I've been feeling a bit rattled and off-kilter all day today ngl

Can I request more smut for A&A couple?? I love sexy jay and jinny RYFUIOOIDEWETYUKOJK

[ read angels & airwaves ]

pairing.  jjk x f!reader.  rating.  explicit.  tags.  gamer!jjk deserves his own warning.  but also cockwarming and a gross amount of love between these two.  wc. 1.5k.  beta reader.  @hobi-gif because she is the pb to my j.  author note.  this is probably less sexy and more soft, but i hope you enjoy and i’m sorry it’s so late! ✨ 

He’s playing Overwatch - unwinding after a long day, dressed down in sweats and little else - when his chair starts rolling back, pulled by an invisible hand.  (Luckily, he’s only in queue, not yet matched into a game.  It’s easy for him to leave, exit out of the waiting screen as he continues his journey away from the desk, releasing his hold on his mouse, letting his keyboard hand fall into his lap.)  Feigned surprise trips across his expression, a subtle widening of his eyes, the softest hm? slipping like sandman’s dust from his lips.

“Play with me,”  you say in that way of yours, deceivingly sweet, lilting like the chorus of his favourite song.  (He thinks that’s what you’d be if you were anything else, played over and over in his thoughts, quiet in the background of his everyday life.  A kind reminder of your love, of your giggles and that cheekiness you offer in spades.  A heartfelt melody in A minor.)

(Jungkook wants to write something for you - because of you - he realises.  Of course he does.)  

He echoes your words back, pairs it with a quirked brow and a sing-song laugh that makes his eyes crinkle, long grooves dug into the bridge of his nose.  Sunshine pours between his teeth, lights up his entire face.  “You wanna play?”

Your answer is a shake of your head, freeing tousled strands from the haphazard bun you wear - the one that goes up any time you’re half-asleep (or gaming or simply too lazy to do anything else) - too many pieces askew to be sophisticated.  (It’s cute still, one of his favourite looks on you.  Messy, sleep-addled, real.)  

“I want you to play.”  The way you enunciate, throw heavy meaning into your words has him curious, chin canting when you round the chair, step to the side and brush a delicate hand through his crown of curls.  You push velvet away from his face, tuck it neatly behind his ear and smile so prettily he swears his heart might leap out of his chest.  The same hand falls over his with meaning, your own eyes the size of saucers.  Were you trying to communicate as if you were psychic?  He thinks you must be when you stare for longer than you need to, mouth pulling and pursing adorably, a wavering wall against whatever you want to offer but won’t.

When he relents, it’s with his hand curled around your wrist and a gentle tug of you closer.  (Because he always wants you closer.)  “Let’s play then.”

It takes you no time at all to settle into his lap, legs dangling around the back of his gaming chair, arms locked around his neck.  He imagines it isn’t the most comfortable position in the world but, well, Jungkook’s not going to complain that his girlfriend wants to cuddle.  Can’t even fathom the thought when you’re so warm and your weight feels like some sort of top-tier blanket.

“Good?”  

You simply nod into the small of his neck, cheek cold against his shoulder.  Maybe you’re just tired.  You haven’t been sleeping well the last few nights, if you could even call it that.  They were more midday cat naps, laid up in his arms on his free days.   

(Don’t worry, you’d said.  He did, anyway.)

When he wins his next three games, he thinks you might be a lucky charm - his own personal blessing, all his good karma offered in the form of victory.  The headshots are clean, the flashbang-right-click combos flawless.  Gold damage is his the entire time;  he’s racking up gold medals left and right with you there with him.

(It’s almost as good as when you play together, your damage boost enabling him to obliterate the enemy without worry.  Granted, the Mercy on his team isn’t bad either - but she’s no you.  Not the girl that makes his heart pitter patter in his chest, play some silly crescendo that feels like a sugar high.)

But then he begins losing, missing shots that should be easy, sends them into the dark, strangely distracted.  He doesn’t realise by what until it’s too late and the next roll of your hips makes him whine, the sound tripping off his tongue in a whimper.  

“Angel.”  The word is practically choked out, broken despite being only two syllables.  You’re still snuggled into his chest, seemingly innocent, unaware of the tension that grows, turning bone to brimstone.  He’s half-worried he’s getting riled up over nothing - turned on by only your closeness - when he feels the damp of your teeth, the sharp edge tickling over muscle.  For what it is, it shouldn’t flood his stomach with heat, have electricity tracking up his spine as if struck by lightning.  “What’re you doing?”

“Play with me.”  You repeat the words into his hair, thread them between the midnight strands as you stamp a sweet, chaste kiss right below his ear.  He thinks he might be able to resist you - until you’re tugging lightly at one of the silver hoops that line his ear, laving your tongue over the sensitive spot that has him seeing stars.

He parrots the words back to you but it isn’t a question this time.  More a promise, tenderness turning his smile soft, needy, utterly in love.

“Let’s go to bed.”  Not because it’s late - though it is, half past two in the morning now - but because he wants to feel you wholly, watch you fall apart in the comfort of your bed.  No more distractions, just the two of you.  Just how he likes it. 

“No.”  That surprises him, throwing him off his axis.  He’s halfway to a pout when you press a kiss, steal his brattiness away with one sweep of your lemon-lined mouth.  “You keep playing.”

Oh.

The time you take to slide his sweats down - taking his boxers with them, fingers hooked into the black band that hugs his hips - should be criminal.  It’s as if you’re doing it on purpose, tugging the material down carefully, balanced above him by his hands on your waist.  

(He steals the softest touches while you’re there, thumbs grazing the undersides of your breasts, fingers laying themselves into the rungs of your ribs.)

When they’re halfway down his legs, he kicks them off, lets them gather in a pile somewhere by his feet.  Forgotten - because he’s got much more important matters to attend to.  “Your turn,”  he hums - almost begs - when you settle back against him, straddling him as you had before, still dressed in his favourite grey shirt and your plain black thong. 

“Nope.”  You’re smiling down at him, more devil than angel, smile so sinful he feels his cock twitch against his stomach, hard and leaking pre-cum from the tip.

“But—”

The turn of your head further dislodges strands, has shadow throwing your features into muted light.  That’s not what has his attention, though.  

It’s your hand dipping between you, curling light around his length.  Pad of your thumb massaging over his head, slicking arousal until the glide is easy.  With a gun to his head, Jungkook couldn’t help himself from moaning, a keening sound that tickles your cheek and has heat flooding his own.  (You’ll be the death of him, he swears.)  “Baby, please—”

“Play,”  you repeat. 

He does, rolling himself forward, finding his mouse and keyboard with trembling hands.  

It’s cruel, what you’re doing.  (It’s also everything he could ask for, offered by the hand of the girl he loves most.  Even through the haze of desire, there’s affection that paints him pink, lights him up like a Christmas tree.)

(All he wants to do is fill you, fuck you full until you’re coming apart, crying his name out in that breathy way that drives him wild.  Playing his favourite song again again again.)

But he’s a good boy for you - always is - so he says nothing as he queues once more, tries his damnedest not to make a sound when he feels the press of his cock against your cunt, the heat that engulfs him when you take him in one fluid motion.

It’s as if his brain short circuits, as if you’ve rewritten all the code that makes him who he is.  He chokes a sound - a whine, a laugh, a cry - when you sink fully into him, curl those arms back around his neck.  You’re absolutely perfect, wet and warm.  Split wide open by how deep he is, clit flush against his pelvis, velvet walls yielding to the fullness.  

Whether he wins or loses his next games, Jungkook doesn’t care.  He’s already got everything he could ask for. 

tag list.  @neverthefirstchoice @youwannabelostandnotbefound @snackhobi @codeinebelle

Rambling—there’s a lot on my mind today

For a while there were a couple songs on Rep that I thought were not about love at all, and were instead about Taylor’s management team—mainly I Did Something Bad and Look What You Made Me Do. Initially I wondered if Taylor was at all resentful over her PR and how it’s forced her to hide a lot of significant aspects of her life, and especially relationships (particularly with Karlie). Even though I thought it was plausible that Taylor would write about Tree/her PR team, I’m think it’s more likely that she wrote these about being bullied by her record label, how it made her feel, and how she’s been trying to break out of it.

Taylor signed with BMR when she was still a young country artist with a strong conservative fan base. Efforts to craft her public persona focused a lot on her youth and innocence. And while this really suits her first two even three albums, as Taylor started getting older, I think the scope of what she was “allowed” to say and share in her lyrics became more restricted. Any lyrics about potential relationships with other women, or songs with female love interests were edited to be gender neutral, we see the beginning of bearding, planted PR stunts/details to make the public associate already written lyrics with men Taylor was spotted with. All the shaming and overreaction about Taylor dating really picks up and there’s scandal over Taylor doing things that are incredibly normal for a girl her age to be doing. A beautiful, talented 20-something year old woman casually dates a few people and maybe has physical/sexual experiences all turns into Taylor being slut-shamed. The wholesome image of the small town girl who grew up on a Christmas tree farm and moved to Tennessee to pursue her country music dreams no longer fits the reality of a young adult exploring her art and her sexuality and expression. She’s starting to widen her genre pool. Her fan base is expanding. She’s grown. The one size fits all innocent curly blonde country sweetheart image gets tossed out entirely and now we see the beginning of Taylor’s fashion era’s—the annual style switch up that’s since given us bold red lips, vintage dresses, a bob haircut, bleached beach waves, leather and snakes, black motifs, and now pastel rainbows galore. Taylor embraced them all and always looked amazing but they were carefully crafted veneers that just went over the top of the true cat-loving, peace sign throwing Taylor we know and love.

Anyway all of this to say, Taylor has spent the majority of her career being told who to be and even though she’s truly taken on so many styles as her own, she’s been forced to or maybe just chose to communicate and express her truth to dedicated fans through the tiny little messages and Easter eggs she leaves behind. Subtle enough for the general public to glaze over, but super fucking loud for those who are willing to look closely. Quiet because anytime she talks, people are so quick to criticize without even listening.

It’s widely believed that LWYMMD was about public feuds Taylor has been involved in with other celebs and the criticism she faced for “playing the victim” but let’s consider for a moment that the PR strategy in place for Taylor to beard [with Calvin and Tom and Joe and all the others before] came initially NOT from Taylor or Tree, but instead from Big Machine Records and that these experiences helped drive the direction of the Rep album and Taylor’s behavior/Easter eggs. She really called them the fuck out while she rode out the rest of her contract and hoped to negotiate something better for her future.

I don't like your little games

Don't like your tilted stage

The role you made me play

Of the fool, no, I don't like you

I don't like your perfect crime

How you laugh when you lie

You said the gun was mine

Isn't cool, no, I don't like you

Ever since Taylor has been under BMR they’ve basically played her and exploited her for their benefit and for profit. They crafted and controlled her image, forced her to be and act like someone she isn’t, all while making a fortune. They probably tried to make her feel like she got to have a say in things but she really wasn’t given much control over herself.

I don't like your kingdom keys

They once belonged to me

You asked me for a place to sleep

Locked me out and threw a feast (What?)

The world moves on, another day, another drama, drama

But not for me, not for me, all I think about is karma

And then the world moves on, but one thing's for sure

Maybe I got mine, but you'll all get yours

Here I think Taylor is saying that yeah, at one point in time she did have some control, the power was in her hands, but once her fame and notoriety was amassing, they (BMR and management) took it from her and then went on profiting from her hard work while she continued to be used. They use her, control her public reactions, and get her involved in these feuds to stir publicity but she’s been sitting back silently taking it and plotting her rise. They’re all removed from these stunts. She’s the one that had to live with it. But she’s biding her time. She’s plotting her next move. Her hints have been getting more obvious. She’s getting more bold and more public, which is showcased particularly well by her political activism and Lover era imagery.

I feel like the Reputation era in general was Taylor saying that she’s done putting up with the bullshit. She’s tired of men with power they don’t deserve constantly calling the shots and making plays at her when they only see her as dollars they can use. She’s tired of not being able to show who she loves and how she really is. She’s ready to be happy. She’s ready to put this behind her.

I think that’s what makes me feel so sick about the news of the BMR sell to fucking Scooter Braun—after all of the shit Taylor has had to deal with, after giving her all to a management team that she trusted but that used her, she entrusted her life’s work to Scott and moved on to a new label that actually gave her ownership and empowerment and actually valued her craft...and Scott sold out to the shady powers at be who are financed by people that only want to hurt, punish, or profit off of Taylor. Fucking Josh Kushner, his criminal family, and the Carlyle Group really went out there to financially back Scooter just so they could aid in his takeover of Taylor’s historical catalogue. It’s sick.

My heart really goes out to Taylor. She’s fought so fucking hard to create the incredible work she has, all while trying to make things better for other artists who don’t have the same negotiating power, and people still have the nerve to say that she’s being dramatic because she didn’t get notified of the sale sooner—this is so much bigger than that.

I know swifties are doing what they can to show their support, so I know I’m not alone in saying that I wish I could give Taylor a hug in the wake of the news breaking and the back and forth he said she said of the guilty parties desperately trying to save face through their lie-laced rebuttals to her blog.

Taylor—We stand with you. We see you. We believe you. And we’re ready to support the hell out of Lover.

Psycho Analysis: Ego

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS!)

Years ago, comic book movies were absolutely, totally afraid to be even a little weird. Raimi carried the weirdness torch for a while thanks to the success of the Spider-Man trilogy, but for some reason he was the only person unafraid to be goofy; even Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, a movie about one of the more fun and campy classical hero teams, was completely and utterly afraid to show a big man in purple armor who eats planets and so instead opted to show us an intergalactic fart cloud. The precedent set by franchises like Blade, X-Men, and Nolan’s Batman films lingered for a long time.

Then along came James Gunn.

Gunn is a man unafraid to be weird, and Guardians of the Galaxy really changed the game in 2014. There’s a gun-toting raccoon, a talking tree, a bald blue cyborg woman, and an alcoholic duck, and the movie is a smash hit critically and financially; there is now no excuse not to put the wierdest stuff from the comics faithfully into film. And for the sequel, Gunn apparently saw fit to bring in one of Marvel’s most bonkers bad guys: Ego, the Living Planet.

Ego is the perfect example of how to adapt something utterly bizarre from the comics, changing some major elements while still staying true to the nature of the character himself. Ego here is Peter Quill’s father, something that isn’t true in the comics, as well as a Celestial, something also not true in the comics… but he is still a sentient planet, and he is still completely and utterly evil.

Actor: Kurt Russell, 80s superstar and the reason Solid Snake exists, plays Ego to perfection. Ego is a character with, well, an ego; he’s selfish, self-centered, and lacking in empathy, but he also needs to come off as charming and friendly or we the audience would see through him immediately. Russell is the exact perfect man for that job; this is a guy who managed to play a character who was mildly transphobic and still have them come off as likable. Russell is also able to switch from affable and charming to scary and furious with ease, which is a big help after the reveal when Ego drops all pretense. Russell just kills it, there’s no other way to put it.

Motivation/Goals: Ego has an almost sympathetic goal, one that, from a certain point of view, makes him come off as a bit sympathetic. The guy was drifting alone in the void for eons and had to piece himself together, so is it any wonder he was horrifically lonely when he was finally able to set out to find life? Of course, that loneliness and isolation led to him developing some really nasty personality traits, and so he decided the best course of action after finding out other intelligent life was “boring” was to plant seeds on every planet, sire a child with powers just like him, and then wipe out all life and turn all the planets in the universe into extensions of himself. It is a plan truly befitting a character with the name “Ego,” and while it is true his motivation is at least a little deserving of sympathy, his goals and how he goes about trying to ameliorate his pain is what makes Ego an irredeemable monster.

Personality: Ego is perhaps one of the most aptly named characters in all of fiction, and he’s also one of the few characters one could make the honest claim that his ego is literally the size of a planet. Ego puts forth this identity of a charming, fatherly figure, happy, affable, jokey… just really sweet and charming. But much like the avatar he uses, it’s all just a mask.

Look at how he talks about what he did to Peter’s mom; he says it with such a wistful, resigned melancholy flavored with this “I did what I had to do” smugness that is a twisted reflection of how one might recall their first date, and then follows it up with a horrifically callous response of “I know that sounds bad.” Ego is such a monstrous, unrepentant sociopath with so little regard for life that is beneath his lofty stature that I just don’t think he really comprehends things like empathy. He is the ultimate psychopathic manchild, an arrogant egotist who hides behind this friendly veneer until the moment things don’t go the way he wants, at which point he starts screaming, ranting, and raving. The fact he is completely and utterly taken aback that Peter would unload multiple shots into him after being told Ego gave his mother a brain tumor is really telling of just what kind of person he really is.

Final Fate: The bomb Groot planted on Ego’s brain goes off, and Ego’s avatar crumbles to dust as the planet begins to blow up, seeing as its brain just got obliterated. The beautiful karma of this moment makes it extra delicious; after putting that tumor on Meredith Quill’s brain, is it not fitting he die after having something planted on his brain?

Best Scene: Ego just really dominates every scene he’s in, but I think the big reveal, where he shows just what a sick and depraved villain with a lack of care for life as he reveals what he did to Meredith Quill, is one of the MCU’s finest scenes.

Best Quote: It took only one single line to cement Ego as the most horrible, evil, disgusting monster in the MCU: “It broke my heart to put that tumor in her head.”

Final Thoughts & Score: Ego is fantastic on so many levels, but one level I think should not be overlooked is on a meta level. As I mentioned, for the longest time silliness and weird concepts were out the door when it came to superhero films. One needs only look at the X-Men franchise to see how dour things were, with their dull black costumes and overwhelmingly miserable and unfun atmospheres. More lighthearted or sillier fare did not go over well, as Iron Man 2 and Green Lantern can attest, and magic was totally absent for a while in the MCU probably because of fears audiences wouldn’t take it seriously. But James Gunn changed all that, and I think Ego definitely played a huge role in cementing that audiences will embrace and love in the weirdest stuff out of comics. Thanks to Ego, I think a lot of other creators became unafraid to let that freak flag fly and put things in movies they might have been too worried to put in before, with the ultimate and best example being Mister Mind joining the DCEU in the end of Shazam! It gives me hope that Tawky Tawny might show up there in a sequel.

On a character level, Ego is without a doubt the most punchable scumbag in the entire MCU, with only Mysterio coming close. The fact he casually admits to killing Peter’s mother and expects him to be okay with it… Can you really blame Peter for immediately unloading his guns into his father? I mean, when faced with a man who is utterly unrepentant in killing a loved one that they also claimed they loved and says they had to do it to further their goals, would you not also have a knee-jerk reaction like that? Yes, I am getting at this being a canon moment that shows Peter’s reaction to Thanos in Infinity War was not a stupid moment, it was a moment that was built up by what he did to Ego. And I think that just adds to Ego even more, because he helped cement a character trait of Peter’s that would lead to one of the most horrific gut punches in cinematic history.

