head in hands, ex-boyfriend kirishima 🥺

In case anyone is wondering husband is still out here calling braids in bread "plaits" because he first heard about it on great british bake off. (Also working on saying "parkade" so often he'll pick it up too)

Anyways today's "sweetest thing I ever heard" is: I love you more than everything 😍

lie  / h.s. x fem!reader • smut

where y/n has had enough of their “arrangement” and harry is unsure about his feelings.

words; 4k, this isn’t proofread and I’m sorry

warning; friends with benefits theme. angst, strong language, sexual content including handjob, oral(f!receiving) fingering, edging, penetrative sex. under final cut. then will be concluding with lots of fluff and aftercare. reader is advised

I listened to this

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it was going on 3am and Harry was finally giving up on the idea of sleep.

he thought he would have fallen asleep by now after the day he had previously. jam packed with photoshoots, interviews, some time at the studio with Mitch and then ended the night with a party. it was seeming like the liquor he downed earlier on, coursing through his veins wasn’t ready to slow anytime soon yet. and he was over it. tossing and turning in his king sized bed since midnight. he sighed roughly to himself the moment his back met the mattress, lying there still now. defeated and annoyed, looking up at the clear, white ceiling above him. with his mind speckled in thought, the real reason why he wasn’t in a heavy slumber right now.

tonight wasn’t the first one without a good night of sleep. this was night five now. with you on his mind and not next to him. and it wasn’t because you miles apart from each other, on different sides of the earth no. you on his mind wasn’t something new or missing you either. but it was different this time around. when a few days ago, that all changed. when he let you walk out that door, because of him.

harry hasn’t seen you or heard from you for nearly a week now. since you stormed out of this room. he remembers the moment, so vividly. it hasnt left his brain, instead embedded itself to remind him of how much of an asshole he truly is. your naked frame scurrying around his room, picking up all your clothes scattered from the events that took place shortly before. with anger, embarrassment, the sadness that you contained by biting your bottom lip. after spilling your heart out to him, that you loved him. breaking the first rule to your arrangement.

you and harry had a very complicated friendship in the last eight months. at first it wasn’t, it was a very traditional one. both of you met at a mutual friends party a year earlier, hitting it off from the start and the rest became history. you two were inseparable, doing everything, literally, together. you were his date to most of his events, went on trips and getaways together, did mundane things like grocery shopping, which was always a experience. you both hung out all the time. smoking together most nights and playing records, while laying on his living room floor. talking about everything to anything. harry even gave you a key and your own spot in his dresser. you two were a dream team, the friendship that many aspired to have. the one that everyone was waiting to watch bloom into something more.

things changed out of the blue one night. you had come over, distraught over a guy that you were seeing for two months who wasn’t ready for anything to go further. Harry and you did the next best thing, passing a blunt back and forth among each other. lying on his living room floor, listening to fleetwood mac faintly in the background. talking over the worthless two months, the piece of shit of a guy Jared was and how finding love in this day and age just didn’t make sense. next thing you knew, Harry’s waist was wrapped in your legs, his weight heavy enough on you as he kissed you hard and long. your fingers twisted in his little dark brown curls at the back of his neck as pulled him back down to you. neither of you knew how it started, what made the sudden change but you never looked back.

this friends with benefits thing went on for eight months, filling in some void that you both were missing. it was great, really great. you had each other whenever you wanted. whatever how long you wanted. nobody knew about it as far as you know. you were careful, even when the need was necessary at strange times or at places other than both your beds. there was one time that harry flew you out to italy for a weekend for nothing but that (and you as a plus one at gucci) it was a weekend that neither of you would admit, still gave you both chills looking back. all around your arrangement worked, it wasn’t a disaster like some of the stories or movies told. it was perfect in every way.

until now. where you both were going through the longest drought to date and feelings were involved.

for harry, the night that you admitted how you felt for him after all this time. it wasn’t that he didn’t feel the same as you, he just wasn’t sure that he did. he needed you more than he realized, more then he wanted to believe. for a while now. he has been denying the change for so long that when he was faced with the reciprocation, he froze and put his guard up. but in all reality, he has been in love with you since the beginning of time.

you were his girl, his person. you knew him in and out, you didn’t care about his status or money. you treated him as harry. your best friend. his number one cheerleader. the hug he needed after a rough day. the laugh he wanted hear before he closed his eyes and when he woke up. the child like heart of yours as you sat in the cart, sneaking candy in the cashier line. the dance partner he needed in the early morning in the middle of the kitchen. his plus one that he was excited to have on red carpet with his arm around. the lips he wanted to kiss, all the time and not just in the moment. so soft and sweet against his. he wanted, needed everything before and after the arrangement. he needed you and he should’ve told you before letting you leave.

in a rush, harry threw his gray duvet off his shirtless himself, sitting up and standing out of his bed. not caring about his hair or the sleep deprivation evident on his face. he threw on his black hoodie, searching for his cream vans and heading down the hall to grab his keys to his Mercedes and out to the driveway he went. on his way to you.

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not finding the ability to sleep. you were laying on your couch, lights off with only the blue light reflection off the tv screen while aimlessly watching a movie you didn’t catch the title to. this was becoming a ritual for the last few nights. awake past your usual time, feeling it hit hard in the morning. drinking the sleep you missed prior in a paper cup. overwhelmed with the same thoughts from morning to night. you huffed, having enough of it. hastily flicking off the tv by the remote before turning over on the couch, clutching the yellow throw to yourself and closing your eyes tight.

after no calls or texts, a clear indication that it was over. you were feeling like a fool on how much you allowed this to get to you. you shouldn’t be feeling this sad. you finally got your answer. you shouldn’t be missing him. you should be pissed off. mad. you should be going out with your friends and trying to find someone to forget the dreadful blissful months you endured. but you’re not. because you miss him. because you love him. everything little thing about him and he doesn’t feel the same. you’ve never felt so stupid in your life. so confused by everything.

none of it made sense. his response beat the shit out of you. you werent expecting him to love you back but at the same time, you knew there had to be something there. the way things were even when you weren’t tangled up in each other limbs, fucking like rabbits. harry gave you so much confidence that he was feeling the same way about you like you did for him. holding your hand in public, kissing in the most exposed places, never denying that you weren’t his girl when asked at events. instead, his grip on your waist would tighten. he would smile at you, kissing the top of your head. making sure you were okay at all times, keeping his focus on you no matter the situation. when you were alone, he would declare you as his all the time. every fiber of your skin he touched “all mine.” he would say, so low to hear but for your ears only. you wanted it all back. even if it was all for fun and games.

hypothetically kicking yourself for being so brave. for placing your heart on your sleeve for it only to be held by cheap thread. for wanting it back, for wanting to continue the charades because it’s better than nothing at all. you didn’t deserve that. you needed better. someone willing to give you that in reality and not only behind closed doors. someone who is lucky to have you at all times and not when its for a fixing.

you sighed to yourself, rolling back over to glance at your phone on the coffee table. bright in the darkened room, squinting to see, it read now quarter to 4am and you rolled your eyes. done with the fiddle faddle with your thoughts, you needed sleep and you were over allowing this situation to consume you further. rising from the couch, you wrapped the throw over your shoulders to protect you from the chill from here to your bedroom. looking around to make sure all was good before continuing on.

approaching the foyer of where your staircase and living room entrance met. you were startled by hard, repetitive knocks to your front door. you froze where you stood. who could be here at this hour? You thought to yourself. you quietly reached for a vase on a nearby table. creeping closer to the door.

the knock happened again before stopping once more. “love, y/n.” you heard the raspy, tired voice from the other side of the door. it was Harry. “it’me, please open up.”

you bit your lip, rolling your eyes. fuck, you muttered to yourself before placing the vase back down. unlocking the door and flinging it open gently. there he stood in front of you. in your favorite attire, all casual in just a hoodie and joggers that hugged his bottom half just right. his chestnut hair, a mess and disheveled, golden at the top from the porch light above him. scruff peppered around his mouth and along his jaw. his green eyes like daggers on you as he watched you search him, using the time to figure to say hey right. the stare made you feel a bit beside yourself, pulling the throw closer to yourself and over your flimsy pink cami paired with gray sweats. you cleared your throat, looking at the street and breaking the silent stare.

“I hope your not here to get something from me.” you stated, then. looking anywhere but at him like you wanted. taking everything you to keep yourself together as you placed between wanting to yell at him and tell him to never see you again and wanting to pull him in to make up for the lost time. “ha, no.” harry shook his head at your comment. raising his hand to his hair, raking his fingers through it, nervously. “I came m’ere to talk.” he said, “if that’s alright?”

you both stood there for a moment before opening the door further slowly. giving him room to come right in. his cologne of vanilla and sandalwood hitting the brim of your nose the second he slipped by you. something you missed, being caught up in it. you pressed your back against the door, hearing it shut behind yourself as you followed after harry to the living room where he made himself at home. he stood poised next to your gray linen couch, waiting to see you approach the room before he took a seat on it. patting the spot next to him. overwhelmed by the time, by his presence and all the emotions bouncing around like a pin ball machine in your mind and body. you treading carefully around your coffee table, joining him shortly after and becoming leveled with his green orbs.

it was quiet for the first few minutes, and not the comfortable kind that you’d fall into from time to time. watching Harry’s rosy plump lips open and close, seeing his hand rise to them, his index and thumb pinching his bottom lip, struggling with what to say first. tongue tied by the fact that you let him in in the first place. he wasn’t prepared to not be given a fight. he sighed, roughly. “I’ve missed you so much.” he began, taking you by surprise and lacing his fingers with yours.

you shook your head, leaving his grasp before standing up from the couch. “please don’t lie to me, harry.” stopping whatever his plan was firsthand. “I’m not falling into this.. trap. I told you how I felt and that’s that. don’t take it for granted.” harry stood up to meet you, wanting to get closer, pull you closer to him but he left the space for you.

“M’not lying. I missed you.” going on, “I came ‘ere to talk. to tell ya I’m sorry. that I regret the moment that ya walked out the door.” he finished, his eyes never leaving yours for a second as he spoke. you furrowed your brows, the confusion rising again. “why are you sorry? you don’t feel the same and I just have to deal with that. that’s nothing to be–” harry grew closer at the last bit of your speech. cutting in. “but it wasn’t the truth. I do feel the same and I let you leave thinking I didn’t. that’s what I’m sorry about.”

you were stuck. shocked to say the least. you couldn’t believe what just came out of his mouth, but your inner self wasn’t going to let it sink in so easily. “please don’t do this. harry, if you lying to me. I will never forgive you. so please stop.” feeling your eyes becoming glassy as tears threatened the rim. harry shook his head, his hands meeting at the top of your shoulders as he looked you in the eyes. “I won’t stop because I’m not lying.” feeling his hands running down your arms, slow to stop and grab your hands in his. “I love you, y/n. I fucking love you.” you looked up at him at rise in volume at his last words. his eyes searching your face and yours doing just the same. trying to find any flake that this wasn’t real, that what he just said was only in your mind and wasn’t just said into the air. you bit at your now quivering bottom lip, trying to keep yourself together.

“if you’re messing with me, H. I swear to god” needing another reassurance, harry flashed his cheeky infamous smile at the use of his nickname from you. feeling normalcy, before his large, soft hands left yours to scoop your face. tilting it up to his. “I mean it. with everything I have, all I own. I mean it.” he said, “I love you, I always have and will.” his words silver off his lips. you couldn’t explain the feeling that rouse in you but you felt tears, happy ones, beginning to make way down your cheeks. “I love you too.” you muttered softly to harry, him still smiling toothlessly now as his thumbs collected the droplets. before leaning down and capturing your lips with his.

the moment they met, your body responded immediately. rising in heat from head to toe. melting into harry as you wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him closer to you. one hand still caressing your cheek, while the other dug tightly at your waist. the long days of not being wrapped up, sharing sweet pecks or laughs amongst one another was felt right now. the kiss starting out so sweet and tender, feeling the smiles and hearts combust in happiness. soon were taken over by neediness, lust and desire from the lost time. his tongue running along your bottom lip, asking for entry to deepen the kiss. never feeling something so powerful shared between the two of you. never pulling away long enough to catch breath, harry directed you both towards the couch. his hands clasping are your bum, silently telling you to jump into his arms before settling you both down with him beneath you, straddling his lap.

you let out a breathy moan when his lips met the spot connecting your jaw and neck. peppering kisses along your jawline as your fingers got lost in his thick curls. feeling him smiling against you with every little sound only he could get out of you, marking what belonged to him. he pulled away slightly, having you chase his lips and cheeks and leaving him in a fit of chuckles. understanding the neediness you were trying to release, you could feel his against the inside of your thigh. he placed his hands back on your face, pulling you down to kiss you again, before backing away once more and resting his forehead to yours. “do you want to go upstairs?” you asked, softly. hands flattening at the fabric on his broad chest, straightening his shirt. meeting his gaze, harry smiled slightly, cupping your cheek and bringing your lips to his again. “I’d love to.” his warm, minty breath grazing your mouth. you smiled, then.  before rising off of harry. your feet touching the chill of hardwood floor, standing between his legs before reaching out for him to grab a hold of your hand. allowing you to direct him, hand in hand, up the stairs and to your bedroom.

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the moment harry and you entered the bedroom. he beaconed you to the bed, immediately bringing you down with him. leaving where you left off moments ago, on harry’s lap, hands in his hair. his green eyes, darkened in lust, smirking up at you before his lips met yours in a slow, sweet embrace. 

“I want to take my time with you tonight.” he spoke, breathlessly. Looking up at you, pecking your nose. running his thumbs under eyes, noticing the lack of sleep evident likewise, then along your cheeks and to your bottom lip. “Are you up for that, love?” He asked, like the gentleman he is. “Hm?” eyes on you, going in and kissing your collarbone. leaving you to bite back a cross between a whimper and giggle, “please.” you cried.

”good.” he muttered, softly. smirking and placing both of his hands on you bum, squeezing light before rolling you over so quickly you couldn't register what was happening until you were lying flat on your back, him hovering you now and his teeth were nipping at you ear. you squealed and wiggled beneath his heavy, toned body, and his mouth left kisses on your neck, your collar bone, back to your lips again. one of his tattooed arms, rested next your head, steadying himself while the other roamed your body. savoring any exposed skin of yours on his fingertips. your body following the feeling of his hands as they ran along it, up and down your waist, to your hip. moaning lightly into one of the grazes of your lips, harry's own curling up at the sides.

with his hands clasping your waist and under your shirt. you began to feel the fabric rise up. harry broke his lips away from your neck, rolling the shirt up and over your head. throwing it to the floor. the chill of the room now hitting your topless body, your nipples hardening more to the new adjustment. your hands falling into harry’s hair again as he lowered himself along your body. kissing the skin over your breasts. looking up at you, watching you.  harry took one of your harden nipples into his mouth, the other between his fingers of his hand. tracing X's and O's over and around. him kissing, licking, sucking, biting at every bit of your bare skin. earning him moans and whimpers from you, continuing to watch you lose yourself. feeling privileged to see this sight of you, only him. only he could get this arouse out of you. your head rested on the pillow, a whimpering mess from only his mouth. giving him all the rights to ravage your body. 

the anticipation was getting the best of you. you wanted him now, you were already over with his toying around. “harry, please.” you whimpered, “p-please do something.” harry looked up, smirking at you, devilishly before he climbed back up. your legs wrapped around his middle, pushing him closer to you. “eager aren’t we?” he retorted. you smiled into a moan when you felt his erected shaft underneath his joggers, graze your throbbing clit, covered in your drenched panties. you weren’t the only one.

harry tilted your face up towards his, pecking your lips sweetly and pulling away only centimetres. “stay patient, love.” he muttered, then. before going back down your body again. trickling kisses above the waistband of your sweats. feeling his long, slender fingers slid under the band, pulling the pants down agonizingly slow before he was faced with your panties now. 

he groaned at the sight of the wet spot on them, causing you to gasp when he ran three fingers over your clothed heat. “you’re so wet.” he swallowed, meeting his green eyes with yours, darkened and glazed over in lust and desire. “and its all for me.” not wasting another second before pulling the fabric down off you and you hissing at the sharp chill grace your cunt. 

harry continued to tease, starting from your knee and aligning kisses on your inner thighs. feeling his breath graze where you wanted his mouth the most. you bucked your hips once at him, immediately his hands meeting them “ah ah.” he spoke, you looked down at him, him raising a brow and his green eyes flashing up at you. silently telling you to “be patient.” again. leaving you irritated as your head forcefully met the pillow. but the little tantrum working in your favor when you felt his lips kiss your mound, following a stride of his tongue against your swollen clit. like an electric shock to your body. he worked you slow and hard, careful, taking his time like this was going to be the last. building you up to the top, then slowing down to do it all over again. your hands wrapped up in his curls, bringing him as close as you could. directing him where you wanted him as you rotated your hips until he had enough, holding your lower half down, your legs on his shoulders and your hands in his. as he devoured you like a delicacy. and having you come on his tongue. twice.

once he was done tasting you, so fucked out and spaced, you hadn’t noticed him standing at the end of your bed. undressing himself until he was left in his briefs, crawling back over you, his legs parting yours at the knees as his large hand cupped your cheek, bringing your lips to his. nudging his nose with yours, he pecked your cheek, “are you still with me, love?” he asked, noticing how you were still trying to get to your whereabouts. harry’s fingers of his other hand were drawing little circles to your hip, to the top of your heat. you nodded slow, giving him the go to continue further when you felt his finger slip through your soaked folds, before entering you. you moaned at the feeling, harry now resting his forehead to yours as his fingers moved in and out of you at a generous pace. one of your hands, met harry’s face gently. while your free one went searching passed his tented briefs, before embracing his hard, thicken shaft in your hand. causing harry’s breath to hitch at the contact. collecting the pre-cum at the top of his swollen tip, lubing him up and running your hand tightly around his cock, stroking him. his free hand holding your face close to his, both swallowing each other’s moans in between heated kisses as you got each other off.

harry could feel you tightening around his fingers, growing closer to the edge. he pulled his fingers away from you and backed away from your touch. you shuttered in surprise, pouting from the loss of contact. looking up at him, searching for an explanation for only to be left watering in your mouth from the view of harry the two fingers that were occupied and covered by your juices, into his mouth. tasting you. in a need, you leaned up to meet harry halfway, pulling him into another countless kiss. your hand travelling to his shaft that was resting stiff against his abdomen when his hand met it mid stream, tangling his fingers with yours.

“no love, I need you now.” he commanded, gently pushing you back down. laying on top of you, feeling his cock resting against you. the same hand still wrapped in yours, now next to your head. while the other placed your thigh around him, before wrapping his hand around his shaft, positioning himself perfectly aligned with your cunt. feeling the tip. his head falling into the nook of your neck, his curls tickling your skin, lips warm against your neck and shoulder as he slipped into you, slow.

you gasped at him expanding your walls, being cautious, taking his time as he waited for you adjust to him. muttering sweet nothings, kissing you all over the place before he heard the green light from you. starting a nice rhythm, pulling almost all the way out and thrusting right back in. his hands all over you, his mouth connected to any bit of your skin that he could taste. his moans and grunts grazing hot at your ear were enough to have you orgasm right then and there for him. but any moment that you felt like you were growing closer, harry would slow down. lazily pounding into you, muttering affirmations. “you’re so beautiful.” to “you feel so good, love.”

your new favorite though almost was barely audible when he began to pick up the pace, colliding with the friction of your skin meeting. kissing you deeply, “I love you.” he said, softly but sincere. your eyes opening from focusing on the repetition to his words, “say it again.” you said looking at him with half lidded eyes, your glistening skin in a sheen of sweat. harry smirked big before you watched his mouth almost ‘o’

“I love you, y/n.” he said again. leaving you to moan at the sound of it, leaning up slightly, chasing his lips with yours. “I love you too” you spoke against his mouth, wrapping your hands around his back. soon beginning to dig when you felt yourself growing close.

harry began to feel you clenching around him. “are you close, baby?” he muttered. immursed in the how beautifully your bodies moved today, like they were made for this. you met his gaze again, “y-yes” you stuttered in between a moan, he then peck your lips, grabbing your hands like daggers from his back into his large hands, setting them above your head. beginning to speed up, driving to home base. thrusting into you erratically, both your breathy moans and sounds echoing against the walls of the room. his head falling to meet his mouth to your ear, “come with me, come with me, come with me” he repeated.

and before you could even think of attempting to hold back. without a warning, you cried out in absolute pleasure as your orgasm ripples through you. your back arching, collecting every bit. harry’s hands clasping to meet your middle as he senselessly pounded into you when his hips snapped back, meeting his own euphoria and he released warm and heavy into you. collapsing limply onto your body, his weight heavy and him completely exhausted, but in a unrelaxed, happy state. in a haze from what just took place seconds ago.

you both lied there, motionless. breathless with a dry throat, panting and clammy. you lazily ran your fingers through harry’s hair where his head lied, resting on your chest between your breasts. he slowly looked up at you. his green eyes soft now, his smile, toothlessly and dreamy that you felt butterflies sworm. “you alright, love?” he whispered, you smiled, nodding to answer. your hand, caressing his milky, glistening cheek. leaving you in a fit of giggles, when he turned his mouth in the direction of your palm. kissing it before lazily climbing up you and placing his hands on your cheeks. just staring at each other for a moment, gazing, taking each other in before he smile, kissing your cheek and bringing his attention back to you.

