#and even when I can sleep 8 hours; there's still the chronic exhaustion I will face for... forever. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rotblume · 6 months

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24. November is Non24 Awareness Day

Non24 is a chronic neurological 'circadian rhythm' disorder (like Advanced, Delayed and Irregular Sleep) - primarily affecting the sleep rhythm, but also many other bodily functions, which are all inter-connected, such as appetite and digestion, temperature and immune system, energy and concentration or mood & mental health.

It is a very rare disease and therefore not much is known about it. As a matter of fact, and quite unfortunately, many of the medical professionals still believe it only affects blind people without light perception as the sun is the most important 'zeitgeber', when all evidence proves sighted people can suffer from it as well.

It can also be easily misdiagnosed (e.g. idiopathic insomnia/ hypersomnia or depression etc.), if there is a diagnosis at all and not only prejudiced social judgement, so that you don't even get to a sleep expert. It must be assumed that there is a high number of undetected or unreported cases, especially among sighted people.

There are very few and very limited treatment options. Those available to me, I have tried without success.

At best, they don't really work, at worst, they make me feel worse. Personally, and like most others I know of thanks to our facebook support group, I feel most healthy when free-running (meaning I follow my body's inherent rhythm and sleep when I'm tired), instead of forcing myself to day-walk and try to entrain to a more normal (= the modern average) sleep pattern (sleeping only at night, staying awake throughout the daytimes), which at some point is simply impossible for me either way - after some time of (good or any at all) sleep deprivation, my body crashes due to the lack of sleep.

I have Sighted Non24. My day is about 25 hours long.

This means that instead of having stable wake and sleep times (e.g. a 24 hour day with 8 hours of sleep between 22 and 6 o'clock and 16 hours spent awake), one day I become tired at 22 o'clock, the next at 23, the day after that at 24. If I have to get up at a certain point in time for work or university, it ultimately results in less and less sleep.

I am unable to sleep when my body is not sleepy, I literally just roll around in bed doing nothing, tired but awake. Even after a week or more of this, with the hours of missed sleep adding up, my exhaustion does not put me to sleep.

When it comes to the point where I become sleepy just as I have to get up, for a few days I might even be able to "just work through" my night, until in the end the sleep deprivation - basically the complete lack of healthy rest - literally forces my body to shut down and I fall asleep in my seat during lectures or standing in the bus.

It is an invisible disability. It's well on its way to completely destroy my life, because I am unable to even finish the education needed for jobs I could do at home on my own time.

It was a war, battle after battle to even get this diagnosis. I am still fighting to get actual disability accomoditions.

#non24 #n24swd #n24crd #circadian rhythm #non24 awareness day #awareness day #awareness #invisible disability #rare disease #rare disorder #idiopathic insomnia #idiopathic hypersomnia #mental health #depression

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coldforest · 10 months

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Greetings, get ready for a weird rant because you and I are the same age. I’m super mad rn because I’m reading all these my hero academia fanfics and they’re like “oh, Mr. Aizawa is so old, he can only last maybe one round with you” and I’m like… bitch, the man is maayyyyybe 4 years older than us (I looked up his canon age) and trust me when I say that even with C-PTSD, seizure meds, chronic pain, and two antidepressants (all of which suppress your abilities) I can last at least two on a bad night (assuming I didn’t bring home a bunch of grading or freelance work). Like, JFC, you don’t suddenly become old at 30.

Please tell me that children are writing these or something, because I cannot handle the idea of people our age just being like “yeah, a 31 year old dude is like… so old and exhausted. So decrepit. Completely unable to do anything except eat and sleep” (although he does do a lot of that in the anime and manga BECAUSE HE DOES HERO WORK AND NIGHT AND TEACHES DURING THE DAY. We stan self-care sheesh)

I have no idea why you picked me (out of all the 27 year olds on tumblr) for this ask but I'm so glad that you did. I haven't done the deed for nearly 8 years now so idk if I still have the ability to go for hours these days (I do feel a bit old and exhausted and decrepit tbf) but I know I'd give it my best college try

#asks #ask

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mcrmadness · 1 year

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I tried to google about spring tiredness (in Finnish), why is every article about being burnout and related to work, and not about the phenomenon itself??? Like, I just wanted to know if spring tiredness as a term (well it's one in Finnish at least) means excessive tiredness in general and whether it has something to do with seasons etc. or not, but everything is about "this is why you might be tired at work during spring" - NOT WHAT I WAS ASKING ABOUT???

This is more like a chronic jetlag. I know it takes time for a body and brain to get used to the changes of a sleeping schedule, but I also know my own circadian rhythm is not normal. My sleep phase is delayed, and my day has more than 24 hours in it. I would say 30h is closer to the amount of hours in my inner clock.

But at this point this is getting ridiculous. It feels like my inner clock would be partially broken and only has 12 hours now. It's not the first time this has happened, but it's hella annoying when it feels like my body does not stop producing melatonin at all. It's like having melatonin high 24/7, my whole body is shaky and my muscles feel SO WEAK because of that. And I know I'm not sick or anything like that, because this is how I feel when I have stayed up for 24 hours too, and this time I haven't.

This is now the third day in a row. I have slept at night, I wake up around 8am, I become really tired at 10am, afternoon is the worst, just wanna have a nad at 5pm and then can't wait for it to be late enough so that I can go to sleep because if I go to bed too early, then I will wake up even earlier and will be even sleepier and drowsier the next day.

I woke up after 8am today and I have been awake for 2 hours and I already feel so exhausted. I haven't even eaten any breakfast yet and I still feel like I'm ready to go to bed cos I just want to sleep. I SLEPT FOR OVER 8 HOURS WHY IS MY BRAIN LIKE THIS. Besides, it was MY BODY that woke up. It could have very well kept sleeping for a couple of hours more but no. Just had to wake itself up and be like "oh it's morning :)" and now it's getting sunny outside and I'm getting so much more tired it's insane. I affects my ability to even do things cos my whole body feels so annoying and I can't focus on anything because of the sensory things. Even tho that might be also the key, and it might help me wake up physically if I actually went for a walk or something instead of sitting in front of the pc the whole day doing nothing cos I feel too exhausted.

But yeah, this is my normal. This is what happens with my if I can't follow my circadian rhythm, and some times my brain does this thing especially in the spring where it just randomly clicks and follows the majority's normal circadian rhythm which doesn't fit my body at all. I keep being told you can get used to it and you can learn to get used to waking up in the mornings. No I cannot. I have done that, I have been in schools and had to wake up to those early on for YEARS because my schools started at 8am, I have had a job that started before 8am. My current school starts at 9am. I am able to distract myself from the feels of tiredness with work, especially physical work, but if I keep sitting in one place, I just get so tired. I was always so exhausted at school and even in vocational schools I have had to fight against my body's urge to fall asleep in class. It usually doesn't matter if I have slept enough hours, it's just that I'm forced to wake up earlier than what would be natural for me. It's like if someone with the normal rhythm was waken up at 2am to go to work/school at 4am. I bet they'd get drowsy too eventually.

My own normal circadian rhythm would be to sleep from 2-4am to 10-11am. If I wake up at 11am, I won't get nearly as tired as I get now that my body has kept waking me up between 7-8am after I've gone to sleep between midnight and 2am.

Hopefully it gets better today if I manage to shower after breakfast and then manage to leave the house.

#mcrmadness venting #funny how I always keep venting on Tumblr about me being tired every time this happens #also I've noticed that having 'normal' sleeping schedule always affects negatively my moods #I was trying to maintain one in last autumn because of school etc. and I've never had so much anxiety and intrusive thoughts than then #the second I started staying up at nights again - also my moods got better

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sevdrag · 2 years

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dreamwidth update: wording out: when you can't write (1/?) - chronic fatigue

IDK if y'all are aware of this, but I've really been struggling with words lately. I'm a full 40 days behind my GYWO writing pledge for Days Written, and based on an informal expectation that I would write the word count I did last year, I'm only at 55%. And it's almost June, which makes me pretty damn behind.

There are a few things I've been meaning to talk about as reasons I haven't been writing -- please note this isn't because I think I owe anybody anything (except for a few lingering comms for v understanding friends) or that I really think anyone cares. It's just interesting stuff for a dialogue, really.

The key part of me not writing is that I've been caring for my three nieces weekly. This involves a 2-hr drive to my brother's house on Monday, where I pick them up from school (METL MUM) and watch them for 3 hours, then start / help / eat dinner. After dinner I can escape to the basement if I have things to do (and often do), but 3 hours with 3 young and very energetic girls can be exhausting, so it's rare that I have any spoons to write after, say, 20:00. Tuesday I wake up early to take them to school and have like 9:00-15:00 to myself, at which point I do the same thing, just a little more tired. Wednesdays I take them to school and then drive the 2 hr back to my house, at which point usually I collapse.

and there's a lot of this that has just taken far more energy than I expected. The girls, the travel, being away from my cats and my OWN grocery shopping and my safe spaces, sleeping in a strange bed (although at this point it isn't THAT strange), the wear of scope creep as weeks went on. 3 girls for 3 hours is a lot of overstimulation, which is one of the things I'm critically sensitive too -- more likely to wear me out than almost anything else.

Part 1: Fibro Sucks

We all know spoon theory, right, but -- a lot of the time I explain fibromyalgia and other chronic pain conditions using a credit or debit card analogy. Say you've got a card and every day you get X number of task energy loaded into that card. Then every time you do an activity, you swipe the card and it charges you. Some tasks - eat breakfast, shower - might be one unit of energy, while others - work 8 hours - might be six units, or eight, depending. For most ablebodied, neurotypical people, the number of tasks they can load onto their card in the morning usually averages out about equal to the energy they need for the entire day.

