#and idk maybe i was sad or . stressed because i had to do a bunch of things my mom used to take care of and it was really stressing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bangchansgirlsblog · 3 months

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Ive been imagining this and ik its weird BUT ot8 skz being perv and so obsessed to fem 9th member.. Like they get super jealous and the fem readed being a people pleaser like she cant say no to her friends and cant stand seeing them sad so when the members started to became sexually touchy w her they used that against her and be like "dont u want to see us happy? We've been tired and we just want to relieve some stress.. I thought u can help us.. I guess not" and they pretend to be sad abt it and the reader just felt guilty for not helping her friends so she lets them touch her which led to smut KDNDJFKDJ its weird but idk i die for these kinds of fics

Hands on me?

Warning: Angst, sexual activity, manipulation?

Pairing: polyOT8 x reader.

Summary: Don’t you wanna see us happy baby? They said as they slowly peeled her clothes off.

AUTHORS NOTE: this has been in my requests for a while and I write this when I first started off SO it’s not good at all BUT I’m going to write another one using this same request cause I have another idea AND this was in my drafts for a while so I’m dropping it to clear it.

I hope whoever requested this, enjoys it 🥰

"Baby?!" She heard someone call for her from the living room.

"I'm in here!" She replied. Her hair was up in a pony tail and she was currently wearing shorts and a croptop with no bra on making her look yummy.

She heard a bunch of voices start piling up in the living room meaning that the boys were back home.

A small smile creeped up on her face as she continued to wash up the dishes she had used to cook dinner. She made a big dinner because at the end of the day she was feeding 8 of her boyfriends who were also MEN.

"Hey love," Han walked into the kitchen. His hair was in a hat and he had his normal hoodie and cargo pants on. "Are you feelings better?" He asked while taking a few steps towards her until he towering her. His breathing was heavy probably from the flight of stairs.

"Mmm, yeah. Just been a long day that's all." She sighed and looked up at him. He had a pout on his face making her coo at how adorable the boy was.

"I missed you," he said in between kisses.

"Missed you too momo," he rested his head on her shoulder she continued to finish the dishes.Han was always clingy, not more than Felix but it was more than the other boys, that was for sure.

As she finished up she felt His hands slowly wondering around her body then slowly landing on her ass. oh, makes sense. He was horny.

She did love every interaction with her boys, she really did but today she wasn't in the mood at all. She was tired and she had a horrible headache from work. having sex was not on her to-do list but a nap was.

"Do you want me to take care of you?" He whispered in her ear causing shivers to run down her spine. She was sad because she was going to turn him down and she knew how stressed all the boys were, he just wanted have fun.

"Maybe not right now momo, I'm not in the mood," She told him while finishing the last of the dishes and drying her hands. He pouts and lets out a small whimper.

"Have you eaten yet?" She asked him changing the subject.

"Not yet no," he frowned.

"Okay then sit, let me call the other guys to come eat too," She encourage him, "and don't forget to put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket," She tiptoed and gave him a quick kiss before going to the living room to find only Changbin sat while scrolling through his phone.

He was wearing all black and he had his glasses on. His hair was fluffy and curly meaning today he was in the studio all day.

"Binnie?" She walked and sat by him, "what are you doing?"

"Hey baby," he kisses her temple and then her lips, "I was just lacing up my shoes, what about you? How was your day?"

"I'm tired that's all," she pouted, "and my period is coming soon so I'm breaking out!" she exclaimed and crossed her arms causing him to chuckle.

"I mean atleast you look nice," he dropped his shoe and pulled her close to his body, "you look beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, amazing-"

"Okay, okay I get the point," she roll my eyes playfully.

"Hey? Am I not allowed to praise my beautiful girlfriend?" He playfully frowns.

"You are I geuss," she giggled and he couldnt help but pull her onto his lap.

"Then let me praise you huh?" He kisses her cheek and slowly starts moving down her neck. A small moan leaves her mouth.

"B-Binnie, I'm not in the mood, please," she told him.

"Why not? You're always in the mood," he looks confused.

"Not today, just come have lunch yeah?" she give him a peck on the lips and got off him so he could stand up.

"Fine," he huffs. He makes his way to the dining area as she depart6ed and headed to Felix's room

"Felix?" she called while knocking on his door.

"It's open!"

"Hey sunshine, dinner is ready-"

"Hey! no kisses? No hugs?" He frowned and turned around from his desk.

"Oh-" she giggled when she realized and then walked over to him, "Hey lix," she repeated and gave him a kiss as he automatically pulled her on his lap.

"How's my baby doing?" He asked as his hands wrapped around her waist and he cuddled her body.

"Mm just tired," she sighed.

"Oh my poor baby, should we watch a movie later?" He was craving her. he wanted to spend more time with her because he felt like he had spent so much time with the boys that he was neglecting her.

"Yeah that would be nice but first go get lunch," she forced herself out of his grip but he let out a soft whine due to the lack of touch and well...the bulge that was now very visible through his pants.

"Look what you've done to me," he whined again causing her to laugh at his distraught state.

"Oh oh, you better fix that before you go down,"

"Help me please!" He frowned.

"I'm not in the mood Felix, please."

"Come on pleaseee, it's been a long day. Don't you want to see me happy?"

His eyes were shiny and hungry, it was obvious.

"Fine after dinner," she lied to him so he could get up and he actually believed it.

"Okay okay, I'm running there now!"

He got up from his sit and rushed out the room.

She followed behind him and checked the dining room to see everyone now sitting down including Chan, I.N, Seungmin and leeknow.

She went around to give them quick kisses before returning to her room and changed into just a huge shirt (that was probably for one of the boys) and underwear.

She turned off all her room lights and entered bed now being able to have a peaceful sleep. A nice, nice qui-

She felt the bed dip and hands wrap around her body. Her eyes open quickly and she saw familiar hands. Chan.

"Channie?"

"Hey babe, I wanted to cuddles," he pouted.

"Fine but no disturbing my sleep," she scolded him and turned so it was easier for him to wrap his arms around her waist.

Her eyes slowly closed once again and she finally thought she was to get some sleep until the door swung wide open and closed quickly, two more people walking in and making themselves comfortable in her bed. Han and I.N. At this point she was so used to it that she just let them stay as they both argued on who was sleeping where.

"Guys if you're going to be in here, you have to be quiet and sleep," She told all of them off. Even if she was getting a little frustrated she scooted up a little so they could all enter the bed.

Not even a few minutes later all the boys were now in her room on her bed piling onto one another under her fluffy blankets. She knew exactly what they wanted when she felt one of their hands massaging her leg.

She let out a sigh, "Such horny dogs!" she groaned.

"Common baby, it's been a long day. Don't you care about us?" Hyunjin teased her in a manipulative manner.

"Just a little fun. Come on please," Han rubbed her leg once more back and forth causing shivered to run down her spine.

"You look good too," Felix complimented her while tugging at her bra strap, "really good." They were basically already peeling her clothes off with their cold ass hands.

She let out a sigh and finally gave in, "F-fine I geuss so," her eyes wonder to Chan who gives her an assuring nod.

//please idk how to write a smut but just imagine the nastiest thing ever happens//

When they were done and the boys were satisfied as Y/n sat on the bed. Her heart was racing from all the action but she was in her own space. Spaced out.

The constant thoughts of the boys using her for their sexual desires made her enter a depressive episode. Yes she enjoyed the sex and the attention but so many emotions were running through her tiny body that she couldn't handle it anymore.

She felt used like a sex toy and the tears in her eyes slowly started to build as she started to breath rapidly. The air in the room getting suddenly thick. Seungmin was in the bathroom running her bath for her after care. The sound of the water falling was the only sort of noise she could hear.

She held her knees against her chest as she tried to calm down. Han's hand wrapped around her waist. As he kissed her temple. "you did so good for us, you know that right babygirl?" he praised but she didnt even notice him in the first place. Her eyes were hazy and completely black and when Han noticed, he gave chan a look.

"Hey, are you with us?" Chan asked immediately as he pulled up his sweatpants. "Y/n?"

No response.

She was staring at the wall right in-front of her. She felt unloved. She felt tired. She was in pain.

The boys (some of them were still dressing up) all turned to look at her. Her body was still bare and the bruises on her arms were visible.

