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#and have hsd no luck

thebibliosphere · 1 year

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Been quietly rereading your posts about subluxation of joints and I'm pretty sure that's what my hip keeps doing and why I have several weeks of not being able to walk. I know I'm hypermobile but I never thought about EDS until now (my partner has it bad, and I feel like I'm appropriating for even considering that I might have it) but usually subluxation and hypermobility are signs aren't they?

They can be yes— and just because someone else has it bad, doesn’t mean you need to suffer more to have your problems acknowledged.

Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder and EDS are just that, spectrum disorders.

Some of us might be constantly dislocating joints while someone else might be so stiff from protective muscle splinting (common in hEDS and HSD) that they rarely dislocate anything but their pain is still significant because of the toll it takes on the body.

Others might have stretchy skin (I don’t) while someone else might have problems with their internal organs instead (I do.) Some develop mast cell instability, while others remain totally fine in that regard.

The fact that you cannot walk for several weeks at a time is not mild. That is actually a severe problem. No able bodied person would put up with that and think “oh but X has it worse so I don’t want to appropriate their disability from them.”

They’d be in the ER screaming about suddenly not being able to walk.

The good news is that targeted physical therapy that focuses on joint stability really can help. I know far too many doctors who don’t see the point in diagnosis because there’s no cure, but you can improve your quality of life with PT and pain management.

Good luck. I wish you well.

#chronic health tag #HSD #hEDS #ehlers danlos syndrome

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squarebracket-trickster · 2 months

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Speaking of... anyone know of any resources for writing hypermobile (incl. HSD, EDS) characters?

I'm looking to create a guide of my own but I want to see what others have already said, provide external resources etc. Tragically, I haven't had a lot of luck coming across things.

#hsd #hypermobility #hypermobile spectrum disorder #ehlers danlos syndrome #heds #square rambles about hypermobility once again

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sonofthesaiyans · 3 months

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I'm sure I'm in the minority on this.....

But with everything we now know about Eren after the manga and anime finales, primarily the fact that he engineered Carla's death to further his own ends, I think that makes Attack on Titan infinitely more unwatchable with that knowledge in mind.

The whole thing has been built on Eren avenging his mother and his people by wiping out the Titans. To know everything in the series was all something beholden to his design including the explicit revelation that Bertolt only survived the fall of Shiganshina because Eren decided it wasn't his time to die.....it's an infinitely more damaging revelation than his pathetic confession of his feelings for Mikasa.

"Sasha and Hange died because of me...." Right, so apparently any deviance in the time loop that might've guaranteed their survival was a roadblock to his plans even after he hsd fully committed himself yobtbe Rumbling, his plan was really that precise and to the letter? What if Connie and Jean died or what if Marco lived, like the implications here are utterly baffling and repulsive. Guy who was so dead set on saving his friends couldn't make room for those girls huh? I call bullshit.

So thoroughly turning Eren's motivation inside out like this is a decision not enough people are picking apart, not enough people are really looking at the logistics of any of this or considering how much you gotta suspend disbelief in order for this to make any sense.

And I was at Awesome Con just a week ago, Bryce Papenbrook was right there a hundred feet away. I just missed my chance to get his two cents on this. I can only hope for better luck next time.

Sadly though I don't think I can look at the first three seasons again because of how thoroughly tainted they now are because of the final season.....I would have preferred Eren was a straightforward villain from the start because this is truly Isayama's greatest betrayal. (Second in my book, right after you know what....)

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adhd-attention-deficit-dumbass · 1 year

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Hi! Hello! I’m so sorry if I’m bothering you. I see a lot of adhd symptom lists and things, but I was wondering if you knew any symptoms that a person would HAVE to have in order to qualify for an adhd diagnosis? Saying the question that way kind of makes it sound like I’m trying to lie to get a diagnosis, I’m not I promise. I’m just in line to get an Adhd evaluation, but if there’s a way I can determine for certain if I don’t have it (Emphasis on “don’t”, I’m not looking for a confirmation that I have it. I’m trying to find any disqualifiers so I can determine if I should even bother going to the evaluation.) without doing the evaluation that‘d be really helpful! I know not wanting to do an adhd evaluation sounds super dumb, but the thing is my doctors already hate me for getting an evaluation in the first place and if the person evaluating me is like “No, you obviously don’t have adhd” I’ll literally never hear the end of it! I cannot emphasize enough how much my doctors hate hate HATE that I’m getting an adhd evaluation, they tried everything they could stop me without actually evaluating me, to insulting me to lying to me about “not being able to be diagnosed with adhd after a person turns 7???”

I’m so sorry this ask is so long.

(Apologies for answering this like a year later I hope You’re doing ok)

You’re not a bother at all, the asks are open for a reason❤️ Thank you for your question.

The thing about ADHD is that it’s a diagnosis determined by a bunch of observations made and many doctors (including mine) are more and more leaning towards an understanding of ADHD as more of a spectrum disorder much like Autism.

That said, I know how nerve-wracking it is pre/during evaluation and I just want you to know that whether or not you have ADHD does not invalidate your experiences and struggles. Of course since I know how annoying it is to ask something and recieve an answer that doesn’t adress your question here’s my two cents. (am I using that correctly? Native speakers let me know)

Symtoms of ADHD can often seem relatable because they are. Everyone struggles with these things sometimes because we all have brains. This makes a diagnosis complex.

The thing about ADHD is that these things happen so frequently and in such a severe way that they disrupt our everyday life.

I am chronically depressed, exhausted and riddled with anxiety, in part because ADHD causes a lot of stress in my life

Assignments are always late. I am always late even when I try my damned hardest not to be. I struggle with routines because I have memory issues.

Eating, brushing my teeth and showering regularily doesn’t feel like routine even if I do it daily. It always feels new and requires a lot of effort.

My emotions are all over the place, to the point where my partner doesn’t know what to expect and it causes him anxiety and stress when I fail to regulate them

I ”blow up” easily over little things and I can cry for hours. And I mean hours, full on ugly crying, sobbing, shaking for hours without even feeling ”done”

More scientificly; tests show that although I have an above average intelligence (or whatever you wanna call it) I underperform severly in areas involving numbers and remembering patters which indicate I have a a deficient working memory

I also have several comorbidites which are common with ADHD such as a connective tissue disorder known as Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder, (HSD) as well as chronic insomnia, extreme fatigue and as mentioned depression and anxiety. These are not required for a diagnosis but makes it more plausible.

