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27dragons · 3 months

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The Sheer Gall

Content warning: Medical adventures. They're not graphic, but if you're particularly squeamish, be warned. Also a solid wall of text, so I'm dropping most of it behind a readmore. Basically, this is a rundown of my past week...

Last Monday evening, I popped a fever. Not a bad one, never even got all the way up to 102F (38.8C). It broke overnight, and I woke up on Tuesday with only a low-grade that eased back down to normal by lunchtime.

Tuesday evening, I developed a mild pain that ran along the bottom of my right ribcage. That was weird, but it was basically a mirror of the spot where I feel the pain when my heartburn/ulcer nonsense kicks up, but less painful, so I figured it was some weird gas or something and went to bed, figuring it would resolve by morning.

It did not resolve by morning. By Wednesday afternoon, I was weirded out enough by this mild but persistent pain go to the UrgentCare clinic and see what they had to say. What they had to say was: probably a gallstone, though because of the way UrgentCare and insurance in this country works, they couldn't order the ultrasound that was needed to be certain. But the pain was mild and my temperature was fine, so the UC doc said, "Call your primary doc as soon as you get home and make an appointment to arrange for an ultrasound. If the pain gets worse or you spike a fever, go to the Emergency Room."

Less than an hour after I got home, I started shivering. I checked and -- yep, low-grade fever. I wasn't sure that counted, so I went and curled up in bed (to warm up a bit) and took my temp every fifteen minutes or so, watching the number on the thermometer readout slowly climb. When it hit 100.1F (37.7C) (still technically lowgrade but high enough that I was pretty sure it would keep going up) I packed myself a bag and drove to the ER.

It had gone back down to just BARELY over normal by the time I got there, which made me think they were probably going to just confirm that it was still early stages, not a problem yet, and send me home again. The ER ordered an ultrasound, and eventually the ER doc came and told me it was definitely gallstones but it didn't look urgent enough to operate that night, so they were probably going to send me home with instructions to contact the surgical center in the morning to make an appointment, pretty much like I thought. He was just waiting to confirm that with the surgeon on duty. Half an hour later, the surgeon on duty came into my room and said, "The Thursday operating schedule is already completely booked, so we're going to jump the queue by scheduling you before all the other surgeries, at 7:00." Basically, he agreed that it wasn't enough of an emergency to operate immediately, but it was urgent enough that he didn't want to wait until Friday.

So they admitted me to the hospital proper at about 10pm, and moved me up to the surgical ward. It was very early Thursday morning by the time the nurse had finished collecting information and setting me up with an antibiotic drip while I texted my family and boss to let them know what was going on. At about 4am, they started prepping me for the surgery, and five or so hours after that, I woke up in Recovery.

I spent most of Thursday groggy and trying to figure out how to move when my abdominal muscles had decided to take some time off. My dad drove up to sit with me for a few hours, and that evening the Ex brought the Things to see me. That evening, the night nurse made me get out of bed and take a few laps around the ward, which I didn't want to do (and I stubbed my little toe on the base of the IV pole like five times) but did help enormously with the weird gas pressure and bloating left over from the surgery.

The surgeon woke me up at about 6:30 Friday morning to show me a bunch of pictures he'd taken of the inside of my body, go over the points of the surgery with me, give me my post-surgical restrictions and instructions, and tell me he would leave discharge orders in the computer for me when I was ready to go. I was back home by lunchtime, and honestly it only took that long because they have a policy that you can't drive yourself home from the hospital, so I had to arrange for my sister-in-law to come pick me up. (My brother and dad coordinated retrieving my car from the ER parking lot that afternoon.)

I could tell a bunch more anecdotes about things that happened in the hospital -- conversations I had with the various nurses, misadventures with my IV, overlapping but unrelated other medical/body issues, my selection of TV to watch, and the delusional patient in the room two down from mine -- but here's the thing I want you guys to remember, most of all:

The only initial warnings I got were an intermittent low fever and mild but persistent pain. That's it. If I hadn't been weirded out by the persistence of the minimal pain, my gall bladder might well have ruptured a day or so later and left me with a much worse problem to deal with.

Pay attention to your bodies, guys. It will tell you when something's wrong... but it may not be speaking very loudly.

#my boring life #about me #medical problems and care #pique queue

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magpies-gold · 4 months

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I may have finally unlocked the thing what turns my unhealthy overproductive causes-me-burnout creativity into enjoyable creativity - and it's called working off of vibes.

In the past I've tried just taking breaks from being creative, but that never works. Doing things other than being creative just feels like I've put myself in time out from the thing I actually like doing. Ultimately, I want to be creative. I love making art! I love writing stories! I genuinely get life from being my artistic self like.... all the heckin' time. It's all I genuinely want to do is make stuff. What I don't get life from is making it a grind. Working to rigid schedules, focusing on daily goals and - oh my lord, I despise the push to monetize it. I'm leaning hard away from that these days, and I'm not sure how far I'll ultimately take my aversion to pursuing profit from my creative ventures. It doesn't make me significantly happier to make money off of it (even though sometimes it's necessary, like when disaster strikes and I don't readily have four digits in the bank account to fix whatever's exploded), especially when making money comes with added stress from things like figuring out the taxes on what I've made, and the horrors of the perpetual chase to make more money. The emotional balance trends towards the negative and I'm over it. So I'm attempting a vibes-based approach - doing things when it's good for me to, and in a way that is fun. Some of it's a bit of concerted de-programming: for example, my webcomic is a source of truly bad habits for no good reason. It exists only on my Patreon, and it is exceptionally obscure and always was. There is very little point in wearing myself out trying to pour twenty hours a week into a new page every single week just because one is supposed to stick to a schedule, but over the last decade or so I programmed myself very well to do just that. Getting out of that rut so that I can have a healthy relationship with it again is a fight, but I'm winning. I want to chase the short term happy of getting a new page queued up every Monday, but instead I'm refusing to do so. If the page is done, I queue it up a few days late. And then the next week a few days later than that. Always a different number of days, pushing it out of sync so that I can't fall back into routine and neither can my handful of readers. I did not ever promise them a schedule. A schedule is bad for me. Result? I (mostly) drew three pages this weekend and enjoyed it. They're not done, but I made a heck of a dent and didn't feel gross about it. I'll finish them over the course of the next week or so, in bits and pieces rather than forcing myself to sit still for hours at a time until the page is done. I should be stopping when I'm done. I'm also way happier with the art I'm making. I'm still churning it out quick, but the lack of self-imposed deadlines means that I can have fun with it. I'm doing similar things with my writing. It's nice when I can keep Alpha Base moving forward, but for the last while I've been muddling around in different directions than forward and it's actually getting the creative wheels spinning in my head better than the methodical one-step-in-front-of-the-other approach. If I have a hankering to jump elsewhere in the plot and write a scene, I do. If I need to explore an aspect of a character that technically falls into a prequel (because dang it, I'm starting to develop prequel material) then I go for that. If writing a drabble that might not even land in the book, or any of the book(s), is what I need, then I'm doing that, and it doesn't matter if I'm "ready" to or "there yet" - I'm just doing it. Vibes. It's all worthwhile. Hell, I spent most of the weekend writing a purely fluff scene (me! writing fluff!) between two of my antagonists and I think that was one of the best ways to spend a weekend. I feel damn good about it and learned a ton about them both. I think I even know where in the book to put it, and I sure didn't when I started writing. Didn't know that would happen! Life's too short to spend turning everything into a dang job. I just want to play. So to hell with it. We play.

#art #writing #creativity #play is important #VIBES

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cloneficgiftexchange · 8 months

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clone fic gift exchange: frequently asked questions

this will be linked on the pinned post of the blog, and it is more general, as it’s intended to be used for all clone exchanges i run here in the future, as well as the one that's currently being organized as i’m posting this. if you have any other questions, please feel free to reach out and ask :)

why do i need an email to sign up?

i use a secret santa generator to randomly assign matches, as it's way easier for me and has been very successful in the past, and that requires an email address. i have an email account that i use specifically for fandom things (exchanges, zines, etc), and i highly recommend it for anyone who wants to keep themselves more organized (or doesn't want to give out their personal email!)

can i still join if i only read or write a few clones?

yes!! as long as the common denominator character is on your list, you can absolutely participate! i ensure that everyone has at least one character (usually it's rex) on the list of clones they are okay to receive, so this way if you see who you have and you're like "i don't know/don't like any of the other names here," you can just write for the common denominator. there are several protections i put into place for each exchange in order to ensure the comfort of the participants, and this is one of them.

is there a limit on clones we can put down as ones we'd want to receive?

technically no, but i would advise you to choose no more than six or seven of them. for some people a giant list of potential clones may be great, but for others it may be way too overwhelming. there also may be certain exchanges where the options are limited to a certain number, such as the bad batch.

should i be writing my person's favorite clone?

you can write any of the clones on your person's list. i do not ask for a favorite clone at sign up because i see it as another protection on behalf of the participants. If someone's favorite clone is one that the person who has them isn't really into, i wouldn't want to make anyone feel pressured to write them or bad if they don't choose them. in order to further remove this bias, i place all the clones names in alphabetical order on the prompt document.

i don't write smut, can i still join?

absolutely!! i myself don't read or write it either, and i make sure to ask about the comfort level of participants regarding smut on the sign up. you can find a whole post i did about that here.

what's the posting situation like?

when the exchange day finally arrives, you'll post your fic on your blog and tag me so i can reblog it here! if you're done with your fic early, i ask that you hang onto it so we can all post together.

other than the exchange day, is there a specific time to post?

since we're all in different timezones, the only requirement i have about timing is that you post at some point during the 24 hour window in which it is exchange day for you. that will be different for someone in australia vs someone in new york, and that's totally fine. i usually don't start tracking people down who haven't posted until the monday after the exchange, and if you're really worried you'll miss it, you can schedule a post to go up at a certain time too. deadlines for sign ups are always in eastern standard time though, simply because that's the time zone i'm in.

#cfge.faq

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tinystepsforward · 1 year

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i am so fucking sad tonight and i used to put that stuff on here like a decade ago so here we are again ig. just.

really horrid combination of things happening right now and it makes me extra upset bc i'm into my second month on low-dose t and the first month was going so fucking well for like. being conducive to the last of my trauma recovery? and then, of course, recovery isn't linear and also my parents seem intent to retraumatise me whenever they can. but like.

english terf hits our shores

completely inescapable discourse, and also targeted abuse, on twitter and elsewhere. also i wrote an op-ed bc our media are useless and we need at least a few trans voices out there (hopefully it does get picked up, but it was gruelling to write)

my mother switches from spreading conspiracy theories about climate change to a sudden and vicious focus on trans people. not that she ever stopped being a bigot but usually it's one post every few months about how conversion therapy works and not several posts a day from people who want trans people murdered

scheduled to be interviewed for a study on conversion therapy survivors on tuesday

scheduled to go on holiday with my family on thursday. i booked a separate room so i won't have to attempt to take my (oral, twice daily with food, specifically bc the endo didn't want me on injections until we knew for sure i wouldn't need to suddenly stop t to avoid extended ptsd episodes) testosterone around family who would be very willing to attempt conversion therapy round fucking four on me

i have no idea if my job will still be there for me when i get back from this scheduled leave bc [gestures at tech companies and ai]

conference all day monday (tomorrow, technically) that i know will eat all my spoons, and that doesn't cater for my dietary needs so i'll have to pack food

and it's like. i am so sad. i am so so sad. i have been making a concerted effort w my family because my paatti (dad's mother) is in town, the one i've talked about before who doesn't know i'm gay and married bc my parents have prevented that happening. and i feel so lonely and so cut off bc as a diaspora/migrant family, and a mixed one at that, my only connection to my cultures is via my parents who fucking hate who i am. so i've been trying to hang out with her when they're not around. i said yes to this vacation, we'll get more time together and some pictures and stuff.

but i'm still fielding her questions about why i don't have a boyfriend. and my parents have decided to, right when i'm most stressed about being trans, and about connection to family, be the worst people they can be about it again i guess? and it's true that my conversion therapy/parental/religion trauma is the stuff i've never come back around to working on in therapy bc my parents are actively reopening the wound every few months and it's. hard to work with that.

fucking like. shocking that i recovered from ptsd once, after [black box of getting csaed more times than i can count], immediately got groomed in a way that's rly fucking complicated to talk about bc my ex is a trans woman who decided to come out as a child-grooming rapist and as trans in the same month, and terfs salivate over the idea of using people like her as a cudgel, and completely forgot that approximately 300 other things, sa and otherwise, happened to me along the way to the point where my psych said she was surprised/proud i haven't killed anyone yet.

so i'm sad about all of them at once rn except the brain injury means i can only hold about two in my active memory at a time and i keep alternating which ones i'm sad about like shuffling several decks of cards really fast i guess.

