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astralis-ortus · 19 days

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placebo effect

✱ boyfriend!bc × fem!reader

— maybe the actual remedy is his smile.

w.count → 1.2k genre → fluff warnings → reader is sick :(, mild cussing, kissing, cute pet names (baby, love, princess) and generally very much in love it makes me sick >:( heh a.n → based on this request! kinda speeding through this (immediately worked on this after i posted the last fic), but i am in need of just pure fluff so here we are, a few hours later. heh♡ ⋆ see masterlist

being sick felt like shit.

growing up, you’ve always been the kid with perfect attendance. be it in school or throughout uni, you’ve always made the effort to attend every single one of your classes—and one of the reasons was all because you rarely ever got sick. maybe it’s because of your parents’ good genes, or likely due to how your mom made sure you always took your daily vitamins, but you’re always known as one the healthiest kids in the class.

that record, however, ended after you graduated a few years back.

you’d like to blame it the shift of environment—you know, given that you literally flew thousands of miles away to chase your lifelong dream, but considering you also moved states away from home for uni… that likely wasn’t the case.

“hey there, sleepyhead.”

a soft groan rolled off your lips when you felt your bed dip to your boyfriend’s weight, his fingers gently ran through your surely messy hair. your attempt to crack a peek at chris wasn’t quite a success, considering how even the slightest bleeding light from the gap behind your curtain was quick to trigger the soft throb in your head to return, fetching another set of low whimpers out of you.

“it’s okay, baby. i’m here. how’s your headache?” he hummed; pads of his fingers now gently pressed against the base of your head as he attempted to relief any pain that might still linger.

chris, your angel of a boyfriend, had been taking care of you since your condition started to decline the day prior. despite your stubbornness about still going to work (which didn’t end well, considering you were sent home by lunch anyway), chris didn’t even peep a word and readily picked you up from work, all geared up with your favorite porridge and cold medicine he picked up on the way.

“it’s fine as long as i don’t open my eyes,” you meekly answered, voice still noticeably very different from your usual cheery ones. “which reminds me, we do need a black out curtain, hun.”

his chuckle filled the rather quiet bedroom, involuntarily tugging the corner of your pale lips into a smile. “we’ll get them after you’re all better, baby,” he assured, hand that rested on the back of your neck now pressed against your forehead, “fever’s pretty much gone. think you could sit up for a bit? gotta fill your tummy with food before the meds, love.”

you know he’s right—you do need to eat, but with the way you’re currently feeling, protesting at any request to shift your body was the only available option.

“can i just eat later?” you pursed your lips, attempting to appeal your plea with a dash of cuteness you knew chris have a hard time standing his ground against. “maybe sleeping more will help…”

“nuh uh, no can do, princess,” chris gently tapped his finger on the tip of your nose, “you need the meds. the food too, but most importantly your meds. i don’t want your suffering to prolong just because you didn’t get your meds on time,” he reasoned, pads of his fingers now gently massaging the top of your head and in turn made you sigh in relief. chris always knew what to do whenever you complained about a headache, and you’re grateful for that.

“fiiine,” you exaggerated, reaching out your arms as a signal for chris to help you up. even with your eyes closed, you knew he had that proud grin etched on his lips when he gently pulled you to sit straight. you winced at the ache, but voiced no complaint as chris planted a light kiss on your scrunched forehead.

“a sec, okay? i’ll bring the radish soup for you,” chris left another kiss on the top of your head, grinning at how excitedly you reacted to the kind of food he had prepared before you heard his disappearing footsteps.

you forced a peek around the room, noticing the dim lighting as chris kept the curtains closed for your comfort. after a quick scan of your and chris’ bedroom, one you’ve been spending a little too much time in for the past couple of days, your line of sight then rested upon your locked phone. a single tap on the screen, and the action easily made your brows furrow.

“babe—”

“chris, it’s 10am on a thursday,” you pointed out as soon as you heard his voice from just beyond the slightly ajar door, “didn’t you say things has been hectic lately?”

“well, yeah,” he shrugged, careful footsteps finally returned to your side, followed by the dip on your bed, “but you’re sick. getting you back to health is a lot more important to me than anything else.”

“christopher,” you groaned, pursing your lips in protest, “i told you to not do things like this! you’re important, what you do is important. you can’t let me stop you from doing all that!”

“but i’m not letting you,” he replied nonchalantly, blowing on the spoonful of soup and rice before he feeds you. “it is my decision. i want to take care of you, and nothing is more important for me than you. as simple as that.”

“but—”

“no more discussion on that matter, baby,” chris warned you, stern gaze immediately shutting off any complaints about to leave your tongue. “it’s on me. you’re my girlfriend, and to take care of you is what i need to do, because i love you and i want all the best for you. okay?”

maybe it’s the fever returning, but you could feel your cheeks warming up.

“…fine.”

with his lips blooming into a content smile, his hand returned to the steady flow of bowl-cooling off-feeding you. he’s happy, and it’s apparent through the way his gaze lingers on you every time you take another bite, slowly finishing the bowl of food in his hand.

maybe it’s your head fooling you with some kind of placebo effect, but you do feel better—simply by watching the tenderness in his face every time he looks at you.

“all done,” he cheerily announced after you took your last bite, gently wiping the corners of your lips with the pad of his thumb. “be back with the meds, okay? just a sec.”

his movements immediately ceased when he felt a tug on the t-shirt he’s wearing, eyes immediately returning to you in worry. “yes, love?”

you quietly looked at him, suddenly feeling a little shy—but why would you be?

“…you.”

“huh?” chris blinked, head involuntarily tilted to one side in confusion. “what was that, love?”

oh god.

“i really wanna kiss you,” you reiterated, lips slightly pursed in embarrassment, “but i don’t want you to catch the cold. but like—you’re just so adorable. why are you like this? i’m—"

any thoughts you had immediately vaporized as soon as you felt chris’ soft lips on yours—smile apparent against your lips. his warm hand gently cradled your cheek, and despite it being short, chris successfully left you feeling dazed.

“…wait,” you eventually blinked, face burning in embarrassment when you realized the cheeky grin he’s sporting just inches away from your face. “christopher! you’re gonna get sick!”

“well, what do you expect me to do?” chris shrugged as he walked backwards, away from you,

“my girlfriend said she wanted to kiss me—how could i say no to that?”

“gosh—christopher!”

