#and dont fucking chat at me all ''it's because of his trauma he never knew these things growing up so he doesn't know how to enjoy them''-- | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs | Tumgik

#and dont fucking chat at me all ''it's because of his trauma he never knew these things growing up so he doesn't know how to enjoy them''--

thespineoftherighteous · 1 year

Text

akdhsjsj no Neil is actually so annoying. whenever the monsters want to do anything fun (ex dressing up for Halloween or. idk. actually clubbing while at a club) he's just stood there shaking his head in disapproval thinking shit like "i cannot believe they are voluntarily choosing to engage in such ridiculous antics". or like Dan texts him without using proper grammar and he thinks it's the most Preposterous™ thing ever. kid needs to unclench his fucking jaw he's everything to me

#boy if KEVIN is enjoying himself you can maybe pipe fucking down and relax #and dont fucking chat at me all ''it's because of his trauma he never knew these things growing up so he doesn't know how to enjoy them''--#i know this. it's true. but he's STILL boring about it. i adore him for it and that's why i can insult him about it #aftg #neil josten #mine aftg

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morgandoesstuffsig · 1 year

Note

Hello! I’m new to your blog and I love your writing. I was wondering if you could do a sagau with creator reader that comes from the last of us games? ( the last of us is just a zombie apocalypse game.) How would they react to there creator coming from a place like that? Everything is ran down and taken over by plants and wildlife. Just being born there and forced to learn how to kill and survive on there own. Having to learn the skills of survival and technique. How would they react to there creators PTSD and trauma? How would they react if they actually saw the world there creator comes from?

Well that’s all I have you can write this however you want to if you’d like or don’t write it at all it’s up to you. Anyway have a great week!!

dude. zombie apocolypse!creator!reader... u are amazing anon tf

didn't exactly know who to write for i went with the trusty genshit wheel of names

c.w // zombies, blood, gore mention, disturbing descriptions, mentions of pstd

GOROU, AYAKA, XIAO

start under cut

gorou.

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"Your Grace?" Gorou spoke, not much more than a whisper.

"I've told you this before Gorou, just call me (Y/N)."

"Of course... (y/n)... I wanted to ask you a question.." He said nervously.

"What is it?"

"What was your world like?"

You froze at the question. Your breathing became shallower and shallower, and your hands slightly trembled.

Gorou, being the keen one he is, quickly took notice and reassured you that you didn't have to answer.

"You dont have to--"

"It's.. fine. I can tell you." You cut him off, holding up your hands to sign that it was final. He silently nodded, and prepared for, well, anything.

flashback below. proceed with caution.

"FUCK!" You yelled. You'd been running for hours now; they were on your tail. You made a sharp turn and nearly fell, but you didn't stop running.

Into the heart of the forest, you ran to your makeshift shack with all the food and supplies you'd stolen from the ghost town abroad, and locked yourself inside of it. You pushed your back against the door as you felt the banging of the zombies trying to rip through your door, and you just waited it out. Eventually, an unfortunate deer stumbled across and lured them away from you.

You let out a sigh of relief as you slid onto the floor, panting.

'They've never gotten that close before.' You thought as you counted your items. You'd have to leave soon. You grabbed your stuff and checked the windows much too high for anything outside to reach. Or so, you thought. You were met with a rotten-flesh-filled face staring straight back at you. You yelped, and fell onto the floor. The zombie starting banging on the glass, harder and harder until it shattered everywhere. You covered your eyes with one hand and grabbed you knife with the other. After the glass settled, you quickly got up and prepared to fight.

Time to put all your self-taught fighting to use.

flashback end.

Gorou's mouth hung open, eyes widened in shock. You had to deal with that all alone? As a kid nonetheless?! His hand subconsciously reached for yours and rubbed it in an attempt to comfort you.

"It's okay. You're not there anymore, and you're not alone."

end : 1/3

ayaka.

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You had invited Ayaka to walk around [region], just to chat. She was one of the only people who didn't make you feel suffocated in this "creator" crap. (she was holding herself back, just for you.)

Though you didn't expect it to start thunderstorming.

BAM! A large clap of thunder sounded unexpectedly, and you flinched, and practically jumped.

Fuck... You thought, turning around just because. You knew it was thunder; but god, did your past still linger with you, even after all this time.

"(Y/N)? Are you okay?" Ayaka asked, snapping you out of your daze.

"Yes, I think.. I think so. We should-!" Cut off by another sound of thunder, and lightning following shortly after. Ayaka looked at you with a soft expression, and she took your hand, gently. You looked at her as she carefully guided you back to where you two were staying for the time being.

"Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?" She asked softly, still holding your calloused hand.

"I... sure.." You said hesitantly.

after explaining your world.

"I... I see." She said sadly. She reached up to pat your head, and she motioned for you to move closer. She moved your head onto her lap and started gently brushing her fingers through your hair.

"I'm here now. There is no need to worry. I won't let that ever happen to you again."

end : 2/3

xiao.

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"Your Grace?"

"First of all, how many times have I told you to call me (Y/N), and what's up?" You said, a sigh.

"..Where are we?"

"Home."

"...why is it so run down?"

"That's a.. long story. Are you sure you want to hear it?" You asked, and he nodded. You sighed and opened your mouth to speak.

crack.

You both froze. He looked at you and was about to say something, but you instinctively slapped your hand against his mouth, and stared in the direction the sound came from.

Unbeknownst to you, this action made his face heat up, but he was also curious and slightly concerned. What could've made you stop him from talking so quickly?

Only then did he hear a growl emitting from ahead. He summoned his spear, preparing to fight, but you shoved him behind you and grabbed something from a slot attached to your belt. You pulled it up to ahead and aimed it; but he had no idea what it was or what you were aiming for. Also, whyd you shove him behind you?!—

Then he saw it. Rotting flesh and both fresh and dried blood dripping from a disorted and ripped face; eyeball hanging out of its socket and hair missing all over its supposed head. The ragged and dirt-and-blood stained clothes, ripped and disgusting around itself; a zombie.

Before he could react, there was a large BAM that echoed throughout the forest. Suddenly, the zombie fell over, motionless, and you grabbed Xiao and left as quickly as the wind could blow.

What the hell?!

end : 3/3

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unicarcass · 9 months

Text

trauma processing bs. (heavy tws; suicide ideation, abuse, alcohol, self harm. fairly detailed. all past tense. im ok)

idly fiddling with the pendant on the necklace that my first love had given me for my birthday, worn now like a charm in remembrance of the folks ive lost.

a heart shaped opal (he wanted it to be a garnet for my birthstone, but the jewelers didnt have one that he thought i would like) adorning a delicately woven silver heart, a precariously thin chain so easy to carelessly snap yet cautiously preserved. he had saved up his allowance for it for a while. he was so excited for me to get it. it was so sweet.

i think about the late nights we would stay up chatting on the house phone or on skype. the random anime nights. tagging around with him everywhere and him tagging around with me through all our online social spaces so we could meet and hang out with each others' friends. running my flip phone's minutes up constantly (much to the displeasure of my mom, who did not could not would not know about the long distance relationship thing) sending him silly pics of things id seen or calling him up bc i got a little too lovey while gazing at the moonlight or the fireworks in july or the embers drifting from the campfire.

i think about the constant chatter about our futures. about helping each other escape. the sheer desperation we both had to stay alive and make it somewhere better. my parents interrupting our calls nighly because my stepdad was still heavy drinking to avoid his deeply unresolved trauma and my mom constantly provoked him. my older brother taking up heavy drinking and drugs for similarly unresolved trauma but being even more outwardly violent towards me, because... maybe i was a smarter decision to fight than our parents, i guess. maybe he had it out for me because i was "the kid that stayed" while he got shoved off with our grandparents after our parents' divorce. ill never really know.

and then at some point the "me" wasnt me anymore. that sweet missouri boy's girlfriend was gone. he wasnt "my" boyfriend. i loved him but i wasnt who he had fallen in love with. i wasnt that person our friends had gotten to know. and that shit scared me. and i kept pushing.

more and more and more people i kept pushing away through the years. like the only company i shouldve had was the screaming matches and the hands around my neck and the insults thrown at me 24/7 and the holes in the walls and the knives in tables and whole households worth of destroyed furniture and the fires being started and the razors dragged along my shoulders and the cheap booze i hated the taste of but briefly tried to drown myself in anyway and the years and years and years of careful, down to the last detail suicide planning.

"dont tell anyone whats going on at home! theyll think youre being abused!" mom said. it sounds like such a backhanded admission of guilt now. she was so intent on "clinging" to me and "fixing" my stepdad at the same time that she kept endangering everyone. she refuses to get help. she refuses to even see that she does wrong. she just drags everyone down with her. fuck, she straight up kept worsening my stepdad and older brother's whole ordeal with their alcoholism because she kept BRINGING alcohol into the house. she did nothing to help them get better. she did nothing to protect us. she didnt care.

i forgive myself for the shit ive done, i have to. violence was nearly all i knew. constant fear was the only way i knew how to interact with the world. ive done fucked up shit but i never wanted to hurt people.

and i go back to contemplating the heart shaped pendant in my fingers. in it i can feel a little piece of all the loved ones ive parted with. and i hope theyre well.

#corpse.exe #suicide ideation tw #abuse tw #alcohol tw #self harm tw

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veryredd · 2 years

Text

Hypocrite

Jason todd x Self destructive reader

Warnings: there will be mentions of self destructive behaviours. You are warned

A/n: this is my first time writing a headcannon soooo... Ye

You first bumped into Jason in a library

You didn't really think much about it

Your house was fairly noisy so it is difficult for you to actually study

You'd go to the library every week in hopes of finally studying in peace

He was the guy you saw sitting across you

Without fail, every Tuesday he is there

He became a constant in your life

Just kinda like someone you recognise in the background

One day, he decided to sit beside you instead of across you like he usually does

You were struggling with your assignment, unable to figure out the answer

""umm the answer is three"

"I'm sorry?"

"it's three, which services would you provide to aid the child right?"

"um yes?"

"it's child protection services"

"oh um thanks"

"I'm Jason by the way"

"oh I'm y/n"

"the question seems easy"

"it is but you know, brain lag haha"

Quickly both of you start getting acquainted

You suggested to leave the library and go to a nearby cafe to chat instead of the library

After chatting for a while, both of you exchanged numbers

A few months pass and both of you gotten a lot closer with each other

Of course getting closer meant that he knew about a bit of your unhealthy behaviours

Not enough to be worried

He brought up how he did not have the best childhood

You also brought up how your family and home environment hasn't exactly been the best

✨Trauma bonding✨

You guys got a lot closer after that

You did mention to him that you had romantic interest in him but dont want start a relationship yet

He agreed and said he wait until you are ready

You met his family on platonic terms

Well more like you were hanging out at his place and they crash in

By they I mean dick

"BABYBIRD YOU FAVOURITE BR-"

Both of you stared at Jason's door

"Jay who is that?"

"ummm"

"oh you didn't mention you had someone over"

"HUHHH why should I mention to you that I have someone over in MY house"

"ummm guys I'm lost here"

"well hello I'm Richard Grayson but you can call me Dick. I'm Jason's older brother"

"oh um I'm y/n. You never mentioned you had a brother?"

"are you his partner?"

"ummm"

Both of you looked at each other

"no?" "Maybe?"

"Welp either way please come to the manor we would Lovee to have you over"

"rightttt"

You did end up meeting his family and realised how utterly chaotic it was

You were fine with it of course seeing how you were used to it

Not long after, you both got into a romantic relationship

By then you go over to his house so much that he gave up and decided to give you a spare key (much to Bruce's dismay)

Because you have full access to his house, you noticed how often he came back late and through the window not the door

You were suspicious but it wasn't your place to question

After all you had suspicion that he was a vigilante

Those bruises and wounds had to come from somewhere

Not to mention how he is so free during the day but still earns enough to pay for daily expenses

You were starting to revert back to old habits again

After Jason, you were more cautious about your wellbeing

One being because for some reason Jason is super observant and secondly is that you were home a lot less so you didn't really need to cope using the "fuck everything" attitude

You were getting shit from home and school not to mention you work part time jobs to have enough money just in case your family situation goes to shit again

Jason obviously noticed it but didn't interfer much

Around that time you finally made the connection that Jason was red hood

You weren't scared just worried for his safety

You knew the history of the second robin and naturally connected the dots

It really wasn't difficult when everything was in your face

You confronted Jason about his vigilante lifestyle and made him swear to you to be less reckless and more careful

Your behaviours worsen overtime but Jason was busy with the new cases to notice

You started trading time for eating to study, more reckless behaviours like crossing the road without looking, using sketchy alleys as shortcuts

You did eventually faint from overexhaustion, Jason never found out

You made sure of it

"Jay we need to talk"

"what about?"

"your recent case. Dick told me how you reckless you were"

"of course golden boy did"

"Jason you promised me"

"look it was an accident it won't happen again"

"Jason!"

"what! It's not like you are any better either"

"what the hell are you talking about"

"you think I don't know about your self destructive behaviours? How you worked yourself to exhaustion?"

"..."

"how you fainted because you were working yourself to DEATH"

"you werent suppose to know"

"ya you think I wouldn't find out?"

"how di-"

"I checked the hospital records. Replacement told me you were hospitalised and how you asked Tim to pick you up instead"

"i-"

"look I get that you are worried for me but please please look after yourself first"

"so what? I'm a hypocrite huh?"

"Stop! I know what you are trying to do so just stop. I love you for all you are just as you love me so please"

"how are you so sure"

" because I know you. I know why you do what you do. I know how it feels"

"..."

"I'm not going to give up on you because you want me to."

" I'm sorry. I really am"

"I know. We are going to work this out together"

"I love you jay"

"love you too n/n"

#jason todd x reader #jason todd #red hood x reader #reader angst #red hood #dc comics #dc universe #batfam #veryredd #drabble

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soft-boi-eli · 3 years

Note

OMG CAN I REQUEST CC!PHILZA INTRODUCING HIS ADOPTED EMO CHILD TO THE REST OF THE SBI/DSMP

Gender neutral pls they/them

Of course! I've been having a bit of shortages on ideas. So this is so fucking welcomed.

Anyways

Father CC!Philza x Emo! Reader

Pronouns:they/them

Summary:your old parents gave you up as a teen, overflowing you with emotions, causing depression, mood swings, and quite a bit of anxiety. When you got adopted by a man and a lady,both seemingly very kind and understanding. You felt happy. They didnt expect the sleepy bois to come and visit so soon.

Tw:anxiety attacks, mention of depression, loving clothes (not a tw but damn I sometimes miss my old fashion sense.), mention of trauma, swearing!

A huge new family

They dont blame their biological family. They knew that they were being overwhelming. Slowly shifting into a state of mind where fluffy black and colored hair was their favorite. Their outfits became more extravagant and their makeup took a turn for the darker. But they didnt have to put them up for adoption.

About a year in and out of foster families, a few months in an orphanage, then one more foster family. It was official. They were the new child of philza.

Your life got better. Both of them accepted your choice of clothes and makeup, even supported it!

They helped with everything in the first few weeks. Giving you space, letting you know that they were there. But you nor phil knew that three boys were heading down to visit.

So when you answered the door to see three faces demanding philza minecraft and one just looking awkward. They were also changing about him coming and join them you felt panic flood through you. Slamming the door on their face you held near your chest.

Your uneven breathing was heard by your father and he was quick to scoop you away from the door and have kristin answer the door.

He was sitting next to you hand lightly rubbing your shoulder and he guided you through the panic attack. "That's it. In through the nose. Hold it for a few second. Breathe out." His voice was calm.

It took less time to calm you down then you've ever had. "There ya go mate. Just keep breathing." He kept coaching you through you panic attack.

Kristen let the four in with their promise of keeping calm. Your shaking form brought major concern to the two older ones and confusion to the two younger ones. "(Y/n) I want to introduce you to the four behind us. Technoblade, wilbur, tommy, and tubbo. They are really good friends of mine." Nodding lightly you sat there, not wanting to turn because if you did the panic would strike harder. Remembering what happened before you parents left you.

