HAPPY 4TH FUCKING ANNIVERSARY TO THE TROUBLE W TIME!!! Have a redraw for the occasion!

(Textless + original below the cut)

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Original

3Below//Krel Tarron x Depressed!Reader

A/N: Re-watching 3Below has reignited my love for Krel. There also aren't any Krel x depression out there so fuck it ima do it myself. For these headcanons, I imagine the reader to have Major Depressive Disorder as opposed to any other kind of depression bc that's what I have. Enjoy!

TW: S//H, S//I, Adult Language

Another warning will be placed before sections containing the above.

Words: 2485

"Read More Link” placed due to length.

Krel Tarron x S/O w/Major Depressive Disorder

At first, Krel would not understand. That is, he wouldn’t pick up on the fact that you have depression. 

His knowledge of human sociology and behaviors is very limited when he and his sister first land on Earth. However, even after he’s spent months here he still struggles to understand and pick up on social cues. 

So even though you exhibit very obvious signs of depression — i.e. lack of energy/appetite, excessive sleeping, and loss of enjoyment in activities — Krel doesn’t suspect anything inherently wrong with you. He thinks that your personality is just different from your other human counterparts. 

And to be fair, for as long as he’s known you, you’ve always acted this way (because you were depressed-). 

You would definitely have to tell him you’re depressed because otherwise, he would never figure it out. You ended up telling him during a period of lucidity where you didn’t feel too bad and were conscious of his lack of understanding of your behavior. 

As you tell him, Krel stares at you intently, committing everything you're telling him to memory. 

Now he really doesn’t understand. 

This whole time he thought you just have a different temperament from the other humans at your school, but in reality, you were suffering from a serious illness that he had no idea you had.

Tbh, Krel’s not ok for a few days after you tell him. For a brief moment, he’s angry that you didn’t tell him sooner, but he quickly understands why and his anger dissolves into sadness. He feels so terrible about not picking up on the fact that you’re constantly in pain and that he’s done nothing to help you. 

Krel spends the next few days after you told him researching all about depression and other similar mental illnesses. He’s honestly a little fascinated by how many illnesses there are lmao. It’s just that on Akaridia-5, there aren’t illnesses like that, so he’s happy to learn something new (even if it’s not under more favorable conditions). 

Krel has a lot of questions about your flavor of depression for when you’re mentally ready to answer such questions. 

Tbh, he’s a little insensitive with some of his questions, but that’s just because he doesn’t know any better. Correct him (politely) and he’ll make sure to be nicer with his questions. 

Not much changes dynamic-wise; Krel’s still your loving boyfriend, the same way that you’re still his loving significant other. 

He does make it a habit to compliment you every time he sees you. Whether it be a compliment about your looks, your school work, or even something as small as “I’m happy to see you today,” he really tries to boost your confidence in hopes that you feel better about yourself. 

He also tries to be around you more often, both to make sure you’re ok and to show you that he’s there for you. 

Krel becomes better at predicting when you’re about to enter a depressive episode. Having been around you for so long and now knowing what the warning signs are, he’s very good at guessing when you’re entering certain episodes (sometimes even before you know. Scary, huh?)

When you enter depressive episodes, Krel does everything he can to make sure he’s there for you, both physically and mentally. He will hold you close to him with all four of his arms while he listens carefully to what is troubling you. 

Krel still doesn’t quite understand the emotions involved in depression. Like many other people, he believed that it was just constant sadness, but the more he read and spoke with you about the matter, the more complex it all became. Sadness, despair, emptiness, fear, anger, jealousy, all emotions that he’s never really felt in full. Not to mention other even more nuanced emotions such as paranoia and shame that he’s actually never felt at all. 

Krel is also very good at helping you through mood swings. He’s come to understand that all humans fluctuate between many different emotions, sometimes in a short period of time. He knows when you want him close to you and knows when you want space. 

If you are someone who is very mature with how you explain how you’re feeling, -- like telling someone you’re mad at them, why you’re mad, and that you want space to cool off/talk with them about it -- Krel has an easier time responding to you. He’s much less likely to misinterpret your feelings and what you want. 

Krel actually learned how to vocalize his own emotions from you whenever he’s distressed or upset which definitely opened you two up for a much more healthy form of communication.

He just struggles with emotions in general, but he makes the effort to understand for you :)

TW: S//H, S//I

If Krel ever gets even a hint that you’re hurting yourself, his mental walls would fall and he’d collapse in on himself.

If there is someone who is threatening or hurting you, he, his sister, and Varvatos can easily get rid of them. If you are sick, he can help treat you until you are better. Even if you do something as small as scraping your knee, he can be there to put a bandage over it.

But yourself? He can’t protect you from yourself. He doesn’t know what to do and that scares him so much.

After what happened with his parents, he is very grateful for the lives of those he loves as he understands just how easily they can be taken away from him. He is afraid that one day you will be gone and all that will remain is him.

Krel would have found out about your self-harm either on his own or someone tipping him off about it. You just didn’t have it in you to tell him yourself. 

Krel then begins to really try and learn human medicine. He would spend hours reading medical articles, watching first-aid videos, and taking copious notes about everything he learns, even if it grosses him out a bit (organic organisms were never really something he was interested in before).

He tries to come up with other things you can do when you feel like hurting yourself; Drawing/coloring, writing, reading, playing games, anything that will distract you. He’s always sending you ideas especially when he’s not with you and knows how you’re feeling. 

And to both of your credits, your self-harm does lessen in both severity and quantity. But unfortunately, it doesn’t always help since old habits die hard.

Krel is there in an instant to help you when you relapse assuming you tell him you need help. Even if you decide not to tell him immediately and care for yourself that day/night, Krel almost always finds out sometime after and worries over you about it. 

His hours spent learning first aid pay off when goes to treat your wounds; Cuts, burns, bruises, bites, you’re convinced that Krel can treat any minor injury. And you’re grateful for that. 

Krel is thorough about disinfecting any open wounds with hydrogen peroxide or Neosporin over burns and is incredibly gentle when wrapping them in gauze. He likes to check on them every few days as well to make sure they’re healing correctly.

He holds you close to him afterward -- all four arms wrapped around you and face pressed into your neck/shoulder -- and begs you not to leave him. At first, you’re confused thinking he meant, like, break up with him. It isn’t until you give it more thought that you realize that he doesn’t want to leave him through death.

If you ever express feelings of guilt -- whether verbal or through body language -- Krel quickly dismisses them from your mind by telling you how he wants to help you and how much he loves you. That he wouldn’t bother doing all of this if he didn’t see anything of substance in you.

If you ever express a desire to die, -- whether through suicide or some freak accident -- Krel will look cool on the outside but on the inside, he will be panicking. As hard as he may try, Krel could never understand why you want to die. 

Even if you explain it to Krel -- Everyone and everything that troubles you and the awful guilt you constantly feel by just being alive -- he believes that there is always a reasonable and achievable solution to your problems. It’s not that he’s trying to downplay your problems or your emotions, he’s just naturally more of a rational thinker even under stress.

But even though he doesn’t understand the emotions themselves, he does understand that human emotions can elicit other undesirable responses and thoughts.

Krel will constantly tell you how much he loves you and that he doesn’t know what he’d do with himself if you were dead. 

He does what he can to push those thoughts from your head.

As written earlier, Krel likes to spend time with you in person. Not just because he loves you sm but also because it makes it easier to keep an eye on you and intervene when necessary.

Def says something along the lines of, “I’m happy you’re alive.” And the first time he said that you cried so hard he thought he insulted you lmao. You had to explain to him that you weren’t insulted but relieved and overjoyed. 

Krel is not the most emotionally intelligent person out there, but he tries to be and is willing to understand them for you.

When you had shown up at school with a busted lip, bloody and bruised knuckles, and a dull gash on your cheek, Krel freaked the fuck out. The moment he spotted you walking to your locker from his own locker he was all over you. 

“What happened?” Krel cried while gently taking your face into one of his hands while the other went to grab your hand.

“It’s nothing,” You mutter, pulling your face out of his grasp and taking a step back. Krel scoffed, looking almost offended while saying,

“Nothing? Nothing did that to you?”

“I just-” You start, raising your hands up in defense before dropping them at your sides, “I got in a fight with Steve. It was over something stupid. We’ve known each other for most of our lives; I just worry about him.” You cross your arms to hold onto yourself and look anywhere Krel isn’t. Krel moved his head so that it was in your line of vision, forcing you to meet his eyes. 

“I take it you don’t want to talk about it?” He asked. You nod ‘yes,’ and Krel frowns.

“I won’t push you then, but I really want to get you treated,” He says, taking a step closer to you. You stay where you are and allow him to hold your hands.

“Later, I’ll be fine for now,” You say while bringing up one of his hands to kiss the top of it, “You can have Aja or even Mother patch me up after school.”

Krel looks at your knuckle hesitantly before agreeing, trusting that you truly would be fine until after the school day.

The moment the last bell rang he made a beeline to find you and ran you to his house as quickly as possible. The two of you were the only ones home when you got there, so Krel wasted no time in having one of the blanks retrieve a first aid kit. Once given to him, Krel attempts to treat your injuries but fails pretty miserably. 

You end up showing him how to clean and wrap different kinds of cuts and bruises. It’s when you’re in the middle of cleaning your knuckles in the sink that Krel says something that makes your stomach drop.

“Mother, can you scan Y/N for any more injuries, please?”

“Wha-Mother! You don’t have to do that!” You shout panicked and covered your arms in a vain attempt to conceal your other injuries. 

“Numerous other injuries found upon Y/N in the upper arm, forearm, and thigh regions. Approximately 27 cuts to the epidermis and 3, 1st-degree burns found.”

“What!?” Krel turned around so fast to face you, you swear you saw his electric blue hair whip from the air, “Where?! I demand you show me!”

“No!” You cry back panicked, hands gripping the side of the sink behind you. Krel scowls and grows before shouting, 

“Mother, show me a hologram of where the injuries are on Y/N!” 

“My King-in-waiting, It would seem that I have breached a highly sensitive topic on behalf of Y/N. I believe it best that they discuss it with you themself.” Mother responds. Krel sighs, his upper right hand running through his hair.

“Y/N,” He starts, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m really worried.” He carefully walks over to you but leaves a foot of space between the two of you.

“Will you please show me where you’re hurt?” He asks quietly. Your eyes begin to burn with tears and your mouth opens to explain yourself before shutting quickly with a ‘clank’ of your teeth. Unable to speak, you place your hands into his lower ones, palms up, and nod your head. Gently, Krel’s other hands push your long sleeves higher up your arms, and he’s baffled at the numerous cuts he sees littering your arms. There were many different colors, thicknesses, lengths, and stages of healing -- some were a day old while others were weeks old. He ran his thumb over one of the older ones.

“Wha…” Krel stutters, eyes dancing over your arms, “What are these? What-Who did this?” His eyes flicker up to yours. 

Your jaw twitches -- wanting to speak but unable to -- and you pull one of your hands away from his to point to yourself. Krel’s eyebrows furrow.

“I-I don’t understand,” He whispers, his own eyes beginning to water, “I want to understand.” 

“I did this,” You mumble out, pulling your other hand away from his, “I am…ashamed.” Tears begin to fall and you scrub gently at your eyes to dry them.

“You-You did this?” Krel asks, confused and stunned, “You willingly hurt yourself? Why?”

You heave out a few breaths trying to figure out how to relay your emotions to him. While difficult to say, you manage to squeeze out three words.

“I hate-” You stammer, “I hate myself.” 

And Krel is immediately embracing you.

“I love you,” He says, cupping your face in his upper hands and staring into your eyes with his other two around your waist, “I love you so much. Please don’t ever say you hate yourself.”

Gently, he kisses your forehead, your cheek, and then your lips.

The two of you are left a sobbing mess of tender skin and emotion in the kitchen for Varvatos and Aja to find later when they arrive home.

in your expert opinion what are some of the most destiel-heavy episodes of spn? i stopped watching around season 7 and have no interest in engaging w the plot of the show at all but i’m in the mood for some gay yearning ykwim

Hi anon! Thank you for reaching out to me about this, I’m, no-joke, very flattered. I’d seen a couple posts on this same question, very thorough and detailed lists on Destiel-centric episodes, but at the moment I cannot find any of them, that would’ve answered your request much faster. So, in advance, sorry, my reply is probably coming in extremely late, but I did write this from scratch, so yeah.

Even though storylines in SPN can be very shitty and hollow, I do feel that to get the full Destiel experience -that long-drawn yearning- one would have to watch the entirety of the show, even if Cas isn’t in the episode or if there’s no explicit mention of their relationship/bond because it gives you a better understanding of them as characters and of how their relationship affects the narrative.

Now, you mentioned you stopped around S7, which is completely understandable and justified given the Dick plot game was very weak and, in my opinion, annoying (so little Cas!). I’m going to start listing from S7 in case you want to refresh your SPN before jumping straight into unseen episodes. Also, since you mentioned no interest in the plot and are specifically craving those sweet crumbs of gay yearning, I’ll skip most one-sided / too subtle episodes and cut to the chase.

Lastly, I hate spoiling things, but you’ve probably seen it all on Tumblr. I tried to keep the episodes’ descriptions short, as it might come in useful. Stuck to key words, quotes and/or little comments.

 Season 7

7x01 – Meet the New Boss: Godstiel, sincere apology. Cas: “I'm gonna find some way to redeem myself to you.”

7x02 – Hello, Cruel World: Mourning. Trench coat melancholy. The heart-wrenching eulogy: “Dumb son of a bitch.”

7x17 – The Born-Again Identity: Emmanuel!Cas, reunion, longing, hurt.

7x21 – Reading is Fundamental: Honey!Cas, hug, hurt, reunion, that painful SORRY (board game) scene.

7x23 – Survival of the Fittest: Honey!Cas, forgiveness, adorable, wified Cas. Dean hits us with: “Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas!" but also “I'd rather have you, cursed or not.”

Season 8 (this season is so good and Destiel is the driving motor of it, I swear. If you can, watch it complete.)

8x01 – We Need to Talk About Kevin: Dean in Purgatory looking for the angel.  Cas is referred to as “your [Dean’s] angel.”

8x02 – What’s Up, Tiger Mommy?: HUG!!!, Purgatory reunion, face touch, very romantic. Monster: “ You'll find your angel there.” //  Dean: “Let me bottom-line it for you. I'm not leaving here without you.”

8x05 – Blood Brother: Cas vs. Benny cat fight lol. Dean: “Cas... we're gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.”

8x07 – A Little Slice of Kevin: Cas comes back from Purgatory, but before that Dean starts seeing him in places. Very tragic; hallucinating your dead significant other trope. Has That boner scene. Dean: “I did everything I could to get you out! EVERYTHING!” Cas helps Dean see what truly happened in Purgatory and not his self-altered memories. PACKED!

8x08 – Hunteri Heroici: Hilarious, romantic, intimate. Dean and Cas have an heart to heart. They actually communicate. Cas “I’ll watch over you.”

8x10 Torn and Frayed: They work a case together, and when I say heart eyes…

8x17 – Goodbye Stranger: THIS. EPISODE. Dean “I need you.”

8x19 – Taxi Driver: Separation. Naomi to Dean: "You're hoping Castiel will return to you. I admire your loyalty; I only wish he felt the same way."

8x22 – Clip Show: Lack of trust, hurt, tense interactions. Romantic too (basically, Cas gets Dean an apology basket).

8x23 – Sacrifice: Meaningful conversation and a gay couple hit by Cupid parallel. Dean “So this is it? E.T goes home?"

 Season 9

9x01 – I think I’m Gonna Like it Here: Dean prays to Cas IN.A.CHAPEL. Worry, longing, separation. Dean “Please, man, I need you here.”

9x03 – I’m No Angel: Human!Cas and jealous!Dean.

9x06 – Heaven Can’t Wait: Human!Cas TEXT-BOOK LONGING. GAY AS FUCK. Gazing, touching, they even TALK (for real).

9x09 – Holy Terror: Adorable Cas, flirty vibes, happyish, funny. Cas: “Cas is back in town!”

9x10 – Road Trip: Cas comforts Dean, Cas and Crowley bitching at each other, overall protective!Cas.

9x18 – Metafiction. Cas finds out about the Mark of Cain.

9x21 – King of the Damned: Hug, strong boyfriends vibes.

9x22 – Stairway to Heaven: Cas gives up an entire army, for Dean. Metatron about Cas “He's in love………………………. with humanity.”

9x23  – Do You Believe in Miracles?: At this point, it’s canon stated that Cas will do anything and lose everything if that means saving Dean. Metatron to Cas “You draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right?”

 Season 10

10x01 – Black: Demon!Dean and sick/brokenhearted Cas in a slutty robe missing his man.

10x03 – Soul Survivor: ICONIC. Angel on Demon action! Cas turns down Hannah because he’s too gay and in love. Intimate Deancas talk.

10x05 – Fan Fiction: No Cas, but Destiel references. 

10x09 – The Things We Left Behind: That.Lunch.Date. Deancas introduction to co-parenting.

10x14 – The Executioner’s Song: We get Daddy Murder aka Cain. This is a Pivotal episode to understand Dean’s character development. Plus, it has Deancas interactions.

10x16 – Paint It Black: No Cas, but Dean opens up in confessionary; repressed BISEXUAL AS FUCK.

10x18 – Book of the Damned: Charlie meets Cas. Gay energies everywhere. Cute domestic little scene.

10x20 – Angel Heart: PARENTING! Essential to understand Cas from this point forward.

10x22 – The Prisoner: Just… just watch it. One of THEE Destiel episodes.

10x23 – Brother’s Keeper: No Deancas interactions but it’s the finale, and I recommend watching it because next season takes off literally right from here. No time jumps.

 Season 11

11x02 – Form and Void: Could skip to the very end which is when Cas comes back.

11x03 – The Bad Seed: Cursed!Cas. Dean takes care of him, even wraps him in a blanket. He also cradles his face. Extreme Hurt/Comfort. Jacting joices rejoice.

11x10 – The Devil in the Details: Could skip but has Casifer in it. Interesting to see his dynamic with Dean.

11x18 – Hell’s Angel: Casifer. Dean "It? It's not an it, Sam, it's Cas!"

11x23 – Alpha and Omega: Huggg! Cas willing to go on a guaranteed suicide mission with Dean. Very tender and sad.

 Season 12

12x02 – Keep Calm and Carry On: ANOTHER HUG! Dean presents his boyfriend to his mom<3 Soft and romantic.

12x09 – First Blood: Reunion hug<3, Cas pining… as in he counts his every minute without Dean.

12x10 – Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets: Direct parallel with canon couple. Crystal-clear mutual affection. One of the best. Angel Ishim to Cas about Dean “I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna cure you of your human weakness same way I cured my own… by cutting it out.”

12x12 – Stuck in the Middle with You: A dying Cas confesses his love. “I love you. I love all of you.”

12x19 – The Future: We find out Dean gave Cas a MIXTAPE!!! Very romantic and full of yearning, also worry and what could be seen as a betrayal (ish…).

12x23 – All Along the Watch Tower: Hands down, one of the most distressing Destiel episodes. Cas dies.

 Season 13

13x01 – Lost and Found: This is the worst because you have Dean trying to assimilate Cas’ death. Core of Dean’s widow’s arc. Jack introduction, that’s their new kid.

13x02 – The Rising Son: Widow’s arc (you could skip it, but why would you?).

13x03 – Patience: Widow’s arc (you could skip it, but why would you?). Dean to Sam “He manipulated him, he made him promises, said, ‘paradise on earth’ and Cas bought it and you know what that got him? It got him dead! Now you might be able to forget about that, but I can’t!”

13x04 – The Big Empty: Continuation of widow’s arc and Cas wakes up in the Empty. The Empty to Cas: "I know who you love. There's nothing for you back there." // Dean to Sam “I need you to keep the faith, for both of us. ‘Cause right now, I… Right now, I don’t believe in a damn thing.”

13x05 – Advanced Thanatology: Suicidal and hopeless Dean gets his win. Cas comes back. Gives me the chills.

13x06 – Tombstone: COWBOY BOYFRIENDS!

13x14 – Good Intentions: Happy and fun Destiel scene. So Very Married.

13x23 – Let The Good Times Roll: Season finale, Dean talks about retiring (plans include Cas of course) and just very nice to see them interact.

Season 14

14x03 – The Scar: Reunion.

14x08 – Byzantium: Deanand Cas dealing with their child’s death, then bringing him back by Cas making a deal with the Empty. IMPORTANT EPISODE.

14x09 – The Spear: Cas uses the royal We – married behavior.

14x10 – Nihilism: Dean is stuck in his own mind, and Cas and Sam try to bring him back. Cas “Please, you have to -- you have to try to remember, because the people in your life -- in your real life, out there -- we need you to come back.”

14x12 – Prophet and Loss: Dean gets his very own Dr. Sexy, aka Dr. Cas.

14x14 – Ouroboros: Basically another date (their kid tags along) and They TALK. Very intimate and established marriage vibes.

14x18 – Absence: Shits starts to go south. [ Dean: “Who cares what Jack said? We don't know what happened! But I swear, if he did something to her, if she is -- (points to Castiel) Then you're dead to me. (Castiel looks crushed after Dean says that).]

14x20 – Moriah: Tense and very upsetting. Relationship very damaged.

 Season 15 (I would advise watching the entire season because it relies heavily on Destiel. They’re the heart and the emotional motor leading the plot onwards.)

15x01 – Back and To The Future: Deancas’ in the aftermath of their kid’s death. Tension gets worse.

15x02 – Raising Hell: Tension rises, this is very intense. Cas “Dean. You asked, "What about all of this is real?" We are.”

15x03 – The Rupture: Breaking point ends in divorce.

15x06 – Golden Time: Painful phone call which speaks volumes about the current state of their relationship at the time. Also, good to see where they’re standing and how they’re coping.

15x08 – Our Father Who Aren’t in Heaven: Strained relationship so obvious they’re offered couples’ therapy.

15x09 – The Trap: MASTERPIECE. Back to Purgatory. Can (and is) taken as Dean’s love confession (because it is). 

15x12 – Galaxy Brain: So married. Little domestic date, you can see LOVE written in their faces.

15x13 – Destiny’s Child: AU!Dean and Sam. Not a yearning episode per se, but AU!Dean? SO GAY.

15x17 – Unity: God reveals that the only act of free will in any universe he ever created has been Cas choosing Dean.

15x18 – Despair: Cas confesses his love to Dean.

trying to articulate my frustrations with Marvel’s treatment of female characters and characters of color

Hi, hello, hola, bonjour. I've been having a lot of thoughts about Marvel’s lack of diversity and of how they treat minority characters, so I'm taking a page out of Luisa’s (@its-tortle) book and just making a long, rambley post to get it all out.

Please bear with me while I try to encapsulate all of my frustration within the limitations of English language.

(ALSO, I'm white. I’m Spanish-American, but I do not have the ability to speak for fans of color and the other grievances they have. This post is just a combination of my own thoughts and what I've heard other people say on Tumblr, in YouTube videos, in articles etc.)