#tony muses #this is a big long vent post and mentions csa #but it's not a 'don't read will delete later' you are welcome to read it #also cw terf shit and conversion therapy and parental stuff and religious trauma and idk what needs to be tagged. cultural alienation?#i am literally just sad #and transphobes are unavoidable on twt rn

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dianthus-sy · 2 years

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Day 26th. August 1st, 2022, Monday

hey guys! I hope you're all doing great. It's been a long while, I admit, and I'm really sorry for not keeping up.

I had been completely packed for the last three months, being on one extremity, compared to my schedule (I would hardly call it that) now, where I'm completely free and have nothing to do but stare at the ceiling for long hours.

I had also started 'working', perhaps it isn't the right time. never mind that.

I have been reading A LOT quite lately, since I have absolutely NOTHING else to do. A couple of days back, I finished reading a book titled 'VERITY' by Colleen Hoover (you might know her from 'it ends with us'). Her genre is technically romance, but here, she had beautifully portrayed out the eerie-ness (not a word though, but an essence) and obsession in any relationship. The plot twist is something you might not see coming.

Also, I worked in a hospital as an intern for a week; it was quite fun. it's a different environment out there, that I might not resonate with as of now, but eventually I will. You always have to stay on alert in the ER, of course, it's different for different fields. well, there's a lot of time till I reach there. But the previous week was quite thrilling; I've made 'contacts', as you might say. but i was finally relieved to talk to people of the same field though for a duration so short. You share the same brain cells, work in an environment which is homely, talk about things that only certain people in your circle understand. I've even learnt a couple of medical procedures, not that I can practice them right away, but just out of curiosity.

But now, It feels like a still world, another extremity for a person like me. Yet, I'm still adapting, still getting used to the routine. I have people around, but I still don't really have them (if you know what I mean). It feels kind of lonely, but I work more efficiently when I'm alone. So I'm just trying to devote some time to the hobbies I once had, and make them dear again.

Yesterday I was sitting on a bench in the park, alone, and wondering about various things children are oblivious to. we, as adults, have a ton of problems and responsibilities to carry but children are free and honestly happy. When was the last time you let go of all the problems and acted like a child just to find true happiness (except at the time you were drunk and couldn't think straight)? (inbox me)

Until we meet next time through words, which will be soon ;) ( I plan to write weekly, let's see where it goes. btw, there'll be a follow up post tomorrow, on a solid topic)

Till then, stay safe, stay young, stay happy and stay innocent for as long as you can.

With ♡

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raspberry-pudding · 1 month

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4/8/2024

It's been awhile since I've made a post and I think I'd like to before I have to go into work today. It's only a 5 hour shift, so it'll be over in no time, but damn -- only 5 hours? Why even be there at that point?

I've recently put my foot down about the days I'm available at work, so I finally have a consistent weekly schedule that doesn't change much. The times might change, but I'm now only available three days a week, giving me four days a week to work on my projects. I'm really excited to have a routine come back into my life. There are so many things I've put to the side this year for work, and all of them are technically much more important than this job. Ugh, I just, can't wait to have a consistent schedule, even if the times might be different every week at least it's always the same days.

Let's talk about how my weed addiction is going below the cut.

I think the last time I posted, I talked about a friend I've made who is much deeper in the addiction than I am and how that's made me feel like I'm not really an addict. I think now, even though my problem isn't as extreme as others, I do still struggle with a problem that I need to cut out of my life. I might not be smoking the entire day, or doing high doses of THC like with a dab, but I notice that it's still impacting my life and keeping me from doing things that I want to do. It's like I come home from work, I smoke, and I just zone out on TikTok the entire evening. It's been a big problem, especially because I'm getting more and more bored in the evenings.

Another reason I really need to cut it out is my tendencies to snack more on weed. Especially the indica I'm using to help me sleep now -- I have to smoke it when I'm in bed. If I don't, and I just casually smoke it in the evening while at my desk or in the living room then I will eat anything in sight. To the point that my stomach still hurts the next day. It's bad.

Thankfully, I got a hybrid that doesn't make me hungry. Still, the dispensary isn't always going to have the non-munchie stuff in stock all the time.

I can't remember if it was Wednesday or Friday now that I was watching hotdiggedydemon, or Max G, stream and he was discussing his own problems with weed in the past. Also, how he's off it now, has never felt better, and agrees that it is an addictive substance. If anything, his talk about weed made me feel really validated that what I should be doing is the right choice.

Recently, I did have an evening where I smoked three joints -- three! But it was a one off thing because otherwise I've been good to only smoke one or two joints a day. My problem now though is that the first joint usually happens around 9 or 10 AM. I think that's way too early, but on my days off I struggle to restrict myself because it's so nice to smoke then clean the house. I do need to stop, though. I can't get high that early and expect to succeed at all the other things I want to do.

I'd like to start quitting by waiting to smoke around 4 or 5 PM and going back to one joint a day to ween myself off. I know my last plan didn't go well lol, when I said I was going to keep my weed in the basement. Maybe that could still be in the cards if I need it. So far, yesterday I got off work at 2 and did well to wait until after 4 to smoke. I think it's going to be my days off where I'll struggle the most.

In my head, I always see myself meditating to get past any cravings for weed I might have. But thinking about actually doing that makes me cringe a little. It's a little woo-woo, or hippy dippy. But maybe it's something that could help me. I don't really know though.

It's hard. I feel like I know so clearly the things I need to do to quit and get back the lifestyle I want, yet taking action feels impossible. And there's no reason for it to feel impossible.

It's a Monday, and I feel hopeful for myself that this is gonna be the week. But how many times have I told myself that for the past 2 years? At some point, it has to be true though.

Iris🪻

#recovering stoner #recovery #diary #self help #tw substance abuse #tw addiction #weed addiction #marijuana addiction #sobriety

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venusgfs · 7 years

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Daffodil Garden

summary: Dan Howell is the only ordinary one in a world of remarkable people. Phil Lester is the only one that sees his lack of a power as a power in and of itself.

genre: fluff, a lil bit of angst

tw: swearing

word count: 2.7k

a/n: this idea/prompt comes from the wonderful @kaitlynnrambles thank you ilysm kait!!

Dan was always remarkably ordinary, and in the world he lived in, such a thing was dangerously unfortunate.

By the time he hit 13, he started to become aware of just how ordinary he was. When his classroom was full of invisible students, bursts of fire, and floating desks while he sat patiently, powerless hands still in his lap. When kids would run up to him, eyes bright and wide, begging to know what his superpower was, and he didn’t have a reply. When he heard his parents speak to each other in the next room, the walls thin enough for Dan to hear even the slightest of whispers.

“It’s unheard of!”

“He’ll be fine.”

“It will be rough for him.”

“He can manage.”

And from then on, Dan understood that he was different, and not in a good way.

“Hey, you must be Dan Howell!”

Dan had expected his first day of high school to go horribly wrong, so it wasn’t much of a surprise when a pair of invisible hands seized him by the collar as soon as he stepped outside for lunch. The hands were attached to Nolan McClain, who had allegedly mastered his invisible limbs by the time he was eight, and had been using them to torture others ever since.

Dan’s feet dangled in the air as Nolan tilted his head higher, bringing Dan with it. “Is it true you don’t have powers, Howell?”

“Fuck off,” Dan grunted, kicking his legs angrily.

“What are you going to do about it?” Nolan scoffed. “The only power you’ve got is a big mouth.”

Dan opened his big mouth to spit out another insult when something wrapped around Nolan, a giant vine crawling from his thigh to his neck. Dan went tumbling towards the ground as Nolan lost focus. He braced for the impact that never came, landing in an outcropping of soft grass that had suddenly grown from between the cracks in the pavement. Nolan was still struggling against the vine wrapping tighter and tighter around his body.

Dan stumbled to his feet, brushing the disheveled curls from his eyes to see a tall, black haired boy smirking at Nolan, brows furrowed with concentration, fist clenched loosely.

“You want me to make it tighter?”

It took Dan a moment to realize the boy was talking to him, and that he was also controlling the vine.

“W-won’t it crush him?” Dan stuttered.

The boy shrugged. “We can find out.”

Dan’s eyes widened so far he was certain they would bulge out of his head, before the boy tipped his head back and started laughing.

“I’m only joking, there’s no need to look so terrified.” He unclenched his fist, and the vine slithered back into the ground.

Nolan fell forward, palms scraping the pavement. The boy stepped towards him, crossing his arms.

“Picking on defenseless people is very cowardly,” he told him. “Now fuck off, for real this time.”

Nolan frowned, and Dan was worried for a second that this boy would be the next target of Nolan’s invisible attack. But to his surprise, Dan’s bully did nothing but scoff and walk away, bringing a portion of the group of students surrounding the scene with him.

“Are you okay?” the boy asked once Nolan was out of earshot.

“Uh yeah, I’m fine.”

The group of students had dispersed by now. The boy leaned forward, locking eyes with Dan. His eyes were a piercing blue color that Dan couldn’t look away from.

“So I’m guessing it's true. You don’t have powers.”

“Yeah, maybe not,” Dan mumbled, expecting the boy to step away from him like his extreme ordinariness was a contagious disease.

“Cool.”

“What?”

“That’s cool.” The boy grinned. “It’s almost like having no power is your power.”

“I wouldn’t go that far.” Dan felt himself blush. “It’s still kind of lame.”

“I don’t think so.” The boy stuck his hand out. “I’m Phil, by the way. I just moved here.”

“Dan,” Dan said, shaking Phil’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.”

The school bell rang, the monotone sound shocking Dan. Was lunch over already?

“Guess we should get to class.” Phil pulled a crumpled paper from his pocket, smoothing it out and scanning the page. “What do you have next?”

“History 9.”

“Me too!”

Phil grabbed Dan by the arm, dragging him back into the building. And for the first time since he was 13, Dan felt very safe.

Dan and Phil grew inseparable over time, Phil fending off anyone who gave Dan shit with his power over plants, which even included their sophomore English teacher on their first day of tenth grade.

“And what about you? Name and power?”

Dan cleared his throat. “Dan Howell.”

There was a heavy pause. Most of the students in Dan’s class knew about his unfortunate situation, but very few were willing to speak up about it in fear of getting in trouble. Even Phil stayed quiet in his seat, muscles tense like he was ready to attack.

“Your power, Mr. Howell?” the teacher asked. Before Dan could start the inevitable explanation, Phil stood from his seat.

“Why do you even ask to know powers anyway? What difference does it make?”

The teacher looked taken aback. “Mr. Lester. I wasn’t aware you cared so passionately about this.”

“Well now you are,” Phil replied. “Whatever power we have doesn’t make up who we are. Why not ask him what his favorite color is, or his favorite school subject, I don’t fucking know.”