“did I tell you that I love you?” he smiled, feeling heat rise to your cheek. biting your lip, you shrugged. “Mmm, maybe once or twice?” you said, then. wrapping your arms around his neck. harry flashed a bright smile, leaning closer to your lips with his. “well i’ve got all night to tell you more.” he said, before crashing his lips on yours.

Pain and Embarrassment pt 3

part of my family series

part 1

part 2

It had been 3 months since Ethan decided to ruin not only your relationship, but also the relationship he had with his kids. You had hardly spoken to him since you went out to California to be with your family. You had only called a few times to let him know that you would be back in time for the kids to start school in the fall.

There was so much he wanted to tell you, apologize for, but each time he tried either he couldnt find the words or you hung up before he got the chance to say anything. He had hardly talked to his kids these past months. Skylar and Connor wanted nothing to do with him. He expected as much from Connor, but Sky not wanting to talk to him hurt more than he thought it would. Everyone was handling this differently and coping the best they could.

The little girl who was his whole world from the moment she was born didnt want to talk to her dad. The one man she thought would never hurt her, the one she thought she could trust with her whole heart and would always be there was the one who just did the most damage. She couldnt understand how Ethan could have done something like this to not only you but to her family. The girl Ethan cheated with was only a few years older than she was and she couldnt help but think about all the times she had been to his office and had conversations with this woman. She felt like she had a part to play in this for not seeing it.

Connor not wanting to talk to him hurt in a different way than the rest. Ethan knew he could try and patch up his relationship with the other kids but it felt like there was nothing left to try and fix with Connor. He was gone all the time overseas, he had limited communication and he only came home once in a blue moon. There was no way he could try and sit down with his son unless Connor allowed it and he severely doubted that was going to happen anytime soon. Ethan knew that you were Connors whole world, you could do no wrong in his eyes and he practically worshiped the ground you walked on and while the other kids would tease him about being a mamas boy, Ethan was proud his son was so protective of you. However, this is when it seems to have backfired on him because as soon as he lost you he should have known he’d lose his son too.

Alex and Riley were understandably upset with him. They spoke to him a few times just to call and check in and let Ethan know they were okay. While they havent forgiven him, they wanted to try and move on. He was their dad, and while that doesnt give him a pass for what he did, they love him.

Noah, always looking up to Connor, followed in his big brothers steps and decided he didnt want to talk to Ethan at all. The only times Ethan managed to get Noah on the phone was when you forced him to because while Ethan hurt you, you werent going to cut him off from his own children as much as you might have wanted to. The few conversations he had with his son were short and to the point. Simple answers, he wouldnt talk about anything and Noah always kept the calls under five minutes, almost as if he had a timer running in the background and the dial tone was the alarm that let Ethan know his time was up.

Elise was the only one who would talk to him. She knew something was wrong, she knew he cheated but she didnt completely understand it and what it meant. She knew you were upset with Ethan but she only saw it as another fight that the two of you had and that you would all be okay once everyone said sorry. She missed her dad. She told you as much and she asked when you would be going back home.

And then there was you. You were trying to figure out what all of this meant for you. The relationship you had with Ethan was ruined, you knew that much for sure. But were you going to go back to New Jersey? Still live with the man who cheated on you in your own house? In your own bed? Part of you wanted to try and fix this, if not for you then for your kids. But was this something that could be fixed? You didnt think this was.

At first you were hurt when you found out. Why would your husband do this? Why would he go out and cheat repeatedly while you were home and suspected nothing? Was it something that you did that drove him to this other woman? Was it because you lost the baby? It was something that you two had argued about before and according to Ethan, the timeline matched up.

But the more you thought about it, while you were still hurt, you were angry now. None of this was your fault. You were not responsible for your cheating husband under any circumstances. He made his own choices freely and that wasnt on you. He was the one who messed up and ruined what you two had. Once you had realized all of this you were finally able to start moving on.

You still wanted answers from Ethan, but the answers wouldnt change anything. Your marriage was over, but hearing his explanation would help give you the closure you needed.  

It was now August and the kids would be starting school in a few weeks so it was time to head back to Jersey. The twins had decided to do online school, not wanting to deal with their classmates and you respected that choice. You felt they were old enough to make that choice for themselves. You had asked Noah if he wanted to do the same but he was very much against it because that meant he would be home more often with Ethan and he would much rather deal with kids at school then spend more time with his cheating father. Lizzy however was excited to go back to school because that meant she got to see her friends again and spend time with her dad who she hasnt seen all summer.

You had already talked to Grayson about picking you up from the airport and taking the kids with him for a few hours. You wanted to be able to talk to Ethan alone first without the kids being there in case things got heated between you two. They didnt need to listen to the possible yelling. And Grayson was more than happy to get to spend some time with his niece and nephew.  He dropped you off with all the luggage back at the house you shared with Ethan and left with the kids.

You took a breath and dragged the bags up the porch and into the house and left them by the stairs. The kids could use unpacking as an excuse not to talk to Ethan if they wanted to. You were debating about where to take your things when Ethan came in from the living room.

“Hey,” he said hesitantly.

“Hi,” you didnt know what else to say.

“I, uh, I moved to one of the guest rooms so you can take our room,” Ethan rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

“No, I’ll take one of the rooms.” There was no way you were willingly sleeping in the same bed he had sex with that girl in. He made his bed, now he can lay in it. Literally.

Ethan seemed to have come to the same realization and simply nodded.

“You cut your hair,” he motioned to your hair that was now just above your shoulders.

“Yeah, heard you had a thing for girls with long hair,” you replied and pushed your hair back behind your ear, not seeing him flinch at your words. Your long hair had reminded you of the girl with waist long hair he cheated with and you cut yours as soon as you could.

“Y/n,” you could see the pain in his eyes at your remark. Good. He had no right to be the one who hurt.  

“What?” What was there to say?

“Are we seriously going to start this now?” He has gone from apologetic to now annoyed.

“I’m not starting anything, you did that when you couldn’t keep it in your pants,” you pointed out.

“Y/n, I’m sorry okay? I’m sorry I cheated, it was a mistake.”

“A mistake? Ethan, a mistake is putting a red shirt with the white clothes. A mistake is forgetting to pick up something from the store.  A mistake is something you can forgive. A mistake is an accident. You don’t accidentally have sex with someone over and over again. You did that knowing what the consequences would be and you did it anyway! You don’t get to stand there and tell me this was a mistake!” You were shouting at this point but you didn’t care.

“You know the sad thing is that maybe, just maybe, I could have forgiven the first time. Maybe it would have been something we could fix. But this? This is so broken there’s nothing left to fix.”

“No, no, we can work through this. We can, I don’t know, go to counseling or something, but Y/n please,” he wasn’t going to let this end. He couldn’t.

“I want a divorce.” You said simply and took out the folder of documents that had to be signed.

“Y/n,” he said quietly.

“Please don’t fight me on this. After what you put me through it’s the least you can give me. Don’t make this harder than it has to be. We don’t need to waste money on lawyers. Sign it and we can move on.” You held out the folder to him.

“I’m not going to sign that,” he took a step back from the offending papers.

“Ethan please.”

“No.”

“Why not? Ethan this marriage is over. There’s nothing left here, not after this. You clearly didn’t care about us when you decided to cheat on me so just sign the damn papers!” You shoved the folder to his chest only for it to fall to the ground when he failed to catch it.

“No! Because once I sign this that means we’re done. That means that you’re gone and I’ll have nothing left! I’ll lose you completely and call me selfish but I don’t want that! I want to fix this Y/n, please.” Ethan looked close to tears at this point. He knew he fucked up but he didn’t think you would bring up divorce this soon and he definitely wasn’t expecting you to have the papers with you as soon as you came home.

“Well I don’t! Would you forgive me if I had an affair? If I slept with someone I worked with over and over again? If I went public about it before I told you? If I brought this person into our bed for over a year?”

Silence.

“I didn’t think so. And I wouldn’t expect you to forgive something like that. So please don’t ask the same of me.” You pleaded with him.

“You expect me not to fight for my family? Y/n, you and the kids are my whole world. And I’m so sorry that I fucked it all up. But if you think I’m going to just let you walk out of my life without a fight you’re wrong.”

You let out a deep breath and walked over to the couch closest to you and sat down. Ethan moved to sit across from you, still leaving the folder on the floor. A small part of you wondered if his mistress sat on this same couch that your kids would spend hours on or if he kept her limited to your bed.

“Ethan I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. I’m not gonna change my mind on this so please don’t drag it out longer than it needs to be. I appreciate that you want to fight for this relationship but it’s useless. I’m sorry but I am not going to sit here and let you think there’s a chance of forgetting what happened because there’s not.” Why give him a flicker of hope when there was none?

“So what? You’re just gonna go? Take the kids with you? They’re my kids too.” If Ethan couldn’t fight for you anymore there wasn’t a chance in hell he wasn’t going to fight for his children.

“I never said I was leaving. Or that I was going to take them. Despite all of this, I don’t want to split up this family. The kids don’t deserve that and as their mother it’s my job to take care of them regardless of what happened and how I feel. They come first. Always.” You could be civil with Ethan but things were never going to be the same.

“I would still live here, in another room obviously. Think of it as having a roommate who you just happen to be raising children with.”

“You’ve thought it through havent you?” You could see the defeat starting to take over his features.

“I have.” You nodded. “We’ve all been through enough. We don’t need more change. And if this is something we can’t live with, we cross that bridge when we get to it and figure out what to do then. I don’t want to split up this family if I don’t have to, but Ethan I need you to sign the papers. I can’t let myself be legally bound to you after all of this. I just can’t.”

Ethan seemed to accept this. He didn’t look thrilled about it but he seemed to understand.

“I still want a lawyer to go over it before I sign it,” he said it so quietly you almost didn’t hear him.

“Of course. Thank you,” you were glad he was agreeing to it.

You got up to go into one of the guest rooms that would now be yours when you heard him call your name.

“Y/n?”

“Hm?” You stopped and turned.

“Are we ever going to be okay?” He looked up at you from where he still sat on the couch.

Would you? You hadn’t really thought that far ahead about the situation.

“Honestly? I don’t know. I hope we can eventually, for what it’s worth. But it’s going to take time.”

Ethan simply nodded at your response.

You grabbed your luggage from where you left it at the stairs and dragged it off to your new room. Everything might still be broken but that’s all it is. Broken. It can be fixed over time but the scars and cracks will always be there. Only time will make this whole thing fade away.

@pgm-dolan @dolandolll @dolanshellyes @mysecretsaremydemons @mmmmmgd @ethandolxns @dolantwinsfavss@knee-deep-in-feels @godlydolans @dolanstwintuesday  @sarcasm-at-its-finest2444 @fandomsfeministsandothershit @graydolan12 @ilsolee @inlovewithethandolan @someonedoingnothing @vintagebitttch @sunshinedolantwins @chonisberonica @ardordolan @ethantasy @wasabisama331 @graysavant @atlas-of-a-human-soul @wolfpuppii009 @livexdolan if you wanna be added/want me to stop tagging you just let me know

also pls comment/like/reblog it makes me feel better about myself and gives the validation i desperately crave thank you 

“I’m sorry” from prompt list!!

-Truly Sorry-

prompt #13 “I’m sorry...”

Warnings: Swearing. TINY amount of angst

Summary: Eliana and Ethan get in a heated argument that causes uncertainty to grow in their relationships. How will Ethan make it up to her? - ONE SHOT

A/N: I’m so sorry this took so long! I planned to have this posted 2 days ago but I’ve had some things come up in my personal life that caused me to hit the brakes a little on this but it’s finally here! Please like and reblog if you enjoy! It’s greatly appreciated💖 -S

Thank you @aylamwrites for the ask! YOU A QUEEN EVERYONE GO CHECK HER OUT! 💖🙌🏻 (Her OH fics are everything)

❤️-prompt list-❤️ (ask me!)

💖-full masterlist-💖

——————————-

Ethan’s POV

Guilt spreads through Ethan’s chest... Why am I so stupid! He looks across the room, his eyes settle on pictures of both him and his lover...

Why do I always push her away like that?

10 minutes before...

Eliana and Ethan were both in a very heated argument... I mean they have fights but this one was bad...

“You should calm down! It’s not a huge deal listen, I’m sorry Okay? You win.” Ethan says to a fuming Eliana.

“You’re not getting away like that! I’ve been trying so fucking hard these past few years to make you respect me! And one single thing changes that view and I have to listen to your lectures and all the stuff you hate about me! I’m sick of it!” Eliana rants. Ethan’s eyes widen. He can practically sees the pure anger rolling off of her.

Crap. She’s really getting mad about this... I need to calm her down so it doesn’t go overboard.

“E... I’m really sorry I haven’t respected you... I know I’ve been a dick these past few weeks but if you give me a chance I can make it up to y-“ Eliana cuts him off with her hand.

“That’s what you said before... I’m not sure if I can believe it again.” She sighed “Listen. I need some time to think... I know it’s sudden but I’m just gonna get a hotel for a while and process things. It just seems logical right now.”

Ethan’s eyes widen at her words. She wouldn’t just leave.. right? He looks at her as she packs a small suitcase of her clothes and toiletries.

Why am I so stupid...she shouldn’t leave me... god I’m such an ass...

After a few minutes she walks back into the living room with her bags. He frowns at her. “How long until you come back.” Ethan hoped she would realize she doesn’t need to leave. And that he loves her more then anything.

She shrugged her shoulders. “Awhile... I’m not to sure but if I find out I’ll text you. She said looking away from him. Not wanting to make eye contact

Shit.shit.shit.shit. I’m so stupid! Why do I always push her away?! Do something you idiot!

“... please don’t leave. I love you and I would do anything to make it up to you.” Ethan pleaded.

“I’m sorry Ethan, I need this space before we ruin this beyond repair. I’m doing this because I love you too.” Eliana looked genuine and Ethan just hung his head, not looking at her.

“..... ok, I love you. Please be safe. And text me.” He said. Eliana nodded and walked out, looking behind her shoulder as she turned down the hall.

Guilt spreads through Ethan’s chest... Why am I so stupid! He looks across the room, his eyes settle on pictures of both him and his lover...

Why do I push her like that...?

————————

Eliana’s POV

As soon as she got into her car her tears started to spill down her cheeks. I can’t live without him. I have to fix this and taking a break is the only way. She thought to herself.

Eliana drives around aimlessly trying to clear her head. After awhile she gets checked into her hotel and just plops down on her bed with a groan.

The room wasn’t anything fancy, it’s the last thing she could get for a last minute reservation. It had a mini fridge for food, a nice sized bathroom with a walk in shower. Their was one bed that took up most of the room.

I should unpack but...

I need to go to bed... she hesitates to text Ethan and tell him she was at the hotel. It’s just gonna be awkward, he can wait.

After she brushes her teeth and changes into her pajamas, she gets nestled into bed, her mind drifts off wishing Ethan’s arms were around her. She missed his little snores and the rise and fall of his chest. It was comforting. I miss that grump...

She smiled to herself and repeated the phrase.. I miss that grump. She stayed up thinking for awhile but ultimately drifted off into a deep sleep, still missing his warmth.

Ethan’s POV

Part of him was hoping that she would run right back through that door and fling her arms around his neck and tell him she didn’t mean it. But of course, she hasnt.

She has a right to be mad... but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Ethan stared at the door for what felt like hours after she left. He felt more upset then he has in a long time.

She’s gonna forgive me, right? He wasn’t sure how she felt. She had calmed down after his short apology that was still, even then, cut off.

Ethan’s hands ball into fists. I’m not giving up on us. I’m going to do everything I can’t to show her that I love that impeccable goofball...

He smiled to himself with a chuckle.

Impeccable goofball...

The next day...

Eliana’s POV.

She was pacing around her hotel room, not knowing what to do. I have to pull myself together... Eliana throws on a skirt and her blouse with her doctors coat on top. It was her signature outfit and she loved it to pieces.

She sighed as she looked at herself in the mirror after doing her daily morning routine. She reaches for her hairbrush in her bag...

More digging

Where is it?

More digging

Ugh it’s somewhere

More digging

Eliana sighs and flops down on her bed, think of the night she left their Condo...

Last night...

I have to do it for us... Eliana says to herself as she scrambled around to grab the things she needed to leave.

This is for the best right? Yeah of course...

Eliana continues thinking on the problem at hand that she forgets her hairbrush on the bathroom vanity...

Shit

I can’t go to work like this...

Eliana thinks back on all of the smaller stuff she left whilst in a hurry to leave and get her emotions together...

She groans as she throws her head back. I’m gonna have to get my ass out of bed and go over there to get my stuff.

She stares at her phone, then at the clock, and then back at her phone and she sighs while calling Doctor Emery about letting her take a half day and be in at 8:45 instead of 5:45. She grinned as she agreed and hung up to gather her things and walks to her car.

She pulls into a parking lot to text Ethan so it won’t be as awkward if she showed up without warning.

Ethan’s POV.

He hears a ding from his phone and he pirks up seeing Elianas contact name pop up.

Eliana: Hey, I forgot a few things last night... can I drop in for 5 minutes and grab them?

Ethan looked at the desk knowing it was her work day and he had the day off and nothing else to do... nothing else to do.... aha! Ethan’s brain sparked with a brilliant idea. He quickly replies.

Ethan: yeah of course, you have the key so feel free to come right in and grab your stuff.

Ethan hops off the couch and gets to work right away to prepare for her arrival.

Eliana’s POV.

She sighed looking at his text. It’s gonna be awkward... she turned on her car and plugged her GPS into her radio speaker and her mouth drops a little.

I really drove a lot last night. She thought as her GPS showed how far their condo was from the hotel.

She groaned and pulled out of the parking lot, beginning her drive.

5 minutes later...

10 minutes later...

15 minutes later...

“You have arrived at your destination” the voice rang out through her car. Sending a shiver down her spine at what’s to come.

She pulls in the driveway and sighs as she steps out of the car. She grabs her empty bag she was going to fill and walks towards the door.

She inserts the key into the lock and turns the doorknob counter clockwise until it pops open.

She walks in and and makes her way to the living room.

Oh my god...

Her breath hitched at the state of the living room. She noticed it was dark but didn’t think much of it at the time she was walking in. Wow. She said to herself at the sight Ethan had set up.

“Hello beautiful.” Ethan said wrapping his arms around her waist as she stared dumbfounded at him and their living space.

15 minutes before hand...

Ethan’s POV.

This has to be perfect. Ethan thought for the 10th time since his call ended and he got to work. He quickly put together a fort he and Eliana already had “blueprints” for and he knew it by heart. He smiles to himself as he put pillows on the floor of the fort, thinking what was to come. He grabbed as many of her favorite snacks and placed them into the cushioned area of his fort.

He then thought about his plan and what he was going to do to tell Eliana that he wasn’t going anywhere and she shouldn’t either. I love her and I want her to realize I would do anything for her. He said to himself.

He had a few minutes before she was supposed to arrive. He walked around, to nervous to focus his mind on anything else but her. He found himself picking up their old photos together. Most taken by Eliana much to his distaste at the time. He sighed picking up a photo of him and Eliana watching House M.D on amazon prime. The photo showed Eliana’s expert selfie skills as her middle and index finger pointed up into a “peace sign” whilst winking with a slight show of her tongue sticking out at the camera. He was glaring at her in the background, clearly trying to focus on the show and not her shenanigans. But was also clearly failing. He sighed at the memory.

Binge watching night...

“Smileeee!!” Eliana said while taking several selfies of the pair.

