on the note of yj in owaw im also thinking about this bit of tim narration from yj98 #36...

tim is feeling betrayed and frustrated (understandably), but what stands out to me is how he thinks of "that whole guardian fiasco". in the earlier yj owaw tie-in, he and the others express disapproval of kon for "stealing government property":

they let it go at the end to move on, but...

but like, the baby in question is a cadmus clone (just like superboy himself), cloned from a man who expressly wished that he not be cloned and forced back into the fight after his death.

as an aside, clone baby guardian arc is possibly the BEST in sb94 - it's about bodily autonomy and the humanity and personhood of clones, and the dignity that should be afforded to all people vs the way waller & spence etc want to treat them as property and disposable, reusable weapons.

so i think overall tim and the rest of yj talking about that situation like this... well, those plot threads overall got dropped in the general aftermath of owaw, but it feels like a real missing scene to me. because realistically, given everything kon stands for and everything he went through for baby guardian's sake, to give him the right to choose, i think tim and the others all talking about it like "it's the government so they must be right" would not sit well with kon. (and frankly, would be a pretty solid in-universe reason for kon to further mistrust their orders re: rescuing the suicide squad members, leading up to him disobeying and trying to save steel.)

owaw is arguably the most serious conflict anyone in yj has been involved in up to this point (kon and bart were both present for genesis, but genesis wasn't... Like This, imo. kon was also involved at the destruction of coast city, but this is kind of a tangent.) my point is, up until this point, they are all kinda operating under the assumption that the government is generally on the side of the good guys. this is partly bc of how comics are written, of course, but also makes sense as an in-universe stance for most young heroes to take; tim in particular is definitely a lawful good, and at this point he doesn't understand that his personal rules don't always 100% line up with what the greater authority of The Government dictates.

kon is a contrast to this, because kon does not have the whole "grew up with a family as a part of normal society" backstory like tim and cassie do. kon's involvement with cadmus, a government-funded organization, generally is written such that cadmus are good, except that the closer we get to owaw, the more questionable their intent seems. we see the agenda and their push for eugenics. we see guardian being treated as a tool and not a person. we see waller taking over.

anyways, all of this is kind of to say - i think it's a real shame we don't actually see a big conversation between tim and kon in the aftermath of this. i want to SEE tim get that first real big crack in his worldview that makes him start to think that huh. maybe if lying to small time authority figures for the sake of doing good, like me lying to my dad about being robin, is justified... then maybe directly disobeying the law in the name of doing good is also justified. like, i want kon to look him in the eye and ask "do you think i'm government property, too, then, jackass?" and i want tim to have to really sit back and think on it. i wanna see that character development.

because like - it is a flawed viewpoint, that tim and the rest of yj were written to treat kon trying to free a baby like this. but it's also not an unrealistic one when they're all teenagers who haven't really necessarily had to face moral quandaries of "what's right vs what's lawful" with such high stakes before. i wish this plot had actually gone more places with everyone.

Okay Hiii me back!! Time to talk about Book Enzo (Honestly the best iteration of Enzo) and an insight on him because I feel people look at book Enzo so one noted and it's very frustrating to watch so okay.

Context: The Book was where Nicky's friends were mostly introduced (This was during a time when SN wasn't considered part of the lore so no Finch, no Ivan and no Delroy and Leader, Brave and Detective were separate cause like Maritza and Enzo were hinted to be dark skinned mexicans) Enzo in the books was also very different in the two books.

