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americasass91 · 5 months

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Use Me

Hello there! I know I’ve been M.I.A. for awhile. And literally haven’t written anything in like 8 months. I’ve been going through a shit ton. (Divorce, job change, all kinds of fun stuff) And I really lost my spark to write. And then the Fnaf movie came out. And seeing Josh Hutcherson on screen again lit a fire inside of me! That boy was my original crush (long before Evans). Peeta Mellark will forever have a piece of my heart. That being said, here’s a little something starring Mike Schmidt! I know, I know. It’s not a Chris Evans character? What’s wrong with me? Josh is fucking pretty. That’s what’s wrong with me. Like, I have a problem. Don’t get me wrong, I still think Chris is pretty and hope the best for him. But…he’s not been my muse lately. I said a long time ago that I wanted Josh to fuck me like a screen door in a hurricane. And it apparently still holds true today! So, I hope you enjoy it even though this is not a part of your regularly scheduled programming! Also, this takes place after the events of FNAF. Also, Also. Not sure if the people on my Taglist for Chris’ characters want to be tagged in Josh’s. If so, just let me know!

*DISCLAIMER*, If you’re under 18, this is nothing for you to be reading. Go away.

Words: 3.3k

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Smut, p in v smut, oral(f rec), unprotected sex, language, Mike being good, um I think that’s it

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“Listen Y/N, I’m gonna need you to stay and work the next shift.”

You turn around and look at your manager as if she had suddenly grown 3 heads. “Excuse me? I don’t think I heard you right. It sounded like you said you needed me to stay and work the next 8 hour shift.”

She rolls her eyes as she goes back to charting the current patient she’s working on. “You know that’s exactly what I said. Look, I have no other options. Hannah called off.”

“Again? This is like the third day in a row! How is that fair exactly?” You put your patient’s paperwork down and cross your arms over your chest as you stare at her expectantly.

She doesn’t even bother looking at you as she answers. “I don’t know what to tell you Y/N. She says she’s sick. I can’t have her come in if she’s sick.”

Now it’s your turn to roll your eyes. “If by sick you mean hungover! She literally posted on Instagram last night about her night out on the town!”

She glances over at you. “There’s no way to prove if that was from last night or if it's older. Now just get back to work and I’ll let you have an hour and a half break instead of an hour.”

Now you’re pissed. “Yeah, see, that's not going to work for me. I’ve already been here for 16 hours because Kim was late. I’m not working Hannah’s whole ass shift. I have plans. I finally get to see my boyfriend after weeks because our schedules weren’t lining up. I’m not staying.”

“You really don’t have a choice. I wasn’t really asking you, I was telling you. There’s no one else to cover.”

Tears started welling up in your eyes out of frustration, exhaustion, and the possibility of not being able to see Mike again. “There’s a bunch of other people that can cover! What about you? You’ve only been here 8 hours. It would make more sense for you to stay.”

She turns in her chair to look at you now. “Y/N, I have actual plans. My husband has a work party. And the rest of us have husbands and children to attend to. Not just ‘hanging out with my boyfriend.’

Now you’re seeing red. “So what you’re saying is because I’m the only nurse on this floor not married, I get the shitty end of the deal and have to cover when other people call off?”

“No. If you had legit plans then I’d be more sympathetic. But you haven’t even been with this boy that long. You don’t need to spend every free moment with him.”

“I’m sorry but who do you think you are? My mother? Because I’m a grown ass woman. And if I want to hang with my boyfriend on my time off then I’m going to! I don’t really need your approval for it. I’m not staying.”

You grab your Stanley and start heading towards the locker room to grab your stuff.

“Y/N! If you don’t stay, then you can forget about this job.”

You turn around just before reaching the end of the hallway. “Well, then I guess you’re going to have to stick around and cover Hannah’s shift. Stick it up your ass, Jan. I quit.”

You don’t even stay to hear what she has to say. You quickly run to your locker and grab all of your stuff out before you start to cry. You can’t believe you just quit. And it’s not just because of your boyfriend. You haven’t been treated right since the first week you started. This was just the last straw. You just hope Mike won’t be disappointed in you.

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After a quick shower and outfit change at home, you reluctantly find yourself pulling into Mike’s driveway and getting out of the car. You haven’t gotten to see him in about 3 weeks and you know you look like shit from not only your long ass shift but also because you cried on the way over.

You head to the front door and open it up. He always leaves the door unlocked when he knows you’re coming over, and get hit with the aroma of pasta. Mike’s cooking you dinner. That makes you want to start crying all over again. He’s the sweetest.

“Babe? Is that you?” You hear him call from the back of the house. He quickly comes towards the front and sees you. His smile falters when he sees the state you’re in. “Babe, are you okay? What happened?” He quickly wraps you up in a hug.

You try your best to keep it together but a few tears fall. “I quit today.”

He pulls out of the hug but keeps his arms around you. “You did? Babe, that’s fantastic!” He pulls you back in for another hug and picks you up to twirl you around.

Your mood instantly lifts and you can’t help but laugh. “It is?”

He sets you down and pulls you in for a quick kiss. “Of course it is! That place was treating you like shit! And Jan was a bitch! What finally made you do it?”

He lets go of all but your hand and leads you into the kitchen so he can continue making spaghetti. He sets you down at the table and pours you a nice big glass of wine he bought just for tonight. “I want to hear all about it.”

He goes back to the stove and continues making dinner while you rehash the last 16 hours.

He turns around with the sauce spoon in his hand and his other on his hip. “Hannah called off again? Jesus, how does she still have a job? Didn’t she do this to you last year during Christmas?”

Oh, shit. You had forgotten about that. She did do this last year! You had plans to fly home and see your family for the holidays when Hannah unexpectedly came down with ‘the flu’. Jan had called and needed you to work since nobody else could cover. You felt like since you were still new at the time that you couldn’t say no. Now you’re getting pissy all over again.

“Oh my god! You’re right! Maybe the bitch has some vendetta out against me. I’ve never done anything to her though! I’ve been nothing but nice!”

Just then your phone dings, alerting you of a text. You quickly check it. It’s from Hannah.

I can’t believe you threw a tantrum and quit just because I wasn’t feeling my best and couldn’t come in. Wow. All so you can hang out with your piece of shit delinquent boyfriend. You sure have your priorities straight.

“Fucking cunt!” You yell as you throw your phone across the table. Then immediately you slap your hands over your mouth just as Mike turns around to see what you’re yelling about.

“What’s wrong? Who was it?”

You remove your hands from your mouth. “Mike, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to curse that loud. I hope Abby didn’t hear me.”

He waves you off. “Babe, she’s not even here. She got invited to a sleepover at Natalie’s house. We’re alone. You’re good.”

You sigh in relief. “Thank god! I don’t want any of my bad habits to rub off on her.”

Mike just chuckles and turns back to the sauce. “If she turns out anything like you, I’d be entirely okay with that.”

You can’t help but feel a blush creep up your neck. He was always saying sweet stuff like that. You get up and hug him from behind and press a kiss to the back of his neck. “You’re too sweet.”

He turns around in your arms and grabs your face and gives you a proper, toe-curling kiss. “I mean it.”

After a few more shared kisses, Mike finishes up dinner and fixes you both a plate and a glass of wine for himself. As you’re sitting there twirling your spaghetti around your fork, you can’t help but think about Hannah’s text again. And then all of the little snide remarks she’s ever made to you come flooding back.

“Babe?”

You snap out of your thoughts and Mike comes back into focus. “Yeah?”

He puts his fork down. “I asked if there was something wrong with the spaghetti? You’ve hardly touched it.”

You look down at your plate and realize you’ve just been twirling it around your fork. “No, it’s fine. Just thinking about what Hannah said and how much it pisses me off. I’m sorry, I’m not meaning to ruin our time together.”

He smiles and grabs both of your plates and gets up and places them on the counter. He comes back over and holds his hand out to you. “Come on.”

You grab his hand with no hesitation and let him pull you out of your chair and let him lead you to his bedroom.

He turns around to face you right before you get to his bed. “First of all, you could never ruin our time together. I love getting to spend time with you no matter what. Second of all, it sounds like you need to let out some anger and need a distraction.”

You can’t help but feel all tingly at the smirk he’s giving you. “What did you have in mind?”

He backs up a little and sits on the bed and looks up at you. “Use me, Y/N.”

You shake your head. “What? What do you mean?”

He reaches out to grab your hands to pull you towards him. “I mean use me. Use me to distract yourself and to take your anger out on. I’ll be a good boy and do whatever you need.”

That almost had your knees buckling. “Oh.” He lifts your shirt up and starts pressing kisses along your stomach while running his hands from your back to your hips and down to your ass. You’ve never been in this position before. Sure, you guys have only been together for like 5 months but anytime you’ve ever been intimate, he’s been the one who’s taken charge.

He pulls back and looks up at you. “Use me, baby. I got you. Tell me what you need.”

You decide to run with it and take control and blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. “I wanna sit on your face.”

He lets out a little whimper as he moves back on the bed. “Fuck, baby. Please sit on my face. I want you to suffocate me.”

He lays back and patiently waits for you to remove your pants and panties. You hesitantly climb up on the bed. You’ve never done this before with anyone but have always wanted to try it. You climb up until you’re straddling his waist and lean down to kiss him.

He returns the kiss enthusiastically and grinds you down onto him so you can feel how hard he already is for you. It makes you let out a small moan into his mouth. The making out only lasts for a few more minutes before you pull away and start climbing up until you’re hovering right above his mouth.

Before you fully lower yourself onto him you grab his hair and yank so that he has to look at you. He lets out another beautiful whimper. “I’m going to ride your face until I can’t think of anything else but your tongue. You’re going to be good and make me cum as many times as I want, right?”

He nods instantly. “Yes, I promise I’ll be good for you.”

“Good boy.” You tell him, which makes his eyes roll to the back of his head. Hmm. Who knew he had a praise kink?

You let go of his hair and grab onto the headboard with both hands before you slowly lower yourself onto his waiting mouth.

He immediately grips your thighs and pulls you even harder on him and starts eating you out like a man starved. “Oh, fuck!” You throw your head back and start grinding on his tongue. He gives you a few more licks before he sucks your clit into his mouth and starts lapping his tongue back and forth against it. “Oh, god. Fuck, Mike! You’re so fucking good at that.”

Your praise has him moaning and whimpering into your pussy, heightening the experience that much more. He moves his right hand towards your ass and gives it a nice squeeze before moving towards your pussy and immediately inserting two fingers. It makes you start grinding faster, feeling yourself already close to the edge.

He starts pumping his fingers in time with your grinding, pushing you even closer to the edge. You can’t believe how quickly he got you there.

“Mike, please! Gonna cum! Make me cum.”

He pumps his fingers even faster and lightly bites down on your clit, knowing it’ll make you fall over the edge.

You scream his name out and grind on him until it’s too much and you lift yourself away from his mouth. To which he whimpers out, “where’s that pussy going? I wasn’t done yet.”

You let out a breathy laugh. “Jesus. I almost passed out from how hard I came. Give me a minute.”

“So I did good?” He looks up at you with big eyes and his chin glistening with your juices.

You pat his hair. “You did so good, baby. Made me feel so good.”