“Rook, you gotta focus on the show...” Ethan said motioning to the screen.

“Oh please, you just wanna watch so you can say that you figured out the case before anyone else did...” she said with a smirk.

He glared at her, capturing the moment Ethan now held in his hands...

Present...

Eliana’s POV.

She continued to gape at the set-up. Her gaze wondering the giant fort with the tv hidden under, her favorite snacks, even her favorite pillow was stuffed in her spot she usually took when they built this same fort.

She looked back at Ethan who was smiling warmly at her from around her shoulder, his hands where still rapped around her waist and he spun her around to face him.

“I love you.” He said, not even a moment later she crashed her lips to his and they’re faces smiling wide as they parted. She threw her arms around his neck and he lifted her up and spun her around, eliciting a fit of giggles from her.

“E... I don’t even know how to tell you how sorry I am...” Ethan said while setting her down.

“Hey, I’m sorry too. I should’ve talked to you more about our situation and I might just be saying that because I practically died without you.” They both laughed and he took her hand and led her over to the fort and they both sat down. He handed her a glass of her favorite drink to ever exsist.... grape juice. She laughed as he handed her a wine glass of it. They clinked the glasses together.

“To new beggings?” He asked.

“To new beginnings.” She replied

“I have to be at work at 8:45 ya know.” She said raising her eyebrows while taking another sip “I can’t binge watch all day.” She said. “I also have to grab my stuff from the hotel...” She added shyly.

Ethan tapped his chin and quickly got up, placing his glass down and leaving her in confusion. “What are you doing?” She said before he disappeared around the corner. He looked back at her and smiled. “I’ll be back in a second.” She raised an eyebrow as he left. He returned a minute later with a grin on his face.

“What did you do?” She asked with her brows furrowed in confusion.

“I convinced Emery to give you the day off” he said proudly as she gaped at him. A second later her surprised face turns into a smile that matched his. “We can grab your thins tomorrow.” He added before kissing the top of her head.

“I can’t believe you convinced her, she never lets loose, I’ll also probably get beef from Zaid when I walk into work tomorrow..” they both laughed in usion.

(Switching To Ethan’s POV kinda randomly...)

Ethan grabs the remote as they both get comfortable in the fort and Ethan smiles as she snuggles into his side.

He tilts her head up to meet his gaze. “I’m going to spend this day very wisely my dearest.” He kiss her softly and she smiled up at him.

“And however are you going to do that?” She said with a teasing tone. He kissed her hand, looking into her eyes.

“I have many things planned, starting with rewatching that one episode of Hosue M.D and showing you how much I love you a little later.” He waggles his eyebrows and she snorts, leading them into even more laughter and she pops an M&M into her mouth. He knew it was her favorite and soon enough they where watching the same episode they where watching when she took the picture. But this time glaring didn’t even cross his mind, he only thought of how lucky he was to be with her in that moment. He made a vow to himself to do better and never to jepordize their relationship for no reason in the first place. He loved her now, her loved her before, and will continue to love her for many years of happiness to come. He thanked his lucky stars for the beautiful goddess laying in his arms. And couldn’t ask for anything more.

join me?

title: join me?

pairing: Jared x reader

rating: 18+

fluff: single parent AU

kink: shower sex

tags: shower sex, single parent x single nanny, vaginal penetration, climax, asking someone you know to become your partner in raising your child

summery: not telling

mentioning @sweetness47​

created for @spnfluffbingo​ @spnkinkbingo​

kink list   fluff list

the following AD you had placed on all the job boards:

“if you are a Single parent in need of someone to move in to help look after your kids, clean, cook for you Im that person. obviously i can cook, clean, drive, shop for groceries you know the esentials. basically anything you would require of me i can accomplish. call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx, to discuss details. sincerely YN. PS im willing to relocate if needbe. thank you for reading this.”

just like that it was done, it was posted. now, all you had to do was wait. someone was bound to call eventually. 

after 3 weeks you were about to re-post the ad, your phone rang. someone from san Antonio, as far as you were concerned you knew of no one who lived in that corner of the world. 

you took a chance and answered the call. 

YN: hello!

Jared: yes, im looking for YN

YN: thats me

Jared: perfect, my name is Jared Padalecki. i’m a single father to a 4 year old boy named Thomas. he’s my mess maker & i love him to bits. but balancing between work and parenting is alot harder than most people think. my wife had divorced me she felt like i didnt care enough about her or the foundation she built, so one night she walked out and i havent seen her since. so anyway i was looking through the ads for live in nanny when i came across yours. your ad drew me to it, im sorry if this sounds too forward but its been hard. 

YN: not at all. so what are the terms of this job?

Jared: well, as we speak im just finishing the details of your flight to San Antonio which first of all i need your current location like where you are coming from and how much baggage you are bringing. 

YN: thats very kind of you to book me a flight. im coming from San Francisco with 3 suitcases and 2 carry ons. most of it are small keepsakes and other sich clothing items i pick up along the way. but not a big deal i just dont have a permenant home to leave anything at. so if you dont mind me coming with all my little nik naks and figurines...

Jared chuckled in the background before he spoke.

Jared: girl, i think we can deal with that. ill buy some wall shelves and a special case for your statues and figures, with enough room that should you want more you can get more. There will be a vehicle you can use to transport my son to school and do errands and stuff like that, there will be a spare room included for you with your own bathroom. The shopping can be done by you after you drop my son off to school on a day of your choosing. If you like all that your duties do not include yard maintenence. You are free to take my son out for shopping trips as well, you get a shared card to my all expense account to do all your spending for the house and for yourself. It goes straight to my account it's all good. I want your time here to be awesome.

YN: this is my cell, please tell me you have some good news about my flight details. 

Jared: check your texts. 

You check your messages before you go back to the call.

YN: thats a good flight, so what kind of plans are for when i get there. 

Jared: well if you want we can go get the groceries when you arrive, after we leave the airport. then we can go for lunch and get you a few pretty things. sign some bank papers to put your name in my accounts. 

Yn: that sounds good, I've just sent notice to my landlord, I'm just packing up some of my figures now. I'm gonna have to get my license and stuff switched over to Texas state license but I'm excited for this.

Jared: i know as am i its been a while since we had any type of female presence in the house. we havent any such thing, but tomorrow that all changes. i know that you are gonna bring a light into our lives that hasnt been here in well ever. 

YN: glad i can help, now lets see whats the day tomorrow yields. 

Jared: i am so excited, so is my son. he keeps asking when you are gonna be here. but it is gonna be a happy day tomorrow. i know that this is gonna sound strange, but i hope your the one that can save me.

you heard his tone change instantly, you felt the power coming from it. you felt the wet in your panties. you were not okay in the slightest. but you felt amazing at the same time. 

YN: i guess ill let you go. ill shoot you a text when i get to the airport. cause i want to help you. i want to be the one to save you. 

neither of you knew what the hell just happened, neither of you would remember what was said, at the end of it neither of you would be able to state the words of the other. it will remain that way till a different day in the near off future. 

Jared: ill see you tomorrow... YN.

YN: jared.

the call ended, it was the moment when you felt like you could breathe again. the moment when you felt as though it would be your last. the moment when you felt like you were on cloud 9. 

you went to the cornerstore to get a few travel items. a few other things as well. a lot of times before you travel you do this kind of big shop, but this time was not like most times. Jared was providing everything for you, you had to bring you and what you currently owned, as well as your documents and stuff like that. 

after cleaning most of what you could in the apartment, you set your alarm and went to bed. you woke up to your 6:00am alarm. it was a long time but you were also a good half hour to the airport. you wanted plenty of time for check in and travel distance. 

finishing packing, leaving your keys to the apartment in the hands of your landlord who helped you bring your bags out the front door. she wished you a safe trip and to call if you were ever in the area again. 

you brought your bags to the cab and got in. you told the driver to take you to the airport. upon arrival at the airport, the cab driver helped you load your bags onto a cart and drove off.  you pushed the cart into the airport, went to the check in desk. 

check in lady: may i see your ticket and passport please?

You hand over your ticket and passsport. the lady scans your ticket and hands both your passport and ticket back to you. 

check in lady: alright your good to go, the gift shop is open if you want to stop there, its just on your left passed security.

Yn: do I give you my suitcases! Well at least the ones that aren't carry ons.

Check in lady ushers for a security guard to come round to take the 3 suitcases from you. To which you smile and thank them and head off to go through security.

Security guard: please put all your bags in a bin, your jacket and shoes as well as your jewelry in this bin and then you can stand on this square we will bring you through and go from there.

you did as asked. you complied you went to stand on the square, were waved through, the thing didnt beep but you were still patted down and then given your stuff back.  sent on your merry way, you were happily walking through the airport again. 

you went to the gift shop, you were buying a few puzzle books to keep you entertained on the flight. as well as a dress off the rack and some playing cards (one of each type), and some statues. these ones were small but made you smile.

you paid for everything and then went to the bathroom to change and organize your bags. you come out of the bathroom, your hair is up in a ponytail. you go take a seat holding your passport and ticket. 

after half hour of sitting there, your flight number was called. You pulled out your phone, texting Jared.

Yn (by text): morning, I am about to board my flight

Jared (by text): morning, I hope you have a safe flight, Thom and i cant wait to see you. Thom made you a sign we will be holding it, you have my word and honor that we will be good, we will all get along quite good. 

YN (by text): of course, as do i. i look forward to getting to San Antonio and beginning a new life. the pre flight is starting ill let you know when i land. 

Jared (by text): have a safe flight. see you in a few hours. i gotta bathe the kiddo. 

The pre flight took a bit longer than you thought it would, but Jared's message was one you ended up saving as a screenshot. You listened to your music when the flight attendant said we were free to use the screens ahead of us and whatever else. 

You even did some puzzle books and wrote in your journal. 

You were nervous, of course you were nervous. This was the first time you were gonna meet a single dad and a son. Thoughts of what they might look like floated through your mind. The thoughts of the life you were stepping into were beyond what your mind could conjour. 

But the way he spoke to you said something about saving you, made you wonder if something more was happening to him. 

Something maybe in his past that might be coming after him now. There was a darkness in his voice that you couldn't shake. 

But you shoke it off, you were not gonna let these thoughts consume you. You waited for the hours to pass, and they did rather quickly. 

For what was once 30 mins that had passed, became an hour and a half. You were almost there. 8 am quickly turned into 1030am there was still half hour to go. 

This was it the landing checks the whole pack up whatever you took out, close the trays un recline your seats, take out and shut off your music speech came quickly. You put away the books and things, you held your phone in one hand using the other to get up form your seat. You followed the people out of the plane. 

You walked out onto the concourse and made sure you were lookin good before you stepped onto the escalator. 

Jared was watching, but when his eyes landed on you coming toward him he smiled. He couldn't help himself. A little voice in his head told him not to smile, but to jump you instead. Jared ignored that voice for he didn't want to do anything harmful with Thom around. Even then he wouldn't. he instead watched you walk toward him. 

Jared: YN.

YN: you must be Jared. It is a pleasure to meet you. 

You both shake hands but a spark flows between both of your hands. Before you place your bags on the ground and look at Thom. 

YN: you must be the little cutie. Did you make this sign all by yourself?

Thom nods and gives you a hug which you graciously return. You were feeling happy. 

Jared: i think we should go wait by the luggage bay so we can grab your luggage. Then we can head off for lunch and shopping and paper filling. 

YN: the luggage should have started coming out by now anyway right?

Jared: possibly. But i want to hear more about you, your adventures and can i just say that dress is delectable. 

There it was again, that deep dark tone to his voice. He now held his hand out for your bags as Thom was urging for you to carry him. Jared carried your carry ons, you carried Thom who just smiled happily. 

Jared: ive never seen Thom take kindly to anyone before. This is gonna work out just fine. 

YN: thom is so sweet, i look forward to working with him on a daily basis. I also look forward to helping you with the house. 

You smiled as thom came up to you and sat in your lap. Jared just watched amazed by your skill with kids. 

As the luggage came round you pointed out your suitcases to Jared who grabbed them placing them on the cart. 

You held thom who just contently hugged you. He nestled himself against the crook of your neck, soft snores filled yours and Jared's ears shortly after. 

Jared: he barely slept last night he was too excited. I'm not surprised that he is sleeping now. 

Jared says as you all walk to the car, Jared with the luggage cart, you holding thom. You gently placed thom in the car, you watch Jared place the luggage in the trunk. 

Jared: and you are the miracle worker, he is asleep. He will sleep till we wake him for lunch. He will also hopefully sleep through the bank and licencing appointments. 

Before he could say another word you went over and gave him a kiss to his cheek. The air between you both was growing thin. 

This would have been your first kiss if not for the fact that jared’s watch went off. 

Jared: we have to be at the bank in half an hour. Which is perfect but first i want to try something. Just dont move.

You didnt move you stood there as Jared slid his hand around your waist. And placed a soft kiss to your neck. Then moved to whisper in your ear. 

Jared: a little bit of food for thought. The darkness is growing inside me and i swear i will hold it back as long as i can. But you need to understand you are the only one who can stop the darkness. 

You went round to your side of the vehicle. Feeling a little flustered. Jared was behind you, you turned to see him, his eyes starring at you. His hand on your own, you feel a spark, you feel that same spark that you both had felt back in the airport, when you first met. 

The ride to the bank was good, you and jared talked and went over a list for shopping and made a list of things to do when you arrived to Jared’s home. You were done the bank & licensing appointments.

 Deciding that it would be easier pick up take out for lunch as Thom was still sleeping. Like he was out like a light. You guys were able to quickly go in follow the list and get everything on the list. Finally on the road with lunch and heading home to Jareds. 

YN: so i guess i will need to set up some stuff and unpack. 

Jared: ill even help you set up and build the shelving and things. Believe me your suite is gonna be your style when we are through with it. We are almost there. Then we will get you settled. And its still early in the day. 

YN: lets hope that we can get a majority of this done before thom wakes up. 

Jared: or at least un pack the car or have the lawn care people help with that as well. Ill just pay them extra for it.  

Within a few moments after that you guys pull dup to a gate, where Jared used a key card to open it. 

Jared: welcome to your new home YN! 

From that point in the day you and Jared and thom spent it getting acquainted, you did some schooling with thom, jaredd helped you set up your suite, Jared and you celebrated with a glass of wine each before bed from then on.  More little moments were stollen like the one that happened in the airport. 

Something worse would be a drift in the near future. you didnt know what but you had a feeling that something would come to light that you would never expect in a million years. 

~its now been 8 months and 12 days since you came to live with Jared and Thom. you settled in quite nicely. you drove back and forth to get thom to and from school, you cooked, cleaned and you happily did all the laundry. now we start our story again on the last day of school, with you just having picked up Thom from school and are in the car driving back home~

you had just gotten on the freeway Thom had passed out a while back for his afternoon nap. you were just happy for a small moment of peace and quiet. but your bluetooth came through the car at a volume that thankfully didnt wake Thom. 

you saw it was Jared so obviously you answered. 

Jared: hey hows it going?

Yn: good, thom is having a nap, im just on the freeway. how was work?

Jared: good, i couldnt wait for the day to be over. i have a surprise for you. 

YN: for me or for me and thom or for all 3 of us

Jared: call it a family surprise. 

YN: wait im part of the family. none of my jobs previously had ever considered me part of the family. its nice to finally be included in an actual family. 

you could hear jared chuckle before he continued to speak. 

Jared: i know you are new to the whole permenant family thing, and we are always gonna have a home here for you. but i want to celebrate the start of summer with a tradition. 

YN: something new or something old?

Jared: a new tradition one that starts as soon as you guys get home... 

YN: and will i need to pack a bag?

Jared: yes although i had my assistant at work go out and buy you a few new things for this trip today, so how long till you guys get home... 

suddenly thom pipes up from the background. 

thom: hi daddy.

Jared: hey little man, ive got a surprise for you when you and YN get home. 

YN: we will see you in 10 minutes jared. 

Jared: see you in the driveway 

the call ended and you handed thom a sucker from your center console. he smiled and giggled all the rest of the way home. you pulled into the driveway parking in your normal spot. 

Jared comes round to bring thom out first, after spinning him around before setting him down on the ground, he comes round to your side. he opens the door and extends his hand to you. 

he helps you out of the car, and walks you to the door. where you all enter before Jared send thom up to his room to get ready. guess he had told thom the secret before he told you, but you were now standing in the living room with Jared who turns to you.

YN: what is the big surprise, i assume you told Thom and thats why he ran upstairs all excited. 

Jared: i bought us a vacation house about 2 months ago. it is all season, and we get to go there and spend these next 6 weeks there. its in canyon lake about 2 hours by car. thom will probably sleep at least part of the way there. but YN i want you to know that i have a secret one that has me flustered enough to internally keep it from you for he is the glue that holds us together. but i wonder if perhaps we as in us 2 have a few things we can be together. 

before you could respond Jared leaned in and placed a gentle kiss to your lips, for those 2 seconds it was like heaven had shot you with an arrow.

Jared pulled back and began to walk toward the kitchen to pack some trip snacks and drinks. but before leaving you alone in the living room he spoke.

Jared: ill leave you with that food for thought for it will be something to definately make conversation about later.

That kiss, your only real first kiss. Made you extremely excited. But the drive the 2 hour drive had you all hot and bothered. you went to pack your stuff in your bag. well at least thats what you thought, when you got to your room, you saw a suitcase, one filled with yours and Jareds stuff. maybe you guys were traveling light or there was already stuff out there for you guys.

you packed your journals, some games and a few books and of course a deck of cards in your backpack. you wheeled the suitcase out of the suite while carrying the backpack. then you went back in to put your hair back.

you heard someone calling your name. you answered the call and heard footsteps coming to your room. you turned to see Jared standing there, like nothing had happened downstairs.

Jared: are we almost ready to go?

YN: almost. just gonna get into something a bit more vacay less public appearance. meet you down in 2... 

Jared: wear something sexy. i guarantee that you will be the hottest thing in the car. and you can pick the music. 

you grabbed something out of the closet and took it into the bathroom. you came out to see Jared standing not  facing you. till you would speak woulkd be when he would know you were there.

YN: does that mean we are bluetoothing it all the way there.

Jared: got the wireless charging pad installed and all ready to go. plus i hooked your phone to the bluetooth already. now when you are ready we will head out.

YN: i know. jared are we gonna discuss what happened between us downstairs?

Jared: that kind of talk is better suited for vacation. 

thom is waiting by the door, you and jared bring down the last of the stuff. thom just as excited about this vacation as any little child should be. everything was loaded in the car, you went to lock the house and set the alarm. but before setting the alarm, you said the one word that you were sure might confirm your suspicions. 

YN: christo!

the cross on the wall near by turned upside down. you finished setting the alarm after salting the doors and windows. only hoping that this would be easy, but now you were certain that you had figured out the darkness that Jared kept mentioning. 

you went to the car, sitting down you nodded at Jared to start driving. and it was declared right then and there that you all were officially on vacation. Thom sat quietly and eventually passed out. your music playing in the background, Jared realizing that Thom had fallen asleep moved his hand to rest on your thigh.

this made you look at him, the darkness in his eyes faded when you placed your hand on his. the darkness that starred at you, the way his hand tightened on your thigh. you were the luckiest girl in the world. you hoped that this vacay would yield the answers you hoped you didnt need. 

over the last little while you had done research on what you thought might be the darkness latched to Jared. after what happened in the house before you left with the cross. you were certain. Jared was possessed. and you had to stop this thing from doing something he would regret. 

your mind circled with those thoughts, but a voice brought you out of your own mind.

Jared: you have been quiet, is everythign alright?

YN: yes everything is fine. just going over the list and making sure we dont need to have the lawn people do any extra tasks while we are gone.

jared: why do you think we forgot something?

YN: its just a feeling. but its nothing to worry about. now when we get there i assume that we are gonne have a tour and a chance to unpack before we decide our first vacation activity.

Jared: i also hope you dont mind sharing a room with me. its a little 5 bedroom cottage but the 3rd, 4th and 5th rooms are supposed to be guest rooms. they only has a cot and no closet. we are just waiting on a few parts to be reno’d in there. 

YN: i think i can live with this arrangement. thom i assume is gonna be in a room close by.

Jared: yep he is at one end of the hall we are at the other. you know when i called you all those months ago, asking you to fly out here to help me, i was ready to give up on finding someone to help me take care of the house and Thom. but your ad made me have hope that maybe you would be the one that would save me.