The class collectively gasped at Phil’s profanity. Cussing out a teacher on the first day only spelt trouble.

“Mr. Lester I advise you watch your language and your opinions,” the teacher replied icily. “Now I don’t know why Mr. Howell can’t present this argument for himself but I’m sure he doesn’t appreciate you speaking for him.”

Phil’s jaw clenched, and he slowly sat down.

“Thank you.” The teacher sighed, as if dealing with such difficult students was taking a dramatic toll on him. “Now, Mr. Howell. I’m sorry if I may offend you but will you please tell me what your power is?”

“I don’t have one, sir.”

“Hilarious. Do you and Mr. Lester need to give the principal a little visit?”

Dan swallowed a snappy remark. “I don’t have a power, sir. I promise.”

The teacher cast a glance at Phil, and then back to Dan. “I see. You’re the one they’ve told me about.”

Phil was shaking his head angrily. “That’s it,” he muttered. Dan watched intently as Phil’s fist curled from under his desk.

“Anyway,” the teacher droned. “Who’s next?”

Instead of a reply, there was a smattering of snickers from all corners of the room. The teacher frowned. Dan stifled a smile as he watched a small flower grow from the center of their teacher’s balding head. Phil clenched his fist tighter, and the petals of the flower expanded until it was fully grown, bright yellow daffodil. The class was laughing now, the teacher growing more and more livid by the second until he gathered the place of mind to grab at the top of his head. The petals of Phil’s daffodil fell to the ground, crumbled.

“Mr. Lester, principal’s office now.”

Phil spent a lot of time at Dan’s house. Phil’s parents would argue a lot, scream at each other and throw plates and lamps and things. Their powers only made it worse. Sometimes Phil would come home to find the whole bottom floor of the house flooded. It was on those days that he retreated to Dan’s house, outcroppings of dead flowers appearing at his feet when he paced around the room.

“You should sit down and relax,” Dan tried to tell him on an especially hard day. But pacing was always Phil’s thing. He didn’t seem to notice all the dried out brown petals he left on the floor for Dan to sweep up without complaint.

“It’s hard to. I have to finish that project for chem and then that essay is due tomorrow not to mention…”

“Phil,” Dan interrupted. “Please.”

Phil rolled his eyes and promptly sat down on the floor. “There, happy now?”

“A little bit.” Dan smirked. “You wanna watch an anime or something?”

“I literally just told you how much shit I need to do and you’re proposing we watch anime?”

“Why not?” Dan shrugged, pulling his laptop closer to him and opening it up. “Might take your mind off of everything.”

“But I can’t keep my mind off of it, that’s the point. I need to keep thinking about it until I get it done that’s the only way.”

“Yeah, yeah whatever. I’ve been hearing really good things about this one called Akame ga Kill maybe we should check it out.”

Phil sighed, exasperated. “Dan.”

“Phil.”

They were locked in a silent battle. Dan eventually won, and Phil collapsed on the bed next to him, head sinking into Dan’s mountain of pillows. His dark hair was in dramatic contrast to Dan’s stark white pillowcases.

“They just suck sometimes,” Phil muttered quietly.

“What was that?”

“My parents.” Phil stared up at Dan’s ceiling as Dan watched him. “They really suck sometimes.”

“Most parents do.”

“Yeah. Mine especially, though.”

With inseparability comes the inevitable deep discussions, and no friendship understood this quite like Dan and Phil. They would talk about everything from Phil’s shitty home life to Dan’s lack of motivation when it came to working towards achieving his lofty goals.

Once, late into the night, Dan’s phone screen lit up, waking him with the notification’s bright light. It was Phil, asking if they could talk.

Dan, under the impression that he meant on the phone, answered yes along with claims that Phil definitely hadn’t woken him up, he had been awake for hours. However Phil went silent shortly after, and in a few moments Dan heard a tapping on his window. He ran a sleepy hand through his curls and padded to the window, pulling the curtains aside. Phil was waiting for him on the other side, face so close his nose was pressed against the glass.

Dan scoffed and unlocked the window, wincing as it creaked loudly when he opened it. “It’s three am Phil, what the fuck!”

“Sorry. I had to talk to you.”

Dan’s mock anger fell from his face. “Is it your parents again?”

“No. Well, I mean. They’re still pretty bad. But that’s not why I’m here.”

“Then why are you here?”

Phil exhaled loudly, plopping himself of Dan’s bed. It was hard to see him in the dark, but Dan managed to sit beside him. The cold air from the open window stung Dan’s bare back.

“So this is something I’ve been thinking about for a long time,” Phil began. “And I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell you or not because I wasn’t sure if it was real or not.”

“Okay…”

“But uh…” Phil hesitated. Dan heard him exhale again. “I think I might be gay.”

Dan blinked rapidly. He wasn’t sure how to react. He had never had anyone come out to him before. “Oh, um, okay. Well that’s awesome. I mean good. I mean fine.”

Phil laughed. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“Oh um, yeah. No problem.”

“But seriously,” Phil said again. “I’m still the same person, no reason to treat me differently or anything.”

“What? Why would I do that?”

Dan could see the vague outline of Phil’s smile in the dark. “Okay, good. I wasn’t sure.”

“I’m your best friend Phil, and if you think you being gay is going to change that, you’re delusional.”

“Thanks Dan.”

“Of course.”

Phil remained in Dan’s room for a couple of seconds, and in those couple of seconds Dan could feel something stirring in his chest. He wasn’t sure what it was, it almost felt like his heart was beating irregularly, or his lungs were constricting, without the life threatening consequences of those two events. He thought it felt kind of like his heart was expanding, opening up like the petals of a daffodil.

The feeling went away up until Dan saw Phil at school the next day.

Dan was true to his word, of course, things were normal between them. Phil kept the bullies away with a simple clench of his fist and Dan made jokes about how stupid Nolan’s new shoes were. The only thing amiss was the ever present growing sensation inside of Dan’s heart. The only time throughout the day that it went away was Dan’s only glass without Phil.

He would have to be stupid to not notice the pattern.

That night, Dan stayed up late researching the types of powers and how they are felt. He learned a lot about aggressive powers, like Phil’s plant growth or Nolan’s invisible limbs. He learned about passive powers, like invisibility or teleportation. But most importantly, he learned about emotional powers.

He learned that those with emotional powers are generally capable of sensing the strong emotions of others. Some people go insane from the amount of emotions they feel, the sadness or happiness or even fear that emit from every person they walk past. And some people can only feel the emotions when it occurs because of them. One person Dan read about explained how whenever she made someone sad she would begin to sob uncontrollably. Another man, who described himself as tall and burly, felt a shiver of fear whenever he passed someone smaller than him. It was so disturbing that he didn’t leave his home often anymore.

By the end of the night Dan was certain that he had an emotional power. And he was pretty sure he knew what emotion it was that he was sensing. Because the more Dan thought about it, the more sense it made. And the more Dan’s heart expanded with every second he was around Phil, the more he felt certain that Phil wasn’t the only one.

One night, after Dan had mustered up the courage, he called Phil. It was nearly midnight, so he was almost guaranteed to be awake.

“Hello?” he chirped on the other end.

“Hey.” Dan swallowed his fear. “Can you come over?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

Dan could hear Phil rustling, probably trying to find his shoes. “I just… need to talk to you that’s all.”

Phil paused. Dan’s breath caught in his throat. “Sure, of course. I’m on my way.

Phil appeared in less than ten minutes, Dan already opening the window before he could start tapping. He could feel the now familiar expanding in his chest starting when Phil was a minute away.

“What did you want to talk about?”

Dan stared down at his bare feet. “I think I figured out what my power is.”

Phil’s eyes widened. “No shit. You must be a late bloomer.”

“I don’t think so. I just think I hadn’t had the opportunity to… use it.”

“Well?” Phil asked impatiently. “What is it?”

Dan sat down on his bed, bracing himself for what he was about to reveal. Phil stayed standing, brows furrowed with concern.

“Dan?”

“I think that my power is being able to tell when people are in love with me.”

There was an uncomfortable pause. The first one between the two of them in their four years of friendship.

“So I’m guessing you know then?” Phil whispered.

“Yeah.” Was it Dan’s imagination or was Phil stepping closer towards him?

“And…? Are you mad?”

“Of-of course not,” Dan sputtered. “I just… I just…”

“You just what?”

“I just wasn’t sure if I felt the same way or not and it took me a long time to realize that I did and…”

Dan’s rambling was cut off by Phil’s soft lips pressed against his, one hand cupping his cheek and another on his shoulder. Dan stood awkwardly, never letting their lips separate as he wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist. The sweet scent of flowers filled his nose and it felt like his heart was bursting.

When Dan and Phil pulled apart they noticed the flower garden that had sprouted under Phil’s shoes and the vines that had crawled Dan’s walls.

“Oops,” Phil whispered, giggling like a little kid. It was contagious. Dan started giggling as well until Phil tipped forward again, sealing their lips back together.

The two remained in Dan’s room, surrounded by their daffodil garden, for the rest of the night.

#ahhh this was fun #also technically it's still monday my time so i'm keeping with my schedule #anyway yeah i felt like this was my best written fic in a while?#so enjoy i guess #phanfiction #phanfic #phan fluff #phan au #plantboy!phil #phan #franfic #100

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skillaxx · 3 years

Text

Fuel the ego | Bokuto K. x Reader

warnings: aged up characters, they/them pronouns, third person pov, cute kisses getting hot, wordless love confessions

cast: Bokuto Koutarou, Reader

¤ honorable mentions: Miya Atsumu, Sakusa Kiyoomi, Hinata Shouyou, Meian Shuugo ¤

relationships: Bokuto Koutarou/Reader

summary: Being best friends with Bokuto Koutarou has one of the best perks ever: he can lift anyone's mood up whenever it's needed. And he did exactly that for Y/n after a long, horribly tiring week at work. This time though, Y/n fuelled his ego too the moment he decided to let his feelings loose.

Monday.

"Y/n, could you do me a favor and drop by Starbucks on your way to the office?"

"I already passed it though. I took a cab today and there's traffic. I don't wanna be late."

"Please? I'll treat you to lunch."

"Uh... Fine."

"Thanks! Get two black coffees, one caramel frappuccino, and one strawberry mocha latte. Oh, and get two chocolate muffins. Gotta go, bye and thanks!"

And that's all that had to happen for Y/n's clothes to be ruined.

"You look awful today."

"It's Monday, what did you expect?"

Tuesday.

"Hey, can you go to the VP's office and tell her PA to print the documents from the last meeting that the Smith brothers signed? I think there's two contracts and one-"

"Y/n, boss needs you in his office!" One coworker interrupted the first one.

"I need them to get me the papers though."

"You can get it yourself. Y/n, the boss said it's urgent."

"Hey, guys. Y/n, could you get down to the reception and pick up the mail and papers I had delivered to me?" The third coworker showed up and interrupted both of them.

A headache? Coming right up.

Wednesday.

It was going great. Until...

"Y/n, you didn't send the contract copy to our client from Germany!"

"Sir, I'm not assigned to that project-"

"You are now. That client is so important and could sue us if we don't bring them all the information that should be on point, completely perfect. I want you to work on it. Send it to them right now."

"Yes, sir." Turning to a coworker in a cubicle next to theirs, Y/n looked at them, in need of help. "Hey, do you have that contract on your computer?"

"No, I think the office next door deals with international clients. Go ask them. Also, did you eat something in the morning? Your stomach's kinda bloated."

Luck? Happiness? Confidence? No way in hell is that going to get anywhere near Y/n.

Their boss did come at the right time though and saved them before they were supposed to answer after the nasty comment their coworker left them. A comment that ran through Y/n's head for the rest of the day, the mind forcing them to suck the stomach in when they pass by people who might steal glances at their appearance.