He smiles and wraps his arms around your thighs and presses soft kisses to the inside of them. You close your eyes and take a minute to enjoy that before you look behind you and see his erection pressing painfully against his jeans. You need that inside of you. Right now.

You remove yourself from his face and he lets out a little whine. “Don’t worry. I’m not done. Need your cock, baby.”

You’ve never seen him undo his belt and slide his jeans down that quickly before. It almost makes you chuckle. “Eager, are we?”

He nods as he pushes his jeans down far enough that his cock springs free and hits your ass. “Need to feel you around me, babe. Please.”

You lean down and pull him into a kiss which he returns generously. You can taste yourself on his tongue. He grabs his cock and hits it against your ass, signaling that he’s ready for you to slide onto him. You take the hint and lift up and back until he catches at your entrance. He’s the first one to break the kiss as you slowly slide down onto him. The little whimpers he lets out as you sit flush against his thighs is music to your ears.

You decide to tease him and just stay resting there for a minute while looking down at him. He has his eyes clenched shut and a death grip on your hips. He opens his eyes after a few moments and looks up at you. He reaches his right hand up and places it on your cheek, caressing it with his thumb. “Go ahead and use me babe. Take what you need from me.”

You slowly start moving your hips back and forth, never really lifting them up and down. The friction against your clit is so delicious. You place both hands on his chest and start moving your hips a little faster. “Oh, fuck baby. You feel so good. You’re so deep.”

“Yeah? Am I making my girl feel good?”

You smirk down at him. “Oh, yeah. You’re being so good for me.”

He lets out another whimper as he grabs you by the back of your head and pulls you in for a heated kiss. This one sloppy and desperate. His hand that’s still on your hip starts moving you a little harder against him. He pulls away from your mouth and kisses his way up your neck towards your ear. “Come on babe. Cum on my cock. I can feel you clenching around me. Cum for me so I can be good and cum for you.”

This time you’re the one letting out a whimper. “Yeah? Want me to be your good boy and cum for you? Fill you up?”

“Please.” You whine out, moving your hips even faster than before. You can feel your orgasm coming like a freight train. There’s no stopping it.

“Oh yeah. I can feel it. You’re gonna cum for me. Do it. Make a mess on me babe. Please, I need it.”

“Yeah? You need me to cum for you? Need to feel me cum? Oh, god Mike. I’m almost there. Please don’t stop.”

He continues helping you grind your hips against his. You’re almost there. Just a little something…..

“I love you, Y/N. So fucking much.”

That did it. You’re pitched off the edge and silently scream out. The edges of your vision going white. You can vaguely hear Mike whimpering out your name as he does as promised and fills you up. You slow your hips down until you can’t move them anymore and slump down against him with your face tucking into the crook of his neck. He wraps his arms around you and rubs his hands up and down your back.

You both stay like that until your heartbeats return to normal. You lift up your head just until you can see him, almost nose to nose. He’s the first to speak. “So, did I do good for you?”

You let out a chuckle. “You were so good, baby.” You can feel him twitch inside of you at the praise. “But, we need to talk about what you said.”

Mike scrunches his brows for a few minutes before his eyes go wide and he realizes what he said. “Shit, I did not mean to say that.”

You can’t help the disappointment that crosses your face. “Oh, well that’s okay. It was in the heat of the moment.”

He quickly wraps his arms tighter around you. “No! That’s not what I meant. Shit. I one hundred percent meant it. I just wanted to make it special when I told you. Not in the middle of an orgasm. You deserve better than that.”

You smile and press a kiss to the tip of his nose. “I appreciate the thought. But I really don’t need anything special. I already have you.”

His smile lights up his entire face. “I love you, Y/N.”

This time you press a kiss to his lips. “I love you, too Mike. Like, a lot.”

“I bet not as much as I love you.”

Just as you’re about to retort, Mike’s cell starts vibrating, causing you to jolt with fright since his phone is still in his pocket which your leg is pressed up against.

“Jesus Christ.”

You quickly get up so that he can grab his phone. “Hello?”

You go into the bathroom to clean up. You come back in with a wet cloth to clean Mike up. He just hangs up as you come in the room. “Everything okay?”

He smiles in thanks as you hand him the cloth. He goes about cleaning himself up. “Yeah. That was Natalie’s mom. Apparently Abby has decided she doesn’t wanna stay the night so I have to go get her.” He stands and pulls his jeans back up and smooths his shirt out. “Sorry we won’t be alone anymore.”

You pull him in for a quick kiss. “Nothing to apologize for. I love you Mike. And that means loving all of you. Which includes Abby. Whom you know I just adore. Go get her and we’ll have a movie night or something.”

He shakes his head and pulls you in for another kiss. “I still don’t know what I did to deserve you.”

You just smile in return. “After the past year you’ve been through, you deserve to be happy.”

He chuckles as he heads out the door. “Ain’t that the damn truth!”

#mike schmidt smut #mike schmidt x y/n #mike schmidt x reader #mike schmidt #josh hutcherson #josh hutcherson smut #fnaf #mike schmidt x you #mike schmidt imagine #fnaf x y/n #fnaf x reader #michael schmidt #five nights at freddy's

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shubblelive · 9 months

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summary : wilbur is a quiet guy, but there’s so much more to him than he shows. over swapped shifts, post it notes and paperback novels, you unravel him bit by bit.

genre : fluff

warnings : mentions of alcohol/drinking

pairing : musicianbur x fem!librarian! reader

pronouns : none (i think) reader is described as a “girl” and using other feminine descriptors

featuring : cc!wilbur soot, musicianbur, college!librarian! wilbur

word count : 2.6k

note : sorry this took. one million years. i had my exams and i turned 17, and then i went out of state to visit family, but i’ve had this in my drafts and i’ve been working on and off for a while. i hope you enjoy this, i’m thinking about maybe making it multi part? if people are into that? @starsyoubreaklikesugardust <333

You sincerely regret covering for your coworker. The campus library has a consistent, albeit small, staff. You work the same days every week; Monday morning, Tuesday afternoon and Thursday morning. The head librarian, Theresa, was more than willing to give you extra shifts whenever you needed. The library was where most of the richer students’ parents donated, and you were insanely lucky to get your job there. As a result of the consistent schedule, you work with two people regularly; Henry, who shares your major, and Janine, who’s one of the sweetest people you know. The rest of your coworkers, you knew exclusively through Theresa and her insistence of having staff get togethers at any opportunity.

There’s Chastity, who lives on your floor, and her girlfriend Kate. You got a front row seat to their first kiss after three months of egging them on with Janine at Henry’s 20th birthday. There are three more workers that work during the week on alternating shifts to you; Sam, the newest member of the term; Hae-Won, the only person who had worked there longer than you and Theresa; and Wilbur.

Wilbur, who was currently your new coworker as you started working five days a week. Hae-Won’s mother was sick, and Theresa had begged you to cover for them while they flew interstate to go take care of her. You’d been working at the campus library since you were a freshman, and they’d always been good to you. You had agreed, and now you were needing to rush from class to the library after every single one of your lectures. Sam, Henry and Theresa had all assured you that if you were late because of class you wouldn’t lose your job, but you felt bad leaving them with all the work.

Wilbur has barely spoken a word to you since you’d started working the same shifts. He’s not rude or angry, just quiet as far as you can tell. You like him. You both keep to yourselves, and Wilbur doesn’t snitch on you for smuggling your sandwiches out of the office when you browse the stacks during your breaks.

He doesn’t get mad at you for being late when you are, and he always puts stuff on the top shelf whenever you ask. He’s soft, and incredibly smart. You learn about him through hushed evenings in the office, both of you dead on your feet after you’ve locked the doors, neither of you wanting to leave quite yet. The low light gives his eyes an amber glow the same colour as sun as it peeks through the slats in the blinds of the office, surrounded on all four sides by large windows. The fishbowl, the kids call it when they come in on Friday afternoons. Not quite, you think. You’re both too boring to be fish, you make a joke when you hear a young boy say it. Wilbur gets a look in his eyes that he keeps for the next hour until you confront him. “Sometimes people don’t look a fish ‘cause they’re interesting,” he all-but whispers when you ask, eyes aglow and top row of teeth pulling on his bottom lip. “Sometimes they’re just pretty.”

You get to know Wilbur over campus coffees, and handmade bookmarks inspired by the paperbacks he checks out every week. Through his handwritten post-it note on the corner of the main monitor at the front desk, a stack of books with a cat perched on top, his writing slanted but mainly kept between the spines of each book. A request for a novel you’ve never heard of, but vow to search for. Theresa is the one who handles incoming books, but that’s not going to stop you from finding it yourself.

You begin to find those sticky-notes around more and more. There’s one resting on top of your backpack for you to find as you return from the bathroom. That’s a pretty skirt, the first one says. You should wear your hair like that more often, one three days later on the stack of returns he’s asked you to reshelve. There’s one a week after that forces a smile on your face. This made me think of you. It’s resting on a tiny journalist style notebook, one where you flip on the top. It’s got a quote from your favourite novel on it, and you slip the sticky note inside it gingerly, tucking it into the front pocket of your backpack. That afternoon during your lunch break, you go to the craft store instead of staying in and get yourself some post it notes. Yours are in the shape of a lemon, and when Wilbur goes into the fishbowl to grab his stuff once your shift is over, he finds one stuck to the side of his bag. Two words, ten numbers, all in your handwriting. Call me.

So he does, he calls you that very night. Despite the late time, you guys stay on the phone for nearly three hours. The next shift you two share, you tease him. “I thought you were meant to be the quiet type,” you giggle as his ears turn pink, him intentionally facing away from you to shield the smitten grin on his face as he pretends to write something on the staff calendar. “You had a lot to say the other night.”

It continues that way for a while, nightly phone calls in which you finally get to hear him talk unabashedly about the things he’s interested in. He’s in a band, he confesses shyly one night when you’re both on the verge of sleep. You don’t reply for a second, and he thinks you might have dozed off. You pipe up after a moment, voice heavy with sleep and Wilbur thinks he can’t possibly like you more. “Your first gig’s Saturday, right?” He nods, even if you can’t see him. You keep going anyway. “I’ll be there.”

He wishes you hadn’t told him, because he spends the next three days stressing. Performing always makes him a little anxious, a healthy amount of butterflies, as his friends say. But this is too much. He changes his shirt three times on Saturday night, twice because he wants you to like it, and another time because he sweated through the third one. He blames it on the intensity of the lights, when the drummer asks him if he’s okay, but they can all see the way his eyes are locked onto your frame, tucked into a little corner of the underground bar they’re playing. They play for about forty minutes, and you’re a little embarrassed to admit that you’ve never heard a single song they did.

Wilbur goes into the little backstage area after their last song, and his bandmates will swear he’s never moved so fast in his life. He’s chugging a bottle of water while trying to wrestle his guitar off his back, his glasses fogged up from the sweat covering his face. there are a few bothersome strands sticking to his cheeks, but he doesn’t care about that. He just wants to see you.

He gets to your corner and the table is empty. No, the table has things on it. Your chair is empty. There is something on the table. He reaches it and flops down into the chair you were just sitting in. A waitress brings him a glass of lemonade that you ordered for him and he gulps it down gratefully. He allows himself a few moments to bask in the post-show high. You might not be there, but that only brought his mood down slightly. He did it.

