#and i was reading up on it and it sounds like they have a ton more stuff planned??
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Little Things You Can Do To Get Back On Track - Timeless ⏳
If you came from my “Why Am I Still Unsatisfied?” reading, sit back and relax. Take in the messages I am collecting at this moment. These are very simple things you can do today to get yourself back on the track of life.
Note: This is meant to be short and simple, but a storm of butterflies can whip up a tsunami. I got more than what I asked for from my spirit guides today. It seems you have a lot to hear. You never know what could impact your life. “You should be prepared.”
DO BEFORE YOU READ: Clear your mind. Close your eyes, inhale deeply, fill up your chest to the fullest, feel the air brush against the ridges of your nose. Breathe out. You are no longer alone. Choose the photo that you can’t take your eyes off of.
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Pile 1. “Simple is best.”
• You could use some vitamin C, to be honest. But don’t overdo it. Learn more about your body and keep up with it—things like how fast you metabolize certain things, but if you’re on medication or supplements, be aware that metabolizing medication is different from metabolizing food. You also either drink too much water or too little.
• If you’re prone to procrastination, start looking for libraries and cafes to help you better focus.
• TAKE BREAKS. Mental, emotional, all of it. Look out the window and observe things that catch your attention. Maybe you’ll start to realize that life does have its small and beautiful moments.
• You don’t have to be surrounded by friends and people all the time. Allow yourself some you-time, explore places on your own—I keep seeing someone wearing a scarf, drinking a hot-warm coffee (coffee is super dehydrating for you btw, so make sure you drink tons of water), fall season. Lounging around in your room and having a show binge by yourself is also good. It’d be nice if you had at least one day off every week to spend by yourself, without the presence of other people.
• Remember that you should recharge yourself too and that saying “no” is okay. You don’t have to be responsible for everyone else.
• Take a walk at dawn, but wear a jacket when you do so. Be wary of your surroundings still, but when you have a moment, breathe in the air of an area that has a dewy smell to it. Damp or rainy seasons work fine. Watch the sun come up for a few seconds and take that time to appreciate your environment.
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Pile 2. “Rejection is Okay.”
• Have you gone on any dates recently? I’m seeing a girl with her legs crossed at a cozy cafe, but she’s not bothered by it. She’s neutral in fact, very simple existing, and she’s reading a wall full of post-it notes from other couple. She seems intrigued, although not overly. Just neutral and an “oh, how nice” kind of vibe.
• Perhaps there is a lack of confidence. You should strive to be someone that is okay with being alone in public—specifically LOOKING alone in public. No, that does not make you seem lonely. It makes you comfortable with your own presence. Maybe you tend to think a lot or contemplate often.
• Working on leadership skills could be something. Maybe you’d like to become more assertive? I don’t have too much advice for this group, to be honest. But you should learn how to stand up for yourself more and be careful so that people don’t take advantage of you (for anything/any reason) easily.
• Condition your mind to not caring what others think. Obviously, there’s a limit and rules set in place so that we don’t get in legal trouble—I’m talking about your mindset. Don’t let others get to you easily and work more on your posture. Standing/sitting up straighter will begin to subtly convince your mind and you that you’re confident.
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Pile 3. “It’s too quiet.”
• journaling can help. It might sound boring or it might be hard to sit in one place for a while, but you have to practice it. Discipline yourself.
• Kind of similar to pile 1, but this is a less responsible group. Don’t distract yourself from your problems and face them head on. Being cowardly isn’t a good trait to have. Be mindful about drinking and what other things you’re putting in your body. This could bite you back in the future.
• Friends may be questionable, may try to convince you to do things you weren’t initially planning to do/try. Be wary of this and stand up for yourself.
• Another thing if you do drink, learn not to drink away your problems or get high enough to escape them. It’s hard, I know. But you have to realize how important it is to live. Don’t be so reckless. If your soul is being let down, you’ll pay the consequences.
• If you feel like a failure or everyone around you says that you are, don’t feed into it. Build yourself up. Make something out of yourself but don’t let those people know. They’ll see it and possibly try to take credit. Don’t let them. Deal with it in a calm and diplomatic manner and turn your head away. You don’t need that extra nonsense. Simple acknowledgement is what they really need, so don’t give them the attention. You’ll mature so much from this.
• It might feel lonely and you may think you’re the only person who’s overthinking/overfeeling about something, or you feel like you’re different from the people you hang out with somehow. A small part of you probably thinks there’s more to life than just…this. Whatever you’re doing to pass the time and simply have fun. Like “they wouldn’t understand so I gotta fake it til I make it” type of energy. Laughing it off type of energy. “Ah, whatever- it’s nothing~” energy. Find like-minded people who share the same interests as you and bond with them. You will experience more authenticity in these relationships than your previous ones.
• Pile 3, you definitely have a bit to learn and it takes work, but you have it in you. The potential is very obviously there. You know it too, but you brush it off—don’t deny it. Don’t be scared of it and learn to speak its language. Reach your hand out to whatever is in that mental cave of yours and show it some kindness. It’s okay for it to come out. You’ll learn that it will take your hand faster than you’d thought. Don’t let doubt get in the way. This pile thinks A LOT and likes to drown it out, because it’s easy. Let yourself think and feel the emotions, bad or good. You won’t even recognize what you were holding back. You have power to impact people more than you realize. Good luck Pile 3, you have this.
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Lil Teddy note: I hope you enjoyed this reading guys!! Today I asked for simple things that my readers could do to improve their lives and become better beings. I meant to keep it concise and give 3D, things-you-could-do-in-the-present type of things, but apparently, I received other messages to give that involved mental and physical health as well. Some piles made me feel worried and passionate, like their higher selves were desperate to get them out of these ruts or situations. The signs have been there but maybe some piles haven’t been taking them seriously or have been brushing them off one too many times. This is your sign man 😂😂 Please, take yourselves seriously and realize that you’ve only got a shot of this. Stay safe, work on that confidence, and learn to be with yourself. With all that being said, take what resonates and leave what doesn’t!! Thank you for coming to our reading today :) Teddy outttt
#tarot reading#pac tarot#daily tarot#tarot#intuition#intuitive#spirituality#spiritualgrowth#pick a pile#pick a photo#pick a card
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The more I learn about Civil War politics, the more I'm convinced that Lincoln's most impressive and useful leadership trait was that he never let his pride get in the way of doing his job.
Other people in Lincoln's position would have come to Washington with something to prove. They'd have resented the insults and tried to disprove them. They'd have tried to seize power and credit, rejected help, spent a lot of time trying to reach a certain level of respect.
Lincoln's response to, "You're just a backwoods lawyer with no executive experience who makes too many dumb jokes," was pretty much always, "Yeah. And?" He had no interest in petty personal power plays. He had a country to run. There was a war on. It didn't matter what people thought of him so long as the job got done.
