#also Nat is me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

inkskinned · 3 months

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yesterday while feverish i wrote about how boats can moor next to each other like pigeons, cooing with the gentle rap of water against their hull. you once said that that the way i see things - birds in the water, feathers in marina paint - was "childish and naive." you said i'd been misdiagnosed - "it can't all be adhd. you might be just kind of stupid and lazy."

i still do certain things like how you taught me - turn the pillow case inside out before putting it on. drive defensively. hate myself entirely.

the prompt for this poem is "mahler's fifth." i wish it wasn't, but mahler's fifth was our song. it ended up in my book. every person that knows your name has promised me they'll give you one swift rabbit punch, right to the face. dean read the book and showed up on my front porch, drenched in sweat from running the 8 miles at 4 in the morning. he was shaking. pacifist and gentle - he works with children - i'd never seen him furious. a punch isn't going to do it, he said, and then said i'm sorry. i had to come to see if you were okay.

mahler's fifth was mine first, like my girlhood. i like the way each movement piles onto the next movement, each instrument bleeding into the next. i like the horn version the best. before i met you, i danced to it on grass still-wet from sprinklers.

later you would tell me that the way you heard it was somehow better. you understood something in it that i couldn't quite wrap my fingers into. once, on our anniversary, you asked the classical music radio station to play it for us. we missed hearing it because we were fighting. one of the things people get wrong about abuse is that sometimes victims are, like, brutally aware of the stupidity of our situation. what do you mean that you thought i wasn't good enough for you? you? you're just... nothing.

sometimes people can pull the poetry out of your life. i watched my words become clothesline, and then thin out into kite twine. i watched you chew through every good syllable of me. so many good songs and places and moments were ruined. i am glad you didn't like most of my music - less to tie back to you.

but still mahler's fifth. the music swells, and i am 21 and throwing up in a bathroom on my birthday. a woman i will later refer to as lesbian jesus runs a cool hand down my back, her perfect pantsuit starch-pressed. she told me to leave you. she said - and this is true, and not an invention of rhyme or fantasy - i'm you from the future.

i am 22, and i got home from an award ceremony, and i remember you telling me - you act so proud of yourself when you're actually so fucking embarrassing. i took you to disney world. you took my virginity. i gave up visiting spain for a week with my family - i instead choose you, to spend the time just-cuddling. you called it "our fuck week." the music swells. it probably should have been a red flag that for about 3 years - i just gave up on crying. my grandfather died and you said nothing. my uncle died and you ghosted me for 3 weeks. you said i need to protect myself from your ongoing tragedy.

every so often i come back to the memory of one of our last afternoons in person. i had just told you that i wasn't going to law school, despite the free ride - i was going to join a creative writing program. master's in fine arts. i was going to finally do it - i was going to follow my dreams. this blog was already internet-famous. however reluctantly, i would occasionally refer to myself as a poet. i got into umass amherst's writing program for fiction authors. it is one of the the top 5 programs in the country.

wait are you seriously considering actually attending that? dumbfounded, you turned completely towards me in your seat. for the 3rd time in our relationship, you almost crashed the car. you actually want to be a writer?

the first time i went viral, it was for a poem i wrote about you:

he wants to say i love you but keeps it to goodnight because love will take some falling and she's afraid of heights.

every time i see that, i want to throw up. you weren't in love with me, you were in love with the control you had over me. a little truth though: i am afraid of heights. you caught a rabbitgirl and skinned her alive.

mahler's fifth still makes me sick.

give me that back. give me back music. give me back everything i had before you. give me back fearlessness. give me back bravery. give me back a scarless body.

give me back what you took from me.

