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honeydvew · 3 years

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what's the biggest life decision (you feel comfortable saying) that you've ever made? do you ever think about what would've happened if you hadn't made a certain choice/how it would've affected your life?

canofworms0 downloading tumblr. i know that sounds stupid but honestly its real. im not allowed to have anything else in regards to social media. not instagram, not twitter, not snapchat, not tik tok, nothing. my mother knows i have tumblr so i dont know why she doesnt make me delete it (but it might have to do with the fact she thinks its like deviant art or smth) but im so glad she doesnt. as social-media-addicted-teenager as this sounds without tumblr my life would fucking suk right now. i wouldnt have the things i do and i wouldnt be as happy. and i can give you examples.

lets go in order of events shall we :)

1. i downloaded tumblr some time last year (around may i think) and i immediately found a blog i liked! they were a 13yo like me they shared some of my interests and they seemed really cool! so i followed them. i dont know this blogs current @ but im so lucky i ever found them. a month or so later they posted about a server! it was a community server that they and some friends were in. i joined. thats where i met @starry-baby-katie and @gayishgothamite. and i love those dorks (affectionate)! we might not talk very offten but i think of them as people who are SO important to me. i love them with my whole soul and i dont know if my life would be as bright without them.

2. around 11/5 of last year i was scrolling through tumblr like usual. i saw an add for a server. at that point i was in maybe three servers on discord and didnt have many friends so i thought you know why not! its a mental health server and i wasnt in the best place maybe could benefit from it a bit. i joined and there were maybe 14 members including the mods. we didnt really think the server would go much of anywhere for a while and i honestly didnt interact much for a while but you know what. now that server is such a huge part of my life i dont think i would be here without it. i mean i love every last person there so much. literally all of them. @the-final-braincell bun bun is honestly one of the best people ive ever met. they’re funny and joyful and just the best to be around. talking to them always cheers me up and she always manages to make me laugh. were on the mod team together and she is such an important part of the team that we wouldnt run as smoothly as we do without her. i love them so so much and if i hadnt gotten tumblr? would never have met them. then theres @sir-tigerr. tiger. just. tiger. hes so amazing and i honestly would die for him. i love him so much and just talking to him can make my day. i wouldnt be as happy and the sever wouldnt be as fun without him. and @reallyradrat server owner :) sammy im so grateful for sammys existence just.. overall. they made the sever. they wrote the add post. and they’re such a good friend. i cant imagine not having them in my life they’ve made such a difference. so just... thank you <3 and @tiredconfusedandgay!! cub!! i love them!! theyre such a joy to be around and them being in the server is such a lucky thing! it wouldnt be as fun and bright of a place without them and they bring so much every time and i love seeing them in chat everyday. and with leo comes @canofworms0 baby child. anni is so amazing. just overall. so happy and funny and just an amazing person to be around and im so happy to have them in the server. @lentil-darling !!! kittycat!!! i love them!! they're so amazing and have helped me through things on more than one occasion and I'm so grateful for that and for them. they're such a good friend and i always have such a good time whenever we vc! its honestly something i look forward to! and speaking of VCs @gayest-unicorn is amazing. VCing with them is so fun and i hope we can do it more often. and on top of that just messaging them is great! and they're puns (ouns ;)/ij)? FANTASTIC! i hate puns by most means but whenever they crack a joke it makes my day 4000 times better. he's just amazing and i think he deserves the world. cant say enough praise to him :) so i low key have to speedrun this bc im running out of time to type this but all of these people also deserve the world and i wouldnt know them if it wasnt for tumblr @smoll-lightning-bug @totally-tater-tot @savemycrustysoul @a-broken-laptop @nantuckets-weaver @undead-mutt @hufflepuff-pide-honey-badger @human331279 and just so so many more whos @s i didnt get or couldnt find. i am so grateful to have in my life because of this server and that post. that post literally changed my life forever and i cant imagine my life without it and without these people

3. a few months went by and i made some mutuals and friends and whatnot. my at the time friend irl then made an account. i was really excited! why wouldnt i be! friend made account! awesome! but another thing about that? i had a crush on them.. and they could now see my account. but fuck it it was a great trade off. we spent a lot of time sending each other asks and messaging while in quarantine and it was just great. then i saw an ask game and i rebloged it. i realized this ask game said “♻ are we a qpp or what?” as one of the asks. now im a coward and i could NEVER have done this outside tumblr in anyway but i took the chance. i sent them the post and said “you should rb this! you have followers that would interact im sure” and so.. they did. i sent the ask and they said yes :) five months later and we’re still dating. whos this amazing person? that my friend would be @mossofthecosmos the most amazing person ive ever met. theyre the light of my life and if it werent for tumblr i would still be a blushy, semi-verbal, embarrassed, mess around them. and we wouldnt be dating. i cant even imagine what that would be like. i love them so much and they make every day wroth living for me and if it werent for tumblr, i wouldnt have that.

4. and ive made friends. so many of them. and i love them all so much! i dont talk to a few anymore but for the while we did they made my days and made me so happy. without tumblr i wouldnt have met @mimekyo or @books-andbiscuits who are both people that have made my life a brighter place!

okay so i cried writing this and i cried HARD

bottom line nonie? this question is so loaded it took me three hours to write an answer and a stupid amount of words that no one will read all the way through

i cant put it into words but this website is one of the best things that ever happened to me and i cant imagine life without it

#this was for the honesty hour and i dont think nonie wanted this much honesty akjfsdhasd #asks #anon #important #wholesome

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seijch · 3 years

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ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER

omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):

the reason(s) i was gone for so long

what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)

the status of those um . halloween requests

the future of this account

i. so . Hiatus .

i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.

a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)

tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr

ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall

when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)

at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼

media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa

tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now

iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right

i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:

there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍‍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...

i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍‍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.

regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).

tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.

iv. so what now?

well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list

and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)

as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.

ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍‍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......

and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.

tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)

the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:

im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.

there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.

regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝

love, ari 💌

#did i have an announcement tag #announcement #also regarding work hsjkdfsd the company i work for didnt give my location the opening for the full time position i wanted #my managers all agree id be promoted if we had it but we dont so i . hee .#anyway um i hope everyones doing well #some of my moots changed urls while i was away and now i have no idea who anyone is #its like when you see your familys friends and theyre like omg youre so big now! i remember when you were a baby and youre like 🧍‍♂️#and you have to play along bc apparently they remember you hskdfsd #im not very funny in this post but i figured id rather be honest considering my lengthy absence #consider this my comeback stage

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delfinodreams · 3 years

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OKAY i said i would make a post about my thoughts on paper mario a while ago and im finally writing it out

ill put it under a break because its probably gonna be long-ish

update: yea this bitch is LONG

okay so overall i really really enjoyed it!! it was really solid for the first entry in the series and i could definitely see the inspiration that ttyd later took from it. one thing that i didnt know about was partners not having HP, which threw me for a little bit of a loop. partners as a whole in this game don't play as active of a role as i wouldve expected because they have so little lines but using them in battle is still very fun! another small thing but i also hadn't expected mario to be completely silent, but it later grew on me!

i'm also gonna list my experiences and opinions on each chapter so here we go!!

chapter 1 - pretty alright for an introductory chapter! i didnt find anything especially notable, apart from getting 2 partners in one chapter. navigating the koopa bros. fortress was fun, and i loved the battle at the end!! their theme is SUCH a banger i had to sit back and listen to it for a bit when the fight actually started ehe

chapter 2 - not quite a fan of this one imo? i liked the first part through the mountain, but the trek though dry dry desert kinda took it out of me. BUT the addition of my favourite partner made up for it! parakarry my beloved <3 also the cutscene where dry dry ruins rise up??? that shit was SPECTACULAR. i absolutely loved how it turned dark when it first came up, i wish it stayed like that for more than just until you entered the ruins. the boss itself wasn't too exciting for me, probably because there wasnt much of a story?? i dont know how to describe it. actually its like that for quite a few of these bosses, but its the first entry for this series, so i wont fault it too much.

chapter 3 - this might be my FAVOURITE chapter- the suspense buildup throughout the entire chapter was AMAZING holy moly!!! first through the forever forest when you have bootler ask for you, and then wandering the mansion itself. i TOTALLY thought that boos were gonna be actual enemies when i saw them floating around. sneaking around tubba blubba's castle was so so fun to do, and i legitimately panicked when you ran into him in the hall and also when he wakes up and chases you back to the windmill. i didnt actually think the heart itself was the boss, just a miniboss, so i freaked out when i left the windmill and was immediately thrown into a battle with tubba blubba. i cannot express just how much i enjoyed this chapter, seriously!!

chapter 4 - coming back to toad town with the music change threw me for a bit; i wasnt expecting action to pop up so soon! figuring out that you could actually go into the toybox was such a "wait, what??" moment for me, but like, in a positive way. it was really cool to navigate this chapter and the lantern ghost encounter genuinely creeped me out at first because it was COMPLETELY dark. the fight against general guy is also a BANGER i could listen to it all day

chapter 5 - man i LOVE the whale. just a big guy willing to take u across the ocean :^) i really appreciated how you weren't stranded on the island too, like how you were on keelhaul key in ttyd. the ravens are also funky little guys, love them too. again, the lava piranha didnt really have any substance to it BUT it was a nice fight nonetheless! when it popped up again i was shocked but i made it through!! also fuck kolorado he doesnt deserve his wife

chapter 6 - this one's formatting is really neat- one central area with lots of branching paths, which i hadnt seen in my past pm experiences! i loved the quest leading up to the big beanstalk, plus the environment was so pretty!! the little part with the sun tower popped out to me, i'm not sure why though. maybe it was the music, it was so different from the flower fields theme. at first i had actually expected to go up to the clouds earlier, maybe like midway through the chapter. i thought that would be the "dungeon" of this part, so i was a little bit let down when i realized that the fields were the majority. however, the bit of the clouds we do see is SO good i LOVE the atmosphere!! huff n puff was actually relatively easy, using parakarry and lakilester for their all-around attacks. the guitars were a nice touch for his theme as well!

chapter 7 - oh dude i LOVED this chapter. i didnt know what i was expecting when i first went into the pipe in the sewers, whether it would put me into a village immediately or if i would have to make it through some screens before. needless to say, i was relieved when it popped me out into shiver city. the whole place felt "warm" which was really nice!! i was comparing it to ttyd's chapter 7 and fahr outpost which i didn't really vibe with, so it was a nice change! the whole murder plot was also unexpected but i enjoyed the whole "whodunnit" mystery! omg as im typing this i realize just how many aspects of this chapter i love this is gonna be long,, the entire snowy atmosphere is just so PRETTY and starborn valley felt so solitary to the rest of the land, like its own little bubble. i also had no idea that ninjis were in this game so when i saw one at merlon's i was like HUH?? anyways the way up the mountain to the crystal palace kept me on my toes; i thought that was the dungeon at first! the small bit where you see madam merlar and she tells you the story of the palace really got to me i have no idea why. the music and mysticality of it all was just SO good. dont even get me started on the crystal palace itself HOLY MOLY. the whole reflection bit was SO SO clever and the moment you realize its NOt actually a mirror?? fucking magnificent. this has to be my favourite dungeon in the whole game because it has such a NEAT gimmick!! it also has my favourite mario enemies, duplighosts! FUCK the crystal king though. he stunlocked me with his freezing move because i could not get the hang of blocking it. my partners really carried me for that battle; thank god for quick change

chapter 8 - THIS CHAPTER DELIVERED. the buildup for the entire game leading to this point. OUTSTANDING. i had to sit back and admire star haven because its so pretty- did i mention i love the water graphics in this game?? it has a pixelly look but it works SO WELL. going to the ship to take you to bowser's castle really felt like a "this is it" moment. the entirety of bowser's castle was So Good, it kept me on my toes the entire time!! slowly advancing as the music got more intense REALLY pumped me up. tracks that start off with only a couple instruments and eventually add more as you progress is one way to make me go BONKERS. the one bit where you make your way outside on the bridge and the music dials down and then you re-enter on the other side to it SLAMMING you in the face- that was Great. and then the complete silence as you get outside peach's castle HOLY SHIT. and then you actually enter the palace and the music is SO EERIE and youre like OH SHIT THIS IS REALLY IT. seriously, the buildup for this entire castle is done SO magnificently. i hadn't expected to fight bowser twice, i guess it was the game's way of letting u level up One Last Time before u got to the big bad. that being said, i wasn't too worried on getting a game over since i was fucking stacked on items. but that's besides the point- the fight itself got my heart POUNDING. the effects for the star rod and the star's powers were really nice to see in action, and the little section with peach and twink was so cool! i was expecting a little interlude where you would get your stats maxed out because thats how its like in every pm game, but it was still moving :)) bowser's final battle theme fucking SLAPS. the guitar especially sounds AMAZING. you really see him as a threat here and its so badass. his healing move fucked me over multiple times- i probably ended up having to deal with double his base HP over the course of the fight.

after the fight was over and you got to see peach's castle float down with the soft music in the background, it really hit me that its done, its over. again, the effects in this game are so pretty and theyre utilized SO well for the n64. visiting toad town one last time with all the npcs was a really nice touch- for some reason i really loved being able to interact with vanna t. (chuck quizmo's toad assistant) she's ADORABLE and i will probably end up drawing her sometime :)) the credits were also something that i really enjoyed- i LOVE the ongoing theme of parades at the end. seeing everything and everyone in the game condensed into a short 8 minutes really got me, i cant remember but im pretty sure i was smiling the whole time! and a small sidenote- TOADS WITH GLOWING SPOTS ON THEIR HEAD HELLO?????? I WANNA DRAW THAT SO BAD.

the ending screen with peach and mario looking at the fireworks made me really soft and i teared up a little because i was finally finished. the addition of pop diva's solo in the track was also so touching, it was my favourite sidequest in the game so hearing it again brought up Emotions :')

one thing i wasnt sure of was if there was a post-game mode and my completionist heart was disappointed a little when i found out i couldn't advance from the end screen and was forced to reset. although not many games from this era had post-game content so i cant dock too many points for that.

the paper mario series has a fond place in my heart, and finally being able to play the game that started it all really was a special experience. it really cemented my love for the original formula and i could see many places where ttyd took inspiration from. this game really is fun, and i would highly recommend playing it yourself if you have the means!