I hope this was helpful in some way, I wish you good luck with your evaluation and general life. Remember your struggles are valid with or without a diagnosis.

❤️Peace out ✌🏻

#adhd blog #adhd #adhdblr #adhd post #adhd asks #answered asks #answering anons #sorry i’m really bad at answering asks #sorry for taking so long

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hummingbird-games · 4 months

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Stressed out over life things and unsure when I’ll post the next Dev Diaries so here’s a

✨Mobile Update ✨

- Production on The Knight Dance is happening!! A build has been made and currently awaits the art and music 😙

- TKD will have voice acting!! I have a session with one of the VAs tonight!! Yes I’m anxious, don’t look at me like that. That’s my secret, I’m always—*explosion*

- Things are being posted to Ko-Fi. That’s…probably the best way to get any HSD updates and tidbits for the time being. My Q1 timeline for things rn is very wonky and I hope to un-wonk it soon.

- I am on the hunt for grants and scholarships and tings!!! Would really like to start not reaching so deep into my own pockets so wish me luck 😂 no dice yet but it’s only February. Soooo.

#gamedev #updates and rambles #the weirdness has seeped into this month omg #mom come pick me up i'm scared #the knight dance #ko fi promo (affectionate)

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intersex-support · 1 year

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Hi,

I'm a trans woman wondering if I'm intersex, and wanted some advice on what I should look into.

I currently don't know what my hormone levels were before starting HRT, but during it my T levels were always below 0.4 nmol/L (11.5 ng/dL) and I was set on a very low dose of anti androgens (which i probably didnt even need, in hindsight). My estrogen levels have also been on the low side, so the low T is not due to high estrogen. I'm currently post bottom surgery, and my T levels are so low I'm being recommended to start on a small amount of T in addition to the E I take.

My first puberty (the testosteron driven one), started around 13-14yr, and I was shorten than other boys. I'm suspecting I might have had a micropenis, although it's difficult to know / remember as I am post op. It also caused a problem during surgery, as there was not enough tissue for penile inversion. The genitals were not otherwise ambiguous.

I am short (5' 5") and have normal body proportions, so I don't think I have Klinefelter Syndrom.

Are there any test you can recommend? Also, do you know which other conditions causes low T levels?

Thank you in advance!

Hi anon!

There's definitely quite a few intersex variations associated with traits like low testosterone and micropenis.

I'd honestly say it's still worth looking into Klinefelter's Syndrome-not everyone with Klinefelter's ends up having the associated height symptoms, and that's one of the most common intersex variations associated with low testosterone. If you had any other symptoms like developing breast tissue before you want on estrogen, undescended testes, things like osteoporosis, or flat feet, I would definitely recommend still looking into that. In order to get diagnosed with Klinefelters, you would need to get karyotyping done where they analyze your chromosomes and figure out if you have XXY chromosomes.

Another intersex variation that can cause low testosterone is Leydig cell hypoplasia (LCH). Leydig cells are cells in the testes and with LCH, they secrete lower levels of testosterone. Micropenis and hypospadias are associated with LCH. Depending on the severity, people with LCH might go through some aspects of a testosterone based puberty but might not have their voice drop, grow as much body hair, or facial hair. From what you've shared, it seems more likely you would have Type 2 LCH rather than Type 1, since you did go through a testosterone based puberty. It looks like the testing for that would require an hCG stim test and then a confirmation of the diagnosis through biopsy of the leydig cells, so you might want to rule out other diagnoses before trying to get tested for LCH.

It might be worth looking into 5-alpha reductase deficiency and 17-beta HSD, which are both intersex variations where your body does not have one of the enzymes necessary to synthesize testosterone, but those variations don't seem quite as relevant to your experiences, since you have low levels of testosterone and didn't have excess levels of estrogen.

There are a few more possible intersex variations that could cause low testosterone, but they're a lot rarer and I think it would probably make more sense to look into these variations first. The next step would probably involve getting some blood tests to check your chromosomes and other hormones, and it might be helpful to try to get a referral to an endocrinologist. Definitely feel free to reach out if you have any other questions, and wishing you the best of luck in this journey!

#asks #intersex #klinefelters syndrome #leydig cell hypoplasia #5 ard #17 hsd #questioning intersex

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radley-writes · 1 year

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Hello there I hope you are well. I might have EDS but also think it might all be my head. I want to try and seek a diagnosis but I want to be sure first. Do you have any advice? Thank you and please no pressure to answer if it is a stressful question.

First off: I have so much empathy. You're exactly where I was at this time last year - aka, in my 'constantly annoying family/friends by asking "Hey is this thing I've been doing my entire life abnormal, actually?"' phase.

By this point, I have been professionally diagnosed. I also have a close friend who thought she had EDS but wound up being diagnosed with HSD, which affects fewer parts of your body. She has received pretty much the same amount of help that I have - so even if it turns out that you don't have EDS, there's still a good chance of accessing care!

...I also, sadly, know multiple people who have been treated abysmally while seeking a diagnosis and have received no help whatsoever. So much depends on which health professionals you speak to.

Whether or not you receive a diagnosis at the end of the day, remember that your struggles are real and are valid, and that you deserve support. I truly hope that you find it, and my inbox is always open should you wish to chat. x

Second off: check out this link for the official diagnostic checklist.

[more under cut...]

Remember to think carefully about skin & internal organ issues, as well as just the Beighton criteria.

I hit a 9 on the Beighton scale when I was diagnosed (full marks, yay!) even though most days I'm a 7. However, a surprising amount of people - I think as much as 25%? - meet the official criteria for 'generalised joint hypermobility'. It's really not that uncommon, and in the vast vast vast amount of cases, it's either unsymptomatic or only causes minor problems with sprains and pain.

However, most people do not regularly dislocate or subluxate joints (This can look different to what you expect! I only recently realised that 'numerous joints get stuck at painful and unnatural-looking angles, so I have to very gently manouevere them until the bone clunks back into place' is actually not an experience everyone has, lol.)

Most people do not have recurring hernias or prolapses.

