.

.

STOP cause who was gonna tell me that i was genuinely actually not well my whole teenage years. how did i end up consistently hanging out with the most mentally ill people on planet earth so that i thought i was normal in comparison. "idk i just feel like being hit by a car would fix me. not to die or anything just to feel the impact and get like a physical reset :)" BRACKEN YOU WERE NOT NORMAL

the silly thing about Language is that it will make you feel like a different person when you write something in not your native one

Manifest appearance change. (Weight loss/gain)

(Success story)

❏First and foremost, Yeah, I know you shouldn't let go of your manifestation. Like detaching from your manifestation bla bla..

However, I have noticed that actively affirming appearance change is difficult for me because I love looking at my reflection in the mirror all the time. And I've to constantly remind myself to affirm. Every time I affirm, one of my inner voices started stating the opposite.

I weighed 47kg (I'm 5'3; I know it's the ideal weight, but I wanted to gain a little more). It was difficult for me to eat more. I believe it was about April 14 or 15. I decided to quit trying to eat more. I started to joke that I was gaining weight without eating,"are u kidding me? I'm eating nothing and also skipping dinner these days, so how tf am I gaining weight?" Some of my friends even laughed at me.🙂

Then, out of nowhere, my sister began complaining that I had gained weight, then few days ago I went to the doctor for a checkup, and they also measured my weight, it's 51KG now. Mind you, I skipped a lot of meals and wasn't eating at all. It was during the Mercury retrograde. I was quite depressed and saddened also someone so close to me died. But it took me like 10 days to gain 4kg. If that's not shocking idk what is.

So, this is what I did (•_•)

Reminder : "If you could make yourself believe that you have the exact appearance you desire, it would change"

Every time I ate, I told myself, "I should be dieting." And look at what I'M doing. I should start working out before it's too late. And that is all. Then I didn't even affirm anything during the day, ( I believe that if you make your brain believe that you're prettiest little creature on the planet and your existence is a service to the humanity then that's how it would be. And my toxic trait is that I believe my presence is a blessing to the humanity.😂

every time I looked in the mirror, I said, "Wtf? I'm gaining weight . "Shit, I need to diet." And trust me when I tell you at that exact moment your brain is going send you a thought "Stop lying; you're still skinny bitch"

But don't forget that you get to select what happens in your reality. If your mind wants to offer you lemons, make lemonade.😂

I said, "Yes, that's correct. If I want to lose my weight I need to affirm I'm still skinny" and I kept on saying "I need to lose weight or I'll gain more weight" just tricked my brain into thinking that I'm chubby and attempting to manifest becoming skinny. And I didn't focused on the end goal; I wasn't obsessed with it; I didn't give a damn about it, but whenever I noticed a little change, I freaked out as if something terrible had happened. And believe me when I say I freaked out it was Oscar worthy😂

I Remember, the first thing I noticed was that my arm was looking a bit chubby. I was screaming and even fake crying, 😭 "Damn this is embarrassing, I need to work out, I'm gaining weight." I then searched and downloaded weight loss workouts online.

Trust me I was living the moment 😂. literally living in the end. It was easy at the time because my brain was literally blank. I had no feelings or emotions, so I fed my brain whatever I wanted, and it ate every thought I gave it. I'm happy with my weight now.

I'm now 51kg this is just a photo I saved from Pinterest but this is my Desired type-

Here are some tips:

Your appearance is constantly changing with your affirmations and beliefs. So don't doubt whether this is going to work or not. 

Your manifestation will take time, depending on you and your beliefs.

And about mental health, I would post about it later, but it's important.

The more you visualize, the faster it will become a reality.Visualise everything; literally, everything you want, VISUALIZE 🙌 stay in your head

The amount of things I changed and manifested in my life is crazy; it's different for each person. But it took me a year to fully understand manifestation. So give yourself time. Spend time with yourself; the better you know yourself, the better you'll get in manifestation. Best advice: talk to yourself (in your head, of course, or others would think you're crazy, lol 😹.)  gossip with yourself; if you want to be tall tell yourself that you're tall and stick to it refuse to let go. ✊🏻

Hope you like it. It's my first ever post but clearly not the last 😉 feel free to ask any questions. 🩷

I’m going into my first final soon wish me luck

That being said I’m curious, and you don’t have to answer this part of the question if you don’t want to no pressure, but have you seen the episode with the confrontation Solar had with his moon? If so how do you feel?