#i just finished typing this out #i did not mean for it to get this long omg #i just have Many Thoughts #and you guys get to deal with them #i just checked and this is nearly 2K WORDS HELLO??????#paper mario #paper mario 64 #dreamy convos

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alienbrainwave · 3 years

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7, 9, 22

thank you so much for sending these!!!! my answers are pretty long but i really appreciate you giving me the opportunity to ramble!!!

7) was misa just as guilty as light?

yes, of course she is. i cant imagine anyone saying she isnt, but i would love to hear that argument. I can imagine they would say shes not as guilty because she was being manipulated by Light, which would be a valid point if not for the fact that she killed people before she met Light in order to get his attention, and willingly said she would be his eyes without being prompted, pressured, or coerced. she knew what she was getting into, told light she wanted him to use her, and she definitely knows right from wrong. i dont think she was ignorant to any part of the whole thing, shes a lot smarter than she lets on with her childish behavior. i think she knew everytime light was “manipulating” her, its not that she didnt realize, its that she didnt care. so i wouldnt even call that manipulating her because i think she was fully aware of that aspect.

9) what would you do with a death note?

honestly? ok so. this is really boring but i dont think i would use it. because its not my place to decide if someone lives or dies. But even if you want to say that im only saying it because its the morally correct answer (like light said in the beginning), then here is a more selfish reason. I would read the “any human who uses the death note will not go to heaven or hell” rule and be like “nope”. Im not a religious person at all so i dont believe in heaven or hell in THIS universe, but that kind of confirms in the universe in which a death note exists, that heaven and hell ALSO exist. Im already terrified of the great nothing after death so if i knew heaven and hell existed for sure i would not even chance it. Also like that once post said about writing the names of the 100 wealthiest people in the world in the notebook... yeah i thought about that but im like.... how would that help? what would happen to their money if they were to keel over? would probably go to people they know/ are related to and just make another wealthiest 100. I mean i thought maybe about manipulating their actions pre death so they donate all their money to charities etc etc but theres the one rule where you cannot make a person do something that they wouldnt feasibly do/ know on their own. so i dont think it would work.

22) which moment was the most painful to watch?

OK bear with me. Lights death. I will preface this by saying Light is my favorite character BUT. Not in the way of like, thinking he was right or that he shouldnt have died etc etc. Light was irredeemably evil once he got possession of the notebook.... but seeing the scene where he walks past his younger self, and then when he finally dies.... oof. I cried. Thinking about how he was only 23/24, thinking about how IM 23/24 so its not like.... like when i watched death note when i was younger light seemed like an adult. but now that im his age (older than him when he first got the note) its like. he was a kid. i couldnt help but think that like..... yes.... light made his own bed, he chose to do everything that led to this... but also without the death note he was just 17 year old. and we see in the yotsuba arc when he didnt have memories that he was a pretty good kid. I couldnt help but feel like.... ryuk ruined his life by dropping the death note out of boredom. AGAIN i know its lights own fault because he didnt have to act the way he did, but i think that absolute power corrupts absolutely. IDK. he was just an idealistic 17 year old. what he did was wrong, and seeing him face consequences for his actions was good.... but i couldnt imagine what he could have done with his life if the death note hadnt gone to him.

#dn #thank you for the ask!!

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5-falsehoods-phonated · 4 years

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So tumblr ate the ask of course, but @multi-fandom-remy (I hope this was you that requested this my memory is not good and if it wasnt I'm sorry) sent a fic request where Janus has alexithymia and Remy falls for him regardless. Gonna just post it this way, suck it hell site!

I had to do some research for this as I dont know anyone who has this and I dont personally experience it. I tried to write it as accurately and respectfully as possible but please let me know if you feel I wrote it wrong or in a way that's offensive.

Three Times Janus Didn't Understand and The One Time Remy Did

Summary: Janus has alexithymia and doesnt understand what hes falling for; Remy is perfectly content to teach him.

Warnings: none really. Just not understanding ones own emotions. Ts spoilers if you havent watched the most recent Sanders Sides episode

Ship: Remy (sleep) x Janus (Deciet)

WC: 1, 505

Remy's head snapped up as the bell above the door chimed loudly, letting in a rather peculiar character. Dressed in black save for bright yellow gloves, their long trench coat swept around their ankles as they turned to make sure the door was shut. Truly curious now, Remy leaned forward eagerly, excitement thankfully hidden by his dark sunglasses.

The glasses did little to hide his reddening cheeks however as the newcomer swept off his hat and turned fully to face the cashier.

Oh. Remy leaned forward casually trying to hide the flood of oh-I-am-most-definitely-gay panic rising up through his chest. Sharp eyes breifly met his before darting back down as they made their ways towards the counter. Thanking every god that could possibly be real that the shop was empty at this time of day, he smiled easily as they came to a stop in front of the counter.

"Morning coffee. What babe will it be?"

The stranger snapped their head up in confusion, giving Remy only a split second to retain that their eyes were very pretty, one a pale brown and the other almost gold before his brain caught up with what his mouth had just uttered. Red cheeks reddening even further he closed his eyes and mentally slapped himself over the head with an industrial bag of coffee grounds.

Opening his eyes once again, he chuckled. "You'll find me dont discriminate here. We got flat white, Irish cream, long black." He cupped his cheek and smirked. "Or maybe you're the shy, straight vanilla kind of guy?"

The stranger, to his credit, was unimpressed, almost making Remy pout if it weren't for the fact he was still trying to scrape his pride up off the ground. "A mocha with five espresso shots please."

Whistling low, he turned to complete the order. "I'm assuming to go?"

"Yes."

"Late night?" He grabbed a cup and fiddled with the machine a bit, turning to grab the pump for the espresso as it began to run.

"In a sense."

Snorting, Remy turned to look again at the stranger. Through his obvious good looks there were eye bags that could rival his room mates', slumped posture and rather ratty shoes completing the picture for him. "I always hated college exams. Theres never enough time to cram."

"We've all bean there."

Pausing in applying the lid to the cup, Remy smirked and turned. "Did you just-?"

Seeming uncomfortable, the stranger shrugged, taking the drink and handing over the money. Offering a quiet thank you they left quickly, coat flying out like a cape behind them.

---------

Janus shoved his hands deeper in his pockets on the way to his favorite coffee shop. He had only been going there for a week now, but the coffee was amazing, and the cashier/coffee maker was...interesting. Janus' cheeks still burned in what he now realized was second hand embarrassment at the way the other had flirted? with him the first day. Patton said he had been flirting so he'd have to trust his friend knew what he was talking about. His stomach gave another uncomfortable flip as the shop came into view, making him grit his teeth in annoyance. Everytime he came here the same thing happened with his intestines, like they were too tight and too loose at the same time, flipping his stomach around in a way that felt like the flu...but better? Regardless it hadnt started until he had begun coming to the little shop and Janus was determined to pinpoint the cause. That was why he kept coming back.

No other reason.

His stomach flipped again as he shoved the door open, grimacing as he made up his mind to buy some kind of pastry with his usual coffee to try to quiet down what he was now going to assume were hunger pangs. This early in the morning the shop was blessedly empty, allowing him and the cashier to have their odd conversations in relative peace.

"Morning babes!"

He glanced up and tried for a smile, letting the odd movement drop after only a couple seconds. Remy smiled and smirked enough for the both of them anyway.

He made his way up to the counter, startling as a to-go cup was pushed his way.

"Regulars get the Remy special. Their usual cup of hot coffee ready before they even come through the door." He winked as he leaned against the counter, hitting Janus with the realization that the man had apparently forgone his sunglasses for the day. Deep brown eyes stared back at him before he broke eye contact, snapping his gaze to the cup in front of him.

"I'd like a muffin with it today as well, if you would."

"Sure. What kind?"

Janus looked up hopefully. "Banana nut?"

Remy bit back a laugh, muttering 'nut' under his breath while retrieving the requested pastry. Rolling his eyes Janus dug out the cash; he was learning Remy was fond of unintentional innuendos, Patton pointing out that that had been what he was insinuating in their first meeting. He tried for a polite smile again as he grabbed his items after paying, stomach going it's odd flip again as the other man smiled back.

Maybe it was the air.

------

Remy perked up as the door chimed, smiling as his favorite regular made his way through the door right before closing time. He had somehow gotten the rather shy man to agree to a date (an outing the other had insisted) taking place after his shift had ended. He seemed tense and Remy was determined to take his mind off whatever it was that kept his shoulders up and head down. He grabbed up his sunglasses as he hopped over the counter, earning a confused smirk for his effort. Smiling easily, he readjusted his bag and whipped out the store key to swing around his finger.

"Ready to go, tall, dark and snarky?"

The man merely ducked his head and shoved his hands further in his pockets, strolling quickly out the door for Remy to follow.

"So I realized we're going on this date-"

"Outing."

"Alright babes. So we're going out and I still don't know what to call you?"

The man stared blankly. "You call me things all the time?"

Sighing in exasperation as the Prompt went completely over the man's head he gestured them forward. "I meant your name hon."

"Oh! My name is Janus."

Tilting his head in surprise, Remy regarded him for a moment. "Janus. I like it. Really suits your aesthetic."

Janus seemed unsure of how to respond, scuffing his toes along the sidewalk rhythmically. "My aesthetic?"

"Yeah. Janus is a Roman god right? I can see it."

Offering up a blank look, the other man pursed his lips in thought. "No one...well usually people say that Janus is...an odd name."

Remy shrugged. "I took some course or other in high school that taught about ancient gods or whatever. People are bitches."

Moving away slightly, Janus nodded. "Undoubtably."

-----

Alexithymia.

Janus watched as everything seemed to click into place for his companion. This was always the tipping point in every relationship, friend or otherwise. Patton had been the only exception thus far that accepted the fact that Janus was a lost cause when it came to emotions.

No, that wasnt fair to himself. There was nothing wrong with him, he knew that. It was only the fact that he couldn't understand the emotions being processed. He knew he had them, he just could never quite pinpoint which ones, at any given time and what the reasons for them were. Sure it made socializing difficult, people often labeling him as awkward or withdrawn in any given situation; when in reality he just was rarely given enough time to try and pinpoint what one emotion was before being put in a situation where a different response was needed. It was honestly exhausting.

He bit his lip as he looked back over to Remy, seeing that same smile he always gave him that made his stomach flip every time. He tried offering one of his awkward smiles, feeling that that was the most appropriate for the situation.

Remy softened as he took off his glasses, turning to face him fully. "You dont have to do that around me, it's okay. Just be yourself, and tell me if and when you get uncomfortable yeah?"

Janus' eyes filled with tears as he twisted his fingers in his jeans. An intense wave of emotions came over him, making him choke slightly as he tried in vain to process everything. He felt Remy take his hands gently and squeeze them, tugging slightly as he unconsciously leaned towards the other.

Just two people sitting on a park bench in the late evening, with about 15 shots of espresso between them holding each other with a confused understanding. Janjs smiled, a very tiny one, but the first genuine one in a long time.

Despite everything, he had Remy. He knew he'd be okay.

This work is also available on AO3!

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #sanders sides fic #remy sanders #remy sleep #deciet sanders #janus sanders #alexithymia

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of-faunsandyellowflowers · 3 years

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I saw in your tags that you've had a tar spirit attached to you in the past? I've never heard of tar spirits before and I'd love to learn a bit about them if you wouldn't mind sharing a bit of info? Also, what was it like? How did you know? Sorry, I'm just super curious :)

@scarletarosa has a really good post that details what tar spirits are that will go into more into depth then I ever could personally. She also has more work with them and getting rid of them and other icky spirits that attach. They are one of the main reasons you need to always ward your room when working with spirits because they are tricksters and can mimick beings that you had intentions of talking to. Their whole purpose is to get you to breed with them, and feed off your negative thoughts/fear...so forth.

But my personal experience....I was actually coming out of being wiccan. I had been wiccan for a bit and realized it wasnt for me, I just didn't like how they set up things alongside how they classified gods. I also do not believe 'light' magic is the only form of magic. You iust....perform magick. Some with a positive intent and others without that. Questioning ones faith is a big thing for them to come cling onto you. I had always been lack on wards then, because I was 4eally questioning things and moving towards satanism instead. Anyway my mental health hadnt been too good. I've always been clairvoyant and able to see spirit (when I'm not blocked off) and started to see a black misty spirit near me. It started out small. The place I worked at was known to have a haunting there, so I assumed it was that. It....was not. The spirit at the market wasnt malevolent. It woildnt ever harm me. This was def different.

Over the next few weeks it made me have more meltdowns (autism), panic attacks so bad that even ativan couldnt help, it was...awful. legit awful. The dark thoughts in my head, the lack of energy even worse than my chronic illness, the panic attacks increasing to such a state that I'd black out at work....and I knew it wasnt my mental health because it felt different. Id hear it laugh at me at times. It made me think it was a demon at one point (again. It wasnt, as demons really sont have time to be attaching to me like that. The majority arent evil) Eventually it got so bad it was causing me to become sicker physically. I developed a raging sinus infection. Like....one where I had to have surgery to get it fixed bad. Polyps were in my airway, holes in my airway. I was so clogged up the doc said i was the worst case hed seen in a while. I even had STAPH infection in my NOSE. And thats what caused the holes in my airway. My IBS was worse, migraines worse, my hearing worse....I could hear voices echo into my head if someone spoke to me. It was reallt scary. Edit: I even felt when it touched me. Which was a very weird sensation like a sticky substance touching me then spreading on me.