Now that we've had over week to collect ourselves after the WandaVision finale, because it was such a tearjerker and the end of a true masterpiece of a show, we really need to talk about how Marvel treats their their characters of color and female characters. I'll specifically be looking at Sam Wilson, Natasha Romanoff, and Monica Rambeau.

Let's start with Sam.

Until Monica Rambeau became Photon just a few weeks ago in WandaVision, Sam was THE ONLY Black superhero in the MCU.

He first appeared in Captain America: The Winter Soldier 7 years ago in 2014, and he's been in 4 movies since then (not counting the post-credits of Ant-Man).

Let's see what we know about Sam in the MCU:

He was a pararescue airman in the U.S. Airforce

His wing-man, Riley, died in combat, prompting him to leave active duty

He works at the VA to help other veterans adjust to civilian life

That's it. This is all we know about his backstory, separate from Captain America. However, the MCU decided to include these parts of his backstory, (and exclude others) because they make him a better supporting character to Steve.

Sam's a vet - so is Steve. They have the same, early-morning run routine that alludes to strict military training. Steve is still new to the future and hardly knows or approaches anyone, but Sam is wearing his VA sweatshirt, so there's some sense of connection, one that is furthered when they talk about their beds being too soft. Sam is someone who can understand him, aside from being a super soldier.

Riley, Sam's wingman, died in combat - Hmm, haven't heard that one befo - oh, wait. *Bucky waves from the abyss of the Alps*. Yeah.

I'm not saying that these connections are bad, in fact, I think the opposite. In terms of storyline, these connections are incredibly important for their friendship. Steve is lost and alone in the future. No one he knows cares about him for any reason other than the fact that he's a super soldier, nor can he relate to any of those people on any level. Sam just fits. He's funny and kind and although they are 60 years apart in age, he can, to some extent, understand what Steve is going through in a way they no one else can.

But for the last 7 years in the MCU, all he's been is Steve's supportive friend.

Almost immediately after meeting Steve, Sam is dragged into an end-of-the-world battle. He readily agrees to put his life on the line to fight by Captain America's side. After SHIELD falls, Sam gives up his life for 2 years to help Steve find Bucky. When they find him, Sam, without a second thought, becomes an international fugitive to protect Bucky and Steve.

I mean, he practically says that he lives in Steve's shadow himself: 

"Don't look at me. I do what he does, just slower."

Who does all this? Seriously? Sam is also a recovering vet. He, in theory, has a life, a family, a job, his own mental well-being to consider, but he immediately gives it all up to help Captain America, to follow in his shadow, to be his back-up and support in every battle. Marvel wrote him as a 2D character that lacks his own identity and agency.

Sam deserves his own storyline; he deserves to exist outside the orbit of Steve Rogers.

What Mackie has been able to do with the character is astounding. He took Sam off the page and truly brought him to life, turning him into a beloved character. I'm ecstatic that both Mackie and Sam finally (hopefully) get their time to shine in TFATWS, but it should have happened WAY sooner. Marvel has continuously overlooked Mackie, despite how much he brings to the movies and despite the significance of Sam as the only Black superhero. It's just so clear that they do not care about representation.

(And let's not start with the whole "Bucky should be Captain America" thing, thanks)

Next, let's talk about Natasha.

Nat has been in the MCU for 11 years, starting with Iron Man 2 in 2010. She was heavily featured in an additional 6 MCU movies (not including small cameos/post-credit sequences). She's one of the few female superheroes in the MCU, and the only one that's been there since the beginning. Nat was the only female superhero for 4 years until Gamora appeared in Guardians of the Galaxy.

Let's see what we know about Natasha's history:

She's a former KGB operative and assassin, trained in the Red Room project

When she was a part of the Red Room, she was sterilized

Clint Barton got her out of the Red Room and converted her to a SHIELD agent

THAT'S IT. The second point is actually nauseating because this is what she says to Banner when we learn about her infertility in Age of Ultron:

"They sterilize you. It’s efficient. One less thing to worry about, the one thing that might matter more than a mission. It makes everything easier — even killing. You still think you’re the only monster on the team?"

Like, actually, what the fuck? I remember watching this scene and having to rewind because I thought I mis-heard what she said. In truth, Natasha is probably referring to the terrible things she was forced to do as a KGB operative are what make her a "monster," but why in the world would they include this anecdote here?? It's just so distasteful and disgusting! It makes it seem like her infertility is what makes her a monster, perpetuating the misogynistic belief that the center of a woman's identity and purpose is to have children.

As Vox says in this article, the subject of Nat's infertility 

"rears its head sub-textually when Black Widow sacrifices herself for the Soul Stone. [...] It’s reasonable for Natasha to make the calculation that Clint’s kids deserve to have a dad when they come back to life after the Avengers complete their “time heist.” But because of that Ultron plot, there’s also an insidious implication that Natasha’s infertility renders Black Widow just a little bit more disposable than the rest of her teammates."

Furthermore, Nat's death in Endgame serves for nothing more than motivation for the other characters working in the time heist, WHICH ARE ALL MALE. Even then, the other characters talk about her death briefly (in a mostly unaffected manner), and by the end of the movie, she's been pretty much forgotten about,  completely overshadowed by Tony Stark.

I don't want to say that Nat shouldn't have died in Endgame. It caused me so much heartache and emotional pain, but I truly believe it was a great way to end her arc. CinemaWins on YouTube put it best:

"She needed to save her family, Clint included, finally wiping the red from her ledger. So much of her jouney in the MCU was trying to find her purpose, figure out which side she was on, and she finally feels like she's found it, just in time to die for it. 

"It's not wrong to feel cheated by her death, [but I think] she deserved this moment because of it's importance."

She says it in the movie: 

"I used to have nothing, and then I got this. This family. And I was better because of it."

Nat shouldn't have to die, but it's on her terms, and she is absolutely ready for it. Saving her chosen family... that is her purpose.

But altogether, over the course of the MCU, Natasha was cheated out of getting the storyline she deserved. Like Sam, she was relegated to the position of the supportive friend of Steve, but also of Bruce and Clint. For the audience, her identity is tied to this role that she plays. The identity and motivations she has independent from these other characters, her history, is skimmed over, and treated with immense disrespect.

It took 11 years, but it is thrilling that Scarlett Johansson finally gets to be the start of her own Marvel movie. There is no way that Black Widow will be able to completely make up for her and Natasha's mistreatment by the MCU, but I hope it will at least bring us some closure and allow us to have a better understanding of Nat's history and who she is away from the other Avengers.

Last, but certainly not least (despite what WandaVision may have you believe) is Monica Rambeau.

I spoke about this last week after posting about this review of the show, but it bears repeating.

Monica is a new character. You'd hope that, after 11 years of extremely limited diversity in the MCU, much to the dismay of fans worldwide, and after recognizing this and creating a movie with a cast like The Eternals, Marvel would try to get their shit together across the board.

Nope!

Monica was seriously the token diversity character of the show. It seemed like they would give her more depth after the episode during which they flashed back to the her during and after the snap, losing her mother, and seeing a little bit of what she's done as an adult since Captain Marvel, but that ended up being the most we got.

But why? Monica literally became a SUPERHERO. She became Photon! She deserved a much greater role in the show, especially in the finale, where she instead had maybe 5 lines and just stopped some bullets for about 30 seconds.

As the review I linked says, 

“There are so many black writers, fans, and critics noting how Monica got relegated to a complete lack relegated to meaningless best friend protector lacking in their own self agency and story except for making a shoehorned comparison of grief.”

Marvel made the same, bull-headed mistake that they made with Sam with Monica!

Let's do this again. Monica was snapped away for 5 years, and when she was snapped back, she learned that her mother had died. Losing someone you love and having the whole process of mourning and pain be complicated by the snap? What an interesti- oh wait. *Vision phases his head through the wall with a smile*

The only reason we got this backstory was because it made her a more sympathetic character towards Wanda. Her understanding of what Wanda is going through allows her to be the catalyst in the creation of the ideological fork in the road between herself, Darcy and Woo, who see Wanda as a victim of grief and loss, and Hayward and the rest of SHIELD, who see her as a dangerous threat.

How do you make the same, major mistake that you've been making for the past 7 years again? Guess what? You don't! Maybe it's not intentional, but Marvel, again, clearly doesn’t care enough about their characters of color to consider the roles they relegate them to in the MCU, realize what they've been doing is harmful, and then change it.

Hopefully, they will not continue to treat Monica this way and will remedy this in the next Captain Marvel.

In conclusion: MARVEL GAVE A FUCKING ROBOT AN ACTUAL ORIGIN STORY, A RELATIONSHIP AND MORE INDEPENDENCE THAN ALL OF THESE CHARACTERS.

But in all seriousness, Marvel needs to be help accountable for how they treat women and their characters of color in the MCU. I just looked at 3, but you could also make a similar argument about Rhodey, Hope van Dyne and Valkyrie, as well as Jane Foster, MJ, and Ned, although they are supporting characters and not superheroes. And I'm sure there are many others. Marvel (and Disney!!) has had an awful track-record, and change is long overdue.

Fate: The Winx Saga Unedited Ramble

Alright so I finished the first season of Fate: The Winx Saga and it was pretty fucking dreadful if I’m being honest. Let’s get into it.

First, let’s talk about the production quality because it was lacking in some weird areas. The audio mixing was surprisingly bad in a few places. Most notability when characters were talking over the phone. Every time Bloom speaks to her parents over the phone the voices on the other end are so loud. And most of the time when a character is talking to someone over the phone, their voice over comes in a bit softer with a filter to make it sound poorer quality. The audio was crisp and loud. There was one funny scene where Bloom is on the phone with her parents and she’s outside and there’s a bunch of background noise and her parents are in a quiet house. When it cuts to Bloom’s parents with Bloom on the phone you can’t hear the background noise but when you cut to her you can hear the general outdoor sounds in everything. Also whenever pop songs could come they were so loud. I would always have to turn down my volume because they would be louder than the normal speaking voice. Now for the sets. They were fine? I guess. Generic castle. Generic house. Generic forest. Fine. The costumes were uh…really awful. Mostly because you have the cartoon to compare it to where you had fashion designers design the outfits and you could tell, all the girls were so fashionable. A lot of the outfits were crimes. Terra’s and Stella’s were especially god awful.

And now, I guess I’ll go through the episodes and point out the problems as I see them. Episode one, I have a lot to say because the problems of the show become evident very quickly. So, first the dialogue. The original show had lame slang, especially with Musa, but my god some of this shit was painful. The first instance is when Bloom accuses Sky of mansplaining, so first of all it’s really great to see my childhood icon being sexist. Great. I love it. Second, she isn’t even using the term correct because by definition it is a man must explain to a woman a concept that she already knows in a rude way. Bloom states before this that she doesn’t know what a Specialist is so it’s not something she already knows. The only line that got a snort out of me is when Bloom says “Gryffindor. Explains the judgement.” Now the roommate situation. They totally moved Terra and Aisha because they wanted more drama. Terra is a ball of anxiety and wants to be friends with Musa, Musa’s an empath and can’t deal. Bloom is naturally gifted and a bit of an…well the show wants us to think she’s a free spirt and a rebel but she’s an idiot. Aisha is smart but has to work for ever bit of magic she gets. (despite that one line where she saws she flooded her school because of a math test but whatever) Another thing is that they say guns don’t work on the Burned Ones but if swords do then guns do. It’s stupid.

A great theme of this show is that everyone needs to calm down. As someone who’s lived in a suite like with this with four/five other girls, you’re not going to be best friends with your roommates the first day. Calm down Terra. Back to bad lines. Speaking of calming down, Bloom’s mom takes away her door (Sidenote: Whoever wrote “Don’t you feminist with me. This basic bitch’ll break out her bullhorn and her dissertation and take your ass to school.” Needs a good slap) and so Bloom is so enraged by this that she…nearly kills her parents by burning the house down. Fucking brilliant. That is the thing that enrages her. That. Fucking moronic. Also Bloom’s parents are on the floor but there’s a clear pathway that they can just walk through that Bloom walks through. This could have been solved if you had Bloom walk through the flames because fire fairy Speaking of people needing to calm down Terra is just absolutely insufferable. Riven calls her fat and she her response is to choke him and when he calls her out on this she smiles at him saying “nice to see you again” or something. Fuck off Terra. Attempted murder not acceptable when someone insults you.

Alright, now to talk about Stella (and yes, we’re still on Episode 1) while I think Bloom and Flora were done the dirtiest, they massacred my girl. While I don’t think Stella is the most complex character, I discovered while watching this that I really like her in the original. I especially love the episode she gets her Enchantix and the episode she saves her father from Valtore’s spell. Both episodes are so beautiful and her character shines. She’s a bitch in this show. It explains why and I actually do feel bad for this Stella but my god, my Stella would never. Which might as well be the title of this show, Fate: The Winx Would Never Saga.

Few final problems for the first episode: First they call Bloom a changeling and that’s not what changeling’s are and it’s very distracting. Find a different word. Second, Bloom’s house does not look Californian and probably isn’t. Also if Bloom didn’t want to lose Stella’s ring, then she should have worn it on her fucking finger. Now onto episode 2.

So, another problem with this show is Beatrix, while she’s one of the most interesting characters on the show, the fact she barely interacts with the girls is stupid. They should have just put her and Bloom in the same room together. Then Beatrix could interact with all the girls. Problem solved. But no. However, I actually kind of dig Beatrix’s relationship with Riven, I remember liking it in the original as well when it was with Darcy. Maybe I just like evil couples. Oh and magic has changed. So now there’s five elements Water, Earth, Fire, Air, and Mind. And you use emotions. And seeing Stella tell Bloom to think of negative emotions hurts my soul because I remember the episode where the girls go to Cloud Tower in season 2 and STELLA WOULD NEVER. Onto episode 3 and 4.

Okay so it’s revealed that Bloom was born in 2004 so that means these girls are 16, 17 in Stella’s case. To which I say bullshit. Now, onto Queen Luna. I don’t think she had any lines in the original series, however I will say QUEEN LUNA WOULD NEVER. I hate that Stella has a shit relationship with her mom. I hate that Queen Luna is queen of Solaria. I hate that she’s the Queen of Light despite her name being Luna because she should the Queen of the Moon because that’s how it worked in the original but no. It’s dumb and I hate it. Though, I will say that her treatment of Stella did make my heart hurt. New appreciation for this imposter Stella. One other thing is that Beatrix’s story is the most interesting. Aster Del was cool.

Episode 5 is when I realized that there were only 6 episodes of this series instead of 8 so…this is the penultimate episode and where shit gets real bad. I don’t like seeing Musa having sex, I think I was on my phone when Stella was having sex but seeing Musa with her bra just made my childhood weep a little. Also, how the fuck did Musa not know Stella was there? Also, I kind of like the scene were Stella opens up to Musa but I would have liked to see Musa say “I’m an empath, dummy, I know these girls aren’t judging you.” Speaking of stupid, Bloom. While Farah not telling you the truth about stuff was dumb, you breaking Beatrix out is massively moronic. And then the show decides to make my childhood weep again by having Bloom drug Sky. Thanks sho w, seeing this happen to my childhood OTPs is fucking great. And you know what? I try to hate this show but then it has a soldier facetiming Marco saying that the Batallion is dead and that she has a broken leg. Then she starts running away from the Burned Ones while hobbling with her “broken” leg and the camera stays on her. It’s…it’s a special show.

The show briefly mentions magical convergence and don’t fucking dare. And then…the characters brains magically go bye-bye. First Bloom is a ding dong for leaving the drugged Sky face down. Then Terra, Musa, and Stella are absolute ding dongs for giving Bloom back the key to break Beatrix out. At first I thought they were fine with allowing Beatrix to murder Dane and then Stella just fucking pushes her into the trap and it made it worse. You don’t fucking know that won’t kill her, you ding dongs.

Onto the finale. Aisha gets shit for being the only one who isn’t a ding dong. “Hope the brownie points will keep you company when you have no friends.” My soul. Bloom becomes really fucking confusing because she doesn’t trust Farah or the other staff but then she just randomly trusts Rosalind. And then she points this out that it’s weird that Rosalind wants her to trust her. And then Bloom goes to save her friends. Funny moment: Stella loses signal, she clearly needs to switch over to the plan that one soldier had where she could face time in the middle of a fucking forest with perfect quality. Then back to Bloom where she confronts Farah and says “What if Rosalind isn’t crazy? What if she had a reason to lie?” And she’s just…an idiot because she doesn’t see how that logic can be thrown right back at her with Farah.

Terra continues to be an ass to Musa. Like she just demands that Musa take away his pain and I understand the Musa needs to open up and get past her baggage. However, Terra does it in such a bitchy way that I would have probably slapped her. Also the show pretends that Terra was helping Sam when she did nothing but hold his hand while he writhed in pain. Also, also you clearly have sedatives in this world, fucking use them.

So Saul “killed” Andreas which is stupid on two fronts. Number one, Saul says to at least Sky that he died in a battle but no one ever questions which one. You’d think they’d find his body on the battle field. Number two where the fuck did Andreas’ body go? Did Saul not care? Fucking stupid. Also Andreas raised Beatrix. Interesting. A little…Mortal Instruments but I’ll allow it. Cool reveal.

Then…the things. Uh, while I’m glad that this show about fairies actually has fucking wings for one scene and they’re pretty cool looking with the fire and almost scale like. However…there’s no magical costume which is bullshit.

Finally, Farah’s neck is snapped and that just kind of the final blow to my childhood. So…overall. This was pretty shit as both an adaptation and just as a story. There were a lot of plotholes and stupid things.

All the Many Shades of Gerry - Chapter 3

Chapters: 3/19

Fandom: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Gerard Keay/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Martin Blackwood/Gerard Keay, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Gerard Keay/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist

Characters: Martin Blackwood, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Gerard Keay, Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Sasha James, Gertrude Robinson, Elias Bouchard

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Library AU, Librarian Jon, Artist Gerry, Trans Male Character, Trans Martin Blackwood, Canon Asexual Character, Asexual Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Ace Subtype - Sex Positive, Polyamory, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Romantic Fluff, Falling In Love, Boys in Skirts, Kissing, Demisexual Gerard Keay, Minor Character Death, Past Character Death, Canon-Typical Child Neglect, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Flirting, Minor Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist/Tim Stoker, Adventures in Hair Dying, Happy Ending, Banter, Gerry has a lot of sass, Gerard Keay is Morticia Adams, Jon is a very grumpy Librarian, Martin adores them anyway.

Summary: In which Gerry is a kaleidoscope and Jon and Martin can't help falling in love with him.

He happens to love them back.

Find it on Ao3

[1] [2]

In the following weeks, as he sees Jon a few more times, Gerry's hair fades out and he looks rather more 'forest nymph' than 'American Gothic'.

So it's not much of a shock when the next time Jon catches sight of Gerry striding through the library stacks, his hair has been re-coloured. This time it's a smooth buttery yellow and Jon is struck by how young the warm, bright colour makes him look.

Gerry doesn't feel young though, he feels tired and bored and wrung out, and he wishes he had never agreed to take art commissions.

"It's only the one time!" Gertrude had insisted to a very put upon Gerry, very early in the morning. "And if he puts in a good word for you in his circles, your name will really be on the map in the art world."

Gerry wasn't particularly interested in being put on any maps, or being picked apart by rich, stuck up strangers, but he had agreed to try, mostly because Gertrude had put a lot of effort into making his passion for art an actual career and he felt like he owed her.

(He forgets, frequently, just how much of a commission she takes on the sales of his paintings).

So there he was, striding around the library at 7 am and desperately looking for exactly the right reference book. Unfortunately, it has been out of print for years, and Gerry can't seem to find a copy anywhere that won't cost him half a liver. He has the money now, but he refuses to pay half a month's rent to a second-hand retailer on principle.

Jon watches him skulk around for so long, (apparently forgetting that he is, in fact, a librarian) that Sasha comes out from her desk to ask Gerry if he's looking for something specific. She's wearing her big round glasses today and even indulged herself in her favorite waistcoat to beat the Monday blues.

"Why, yes." At this, Gerry looks directly up at Jon, where he is standing and watching him from the upper balcony level. Jon's face burns, and he ducks out of sight, but not earshot. "I do actually come here to borrow books, not boys." And he smartly feeds her the name of the reference book he has been hunting for almost an hour.

Sasha giggles at his antics, "We do have a copy of that, actually, but it's very popular. There's a waitlist; also it's checked out right now."

Gerry's whole demeanor sags and he sighs in defeat. "Guess I really will just have to order it off the internet, then." He eyes the stacks of books, old and new, looking vaguely betrayed.

"No!" Sasha's exclamation takes everyone a bit aback, being that they are in a library and all. "You know, my mate has this sweet little bookstore, and he loves hunting down rare copies of older books, he might have a copy?" She wrings her hands, eyebrows raised in question.

Gerry beams down at her, causing even stoic Sasha to blush and scurry off to get a piece of paper for the address.

They're already most of the way to the front desk by the time Jon realizes just which bookstore Sasha is busy recommending to the man he is dating , and just who owns that particular establishment.

By the time he manages to get downstairs to try to deflect the situation, Gerry is out the door, nothing left but the faint scent of oil paints and leather from his jacket.

***

Tim Stoker leaves Gerry feeling faintly dazed. By the time he stumbles out of the bookstore and into the tea room, elusive book in hand, he's forgotten everything he has ever known in the face of such intense flirting. And Gerry thought he was bad.

Throughout the whole episode at the library, the walk through Chelsea, and the exchange with Tim, Gerry had never once taken a moment to consider that Sasha's friend with a bookstore and Jon's Martin with a bookstore might be the same person.

He chooses to blame the lack of sleep and general disarray that is his life for the oversight.

Which is how, 9:30 in the morning, having been awake for almost 24 hours and completely finished, Gerry walks up to Martin in his tea room and says, "I'll have whatever is pink and in that jug, please. The biggest you've got."

Martin, of course, recognized him immediately. He would have recognized Jon's gothic childhood boyfriend from his social media stalking alone, but Jon's frantic texting was also a pretty big giveaway.

Martin: Relax, I don't bite clients this early in the morning. He's in safe hands with me.

Jon: HE KNOWS THINGS ABOUT ME. Besides, who's gonna stop him from biting you?

Martin: Whatever he has to tell me can’t possibly be worse than the office gossip I heard about you before we even meet.

Jon: W H A T

Now, here Gerry is before him, and he’s quite pleased with what he sees. Even tired and vaguely dazed, his presence in the little room carries a certain energy that Martin enjoys.

"Right away. Take a seat and I'll call you with it." Martin's voice is sweet, but gentle and firm, in a comforting sort of way. Through Gerry's sleepy haze, the instruction makes perfect sense, although he has neither paid nor offered a call name.

Gerry considers taking a seat on the plush bench that occupies one wall, before deciding that he desperately needs a cigarette, and wandering outside.

Technically he is only supposed to smoke at night when he's painting and needs just the right kind of boost, but he decides to call this one since he's on a painting-based errand when he's supposed to be sleeping.