A huge group of people basically shunned your for your choices and didnt want to take you in because 'trash like you' wasnt accepted in the family. But these two were different. Supporting you with your choices. How different were their friends? "Hey I think you shirt is cool! Who's on it?" A slightly hyper voice broke through the silence. " black veil brides." It was quite but a start. "Cool! So their a band right? What kind of songs?" The brown haired teen was trying to communicate with you. "Uhm. Rock." It had started small but you opened up to the teens. They were about you age and they didnt bash what you decided to like. The two older ones hung out with phil and Kristen. You three hung out in your room which was kind of softer then your appearance. It was to reflect a bit deeper into you. Bookshelves, a desk, reading corner, and a bed. Not fully knowing what to put in there.

But you, tommy, and tubbo were almost the best of friends when they had to leave. Techno and Wilbur it took a bit. After the two teens left you had came out of your room, no makeup, hair had all products removed, and your clothes changed from Jean's and a black veiled brides shirt to a black tee shirt, grey sweat pants, with a book in hand.

Before sleeping you just chilled in the living room, reading while basking in the presence of your adoptive parents. You did not expect wilbur and techno to still be there.

Plopping down on the couch next to phil you opened your book and tried to zone out, to get engulfed into the book. Nope. Two sets of eyes just watching you.

"So you like poems?" The book you were reading was a massive collection of poems. Looking up to the two on the couch you nodded lightly.

Looking back down you felt nervous. "Small talk is awkward." Looking up to the brown haired guy with an American accent you nodded. "Same." Once more you looked down at your book. You already had issues focusing but you tried to work though it. "What kind of poems are you favorite?" You sat there for a second. Trying to think of something that catches your attention.

"Mainly ones about trauma. It reminds me I'm not the only one in the word that went through something I have. It just makes it more interesting when I can relate." It was true. Sometimes the poems you liked ring a little to close to home.

"Good choice. It does really intrigue the audience when they can relate." Nodding you closed your book. "Especially when you relate. It's a must for me. Other wise I get turned away from it and just cant focus. But if I like it then I am just dead set on that poem."

You and techno bonded over poems and wilbur brought up some songs. "So what is you song preference?" "Hollywood undead, black veil brides, other then that its random. If I like the song it's in my playlist." With no other preferences with music other then it had to sound good to you there was honestly no judgement for other people's taste in music. There were little treasures from almost all genres.

For a while you talked about poems and songs. It honestly helped you feel safer with them. They didnt care about what you found intriguing. Or why. You even went on a rant and there was no care. They just listened.

But sadly they had to leave. Bit they promised that they would visit more. They were like the brothers you never had.

"So I see that you were able to talk to all of them." Nodding to your father figure you smiled "they were nice. Honestly. I cant wait to see them again."

He found joy in you wanting to hang out with his friends/technically children too.

Now meet the rest of the dream smp. It was very fast. Meeting almost all of them at the same time.

Phil was streaming and no one except for the sleepy bois knew about you. So you walked into his stream, book in hand and sat on the couch behind his set up. You liked having another person on the room. You just hated being alone. It gave you really bad thoughts. "Who's that behind you phil?" A random donation read out. Phil looking behind himself saw you in the corner reading and you normally did. "Ah that's my child. They like to have company. So sometimes they come in here to read." "Wait you have a child?! Since when?" The voice made you jump. Your book fell out of your hands and you looked at your father's screen. A green man with a weird white blob for a skin on minecraft. "Yeah. I took a break to pick them up from the orphanage." All hell broke loose. You ran while phil answered questions. You were not dealing with that. No way. Nuh uh. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Not today satan. It took phil bribing you with a trip to hot topic to get you to come back in. I mean hey you get to score a few shirts and hats. Might as well.

Meeting the server wasbt too bad. But the questions were weird. You didnt answer the ones you were uncomfortable about and they didnt care. Your boundries were up. And when tommy, tubbo, willbur, and techno revealed they knew of you they were yelled at. It was funny. Watching people say they should of said something. But it resulted in alot of compliments and Phil's chat loving you.

You were now the older sibling of the chat. Why? Cause chat said so.

When you come in from now on the chat is chanting for you. Just "(y/n)!" Over and over.

Your life? Crazy. But it became a bit better after you were living with your new parents. It was heaven.

I'm sorry if its awkward I'm not good at introductions. And I am tis but a sleep deprived human. I need sleep and so do you have a nice day and once more I'm sorry if this isnt up to what you wanted.

#dsmp philza #philza #philza x reader #phliza mcyt #mcyt fluff #mcyt

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limelocked · 3 years

Note

hello you talked about maybe making a post examining phils trauma and I would absolutely love that if you do decide to make it

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okay, this post will be very unstructured and may be triggering to some readers so go into it knowing this and stay safe

i dont know how many people in this fandom have been suicidal but i can guess that a smaller number have had a suicidal friend and have had to talk them down

i had a friend who was a pathological liar so i dont actually know what was happening at the time since i now doubt everything that person said to me however at the time i fully believed it when this person told me that they were going to take their own life by jumping out the window from high up in a multistory building

this context is important because if you think about it too hard what phil did wasnt murder, it was assisted suicide done semi unconsentually

phil couldnt get into dreamsmp before he “hacked” his way in on the 16th and any contact with dreamsmp before that was instigated by the people on the server or went through what his chat told him, there was Nothing that he could do before he was whitelisted

then we look at alivebur who had tnt IN the button room before quackity and tommy took it out and was quite clearly depressed, using blue already before becoming ghostbur as a way to cope

so phil joins the server, he is in this cramped room and people are already fighting outside, he only thinks that whats at risk is some buildings being blown up but... chat has told him stuff that might be true so he tries to talk wilbur down and he does pretty well all things considered... and he fails... wilbur presses the button and while neither of them die what happens afterwards is something that is HORRAFYING to me

wilbur begs phil to kill him, gives him a sword, invokes killza, he tells phil that he should do it because THEY all want him to, They all Want wilbur dead and phil tries to defend himself, man is fucking panicking “YOURE MY SON!” but the human mind isnt really made to... handle that kind of stress and phil never got the time to really... process the information or anything at all, at this point he might not even know about how canon deaths work since he only know schlatt died via heart attack/falling out of the world

so the mind goes into autopilot and he kills wilbur, he doesnt have time to process it because then techno goes to spawn the withers and he has to deal with that

there is some sick and wrong part of you while trying to talk someone down from suicide that just wants it to be over, that wants your own personal stress and trauma to just finally be over and for me in highschool this equated to wishing for either this person i was talking down to finally be fine and out of harms way or to just... be dead, and thats horrible its so sick and twisted of the brain to do but it would remove the pressure of being the single thread holding this persons life up and out of the abyss because at that time you are the only support system that person has

phil said that he went into the arctic to reflect and process and he prolly did but he comes back to ghostbur, and alivebur in the end wasnt the wilbur he knew but ghostbur is even less so, ghostbur is a shadow of what wilbur was and a CONSTANT reminder of what happened to him, thats why phil doesnt really... like ghostbur... he’s easily annoyed at ghostbur and snaps at him sometimes, ghostbur reminds him not only by EXISTING but by constantly telling him about how actually ghostbur is happy that phil killed alivebur and phil is never comfortable when ghostbur brings this up, replying to ghostbur in this kinda... restrained and quiet voice

i cannot blame phil for not alligning with lmanburg, that group of people twisted his son into someone that forced phil into assisted suicide and that group just kept being corrupt. Dream didnt take down the walls, phil and bad did and yet he is placed under house arrest and has to watch his best friend be executed by the president who might also be his son, he has to see his grandson, WILBURS LEGACY steal from him, force his hand again into back handedly betraying said best friend and then have the AUDACITY to claim that he still loves his grandad

and lets not beat around the bush; phil watched techno die, a totem brings you back from the dead, it doesnt shield you from the death itself so thats two of phils closest relationships killed by lmanburg, first wilbur then techno

i dont think that phil only left lmanburg because of anger against the government, i think he also left and decided to stay with techno because techno is consistent and he is safe. techno is a rock that never changes and hes strong enough to not depend on phil for carrying his emotional bagage. techno is so very predictable and hes strong enough to be able to fend for himself, phil doesnt have to worry about techno

i think tldr on phil: watching your best friend get executed right in front of you while you can do nothing is pretty fucked up but the fact that phil essentially failed to talk his son down from suicide then was forced to kill him as part of that suicide is like... deeply fucked up

moral of the story.. kinda? STOP ACTING LIKE PHIL IS A FUCKING TRAINED MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL OR EMERGENCY RESPONDER FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION my man has had his hands tied for so long and finally now hes free to hang out with his safe best friend where he can work thru that trauma

#suicide mention #this is mostly kinda to put down my thoughts because like...#phil is not immune to the effects talking someone down has #not proofread like at all honestly #Anonymous

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msmarvelwrites · 4 years

Text

The Winter Ghost - Part 11

Info: A Devastating car crash causes you to lose your memory and start over. The only thing left in the wreckage was the horrific nightmares which plagued your mind. If you knew what today would entail you would have just stayed in bed. But you didn’t and because of that, everything you knew was about to change.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: swearing, ptsd, fluff

W/c: 2.4 k

A/n: Wow, its been a week! I dont know about you but August is something else honestly! I hope you guys are enjoying the read and as always if you have any feedback, or youd just like to chat, hit me up! Thank you @cutie1365 for your help with this one!

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It had been a whole week since you woke up in Shuri’s lab, but the fifteen minutes it took her to perform the final analysis felt like it droned on forever.

In the days that passed Wanda had come by your room the most. She had changed, but then again, so had you. Her eyes bare a worry that never seemed to go away, no matter how much you reassured her. It wasn't her fault. But even still, every time she saw you she tiptoed, afraid she’d set you off at any moment. You were used to this coming from Steve, but a tiny part of you broke at the thought of Wanda fearing you. She had always accepted you, no questions asked…

Nat would usually come for dinner, giving you the full breakdown of the day. Since waking up and remembering everything it was hard to trust the people around you, but she made it a little easier. She assured you that Sam wasn't angry, and that he had recovered with very minor injuries. You were thankful she didn't bring up your other opponent.

Then there was the Captain himself. You haven't really seen Steve much, but you heard him through the walls of your room. He visited his friend every day. He never actually went into his room, however. He would only stand outside and apologize over and over for something you could never make out.

On the fourth day, he spoke to you. You were half asleep, it was probably sometime past midnight when you heard his voice.

“No! Please NO!,” His voice woke you from your sleepy daze. “Y/n, please. I’m so sorry. I didn't know. I- I'm so sorry, I never…” The sound of your name on his lips caused a shiver to rush down your spine. His words came out breathy as he choked on a sob. It was clear to you he was having a nightmare. There was a part of you, albeit small, that wanted nothing more than to rush to him, and sooth his fears. But you didn't. You just listened while he screamed for you, unmoving. That's what he deserves, you thought, but you didn't believe it. Not fully.

“Okay, lets go over this again. What's your name?” Shuri rolled across the room on her chair scribbling something down on a tablet. You rolled your eyes, this had to be the fifth time she had asked you.

“Y/n L/n. Born in Philadelphia. Joined S.H.I.E.L.D after my family died in a fire. Moved to Jersey to be closer to work, met Agent Beson, got engaged, and then The Winter Soldier killed him… Did I miss anything?” You rattled off. Shuri only nodded, writing something down you couldn't see.

“You developed a super soldier serum that could absorb the powers of your opponent.” Shuri ‘reminded’ you.

“Right, how could I forget what got me into this shit show in the first place.” You scoffed.

“And you remember how you made it?” She asked.

“Yes… No… Maybe? I think with some time I could recreate it, but I’d need to run a few tests, get the ingredients at the corner store. The serum was created for me and me alone. In case it got into the wrong hands, I didn't want anyone else to be able to use it.” You shuttered at the memory burned into your mind. The wet cement room Hydra had locked you in for days, torturing you for answers you wouldn't dare give. “It’s flawed, obviously. It was never ready to be used. We were trying something new. I was never the best candidate for the serum, as it amplifies what's already within and in my case, was pretty fucked up already… Not to mention the nasty side effects.”

“And what would those be?” The small scientist spoke, now on the other side of the room pulling up a hologram of Dr. Erskine’s original serum from World War II.

“Psychosis mostly. But there was a chance it would enhance trauma or cause permanent brain damage… You know, the good stuff.” You chuckled but Shuri didn't look quite as enthused. “Look, I didn't say the serum was perfect. It was my first draft.”

“Hydra doesn't care about perfection. They want it, and they're going to do anything to get it.” Steve voiced from the doorway you only now realized he was standing in.

“You look like you're feeling better.” He said.

“Well, thank you Captain.” You saluted him in a mocking way that only made his jaw clench, “Here’s hoping you can say the same for your friend.” Your words dripping with sarcasm.

Steve's eyes went dark at that. He looked like he was going to rip you in half. Of course he couldn't, at least not with your homemade cocktail coursing through your veins.

“She’s not ready.” Steve barked refusing to make eye contact with you. You tried to play it cool, but if the Captain was the reason for you staying locked up in this lab for another day you were going to throw a full blown temper tantrum.

“She’s passed all psych evaluations, and seems to have control over her emotions.” Shuri aspoke matter of factly.

Damn right.

“I don't care about some evaluation. If I say she’s not ready-” That was it. It was, after all, pretty easy for you to lose your temper these days.

“You can't just keep me here!” You shouted, causing Steve's head to snap back in your direction.

“I can and I will. Until we are sure you're not a threat.” He seethed.

“Well, she’s not. And you're not in charge here. I am.” Shuri matched his tone, causing a small smirk to play on your lips. What a badass.

Steve only blinked at the small girl, unsure of what to say next. So she continued.

“She’ll be back in her room on the compound by the end of the day. If you don't like that, by all means leave. Wasn't that yours and Bucky’s plan after all?” Shuri snapped. This new information made you stiff. They were leaving? Both of them? You weren't sure why this made you feel nauseous, but it did.

“Yeah, like he’d ever leave without her.” He pointed an accusatory finger at you, causing you to imagine how satisfactory it would be to snap it off and shove it right up his tight-

“If you stay, you listen to me. You're not my captain here, Steve. Show me some respect.” Her voice was powerful. You weren't sure how a sixteen year old could hold herself with confidence, lord knows you were a mess at her age, but nevertheless, she did. And she did it with an unmatched grace.

Steve opened his mouth and then closed it, lost for words. Shuri held her stare, unwavering as she looked up at the 6 foot man. Seriously, what a badass.

“If she loses control, it's on you.” He all but shouted while Shuri only chuckled causing a rage to wash over Steves face.

“Actually, I think if she loses it again, it will be lost on you.” She looked at you while you nodded giggly. Steve shuttered at the idea, making you smile from ear to ear. With that, he stormed out of the lap. The two of you stared at each other before bursting out laughing.

“Did you see his face!? He looked like he was going to shit his pants!” You cackled, holding your stomach for some sort of relief.

“I don't think he’s used to being told no. Big baby.” She cooed, laughing to herself. “To be fair, you almost killed his best friend, so if I was on your bad side I might be worried too.” That shut you down. Steve was one thing, if he feared you, so be it. But you weren't dangerous. Okay, you had squashed Barnes like the bug he was, but that wasn't here nor there.

You signed. They had every right to fear you. You feared yourself at times. But the reappearing of your memories seemed to ease you, for now at least. Everything was back on the table. You knew who you were and you could finally see the whole picture.

“Okay, but seriously Y/n. We have to talk about a few things before I release you.” Shuri spoke, pulling her seat back up beside you. You attended to her newly serious tone and looked down at her from the bed. “Hydras after you. They need that serum, for who knows what. We have to know, can it be cloned while in your bloodstream? Is there anywhere else but that lab you blew up where they could get the blueprints to recreate it?” She asked.

“Nope and nope.” You popped the ‘P’ as you spoke. “Hydra can’t reacreat it without me, and that will never happen again, so they're screwed. I didn't tell anyone what I was working with, not even Tommy.” Your voice fell flat at the mention of his name.

“That's good. Steve’s going to want to hold a team meeting to brief everyone on what's going on and Natasha’s been chomping at the bit to get you back to training. You think you're up for that?” You only nodded, reassuring her.

“Just get me the fuck out of this damn lab. No offense but if I have to look at your face for another second I’m going to find out about that psychosis side effect.” Shuri giggled at that.

“You're free to go.” She gestured towards the door. Your eyes went wide, but she didn't have to tell you twice. In seconds you rushed out of the door and down the hallway towards your room.