With fibro, first of all, you don't know how many energy credits you're going to have on any given day. You might wake up and have a 'normal' amount of energy. Or you might wake up and only have, like, 8 tasks on the card. And you have to pick how you want to spend them. Most of the time people with chronic pain disorders wake up with fewer task energy credits in their account, comparably -- this is why we're always complaining about not being able to keep up with the dishes, the laundry, the vacuuming. Our credit cards are a lot more limited. We don't get as many tasks per day as most typical people. Most people with fibromyalgia continuously run on a deficit.

And in addition -- yeah, you can borrow from the next day: you can overcharge the card. But not only does that give you less energy for tomorrow, the bank (your body) hits you with an overdraft fee, such as extensive pain, brain fog, exhaustion, or even illness. These things compound on themselves, too, until you've built up such debt that you have to spend an entire weekend in bed.

Recovery Days: When Brain and Body Are Just Done

The problem with all of this travel and work hasn't necessarily been the care itself (although man it's been great seeing the girls like this and ALSO oh man i'm super tired) -- it's been recovery. If I get up, drive / take the girls in, put in whatever work I can manage that day, care for the girls BY MYSELF, make dinner, etc... that's a full day. That's a full day for a parent. So even when I slip downstairs at 19:00 to relax, I've still put in a lot of work. And that plus the dissonance of continuous traveling has just ... it's worn down my credit card a lot.

The problem has been that I'll come home and do nothing Wednesday and usually need Thursday as a light-brain-and-body day until I'm recovered enough to feel like myself. By the weekend (when I see Actual Husband) I'm usually alright, but at that point I'm trying to forward-bank energy for next week's child care. When you run on a deficit like this, well -- my time w the girls is my top priority, they're my nieces, but/so other things start to suffer.

So one of the reasons it's been hard to write much of anything is because I've been spending far more time in Recovery Mode. Like, Hardcore Recovery Mode. (Fibro's one of the biggest reasons I don't have children of my own, although there are others.)

It's no surprise that the only things I've posted this year are comfort fic (forth, the fifth) and feral birthday gifts (weirdly specific AUs) where I had people cheering me on as I was writing AND a deadline. That encouragement piece has really, until now, been the driver. I'm finally starting to crawl out of the hole, finally looking at WIPs again, but.

And the funniest/worst piece is that I hadn't really realized up until just recently - when I started climbing out of the hole - what it was. It isn't necessarily writing burnout - because I still wanted to write - but it's other burnout, spending my energy elsewhere on other people and then needing to plug myself in like a dead phone. (My other favorite fibro analogy is the mobile phone with a shit battery and too many apps analogy.)

you just get tired of being tired, my friends. you get really tired of being tired.

comments Comment? https://ift.tt/7IhSitP

#crossposted #dreamwidth

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tarnishedxknight · 10 months

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Meta Topic: Noah’s Chronic Nethicite Poisoning

{out of dalmasca} I wanted to take the time to detail my interpretation of Noah with regard to the nethicite poisoning that he suffers from as a result of exposure in Landis as a youth. The majority of this information is headcanons, with a few bits of canon thrown in, but I always try to make things as realistic and believable in conjunction with canon as possible. Consider all of this information as true for Noah in his threads unless otherwise stated. Noah is... not a well man, heh. It’s actually amazing that he has been able to accomplish all that he has with the daily list of issues he faces.

{ PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS }

Amber eyes: The most immediately visible physical sign that Noah has nethicite poisoning is the fact that the irises of his eyes are an orange/amber color and they glow slightly. His eyes were naturally blue before being poisoned, the same as Basch’s, but because of his exposure during the fall of Landis, Mist has collected in his eyes, giving the appearance of amber eye color. And Mist, the magical fog-like substance that results from nethicite combustion, glows with an orange light, so that’s where it comes from. Noah’s eyes actually do glow in the dark. Faintly, but they do. I’ll go more into the magical symptoms Noah has a bit later.

Sterility: Something else I’ll continue to discuss in the “magical” section of symptoms is the fact that nethicite poisoning (supposedly) sterilized Noah. Nethicite poisoning and the effects of Mist on the body share many symptoms with radiation poisoning, for example hair falling out, shedding skin, teeth falling out, or becoming sterile. Nethicite will actually set off a Geiger counter in modern or MCU AUs, so who’s to say it does not share some of the same properties? Not everyone has the same symptoms and it depends upon duration and acuteness of exposure, but all these symptoms are possible. Noah... believed he was sterile, for he really should have been, only to father Larsa with Amoretta Solidor.

Organ damage: Just like the symptoms of radiation poisoning mentioned above, nethicite poisoning can also result in organ damage. At any given time, Noah could have painful digestive issues, problems with his eyesight, muscle or bone aches, or he could suffer from respiratory ailments. Noah has a chronic cough, and it is not altogether uncommon for him to cough up small amounts of blood at times. The Mist in his body is constantly working to repair the damage to his organs even as it is also simultaneously causing it, leaving his body in a constant state of cycling health issues. For the most part, however, he gets by with his lung ailments. Actually, all that coughing over the years has resulted in him having an increased lung capacity.

Slower metabolism: Nethicite poisoning dramatically slows down the body’s metabolism. Because of this, Noah has a decreased need for food and water, something that has come in very handy for him over the years while training hard to rise to the level of Judge Magister, and while fighting in numerous wars and battles. When others have to stop for hydration or nutrition, he can keep going. Noah only needs to eat one large, decent meal every 2 days or so, and to drink water maybe once a day. He can eat and drink more, but he has to be careful not to gain weight too quickly, unless he’s trying to build muscle.

Chronic fatigue: The downside of having a slower metabolism is that Noah tires very easily. He’s overcome some of this with training and learning how to push through his fatigue to find his second, third, or tenth wind, heh, but it’s still a problem. He’s gotten very good at faking not seeming exhausted, tired, sleepy, dazed, etc., but he can only pretend for so long before he needs to rest. As a result, he needs about 10-12 hours of sleep a day to be perfectly rested as opposed to most other people needing about 6-8 hours. He... rarely ever gets that much sleep, though.

Fast “healing”: Mist is a very volatile, active, and seemingly almost curiously sentient medium. Whenever Noah becomes injured, the Mist inside his body will begin to repair him. But... it is an imperfect process. Imagine trying to repair a shattered ceramic item... with masking tape. Yeah, that’s not going to work very well, heh. The result is something that might be in the same shape and might hold together for some time, but its structural integrity will suffer and it can only handle so much stress before it’ll break again. The same is true when Noah is injured. The Mist will quickly do a half-assed job of “healing” him, and that might save his life by temporarily reforming organs and stopping blood flow, but he will need to rest to heal completely naturally or he’ll need potions, spells, or some other kind of magical help to fully heal his injuries.

{ MENTAL SYMPTOMS }

Increased risk of insanity long-term: It is canon that nethicite exposure negatively affects the brain/mind. Chronic sufferers may experience altered perception, delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, or a detachment from reality the longer their condition persists. I personally think that Noah was beginning to experience some of these symptoms by the end of the game.

Increased volatility and intensity of emotions: Nethicite poisoning takes emotions that are already there and amplifies them. It also causes extreme and frequent mood swings. Noah was already a very intense person to begin with, just by his own nature, and his condition doesn’t help matters any. He has the tendency to suddenly fly off the handle about something, which isn’t good in his line of work. He’s had to fight very hard to control outbursts of rage and sadness over the years. Sometimes... he’s not able to help it.

Increased aggression: One of the major symptoms of nethicite poisoning is increased aggression. This can manifest in a desire to hurt others, to break things and destroy property, or to lash out violently or verbally. Again, Noah has had to discipline himself very well to control his temper and Mist-enhanced desires to become violent outside of a battle setting.

Confusion, decreased clarity/focus, and memory loss: Sometimes Noah becomes disoriented for seemingly no reason. He might forget what he came into a room for, forget the date, repeat himself without realizing it, struggle with basic math for longer than he should, things like that. These little lapses in memory and mental clarity are due to Mist collecting in his brain. As it moves around and the distribution of it in different parts of his brain changes, it affects his cognitive abilities.

{ MAGICAL SYMPTOMS }

For my own personal fictional fantasy worlds that I’ve developed for my novels, the magic of sorcerers, healers, priests, etc. tends to collect in parts of the body that contain the most nerve density. In other words, the most capacity for feeling, pain, and/or pleasure. So, in the brain, the eyes, the mouth, the reproductive organs, and the hands. This is why magical is often given power and direction by speaking certain words, making hand gestures, or by having a direct line of sight between you and your intended target. This could also hold true for Noah, whose eyes are clearly a collection point for Mist within his body based on their orange glow. It makes sense, given the symptoms he suffers from, and... for another unfortunate symptom mentioned briefly above, sterility.

Noah expected himself to be sterile due to his poisoning and so did Amoretta. The fact that he isn’t, or at least that he isn’t completely or all the time, is curious. He may have been completely sterile for a number of years after his initial exposure, the Mist accumulating in his reproductive organs having been the cause. But, over time and as he continues to live with the poisoning like a chronic illness, his body seems to adapt to it in some ways. It is possible that after a while, his body began to regenerate certain capacities like fertility despite his continued poisoned state.

{ REVENANT STATE }

All of the above symptoms are true for living Noah before he dies in any way. After he dies, he will wake up again as a revenant unless his body is irrevocably destroyed via decapitation, bifurcation, or burning. Depending on how intact the body is at the time of death and the level of Mist in the body, a person may rise as if they had never died in the first place... or as a mindless ghoul. In Noah’s case, he died from a blow to the back of his head when Cid threw him against a wall at the Pharos. It likely cracked his skull and caused traumatic brain injuries, resulting in his death. However, his body was almost fully intact, and he has high levels of Mist in his body, so he woke up again pretty much like his normal self. At least... visually...