Most people do not have difficulty walking or climbing stairs because of recurrant sprains and dislocations of the ankles/knees/hips.

Most people do not struggle to swallow, randomly spurt solid food out of their nose, or have frequent accidental vomiting episodes.

Most people do not have all of the following: hyperextensible skin that bruises like a peach, and arms that are significantly longer than they are tall, and arachnodactyly, and fat that herniates through the skin of their heels, and a high arched palette, and a ridiculous amount of stretchmarks that have been there since pre-puberty.

Most people do not regularly faint for no obvious reason.

Most people are not in constant pain.

I have all of the above signs for EDS. It took me years to recognise that these were all connected to a single disorder, and weren't just 'in my head'. So I'm not going to give you some bullshit about 'well, if you had EDS, you would know about it'.

I would encourage you to go to the doctor and pursue a diagnosis if all of this is sounding in any way familiar - or even if not, but you'd still like the assurance! There is no shame in wanting to just talk your experiences over with a health professional and see what they think. And I truly hope that they listen.

Best of luck on your journey, nonnie.

#eds #heds #chronic illness #disability #radley rambles

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atelier-aria · 2 years

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So here’s a Status Update I wanted to share: It’s in regards to my general health. I’m not very confident at writing posts like this but I thought I should let everyone know as this does directly impact what I do so - more under the cut if you’re interested ^^/

After 8yrs+ of investigation, I recently got a tentative diagnosis of Hypermobility Syndrome (it has a lot of names: HSD hypermobility spectrum disorder/ JHS joint hypermobility syndrome/ symptomatic hypermobility - the diagnostic criteria was updated in 2017 and there’s still ongoing research) and long story short it’s a connective tissue disorder/ligament laxity issue that makes my joints more unstable than usual, or makes my joints sit further outside the socket than normal.

It used to be commonly known as double-jointedness and yes - I can contort a lot of my joints in all sorts of overextensive twists that normal joints shouldn’t. I can twist my elbows outwards to where it looks broken (which was always a fun trick at school lol), and the consultant testing me turned my wrists nearly a full rotation - which was bizarre to watch, because I really felt nothing as he did it.

Unfortunately, party tricks aside, it means I’ve been struggling with chronic fatigue and chronic pain in nearly all my joints for over a decade. Without any significant injury or trauma I suffer frequent muscles aches, strains and sprains, flares of bursitis and tendonitis in various parts, and the joints in my hips and back leave me in constant states of discomfort and pain and unable to do things like standing, walking, or sitting for very long. It profoundly affects my mobility and energy levels and normal everyday tasks can be a trial sometimes.

There’s also a whole host of associated problems with symptomatic Hypermobility that often arise (digestive troubles, dental/visual problems, anxiety etc), as well as the dizziness and pre-syncope I get from standing or moving too fast. It’s been a lot to process but I suspect it’s been 90% responsible for most of my ailments and troubles throughout my life - which is...a lot to think about.

I suspect though for those who have been long term commissioners or known me a long time, this probably isn’t super surprising because my energy levels have always been a bit all over the place, or I’m often sharing status updates about some new injury. Either I’m turning a commission around in 3-5 business days, or it’s taking months and it’s pretty much down to the same issue that my energy levels aren’t consistent, and I often get very bad days/weeks/months where I can’t do a lot because of discomfort. x’D

Ultimately what I just want to say is...

Thank you to everyone now and in the past who’s been so patient and understanding with me. This isn’t something that can be ‘fixed’ and because it’s literally how my body is - down to a genetic level - I’m never going to ‘get better’. I’m still on a diagnostic journey as I’ll have to rule out underlying conditions in the connective tissue disorder spectrum (like hEDS) but now I have an understanding of my tentative diagnosis there are specialist ways I can get help to manage the syndrome for which I’ve already started the referral process (wish me luck!).

Until then I’ll try my best to practice fatigue management and pacing, and build an appropriate schedule where I can balance work and rest in a more consistent way. Being able to do commissions and work on art-related projects means a lot to me since I can set my own hours and work around my condition doing something I really enjoy. So, thank you everyone for being so patient and understanding (and for reading this far lol)! I’ll try my best to get stronger. ^^9

#health update #hypermobility spectrum disorder

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twopoppies · 3 years

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I’ve never hated Jeff or thought he’s to blame for all of Harry’s shit. They obviously are quite good friends and he cares about Harry’s interests. The thing I’ve never really understood and I’m a bit new so maybe that’s the problem, is why a lot of solo Harry fans are like fans of his or super obsessed with him. Like I’ve seen them saying like oh Jeff is bae or I love Jeff so much. Or how hsdaily gives him a birthday message but no one else who works with Harry. Just wondering ok if you don’t have an answer💚

Hi sugar. I don’t have an answer except to say that those people are ass kissers and ridiculous. HSD thinks Jeff is their pal and when they were deleted, claims that Jeff helped her their account back. 🙄

Mostly, I think people do it in the hopes that it will get Harry to notice than which... good luck.

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1ddiscourseoftheday · 5 years

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Fri last and final odd numbered day of Nov

Official DiscourseoftheEroday Special Bulletin

Much activity in the archipelago today and it looks like quite a lot more to come so let's get this down real quick shall we? A burner twitter following only Harry and 7 Harry UAs (but not HSD lol) was made, sent a video of a cinema screen showing a clip of Harry in Eroda to a random account, claiming it had been shown in the cinema of a tiny Scottish Eroda-like town of Kinlochbervie, then shut down. The Kinlochbervie cinema is a theater in a truck that drives to remote towns for screenings and seems to have partnered with HSHQ for this fuckery to show the trailer, getting on board to retweet the Eroda cinema schedule.

The video shows Harry (or as Erodans call him, 'him,' possibly because you want to be careful who you tell your name to in Eroda) screaming into a jar and sealing it and donning an old fashioned diving helmet. The jar is similar to those seen in other Eroda pictures, it looks like many screams have been bottled up and stored. The voiceover is fragmented but includes "...did his very best to ignore it, hoping it would go away... and eventually, so did the boy..." The music is said by those who have heard it to sound like Adore You.

Within minutes of the clip circulating Eroda tweeted an Erodan Cinema schedule, telling us we could expect screenings at 17:30 and 20:30: these times match those of Kinlochbervie showtimes.

