ALSO TRANSGENIC TRIALS ARE JUST LIKE THAT SOMETIMES MAN PLEASE SHUT UP

Hi! I really like your other takes on Underdark races, and wanted to ask if you had any thoughts on improving grimlocks? Beyond the permanent blindness they have and the whole being humans who adapted to the underdark, there doesn't seem to be a whole lot else done with them.

Monsters Reimagined: Grimlocks

Would it surprise anyone to learn that a d-list d&d monster has It's roots in 1800s ideas about eugenics and bad adaptations of genre fiction? No? Then you've been paying attention, top marks.

Asker is absolutely right in their assessment that there's not really much to grimlocks. They're one of many "hostile tribal primitives" that have filled out the monster roster ever since the original developers lifted them en mass from the pulp adventure stories they grew up reading.

A common theme among these pulp works and the early scifi that inspired it was devolution, the idea that a people could degrade from greatness back into an animistic nature. The most well known pop culture example would be HP lovecraft's deep ones, where the author's fears of race mixing manifest as monsters that literally push humanity back down the evolutionary ladder to the stage of fish.

There's plenty of different ways to explain the origin of this writing trend, but I like to chalk it up to an anxiety resulting from the widespread acceptance of Darwin's theory of evolution by a society that believed wholeheartedly in scientific racism. If intelligence (read: whiteness) wasn't just a god given right but was infact inheritable, then it could also be disinherited, bred out of a population whether by on purpose or by accident. This made it so important to practice good breeding (read: eugenics), to preserve the pure stock from falling to degeneracy (read: miscegenation) and introducing undesirable traits into the genepool.

We can see fear this with grimlocks, humanoids who were inherently lessened by their "adaptation" to life underground, losing their intelligence and eyesight and descending into a state of barbarism. Given that this is one of the few d&d monsters that mention evolution at all, we can trace this feature to their likely inspiration: The morlocks in H.G. Wells' Time machine, published a scant 36 years after Darwin published The Origin of Species.

I'm not well read enough to know whether Wells pioneered the idea of subhuman descendants, but I can say that most of his imitators missed the point of his writing: Wells saw in his day an increasingly indolent upper class inflicting brutal and dehumanizing labour conditions on the poor to support their own carefree lifestyle. He satirized this in his book by showing that while the descendants of the rich had devolved into beautiful, useless, idiots, the descendants of the workers devolved into subterranean ape-things who maintained the machinery that allowed the eden like existence of the rich while farming them for meat. Say what you will about Wells' race politics (Neither degenerate fop or inbred ape can withstand the smarts and strength of the enlightened colonial Englishman) but his writing was specifically class continuous, and the brutality of the morlocks was a direct result of the exploitation of working people in his own day and age.

When the morlocks were adapted into the grimlocks , the d&d writers kept their canibalistic streak but specifically removed their class based origins as well as their mechanical knowhow. This is a near identical process to what happened with a creature the worlocks helped inspire: Tolkien's orcs, which were likewise turned from a commentary on the brutality of the industrial age into warlike primitives. It's a bit of a trend.

If you wanted to "fix" the grimlocks I'd go one of two ways:

If you want to engage with themes of primality, make them legit underdark dwelling primates/australopithecus type of creatures, just figuring out tool use and language. Make the rumours of them being descended from cave-exploring humanoids a common myth made up by surface dwellers.

If you want to get spicy about it though, give them back their mechanical aptitude and maybe mix in a few more dashes of pulp "lost civilization" ancient aliens nonsense. Have them dwell in great mechanical complexes beneath the earth, worker drones who've long outlived the creatures that enslaved them and scribed mechanical knowledge into their very being. Originally denied understanding of the machines they toiled to build, work, and maintain, the grimlocks jealously guard the science they've spent generations reverse engineering, giving them the reputation of being violently territorial for those underdark travelers who venture too close to the megastructures they inhabit.

Artsource

DO WHITE HOLES EXIST??

Blog#369

Wednesday, January 24th, 2024.

Welcome back,

Most people are familiar with the concept of a black hole: a “hole” or extreme warping in space and time that endlessly devours any matter unfortunate enough to venture close to it. Even light can’t escape the inexorable gravitational influence of a black hole, meaning these spacetime events are completely dark and can only be seen from their effect on surrounding matter.

The same scientific theory that predicted the existence of black holes also predicts the existence of white holes, the opposite of black holes in almost every respect. Whereas black holes are endless takers of matter and energy, white holes (hypothetically) ceaselessly blast energy out into the universe. And since nothing can escape a black hole, nothing should be able to enter a white hole.

While black holes are tough to spot due to their lack of emissions, white holes should be bright fountains of radiation and, theoretically at least, should be difficult to miss. Yet, so far, astronomers haven’t been able to find any.

But that hasn’t deterred many prominent physicists, such as Italian theoretical physicist and science communicator Carlo Rovelli, from positing their existence. This shouldn’t be too surprising.

After all, general relativity has a good track record of theoretically predicting aspects of the universe well before they are discovered including black holes, gravitational waves, and the deviation of light known as gravitational lensing (which is used by instruments like the James Webb Space Telescope to see objects in the early universe).

Yet, white holes stubbornly remain the unfulfilled prediction of general relativity

Very simply, a white hole could be considered a black hole that runs backward in time. White holes would have some things in common with black holes: they would possess the characteristics of mass, angular momentum or “spin,” and electric charge.

Like black holes, because they have mass, white holes would attract matter toward them, at least at first.

The difference is that when matter and light pass the event horizon—the point at which the gravity is so strong, the escape velocity exceeds the speed of light—of a black hole, it would never actually be able to reach the “anti-event horizon” of the white hole. It is possible that matter that approaches the anti-event horizon of a white hole could be whipped away with an incredible amount of force.

The major difference between black holes and white holes is their formation. We know, thanks to the work of J. Robert Oppenheimer and collaborators, that when a massive star undergoes a complete gravitational collapse at the end of its nuclear fuel-burning life, its outer layers are blasted away in a supernova explosion while its core collapses to birth a black hole.

Yet if these death throes could somehow be “rewound” like a cosmic VCR—breaking all the laws of cause and effect in the process—that would not result in a white hole as the mathematics of Kruskal or Novikov surmise. Instead, this cosmic rewind button would just give us back a star on the brink of death.

That means there is actually no physical process in the universe that we know of that could create a white hole.

Originally published on www.popularmechanics.com

COMING UP!!

(Saturday, January 27th, 2024)

"WHAT IS THE 'MOST MYSTERIOUS STAR IN OUR UNIVERSE'??"

Kambara

Here I go again with croc stuff. Back to dealing with stuff thats longer established, let me tell you about Kambara, the oldest named mekosuchine and a genus that surprised me with the bulk of information behind it.

Kambara (which simply translates to "crocodile") is a genus of early mekosuchine that as of July 2023 contains four species, all from the Eocene of Queensland.

The first of these are Kambara murgonensis (Crocodile from Murgon) and Kambara implexidens (Interlocking Teeth Crocodile), both of which found at the same locality in Murgon, Queensland. The bones of both were in fact so intermingled that it was initially assumed that they represented a single species with highly variable anatomy, before the second species was recognized 3 years later.

There are a couple of differences between, but two are easiest to point out. For one, although being in the same size range (3-3.5 meters as adults), Kambara implexidens was a little more gracile. Furthermore, and the defining difference between them, K. implexidens (left) had interlocking teeth like a crocodile (bottom left), but K. murgonensis (right) had an overbite like an alligator (bottom right).

The next species named after these two was Kambara molnari (Molnar's Crocodile), but it's only known from much more limited material, the holotype being a lower jaw. Still some interesting information from this can be gathered. Which is that K. molnari seemingly represents an intermediate between interlocking dentition and an overbite. K. molnari wasn't found near Murgon, but in a different basin in Queensland, in the lower layers of the Rundle Formation.

Also from the Rundle Formation we have the most recently named and geologically youngest species, Kambara taraina (Crocodile Crocodile). Yeah the name is a bit redundant, but the logic of basing the species name on the  Darumbal dialect as a proxy for language of the Bailai People is a nice one. Anyhow, K. taraina is a return to form as it is also known from good material like the first two, stemming from yet another large fossil bed possibly representing a mass death site. It had interlocking dentition like K. implexidens, BUT, unlike the oldest two species it did not coexist with the other Rundle Kambara. Instead, K. taraina came after K. molnari had presumably gone extinct.

Shown below the paratype of K. taraina, the holotype of K. implexidens and the holotype of K. molnari.

I won't get into phylogeny too much other than that its usually thought off as one of the earliest branching mekosuchines, but details vary. Lee and Yates found that Australosuchus may be more basal, while Ristevski et al. recover Kalthifrons as the earliest branch, in both cases Kambara is only the second branching. There is one slightly odd alternative. Rio and Mannion do find it as the oldest branching mekosuchine....but also regard neither Quinkana nor Australosuchus as members of the clade...and further seemingly find "Asiatosuchus" germanicus to nest within Kambara? And then there's 2 out of the 8 trees by Ristevski, which show Kambara as a close relative to modern Crocodylids. But neither of those results match the current concensus and Rio and Mannion in general has a lot I disagree with.

Much more interesting is the postcrania and the implications for the lifestyle of Kambara. Now while we have a lot of bones from the rest of the body, given they were found in literal bonebeds, we don't know much about it. Crocodile fossils that aren't skulls are rarely described in detail. But there's still some information out there. Important here are Stein et al. 2012 and Buchanan's PhD thesis (which included the description of K. taraina, the one part that was formally published). Both looked at the postcrania and found that there are some differences to modern crocs. To keep things brief, while the anatomy is not nearly as derived as in a fully terrestrial croc, it does seem to suggest that Kambara would have had an easier time performing the crocodilian highwalk (shown below).

Again, this does not necessarily mean it lived on land, if anything the circumstances of the animals death seems to imply the opposite, but its still interesting. Buchanan suggests that this could have been used to walk through shallow water or bottom walking, and Stein et al. do point out that some adaptations of the limbs could also be advantages while swimming. The most important part to suggest that Kambara still lived in the water is the skull tho (well and it being found in freshwater habitats). The skull looks still remarkably like that of your generalist croc, somewhat flattened, nostrils on top, raised eyes, all that kind of stuff. So it presumably hunted like a modern croc and lived like a modern croc.