Ego is an easy 10/10, and is one of the MCU’s greatest villains. He’s a perfect “love to hate” character, and he’s also a perfect villain for a story about family. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 has family as a focal point of the story, with the arcs of every single character revolving around the idea that family doesn’t have to be blood ties, it can be with the people who love you and who you’ve bonded with the most. Yondu’s line of “He may’ve been your father, boy, but he wasn’t your daddy” is what really sells it, honestly; Ego is Peter’s biological father, yes, but Yondu raised him and even if he didn’t always do right by him, in the end he showed himself to be a better man and better dad than Ego ever could have hoped to be. I suppose that’s a bit off topic from Ego himself, but I feel like it’s important to note just how deeply thematic he is as a villain, tying into the core message of the story while also letting loose in utter sociopathic villainy.

I think there is a great irony in Ego’s ultimate plan; for all his claims of being lonely and desiring others like him, what exactly does he think would happen if the entire universe was nothing but himself? Would he truly have been satisfied? Perhaps; he was a narcissistic to the highest degree for sure. But I like that there is some ambiguity to things about Ego, I like how there are some things to think about, I like how a villain who has a plan that is not clearly thought out by them yet that they believe is the proper course of action is something of a setup for what Thanos would be.

And really, out of every other villain in the MCU, Ego is most like Thanos. The obvious part is the plan, though only Endgame Thanos really wanted to reshape the universe in his image; still, as I mentioned, their plans are both something they believe is the true and righteous course of action, though Thanos is far more sympathetic in this regard. They also both felt the need to sacrifice loved ones in pursuit of their goals, and they both have incredibly poor relationships with some of their kids. I think the main difference is that Thanos, for all his faults, does have some empathy, he does have some sympathetic traits even if they don’t redeem how much of an awful person he was. Ego has none of that. Ego squanders any sympathy he could have gained by being utterly unrepentant and casual about his misdeeds, which include slaughtering his other children and killing Peter’s mother despite claiming to have loved her dearly. At least Thanos openly wept at what he did to Gamora, at least he felt sadness,  guilt, and regret. Ego just doesn’t care. He did it because whatever he really felt for Meredith, there was only one person he could ever truly love: Himself.

In short, Yondu was right: that guy was a jackass.

ten out of ten

word count: 3.638

pairing: kim jongin x reader

genre: fluff! sports college! au (weightlifting fairy kim bok joo, anyone?)

author's note: hello! it’s me ;; lol, um so I was supposed to finish this sooo long ago for the valentine’s day collab with @lucyandthepen @baekbuns @jiminiesthighss and @starcrossed8 ! read there parts at @v-daycollab, they’re all so good and fluffy and uwu. anyways i hope you like it!!

+

“I’m so sorry, Jongin.” You muttered into the phone for the millionth time in just the past five minutes of your phone call with your boyfriend.

“It’s not your fault, that you got sick. We can just go on a date next weekend and say it’s Valentine’s day.”

You chuckled before coughing, a nervous cough more than a sick one. He’s so thoughtful. The guilt slowly started to creep up you.

“Okay, I’ll let you rest, Y/N. Get well soon.” His sweet words made you wince. You really hope karma won’t beat you up for this.

The screen went back to your basic wallpaper. The call was over.

You made eye contact with your roommate who was lounging on her bed, hugging her Pikachu plush, before you screamed. Or well, more like a girly shriek that bounced off the empty walls of your shared apartment as your feet frustratedly kicked the empty air wishing that your luck would go and fuck itself. You’d somehow lost balance on the bed (anything was possible with you) and tumbled off the bed, a loud thud echoing throughout the empty room. You clenched your hand, void of your phone as you’d thrown it somewhere else immediately after the phone call ended. Hopefully, you didn’t throw it too far. You couldn’t bear to starve to fix a broken screen, again.

You struggled to come out of the blankets that you’d wrapped yourself in (claiming that if you acted like a sick person maybe you’d sound more like one) and scrambled to the wall mirror attached on the wall next to your bed.

A gasp left your mouth as your fingers brushed over the big, red, disgusting, and very ugly pimple that resided on the tip of your nose.

“Did it get bigger?” Your roommate questions from her bed.

A shriek comes out in response. You cover your mouth, muttering, “Why is it so big?” You poke at it a few more times, careful not to touch it too much, reading somewhere that you should absolutely not touch a pimple if you don’t want it to scar.

“Wow, it’s so big.”

Min, your roommate, ducks as your hand flies straight towards her cheek. You almost smack her in the face but she’s always been blessed with fast reflexes, part of the reason why she has trophies stacked upon one another in your shared medal case, well, cabinet. If it wasn’t for that, she’d be sporting a good hand-sized mark on her face. More specifically, your hand-size mark.

You smack her on the shoulder a few times because she scared the living shit out of you (how does she move that fast?) still careful with your strength as not to hurt her (again) before you jump back into your bed and bury your face in your pillow. It takes a minute for you to calm down, and flail some more about how bad your luck is, and for Min to recover from her ‘near death experience’ (she deserved it) before she comes over to pat your head and attempt at soothing away your loneliness that you’ve been misfortuned with on Valentine’s Day.

“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t have a Valentine either.”

“Oh shut up, you chose to be lonely.” Your voice is muffled by your pillow so it sounds more like gibberish than anything.

Min was a part of the swim team at your college. With both of you attending one of the grandest sports colleges in Korea, that fact alone made her “popular with the guys.” Her words, not yours. She was also pretty and had an amazing body from swimming every day, every week, every hour. You, on the other hand, were just a measly Taekwondo major. You know how to swing a good kick, maybe flip a few people, but you envied Min’s abs, and thighs, and her extremely model-like physique. It’s not like you didn’t have any muscles or nice looking features, they just paled in comparison to Min’s. The girl eats so much, you wonder where it all goes. 

You’d gotten here on a scholarship and Min had been scouted from a national competition. You’d been lucky to just have been runner up in a grand Taekwondo competition that your teacher had signed you up for. Thank god for the fact that people do (sometimes) look at people other than first.

It's been three years since you’ve started college. Three years of hard work, training, bodybuilding, sweat, tears. Being a third year at the college, had its perks, though. For example, not having to do your seniors laundry just because they’re older and they told you so. Those people who take the notion of respect and use it in that way piss you off. A lot.

Maybe it has something to do with Taekwondo since respect is a major factor that needs to be taken into consideration when doing the sport, or you were just that amazing and great of a person. You lean more towards the latter option.

You’re embarrassed to say that outside of your own department, people basically knew you as the ‘Taekwondo major who fights everyone.’ Min’s words, not yours. She'd told you this one fateful day when a group of freshmen guys scurried away when you made eye contact with them. 

The first time you actually encountered Jongin, your boyfriend, who you’d just bailed on over a phone call, was at the beginning of this year. About nine months ago (you weren’t counting or anything, just an estimation off the top of your head, totally). You’ve obviously seen him around (he’s literally in the same year and college as you, how could you not?). A part of the swim team, with everyone knowing who he was with just his name, and he was cute too. A swimmer with good looks? Kim Jongin has all the women swooning.

It was a good afternoon, after you ate lunch, walking to practice, you and your teammates filling up the silence about how nice the Hapkido team’s, Byun Baekhyun’s kick was in his latest match. And his ass, but that doesn’t matter (the guy’s got a really cute butt, though, good for him). But in all honesty, you all should get a few tips from him.

A man around the age of forty, you assumed he was one of the teachers or mentors just from his looks, but he acted like a total asshole, walked up to you and started ordering you around.

“Finally! I need you all to take these chairs to the big stadium!” He shouted at your team. It was only the third years, and you all were only passing from the cafeteria to get to your gym. Why would he ask random students out of the blue?

You step forward, seeing no one else in the gym. “Are you talking to us?”

He waved his clipboard in the air and huffs in annoyance. “Well, who else? You guys are students here aren’t you?”

“Well, yeah. Are you a teacher here? I’ve never seen you here before.” You cross your arms over your chest, as he eyes you up and down.

“Obviously, now stop asking questions. They need these in the big stadium before one-thirty.”

“No one told us that we had to do this.” You sneered, mocking him. “We don’t even know who you are and we’re Taekwondo majors. We don’t even lift weights, and you expect us to take all these to the stadium across the school?”

You feel someone elbow you in the side. “We can just take them, it’s fine—“

“Yeah, listen to her, you girly. At least she shows respect to her sensei.”

“Sensei?” You spit. “I only give respect to a sensei that deserves it.”

“Hey! Hey! What’s going on here?” You turn to the side to see the swim coach walk into the gym with his whole team following behind him. You barely, not even for a millisecond, lock eyes with Kim Jongin who was right next to him before you turned away, embarrassment finally flooding through your veins. “Y/N? Are you picking another fight?”

Embarrassment never lasts with you however, when you're wrongly accused.

“Wait, wait, wait a second.” You spread your arms and throw a glare at the man. Coach Kim awaits your excuse this time. You could see how bored he looks already and here you are thinking that you’re on good terms with him. “He told us,” you point to your teammates, “to take these,” your finger points to the stacks of chairs, that looked to be about five hundred chairs, “to the stadium.”

Mr. Kim chuckles under his breath. “That’s it? He’s the performance director, Y/N, and I’m glad that you took precautions, but—“ he turned to the rest of your teammates, “none of you have ever seen him before?”

One of the smaller third-year girls spoke. “I think I’ve seen him around the dorms a few times.”

“See! You should’ve said that earlier, so all this wouldn’t have happened!” He clapped his hands in a very teacherly manner. “Now all is settled! Just help him out this once, yeah?”

You scoffed but didn’t say anything.

“Great! I’ll see you all later.” He clapped your back and waved at the other girls before making his way towards the exit with the rest of the team following him, whispering among themselves. You really hoped that they weren’t talking about you.

“Now that all’s settled—“ the performance directed twirled his pen, very uncoordinatedly you may add, as it flew out of his hand and landed behind him. He turned around to pick the pen up when you heard his pants rip. 

He looked back, surprised, but his hand was too late to cover what everyone saw.

You gasped. Another girl screamed. Before everything went to chaos.

Hot pink had peeled out from the rip and you were clearly able to see the strands of a fucking thong coming out from his pants. You grabbed a chair and used it to shield you from him, when he turned around and, and had the audacity to smirk at you.

“Do—don’t come closer!” You stuttered, as you shoved the chair towards him, a slight tremble visible in your voice. “Someone go call Coach Kim!” He stepped closer, hands raised wearily, and a chorus of screams rang throughout the gym.

At that exact moment, with you clutching the chair in front of you, a few girls behind you, and you cowering in front of a completely disgusting psychopath, Jongin came running in with Coach Kim hot on his heels. It was all a blur from there.

Everything was taken care of cleanly in the end, however, you were very much scarred. Never in your life had you thought there were people who actually did those type of things.

“Hey, are you okay?” You looked up from the office chair to see Jongin, looking at you. Was he... worried? No, that’s ridiculous. He didn’t even know you.

“I—um, yeah. Just a... weird day.” You winced. Great, when you really needed to be good at words you turn into an ugly mess.

“Yeah, weird is an understatement. Come on, I’ll walk you to your dorms.” He held his hand out for you, which you embarrassingly didn’t see. If you hadn’t seen him awkwardly wipe his hand on his jacket when you got up you wouldn’t have even noticed.

You couldn’t help but think that maybe it was because you were a Taekwondo major. People never saw you as feminine or girly. They reserved their hands to be held by art, literature, dance, rhythmic gymnastics types of girls. Not by a ‘strong and boyish’ Y/N. You also weren’t too bad looking. Nothing over the top, but you could look good if you tried. You just didn’t try seeing that no one really cares in the end.

He held the door open for you on your way out with you mumbling a small thank you before silence loomed over the two of you. You were jittery, finding the silence uncomfortable before he spoke up.

“I guess Coach kept only you and me for the witnesses.” He muttered, shoving his hands in his pockets to shield him from the cool evening breeze. Everything had taken longer than expected, well this has never happened to you, so it’s not like you could speak from experience, but from the times you’ve visited the main office, this is the longest it has been.

“Yeah, I’m glad he didn’t bring the other girls into it.”

“Yeah.” He paused. “I think that was really brave of you.”

Your head whipped towards him before you laughed.

Your laugh echoed throughout the empty courtyard, and maybe, the shock had finally started filling to you from the horrible day you just went through You may have heard Jongin’s join in with you in the middle, but no, he probably found you even weirder, or crazy or possessed. It’s happened before. “Please? Me? Brave?” You scoffed. “I was literally shaking.”

He lightly nudged your side. “I’ve never seen someone hold a chair that confidently. Ten out of ten from me.”

You chuckled. “Thanks, Jongin.”

It all went uphill from there. Morning chats when you didn’t have class and accompanied Min to the pool, you’d spot him. Small talks led to you going out eating together, watching movies, and even shopping whenever you felt like it, as he needed a girl’s advice on what to wear for another one of his blind dates. He really was popular from how many times that had happened. Obviously, you were jealous, after growing a small crush on him. Well, it’s not exactly your fault, who wouldn’t be able to.

You only started dating last month, with you fumbling over your sentences for at least an hour after he confessed to you (apparently those blind dates that he needed to get ready for were excuses to go out with you. Please, you absolutely melted when he confessed). Because Kim fucking Jongin confessed to you. Sure, you had one boyfriend before in high school, but everyone knew that Insik was a tool. So, that doesn’t really count.

+

Lounging on the couch, stuffing popcorn in your face with blankets thrown around all over you, you jumped when you heard a thud coming from your room. You jolted upright, confused as to if something fell or someone broke into your house and was about to kill you.

Min left earlier for practice. Checking the time, you deemed it was about time she got back. Could she even help if a thief broke in? What if it wasn’t even a thief? What if it was a pedo—you choked just at the thought of it.

No other sound came from the room, but before you could call the coast clear, you had to make sure. Throwing the covers off of you, you padded to your room, your hand reaching out to turn on the light—

“Boo!”

The scream that flew out of your mouth would no doubt have been heard by your neighbors. Your back hit the wall, hands coming up to cover your mouth when you looked up to see if you could recognize the person who’s about to steal all your money and kill you. But then your eyes met those familiar, warm brown ones and you screamed even louder.

“Jongin?” You shriek, enraged. “What the fuck?” You grab a pillow that just happened to be on the floor next to you and chucked it as hard as you can at him.

He doesn’t look phased, a small smile spreading on his lips. You cross your arms, an unconscious pout forming on your lips as you send a glare in his direction.

He slowly walks towards you and you back away, suddenly feeling trapped. What’s happening—why is he—why does this feel like one of those movies where the guy traps the girl against the wall and kisses—

Your own foot betrays you. It knocks itself into your other foot sending you tumbling, and you obviously grab onto the closest thing available to steady yourself, which is obviously Jongin.

A stream of curses flies past your lips as your back makes contact with the floor and Jongin collapses on top of you. On top of you. On top of you.

You can feel your face flaring when you look down feeling something on your chest. That was Jongin. And his face was buried in your neck.

The door opens at that exact moment and your roommate enters. She analyzes the situation before making a move.

“I’m out.”

Both you and Jongin’s head turn to her, finally noticing her presence when her back is turned as she closes the door.

“Wait! Min—“

Jongin stumbles as he scrambles off of you, and you cough way too much for normal, your face probably tomato red at the moment. You hear the front door close, and you internally throw a roundhouse at your friend. It was not what it looked like.

“Well... um.” You look towards Jongin who’s running his fingers, distractedly through his hair, a sheepish look on his face. “I brought soup.” You look towards the lunch box that tumbled from his hands during your fall. You make eye contact, then burst out laughing. The soup didn’t survive the fall either.

+

“You know that pimple looks cute on you.”

You gasp handing flying to your nose to cover it. It’s been a few hours since Jongin crashed at your place. You’d totally forgotten that you were supposed to go on a date with him and bailed on it because you had a ginormous monstrosity on your nose and wanted nothing to do with him until it was gone.

“Is that why you said you were sick?” Your eyes widened when you realized that you were caught.

“N—no! I’m actually sick!” You faked a cough just for an extra measure.

He suddenly leaned towards you and you felt a wave of deja vu wash over you as you leaned back. It seemed you leaned a little too far back, as you almost fell off the couch. His hand shot out and grabbed your shoulder, to which he stilled you before his hand cupped your face. You looked back at him wide-eyed, his eyes holding yours for what felt like an eternity. You could feel your face burning up under his touch.

He hummed while pulling away. “Yeah, you’re not sick.” You scoffed, turning away from him, letting your hair drape over your face hoping he couldn’t see you become tomato red. Confrontation is not your friend. Jongin looking at you like that is not your friend either.

You cupped your own face with your hands wishing that your cool fingers could calm your red blood cells. Any more and you’d burst. “You can’t go all up and close to me like that without askin—“you muttered turning around and almost screaming again when you saw just how much space was between the two of you.

With both of you on your couch, your blankets covering the both of you. He was almost hovering over you, leaning on to the couch arm for support, as to not fall (unlike you, who almost fell earlier, he has precautions). His breath fanned over your face and your eyes searched him, frantically. You had no idea what was going on.

His voice was no louder than a whisper when he spoke. “Do I need permission—“ and then he swooped down and kissed you.

You’ve only kissed one other guy before and then, it was mediocre. You deduced that maybe, that was just how kissing was. You didn’t see the appeal that all the other girls talked about. It was more of an awkward mouth sucking, lip biting, and teeth clashing kind of experience. It was horrible, per se. However, today you find out that appeal that all the girls would talk about it. It wasn’t kissing that had no appeal, it was the tool that you had kissed. He was nothing compared to Kim Jongin.

It was a gentle kiss. his lips pressed to yours, fingers playing with the baby hairs that framed your face. Your hands felt awkward placed on your lap, as they started moving upwards, exploring his broad chest. Does he work out that much, good Lord—

He pulled away slowly, his forehead touching yours, causing your hands to still. Too bad. You sighed, lips parting and opened your eyes. A small smile formed on your lips when you saw his eyes flutter open an almost dazed look coating them. “—to do this?” He finished his sentence and you only just registered what he said before.

You gasp, flabbergasted. He kissed you like that to just ask if he needs permission to—! You smacked his chest hopefully not too hard, but still enough to make up for him teasing you.

“Ow,” he whined. “I come to bring you food when I thought you were sick, and then I find out that you bailed on me, and now you’re abusing me.” He pouts, and you see it as one of the cutest things in the world. He perfectly resembles a kicked puppy. You literally coo on the inside. He’s too adorable for his own good.

You open your mouth to retort but he cuts you off with another chaste kiss. You frown at him because you forgot what you were going to say.

“It’s alright, though. I think this is a pretty good Valentine’s day. Ten out of ten from me.” He leaves you speechless, and you can’t even say anything when he winks at you before he brings you into another kiss.

It doesn’t really count as a date. But, you agree. You'd give this ‘date’ a ten out of ten as well.

hey baby won't you look my way (i can be your new addiction)

Chapter 3: ...no these are fuCKING SEXTS

ao3

Chapter Summary: There's a substitute teacher, Cheryl and Toni have a plan, and Betty is a "good fucking person."