Yes he IS a nerd he HAS nerd qualities but he was also had a very sharp tongue and will opp out of a conversation when Aaron is brought in as a topic. And book 2 is where Enzo stole alot of the show cause of his arc and turnaround and also his argument with Nick in chapter 7 and the iconic:

"Have fun alone." While Jackson 5 is blasting in the bg

He also did something somewhat of a prick move which was: ditching Nick & Maritza to instead hang with kids whom he had zero platonic compatibility with and allowing them to walk all over him (Like them giving him an embarrassing nickname) and though in the end of the book he does have a turn around and make up with Nick. Alot of people by that time see Enzo as a prick/mean girl/idk whatever u wanna call him. Ik 14 year old me did at the time till I reread it and started to be charmed and eventually now I usually tend to defend some of his actions of book 1-2 (3 I'll tab in a bit l8r)

Okay, let's start w the easy one which is Enzo telling Nick off in chapter 7 about staying away from Maritza & Trinny: In book 1 Enzo told Nick "Oh btw your neighbor cornered my sister and told her about her dead friend flying" and to which Nick then met up with Maritza irl by book 2 and the two shared a bond over them losing a close friend while amidst Nick falling out w Enzo. So let's go back to that first sentence in blue: imagine a friend of yours is friends with someone who the adult figure in their life said something pretty horrifying to a family member, to which you tell them about it & instead of that friend backing off that friend with the scummy adult figure they instead put your family member risking their life for investigating on that scummy adult figure behind your back cause they thought you simply just want to hide behind your tail and not confront the situation, and mind you. You and the friend are both 12.

Now let me say this: Yes it was somewhat scummy for Enzo to try and avoid it at all costs especially when Maritza was hurt he did not take into consideration her feelings BUT the situation could've been bad had Maritza been closed off to the topic about her two dear friends & being thrust into foregoing to investigate a man who said creepy shit to you by someone you kinda met through your brother. Yeah, Enzo HAD a reason for what he said about Nick staying away from Trinity and Maritza two people who he not only cares about but HAS HISTORY. I love Nick but it is stupidly dangerous how he set up 2 other kids to investigate with him and doesn't think of how DANGEROUS that is especially since in the books it is HEAVILY IMPLIED THEODORE ABUSES AARON.

This isn't a case of unreliable narration or the author forgot to add it in it's a case where the POV doesn't understand why the character feels like that way, it's Nick POV at the end of the day he doesn't have all the answers but it's hinted.

They're meant to be a parallel to their own fathers' how-to approach to an article on Theodore except switched on its heads. So yeah how do you expect a bunch of 12-year-olds to react to someone being kidnapped?

Aaron & Enzo: Okay in general this is something I always kept in mind about the books especially cause this was intended by the author:

Enzo and (the rest of the kids too not just him.) Are meant to be flawed so it's not a surprise personally he doesn't want to be affiliated with something as macabre as Lucy's death or the Petersons anymore and is again trying to cope (He's 12 his mind is at the end of the day still developing) but it just doesn't work. My only complaint was I wished we could've seen a scene where Enzo realizes Ruben and Seth didn't care for him. But with what we have I much rather have it be implied through Enzo not making it to the basketball team and finally Enzo and Nick making up and going to Miguel for help. Nick & Enzo CARE about the people they love they unfortunately butt heads over how to approach it with Enzo wanting Nick to do nothing while Nick wants Enzo to do something. They don't HATE each other I do not understand where that is coming from especially cause Nick was so quick to forgive Enzo even wanting to hug him like... They care for each other, they just clashed about how to approach a very heavy situation that will likely get police involved.

And as for Enzo falling out with Aaron, obviously, it's the Maritza situation I want to irritate though that yes Aaron isn't at fault Enzo probably with the influence of Miguel shaped his mindset that Aaron and Mya are people he should stay away from in order not to be sucked in by Theodore's toxicity (Cause that book they were all 10 and had brains that soak up like a sponge)

Okay time to talk generally about book 3: It's a very weak book that forces the characters to be written out of a plot for the final scene which was planned out. And though yes Enzo abandoned Nick (with like also Trinity and Maritza)

Oh right I totally forgot HNVR exist despite how book 3 seems to have written them not wanting to do with anything w Nick! let's all actively pretend book 3 never existed:

Okay, I'll try my only defense for him in book 3 is: Everyone was written stupidly for a forced conflict but I think cause as a reader I was desensitized to Enzo being mean it doesn't come off as left field for me as Trinity and Maritza also he was the last one to opp which again says alot. Also HNVR says otherwise let's pretend they realize how stupid they were and then wanted to apologize only for Nick to be missing let's say that (or pretend book 3 never exist)

So yes this is my gushing about the book Enzo and why I believe he's the most well-written character in the books and what I think alot of people tend to miss out... I wish Enzo was more studied on like this on the same levels as Ted tbh lol

I love these four... I will talk about these four... Please let me talk about their book versions of them so bad you have no idea how much I will go the 7 seas to defend them like a soccer mom.

