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snow-and-saltea · 5 months

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People I'd like to know better

Tagged by @paleasamoon (hi tex i love you tex sorry this took a year) (HEH. get it. cus you tagged me last year. heh.)

Last song: just putting on yt music as im reading manga and talking to muwi, and now its playing burn for you, from the bridgerton musical! (i don't know watch or follow it) (it's just a nice song) but i'd also like to recommend this song

Favourite colour: YELLOW!!!! 💛💛💛💛💛💛

Currently watching: my computer screen writing this up

Last movie / TV show: skip to loafer! i was screaming with muwi the entire time bc the story was so sweet and healing and everyone is so sympathetic and cute and we kept being like AAAAAAAAAA I LOVE WOMEN FRIENDSHIPS SO MUCHHHHHH

Spicy/savoury/sweet: sweet! if i could choose a combo, i like savoury-sweet. i like spice but only if i like the flavour! i'm not keen on the actual pain sensation of spice!!

Last thing I googled: hummmm i don't remember... i think a marinade recipe i made yesterday night? i made a korean base marinade for some lamb chops!! i cooked them today and invited my sister to eat with us, it was rlly yummy!

Relationship status: single! waves my aroace flag!!! i'm curious about how it feels to be in a relationship but it's not smth i try to actualize LOL i'm content w reading my shoujosei man-ga/hwa/huas <33

Current obsession: idk if i could call them obsessions yet but right now i'm really invested in sousou no frieren (anime only, havent caught up to the manga), skip to loafer (same there), and i'm looking for more wholesome healing stories. although now that i'm going through my reading lists for stories i've dropped, i'm laughing at them fjaksfjkasfj

(i promise this one has proper context bc i usually like pacifist mcs just bc i like politics and connection seeking to be based on a foundation of empathy and kindness. but this one was just so stupid and just a way to establish how good the mc was to the point that i couldn't get immersed in the story bc it was that nonsensical and i wanted to die)

i'm typically fine w mary sues / jane(?) FLs and i even tend to be biased for them just bc there's a lot of misogyny about the subject matter, so i normally don't bat an eye unless it's a writing choice i find unsuitable / doesn't fulfill the potential it could've achieved with an interesting plot.

(btw the context is that the first screenie which this rant also applies to was when some guy caught the baddies and the FL is like "No let's reward them for trying to kill us. they're just misunderstood!! i bet if we try really hard we can all get along!!")

but! i only really like it when it actually does something useful, like thematically or symbolically. like tohru's innate goodness for furuba inline with the sohma's family curse and mitsumi's unending positivity and earnestness that helps the people around her heal from emotional wounds. not that they're mary sues in any way, but since people understand mary sues as "female protagonists who can do no wrong and will be liked no matter what" (even thought their psychology and personality is just genuinely likeable), i think it makes my point clear. there's a way to write a character who is Good and Kind without cheapening them to a naivete that at best, makes the mc pitiable, or worst, is treated like the mc's totally unique worldview of "lets be nice to people and never hurt anyone ever :)" is the end all be all of the story and the solution to the plot. kindness and empathy is a coiled spring that projects you forward, a motivator. it's how you guide your hand and where it goes, not that the hand is never raised. i don't agree that cowardice towards change and the potential promise of conflict is any kind of wisdom >:T plus it kinda puts the shame to the idea of kindness as a legitimate basis for political strategy, and that leads to some set up for a lot of zero sum games i don't care for in this specific story. there is a good story where each character is trying to one up each other politically, psychologically, at all times, but this is not that story and so the tone feels very off kilter.

but yeah!! sometimes a character is just OP and the story is not even having fun with it (aka its not satire or irony), which makes me think they want to take it seriously. and my serious thoughts was that it sucked.

(i just realised this also applies to the first screenie LMFAO it just loops back huh!!)

not gonna comment about the others bc i think they speak for themselves <33 but also the first one of these three is fucked up in the sense that i dont even get where they're going w the story. its a revenge story and the FL uses the ML from childhood to achieve her revenge, but then suddenly when he's an adult she has Feelings for Him and now im like.... okay....? belief no longer suspended. beliefs are like those garter straps that snapped. my socks are like my beliefs. fallen to my feet. they are no longer suspended.

sorry that got off track </33 i enjoy looking into why i dont like things, im in this stage of life where i realise i actually have specific ass tastes!! i always have, but i just realised it very recently a few years back fjskfjskjf

People I'd like to know better (i also wanna include some mutuals who i haven't talked to but i like to see on my dash):

@snickerdoodlles

@fflewddurfflam7

@00uroboros

@perpetualstateofcrying

@pirate-with-internet-connection

💛🐢😤💪

#yuu rambles #thank you tex and this was rlly long sorry before i realised i've spent like 20 mins writing my rant about idealism JFAKSJFKASFJ #<3333

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t00nyah · 10 months

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-07.28.23-07.30.23

decided to redesign my librarians a little bit and think what they would do if they get out of the library...they're so fun (the last guy isn't a librarian but he was so ugly i had to fully redesign him) i don't remember if those librarians were custom made or not (except i certainly remember that the first one wasn't) but uyhhuhuh yeah

in-game and pre-L corp sketches i made...2 years...ago...

each one separately with some lore under cut,..,.,.,.,.,,,

galina(she/her) before L corp had a funny case of being an urban legend just bc she killed people with her poems as an experiment a lot. yep. she can kill people by mentioning them in her poems and that's how she ended up parentless and went emo. but then not long after trying to stop being emo she got into L corp. where she kinda managed to try and be normal. doesn't write stuff much after her legend-retirement, but she's okay. (her lore is goofy but i like it and im leaving it that way)

after the library she became a fixer with narae, another librarian she got really close to.

narae(she/her) used to be a 6 grade fixer with her brother, mckenna, and sullivan, their good pal, who had a little brother that he also brought to office quite a lot. the siblings got tired and retired from being fixers and then boom they got invited to work at L corp. and they decided why not. mckenna died, but narae managed to restore from this in the library times.

as someone who actually knows how offices work, she started an office with galina, going back to business. sullivan's brother, tim, also ended up as a librarian after narae asked really nicely to unbook that random index proselyte. no-one knows where sullivan is, he just went missing one day and tim got into some bad influence. but tim probably also joined their new office, he wanted to become a fixer like his brother before.

'rittany(she/her) used to be a member of a funky syndicate. wasn't really enjoying her life there. she was almost killed in her childhood and saved by the green daze, who knew people who really wanted a child so kinda gave them her and they went along with it happily. she was trying to repay them all those years of care out of her own desire but ended up working for a shitty syndicate and got a little lost on what she's doing. then got a job offer from L corp and gladly changed her job.

she never was that good at violence, and didn't enjoy seeing such... i think after the library she ended up working at the flower shop and slowly getting some cash to go back to the district, the street, the house she used to live in, to see if her family is still there, see if they're okay.

orion, or the green daze(he/him) is just. a guy. literally. just a colour fixer bc i really wanted to have fun designing a colour fixer and that's it. he's a silly gooper with a kind heart but no actual sense of responsibility. saved a child and gave it away and disappeared. that's him. the guy. i just like roasting him for no actual reason i need to give him lore... but at least new design is cool!! the old one was so random lol.

(im very happy about giving him this new eye colour for betelgeuse, orion's alpha, being a red supergiant, and a silver(bluish) clip on his scarf-bandana-idk-thing with a dog for sirius(bc canis major is considered orion's dog), and changing skin tone was a great decision because making most characters white is very boring as it turns out and also his slight outfit style change makes me RAWARRHGRHG really cool one)

i wonder if he's alive...and what he's up to if he is...

#project moon #library of ruina #lor oc #galina (lor oc)#narae (lor oc)#'rittany (lor oc)#orion (lor oc)

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minimooberry · 1 year

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15 Questions for 15 (girl idk that many 😭) Mutuals

thanks @druidberries for tagging me!!!

Are you named after anyone?

i feel like this is the dumbest thing ever bc like technically I’m named after my mom, or at least inspired by it, but we have very different names I just have the tamil version and she has the hindi version. My name means sweet melody and hers means melody. The reason I think it’s funny is because when my parents were getting married my dad asked his old teacher to come to it and upon hearing my mom’s name the first thing he says is ‘Oh her name’s Hindi so you should name your daughter the Tamil version.’ and here I am 😭😭

When was the last time you cried?

I literally have no idea probably like two weeks ago though I always got some shit going on lmao

Do you have kids?

absolutely not I’m in high school 😭 I’m still kind of on the fence of if I want them but if I do decide to have them I want a twin boy and girl and then I’m done pjasdhad

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

life is better when you’re sarcastic

What sports do you play/have you played?

I’ve danced for like, ten-ish years but other than like, badminton (and literally who is bad at badminton) I hate doing sports mnskjdksj

What’s the first thing you notice about other people?

Appearence wise I notice their eyes first, I don’t know if it’s because I draw a lot or wtv but I love looking at people’s eyes I’ve never met anyone without beautiful eyes. Aside from that I notice if they’re like?? comfortable talking to me because I hate the feeling of someone not wanting to talk to me I’d rather just back off first aksdjlasdj

Eye colour?

It’s the most boring colour of brown like it’s not even a cool type of brown it’s just. Desaturated brown 🙄

Scary movies or happy endings?

Horror movies with happy endings 🔛🔝🤭🤭 I watched this korean horror movie and they switched the ending from good to bad in the last five minutes and I hated everything about that decision tbh I’m a hurt/comfort girly till the day i die

Any special talents?

I don’t knowwww I don’t pay attention that but I am incredibly skilled at losing everything I put down ngl

Where were you born?

Toronto!!

What are your hobbies?

the sims (obviously), drawing, writing, reading, I like knitting a normal amount, literally anything to do with biology, true crime, failing at playing horror games w/ my friends, andddd I think that’s it? I’ve been getting into blender recently tho!

Do you have any pets?

girl i WISH 😭 i’ve been asking my parents since literally before I can remember and their answer is always ‘we already have three dogs at home’ like bae it’s been over a decade pls get a new comeback 😒😒

How tall are you?

6 feet tall 🥱🥱

Fave subject in school?

i love Science when I actually understand it I’ve always been into it which is why I’m going into medicine after I graduate like women in STEM core is going so hard

Dream job?

UMMM I’ve always wanted to be in medicine(well, ever since I made the decision when I was 7) but I’ve kind of jumped in between a few paths. Like I wanted to be a midwife, then I wanted to be a neo-natal nurse (still debating this one tbh it’s mad interesting) and I also want to be an anesthesiologist bc it’s cool and they make bank but either way I have to take the same courses all the same so it’s fine

also don’t know if any of yall have done this so just ignore this if u have and spare me the shame 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️: @strangecowplant @crsentfairy @afrolotus @finnsim @sierraelil @simsyworld @shadezovgray @d4isy-nukes @buttertrait @izharza @helltrait @baersims @bnt0 @alt-simz @nooboosim

#tag game #!!

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buttertrait-old · 1 year

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sims get to know me tag! putting it below the cut bc it’s a long one

ty for the tag @druidberries !!

1. what’s your favourite sims death? umm maybe death by chickens, idk why it’s just so silly to me

2. alpha or maxis match cc? i would probably say i’m more of a maxis match girly personally, but i like maxis mix too !

3. do you cheat when your sims gain weight? i don’t do enough gameplay honestly 😭

4. do you use move objects? yes i literally cannot decorate without it because i use so much clutter!

5. favourite mod? ummm, bc i’m like mostly a cas player probably more cas columns? and pose/teleport mod for ingame screenshots and edits

6. first expansion/game/stuff pack you got? cats and dogs it came with my sims game my bf got it for me!! (if i remember it was like a bundle in the summer sale on steam and for the base game and cats and dogs it was £15?)

7. do you pronounce live mode like aLIVE or LIVing? LIVing

8. who’s your favourite sim that you’ve made? honestly? elvene. i love her so much and she was obviously a dnd character before she was a sim but just i really love how she looks and i just love spinning her around in cas

9. have you made a simself? yes a few times, but i feel like they always look nothing like me

10. what sims traits would you give yourself? CLUMSY 1000% and, animal enthusiast and gloomy

11. which is your favourite ea hair colour? uhhh there’s a few i like, i really like dark brown swatches, the lighter orange swatch (the one which is more bright) and the like peachy blonde colour

12. favourite ea hair? ummm, the one with the coloured roots that we got in an sdx drop!

13. favourite life stage? i love infants bc they’re so easy to make and they’re so tiny and cute!! also young adults bc im a cas simmer so i tend to only make ya sims

14. are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay? neither 😭 i mostly do cas stuff like every now and then i’ll go in game and i’ll instantly be like nope and run back to cas

15. are you a cc creator? i am not, however i did create the frognsie which is just a recolour but i feel like it’s a part of my legacy now

16. do you have any simblr friends/a sim squad? i have a few really good friends from simblr🫶but im always open to meeting new people im just scared of messaging people for the first time

17. what’s your favourite game? ts4 although i would love to play my sims too

18. do you have any sims merch? uhhh, no i don’t think so?

19. do you have a youtube channel for sims? i do not i don’t even know what id post if i did if i’m being honest😭

20. how has your “sim style” changed throughout the years of playing? i would mainly say it’s become more maxis matchified (left old sim style, right new sim style)

21. what’s your origin id? buttercup2001 but i don’t upload anything it’s just a bunch of my old sims

22. who’s your favourite cc creator? omg i couldn’t choose just one, but defo squea for skin overlay and eyes, simandy for hair, trillyke or jellymoo for clothes and so many others i could literally go on forever <33

23. how long have you had a simblr? i think since the start of last year even thou it feels like longer i actually haven’t been on simblr for that long surprisingly

24. how do you edit your pictures? badly😭 um no i usually use photopea and then i edit the lighting using clipdrop, nothing fancy (mainly bc i can’t afford photoshop)

25. what expansion/game/stuff pack has been your favourite so far?? cottage living. i don’t know how i could live without henford on bagley in my game i take most of my ingame screenshots there. also i love the animals that come with it and just the build items and cas is all so cute!!