©️ astralisortus, 2024. | likes and reblogs are highly appreciated♡

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sl-ut · 6 months

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random college!abby hcs

more!college abby

warnings: mentions of sex, drinking, drugs, and nudity, cursing, mild hint homophobia

first things first: jerry is alive and abby is his pride and joy

i'm serious... her mom died when she was a toddler and jerry hasn't had a long-term relationship since, so he's the only parental figure that she has

he took every precaution while raising her to make sure she always had everything she could ever need while also making sure that she didn't end up being an entitled brat

otherwise, she is very close with both of her father's siblings (her aunt is the only maternal relationship she has and definitely relied on her for all of her personal issues as a teenager), has a good relationship with jerry's mother and step-father

her mother was an only child, but her parents always come over for thanksgiving and even christmas sometimes

she was very supportive of her father taking in yara and lev after she moved out. she knew he was suffering from a severe case of empty nest syndrome. she def makes them feel so welcome right away like those strangers became her siblings in a matter of minutes

i'll only say it once ppl: OLD MONEY

jk i'll say it again. the andersons are a long line of surgeons and doctors so obvi they're gonna be well off

like, not "fund a research facility to get my kid into college" rich, they're more "i casually have a summer home, a ski chalet, and a ridiculously nice house to live in year round" rich.

her only real relationship was in high school (trigger warning: it was owen)

our bby had a bad case of comphet as a teenager

like fr she had not even considered the fact that she might be gay until she was two knuckles deep in some sorority girl during a party in her freshman year

after that she sort of just accepted it, she had no concern of her dad bc obviously he would be so accepting and supportive, but a few of her relatives def had an issue with it right off the bat (old money, old values)

she's been friends with manny, nora, owen, and mel since middle school, and the only one whose view of her seemed to change was owen (and mel too ig bc she stopped seeing abby as such a threat)

he drunkenly questioned her about it once, saying something super gross and along the lines of "you didn't seem gay when we were together"

to which she responded by offering him two choices; he could sit down and shut up or she would knock him tf out

he's cooled it since then but everyone knows that he still has a big fat crush on her so he still wants to believe he has a chance (even tho he was literally already talking to mel before they broke up and announced they were together only a few days after)

she's pre-med, majoring in bio and minoring in something totally different like classical lit or history or something

she's gonna end up being an orthopedic surgeon but later on in her career i can see her turning to teaching at a university or something

like doctor!abby turned prof!abby???? omg

is very health conscious

she's a gym rat, this we already know

she also takes her diet very seriously as well, but always has a secret stash of junk for when she really needs it

also careful with her alcohol/drug intake

she drinks on occasion (birthday, christmas, new years, etc, etc) but usually not very much (will almost always be sober enough to be the sober driver if need be)

she refuses to do any drugs during lacrosse season. she's so strict with her diet during the season that she won't ingest anything other than quality, nutritious food. she also needs to submit a drug test a few times per season so she doesn't wanna risk it.

in the off season, she's more willing to have a puff or two at a party or take an edible before a movie night or something (i don't see her doing any drug other than weed)

she lived with manny during her freshman and sophomore years

they had a shitty little apartment a few minutes away from campus

it was the only one that manny could afford on a student budget, and he refused abby's offer to get a nicer apartment and let her pay a larger portion of the rent than he did

they still had fun either way

manny loved having another person he could talk about girls with (he was initially gonna move in with owen but then he got ditched for mel)

every sunday morning they would get takeout for breakfast so manny could recount his night with the girl that had snuck out only a few hours earlier

she was a little hesitant to join in and share her own stories, but she finally got more comfortable in talking to him about it (RESPECTFULLY!!!!!!! she was so scared that she was gonna end up sounding like a literally disgusting pig but she keeps the details to a minimum and only says nice things unless the girl was a major bitch)

she's a lululemon/gymshark girly. her go-to style is definitely any variation of athlesiure. she wears lots of joggers, dry-fit tops, and the cleanest pair of white sneakers you'll ever see

underneath, i'm picturing her as more of a bralette type of girl. obviously she wears a sports bra to the gym, but on a regular basis, she likes wearing bralettes over bras bc she doesn't need that much support so they offer just enough without the discomfort of a bra

i'm settling the debate rn everyone, college!abby wears boxers AND panties

she finds boxers more comfortable on a day to day basis, but she likes wearing cheekies and thongs especially when she's wearing leggings

so dorky

she was definitely a sci-fi/fantasy kid

she grew up on harry potter, lord of the rings, star wars, etc etc

would love a partner who would watch them with her and actually enjoy it

unironically makes gym thirst traps on tiktok

her followers always comment supportive things like: looking good!, major gainssss, muscle mommy come destroy this pu-

still wears the iconic braid, but usually only when she's on the field. she occasionally wears her hair down, but i hc that she still likes to wear her hair pulled back in a cute little braided ponytail or a messy low bun

when she's older SHE CUTS HER HAIR OMG OMG OMG like literally i'm purring rn

like ik you've all seen that edit of her with super short hair omg she's so hot

in her junior year she decided to live on her own

manny moved in with jordan, who had been begging him for a while since the rent was more than he could handle on his own, though manny's rent would actually be cheaper than it was in his apartment with abby

they still do their traditions tho, still having sunday breakfast, still going to the campus pub on fridays for trivia, still going to the gym together on wednesdays...

they're actually besties i love them

when she's on her period, she craves salty foods

is so frustratingly confident in her emotions

will always try to diffuse the situation and pissing the other person off with her calmness

takes really good care of her skin

her favourite drink is diet cranberry gingerale

she's a dog person, but she would definitely enjoy having a cat around too

adopts a rescue dog a few weeks after finishing her residency

uses old spice fiji body wash and deodorant (SHE SMELLS SO FUCKING GOOD) and a musky vanilla body spray

likes to feel and be clean, but isn't too fussed about her body hair so long as it looks tidy. she isn't anti shaving, and will probably make an effort to shave more regularly in the early stages of a relationship until she's more confident and comfortable around the person

NSFW

down-there hair? duh

like i said, she likes to keep things tidy so she'll trim and maybe shave her bikini line if she's feeling it but that's it. she's not fussed with body hair, whether it's her or her partner's

again, she'll make an effort to keep herself looking neat and tidy for the first bit of a relationship but after a few weeks she's not afraid to go full-bush when she doesn't wanna shave

she doesn't love penetration. fingers are one thing, but she has only had not-so-great experiences with sex that involved a penis-like object. she'd wanna be the one wearing the strap for the most part, but she'd be willing to try it again with the right person

slow and passionate sex >>>>>

considers herself to be very vanilla but she's actually kinda kinkyyyyy (she gets so embarrassed and blushy when anyone calls her out for it)

she prefers scissoring to using her strap (but she LOVES her strap)

she doesn't like to choke her partners, but she will reach her hand up and just hold their throat while they're fucking

she's always so sensitive

came in like thirty seconds during her first time with another girl

she's noiiiiisssyyyyyyyy

she usually starts out with just heavy panting breaths, then they turn into deep grunts, then she begins to whine from low in her throat, and finally she begins to gasp out words of praise or curses

she squirts teehee

like i said she's always so sensitive, so if she's any ways worked up when someone's going down on her they better watch out bc they're in the splash zone

her strap is purple and sparkly

abby anderson eats ass

her nipples are super sensitive too

not really nsfw but she really loves casual nudity with her partners, changing in front of each other, hopping in the shower together, using the bathroom with the other person in the room...

she's a boob girl. doesn't matter if they're big, small, saggy, or perky, she just wants to suck them

when she's on top, she likes to pull her partner's leg over her shoulder and will just start like trailing kisses along the length of their calf

she's a literal munch

will use it to her advantage too

tells her partner she'll go down on them if they finish their assignments

#reader insert #x reader #imagines #lesbian #abby anderson #abby anderson imagine #abby anderson x reader #abby anderson x you #abby tlou #college!abby anderson

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lastoneout · 3 months

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Hey @ my fellow bitches and besties who deal with a lot constipation/gas/bloating because of IBS or other digestive issues!!

Did you know there's a way to deal with it at home on your own without medication?? Because my doctor sure didn't fucking tell me about this!! But I just tried it because my gas always makes me SO fucking nauseous that I can barely function and it takes like an hour for my nausea and IBS meds to kick in, but I always feel the urge to rub my stomach when I'm bloated, so my Wikipedia boyfriend ass googled it and YEP MASSAGING IS BACKED UP BY SCIENCE.