As you passed through the kitchen, you noticed Nat sitting at the island eating breakfast. You waved and her face fell. Peaking around the corner you noticed why.

There, sitting on the large couch was, Bucky.

Fuck.

Bucky noticed Nat’s stiffness and turned to see what had her so nervous. That's when his eyes landed on you. All colour washed away from his face, leaving him pale. A ghost of who he once was. Before he could get up, you were gone, sprinting down the hallway. When you thought about seeing Bucky again you imagined feeling a million emotions. Murderous rage being one of them but this, this was not one of them.

When you were finally in your bedroom with the door locked, you allowed yourself to sob. Tears streamed down your face as relief washed over your body. You despised yourself for feeling anything but disgust for the man who had slaughtered any chance at happiness in your life. But, here you were, crying into your pillow like a heart broken teeager, because the man you loved wasn't dead. You wished with every fiber of yourself that he had been gunned down on that bridge, but there he sat, in the living room, steel blue eyes fixated on yours, heart still very much beating.

The loud knocking from the other side of your door was what ripped you back into reality and out of your all consuming thoughts. You closed your eyes, and tried to keep your sniffling quiet, hoping they would just leave. When another three knocks echoed through the room, you groaned, grabbing a pillow from your bed and rocketing through the air.

“I’m busy.” You shouted to the insufferable knocking.

“No you're not.” Sam’s voice shouted back. A smile pulled at the corner of your mouth at his mocking tone. After a moment of battling with yourself, you slugged off the bed and opened the door.

Sam smiled down at you, a small pink cut traced itself over the top of his brow down to just below his eye. By now it was almost healed, but you could tell it once was deep and raw.

“Did I do that?” You winced, gesturing to your face where his gash resided.

“Nothing I can't handle. Can I come in?” He asked.

You nodded, opening the door a little more and allowing him access. He looked around your room. What once was bare, now had boxes and bags filled with items that were important to you.

“So, how ya’ feelin’?” He asked, taking a seat on the reading chair next to your coffee table. You followed him, tentatively as you sat on the edge of your bed. You hadn't spoken directly to Sam in over a week, you weren't really sure if he still trusted you like before. Hell, you wouldn't blame him if he didnt.

“Nothing I can't handle.” You mirrored his response, causing him to chuckle softly.

“Guess were both pretty tough, huh?” He spoke, just over a deep whisper. You nodded your head once in response, feeling the awkward tension to hover in the room before it became hard to breathe.

“Sam, I-” You stated, but your voice broke.

“Hey, hey,” He started, crossing the room and in a second he was at your side, kneeling just below you, he took your hands in him. There was no hesitation, no fear in his eyes. He reassured you before placing a soft kiss on the back of your palm. “Dont. Just don't. It’s not your fault. I have every sense to blame that little witch, but it's not her fault either. I’m just glad you're okay, Y/n” He said.

You hadn't noticed the small tear that had escaped until Sam wiped it away, his warm skin seering into yours.

“Besides, I kicked your ass like, twenty to one. I’d say I still win this match.” That caused a small laugh to bubble out of your chest.

“Thank you, Sam.” he nodded, getting up and sitting next to you on the bed.

“You hungry?” he asked.

“Starving.”

“Lets go get some dinner.” He took your hand in his and stood, but you didn't budge. He looked back and raised a brow in question.

“I think I’m just going to eat in here… If that's okay?” You signed. Feeling like the old broken Y/n who was weak and pathetic.

“Great idea. I’ll bring you something. We can just hangout. I know for a fact Nat’s been dying to see you, care if she joins us?” He asked, eyes soft and full of understanding.

“Only if I can pick the movie we watch.” You said, a smile pulling at the corner of your mouth.

“Done deal.”

.........................................................................................................................

A/n: Thank you for reading! Please, like if you like and reblog if you want to fule my ego! Honestly, thank your for just reading it... I feel like, yeah its lousy, but its really nice to write again. Sending you guys all some postive vibes this week <3

@kalesrebellion

@projectcampbell

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energyanon · 3 years

Text

FAQ Energy Readings

I am well aware that I cannot stop anyone when it comes to doing their own readings even if they are not experienced. by now, I hope that you have read this post and are at the very least following the guidelines. If you have done so, I applaud you, thank you for taking this seriously. If you have read the post, and you still want to go ahead i’ve decided to give some background information for you to consider in your readings while you practice. I will not be discussing HOW to do things, as, if you are doing these readings you should know this already, but this is some extra study just so it can help you in them. (If you arent interested in doing ER’s yourself, some of the information in here will give you some insight into your own energy, feel free to read that but otherwise, please do scroll down to where the quotes are, as they help everyone in understanding their own family dynamic/trauma.) I do think it will help everyone. I will continue to add to this with anything that I find would help you make better decisions when conducting a reading.

1. Before doing readings you need to work on yourself. There are things that can come up in a reading that are extraordinarily triggering, and you will never know that it’s coming up. Sexual abuse, attempted suicide, death.. nothing that wants to come into light gives two shits about you being triggered, and so you need to have done the work to be able to step out and stop without becoming consumed by it. You need to then be able to also have enough strength to close off the reading. If you are too fractured from the trigger in order to do so, you’ve just fucked it up for the person you’re reading. Not good. Do not attempt readings if you have triggers you have not worked on that are either a) going to cause you distress or b) do not allow you to be objective in the reading.

2. Second to this. Being objective in the reading: One of the messages I got last night mentioned that the person who was doing the reading was upset that the person in the reading was not listening to them. You cannot get your own feelings involved. You can merely understand. That’s it. if you are getting upset or feel queezy by what is happening, that is your own energy coming into the reading, and it is not permitted. Get out, shut it down, do not continue. That person does not need your added energy to take care of when they didn’t ask for it themselves, You are only there to observe unless you are doing a constellation in which you are there to guide, but even then you never get your own feelings on the situation involved.

Eg. In constellations, alot of the time we’re talking about sexual abuse or just straight up physical abuse. It does not help the client if you’re there getting your feelings on those things involved in the constellation and telling them that their father is an absolute shit and he deserves to die for what he did. They are trying to heal their past, that is not helping. You can get the child to say what they want to say eg. “What you did was wrong, it hurt me.” But that is only if they need to be guided to say it, they agree that that is what they want to say, or if they say it organically themselves, which we always try to get them to do first. and the most important thing

On this - you can’t say what is good or bad in a reading, it merely IS. The universe always knows what it’s doing, it is putting everyone through trials for them to grow. The very thing that you think is bad, may be the very thing that helps them grow into the best person they can be. You never tell someone what to do, you never force them on a different path if they have not accepted that. If they are on a current lesson, it is not up to you to force them off that lesson before they have learnt from it.

eg. (and this is NOT what I got at all in the reading, this is just an example) Lets say that Ale IS bad for SS, Lets say shes going to absolutely destroy him. Lets say you SEE that. You are not to do absolutely anything with that situation except accept and understand it with love unless that person has asked you to help them otherwise. You don’t tell them something they don’t already know, you don’t ask a question that says “Seb do you know that Ale is trying to sabotage you?” You don’t do shit. Seb would have been given that lesson in the form of Ale for a reason. Seb’s higher self before coming into this body would have asked for that lesson. You have absolutely 0 authority to tell him to do anything that would halt his learning of this lesson. Every person has the right to their own anatomy, it is your duty to have them keep that right.

Reiterating: If you cannot get out of your own feelings, thoughts and ego - do not do the reading. You need to practice this above all else - how to remain detached. There is no judgement when it comes to these. You enter with love,

3. Bringing love into the reading:

No one deserves a reading regardless of if it is a constellation or just an observation where you are bringing shitty energy with you. You come into the constellation/reading with love and understanding only. If the client doesn’t know what they’re doing, if they dont know how to feel, if they are making the wrong decisions, you understand. I understand how you feel. Do you want to move past it? No? I understand with love, lets move you where YOU want to go then. If they want to move past it that requires a constellation and I know none of you are trained in that DO NOT MOVE THEM. DO NOT TELL THEM HOW OR WHERE THEY SHOULD MOVE UNLESS YOU ARE A CERTIFIED FACILITATOR. No ands if or buts, you are not experienced. Do not move them. Observing the energy, following THEM, never changing the energy FOR them unless asked by them.

4. If the topic of grief comes up like that of Seb’s reading where they have fallen into a depression, you leave that reading. The only reason i continued was because whatever spirit it was that showed up felt like it came for a reason and made itself known to me in a way that couldn't be denied, and asked for assistance. And I knew how to deal with moving through grief. That barely ever happens, and the energy was good and true so i followed it (I was spooked initially i hate all things ghosts). I didnt offer anything up to Sebastian in that moment than for a way for him to connect with that grief and the person who had died. I could have left him there, but If i can help someone with that grief and the permission has been given, then I will do so. I didn’t do a huge constellation, just a mini one, just got him back in touch and feeling ok again, and he did. Those two had a chat with each other, there was no advice given, it was just one soul giving love to another soul and reminding them how loved they are. It wasnt me saying this to seb, it was me representing the soul who was saying it through me. Do you notice the difference? I’m telling you this only to know what happens, but do not do it yourself. Unless you are experienced with this, because they can also not find comfort in this, they can fall even further down the hole and then you’ve messed up that person. One more time: Don’t touch it, unless you can get them out of it. And you can’t get them out, unless you are experienced. Observe. Only.

5. It’s important to understand psychology before jumping into someone’s energy. Otherwise you’re understanding only the very basics of said person. There’s many underlying reasons as to why someone is the way that they are. Saying they’re a drug addict will help you very little, but understanding how that addiction came to be in the first place can help you understand and guide them.

Here are some tools to help understand (Reading these does not substitute practicing energy reading, these are only a tool to understand trauma, addiction, and psychology):

It Didn’t Start With You - Mark Wolynn

The Body Keeps Score - Bessel Van Der Kolk

When the Body says No - Gabor Mate

In the realm of Hungry Ghosts - Gabor Mate

If you can’t be bothered to read them (I would advise it if you are doing energy work), here are some of the best sections:

[Keep in mind when “Addiction” is referenced, it does not always mean drug or alcohol abuse, you can be addicted to anything, from being addicted to companionship, to being addicted to cleaning]

“Perhaps your mother carried a wound from her mother and was unable to give you what she didn’t get. Her parenting skills would be limited by what she did not receive from her parents.”

― Mark Wolynn,

It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle

“Cutting off can make you feel free at first, but it’s the false freedom of a childhood defense. Ultimately, it will limit your life experience.”

― Mark Wolynn,

It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle

When the family has been brought into its natural order, the individual can leave it behind him while still feeling the strength of his family supporting him. Only when the connection to his family is acknowledged, and the person's responsibility seen clearly and then distributed, can the individual feel unburdened and go about his personal affairs without anything from the past weighing him down or holding him back. - Bert Hellinger (Psychologist, created Family Constellations)

“It is impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds, or hopes to find, in the drug or the addictive behaviour.”

― Gabor Mate,

In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction

“to suffer is alot easier than change. in order to be happy one needs to have courage.“ - Bert Hellinger

“Until we uncover the actual triggering event in our family history, we can relive fears and feelings that don’t belong to us—unconscious fragments of a trauma—and we will think they’re ours.”

― Mark Wolynn,

It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle

“when a couple has children, parenting often consumes all the partners' energies and they have little time left over for their relationship with each other. But the love the parents have their children is nourished by the love in their relationship with each other and is a result of that love. Often, if the couple relationship is restored to first priority, the parenting improves aswell. Above all, children feel happy when they have the experience of having parents who love each other." - Bert Hellinger

“It’s important to restate: not all behaviors expressed by us actually originate from us. They can easily belong to family members who came before us. We can merely be carrying the feelings for them or sharing them. We call these “identification feelings.”

― Mark Wolynn,

It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle

"You don't truly love someone until you love their fate, too." - Bert Hellinger

“Not every story has a happy ending, ... but the discoveries of science, the teachings of the heart, and the revelations of the soul all assure us that no human being is ever beyond redemption. The possibility of renewal exists so long as life exists. How to support that possibility in others and in ourselves is the ultimate question.” ― Gabor Maté, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction “When an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside as fate. —Carl Jung, Aion: Researches into the Phenomenology of the Self” ― Mark Wolynn, It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle

“The greatest damage done by neglect, trauma or emotional loss is not the immediate pain they inflict but the long-term distortions they induce in the way a developing child will continue to interpret the world and her situation in it. All too often these ill-conditioned implicit beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies in our lives. We create meanings from our unconscious interpretation of early events, and then we forge our present experiences from the meaning we’ve created. Unwittingly, we write the story of our future from narratives based on the past...Mindful awareness can bring into consciousness those hidden, past-based perspectives so that they no longer frame our worldview.’Choice begins the moment you disidentify from the mind and its conditioned patterns, the moment you become present…Until you reach that point, you are unconscious.’ …In present awareness we are liberated from the past.” ― Gabor Maté, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction “Once key connections are made, and we practice focusing on our healing images and experiences, we lay the groundwork for new neural pathways. Healing can then be surprisingly efficient.” ― Mark Wolynn, It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle

“Not why the addiction but why the pain.” ― Gabor Maté “When I am sharply judgmental of any other person, it's because I sense or see reflected in them some aspect of myself that I don't want to acknowledge.” ― Gabor Maté, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction

“If people are addicted to self-soothing behaviours, it's only because in their formative years they did not receive the soothing they needed. Such understanding helps delete toxic self-judgment on the past and supports responsibility for the now. Hence the need for compassionate self-inquiry.” ― Gabor Maté, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction

“Emotional competence requires the capacity to feel our emotions, so that we are aware when we are experiencing stress; the ability to express our emotions effectively and thereby to assert our needs and to maintain the integrity of our emotional boundaries; the facility to distinguish between psychological reactions that are pertinent to the present situation and those that represent residue from the past. What we want and demand from the world needs to conform to our present needs, not to unconscious, unsatisfied needs from childhood. If distinctions between past and present blur, we will perceive loss or the threat of loss where none exists; and the awareness of those genuine needs that do require satisfaction, rather than their repression for the sake of gaining the acceptance or approval of others. Stress occurs in the absence of these criteria, and it leads to the disruption of homeostasis.”

― Gabor Maté, When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress “All of the diagnoses that you deal with - depression, anxiety, ADHD, bipolar illness, post traumatic stress disorder, even psychosis, are significantly rooted in trauma. They are manifestations of trauma. Therefore the diagnoses don't explain anything. The problem in the medical world is that we diagnose somebody and we think that is the explanation. He's behaving that way because he is psychotic. She's behaving that way because she has ADHD. Nobody has ADHD, nobody has psychosis - these are processes within the individual. It's not a thing that you have. This is a process that expresses your life experience. It has meaning in every single case.” Vulnerability is our susceptibility to be wounded. This fragility is part of our nature and cannot be escaped. The best the brain can do is to shut down conscious awareness of it when pain becomes so vast or unbearable that it threatens our ability to function. The automatic repression of painful emotion is a helpful child's prime defence mechanism and can enable the child to endure trauma otherwise be catastrophic. The unfortunate consequence is a wholesale dulling of emotional awareness.” ― Gabor Maté, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction Here are also the QNA’s I have done that are in relation to how Energy works (This is not a replacement for actual practice, knowing this is NOT ENOUGH) I will continue to add to this with anything that I find would help. I’m hoping you guys take this seriously, and don’t attempt anything that could potentially harm yourself or others in a reading.

#QNA #FAQ

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uselessundertalefacts · 4 years

Text

This is a (sort of) fanfic for that one comic where gaster is very mean by the artist whose name starts with Z

More or less an extended version of this. Warning for vague discussion of abuse and trauma.

StrongFish91 likes a post from 20XX:

(pic of Alphys)

W. D. Gaster likes this.

———

Papyrus: HEY ALPHYS

I DIDNT KNOW YOU KNEW THE OLD ROYAL SCIENTIST?

Alphys: ……yeah i did :/

i had NO idea what he was doing, he never told anyone anything

im so sorry you can unfriend me if you want x.x

Papyrus: IT’S FINE

I JUST NEVER KNEW HE HAD UNDERNET

HE DIDNT SEEM LIKE A VERY SOCIAL MONSTER

Alphys: he wasn’t really???

i helped him set up his profile actually

so we could chat more easily and stuff

he didn’t use it a lot… just commented on other people’s posts

are you mad at me? im really sorry

Papyrus: NO

THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME THIS

———

CoolSkeleton95 updated status: Taking a break from UN for now.