26. what expansion/game/stuff pack do you want them to make next? i think the pack i want the most is fairies or some kinda woodland/elvish pack because i’m obsessed with that kinda stuff

feel free to ignore but i’m tagging @lucidicer @crsentfairy @futurelabs @squea @cottageivy @444proxy and anyone else who wants to do this just say i tagged you 🫶🫶

#thanks for the tag bestie <33 #ask game #this was a LONG one #max’s thoughts

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hihimissamericanbi · 11 months

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Tag Game

okay, onto my next email in my post-vacation catch-up: this delightful tag from @blackberry-sunset aka brown eyed dream girl ok here we go.

are you named after anybody? my middle name is an old family name, otherwise no.

when was the last time you cried? you know it has been a minute i am probably due. wait no i take that back i cried last thursday after a woof of a convo with my mother.

do you have kids? what a question Tumblr, who are you my mother? (see above). no, i have endometriosis, and now have the iud and am in love with pain-free and child-free life and in fact is a big reason i found myself here in the first place (if my body can't make a baby, might as well see what other shit it can get up to) (oh turns out i can write gay porn based on children's fantasy books cool) (also i like girls huh who'd have thought)

do you use sarcasm a lot? ??? we are fic writers? of course we are sarcastic little shits??? like literally look at my last sentence

what’s the first thing you notice about other people? def their style. i am that cliche partnered late-in-life queer bloomer who is all about "your vibe." specifically? shoes and hair probably. which is hilarious considering my hair is usually in a messy bun and i'm usually in birks. which, i guess, does give you an accurate picture. rip me

what’s your eye colour? blue-green, the kind that changes

scary movies or happy endings? Blackberry said it best: "real life is scary enough, why would i want that in my fiction :( "

any special talents? besides being horny on main? and like, writing? i paint and i give really good touches/massages

where were you born? idk this is too identifying for me so I'll just say USA

what are your hobbies? Blackberry ALSO said it best with "procrastinating." I will add pestering my husband literally 24/7 I love writing simping Sirius bc i relate so so hard

do you have any pets? my angel baby puppy dog!!! (she is not a puppy nor is she a human baby. but I treat her like one)

how tall are you? Lol I'm keeping Blackberry's answer here too: "tall enough to ride! ;) i’m 5′4″ (162cm), basic girl height"

favourite subject in school? oh babes you KNOW it was theater. I liked English too. But i was born an attention whore from day 1. but only for the stage. at a party I AM NOT TO BE PERCEIVED. but i *am* to be invited. and i am to be admired from afar for my killer style and sick tattoos and flawless hair and makeup, of course.

Might also explain why I like writing dramatic Draco...

dream job? I TOO DO NOT DREAM OF LABOR however having said that as an IRL trophy wife with no kids if i could get paid to write about smut and sex sice I am already doing it that would be v cool. Anyone have any personal linkups with the audio porn industry? I made an outrageous resume I'm dying to share

Tagging fellow theatre heaux @achilleslikespeas and fellow smut sensationalist @spookymoonie

#tag game #theater kid #smut writer for hire #finding queerness after infertility #that's got to be a thing right?

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loud-sturniolos · 2 months

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SORRY, ITS ANOTHER RAMBLE ABT MY GIRLFRIEND 😟😟😟 I JS LOVE HER SM SO, SORRY YALL GOTTA DEAL W THE RAMBLING CS I HAVE NOBODY ELSE TO TALK TOO ABT HER🤗

SOOO BASICALLY THIS LITERALLY JS HAPPENED, BUT BASICALY SHE NEVER RLLY CALLS ME PET NAMES, SHE NORMALLY ONLY USES LIKE “LOVE” OR “MY LOVE” N STUFF LIKE THAT WHERE AS I USE LIKE LOADS(my autistic ass made a whole ass list on Notion of what pet names she likes, doesn’t like and only kind of likes💀..) LIKE BABY, ANGEL, SWEETHEART, LOVE, PRETTY GIRL ETC. AND OMG.. LITERALLY FIVE MINUTES AGO I SENT HER A SNAP LIKE “hiiii!” AND SHE REPLIED WITH “hiii baby” AND OABSAJJS OH MY GOODNESS MY HEART. IDK HOW TO DESCRIBE IT. LIKE MY HEART JS STOPPED FOR A SECOND. AND NOW I CANT STOP BLUSHING?!?! LIKE FIRST SHES POSTING ME ON TIK TOK TO A CUTE TREND EVEN THO SHE NEVER POSTS ON TIK TOK, NOW SHES CALLING ME BABY?? I CANT GUYS. I CANT.

ALSO A FEW DAYS AGO WE WERE ON CALL AND WE WERE LITERALLY TALKING ABOUT OUR WEDDING.. LIKE THE LAST TIME WE TALKED ABOUT WEDDINGS IT WAS “Oh I want my wedding…” BUT LIKE THIS TIME IT WAS “I want OUR wedding” LIKE.. OH MY GOSH GUYS IM IN LOVE. I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN THE EXCITEMENT I FEEL RN. LIKE ACTUALLY SHES THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

WHAT DO I DO?! WHAT IF I MESS THIS UP?!?! IM FREAKING OUT😭😭

EDIT:: SHES ASKING ME WHAT COLOUR SHE SHOULD DO FOR HER NAILS NEXT.. STOP THAT. SHE ASKED BLACK OR WHITE AND I SAID WHITE AND TOLD HER ITS BC WHITE BRINGS OUT HER PRETTY EYES, IM FREAKING OUT WHAT IF SHE DOESNT LIKE THAT???

#loudsturniolos

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animeomegas · 3 years

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MY FELLOW ANON ARE VIOLATING MY EMOTIONS TODAY 😂 god I’m acc crying. Your writing is amazing. I’m gonna combat the sadness with a wholesome thing of them finding a pup in a bin (or something) a few months after the loss of the first pup (Neji is currently shut down entirely) is like “lol gimme”. Proceeds to take the pup home, put it in his nest scent the lil bean (gender is your choice) and just be like “yeah this mine now”. Any nay sayers are ignored bc it’s still his baby (maybe almost like his pup reincarnated 👀👀) regardless of how baby was obtained. Idk I just think my guy needs some positivity after life kicking the ever loving shit out of him

This is beautiful and you’re right, Neji deserves the world, but I’ll settle with a quiet life and some happiness for my boy!

Okay, so things haven’t been…good with Neji since you had to let your pup die to save him.

It has been two months and still he lays in his nest every day, sometimes crying, sometimes whining, but mostly just staring at nothing. He had incorporated a bunch of baby stuff (blankets, toys etc.) into his nest before he went to the hospital, in order to make his pup feel more at home in the nest when he was supposed to bring them back. You had tried to take them out to stop him having to be confronted with what happened in his safe space, but Neji almost attacked you for doing so, so you let him keep them.

But it’s very concerning when he spends hours at a time just stroking the pup's blankets and staring at nothing.

So, you decide to take Neji on a walk to get him out of the house. It would be his first time leaving the house since the funeral.

You go at night time, because Neji is still refusing any contact with anyone he knows and this way he’s less likely to be confronted when he isn’t ready for it. To make extra sure that you can be alone, you decide to walk around the edge of the woods around one of the quieter training grounds.

Neji doesn’t speak much, but he doesn’t whine or cry either, and the night air brings a little colour to his cheeks, and you’re so happy at the small improvements. It doesn’t matter how long it ends up taking him to feel better, you’ll be here with him the whole way.

…

“I was thinking about cooking something special next week,” you make idle conversation, not expecting Neji to reply. “It’s our anniversary after all, do you have any preference?”

Neji stops walking suddenly. His shoulders are tense.

“Neji?”

He hushes you harshly.

“I can hear…”

Without another word of warning, Neji makes his way a little further into the trees. You follow him, confused and worried.

“Byakugan!” he calls, scanning the area. He gasps as he scans over a nearby bush and immediately he drops to his knees beside it.

“Neji?” you ask, now more than a little concerned. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

You watch as Neji pulls something out of the bush. He turns around with a bundle in his arms.

“It’s a pup,” Neji says, obviously shocked. You can’t blame him, you’re feeling more than a little shocked yourself. What on earth was a pup doing out here? “They’re freezing. Give me your jacket.”

Without hesitance, you quickly slip your jacket of and hand it to Neji who promptly bundles up the pup in it and brings them to his chest. The pup is making small whimpering noises that had been almost impossible to hear over the wind. Neji must have hear them, thank goodness.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” Neji coos to the pup. “You’re safe now, I'll take you home and make it better, I promise.”

“We need to get them to the hospital asap," you say, shaking your head. "They must be freezing and they look underweight as well. We’re not mednin, Neji.”

“Our home is closer.”

“Neji…”

“We need to make sure they’re warm,” he argues. “We can bring them home and alert a medic to make a home visit.”

You look at the earnest look on his face and know that he won’t back down, and now isn’t a time for arguments anyway.

“Okay,” you swallow nervously. “We’ll bring them home.”

…

You bring the pup back to your home and before you can protest, Neji brings them into his nest with a mumbled ‘they’ll be warm in there’.

Neji bundles himself and the pup up in the corner of the nest, turning on a little heater beside him, and tucking the pup into his shirt to share body warmth.

“We’ll get you nice and warm, it’s okay, you’re safe, I won’t let anyone harm you,” he whispers while stroking their cheek with a finger. The pup wriggles around, already looking more energetic, and starts mouthing at Neji’s chest.

“Are you hungry?” Neji laughs softly before turning to you. “Go and heat up a bottle for the pup, all the supplies are in the… the nursery.”

You nod dumbly and do as you’re asked, astounded at how much life is in Neji’s eyes. It’s the most life you’ve seen from him in months. But you can’t help but worry. What if Neji gets attached and you can’t keep the pup? Of course, you want nothing more than to keep the baby, it almost seems too good to be true that she literally fell into both your lives at this trying time, but what if it is too good to be true? What if they’re sick? Or their parents are looking for them? Or… something else. Neji doesn’t deserve another heartbreak, and you don’t want to destroy the small amount of progress he’s made in the last month.

But for now, all you can do is heat up the bottle.

…

“Here, it’s a good temperature, I already checked,” you pass Neji the bottle. He checks it again anyway and you can’t help but smile at how overprotective and parental he's being. It's so bittersweet to see him like this.

“Here you go sweetheart, just for you,” Neji smiles, cradling the pup as they latch onto the bottle with fervour. “Shh, shh, shh, slow down, it’s not going anywhere.”

Neji feeds the pup and then burps them, and you pretend you can’t see him smiling when he notices that they are starting to smell like him. You need to know you can keep her before you let him get even more attached.

“I’m going to send a clone for a medic, now.”

The room became tense all at once.

“They’re fine, I’m looking after them,” Neji protests.

“I know, and you’re doing a good job, but we still need a medic, Neji.”

Neji holds the pup more tightly to his chest, tucking an extra blanket around them. He's using the special blanket you had got commissioned for your pup. You can feel your heart break at the sight. He's already attached. Now you just have to hope you can keep them. For his sake.

“I don’t want them to take the pup away like last time,” Neji admits softly. "I can look after them, I won't let anything happen like last time, I promise. They'll be safe, we don't need a medic."

“We need to know their primary and secondary gender, omega, and we need to make sure they aren’t sick after being left in the woods…”

Neji hesitates but nods his consent in the end after you explain that your pup could become ill if left untreated. You don’t tell him that you are also sending a clone to the Hokage. Naruto will be able to grant you and Neji the right to keep the pup, and you hope that as Neji’s friend, he’ll be able to see how much he needs this.

…

You have to move Neji and the pup downstairs to wait for the medic, because Neji would not appreciate someone unknown seeing his nest he made for his pup. He’s not expecting Naruto to show up as well so you go to the door to intercept and prep them both.

“Thank you so much for coming, Naruto, I can’t tell you how much this means to me and Neji,” you say, hugging him as he walks through the door.

“I’m going to do everything I can,” he promises. “If the medic finds signs of long-term neglect, I can take the parental rights away from the biological parents straight away, even if I don't know who they are, and transfer you the rights.”

Your face visibly brightens, but Naruto continues.

“But if the only injuries are from laying in the forest for a few hours, I’ll have to try and find the parents first, because the child may have been taken from them by force, when the pup was otherwise a healthy baby being looked after sufficiently. In that circumstance, I’ll have to take the child back with me and put them in foster care until a three-month window has passed. And if the parents are found…”

“I know,” you sigh. “Let’s just get this done as soon as possible.”

The three of you walk into the living to see Neji cradling the pup tightly against his chest.

“Hey Neji,” Naruto greets softly with a sad smile. “I haven’t seen you around for a while.”

Neji tenses upon seeing Naruto.

“Naruto? Why are you here?” Neji clearly misinterprets the situation, holding the pup even more tightly and turning accusatory eyes against you. “Why did you bring him here?”

“I’m here to determine whether the pup was abandoned or kidnapped to the best of my abilities, once we have that done, we can decide how things are going to happen, okay?”

“How do you decide that?” Neji asks with distrustful eyes.

“The medic will give them a check-up, completely routine, I promise,” Naruto speaks with a soft voice like he’s talking to a cornered animal. Well, you look at Neji for a moment who is coiled as tightly as spring, he’s not far off.

It takes about five minutes for you to convince Neji to let go of the pup and hand them to the mednin, and then the next fifteen minutes involve you holding him in your arms to stop him wrestling the pup back from the mednin.

And then, rather ominously, the mednin pulls Naruto aside to talk.

Neji is shaking in your arms.

“It’s okay, calm down, Neji,” you try to comfort him.

“I can’t-“ Neji chokes, hands fisting in your shirt. “He has our pup, you let them take our pup.”

You don’t bother to correct him on his use of ‘our’, knowing it would only upset him more.

“I know baby, but they need to see that they’re healthy, nothing’s wrong, just breathe.”

Neji doesn’t take your advice.

"Last time they took them-"

"This isn't like last time, omega. Come one, try and settle down a little, that's it."

...

Naruto eventually walks back in, holding the pup securely, the mednin nowhere to be seen.

“So,” Naruto says seriously. And then his face breaks out into a wide grin. “Am I right in thinking you want to adopt?”

You can almost feel your relief in the air. Thanking every power that be for this stroke of luck. Losing this pup could have easily meant losing your mate, and the gravity of the situation all comes crashing down at once. Neji looks as though he is feeling much the same.

“Give me them,” he orders, arms out.

“Her,” Naruto corrects. “The mednin said she’s a female alpha.”

Tears start welling up in Neji’s eyes as he takes her. Their bio pup was a female alpha, too.

“Thank you,” he whispers to no one, holding his new pup as tightly as he dared. “I’ve got you now, you’re safe and sound with me, I won’t let anything hurt you ever again.”

Naruto slips out of the house without a fuss, dropping the mednin’s recommendations for feeding the underweight pup on the coffee table.

...

You and Neji take your new pup upstairs and bundle her back into the nest. Neji lays down with her, stroking her cheek as he watches her sleep.

“You need to get some rest too, omega,” you suggest, running a hand down Neji’s back.

“Guard?” he asks in response.

“Yes," you smile at his protective instincts. "I’ll guard the nest while you sleep, I promise.”

“Okay, alpha…” Neji settles down, still with one hand resting on the pup. “But if I don’t wake up when she cries, wake me… I want to be the one to feed her.”

You laugh gently, “Of course, now get some sleep. I’ll guard you both.”