It kept taunting me after my surgery cuz I was weaker, and I started to see that black drippy thing more and more. It moved closer, I could make out some details of a 'face', I started to hear it more in my head placing negative thoughts, wanting me to do really bad things. (Ps I am not schizophrenic. I dont have any mental Illness that causes me to hear voices. I simply am clairvoyant and these beings are powerful once they attach. Plus, once I killed it i never heard those voices ever again. Schizophrenia is also very personal to me as I have friends who are schizophrenic and they deserve all the love in the world!) And I knew I had to get rid of it. I still had that sense... so, I used all my energy every night to get it unattached to me. I warded my rooms, I warded myself. I did protection spells on myself, cleansing spells on myself, I did so many different things. Even ones where I would write sigils all on my walls and burn salt. In the end my close friend had to help me kill it off because I couldnt do it alone. It needed to be burned from the other side And when it was dead, I cleansed, and I felt lighter. No more insanity, just felt clearer.

I'll always have mental illness, PTSD, major anxiety, depression, all that. I'll always have autism and adhd. But THAT my friends....wasnt just my head. Someone felt my weakness and fed off of it. Their intentions to breed out more of them. I'm just lucky it didnt get to THAT point. It was close to it though.

I've also seen tar spirits attached to people. They look like this...black blob that moves on shape (can mimic a person) and it drips black substance. We call it tar spirits cuz they literally smell like tar, and look like tar. They feel like a suffocating presence of dark dark energy, like if someone dipped you in tar and it woildnt dry... I've seen one attached to a dude who had no light in his eyes in a walmart once. The tar spirit knew that I knew. The energy surrounding it was incredibly malevolent and he wanted this guy to kill. I could feel it. And it stared af me. I stared at it. It even hissed at me. I clenched my protective amulet and left the store. Went to another walmart.

Tar spirits are evil evil evil spirits. But again, def go to @scarletarosa page and search in her tags tar spirit. She can give you a better description than me alongside the other really shitty beings that can attach themselves to you and make your life AWFUL. Im knowledgable about spirits in general but not to her extent. Shes actually someone I look up to, as a person and as a witch. Shes amazing!

Hope that answered your question...thanks for asking it!.

#tar spirit #evil spirit #spirit attachment #banishing spirit

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chaoskatya · 4 years

Text

unfinished brooke x katya hatefuck fic

hi yall :^) so ive had this sitting in my drafts for a WHILE and ive barely dented the actual planned plot but still i felt like it was kind of a waste of what i did write to not ?? idk do something with it? this was originally written for AQ’s rarepair event but irl stuff got in the way so it never got finished, and i kinda lost the inspo to finish it (for now? idk) so here it is, posted unedited in however it was when i last touched it

brooke x katya hatefuck, (well, planned, i obv hadnt written that far) inspired by pics of trixie and brooke together that one time they were weirdly hanging out a lot irl and that one outfit brooke has that looks like that one outfit katya has the polkadot one u know it

“Ugh, I swear, Vi! She really has something against me! I think she hates me!”

Katya punctuates her sentence with a flail of her arms for emphasis before flopping back onto her bed. Violet just rolls her eyes at her roommate’s dramatics, as per usual. This is the third time they’ve had this conversation this week.

“So she’s a little icy, what of it? It’s not like you’re not used to having a mega bitch around, you live with me,” Violet responds plainly, not even bothering to look up from her laptop, “and I don’t think anybody could hate you, Kat.”

Katya huffs at that. “No, I swear, she hates me.”

Katya Zamolodchikova is absolutely sure of three things in her university life: One, Trixie Mattel is her best friend. Two, nothing gets in between her and Trixie. Three, Brooke Lynn Hytes is absolutely making her best fucking attempt.

Katya and Trixie had met last year, Katya being a sophomore in visual arts and Trixie a freshman in musical theater, when Katya had accidentally crashed Ginger’s (kind of pathetic) attempt at being a tour guide for the freshmen of her course. They’ve only known each other for a year, but ever since then the two quickly became inseparable and a year had felt like a lifetime. All of their friends knew, and Katya held it close to her heart, that nothing could possibly stand in their way. That is, until the beginning of this semester.

Trixie had been elected as class representative at the start of their sophomore year, which did not surprise Katya one bit. But that meant that when Canadian exchange student Brooke Lynn Hytes had arrived for the semester, it was Trixie’s job to show her around and make her feel welcomed. And being that Brooke’s degree in classical dance meant her and Trixie had quite a few overlapping classes, the two hit it off and had gotten closer and closer since. It’s only half way through the semester, yet Katya feels as though she’s slowly becoming more and more of a background character in Trixie’s life. They still text each other when they can, but hangout times have slowly grown increasingly thin and so has Katya’s sanity. Not that it’s Trixie’s fault, of course…

“I can’t explain it. But I promise, it’s almost like she’s purposefully occupying Trixie from me! Every time it looks like we might get a chance to even just talk, she’s there coming round the corner asking Trixie for help in one of their classes or for show recs or whatever. And she always looks me dead in the eye, with her stupid fucking smirk, like she knows what she just did! I can’t explain the feeling I get when I see her!”

Katya’s hit full ranting steam now, half hanging off her bed still flailing as animated as ever.

Violet shuts her laptop and turns to face her. “Mama, sounds like you hate her. Sure it’s not just in your head because you’re jealous the amazon’s occupying your barbie?”

There’s a beat of silence. “Jealous? I guess?” Katya scrunches up her face and sits up. “I mean, how could I not be? With her stupid long legs and her flowing blonde hair, like god, Vi, she’s practically perfect! And have you seen her dance?”

Katya turns to pose her question, but Violet is just staring, giving her a look she can’t decipher. She continues,

“So then, fine, of course I’m jealous, but that’s because Trix is my best friend. I barely see her anymore, and when I do she’s always there and I just get so riled up! And I’m sure Trix has started to notice because god I just can’t stand it when she’s near, it just sets me alight in an awful way. I’ve never felt this way about anybody before!” And it’s true, Katya really does not think of herself as someone capable of fully hating someone else. But by god, is Brooke really testing that.

Violet scoffs, turning away to open her laptop once more. “Look Mary, all I gotta say is that that’s an awful lot of emotion for some best friend jealousy. Also, you have a lecture starting in ten minutes.”

Fuck! Katya checks her watch and immediately jumps up to scramble for her belongings, deeply thankful for her roommate’s type A tendencies yet internally chastising herself for allowing her ranting to consume her time like that. She quickly kisses Violet on the cheek and bids her farewell before putting on her boots and heading out of their dorm room to make her best effort to speed walk to class.

But as luck would have it, not that Katya has a lot of it, she quite literally walks right into the subject of their prior conversation. Well, speak of the devils…

“Oh! Trixie, hi!” Katya laughs, immediately reacting to steady Trixie from where Katya had almost knocked her over with the door. From the way she was standing, she figured she had opened the door just as Trixie was about knock.

“Katya! Thank god, I was worried you wouldn’t be in,” Trixie smiles back brightly, smoothing her fluffy golden hair back into place. (Not that it’s ever really out of place, Katya thinks to herself.)

Katya smiles at her, a sight for sore eyes she thinks, but when she realizes Brooke is standing at the end of the hall waiting for Trixie, her smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes. Whether Trixie noticed Katya’s tension or not, she didn’t let on. At least Brooke had the decency to wait at a reasonable distance.

“Uh, yeah, I was just heading out though,” Katya replies, trying her best to look sympathetic. She doesn’t mind that she’s running late anymore, just feels bad she even has to go. “But did you need something?”

Trixie looks equally as sympathetic. “Yeah, uh, listen, I’m really sorry. I know we haven’t been able to hang recently and I’m really sorry for that, midterms and all…”

“Hey, it’s alright, I knew you were busy. It’s no problem, really.” That’s a lie.

“But now that it’s over, let’s celebrate! Let me make it up to you? Be my date to the Edwards party tonight?”

Katya’s smile softens. As much as she was planning to trade in the party for a well-deserved movie night in with Violet and Pearl, she finds she really can’t say no to Trixie, especially not when she’s looking at her like an apologetic puppy. Whipped.

“Down for anything with you, Barbie. Meet you at the dorm hall at 8?”

Trixie squeals and picks Katya up by the middle, “AAAAAAAH yes!! See you bitch!!”

Katya squirms violently to be put down but laughs it off anyway. She really can’t be too mad at her best friend.

“Anyway, I gotta run, see you later Trix!” She rushes to hug Trixie quickly once more before escaping as briskly yet casually as she can out the door. This fails her when all semblance of casualty is lost as she passes the point where Brooke is, all tall and blonde and beautiful even just standing around. As she passes, her gaze quite obviously steels ahead to avoid looking Brooke in the eye, but she can’t fail to catch the quite obvious smug smirk the Canadian has posed on her painted lips.

----

Katya managed to make it to class with only 5 minutes late, thankfully just as her professor was entering the other door. She plops down into her usual seat with an audible groan and immediately drops her head in her hands.

Brooke. Stupid fucking Brooke Lynn Hytes. Lately, Katya’s wandering thoughts always go back to her. There hasn’t been a time where her idle time hasn’t been haunted by a certain ballerina chipping away at her precious concentration. She sees perfect long blonde hair, icy blue eyes, and tone legs that go all the way up.

If she’s being completely honest with herself, she is just a bit jealous of Brooke but not for the reasons Violet insinuates. I mean, sure, she misses Trixie to bits. But that’s only one of the many straws on the camel that is Katya’s completely rational anger.

It’s not that she’s perfect, either, but that sure adds another straw. Seemingly introverted, but able to capture the hearts of anyone in her path through quick and honest charm. Graceful and poised, where Katya is not, and tall and curvy, where Katya is not. Katya really doesn’t understand how someone can attend 7am dance classes with a flawless mug and still leave rehearsals with not an eyelash out of place, it’s inhuman.

No, it’s that no matter how much others testify on her behalf, Katya does not understand it. She doesn’t know what she did, but she has somehow done something to aggravate Brooke against her, and it bothers her endlessly that she doesn’t even know what she did to incur such spite. Katya doesn’t see any of the charm or kindness that others profess, only smug smirks and cocky passive-aggressive jabs and a seemingly passionate desire to find any way she can to poke Katya’s buttons and prompt some kind of response. She’s lucky Katya has a lot more self control than most, and she’s restrained herself from biting back thus far.

She thinks back to the first time she spotted Brooke, on the first day of the semester when Katya had gotten bored and decided to drop in on Trixie’s representative duties despite explicit instructions not to intrude. She had found her in one of the gardens of the student commons, and instinctively made her way to run up and tackle her before realizing Trixie wasn’t alone and stopping dead in her tracks.

Trixie was sitting next to someone Katya didn’t recognize, which was a surprise in itself because Katya knew next to everybody personally in their modestly sized arts college. The girl was sitting next to Trixie on a bench, both hands holding one of Trixie’s own as Trixie appeared to animatedly be telling some story. Trixie then finally noticed Katya frozen standing awkwardly at some distance and paused in the middle of her speech to yell at Katya and becon her over.

“Katya! This is Brooke Lynn, a Canadian exchange student for the semester. Brooke, this is Katya, my best friend!”

Brooke lazily shifted her gaze from Trixie to give Katya the once over, glancing her up and down. Whatever she saw, she suddenly stood up and crowded into Katya’s space, gazing down at her intensely directly from the advantage their clear height difference gave her.

“Well, it’s certainly nice to meet you… Katya.”

And on her lips, the same painted red smirk. The same stupid smirk that would continuously haunt her until…

“Kat, you with us girl?” Hissed Pearl in her ear, jabbing her hard in the side.

#brooke lynn hytes #katya zamolodchikova #rpdr rpf #rpdr fanfic #brooke x katya #THE WHOLE PLOT WAS LIKE DONE i just lost the inspo to finish the thing #so idk i just felt weirdly compelled to like. post it #idk itll ease my guilt maybe for not finishing it #cat writes #cat.txt #my fics #wips

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revol-lover · 4 years

Text

dreams don’t end at “30″

so i just had a little breakthrough and maybe this wont sound like anything to anyone else but i just have to share it

so i’ve talked about this before. about how my friend and i were both planning these personal development like goals for this year that covid got in the way of. and he said something, about how this is his last year in his 20s and he wanted to get some goals accomplished before 30

and i thought about that and realized something.

i have been feeling similarly about a few goals that i’ve been hanging onto for years and years. like i’m going to be honest with you, some people might remember this if you’ve been around here for a long time but probably not. anyway when i was in high school i really wanted to make music, sing, learn an instrument. and i did make some covers that i posted on myspace (showing my age here lol) and youtube but then i kind of gave up on it when

1) became 18 and realized my dream to go to NYC and pursue music when i was 18 wasn’t happening because of a million reasons (it was very much a pipe dream, right? i mean you can’t have that dream and not prepare for it and i didnt. also i was too scared at the time to even move out to my own place if i had the funds to do so because my parents wouldnt have really approved and i was still so under their thumb)

2) broke up with my musician boyfriend. which needed to happen. but he was the only person super passionate about that kind of goal at the time around me (till he ran lol) and he actually is still doing music now so good for him but basically

because of those 2 reasons i just let go of that dream all together as something i thought i wanted to do but was “unrealistic”.

but the thing about turning 30 and feelings like you needed to achieve all these personal/dreamy/goals in your 20s. what is that bullshit? why?

what changes when you cross over to 30? i’ll tell you one thing. media pushes movies, books, films, everything about people chasing their dreams in their 20s and “settling” down in their 30s. where’s my inspiring movie about the 32 year old mom who finally wrote a song and performed it live after being terrified her whole life of doing so?

think about it though

in your 30s you. *might* have a better paying job than you did in your 20s. which means, if you can manage to find time or a way for it, you *might* be able to save a little more money or afford to do something like, buy that guitar and guitar lessons in order to learn to play and write a song and live out your dream in some way, even if its just learning to play so you can play at an open mic. and maybe you’ll like that and you’ll somehow connect with likeminded people and form a band. idk. your dreams dont have to end in your 20s.

you dont have to fall into the trap of your 20s are for your dreams that are so big you feel like the chance of achieving them is getting struck by lightening

and then your 30s are for fancy adult goals like buying a house, and going on a $10k vacation and those things are probably just as hard as the goals you had in your 20s but the world wont make you see it that way. its seen as “selfish” to prioritize and budget for your artistic goals - but not a house. no that’s responsible and what you “should” do. but its ok to prioritize something that’s going to give your soul fulfillment too! we need to believe that! because it’s true. we are not here just to work our jobs and live mundane colorless lives once we aren’t considered “young” anymore (but 30s are still young. not what i’m saying)

you’re always going to be chasing something big and if you let the world control what that thing is you’re always going to be on some rat race.

it’s fine if you achieve your goals in a different order than the world says you were supposed to. i got married young and had a child young, that was how my life played out and i’m happy with that because, yes, finding love and becoming a mother very much were goals of mine.

yes i dropped out of college because i couldn’t afford it and i couldnt find a major that felt worth being in debt for. and also, because hey guess what? contrary to what a lot of people will try to lead you to believe, college is not for everyone. and college does not = success. college drop out does not = failure. it’s just an option of something you could do with your life. AND if you didn’t go to your college in your 20s it doesnt mean you can’t in your 30s. or 50s. hell my husband, who did go to college saw elderly (think, 80s!) people going to his college as students! college isn’t just for 18 year olds fresh out of high school.