Oh goodness good luck. I hope you get enough of it correct.

Also yes. I have watched episode. Work makes it easy to forget things. I don't know how I react to it. On one side. It was okay. Solar fire made himself weapon so he could defend himself. Moon of core comes by after our moon chills out for a sec and then goes to bed. Solar flare seemingly does not want to kill him. Trying everything he can before Moon attacks him. It's intriguing to learn that Sun is dead dead in their universe. Plus solar's reaction to his death was somber but not overly reactive. A necessary evil.

I guess it just wasn't sad or emotional to me. Solar's Moon has clearly gone mad with grief. Solar doesn't necessarily want to kill him because of his mad grief. Has to anyways. Technically has to put down the dog twice. I guess I just don't feel emotional about it because solar themselves is not emotional about it. The most he does is almost fall to his knees in silence. Then it's off about needing repairs and improving his canon. Sure it might just be a coping technique. I just kind of wanted more. Basically I wanted a sorry? A more fulfilling one. Idk. I've detached myself in the Tsams a lot.

I'm not sure if this is super relevant (it's also late af and I'm recovering from covid) but I saw your post about that touched on having native ancestry but no direct ties to the culture, as well as no true culture otherwise to call your own, and it reminded me of a convo I had with some friends the other day where we discussed something that seems similar? Basically we talked about how badly a lot of American white people try to cling onto their (usually) very old ancestors' cultures and why. Sometimes it's for certified Yikes reasons (like white supremacists trying to co-op the entirety of Scandinavian culture) but other times they genuinely feel so rightfully disconnected from the mass-produced BS of American "culture", and that's why they (as well as occasionally POC) chase after cultures they don't have direct ties to. I myself have attempted to connect with my grandparents' cultures because they were forced to go from Unacceptable White to Acceptable White the second they landed in America, which meant all their cultural things were tossed away. It makes me sad for obvious reasons, but I also have to wonder if America may have been in at least a *slightly* better place had Europeans not also went through their own (though obviously much less severe) forced assimilation.

Maybe I'm not explaining it well, but my point is it's much harder to convince 20 different cultural groups to unite against a perceived evil than it is to convince 1 "cornbread purebred 'murican" cultural group to hate multiple ethnicities for no good reason. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I think there might actually be a good reason to encourage white Americans to try and reconnect with their ancestors' culture, even if they'll likely be rejected by occupants of that current culture. It's easy to fall into extremism if someone has nothing to ground them that makes them feel whole or at least partially complete.

Idk, sorry if this doesn't make sense, I'm kind of just rambling but also wanting your opinion on all of this?

I think what you said about it being easier to divide 20 communities than uniting then was a profound observation given the nature of white supremacy and even the silly online politics we can observe.

Because it's how a lot of countries work, especially the USA which is infamous for Cointelpro and its other methods of trying to sabotage communities from the inside out. Then making them hate everyone else's community, because they suck right?

And I think it's also very prevalent in even anarchist/leftist circles when we look at the constant infighting, the discourse within the queer community, etc. Even people trying to fight these systems fall prey to it's ideology when unaware of how it affects even their behaviors.

Coupled with the loud silence where education on workers rights and the many other rights movements besides the civil rights movements should be? I never learned about stonewall in school; did you? There is a blatant lack of education on Any recent movement that started with solidarity. What they do teach about any of it is deeply watered down and simplified and detached from the present- if not complete misinformation.

Like they really are trying to raise a bunch of blank slates who won't question a fascist or white supremacist rise to power until it was too late. Meanwhile they'd be convenient little drones for the capitalists.

And I think, yeah. If white people want to find community in what their ancestors had that's Certainly better than trying to find it by supporting and being around people who believe in whatever the fuck all that *gestures above* is without question.