#neji x reader #omega!neji #alpha!reader #alpha reader #a/b/o #omegaverse #tw:grief #reader insert #headcanons #naruto #alpha x omega #gn reader #gender neutral reader

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falcqns · 3 years

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Hii i have this request in mind like Chris Evans x Actress! Singer! Reader like the reader and chris dated for 3y idk but they broke up but the reader always visit chris’ family bc she treated them like family aswell specialy when the reader’s parents died so she spend Christmas there or any occasions bc chris’ family invite her and when chris got a new gf the reader is kinda hurt bc she still love chris but she try to look like she doesn’t care but then she released her new song its called deja vu (by olivia rodrigo) and she release it to her bday so when the song is released the fans knew its abt chris bc of the new gf (chris’ fam doesn’t like the new gf and the fans kinda didn’t support them bc of the girl’s attitude) and chris’ family invites her over bc they want to show the reader something and when the reader got there they surprise her for her bday and congratulate her and turns out chris is there too with his new gf🤨and the reader knew chris’ new gf hated her bc of her look and scott called you all to the living room and watch the mv of the reader’s new song and when the mv ends scott and the fam congratuleted the reader and chris’ gf is giving the reader looks again and chris is noticing it and when the reader is in the kitchen alone getting something chris talk to her and congratulate her and chris’ new gf wrapped her arms around chris and chris tried to stop her to make a scene but she started a scene and scream at the reader but the reader cut her off and embarrassing her and the reader prove the new gf shes first not her (idk if that make sense lol) and the new gf leave(idk you can make her a random name so its not only “new gf”) and the reader and chris talk and they got back together, you can do wha you want at the end this is just so random bc i was listening to deja vu and advance thank you if you do my request! Stay safe! ❤️ and im so sorry if this is so long

Deja Vu

pairing: Chris Evans x singer!reader

warnings: parents death, major angst, fluff.

a/n: thank you for the request! Hope you enjoy!

You had known Chris since college, when you had met him in your communications class. You two had grown close quickly, and became best friends.

He brought you home every Christmas Eve, before you would go home to your parents house on Christmas Day. You had always felt like a part of the family, so when your parents passed a way, you turned to him.

You and your parents were driving home from a Christmas Day church service, when you were hit by a semi truck. It had completely totalled the car, and your parents had died on impact. You had been sitting in the back, and only had a broken leg from where your moms seat had been pushed back into it roughly.

You had been pulled from the car and sat in a second ambulance, while your parents were transported in another. You knew you'd never forget watching that ambulance door close and drive away, knowing that was the last time you'd ever see them.

When the police officers asked if there was anyone you could call, you didn't know what to do. Your parents were both only children, so you had no aunts, uncles or cousins. You were an only child too, so you had no siblings, and your grandparents had passed when you were little, your other ones passing before you were born.

So when the officer asked you, you told him the Evans’ phone number. Lisa picked up on the second ring, and you tearfully explained what had happened as the shock wore off. She immediately said she’d meet you at the hospital, and not to worry, that she and Bob would take care of you.

You were taken to the hospital and treated for your broken leg. Less than an hour after you arrived, Lisa arrived at the hospital with Chris in tow. They comforted you, and took you home with them. You stayed in Chris’s room for the first few days, and when you were given your own room, you still had a hard time sleeping alone, so Chris ended up in your bed with you most nights, not that he minded.

You never went back to college, and instead turned to singing as a release from all the pain you were feeling. You started out posting covers on YouTube, and gradually progressed to getting a record deal with Interscope Records, which didn't surprise anyone who knew you. You had immense talent, and your parents used to tell you that they were counting down the days before you were a celebrity.

When Chris graduated college and told you he was moving to Los Angeles, he convinced you to come with him. Prices were high in LA, and he didn't want to be separated from you for too long, so you joined him. He got to be an actor, and you got to be a singer, which is what you both had wanted since you were younger.

You went to every one of Chris’s movie premieres, and he attended as many of your live shows as he could. You supported him through all his relationships and his breakups, and played the middle man whenever he and Jenny would fight, up until the very end. You told yourself you did that because you just wanted what's best for him, but you both kind of knew that wasn't the reason at all.

Throughout your time living together, you friendship grew, as did your feelings for each other. You'd be lying if you didn't have a small crush on him in college, and those feelings only grew as time went on, especially since the two of you decided to only get a one bedroom apartment. Mainly because it was cheap, but also because Chris made a decision a week after your parents death to never allow you to sleep alone because of the nightmares that would occur if he wasn't there.

So, when you won your first award for your first album, named ‘hand in hand’, he kissed you the second you came off the stage with your award in hand. It blew your mind that he felt the same, but you were happy nonetheless. You two began dating that night, and everything was perfect.

Until, you were invited by 5 Seconds of Summer to be their opening act on their newest tour. You had agreed, and Chris let you go. You two had been dating for over 3 years, and you thought your relationship would be fine.

You quickly realized however that that wasn't the case, when the two of you started fighting less than two weeks into the tour. The fights weren't anything major, more petty things like ‘did you change the Netflix password’ or ‘why did you take this piece of clothing, that was mine and it was my favourite.’ All around stupid fights.

You had turned to Calum, who you were closest with, and he consoled you as much as you could. You realized however, that you couldn't be with Chris anymore when he drunk called you in the middle of the night while you were in the UK and got angry with you when you answered and told him to call you back in the morning when he was sober, to which he proceeded to brag that he slept with his co star at the time, Jessica Alba, you freaked out and ended things.

You got a message from Jessica on instagram the next day letting you know that they did not sleep together, and that she was sorry he even said it. You assured her it was fine, and felt relief.

Relief because you got to the bottom of the situation, but also relief from your relationship. You didn't know what happened in those few weeks, but you knew the relationship was turning toxic, and you wanted to stop it before that happened. Neither you or Chris needed that. You told him you’d find a new place to live, and by the time tour ended, you bought yourself a house in Beverly Hills, and moved out of the apartment.

Chris moved out not long after, and bought his own house. He had tried to stay friends with you, but you didn't want that at that point in time. You were still hurting, and needed time to heal.

Once you felt ready to date again, you were asked to be Calum’s date to the Peoples Choice Awards, you accepted. You knew Chris would be there, and you were hoping to talk to him, and maybe work it out. He had told you during the break up that he would always wait for you to come back, and that he still loved you, and always would.

But you knew that wasn't the case when he showed up on the red carpet, with a new actress named Myra Woodfield. You had smiled at him, while trying not to break down inside, but he gave you a dirty look and rolled his eyes at you when Calum wrapped his arm around your waist for a picture. You furrowed your eye brows and took a good look at Myra.

She looked almost exactly like you. Same build, same hair colour, same eye colour. The only difference is that she was slightly taller than you. You didn't know why he was replacing you, but it hurt. You pushed it out of your head however, and enjoyed the night with your best friend.

It was a few months later when you were awoken by the constant dinging of your phone. You unlocked it, and saw you had a lot of unread messages from Luke, Ashton, Michael, Calum, and your other best friend Ashe about Chris’s new movie trailer, you sighed.

You watched the trailer, and sighed when it looked like a recreation of a bunch of moments in your relationship with him, only Myra was in your place.

Your fans and some of Chris’s had commented on it, and Myra immediately became aggressive with them, and insulted them. She told them that you were a nobody who could make Chris happy, which she was glad about because she made him happy how.

Within minutes of this happening the hashtag #cancelmyrawoodfield was trending on twitter. You shamelessly went through the tweets and like and retweeted a couple. Then an idea popped in your head.

With a quick google search, you had a plan.

You had written a new song called Deja Vu after the peoples choice awards, and it was had been recorded a few weeks ago, and you just had to decide on a date to release it, and make a decision on the music video. Her birthday was in about 3 months, which gave you enough time to get everything in place to drop on her birthday.

Was it evil? Yes. Did you care? Not really. Besides, you inherited your pettiness from your mother and you knew she’d be proud of you. You called your manager and label, and got it planned out.

When the new music video had been announced, Lisa called you and invited you home to watch it premiere with the family. You accepted, knowing Chris and Myra would be there, and that her birthday would get overshadowed by the release of your music video.

So, three weeks later, you were sitting with Lisa, Bob, Carly, Shanna, Scott, Chris and Myra in Lisa’s living room, waiting for the video to premiere.

Scott had picked you up at the airport earlier in the morning along with Carly and Shanna, and the four of you had a laugh about the face that no one acknowledged Myra’s birthday, not even Chris. It was mean, but no one liked her.

Lisa absolutely hated her, but didn't want to upset Chris, so you got a call shortly after the PCA’s from her and the two of you ranted about her for a good two hours.

You watched as the timer counted down from 10, and then the screen turned black. You took a deep breath and watched Chris out of the corner of your eye.

You had searched for a while for a guy who looked similar to Chris, and you stumbled on Andrew Siwicki. He didn't look exactly like Chris, but it was close enough that everyone would know who the song was about if they didn't already. Andrew was a fan of Chris and hated Myra too, so he was more than glad to help you out.

The music began to play, and you watched as the black screen faded in on two people walking along the beach, holding hands.

“Car rides to Malibu Strawberry ice cream One spoon for two And trading jackets Laughing 'bout how small it looks on you,”

The next scene was a recreation of yours and Chris’s first date where you two had a picnic on the beach, and ended up splashing each other with the ocean water. Towards the end, everyone watched as Andrew picked you up and threw you into the water the same way Chris always did.

You glanced at him, and could have burst into laughter at how uncomfortable Chris looked, but more importantly how angry Myra looked.

“Watching reruns of Glee Being annoying Singing in harmony I bet she's bragging To all her friends, saying you're so unique, hmm,”

The next scene was you and Andrew (who was dressed as Ransom) on what appeared to be a recreation of the Knives Out set, running around with a dog that looked like Dodger chasing after you, the two of you laughing. The next shot was the two of you kissing behind a trailer, seemingly hiding from production.

“So when you gonna tell her That we did that too? She thinks it's special But it's all reused That was our place, I found it first I made the jokes you tell to her when she's with you,”

The next scene was the two of you driving through Southern California, in a car that was almost identical to Chris’s. You two were laughing and singing along to the song, your hair whipping around you.

You took a deep breath, knowing this next scene would piss him right off.

“Do you get déjà vu when she's with you? Do you get déjà vu? (Ah), hmm Do you get déjà vu, huh?”

This scene was you, along with the rest of Chris’s family sitting around a living room that looked like the one you were in now, a Christmas tree full of presents in the corner. The camera panned across everyone as everyone was talking and settled on you and Andrew and the two of you recreated the scene where Chris whispered in your ear how much he loved you, and couldn't wait to start a family with you.

“Do you call her Almost say my name? 'Cause let's be honest We kinda do sound the same,”

The screen showed you and Andrew saying goodbye at the airport, with 5 Seconds of Summer standing behind you. They weren't actually there when you left for tour, but Luke suggested it to piss Chris off, and you had agreed.

Then there was a small montage of clips from tour, including a shot of Michael elbow dropping Ashton into a pool, which made everyone laugh, except Chris and Myra. The montage was followed up by you sitting on the floor of a dressing room and crying as you sent a text that said “I’m done.”

“Another actress I hate to think that I was just your type,”

Now you were on the red carpet, with Calum right beside you. You both were wearing the same clothes you wore on that night, you hair and makeup recreated perfectly. The camera unfocused on you as you turned and looked at Andrew and an actress named Alexa Morrison, who looked a lot like Myra, and they were recreating Chris and Myra’s actions perfectly. The camera swivelled around and came to rest pointing towards your face, as you looked in shock, and a single tear fell down your face.

“I'll bet that she knows Billy Joel 'Cause you played her Uptown Girl You're singing it together,”

You were shown watching a movie trailer with Ashe sitting next to you, while you sobbed at what Alexa and Andrew were doing. You looked at the camera and began singing the song, while Ashe and everything else around you was frozen.

“Now I bet you even tell her How you love her In between the chorus and the verse (ooh) (I love you),”

You were sat on the bed in Chris’s red flannel that you had stolen before leaving for tour, and you were writing in the notebook aggressively with tears rolling down your face and singing.

“So when you gonna tell her That we did that too? She thinks it's special But it's all reused That was the show we talked about Played you the song she's singing now when she's with you,”

You were now being shown sitting on the couch, and watching Andrew run across the TV screen dressed as Captain America, an ice cream tub in your hand. You were wearing sweats and a t shirt, your hair in a messy bun.

“Do you get déjà vu when she's with you? Do you get déjà vu? Oh Do you get déjà vu?”

The camera circled around you before transitioning to the next scene.

“Strawberry ice cream in Malibu Don't act like we didn't do that shit too You're trading jackets like we used to do (Yeah, everything is all reused),”

You were shown laying down in bed, and your eyes closing before an image of you and Andrew danced, dressed as Steve and Peggy in endgame, a scene Chris always told you the two of you would recreate one day. You had called Hayley and asked if it was okay, and she immediately said yes, and even came and watched you do the scene.

“Play her piano, but she doesn't know (oh, oh) That I was the one who taught you Billy Joel (oh) A different girl now, but there's nothing new (I know you get déjà vu),”

When your eyes opened, you were sitting at your piano, and playing while singing along.

“I know you get déjà vu I know you get déjà vu,”

Suddenly, the piano disappeared, and you were left standing in an empty living room as the screen faded to black.

The entire room burst into cheers as the video ended, except for Myra, who looked like she was going to murder you, and Chris who just clapped with a tight lipped smile.

Later that night after all the kids had gone to bed and Lisa was driving Bob home, Scott had pulled you into the kitchen under the pretences of ‘helping him fix a drink’, which ended up just being the two of you gossiping about Chris and Myra, and the music video.

Suddenly, Chris walked in, and nodded for Scott to leave. You cleared your throat and ignored him.

“That was a good song, and an amazing music video.” He said. “I can see you're just getting more and more talented as time-” He began, as you rolled your eyes, and looked at him.

“What do you want?” You asked bluntly.

“I just wanted to congratulate you.” He said, and you were about to open your mouth, when Myra came slinking in the room with an evil look on her face.

“Nice job, Y/N. I’m glad I could inspire your music video.” She said sarcastically, and you could tell Chris was about to defend you, but you opened your mouth first.

“Well, I’m glad I had such a snake like bitch to draw inspiration from,” You said, and heard Scott, his siblings burst into laughter in the living room. Myra’s jaw dropped and she turned to look at him. You looked up at Chris, who was leaning up against the counter, and biting back a smile.

“You’re just going to let her talk to me like that?” She asked, and Chris sighed.

“Myra, don't start. Not now.” He said, she scoffed.

“I knew you still loved her. Only a pathetic loser could love someone as ugly and untalented as her.” She spat, and Chris growled. You felt tears welling up in your eyes, and you ran out of the room, your drink abandoned on the counter.