He is a little hurt that you didn’t stick around, but it’s nearing 10 and he knows you have a test on Monday. He takes another long swig of his drink, and reaches blindly for the one other object on the table; a paperback novel. It’s his favourite. He didn’t even remember telling you it was his favourite, but somehow you knew. His heart hammers inside his chest and he has to remember how to breathe for a second. He’d looked everywhere for that, even going as far as to see if he could order it online.

He flips open the cover, just to check, and he finds a scrawled message beneath the title page. Heard you were hoping to get your hands on one. I hope you enjoy. You’ll have to tell me all about it.

And he does. It takes him less than a week to read the entire book, and he comes to you on a random Thursday, eyes sparkling with a glint you’ve only ever seen that one night he was performing, and he leans over the front desk where you’re standing and before you can even process it he’s taking your head in his hands and pulling you into a firm hug. You’re not as tall, so you’re on your toes as you lean over the desk, struggling to wrap your arms around his torso as he hugs you.

And then he’s talking, loud and clear, and if the library was open people would be giving him dirty looks for how unashamedly he’s speaking to you. You revel in it. He keeps his hands enclosing yours and you lean over the desk to get as close to him as you can, wanting to absorb every single word out of his mouth. Wanting to breathe it in and keep it between your ribs.

Eventually he lets you go to go do some work, but you decide at that moment that you never want him to shut up again.

So, he doesn’t. With constant encouragement from you, Wilbur becomes more outspoken. Of course, there were the phone calls, but he was still reserved in person. He seems to take up more space over the next few weeks, unfurling slowly like an old painting, perfectly preserved with so much beauty to show once he was out in the open. It starts as small things, the way he calls out to you across the library after closing instead of approaching you to tell you softly. You’re almost in mourning, feeling like you’d lost that closeness with Wilbur that only you seem to have. The notion that once you put something out into the world it no longer belongs to you. Not that he ever did, not like that at least.

You’d feel like that and then Wilbur would do something so small, so sacred, that your heart would ache. Whispering jokes in your ear, fingers brushing yours when he passes you a book he thinks you’ll enjoy, grabbing onto both of your hands when he got so excited about something that he needed a physical tether to you to stop himself from floating away, into the air that he was now filling so wonderfully.

The others started noticing it too; Theresa mentioning to you how much more confident he seemed after he’d left the room, Sam, who brightened now that Wilbur seemed to return his enthusiasm, even the bassist of Wilbur’s band, who you ran into at a coffee shop, said he was different.

His band got another gig at a bigger bar, and of course you were invited again. This time you planned on sticking around for the whole thing, letting him wrap you in a sweaty hug once he ran off stage. “You were so good,” you gush, your breath on his ear sending shivers down his spine. His hands ghost up and down your arm, and you can’t bring yourself to let go of him. “But, Wil. Seriously, enough is enough.”

He pulls away just enough to get a clear picture of your face, shadows covering one side, the dim lighting in the venue not doing enough to take away from just how pretty you look.

“You guys need to start playing songs I know the words to.”

Your fake annoyance makes him laugh, one of the most genuine laughs you’ve ever heard from him. Warm, and thick, like caramel. Like his eyes when the two of you are huddled together in the fishbowl and he’s laughing, like there will never be enough time to spend with you. Because there isn’t.

His hands stop in their motions, and he notices your bare arms. “You’re freezing, lovely. Here.” He steps away from you and shrugs off his button up, leaving him in just a white-sleeved tee as he guides your arms in. The sleeves cover your hands and he goes as far as to roll them up delicately. His face is an inch from yours as he unwraps his hands from your wrist, and your fingers toy gently with a stray curl that bounces when you release it from your grip.

This time it’s you who takes Wilbur’s jaw in your hands, fingers running over his stubble. He’s drunk, hasn’t had a drop of alcohol the entire time, but well and truly intoxicated as he pulls you into him again, nose pressed to your hairline. “I’m so proud of you.” You mumble into his shoulder, and for a second, time is frozen.

You’re both brought out of it by rousing cheers from Wilbur’s bandmates, the guitarist and drummer both bullying Wilbur for not introducing you to them earlier. The bassist greets you warmly, and the three of them try to convince you both to go out for a drink. Wilbur’s the one who ends up ushering you out, arm around your shoulders as he placates his bandmates. Throwing a “We’ve got an early morning tomorrow at work,” over his shoulder as he steered you towards his car.

He’s only half lying. You do both have work the next day, however the library’s closed and Theresa’s hosting a party to thank everyone for their hard work. It starts at two, so you’re revelling in the fact that you get to sleep in. That doesn’t stop you from inviting Wilbur up to your apartment, though. Nor does it stop the two of you deciding to watch a movie together on the couch in your living room. It doesn’t even stop Wilbur from whispering to you while the credits roll. “You look so lovely tonight.” You flush, tearing your eyes from his face, looking down at where his hands are on your waist instead. “Can I kiss you?”

It definitely doesn’t stop you from nodding your head emphatically, your hands delving into his hair as he presses his lips to yours for the first time.

He tastes like spearmint gum and the mango of your lip gloss, his hands steadying you both and gripping onto the couch cushion. He pulls away just enough to murmur, “You’re wonderful,” and suddenly you’re so happy you’re laughing. He laughs too, taking your head in his hands until you’re kissing him again, and when he leaves nearly two hours later he’s gripping your hands so tight your breath hitches, promising he’ll see you at the party later.

And hours later, when you’re sipping on lemonade and leaning against one of the windows of the fishbowl, he sidles up to you and leans his head on top of yours. “My pretty girl.” Your hand wraps around his, and the two of you stand there for a few minutes in a comfortable silence, watching your coworkers mingle. He’d never been so outward in his affections, not when surrounded by people you both worked with. He was a reserved man, preferring to let loose around his family, his bandmasters, and you. But of course, that doesn’t stop him from pressing a kiss to your hairline, the two of you inside the library office, gazing outside into the rest of the library. “So so pretty.”

#em needs to shush sometimes #wilbur soot #wilbuh #wilbur #wilbur soot x fem!reader #wilbur soot x reader #wilbur soot fanfiction #wilbur soot fluff #wilbur soot fic #wilbur soot x reader fluff #wilbur soot x y/n #wilbur soot x you #wilbur x you #wilbur fluff

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puppyluver256 · 2 years

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Support the Pup!

Like what you see on this blog and wanna help me out a little? I’ve got a few ways you can do just that!

-Commissions-

Would you like your own custom art piece made specifically for you? Have I got just the thing to satisfy that desire! For a decent chunk of change, I can make that happen for ya! :3

(please read the rules wrt what I’m willing to draw and payment options, otherwise I might have to refuse a potential commission, also please message me if you’re going to order a commission because I don’t regularly check the spreadsheet enough for that to be the primary way of me knowing I have one ^^; )

-Redbubble Store-

Wanna own my art in a physical form, perhaps as a sticker or phone case or even a t-shirt? I have a store available for just that purpose! I’ll try to get some newer items up soon, but the selection available right now is pretty good and a lot of the older offerings had the artwork updated recently too!

(there is unfortunately no marketable plushie option, it is merely for display ;3 )

-Patreon-

If you have a buck or several to spare per month, you can pledge to my Patreon! I charge on a monthly basis because my frequency of posting would make charging per post Absolutely Absurd. My lowest tier is at a single dollar per month, so if you feel so inclined to chip in I would greatly appreciate that!

(I have admittedly been neglecting my patron tier stuff, but I’ll be getting to that when I can. I get so into my work that I forget to save WIPs for those tiers, and I haven’t thought of anything that would make for good tutorial material lately hehe.)

If you don’t have the ability to support my work financially, that is 100% understandable and payment is never required to enjoy the vast majority of my art and writing. However, if you still want to support me in other ways, you can give my art/writing posts a few reblogs to help share them with others who might also like my work. Feel free to gush in the tags, or even leave comments in the post part of the reblog! Feedback is a very important part of artistic growth, after all, and I’d love to hear what you think! Fanart of my OCs is also a good motivator, but if you don’t have the energy/desire to do there’s no pressure for that hehe.

#signal boost #art commissions #artists on tumblr #artists on redbubble #artists on patreon #sfw

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antianakin · 5 months

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I find it really interesting that you don’t like kallus at all bc say what you will about fulcrum or kalluzeb but he’s the first ex-/imperial character that we saw on screen who wasn’t already defected when we met him. Like obvs you’ve got Han and Sabine who started off in the academy and then left bc they realised in wasn’t what they wanted and tala who’s already a mole for the path by the time she’s on screen but most other characters we interact with regularly and significantly either stay imperial or have never been one as far as we know. And I think that watching kallus’ arc play out as he realises that no the empire isn’t worth it actually and it is worse and the rebels he’s fighting and trying to capture are better and are the good guys is just so fascinating to watch. If anakin’s arc in tcw and the prequels is about him getting worse and worse and making all the wrong choices again and again then kallus’s overarching storyline is about learning that actually his choices were wrong and he is the villain and he needs to accept that and try to do better as best he can. Ymmv on how well it was executed (and I do think there are parts that could have been done so much better) but the bare bones are there (and also I do love the interactions he has with kanan and Ezra post defection pre extraction where they’re like “this guy 😤” and are doing things like throwing him through glass screens to cover for him bc hey! They’re helping and they get to be a bit petty about it bc they still don’t like him and he just. Has to put up with it bc he’s on their side now and they are technically helping him)

I don’t know I just think it’s a pretty interesting arc to follow and I do think that however clumsily handled (again ymmv on how clumsily), the idea in his character of “it’s not too late to change and to choose to do better, you can unlearn your prejudice and biases and you can always start trying to do good no matter who you are” is a really important message that feels like Star Wars yk

(Side note: I just wanted to add that I love the anakin salt and the pro Jedi posts. I always pop around your blog when I’ve seen a few too many “he’s misunderstood” takes for my own good and it’s really cathartic to see someone else point out he sucks in new ways I hadn’t yet considered. I also find your Ahsoka takes super interesting bc most other things I see either just straight up do not like her or think she’s perfect where I always fell in the middle of “she’s interesting and narratively seems to be there to point out how anakin could have been if he’d made different choices since their flaws are so similar” ❤️❤️❤️)

This probably should have been split into two asks but I’ve written it all out now and my break is over so I guess it’s going to be one

Hi! I'm glad my blog helps provide you an area to just feel a little bitter sometimes when fandom gets hard, that's exactly why I made it for myself, just an escape when I'm starting to forget why I like this stuff sometimes and I just need to get rid of some of the bitterness.

I'm not against the IDEA of an Imperial character who turns against the Empire, of watching an Imperial character start to learn better and change sides. I promise I'm not!

I just think it shouldn't have been Kallus. I don't personally believe that they had a redemption arc in mind for Kallus when they were writing him in the first season at all. I don't know when the idea first got brought up for the writers, but it doesn't really seem to be one they had in mind in early season 2, either, so it just comes out of NOWHERE in that episode with Zeb where they get stuck in the ice. And the side effect of this lack of set up means that they really were writing Kallus as an irredeemable villain. He led a genocide against Zeb's people, he laughs at Zeb about being a survivor, he uses one of the Lasat's weapons as a trophy he took from that genocide. He turns against one of his own fellow officers at the end of season 1/beginning of season 2 when Tarkin and Vader show up and want someone to answer for their failure on Lothal. He helps lead Tua to her death and SMILES about the whole thing. Tua's death could've been a way to begin that journey, give him a crack in the wall where he feels doubt about what they're doing, but it DOESN'T, it just makes him MORE of a fanatic.