"Is she going into a trance?" I.N asked panicked. "Chan do something, please,"

"Hey Y/n? Babygirl? It me. Can you hear me?" He walked over to her and grabbed her tiny hands.

"C-channie?" She chocked as She looked up at him. The tears slowly starting to fall.

"Yes my love, it's me. Can you tell me where you are?"

"I'm alone, I'm all alone," she sobbed. "Why am I like this? Why am I so disgusting?" She cried.

"What do you mean Y/n?" He asked shocked.

"I-I want Binnie, I want Binnie now," she said reaching out for him. Changbin did not hesitate. He was right by her side pulling her onto his lap. The rest of the boys understanding what was going on and quickly taking action.

"I'm here princesses, tell me what's wrong," he had no shirt on and the skin to skin was slowly giving her comfort as his body heat was radiating warmth.

"I-do you love me?" She asked. The panic in her voice was clear. She was soon going to get a panic attack. it was building up.

"Ofcourse I love you babydoll, why would you think otherwise?" He questioned while kissing her forehead.

"i- i dont know, please dont be mad at me," She sobbed in his chest. The view was heartbreaking and the boys knew that if they didnt find a way to cheer her up soon it would end up into a full blown panic attack.

"I'm going to make some brownies for her," Felix said because he knew this was the only way he could comfort her on his part. He quickly leaves the room after hesitating for a bit not wanting to leave her.

"I- are you guys using me? For sex?" She cried harder. Her hands held Changbins chest as She struggled to breathe. Their faces were in absolute shock. was this what they made her think? was this all she thought she was to them?

"Ofcourse not," leeknow knelt down infront of her. He slowly rubbed her thigh. "Jagi, you need to breathe. Can you do that for me?" He asked her. Her body was shaking still. she tried to gasp for air but failed.

"Listen to me beuatiful, you need to breathe like me....see," he took a deep breathe to demonstrate to her but it was no use.

"i- i cant breathe," she gasped and let go of changbin to grab her neck. it felt like it was closing up. Her vision was blurry now and the lack of oxygen was getting to her.

"C-chan?" she gasped as she slowly she started to pass out. Her body giving up on her due to the many emotions.

"come on baby, stay with me," she heard in the distance.

"Guys! call 119,"

***

This is just a fic no one come for me 😔

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perfectlovevn · 1 month

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hi idk how familiar you are with stardew valley gameplay (i am autistic about it and have put in 500+ hours) so feel free to answer these to the best of your ability

what's milo's overall pace like, and how much does he care about progression within the first two years of a run? any crops he particularly likes using? does he prefer cultivating crops or raising animals, or does he like them equally? how good is he at each of the main 5 skills (farming, foraging, fishing, mining, combat)? any villagers he particularly likes? how much does he care about the dating and marriage aspect, and if he does, favorite bachelor/ette? what's he think of krobus? i'm guessing he's the kind of guy to go community center route on every run, but what's he think of joja? what about pierre? the junimos? anything else noteworthy on how he plays the game?

these questions are mostly directed at pre milo but feel free to answer for violence/manipulation if applicable

Hello! I haven’t played Stardew valley in a while (I have however been into Rune Factory and Potion Permit), but I will try to answer your questions.

Milo I think plays Stardew mostly to relax, so he doesn’t stress too much about progression. I think he likes crops that have trellises like grapes, hopps and green beans because he likes the way they look. Otherwise, I think he will plant mostly anything.

He likes raising animals more. I imagine has a bunch of rabbits and names each one of them. He gets sad when he has to sell them. Probably makes little plushies out of them as well when he knits/sews.

I think he’s the best at farming and foraging. Then mining and fishing. He doesn’t like combat too much because he doesn’t like the sound the insect monsters make. If he has to go down there, he tries to go as fast as possible.

I think he likes Evelyn. He likes that she makes him cookies and is kind. I think he would also like George but it might take a bit to warm up to him.

As a romantic, I think he would like the dating aspect. For bachelors, I think he’d like Shane and Sebastian. Shane mostly because he’d probably feel bad about him getting drunk and he likes that he can get blue chickens. Sebastian, he would probably think is very cool and he likes the little frog event that happens. For bachelorettes, I think Emily and Abigail. Emily is probably pretty obvious since she likes making clothes and Milo likes hand crafts, so it kind of just fits. Similar to Sebastian, he’d probably think Abigail is very cool and wishes he could use a sword like her.

He thinks krobus is pretty cute. Would maybe try to make a plush or sew him on something. Definitely community center. Feels kind of wary of jojo mart. Seems okay with Pierre, though is kind of concerned when he doesn’t want to show his wife his stash. Loves junimos. Thinks they’re adorable. I think also he would spend a lot of time decorating his house. It will be filled with a lot of plushies that’s for sure.

Violence and Manipulation probably don’t play as much, but I don’t think their taste would change all that much from Pre Milo.

Phew that was a lot. I had to do some research since it really has been a while since I played stardew.

#perfectlovevn #male yandere #yandere #yandere boy #yandere vn #milo asks #about milopre

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death-himself · 3 months

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alright episode 7 thoughts, i don't know how to feel about this episode because it had both my favorite changes so far and my least favorite

procrustes' outfit was fucking VILE, it was godawful but so perfect, and honestly good casting too I think

I feel mean saying this, but does crusty's actor naturally look like that or was it makeup, because his wrinkles seem at least a bit exaggerated or maybe I'm just not used to old people looking old on tv

ok the waterbed looked cool, but I'm so mad they didn't kill him. It's probably another way to get around disney censorship but come on live a little

also the entrance to the underworld being in his mattress shop?? are you fucking serious

this is the first change that I've actually hated, like what the fuck

the entrance being in a record shop is funny and it makes sense because records/vinyl are sort of a dying fad, what's the reasoning behind the entrance being in a mattress shop???

I didn't really have many expectations for the crusty scene because it's not much of a thing in the books, but damn did that whole part annoy me

annabeth giving grover the stress ball was funny and made sense though, considering she couldn't have gotten it from waterland, and honestly her getting it from there doesn't really make sense in the first place

more about the earlier flashback, I have some thoughts about sally's characterization but I'll save it for later in this analysis

I get that all the dead lined up outside the wall makes more sense mythologically, but I'm too in love with the thought of having to sit in a record shop turned waiting room for eternity, it's just too funny to me

we didn't get charon's characterization :( I love charon in the books, I'm sad about that, justice for charon

the way cerberus just fuckin NOMMED grover, I don't think percy and annabeth freaked out enough about that, because I was freaking the fuck out

also I loved how they mentioned annabeth's dog as a kid, like that's how they should've been doing more of the exposition in previous episodes

having it be more of a background thing made it feel like a thing for the characters between the characters, instead of for the audience's sake

"it's in the dog" THAT HAD ME CACKLING he said it so dramatically with the dramatic music but it sounds so stupid I was dying repeating it to myself for so long

I LOVE what they did with the fields of asphodel, it was so creepy, and the implication that all the trees used to be people, it's so much creepier than just a bunch of people wandering around

I feel like it's a concept that's been done before somewhere, but I don't care, it's a cool concept

and then annabeth being rooted down by her regret, I feel like there should've been some beats between that and her explanation of the roots, but half hour episode, I've gotten used to the bad pacing by this point

also I'm assuming the regret has to do with running away from home? since her dad and their dog were mentioned and that's a whole thing in the book

maybe because athena's shown that she doesn't give a shit about annabeth, annabeth wants to give it another try with her dad? idk I'm just trying to think of what works logically tv series-wise

I didn't expect her using the pearl there, but honestly I think it works just fine, i have no complaints about that

percy and grover's interaction when they saw the bolt was so funny

and ok, I know they were gonna save percy's mom no matter what, but things have changed now that the solstice has passed. Zeus is already gathering an army so why aren't they rushing??

i think how they could've fixed that is have grover take the bag to bring it back to zeus, then have percy go on his own to save his mom. then maybe when he comes back to the beach ares is already there and attacking grover and annabeth or something

grover didn't do anything when talking to hades so I just think that could've worked better

OK NOW ABOUT THE FLASHBACK I...don't like how they handled sally being a mom

yes, being a mom is tough and I like that they're showing that, but when your kid asks you "why are you trying to get rid of me" you don't fuckin kiss them and walk away! that causes issues!!