ALPHYS commented: hope youre doing ok ^^

StrongFish91 commented: Come back soon punk!!!! OR whenever you’re ready. I’ll text you!!!!

———

Sans: hey i saw your UN post?

u doin ok?

Papyrus: yeah

Just need to take a break

Sans: okay

is anything going on?

Papyrus: No.

sans: lmao sure

Papyrus: Just leave it Sans.

I’m sorry. That was rude.

Sans: it’s fine just

you kind of… always say that when you’re upset

and I try to help and you get mad at me

so can you be honest with me pls

?

Papyrus: I don’t want to get into an argument.

sans: ….oh

so it’s about /him/?

…did you turn off your phone

welp

screw you too then I guess

———

sans: so im never gonna have kids but if russ ever has them im gonna use my brotherly authority to make their middle names foo bar and baz

sans: thats a programming joke

sans: al please clap alphys: ASJKFHKAJHSDKJ

sans: thanks for the pity al.

alphys: NO ITS GOOD

alphys: how is papyrus anyway? saw he’s taking a break from undernet sans: not talking to me lol

sans: i think he’ll be ok its probably just old stuff

alphys: yeah……

alphys: so please dont be mad but

alphys: he saw some of my old UN posts that your dad liked

alphys: and he asked me about them today so maybe thats whats bothering him?

alphys: im sorry i never told you but we used to be friends sort of. well he was my boss and i thought he was cool i swear i didnt know what kind of person he really was until after he died

alphys: ill delete all those posts he liked. i just feel so bad i hope papyrus is ok

alphys: are you ok?

alphys: are you still there? fuck im so sorry

sans: im still here. dont worry about it

sans: i was looking up his profile. looks like a cool guy lol

sans: kinda reminds me of papyrus and me

alphys: NO youre nothing like him!

sans: gtg im gonna talk to papyrus.

sans: im not mad at you

alphys: ok take care….. <3

———

dear papyrus,

writing this on paper because im 99% sure you turned off your phone. but i know you’re in your room. i saw you let the dog in. you dont have to talk to me right now but please at least read this.

alphys told me about what happened earlier. i looked at his profile too. i saw his comments. alphys said she thought he was cool and i sorta get why, if he talked and acted like you.

but youre not like him. youd never hurt someone on purpose. youre not arrogant and youre not cruel.

honestly, im more like him than you are. he used to say that all the time. he said i’d understand why he did all that to us one day. must have been a real idiot if he thought i understood him better than you did.

im gonna shove this under your door. ill be in my room when youre ready to talk. or you can text me.

love, sans (corny but true)

————

papyrus: Thanks for the letter.

papyrus: Please don’t think of yourself that way. You’re not like him at all.

sans: oh dang that was fast. thought you wouldn’t talk to me for at least another day lol

papyrus: Can we just drop this for now?

sans: sure thing.

sans: youre not mad at alphys are you? she means well

papyrus: I’m not mad. But I also don’t want to talk about this anymore.

papyrus: And I just sent you a letter.

sans: awwww for me?

papyrus: You can keep it if you want.

sans: ...

sans: you can have it

------

My name is Papyrus. I am a skeleton who lives in Snowdin with my brother, Sans.

Sans and I were created and raised by W. D. Gaster. He used us for experiments with magic. He died when we were still young.

Gaster and I have some things in common.

He used all-caps while typing, like I do. He would focus on small pursuits for long periods of time without breaks, just like I get absorbed in my puzzles. Many people liked him.

This does not mean that we are exactly the same. I would never do what he did.

Gaster also had some things in common with Sans. They both loved mathematics and physics. Both of them often felt depressed. Many people loved and supported Gaster, and many people love and support Sans.

Gaster thought they were the same, but they could never be the same. Sans is too kind, too compassionate, to be anything like Gaster. Even when we fight, it’s clear how much he cares about me.

We are better people than Gaster ever was. And we can help each other be even better if we support and love each other.

Love, Papyrus

(P.S. Sans I didn’t write this for you at first, but I want you to see it.) (P.P.S. I’ll start writing in all-caps again eventually.)

#holy shit its been a while #this is not necessarily an invitation to talk to me aboht this au #im still very conflicted on it and havent been keeping up #but ive been thinking about it a lot so. here we are #undertale fic #my fic #papyrus #sans #alphys #not tagging gaster because he deserves better

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cupidmarwani-archive · 5 years

Text

The Med Groupchat

Summary: The title speaks for itself.

WC: 1.5k

[crickett has renamed the chat “SEXY BITCHES”]

crickett: my city now

[Maggie<3 has renamed the chat “Gaffney ED”]

Maggie<3: Absolutely not

J. Lanik: Dr. Marcel, I can just kick you out of the chat if you cannot take this seriously.

crickett: rude

[J. Lanik has changed “crickett”’s username to “Crockett Marcel”]

[Crockett Marcel has changed “Crockett Marcel”’s username to “crickett”]

[crickett has added “HUBBY” to the chat]

HUBBY: Hi this is Ethan Crockett made my username and I don’t know how to change it

J. Lanik: I can change it in the chat for you I have admin privileges

crickett: no fun

HUBBY: Please change my username

[J. Lanik has changed “HUBBY”’s username to “Ethan Choi”]

crickett: how come u have all the power

J. Lanik: Because I’m an adult.

FreeWilly: who acts like a five year old lmao

J. Lanik: YOU KNEW I WAS SAVING THAT SORBET FOR FRIDAY NIGHT AS A TREAT FOR MYSELF

crickett: no need to yell

[crickett has sent an image to the chat]

FreeWilly: WHAT THE FUCK CROCKETT

J. Lanik: HOLY SHIT

[Maggie<3 has left the chat]

[crickett has deleted a message from the chat]

crickett: sorry babes i meant to send that to @EthanChoi

Ethan Choi: I’m breaking up with you

[J. Lanik has added “Maggie<3” to the chat]

Ethan Choi: You’re safe now, Maggie

Lesbian’s Wife: hey google how do i bleach my brain

Lesbian: Seconded

Maggie<3: Remind me which one of you is which

Lesbian: I’m Ava

FreeWilly: I remember cos Sarah never shuts up about being Ava’s wife

Lesbian’s Wife: I’m Ava’s wife <3

[J. Lanik has changed “Lesbian”’s username to “Bekker”]

[J. Lanik has changed “Lesbian’s Wife”’s username to “Other Bekker”]

crickett: not that i dont love and support dr bekker but this is the ed chat

crickett: since u wont let me name it the sexy bitches chat

J. Lanik: She’s married to Sarah and cardiology is always down here.

J. Lanik: WAIT

[J. Lanik has added “connor” to the chat]

[J. Lanik has added “MommyPower” to the chat]

Maggie<3: I love you, Nat, but please change your username

crickett: give me admin power

[MommyPower has changed “MommyPower”’s username to “Nat”]

Nat: I’m in a mom chat leave me alone

Maggie<3: How’s Owen btw

crickett: @J.Lanik give me admin give me admin

Ethan Choi: do not give him admin I’m begging you

[J. Lanik has promoted “Ethan Choi” to administrator]

[Ethan Choi has changed “J. Lanik”’s username to “BooBoo the Fool”]

Nat: Owen is great thanks for asking! He just started soccer.

[Ethan Choi has removed “BooBoo the Fool” from the chat]

Ethan Choi: YOU FOOL

Ethan Choi: I HAVE ACCESS TO ETHAN’S PHONE

Ethan Choi: AND HE IS EASILY DISTRACTIBLE!

crickett: He locked himself in the bathroom with my phone. But now I have his

Ethan Choi: WAIT NO I HAVE PRIVATE STUFF THERE

Maggie<3: More private than your dick pics?

Connor: his WHAT

[Ethan Choi has added “BooBoo the Fool” to the chat.]

[BooBoo the Fool has changed “BooBoo the Fool”’s username to “Lanik”]

[Lanik has demoted “Ethan Choi” from administrator]

Lanik: This close to removing you from the chat, Marcel.

crickett: u love me too much

Bekker: Crockett sent us all his dick earlier @connor

crickett: NOT ON PURPOSE

connor: ...is it a good dick

crickett: i mean yeah? i hope so

Ethan Choi: I’d like to stop talking about my husband’s dick please

Ethan Choi: (but for the record @connor it is a good dick)

Other Bekker: can we not talk abt his dick

Other Bekker: not unless i can talk about the strap but lanik said thats not allowed

Bekker: So he can send nudes but Sarah can’t talk about our new strap?

[Lanik has added “Dr. Charles” to the chat]

Lanik: Will this make you all calm down?

Dr. Charles: I don’t want to be involved here.

[Dr. Charles has left the chat]

Other Bekker: DAD

connor: lmao daddy issues

Bekker: @connor is this the hill you wanna die on?

[connor has deleted a message from the chat]

FreeWilly: can we all calm down lol

crickett: no. @connor dm if you wanna see my dick

Ethan Choi: …

crickett: i was kidding!!

crickett: haha unless……..

Lanik: Please do not plan threesomes in the work groupchat.

April: @Lanik bitter because you weren’t invited

crickett: OOOOOH burn

Ethan Choi: Does @no-ah have us on mute

April: yes

crickett: I’ll dm him some booty pics

Ethan Choi: Do not dm him booty pics

crickett: doing so is a public service

FreeWilly: to be fair Ethan he does get naked anywhere and everywhere

Nat: Including my birthday party >:(

crickett: in my defense u and april and sarah were also naked

Other Bekker: i remember that lmao

Lanik: This is a work chat.

FreeWilly: we should have a nude exchange

[Lanik has removed “FreeWilly” from the chat]

crickett: ooooh drama. are yall gonna break up

[Lanik has muted “crickett”]

Maggie<3: It’s so… quiet

Ethan Choi: Please unmute him he’s whiny

[Lanik has unmuted “crickett”]

connor: anyways

connor: who wants to talk about their trauma

Bekker: @connor Like when you accused me of murder

Other Bekker: when i was a kid my mom really hated me and ive never really felt loved and maybe thats why im in a constant state of loneliness and being unfulfilled and even though im the happiest ive ever been i constantly feel like im on the edge of a cliff and at any moment im gonna fall over the edge and die

connor: that was loaded

Other Bekker: you asked

Maggie<3: I was traumatized by seeing Crockett’s penis

connor: lucky :(

Lanik: Jeez kids can you lighten up a little

Nat: HE KNOWS MEMES HE KNOWS MEMES

crickett: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING THIS JIMOTHY

Lanik: Don’t call me Jimothy.

Ethan Choi: @connor why are you thirsty

[Lanik has added “FreeWilly” to the chat]

Lanik: It’s worse without you

FreeWilly: that may be the nicest thing youve ever said to me…

crickett: hey baby

crickett: baby

crickett: baby

crickett: baby

Nat: Use dm

crickett: baby

crickett: baby

Ethan Choi: What

crickett: since ur going to the hospital tonight can u pick up my meds uwu <3

Ethan Choi: Only if you promise to never say uwu again

[Other Bekker has renamed the chat “uwu”]

Nat: uwu

connor: uwu

Other Bekker: uwu

Bekker: uwu

April: uwu

Maggie<3: uwu

FreeWilly: uwu

Crickett: OWO

Ethan Choi: I want a divorce

[Lanik has renamed the chat “SHUT THE FUCK UP MARCEL”]

connor: lanik snapped

FreeWilly: hot

connor: WAIT CROCKETT DID YOU DO THAT ON PURPOSE

crickett: ;)

Bekker: What did he do

connor: i saw the dick pick. @EthanChoi you were right its nice

Lanik: Please stop planning threesomes in the chat

Ethan Choi: @connor I’ll set up a private chat

connor: yesyesyesyesyes

Nat: I wish I could get laid this easily…

April: You can

Maggie<3: I’m with @Lanik can you guys not be horny in this chat

Other Bekker: my two modes are horny and depressed

Bekker: Actually you have a third- hungry

Other Bekker: fair

No-ah: This is why I have the chat muted

[No-ah has left the chat]

[Lanik has added “Queen Elsa” to the chat]

Bekker: Rounding out the lesbianism I see

Queen Elsa: Is this even a chat I want to be in?

Ethan Choi: No

Maggie<3: No

crickett: yes

Other Bekker: to summarize: crockett sent a dickpic on accident and connor was disappointed he didnt see it and now hes gonna sleep with ethan and crockett and also i think nat and april are gonna get laid and also in case you didnt know yet will and jimmy are dating

Other Bekker: AND @Bekker IS MY WIFE!

Maggie<3: There it is

Lanik: Hi, Ms. Curry. This is the groupchat for the ED and I trust that you’ll treat this respectfully unlike some of the other doctors have been

Queen Elsa: Did you just call me a doctor?

crickett: do not listen to him this chat is all fun and games and dickpics

Queen Elsa: If that last part is true, I’m leaving the chat.

crickett: it only happened once and it was an accident

[Other Bekker has sent an image]

Other Bekker: look at my wife look at my wife look at my wife

FreeWilly: @April @Nat are you guys still here

Maggie<3: It looks like they both have us on mute

crickett: good for them,, we been knew they were in love

Ethan Choi: Please act like a person

crickett: bold of u to assume im a person

[connor has renamed the chat “tinder for lonely gay doctors and nurses”]

Other Bekker: DOES THIS MEAN WE CAN HELP ELSA GET A GIRLFRIEND

Queen Elsa: I have one.

Other Bekker: omg omg omg spill

Lanik: I feel like none of you are taking this seriously.

[Lanik has promoted “Maggie<3” to administrator]

Lanik: Never let it be said that I did not try.

[Maggie<3 has changed “Lanik”’s username to”BooBoo the Fool”]

[BooBoo the Fool has left the chat]