YN: i think i know what darkness follows you but i wont know forsure until i can run a test. 

Jared: what kind of test

YN: one that would need to be done when Thom is asleep. one that i hope will either prove me right or prove me a liar. that is if your willing to try.

Jared: im willing to try anything.

YN: well then we will try it tonight after Thom goes to bed. 

neither of you had realized how much time had passed, then you saw a sign. Jared smiled.

Jared: we are close now.

YN: that sign that i just saw is that where we are going?

Jared: yep. once you se the place you will understand why i got it. and i sound proofed the master, just in case...

he winked at you as he slowed down at the edge of a driveway. he then guided your gaze to look ahead at the cottage that now stod before you.

Thom woke up shortly after you had pulled him out of the car. he rubbed his eyes and smiled as he ran toward the house, screaming happily as he approached the steps. where he waited for you and Jared. 

you both brought what you could while still having hands to open the door and help Thom up the stairs. jared unlocked the door allowing you and thom to walk through first. your eyes went wide at the first glance of your home away from home with Jared and Thom. 

this was gonna be an amazing vacation. you put down what you carried, as well as let go of Thom who was running around looking at everything. you spun round and somehow landed in the arms of Jared.

Jared: what do you think?

YN: what do i think.. this is amazing. i love this. this is incredible. i wouldnt trade this vacation for anything. honestly i would rather be no where else. im quite happy here. 

Jared: as in this home or my arms.

YN: both. jared, i i... 

just as your about to speak again. you and jared are interrupted by thom coming out of a nearby room half dressed. 

Thom: daddy, YN can we go swimming now...

jared set you back on your feet and you both laughed. 

Jared: in a few moments bud we gotta find the swim suits first. 

as Jared said that the attendants brought up the luggage. you looked at Jared who just smiled and whispered in your ear.

Jared: you have the summer off to relax for 6 weeks. just be normal with me and Thom. these next hours could prove several things for us. starting with lets take Thom swimming and then go from there. we will hopefully eat when we return. the attendants are already preparing supper. 

you could do nothing except smile. it was already turning into a really steamy vacay. you went to where you saw jared going through your shared suitcase. first chance you got you grabbed your bikini and cover.

you went into the nearby spare room closing the door behind you. you get changed, you could hear Jared ask one of the attendants to take Thom to find him a life jacket from the boat house. then you heard silence. 

then you heard the sound of the door knob turning, you were only half done tying your bikini. when Jared walked in shirtless and wearing his swim trunks. 

Jared: need help?

you froze in place at his words it was like your actions were not your own. it was a few seconds after that you felt his hands around your waist sliding slowly up your back.

Jared: i wish we had this place to ourselves. we would not be leaving that master suite for a while. 

YN: i wish Thom was asleep so i could take away your darkness. 

Jared: so you know what it is...

YN: yes and i need you alone when i take away the darkness, Thom would be in too much danger. dont worry you will be darkness free soon. you will be back in the light and free to live your live happy with me and Thom. im not gonna let this darkness ruin your life any longer. tonight it gets banished.

Jared: just gotta tire Thom out enough that he will sleep tonight. 

YN: well then lets not keep him waiting any longer. 

you and jared walk outside and down the path to the lake. you were amazed at the wonder and beauty before you. bout halfway to the lake, you were pressed against the back side of a nearby tree. Jared’s eyes darkened at the sight of you, the feeling of your body beneath his hands had him hard, you could feel it against your lower back. 

Jared: once Thom is gone to bed, I'm gonna make Jared watch through his own eyes as I fuck you into next week. Jared will never inhabit his body again.

You struggled slightly before speaking.

YN: i address the entity within, who are you?

Jared’s form just smiled evily at you, his hands still freely roaming your body. 

YN: well you should also know that you wont live long enough to fuck me into next week. im gonna expell you from Jared’s body and send you back where you came from. now i command thee for all that light brings give me Jared back immediately.

once you finished speaking Jared’s body fell to his knees, you kneel down to only be hugged by Jared.

Jared: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry

YN: don't worry, just calm down. That demon is gonna be gone when I do the ritual. Take a few moments to breathe, I'm gonna go sit on the dock where the attendant is in the shallows with thom. Just take your time.

You placed a kiss to his cheek, then walked the rest of the way to the lake. Upon arrival at the lake, you watched the attendant and Thom, playing in the shallow water.

Attendant: miss YN. Where is Master Jared?

YN: he will be along shortly he just wanted to check his messages make sure everything is running smoothly.

Attendant: then I shall stay down here with you both till he arrives. How do you like the place Miss?

Yn: it's gorgeous. I love it. I have never been invited to go on any type of vacation. Not even in my own family. So this was a really awesome surprise.

Attendant: that is so sad... Well to many more times like this then. Thom here is a amazing little kiddo, you have been working so hard master Jared just wanted to give you a vacation you wouldn't soon forget.

Thom meanwhile was just enjoying the water, his expression had a huge smile on it. He was wet head to toe and absolutely having fun!

You kept waiting on the dock for Jared to approach and for 10 min he didn't till you, looked and saw his form approach.

you sat on the dock and felt him slide down behind you, his legs are on either side of yours, his arms round your waist. you both sat there enjoying the view while Thom played with the attendant in the water below. neither you nor Jared felt like moving knowing that in a few hours you both would be expelling the demonic force that lay now dormant inside Jared. 

Jared: do you know what is better than sitting here on the dock.

YN: what

Jared: sitting on the dock with you surrounded by nature, this will be the best vacation ever once we get rid of the demon.

~time skip to a few hours later. after some swimming you all went back to the house for dinner. after dinner you guys played a game or 2 with Thom who then went with one of the attendants and had a bath, then it was time to put him to sleep. you and Jared read him a story, then he fell fast asleep. for he truely was tuckered out, you and Jared dismissed the attendants and locked the doors for the evening. you both went to the master suite as we return to the story.~

YN: i need to set something up first can you wait like 5 minutes before you enter the bathroom. oh and dont plan on showering in your trunks, and bring towels with you. i have a feeling like we will need them when we are done. 

Jared: ill see you in there.

you walk towards the bathroom, holding the prayer beeds in one hand and un doing your bikini in the other. you placed the bikini on the ground and set your phone on the counter. 

YN:  Exorcizo te, creatura aquae. In nomine dei patris omnipotentis et in virtute spiritus sancti.

you finished the incantation and placed the rosery on the shower head so it lands in the water. then you took one look out the window and just let the water run over your body. 

Jared walks in with nothing on he places the towels on the counter, you see him out of the corner of your eye.

Yn: join me?

Jared didn't need an invitation he was already climbing in behind you. For he knew that this was the only way to expell the demon.

You turned around and now faced him, you looked up at him holding his gaze you move him round so he is under the water.

His body starts shaking that's when you spoke again.

Yn: please let this work...

You had him lift you up so he was holding you as you slid down onto his cock, and spoke the incantation that hopefully would save his life. In other words bring his light fuller to push away the darkness.

Also there was a Devils trap in the floor where jard was standing you had the attendantz draw one, for the demon to be sent straight back to hell. With a clear voice the following words were spoken by you.

Yn: exorcisomus te, omnis immunus spirits, omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursion infernalis adversarri, omnis legio, omnis congregato, insectas diabolicas, ergo dracto malidicte, eclesium secura fascious liberate, te regamous, audinos

At that point black smoke came out of Jared's mouth, and went straight through the floor. When Jared looked at you again his eyes were clear and he leaned you against the wall.

He began thrusting his hard cock in and out of your pussy. It was something that both of you had dreamed about for months.

His hard cock pounding your sensitive tender pussy. With each thrust you climaxed. But it was the kisses that left you both breathless.

The more he thrust the more he came. After 45 minutes and 16 climaxes for the both of you.

Jared set you down, helped you rinse off, both of you getting out after Jared turned off the water, Jared wrapped a towel round you, then he dried himself off.

Jared: thank you. Thank you for saving my life. But where did you learn to do that.

YN: too much research on the paranormal. I knew something was off and when that demon named himself I knew what I had to do. 

Jared: would you consider making your time here a role more permenant than just a nanny?

YN: what kind of role would that be?

you are immediately pickd up and placed on the bed with Jared crawling on top of you. he made love to you for a few moments before just curling up with you in his arms and muttered only 2 words before he crashed.

Jared: marry me

you used voice command to turn out the lights before passing out yourself. when you both woke the next morning with just a sheet covering your still cuddling forms. you blinked a bit before moving a piece of Jared’s hair out of his eyes. 

it was a few moments later that Jared stirred. 

YN: morning handsome.

Jared: that was the best ive slept in years. 

YN: do you remember saying anything after we hit the pillow last night.

Jared twists away from you for a moment and pulls something out of one of the drawers in his nightstand, before coming back to your embrace.

Jared: all this time i felt empty and now i want nothing more than to have you stay permenantly. YN will you partner with me in raising Thom full time, not as a nanny but as a step mom to him. YN i believ i already asked you this but will you marry me?

he reveals a small rose gold band with a 15k diamond in the center surrounded by your birthstone and Jareds birth stone. this made you nod alot, trying to find your voice as the cool metal band slid on your finger. 

YN: yes! yes yes yes!!!! but umm does this mean we dont have to leave this bed right away. 

Jared: i think that can be arranged besides its still early. its only 6am... we are still on work time. 

going back to cuddle mode you admired your new ring as Jared now once more wraped your form in his own, your leg draped over his hip and you guys were basically a free range pretzel. so to speak. it became the start of the life you always wanted something permenant and stable. not loose and ragged. 

goes to show love strikes when you least expect it.

coder boyfriends!

Who said “I love you” first: they both thought it would be tobin, but it’s actually leif - they’re watching a movie together and tobin says something utterly dumb but endearing and leif just in that moment is like “huh. i love him.” and he says it out loud

Who would have the other’s picture as their phone background: probably tobin - he likes to act like he’s tough and cool but we’ve seen that he’s more likely to wear his heart on his sleeve now that he’s taking himself seriously and when he’s smitten he’s smitten (and who can blame him bc if he has a picture of leif as his background its either 1) he fell asleep on him and tobin took a picture to tease him later or 2) its a candid where his smile is stupidly bright)

Who leaves notes written in fog on the bathroom mirror: leif - sometimes it’s just hearts, or “ily” and sometimes its memes and tobin never knows what to expect anymore bc it fluctuates rapidly

Who buys the other cheesy gifts: this one is also leif but again they fluctuate between being really really sweet and being the literal worst gifts ever but tobin loves all of them because “yes, zoey, i do need a plaque on my desk that says ‘if you dont play fortnite we cant have date night’”

Who initiated the first kiss: this one was tobin - i have a lot of thoughts about first kisses for them, but i really love the idea of them having The Talk about their feelings and junk and leif is anxious-ranting and essentially apologizing for liking tobin and tobin is just like,,, nah stop that and kisses him 

Who kisses the other awake in the morning: leif - he’s usually up first anyways and tobin has a habit of oversleeping no matter how many alarms he sets (before they were dating, leif usually had to make sure he woke up on time for work, too) but its much harder to ignore your boyfriends sleepy kisses 

Who starts tickle fights: leif starts them and it usually ends in either leif begging for mercy (because tobin is much more competitive than he lets on) or it transfers into sweet kisses/making out (idk if that makes sense but,,,, cute vibes)

Who asks who if they can join the other in the shower: tobin does and leif thinks hes joking but hes not

Who surprises the other in the middle of the day at work with lunch: they usually eat lunch together anyways but if one of them is going out to grab lunch theyll almost certainly either invite the other or bring them something back (tobin definitely notices when leif is stressed or hasnt eaten tho and makes an extra effort to make sure he takes a break and eats something, even if he has to literally pull him away from his desk)

Who was nervous and shy on the first date: both of them, but more outwardly, leif - tobin is much better about covering up when he’s nervous - leif is also very frustrated that he’s as nervous as he is bc he’s known tobin for so long and he doesnt think it should feel like anythings changed or that he should be worried about tobin liking him because obviously tobin likes him and if he’s stuck with him this long, he doesn’t think there’s anything that could change that now but he’s still stuttering and nervous until tobin acknowledges it and is like “ok dude why are we freaking? we’re best friends, nothing’s changing except now i can like kiss you and stuff”

Who kills/takes out the spiders: tobin takes them outside because one time they were drinking and leif started crying when tobin went to step on the spider so now he doesnt kill them because he doesnt know if that was a One Time Drunk Thing for leif or something that genuinely bothers him and he doesnt wanna ask about it

Who loudly proclaims their love when they’re drunk: tobin (both of them do sometimes but tobin more) - this is actually how zoey and max find out they’re dating, because they convince them to go out for drinks after work and once tobins a couple drinks in he will not shut up about how handsome his boyfriend is and leifs face is beet red the entire time 

oohohoho you just opened the deepest can of worms on the planet

-mod dave, who wrote a fucking ten mile essay

first off, addressing the second anon, no theyre all humans. h., half humans at least. cause yall know me i fucking love my humanstuck aus off my ASS

(that would be funny as hell though. a troll from space walking into a camp on earth going “I AM THE SON OF ONE OF YOUR EARTH GODS. BITCH” like... holy shit)

so first things first their parents. im gonna lay this out, the beta kids and trolls are all greek (EXCEPT sollux hes roman cause his parent has no greek equivalent), and all the alpha kids and trolls are those gods roman equivalents (,,EXCEPT dirk cause he kinda balances sollux being roman out). i havent figured out how thatd happen like 16+ times yet cause in the percy jackson books theres only ever been one instance of two siblings of the same godly descent being greek and roman respectively in HISTORY so like.. i guess th. i guess thats just not a problem in this au

anyway this gets really long so im gonna talk about the beta kids and trolls cause i havent elaborated on the alphas at all ((peep the tags if you wanna see their parents though))

johns the son of zeus, rose is the daughter of athena, dave is the son of apollo, and jade is the daughter of demeter. they were all raised in their respective states, all had to come to new york for various reasons. jades been there the longest, shes been there 9 years and shes been on a couple quests. her biggest accomplishment so far is how she protected the camp from this big vicious angry hellhound that got past the barrier. naturally the girls fluent in Dog Training, so she steps up and instead of trying to kill this thing, she reaches out and tames it as fast as she can. it ends up actually working, and ever since that day she, her cabin, and the camp have a whole bodyguard sleeping right outside the demeter cabin! hes her steed in battle and hes a Very Good Boy. and his name is becquerel

johns the newest kid at camp, he has no idea who he is or why the fuck his school got attacked or why in the hell those anemoi thuellai were so fixated on him or HOW in the hell he absorbed the lightning one threw at him and ended up fine,,, hes just a big mess right now. a big enough mess that when he got claimed by literally zeus, no one else was around, he shrugged it off as some basic magical happening, and he stayed in the hermes cabin far longer than he should have cause no one! fucking knew he got claimed! by zeus of all people! dumbass. he ends up figuring it out though. like an off-hand mention about how this “weird lightning thing appeared above my head a couple weeks ago, haha weird right?” once he figures it out he realizes “hey i might be able to fly” so he sneaks off into the woods to try it. he succeeds fairly quickly but god almighty everyones face the one day the dude just yote himself off a small cliff without warning,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

dave and rose are really tight, theyve been there roughly the same time length, and since their cabins are across from each other they just bother each other all the time. daves the resident Doctor even though he really doesnt look it cause hes got the apollo powers. apollo is the medicine god. so if you wound your stupid ass in battle daves in the ER room patching you up with his glowy hands. rose on the other hand is a very good strategist. shes one of the only athena kids ever recorded to actually have a power - telekinesis. she has no idea how she developed it, she thinks its from birth, but it freaks her out. shes training it though.

so the beta trolls, are also all human(ish). aradias hades kid. but i pulled a pjo trope on her based on one of my favorite characters (im not saying for spoilers, but if you recognize the situation, You Probably Know Who Its Based Off) and aradia died. her mom, the handmaid, had been pulling some Shady Ass Shit and ended up getting herself killed, but aradia tried saving her and ended up going down with her.

so handmaid gets sentenced to the fields of punishment in the underworld, and aradia gets sentenced to elysium, heroes paradise. shes like “no i want my mom to be okay” so they take that away from aradia and they put them both in the fields of asphodel, the neverending grey space for Not So Good But Not So Bad people. her mom becomes a shade (shadow spirit, no human resemblance), as all people do, but aradia. doesnt? and she gets dunked in the fucking river lethe and if you dont know what that does it erases your memory. so she just. comes out of the river like “hello? wgat tae fukc goin on??” but she still remembers one thing. there was an “a” in her name.

tavros is the son of hermes, hes just kinda taken on the role of backup counselor for when the actual cabin counselor is out. hes in a wheelchair, but he also has prosthetic legs for when he needs to actually stand up and fight. hes really good at it too. also catch him in winged converse cause he Owns Those and Uses Them To His Advantage. hes trying his best to keep focused on the camp, cause aradia was his childhood friend, he misses her a whole lot, she never got to camp in the first place. and to his knowledge, shes still dead.

sollux is a janus kid. thats a problem cause janus is roman, and this is a greek camp. he grew up with dave, he showed up with dave, hes been at camp as long as dave. but hes been unclaimed since he showed up so he thinks hes unwanted by whatever parent he has. he knows hes a demigod, he got through the camp barriers, so what the fuck is wrong with him? he also feels shitty cause hes shit at the greek lessons, he cant read a lick of it which literally every demigod without exception should be able to do, he cant name any gods- well, he can, but.. he gets their names mixed up. why does he keep calling poseidon “neptune”? and he has a much, much different way of natural fighting than other kids. they slice, he jabs. he wasnt taught to jab. 

karkat is an aphrodite kid with vitiligo, and to make matters worse, hes ace and on the aro spectrum. to make matters WORSE, the aphrodite kids are kinda notorious for being really shallow, really materialistic, and really mean. karkats been dubbed the “runt” of the cabin, he gets made fun of for his spots to the point where he uses make up and magic to conceal them. worst of all? hes the kid of the goddess of love, for fucks sake. being reminded that “loveless people shouldnt be able to stay in this cabin, mom must have made a mistake claiming you” is kind of.. a blow to the self esteem. long story short he hates aphrodite for claiming him, and would have rather stayed in the hermes cabin. but he eventually goes on this big quest thats vague as fuck right now but Its The Main Plot, he ends up proving to himself that hes worth something and that his siblings are wrong, and my FAVORITE LINE IN THE WHOLE THING i came up with is HIS when he deals a final blow to some big monster: “REMEMBER MY FACE THE NEXT TIME YOU REINCARNATE. MY NAME IS KARKAT VANTAS, I’M THE SON OF APHRODITE, AND LOOKS CAN KILL.”

nepeta isnt anywhere near developed as others are unfortunately, shes a daughter of ares and shes really really good at hand to hand combat. shes small but she leads groups of people in things ranging from camp volleyball games to actual literal wars. shes a tough little shit

kanaya isnt really developed either, i have yet to figure out most of her powers too actually, shes a daughter of iris, the rainbow goddess though. (blatant reference to both kanayas vampirism and. h. her. sh. es ga. gay) ONE THING SHE CAN DO THOUGH is iris message at will without water or drachmas so really shes just everyones go to cell phone and its fucking hilarious cause people just come into the cabin like “KANAYA I NEED TO TALK TO [X]” and shes like “You Better Fucking Pay Me I Am Not Your Personal Cell Phone”

terezi is the daughter of nemesis and she has this really peculiar power she hasnt really gotten the hang of yet. she has synesthesia, so while she cant see she can smell and taste the colors of her surroundings and its really helpful. sometimes though she gets messages from her mom. they dont even come as dreams half the time, they come as almost a different plane altogether. tez has the power to literally tip the scales, pretty much. and when she gets like that, she can see. shes not on earth though, shit on earth stops when shes like that. shes just kinda In Her Own Head, i guess? and in her head she holds the two scales in her hands. she is the arms of the scale. and depending on which one she lifts up, she can literally alter the fate of the battle or happening thats going on By Herself. once she chooses she just whooshes back to real life though and nothing has changed. the only downside? it takes a LOT of energy and cant be exploited for little things. her one thing on her bucket list is to tap into said powers while getting something from a vending machine so like three things will fall out but it hasnt happened yet and shes upset

vriskas a daughter of tyche, the luck goddess, come the fuck on you knew i was gonna, i havent really elaborated on her either and im upset about that. but hey now you get a break from all those fucking paragraphs

equius is a hephaestus kid, and he kinda stays in the background. hes a range fighter, he spends a lot of time in the forge, and even though its been a project looooong since forgotten, hes been excavating the tunnels under cabin nine for years. by himself. he has no idea where they lead, but dammit hes gonna find out where. he has no idea about a certain bunker in the woods though...

gamzees just there for a fucking laugh tbh hes a son of dionysus and i love that cause hes the god of wine and parties and insanity. usually gamzees just zoning out somewhere hes Not supposed to be, and hes not affected by the maenads FUCKED UP BULLSHIT that goes down the forest sometimes. also hes so fucking scared of tavroses wing shoes he tried them on once while he was high and JESUS CHRIST

eridan is the son of kymopoleia, a SUPER obscure goddess. lets just say dont fuck with eridan cause his mom is the goddess of violent sea storms,

and naturally, feferi is the daughter of poseidon. cause who the FUCK else would she be the daughter of. WHO. NAME ONE GOD

OH AND JUST CAUSE I FORGOT CALLIE AND CALIBORN ARE SATYRS IN THIS AU. CALLIE HAS PAN PIPES. and caliborn still has a gun

Watch “Love O2O” with Me!