Technically, Revenant!Noah is a form of undead, meaning that he’s no longer alive in the traditional sense but he’s still walking and talking and living his life. He doesn’t need to eat or drink in this state but he often chooses to simply for pleasure. He also becomes immortal, meaning unless his body is destroyed in on of the manners I mentioned earlier, he will go on living. Well, “living.” This is how he is some 5K+ years old in MCU AUs where he has been alive the entire time Basch and/or Ashelia were in stasis.

{ OTHER NOTES }

Issues with healing magic: My version of Noah cannot successfully magically heal anyone but himself. This is because he is not naturally capable of magic like those of Dynast King lines (Ashe for example), nor has he trained or studied magic to become proficient at it in some way (like Basch). So all of his magical ability stems entirely from the Mist within his body. That is what powers his spells. When he “heals,” he uses Mist to do it. This is okay if the person already has nethicite poisoning, but if they don’t, he actually might do more harm than good by essentially pumping Mist energy into the body of a healthy person. In contrast, if he heals himself magically, all he’s doing is concentrating the Mist that’s already in his body into a certain wounded area. This will cause him fatigue, but it would also help repair his body more quickly, at least in the short term.

Forms of Noah’s magic: My version of Noah manifests his magic mainly through offensive spells in battle, with some defensive and bolstering spells that affect himself. Offensive spells are often meant to cause harm or destruction, and so he doesn’t care that he’s using Mist to cast them. Defensive and bolstering magic, however, would cause harm or illness to someone else if he tried to cast it on them. But for himself, he can throw up shields, enhance his weapons or armor, make himself faster or stronger for a time, or give himself a little boost of energy if he is feeling fatigued.

Hope for recovery or being cured: In my canon for the FFXII world, nethicite poisoning can only be healed by someone whose magic stems from the Occuria. So, one of Dynast lineage like Ashelia could be capable of it if their magic happens to take a healing form and they can become strong enough to completely cure all the poisoning in someone’s body. Ashelia happens to be very innately powerful, even when unpracticed, and her magic naturally does take a healing form (in my canon, at least, because in the game I always made her a healer, heh). She accidentally cured Basch of his nethicite poisoning when she was only ten years old because she’d been so upset at his failing health that her tiny self wished so hard, her magic misfired. She ended up passing out from the effort, but when she woke, Basch was cured. From that moment on, she studied and practiced to perfect the arts of healing. So... in any AU where Noah has access to Ashelia, it would be possible for her to cure him as well. That is not to say that in a modern or MCU AU there isn’t some cutting-edge medical treatment that might be able to also cure him or to minimize his symptoms. I’m willing to leave that open to whatever fudgery might be needed in a given thread. XD

That’s all I can think of right now, but as I detail more, I’ll add to this post! =)

#{ out of dalmasca } ᵒᵒᶜ #{headcanons}#alt muse: noah #tw: physical health #tw: mental health #tw; medical issues

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mamatater · 2 years

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My husband is going through a crisis with his mom and I'm at a fucking loss as to what to do. Sorry for the rant.

So my husband's mom (MIL) is very chronically ill. She has COPD and congestive heart failure from years of smoking, plus advanced kidney failure. She is also overweight, which isn't a problem by itself but makes physical recovery from the other problems difficult. She's currently on an oxygen cannula 100% of the time, and also uses a bipap machine to sleep.

She used to be relatively mobile, but has regressed to only being slightly mobile (she can stand and pivot, and walk a short distance with a walker). Because of this, she requires a lot of assistance; she needs help going to the bathroom, she needs someone (i.e., my husband and I) to shop for her and run arrands because she can't drive or leave the house. My husband has been doing almost everything for her for years and both of us are tired.

So a couple of months ago she got sick (my fault technically; I got a cold and gave it to her) and her breathing got so difficult we had to take her to the hospital. She was in the ICU for about 3 weeks and had an end-of-life scare towards the end before she started bouncing back (her oxygen was about 70% for two days and really heavily altered her mental state to the point where we thought she was getting ready to pass away).

So now she's stable but incredibly weak, and can't even sit up on her own, so she was discharged to a skilled nursing facility (SNF) to give her physical therapy to help get her strength back.

The problem is that she was very iffy about participating in therapy. She didn't refuse every time, but would do it often, and when she did participate, she was extremely difficult. So the head physical therapist (correctly) reported to insurance that she wasn't very cooperative. The insurance then decided that "alive but completely bedbound" was her new baseline (it isnt) and that they were discharging her. They told us this on a Thursday morning, and gave us a discharge date of Sunday.

So obviously this isn't medically advisable to discharge her home. She can't even sit up unassisted. Neither of us are available to give her the round-the-clock care she requires. Plus her gas service has been off for a month and will not be restored for another few days, and it's 20 degrees here right now. So my husband has been strung out of his mind, fighting with insurance and calling everyone who can possibly help him file an appeal. He filed 2 appeals, tried filing his power of attorney with insurance, everything he possibly could. He got about 10 hours of sleep total over the course of that week. Of course it didn't matter though, because insurance purposely made this call at the end of the week so our appeals wouldn't go through in time. So she was discharged yesterday.

We had the thought of just taking her home and arranging home health aids the next day (because of course on Sunday you can't do anything), but we can't get her home safely in my car because it's too small and we can't maneuver her by ourselves. So we called an ambulance and had her taken back to the ER. She's currently admitted but we don't know for how long. Hopefully a caseworker or social worker will call us today to see what we can do.

My problem is what this whole thing is doing to my husband. Both of his parents growing up were abusive, but his mom was the "safe" parent (i.e., she didn't physically abuse him like his dad, but was manipulative and emotionally abusive), so he still clings to her. She has absolutely zero regard for how exhausted he is. She will routinely call my husband from the SNF or hospital in the middle of the night and demand that he come see her because she is uncomfortable in bed and is getting impatient waiting on the nurses. Visiting hours were over at 8:00pm at the SNF and we wouldn't be able to get to her, but she would still call at midnight and beg and cry for him to come move her. Not that she missed him, not that she was lonely and scared, she was just uncomfortable. It's important to note that my husband doesn't drive, so he would either have to walk in the cold over 20 blocks just to move her in bed, or I would have to drive him when I should be getting sleep for work. He would explain this to her and she wouldn't care. She would fight with him for 20 minutes and then say "Oh, okay, I guess you don't love me" and hang up.

I know she's not an evil person, but she is quite literally killing my husband with how she treats him and how exhausting of an environment she is creating. He is at his wits end and crying every night, but he feels that he can't abandon her because she raised him and he doesn't want to be a monster. What's worse is that he is very aware of how she treats him, and has told me several times that when she gets home and settled, he intends to be done with her. I know this won't happen though. I want so badly for him to leave her behind because he is tearing himself apart for someone who doesn't care about anyone except herself. I understand that she wasn't the most abusive of the two parents, but she did a lot of irreparable damage.

He is almost 30 and hasn't been able to find a solid career because she is so demanding of his time. He is in debt because she put utility bills in his name at a young age and couldn't pay the bills. His credit is shot for the same reason. We aren't even legally married because he doesn't want to tie me to his mountain of debt he can't even begin to pay off. She never let him have a life of his own, because his whole life has to be spent taking care of her.

I'm so tired of watching this happen. And I know it's selfish, but I'm also tired of being roped into this. I'm tired of being out into the wee hours of the morning picking him up from the hospital, using all of our free time on weekends doing shopping for her, not seeing him for days at a time because he has to take care of her. I feel horrible. I try to help as much as I can, but I'm also under a lot of my own stress with a new job and still being in school full-time, and sometimes I snap at him, which isn't fair.

I just want this to end. I want him to have his own life. I want to get married for real. I want him to stop beating himself in the ground for this woman who doesn't care. I want us to start our life together. I'm so tired.

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iphonegreys · 2 years

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Still a sleep and undisturbed

Still a sleep and undisturbed full#

Still a sleep and undisturbed trial#

In particular, your ability to remember anything new. One of the things that suffer most when you lose out on sleep is your memory. (By knowing what to look out for, we can spot and manage each aspect better). And given what sleep scientists have found, you may not even recognize that you’re suffering from these right now! It doesn’t make for fun reading, but it’s important to know what we’re missing out on when we’re pushing ourselves to burn the candle at both ends. What Happens When We Only Get 6 Hours of Sleep?īelow I’ve collated a list of things that happen when we don’t sleep. Missing out on 2 hours a night might not sound a lot, but it definitely adds up. 6 hours might be enough to make you feel ‘normal’, but based on countless scientific studies – 6 hours isn’t giving your mind and body enough time to keep you the healthiest and happiest you can be. Unless you’re within the ultra-rare category of people who need less sleep, then no, 6 hours of sleep a day is not enough. That low-level exhaustion becomes their accepted norm, or baseline. With chronic sleep restriction over months or years, an individual will actually acclimate to their impaired performance, lower alertness, and reduced energy levels. In other words – ‘you do not know how sleep-deprived you are when you are sleep deprived’. As the renowned sleep scientist Matthew Walker writes in his book Why We Sleep: This might be because of developing a new baseline. So why do so many people believe they have this super power? I don’t know about you, but at least 1 in 5 people I know are convinced they’re ‘doing just fine’ on 6 hours sleep. If you think about all of the people you’ve ever met in your life, maybe one of them is in this category. That is less than 0.01% of the population who don’t need 8 hours of sleep every night. However, that number is 1 in 12,000 people who only need 6 hours. Granted, it’s true that some lucky people don’t feel as much of the effects of not sleeping. Maybe all of these people are blessed with not needing sleep. Supposedly, President Trump gets by on just 4-5 hours, while famed entrepreneur Elon Musk spends ‘120 hours’ a week working – tweeting at 2.32am that ‘sleep is not an option’.