TW: Death, grief, violence.

Author's note: Hiya ! So here's a story about Jason Todd ! I'm doing Barry next. Please tell me what you think about if and if you want me to write a second part or not. Also I'm sorry it's quite sad ! Enjoy !

You woke up in your bed, greeted by the dim light filtering through the curtains on this cloudy day in Gotham. Turning to the empty space beside you, you couldn't help but let out a sigh. Today marked Jason’s death anniversary, and each passing year seemed to weigh heavier on your heart.

Sitting on the edge of your bed, you gazed at the photograph resting nearby, a cherished memory frozen in time. It captured you and Jason in the serene embrace of Wayne Manor's garden, back when life felt simpler and the future held endless promise. Both of you were just sixteen then, your smiles reflecting the innocence of youth. But mere months after that joyful moment, the cruel hands of fate tore Jason away from you forever, a casualty in the ceaseless war against the Joker.

Jason was your first love, a flame that burned brightly in the short time you shared together. Though your teenage years were marked by the chaos of Gotham's streets and the weight of responsibility as part of Batman's team, in Jason's arms, you found solace and a sense of belonging.

Even though your time together lasted  just over a year before tragedy struck, you knew deep in your heart that Jason was the one. A decade had passed since that fateful day, yet the ache of his absence still lingered, a void that no other love could fill. Despite attempts to move on, to find solace in the arms of others, nothing could compare to the bond you shared with Jason. In the years that followed, there were fleeting connections, shallow romances, and empty encounters, but never again did you experience the depth of emotion and connection that defined your relationship with Jason. It felt as though your heart had been forever tethered to his, leaving you yearning for a love that could never be replaced.

You dressed in the familiar attire of your alter ego, preparing yourself to descend into the depths of the Batcave. You had spent five years after Jason’s death not talking to Bruce, the wounds of Jason's loss driving a wedge between you. Yet, the call to protect Gotham remained stronger than the bitterness that lingered in your heart. With resolve, you adopted a new costume and a new name, trying to leave behind the memories of your former self and the pain of losing Jason.

Stepping into the Batcave, the weight of grief hung heavy in the air, palpable even in the dim light of the cavernous space. The silence was suffocating, each member of your small, fractured family lost in their own private sorrow. It felt as though the very walls of the cave echoed with the echoes of your collective pain, a constant reminder of the loss that had brought you all to this moment.

Breaking the heavy silence, Alfred's gentle voice cut through the sombre atmosphere, offering tea as a small gesture of comfort. You accepted gratefully, taking a seat beside Bruce, the years of distance and resentment momentarily forgotten in the shared weight of your grief.

“There’s uh… a new guy in town. Appeared this morning, he robbed a warehouse,” Batman sighed, his hand rubbing his temple in frustration. “Goes by the name Redhood apparently, and his helmet and name seem to be inspired by the Joker’s first identity…”

You let out a weary sigh. “Another fool devoted to the Joker and his madness… great.”

“Yeah… uh… I tracked down what he’s looking for. This guy seems to be trying to build some type of grenade. It's not quite clear, but there’s a chance he’s going to try to break into the STAR Labs warehouse close to the docks tonight. Do you want to take care of it?” Batman's gaze remained fixed elsewhere, his reluctance to meet your eyes palpable. Today, of all days, his guilt and shame weighed heavily upon him, a burden you knew all too well. You had blamed him for Jason's death for years, said things you now regretted deeply. Though you had both spoken about it and tried to move on, the pain lingered, making every interaction a struggle for both of you.