He was aware of his personal shortcomings and was always willing to accept advice and help from people who had more knowledge and experience in certain areas. He presided over a chaotic Cabinet full of abrasive personalities who thought they were better and smarter than him, but he kept working with them because they could get the job done. For example: Stanton was absolutely horrible to him when they were both working as lawyers. Just incredibly mean on a personal level. But when Lincoln needed someone to replace Cameron, he swallowed his pride and appointed Stanton as Secretary of War, where Stanton proceeded to be mean to everyone in the world, but he whipped that department into shape and kept it running efficiently through a very chaotic war. Pretty much no one except Lincoln would have been able to put up with that. He could put up with people who were personally difficult if they could do the job he needed them to do--which he was only able to do because his own ego didn't get in the way.
Lincoln's example is a prime demonstration of how humility isn't underrating yourself--it's being so secure in your own abilities and identity that you don't need to attack anyone or defend yourself to prove your worth. He knew his shortcomings, but he also knew his strengths. He was willing to give other people credit for successes and take blame upon himself for failures if it kept things running smoothly. He was secure enough in his own power that he could deal generously--but firmly--with people who tried to undermine him. In a city full of huge egos, in a profession that rewards puffed-up pride, that levelheaded humility is an extremely rare trait--which is what made it so impressive and effective.
#history is awesome#presidential talk#so i went to a teeny backwater thrift store today#their tiny history book section just happened to have an old lincoln biography#i opened to the page about the cabinet#which describes the situation like 'seward was calling himself premier and lording it over everyone'#'blair was causing problems everywhere'#'welles was insulting everyone in his diary and especially hated stanton grant and seward'#'and stanton hated absolutely everyone in the whole wide world'#and as i was reading this i was internally kicking my legs with excitement and cackling with glee because this is the good stuff#i don't know why but i love these horrible petty men#they're like a bunch of raccoons fighting over territory in a dumpster fire it's so great#i read the whole chapter right there in the store#and it impressed upon me yet again how impressive lincoln was to put up with all these guys#(the writer was a bit simplistic and made a lot of these guys come off as worse than they were)#(like he made seward sound like a complete incompetent when he was a pretty good secretary of state)#(he had some grandiose ideas but the man deserves a lot of credit for keeping england out of the war)#(but for a one-chapter summary of these guys it wasn't exactly wrong and it was a ton of fun)#i very much did not want another book especially another american history book#but it was only fifty cents and i have a pouch full of spare change#and the writer's style was so much fun that i decided to take the book with me#i don't plan to read the whole thing (i'm sick of lincoln bios) but it's fun to dip into for things like this#and i had to talk to you about it
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caw 🦅
#neopets#neotag#neoart#eyrie#mutant#vin doods#I can't beat the allegations that i doodle dnd creatures on a daily with this one huh#god i love mutants eyries so much i'm sorry i gavehim more draconic features but uGH;#what great colours lmao#I also gave inverted knees to the hooves cause i aint doing whatever neos doing#can you tell i have a thing for dnd and dragons in general im so sorry JAKLSDF#also in topic i've been so wanting to make a neo player's manual for so stupidly long its insane#might actually do it at one point#i had species and proficiencies and everything at one point i think its all gone lol#also for a fact that i'd be a me-thing for the most part#like i'd be the only one wanting it or playing according to it#my other friends none like neopets so yeah#god do i want to dm a neopian adventure i have tons planned lmao#but oh well#i'm super greatful for all positive commenta ad every like and reblog you guys ave given meeeee#i sound like a broken record but i swear i try to not leave this blog for long but i always read your tags and crack up to them sajhas#i know i've left a couple of you on read that actually wanted to know about my characters BUT IM SO SORRYYYY#my master's taking so long and everytime there's something new and have to rewrite and replan everthing everyday i hate it here#but i will do it#i know i will#both the lore writting and my thesis HASJKHASJS#anyways if you're still reading dont be afraid to shoot up a couple of messages! It might make this blog less dead
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at the risk of sounding like really entitled….
does anyone else have a fic that is their most popular, but you don’t want it to be, because you don’t think it deserves it, and you have better stuff, and while ofc you are grateful that people like something you wrote, it’s almost annoying that for some reason That one is the most popular. lmao
#for me it’s this like time travel shenanigans ml fic called Why Are You Like This#which I had a ton of fun writing and I like the fic#but I also tend to forget about it lol#and then I see that it’s my most popular one and I’m like ‘not but this isn’t even in my top 5 favorite fics I’ve written. why’ hdjsjs#it’s probably closer to the bottom of the top 10? and I do not have that many fics hahaha#I remember rooting so hard for tell me something I don’t know to surpass it in kudos#which it eventually DID and I was so happy#but then later WAYLS passed up tms again lol#and I was slightly annoyed to realize that WAYLS was my first to break 5k kudos#while tms still hasn’t#it’s very close tho I need like. 2 more#ok ok sorry this definitely sounds super entitled DHDKDK#I promise I am VERY grateful for every fic interaction!! every kudos or comment I’ve ever received!!#thank you thank you to anyone who has ever read my stuff💜#I just think this is kind of funny#cause I keep scratching my head wondering why that one is the top fic#I think ppl just rly enjoy time travel stuff?#also I did it as a gift for yunyin based on one of her comics so that probably boosted it haha#anyway
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gratitude list time I'll go first
#stopped caring about some things I was caring far too much about#it's another rainy dreary day which means I can wear cozy clothes and curl up with my brother's dog and coffee and a book#little guy and I are just chillin. he's tiny and shorthaired so he gets cold easily and likes to cuddle up#and seeing as I'm the only person home rn... doggo cuddle time it is!!!#I've been reading more lately!! I'm having trouble with tbosas so I got out a couple other things (sea of tranquility included)#that I've really enjoyed. I'm reading turtles all the way down right now and oh boy I forgot how nice a little contemporary#coming of age novel can be at times. also forgot that john green is a genuinely good writer. as in I personally enjoy his style.#let's see... my favorite sound guy for church is home from college for the summer which means THERES SOMEONE HERE#WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS HOW THE SOUND SYSTEM WORKS. me and the other sound guys have been barely#managing the last couple months bc there's been a ton of random technical glitches (the system is pretty old tbh)#so HALLELUJAH THE PERSON WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT TO DO IS BACK!!!!#I've been branching out into a bunch of things I wouldn't have thought to enjoy lately bc of the time I've been spending#with my sister in law. music and tv shows and even foods and stuff!!!#Gurt is coming to visit me in a week and a day!!!!!! I'm SO EXCITED#and last but certainly not least I gave myself bangs again and honestly I'm so happy about it.
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I follow some ppl who went nuts for She Who Became the Sun, and since it's the best kind of advertisement for me, I obviously read it, and was baffled. So good. Can recommend.
I tend to read actual published books mostly in my native language since, y'know, I'm pretty sure the translator speaks the og language better than me. Turns out this book is a duology and everyone and their mother already read book 2 and I'm here with book 1, which was released in 2023.
However. Someone thought that they should just use the Hungarian transcript for the names, which is kinda okay for me, since I don't speak Chinese at all and had to beg for a pronunciation chart for MDZS (but in my mind I still said those names as they were written. Let's not talk about it.) My Chinese speaking friend almost cried blood when she saw the names.