The exact lifestyle remains obscure tho. Again, generalist seems like the best supported hypothesis, but we don't know what kind of difference interlocking teeth and the overbite make. Theres some speculation of course. Mook for example proposed that an overbite functions like carnassial teeth in mammals, slicing and breaking, whereas interlocking dentition is better for gripping. While the difference in robustness between K. murgonensis and K. implexidens isn't that great, it could be suggested that the more robust species sliced and broke larger prey while the more gracile one dealt with slippery fish or struggling animals. Muscle attachments are also important, and those seem to show that the most recent species, Kambara taraina with interlocking teeth, had the greatest bite force and thus may have fed on larger prey than all its predecessors. But again, a lot of this requires further looking into.

We do have one singular piece of evidence for diet. The shell of a turtle from the Rundle Formation clearly bearing the tooth marks of Kambara. The bite marks show that the turtle was bitten multiple times, likely in an attempt to position it better in the mouth to bring it into position with the crushing back teeth or to swallow. Fun fact, this behavior is referred to as "juggling". But as you can see from the first figure, the Kambara in question was a bit cocky and picked a turtle way too large, eventually giving up. Sadly the turtle was very injured, and tho the wounds healed slightly, it eventually died from an infection.

For the last section I briefly want to cover some last notes on Kambara murgonensis and Kambara implexidens, more specifically their coexistence. Now I covered the potential difference in hunting and prey preference already, but theres some other stuff to consider. For example, although found in the same locality, it is possible that this cohabitation was not the status quo. Given it is a mass death site at a locality that is known to have undergone wet and dry seasons, it is not unreasonable to assume that these animals died during a drought (another point against terrestrial life too, as they could have just left otherwise). Now even today crocs will gather in large groups in such situations, trying to make the most of dwindling water sources. This could mean that both species typically inhabited different biomes and only came together because they were forced to. The same might have also happend to Kambara taraina, causing increased aggression and explaining the many injured specimens found. Anyhow, it is also a possibility that they weren't divided by species, but by size, age and maturity. Buchanan points out that there are different habitat preferences between nesting females and juveniles, subadults and adult males in modern saltwater crocodiles. Big males prefer open water, nesting females areas with denser vegetation and subadults should avoid both as they threaten hatchlings and could be eaten by cannibalistic males. So that could also factor into the distribution of Kambara. And notably, it is pointed out that the Murgon site preserves both hachlings and egg shales, but seems to lack animals of intermediate size, which could suggest it was a nesting site. Below a picture of an American Alligator and an American crocodile, simply because they remind me of Kambara and are an example of crocodilians that overlap in range, yet aren't super different like lets say Muggers and Gharials.

Alas Kambara suffers the mekosuchine curse, which is to say even with overwhelming material not much is actually published. Two bonebeds with all sorts of material, yet only 5 papers to its name, generally just accounting for the type description of each species + the humerus paper. A lot of the info presented is actually from L.A. Buchanan's PhD thesis, which did include the description of Kambara taraina. However, since the completion of the thesis in 2008, only the description of the species was actually published. Entire chapters dealing with pathologies, postcrania and potential ecological inferrence are all are only present through the thesis, which has thankfully been uploaded in 2017.

Nevertheless, its a fascinating animal and I hope I made some people curious. Wikipedia page: Kambara - Wikipedia

what's the origin story for dgdss? if you don't mind 🥺

oho! well. as it happens, i love telling this story.

if you want to know how my childhood best friend writing a short story about me ended up leading to me getting a big 5 book deal, read on.

tw for reference to self harm and some...... unpleasant commentary (not mine) about it later on, folks.

so.

i was homeschooled until my very last year of high school (yes, like mean girls, except my mean girl dominated the first 15 years of my life and that last year was just blissfully chill) and like many homeschooled children, i was a part of a co-op.

cool, right? it's like School Lite™ where you put a group of feral children in a classroom, except you're all varying ages and grade levels, and also, nobody in the room is an accredited teacher, and nobody seems to have an issue with this.

my mom and her mom were best friends, and we were born around the same time, so naturally, we were best friends too from birth, and we were part of the same co-op all through my elementary and junior high school years.

anyway. i won't air all of the dirty laundry regarding our early friendship, because the whole book deal thing doesn't touch it, and i also think there's no need to be pointing out the behaviour of an Actual Child in retrospect. all you need to know is that we were best friends, our relationship was fraught, and by the time we hit 12-13 it was to the degree that people started telling me, hey man, this is Very Strange Behaviour and You Might Be A Victim, and i had to go do some introspection.

the introspection led to the general conclusion oh shit, but we stayed friends, because obviously. when you're 13, breaking up with a best friend is literally The End of the world, and anyway, there was a lot of good in there too, right?

right?

anyway, things took a turn when we were about 14. i struggled heavily with mental illness and self harm as a closeted religious teenager (who'da thunk?) and i confided in her about a small fraction of what was going on, because she was my best friend. i didn't tell her details, because even then i knew what i was experiencing was heavier than was probably appropriate to burden another kid with (and i stand by it!), but she knew the gist.

several Tense moments resulted, one of which was the day she pointed out self harm scarring in front of other people and asked me what happened, ran away, and refused to talk further about it, so i had to talk to her mom, who told me i should apologize to her, considering my mental health struggle had been so difficult... for her.

yeah, you know the type of people we're dealing with, here.

she was determined to undermine me in front of our mutual friends. anything to make me look worse, in one way or another. anything to step just a little higher. if i was interested in something, here's a public dissertation on why it's a dumb thing to be interested in. if i had a crush, forget keeping it a secret, and forget the notion that it's normal, because it's not, it's stupid, and shallow to have a crush in the first place. if we had a similar interest, here's a dressing down about how all i ever do is steal the things she likes (even if i liked them first).

needless to say, by the time the whole deal with the short story is going down a few short years later, we're on the rocks.

let me set the scene. we hadn't seen each other in several months, due to the On The Rocks of it all, and were meeting up for coffee while our moms were also getting coffee. hashtag classic homeschooled behavior, etc.

we're catching up, and she tells me she needs to apologize for something. i am, as you might imagine, agog, considering the rarity of apologies from this girl. she tells me she wrote a short story and submitted it to her university journal to be published, and that in hindsight she thinks she should have asked for my permission first.

i am, obviously, suspicious. to her credit, she gives it to me to read through and then leaves to go do christmas shopping. it's a muddy-ish faux-deep piece about a narrator who has a best friend struggling with mental illness and self harm.

(oh, you might say. to which i say, yeeeeah.)

in the story, the narrator depicts the struggle of trying to care about somebody who is in pain, referring to the best friend as 'cariad' the whole way through, which is just so weird i'm not even going to touch on it. google it if you'd like. the line that i still remember (and will probably remember until the day i die) is the one where she describes her cariad as feeling the need to use a razor as a microphone.

i honestly don't recall what i said when she eventually came back, but i contained all of the aggression of a piece of pocket lint at the time, so i imagine it was along the lines of oh. yeah, okay. [insert image of the saddest wettest cat you've ever seen]

i never saw her again. we went our separate ways, and that was that. we never talked about it.

(the one upside of it was that my mom, with whom i have a Notoriously Contentious relationship, was outraged on my behalf. that was the first (in many years) and last (ever) time we were on the same side of a battle, so, you know. silver linings.)

but the real indignity of it to me was that my friend never really knew. i never really told her about what was happening in my head. she never knew why i was hurting myself, or how bad it got, because i did everything i could to keep that to myself, and at the end of the day, she thought it was all for attention to the degree she wrote a transparently biographical account of it and chose razor as a microphone as a phrase on purpose.

dead girls started as a way to process the complicated feelings i had about that friendship and then obviously ultimately became a whole different creature in the process. i wanted to write about how it felt to go through that never having had another close friendship to compare it to, and how confusing and nauseating it was to have other people point out shitty behaviour.

it became about healing when you can't get closure. how do you move on when you'll never know why somebody hurt you?

nothing that happens in the book is based on real life events between us, partly because i'm not a hypocrite, and partly because if your work can be traced back to your personal experiences, perhaps you should do what you can to be kind.

'my julia,' as i like to call her (she is not named julia, because, oh my god) is nothing like julia hoskins in appearance or general personality. but the way she made me feel? oh, that's all there. nora feels it the way i felt it.

i wrote dead girls back in 2020, and got agented with it in 3 weeks of sending my first query. we got a book deal for it with a penguin random house imprint 1 year later to the day, and next week it's going to be out in the world, and i'm not going to lie, it feels really damn good.

also, her short story got rejected by her university, because it was bad. so you might lose some, but you win some, too.

French fantasy review: Les flammes de la nuit

I do wonder why I make these posts – about French novels that I do not think were translated in English, reviewing them in English on an English-speaking website… I do know that some French people are lurking around under a mask of Englishness, but still, most people here are those that I guess will never have access to the novels I review… But oh well, I’ll do what I’ll do, as bizarre as it may sound: and what I’ll do is talk about the French fantasy.

I already translated a long time ago some articles written about the French fantasy literature, but here I will share my personal thoughts and favorites when it comes to this genre of fantasy that is considered “foreign” and “exotic” by the simple virtue of… not being written in English. France is the land of literature, and has already bred, nursed and thoroughly exploited and theorized the two genres that gave birth to the fantasy and yet are so hard to translate in English: the merveilleux of fables and epics, the fantastique of 19th century supernatural tales… Why wouldn’t France have fantasy too? The name of the genre stays English, unfortunately, but it has enough echoes and roots within our own féeries and surnaturel to find a place prepared for it since centuries…

Anyway, enough lyrical: let’s get into the meat of the subject, let’s dig to the bone, and I want to begin with “Les flammes de la nuit” (The flames of the night) by Michel Pagel.

When I picked up this book I was not expecting anything precisely from it, I was just curious. I had only ever heard of Michel Pagel through a huge and dark series of his called “La Comédie Inhumaine” that everybody loved and that was renowned as a dark and violent fantastique, but I never read it. The reason I picked up this book was due to its relationship with fairytales. If you do not know I am REALLY into fairytale stuff, I even have an entire sideblog just to talk about fairytales ( @adarkrainbow ). And this novel was advertised as being a fairytale subversion, so I thought, let’s get into it! [EDIT: I actually also had heard of Michel Pagel through another work of his that now I will definitively read, Le Roi d’Août, a supernatural historical novel that faithfully retells the biography of the king Philippe Auguste… While filling some historical blanks in his life by the intervention and encounter of the supernatural folks hiding within the French landscape.]