My 27th birthday is in 2 weeks and no, i have not yet to worked up the courage to write an original song from words to music, or have the courage to get on a stage and sing anything, or talk to a stranger, or publish any of my writing or art, goals i’ve had whirling around in my brain since I was 18, but, it’s going to happen. maybe this year. maybe when i’m 35, but it’s going to happen. a number is not going to be the thing holding me back.

that whole mentality of “my youth is slipping away i need to achieve all these dreams before midnight the day of my 30th birthday” is so stupid and flawed and we all deserve to see ourselves, and our individual potential as more than that.

last part of this rant - one of the reason i even became so passionate about reignighting some of my dusty, old goals, that it turned out, i still cared about, is because i had a moment where i was like

ok i am a mom. i am someones mom. how will my daughter see me, as a person, not just her mom?

kevin and i always talk about how between the two of us we’ve both had a lot of quintessential young adult experiences that we look forward to sharing with her. like, quitting jobs, getting in car accidents, that one time i unknowingly participated in an illegal bonfire and ran from the cops then lied straight to their faces and somehow got away with it (literally my ONE act of teen rebellion), changing college majors like 3 years in (kevin), failed classes, tried cigarettes, etc like i’m ready, and hope that one day she will feel comfortable talking to us about things because we’ve been through things and have a lot of input and two different perspectives to offer

but further than that, i realized that i want her to know that her mom is a person too. i want her to know that mom is also passionate about writing, and music, and somehow tackled some of her goals in regards to that so that SHE can feel that SHE, too can do those things. and i know that, that is in part how it works

because,

my dad IS an artist. my dad IS a musician. yall. my dad is SO talented. my dad is brilliant. besides his artistic abilities which include, drawing literal realistic as fuck portraits, sculpting, painting, playing guitar, bass, piano, mandolin, he also knows music composition, etc etc etc beyond all of that, he also taught himself fucking PLUMBING and ELECTRICIAN SHIT to fix things in our house growing up. like he bought a book. and taught himself. my dad. i grew up thinking that was normal but i realized not everyones dad can just tear down the bathroom and rebuild it from scratch down to the plumbing without being a licensed professional.

but anyway the point is - as talented as my dad is, he doesnt really pursue his artistic dreams much. and its sad. i’m glad that i’ve seen some of the work he did when he was younger. i’m glad that if i bring it up, he’ll show me something he can do. but he doesnt pursue it anymore really. my dad works an exhausting physical labor job but even he, as a 50something year old has fallen into that trap of like, i dont have time to draw, but he will scroll his phone and read articles for hours and i’m not shaming him. i’m just saying we all have this problem in the modern era of technology and social media and what not (hell i am writing a post on tumblr instead of my book right now).

but if timing was different and my dad grew up in a different time, where lets say something distracted him from doing the little bit of art and music that he did when i was a kid that i was able to witness, if i hadnt seen that. i wouldnt know that.. in a way.. that’s in me. i mean, he’s my dad. if my dad could pick up a craft and work at it to be good at it, why can’t i? there are so many musicians and (kind unrelated but not rly - i think being “self made” is an art) business owners in my family. there’s either some common thread in our genetics ORRRRRRRRRR just growing up around people working at and succeeding at those kinds of goals shows you that it CAN be done so you’re more likely to believe in your abilities

and i want that for my daughter. because even as an almost 3 year old i can see that she has a gift for music, and reading. and even if i’m wrong about that and she grows up wanting to do some other thing as a job or hobby, i want her to know, by seeing her mom do it, that she can achieve anything she puts her heart to. you don’t have to box yourself in because of your age or your sex or the fact that you’re a parent.

and your dream doesnt have to become your career. it can be a hobby and still be fulfilling. like yes, 18 year old me dreamed about some life in nyc singing in clubs or bars or whatever and being ~famous (lol) and that did not happen, but i can still get out there and play open mic downtown and get that love of music, and desire to face my fear of performing out of my system. maybe i’ll love it. maybe i’ll hate it. but i’ll have done it. and that’s the ultimate goal.

sorry i went off but i had to get that out of my system and i’m very passionate about

#personal

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dwaynepride · 5 years

Text

Just Dark Enough

Summary: After a long case, Chris needs some way to blow off some steam. He could have picked someplace more private, but you’ll make do.

Words: 2,690

Warnings: Public sex, female reader

Tags: @pageofultron @stanathanxoox @starryrevelations @n3shama @thebeckyjolene @diaryofafan17

Notes: I didn’t have anything special planned for Valentine’s day this year so have some Chris sin!! i posted a while back about wanting to write alleyway sin and i chose chris bc i hadnt written full-on smut with him yet

The night air was nice, for once. New Orleans never made a promise for nice weather, so for the cool wind to blow away the day's heat was a blessing. It prompts the night owls and party animals out to play; as if they wouldn't on a hot night, but this makes it more bearable.

The music bouncing through the streets was evidence of that. The air might smell like booze and bile, but the sound more than made up for it. Focusing past the music of Pride's bar was a challenge, but you picked up on the steel drum set down the street.

But you'd head back in soon. Back to drinking with the team and listening to the band. Letting Chris pull you up to dance, like he liked to do.

You were leaning up against the cool bricks of the alleyway behind the bar. A quieter place than the street that Pride let you sneak off to for some fresh air. Dark and private; just a few minutes of peace.

At least, until the door opens with a loud creak. The sound prompts your head to turn, smiling when Chris sees you. "You still out here, Sugarbelle?" He asks fondly, ending with question with a scoff as he closes the door behind him.

You nod, turning back to the street. "Yeah, I'm just...enjoying the peace."

He hums a little, eyeing you but not letting his sarcastic thoughts surface. Instead, Chris approaches with soft footfalls; barely audible against the concrete. "Well, I was missin' you, is all." His hand finds your hip, squeezing until you look back up at him. "Workin' so much lately 'cause of the case."

Yeah, the case had been brutal. Late nights and lots of dead ends. It was a big reason why the whole team had gathered in the bar tonight; to let loose, now that it’s done and over with. So you could understand why Chris had noticed your absence after you’ve been gone for a little while.

So you send him a light smile, fingers curling around his muscular upper arm. “I didn’t mean to take so long. I guess I was just enjoying the peace and quiet.” You both smirk at that; as if the streets of New Orleans provided much quiet. “We can go back in, if you want.”

The alleyway connected to the backdoor of Pride’s bar is fairly dark. So much so, you barely see the smile that graces Chris’ face as he shrugs his broad shoulders. “Well, there’s no rush. I kinda like it out here - just us.” He replies, taking a small step closer so he’s basically in your personal space.

Your head backs away at the sudden proximity, and it’s glaringly obvious that Chris has you stuck between him and the brick wall you’re leaning against. When your skull presses against the bricks, you give a light huff. “Well, if you want to be alone so bad, we could just call it a night.” Your fingers squeeze his arm, feeling the muscles beneath his sleeve.

“An’ miss all this fresh air and good music?” Chris quirks his eyebrows a bit, and you’re only given a short moment to roll your eyes at such a stupid statement before he finally just kisses you. A full-body kiss, no less; Chris leaning closer, carefully slotting himself against you like so many times before.

And you simply react to it. Arching your spine so your chests press together. Knees separating because Chris is teasing them open with one of his. There’s no surprise to feel his tongue run along your bottom lip, and now, you’re hungry enough for him to grant access without hesitation.

Still, even if this is Chris, it’s a little rare for kisses to get so deep and so heavy this quickly. Especially away from home - especially in the alley behind his best friend’s bar.

The kiss breaks, and Chris is grinning. You are too, but you’re more dazzled by his smile. So much so, the feeling of his hand sliding up the back of your shirt doesn’t truly register until his fingertips start stroking the soft skin of your lower back. It’s the slight catch of his fingernails that clue you in. Your surprised jump only make Chris smile even wider.

“Getting a little touchy there.”

“Am I? Didn’t notice.”

He doesn’t stop, though. In fact, his hand just ventures up further. Blatantly enjoying the way your body shifts at his touch until his fingers reach the strap of your bra. And that’s when a bit of sense kicks in, and you push Chris’ hand back down to the small of your back. “Just what do you think you’re doing?” You scold him lightly, turning to watch the opening of the alley. “We’re in public!”

There’s a bit of dissatisfaction in his eyes when you pushed his hand away, but it’s not enough to dampen the mischief written plainly on his face. You’re almost afraid of the reason why Chris is wearing such a playful look before he just shrugs. “Well, if ya think about it, we ain’t really in public.” He takes a minute to look around before his smile returns. “No one can see us.”

That wasn’t the point. You two were still standing in an alley, and tonight was no less busy than any other night in New Orleans. This was still in public, no matter how Chris wanted to twist it.

And you had every intention of telling him that. Scolding his dumb plan but also promising to continue at home. In private.

But you evidently forgot the events of just a couple minutes ago, when Chris had so expertly had you twisted up in him. When he nudged his knee between both of yours and kept it there, even as you pushed his hand away.

So when he started moving his leg, it was so easy for his thigh to grind upwards. The friction elicits a sharp gasp from you and brings a victorious smile on Chris’ face. Sometimes, it’s just way too easy to get you riled up and wanting him.

The knowledge isn’t enough to deter Chris, though. Not when he’s got his mind on something. So, while moving his thigh up and down at a languid pace, he leans him. Lets his nose brush against yours so you feel the exhale of his breath. “Can’t wait till home, baby. Gotta have ya now.” He rumbles out, voice low and teasing because he knows that gets you going.

And it does. He feels your hips eagerly meet the thrusts of his thigh. Feels the light gasp of breath against his lips, and Chris figures he pretty much has you.

Chris wants to push his hand back up your shirt. Get that bra off like he intended, but he really should be responsible about this. You were right about one thing; this was a very stupid thing to do. Chris didn’t care to stop right now, but he could at least make clean-up as easy as possible.

The bra will stay on, but pants are the one thing that needs to go. Chris leans his head down to lock his lips with yours. Lets his teeth nip a little at your bottom lip; a distraction while his hands fiddle with the belt of your pants. The one downside to all this was that it was happening right after wrapping up a case; you were still wearing all your gear and work clothes.

He feels your body tense up once the belt is undone. Chris slows, just for a moment, as he works on the button of your jeans. If you changed your mind, you don’t tell him. In fact, the way your hips shift to give him more room to work is a very encouraging sign. The zipper is pulled down a moment later, but Chris doesn’t immediately yank them down and get to work.

He’s always been eager, but if there’s one thing that he’s good at, it’s not half-assing anything. Chris knows he’s gotta get you ready first. Gotta make you ask him to fuck you.

“You doin’ okay?” He asks, voice a little pulled down. He’s trying to stay marginally quiet, but with his fingers starting to push past the waistband of your underwear, it’s hard to regulate his volume.

He hopes it’s not too hard later on.

You nod quickly, and that gives him the motivation to hurry up. The last thing either of you want is someone from the team coming out here, wondering where you were.

So, in just a couple heartbeats, Chris finds his goal. He grins wide, noting that you’re already pretty fucking wet. He’ll have to remember that if you tell him you didn’t like going at it in an alley. That obviously wasn’t true, and when he managed to press a single finger in, your harsh inhale only strengthened his case.

Chris lets out a low noise - something akin to a purr, and you really love the sound of it. “If I knew you’d like it this much, I woulda done it sooner.” He says, and you almost want to huff at his cocky tone. But really, the feeling of his finger moving in and out puts a lid on it. “Find a dark corner, pull you in, and fuck ya hard while you try shut up.”

A involuntary whimper comes out. Chris’ jeans get a little tighter at the sound, but he keeps going. Working to add a second finger because he’s ready for more. “But I know how loud y’are. And I don’t want nobody else hearin’ all those pretty noises you make. No one ‘cept me, Sugarbelle.”

His fingers crook this way and that. Hitting some very sensitive places. Scissoring in and out and stretching in the best possible way. It’s surprising how close you are to cumming, but here you are; whining and pleading against his lips, trying your hardest to stay quiet.

And it’s almost as if Chris is going to let you cum, before a particularly loud group of people pass by the entrance of the alleyway. They’re laughing and hollering and the sudden jump in volume causes you both to jump. Chris slides his hand free, and you were too terrified to even feel a little disappointed at the absence.

But nobody spares you two a glance. You're sure they didn't even know you were there. There's much too many lights and music on the street to pay attention to some little alley behind a bar.

And that realization settles in quickly. Chris only barely meets your gaze once more before you both are back to pulling on one another, lips kissing feverishly and bodies trying to work up some friction.