The article does say to not do this if you have recently had abdominal surgery, but here's the method:

"To perform abdominal massage on yourself.

Lie flat on your back with your belly exposed.

Overlap your hands on your lower belly and hold them here as you focus on your breath.

Warm your hands by rubbing them together for about 30 seconds.

Apply any oils that you’re using.

Use the palm of your hand to massage your entire stomach in a clockwise direction several times.

Then massage the centerline of your abdomen, starting below your sternum and ending at your pubic bone.

Do three more lines an inch apart down the left side of the abdomen.

Do the same on the right side of the abdomen.

Then press your fingers into your navel firmly.

Continue massaging with gentle pressure and circle outward from your navel in a clockwise direction.

You can spend extra time on specific areas or trigger points that feel like they need some extra attention.

Do this for up to 20 minutes.

If you don’t feel comfortable massaging yourself, you can also have your abdomen massaged by a massage therapist. Call before you make your appointment to see if the therapist performs abdominal massage. Not all masseuses provide this service."

I also found a slightly different one from the University of Michigan!

"Massaging your stomach can help to move stool along the inside of your colon. It may help relieve symptoms of tightness, pressure, cramping, and bloating.

Start on the right side of your stomach down by the bone of your pelvis.

Rub in a circular motion lightly up to the right side till you reach your rib bones.

Move straight across to the left side.

Work your way down to the left to the hip bone and back up to the belly button for 2-3 minutes.

Rub with your fingertips in a circular motion. You may press a little deeper with your fingers.

Spend about 1 minute moving from the right hip bone to the right ribs then 1 minute across the middle (gently) and then 1 minute down to the left bone by your pelvis to the belly button.

Repeat rub, always in a clockwise motion, for 10 minutes."*

I was literally so nauseous from being bloated that I couldn't even swallow food without feeling like I was going to puke, but I did the second one just sitting up at my desk, clockwise like they both said(I'm assuming bcs that's the direction things travel through your gut) and within like 2 minutes I felt better. I cannot BELIEVE no one has ever recommended this. Fucking life-changing. I used to just sit there and drink sprite and hope it was over soon and now I don't have to do that!! And if people already know about this that's good but like, again, no one EVER told me about this so if this can help even ONE person who struggles like I do I'll consider it a win!

Also, for clarification, I'm not advocating ditching your meds obvs, I just know it takes a while for pills to kick in and I don't think people should have to be miserable while they wait when there's something easy you can do to get some quick relief.

(*I added more bullet points to the second method because the wall of text was a little hard to read.)

#IBS #actually disabled #chronic disability #chronic illness #save #fav

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peach-and-bugs · 1 year

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TaiVan or Taissa or Van headcannon comfort fic for period cramps?

I wasn't sure if you meant TaiVan as a poly ship with the reader, so I did them both individually bc even if you're in a poly relationship this would be how I think they'd act

Taissa and Van Comforting you when you've got killer period cramps

tw: throwing up

Taissa

✰ Tai seems more practical to me given she's such a busy woman. but of course, she has time to take care of her girl when she's not feeling good, especially when its something that plagues her too like a painful period

✰ she seems like the type to focus on getting you feeling physically better. she's making sure you're taking pain meds, getting you good food to be eating and tea, plus she's regularly checking that your hot pad is still on and at a comfortable temperature

✰ she feels bad that she can't just call off everything she's doing to stay in bed with you all day but at the very least if she can she'll work from home so she can be at your bec and call when you need her

✰ she's making you your favorite foods that won't upset your stomach or ordering in for you in a heartbeat if that's what your feeling and once her day is done she's curling up on the couch with you, letting you snuggle into her lap while she rubs your back and players with your hair till you fall asleep

Van

✰ Van is far more focused on your emotional needs, which balances out really well with Tai's focus on your physical needs

✰ she's getting you all the junk food you want and spends all day sitting on the couch with you watching whatever it is you feel like watching. She wraps herself around you when you laying down, her arms wrapping around your middle to apply comfortable pressure to your abdomen when you need it. and she's always right there for a nice nap

✰ She's really good at comforting you when you get emotional or frustrated, listening quietly as she sits beside you, and rubbing your back, letting you get it all out. Though she doesn't like them (yes she does, she's 100% lying), she'll watch sappy romcoms with you to help get all your feelings out while also distracting you

✰ Van is also the one who helps you to the bathroom and back if/when you need to throw up. She's better at handling it than Tai so she'll take the bullet for both of them and help keep your hair out of your face, rubbing your back and holding you so you're comfortable during the whole awful ordeal

✰ Overall, you got really lucky with your partner(s). Both Van and Tai know what they need to do for you to feel better, and they gladly will dedicate that time to you because they understand and love you

#◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡ kay's at it again♡#yellowjackets #yellowjackets fanfic #yellowjackets x reader #yellowjackets thoughts #yellowjackets headcanons #taissa turner #taissa turner x reader #van palmer #van palmer x reader #taissa x van #Taissa x van x reader

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annonniiiiieeeee · 1 year

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so i know you mentioned the bros and usagi and co were going to continue protecting new york and the hidden city and stuff, but i can’t imagine a job like that paying much unless they were working for the police or something. so, if you plan on them having jobs other than that, what are they?

side note: i hc leo and mikey work for hueso for at least a little while, bc we know from that one hidden city ep they would make good(ish) servers

I just answered this a bit. As teenagers Usagi, Gen, and Kitsune work for Hueso. He called Leo in when he needs extra help and Mikey on days when his staff won’t come (mob days) Leo used to come whenever he needed a break from his family or a distraction from his thoughts. Now with his boyfriend and friends working there he basically has a part time job with how much he’s there helping out and hanging out with them.

As adults their jobs differ. Yes saving the city doesn’t pay the bills.

Donnie

a software engineer. He has two companies. One that sells hacking equipment and programs and one that sells security. There always seems to be an update in his hacking software right after there is an update in his security programs. There is just enough space for the people doing truly illegal stuff to get caught but never for the people pirating movies to get caught. Does he monitor his hacking programs to see what people are doing and strategically update the security programs just in time to catch career criminals and billionaire doing illegal things, he’s yes he does. - but most of his time is spent building other tech for his family or third business.

Mikey

a chef. I know I said he would study psychology if he could a while ago but his passion is food. He owns the most popular restaurant in the hidden city. The only thing he doesn’t serve is pizza as he doesn’t want to compete with Hueso.

Raph and Kitsune

They runs a non-profit helping people escape from abusive situations. Raph focuses on helping children while Kitsune helps women. They also have resources for men needing help as they know that men can get abused to and they want to help them as well. All of their siblings are the biggest doners to their project.

Leo

He goes into medicine. I think that splinter made all the boys get their education online so Leo was able to go to college/med school in the hidden city. I think he’d specialize in trauma surgery as it’s the closest to battle field medic. (I still haven’t decided his full path)

He does keep a list of doctors and nurses who are kind and treat patients with respect and dignity. He passes the list along to Raph so that he knows which doctors to request when the people he helps need medical care.

April

She becomes a journalist and is a big part of desegregating the hidden city and New York. Her goal is for her family to one day walk above ground without any fear.