Most notably, when I checked briefly online reviews to see if I should get the book, all agreed on a same thing: all said that the book was absolutely great, with wonderful ideas and powerful characters… until the very end which had disappointed everybody (at least at the time the reviews were made, so by the 2000s/early 2010s). As a result I went into this novel saying to myself “Okay, the beginning and middle will be great, the end will be bad, get ready”. And… what a surprise! The ending was not bad at all. A bit confused and rushed but… it was a good ending. Or rather a fitting ending (because it is not a happy or positive one, nor is it a negative one – it is a grandiose, tragic, bittersweet but hopeful ending perfect for the tone of the novel and the project the author set upon himself). If you ask me, all the reviews were wrong – and I had been deceived for the best, since the novel surpassed what I was expecting. Now, I won’t throw the stone, I actually understand why these readers were disappointed with the ending and I’ll explain why (spoiler: it is a question of context and point of view). For now, I’ll simply say that I greatly love this novel which definitively goes into my top French fantasy novels.

In terms of editions and publications, a few indications… This is one of those typical edition thingies that are so peculiar to France. The novel was originally published as a series of novellas. Four in total, between 1985 and 1987, in the “Anticipations” collection of the Fleuve Noir publishing house (it was still in this era where in France fantasy and sci-fi were sold together as one and the same). Later, the four novellas were collected into one full volume, one novel divided into four parts. This complete volume was published in 2000 (in a small format by the J’ai Lu Poche Fantasy, in a large format by Denoël collection Lunes d'encre), and it is both the version I read and the one most people refer to when talking about “Les flammes de la nuit”. I do not know if the text was edited or slightly rewritten for this new format – I don’t think so, but I have to admit the text felt so much like an early 2000s story I was quite surprised it came from the mid-80s… There’s quite notably the fact the main character is openly bisexual, but hey, the 80s in France were quite a time too… More recently in 2014 Les Moutons Electrique republished the integral in a large format, and then in 2022 in a middle format, proving this novel’s great and enduring success.

 [Note: As I am writing this post I made a quick checklist and I just discovered that Michel Pagel actually was the French translator of Neil Gaiman’s Anansi Boys and American Gods, as well as of Gary Gygax’s Monster Manual for D&D… Wow, that was a total surprise – and it does explain some things, I notably see how Neil Gaiman’s writing could have had an influence over this novel…]

Let me briefly set you in the mood the very first pages plunge the reader into… We follow an old man who is travelling on a pilgrimage to a great lake at the center of a medieval kingdom name Fuinör. He isn’t just any old man: it is but one of his masks. He is the Enchanter, a great and powerful wizard as old as the universe itself, a supernatural being known to take many forms, and who can be as much a wild animal of omens as a seducing woman luring knights to an uncertain doom… Once he reaches the great lake, called the Mirror for its still waters form the perfect reflection of the sky and the sun above it, in a great burst of light, the sun disappears… and reappears. But the sun is not golden anymore: it is green. And with the sun everything changed color within Fuinör: the sky is not blue but indigo, the sea is the color of emerald, the trees have blue leaves, human skin is orange… And this is perfectly normal, for in the world of Fuinör, every seven years the sun is reborn above the lake, turning into a different color, and with it everything in the world also changes its hue. And as such, seven year by seven year, the light goes through all the seven colors of the rainbow…

This sets the stage for what “Les flammes de la nuit” is. And it is many, many things, a story which likes the sun of Fuinör undergoes different stages and tones (the serial publication helps this feeling of slow transition and evolution throughout the novel).

The story opens as an open, cynical and dark parody of fairytales – for the world of Fuinör is a world of stock fairytales. It is a world in which, when the king has a daughter, seven fairies, each for each color of the rainbow, arrive to bless her with all the usual gifts – beauty, grace, singing – while carefully avoiding anything like strength or intelligence, for these are male gifts for those destined to rule. It is a world in which, when the queen gives an heir to her king (and there is always only one king and one queen), she must die in labor – and if she happens to survive… then the royal doctor must prepare a certain powder to make sure the queen respects the tradition. It is a world where barons often declare themselves vile rebels and wicked usurpers and try to overthrow the high king… but they are always defeated because the law claims there can only be one rebellion at a time, and each baron must warn in advance the king and let him decide how, when and where he wants to do the battle. It is a world where there is a land for each thing – quite literally. Fuinör is divided into different “countries” each dedicated to a specific area: there is a land of Hunting, where the hunts take place, and any hunting elsewhere is outlawed. There is a land for War, and nobody would ever think of waging war elsewhere than there. There is a land for Love, and all love and romance and sex can only take place within its boundaries. Such as the laws, and the customs, and the traditions, and they have always been since the beginning of time…

Fuinör is a mix of all the classical fairytales and the traditional medieval romance and Arthurian tales – but all taken to an extreme. Fuinör is a world stuck in an endless cycle of loops, where the events all repeat themselves in the same way with predictable end, where everyone is given a specific role and fate since birth, where everything is stuck under an order that has been decided by ominous gods a long time ago, and where no surprise and no disorder can ever happen. The brave knights in shining armor always win the heart of princesses, the high king is always victorious of anyone that tries to take his throne – and if someone ever does, THEY are the rightful high king and the other is the usurper – and the peasants… well who cares, they don’t count, they’re not even considered human, they are just here to work and be background props.

But things will change… Things will change thanks to the Enchanter, who decides that when the new princess of the kingdom is born, little Rowena, she shall receive a gift no other princess ever received… the gift of intelligence. An intelligence that will allow her to understand the absurd logic of her world, and use the sclerosis of archetypes and the rigidity of millennia-old customs to her advantage. An intelligence that will make her greater and more powerful than anyone – an intelligence that will threaten the very existence of Fuinör… Thus is the beginning of “Les Flammes de la Nuit”.

The beginning of the novel, Rowena’s own youth and story, is clearly designed to deconstruct all the archetypes, stereotypes and point out all the bad side of both the generic fairytale (especially Disney’s version of fairytales – the novel is filled with jabs at Disney and the “Americanized” fairytale, the seven fairies being basically Disney’s fairy godmothers mixed with Glinda from The Wizard of Oz MGM movie) and of the Arthurian romance as we know it today. It does not mean Michel Pagel hates those genres, quite the contrary! This book heavily pays homage to both domain, in which Pagel has clearly a great interest. In fact, this book is much more “medieval romance/Arthurian epic” than fairytale in tone, and while anybody who saw the Disney movies or read Perrault will get the fairytale references, I do believe someone with zero knowledge of the Arthuriana will miss a LOT of cultural jokes and clever references in this text. From the get go the Enchanter is clearly supposed to be inspired by Merlin from the Arthurian myth – but not the Disneyified, Americanized Merlin. The original Merlin, Myrddinn, the mythical, legendary, ambiguous and terrifying entity that exists beyond shapes and times and manipulates fate as he pleases… In a similar way, if you haven’t done any research on the evolution of the legend of Avalon you won’t get how twisted and cool the climax within the domain of the Fairies is… But I won’t reveal too much spoilers.

But loving doesn’t mean being uncritical, and this book is clearly the result of Michel Pagel thinking about what he adores, and highlighting in an entertaining way all that is wrong with those classical tales. The first part of the story is centered around Rowena, this intelligent and daring girl born within a world of the worst fairytale stereotypes and outdated medieval chivalry. And as she grows up she gets to explore what others were too afraid to explore, she understands what nobody understood, she gains power nobody had access to before… all the while suffering from what her world really is: unfair, classicist, sexist, misogynistic and abusive. And this begins already the bittersweet tone of the novel. At the same time we have a very funny parody that enjoys dark humor and plays all the code of the traditional “fractured fairytale”, and yet it alternates with very sad and dark moments where Rowena is confronted with the cruelties of such a universe and understands why being an intelligent girl in a world where women are to be submissive and stupid can be dangerous. But all is in fact set and prepared for her own fate, prepared by the Enchanter in person: for Rowena will become… the Witch.

And of course I love this, because who doesn’t get to love a dark retelling of fairytales, who doesn’t like a faithful retelling of medieval epics with an acute sense of modern values clashing with outdated morals, who doesn’t get to love the story of how a girl became a witch-queen? But… I think this is where the “fracture” with a certain part of the audience happened. I will return to the reviews I talked about above: many people thought the ending was worthless or were betrayed by it. Having read the novel I understand why they felt that: in their own words, they were sold and expected a feminist retelling of fairytales about breaking conventions and stereotypes. They were sold the story of a girl being a hero, and the old fairytale clichés being mercilessly mocked and denounced and beaten upon. And that was it for them. As such, yes, the ending probably disappointed them… Because it isn’t what the story is about.

It is made clear in the beginning of the story: being a Witch is not a pleasant thing. It is not a power fantasy. It might look like it, and Rowena uses it as such, but we are clearly warned that a Witch is still an unpleasant, dangerous and sometimes disgusting existence which will require suffering, both inflicted by the Witch and received by her. It is in such a path Rowena sets herself upon – and this is part of a greater scope of things. Rowena is the main character of the novel, but she is part of a wider plot by the Enchanter. The Enchanter wants to break the endless, frozen cycle of Fuinör. He wants to destroy those paralyzing traditions and this unnatural order. He wants to plunge back the world into chaos – a benevolent, needed, positive chaos, but a chaos still. And one of the very strong messages of this tale is: a need to go beyond Manicheism. To go beyond simplistic duality or archetypal characters. What Rowena, and the Enchanter, and others later, bring is complexity. The entire point of the novel is to go beyond the idea that there is all good and all bad, clear cut good and evil, black and white. As such, slowly as the cosmic battle wages on, as the Tradition and the Divine Law unravel, the characters grow into shades of gray as all their values, their positions and their allegiances are redefined, put to test or exposed, as the very machine of the universe starts to be pulled apart. Characters that start out as nice and lovable heroes turn into selfish villains. Characters that appear as flawed jerks and unsympathetic narrators learn from their mistake and grow heroic and wise. Courageous warriors grow into cowards, figures of sanity become mad, and this entire novel is the story of one huge revolution where everything changes: moralities, social hierarchies, laws of justice, and even genders! (The novel notably features an exploration of non-binary genders through one specific character – or three depending on how you count it – not including the various shapeshifting of the supernatural entities, which again helps make it resonate with a modern audience despite being around for quite a long time)

As such, no, this story is not a feminist power fantasy, and those that go in expecting this will be disappointed. It is a much, much larger and complex story about an entire world, about this fictional place born out of the classic fairytales and the medieval romances and the Arthuriana, and how this thing is confronted with its own choice of “evolve or die”. And this is still a very powerful and admirable story, which at the same plays subverts tropes, while also playing many clichés and stereotypes straight, but with a clear knowledge of this. Some people in the reviews said they were disappointed that ultimately, it seemed that Michel Pagel, in trying to break down and denounce clichés, ended up himself reasserting those same clichés. And I honestly do not think it is the case – as the novel is rather a strong defense of “We should get rid of all clichés and stereotypes, because they’re always going to trap us, no matter on which side they are”. But again, I can’t reveal too much without spoiling this long modern epic.