Long story short, it took me a while to decipher that people are talking about those books in detail, bc Ouyang is the only one who I was able to recognise from those posts. Esen? Who's that? Oh, you mean Jeszün, aaaaa
Here I am, avoiding spoilers like bullets in the Matrix with the power of language barrier
#for that two english speaking ones who might read this post until this point#i am so honoured#i love you#also most of hungarian words actually written as they are pronounced#so it's obvious that for different writing systems you use write it as you hear it method#why learn a transcript when you can just. write it like that.#i said that and cringe every time i see Ucsiha Szaszuke#the problem with chinese transcript is that they have like a ton of ch and ch-ish sound#you bet all of them are written as cs in hungarian#mongolian names are easier#she who became the sun#the radiant emperor#after i actually put my hands on book two i'll look up how you write Hszü Ta's name
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im sleep deprived n just had a random question, during lucy’s interview, lockwood uses a memento from his first successful case to test lucy’s talent. and i just couldnt help but wonder if he did that case solo or with george and how exactly did it go since lucy had this to say abt it (im pretty the answers in the books but ive yet to buy them and idm spoilers so :,))
#i sound so stupid ik but i need to know#or else i will die#because its bothering me that i don’t know and am prolly the only one asking abt it#now that i think of it#it seems like a solo adventure to me#istg i need to read the books#I FEEL SO BEHIND LIKE 🥲🥲#i need to Sleep wtf#i finally touched my assignments after ages and my fingers have given up completely#and i still have a shit ton of them pending#anthony lockwood#lockwood and co#lockwoodandco#cameron chapman#locklyle#ruby stokes#lucy carlyle
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Song of the Day: April 15
"Something in the Way She Moves" by James Taylor
#song of the day#it's been two weeks + two days since the last song of the day#the issue is you see that I started the songs up again in December because my insomnia was fucking up my perception of time#and I wanted some kind of regular marker to help me keep track#and then what happened two weeks + two days ago is that I lost all track of time and subsequently the songs of the day failed#I'm gonna see if I can keep up again for a bit now that I've re-restarted without an alarm on my phone#but if I miss any this week I'll just give in and turn the alarm back on#updates from the last two weeks are going to sound so chaotic let's see#I got a new project at work /and/ I got demoted /and/ I got added to a higher access level /and/ I'm in charge of a new database#yes all of those things together. I'm to be an accountant now! not instead but in addition to my other stuff. should be interesting#I didn't get April Fools off like I was scheduled to because all my scheduled vacation got unapproved#(I was here for about twenty nonsequential minutes to boop people and I'm glad I made time for it. extremely fun to boop)#I lied shamelessly to get eclipse day off and we went on a full-day roadtrip and it was wonderful. everything I dreamed and more#I killed one of my baby succulents through clumsiness and rabbits ate my pea plants but my sage and cabbages look promising#got a massive pot of mint flourishing on my porch and the horseradish is gorgeous#got Duncan lights and plants and a filter system for his frog tank but we haven't set up the substrate yet#so there's just potted plants sitting inside a terrarium. very amusing honestly#I've been playing a little Stardew and eating a /lot/ of hot sauce and tofu#drinking tons of klass aguas frescas--especially the soursop one. holy shit is it good. the mango and hibiscus also#and these past few days I've been sleeping better#for most of those two weeks I was getting a handful of twenty-minute naps each workday and then crashing unwillingly on the weekend#I haven't read any comic books since February :'( this weekend we're going to costco and then I'm reading comics until Monday#what have y'all been up to? I've missed being around#edit: oh shit the actual song part. anyway this is James Taylor! makes me happy and helps me settle. good vibes songs#I'm half-panicked about work all the time recently and then also today was tax day (Nick's taxes. blegh)#James Taylor doing some heavy lifting round here
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so i did watch jocks in jills as per my usual monday routine
#we had another wonderful couch session with better audio than last time#i saw them in tv makeup and knew immediately what happened lmao [they partied w team ca and didn't sleep]#on another note they have got to fix the trade process like these players get asked about it and they can barely come up with any positives#oh and miss julia tocheri revealed the poulin and desbiens do a ton of interviews for the french broadcast#bc it's required for equal coverage and they are the only ones who speak french which makes sense#so i've got to find those if anyone can hook a girl up lmk [i will take this worlds last worlds any team ca game]#also julia and i have the same read on the t swift situation live laugh love#the vanisova interview was good sound was bad tho :(#i will say that tessa really rides on having existing relationships with these players#i think she is probably better at broadcast than podcast and i'm ok with that#julia is better i think at getting good interviews out of the players they don't know [ie not on team canada] which makes sense#considering she is doing more of the interviewing on the broadcasts#anyways thanks for coming to my post script live tweet of the episode once again i cannot recommend the youtube version enough
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The funniest review I ever saw of one of my fics was someone being like "Ronan wouldn't hide being gay from Declan it's 2015" ghjdhfgk ah yes 2015, the year homophobia disappeared
#feel like I've made this post before but WHATEVER i just saw it again#my writing#new man#it still makes no sense to me#their other issue was that Ronan doesn't lie which I addressed in the fic#like ok don't read it?? there have been tons of fics I didn't read cause I didn't vibe with the characterisation#didn't go and bitch about them on twitter damn#esp when I clearly didn't read them???#anyway I sound mad but i'm not I just think it's so funny#from a writer pov you get all up in your head about getting criticism and most of the time it just doesn't make sense#but honestly writing class trained me so well for this#sometimes people misunderstand your work SO much#and you can't respond to them and you just have to sit and deal#(not just talking about this referring to writing stuff in general + my work stuff)#like I'm glad we weren't allowed to defend our work in writing class cause it's trained me well#to either learn from the feedback or sit back and be like ???? and then just move on
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chinese reading notes:
my reading skill is funny (to me) because like. if reading sort of focusing on individual words, like when i read knowing i’m going to look words up (so reading intensively), it feels like i don’t know as much as compared with
when i’m reading extensively, particularly when i play audio (so i can’t stop or pause), when i comprehend things JUST FINE that if i read slower with word lookup i’d be ‘stumbling’.
i think part of this odd contradiction with reading skill, is when i read extensively like i must when audio is playing, i just take the context+hanzi i know+unknown-hanzi-radicals and then make a guess of any unknowns which is usually perfectly close to the real meaning. i have to make the guess instantly so i just rely on what i recognize. Like when i heard “effervescent” or “macabre” something in an english audiobook, i STILL as an adult am not sure on the exact definition, but based on how i heard it in the audiobook or when reading i can guess what it means good enough.
So like. When I’m reading chinese extensively, which listening alongside audio requires of me, i do the same process in my brain. i see the equivalent of “luminescent” and like with english i just guess based on what i’ve got instantly and move on. Which is a good skill frankly to be able to also do in chinese as in my other reading languages. But, when I slow myself down and MAKE myself look up words, i suddenly am no longer seeing sentences as a ‘whole’ and start using word lookup for lots of individual words i could have figured out from context. On the upside, this word lookup is likely helping increase my mental information of said words. On the downside, it slows me down a lot, and perhaps i should go back to my old rule of “only 5-10 word lookups per chapter” so i don’t pause so much unless its a word i actually could use direct full definition help for.
