!!!#i hate being negative on here so i wasn't even gonna voice my opinion on it. but like#i personally do not really like booms n 2012s to be honest. the like digital eye thing and everything idk it's not for me#connects too they're just. not my fave. but honestly they're aesthetically very nice i think?? just not the bluetooth aspect and fart jokes#but idk it does feel like with each new model it gets further and further from the originals and ik ik that's what a redesign IS but#i do kinda wish they went back in the other direction a little idk. there's a reason why 1998s and 2005s are the most popular models#and i truly don't think it's bc they're considered retro or whatever i think it's bc they're a little out there and very unlike other toys#and the whole cutesy rainbow thing is. i totally get why some people love it!!! but you can't rlly deny that it's not really unique#but. idk. i do get both sides of the argument. personally i would have loved smth a little more adjacent to 1998s#that said. a lot of ppl do find 98s creepy and weird so from a sales perspective i get why they might not be. marketable#bc i guess a lot of kids might find them offputting#also correct me if i'm wrong but i think the 2023s have painted on eyes?? which. Don't Like.#didn't love the digital eyes either bc i keep the batteries out so they're just blank for me which is kinda boring#and i don't love the digitization of everything like 😭 idk. so i'm kinda glad they moved away from that#but if they're painted/printed idkkkk. i'm an eyechip girly i think they're great honestly#they're just nice to work with for customizing especially. also keep in mind w my opinions i primarily am a customizer so#i do kinda view it from that perspective#ANYWAY feel free to rb or comment or whatever and lmk ur thoughts. i genuinely do not want to get on here and be negative#or say anything that would upset anyone bc i imagine some anti 2023 furb ppl have probably been pretty nasty#honestly i haven't been online much at all so idk but i can imagine 😭 i ain't wanna come on here and be like BOOOO I HATE IT#i don't hate it tbh i just don't love it yk. but i'm not gonna shit on people who do love it
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I need to meet a version of myself that was never like. forced into identifying as anything. I need to see what that mf uses, I need the powerpoint presentation
#dis.txt#got wizard high earlier 2day as a treat and i realized that my shitty rmte is the 4th or so person#who's tried to be like 'god you're soooo complicated just id as bi!!!!'#and i do truly wonder if i hadn't met any of those ppl if i'd want to use that label alongside my other ones. i do like the history of it#of course this is obviously not me shitting on my bi siblings i love u guys. i've just met some Characters#like the 1st one was pro-neopronouns but also. anti me being anything 'more' than 'just nonbinary'#2nd was just an asshole who liked going 'i know you better than yourself!'#and the 3rd was a bitch from college who also called me 'exotic' for being trans. so. idk what that was all about lol
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#another tag vent session#ivebeen lonely my entire life but sometimes it feels like its swallowed me whole and rn is one of those moment sahah#no ones ever stuck with me for longer than 2 years the only person that did was a friend of 5 years and then one day they told me they#wanted a 'break' from me and said theyd talk again soon and i never heard from fhem again 😁#ican try and forget abt it but god it creeps up on me all ghe time how tf am i supposed to have any semblance of self love when its been#proven to me over and over again how truly impossible it is for. ppl to even tolerate me for extended periods of time#idk what im doing that makes me so unbearable i feel like throwing up#ive always beenand will always remain nothing to ppl and idk how much longer i can keep up the fromt that im content with that#i dont even see the point in trying anymore yknow like theres something fundamentally wrong with me im just doing everyone a favour if i#stay afraid of everything and everyone now#im so cooland awesome everyone love s me 😁