Episode 17

hhh we’re back!!  im so excited to see how this fukcign goes aldkjsflaskd

i have my half eaten ramen and my half drunken mogu mogu and my phone is still plugged in

as one of my three sunshine kpop support boys mark lee would say, lezgeddit

we open with the

i got some water

we open with the last minute of action from e16

do they not recognize the area ??

that theyve eaten at multiple times???

smh

OH MY GOD

KODAK IS EATING WITH HIM I

MAN REALLY IS LIKE

boy you really dont realize

smh

chef boy is in love but like is not good at going about it

green super power

the watch did we see the watch???

im

kodak had too many drinks

kodak is a silly drunk

its so sad that he doesnt have someone he knows better with him

all im seeing on the screen is

laksdjflksdjflkajsdklfjewoihoaiwrehoawihiasjgklasjfhasdhfpweoh

over and over

he did find kodak’s addy tho

hmmm

im getting less and less liking of this guy

hmmmm

oh kodak...baobeiiii

i

you deserve someone better than this guy

akdsjfalskdkalsd

oh my god

kodak nooo baby

this isnt

:[

he

hhhhh

kodak i want to protect you so much

k.o.

his iteral name is k.o

damn nai really said fuck you

oh my god

i deadass thought they were going to use a different song aldkfjalskj

is

is nai sleeping?

oh no nevermind

he just waiting

AAAHHAHAHHAHAHA I LOVE NAI SO MUCH

i am so *eyes emoji* about this

why do they hold their phones like that

im so interested at the outcoem

broke RECORDS

haha 69

nice

OH SHIT

A NEW RECRUIT

lmaoooooo im so wild over this whole plot

CAN YOU SPEAK IN HUMAN ALKDFJA;KLSDF

what is kodak doing

howeklajke

who ordered delivery

nai is so hot when hes confident i

SUPER FAMOUS HACKER

WHAT THE FUCK

DAMN

WHAT HAPPENED IN 2011 I WANT TO KNOW

nai really is putting kodak in charge of him

wow

kodak

babe

why did you change my wallpaper

im sick

SHE’S UGLY AFDLKASJDF;LAKSJDF

he really do be thinking about himself

god nai and september look so good

aklsdjfaskl september is such a dork

sept:  :)

nai:  :|

so dramatic smh

this old man is dope

theyre in game now

well

one owner at least

aww theyre both :)

they

they just made the tigers get married

im

alright then

nai really :]

i like seeing nai in casual clothes

but i wonder how the #Squade are doing

wait is hp short for hewlett packer

hold on i have to google someting

packard but still

you learn new things every day!

oh is that nai’s bedroom in the background

inch resting

what is wei2 going to do

shes...dancign??

yes

oh thats what that button does

ok then

ooohhh i love weiwei’s outfit

sehr suess

shes getting the same phone as nai

in the same color

um

wont that get confusing

how did she pay for it

like i know she was tutoring and stuff but like

is the phone already charged???

why hasnt she told her parents she has a new phone

shes going to get blocked by him

shes really gonna send her card number over the phone

WHAT IF HE BLOCKS YOU

smh

oh my god she reallly be daydreaming about hat

IM SO WEAK

HE ACTUALLY SENT HER MONEY

GET ME A GUY LIKE THIS PLEASE

sit in your little alcove

cowaerd

HAHAHAHAHAH

SHE REALLY TRIED THO

HOW DOES A BANK ACCOUNT LOOK FAMILARI

WHAT THE FUCK

THATS TERRIFYING

byadfawjeowe

buy a plane ticket

jesus its been like what???  a few weeks

oh nevermind the cactus is blooming its probably been a month or so

shut the fuck up

oh she really is packing

where is she gonna stay

xiaoling is letting her stay with her

?

to improve her literary education?

mmm sure okay

stopp im going to cry i dont want to leave my home again hhhh

that literally looked like l.a aldkjfalksd

oh thats a cute top

maybe tell him you have arrived???  maybe that would be a good idea???

exactly why you call a head of time

did she really just drag her A;LKSDJFALS;KDJF OH MY GOD

SHE REALLY DO BE INTERRUPTING THINGS AT WORK HUH

yikes

yIKES

eloping?

september is like fucking christ okay

eloping?

september is now having a lot of fun

he really do have their backs tho akdjfl;ks

blue nai blue nai blue nai blieiaorajwfajw

he is definitely shocked

weiwei clam down dont wrrory

hes definitely thrilled to OH MY GOD

jjesusus this is uncomfortable to watch

she looks like a dead fish

girl

if nai yang yang was kissing me i would definitely be ore into it

jesus

OH MY GOD

HES SO ROMANTIC AND SHES A DEAD FISH

fuck him adjusting his watch should not have been so hot

girl the window blinds are ummm

open

no why

why are you leaving that doesnt make any sense

she really do not have confidence huh

she has to go find more money ajd;flkasjd

she doesnt want to be

oh my god just figure it out jfc

septmeterb ;alkdfja;sldk

hes :( now

damn

thats why you check first before you kiss someone

she has a paper hat on

ajdsflaksjdf

girl he can just find it online too

yes she is being shy

he :]

HAHAHAHAH HE LOOKS SO CUTE IN HIS HAT

HE REALLY :D

AWWW

cute cute cute

that honestly was the first time ive seen them have that much chemistry irl

he also :)

ok ok ok

thats it for this episode

i cannot wait for like more interactions with the #Squad again

and maybe now that she has a phone we can find out whats going on with erxi at zhenyi tech

i mainly just want to find out mroe about the whole thing with k.o and kodak

bc i obviously have my suspicions

but like

thats not the end all be all

anyways

thank you for reading!!!

stay safe and stay healthy <333

I was reading this "ex prompt list" and while I want you to write all of them, I really liked this one: "You talk about me in your new song and I get mad over it, so I’m standing outside your apartment door to argue, only to see you open the door half naked." Thank you, darling! You're a gift!

She’s on her way home from work when she hears it. Listening to the radio isn’t something she does, not anymore, but her car can’t connect to her phone’s Bluetooth and she forgot the aux cord, so it was either the radio or silence.

She probably should have stayed in silence.

Because for the first time in three months, for the first time since she was in Target and heard one of his songs over the speakers, she hears his voice.

And she hates it.

But she apparently hates herself a little bit more because she doesn’t change the station or turn the radio off. She doesn’t recognize the opening chords to this song. She recognizes the chords to every song. She knows all of the lyrics, all of the rifts and pauses. She knows everything.

But she doesn’t know this one.

It’s quiet, sullen, the usually prominent instruments muted in the background so that his voice comes through as clearly as possible. It takes her thirty seconds and two references of a swan flying away – really subtle there, Jones – for her to realize that the song is about her. She has to pull over to the side of the road, making several different cars blare their horns at her, but she can’t…she can’t listen to this while driving. She can’t hear him sing a song that’s clearly about their break up. She has to listen, but she can’t do anything else.

She can barely breathe.

He sounds broken. But she knows that’s on purpose. He records those songs a million times over, until he gets them exactly how he wants them to be, so she knows that he’s manufactured it this way. She’s watched him record enough songs to know how things work.

How dare he do this.

How dare he put their private life out there for anyone with ears to hear.

Hot tears sting behind her eyes, and she has to bury her face in her hands while her throat constricts, emotion lodging itself there and making her feel as if she has to vomit. Or as if she can’t breathe. She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know anything.

All she knows is that she misses him. She misses Killian.

But right now she hates him for making her relive their breakup, for making her relive the agony that was the weeks and months of separation that inevitably led them to walking away from each other.

Or maybe it was her.

She’s not sure. If anything, it’s all a blur of tears and alcohol, sobs wracking her body while she was unable to feel anything but pain. She’d waited so long to find someone who understood her, who wanted to be with her with no reservations, who wouldn’t leave. But then he had left. It had been for work. She knows this. She understands this. Despite everything, she wants nothing more than for him to be happy and to follow his dreams. She just wishes it didn’t come at the expense of them.

She just wishes she’d been strong enough to handle the months of separation and the way that their schedules never matched up, the way that they were constantly missing each other when they tried to call.

The song ends and immediately something happy, upbeat plays through her speakers. She’s having some kind of meltdown on the side of the road, and the world keeps going by. Cars continue to drive by, shaking her bug with their momentum, and the song that’s about one of the worst periods of her life is quickly forgotten and replaced by something about…dancing in a club. It’s literally just about dancing.

She lets out a watery chuckle, the emotion that was lodged in her throat clearing the slightest bit so that she can breathe. Was she not breathing? She might not have been breathing.

Now that she can breathe again, she inhales, sucking her chest in before letting out a gush of air in an attempt to calm herself. In her review mirror she can see that her face is red and splotchy, that her eyes are still watery, and she has to wipe away the snot that’s formed at her nose.

It’s as she’s rubbing her eyes, trying to clear her vision, that all of the sadness starts to twist, transforming into something else entirely. She’s pissed. Absolutely pissed. And she can’t help but think of her earlier thoughts when the song first started playing.

How dare he do this to her.

How dare he write that song and put it on the radio.

Before she knows it, she’s putting her car in drive, looking over her shoulder to make sure the road is clear, before she’s pulling off of the dirt and onto the pavement, speeding down the road in the direction of Killian’s apartment instead of toward hers, driving in the direction of the place where she lived for so long. She knows he’s home, that he’s in town. And she only knows this because David still talks to him, still talks about him, and she overheard David talking to Mary Margaret about Killian being home for the next few weeks and how they’re going to go out for a pint to catch up.

She knows the path to his apartment better than she knows the path to her own, a right here followed by another until it’s a straight shot to the parking garage underneath his building. She still has her sticker, the one that lets her inside. She never could get the damn thing off.

But now it’s useful as she pulls into an empty guest space, hastily getting out of the car and slamming the door shut as she makes her way over to the elevator, hoping that the code hasn’t changed and she can still get inside. It’s only two minutes before she’s standing in front of his door, the momentum and adrenaline propelling her hand forward until she’s banging on the wood so roughly that her hand might actually hurt.

She hurts.

Every bit of anger, of malice, of disappointment that she has is on the tip of her tongue, posed to be spit at him as soon as she sees him, but then the door is swung open and she sees him for the first time in…shit. It’s been five months. It’s been three months since she heard his voice in Target, but it’s been five months since she’s seen him.

And he’s now standing in front of her with his hair damply falling across his forehead, water trailing down the hair of his chest, and the words of his tattoo peeking up over the white towel he has slung across his hip.

Fuck.

She doesn’t have any other words, especially as his fists clench and the muscles in his arms strain while his jaw ticks. He’d look surprised when she first showed up, his lips parting before closing, almost as if he had something he wanted to say. But now he looks angry, a storm raging behind his eyes, and all she can think about is the time that they went to Bermuda for their anniversary and spent the entire week either in bathing suits, a towel, or nothing at all.

“What are you doing here, Swan?”

There’s no anger in his voice though. It’s calm, even, and it’s that fact that gets her back on track. He sounded broken in the song. He’s obviously not broken like she is.

“How dare you write that song,” she spits, trying to keep her voice just as steady, knowing that she’s failing. “You just put our life, my life, out there for everyone to hear.”

“No one knows it’s about you.”

“I do! I know! Our friends know! Everybody goddamn knows! I’m driving down the road on my way home from work, trying to live my life, trying to move on, and I just have everything that I’m trying to forget thrown back in my face like that.”

“Love – ”

“Don’t call me that,” she cries, hating how her voice cracks. She shouldn’t have done this. She shouldn’t have come. She should have never let her emotions drive her, but that’s always what’s she’s done. She’s never been one to be able to hold back when she really feels. “I am not your love. You’ve made that very clear.”“Swan,” he grits, crossing his arms over his heaving chest, “if you want to yell at me, come inside. I have neighbors, and I don’t think we want them witnessing this.”

She huffs, disbelief that he’s actually inviting her inside so that she can continue this emotional breakdown, but her feet still carry her inside, her eyes glancing over the apartment the moment she gets inside. It all looks exactly the same.

She hates that it all looks the same.

Something should have changed.

All of her stuff is gone.

She’s gone.

Something should have changed.

She turns around to look back at Killian, who’s locking the door behind him before running his hands through his damp hair, pushing it back on his forehead, before he’s rubbing his fingers over his scruff. She hates how good he looks almost as much as she hates that that’s what she’s focusing on.

“Why are you here?” he sighs, the indignation he had replaced with acceptance. “The song? You’re mad about the song?”

“Of course I’m mad about the song. How could I not be? Have you heard it?”

“I wrote it. And in case you’ve forgotten, I have dozens of other songs about you, nearly every one of them on a record somewhere. You never seemed pissed about those then.”

“We weren’t broken up then.”“Well whose bloody fault is that? Because it’s not mine. I didn’t want to break up.”

“You think I wanted to break up?” she screams, not caring about staying calm while her entire body heats, her skin feeling overly warm and her head throbbing while her heart pounds. “You think I wanted to be having breakdowns on the side of the road because I can’t handle reliving parts of our relationship. You think I wanted to be the girl who sat at home and cried every time you didn’t pick up the phone? Every time you had to go one minute into our conversation? Every time I went out with my friends and heard your voice on the speakers at a bar when I hadn’t actually heard your voice in days? You think I wanted that?”

She can’t…she can’t breathe again, her heart beating far too quickly in her chest. This isn’t healthy. This isn’t good. She needs…she needs to sit down. So she does, collapsing to the ground and resting her back against his hallway wall while she wraps her arms around her knees and lets herself have another breakdown.

Who the hell needs dignity?

“Emma,” Killian sighs, and that only makes things worse. He never calls her Emma, not unless something is important, and she hates herself for this entire situation. She hates that he is able to still have this power over her, that she still loves him so much that she can’t fathom the fact that she’s not with him.

“Emma,” he repeats, kneeling down next to her, his towel opening as he squats, which really doesn’t help the situation at all. “Are you okay?”

“Do you think I’m okay?”

“No.” His thumb reaches up and wipes away the tears on her cheek. That’s the first time she’s felt his touch in five months too. And it’s also what makes her look up to see that he’s got a tear falling onto his cheek too. “I’m sorry, lo – Swan. I’m sorry that you heard the song and that it hurt you.”

“Why’d you write it then? You had to know that I’d hear it eventually.”

“Because I hurt too. Music is how I deal with things. You know this. You’ve always known this. And how the hell else am I supposed to deal with my heartbreak?”

“By writing the damn song and then not putting it on the radio.”

“I had to fulfill my contract. I had to release a new single.”

“Don’t you have another one? One that’s not about us?”

“No.”

She sighs, leaning her head back against the wall and tightly closing her eyes all while she physically aches. She aches for them to be back to normal, aches for this to not be happening anymore. She should have never come here.

“How long are you home?”

“What?” he stutters, his voice visibly shaken.

She opens her eyes and looks back at him, attempting to even her breaths. “How long are you home this time? How long until you have to leave again?”

“A few weeks. I’ve got to go back and meet with the guys for a couple of days at the end of September.”

She doesn’t know why she does what she does next, but before she can stop herself, before she can think straight, she leans forward and slides her lips over his in a harsh, demanding kiss. Her hands are in his hair in an instant, using the soft strands to tug him closer, and his hands find her face, the warmth and roughness of the pads of his fingers holding her to him as well. It’s like being connected, like being right, after so many months of not feeling like herself, of feeling like something in her life is off kilter.

Like something is wrong.

She doesn’t care that they shouldn’t be doing this. She doesn’t care that she shouldn’t be pushing Killian against the floor, the hardwood uncomfortable under her knees, and she doesn’t care that she’s losing her mind over the way that Killian’s groaning into her mouth and thrusting his hips up against hers, the towel doing nothing to hide his arousal.

And she really doesn’t care when they stumble away from the entrance of his apartment and fall back into his bedroom, quickly and surely moving against each other in the way that they always have. He feels good, fantastic, and she knows she should never be thinking about she and Killian together when they’re very obviously having a relapse, a collapse back into the them they used to be.

So she doesn’t say anything, doesn’t let herself not enjoy this, but she can’t speak, she can’t return Killian’s words of ecstasy and affection while he moves inside of her and above her. She simply falls into how good, how right, this feels, and figures that she’ll…she’ll figure it all out later.

It turns out when later comes that she’s still not ready to figure it out. She still doesn’t know what to do. Instead of getting up and leaving when they were finished, she didn’t. She stayed. She’s not sure that she had the strength to leave, that she even wanted to, so now she’s wrapped up in one of Killian’s sweaters while her legs are stuck in between his and his hands are trailing through her hair. She feels his heartbeat under her palm, the slow rise and fall of his chest a rhythm that she knows better than any other.

A rhythm that she knows better than any song he’s ever written.

“Sex doesn’t solve our problems, Swan. You know that, right?”

“I know,” she confesses, snuggling closer to him despite everything. “I don’t…we shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t even still be here. I’m not sure what came over me, over us.”“A hell of a lot of emotions.” She feels his lips against her forehead, the sweat that’s gathered there being pushed away. “We’ve got…there’s a lot left between us, love. There was never anything wrong between us, I don’t think. I just wasn’t there.”

“That’s kind of what went wrong. You can’t be in a relationship without being there.”

“But it’s not us. It was the distance, my job.”

“Which is your dream.”

“Aye, it was my dream,” he confirms softly, running his fingers through her hair and down her back. “It is my dream. But I should have never let it come between us. You’ve been my life for half a decade. You have been there for absolutely everything, and I should have tried harder, should have done more.”

“I don’t think there was anything either of us could have done.”

“I could have made more time to call. I could have scheduled breaks between cities. I could have booked a flight for me, for you. I could have done so much to save us, to make you feel less alone.”

“Killian, this isn’t all on you.”

“No, no, it’s not, but I’ve had five months of living alone, even when I wasn’t here, to think about all of the things I could have changed.”

“Me too,” she sighs, lifting her head from his chest and untangling her legs before she moves to the other side of the bed, putting distance between them all the while Killian rubs his hand up and down his face trying to work out the stress lines. “I don’t…I don’t know what to do.”

“I don’t either. Do you even want to try again? Or are we chalking this up to a one-time thing? To a fallback?”

For the first time since she’s shown up here, he sounds as broken as he did during the song. He sounds like she feels, like there’s something missing, something just out of reach. He sounds…he doesn’t sound like Killian. Not the one that she knew. Not the one who woke her up in the mornings with a smile on his face and laughter in his eyes. Not the one who sang while he cooked, often burning the food because he would start writing down the beginnings of a song.

He doesn’t sound like the man who loved her.

The man who she loves.

“I don’t want it to be that,” she answers honestly, wrapping her arms around her legs and resting her chin on her knees. “But I can’t go back to how we were…what do you want?”

“You.”

A shiver runs down her spine, gooseflesh popping up on her skin.

“That’s all. You just want me?”

“Always, Emma,” he promises, his lips ticking up on the right and the lines around his eyes crinkling while his tongue clicks. “But you’re right. We can’t…I can’t leave like that. I can’t do things just for me without considering you. And you can’t let me just do it and say that things are okay.”

“I kind of figured you knew things weren’t okay.”

“You’ve never lied to me, so I didn’t expect it then. I always believed the words that you said.”

“So what are we doing, Killian? What do we do?”