I know that she didn't want to cry in front of him, I understand why she was hurt by that, but you don't just leave after your kid asks that! especially with how young percy was, she needed to reassure him that she's not trying to get rid of him

am I not seeing something here?? is that just my own trauma ringing through or something?? that was such a horrible move like oh my god, I was waiting the whole episode after that for her to go back and apologize or explain or SOMETHING, but we didn't get that

now I understand that line from an earlier episode about loving each other so much when you can only ever hurt each other, but damn

also final thought about sally, the woman playing her has a gorgeous side profile, I'm gonna draw it someday

anyway, hades's palace looks nothing like how I imagined it, I don't hate it, I just prefer my version way more mostly because I like Nico being like an actual prince in there

I hated Hades's new characterization for the first like 5 minutes, then I realized that he acts kinda like a confident Nico and that's funny

also I feel like this characterization makes him stand out more, it's very different from any other interpretation of Hades in media

at the same time it reminded me a bit of Hades in class of the titans, and that interpretation pisses me off to no end so...

but yeah, I still prefer book!Hades, but tv show!Hades is interesting so I like him

it really feels like the production crew figured out how to 3D print statues and Rick was like "that's cool, let's use statues whenever possible," there are so many damn statues in this show lol

"it's all candy canes and rainbows down here, I'm doing just fine" with the gloomy-ass wide shot and thunder in the distance, that's funny

with hades seeming to be the only one of the gods who's actively recognized how toxic the godly family is, it makes me curious how they'll handle his relationship with Nico if we ever make it to seasons 3 or 4

because his relationship with Nico is one of the better ones among godly parents, but it's not really the best in terms of parents, so I think they'd end up having to change a few things

the way sally summoned poseidon felt like a reversal of giving an offering at camp. she gave the fire to the food instead of the food to the fire. there's a meaning behind that, but I don't know how to articulate it

I was so certain that was poseidon walking up to percy, and then it turned out to be annabeth and I felt so dumb lol

but that means poseidon might be making an appearance to help percy in the fight against ares! right, maybe? i think it'd be cool

with how little percy's actually fought in the tv show, and with the exclusion of his training at camp, him beating ares without A LOT of help isn't gonna be satisfying, so we'll see

that little teaser with percy and luke going into the forest under the fireworks has me so excited

i feel like a lot of people have already said this, but I think all of the actual issues with the show are disney's fault. the censorship is just a small part of that, but the amount of episodes and their length was probably decided by disney, and that's really hurting the show.

yes, i have issues with the writing and the direction rick's taken with the series. but I definitely wouldn't have as many issues if disney allowed them more time each episode to expand on what they're going with. i saw someone say that an 8 episode series used to be called a miniseries and honestly, a miniseries isn't enough for an entire book to make it feel complete

anyway, with that all out of the way, I'm still enjoying the series, I had much fewer complaints about this episode than last episode, and honestly, all of my real complaints from this episode aren't gonna play a part in later seasons if we get them, so I'm alright with that

#pjo #percy jackson #pjo disney+#pjo tv show #pjo spoilers #percy jackson spoilers #pjo disney+ spoilers #pjo tv show spoilers #was a little late to this one bc I straight up forgot it was tuesday #someone please tell me they agree with my thoughts on sally #it feels wrong to say that i don't like something sally did

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clare-with-no-i · 6 months

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20 questions for fic writers

Thank youuu @isahorcrux for the tag! it's been so long since I did one of these omigoddddd

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

37!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

392k. a bit crazy that the next chapter of theogony will put it over 400k. wauw!!!!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

publicly? Harry Potter and Percy Jackson. privately? I have an entire folder on my laptop called 'other shit' which is just one-shots for about fifteen different fandoms which I will never publish <3

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

god. this is really making me look at my statistics page which I actively try not to do lol. but it's one long day, I will carry you, color theory, foreigner's god, and growing pains. what can I say, the ppl love the they lived AUs!

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to but I'm terrible about it which is a personal failing. I am so sorry. a new strategy that helps with this is that with my WIPs I try to respond right after the next chapter is posted so the person gets a nice lil notif and they have something else to read!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

oh hmmm. I guess the derelict art of letting go ending was angsty, but the whole thing was angsty. the end was bittersweet. maybe Invictus? ok new problem is I can't remember what I've written

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

foreigner's god! it's always clare why did you write all of that sad stuff into foreigner's god clare why did you write their deaths in such brutal detail clare I made my roommate read this and now she won't stop crying blah blah and it's never hey clare thanks for that nice ending scene where they're just married and lying in bed and vibing!!!!!!!!!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

yeah I do and I think under viking law I'm legally permitted to fistfight the commenters!!!!!!!!!!!! step up cowards!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. Do you write smut. If so, what kind?

god. lmao. yes I do! not often, though, I'm afraid. I tend to write an extremely narrow niche which is just exorcising trauma through sex and personal intimacy. I have no chill :)

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

no I actually usually dislike crossovers lol. like theogony is a fusion of the outlander premise but I can assure you that James Alexander Malcom MacKenzie Frasier will not make an appearance. crossovers stress me out and I like to keep my little fictional words separate, if I can. ok edit: on further review I've concluded that I enjoy premise swaps (these are just AUs lol), but I can't deal with characters from multiple pieces of media interacting. it's too much. stay in your lanes, my god. this isn't super smash bros.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not a whole fic but someone basically copy and pasted a bunch of lines from NAR into their story and then a bunch of drama ensued. it sucked and I don't like looking at NAR because it reminds me of it. I still think about the anon who told me about it, though. they were so lovely and so caring and kind to me. I hope they're doing well.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! both with my permission and without. ha ha.

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

babes I can't even finish the stories that I'm writing by myself

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

percabeth or zelink! or any doomed/short-lived/five seconds of screen time couple in a tv show or book. seriously idk why but I always fixate on the less important characters

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I renounce this question in the name of christ. amen.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I exist not with writing strengths or weaknesses but instead a secret third thing (stupidly recognizable style)

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

see above

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I actually have a WIP where James lives in Spain to play quidditch and he speak Spanish in it :) eso me asusta mucho pq no he practicado mi español hace muchos años pero…sea lo que sea

19. First Fandom you wrote for?

percabeth! my ffnet account is still out there somewhere with ~four percabeth stories that are terrible :) just very bad :) no good :) horriblé :)

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

theogony or foreigner's god! or suze's bday fic but that's because I have never tailor-made something for someone quite like that fic and she was so sweet about it eye can't deal

tagging my internet wife @thequibblah bestie...knocking at ur door...standing outside with an edible arrangement...

#clare is tagged #this was s'cute tysm isa!

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yeslieutenant · 2 years

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Newly Presidential - Chapter 1

Series Warnings: Violence, Gore, Swearing, Slow Burn, Smut eventually, Guns, Attempted Kidnappings, Character Injury, Bombings, more if I think of them

Chapter Warnings: mention of a gun, swearing, stress, SLOW BURN TENSION IDK, Jason is a dick and not in a fun way, arguing, messy apartments, Jason mentions an insecurity without realizing it, mentions of a terrorist organization, comforting dad Salim, mentions of an unnamed medical condition. If I missed anything, please let me know.

Word Count: 2.7K

“I’m your father, Y/N.” The words smash against my skull, and it feels as if they are now bouncing around in my brain, colliding with the nerves that allow me to speak. My throat is bone dry, and it squeezes painfully. A hand lands on my shoulder, and I feel my head turn, almost on its own, to look at the owner. Salim is there again, doing his damnest to make me feel as safe as possible. President Roberts- or dad, I guess- is looking at me like I am about to shatter into pieces at any moment, so to fill the silence, he begins speaking.

“I know this came out of nowhere, and I’m sorry. But we had to get you when we did because-”

“Because of the men who attacked me?” I find my voice finally and realize the only things I have said to him tonight have been “Holy shit” and now cutting him off. I panic for a brief moment, my eyes dropping to the floor, almost in shame before I hear laughter. My head whips back up abruptly to find President Roberts laughing.

“You sure do catch on fast. Just like your mom,” he says, admiration and affection present in each sound. “You have her eyes.” Just like she said. Maybe this is actually real.

“I kinda have to. I was just grabbed by a bunch of people in suits,” I say with my own chuckle. Salim removes his hand- I feel it slip off of my back- as my father places his hand where Salim’s vacated, leading me over to a plush-looking couch. It’s at that moment I realize all 5 of these agents are still openly staring at us, well, me. As if waiting for me to break down and cry like a baby. The jury’s still out.