#nosebleed club #sorry stephen not ur fault #just like. thinking #writeblr #spilled ink #warm up #every time nat is like - oh let me get that for u #im like .... this is a trick right like ur gonna be mean now bc u did something nice rn #so obviously if ur being nice now either u did something mean and im about to learn about it #or you're going to BE mean #or ur gonna hold this over my head forever and i'll never get a nice thing ever again?#and every time nat is like .... babe i just actually like u #lesbian jesus story is 100% real btw. she also told me not to be an event planner #literally changed the shape of my life

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zzztlk · 6 months

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I'm nonbinary and SEA and every time I remember the existence of Ties That Bind it makes my day 1000x better. Nat my beloved

I'm so pleased... peace and love to all the seasian queers in the crowd

#ttb #asks #also filing under things that make me :]#<- (that's me smiling btw )#todays unsolicited oc fact is Nat and her mom immigrated to the US from Singapore when she was like 10 #and Regan is the only one in her family that was born in the US

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plesiosaurys · 10 months

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IMPORTANT SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY

COELACANTHS CAN OWO!!!

#photos from nat geo article 'coelacanths can live to 100' tunglr mobile app wont let me add link #except bottom left which i literally cant find source for. its from a reddit post but they dont say where they got the footage #and the watermark is too crunchy to read #theyre gods most beautiful creature #also img desc is in alt text #coelacanth #Latimeria chalumnae #fish #animals #andy original

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rayandgay · 8 days

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💪🪑😤

#maxnat #nat natasitt #max kornthas #gun thapanawat #two worlds #two worlds the series #bl actors #bl actor #thai actors #thai actor #thai artists #thai artist #thai bl #bl drama #bl series #the way he just scoops him up sends me #nat princess treatment always #also gun's face glsls #my gifs

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mondstalgia · 2 months

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In my feels about missing them

#kiseki dear to me #also Dian Dian in glasses is always a treat #kiseki: dear to me #taiwanese bl #louis chiang #jiang dian #chiang tien #nat chen #chen bowen #natlouis #chenai

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boysareouttonight · 1 year

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for all my charlie kelly lovers out there

#another one from nat cinematic universe twitter collection #i made this like months ago but whatever #hes my bf and also exactly like me only the sexy ones get it #charlie kelly #iasip #iasip edit

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im-trying-guys · 3 months

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Listen you can dislike any ship you want but please don’t come out here saying sonadow is a proship please tell me y’all know what cryosleep is

#just saw the worst take on tiktok and had to come back here #please for the love of god #watch some science fiction stuff and get back to me #bro is not 50 please don’t be dumb #also he’s immortal and doesn’t age normally but that isn’t even my point #ugh god #shadow the hedgehog #sonic the hedgehog #sonadow #bad takes #i’m gonna be sick #nat chats

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valyrfia · 3 months

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now if max wrote his own bio for that team redline introduction…we are witnessing real time lestappen psychological warfare (also known as flirting)

#lestappen #padelgate 2024 #them and their intricate mating rituals continue to astound me #also this post #as inspired by nat who wrote *ahem*#“can you please post something funny #hope this satiates your appetite #I am a performing monkey for my friends unfortunately #doesn’t help my case that the gc saw this first #I digress #lestappen had secret dates let’s focus on that

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wistfulwatcher · 1 year

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#canon that the moment natalie feels like someone might leave her #she says the worst thing she can to them #so she can leave them first

bonus:

#yellowjackets #yellowjacketsedit #mistynatedit #mine #edit #*#evidence*#p r o o f #otp: you should be thanking me #otp #misty may take the gold for her mental gymnastic but i am right there with her in silver 😌#also in relistening to this a million times nat doesn't sound truly cruel until after misty says WE'RE here to rescue you #nat sounds her normal irritated before she acknowledges walter sooooo they're obviously in love

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blooming-smiles · 4 months

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sfm secret santa gift for @tinyabbey !!! i had so much w/ this piece ^_^ i like the idea of trencil and boris making amends and hanging out after the habitat (and im sure trevor is just as suspicious of them both to nat’s dismay asdhjh)

#smile for me secret santa 2023 #sfmsecretsanta2023 #smile for me game #s4m #boris habit #trencil varnnia #nat vancey #trevor garbo #lil habby #also side note if u cant tell the stuff trevors pouring is salt #bloomart

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tabithatwo · 11 months

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