He shrugs, sitting up against the headboard. “We try again. We make compromises. We do better. For ourselves. For each other. And maybe I don’t put a song out without letting you know.”She smiles, the first genuine smile without heartbreak hidden behind it, for the first time today. Maybe for the first time in months.

“I’d like that.”

It takes more than one day for things to get back to normal. It takes weeks, months really. Killian was a constant part of her life for five years, but after nearly half a year apart, things don’t simply snap back. Trust has to be rebuilt, routines have to become routine again, and she has to learn that things are never going to be perfect and that compromise is a hell of a lot harder than simply saying the word. You actually have to break and bend, give and give up, but it’s worth it if you want to make things work.

She wants to make things work.

Killian does too.

And the next time she hears a song on the radio that’s about her, Killian’s voice isn’t broken. And neither is her heart.

“You’re overthinking– I’m yours. That’s all I want to be.”

*kicks door open* I CHIME IN WITH A HASNT ERIN EVER HEARD OF, WRITING A PROMPT ON TIME, NO!

I’m so sorry this took so long and I don’t even know??? I had this idea in my head and just sort of went with it *shrugs* I hope you enjoy lovely and thank you so much for the prompt!

Love Me Now or Never

It all started with a text message.

“Look, I don’t want to ruin our relationship, professional or…whatever this is, but I would 100% let you wreck me if given the chance.”

Rhys hit send and immediately threw his phone across the room onto his bed. Had he really just done that? What the fuck was he thinking sending a text like that to Handsome Jack!?  He could feel his heart pounding in his chest like a kick drum.

The two had struck up a rather flirtatious relationship over the past few months, which hadn’t been helping the raging crush the young PA had on his CEO. Jack seemed just as interested in Rhys as he was in him and it finally reached a point where Rhys couldn’t even hear his voice anymore without getting hard. For Rhys, it was more than just lust, which, okay, there was a whole lot of lust going on. But Rhys was starting to feel something more for the older man. All these feelings combined created a moment of temporary insanity that had caused Rhys to send that text. Yeah, that was totally why.

The cybernetic man felt his breathing hitch as he heard his phone buzz against his bed sheets. The light from the screen lit up the dark area, shining like a little beacon, begging him to read it. Rhys swallowed dryly as his feet willed him across the room towards the device. Timidly, a flesh hand reached out and took hold of the phone tightly. He slid his thumb across the bottom, unlocking it, prepared to read his fate. He wondered if this was what it felt like to be fired via text.

Rhys let out an audible gasp as he read the two word response from his boss. Simple, to the point and exactly what Rhys had hoped for but not at all what he had expected.

“Ruin it.”

And that was how their ‘relationship’ started. The next day when the two got into work, Handsome Jack pulled his PA into his office, tossed him into his large yellow chair and simply said.

“Well, ready to get wrecked, kiddo?”

They carried on this like for the months to come, seeing each other in and outside of work nearly every day. Rhys was completely smitten with Jack and each day he could feel himself falling more and more for the older man. Jack seemed to be quite taken with Rhys as well, but it was always hard to tell with him. They hadn’t exactly gone public with their affair but they certainly weren’t keeping it on the down low either. Everyone who worked in Jack’s private office, including Rhys’ cubicle mate, Meg, knew what was going on between the two. No one really cared though. It was a common thing for Handsome Jack to do. There was a reason after all he had the habit of hiring beautiful looking PA’s, most of which all were happy to sleep with him whenever he wanted. In Rhys’ mind though, they were dating, exclusively. At least, Rhys was anyway.

It was Friday evening, Jack and Rhys’ usual date night and Rhys was waiting around his apartment for Jack to call him to let him know he was downstairs waiting for him. When an hour had passed and he still hadn’t heard anything, Rhys got worried and decided to call him. It took a few tries but Jack finally answered.

“N’hello?” Jack’s voice was a bit louder than usual, like he was shouting into the phone and Rhys could hear a lot of background noise behind him. Was that music?

“Uh, hey. What’s going on, where are you? Are you okay?” Rhys worried over his bottom lip after he asked that, feeling a bit silly for how worried he had sounded. There was a pause on the line before Jack finally spoke again.

“Um, yeah, I’m fine, cupcake. I can’t really talk right now though, it’s really loud in this club and I’m getting shit reception. I’ll call you after this date is over, it’s going horribly anyway, this girl is about as interesting as a road killed skag. Some broad from the R&D department. Talk about instant regret, ha.”

Rhys felt his whole body stiffen at that word. Had he said…he was on a date?

“Wait, what are you talking about? Jack?”

“I’m sorry babe, I can’t hear you. I’ll call you later! Byeeee~”

Click.

The phone dropped from Rhys’ hand and fell down to the couch, Rhys following shortly after it as he collapsed onto it. Jack was on a date with some random woman from work, like it was no big deal and Rhys was just supposed to sit and wait for Jack to call him after he was done.

By the time Jack had tried to ring Rhys, the younger man was fuming. He was angry with Jack, but mostly he was angry with himself for being so stupid. How could he have allowed himself to get so close, to foolishly think he was the only one Handsome Jack was fucking. It made his stomach turn…Jack was his, or so he assumed.

Jack was tapping his fingers across his knee as the phone rang and rang until finally, Rhys had rejected the call. He furrowed his brows as he stared down at the screen but then smiled a bit as his phone buzzed. Rhys was trying to video call him. Excellent, he had wanted to see Rhys all night anyway, so this was the next best thing. When the call finally connected and he saw the younger man appear on his screen, he smiled wide and waved with his free hand.

“Well hello there, good looking. You have no idea how happy I am to see that face of yours.” Jack had opened his mouth to continue on but was quickly shut down.

“Jack, what the actual fuck?” Rhys snapped, his lip quivering a bit as he tried to keep his cool. This had thrown Handsome Jack for a loop and he looked around a few times before shrugging and shaking his head.

“What? Did I call too late or something?” Jack blinked and looked down at his wrist watch. It was nearly three am but he had called much later in the past before, so surely this couldn’t have upset Rhys that much to merit such a response.

“Are you joking? I don’t care about the damn time, I’ve waited up all night just to hear from you. What did that mean earlier when you said you were on a date with someone?!”

“Oh, well, when two people think they may hit it off, they go out to a place and hang out for a while to see if it ends in sex. At least that’s how it works when I date.” Jack chuckled and clicked air against his teeth a few times as he shot a finger gun towards Rhys. Rhys very visibly deflated and Jack watched as he tilted his head back for a few moments, his eyes just boring into the ceiling. It looked like he was trying not to cry.

“You’re seeing other people, Jack?” Rhys finally asked for a few moments, his voice soft and almost fragile. Jack could clearly hear the hurt in the younger mans tone and it made him feel…guilty almost.

“…Are you not seeing other people, Rhys?” Jack forced out a weak chuckle, his whole playful facade slipping away as he realized the gravity of the situation. He rubbed at the back of his neck as he watched Rhys just sit there silently for a moment and shake his head. Finally, he broke the silence, sniffling a little and clearing his throat before speaking.

“No, I haven’t been dating anyone else, Jack, because apparently I’m a fucking idiot,” Rhys laughed out, trying to mask the pain in his voice. “I figured since we were spending all our time together and you were fucking me, that we were in an exclusive relationship but I’m seeing now that I was wrong.” Rhys quickly swiped his flesh fingers under his eyes to catch any tears that might have dared to break free. Jack swallowed dryly as he watched him, his stomach dropping a little. He wasn’t sure what to say or if he should even speak, so he waited.

“Have you been seeing people the whole time you’ve been with me?” Rhys asked quietly, his nose and cheeks flushing a soft shade of red as he continued to try and hold back his tears. Jack let out a deep sigh and pushed his digits through the grey streak at the front of his hair.

“Look, Rhysie, I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you think just you and I were dating…” Jack began, that sentence alone causing Rhys to screw his eyes shut and whimper softly. Jack kept going though, powering through the heartbreaking sounds Rhys was making. “But yes, I have been seeing other people. I’m not really a ‘one person’ type of guy. Come on, kiddo. You had to know that when we first started all this up…Fooling around with me is basically in the job description at Hyperion. I don’t do the whole exclusive thing.”

Jack had had this conversation in the past many times with several men and women who had made the same mistake of thinking they were the only person in Jack’s life in that way. But somehow now, having that same conversation with Rhys made him feel sick. Those words felt wrong aimed at Rhys. He wanted to take them back as soon as he had said it, but it was too late now. It was out there and there was no changing that.

It was uncomfortably silent for a long while and Jack watched as Rhys processed everything and worked it out in his head. When Rhys finally lifted his eyes to meet Jack’s, it caused the older man to flinch and nearly drop his phone. Those usually beautiful and bright heterochromatic eyes of Rhys’ were flooded with tears, the corners on both ends already so puffy and red. It was a look Jack had never intended to put on Rhys’ face, but there it was. He had opened his mouth to speak again, taking in a small breath but no words followed. He wasn’t really sure what to say anymore.

“You’re right,” Rhys sniffled softly and nodded, his lips pressing into a hard line as he tried to calm himself down. “It was my mistake, Jack. It won’t happen again.”

The way Rhys had said it made Jack wince and he drew his brows together as he stared at his phone screen. The kid had stopped crying, his eyes a little glazed over now; hazy. Most of all though, the hurt was as clear as day and it was tearing Jack up inside. What the fuck was up with that? He was Handsome Jack after all, what did this PA expect? If Jack was being honest with himself though, he really did like Rhys and he was enjoying their time together. He had kept seeing randos out of what felt like habit, not want. It felt different with Rhys though. Jack looked forward to seeing him, to being intimate together, to just lay around on Rhys’ couch watching old black and white films and eating pizza.

It was dawning on Jack as they sat there, connected only by screens that he had maybe made a mistake. The more Rhys stared at him, the more Jack felt further and further away from him, like the distance between them was ever growing.

“Rhys, I-”

“It’s over, Jack. I don’t think we should see one another anymore. Sorry for getting confused on where we stood, but I won’t do this- I can’t do this.” Rhys dropped his head as his words just sort of fell off. It was obvious there was more he wanted to say but he couldn’t seem to get it all out. Instead he just smiled weakly at a stunned looking Jack and shrugged.

“Bye, Jack.”

There wasn’t even a chance for Jack to get a word in before the call ended and Jack’s screen went dark. The older man let the phone fall onto his lap and he sat back in his chair, his mouth hanging open slightly. Had he just been broken up with by his goddamn PA? He sat there for several minutes, fuming as Rhys’ words kept playing over and over in his head.

“It’s over…”

Handsome Jack wasn’t the break up-ee, he was the break up-er. This was ludacris, who did this kid think he was talking to and why did it bother Jack so much? He snatched up his phone and tried ringing Rhys’ phone, but there was no answer. He tried a few more times, determined to finish their conversation on his terms, but after the third time of calling, Rhys’ phone went straight to voicemail.

“Son of a bitch…” Jack sighed deeply and chucked his phone across the living room onto a nearby couch. Fine, Rhys could dodge him for now, but come Monday morning, he was going to finish their talk. Rhys couldn’t avoid him forever.

“What?! What the hell do you mean a transfer?”

It was bright and early on Monday morning at Hyperion and Handsome Jack was early for once. He had come in only to be handed paperwork for approval from his other PA, Meg. The young woman winced a little as he barked at her and she calmly tried explaining again.

“Mr. Rhys came in very early this morning and filled out these two forms, sir. One was a request for leave and the other for a transfer to a different department in the facility. Since you are the department head for this floor obviously, you have to approve it…”

Jack was listening as his eyes scanned over the form again and again. There it was, in Rhys’ hand writing, his request to be moved as far away from Jack’s office as possible. He had asked to be moved down to the coding department, which never really saw the light of day as far as the rest of the company was concerned. Basement nerds with bad social skills and in desperate need of a tan.

“How long did he request time off for?” Jack asked without looking up, his hand reaching out for the other piece of paper she had for him.

“One full week, sir. He would return to work at his new position next Monday, if approved.” Meg smiled a little as she placed the paper in his hand. This all seemed very sudden to her and she had her suspicions, but it wasn’t her place to ask and it certainly didn’t seem like Jack wanted to chat about it.

“How long would it take to process his transfer if I signed these today?” Jack was starting to piece together what Rhys had done but he wanted to hear it anyway.

“…It takes about a week, sir. Between paperwork and getting him setup with security clearance for that department.” Her face fell a little as Jack finally figured it out. So he was trying to avoid Jack. He wasn’t even going to give Jack the opportunity to corner him to talk. Jack felt that anger building up inside him again and he began to crumple the papers he had been holding. His hand twitched slightly as he felt the paper slice a thin, long cut along his index finger and he snapped out of his own head after a moment. Fine, if that was how Rhys wanted it, then so be it. Jack would give him what he wanted.

“Hand me a pen, would you, princess?” Jack smiled, reaching his hand out towards his PA and snapped twice. Meg did as she was asked and eagerly gave him her pen, her brows furrowing as she watched him. With just a few strokes of ink, it was done. Jack let out a small sigh before putting on his usual grin and winked up at his PA as he handed her back her pen.

“Thanks babe,” Jack winked, grinning a little as he put his finger against his lips, licking away the small amount of blood that had formed from his cut. “Could you get those sent off right away for me, please?” Jack gently tapped on the top of her desk a few times and smiled wide, earning him an equally wide smile from his lovely PA.

“Right away, sir. Consider it done.”

Jack nodded and turned to walk away, his smiling instantly dropping as he headed back towards his office. He didn’t want anyone to see the hurt on his face.

It was torturous for Jack, waiting to hear something, anything from Rhys. He had tried calling him throughout the week and got the same result each time. Nothing. He didn’t want to just show up at his house, either. Why would he anyway? Rhys had ended it with him and made that very clear. Still, even though he didn’t want to admit it to himself, it was driving Jack insane.

When Friday finally hit and still nothing from his former lover, Jack was angry. Who the fuck did Rhys think he was? No one walks away from Handsome Jack or says they’re done. That was Jack’s job and Rhys was lucky Jack had feeling for him or he’d be out an air lock by now.

Feelings…

“Oh for fucks sake, what is happening right now?” Jack exclaimed loudly as he sat at his desk, thinking over the whole situation, his digits plunging into his hair as he leaned forward onto his elbows. Jack had never caught feelings for any of his conquests in the past, but for some reason he couldn’t shake Rhys from his thoughts. Was it possible he actually cared about Rhys? Like proper, hold hands, go on dates, make love and not just mindlessly fuck, only be with him, care about him? And could that be why he was so bothered by Rhys ending things between them?

“Noooope, nope, nope. Fuck that.” Jack growled out through gritted teeth. He looked around his office, his chest heaving a little as he took short, shallow breaths. He needed something to distract himself, to take his mind off of Rhys, off of how guilty and hurt he felt about this whole stupid fucking situation. If Rhys wanted out of his life and was so willingly to just walk away, okay then. Jack wasn’t going to sit around all mopey and wait for him. His eyes trailed to his office’s front doors and he smirked as he remembered just who was sitting on the other side of them. The perfect distraction. He reached over to the little comms box that sat on his desk and pressed a button on it.

“Meg, pumpkin, could you come in here please? I need you.”

It did not take long for Jack’s intentions with Meg to become clear. The younger woman had grown used to the look Jack would give her during work hours when it meant he wanted her. In the past, she would happily oblige, but now she felt uneasy about it. Jack didn’t seem to notice this however as he threw her against his desk and quickly closed the space between them, his hands roaming all over her body. He was being hasty and rash, not flirting and being coy like he usually would. He truthfully just wanted to bury himself in someone right now and try to forget about Rhys, even if it was only a temporary fix. He was upset and angry and confused all at once and he didn’t like any of it.

“Aaah, s-sir?” Meg stammered out as Jack ran his hands up her thighs, pushing her skirt up and out of his way. She was bracing herself against the desk, really unable to be any other way as Jack’s weight laid against her body.

“What?” Jack asked drly, his hands now making quick work of the buttons on Meg’s blouse, his eyes just sorta staring past her, down at his desk.

“I’m not really sure this is such a good idea, sir…” Her voice was timid and a little nervous sounding, like she was trying to not offend him. Jack didn’t seem to mind though as he gave up on the remaining buttons and just yanked the fabric the rest of the way open. This pulled a cry from Meg and she shuddered as Jack lifted her legs so they were wrapped around his waist. He pulled her in closer, grinding his hips against hers and smiled.

“What’s a matter, princess? Don’t want me anymore?” A reoccurring theme this week, Jack thought to himself.

Meg swallowed dryly and worried over her lower lip as she felt her entire face flush. Her legs were trembling now as she stared up her boss, trying to hold onto what little strength she had to resist him.

“It’s not that, Jack, sir, it’s just I-” She was cut off as Jack lunged forward for her neck, his teeth sinking ever so slightly into the skin and nipping gently at it. Meg tilted her head back as a startled moan escaped her and she relaxed a bit into Jack’s hold. Jack chuckled against her skin before kissing at the little wound he had created.

“Atta girl, that sounds more like the tune I wanted to hear.”

Meg felt herself slipping farther and farther, her lust for him consuming her as he continued his welcomed assaulted on her. She had missed them being like, Jack using her whenever he needed to blow off some steam. He had stopped calling for her once he and Rhys had gotten more involved and-

Rhys!

Meg’s eyes shot up and she sat up quickly, shoving Jack away from her and scrambled to get up from the desk. Jack let out a confused cry as he was pushed and stood there with this hands held open, a frustrated look on his face.

“What the hell, sweetheart? We were just getting to the good part, what are you doing?” Jack tried reaching for her again, but she swiftly moved away, her fingers quickly trying to do her buttons back up. Once that was done, she pulled her skirt back down and attempted to smooth her hair back down.

“What are you doing, Jack?” Meg shook her head slowly, her brows pulling together as she gave Jack an accusing look.

“Well, I thought it was pretty obvious what I was doing, but I’d be happy to make it clearer for you,” Jack laughed awkwardly as he took a few steps closer to her. Meg moved back, a hand clutching her shirt as she began to shake her head more rapidly.

“No Jack, I mean what are you doing? Why are you trying to sleep with me? What about Rhys? Think of how upset he’d be if he found out.” The question made Handsome Jack flinch and he turned away from her briefly and shrugged.

“What about him? He’s ancient history, what do I care?”

Even though she couldn’t see his face, she knew the look on it, just by hearing his voice. Carefully, Meg approached her boss, her hand gently resting on his arm as she pulled him back towards her. Jack resisted at first but eventually turned to face her once again.

“Sir, I don’t know what happened and you don’t have to tell me, but I do know that you do care.” She knew she was touching on a sensitive nerve by the way Jack was clenching his jaw over and over again and glaring down at her, but she kept going anyway. “Look, you know in the past, I’ve always been down with this,” she looked between the two of them and smiled softly. “But sir, ever since Rhys started working for you, things have been different. I see the way you look at him. I know because when you saw him for the first time, you stopped looking at me.” A soft hand reached up and gently cupped at Jack’s face, causing the older man to lean into the touch.

“I don’t even think you realize how much you’ve changed since you started seeing him. I think…” She hesitated and swallowed softly, her thumb rubbing against Jack’s face, “I think you have actual, real feelings for Rhys. And I know he has real feelings for you.”

Jack perked up a bit, a single brow raising up as she said this.

“What makes you say that?”

“Are you kidding?” Meg laughed softly and let her hand fall back to her side, “He doesn’t shut up about you all day. It’s not just a fling with the CEO of Hyperion for him. His feelings are genuine.” She nodded and stepped back from Jack, sighing softly.

“Which is why I will no longer be offering my side services to you, sir. Now, what I need from you is to stop being a dumbass, realize that you actually like this guy and go fix whatever it is you did to make him leave, before it’s too late.”

Jack narrowed his eyes and shot her a look, his arms folding over his chest.

“What makes you think it was my fault?”

“Jack…” Meg said knowingly and rolled her eyes, her head nodding over towards the front office doors. “Just go. And please be honest with him, and yourself for once. You both at least deserve that much.”

He chewed over his PA’s words for a few moments before letting out a deep sigh and nodding. He walked up to her and hugged her quickly.

“I’m sorry about your shirt, go get a new one downstairs and just have them bill it to me.” Jack smiled down at her before planting a soft kiss on the top of her head. “Thank you, Meg,” and with that, he let his PA go and headed for the door.

“Oh and remind me to give you a raise, please.” Jack smirked and winked before slipping out of the door.

“Don’t worry, I will!” Meg called after him. She slumped down into his chair once he was gone and let out a heavy sigh, fanning her face with a paper folder as she tried to get herself calmed down. “Phew, I definitely do not get paid enough for this.”