"The client said they're gonna wait until 8 pm. Please, get those freaking papers from the front office. Alice will give them to you."

"Yes, sir."

On their way, they thought they could just go back to their own stuff after getting the papers for the client, but...

"Hey, Y/n. Could you stroll down the street and get me and the girls-"

Thursday.

"I don't think that will be possible, I've already spoken to them. Please contact them-"

"I don't want to hear shit. Isn't that your job? Call the damn investors again and tell them to either lower their fucking expectations or give us more money."

"Ma'am, please use appropriate language. And I called them, they said they need to get in check with you too-"

"I don't have time for this. Check the whole plan and send it to your VP for a technical. The investors will wait until we're completely done with the scheduling and arrangements. Then they can wail all they want."

Friday.

"They are really difficult to work with. I don't think I've ever stumbled upon such clumsy interns in my life before."

"They're interns, it's okay if they're clumsy. They still need to learn. Keep an open mind, help them here and there and everything will work out."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. But if one of them asks me for permission to go to the bathroom again I swear I'll-"

"Doing nothing again, you two?" A coworker interrupted the other ones nagging that was supposed to fill out Y/n's lunch break and let them keep on working on their paperwork for the day afterward. Someone, however, had other plans for them. "Y/n, please go take VP's schedule for tomorrow, there's some meeting she and the CEO will be attending and I need to pick up my kids from school today so I gotta leave early."

"Sure." Y/n could do nothing but just sigh and say that, planning to leave their small lunch break early and doing what they were asked to do.

"Oh, also. The stocks downtown are gonna be filled on Sunday and there's no one to take care of the finances. Could you or anyone you know is free do it? They'll be at the garages at like 8 am."

"But-"

"Gotta go, see ya two Monday. Oh and Y/n? If you're going there, wear something more...well, not hideous, yeah?"

'What?'

"Hey Y/n, please go to the boss's office and ask him if the documents I sent him are all ready for me to forward to the investors from Osaka."

"But I gotta run the check-up on-"

"Y/n, you done? Let's go grab some sandwiches-"

☆Friday, after work☆

"There is no way in hell I ever signed up for this shit." Y/n mumbled while chewing a sandwich and changing the TV channels, trying to find something that will lift their mood. They knew work will be hectic and stressful sometimes, but they were no assistant nor secretary, not even an intern to have so much work to do instead of others.

Staring blankly at the TV screen, they answered a call on their phone whose ringing they could barely hear. They were too zoned out to think about anything or anyone else on a lousy Friday night, except work and how bad everything played out in the office.

"Hello?"

"Hey hey heyyy!! How's my favorite owl in the world doing~" A loud voice on the other side said making Y/n muster up a small, but honest smile.

"Hey, Bokuto... I'm- Bo?" The line fell dead silent.

"Is the reception lagging again? Fucking studios, there's never any signal here." They mumbled, feeling guilty that they couldn't talk to Bokuto due to the bad signal in this neighborhood that would stop them from doing calls once in a while. However, that was not the reason why the call was ended. And Y/n's confusion about that was cleared 30 minutes later when a knock on their front door was heard.

The unlocked door was an immediate invitation for the unexpected guest to immediately slam them open, having them swing towards the inside of the apartment just like the person who opened them. The mood changed, the atmosphere was lifted and the depressing silence was nowhere to be found. Not since Bokuto Koutarou entered the building.

"Hey hey hey!!!!"

"What... what are you doing here? What's with the bags?" Y/n asked, confused by Bokuto's sudden appearance, especially with two big bags in his hands that look like they came out of a convenience store.

"I was just in the neighborhood so I wondered why not stop by and hang out with my-"

"Bo."

"Yes?" His innocent wide-eyed look and his genuine close-mouthed smile could not encourage Y/n to go as hard on him as they wanted to. The two held eye contact for a long time before Y/n sighed and looked at the TV screen.

"You weren't just in the neighborhood, you come here like, twice a month. This place is too far from your apartment."

"Okay, you got me there. Well, we were on the phone, right? And you called me Bokuto so I came here."

"You visited because I called you by your name?" Y/n asked, turning to look at him.

"Yes! You obviously feel so down you couldn't even use my nickname so I decided to make you feel better!" He told his friend with a big smile before turning serious in a second. It was rare to see Bokuto so serious, but even he knew when was the time to be more down to earth and act accordingly to the situation. "After you tell me what happened though."

"Nothing happened." Y/n mumbled, looking at the TV screen again. They could never bring up the lies and tell them to a person like Bokuto Koutarou, no matter how small and simple they are, no matter whether a person like Bokuto Koutarou could see through them or not. Thankfully, Bokuto Koutarou was, is, and always will be someone who will be able to see through all the small and big lies, whether they are used as a cover-up or a distraction. Well, not all of them. But in this kind of situation, he could. And he wanted to do something about it.

"Liar." He said.

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Look, work was just...being work. You know, things seem like they're turning worse for me as days pass and I can't seem to get anything right." Y/n decided to confess and pour everything out before they bottled it up inside. They knew Bokuto wouldn't let the topic go until they confessed every single detail about the problem.

Y/n told him everything while the gray-haired male listened intently, picking up on every information and reading into it. He usually wouldn't bother himself with stuff like that, but for the sake of one of his closest friends, he had to. Because once he figured out the problem and its roots, he could find a solution. Although he already had a simple solution in mind, that always worked, no matter what the problem is.

"Like, through the whole week I had something bad happen to me every day. Monday, my clothes got ruined. Tuesday, everyone needed me for something at the same time. Do this, do that, go there, get that. I could barely breathe. I did the bare minimum of my actual job there. Wednesday, I got scolded for not doing something which wasn't my duty in the first place. Thursday, I fought with a client because he wouldn't call these people that pay us for this big project we're working on in Hyogo right now. We all need to stay connected and exchange information daily, otherwise if everyone is going to do their own thing, everything will go south, the project is going to get canceled and we could get sued. And Friday was just... cherry on top. Nothing special happened. But it just added to the frustration and other things I feel right now."

"Okay, that sucks. Why wouldn't they do what they gotta do but pester you about it instead? And even if it is all just work things, there's more because I can see in your eyes that you feel like a piece of shit." Bokuto spoke his mind immediately, telling his friend exactly what was going through his head at this moment while he looked deeply into their eyes, trying to figure out what was bothering them more than the stressful work hours.

"Well....uh... Some people called out my looks throughout the week, saying I look bad, that my clothes were hideous and stuff. It just... brought that small spark of confidence I have down." Y/n said, looking at their thighs and clenching their shirt in their hands tightly. A silent moment appeared. A moment that made Bokuto realize he shouldn't stay quiet for not even a second more. So he mumbled an "Oh." before standing up and walking to Y/n's laptop and type something in the Google search bar.

"What are you doing?"

"Searching for something on my Spotify."

"What are you searching for?"

"A playlist that Hinata made for my birthday a while ago. I'm letting you listen to it... and giving it to you. Listen to it whenever you feel down. Because it's time to get your self-esteem and ego up."

"Bo-"

"Nope, not hearing it. We're making you feel better and tomorrow we're going out."

"I-"

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"Why won't you let me-"

"Because. I'm going to make you feel like you're the most amazing and gorgeous person who's on top of the world. You should be able to do that yourself when I'm not around though. Whenever you feel down. Okay?" He said, sending his friend a look of strictness and Y/n could only chuckle before standing up lazily and walking over to Bokuto.

"You said Hinata made that for you?"

"Yes! And it works! Gets my mood up in a second. It did that to your mood just now. See?" He said with a big smile on his face before turning Y/n to look at themself in the mirror they had near the front door. And there it was, the smile they've been longing for. The smile that fixes everything. The smile that only Bokuto seems to successfully bring out of them.

"Now, let me do what I was supposed to do the second I walked in this place." He said, turning his friend around by their waist and pulling them in. Their bodies collided with force and Bokuto wrapped his arms around Y/n as tight as he could, pressing their bodies closer and closer together until Y/n felt like they couldn't breathe properly anymore. Burying his head in the crook of their neck, he relaxed his hold and breathed in slowly. That only lured Y/n in for them to relax too and hug Bokuto back.

"This... This was what I needed this whole time, Bo. Thank you." Y/n mumbled.

"Anytime. Always. For you." He said, smiling more to himself, wishing he could do more than just hug, before releasing Y/n from his hold, even though both of them wanted to stay in each other's arms for much longer. "Now, let's get this party started."

As the next 4 hours passed by in an instant, the two watched a movie and got bored through the second one, deciding to play games, they talked and laughed, made each other eat weird and gross food combos like ketchup on a chocolate bar, uncooked pasta with mustard, mayonnaise with bananas, etc.

There were one or two pleasant combos like bread with ice cream, but then drinking strange liquids (like lemon juice with milk, yogurt with chocolate syrup, melted cheese in sparkly water) was thrown on the table and the two forgot about how dangerous for their stomachs those combos could get. It's understandable to say that the two would undoubtedly be visiting the bathroom at least three times tonight.

The two enjoyed the playlist that Hinata made and it was undoubtedly making Y/n feel more confident, especially when Bokuto practically forced them to dress up and look ready for a night out, although they wouldn't be going anywhere. The songs kept playing and Bokuto hyped Y/n up every time he got the chance, and Y/n, feeling better and better, did the same thing for him. The familiar lyrics would kick in and Bokuto would scream them out making Y/n glare at him and try to shush him a few times before neighbors would come knocking on their door. How could they stay mad at him for that though, when he was so happy and excited, emitting his 'extra' energy. The two of them were singing, dancing, drinking, and had their little party making Y/n think the party they were supposedly going to tomorrow wasn't even a necessity for them to feel better anymore. It was a plan for a fun night they would gladly follow as long as they can stick to Bokuto through the night.

"Do you think we should bring the rope tomorrow with us?" Bokuto said after a comfortable silence. The playlist played out a few times throughout the night and was stopped once the two decided to take a break and lay on Y/n's balcony to watch the stars. It was a small balcony but long enough for them to lay next to each other, a bit cramped together though. They used the break as an excuse for being too tired to keep partying, but the truth was; they were both drunk out of their minds. Too drunk and dizzy to keep jumping around and making fun of each other.

"The rope you and Atsumu used to tie Hinata to that pole that Meian has in his parents' penthouse?"

"It's basically his- but yes, that rope. It's good enough for you guys to try and tie me this time-"

"Bo!" Y/n said in disbelief and laughed. "We're not going to tie anyone up to anything. You and Miya were too drunk to know what you were doing and I still can't figure out how no one was trying to stop you."

"Omi-omi tried to. But I think someone held him back. I don't know, can't remember. But why wouldn't you try and-"

"No way in hell am I going to tie someone to a pole-"

"How about being the one getting tied up?" He interrupted Y/n and both of them stopped for a second before laughing loudly.

"I don't wanna do that either. How about you just take me to the party?"

"That's what I had planned."

"Without the rope."

"Oh... Oh well, it's worth a try. We'll just trap someone on the roof then." He said and shrugged his shoulders.

"Bokuto!" Y/n said and elbowed him slightly, disbelief still evident in their eyes.

"What? Never said we'd do that to you! But you know, if you're up to it-"

"Ugh, shut up~ You and your ideas are giving me a headache." Y/n muttered, grabbing their head with their hands and shutting their eyes closed.

"Atsumu would like the idea though..." Bokuto mumbled.

"Because your dumb ass would offer that to him as a challenge and his crazy ass never backs up on a challenge." Y/n said and both of them chuckled as Bokuto agreed.

Time passed and the two enjoyed each other's company until the clock struck 5 am. They didn't realize the sun would be up in a few moments and that they wouldn't even witness it because they would be too engrossed in what was happening in front of them at the moment of sunrise.