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#mannn i literally assumed he ghosted-- why on earth would he text me after so long????#i was fully like 'ok the last msg i sent literally makes me cringe a bit to read but its been months so ig im never opening the convo again#it was simpler before when there felt like there was nothing else to do and easier to move on. i even had a little crush on someone else !#now i have a whole wheel of decisions to choose from#and idek what i truly want from this guy anymore bc even just platonically he kinda fucked it up like. idk#or rather i want a lot of different things and idk what to choose#i want my friend back. i want to never see him again. i want him to know every truth of what ive felt and i want him to know none of it#i want him to miss me or maybe wonder about me sometimes down the line. i want him to not spare me another thought for the rest of his life#i want to reply only 'go fuck yourself' and i want to write him a letter and i want to ghost him better than he ghosted me#i want to tell him i love him and i want to tell him i hate him and i want to say nothing at all#i want the closure i was denied. i want to protect the closure i now have#<-going insane#anyway its soooo stupid like i already grieved for this shit bro. i accepted the end of this years long close friendship#anyway idk why im doing so much processing of this in a vent post nor do i know why i always feel compelled to post these when i do#good thing i keep a small presence on here lol. but yea uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh send post#ok wait i saved this as a draft and went to go look for what i had been tagging vent posts with#[couldnt find one i had been using consistently even tho the whole point is so ppl can blacklist it if they want whoops!!]#and i saw another vent from another time he just kinda disappeared on me#and while this time was a lot worse for a lot of reasons i think its important to say this--#that the last thing that i want is to go back to square one of this stupid awful cycle#vent
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i’m so fucking tired (physically but also emotionally/mentally) like i don’t even feel like a person rn
#i still have to finish my diary entry for yesterday + i have to do one for today bc once again my life has been insane and like. AUGH#i don’t have the energy to do that right now tho so tmrw night it is i suppose. anyway ummm. i still genuinely truly deeply have no idea#what the fuck i’m supposed to do about the dani (possibly my girlfriend???) situation like i cannot deal with this#like if she just wanted to casual date or whatever i might be fine with it but no she like ACTUALLY likes me and it’s fucking terrifying#and like. oh my god. ok so there’s this new app or whatever idk i hate it but point is you get lame ass questions like who’s the hottest#person or whatever and you have to pick out of the 4 randomized ppl from ur school it gives you#<- like when you download it you pick ur school and then it suggests you people only from ur school yknow. anyway she showed me some of the#ones ppl picked her for (it doesn’t tell you who picked you for what it just says their grade and gender) and anyway what i’m trying to get#at here is that in english class (while we were sitting super close together thighs touching and all) she showed me and one of the ones#someone picked her for was most likely to marry their high school sweetheart and she kinda looked at me and was like hopefully!#and uhhhh. obviously nobody’s talking about fucking MARRIAGE rn and she’s dated plenty of people in high school but STILL#and like. as i’ve said before i genuinely can’t see myself with her in the future and going into a relationship knowing it’ll end just feel#so fucking mean and like a waste of everyone’s time. except i don’t even know if i feel that way anymore or i’m just telling myself that bc#i’m scared of commitment or whatever#fuck!!!!#and of course there’s still my friend (diff person not dani) who i’m genuinely in love with like it’s actually so fucking bad#like i need to **** *** ** ******* *** *** *** **** *****#.txt#fake ex gf#crushposting#this is just a word for word repeat of my last 3 posts on this topic but anyway. the thing is if you asked me to choose between them (crush#and girl who likes me who i also kind of like) i’d pick my friend/crush like it wouldn’t even be that hard of a choice. but there is no#friend vs dani there’s only dani asking me out and like. ughhhhh#i can’t deal with this!!!!!!!!!!#gf
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my most controversial star wars opinion is that i think lux bonteri is not a horrible concept per se but perhaps underutilised