Obsessed with the concept of an Albedo who needs to understand everything and especially his own desire towards you… he feels a jolt of arousal when you bumped into him in the lab, right against his crotch and he captured your scent. You’re apologizing all flustered but his mind is simply replaying it over and over. Curious. He knows of it in a text book clinical sense but to experience it? Well he’s always been more hands on with his research.

He comes to the conclusion it’s you that causes these reactions the most in him, no one else. Nobody’s body feels as good, their scent as captivating, voice as alluring… idk if he’d be blunt about it or try to go by it in covert ways. Maybe he needs to study your reactions as well? Catching you off guard and setting up situations where he gets to touch or press against you in compromising ways. If he talks to you a certain way, voice low and eyes lidded, he definitely notices a shift in your demeanor. He’s gotta study that too. And that sound you make when you’re surprised or when you grunt in pain or exertion- that definitely stirs a reaction from him! There’s so much to explore and to be throughou you outta repeat these experiments. God what a menace he’d be!

im honestly down bad for albedo at the moment. we see his bare thighs and apparently i cannot control myself.

it's a feeling he's aware of but he's never had any actual interest in before; monstadt is a nation of freedom where alcohol flows freely, of course he's witnessed a few . . . lascivious acts in his time. he knows the basics of all of these things; he's just never found any real reason to dedicate himself to this particular study.

until he meets you. until you smile at him and somehow know exactly what to say to him, until he sees you talking and playing with klee and he overhears you with others and he finds that, when normally he would prefer to be alone, he'd actually rather perhaps . . . spend time with you. and once he's noticed that, it's a slippery slope to everything else; noticing your thighs on a day you're wearing shorts. inhaling the scent of whatever you wash your hair with when you walk past him in the library - yes, the time you'd brushed past him and bumped into him and he'd felt his own body have an unmistakeable physiological reaction to you.

this is new. not the first time he's seen someone's thighs, not the first time they've gotten close to him - he's even been propositioned, a few times, by people who don't know of his reputation proper and merely note that he is - as lisa says - 'easy on the eyes'. but the newness just makes him more curious, of course. why is it you who brings out this brand new feeling in him? and how can he discover more of it? 

oh, the thought of him just subtly testing you out before he makes his biggest moves. i do think albedo has a fear of rejection, even if he’s not entirely aware of it; holds himself back from other people, left behind by his creator. so he’s very, very careful. observes kaeya and lisa flirting and tries the same things on you; the lowered voice, the eyes half-lidded. keeps his tone as detached as ever, but occasionally slips in a double entendre. becomes just a little more physical. does just a little more for you than he does for other people. does he realise that he’s manipulating you? perhaps, but he’s far more focussed on his research than he is on that.

(the pictures he draws of you in his sketchbook are research, too; the moment you’d bent over and he’d gotten an extremely good view of the shape of your ass. you with a smile on your face as you’d sampled some delicious treat you’d gotten from good hunter for lunch. you stripping out of your outer layer into something a little more risque when klee had spilt something on you. the fact that he has touched himself, looking at those sketches, remembering them . . . that’s research. his body reacts differently when there’s visual stimulus such as that! he takes a sweater you leave in his workshop. his body reacts even more strongly to the olfactory stimulus. he’d like to add how it responds differently to auditory or physical stimuli, too. for research. replaying the occasional noises using his memory isn’t quite enough.)

the stress of not feeling: welcome/able to be myself/able to exist outside my bedroom/safe/like my child is cared for properly by my in-laws is really. really. getting to me.

pretty sure she gave my kid too much water today and thinks he only eats baby food 3x a day like an adult or something. idk. we were gone at the grocery store for under 2 hours and I had napped for 2 hours before that. he was STARVING when we took him back. drank a 4oz bottle and ate 4oz of baby food. and suddenly he wasn't lethargic and fussy and had the energy to play again for another hour, then went down for a nap easy. its becoming really disturbing for me that this woman is so detached that she can't even parse our his needs. mil got a lot of help raising her kids from her parents, she got to go out and party still. she doesn't have a nurturing bone in her fuckin body and she puts on a show for FB and if guests are over, including my mom, but my mom knows better. we don't rely on mil help at all anymore, but I don't think we're gonna ask for it even for a Grocery store run. I'm making some calls this week to see if we can get closer to assistance/housing vouchers/something. I don't want to feel like I've sentenced my son to be subjected to the same trauma me and myles were. I think it would break us completely. we wanted to be able to provide a different life but it's feeling suffocating and overwhelmingly toxic here and impacting my health so, so hard. I can't even write about it properly bc I'm so drained at the end of the day.