Monday, 7:17 AM

gays united

hbicheryl: good morning gays

wannabett: CHERYL

hbicheryl: good morning gays, cousin betty

hbicheryl: happy?

wannabett: yes

hisshissmotherfucker: why the fuck are you texting us at this ungodly hour

hisshissmotherfucker: go back to sleep

nopeaz: school starts in less than an hour dipshit

hisshissmotherfucker: whatever

veroffica: cheryl, you're in a way better mood than normal. what happened?

hbicheryl: im offended! cant i just be in a good mood because i feel like it?

wannabett: no

hbicheryl: fine

hbicheryl: the history teacher is sick so we have a substitute

hisshissmotherfucker: FUCK YES

wannabett: im confused why is this a good thing??

spillthefogarTEA: oh betty

spillthefogarTEA: poor, sweet betty

nopeaz: substitutes are naive and cant control the class

nopeaz: so we can do whatever we want

wannabett: im not sure thats the best idea

spillthefogarTEA: choni and i have history first period with you, cooper

spillthefogarTEA: we'll show you what we mean

8:16 AM

hbicheryl + nopeaz

hbicheryl: this is even better than i thought

nopeaz: he looks so timid

hbicheryl: this is going to be so much fun

hbicheryl: lets begin phase one

8:19 AM

gays united

wannabett: is this cheryl and tonis master plan? to text out in the open?

jugheadalones: theyre cheryl and toni

wannabett: meaning??

jugheadalones: im sure theres more to it than that

goingtoheller: ^^tru

wannabett: i guess ill just have to wait and see

8:23 AM

gays united

wannabett: okay the sub is asking cheryl and toni to get off their phones

wannabett: theyre ignoring him ofc

wannabett: asdJFDJJSSSKKDXM

hisshissmotherfucker: WHAT HAPPENED

spillthefogarTEA: HE GRABBED TONIS PHONE RIGHT OUT OF HER HANDS SHE LOOKS SO FUCKING STARTLED

goingtoheller: LMAO

spillthefogarTEA: OH SHIT NOW HES READING CHONIS TEXTS FROM TONIS PHONE

wannabett: ...no these are fuCKING SEXTS

veroffica: I'M WHEEZING

hisshissmotherfucker: WHAT DO THE TEXTS SAY

spillthefogarTEA: "maybe after this we can sneak in a quickie between classes"

spillthefogarTEA: "i could finger you up against the bathroom wall"

spillthefogarTEA: "or i could eat you out in the storage closet"

spillthefogarTEA: "of course... youd have to be quiet"

spillthefogarTEA: "do you think you can do that? can you be a good girl for me?"

wannabett: cheryl is as red as her hair

wannabett: toni looks like she wishes the earth would swallow her whole

goingtoheller: I'M DEAD.

veroffica: THIS IS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD

hbicheryl: GUYS STOP LAUGHING THIS ISNT FUNNY

goingtoheller: no, this is definitely funny.

hisshissmotherfucker: wait were the texts from toni or cheryl??

wannabett: he didnt say

goingtoheller: ooh, any theories? i'm still on team vers. cheryl, can you confirm anything?

hbicheryl: SHUT THE FUCK UP THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING

veroffica: i should hope so!

jugheadalones: ...i did NOT need to know this much about chonis sex life

wannabett: i guess the sub isnt as incompetent as you thought

spillthefogarTEA: lmao sucks to be you guys

spillthefogarTEA: oh shit i think hes looking at the notifications

spillthefogarTEA: "spill the... fogarty!" yep im done for youre all invited to my funeral except for choni bc they got us into this mess

wannabett: fangs' phones has been confiscated as well as cheryls in case you were wondering

wannabett: haha thats karma i guess

wannabett: fuck now he wants mine too why me??

veroffica: ...guys?

goingtoheller: that was the most exciting thing that i've witnessed secondhand in a WHILE.

hisshissmotherfucker: i hope nothing bad happened to fangs

hisshissmotherfucker: or toni or cheryl or betty

jugheadalones: i wonder whats going on there right now

veroffica: well, i don't have any classes with any of them for a while, so i won't be able to know what happened until they get their phones back.

hisshissmotherfucker: ^^

jugheadalones: ^^

goingtoheller: ^^

12:03 PM

gays united

hbicheryl: WE FINALLY GOT OUR PHONES BACK

hbicheryl: I CAN PRACTICALLY TASTE THE FREEDOM

nopeaz: now i just have to go live in a cave for a few years until everyone forgets about that debacle

spillthefogarTEA: thats not going to happen any time soon

goingtoheller: fangs is right, that was iconic.

veroffica: you two will never live that down.

jugheadalones: half of riverdale high is already speculating as to which one of you two sent the texts and which one of you received the texts

hisshissmotherfucker: cheryl, toni, care to make a statement?

hbicheryl: no

nopeaz: fuck off

goingtoheller: well, at least they seem to be on the same page.

wannabett: can we talk about whats REALLY important now??

jugheadalones: and what would that be?

wannabett: ALL FOUR OF US GOT DETENTION!!

veroffica: can the substitute even do that?

spillthefogarTEA: yeah, he wrote us all up for "repeatedly disobeying a clear set of instructions"

nopeaz: at least its only for today

wannabett: ive never gotten detention before! how the hell am i going to explain this to my mom??

hbicheryl: lmao cant relate

wannabett: im a good fucking person i dont deserve this

12:39 PM

gays united

hisshissmotherfucker: wait cheryl and toni what was your master plan?

hbicheryl: oh we were just going to sext for a while and then make out in the back of the classroom

veroffica: ...that was a letdown.

goingtoheller: yeah, i expected better.

nopeaz: we were horny when we came up with that plan okay

jugheadalones: now THAT makes more sense

spillthefogarTEA: tbh im still kinda disappointed tho

1:22 PM

gays united

wannabett: SHIT

veroffica: what's wrong, betts?

wannabett: i think the school told my mom about the detention :(

goingtoheller: what makes you think that?

wannabett: shes called me four times today already

wannabett: ive been ignoring her but knowing my mom she'll probably just show up here to talk to me

jugheadalones: she wouldnt do that

wannabett: you underestimate her

veroffica: b is right. her mom is just crazy enough to do that.

1:40 PM

gays united

wannabett: huh i wonder why the secretary is calling me to the office

wannabett: it couldnt be my mom, could it??

wannabett: who wants to bet against me?

goingtoheller: a, congrats on finally living up to your screen name!

goingtoheller: b, there is no way that i'm going to be stupid enough to take you up on that.

jugheadalones: i'll bite.

jugheadalones: 20 bucks it isnt her

wannabett: youre on jug

wannabett: be prepared to lose $20

1:55 PM

gays united

wannabett: angry-mama-cooper.jpeg

wannabett: fork over the money jones

jugheadalones: ...fuck

jugheadalones: this is what i get for believing that alice cooper wouldnt be that petty??

hbicheryl: no this is what you get for being a fool

wannabett: same thing

spillthefogarTEA: okay im sure that im going to regret asking this, but what did mrs cooper want that took fifteen minutes to talk about?

wannabett: the usual

wannabett: "youre disappointing your family, you need to do better, you dont want to end up like polly," etc.

veroffica: i'm sorry, b. :(

wannabett: it isnt your fault v

veroffica: i know, but your mom clearly isn't sorry for the crazy expectations she puts on you because polly didn’t turn out the way she wanted, so somebody has to be. and i want that somebody to be me.

wannabett: you really think so?

veroffica: i know so.

spillthefogarTEA: thats so sweet

hbicheryl: and REALLY gay

spillthefogarTEA: ofc

veroffica: *bi, and betty and i are just best friends.

wannabett: ^^^

spillthefogarTEA: sweets and i are best friends and if i had said something like that to him yall wouldnt think that we were just being friends

wannabett: thats bc you and sweet pea are super gay for each other

hisshissmotherfucker: false

spillthefogarTEA: ...you dont think that im hot? :(

hisshissmotherfucker: no i think that youre the hottest person in the whole damn universe

hisshissmotherfucker: but that doesnt mean that im in love with you

hbicheryl: babe do you see this shit??

nopeaz: i see it all right

hbicheryl: im so glad that we arent like that

nopeaz: me too :)

hbicheryl: i love you toni

nopeaz: i love you too cher

veroffica: awww, that was adorable.

veroffica: but also: what will it take to convince all of you that betty and i are telling the truth??

goingtoheller: nothing, ever. you are both so clearly whipped it isn't even funny.

jugheadalones: like cheryl and toni levels of whipped

hbicheryl: except you two arent even dating!!

nopeaz: the same goes for sweets and fangs too

hisshissmotherfucker: whatever

spillthefogarTEA: ^^^

wannabett: ^^^

veroffica: ^^^

jugheadalones: why do i even try anymore

2:29 PM

gays united

hbicheryl: well its time to go into the hellish pit the school calls detention

wannabett: i wonder if theyll make us do manual labor

spillthefogarTEA: sweet pea practically lived in detention at southside high, ask him

hisshissmotherfucker: thats true

hisshissmotherfucker: and yes sometimes they do make you do some janitorial work around the school

hbicheryl: oh my fucking god im going to die

jugheadalones: stop being so extra cheryl

goingtoheller: no never stop being extra cheryl it is the best part of this chat

hbicheryl: for your information hobo i will never ever stop being dramatic and if you say that again i will fight you

hbicheryl: and dont worry keller i wont change

nopeaz: thats my girl!!

hisshissmotherfucker: as i was saying

hisshissmotherfucker: youll probably just sit in a room and do your homework

hbicheryl: thats even worse

2:34 PM

gays united

hbicheryl: THEY WANT TO TAKE OUR PHONES

hbicheryl: WHY DIDNT YOU TELL US ABOUT THIS SWEET PEA

hisshissmotherfucker: i thought it would be a nice surprise

nopeaz: screw you

hbicheryl: IF I NEVER GET OUT OF HERE TELL MY MOTHER THAT SHES AN AWFUL BITCH AND THAT I HATE HER

veroffica: sure thing, blossom.

3:00 PM

gays united

hbicheryl: MY PHONE IS BACK I LOVE IT SO MUCH THIS SCHOOL IS SHIT AND DETENTION FUCKING SUCKS

goingtoheller: that's a lot of moods.

jugheadalones: ^^

veroffica: "that's a lot of moods" is just cheryl's personality in a nutshell.

wannabett: tru

hisshissmotherfucker: tru

nopeaz: tru

hbicheryl: tru

Notes: Writing choni's sexts was the best part of this chapter, honestly. Also, I noticed that I refer to Cheryl and Toni as 'choni' an awful lot, which probably has direct correlation to my laziness. I know that this chapter has a lot less to do with the overlying plot, and that's because I'm trying something different. Tell me if you like it this way or if you want me to go back to more plot-heavy chapters.

All 4 High School AU's

Stoner Lachlan: 

-Lives in his parents basement, because he wanted more privacy. -He smokes a lot and drinks a lot, but the idea of heavy drugs completely horrifies him. -Definitely has ‘parties’ (it’s just him and his buddies) where everyone gets high when his parents are out of town.

-Will not hesitate to do anything for his girl, she wants it, then she has it.

-Memorizes almost everything he finds out about her because he’s just that sweet.

-Super anxious about being in a relationship, because his only ex fucked him up REALLY bad.

-Always wants to hang out at home because it means you guys can do basically anything.

-He likes to think you guys will do the whole marriage thing one day, and if he gets his act together, maybe have kids.

Reader:

-Met Lachlan while trying to buy weed from him.

-She lives with her parents who are kind of helicopters, they’re not really fans of Lachlan but accept him because he makes her happy. -Wishes she could just run away sometimes, her parents fight a lot (dad cheated).

-Doesn’t know how she feels about love and struggles to believe Lachlan really wants forever with her.

-Always wants to hang out at Lachlan’s house and not her’s, because well, his parents love her and they’re super supportive (and let her stay the night)

-Wasn’t really in any big relationships before Lachlan, just a few short flings. -Hasn’t taken a love of pot the way Lachlan has, but definitely smokes when she’s with him from time to time.

What they do together, their songs, and some prompts that I think fit them:

-They usually just hang around in Lachlan’s basement smoking, drinking, or doing nothing. -She likes to watch him play video games, because it’s sort of an escape.

-Driving around (bonus feature: he has a stickshift car so his hand brushes her thighs when he drives)

-They like to go to parks and just walk around, it’s like a reminder the world’s still going on even if the moment might be rough.

Some songs for them: Fucked Up by Young Rising Sons, I Think I’m in Love by Kat Dahlia, and Weak When Ur Around by blackbear. Prompts for them: “You make me feel so damn gushy.” “I’m not gonna stop leaving marks ‘til I’m sure everyone will know you’re mine.”

“This is the strongest eggnog I’ve ever tasted.”

“You’ve been quiet lately.”

“You’ve shown me what love can feel like.”

“I wasn’t lying when I said that I loved you.”

Football Lachlan:

-Totally one of the jockiest men EVER.

-He only parties when the team wins a big game and he only ever drinks.

-When he does drink, he drunk texts A LOT.

-He loves seeing you at every single game because he swears you’re his good luck charm.

-VERY insecure with the relationship because you’re literally the best women in existence.

-He cares a lot about school and is hoping to get recruited by a college through football.

-Big ole softie for the reader.

-Makes sure to make time for you since both of you have a hectic schedule, though luckily both of you have your games together (Football and Cheerleading).

-Found you after a break-up with the quarterback, but everything’s okay after a few tense weeks of your relationship.

-His parents don’t really know how to feel about you because you seem too good to be true, but everyone at school loves you because you make the power couple.

Reader: -She’s cheerleading captain.

-Hates when people refer to her as ‘Lachlan’s girl’ because she feels like it’s viewing her as property rather than a person.

-Wishes she could convince Lachlan she loves his dorkiness so much, nobody else can compare to her hunk.

-Very supportive of everything Lachlan does and will not hesitate to be his designated driver if he needs her to be.

-Has snuck him into her bedroom on multiple occasions because her parents love him, but would kill her if they saw him in their house after 10pm.

-She’s on birth control and she makes Lachlan use a condom sometimes but they’ve had at least two pregnancy scares and she’s truly hoping to get better about this.

-Since she’s in good standings with the football coach, sometimes she sneaks onto their bus to motivate Lachlan pregame/ comfort him postgame.

What they do together, their songs, and some prompts that I think fit them:

-They go out to eat, a lot. Always celebrating with food.

-Make each other little playlists whenever they want to express how they feel.

-Hang out at one of the other player’s house for ‘team bonding’ (eating food and playing video games essentially while being dicks to each other)

-He loves driving her around but only if they’ve got somewhere to be.

-Try to bake sometimes but it never goes too well.

Some songs for them: Overwhelming by Jon Bellion, If I’m Lucky by State Champs, and All of Me by John Legend.

Prompts for them: “You’re so whipped.”

“You make me so happy.”

“I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.”

“They didn’t deserve you.”

“Lemme warm you up.” *Kissing in the snow*

“Would it be too cliche if we matched clothes a little?”

Fuckboy Lachlan:

-Honestly a party animal.

-Doesn’t give a shit about love and moreso just about having sex.

-His friends are all the same as him for the most part.

-He juuls and has no shame in the pods hidden around his room.

-Once you two are together, he makes sure to always have an offbrand watermelon pod on him, because he remembered it was your favorite.

-Also once you get together he literally changes his phone number because he doesn’t want his old girls to be trying to contact him.

-Definitely has some jealousy issues because he’s fucked over a bunch of girls, so he feels like karma will have you fuck him over.

-Hates his past decisions as soon as you walk into his life.

Reader:

-Doesn’t really care for juuling but sometimes if she’s trynna get Lachlan going she’ll take his juul.

-Has a really tightnit group of friends that almost all hate Lachlan bc of his reputation.

-Sometimes she has to defend her man to her friends.

-Definitely fights with Lachlan a good amount considering sometimes he unknowingly flirts with someone or he gets upset with her over something like a rumor/working with another guy on a school project.

-Forces Lachlan to do things she wants to do and he only follows through because he’s utterly whipped for her (and sometimes it leads to sexual favors).

-Always around Lachlan when she’s on her period because Lachlan’s warmth gets rid of her cramps.

-Needs constant reassurance that Lachlan isn’t gonna cheat on her.

What they do together, their songs, and some prompts that I think fit them:

-They watch (Y/N)’s tv shows at her house while cuddling because though Lachlan would never admit it, he doesn’t completely hate them.

-Make out a lot, it started as a friends with benefits thing and their relationship kind of has the same fundamentals except Lachlan doesn’t talk to other girls anymore.

-Go to sports games to make fun of the jock stereotypes.

-Lachlan and her have been on and off a lot, like it’s stupid and everyone knows they’ll get back together, but it happens.

-They go to the skatepark a lot because for some reason Lachlan’s friends hang there.

-Sometimes they go to the mall because Lachlan loves watching her try things on and he even lets her pick some things out for him.

Some songs for them:  Heaven’s Gate by Fall Out Boy, Ooh by Jon Bellion, and Cop Car by Sam Smith.

Prompts for them:

“Do you know that was the first time you ever told me you love me?”

“You deserve the best and that isn’t me.”

“So….. you wanna….hot chocolate and chill?” “If you ask me that one more time, I will dump hot chocolate on you.”

“So, are you guys dating or?”

“All the stores were sold out of condoms…”

“You mean this as a sex only thing, right? I don’t do relationships.”

Hockey Lachlan:

-Very obsessed with the sport and takes every play of every game seriously.

-Definitely gets possessive over you, especially at away games because he’s certain some other player is bound to hit on you at some point.

-Very open about his feelings, he’d rather talk about how he feels than deal with the silent treatment.

-Promised himself he’d never put a girl above hockey, but you’ve come damn near close to it (he convinces himself you’re at equal level, but deep down if it came down to it, he’d pick you).

-He realizes he’s in love with you when you skip one of his games during a fight and he finds himself heartbroken over it.

-Immediately after he goes to your house to bed for forgiveness.

-For some reason, his mom does not like you and it really upsets him because he just wants to spend a lot of time with you without having to fight his mom on it.

Reader:

-Hesitant to date Lachlan because you’re worried he doesn’t have time for a relationship, and you aren’t really a hockey fan.

-But you end up becoming obsessed with watching him play, though you may not know every rule by heart like some of the other fans.

-You wear his Jersey around all the time, whether it be to games or just around school, you love how it engulfs you.

-You’re never seen without this golden bracelet that has one single diamond heart on it, Lachlan got it for you for your one year anniversary.

-You keep cologne and men’s deodorant in your backpack because sometimes after a game or practice he just wants to go to your house/ his house before showering, so you make him put it on before letting him in your car.

-You get kind of bummed out whenever his games are away and you’re unable to make it, but you make sure to spam him your support through snaps of you with his jersey on.

What they do together, their songs, and some prompts that I think fit them:

-They gossip SO much. Not because of just (Y/N), Lachlan totally talks shit about some of his teammates.

-Go on coffee dates, and Lachlan sometimes brings her coffee to school because he knows how much she loves it.