Still a sleep and undisturbed full#

From ambitious friends to business leaders – just about everyone seems to think they don’t need a full night’s rest. …is one of the biggest lies told by people today. Keep your puppy active and healthy by checking out our blog: Agility Lessons.‘I get by just fine on 6 hours sleep a night’ They will get use to your sleep schedule, although it might be frustrating the first few nights.įollowing these tips will help your pup become a well-behaved member of the family!

Still a sleep and undisturbed trial#

Patience: Creating a puppy sleep routine takes some trial and error.

Interactive games or walks around the park are great for letting your pup release energy.

Burn off excess energy: Puppies need plenty of physical and mental exercises.

You can also check out some tips from our blog, Is Your Puppy Bored? Keep any kids in the house from playing with the puppy, so they don’t get too excited and can fall asleep easier.

Make the environment sleep friendly: Make sure to give your puppy some quiet time in their crate or bed.

Puppies don’t always want to go to sleep, but you can follow these tips to help your puppy get the sleep he needs. The crate/kennel cover will provide privacy and comfort for your pup during his naps. Through positive reinforcement, you can teach your puppy to love their kennel or crate as their own personal and safe place. Make sure his bed or crate is clean, so your puppy can feel safe and comfortable. This will help them fall asleep faster and they’ll be able to rest better.Īlthough young puppies tend to not sleep through the night, you should still start establishing this routine at an early age. After some time, he will recognize that spot as his safe place.ĭuring the night, always take your puppy out to relieve themselves before going to bed. If he seems drowsy and ready for a nap, guide him to his crate, bed, or wherever you’ve made his sleeping space. You should always encourage him to nap in his safe place: a crate or a bed. He’s going to nap several times during the day. Establish a sleep routine:ĭuring the daytime you should leave your puppy undisturbed. Puppies need a lot of sleep, usually 15 to 20 hours a day! They might seem like bundles of energy, but sleep is essential for a healthy growth and development.

#Still a sleep and undisturbed

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lowestechelonabomination · 3 years

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It's time for part 2 of my BSD sleep schedule analysis (Electric Boogaloo) (Port Mafia edition):

-Chuuya: sleep deprived, overworked, exhausted. Being the PM's strongest fighter and an exec, he's constantly being given more groups to fight, people to kill, and reports to write. Probably doesn't get many breaks either. He has a large salary and spends it on a lot of fancy things, but he really just doesn't have the time to admire them. He probably has all of his possessions spread across a lot of different apartments/safe houses and doesn't really have just one to call his home since he's always on the move. He probably only gets around 3 hours of sleep on average but never gets the chance to crash from exhaustion, and so just kinda has to live with the feeling of about-to-pass-out. On the occasion he does get an actual break that isn't a free hour or two to spend talking to colleagues at a bar he just collapses on a couch with some wine and sleeps for as long as he can, though Kouyou will drag him out for spa days every few weeks or so. Gravity manipulation seems very tiring as well, so he definitely has a lot of exhaustion-induced physical pain (from muscle sores and the like) on top of being mentally drained all the time. Add that to existential crises and never feeling human and you get a certified mess

-Akutagawa: give! him! a! break! too! Rather than having a huge workload, he probably gives himself extra things to do in order to avoid feeling weak and worthless. He's conditioned himself into believing that any moment not spent doing "useful things" makes him completely weak, so he forces himself to constantly fight. He's extremely sleep deprived and exhausted but refuses to receive help because he also views that as "succumbing to weakness". His physical health is already not great, so he probably ends up in the infirmary frequently because he just straight up collapsed during a mission after not sleeping for two days. He probably overthinks everything at night, so hello insomnia! leave him alone. Akutagawa also probably neglects things like eating and maintaining his health simply because he forgets from always fighting, and, if it weren't for Gin (and the other Black Lizard members) he'd not even be functioning. Probably only sleeps for like 5 hours a week and has permanent, chronic brain fog and fatigue from everything he does. Relies on Rashoumon to fight so much because he himself is too physically weak to fight. Probably also uses Rashoumon as a hidden support to keep himself upright. Tea is his main source of caffeine, but he will chug energy drinks if he deems it necessary. Overall, just,,, give him a break, forcefully (PS I actually have a fic on this exact thing if you want to read it)

-Kouyou: mildly sleep deprived, but mostly normal. Likes having me-time frequently, and so has most of her fatigue eased by things like spas. Gets around 6 hours of sleep most of the time, 8-11 on free days, but will pull an all-nighter or two whenever she needs to. I really don't know enough about her subordinates, but she probably trusts them to take care of things themselves and is rarely called into action

-Mori: being the PM Boss probably means he gets a lot of work and negotiations to sort through, but he generally takes care of it quickly enough. He prefers delegating the work to others rather than doing it himself, so he has a lot of time on his hands to just kinda...do whatever, I guess? I'd assume he gets like 5-8 hours of sleep generally, so he's probably fine for the most part

-Hirotsu: he is tired. Having to take care of so many unruly teenagers over the years couldn't have been healthy for him at all. Cigarettes ease the exhaustion a bit for him, but not by much. He drinks a lot of fine teas and coffee to stay functional. He frequently has to stop Black Lizard members from doing stupid things, like Higuchi recklessly pursuing Akutagawa, Gin trying to stab Tachihara, etc. Any time Tachihara calls him Gramps he ages 50 years. He just wants to go home

-Higuchi: one day she discovered caffeine and has never stopped drinking it since then. She's pretty much always hyped up on energy drinks or coffee in order to work as much as she can to prove that she isn't useless, and also to distract herself from negative thoughts. She got tired of spending so much time wallowing around in the dark of her bedroom so she decided to invest in tons of caffeine to the point where she's basically vibrating with energy at all times. She also needs a break, please give her a break

-Gin: most of her missions are at night, so she mostly sleeps during the day, or just whenever she can. Generally isn't as tired, but she lives with Akutagawa (who is a mess), so she received fatigue by osmosis. Really just fed up with how pointlessly self-destructive her brother is and is considering locking him inside a room with a bunch of pillows and nothing to do except for sleeping for two days straight. Frequently has nightmares when asleep. She's a mafioso, but the years of blood staining her hands keep her up with guilt

-Tachihara: I still haven't really read the manga so I don't even know what to put for this, but I'd assume he also has a caffeine addiction and sleeps for maybe 5 hours a day

-Q: no sleep, constant nightmares, afraid of closing their eyes and having to see what their mind throws at them. Most of their time is spent curled around their doll on the cold floor of the cage they're kept in. please,,,,just save them,,,,,,

-Kajii: thinks he invented super caffeine and convinced himself he doesn't need sleep to survive (he does). Will stay up for days on end making bombs or whatever it is he does and then abruptly collapse. Doesn't see anything wrong with this and believes that it's just a side effect of so much science (it isn't). He's both really smart and really stupid but everyone's too scared of being blown up to say anything to him

#bsd #bsd sleep schedule analysis #port mafia #bsd headcanons #all of them are sleep deprived but are we really surprised?#bsd chuuya #bsd akutagawa #bsd kouyou #bsd mori #bsd hirotsu #bsd higuchi #bsd gin #bsd tachihara #bsd q #bsd yumeno kyuusaku #bsd kajii #bungou stray dogs #character analysis

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ivanabaqero · 3 years

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Since I just returned from rehab, here is my.. idk, emotional journey on my chronic illness + mental health or wtf ever u wanna call this. This is the most personal thing I have ever posted but I need to get it out.

Before you read, I guess I gotta tw this for suicidal thoughts and descriptions of my symptoms.

I don’t even know where to start. It feels like all of this happened in one week and at the same in a span of several years. But no idea, time just kept passing and more shit happened.

Last summer was pretty cool. I worked hard and made a fuckton of money - not really considering the consequences of the fact that I overstepped the boundaries of my body every single day. Either way, I regret nothing it was pretty cool and another experience I am glad I could make. Well, but when I came back home, I started to notice a few things. Among some weird shit nobody wants to know about, I noticed a change of my eyesight. There was a cloud right on the vision on my left eye and it got blurry. At first, it started with minutes and then it passed. But I knew my body responded to exhaustion in an odd way so I let it slide. As doctors have instructed me, only when it lasts over 24 hours it’s an actual episode/flare and I should go to the ER -- to elaborate this further, I have been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2015 and have not had any bigger flares since, only the regular symptoms like fatigue, etc.

I got treated with the regular medication; cortisone. This shit gave me some energy boost for a few days and then, things went back to somewhat normal. The blurry thing in my eye has changed into a weird ass thing called nystagmus. Basically, my eyeball was twitching. It was better than the blurry sight and my doctors told me that physical therapy was the only thing to help me with that, and up until some weeks ago this didn’t stop, at the moment it’s gotten way better though - a relief because that caused me mad headache and made reading really difficult.

Anyway, that was the smaller problem. A few months later, in December around Christmas, I have gotten really weak and have been constantly dizzy. As usual, I let it slide for some days. Up until that point when I couldn’t move from the bed or look at anything else but right up at the ceiling or I would get fucking dizzy. Back to the ER again, the same procedure began. Cortisone resulted in a massive push of energy that lasted for some days, but after that, all the symptoms slowly returned. Not only that, but it started to get worse. I have been dragging and limping with my left foot since months but I still managed somehow to walk and get around. In January I had a major panic attack when I noticed that I couldn’t walk on my own to my doctors, which is merely an 8 minute walk away. I had to call my mom to bring me back home because I couldn’t go any step more. My doctor sent me to the ER but the next day, I decided that I was fine and being over dramatic and everything was perfectly fine. The whole thing kept getting worse, I could not walk anymore, I kept feeling dizzy all the time unless I was staring at only one spot: my laptop or phone. So that was what I did, ignore my symptoms. Adding to my chronic fatigue, dizziness, inability to walk and my eye problem, a sensitivity problem spread all over my body from the chest downwards. My hands hurt and my fingers cramped up and got stiff, I lost all feeling in my feet. I had an appointment at the neurologist thank god, or else, I would have let it gotten worse and kept telling myself that I am being over dramatic and nothing is actually wrong. Delusional? Maybe. I don’t understand myself there either.