You nodded solemnly. “I’m on it.”

You arrived at the dock as nightfall descended, perched on the roof of the warehouse opposite the STAR Labs building. Through the downpour, you observed figures, likely henchmen of Redhood, attempting to breach the facility. You chose to take your time, waiting to be sure of their numbers before engaging in combat. The rain battered relentlessly, obscuring your vision and adding an extra layer of challenge to the impending confrontation.

“You should watch your back,” a distorted voice rasped behind you. Surprised, you whirled around to face Redhood, his menacing presence looming before you. He pointed at you and let out a chuckle “ I see the old man still has fools to follow him in his war against crime. Let’s see if he still knows how to train fools like you !” 

In the ensuing clash, you found yourself outmanoeuvred and overpowered by Redhood's uncanny skill. Each strike seemed anticipated, every defensive move countered effortlessly. Despite your reputation as a formidable fighter, you struggled to comprehend your sudden struggle.

Summoning every bit of strength you had left, you initiated a move you rarely used, the one you once deemed your signature. But to your astonishment, Redhood intercepted it with ease, seizing you and pinning you against the cold, unforgiving wall. 

“I can’t believe it… Y/N how can you still work with him…” Redhood said in a whisper before taking a few steps back from you.

A wave of disbelief washed over you. He knew your name, your techniques, and referred to Bruce as "the old man." It couldn't be... yet there was no denying the truth that stared back at you.

With a flick of his helmet, Redhood revealed the face beneath, the face you thought you'd never see again. It was Jason, older and scarred, yet undeniably alive. As your eyes locked with his, a rush of memories flooded your mind, the face you knew by heart, the one you woke up to every morning, kissed every night. But now, instead of the warmth and laughter you once shared, all you saw was anger etched into his features, and a jagged scar marred his once flawless visage, a cruel reminder of the Joker's heinous act that had robbed you of Jason years ago. The revelation shattered your world, leaving you kneeling in the rain, tears mingling with the relentless downpour.

“J-Jason?” you whispered, your voice trembling with disbelief. “How... how is this possible?” The torrent of emotions overwhelmed you as you gazed upon the face of the man you thought lost forever 

You couldn't tear your gaze away from his face. The face you believed was lost to you forever. Yet, as you beheld him, a bittersweet ache gripped your heart at the sight of the scar across his once familiar face. Time seemed to stand still as you knelt there, tears mingling with the rain, confronted with the painful reality of seeing the love of your life, now marked by the cruelty of the Joker.

As he stood before you, a tumult of emotions swirling within you: confusion, hope, and a crushing wave of guilt. Guilt for not searching for him, for allowing years of grief to consume you while he was left with pain and anger. The revelation left you grappling with the weight of missed opportunities, the echoes of regret reverberating in the depths of your soul.

I've seen referenced several times a paraphrased quote attributed both to DBB and to Jen Corbett of Bad Batch that the show's creators ultimately decided to kill off Tech because they couldn't make season 3 work otherwise.

Hmm.

I rarely read interviews from creators about a storyline because I prefer to let the story tell itself and let the interpretations come as they will based on what the narrative itself presents. But in this case I looked up the quotes/interview simply because I had to know how in the blazes they came to the conclusion that a storyline HAD to involve Tech (or any Bad Batch member, for that matter) dying.

I have... thoughts. Lots of thoughts. RESPECTFUL thoughts, because I truly do think the writers/directors of this show are absolutely BRILLIANT (which is partly why I had such a difficult time during season 3 and it has taken quite a bit of reflection to come to terms with it... But I needed to come to terms with it because I love it so much I want to enjoy all of it in the future!) But fair warning: if you prefer not to read a post if the post's author isn't 100% in agreement with the show's creative choices, then this might not be the post for you.