"Gerry?" He turns toward the sound of his name, to find the barista offering him a large to-go cup of what he assumes is fruit ice tea. He frowns at having his name known (his new, much-preferred name, no less) and then frowns at a blonde, bespectacled man in a tea room attached to a bookstore.

His brain finally takes a moment to function, and he puts all the pieces together in an avalanche.

"Martin?" Far from his usual self-confident tone, the single word comes out in a squeak that would make even a toddler wince.

"Yes?" Martin returns the single word in the same solidly reassuring way, and even offers a happy smile.

"I didn't... I didn't recognize you."

"Would be pretty hard for you, considering this is the first we've ever met." Martin's voice is calming in a way that eases Gerry a bit, teasing and all.

"Thank you. For the tea, I mean." Gerry closes his eyes and desperately begs his shit to pull together for him, just this one time. "It's nice to finally meet you."

His hands are fully occupied with a book, a cup of tea, and a cigarette, but Martin doesn't seem particularly bothered by the lack of a hand to shake. "It's nice to meet you too. We're giving Jon a heart attack by doing it without him."

"That is the lawful good," Gerry says, after a long drag of his smoke. "A panicked Jon is a happy Jon, after all. Whatever would he do with himself without a situation to unnecessarily complicate?"

"Yes, the man does seem to thrive on anxiety, doesn't he?" Martin asks warmly, eyes crinkling around a fond smile. "Speaking of, you seem pretty wrecked yourself. Good party, I hope."

Gerry's answering laugh has a razor edge, "Not hardly. This fucking painting I'm working on will be the death of me." Gerry lifts the reference book as proof of trauma and stabs out his cigarette viciously.

"Hmm, sounds like a pain. I hope you typically find art a more enjoyable career?" Martin asks, tilting his head inquisitively. His curly hair moves fetchingly and Gerry catches himself tracking the movement.

"Mostly, yes. Although I keep the bartending gig for variety. You'd be amazed at the sort of inspiration someone can find in the right drunk crowd." Gerry grins, thinking of all the ridiculous things he’d seen walk in and out of the bar in his run there.

"I'd be very interested to see what kind of art you can turn that into. Maybe you'd like to show me sometime?" Martin's words are open and friendly.

Gerry eyes him for a minute, hiding behind a long taste of his drink. He's trying to suss out Martin's motivations, for his kindness and general geniality. The drink is good and it tips Gerry's mood far enough back into cheerfulness that he shrugs off his considerations for the time being.

"You know what," Gerry quips back. "I think I would like to show you sometime. How 'bout tonight."

It's not a question really, with Gerry's typical force of personality behind it, and he leaves the shop with Martin holding an address in his hand and a time to drag Jon over for dinner that evening.

***

Gerry does not make a big deal of Martin coming over. He acts as if any other friend is coming over for dinner.

He tidies, a little. Lights a few candles. Wears pants. The bare minimum really.

He isn't trying to impress anyone, he tells himself sternly.

Except he is, obviously. He doesn't know Martin very well yet, but he does want to keep Jon around, and they are a packaged deal these days. Which he was happy with, truly.

In their limited interaction, Martin had been sweet and put Gerry instantly at ease. He knows, from many years of working a bar, how to spot a dipshit, and feels confident in his assessment of Martin's character.

But, it's his own character that concerns him. People don't always like Gerry past surface interactions. He can be tempestuous and moody, and catching him tired is a pretty bad idea. The combination of artist and mommy issues can be jarring.

He desperately wants those things to not bother Martin though. He wants Martin to like him, and he's not interested in putting on a show to make it happen.

It occurs to Gerry an hour before they're due that he doesn't even remotely know what takeout to order for dinner.

(He knows what Jon will eat, and he obviously knows what he likes, but what about Martin? Why didn't he ask this morning? Why didn't he ask Jon earlier?)

Gerry is just starting to really panic about all the life choices leading up to this moment, when he gets a text from an unknown number, instantly filling him with relief.

Martin: Since you're hosting this time, I'll grab the take-out. Jon says you like Thai, I'll bring that. You got the drinks covered?

Gerry: As long as you drink either coffee, vodka, or water, yes.

Martin: I'm sorry, I subsist only on the blood of virgins.

Gerry: Oh dear. I couldn't tempt you to settle for Earl Grey?

Martin: Hmmm, yes, I'll accept your offerings this time.

***

The first knock comes right on time. Gerry, dressed in his best paint-stained jeans and cherry blossom kimono, opens the door with a flourish.

Martin allows himself to be welcomed in and hands the food off to the dramatic artist, who deposits it on the table where he has already set the tea tray.

"No Jon? Not that I mind quality ‘us’ time, of course."

Martin is busy taking in the rambling studio space and barely spares the attention to respond, although he manages a blush at the flirty tone. "He's, uh, running late. Work stuff. You know Jon."

Gerry smirks at that. "I do indeed. Is it a 'stumble in at 3am' late, or 'we could probably wait to eat' late?"

"Hmmm? Oh, let's wait a bit? If you don't mind." Martin seems equally taken with his painting wall and his book wall and keeps trading his attention between the two. The paintings, being the larger attraction, eventually win, and he meanders over to study them closer.

"Do you keep all the completed paintings around?" His voice is soft and reverent, and Gerry feels a rush of pride for his work.

"For a while. I like to make sure they're in their final forms before I release them into the wild." Martin blinks big brown eyes at him, before grinning and giggling slightly.

"You're very talented. Jon said as much, showed me the pictures, but words and photos are nothing compared to seeing the real thing." Martin really regards his paintings as if they're special, and rather than the prickly feeling of appraisal he feels during gallery nights, it fills Gerry with warmth.

He turns to examine the wall himself. It's filled with an eclectic group at the moment. Large abstracts made by pouring paint and then layering designs over, three-dimensional pieces painted and then embroidered or quilled over in select places, including a particularly wild eye design. Surreal faces and scenes that seem realistic except for the wild subject matter of planets in meadows and chimeras going to battle.

"Is this what comes from your adventures in bartending?" Martin asks Gerry, turning from the wall and towards the slightly taller man.

"That, and my traumatic childhood." Gerry makes sure to laugh at the last, taking the edge off the small confession.

"Obviously." Martin offers.

"Obviously." Gerry accepts.

***

Gerry and Martin drink tea on the floor while they wait for Jon. Gerry gently prods Martin through the story of how he came to open the bookstore. The blonde man even softly confessing that he had to lie on his CV to get the librarian gig at Magnus.

"How old are you? How did you convince them you had a Master's degree?" Gerry is incredulous. Not that he doesn't think Martin could have an advanced degree. But in paranormal research? Gerry hadn't even known that was an option.

"That's the thing! I'm only 29 now . I worked there for five years!" Martin's voice pitches up in disbelief. "I'm still in shock that anyone ever brought it. Desperate times, desperate measures, you know?"

"I do, actually." Gerry shifts slightly, adjusting his balance with the long remembered urge to flee from those desperate times. He fiddles with his teacup to distract himself. He brought this particular set from a pawn shop because the filigree and florals appealed to his love of colour theory. Soft pinks and corals warm against the cool aqua background.

"Jon says you wanted to go to art school when you two were younger."

It's not a question, but merely Martin offering the same space for openness that Gerry had given him.

"I never went. After my A-levels, I had to get away, and I never really stopped moving for long enough to go to uni when I was younger. Now I'm settled and it's not important to me anymore. Besides, no one asks for a copy of my phantom degree when I sell a painting. So I'm happy with how things turned out for the most part." He stops to consider the outline of a possible past for a moment, one where he didn't have to skip college and go ten years without seeing Jon. "Besides, can you imagine a 27-year-old in art school? The young ones would sacrifice me for more creative talent."

Their eyes meet for a moment, and then they laugh easily and move on to different topics, sliding through the easy stages of getting to know each other.

***

Jon does eventually arrive, looking panicked and harried. He de-ages 10 years when he finds them laughing and relaxed instead of tense and awkward.

So, the three of them eat cold Thai take out on the floor of Gerry's loft, leaning against the perfectly good couch. They share the odd intimacy of people who have known each other for very disjointed amounts of time but like each other just the same.

The Loud House Reviews: The Cow-Pie Kid and Saved by the Spell

Welcome back Loudiacs.. I .. don’t know what the fandom calls themselves. And given I dont’ know anyone personally in the fandom and the going into the tag is like living in a living nightmare.. it’s easier to keep workshopping a name till either someone tells me or I find one that sounds right. Loudites.. there we go that didn’t take long. Point is we’re back in The Loud House, In The Loud House for the first regular coverage, i.e. when I cover a show as It comes out of the season. And I was lucky enough to actually see the episode same day this time and with a promo that at least gives me images to work with, so yeah, i’m pretty pumped. And not just because I can cross this one off because SOMEBODY has a birthday tommorow.. no not me, that was last month. 

There ya go. But yeah the show’s back. I’m excited, your excited, i’m scared because nick dosen’t give a clear schedule out ahead of time so i’m left wondering when one’s going to pop up and when to get it on my schedule now I have one... it’s a good time. Seriously though Nick needs to get their scheduling in order. So i’m happy to be back, your happy to have me here, but probably not happy to have spoilers so let’s take this under the cut and we can talk about cow pies, magic, and ... how this block is weirdly almost all lincoln episodes. 

The Cow-Pie Kid:  Yeah.. this was the only bit from cow pie kid I could find. Tons of stuff to mine from for saved by the spell. Nothing for that one. Weird.  Anyways our story opens with Lynn’s baseball team, who we’ve met before.. and include friends who have played other sports with her and that guy she had a crush on for all of five minutes because the writers kinda forgot L is for Love happened for anyone but Luna and Luann. 

Okay look MOST of the love intrests introduced there were not great and while Lincoln needs one NOW, at the time he really did not as the Ronnie Anne thing had not, and still has not, been properly resolved. Still vastly prefer him with Stella and her with Sid, i’m just saying closure would be nice.  Look i’m getting off topic point is one besides Sam, who was great out of the gate and not just for being gay.. though that was a lot of it, and Benny, whose objectively a really sweet kid and damn likeable. Luaggie shippers feel free to boo me, I understand.. dosen’t change my mind or the fact Poly exists to fix that. I mean why not both I ask you.  Besides them, we had Chazz, a loveable chubby guy who Leni was into and worked at clothing store and knew his fashion stuff. and was charmed by her romantic gesture. He just seemd sweet and it was implied via background stuff they were still dating.. but he hasnt’ shown up since despite her working AT the mall and that being her main arc for the last two seasons. 

Just why? What’s wrong with the chubby fashion boy? Why? Did they decide they had too many romance arcs.. at exactly two? I get focusing on sam, because duh, and because that was awesome.. but you’ve had 2 full seasons since then and again Leni and him now work in the same location if not the same store, which in itself is a plot. I don’t ask much from you show.. well okay I do but let me clarify I don’t ask much from you that you could actually do: I know i’m never getting my a diffrent world style spinoff with lori and bobby. I know Zach is going nowhere and i’m just going to have to get over it, I will not, but I DO know you could include chaz and just won’t. So do that at least. I will put up with several more seasons of Zach if it means this adorable love story continues. It’s even easy enough to pick up this late: they are both stupid. Work with that. Gah... coach if you’d please. 

Thanks coach. Okay so one tangent later we’re back to the episode. Point is her team is loosing even though Lynn’s the captain now, and while she’s perfectly encouraging it’s not winning games. Lynn is understandably dejected in the car not helped by the sports commentor guys from the game... commenting about it on the radio...

I mean.. I get sports can have dry spots and all that but who covers a middle school basketball team on the radio that isn’t the middle school radio station. I mean I genuinely can’t decide which is more sad... a radio personality doing a children’s baseball game on his own show, or having so much trouble getting one that he’s apperaing on the middle school radio show. And I COULD say it’s just a guest spot but he’s talking like he knows what’s going on intmatiley> Did his daughter ask him to? I mean I know radio’s fallen pretty far but I dind’t think it was that much in the basement. Do a podcast at least man. 

Okay before I go on another Tangent point is Lynn feels it’s her fault as Captain.. which granted whoever the coach is should be .. but it genuinely looks like they don’t HAVE a coach. Maybe they had to sack him to pay for the newly refrubished av department? I dunno. Point is she feels bad and Lynn Sr vows to cheer her up.. before stopping for farm fresh eggs. Which.. yeah can’t blame him. He’s a cook, and Liam’s family likely has good prices. He can buy for both home and restraunt at once. I mean he has a van and only one occupant at the moment. Don’t judge him.  But this little detour DOES help Lynn’s mood. Her problem is the team lacks a decent pitcher, since Lynn herself was banned for throwing one at a heckling goat. The Lawsuit is ongoing and that made me laugh a lot. But Lynn finds Happy Gilmore style that Liam.. has a really great arm. Granted instead of actuall balls it’s with cowpies because this series really loves a shit joke, hence the title and the new nickname for liam, the cow pie kid.. but compared to some of the series toilet humor it’s a lot less in your face. But with Liam being so good Lynn can’t help but sign him to the team and Liam being a sweetie pie is happy to agree.  I have.. not hid even for a second how much I liked Liam or wanted him, and Stella, to show up outside of Lincoln episodes more often, or even get his own again. That day.. has come. Not only does LIam now have a roll entirely outside his friend group, but this episode’s about him and Lynn together.. not in that way.. yet. Someday.. Point is my boy is in the spotlight and I could not be happier.   And thankfully.. Lynn’s at her best. What I feared would be an episode about her overtraining him and making him not enjoy the game, htat old chesnut instead.. she just genuinely helps mentor him. She’s tough but fair as she helps him get his aim right as he’s used to firing Cow Pie’s, so the weight distrbution is off. So she helps train him and .. it’s really cute honestly, with her genuinely helping him and showing a softer side and later realizing she had him thinking about it too hard and just having him not think.. and going by instinct naturally works for a carefree and easygoing guy like liam. Wouldn’t be suprised if he went ultra instinct eventually.. but that’s for another episode. They also have a pig pile together.. which sounds bad but is just pigs piling on liam and lynn gladly gets on top of the pigs and god that sounds worse. next scnee. 

So Liam gets ahead and becomes the star pitcher for the zanarkand abes.. I mean the Royal Woods Kangaroos, and they just keep wining and wining and wining. Their like glomgold: all they do is win... but probably with less attempted corpse dancing. Problem is as we see during the montage Liam’s arm is slowly but surley getting cramped and while he wins hte next game.. his arm gives out from noodle arm. The good news is with rest, he can fix it, as her injury prone friend Paula, whose somehow allowed to play with crutches despite ALL the legal and moral issues that raises explains. but they don’t have days to rest it. So insane plans it is!  So Lynn goes to her sisters for herlp..specifically lisa int he hopes her mad science can either fix his pain or turn him into the hulk. Neither happens.. yet. I mean LIam is so sweet if he IS a hulk, we won’t know yet. But the green door will.. it always knows. IT ALWAYS KNOWS.  Lynn bemonas her luck.. before Lucy appears!

I JUST said last month when reviewing 11 louds a leapin that I missed the duo of her and lynn and lo and behold here we are. While we dno’t get much of the two fo them, it is still nice to see Lynn suprised by her scares and Lucy trying to use the dark arts to heal his pain.. which actually works. Lucy’s upgraded from wants to be a witch to full witch. 

So yeah her dark magic works and now Liam is fine just fine as the championship game approaches. Until naturally it isn’t. While Lucy STOPPED the pain, she didn’t make anything better, just numbed it so Liam’s arm’s pretty bad and Lisa suggests there’s a 70 perfecnt chance he’ll wreck it if he does so.. and while Lynn is naturlaly, given one of her main traits is asshole, ready to risk that.. she realizes she can’t. Rusty is on her team following her orders.. and no matter how good a W feels.. she can’t trade in someone’s health for one. Honestly bettter than most sports managers ngl. So Paula subs in and misses, loosing them the game.. but Lynn. takes it in stride, having realized she can win next year and having finally realized what being the leader REALLY means. She can work on paula’s curve, give Liam a break, and win next time... which she’ll have because time dosen’t work normally in this show’s dimension and a solid timeline is just a pipedream, so she probably has another year of being 14 to redo this and has become aware of it. I’m scared and excited for what that means.  Liam celebrates with a pig pile of two and we get a REALLY fucking cute shot of the two being happy and what not before a pig jumps on them still though.. yeah I ship it now. Liam taps into the space where I thought a black void of misery and douchebaggery was but ti turns out is in fact a heart, something few can do with Lynn and Lynn can protect him form bullies and is perfectly suited for his rough hewn farmboy styles. Point is their cut.e And so was this episode. IT was a really nice return to the series and it was again REALLY fucking great to see one of Lincoln’s firend,s and one of the GOOD ones at that, get a starring roll without him. HOpefully this keeps up and hopefully we see more of these two. 

Saved by the Spell:

RUSTY SPOKES IS TRASH (Ring) I don’t have a saved by the spell font that’ll have to do. Point is he is but before we get to Rusty being Rusty, Lincoln is doing magic tricks at the table. 

Point is he’s excited to do it at the talent show. The next day his friends discuss doing something to make them look cool to everyone. WHich.. kids. i’ll level with you. You. are. NERDS. As a massive one in both size and nerdiness myself, there’s nothing wrong with that. 2/3 of you are lovely people. You’ll be fine. But you are geeks, and should be proud of that.. not so proud you evolve into an incel or it’s adjacent form of assholes mind you, but still proud of who you are. You are never going to be that cool by trying to appeal to everyone. Just be yourslef and the cool comes naturaly. Like kool aid, which is naturally made by milking the Kool Aid man. Be you. 

But instead they decide to do a dance routine which..  let’s face it.. is probably just this spread across 6 people...

Point is maybe don’t do that. Also when Clyde does a dorky but endearing dance and says their going to shake their groove things, Rusty pipes in with “But cool”... and while sadly not as glorious as EVERYONE looking enitrely done with him like last time we saw this tool, Clyde clearly still does while the rest of hte Lincrew have no idea what the hell he’s on. I think their just.. numb to his stupidity and ego at this point.  But when Lincoln shows off his magic they all hide him, fearing that magic.. is well for younger kids and this won’t play so well. Which isn’t an invalid fear: this is middle school and from personal experince, middle school can be hell.. and also one of hte best years of my life which shows the vast gulf between the two schools I was in but was also not the point. the point is kids can be cruel and maybe don’t do this. But lincoln gonna do it anyway because he has confidence.. and frankly given there was an ENTIRE episode about being yourself instead of putting on an asshole suit of armor to avoid being hurt, which Lynn finally took off again last episode, he’s right.. but the rest of them all feel THEIR ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU. and since they don’t know if he has latent psychic powers or not can’t risk him getting pigs blood dumped on him so they plan to find some way to trick him out of it.. Clyde of course gets his stomach in nots because he’s not good with schemes or lying ot his best friend, both of which this is and requires. 

Also Stella’s in the lead, as she should be. And she helps as her positive attudie makes what their doing come off as it should: KINDA douchey, but not intentionally so, they just worry about hteir freind getting pummled.. possibly by his own sister but now sh’es possibly with Liam that’s probably not as much of a worry. Or Chandler but frankly he’s going to do that no matter what.. and is probably getting his ass kicked himself by older kids who won’t toldeate his bs, so your clear. But their fears while a bit unfounded are understandable and well inteitoned if misguided, as we don’t know LIncoln’s act at this point or how well it’d go over with a mostly tweenager crowd, who can be the best as we’ve seen in recent tv.. or aboslutel monsters.. same deal. You either get Luz or you get BOscha, the inbetween is rare. 

So cue our usual setup of a bunch of attempts to do something in a row, but like I said while i’m not a fan of reptition if it’s done well enough it works and with it’s rather sizeable supporting cast , LIncoln and Friends episodes usdually do make it work. In this case it does as each of the sensational 6, lincoln and clyde asid,e try their hand at it. Liam, being the golden child, just has the most direct and obvious route: swipe his magic stuff.. and runs off without letting them talk it out but unlike Rusty in the next attempt, his plan was actually viable.. he just gets tangled up in the scarves and taps out.  Rusty is next ....and his idea is to.. show lincoln his killer dance moves to convince him normally. 

Yup pretty much that. And somehow out of the four plans, RUSTY’S is the only one that dosen’t bring up any serious moral quandries. I know i’m shocked too. He just thinks his moves will do it when no they won’t, please stop it hurts to watch and I can’t turn the fuck away. This is my job you redheaded kanker sore! Gah it thankfully ends and is unsurisingly unsuccesful. 

Also unsuprisingly, i’ve been waiting since i got that image to use it on Rusty. And as a third dollop of unsuprise I did not have to force it in any way shape or form. Point is it’s Zach’s turn as during the last two he’s been pushing really hard to use some form of brainwashing on his friend.. yes .. really. 

Thought Rusty would be the first loud house character to get that one but hey if the shoe fits. Seriously I thought rusty was the creep among them but at least you know.. altering someone’s throughts to suit your own isn’t his go to move. Being excetsivly cocky and coming on too strong is but still better to take THAT out of the Zach Morris playbook than “brainwash people into dooing whatever you say because tha’ts not creeptagious.” And unsurpsingly it does not work.. on Lincoln it woroks on Meyrl for some reason. Thankfully it dosen’t though just.. Zach needs no power epsiecally over the mind. 

So UNSUPRSINGLY, Stella has the working plnan.. and also unsuprisingly the last three just did theres by running off, running off and shouting the loudest. Again somehow Rusty is NO LONGER the most obnoxious one of the group. Zach won that title this episode. He’s still the most pathetic.. but i’m the most done with Zach who adds nothing to the dynamic or the planet or anything and I wish would just go away. Your home planet needs you. 

But yeah Stella has the winning idea: pretending to be “Yodel Boy”, a student who was humilated at a talent show last year, proving sh’es not only a decent actress (I mean it’s obvious i’ts stella in a wig, padding and lederhosen, but points for the accent being okay and hey she’s in middle school), but also the smartest of them. Only one of those is a suprise. It works and Lincoln agrees. 

So the night of the talent show they’ve caught him up to speed and prepare to celebrate, only for clyd eto open the wrong locker and reveal the yodel boy suit. WHy it was in there instead of at Stella’s house where this wouldn’t happen?

But yeah the cat’s out of the bag and lincoln leaves, depressed his friends think that little of him and lied to him. Which.. yeah completely fair. They tried talking to him, it did not work.. they shoudl’ve just left it at that. It would’ve SUCKED if he got bullied true, but it was his choice to go out there and take a risk and do what he loves. As someone whose constnatly self concious and had to fight to start writing like i’m doing now, I envy that kind of youthful confidence and thus wholly support him. 

And finally.. so do his friends. Realizing they’ve been kinda crappy, they introduce lincoln instead and work as his assitants.. and.. it works. Stella gets sawn in half, Zach gets astounded by a card trick, and Liam wears a bunny outfit which is just.. precious. Good boy. Best boy. It’s a huge hit.. and we also get to seesome of the new background kids including one with pink hair who looks kinda nb. I’m just saying one of you should take a crack at them, they seem nice. But for now our heroes are haield as heroes, and the other 5 apologize to lincon and they do their now cemented and fucking adorable group hug. Happy ending to a pretty great episode, with decent gags, a good relatable plot, and Rusty being just the right amoutn of obnoxious. Good stuff.  So that does it for this week. If you liked this review like or reblog it, check out my other work and come back later today for some duck content. and every week once the show returns. Until the next rainbow, it’s been a pleasure. 