I’ve been reading dmbj 1, and of course intensively reading it with Readibu (like most things this month). And for the first 3 chapters i’d say that was useful, as dmbj has some genre-specific unknown words (miners lamp, shovels, tomb, bury, engraving, scroll, mummy etc) that were useful to know the Specific Definition for and then repeatedly look up and drill initially so I’d know them quickly. But now that I’m at chapter 11? I noticed that when I extensively read it with the audio playing, i got through the chapter faster and had no problem following the plot. Whereas I know when I extensively read chapter 10 i stopped a bunch to look up words, and now i know i was probably mostly looking up words i’m now familiar enough to grasp in context i was just leaning on word-lookup as a crutch.
Will i keep leaning on the crutch? Not sure. Like srs flashcards, or Listening Reading Method (when doing both steps 2 and 3), i think repeatedly looking up unknown and ‘foggy’ words as i read does do the repetitive-definition exposure that tends to get words learned quickly. So while repeated-word-lookup of words i’d learn eventually anyway through context slows down reading speed, it does probably allow me to pick up these words Faster than picking the words up only through extensive reading. (On the flipside though, if you’re also doing a lot of reading, a decent amount of extensive reading really really HELPS ones ability to comprehend full sentences whether u know what’s in them or not, so some extensive reading is always good).
I am trying to do a balance right now of extensive to intensive, so that I’m at least Sometimes picking up words the same way i did in english reading. I’m currently extensively reading 梦幻小公主 1, which is perfect for this. It feels a LOT like reading in middle school in english felt for me - lots of words i know, and lots of new fantasy/description words i don’t know but can guess really easily. I also needed to add some fantasy reading anyway - eventually i need to grasp horror (i already have a good vocab for this), crime (decent vocab but i need more police/legal vocab), supernatural (i already have good vocab), fantasy/xianxia (i know basic terms but need more), wuxia (i know basic but need more), and business (need a lot more) genre vocabulary. I’m also extensively reading 镇魂 while listening to the audiobook (who knows how long i’ll stick to it/if i’ll finish ToT), which is a good ‘harder’ novel for me to do other extensive reading in.
completely unrelated:
nothing like seeing japanese again to remind me how utterly grateful i am for how hanzi work. i learned during studying chinese that i’m actually quite an auditory learner. as in, i tend to remember sounds well and sounds help me remember things, audio learning materials seem to work well for me etc. So with hanzi, usually hanzi only have 1 pronunciation (or a couple in some particular cases which at least for the de/di have to do with grammar function), and that pronunciation usually is tied to a radical in the hanzi. Now that I’ve learned the basic hanzi and gotten farther, i realize how i learn a VAST majority of new hanzi is “oh those radicals! its pronounced X! now i’ll listen to the audio real quick, remember X=this word meaning, and the water radical hints its moisture cool got it!” I remember 搂， 握， 提，抬， 拉 this way - hand radical so it has to do with hand-related verb movements, the other half is the pinyin so i just remember oh lou=X meaning if i see it with a hand radical. Idk if i’m explaining well, but basically sound is a huge way i remember hanzi and their meaning. I see new hanzi and for me the radical/portion related to sound IS the sound ‘spelling’ to me. So its kind of like how i recognize english words but a bit different? like i see “lumi” in english and know that spelling means “light”. Well for hanzi i see the pronunciation portion and know okay i remember that spelling+hand radical = X word. So for me hanzi start looking like word-pieces, which are just as easy to start recognizing as they were in english.
Meanwhile, with japanese, the kanji are truly my weakest point to remember. Remembering the meanings is NOT hard, because so many meanings vaguely transfer from hanzi to kanji or are close enough i can relate the new japanese meaning to the kanji fairly easily. What is hard, is the pronunciation. So many kanji have several pronunciations, and i am used to relating a portion of pronunciation to the radical/portion of the character. with kanji i can’t do that, i might see the same ‘sound’ radical in 3 kanji but they aren’t pronounced the same! And of course i’ll see a SINGLE kanji, and on it’s own it will have a few pronunciations. i never realized my hurdle back when i started japanese years ago wasn’t actually kanji meaning remembering. My hurdle was actually “brain likes to associate ONE sound to one symbol” and kanji do not do that.
In my brain hanzi are a bit like english in that a portion of it (the sound portion) just is ‘spelling/pronunciation’ in my mind, and then the other portion is a hint of wtf the sound means (which in a way is nicer than english which does not always hint wtf the word means within the word). Kanji don’t seem to have any inherent “this is the pronunciation obviously” component, and i think for me that confuses the hell out of me. Which is even further complicated by the fact kanji change pronunciation representation depending on both words, and conjugations attached at the end.
Anyway, as a result of my brain getting hung up on kanji pronunciation: my japanese reading-only skills are evolving fairly well (thanks hanzi-near-cognate transfer ToT), and my listening-only skills improve fairly expectedly (yay). But the combination of being able to know the pronunciation of what i read? Is VERY limited to only words i know well through listening. Because i need to know the word SO well that i remember the pronunciation and just match it up to the “symbol kanji-conjugated hiragana” reading chunk. Hence my study has been heavily leaning toward listening to japanese for the past year. Because the stronger my listening foundation, the better my kanji pronunciation. But without the listening foundation in a word, the kanji words keep fucking confusing me - their meaning is easy enough to remember, but their pronunciation (and therefore the specific word they represent) is so hard for me to figure out.
#rant#reading#progress#anyway i think learning i AM an audio learner this past year was a big thing#it makes a lot of things make more sense#like back when i studied french and spanish. i simply could NOT stop confusing them until i studied pronunciation for both languages.#then simply having that mental sound distinction in my head made keeping them separate eons easier.#with chinese i think i partly picked up on it fast BECAUSE its svo structure which just is easier to me to intuitively grasp.#but also because its hanzi are visual-audio symbols. and rely on those both a lot#i remember visuals easily. but even more than that i apparently rely heavily on pronunciation#like... i think what would help me a TON in japanese would be a book/course#that explains a lot of japanese 'root word' sounds. like how in english 'lumi' means light#i need to know what sounds usually mean X topic in japanese.#if i knew any time i saw hajime it meant 'start/begin' then new words would get easier to link to pronunciation#any time i saw 'hana' if i knew it often meant it was flower related. id remember easier#basically if i knew root word sounds in japanese. i feel my sound/visual lack of information would stump me less.#i wonder if such a book/resource exists
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what an enjoyable and heartwarming musical nerds chapter with only really one scene that made me sad ! i sure hope the ending isn't completely soul crushing and leaves me dying on the side of the road !