“What the fuck am I doing?” Jack asked allowed to himself as he stood outside of Rhys’ apartment building. He hadn’t called ahead to let Rhys know he was coming by, not that the kid would have answered anyway. He had made it very clear he was done with Jack and didn’t want to see him. Jack was starting to feel…nervous? A feeling he wasn’t used to having. He paced back and forth for a few minutes, talking himself out of this embarrassing situation at least a dozen times. What if Rhys slammed the door in his face or laughed at him until he was blue in the face? Worst of all, what if Jack spilled his purse all over Rhys and Rhys still ended up rejecting him? He did deserve it, sure, but that didn’t mean Jack wanted it to happen. He took a deep breath and set his sights on Rhys’ apartment, his feet willing him forward even though his head was screaming to run. Handsome Jack did not do well with the whole emotions thing, but for Rhys, he was going to god damn try.

A slightly trembling hand reached up and tapped against Rhys’ front door. Jack waited anxiously, switching his weight from foot to foot and hands fidgeting at his sides until finally the door swung open. Jack let out a soft sigh of relief as he saw Rhys’ shocked face.

“Jack? What…what are you doing here?” Rhys demanded, closing the door just enough so only half of Rhys could be seen. Jack attempted to smile, but it came out so forced, he looked a bit crazy.

“Rhysie…kiddo, I-” Jack was struggling to get out what he wanted to say. Thank god for that fucking mask because Jack was totally flustered beneath it, his cheeks burning red and skin damp with sweat. Rhys rolled his eyes and sighed, moving out of the way of the door so he could fully shut it on Jack.

Oh no, Jack thought to himself and stepped forward, planting a large hand on the door and pushed it back open.

“Rhys, please, wait. Just talk to me, five minutes of your time. That’s all I’m asking and then you can tell me to fuck off if you want. Please, can I just come in?” Jack’s voice was frantic and Rhys could clearly see the desperation on the older man’s eyes. With a begrudging sigh, Rhys nodded and stepped aside so Jack could enter.

“You’ve got five minutes.”

Jack smiled and nodded, rushing inside before he could change his mind. Rhys led them over to his living room couch, a place they had been so many times before, but under happier circumstances. A lot more kissing and less clothing were usually involved. They were both silent for a little while until Jack finally sat up and carefully collected Rhys’ flesh hand into his own.

“Rhys, I’m here to say I’m sorry, which is like, not an easy thing for me, kiddo. This is practically a break through for me.” Jack laughed nervously, his brows lifting as he hesitantly smiled over at Rhys, hoping a little humor would break the tension. Rhys did not look amused one bit.

“Gee, how brave of you to power through this troubling time in your life, Jack.” Rhys’ voice was completely monotone and he had this utterly bored look on his face. He wasn’t really interested in hearing anything Jack had to say. He sighed and shifted in his seat, trying to pull his hand out of Jack’s. “Now, if you’re all finished up-”

“Rhys!” Jack finally snapped, his lips pressing into a hard line as he exhaled through his nostrils. “Listen to me, okay? I get that you’re fucking pissed at me and you have every right to be. I was an asshole who wasn’t thinking about anyone else but himself. I get it.” Jack sighed in frustration, his free hand smoothing back his hair briefly. Rhys watched him with curiosity, his hand relaxing back into Jack’s hand as he spoke. Okay, so may he could hear him out a little more. He liked what he say hearing so far.

“I…I don’t want this to be done,” Jack gestured to the space between the two of them with their joined hands and sighed softly. “I want to be with you, like really be with you. I actually like you, Rhysie.” It was clear, even with his mask on, that Jack was feeling uncomfortable, vulnerable, in that moment. He was never one to speak so openly about these types of things. It was new territory for him. Rhys stared at him for a while, his brows drawing together so the center of his forehead was a little crinkled.

“I know I hurt you, Rhys and I can never take that back, but I don’t want to do that anymore. I just want you,” Jack sounded more confident that time, his lips curling into a soft smile. He gently squeezed at Rhys’ hand and instinctively leaned in a bit closer to him, his body just happy to be near the other man. Rhys swallowed slowly, his eyes welling up the tiniest bit. Could this be for real? Could Handsome Jack really become a one person type of guy? Rhys thought about it for a little while, his face registering all types of different emotions as he did. Jack watched him nervously, biting at his lips as he tried to stay quiet and let Rhys think. Then, Rhys finally looked up at him and spoke.

“There’s gotta be some ground rules, Jack. I like you too, like a whole lot but I can’t share you with anyone else…If you’re mine, then you’re mine. If you start seeing anyone else, I swear to god-” Rhys was getting worked up, like he was releasing all the pain he had been holding on to the past week in one go. Jack closed the distance between him, pulling Rhys into his arms and held him tightly.

“Rhys, listen to what I’m saying,” Jack pulled back from the younger man and gently cupped his hands around Rhys’ face. “You’re overthinking– I’m yours. That’s all I want to be.” Jack flashed the most affectionate smile Rhys had ever seen. The way he was looking at Rhys, it made his whole face flush and he nodded slowly, his eyes fixated on Jack. Jack let out a soft chuckle and leaned back in, tenderly pressing his lips to Rhys’. Rhys’ eyes fluttered closed and he felt himself letting go. He believed Jack and he could tell he truly meant it when he said he was sorry. Plus, Rhys was just a fool for the man. Overcome with emotions, Rhys started to laugh and sob gently against their kiss. The sudden shift alarmed Jack and he pulled back to look at Rhys.

“Hey, hey, are you alright, pumpkin?” Jack asked softly, a hand reaching up to wipe away the tears that were streaming down Rhys’ cheeks. Rhys sniffled a little and smiled wide, letting out a joyous laugh as he practically pounced on to Jack. The younger man hugged Jack tightly and nodded, planting a few soft kisses all over Jack’s face.

“I’m great, now,” Rhys laughed and stared up at Jack for a few moments, his chin gently resting on Jack’s chest. “So are we really doing this then? Just you and me?”

Handsome Jack’s face turned soft and serious all at the same time, his eyes scanning over Rhys’ face as he slowly began to nod. He sat up, pulling Rhys along with him so he was still close to him and very gently ran his digits through Rhys’ thick, chestnut hair.

“Yeah baby, we’re doing this,” Jack whispered before pulling Rhys into another deep kiss. They both started laughing after a few moments, Rhys still crying happy tears off and on and Jack kissing away each one that broke free from his eyes.

“Just you and me.”

i wanna rant about my shitty grandparents (mostly grandfather for now) and how my parents didnt deserve any of this.

a side story of how my parents met: my mom was from China and worked in a cafe (with lodging) for years. she wanted to leave china because the marriage laws werent very good to women, they didnt have a lot of rights, and people can just get married and divorced on a whim, and so a marriage there would make her feel very insecure.

she saw loads of men with fancy motorcycles they probably borrowed flirting with the waitresses and getting them pregnant even though some of those men were married already. she saw loads of waitresses in and out of the job, and so she willed to never give in to the flirtations and worked at the cafe till she was around 26.

my father’s boss was in that area once in a while and frequented that cafe. he noticed my mom who always remained there and was like hey she seemed to be a nice woman and so he introduced her to his son, aka my fathers colleague.

according to my mom, the son was a wishy-washy man who couldnt make up his mind. they went for a few dates and things werent really clicking. my father, however, said ‘i want her’ when he saw her and so the choice was made, they started dating, and she went back to china for the time being. they then maintained a long distance relationship with phone calls, and one year later she came to singapore and got married. 

cute, right?

then the in-laws hell, aka my grandparents begun.

and now my father’s backstory, first:

he was the classic example of the scapegoat i think. out of his siblings (an older brother, a younger brother, and a younger sister), he was the one my grandparents hated the most. ‘hated’ isnt even an exaggeration, apparently hey did tell him explicitly that he was the one they hated the most. A+ parenting yall. when in school, while his siblings get 50cents and 30cents (in order of favouritism), he got 20cents or none. they didnt care about the education of their kids, and so my dad dropped out at P3 (9 years old) and the others all within primary school age. my aunt may have went further though, im not sure.

when he started working at 13, my grandma would wait at the door everytime he got his salary and took all of it away. i dont think he got to keep any of it. she gambled quite often and spent loads of money.

it was from these incredibly unfair xperiences on childhood that my dad swore he would treat and spoil his kids and not show favouritism.

my parents got married years later, and basically everyone in my extended family h a t e d my mom, despite it being entirely non-justified because my mom is a freaking wonderful woman who isnt afraid of hardwork. Because my mom came from china, im presuming that its some mixture of xenophobia and racism that made them say that my mom was only here to mooch off my dad, and treat her like shit, until they didnt as they finally opened their eyes.

over here, all men have to go through compulsory national serivce, and my dad was no exception. after serving the 2 years they have to go back periodically for reservist training. this is the background info for this incident im going to repeat from my mother.

after she got married over here, my dad still had to go for reservist training. they only had a limited amount of time to use the phone after one entire week. my mom called him, talked to him as his wife, before uncle2 (the younger brother) interruppted her and told her to stop using the phone. assuming that he had an emergency,  my mom quickly finished and hung up, my dad losing his rare few minutes to talk to his wife.

then uncle2 didnt use the phone.

god fucking damn it.

an example of unfair treatment: uncle1 had a different wife at that time. while my mom cooked entire meals for the family (they were living with my grandparents and uncle2 and probably aunt at that time) while being pregnant, when it came to be her birthday, my grandma didnt give her a red packet (gift of money). ‘im an old woman who hasnt worked for years, i have no money’.

then when it came to uncle1′s wife, who had never cooked any food and only got takeaways when she visited, she got a big shiny red packet from my grandma.

yeah, what the hell. my mom said she was very upset about this and cried. god, she was surrounded by people who hated her and yet she still worked so hard for them, she genuinely doesnt deserve this.

heres another thing about my grandma: apparently she gambled so often she oftently went to genting to gamble and the money all came from her kids. yeah. .

(my dads a chef, uncle1 is a mechanic, uncle2 is a part timer with no set jobs, and aunt is unknown.)

then i was born. my mom wasnt a citizen, and had to pay a lot of money to stay in the most expensive hospital word. the rare good thing my grandpa did was to fork out $2000 for her to have me. one day, if i can and he isnt dead yet, i will pay him back. ‘thats your coffin money’ i will say. ‘im not obligated to you anymore please leave my life forever’ i want to say.

looking back at the thick stack of photo albums, things appeared to be all happy and fun. people were smiling in the pictures, and i was showered in love and affection from everyone. it is only recently that i came to learn of the shit my parents went through under them.

i was also a lively and boisterous child who had no concept of day and night, it was almost enough to scare my parents into not having my siblings. nonetheless, my sister came into existence.

picture this: my dad looking all frazzled and tired as he took care of a wild toddler at the hospital without sleeping for 3 days straight, and my mom in labour, waiting to give birth. the nurse asked why wasnt anyone there to help out? 

my mom said that was the only time she had ever seen my dad cry. my sister, my mom, and i all teared up as she recounted this.

it was then they swore to move out and not to rely on anyone ever again. the house i am in now is paid entirely by my parents.

my sister was born, and eventually, they moved out before my brother was born.

when they moved out, my grandma shouted at them ‘dont come back! i hope you die!’

at one point, or perhaps distance made the heart grow fonder, my grandparents and uncles started to treat my mom very nicely, realising that they were utterly wrong to judge and treat her that way at the beginning. thats why they treat her so nicely now, my mom explained. it is also the reason why my grandma always brought kuehs and chocolate cake over when she visited, subsequently developing my dislike of chocolate cake and neutrality towards chocolate at best. at this point im pretty sure they all like my mom more than my dad.

my aunt learnt her lesson in the form of receiving discrimination and hatred she once showed to my mom upon being married to a family of university graduates, and her only graduating secondary school. she wasnt as well-educated, and so after sharing my moms pain of being the hated daughter in law she finally learnt empathy and started being nice.

my grandpa too was a convert. he came over everyday to help out with chores and to take care of us. perhaps when we were all young the help was truly needed back then, but then some events made everyone question his motives...

i remember him fetching me from kindergarten every day every time. i wondered why my dad never did, and was happy on the occasions he did. it is only years later that i learnt that my grandpa hogged all those times to fetch us (my siblings and i). he outright refused to let my parents especially my dad to fetch us. on the occasions that my dad came, he threw a tantrum and went home. my dad was visibly upset as he recount this to us. ‘it felt like he was keeping my kids away from me’ he said. he has taken so much from my dad, and now even his kids???? im so upset on his behalf??

it genuinely feels like hes controlling everyone around him.

he is still coming over every single day, and from what i can tell he is incredibly passive aggressive and can never be satisifed with my dad. i dread his arrival.

for example, he refuses to eat anything my dad cooked. my dad, a known chef. once my dad made a noodle dish for dinner, he told my dad oh i cant eat noodles for dinner.

cue him eating the noodles my mom cooked for dinner.

cue him getting noodles for takeaway for dinner.

these days whenever my dad cooks for dinner we just give him money for takeaway.

speaking of leaving that ungrateful old bastard money, he also takes issue with my dad for this somehow. my dad left a note saying that thats his dinner money on the table, and he felt that it was so disrespectful he went to my moms workplace which is near where he lives and complained to her.

meanwhile my mom did the exact same thing and he had zero complaints.

when my dad fell asleep in my brothers room with my brother in it, he walked in and deliberately talked at the top of his lungs about some trivial matter that never came up in the years of living here.

the creepy amount of adoration he shows my mom is also apparent in how he would follow my tired sweaty mom after shes home from work  everywhere to talk and yabber on about irrelevant things. she was obviously busy and wanted to be left alone, but hey that POS never cared about what anyone ever thought or wanted if its in conflict to what he wants. sometimes she had to close the door just to get him to leave her alone, and once he just opened the door and continued talking. my dad was enraged, he said he almost went to start a fight with him, and he would especially if my mom was in the midst of changing at the time.

once my dad brought him to the doctor. ‘so what did they say’ he would ask my dad repeatedly over and over again after seeing the doctor. ‘you are fine, and if anything happens the doctor will inform us to go to the hospital’.

he went to complain to my mom at her workplace that my dad was cursing at him to get in the hospital.

once he was nosey and opened up our mailbox, and when he found some letters addressed to my dad he slammed the pile of letters next to him on the sofa. wtf

god, its like no matter what my dad does he will NEVER be happy.

a while ago he lent his children money, and said oh its not lending hes giving them money with no strings attached, no interest at all. my dad took some for renovation, and this info will come into play later.

and so life continues on with his insistence to tidy and clean my house, with zero regards to anyones wishes. if someone so much as point out that he isnt doing something right, he would exaggerate his actions and ask and repeat.

heres the incident that triggered the Revelations:

my grandpa asked my sister if she still wanted a donut while holding it in his entire hand, as in his entire hand was clutched around the donut. visibly disgusted, my sister said no, she didnt want it. in an act of passive aggressiveness, he placed the donut and only the donut directly in the fridge. not on a plate no nothing.

my mom wrote him a note in response: my daughters are having national examinations soon, and my husband has to wake at 5am to go to work, and he doesnt have enough rest. it would be preferable if you do not make as much noise so they can study and rest properly. i am saying this here, it doesnt matter if you help with the chores or not, it is entirely up to you and we will not blame you if you choose to rest and watch tv instead. you will always have a meal and you dont need to worry about anything else. hope you can understand.

in response, he wrote back: i have read all your words, and there is no need to worry. from november, i will no longer be coming over. i want your husband to return me the renovation money. from: dumb dad (thats what he calls himself in notes)

first of fucking all: wow hes not even acknowledging that my dad is his son. second of all, hes using the money to control my parents and guilt them wtf

this incident got kinda big in the sense that my aunt got involved. my aunt, the golden child, called to stage an intervention.

she called my siblings and i privately, without my parents knowledge. she asked me:

‘are you aware that he has hearing issues and cannot tell that hes being loud?’

‘can you cope with his average noise level?’

‘is he actually disturbing you guys?’

of course i am aware. i am used to it. i am not sure why my mom wrote about the noisy part, could be the fact that he refused to let my dad rest. to which i answered:

‘yes i am aware, no he is not that noisy’

and in a nicer way, i told her ‘frankly the issue is his character, that he is a pos shit i cant stand and after knowing what he did to my parents especially my dad i dont want him in my life at all i dont want him to come over anyways’

‘how much would you say that its mostly his fault that there is conflict or is your dad making a big deal out of nothing?’

i bit my tongue and said its my grandpa 95% of the time. there are one or two occasions that i would say my dad is over reacting.

then she went on and on about how she has to balance both perspective and pick the best outcome, and there are two sides etc etc

what fucking two sides i wanted to ask. my parents literally did nothing wrong. he was the hand that clutched at the donut and squished it.

eventually, she yelled at him and to serious disappointment hes coming over again.

a little interlude about my aunt: she complained to my mom afterwards (im surrounded by snitches) that i am not very respectful about my grandpa, that i am lazy and didnt help around the house often (i tidied and cleaned my room frequently, and if my mom ask me to do chores i would. theres an agreement that i should just concentrate on my studies and she will take care of the chores). i stay in my room all the time and didnt come out when my relatives came over. (listen, theres nothing for me. my cousins are ur typical boys that i cant talk to, they hog the xbox and scream about fifa all the time, im not exactly interested in the adults conversations).

my mom defended me, yall. even my aunt has to concede that im a decent person.

and my mom told me she didnt actually agree with the way shes raising my cousins. they were told to never question my aunt and uncle, and their orders are orders. my parents didnt agree, they believed in reason. for everything they tell us to do, there is a legit reason behind it, and we can question them. my mom want us to do well so that she can prove that shes right all along.

my brother recall asking the cousins why my relatives didnt allow them to do certain things and they just shrugged.

well, thats a bet i am willing to participate in.

back to my grandpa.

my parents reasoning is that as compared to taking revenge and stop contacting him, they rather treat him decently no matter what, knowing deep down they has always did their best.

due to the way healthcare works here, my dad shouldered most of the hospital bill and healthcare when his parents were in the hospital. because #asianvalues, they never did thank him or appreciate him.

either my parents or my aunt said they are scared that if we do anything too drastic like refusing him to come here, he will go senile and demented. as he is now he has a clear enough mind to remain a dickbag to my dad.

well, i wasnt exactly close to him, or as close as he deluded himself to think. i wasnt exactly patient with him, in the sense that i kinda have to raise my voice to communicate with him pretty often. heres the complicated relationship between languages: he speaks mostly teochew, and some chinese. we are expected to understand him when he speaks chinese to get across something, but somehow when i speak my perfectly accurate chinese back at him he understands nothing. he will smile stupidly at me, nodding as if he understood.

you fake old man. you understood nothing. i dont want to bother. i am mean for saying this. i hate your pretenses. quit acting like you understand.the conversations between us are fruitless and useless and has zero point. just now, you saying while im eating dinner that ‘you should give me 50 dollars. look at me, i have nothing. ahahahahaha’

i ignored him, as my cold shoulders got colder.

‘your mother did give me $120, i actually have money. what a good girl’

just, what the fuck is he on about. why are you even asking me for money when you have it. this is the exact type of inane pointless conversations you have. i dont even want to dignify that with a response.

he went to my sister, 3 meters away from me, and said the exact same thing.

my sister: [turning her pockets inside out] i have no money

him, repeating what he said , and adding on ‘you are a good girl, your sister is bad, she didnt want to give me money’ 

what the fuck. hes still talking to us like we are 5. he always treat us like were 5. once i facepalmed and he told me not to do that i will give myself brain damage. i proceed to whack my forehead 4 times, each whack resounding loud and clear.

god, i really dont want to interact with him. theres guilt niggling at me that i shouldnt treat him like this, pretending he doesnt exist as much as possible. then i remember what he did to my dad, and also kinda my mom, and something in me says ‘he doesnt deserve a relationship with his grandchildren for treating his own son like this’.

god, how do i get him to understand that i dont want anything to do with him? that i hate him? i stop calling him ‘grandpa’, only referring to him as that. i dont greet him when he come over anymore.

a few days? weeks? ago he said as he walked out of my room: ‘i still love you the most.’

thats the problem aint it? favouritism. and we all know you favour my brother the most, which i dont mind. i want you to stop doting on me, i want you to pretend i dont exist too. not in the way where you blatantly talk and criticise someone to somebody in front of the person you are criticising. 

when is karma ever coming for you?

nothing but you mattered to you, you dipshit. you never cared about how others may feel. you always did things your own way, you treat people whatever the hell you want to.

i visited you in the hospital after the operation on your balls, you were so happy afterwards you gave me a $50. i still wish i hadnt visited, you disgusting person. i wish i can give you the $50 back, but i think, ill keep it. i will treat it as a woeful attempt to ‘reward’ me for my love and affections. i will keep the money knowing that your love is not returned. cruel of me, but so were you.

i dont think there will ever be a resolution. i wont cry at your funeral, i will try not to. i did for my grandma, but that was before i knew the truth.

my mom told me it is undeniable that my relatives all doted and loved me. i want to reject your love. i want the right to not be loved.