Umbrella Academy S2 R a n t

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Note: This is totally my opinion. Don’t like, don’t read. Also, I haven’t read any of the comics. This is all based on the Netflix series. Please don’t attack me. 

I’d say, season 2 was a jumble. It was quite dizzying. The characters had many ups and downs in developments. The transitions were so w t f. There were too many arcs. The relationships were. . . And the plot had such a similar theme to the first season. With that, let’s dive in. 

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CHARACTERS

I’ll go into the characters each in a bit but here’s an overview. The characters were sort of a mess? I’d say in terms of the main characters, Allison, Vanya and Ben were the best (Ben wasn’t even there frequently). The worst being our Luther and Klaus? (Don’t get me wrong he’s one of my favorite characters but I think this season did him quite dirty?) 

-Number 1/Luther: MOON BOY!!! Yeah no I really didn’t enjoy watching him this season. Actually scratch that I didn’t enjoy watching him in season 1 either. It’s nothing against his daddy issues, I’m sure most if not all of the main characters have them. It’s just how he deals with it? His want for a father figure goes on to a mafia rich guy named “Jack” who he got acquainted with after getting stuck. I’m all for finding father figures who’d treat you better than the original but seriously? Lmao we don’t even see Jack after abandoning him for one lost fight. Which I guess parallels to Mr Hargreeves abandoning him but weren’t we supposed to let Luther develop? Idk, He’s just such a lost puppy. As well as his is addiction for Allison. It’s just so unhealthy I c a n ‘ t. I just couldn’t see his development. Hell, he disagrees for saving the world then goes on to do random ass stuff that is so unnecessary. I visibly groaned whenever he was on screen. Not caring about the apocalypse? Fine. Getting high with Elliot? oKaY. Telling Diego to find the siblings while he tries to coax Five, only to fall asleep? WHATEVER. Just, why did they have to make him so useless sometimes. The scene where he was with both young and old Five, he just bullshitted around. LIKE I’M SORRY LUTHER BUT PLEASE. His power was quite confusing too? He got shot by the bullet but survived a nuclear missile huh?? Anyways, the actor playing him did a great job. There were scenes I really just wanted to sigh but Luther looked so cute like a lost puppy. 

-Number 2/Diego: In the first few episodes, I was extremely iffy with him. Some of it came from the fact that season 1 Diego was just so ;-;. Anyways, his obsession to save Kennedy was a bit out of hand. I get it, he wanted to save a life he knew that was in trouble, especially one so important. But I wish he stopped to think first. I mean, he chose that over the end of the world HAHA. Mm though I suppose I think I started enjoying watching him more when he reunited with Mother? Speaking of the mother, his interactions with her were so cute. He loves her so much and just seeing her there alive..I don’t know he was more sympathetic. That Team Zero shit was so sweet even if it didn’t pull through. He became much sweeter though still an idiot. As always, he had daddy issues too and I wish we dwelled more into that. Seeing him vulnerable was nice. Also him entering the commission was so badass?? Like damn. I guess his character grew a bit more this season which I’m satisfied with. 

-Number 3/Allison: I loved her so much this season. She was such a badass queen. There were rarely scenes I’d facepalm at. I think it’s because Ray brought out a much better side in her. She was the most stable of all the siblings but I don’t think that says much. Her marriage was a bit out of hand at one point, I’m glad she was able to fix it. HOWEVER, the scenes where she abused her power was very irritating. It was never mentioned again. They brought it up but didn’t do anything with it. That can be highly used against black people as a whole. She did that in a room full of white people and I can only think of the consequences that could leave for their movement. Or it will go unaddressed. But I hope that isn’t the case. 

-Number 4/Klaus: I love this man. He’s one of my favorite characters as a whole. But. . . what the fuck happened this season? It’s like all his development by the end of season 1 was just tossed out the window. He was sober and although he didn’t like it, he was one of the ones who kept trying to bring their siblings to the problem. It’s just his sober self in season 2 just gave me vibes of his drunk self in season 1. I guess it’s more on his personality and who he is but it was so interesting to see him when he was trying. Instead, I watched him lead a cult. It shows that he’s really not the leadership kind because he doesn’t know what he’s doing with himself, better yet how is he going to lead a cult? I guess he needed some way to survive but damn. Also I thought Dave, if not his siblings, was going to be his first priority. I know he ended up finding Dave already but why was he after the cult.  Klaus half the time he didn’t do anything. There was a big waste of power for Klaus because he wasn’t even able to use his to full capacity. There was that one shot where he was falling and caught by other ghosts which was the only time other ghosts were seen. The only time he used his power. The season 1 ending had such an OP Klaus but it led me to expect more from him this season. Like, remember that point where they were trying to reach Vanya but it was from Allison to Diego to Klaus to Ben. The part when it was Klaus’s turn, I really think he could’ve used his powers to have the ghosts push him. He was giving himself the talk and everything and then he just flew back only for Ben to just stare. And as seen, Ben wasn’t affected by the whoosh the ghosts thing could’ve worked. He ended up feeling a bit like a plot device for Ben this season. I really hope in season 3, he’ll be able to develop his powers and develop himself as a character. Also for the record, I cannot believe he didn’t tell anyone of Ben?? I remember that clip with the “Klaus, is Ben here?” and he responded with ghosts can’t time travel and jazz. I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST A JOKE?? But he ended up n o t telling AT ALL. Like I love you Klaus but your brother misses your family too. I was just so frustrated at him this season.

-Number 5/Five: This boy is one of my other favorites. He’s just so fun to watch. I guess it does with the amount of times he warps and uses his powers. His development on his powers were 10/10. In terms of personality, he’s still the same old grumpy pants but the amount of times I wanted to reach the screen and shake him I swear. I know he rushes so much but I remember he was watching a stripper or singer or something in the place where Luther was and was that really the time? He needs to tell his siblings before rushing head first. Funny how he keeps saying let’s think of a plan but as soon as he has one he goes with it. The Reginald Hargreeves plan wouldn’t even be able to go if not for the invitation. I swear this boy always has something going on which is why it’s so fun to watch him all the time. He just wants to save his family. And he’s just throwing hands every time a plan fucks up it’s funny and then he starts a new one. I’m sure he blames himself a lot for getting his family stuck. I wish he had time to develop his mental state. But I understand he was busy all the time. Though to be honest, Allison is probably the only stable one, they all needs help. Hmm I’d say he grew a bit more from the first season, though again the first few episodes of this one were sorta infuriating because he was basically repeating what he did in the first. I hope he can finally rest in the third season or at least take a b r e a k(HAmiLton). They made him super badass already, I’d love to see more of it but I want to see him more when he gets to actually talk to his siblings about anything else. I look forward to his season 3 arc.

-Number 6/Ben: HE WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL CINNAMON ROLL THIS SEASON I LOVE HIM. The one iffy part was when he possessed Klaus and was about to have s e x in Klaus’s body and not give back his body LMFAO. Poor baby just wanted to feel it though. He missed it so much and he missed his family so much. HE ONLY GOT TO REUNITE WITH DIEGO AND VANYA. Both times, hit just as hard. Though Diego never asked about him again probably because Vanya told them all about how he...Ugh, I wish he was there more to interact with the other siblings. KLAUS THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD’VE TOLDKFHJD. His scenes were so precious. My heart cried when he passed away to Heaven. He was just so gentle with Vanya. You’re my sister. AGH CHILLS. He was such a beautiful sibling to Vanya and I hate it so much how he wasn’t able to have more.  He was a true hero. He should’ve had more scenes. I don’t know what season 3 is going to bring for the “new” Ben but he looks more aggressive and edgy than the old ones so I’m not going to have any expectations. 

-Number 7/Vanya: This girl is always in such pain, it was nice to see her happy for once. Though I am a bit iffy with the relationship with her and Sissy because it looks like there’s an age gap but I don’t know, I’ll go more into it later. No, it’s not because they’re two girls, I’m bisexual myself. Anyways speaking of gender, most fans say she’s bisexual but I’d head canon her to be pan sexual more than bi. I feel like she really doesn’t give a fuck about who she is with as long as they love each other and that’s sweet. We stan representations. As for her character, hmm she was okay. She’s still unstable but in the end she’s just a hurt baby that’s been through a l o t and just wants a family. I’m glad she was able to use her powers more. High key Elsa vibes. She was not bad this season but I wish she knew how much she couldn’t bring them. The extent of the time travel world. But I know she just wanted love after having such a lack of it. I hope to see her get love she deserves in season 3. More specifically, self-love. Because these past 2 seasons, she’s been putting so much on that one person that I want to see what she does for herself. Maybe pick up that violin and go girl~

In terms of side characters, 

*THEY PUT HAZEL THERE FOR TWO MINUTES AND THEN HE DIED. WHAT. I know it’s probably better that way but damn, he was one of my favorites. I’m glad he was able to live a peaceful life with Agnes. He deserved it

*RAY IS MY MAN I LOVE THIS MAN SO MUCH! He stays calm and collected most of the time. He does what’s right. He’s a much better choice than Luther. I’m sad we had to let him go but it was going to come sooner or later.

*Lila..She was such an intriguing character. Just, she was so dumb at some points, especially near the end. I wish she thought more analytically. I guess she’s like a more emotional female version of Five. Her fight with Five was pretty cool. She probably got with Diego because they’re mummy’s children HAHA. Her powers were so bad ass though. We’re prolly going to see more of her in the third season which I look forward to. 

*Reginald Hargreeves, bruh are you an alien. 

*Pogo.. He was cute but I thought we’d see more of him.  But I mean he’s just a baby so I guess eh. 

*Mom was beautiful, she DESERVES MORE SCENES INSTEAD OF EVERY 2 EPISODES FOR 2 MINUTES. 

*The Handler was not bad I suppose. I mean I loved her in the first season. But here she wasn’t as terrifying anymore. She’s a hella good manipulator but of course it was going to bite her in the back. I was honestly looking forward to fish guy though. I hope she stays dead just so that we can see our future villains. 

*Speaking of the fish, he was sort of useless. We didn’t get to see any action of him. He’s just a f i s h. We won’t ever know if he was as good at his job as the handler or what not but that’s because he did n o t h i n g. A F I S H. 

*The Swedish villains, they were eh. Not gonna lie, the first few episodes or so, they were hella boring. Not as fun as Hazel(WHO THEY KILLED IN THE FIRST FEW MINS) and Cha Cha. But their sibling ship was really heart felt. And every time one died.. Just ;-;.

*Herb was such a precious soul. I hope he doesn’t die in season 3. 

I think the problem was that some of the characters were just on standby half the time. 

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RELATIONSHIPS

The way they treated and interacted with each other is what makes the story so appealing, the familial, platonic and romantic. The relationships here were fine but I just wanted to bring them up. 

Romantic

-Allison and Ray: What a 9-10/10 couple. The reason why is because there’s a line Allison said that made me so...what? I remember when she reunited with Luther she said something along the lines of “I just, I needed something to hold on to. And Ray gave me that” SIS. That sounds like such REBOUND energy. It doesn’t sound like she chose Ray, it sounds like she needed someone to depend on and Ray was there. I’m sure their relationship grew eventually but to say that about him to her ex or whatever they are. She’s in a vulnerable state, and to say something as minor as I needed him does not seem healthy. Relationships shouldn’t always be a need-need relationship. Allison needs to be her independent person and fall in love when she’s ready. If she’s just doing it because she needs someone to hold onto. What kind of love is that? Aside from that note, their whole relationship is so precious. I love how much Ray stays by Allison but he doesn’t take her bullshit. Like he is strict with knowing the truth because he needs to know he can trust her and that she can trust him. And you know what, she pulled through and told him. Because she loves him. I’m glad they didn’t kill him off or separate them because of Luther. It’s sweet.

-Diego and Lila: I didn’t like it until we knew of who Lila was. Because honestly if Diego got with her, that’d reflect on how much he changed from dating a cop to a complete psycho. But no, there’s more depth in Lila which made her interesting. Their dance scene right after was so nice. It was like a fight for dominance and it reflected how they thought of each other. Though, when she started choosing Five over Diego it went downhill. Diego was so lost because Lila didn’t trust him with whatever shit. Lila was just going around playing mummy’s girl and getting flustered whenever the handler mentioned him. It made her look young. Then when she captured Diego and called him boyfriend I got so lost. Then later Diego calls them exes. THEN WE FIND OUT THEY’RE ALSO BORN ON THE SAME DATE. They’re not as bad as Luther and Allison but still, they could’ve been siblings. Their relationship goes up and down so I’m not really sure what to think. I don’t see Lila bringing out the better side of Diego. I only see Diego doing it. I think Patch was a better fit because she was emotionally stable. But maybe when Lila gets her shit together then perhaps?? 

-Vanya and Sissy: Uh...This is definitely going to be an unpopular opinion(im saying that as if most of what I said is not unpopular) but this relationship gave me eh vibes. Like I don’t really know what to say about this one. I’m all for LGBTQ+ representation and of course Vanya being happy but. I think, again, Vanya must be her own girl. She shouldn’t be someone to be protected or get validation from protecting. She should be her own girl fighting and figuring out herself. I think another iffy thing is Sissy was a mother who was stuck in a bad marriage. My thing with that trope is that usually, the love interest saving the mother is someone who’s ready to take them. Yes I know Sissy shouldn’t have to live unhappily. But depending on a girl who doesn’t have self-independence, emotionally unstable with her own unstable family. Yeah, no wonder Sissy didn’t come with. Just the deal is Vanya depended on her like a lost child with a mother. It looks motherly. I’m not judging from looks, I’m judging from the treatment. Plus, their first kiss, they were drunk. That’s a sign within itself. Yes, they didn’t regret it in the morning. But Sissy was in a vulnerable state. She was crying. And I guess I thought it was going to be eased in like “I’m really happy you’re in my life Vanya.” BWAM KISS. Instead it went like “You tell me how you let her go. Tell me and I’ll do it.” “Sissy I can’t--” KISS. THAT DOESN’T SOLVE THE PROBLEM, in fact she interrupted Vanya because she was so emotionally drained. All the emotions and weight of it, into that kiss. It’s not like a drunken confession, she’s crying about a problem beforehand. Not a problem on her sexuality, but a problem on her life. And... kissing doesn’t make all the pain go away. Running away doesn’t make the pain go away. I don’t understand the message this show is trying to give us for this but I don’t like it. I know they were aiming for simple life simple family but.. as said, it’s never going to be simple.

-Klaus and Dave: I just felt sad. This was so pitiful. They did them so dirty. Also, I know it’s not the show’s fault because they changed actors but Dave looked so young. In season 1, he looked about the same age as Klaus if not older.. In season 2, he looks like a precious baby boy. Like, I know they changed actors but I couldn’t get the vibe out of my head. But back to the main point. I feel like their relationship was sadder. Dave ended up going earlier. As well as he might avoid anyone who looks like Klaus because it would sort of be creepy. What hurt most is when Dave punched him. That hurts. Poor Klaus, again, he didn’t even get to say goodbye properly. He has to deal with losing him again but since we get less Klaus scenes this season, we can only speculate. I wish they could be together but they never could. One of the saddest love stories. 

-Ben and Jill: I want Ben to be happy, I really do. But... he’s dead. He was doomed to have no love interest from the start. Though it is cute to see him crush over her. But the concept it a bit weird you know? He possessed Klaus to get to her and he was about to have sex in Klaus’s body. That says a l o t. Plus we didn’t really get to explore Jill as a character. So I didn’t really care about her and we prolly won’t ever. But I hope wherever Ben is now, he can vibe peacefully.

-Allison and Luther: I hate this. They’re siblings. It’s not all of them being under the same roof, it’s all of them being raised by someone who adopted them together. IT DOESN’T MATTER IF NOT BIOLOGICAL. I’m so glad it got called out this season. Though, it’s so hard to see them as just siblings now because of how often it gets called out. But no. just no.

-Sissy and Carl: Um. I don’t know what to think but both of them were unstable af. I wonder why Sissy married him in the first place if she didn’t want to commit to him. I guess Carl was a different person? Hmm, he manipulated her for sure but that’s because he wanted the family to stay together. Around the time he was about to shoot her that’s when it was clear they weren’t a fit at all. But I think Carl could have improved before that scene with Vanya. Fucking disgusting. But, honestly before that scene I couldn’t tell if he was genuine or not. Cause, he did look like he loved Sissy while Sissy would give off looks. It’s pitiful. But eh, this is the unhappy marriage trope so...

-Reginald and Grace: This was heart breaking. I genuinely loved seeing emotion on Reginald and Grace was a perfect match. When they broke up I AGH. I wish they had more moments. 

Familial(I’m highlighting important ones but feel free to skip) There were less. and there was a LACK OF FIVE AND KLAUS. Their dynamic was one of my favorites in the first season. 

-Luther and Vanya: I was hesitant in their reunion. Mainly due to the fact that we get a panel of Luther holding a gun. But, I’m glad he didn’t end up doing anything. I’m also glad he apologized. Their relationship is unsteady but it’s growing ish. But aside from the first few episodes, we don’t really get much. I’m just glad he’s not being shitty to her.

-Luther and Five: Ngl Luther’s incompetence gets made up from Five’s competence. It’s funny. When there were two five’s it was so f u n n y. Luther was just panicking everywhere. He was like “He hAs A  pOiNt” and then like “oh no we’re going to kill him???!??!”. It’s cute I guess. Though when they first reunited, it was annoying as hell. I thought their dynamic was going to be lame but this wasn’t bad I suppose. 

-Luther and Diego: Hehe. They are highkey two brain cells left energy. If I remember correctly, the first season contained them fighting over what to do or who’s “leader”. They didn’t have as much moments this season but I remember Diego chasing after Luther when Luther threw hands. It was cute in a sibling-y way.  They were okay. I mean, as okay as any unstable family but it was nice seeing their meaningless little fights out of the way.

-Diego and Five: It was like arcs talking to each other. Diego was basically representing “Save Kennedy!” while Five was like “END OF THE WORLD”. Lucky for them that it was connected. But if it wasn’t, imagine that huge waste of time. Anyways, they were okay-ish. Five didn’t want to deal with Diego’s shit half the time but that’s just Five. Their connection grew after Diego went to the commission because I mean, they can now both relate. However, Diego only stayed there for a little bit while Five stayed there longer. And Diego was only recruited because his “girlfriend” wanted him. But either way, they now have something more to talk about.

-Diego and Ben: This was a cute heartfelt moment. And.. honestly I wanted more. Not just with Diego and Ben but with Ben and well EVERYONE. But at least this small moment was given. Just, Diego’s realization that it’s Ben. His dead brother. It hurt you know. 

-Allison and Klaus: This duo I swear. I don’t really like it because I’d say these two are the chillest aside from Vanya. Their reunion was really sweet true but the way they dealt with problems? Allison is the more sane of the two yet Klaus’s influence helps her relax. However, Klaus is unstable and Allison didn’t really help him exactly. She just drank with him. Yes, she asked him how he was. But right after she goes to drinking. EVEN BEN WAS SMILING WHEN SHE PUT DOWN THE FLASK. And then she promoted more booze. That’s a way of coping for some people. But, I don’t think the time was right. Klaus was trying to be sober. I don’t think promoting what he’s not trying to be is a good idea, especially at that time. Then for Allison, I mean as Klaus said himself “Allison, your marriage is in trouble and your rally turned into a riot”. She shouldn’t be drinking either. She should be thinking of what to do. It doesn’t take until later. 

-Allison, Vanya and Klaus: Their dance was really cute. I loved it so much. It’s what I wanted from season 2 in the first place. The siblings to have fun with no weight of the world on them. Allison and Vanya’s reunion was so sweet. I loved every second except the part where they got drunk and started to be like LeT’S coNfEss mY lOVe. But, it did get the plot along. I’m just happy they found solitude in each other while their other brothers were a fidgety mess.

-Five, Diego and Luther: Speaking of that fidgety mess, these three were all over the place. There were some funny moments like Five being so done and changing his clothes. While Diego and Luther were like h u h ? And they also had moments where they talked about daddy issues. Also when Luther and Diego found Elliot dead and threatened a person until Five came was hilarious.

-Klaus and Ben: Ngl, I found this relationship very bitter because KLAUS WOULDN’T LISTEN. Ben keeps trying to say something or prove what he should do but Klaus keeps ignoring his remarks. It’s very unhealthy especially when Klaus has the upper hand. He doesn’t even give Ben the chance to interact with his other siblings. While Ben misses them dearly. It’s heartbreaking to watch. 

-Five and Vanya: I LOVED THAT MOMENT WHERE THEIR POWERS BATTLED. Even if it was for a split second, it looked so cool. Anyways, I don’t have much to say on this one because they didn’t interact as much I’d say but it was chill. A chill siblingship. Though, Five was being rude when he completely disregarded the fact that Vanya has people she care about in that time. He was too focused on the end of the world and that’s okay but he has to understand his siblings. I’m not using it against him though, he doesn’t exactly know how to read signs. But when you put them together by the end, it’s nice seeing Vanya having more control of who she is instead of being pushed around.

-Five and Reginald: It’s interesting. Five hasn’t seen his father in a long time and there he is. And, he’s scared or if not scared then hesitant, really hesitant. His father is someone who treated him like shit but he is someone who also raised him and has the knowledge to who he is.Of all the people, he looks to him when there’s no other choice. It’s interesting to see this because Five rarely hesitates. And seeing a man who has no real threat to him in that timeline but he knows how much he has hurt him. It’s breathtaking. Among all his children, I’d say Reginald gravitates to Five the most because as said he’s the most reasonable. As most theories for season 3 would suggest, Reginald probably chooses different kids because he’s seen how fucked up his kids are in the past. But, he talked to Five and I just wonder why he’d not choose him. I guess just speculation that Five was also fucked up. Anyhow, their bar scene was nice. It was simple yet had a lot of weight to it, especially to Five. Another scene I liked is when Five was spying on Reginald in the closet thing and Reginald stared at it. It was a shot of them looking at each other with Reginald having the authority while Five hides. It’s a nice frame to think on and what it means for them. 

-Vanya and Ben: I FUCKING LOVED THIS. Even if it was one scene, I could replay it all day. Because Vanya, a woman who has been numerously ignored or pushed aside as a threat by her own family, finally has one family member who thoroughly cares...And he’s dead. She’s been through so much and no one ever seems to take her as her own person which is so depressing to watch. Until Ben. Ben was so peaceful and gentle with her. He knew she could explode at any moment but he also knew that she’s hurting and scared so God damn much. She feels like there’s something wrong with her and she doesn’t even feel like she’s deserving to live. And Ben took the time to phrase it gently but had so much weight to it because of how true it is. “You aren’t a monster, you’re my sister.”He reassures her that she is not something to be afraid of, not a ticking bomb. But a person who he loves deeply, his sister. He reassures her she’s not alone. He makes sure of that and he lets her know he believes in her. I just loved that so much. He was the only one who reached out when it felt like everyone was against her. And she opened up to him because he was the only one who would listen. That’s so touching and I’m so glad they had that moment. I’d say that was the best moment in the whole season. Their relationship says it all in that one scene. 