“Y/N, I’m going to be real honest with you. We received a letter 3 days ago from a known terrorist organization, telling us of your existence, followed by numerous threats to your life. We’re lucky Agent King and his team were so quick to discover your identity and find you.”

“What would be the point in threatening my life? You didn’t even know about me,” I ask, the last part mumbled.

“Because as soon as I saw your name, I knew you were Olive’s. That woman had her heart set on the name Y/N from the moment I met her. The last name solidified it.” He sounds so sad when he talks about mom, his eyes finding a point in the distance and focusing on it. She never did tell me what happened between them. President Roberts shakes his head as if willing himself out of his own mind. “Anyways, I knew we needed to protect you. Unfortunately, protection will be a necessary precaution from this point forward. With your life on the line, and the threats coming from a known terrorist organization that has had successful strikes before, we can’t take any chances. Agent King and his team are the best of the best; I’ve hand chosen them to keep you safe.” The way he speaks with such pride about this team, I breathe a sigh of relief. He stands, gesturing to Eric before I speak, suddenly an all-consuming anxiety grips me by the throat.

“Wait, will I need to quit school?”

“No, Ms. L/N. We’ve already cleared all the staff at your university.”

“What about the students?”

“We’ll have an agent accompanying you to each class, to and from the safe house.” Wait.

“Safe house? I can’t stay at my apartment?” I ask. This is all so different.

“It would be possible to secure your apartment, but it will make our jobs that much harder,” Eric says, a small frown on his face. His jaw clenches, and I reserve to just go with what they ask before my father speaks up.

“Make it secure, Agent King. She needs to retain some sense of normalcy, and being in her own apartment will allow for that.” Eric nods solemnly.

“Yes, Mr. President.”

“What about extracurriculars? I’m writing a musical with my writing group right now.” Suddenly there is a deep chuckle, stomped out just as fast as it appeared before Eric speaks again, his eyes trained on the agent Salim told me was named Jason.

“Something funny, Agent Kolchek?” Eric’s voice is firm, yet faltering slightly.

“Ms. L/N, with all due respect, you’re gonna need to quit that.” His voice is deep, filled to the brim with a thick southern drawl you can’t find anywhere here in DC. It completely disarms me for a moment, my eyes locking with what I now can tell are a deep hazelnut brown. They would look so good in the sunlight. Like warm amber. Then his words hit me, his tone matching that which a parent uses with a petulant child. “We can't verify every student that participates in your little theater club, and we sure as hell aren’t going to force an agent to sit through a writing session just so you can dick around with your friends.”

“Agent Kolchek. That’s enough.”

“Someone needs to be honest with her, sir,” he defends, his hands coming up in mock surrender.

“She won’t be quitting anything, Agent Kolchek,” Eric says, lacking its previous falter. His eyes are staring at Agent Kolchek’s, challenging the man. Agent Kolchek’s eyes drop to the floor as he folds his hands in front of himself, choosing to raise the white flag instead of firing back. This time. It’s hard to miss the burning fire behind those iris’.

“Yes, sir.”

The conversation has turned tense due to Agent Kolchek’s outburst, and Eric rolls his eyes before looking back at me.

“All of us will be in the rotation to keep eyes on you at all times, but only one agent will be with you essentially 24/7, staying in your apartment with you, going to class with you, the works,” he explains, and I nod quickly. “I was going to assign Agent King, but with a recent medical condition she has had come up, I ended up having to shift some plans.” I definitely don’t miss the mumbled ‘but now I’m doubting even that choice’ that leaves his lips, his head lowering slightly, as if he didn’t want me to hear the words he practically spoke to my face. “Agent Kolchek will be your personal secret service agent, Ms. L/N.

Two resounding ‘What?!’s echo through the small room, and I recognize one of them as my own voice, the other Agent Kolchek’s drawled one.

“Sir, surely there is another option-” Agent Kolchek asks, and it’s hard not to recognize the fire burning in his eyes again, but Eric ignores him in favor of continuing to keep his gaze on me, and his eyes practically beg for forgiveness.

“Ms. L/N, despite his unpleasant behavior today, I assure you, Agent Kolchek is the best of the best. He’ll keep you safe.” Eric pauses, the gears turning in his mind before he turns to address Agent Kolchek. “This is your job, Agent Kolchek. Your team and the president are trusting you with Ms. L/N, or now, The First Lady,” Eric emphasizes ‘the First Lady’ and the words sink in like a punch to the gut. I am the First Lady of the United States of America. I feel panic swell in my chest. There are people who are trying to kill me. I am the First Lady. My. Father. Is. The. President. My vision goes blurry for a moment, and I feel my knees buckle underneath me. Agent Kay I think, rushes forward, a hand resting behind me on the off chance I fall.

“I’ve got you, ma’am,” he says, with a small reassuring smile. “Ms. L/N, please don’t stress yourself out. Why don’t you sit down, and we’ll go over everything else, and then Agent Kolchek will take you back to your apartment.” I nod, Agent Kay’s hand guiding me to the plush couch once more, and as soon as I’m sitting, I speak again, albeit much quieter.

“You can call me Y/N. No more Ms. L/N, please, especially if I’m putting my life in your hands.” This draws smiles out of all of the agents around me. All except Agent Kolchek.

*****

It’s dark by the time Agent Kolchek leads me to a dark black SUV, walking straight to the driver's side and hoping in. I pull myself into the tall vehicle, buckling my seatbelt as Agent Kolchek puts it into reverse and backs us out of the garage. The drive is silent, and I lean forward, pressing the power button on the radio, and some catchy new pop song lightly filters through the speakers. I hum along quietly, almost as if I’m worried about drawing his attention back to me. My eyes glance over at Agent Kolchek, scanning his features discreetly as he drives. His fire-like eyes are glued to the road, and I notice his fingers are tapping to the beat of the music. More of his dark brown strands have escaped the gelled-back look, shifting with each movement of his head. Suddenly, he speaks without looking at me.

“Didn’t your mama teach you it’s rude to stare?” My cheeks flare up in heat, further proving my comparison of him to fire as I tear my eyes away.

“I was just-”

“I’m fuckin’ with ya. You’ve had a shit day.” His use of language throws me off, but it’s a comforting disturbance. He’s talking to me like a person, not some boss.

“You kiss your mama with that mouth, Agent Kolchek?” The comment is out of my lips before I can stop it, and a smirk stretches across my lips. He finally looks at me for a brief second before his eyes land back on the road. He has dimples when he smiles.

“This is gonna feel a hell of a lot longer if you are mouthy like that, Ms. L/N.”

“I told you, it’s Y/N,” I say, eyes still trained on him. The streetlights occasionally cause a ray of yellow light to cross over his features, and I try to capture it to memory. This would make a great book. His features shift, as if he’s suddenly sucking on a tart lemon.

“With all due respect, but we’re not friends Ms. L/N. Your safety is my job. I’m not here to be your new bestie,” the words are spoken, but they feel like harsh whips, and I turn away.

“Okay,” I reply, resting my chin on my palm, watching as the empty buildings and glowing street lamps pass by us. The conversation dies from that point on, both of us sitting in silence until he pulls into the parking lot of my apartment. The pavement is wet, squishing under my sneakers. I pull out my key, slide it into the lock, and turn it before I hear Agent Asshole’s voice behind me.

“Building seems safe. Takes a bit to get your key out and it’s pretty damn easy to duplicate a key, but other than that.”

“We’ve never had any issues,” I say, my feet beginning to ache in anticipation of resting them.

“First time for everything, Ms. L/N.” His words cause a spike of anxiety in my heart, and I yank the door open, turning into the staircase and marching up the carpeted steps. Ms. Juniper must be diffusing rose essential oil again because, by the time I reach the 3rd floor, the smell is almost overpowering. We reach my cheap door, and I open it quickly, throwing it open and beginning to walk in. Agent Asshole grips my arm, quickly pulling me behind him as he steps forward, his gun raised.

“You leave your lights on?” I rub the back of my neck with a guilty chuckle. He turns, gun pointing safely at the floor as he looks at me with a look that screams ‘what is wrong with you?’

“I usually get back when it’s dark.”