The neurologist decided to keep me in hospital for a whole ass week, getting cortisone every day. I got in there with the ambulance in a wheelchair and left out of there walking again. Not perfectly, but I thought things were looking up. Of course, once the high dose of steroids begins to wear off and you slowly come down from it, you first catch sleep. Steroids this time have been given to me five days in high dose instead of three and in addition, I had to take pills that I had to reduce slowly over another two weeks. I did not sleep in those three weeks more than 3-4 hours per night and then I finally could. To make this more understandable; my brain was tired but my body was buzzing. I also had a tremor that has still not entirely left me as a wonderful side effect from the medication.

That time stationary they finally put me back in a MRT and found 2 bigger new lesions. One of them in my cerebellum and the other in my spinal cord. Each of them causing me all those massive problems. Back at home I had physical therapy every day, but despite all of it, I had to rely on a wheelchair. I got my wheelchair in march and named him Otto because he is the best man ever. Next time in hospital, I was mentally and physically just fucking done and tried to just ignore how much my mental health was going downhill along with my body, the neurologist offered me stationary rehab at a very well known center where they treat several physical as well as mental illnesses. I said yes, and luckily got a place in July.

The initial plan was to stay there for four weeks, but the doctors suggested to extend to six. I did. And good that I did. I made slow progress. Very slow. To imagine, in twenty minutes at the first day I could barely walk 130m with four breaks in between, with walking aid and what not - and my last day I made 640m in the same time with no breaks. I know this doesn’t sound like a lot but fuck -- I made it out of a fucking wheelchair. I am walking again. Not perfectly or any good, but my legs are used for their purpose again; to get me through this world. For someone who loves hiking and going for little walks alone, this was such a big deal to just not be able to anymore.

The day I had the panic attack was the day I realized that in 2015 I made a promise to myself that if I ever have to rely on other people, I would end it. But I felt selfish for not wanting to end it. I felt selfish for wanting to live and being a burden to people. I know, none of this is my fault and I am the first to give good advice, but am I good at handling my own shit? Absolutely not.

With all the physical therapy I did for six weeks every day, I also had a psychologist that helped me understand myself better and deal with the trauma this experience brought me. I have to find another psychologist at home as well, because I didn’t feel the one I have helped me at all. I had to make a lot of promises to myself, such as accepting and asking for help and that it’s no shame in doing so. I feared losing my independence and I still do. But fuck, this experience was an eye opener in so many ways. I made new friends in rehab as well, which was one of the coolest things. And I got hit on by two attractive men - can you believe? I was in a wheelchair, dressed like absolute shit and not making any kind of deal of how I look! But yeah, my interest wasn’t really there to get involved in anything. I’ve got a lot of love to give but I need to give it to myself rather than pour it out on someone else.

I learned so many lessons, about my body and about my mind. My brain is an idiot and I have so many fears I was never even able to see until now. I thought optimism could beat everything and well... while it helps me a lot to get through every day life, every now and then I just need a slap in the face to look at things in another light. Not everything is fine if you tell yourself it is, no, you are not over reacting and you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself when life is dealing you a bad card. It doesn’t matter that other people have it worse -- it doesn’t mean your own shit is any less valid. And with that, I am going to wash my face and stop crying. I am still in a shock of reality state because I am back at home now and everything is different. And I got to admit, I feel a little lonely. But I don’t want to reach out to my old friends at the moment with whom I felt like the “sick friend”. I want more friends in similar positions as me so I don’t have to feel bad for... well, feeling bad, and I don’t want to hear any more optimism monologues from healthy people who have absolutely no idea what it is like to have chronic pain, fatigue and overall; an illness. Whether it be mental or physical.

If you really read all of this, thank you. There was no need to, but I appreciate it. I honestly just needed to let it out. Because I haven’t done so properly since all of that started.

#shush vanana #uhh #no tags i am lazy

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batmansymbol · 4 years

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fellow ADHD/chronic sleep issue friends: try SleepTown

Hey everybody! Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to spread the good word of this app, which has actually, legitimately changed my life. (this post isn’t sponsored lmao i wish)

I’ve had sleep problems for half my life. Around 8th grade, I lost the ability to make myself shut down for the night. I’d sit in front of devices, wanting to stop working or studying or messing around on the internet, but I couldn’t make myself. This was about ten years before I learned what “executive dysfunction” was, and about 13 years before I got diagnosed with ADHD, go figure.

So, when I was a student, I’d pass out at 4 AM, then wake up every morning feeling like I’d been hit by a truck. It was a running joke in college how I would sleep in public places, trying to snatch 15-minute naps here and there because of exhaustion.

After college, it got worse. I’m self-employed, so I stopped waking up in the morning at all. I worked until later and later times, until 3, 5, 7 AM. I woke up at 2 PM, then 4, then 6. Eventually, fully nocturnal and trying to reset my inner clock, I’d pull all-nighters and try to stay awake through the following days. Then I’d pass out for 14 hours, after being awake for 30 hours straight. Rinse, repeat, for years.

Due to sleep issues, I have: nearly driven off the road in high school, dropped classes in college, fallen into depressive episodes, developed a Vitamin D deficiency, gone days without eating, and lost friendships due to self-isolation. It’s been a blast!

I tried so many things to fix the constant grogginess, fatigue, and messed-up schedule. I tried a sleep study at the hospital, repeated blood tests to check for hypothyroid or anemia etc., melatonin, Zzzquil/other sleeping pills, the “multiple non-phone alarm clocks” strategy, a light-emitting alarm clock, and about six different apps, including that one that makes you solve math problems to shut the alarm off.

There’s one called Sleep Cycle that’s pretty good at what it does - it helped me feel less groggy when I woke up - but within a few days of starting it, I was back on my bullshit.

Then, about a month and a half ago, I downloaded an app called SleepTown. It costs two dollars. The concept: you set a goal for your nightly sleep parameters (mine is 12:15 PM to 8:45 AM). Before you go to bed, you hit the Sleep button.

After you hit Sleep, a construction site pops up and begins to build a cute cartoon building like the one above! If you leave the app after pressing Sleep, or if you don’t press Sleep before your bedtime, then the building is destroyed, leaving a sad-looking demolition project :(

So, you have to leave your phone alone. The next morning, the alarm goes off as scheduled. When you press “Wake Up,” and shake the phone for a minute to prove you are awake, the cute cartoon building will be completed and added to your Sleep Town! This is mine so far:

The app has various game-like features. You don’t know which building you’re going to get every night, so when you wake up, it’s like unwrapping a present. There are dozens of cute buildings to unlock, and achievement badges like building every kind of tent. Every seven days you meet your goal, you get a red ticket to help unlock a rare building (like the red-roofed library in the picture above).

There’s also a simple social feature. The pyramid in the pic is from me being in a Sleep Circle with a friend, meaning we have the same bedtime goals. This would be especially good for a couple who’s trying to get more regular sleep.

Despite the gamelike feel, though, it’s not an addictive app. It’s not designed to keep you fiddling around with it all the time and waste more time on your phone. It’s just gamelike enough to create a really good carrot/stick balance. Most sleep-related apps are only the stick, featuring louder or more relentless alarms - but that doesn’t make you excited to go to sleep on time.

This app makes sleeping feel like a fun, purposeful activity. I want to see which building I get, and it makes me really happy to see this town that I’ve been constructing through taking care of myself. And I don’t want to “let down” a building by destroying it.

It’s borderline ridiculous how dramatically my entire life has changed. Excepting a couple times I’ve stayed up for a social situation, I haven’t been awake past 1 a.m. for six weeks. I cannot believe how good I feel. I eat regularly. I have a meal plan and a calendar. I have hobbies and a work-life balance and I stick to (virtual, covid-responsible) hangouts that I make with friends.

It’s not totally failsafe. You CAN lie to the app and press “Sleep” while continuing to do things (except your phone, which will be locked down). I tried to do this a couple times. But I wound up feeling guilty about lying, because it felt stupid to want this little reward when I hadn’t actually met my goals.

In the same way, you CAN technically hit “Wake Up” and go back to sleep, but the shake-awake feature helps with that. I’d like it if they added something even more aggressive, like a step counter or something that won’t count you as Woken Up until you’ve taken 20 steps around your house or similar.

As it is, though -- I'm still groggy when I wake up at 8:45, but 1) keeping a regular schedule has lessened the grogginess and 2) when I wake up, I know for a fact I’ve gotten 7-8 hours of sleep the night before and I’ll feel fine in half an hour. So, in order to push past the groggy phase, I usually play a few chess puzzles on my phone or do a crossword, and by then I’m awake enough to get up.

I doubt this app will work for everyone, but I wanted to share it in case there is anyone else out there like me. Hope y’all are hanging in there, and happy sleeping :)

#adhd #sleep #executive dysfunction #feel free to reblog to potentially help ur sleep deprived friends!!!!!!!!!!#long post #looooong post #personal #about me

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highwaydiamonds · 3 years

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Um. Excuse me. You had cancer??

Yeah... I mean I guess I really haven't discussed it much on tumblr. I have a little bit, but only in vague ways, or rarely made veiled references in tags.

SO, get a drink, get a snack, because this is a bit of a saga, and you already know I am longwinded at the best of times. I'm going to do like Vizzini said, and go back to the beginning. I hope you're ok I'm making this public Shells, it seems easier to? And I'll put this behind a cut because I really do wax on ( and on).