-All of them: It would be such crack energy + daddy issues whenever they were all in the same room. It was entertaining but half the time they fought or bickered so it sometimes didn’t go anywhere. I wish they had more fight scenes though because they’d look united as a family whenever they were against the same enemy. But I suppose we’ll have to wait for season 3 to see that.

Other

-Five and the Handler: The Handler character gives major pedo vibes. So it’s very uncomfortable when we watch her have those little touches on Five. It’s very meticulous in showing their relationship. Five doesn’t want anything to do with her while the handler just keeps getting closer. Their fights back and forwards remind me of Sherlock and Moriarty. It’s all big game and gamble. Though for Five and the Handler it’s less of a game. It’s fun to watch I suppose but I would’ve liked to see another force opposing Five aside from just The Handler all the time. She’s a good contrast to his character though. He always refers to her when there’s nothing else. And we get to see his soft side with his siblings and how he wants to keep saving them and how he always emphasizes it. 

-Five and Lila: Half the time if not most, Five wanted nothing to do with her. It was hilarious in a sense that Five was oblivious for most of it. Lila was a pained girl who had anger to take out. And Five was there, being an asshole. Yeah, in the mental side, Five was a bitch while Lila being emotional is not a good match. Their power fights were really hard-core, I loved it. Their original connection was through the handler and Diego then morphed into the whole killing parents thing. It was fun. 

-Five and Five: This was hilarious. Too fucking good. Though, it gave me headaches thinking of all the times where if this Five dies then... Plus this time older Five has the correct formula now which could change? But that’s for a different timeline now or universe. I enjoyed watching them. When they were “fighting” it played one of my childhood bops. They oppose each other so well that it’s so comedic. It’s a nice touch.

-The Handler and Lila: Mother Gothel and Rapunzel or Thanos and Gamora vibes-- Anyhow, their relationship was very manipulative but hey that’s the handler’s specialty. It was okay, just a regular villain deceiving lost child trope. Though this one had more loyalty on Lila. For, this one had more love put into it. I’m not sure exactly if the handler loved Lila for real but we see shots where she takes care of Lila and takes pictures on her in a pretty dress. That’s cute which is understandable to why Lila is always so hesitant in picking between what she wants and what her mother wants. But as seen in the first half, she chooses Five. She chooses her mother. That’s a strong bond they got even for the handler. Though I guess it’s safe to say that the handler doesn’t really care about Lila if she was ready to kill her. I suppose Lila just brought amusement and help but as soon as she’s useless, gone. (Same with Mother Gothel and maybe Thanos?)Honestly though I got confused at one point because didn’t the Handler badmouth Lila’s parents? She said “Her mother who rescued her from those gin-addled, neglectful parents--”. If Lila didn’t believe in those words, she would’ve interrupted. If Lila did, then why did she care so much if they died? Yes, they are still her parents. But, she was so defensive over who killed them in the second half of the season. She kept calling them innocent and such. It was a bit out of the blue I suppose but eh.

-Ray and Luther/Klaus: It’s important to note that Ray is fighting for black rights as well as his wife. Now, to find out that she might’ve lived in a “white” world is a  big shock to him. I can understand why that anger was built. I’m not going to go into detail because I’m sure others can explain it better than I can but in general, Ray felt betrayed by Allison. His expectation of her once he sees Luther and Klaus. Yet, Klaus is more likable since you know he helps him out of jail. They had cute moments in jail too. Luther looks lost af and I just don’t like how aggressive Ray becomes when he sees him.

-Harlan and Vanya: It’s probably setting up for the future plots but I found it unnecessary to give Harlan Vanya’s powers. honestly during the whole time he was screaming and shit, I was just like...Is that...Will from stranger things?? BECAUSE BOTH OF THEM WERE POSSESSED BY SOMETHING OUT OF THEIR CONTROL. But anyways their relationship is okay, Vanya helps him calm down but I guess it would’ve been nice to see more bonding. 

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PLOT

-There were so many arcs-too many. To the point where it was such a jumble of what was going on. From activism to queer rights to daddy issues to mafia to mental asylum to a broken family to more broken families to etc. All leading to the major plot of “the world is ending”. I get it, they were trying to make the story more eventful. However, some of them were pressing issues that should be used more than a plot device to move the story along.

-I know each character was separated to shine individually but I wanted to see more group work.  We already saw their individuality in season 1, this was just a different environment. The only group work where they all were looking badass was in a timeline that ceased to exist(Specifically the one where they fought during the Soviet Union-Us War). They sort of worked together in the end but LMFAO half the time some of them were pinned or just not doing anything.

-I have to say, this whole season just gave me a hardcore repeat of the first season. Again, all the siblings are separated. Again, Five goes looking for them but then goes and fucks around finding plans/leads. Again, the siblings fuck around. Again, the commission tries to hunt them down. Again, they are tricked to killing each other. Again, Vanya is the cause but this time they were able to mend it. Again Again Again Again. Just please. I was really looking forward to seeing something new. I wanted to see their younger selves because by the end of season 1 they turned younger?? But instead we get a repeat of season 1 with a bunch of differences that weren’t able to be fully expounded. It’s like this season was a plot device itself for season 3. It was used to find out more characters and find out more of the universe. While the mental stability remains the same.

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NOTES

~Sissy’s family. I don’t know what to say about this family. It’s obviously fucked up. Harlan is just like confused majority of the time. While Sissy and Carl have so many issues. I really had hope for Carl until that homophobic remark and the fact that he tried to shoot his wife. I know I know it’s obvious to see Carl as the asshole immediately but it would’ve been nice to see a change of pace where Carl is worth staying for: He cares about his son, he wants to keep the family together and he cares whether or not Sissy still loves him. And therefore giving Sissy more of a hard option. It adds more depth. But eh. 

~Transitions/Editing. I guess it’s the same as the first season but for me, the transitions felt more abrupt and off-timing. Like, sometimes it would show Luther after 2 scenes when I’ve been waiting for Five after four scenes. It made my head spin, especially with the amount of arcs. But I guess that’s normal. As for editing, the part where Ben possessed Klaus, I really wished they made it Ben sooner because for 2 minutes I’m just staring at Klaus. It was okay though. 

~The commission. As said earlier, the villains weren’t as entertaining. I loved the three brothers but to say they were more fun to watch than Hazel and Chacha? Mm. Not it for me. More heartbreaking sure. But not more fun. Anyhow, the commission seems like one big mess within itself. It’s so easy to go in their building and mess up time. I mean, what kind of security do they have? No one was protecting board control room thing. I’m not undermining Diego but ?? It seems like high school where people can just slip in and out easily. Also, the amount of commission that died from that last fight. That was a big yikes. I understand their role in the story but it was very undermining to watch them.

~Previous season 2 hopes. I really thought they were going down the child route. Like, I thought Five would bring them back to the time where they all were still children aka still being raised. This would include Ben being alive. This wouldn’t keep the same pressure as the apocalypse but instead a new one on how to prevent it but still being years from that time. They know it’s Vanya and this time they’ll take the time to understand her. They’ll take the time in understanding each other. Frankly, some of my favorite parts of this season would be when they’re bonding. Because they rarely get to do that in season 1. This season 2 would be bonding-centric, while dealing with their powers. I mean, aside from those few flashbacks in season 1, how badass would it be to see it in real time? We would get to explore their capabilities. It would make them look united, it would make their mental issues seem addressed and it would let them have the playful youth they deserve. I guess that’s more of a fanfiction idea though. Most fans probably wants more action than affection so I understand why they took this route. Probably because they wanted to keep the same actors too. But still, it would’ve been nice. 

~Season 3 hopes. Not going to lie, my season 3 hopes are probably a bit similar to season 2. The only difference is age. I want their mental issues to be a d d r e s s e d.  With the lack of apocalypse, there’s going to be less pressure on their shoulders. Especially Five. I’m looking forward to what he’s going to do in his free time. I’m looking forward to see what they all do without that much pressure on their shoulders. They’re obviously going to be more bonded now but will they just keep away again? As for the new group, I honestly thought they were going to be them but raised differently but I guess not. There’s definitely going to be more of an interest on Ben. It’s a whole new one and I’m interested in seeing how their powers and dynamics work. As well as interactions with the OG UA. Though, I feel like it won’t be major in terms of them going against each other. Like, of course they will have one point because I’m sure some of them are competitive af. But, it’ll be more fun than more of a problem. I’m sure they’re all going to unite as one against an opposing force. Maybe an alien arc. Reggie being an alien is also probably going to get addressed and will also maybe become a problem about alien invasion, unless they leave that for later seasons. Lila is also going to come back I bet. I hope no more handler. And if the commission is involved in any way, make them more fun to see in their world building. I’m looking forward to seeing them all though. 

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Overall, as most movies or shows, I think the Umbrella Academy is a wonderful concept with so many interesting stories to tell but execution could need more work. As well as script. Though I’m not saying it’s all bad. Of course there were moments I’d laugh at, of course moments my heart ached and of course moments I loved. It’s not all bad unlike-- Anyways, it was a nice adventure and I’m looking forward to what season 3 has to bring~~

Survey #223

“broken and sad, as the tarnish on your crown, nowhere to go but down.”

What’s your favorite chocolate in the valentine box? The one with fudge in the center. What color hair did your first crush have? Brown. What’s a condition you have that you haven’t been officially diagnosed with? Do not ever self-diagnose, ever. There's a quote about this that I love: Something along the lines of, "Your five-minute Google search doesn't compare to my doctoral degree." Something like that. Anyway, everything I have has been professionally diagnosed, though my therapist and psychiatrist both know I question if my bipolarity is actually borderline personality disorder. My psychiatrist doesn't see it, and my therapist says my level of self-awareness makes that highly unlikely. Idk though, a loooot of symptoms remind me of myself. What’s your favorite version of the Bible? None. Do you think pineapple belongs on pizza? Noooo. I hate sweet/savory combos. Which one of your parents do you think is smarter? My mom. My dad is smart in his own way, but if you're talking about textbook knowledge, yeah. My mom is smarter in that area. Which parent do you think you inherited your intelligence level from? I 120% got my total lack of common sense from Dad. Otherwise, Mom. Do you store your bike in a garage for the winter? I don't have a garage nor bike. What were your favorite gym class activities in elementary school? Okay, do y'all remember those rainbow tarps you'd form a big dome out of? I loved that shit. Even though all we did was talk once inside, lol. I also loved those square roller things. You know, the ones that put your fingers at great risk. Would you rather wear a tunic top and jeggings or a crop top and high-waisted jeans? Okay so I'd fucking love to wear high-waisted jeans w/ a crop top if I had the body for it. Do you think hoodies look better oversized and long, or cropped? Oversized ones are the best. Have you ever had a professional make-over? No. Have you ever had a professional photo shoot? No. Did you ever want to be a model? Noooo. What’s your anti-depressant? Vraylar + Lamictal lmaooooo. Do you stretch or do yoga? Not anymore. List all of the colors of dresses you have worn to school dances. I only ever went to prom. My first was maroon, the second black. Did you enjoy school dances? Here's the tea: they're overhyped, at least for my personality. It's loud as hell so you can't hear each other talk, and the music's shit. I only went to his senior prom and mine for the novelty of it. What is something you want to be for Halloween? I am very legitimately considering be a handmaid from The Handmaid's Tale this year. Read that fucking book, it's one of the best I've ever read, and fucking terrifying as a woman. Who is your favorite parent? I love both for who they are. Do you have chronic pain? Only in my legs due to muscle atrophy that I'm recovering from now thanks to school. What is your favorite part of going to the dentist? My teeth feeling especially clean afterwards. Have you ever not been able to see the big E at the eye doctor? Ha ha, yes. My vision is godawful. What’s on your wish list right now? Just donate to my tattoo fund, lmao. What are you behind on? Politics. What did you get rid of that you wish you had kept? I wish I'd kept Jason and mine's last prom pictures, but literally just because now, I think I looked gorgeous. Does your hometown have bad memories attached to it? The Bloods gang seriously tried to break into the house while my sister and her friend were home alone as pre-teens, guess. Does it irritate you when someone has a dream but does nothing to work toward it? I mean, yes? I feel like everyone should care about that to some degree. Certainly not to an obsessive degree, it's not your life, but you should care that people work towards their aspirations. Do you find the concept of colorblindness fascinating? Yeah, sure. Which site have you been bullied on the most? I wouldn't say I was ever really bullied, but I guess the closest was on an old RP site from one particular person. Who do you wish loved you? A few people. Not necessarily romantically. Do you know anyone who has twin babies or toddlers? Yes. I actually think she has two pairs. If so, what are their names? Idr. I only know them loosely through dance. Would you ever want to have twins? FUCK no. Who has the cutest babies on your Facebook newsfeed? My acquaintance Anastasia literally has the prettiest daughter ever. If you could have a car in any color you wanted, which color? Pink, duh. Or maroon. What is your favorite Avril Lavigne song? WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND MAKE THINGS SO COMPLICATED What’s a song lyric that you like? Korn came out with a new album, and my favorite song's lyrics include "God is making fun of me," and it's my favorite thing ever. Would you ever hitchhike? Why or why not? NOOOOOOO, I don't trust people. What’s one thing you’ve done to celebrate Earth Day? As a kid, I made a bird house one year. There was this backyard decorating show on Animal Planet when I was little, and on one episode, they made one out of an empty milk jug and leaves, so I duplicated that. What color is your stapler? Black. Was your middle school crush the same as your high school crush? No. Have you ever been homeschooled? Towards the end of 8th grade, I was homebound. I was deeply depressed, and school didn't help. Have you ever completed a weight loss program? No. What was the last thing you were mad at a doctor about? I will forever and absolutely always despise my old doctor for putting and keeping me on a medication that resulted in me gaining around 150 pounds, and I wish I was fucking kidding, and blaming it on me the entire time. Where you live, is it possible to get sunburned&frostbitten in same week? HA, yeah. Do you ever turn your phone off because you don’t want to talk? No, I'll just ignore it. Do you like McDonald’s sweet tea? I hate sweet tea period. Do you like rap? Very little of it. Usually just some Eminem. Do you ever lay down and look at the stars? I haven't done that in a long time. Well, we weren't lying down, but rather sitting in chairs, but when Sara was here last summer, she, Mom, and I all sat outside one night making s'mores and having some drinks, and we looked up at the stars for quite a while. Don’t you hate when songs remind you of the person you’re trying to forget? There are a couple songs I physically can't listen to due to PTSD. Whose bed were you last in besides your own? Uhhh. I think my niece's, though I was just sitting on it. Who’s the last person you kissed? Sara. What’s your relationship with that person? We're really fucking gay for each other. Do you know how many people you’ve kissed? Three or four. I can't remember if I ever actually initiated a kiss with Girt or ever kissed him back, but I don't think so. Do you burn easily in the sun? Like toast on the whitest bread. Have you ever blacked out? I mean, I've fainted. Who do you hang out with the most? My mom lmao. Are you positive or negative? So in my FYS class (that is literally more like therapy), we very recently took an emotional intelligence test (it's like a scale that tells you your strengths and weaknesses in some major areas), and my optimism score was ABYSMALLY low. Like, as low as it could be. I've always called myself a realist, but this was a very detailed and professional test, so I'm taking my results into consideration. Do you believe life is fair? Ha ha, what a way to prove the last answer, but you couldn't possibly make me believe life is fair. It's chance and cause and effect. Have you ever bought a youtuber’s merch? LMAO YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'LL I'm too embarrassed to ask for "unusual" things. Do you have any embarrassing health issues? One or two. I am a Walking Health Issue. What are you longing for? I want Sara to live here so badly. Distance is getting hard. Who was your first roommate? Jason, Amanda, and Jacob. Who lived across the hall from you your first year of college? I never lived in a dorm. Have you ever had a janitorial job? Omfg no. I'm a germaphobe. Have you ever worked in food service? Hell no. I can't deal with hungry people. What is your favorite flavor of frosting? I'm a chocolate bitch. What is your favorite type of donut? Depends on where it's from. Dunkin' Donuts, omlllll gimme a chocolate frosted (never with sprinkles, sprinkles are gross). Krispy Kreme, BITCH I will kill a glazed. What is the name of your favorite bakery? We don't go to any proper bakery. We just get stuff from the ones at grocery stores. What is your current favorite Starbucks drink? I don't go to Starbucks. When was the last time you wrote someone a letter? For a certain holiday for Sara. I think it was Valentine's Day? Do you write mostly in cursive or in print? It's some hybrid font of both, but mostly cursive. What do you usually get for your birthday? Meerkat-related stuff. What is a childhood dream that hasn’t stuck with you? I wanted to be a vet. Who was your first favorite cartoon character? Uhhh. Probably Ash Ketchum (I FUCKING WROTE "KETCHUP") or Pikachu. Who is your favorite Disney princess? It was Ariel as a kid, now I don't particularly care, but probably Snow White. Do you like Coca Cola? Hell yeah. Do you like McDonald’s french fries? Are you even human if you don't? Did you get your hair color from your mom, your dad, or a grandparent? My hair was dirty blonde as a kid, so I don't have a clue where that came from. It turned brown though, so I guess Mom, but hers is way darker than mine. What are some other names your parents’ considered when naming you? The only one I remember is Kathryn. Who was the last person you know who had a baby? Uhhh I think it was one of my high school friends. …And what was the baby’s name? Jaspen. If you had a boy and a girl, what would they be named? Alessandra is NOT up for debate (if I wanted kids, anyway) lol, and Damien. What color is your dresser? Brown. Have you found your first gray/white hair yet? WOW no that would be mighty depressing. Is your hair long or short? Short. …and which way do you like it best? I CANNOT believe I didn't go short earlier. Do you have a problem with needles? Nah. Have you ever had to use an epi pen? No, thankfully. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Also thankfully no. If applicable, what color are your glasses? Black. Do you like the name Addison? Yeah, it's cute. Have you ever made your own Halloween costume out of clothes from your closet? No. At least, not a *real* costume. I've just dressed particularly dark before. Have you ever gotten sick in the car? No. Do you enjoy editing photos? I do. Have you ever called the wrong number? Yep, oops. Do you usually pick Truth or Dare? Truth. I never pick "dare," actually. Do you like kissing? I mean yeah, if I love the person. Which Internet browser do you use? Chrome. When was the last time you read a whole book, to the last page exactly? A couple weeks ago I finished The Handmaid's Tale for school. How many times have you had sex within the past two years? Guesstimate? A big 'ole zero lmao. Has your boyfriend or girlfriend ever cheated on you? Were you mad or sad? No. Are you a superstitious person? Have you ever been superstitious before? No. When was the last time your area had a tornado warning, if ever? A few months ago. Have you ever had one of those major fights with your current bf/gf? When we were younger and unstable friends. Do you think road kill is gross? I think it's sad more than anything, but I mean yeah, it can be. But considering a personal project of mine is photographing roadkill to depict the brutality and sadness of it, it obviously doesn't gross me out all that much. Is it obvious when people hurt your feelings? I think so. How many teeth do you have? The normal amount. Have you ever lived outside of America? No. Do you get allowance? I'm 23, I obviously don't now, but I never have. Do you pop your pimples? Yeah, oops. Who did you last dance with? Sara. Have you ever wanted to kill someone? I think so. I wasn't going to like, actively pursue that, but I wanted her dead. Have you ever had braces? Yep. When you get married, do you want to keep your last name? No, please take it away. Do you shave your pubic hair? No. I'll obvious trim/shave along my upper legs in I'm going to wear a bathing suit or something, though. Have you ever seen a tornado in real life? Thank fucking god no. Do you have to plug your nose while swimming under water? Yep. I have zero clue how people stop water from going up their nose, even if they don't breathe through it. Do you like soft or hard pillows? s o f t What’s the last thing your parents bought you? Mom bought food, Dad bought me my laptopl. Do you know anyone who committed suicide? I'm 99% sure a pre-teen online friend did. I know some people loosely. When was the last time you cried out in pain? That's probably a TMI from having IBS. What do you say when you answer the phone? "Hello?" Do you ever get the feeling you don't belong? Belong where? I need specifics. Are you a timid person? Incredibly. Ever been in love with two people at the same time? No. Ever vomited because you were in shock? No. Do you think the world is a nice place or a horrible place? It's a hybrid of those. Ever had a rumor spread about you? The only one I knew of was one Jason's ex started in high school, that being that we had a baby. Despite the fact I was obviously never pregnant. If you found out you were pregnant how would you react? I'd be fucking terrified and incredibly confused because that's physically impossible. Have you ever been dumped by text? Did it hurt? More like over Facebook Messenger, and fuck yes it hurt considering I was literally madly in love with him and we'd been in a serious relationship for three and a half years. In your opinion what would be the worst possible way to dump someone? See above. (: How do you take out your anger? 99% of the time, cry. Have you ever snuck out of your house? No. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Yeah. What’s the craziest thing you’ve done on a dare? Idk. I never did crazy dares. Have you ever cussed someone out? Yes. What’s the most trouble you’ve ever gotten in with your parents? Idk. My dad never really punished us, but rather Mom. I would say the time I texted her back "fuck you," but I was an adult by this point so she couldn't really do anything, but I do noooot want to imagine how she would've reacted if we were physically together. When she picked me up, she was furious, but I think she was more shocked I actually said that than anything. I don't remember that night much, surprisingly, considering I tend to remember awful days like that. Have you ever cheated on someone? No. Have you ever had a friend-with-benefits? No. Have you ever spread a nasty rumor about someone? No. Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I don't know. Have you ever been physically abused? Thank God, luck, Heaven, or whatever, no. What’s something you really regret saying to someone? I think more than anything, the time I sent something along the lines of "thanks for sending me to the hospital again" to Jason before I went to the ER for the bajillionth time. Doesn't matter if it was the first, fifth, or thousandth time, that was fucking evil and could've seriously hurt him. Is there something really bad that you’ve done, that only YOU know about? Uhhhh I don't think so, at least. Do you have a lot of secrets? It depends on who is involved. Mostly though, no. Does it take a lot to make you feel guilty? I don't know, actually. Have you ever broken a really important promise? I don't think so. Have you ever gone out with a best friend’s ex? More like mutually flirted with her boyfriend behind her back until he left her for me when I was 12. Fucking disgusting. Have you ever made out with someone who was just a friend? No. Have you ever cheated on a test? I actually don't think I ever have. Have you ever told someone’s deep, dark secret? No. I'm honestly very trustworthy with secrets. Have you ever gotten in a fist fight? No. Have you ever done something bad JUST because you knew you shouldn’t? Maybe as a kid? I don't think so? Have you ever purposely hurt yourself? Yeah. Have you ever pushed someone into a pool? I don't think so? Have you ever copied someone else’s homework? Again I don't believe so. Possibly once, idr. Have you ever kissed someone the same day you met them? No. What’s under your bed? A box of art stuff. Have you ever you shoplifted? No. What do you want more than anything else? Happiness. Have you ever tried coconut water? I have not. How many online accounts do you have? Or have you lost count? Holy fuck, there's no telling. Who was your first love? Jason. Are you the type to hold grudges? Definitely not. What was the last video game you played? I actually have World of Warcraft open right now, but that's a computer game; does that count? If not, uhhh. It's been a long while... I think maybe The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon. What’s your favorite flavor of vitamin water? Never tried vitamin water. Are there any bands/artists that get you all emotional? Ozzy Osbourne makes me so nostalgic. His music is so important to me. Have you ever been to a convention? (comic, Youtube, etc.) No, but bitch try to stop me from going to PAX East one day to hug God and cry for two hours in joy. What brand are most of the electronics in your household? I don't think we have a consistent brand for our electronics. It depends on what the thing is. What’s your favorite aunt or uncle’s first name? I can't remember my favorite aunt's name, but the only uncle I know well is Rob. He's hilarious. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? No. Who was the last person you invited into your home? Sara. Are you of legal drinking age in the country you live in? Yes. How old were your parents when they got engaged? I have no clue. Early 30s? Are your parents still together? Hell no. What flavor was the last ice cream you ate? Chocolate. Are you health conscious? To a degree. Have you ever done a first aid course? No. If so, would you be prepared to perform CPR if necessary? N/A Are there any songs that get stuck in your head very easily? A lot. Who was the last person to text you? Sara. If you found out you couldn’t have children, would you adopt? I'd be fucking ecstatic if I found out I was infertile, especially with how terrified and paranoid I am about being raped. I don't want kids, ever. Would you go back to your most recent ex? No; I don't like him like that. Do you remember the show Bananas in Pajamas? I don't, but I know my older sister was obsessed. If you could know how, when, and where you’ll die, would you want to know? Hell no. Are you really excited for anything? I'm probably going up to Sara's for her birthday and Christmas and I CANNOT wait. Have you ever eaten any type of insect? Not intentionally? I think a gnat or something flew into my throat once, but idk. I've certainly never tried to. Who is the most famous person you’ve ever met? Nobody lmao. Do you have trust issues? Oh yes indeed.