“So you leave the lights on?” I shrug. No point talking about my issues with the dark. It’s a childhood fear I just never quite grew out of. Agent Asshole rolls his eyes impatiently before walking in. He stops in his tracks when his eyes land on the living room. “Tell me someone broke in. Tell me you don’t live in this.” There are papers scattered all around the coffee table and couch, and my laptop rests on the edge of the coffee table as well, its white glowing light illuminating the couch behind it. Dishes are in the sink, but thankfully, I don’t think he’s noticed those yet.

“I’m rarely home. Those papers are all my writing papers.”

“You have that much homework?” The look he gives me is incredulous, as if he’s surprised.

“No, they are writing papers.” I say, trying to push as much venom into my words as possible, stomping into the room. I push the laptop closed with a audible snap, and the crinkle of papers fills the room as I collect my scattered documents, shoving them into a folder haphazardly before throwing them onto the bookcase.

“What, you some kind of writer?” His words feel less like a question, and more like some sort of accusation, so I shrug nonchalantly, tears stinging in my eyes. Come on. You don’t cry over shit like this, Y/N.

“This is the guest room in here,” I mumble, gesturing to the door to the left of the couch. “My room is this one.” I point my thumb over my shoulder, notifying him of my room’s presence.

“And that last door?” I turn, my eyes landing on the cracked door before I back turn to him, irritation laced deeply into the color of my eyes as I speak.

“That, Agent Kolchek, is my murder dungeon.” The sarcasm drips from each word, and I ensure that the end of the sentence is punctuated with a harsh eye roll. He glares back at me, showing off what must be his resting bitch face. “It’s the fucking bathroom, Kolchek.”

“‘kay.”

“I’m going to bed. Or do I need to ask for permission to do that too?” I snap, and Agent Asshole is quick to respond.

“Hey, cut the attitude. I didn’t ask to be assigned to your childish ass.”

“Childish? How am I the one being childish here? You flip a tit when you find out you’re stuck with me, you insult my apartment, and now you’re calling ME childish?” All of the stress, panic, and shock drains from my pores as I yell, every emotion I had bottled up leaking from my eyes in the form of burning hot tears.

“Yes! You are being childish! You should have gone to the safe house, you should have dropped out or gone to a completely online program, and, to top it all off, you should have at least given up on your stupid little club!” he pauses, his hands balled into tight fists at his sides. “So yes. I am calling you childish.” I step forward into his space, so close I can smell his earthy cologne, like pine and amber, looking up at him as he looks down, and it’s then that I notice that our noses are inches away from brushing together.

“You, Agent Kolchek, know nothing about me. And you know what they say about assuming.” I practically spit, my vision flooding with an angry fog, tinged red. My eyes hold his, daring him to make another comment, my jaw squeezing almost painfully tight. When he remains silent, albeit without breaking eye contact, I turn on my heel, striding into my bedroom. I press the door shut calmly, refusing to slam it like a moody teenager, further proving him right. My back presses against the door and I feel my legs buckle as the sob that has been building all day finally releases, drowning me in my own tears. I drop to the floor, and broken cry ripping free. He’s right, isn’t he?

*****

Bonus Jason POV:

Maybe I took that shit a bit too far? I step toward her closed door, fist raised and ready to knock, but I drop it to my side futily after a moment of hesitation. I shake my head before walking into the guest room. Don’t get attached, Jason. She’s just the First Lady. That’s all she is.She’s also the most gorgeous woman you’ve ever seen, especially with that fire in her eyes. I close the door to the bedroom and those thoughts. Don’t. Get. Attached.

*****

Tags: @kawaiiwitch224 @yellowroseskolchek @house-of-kolchek @lorebite @buttermykolchek @kassiekolchek22

#jason kolchek fanfiction #jason kolchek #house of ashes #jason kolchek x reader #house of ashes fanfic

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rianafying · 2 months

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hinge is so fucking stupid. dating apps are stupid. people on there are great sure but like i hate online dating. it’s so stupid. idk why im so angry about this. oh yeah it’s cause it gets so overwhelming to reply to everyone. like i don’t wanna reply to anyone. i feel like im being trampled on in a crowd. it’s too loud and it’s too many noises. i just wanna go on a walk and not be scared of running into my crush. mff was fucking amazing, but i’m still recovering from my hangover after the open bar at the stupid VIP lounge. like idk how i got so drunk so fast off of 4 tiny glasses of prosecco. other people had 9 drinks and were still fine, and i was stumbling. at some point in the night it got so fucking sweaty and dense w people, my glass slipped from my hand, cause of the condensation and sweat, it didn’t break but the drink spilled onto the floor. i tried cleaning it up but felt so bad for doing that. like i don’t usually get drunk drunk. maybe cause i haven’t had drinks in a while? idk man. i’m still recovering from the long weeks at mff and all the people i met and it was wonderful and exhausting and i have turned my assignments in amidst all the chaos. i should be happy but i am weirdly super miserable. like i even have money in my bank account now. a decent amount. which is so rare, because normally i have between 10 and 20 dollars to survive the week till my next payment. anyway, things are good. i’m just annoyed. i don’t feel too good. a bunch of things triggered a lot of my childhood trauma recently and i was bawling my eyes out like a child for the full 45 minutes i was in therapy yesterday. maybe i’m annoyed because i have a crush. and they kinda seemed interested in me too? which was surprising. but i’m not gonna see this person probably ever again. because in this city you don’t get to meet the same people twice. and i’m a dumbass. and i flipped a coin. anyway. today i ate a bit more than i should have. but it’s cause i was super hungry all day. and confused and overwhelmed. it’s crazy how much work and studying i do for someone who is so mentally ill. god i’m just limping my way through life but i’m actually catching up? this is success. this is how i had hoped things would turn out. this is what i prayed to god would happen. it’s happening. and yet for some reason i’m still not happy. maybe it’s cause my room is still really messy and that’s a big source of shame and guilt for me, along with it physically making life harder for me because i lose things and trip over the clutter and can’t have friends over. at least the bugs are gone. i didn’t even do anything, they just left. by themselves. how polite. anyway yeah so my messy room. and some of my loved ones are sad. and it’s just a little complicated with some people in my life at the moment. but it’s one of those things that naturally get resolved in time. there’s an inspection at my house in 2 days time. i know it’s going to be a stressful process for me but im going to do my best to clean up my room earlier so that i dont lose sleep and have a full on panic attack the morning of.

i feel like i’d be a lot calmer once my room situation is dealt with. one step at a time. for example, i don’t struggle with laundry anymore since i figured out a system that works for me. same with taking out the trash. and i assume it will be the same for cleaning. it’s just a matter of doing it well enough times so that i believe i can do it again, and that it doesn’t have to be so unpleasant and stressful if i don’t leave it all for one day and spread it out over a few days. this is going to be okay. i am going to be okay. and my health is looking better even though i haven’t taken care of my body in the last one week due not having the time, but i can easily go back. i’m not at square one, ill be restarting at a decent state this time so it’ll be easier and faster to get to health now. i should make a proper to do list. time to ease back into life and everyday chores. it’s all every difficult while it’s happening but it’s much better when it’s done. also with the difficulty starting, cause of the lack of dopamine and serotonin in my brain. but i can make it work. things are going to be fine. i am actually fine. the angels were right. i DO know how to figure it out.

costar says “Don’t start the fight. Whatever you have to say, write it down, crumple it up, and burn it. Today, anger is as clarifying as it is destructive. Your limbic system responds to an accumulation from a lifetime of conflict. Don’t give this one that kind of power.” - while anger can provide clarity by highlighting underlying issues, it also has destructive potential. the limbic system, the part of the brain associated with emotions, reacts to accumulated unresolved conflicts that can trigger intense emotional responses. the advice is not to let anger have too much power over me, implying the importance of managing emotions constructively.

Your desire to change this month depends on your ability to get in touch with your body. This is no small feat for a person who can let their need for stability stunt relationship growth. Cultivate your attraction to relationships that feed you. You have a desire for indulgence in your romantic or creative life. There will be a chance opportunity that affects your natural drive for action. Try to be more adaptable than you usually are right now. Pursue the things you want.

This opportunity will see its beginnings in significant relationships where they meet with the ways you find joy. Keep an eye on projects you share with your partner, an affair, or a casual relationship becoming more serious.