You ran into your bedroom, where you shut the door, and fell onto the bed in tears.

Back in the kitchen, Chris had gotten in Myra’s face, and was yelling.

“DON’T YOU DARE TALK TO HER LIKE THAT! SHE’S BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH SHIT IN HER LIFE, AND I WON’T ALLOW YOU TO ADD TO THAT!” He screamed, as Scott, Carly, and Shanna ran to the door, unsure of what to do. “SHE IS SO TALENTED, WAY MORE TALENTED THAN YOU! YOU’RE THE REASON PRODUCTION TOOK SO DAMN LONG, IT TOOK FOREVER TO GET A PERFORMANCE OUT OF YOU! YOU OPENLY INSULTED HER AND HER FANS HOURS AFTER YOU WERE ANNOUNCED TO BE IN THIS MOVIE, AND THEN HAD THE AUDACITY TO COME TO ME CRYING BECAUSE YOUR LITTLE FEELINGS GOT HURT!” He screamed, and Shanna ran and backed Chris away from her.

“YOU’RE MY BOYFRIEND! AND ITS MY BIRTHDAY, YET HERE YOU ARE, CONGRATULATING HER FOR A SHITTY MUSIC VIDEO!” Myra screamed, and it was Scott’s turn to get in her face.

“You need to leave. If you don't we’re going to call the cops.” He stated, and Myra rolled her eyes before storming out of the house.

Scott turned back to Chris, and was shocked when he saw him in tears.

“You need to work shit out with Y/N. It’s clear the two of you are still in love, and you need to figure it out as adults,” Scott said, his sisters nodding. Chris took a deep breath, and looked at your closed bedroom door.

Chris walked up to your bedroom door, and took a deep breath before entering the room where he used to sleep in every night.

He opened the door, and saw you curled up in a ball on the bed, your body still shaking. He smiled sadly, and walked into the room, closing the door behind him. He sat on the bed behind you, and rubbed your back gently.

“I’m sorry. Not just for what Myra said, but for everything. For breaking your heart, and for causing you so much pain. I didn't realize how much I was missing you too until we watched that music video and I saw how truly broken you were. I never noticed that before now. And I’m sorry I didn't. If I’d have, I could have fixed this sooner, and we could be together right now.” He said.

You furrowed your brows at his last sentence and sat up.

“W-What?” You asked, and Chris moved closer. He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into a hug.

“I still love you. So so much.” He smiled, and a tear rolled down his face. “You're my entire world, and not having you here is slowly breaking me apart. I didn't know just how much until today, but I can't live another day without you.” He said. “I’m so sorry I hurt you baby.” He sobbed, and his head buried itself into your hair. Your body shook with sobs too, and you turned around to face him.

“I love you too.” You sobbed out. “I never should have ended things, but-” You said, but were cut off by Chris’s lips on yours, and you felt yourself melting into it.

He pulled away a few seconds later. “Don't. It was my fault, not yours. I am so sorry, and I am going to spend the rest of my life making up for it, I promise.” He said, as he stood the two of you up and led you out of the room, and to his.

“Where are we going?” You asked, and Chris pressed a kiss to your cheek.

“I have to grab something.” He said. He opened his closet, and grabbed something out of the top corner before turning to you.

“I said I planned on spending the rest of my life making it up to you, and I plan on keeping that promise.” He said, as he got down on one knee. You gasped, as he opened the box and your dream engagement ring was inside. “I want you for the rest of my life, and the next. Will you marry me?” he asked, tears pouring down his face, just like yours.

You nodded enthusiastically, and Chris stood up. He placed the ring on your ring finger and scooped you up. “I love you,” You choked out, and Chris sobbed harder into you.

“I love you too, and I’m never letting you go.”

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ayyponine · 2 years

Text

oh wow had a day so nice it's baffling actually

i tend to wake up super early so i had a slow start w breakfast, still in sleep shirt, browsing social media. Had set my alarm clock bc i had a job interview today but woke up hrs before that lol. Bought ticket fr a social gathering ("festival" on feminist themes) this saturday to make sure i could attend all panels i had my eye on. At the start of office hours, got v friendly correspondence & made appointments on low key starting up my volunteering again. Listened to some bops, did last minute brushing up on knowledge of the organisation i was applying to get into & what skills i should highlight fr my pitch and left way ahead of time so i could bike without having to rush.

Then p much all afternoon was packed with that - paperwork, informative session re: job expectations, then personal talks w 2 recruiters (the first was w a Laura which is a name kinnie fr me heyo! i feel like we vibed.. which settled my nerves a lil including fr the second talk w her colleague so both went pretty well i feel?).

Idk even if i don't hear back frm them (like remember the bakery...it's been absolute radio silece) it's still like. A positive experience re: job hunting which is such a breath of fresh air tbh even if it doesn't end in actual employment with these people rip but fingers crossed low key yknow.

On the way back started conv w another applicant in my group who'd been super nice to me all day re: lettin me go through doorways first n shit lol so we biked together fr a bit on the way back. Needed to head into the city, got myself an ice cream cone as a treat and bc it was a gorgeous sunny day out. Got looped into conversation w the older gentleman who asked me where I'd bought it and kept him company as he waited fr the people he was supposed to meet.

Also managed to track down some butterfly clips i had previously skipped out on bc I thought five euros was a dumb price fr silly clips before realising it's a small price fr spark of joy. Sprayed on some absolutely delicious gucci tester perfume on my way out. Walked back to bike and decided to take the slightly longer route home so I could go past stunning nature views, drove without holding the steering wheel fr a bit to feel the breeze along my hands. idk something something springtime and life bursting w colour and overwhelming love - cyclical but always on its way back. mom's cooking tonight and then we'll probably watch tv while i rub her sore back. so yeah. anyway <3

#if i dont hear back frm them it's like oh thats too bad but i get it and thank you anyway godspeed <3

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rafecameron · 4 years

Text

dancing on my own

request: Angst with no happy ending? How abt *insert actor/character* getting married and their ex (the reader) kinda 'forcing herself' to go to the wedding bc she really wants to see their mutual friends again but like doesn't wanna see the wedding. And reader just watching the love of their live get married and be happy with someone else and their heart silently being ripped apart? Too cruel?

pairing: ex!luke patterson x reader

word count: 2.1K

warnings: heartbreak, no happy ending

a/n: here you go cruel anon. turns out im not that great at heartbreak but hopefully this makes your heart crack a little bit. (also idk if people read authors notes but my requests are currently closed!)

Y/N thought back on all the times she could have turned around. When she was getting into her car. When she reached the airport. When she queued to board the plane. When she checked into her hotel. When she began to get ready. Now she was facing the very last time she could turn around. Stood outside the venue, all dressed up with no one to walk her inside. But just like the times before, she didn’t turn around, she pushed on. Her heart breaking a little more with each step, she knew that surely by the end of the night there would be nothing left but crumbs. She had promised herself two things before this trip. Number one; she would not speak to him. Number two; she would not cry. She wasn’t entirely sure she would be able to keep either of the promises to herself, but repeating them in her head made her feel that little bit calmer.

She situated herself beside a table lined with drinks, helping herself to a flute of champagne. She was anxious for the doors to be opened so she could find a seat, somewhere in a corner at the back would suit her just fine. Out of sight of anyone who would surely recognise her, she had no intentions of engaging in conversation until the reception. But seeing as what was happening today she should have known it would be her unlucky day.

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” a voice speaks beside her and she turns, landing eyes on someone she had not seen for far too long. His suit was tailored perfectly to his body, his long hair tied in a bun at the back of his head. “I wasn’t sure you’d come.” He pulls her into a hug.

“I wasn’t sure I would either,” she admits as she pulls away, “I wasn’t going to, but I wanted to see everyone...most people.”

Willie laughs softly, “I’m glad you’re here, sit beside me?” He asks, motioning with his head towards the doors that were being pulled open.

“Oh, I was just gonna sit in the back,” she stumbles over her words as Willie takes ahold of her hand, “Aren’t you going to sit with Alex?”

“He’s preoccupied.” Willie states simply, ignoring her protests as he pulls her towards the front of the room to take a seat in the front row.

She sighs as she sits down beside him. The sick feeling in her stomach growing as the room slowly became more and more full, people lining up on the benches and getting ready to watch the ceremony.

Willie reaches down and takes ahold of her hand again, giving it a light squeeze and offering a comforting smile, “You don’t have to stay.” He whispers.

“I do.” She nods, “I want to see everyone, I won’t stay all day but I need to at least say hello now I’m here.”

Willie nods his head, squeezing her hand one last time and patting her knees before turning back to face forward, the ceremony would be starting any minute and she found that her eyes were glued to the pattern on the floor.

For the entirety of the ceremony she didn’t look up. She didn’t want to risk meeting his eyes, didn’t want to see her friends sympathetic looks and definitely didn’t want to see the bride looking beautiful in her white dress. She tried her best not to listen, she couldn’t stomach hearing the vows and knew if she heard the words I do in his voice she’d cry. So she thought about anything else but what was happening in front of her.

She finally looked up when the couple was safely past her line of sight, eyes instantly meeting that of an old blonde friend. He gave her a wave, she was sure the smile was supposed to make her feel better but she just felt more pathetic. Why was she even here? She’s sure the invite was out of politeness and not an actual invitation to come. And if her friends were going to be tiptoeing around her and treating her like a porcelain doll she wasn’t sure she could cope. The nicer people were to her about this the more likely it was she would break down.

She didn’t want to think about it, about him, sure she was at his wedding but that didn’t mean this day had to be about him. She wanted to have a catch up with her friends, avoid her ex the whole night and then go back home, cry with a bottle of wine and forget this whole thing ever happened.

“I’m glad you came.” Alex says as he reaches her, pulling her into a hug, “It’s good to see you.”

“Yeah, it’s good to see you too.” She responds truthfully, “Can we go to the reception? I think I need a drink already.”

Alex laughs, taking Willies hand in his own and leading the way towards the after party. The amount of people that were there she was sure she would be able to avoid the groom for the night. She found herself situated on a table with her friends, helping herself to a glass of wine and making sure the bottle was kept close to her.

No matter how excited she was to see her friends she found that now she was here she was finding it hard to hold a conversation. The group around her were still familiar with each other, still seeing each other and having things to talk about, she felt a little like a spare part. But still she smiled along and listened to their conversation. Something about a recent party they had attended where Reggie had drank a little too much, she laughed along with them unsure of what else to do. The more they spoke and tried to involve her in the conversation the more she realised she didn’t really know the people around her anymore. Sure she had good memories with them and she would always consider them her friends, but she didn’t really know them.

The best thing about weddings it that you can be invisible if you wanted to be. The bride and groom were always busy, everyone wanting to talk to them and congratulate them, and the drunker the guests got the easier it was to slip away from conversations and merely watch the scenes unfold. Which is exactly what she did. She watched her friends get drunk and progressively louder, not noticing anymore if she wasn’t joining in their conversation. If the night continued this way she was certain she would make it out in one piece.

She thought she was doing a pretty good job of avoiding the one person she feared seeing the most. But halfway through the night a hand landed on her shoulder and a familiar scent filled her nose. She felt her skin ignite where his fingers touched and she begged the butterflies in her stomach to go away, to fly away and disappear forever.

Turning in her seat she finally meets his eyes for the first time that night, forcing a smile onto her face as she stands up and allows him to pull her into a hug. Her heart hammers in her chest and she uses every ounce of will power within her to not shed any tears, she felt the epitome of pathetic. Wanting to cry at a wedding like she was in a bad romcom movie. Only if this were a movie she’d get the guy, or a second guy would come sweep her off her feet and make her forget the first one was ever there. She didn’t see that happening anytime soon.

“Thanks for coming.” Luke smiles, “You look great, that colour really suits you.”

She returns his smile with a tight lipped one of her own, “Thanks, you don’t look too bad yourself.” She attempts a light hearted laugh.

She looked away, she couldn’t stand looking into his eyes any longer, his gaze intense and stirring way too many different emotions inside of her. She wanted him to be horrible to her, to tell her to leave and never come back, not to tell her she looks great. How was she ever supposed to get over him when he was nothing but nice to her all the time. She wished he had done something at the end to allow her to hate him. Cheat on her maybe, or tell her he never loved her, then maybe she’d stand a tiny chance of getting over him and moving on with her life. Instead he was selfish and kept her at arms length because he knew he always could and that should have been enough for her to stay away, but she just couldn’t.

“Congratulations,” she looks back at him, eyes settling just above his to avoid his gaze, “You seem really happy, I wish you all the best.”

“Thanks,” he smiles and it’s genuine, something which breaks her heart a little more.

Of course she wants him to be happy, but a bigger part of her wants him to be happy with her and not anyone else. She knows that’s selfish, but that doesn’t stop her from trying to wish it into existence no matter how futile she knows it is.

“Have you met Jess?” He asks, placing a hand on her shoulder as though about to lead her somewhere.

“Oh, no I haven’t but she looks busy,” she quickly shrugs his hand off, the bride she could see from the corner of her eye, laughing at something another guest had said, “I’ll introduce myself later.” She lies.

The only thing she could think that would be worse than this wedding was having to actually meet the bride. To meet her replacement, the better version. The one who had stolen his heart and been worth enough to keep it forever. She forces a smile and excuses herself to the bathroom.

As she reaches the bathroom she can feel her eyes stinging, shutting herself in a cubicle she fans her face, determined not to let a single tear fall. She had made a promise to herself and the least she could do was keep it. She leant her head back against the door, letting out a shaky breath to compose herself.

Once she was sure she wouldn’t cry she exited the bathroom again, thankful to see that he was no longer at the table she had just ran from. She took her seat and no one asked where she had been or if she was okay, she was glad for that at least.

As the night wore on she thought she was doing okay, one little hiccup but no tears since, she’d even found herself genuinely laughing at a couple points. He’d spoken to her and she hadn’t thrown up on his shoes, he had no reason to try and speak to her again.

But then it was time for the first dance and she felt her chest tightening. Her calm composure being over taken by a sinking feeling of dread. She watched for a minute, watched him hold her close and smile. Watched him lean in to kiss her gently before spinning her under his arm and pulling her back in. She wished more than anything that it was her in his arms, her who he still looked at like the world shone behind her eyes. But it would never be her again, and his bride she was sure was far more beautiful than she could ever hope to be.

She watched as more dancers joined the floor, her friends among them. She tried to smile, but the sight was too much for her. Her friends laughing and dancing with their loved ones while she sat on the side lines and watched feeling like a stranger. The slow music a melancholy soundtrack to her emotions, reminding her of something she could never have.