#chicago med #chicago med fic #one chicago #mine #fic #medgroupchat

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lim-lifeinmotion · 5 years

Text

A story about a boy just a little bit broken

I would like to tell you a story About a boy that is broken Not by much Only just a little bit if at all You see this boy was a happy child He did normal happy child things He’d play and sing and dance Even if not very good but oh how this boy liked to play In the mud, mud pies, mud soup He liked the mud he did Stuck in the mud, mud scrub, mud bath mud, mud, mud, mud, mud He was an odd little child, Liked playing with barbie dolls, ken dolls He had no preference really And eating snails He enjoyed spending time with his friends Although mum made this difficult sometimes You see mum didnt always agree with the other mums Im sorry you cannot see them anymore But that is okay because he had plenty of other friends to play with But none were like them He felt sad and lonely Where are all my friends? This boy also loved to fish! What a thing it was Spending time with dad who he never really saw One weekend away this little boy had a new friend Of who’m he’d like to play! A new friend he thought “I’m so happy” Mummy and daddy should we play? Allright said the little boy He knew nothing better Down his pants went I dont understand why? Touches his pee pee Nobody can touch that? But a new friend is a new friend “This is our little secret”? Okay So everynow and then They’d play mummy and daddy She was a lot older He was only 3 he didn’t know any better He did not want her to touch his pee pee Or lick his private parts But a new friend is a new friend Will everyone be angry? So as the years went by mummy and daddy wouldn’t stop fighting To count the days when they were happy? He was young but even he could count as high as 10? It’s all your fault we fight they said Time and time again If it weren’t for you kinds we wouldn’t have these problems “I don’t want to be the problem”? How do I not be the problem? Be a better boy, listen a little more, Maybe if i stay home I can show mummy I‘m a good boy I dont want you to go away This little boy found a new friend! Hip hip horaay He was so happy and excited A reason to wake up every day But this boy could never stay over Not for a whole night What if mummy was gone when I get home? Please take me home, I want to go home now. Once more mummy disagrees with the other mummy, I am sorry you cannot see them any more I’m sorry I’m not supposed to talk to you I have to listen to what mummy says Now they wont stop fighting, And we’re moving in with my aunty I liked her dog and her pool and her piano A few years we were happy, no more yelling at last But as this boy got older He saw his sister being yelled at Please stop fighting I don’t like to see you all cry When she was 15 she had had enough He didn’t want her to go but knew mummy would be happier if she did So she did We were happy again Daddy came home but the fighting continued Only with my other sister now It wasn’t long before she moved out A few years into highschool You see everyone in this family Was in the top of their clases They were not dumb or stupid They weere in fact extremely smart Nerissa was good at english,

drawing, she was also a very nice singer Tyla was good at netball and maths, she was so popular and so was nissy Ryan was good at maths and art and really enjoyed running and sports, He wasn’t the storngest but he could run and never look back But now everyone had moved out And I was again all alone The boy had no friends Although everypne knew who he was At school he’d walk and chat Bounce between groups making them smile and laugh You’re so funny ryan So many friends now! But on the weekends it was playstation and games Nobody wanted to hang out with him Out of uniform he really didnt belong And the yelling started again His entire life he did not think it would ever be him? But im such a good boy mummy I try my best every day Until one day It was time to leave You see out of nowhere he met a boy A boy he fell in love with Someone that liked him, thought was funny and kind It’s all he’d ever wanted The boys became close They shared their first kiss Their first everything What a time to be young, to be alive He would get bullied By the younger students Because the older ones knew his sisters Everybody loved them But they no longer went to school They both left way too young They were so smart and so popular I dont understand why? But this boy didn’t care The silly words people would say He was happy and in love He finally had a friend He started living with this boy, His family were like his own No fighting no yelling A safe and peaceful home for two years they lived together until they grew apart When you’re young you are curious There is so much to live for to see and to do He began to see the darkness again His home was gone again He had no friends The words now had power He tried but he let them in Fag they would say Push and shove him they would do In class he cried At home he died He began to wonder about death How beautiful it would be So he took the knife and made his first cut An addicion he would soon regret At first they were small On the wrist because thats were people did it right? But too many eyes saw You cannot wear an armband all year So he took the knife and took to his thigh So much more flesh to cut I can go deeper and harder now than before This boy truly wanted to die Bloody sheets Vodka bottles He stopped going to classes But did all his work He didnt want to be a drop out But he didnt want to go to school So in a bottle of chi he’d mix A bottle before, during and after school Nobody suspected a thing, He never wore uniform anyways He was never rude or inpolite The opposite in fact He had to be a good boy He had a job which he quit Becausee he drank and cut and cried Nothing could stop it A part of him had died So he decided he needed money Skipped a few weeks rent Was told they needed to talk So up he went and left He didnt mean to hurt them He didnt want to be a burden They found the bottles and the bloodied mess He didn’t want to make them angry So back he went “home” To the yelling and screaming The rules oh the rules Do not exist From here things fall apart and there is no more rhymes That little happy child, he was dead now, he died a long time ago and all that was left was darkness, sadness, an anti depressant shell He spent his days drinking and taking drugs and cutting himself. Nothing made sense, the only clear thing in his existance was the fact that he no longer wanted to be in this world and he made it clear that he was just waiting to die. I missed a lot out of this story, a lot of good things happened, he was so loved but honestly those memories are all but faded and bleak lost somewhere in the dpeth of the lonliness he had felt his entire lfe, the sadness, the emptiness that filled him. He was annorexic and coudln’t eat, he saw his weight go from 64 down to 48 where it would stay for some time. He met a lot of amazing guys but none felt right, none gave him that feeling that young cute boy did and no matter how hard he tried all he ended up leaving was a wake of destruction and hurt wherever he went. I could count 10 different people he ended up destroying, 2 earned the label. He never intended to hurt them, he really tried, he just wanted to feel loved, to feel something, anything at all. But never could. He sold his body for sex at the age of 17, he needed money to continue drinking and living because partying to forget was all he knew. What a messed up life this poor child had, no wonder he’s a god damn mess until the other day he knew anything bad that could have happened had happened to him, the other day when he remembered he was molested. He’s been raped by his best friend, molested when he was a child, sold for sex, beaten, thrown to the ground, abandoned on the side of the road by his parents. literally kicked out of the car at 3 or 4 years old and I just remember him standing behind the car screaming and crying, begging to let him back in. He been cheated on, drugged, ruphied, overdosed and died. He’s tried to kill himself on more occasions than I can count of both hands and both feet. He’s put himself in hospital but never once has he intentionally tried to hurt someone, Never has he ever laid another finger on another human being that he hasn’t blacked out and done in a fit of rage, childhood trauma is funny like that. I am not a bad person and I know this to be true but I feel like there is little more that life could throw at me, little more that I can have done to me because I have seen it all, been through it all and I am so angry at the world for this. For so long I see eyes that reflect the soul, I know how to play this game, I managed to trick myself into believing I was happy in order to stop myself from killing myself, you can sure as hell bet I will trick you too. When you look into my eyes and you see that pure innocent smile, that cheeky grin, the light sparking as it fills you with that infections glow. Sure some of the time it is genuine but for the most part I am just so sad and there is no way I want to put that onto anybody else, ssssssssso I will fool you into believing I am happy and so damn peaceful but my actions reflect someone so broken, so detroyed, someone that has next to no love or respect for themselves because how can I? After everything? Im working so fucking hard to make this work, to re learn the things I had stripped away from me, pice by piece, like tiny cracks forming on the glass I was constantly trying to fix and mend but like so many cracks I couldn’t keep up with the speed at which they were forming and shaterring. I became so very good at fixing them but now I am left with a broken soul, A shattered mind, a scarred body, left trying to yet again mend the pieces but she is so very tired, a life without a brake and I am ready to put the brakes on before I break because breaking is all I know how to do, breaking is what I do best but I just need a brake because it will break me otherwise. I know I am such a powerful person, I am so god damn resiliant yet still so fucking loving regardless of all this shit. I wonder sometimes how the fuck I am still here, kicking, working, moving forward trying to make a better life for myself, because with all this on a page and missing quite a lot, that is too much for one 24 years of “life”, That is too much for anyone to endure. I havent even mentioned my sisters life, how they both tried to kill themselves, “Home” was that bad that they would rather have died than exist. My youngest sisters boyfriend killed himself when she was 16 or so, she wanted to follow, had a note and the noose all ready. How much shit can life throw at somebody before it really is just starting to take the piss, I feel my life is just one big fucking joke because no way can this be real, no way can this be the reason I was put on this earth for. If there was a god why would he look at a 3 year old and smile telling him he was going to be sexually assaulted time and time again, beaten and abused for the rest of his 25 years in the world. How fucking dare you. How fucking dare you. This may seem like I am asking for pity but that I do not want, I don’t need your sympathy because it makes no god damn difference o me, It doesnt change the chemicals in my brain, it doesn’t give me a reason to get up in the morning or give me comfort in bed at night. I want you to know how fucking cruel this life has been and why I am so god damn fuking messed up in the deepest and darkest way possible. “Why” is the big question of endless possibilities but this is one of those reasons, one of the many possibilies, the endless ways my life could have gone and destiny looked at me and chose this path for me. Fuck you, Just fuck you and your bullshit lenses about flowers and fairies, I grew up with the monsters under my bed, the headless horseman was my ride through hell and back, Samara was my pen pall and nobody was there for me in the end to protect me, I can’t even protect me, I can’t say no to people so I just close my eyes, pretend to be enjoying it and let it happen. Fuck you Unedited rant because fuck reading this to edit its way too fucking much

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mrfreezebug · 2 years

Text

Can u rly blame anyone but yourself when you hate someone, dont tell them, keep them around, with hot and cold mixed messages. “youre being avoidant.” “you are too needy.”

Like telling me your newest problem with me without also just removing yourself from me.

I hate hearing about shit from this person. I hate that I had all this bullshit goin on in my life, they were a conniving hateful presence.

I lived with a man who i loved that would ignore me for weeks, months, and would act like i was the biggest stain on his shitty life. But act so happy around everyone else.

I was suffering from that to have another friend, who saw this happen, who broke up with them over the small shit they did see, try to therapy me and not listen to my please of “i dont need to cry to you if you cant handle it.” And NOT set up their own boundaries.

THEN hate me, not tell, and even glare at me in meetings, ignore me in groups, and tell me they thought i was pathetic for dealing with post trauma symptoms, that i was diagnosed with?

I couldnt ignore them because we shared space and their casual comments were cruel. I couldnt avoid them because then i was being “avoidant” and that was bad. Theyd suddenly ask to hang out. And i was SO FUCKING ALONE at this point. PTSD, Quarantine and moving and 3 break ups really did a number on me. I wanted to mend any ounce of friendship that had hobbies in common with me so bad.

We hung out every day for a week straight almost. dinners, shows, movies, even light cuddling. I had finally found meds that worked and it rly helped my mental state. One night i felt so happy that things would go back. I talked to friends about it. i was so happy.

then the the next week suddenly her boyfriend/my ex and fuckbuddy comes home from front lines shit and shes like “we are on a break because i cant stand the fact that he still sleeps with you.”

i wasnt about to stop. that small bit mutual of human touch u got from someone meant way too much to me.

I asked: is there anything i can do to still make you feel welcomed at the coop? i dont really know where else to go from here.

and then she just said “im gonna lay some shit on you its not nice and its about you”

but she never finished that thought.

and that was it! that was how our friendship officially ended. No closure no nothing. just a last message of “dont talk to me” and then hatred. Blocked me on everything, posted shit about us on social media which got back to me through screen shots from like 5 people.

started talking to my ex of 5 years again and called me a pathetic person who plays victim.

I couldnt go to certain camps up north cuz she was there.

i cant be in a community group chat cuz she is there.

i miss out on forming relationships with any of my comrades because of her.

I never cared about sharing space. i was always neutral towards her unless she was being vindictive and over dramatically annoyed at me.

tl;dr

Shit was brought up last night that stirred up a buncha emotions about a situation.

i guess theyd spend hours talking about me to people like picking me apart saying i didnt have my shit together im wreckless blah blah blah and just generally disliking me THIS WHOLE TIME,

and when id tell people id feel like they hated me, theyd all say it wasnt true. BUT THEY ALL KNEW AND THEY ALL JUST LET IT HAPPEN.

Thed lend an ear to this person while turning their backs on me just trying to figure out what was going on,

i have way more anger about this than i think i do :(

0 notes

irlcringekin · 7 years

Text

Callout post: @toroidion @fckhand @mashcores @googledocz @1cm3 @tcnno @tarnmas @p976 @p15s @harmacysts tons of other urls-- SEXUALLY HARASSES AND ASSAULTS OTHER MINORS!!!

I apologize so much for posting this into fandom tags but he’s a Transformers fandom blogger and everyone needs to watch out. First off,

Here’s a list of shit this callout post covers:

him literally SEXUALLY ASSAULTING and SEXUALLY HARASSING MINORS.

him forcing nsfw/kink onto both MINORS and adults.

him being very emotionally manipulative (guilt tripping, threatening suicide to force people to be friends with him, etc.)

SO TW FOR ALL OF THAT.

Here are his blogs:

@38 (current url!!!)

@fckhand (he goes back to this url a lot)

@googledocz (past url)

@8752 (previous url)

@1cm3

@tcnno (a previous url)

@tarnmas (a previous url)

@roughbf (some sort of active sideblog)

@ctdc (an old tfkin group chat he had -- this is where he’s proved to harass people the most!!)

@pcrv (old URL - still online)

@p15s (old URL - still online)

@skrnr (old blog - recently taken by the Woody Collectives)

@breakpng-remade (an old blog when he used to ID as Breakdown)

@harmkin (an old blog he used to stalk people on to send them n.s.f.w)

Past URLs:

toroidion

incelreaper

magistream

oddcorn

harmacysts

harmacysts-remade

ctnet

cybertronnet

breakdovvn

breakpng

skrnr

soliqsnake

paralons

Names he goes by to watch out for:

Pharma

Para / Paralon

Docs

Griev

Grim

Ten

Break(down)

He’s a minor himself but that does NOT excuse him from literally sexually assaulting other minors and putting them in danger within multiple group chats.

Please PLEASE PLEASE REBLOG IF YOU CAN!

Note: some people in this post are kin with certain characters. If someone is using a character name, it’s because of that. Don’t attack them about this.

Note: those whose names/urls/etc. are not censored gave FULL PERMISSION to be included and not censored in this post.

Note: again, this person is indeed a minor too (which doesn’t excuse him at all) but please do not harass him. Block him and spread the word to protect other minors!

He sexually assaults other minors:

It’s been my personal experience of being with him in group chats that many times he has just been asked to stop talking nsfw/kink because he’s a minor or it just made people/other minors uncomfortable. However, most of the time, he either refused or said he’d stop... only to continue. That’s all I’ve experienced. This obviously isn’t enough to warrant a callout post, however...

HE HAS RECENTLY WENT SO FAR AS TO MASTURBATE WHILE ON CALL WITH A MINOR (15) WHO WAS TOO FUCKING SCARED TO TELL HIM TO STOP.

I’ve been given permission by the person he assaulted to say who they are: it was @t4ilgate he assaulted.

It started off with someone messaging me about it:

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Note that @/harmacysts aka @fckhand (now @toroidion) fakes being a system in order to get out of most of the shit he starts. Ie. “oh my other alter did that, not me, so I can’t take responsibility for my actions!”

I later got proof of his sexual assault and harassment on a tumblr user by the URL of @t4ilgate (again, permission was given to make their url public):

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JUST BECAUSE THIS PERSON DIDNT SAY NO AND FELT PRESSURED INTO IT, DOESNT MEAN ITS OK. THIS WAS FORCED UPON THEM. THEY LITERALLY SAY THAT THEY DIDNT SAY NO BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO FUCKING SCARED TO SPEAK UP.

He later tried to defend them not speaking up as them “giving consent”:

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“They should not have given me the slightest consent if they didn’t want it” SILENCE AND FEAR IS NOT CONSENT.

“i gave them the option to say no multiple times” THEY WERE TOO SCARED OF YOU TO SAY NO. ALSO ACCORDING TO THEM,

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YOU DIDNT AT ALL.

“I’m genuinely trying to get better” YOU WOULDNT FORCE NSFW/KINKS AND YOURSELF ONTO OTHER MINORS IF YOU ACTUALLY WERE.

And here it is CONFIRMED that they were pressured and scared/forced into this shit:

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[ @/t4ilgate: i really tried to hint at trying to make things slow down when he started getting too sexual with me. he just kept asking and asking me until i just felt really pressured to just agree. he really took advantage of me, especially since i had something really similar like this happen before, i was distressed abt upsetting him. he kept asking me over and over how i was feeling, and asking me if i knew what he was feeling and doing. he kept insisting that i should be blunt whenever he did.

(name redacted): god - im so sorry you had to go through that ]

Again allow me to emphasize:

“he just kept asking and asking me until i just felt really pressured to just agree. he really took advantage of me, especially since i had something really similar like this happen before, i was distressed abt upsetting him.”

And in response to his “public apology”:

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[ @/t4ilgate: HAHAHAHA W O W OK THEN - 'consent' oh, you mean, constantly badgering me until my 'i dont know, im not sure' turns into '....ok' - 70% of the call was spent doing sexual activities he spent so long trying to convince me to do. - get fucked. ]

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HE DID THIS WITHOUT CONSENT AND EXCUSED EVERYTHING WITH “but... [after i intensely pressured and forced them into it] they barely said ok so it’s consensual!”

BADGERING SOMEONE UNTIL THEY GIVE IN IS NOT CONSENT. YOU ARE A FUCKING SEXUAL ASSAULTER AND YOU’VE POTENTIALLY TRAUMATIZED A MINOR FOR YOUR OWN SEXUAL GRATIFICATION.

I hope you have fun living with this knowledge for the rest of your life.

--

And here’s him being asked to leave, saying he’s “so sorry” for sexually assaulting someone, (note: the person telling him to leave says that he’s done this to MULTIPLE PEOPLE SO HE IS A REPEATED OFFENDER AND DANGER):

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As you can see, him asking “are you sure you want me to leave [after sexually assaulting a member of your chat]” outright shows that he’s not even considerate of how others feel LET ALONE THE PERSON HE ASSAULTED. He asks after sexually assaulting someone if they really want him to leave. Which, no shit asshole who WOULDNT want you to leave.

As a trauma survivor myself, this utterly disgusts me that this person @/harmacysts aka @fckhand (now @38) who is also the owner of @/ctnet would go so far as to WILLINGLY TRAUMATIZE ANOTHER MINOR FOR SEXUAL GRATIFICATION.