#by underutilised i mean not pointed in the right direction. 2 episodes and 1 4-ep arc is enough for him i think#yes ik hes annoying but it is so fucking funny to me for ahsoka to have that one random friend who definitely went to a prep school#or something and also was literally a separatist until he decided hes going to go rogue now and make the worst choices ever#like either kill the will they wont they early OR cut it entirely and they can be so funny. we are in HOT SPACE what are you DOING HERE#you are going to DIE and the guys like yes thats the plan ^-^ you see ive fallen into business with a very powerful man ahsoka you might#have heard of him. goes by the name of /hondo/. and ahsoka does the biggest fucking sigh ever#cut the kiss cut the bullshit keep the funny. and ahsoka needs more friends her age anyway#anyway i think im just soft on him bc his entry into the show meant a fucking respite from Other Ships I Really Didn't Like In TCW FFNet#(femslash was there but not as big of a presence yet unfortunately)#i dont blame ppl who hate him bc a friend in need is his problematic arc but truly hand me a spanner i can fix him#lesbian and her momentary comp het bestie......she crashed on his couch at least once post order 66#oh and UNFRIDGE STEELA she should have been head of onderon or something. so bullshit#as he is in canon he feels like wasted space for ahsokas character. theres no point in giving her any love interest while shes in the order#and barriss riyo and the s7 gals are all better choices anyway#and you cant pull the 'well some separatists are just normal' card after s3 bc he also wants to kill dooku like. at least be funny!#or try to set up whatever the hell ahsoka does between s7 and rebels! idk man
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hey pretty, I just wanted to tell you that it's not your fics that makes this your blog, it's you!! so don't feel like to be here you have to be "working" or "posting". you're you and I love u for that. really, I love it when you answer asks, you're so polite, gentle and funny, it actually makes us wanna talk to you. but!! if one day this whole thing ever overwhelms you it's okay baby. just wanted to let you know that you alredy give us so much <33 you are amazing in indulging our thoughts, you give us tiktok content and amazing dad headcanons for all the characters!! know you're doing great, you really are active here and we love you 💗❤❤
#cries for literally 100 years#thank you so incredibly much for this anon :(((( truly truly truly#hardly know how to express what i wanna so i have to stay in the tags so i don't end up blubbering all over u adslfjkjasnd#no one has ever ............... said anything like this to me before#at least about ... my content and how active i am and stuff#i always feel like im never doing enough. ALWAYS. even when i post a lot i just wish i could post more#and maybe its just cuz im comparing myself to my old self#but it makes me sad bc i just feel like u all deserve more than whats happening now#and usually im reassured by the fact that like... something IS better than nothing... esp w/ quality over quantity#but at the same time... idk. all my content seems so. rudimentary#so it's like. when i cant produce a lot of it... what am i even doing?#and honestly i think my burnout mostly comes from the fact that im sick of doing homework and the prospects of relaxing this summer#are just too good to give up (making even focusing on this blog hard) BUT IDK#it triggers my performance anxiety... like what if ppl hate me if i do bad... or am not the way i used to be... you know?#anyway thats just mostly to say... I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS. TRULY. i don't think ive ever been complimented this way#and i appreciate it beyond. words.#not sure how im gonna feel in 2-3 weeks after i settle myself for the summer but. as long as u dont mind the fact that im slow...#that's enough for me <3 just need to find my spark again (which is funny cuz im watching bnha s5 rn and its really got me like... HUH)#ajfdjalsjdfj sorry to talk ur ear off tho bc what u said is really so reassuring... i just AHHHH and want u to know i love u lots#forever and ever and ever#ask#anon#caitie chats#fave
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I love how there r certain kinds of art / fic where u see it and ur like . "Ah. You are Mentally Ill"
#speculation nation#yes im counting my own fic in this. of course im counting my own fic in this.#and i mean ultimately you cant TRULY know bc theres more to ppl than what they put out#but theres just. a certain fascination with the morose that i find is typical for Mentally Ill Creators.#but yes i look at my fics. see the hurt/comfort. and every fic tagged with self harm.#and it's just like. yuuuup. yup yup yup. this sure is a manifestation of Something.#and like yea im just channeling the akechi BUT honestly i feel like majority of goroboys r kinda fucked up like no matter what lmfao#NOT ALWAYS of course. some ppl may just think hes cool or whatever#but it's in the like. recognition through the other. seeing the ugliest parts of yourself reflected in this character.#and feeling the pain. the sympathy. the fascination with it all.