Meanwhile, the dudes who have been scratching their heads all week and telling fans they were deluded even though it was proved day one... "Wait so... You guys I think this might have something to do with Harry Styles???"

Anyway between Eroda telling us this morning to "stay tuned for updates," the huge amount of material at about exactly five Eastern, and the cinema schedule, it seems real plausible to me that we're gonna get more soon that will totally overshadow all this (and even if we don't no damn way I can fit this in the reg dispatch) so here's this now. See ya later island side, wish me luck migrating...

#also HSD finally retweeting Eroda like. maybe they Know something is coming. but TBH i think they've been totally out of the loop on this #and haven't acknowledged til now even though it's been known cause they didn't want to look foolish #alas they always look foolish and trying to pretend Harry is straight is a more foolish look with every passing day #this Eroda material is looking QUEER AS FUCK and that's a fact lads #identity and repression anyone?#and in things that i don't have time for but... listen just. papillon. okay?#THINGS I'VE LEFT OUT AFTER PROBABLY LEFT OUT BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT CANON #there's a lot of fake Eroda content out there!!!#beware #room key girl: probably fake #the horror trailer: fake #the voicemails: fake #the second Twitter: probably fake #game tour: not Harry!#hijackers

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thebibliosphere · 2 years

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I'm starting to wonder if I have some degree of mild to moderate MCAS to go with the POTS and maybe-HSD. (I want to get another tattoo but since my last one I've developed severe dermatographia, so I researched mast cell dysfunction and was like ...okay a LOT of these symptoms sound familiar. Thankfully not anaphylaxis, though.) Unfortunately due to medical trauma & ignorant doctors, will probably end up self-managing. Do you or any of your followers know why first-generation antihistamines (ex: benadryl) seem to be the drug of choice for MCADs rather than second-generation (loratidine, cetirizine, etc)? To my knowledge they both target H1 receptors with a similar mechanism of action, but second-generation have fewer side effects because of greater selectivity. Benadryl makes me very drowsy and I already have enough problems with fatigue so I'd like to avoid it if possible. And if so, is there research on dosing for MCAS? I've searched Pubmed but no luck so far.

Hey friend, sorry to hear you're dealing with that.

And first-generation antihistamines are not the drug of choice for MCAS/D! I don't know where you read that, but it's wrong.

Benadryl is for emergency use only and is good to have on hand for severe reactions but should not be the primary form of symptom management. The first line of treatment for MCAS are type 1 and type 2 histamine blockers, such as cetirizine and famotidine, or Zyrtec and Pepcid if you want to use their otc brand names.

Patients usually find a combination of these two things helpful as it targets both the respiratory system and the esophagus/gut, which has a high concentration level of histamine receptors.

We also often take anywhere from 2-4x the daily recommended dose. However, I will stress that you really need to talk to a doctor before doing so, as it is possible to overdose on antihistamines, and you need to figure out the lowest dose that will provide symptom relief. I started out taking 4x the daily recommended amount and am now down to the daily recommended dose for "normal" people as I've gone into a sort of mini-remission that I'm able to manage with diet and lifestyle, though I always have my meds on hand if necessary.

After that, other drugs can be prescribed, ranging from steroids to prescription-strength supplements.

For example, Vitamin D deficiency has been linked to worsening allergies (link) and will actually make mast cells prone to destabilizing, so it is vital if you have any sort of Vitamin D deficiency to get on top of it and get your numbers to the top of the healthy range if possible.

In fact, any sort of deficiency that puts strain on your body can potentially lead to mast cells going a bit wonky (link-- a study done on rats, but it also seems to be backed up anecdotally in humans as well), so it's v. essential to make sure you're getting enough micronutrients, which a lot of people with conditions like MCAS/connective tissue disorders like HSD/EDS tend to be low on because our bodies don't quite work right. We also tend to have dietary restrictions, which doesn't help.

Another supplement that some people have found helpful is quercetin, which has been shown to help suppress allergic response (link). Some folks find Vitamin C useful, while others find it triggering as citrus can be a histamine liberator.

This brings us to lifestyle and dietary changes.

Many people with MCAS struggle with high histamine foods and find a low histamine diet helpful. The Swiss Interest Group for Histamine Intolerance provides the most comprehensive breakdown of high and low histamine foods to date. Going through all their links and downloads is well worth reading. They provide info on the histamine elimination diet (link), what foods are and are not histamine safe (link), and a helpful rundown of what medications may cause issues, though you need a login to view it.

They also have a new website for people with MCAS/D (link), which provides more helpful information beyond basic histamine intolerance.

Other factors you may need to look at include hormonal shifts (estrogen liberates histamine, so if you're someone who menstruates, you may find yourself more reactive before or during your menstrual cycle), reducing stress, and working through any trauma.

My MCAS is severe enough that a prolonged stress response or a traumatic event can send me into anaphylaxis. When you have any form of MCAD, stress is basically the hormonal equivalent of dumping a Molotov cocktail onto a housefire. Getting treatment for my c-PTSD is an ongoing process, but one I've found helpful in calming down my body's flight/fight/freeze response, which in turn helps my body relearn when and when is not an appropriate time to liberate certain chemicals that can lead to a mast cell degranulation event. I've found EMDR more helpful than CBT, as CBT left me triggered and often in a heightened state of panic afterward, but your mileage may vary.

Anyway, that is a very basic 101 introduction. I know you didn't ask for all this, but I figure it might be helpful! Good luck, and please do consider trying to find a doctor able to prescribe certain things if you need them. I know the medical trauma is hard, it's a huge root cause of my own c-PTSD, but if you're able to find a health care provider to help you with this, it'll be much, much more manageable.

Best of luck.

#chronic health tag #mcas #long post

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yessoupy · 4 years

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I completely agree with you re Stormzy! Bothers me a lot. But I think the reverse, treating them so differently, of calling grown white man babie adds to the problem. Personally, the jump from that to making excuses is too short (not pertaining to H specifically but generally) and we have enough men not taking responsibility for their actions. Maybe I'm exaggerating, it's just a sensitive topic for me. I can deal with it reasonably well but people @ing and responding directly makes me cringe 🙈

I wholeheartedly agree that the jump from babie to making excuses is too short for many people. If someone isn't willing to investigate their impulses when it comes to that language and their reactions, they shouldn't be using it. (Of course, good luck getting that to stop... since they won't consider it an issue....)