It's the end of August 2018 and i appear to have gotten some kind cold/respiratory infection. I'm at work the first day of it and it feels like a cold. No big deal. (Also this is all pre-COVID so no I didn't have COVID). The next day I feel really awful, so I call off work, and figure all I need to do is rest and I'll be ok. Turns out, NOPE. The next day I feel worse- now I can tell I have a bit of a fever, my appetite was basically, " eat one baby carrot and my appetite is exhausted." Finally, I get to the point that I am having trouble lying down - as in I am becoming short of breath when I try to lie flat (sorry if I am using the wrong word - lay/lie was always a grammar issue that eluded me.) So, I decide, ok, i will be sensible girl and go get medical attention. But I am stubborn and feel the ER is overreacting, so I go to urgent care. i park in the front row of urgent car parking, but by the time I reach the intake desk I have to put my head down because I am so winded and a bit lightheaded.

They take one look at me and tell me, point blank, "we're getting a squad for you to take you to the ER." I say, " what? no, I don't need that, this is not that big a deal." They counter, " you could barely walk in the door and you you are having significant trouble breathing. We don't have the ability to see you here." So, for the first time in my life I have to go via ambulance from urgent care to a free standing ER.

I get to the ER - where they decide, OK, lady, you're a mess. Let's get some chest x-rays and we're gonna slap some IV fluids and I can't even recall if they immediately put me on IV antibiotics or not. But after two hours there they informed me, " hey.... So, we think you need to go to the hospital-hospital not the freestanding ER." I tell them well you better hand me my laptop ( I'm that bitch who takes the laptop with her juuuuust in case I am stuck in the hospital. you never know.) Because i am not going to a hospital until I figure out if they're in my health plan. I do so and then for the second time in my life, all in one night because sometimes I am an over achiever i guess, I go via ambulance to the hospital.

They admitted me and over the next few/couple/ hours ( it was hard to tell) I progressively felt worse. I had trouble breathing if I didn't sit absolutely straight up, and at that point I hadn't gotten good sleep for around 60 hours or so. Me being me I started to get teary and panicky, because I was so tired and wasn't sure what to do. I called for the nurse and she came in and then within the next half hour your girl got taken down to the ICU. By the time we arrived down in the ICU I was really getting panicky. My mom died in the ICU ( different hospital but still) and I knew the fact they took me down there was no laughing matter. I started to think about, " ok is this what death is like? this isn't what i thought it was going to be - this is panicky and scary and not all white lights and peace."

The next thing I knew - it was two days later, and I woke up intubated. Did you know that you can be conscious and intubated? I did not. I'll speed things up a bit here. I spent a total of 8 days in the ICU - I had one hell of a case of pneumonia, and there were a couple of other diagnoses thrown in ( nope, not cancer. promise, we will get there.) . The nurses I had were AMAZING. I was intubated for about 6 of those 8 days. Then I got weaned off of it. Funniest moment on the ventilator: Physical therapist comes around and says, " Hey let's get you up and walking, you think you can?" I nodded and shrugged my shoulders to try and communicate, " sure, ok!" It went totally fine, but there were nursing students, residents, other doctors and who knows who else looking out of rooms and over desks at the two of us just y'know... *walking down the hall*. I gestured to the people because it was just flipping weird. I had an audience at the exact time NOBODY wants an audience and it confused the hell out of me. PT advised me, " there aren't too many times ventilated patients are ambulatory. You're a bit of a curiosity so people want to see."

Once I got out of the ICU and was put back on a regular floor, I got to meet with other doctors re those other diagnoses I mentioned ( chronic things I just have to manage) I also mentioned that it had been a really long time since I had been to a GYN and as had been noted in the ICU I spotted quite frequently ( I have never, ever in my life been regular period-wise and it just got weirder over time, but I just didn't really consider it. So I asked while they were setting me up with new practitioners ( my previous doctor had retired) too please set me top with a gynecologist.

So I'm out of the hospital by September 10th, 2018. The gyro appointment occurs i want to say by mid- to late September. I go in and meet her and she's lovely. While I'm up on the table she says, " hey let's do all the things and get a uterine biopsy!" I say, " excellent, do the things!" We agree it's likely going to be nothing but hey we're smart people and we will play it safe. Huzzah Gyno visit accomplished! (if I were a gamer I'd make some kind of ladybits achievement unlocked now, but I'm not a gamer.)

Two or so weeks go by - or however long it takes to get those test results back (some of these spans are lost in the mists of time). Dr Boyle calls me and apologizes that the test results that she was sure would be nothing... they are not nothing. Turns out, it's endometrial cancer.

At that point you could have knocked me over with a feather. Shells, I wanted my mom to be there so badly, I can't even express it. She would have understood how I felt - she'd been there with her breast cancer. But at the same time, I was glad she wasn't there? I remember how heartsick my mom was to tell Grandmommy when Mom got cancer. I didn't want my mom to have to hear that news, to worry about that. Dr Boyle advised me that she would be referring me to a good oncologist and i should hear from them in a week or two.

Thus began MRIS and PET scans and ultrasounds, and blood work etc. The oncologist diagnosed that he figured I might be stage three, but it depended on my lymph involvement. It brought back memories of when Mom was diagnosed and when she told me she was stage three. I asked my Dad later, "what does that mean?" He told me, " there are only four stages, so what do you think?" This time around I knew what it meant. So, we put me down for surgery November 9th, 2018. That's two days before my birthday - so I joked that I was getting my cancer out for my birthday - hooray! My best friend actually flew in from texas for my surgery ( my best friend is a SAINT, and I love her more than pearls and rubies.)

Best surgery story from this experience: For my total hysterectomy (uterus and ovaries go sayonara and then also two signal lymph nodes in the chain of nodes on either side of the pelvis to se if there is any lymph complication.) I had to be tilted back - so with my head down to move as many organs away from the uterus etc during the laparoscopic procedure. I knew this going in, However, when I woke up back in my hospital room I looked at Bestie and said, " I hurt in places I didn't expect to hurt. Oh wait. My shoulders hurt because they're not used to being weight bearing, but the procedure was laproscopic - so why the heck does my vagina hurt?" Bestie in one of her best moments ever says, " I know why." I replied, " wait, YOU know why MY vagina hurts?!" She said, " yep. So your surgery was supposed to take 3-3.5 hours ended up taking 5 hours instead. Your uterus was really big. The oncologist told us they need up having to cut it in half to pull it out of you." bestie admitted she joked with the oncologist that it was like I had just birthed a baby, he looked back at her (NOT laughing) and said, " yes, that's basically what she did." I laughed so much at that ( i mean i was also well medicated, but still) I told Bestie, " I had a Uterus! Let's call it George!" ( In retrospect I am disappointed in myself that I misgendered my own uterus, I should have called it Georgina.)

So, after healing from the surgery, by about January of 2019 I started two courses (each with a few rounds) of chemo. First came what the doctors and I called "low-pro" chemo - that we did along with radiation. Honestly, though i was making a heck of a lot more bathroom trips, you wouldn't have generally known I was sick. Most of my coworkers had no idea. I just was a bit more tired than usual. After the low pro rounds - then we moved to the bigger guns. Radiation was done but I moved to more significant chemo drugs, This wasn't because things were bad - this was the plan all along :) But I knew the "high-pro" chemo was going to make me lose my hair. THAT was a psychic struggle. I cried so much knowing that was going to happen. I got hats and caps and I even got a very nice wig. I mean, I planned as much as a girl can plan when she hears that news. I even preemptively cut my long hair. It was about half way down my back at that point. So I went in and asked the stylist please braid it and put it in between two hair ties - and then cut it - so i could keep my braid. I couldn't do locks of love anyway as it was colored, and I know it's selfish, but I wanted my hair. So, the hair went from half down my back to a face framing bob. then I just waited. And then in a few weeks it happened. I could put my hands through my hair and easily, painlessly pull it out. I am not a cute bald girl. That's when people KNOW you have something going on.

I was very lucky though, there ended up NOT being lymph involvement, and even the high pro chemo didn't make me nauseous or lose appetite. I did have HORRIBLE bone pain usually the first week after chemo ( i'd get it every three weeks). I learned a hell of a lot from that. I also was able to get some meds to help alleviate it a bit, and I took time from work when the pain was at its worst. But I have never experienced pain like that - where no matter what I did - no position changes helped. Even ice packs or heat pads didn't help or do much. It was just a waiting game, a painful waiting game. Oh also - I learned that IV benadryl is nothing like oral benadryl. IV benadryl is like walking right into a brick wall made of sleep. That stuff knocked me the hell out right quick - amazing.

Right before COVID started and the world shut down I got the flu because my immune system was in the toilet- and so I spent another week in the hospital and except for the bone pain that comes with chemo, you know what is worse than chemo injections? POTASSIUM injections. Among other things, my potassium levels were low and so I got those injections with other meds. Those suckers HURT. they BURN, and so i spent a week in the hospital only to eventually come out and find out the world was starting to shut down from COVID. Not my job at that point, but my oncologist told me, " GO HOME - YOU KNOW YOU ARE IMMUNO COMPROMISED - DON'T STAY AT WORK." So, I went home until about a month after I finished chemo.

Since finishing chemo it's been about scans, which have gone ok so far... I'm not willing to talk about the R word. I just think I'll have to be careful the rest of my life - My mom always said, "once you've gotten cancer, you always have cancer." So, maybe it's the anxiety talking, but it's kind of like waiting for the other cancer shoe to drop. In the mean time though, it's business as usual - try to find good stuff in the midst of the hot mess. Cancer has been a crisis but not a reason to lose my sense of humor. I've needed it more than ever :)

So, sorry for the SERIOUSLY LONG ASS answer, but sometimes it's just better to lay it bare. I'm not ashamed of this stuff. It's been a lot. It's been a journey... It still is... it's part of the rest of my journey, which i hope isn't over by a long shot yet. I don't believe things happen for reasons - the world is WAY too absurd for that in my opinion, BUT good gravy have i been able to learn so much from this whole three ring circus. I'm not grateful for cancer, but I am grateful for the lessons.