#you want to see him given something better because you want something better for yourself too#.....OR you want to see him utterly destroyed bc of Uhhhh totally harmless fascination with destruction obviously.#idk a lot of fandom rly isnt that deep. just people enjoying fiction together.#but when you scrounge around areas of Pain and mental illness like this. it really is kinda a lot.#there's a reason why im still here in this fandom. aside from my dedication to completing discacc and my continued like of p5#& it's bc i see myself reflected in him. a younger me perhaps. back when i really was as raw and angry and scared as he is#so it's kinda therapeutic. to make him go through hell and then see him come out running.#and thus: this creator is Obviously Mentally Ill.#ive never tried to deny it lol#self harm ment/
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not doing good. at all
#purrs#today and yesterday ive been unspeakably depressed. and no one knows what to do with me and i don’t know what to do with me. but ivs been ge#getting absolutely SHIT sleep bc of my siblings staying up late and my sisters ocd stuff which is probably part of it. I now im wide awake a#and it’s 2 and im miseravle and can’t sleep and already did sleep for 2 hours and it didn’t help and im hungry and weak#i truly don’t n kw what’s wro ng with me. i want to be happy and normal but every day i have long moments where im trying so hard not to cry#and i think most ppl would excuse themselves to go cry or take a break or like. speak up and ask for help if they’re miserable but i don’t d#do any of that. i just hold it all in until i get so tired it disappears. and then when i do snap im too miserable and ashamed to actually b#be honest about how anyone can help me which only makes me cry more. atp idk what will help. im in therapy now im about to have some time of#km eating food i like even though it’s not the healthiest ive tried resting and getting sleep and whatever. maybe im just not cut out for#any of what im doing and i just need to detach myself from reality even harder than i am already doing apparently. idk nothing im typing is#making sense i just can’t fall asleep now and im so pissed at my siblings and im pissed at my whole family for not giving a shit that im mis#miserable and easily overstimulated by noise bc i could’ve had ghe room downstairs and im still being held hostage by redacted and being#shaken awake to redacted like last night and work is killing me for the dumbest reasons. i literally cannot keep living like this#delete later
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i saw a good post abt how fatphobia comes up in fat peoples sex/dating lives (which I'll probably reblog later, when i have time to add stuff to the tags) but hooooooh boy it did dredge up some stuff for me!!! and now im upset!!!!
#anime life#ive been fat my whole life and it's!!! its been rough!!!!!!#its been traumatic!!!!!#and the fact that it really feels like no one has ever truly desired me and nobody ever will is. ugh.#i wish it werent part of it bc it feels soooo pathetic#and when ive asked ppl for advice about it what ive gotten in response has been almost insulting#thin ppl spending a lot of time telling me how bad they feel for me. how sad hearing about my personal life made them.#a lot of 'have you tried dating a fat fetishist?'#which like. 1. no they dont want me either 2. theres a good chunk of ppl who fetishize fat bodies but still hate fat people#and 3. idk do other marginalized people get that advice?? that actually they should try dating chasers??#i feel like i havent seen it#or i get told i should try dating fat men. like i wouldnt if given the chance????#i love fat men. they just also. historically. dont like me#ive known a lot of fat men who view dating a fat woman (or whatever i am) as disgusting and demeaning!!! at best its 'settling'!!!#god. one bit of advice i got was i should try dating nerdy guys. incredible#once again: they don't want me either!!!!! im TOO nerdy to the point it's off-putting!!!!#YES im a nerd. NO i dont watch mcu stuff. or dcu. or lotr. or star wars. or got. i dont like any of the big things#my main fandom was and always will be a 12 year old free browser game#im wildly unrelatable and i hate most really big tentpole nerd properties. except dnd that ones ok. but ive also written ttrpgs so like.#idk i think im disqualified from being the nerdy gf* people would actually want lol#anyway. its not a big deal i guess#just the kind of advice that makes you feel even more hopeless.#when i think abt it i cant help but laugh..bc i mean. what else can i do lol
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