That’s cocsa even if it’s not physical or in-person, it’s still a form of sexual assault and harassment and I feel so fucking bad for the person (people?) he’s sexually harassed.

It gets worse!!!!

HE ALSO MADE A BLOG ABOUT THIS POOR MINOR AND HIS SEXUAL FANTASIES ABOUT THEM AND HARASSED THEM ON THERE TOO

Apparently this has happened BEFORE with other people as well many times:

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[@/t4ilgate: -and really sexually affectionate, but i never knew he’d do that w/out asking me first - YEAH - like he even made a nsfw vent blog to talk about him lusting over me and just feels so bad and wrong i hate it i hate it

(name redacted): he did that to us too

@/t4ilgate: the url used to be harmkin - seriously???

(name redacted): he used to have a blog called fakegimmick and he’d vague about wanting to fuck us (all 17+ year olds) all the time

@/t4ilgate: that’s so fucking sick holy shit i never knew

(name redacted): and he’d even send us the links to the shit he’d vague - it was so fucking uncomfortable - he even made fun of sex-repulsion]

Him making nsfw blogs to literally stalk and harass other minors sexually and to talk about them sexually is fucking creepy. He was asked to stop multiple times but DID NOT EVER STOP. This is harassment, this is cocsa, and this is disgusting.

If that wasn’t enough, then here’s more of what he’s done:

UPDATE!! -- his new url has changed to @38 !

@tcnno used to be a previous url (proof):

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[ like… i know ive been denying everything this whole time but… the person that was called out is in our system. im a newer host. i tried to get away from the whole thing because im a coward but that’s irrelevant. the point is that im letting go of my role as host and Pharma is taking that. if anyone is uncomfortable just leave the server its all fine. i doubt im going dormant but we’ll see. im really sorry i have to do this everything is too much for me to handle right now.

if anyone wants anything cleared out just ask. pharma is here with me so he can ask questions as well.

by the way feel free to screenshot that because im not hiding anymore.

oh and if you dont know whats going on just… ((link to the callout against him)) yeah. he doesnt do that kind of shit anymore and is getting better but still if anyone is uncomfortable, feel free to cut contact ] --- source (tcnno)

please note that he has excused his manipulative and abusive behavior and even the fact that he has sexually harassed a minor with his “system” and “headmates” before!!!!!

He has said MANY TIMES that he has “changed”!!

this is normal manipulative behavior for him. please do not fall for it! he is STILL VERY MUCH A DANGER!!

and he’s since then moved to @1cm3 as stated on his blog:

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and from this blog you can find a url trail from 1cm3 to @incelreaper and then back to the old @fckhand and over to @arknights and over to @mashcores and then to @googledocz where he deleted most of his content and then to 8752 where he seems to go back to the url @fckhand a lot where he admitted he was googledocz. he is now @38

UPDATE: HE JOKES ABOUT SEXUALLY HARASSING PEOPLE AND ADMITS HE DOESNT FEEL BAD ABOUT WHAT HE DID!

I guess he saw the callout post and all he did was make jokes about it and thus him sexually harassing people:

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and then even say he “feels bad but also not”:

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He forces nsfw/kink onto both other minors and adults:

Many people have come to me telling me that in all of the group chats he runs and/or is in, he has tried to force nsfw/kink shit onto minors MANY TIMES.

The below pictures in this next part include him going so far as to force nsfw/kink onto his old ex datemate. He’s went so far as to completely ignore their boundaries and they make commentary here and there about how scared they were (tw for vaguely nsfw implied text - but nothing outright nsfw):

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[ @/harmacysts: we still have that thing you suggested - we should do that eventually.

--- A note from his ex who we’ll call “Tracer”: I didn’t suggest it. ]

===

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[ @/harmacysts: well i just remembered a thing from our past and im-

“Tracer”: ???????

Harmacysts: try to guess

--- A note from his ex: here im playing along bc im too scared to do anything else ]

===

and here is where his ex datemate tried to LEAVE THE SITUATION but he kept forcing it further:

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Nothing is outwardly nsfw but his ex is clearly very VERY uncomfortable and tries to literally escape the situations he puts them in MULTIPLE TIMES to the point where they feel SCARED of him.

There were also a few other instances of him forcing nsfw/kink onto people:

He has posted pictures of himself wearing a collar in a group chat he used to be in. This made a lot of people very uncomfortable as he’s a minor so they had to delete the pic he sent. During the time he was wearing it/sent the pic, he kept talking about how “age regressed” he was and then later on called his age regression “pet regression” (possible fetishization of age regression and trauma?)

After being called out about it, instead of apologizing and trying to make things better, he deleted most of the shit he sent and ran from the situation and left the group chat, unable to take people telling him to stop posting nsfw things.

Most of it was deleted including the picture he posted, but here is where he sent it:

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note: NO ONE told him to send it and NO ONE told him that it was ok to. Here’s proof that they did not encourage him AT ALL and even told him to NOT post it:

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and here’s the aftermath of it where, when being talked to about it and asked to stop in a calm manner, he immediately guilt trips the person telling him to stop:

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[caption:

(Name redacted): I apologize but you didn’t have to leave. All I was asking was for you to not post such things into a chat with adults and - Yeah a few people have also mentioned that it made them incredibly uncomfortable as well as adults. I also don’t understnad the issue with me asking you to not post such things, and for adults to be informed of you being a minor.

Harmacysts: no its just best im not there at all]

However, after that, he once again began to force collars and kink shit onto people DESPITE BEING TOLD TO STOP MULTIPLE TIMES:

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Here’s where people tell him to stop:

Note, these are taken from multiple group chats,

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[ (name redacted): you NEED TO STOP POSTING THIS SHIT its making so many people uncomfortable and youre a MINOR. this isnt an nsfw chat. this is a sfw chat. and even if we did allow nsfw, YOURE A MINOR YOU NEED TO FUCKING STOP OR ELSE WE’RE GOING TO BOOT YOU FOR GOOD, OK? ]

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[ (name redacted): pleasee stop this is really uncomfortable im a minor and i dont wanna see this stuff.... please??? idc if youre a minor too i want you to stop!! ]

He’s made EVERYONE both minors and adults uncomfortable. He forces nsfw/kink shit onto minors. He forces it onto adults too. No matter how much people ask him to stop, he doesn’t.

He’s caused multiple minors harm and has even triggered quite a few of them into panic attacks with his blatant sexual harassment.

I can’t stress it enough that even though he’s a minor himself, THIS IS NOT OK --- LET ALONE THE FACT THAT HE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ANOTHER MINOR!!

He’s very emotionally manipulative:

Here are some accounts of him emotionally manipulating, guilt tripping, threatening suicide, and even trying to break relationships up out of jealousy.

This will be a mixture of people’s encounters with him and screenshots of what he’s said/done.

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[ (name redacted): one of the only things that made me stay and wait for him to get better was the fact he used to guilt trip me with "i think i would have kms if i hadn't ever met you" which made me feel important but burdened WITH A FUCKING HUMAN LIFE ]

=====

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[ (Name redacted #1): all he said when i once commented about the age difference between his first two relationships i knew of was "i can see why it's not everyone's thing" like................. hey

(Name redacted #2): oh my god

(Name redacted #3): so he perpetuates gross age gaps - also he’s still shoving his nsfw kink talk into minor’s faces - he’s doing it in other group chats

(Name redacted #4): UGh ]

so he advocates and even perpetuates for adult/minor and age-gap relationships.

=====

a few emotionally manipulative and guilt-trippy things he’s said but nothing too serious to warrant a callout post by itself, but it’s still something to include to show his general behavior:

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(he apparently used to go by this name and icon in a different chat)

EDIT as of 21/01/2018: since then, he has been changing to numerous URLs, FULLY PRETENDING TO BE OTHER PEOPLE, and trying to drag new people into his shit. He’s hurt even more people according to a few sources and STILL tries to excuse his actions with weak apologies and saying that he “has changed and improved”:

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[[ Pharmy boy (aka harmacysts/fckhand -- now @toroidion): yeah ik its really bad but if you need an apology/explanation or something i can provide one? just first off its been 5 months since everything Happened. ive improved a lot since then and i dont condone those types of things at all. it was very stupid of me and i take all the responsibility for it. i mightve been 14 at the time but that doesnt take away how bad it is. ((continued))--

I am trying my best. So first off yeah I did do sexual things on call with another person when i hadnt been given a proper answer, and i did pressure them into it. I admit that. I didnt mean to hurt them, I genuinely thought it was ok, but now i know better. i do feel very guilty for what i did. ill be more careful in the future and am sure to not repeat the same thing ever again.

then theres me talking about nsfw when people were telling me to stop. obviously thats not a right thing to do either, as everyone was clearly uncomfortable with it. i wont repeat that either, and will look after it myself.

theres also me blaming things on alters, and not taking responsibility for what they mightve done. i dont remember exactly what happened but from now on im sure to take note of what they do and apologize for them. ((note: he is NOT an actual system, does not have DID, and only started to claim to be one after he got friends who also claimed to be systems))

ive also bee manipulative in the past, and ive taken note of it. i used to guilt trip people and say shit like “no one loves me and youre lying” etc etc but i promise i will not do that again.

the only time i ever did stuff like that was the ones mentioned, i havent done the same before, and neither will i do it again. ((false: he has done many more things that weren’t documented due to him deleting messages after he was told off or called out))

sorry thats a bit sloppy.

but like. i promise ive improved, and i still am. ill continue to improve from now on as well, you can give me a chance to prove that if you so desire.

bottomtron: sorry but, literally, i cant. my abuser of 3 years that ruined my life was like this and i even physically lived with him. im sure youll get better in time but 5 months isnt long and my gut tells me to just do what i feel is right. so i hope you have a good run in life and you do get better. ]]

however, despite harmacysts/fckhand’s claims, he actually HAS NOT changed and continues to sexually harass and perhaps even groom other minors:

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plus it should be quite obvious that 5 months is barely enough time, especially since there has been little difference in his behaviour.

Small edit as of 2018/07/30 --- fckhand (now @38) proves that he STILL has not changed and does not care about nor respect any of his friends’ decisions to leave him after they find out what he has done.

He has no changed, will not change, and refuses to respect peoples’ decisions even after claiming for ages now that he does. He is lying.

TLDR --- this person @fckhand (now @38) literally sexually harassed another minor under the guise that their silence and fear was consent. He pressured them into it and harmed them. He’s extremely manipulative and toxic and is KNOWN to force nsfw/kink onto other minors. since then, he has been lying and trying to worm his way back into fandoms and people’s lives.

again do not harass him but by all means please reblog this post, block him, and tell others!

#fckhand #38 #callout #callout post

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fuck-customers · 7 years

Text

inconsistency is balls

this is a fuck managers.

my boss has always been very open and honest with me and other staff. he’s great. id consider him a friend as my work is pretty small so a lot of us get on REALLY well. we’ve hung out after work a few times even if a non-work setting and if i see him out i usually get chatting to him. on a more minor level we tag each other in memes. but. recently he’s really fucked me off. this is gonna be a long rant.

in january i had my performance review, basically it went well. i thought it was going to be bad i suffer from quite bad anxiety (which i know isn’t uncommon) as well as ptsd from trauma so i thought i was going to be criticised for being quiet and reserved, not pushy enough with sales, not being the best service person… nah. my boss was amazing - lots of support and encouragement and good words. gave me positive steps towards improving but didn’t say he felt bad about my service and told me i was the best in back of house which made me feel great cos i always worry about being bad at back of house. i felt really good about it.

i had a quick chat with my boss in february about summer hours. last summer i got literally the same hours i did the rest of the year and it burned me financially and im still picking up from it so he asked me if i wanted to work full time - up my contract to 30 hours (double my current 15) on a temporary basis so it goes down when i start class again and he’d give me around the standard full time 40 hours a week. if hours not available, id still be guaranteed 30. this deal was pretty fucking sweet so i agreed.

in march i had more than a quick chat with my boss, i was super upset and my anxiety was all over the shot. lots of personal shit going on as well as the stress of class and coworkers and other managers being shitty. we spoke for about two hours about everything and again, i felt really good after it because id been beating myself up and worrying. my boss solved the issues i brought to him and checked up on me a little more both at work n just via facebook or whatever to yak shit because he knew i wasn’t doing to well in my head.

my classes and exams finish in may. theres two occasions that i speak to him. one is the start of the month when my anxiety is still very bad as i still have exams. something personal thats not directly work related but involves him and other employees. again, a really good talk. after my exams i ask him for more hours and ask him when would be good to do the hours transfer. he tells me he can’t do this - too small a time to have a temporary change to contract, idk. fine. cool. he eases me into 40 hour weeks and now its july and im on my third week of doing a full 40 hours, well actually 45 hours this week as i took a lunch cover shift because of staff absence.

next week i booked off monday for a family wedding and the friday for a friends birthday, not as holidays, just as days off, assuming id work the tuesday-thursday and weekend. nope. he enters me tuesday-saturday, meaning i don’t get my friday off. nobody can swap with me and when i try and give away my shift (usually fine) he starts giving me a lecture about not taking my job seriously… also not how he usually treats me. finally manage to get it off when another manager confirms i asked for this off a while back but he asks me to work twelve hour shifts to cover and i agree cause i cant be bothered with his shit.

he acts moody with me all week, doesn’t make small talk, ignores a text i send him… one morning he doesn’t even fucking brief me ‘you’re in the stockroom all day so check up with x whose up there who’ll let you know what they’re doing’ acts really petty.

i dont understand why and don’t want to confront him but he’s back acting fine with me like nothing happened like lmao lets ignore the massive hissy fit YOU took with me even though you knew i needed these days off for a while. even more than fine, full of banter mostly - sent me a ‘funny’ text asking me if i could work an extra shift, talks shit to me when im in… wtf.

i don’t want him to bring back previous times ive trusted and spoken to him about stuff if he’s gonna get in a mood with me. we get on outside of work, so, it doesn’t make sense. whats worse i have my review coming up mid-july. i feel like its gonna be worse than last time or hes just not gonna bother doing mine right. i really want a promotion thats going as it allows you to work part time so will be ideal when i study but hes not gave me any indication about if id get it... got the last promotion almost asap as well so i really dunno.

honestly feel like it will happen again.

others have complained about his attitude before but ive never personally felt it until now. just want consistency. either be my friend whose also my boss or just be my boss. he can still be nice to me, just not… yno. i don’t want a boss who pretends to be my friend when it suits.

#submissions #fuck co-workers #fuck retail #fuck coworkers #fuck managers #submission

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spocksaestheticblog-blog · 7 years

Text

so i wrote some NATM fanfiction starring my two favorite morbid egyptian shitpost brothers ft. a very tired larry daley and also the police. and the assumption that its the franklin museum bc tbh im in PA and honestly, its definitely the franklin museum. no one gives a fck there. its in philly. no ones gonna bat an eye if a neandertal homeless lookin dude bursts into dust in the street.

it goes along with these two arts if anyones wondering

this is probably just chapter 1 but i dont know if im really gonna write more, honestly a lot of this is just vent for my own trauma so take that with a grain of salt, and dont expect this to be. good. or coherent.

content warning for CSA references and self harm, foul language.

The young pharaoh wakes up to the familiar voice of Larry Daley, letting out a few deep coughs as he clears the dust from his lungs and brushes centuries old sand from his robes. “Ahk, I know we talked about this before, but I want to make sure you’re prepared, because I think one of the mummies in the new exhibit might be. Your brother.”

“…Oh! Where are they kept, then?! I haven’t seen him in many an age!” Akhmenra leaps out of his sarcophagus, only to have Larry put a hand out to stop him in his tracks.

“…You heard me, right? Your brother. The one that you told me held a pillow over your head while you were trying to sleep.”

Akh winces, suddenly regretting telling Larry about that. “…Too dark? It happened in Egypt all the time. I’m sure he had a reason. I would have done the same thing, probably. Maybe.”

Larry levels him a patented Look, but Akh waved it off, bouncing in place. Eventually, Larry caves and leads him down the hall, only to have someone round the corner and smack directly into Larry, knocking him to the ground. The figure brushes back complicated, gold-ringed braids that end in golden bird feet, coughing and trying to speak.

“Hhhhheh. Hkhkk- hehk- hh. Hello.”