So when you get to that episode with Zeb in the ice, all of the sudden you have to take Kallus at his word that he DIDN'T lead the genocide he's already been saying he led, that he DIDN'T steal the Lasat weapon he already said he stole, that he totally had a sorta sympathetic reason for wanting an entire group of people eliminated from the galaxy, and that he apparently cares about having friends in the Empire. This isn't just a retcon of his backstory, it's a retcon of his CHARACTER. And they have to "all lives matter" the entire situation to do it by having him point out that Zeb judges all Imperials the same (and sees them all as enemies) which is somehow equivalent to Kallus judging an entire SPECIES for the actions of ONE PERSON and choosing to go genocide the entire species as a result. That's not just clumsy, that's OFFENSIVE. This is one of the WORST written episodes of Star Wars I have ever seen, which is saying something since I've seen the Ahsoka show and the Book of Boba Fett and The Mandalorian Season 3.

I think my major issue with Kallus's "arc", beyond the offensiveness of the retcon of his entire character, is that it isn't really an arc at all. It's ONE episode. The next time we even SEE Kallus, he's already willing to help Sabine escape from the Empire and then season 3 goes on to basically tell us he's been acting as a spy most of the season now. We DON'T actually get to see that arc for Kallus, he spends a few hours in the ice with Zeb and that's all it takes to turn him against the Empire really. The few times he shows up in-between don't do a lot to really emphasize a JOURNEY he's going on, he's just already on the side of the rebels and trying to push back against the Empire. And he fucking SUCKS at it, too. They have to come rescue his ass TWICE because he wasn't good enough at being a spy to not get caught and then he has the fucking GALL to think he's thrown off Thrawn and refuses to run when Kanan and Ezra risk their necks to save him which is what directly leads to Chopper Base being discovered. So not only is his redemption "arc" barely there anyway, he's an awful rebel and an awful spy.

This is why I keep arguing that it should've been PRYCE to be the Imperial defector. She isn't introduced to the story until season 3, and so her character is basically a big blank slate. They'd MENTIONED her, but all we knew is that she was the governor of the planet or something and she was gone on Coruscant dealing with stuff. This and the fact that she has an ACTUAL connection to Lothal by being FROM THE PLANET gives her a really really excellent pathway towards turning on the Empire. Maybe she sided with the Empire because she genuinely believed it would help save them from what everyone else suffered by fighting back. Maybe she was promised certain advantages if she sided with the Empire that they could show haven't been kept. Let her CARE about Lothal and its people just enough for her to have a REASON to turn against the Empire and see its truth.

It's one of the other reasons I don't like using Kallus, he's not really emotionally connected to any character but Zeb. Turning Kallus does very little for the main characters Ezra and Kanan. If they were going to turn an Imperial character, which IS a fairly big thing to put into a narrative, I feel like it should've impacted the MAIN characters far more than it actually does. Let Ezra, the person whose story is being told here, be a part of the reason that Imperial character turns. Let that journey away from the Empire be something they're actively WORKING on rather than something that primarily happens off screen in Kallus's head.

I think the only reason they chose Kallus for this was because fans already liked him and they couldn't figure out what else to do with him at this point. He's a basically ineffective villain because he keeps having to lose and the only times he "wins" against the crew is when they LET him win by sacrificing themselves or something. And they were already starting to write him out as an antagonist by including Vader, Tarkin, the Inquisitors, and they might've known they were bringing in Thrawn in season 3 (and maybe that Pryce would finally show up) by the time that ice episode was being written. Kallus was becoming irrelevant, but fans enjoyed him so they had to figure out a way to make him relevant moving forward, and so, quick and dirty redemption "arc" so he can move to the rebel side. You'll notice he barely does anything in season 4, though, once he's moved to the rebellion he's just kinda... there. Irrelevant again because he's not actually good enough at anything to be worth having him DO anything important or interesting to the plot.

A LOT of people seem to think Kallus's "redemption" was really well done and I just can't agree. I think it would've been better to take Kallus a different direction, to really have him just succumb to being evil, to become even MORE of a fanatic for the Empire moving forward, and then just pick someone else to be the defected Imperial character. Or they should've had a redemption arc in mind for Kallus from the beginning. Using Tua's death to start the process of doubt in his mind, or having him be the one the Empire turns on would've both worked. They didn't give themselves enough time to really write him a good redemption arc where the reasons for why he turns on the Empire actually feel in character to what we've been told and shown of him so far.

I think if you just... start in season 3 and act like Kallus has HAD a true redemption arc already by season 3, then those scenes work. The humor of the Rebels crew starting to discover Kallus is on their side now and not entirely trusting that and wanting to punt him through a window IS funny! I, too, would like to throw Kallus through a window several times, even perhaps over a cliff or out an airlock. But those scenes come with the context of having seen the first two seasons and feeling the VERY abrupt 180 his character took without the show doing any of the actual work to make his defection seem realistic or reasonable. Season 3 is fine for Kallus, the scenes are funny, etc. But he wasn't actually redeemed yet and neither season 2 nor season 3 do the work to showcase that journey.

And I think that this is likely one of the reasons we DON'T see very many Imperial redemption stories and most of the Imperial defectors we see are already defected when we meet them. You can count Gorn and Taramyn from Andor in this category, as well. It's HARD to take a character who's been set up as violent, selfish, and cruel, and REALLY do the work necessary to turn them around into someone who would genuinely turn on the Empire and join the Rebellion. It's by no means impossible, but it takes a lot of work and a lot of focus on said character. Most of these shows and stories aren't willing to put in that kind of work because they're focusing on someone else who needs their story told instead, so it's easier to just... have someone who's already changed sides.

All of that being said, there IS a character who we've seen go through this arc that I think was done MILES better than Kallus.

Reva Sevander. An Inquisitor (possibly BY CHOICE unlike all of the others who were presumably captured and broken into it) working for the Empire, who DOES do violent and selfish stuff, but who ultimately leaves that behind by the end of the season. Reva, who obviously was written with that turn in mind, and so her tragedy is BAKED into her character from the moment the show begins (we literally start the ENTIRE SHOW with a flashback of Reva at the Temple when Order 66 starts, and the terror of that night). The twist in her character, that she's doing all of this as a way to get closer to Anakin so she can kill him as vengeance for the Jedi, doesn't feel like it comes out of nowhere. It's just always been there FROM THE BEGINNING. Making her an Inquisitor, something Jedi: Fallen Order and some comic books have fleshed out into people who weren't given much choice in becoming monsters, was an expert choice. Using her to parallel and foil Anakin, someone whose primary storyline is that he was a GOOD person who turned bad and still had good in him, also helps her out.

I'd argue Reva hasn't gone on a full "redemption arc" as yet, she's sort-of barely scratched the surface of it, but she does obviously make the choice to STOP going down the path she's on, to turn away from her anger and vengeance, and leaves behind being an Inquisitor and the darkness she'd succumbed to. The reasons for why she does the things she does MAKE SENSE, they're narratively relevant, they're important to the main character of the story she's in, and the writers didn't wait too long to tell us more about her and her motivations. It's expertly done in my opinion.

So while Kallus might have been the first Imperial defector to show up in mainstream Star Wars, he is not the ONLY Imperial character we have seen to turn against the Empire. And yet Kallus gets praise and accolades for being such a great character with such a great character arc, while Reva got panned and critiqued for being unlikable. I wonder what could be the reason behind that.

So I think you and I have fairly similar feelings on this in that the IDEA of a redeemed Imperial character whose journey towards turning on the Empire is actually shown is a GOOD story to tell (with a very Star Wars style message, as you say), but that the way it was done with Kallus was REALLY badly written. You seem to be leaning towards liking the concept enough that the clumsiness of it is outweighed, whereas I hate the clumsy way it was written so much that my positive feelings towards the concept are outweighed.

And I deserve a good Reva show where we get to follow more of her character post-OWK where she still has to work on herself and figure out who she is now that she's left the darkness behind. Finish the arc she's only just started on.

#star wars #reva #reva sevander #anti kallus #anti aleksander kallus #kallus critical #aleksander kallus critical

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27dragons · 6 months

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“I used to be a writer”

When I think of fanfiction writers, you’re the first one I think of.

I used to wake up excited every Saturday to read the new Sandbridge.

I smile when I see my copy of one of your books on my shelf.

Those tags were likely not meant to be self-deprecating, and I realize you mean that lately you are a lurker more than a writer, but I just really want to make sure you understand that I’ll never not think of you as a writer and one of the biggest fandom influences I’ve had.

Aw, Anon, that's such a sweet thing to say!!! (Also much love to @holistic-alcoholic, who added a very similar message to their reblog of the original poll.)

I love so much knowing that I've affected people so much and so positively.

And you are correct; I did not, in fact, mean my tags to be self-deprecating, simply factual. I haven't written regularly since late 2020, and though I enjoyed a surge of creativity this spring/summer with Sandman, I haven't written anything else since the end of July. Or even tried very much.

Last year, I was berating myself for my lack of writing productivity, but right now, I'm okay with it. Instead of writing, I've been pursuing other creative outlets -- I've been playing around with bookbinding, working on a Good Omens cross-stitch, and have just recently jumped into my brother's weekly D&D game. And entirely apart from fandom-related stuff, I did some container gardening over the summer (and made So Many pickles when I could not keep up with the cucumber vine's production), picked DuoLingo back up to try to learn some Spanish, and am teaching Thing2 how to drive. So it's not like I fell into a pit of depression and haven't been able to do ANYthing.

AO3 says I have just over 4 million words of fic posted. Even if you take into account that tisfan co-wrote a lot of that with me, that's a pretty impressive amount of writing! More than enough that I do still mostly consider myself "a writer" -- even if I never post or write another word.

Thank you so much for your lovely words of support and encouragement -- it means more than I can say that anyone thought it was worth reaching out. My readers are absolutely the best. 💛❤️🖤

#backchat #anonymous #my boring life #which is actually not boring at all lately #my readers are the best

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morallyinept · 30 days

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i am a fic writer, and admittedly I don’t read others works as much as I probably should because any free time I have is usually spent writing if not one of my other hobbies. i do try though. but you both write AND read a colossal amount, how?! how do you consistently write so much? you publish so many fics and I cannot wrap my head around it. what’s your process and what keeps you motivated? i’ve been struggling with motivation for a number of reasons lately and one of them is because of sort of feeling like a waste of space here on tumblr. I have friends and readers and moots that I’m grateful for but…I don’t know. i wish my blog was more like yours sometimes. i feel like i post and then I’m just a ghost and people forget i’m here.

Hey Non! 🖤

The short answer is, I have no life 😝 Kidding, I'm just super organised, I think. But there are some other factors...

I'm a pretty fast reader, (I was a freelance proofreader for a while) so I can read pretty quickly, and I utilise my lunch breaks at work, or the downtime before bed to read too. Chronic insomnia also helps! 🥴

I'm big list lover (as you might've seen) and I really utilise my likes to bookmark stuff I want to come back to and add to the Fic Rec List. I try to update it weekly (or bi-weekly if I'm busy) so things don't get lost in my likes. I also use my rec list as my own way of tracking what I want to read in future/have already read. I then try to reblog it once I've read it (something I'm trying to be better at, admittedly).