#ignore my emotional ranting . this is proof it was a very very good chapter and i enjoyed it so much rain#for reference . yes it's the fight scene that was the one scene .#it's 5 am i have two quizzes tomorrow . i will not be able to focus because of this#oh my god . oh my god .#the fucking . the fucking ending .#what if i cried really hard right now . what if i cried#i know i say this every chapter but i am being so honest . i am so honest right now i am so worried for next chapter .#FANNY YOU FUCK DONT READ THIS IF YOU HAVENT FINISHED YET#I WILL CRY SO HARD THEYRE GETTING SPLIT UP AGAIN WHATCIF I CRIED SO HARD#on one hand . i really want to see what actually happens and how sweet will handle the weeks they're gone .#on the other . muffled weeping from me stuffing my face in a pillow#i'll say it again the emotional response is proof this was a really good chapter i liked it a ton thank you rain :]#also . it's like 5 am . if some of this stuff sounded weird or came off wrong i'm . very tired so i apologize
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I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.
I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:
Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)
Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)
Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often
Eat dessert first
Celebrate well, and often
Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)
Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.
Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate
Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)
Walk without having a specific destination or goal
Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.
I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.
#mental health#mental health support#positivity#if anybody has ideas of their own definitely include them!#i just think being stuck with this feeling that you don't have autonomy and that you ultimately aren't an equal person or a person at all..#...in comparison to other people can be a really troubling and dangerous place to be in...#...and that isn't the person's fault for feeling that way. they didn't pluck those thoughts out of thin air...#...like i have felt that exact way all my LIFE because i have been abused for. probably 2/3s of my life...#...only within these past few years have i even FELT alive. frankly it's going to take a while to repair what i have been left with...#...so i know the feeling and i want to help others feel even a LITTLE bit alive. you deserve it...#...you deserve to take in a deep breath before slowly realizing 'oh my gd this is what it feels like to be alive' and SMILE about it#i want that for you even if it is brief. even if it is small. even if it is a whisper. i want you to feel alive#unironically getting rid of the idea of 'guilty pleasures' has made my life SO much better
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Thinking about Edward Elric as the Amestrian Military's specialest little unfireable boy
State alchemists can be fired for underperforming. We know this up front from the likes of Shou Tucker. And this makes a ton of sense from the homunculi's standpoint since the state alchemists are sacrifice candidates, and the homunculi would want to cull the weakest candidates and focus only on cultivating the strongest ones who stand the best chance of opening the portal.
........Then there's Edward. Who's already opened the portal.
There's no need to cultivate him. No gamble taken on whether he's good enough to open the portal. He passed the final test already. Graduated 4 semesters early.
And as such, has a free pass to do Absolute Fuck All.
And I'm imagining how funny this is from like an outside perspective.
Some newish state alchemist who'd only ever read up on the stories of Edward Elric, ready and excited to start their career of being paid handsomely with endless freedom to research and travel and do anything they want in the pursuit of science... surprised and confused to find themselves put on probation their first month for things like "ignoring orders." Which is, as best they had thought, a famous Edward Elric pastime.
Roy showing a slight bit of stress about his yearly state alchemist report, and Ed just snorting and rolling his eyes at Roy because every year HE just hastily does his on the train ride over (canon in the manga, a travesty it was left out of the anime) and it gets rubber stamped. Ed not realizing that other alchemists' reports get genuinely scrutinized and torn apart while Ed is free to turn in whatever absolute bullshit he thinks of 36 hours ahead of time. One year his report was about whether alchemy could be done via dance (conclusion: no it can't) and no one cared. Roy WANTS to tell Ed there's some kind of unknown favoritism around Ed making him literally bullet-proof but Roy has no way to phrase this that doesn't sound like he's just in denial and mad at how good Ed's train-reports are.
Guy from the Internal Amestrian Affairs sector who's responsible for auditing other internal military personel for any suspicious activity hitting about 1 million red flags for Edward Elric, issuing a STRONG and URGENT recommendation to suspend the alchemist pending further investigation into things like "literal bunk-buddies with two members of the Xingese royalty (enemy nation)" and "spent $10,000,000 of his stipend on a librarian to make her re-copy (what he seemed to interpret as?) military records in some extremely transparent effort to unearth state secrets (it was a recipe book but he was literally asking her about state secrets)" and "literally has never once obeyed an order, ever, not even once in his career, and is on public record having said 'I do not care about the goals and protections of the Amestrian Military. I am in fact only pursuing my own interests several of which are diametrically opposed to the safety and well-being of the governing body of Amestris'"
The issued recommendation is intercepted before it even reaches its intended desk. President Bradley himself has taken issue with it and denies it before a single set of eyes has seen it. The President's veto stamp is a terrifying hammer, used rarely, and it is now sitting on the auditor's desk.
The auditor sleeps with one eye open from then on out.
#fma#fullmetal alchemist#fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood#fma:b#literally anything about the dynamic between edward and the amestrian government is so so so funny to me#im begging you to come pick up your alchemist he keeps committing treason#Roy: absolute perfect ass-kisser and career-man playing the part 24/7 to disguise his treasonous ambitions and still#not flying under the radar#Edward on his public Twitter: bored. might tear down the Amestrian government for fun.
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I feel like I'm gonna fucking die
#my mom made me feel guilty about the music I listen to bc I got my sister into Paramore and our mom REALLY disapproves of Pmore#I accidentally dropped a small item down the toilet mid-flush and now I'm sick worrying what's gonna happen#i have to go to worship practice tonight and deal with an extremely difficult sound technician#youth group has been horribly stressful#i need to do a ton of work still tonight#I just found out I massively screwed up on a job app a couple weeks ago#and I just want to like. disappear for a while#just like. poof. no more Lu for a bit#I feel like Anything I do is gonna be Wrong somehow#I can't listen to music to chill bc i feel guilty ABOUT LISTENING TO MUSIC#I don't think I have the mental space to read rn bc I'm reading fricking house of leaves#if I tried to write I would probably hate what comes out#but idk that seems the most promising at this point that's the only thing I can honestly say I want to do#Lu rambles#sorry for the language I just needed to vent
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firewood
masterlist ko-fi ao3
Lumberjack! Bucky Barnes x Reader
Summary: When you decide to chop wood in your backyard, your hot neighbor, who happens to be a lumberjack, offers you some help.
Word count: 4.8K
Warnings: +18❗️smut, hot neighbor bucky is a fucking warning, kinda size kink, rough sex, protected sex, dirty talk, pet names
Author's note: this is one of my favorite works, so I hope everyone who hasn't read it before will like it too (it's hard to not fall for lumberjack Bucky, tbh🤷♀️)
“Hey, do you need help?” You stopped what you were doing. You breathed heavily, your arms ached, and you were already sweating. The man, your neighbor, whom you already saw a few times when you arrived home, was standing before you with his hands in his jeans pockets.
He was attractive. Really handsome. Probably 6 feet tall, with broad shoulders and visibly a lot of muscles under the clothes. Yeah, that red henley left nothing for your imagination. His dark hair was put in a low bun, and he had a little stubble on his face. But you mostly noticed his bright blue eyes, which looked straight at you very attentively.
“Sorry, what?” You said as you wiped sweat from your forehead with the sleeve of your shirt.