Woooo…

… And other aimless noises!

Time for Ryusoulger episode 5! Subbed! Bc I didn’t have time to watch a raw. ^^;

In no order:

Life is hard when you have to pause every few moments to think about how beautiful Banba is. DX

Aw, Ui’s so anxious. I’d give you a hug if I could, honey!

I am never gonna get used to this goo in the mouth thing. They literally couldn’t have done that any other way?

How long has Touwa known this girl? Like… How did they meet? Banba seemed at least passingly acquainted w/ her, so… Hm.

I know it’s not important that they the specify that the animals being abandoned are black ones, but I’m gonna pretend it’s more foreshadowing bc I’m unstoppable.

Actually, that’s only true in certain capacities.

But seriously, the camera cuts to Banba when she says that. I have these straws and I’m clinging to them. XD

Like, I do understand ‘needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one’ thing, I do. I do also think we’re jumping to it a little quick, which makes me suspect we had a bad experience where a lot of people died bc of something, or something along those lines, and now we’re a little traumatised. And I think we blame ourselves for whatever it was that happened.

Still don’t think they’ve killed anyone. At least, not directly. I’m thinking there might be deaths Banba blames himself for, but that’s a whole other thing.

Crayon just running around downtown is just so hilarious. XD I don’t know why this scene is so funny to me, but it is. ^^

Banba is like ‘no friends! We have dark and troubled pasts!’ Or something or other. That joke kinda fell through.

God, he’s pretty, though. DX

Touwa, using his bratty little sibling powers for good. XD

Oh, yeah. This direct, ‘deal w/ what creates the monsters’ thing hasn’t happened in Sentai in a while, I think?

Touwa joins in the posing, but Banba just stands there like ‘oh, great, dork patrol is here’ for a moment. ^^

Banba wins for least effected by the earthquake, Melto is a close second, w/ Asuna an even closer third.

I really do like how Crayon acts like a bloody cheerleader there. XD

They all get sent flying, and Banba rolls an extra time, just bc he’s so beautiful he can do that.

Oh, Kou. Honey. Honey.

I do note, Banba didn’t argue w/ Touwa phrasing it as ‘help him.’ Though… He may have been thinking of other things at the time.

Well, it cuts away from Banba too quick to see his reaction, but I’m willing to bet he was reaching for Touwa.

Also, Touwa! No, my baby gremlin boy! DX

Banba doesn’t even take the time to finish his transformation, just goes right into ‘get the fuck away from my brother’ mode.

Crayon does the one thing he can do. Gets scolded. Such is life. ^^;

I’m never gonna get over this moment, though. Banba is clearly absolutely frantic, to the degree that we can actually see it on his face, even a bit. For him, that’s gotta be practically a full-fledged panic attack. He puts a lot into hiding his emotions. The fact that this fear is showing means he’s thoroughly terrified.

Also, Touwa giving him an awkward, reassuring little smile there. There might be slight dissension between them in this ep, but he definitely knows Banba cares for and is worried about him, and he’s actively trying to reassure him.

Does kind of make me wonder if there was a moment where Touwa was hurt and Banba freaked out or something…

Okay. Banba’s reaction to Kou saying Tankjoh killed his Master––esp the way it focuses on him off of Kou’s clenched fist… I wanna know my boys’ lore so badly. Touwa seems to be rather regularly shocked (like, the way most people might react to that sort of revelation). But Banba… I dunno, it feels like there’s something more to Banba’s reaction. Like… He looks sad. And even… Sympathetic? Like he’s… Remembering something and/or identifying? Bc Kou goes on a little on how Master Red died protecting him bc he was ‘too weak.’ And his whole break down seemed to be resonating w/ Banba. I’m really curious about the brothers and specifically Banba’s backstory. Bc it’s seeming more and more like something happened that Touwa may not know about that explicitly made Banba see things the way he does. But I’ll ramble more about that later. XD

And when Kou specifically says Red died protecting him, he looks away like that meant something… AUGH. I WANNA KNOW SO BAD! DX

I should also note that he looks absolutely beautiful the whole time, too. <3

How did you see, Tankjoh, he just giggled? I mean, I know what he’s saying, but that’s just bc I have the power of SPOILERS. And also other people doing translations. But mainly, SPOILERS. XD

I appreciate seeing some of what the villains are doing when not fighting the team, and I find it utterly hilarious that they are just chilling in this one random clearing. Is this a special forest/clearing? Are we even gonna have a base? Or is everyone gonna just chill in the clearing?

Maybe they’ll move into a cave at some point.

Yes, I’m very concerned about the nice animal lady being a Minusaur host, but can someone please take that puppy before she drops it?

Banba’s extra intense bc the Minusaur bit Touwa and they don’t know if the bite is gonna do something (it will). Touwa’s safety is one thing he’s not even willing to slightly risk.

So of course Touwa is the only one who can stop him. Definitely at least shades of living emotional crutch, here.

Soon it will start expanding to the rest of the team to and I will LOVE IT.

THE PUPPY!

No, seriously. What did they do w/ the puppy?

I was under the impression that there were multiple animals? Definitely seems like Banba has at least a passing knowledge of her, so they’ve known her for a bit, at least.

Everyone looks very pretty here. ^^

Speaking of pretty… There are still some shots of the brothers from the trailer that are missing… Were they cut? No! Show me smiley Banba in the Tatsui house! DX And also that one where he was sexily leaning on a wall! :(

If you watch Banba, you can totally see the panic steadily rising over the course of the ep. Like he’s managed to get a lid back on it, but he looks concerned when the bite starts glowing, and when Melto remarks about poison, his head snaps around sharply.

I really like the way Touwa sort of… For lack of a better word ‘argues’ w/ Banba here? Bc he notably leads w/ repeated reassurances that he’s fine, so there’s no need to rush things. Like he clearly knows that’s the driving motivation behind his brother’s behaviour right now. He knows his brother cares about him, and that his safety is important to him, so it’s more likely he’ll have better luck dissuading him if he can convince him he’ll be okay. Also, he plays the family angle, bc he presumably knows how much that means to Banba, too. It’s a little low, maybe, but it gets the point across, I think. For whatever reason, Banba’s put on blinders and tunnel visioned himself to the mission. Touwa adores him and follows him, but he doesn’t have the same level of… Well, what I assume is trauma, to have that level of obsessive focus. The best way to pull him out of that is using someone/something else he can focus on––in this case, Touwa, who uses things he knows are important to Banba (himself, aka, family) to try and, basically, again for lack of a better word, empathise again.

I’m very tired, I’m not sure that made sense.

I know I keep saying it, but it definitely seems to be that Banba just had the opposite reaction to trauma than the trio did. They stayed optimistic and sought happiness and new friendships to help deal w/ the pain. He just closed himself off from the world to avoid getting hurt again, and lost faith in others. Touwa was the only person he couldn’t let go off. Literally, living emotional crutch. Touwa is probably the reason Banba never went completely stone cold as a result of whatever happened––he was trying to emulate Banba’s more serious nature, but he’s more social and cheerful.

Might be cool/sweet if there’s an arc/ep where they meet someone (whether related to someone’s past or not) that is a completely stone cold, ruthless monster, and Banba has a ‘I could have turned into that if it hadn’t been for Touwa and you guys’ sort of thing.

In other news, Banba is still so beautiful I still have to pause every few moments just to stare at him. <3

Literally, if I were in this world, and something happened, and Banba––or even just Kishida Tatsuya himself were standing near me? I’d just be throwing myself into his arms. No questions.

Banba is allergic to emotions and proper communication, so he just runs out of the room to obsessively hunt the Minusaur.

But… Even though he’s not very communicative, he takes the time to akd Kou about Master Red. What is the lore here, Toei? GIVE ME THE LORE.

I don’t think he’s really trying to be mean to Kou? Actually, in a weird way, I think this is kind of a sign he respects him a little? I wouldn’t go as far to say ‘fond of’ and maybe ‘respect’ isn’t the right word, either? But it kinda seemed like he was trying to… I dunno, share what he perceives as a hard truth he learned the hard way? And being like, ‘this sucks, but you need to understand it?’ Only he’s Banba and emotions and gentleness are a little hard for him so it comes out really blunt and cruel? But he seems like he’s speaking from some sort of experience?

Also, this is the scene that makes me think that he blames himself for something that happened. Most likely, in the past, he perceives his own (maybe someone else’s, but most likely his) kindness to have caused some sort of traumatising event, which may have involved the deaths of people he cared about (possibly for similar reasons to why the others’ Master’s died––protecting something, be it him and his brother, or something else). Additionally, maybe someone somehow reenforced to him it was his fault, and specifically put it in his head that kindness had caused it?

On another hand, Kou doesn’t seem to be particularly hurt by the words, exactly? Or insulted? Like I feel like in some situations, a character in his place would be loudly arguing that it’s not weakness––something that wouldn’t have been out of place for Kou’s characterisation. Like, he’s upset a bit, you can see that, but… But if anything, to me, at least, he looks actually kind of… Concerned about Banba instead? Maybe he’s squinting in the light/the wind, but… I dunno, I somehow ended up w/ the interpretation that he was worried about why Banba thought that way or something.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled rambling to inform you that Banba is still gorgeous. Please carry on.

Tankjoh be firing his lasers!

Aw, the RyuSouls just want hugs!

I doubt there’s only one of those in the whole city…

I love how Banba just freaking trips the thing. Like, it’s so simple. XD

Melto the mom friend clinches it w/ the important flashback line!

Also, hi AU Hongo! Figured we’d see you again in some way!

PROTECTING IS MY JAM. Please tell me this is gonna be a theme. Bc I need Banba being protective of all his younger sibs in my life. I NEED IT.

I think Banba is the second one to use a personal finishing move? I seem to recall Kou doing it first ep, but none of the others have do it since––yet, at least.

‘You can’t beat me! I can juggle!’

No, wait, that’s not how you juggle.

I LOVE MIRNEEDLE AND HIS HONK.

Also, I see you, cgi car! And tree. And building. And… Oh, forget it. XD

Congrats Kou! You’ve promoted to actually being directly addressed! I’m so proud. ^^

Seriously, though, Banba hasn’t used nary a name nor a colour, nor any label for any of them. Wonder if he’ll give them grumpy nicknames like ‘fool’ or something after this, or if he’ll stick w/ names?

Was… Not expecting sumo.

Does one ever expect sumo, though? … I guess when you go to see sumo.

Banba just one hundred percent takes over the whole fight. XD Boy still needs to figure out how to be a team player.

I find it hilarious how none of the others even tried to join in on announcing the final attack…

Were Tankjoh’s eyes furrowed like that before, or did they make the suit character look angry?

The poison in presumably in his bloodstream why do you need… Never mind. I guess that answers whether we’re taking people to the hospital. Well, taking Rangers.

Naohisa’s doctor friend is now suspicious to me simply by being a mysterious, anonymous ‘doctor friend.’

Apparently, Naohisa has connections, too, which––I don’t know why––is somehow funny to me.

I’m gonna finish this post and realise I’m spelling his name wrong, aren’t I?

Have nay of you ever considered standing in a different spot in the room?

So it sure looked like the Minusaur exploded? Either is just plain jumped into the water, or the poison itself is the Minusaur? *insert shrug emoji*

 Banba is just so worried about Touwa here… Like I feel normally he might be a little annoyed at someone apparently questioning his ability (that’s not at all what she was doing, of course, and he did know that, but I feel like he might, under normal circumstances, have been a little ruffled and maybe glared), but here he’s staring down at his brother w/ a little worried frown. Merely affirms that he did destroy it w/out even looking away.

And the fact that a) Touwa’s now showing visible signs of pain and distress, and b) this shouldn’t be happening bc he should have beaten the Minusaur already is what really starts cracking Banba. Right now, Touwa is the most important person to him in the entire world. The possibility of being unable to save him is probably the single most terrifying concept in the whole universe to Banba.

Well, Touwa’s dead. But let’s dance!

Okay, so we know he’s fine.

THERE WILL BE TEARS NEXT WEEKEND. THEY’RE GONNA DO IT.

So, looks like Tankjoh will be exiting, possibly temporarily? And we have the debut of 5 Knights! But before that, everyone gets poisoned and Banba has to learn to play w/ others. Seems Banba and Asuna get effected by the contagious poison first, as they’re listed first in the summary, and a lot of the preview images show Melto and Kou running around together. Looks like Touwa and Banba are having a heart to heart, while dying of poison, probably during the scene the ‘I won’t let you die’ line is from. Bc Banba would possibly be willing to sacrifice himself, but he’d have to die, be incinerated, and then exorcised multiple times before he stopped trying to save Touwa by any means possible. There’s also a preview image that’s either Banba being dumb and trying to fight despite dying of poison, or have been fighting and then just starting to die of poison. I kinda prefer the first, but both are good. And Kou seems to be filling in as concerned little brother. Very excited, and I have a countdown timer on my phone again. XD

That’s all folks! Virtual mango sorbet for anyone who read all that! Or, just, any kind of flavour you want. I might have some digital gelato around here somewhere…

I’m enjoying this series very much. I love the brothers and I really want more lore on them, but I think everyone already knew that. I still hope that it turns out the person who betrayed Banba is now Gaisorg’s user. That would be great drama. ^^ It’s not completely out the window that it was his Master or one of their parents (or maybe those were one and the same), either.

Now I just have to get through the week…

GOT 8x01 liveblog below the cut:

--Love the new opening credits!

--Poor Missandei and Grey Worm look so uncomfortable rn

--Jon: “I had a choice: keep my crown or protect the North.” But that’s... not what we saw onscreen?? Not unless some variation of political!Jon is actually true. But knowing D&D, this may simply be their retconned explanation for the nonsensical writing last year. Well, that or Jon is trying to make his stupid decision look better in front of the lords.

--Sansa, I love you, but do you have to smirk when you raise your (very valid) concerns? It’s not helping anything and you have to know it.

--Yessss, mentions of the food shortage!! Now let’s see if they’ll actually do anything with it...

--Show!Dany, I’m still trying to like you, but you’re not exactly making it easy, what with the whole “whatever they like” reply to “What do dragons eat, anyway?”, and smirking when the dragons swooped in and scared the fuck out of everyone in the Winter Town. The Northerners haven’t given you the warmest of receptions and I understand your frustration over that fact, but that’s no reason to think their fear is funny.

--Ah, yes, the oh-so-subtle handholding in front of the entire hall. *sighs at Jon and Dany* [ETA: never mind, they aren’t actually holding hands... Dany is just resting one of her hands on Jon’s arm. Which isn’t all that much more subtle lol.]

--It’s 100% my shipper confirmation bias at work, but the way that they’ve blocked this scene really does make it feel like a Dany/Jon/Sansa love triangle to me. #sorrynotsorry That said, if TPTB choose to go a belligerent sexual tension route w/ Dany/Sansa I wouldn’t turn it down. ;-)

--They’re actually letting Arya show human emotion again? *tosses confetti in celebration*

--Bran and Jon reunion!! My Stark Feelings heart overfloweth.

--Sansa and Tyrion reunion! I like that they’re keeping that hint of tension between them over the way they parted.

--Tyrion: “Many underestimated you. Most of them are dead now.” Subtext: I have no intention of repeating their mistakes.

--Sansa: “I used to think you were the cleverest man alive.” Talk about a burn!

--OK, Bran is looking at Tyrion Significantly(TM) with music playing in the background almost ominously.

--Confirmation that Yara is alive!!! Also, she and Euron are a disturbing but kind of hilarious dynamic at the moment.

--The Arya and Jon reunion was A++. Sweet and heartfelt, but with a hint of underlying tension. And Arya’s comment that Sansa is the smartest person she knows just made my heart an even bigger pile of Stark Family mush.

--Oh, and the “Have you used it?” line re: Needle just hurts because it shows us and Arya how little Jon knows about what Arya has gone through and who she’s become. And Arya’s “once or twice” line just tore out my heart. She doesn’t want to tell Jon what she’s done, both because she’s afraid of how he’ll react and because that will finally make it real to her.

--I feel kind of terrible for Cersei. Yes, she’s made her own bed, but the fact that Euron Greyjoy is lying in it... *shudders* The fact that she’s still forced to resort to sleeping with a man she despises despite ostensibly being the most powerful woman in the realm is incredibly depressing.

--Ahhh, and now we have The Temptation of Bronn(TM)

--The rescue mission! Theon getting to shoot arrows!!

--Greyjoy sibling feelings!!!!

--And Theon is headed to Winterfell! ...He’s going to die there saving a Stark, isn’t he? *braces self for emotional pain*

-- ...you couldn’t have proposed this Jon/Dany marriage, oh, four or so episodes ago, Davos?? The mind still boggles that no one brought this very obvious diplomatic solution up on Dragonstone last season.

--Varys: “Nothing lasts.” 

Camera: *pans to Jon & Dany* 

Me: I n t e r e s t i n g

Also me: Is this foreshadowing, or a red herring to up the dramatic tension?

--Is that... something resembling a smile from Jon around Dany? And he actually looks like he might genuinely enjoy her presence and/or care about her? It’s a miracle! ...A miracle that we really could have used some of last season too, GOT!!

--“She doesn’t need to be my friend. But I am her queen. If she can’t respect me--” *nods* That’s more or less what I figured their initial dynamic would be like. And their attitudes make sense on both ends of the equation! (Note: I can’t decide whether that was a veiled threat from Dany or not; if so, though, she jumped to them pretty darn fast.) I’m curious to see where D&D go with this.

--Oh, only that many goats and sheep. *rolls eyes* I mean, I get it, the dragons are huge; they need a lot of fuel! But on the other hand, that’s an awful lot of food the people don’t get anymore... It’s a no-win situation.

--“They don’t like the North.” Huh, I wonder what it means that the literal breathing symbol of the Targs aren’t fans of being in the North. [/sarcasm]

--Look, I’m glad Dany feels comfortable enough around Jon to be playful, but... would it have been that difficult for her to give him one or two tips before he mounted this incredibly dangerous flying weapon of mass destruction??

--How are these waterfalls not completely frozen over?! It’s the North and it’s winter. I know, I know, I shouldn’t expect anything resembling realism from this show, but still...

--Ah, so Dany is the one who has the line about how they could “stay here a thousand years and no one would find us”, not Jon. But on the flip side, Jon has his eyes closed for the kiss, not open... at least, not until the dragons start to talk lol.

--Emilia Clarke has such a beautiful smile!

--Yeah, I’m still not feeling the J0n3rys ‘chemistry’. Oh well; you can’t win them all. At least they aren’t totally unbelievable as a couple this episode.

--Ugghhh, yet another joke about balls (or the lack thereof) in this episode.

--Arya and Gendry reunion? Arya and Sandor reunion? Yes!

--Wow, Arya/Gendry are so awkward together right now! Sweet, but awkward. And yeah, here come the shippy feelings again... I’m predictable that way lol.

--“As you wish, m’lady.” *squeals delightedly*

--“You don’t know any other rich girls.” The look on their faces!!

--Can I mention again how much I love that they’re letting Arya and Dany emote so far this episode? It makes a world of difference. Now all we need is for Bran to be allowed to show emotions...

--Ooohh, this must be the promised Jon/Sansa argument scene. 

--Good. I’m glad that there are already some consequences from the lords for Jon having bent the knee... the decision would feel incredibly cheap otherwise.

--And already we have more emotion from Jon in this one scene than in all of his scenes with Dany combined. I’m not saying Jon/Sansa is where the show is going, but it still works much better for me than Jon/Dany does. YMMV, of course, and that’s as it should be.

--”Do you have any faith in me at all?” “You know I do.” <3 <3 <3

--*sighs* Jon, it’s all very well and good to say that Dany will be a good queen, but you could, I don’t know, give Sansa some examples to help her understand why you think that instead of just expecting her to go entirely on your word?

--Ah, this must be the scene with Sam and Dany!

--Oh, poor Sam. I’m so glad they’re letting him be upset about it, though. His dad may have been an abusive dick, but his brother wasn’t... and besides, emotions aren’t always that clear-cut.

--“Now’s the time.” OK, but why now? Why now? Also, is it just me or did Bran’s voice sound different there?

--Jon and Sam reunion!!!

--Ouch, poor Jon. This revelation was always going to hit him hard.

--Jon (in a whisper, looking horrified): “That’s treason.” Uh, Jon, that doesn’t seem like the normal reaction of someone in love with another person? Just saying.

--“You gave up the crown to save your people. Would she do the same?” Samwell Tarly, asking the important questions! This question has always been one of--if not the--cruxes of Dany’s arc, IMO. That and her search for home/belonging.

--Ooo, is this the rumored scene with the WW symbols on the walls?

--Hmmm, this actually looks a bit like that clip from the trailers. Is Edd going to show up soon then?

--Hah! Called it.