A good example of why for example this novel isn’t a pure “feminist fantasy” as many believed: Rowena is not the only main character. There’s another one, a “male counterpart” so to speak of the Witch-Queen in training. A character who doesn’t really have a name (well he has one but it is kind of a spoiler domain), and whose own backstory forms the second part of the novel (or the second novella of the series). A character who lives in a different part of Fuinör, and also should have been trapped in a cycle of millennia-old rituals and binding traditions and unfair customs, but whose fate changes completely due to the interventions of the Witch and the Enchanter… Except that, whereas with Rowena we had a bittersweet parody of Disney movies and traditional fairytales, with this second character we rather explore a deconstruction and attack of a different type of folktales. There is notably a brutal takedown of the whole “Journey of the Hero” system and the “Monomyth” idea. And I don’t say “brutal” lightly: this part of the novel is very, very brutal, physically speaking. Because this second main character is the helpful companion on the road in fairytales that helps the hero get the girl while himself having nothing. He is also the stock archetype of the Fool doomed to make mistakes and be ridiculed or punished. And he is the False Pretender, the False Hero of fairytales here to put in value the True Hero… Except we are told the story through his point of view. Except he is not evil, he is a guy who is trying his best but is put in an unfair position and only gets endless bullying. Except the True Hero doesn’t seem to be deserving of his position, and the question is raised of “Maybe the other guy should have been the Hero”… But here we shift into a fantasy version of what Terry Gilliam’s “Brazil” was and we fully explore the magical dystopia that is Fuinör.

Overall I do have to say… I think so far the closest thing I have seen in terms of overall tone and ambiance, in the English-speaking world, to compare these works… would be Dimension 20’s season “Neverafter”. Both works deal with a very funny parody but also very dark twisting of fairytales and folktales. Both deal with characters being abused and going through horrors at the end of great cosmic powers and otherworldly narrators. Both tread between comedy and horror ; and both deal with the protagonists’ attempt at breaking endless cycles set upon by fairies (because, in both Pagel’s novel and Dimension 20, the fairies are one of the numerous antagonists as the ruthless and terrifying enforcers of the “laws of fairytales” that get everybody stuck in their roles and functions). Of course, the two works are very different beyond that… But there is a common bone.

A final element I need to add so that you get a full understanding of this novel: Michel Pagel placed his book under the patronage of Shakespeare. And if the fact every part opens with a quote from one of Shakespeare’s play, from Hamlet to Macbeth passing by Romeo and Juliet, King Lear and more, wasn’t enough, anyone versed in Shakespearian studies will see how among the many archetypes and stock tropes of the novel, those of Shakespeare also regularly pop up. Someone once wrote that this novel started out as a fairytale parody, but slowly evolved into a Shakespearian tragedy, and I cannot agree more. It does start out as a dark and morbid but entertaining parody – and then things get really brutal, really violent, really sad, really serious, and we enter a terrible and dreary fantasy, but still very poetic and very human, that moves towards a universe where all of Shakespeare’s greatest cruelties fit right at home. The novel most notably has a lot, a LOT of fun exploring the Shakespearian archetype of the “Fool”. There’s almost two handfuls of characters that each is meant to explore a different aspect of the Shakespearian Fool, each expressing a difference nuance of it (the famous non-binary character is one of them, paying homage to the typical gender-plays and gender-questioning within Shakespeare’s plays) – and I am glad to be a Shakespeare enjoyer when reading this novel because again, a random person with zero Shakespeare knowledge would miss a lot of things. (Which again is I believe the reason the Internet reviews attacked this novel, there is a certain degree of medieval and literary knowledge needed to get the parts of this novel that pay homage to the older texts and more ancient roots of the clichéd, Disneyified myths we have today… Without it the novel can still be read, but it might seem much weirder and bleaker than it truly is)

Finally a flaw, because there needs to be a flaw in every review, it can’t all be glowing: I do admit that of the four parts composing this novel, the fourth one did felt unbalanced. Notably the author seemed to spend too much time, description and effort on characters barely introduced (which at the ending climax of a story is not good), and not enough on the characters we were following since the very beginning… But I will blame that on the fact the fourth part was originally meant to be an independent novella read one year after the last part was published. I do believe that, while putting the full series in one volume is quite convenient if you want to buy something to read over holidays, it does make one feel a bit tired by the end since you literally absorb four years of writing into one go… So, my advice would be to enjoy this book by making pauses between each part, to not do an “overdose” that would be too abrupt.

Or two flaw, I feel generous: when it comes to the second part, it felt a tad bit repetitive. A tad bit too much repetitive. I get that we are supposed to have a hopeful character that is trying his best to make things work and obtain what he wishes for, and we are supposed to fully get the injustice of the situation and the hardness of this world… But precisely because of how it explores casual violence and vicious brutality, the repetitiveness is felt more. It’s a type of “break the cutie” (who isn’t here so much a “cutie” as a morally neutral human being) scenario, and I am not well placed to say if the author did just enough or too much.

[Edit: I do love how the original covers for the 80s series tried their best to make it seem like a full horror series... when it is not]

How to Write a Good Fanfiction: A 5 Step Manual

Hello! My name is @love_kurdt, also known as Eva, and I’m a Wattpad Veteran of the early 2010s, where the genres of Slash Fics, Y/N, and Imagines ran rampant. I spent years of my life as a kid scrolling through my iPod touch, weeding through Wattpad’s plethora of profiles, on a quest to find quality fanfictions. I found a handful, which I added to a specific reading list to come back to when I needed a break from screaming into my pillow because of the sheer audacity of thought-criminals who called themselves writers.

When I’d reached the point of reading the same five works over and over in a never ending cycle, I decided to make the life-altering decision to start publishing my fanfictions online. Granted, I was only thirteen at this point, so my writing wasn’t spectacular by any means, but I came to discover that over time, the mere acts of reading and writing can light a spark of inspiration that can carry you to creative success.

I’ve been writing my own works for over ten years now, and can confidently say that I have cracked the code to writing a good fanfiction that will have your readers captivated instead of cringing. Please don’t get me wrong– if you want to just write fanfic on the internet for fun, and not to write a novel, that’s great, too! That’s what the internet is for; exercising your free will. But this manual is tailored towards those who want to hone in on their craft and gain a substantial following as strictly fanfiction authors. So without further ado, let’s jump into it. Godspeed!

Step 1: Choose Your Fandom

What show, movie, or book has drawn you in and left you feeling like there should be more to the story? When one of those media comes to mind, you’ve chosen your fandom!

Step 2: Do Your Research

When writing fanfiction, it’s kind of an unspoken rule that you need to know the canon of the fandom you’re writing about. The canon is also known as the source material. For example, if someone were to write a Draco Malfoy x OC fanfiction (*cough* a 200+ page Draco Malfoy self insert fic written at 11 years old in a series of notebooks bound together with multiple layers of Gorilla tape *cough*), the canon would be the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling. It’s, in essence, what “really” happened. It’s totally fine if you want to write a non-canon compliant fic, too! In fact, they’re extremely popular, specifically within the “fix-it” genre, which usually involves characters that died in the canon but the author kept alive in their fanfiction. Either way, you should have a general idea of how the canon functions within the context of the fandom, so you can make creative choices that diverge from or stick to the canon.

With the canon comes the fanon, which is basically a compilation of fan theories and headcanons that are often common themes in both canon and non-canon compliant fanfics. A pretty niche example of this is the Byler fandom (the ship between Stranger Things characters Will Byers and Mike Wheeler), where there’s an official list of theories on Tumblr that are used in many, if not most Byler fanfictions. There’s FlickerGate, where the flickering of the garage light in Season 1 is actually Will and Mike in the Upside Down in Season 5. There’s BirthdayGate, where the antagonist, Vecna, manipulates the minds of everyone in Hawkins to forget Will’s birthday, which is a central plot point in a lot of Byler fics since no one seems to remember it, not even his best friend. There’s also LetterGate, where Will confronts Mike in the canon about not sending any letters after he’d moved away, but the theory reveals that Mike wrote plenty of letters– he just never sent them because they ended up turning into love letters, which in turn resulted in internalized homophobia. You get the picture. Most theories reach far into the land of delusion, but it doesn’t stop writers from creating incredible work that could easily be mistaken for a script.

But Eva, what if I just think the characters are hot and I don’t give a shit about the cannonball? I can’t tell you what to do, my friend, but I highly suggest you at least consider the canon so you can avoid all the petty, obnoxious gatekeepers in some fandoms who can be unhinged enough to send death threats if you leave out a significant canonical detail. But you do you!

Step 3: Choose Your Platform

There are three popular platforms to choose from: Archive of Our Own (ao3), Tumblr, and Wattpad. There are also a few other lesser known or dead pages such as fanfiction.net, but I honestly wouldn’t bother with those, since they’re more infiltrated with anons and bots nowadays.

This is where you want to think about 1) where most of the members in the fandom you chose reside, and 2) the demographic of readers you want to reach. For example, I observed a higher number of Nirvana fans on Wattpad than the other two platforms, which is why I chose to post my full length Kurt Cobain fanfiction, “You Know You’re Right,” on there. It also helped that my favorite author of another Kurt Cobain fanfiction on Wattpad, @/ugh-nirvana, had hits in the hundreds of thousands, so I was confident that my book would do well on that specific platform. On the other hand, the Stranger Things fandom is in full swing on Tumblr and ao3, so I chose to post those fanfictions on there rather than on Wattpad. It all just depends on who’s where.

You also have to consider how active you want to be on your platform(s). Tumblr is more of a blog situation, while ao3 and Wattpad are solely for publishing the work. If you want to have a life beyond the realms of the world wide web, choose Wattpad or ao3, as inconsistent updates are a bit more accepted than on Tumblr. But if you want to throw yourself headfirst into a fandom and put your whole author-ussy into your fanfic, then Tumblr is the platform for you.

You should be aware, however, that Tumblr involves a lot of upkeep, as well as constant, strategic, and active participation within your fandom. Visual aesthetic is vital to any functional Tumblr blog. Most profiles have directories, with color coded links to each work’s homepage, which is linked to each individual chapter, which are then distinguished by a unique GIF to capture a prospective reader’s attention while they’re scrolling through copious amounts of content. And there are always new ideas and theories in development in certain fandoms, so it’s crucial to keep up with recent updates in order to stay relevant.