“I asked if you needed help. Sorry, but it seems like you have some troubles.” He smiled at you almost shyly, and you couldn’t even make yourself mad at his words.
“Um, It’s my first time doing it.” You awkwardly smiled back, finally putting a big ax to the ground. “But I need wood for my fireplace, so I have to work with what I have.”
“I see… but don’t you have a boyfriend or a husband? I mean, it’s not really easy to do for a woman, and you seem pretty... petite for this?” It almost sounded like a question. “I wanted to say that I can help you if you allow me, because that thing might be really dangerous if you don’t know how to work with it, and I'm a lumberjack, so... it’s not a problem for me.” He awkwardly started to rub his neck. “I’m Bucky, by the way.”
“For a woman?” You playfully arched an eyebrow. “So you think that only men can do this?” You saw how his eyes widened, and you tried to hold your laughter.
“No, no! That’s not what I meant!” He lifted both hands in the air. “It’s just gonna take you forever to do, and as I said before, It’s not the safest work. And since this is my job, I could’ve helped you. As a neighbor, you know?”
“Relax, I’m just joking.” You softly smiled at him. “Nice to finally meet you. I’m Y/N.” You reached out your hand. Bucky’s face relaxed, but then his lips curled into a mischievous smile.
“I like you.” He said, as he shook your hand. His grip was tight, and you felt that he really did a lot of physical work with his hands.
“Oh… thanks?”
“Soo, do you need help?” He asked again.
“Um, honestly, I don’t know. I can’t just let you work for me for free. Can I pay you?”
“Doll, I have enough money, and I don’t need yours. I don’t think that you need tons of firewood, so it would be easy work for me.”
“Okay, but maybe I can give you food? Pastry? I really love to cook, and everyone said that I’m good at it.” You nervously played with your sleeve while Bucky was staring directly at you.
“Deal. I would honestly die for homemade food, ‘cause last time I ate it was at my ma’s and I really miss it. But you don’t have to do this, okay?”
“And you don’t have to help me.” You shot back.
Bucky’s smile grew wider, and he started shaking his head. “You have some temper, doll... Friday is okay?”
“Yeah, totally, any time you’re free.”
“Deal. I should probably go, and you better start training to cook food for me. I am really picky, and you insisted on paying me with it.” He said and started to walk back.
“Oh, shut up.” You laughed. “I know what I’m doing; don’t underestimate me!”
“Fine. See ya, doll.” Bucky waved at you with the biggest smile on his face and finally walked away.
Well, it’s gonna be interesting.
For the next almost two months, Bucky had been “working” for you, and you paid him with your food every single time because you couldn’t leave that man starving after he just got home from work and then willingly helped you.
You two got closer. Bucky was a really good man; you found out it while you were sitting in your backyard looking at how his muscles were moving with every swing of the ax. He was right that it wasn't a big deal for him—the job that you would’ve been doing for several hours he did in twenty or thirty minutes.
The conversation with Bucky was easy, he was a pretty reserved person, but he still told you everything about his job and his friends and asked you things about your life. It was hard not to fall for him. Especially when he gave you this boyish smile every time it was time to say goodbye or when you brought him your homemade food.
Usually he comes to your house every Friday after work around 6 p.m., but today it was already 8 and he still didn’t show up. There was no light in his windows either, so you became really worried that something serious had happened.
You were nervously sitting on the bar stool in your kitchen while your dinner was getting cold on the stove. You really had no appetite. What if he got injured from his dangerous work? Or maybe you were just overreacting and he went on a date with someone? You really had no reason to be worried that much because Bucky probably didn’t even think of you as a close friend, and you were just a too dramatic person with attachment issues.
The light knock on the door scared you a little bit, but you still jumped out of your seat to open it.
Bucky was standing there, visually perfectly fine and without any injuries, and you sighed with relief.
“Bucky, oh my god, hi. Are you okay? I was really worried about you, and I don’t even have your phone number to text or call.” You mumbled as your eyes studied his face.
“Hey, doll.” Bucky softly smiled at you, but it was obvious that he wasn’t really in the mood. “I’m fine. Just a shitty day at work. My boss went fucking crazy over nothing, and it was just a mess.” He ran a hand through his long hair. “But I have to do your firewood, so I'll go change and be back in a few minutes, ‘kay?”
He started to go back, but you caught him by his wrist. “No, Buck, wait. You don’t have to do it right now, really. I have enough wood, and you’re really exhausted. Come in; I have fresh lasagna and chocolate muffins.”
“Um—are you sure? I mean, you don’t have to.” He mumbled. You noticed that you were still holding his wrist, but decided to leave it that way.
“Don’t worry, I have enough food, and you look like you really need it. C’mon, don’t you want to eat something homemade and still hot after a bad day at work?” You gave him your best smile, and it was obvious in his eyes that he already agreed to your idea.
“Okay, we can do that. Honestly, I feel like I’m able to eat a fucking elephant.”
You both shared a laugh before you almost dragged him into your house and closed the door. Only at that moment did you realize that even though you gave Bucky a lot of food, he had never been at your place before. For some reason, you felt really excited to feed him and spend some time together.
“Sit here while I’m heating the food.” Bucky obediently took a seat, looking with a soft smile at how you were moving around in your little kitchen.
You looked so domestic and soft in the warm yellow lights of the room in the cute pink cotton dress with little flowers all over it. The concentration was written all over your face as you tried to perfectly set plates and cutlery on the table and then put steaming lasagna on it.
“Fuck, it smells so good; you’re going to kill me, doll.” He wasn’t able to handle the amazing smell of food right in front of him.
Your cheeks heated, and you waved your hand at him. “It’s just lasagna, Buck; don’t be dramatic.” You took a place near him, and you both started to eat your food.
“I’m not being dramatic. I already told you that, besides my ma, you have the best food in the world. I could’ve eaten it three times a day for the rest of my life and not gotten tired of it.” He took another big bite, moaning as the taste filled his mouth.
“You’re making me blush. No one ever told me this.”
“That’s my intention, doll. What, none of your boyfriends complemented your skills? Because I would’ve put the ring on that finger way too fast.” You looked at each other for a few seconds until you noticed that he had already finished his portion.
“Do you want more?” Ignoring his previous words, you stood up and took his plate to give him some extra food. The dress gently flew around your thighs, drawing Bucky’s attention to your legs when you turned around. “Anyway, what happened at work? You mentioned your boss.”
“Ugh, Pierce is a fucking dipshit. Everyone there hates him, but he has too much money, so we can’t do anything. Me and Steve have really been on bad terms with him since the first day. He tries to tell us how to do our work, but his head is so far up in his ass that he can’t even listen to what we say.” You returned to your place and put a plate in front of Bucky again. The frown took place on his face while he was talking about Pierce, so you put a hand on top of his without even thinking.
“He sounds like a total asshole. I’m sorry that you guys have to work for him.” Bucky’s face softened at your action. He flipped his hand so he could interlace your fingers, and you felt the warm feeling all over your body.