she still never put the car seat in her car. ade's nursery is still not set up completely and decorated. like not even the baby monitor or the expensive mobile and beset and wall decals I was gifted. nothing is baby-proofed and probably won't be unless we do it bc, well,i dont think they baby proofed anything when myles was little. she keeps putting things in ade's crib and pack'n'play as if it's a catch-all. she just sucks. I cannot explain how much she sucks the life out of me. and I swear Aidan only naps for as long as he does with her bc he shuts down, knowing he won't be comforted if he cries. I cannot handle that. I can't and don't and will not trust her to have his best interests in mind.

this is gutting me. I feel like a wild animal caught in a trap about to gnaw off my own leg. I just want my kid, my partner, my DOG, to feel safe and comfortable. we are not. but we're stuck. it's maddening.

Hi I’ve doing subliminals for about 6 months? And haven’t gotten any results 😭this is what I asked people on YouTube “Umm y’all I need help I’ve been listening to subliminals for a while now and haven’t gotten ANY results 😭and i have been believing and visualizing but I think the promblem is the fact that my desired face, and body like don’t exist? Like everybody who talks about how they got results used a celebrity or something that already exist but my desired face, body is like something I made up in my head, do you need to use something that already exists? But I also haven’t gotten results with like clear skin subliminals and stuff so what should I do? And do I make sense?😭” The awnsers I got were use a blockage subliminal, someone told me that my subconscious already knows what I want, but the one that stood out to me was someone saying that I need to detach but idk how to do that😭 I have maladaptive daydreaming and idk if I can disconnect from results I literally created a whole nother reality of myself in my head so will I not be able to get results because I’m to attached? I also watched a video saying how a playlist shouldn’t be bundled up and my playlist was like that 😭 but I started a clear skin playlist like… 3 weeks ago? And haven’t gotten any results and I don’t think I was that obsessed so what should I do? And I’m a very impatient person and I saw a video talking about how results can take up to a YEAR?? Tell me she was joking like be fr…

All this ppl & problems you just said are limiting beliefs. All of this. Results are fast & easy to get. You affirming & persisting in the fact you don't have clear skin / results is why you don't have clear skin / results . You keep doubting & persisting in those doubts. Stop it. Use your maladaptive daydreaming to your favor. Your 3d reflects your 4d. Think & persist in the fact that your imagination is the real & the only true reality, cause it is . And your 3d will reflect your 4d. You have to change your 4d to change your 3d .

no one gets the hoe phase rn 😔ik im just lonely and i should try to make normal friends who i dont fuck but idk

i dont wanna unpack why ots easier for me to talk to ppl in a sexual romantic context evn if its not explicitly said but i am quite good at being sexual w ppl idk apparently its pretty easy for me now and theres a certain lrvel of detachment bug i akso enjoy talking to ppl and getting to know them snd being able to talk abt shit i like and myself as well ig its helping me see who i am and how i present mysekf eben tho sometiems i feel like im putting on an act a bit it depends who im talking to idk. butny sister judges my mom tells me not to get a boyfriend bit i cant explain casual sex to her or like "casual dating" lol like im just datig around and being a hoe idk. cuz its easier bc ppl will b nice to u wjen they want sometbing from u idk! and idk if i trust men but i kinda like when im talking to someone whos nice to me even if i dont wanna get close to anyone and lately ive just been thinking abt how ppl get when theyre angry and i feel a little scared when i tbink of someone im vibig w and like and could maybe see myself dating but then i get kinda scared. def not tryig to get into a relationship tho im just making friends rn i guess ?? lmao. and also trying to explore sexuality like idk i just wanna have some fun lol. nd everyone judges me for that but its ok idk. my mom n sister dont get it it hust annoys me when theyre kinda pushy about it ig... like my sister saying its not safe or my mom constsntly asking me who im texting😔