After all is said and done, you don’t have to get married to one platform for the rest of your life. You can choose to be exclusive to one or two platforms, or publish everything on all of them! The decision is ultimately yours!

Step 4: Obey the Writer’s Trifecta of Consistency

Yes, I came up with this term, and yes, it should be a real thing. Because in every piece of writing, whether it be fanfiction, a short story, an actual book, a screenplay, what have you, it is critical to be consistent in your People, your POV, and your Plot. Let me explain.

People

Your people, or your ensemble of characters, consists of three hierarchical levels: your protagonist/antagonist, your side characters, and other background characters. I should emphasize the importance of building character profiles for everyone, including your pre-existing characters from the fandom, but specifically for your original character(s) if you have them. That way, you know who serves as a major plot device, who serves as someone who just helps time move faster, and those who are mentioned by name but have very little significance to the events of the story. I’m going to reference Harry Potter again, since most of the world is familiar with the characters. Harry and Voldemort are the protagonist and antagonist; Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Professor Dumbledore, Hagrid and company are side characters; and Peeves, Seamus Finnigan, and Blaise Zabini are background characters. Keep this hierarchy in check; don’t let your main characters fade away, and don’t let your background characters shift to the forefront for no reason. If you do plan to move a character up or down the ladder, make sure to have clear motive as to why you’re bringing this character into or out of play.

2. POV

Your POV is the point of view in which you’re writing from. Assuming you’ve been in a typical middle school English class, you’ve heard of the first, second, and third person points of view. I cannot tell you how many times I have read fanfictions that jump from one POV to another, sometimes within the same sentence. I open the door and see Kurt Cobain standing in the corner of the room. She walked across the floor to meet him there. See what I did there? I jumped from first person present tense to third person past tense. Do not attempt this at home.

The least common of the three points of view is the second person, or what I like to call the Y/N point of view. In fanfiction, second person POV is often used in self-insert fics, where instead of a character’s name, it’s replaced with “you.” That’s why a lot of romantic character x reader fics are so popular. You should feel free to use this one, especially if that’s the kind of vibe you’re going for, but I’m going to elaborate a little bit more on first and third person, as they’re a bit more “literary.”

The first person POV confines the narration to the mind of one character. It can also be done with multiple characters, but be sure to do it so it’s painstakingly obvious to the reader whose POV you’re writing from. Also note that if you plan to write multiple first person POVs, try to keep that number on the lower side, as a large number of POVs can get really complicated really quickly. Third person narration can be done from two angles: limited or omniscient. Limited is more similar to first person, in which you’re confined to one person’s viewpoint, but they aren’t the narrator; you’re just seeing the story through their eyes. Omniscient is my favorite, because you can narrate from a bird’s eye view with the freedom to travel from mind to mind and read their thoughts.

Building character profiles can be really helpful when developing both first or third person POV; if you connect with a particular character more strongly than the rest, that should tell you whose POV you should write in. If you choose to switch POVs, be sure to do it either on an alternating/rotating basis, or if you repeat, it should be apparent as to why that particular character is the “voice” of that scene.

3. Plot

Dare I say that Plot is the most important step of them all, so do not skip this one, whatever you do! The biggest mistake most fanfiction writers make is having a concept but lacking a plot. It’s like biting into an apple just to discover it’s a lemon. Many writers are capable of starting off strong, but once their initial story begins to meander, traveling into uncharted territory, their brainchild can become a monstrosity.

In order to write a solid plot, it’s pretty common knowledge that you need to have a beginning, middle, and end in place. It doesn’t need to be overly specific or down to the last detail, you just need to figure out how your characters make it from point A to point Z (the larger scale), and how points B through Y factor into the plot (the smaller scale). There are a few routes that you can take in order to do this: you can write the entire thing ahead of time without any input, you can write the entire thing with the feedback of a beta reader or proofreader to help you work out any kinks or mistakes before you publish it for the entire platform to see, or you can publish it gradually and take feedback from your readers as you go. Should you go with the last option, though, you should be made aware that if you aren’t already an established author, it may feel like you’re talking to a wall, and you will likely feel discouraged from writing the story altogether.

I find it helpful to outline the whole thing. I have a closet door in my house dedicated to a Dave Grohl true crime fanfiction I’m working on. I’ve written the entire story from beginning to end on index cards, split into four different parts with each card representing a chapter. What’s good about outlining is that I can edit my story as I go along. If I decide to change something, I can add or remove an index card, then replace or rearrange the other index cards to work around the change I made, and that way, I don’t have to start over from scratch. It’s helpful to see everything laid out in front of me, so I’m not left at the end of a completely improvised plot with a slew of loose ends that I’ll need to go back and edit. It’s also better than publishing each part individually then having to redo everything after your readers have already seen it. And I don’t know about you, but I enjoy it when I’m able to save some time, energy, and lengthy explanations to random people online. That is, unless you enjoy constant feedback from readers, in which case you can change the plot on a chapter by chapter basis based on their feedback.

Consistency in all of these respects is key. I cannot emphasize this enough. Keeping all of these elements in check will help you create a sort of cohesiveness that will neatly wrap the story up with a little bow on top. 

Step 5: Use Relevant Tags and Content Warnings

Repeat after me: tags matter! Again: tags matter! When you’re about to publish your fanfiction, you’re going to be given the option to add tags to your work. For my first few years spent on Wattpad, I had no idea what tags were, so I didn’t use them. Thankfully, the platform was still pretty small, so people still found my work pretty easily. Nowadays, though, it’s nearly impossible to find what you’re looking for without searching excessively specific tags and using a million filters. It’s unfortunate, but look at it this way: there are so many people contributing to so many fandoms that the content is seemingly endless!

What you’re going to want to do is add as many tags as you can but keep it as simple as possible. I know that sounds kind of oxymoronic, but I mean it in a way that all of your tags relate directly to your story, and not just to the fandom itself. A lot of readers feel misled when they’re scrolling through their filtered search page for, let’s just say, a Byler fanfic, and end up neck deep in a Mileven fanfic in disguise. That’s not a fun experience.

Lastly, please remember that you are publishing your work on the internet, and you don’t know who may encounter your work! Listen, we live in a world where everything needs to be overexplained, everything needs trigger warnings, and everything needs to be neutral or else someone is going to hate you. I get it. I’ve been writing fanfiction for a long time. It might be annoying to add content warnings, especially if one of those warnings spoils a major plotline, but if I’m being honest, I’d rather be safe and add the damn warning than not add the warning and be responsible for someone’s worsened emotional or mental state. Bottom line, it’s just fanfiction! Let’s do our due diligence to create a community full of love and understanding for everyone!

After that, you should be all set to publish! Let’s review one more time for the road:

Choose Your Fandom

Do Your Research

Choose Your Platform

Obey the Writer’s Trifecta of Consistency

Use Relevant Tags and Content Warnings

If you’ve stuck around for this long, thank you so much!

I hope this manual helps you along your fanfiction writing journey, wherever it takes you <3

ARTICLE: "Rookie title is a good result." (FIAF3Europe.com, 2015)

source: fiaf3europe.com via wayback machine published: october 27th, 2015 series: f3 euro, 2015

27.10.2015. The battle for the 2015 FIA Formula 3 European Championship rookie title was dominated by Charles Leclerc (Van Amersfoort Racing). The ranking that solely is open for Formula 3 newcomers was won by the Monegasque in superior style and with a clear lead over George Russell (Carlin) and Lance Stroll (Prema Powerteam) who finished second and third respectively.

Charles Leclerc made an impressive debut in the FIA Formula 3 European Championship by winning one of the three races of the season kick-off at Silverstone and finishing runner up in one of the others. In edition, he also secured his first two poles, at the British GP circuit. “The winter tests went really well but devising clear expectations for the season kick-off was still difficult. Nonetheless, I slightly hoped that things would take a positive course,” the Monegasque says about his first appearance on the FIA Formula 3 European Championship grid.

And he continued to deliver in fine style. After the sixth race meeting, at the Norisring, Leclerc had four race wins, four second places and five third places under his belt. And on the fifth race weekend, at Spa-Francorchamps, he even took the championship lead. But from Zandvoort he struggled with problems and lost the lead. “We suddenly had our problems finding the perfect set-up,” the 18-year old admits. Nonetheless, he kept on scoring and never lost his lead in the rookie ranking. He even was that dominant that he secured the rookie title as early as on the penultimate race weekend. “Having won the rookie championship is a good result,” he concludes.

In the end, he finished fourth in the championship, in his first Formula 3 season, thus defeating numerous far more experienced drivers on the highly competitive grid. A success that also once again underlined that Team Van Amersfoort Racing has got what it takes to successfully work with rookies and that the success of Max Verstappen who contested the 2014 FIA Formula 3 European Championship for the Dutch squad wasn’t a flash in the pan. “I had a good feeling right after the first test for Van Amersfoort Racing and from that point in time they were my first choice for the 2015 season,” says Leclerc whose father, Hervé Leclerc also raced in Formula 3, back in the mid-1980s. According to the young gun, his family and Nicola Todt’s agency Allroad Management that has been working with him since 2010 are his most important supporters.

One of the other drivers in the Allroad Management line-up was Frenchman Jules Bianchi and Bianchi and Leclerc were not only colleagues, but friends. “We often spent time together and our fathers also were close friends.” Therefore, it was extremely tough for Leclerc when Bianchi passed away on 17 July due to the head injuries he had suffered on 05 October, 2014 in the Japanese Formula 1 GP. “It was a really hard time but it never made an impact on my performances,” says Leclerc.