It's only when you hear Chris' belt in the darkness do you feel the odd sense of dangerous thrill. You get a taste of why he wanted to do it out here. How much fun it would be.

So while Chris is fumbling with his jeans, you toe off your shoes. Push your pants down and kick them away, but still within reach. It's a little scary, being this bare in public. The air feels almost unnatural against your skin, and you're grinning at the thought of somebody suddenly turning the corner or opening the back door.

But there's no more time to think about it. Because Chris pushes his jeans and boxers down just enough so he can pull his cock free. He hisses because the air has the same effect on him as it did on you, but you both are much too excited to stop and think.

Chris reaches down to pull your leg up, curving it over his hip and keeping it there. And he kisses you once; a small peck before backing away. "Ready for me, baby?" He breathes out, a smile tugging on his lips.

You nod quickly, mirroring his smile. So when Chris moves his hand to pull your underwear aside, you're reaching to curl your fingers against the hard heat of his cock. His hands are a bit full right now, anyway. He'll need the help.

There's a slight temptation to make a loose fist and start working him up, but there's no time. So, when his hips arch forward, you're angling yours until Chris is able to push in the swollen tip; a small movement that drives your nails into his shoulder because you want to make some kind of noise.

You hold it back, though. Just barely.

The same can't quite be said for Chris. As he presses another inch or two in, a low groan comes up from the back of his throat. "Fuck." He says through gritted teeth before letting out a couple pants. It's a real challenge to bite everything back.

Thankfully, it doesn't impede on his concentration. Chris' eyebrows are furrowed together, his head tilted down as methodically moves his hips back and forth. Short jerks in the beginning; the awkward position makes it hard to really drive in. But sooner rather than later, Chris is finally able to start an addicting rhythm that continuously stokes the fire in your belly.

Your hands run over his chest and shoulders and arms, wishing his shirt wasn't in the way but enjoying the press of his muscles regardless. He'd have to be plenty strong - you feel the strain in his arm while he keeps your leg at his hip.

His thrusts start getting a little more powerful. Going faster to try to speed the process along before you get caught. Chris pushes his face into the crook of your neck, taking advantage to let loose some of the noises he's been fighting back. And also some filthy words riding on the tip of his tongue.

"God, couldn't wait till we got home. Love fuckin' you hard, baby. Wanted to all day- fuck.”

Chris might’ve had the advantage of hiding his face away, but you had no such favour. With his nails digging into bottom of your thigh and the coil growing tighter and tighter in your stomach, it was hard to keep quiet. The most you could do was close your eyes and hope your orgasm won’t have Chris’ names echoing off the brick walls.

And finally, you were hitting your peak. A gasp forcefully enters your lungs, pushing out before another takes its place. The force of the coil unspringing so quickly and so powerfully was much more than you were expecting out of a public quickie. Chris himself was having a hard time staying quiet; you feel his teeth in the meat of your shoulder while his hips move out of his control. Pushing all through out the length of your orgasms.

Once the white noise dies down and your eyes open, the first thing you sense is Chris. His hot breath in your neck. The sound of his panting. The feel of his nails detaching from your thigh.

The second thing is the alley itself. With Chris still in his own little world, you quickly look around. Nobody was standing in front of the alleyway, yelling obscenities. No one from the team was peeking out from behind the door, threatening to tell Pride about this little act.

Good. It looks like nobody saw.

“Chris.” You mumble out, hands pushing him away lightly. His head lolls a little, but he’s wearing a soft smile. It takes a moment to remember what you were going to say. “We should get back. They’ll be wondering where we are.”

His eyes roll a little, but it finally seems like he’s seeing sense. “Yeah, yeah.” With that, Chris regretfully retracts and fixes his pants. Quickly helps you do the same, all while keeping a careful eye out.

It seems like a miracle that it all happened without anybody so much as hearing it. You’re not confident that neither you or Chris were perfectly silent.

Regardless, it was still a really amazing fuck. The next challenge would be to keep from grinning like idiots around the team.

#ncis new orleans imagine #ncis nola imagine #christopher lasalle x reader #christopher lasalle imagine #ncis new orleans reader insert

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lesbeet · 5 years

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this might be a strange question but what goes into becoming a teacher? i've been thinking about becoming a teacher and i'm nervous even though it's something i really think i want to do and i'm curious as to how you go about becoming one like what courses/requirements do you need to take and how do you come up with a lesson plan and everything? and how did you know teaching was something you wanted to do or realize it was something you would be good at?

hm well i can only tell you about my own experience, which i would say is probably pretty unorthodox, but it’s been working really well for me!

so i’ve been working on a masters in teaching for english/language arts grades 5-12 from western governors university, which is an (accredited) online program for aspiring teachers who need to be licensed as teachers in general as well as certified/endorsed in their particular subject areas. depending on what you want to teach, there are a couple of undergrad teaching degrees they offer (i believe it’s elementary ed, special ed, and a couple of different math and science programs), but to do like language arts or social studies etc, you’d need to have a bachelors degree to qualify -- though i also did my bachelors at wgu (in business management sdklfdjskdflsjd i hated it) so it doesnt need to be education-related or anything

if you wanna know more about my particular program let me know, bc it works fairly unusually but is a legitimate post-secondary educational institution and is also incredibly affordable, and idk what i’d be doing if i hadnt found out that it existed lmao

but so yeah idk what an education undergrad would consist of, but for my program in particular there were a lot of english content classes, obviously, like secondary disciplinary literacy, english pedagogy, secondary reading instruction and interventions, stuff like that

and then there were a lot of more generalized pedagogical courses, like educational assessment, foundational perspectives of education, classroom management, fundamentals of diversity and inclusion, principles of psychology: child and adolescent development, and stuff like that

again, this is just based on my own experience, but re: lesson plans, i actually just had some assignments for my courses where i had to write them and justify the thought process behind the decisions i made! like in my english pedagogy course, i had to write 3 essays (one for a literature-based lesson, one for a grammar-based lesson, and one for a writing-based lesson), and in each essay there was a section where i had to plan an entire lesson using their lesson plan format, and then explain and justify why i made each choice that i made.

i’m starting student-teaching next semester, as soon as we get back from winter break, and i assume i’ll get more practice with lesson-planning through that, but basically it kind of comes down to like...figuring out the standards your students are supposed to reach, then figuring out how you’re going to break them down into a curriculum, and then for each lesson you figure out what objectives/goals you want your students to reach by the end, and you figure out how to present the material and then assess in some way whether or not the students understand it. once you know what the purpose of a lesson plan is (whether re: the idea of lesson plans in general, or a specific lesson plan you’re working on), the rest is just figuring out how to achieve that purpose. and it comes with practice! and trial and error, and figuring out what works and doesnt work with your own teaching style and in your classroom, etc. ik that’s super vague but so much of it depends of the parameters you’re given—like while i’m student-teaching i won’t be picking the books we read, so i’ll already have that requirement figured out for me, yknow?

as for your last question, my mom has been teaching my whole life, and my dad started teaching when i was about 10. my aunt is also a teacher, and my other aunt is a speech-language pathologist, so. i grew up around teachers kfjsldkfjs

i’ve just always liked explaining things to people and helping them understand them! i think really what it comes down to is that i just have a lot of passion and a lot of things to say sldfksjdkflj like i really do believe that english/language arts in particular is applicable in all parts of life, because all people communicate. i can’t speak for like. calculus or biology or whatever, but 99.9999% of people will need to do some sort of reading, and some sort of writing and/or speaking and/or communication of some type or another, and for all of the “the curtains are just blue!!!” whiners out there, it’s crucial to know how to communicate with others, and to understand what others are attempting to communicate to you, and i can’t think of a single scenario in which that isn’t the case.

plus like, idk a single person who doesn’t like some form of story, whether through tv shows or movies or books or plays or podcasts or video games etc etc etc, and imo those can all be enhanced and made even better by having some sort of background knowledge of storytelling as an art, or as a process, or as an established medium with its own structures and intertextual lexicon etc! like the more i read about the art and history of storytelling, the more i enjoy movies and tv shows (which i already love and watch frequently), bc storytelling isn’t just a textual medium!

tbh part of the reason i think i’m good at explaining things is because i grew up in an emotionally abusive household, and i learned very early on how to anticipate the way another person (usually my dad lol) would interpret something i said to him, regardless of what i actually meant by it. so i subconsciously learned to apply that skill to other people, and now i’ve got sort of a knack for being able to cater my explanations to different people based on how i think they’ll best understand the information, and not just in a classroom setting—like i sometimes serve as a mediator/”interpreter” when my sister and my dad are having difficult conversations, because i know them both well enough, and the way they think well enough, that when one of them says something, i can usually understand both their intention AND how the other person is going to interpret it, and i can rephrase or explain things so miscommunication doesn’t end up making the problem worse

so in a classroom, i can explain things in several different ways, and if i’m working one-on-one with different kids i can usually figure out what isn’t clicking and can try another way to explain it. also bc my adhd brain processes information by making connections to other things i already know, i’m particularly good at coming up with (often unusual) metaphors or analogies for things, and people are like “oh wow ok that’s a weird way to explain it but i definitely get it now” and stuff

so basically i’ve learned bc of necessity how to communicate more effectively with others, and because i want everyone else to get the enjoyment out of language arts that i do, i’m drawn to teaching because i hope to help the students find at least some area of it that they’re interested in, and to show them that literature/storytelling/communication aren’t just about reading old boring books written by racist white dudes who hated women, but about learning to represent and interpret and take part in the human experience, because the foundation of any sort of society is communication, and that very basic desire to be understood by others

so even when i didnt actively Want To Be A Teacher it was always kinda in the back of my mind like “well if i dont find anything else i wanna do, i can always be an english teacher” bc most of my favorite teachers growing up were english teachers, and even at my absolute worst i did just fine in those classes, even when i hadnt read the books we were discussing (which was most of the time jsdklfsjd which is now kind of a problem for me as a teacher so i do think i shot myself in the foot there but oh well, i was 14)

anyway, as usual that got super long, but i hope it was helpful! lemme know if you have any other questions :)

#anonymous #answered

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shattered-catalyst · 5 years

Text

So this isnt for anything other than just to say what happened just so I feel heard and I can explain why I cant be as energetic and socially active on here. Its not a callout post or to be reblogged/shared by people. Its not to get anyone in trouble or to cause any reaction. It’s just for me to let it out and reclaim this space again. Its been a year since it happened and I guess I’m just still noticing how badly it has impacted my PTSD. How much its changed me as a person both online and off, and this isnt a woe as me thing either this is just me feeling a need to be heard and explain my own behavior over the year and also to make one simple request of you guys: no matter what you do, always treat your rp partners as people first and writers second.

Because I feel myself becoming bitter and that isnt who I am and I dont want to be someone like that. Or like this. I want to be me again

The person who did this wont be named mainly because they dont deserve it and yall dont need to know. Their behavior when I confronted them more than cements the impression that they dont see any harm in what they said and how they reacted. And again this isnt about them though In A Way I suppose it is? it takes two to tango but it takes one to encourage someone to kill themselves.

This is going to be long because I need to inform on the activity that lead up to this because it didnt just happen over night- though in a way it did. But you need a better picture of this person because apparently they present a really great face that only a few of us see the manipulative and toxic side of.

This person was always very judgemental and hyper critical. I witnessed a lot of very negative and toxic behavior from them but I was naive and just hoped they would mature as they grew older and gained more independence. I thought it was just a toxic friend group and that perhaps she would recognize her self destructive and immature behavior and grow from it.

My first red flag should have been when they accused me of being their ex girlfriend SOLELY because I was living in PA. I hate to break it to yall, but PA is a big ass state and has a lot of comic book loving ladies. Thankfully I have never met this person IRL and I hope I never do.

They tried to pull me into making fun of other muns on discord, including mocking sensitive pictures from a mun’s personal blog. I blatantly said it wasnt okay and made me uncomfortable and she continued laughing and making jokes about it with her friend group on discord. She kept trying to pull me into it no matter how often I tried to change the subject.

Her group of friends also did this thing where one of them would go interact with a mun an they would take screenshots of the convo and share it with the group and mock the mun they were interacting with. Whether it be their presentation of character/grahics/writing style/ etc.

The other red flags I ignored? How much she complained and mocked other muns and compared them to me; if anyone did anything or said anything she disagreed with it was an instant blow up. She took EVERYTHING personally including other people writing the same characters she did, having differing headcanons, not knowng obscure details about canon, etc.

She once tried to make fun of a new writing partner I had who was writing the same character, and I had to break it to her that this new person could write in her first language if she wanted to; im being very vague but let me just say if you and your character have the same first language and you want to write in it then its completely WRONG for a white mun to try and make fun of you for it.

She once suggested I had stolen pictures off her pinterest when she sent me a moodboard request for my character. Jokes on her I didnt even know she HAD a pinterest and I had gotten all my pictures from the ‘green aesthetic’ tag on tumblr. Which I told her but she kept pushing the idea on me I had stolen them. I of course dismissed this and put it on the back burner despite the alarm bells going off.

This hyper critical and paranoid behavior continues with everything from other canon blogs making similar head canons/ vaguely similar graphics/ to fanfiction authors having similar head canons/plot ideas.

My penname Citrus? I didnt want one. I didnt want it. She demanded I have a pen name and if not she was going to call me Cat. Now as yall know I dont like being enmeshed with my muse so I keep myself separate from them. I didnt like being called Cat and I told her that explicitly. She kept doing it. So I had to make a pen name because she refused to respect my boundaries.

When the Deadpool movie came out she DEMANDED I change my FC to reflect the movie Despite Not Changing Hers to reflect her own characters new look - which might i add is fat erasure. It was clear then that the rules and standards she held other people to didnt apply to herself. I was labeled problematic for not giving into her demands to change FCs (which I have a literal logical reason for not changing and im not explaining that here)

So I shouldve left. Long story short I didnt because every friendship I’d been in until around this time had been abusive and toxic. I thought this was all normal behavior for people to have and I was convinced I was just being critical of someone elses opinions/ insensitive etc. Thanks to my colleagues in graduate school and to several of you on here I learned that ‘hey dumbass friends dont treat your ass like this’.