She stands from the table, dragging her eyes over each person she knew, lingering on Luke for a moment longer before she turned and walked out of the room. She knew that this would be the last time she ever saw him, because she knew seeing him happy with someone else would be a slow form of torture. So she walked away, from him, from her friends forever, leaving whatever little pieces were left of her heart behind. By the time she exited the building she felt nothing more than a hollow shell and she finally let the tears fall.

tags: @lovesanimals @makebank @chrlsgillespie @crybabyddl @marinettepotterandplagg @caitsymichelle13 @kcd15 @kinda-really-lost @alexpjoyner @meangirlsx

#luke patterson x reader #luke patterson fic #luke patterson imagine #jatp fic #my writing

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lesbian-dp · 4 years

Text

A Shocking Turn Of Events

Natasha Romanoff x Reader

Words: 1,878

Warnings: A/B/O/, strap on sex, breeding kink, I think that may be it... other than idk what I’m doing with this stuff lol.

Request: Yee.

Summary: Your first rut in ten months goes better than you could have hoped for.

A/N: I’ve changed it up some. Bc I don’t feel comfortable writing a smaller reader and stuff. Hope you don’t mind! Also. I have done research for this... but I’m still rlly new to all of this stuff. So, just keep that in mind.

Ko-Fi

18+ ONLY.

***

Sometimes she didn't understand you. Well... in reality, she didn't understand how you were an Alpha. More so, how you were her Alpha.

With how stead-fast and hard she was.

And how goofy and the ball of light you were.

It's not as if Natasha was the only one who thought that. Anyone who knew of you thought the very same. It was all over the tabloids the day the media found out you were an Alpha.

It was even worse when Steve had accidentally let it slip that Natasha was an Omega. And that you two were newly dating.

Man, he was a blabber-mouth that day.

That was seven months ago and you and Natasha were still going strong. Stronger than ever actually.

Even with the playful discussion you and she were having right now.

"I'm just saying," Natasha spoke with a smile, "You don't seem like the type to be an Alpha."

"Do you know how many Alphas are like me?"

"Well, stereotypically then."

You threw your head back, laughing.

"I mean, come on!" she continued, moving her hands to gesture to herself, "I should have been the Alpha out of us two."

"Well, considering we're going off of stereotypes here. Little you, being an Alpha? I can't see it," you chuckled.

"Oh, shut up."

"Not to mention you're a bottom."

"I said "shut up"!" Natasha yelled, playfully throwing a cushion at you.

You caught the fluffy pillow easily, with one hand, just before it collided against your face. Her outburst causing you to boom out with laughter.

"You may be the top. But you're not dominant like most Alphas are."

"I thought you liked that about me," you said from your spot laying almost haphazardly on your bed, watching as Natasha slowly started to make her way out of the room.

"I love that about you," Natasha turned to say, "But once in a while, I wouldn't mind being fucked within an inch of my life."

Your jaw dropped as she left your room. Leaving you, and the pang in between your legs, to deal with her words, smirk, and swaying hips.

You were sure she was going to be the death of you.

***

It had been almost ten months since your last rut. Those higher dosage pills Dr Cho had given you, really worked the trick. It's not that you didn't want your rut, but you had a job to do. A very important job to do. And you thought it would be best if your rut wasn't there every three months.

And oh, God. It had been a while since your last one. So, when you woke up this morning and felt how that "weird feeling" you had throughout the whole previous day, was suddenly stronger, and more recognizable as to what it truly was.

Your rut was well on its way.

And right now. It was annoying you. To. No. End.

"Why do you have a cushion on your lap?" Bucky asked amused, pulling your attention away from the TV, "It's not like you're gonna hide anything anyway."

"How about you shut the fuck up, Barnes?"

Natasha squeezed and rubbed at your shoulder, from where she sat next to you on the arm of the sofa, hoping that her mannerisms would get you to calm down somewhat.

"Oo-oo-oh. Someones testy." You snapped your head around to glare at Tony. But before you could say any remark to the billionaire, he continued to speak, "But I do agree with Y/N, here. Just because she can't hide anything with that cushion, doesn't mean it's not comforting for her."

"Wow, Tony... I think that may be the most caring sentence I've ever heard you say," Steve said.

"Yeah, thanks, Tony."

"No problem, Y/N/N. Anything I can do to keep the big bad Winter Soldier off your ass."

The proffered man laughed sarcastically, before ripping off his Wakandan made metal arm, without even flinching. And flinging it at Tony, successfully hitting him in the face with it.

"Okay!" Natasha called out, raising her hand, that was not upon your shoulder, to stop the bickering men-children. "Knock it off, boys. You're not helping the situation right now."

"Fight me, Barnes!"

"Come at me, Tin-Man!"

"Right! That's not happening!" Natasha yelled out, jumping up, grabbing your arm, and tugging you with her.

You listened to the semi-playful squabble play out behind you, as your girlfriend dragged you towards the elevator, and undoubtedly to your room.

***

Four hours later, and you were still in the same place as when Natasha had pushed you into your room, laying on your bed, all sprawled out, staring at the ceiling, and groaning lowly. The red-head watching you from the chair by your desk, with a small smile on her face at your childish response to your incoming rut.

"You know you're not the only one going through this stuff, you know?" Natasha points out, " Because of you going through your rut, it's triggered my heat."

"Yeah, but your suppressants are different from mine. You don't have all of your pre-heat bullshit," you whined.

"I'm just licky, I guess." She smirked.

"'I'm just licky, I guess'," you mimicked Natasha's words, making your voice an octave or two higher. Which was counterproductive, considering her voice was husky.

"I do not sound like that!"

"'I do not sound like that'."

That still didn't stop you though, did it?

"You're an asshole."

"'You're an asshole'."

"I will kill you," Natasha grit out.

"'I will-"

Yeah...

That might not be the best thing for you to do.

At least you caught yourself before you finished your sentence. Glancing at Natasha, then instantly directing your eyes away from her.

Before she actually killed you.

Natasha watched you for a few silent moments. Her lips up turning in a small smile when you suddenly groaned again.

"Okay you, big baby." The red-head moved around the bed to lay by your side, on the small amount of space you had left from being sprawled out on the bed. "It will hit soon."

You let out a concealed grumble at her words, closing your eyes just as Natasha began rubbing your shoulder and upper chest.

"Do we have everything we need?"

"Yeah." She nodded, lovingly kissing your cheek. "We have some water and snacks in here. And Thor said that he will leave some more outside the door whenever we need." She pats at your chest. "And the strap is ready-and-roaring to go. All we need is for your rut and my heat to hit."

"Yeah," you said hotly under your breath.

Natasha noticed the light sheen to your skin. That, paired with your heated breath, sounding like you had just finished a heavy workout. And the tingle that ran up her spine, her body starting to rock up against yours, breathing picking up mimicking yours.

"It's not gonna be long now," you continued. Turning your head, eyes locking onto Natasha's lustful ones. Yours, assuredly, the exact same watching the Russian nod lightly, "A few minutes at most."

You closed your eyes inhaling deeply, basking in the feeling of Natasha's soft lips against the side of your neck.

The next time you opened your eyes, they were fully blown with lust. So black that you could barely see the small ring of your eye colour around them.

Your rut had finally hit.

Turning to face Natasha once again, to make sure that she was in the same state as you, and by the way her eyes mirrored yours, you knew she was. You glanced down to her lips, then back up to her eyes. Asking for permission, even if you already knew the answer. You got it anyway. And you sealed the deal to your next few days, with a passionate kiss.

***

Natasha was moaning underneath you. Sounding like a wanton whore with all the cries she was letting out.

And you were only just starting to fuck her with your knotted strap.

"My God, I don't think I've ever seen you this wet before."

You could feel every rock you made, thanks to the toy curving inside of you.

The red-head panted below you, her hips gyrating against yours chasing her fast-approaching release.

"Fuck," you hissed into Natasha's ear, causing a shiver to travel down her spine, "Are you close already? It hasn't even been five minutes yet."

She moaned. "I just can't help it. You feel so good inside of me. I don't think I'll ever be able to get enough of you."

"Well, that's a good thing," you stated in a growl, as you kept pushing Natasha towards her first release, "Because I'm not stopping any time soon."

***

Hours later, dawn was just beginning to break, and Natasha was on the brink of her umpteenth orgasm. You didn't know how many she had already experienced. It could have been five, ten- God damnit, it could have been twenty-five. But that wasn't what mattered right at this moment. What truly mattered was the girl riding you like she would die if she didn't.

“Aww, baby, look at you," you cooed, passing your thumb over her puffy kiss swollen lips, rubbing the tears streaming down her cheeks into the parched, tender skin. "You're crying and still riding me just like I told you to do. I bet you’re tired, aren't you? All worn out from cumming over and over. But you’re still a good girl. You’ll give me one last orgasm, won't you?"

"Yes. Yes, Alpha, I will."

"That's my good girl."

“Oh, Y/N. I’m gonna come!”

“Do it,” you husked, “Do it. Come on my cock.”

Natasha screamed at your words, but you could tell she was close, but just couldn’t slip off the edge. Grabbing her hips, you pushed forward, so that Natasha’s head lay on the end of the bed. You started fucking into her, cocking your hip, to hit a pleasurable spot inside of her.

Natasha grabbed the sides of your jaw, pulling you down to her level. Wrapping her arms around your neck kissing you passionately.

"Fuck. I'm gonna breed you. Gonna fill that tight little pussy up to the hilt with my come, you want that don't you? You little slut?"

Even though that wasn't possible, you sure liked to talk like it was. And, so it seemed, Natasha did too.

"Yes! Please give it to me!"

You were so lucky that your bed had yet to break under the pressure of your thrusts. Even now, as you worked harder into your girlfriend, the bed took the pounding like a champ. And so did Natasha. It was almost like she was made for this.

For you to be able to hold.

To fuck.

To love.

You came a few seconds before she did, as you rode out your high, you brought Natasha to hers. Yet you still had enough mind to push further into her. So that the knot was buried deep within her, giving in to her craving that she had since her heat broke.

The red-head chuckled lightly while you peppered kisses across her neck, chest, and shoulders, a few minutes later.

"What's so funny?"

"You really did fuck me within an inch of my life then."

***

Perminant Tag List:

@imnotasuperhero, @veteranwerewolf95

#original work #original fanfiction #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff imagine #natasha romanoff #marvel #MCU

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shinjaeha · 4 years

Text

itsay ep 4 (thoughts + spoilers)

idk even know how to even start this bc i feel like i’m just a big ball of emotions, and this ep was wild. so much happened. last ep was so wonderful and almost languid with how everything played out (esp since it focussed much more specifically on the shift in teh/oh-aew’s relationship). this ep had a bit more of everything, not just the two of them in their bubble anymore. societal forces at play, and hence much more angst. again, this isn’t a proper analysis, it’s just me ranting and raving as usual as i semi-rewatch this again. this is very long, and there are a lot more things i want to think about in more detail at some point bc i’m mostly just skating over a lot of what happened but i gotta get these thoughts in my head out of me somehow. and i’m not sure if what i’m typing will even make sense bc i MYSELF can barely make sense of what i’m feeling but here i go anyway.

so we start off with the both of them kind of awkward after the night before which is fair enough considering what happened. actually when oh-aew’s habit started playing up again, i thought teh wasn’t going to scratch his back bc he was trying not to ~go there again after the night before, but he did and i was pleasantly surprised like oh...maybe things aren’t that bad?? (YET). also, i can imagine that it would have been reassuring for oh-aew too. like things have changed, but it’s not like teh has completely abandoned him. the touch itself is comforting, like when they were kids.

teh’s mum talking about how she wants both of her sons to bring their girlfriends around (and hounding him about bringing tarn around again) is giving me war flashbacks to my own asian relatives and i can feel the way that must crawl under his skin. I HATE when family members do that (and they always do). but for teh it must be esp hard bc he’s already constantly feeling like he’s vying for his mum’s attention over his brother, and now hoon’s bought back a girlfriend so it’s yet ANOTHER thing he feels like he has to compete with his brother over. in the back of his mind, he knows that he can’t give his mum what she wants if he’s with oh-aew (he can’t ‘win’ over hoon bc heteronormativity). teh is def prone to jealousy fairly easily, but i always feel like his emotions on that base level are also very easy to understand. i’ve been in positions like that before where i’ve felt like i’ve constantly been compared to someone else, and it makes you feel like shit. but also oh-aew having to sit through teh’s mum telling him to let her know if teh and tarn are dating?? ouch.

cue teh trying to avoid what’s going on with them and oh-aew being sad :((( they’re both in so much pain and i feel it and thank god i am no longer a teenager that’s all i can say about this.

the guitar in skyline instrumental is just...making me feel some kind of way. they have so many versions of this song and they always use the right version at the right time how is that.

so the tarn scene!!!!!!!!!!!!!! first thought: holy shit she looks so cute i love her crop top where did she get it i want one. second thought: but why did they make her wear a dark bra under such a light top?? i love that i was thinking this and then it all unravelled in front of me and like...the brilliance. the contrast between the scene in ep 2 (i think?) where teh accidentally peeks at her bra through the buttons of her shirt and gets noticeably flustered, and then this one where she literally wears the same bra under a light shirt ON PURPOSE to get his attention, but he doesn’t even notice?? the way she expects him to colour the hibiscus purple, but he colours it red for oh-aew instead?? it’s so incredibly telling of where his heart is at, and how his feelings have changed. anyway, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that he’s just not all there with her anymore, and tarn isn’t stupid...she’s been picking up on the signals since the beginning (why was he so weirdly obsessed with beating oh-aew at the start? why was he willing to wake up at 4am for oh-aew but not for her? willing to tutor the rest of his friends but not spend time with her?). the way she sees him colouring the hibiscus red and it’s her wake up call, like wtf am i DOING bc of this guy????? i love how she acknowledges that her feelings for teh have made it so she’s solely focussed on him and that she hates the things it makes her do (like wearing the bra to gain his attention). ngl i was slightly worried with how they were going to use her character during these later eps with teh being so conflicted (since girlfriends in BLs are usually handled pretty poorly), but i appreciate that she’s still as fleshed out and full of feeling as she ever was. she’s so sweet, and i just wish she had better than this, but i’m glad she called teh out on it. i know he’s confused af rn, and tbh i don’t think he’s handled this as badly (atm at least) as i thought it could have gone, but at the same time, if he doesn’t decide and set his heart on what he really wants, he’s just going to end up hurting them all. LOVE that she basically tells him to get his shit together first before coming back to her. i like her so much. and that scene of teh just walking around and around at the back feeling conflicted while she drew? really reminds me of the squiggly line timeline(?) of how ep 4 was going to go that nadao released before this ep went live. also cmbyn vibes were real in that one.

the devastation in oh-aew’s voice when he asks teh to at least reply his messages ;;; it’s like teh wants to go back to just being friends and oh-aew has kind of accepted that at this point, but at the same time, teh’s not backing that up. he says he wants to be friends, but he doesn’t know how to act ‘normal’ about it anymore, so he pushes oh-aew away instead. good on oh-aew for not taking that shit and standing up for himself too. i absolutely cannot stand seeing oh-aew sad bc pp’s sad face/voice is so good it actually pains me.

notice how teh ALWAYS uses studies/tutoring as an excuse to get closer to oh-aew again...hmmm...does oh-aew see it for what that is now too? that “you’ve never understood me” hit me like a fucking train. to think that they were so attuned to one another last ep, but now teh’s too caught up in he’s own world to realise just how much he’s hurting oh-aew. thanks, i hate it.

i know that he’s needs to figure himself out more and i absolutely stand by the fact that he needs to do that without messing around with either oh-aew or tarn (and also that he’s using studies again to get into oh-aew’s good books instead of talking through feelings and all that), but the chinese idiom book that he made for oh-aew was actually SO CUTE and romantic. all this stuff he does for oh-aew to show that he clearly cares so much, yet he can never accept it enough to get the words out...