Cassie

Brownie empire. She has a choke hold on the industry. She is playing the long game. Anytime April needs sources or Raph needs donations there is a brownie box showing up at the targets house buttering them up for her family to slip in and do what they need to. She still has her long goal, World Domination. As soon as her family is on board they are running this world. Unfortunately her family is not on board. (I will let you guess which members aren’t down with world domination)

Usagi and Gen

Body guard business. Usagi hates how much crime there is in the hidden city so he starts helping people. He gets a reputation of not being scared of any of the crime bosses. One thing leads to another and boom business. They only take jobs from people doing legal activity. Big Mama is not a fan but also wildly impressed. She’s tried to get them under her employment for years.

They get big enough to have other employees and there is always a shift going at Raph and Kitsune’s non-profit. It is the safest in the city as no one gets through their body guards.

They also teach self defense class and will do free ones at the non-profit. The whole family will join in on those.

Casey

Author. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, this boy has the most popular young adult novels out there. He is just writing down that happened in his timeline and people are losing their minds. He did it to keep his memory of them alive. Now he gets fan art of him and Master Leonardo when he was growing up in the mail. He also get letters asking how he could kill cheaters off when they were so beloved by fans. (Raph and Donnie’s deaths caused an uproar. His moms was expected as “all parents are dead in these kinds of stories”) When yokai and humans are finally intermixing a picture of Casey and his family comes out and everyone can tell that the characters in his book are based off of the turtles in his life. They all get some weird mail from that.

#a world of samurais and ninjas #asks #leosagi #rise leo #awosan miyamoto usagi #rise donnie #rise raph #rise mikey #rise april #rise cassandra #rise casey #awosan gen #awosan kitsune

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bellysoupset · 9 months

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hi again!!

okay first off i LOVED Bella and Luke’s impromptu wedding AHHHH they’re so so adorable😭 also, i know i said sicily part 6 was WONDERFUL (all time fave fr) but i never commented on part 7 and OH MY GOODNESS i had to take breaks from reading bc of how hard i was blushing at vin teasing wen 🤭 she was so real for every single one of her reactions omg

on that note OMG so excited for that food poisoning fic I CANT WAIT TO READ IT <3 and i love that it’s gonna be angsty and touch on her body dysmorphia ahhhh 😭🫶🏽

ALSO i’ve been meaning to ask this because i feel like you haven’t talked about it much? (or maybe i missed it? if so im so sorry lol) but basically, i know you said that wendy’s parents were NOT happy with her coming out, but that they eventually sort of “allowed” her to transition bc her mental health got bad. i clearly love angst (all your angsty fics are TOP TIER🤭), so i really wanna know more about her mental health struggles. is that something you’d dive into in an ask, or would you maybe incorporate it and/or hint at it in fics? i would genuinely LOOOOOVE to learn more about this!!!

ANYWAYS again YOU’RE AWESOME & IM OBSESSED WITH YOUR OCs‼️

- 🦦

Hi 🦦!!

What a wall of love, my heart is bursting out of my chest 😭 And Sicily 6 being your all time fave of all 102 fics of mine, this is HIGH PRAISE!!

Wendy whenever Vin brings up tummyaches is like Error 404, I feel her in my bones. If a hot guy did that to me I think I might just have a stroke and die.

I haven't actually covered any of Wendy's mental health issues in my fics! I had planned on doing one in NY with Vin & Wendy, but I keep putting it off bc I know I'll have to tap on some sensitive topics that require research on my part and I'm lazy.

Here's some things I think on Wendy's case. She's always been a chubby girl, but before her transition this bothered her a lot. It added to the already installed feelings of something being off with her and even when she managed to put things together, but was not allowed to transition physically this made her life hell. It was a toss up between gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia.

She got a pretty bad eating disorder back then (which btw, never made her thin, only fucked up her health) and she s*lf-h4armed, up until her parents found out about this, alongside some pretty concerning journals with su1cide ideation and they "caved".

Simply put her parents are jerks, but they're not evil and in hindsight they do know it was the right thing to do, they're just... Well, jerks who refused to own up the fact they were wrong and certain things are still very wrong.

I think it's important to highlight Wendy and Leo are very different in this aspect, even if both of them have had suic1dal thoughts and struggled with their queer identities. Wendy is not chronically depressed, she hit a rough patch and she has since healed up. She's in a great place right now and, yes, she's got insecurities and fears, but she's not medicated and doesn't need to be.

Leo's depression is chronical and he's medicated and will always be so. Without his meds he will struggle with su1cidal thoughts and erratic behavior regardless of how happy he is with his life at the moment.

Wendy's trigger make her cry, at most they make her sad for a week. Leo's triggers cause severe panic attacks.

#myocs #wendy marshall #leo wagner #i know i made it a bit about leo at the end but i think its an important distinction (health professional in me jumping out)#also i dont think any of those words should ever be censored i'm just doing that bc I dont wanna risk tumblr labeling this mature or smth #hate this website #🦦 anon #lovely correspondence

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vizthedatum · 1 year

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Decisions to protect myself

More and more, I am giving myself permission (it was always within my power) to protect myself.

I couldn't when I was growing up with my mom - not even to the police who showed up when she physically abused me so badly when I was six - I didn't want them to take me away - I lied - I kept lying my whole life - I knew she loved me but I also knew what she was doing was wrong - and I thought I was wrong and that I deserved it. I thought I deserved it all. I deeply thought I was stupid and if I tried harder, I wouldn't be such a stupid child. Nothing I did in my life made them think I wasn't ruining my life. They'd mock me telling me how I wouldn't get into community college... and I fucking made it into an Ivy League (I made it broken and shattered but regardless). And now, now that I'm out as trans and completely redefining my life... they think I've lost it.

That's it, right?

The moment I show who I am... when it goes against what you wanted me to be, that's when you think I've lost it.

After all the excuses and the effort I put into ALL of you - the moment that I need support... real support, you leave.

I was completely discarded by my spouse and their entire family - FAMILY who I considered my own. They did nothing to help me. My MIL, who I loved, .... she didn't get it. I had to cut off ties with her because she didn't understand why I was calling it domestic violence. I knew she would side with her child so I let her go.

What did it look like from the outside??

It's so easy to look at me like I'm crazy, I guess. I'm unreliable when I'm being gaslit and controlled. When I'm pleading with myself that they're not really doing anything wrong. When I only showcase the good and not the bad. See me crying - trying to reason with my abuser who I loved - listen to them explain how crazy and unreasonable I am....

I went to therapy for years. I maintained my friendships. I have documented how physically ill I was - in my medical chart. I was having severe flares. I was having symptoms I couldn't explain. I'd go nonverbal. Sometimes my body would just give up.

I fought for our relationship to the best of my ability until I realized I was in serious danger.

They did not fight for us - they just thought they were right.