I keep thinking about the letters to Harry re: Palestine that were being collected by HSD and how wrong-headed that was. That was a group of (young) fans mistakenly thinking THAT was an appropriate way to hold Harry accountable for... actions from 2014? And yet an actually problematic thing Harry did was perform for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show and that same group registered no complaint.

What's our role, really? As a group, to recognize why performing at the VSFS was a poor choice for him. Is it to send him a petition about it? No. He's not our fandom. If Harry were to continue to make disappointing choices like that, finding excuses for that choice would be the wrong thing. Stepping back from being a fan of his would be the right thing. But that all depends upon what your personal line is, and how much you've invested in him. For some people, that one show could have pushed them to stop being a fan. That's fine. Also fine is still being a fan while recognizing it was a misstep. NOT fine is denying it was a misstep because you must protect Harry from culpability for anything. DEFINITELY not fine is blaming his manager for MAKING him perform at VSFS because you don't know how to deal with his actions.

#fandom racism #fandom responsibility #that got long but I think I finally articulated that!!#phew

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pbandjesse · 5 years

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Today was a really nice day off. But like. I wish I had more time. Im just really burnt out. But today was at least a bit restorative. And me and James had a nice date. A really nice way to end the day.

I slept okay enough. But I woke up a few times. I think I'm going to remake the bed tonight. Maybe that will help.

I woke up early. No alarm or nothing. I was happy to see James. But like I was kind of sad. I just wanted to lay in bed. Which I felt bad about but James told me not too feel bad. To take care of myself. So I did. I laid there and played on my phone for like an hour.

Eventually I got up and got dressed. I had cereal. Got James to take put all the trash. Helped him with the doors. Which let sweetp run downstairs. Where he proceeded to cry a whole bunch. Hes being so needy.

James eventually left for work. And I was just sad on the couch. It was really cold in here. I put on some layers and decided to go out.

I took my scooter downstairs. But then I saw we had mail so I stopped to get those and it was my new glasses! Excellent. I felt so cute in them. A really good purchase.

I practiced scooting around the block. Its a little wobbly. But fun. And was a fairly quick way to get to the shopping center. I hsd s funny conversation with the garbage men about my scooter. And then went to the new Walgreens that was formally the rite aid.

I mostly just looked around. I bought mini mms and left. I scooted to the park. Sat and at my snack. Took furby pictures. Cried a little. It was so beautiful but I felt so sad.

I went back home. And ate. Which helped me feel a lot better. And I started to do some srt work. I got my prints. And they were so blurry. I was so sad. But I figured out if I trace all the lines it fixes it a whole bunch. So I dud that for a few hours. I needed a thinner sharpie though so I texted James to grab me one of those. But I was proud of my progress.

Wearing my glasses helped my eye strain a lot. And I felt cute. But I was really tired. So I laid in my tent and watched videos and cuddled sweetp. Eventually I made noodle soup. And James texted me he would be home early. Excellent news.

He got back here. We cuddled for a while. And once the sun went down we headed out.

We biked down to the harbor. I got mad at a stupid scooter rider who yelled at me for not moving. When They were the one on the wrong side of the road!!!! I hate those fucking scooters.

But I had a really nice time with James. We got to see lots of the pieces from Light City. We went on the Pride of Baltimore II. Which was neat. I felt really happy.

We walked back to the bikes. Saw the other half of light city. Including a giant kaleidoscope. It was on a whole building!!!

I liked the mushroom garden and thr nickelodeon machines. It was a lot of fun.

We went over to harbor east to have dinner at the James Joyce restaurant. We walked around a little. It was just a really nice night. We eventually went back to actually eat dinner. Which was excellent. There was a live musician. And James tried to argue that "In the Navy" should be our song. Incorrect. He's so silly.

I couldn't finish my food. Ate to much. But I felt bad so I got a box for my salad and left it on top of a recycling can. I hope some homeless person gets it.

We biked home. I was a bit winded but I made it. With encouragement from passerby. And now im laying on the couch with my boy. I am really tired. But I feel good. And I have a short day tomorrow. Just 1130 to 230 at the museum. And then I hope to go find a new winter coat. As I only have soft ones. Nothing weather proof. But mostly I want to chill.

I am slightly nervous because its a VIP tour. But it'll be good. I'm excited. Its gonna be good. And im going to try to get the special McDonalds toys. Wish me luck on both counts.

I hope you all have a great night. Sleep good. Wish me luck on the same haha.

#ootd #day off #boy #furby #happy #baltimore #lightcity #friday

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llollypopy · 4 years

Text

Somnium sidereum

You can read this on AO3 here

Summary: Jungkook thought his ship was going to sail successfully in the new, unfamiliar waters but instead he sank. He sank so deep that he thought he was hopeless, he kept choking on the dirty water until one day, right when he was going to give up the battle in the middle of Paris, one angel of a man saves him. In all shapes and forms of the word. Or:

Nurse and artist Jungkook lives in Paris, has suicidal thoughts and dangerous sweetheart Taehyung stops him before he could take his own life then disappears only for them to meet again in Korea and to completely fall for eachother and save eachother.

Ships: Jeon Jungkook and Kim Taehyung | V, Jung Hoseok | J-Hope and Min Yoongi | Suga

Tags: Suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, Top Kim Taehyung | V, bottom Jeon Jungkook, Français | French, French Characters, Jungkook speaks French, a little bit of Sope, Doctor Jeon Jungkook, Artist Jeon Jungkook, Tattoo Artist Kim Taehyung | V, Jeon Jungkook & Min Yoongi | Suga are best friends, Jeon Jungkook and Park Jimin are best friends

Notes:

Hi! This is a little longer work of mine, it's not finished so there will be few chapters following.

Feel free to like it and leave a comment, and enjoy!

There are translations in the end but it's written so you can understand the French sentences from the context.

The annoying sound of the alarm from his bedside table woke him up once again.