--“Stay back, he’s got blue eyes!” “I’ve always had blue eyes!” LMAOOO

--Called it. I knew little Ned Umber was going to be the first named character death of the season. (For the record, I have him slated as the first named character death in my AU S8 fic outline, even though the chapter in question hasn’t been written yet.) Also, wow-- talk about a creepy way to display him!

--Still, that’s odd that he’s just dead rather than a wight-- oh, never mind he is a wight after all!

--Hmm, who are you, tall and mysteriously hooded man? (I mean, realistically everyone onscreen in the North should have their hoods up right now when they’re outside, but this is TV.) Could you possibly be... Jaime Lannister?

--Hah! Called it again.

--They’re going to cut to the credits now that Bran & Jaime have locked eyes, aren’t they? Yep, they just cut to the credits.

Additional Thoughts:

--I wonder where Brienne is... we haven’t seen her this episode IIRC. [ETA: Never mind, she is there in the background in several scenes, she just doesn’t say anything.]

--I wish D&D had given Dany more space to react to the news about undead!Viserion. This should be a big deal for her. Also, why is no one freaking out about the Wall coming down?

--Honestly, the pacing and tone of this episode could have used a little polishing IMO.

--I’m delighted that the show is letting characters speak positively about Sansa and her skills, but I wish the writing wasn’t so very heavy-handed about it.

--Ooo, interesting trailer, though still nothing terribly surprising. I’m curious to see what they do next episode... but not nearly as curious as I am to see what happens in 8x03 and beyond. ;-)

Overall, I enjoyed this episode! So many callbacks to earlier seasons. I may have deeper thoughts on a rewatch.

        ❛  Waiting is painful.                          Forgetting is painful.                                   But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.  ❜

Spotted at Grand Central, bags in hand, {KAREN GILLAN}. No, that’s a mistake. It’s {AMELIA POND}, they are a {CANON CHARACTER} and come from {DOCTOR WHO}. They are {TWENTY-NINE} and I’ve heard they are {CREATIVE}, as well {OBSTINATE}. They happen to hold {THEIR} memories. Don’t believe me? See for yourself. Lucky for us, {jinx, 23, pst, she/her & they/them} sent us proof.

Welcome to New York, what is your character’s name?

Amelia Jessica Pond-Williams. Though, she took on the last name Williams when she was transported back to 1920s New York because she couldn’t really legally hyphenate + it was a testament to how much she loves Rory & how she was willing to leave behind her old life with the Doctor behind. But she prefers to just be called Amy!

Where have they been pulled from in their fandom? 

Right when Amy & Rory make their exit in Doctor Who, in the Angels Take Manhattan. I imagine that she wakes up in her new life in this RP from that point. 

With the curse, how has your character’s life changed? 

Well, I don’t want to godmod the potential Rory player but if Rory isn’t in her life then that’s a major change ( though, I’d love if they were best friends who grew up together or something in the new life  ). Like in canon, Amy had the belief the Doctor was real but instead of him coming back, he was just a story. She still grew up the same way in canon, the weird girl who turned ginger bombshell who was a kissogram but in this verse ( to mirror canon ) she gets picked up by a modeling agency and moves to New York. As far as Amy knows she’s lived in New York for 10 years, now a successful science fiction author and currently working on a children’s book both illustrating & writing it.  Her life has changed because she turned her childhood shit into stories that have sold pretty well. She didn’t get married to Rory at a young age, she’s had quite a few years to develop who she is and live her life outside of Leadworth.  

With Amy’s memories coming back, to put it simply, it hurts. All over again. Remembering it all, losing it all, it hurts. Though not a drinker AT ALL, Amy has found herself doing anything she can to forget remembering, working on a much darker novel than her previous ones. It’s been disorienting because even though her life is beautiful & brilliant as it is -- it’s not real. The feeling of things not being real, the blurring of lines between reality & falsity has really done a number on her as she does deal with mental illness, worrying that she’s finally, properly, losing her mind. Frankly, she doesn’t know if it’s real, she doesn’t know what’s real, though she tries to be Amy Pond, this blurring of reality is something that scares her. Another feeling she feels is anger, anger about what happened to her in canon, anger about having to doubt her own mind all over again and a determination to fix this and/or find the person responsible. 

Do they have a job, and if so what is it? 

To dive in more about her job, Amy isn’t the most famous person around but she definitely has mild celebrity due to her early modeling ( a model turned scifi author intrigues a lot of weird fanboys that’s for sure ), her books are what has really launched any celebrity she has into something more recognizable. Sometimes asked to help host D list red carpet shows, etc. Amy is not Known Known but you find her face recognizable. She’s done a lot of activism as well for mental illness and the LGBTQIA+ & Queer communities as she’s openly bisexual so there’s definitely a funky little cult following she has and she’s fairly popular in Scotland as well as a hometown hero in her town of Leadworth ( something she finds HILARIOUS as they hated her for years ). 

Is there any other information about your character that members might find helpful?

THIS SECTION WILL BE FOR MY RAMBLING. Because where else am I GONNA DO IT??? I’ve been playing Amy for 5+ years now and I’m going to give y’all some insight on how i play her as well as how i see her. I’m watching an episode right now that’s helped come up with some of this as well. I’ll probably add more HCs as I slowly rewatch her scenes, etc. 

 A Sagittarius!!!!!!!!!! which literally fits her so well if you love astrology and Amy Pond, you already know!

One of my favorite aspects of Amy’s character is her empathy & intuitiveness. While sometimes lacking social grace and not always the best with interpersonal relations, she can see people for who they are deep down, their intentions, the emotions she feels like she feels from others often overwhelming but something that does lead her. A gut instinct magnified. She’s intuitive and empathetic because she’s got such an active imagination paired with a creative mind, she’s able to put those two things together, not only painting a picture of who someone is, painting colors on them they might not see themselves. Maybe this is a bit naive at times, maybe even a bit dangerous if it steers her wrong ( which is why Rory Williams is so important to her, her impulsiveness paired with this can get her into tough situations and he always has her back, always by her side ). Amelia is not always one to think before jumping into situations if she feels it’s the right thing to do, a prime example of this is her running off with The Doctor EASILY. Both as a kid and an adult. Luckily, not many have taken advantage of this as she can be extremely closed off emotionally. She’s a good judge of character and if she puts her faith in you, know while it could be surprising, it was a very much calculated, thought out, and a felt through choice. Amy’s extremely stubborn so good luck getting her to do something she doesn’t want to do ESPECIALLY if she doesn’t feel it’s right. Amy is usually able to connect to anyone and everyone some sort of way when she tries due to all of this, usually better with connecting to people than the ( Eleventh ) Doctor himself is. 

[ EMOTIONAL NEGLECT MENTION, ALCOHOLISM MENTION ] Verbal, straightforward, blunt, but it when it comes to her emotions, the ones that hurt, the ones that can’t be wrapped in something beautiful or lightly joked about are the ones tucked away. Amy’s got serious commitment issues as well, as shown throughout Doctor Who, that stemmed from the Doctor leaving her multiple times as well as never knowing her parents. I play her Aunt as a high functioning alcoholic, growing up she was never really home much less attentive to Amy ( also due to the whole crack in Amy’s wall thing, but, that’s a whole other topic ). For insight on how this effects her, I once played her in a multifandom at hogwarts rp where she was in a relationship with a character and they were really fucking cute ( I still rp them to this day w/ my friend ). But she was SO cared of this relationship not working out / losing Rory because he had just confessed that he romantically liked her, that she broke up with the other person ( who she had deep feelings for who never EVER would’ve left her ) because Rory meant too much to her, he’d been there through everything, the thought of losing him? Unthinkable. this isn’t to say she didn’t love them both ( polyamorous Amelia Pond ftw! ), or value Rory as much ( I felt pressured to go into canon as well so I had to find a believable fault/fear/issue to really sell this but I think there’s something to be said for this ), I don’t play it that way in THIS rp, of course. [ END OF EMOTIONAL NEGLECT MENTION, ALCOHOLISM MENTION ]

It goes to show that she will make fear based decisions as well as decisions based on her insecurities that she’s not enough, that she’s more pain than she’s worth, out of not being able to give someone she cares about what they need. For example, when in canon Amy breaks up with Rory because she feels so guilty she can’t have biological kids when she knows he ALWAYS wanted kids. She was scared if she stayed with him, he’d hate her, that she was keeping him from having a fulfilling life, that she wasn’t enough and didn’t fit into what he wanted. Rory deserves everything to her, she couldn’t give it to him, when he gave and gave and gave to her. She didn’t feel worthy, but she didn’t express that fear either, making Rory feel completely shut out because she was shutting him out. She’ll self sabotage easily, because commitment is scary to her and she’d rather be the one leaving than being left. Amy can’t stand to wait for the worst to happen, for the other shoe to drop, she isn’t the fucking girl who waited -- not anymore. 

Amy is diagnosed with major depressive disorder previously diagnosed with psychotic features added on as well until the Doctor came back but after having 4 psychiatrists in her youth, Amy definitely fits into having MDD. There are many evidences in canon besides her literally going to psychiatrists that suggest that Amy is mentally ill / ND, another hint in the episode ‘Vincent and The Doctor’. Amy empathizes with Vincent Van Gogh ( my Amy is an extreme art history lover as well, especially Vincent Van Gogh ), she says she’s been where he is, that she gets it. [ SUICIDE MENTION ] She is physically effected when he talks about dark shit and in another episode with the Dreamlord, she talks about how she doesn’t want to live in a world if Rory’s not in it, then killing herself in the show. The way she does it in my head ( and in the show ) is extremely steely, easily done, because Amy has dealt with mental illness, because she’s been in dark places & suicidal ideation. [ END OF SUICIDE MENTION ]  In this RP, she’ll also have been diagnosed and is taking medication because we stan healthy characters who cope with their mental illness! Even though she’s definitely having a hard time currently. 

Rory Williams really is everything to her. Her best friend, a love of her life, her partner, the only person who stuck by her side through everything. She never waivers in this love for him, even though she does have doubts due to her own commitment issues ( and regular issues ) but she doesn’t have doubts about who Rory is. She loves him. The Doctor is also someone she loves passionately, though she could’ve loved him romantically and often could see that sort of a future with him -- he’s completely unavailable and unreliable. If there’s one thing that Amy can’t do in a partner romantically it’s unreliable. Plus, after finding out her daughter was married to him in canon? She’ll pass. The Doctor is more like a twin flame sort of thing for her, a very kindred spirit. She loves him because in her little town of Leadworth, full of boring, sensible things, where she was the weird girl in town -- he was just as weird as her. 

 If I had to pick a Hogwarts house for Amy, it’d be Gryffindor. 

13x04 as you’ve never heard it before: Trek vs. Wars

Both do it right. Both make some mistakes. Both have good intentions. Both are brought up in 13x04. Both have crazy ass fans who need to inform you how much superior one is than the other. But uh. I just find it amusing that in a season so far that has presented us with such duality, an episode that opens with a Star Wars reference throws in a Star Trek one as well just for consistency.

I’m going to touch on both because it’s fascinating to me, particularly as both references are so clearly bonded to Jack. And I know, I know. They’re obvious pop culture references, but there’s more underneath the surface to them if that’s all you know them as.

Okay, so I’ve seen people talking here and there about Anakin and Ahsoka. I didn’t watch Clone Wars (though it’s sitting on my shelf right here, oops), so I don’t actually know about Ahsoka, but obviously Anakin is a big deal. 

I’ve seen meta comparing Jack’s potential arc to Luke’s and to Vader’s, but that’s because in a lot of ways their arcs are similar, it’s just that they have different outcomes. Luke, of course, has friends and family in his court, while Anakin is under the thumb of a master manipulator in Palpatine who essentially corrupts him because of his great potential power. There’s an easy line to draw there, of course, between Asmodeus and Palpatine. And so if you lean into the Anakin comparison, you have the following:

Anakin was not a child when he was taken in by Qui-Gon for training (I mean he was but by the standards of the Jedi Temple not really)

The Prophecy regarding Anakin said that he would bring balance to the Force (Ultimately he did, there were 2 Sith and 2 Jedi left)

The Jedi Council feared his power/influence and initially forbade his training

And then Anakin consequently lost all the people he cared about or who had faith in him, starting with Qui-Gon.

Which led to him being trained by Obi-Wan who was barely out of Padawan diapers and a bit of a rule breaker himself

And lets face it had a less than stellar upbringing too (But I guess the EU is no longer canon so w/e)

And don’t forget that Obi-Wan is pretty fucking depressed in general (He describes it as his fate to be sad) but he had just lost the person with which he had a profound bond

It’s no wonder Jack aspires to be more like Ahsoka. By Clone Wars Anakin - because of his skill and the lack of leadership experience of Obi-Wan - is a bit of a cocky dick. He endangers others. He’s arrogant, prideful, rageful, prone to outbursts of emotion and ultimately imperfect. The fact that he has such great power raises him above his peers, and those who train him begin to try to impede his process rather than give him - impetuous and unchallenged as he is - a position of wider influence. This leaves opportunity for Palpatine to prey on his feelings of how unfair this situation is. And ultimately? Anakin thinks he’s doing the right thing. He thinks he’s doing good because he’s been told it’s the right thing to do by someone he trusts.

"I see through the lies of the Jedi. I do not fear the dark side as you do. I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new Empire."

Or paradise?

But Jack can be Luke too. The difference for Luke (just as it’s made clear in the scene of Jack in 13x04) is that he doesn’t want to become Anakin. Luke walks into that cave on Dagobah and in a nightmarish sequence this is the fear he’s presented with: that he and Vader have a great deal in common. (ftr he lops Vader’s head off and the mask explodes to reveal Luke’s face underneath) But it is this fear that allows Luke to choose his side.

This imo is a ray of hope for Jack. He knows what he wants to be: he wants to be good. He’s just not sure of what he’s feeling.

Which leads me to Spock.

Spock is also Jack. Now if you don’t know anything about Star Trek, you probably believe the hype: Spock is a green blooded alien freak from the planet Vulcan. He’s not. Spock is a half breed, half human and half Vulcan, and that’s why I’m going to compare him to Jack. That’s where these layers come from.

Vulcans breeding with humans is seen as a taboo, you see. It’s just not done. There’s all sorts of reasons for this (such as mating rituals) but among them is that Vulcans see humans as emotionally volatile (and unenlightened because of it). A half human child, therefore, is equally prone to this volatility. Spock attends Vulcan schools where he has disputes with other children and basically has to try twice as hard to BE Vulcan to prove that his human half doesn’t make him less than. This troubles his father, of course, because Sarek did fall in love with a human woman (two actually) and he loves and admires the humanity in his son. But Sarek - being wholly Vulcan - is never able to actually express this. Spock didn’t find out the true depth of his father’s feelings until he mindmelded with Picard in season 5 of TNG). Anyway, I’m wandering off topic.

The thing about Vulcans that is overlooked by haphazard pop culture references is that they do feel emotions. They feel them with deep intensity, but through societal pressure/meditation they’ve built a resilience to expressing them--a resilience that fractures every time their hormones go crazy. Spock struggles with his emotions because he has two conflicting halves to contend with, human volatile emotionality and Vulcan intensity with deliberate emotional repression. He is unemotional because he’s gone to pains to suppress it in the past, and identifying and empathizing/sympathizing with those emotions isn’t something his upbringing has trained him to do. Spock chooses to focus on his Vulcan side. As a consequence this half-Vulcan raised on Vulcan acts like a Vulcan because he doesn’t understand the emotions of the people around him, and is detached from something that a human upbringing could have taught him. Spock represents, therefore, an interesting example of duality because it is his choice which defines him:

Data: “As you examine your life, do you find you have missed your Humanity?" Spock: "I have no regrets." Data: "'No regrets.' That is a Human expression." Spock: "Yes. Fascinating."

(For those who don’t know Data’s story is more like Castiel’s, it’s a story about aspiring toward inachievable humanity)

(Author’s note: If you want an idea of how Vulcan culture works, it’s like imagine Toxic Masculinity: The Planet but instead of men being subtly forced to hide their vulnerability it’s generations of very long living, stubborn people being subtly forced to hide their emotions entirely. Nope, that still sounds like Earth)

So Jack is dumped in Dean and Sam’s world, fully grown, surrounded by all these emotions. He FEELS DEEPLY. He has strong and volatile emotions, just like Spock, that he has no understanding of how to demonstrate. Take, for example, that Jack went in to Mia and asked her to become his mother, the deep and intense emotion that motivated that arrangement. There is genuine emotion there, but Jack doesn’t know what to call it, how to identify with it, or if the feeling is good or bad (which is the greatest issue of all because he Does Not Want To Be Bad)--he only knows that it hurts. But what is he supposed to do with that hurt? Man up, maybe?

That Jack’s powers, therefore, are linked to his expressions of emotion is particularly interesting. Outbursts of emotion have been linked to power before in the show, and specifically parallels to Max Miller were brought up in this episode too. That’s no surprise. But Jack’s power is angelic in origin, so his being able to express it through emotion, which is arguably unangelic (though I have opinions on that, damn it) is a whole other kettle of cod.

Jack has been dumped in a world of emotion without the ability to empathize or sympathize. He’s trying, but it’s no surprise he’s having difficulty. Unlike Castiel who had years to begin to learn emotion long before he became human, Jack has been thrown in at the deep end, and it’s not helped at all that these tidepools of human grief are his window on that world because the one thing Sam and Dean aren’t being at the moment is emotionally consistent.

Anyway. I’d been staring at this gifset @elizabethrobertajones made and literally couldn’t put my inner trekkie to sleep. I’m sure this was meant to make more sense than it did originally, but it’s just my take on it. Both Anakin and Spock canonically experience strong emotions and both are taught by the institutions meant to train them that those emotions are dangerous. In Anakin’s case emotion helps him harness greater power. Both have to struggle with their duality, and both face prejudgement because of it. Ultimately despite their differences they both have to make a choice. Unfortunately for Jack, he has to deal with both aspects of his duality as a nephilim and whether his powers/emotions or possible lack of each make him good or evil.

Which leaves him struggling with one question: Who am I?

the gay ass anime masterpost*

*not actually a masterpost, since i give about two and a half fucks about keeping this updated or properly categorized. real loose classifications to follow. shit i haven’t seen in italics; stuff i’d highly recommend in bold. now updated w/ streaming links (some are US-only tho, sorry)

no predatory lesbians or okama joke characters or else we’ll be here all day. k? k.

LGBT-THEMED: anime that directly addresses LGBT identity as one of its primary focuses

Revolutionary Girl Utena

the ez one

Yurikuma Arashi

Class S is bullshit, did u know that. Also, thirsty-ass bear girls and a real angry takedown of the patriarchy

Flip Flappers

I don’t know how you can read this show as anything but lesbian sexual awakening, especially given the Class S Yuri Hell episode

Wandering Son (Hourou Musuko)

pls pay attention to the T friends

Aoi Hana (Sweet Blue Flowers)

Showa Genroku Rakugo Shinju

Kikuhiko is def not cishet and i will fite u if u insist otherwise. Half the show’s choices make no sense without that lens

Yuri!!! on Ice

fite me

LGBT-THEMED; LIMITED REP: anime that addresses gender or sexuality as a secondary focus, though perhaps lacking explicit representation (e.g. LGBT narratives in the secondary cast). 

The Woman Called Fujiko Mine (from the director of Yuri!!! on Ice)

One of the supporting characters is a gay man struggling w/ masculinity

Gay schoolgirl episode all about female sexual repression

did i mention the titty is good

Princess Jellyfish

Prominent focus on gender presentation

Kuranosuke can be read as a closeted trans woman

Paradise Kiss

Heroine’s love interest is bisexual

Trans woman in the supporting cast; trans identity plays a major role in her story

Ouran High School Host Club

Discusses gender + gender presentation, though protagonist isn’t explicitly stated to be nonbinary

Protagonist’s parents implied to be genderqueer; father definitely bi

Plenty of gay subtext among the male cast

Scum’s Wish

Strong focus on female sexuality; main character is bisexual

Central cast also includes a lesbian

Simoun

Discusses gender as more of an abstraction? Takes place in a world where everyone is born female to later choose a permanent gender. It does less to directly address gender than you’d expect, though, which is why I’m sticking it here

From the New World (Shin Sekai Yori)

Future dystopia where societal norms practically mandate bisexuality. Honestly, I dunno where to put this; the story’s more concerned with sexuality in general than with LGBT identity

Devilman Crybaby

Classic characters reinterpreted through a queer lens; important theme of coming to terms with one’s own sexuality and identity. Ryo is the definition of disaster gay 

LGBT REP: anime w/ positive depictions of LGBT characters, though not necessarily concerned w/ addressing queerness directly. 

Samurai Flamenco

Four words: gay naked gunpoint proposal. the show makes about that much sense but it’s a lotta fun

i don’t care what the director said

bisexual girl in a poly relationship 

No. 6

boys kissing tho???

Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid

pls ignore the manga and its magic dick nonsense

Haruchika

One of the two leads is a gay boy. He explicitly says so in the first episode. Avoid the live-action movie like the plague.

I should probably list Kase-san and Bloom Into You here

Mikagura School Suite

The heroine is REALLY THIRSTY for all the cute girls

Gankutsuou: The Count of Monte Cristo

Beyond the obvious homoerotic overtones of Albert/the Count, there’s Franz’s gay crush

Sympathetic trans girl character in the secondary cast

Michiko and Hatchin (from the director of Yuri!!! on Ice!!!)

Girls are good ok

Atsuko is gay

Macross Delta

two girls in the supporting cast do a hell of a lotta cuddling on screen

some versions of Sailor Moon

namely the ‘90s anime

Sailor Moon Crystal and the manga do address gender in… questionable ways

Tokyo Godfathers

Trans woman in the main cast

Tiger and Bunny

Reasonably respectful portrayal of a gay man once it gets going

Central relationship between two men could be read as romantic

Genshiken

Whispered Words (Sasameki Koto)

Psycho-Pass

One of the officers is a lesbian. She gets a focus episode

Monogatari series

Really just limited to Kanbaru, but she’s the most accurate depiction of the constantly horny dank meme problematic gay (e.g. me) i’ve ever seen, ironic propositioning of her straight dude friend and all. The rest of the franchise is obnoxious though, so ymmv

Kill la Kill?

i don’t know how else you interpret one girl kissing another on the mouth

Attack on Titan

If you’ve been living under a rock and somehow haven’t heard about it Ymir and Christa are all but explicitly stated to be in love with each other

Kino’s Journey

Kino asks people to use non-gendered pronouns, apparently? I haven’t seen this yet.

Knights of Sidonia

Non-binary character in the main cast

The manga goes some iffy places with their character tho, be warned

Really though, I mostly like this show for the sentient pink penis alien

Gatchaman Crowds

Several gender non-conforming characters

Trans girl in the main cast

Cardcaptor Sakura?

Fuuka

One of the dudes is canonically gay, not that it makes much of an improvement to the show

A Centaur’s Life

there’s a moment where a lesbian objects to her PDA being considered more obscene than the straight equivalent, which is nice but pretty off-the-cuff

Rose of Versailles

Oscar’s debatably genderqueer, though the show goes some real questionable places towards the end

Gay ladies?