They had a six-figure job, kept me trapped within our home due to fear of covid, berated me, denied how serious the emotional abuse was, didn't work on repairing our relationship, did NOT seek therapy or any external help, refused to come up with solutions with me, imposed ultimatums, convinced their ex (babe, you're not a great mental health advocate if you're going around telling people I'm having a psychotic breakdown - bc even if I were, that's ableist! You literally could have done the noble thing and refused to interact with me - but you didn't - you cruelly defended your ex because you sided with them) that I'm making shit up, tried to get me to block my lovers (and they knew about each and every one of them - I did not keep shit from them) despite not blocking their exes, convinced me systematically to let go of friendships and isolate myself, undermined my sense of worth, REFUSED TO GET HELP FOR OUR MOUSE INFESTATION THAT WAS WORSE THAN OUR RISK FOR COVID OMFG WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU, tried to take my meds away, judged me for being so ill I couldn't do things, threw tantrums when I needed my own space, probably called me abusive when I left food in the sink which I tried so hard not to do (it only happened bc I needed to stage how I did dishes (Oh yeah, I did dishes most of the time because they couldn't - did y'all know that? Did y'all know how much household coordination I did while being chronically ill and in pain? They hated asking for help so I had to either beg them to help me when I was physically weak, pay for people to help, plead/beg for them to allow people to help us, or do it myself) because of my fatigue and illness you ableist dumb motherfucker... and more. And the last time we had sex, it was rape. It undoubtedly was. You had such little empathy for me that you can't even tell. You made my life miserable because I went to MN and left you alone because I had to go help my brother - something you knew I would do in a heartbeat. You denied how badly you were hurting so you hurt me instead. You hurt your best friend and spouse who LOVED YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. Look at me now - does it look like I'm having a breakdown? Is my rage all a joke to you? You think I'm insane because you don't think I'm allowed to have my valid feelings? Does it make you happy to know that you destroyed your relationship with your autistic, trans, brown, traumatized spouse who loved you so much? Do you acknowledge that I'm finally able to live my life? I can move more - look at how different I look - my inflammation is down - and I do not care if I am putting myself at covid-risk (I'm vaccinated and more knowledgeable about my risk because I'm a fucking epidemiologist who knows that my social needs are just as important than preventing infection). Do I need to spell it out for you? I tried so hard to diagnose what was going wrong with my life... it was you (and my mom and all my trauma), but acutely, it was you.

And if you had worked on yourself and us - I would have stayed with you forever.

I really hope the divorce gets finalized this year.

Next time, I'm having a prenup, a huge wedding, couple's therapy wayyyy before we get married, an insistence on inner work for the both of us (this is a requirement for all relationships from here on out), and more.

I deserve the fucking world, and I hate that you all almost had me believing that I did not.

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1d1195 · 2 months

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Icon behavior right there! I would be so proud lol

oh I totally get that! It's crazy how I lowkey have to do the same with mine! Ideally I would drink this tea(idk the translation bc it's in Spanish lol) and typically that helps and has benefits or whatever and it gets rid of my cramps easily! But without the tea I NEED MEDS QUICKLY! It's so stressful for no reason!

I can only imagine how busy it may be especially if you're involved with seniors! Very hectic for everyone IM sure! It is okay! Like you're a busy girl and your books should feel like treats instead of chores! I know you love your lists but this is something that its okay to a bit slow at finishing!

Im personally have never truly been a fan of jeans but like I said skinny jeans have been always been the preferred of mine! But I do love a good jegging! Anything stretchy tbh is a win in my book because i am a big hip and thigh girly so stretch is something i appreciate lol And I feel that if you like and feel comfortable in what you wear that's all that matters! if it works for you, it works! plus not everything trendy is like " good" lol

My campus is HUGE 😭I am fighting a battle trying not to get ran over by people and cars/buses lol I could make a whole paper on how horrible it is lol But how cute you live in your college area! Love that for you!

Im so glad I wasn't like crazy about the Made to Be projection hahah Oh bestie I have lived near the beach my whole life too yet idk how to swim... I KNOW ITS CRAZY AHAH like i know the very basics like floating but I would lowkey drown if im in to deep in the water lol But tennis how fun!(side note im very excited for the movie challengers if you heard about it and i fear it will end me in a good way) ALSO ICE SKATING IS SO COOL! But yeah the ankle part is no fun lol

WE ARE THE SAME I SWEAR! I NEVER notice when someone likes me😭I always think "oh they are just being nice" or " they dont see me that way" ITS CRAZY! My friends always call me out about my avoidant nature with that lol Sam my love I KNOW there was someone who thought you were hot like its not impossible lol But I get trying to prove yourself in a space where it clearly is not welcoming but I don't blame you but Im sure you were destined to be a hot STEM girly and you have always earned your place!

THE POLL RESULTS!! Omg truly so excited for all of them! AND im very excited for Ding Round 2! I just know it will be great! AND im glad your break is starting off not too bad! Love you lots!-💜

I wish I was more of a tea drinker! I try really hard--especially in the winter months and it's just not for me. I do like iced tea but I feel like that is totally different. I'm big on coffee. If you've ever seen Gilmore Girls, she is me. I love coffee 🤭 That's really cool you have tea to heal your cramps though! I wish I had a remedy like that!

I wasn't supposed to be involved with the Seniors stuff but here we are, Miss Can't Say No. It's alright. It will fly by before I know it.

I know so many people who can't swim! I don't swim well. The lessons were to ensure essentially what you said, so I don't drown and can float. But I understand the mechanics of some of the fancier swim strokes, but I prefer to doggy paddle hahaha

My college area had a really cute coffee and bagel shop and my favorite food is carbs so I didn't have much of a choice in the matter 😂 We also had a bus though. Depending on where you walked it could take up to 15 minutes to walk the length of campus. We all made jokes about jumping in front of the bus for free tuition. HOWEVER, I think it was easier to walk than take the bus. It was so unpredictable and it felt like the same amount of time if not longer rather than just walking.

I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up about Ding tbh. I have a new layout for it so I guess that's cool, hopefully it will be cute. I enjoyed writing it, even though it took ten thousand years. I think Part 2 is often THE HARDEST part of almost all the stories I write. Something about it's still starting, but it's leading to more? Idk lol. I'm glad to be over that hump.

Hope you have a good Monday! 💕

xoxo

#💜

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zarafey · 4 months

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one again, vent incoming

its my birthday and im sitting here crying because god beware i get a little bit sad and or mad at stm my mom did.

Yesterday she offered to cook my favourite meal today for lunch, very nice, really thoughtful, i was looking forward to it a lot. i asked if we could eat lunch at 2pm (we usually eat rather late at 3/4pm). Since i also have to finish my bachelor thesis by the 28th i dont really have a lot of time for celebrating or anything, but i did have a plan for today. We eat lunch by 2, finish by ~2:30, and I take my adhd meds (need a bit longer to work after eating, but the side effects are much more manageable). they usually take around 1h to fully work so theres a window for chilling a bit and having some cake. I get to work at 3-4pm, work til 8-9pm (using my most productive time of the day as well), day done, all is well.