With regards to writing, a lot of my stuff is written in advance, so stuff I post is queued up from weeks/months ago when I wrote it, except things I write on a whim when an idea comes and I wanna post it quicker. I write a bunch of GIFLETS usually in a day, for example, as they're pretty short and will give me weeks of fics to post.

Writing is my passion, so I write a lot. I've been writing since I could write my own name pretty much.

I joke about having no life, but lately I've had additional free time due to having a back injury, (I'm ok!) so I've been resting and able to write more than I usually would, so I'm taking full advantage of that too with forward planning. That will slow down considerably though when I go back to work in a few weeks.

I utilise my free time, and writing is my main hobby, alongside doodling. I do make time for other things though. I don't spend 100% of my free time constantly writing. Again, it comes down to organisation, I write notes (a heck of a lot of notes!) and keep WIPs in order etc...

Scheduling/queuing posts is something I do a lot too, so it proabably looks like I'm always online posting and reading, but I'm actually not. It's all stuff I've queued up ready to go and can forget about.

I probably spend around 1-2 hours a day updating my queue, designing banners/posts etc... and then responding to comments/re-blogs, ASKs etc... and that's not all at the same time, it'll be spread out throughout the day too. Some days more than others, and other days not at all.

Same with writing, I'll spend time doing it daily or dedicate a sole day at the weekend if I have no plans, and limit myself too so I don't burn out or forget about other things, like adulting. (I should probably mention I'm single and live by myself, so I have plenty of time to do my own things without worrying about spending time with a partner or anything. I do make time to see my friends and family regularly though.)

What keeps me motivated? Well, you guys, for one. Readers and interaction. Music. Pedro, of course, and my own thoughts (thots). But being organised really helps me so I don't burn out.

But I just wanna mention that I too, struggle with motivation. I've had writer's block a few times lately and have often considered my own place here too at times. And you're not a waste of space, I can assure you. Everybody brings something different to this fandom, I think. And that's a good thing. Variety is the spice of life, afterall. ✨️

Primarily, writing for your own enjoyment should come first. I know that's easy for me to say, but I honestly don't give a damn about the number of notes my posts get, I much prefer the engagement personally.

I write for me, because I enjoy it. But I get that everyone's reasons are different, and I know it can feel disappointing and leave you pondering "why bother?" When you don't necessarily get the engagement you hope for.

I guess it stems also a little to that old saying you get out what you put in. On outward appearance, it seems like I put in a hell of a lot, 😅 but it really comes down to me just being a little regimented and utilising my time as best as I can, I guess.

I could wake up one morning in the future and decide I don't want to do this anymore, so I'm enjoying doing it for now. Plus, I suppose the more followers and engagement you have, the more it could become difficult to stay on top of that too... I guess it's a balancing act to some degree.

I think it's important not to compare yourself though. Everyone has their own lives outside of Tumblr, and some may not be able to post as much as they want to, and that's perfectly okay. Being here isn't a race. You're not on a deadline, so don't put unncessary pressure on yourself.

Your own blog/corner of the internet is yours and unique to you. Be proud of what you've made it into. 🥰

Hoo boy, I rambled on a bit! 🫣 Oops! But I hope that answers your questions, lovely.

Love you! 🖤

#jett's asks #pedro pascal fandom #writing

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vapaus-ystavyys-tasaarvo · 1 year

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Some stuff that I don’t think I’ve seen anyone explain but I think could be useful for new readers of Les Mis to know:

(I know this post is coming a bit late, but to be fair, all of these things will come up again later one way or another so I think they’re still worth pointing out? I’m not just mentioning irrelevant details, I promise)

“ Bienvenu makes up for the Monseigneur. ”

Monseigneur = much much fancier than monsieur. Used to address people in high positions, such as a bishop. It’s not a trivial difference either, it’s very much reserved for particular ranks and titles. Obviously this is a bit awkward for Myriel.

“ For the little seminary — 1,500 livres “

Livre = this was an old form of currency that had been replaced by the franc just before the revolution, but the word continued to be used even after its abolishment.

From Wikipedia: until the middle of the 19th century it was indifferently used alongside the word franc, especially to express large amounts and transactions linked with property (real estate, property incomes or "rentes", cattle, etc...).

Basically at this point in history it just means “franc but for rich people“. It literally does just mean franc, though, there aren’t any separate “livre coins“, but the word choice has implications. Implications of wealth. In this case the wealth of a bishop.

“ There is M. Géborand purchasing paradise for a sou. ”

Sou = also an old form of currency whose name stuck around, but unlike the livre, a sou has the connotation of being a small amount of money. It was pretty regularly used to refer to a five centime coin, in fact this usage was extended to other coins as well. We’ll soon hear a kid talk about his “piece of 40 sous”; this means a two franc coin. One franc was 20 sous so two francs is 40 sous. A five franc coin would be “a hundred sous“. This will happen a lot in this novel.

Comparing actual monetary values is difficult because relative prices of goods and services have changed so much, but I think the fact that people talked so often in sous rather than in francs says a lot. That is: sous were used more than francs in everyday life. Saying “40 sous“ rather than “2 francs“ might sound weird to us, but if you’re used to counting in sous, it makes sense.

#les mis letters #les mis #myriel

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simlicious · 1 year

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I'm still here

Hey all, I’ve been quiet for some time now. I was pretty shaken and exhausted from everything that happened last month and I am not ready to go back to creating/posting regularly yet. A lot of trauma/buried things have resurfaced lately. I need more time to heal and come to terms with everything. I also feel so inadequate and frustrated when it comes to my sims stuff. An update to my blog theme is long overdue too. Unfortunately, I’m out of the loop with html/css coding and not satisfied with any of the premade themes (I’d have to edit them to my liking). I just can’t seem to do any of that right now. I also planned to return to meshing, but there are new approaches and methods people use, that I have not tried myself and it all seems so daunting and overwhelming. Every time I open a mesh wip I get anxious and close it again. I cannot even do anything pattern-related, because even looking at patterns makes me think of my ex-friend. In fact, being on tumblr at all is pretty hard right now. I do occasionally comment on/like posts, but it’s a bit reduced right now. I try to distract myself by deep-cleaning my apartment (which is a tangible thing and definitely overdue) and playing Elder Scrolls Online, which gives me at least a little sense of accomplishment. I’m also in a sort of identity crisis and have been for a few months. I think I might be neurodivergent, which would explain a lot, but I am also doubting that I display “enough neurodivergent traits" to actually get a diagnosis. Also, I brought this up in my last therapy and my therapist said they highly doubt it/do not see the signs. It might also be a reason why my therapies have not been successful. I did not know anything about masking at that point, but neurodivergent people compensate and mask very frequently, so... maybe that's what I was doing. I just feel like I am the oddball that does not fit in anywhere and it sucks. I also face another challenge with my website hosting costs, they got increased again, and I definitely need to do another fundraiser, but I do not have the energy or capacity to rally like that right now. If you read this and want to help me out without fancy banner posts and detailed explanations, you can find out how to donate here. I also do not have the capacity to change hosters or anything like that at the moment, that would be a massive undertaking with months of preparation and would break all links to custom content finds sites, which is one of the biggest reasons I still want to keep the website. I only have 5 weeks until I need to pay 264 euros for 2 years of hosting (132 for 1 year). I want to skip next year’s cost increase by paying for 2 years upfront if I can manage it. The money will only be used to maintain my website. Any amount will help and is hugely appreciated! Thanks for helping out and for reading and interacting with my long posts 💜

#personal

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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 9 months

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All right, I’m doing really well tonight, actually, not freaking out at all over starting a new job tomorrow or anything, but no reason whatsoever I’m up late at night and unable to sleep even though I’d said I’d go to bed early to be well rested for the first day of work, and watching and listening to the best sources of comfort media I can think of to try to relax and sleep. I’m doing fine. This is fine.

Anyway, in this state of not really caring about anything except trying to get some sleep eventually and surviving a new and unfamiliar environment tomorrow, I’ve decided to temporarily suspend the rules of this blog, which involve avoiding referring directly to material in any bootlegged comedy show I’ve heard. Fuck that, I have it on good authority that Daniel Kitson is not regularly Googling himself these days, no one’s going to find out. Also I’m not going to leave this post up for longer than a day or two, it’s going to be one of those things I write just because writing stuff down and putting it somewhere makes me feel better and then I’ll get rid of it because this doesn’t need to be up long-term, does it?

When I listen to comedy shows, I keep a few things in the back of my mind for context. I don’t do this consciously, it’s just something that’s back there and informing the way I hear the words. I don’t even notice that I’m doing it, until I occasionally hear something live (if I catch a livestream of some sort), and then my brain automatically reaches for these context clues that it usually puts in place, but I realize I don’t have to do that this time because the answer to “when is this happen?” is just “now”, and that makes me aware of how much I do keep track of the time differences during other recordings.

I keep track of what year it was when this show took place, so I can know what world they’re talking about. If they discuss “the state of discourse in this country”, they mean a different thing if they’re talking pre- or post-Brexit vote, pre- or post-coalition, pre- or post-Boris Johnson’s election to Prime Minister. I also keep track of how much time there was between that year and now – was it two years ago? Five? Ten? Twenty? I also keep track of the comedian’s age at the time of recording, and how it differs from mine. Should I expect to have any age-related overlapping experience with them? Were they older than me or younger than me at the time? If they were older, that may explain it if they talk about stages of life I haven’t been to yet. If they were younger, that may explain it if they seem to be missing some stuff that I’ve learned just by getting to my age.

It's interesting when I hear something live so I don’t have to mentally translate everything according to what year it took place and how long ago that was. But it’s also interesting to hear stuff from people who were the age I am now, so I don’t have to mentally translate the age difference either.

I’ve heard a lot of Daniel Kitson over the last year and a bit. Too much, probably. Arguably more than a doctor might recommend. But I’m usually translating for age, because this spans twenty years, and for most of those years he was not the age I am now. I’ve heard him younger, and I’ve heard him older. But not usually at this age.

Yesterday I heard a new recording for the first time, from 2010, when Kitson was 33. I’m going to be 33 in a couple of months. It’s not exactly my age, but it’s quite close. And I think I might have heard the most specifically relatable thing I’ve ever heard in a stand-up comedy show. Pretty fucking close, anyway. Sorry for quoting this shit you didn’t mean to record, Kitson. It’ll take it down soon.

I went to my friend's birthday drinks, and they happened in a pub, stroke restaurant function room, at about four in the afternoon, and literally everybody else there was either married and/or had children. And they were all... if I had to characterize the atmosphere, it would be: "We're all getting on, aren't we? Aren't we all getting on? Ha ha aren't we all getting on? Look at us, all getting on!" Literally, I have never felt more like angry Jesus in the Temple. "This is bullshit! Do you remember when we used to have fun? See you in... fucking eighteen years, when you stop being dull." I mean, I don't... it's just... they just seem to be such a peculiar thing. And I don't want to have to work out a date to go and visit my friends. I want my friends to be 'round the corner. Waiting for me at all times. I mean, arguably that's a self-involved view of the world. ... It can't be a good sign, that you're at a gathering for someone's birthday and everyone's getting on and it makes you genuinely angry.