"Thanks. For this. I'm tired as fuck, and feeling the hangover coming for me, but I had such a good time that I'd repeat this night again and again whenever I could."

"Well, I'm only a call away. Hey, Y/n..."

"Ready for the best hangover sunrise ever?" Y/n said, not realizing Bokuto needed to say something that would change the whole course of the night and the day that would follow them.

"Y/n."

"Hm?"

"I... Last night, right? I actually was in the neighborhood. I wanted to see you and hang out. When I realized you weren't in such a good mood, I rushed to the nearest convenience store to buy the stuff we ate and drank. I didn't intend to buy all that until I called you. And... the reason I wanted to see you was.... uh..."

"You're getting serious just like yesterday. What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong, just- I- Fuck, I can't do this." Bokuto said to himself making Y/n widen their eyes. Bokuto suddenly looked frustrated and nervous, something that would happen only when practice wouldn't go as he would've wanted.

"Bo-" "Would you be mad if I showed you, instead of saying it? I forgot the speech that I practiced out." He suddenly said and Y/n laughed before nodding.

"Yeah, sure. What do you want to sho-" Before they knew it, Bokuto leaned in as quick as he could, grabbing Y/n gently by their throat and pulling them in to connect their lips. Y/n widened their eyes and started to process the fact that Bokuto was kissing them, tilting his head to deepen it once Y/n closed their eyes and reciprocated the energy. Their tongues intertwined and rubbed against each other, their mouths sucked on each other's bottom lip, his lips lowered and traveled all over their neck after he tilted Y/n's head to the side to get more access, sucking here and there lightly as to not leave any purple markings. Bokuto would make sure to make up for that next time he has them under his touch.

Pulling away from the kiss, their foreheads were leaned one against another as the pair breathed heavily. The sun rays shined on them, making them feel sudden waves of heat which annoyed them as if the heat of the make-out session they just had wasn't heating their bodies enough.

Bokuto was so nervous about this. He wanted them to share that kiss through the whole night and the moment finally came. He was a bit scared that Y/n was going to push him away. But once Y/n kissed back, that small string that held him back disappeared and made him almost go feral. The wave of energy he felt, the confidence that overwhelmed him, he never felt like that before. He felt unstoppable like he just won over the whole world. He kind of did. He kind of won over his world.

The morning was here, the two missed the sunrise, but they did get something else. Something that would come in handy for tonight's party otherwise the two wouldn't confidently show they decided to be more than friends. It was something all people needed to have at least once in their lives.

Fuelled egos.

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chaoticdean · 4 years

Text

I know when you go down you darkest roads

I know when you go down all your darkest roads

Chapter 4 — Personal pillow — Dean POV

Dean and Castiel go undercover as a couple going through couple therapy, in order to catch a monster that specifically targets couples dealing with issues, feeding on their distress, anger, and pain.

~ 3.2K

I'm posting earlier than I'm supposed to, mainly because I'm going back to work on Monday and I'm not sure I'm actually gonna be able to update during the day. From here on, chapters will be dropping around Sundays/Mondays depending on my work schedule :)

Next chapter is going to be a bit different since I'm gonna dive into the "Cas side of it all", and I'm really excited for you guys to dive into it!

Also, if you liked the little texts I experimented with during this chapter, just know that they'll be back :)

Okay, MOVING ON. Have a great read, y'all!

— I know the SPNStayAtHome Challenge is over, but thanks to @bend-me-shape-me ; @helianthus21 & @pray4jensen for hosting and getting this story into motion! —

READ ON AO3

(Rebloggable chapter on Tumblr : Part I / Part II / Part III)

Dean’s mind is overwhelmed by approximately a hundred a twenty-five different things — the most prominent being if I had just stayed back there with Cas instead of running to drink my fears away, Stan and Sally would still be here, how surprising that someone has to die for your mistakes again, Winchester — when Mrs. Pritchard catches his arm.

“Dean, I think you should go back to your room and break the news to your husband. I’m almost sure he’s the last person who talked to Stan and Sally, so I’m guessing the cops will come for you both at some point” she says, wiping her face with a tissue.

Dean nods in agreement, suddenly realizing that Castiel isn’t there amongst the group of people standing around in the hallway. Which means he doesn’t know yet.

Great. As if this night could get any worse at this point.

“Okay. Let me get you back to your office first, you look like you’re about to pass out” he says, extending his arms, guiding her out through the hallway.

It takes them a couple of minutes to get there and once Dean is certain the therapist isn’t going to faint, he leaves and makes his way to his bedroom while avoiding the rest of the residents — everyone seems to be out there, except for Cas.

He pushes the bedroom door open, suddenly fearing that Castiel might have left (after all, he wouldn’t blame him at this point), but the angel is right there lying in bed, reading god knows what book he’s managed to get his hands on. And he’s wearing those damn navy pants with Dean’s shirt just like the night before. It’s like a punch in the guts every time Dean just looks at him.

The hunter sighs loudly, somewhat relieved to find him here. The angel cocks an eyebrow at him, tilting his head on the side like he always does.

“You okay?” He asks as Dean drops on the bed, face meeting the pillows in seconds, “I thought you might have left” he adds, and the way his voice breaks at the end make Dean feel even worse.

“I’d never leave you, Cas” he says, raising his face up to watch the angel, “I thought we were passed that?”

“I don’t know, you seemed so angry at me.”

Dean raises on his elbow, watching as Cas lowers his book — “The Song of Achilles” by Madeline Miller, the hunter reads on the cover — his eyes locking-in with the angel’s.

“I wasn’t angry at you, Cas. I was angry at me.”

“Why?” He tilts his head again, and Dean’s heart sink.

“I…” he starts, wondering how he could translate everything into words, then deciding not to, “It doesn’t matter. Something happened, Cas. Stan and Sally…”

Dean doesn’t finish his sentence, letting the rest of it hang in the air until Castiel’s face gets paler as he understands.

“Oh, no… What happened? When?” He asks, tossing his book to the bedside table.

“I don’t know, I was outside talking with Mrs. Pritchard in front of the building and we saw the cops and an ambulance come in so we rushed back inside, and… It was bad, Cas.”

“Did you gather any intel? I thought the Algea only went after couples who had troubles, but Stan and Sally seemed to be the only couple who didn’t have any major problems if you put all their bickering aside.”

“Yeah, and they were killed having.. well, uh. Kinky sex. Which doesn’t fit the M.O. Not the kinky part, just the sex part.”

Cas tilts his head again, this time with a wondering look on his face.

“Kinky?” He asks, looking at Dean without blinking an eye.

Dean can barely contain a massive eye-roll, making Cas’s frown grow even bigger.

“Kinky as in ‘naughty’. Weird, deviant if you will” Dean finally explains.

“How does one have deviant sex?” Cas seriously wonders, and it takes everything in Dean not to burst out laughing. “Maybe we should call Sam in.”

“What, to ask him what he knows about kinky sex?”

This time, Cas rolls his eyes so hard Dean’s slightly afraid the whole world is going to shake, and he can’t suppress his loud laughter at the sight. Castiel returns his wide grin and Dean instantly feels lighter.

He still won’t want you, not today, and not in a million years, Winchester.

“You’re an idiot. I meant we should call him in, tell him what happened and see if there’s anything in the lore about creatures who go after both struggling couples and happy couples having deviant sex” he adds, watching as Dean buries his head back in the pillow with a loud groan.

“I don’t want to call him in, he’s out with Eileen somewhere on the West Coast and quite frankly, he deserves a break.”

“Well quite frankly, so did we. Yet here we are.”

“Aww, Cas. I thought this was our vacation?”

“You’re an idiot.”

“You’ve said that already.”

“I can say it once more if you want me to.”

“You’re too fucking playful at this time of night, dude.”

“No, I’m not, I'm being realistic.”

Dean smiles into the soft tissue of the bedcover, realizing they got back to their easy banter as if nothing happened. He finally rolls on his side, locking eyes with his partner.

“Do you want to hit the lore?” He asks, raising an eyebrow.

“I’d rather go to bed. We don’t have anything before therapy tomorrow at 11, that leaves us enough time to research before” he finishes before yawning hard.

“Okay Rip Van Winkle, let’s get you to bed, alright?” Dean says, getting up on his two feet and grabbing his nightclothes — his old Zeppelin ’73 tour that he’s owned for at least 3 decades, and a pair of black sweatpants matching Cas’s.

“Technically, I’m already in bed…” Cas adds

Dean is very pleased to realize Cas is still watching him while he strips from his day to nightclothes in front of him, completely unbothered. He’s about to ask if he likes what he sees — damn it’s hot seeing Castiel looking at every inch of his skin like this — when the voice in his head slams his thoughts away with a distinctive “you’ll fuck him up too, so just back away and don’t”.

“Okay, FYI, if we’re sleeping together every night until we get through this case, I’m using you as my personal pillow,” Dean says with a sigh as he drops on the bed, “D’you mind?”

He slips under the covers, almost praying for Cas to say something along the lines of “Yes, please fucking use me”, or more realistically something resembling a simple “yes”. But suddenly Castiel is right there inside his personal space, his scent everywhere around Dean as he pushes him back into the mattress and presses his whole body against him.

“I don’t mind, but I’d rather have you as my personal pillow than the other way around,” he says, dropping his head in the crook of the hunter’s neck just like the night before, “do you mind?”

Ah, that playful tone again. Dean could almost sigh in content at the feeling of deep satisfaction the whole thing gives him.

“I don’t mind, babe,” he says, brushing a light kiss on Castiel’s forehead as his arm gently closes around his waist, bringing him even closer.

He told you not to call him babe, why are you even trying?

Castiel pulls even closer, his nose brushing against Dean’s skin on his throat while the hunter extends an arm, turning off the lights.

“You know, at some point, we’re gonna have to talk about the fact that you’re sleeping a lot more lately, or how you need coffee in the morning and meals more often” Dean adds, his arm coming back around the angel’s waist, settling in against his back.

Most of the time, Dean tries not to dwell on it too much. Whenever Castiel would be ready to assess this, he’ll be here waiting. But it was becoming an almost daily situation, with Cas falling asleep almost every night for a couple of weeks now, and the coffee situation started almost 2 months ago.

“Sure. Whenever you’re ready to talk about why you were so angry at yourself you chose to literally run away from me and this room instead of talking to me, we can talk about it” the Angel mutters against Dean’s neck, the warmth of his breath giving Dean goosebumps.

“Yeah, okay” he sighs, rolling his eyes in the darkness of the room, “you’ve made your point.”

I’ve been in love with you for more than a decade and I don’t think I can survive the look on your face when you ultimately reject me.

Kissing you, calling you “babe” and being your husband all day gives me a sense of happiness, but happiness is always a lie, it gets people killed.

I’m terrified of what I feel, and I’m terrified of losing you if you ever find out how I feel. That’s why I always run when it gets too complicated to keep it inside.

Because it doesn’t matter how it hurts to keep this to myself if I get to spend a few more moments by your side. That’s why I run. That’s why I keep running away from you.

But of course, this all stays inside.

“I’m serious, Dean. This is exactly what we talked about in therapy today —“

“Cas, it’s an undercover case, it’s not like we’re really going through therapy” Dean interrupts him, and immediately feels Castiel tense up against him.

“So what? Our issues are real, even if we’re not the lovely Cartellones. You’re always doing that” he almost growls, obviously fed up by Dean’s assessment.

“What?”

“Whenever you’re angry at something you always decide that it’s best to move away from the people who love you and brood in a corner by yourself without telling anyone what’s really bothering you. It’s infuriating, Dean.”

“It’s just the way I am.”

“Well, like I already said, just because you’re that way doesn’t mean you can’t change.”