You both definitely felt something, but you still stayed silent, enjoying the connection. It was obvious that you had feelings for each other. It was just hard to admit out loud, and, honestly, Bucky was so scared that you might think that he did all of this just to get into your pants. Which is not true. Well, he doesn’t mind, but it’s not his only intention. He wants to treat you right and ask you out on a date.
Back then, he felt so bold and offered to help you with the firewood with the hope of getting to know you better. Steve and Sam obviously knew about his new “work” and teased him about it all day long. Unfortunately, he still didn’t find the right moment to ask you out. Those times when he came to you on Friday evenings and you were watching him work in your cute dresses or little pajamas were Bucky’s favorites. You looked so soft, cozy, and domestic that he wished to see you like this every day.
After the last piece of a chocolate muffin disappeared in Bucky’s mouth and he let out a moan of satisfaction, he sat in your kitchen with closed eyes and a smile on his face.
“If I had to have a shitty day just to get this type of meal at the end of the day, I’m ready for it.”
“Bucky!” You laughed at his dramatic words. “You don’t have to have a bad day. I can feed you just because.”
“Well, you said it yourself. Now you won’t get rid of me.” You both laughed. Then he suddenly got up and started to put plates in the sink. “You sit, and I’ll wash the dishes.”
“No, Bucky, that’s not how it works!” You got up and caught him by his bicep. Really hard and big bicep.
“Yes, it is. You’re cooking, then I’m cleaning.” He tried to get away from your grip to turn on the water, but you only held him stronger, now with both of your hands on his arms.
“Bucky.” When he was standing so close to you, you realized your size and height difference, and it made you shiver. You turned your head up to look him in the eyes. “You are my guest; you shouldn’t do this.”
“My mother taught me to always help women because they are not our maids.” He stepped a little bit closer. “But if you’re saying this only because you want me to leave, I can do that.”
You were both looking at each other, and what you saw in his eyes made you weak in the knees.
“No, no, I don’t want you to leave.” Your hands moved higher and fell on the sides of his neck. It was everything Bucky needed to finally kiss you.
Two large and rough hands took your face to bring your lips closer to Bucky’s height. He was gentle yet so passionate, and he slowly moved his lips against yours. It was mind-blowing how desperately you wanted him to devour you, to destroy you. While your hands were discovering his broad chest and shoulders, you felt that your body was suddenly lifted in the air and then placed on the kitchen counter.
Now that Bucky didn’t have to lean over to your height, it was easier to kiss you properly. His tongue brushed over your lips to ask for entrance, which you happily gave. Bucky felt too addicted to your taste, your smell, and the feeling of your smaller body against him. It drove him crazy.
“I've wanted to do that since the day I looked at you.” The hands on your hips tightened and moved you closer to his body. “You look so pretty, God.” Bucky’s eyes are running all over your face, trying to memorize every little thing.
“Bucky...” You dragged him closer again, desperate to connect your lips. His large hands wandered all over your body, slightly pulling up your dress and then moving higher and cupping your breasts in them. “I thought you were tired.” His large erection was obvious through his jeans, and you wanted to tease him.
“I’m never tired for you, doll.” He mumbled against your lips. “I could’ve fucked you right on this table, but I’ll leave it for the next time. Where’s your bedroom?” You didn’t miss the promise to fuck you again, and your body felt ecstatic just because of this thought.
“Up the stairs, second door from the right.”
Bucky didn’t say a word before your world suddenly moved, and you ended up hanging from his shoulder. Your bare ass was probably right near his face, and you couldn’t help but blush.
He stormed up the stairs with one hand on your thigh, as if your weight on his shoulder was nothing, and then walked into your main bedroom.
You were thrown onto your bed, and Bucky stayed in front of you for a few seconds to remember this picture. Swollen lips, eyes full of need, a short dress that pulled up and showed a glimpsing of your white underwear. Yes, you were perfect, and only for him.
“Come here, Buck.” You raised your hands in his direction, and he obediently climbed on top of you with a smirk on his face.
He sat between your legs, moving his hands up and down the soft skin of your thighs.
“Such a pretty doll for me, in this cute lil’ dress, mm?” His body was hovering over you, and when he found a zipper on the back of your dress, you ended up lying under him only in your white lingerie set in less than a minute.
The pair of the most beautiful blue eyes devoured your naked body as soon as the piece of clothing was removed, and you had never seen a man look at you this way. Like you were the most beautiful, delicious, and priceless thing in the world. Bucky’s hands gently touched your body from the shoulders to your legs, and you swear that you heard a moan while he was doing it.
“Sweetheart.” He mumbled and leaned to gently kiss the soft skin of your belly, moving with little kisses higher until he reached your lips. “You’re killing me, you know that?”
“Shut up and kiss me, Barnes.” It was impossible to think straight when his pretty face was right in front of you and his muscular body pushed you deeper into the mattress of your bed. He kissed you as you asked, but it didn’t last long before he pulled away with a grin on his face. You gently brushed his brown locks out of his face and tucked them behind his ears.
“So bossy, dollface... Do I have to fuck this attitude out of you?”
“Mmm, undress, and we’ll see what you are capable of.” You shot back at him, and he just moved away with a smirk on his face.
In a few seconds, a red henley was thrown somewhere on the floor, and you were face to face with a body that was probably made by the Greek gods. Muscles on muscles, with tanned skin and freckles from the work under the sun. Now you wanted to climb him like a fucking tree.
“Like what you see?” His smirk became wider as he saw the look on your face: slightly parted lips and darkened eyes that were looking at him up and down. Bucky's hands went straight to the belt of his pants, and with the last movement, he was standing in your almost dark bedroom completely naked.
You almost choked on your saliva when he pulled down his pants and boxers at the same time. He was thick and long, with an angry red head.
“No way this is gonna fit me…”
“It will, doll. I’ll take care of it. I bet this pretty little pussy will just suck me in.”
It was over for you. You knew that. A handsome, respectful man with a perfect body and dirty mouth? Yes, he can do whatever he wants with you.
He returned to your bed, sitting in between your spread legs. He didn’t waste any more time when he reached behind your back and unbuttoned your bra. Bucky stood on his knees so perfectly that his dick landed on your covered pussy, and it made you both moan out loud.
“Look at this, doll. ‘M gonna destroy her.” His hips slightly moved, and because your panties were soaking wet, it was so smooth and perfect. “Can you imagine that? I will stretch you out so well that I’ll ruin any other men for you. Make you–and her– mine.” He reached with one of his hands to your tits and squeezed your nipple between his fingers, while the other one was keeping your legs apart so he would be able to move his hips.
You tried to close your legs by instinct. The tip of his cock again and again brushed right on your clit, and the slight pain from your nipple made you desperately moan and clench your bedsheets.
“Are you going to cum, pretty girl? Im not even inside of you, and you’re already a fucking mess.” Bucky’s rough voice was so sexy that it made you even wetter, if that was possible. He saw that you were close: by the way your breathing changed and how your eyes rolled back in your head. “C'mon, just let it go. Soak those panties even more.” His movements on your most sensitive parts of the body didn’t stop, and it threw you over the edge.