Whether it’s fate or chance, now is the time to take advantage of anything that seems too good to be true.

okay maybe this is good advice. i’m more open to getting rejected as long as i’ve put myself out there. you know when they say you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. it’s true. i’ve been so much happier since i started taking risks. life is not about being as safe as possible. gotta put myself out there, gotta believe in good change. gotta accept that if i want to be happier i have to accept happiness when it comes my way. when im scared i only want stability and smooth sailing, but i realise im happier when i’m trying to step outside of my comfort zone and grow. i am capable of more but i can’t do more if i stay stuck at home from fear of the unknown. this is all getting a little too vague for anyone who doesn’t live inside my head. i’m gonna go take a walk soon. i deserve a good walk.

#personal #journal entry

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bouncehousemortgage · 2 months

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It's been over a month now since I broke up with my partner of nearly 8 years, you'd think that I'd feel something about that. But I just don't. I was angry and relieved at first, never really sad. But now I just don't feel any particular way about it. Idk I never know exactly, like feelings come and go and I don't have any particularly strong feelings about my feelings? And I never really know, like sometimes I get asked about anxiety and if I have anxiety, and I'd say no not in the clinical sense. Like, I have anxieties but it's not like it really gets to me that much. I get anxious about how I might appear to someone else, I feel sometimes like someone else is going to think that I'm anxious because I'm really twitchy and shaky all the time, and I never know if I'm doing eye contact right, and I guess those things make me a little anxious but it's not like that stops me from socializing? I'm anxious to succeed in the things I do, like, I want to do it right and do a good job but is that even anxiety really? Sometimes I stress that my work isn't good enough or I kind of slack off and then I worry about that, but I feel like that's nothing to write home about. Or like, am I depressed right now? I don't feel particularly depressed, but my sleep is all fucked up and I don't feel like doing anything. But then also a bunch of stressful things have happened recently, so it makes sense that I'd have some trouble sleeping.

Idk, I think part of my solution to feeling terrible in high school was just to stop thinking about it. Like literally, if you feel bad just find some other way to feel. But maybe I went too far and now I don't think about it enough?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm even queer and that's the stupidest thing I think about regularly. Like, I wonder sometimes if I'm actually straight, or I wonder if I'm really a lesbian, or if I'm ace or what. And it's so dumb, I don't need to know. Why would I need to know that? It doesn't matter at all. Stuff just happens and then I react to it, and I can think of nothing more inconsequential and meaningless than whether or not I'm really queer or what variety of queer.

And that's not even something I care about. Like, I only end up thinking about it so much because I listen to other people talk about it and it seems important to them, so then I wonder why it's not important to me I guess. Same thing with, like, personality types or traits or whatever. Like it's not something I usually care about or think about and then someone will mention it or they'll say "I'm X kind of person" or whatever, and then I wonder why I don't care about that or like how is it that I don't know or think about this? I do a lot of introspection, but mostly about, like, whether I approve of my conduct or what I think about X, Y, Z.

I've had to do that one personality test a couple times for class stuff and it always says INFP, but it doesn't make sense to me. I think the questions are stupid and I don't think the results it gives are meaningful. And I say this and then someone will say that you have to be really honest when you answer the questions, but if I'm honest then too many of my answers would be "it's circumstantial" or "it depends" and that's not a good answer, but how can you give good answers to such lousy questions? Now it says I'm INFJ-T, and like, idk I don't like how binary this test is. Either I'm thinking OR feeling? Intuitive OR observant?

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shadowbrightshine · 4 months

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I was looking for a name of an old teacher from my sophomore diary and I was very, very unhealthy with how I talked to myself. tw for me beating myself up and downplaying my anger. I found the time I had an autistic meltdown at school in a class I hated. A bunch of kids were purposefully triggering my movement tics and making it hard for me to write or type because of it.

Luckily by the end my mother set straight my theology. I'd been beating myself up about being angry and how God wouldn't want me to hate them. (I'm a Christian) She explained what Righteous anger actually is and that I wasn't sinning by being angry at them.

Not to also fandom tag but half of this sounds like something I could imagine Grace Chasity writing. Or my au of Tim. I was so stressed and upset. I'd never used a diary before and I had a mix of saying my feelings. Being dramatic, and bullying myself for what I wrote down in my private diary.

I have many moments in the diary like this, with me beating myself up and then making fun of myself, telling myself I'm just being dramatic and trying to get attention. When no one was reading but me. And the problem is I have a writer's mind, so for all I know I was playing it up, but this is how I felt. And that's what's important. I don't even know where this intense self deprication came from, because my parents are supportive and kind.

Idk, but it makes me sad to think about sophomore me writing this. I'm glad mom explained the actual theology to me though. Because I'd wrongly thought a few things about my Christian life and it was used, by me, to bully myself even further. I was still toxicly positive. Less so than when I was young, but it wasn't gone. I'm not saying it's completely gone now either.

Though I was justified in my anger towards those kids. I spent half an hour trying to work without trouble and they kept doing it because they thought it was funny to see my tics. It was really mean and really gross to do to anyone.

Transcript of the text for screen readers. sorry everyone for the long post please don't let it discourage you from reblogging it.

It’s 7th and 6th was a nightmare! The boys found out I twitch when people drag their computers over the table to make a screeching noise and they did it for half an hour. It was on purpose, I could hear them snicker every time my neck twitched sideways or my hands spasemed. I almost threw my book at them like 3 times on pure reflex. I eventually shouted at them to stop.

“Isn’t it funny making the autistic girl twitch!? I can hear you laughing every time my neck goes sideways or my hands twitch! It’s so funny to watch her unable to type because her hands shake too much! How funny right??” I think that’s what I said. Or something like that my head was spinning because I was so mad.

The teacher moved them back a row and me forward a row. I’m grateful but I shouldn’t need it! People should be decent enough to NOT PROVOKE THE MENTALLY HANDICAPPED GIRL ON PURPOSE AND LAUGH ABOUT IT!!!

I hate them.

It’s not Godly, it’s not right to, but I hate them right now.

I hate (name), I know it’s him but I can never prove it so no consequences for any of the stupid boys. They can keep finding things that make me annoyed and do it over and over to make me react, and I keep trying to not react. I try, I last 30 minutes, and then I can’t do it anymore!

For months. I’ve been doing this for months. I’m sure this was just a bad day for me, maybe I’m more sensitive today.

I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT!!! I SHOULD BE TREATED LIKE A NORMAL PERSON AND NOT TORTURED FOR THEIR ENTERTAINMENT!

Sure I’m probably exaggerating. I’m just sensitive, I’m overreacting it’s not that bad blah blah blah!

No one says that to me, it’s my own self doubt.

I feel hurt. I want them to hurt, not physically I just want them to understand how mad they make me. I wish I’d hit them with the book. Just once. Let them know I’m not all bluff.

It’s so wrong to think. God forgive me for sinning like this but I want them to hurt for what they put me through every single day!

I don’t understand why I’m so fun to hurt.

They probably don’t even think about it. They don’t understand how upset I get. I’m good at hiding it. I hate letting them see me break down over something so stupid. I know I’m misspelling things but I’m also trying to listen to my teacher while I type this.

I must sound like such a baby.

I wish I wasn’t so easy to hurt. Just make a screech noise and look at the puppet girl twitch and shake and jitter around and be unable to do her schoolwork because she’s autistic.

They don’t even think about the autism, I know that.

But how do they find it funny? I don’t do anything to them! I only react to what they do. What did I do to make me such a fun little toy for all of them?

I want to cry right now.

God forgive me for wanting harm on my enemies. I feel like I give them so many chances, I try to be nice. I feel so lost. I can stand up for myself but they laugh at me. Violence is the only thing I can think of that would make them take me seriously. I don’t want to get in trouble with school or sin. But what can I do!?

How do you make them know I don’t want to be pushed around anymore! They don’t listen to me or the teacher, the principal can’t seem to make them stop.

How do I make them stop?

I can’t hurt them.

But that’s all I can come up with. There’s too many students for her to see what they do or hear them, and she can’t prove who did it and I can’t either. There’s nothing I can do that doesn’t involve hitting them!

Doing it now unprovoked would look crazy but I just want it to stop I’ve been doing this dance all semester and I’m sick of it!