I SWEAR THEY PLAY THE INSTRUMENTAL SKYLINE JUST TO CHOKE ME UP. the darting around each other after the neck kiss COUPLED with the skyline instrumental?? it’s like a sad beach scene 2.0. teh making the first (intimate) move this time. every time he’s trying so hard to convince himself he’s not in love with this boy, and every time he keeps coming back. i always feel such a weird mix of happy and sad when i see them together bc i love them but i know teh in particular, is just not ready yet. like the hug scene made my heart leap, BUT they did it in hiding (under the staircase). all their big intimate scenes are in hiding and that just :(((

teh saying that he loves the seawater on his back bc it holds him up, and oh-aew saying but you have to hold your breath in that posture and it gets uncomfortable so he likes letting it go and just sinking sometimes instead (obv paraphrasing but you get the drift)?? THE WRITING IN THIS. it says so much without telling the audience directly...so poetic. everything about this show is so poetic. the way they sink into the ocean and into that space of oh-aew’s where you can just let yourself go without holding back, and then and only THEN does teh finally kiss oh-aew. and it’s beautiful, after holding back for so long, but it’s also painful bc he’s let go but only within this tiny pocket of space and time. in hiding again. that bird’s eye view shot where you can’t see them at all sealed it for me. like you want to be happy, but you can’t really bc you know that they’ve still got so much more to go...like when teh’s hand grazes oh-aew’s chest and you see oh-aew realise again...like that’s partly what stopped teh the first time in ep 3. when his hands stopped at oh-aew’s chest like it hit in for him that he was a boy. anyway, love that they gave us a skam kiss but i’m also very sad. on another note, how the hell did they hold their breath for that long?????

love that they gave us a further 2 more seconds of teh/oh-aew being cute (CONSTANTLY thinking about teh’s fingers dancing across oh-aew’s face and smushing his face in his hands...oh-aew holding the back of teh’s head...just a brief moment of carefreeness) before they went for the jugular. watching teh fight against himself in this way is what hurts. oh-aew begging him to just let go and accept what they are (the way he keeps going “what did i do wrong?? you feel it too!!”) but he’s so tortured he can’t do it. it’s downright fucking heartbreaking. the “one day i’ll stop feeling this way”...could have just stabbed oh-aew and it would have hurt less. all i know is i’m hurting for the both of them. the repression is real, and it just sucks. this whole thing fucking sucks for both of them (and tarn and bas too at that). idk it just gets me that oh-aew is coming out of this having been rejected once again bc teh isn’t ready yet. and i know this but it doesn’t make me any less upset. not at any of them bc it’s hard i know it’s hard...just at the situation. sometimes it feels like teh’s taking a step forward but then he takes two more back instead. the look on teh’s face when oh-aew was like let’s stop being friends...total devastation. i’m done. don’t want to think about it anymore.

i’m glad that oh-aew’s parents are so supportive of him though. i wasn’t sure how close they were based on their previous interaction but they really love him and i’m glad he has that stability to help him through this.

THE SCENE WITH OH-AEW AND THE BRA FUCKING BLEW ME AWAY. this show is always keeping me guessing, and again yet another thing that i wasn’t expecting but it was so visceral. the red of the bra in comparison to tarn’s bra with the purple hibiscus flowers on it...everything connects. oh-aew looking into the mirror with that bra on and thinking about how things would have been different if only :((( and then his breakdown when he realises that it’s not and that’s the reality of the situation. the feeling that gave me sits so deep within my chest i can’t even begin to carve it out.

teh masturbating when he sees that picture of oh-aew and to that picture of yongjian on his wall (idk why it only now just occurred to me that yongjian is always in red too)?? the self-hatred in this scene. the internalised homophobia. my heart feels so heavy.

he KEEPS reaching and it’s going nowhere bc it won’t ever be enough, and that’s not fair on himself and it’s not fair on tarn. like i understand what he’s going through, and i get that he’s extremely confused and needs the clarification, but when he asks tarn to tell her she loves him and he can’t do the same back for her...i just feel so, so, so fucking bad for tarn.

oh-aew hoping that the worksheets left for him were from teh (which would be very on brand of him), but then seeing bas :( maybe in another world, in another life (like teh and tarn)...but he’s such a sweetheart. bas, best boy ;;;

legit as soon as the gang came to see teh off to bangkok and talk to him about how oh-aew was doing terribly (and wasn’t planning on going to the admission exams) i knew where this was going to go. there’s been so much foreshadowing leading up to this, and this was also one of (if not my main theory) with how things were going to eventually play out. but tbh for some reason i thought it was going to play out later in ep 5...but like damn. damn. the way i understand but at the same time i kept going OH TEH :( throughout this. the utter STRESS this bit put me through. THE MISCOMMUNICATION.

anyway, teh’s love language is clearly acts of service. but it can really be to his detriment when he does things impulsively (albeit with care and good intentions), but he doesn’t use his words so things get lost in translation. sometimes actions just aren’t enough and you really do need words to communicate.

the confirmation scene was so tense...even now i’m just sitting here thinking about it and there’s a hole in my stomach at the thought of what teh must be going through and what he ends up doing. like when that last person on the list shows up and you KNOW it’s going to happen but at the same time it’s like a punch to the chest bc there’s just no doubt that teh’s going to turn it down for oh-aew...OF COURSE he would. oh-aew’s split moment of happiness before realising what teh’s done...the absolute dread i still have in me at the realisation of this.

the tension really kept increasing from here on in...teh coming home and his mum just being so fucking proud of him and telling everyone in the restaurant about how happy she is for him (all while teh is absolutely depleted), then tarn coming in and everything bubbling over when she realises what teh’s done too. realises that teh’s in love with oh-aew (smile is so great in this btw like WOW). the “you hurt me and i’m alright with that, teh, but right now you’re hurting yourself” broke my heart. absolutely love tarn as a character and only ever want the best for her.

when he tells his mum :((((((((((( and his mum just goes on about how hard he’s worked and how much he’s already sacrificed only for him to throw that away. he wanted her to be proud of him SO BAD, wanted to not be compared to his brother for once, only for him to give away his place bc he loves oh-aew more than he wants his mother’s praise. more than he wants to compete and ‘win’ against his brother. when she points to hoon and goes “why can’t you be more like him?” and he just loses it. like rubbing salt in the wound. i’m so glad hoon finally hugged him the way i’ve been wanting to this whole time. the banner congratulating him that teh’s mum made with all his materials from before :((( hoon giving him money for uni :((( you ever watch some things and feel like you’ll never be happy again...

okay the way that everything spiralled during the ig story fight?????? what gets me is that teh sacrificed his place thinking that oh-aew wasn’t going to sit the exam at all (he could have just talked to him and convinced him instead but ughhh i understand i get it). oh-aew thinks he did it bc teh didn’t believe he could get in himself (which of course then spurs him to give it up so he can get in through the exam instead). and when teh sees that, it’s like a smack in the face, like he went through all that only for oh-aew to reject it (him). it’s just layers upon layers of miscommunication and the anxiety of it all absolutely guts me. and then the anger mixing into devastation when he opens his book and sees how it’s all cut up. the remnants a reminder of everything he’s done for oh-aew. this boy that he adores but can’t accept he has feelings for. it’s just this mix of anger and sorrow and what have i fucking done?????? and how could he????? the cast were all fantastic but billkin really had to go above and beyond in this one and i could absolutely feel his pain throughout this.

TO PIGGY BACK ON THIS, like i said before, teh has always used studying/tutoring as a tool to get closer to oh-aew, but seeing that book with all the words gone was in part also him realising he doesn’t have that anymore. he can’t use that tool to get close to oh-aew anymore. the only way forward would be to actually get close to oh-aew without the pretences. and the saddest part of this all is that oh-aew doesn’t even NEED all of that (the tutoring, the book of idioms, the relinquishing of his uni spot)...the only thing he wants is for teh to ADMIT his feelings out loud. to admit that he feels the same way about oh-aew that oh-aew feels about him.

it’s funny bc in the last ep, the conversation that had me feeling the most nervous was when they’re talking at the cape, and oh-aew’s telling teh that he’s a rival and inspiration to him. i always KNEW this was going to come back to haunt them. like a constant circle. friends to rivals to friends to more than friends(?) to rivals. it’s a fine line. narratively, it always had to happen, and now they’re back to competing against one another yet again, and it’s going to be so tough bc they’ll have so much more competition on top of that as well.

next ep is going to be very, very hard on teh, but somehow after this ep, i just feel a lot more hopeful about it? i’m pretty convinced at this point that it won’t end in tragedy (which was the thing that i wanted least of all). of course i want both teh and oh-aew to end up together, but i can understand if they don’t. if this ends with them rekindling their friendship again, that’ll be enough for me. their relationship has been so turbulent and passionate that it needs some stability, and hopefully when teh’s in a better state of mind, when he’s at a place when he’s finally accepted all parts of himself, they’ll get there. so if that means it ends on them running to the cape together (even if they’re not technically together) fulfilling their promise to one another in the sunset, then that’s fine with me. i don’t mind an open ending if it makes sense in the context of the story, and i think something like that would. it’s like after such an angsty episode, you need a slight reprieve from it. i have no doubt in my mind that ep 5 will contain darkness, but i do think that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. so for once i feel truly hopeful about it.

i can’t believe we only have one more ep left to go...

#i told sunset about you #itsay #like there's more angst to come but the real climax of it was in this ep that's how i feel anyway #idk if both of them will get in. i HOPE both of them do.#but i just think that when things get angsty at this point of the story there's always a chance for it to turn around #you just need to worry when things are too happy UNTIL you get to the last ep #tbh though i would like a kiss between them out in the open when teh's finally stopped repressing himself #just so he can show the character growth of his whole arc. so he can be free.#i would obv very much like for them to end up together but there's only one ep left so idk if they can get to that point when there's still #so much that teh has to learn to come to terms with #and he's going to be so so stressed with the exam too (i saw the previews and am bracing myself for more heartbreak as he cries)#i did not mean for this to be as long as it was but i was sporadically writing it as i worked and kept thinking of things to add #and it somehow became an essay #i wrote more in this than i've ever written in any of my uni essays GOD #if you read this whole thing you need some kind of medal or something idk man #also random note but teh's mum's kebaya looks like one that my mum owns #text

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nineteenninety-six · 4 years

Text

Crooner

REQUEST: Hi! I love your writing and I have a little request since I’m in quarantine and so down and bored. I don’t know if you’ll be able to do it but here it goes! Pairing Tommy Shelby x reader, they were together for a while but they split bc Tommy is focused in work and the f!reader (or OC) is tired of Tommy’s cheating so she goes to London and stays with Ada and there she meets a crooner (Alex Turner it’s in my head haha) and Tommy is searching for him bc is an important communist and + + and when Tommy finds him the reader is flirting with him so Tommy goes to Ada’s to tell her about the crooner. The reader comes back to Ada’s and starts telling her about the crooner how handsome and awesome he is etc even though Ada tries to stop her and Tommy hears until he is so pissed off that he comes where they are and idk how it ends between Tommy and reader actually haha bad prompt I know but maybe you could use the idea. Thanks, I’ll keep reading and I hope you’re okay! 💖

I know this is bad but I really struggled with it and I’m p sure, it’s been in my inbox for like 2 months and it needed it to be done and I’m not going to do a 2nd part, it was hard enough to do this one.

I’ve been watching NCIS on Netflix recently and I never realised how funny it was lmao

“You’re not serious.” Tommy gaped

“I am.”

Tommy stared at the woman in front of him in shock. After several years together, (Y/N) had decided to end the relationship, she had reached her limit of lonely night after lonely night along with Tommy’s lack of presence, in general, made her realise that their relationship was very one-sided with her being the only one who made an effort, not to mention her suspicions of him cheating.

“Why?”

“Why?” (Y/N) scoffed, “You’re not that clueless, are you?”

“(Y/N)--”

“Tommy, you are practically married to your work!”

“Without my work, we wouldn’t be where we are!”

“That’s not what I’m saying, Tommy!” (Y/N) bit back

“Then, what are you saying?!”

“There’s a difference between being invested in your work and being so involved that you start to push the people around you away!”

Like every conversation they’ve had over the past month, it descended into a shouting match. It was another reason which prompted (Y/N) to leave, the fact that they couldn’t even have a conversation that didn’t end with one of them storming out in anger was a problem.

“Where are you going?” Tommy asked with a resigned sigh.

“London. I’m going to stay with Ada.”

“Alright.” Tommy nodded at her before turning around and leaving the room.

(Y/N) rolled her eyes at his overdramatic behaviour before picking up her bags and leaving the house. She wanted to leave Small Heath as soon as possible.

-----------------------------------------

(Y/N) had settled into London nicely, Ada had gotten her a job at the library and she hadn’t seen nor heard of Tommy since she had left Birmingham. She knew that Ada kept in contact him with him but the other woman had thankfully never brought his name up.

Ada decided to take her to a small club one evening, for a girls night out. The club was full but not packed and on that particular evening, there was a band performing who’s singer sparked something in her. As soon as he began singing, she was starstruck, her eyes never left him and her mouth was slightly agape, it didn’t help that he had noticed her gaze and threw her smirks, winks as he was performing. The man was handsome, with his dark hair and dark coloured eyes, he had a certain allure to him.

Ada watched in amusement as her friend watched the band with rapt attention until they finished their set and it was only then was she able to snap out of her daze.

“Wow…”

Ada giggled, “You see something you like?”

“Ada!” (Y/N) shrieked, “It’s not like that.”

Ada continued to laugh, not believing her words before she abruptly stopped, her eyes going wide once she spotted something behind (Y/N), who didn’t notice Ada’s sudden silence.

“Hi…” The person behind (Y/N) whispered, causing the woman to gasp and turn around in shock.

“Hi…” (Y/N) whispered back, eyes wide.