Thanks for checking in, Shells. You're a complete sweetheart.

#the r word is remission #cancer funtimes #i really didn't let many people know tbh #not just online #i didn't tell one of my two remaining family members for months #i have very good friends who knew and friends who are like family that supported me #i know it's crazy to say i'm lucky - but i am. i so am.#and if anyone read all of this - you definitely deserve a hug and several cookies. if i had cookies to give i would but i just have hugs

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wonderstvrs · 4 years

Text

2 AM Essays | Bakugou Katsuki x Reader

In which Reader stays up to finish an essay, but Bakugou steps in.

WORD COUNT: 1,375 words

WARNINGS: Explicit Swearing, Reader is Gender Neutral

You really hated being such a chronic procrastinator. You’d think that after how stressful your first year at UA was for you that you’d learn how to stop putting off your schoolwork until the last minute. But here you were at 2 AM, frantically trying to finish a five-page essay.

It didn’t help that you were exhausted from your work-study. There had been an incident during patrol that required your intervention. By the end of it, you were sore and—judging from the pounding in your head—had overused your Quirk. You should be resting—as your mentor had strictly ordered you to do—but this essay had other plans for you.

Right now, it was being a brat and refusing to cooperate. You stare at the document in front of you, eyes bleary, and threatening to droop. You’ve been writing for hours, that was at least three pages, right? You check your word count: 2 ½ pages.

You let your head fall back into the couch cushion and groan in frustration. At this point, you’re not even sure if you can even form a coherent thought, let alone write another sentence about some Pre-Quirk war.

“What the hell are you doing up, dumbass?”

You pause the curse you were sending whoever invented essays to turn your heard to the direction of the voice. Bakugou Katsuki stood at the bottom of the stairs, arms crossed, and a scowl on his face. Even in your sleep-deprived state, you couldn’t help but ogle at his arms. Thank the gods for this man’s obsession with tank-tops.

“Oh, hey, Bakugou.” You manage to tear your eyes away from his bulging biceps to greet him. “What—”

Your brain short circuits. You have no idea what you were going to say, but you don’t really care because Bakugou had bed hair. You didn’t think your embarrassing crush on him could get any stronger. But, here he was, standing in front of you with bed hair and the most endearing scowl on his face.

“Spit it out, dumbass,” he snaps at you. You blink at him, which only seems to irritate him further. “What the hell are you doing being loud at 2 AM?”

Damn, so you did wake him up.

“Sorry.” You lift your laptop into his view. “Trying to finish Snipe’s World War I essay.”

He’s quiet for a moment. You’ve been friends with him long enough to know that he’s trying to think of the words to say. You marvel at how much he’s changed over the past year. While he was still the same crude and short-tempered Bakugou that you met in 1st year, the months he spent in therapy following the fight with Shigaraki had mellowed him out. He now thought twice before he spoke and took the time to formulate thoughtful responses to delicate situations.

“You’re a fucking idiot.”

And then sometimes he says shit like that. You scowl at him, mood even worse than before.

“Thanks, you didn’t have to remind me.” You turn back around, focusing your eyes on your laptop. Crush or not, he really pissed you off sometimes. “You can go back to bed. I promise I’ll be quiet.”

You stare at the last sentence that you wrote, not comprehending anything. You’re contemplating just pressing random keys and hoping they form a sentence when Bakugou pulls the laptop away from you. What the hell? When did he get there? And also—

“Hey! Give it back!” You stand up, trying to take the laptop back from him. You’re a little sluggish, probably because of the lack of sleep, which leaves you helpless as he saves your work and turns off your laptop. “Bakugou, that’s due tomorrow!”

“Yeah, in 5th period, which is after lunch. You can do it then,” he says. He keeps the laptop away from your each. His other hand comes up to flick your forehead.

“You can’t get any work done fucking sleep-deprived, idiot.”

You pull a face, rubbing your forehead, “You’re so mean.”

He rolls his eyes at you, “That’s because you’re a fucking dumbass. Let’s go. It’s too fucking early for this.”

He turns away, heading up the stairs. You watch his retreating back, a warm feeling in your chest. Ugh, and just as you were telling yourself to get over him, he pulls shit like this.

“Are you fucking coming, or are you just gonna stand there like an idiot?” He calls from the top of the stairs.

“Yeah, yeah. Hold your horses.”

You gather the papers spread across the coffee table and follow him up. The elevator ride up to your floor is silent. You find that you don’t mind and take the opportunity to steal glances at him. You knew that he had just turned seventeen in April, but you could already see the traces of young adulthood in his face.

He had stubble growing in, barely noticeable because of how light his hair is, but there nonetheless. His jaw was so sharp that it could probably cut someone, and his face was becoming more defined. He must have noticed you staring because he looked over at you.

“What?” He asked. He looked just as tired as you did, which made sense. Of all the people that you knew, Bakugou was the only one who slept at 8 PM. Even Iida, their resident goody-goody, slept at 10 PM.

“Nothing,” you answered. He didn’t look like he believed you, but was probably too tired to push it.

He walks you to your door (you’re definitely gonna scream about this to Ochaco later), your laptop still under his arm. He doesn’t hand it to you even when you stop in front of your room.

“So, are you ever going to give my laptop back, or what?” You ask when he just stands there.

He doesn’t respond, looking like he wanted to say something, but he needed to think of the words first. You waited patiently, even if you wanted nothing more than to crash on your bed.

“You’re finishing this during lunch,” he finally says. You nod, trying to follow his train of thought.

“At the table,” he continues. You nod again. “With me.”

“Yes, Bakugou, of course. We sit at the same table.” You really don’t know where this conversation was going. He looked at you in exasperation, like he expected you to get what he was saying already.

“No, not with the other extras. With me, like alone. On another table.”

You blink. Your brain, running on its last battery percentage, is trying to process what he just said. He wanted you to finish the essay with him, on a table different from your usual, alone. Did he? Wait, oh my god. Did he mean like a study date?

Your face feels warm as the thought finally dawns on you. Oh my god, Bakugou wanted to have a study date with you. He must have seen the look of realization on your face because he turned red. He looked away pushing the laptop into your hand.

“Whatever. See you at lunch tomorrow, or not. I don’t care.” He put his hands into the pockets of his chairs and turns away, heading back to the elevator to head up to his room. Your brain is screaming at you to tell him something, but your mouth is a little slow on the uptake.

“Bakugou!” You call out. He stops but doesn’t turn. You feel the smile creeping up on your face, so wide that it threatens to split it in two, “I’d love to have a study date with you.”

You can’t see his face, but from the way the tips of his ears turn red, you know that he’s red again.

“Whatever,” he says before he walks briskly down the hallway. You don’t enter your room until you hear the elevator doors close. You can’t help the scream you let out in your pillow or the fast beating of your heart.

Bakugou just asked you out on a study date. It didn’t matter that he didn’t say it in those exact words, you knew from his reaction that he meant it.

As you drifted off to sleep, you thought, ‘Thank you whoever invented essays. I will never curse your name ever again.’

I finished writing this at 4:53 A.M. lmfaooo. Inspiration strikes at the weirdest times, I swear. Feel free to hmu if you want me to write something hehe.

#bnha x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #bakugo x reader #mine: bakugou katsuki

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martinvogt · 2 years

Text

Long-COVID and its impact on my daily life

With the end of the year approaching, I am reflecting back to a year which was not what I imagined.

I had none of the severe symptoms associated to COVIS-19 when I tested positive back in November 2020. I took a test after feeling a bit under the weather, headache and sudden loss of smell. After a few days of illness, after the isolation, I thought I was on the mend. I was wrong.

In mid January I developed new symptoms. From one day to the other, my energy and concentration levels were completely down. Walking outside for just 10 minutes was one of the hardest things to do, looking at a computer screen was (and still is) energy-draining. I became very unwell with even stronger headache, cognitive disorders, muscle pain, digestive problems to mention only a few of them. Optimistic as I was and with all the new years resolution set in stone, I figured this would only be temporary, next week, next month, in two/three months this would all be over and I would be my energetic self again.

Normally I am a very strategic and analytical thinker. But I was unable to manage complex information, to follow conversations and I was forgetting words. I had problems doing simple tasks and basic logic problems. I would normally do these easily. I was tired continuously. There were many days when I slept for 12 hours, yet when I woke up, I felt exhausted like I hadn’t slept at all. My body felt heavy. Every muscle ached. Alongside the fatigue, I developed other issues with sleep. Although I was sleeping for excessively long periods, I would have night terrors and wake up with my body paralysed. Sleeping remains an issue for me. My symptoms left me struggling and I could not return to work. It was really hard because I was in the first wave of sufferers and the impact was not understood.

For weeks, I went through cycles of feeling better, then getting worse again. As well as brain fog, memory loss, debilitating headaches and fatigue, I developed many other symptoms including heart palpitations: I could be sitting down watching television or going for a walk and suddenly I’d feel my heart racing.

A common frustration is that some medical doctors dismiss our complaints as psychological. My symptoms were initially put down to depression by my GP. Feeling like my health concerns were being dismissed, I insisted for a “Long-COVID consultation”, who’s clinic director diagnosed me with “Post- COVID-19 syndrome” and referred me to a long-COVID rehabilitation program.

Trying to stay positive

If 2021 was the number I was aiming for this year, my last few month in numbers reads a little differently. 382 (52 weeks) is the number of days I’ve had symptoms for; 22 is the number of Long-COVID symptoms I’ve had; 12 is the number of pills I’ve been taken; 8 is the number of doctors who gaslit me; 5 is the number of hospital/clinics I’ve visited.