It's not like it's a new subject or anything. I've heard Kitson talk about this specific thing lots of times before - the way he bought a house in London and then all his friends moved away from London and that was the beginning of his Loneliness Era. After the Beginning, Before the End is almost all about that, and it's the bleakest fucking comedy show I've ever heard.

But that show was from 2013 - he'd had some time to get used to it by then, to figure out exactly what he thought about it and wanted to say. He talked about it for years, as he figured out how to put complicated situations into eloquent words. The above quote is from 2010, relatively soon after this began, when he was still just telling the story somewhat off the cuff (I mean, I'm sure he wrote that "Jesus in the Temple" line beforehand, but it didn't sound very rehearsed), as a thing that had just happened, not as something he'd really turned into material yet. And fucking hell. Yep, that's what that is. That's what happens there. If anyone here hasn't turned 32 yet, just so you know, that is what happens. People don't just keep doing what used to be fun. They all drop it for new things and you have to either do that too or just not do stuff anymore.

Last week, I was in the car with my dad, and my dad told me, "You know, your problem is that you go through your whole life never expecting anything to change, and then every time it does, you're absolutely appalled." And I said, yep. Good point. "Appalled" is an accurate word there, conveys the correct amount of shock and disbelief.

I mean, at least Kitson's friends disappeared to do cool stuff like TV shows and touring music careers. Want to know where my friends went? Okay, pre-pandemic, I had a good group of people who coached this team with me, and two or three times a week, after practice we'd go to a pub and hang out for a couple of hours. Then on weekends we'd travel to tournaments, come back after, meet at someone's house, watch videos of matches from the day. Spend most weekends together when we weren't traveling. Here's where each of them are now:

Got serious with his girlfriend during COVID, moved out of his apartment that was just down the road from me (where I used to walk to in ten minutes and hang out for the night all the time, we were quite close), moved into the suburbs that's an hour away on the bus and impossible to walk to, still comes to practice but travels and stays with his girlfriend instead of with the team on trips and almost never comes to social stuff anymore, I haven't had a social conversation with him in two years

Started dating a guy with a kid, threw herself into being a serious girlfriend and stepmother, moved out of downtown and in with him, stopped coming to practice altogether for a long time, now still does occasionally but doesn't do any social stuff

Tried to fuck a teenager so we had to kick him off the team and our of our lives, and in the process got rid of quite a bit of my faith in humanity and ability to trust people since I learned that someone I liked so much and considered a good friend was capable of that

Died of a brain aneurysm in 2021 (also, the last proper conversation I had with him was to get mad at him for not doing enough to condemn the previous guy, even though that not fair at all and it's not his fault and I was just angry and unfairly taking it out on him, and I didn't know not to leave it on a bad note because he was going to die at 27, did I?)

Got in a really stupid argument with the rest of the team about practice locations, which we thought would just be a blip because we'd been friends for ten years, but that was almost two years ago and she hasn't spoken to any of us since

There's one guy whom I call my best friend and have for many years, I've known him since 2004 and have lived either with him or within a 15-minute walk from him since 2015 (longer if you leave out a couple of years when I was temporarily living outside the city but we knew it would be temporary and kept in close contact), he's still the same, might be moving into my house next month actually, but is also talking about buying a house in the suburbs soon after that

So that was that immediate group from pre-COVID. Other good friends I've had in recent years are now:

Married a woman who lived in Australia, moved there to be with her, has been back and forth between here and there at times since then, but they're trying for a kid now so once that happens he'll just be in Australia

Moved halfway across the country because his girlfriend got a job out there

Moved to the bigger city several hours away because he got a better job out there (x3)

Got engaged to her boyfriend and then pregnant and I haven't seen or heard from her since

Bought a house in the suburbs

Bought a house in the suburbs with her boyfriend, now pregnant

Most of my friends don't even have kids, but it still feels like every time we're together, we're trying to create something that's not there anymore. It's this awkward thing where we're trying to have a polite conversation and catch up on each other's news as though we didn't used to share everything all the time. There's another Kitson quote that's come into my head almost every time I've tried to do anything with friends this year; the quote's about having friends who used to live nearby come visit after they've moved away:

Trying, and failing to re-capture the glory days. Doing the things they used to do, saying the things they used to say, eating the things they used to eat, watching the television they used to watch. None of them noticing that the one thing that made those days so truly glorious was the complete absence of any effort being required.

I don't know how much of it is COVID and how much of it is just that people change when they get into their thirties, I know it's a combination of both. But I will say, I haven't heard many people hit that subject so hard. People skirt around it. People talk about how much it sucks if you're the only person among your friends to not be getting married and having kids, but they often say it sucks because they wish they could be doing those things too, not because they wish everyone else would just be going on with the same life they had in their twenties. Because they were the only one who didn't hear that everyone's supposed to grow up and move on from old friendships, and then they're appalled when anything changes. What do you mean, you didn't want to just do that forever? Well you should have said so at the time and I wouldn't have gotten so invested!

And yes, I know you can make new friends, but they're just going to get into relationships and have kids and move away too. And then I'll be appalled when things change all over again. You have fun for a while, but eventually it fades into sitting in someone's living room after not having seen them for six months and having a polite and superficial catch-up where you pretend that's normal while kind of wanting to flip tables like Jesus in the Temple.

Anyway, I'm doing fine. Have a new job and everything. Definitely not documenting a small breakdown on Tumblr.com. Will genuinely feel better after some sleep, probably.

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ginalinettiofficial · 1 year

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💕tagging info💕

hi!!! basic info in my bio but yea i’m daina i’m 27 and i’ve been on this webbed sight for over a decade now right here on this very blog so we’ve got YEARS of content in this bad boy. who knows what’s on here?? certainly not me!!

that said, lately i’ve been trying to make more of an effort to tag stuff so that ppl who follow me for one specific fandom or another can block the fandoms they don’t follow!! i’m currently posting mainly stranger things and dc stuff, but u may happen upon me in the midst of a renewed hyperfixation for any of the following:

stranger things: #st

dc/batman: #dc

dungeons and daddies: #dndads

avatar: #atla

twilight: #twilight

disneys decendants: #descendants

check please: #omgcp

marvel: #marvel

taylor swift: #ts

harry styles: #hs

teen wolf: #tw

star wars: #sw

brooklyn nine-nine: #b99

community: #community

most other stuff i usually just tag w the full name of the thing (like #friends for friends, #new girl for new girl, etc) but yea for most things that i post about regularly i try to use one of the itty bitty short tags because they’re easier to type and therefore easier for me to consistently tag since i’m on mobile 95% of the time

other general tags:

personal or original posts: #d speaks

asks: #asks

polls that i make: #d polls

stuff that makes me feel good about humanity or inspired by people or shit like that: #human stuff

fics or articles i want to circle back to: #to read

art/things that inspire me to draw etc: #art ref

writing tips/insp: #writing ref

fashion/pretty clothes: #fashion ref

general stuff to reference: #reference

things i want to buy: #want

zodiac stuff: #aries

any not safe for work stuff i’ll tag w a general #nsfw but i have minors following me so i generally try to not reblog anything that’s nsfw/too explicit!! & during ramadan i try to tag any food as #nsfr & i’m more than happy to add any other haram content to that list too, just lmk!!

if u need any triggers tagged or there’s content i’m posting that you’d rather blacklist (a fandom, a ship, a character, whatever!) and i don’t have a tag for it pls lmk!! it’s fully nbd to me and i’ll happily tag anything for ya.

💕happy blogging friends :-)💕

#d speaks

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aspecpplarebeautiful · 2 years

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[tw internalized aphobia]

hi!

i always felt good about my aroace identity. i always took a lot of pride in it and never struggled with it, but lately i’ve been thinking that it would’ve been better if i just identified as bisexual (i used the bi label before aro and ace). seeing some posts here really made me think that it would be just a lot simpler if i was in fact bi and not aroace.

i know that labels don’t have to be “old” to be legitimate, but i feel that some people online still see it that way? it makes me wish i was one of these labels that are seen as legitimate and real.

do you have any advice to deal with this internalized aphobia? i try to curate my online space as best of my ability but there’s always a voice in my head that keeps coming back saying it’d be better if i was bi instead.

sorry if this is too much information. your blog is a safe space for me i really appreciate your attention to answering asks and helping people. i hope your doing well 🤍

Yeah curating your online experience is definitely a good first step. Make sure you're also making good use of blacklisting options too. The more you see things that reinforce your internalized aphobia the harder it will be to work through that.

The other thing I'd recommend is go out of your way to regularly see and consume positive a-spec stuff. So that can be following blogs, which it sounds like you're already doing, but seeking out videos, checking out community, spaces, etc. I think it's especially really good to just see aces and aros talk about being ace and aro and talk about their own experiences.

Do you know any ace or aro people? Are you friends with any allies? If not, maybe consider joining an ace/aro discord server or something like that. So you have people you can talk to about being aroace.

If you're not already I'd also look into aroace media, there's more rep coming out all the time and some of it's really good. I've personally really enjoyed the Jughead 2015 run from Archie comics, Elatsoe by Darcie Little Badger (YA Novel), and The Magnus Archives (Podcast) all of which have a-spec main characters. Alice Oseman is someone else to watch too, she's aroace and has a-spec characters throughout her works. Her book Loveless is specifically about an aroace college student coming to terms with her identity (this could be a bit raw if you're in a similar place), but if you're watching her current show Heartstoppers, Isaac is aroace as well and she's promised there'll be more a-spec content next season.

In general if you're not sure where to look for media, googling lists (such as books with ace characters, podcfasts with aro characters. etc) is usually a pretty effective way to find ace/aro media.

If you're comfortable with it another thing you can consider it pride stuff. If you don't want visible pride stuff around that will out you, maybe you can get a subtle pride art for your phone background or something like that.

Basically you want to connect with your identity, so not just see positive things about but also feel it.

Another thing you can do is some exercises to help yourself think differently. If you can identify the negative thought processes you're having about being aroace, or about it being better to be bi, you can consciously stop them and correct yourself.

So for example if you're thinking 'aroace is a newer coined label and people won't take it serously', you can stop and remind yourself that actually it's a term that has become very widely accepted in a short amount of time, including by most major lgbtq orgs. Or that the people who say that are jerks and their opinion on your identity doesn't really matter (or whatever resonates with you).

And you don't have to do more than that, just a gentle correction and move on with your day.

Another exercise that may help could be something like journaling, where once a week or something you like about the label aroace. So it could be listing things you like about being aroace, it could be things you like the community, things you like about the label itself, it doesn't matter. But that will help get you in the habit of thinking positive things or making positive associations with your label.

So generally speaking it takes time to unlearn internalized oppression. There's no flip you're going to switch and suddenly do better. But usually once you've identified it and you're making an effort, it will usually gradually get better. It's important to give yourself time though and be patient with the process.

All the best, Anon! Good luck!

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herrmannhalsteadproduction · 2 years

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If You Give a Mouse a Cookie (Chapter 2)

Summary: This is Part Four of my series A Herrmann/Halstead Production. It is an AU where Christopher Herrmann's mom had an affair with Pat Halstead resulting in a baby. The series follows this OC character (Rebecca "Bex" Herrmann) as she grows up and gets to know her brothers and the various Chicago teams. It is very much an AU, just to underscore that. It doesn't follow the same timeline and characters will follow different paths.