... by 2:30pm i went upstairs to see what's going on, i find my mom in her office, she was still working, the food hasn't even been started. well, she forgot the time, bit unfortunate but ok, i do the same often enough, sure i was already really hungry (since i ate a bit less breakfast bc i was looking forward to lunch), and i was getting pretty stressed (my whole plan is getting pushed back), but the food isnt that elaborate and needs like 30-45 minutes, so eating around 3 is still alright, we ate at 3 yesterday and that was fine.

at around 3:30 i started getting nervous again. I go upstairs, food still needs another half hour, my mom already feels extremely bad and was so hectic that she cut herself, after calming her down, preparing the rest, and putting it in the oven i go to the toilet, to cry, bc fuck my whole day is starting to fall apart. eating by 4 means i really need to speed through eating bc i need to take my meds as soon as possible, because the later i take them the later i can get to sleep, the less sleep i get for tomorrow. so i cry, let it all out and stuff bc god knows i cant actually express any of that frustration in front of my mom by then she will feel even more horrible and then i can play emotional regulator again and i really dont have the brain for that when im already very stressed and frustrated. So that will just lead to me being an ass to my mom and then she will feel bad and i will also feel bad and its all around not a good time.

so i have my little cry at the toilet, meanwhile the food finishes cooking. I put it all back down again, go to the meal, my appetite is already gone but hey its still my favourite so ill enjoy it, i take a bite, its horrible, way too many spices, i cant even taste the zucchini. pretty much the last straw, so close to breaking out in tears right there at the table. ofc my mom notices, asks whats wrong, starts the whole self loathing shit and the endless apologies i was trying so hard to avoid. lunch is pretty much ruined, i eat quickly and in silence, i go down and take my meds, start crying and writing this post to get it all out. My mom comes in and starts the whole "im so sorry, i ruined everything, is it very bad that we ate so late? is it still gonna be ok? im so sorry etc etc etc" and fuck i just do not have the brain to do all the calm reassuring she is asking for so i snap, say some shitty things, now im crying even more and feel like a complete ass.

Like damn what tf do i do now bc i cant seem to calm down but i still need to fkn work on my thesis and i just wanted to have a nice birthday and some cake.

#and not to forget the multiple passive-aggressive bday wishes i got from relatives bc im not inviting for coffee and cake today #or my dad who like clockwork congratulated my sister today #because surely after getting it wrong every single year i should get used to that #welp happy birthday to me. lets hope my present is being able to write 1k words

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worldwright · 4 months

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good evening

i just learned that one of my friends (well, he's not, we're "worst enemies") is in the unit for the people who went to the psychiatrist emergencies. so the place i went after my attempt. so gonna see him with a friend tomorrow afternoon

i dont have any fucking energy and that'll probably trigger me tomorrow evening but we're not there now so im gonna see him and then im gonna cry alone in my fucking bed because when i was there he went to visit me, and im not a bitch for fucks sake

also. i somehow passed one of my classes last semester. fucking unbelievable but that's way too funny to inform my university lol. like i went only once in that class that last 2h and didnt even did the 2h because i had a horrible panic attack. so i passed my literature arabic class by doing nothin

i also made someone's day bc i doodled the design he went with for a character in his fic. i should be happy for him and all but rn im feeling next to nothing

i think, and i might be wrong, but the news about my friend may or may have not triggered me this evening. hopes it wont be worse tomorrow

but i didnt take my anxiety meds this evening so it should be part of why (my blister has an odd number bc my mother, that bitch, went and reorganized the part of my room where i keep my meds, and the blister ive started went into my bedside so i didnt see i didnt take my meds yesterday and since my meds are now in an odd number that's highly distressing for me so now i have to suffer bc a dickhead couldnt just keep her hands to her stuff)

have a wonderful morning my friend im gonna hide myself real quick from my emotions and read fanfics for the good of my pitiful life

oh god that sucks TwT I hope your friend (?) is getting the right care 🥺😭

& I also hope you'll take care of yourself-- if it would be too awful to visit, I hope you'll find a different way to support him

slightly obsessed with how your friend is also your mortal enemy lol

my friend is doing bad as well, still -- they figured out at least one of the problems & got meds for it, so that's a great step, but she's still having a terrible time while the meds do their work 😭😭😭 im just really glad that she's living with friends that can make calls for her and help her get places and bring her food n stuff. I'm not nearly as worried for her, knowing that there are ppl who love her in the same apartment

I met with the person who's catsitting for me this weekend, she's super nice and interesting :333 I feel really comfortable having her care for my kitties lol. unfortunately she's moving away next month :')))))))))))) so I'll have to find another new catsitter if I wanna travel overnight :'))))))

excited for the train ride tomorrow!! I need to bring that organization book again, I've been bad about reading it. lol. a book about organizing tips for adhd. hard to finish due to. the adhd

I hope you find some juicy fics to dive into tonight!! good luck tomorrow, take care of yourself <3

#pen pal

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sereniv · 4 months

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its so hard to find the balance of being informed and knowing whats happening, and focusing on my mental stability.

bc on one hand no matter what i do it feels like i cant just block it all out. it feels wrong. and i mean block everything. as in ignoring every post, not reading anything thats going on in palestine. or any other place

to just pretend like its not happening is not something I feel comfortable doing even if it might help mentally. but i dont even think id be able to

i dont need to see the videos or the pictures or read graphic summaries. and that is enough, is to even do the bare minimum

but even the bare minimum feels like too much.

and lately no matter how much i distance myself from it all its already in my head

and sometimes it feels like im off my pills. when i used to have strong delusions of reality being a simulation or of being watched etc

paranoid delusions and shit like that

like when i say i feel like im going insane i literally feel it. it feels familiar. but worse in a lot of ways

like i know what is happening is real but i can barely comprehend it.

i know what i see is real but through a lense its easy for my brain to just be confused at what im seeing. or hearing.

its a simialr feeling to when we read about the holocaust in school and when i saw pictures and read personal accounts.

i knew that it was real, it felt real to a point, but its like it didnt feel real in a way like so shocking that it causes dissociation

and like im doing the most i can do for myself. because theres no ignoring everything bc i already know its happening.

and now i have to manage my psychosis that im keeping at bay. and then ofc on top of that taking care of my grandma and both pets

amongst other things

i havnt felt this bad in a long time.

luckily i have stuff to distract myself but its like

always on in the background of my mind. it feels so claustrophobic like i want to break things

its hard to keep the right mindset and not just blow up at people, or to be 'reactionary'. which, i mean emotions first thoughts second.

its hard to push that down and act appropriately and normally. and to actually be able to think about what im saying

like its so hard to not cry or dream about this stuff. and like weed doesnt even help, and theres no way im going back to drinking

so its like i just have to raw dog the emotions.

idk maybe ill try edibles again, bc the smoking just isnt good for me

i just hope at least my grandma is able to get out of pain bc im getting so stressed im starting to think about adopting my pets out again just to be able to function

having to take misha out every 20 minutes fucking sucks. having to feed them sucks. having to take her out and scoop and to scoop cowboys cat box sucks

and im not getting enough sleep but at the same time somehow getting too much sleep

and then my tablet needing a replacement

and my room is a mess and trying to keep the dishes clean but they pile up every few days

and then just wanting to enjoy something like food and all im eating is gluten and its making me physically ill and in pain and tired

im dehydrated bc i drink at most an 8 oz glass of water a day, but on average a cup

which makes my muscles weak, im having trouble breathing

somehow im keeping it together

luckily im back on my meds

my grandma could die soon when she gets surgery and i really hope that doesnt happen bc i can not handle that rn at all

its just too much

also going to turn 31 this month when it feels like i turned 30 just a handful of months ago

so idk how i feel about that

i just feel physically sick rn. i should be sleeping but my sleep schedule is fucked up so i dont end up sleeping until like noon or 7am

#Just venting #just me stuff i need to get out #i dont need comfort this is just pure venting to destress a little