When it comes to the future, the pupil who – in his free time – likes any kind of sport or to meet his Italian girlfriend Giada, first of all dreams of making it to Formula 1. “That’s the ultimate goal of every young racing driver and I’m no exception. Le Mans definitely also would be great but currently, Formula 1 is what I want to achieve.” To be perfectly prepared if or when he makes it to the pinnacle of motor racing, he prepares in every area. “I still go to school although it’s a kind of home school. I want to pass my A levels next year to have the chance to study something technical should my racing schedule allow me doing so. I think such a course of studies would help me becoming an even better racing driver.”

i have a question for you. what’s your fav warrior cat. if so, tell me about them…

tigerclaw. ramble under the cut but basically hes a cool villain i think a lot about how he could have been better if the erins and the publishers werent pussies

anyway hes such a complex character and the result of how living by the code so devotedly can fuck up your views and just how terrible clan life is. there are many cats who are examples of this but tigerclaw is so special to me in his way of exhibiting this. if you really consider it, he truly believed he was doing something good and bringing the clans to how they should be. like he grew up with the code being heavily enforced and the adults around him that he idolized and trusted selfishly using the code to justify their actions and beliefs. like its not only thistleclaw if you think about the enviornment he lived in. whats more doesnt really help that he was already seen as a threat or a nuisance as a freaking kitten. of course hes going to grow older and assume theres a certain path for him, and that he should trust and encourage the code no matter what. i also dont believe him wanting to be leader or deputy was him being selfish or knowingly evil, rather, him believing he was truly meant for those roles. therefore it was only right for him to do what he must to get his way to make things as they should be. he viewed himself as someone rightously abiding by the rules established by his ancestors, someone worthy to set the clans in their places and lead them to rightousness. then having to witness changes to the clans def prbly set him off further, and he just knew in his head he was the one. i can admit that his actions seemed hypocritical considering his relationship with sasha and the way he went about things, but i truly believe they were like more than they seemed. for one i dont think he believed he was going against his beliefs or perhaps he recognized this but didnt think it was a bad thing if he was still making 'right'. then i think he also had this mindset that his actions were a part of a greater plan or what he believed to be a part of his plan, that he jad to do certain things make choices to reach his goal. additionally, becaise of the way he grew up, i think he believed it was better to sort of repress his emotions. like i think a lot of his actions were driven by his inner emotions and there are times where he kind of breaks the whole cold frame and we get kind of a different character (my Favourite scene is when he kind of expresses like a different, emotional side after meeting his kids again even if he doesnt outright share his feelings and for a moment as he witnesses this firestar sees him as a person not like the enemy in his story that drove him to that point. but then hes unsure if its some sort of ploy. then thats never brought up again bc the early wc the erins just Did That)(another scene i wanna talk abt is how prior to the reveal hes shown to be kind of fearful of ravenpaw giving away what hes done before he just plots to get rid of him does anyoneremeber when firestar catches him freaking out at the gathering and wonders why the fuck is he acting weird. i really think at some point he just got better at being evil lying cold etc it was never something he was good at or born with it it was developed and fed). it just makes you wonder if everything was better what kind of person would he have been. then his relationship with others ugh hes shown to be caring and hearty within the clan in the start even tho its SO MINOR. i believe it just says a lot about him. hes respected nd he likes his place he believes hes deserving of leading the clans to greatness he can do it and everyone makes him believe so but then there are those who want to change those ways theyre threatening him and his ideal way of the clans built so perfectly by the code and its pure people. i could go on and on but i dont want to make this too too long

but idk i feel like a lof of the things about tigerclaw early on are ignored because people focus on the depiction after tpb. in which hes another soulless power hungry bad guy also he hates his kids despite what we are shown before. because early on in the series you can see the erins wanted something interesting for him and his relationship with firestar with other characters, his way of thinking, the way he priorities the code, how his enviornment altered him. and yet thats all thrown away all the concepts are replaced its poorly developed and its just makes me go bangs my fist why why why we could have had it better fuck the erins

Hi hi,

Please feel free to tell me to get lost, but I was hoping to get some tips from you.

I'm about to start my first big girl research paper. I'm very comfortable with writing, but I'm not so comfortable with research.

I was wondering if you had any tips for doing effective research, particularly how to keep your research organized (I'm a bit of a mess).

Of course, and I reiterate that I am always open for academia questions, and will answer them to the best of my ability. As ever, my advice will be fairly general in nature and broad in scope, since I don't know what subject you're working in and what level you're at, but I'll presume it's a university-level research paper of approximately 20 to 30 pages. (Or possibly longer, i.e. 60 pages.) But this will be applicable regardless of which subject or length you're planning on, and as a solid rule of thumb for future projects, so:

1. Choose good sources. I know this might seem self-explanatory, but indeed, not as often as you would think. Wikipedia is a decent place to start looking for bibliography/reading lists, but remember that by its nature as an open-access, crowd-edited source that prioritizes what is free rather than what is recent, it leans heavily toward out-of-date and older scholarship that doesn't represent the latest work in the field. Things from the 19th and early 20th century get cited often because they're in the public domain and there's no copyright issue, so if you base your premise on what Wikipedia says, you might end up arguing against something that's 50 years out of date anyway. Besides, you can't cite Wikipedia word-for-word because you need to give your reader the ability to go back and check your citations, and since anyone can edit any article, that specific sentence or phrase might no longer be there by the time someone looks for it.

Okay, so where might you get extensive and high-quality research material instead? Glad you asked! For starters, Google Scholar, JSTOR, Smithsonian Open Access, RefSeek, SpringerLink, BASE (Biefeld Academic Search Engine), and UChicago Journals are all waiting for you! Many of these will also turn up results without the need for an academic login, though to read full text for free, you will often need an institutional/university email (which I presume you have). Just plug in some keywords from your research project/area of interest and see what comes up. Remember that the best research is:

Peer-reviewed, aka published in a journal that is reputable, searchable, run by professionals, and reviewed by other scholars prior to publication, or in a book from an academic press.

Recent, as obviously, you want to argue from the most recent work in the field and not accidentally retread an old argument; remember, don't confuse what is immediately accessible with what is the most useful or relevant.

Connected to other research: are the authors citing other publications in their field? Do they provide a summary of other literature and explain how it connects with their hypothesis? Is it clear how this contributes to/answers a current question?

Timely and relevant, especially if it comes from a non-academic source such as a newspaper, magazine article, blog, etc. It's fine to cite these things in support of your main point, but remember that your primary source material should be up to an academic standard. Are you just citing Rando Blog From The Internet as a trusted source, or a newspaper article on the Wayback Machine from 1873, as one of my students did once, bless their hearts?

Complex and representing a variety of perspectives. Even if you intend to argue for one interpretation or version of events, as most papers do, you need to show that you're aware of competing arguments, and that you know how to foil against/contrast them with your main narrative. You shouldn't just be reading or citing things that only make the point you want to make; you need to demonstrate intellectual effort and an attempt to consider sources that may agree only partly or indeed, not at all, with what you're trying to say, since you will have to include and/or refute them.

2. Save your sources! Once again, this might seem obvious, but I have a damn doctorate and I can't tell you how many times I have done something stupid like looking for a source that I had super definitely saved or a page number that I swore I had written down, only to discover that... no, I had not. If you find a PDF that looks relevant, download it to your computer! If you find a URL that's helpful, save it to a Google/Word doc (and also make sure you label what it references, so you're not confused later). Make a file folder with the name of your project and put all your documents in there. Know what information you will be required to cite in a bibliography/reference list and make sure that you take down all that at the start. Truly, it sucks to go hunting for that one missing page number when you're almost done and you swore it was just RIGHT THERE.

Likewise, I have only listed e-resources above, but don't forget to go to your friendly local university library and tell the librarian that you're working on such-and-such paper about this topic and would like help finding material. Librarians fucking LOVE being helpful and teaching you how to best utilize their vast skills and resources, and they will load you up right away, as well as giving you tips on how to navigate the catalogue and subject-specific databases. That way, you will also have physical books to reference, which can be much easier than trying to chase up a lost e-version.

(No, seriously. Go ask your university librarian. Those are your tuition dollars at work and that's what they are there to help with.)

3. Plan out your paper and create an outline. If you're not sure how to do this, take a look at some academic essays/journal articles and see how they are structured. Keep in mind that someone should be able to read your introduction, chapter headings, and conclusion, and get the gist of what the research is about, its major findings, and how it fits into/supports/challenges the existing consensus in the field. The meat of the chapters are for showing your work and demonstrating how you got from A to B to C to D, but you should be able to convey the most important points at the beginning, the end, and the chapter titles in the middle. If you're writing, say, a 20-page paper, you still need to figure out the main thematic chunks and how it makes most sense to organize them. Are you trying to write about B before you've properly introduced and established A? What information do you need to give a reader who can be assumed to have basic intelligence but not much (or any) subject-specific knowledge? Are you using too much technical/scholarly jargon without defining it? In other words, what do you need to lay out, and in what order, to make a smooth transition from A (introduction) to D (conclusion?) Are you doubling back or referencing B too often when you're trying to move onto C? Etc etc. Obviously, there will be some overall overlap, but you can usually identify main subjects, sub-headings, and how it would make the most sense to organize them. If you need to, use color-coding or other visual cues to keep your groups together.

4. Double-check your required citation method/formatting. Different academic fields use different styles of formatting for their footnotes, endnotes, in-text citations, bibliographies, etc. I am a historian, so I use MHRA/MLA-style. Other academic fields might use APA, Harvard, or Chicago-style. It will save you a lot of headaches (and impress your professor!) if you check at the beginning what style you need to use for referencing and are consistent about applying it throughout. Also, yet again from the Department Of This Should Be Obvious But Somehow Isn't: make sure to double-space your paper and use Times New Roman or Arial font size 12, proofread/edit, and add page numbers, your name/student ID, and other supporting information to make it easier on your professor. If they want to tell you to double-check an argument you made on page 6, and there isn't a number on page 6, they will have to write it on your paper themselves and then they will get annoyed. Not, uh, speaking from personal experience here or anything. Make sure there isn't wonky/differently sized text or extra spaces/big page breaks, the first line of every paragraph is indented 0.5 pt (this can be set in Microsoft Word) and otherwise that it visually looks like a nicely presented and professional-quality piece of research. If in doubt, ask someone else to look it over and see what strikes them as strange/inconsistent.

(Also, use reference software such as Zotero. It will make your life SO much easier.)

5. Give yourself time to properly write. Yeah, sure, there are the people who procrastinate on their paper until the very last minute, then bang it out in a Red Bull-fueled rush and finish an hour before it's due, but that's not a way to actually do meaningful or useful writing, or come up with a product that you're proud to have your name on. Besides, you'll just create a ton of unnecessary anxiety for yourself and waste the time and effort that you've already invested, so... yeah, plan your time wisely and make space for drafting, revisions, research, proofreading, and all the rest. I usually had my papers in college/grad school done at least two days before they were due, which gave me time to read them over and check for errors, add more citations, or otherwise improve the finished product.

Basically, if you're serious about doing a good job, give it the time and effort that it deserves. If you're worried about getting distracted, there are browser add-ons/phone apps that can prevent you from mindlessly screwing around on the internet rather than working. Set a timer and work in chunks, then take a break, or whatever other method is best for you. You will have to manage your own time and nobody will hold your hand or babysit you, so have a realistic sense of how much you can accomplish each day and how that contributes to the overall progress/project timeline. If you're a slow worker, you have to plan for more time, and even if you're fast, give yourself a little extra just in case.