Reference: https://www.starwars.com/news/brad-rau-jennifer-corbett-the-bad-batch-season-3-interview

Quote #1: “When we first started this show, we had hoped that we could get three seasons to tell this story," executive producer and head writer Jennifer Corbett tells StarWars.com. "We kicked Season 1 off with Order 66 and the team trying to figure out where they fit in the galaxy. We knew Season 2 was going to be a little bit darker, because we knew that the team was going to lose in some way. As the season progressed, it became clear that the way for them to lose is to essentially have the team be fractured. That's what happens when we lose Tech, and then also with Omega being taken by the Empire.”

I find the choice of words here - particularly "fracture" and "lose" - to be interesting. This is the quote that made me realize my original (starting in season 1) hopes for where the themes of the show would conclude had apparently never been in line with what the show was aiming for. The show's definition of the team "fracturing" and "los[ing] in some way" apparently had to include death and only came in the season 2 finale; whereas I considered the team to be "fractured" within the first 10 minutes of the pilot episode - as soon as Order 66 came through and Crosshair was susceptible to the inhibitor chip, the team was broken. And they weren't ever truly whole in the first place, given that Order 66 occurs before they meet Omega. For me, the team lost big time as soon as the show started.

So, while I went through the entire show (yes, I kept hoping Tech would come back in season 3) hoping the themes of family and never leaving family behind would conclude in at least one instance of this little clone family being whole and truly united again - considering the fact that they were broken since "Aftermath" - I realize now this hope was nigh impossible to fulfill given that the show didn't consider the team fractured upon Crosshair's departure and therefore felt the need to not only break it apart further, but break it permanently.

Quote #2: “There were a lot of conversations that went into that [killing off Tech], and we even tried to talk ourselves out of it many times, because he's such an important character to the show, to all of us and the crew, and we know he is important to the fans,” Corbett says. “But what we're showing in Season 2 is that the galaxy has changed and the Empire is now very powerful in the early years. So we were trying to be logical in the sense that, the Batch keeps putting themselves in these positions and, ultimately, there has to be a time when they do lose."

I can respect this decision, though (as I stated above), the entire show pretty much involves the Bad Batch losing in one way or another and personally I don't care for the idea that the only real way a team can lose (read: "stakes") is if death is involved. But that's just me, and I can get over this personal hang up.

Quote #3: Throughout, they’ll feel the loss of their brother. “It affected a lot of the logistics,” Brad Rau, executive producer, says. “The very mathematical logistics of how we normally would have the team operate was massively different without Tech there. But emotionally, the most important part, the way that the loss of Tech affected Omega, Hunter, Wrecker, Echo, and Crosshair, even throughout the whole season was, I wouldn't say heavier than we expected, but was definitely very heavy.”

I'm gonna be blunt: when first watching season 3, I felt the emotional impact of the loss of Tech for most of the squad was sorely lacking, and this is the main reason why I kept hoping right up through the epilogue that Tech would somehow show up.

Every. Single. Allusion. To. Tech in season 3 hit like a ton of bricks right to the gut. @eriexplosion described it extremely well (paraphrasing) as picking at a wound and not letting it fully heal. After some reflection following the series finale, I came to the conclusion that this might be because the Tech mentions were meant to show how the Batch - Crosshair in particular - were still feeling about the loss, and (in hindsight) it seemed that Crosshair felt deep guilt and pain over Tech's death all the way through season 3. (Heck, I now see Crosshair having a moment to honor Mayday early on but never truly honoring Tech as yet another indication that, while Crosshair felt grief over Mayday, he must have felt even deeper grief compounded with guilt and remorse over Tech that led to him essentially avoiding the subject.) So I guess it turns out my conclusion fits the original intention of the creators.

Thing is, since we don't ever see any actual catharsis or healing for any of the Bad Batch members (Omega is the closest we get to it, and even that's a stretch), this aspect of the show does NOT land well for me - really, many times during season 3 it came across that the only real impact Tech's absence had on the team as a whole was that Hunter had to deal with datapads and decryption was harder. (There have been fan comments that if Tech had been around in season 3, the entire storyline would have been wrapped up in two episodes (and I actually rather agree with this) - but this headcanon/focus still only emphasizes Tech's role/function on the team, not his impact as a brother.)