For the past year or so, I’ve been in an on-and-off relationship. It started online and very very quickly became something much deeper than I ever imagined. We never honestly had a “friendship,” we dove almost immediately into a full blown relationship only having known each other two months. We got along really well. I mean, insanely well. We are also very different people with very different lifestyles and goals and world views.  Our proper relationship really only lasted about a month before our big explosive argument in the middle of the night that sent me home in tears, thinking I was never going to see him again. Low and behold, two weeks later, maybe less, we were back to seeing each other, but, we were “taking things slow”. “Starting over”. Nothing changed. For months we continued to hang out and make out and “not be serious” but be, basically, in a relationship.  For a number of reasons I won’t get into now, we had a very turbulent relationship.  No communication skills whatsoever. Both of us have our own very prominent mental issues and pasts that haunt us and make us lash out on one another instead of trying to talk things out. We knew it, though, and most of the time we would have an argument about something and then by the end we were laughing at each other and agreeing that we were both being fucking insane and it, honestly, felt like it made our connection stronger. But, it still felt like we were miles apart on so many things. And we were. We still are. Break up, stay friends, get too close, fight, break up, stay friends, get too close, fight again... it was always the same endless loop. And it made me miserable. That being said, growing up being the middle child in a relatively unstable household and being bullied for this and that, I grew to master the art of hiding my feelings. Burying them. Distracting myself with anything to avoid confronting my problems.  This has carried over into all of my relationships, unsurprisingly creating a lot of problems for me and my partners. Our inability to communicate properly and to level with each other on the real, the gritty, the uncomfortable created and maintained a wedge between us. He also has a daughter and an unstable relationship with her mother - who hates me, simply because I was next after her. That complicated things. I don’t want kids. I don’t want to raise anyone else’s. That’s a huge part of his life that I really ...didn’t want to be a part of. He’s a drunk, too. He’s gotten better, but, it’s such a deeply rooted habit that stems from his upbringing. His politics are on the opposite side of the spectrum as mine. Huge deal to me. His career (or lack thereof) goals were not in any way similar to mine, and frankly I think he felt threatened that I have such high aspirations and very nearly the means to attain them. I say very nearly because the only thing really stopping me from achieving my goals is myself (thanks, depression!). He got a DUI two years ago and hasnt gotten his license back. If we’re going to see each other, it’s up to me to make it happen. Everything always took place on his turf - never mine. I know all his friends. They love me. He doesn’t know any of mine. Never showed any interest in being a part of my life. Only wanted me for himself. Even to present day, he gets hostile at the very mention of me doing something other than hanging out with him. And I know, I know it’s not just that. I know it’s months and months of miscommunication and perhaps broken promises and neglecting issues until they boil over and erupt and cause basically irreparable damage to the both of us.  Also, I’m a gemini and he is a scorpio, so, let’s just consider that as well. Anyway, we broke up again and for the final time in, March, maybe? I cant even quite remember when it was but it was several months ago. We decided to stay friends, because, old habits die hard (or not at all). We did pretty well for a while. It was weird at first but we sort of managed. But simply just erasing the intimate, physical part of a relationship overnight is lets face it, impossible.  So it wasn’t long before we were you know, snuggling and holding hands and sharing quick smooches. We continued on like like - “not together” - for a while. We hadn’t slept together in a long time before the break up anyway. We were, I guess we were friends. We got into the habit of not kissing anymore for a while. We got along pretty well, but would still have our tiffs and our blowouts when he would get drunk and be mean to me and do all kinds of petty things just to piss me off. I guess I should say that he’s also a heavily right-leaning Libertarian facebook troll who likes to argue with people and always thinks he’s right. He’s insensitive to “progressive” ideas. Makes lots and lots of jokes at other peoples’ expense and says a lot of really shitty, racist, sexist, elitist things. Calls Donald Trump “Daddy Trump” and thinks its hilarious to fly a flag with his ugly mug standing on top of a tank with fireworks and American flags in the background. Seriously sometimes just a very heinous person. Not the kind of person I would ever associate with. But I didn’t really know these things about him until it was too late. I had already fallen for the parts of him that fit so perfectly with parts of me. I was never looking for a relationship when I met him. I wish I had never gotten into one with him. Honestly. If we didn’t jump straight into intimacy we could have been great friends I think. I mean, hell, I kissed him the night I met him (I had also had 8-9 Bud heavy’s because I was so nervous and out of my element). I really set the bar. It had been four years since my last relationship ended -- and it did not end well -- and I was honestly excited that I had met someone so similar to me and so interested in me. I was leery of the situation from the get-go and knew, KNEW, that I should tread very carefully and make my intensions known from the start but... lust is a hell of a drug. Lust that turned into love but a very confusing love and a not-certain-if-it-really-is-love-love. To be fair I think all love is relative and no love is alike, in that something that is a deal breaker for one person might not be for another. You can’t define love is all I’m saying. When you love something or someone, it is for your own reasons and not because you checked every box on the “Is It Love?” list. But I digress. What I’m trying to get at is that two nights ago, very nearly exactly 48 hours ago, we were approaching an ice cream stand when suddenly it all came out and it all fell apart. I’d tried to end it with him a few weeks ago because I’m literally exhausted from trying to keep up with the whole ugly thing, but, through tears and compromise we decided (again) to remain friends. Since then, though, I’d been distancing myself (like I said I wanted to in the first place) and he just sort of ...lost it. I guess. I couldn’t handle the pressure of trying to be friends with someone who clearly wants to be more. I’d been fantasizing about finally telling him off and driving off into the distance, free and confident that I was going to get my life back. Now I’ve done that. I’ve cut ties. I blocked him on Twitter, on Facebook, Snapchat, even by phone number. I’d never blocked his number before. Even through all the other bullshit, I’d never blocked him.  He tried to contact me throughout that night but I wasn’t having it. I was excited, I’d finally done it. I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore.  He actually impressed me by sending me an e-mail the next day, something I did not expect. Just begging me to talk to him and to hear him out and that he would “settle for being friends,” “as long as [I] make it clear that that’s all it is”. He had a friend of his text me and ask me if I could just speak with him because he is so devastated. Eventually I did give in and I contacted him and I told him I was sorry things ended up this way, if I could go back and change certain things, I would. But my decision remains. Too many times have I gone back on the promise I made to myself that ‘this is the last time’. I need, for myself, to abstain from having any kind of relationship with him. I would love for us to be friends. I think. But it is not an option at this time. We never had a proper break up. He never got over me. I suppose I got over him, but I never truly made my feelings clear to him. I do understand that I lead him on in a lot of ways, and I don’t feel good about it, but, I think I led him on so much because he had manipulated me to the point where I didn’t think I had a choice. Our whole relationship was just sort of this cause-and-effect mind-fuck that both of our bad habits and inabilities to confront our issues perpetuated. It was all so messy. It was all so ...degrading on a lot of levels. Even though I genuinely cherished his company and the way we could say and do the same things at the same time so often and how even when we were fighting, we managed to make each other laugh. But I guess maybe it was my propensity to over-romanticize that kept me coming back.  I hated how he lived. His bed is as old as I am, it’s not comfortable. He eats steak with his hands sometimes. Only eats carbs. Never cleans up after himself. Wears dirty socks several days in a row. There were always CRUMBS and DIRT in the bed and it would freak me the fuck out to the point where I had to brush off my side of the bed before getting in it and he would strike and attitude with me because he thinks I’m being fussy but in fact I am literally having a hard time breathing because your MESS freaks me out SO MUCH. His CHILD sleeps on a tiny mattress on the floor surrounded by literal garbage and guinea pig feces (because she would kick it all out of the cage and he could never be bothered to change her bedding or sweep the floor). He is always in a bad mood. Something is always pissing him off. Work, family, lack of money, “libtards”, you name it. Something. All the time. And supposedly I was this magical creature that could *cure everything* except that wasn’t the case. He would still be just as miserable with me there than if he was alone or at the bar complaining with other drunks. Nothing you say to him (of any real helpfulness) will change his mind or put him in a better mood. It’s useless. And he’d always apologize after doing or saying something fucked up if he knew he pissed me off. And I’d tell him “you have to stop doing that,” and he’d say he would, but he never did. And we just... we got too close. Everything the other person did was somehow a dig at the other. There was no trust. No real “friendship”. Just a couple of months worth of great memories that were only great because we had no idea how fucked up the other person would end up being. He always says he can change. He’ll do anything just to keep me around. I’m his best friend. He’s driven away all his other friends. But that’s too much for me to carry. I can’t be the sole reason for you to want to be a better person. I can’t be your sun, your moon, and your morphine. I want him to be happy. I want him to have a good relationship with his family and have financial security and have a place of his own and I want him to have a life he can be proud of. Unfortunately I don’t think that I really fit into the equation. Not if this is how we’ve ended up anyway. Having him in my life is not conducive to my goals either. It sucks to say it but he has been holding me back for nearly a year and a half.  He has drained me of my energy and of my confidence and of my desire to rise above the bullshit. He has only furthered my belief that telling people how I feel is only going to get me laughed at or yelled at. He has shown me just how destructive drinking can be. And how crippling to any kind of relationship technology and social media and the internet can be.  He has also taught me that some guys do know where the clit is. And that 24 is one of the greatest shows of all time. And that despite how unhappy I am with myself, nobody else sees me the way I see me. I’ve wanted to text him a dozen times today. Everything reminds me of him. I’ve had to scratch out a few things on my calendar since Monday, which was unexpectedly sad for me. I know that he is miserable. I know that he thinks he can’t live without me. But he has to. Tough love, right? Part of me thinks that we could just not see each other but continue to text but... most of me knows that in order for us both to heal and move on we have to draw a line and stay behind it. I literally didn’t know how to function on my own after my last relationship ended. We spent every day together for two years. We lived together. We went to school together. We did EVERYTHING together. He was all I knew. When that ended I was lost. We tried to stay friends but things were too sour and we soon accepted that we had to step out of each others’ lives for the better. Eventually, I learned how to walk again and I could fill the void with things of my own, experiences, friends, you know. To my knowledge though he is probably in a worse state now than he was then. I don’t want that for him, I never did. But it’s out of my control. In the end, the most important thing is me and my well being and my happiness. If desperately clinging to a friendship that never really quite existed just for the sake of the other person isn’t making me happy... I need to stop doing it. It sucks being sad. It sucks knowing that the things I want to say to him have to go unsaid. That he is at home or at work or wherever miserable and thinking only of ways to get me back into his life. I don’t want to make him more miserable than he already is. But I think that me stepping out of his life is going to eventually give him the push he needs to get his own life back on track. And when that happens, and when I am comfortable in my own skin again, maybe we can reconnect and build a friendship. But right now everything is still too hot to handle. I don’t know how long this hiatus will last. It could be years. But we cannot be friends with this amount of tension and fresh hot emotion between us.  Still I find myself second guessing my decision. Damn my critically high level of empathy. I wish I could just sleep it all away. Wave a wand and make it all better. Go back to last year and tell myself to quit while I was ahead. But alas, I am only human and this is only a blip in my still-young life. Heartbreak sucks and it is every bit as draining and tormenting as it is said to be. But this is not my first and it is surely not my last. Anyway, I feel a little better after putting it all into words outside the realm of my stupid broken brain.  The worst part is that all I want to do is talk to him now. Wish me luck.

Ayyy where's Ienzo at imma go change his phone backgrounds and rearrange/rename his folders as an act of bitch solidarity.

im hoping he hasnt like put 10 whole different security locks on his technology like the goddamn nerd he is

ill show u where he lives tho >:)

📱 for all of them >:^)))

Integra:

- Owns 3 phones, two Samsung galaxy S10s and a Sony Xperia Play

- Replaces his phone yearly, or whenever a new one comes out that piques his interest as long as its not an iphone

- his wallpaper is usually some sort of picture of a car of his, or some sort of vaporwave style background

- contact names are surprisingly short and to the point, always has people in there by their name

- contact pictures however are a different story, usually some sort of candid photo or sneaky shot

bayer:

- his phone language is set to german

- uses default ringtone

- contact pictures who?

- names are short and simple

- owns an iphone because hes a dumbfuck

allegra;

- typical mum stuff, has her kids as her wallpaper 

- uses a phone case with her initial on it

- also uses default ringtone because she sees no pont in changing it

- defintely has passcode lock enabled so people dont see the stuff mark sends her

- has shopping list and everything on her phone

mark:

- one of those old people who owns a state of the art phone but doesnt do jack shit on it except facebook and candy crush

- uses larger than normal text

- signs all his text messages with his name

- still uses voicemail in 2019

- takes nice pictures

lance:

- owns a cracked S6 edge

- on his father’s phone plan

- does literally everything on his phone

- hasnt upgraded because while his father pays for his phone plan, if he wants to upgrade he needs to get a job and pay for that himself

- has a samsung but uses the apple alarm tone

emily:

- has a dual sim phone for work related matters

- has photos that would otherwise raise a lot of questions but are fine because shes a police

- uses emojis a lot

- mainly uses snapchat to message people when it comes to casual matters

- has one of those thick ass protective cases

Noble X — Episode 21: Bundles of Love

By Mike Vinopal

PASSING THE LONG HOURS OF THE NIGHT, John whispers his rants and raves into his smartphone, transcribing cryptic madness dumped into more group text messages, Facebook interactions, and email chains. He had hoped to sleep tonight. He knows things have gotten way out of his control and that he is struggling to reel it back in. John decides he will surrender to Thomas in the morning and ask him to take him to his parents. "After taking Paul to the dentist to have his tooth tended to,” he thinks to himself as he adjusts the blanket and pillow he has used to make his friend more comfortable.

The sun is rising and John finally let’s himself relax. Paul had made it through the night, his sleep postponing his pain for the time-being. John welcomes the birds singing in the first rays of morning light. He takes three of Paul’s cigarette and then for no reason at all, grabs a pair of white jogging pants with a red, gold, and green stripe down the side off the floor. Dropping his jeans, swapping for the jogging pants that are two sizes too small, John looks ridiculous. He scribbles a note to Paul that reads, “Hey, we’re going to go to the dentist at 9 AM. I’ll be back. I swapped you pants,” and tiptoes out.  

Heading down the back stairs, he stops and sits in the stillness of the early-morning, smoking one of the cigarettes without even a touch of drowsiness. With a great exhale John tries to release the tension in his body. He feels like he’s been clenching every one of his back muscles for the entirety of the long night. 

Rolling out the cherry of the cigarette and adding the butt to the random collection in his coat pocket, he shambles home. 

Across town at the same time, Thomas snaps awake with a shitty feeling in the pit of his stomach beyond worry. Very true fear that something terrible has happened to his brother has woken Thomas with a start. He quickly throws clothes on, grabbing his coat and keys on the way out to head back over to John’s apartment. He knows there’s no other way to make this feeling go away. 

✶

JOHN RETURNS HOME TO FIND HIS DOOR UNLOCKED and the remnants of an incredibly memorable party. The remaining shred of his rational brain chattered in the background as he was flooded with the wild, wonderful memories of the night, “What is the landlord gonna say? She might kick me out.”

Feeling inspired to tidy up, John begins to construct bundles of love, filling random containers of all sorts, cups, buckets, boxes, with collections of blatant disorganization, all bundled together with a elaborate crisscross of scotch tape. An invisible plus. A handful of puzzle pieces, crayons, bottle caps, assorted items picked up at random as he buzzed around his apartment, bound together, as if to cement his disassociation in a tangible form.

John perceives the bundles as shining brilliance pouring out of him. Enlightenment. Something to share with the world to heal the collective sickness. He is so impressed with his idea that he calls his school, who hasn’t heard from him in days. 

The school secretary, Ms. Carlin, answers. Quickly realizing who is calling, she blurts, “Mr. Noble, are you okay?” Principal Hall has her door open, meeting with a couple of teachers and they all hear Ms. Carlin’s concerned voice, going silent. John triumphantly announces to her, “I’m better than okay, haven’t slept for days, but I’ve created some very special things that are going to change education as we know it. No more Common Core. I’ve created Uncommon Core. I'll be stopping in today with some surprises.” Part of him truly intends to, but the part of him still aware of consequence would win out in the end.

At the end of his statement, he ends the call abruptly and gets back to work on his bundles of love while Ms. Carlin and the others sit in the thick quiet before a school day begins, trying to shake their nasty intuitions that something is not at all right with Mr. Noble. None of them can find their words and the moment passes. Later, finding their words, the rumors would begin as his co-workers struggled for answers.

✶

JOHN STICKS TO THE BUILDING FOR A WHILE, but he no longer can stay on one thing for very long. As he quickly tangents to cleaning the dishes with incredible intensity, he thinks, “I’m a Tangential Man,” picturing a tan gentleman in his mind’s eye, laughing out loud. Fully aware of this behavior and its implications, he’s written “tangential behavior" in the notes for his study with increasing frequency as the days have passed. In the course of his flurry of thoughts, suds, and hot water, John slips and cuts his softened hand, pruney from washing. Quickly he grabs his first aid kit from the cabinet above the stove and dresses the cut. 

Looking at the supplies set out before him, he proceeds to grab a vest from his closet, filling the utility pockets with assorted medical supplies, imagining the pocketed-vest to be a moving storage center, a file cabinet for organization on his person. Standing in tight-fitting white jogging pants, a vest bulging with supplies and a gauze-wrapped finger starting to spot red, he hears his phone start to buzz on the counter. More buzzing. 

Concerned text messages and emails are starting to come in. Responses from John's activity throughout the night. His mom. His dad. His uncle. Now his mom is calling. John ignores the call, immediately feeling guilty. “The jig is up,” he thinks playfully, as the phone starts to ring again. Now his dad is calling. Again he ignores the call. Sensing their fear and worry, he yearns to FaceTime his dad, doing so immediately.

John’s dad has never FaceTimed, so is unsure what is happening when his phone starts to beep loudly at him, ringing in a way he has never heard. He is working from his home office and just got off the phone with his wife, trying to keep her calm though he is beginning to panic himself. He answers the incoming FaceTime call from his phone, blurting, “What the hell is going on, John?!” as the image of his son comes up on his phone. It barely resembles his son. “What are you on?” John doesn’t seem upset by this. He’s elated to see his dad despite the revolting feeling of guilt rising in him as he studies his dad’s reaction to seeing him in his current state. “Dad, where are you at? I wanna come see you like right now,” John says, sounding almost like a child. And like they’re having a regular chat he adds, “Oh Mom’s trying to call again, should I answer?” His dad, exasperated, manages to get out, “Where are you? I’m coming to get you,” and just then, John hears the front door burst open.

Thomas arrives to see the results of John’s “clean-up" efforts, having thrown the apartment into even more disarray. Thomas hears a commotion coming from the back of the apartment and allows himself to feel partially relieved. He’s not too late.

Stay tuned for Episode 22.

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Links to previous episodes:

Noble X — Episode 1: Cowardice & Heartbreak

Noble X — Episode 2: New Month's Eve

Noble X — Episode 3: Racing

Noble X — Episode 4: Redlining

Noble X — Episode 5: Tracks

Noble X — Episode 6: Filters Off 

Noble X — Episode 7: Testing 

Noble X — Episode 8: More Trials

Noble X — Episode 9: Mind Games

Noble X — Episode 10: Captains

Noble X — Episode 11: Internet Famous

Noble X — Episode 12: Evidence Mounts

Noble X — Episode 13: Suits & Supplies

Noble X — Episode 14: Reflections

Noble X — Episode 15: Dress Rehearsal

Noble X — Episode 16: Hazards

Noble X — Episode 17: Brothers

Noble X — Episode 18: Opening Ceremonies

Noble X — Episode 19: The Guest of Honor

Noble X — Episode 20: Contemplating Surrender