Im leaving a lot out about the shit she did/said to me but those snippets give you an idea of things.

Leading up she decided to leave fandom and asked we didnt talk about marvel I said cool okay and didnt talk about marvel with her. If I did I would ask first if she was okay if we talked about one small aspect I thought might excite her/ she would like to know about but it wasnt often that happened because she began ghosting me. Hard. She stopped replying to me at all over discord when I would try and talk to her how we used to about our lives. She didnt answer any asks for munday or character development, in fact she blatantly ignored me.

I checked in a couple times with her to make sure I hadnt done anything to make her uncomfortable and she said no. May I emphasize she said no here. Im emphasizing it right now. She said no. She said everything was fine. So when I was like hey dude this is super triggering for me can you send me like a hi every once in awhile just so I can know we’re okay because its super triggering for me. Yall know what she did? She ‘lmao’-ed. she thought that was hecka funny. Yeah triggering ‘Citrus’ is hilarious isnt it? No it isnt and I shouldve cut her ass off right then and there.

Heres where shit gets confusing: she kept fucking talking about marvel to me. Id get messages at random times about marvel and then silence for weeks. I vividly remember during this period I was cleaning the museum vault and she kept messaging me about her marvel fc’s and how she wouldnt get a plotline and how characters were wrong etc.

I remember being REALLY confused because she had said NO MARVEL. But here she was bitching at me about marvel. In fact thats all she did when she did talk to me. Which was only like three or four times during the ghosting time period. She’d bitch about marvel and then vanish.

Shed make claims about not watching her dash and thats why she never responded to me/ interacted with me. She’d say she wasnt talkng to anyone while I see her on the dash TALKING TO PEOPLE and Id like to point out Ive told her I would be fine ending anything as long as she let me know.

but she followed me on every blog and throughout this time period she made and followed me on numerous ones. She kept reaching out sporadically to bitch about her fcs/how horrible marvel was/ and thats it.

It was extremely confusing because if someone doesnt want to talk to me I assume they will; 1. unfollow 2. block 3. say goodbye 4. ghost and stay ghosted.

Not cycle through behavior rapidly. I asked her a few times if we were good and that I was confused and I got another ‘lmao’ reaction so I assumed we were good. At this point I still have no idea what was going on/ what message I was supposed to be receiving other than confusion.

So following this is heavily suicide tw and I encourage you not to read this part and to scroll down until the suicide tw is over which is highlighted in bold- if you’re triggered by that because I care about those who follow my blog.

So thats when this shit happened. I had tried reaching out to her on a different fandom platform to try and maintain the friendship. Because she said numerous times that we were friends. So like I reached out thinking maybe she just didnt want a marvel blog period. It wasnt too long after that that she suicide baited me.

I was in a really bad place and had been for awhile and when I posted about how the only thing holding me on was the new comic coming out and specifically said “im seriously suicidal and this comic is the only thing giving me hope #idk what to do anymore ”. I was surprised when she liked the post.

I was three steps into a four step plan. I had everything but the method planned out and was just waffling along with that. Because yknow its complicated and you do it you make it count amiright. Right. I was in a fucked up place. I had just realized I was gay, I was horrendously depressed, I was in considerable physical pain, I was working 70 hours a week, my OCD was at an all time high and the only thing that kept me on this earth was a fucking comic book. You hold onto what you need to yknow?

WELL APPARENTLY NOT

Because this person who doesnt read her dash? This person who doesnt want to talk about anything? Liked that post where I specifically stated I was suicidal and sent me a discord message saying “dont have hope”.

Thats all it said “dont have hope”

Now I know what youre thinking but hold on because it gets worse.

I said something about being confused I dont really remember because I was pretty out of it. I do remember she kept going on about how horrible the comic would be and that it would be a piece of trash. I remember telling her I was really numb and in a bad place and couldnt feel anything. I remember her sending me screencaps and continuing to go ON AND ON about how it wasn’t worth reading.

I remember with gross intensity how someone who said they were my friend was taking away the only thing that was keeping me alive.

I dont remember how the conversation ends. I called out of work for the next three days. I was catatonically depressed and unable to really move. I didnt eat either. I went to internship, work, and school in a state of dissociation.

I took screencaps of everything and set them aside for later. IDK what I was going to use them for but I set them in a folder on my desktop, looking back I regret what I did next; because I deleted them. I deleted them because I thought maybe she had been manic or drunk and hadn’t realized the scope of what was happening. I wanted to talk to her about it and clear things up because I believed in her. I believed there was no way she would be so callous as to do that on purpose. No way would someone try and get someone they called a friend to kill themselves. So I deleted the screencaps and my post on tumblr. I deleted all evidence to protect her and I encourage you all never to fucking do that even if you think that person misunderstood the gravity of your situation. Because if you’re wrong no ones going to believe you.

I remember shifting between intense depression and total denial.

I spent the rest of that month in and out of intense dissociative states when I wasnt in class or working with my clients. During the middle of October my sister sent me pictures of a litter of puppies and I was like ‘well, i really need to either kill myself or make sure i dont’. I spent a few days continuing to waffle with that decision but then i remembered my mom cosigned my loans and I cant leave her with that debt because fuck we cant even afford my funeral to begin with. So I adopted a dog, I named him Julio to remind me to keep living and he finally came to me on halloween.

He was the only reason I left bed on my days off. I tried not to think about it but I did.

I continued to spiral with heavier dissociative episodes and vivid nightmares about it.

SUICIDE TW OVER

I waited until Christmas to ask her to clarify the situation and let her know I no longer felt comfortable writing with her. I reminded her what happened and told her to check her discord if she wanted to see for herself etc.

She sent two long asks of combative, emotionally abusive, and gaslighting accusations. The first thing she did was say I needed to provide evidence if I went around making accusations like that. Then she cascaded into how I always talked about marvel *points up to where i explained what happened earlier*. She tried gaslighting me like a champion and tried turning me into a horrible person the only problem is everything she was accusing me of doing was the shit she was doing to me. Everything.

Even if I was bad at any time I had given her numerous chances to tell me I was overstepping a boundary- she always said no. I gave her numerous times to unfollow me if she wasnt interested in interacting with me- she never did. In fact I had unfollowed her that month because of her behavior towards me and she hadnt even noticed.

I let her know I could tell she was angry, and that I didnt take receipts of private conversations because I believed in settling things like adults, and that if she ever wanted any proof it was all in her discord anyway. I let her know she could contact me to apologize but otherwise I didnt want her on any of my blogs and I told her the first thing she should have done wasnt demand receipts but she should have asked if I was okay. Its a real reflection of where her priorities were when she demands evidence rather than checks to see if a writing partner is okay.

Even if I did something horrible it doesnt warrant someone trying to get me to end my life.

I was notified she put a post on her blog apologizing to her followers for being a bad friend and that she was a horrible person and ofc everyone was like ‘noooo youre perfect’ and its like ya thats not for me who hasnt followed her in months- thats to save face.

Her friends blogs kept visiting my profile and going through the month where this happened.

Everything she did and said was to save face. Her blog and her reputation are the only thing she cared about. She has never approached me to apologize or anything of the sort and I doubt she ever will. I would hope she would never do this again and I hope she has grown as a person since. That her life is better and her mother is okay, that shes happy and learning.

I know by posting this I will never receive an apology- then again i never expected one to begin with. I could go through all the trouble of restoring the deleted files but to be honest it isnt worth it because theres no room in my life for that type of toxicity.

Since this happened I:

I have stronger episodes of depression and dissociation since.

My PTSD has increased and I have week long spikes in anxiety attacks, depression and decreased self worth if I even see her around the rpc despite being blocked, blacklisted on xkit etc.

Have more difficulty completing basic self care tasks due to an increase in depression and a decrease in self worth.

I have nightmares about this event and her to this day a year later.

I cannot interact with the RPC how I once did as I fear seeing her on my dash or any sort of information getting back to her about me.

It took me half a year to see the character she wrote as as safe again and for awhile I couldnt even look at him without experiencing an anxiety attack.

I keep having nightmares. Its been a year and I still have nightmares about this.

I find myself having more difficulties connecting with people online especially on this blog. I’m constantly on edge when interacting with people and I feel spikes of anxiety at the merest thought of someone talking about me to her.

I find myself unable to have confidence as a writer or creator online because I have been reminder of the cement wall between oc characters and their canon counterparts.

I cannot go out and just follow anyone and be friendly and trusting with them anymore, even with people I already know. In the back of my mind is a constant reminder of how she and her friends used to check up on people and pretend to write with them/ interact with them just to take screenshots of conversations to share with the group. I have become a paranoid little bitch in the past year is what Im saying. like theres 0 need for that shit.

I blocked most of the people she interacted with simply to save myself from being triggered by her blogs/ mentions of her and that isnt fair to those people.

I remember the photo incident and how people derived such joy from mocking someones body. I can think of so many incidents of them making fun of others and I remember how that could be happening about me rn, and I wonder if anyone would stick up for me like I did for the other mun.

I hope by posting this I can try and return to the person I was before this happened. I can try and not be so bitter and reach out again to others. That somehow I can continue working on making tumblr a safe place for me again and not a PTSD laced minefield.

I would like to remind this isnt a callout and I request if you know who this is about you dont say anything to them. This isnt for them. They have NEVER reached out to apologize for their actions. They have NEVER checked to see if I was okay after that. They have NEVER shown any remorse for encouraging me to kill myself and while I hope they’ve grown from the situation and will never do it again I doubt I will ever get closure from such an event. But i DO hope by writing this I can take this place back.

Consider this my first step towards bringing this up to a therapist.

Consider this another step to me taking this blog back and feeling safer here; and maybe just maybe Ill make up a cool pen name for myself and own that shit.

If you’ve read this far thank you for your patience with me, and I request you always treat your writing partners like the people that they are.

This post is not intended or written to leave this blog and therefore I request you not reblog it or share segments of it with ANYONE. If I find you have shared anything on here without my explicit permission I will block you.

‘Citrus’

#suicide tw #gaslighting tw #emotional abuse tw

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istheresomebodywhocanimagine · 5 years

Text

Write It Down

strawberryfields-forever said: Ok so I absolutely LOVE your writing!! I was wondering if you could another roger Taylor Imagine where the reader gets really drunk and ends up at Rogers Place and he takes care of them and then she ends up confessing her feelings and you can take it from there? Please and thank you! Xxx

(a/n: i’m SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG I CAN NEVER HELP MYSELF FUCK also this layout might be fucked when i first post it but i’ll try to fix it ASAP)

“Roger, it’s barely midnight, you’ve got to be fucking with me!” you complained, nearly tripping over yourself as he pulled you out of the pub and away from the guy who you’d just been chatting with. “Just one more pint!”

Roger ignored your incessant complaining as he got out onto the sidewalk, the pub door swinging shut behind you, and he began to look for a cab. Cursing at the lack of cars around, he quickly realized there was no way you were making it all the way back to your flat, not tonight. “My place, then,” he mumbled, letting go of your wrist to wrap his arm around your waist, starting to lead you towards his flat that was just over 7 blocks away.

“My flat is the other way!” you protested, almost being dead weight against his side as he used all of his strength to guide you down the street. “Where are we going, you silly goose?” you laughed, leaning even more on him and making him chuckle at how sloshed you were.

Despite your embarrassing situation, you were quite enjoying Roger’s arm around you. Of course, you were using all of your willpower left to keep your mouth shut, because even in your inebriated state, you knew this was not the time to clue Roger in on your little crush.

“Goose? Is that what you think of me?” he teased, helping you across the street and flipping off a car that honked at you both. “We’re going to my place, you can sleep there.”

“OoooOooOh,” you drew out, wiggling your eyebrows. “I get to go to the goose’s nest tonight!”

“My God,” he laughed, trying not to drop you as he continued to lead the way down the sidewalk, your arm wrapping loosely around his shoulder.

As he walked the 7 long blocks with you, you blabbered on and on about the guy at the bar. He had to hear about how he was an old friend from primary, and how he’d bought you drinks and asked if you’d been to a late night chips place down the road. You said you told him you hadn’t, so he offered to take you but you didn’t want to leave, and that’s about the time the “big boss Roger” showed up to end the fun.

As you walked up to the tower block Roger was living in with Brian and Freddie, you sighed dramatically and leaned your head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry I tried to make you stay longer,” you mumbled, slurring your words quite a bit, but Roger already knew how to decipher your drunken ramblings. You loved that about him. In fact, there were quite a few more things you loved about him that you hadn’t told him before. It was a pity you’d become such close friends, because you reckoned that was the only thing preventing you from telling Roger how you felt about him.

He chuckled and shook his head as you both approached the stairs, Roger wondering to himself how he’d get you up to the 4th floor. “Hey, let’s crawl up the stairs, that’d be fun, right?” he suggested, hoping you’d take to the idea. You groaned before starting to crawl up them, knowing the alternative was being carried and that would kill Roger before you got to the 2nd floor.

Roger followed, snickering a bit at the state of you, but encouraged you all the way to his floor, where you decided to lay down. “Rog, I’m beat,” you complained, pressing a hand against your head and closing your eyes. “I think I’m going to sleep here.”

“No, no, Y/N, don’t be a drama queen, that’s Fred’s job,” he ordered, grabbing ahold of your hand and pulling you up to what could be considered a standing position. Throwing your arm over his shoulder, he managed to drag you down to his flat as you apologized for trying to sleep. He then unlocked the door kicked it open gently, calling out for his roommates.

You decided to join in. “Freddieeeee,” you sang, your eyes still halfway closed and heavily lidded as you laughed at how terrible you sounded. “Briaaaann, come out, come out, wherever you are!”