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garlique · 6 months

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so here is my dilemma today sjdjdjs . day 2 in the field of a new job and yesterday i fucking HATED it and HATED the commute to the point where i cried the whole way home and then ALSO cried for like an hour afterward w my partner about how much i hated it and how miserable i was !! im putting it below a cut bc it'll probly get long but if anyone does read it all tell me if i should quit or try to keep going through it

okay so basically the job is charitable fundraising, face to face on the street canvassing. i dont wanna go into too much detail abt the company structure but the company that hired me is contracted by the IRC to do all their face to face fundraising. so yesterday they did some like intros and some basic dos and donts and then paired us up w someone and said "okay go!!"

here are my issues with it that are just about the job structure and not my own issues: theres no centralization at all and every day i would be going to a different spot. now this would be fine if it was based in tacoma, where i know my way around, and also dont have to ride for an hour on multiple forms of transit to get TO the city. the job is in seattle but i live in tacoma and anyone who sees this who does this commute will understand lol. they'll tell us where we're mesnt to be the next day 'by 8pm the night before' and having to scramble every single night to work out a complicated and frankly expensive commute to a brand new place makes me wanna kill myself sjzjzjzjz

minor issue but we have to use our personal phones and let them location track us for time clock purposes and i truly am not comfortable with that, and it saps my phone battery horribly which is a major source of anxiety for me

also in all their promo materials people had tables they were Sitting behind and for us, it is literally standing still in one spot for 6 fuckin hours a day which like i get it but if i can't walk around or sit i cant do it!!

last major issue is in fact the job itself. and i will admit this is my fuckin fault but i dont even rmr when i applied for this position and i have just been desperately applying for whatever i think i could get. but goddamn i am so tired of jobs where the people i interact with as a RULE treat interactinf with me like a horrible fucking chore or something else awful they have to get through like i can just FEEL the disgust radiating off them and that is so goddamn exhausting to me

now here is where we get into why u Shouldn't quit. the number one answer is that i am less than 2 weeks into quitting nicotine and in like another 2 weeks i SHOULD be a lot more normal. i say should because unfortunately nicotine is a surprisingly effective med for a lot of the mental issues i deal with and i honestly DONT know if i will get back to feeling normal within the month timeframe most people do !! and thats also assuming i dont fuckin relapse at all in that timeframe and am Able to stay off it, which if i stay at this job will probably be very impossible. but i truly just DONT have the necessary emotional regulation skills to deal with what i need to at this job! i dont have the emotional regulatory skills to deal with the constand rejection and brushing off, i just dont have the ability to not take it personally right now. and honestly given everything i dealt with at cascade and how much that affected me i dont know if i Will have those regulatory skills once im thru quitting!!

i dont know. like i want a job where i know im putting Good back into the world but i also dont want tiny fucking returns and rejection and unhappiness, and besides this would be an expensive fuckin job w the commute n the food n everything. i just dont wanna fuckin do it and i feel like with how fast paced everything is in this industry i should probably just fuckin quit now .lmao

i just dont know what to do and we're so brain foggy that we cant even make a fucking decision and im so tired and i dont wanna do it lmao . so someone tell me if i should quit or not !!

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whocaresanymoreamiright · 10 months

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i wanted to make a short post bc my grandma said something to me which was not rly what i expected idk but yeah now it's a long long vent i had been writing for more than an hour enjoy

also i asked my grandma to take me and my friends to the train station by car bc my friends needed a ride there and i did have spare bus tickets to there but i didn't want to make them walk and ride the bus in the rain whoch would've taken like 3 times longer than by car, so i asked my grandma and she took us there but on our way back she was like "yeah.. needs to learn how to drive" i was like "who needs to learn how to drive?" and she was like you. and i'm like no way. bc i don't want to drive it's expensive to learn and to do and in the city where i usually am (so not where she gave us the ride) there's such good puclic transport it's rly quicker than by car, also i don't have the time to learn this rn and it's stressful and i just. don't want it. and it's valid and there's nothing wrong with that.

but then i realised she said it bc i asked for a ride. bc she was cutting her hair at the time i called her (an hour before we wanted to leave) and yeah it's probably rly inconvenient for her. but like she told me the day before that she helps with whatever we need especially if we need a ride to somewhere so like :( wtf. also like what is this leaving-the-subject-of-the-sentence-out-to-make-it-sound-less-guilt-trippy bitch ass method like?? give me a break from it. like say it to my face. that you don't want to or can't take us to the station. we could've gone by bus, we still had time for that too. wtf.

idk why i am so mad. i just feel like i was scolded. and i'm sorry i am sorry i didn't mean to ask for things that are too much to ask for i thought this was okay. also i didn't want to make my friends go by bus, they had to travel a lot the day before and on this day too :( like my party was so lame i know and i just didn't want to make it even worse by making them travel by that shitty bus one more time. idl they will probably never visit me again bc this was boring and lame.

we went to sleep at 1 am :( which is fucking early. like at other parties we don't even sleep at all. so sad. i was so anxious. idk i just felt bad and lame and it was awful maybe bc i haven't rly been taking my meds and i just felt so bad there was also sth i wanted to ask but the conversation just didn't go that direction by itself and i didn't want to bring it up since i wasn't rly talking at all and it would've sounded like i only invited her to ask her this shit. it's not important though. just something stupid i was curious about idk. i'm such an inconvenience honestly, i feel sorry for my friends. i wish it was different.

also i got fucking fat i am not even beautiful anymore i loom awful and ruin the pictures and everything. it's bad. i should diet or idk like it makes everything sm harder i have to plan everything and i can't eat homecooked stuff unless i cook it bc othervise how tf could i count the calories and i can't eat what people give me to eat i can't go out and enjoy the time without being like fuck it it's a binge now and then eating everything and then continuing it for a week and more bc one slip up and it's over i've ruined 3 week's progress and got to a point worse than when i started, i'm the heaviest i've been in years. and i think i'm still depressed, but yes i don't have the pills anymore, right this is what every other one of my posts is about. awful.

this is why alcohol. and this is why food too, yeah. it's sad. idk how to get happier. i feel like my biggest problem is definitely the food though. i haven't been able to eat normally for a week for almost 3 years and now i am confused and clueless. i don't know how to recover.

but i still go running in the mornings, my stomach hurts in the meantime from all the food i had consumed the day before, but i run. and it's good, i've been getting slower unfortunstely but it's still an acceptable pace.

i wish everything was easier. i know that it's the summer vacation rn. i'm sorry for not being able to function.

every time i drink alcohol or coffee or when i got my tatto or when i eat unhealthy snacks or too much, i wonder if he'd be disappointed in me or think that i'm a lazy gluttonous unpure and stupidly rebellious stupid person who does bad things on purpose. it's the saddest thing. i haven't even seen him in such a long time, he probably doesn't even care. i wish he didn't bc i'd hate to disappoint him. please don't care about me please don't form opinions about me. i am so sorry for being like this. idk how to change.