.

so tired of the shit memory and nothing feeling real ever. do we all live like this? or most of us? is it something in the air. is it the collective adverse shit we are all living through. this bleak disconencted world? or.

im like was i always like this? was my conspiracy theorist grandma right, am i just cognitively malnourished from not eating meat lulz. is that why i can never remember shit? that would be such a simple answer. i hope its something i can fix easy peasy like that. but my blood tests always come back fine. im sleeping a-okay. i take supplements too. i eat a very varied diet. idk man...

when i got off my ssris/adderal and quit weed in august 2023 that was my reset era from the chronic, almost daily weed usage that was occuring for years. i did it cuz i was having these same issues im having now and wanted to see if my meds or weed was causing it. but the funny thing is remember nothing about that reset era. I just remember complete anhedonia. life felt so bleak, difficult and gray. i felt like a different person during that time. i was on this website a lot (still am. ahah.). feels like different person was on this blog sometimes even though logically no. lol. but thats just how it feels.

then i remember. many years ago, how i used to write in my diary everyday. every single detail of the day. even the very mundane, very boring things. very very boring things. i always told myself to write every boring detail of the day, every single work conversation, every single thing that happened at home that day.. because i might want to remember it some other day. so i imagine these memory issues have been a thing for quite a while. even before the weed.

the thing with memory issues is, you can't ask past-you "hey. do you struggle with memory?". you're certainly not gonna remember either. thats why journaling is so important with memory issues. well its important in general imo. even if u just write in there like once a month... about anything... whether it be what happened in your life or just your thoughts or goals... get a feel for what was happening in your life .... grounding and very important imo. future you will feel thankful. regardless of memory issues or not.

gonna start readjusting my life a lot i think. i think partially the memory issues come from the fact that i dont do anything with my life. my brain is turning into mush. its so hard to use sometimes. sometimes im not sure whether its the long term weed usage, the fact that i do not socialize or challenge myself academically anymore or what. i have a sinking feeling it -all- does play a huge role. esp the weed. sad given its one of the few things that helps me really feel things again. i feel so much emotions on weed. i hate how detached and numb i am without it. those 5 months without it were so bleak. i take these 2 week breaks and feel like nothing is real. tomorrow i have to go to work as per usual, but i feel so detached from that reality. as if someone else does that for me. everything feels so compartmentalized.

i need to change something lmao. i think me moving will be a fresh start. for so many reasons. june please come soon. may is going to be so barf-barf with all of this family shit going on. june ;-; i need you.

hi imane! i hope ur doing well <3 i just wanted to ask: what do you do during times of uncertainty? im a uni student abt to go on placement and I've been applying for part-time jobs that's centred around my field but to no avail sadly :/ i wanted to save up at least so i wouldn't stress during placement and everything's so overwhelming.. there are other external factors that's making me feel this way too like a friendship break-up i had few months ago and its affected me quite badly but im starting to pick myself up again. anyways sorry for the rant and i hope ur day is lovely x

hey! just sat down after hours of procrastination to work on my dissertation and i wish i were done already akjdkfgj but it could be worse!! ok it's gonna be long and probs unhelpful but i know that you wanted to vent more than you thought i was holding some solution so I'll just ramble and hope something resonates with you lmao <3