Roger carefully sat you down on the sofa, patting your head gently before heading off to their rooms to find them empty. They must have decided to stay longer at the pub than they had originally planned, which made Roger groan softly. He was alone in getting your drunk ass to bed.

“Looks like it’s just you and me,” he said as he came back into the front room, where you’d managed to pull off your shoes and sprawl out on the couch. Your heart fluttered as you realized you were truly alone with Roger, and anything could happen. Jesus, I must be really drunk if I’m thinking we’re going to do anything but go to sleep tonight, you thought. “Let’s get a glass of water in you, eh?”

You nodded once, smiling lopsidedly up at him before closing your eyes and humming to yourself. As Roger grabbed a glass of water and some Tylenol for you, he heard you start to quietly sing off-key, then suddenly, you stopped. After a pause, you called out to him. “Rog, come sing your harmony, you bastard!”

You then began to sing Doing All Right unbearably loud, Roger trying to shush you and try not to laugh as he reminded you of the upstairs neighbor who hated how loud they were. As if on cue, the upstairs neighbor stomped on the floor, which made you shut up and look at Roger with an impish grin. He looked adorable tonight, and you hated yourself for noting that. He was supposed to be your best friend and confidant, and now here you were wondering why you hadn’t made out with him already.

As you admired him, he couldn’t help but grin back at you. Shaking his head, he helped you sit up, handing you the water and Tylenol before sitting next to you and pulling his shoes off. You gratefully took the pills and water, then sat the glass on the nightstand next to you before laying down again, sprawling over Roger’s lap and making him raise an eyebrow at you. “I’m sorry for being loud,” you practically whispered, running a hand over your face before giving him a guilty look. “I promise I’ll be good now.”

“You’re awfully apologetic tonight,” he remarked, relaxing back against the couch and spreading one arm out along the back while the other hand rested on your stomach lightly. “How come you never want to apologize to me when you’re not a shitfaced mess?!”

“Oh, fuck off and die,” you automatically replied, reaching out to smack his chest playfully. As soon as you did it, your jaw dropped and you began apologizing profusely, becoming a babbling mess again.

He began to shush you again, laughing in between shushes and finally resorting to putting a hand over your mouth. Quieting again, Roger gave it a moment before moving his hand to play with a strand of your hair instead. “I think it’s time you went to bed, sweetheart.”

“No, I’m finnne!” you swore, though your drooping eyelids told him otherwise. He gave you a look, which made you whine and roll off his lap, crawling to the floor and starting to make your way towards his bedroom. “You’re such a bully,” you whined as you slowly crawled your way down the hallway, Roger following close behind and rolling his eyes.

“Do you want to sleep on the floor tonight?” he warned, which made you crawl faster and scramble into his bed when you got to his room. “That’s what I thought.”

“I’m sorry, Rog, I didn’t mean it,” you whined, crawling under his covers and peeking out at him as he started to get ready for bed. “Thank you for taking care of me tonight,” you added, wanting to get back on his good side. “I really ‘preciate it, honestly. You’re the best.”

“That’s my job,” he reassured, pulling off his shirt and tossing it in his dirty laundry as you watched him. You admired his remarkably slender build that contradicted somewhat with his status as a drummer. He didn’t have any remarkably prominent muscles on him, but he was still toned, and though his hair was longer, he didn’t seem too feminine to you in the dim light that was coming through his blinds from the city lights outside. Though, would it matter if he did look feminine? You found yourself thinking that Roger was attractive to you in any state, drunk or sober, angry or happy, mean or nice, any way, any day.

“You’re my faaavorite, Roggie,” you said affectionately, overwhelmed with admiration for him all of a sudden.

Roger laughed at that, glancing back at you before going over to his closet. “I’d bloody hope so.”

“You don’t have to take care of me, like this, you know?” you mumbled, still watching him as he searched for some pajama pants in his piles of clothes. “I know I can be a bit much, and you’re soooo fucking wonderful for putting up with me,” you continued on, Roger smirking at that. He found a pair of pajama pants, which he started switching into, so you looked at the ceiling out of courtesy and started to close your eyes. “I mean it, Rog. You’re the best, you treat me wayyyyy too well. There’s nothing keeping you here-”

“Well, it’s my flat,” he interjected, making you open your eyes again and shoot him a dirty look. “I’m sorry, go on about how I’m the best,” he laughed, starting to crawl into bed with you and making you scoot over as he laid on his side next to you, watching you expectantly with his head propped up on one hand. You were suddenly nervous, Roger no closer than he’d ever been to you before. You’d slept in the same bed before, but you’d never felt so much love for him all at once while in such close proximity. Unable to filter yourself, you continued.

“I meant, like, I’m just me and that’s alright, I guess, but there’s no reason for you to stick around and take all my bullshit like you do. Like, you’re not my boyfriend or anything,” you rambled, both you and Roger not sure where you were going with this. The alcohol still coursing through your body propelled you, however, and you kept talking. “But I’on’t know, I always thought you’d end up my boyfriend, as much as you put up with me, but I’ve pretty much just given up that idea. You keep sticking around anyways, honestly kind of scamming yourself, you are,” you admitted, avoiding eye contact with Roger and instead looking at his collarbones as you played with the duvet nervously. You knew you’d started to say too much, but your stupid feelings wouldn’t stop coming out because you were so nervous and Roger being right there made you even more nervous.

“You thought we’d end up dating?” Roger asked, no hint of emotion in his voice to suggest he leaned either way on the issue. He was asking more for a clarification, which made you even more shaky as you tried to compose a response that wasn’t horridly revealing. However, that worked out about as well as it could, considering the amount of alcohol you’d consumed before leaving the bar.

“I guess, yeah,” you mumbled, still afraid to look up at him. “Fred’s always teasing me about when you’re going to ask me out, so I guess after a certain point… I didn’t mind the idea of it anymore?” The last part of the sentence came out as more of a question, and you squeezed your eyes shut, mentally smacking yourself for sounding so terrified. Fuck it. I’m already this far gone, why not just let it all out? “No,no, no, not I guess. I know I don’t mind the idea anymore. Actually, I’m a bit bummed you still haven’t asked me out. What’s with that?”

“Very subtle, Y/N,” Roger teased, reaching up to replace a stray hair that had fallen into your face. “Fred’s been bothering you about me, has he? I’ll have to tell him off tomorrow.”

“Oh, please don’t!” you begged, quickly looking up at him with a desperate look in your eyes. “He’ll know that I told you that I fancy you and then I’ll never hear the end of it!”

“Well, now there’s news,” Roger commented, a blush creeping on to your cheeks as you realized how stupidly you’d just told him how you felt about him. Shit, you’ve done it now, Y/N. “You never said you fancy me, love, not until just now. What’s with that?”

“Oh, forget it,” you groaned hopelessly, rolling over to face away from him and pulling the covers over your head. The room felt like it was spinning as you laid there in the dark, and you took a few deep breaths to calm down. “Forget I even said that, I’m sloshed and don’t know what I’m doing.”

Roger began to laugh, tugging the covers back down and booing you. “Oh, boo you, I was just taking the piss. Look at me, I’m sorry! I won’t do it again.” You reluctantly rolled back over, giving him the stink eye as you kept the covers pulled up to your shoulders, trying to hide as much vulnerability as possible. “Now, back to the asking you out thing, when did Fred start to bother you about this?”

You wracked your brain, struggling to pull memories through the muddle of alcohol and embarrassment, but you finally recalled at least an approximate date and managed to choke it out. “A couple months ago, maybe?”

“Damn! He was supposed to keep his mouth shut,” Roger cursed, mainly to himself. “Also, you’ve been taking this from him for two whole months?”

“Yeah,” you admitted reluctantly, sounding ashamed. Then, your brain latched on to what he said before, and starting racing as you tried to figure out what he’d meant. “Freddie was supposed to keep his mouth shut about what?” you pried, suddenly propping your head up on one hand too.

Roger chuckled, then shook his head and laid down on his back, his eyes lazily tracing around the ceiling as he answered nonchalantly. “Well, if you must know, I told him I’d been thinking about asking you out a couple months ago, when we were recording one night. But I’d honestly been having so much fun and going out with you anyways these last few months, I didn’t even think about it anymore. I thought he’d zipped it, but that worked about as well as I should have expected… Lead singers, they have such big mouths.”

Your face broke out into a wide grin as you processed what he was saying. “God, I better be sober enough now to remember this in the morning,” you murmured, rubbing your eyes to stop the room from spinning and hardly believing what had just went down.

“I’ll convince you it was a dream,” Roger taunted, looking over at you only to receive more stink eye from you.

“I’m going to write it down right now so I don’t forget,” you stated, climbing over him and out of the bed in a determined fashion, Roger trying to grab you to keep you from leaving but failing. You clumsily made your way over to his desk and grabbed a pencil and his journal that he wrote songs in, flipping through the pages to find an empty one while Roger untangled himself from the duvet that you’d gotten him wrapped up in.

“Hey, don’t read that!” he exclaimed, nearly falling off the bed as he tried to scramble over to you, so you ran out of the room, nearly slipping in the hallway as you made your way to the bathroom and locked yourself in. Roger got there two seconds too late, banging on the door as you leaned against the other side, knowing the lock wouldn’t hold long if he had a key. “Are you mad, Y/N? Give me my song book!”

You ignored him, figuring he genuinely didn’t want you to remember what he’d confessed, and kept going through the pages. On your quest to find an empty one, something caught your eye as you flipped through quickly, and you stopped. Going back, you realized that it was your name that had gotten your attention, and you got back to the page to find a song titled after you.

Curiosity got the best of you and you started reading his scribblings as best as you could. You realized it was a love song, and your heart soared as you smiled wider than you figured you ever had. Roger liked you as much as you fancied him, and now you had proof.

You heard Roger start to unlock the door with a key so you unlocked it anyways, swinging it open to find a disheveled Roger. His hair was unkempt, the duvet still caught around his foot, and he was looking at you wildly as he tried to rationalize what to do next. You were just smiling at him, his song book still open to the page you were just reading, and you held it up to show him.

Visibly deflating, he snatched the song book from you and put a hand on your upper back, pushing you firmly but gently in the direction of his room like you were a small child in trouble for getting out of bed past bedtime.

“I didn’t write that,” he lied lamely, just making you giggle and laugh as you entered his room, crawling back into his bed. “It was… Brian. Yeah, Brian borrowed my journal and wrote that about you! Right weirdo, he is. I don’t write that mushy crud like him and Deacy.”

He leaned on his desk with one hand to reach down and unwrap the duvet from his ankle, and when he looked back up at you, you were still grinning and giggling at him. He sighed, mainly at himself, and came back over to the bed, tossing the duvet over you before reluctantly crawling back into bed with you and laying on his back, staring at the ceiling.

“Whatever you say, Rog,” you finally replied, Roger groaning softly as he refused to recognize he was on the embarrassing side of things now. However, when you curled up against his side and draped your arm loosely over his stomach, he didn’t push you away.

In fact, as you drifted off peacefully, he even smiled a bit and wrapped an arm around you protectively, drifting off himself as he realized that, no matter how embarrassing, he’d finally gotten what he’d wanted after all this time – you.

#roger taylor imagine #roger taylor x reader #queen imagine #i did this instead of doing homework hahaha #oops #roger taylor

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waywordwriter · 5 years

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Writober day 1: something with a crow

Hi! So I managed to do this today. It probably only got done because of the sub in biology but that's not the point.

(I've never posted my own writing on here other than the writblr secret Santa so here we go)

This is also on my wattpad

__________

"I swear its following me!" I screech, half at my friend and half at the beady eyes watching me from a power pole.

"Its not following you, you're just paranoid. If you are constantly seeing crows its probably because this area is packed with them. Our neighborhood literally has crows in the name." My friend says trying to lead me on from where I stood, glaring into a birds eyes.

"I am not paranoid." I mutter, letting myself be dragged towards my house, unable to shake the feeling that that crow was still watching me. I couldn't help but feel like my wrong doings were being laid out for that bird to see, and he was judging me for it.

Shit I am paranoid aren't i?

After shuffling out of sight of those beady eyes and making my way up to my room to do some homework. I sat there for 10 minutes, just staring at the piece of paper in front of me. I decide to go flop onto my bed since the paper in front of me became incomprehensible about 5 minutes ago.

And then there was a loud thunk at the window. I looked out the window to see a bird laying just outside. I go to lay back down since this was nothing new. But there was another thunk after a few minutes. And one more again after a few more minutes. I finally get up, just to make sure that its still a bird and not something else. A crow sat outside, its dark eyes almost looked like there was anger inside.

It saw me through the window, but didn’t fly away. Instead it crawled closer to the window and started pecking at the corner of the window. I started backing away, not really wanting to get into… whatever was going on here. I know that in a lot of cultures, crows were bad omens, and i didnt want to find out if that was true. But the further i backed away, the louder the pecking got.

“Does it want to come in?” I mutter to myself. The crows head perked, like it had heard me. It suddenly flys off, and i let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. I turn back to my homework, suddenly grateful for the distraction. I got out my copy of the alchemist since my brain was too fried to do math. I was still on edge, so I wasn't comprehending much of what i was reading. I sighed, trying to get myself to relax. I didnt want to admit even to myself how much that had spooked me.

I thought back to what had happened, and that crow. Its eyes hadnt been normal, but they hadn’t been entirely human either. I sighed again, this time i told myself that it didnt mean anything, and i am being an idiot. I went back to reading the alchemist, trying to get lost in a made up world to drown out the real one.

"Nice to see you actually being productive for once." A cool and oddly calming voice said behind me. But after what just happened, no matter how calming a voice could be it still made me panic. I started hyperventilating and couldn't comprehend anything.

Suddenly I felt myself calming down and felt something feathery on my arm. A person knelt beside me, his body covered In a mix of feathers and skin. The only thing i recognized were his black eyes, they were the crows. Not entirely human, not entirely animal. Not really anything mortal. They were the crows eyes. This time I thought that, I realized what it means."you, your-"

"Your guardian angel? The one who just saved you from a full blown panic attack? Yep it's me. In the flesh. And er… feathers I guess."