“This is just my way of coping, Cas. I don’t know how to do that without storming away from everything.”

“Well, it hurts the people around you when you do it. It hurts Sam. It hurts Jack. And it hurts me, most of the time, even if I do understand why you do it.”

Dean’s heart crushes at the single thought of hurting Cas. He’s not oblivious to the fact that he hurt him before, and he still hates himself for it. But having Castiel lying tightly against him, his low voice resonating inside his throat where his lips are almost pressed up, saying to his face that he keeps on hurting him… That’s another level.

“I’m sorry. I never mean to hurt you” he says, his eyes closing on impact.

“I know you don’t. So change. Talk to me. To Sam. To Jack. Hell, to anyone. Stop pushing people away.”

“It’s easier said than done, Cas.”

“Just give it a try. For me.”

Dean swallows hard at the thought of actually telling Castiel why he ran away earlier, when the angel’s hand finds its way under Dean’s shirt and he starts stroking the skin of his back almost absently. If he wasn’t so self-conscious right now, the hunter is almost sure his starved-touch self would moan disgracefully at the single touch of Cas’s fingertips along his skin.

The hunter sighs in content instead, Castiel’s head finding its rightful place and settling in the warmth of his neck. There’s newfound confidence and some drops of bravery left in Dean when he actually stretches his left arm out and cards his fingers gently inside Castiel’s hair.

When he groans in content, Dean could swear the shiver that goes through his entire body could light up Antarctica.

“We should do that more often,” Cas says, his voice drowsy like he’s minutes away from drifting off into sleep.

“What? Talking?”

“Cuddling. Sleeping together. Kissing.”

Wait.. what?

“You’d wanna do that… more often?” He asks warily, not wanting to jump to conclusion too fast here and get his heart smashed into pieces, “With me?”

“Who wouldn’t want that?”

“Hold on, let me pull up a quick list for you here: hum, everyone? I’m a lost cause, Cas. I’m not worth it.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, babe,” he says, placing a soft kiss on Dean’s jawline, his lips brushing against the light stubble of his cheek, “you deserve everything. All of it.”

Suddenly it’s like Dean can’t breathe anymore. It takes him almost a minute to recover, and by then the angel’s slow breathing indicates that he’s already fallen asleep, despite Dean’s heart thundering like crazy right there where he’s lying against him.

Dean’s hand is still inside Castiel’s hair, and he keeps on softly stroking it as he watches him sleep, the dull light of the moon illuminating the angel’s features in the dark.

It’s actually insane how beautiful he looks. The way the white soft light caresses the line of his jaw, the stubble that grew on his cheek looking even more magnificent by the minute.

“I love you” he murmurs into the dark, well aware of all the implications these three little words bring, and taking advantage of Cas being asleep to say them before drifting into sleep moments later, “I love you so much, for so long already. I just wish I wasn’t this person, that way I wouldn’t fuck you up. I can’t risk that. I can’t risk losing you.”

His arms tighten around the angel, and he drops a soft kiss against Cas’s hair. The last thing he remembers before giving up to sleep is thinking he could have so much more if he only stopped hating himself so much.

When Dean awakes the next morning, the sun is filling the room and the first thing he feels is cold.

He extends an arm already searching for Castiel but only meets cold sheets and an empty bed. He opens his eyes, groaning as the light attacks his iris, quickly assessing that the room is empty except for him.

There’s a pit in his stomach as he sits up and reaches for his phone, and he kinds of hate himself at the bitterness he can already feel inside his throat.

What if he left? What if he doesn’t remember what he said last night? What if he doesn’t want to talk about it because he figured out how fucked up it would be?

The screen lights up and tells him it’s 8 am already. There’s a text from Sam asking if they’re okay and how the case is going, a couple from Jack rambling about the superhero hole he dived into while they’re away, but nothing from Cas. Dean quickly texts him, hoping to have an answer that suppresses this uncomfortable feeling inside of him. And sure enough, his phone beeps half a minute later.

Dean sighs in relief, dropping back on the mattress. He lingers for a moment, his face pressed up against the pillows. Cas’s scent is everywhere, and no matter how hard he tells himself he’s such a cliché about this, it really does wonder on his mood.

Cas said he liked kissing him.

Cas said they should do it more often.

He’s still not sure he really believes it, but it still makes him giddy inside.

You’re not a schoolgirl, Winchester. That was probably just your head talking to yourself. No way Castiel could want that with you.

When Castiel finally appears 20 minutes later with a box of donuts in one hand and two cups of coffee in the other, sporting a brand new light blue shirt — I swear to God I will kill you for making me endure this, Sammy — Dean is buttoning his own very new emerald shirt while whistling to Led Zeppelin.

“You’re in a good mood,” Castiel says, putting down the box and one cup of coffee for Dean to drink on his bedside table.

“Do I detect a surprised tone in your voice?” Dean answers playfully, opening the donuts box like it’s going to disappear.

“Well, you’re usually pretty grumpy until you’ve gotten your first coffee.”

Dean rolls his eyes at him, shoving half a donut inside his mouth. Castiel is still watching him, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Dean can’t help but notice how good that new shade of blue suits him, and he mentally smacks himself for it.

“So, did you find out anything useful?”

“Sort of. I still think we’re hunting an Algea, but I found out that they like to kill couples while they’re having sex. Something about the taste being sweeter, according to the books I’ve found.”

“Fucking great” Dean mutters, finishing his coffee, “So they just kill them while they’re getting some sweet time just because they taste better if they do? Silver still kills it though, nothing wrong in your book about that?”

Cas nods, watching as Dean comes closer. He reaches for his collar with a smile, unbuttoning the shirt further down a little. The angel looks at him with a frown on his face.

“What’s wrong with my shirt?”

“Nothing, I just think you look better when it’s unbuttoned a bit more, just like that.”

Pleased with his work, Dean uses the last drops of bravery he has left and reaches for Cas’s cheek, his thumb brushing over the angel’s cheekbone with a light touch.

And immediately senses Castiel tense up, as he crosses his arms across his chest while averting Dean’s gaze.

Well, if Dean had been looking for any kind of answer, he’d guess that would be it.

What the fuck did you expect, Winchester? I’ve been telling you for two days, and over a decade: he doesn’t want you. Isn’t that enough for you to finally believe me?

He removes his hand as quickly as if he’d been burned, and immediately back off, dropping on the edge of the bed to supposedly puts his boots on — it’s a very practical position to avoid looking at Cas and right now, looking at Cas to see the colors of rejection and disgust painted on his face is pretty much the last thing he wants to do.

“I’ll just… Meet me in the common room when you’re ready, alright?”

Castiel’s voice dropped a tone, like it does when he’s uncomfortable or doubtful. When Dean raises his head to watch him leave, he gets a glimpse at the sadness in the angel’s eyes right before the bedroom door slams shut and he’s left alone.

The emptiness he feels growing inside himself is perhaps even worse than the rising pain.

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tweedledan · 5 years

Text

A thee stallion summer

So for a while I've struggled with my weight, I'm 22 not quite sure how much I weigh currently but I've always wanted to be thicker and have a larger muscle mass last year I got up to 130 from 117 which was very hard for me but worth it. Unfortunately I got ill twice back to back, and then I never got my mojo back. I did a fitness course at my University and I got this print out from the body composition analyzer.

Which gives a bit of info about me

Height: 5'6

Weight: 127lbs (Feb 13th, will have to check current weight)

Metabolic age: 17

What stood out the most for me was the degree of obesity, which was -8.2% I asked the lady what that meant she said it means I'm underweight. It took me by surprise I cried a little not gonna lie but I'm gonna make a turn around this summer and try to get my weight up. It also says ideal weight 138 lbs which I'm currently aiming for. I started my working out yesterday.

Day 1:

Day 2:

Was icing my leg earlier I'm going to try to keep this updated. Stay tuned.

Day 3:

Rest day, did some yoga to stretch out my muscles. Will try to weigh myself tomorrow so I know what I'm working with.

Day 4:

So I did abs today and I weighed myself. I'm pleasantly surprised 128lbs.

Day 5:

Arm day. Made it through the first week this weekend I'll be resting getting ready for the new week. I'm really tired as y'all could tell 😂😂. I'll be back on Monday.

Day 6 & 7:

These were supposed to be my rest days, but I spent yesterday moving a freezer. Does this mean I can skip tomorrow? 😁

Day 8:

Just so happened to be in white again on Monday. Didn't go to the gym but I worked from home today. Decided I'll share my workout also so here it is:

5 minute run

Squats - 25 reps 3 sets

Split squats 20 each leg 3 sets

Duck walks 2 minutes

Crunches till failure 3 sets

Russian twists 3 sets

Oblique crunches 30 reps 3 sets

Tricep dips 25 reps

Bicep curls 30 each 3 sets

3 minute run

I did the runs in the ankle weights.

The squats I used the red and black bands for the first 2 sets then I added the yellow to the last set. And I used those 3 bands for the duck walks. You will notice I do less arm work I had a shoulder injury years ago and because of it I stopped doing arm work so I'm trying to get my arms used to the work gradually. Have a good day guys.

Day 9:

Leg day once again and I decided to do something that would challenge me. No picture today because that really was a challenge. Here's what I did:

Glute activation

Glute bridge 15 reps

Clam shells 15 reps

Lunges 20 reps 3 sets

In and out squats 25 reps 3 sets

Lateral side walks until failure

Donkey Kicks 25 reps 3 sets

Calf raises 25 reps 3 sets

Wall sit plie calf raises 25 reps 3 sets

Right around the last set of donkey kicks I wanted to give up but I kept going. I did the activation, in and out squats and lateral side walks with the red and black bands. Also a side note don't think I only focus on working out, I try to maintain a good diet, sometimes I have a cookie here or there but that's about it😂😂. Tomorrow is rest day.

Day 10:

Spent today just resting and stretching very basic day 😊.

Day 11:

Today I was supposed to do abs but I donated blood today, so I'm unable to do any strenuous activity. I'll pick back up tomorrow.

Day 12:

Today my friends and I did over Mondays workout. Feeling great as usual and finally back to normal from yesterday. The weekend is rest, but I have to work so technically not rest. Happy weekend guys 😊🌴

Day 13 & 14:

I worked the entire weekend but I enjoyed the weekend regardless. Not much rest but still great.

Day 15:

Today my friend and I went to the gym, first time going to the gym since we started this, got into some weights. Was a bit rough because of the heat but a good enough challenge. Also tomorrow will be rest day instead and Wednesday will be leg day,just for this week.

Workout:

Stretch

Warmup

Kettlebell swings 30 reps 2 sets

Kettlebell walks

Kettlebell lunges 2 sets

Smith squats with resistance bands around legs 3 sets

Leg press 3 sets

Leg extensions 3 sets

Hamstring curls 3 sets

Tricep kick back 3 sets

Bicep curls 3 sets

2-Hand Tricep extension (laying)

Flys 3 sets

Leg raises 2 sets

Medicine ball Russian twists

🏋🏾‍♀🏋🏾‍♀

Day 16, 17,18 & 19:

So I started back work so workouts got paused and I didn't make it to thr gym at all but Monday.😁

Day 20 & 21:

Over the weekend I'll try to make a schedule for getting to gym because I will continue working. Have a great weekend guys.

Day 22:

Today was a holiday so I just headed to the beach. Tomorrow I'm finally going to the gym after work.

Day 23:

I missed gym again!

Day 24:

I'm stressed because I came from a place of going to the gym constantly but because of work, im unable to go gym. Today is Wednesday which is usually my rest day, but I have no reason to rest. I'm really hoping that tomorrow I can get to gym because this is annoying me. 😟😠

Day 30:

I am finally back and I finally made it to the gym 👏🙌. Felt so good going back I honestly missed it. I had a little hiccup the last few days with work but I got my time managed and I'll continue.