-Since Lachlan always tries to be spontaneous, they do things like go to the aquarium or zoo, or even just go into the city to shop around for awhile (He always gets stuck carrying her bags).

-If either of their parents are out of town, they kind of just splurge in the amount of time they can spend together, overly excited about getting to cuddle all night long.

-Obviously they go to the hockey games together whenever (Y/N) can make it.

Some songs for them: Satellite by Mayday Parade, The Last of The Real Ones by Fall Out Boy, and Tear in My Heart by Twenty One Pilots.

Prompts for them: “Someday we will be able to go to bed together every night.”

“Why don’t you like ice skating?”

“Sorry for calling so late - I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“You’re my other half.”

“Cuddle?”

“Kiss the hell out of me. Please.”

Last Call Before Rehab

The walls of this Michigan sports bar are lined with the jerseys and newspaper headlines of teams well past their primes that haven’t accomplished anything in decades. The usual clientele fit the same description. Blue collar, salt of the earth people, who for the last six hours of their shift building this country, couldn’t think of anything but taking that first sip of the same light beer they fell in love with at 17. The closest thing we get to anything new going on around here is when the General Motors guys bring in a new hire to join them in their after-work ritual. The new guy doesn’t usually come around too much at first, until one day when he realizes there’s nothing else to do in the city of Pontiac but bust your ass for $19,000 a year and call some decrepit sports bar home. Here I go thinking nothing out of the ordinary’s gonna happen today until I see two new faces walk in: a middle-aged woman and a younger looking guy, the former coming to sit at the bar, and the latter slinking off to a booth way by the door. 

She says to me, “Hey pal, how ‘bout a pint of Miller. And hell, one for the guy over there,” gesturing towards the guy she came in with. 

There’s about fifteen things here that strike me as odd, and I let her know right away. “Ok ma’am—”

“Hey I’m not that old.”

“Right. What I was saying—lady—is there’s clearly something fishy going on here. First, I get two newbies in here out of the blue, haven’t had a newbie in weeks, one of ‘em looks like a high schooler, and you’re trying to buy the two of you a round?”

“Uhhh,” she stammers nervously, “we just happened to be on our way in when we both stopped for a cigarette and struck up a conversation. And I’m feeling generous today so I figure why not get the first one on me.”

“Must’ve been some kind of conversation if you’re sitting here and he’s way the hell over there. Plus, from what I can see, he hardly looks of age. I forget, did you say you met him in the parking lot, or at a Chuck E. Cheese?”

“Alright fine, just get me my own damn pint,” she demands.

I still can’t shake the feeling that something ain’t right here. At this point, I can serve her, hoping she becomes a regular, netting me an extra ten to fifteen bucks a night. Or I could be nosy in hopes she gives me a good story to tell when the boys come in later. Hell, the boys would love a good story, and I would too. “Who’s the kid, lady?” I ask her. “You two clearly know each other from somewhere. Was he sitting outside waiting to ask someone to buy him booze? I told those kids once already I ain’t servin’ ‘em.”

She sighs for a moment, and hanging her head, she mutters “He’s my son. 19.” 

“Come on lady, you know I’m not serving a minor.”

“You don’t have to keep calling me lady. Name’s Shelley.”

The name sounds familiar, I’m not sure why at first, but then it clicks. “Hey, I might’ve heard about you. I’ve heard about a blondie that’s a regular over at Dean’s. I think he’s told me about you, you’re supposed to be pretty handy with a pool stick ain’t you?”

“Yep that’s me. Word sure does get around this town doesn’t it?” She’s still staring at her feet for a good ten seconds until she yells out “God dammit!” so loud and unexpected that even her kid perks his head up. 

I can definitely see there’s a story here. I would say this is something you don’t see everyday, but I don’t think that does it justice. This is something you don’t see anyday. The boys are gonna love this one. “Alright Shelley, how ‘bout this. I get you your pint, on me, and you tell me what’s troubling you. You seem to be in a bad way.”

“That’s kind of you, but I always pay my own tab. Don’t need any of the men in this town thinkin’ I owe ‘em something.”

“Have it your way,” I say, pouring her drink. “What’s the issue? How ‘bout we start with why you’re trying to buy beer for your underage son.”

She takes a long, hard exhale out of her nostrils, looking off in the distance, before she replies “I gotta take him into rehab. But I have to get him drunk first.”

I look at her thinking either she’s got dementia, or I gotta get my ears checked. “Shelley, if I heard you correctly, I think it should go without saying that that’s quite possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Your kid that’s not even old enough to drink has to go to rehab, and you decide to take him to a bar?”

“You think that’s dumb, well let me tell you this: most rehab facilites don’t accept patients unless they’re currently drunk or had a recent drinking spell. Even a guy who drinks himself blind 7 days a week can go sober for 4 days, enough to get himself into detox, and the facility won’t take him, even though there’s almost a 100% chance he goes back to his old ways sooner or later.”

“Ok, I’ll admit, that’s kinda crazy, borderline fucked up. But did you think you’d really get away with getting him a drink here? And by the way, you’re gonna need a lot more than a pint to get him drunk.”

“Only reason I didn’t go to Dean’s is ‘cause everyone knows me around there, meaning they know my Joey’s only 19. I thought I’d try here ‘cause I never been.”

“I guess I can see the logic in that, but one beer? Surely that ain’t gonna be enough to get the kid— ”

“I don’t wanna get my own son piss ass drunk,” she announces loud enough that if anyone else were in the bar they probably would’ve done a spit-take. “I don’t wanna see him like that. I was thinking if he could just show he has little bit of something in his system, then they’d take him.”

“Jesus, Shelley, I don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry about all that.”

“Thanks,” she says in a pissed off tone, not pissed at me of course, but at the situation. 

“But I mean, if he’s got a drinking problem you’ve probably seen him drunk before. What’s wrong with seeing it this time if it’s for the sake of getting him helped?”

“That’s the thing. I only just now found out. I’ve only seen him drunk once.”

“C’mon, if he belongs in rehab there’s no way you only—”

“I only. Just. Now. Found out,” she asserts, clearly meaning business.

“Sheesh, alright. But before you cut me off again, let me just make a few educated guesses here, alright? You probably work real hard at some job that doesn’t pay you nearly what you deserve. And after that, you spend the rest of your night at Dean’s, drinking Millers and crushing those guys at pool. So with all that time spent on your own, his dad’s probably not in the picture, is he?

“Deadbeat took off a day after I told him I was pregnant. Sometimes I think the only way he could’ve disappeared that fast was by joining the army and getting shipped off to fight straight away. If that was the case, I like to think karma caught up with him and he got his ass shot on day one.”

“Alright, so no dad. But the kid’s 19 and still living at home? From what I hear, you’re a no nonsense kind of woman. You don’t seem like you’d let a kid stay home after high school without pulling his weight.”

“Right again. He wasn’t anything special in the classroom at the start, but I told him as soon as he’s done with school, diploma or not, he’s gonna have to work if he wants to stay with me. So he finished up school instead of dropping out, and work, he did. He had a steady job since right before graduation, his friend Scott picked him up each morning and they worked at Bass Pro Shop over at the mall. Never had an issue paying his share.”

“Until…”

“Until one day two weeks ago my boss gives everyone a half day, so I head down to the mall to get some new shoes. On my way out I decide to pop in to Bass Pro to say hi to Joey, ‘cause I never got to see him at work on account of us always working at the same times. I don’t find him so I ask the manager if Joey’s on break, that I’m his mother and I’d like say a quick hello, to which he replies that he doesn’t know a single Joey that’s ever worked there.”

“Oh shit. So he was in for it, huh?”

“Big time. So I skip going to Dean’s for the night just to wait for him to come home so I can chew him out and find out where the hell the money was coming from. That’s when he drunkenly stumbles in, surprised to see that I’m home, and through slurred words tries to explain it’s not what it looked like. Poor idiot thought I was upset with him being drunk, he had no idea I knew about the job. So I came up with a good idea. I told him sleep it off, that I wasn’t mad. But the next morning I told him, ‘hey, how ‘bout I take you into work today instead of your buddy.’ He tried to explain that I didn’t have to do that, that Scott would be there any second to pick him up, but I insisted that he get his ass in the car so I can drive him to the mall. Halfway there, his phone is blowing up and, still acting oblivious, I say ‘boy, you seem popular today, who’s texting you.’ He tried to say ‘oh, it’s no one,’ but I snatched the phone out of his hands and saw it was Scott sending texts like ‘HEY MAN WHERE ARE YOU WE JUST GOT THIS BIG BATCH OF DOPE TO SELL!!!’ and ‘DUDE YOU’RE FUCKING UP OUR BUSINESS!!’ and a bunch of crap like that.”

“Wow, so he was selling dope?”

“Yup, selling it to the rich kids in Bloomfield Hills. You know the type, private school kids driving BMWs and Range Rovers, not knowing that $30 for a gram is nowhere close to a good deal. But it turns out Joey was using some of his profits to pay people to buy him alcohol, or he got it in exchange for weed from some rich college grad asshole that went back to live at home off daddy’s money. Apparently he was hitting the bottle pretty hard for a year now, so that’s how we ended up here, at this shitty bar.”

Now, I could take offense to the comment about this being a shitty bar, but she wasn’t wrong because I call the place shitty 20 times a day. “Ok, I see, but if he’s moving enough weed to make rent and drink the rest of the money away, don’t you think maybe he needs more than rehab? Like a scared straight program or something?”

“Oh he’s done with that weed crap for sure. I told him if I even get a whiff of that smell on him, or the slightest scent of alcohol on his breath, his ass is out on the street. And I told his buddy Scott that I’ll shove my foot up his ass if he ever contacts Joey again. I don’t care how old he is, if I have to babysit him for the next five years I’ll do it. Anything to keep him from being anything like that bastard father of his or the other lowlife men in this town.”

“Well, that sounds like some A+ parenting, and a hell of a story. But can I give you a piece of advice? I’m no therapist, but when you’re a bartender in this neck of the woods, you play therapist to about a dozen people a week.”

“Go ahead, lay it on me.”

“If you really wanna help your son, go to a nearby liquor store, leave him in the car, and buy a pint. I’m not talking a pint of beer, I’m talking a pint of hard liquor. And spare the cashier your life story. It’s a good one, well, tragic I mean. But if you wanna help this kid—”

“His name’s Joey,” she interjects. “My son’s name is Joey. I’ve told it to you about a hundred times.”

“If you wanna help Joey, tell him to down that bottle and take him to the nearest rehab facility, if that’s what it takes to get him admitted. And I don’t think you should be spending so much time at Dean’s.”

“Hey I don’t need a lecture from you, you watch people drink their lives away every single day and you probably don’t say shit to ‘em,” she retorts, real hostile. “That being said, I actually am done with the booze. This was real eye opening, it’s like everyone in this city’s got some vice or addiction.”

“Ain’t that the truth, but it’s not just this city, it’s everywhere. Compare me and Joey. Like you said, I make a living watching people slowly kill themselves. He was making a living making sure rich white kids could get stoned in their dad’s mansion. We’re both two guys hustling to make a dollar no matter what, because around here, your main concern is paying the next bill. I know you know what I mean.”

“True.”

“And compare the users. Those rich kids drink and smoke to have a good time and party because they’re spoiled brats whose actions have no consequences. People ‘round here drink and smoke ‘cause their boss is riding them, or they can’t make rent, or once you start taking a good look around, you realize we live in a community of hopelessness and despair.”

“I see what you’re saying, but doesn’t it ever occur to you that we’re in despair because everyone’s got an unhealthy coping mechanism? Think about this: someone gets a DUI, but they can’t afford to have a criminal record, can’t afford court fees, can’t pay bills, and can’t keep a job because they’re spending half of the work week in mandated counseling and court appearances. Half of ‘em feel they have no option but turn to the bottle even though the bottle is what got ‘em there in the first place.”

“As sad as it sounds, those are my best customers.”

“And doesn’t that weigh on you? Actively participating in the death and destruction of your community?”

“Sure it does, but like you said, everyone’s got their own vices and coping mechanisms, and I’m no different. Which leads me back to the subject of Dean’s. I said you shouldn’t go there because I think you should start spending more time here.

“And why in the hell would I do that? I told you I’m done drinking.”

“Because my coping mechanism is about six blunts a day, and the price of weed just went up around here in the last two weeks—now I know why. We all gotta hustle, and I could use the extra cash.”

#5yrsago RIP, Aaron Swartz

  To the extent possible under law,       Cory Doctorow   has waived all copyright and related or neighboring rights to   "RIP, Aaron Swartz."

Update: Go read Lessig: "He was brilliant, and funny. A kid genius. A soul, a conscience, the source of a question I have asked myself a million times: What would Aaron think? That person is gone today, driven to the edge by what a decent society would only call bullying. I get wrong. But I also get proportionality. And if you don’t get both, you don’t deserve to have the power of the United States government behind you."

My friend Aaron Swartz committed suicide yesterday, Jan 11. He was 26. I got woken up with the news about an hour ago. I'm still digesting it -- I suspect I'll be digesting it for a long time -- but I thought it was important to put something public up so that we could talk about it. Aaron was a public guy.

I met Aaron when he was 14 or 15. He was working on XML stuff (he co-wrote the RSS specification when he was 14) and came to San Francisco often, and would stay with Lisa Rein, a friend of mine who was also an XML person and who took care of him and assured his parents he had adult supervision. In so many ways, he was an adult, even then, with a kind of intense, fast intellect that really made me feel like he was part and parcel of the Internet society, like he belonged in the place where your thoughts are what matter, and not who you are or how old you are.  

But he was also unmistakably a kid then, too. He would only eat white food. We'd go to a Chinese restaurant and he'd order steamed rice. I suggested that he might be a supertaster and told him how to check it out, and he did, and decided that he was. We had a good talk about the stomach problems he faced and about how he would need to be careful because supertasters have a tendency to avoid "bitter" vegetables and end up deficient in fibre and vitamins. He immediately researched the hell out of the subject, figured out a strategy for eating better, and sorted it. The next time I saw him (in Chicago, where he lived -- he took the El a long way from the suburbs to sit down and chat with me about distributed hash caching), he had a whole program in place.

I introduced him to Larry Lessig, and he was active in the original Creative Commons technical team, and became very involved in technology-freedom issues. Aaron had powerful, deeply felt ideals, but he was also always an impressionable young man, someone who often found himself moved by new passions. He always seemed somehow in search of mentors, and none of those mentors ever seemed to match the impossible standards he held them (and himself) to.

This was cause for real pain and distress for Aaron, and it was the root of his really unfortunate pattern of making high-profile, public denunciations of his friends and mentors. And it's a testament to Aaron's intellect, heart, and friendship that he was always forgiven for this. Many of us "grown ups" in Aaron's life have, over the years, sat down to talk about this, and about our protective feelings for him, and to check in with one another and make sure that no one was too stung by Aaron's disappointment in us. I think we all knew that, whatever the disappointment that Aaron expressed about us, it also reflected a disappointment in himself and the world.  

Aaron accomplished some incredible things in his life. He was one of the early builders of Reddit (someone always turns up to point out that he was technically not a co-founder, but he was close enough as makes no damn), got bought by Wired/Conde Nast, engineered his own dismissal and got cashed out, and then became a full-time, uncompromising, reckless and delightful shit-disturber.

The post-Reddit era in Aaron's life was really his coming of age. His stunts were breathtaking. At one point, he singlehandedly liberated 20 percent of US law. PACER, the system that gives Americans access to their own (public domain) case-law, charged a fee for each such access. After activists built RECAP (which allowed its users to put any caselaw they paid for into a free/public repository), Aaron spent a small fortune fetching a titanic amount of data and putting it into the public domain. The feds hated this. They smeared him, the FBI investigated him, and for a while, it looked like he'd be on the pointy end of some bad legal stuff, but he escaped it all, and emerged triumphant.

He also founded a group called DemandProgress, which used his technological savvy, money and passion to leverage victories in huge public policy fights. DemandProgress's work was one of the decisive factors in last year's victory over SOPA/PIPA, and that was only the start of his ambition.  

I wrote to Aaron for help with Homeland, the sequel to Little Brother to get his ideas on a next-generation electioneering tool that could be used by committed, passionate candidates who didn't want to end up beholden to monied interests and power-brokers. Here's what he wrote back:  

  First he decides to take over the whole California Senate, so he can do things at scale. He finds a friend in each Senate district to run and plugs them into a web app he's made for managing their campaigns. It has a database of all the local reporters, so there's lots of local coverage for each of their campaign announcements.

Then it's just a vote-finding machine. First it goes through your contacts list (via Facebook, twitter, IM, email, etc.) and lets you go down the list and try to recruit everyone to be a supporter. Every supporter is then asked to do the same thing with their contacts list. Once it's done people you know, it has you go after local activists who are likely to be supportive. Once all those people are recruited, it does donors (grabbing the local campaign donor records). And then it moves on to voters and people you could register to vote. All the while, it's doing massive A/B testing to optimize talking points for all these things. So as more calls are made and more supporters are recruited, it just keeps getting better and better at figuring out what will persuade people to volunteer. Plus the whole thing is built into a larger game/karma/points thing that makes it utterly addictive, with you always trying to stay one step ahead of your friends.

Meanwhile GIS software that knows where every voter is is calculating the optimal places to hold events around the district. The press database is blasting them out -- and the press is coming, because they're actually fun. Instead of sober speeches about random words, they're much more like standup or the Daily Show -- full of great, witty soundbites that work perfectly in an evening newscast or a newspaper story. And because they're so entertaining and always a little different, they bring quite a following; they become events. And a big part of all of them getting the people there to pull out their smartphones and actually do some recruiting in the app, getting more people hooked on the game.

He doesn't talk like a politician -- he knows you're sick of politicians spouting lies and politicians complaining about politicians spouting lies and the whole damn thing. He admits up front you don't trust a word he says -- and you shouldn't! But here's the difference: he's not in the pocket of the big corporations. And you know how you can tell? Because each week he brings out a new whistleblower to tell a story about how a big corporation has mistreated its workers or the environment or its customers -- just the kind of thing the current corruption in Sacramento is trying to cover up and that only he is going to fix.

(Obviously shades of Sinclair here...)

also you have to read http://books.theinfo.org/go/B005HE8ED4

For his TV ads, his volunteer base all take a stab at making an ad for him and the program automatically A/B tests them by asking people in the district to review a new TV show. The ads are then inserted into the commercial breaks and at the end of the show, when you ask the user how they liked it, you also sneak in some political questions. Web ads are tested by getting people to click on ads for a free personality test and then giving them a personality test with your political ad along the side and asking them some political questions. (Ever see ads for a free personality test? That's what they really are. Everybody turns out to have the personality of a sparkle fish, which is nice and pleasant except when it meets someone it doesn't like, ...)  Since it's random, whichever group scores closest to you on the political questions must be most affected by the ad.  Then they're bought at what research shows to be the optimal time before the election, with careful selection of television show to maximize the appropriate voter demographics based on Nielsen data.

anyway, i could go on, but i should actually take a break and do some of this... hope you're well  

This was so perfect that I basically ran it verbatim in the book. Aaron had an unbeatable combination of political insight, technical skill, and intelligence about people and issues. I think he could have revolutionized American (and worldwide) politics. His legacy may still yet do so.