for me uncertainty makes me feel like my life is in shambles, it's hard to cope with things going south and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but during my yearly flop era in march/april i had a talk with a friend who's much older, wiser, and more experimented, and basically it helped me put things into perspective and learn how to let go. there are only so many things that you can control so i split my different issues into different categories for a more systemic approach to my problems lol: things that i can actually somewhat control (my emotions, my reactions, my efforts, what i can do moving forward to alleviate some of my stress), things that are out of my control (how people misconstrue me, external stressors like shitty coworkers, refusals from jobs i was applying for) and things (and people) that i don't need in my life. learning to let go of things for me internationally infamous control freak was not easy but it was liberating, idk if you're religious so if you aren't the next part isn't going to be helpful lol but i don't think i should be chasing things because i am exactly where i am meant to be, and if i start clutching at the things that aren't meant to be in my life, it's just my ego getting in the way, and i prayed that Allah just lets me find the place that i would fit better in and that He'd take me away from it if i wasn't going to be doing or feeling good there. i guess the non-religious version would just be to trust the process and understand that things in life wax and wane, whether it be job opportunities or relationships. obviously there's like a plethora of other factors like what do i do if i can't pay the bills and stuff? that was how i was thinking just a couple of months ago when my dissertation was not writing itself and nobody was hiring me! but a few weeks have passed and looking back on it i was starting to chase things again and it made me feel like i was stuck in a rut when in fact it's normal for things to take some time to settle down and for opportunities to arrive.

so basically whether you stress about it or not, literally nothing is going to change except the way you frame it in your head. for me i just continued applying and gave interviews my all while also being detached enough to simply trust myself to find the space that i was meant to occupy eventually, and after many many many rejections i finally found something a week ago, but it took a couple of months of steady job application to get there. looking from the other side of the mirror it's easy to say things like "don't get discouraged!" but it is true that if you keep throwing shit at a wall something's going to eventually stick, hence the power of consistency and of never giving up.

i'm glad you're slowly building yourself back up after your friendship break-up, i know how much it can drag you down but again some people are meant to be with you for a season only and at the end of the day with the effect of time making things more bearable and by working on your self-esteem and knowing that you can do things that you set your mind to, whether it is finding a part-time job or picking yourself back up, in a few weeks you're gonna look back on where you were mentally at when you sent me this message and where you'll be then and you'll thing "well i guess things DO pass huh who would've thought!!" lol life is a cycle of stability and unsteadiness, doesn't matter how much you prepare something's always going to go sideways but another truth is that things fall back into place again and you have to have faith in that, in yourself, and maybe in something else like i am w/ my relation to religion if u need extra help. speaking of help if you have a support system, confide in them and let them carry some of that weight for you!! you'd do the same for them so don't feel like you're a burden for needing help when you are facing instability. wishing you the best of luck and i really hope you find a good part-time job before your placement babe

I admit I was trawling for some easy smut to read and got Underline the Black. Usually I back out when the story doesn't go how I expect and instead I've binged the whole thing in six hours and find myself painfully relating to Efni's gender and sexual trauma.

I don't know how to describe it but I'm AFAB and grew up Christian with all these expectations and secular ones and I was so scared I rejected everything and tried to be this person I thought I had to be. And I've done that over and over and I'm thirty now and I think I'm finally coming to terms with my place in gender and sex and all that.

It's still a long journey and idk I know a lot of trans people get squicked by ABO stuff and it's based off bunk wolf science but. Idk. This is the most I've ever felt seen I think. So thanks.

Hi hi,

I really love omegaverse, you might be surprised how many trans people are writing it on AO3 - trust me when I say it's a lot of us. :)

A lot of the reasons trans folk can find omegaverse squicky is actually a lot of the same reasons why trans folk can find it cathartic or interesting or crave reading it. Everyone's reasons for ending up in omegaverse are different, because it's really just a huge umbrella term for like, countless different genres, tropes, levels of worldbuilding, sex, and types of story.

I don't really mind that it's based off debunked science, hell, I've even written a logical explanation for that in my Perth Shifters series lol. There's a lot of science we have today that was initially based off of bad science, that scientists then went 'oh yeah, that's not great, but we might keep the terminology anyway, because everyone's using it.' So that works out just fine. It's not like all of our science in reality started off in the best places, some started off in pure medieval spaces and then just kind of...grew up over time.

I apologise for the lack of easy smut though in Underline the Black! I have a lot more of erotica / smut in my other works, like Spoils of the Spoiled or Game Theory, so far we're still a while away from anything more than the handjob that's coming up in a couple of chapters re: Efnisien and Gary, that's definitely a slowburn! :D

(You might like Underline the Red though, which has some alpha/beta smut instead!)