Again, upon reflection I am quite willing to give the narrative the benefit of the doubt and say the excruciating emotional pain inflicted with every Tech mention was intended to show the impact of the loss on his family; but it was SO difficult to watch season 3 when this wasn't made clear from the get-go. And given that (based on reddit discussions I've seen) half the audience seemed to think the Bad Batch had long since moved on because "stoic soldiers/they have other priorities" while the other half thought the Bad Batch hadn't moved on and were avoiding the subject, I truly do think this ended up being a murky point - and it shouldn't have been.

This is where we get to the hill I will die on and my ONLY major criticism of the show: if Tech "had" to die and stay dead, there should have, at bare minimum, been a scene - even if it came at the end of the finale - where Tech's entire family finally had a chance to meaningfully acknowledge and honor Tech, even if it was brief such as Crosshair had with Mayday. If there had been any moment before the finale for any of Tech's brothers to honor and/or memorialize him, the contrast between that cathartic moment versus how the topic had been treated before/by his other siblings would have been more than adequate to cement early on the idea that the squad was still feeling the loss of Tech as an individual and a brother, thereby clarifying the show's intentions. And a moment for Tech's ENTIRE family (and friends) to honor him, even if it came at the end of the finale, would have closed out the dangling plot thread of Crosshair still feeling guilt and grief over Tech.

Anyway, while this interview didn't much change my own conclusions of how season 3 played out and what could have been done better, I am glad I read it since it provided at least a modicum of clarity as to what the show's intentions actually were - even if those intentions didn't always clearly come through in the narrative.

Me, looking at my Reverse!Robins timeline: “Steph probably doesn’t get her teen pregnancy story in this verse, because it ties weird knots around Tim taking up her mantle. Also because she joins the family much earlier, both as Damian’s apprentice & Bruce’s foster daughter, so she probably would not end up in the same situation to begin with. She also probably wouldn’t have had to give the kid up, because the family would be supporting Steph 1000%, giving her an incredibly stable & reliable support network to give her daughter the best possible life.”

Also me: *starts to write out the ear infection incident, has Jason call Steph “mom,” and Steph’s whole brain shuts down wondering whether this is what motherhood is actually like, how things would’ve gone different if she’d kept her kid instead*

Me, frustrated: “Where does that even fit in the timeline?! There’s no room for a pregnancy plot!”

today has been a day

1a) woke up early as hell to be productive before work

1b) still can't shake a sinus infection so I've been snuffling and miserable through the whole day

2) worked a whole 8 hour day in the baby room at the daycare

3) got a "wanna have sex" text on my way to my car (I did want to) however...

4) get home to my partners mad as hell bc our management company had to kill the vibe and announce our lot rent raise (another $55/month starting in July) so didn't actually get to have sex

5a) started planning to move out by July of next year so we looked at places for sale out of curiosity

5b) found a place we actually really like that is feasible right now

5c) called and left a voicemail for our financial advisor about it and also called an agent and scheduled a tour of the place for tomorrow

6a) as we're discussing what questions we have about the house to ask tomorrow my MIL calls bc...

6b) my husband's aunt just passed last week and they're dealing with funeral planning but deceased aunt's kids are being shitty (stealing her stuff from the house that she lived in with my MIL to sell/pawn)

6c) so husband is talking her down from a breakdown while also telling her to report the Aunt's car stolen bc it's technically held in probate but her son with a very storied criminal past took it from the house earlier today to "keep it safe"

7a) while that call is going on my mom texts me to tell me to approve an Amazon login which (long story short) is fraudulent so

7b) I have to completely reset my Amazon account and tell Mom how to actually deal with the recurring scam charge on my grandmother's credit card

8) finally get to finish making (and eat) the slow cooker dinner I started on before work today

oh and like twice through all of this phlem gets caught in my throat so badly that I have to go to the bathroom to deal with the threat of throwing up mucus. so that's been my day

I'm ready to go to bed

Hmmm I kinda want to make a side blog for RPG Maker game development related things to be able to talk to more experienced people in that community, but at the same time I both don’t really think I’d get much attention and don’t want to accidentally spoil my own game (^^ ; ).