Part One was Oopsie Baby which you can read here.

Part Two was Promises Kept which you can read here.

Part Three was Stop Adopting My Friends which you can read here.

Part Four is all about the return of Mouse and Bex bringing him into the family/friend group. This also touches on the episode when there was a hit out on Jay.

Rating: Teen Audiences and Up

Relationships: Christopher Herrmann & Original Female Character, Jay Halstead & Original Female Character, Will Halstead & Original Female Character, Jay Halstead & Will Halstead, Greg 'Mouse' Gerwitz & Original Female Character, Jay Halstead & Greg 'Mouse' Gerwitz, Jay Halstead/Erin Lindsay

Warnings: Implied and referenced drug use/addiction, PTSD, minor violence, assassination attempt

A/N: I'll post the link to the ao3 page at the bottom. This story has not only an OC character, but some quirky elements which may or may not be everyone's jam. Just FYI. Please enjoy my mostly fluffy with a bit of angst story. :D

Click here for Chapter One.

Chapter Two

He didn’t disappear…not completely.

Seeing Mouse became a kind of regularly irregular thing.

Sometimes he was at Jay’s when she stopped by.

Sometimes they ran into each other out and about in the city. It was funny that had never happened before, but Bex figured it was a sign they were meant to be in each other’s spheres again.

She knew he was into some not good stuff, but every time they crossed paths and he seemed extra twitchy or strung out, she’d remember that friendly face from the video chats with Jay. She couldn’t help wanting to be a friendly face for him now.

Bex kept the chats light whenever she would see him, always friendly, never judging or pressing. Her experiences with Jay had taught her that a delicate approach could go a long way. Of course, just like with Jay, there came a time when she had to—not push—but nudge.

It was a few months after Mouse’s reappearance in her life. She’d just come off the bus from a volunteer shift at the hospital and was rushing to get home. It was friggin’ freezing outside. February in Chicago was no joke, but it had been exceptionally nasty lately.

Bex was hunched into her coat, trying to conserve her warmth and trying to see through the fog of her breath. In her rush, she wasn’t quite careful enough and slipped in the slush, crashing into the body hurrying past her.

“Woah,” a familiar voice said as arms stopped her fall.

“Mouse?” She squinted up into blue eyes that looked as surprised as she felt.

“Bex?” He helped her find her feet. “What are you doing here?”

“I live here.” Bex pointed down the street to her building and Mouse frowned as he released her. “Does Jay know that?”

“Yeah,” she laughed. “Why?”

“It’s just, uh,” he scratched at the back of his head as he peered at their surroundings. “It’s kind of a shitty neighbourhood.” “Ouch, Mouse,” she said. “I’m twenty-two. Shitty neighbourhoods are pretty much all I can afford.”

“Right, no, yeah,” he said, shaking his head. “Fair. Anyway, good seeing you, Bex. I should—”

“Do you want to come over?” Bex jumped in, not wanting to let him out of her sight quite yet. He was wearing a threadbare coat and his beanie—no gloves, no scarf—he looked half-frozen and Bex was itching to get him inside and let him warm up. Maybe convince him to stay for a meal.

“Nah,” Mouse said. “Thanks, but, uh—”

“I made chili yesterday,” she wheedled, pulling out the big guns. “I think I’ve almost cracked Uncle Bo’s secret recipe.”

“Chili?” He ducked his head, a smile quirking the edge of his lips. “I could go for some chili.”

“Come on.” She led him down the street to her place and up the stairs to her apartment.

Mouse wandered around the apartment, checking things out while Bex got out a pot and started reheating the chili. It should have felt weirder having him in her space, inspecting her pictures and random collectibles, but weirder still was how weird it didn’t feel? Did that even make sense? She shook her head and focused on the food.

“These your roommates?”

Bex popped out of the kitchen to look at the photo he was pointing at. “Those three are,” she said, pointing out Kira, Malia, and Emery. “The other five live next door. We’re all back and forth so much we should really just knock down the wall and make it one big apartment.”

He chuckled softly. “Good to have good friends.”

“It is,” she smiled at him. “Food’s ready if you want to grab a seat.”

They ate together at the tiny kitchen table Emery had found on the sidewalk two streets over. (Don’t tell Jay.) Her chili still wasn’t as good as Uncle Bo’s, but she was getting there. Maybe.

It was interesting—visiting with Mouse without Jay there. Conversation wasn’t flowing exactly, but they were chatting and he kept dropping little tidbits about himself here and there. It made her realize how he let Jay answer for him when the three of them hung out. Leaning on that shared history. She soaked up every bit of information he offered, not sure when she’d get the opportunity again.

And then, way too quickly, dinner was done.

The meal put some colour back into Mouse’s cheeks and she tried to get him to stick around to watch a movie, but it was like, all of a sudden, he hyper aware of his surroundings. And his company. He started getting twitchier by the minute before quickly making his exit.

Bex barely had a chance to stick a tub of cookies in his hands.

“Nice to see you,” she said to the door.

A few nights later, Jay sidled up to the counter at Molly’s while she was working. His eyebrows were pinched together in a little frown. “You had Mouse over for dinner?”

“Yeah, I ran into him the other day and it was crazy cold out so I invited him up for something to eat,” she said, frowning back at him as she worked her way through cleaning behind the bar. “Is that a problem?” She really hoped her tone conveyed that it better not be a problem, but Jay being Jay just frowned deeper at her.

“Listen,” he said, leaning in and talking quietly, but seriously. “Mouse is a good guy, I mean you know—” Jay shook his head, taking a minute to find his words. “Mouse is one of my best friends, but he’s also struggling with a lot right now and that makes things a bit…unpredictable.”

“I know this, Jay,” Bex agreed. “So he needs support, right? I was just—”

“Bex,” Jay closed his eyes briefly before smiling sadly at her. “I know what you were doing and I love you for it, but can you just trust me that I’ve got this? With Mouse? And promise not to hang out with him unless I’m there?”

“He wouldn’t do anything, Jay.”

“Just promise me, Bex.”

That was the last thing she wanted to do. It felt like turning her back on Mouse. Was she supposed to actually turn away if she saw him out and about again? She didn’t think she could do that. But the way Jay was looking at her made her feel like she couldn’t say anything other than, “Okay, I promise.”

She’d figure out how to bend the rules on that one somehow.

Except the opportunity never came up. Mouse seemed to fall off of the grid completely. Maybe Jay had something to him too and now he was avoiding her? The thought made her stomach twist. She needed to talk this out with Jay.

But he was being impossible to get a hold of. Bex was about ready to park herself outside of his door and wait for him to come home so she could make him talk to her. She’d called and texted and he kept brushing her off.

‘Work’s crazy. Can’t talk right now’

‘That sucks.’ she texted him back. ‘I’ll swing by and drop some meals in your fridge.’

After days of badgering, that somehow got an immediate response. ‘NO. Stay away from my apartment right now, Bex. I’m serious. Don’t go there or to the precinct. PROMISE ME RIGHT NOW.’

Jesus. What the— ‘Okay, I promise. What’s going on, Jay???’

‘Can’t talk right now. Stay away and I’ll call when I can.’

Zero parts of that text were making her feel better. Now she was concerned about Mouse and Jay. Nobody from Intelligence was showing up to Molly’s lately so she couldn’t try and pry answers out of any of them.

Seriously. What the hell was going on?

***

Jay

Jay stared at the photo of Steve Kot’s daughter on the board.

Al’s words—“going after their family members”—swirled around in his brain on repeat.

When he’d heard about the hit Bembenek had placed on him, he thought he could ride it out. Switch up his routine. Keep a sharp eye out. Wait for the heat to die down.

Then Maddie got shot. Just for being near him.

All he could think while her blood was pouring out around his fingers was 'that that bullet was meant for me.'

Him. Not her. All she’d done was be near him.

And now—

…going after their family members…

—all he could think about—

…going after their family members…

—all he could see—

…going after their family members…

—was an image of Bex lying on that floor. With blood pouring out of her neck. Gasping and staring at him with pain and fear in her eyes. Bex dying.

Because of him.

“—Halstead!”

Voight’s voice cut through the roar of white noise in his ears, pulling him back into sharp focus.

“Family members,” he croaked out. “If they’re going after—Bex—we have to—”

The sergeant stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. Grounded him with a firm squeeze. “I know, Jay,” Voight said. “We’ve got a unit headed her way now. One going to the Herrmann’s place too.”

Chris and Cindy. Christ, the kids. He hadn’t even considered them. How could he not of thought—panic over his people—his family—being taken from him clawed its way up his throat.

“We’re going to keep them safe,” Voight said, his voice firm. Unwavering. “Nothing’s going to happen to them, Jay. They’ll be protected.”

Jay tried to nod, overwhelmed by the faces of his unit looking so fucking determined. He looked away, closing his shaking hands into fists. There was a spot of blood down on his right wrist that he’d missed. Maddie’s blood.

He tried to nod. Tried to breathe. Tried to focus on Voight’s words.

They’d keep her safe. They had to.

Maddie. Gasping. Blood in his hands.

Because he sure as shit couldn’t.

Click here for Chapter Three.

(And here is the link to read If You Give a Mouse a Cookie on ao3.)

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thetaekookcloset · 2 years

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I love reading your love. Can you suggest other blogs, youtube, Twitter, any source who analyse and write opinion pieces on taekook?

I will be thankful:)

Thank you so much!

As far as blogs go, you probably know the same ones I do. The two TK blogs I keep up with regularly are @taekookgotjamz and @alottamoney. I think they both have well-reasoned takes and I enjoy reading their stuff!

I’m not on Twitter much because that place is a hellscape. I mostly just check out the posts it recommends to me, so I don’t really have specific accounts I go to for TK stuff, with the exception of sometimes checking TheTKGlobal for updates. I feel like they’re reliable to get a sense of what’s going on: they’re quick and thorough, keep to the facts, and if they make a mistake on something, they correct themselves.

YouTube is actually where I get most of my news, updates, and general content. There’s a lot of fluff to sift through that’s mostly nonsense, but it’s also the place I’ve found that has the best stuff all together too, once you find it. Here are a few of my favorite accounts:

Peachlesslyyy - May has a great mix of fun compilations and analysis, all of which I find to be pretty well-reasoned. She doesn’t over-analyze or exaggerate, and her compilations speak for themselves. She has a really genuine love for Taekook which comes through in all her content, and her timeline and translation work is really informative. I especially recommend her video “Taekook Being Uncomfortable With Each Other for 14 Minutes” and also “Taekook Videos that Make Me Happy” but really all of them are well worth a watch.

Me, Myself, and BTS - Lucy’s channel is also, like, invaluable. She does translations of V Lives and themed compilations, like compilations of Taekook with different members, moments it’s easy to miss from official content like In the Soop, and different ways TK show their affection for each other. I love this channel and I watch everything she puts out.

Taeggukstime - This channel doesn’t have very many videos, but the ones that are there are super interesting and informative. A lot of it is theorizing, so watch it and make your own opinions, but in particular the video on the 2018 disbandment talks, with a focus on Taekook, is fantastic. It really just presents all of the information with its context and lets you draw your own conclusions.

bluebelly taekook - This is another channel with just a few videos, but I think their “Guide to Taekook” video is so much fun. It does a good job of pretty succinctly showing what makes TK different, but it’s also really funny and cute. I’ve watched it more than once just for the dopamine.