Somewhere in there, Aaron's recklessness put him right in harm's way. Aaron snuck into MIT and planted a laptop in a utility closet, used it to download a lot of journal articles (many in the public domain), and then snuck in and retrieved it. This sort of thing is pretty par for the course around MIT, and though Aaron wasn't an MIT student, he was a fixture in the Cambridge hacker scene, and associated with Harvard, and generally part of that gang, and Aaron hadn't done anything with the articles (yet), so it seemed likely that it would just fizzle out.

Instead, they threw the book at him. Even though MIT and JSTOR (the journal publisher) backed down, the prosecution kept on. I heard lots of theories: the feds who'd tried unsuccessfully to nail him for the PACER/RECAP stunt had a serious hate-on for him; the feds were chasing down all the Cambridge hackers who had any connection to Bradley Manning in the hopes of turning one of them, and other, less credible theories. A couple of lawyers close to the case told me that they thought Aaron would go to jail.

This morning, a lot of people are speculating that Aaron killed himself because he was worried about doing time. That might be so. Imprisonment is one of my most visceral terrors, and it's at least credible that fear of losing his liberty, of being subjected to violence (and perhaps sexual violence) in prison, was what drove Aaron to take this step.

But Aaron was also a person who'd had problems with depression for many years. He'd written about the subject publicly, and talked about it with his friends.  

I don't know if it's productive to speculate about that, but here's a thing that I do wonder about this morning, and that I hope you'll think about, too. I don't know for sure whether Aaron understood that any of us, any of his friends, would have taken a call from him at any hour of the day or night. I don't know if he understood that wherever he was, there were people who cared about him, who admired him, who would get on a plane or a bus or on a video-call and talk to him.  

Because whatever problems Aaron was facing, killing himself didn't solve them. Whatever problems Aaron was facing, they will go unsolved forever. If he was lonely, he will never again be embraced by his friends. If he was despairing of the fight, he will never again rally his comrades with brilliant strategies and leadership. If he was sorrowing, he will never again be lifted from it.

Depression strikes so many of us. I've struggled with it, been so low I couldn't see the sky, and found my way back again, though I never thought I would. Talking to people, doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, seeking out a counsellor or a Samaritan -- all of these have a chance of bringing you back from those depths. Where there's life, there's hope. Living people can change things, dead people cannot.  

I'm so sorry for Aaron, and sorry about Aaron. My sincere condolences to his parents, whom I never met, but who loved their brilliant, magnificently weird son and made sure he always had chaperonage when he went abroad on his adventures. My condolences to his friends, especially Quinn and Lisa, and the ones I know and the ones I don't, and to his comrades at DemandProgress. To the world: we have all lost someone today who had more work to do, and who made the world a better place when he did it.

Goodbye, Aaron.

https://boingboing.net/2013/01/12/rip-aaron-swartz.html

Ep. 5: “I only deal with things in my control” - Ben

James Hayden

Tribal went according to plan. Leanne was blindsided 5-3. Now to do damage control with Naj and Aimee. Hopefully we don't have to do this soon. Zack's constant paranoia before tribal is worrisome. 

Maddison

Pedro just blew up my game and I want him gone. 

James Hayden

Within minutes of tribal ending, Jay sends us a message saying that our next immunity challenge will start in a few minutes. What the hell??? I was not expecting that. It turns out to be a game of tag from hell. We instantly lost Sarah and Amy because they have sketchy internet connection at the moment. Although losing the challenge and going to tribal isn't the worst thing for my game, I accidentally goofed and was eliminated after two hours. It's now down to Zack, Ben, and Naj vs 5 (?) of their people. Zack tried to make a deal with them to end this, but no dice. If we do lose, Aimee probably goes home. I don't want to go to tribal again, so I'm once again praying to the Survivor ORG gods for a W.

Ryan

I was doing so well for the first few rounds, but it feels like I'm going on a downward spiral. I'm pretty sure I've still got numbers with Pedro, Amy, John and Maddison, but I'm scaaaaared

Olivia A

I’m very disappointed by the outcome of that challenge. I think if we kept going we definitely would’ve won. We shouldn’t have taken the deal but oh well I guess. I am incredibly exhausted and almost cried when the randomizer showed that they won. I’m going to sleep!!

John B

Well that challenge turned into a major bummer, but hey, hindsight is 20/20 I guess. Now we have to figure out who to vote and if I had to guess it’s gonna be Ryan or Alan. I hope my alliance can get things together. With Alan having the idol we may need to split votes and Idk who we’d split with. Honestly at this point as long as it’s not me I could care less. Xoxo Gossip John 😘

Kalle N

Pedro exposing alliances that I'm not a part of... OOF. Honestly I don't even care who we vote out at this point. I am getting sick of no one on this tribe being able to make a decision or say a name and if i get voted out i will be relieved. I just want this to end

Ryan

feeling very Sandra right now. “Anybody but me”. 

James Hayden

After more than four hours, WE WON THE TAG CHALLENGE FROM HELL!!! We were only down to Zack and Ben, but we won!! The other tribe agreed to do a randomizer and had a 75% chance of winning, but the Survivor ORG gods favored us and we got the W. After the challenge, Jay said to be online after tribal. This leads us to think a swap is happening. I'm just hoping that the odds are in my favor and end up with some variation of the 5. Ideally, the my new tribe would be me, Sarah, Ben, and two people from the other tribe. As long as my new tribe isn't myself with Aimee/Naj and three new people, I should be ok.

Ryan

I’m getting really close to John, I feel like we’re starting to really control some decisions. Maddison is still my #1 though

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2sp7C2PJIE&feature=youtu.be

Zack M

what can i say right now? i'm not happy. we won the immunity challenge but not because we deserved it. i'm so irritated with the majority of my tribe at the moment. again, i understand that real life is going on around us and the majority don't have the luxury of just sitting around on our computers all day. BUT LIKE CAN WE JUST TRY IT ONE NIGHT?! just once. the challenge was tag. endurance. we have to be ready to go every 5 minutes. did i plan on spending my saturday night like this. absolutely not. was i there until the very end? absolutely. we started out with cody, james, najwah, ben, and i. we were immediately down by 2 because sarah and aimee weren't available. after about an hour john from the other tribe and i were chosen to meet to try to reach a deal to end this challenge early. i got nothing from john even through i tried to be cute and mention that he beat me in the flag challenge. whatever. we continue. during this continuation the host left to shave her head. cute haircut, wrong timing. can you imagine jeff being like "brb guys, do this challenge without me because i need a trim real quick." like what? especially during a game where it comes down to SECONDS. like if you can't be there go ahead and tap in someone else. when she returned she asked if anything had happened ... the rules clearly stated that we were NOT ALLOWED to talk in the game chat ... john on the other side said "nope" .... the rest of us said nothing because again, let me repeat for the people in the back, the rules clearly stated that we were NOT ALLOWED to talk in the game chat. if their 6 (minus john) and our 4 at the time understood, why did he not? also, why did he not get punished for it? THEN we decided to make it harder where we were speeding it up a little to try and get through it tonight. again, let me repeat that, all we did was speed it up. from what i understood we had to "tag" someone at the beginning of the minute. we were not able to wait until the last second ... otherwise why would everyone have not been doing that the entire game? it would have obviously been the go to move. grae, from the other tribe, tagged najwah right before the cut off. she was literally typing as the round ended. it was clearly unfair but again overlooked and we were down another player. i know we are human and the host can't be everywhere at once and at the time ben and kalle from the other team were trying to come to some sort of deal to end the game BUT the game should have been the main focus. on top of letting it slide, my multiple comments of how it was unfair were not correctly addressed. in no way was i trying to get an upper hand for our team. it was clear at that moment we were going to lose and as i've mentioned in multiple confessions i would rather be at tribal than not because i don't know what everyone else is doing. i just love rules. i'm very type a. i pay attention to everything. i didn't think it was cool. nothing can change my mind. it wasn't cool. period. but let's take a moment to sit back and lay in that good karma. i'm a firm believer that good things come to those who deserve it and we did because we had two disadvantages happen to us in the game. in the end, we went to some website ... idk ... and did some random shit. their 5 names and our 2 were put in a list. they picked the number 3 so the host hit randomize or something 3 times and i picked the number 4 because that's my god number and BOOM!!!! ben's name was number 4 so we won. WONT HE DO IT. YES HE WILL. believe in him and give thanks because we won. i thought i was on mute but i wasn't and i clapped. the other team probably hates me and like i'm guessing we are going to expand to 3 groups of 5 tomorrow but i don't even care. if i'm going to lose and be voted out i want it to be right. our team did not deserve to be at tribal tomorrow and guess what .. we won't be. i'm praying i end up on a team with the majority of my alliance or at least my tribe but honestly we will probably lose if we do. i just want a team that wins so i can make it to the merge. that's all i'm focused on right now. the rest can come later. in conclusion, i don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. i don't really care. i'm ready to play survivor. ... oh yeah, and leanne went home at tribal tonight but honestly that feels so long ago and i don't really have anything to say about that except i love you leanne and it wasn't personal. the message to the wrong group killed your game. human error. *mic drop*

Najwah

I am honestly shocked by that tribal. There are no words. I KNEW it wouldn't be straightforward. I knew some blindside would go down coz nothing made sense. However, I really didn't expect them to vote out Leanne haha. I thought it would be me for sure. As I told Cody, everyone are such bad actors. There were so many things that didn't add up and they created a group with "A plan" but no one had a plan and everyone was saying the same thing? Also Sarah was way too comfortable. And she supposedly hasn't spoken to anyone? Haha they're terrible liars. Like at least make something better up. And the jewelery box!! WHERE IS THE JEWELERY BOX? Leanne never had it. Someone else is playing really hard. It's defs one of the boys. I bet. I never trusted Ben and James. 

Najwah

I gave my all in that game. It was already 6am when I got eliminated (quite unfairly, might I add) but I could have gone on all night because there was no way I wanted to go to tribal council again. Especially now that I'm on the outs and don't really know who to trust anymore. I don't trust anyone. Cody called me after tribal but idk, I feel very disappointed because I at least thought HE had my back but I understood, I was close with Leanne and I was the one she was messaging in the group. As much as Leanne made a mistake. I made a mistake by replying. I basically dug my own grave by doing that. I bet they would have never known about my alliance with L had I not replied. Jokes on them because she had a fake idol and lmao SOMEONE ELSE STILL HAS THE JEWELRY BOX. Anyway, I think Sarah is going to win this whole thing. I'd love that. I'm backing Sarah all the way. Love how she plays this game. Low key and she has power. I'm Team Sarah Haywood. 

Grae g

Looks like the girl wanna get pedro out while the John+pedro majority are telling people alan. It seems like absolutely everyone on the tribe is following what they say and that’s gotta go. Plus Pedro showing his own alliances to everyone via screenshot last night didn’t help LMFAO

Olivia A

I’m super excited about this vote because it’ll officially set a divide of alliances in this tribe (in which i will be on the majority). I feel bad about blindsiding John with this vote but Pedro posting that screenshot and showing multiple people in my alliance (including myself!) talking to him is something I can’t let be used against us. So he’s gotta go!!

John B

I think tonight’s vote is coming together. I feel bad but I think it’s going to be Alan. My biggest worry at this point is me or someone I’m close with getting idoled out. Hopefully I can talk to Alan and push them to vote for someone who’s not me lol. Honestly voting people out makes me feel super bad, especially since I kind of spearheaded this vote (I don’t think anyone realizes that though) I just hope this plan can go smoothly and we can get rid of the idol all together. ALSO I put 8 wishes on the wishing tree lol, I’m not sure if that does anything, but if it does I’ll be set lol, I probably don’t need those coins anyway 👀👀 Fingers crossed I don’t get blindsided or idoled out y’all! 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

Alan B

Omg this tribal is gonna be intense, from what it sounds like john is trying to take me out by buddying up with everyone, but it seems like everyone else is trying to back me up, hopefully this will go well but im STRESSED

Kalle N

The game just got a whole lot more exciting. I'm playing double agent by convincing John that we're voting off Alan, when in reality we're going for John's closest ally: Pedro. I don't think either of them will see it coming and I'm very excited for tribal.

Aimee

https://media.tumblr.com/6e98e0f1a1116e0d7faf5e9f51b29ab6/fe59555738f2307b-bf/s540x810/955cfcc9683d192965fc7e708613b934de5531fc.gifv Bye Leanne! I know you were selling me down the river to Amy T. Odd thing is, I didn’t even vote for you. I hope we flushed out an idol. I just don’t get how Sarah is playing what seems like a ghost game and is more “in the know” than I am. How many times can people tell me “oh sorry we couldn’t tell you the vote because we thought you were close with ���—“ and expect me to just take that? Why am I not allowed to talk to other people or be close with others but you are? How is it a 5-3 vote but Najwah claims to be left out of the vote. Uh Leanne didn’t vote for herself, and if it was me and Ben that means Najwah voted Leanne. Do they really think I just don’t talk to people and compare notes? I know who everyone is with. I only trust Ben at this point. And if I make it to merge or judge it’s team Ben or Maola. I think there is a small alliance since day 1 that I am not in. I just didn’t even look that hard for an idol today. I was just too distracted by the calm of the flowers. https://jrchair98.tumblr.com/post/184827414479/ゼニガメ-0007-01-11-frames-based-on-gif-from I hope this game gets better for me, because I am just emotionally drained. This is a marathon and I feel like people are lying to me and I’m gonna get backstabbed in a more direct way. Don’t worry fans, I am strong but I needed this camping break to get my head on properly and I am so relieved I won immunity. It’s time to get to work.

Pedro A

OMG THIS ALL TRIBAL IS A MESS

Amy A

Urgh so today is a complete mess! This feels more survivor for me than all the previous tribal councils. The vote has been flipping all day and it can be anyone at any time. I have a new alliance and I think I was able to steer the vote away from Pedro so I stay solid w the outsiders alliance but I know they’ll come for me if they know I’m now in a tight alliance w all the girls and gender non-binary. New alliance is voting for John and I don’t think I made it very obvious I have a sorta alliance w Pedro cos he was the alternate vote. I heard my name somewhere so that freak out is there and a little part of me is scared but all in all I’m a very little confident about tonight 

Amy A

I found an advantage!!!! I get to steal a vote!!! Omg I thought the option I chose was gonna get me a disadvantage for the tribe but I ended up getting an advantage 🥳🥳🥳🥳. I cannot wait to play this strategically to save my behind in a tribal council. I have decided to keep the news to myself for now but I’ll share it with (probably) Maddison soon. I’m really close w her and we have a strong bond. 

Maddison

John just told me that he thinks of me as his number one and I am five hours away from attempting to blindside him. Sorry buddy, you gotta go. Alan B Lol looks like i'm dead in the water tonight if i don't use my idol, i was the only one who didn't help last night bc i didn't understand that it would just end before i woke up today ... HoLy ShIt 6 ppl are saying they're gonna blindside Pedro to keep me alive :O If pedro votes for me ima flip my shit ... Gosh i have no idea if i should use my idol tonight, because it sounds like the tribe is fighting about whether or not i should be allowed to stay. If i can make it past tonight without my idol, it could get me even farther, but i might not last longer than tonight if i don't ... i'd really rather vote john out then pedro, but it might be safer in the long run to eliminate the person that knows i have an idol...maybe i can get pedro to switch his vote to redeem himself and keep a partner alive for a little longer. Although since he's in a group called "core four" he might have already told them ... The tribe has officially split lmao, looks like we're voting john tonight if i can trust the people who are saying they'll back me up ... Ugh my heart is telling me to try and rebuild my alliance with pedro and try to get him on my side but my brain is telling me his other alliance is clearly stronger so i have to stop trusting him. Either way super sad that pedro betrayed me, apparently he told people about the idol, looks like he'll be next on the chopping block ... even though im in a group with a majority of the tribe i still feel like they're secretly gonna vote me out anyway, that would be a damn good way to get rid of my idol since it sounds like everyone has gotten wind of it. honestly id just be impressed but if things work out for me tonight and i still have my idol i think thats the best shot ive got at getting farther ... im gonna not play my idol tonight and trust the majority of the tribe, if it bites me then so be it, they played their asses off to get rid of me if thats the case, like if they were gonna get rid of me they would have just followed johns plan right? Aimeehttps://media.tumblr.com/6e98e0f1a1116e0d7faf5e9f51b29ab6/fe59555738f2307b-bf/s540x810/955cfcc9683d192965fc7e708613b934de5531fc.gifv Bye Leanne! I know you were selling me down the river to Amy T. Odd thing is, I didn’t even vote for you. I hope we flushed out an idol. I just don’t get how Sarah is playing what seems like a ghost game and is more “in the know” than I am. How many times can people tell me “oh sorry we couldn’t tell you the vote because we thought you were close with ——“ and expect me to just take that? Why am I not allowed to talk to other people or be close with others but you are? How is it a 5-3 vote but Najwah claims to be left out of the vote. Uh Leanne didn’t vote for herself, and if it was me and Ben that means Najwah voted Leanne. Do they really think I just don’t talk to people and compare notes? I know who everyone is with. I only trust Ben at this point. And if I make it to merge or judge it’s team Ben or Maola. I think there is a small alliance since day 1 that I am not in. I just didn’t even look that hard for an idol today. I was just too distracted by the calm of the flowers. https://jrchair98.tumblr.com/post/184827414479/ゼニガメ-0007-01-11-frames-based-on-gif-from I hope this game gets better for me, because I am just emotionally drained. This is a marathon and I feel like people are lying to me and I’m gonna get backstabbed in a more direct way. Don’t worry fans, I am strong but I needed this camping break to get my head on properly and I am so relieved I won immunity. It’s time to get to work.

Maddison

Tonight’s vote will draw a line in the sand for the tribe, and hopefully solidify a majority alliance. I do wish Pedro was going home, but I’m not going to push hard for it this early. As long as someone not in my alliance gets their torch snuffed, I’m happy.

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EDaQS-hPPQ&feature=youtu.be

Sarah

I wish I was better at confessionals and didn’t always leave a brick. That will be my goal for the week. OKAY. So tribal went as planned last night with our strong group of 5 (Jess) voting out Leanne. I trusted my group and I‘m glad I didn’t need to play my idol last night (and I love that it’s still a secret except for Cody knowing about it). After tribal, people thought Leanne may have had the idol and that now it was back in the hunt. Turns out, Leanne DID have a fake idol, whatever that means. Moving into a tribe swap, I do feel pretty good about going into one with most people on our tribe. I feel good about anyone in our group of five. I do worry though that with how spontaneous Zack is he may want to make a big move and flip on our tribe. Apparently Naj thinks I am a threat and thinks I will win so I do have to watch out for her but I do genuinely want to work with her. She doesn’t seem to know about Cody and I but she did expose her and Cody’s connection (which I obviously knew about) so she is quick to expose people! I am not as close with Aimee so she may flip too but thank god I have the idol just in case I get in a unpredictable tribe swap situation. So excited to get to know more people and I feel like this game has kicked it up a notch. Ready for a tribe swap! And hoping there are some cracks in the other tribe. 