Please don’t think I’m crazy I know this isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme. I know I shouldn’t be so angry about it it’s just been building inside me for so long.

I just want them to leave me alone. I’m being bullied and I can’t stop it.

God give me wisdom and the strength to NOT hit them today if I see them. If they do it tomorrow I might just start slapping!

Tuesday 5/10/22

So Mom set me straight about my Godly theology. Righteous anger isn’t just about the threatening of religious stuff, but also about things being actually wrong.

I’ve been thinking about this wrong, I’m not bad for wanting things to change, so my beating myself up in my diary was not in God’s name.

I need to read my Bible more, fix my theology.

But I feel so much better knowing I’m not a bad person. Mom says we’re all sinful, but seeing me grow up and seeing how upset I get about evening thinking of making others sad…she says I’m really trying to be a good person, and that’s all you can really do. We can have slip ups, God will forgive us.

So I can be mad at them and not be sinful doing it.

#shine post #grace chasity #sorry for the tag #christianity #past unhealthy behaviors #looking back at younger me #autism struggles #autistic rage #actually autistic #autism #tag your character #lmao?#I got set straight #I guess reblog if you want to let people know this is bad?#but also I was justified for being angry they were being jerks

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hospitalterrorizer · 6 months

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diary46

10/23-24/2023

monday-tuesday

wwhateversss

i wrote a new song today, which is surprising i think, i didn't expect to, i just ended up getting a sound i liked and wanted to keep going with it. there's some re-rewriting to do on it but like, minor stuff i think. maybe i can add some more synths or something too, that would be cool, i think some of these new songs are maybe like, a bit too minimal, which makes sense cuz how else are you supposed to make a pv song that's 50 seconds long other than stripping away everything that's unnecessary, but it might be fun to have something really high and annoying at a couple points.

anyways i am super hungry and i brushed my teeth but like it hurts basically, so i am going to eat a bunch of goldfish crackers. sad that they aren't the whole grain variety. i will feel so dumb tomorrow i bettt lollllll. but whatever i am hungrryyy.

i think a good thing is that today i am pretty tired early on, or earlier than usual. up until 3 i am usually doing stuff and maybe i'll be up that late again but idk, it's 2 now and i feel like i could sleep.

thinking about sleep, i had a weird dream this morning, about my gf, her friends, and my friends, all in a big car on a roadtrip, we were in the south, and in this town that was falling apart, i think we went to a target and i started working there, i remember some kind of stress and hurry about some retail-zone. we passed a mall that was supposedly super fucked up, this gave me visions of something like yume nikki, pixel art alternate reality or something, my friend alex poked me, we laughed in the way we do (something in particular about how he and i interact makes me feel like an adult. it's weird. i think because he's so mature and relaxed, he's not relaxed in the stoner way like some friends, and he isn't neurotic like my artist friends, he's profound (really, actually) in how he's, not normal, but secure, fine, himself, you know) and that pulled me out of my vision, i don't think it was inside the mall, it was like a vision of history or like, the under-reality of that place. the mall was weird, it was huge, brutalist, it had a huge advertisement for a washed up popstar from the 70s on it. i don't think a real one. a man with that kind of puffy hair with bangs, brown suit, the photo giving him an off pallor, and another vision, a department store in the depths of the 70s, busy, all the women with those huge bouffants, brown carpet, dimmed eyes, a filter on everything, and the 70s is maybe located next to brown in my head, that retail hell, all the clothes though, on recollection, had the conservatism of the 60s. something about my family's dining sets, the forks, the knives, the table ornaments and the table itself, it's all seated there. the department store was flat, every display was waist high and it went on forever, i was among the women shopping, and the mall was lakeside. i was hungry, and there was a wendy's. the wendy's was on the water, it had a shiny pink roof, the reflective pink dome of circus circus absorbed into the iconography of wendy's, that's how it always was (it kind of is, i remember a wendy's almost like that, only in a parking lot like normal) and it had poles deep into what seemed a radioactive ruin (the lake, stilts, or something similar, i dunno, the supports) the water was still. we wanted there to be a drive thru, or maybe my gf's friends wanted that, hating adventure. someone said something about one of the oldest of her friends (30s) being young. that friend's in china now. how strange. i don't know what i ordered. i think that was around when i woke up.

when i woke up, i was sad, i wanted to live in that dream for a while longer, i liked the atmosphere, the vision of the south it gave me was strange. the landscape, outside of the mall, target, was very green, not rolling, just dense, unbothered grass as tall as it wanted, and the vague threat in that.

anyways i made this, out of boredom or something, i dunno, i felt like making some kind of image out of all the visual junk i've been collecting. i will probably use these materials somewhere else but i just wanted to fuck around.

not much else today. my gf ate out today, i didn't have to cook, which is good, tomorrow i will cook and basically use everything we have in the fridge, which is pretty exciting i guess. it means we'll leave the house the next day without anything to worry about, which is not what happened when we left for denver. that makes me feel super super dumb.

anyways i am sleepyyyyyyy, so

byebye!!!!!!!

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risingshards · 2 years

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#10 7/10/22: Story frequencies (with a slice of life focus)

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how stories have "frequencies" they stay within. For instance, a big bombastic story can be in that top tier with all the drama and whatnot. I've been thinking of this in regards to slice of life stuff (see A at the bottom there in blue), where an audience can be conditioned to be within that specific frequency. Like if I'm reading a slice of life story, I'm prepared for a frequency that stays within a chill vibe, with climaxes being stuff like overcoming internal issues, conversations playing out, and things ending up OK. I've seen iyashikei described that way before, that like "safely exploring within a set place" idea.

When a slice of life story breaks out of that frequency, I personally am always caught off guard, like a chill story suddenly getting super sad out of nowhere, and I can't adjust because I was prepped for a frequency where the climax would be like. Not that stressful. I watched an older show where it was so beautifully dealing with life minutiae, then they just started getting more and more bombastic and I was like "NO LET ME HAVE STRESS ABOUT FIXING THE STOVE FUCK THIS". I read a GL that went from chill to stress so rapidly I'm still messed up from it because I'm too empathetic when reading.

I had an idea for a group of characters for RS that may still show up, but the idea was just like all drama and them bad stressful vibes but in a fun "what's gonna happen next?!" way. But IDK if they really fit with Rising Shards being a chill story (I've been thinking about this enough that I had to do a white board deal seen here) so I dunno where this storyline and this group of characters fits. It'd still be in the middle tier of story stress frequency, but I think there's something to be said for slice of life/chill stories that stay within their realm and don't get overwhelmed with drama. Part of me was like "well having the drama ones enhances the non drama ones" and I have to ask myself: would it really? Would I enjoy writing such a stressful thing? Or would that be better served somewhere else not connected to my chill stuff? Part of me WANTS to write something like that and I think webnovels could be a good outlet for the drama, but I don't know if I want my main gang to have their stuff stained by this happening in the corner, pushing the story out of the frequency set so far. The problem again is I do get very empathetic reading, so maybe that's why I like writing chill happy stuff. It helps me empathize and puts me in a better mindset.

Like it might be interesting to explore at one point the non fluff side of the RS universe, but I don't know right now if it adds a lot to be like "OK you're in the frequency for this fluffy happy recovery relationship...what if right around the corner there was this really sad, really stressful, drama thing?" When I read that in other fluff stories, it doesn't make me feel good lol. So maybe if I do end up writing the drama crew I'll put them at a different school or something and put a bunch of warnings on it that it's separate from RS. Then you'd think "why don't you just put that stress story in a different universe entirely" and I don't have a good answer there. I do wanna do different things in the RS universe but the fluff/goofy/mushy stuff is the easiest for me to write.

For the Big Tradpub Attempt Manuscript...it's going! I have an idea for an outline. I don't have that zing passion for it fully though like I do with RS, which is to be expected since RS is me just piling up everything I like and mixing it with my voice. So I haven't fully figured out how to do that voice for a tradpub attempt, but I'm trying to heavily outline first when I usually am a outline major points then pantser to get there kind of writer.