I have a rough story, concept doodles, a tileset, some character sprites, an enemy that walks around but can’t initiate battle yet (if I even decide to have a battle system), a couple rooms with some events, and a functioning run button, but I’m still lost on how to do much else at the moment. Especially since this program has the ability for scripting, meaning I’ll probably have to learn and actually retain another coding language.

So, I’m not very far at all lol. Idk how well that’d go over on the established fandom website, but eh.

If they keep the “reds aren’t allowed to be friends with yellows/greens” rule on Limited Life I am going to start biting

My kitten baby a few summer ago, chillin on a copy of Mary Oliver’s Devotions

You and I will always be back then 💖

ive said this before and i do always feel bad about it but it is forever a bit vindicating to have a mental health professional/social worker/therapist/ etc whatever wince and show actual discomfort and horror when i tell them in detail about some of the shit i went through as a kid. like again i do feel bad too but the vindication of ”OH so im not crazy and too soft for getting crazy traumatized for life okay…” is real. whew

🦋

I should be asleep but all I can think about is how people use David and Chris Lawford’s drug addictions as some sort of proof for the curse and I’m so angry

bro i do not care if that one dude died i still dont wanna see ds//mp art

My grandfather and my godfather (a beloved neighbor and dear family friend) had a long standing bet- for one dollar- about who would die first. Both of them being slightly pessimistic (in the funny way), they both insisted that they themselves would be the first to die. Any time my grandfather had a health scare, he’d gleefully call up my godfather to boast that he’d be passing “any day now” and he was sure to win the bet. It was a big family joke and they were always amiably sparring and comparing notes about who was in worse shape, medically speaking.

When my grandfather was in hospice care dying of liver cancer, my godfather was quite ill also. It took him great effort to make the journey to see his dying friend. As he came into the room, supported by a family member, he shuffled to my grandpa’s bedside and silently handed him a dollar bill. He was ceding his loss of the bet, as they both knew who was going first. My grandpa had been in quite bad shape for a while and was no longer able to speak but let me tell you he snatched that dollar with unexpected strength and literally laughed aloud. He knew exactly what the gesture meant and he couldn’t help but find the humor within the grief. It was the last time any of us heard my grandpa laugh, as he passed shortly after.

When I talk about my appreciation for “dark humor” I’m not so much thinking about edgy jokes, but rather the human instinct to somehow, impossibly, both find and appreciate the absurdity that is so often folded into the profound grief of life and death. When I tell this story I think it kind of perturbs people sometimes, but it’s honestly one of my favorite memories about two men I really deeply admired. I could never hope for anything more than for my loved ones to remember me laughing until the very end, and taking joy in a little joke as one of my final acts.

Learning that fans hated Applejack and called her "boring" is crazyyy to me because I genuinely, unironically believe AJ's the most complex character in the main six.

Backstory-wise, she was born into a family of famers/blue collar workers who helped found the town she lives in. She grew up a habitual liar until she had the bad habit traumatized outta her. She lost both her parents and was orphaned at a young age, having to step up as her baby sister's mother figure. She's the only person in the main gang who's experienced this level of loss and grief (A Royal Problem reveals that AJ dreams about memories of being held by her parents as a baby). She moved to Manhattan to live with her wealthy family members, only to realize she'll never fit in or be accepted, even amongst her own family. The earlier seasons imply she and her family had money problems too (In The Ticket Master, AJ wants to go to the gala to earn money to buy new farm equipment and afford hip surgery for her grandma).