"Guardian angel? Really? And you take the form of a crow?"

"Hey I have to go unnoticed dont I? So this is the perfect form to take!"

"Whatever. I'm pretty sure this is a dream anyway."

The Crow Man pinched his eyebrows. "You know what? You're probably too stubborn to believe me without me like punching you in the face. So I'm going to put you to sleep and when you wake up tomorrow and go to school I'll be waiting for you on top of the flagpole."he said, touching his hand back to my arm.

Le time skip

I woke up in the same place I had fallen asleep, and had a pain in my neck from falling asleep in an awkward position. I look down at my desk and realize that I hadn't done my homework the night before. That crazy crow man- dream.

Time skip to school

My friend saw me glance up at the flag pole, where a crow with not so mortal eyes glaring down at me. 'Believe me now?' They seemed to be asking. I shook my head.

"See? Paranoia." My friend said beside me. I elbowed him.

"I swear I'm right." I say, chuckling. And headed off to school, feeling eyes follow me in.

______

Wc: 854

#writeblr #writober #my writing #Jamies short stories

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fairyscribbles · 6 years

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Boiling Bite. (Chanyeol, Wolf!au) 2/2

Hello guys! A few little changes!

I will try to again re-update a lot of the lists that I have here, because not only they were not up to date, they are a bit glitched, as I saw when uploading that Baekhyun story!

I also thought of putting up my ko-fi link again. I stopped doing it for a while because I was pretty content, but as I started working, my financial needs rose up as well, due to travel, food etc etc. I am also really shooting to go to the JLPTs again and obtain the highest level (N1). For that, I need the books for it. I already bought the grammar book, so I need the vocab, kanji and reading so I can prepare and hopefully go try out the summer dates of the test!

It’s also a bit hard to update for me now not only because of school but also because of the house renovation. My desk is really cluttered from all the things I’ve had on shelves and my laptop has been connected to the TV for about three weeks now and has been exclusively used for Netflix ^^’ I did go back to writing into notebooks though, and I’m biting through a few of the requests. Who knows, maybe once I’m done, I will open them again!

Well now, after this super long essay, let’s enjoy the second part of the Kris story I have posted a while back!

If you need to refresh your memory, here is the first part! If you like what you read, you can support me on ko-fi!

♥

Everything burned and everything hurt. You didn’t remember when was the last time you were conscious for more than five minutes. The pain always knocked you out before you could go insane with it.

You could clearly remember that night... the dark alleyway... Kris’ mate crying into her phone, begging Kris to come and save you.

The two vampires standing, ready to pounce.

You stepping between the vampires and Kris’ mate.

And then the bite.

It was as if somebody suddenly poured acid into your veins and the blood carried it all over your body. It felt horrible. You wanted to die as you felt the ice cold fangs digging into you, sucking the life out of you.

It might’ve been gone in a few seconds, but it felt like hours to you.

They came and saved you. But it was too late, as you crumbled to the ground and you screamed in pain.

You felt someone, Chanyeol probably, picking you up and cradling you to him, but it didn’t do anything with the horrible pain that coursed through your body.

That’s when you blacked out the first time.

The first time you came to was when you felt someone settle down next to you.

“Ch-Chan…” your voice was too raspy for you to continue, a coughing fit interrupting your question.

“It’s me, ___.” Answered the voice that did not belong to your mate. Kyungsoo wiped at your forehead, the wet cloth gathering the sweat that trickled down your face.

“What…what…happene-“

“You were bitten. It’s the werewolf genes and vampire saliva that’s making you hurt.” You whimpered as the washcloth trailed down your face onto your neck, to the bite mark. A strangled scream ripped through your throat when the cloth dabbed at the wound and you immediately cowered from the pack’s healer. You heard him apologize, but everything was pronounced so slow and the way your eyelids seemed to drop, you knew you were out of it once again.

“Alright, ___. We need to get some of the bad blood out. This is going to hurt a lot, so we’re going to do it by bits, alright?”

You slowly grew accustomed to the pain, you were beginning to understand how it worked, how it always came in waves at you. It could’ve been two days since Kyungsoo’s visit, but it could’ve been two weeks as well.

You nodded shakily, tilting your head to the side and revealing your neck to him. Kyungsoo sighed, placing everything he was holding onto the nightstand before looming over you, his lips on your neck.

“Try to hold on as long as possible…” he mumbled quietly, his breath ghosting over your skin, before his lips closed over the wound. The first suck had you arching against him in a scream, your fists bunching in his shirt. You screeched, pleading for him to stop, trashing from side to side. You could feel the lift slipping from you from every suck by Kyungsoo’s lips. It ended just a few seconds after, yet it felt like eternity.

Kyungsoo spit out the blood he held in his mouth, its color a washed out red and more yellow than anything else.

“You did great, ___.” Kyungsoo gently stroked your cheek, trying to somehow calm you down.

“Chan…” you coughed heavily after that.

“What was it, ___?”

“Where…is…Ch-Chan…Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo fell silent for quite a while after that. Every passing second was like a dagger to your heart.

“He’s out hunting. He left three days ago, he didn’t come back yet.” Kyungsoo told you and yet you somehow knew it was a lie. You swallowed the tears that crept up on you and nodded to the tense Kyungsoo.

“You should try to get some sleep, ___-ah. We’ll try to get out more tomorrow.” His voice was gentle as if he was talking to a child. You nodded again, the grip of consciousness already slipping past your hands.

The last thing you thought of was Chanyeol’s voice, desperately calling your name.

Chanyeol sighed as he walked through the door. His body was full of kinks and soreness that wouldn’t be able to go away even after extended rest. As if he could do that, anyway.

For the past few days, he hadn’t thought about anything else, but revenge. He spent the past three days hunting down a vampire coven, making sure he would get every and single one of those suckers.

He kicked off his muddy boots and entered the house, his jacket a bloody pool on the floor. As he passed the mirror, he noticed the deep bags under his eyes and hallowed face.

He was only a ghost of what he used to be. He felt it, in his skin, his bones, in his very form, something changed. And he didn’t know how he would bring it back.

They switched every day. At first, only Kyungsoo would come, but later on, Suho replaced the healer, calling in Jongin to hold you down while sucking out the poison. The day after, the two switched and after that, Minseok and Luhan took their turns in trying to make you feel better.

You had already filled a whole glass with the yellowish substance and your mind was free from the sticky mist that clouded your senses.

It had its downfall, as it made the pain of healing clearer and the realization that since the night you’ve been bitten, Chanyeol hasn’t seen you once. Not a single time you felt his presence beside you and that made you tear up.

You probably disgusted him. You were bitten. And broken. Who in the right state of mind would want a broken mate? You thought as Kyungsoo gave your neck one hard last suck.

“Kyungsoo…” you choked out, stuttering over the lump in your throat.

“Yes? What is it?” he answered after cleaning his mouth, the poison still rocking slightly in the cup.

“K-Kill me.” You sobbed, the tears sneaking up on you. You could almost feel Kyungsoo freeze.

“What?” he wanted to you repeat as he slipped his hands around yours. You gripped him desperately.

“Please, just…let me have it over with. Just kill me and let that be…it.”

“Are you crazy? What about Chanyeol?” his voice sounded as if he still didn’t believe what you were saying. You swallowed the lump in your throat and looked at the ceiling, illuminated by moonlight.

“He…he doesn’t care about me anymore.” You had to wait a moment after saying that to calm yourself down. It was far too painful.

“I don’t blame him, though.” You added with a smile, even through the tears.

“Who would want a mate that is tainted by the enemy?” Kyungsoo squeezed your hand, rubbing circles into your skin with his thumb.

“That is the stupidest thing I’ve heard, ___. And I’m in a pack with Jongin, which means I’m listening to stupidities on a daily basis.” You could hear the smile in his voice and you couldn’t help but to chuckle shortly.

“Chanyeol wants you all the time. NO matter how you act, look or feel.”

“Then why isn’t he here?” Kyungsoo was quiet for a long time, weighing out his options. IN the end, he sighed, shaking his head.

“I would like to know that, too.” He rubbed your hand some more. It wasn’t the same thing as being comforted by your mate, but it came close.

“Just go to sleep, ___. You did good today.” You squeezed Kyungsoo’s hand one last time, before slowly rolling on your side. You instinctively awaited Chanyeol’s arms wrapping around you and pull you to him, but that never came.

Before Chanyeol could sigh and slip off his jacket, he was shoved back by a furious looking Kyungsoo.

“You need to start taking care of your mate.” He growled in a low tone, his eyes flickering gold.

“I am.” Chanyeol mumbled under his breath, trying to keep his cool.

“I’m avenging her. Killing every motherfucker I can get my eyes on.”

“She doesn’t need that. She needs you. But you’ve been too much of a pussy to face her.”

“What?” Chanyeol hissed, his beast stirring. Kyungsoo’s face showed he was being serious about what he said.

“I said, you’re too much of a pussy to look at her. You need to start taking care of her.”

“Do you even know how it fucking feels like? Being in my place?” Chanyeol asked, his tone menacingly passive as he came closer to Kyungsoo.

“Do you know the fucking feeling, when the person you love the most, the person you would die for, gets hurt? Like that? In front of your own fucking eyes?!” Chanyeol’s growl gradually turned into roaring.

“Do you even know how I feel when I walk around the room and I hear her screaming? Because I was unable to help her? Do you know the feeling?”

“And do you fucking know what you’re doing to her now? Did you even know that she asked me to kill her yesterday?” Kyungsoo’s words were like a thousand daggers, stabbing into his heart. As he heard about your wish to die, his knees buckled.

“W-What?” Kyungsoo smiled grimly as Chanyeol’s shock-ridden state.

“She thinks you don’t want her anymore. She told me that you probably think of her as disgusting since she was bitten by a vampire.” Chanyeol sighed deeply, sliding down the wall he was leaning against.

“Fucking hell…” he muttered, running his fingers through his hair. Kyungsoo knelt down next to him, laying his hand on Chanyeol’s shoulder.

“Look, I’m not going to try to convince you that it wasn’t your fault. You wouldn’t listen to me anyways. But killing vampires won’t help her. She needs you close. She needs to know that she’s still wanted.” Chanyeol sighed, nodding. He was too weak to say anything else.

“The sucking of the poison is very painful for her. She needs her mate. If you would do it, the poison will be gone in a few days.” When Chanyeol still didn’t answer, Kyungsoo patted his back once more and he stood to leave.

“Kyungsoo…”

“Hmm?” he turned around to look at Chanyeol. Only then he noticed how the biting affected him. He looked like hell- there were big bags under his eyes, his clothing hung on his disappearing frame and his shoulders seemed slumped with eternal luggage.

“Thank you. For everything.” Kyungsoo smiled softly.

“We’re brothers, Chanyeol. I would do anything for you.” At this Chanyeol smiled slightly.

“Even so. Thank you so much.”

You stirred when your bed dipped with another weight settling on it. Your fever had gone up again, so you didn’t recognize what was happening until the unknown person cupped the back of your neck and tilted your head to the side. Your blood started running faster as you realized what’s happening.

“No, Kyungsoo…” you whimpered quietly, your fists balling into his shirt. The body seemed different from Kyungsoo’s though.

“Please, no more…” you tried to cover the wound by tilting your head, but he nudged it aside with his nose. As you tried to fight back, more weight settled over you.

“Calm down, ___-ah…” a low voice rumbled above you and you suddenly knew who it was.

“Chanyeol?” he answered you with a hum, as he lightly licked your neck. Your breath hitched and you wound your hands around his torso, bringing him close. Chanyeol swiped his tongue over the wound once more before he closed his lips around it, giving it an experimental suck. He shuddered when the bad blood entered his mouth, but it didn’t stop him from sucking harder. It was much different, the cleansing with your mate. It was almost pleasurable for the first seconds and you pushed him down onto you some more, panting quietly. Chanyeol paused a while to spit out the venom in his mouth before diving in for more. This time, it was more uncomfortable, and you squirmed against him, your hands bunching in his shirt and tugging on it, to pull him away. He stayed relentless though, as he sucked harder. The first hard suck was painful.

“Chanyeol…” you whimpered, squirming some more. Once again, he leaned away to spit out.

“One more time, baby.” He assured you, closing his mouth around the wound again.

It was painful the last time, just as it was with the others. You arched your back, trying to get him from you, you tried swinging your head from side to side, but Chanyeol’s hold on you was tight, not letting go until you actually screamed out.

He quickly spat out the remaining poison and had you in his arms in seconds, holding you against his chest securely.

“I’m so sorry, baby, I’m sorry…” he kept repeating in your hair, stroking it comfortingly.

It took a while for you to calm down and to realize that he was actually with you. After the week of separation, it seemed unnatural.

“I thought you didn’t want me anymore…” you mumbled under your breath, holding onto him tightly. He reciprocated the grip, kissing the crown of your head.

“Are you kidding me? You’re my mate. I warned you about this before you signed your soul- it’s a job for life.” You giggled tiredly- the cleansing always had a dizzying effect on you- maybe because you lost a lot of blood.

“Will you stay?” you asked, looking up at him. You didn’t let him have much of a choice. There was a small chance he would be able to get out of the grip you had on him, anyways.

“Forever.” He said, kissing your lips.

#chanyeol #chanyeol story #chanyeol scenario #chanyeol exo #exo chanyeol #exo story #exo scenario #werewolf #werewolf au #werewolf story #werewolf scenario #exo werewolf #story

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alicezan-ncgred · 5 years

Text

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative.

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this.

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too.

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin.

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better.

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression.

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that.

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD, Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind.

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue.

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt.

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly.

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling.

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode.

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell.

#Long post #tw: suicide #TW: Depression #Trigger Warning #TW #OCD #Anxiety #Chronic Depression #Bipolar Disorder #Bipolar #Mental Health #My mental health

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