7:30am

The same cycle that repeated every day was going to make another turn today too, and Jungkook wasn't feeling like waking up. Wobbly feet touched the cold floor and he looked around. The bright blue sky with few gentle, cotton-like cloulds drifting aimlessly, the soft and warm rays from the sun and the light, chilly breeze that was coming trough the open windows Jungkook forgot to close once again didn't stand a chance against the darkness within the boy. His entire body was sore and exhausted despite the good eight hours of sleep because he overworked his body once again. He had a habit of working out until he felt like passing out, hoping the physical muscule pain was going to surpass the pain that was gnawing at his heart and the better looking body was going to make him feel good for once. But it didn't work. Not even once.

He got up once he assumed his knees were strong enough, he stretched his arms and his eyes landed on the wall oposite of him.

"Loner" it said in black, cursive letters he wrote with black acrylic paint almost two years ago when he moved in the small appartment in a peaceful part of Paris.

Around the cursive written word there were numerous of pictures and polaroids stuck on the wall, all of them held so many sweet memories, moments Jungkook cherished so much and which brought pain and nostalgia to his heart each time he landed eyes on them. All of the pictures had the same people in them, people Jungkook grew up with, people Jungkook missed from the depths of his soul. On some pictures the people were around 12, on others they were in their teens and on some they looked far more grown up, in their twenties. One particular picture, which was right below the word "loner" on the wall, had all of the people in it. They were grown up but still had that lively, childlike shine in their eyes, except one person. Jungkook. He was wearing comfortable clothes, huge backpack and his luggage was right by his side. He was in the centre of the picture, smiling but everyone could see through that smile, he wasn't happy on that picture, he looked confused, lost. The others weren't happy as well, some of them were even teared up but they were genuinely smiling because they wished Jungkook the best.

That picture was taken the day Jungkook left South Korea in search for a new life, for a new career, for something great, but the truth was he was searching for himself. The people on his left and right were his best friends, the closest thing to family he had and they were saying goodbye to him, wishing him all the luck in the new waters he was about to dive in.

But Jungkook found none of that luck and happiness in France, where he had moved and lived almost two years now. Instead he longed for those people, he wished he could see them once again, wondered what they were doing, how they've been, wondered if they were the same. Those questions weren't satisfied by the short, occasional phonecalls or texting sessions he had with them from time to time. He missed them.

You could say Jungkook loved pain. That's why he chose that certain word to be the root of all of those pictures glued around it. He wanted to remind himself that he was a loner indeed because he had left those people behind, he practically lost them because in Jungkook's mind he was sure they were doing better off without him, even maybe forgot him, and he had failed to build a new life in France meet new people and upgrade himself. He had failed. He failed and lost everything and all he had now was his boring job as a nurse, dozens of canvases and paint bottles across his appartment, his tons of books that waited to be studied because he was enrolled in the Paris Faculty of Medicine and himself. Not a single friend, not a single soul to worry for him, to wait for him to get home late at night, to ask him how his day had been, to ask him what was wrong when he was sad. And he didn't count on his past friends for that, it always hurted thinking of them.

This day he stared at the wall way longer than he usually would. That was because last night he decided to go to one of the most famous clubs in Paris on the initiative of his colleague and Jungkook saw a spark of hope in that invitation, maybe a new friendship, maybe he was going to meet someone there, have some fun, take someone home, feel something, like in the movies, but he ended up going home early because he was too disappointed in everything, in himself, and had the longest crying session in his life last night, followed by insane workout that lasted until 3 hours past midnight.

"I really don't belong anywhere" Jungkook mumbled, quietly enough so the soft breeze could wash the words away but loud enough to hear himself. And that was the thought that was etched in his mind ever since last night. He had never been so lost. As he stared at the pictures, recognizing the moments those were taken at, he was becoming more and more sure that he actually belonged with his friends back in Korea, that they were the ones that would accept him and love him unconditionally even if he didn't have that opinion back then. Back then he thought they were tired of him. But he couldn't brush off the thought that maybe if he went back now they would laugh at him for failing at everything, for being the biggest loser ever, for not being capable to make a single friend in two years time, he couldn't stop thinking that maybe he wasn't going to be able to fit in his old group of friends. He hsd mixed feelings. Maybe, maybe he really didn't belong anywhere. Maybe it wasn't meant for him to be loved, to have someone by his side, to be able to face what life threw at his face.

"Stop being so pathetic" he scolded himself and he turned his back to the wall, walking across the livingroom and to the small bathroom. He indeed was pathetic.

One photo, with him and all his friends sitting on their bench in the school yard, stayed in his mind from how long he had been staring at it just now, and he smiled subconsciously, going back to his high school days.

Flashback

"Jungkook!" Jungkook heard his name being called as he walked through the glass door of their high school. It was their third year in that school and Jungkook's first, he moved schools after he finished second year, the main reason being that all of his friends were in his present high school. Now he was able to see them every single day and seventeen year old Jungkook was the happiest.

"Hey Yoon, sorry I'm lat-"

"Spare me from your excuses, Kook, we got used to you being late every single day"

Jungkook chuckled at the comment Yoongi, his best friend, made and just followed him to the inner school yard, this school was the only one to have it and it was a really nice place, the walls of the school facility that surrounded the yard from all four sides were covered with legally student-made graffiti there were nicely organised benches along with green surfaces.

"I really can't hear Jimin brag about his maths exam now" Jungkook sighed as they walked to one particular bench, a really long one, blue, that had '3JHYN' engraved with a key on their first day of third year in highschool. Jungkook, Jimin, Jin, Hoseok, Yoongi, Namjoon.

Jungkook was too busy talking with Jimin about their after school art class to notice Hoseok had arrived and now they were complete. Said boy back hugged Yoongi and he giggled, turning around to kiss Hoseok the moment Jungkook looked at them. He smiled lightly but no matter how much he tried to be happy about them two, there was something inside him that was eating that happiness. He was so used to the enormous attention he got from his best friend Yoongi, they had known eachother for 13 years and now suddenly someone else was receiving all of that.

"Anyways, Jimin, I think the professor said class starts at 2pm. So we got, what, one spare hour?" He said and Jimin nodded. "We should use it wisely" Jimin joked, seductively moving his eyebrows up and down which made him and Jungkook laugh. Jimin was always, in the full meaning of the word always, doing dirty jokes like that. Just like Hoseok. Jungkook was simply awestruck when he figured out how soft and gentle and easily hurt Jimin was, little by little he could notice what a big heart the boy had and how careful he was towards the others even if his behaviour left a first impression of a jokester and a cocky guy.