and i feel so awful about it like i should just get up and change myself, my behaviour. but it's such a big project and hard work and everything and i don't even feel like starting it bc i used to have high hopes and trying to recover working harder than ever even while i was denied all bodily autonomy and even while my father was saying the most cruel harmful evil things to me every day, and itried my best, believed in it, and i didn't succeed. progress slowed down then stopped, things got less and less ideal, and then worse, and worse and worse, and now i am here. this is the 2nd time btw. okay, the first time i didn't believe it wholeheartedly but still tried my best. but the second time was different bc then i rly did believe in recovering fully, becoming a happy person. now here i am. fat and miserable, still having an eating disorder. and i have no help now, but i don't know if i want any since last time the "help" was more traumatic than the disorder itself. so i do not want to go through that again. but idk what to do. idk how to pick myself up. i get so anxious and depressed and these mood swings and it's bad and i haven't felt satisfied after a meal in almost 3 years and idk what to do about it. like i could fight it yeah, with chewing gum and sugar free sodas but they probably can only help for so long, and i don't feel strong enough to do this while dealing with everything else. i want meds, i need something.

alcohol though. feel like eating more? get some pálinka. actually i've never tried it before lol, but that's not the point. drink something and feel better. you don't need more food sweetheart. get a drink. cheap antidepressant ig.

and not to romanticise this very serious condition but like.. that's something you can hide more easily. probably comes with more stigma when they eventually do find out but at least you get some help. and sympathy or something. because people know that that is a problem and they feel sorry. but ig i don't actually need people tk feel sorry for me, and i probably don't want help either bc i am afraid, like so fucking scared for life bc of my experiences from last year and the year before (but mostly last year). just no, i don't want anything like that ever again.

but i don't want to gain more weight it's awful how fat i am and i also don't want to think about what and how much i am eating all the time i literally have no idea how much would be ideal i don't want to think about it every meal bc then what is the point like then i can just fucking do a restrictive diet and at least feel pretty too while being miserable not just being miserable for nothing. like losing weight doesn't require a lot more effort than just maintaining, so i might as well lose yk. or i gain. maintaining os effort without reward and i am not strong enough to do that rn.

or maybe i should idk. the reward is ✨️happiness✨️ lmao. idk if i can recover. being an alcoholic doesn't sound fun either. it's sad. at least i'd feel more valid. or i should smoke or something. but that's probably more unhealthy than alcohol? idk but definitely less convenient, sou can't do that everywhere. but you can drink alcohol almost anywhere. from your pretty pink and silver bottle you got for very cheap actually. it looks like you'd put some fucking protein shake or smoothies or some shit like that in it. but no, in mine there's vodka. um. idk lol whatever. currently there's vine in it though.

honestly now i feel like trying this. i am sorry. this sounds better than this binging misery. so. yeah. idk. i'll probably try it.

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ancient-reverie · 11 months

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I'm a single parent of 6 and a half fur children. I have three cats, two rabbits, one chicken, and a fish tank. I also end up taking care of the family cat.

My oldest daughter (Nutmeg, Cat, 15) stays in my brother's room. He's not the best at looking after her, but he tries, he does love her.

My youngest boy (Kili, Cat, 3), has asthma. And my oldest boy (Harvey, Rabbit, 7)has a permanent head tilt that gives him chronic vertigo. Both of them take meds. Luckily the rabbit only takes them once a day instead of every 12 hours, and the cat is good at taking a pill and only needs it every other day and maybe his inhaler at night.

The birb (Honey, Chicken, 7?) is taken care of by my dad, she's the easiest one by far. We have a big 1 acre yard and my mom feeds the wild birds so there's always bugs and seed and grasses for her. We also feed her pellets and meal worms and veggies and other things. She's kind of spoiled besides being outside all the time. She's not house trained and it's too late for that. We make sure she has cool places to be, you should have seen her before I rescued her.

My other rabbit is my youngest girl (Nola, Rabbit, 5?) and she's a feisty bitch. Doesn't like people, is too mean to Harvey for them to interact since his head tilt. But she's happy lol so that's what matters.

My fish tank consists of 10-15 mosquito fish I caught from a nearby creek. I only caught about 5 but they turned out to all be the same species of different sexes wouldn't you know it... I used to have some leeches and snails too but eventually they died off. It's really exhausting to have. My mom refuses to help me clean it when I'm gone so any trips I take, the length of them depends on when I need to go home to clean my tank... But we're on idk what generation and luckily there haven't been anymore babies (or if there have been they've eaten them before I notice and that is okay with me at this point) but I've had the tank for 7 ish years or more and I wanna be done but I do enjoy them while they're here. I find dead ones from time to time, and I'm honestly shocked they even live this long, I mean they're minnows. I mean given the right conditions fish can live a long long time so... I'm doing something right I guess???

And the best and smartest boy last but certainly not least, is Zaboomafoo. My tuxedo cat. He just turned 5 in July. I got him hoping to be an emotional support buddy and he turned out to be just that. We were gonna travel and stuff but I hate leaving my house and I didn't want anything to happen to him so that idea went out the window. But whenever I'm sad he comes to make me feel better. He wants to know when I'm drinking alcohol. He checks on my throughout the day. Reminds me to eat food. He even plays fetch bc he knows I'm too tired to really play with him most of the time, but I can throw a toy he brings me. He picked me at the shelter. That's another story.

All my kids are rescues, and sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough for them, but to them this is so much better than where they came from they don't even care. I really do take care of them like kids, and boy is it exhausting.

#hell o void #just rambling about my babes #i love them #i will not be adopting anymore unless its a life or death situation tho like i fucking cant #if i wasnt disabled and full of mental illness itd probably be easy and fine but alas i am plagued

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losing-loser · 1 year

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Sewerslide tw under the cut but I need to vent

This year has been a trainwreck so far. My aunt died. Someone I used to be really close with and still cared about died. I had a couple meltdowns. I've been rapid cycling. I lost weeks of my life. I bought a car. I got triggered and quit my REALLY good job with only $500 in my bank account (bc I spent all my money on dumb shit during hypomanic episodes), I paid my drug dealer's $400 electric bill on a whim on the promise that she'd "get me back" when I know she fucking won't. I can't find a job (I mean it's only been 5 days since I quit, but I never don't have a job so it feels like 5 years). The rational part of me knows that it usually takes more than 5 days to find a new job, but I also can't help but think that my former job is sabotaging me telling people I walked out even though it's food service and everything I've applied to is food service and unless it's high end fuck if they check references or call up your old job.

I'm too scared to tell my parents. I still owe my dad $650 and he doesn't know that I sold the car he paid cash for 3 years ago or that I quit my job. I told my mom about the car but she and my step dad essentially mocked my episode and acted like I was using it as an excuse to "treat myself".

I'm so fucked. I'm so fucked. I wanna slit my wrists but I'm always really bad at it do any lethal damage. I can only ever hit styro at the worst and then I usually pass out since I'm drunk while doing it. But right now...I've been drinking. I haven't eaten and I've been drinking a lot. I don't have any oxy, and I know from the past that my tolerance is too high for alcohol and oxy to work. But I have a BUNCH of nausea meds that are actually promethazine. I feel like if I took them while still drinking I could just...go to sleep. And with any luck, I wouldn't have any problems anymore. I wouldn't be mentally ill anymore.

But I never have any luck. I'm too much of a coward and I never do it right. Even when I could so easily make it look like an accident. With all my allergies? Maybe I accidentally ate or drank something I'm allergic to and tried to just sleep it off? It wouldn't be so far-fetched, it's definitely something I would do.

But again, I'm too much of a coward.

Who would take care of my cat? She's 10 years old and I've had her since she was 11 weeks old. Tbh I'm not sure how much I really care about how my family would feel, but no one knows how to take care of my cat like I do. And I'm not fucked up enough to let anything happen to her.

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