John B

I’m terrified it’s going to be me tonight. Alan caught wind of the plan I think and told Pedro they were going to play their idol. Now we are splitting the vote so Pedro and I will vote Ryan and everyone else is voting Alan. I really hope people aren’t lying to me, if they are it’s definitely going to be me tonight and I’m going to cry. I’m literally so stressed.

Aimee

Uh, oops. So I got a little too drunk in the woods this weekend to even read these messages properly. Ben voted Leanne last minute and couldn’t tell me in time because I didn’t have phone service. Najwah I’m sorry I doubted you for even a second.

Ben Kessler

Hello it's me Ben. I am very scared about a swap but I know if I get put with my own people, I got this. Hopefully I don't get swap screwed, Aimee trusts me, and I can work my magic with the other tribe. Swaps are out of my control and I only deal with things in my control. Unless there's no swap? Who knows

James Hayden

30 minutes before we need to be online for something game related, Jay tells us to pick a leader. Zack volunteers instantly which is fine with me. It keeps the target of my back and puts a bigger target on his. I think this is a school yard pick for new tribes and hopefully he can keep us #jessstrong #JESSPRESERVATION

Ryan L

essgo babyyyyy hopefully not getting kicked out

Episode 14 (Finale) | “All of this and more, but only in Autumn's World” - Autumn

So I figured out that Amir does have the idol and Jakey originally had it that round... damn I wish I looked a little more but I just didn't think Jakey had it. So that probably means that Autumn is going this round, and then I just need to find a way to win this next challenge over Amir. I know Kendall and I will vote together next round regardless, so worst case scenario next round for me is that I am in some kind of fire-making challenge, but I at least see there being a good chance that me and Kendall could be sitting in FTC together, and I'm just hoping at this point that it's Augusto sitting there with us. P.S. In the event that I make FTC... I really hope I'm not seen as a goat. Like, I don't think I am, but I'm not sure how much respect I'll get for my game. I'm hoping people see how savvy I had to be to continuously work my way back up after a couple blindsides and being pushed to the bottom, but you never know with this jury / cast. P.P.S. Please no pressure cooker next round. I'm not ready to have to beat Amir THAT way.

So I'll count that as half of a success. I was at least able to help convince Amir to play the idol he told me about to flush that, and with Autumn safe, the next option was to do Adam. Knowing that if Autumn did have the merge idol, she probably wasn't playing it on Adam, this was the next best option. I need Kendall and Augusto around because those are the two I'd like to bring to FTC if I can make it there. It makes sense to take them to the end as our games are all very similar, so at least we aren't against a winner at the end. Part of me thinks that bringing Amir may not be the worst thing in the world given he has screwed over a decent bit of that jury, but also, I'd rather not take that risk.

So now that that's done and I'm cute and immune, I can confirm it all. Yes I do have the merge idol, yes I've had it since Final 7 but planned not to play it until Final 5, and yes that makes me the most powerful person here. Deadass everyone wants my head on a stick and I don't give a single fuck. I'm chilling all weekend, letting them think they're doing something if/when I lose win immunity, and then I'm sending a man out on one vote Monday night. You think they hate me now? Wait til they find out they can't take a shot at me until Final 4 lmaaaaoo. Be blessed! 

So Amir blames me for playing his idol... I think that's a win for me then, right?

I'm so glad I was able to take this challenge win! I needed to win this to guarantee I wasn't some kind of contingency plan. But now, it's about how can I guarantee a winner goes home. I've already kind of told Autumn she was in trouble (literally 0 point in lying to her about it) and have explained to both Kendall and Augusto that we should find a way to split the votes / guarantee that Autumn and Amir have no shot of working with one another and sending home one of the two people I want with me at FTC. I feel so close, yet so far away from the title of Sole Tumblr Survivor. I want this win so badly. I can't describe how much I want this win. I didn't come back just to have fun; I didn't come back just for maybe an ounce of redemption from Guyana, I came to win this mother-effer. I have at least a 25% shot at the moment, but I want to increase that number. 

Final 5... it's so insane honestly because I never expected this of myself but I've played my ASS off (literally, that's why I'm flatter than a table top) especially these past few rounds. I'm kinda shocked that the clear targets are Autumn/Amir/TJ just given I have been a force in the game (subtly ofc) so its def a gag... but yeah. TJ winning the immunity was WORST case scenario because I wanted to come for that man's neck SO bad but we'll just have to get him next time. Amir having the merge idol isn't a SHOCK but it was interesting to say the least like rip telling me that but both his idol plays are gonna be kinda useless which helps my case! I know that Autumn said me and Kendall have been up Amir's ass but first of all... i'm a bottom so I would never BUT also I feel I've held my own this entire game so it isn't my truth in the slightest but I'll just have to prove her, TJ, and the jurors wrong if I got to. I've gone from flop (16th in Bhutan, 17th in Great Lakes, 12th in Socotra) to the top (6th in Flops, 2nd in Seychelles) but I am trying to WIN and wear my deserved crown, it's time I won something yknow. 

Amir and I when my plan worked and NEITHER of us walked into jury yet again https://twitter.com/abridrakegraham/status/1222552252357005313 The kids HURTIN yall and I will 100% respect their privacy at this time. Like they really thought!!! They really thought they finally killed me and were probably singing ding dong the witch is dead all day and now look at em. They done lost the boy they all wanted to go to the end with, got severely played by me, AND still gotta see my face everyday. Someone check on Jordan Pines I wanna make sure he's not still holding his breath waiting for my demise. And I've teamed up with his other least favorite person? HOES MAD. But it's not just him- Kendall ready to fight Amir in PM's, TJ in his feelings on call during tribal, Augusto couldn't even find the words he was that shocked. It's all so glorious and I truly fucking love wrecking everyone's games. Amir was like I've never felt these emotions before/ this is one of the wildest moves I've ever been apart of and tbh I agree with Amir. This was batshit crazy but you know what the gag is? This is literally just another day in the mind of Autumn Hill Jury mad, the mayos mad, Augusto mad, and I'm literally on top on the world right now. Like I love Augusto yes but that move was the definition of powerful. Like it's not just playing an idol correctly. It's the fact that Amir came to me begging that I forgive him and that we work together again, I then agreed and admitted to having the idol to A WHOLE ASS WINNER, convinced Amir to tell the kids he had the idol, got everyone to feel super comfortable around me all night and day cause I knew "I was going," snapped in the tribe chat at 2:00 because I "just wanted people to be honest about voting me," got the kids to essentially then tell on themselves since they listed all the reasons why they were voting me, and then idoled out their king using his once closest ally. Liiiikkkee?? STIFF WHERE?? DEAD WHERE??? Bitch I'm playing to win ok I hope yall enjoying this master class I've put on cause I'm hanging it up after this. Unless yall get serious about having a TS version of Winners at War, then call me. But otherwise, yes I'm going ham because I have every intention of walking into the 2 time winners chat. I WANT TO ASCEND!!! So PSA: if my funeral is public knowledge, that means I ain't dying hahaha. Apparently everyone has nicknames for me and that might actually be my favorite part. Jakey calling the game Autumn's World all merge to the boys and TJ only referring to me as the Godmother?? iconic! You know I'd hate me too if I wasn't me, which is why I'm flattered by it all. They know damn well they're almost out of time to get rid of me and they've spent the entire fucking game hoping and wishing and praying and still can't pull it off. And them not targeting me out the gate like Jordan wanted has gotten soooo many people killed. But most importantly I have successfully played an idol now TWICE at Final 5.. And I sure did win back to back immunities at Final 4 and Final 3 in Crossroads so finding out this season has a final 2? Perfect let me dust off the blueprint real quick

 https://twitter.com/rcgersnatalia/status/1168071613763342336

okay im going to work my ass of to win this but autumn and tj have both claimed they can do this really well, so like basically, tj cannot win immunity, i need to win or i may be absolutely screwed https://66.media.tumblr.com/583667e85060a36a2cccb8551baa27d5/tumblr_inline_oh5slaYgdO1tr4u58_500.jpg but as of rn, i was going no matter what if i didnt win immunity, i tried to make a story to autumn and we called for like 3 hours and i did my damnest to sell that tj is the problem with everything that happened last round and that i was down to vote augusto for real until tj really sold the plan out to augusto and i didnt want to go to rocks, but i played the idol out of fear that augusto-kendall-tj would 3-2-1 me so she believed there is a true rift in the beauties right now and has more of a reason to hate tj she is so fucking smart so she may have sussed it out and went along with it, but im hoping it worked??? idek but she said if she wins immunity she'll idol me she did admit she has the idol to me but maybe because she knew i already knew

I just... do I even have words anymore? Like, time and time again, I'm getting screwed over and I just... it's a good underdog story now. I just have to win this next challenge. I guess regardless I had to win this next challenge, but also, I was really hoping to not have to have as much concern as I do right now.

What was that?? oh cause I thought the yts who can't successfully kill me had said something https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Wux4HnZRY0 Another day, another body bag. THEY WERE SO SURE THEY HAD ME AHHHH I really have to laugh. Kendall was certain this was my funeral and I'm like nah baby it's yours. I'm still screaming that TJ would keep immunity for himself and let Kendall go to firemaking where she would 100% lose that's wild. Only for me to find out after that sis really was THE RAT??? Y'all set her up lmaaaooo. Now I really don't feel bad cause she ran from her karma long enough and if Amir had told me that shit before firemaking I really would've smoked her in the comp. Kendall had no business snitching to Jordan about an airtight unanimous vote and blowing up all her allies' games just to do right by an egom aniac. Then Jordan still died and she falls in love with his bestie boo TJ (he's playing you sis!!) who sensed she could die this round but didn't give a single fuck?? Absolute mess. She really got Devon, TJ, Amir, and Augusto to lie about it the whole game and they agreed because they knew if I ever find out the truth, I'd kill her on sight. Bitch I killed her anyway!!! So was it even worth it? Cause she still walked into jury but she got a better placement and a noble death, which miss Devon and Augusto cannot say. Too busy being lying https://media3.giphy.com/media/6DMfLQEhixGdW/source.gif I feel so affirmed though- every person who has come for me is either sitting in jury or is about to walk in. That's power- that's RANGE! Also I just wanna say to Devon while I'm here:  you really gave me all that grief for considering you could be the rat when you, Amir, and Augusto were in on it and protecting Kendall the whole time??? Fuck outta here. Like whose fault is it really that you died Devon? I wanna know. You mad at me and Amir when you need to be mad at yourself for picking the wrong girl, which is on brand for straight white men but y'all not ready to have that conversation. Anyway! Kendall trying to undermine me the ENTIRE merge and using all these men to do it only to still get killed by me in the end?? Fucking love that shit. All of this and more, but only in Autumn's World

https://66.media.tumblr.com/143402720bb2766ebe14eb1d657e2ca6/tumblr_inline_o8662rxDt11tr4u58_250.gifv

Me before the challenge https://peopletalk.ru/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/tumblr_n49eidw5Zk1rsrbdko1_500.gif 

Me after I went beast mode and embarrassed the men https://twitter.com/intoragnarok/status/1233477557565173762

I'm screaming at Amir asking me after if kept him strategically or out of loyalty and I'm like sis what do you think. I was not about to let the white knights get their way and give TJ the win all because he's a good car salesman. Like y'all should've seen that 1 hr plus discussion of TJ and Amir going back and forth on camera about who I have a better chance of beating and I'm just sitting there IMMUNE taking notes, knowing neither of them wanted this. The power that that has, the intelligence that that has, the clearance that that has, the access that that has. Amir and TJ planning to kill me and then being thwarted once again is arguably my two favorite storylines. TJ wanted to do this the ENTIRE MERGE and I never let him succeed. And Amir wanted to be the one to say he killed me cause he's Mr. Smith when I'm Mrs. Smith and my ass spared him and helped him several times. Now look at em, getting third and second. I made a joke at Final 5 that Amir and I are the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith and it's so true. I adore him as a person and I know he loves me too but we're not above killing each other. Hell we genuinely want to kill each other but time and time again we chose to kill everyone else instead lmao. 

So please enjoy this visual walkthrough of our wild ass partnership

(when we met at merge) https://i.pinimg.com/originals/3f/48/5e/3f485e53a56fb43c62c22c0790e8afd7.gif 

 (when we voted together at Final 11 and Final 10) https://media1.giphy.com/media/l3Ucho9gtq4b7SLok/source.gif 

 (when I caught Amir in a lie and killed Devon as retaliation but still wanted to work with Amir) https://media0.giphy.com/media/l3UcotueAJQAW0zjW/source.gif 

(when Amir killed Ali and Adam to piss me off) https://66.media.tumblr.com/eebc1dc0a509a652ea543aba82bcb1c5/tumblr_ojjk22iVXM1uhcmrao1_250.gifv 

(when Amir tried to get back in my good graces at Final 5) https://66.media.tumblr.com/3b157a36601820370897ace6673af493/tumblr_n17egq7Hdq1r7fawxo4_r3_250.gifv 

(when I agreed to the winners pact and got him to kill Augusto and Kendall with me) https://thumbs.gfycat.com/DefiniteVapidDogwoodtwigborer-size_restricted.gif 

 (when he kept trying me at Final 4 and Final 3/ saying he'd kill me) https://i.gifer.com/3lie.gif 

(when I snapped and took Amir to Final 2, like I said I would, and we both knew he'd lose beside me) https://66.media.tumblr.com/d1f3506fc873a7d2393d705a7f58065d/tumblr_mgooqovRHw1qkdoj2o1_500.gif

mood after everything that's happened and me making FTC again- we out here. Coming out of retirement has been good to me https://twitter.com/emrific/status/1235072497055227907

(final 4) oh dear me this one is a tuffyyyy wuffyyy.... okay okay. so its f4, tj thinks im voting with him and kendall to vote autumn. Autumn thinks im voting with her against kendall to make it firemaking. basically, i was originally gonna vote autumn, and i told autumn and she was like fk no so i told her im convinced but i am STILL UNSURE So if I vote kendall: autumn has to win fire making which like statistically i do not see kendall beating autumn, but then tj takes me to final 2 over autumn, and autumn will take me to final 2 over tj, she also threatened to make jury hate me if I cut her now which doesn’t really scare me tbh if I’m next to kendall anyway, but regardless of that threat, me going with tj and autumn gives me a 66% chance of winning this game. If me or Tj win final immunity, I think I win this game. If Autumn wins, then uhhhhggg she will probs take me but like we will thee i just hope she doesnt win final immunity If I vote autumn: me or kendall have to win final immunity, because if tj wins, then I’m getting third place, and kendall would probably take tj as well, so like, yeah i would beat them both at the end but i would be putting myself in a position where i have to win immunity but idk . i think voting kendall is better as i type dis

final 3 oh my gooooodddd, the fact that i am here is so surreal 2 me, and idk idk this immunity is gonna be the deciding factor of my game and im so nervous but also happy and proud of myself however this game turns out. hoyoyoyooyoy

SO MISSS AUTUMN JUST UHHHHHHHH wooped me arse in immunity and me and Tj had to PLEAD for ourlives but she ended up TAKING MEEEEEEEEE so partyyy Honslee tho, while this is gonna make winning 90x times harder, I am pretty happy to be sitting next to Autumn cuz our end game mr. and mrs. smith alliance is highkey iconic af ewnfewkjfnewkjnf like we killed each others allies and somehow have been aligned since early merge and I lied to her and somehow we always came back and protected each other and if i don't win im happy she will <3 but with that said, i gotta take her DOOOWNNN