“I’m Alex.” He grinned and stuck out his hand for her to shake, “I saw you from the stage. Did you like the songs?”

“(Y/N).” She shook his hand, “Yeah, I thought they were great.”

Alex smiled at her causing a rush of heat to flood to her cheeks. He was as charming as he was handsome.

“Would you like to go out together sometime?”

“I-I uh...sure! Absolutely.” (Y/N) stuttered.

“Heard of ‘The Ivy’?”

(Y/N) nodded.

“How does Wednesday at five sound?” Alex asked.

“Sounds great.” (Y/N) smiled at Alex.

“Great.” With one last smile and wink, Alex left the women.

Once she was sure he was out of hearing distance, (Y/N) squealed with Ada, unable to believe what just happened.

“Holy shit..” (Y/N) breathed.

“You’re telling me.” Ada sighs

Wednesday came quicker than (Y/N) expected and before she knew it, she was stood in front of a mirror, looking over of her outfit one last time before she had to leave and after a thumbs up and a wish of good luck for Ada, she was off to The Ivy.

The more time (Y/N) spent with Alex, the more she fell for him. He was gorgeous, charming, and a gentleman, she was falling hard and she couldn’t find it in herself to care. Alex was also safe, he wasn’t involved in any gangs or bad business as far as she knew, and it was the complete opposite of Tommy.

While (Y/N) was on her date, Tommy had travelled down to London to meet with Ada, he knew she still had communist ties even though Freddie had died and he needed her help with tracking down someone in particular.

“I need contact with your communist friends Ada.” Tommy pushed past his sister and walked into his house.

“They’re not my friends, Tommy.” Ada rolled her eyes.

“Right, you call them comrades don’t you?” Tommy sarcastically said.

“Tommy.” Ada wasn’t in the mood to deal with Tommy and his attitude.

Tommy pulled a photo out of his pocket and showed to Ada, “His name is Alex Turner and I need him.”

Ada blinked in shock at the photo that laid before her, it was the man from Saturday, the one who (Y/N) was currently on a date with and she was most definitely not going to tell Tommy anything about him.

“I’ve never seen him or heard of him,” Ada said nonchalantly.

Tommy huffs, “That’s why I want you to contact your friends Ada.”

“If it’s so important Tommy, then you can contact them yourself.”

Then opened his mouth to bite back but was interrupted but the front door opening and you voice ringing loudly through the house.

“Ada! Ada! Oh my god, Alex is so perfect and we’re going on a second date on Saturday.” (Y/N) gushed as she walked through the house, trying to find her friend.

Ada quickly motioned her brother into the kitchen before she rushed out to meet her friend.

“(Y/N)!” Ada met her friend in the hallway just before the kitchen and quickly turned her around and dragged her to the living room, “A second date already? You must seriously like him.”

“I do. He’s such a breath of fresh air.” (Y/N) confessed, “It’s so peaceful compared to Tommy.”

Tommy had overheard everything in the Kitchen and he lost his patience at what heard and stormed into the living room, surprising the women who sat there,

“One month and you’ve already moved on?” Tommy scoffed as he stopped in front of them.

“Tommy? What are you doing here?” (Y/N) stood up, confused

“Can’t I visit my sister?” Tommy sarcastically ask

“You know that not what I meant!” (Y/N) huffed, already frustrated with him.

“Who are you going out with?” Tommy changed the conversation back to the original topic.

“It’s none of your business. God, it’s times like these that I’m really grateful that I’m no longer with you. You’re a controlling freak!” With one last glare, (Y/N) stormed out of the room.

Tommy turned to his sister and raised his eyebrows but she merely shrugged, not wanting to get involved but she did believe, (Y/N) had a point, Tommy had a tendency to be ‘too much’.

Tommy huffed at his sister’s lack of reaction and left the house in a strop, too angry to remember the original reason why he came to Ada’s in the first place.

#tommy shelby imagines #tommy shelby x reader #peaky blinders imagines #peaky blinders x reader #peaky blinders imagine #peaky blinder fanfic #peaky blinder imagine #imagines #x reader #fanfic #thomas shelby imagine

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reblogcentre-2 · 3 years

Text

tw for: sh & trans stuff & blood & auto-surgery

So you asked about my experience with auto-surgery. I actually wrote a vent fanfiction so I copy-pasted it & added more notes & stuff. The notes I added after are in ((here)) & the rest of it is my vent fanfic. The fanfic is p much accurate to the experience & any inaccuracies are pointed out ((in the)) notes.

I've dreamt about this before, but I never thought I would actually do it. It's completely an impulse decision. Well maybe not completely. I have the sense to find supplies first. Like a pack of razor blades. ...And scissors, toilet paper, rubbing alcohol, ice packs, a needle and thread, and a glass of water to keep me hydrated. I may be making a stupid decision, but I'll at least do it right.

I sit on the floor of my room, and take off my shirt. While holding an ice pack under my… on my chest ((don’t wanna say boobs)), I tie some fabric around my waist so there’s no bloody mess I have to clean. ((didn't work.)) Damn this ice pack is so cold, it almost hurts. Though, that's a good thing. It means my nerves will be numb.

Right.

I look around at my setup in confusion, I've lost my train of thought, ((adhd)) what am I doing what next- Ah, razor.

A thin piece of metal, flexible, yet strong. It doesn't glint in the artificial light. It's a matte metallic grey. I pick up my little prize, and having sanitized ((sadly not sterilized tho)) it in the alcohol and let it dry, letting down the ice pack. I bring it to the underside of my chest- but I can't see it. Disappointment. I put it down.

I need to get my fat ugly breast out of the way. Then it occurs to me- tape! ((I shoplifted this tape)) I use the tape to pull my chest up and back so I can see underneath it, or as much as I can, considering the size of it.

Now, I take up my razor. I remember reading about this one lady who gave herself a cesarean section with three long slices of a kitchen knife. She was a Mexican butcher. ((k so she had to go to the hospital after to get her intestines re-arranged I think. Also, this is what I would ask you to do, If I’m numb I won’t feel it so you can just boom three long swipes with a nice sharp chef’s knife & boom my boob is gone.))

Taking a deep breath, bracing myself for what's to come, I put the razor to my skin and pull. But I don't pull. I lift. I was too afraid, too cowardly to actually try. ((this is why I want someone else to do it)) Thankful to have lost some sensation from binding, I replace the ice pack and breathe again. Ok. I've got this. This is good. This is ok.

I lift the ice pack again, and this time I test my skin slightly. I… can't feel it. At least, not much. So, with the tape pulling back the offending tissue, I use my right hand to swipe across my left chest. It's barely a scratch. I try it again, this time closing my eyes before opening and doing the cut. It's much faster this time, and slightly deeper. How did she do it in three slices with her kitchen knife?

The blood is warm, and it drips down my chest. I unravel some tissue to dab at the blood. Then I make another cut, following inside the first, deepening it.

Yes.

I can't easily reach all the way across the bottom, so I'll have to settle for my scar being slightly on the inside. ((I can legit send a pic of the scar if you’re comfy with that)) I wipe the blood, then replace the ice pack. I need some more freezing. In a moment, I get back to it with the razor.

I can sometimes feel the pain, but I try to ignore it, or freeze it away. I keep slicing, wiping, and icing my chest. ((ok so only the skin felt painful & if you’re good, you can get thru the skin rly fast with the knife)) All the way until I see something unusual.

That's not skin.

That's… something.

Subdermal fat maybe? ((I had seen this already, but this was written as a vent fanfiction)) I keep going with the razor, another slash or two. Then I take hold of my scissors. ((oh the scissors were shit)) I can pinch my loose-from-binding skin to make a slight fold where I can use the scissors. So I do.

I use the scissors to open up the hole wider, ((idk if I actually did a lot of this or only a little bc scissors were painful af)) and I can see the fat in it. It's lumpy and greasy.

I'm disgusting.

It's a yellowish ((in culinary, the paler the fat the healthier the deer/animal. I think it might have just been discoloured from the blood. Btw there was no blood in the fat bc fat doesn’t have caapillaries)) white, made up of little bubbles, or maybe they just look that way because of the mutilation I'm committing. It's covered in red blood, so it looks more of an orange pink.

My gash is about 10cm long, maybe less. Probably less. ((I can measure if u want)) I use the scissors on the fat under the skin, and surprisingly, I can't feel it. I wipe up the blood, ready to strike again, but when I pick up the scissors I've bled again. I wipe again, pick up the scissors again, and prepare to slice again, again; but like last time there is too much blood. ((ugh I remember this, it was so annoying & my rag was already blood soaked))

I try to wipe it up enough to continue with my surgery, but I keep bleeding. and my ice packs are getting warm. ((I had to ask my brother to get me another ice pack but he brought me one that was only partially frozen))

So…

Shower.

I can do this in the shower.

I'm covered in blood, but the water would wash it away, keep it clean, moist, prevent it from clotting, and the cold water could provide numbing. Yes. I'm a genius. Shifting my pins-and-needles legs, I gather all the supplies I can carry, and peek my head around the corner. Nobody is coming.

Perfect.

I dash through the hallway, and my supplies are dumped on the washroom counter.

What do I do now? I… turn on the tap.

The cold water is uncomfortable, but I lean my body down, supporting my weight on either end of the tub, so that the water only runs along my chest. I tense as it cools the flesh. Then I step out of the shower, thankful that only my chest is wet, and try to keep on, but it’s so bloody. ((I remember thinking it literally looked like a murder scene. I was a Sherlock fan t the time))

It would make perfect sense to just bring my tools into the shower with me. I bring in two of my sharpest razors and my scissors, as well as one ice pack. ((I didn’t want the water to warm up the ice)) I run the cold shower over my laceration again, numbing it more, and once I’m done with that, I take my scissors and I put them inside.

Repeat repeat repeat. ((ok I think here is where I try to separate my skin from my breast tissue? I got such bad bruises bc I didn’t manage to take it all out))

Soon, I’m done separating the skin and extending the opening up a little higher. I keep rinsing the blood, the water runs down my entire body at this point, but I’m used to the cold.

I use my scissors to cut in deeper, I can’t feel it in the mammary fat at all. The scissors are opened and closed in rhythm, without being taken out of me between snips, and I reveal something that looks less like skin, and less like the bubbly pale fat. It might be a mammary gland- I’m not sure. It’s a different texture though, and-

Ouch! I can feel that! Damned fuck! I mean heck! ((I think I legit tried to not swear. I hurt a lot to cut that part. If it’s just done in one swipe tho it wouldn’t be as bad))

I water my wound again. I can’t have my body in pain. Just a few more seconds of cold water, and I can get back to it. Or maybe I should use my ice pack too… The ice pack helps freeze whatever that thing is, so I can cut through it with my scissors.

I’ve made a thick cut now, but I’ve seen surgeries before, I’ve watched so many videos of top surgeries, even some full surgery videos. I know what to do.

So I take my razor from the soap-bench in the wall and run it between the skin and my tissue until I get enough space for my scissors. ((oh! no- here’s the part where I separate the skin & get bruising)) My scissors go right between them, opening and closing as I move them around under my skin. I can see my skin stretch around them, like seeing someone’s legs under a blanket.

Now that I have it separated, I could maybe cut out an entire chunk. I rinse my scissors under the shower, and put them down on the floor of the tub, then I look down.

I’m covered in blood.

I open the shower door and look in the mirror across from me. It looks like a murder scene. There, my skin held apart by tape, a gaping slash under my- my breast, blood drips coming down from it, blood spread all over my torso from the water, blood in the hole in my body, ((yes a hole in my body, kinda wish I took a pic)) blood bright red from being mixed with the water, blood clotting on my belly. I made jokes about some things looking like murder scenes before, like when working with food colouring.

Oh how I was wrong.

This is what a murder scene looks like. I’m so bloody. Part of me wants to take a picture, ((lol I was just thinking this!)) but oh hell (I mean heck) that would be messed up. As though I’m not already messed up!

Well I can’t stare, I have work to do. Work. I close the shower door, and bend down to pick up my ice pack, but I need to be careful, I don’t want to disturb my broken chest.

Numbing my chest again, I continue with this routine, pulling out chunks of my own body and flushing them down my shower drain like the serial killer I read about a little while ago. ((I don’t remember much about the chunks. It might have been less chunks than I’m making it sound. I have memory problems so : / ))

At some point I look in the mirror again, and I’m almost disgusted at what I’ve done.

My family probably needs to use the washroom, I’ve probably been showering for an hour now, they might get suspicious.

The smell is metallic & meaty, almost fishy even.

Thankfully, when I look down at my chest, it seems like I might be slightly smaller than before. ((not rly. It partially looked that way bc of the tape)) It definitely looks smaller than the one on my right. I haven’t been using my ice pack much lately. The blue liquid in the plastic pack has lost most of its cold.

I rinse off my less sharp scissors and razor, and spray all of the leftover bubbles of fat and drops of blood down the drain, trying to get the bloody footprints and handprints ((I forgot I made hand/foot prints!! If I had forgotten them mum could have walked in to pee & seen bloody handprints lol)) from the edges of the tub where I supported myself before getting used to the completely cold shower. I rinse off my torso, too now. Blood is strewn all over it, and some has dripped down to my legs, which has now dried. As soon as I rinse it off, I bleed some more. Ah. Well.

Onto the burgundy red floor towel I step, and I try my best to dry off my bloody chest and abdomen, but of the two rags I have, one of them is wet from taking it into the shower, and the other is already soaked with blood. Neither can help. I do my best nonetheless, and decide I should move on to stitches.

I know how to sew, and I’ve gotten stitches before, I should be able to do them. ((irl I had only gotten stitches once & I already gave myself stitches once))

But I can’t find my needle, ((yeah I just couldn’t find my needle when I moved from my room to the washroom)) and the water hasn’t numbed my skin enough. Inside my body, in the fat, I can’t feel it, but, seemingly, I would still be able to feel it if I were to perform my own stitches.

Alrighty then, I can just tape myself together until I dry. But the tape won’t stick. ((ugh this was so annoying! I literally used all of my skin tape)) Neither will the bandaids. I have no sewing needle. I don’t know what to do, crap! I don’t know how to fix this! The tape won’t stick! Screw this fucking hell! I mean hecking heck!

Eventually, I go to my room. I put on my faux binder. It’s an old bra with a piece of fabric of my measurements sewed on the inside to compress my chest, the bra is just for the straps. Over that loose and torn excuse for a binder, I put on bra after bra, binding my semi-detached chest down so that I might be able to sleep without causing more damage.