Hunter x Hunter

Trans girl in the supporting cast. Her story’s extremely minor in the grand scheme of things but it’s there and it’s good

Love and Lies

potato-kun gets a harem that includes his male best friend

Land of the Lustrous

non-gendered rock people searching for meaning in life

Bodacious Space Pirates

via @madscientist212​: “two explicitly lesbian characters who are lovers, and one of the story arcs involves the crew helping one of them avoid being forced into an arranged marriage to a dude by her uncle”

Banana Fish

Extremely dated BL-flavored crime drama; unfortunately falls into the pitfalls of old-ass exploitation films: csa, sexual assault, etc. It’s such a problematic fav tho

Kiss Him, Not Me

Reverse harem includes a lesbian

Double Decker! Doug & Kirill

heavy gay subtext between leads and secondary cast members; well-intentioned trans representation that’s... kinda clumsy, tbh

Zombie Land Saga

one of the zombie girls is a trans girl who dies from the shock of puberty. it’s p incidental to her character but the show’s real cute otherwise so go for it

Anima Yell

apparently one of the girls admits to having a crush on a female teacher. or something. idk this show looks hella boring why bother

THE SUBTEXT IS STRONK: not textually gay (some you could argue could fall under category #2 and vice versa; not the point of this post) but can be read that way, even though these shows aren’t super concerned w/ romance in general

Puella Magi Madoka Magica

Neon Genesis Evangelion?

Depending on the version, Shinji’s sexuality can be read a variety of ways. Manga Shinji is pretty clearly bi; TV anime Shinji you could debate. 

Free, I guess

Love Live (Sunshine esp.) if I’m counting Free

Symphogear

Dear Brother (Oniisama e, otherwise known as BE STRONG)

Kids on the Slope (Sakamichi no Apollon)

Nominally they’re straight and pining for the same girl but BOY do Kaoru and Sentarou have a LOT of chemistry with each other, so much that it’s hard to read them otherwise

Marimite (Maria Watches Over Us)

Izetta: The Last Thing I Would Watch Even If I Had a Gun Pointed at My Head

Despite what you may have heard, this show is bad and 100% plays in bait territory. Also, obnoxious gun fetishism and way. too. much. goddamn. phallic imagery.

Tanaka-kun is Always Listless

Umamusume: Pretty Derby

Princess Principal

Spiritpact

I have complicated feelings about this goddamn trash fire of a show, but halfway through the second season it turns into a genuinely compelling gay pseudo-romance (?) about two boys navigating heteronormativity. also i guess the main couple exists, tho they spend a ridiculous amount of effort no-homoing

Amanchu

basically any sports anime ever tbh 

Golden Kamuy

MADE FOR THE STRAIGHTS BUT STILL OK: the yuri, BL, etc. that’s clearly targeted at a heterosexual audience but respectful enough to be enjoyable for the people they’re about

Doukyuusei

This Boy Caught a Merman

This Boy is a Professional Wizard

Strawberry Panic

Love Stage??? I have some qualms about putting this here but of the trashy BL anime that exist this is probably the least offensive

Maria-Holic

TEXTUALLY GAY BUT BLUGHHHH: the yuri and BL that just sux

Sakura Trick

Junjou Romantica (how the hell does this thing have three seasons)

Sekaiichi Hatsukoi

Gakuen Heaven

Dramatical Murder (POTATO DOGGO)

Super Lovers UGH

idk Gravitation and all that other crappy BL I don’t have the patience to list

GIMME THE TRASH NOW: problematic as all hell but i sure ain’t complainin b/c i’m gay ass trash

Netsuzou Trap (NTR)

Riddle Story of Devil

Love to Lie Angle

if you ever wanted a generic ass harem comedy except with a potato girl instead of a potato guy, here’s that compressed into 3 minutes

Citrus

Corpse Party wwww

Gakuen Handsome FITE ME

NOT TOUCHING THIS HORNET’S NEST WITH A TEN FOOT POLE: pls,,,, save me from the Disk Horse

Sound! Euphonium

One of these days I might organize this a lil better. Maybe if/when Tumblr figures out how to make editing not a pain in the ass

207

Can you remember the first survey that you ever took?  I don’t remember taking it but it’s permanently on the Internet on my old survey blog also on Tumblr. It was in 2012 and I was a completely sociopathic person back then...I can’t even do a then-and-now version of that first survey because my answers were dreadful as fuck. What did you spend the majority of the last night doing?  I took forever to answer one survey that I ended up finishing just now, and then I watched a new episode of my show. Have you ever had a particularly disturbing dream? About?  I have had a lot but the ones that’ve been most disturbing are the dreams that involve me or Gabie getting shot. There was one time last year that I had a streak of dreams, all of them about Gabie being shot different ways. Safe to say I often woke up heaving and crying and having to call her. What goes through your mind when someone threatens suicide?  I panic, honestly. I’m not necessarily the go-to person for suicide threats, being suicidal myself. It’s just going to cause me to be overwhelmed; but I will try my best to be instrumental in convincing them not to, of course. Have you ever expressed that you wanted to kill yourself?  Yes. [trigger warning] The worst of it was a few months ago when I let my closest friends know that I had everything planned out, all their questions answered, have my things designated for certain people. It had to take some pretty persistent and harsh convincing for me to finally change my mind.

Should gay marriage be legalized? What are your reasons?  As common sense dictates, yes. I doubt it will ever happen in the Philippines any time soon though as we have, for the longest time, been a Catholic, traditional, and conservative country. If the tides ever turned, it wouldn’t be for a long, long time, and with brutal opposition from the Catholic majority.

As for my reasons, I mean isn’t it simply so that everybody has equal rights in marriage? It’s more than ‘people can love who they love’–at the face of the law it’s really just so that everyone has the same opportunities when it comes to marrying the person that they’re with, deeming discrimination useless. Traditional people are a huge pain in my ass for this.

Would you ever consider getting an abortion, under any circumstances?  If the baby was already in such a debilitating condition even before birth that there is no chance of them surviving childhood, yes. I don’t know about other cases and I’ll only ever know about how I would react if the situation was already right in front of me. What do you think of people who get abortions?  I can’t make a blanket statement about something like that. Let’s just say I believe it needs to stay legal and available. < Yep especially to the first part. I always just say to myself that every woman had their reasons. What was the last bug you killed?  An annoying one that kept walking all over my laptop screen last night. Do you ever argue or debate with people about your beliefs?  At the most minimal level. I don’t really like getting into arguments nowadays, plus it’s really helpful that all of my friends have homogeneous beliefs when it comes to touchy topics in the country like politics, religion, sex, etc. If yes, when was the last time?  Probably at the dinner table a couple of months ago when my dad unfortunately started defending our perverted murderous fascist of a president. When was the last time you felt turned on?  Two weeks ago... :/ Didn’t see Gab at all last week so. When was the last time you felt disgusted with someone/something?  A couple of hours ago. I was reheating my pasta when I unconsciously drooled... Do you typically finish all the food you put on your plate?  Yes. Do you continue eating even when you are full?  I do that in buffet restaurants so I could get my money’s worth. What is the most wasteful thing that you do on a regular basis? Coming from a school that was really strict about staying green and eco-friendly, I’ve always been more conscious about the things I use and how not to waste them. What is one weird eating habit that you have?  I dip everything in mayonnaise so long as there is mayonnaise available. What is something other people tease you about?  My chest. It was annoying as a teenager but I don’t mind it at all now when they brutally roast me on my lack of a chest. Does it bother you to be teased about this?  No, because to be fair the jokes they make about it are funny :(( Would you rather suffer from anorexia or bulimia?  What the actual fuck. < This is the worst question.  What is the worst question a survey could ask you?  The previous one is one of them. Do you think it’s okay for a survey to ask if you’ve been raped? Why?  It always surprises me to see it, but I guess survey takers tend to overshare anyway so maybe it’s not too far out there. < Agree. It just becomes concerning to me when it becomes a trigger to some. Would you answer such a question honestly, if faced with it?  I always have. If you are a vegetarian, do you look down on people that eat meat?  I’m not a vegetarian, but I wouldn’t look down on omnivores if I ever converted since I ate meat once too... Why do you think some vegetarians behave that way?  Dunno. Maybe because they’re overly proud and believe they’re on a whole other higher level that they were able to get over meat, something most people love to eat and live on. Kind of the same case with some straight-edge people who get very preachy about drinking, because a lot of people drink for fun and for socializing. At the end of the day I think it’s sometimes about the human tendency to think they are cool because they aren’t doing something popular haha but idk that’s just how I see it. Some vegetarians lay out respectable arguments and knowledge though; that I have no problem with. If you eat meat, what do you tend to think of vegetarians/vegans?  I have loads of respect for them for living such a lifestyle that takes lots of restraint and willpower at first. I like their dedication, especially if they are doing it for ethical reasons. I know I would have a reeeeally difficult time trying to change my entire diet, which I’m planning to do once I’m capable of sustaining myself. If you paint your nails, what color do you generally choose?  I don’t know. A nice shade of dark pink would be nice though. If you could spend a day as the opposite gender, what would you do?  Get a boner, masturbate, hahahahahahahahahaha. What are some good things about your gender?  We are generally more caring and warmer. I also like the fact that we are emotional, since it helps build relationships more. Most of the women I know are empathetic too, which I admire. What are some of the downsides?  Women love tearing women down. It has always baffled me. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to start life over?  Yes. Sounds perfect to me. What might you do differently?  The better situation would be if I lived a different life altogether, and not starting the same life over. All of the horrible things that happened in my childhood were not my doing and thus it would be pointless if I just had to relive another decade in a house that didn’t help my well-being at all. If you could spend a year living in a foreign country, which would it be?  South Korea. Why did you make this particular choice?  Just because I’m biased. And I’ve watched too many Korean programs to know how to survive there at the most basic level. What is the next big event you have planned, if any?  Not really an event and definitely not something I planned, but I’m going on a field trip to Pampanga with my art studies class this Saturday. What do you do to entertain yourself on long car rides?  A good playlist would help tons. I don’t like talking to my family so that’s useless. Occasionally I would bring my own movies to watch, but there are times that I get dizzy more easily than usual. What do you say to someone who is annoying you?  I don’t usually waste my time talking to them. How do you let someone know you don’t like them?  I don’t talk to them in the first place. If that can’t be avoided, I’m usually able to keep it civil until they do something that’d piss me off. When was the last time you felt insecure? What happened?  Last night. I don’t really want to go into detail about it. How did/do you feel about learning to drive? Who taught you?  I was scared and heavily convinced at first that I would never learn and never get past driving inside my village. My dad taught me, but eventually I got enrolled in driving school, where he paid for only three days’s worth of lessons. What do you think of people that like the Twilight series?  I think that we ought to talk about it together heh. I don’t like the crazy fans though, if they still exist these days. What do you think of using lyrics to express how you feel?  I have no problem with it. I use that on Twitter sometimes; coping becomes easier that way. Do you prefer profile pictures by yourself of with someone else? It doesn’t matter, whatever just looks best at that time. When’s the last time you had Sunny D? I don’t know what that is. Is there anything hot pink within five feet of you? My notebook. Have you ever told someone you hated them and meant it? Nope. I said it to my siblings as a kid but obviously those weren’t meant. I’ve never said those words to someone in this age. Do you and your friends ever make up ‘code names’ for people? We did that in fifth grade for our crushes. Would you rather go out to breakfast, lunch or dinner? Dinner. Do you know how to work a barbecue? I don’t. Do you find it rude when people text when they’re talking to you? It’s the worst. I always, always put my phone away when talking with someone. What would you do if the last person you spoke to on the phone asked you to marry them? Yes, but get back to me in like eight years. What’s the longest you’ve ever been out of your state/province? A week and a few days. Do you know anyone who has written a book? Yep, my professors. Would you rather have eggs or waffles for breakfast? Waffles. I love eggs equally, but that’s what I have all the time so it’d be nice for a change. How many people could you fit (standing up) in your kitchen? It starts to get cramped by the time 20 people are there. How long would it take to walk to the nearest McDonald’s? Right now? It’s probably a 30-minute walk. Does your best friend have any pets? Yes, they both have dogs. Is there something that happened to you ages ago but seems like only yesterday? Yuh. A kid never forgets seeing their relatives in a drunken stupor every night. Where would you go if you wanted a fake ID? I don’t know any resources. I’m too honest to have my own made :// What would you do if the last person you laughed with dated your best friend? “Duuuuude. Why?” Who’s the last person you shot a dirty look to? Not a person, it was a stupid 10-wheeler. What was your second to last conversation about? Forgot. I haven’t opened my mouth to talk for a while now. Do you drink milk/juice from the carton if no one is around? [continued from a few days ago] No. Mostly because of an incident when I was a kid - I drank milk from the carton once and it turned out to be spoiled. Never tried it again. Do you know anyone who broke a limb from being in a car accident? No, but they broke their nose. Have you ever burned a photo of you and a person you were angry with? OMG no, that’s super theatrical though hahaha. Would you prefer working at a grocery store or an ice cream parlor? Why? I guess an ice cream parlor. It seems more chill and I like dealing with kids anyway. The grocery is always filled with rude old people. Has anyone ever told you they liked you in a realllly sweet way? Yes. Is there any ice cream in your house right now? What kind? We do have a tub of cookies and cream ice cream in the ref. What’s the best part of sleepovers? All the stories that come out of them. What’s the most comfy thing to sleep in? A blanket. Does the last person who sent you a message online wear makeup? Dunno, maybe? I don’t know her all that well yet. Would you rather have an overly cheerful cashier, or a completely silent one? Cheerful. It does wonders to my day. Do you cry at weddings? No...I was a kid for most of the weddings I’ve been to so it was just me waiting for it to be over. Still, at this age I still don’t think I would cry. Do you find yourself waking up in the middle of the night frequently? Yeah. I just wake up. Do you bring pillows on road trips? We already have pillows in the car so that we don’t have to take out the ones from the house.  What’s the most important thing for a road trip? For me, cellphone signal. I always want to be talking to my girlfriend when I go somewhere far away. Has a member of the opposite sex ever given you jewlery? No. Do you like camping, or would you rather stay home? Camping if it’s with a bunch of people I love and only if it’s well-planned. Other than that, I would rather be home. Do you know anyone whose name is your middle name? I have never met anyone with the same maiden name. Do you think Super Bad was as funny as everyone said? I haven’t even seen it. If you wanted a hamburger right now, where would you go? Burger King just across our village. What about a new pair of shoes? There’s a place called Just Things but their prices are outrageous, so I’d rather go somewhere a little farther but is more affordable, The Playground. Do you find sleeping in cars easy? That’s only posisble if I’m too tired. Usually I’m unable to. How long would your hair be if you cut off eight inches? My hair might just reach the tip of my head then... Would you do that? I’d rather fully shave my head than have an awkward chunk sitting at its tip. Have you ever woke up with someone you didn’t know next to you? Nope. Has a boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s parents ever gotten mad at you? Why? No. I’d never want to do anything that would piss them off...quite the contrary. I would do everything they asked me to and more. Her mom has told me she loves me. Her dad is less affectionate but clearly approves of me. Have you ever been friends with a boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s siblings? I was closer to them when they were younger. They’re now teenagers so they’ve been more shy around me these days, but I love them and am always working on getting closer to them. Who’s the last person you told to shut up? Probably my sister. Do you know who Blair Waldorf is? Only because of the media and my friends. Do you own any hot pink clothes? Nope.

This is it! The Final Episode! The Last Installment! The Swan Song of the Blog! I’m 40 as hell already! (01-14-18)

Original Goals 

Looking back at the goals I laid out in the first post for this blog… I didn’t do bad.

Body Goals:

My weight is where is should be.. Weigh in 158.5  

The 2 inches off the waist didn’t happen. Ha! The waist is as trashy as it was but probably no worse.. since I never measured with tape I have to judge based on which pants I can or can not button and how uncomfortable it is to put a sock on.. which still tends to fluctuate after a few good or bad weeks.. but I’d say I’m right about where I started.

(this is from today at the gym when I registered for a thing... :D) 

The elbow miraculously healed.. the pain is gone but last week I noticed it was radiating heat like a nuclear reactor so.. I might wanna get it checked out.. or maybe I just have a hot laser in my elbow from the spider bite. #superpowers

We all know that I pissed away any chance of being “11 months smoke free” a long time ago, but I recommitted to ruining that goal this past week during vacation/birthday celebrations when I torched 2 full packs of Marlboro Reds. I really do think the 2 Tough Mudders I’ve signed up for will help keep me from reaching for the reds in my weaker moments.

Blood pressure has not been checked but I’d be surprised if it’s great after the birthday week vacation I’ve had of all night bars and all day food closing out with a delicious “brisket burnt ends” sandwich from The Joint.

Career Goals:

Documentary is not finished, but it is much closer and I’m more fired up about it than ever! This one is gonna hit like a Bruce Lee kick, y’all. I aim to complete and submit to festivals by the end of March and that is still absolutely manageable with my much lighter spring semester schedule.

Longer term job offer.. I got that since I got the full time job offer this past August which I’ve accepted. I also did get accepted to an MFA Screenwriting program, but I declined to go in favor of the job and the chance to actually finish the film.

Feature film script.. I know exactly what I want to write next but.. that goal seems insanely over ambitious looking back.. I definitely assumed everything would go much faster with the doc than it did, but.. I’ll say now that by this time next year I fully expect to have achieved that goal. Can’t wait to write again!

Heart/Mind Goals:

I aimed at 7000 minutes and 20mins/day average.. The phone won’t tell me how many minutes unless I sit and add up each day.. but it does say 21 mins/day avg for the year, which is crazy! I touched on what I feel like I get out of meditation a few times earlier so I won’t yammer on rewording the same thoughts, but it feels good to know I’ve been able to take a small step in the direction I think is good for me. I want to do much longer sits this year.

Elliptical/Sauna.. 

I’m sure I also averaged 20/mins in the sauna for the year but the elliptical I walked away from in favor of shorter runs on the treadmill so.. I sorta traded that and my phone doesn’t track the treadmill so.. you’ll have to take my word that I feel I probably did also get that average. I was in the gym a LOT this year. Ha!

Fed My Head:

I aimed at 12 audiobooks and I did 17. I would love to do even more but editing requires the focus of all the faculties I possess.

I certainly however did not “read more than 10 books.” I read chunks of a lot of books mostly relating to preparing film syllabi and keeping my head in the film problem solving space. But I just finished of Year of Magical Thinking, given to me by my dad after my friend Palma died. It’s a tough read b/c of what the author went through, and not at all what I expected from the title, but I would recommend it for anyone who cares about people :)  

A Very Special THANK YOU to Scott McCarthy 

Owner of Balance Strength and Fitness Center www.balancefitnesstraining.com

Scott voluntarily gave me a 4 day workout routine. He tailored it to my situation, a slowly healing elbow and someone who can’t spend 3 hours in the gym everyday.. and while my food and beer habits probably prevented me from losing the belly flab, I definitely gained noticeable muscle in my arms, chest and legs. So, I’m certainly stronger than I’ve ever been and in a pretty well rounded way. Without Scott’s workout plan I’m sure that I would’ve waffled from one thing to the next w/o seeing any results, but with it, I had just the right amount of workout 4 days a week and I was able to push myself each time I walked into the gym. And it was great to know that I had a map from someone who looks like the Incredible Hulk and has been training people for 20 years. He just moved into a new place and upgraded the gym that he owns. He also knows a ton about nutrition and will happily call bullshit on a lot of fads that come through, but he’ll tell you exactly why it’s bullshit. Much Respect! Scott! I owe you some video work, brother! Let’s coordinate and we’ll put some cool spots together for the gym. If you (dear reader) are in the Delaware area and want to get real about training stop reading this and drive directly to his gym… unless it’s really late. Then just go FIRST THING TOMORROW!

Final Thoughts..

I want to thank every single person who read this thing even once and especially those of you who shot me a little word of encouragement or a book suggestion along the way privately or publicly. I truly do believe as an experiment it was successful even if all the goals weren’t met b/c I did have the idea of being held accountable for my actions in mind probably more than you’d imagine. And while it didn’t keep every cheeseburger or cigarette out of my face, it did get me to meditate on weeks where I might not have at all. And the fact that I mediated a few times or ate healthier a few times to be able to report that I had done so doesn’t make me feel like I’m somehow a fake. I was as honest as I could be about everything I did and in the case of food, exercise and mediation in service of the audience.. I still get the benefit of each thing even if it isn’t coming from some pure unpolluted source of willpower. I think there’s a bit of horseshit in most ideas that swirl around purity anyway, so.. I’m good with using the blog in the way that I did.

I’m also glad to be done. Ha! I’m happy that I stuck with it for the full year, but.. I’m looking forward to returning to keeping my shameful failures quiet like everyone else online. When I get time I will probably go back and read through the entire year and there’s a chance I might gain some personal insights from that, so I look forward to doing that. And after a borderline belligerent 10 days in New Orleans to celebrate the fact that I’m still standing at 40, I’m also looking forward to getting back to regular exercise (which I did none of in Nola even tho I brought the running shoes :D) as well as returning to eating more like an athlete in training than an idiot with a death wish. I did yoga Thursday and got back in the gym for the first full workout of the new year today - one week after getting back from vacation.

Goals for 2019:

Heart/Mind

Some kind of dinner with people once or twice a month Keep a daily food and exercise journal Mediate 30mins/day Listen to 20 Books Read 5 Books

Career

Get the film sold at a festival Finish a feature screenplay and get lead cast attached  

Body

Zero Cigarettes Lose most of the belly flab - I just signed up for an 8 week fitness challenge at my gym :) Maintain Gym routine (4-6 days/week weights, 2-3 mile runs 1-2 days/week) Keep doing yoga once a week Keep an eye on Blood Pressure

Food

Take probiotic stomach supplements for a year.  Beef no more than once a week (taper down to once a month by end of year) Quit fast food. AKA - quit being gross, AKA quit using my organs as an industrial sludge filter    

Eat more good for your gut stuff in general (straight copying my cousin on his cabbage soup/quinoa moves)  

Booze

Alcohol limited to dinner with friends and 1 glass of wine with dinner (I did this wine w/ dinner thing for a stretch of time in the past. It worked and I like it). Not drinking makes it a lot easier to quit smoking as well - I once quit both for 9 months.. I did the one glass of wine/night all last week. It worked. And I’m cutting beer completely for the next 8 weeks so as to get fucking shredded to maximum and win $750 from this god damn fitness challenge.

I think a big part of why some people find it hard to finish writing books.. or anything is b/c they don’t feel like the end is good enough.. and maybe this end is lacking. I put off writing it for a couple weeks b/c I wanted to make it special in some way.. I wanted it to feel like an amazing ending.. but done is better than perfect and I am now done. I love y’all! I really do! Thanks for all the support!

And remember.. “when things look bad and it looks like you’re not gonna make it, then you gotta get mean. I mean plumb, mad-dog mean. ‘Cause if you lose your head and you give up.. then you neither live nor win. That’s just the way it is.” - (fictional character) Josey Wales  

Get Mean in 2019 ;)