Imagine Us - This channel has a lot of really good, but also fun, content. There are some good compilations, but what makes this one special is that there are specific videos addressing a lot of things that come up in TK spaces often: what makes them different, what is there to TK beyond skinship, their chemistry, that sort of thing.

Those are probably the biggest ones for me, the accounts I return to over and over again. Of course there’s also ansitless for some classic TK analysis, and lately I’ve been on KookV a lot. I don’t agree with all of the points made on that one, but it’s quick with updates and responses to things, and for the most part, I think the person running it is reasonable and not inclined to exaggerate things.

I hope this gives you some fun stuff to peruse, and thank you again for your kind words!

#ask #taekook

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njuum · 2 years

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I never dreamed of being a professional artist, especially working for/at a studio or something, like a lot of artists seems to dream of. I don’t really enjoy doing commissions except for a very narrow spectrum of stuff, and I don't want to commercialise my personal work by selling merchandising like prints, shirts and whatnot.

Drawing is fun, but doing it for money only makes me not enjoy it. Charging more for commissions doesn't make me enjoy working on them any more, nor it makes me want to work on them them any more. On the contrary, it only gives me more anxiety. I’m only doing this because it’s pretty much my only option when it comes to work, and I have a bare minimum enjoyment doing it, everything else available for me now would be straight up miserable.

When it comes to patreon, I feel like I have to deliver something at least bi-weekly, or I don't deserve my money. I know that’s not true, but, realistically, I do need to deliver stuff more or less regularly or I won’t get new followers on any social media, patreon being the most relevant one because it generates income. And if I don’t get more followers on the other social media, such as, twitter and tumblr, it’s very unlikely I’ll get new followers on patreon. Since late 2019/early 2020, I’ve been only losing income on patreon. There’s always someone new who joins, but it’s often followed by someone who was in a higher tier leaving a short time later. There was a period when someone gave a rather generous pledge, but they changed it back later. And, the problem is that if I don’t produce content which is either extremely appealing or produce a flood of content, or if I don’t have the luck of somehow becoming famous overnight, I won’t get more people/people who donate more following me on patreon.

Then there is, at least for me, another issue with drawing for money, specifically that I don’t trust or believe doing commissions for furries is a stable “market”. Yes, furries have been growing in popularity lately, but, who knows how long that subculture will last? Who knows what unforeseen turns the world might take? That was the case with COVID, which made people lose jobs and income, and was probably a major cause of me losing so many followers on patreon. Similarly, USA’s law system recently overturned a decision that was over 30 years old. Some say they seek to overturn same-sex marriage as well. I can see such things affecting the income of furry artists, since a majority of furries are from the USA, and about half of furries are something LGBT+, so, increased LGBT+ discrimination in the USA could lead to LGBT+ furries losing their jobs, which in turn could lead furry artists to get less commissions, since now those people would have to worry first and foremost about their survival instead of buying furry art. But all of this is a post-hoc rationalisation for decisions I have already made.

I got a suggestion from someone saying that, since I don’t enjoy working on furry commissions, I should focus on things such as commissions for companies. To me that is a non-solution to my problem, just replacing one source of anxiety with another, actually worse one, since that sort of work would put me under a legally-binding contract, often with a time limit to finish my work, and very likely under a non-disclosure agreement, so I would only be able to show my work to, say, my partner who lives with me and my one closest friend.

But, to me, that seems more like a desperate attempt by the person who suggested it to me that I should continue drawing no matter what. When it comes to this problem, asking a friend to listen to me will often be unproductive, because so it happens that most of my friends like my art quite a lot, so they are emotionally attached to in in one way or another, and suddenly having the prospect of not having new art by me hurts their feelings somehow. I was actually quite surprised when both people I talked to about this seemed personally offended by me saying “I don’t like doing furry commissions and I don’t want to do it anymore”, they quickly jumped to the conclusion that I don’t want to draw at all anymore, when, in reality, I didn’t say that. They seem to assume that I want to throw everything out of the window and never touch a pencil or look at a sheet of paper again, when I didn’t say that at all. Both people took this to be a problem that needs solving, that Liz is slightly depressed due to the winter, so they just need to be convinced that things will be alright and on some magical day in the future they’ll get a living wage through their art, that it’s okay to not want to do commissions, that they can work with art in some other way instead. Both people only calmed down when I said I could keep doing commissions but more slowly, and also take a break during the winter.

(To me, that sort of emotionally-loaded reaction about others’ decisions in life feels extremely counterproductive, both to the person who took the decision and to their trust in that friendship. Being offended because a friend doesn’t fulfill one’s expectation of being a professional artist is about the same as a parent being angry at their kid because they didn’t win the football tournament, when the kid just wanted to play for fun, or even maybe for winning, but not winning professionally. Anyway, that’s not the main point of this, so let’s get back on track.)

The next non-solution comes from myself, from seeing artists who do this: exploiting my work commercially from every angle possible, such as by selling pins, prints, shirts, hats, and then it spirals down into absurdity with things such as pillowcases, bags, cups, key-chains, any sort of merchandise and useless trinket possible. I have two main problems with this:

First, I absolutely loathe consumerism and consumerist culture. I don’t buy such crap. I think producing such trinkets, which will be disposed of when the person changes their taste is a waste of our planet’s resources. Not only that, it doesn’t hold together if you try to see it from a larger scale, of people buying merchandise for every single thing they like, to support every single artist they follow and so on. I also think it is a rather stupid notion of capitalist societies that, to express your individuality, you must dress like this or that and have this same haircut as everyone else in your club has and so on. I think viznut/pwp’s demo “progress without progress” summarizes this very well. I don’t want to say what others should do and think, but I’m not going to take part in consumerism culture myself. I’d rather wear folk, no-brand and local-made clothes, even if I look tacky, than wear anything because of its brand. And if I do wear that, it’s more because it fits my personal taste and philosophy than due to it being in fashion.

Second, I can’t just take something I put my heart into, sometimes literal tears into, and slap a price tag onto it. That feels vile. I can’t understand how others do it, often seemingly with very little effort. I can’t just take those characters which are a piece of myself, draw them doing a cute face and order a company at the other side of the planet to mass-produce a bunch of disposable garbage with my drawing stamped on it. To me that is pretty much selling a part of myself, selling my soul. It hurts to even think of doing that. Being paid for unique commissions? Sure. Being paid in a donation-like system, such as patreon, for previews of sketches and so on? Sure. Letting others print out my work, for free, if it means something to them? Sure. Working on a collab art book that will be printed out? Sure. Mass-producing copies of my work as a fashionable thing just because uncle capitalism wants to? No, thanks, I’ll pass.

Well, with all of that out of the way, let’s talk about what I want to do. I've wanted to study linguistics since I was 18 or so; I wanted to learn more about Old English when I was 16, and I actually remember wanting to learn Latin when I was a kid. I love understand how language works, and I never get tired of coming back to those same topics over and over. Sometimes I learn a new little thing and I’m amazed by it, even if it’s just a little drop in the ocean of what language is. Heck, one of the main things I care about on my worldbuilding is language. My characters only have a culture and a world of themselves because I needed that to make their language feel more realistic.

I want to study linguistics even if it’s just out of curiosity, even if I get to the end of my course and go, “well, I liked being an artist more than being an academic”. Not to mean that it is mutually exclusive with being an artist, I don’t think it is, at least on a rational level (sometimes I’m afraid academic life would sap all of my free time, but rationally that doesn’t make much sense). Actually, I would die of sadness if I wasn’t allowed to draw, or if I couldn’t draw any more. But I want to work on my personal things because I love them, not because I’m desperate for money, because I need to survive. It’s pretty sad that the world works like that, although complaining about it is not going to change things right here and right now.

Also, unlike many people seem to want nowadays, I don’t want to make loads of money, get rich and then retire early and then spend my time leisurely. All I want to do is work with things I find interesting, until the day I die. If I can’t work with the things I like, I can’t get much enjoyment out of life and it wouldn’t be too different from not living. So, I don’t care at all about making any money from my art, I don’t care about “hitting big”, I don’t care that academic linguistics is not a “profitable” field either. I don’t even care about being popular or “successful”, whatever that word means. I just want to have fun working. If I could live at a place I like, near a lake and go for a swim every once in a while, my life would be perfect. (Maybe I would even enjoy working on commissions if it was more of a side thing, because I do enjoy seeing others being happy from having a personal version of my work. I only hate doing it so much because of the pressure of living up to a standard and needing to “deserve” that money which I was give for my work, because if I fail to do it, I’ll fail to survive.)

Anyway, there isn’t much I can do regarding any of those things right now. Despite having public education, my country has a very conservative/traditionalist approach towards it, which I find rather stupid. If I wanted to get into a public university or get a discount at a private university, I’d have to take either one of two, or both tests; one which is local to each university, and another one which is at a national level and lets you go into any university and get a discount at private ones, as long as you get a good grade. These tests are taken around October-November, over the course of two separate weekends, lasting about five hours each, and cover every singe subject one studies at middle and high-school. Taking both tests gives you a better chance, but you can only sign up for the national one between February and early May, and it is only valid for the next year, which means that if I wanted to go to university now, I’d have to wait for the next year to sign up for the test, only to enroll in university in February/2024. The other, per-university test is held for every semester on many universities, but it does not give you a discount at private universities.

My city doesn’t have a public university, so my only option would be to take the national-level test and get a good grade at it so I could get a discount, otherwise I would have to pay about 200USD every month. Living at any of the capitals on my area of the country is not an option because rent is expensive, living costs are expensive, campii for public universities are often at the outskirts of cities, thus increasing transportation expenses. The capital of my state has a high rate of violence as well, so it’s not a good place to live. I can’t really go live at my partner’s parents’ both because of personal reasons, as well as because they live at one of the worst places for LGBT+ people in this country.

Even without all of those problems, public university teachers here seem to have an ivory-tower-complex, and are often rude and extremely condescending to their students. An extreme example being, TW, a student who recently committed suicide after being bullied by a teacher over an assignment. A more trivial example was my partner having burn-out due to having classes with ridiculously pedantic professors who complained about even a minor deviation of standard terminology on their field. Aside from that, there is also the fact that university courses last around four to five years here, and there is no concept of “majors” and “minors” like in many European and North-American universities.

Okay, but let’s say I could go around all of those things, that the most of them are problems only because I’m so whinny. Could I go to university study linguistics, in, say, Icelandic, Old Norse, Old English or Germanic languages in general? No, because there is no such course here. There isn’t any kind of linguistics course on universities here, not even for our national language or any of the major languages spoken here and abroad. The closest thing is “Letters” which is more like a course on literature, often coming in the form of a licentiate course focused on teaching language, usually aimed at grade school.

So, there it is, I have no option, I live at no-opportunity land. Hence, I have to keep doing furry commissions whether I like it or not. I have to wait for the time when I have the chance to leave this place, so I can do more of the things I like doing with my life. I’ll be really happy when that happens.

#okay i guess i'll start tagging those with #njuum:journal #so they don't get lost amidst the art reblobs #one can see how i started writing this on twitter because the first few paragraphs are very convoluted #oh i forgot i had the tag #words

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