Personality-wise, she's a total people-pleaser/steamroller (with an occasional savior complex) who places her self worth on her independence and usefulness for other people, causing her to become a complete workaholic. In Applebuck Season, AJ stops taking care of herself because of her obsessive responsibilities for others and becomes completely dysfunctional. In Apple Family Reunion, AJ has a tearful breakdown because in she thinks she dishonored her family and tarnished her reputation as a potential leader –– an expectation and anxiety that's directly tied to her deceased parents, as shown in the episode's ending scene. In The Last Roundup, AJ abandons her family and friends out of shame because believes she failed them by not earning 1st place in a rodeo competition. She completely spirals emotionally when she isn't able to fulfill her duties toward others. Her need to be the best manifests in intense pride and competitiveness when others challenge her. And when her pride's broken, she cowers and physically hides herself.

Moreover, it's strongly implied that AJ has a deep-seated anger. The comics explore her ranting outbursts more. EQG also obviously has AJ yelling at and insulting Rarity in a jealous fit just to hurt her feelings (with a line that I could write a whole dissection on). And I'm certain I read in a post somewhere that in a Gameloft event, AJ's negative traits are listed as anger.

Subtextually, a lot of these flaws and anxieties can be (retroactively) linked to her parents' death, forcing her to grow up too quickly to become the adult/caregiver of the family (especially after her big brother becomes semiverbal). Notice how throughout the series, she's constantly acting as the "mom friend" of the group (despite everything, she manages to be the most emotionally mature of the bunch). Notice how AJ'll switch to a quieter, calmer tone when her friends are panicking and use soothing prompts and questions to talk them through their emotions/problems; something she'd definitely pick up while raising a child. Same with her stoicism and reluctance at crying or releasing emotions (something Pinkie explicitly points out). She also had a childhood relationship with Rara (which, if you were to give a queer reading, could easy be interpreted as her first 'aha' crush), who eventually left her life. (Interestingly enough, AJ also has an angry outburst with Rara for the same exact reasons as with EQG Rarity; jealous, upset that someone else is using and changing her). It's not hard to imagine an AJ with separation anxiety stemming from her mother and childhood friend/crush leaving. I'm also not above reading into AJ's relationship with her little sister (Y'all ever think about how AB never got to know her parents, even though she shares her father's colors and her mother's curly hair?).

AJ's stubbornness is a symptom of growing up too quickly as well. Who else to play with your baby sister when your brother goes nonverbal (not to discount Big Mac's role in raising AB)? Who else to wake up in the middle of the night to care for your crying baby sister when your grandma needs her rest? When you need to be 100% all the time for your family, you tend to become hard-stuck with a sense of moral superiority. You know what's best because you have to be your best because if you're aren't your best, then everything'll inevitably fall apart and it'll be your fault. And if you don't know what's best –– if you've been wrong the whole time –– that means you haven't been your best, which means you've failed the people who rely on you, which means you can't fulfill your role in the family/society, which makes you worthless . We've seen time and time again how this compulsive need to be right for the sake of others becomes self-destructive (Apple Family Reunion, Sound of Silence, all competitions against RD). We've seen in The Last Roundup how, when no longer at her best, AJ would rather remove herself from her community than confront them because she no longer feels of use to them.

But I guess it is kinda weird that AJ has "masculine" traits and isn't interested in men at all. It's totally justified that an aggressively straight, misogynistic male fandom would characterize her as a "boring background character." /s

At the time of writing this, it's 4:46AM.

Not wanting to add to the prev post, but I would like to know more about dreams and what they mean to people around the world without them being disrespected. How do they know what they mean? How do they know when it's from someone? How do they know it's a message and not just a story being explored?

Mine are so vivid and story-like and make me feel so much, but I have nothing to go from in what they could mean or be telling me.

When are they messages from myself or others? When are they warnings or suggestions? When are they just stories? And who could be trying to contact or help me when I don't know any names or spiritualities? How do I find any information when I've got nothing to go off from?