"No I'm pretty sure Yoongi took the CD with 'San Andreas'" Jungkook overheard Jin say and Jimin rolled his eyes.

"Why do you care about GTA? That game is as old as dinosaurs" Jungkook said and Namjoon laughed.

"Really, Jin, Yoongi can keep it" Namjoon added.

"It's not that I care but I want Yoongi to give it back to me, I'll give him another game, i want my GTA back" Jin sighed dramatically, as if he was hurt to the bone. Jungkook couldn't really muster why they included Yoongi in this or what was going on with the CD with the game but he shrugged it off.

"Next time we do that I might give you Counter Strike, Yoongi, that way your old game collection will be complete" Jimin said and everyone broke down laughing while Yoongi and Hoseok paid no attention, they were in their own world.

"Wait, do what?" Jungkook finally asked, sensing that there was something he had missed in the conversation.

"Next time we gather- wait.. why didn't you come?" Jin said and Jungkook felt that familiar burning sensation in his stomach so he took out his pack of cigarettes and lit up one, taking a drag.

"I don't get it"

"We gathered at Yoongi's and we all brought some games, well it was something like Secret Santa since it's almost Christmas, just it wasn't secret" jin explained and Jimin wheezed, he was a mess when it came to explanations.

"We just gave eachother games we think the other would like" namjoon added. "Why didn't you come?" Jungkook heard the question again and he felt a lump form in his throat so he inhaled again from his cigarette. "No one called me" he said, gritting his teeth because his voice broke. "Oh, Yoongi didn't? We told him to call you" Jimin said, having an apologetic expression.

"Yoongi" namjoon called him and he turned around but Hoseok kissed his neck before he could speak and made him giggle.

"Hey Yoonie" Jungkook called him now and Yoongi didn't pay him any attention, too busy fighting Hoseok's tickles.

That took a toll on Jungkook's feelings, it hurted, and after he finished his cigarette he stepped on it, disappointed it didn't fix his hurt feelings, while looking at his friends. "I'll go now, gotta revise" he said but before he could go Hoseok stepped in his way. "Just a second, Kook, let's take a picture, we want you to be in it too" he said with his bright voice ans happy smile and Jungkook just smiled, nodding.

Present

That's where that picture was from on Jungkook's wall. He could still feel the slight hurt he felt when his own best friend forgot to invite him.

That was one of the turning points of Jungkook's life.

It was as if he was blind to so many things that were right in front of his eyes. Everyone told him Yoongi thought of Jungkook as his number one, as his best buddy and his home, if home could be a person, but Jungkook wasn't feeling it, he wasn't seeing it, and so he got off those waters only to dive in new, dangerous ones. And find absolutely nothing.

Shanking his head as if he had something in his hair or as if he was trying to avoid something around his head he shook off the thoughts, the happily painful memories that one by one started to come round in his mind. He washed up, brushed his teeth with his bamboo toothbrush he bought the other day, "at least I'm useful for saving the planet" was his thought while he was paying for the article, he tried to fix his messy, slightly long hair that recently was beginning to get really wavy and frizzy.

All done he was after he put a pair of black pants, oversized jumper which covered all of his arm and chest tattoos he had and took his leather backpack. He was ready to go to work at the hospital that was about twenty minutes away from his appartment so he needn't use the car he didn't even own or a bike. He loved to walk there.

"Bonjour"¹ Jungkook smiled at the old lady in the bakery right around the corner, a sweet, greeting smile that, if you looked hard enough, screamed for a little bit of extra love and attention.

"Bonjour, mon chéri, qu'aime-tu aujourd'hui?"² The lady asked him, even though she knew his usual order, they grew close enough that she felt free to drop the honorifics.

"Deux croissants et thé vert, s'il te plaît"³

Jungkook responded, he didn't want to call himself a basic person but he loved croissants and he hated green tea but it made him feel better after drinking it.

After he gave the usual six euros to the lady and waved at her goodbye he pushed the paper bag in his black leather backpack and carried on walking down the already busy street. It was winter but gladly there was no snow, Jungkook hated it. But he loved the way he felt hot after walking for a while and the chilly wind bit at his cheeks, nose and lips, making him pull his woolen scarf up to his nose and snuggle in it. Maybe his brain detected the soft material for a person, for someone who can possibly give Jungkook a little bit of love and warmth, but it was only an object.

His doe-like round eyes, resembling almonds, scanned the streets, the cozy cafes, greyish and yellowish colours dominating the city, painting it with beautiful shades for his eyes to admire. He noticed the bare trees, leafless, they looked lonely, just like him. He really wanted to paint them, he wanted to paint the view of the city like this, in these colours and have it in memory forever. And Jungkook couldn't help but imagine what would it feel like to walk here with his significant other, with a person he loves deeply and a person who loves him too, it ripped his heart knowing he had never really felt true love, he had never loved somebody for who they were, for how happy they made Jungkook, for their smile or eyes. Love was unfamiliar for him. And that hurted.

"Bonjour!" The secretary greeted him once he walked through the glass doors that swung back and forth in the hospital and Jungkook was getting tired of all the bonjours. Nevertheless, he greeted her back, making effort in smiling back at her while examining her long, blonde hair, she was a brunette yesterday which meant a new hairstyle but he had no intention in bringing it up, he wasn't as close with his coworkers.

"Je vous informe que nous travailerons jusqu'à 3 heures aujourd'hui, monsieur"⁴ she added and Jungkook only nodded as if he wasn't surprised that the work time had been shortened drastically, probably because of the upcoming holidays. He didn't care about the holidays, he was going to work until 3pm and that was fascinating news.

He headed to the main nurse room which was on the first floor and after closing the dark wooden door behind him he took out his uniform from his backpack which he had taken home to wash because he had spilled coffee all over it the other day. Before he dressed up for work he sat down on one of the chairs, took out his breakfast that was still hot and started eating quickly, his shift was starting in 10 minutes. He could see tired faces preparing to go home from the night shift, dark bags under their exhausted eyes but they still managed to function and even have solid conversations with eachother.