I have a.. A thing tomorrow. ((practice for my baking competition)) I can go to the hospital a few blocks away from my school ((20 minute walk)) and get stitches there. Maybe they’ll even say I need to get top surgery an’ the gover’ment will pay for it. Yeah that’d be nice. I can jus’ wai’ ‘ntil tomorrow... and tomorrow I can take more ibe- ibu- ibupropen- ibuprofen... ((I wrote like this for the dramatic effect in the vent fic)) I can't take any more t’day. I’ll just go to sleep now n’ then I’ll wake up for school and when mom... asks me whaveter she asks I'll just tell her I have carpentry, and I'll tell the instructor that I’m not working today. ((irl I went to culinary, then told my teacher “actually I’m going to pick up my supplies to practice with & skidaddle”)) He’ll unsterdand, it’s not like I have school, it's the teacher’s comvemtion, I’m not obligated to stay, I can lust jeave. Mum will be none the wiser. Yah. Sleepy time. Hospital tomorrow.

((so yeah. I go to sleep & ppl always say they can’t sleep on their sides so I tried that but I couldn’t handle it so I slept on my side while hugging a pillow to make sure nothing fell. I’m shaking too. Tbh I was just thinking “I’ve been in the bathroom for an hour or more, why has nobody knocked asking to brush their teeth?” I wake up the next day & put on a button-up shirt bc ppl say they can’t lift their arms, I practice walking on google maps to the hospital, then mom drives me to school. I had my learner’s license but I didn’t want to drive bc of my injury. I go in, I tell Chef I’m leaving, he’s cool abt it. So now I’m loaded up with a huge backpack, it’s february in canada & I forgot a jacket (bc I was driving in a warm car to a warm school & busy planning other things), I also brought my fiddle bc I waited for 4 hours last time & was bored, & I have a huge toolbox & a tub of fondant. I walk 20 minutes to the hospital, get in, & I need to change from my mask to the hospital mask. I go through talking to ppl & stuff. Eventually I’m called up for triage & I tell the guy what’s up (& take my meds bc I forgot that morning & she thought I was doing drugs) & sheasks me for my healthcard number & stuff. I think she was able to put my preferred name in the notes. I’m unbuttoning my shirt & she says “actually come in here” so I go into the nurses’ station & she peels up my bras a bit (apparently I’ve bled) & she’s like “wtf bro” & I’m like “what?” & she’s really concerned that I wanted like 12 hours to come. It was like 9-10pm that I was doing it & it was probably 10am at the time I saw her idk. So she gets me into a private room immediately I think (idk I might be mixing this up with the hospital trip where I had to wait for ages. Idk whether I had to wait here too.) Oh I forgot, I also plucked my violin while waiting for triage or to get called to a private room, but I wasn’t allowed. So eventually (really soon by hospital standards) I get taken to a private room. They get me to change into a gown (all of my bras off too) & now my breast isn’t secured. So while I’m waiting I play my fiddle & look up chords on my phone. Everyone likes it. The nurses & doctors & porters are like “where’s that music coming from?” & “It’s like we’re at the beach” bc chords on violin sound like chords on ukelele despite the fact that I was singing mostly mother mother. Ppl come in a lot tbh. I think the doctor comes in but he says “my shift is over soon & you will take a long time, bYe!” also I’ve been asked so many times if this was a suicide attempt & I’m like “nah bro if I wanted to be dead I would be, I’m not actually suicidal anymore.” Eventually a porter comes to move me from my nice private room to some curtained one. I’m plucking my violin quieter but some fuckin security guard says it’s loud & might be disturbingother patients so I play a really quiet eidelwisse & then I think I might stop. The guard called me miss too & it sucked. Eventually the doctor on shift comes & asks me about things & why & he’s also got his hands on my boob. (when I saw the first doctor he asked if I needed a female doctor & I was like “nah dude ur a doctor & I’m a trans.) So he’s going to sew me up & at some point he asks “tdo you want me to take the rest off?” I’m super confused until I realize he’s making a joke: “do you want me to finish the job & take the rest of your boob off?” so I laugh & say “I wish” & he says “I’d do a horrible job” & I’m like “BRo I AlreAdy did a hOrrible job!” so that was funny. He also asked me about trans stuff bc he didn’t understand a lot (he was respectful even tho he didn’t understand) & he even suggested I claim back pain to get a reduction. I have back pain (mostly from binding). Anyways he drops the needle with novacaine or whatever the hell& needsto get a new one & nobody can touch it bc it’s sharp. A few times it hurts but it’s fine I just close my eyes. He asks “do you need more anesthetic?” & I’m like “bro I did this with only a fucking ice pack” but w/o the swears. I ask him if I can bind after & he’slike “idk” so that was fun. I have a dip in my scar now. Then a nurse comes in & puts a fuck ton of bandages & gause on me but it’s stupid bc I was lying doen & as soon as I stood up (& worse when I put on a bra) it changed everything. So they give me a bag for all my bras & I walk back to school. Now it’s like 15.00 or 3 o’clock so I get back to school… & my phone is at 1%. I text my mom “hey I’m done at school” on google hangouts but my phone dies before I know whether or not the message sent. Chef is already gone, so I can’t get into the school. I can’t call mom. I walk around for a bit, assuming she’ll pick me up when she thinks it’s time. Nope. I’m outside in the cold. I start knocking on doors asking for a phone but it’s fricking covid season! I walk to a nearby coffeeshop & borrow the phone of a nice couple. Mom got sus of that. I warm up in the nice coffeeshop, mom takes me home, but she knows I skipped practice. I think she even called my chef. So yeah that was stupid. I told her “haha I went to get drugs” but she didn’t believe me & also what kind of a lie is that? She knew I cut myself, I guess I just didn’t want to worry her or have her demand to see or cry & ask me why I felt the need to change my body. I’m pissed off that she caught me (she caught me last time I gto stitches too). I can’t jump anymore *& I’m wearing my size-up binder. The doctor told me to scrub my stitches in nthe shower, the nurse told me to wrap in in plastic wrap. I’m wearing button shirts for ages after this, I’m avoiding lifting my arms, everything sucks. Whenever I think of it, I could smell it. I smelled the blood. Every time I smelled a glass that was washed in a dishwasher, I smelled my injury. Every time I remembered it, I could smell it. I don’t get that anymore but I was literally in mild shock & I think I may have traumatized myself. There’s more to say but I forget it all & idc so good night))

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planetjisungie · 4 years

Text

lucky charms- h.rj

characters; ravenclaw! renjun x hufflepuff! reader ft. gryffindor! mark and gryffindor! jeno (sigh)

summary; with the exams coming up, you need a little help with your charms. well you dont, you just needed an excuse to talk to your long time crush, huang renjun

an; i literally changed this on the spot 🤡 plot holes here i come- (also id like to think jeno is more of a hufflepuff but idk man)

sigh okay this is a long boi

end of year exams were in just a few weeks

yay, your absolute favourite !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sarcasm

now, charms

in room 99, classroom 2E in the south tower

i did my research

you were pretty good at charms, not nearly as good as you were in the care of magical creatures and herbology though

still above averagely good

you know who else was good at charms?

huang renjun

the star ravenclaw prince boy, the pride of the house and a very beautiful boy

best boi renjun

if jeno was being quite honest he was SICK AND TIRED of hearing you two pine over eachother

jeno met you in first year, and you quickly became best friends and even ended up in the same house as eachother

despite having different friend groups (your friend group consisted of you and eunji), you stayed best friends until now aka 5th year

just go with it okay

so as he was saying before i digressed, jeno physically is pained as he watched the longing glances both you and renjun throw when the other isnt looking

but it isnt his business to meddle with your lack of relationship problems

best boi part 2

BUT! but! he will give you both a tiny! eensy! little! minuscule! nudge

that nudge being forming a plan with you

you were slightly reluctant when jenos very enthusiastic face greeted you at the table saying he had ‘a totally brilliant, spectacular, show stopping, wonderful, flawless plan’

this was jeno we were talking about

the same boy who planned the failed midnight snack run a few weeks before

and as soon as he mentioned renjun your eyes narrowed

"proceed."

the plan was for jeno to ask renjun to tutor his friend who was falling behind in charms

said friend was you

and you were ahead of the class

bUT!! you agreed because he wasnt in your class, so there was no way he could know that right?

wrong.

who was in your class?

mark lee. one of renjuns best friends.

also the boyfriend of eunji and the reason you wanted to gauge your eyeballs out everytime you turned around to talk to them

thats right eunji ditched you to sit next to her little markie. bitch.

nonetheless, you agreed because your dumb, spontaneous ass forgot that renjun even knew mark, because if someone said ‘whos mark?’ you would go ‘eunjis boyfriend’

so of course, when all the students were making their way to their class, jeno caught up with renjun seeing as they both had muggle studdies

"hey man, i have a favour to ask"

stage one of operation: stop the oblivious fuckers from pining over eachother (that name may need some revamping) was a-go

"depends what said favour is"

smart boi™️

"is it possible to tutor one of my friends in charms for the upcoming OWLs?"

oh? this piqued china pretty boys interest

"i mean, sure, i could do with some revision too. tell them to meet me at the library after school"

and so jeno walked away with a smug smirk, victorious

and when jeno told you he had agreed later in potions, you were yet you werent surprised

so of you trotted after last period, kinda nervous because youre about to be in the literal breathing proximity of renjun

like obviously youve talked to him before but this time it was just you and him

alone

no get those thoughts out of your head

n e ways u perv

renjun sat at the back table, textbooks and notebooks with his neat writing in both chinese and korean all over the pages

smart boi part 2

so seeing him not looking at you

attention whore

wow why am i so mean today

you sat down and cleared your throat, placing your blank notebooks on the table so the boy wouldnt get suspicious

you had to pray to whatever gods were listening for your cheeks not to flare up the colour of the strawberries you had for breakfast

healthy girl™️

and the gods apparently answered your prayers

because as soon as renjun looked up and into your eyes you swore you were too distracted for your blood cells to even think about moving towards your face

and renjun nearly had a heart attack (by aoa)

poor boy

jeno had NOT told him that he would be tutoring you

he was going to be choked later

"sorry im late"

renjun was nearly offended that you would even apologise to him for being late by

2 minutes and 48 seconds

"no no its okay i havent been here long"

that was a lie he had study period last and has been sat in the same goddamn chair for an hour already but your presence made his ass cheeks ache less

so he started teaching you, but ???

you seemed to fully grasp the concepts

confused boi

excuse me ma’am/sir/señor/señorita whatever you prefer to go by-

you need to brush up on your acting skills dude

appalling smh your drama teacher back from your muggle school would be completely distraught

so for the next hour renjun ‘tutored’ you

things you already knew but this was a dream-

and actually he was a funny guy

he was also muggle born, so you could both relate over things you experienced as a kid

this lead to a raging debate over dora the explorer

that bitch was shaded in said debate, fully annihilated

hola soy dora your asshole

but,, it was fun. because jeno was pureblood and grew up knowing about all his magicky stuff so he was kinda boring sometimes

no tea no shade

but you ended the session with smiles on both your faces, cheeks literally aching with how hard youd been laughing and smiling

so lads

the next day at breakfast renjun was all happy, plonking himself next to mark at the gryffindor table because

man does not give a SHIT about the looks he was getting. he is huang renjun.

"why are you so smiley this morning? and why didn’t you come to my common room last night"

the gryffindor common room was the dreamie hang out

no one dared tell THE mark lee to go somewhere else with his friends

"sorry, last night i was tutoring y/n in charms" smiley boy still

mark seagull eyebrows: activated

excuse him?? charms?? you?? the one who got an outstanding in your report card??

something smells fishy here

"renjun... y/n got an outstanding on her charms"

eunji who had magically appeared next to mark basically said what he was just thinking

confused boi part ??

"wait what?"

but later on he didnt question you about it

he silently observed you

he told himself that anyway

quite honestly if you were spending time with him he was not about to complain

he was staring at you, simply put

my leng bby (thats you, youre my leng bby)

so for the next 2 weeks every day after school you would meet up to ‘catch up’ on your charms

that being said it literally always, every time, ended up with you two talking about something unrelated

like the 5th day you had a conversation about which series of power rangers was better

"SPD, obviously"

AM I THAT OLD?? on god i hate it here

"no, y/n, we all know that dino force is better"

i agree with y/n on this one pal

on the 7th day you talked about muggle sports that you both enjoyed

"i played a lot of cricket"

"cricket? okay tory"

"i am NOT a tory"

on the last day when you should have been, you know, LEARNING

you were having a lovely old chinwag about the x factor

"simon cowell is a king"

"i agree"

legend behaviour if you ask me

wait does chinwag exist in other countries??? translation: chat

so of course the exams came up

but you were dreading them for a different reason

this meant the end of tutoring with renjun

this was super bittersweet, you wanted to spend more time with eachother

you literally could it wasn’t that deep both of you are so dumb smh aint nothing stopping you

jeno agrees with me too, mans pulling out his hair still as you had somehow not gotten together yet

it was like watching snails race, incredibly frustrating but you know that there is the finish line somwhere over the horizon

so you took your exams and both of you passed with flying colours, obviously

smart kids

and you ran right to renjun to celebrate

seeing as he had

not really helped you but you thought that he thought he helped you

oh no honey he knew that you didnt need help

but he didnt know whether to confront you about it?

rip your guilty conscience

so after a long discussion with mark, our china boy decided to ask why the heck you wanted his help when you were absolutely fully capable

unlike mark

and when you saw him approach you first in the halls your heart went

NYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

that was the sound of a fast motorbike

"hi y/n"

‘damn renjun, couldnt have thought of anything better than that?’

"uhh hi renjun"

awkward silence by stray kids

"i just wanted to know why you asked for my help"

okay where is the nearest shovel and what is the most efficient way to dig a large hole-

as if renjun sensed your panic radiating off you in waves

which he did

"not that it was an issue! i enjoyed spending time with you, it was just, you didnt really need help"

he was a pure boy

so you puffed your cheeks and decided to just come clean

somewhere, jeno felt his senses tingling

"genuinely i just wanted to spend some time with you because i really like you"

renjun froze and wanted to smack his head into a wall

bruh

you noticed his expression and panicked yet again

stop panicking man its okay i gotchu

"it was jenos idea"

blame jeno is always a fool-proof plan b

unless you get pregnant, that would not be a good idea

so i guess its not fool proof

BUT I DIGRESS

renjun face palms and groans

"youre kidding me! all this time we wasted doing boringass charms work when we couldve gone on dates"

confusion™️

but?? you felt hopeful??

"i dont think im on the same wavelength"

"i like you too dumbass"

oH so YOURE the dumbass??

yes, yes you are renjun is best boi, accept the L which is really a W bc renjun likes you back

jeno who had found his way to you, listening from around the corner sighed in happiness

"fucking finally!!"

#nct #nct dream #jeno #lee jeno #mark #mark lee #nct hogwarts au #renjun #huang renjun #hufflepuff reader #OWLs #just two dudes deadass pining after eachother

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