And yeah, gender stuff is so hard. I'm glad you're coming to a place that feels right or is starting to feel right re: gender. I know I started that journey for myself in my early 30s and now that I'm in my early 40s it's only really started to settle into place. This stuff can be rough, especially when you're raised in repressed and oppressive and harmful societies.

Being able to explore gender stuff in Underline the Black has been a lot of fun for me. I much prefer doing it this way, than doing it with the genders we already have irl, tbh, because it lets me detach a little, but it also means that the omegaverse genders can become metaphorical for a lot of different issues, and I enjoy the power of something that can work in a few different ways. :D

(Also just a note, in the future can you please write it as a/b/o or just say omegaverse, because otherwise you're just writing a horrible slur towards Aboriginal Australians and we're generally trying to avoid that. Appreciate it going forward thank you! :) ).

how do you deal with forgiving yourself? i know that everything is states and we’re supposed to separate who we really are (I AM) from the states that we fall into but that kind of feels like a cop out to me (or is that just my ego rationalizing so that i can keep dwelling in a state that doesn’t serve me?). i don’t want to punish myself forever but recently i’ve experienced so much envy (towards someone living out one of my desires, petty i know) and i’ve lashed out from a place jealousy and joined in with others having unkind conversations and i just feel so much shame and embarrassment because that isn’t like me. like i was in so much pain i physically felt it in my heart but that still isn’t an excuse. i feel so bad because that isn’t something that i usually do and it feels so foreign to me and i’m kind of scared that i can feel and react that way simply bc someone else has something that i want. i know this experience is probably being reflected to me because of some deeper wound (feeling like i never get to have what i want?) that i haven’t properly addressed. i want to forgive myself to release myself from this identification and detach but that also feels like a cheap and selfish way to absolve myself of my responsibility? like “oh that wasn’t ME-me, it was my state” idk it just feels wrong and pathetic to me and i feel stuck but i also recognize that self-flagellating doesn’t help anyone. that person is still living my dream regardless and that truth and my shame and regret are still living rent free in my mind. fuck. sorry for ranting.

i understand how it could feel like a cop out, if youre not understanding it well. its not you brushing it off, giving yourself an easy excuse to behave harmfully. but its moreso giving yourself grace and love, holding space for that part of you that felt that way/did that thing. so its different than what you are describing.

you know how i deal with it ? i dont try to tell myself, oh that wasnt ME. instead i accept that was me. in that moment, thats who i was. i did that thing, i said that thing. whatever the case may be. but moreso, the me now, in this moment, isn't tied to that person. that person was hurt, sad, scared, etc and acted from such a place. and i don't have to punish that person either. instead all i can do is extend love and understanding, because that is the true way to help heal the version of me who acted out.

your feelings of jealousy aren't foreign to me. i know how terrible it is, because you're fully aware you SHOULD be happy for them but a part of you just can't be, and instead you end up lashing out in various ways. so its like you can actively feel yourself going against what you feel you should be doing, and yet you can't stop yourself. but understand that it's.... normal. and sure it's not something you're proud of, but then great. that means its something you're more aware of healing and letting of with time.

don't let the idea of states make you feel trapped and like youre fighting against yourself. for more ease, just see yourself as living moment to moment. some moments will be tougher than others, but you're never trapped in a moment and you're always free to become someone new in that new moment. :) xo

sending an ask to engage with what you were saying was a random impulse but im happy to see you respond and give it thought, definitely wouldnt mind sending more since this is an interesting topic :3 glad you dont mind... it can be weird being a detached observer of somebody elses life specifically if they are uncomfortable with the idea of it. i think the reason i jump to using the word "oversharing" is that talking a lot generally has a negative connotation for me because i have negative experiences with talking a lot and being ignored. i guess one of my main insecurities? so maybe i dont have the same type of accidental charisma because im too obviously desperate/curating myself too much, idk. marketing myself as a persona isnt necessarily a good goal to have so maybe sharing myself in more private spaces is for the best (not like i dont compulsively share to anyone who will listen anyway)

also being the way that i am i dont appreciate the observers/audience i DO have enough because im constantly looking for evidence of it. kind of a never enough situation. i definitely think i just have to let it go & if it happens it happens. actually, i do have a decent chance of gaining a following over my art, and when i got more interactions i swear it was when i drew more, so i guess that is part of whats happening with you. art drawing people into somebodys persona or something? i wonder if part of it is just like, when scrolling the dash peoples attention is caught more by images so it makes somebody more likely to get invested. but i think your art has a lot of personality and its what personally made me interested in following your blog so i guess the art is just like, one piece of the whole of a "persona"

diving into the pure psychological sense… going to put the entirety under a read more.