You can tell from my smile I'm happy lool.

#black fitblr #black fitness #fitblr #fit girls #fitfam #fitspo #fitspiration #growth #journey #weight journey #weight journal

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fluidityandgiggles · 6 years

Text

Sleep Is For The Weak - Chapter 10

Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 5, Last Chapter

Writing Masterlist - for previous chapters not otherwise linked, Read on AO3

Notes (I guess): It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for! Well... I hope so...

Yeah, it took me a month to get this chapter on the road, but... I can’t really be blamed. Well, I can, but let’s be fair, I’m in India right now, I have almost no wifi and I’m mostly relying on data (I ran out of data while writing this and now have to wait forty minutes to get data again... oops...), I managed to get The Schmuel Song from The Last Five Years stuck in my head out of boredom, and really I planned to update much earlier but sometimes... chapters get stuck.

I’m sorry I’m updating this late... I hope the fact that this is the longest chapter yet A N D that something y’all have been waiting for is going to happen will make it up!

As always, all the thanks to @broadwaytheanimatedseries for the original idea, to @whatwashernameagain for her original story and for being such a sweetheart, and to @winglessnymph, @asleepybisexual and @anony-phangirl for all their help, even if it’s just listening to my ideas and giving feedback (you’re all wonderful and I love you so much!)

Tag list (sort of): @bunny222, @ab-artist, @secretlyanxiouspersona, @your-username-is-unavailable, @virgilcrofters, @why-things-go-boom, @ilovemyspoopydad, @violetblossem, @maybe-i-like-the-misery

(Wanna be tagged? Just lemme know!)

Trigger warning: period appropriate transphobia (the early 00s were not exactly trans-friendly). This chapter is a bit lighter, but keep this in mind.

—————

Saturday, December 21st, 2002

Christmas at the Harris shoebox was never that festive to begin with.

There was always some sort of rush hour-type boost in sales on and off-Broadway, or at least that's how David explained it to Remy when he was younger, so he would only really be home if he only had matinees or if, God forbid, Christmas (either eve or day) fell on a Monday. And Remy was always busy with school, at first with his program in Columbia and then his project at Bronx Science and now…

Well, now was no different. Christmas Eve was going to be on a Tuesday, next Tuesday to be exact, and Remy was too busy reading ahead in his psychology books.

India dropped him off in Manhattan on her way to Johns Hopkins. They got out a day early to go from Boston to Manhattan - Remy didn't have exams that day anyway - and stayed over at Remy's overnight before the second half of the ride. "They", of course, also included India's girlfriend Jenna, who was the one driving. She was a wonderful human being and Remy honestly couldn't believe he never met her before. It felt like they knew each other for ages! (David wasn't happy when two twenty-something year olds crashed on his couch that Sunday night, without warning, but Remy told him they're leaving first thing in the morning. He still wasn't very happy at that, but maybe going with it was the best option here.)

"You know who I ran into on my lunch break today?" Remy raised his head and took off his reading glasses (he was starting to need glasses for more than reading…) to look at his father, who - at eleven forty-five at night - finally got home from tonight's show. "Come on, ask."

"Who did you run into on your lunch break, dad?"

"Do you remember Michelle Tan?"

Of course Remy remembered Michelle Tan. She took chemistry and engineering and always looked down on him as if learning psychology made him less than her. Not to mention that when he showed up to graduation with short hair - his first step towards socially transitioning, really - she kept saying the nastiest things to him about how inappropriate it was.

"What about her?"

"Nothing, she just asked how you're doing." David threw himself on the couch next to Remy, taking off his shoes and opening his shirt in the process. "I said that you're doing alright and that your degree was going okay."

"Oh. Okay."

"...that's all you're going to say? Oh okay?" Remy pulled his shoulders. What else was there to say, really? "Thought you'd be a bit happier that—"

"Dad, Michelle Tan is the one who came to me after graduation and told me that short hair is undignified and that just because I think it makes me more of a boy doesn't mean that I am. Do you really think I'd be that excited about you running into her on your lunch?"

"I didn't know. I had no idea."

"It's okay."

David was working on a new show by Tony Kushner. He promised Remy that he's not going to spoil anything to anyone this time (though let's be honest, he said that about Dancing At Lughnasa in 1991, and Rent in 1996, and…). He stayed out late for the workshop, and barely had any time to care for himself. He never did whenever a new show started.

Remy could forgive him for forgetting stuff.

However, this neglect was absolutely and utterly unacceptable.

"Can you take a day off tomorrow? I mean, it's just the workshop, I doubt Eliza would mind it if you didn't come." David hummed in agreement. "So it's decided. Tell Eliza you're not coming tomorrow. We're gonna, like… do absolutely nothing tomorrow. We'll go somewhere fancy, like that diner on—"

"Since when are pancakes fancy to you, Remy?"

"Since I don't get to eat them anymore because I don't have time and I'm not using boxed mixes, thank you very much!"

"We can go to Hard Rock Cafe."

"Dad, Hard Rock isn't fancy. Sorry to disappoint. I just want to go to Times Square, to be honest…"

And then he turned on the TV and put a recorded episode of South Park. And Remy gave up. He went back to his book, to remember the teacher who made them read Oedipus Rex in English class, to get pissed at Freud who said that all men secretly want to fuck their mothers and called it the Oedipus complex without even knowing (probably) that Oedipus didn't want to fuck his mother but the moment he found that out he stabbed his own eyes out and exiled himself, accompanied by his children, which prompted the start of Oedipus at Colonus and Antigone.

Remy always felt bad for Antigone. But that was a personal issue.

——

"Remy? Remy! Hey, Remy, I'm here, and you're here, and—"

These sort of calls have been going on since about five minutes after David paid for their lunch and he and Remy started making their way to the subway back home. They started right around the… Martin Beck theatre? Yeah, around there. Remy was kind of scared to turn around and look who that is, until his dad told him to, so he did.

Emile was dragging his older sister and her dog behind him and he was getting really close.

"I didn't know you'll be here right now!" Emile's face was flushed, hidden under the hood of his fluffy mustard yellow coat. His glasses were covered in raindrops and all fogged up.

He looked absolutely adorable.

"Sweetie, what are you doing here?" At the hurt face, Remy quickly added "I'm just curious, that's all. Did you bring Mycroft too?"

"Well… no, I didn't. Mycroft stayed home. I can't bring him on holiday vacations. Our neighbors are looking after him, though! They're very nice and they're technically his grandparents! Well, kinda. I got him from a litter their bunnies had. It's a long story. And we were at the Man of La Mancha matinee just now! Julie and I have tickets to The Lion King at seven, and my parents are going to The Full Monty. It's a holiday tradition!"

Well then… hmm…

"Oh, you haven't met my dad yet!" Emile almost started jumping. "You have to—"

Someone tapped on Remy's shoulder. "I thought we're going home, not talking to cute boys on the street?" David asked jokingly.

"Hello, sir! I'm—"

"That's Emile, Dad. He's a friend. I told you about him. And his sister Juliana."

"But she's buying books so we're going to wait for her!" The tiny blond said oh so excitedly. He could never not get excited, it seemed. Remy loved that about him.

"What did you say her name was?" At David's raised eyebrow, Emile started jumping even more.

"Juliana! Yoo-li-a-na. It's Dutch, not English. She's named after our great-grandmother who died in Auschwitz. It's a really sad story, if I do say so myself—"

"Munchkin, we gotta go." The aforementioned woman who just got out of the bookstore grabbed Emile's hand and gave it a short squeeze. Her accent was even harsher than Emile's, but… Remy couldn't complain. He heard her speak before. He met her before. "Remmington, nice to see you again."

"You too, Julie. And Ladybug." At the sound of her name, the dog started wagging her tail quite happily. Remy never got to see her off-duty, but he assumed that this was the closest he'll ever get to.

"Mom and Dad are waiting. You coming or what?"

As the three went away, Emile waving goodbye quite enthusiastically and lending his sister a shoulder to lean on (Remy only recently found out why he did), Remy struggled to find the words to explain to his dad what just happened.

Thankfully, he didn't ask. Instead, David said "so that's your boyfriend, huh?", took his hand and pulled him in the direction of the subway. They still had to get home today.

——

Monday, December 23rd

"So we're staying here until… I think the fifth," Emile rambled on the phone. Sure, it was eleven thirty already, but… free minutes were more important than proper sleep schedules. Not that either of them had any of those. "After that were going to Missouri, my dad is taking me to Glore, you know—"

"I have no idea what Glore is.”

"It's a psychiatric museum. And after that we're going to California! To Disneyland, and then the murder museum."

Emile kept rambling about his plans, and he was so loud, Remy could hear his dad tell him to quiet down a couple of times. He was just so excited, and it was always so endearing…

"So what I'm trying to say is," Emile rambled away. "Would you like to hang out sometime? We could go see a musical! Like, umm… Rent! We can go see Rent! I haven't seen the new cast yet… I heard that Jai Rodriguez is awesome though!"

"I don't know… I can't really afford that—"

"Nonsense! What do you have me for if not for this sort of thing?"

"Remy, either you hang up now and go to sleep so you can deal with your grandparents tomorrow," David grunted from the couch, where he tried to sleep, "or I do it for you."

"Alright, boo, how about the twenty-seventh?"

"Sounds good to me!"

"Okay. Good night, Em."

"Good night!"

Remy didn't tell Emile that he actually saw Rent off-Broadway before. And… didn't exactly like it. Maureen, the only bisexual, was presented as promiscuous and very selfish (though that might've just been her personality, he had no idea, Jonathan Larson died before he could ask him) and Angel, the only character he ever truly identified with - a gay, genderqueer drummer who is HIV+ - is really the only main character to die, leaving the most wonderful and wholesome relationship in the show broken and sad and with a bad ending, while the horribly dysfunctional Roger and Mimi - both also HIV+ - got to have a happy ending.

And really, what type of bullshit was that? Gays have already been so villainized in the media, Remy did not need another one.

But he'd go. Just to be with his best friend. He really wanted to.

"Are you ready for the ride to Jersey?" David asked jokingly. Neither of them was ever truly ready for the six-hour (at best) long ride on the interstate to Red Bank. David's parents were, to say the least, terribly nosy and had no tact. Adding to that the fact that his cousin Gilbert (his aunt and her husband had a terrible taste in names, Remy decided rather early in life) wasn't going to come home for Christmas from his boarding school in Nova Scotia, also known as the only sensible member of the family with whom Remy could actually hold a conversation would not be home for Christmas…

This holiday was going to be a disaster.

"Ready as I'll ever be, I guess."

——

Tuesday, December 31st, 2002; 9:54 p.m.

Christmas was horrible. But Emile made it better.

This was how Remy described the holiday on his call to India on the thirty-first.

"What I mean is… you know the feeling when your family is just so bigoted and— yeah, okay, I'm sure you know that feeling." India laughed on the other side of the phone. It made him feel… strangely better. "So, like… my family are horrible, okay. My grandparents are, like, the worst. My grandma can't stop sticking her nose in everyone's business, and like, usually it's fine, it's not that bad, but last week my cousin wasn't home so she had more criticism to give to everyone else so she chose to pick on my sexuality, and like—"

"Pick on your sexuality?"

"She literally said ‘why can't you just be who you were when you were sixteen, you may not carry the family name but you will continue the bloodline'—"

"What twisted mind would say something like that?"

"My grandma, sweetie. This is my grandma."

India actually laughed at that. Remy could hear confused sounds from the other side, which he assumed belonged to that Jackson kid she talked about a couple weeks ago.

"Is she also the type of person who would say that Jenna is a nursing student because she's black and a woman?"