AUTUMN WINS 8-1

Another day another dollar

What a week I tell ya. Monday kids are off school up we get up for me to clean the pub I work in and me little soldiers come with me.. Spend three hours deep cleaning and then home for a serious housework cause I tell ya my gaff on a Monday morning is always at its worse I think I must be lazier of a weekend and then Monday morning I look around like wtf 😫😭😫😭😫 go work and then have to come back and tackle it like a modern day cunting Cinderella funny thing is Aswell I have two step sisters but it’s alright they ain’t ugly 😂😂 also have a stepmother but it’s alright she ain’t that wicked. Got no fucking glass slippers and I spose I do have my Prince Charming but he’s more Christian grey then fucking prince darling.. Me and kids do some baking and just have a nice afternoon. They I run round like a loon because the other half is working away in the morning in Cornwall so out first valentines together won’t actually be together. So I jump in the bath, shave the pussy not that it’s hairy but you know satin fresh is the way foward valentines deserves more then day old cunt stubble if you get my drift 😏 throw on some dinner little bit of make up cause I look like me father after a heavy night I’m all crazy hair and fuckin mole eyes.. I swear the Irish within me comes out when I’m hanging I look like a little old Irish man who’s had a few too many whiskys and he's lost his fuckin potatoes and his pot of gold.. Go to throw on something sexy ya know make the old effort and me being the cunt I am still carrying this extra half a stone but in reality between you and me I think it’s more like a stone ( fucking cunty life) every bit of fuckin sauce I got is wacked on and I resemble them cunting potatoes the little old Irish man lost. Want to take a knife and chop half me body off but I’ve never been one to self harm so I slip a little black lace negligee thing on still look like fuckin potato in my eyes but at least potatoes draped in lace rather the potatoes trying to fuckin escape like a fuckin refugee in a freezer Lorry. Look around think I need something else. Ahahhaa 💡 man other day in pub gave me roses will rip them little cunts up n sprinkle em all over the joint give it that little hoe life feeling.. Kids are like “ mummmmmmmmm” have to wrap myself in a dressing gown cause I don’t want them knowing there mothers a whore hoping for cupids arrow right in her sweet spot when they finally wander off to that lovely land of slumber.. Try settle them for bed stroke a few heads sing there favourite songs I look into there beautiful little eyes and think damn you been drinking my Dr Pepper because them eyes don’t tell me sleep is coming at any point this fucking February. Kisses cuddles creep back down the stairs and hope for the best realise fml I have no wine because I don't really drink at home, personal life rule having a brother who's an alcoholic ( recovering yay 😊) but you know what I do have fruit salad catcuss jacks and lemonade, Fuck it he’ll think it’s rosé on site 😂😂😂😂 he arrives laden with smiles and presents I got you tubes top twenty love songs playing on the background like some fucking cunt and I think to myself shit son shoulda just threw on a tracky and ordered the cunt a pizza after he asks me if I’ve run him a bath 😤 but it’s ok the presents were very thoughtful and so me so he’s quickly off the hit list and back in the good books, after a lovely two hours a little bicker starts I don’t even know why we’re both to headstrong and God love him I think he likes on occasion a little yes woman.. Well honey boo boo child please You got more chance of me shitting in my own mouth then being a yes girl 🙌🏻 go to bed no fucking cupids arrow for me both huffing waiting for the other to make it up but were selfish cunts and it don’t happen. 5.30 am alarm goes off I’m woken with a hard penis in my side and an I love you and being the cock hungry little shit I am I’m them legs are in the air getting wished a belated Valentine’s Day 😂😂😂😂 That morning I have to cash up at work because there on an anniversary break, well people have you ever dropped a till with 300+ quid innit all over a 6 by 6 office with more shit innit then a fuckin pound shop when bearing in mind 150 of that fucking money is in change.. I’m playing £300 pick up with pennies whilst me kids are running round the gaff high on the Diet Coke I gave em to keep quiet and I don’t give my kids Coke unless it’s a special occasion and me being the cunt I am thought I need them happy and amused I declare this Tuesday morning a special occasion, half hour in ones rolling Bladeing round the place and ones calling my name like a parrot on speed. Text the mother come and save me. She’s hanging out her arsehole fml. I’ll be there in an hour how dare she be so selfish and have a life 😂😂😂🔫 service is resumed at work mother arrives take the kids out get my purse and my mothers raped by the little delights. There happy and smiling and laden with new toys... home more mother duties more house duties and then I spend my Valentine's Day on the sofa in a tracksuit eating chocolate cornflake cakes and contemplating life and adding more crap for the kids in one of my million shopping app baskets 😬 Wednesday follows through myself and the mother unite again and treat ourselves and the children to a chicken George 😍😍😍 and then some how I find myself in tesco Carpark with a jet wash in the rain cleaning her fucking motor whilst her and the little darlings are sat in the car dry and warm pissing emselves and making videos of me #Bastards...work that night someone asks how my valentines went explain he works away most of the time " oh that must be hard" yea I miss him but seriously as a woman when a man is home he fucks up the routine of life ya know.. Housework is done less, chores are done less and because there off they wanna spend time with you and as I've said before I'm not in the shitting in unison stage yet so he's giving it all the whole I love you baby I love you being home and I'm like yea baby I love you too but right now I got the shakes I need to shit and you are in my orbit, GET OUTTTTTT 😂😂😂 I need time my friend time you know this bald pussy you like so much she doesn't get bald on her own ya know I need to have a bath a timely bath, beautify myself and when your here I'm rushing one has to be careful or next thing Ill know the razors slipped and I've lost a fuckin lip in narm mate, narm being the bath and me being the wounded little soilder, I'm telling this tale of my sweet life and there laughing away and I'm like I'm not trying to be funny I love him I love his company but I ain't a glue stick I actually enjoy my own company so when he's fucked off to work for a few days yea it's sad and long distance can be hard but hey at least I can shit in peace. Shave me cunt, wash up in time and walk round in a tracksuit with me hair piled up in leave in conditioner and clean me ear holes without a fuckin audience if you get me drift 😏 so at work last night someone bought me a drink and I thought obviously I’ll say yes, but decided to have a double vodka and that’s where shit creek started, one turned into about ten. And I’m working away, feeling fine me and Micheal ( a fabulous gay man) are winning at life, doing the quiz and I tell ya that man is a little box of knowledge and obviously I’m not too bad 😏 but he is a wise old owl, were also guessing a few answers and literally shitting our fuckin knickers in joy when we find out we are infact correct ! Anyway turns out were joint first and the other team got the closest answer on the deciding question, so we came second, but hey the fuck Ho we got bought a drink from the gracious winners so one cannot complain, fast foward a few hours the pub is empty we sat there waffling shit, Michaels pouring extra vodka in my glass and putting on my tab the fucker 😂😂 finally realise we need to go home. Get outside side hits me think ohh I’m a little tipsy, home and sleep… Well fuck my arse sideways when I opened my eyes this morning to my fuckin boyfriend calling me at 7.43, 7 fucking 43 bitch please, The diva had a sleepover with her nanny and the boys stayed with there dad last night and there all back at lunchtime I ain’t due in work till ten so why the fuck do you call me.. Anyway we get through the morning pleasantries. Say goodbye for now I soilder on with getting ready to work, pretty much trying to polish a shit. Well it ain’t fuckin working Isit son so off I go looking like death. I swear on my fucking life the minute the air hit me it was like a fucking sledge hammer of karma #NotOnASchoolNight 😩, take a un leisurely stroll to work and rush for a shit, go in the disabled and I swear to god it was like a man dressed as a vodka bottle had climbed into my stomach and died and I just shat out his fucking remains, the absolute pungent smell of my arse mixed with my hangover made me come to the quick conclusion that I did infact need to be fucking sick! Well I cant be fucking sick here I cant shove my face where my arsehole just emptied wether or not the chain has flushed I just cannot face plant my own arse, so I run to the ladies shove my fingers down my throat and proceed to chuck up all them lovely double vodkas. Now listen here carefully I do my motherfucking pelvic floor I do not piss when I sneeze laugh or cough, but at that point I thought fuck I need a piss whilst now not being able to stop the sick coming out of me and had the glorious moment of not being able to stop myself letting abit of wee out 😫😫😫 it was science everything was coming out and I just couldn’t hold it in, it’s ok it’s ok. Thou shall not judge it was only a splash but I say there on the floor contemplating life thinking I’ve just shat for England in there, I’m now chucking in here and I’ve let some piss out its Thursday morning you cunt you’ve got to clean the pub get ya kids back go home bake cakes n shit, entertain the tribe do housework keep everyone happy n that get ya arse back to work later as your working tonight. And fuck 29 years of age on a Thursday morning and a few double vodkas got me in this state every fucking orrifice screaming fuck you In my ear holes. Got on with my job painfully went home with my darlings and my daughter decided to do my make up I so kindly accepted this glorious task because I thought ohhhhh shut eye for ten mins 👍🏻 #Winning Forgetting said child has an issue with over used bronzer, safe to say today it was me looking like mr T.. Do dinner have dinner with my little darlings. Mother arrives to watch them for me and off I go to work. I get in someone demands I have a drink but seriously the actual thought of drinking alcohol is just too soon for me I remember myself pissing shitting n puking only ten foot away 8 hours before n think naaaaa mate.. Mother calls the wee one has been sick I run home he’s ok bless him, chesty cough and made him sick because of the flem, he’s now sleeping away so off I go back to work U know by this point I tell ya I been on my feet all day. I hurt deep, even my calfs hurt I feel fuckin 75 I tell ya, back to work for a few hours, playing the dutiful bar maid, and come 9.45 call comes again he wants his mummy and obviously. My children come before anything else so goodbye work and home I go. Sorted the boy, bless his little cottons. Had a lovely convo with my big boy who is wildly intelligent and clued up its scary. Discussing his birthday and the £600 list he has wrote me 😩🔫 seriously I think this boy thinks I work at the palace and not the local watering hole. But hey ho I’ve made a rod for me own back with that one. I do spoil my kids 🙌🏻 hands are held up. I try to get everything on the list I try to make sure they have everything. I do not always succeed and then I beat myself and feel like a shit mother and then I give em everything they want then there little brats and I beat myself up and feel like a shit mother 🙄 Fucking circle of life I tell ya.. Tomo night myself and the mr are meant to be staying in a hotel and going for dinner to celebrate Valentine's Day and re connect after he's been away for four days. So 11.15 I get in the bath at some point between 11.15 and 11.18 my hot water decided to stop flowing and rather the no N back down stairs because I don't think I'll drag myself back up I think fuck it I'll wing it.. Getting in a foot high like warm tub at gone 11.00 trying to shave me gash legs n pits n wash the fuckin main is painful.. Climb into bed and lay here contemplating my impending day. Work at 10 I know on the walk there with a bag of the kids stuff one in her heels because she's god damn obsessed and one glued to a phone the little one will decided his legs don't work like they used to before and walkings for losers so I'll be carrying him. I'll clean there pub. There dad as per will be late to collect them. I'll then go home do all the housework too make life easier for me when I get back and have that painful moment of deciding what to wear and you know potato life is gonna rear its ugly head again and I'll be there contemplating giving me self liposuction using and old McDonalds straw and a Hoover 🤔 then I've gotta send out a beg sorry for someone to drop me in mk because we'll meet eachover there as he's driving back from Cornwall.. But I know when I get in that hotel he can take his time because Julia Roberts in pretty woman is reincarnating my friend as this little bastard and I'm gonna be in that bath head phones in singing some tunes resembling a cat getting skewered and thinking about what I can eat when we go out and won't be thinking for any longer then half a second " what's low fat to eat" and get ready there, dress the potatoes, greet him with an energetic smile and hopefully a beautified version of myself so I sense my day. But fuck it right, fuck itttttt... Life knackering, life a chore, but life is amazing especially when your stood admiring the world thinking me feet hurt, me toenails ain't painted I can't find me over night bag, the kids are going to there dads so I need to remember not to check up every half hour, I'm skint I'm fat and I've just come on my fuckin period the day before a fuckin hotel trip (note to self hunt down them tablets that stop you bleeding n pray for he best luv) But then I think I have three amazingly beautiful children who amaze me daily and make me so proud to be there mother, a man who loves me, my brother is living a dry life, my mums as beautiful and wild as ever, me fathers are alive and well, I've got a full belly a roof over me head and I'm breathing ! So you can't really fucking moan can ya!! #HaveAllINeed #weeklife #halfterm #work

12/26/17 – No Contact:  Cobwebs

Current time is 1:14am.  I have yet to do the dishes.  Ended up procrastinating.  I’ll do it before I go to bed.

I… well, Esther saved a bunch of messages on Snapchat.  Old messages. Maybe from a year ago, before we became romantically involved perhaps?  Perhaps after as well?  Oh, it seems they were on January 18th of this year.  Her birthday.  These are things I told her.  I’ll share them now: “I wish you could know yourself as I know you.  It may not seem like it, but you’re strong.  You’re tough.  You’re resilient.  You’ve done so much, you’ve withstood so much, and you’ve overcome so much.  It may not seem like it, but I admire you.  You’re like a mouse challenging a titan and somehow you’re still standing.  You don’t need me.  you’ve never needed me.  I’m just lucky to come along for the ride.  I’m not saying you’re invincible, but I swear it seems like it.”

“If [I] were blind, I’d still rate you a 10.” “I was fantasizing about us at my parent’s ranch.  I sincerely believe you’d have a good influence on me.  I’m imagining my dad embarrassing himself trying to talk to you.  He’s been stumbling over his own words since I left for Texas.” “Team? You’re the one running the show.  I just look cute in a skirt and wave pom poms around.” I believe we have an innate hive mind.  All humans.  Like, that’s how so many inventions happen at once all over the world.  The Wright brothers with their plane? Other people were working on the same thing at the time and several actually flew.  However, they could only [fly] straight.” “You will get along with my mom.  When she was 18, she also moved out which was unheard of in Mexico.  She and my grandmother didn’t speak for sometime when she did.” “Besides, I wouldn’t go so far as to say I love most about you is your charming and affectionate posts on Tumblr because it reflects a poetic and clever mind, but it helps. I can get in a conversation with you, I can engage you [mentally], I can learn and expand.  Sex is just sex, but a beautiful mind is a difficult thing to find. I love you, Esther.  Not because you’re cute or physically attractive.  I love you because of your voice, your thoughts, your perspective and reasoning.  You’re more than a pretty face.  You’re beautiful.  Everything about you is beautiful.” The words in brackets are words that had to be changed because the original word was missing or incorrect.  Rather than explain it (because I definitely corrected it, but she didn’t save the correction) I’m just going to edit it ever so slightly.  Also did some punctuation corrections but that doesn’t require brackets.

She and her mom had a falling out.  It was sudden and she needed to get away.  Basically, no one would take her in (or at least I was under the impression) and she had nowhere to go.  People she had asked ended up flaking on her.  So, she was basically going to be homeless. I asked Adela if we could take her in and eventually convinced her. I tried to keep our relationship secret at first, but when Esther arrived, I couldn’t.  But I’ll get back to that later.

I was also living with my parents.  The reason I was at Adela’s was because she needed a housesitter and I was too depressed back home. I felt ASHAMED that I’d have to bring Esther to live with myself and my parents, but I warmed up to the idea over time.  Of course, I asked my mom to ask my dad because she’s more reasonable.  Of course, she asked and they approved.

I basically built her up.  A lot of bad things had happened to her, so I was trying to make sure she wouldn’t fall.  This was big.  She was happy.  Hopeful.  I didn’t want anything to stop that.  And I’ve always been a bit of a hard ass because my dad was a hard ass, too.  So, I told her I admired her.  And I did. Only with her have I had a breakup this bad.  She’s unique.  Everything about her, everything I’ve felt because of her… it’s been unique.

The “If I were blind” comment.  Accidentally said “you” in the original.  Because blind women aren’t attractive.  Kidding, of course.  I’d still think she were beautiful if I were blind, meaning I didn’t need her to be attractive.

Back to the ranch thing… yeah, I was scared.  I was very scared of having her there.  I wanted to leave the ranch as soon as possible but it’s so FUCKING hard to get anywhere because it’s so remote. And summer… I hate summer.  It literally drains me.  I get so depressed during the summer.  It’s bad.  It’s like the flooding of the Nile.  And my dad makes it worse.  He always makes it worse.

Whatever. The point is, I had hoped she’d help me fight the summerly depression.  I guess it was the worst depression of my life due to the event, but it was pretty bad before, too.  I hate it.  And of course, Esther says I don’t get to be depressed.  I’m not allowed to… that’s not a good enough excuse.

Ugh… her oxytocin for Dennis.

Anyways, she said we made a pretty good team but really, I gave her a ton of control.  She was doing her own thing and I was supporting her.  I wanted her to feel like she was carrying the flag and leading the charge.  That this was something she was doing herself.

The hivemind thing was me talking about how humans have similar ideas wherever they are.  It springs up within a decade.  Many historical coincidences.  Not sure why she saved it; I guess she enjoyed my philosophy.

My mom is a trooper, too.  Was hoping the similarities would inspire her.

And finally… yeah, I got very emotional.  That was all written within 10 minutes of each other so were technically part of the same segment.  Thus, I included them all together.  I don’t think Esther got in a word.  I loved her.  I know you know, but I really did.  I still do.  I believed in us.

When the event was going down and we were still on somewhat good terms… we had a temporary motto.  “In it for the long run.”  Look at us now.  She wants nothing to do with me and I’m still stuck on her. I’m still in it for the long run, but she stopped long ago.  So, it’s a journey of love that I travel alone. Masturbation is my highway.

Alright, not that funny.  Anyways, Ariel… the dog.  She kept him from getting hit by a car or something?  It was cold and he was scared and she held him and waited for the police to pick him up.  The dog refused to leave her initially but eventually went with him and was returned to his people.  So, the dog is fine and Ariel has good karma coming her way.  I’m glad for her.  :D Anyways, I’m going to turn on music and do the dishes.  I’ll fuck around with the bathrooms and laundry tomorrow.  Or later today?  Whatever, the point is I’m off.  See you in the next paragraph.  For me, it’ll be a few hours.  Good night.

And good morning.  Or, rather, mid-day.  Slept in.

So, I stayed up watching American Psycho last night.  Had the dream of the sequel.  It was a shitty dream, mostly because Max pooped in the room.  I’ll tell you more about that when we get back from grocery shopping.  Adela’s rushing me which is weird because while cleaning it up, she couldn’t have been slower.  Brb

Apparently, we’re not grocery shopping.  Max is going to the vet.  We went out just to eat.  D’oh!  The purpose of eating out is so we don’t get crappy food for the rest of the week and just pig out.  I suspect that’ll be an issue later, but whatever.

I think Max is just eating too much right now.  The food he was switched to are these BIG cans for dogs larger than him.  So, it’s discerning to say the least.

We’re trying to get the house to look presentable.  Not sure if I mentioned this, but my mom is coming out in a few days a couple days ago. Which is to say, she’ll be here tomorrow.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Whatever. I’ll try to clean the poop a bit better because she’ll get the guest bedroom.  Back when I lived on my own in Amarillo, I hated having her over.  Not to sound ungrateful, but it’s such a burden. My mom can get kind of nosy, too.  I’ll clean up my workspace, try to keep her from snooping on my writings.  Also will probably lock my computer?  Idk, yet.  I guess it won’t matter.  But, again, it’s such a hassle.  Everything must be sooooooooo presentable.  Don’t get me wrong, we clean up here but we don’t EXTENSIVELY clean everything like we do now.

She’ll only be here for ten days.  Leaving next year on the 7th. Not so long.  I’ll be sleeping on the couch and I probably won’t be on for very long.

Anyways, American Psycho… such a strange movie.  Not sure how much of it was in Bateman’s head and what wasn’t.  The scene with “Hip to be Square” reminds me of Walter.  Sounds like him.  Of course, Bale sounds like Jim Carrey a lot but also Walter.  When he says, “Yes, it is!” that is something Walter would say in a tone he’d say it in.

Walter, of course, is a little guy.  He wouldn’t pulverize someone with an axe.  Of course, he’s had a tough history so I’m sure he’s bumped into people who have certainly deserved it and maybe he wanted to, but he’s not as self-centered as the Patrick Bateman.  Walter is charitable and kind.  Just talks the same way, is all.

Honestly, though, if it wasn’t for all the drugs and murder, I don’t think I’d mind being Bateman.  I mean, he is SUCH a dick but his problem he has no financial issues.  That’s… so nice.  Financial issues suck hard.  Then again, maybe that’s why he was very into drugs and murder.  Because he had the money to afford it.

Of course, there are several theories suggesting he isn’t really Patrick Bateman and is someone who just took over his life/apartment/career and another saying he hasn’t murdered anyone which is why the characters he constantly interact with never dies.  I thought about whether he actually killed anyone at all due to that whole Grand Theft Auto scene where he was basically playing GTA and murdered a bunch of people.  Spoilers.  Like, that killing spree… it was a bit too much.  And he goes through the same building twice.  Idk, it’s a movie that makes you think which is nice.

The sequel I saw earlier this year.  It was… not the best, but it wasn’t the worst.  As I said, I had a dream about it.  Mila Kunis was just murdering people and eventually she walked away.  During, I smelled dog crap but didn’t know what it was and ignored it.  Then I woke up to Max poop all over the carpet.  D’oh!

Got water and vinegar.  Trying to get as much out of the carpet.  Did a hard scrub before we left for food.  I’m absolutely stuffed right now, still.  Went to the bathroom, too.  See, this is slowing down my weight goals.

Speaking of, today is… Tuesday?  Tomorrow, I’ll weigh myself.  Get in the habit of weighing myself every Wednesday.  Except my mom will be here… for over a week.  So, I won’t be able to measure myself because it’ll be in that room.  And I just remembered, I won’t have a nice, private place to fap.  And even if I find the time and place, my mom will probably be around the house so I can’t have noise on my porn if I choose to watch it.

My masturbation highway has turned into a no-fap detour.

Whatever. It’ll be fine.