leans back, in the "contemplating therapist" pose and aura. This is a distinct position for anyone familiar.

forgive - me - in the event of bad perspective. entirely: i am not a medical professional, and if these woes are Distorting your life into an unhappiness (ability to function, socialize, that ilk) on a regular basis, either from the 'expected' of bi-weekly to the 'constant' of daily - internet guidance should be an appetizer, at best…!! while a peer's view is quite different from a, "Went to college for half-decade for this particularity" employee, they are both helpful -

but I don't mean. "Go to a therapist," because: i minimized my daily-distortion of BPD (fond Bitch Personality Disorder) thru worksheets, pamphlets, scientific texts. this conversation between us is 'improper' text, ""Uneducated"" but it is not without merit. I just don't want the existence of only two options - "[symptom of mental disorder] reddit" or "therapist that specializes in [mental disorder]" in an analogy. There are a plethora of ways to better yourself - "so maybe sharing myself in more private spaces is for the best" cannot be the single possibility. i believe in you - broaden yourself, and do not hastily imprison yourself to Any distraught for the easy answer, "better in the long run"

what you desire is evident. That is a crucial first step, and your life is measured in the thousands of footprints. Time is here for you - there is no real clock, rather, you know where your satisfaction is in space. Be proud of self-awareness, of identifying desire, these are inch forwards.

now, your path forks - "can i transfigure that want, into something 'healthier," "is there a healthier route to that want," and how exciting is that…! how to min-max pain and pleasure, that is the basis of all species. and if the decision solidifies further into, "i have to go home, i have to let this all go," that is the first option. there is no shame in release.

that is my thought on. "insecurity," and i hope - even if very inaccurate, maybe Inappropriate, your reaction of 'that's wrong!' strengthens what you know to be true.

[head on desk] That's a heaviness…! not on you. This could've been a very simple answer. I'm strange and chattery, for I don't talk IRL and only online. At least, in length…

ART…! art is eye-catching. It is intrinsic. Of course, my artwork pulls people in (but I captured attention b4 I started, as I only began in winter 2020, blah) for any colorful stimuli it kickstarts the brain. Nervous symptom responses.

(i don't think it provokes the sympathetic nervous system SPECIFICALLY, but i'm not abt to rabbit-hole myself into certainty. sensory is prolly also incorrect, just in a 'less wrong' kind. i'm singling out nervous specifically, as the 'colorful'ness of art prolly agitates the body first into, 'is this a toxic plant' survivalism and NOT the visual aesthetics of being 'pleasing to the brain,' i think that's a secondry concern, aaaand i'm rambling abt special interest SORRY)

word-of-mouth, 'reblogs,' or searches is how people notice the un-art. Fanfic writers. Clever meta. Observations. Diary-ing. to 'appeal,' you have to either - as mentioned previously - change yourself, or redirect your goal - but for less extensive… Journaling via pen-and-paper, or a notes app, is easy in THEORY but difficult in PRACTICE. these don't fulfill the, 'exchange,' because journals and notes are private. However. These are good practices. Writing onto yourself sharpens the ability to communicate, your dialect - there's a difference of 'early' ramblings here to current ones. (admittedly, a, 'there's been developments in psychosis,' is a portion rather than True improvement, but it's not a singularity)

review sites i.e letterboxd and backloggd serve similarity, but are dedicated to movies/video games respectively. And, they center around either criticism, or humor - which isn't what you want… you want your natural self to be attractive. I do think you could find enjoyment outside, and it can be good fun or a learning exercise finding out that You Hate Writing Meta.