Akhmenra’s eyes widen at the sight of his brother in the flesh, bound in linens just as he himself was, scars peeking out behind braids along the back of his neck, only slightly paler than he had been in life. Even so, he still proved to be tanner than Akh, kohl smudged into the deep crows feet around his eyes only accentuating this fact.

“Hey, yeah, I’m Larry. I’m not sure we’ve met…?”

Kahmunra. He was actually here.

“…Oh. Okay. Hyeah… I remember you.” His voice is rough, but smooths out slightly the more he speaks, lisp ever present as usual. “…You tfhwarted my plans! My uh, evil plans, heh! Army of the dead and all that…”

Akhmen can’t help but run up and hug the older Egyptian, despite their history. Even when Kahmun flinches, he drags his brother to a bench and sits him down, immediately occupying the spot next to him. “How did you get here?! Do you remember anything else? Tell me everything!”

Kahmunra looks…slightly paler at that, wincing, but gesturing as he begins to describe his adventures as a wax dummy. “Honestly, it washnt that interesting. Shpent a lot of time in shtorage watching videos, mosthly.” He pulls his arm back when he’s noticed the bandages aren’t covering his wrist, so Akh only gets a glimpse, but it almost seems like his arm has…stripes. Something.

He watches as Kahmun jumps to his feet. “Hey, I heard ththhhat- that there was a groshshs- grocers nearby! Wwh why dont we go there? I hhavent eaten in centuries!”

Larry rolls his eyes, even as Akh looks rather surprised at the sudden outburst. It seems Larry is far more used to catering to the whims of every single museum member, and at this point he’s just numb to it and going through the motions. The young pharaoh, at least, has the understanding to know that Kahmun typically hates public spaces and anything that requires too much effort, and he certainly hasn’t been awake here long enough to know about anything in the immediate area.

“I suppose we could head to the Trader Joe’s before it closes. I’m pretty loaded, so. Go nuts, I guess. We should probably get you something to wear on top of that, first, though.”

Kahmunra barely gives them time to blink, making a beeline for the locker room. He’s out in under a minute, wearing sweatpants and ill-fitting sneakers with a jacket that looks far too big, hanging haphazardly over one linen covered shoulder like a fashion statement. “A’right, less’go, time waitsh for no one!”

It’s actually a shorter walk than he expects, but he’s still nervous about someone recognizing them from the museum, especially since he wasn’t given any time to change out of his own royal robes. Kahmun’s assurances that everyone assumes they’re actors is not much comfort, and he really isn’t looking forward to any sort of questions about his job at the museum even if that is the case. He’s not even sure why Kahmunra insisted on leaving the museum in the first place, and he certainly doesn’t want to ask, but Larry doesn’t seem to mind escorting both of them, so he shrugs it off.

There’s less people here than he thought. A few stragglers give him some odd glances here and there, but for the most part, it’s almost empty, and no one bothers them. He starts to worry, though, because Kahmun is simply staring blankly at a box of cereal on the shelf, looking vaguely lost. When he places a hand on his brother’s shoulder, Kah finally speaks, voice low and soft.

“I didn’t mean it, you know. I jusht. I-I didn’t mean it. Yhyou know that, right?” Akh opens his mouth to respond, but Kahmun wanders farther down the aisle like a frightened animal when Larry approaches. Akhmenra jolts slightly as Larry pulls him aside, giving him a confused look as he does so.

“Ahk, he MURDERED you. Do you really trust what he says? You don’t know he’s not lying.”

Larry’s grip on his arm is tight, almost painfully so, as he eyes Kahmun suspiciously from around the corner of the aisle. Akh can see from here that his brother is hiding behind a display case, trembling and avoiding his gaze, looking as if he wants to crawl into the shelves and die. Akh pries Larry’s fingers off of his arm, watching the pale handprint fade from his skin as blood flows back into it.

Without even blinking, Akhmenra slaps him immediately, almost as hard as he possibly can, right palm stinging painfully from the force of it. It’s the only thing that he’s really properly felt in a long time, and he hates it.

“…You don’t know what it was like. For him, or for me. You weren’t THERE. This isn’t something you could possibly contextualize! Don’t TALK to me. Don’t even LOOK at me ever again. I don’t want to see you any more.”

By the time he turns his head to check on his brother, he’s already gone. Distantly, he registers the sound of the automatic doors at the front of the store, and he bolts. This has happened before when they were alive, but never when he’s been close enough to do anything about it. He follows his brother’s footsteps almost instinctually, even when that leads him up a fire escape to the roof of a building, even when his brother is faster, even when he sees a sliver of still-lingering color in the sky, despite sunset having been an hour ago. It’s too early for this. It’s far too early for this.

He stops in his tracks. Kahmun isn’t anywhere near the edge of the roof, so… So what is he doing? Is he okay? Are things okay now? Maybe he just needed space? A million thoughts race through his head as he hesitantly approaches the roof access pillar that his brother is hiding behind. He can’t stop trembling, the residual adrenaline leaving him weak and nauseous.

The panic comes back full force as he rounds the corner. Where did Kahmun even get a knife? Who let him have a knife? Why would…Who would…The sight of blood is too much. It’s far too much. Akh finds himself wrenching the knife from Kahmun with more force than necessary, tossing it far over the edge of the building.

Kahmunrah slumps against the brick wall, eyes unfocused and lids heavy. He sobs openly.

Akhmenrah had never actually properly seen Kahmun’s arms without the linens. He desperately wraps linen around the fresh, deep gashes that bled too fast for his comfort, cutting off circulation. But below those are older scars, he sees now, thousands of them, more than he can count, raised skin like ridges along most of his arm. How long… How long had this been going on? Akh knew about the scars on his back, where the linen sat loose around his collarbone and raised, scarred flesh had always been prominent up the back of his neck. But those were not so obviously self-inflicted.

These scars, these were the kind he’d only seen before on a handful of teens that wore long sleeves in the middle of summer. The ones that strayed to the back of the group, the ones that avoided eye contact. He used to chat with them the most, because they always looked so empty and sad, but he had never…understood.

“…I know it was an accident. I know. I’m here now. It doesn’t matter any more. It never mattered. Please…Please don’t ever- You do not deserve this. Fuck, our parents deserve this, but not you. Not you. You did what you could. Please…Please don’t die. You deserve better.”

He watches his brother turn away slightly, no longer sobbing, instead letting hot tears roll down his face silently as he stares at the ground. He says nothing, and Akh almost wants to shake him to make him believe, hands still wrapped around the wound.

“…D-do you want to go to a hospital? We could- I could. I could just.”

“…I want to go back to the museum. To my sarcophhagus. I want to sleep,” Kah holds up his free hand in surrender as Akh opens his mouth, “-Just sleep. Jusht a nap. Just a quick nap. I’ll- I’ll be okay…” Kahmun laughs, and Akh swallows loudly, trembling still. “…This isn’t even the most blood I’ve ever losht. It’s barely anything. Don’t worry.”

Akhmen can’t even hold it in any more. He sets his forehead against Kahmun’s and wails. He sobs openly as he remembers all the moments in his childhood he tried to forget, tried to bury under dark humor and amusement and authority. He’d watched countless Jews beaten to death by his father’s hands when he was but a child, remembering vividly the face of one of them trying to reassure him, a five year old child, holding what was soon to be a corpse. He remembers being eight and barely being able to breathe from the inside of a pot, fingers burning from the scrapes he’s gotten trying to move the lid, falling still only when he hears pained screaming that he only dimly recognizes as his brother. He remembers the one time he finally managed to raise the lid of his prison, only to shut it again in horror as, for a brief moment, he glimpses nudity and blood through the crack of light. For all of his lifetime he’d assumed his brother was simply trying to torture him, that he’d been playing tricks on him all this time. But he knows what he saw. He knows, and he’d denied it, and he’d pretended all this time that it wasn’t real.

It’s fucking killing him. He knows, now, or maybe he had always known. Kahmun was…hiding him. From this. From whatever this was… And he had hated his brother for this all his life. He’d told people, actual people, that his brother had killed him out of malice. That it was an act of spite and hatred.

“It… It wasn’t an accident. It was never an accident. I couldn’t… I couldn’t let you live like this. I knew what the tablet was, I couldn’t…I couldn’t let you figure out how they made it. I couldn’t let you live like that. I couldn’t live with that. I couldn’t. I couldn’t look at that. I knew. I knew and I let them do it because I was selfush, I. I thought I could take it and mhmaybe this time would be… Maybe it would be differnht. But- But it isnh’t differint at all.”

Akh’s hands drop to his sides loosely. He wants Kahmun to stop talking. He wants to beg Kahmun to stop talking. He can’t handle this, he has no means of processing this, and he cannot handle this knowledge, this torment. Most of all, he desperately wants to feel some sense of betrayal, some sort of pity, anything else other than the intense shard of empathy that feels like hot knives through his blood.

“…I. I wanted to live. Not jusht…Live. I wh- to- I wanted to be okay. I wanted to be okay, just this once. I thought it would be okay if I cccould jusht. I deserved better! I deserved better and I ththought if I lived again that maybe everything wouldn’t… I thought it wouldn’t hurt. I thought everyfhing would be…Okay. I thought… I didn’t know… I…”

Please. Stop. Talking.

For the love of Ra, please stop talking. Anything. Please. Don’t let me hear this.

“…I didn’t- think. I didn’t think the tablet would wake him up. I thought he’d be dead. I thought things would be okay thhis time.”

Akh wishes he’d stayed dead. He wishes he didn’t know. He wishes they were both dead. He doesn’t know what to wish for. His brain scrambles for some semblance of hope or happy outcome or any shred of decency in the immediate future, but nothing is there. Instead, he grasps the wound again, properly wrapping it this time so, hopefully, Kahmun won’t lose any more blood.

“I knknknow you dduhn. nn. nh. srv- dhshr- you’re more worth this thhan I am. Yhhhyou deserved a life. Bhut this is the best I could do. I. I wanted you to have shshomenthing where you would be safe. Not…”

Akhmenrah frowns gently, holding up a hand. “…Kahmun. You need to stop talking. You’ve lost blood.”

“…I kknow. M’sorry bout th…The mess.” Kahmun coughs slightly, more out of embarrassment than anything else, clamping the hand of his good arm on his brother’s shoulder so he can use the leverage to pick himself up. Akh reaches a hand up weakly, as if to stop him, then lets it fall as Kah manages to stand on his own, looking none the worse for wear despite the paleness and the blood.

They both walk back to the museum in silence.

Akh’s feet stop moving when he feels an arm against his chest. When he looks up, there’s at least two police cruisers in front of the museum, and quite a few officers. Kahmun gently hooks his good arm around Akhmenra’s, tugging him backwards through the dark alleyway as slowly as he can.

“…What did you do?”

“I shsshs. I woke up- h hh. He was right there- hhe wwh. Lifting the lid. I panicked! I ddidn. tuh. uh. I. I panicked. I- I did shay i was sorry a-ah- about the mess.”

“Blessed Amun, what the fuck, Kahmun?! We aren’t even going to jail for this! How are we going to explain this?! What’s going to happen?! What if he comes back? Is he going to come back? Do you know what’s gonna happen when they take his body away?”

Kahmunra looks at him with a joy he’s never seen.

“…I did it. We’re free.”

“No, see, Kahmun, that body is going to decintegrate as soon as the sun rises. What are the police going to do once that happens, huh? They’re gonna see it was a mummy and they’re gonna come after ALL of us!”

Looking smug, Kahmunrah smiles, pressing his tongue through the gap in his crooked front teeth.

“When the sun rishes, someone’s going to see the body’s mishsing from the museum. They’re gonna have a case file, and a bunsh of police that are going to look like they got completely trashed and stole a mummy from a museum. No one is going to look for ush, Akhi.”

The young pharaoh eyes the police warily from the shadows, ducking both of them behind the corner so they’re safely out of view. “…Alright, but I sure hope you’re right. What…What do we do until then? You’ve got a busted arm we need to hide, and we do need to get back in the museum before sunrise…”

“…I saw a CVS around here. Let’s jusht hang out there like it’s the movie Mannequin and we’re Samantha trying to seduce Andrew McCarthy into giving us free sshit.”

Akh’s laughter is almost music, and he gladly follows Kahmun.

……………………………………………………………………………

#im super done looking at this so i dont even care if it looks good or makes sense #natm #probably dont read this if r under 18 but im not gonna straight up stop you from doing so #im not a responsible adult sorry fronds

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kingkimono · 4 years

Text

All my Thoughts During the Breakup

16/2/20

If he ever goes back to Bacolod:

- Beach Trip with chips and drinks, watch a movie sa beach and chill out. Atleast for the first time and last time dinala ko siya sa kung san ako nakafeel ng peace.

Diba nga we shouldnt wait na, im done wishing and regretting. We've been in such a rough path, at times we gave up but still fought and eventually naubusan ka ng gana. But I want you to know, my mind is sure na I will pick you over and over and over again till my last breath of air. I planned for this for almost 2 months, I've always wanted to bring you here but never got the chance.

*kneel*

John Christian Villarete Entrata, right here right now we're under a thousand stars and under a midnight sky shining above us. My journey with you has been such great ride that I dont want for it to end. I dont want to ever regret not doing this.

I vow to help you love life. I vow to be patient with whatever love demands. To share my voice when you are silent. I vow to live in your heart and to call it my home forever.

I vow to love you in all forms now and forever. I promise to you that I will engrave it to my heart that this is a once in a lifetime love. I promise to the universe that I will love you and your soul.

I promise to you in the most deepest and in sincerest form that no matter what challenges may arise in the future we will always. always. find our path towards each other.

palanggaon taka adlaw-adlaw, lutuan ta ka sang paborito mo sud-an always. panaad di tagid ka pabay-an. Ini tanan para sa imu.

I love you. I want to love you everyday for the rest of my life. I want to take care of you like there's no tomorrow, I promise not to leave you, to always cherish every moment with you. I want my present and future to be with you. Every single part of you.

19/2/20

the moment he chatted you he already knew the probability of it happening. to think bago k palang sa gnung situation.

sht ako na humahabol, i needed you to hold on for us. if we can fix it then bskit ayaw mo. You care for his feelings pero pano ako? Mas lamang pa ba sha kaysa sako. sa pinagdaanan natin?

21/2/20

Saw a bunch of pics sa phone mo and sht hurts haha! He gave you a hickey diay sa? I used to do that hahaha sht sakita. sakit kaayo. The fact na magkasama tayo right now, the fact na nasa tabi kita shit sakita. The fact na may kausap kang iba tas katabi kita ITS FUCKING TORTURE. Anong magagawa ko? Kahit masakit lahat ng to okay nalang no? Ayokong mawala ka e. Masgusto kong katabi kita e, mas gusto kong samahan ka e. Sarap umiyak hahahaha pero sige nalang.

Masaya ka naman sa pictures nyo, kahit pta parang tinatanggal ung puso ko looking at the pics. Nasa isip ko nalang basta masaya ka. basta masaya ka. Yun mahalaga. Bahala ng masakit sa part ko importante masaya ka. Sarap mag beg ulet hahaha. kung pwede lang

Shet sa, Jan 30 na nagchat and sht 15 days nalang ohhh shettt di pa umabot sa plano ko aghh ptangina.

Hold my ear again please? haha you used to play with it man sauna, I missed your hand. Kahit sa sandaling yun pwedeng itigil ang oras? Pwedeng 10 more minutes ato? Wil lalways have a soft spot for you fuck.

Bahala na, matuloy lang March 21 okay nako.

23/2/20

Things I want to say...

ROTC

The whole time. Sakit kaayo ato, a part of me ayaw kang makasama but a big part sako man ganahan ka ubanan, yokong magisa ka. Gusto kitang samahan. Shit the whole time na nung nakupo tayo tas you were playing with my ear puta fucking torture. for you to chat him during those time ptaa sarap magpakamatay nun pero sht mahal kita e. Kahit masakit i wanted you to hold my ear, i wanted you to nap lang. Fuck sana ako parin yung kachat mo gabi2. sana ako yung sumusundo sayo. Sana ako yung nagpapasaya sayo.