Anyway, I hope all that makes sense and is helpful, and happy researching!

updates and musings from ris-land (lol)

2024 has begun. it began 30 days ago, but i still find myself referring to the past (2023) as 'earlier this year' and all the grandiose plans for the future as 'next year' (2024). i am generally a grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side kind of person so i always start the new year feeling very excited for all the things that i will supposedly accomplish in the coming year that i never truly manage to do. this may sound defeated and cynical, but im not. i am still stupidly hopeful about all the kilos i will shed, the places i will visit (the only type of promise to self i have managed to decently come through on, over all these years), the friends i will make, the stories i will write and finish, the books i will read, the courses i will do.

now into the still-unravelling 30th year of my life, i have still magically sustained this enthusiasm regardless of the empirical evidence that attempts to prove to me otherwise. delulu is the solulu, etc etc. my greatest achievement so far is in making peace with the fact that i will only accomplish about 10% of what i want to do this year, and that it is okay. i occasionally even feel pride about these things, instead of sinking into the incurable feeling of self-loathing and dissatisfaction that was the trademark of my early twenties.

anyway!! on to my grand plans, i love talking about my plans:

this year a couple of us are producing an eremika erotica zine and i am thrilled to bits about this. i do not know the first thing about zine production, but i am carrying along with the hope that enthusiasm for good stories and art will probably result in a final product that readers will enjoy. i will finally, finally, finally, attempt to put forth all my feelings about priest eren and church girl mikasa in a lengthy oneshot that will find its home in the zine.

i will continue exploring boy next door eremika and learn a new way of expressing character dynamics that i am obsessed with, and hopefully finish a story that manages to make my own heart flutter. every story i write is uniquely designed to satisfy me, but bnd is special in that: in all the 40k words in my draft, every single word in its incomplete, chaotic, honesty make me feel terribly emotional. i am proud of this. i am no literary genius, nor am i a quick study, so i have simply been fooling around with words for so many years, in different patterns, trying to figure out what i like and what i don't. i am so happy that now i have figured this out. kind of. a little bit, lol. it also helps that i have extremely smart and talented friends who consume a lot of literature and teach me things. i feel very grateful for this!

i want to return to my romance-novel roots and finish i dreamed i left you, because i know in my heart of hearts that i am trash. i like trashy romance. i want to write trashy romance. (i want to publish one someday, so what better way to start than by finishing the goddamn fic).

amidst all this, frustratingly, an original idea is calling out to me and nagging me like a whiny baby wanting to be heard. i don't ever want any children of my own, so i will probably learn to take care of my original novel at some point. i have 5k+ words so far, but i am at the stage with it where i am so emotionally confronted by it that i cannot look at it for too long without seeing too much of me reflected right back. i generally don't like to write about myself unless it is in very carefully disguised little pieces hidden away amongst several thousands of words, so this is new for me. perhaps this too (personal confrontation, deep introspection, etc) is a turning-30 thing, and i am not ready for it. maithreyi and veena (the main characters of my book), however, seem ready for their story to be told, so we are currently figuring out this disagreement. maybe my goal for this year will be to "figure it out." we'll see.

unfortunately, however, i cannot afford for writing to be the center of my life, even though sometimes i delude myself into thinking so, so i have other goals that feel less negotiable because of time pressures and expectations from loved ones, or for the basic truth that i still consider them more 'important' / 'tangible' than my writing goals. (i just let out, a huge, disappointed sigh.) these goals include: developing fluency over the national language of the country where i reside, doing some culture and language exams for integration, and seriously contending with the fact that i might give up the nationality of the country that i was born and raised in. again, i have feelings about this that i haven't fully processed, but frustration with the religious and communal politics of my country remind me that sentimentality for belonging may not be worth it. the gap between what the world (the west) considers as a developed nation and a developing nation is too vast and i dont see it being overcome in the prime of my life. if the privilege of belonging (at least on paper) to a developed nation is so closely within my reach, then it seems only smart to grab it with both hands. but feelings are not smart, they are powerful. so we will see how everything plays out. i will hurtle towards these goals because it is what the child-me wanted. it feels simpler to think of it that way.

i'm not sure anyone is really reading this lengthy ass post, but if you are, i wish you a wonderful 2024. <3

Scissors and heart for the fic ask meme for the one where J Jonah Jameson Goes Off about mutant rights

^^

drop the title of a fic i wrote + a symbol in my ask and i’ll tell you…

✄: something i deleted before the final draft

I am SO dedicated to mulching and reusing absolutely everything I possibly can from my first drafts I wasn't sure I had anything for this, but I did cut like 25 words and I will now write 500 about why. I cut an extension of the joke where Betty's asked why she's happy their boss is screaming with rage because Jonah would have to kick the assholes out offscreen for it to work, and they'd skip straight to article planning without a confrontation. Like:

“…Why is that a good thing, Miss Brant.” Betty smiled up at him so her eyes squinched. “He isn’t mad at us!” "WHERE ARE MY CRACK TEAM OF PROFESSIONALS?" Betty beamed. "See?"

That's much weaker scene arrangement obviously so I wasn't able to work the whole of the planned gag in.

Also culled in favor of the bit where Jonah remixes his memetic line and demands PICTURES! PICTURES OF X-MEN! was a variant that goes like "PARKER / Yessir / GET ME YOUR BEST MUTANT PHOTOS / Yessir- What, sir?" which is kind of Vimesian in a way I enjoy, but the core point of "it's weird to hear Jonah demanding a different thing in this specific way" isn't really clear unless you do the full iconic line, which is too long to have a yes sir-what sir joke around it. Like it has to be something short enough you can zone out through it and then replay it in your head an instant later, and the PICTURES line has a big pause in the middle. ...You can put the first yes sir in the pause, but then the whole thing still has to go early enough that it's plausible to have not guessed what Jonah is going to ask for.... So instead it got a lampshade where the Bugle staff get to lean on the fourth wall slightly harder.

There's also a bit, assassinated for being too implausible, where someone asks Peter "Isn't that Cyclops' name?" when he's texting contact name Scotty Boy and he goes "NO." I hate him.

Also not making it out of the starter notes was I'm pretty sure the first words I jotted down when I got the ask - I thought the snip at the end where MJ makes fun of Peter might be like, a more ongoing montage of post-publishing reactions? So on autopilot I hypothesized a fragment of spideytorch banter wherein Peter shows Johnny the article, Johnny goes "What is this?" and Peter says "It's a newspaper. They're very useful once you learn how to read." And then Johnny throws the paper at his face. This was written because it's closer to my wheelhouse than the actual premise and deleted because it contributes absolutely nothing. There is no reason for more people that many degrees of separation away from the core concept of the prompt to be there.

Generally if I have come up with a tangent with any redeeming value that isn't actively contradicted by something more important I will add it in, but this fic came with a point it actually mattered to lose track of, which directly contributed to it being, in my opinion, noticeably higher quality than my average output - less meandering and simultaneously longer. A lot of the writing process on the Jonah fic was me going "can I stop now?", mentally substituting in some real world minority in place of mutants, and then if the result made me want to go lean over the washing machine and slam the door repeatedly on my own head, that meant it wasn't done. Who Knew Being Forced (at prompt point) To Stand For Something Improves Your Work.

♡: my favorite part

I think I nailed keeping the pacing up by cutting between interconnected scenes, if that counts. I really like how the flow of the first bit reads, and it was really satisfying to put together. It was also just a lot of fun to juggle a modern-flavored conflict and my preferred vintage comic aesthetic and cast, and to sneak in a bunch of continuity nods and cameos and tidbits of concepts. I just had a blast writing and publishing the whole thing, honestly. It was a great ask, and I'm really glad people like it.

The fic.

Fire and Hemlock Readalong: Part 3 Chapter 6

In which we go to the fair.

You may recall that one of the stolen pictures was of a fairground, which turns out to be a particularly ominous one.

Polly goes to meet the quartet at a pub (or outside of a pub, since she's only fourteen). Leslie is also there - invited by Tom - which might be the source of Ed's joke about a double date. Mary Fields is also there, and Polly is more explicitly jealous of her than she was before. Tom is avoiding looking at Polly, and the whole encounter has the air of a goodbye.

But the rest of the quartet is celebrating - they are going to make a record, and they have just published a book called Tales of Nowhere. It has the same cover as the book Polly was reading at the beginning. They share pictures of Australia, joking that all the bad ones are Tom's, to which he protests that he "used to do a lot of photography" but "seems to have lost the knack." Photography seems to be something pre-Laurel for him. Losing it coincides with his losing a certain way of seeing things that Polly has been bringing back to him.

The celebration includes champagne, which is another induction into the adult world for Polly, and again one she doesn't seem quite ready for. The quartet seems a bit less responsible than they did before; once again they are giving Polly food and drink, but the results are very different. It's interesting that both times that Polly meets the quartet involve food and drink, actually; since they're positioned opposed to but adjacent to fairyland, which has the "no eating or drinking rule" that Seb referenced early on.

After the champagne, the rest of the chapter has a dizzy, dreamlike quality, full of sensation and chaos. They go to the fairgrounds, and it's all just lights and sounds and smells for a while, as Polly tries to hold down a "jet of misery." It's a similarly vivid emotion to the "bleached with pride" that Diana is so good at evoking. Polly gets on the bumper cars (I'm assuming that's what "Dodgems" are) and imitates Tom's heroic driving. And Seb is there, somehow, trying to get Polly away from Tom.

Everyone is trying to keep Polly from Tom, actually, including Tom himself. Polly grabs his hand, and Mary teases them for looking "like father and daughter," pushing her once again into the category of child, but also feeling threatened enough that she needs to push. Tom himself asks Polly pointed questions about Leslie, which she understands to be him saying that "Leslies are for Pollys." Not Toms. That she should be with a nice, safe, ordinary boy - Tom as he was before Laurel.

We also get more hints about Tom's past - his parents died when he was young, and he went to live at Hunsdon House where Laurel "almost adopted" him, but of course she opted for marrying him instead. Polly recognizes that he is telling her these things as "a farewell gift," though I'm not sure why there is a farewell happening now; the ritual isn't for several more years, and Laurel's final gambit is precipitated by Polly's actions later. Perhaps Tom recognizes that Laurel has already decided to do something about Polly once and for all, or perhaps he needs to get rid of Polly now before Laurel does decide to do something once and for all.

In any case, they are interrupted by the suits of armor in the House of Horrors coming to life and attacking them, and a piece of a portcullis falling on Tom. Right on his back. And true to form, Polly has to take off his shirt and treat the wound, which Tom is merciless about, "jeering" at her to tell him how "a real human back" looks. He is trying so hard to push her away and being downright cruel about it.