#writing #rising shards #writeblr #ignore my handwriting pls

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chasingpj · 3 years

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𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐨 𝐝𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐫

pairing: leo valdez x child of iris!reader

requested?: yes!

translation: full of color

warnings: uhh, mentions of mental health and ?? maybe some typos lmao

category: headcanons, fluff, best friends to lovers

pre-relationship

though, leo saw you around camp often, you caught interest in him before he caught interest in you

i mean, he literally couldn't miss you because your outfits were always bright, whether it was a combination of colors or monochromatic

you and your siblings actually look like a rainbow threw up on you guys, and it's honestly iconic

no one at camp can not notice the children of iris, especially when they're in a herd

one day, you were sitting alone at a picnic table near the lake, and you found yourself drawing him in your sketchbook

you sketched a portrait of him while he spoke to piper at a table nearby

you've always found the floppy curls and how his brightest smiles always look a little manic to be adorable

when you sketched his portrait in your notebook, you didn’t intend for him ever to see it

until a couple of weeks later in the arts and crafts center, leo passed by and caught sight of a new project you were working on

he stopped in his tracks to compliment your drawing

since you were nowhere near done with it, you couldn’t admire the piece as much as he was

but his enthusiasm was so endearing

he politely asked if he could see more, and you didn’t hesitate to slide over your sketchbook

he noticed a lot of your drawings were scenery and people at camp; especially your siblings

he stumbled across a detailed sketch of a woman and her child sitting in a bus

“wow… who’s this?”

“oh, I don’t know. It was just a little girl I saw on the train with her mother.”

“so you just drew her?”

you never realized how weird your habit of drawing random people was until he had asked

you giggled nervously, quick to explain yourself, “I tend to draw people or things that I find beautiful. I wanted to capture how calm and happy she was with her child ‘cause at the time, I was stressed and angry. Watching and drawing her made me calm.”

leo nodded, a faint smile on his lips before looking back down at the drawing. “that’s really cool,” he complimented, and you shifted in your seat, suddenly shy.

And then it hit you

you were so willing to show leo all your works that you had completely forgotten that his portrait was in that book

your pulse thumped loud in your ears, mind racing to figure out a way to take away your sketchbook before he could see it

you ended up spending so long thinking of what to do that he arrived on the page in no time

right before he could see the drawing in its entirety, you slammed the book closed and snatched it

leo’s startled expression turned into a mischievous smirk

“was that me?”

you froze in your place; a squeaky sound escaped your throat in your embarrassment

leo’s brown eyes sparkled as he leaned into you, your gaze fixed on his, “y/n, you think I’m beautiful?”

AHHHH!

^^ that was you in your head btw

leo laughed, amused at your attempt to deny it

“then why did you snatch it away?” he raises an eyebrow before reaching over quickly to grab the sketchbook back

you didn't pull it out of his reach fast enough, leo getting a grip on one side

the two of you pull it back and forth, leo laughing at you as you continued to deny what he saw

though you were incredibly embarrassed, you couldn't contain the laughter bubbling in your chest

gods, of course, this would happen to me, you thought

he got it out of your grip, and you sighed in defeat, watching him flip to the page of him and piper

he was quiet, studying the picture for a second before giving you that playful smirk

“you think I’m beautiful?” he asked again

you playfully rolled your eyes, “it was more piper than you.”

your tone was sarcastic, only fueling leo’s banter with you

“oh really?” he chuckled to himself, “but i’m the only one colored in.”

you were silent at his observation before scoffing, “whatever.”

leo only laughed as you take the book away from him

“don’t you have somewhere to be, fire boy?” you asked and nudged his shoulder

the glint in your eyes made him smile, and he shrugged, “i guess i do. i'll see you around."

you nodded, too shy to do anything else, and he walked off

after that, leo took it upon himself to talk to you every day

leo teased you about the drawing all the time, and he found the way you would play along to be funny

before you both fell in love, you were close friends

you had such an optimistic point of view about life, and it was pretty contagious

somehow when leo was in the dumps about something, you always knew what to say

you were just so easy to talk to, and because of this, your friendship just grew naturally

your first kiss was towards the end of summer

leo invited you to hang out with him in bunker nine at, specifically, 6 pm

you teasingly asked if it was a date, and you remember the way he tensed up a bit

with a mumble, he asked, "what if it is?"

from the tone in his voice, you knew he wasn’t joking

in fact, his tone was hesitant, a part of him was expecting you to reject him

then the heavy pit in his stomach turned light when you smiled and said, "then I'm down."

the grin leo gave you made your heart flutter like crazy

your first date consisted of eating snacks and watching a movie on one of those portable DVD players

You picked up on the tension between you and him, and noticed the opportunities for a kiss kept passing

it was until Leo walked you to your cabin that night did you have a moment of boldness and asked, "so are you going to kiss me or?"

leo's eyes widen in surprise before his face broke out in the familiar smirk he gives when he flirts with you

you rolled your eyes playfully and grabbed the front of his shirt, pulling him into you

your first kiss was sweet and soft; a little awkward

his hands hovered over your sides for a second, not sure what to do with them until he decided to rest them on your waist

it was the perfect way to mark the beginning of your relationship

relationship

since you guys are both broke teenagers, you got creative with date nights

you came up with the idea of paint splattering with him

you guys got canvases, covered the walls and floors with plastic to make sure you didn't dirty them

then you filled water balloons with paint and just threw them

despite you guys singing and dancing around in the midst of it, the canvases came out so good

and to commemorate the beginning of your relationship, you hung them up side by side in bunker nine, and when you guys get a place together, you hang them up in the hallway of your apartment

leo is a huge gift giver; as i’ve said before in my “how he shows he loves you” headcanons

he’s made you a lot of things; canvases, jewelry, little trinkets with scrap metal

one of your favorite gifts from him is a suncatcher with rainbow quartz

you fell in love with it and when you move in together, you make sure to hang it up in the kitchen with the bunch of other suncatchers that he’s made you

i love the idea that you would attempt to bring more color in his wardrobe

a lot of his clothes are muted in color; you don’t mind it but you were interested to see what he’d look like in a colorful outfit like yours

To say the least, he was not that enthusiastic and maybe, you shouldn’t have put him in a monochromatic orange outfit but… you still thought he looked cute

leo thought he looked like a traffic cone though so it didn’t stick

it’s okay because you like him the way he is anyways

another thing is that you guys are super supportive of each other and leo loves just how you manage to lift his mood

once leo was having a bad mental health week

you guys were sitting under a tree, looking out at the water

his head laid on your shoulder and small sniffles came from the other

it hurt to see him like this and you wished you could do more to make him feel better

then you had the greatest idea to make a rainbow for him

so you did

leo was so stunned when he saw the rainbow form over the lake

he looked at you surprised and when you admitted to making the rainbow for him, the emotion on his face was indescribable

and then you laughed and held him when he started crying because he said it was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for him

another time, you insisted that meditation would be good for him

he literally sat down for like 3 minutes with his eyes closed before he was itching to get up and do something

even when he was sitting down, he was still bouncing his legs and fidgeting

so that fell through too but you still helped him in other ways and he’s so grateful for your optimism and bubbly personality

leo always says that you bring color to everything; literally and figuratively

one of the things you bring color to is his life

and he’s constantly reminding you of this; that his world just feels brighter now that you’re around

and it’s literal too

since you painted the walls of bunker nine a bright orange

he asked you why orange, and you told him because orange encourages productivity, creativity, and most importantly, optimism

it may have also reminded you of the orange outfit you put him into

anyways, you told him that it hurt you to see him get down in the dumps, and you insisted there was no way he could be sad in a bright orange room

needless to say, you were kinda right

masterlists taglist: @nct127bee @minamisulemisa @yanfeisluvr @cartocns @slytherclaw-kitten @idk-bye-no @percysbluehairbrush @Hermioneswifeee @quteez @drayshadow @ashookykooky @anything-forourmoony @loverstyless @yelenabel0vaswife @ohmydamgods @jordannfields @amy-writes-blog @muted-mayham @dreamerball @earthtokace @thehighladyofday @lala-llama123 @tootsdoll @slytherindaughterofposeidon0 @black-rose-29 @somekidnamedkai @possiblylostchasecousin @hamdehlesmis @cami05sworld @does-anyone-hear-me @sol-the-salmon

if your username is bolded that means i can’t tag you ! you probably have your visibility settings on!

#leo x reader #leo valdez fanfiction #leo valdez one shot #leo valdez imagine #leo valdez #leo valdez timestamp #leo valdez fanfic #leo valdez x reader #leo valdez x you #leo valdez headcanon #my writing

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