If this seems like a story of loss, that’s certainly in there. What did I lose, alongside copious amounts of my hair? My identity as young, fit, and able. My coping mechanisms; achieving, exercising. The ability to stand up, talk or walk (especially up stairs). The ability to eat normally, drink coffee or alcohol, tolerate heat, cold, changes in temperature or any stress whatsoever. But this is also a story of gain, growth and gratitude. What did I gain, alongside multiple duzend and a strong prescription list of pills? An exciting array of letters to put to my name (not the acronyms your mother wants you to get): PEM, ME/CFS. Some less catchy words too – new daily persistent headache, Post-Exertional Malaise, chronic fatigue, syndrome, quips aside, I gained a profound sense of what I want my life to look like: what I value, what my red lines are. What I will give and what I won’t.

Debilitating illness can be the ultimate lesson in slowing down, in mindfulness – some times a slowly sipped cup of tea really is the highlight of your day. I have gained a deep understanding of the mind-body-spirit connection and a resonant understanding of trauma, what it is, what it does when it remains unprocessed. I am immensely grateful for so many things; for a family that has quite literally picked me up off the floor, for loving friends, family and supportive colleagues. For being able to advocate for myself, for being able to digest medical papers. For having the access to world leading medical specialists who have listened to me and supported me throughout this. I am particularly grateful for the ability to recognise the limits of conventional Western medicine which, whilst it excels at life saving surgery, at trauma resolution, at cutting edge scientific advances, falls so short with regards to many chronic conditions.

The Breakthrough

But my biggest breakthrough has been in marrying modern science with ancient wisdom, forming a personalised and holistic approach to health that encompasses mind, body, spirit and environment.

I had acupuncture, Physio & Ergo therapy weekly. I have taken the time to test and understand the effect of Traditional Chinese Medicine and psychotherapy weekly. I have taken the time to test and understand my unique combinations of environmental toxins, deficiencies and excesses and I try to practice breath-work and meditation daily.

There's a African proverb I carry with me: "Health is a crown worn by the well, seen only by the sick". When you lose your health, the thing that is most precious, you see what a gift it is to be able to eat the food you want, not having to hide how you feel at work, be present with your family and friends.

I've found a way to still have gratitude for my life, and use this experience as a vehicle to grow. To become the person I was always meant to be. When I experience a pain flare, I don't freak out. I re-regulate myself with the tools that I've learned throughout this journey and cultivate positive emotions that keep my morale up.

Fast-forward to August 2021 and I am working with very reduced pensum. On my days off I sleep for 9-10 hours just to catch up. I still have vivid, terrifying dreams. Before COVID-19, I’d only ever needed 7 hours sleep each night to feel refreshed.

Now, more than a year on from my initial infection, I am slowly recovering – although I am very far from being back to my ‘previous’ lifestyle. In the past few weeks, I feel fresh and sharp again, however my body rebels from time to time for no reason. I was finally able to return to run. I can only manage very short periods, but hey, here I go! I am learning to manage living with long-COVID. This means healthy eating, pacing myself, and incorporating lifestyle tips.

The hardest part of this journey is accepting that I now have an invisibly disability with up and downs.

Let’s try to stay positive and I hope that everyone stays healthy and safe during these sometimes, lonely and isolated days.

Please take care of yourselves and leave a comment if you life.

Martin Vogt

✭Explore. Dream. Discover.✭

www.martinvogt.ch

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trellanyx · 4 years

Note

your jonathan crane (who i love so very much) and numbers 1 through... oh, lets say 25 ;)

(Send me a character and a number)

Have I told you how much I love you lately, Lizard? Because I do. Oh yes I do. 😂

Word vomiting about my Jon in 3, 2, 1...

1) Something this character is truly proud of.

His work, of course. Not just the toxin, but the breadth of his knowledge, his experiments, his successes and vengeances. Jonathan is an expert in his field, and considering what he went through to get there he’s damn proud of it.

2) Who they want to please the most.

Jonathan Crane does not give a single solitary fuck about what anyone thinks of him. The only satisfaction he cares about is his own. Considering how high his standards are, that’s a big enough challenge already.

3) Who depends on them.

No one. Jon may make you think you need him if that serves his end goal, but other than that he keeps his distance. If you’re in a position where you actually depend on Jonathan Crane’s services, you’re fucked.

4) What they would do if they had one month to live.

Work feverishly to A) preserve his work and B) push it as far as it can go before his body betrays him. Jon would be pulling such long, intense hours that it’s quite possible he’d drop dead before the month was up from sheer exhaustion. If he doesn’t, then he takes his magnum opus and goes out with a hell of a bang.

5) A cherished personal belonging.

Nothing. He has things he likes more than most: a tortoiseshell watch, a spring-loaded gun, his sturdiest boots, his sharpest scythe - the whole fear gauntlet, actually, impractical as it was - but nothing he’d go as far as to say he cherishes. Everything Jon owns is expendable, and no matter how attached he might be to something, there’s nothing he wouldn’t chuck in a fire instantly if he needed to.

6) Something they lost, but would love to have back.

“Unlimited access to test subjects wrapped in a stable paycheck. Arkham’s much more fun on the other side of the straitjacket.”

7) This character’s favorite character

I give up. It’s been days. Days that this post has sat in my drafts while I tried to think of this asshole’s favorite character, and I’ve got nothing. I’ve come up with a couple of disparate headcanons involving Jon and fiction in general, but I have no answer for this one. I offer this as a placeholder: “He doesn’t have any because he’s a contrary and insufferable bastard.”

8) What kind of car they would drive.

Dark, boring, older than sin. The gas pedal is the most abused piece of equipment in South Gotham. There’s a stain on the backseat floor that Jon says is coffee, and no one is brave enough to question him. Edward refuses to be seen dead in it. One day Jon’s gonna take that as a challenge.

9) What calms them when they are upset.

It really depends on the type of distress that it is. The basic scale is this:

Drumming his nails against things, or just tapping against the nearest flat surface if his nails aren’t long enough. (Common response to most grievances.)

Stepping outside for a smoke. He goes back inside when he either feels better or runs out of cigarettes.

Pacing inside or stalking through the streets like he’s on his way to kill somebody, taking small, petty pleasure watching people jump out of his way.

Stewing in a corner with a bottle of strong alcohol.

Actually killing somebody.

10) How they deal with pain.

Grits his teeth and bears it. The first lesson he ever learned.

11) This character’s favorite piece or pieces of clothing.

As Scarecrow: His plague doctor mask, which replaced the traditional burlap after he stopped being able to feel fear.

As Jon: Custom winter gloves with longer fingers to accommodate his nails in the winter.

12) How they sleep.

I’ve talked about this before, actually! Here’s the quote:

Since he suffers from chronic insomnia and chronic I Have No Idea What Healthy Habits Look Like, Jonathan doesn’t go to bed very often. He’s more likely to pass out wherever he is - couch, desk, once on a morgue slab (don’t ask)… But when he does sleep in a bed, he tosses and turns a ridiculous amount. It’s not that he’s having nightmares (though with the way he moves, how could you tell), he just has a hard time getting comfortable. He’ll turn over at least 3-6 times before falling asleep, and he’ll keep shifting even after he does. It’s very common for Jonathan to fall asleep with three blankets and wake up with only one.

13) What kind of parent they would be.

*hysterical laughter* NO.

14) How they did in school.

He struggled with it a lot. Not because of a lack of intelligence or drive, but because:

Constant undernourishment and late night punishments made it difficult for Jon to stay awake in class. (His insomnia didn’t develop until he was in his early 20s.)

His homework was often late or mediocre because Jon did it after being beaten or kept busy with his grandmother’s laborious demands, if he was in a state to do it at all.

Jon’s glasses were almost never up to date. Constant squinting compounded by what Jon now knows were chronic migraines made class not only difficult to concentrate on, but physically painful.

Bullying. I don’t think I need to elaborate there.

Jon barely eked out a GPA high enough to get him into a local community college with the help of a scholarship targeted toward low-income families. Once his grandmother and bullies “helpfully” left the picture and Jon could focus on eliminating the obstacles above, he threw himself into his studies like a man possessed, and by the time he graduated, he’d secured himself entry to a post-baccalaureate program in Gotham. He used that as a stepping stone to med school and the rest is history.

15) What cologne or perfume they would use.

Jon doesn’t like either. His only indulgence in the smell department is almond-scented soap.

16) Their sexuality.

It varies depending on what version of him I’m playing, but it’s always either bi or gay.

17) What they’d sing at karaoke.

Something slow, creepy and mournful, probably not even on the set list, while he stares at you unblinking and makes you regret every decision in your life that helped force him onstage. You don’t ask for an encore.

18) Special talents they have.

Jon is double-jointed, a great whistler, sews all his costumes and is an adequate mechanic. See the “should be dead twelve times over” car he still drives. He’s also a better swimmer than people give him credit for, something that’s saved his life more than once.

19) When they feel safest.

In front of a fireplace. Jon can’t really explain it, nor does it make sense considering how much he hates heat in general. But there’s something about sitting in front of a fire that really relaxes him. (Don’t bother with the scarecrow/fire jokes, he’s heard them all.)

20) Household chore they hate the most.

Bathrooms.

21) Their fondest childhood memory.

“Killing them.”

22) How they spend their money.

Books, chemicals, caffeine, alcohol, weapons. And then living essentials. Maybe. Depends on how low he is on nicotine. (Jon’s spending habits are so predictable it became a running joke on campus, what did you expect.)

23) What kind of alcohol they drink.

He’s not picky, but nothing beats a finely aged whiskey. He’s also partial to Black Russians.

24) What they wish they could change about themselves.

Useful as it can be, Jon regrets the loss of his ability to feel fear. He also wishes he didn’t get migraines so often. Nothing on the personality front, though: Jon knows what he is.

25) What other people wish they could change about them.

Oh honey, there’s not enough hours in the day to list all that.

#lizard-hair #batman #jonathan crane #my headcanons #ask #i hope it was worth the wait bb #again THANK YOU #i could talk about my version of this asshole all day long

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