Tom insists on talking to Leslie before the ambulance takes him away, likely warning him about Laurel. And Seb is there, arguing with Morton. Seb says "There's a better way!" and Morton retorts that he's doing it "to save our skins."

I'm still trying to work out all the forces at play here. Laurel owns Tom's life, which is to be sacrificed at the end of a fixed term. But the sacrifice is to fuel Morton's life, as her consort. And if she loses Tom, she has Seb and Leslie as backup. Morton does not want her to take Seb, his son, so I'm not entirely sure why he would attack Tom. I'm... going to have to read the next few chapters more carefully, I think.

In the end, Mary Fields, who used to be a nurse, takes care of Tom until the ambulance arrives. Mary Fields, as a sensible, normal woman, thinks they should sue the fair for negligence, but the others know before they look that there is no sign that any of it ever happened, because it took place in Nowhere.

So imposter syndrome is a thing and I need to give myself a pep talk. Like. Now.

And if anyone else is dealing with it needs one, then I'm sharing it. This is pretty personal, but I don't like the thought of anyone dealing with this because I know how utterly miserable it is, and absolutely no one deserves it.

So I just want to take a minute (or an hour, or several) to talk about this because I realized during the past decade (or longer), when I wasn't letting anyone read any of my writing whatsoever, that imposter syndrome is a lying fucking thundercunt, and that it hurts so many creators, and that it shouldn't be allowed to exist at all.

I got burned out constantly when I was publishing on fanfiction.net back in the day, and another site I can't remember the name of for original work that doesn't exist anymore.

Would get stuck in a rut on everything I wrote and never finish anything.

Good or bad feedback, didn't matter. It always devolved into, "This is shit, and I am shit, and I shouldn't be shoveling this shit to other people," and I'd try to just ignore that and write and...nothing would come out. Or what did come out, I felt like it wasn't ever good enough.

I'd read over what I had already written and just cringe. Cancel a project entirely and trash it because thinking about it made me want to vomit.

The same way you might cringe hearing your own voice on a recording, or see an unflattering photograph of yourself and second guess everything about what you see in the mirror.

This always led slap into a writer's block, which for me also tends to lead toward depression and general self-loathing because I don't feel like me when I'm not writing.

Same thing has happened on and off with most of my hobbies through the years. I started getting deeply into culinary arts when I was sixteen, wanted to learn more and try new recipes out daily, and messing something up would just destroy me. I started playing guitar at thirteen, played daily through most of high school, and went through a few stints that lasted for literal years where just looking at a guitar made me physically sick because I felt like I had hit a wall that I couldn't get past.

I guess because writing has been with me for the longest, it was what helped me the most. I was writing silly little "horror" short stories and Pokémon fanfiction as early as six years old. Writing is ingrained into me to the point that I feel like a different person entirely when I'm not doing it. I feel like I don't know myself.

And that feeling of being inadequate when I was actively writing, I realized, didn't actually start until I began letting other people read what I was writing regularly. Largely when I started posting it online. That was when it went from being my joy to being my dread.

Dread that if I didn't finish a chapter or a story quickly enough, people would stop reading.

Fear of making even one single typo that someone might point out.

Fear of being insulted or berated.

Of not being good enough.

Of failing.

I realized during my extensive haitus from writing that I never had that fear when I was a child. When I was writing for me. Writing what I wanted to. What I enjoyed, what made me happy. That at some point, writing had changed from a form of self-love into people-pleasing.

I spent a few years not writing at all, and gradually started again. A short story here or there when the mood struck instead of trying to force it out. That made the mood strike more and more often.

I eventually bit the bullet and read over some of my old work that I would cringe over, and it made me smile instead. Still made me cringe a little, but instead of that resulting in a need to pull into a shell and stop entirely, it turned into a desire to improve.

It clicked that it was because the only audience I had was myself, and I could do whatever the hell I wanted and just have a good time with it. No worries, no deadlines, no one to impress, just creating what I wanted to and enjoying it.

It's not fool-proof, but when the feeling starts to flare up, the following is a rough inner monologue of how I try to address it.

"Look self, who cares if you're a talentless hack or not? If you like doing the thing, do the thing. If it only brings you joy when other people care you're doing the thing, or you only do the thing when you're hoping it could even potentially impress other people? Then you're not enjoying the thing, you're enjoying the attention, or even just the idea of attention. Take the attention out of the entire equation, and just do the goddamned thing."

Art is passion in physical form. Passion stems from happiness. That happiness stems from you. From you, looking at what you've created, before anyone else has laid eyes on it, and smiling. That moment when you finish your creation, the feeling of fulfillment in knowing that you created something that wouldn't otherwise exist if you hadn't taken the time and energy to do so. That one moment before any potential second guessing or anxiety can rear its head in. That moment, that comes from you and only you, free of any influence from the outside world, is happiness.

Basically, the old saying, "dance like no one's watching?" It applies to everything. EVERYTHING that imposter syndrome could butt its disgusting lying filthy head in on. Sing, play [instrument of choice] like no one's listening. Paint and draw and sculpt and mold and create like no one else but you is ever going to see the finished product. Write like no one else is reading. Enjoy it for what it gives you first and foremost. Extend that moment of happiness and enjoy it, because you did something no one but you could have done, you created something that no one but you could have created.

After that, if other people enjoy it, great! It's always nice to share happiness!

If they don't like it, or if they pressure you to do better or work faster or harder than you're capable of doing in your present state?

If they take your peace and mold it into pain?

Then they can take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

It's your passion. It's your love. Not theirs.

If they don't like it, they don't have to look.

If you were kind enough to share your happiness with them, and they're miserable enough to stomp on it in any way, shape, or form, then that's their problem, not yours.

Just wanted to stop in and say wow. Your writing incredible. I’ve read all of your Persona 5 fics (except for the childhood Akechi one.. still emotionally and mentally preparing for that..) and I’m blown away with each and every one. Especially Like Sand Between Your Fingers, of course. I speedran reading that in 3 days and my lord I was and still am an absolute MESS over it (SO MANY TEARS SHED.. FULL ON SOBBING MAN.) Your ideas, character portrayals, and interpretations are marvelous. It truly feels like it could be content from the game! You’re definitely my favorite ao3 author. I’ve found that no other can quite match your perfect, true-to-media characterization and plot. In LSBYF, every challenge presented in Shido’s palace was so well-thought and was really entertaining to read! I was so captivated by your story that it was hard to peel myself away from the fic. I have so many thoughts regarding LSBYF, I could honestly write a whole essay on it. I also really enjoyed your Ann and Akechi fic! Again, characterization was on point and the lighthearted moments were so warm.

I’ve been reading fanfic for a few years now and I’ve never felt so moved to the point where I wanted to personally commend the author. I see you haven’t been too active, but if you are planning on writing more Persona fics, I’ll be first in line to read. I hope you have a good day/night/whatever time it is!

Oh my god. Hi. Hang on, I just need to wipe away the puddle that is my heart on the floor...

Seriously, thank you. Thank you so much for this heartfelt, beautiful message. Honestly, you just reminded me of why I love being a writer and publishing my work. It's for people like you, it's to make you happy and see the result of it. I just cannot put into words how much your words mean to me.

Hearing someone say my characterization is close to in-media and my plot very good makes me wanna do a backflip out the window, it's so surreal. It makes me actually feel proud of what I do. People like you make me continue to love my hobby. That's magical, so, yeah - thank you.

I do have more story planned, even have it all mapped out. But I have been stuck in a little block at the moment, with some other things going on. I do wanna write that sequel though, it is in the works (early stages, but we are there).

Again, all I can say is thank you. I really, REALLY appreciate you and your words. Favourite ao3 author? That is - unbelievably high praise, I just can't believe it. Thank you. Really, thank you.

I hope you continue to be the kind human being that you are and have a wonderful timezone! <3

Okay!

4 11 13 15 17 21 28 31 36 51 55

Dang, that's a lot! <3

4. what are you looking forward to?

I am getting married in Ireland in June. My wedding will be a dark/ethereal vintage romantic vibe and I'm literally getting married at Dunluce Castle. A dream!

5. are you listening to music right now?

Nope. I'm enjoying the complete silence of my house :)

13. how do you feel right now?

I started antibiotics last Wednesday and I'm feeling so much better. I'm starting to get more of my writing out and I think it's reaching more people, so that brings me joy!

15. personality description

Growing up, I was VERY outgoing and outspoken but I've mellowed a ton. I've been told I come off as shy and a little intimidating until you get to know me. I have always had a love for the unusual things in life and have been able to see beauty in darkness. I was the odd one out (didn't have a ton of friends growing up). I love and care fiercely and I will do anything for my friends and loved ones. I think I'm the funniest person to exist even though I'm probably not.

My students describe me as sassy (I love to roast them) and see me as a second mom haha.

17. opinion on insecurities.

I'm not really sure what this one means, but I'm going to answer it as if it's my opinion on my own insecurities.

I'm insecure about my body. I have the typical hourglass figure (big hips/thighs, big tits, small waist) but I also have hip dips so anything form fitting is a no go. I grew up in the late 90s/early 00s diet culture and have yo-yoed in weight since I was a kid. I had an almond (step)mom and I still feel shame around food. It's something I'm working on in therapy. I have so much pride and respect for Gen Z and their movement of body acceptance and positive body culture. It's something I wish us millennials had done when we were younger.

21. age and birthday?

August 13th; I’m 31 going on 85

28. i’ll love you if…

You are kind and genuine. You leave me comments on/reblog my work (because as much as I say I write for self-satisfaction, I also love recognition like anyone else and I have a really low self esteem when it comes to my writing). You take me out for coffee. You have a good sense of humor (extra points if it's dry or dark).

29. 3 random facts

I had to be treated for the plague in my 20s (yes, the literal bubonic plague)

I used to be a top writer on a fanfic website when I was 13 (early 2000s) and I cringe thinking of the shit I put out 😂

*trigger warning for injury* I have seen/smelt burning flesh (like, flesh melting off someone's body) as a result of an accident in high school. I still get jumpy around explosives. 10/10 don't recommend.

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

I'd like to be a published author that gets to share their thinking with the world (and ngl I'd love to do an international book tour).

I want to get back into music/playing piano (I'm too scared to try and don't even know where to start).

I want to travel more (ideally to Europe). It's so expensive and I'm poor and landlocked.

51. starsign

Leo Sun, Sagittarius Rising, Aquarius Moon

55. tumblr friends

@copiasghoulfriend @copias-juicebox @anamelessfool @portaltothevoid @katyaoaksdottir @the-lisechen

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