You were squeezing around nothing, and the most inappropriate and dirty moan escaped your mouth. It was something that you'd never experienced before, and it was so intense that you needed some time to get over it.
“Good girl.” Bucky grabbed your face and connected your lips, giving you another wet and sloppy kiss.
Then, without hesitation, Bucky’s hands took off the last piece of your clothing, leaving you completely naked for his hungry eyes. He stared at your body up and down for a few seconds and then closed his eyes to take a deep breath and calm himself down.
“Bucky, please, I need you so much.” You almost cried, trying to grab him and put his body on top of yours, but Bucky was much larger than you, so it was almost impossible.
Bucky finally calmed down a little bit, and he interlaced his right hand with your left, pinning it above your head. His body softly landed on you, and skin-to-skin contact sent shivers down your spine. He was now looking you right in the eyes, and judging by his facial expressions, he either wanted to fuck you lifeless or cuddle and hold you closely.
“Tell me if it’s too much, okay?” Bucky’s soft side came out again, and you slightly nodded, giving him permission to continue. The little silver square appeared in his hand out of nowhere before he ripped the package with his teeth and put a condom on.
You honestly tried to hold back the little bit of disappointment you felt when he decided to use protection. It was smart. You weren’t longtime partners, it was a question of your safety. But the tiny voice in your head told you that you would’ve let him fuck you without it. To feel his perfect d–
Your thoughts were cut off with a deep chuckle. “You look like you’re sad that I put on a condom, doll.” You swear that his eyes darkened when you stayed silent. “If you want it later, I’ll fuck you raw, ‘kay? But now neither of us can think straight.”
“Are you a perfect man?” You laughed.
“I don’t know, let’s find out.” Your smile faded as soon as you felt the head of his dick at your entrance.
You were still sensitive from your previous orgasm, so when Bucky started teasing you again, rubbing you up and down to cover himself in your slick, you nearly lost it.
“Bucky, please.” You whine, grabbing the side of his torso with your free hand. “Don’t tease me, please, I can’t—”
Your words died as Bucky finally pushed inside of you. Your head fell deeper into your soft bed, and Bucky’s body tensed on top of you, trying to hold back a deep moan.
It was overwhelming. He stretched you out so deliciously that you felt pain and inexplicable pleasure. No one ever made you feel this way—like you were on cloud nine and the man on top of you didn’t even actually fuck you yet.
“You’re squeezing me so hard that I might cum like a teenager—fuck!” He groaned, squeezing your hand harder. “Relax, baby, I’ll take care of you.”
You tried to relax as much as you could with a dick buried deep inside of you, and Bucky was finally able to move.
Well, if it felt good earlier, then the first movement of his hips probably sent you right to heaven. Bucky cupped your face with his left hand, locking your eyes together, when he started thrusting at a slow pace.
“So pretty for me, doll. You feel my cock in your stomach, huh?” Bucky’s lips almost touched yours when he talked, but it felt like he was too far away from you. “Good girl, take me so well. Knew that this pussy would be my death.”
“More... harder, please, fuck me harder.” You spoke in between moans, gazing intently at Bucky's pretty face.
He started fucking you harder. Your bed was slamming your wall, but it didn’t bother you as much as the fact that he was hitting your G-spot with every thrust. You were a fucking whining mess under him, with a slightly open mouth and a drunk-looking face.
“Suck it like a good girl you are.” His thumb slipped into your mouth, and you moaned, doing as he said. “Your pussy is already sucking the shit out of me. Are you going to cum, baby? Going to make a mess on my cock while I fuck you? Imagine if I fucked you raw and filled you up with my load. I bet you’d like that.” The finger went deeper into your mouth, making you gag. You nodded your head as much as you could at Bucky’s words because you were already ready to cum.
“Give it to me, baby.” Bucky growled, sucking on your neck. His hips slammed into yours, making the nastiest noise, but it turned you on even more. A finger slipped out of your mouth, and Bucky’s face was in front of you again. “Fuuuck, I’m gonna cum.”
“M-m, B-bucky! Don't stop, pl– ahhh!” The wave of the best orgasm of your fucking life washed over you. You swear the stars started dancing behind your closed eyes as you endlessly squeezed Bucky’s cock and his body.
The way you were moaning, how your eyes rolled back, and how your whole body trembled pushed Bucky over the edge. A few last movements in your soaking wet pussy and he came, feeling almost lifeless, as if you had sucked the whole energy out of him.
He let go of your hand, which this whole time he held above your head, and cupped your face with both of his hands, kissing away the tears you didn’t even notice.
“Y/N? Baby? Are you okay?” He whispered and moved your head a little bit so your eyes were directed at him. You looked like you were high or really drunk, but he couldn’t argue with the fact that you were the prettiest woman on earth.
“I– it’s like I don't feel my body anymore.” You lazily mumbled and closed your eyes. “No one ever fucked me like this.”
“Glad to hear that, doll.” Bucky leaned closer and kissed your soft lips with more delicacy and tenderness. “Do you need anything? Food, water, bath?”
“No… Can you just hug me and stay here for the night?” You asked, now afraid that he would leave since he got what he wanted.
“Sure, just let me get rid of this thing, and I’ll still get you some water.” He kissed you on the forehead before carefully untangling his body from yours. You hissed at the new empty and a little bit aching feeling inside of you. “I’m sorry, baby.”
Bucky threw a condom in the basket under your table and, putting on only his boxers, came down to the kitchen to get you a bottle of water. But when he came back, he saw that you had already fallen asleep.
You looked so cute—still naked, with a peaceful expression on your face, laying in the middle of your messy bed. He thought about whether he should disturb your sleep or not, but you asked him to stay, right? Bucky hesitated for a few seconds, but then came closer to you, placed the bottle on the nightstand, and carefully scooped you into his hands, pushing away the covers. He put you back down, and then you opened your eyes.
“C’mere…” You mumbled, still sleepy, and grabbed his hand.
Bucky quietly chuckled and got under the cover, hugging you from the back. You happily sighed before drifting back to sleep. Bucky kissed you in the hair, hugged you harder, and fell to sleep with you in his arms.
You woke up a little bit disoriented, trying to figure out what happened last night.
The bed beside you was empty, but the aching feeling between your legs proved that it wasn’t a dream. You, in fact, fucked your hot lumberjack neighbor. But where did he go?
You found some random oversized t-shirt and walked down the stairs. Everything was silent; your kitchen was empty but crystal clean. Did Bucky just leave?
Wait a minute.
Yesterday there was a mess from your cooking and dinner with Bucky.
Now the room was almost shining.
You looked around in confusion until you noticed a piece of paper on the table.
All of your bad thoughts disappeared as soon as you read it, and you felt butterflies go crazy in your stomach.
#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes#bucky barnes smut#bucky fanfic#bucky x reader#bucky x you#james bucky barnes#marvel smut#james buchanan barnes#marvel#marvel x reader#marvel fanfiction#bucky barnes x you#james bucky buchanan barnes#lumberjack! bucky barnes
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