Everyone who passed by Jungkook, greeted him. It wasn't like his colleagues didn't like him, no, they actually adored him because sometimes, very rare and precious times, Jungkook let loose, he would drop a joke here and there and let the people have a glimpse of his real self before he was back to his usual lifeless representation of Jeon Jungkook. And that was one of the reason why everyone respected him, the other being his crazy nursing skills and knowledge. How did an artist get into nursery and was studyingto become a doctor? That was an interesting topic but not for Jungkook. His parents, being doctors, both of them, wanted Jungkook to respectively become one too and continue the family chain of doctors. Jungkook didn't want to be a doctor. Not because he hated the medical studies, he had to admit to himself, the whole science about the human body fascinated him and he wanted to know a lot about it but he wanted to be an artist. To paint and sell paintings or to be a grafic designer for a famous company, or make posters for movies, or make logos for brands, anything that involved creativity and art, his two strong sides he always relied on. And Jungkook was willing to go against his parents' will, he did argue a lot with them, there were days where he would scream at them on top of his lungs how he didn't want to be a doctor. Such day was the day he saw his mother and father for the last time. They were going to work in the evening, for their night shift, with Jungkook shouting how he didn't want to be what they whated him to be, he wanted to follow his own dream and his own path and not study medicine. He was telling them they were the worst parents and so on.

That night they had a car crash and Jungkook wanted to end it all when he got the devastating news. He had never ever in his life felt worse. He felt like trash, like an ungrateful, useless idiot that got his parents killed because he couldn't cotrol his emotions, thoughts and teenage hormones. He still remembered that morning when his phone rang and an unfamiliar voice from the other side told him his parents had passed away. He could still feel the pain, like something burned right trough his heart, like a little part of him was ripped away. That sunny morning, the darkest one for him, he had promised himself to follow his parents' path, to make them the proudest, to become the best doctor ever, in their honour, to save lives because he apparently couldn't save his parents and no matter what the guilt stuck with him forever.

2:50pm

Jungkook put on his disposable medical gloves, feeling the uncomfortable pouder within the gloves and on his hands but he had gotten used to it, and smiled at his last patient while he took a piece of cotton, dipped it in the disinfection alcohol in a dark brown, glass bottle and cleaned the inside elbow area of the patient's pale arm. She looked sick and tired but also uneasy, so Jungkook, as by protocol, asked her

"Avez-vous peur des aiguilles, mademoiselle?"⁵

Most of the patients did fear needles so when she shook her head no Jungkook decided against asking any further questions, he never wanted to barge in his patients' private lives.

"Bien"⁶ he smiled at her, he always tried to be as friendly as possible with his patients, and after unpacking the sterile needle and syringe he searched for an adequate vein under her soft skin before he prodded trough it and watched the syringe fill with red liquid. He could tell her health wasn't in the best state because her blood looked more like pinkish water but he was going to let the lab workers figure that out.

"C'est ça"⁷ he said after he took out the needle and instantly pressed on the area with the same cotton pad. He transferred the blood in a test tube, and removed his gloves.

That was really it, he was done for the day. But instead of feeling happiness and content that he was finally going to go home and relax he felt uneasy, because he knew more feeling empty hours were ahead of him in the lonely place he called his home, more staring at the photos on the wall, more self hatred, more crying. He would rather stay at work.

Today's sky was the most beautiful thing Jungkook had ever seen. It was twilight, thanks to the weird winter time schedule Jungkook barely ever understood, it was complete darkness by four in the afternoon and now it was three, and the sky was pink and orange and yellow and a little bit of blue, soft, cotton clouds bathing in those vivid colours. It seemed like nature paid the most talented painter to do the sky so pretty. Maybe it was Jungkook, he loved painting skies, sunsets and sunrises, he always seeked motivation in nature's pretty works amd this one was a must-do.

He was walking on the bridge now, that connected both lands on each side of Seine, while his round, mesmerised eyes still stared up at the sky. When he was halfway across he bridge he realised that the sun was setting right where Seine was flowing to, making the quick and unsteady waters of the river reflect the sky, painting the most breathtaking view in Jungkook's life.

It was slowly getting darker, the colours were starting to fade and turn to more purplish tones and Jungkook halted right in the middle of thebridge, walked to the edge just to stare into that colourful abyss. It was hypnotising, mysterious, now that some stars were visible and the sky was an angry pink, orange and purple colour, along with the river. It felt, just for a moment as if Jungkook was in another galaxy, in another world, and he imagined, if that was possible, would he be happy there? Would things be better? Would everything in his life fall back in place and most importantly, would Jungkook feel happy, full, and not lonely?

He couldn't imagine such world, feeling loved and happy had become unfamiliar to him and the thought of that angered him.

As if the burning sky set fire in his soul, Jungkook felt it burn, he felt all of the empty emotions nibble his heart and fill his eyes that were also reflecting the gorgeous sky. Just like the river did. He looked down at it, the waters looked pretty, free, flowing forth and carrying all that beauty from the sky. He wondered, if he would dive into Seine, would his wounds heal? Maybe the beauty of the water filling his lungs would fix things. He was so desperate for something, anything that would drag him out of his pathetic state right now, something that would make him feel, something that would make him feel loved and appreciated.

Or someone.

He hadn't noticed when he had started crying, it was soundless, just crystal clear tears rolling down his red cheeks and they reflected the sky too.

He hadn't noticed then he was standing on the very edge of the bridge, on the other side of the barricade.

But little by little, day by day, he had noticed how things were getting worse, his emptiness was growing rapidly, uncontrollably and there was no one to tame it or to kill it. He was craving for a warm hug, for a sweet smile and few gentle words that would make his heart beat faster and would make his cheeks blush, he wanted to feel the love and kill the loneliness but he was failing horribly. So instead, he decided to at least see his parents once again, to remove a parasite from this world and make it easier for him and the world.

"Non! Qu'est-ce que tu fais?!"⁸ He heard a voice, a deep and raspy one but honey-like, was it calling for Jungkook?

Translations:

¹ "hello!"

² "hello, sweetheart, what would you like today?"

³ "two croissants and green tea, please"

⁴ "I inform you that we will work until 3 o'clock today, sir"

⁵ "do you have a fear of needles, miss?"

⁶ "alright" / "good"

⁷ "that's it"

⁸ "no! What are you doing?!"

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