"I wouldn't put it past her to act like Professor McKenna. But anyway. So that's my grandma, and my grandpa is… he's deaf and senile. You can imagine what that's like."

India hummed. "Sounds like a fun holiday."

"Well, after coming back Emile and I went to see Rent. I still hate that musical but it was fun to watch it with him. And my boyfriend only called once like, three days ago. And I mean, rude much?"

"I'll bet. I got to talk to my psychiatrist, and… guess what."

"I'm scared of guessing."

"I'm gonna get my first doses of blockers and estrogen real soon, if everything goes right." Remy tried to avoid the tightness in his chest. "I know, I know… you've been waiting for this too."

"Is it weird that I can't wait to get mine but I'm still scared of when you'll get yours?"

"No, absolutely not. I totally understand. We all have a fear of change, peach. Some of us more than others. But it's going to be such gradual change that you won't even think of it, okay? It's exactly how I explained it to Jackson. Even when I get top surgery, which will probably be the most dramatic change, it's not going to be such a big shock. I promise."

India had to end the call rather quick after that. Apparently some doctor needed to talk to her about some stuff, and he could hear her grit her teeth before saying her goodbyes - the doctor called her "Mr. McGinty" - so it must not have been good.

He had a… sort of date, with Emile, at Times Square later. His sister was going to this bar in Greenwich right after the ball drop, so until then, she said she'd chaperone - as if they needed one. But Nathalie had some rules and stuff so they had to have her around, or else.

Whatever that else would be.

"Dad, I'm going out!" A hum of agreement came from his dad's room. Okay then…

Remy got his bag and his phone, sent a quick text to Chris wishing him a happy new year - he probably wasn't going to see it until Remy pointed it out to him when they got back to Boston - and left.

(He probably should check on his dad, but he was going to be alright. Two and a half years sober now, and he had his cartoons. He was going to be okay.)

——

11:57:11 12 13 14... p.m.

"I'm cold!"

"You're from Minnesota, Emile."

"I don't see your point."

Emile was wrapped in his own yellow coat and Remy's black coat (well, one of his three black coats; this particular one he got on a trip to Disneyland when his dad worked on the national tour of some musical, he already forgot) and was still freezing. How in the…

"Do you want to go to Starbucks and get a hot chocolate?"

"Is Starbucks even open at this hour?"

"There's one on fifteen hundred. It's open twenty-four hours."

"...okay, fine." Remy offered his hand and Emile quickly wrapped his arm around Remy's, allowing him to lead the way.

1500 Broadway wasn't the closest to the ball, but Remy was sure that they could make it there and back.

Maybe it was a bit of wishful thinking, but he was going to be an optimist this time.

11:58:28 29 30 31… p.m.

"We never told Juliana that we're going," Emile muttered through chittering teeth. "My mom is going to be so mad—"

"Emile, babe, calm down. We're almost there."

The huge building was already in their line of sight, and Remy couldn't feel happier. He could totally use a latte right about now, and Emile obviously needed a hot chocolate and a cookie. The poor thing was seconds away from becoming a human icicle.

He didn't want to be responsible for his best friend suffering from hypothermia, after all.

"You see that huge building over there?" Remy couldn't make out if Emile was nodding under all his layers or what.

"What about it?"

"We're gonna go to Starbucks in there, okay?"

"You're an addict, you know that?"

Remy didn't listen. So he liked his Starbucks, so what.

He dragged Emile behind him.

11:59:38 39 40 41… p.m.

The line was moving awfully slow for some reason. Remy had no fucking idea why so many people were at Starbucks so close to the ball drop…

Well, he was being a bit of a hypocrite.

"Can we get something to eat too?" Emile whispered to him, standing on his toes. The black coat from Disneyland was back in Remy's possession. The building was warm enough.

"Sure, why not?"

"Thanks, sweetie!"

Sweetie. Holy shit

"Schmuel would work till half past ten at his tailor shop in Klimovich," Emile sang to himself. Remy remembered that song very well. Norbert Leo Butz had a very… interesting way of singing it.

Then again, he never heard anyone else sing it.

He would ask Emile where he heard that song later.

"Forty-one years had come and gone at his tailor shop in Klimovich—"

"Ten, nine, eight…" oh crap.

Remy grabbed Emile's shoulder, shutting him up momentarily. It took just a couple of moments for either of them to fully realize what was going on before—

They kissed.

If there were fireworks they were blinded by the fluorescent lights and deafened by the loud cheers all around them, but they still kissed.

Kissing his blond was very different from kissing his boyfriend. Not that it felt wrong or anything, just... different. Nothing forced, nothing too overpowering. It was lovely, and sweet, and Emile was as soft as always. Nothing felt wrong there.

Not even the little voice that said that Chris won't like it. He wasn't there. He didn't need to know.

And so, they kissed.

——

Wednesday, January 1st, 2003

00:17 a.m.

"You saw The Last Five Years?" Remy asked, a cup of latte warming his rather freezing hands as he walked Emile back to his hotel (Juliana left them to go to a party in Greenwich Village).

"I didn't go to school for anything but my exams from mid-April. I saw that musical so many times, I kinda lost count."

"Oh, okay. Cool."

#kylo cant write #sanders sides #remy/sleep #emile picani #remile...? remile #keep him safe #sleep is for the weak #the remy centric prequel #tw: period appropriate transphobia

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goddess-help-us · 2 years

Text

I have Covid

After nearly two years of trying to outrun Covid, I lost my pace. My risk is low. I'm fully vaccinated, boosted, have pretty good physical health and no pre-existing conditions. The thing that still weirds me out is how careful I'd been since I arrived here in California about 2.5 weeks ago. I drove to reduce my exposure to confined spaces with other people, I tested the morning and evening of the day I arrived here in California, and I only went out to indoors spaces that weren't my parents' house to grab food while wearing a KN95 mask. I did leave to meet friends unmasked in outdoor spaces but at no time was I ever in an indoor space without a mask since I arrived. Earlier variants could have an incubation period of up to 14 days but Delta's and Omicron's average incubation periods are now much shorter at 3 to 5 and 1 to 2 days, respectively. In the two days prior to my first symptoms (on Monday) I left the house only once to grab a coffee while wearing my KN95. I was inside the coffee shop for maybe 5 to 6 minutes total?

I initially thought my sore throat on Monday was just dry throat from the heater drying out the air in my room too much. I shrugged it off and went about my routine. When I woke up on Tuesday, however, and felt a much stronger sore throat symptom I thought something was off. I asked my mom for a home kit test and it came back negative. My dad was already sick a cold at the time so I thought I simply caught whatever he had. I decided, though, to go ahead and get a PCR test for safe measure. PCR testing seems to be backed up almost everywhere so I didn't expect a result to get back to me for a few days. On Thursday morning, I was sitting at my desk and I started feeling a tension in my chest and I thought it was unusual. I took a second home test and almost in three minutes I came back positive.

Both my parents are high risk and only of them is healthy to receive the vaccine so we immediately launched into an effort to Covid proof the house and isolate me. I've been in my sister's old room in the garage since yesterday noontime. It's technically Day 5 of my infection and I'm not showing any improvement so I'm going to do the full 10 days of isolation. My symptoms are "mild" but this sore throat is one of the most stubborn I've had in almost ten years. I'm also worried about developing long Covid especially since I'm having a mild case. So far I think I should be able to avoid the ER but I'll keep monitoring my condition.

Also, I'm a little bummed that my whole trip here has been rife with cancelations and lots of time spent looking for tests, scheduling tests, on the phone or on the web seeking seemingly conflicting health guidance, et al. I'm just kinda glad it happened over Winter Break and not during the semester. I'll check back in five more days and hopefully conditions will have improved by then.

#personal #2nd year grad school #covid #covid depression #denver #colorado #queer #gay

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clumsyclifford · 4 years

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oh that's amazing!! also if i remember correctly your midterm is due today i hope everything went well and just in case you're still working on it (or if you're working on anything else really) i'm sending more good academic vibes since they apparently seem to work 😊

i did like it in theory but it was just slightly too upbeat for me atm 🙈 however i will add it to my happy playlist too bc it's really perfect for that and i'm glad you enjoy your happy playlist so much 😊

oh my god 8 hours look at you go! i'm really hoping that'll continue bc i'm very worried about your sleeping habits 😅

listen i love my formatting power so much i can't believe i get to do all these things now

that is correct noah kahan really just can't disappoint. i mean at first i was a bit wary of pride but now i listened a couple of times and i love it

(i wanted to keep this format for one more ask at least but i'm gonna put the blink stuff at the end)

... i wear that so often 😅 it's the perfect thing for autumn bc like it's too cold for just a leather jacket but i'm also not willing to wear a coat bc that's too warm so mix of hoodie and leather jacket = perfection. it's all about comfort and me being obsessed with wearing leather jackets

i'm very happy to hear that 💕 also hope that'll not come crashing down you deserve this! i'm okay-ish. not too bad but i start an internship next week and that's very scary for a couple of reasons and also the fucking time change fucked over my sleeping habits but i'm drinking lots of tea so at least i'm hydrated

okay thank you very much for the recs i already know two or three of them and love those so that's something and i don't mind at all that they're mostly from one album don't worry 🙈 and i think i'll bother heath about it when i listened to your recs and need more but thank you for the idea already 😊 & oh well what i've perceived to be blink essentials are i miss you, all the small things, what's my age again and first date. like those are just the ones i heard about most. however i do also know always (love it) and also going away to college bc you mentioned them in your fics 😅 OKAY WHAT THE FUCK spotify is really listening it just started playing always!! love that -fiancee

yes my midterm was due today!! well technically yesterday. BUT i actually turned it in on monday!!!!!! it was done and submitted a WHOLE DAY EARLY!!!! idk who the fuck i am but i’m proud of her. the academic vibes are responsible i’m sure so thank you

okay fair enough !!!! yes thank you it’s nice to have a playlist specifically for feeling Happy you know? so. yeah. and i KNOW right??? absolute insanity and i will probably get eight hours AGAIN tonight maybe more if i’m reeeeally responsible SO LIKE???? who AM i !!!!!!!!

okay im not answering in a numbered list but....yeah. YEAH. pride. mmmm i’m gonna go listen to it right now actually GOD what a good fucking song i am seriously obsessed with noah kahan’s voice it’s just!!! it’s so!!!! like!!!!!!!!!!!!! mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

.........i just like. i CANNOT understand that. i don’t wear jackets either i’m not a jackets person so if a hoodie isn’t warm enough then what a damn shame guess i’ll be cold !!! i’m very committed to the Aesthetic dflkgmdfklgmsfj......maybe I Am The Problem

well congrats on the internship!! i’m sorry it’s scary though BUT i have immense faith in you and am sending you good internship vibes. also good luck with the sleep schedule i am sure i will be having similar problems very soon when WE have the time change so wish me luck!! (or maybe my sleep schedule is too fucked for it to have an effect hmmmm we will see) however i am extremely envious of your tea and am glad to hear you’re hydrated at least

oh okay yeah i’d agree w those blink essentials. and also i would add the rock show but that might just be a me one who knows. oh and dammit!!!! def dammit. if you’ve not heard it then add dammit to the list of recs. also yes absolutely, no question that spotify is listening. for sure

#i have literally zero doubt in my mind. i know ive said it before and ill say it again #spotify IS telepathic and it IS reading all of my data up to and including my thoughts #but i'm FINE with it!! because it gives me GOOD SONGS!!!#lmao #fiancee anon #took me a sec to get to this thank u for the patience my love #i did however see you listening to noah kahan the other day and i went !!!#thats my playlist!!!!#retroactively: is it okay. that i followed you on spotify #i just like to perceive my friends BUT if you say no i can unfollow you say no more about it #yes i should def have asked beforehand i am sorry #okay love you x #anonymous #ask #answered

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