Sana nung isang time sa rotc nung before raati and you played with my ear sabe ko nun sa isip ko "Lord pedeng itigil nyo ung time, pwedeng dito lang kahit ngayon lang." Soft spot ko yun e, you always played with it man. Nung natutulog ka tas rested sa may thigh ko the whole time nakatingin lng ako sayo. Sabe ko "wag ka munag gumising, dyan ka lang. dyan ka lang" Shet I didnt want it to end kahit yun lang.Opened your phone ato and wala nasira din ako nun pero wala akong magawa, wala lang naman ako.

MASAKIT

YUNG SHT pag nag chat ka diretso chat ko because shet naisip mokong kausapin. When i try to talk to you e inbox lang ako. Napakasakit na part dun? At that moment may own problems ka with your new lover habang ako, ikaw ung iniisip ko lagi. Kung baga may problem ka with him and like shet para talagang walang ngyre satin. Like the whole time we were togethe ris just GONE.

Sht bai like fuck di mo ba naisip how traumatic, how painful, how sht I feel? Sht I want to be next to you pero you have someone else and fuck pinapatay ko sarili ko.

Replaceable

Naisip ko am I really that easy to replace? The point is okay depende yan sa tao on how fast they move on and all pero di mo ba naisip sa part ko? To respect me? Ung pinagdaanan natin? Fuck everyday iniisip ko nalang shet ganun lang kabilis palitan, kalimutan, pagsabihan na ayaw na. Fuck kase natrauma talaga ako, ang sakit talagang isipin. To think you found someone na, nakalimutan nako sa mga pinagdaanan natin, mga trips and carnival times and everything! Sht

Right now nasa other relationship ka worrying about that pero sht ako stuck satin, nmmroblema ako kase sht umaasa ako na kahit isang butil ng bigas na size na love meron ka sako.

First Love

Alam kong di ako pala date and ikaw lang cinonsider ko as my first real relationship, because of you ive changed for the better. I did stuff i never thought id do. Lahat ng to ginawa ko para sayo, fuck i love you that much. Iniisp ko nalang kung minahal mo ba talaga ako kade chan ang sakit sakit na wala lang ako sayo, like im like any other person sa room. Fuckkk

28/2/20

its so easy for you to say move on, na ayaw mo na na dili naka. its bc you already found someone to fill the hole that im the one thats suppose to complete that. Its so easy for you kase you dont have to worry naman, all your love for me you gave it to him.

In the process of all these things if he wasnt in the picture or anyone in general then there would've been a higher probabilty of you coming back sako. You've given so much emotions and care for this new person na dumating that you forget about me na, na you think okay ra bc you yourself kay steady naman, you dont have to worry naman.

The amount of trauma and pain this brings me baya. Lets say di ka nga naghanap lain and you were still single and I didnt want to get back together. Theres still a respect jpon ba kay shempre dugay baya ta, naa jud tay gipagdaanan together. Sa ginawa mo and how fast things are going I cant help not to feel this way.

Imagine if you were in my shoes, ano mararamdaman mo? Kase with all thats happening may someone kana to kung baga a safety net because if nag antay ka o hinde naa kana someone. The point is i needed you to hold on gamay ra, never ever jd ko nakathink na mangitag lain, during those times need ko tlga iprocess everything. Imagine mo while ga heal i found out naa diay ka bago, how shtty jud sa feeling ana nakakaoff guard. Out of all ppl thst i thought would understand ikaw pa jud gaingani. Jaya madali sbhin para sayo na move on nako.

How can i move on kung in the first place di ganto ang iniisip ko ever. How can i move on kung gaheal ko from what happened tas someone comes into the picture tas suddenly you want us to be friends nalang. Di mo ba inisip yun? I feel so replaceable, na madaling iwan, ipagpalit agad2. Never ko inisip na maghanap lain because you are here! Us! I believe in us, na this is the one big wave in the rlntship kung san maayo nato and its infinite na. Pero hinde, u decided to give your heart agad, to leave me. Thst in it self is a choice.

6/3/20

Realization:

Found out na he told his roommate na sauna na dugay na siya ganahan makipag bulag, di nya magawa because ayaw nya na siya ang makipagbulag and probability of mag mahay. The one time makipagbulag ko was like a ticket for what he always wanted. The ticket to set him free. Now I realized na the reason why he doesn't want to fight for us, why he's okay with everything, why he doesn't care about me, why its so easy for him.

An analogy kung san there's one room full of boxes, boxes that represent us, you and me. It's like you were preparing your boxes in a corner and everything packed up. You were just waiting for the one thing for me to breakup so you could bring everything of your boxes. I was too busy loving you na di ko namalayan you were already packing your things, to leave the moment I said those words. Its why im stunned, why I feel lost, confused, in pain. Then I realized the moment I entered that room, it was my boxes nalang natira.

I never thought to myself to breakup up completely or to even find another, I know for a fact that what I felt during those moments were real and I had all the right to feel them. Prinsipyo ko is di ako makipagbulag but the one time those words came out my mouth thats when you felt relief.

Just to make it clear lang, wala ko gamahay na nakigbulag saimo or with what happening right now. Now I know kung bakit ganito. The only mahay I feel is that I believed in your promises but okay ra. I know di ako magmahay because I know for a fact that it was never my intention to breakup and it was not my fault to begin with. and never my fault to feel that way and all the efforts I made. With whatever mindset that you have right now e respect ko yan.

Thats the thing jud kase ive been looking at this problem in different angles pero wala jud ko kathink ug any other reasons pa onto why you dont want to fightna, its like kung anong e reason mo sobrang kulang, sobrang babaw. Nung nalaman ko na ganun na pala mindset mo before thats when it all hit me. Kaya madali mong na move on, so totoo lahat ung sinabe mo that very night nakigbulag ko.

Point of the matter is I was hurt with what you did and tyes I told you na dili nako pero in my mind you always chase the person you love man. With the knowledge about you wanting to leave this relationship in the first place prang it was a ticket out for you. We could fix it but yes karon new set of reasons napud and thats okay. Sabe nga diba pag gusto may paraan, kung ayaw may dahilan. Masyado akong naniwala satin na di ko namalayan hinanda mo na palang matapos haha.

I dont think I'll ever get the closure that I need bisag kapila pa ta mag talk. Kase in ever moment that I want to talk about it kulang jud na reason for me. I think I'll find my own closure, kabalo ko not today or tomorrow pero someday. I dont want to force myself onto someone na iba na ang laman ng pusot isipan, di ko rin alam kelan ako titigil sa pagiisip ng ganito. Umaasa nlng ako na siguro balang araw maka self realized nako sa tanan, that I should stop fighting kay ung taong ipinaglalaban ko wala namang gana, na ako lang din ang talo, na ako lang din ung tanga.

Ive always thought na I deserve evrything that you did to me but

8/3/20

patuloy akong lumalaban pero ano pang point? kung yung ipinaglalaban mo ayaw na. Mahal mo na siya e, nahulog kana e. Nung una durog na durog ako and i blamed myself for everything, inisip ko lahat ng sinabe mo na bat ako nakipag break or dapat nag sabe ako na babalik ako.

Pero nung nag sabe sakin yung bird about what you said even before nung break dun nako natauhan, yun na yung piece na magcomplete sa puzzle nato.

Whatever excuse or reason naman kase sabihin mo about what happened between us di parin talaga e. Kulang na kulang and to think ganun lang ako kadali ipagpalit, na sabihan na "kaibigan" lang tayo parang shet haha. Sakin lang narealize mo ung pananakit mo saken kahit late mo ba realize un. I hope balang araw marealize mo din tong sakit na bonigay mo sakin ngayon, with everything that you are doing now.

Now i only ask myself kung kelan ka na fall out of love. nung magkasama tayo ako pa ba nasa isip mo, ako pa ba ang mahal mo nun. Sa lahat ng ngyare satin ngayon iniisip ko nlang lahat ng pinagdaanan natin, nung mga fights na malala nung ldf tayo, na kahit sobrang lala nagawa parin nating ayusin, siguro iba na nga talaga ngayon. Ngayon nawala na pala pagmamahal mo.

Alala mo nung bago pa tayo tas I joined nbdc kase may bacolod event yun? Alala mo nung first natin na pagkita? naalala mo nung first natin na kumain sabay, sa may jollibee. naalala mo nung first time mo dito? alala mo nung pag uuwi nako pabalik duma grabe iyakan natin. tas pagaalis na bus tatawag ka tas maririnig mo nlng ung iyak? naalala mo nung sinurprise kita nung sa bahay tas may fairlights and pictures haha. alala mo nung una mong hinawakan kamay ko? nung unang beses ka nag ily saken? haha.

Wala lang sarap alahanin lahat yun, kase yun ung nagpatibay satin e. Ngayon isa nalang pangarap ko para sayo, sana kung ano man meron sainyo ni josh sana masaya ka lang lagi, sana ingatan ka nya ng mabuti ah? Gusto ko lang namang mapasaya ka and kung si josh na ung magpapasaya sayo, sige nalang. Wala naman na akong laban sakanya.

Ngayon, eto lahat ng to and with everything thats happening. Mahal na mahal kita ah wag mong kakalimutan yan, at dahil mahal kita papalayain na kita okay? Wala nakong laban saknya, kahit ikaw ayaw ng lumaban kaya sige nalang. Im letting you go na ah, puhon kung mahal mo pako balik ka ah?

I love you, mahal kita, ginahigugma taka, palangga taka, ping kanunay

11/3/20

maawa ka sa sarili mo

naaawa ako sa sarili ko, nasa harap ko na yung sakit pero eto parin ako umaasa sa tayo.

buong araw magkasama kayo, sa gabi lang tumatawag, nagchchat. san ba ako banda sa puso mo? anong parte ko sa buhay mo? ganun na ba kababa ng pagkatao ko na madali lang ako mahalin at iwan? madali lang sabihan na namimiss ako pag bored kana? pano nako. nao nako.

13/3/20

even if you do come back

will you remember him whenever we kiss?

will you think of him when im lying next to you?

will you look at me the way you looked at him?

will he be your totga?

will I be the one to fill your heart for now?

am i your temporary home?

there's so many uncertainty with all thats happening right now. do you want me back because you realized how much you truly love me OR do you want me back because he's gone?

He didn't choose you and im here still choosing you everyday and i dont know if thats a good thing or not.

it scares me because the more i spend my time with you, the more that i think about what you two did. what you did to me. how you pushed me away. how i begged for you.

if we're going to make this work i probably need constant assurance from you. its so scary how im letting you back in again

you wanna know the scariest part? its if i do love you again, if i kiss you again, if i hug you again, will you still be thinking of him?

3/23/20

March 23,2020

I wanted to write this down kase its been on my mind a lot lately. I do love him sobra pero it makes me question things na will he ever love me the same way? Nung minahal nya ko nung una babalik pa ba yun?

I'm genuinely happy for him kase may friends na shang madame dito sa SU. Im glad that he's growing as a person and is participating in a lot of activities pero alam mo yung feeling na parang di kana part sa buhay ng isang tao?

Before any of these things happened nung mageenroll pa kame we made a promise na mag uban and together kame sa mga bagay pero di naman talaga pwede ano? Masama ba akong tao kung ayaw ko siya sa ibang tao? Na gusto ko aken lang sha? Di naman completely cut off ppl sa life nya pero tanggalin lang yung mga pinagseselosan o mga nanakit saken. Masama bang hilingin yun?

Honestly i dont know how I feel abt everything right now. All the pain ive been through, sa lahat ng masasakit na bagay na ginawa nya saken. Na palitan ako agad, na hindi lumaban. Kahit ngayon hindi ko na maramdaman yung dati nyang pagmamahal. Di ko alam kung san ako banda sa buhay nya. Its like I lost him.

He's there I can see him. I can talk to him pero theres this feeling na I already lost him. I ask myself if im a bad person for wishing na di sha magkaibigan ng iba, kase takot akong iwan. takot akong masaktan ulit. Bakit nawala siya. Bakit nararamdaman kong wala na ako sakanya.

Di ko alam pano ko nakakaya lahat to. Its like parang nasa isang malaking boardgame ako tas i dont know what im suppose to do. I feel so stuck. i feel so used. i feel so unloved. Bakit hindi nya makita ung sakit na nafefeel ko? Bakit parang kasalanan ko lahat. Kasalanan ko bang maramdaman lahat ng to?

I want him in my life because i love him pero st the same time I wish na sana dun nalang sha sa La salle nag aral. Sana di nagbago setup namin. Bakit bung nasa bcd sha mas minahal nya ako. Bakit kung kailngan magkalapit na kame dun nawala ang pagmamahal. Bakit nung nasa bcd sha andun ung pagmamahal nya. Ang sakit ng lahat. Di ko tlga alam ang gagawin ko.

3/24/20

March 24,2020

If he finds another man. if he chooses another and not me then thats when i'll accept. he never really did love me. ahh sakita sakong heart nganong pasakitan rako nganong ako nalang sige pasakitan.

you didnt even try to talk to me the next day. i waited for you again. you kept saying na I wasnt just for libog. then atleast kamustahin mo naman ako. oo alam kong wala kang responsibility sako pero respetuhin mo naman ako kahit bilang tao.

29/3/20

Naisip ko lang na for us to completely heal from all these issues is maybe we need some time and space apart sa ba.

I want to focus on me kase parang all these time focus lang ako sa pagheal mo na nakalimutan ko din na ako din pala need mag heal. Gusto kong mag move on and heal from what happened satin and what you did. Gusto kong ma embrace yung emotions ko and all my thoughts talaga e. As im healing ikaw din, you can be as free as you like and heal on your own pace ba.

Maybe kaya di ako makaheal is because Im still talking to you. Im okay with us ga follow sa social media and all pero for us to chat mahirap for me. Oo call me marupok/overthinker pero I cant help it if gnito ako thats why need ko muna time for me. As you said di mo nga alam kung takot kang mawala ako and I think thats enough reason for me to realize everything na snbe mo na parang yan na yung heaviest rock you could throw at me.

Di ko snsbeng pagod nakong humabol pero sguro tama ung sinabe mo na "if the universe permits" or mga ana na mindset mo. Siguro kaya lagi akong nag ooverthink is because what if nag heheal ako pero at the end may bago kana and it hit me pud na if kita, kita jud.

Im taking a risk right now and i know murag wala rani para simo akong gitype but its oaky layhan rako makabalo ka. Gusto mo friends ra sa ta and all pero even before tayo maging friends mag heal sa dagay ko kay lisod pa kaayo for me ngayon.

di ko din naman kasalanan kung naghahabol ako sa wala, importante saken humabol ako at di sumusuko. Layhan rako na if mubalik ka, bumalik ka bc love ko nimo like the first time na nagkaila ta, I dont want na bumalik ka for wrong reasons. Di sa laman ta tigchat2 ha? Para din makathink ka for yourself and heal from the pain and i'll do the same.

18/4/20

sha ganahan mag chat ko pero bakit ana ra sa first tas katagalan ako nanaman sige ga make topics ako sige bikis reply ako sige ghulat sa reply nya tas bilis ko pang replyan. Pag napapnsin nya na maikli na replies ko mag send lng sha ng selfie aasa ulit ako. :( alam ko namang di paren sha nakaget over kay ferido. di ko lang alam kung bat nasasaktan at umaasa p sha saknya kaysa sa possibility namen. di ko nga alam kung baket 2 weeks lng get over saken e.

feel ko kung babalik man sha sako baka yun lang nmn tlga pakay nya, mabayaran ko sha at sex. yun lang nmn habol ng muchst sako. di dagay ko worth it mahalun kung igo rako for pleasure. sakit kaayo na mura nakog tanga na nagaantay sa reply, na para bang ako lang may pake na parang pilit lang sakanya. 🥺😞😭 sakit parin ako heart tas ganto pa. sinaktan na gani ko pero hopeful r gihapon, dawaton gihapon. ako raman dagay naay dakong love ani. masasaktan din naman ako sa huli kung panandalian lang din naman pala ako. :( gusto kong umiyak pero di ko kacry kay naa si papa. gusto ko sumigaw pero di man. hilak nalang ako ng patago. iiyak nanaman ako. mahina paren ako.

4/24/20

im throwing myself to a person that could care less if i disappeared. idk na tired of giving my 100% to a person that doesnt even want it and couldnt even give me attention. bahala kana sayang lang effort ko might as well conserve it to someone na crazy for me and wont give up on me.

u crave for lambing, love, attention jud no pero obvious man na hindi saken. U crave it from someone else. alam ko naman kanino. I still feel it. I can still sense it.

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