Going to clean now.  Before I do, I found a red hair recently.  From my scalp.  I have a few red hairs in my beard, but my scalp… and this was like… damn near scarlet.  I thought it was discarded Christmas decoration at first.  I, being the vain and possibly narcissistic bastard that I am, have considered getting some feminine products. Basically the hair color changers or whatever.  Where it’s brown or black or blonde or whatever.  Various colors that hide gray hairs.  I think I also mentioned how I kind of want to get an implant in my left calf to make it look more even with the right calf.

The hair thing would be super temporary, though.  Reason being is that if I enlist, then they’ll shave my head.  No point in dying my hair if it’s going to get shaved off in about… four months?  Yeah, just about considering it’s nearing the end of December.  The calf implant though… it’d be expensive.  Like, very expensive.  Maybe military benefits would cover it?  Then again, it’d be totally cosmetic, so unlikely.

Or actually… if I get sent to ANY foreign country, I can see if I can get stationed in a country that doesn’t naturally set the medical prices too high.  But that’d mean I’d have to enlist for 4 years just to have some say.  If you enlist only for 2, they’ll send you where they need you.  With 4, you have some say of where you go.  Or maybe I can just find a way to get to Spain to get the surgery there?  Maybe take advantage of leave or something.  But I’d have to find out the price.

Just looked it up.  4.5k to 6k dollars if I intend to get it.  Then again, I only need one.  And there is a chance that I won’t be able to walk right after.  So, it might not be that expensive.  You know, I could probably just get it in Mexico.  “Oh, but the doctor’s are from a third world country and don’t know-” shut up.  No.  Just, shut up.  If I get it in Mexico it won’t be any different from the US.  The difference would be that I won’t be getting robbed.  US doctors aren’t any better than foreign doctors.  The price isn’t a reflection of quality.  That’s why capitalism is failing and the US economy has been shit.

People like to say, “Oh, why you buying a $5 coffee everyday?  Save your money and buy a house, you bums!”  I saw that in a post and it was trending for a little while but it’s dumb.  The idea of an economy is that people spend, not that they save.  If they save, then there is no money running through.  Think of the economy like a river, the more freely it runs the better.  “Free market economy talk from a commie?”  No, shut up and let me finish.

When you save money, your portion of the water isn’t running down the river.  You’re basically building a dam.  And then other people will ALSO save their money and they will ALSO build a damn.  The more damns that are built means less water going down the river.  It turns into a little stream and that’s not enough for the fish or the plants to get live and be watered so the ecosystem suffers.  So, when people aren’t spending then the economy suffers.

People don’t make enough money to afford a $5 coffee every day.  You’re being REALLY generous if you think so many people have a routine that involves spending $35 a week on coffee alone.  The majority of people in the US live in debt.  The majority of people in the US can’t afford jack shit.  The majority of people in the US are actually REALLY poor.  The entire concept of money is that it’s not infinite.  That’s why it’s valuable.

Sorry, I left to clean some toilets.  Adela isn’t back yet and it’s nearly 5.

Backing up to economics, people really should get $5 coffees.  That’s part of the economy, after all.  The people who serve those coffee need paying jobs, after all and it’s probably not paying enough for them to afford $5 coffees themselves.  Of course, they’ll probably get free coffee because coffee shops are actually really good to their employees for some reason.  Regardless, materialism is a good thing for the economy.

Went shopping.  Alone.  Adela came back and wanted to stay with Max which is fine.  She gave me a list and everything as crossed off.  Not sure I missed anything.  Toilet is broken on the floor I use.  It happened the first time I came out, too.

While shopping, I began texting Diana.  Before shopping, I was messaging Daniel.  I find him quite refreshing if not also perhaps a bit disheartening.  He’s a reminder of the event, after all.  The last link of whom I still speak with.  He is kind, though.  A better soul than Dennis or Shane.

He is quite stressed and he won’t tell me why.  Not because he doesn’t want to share but because there is a lot on his mind.  So much so that if he were to write it out for me, he joked he would get carpal tunnel.  Which is a pity.  So, I did what I normally do.  I wrote propaganda.  I tried to rebuild his morale.  It began with him asking how I was able to stay happy… every day.  He doesn’t know.  All he knows is what I show.  He only knows me for my smiles rather than the crippling emotions that hide behind my eyes.  Every now and then, I’m overwhelmed and my eyes leak, emotion dripping like blood from a fresh wound.

I’m getting awfully poetic.  Apologies, I decided to revisit the Grand Budapest Hotel.  A delightful movie.

Anyways, I told him denial.  I try to look towards the future.  Told him I have goals that I’m close to achieving.  Sometime in April, a new chapter of my life is to begin.  I didn’t tell him that I will vanish.  I didn’t tell him that I intend to escape from it all and enlist.  I didn’t tell him that I intend to bring Ariel out before I finally flee.  I smile to hide my sorrow.  I smile because I know that soon, I shall flee.  Melancholy is that of freedom; from myself and my past.

It’s not all negative.  I told him that smiles are contagious.  He smiles, the world will smile with him.  I know this because when I smile, the world will smile with me.  I also told him to find moments to just enjoy the little things and shared my Titanic reference from work. Only I laughed but that was more than enough laughter for one day.  I also sent him to a video that Ariel sent me to.  The one of the Indian guru talking about… smiles.

Diana was less sentimental.  Rather, it was more trivial questions asking about sushi and bubble tea, asked her how her day was going and how she was spending it, told me that she was watching a series with her sister and continued to remind me how close with her family she is. She asked if I had any siblings.

Of course, I told her yes.  Yes, but I wasn’t really close with any of them.

Hasn’t messaged me since then.  Probably wise.  I wonder how she sees me. I’m loud, energetic, eager, and always smiling.  That’s how the customers tend to see me.  Her?  She’s starting to see more, perhaps.  She may find it quite peculiar that I’m so happy yet so disconnected with my own family.  Perhaps she’ll see the neurotic side Esther saw or thought she saw.  I’m not even certain of my own mental stability.

Regardless, I wonder how much I should reveal to her.  Diana actually reminds me of… Dennis, ironically.  She has a My Chemical Romance sweater she wears while at work.  Guess who was really into that emo stuff back in the day.  Dennis was!  There are other traits and sort of quirks that reminds me of him.  Strange, really.

Of course, she’s not overweight.  And she’s quite funny, her personality isn’t that of Dennis’s at all.  Then again, she may be more vocal due to my being more vocal.  I don’t know enough about her to make that decision yet.  Of course, I know she has a strong family bond yet Dennis is not one for family, unfortunately.

Not trying to trash his name more than I already have, I’m similar in that aspect.  My sister has never been the warmest and my father has never been the most understanding.  When I left for Texas the first time, I drifted further away from my family.  I fear one day, my sister and two half brothers… my cousins… my aunts and uncles… my own parents.  They’ll become strangers to me.  More than they already are, now.

I need to do laundry.  It’s almost tomorrow.  I can’t help but think of Esther now.  Lately, the thought of her has become more prominent.  Perhaps it’s because her birthday is coming up.  Or because a year ago, she was all I could think about.  I suspect… maybe my love for her will grow stronger and become a far more fierce obsession than it already has been.  I worry.  I hope she’s well. I hope her porn is selling.  I hope for the best for her.

That’s all I can do.  Soon, my hope for her will fade.  My memories of her will fade.  Everything about her will be gone.  It’s unfair but it’s inevitable.  I mourn her passing as if she was taken by death himself.

2018 NFL Preview: Maybe the dull Ravens can get a jolt from Lamar Jackson

Yahoo Sports is previewing all 32 teams as we get ready for the NFL season, counting down the teams one per weekday in reverse order of our initial 2018 power rankings. No. 1 will be revealed on Aug. 1, the day before the Hall of Fame Game kicks off the preseason.

(Yahoo Sports graphics by Amber Matsumoto)

Winning always sells. No matter the sport or the market, it’s a universally accepted fact that you can overcome about anything – a bad stadium, a wretched history, a dreadfully boring style of play, whatever – just by winning.

The 2017 Baltimore Ravens were an exception.

A strange thing happened last season in Week 17, long before Andy Dalton and Tyler Boyd hooked up on a miracle fourth-down touchdown to knock the Ravens out of the playoffs. Fans didn’t show up, even with a playoff spot on the line for the home team. Coach John Harbaugh blamed the late start on New Year’s Eve days before the game kicked off. Some said it was because fans were upset the team kneeled during the national anthem once in London earlier in the season.

It wasn’t just Week 17. Empty seats in Baltimore was a theme through the season, even though the Ravens looked like they were going to the playoffs until the final seconds of the season. Fan apathy started to become a story in 2016 (long before the kneeling in London, which pokes holes in that theory).

“Am I disappointed in it? Yes, I’m disappointed in it. Concerned? Yes,” Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti said, according to the team’s transcripts. “If winning is what we need to do to fill the stadium up, then that’s part and parcel with why we’re here. We’re here to win games, we’re here to succeed, and when we fail, the no-shows are a way of telling us that our fans aren’t pleased. So, we’ve got to win. And I hope that solves the majority of the problems.”

But winning isn’t the only factor. Baltimore was in playoff contention all season. The truth is, the Ravens are a boring football team and have been for a couple years. Not bad. Just boring.

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The Ravens offense has become dreadful to watch. They were last in the NFL in yards per pass last season. They had more than 400 yards in a game just once – a fun 39-38 loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers – and never had a 300-yard passing game. They did, however, have eight games with less than 200 passing yards, and one with 52 passing yards. They had the fewest 20-yard pass plays in the NFL last season, with 29. They were better on offense in the second half, but it still wasn’t an offense that excited anyone.

What do you do when you’re a successful franchise – the Ravens have had only one losing season since 2007 – but the fans are tuning you out anyway? You go take the most exciting player in the NFL draft.

Picking Louisville quarterback Lamar Jackson wasn’t the only change the Ravens made or considered, but it will be the one that defines the franchise in the upcoming years. Baltimore announced this is Ozzie Newsome’s last season as general manager, a plan that has been in the works for a while. Bisciotti didn’t deny he thought about replacing Harbaugh (“It was certainly a consideration, but not one that I was inclined to make this year,” he said). There’s a new defensive coordinator, out of necessity after Dean Pees “retired” only to resurface with the Titans shortly after. Baltimore has three new receivers and two new rookie tight ends. And, of course, a new quarterback controversy.

Joe Flacco hasn’t been dealt a great hand lately. The Ravens haven’t put much talent around him. A back injury he suffered last July might be a reason he didn’t play well last season. But here’s what matters now: It has been a long time since Flacco had a good season, he’s 33 years old with a terrible contract, and he’ll soon be the Ravens’ former quarterback. The clock starts when a team drafts a quarterback in the first round. Ask Alex Smith how that goes.

It’s possible Flacco holds off Jackson all this season. The Ravens added receivers Michael Crabtree, John Brown and Willie Snead in free agency. They drafted tight ends Hayden Hurst and Mark Andrews. That will help Flacco. Also, the Ravens probably will be in playoff contention again, and teams rarely change quarterbacks when that’s the case. But the change is coming. It’s just a matter of when.

I think Jackson has the ability to be this year’s Deshaun Watson, a player who has an instant impact and we laugh at the teams that passed on him. There are plenty of teams who will be looking for a quarterback soon but ignored Jackson anyway. Other than Mike Vick, Jackson might be the most dynamic rushing quarterback we’ve seen in college. He’s a far better pocket passer than many critics gave him credit for. Ravens players raved about him in offseason practices. If he’s in the right offense – and the Ravens have assistants who have positive experience with mobile quarterbacks – I think Jackson will be a star. I loved the pick for the Ravens and think it will change their franchise. Even if it makes things uncomfortable in the present.

Even with an inevitable quarterback controversy and incorporating a lot of new faces on offense, we know what to expect out of the Ravens. They won’t be fun to watch, but they’ll contend. They always do.

The question is, will the people of Baltimore come out and watch this time around?

Joe Flacco (5) watches quarterback Lamar Jackson throw a pass during an offseason Ravens practice. (AP)

Before breaking down the moves, a quick rant about the Ryan Grant situation. The Ravens agreed to a $29 million deal with Grant, a former Washington Redskins receiver. It was an enormous contract for someone with Grant’s resume. Before Grant’s deal with Baltimore became official, the Raiders cut Michael Crabtree. The Ravens seemed to have some buyer’s remorse, because they said Grant failed his physical even though he has never missed a game in four NFL seasons. Then — surprise, surprise — the Ravens signed Crabtree. Grant settled for a one-year, $5 million deal with the Colts. While the Ravens stick by their story that is was a medical decision out of their control, it’s easy to be skeptical. And if the Ravens decided to fail Grant on his physical because something better came along, they deserve every bit of bad karma coming to them.

All that out of the way, the Ravens made some necessary moves to improve their passing offense. Crabtree is a solid addition, John Brown has been a good deep threat when he’s healthy and is worth a shot, and Willie Snead was productive with the New Orleans Saints before falling out of favor. Between first-round pick Hayden Hurst and third-round pick Mark Andrews, the Ravens might finally have an answer at tight end. And as stated previously, I believe Lamar Jackson at No. 32 overall will end up being a pick we all remember.

GRADE: B

The Ravens have a heck of a secondary. They allowed a 72.4 passer rating last season. Assuming cornerback Jimmy Smith has a smooth recovery from Achilles surgery, it should be a great group again. Between Smith, Brandon Carr and 2017 first-round pick Marlon Humphrey, the Ravens have great cornerback depth. And Tony Jefferson and Eric Weddle form one of the NFL’s best safety duos.

I wonder if the way last season ended causes a hangover. In the final minute of the season finale, Bengals receiver Tyler Boyd somehow got free on fourth and 12 for a 49-yard touchdown. The Bengals won and the Bills took the Ravens’ playoff spot. You don’t shake that off in a day or two.

“We get into a fourth-and-12 situation, we get into a coverage that we think has a chance,” John Harbaugh said after the season. “We do not play it exceptionally well. It is a little bit of a safer coverage. It is a coverage built for that down and distance, and (Andy Dalton) moves around the pocket a little bit and drops one in there, and your heart is broken. That is football. Nobody writes a script. You do not get a chance to decide how the script is going to be written. That is all you can do. That is the human reality of the whole thing.”

It’s a loss that will sting for years. The Ravens won five of six late in the season, were a huge favorite to beat the Bengals, and had to assume until that fourth-and-12 they were going to the playoffs. Then, poof, their season was over. Harbaugh is a good coach and I figure he’ll lead his veteran team through this, but that’s one tough way to end a season.

This stat is a staple in these previews: Since 2006, the year after Aaron Rodgers was picked by the Green Bay Packers, Jake Locker and Brady Quinn are the only two first-round quarterbacks to not start at least one game as a rookie. Of the past 29 first-round quarterbacks, 27 got at least one rookie start. That tells us the chances of Lamar Jackson sitting all season are probably slim. The holdup might be that the Ravens’ offense will have to change dramatically when the change is made. The offense Joe Flacco runs might not have much in common with what the Ravens use with Jackson. It wouldn’t be easy to change, then go back to Flacco if Jackson struggles. No matter, recent history tells us it’s probably a good bet we see Jackson start at least once this season.

For what seems like the 20th straight season, Terrell Suggs led the Ravens in sacks. And continuing another streak, I’ll wonder in the Ravens preview how long Suggs can keep this going. He’s a great player, a future Hall of Famer, but it’s not like there’s a great history of 36-year-old pass rushers (Suggs will turn 36 on Oct. 11). At least the Ravens have emerging rusher Matt Judon, who had eight sacks last season, but no other Raven had more than three-and-a-half sacks. There is a lot of promise at the position, but they need more production. They need a Za’Darius Smith (who had a lot of quarterback hits, just not many sacks) or 2017 second-round pick Tyus Bowser to take the next step, because Suggs won’t be this good forever … I think.

From Yahoo’s Liz Loza: “Keep an eye on Willie Snead. Sure, his 2017 campaign underwhelmed, but a lot of that had to do with a three-game suspension and a nagging hamstring injury. The year prior, he posted a 72-895-4 stat line, demonstrating sticky mitts (catch rate of 69.2 percent) and dominating after the catch (373 yards). Given the Ravens’ lack of pass-catching weapons, the former Saint figures to get fed. He’s not a prime red-zone target, but he could easily see 95 targets on the season and have value in PPR-friendly formats.”

[Booms/Busts: Fantasy outlook on the Ravens.]

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We talked about fumble luck in the Titans preview. Many analysts believe strongly in fumble luck, good or bad, being a key indicator of regression. The Ravens might have reason to worry then. Baltimore had the best fumble luck in the NFL last season, recovering 65.9 percent of fumbles according to Team Rankings. That helped fuel a plus-17 turnover margin. If that doesn’t repeat, the Ravens will have to improve in other areas to be in the playoff hunt again.

IS ALEX COLLINS THE REAL DEAL?

Collins is a good example of why teams should think twice before investing a lot into the running back position. Collins was a fifth-round pick of the Seahawks in 2016. He got 31 carries as a rookie, was cut before last season and got signed to the Ravens’ practice squad. Then Collins, who couldn’t find a spot on anyone’s 53-man roster to start the season, finished the season as one of the more efficient backs in the league.

The Ravens signed Collins from the practice squad early in the season, and he ended up with 973 rushing yards and six touchdowns. He averaged 4.6 yards per carry and brought a much-needed spark to the Ravens offense. He had the eighth highest success rate among all NFL backs last season, according to Football Outsiders. While the Ravens get Kenneth Dixon back from a torn meniscus that wiped out his 2017 season, and Javorius Allen is still around too, Collins should be the clear lead back. There’s no reason to believe Collins can’t repeat, or even improve upon, his breakout season.

The Ravens were very good last season on defense and special teams (kicker Justin Tucker is simply amazing), and that should carry over. The offense also improved late, even if few people noticed. There were some important upgrades on offense this offseason. While I’m not sure a team with Michael Crabtree as a clear No. 1 receiver is in a great spot, the offense should be better. If that’s the case and the defense and special teams play well again, it’s not too tough to envision the Ravens improving by a couple wins and challenging the Steelers for the AFC North.

Quarterback controversies are usually tricky to navigate. And there will be a controversy at some point, especially since Lamar Jackson is such an exciting option. If Joe Flacco struggles early, John Harbaugh will be in a tough spot with a quarterback who helped him win a Super Bowl. And as much as I like Jackson, maybe when he gets a shot we’ll see exactly why he fell in the draft. I’m through picking the Ravens to have a losing season because it seems they never do, but it’s easy to see them missing the playoffs again.

The Ravens will probably be what they usually are. They won’t be particularly exciting, but effective. I’ll assume they’re in the nine-win range, not good enough to make the Steelers sweat but in the wild-card hunt. Maybe this time around they won’t have a playoff spot snatched from them in the final minute of the season.

32. Cleveland Browns 31. Indianapolis Colts 30. New York Jets 29. Arizona Cardinals 28. Buffalo Bills 27. Cincinnati Bengals 26. Chicago Bears 25. New York Giants 24. Miami Dolphins 23. Washington Redskins 22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 21. Houston Texans 20. Seattle Seahawks 19. Oakland Raiders 18. Denver Broncos 17. San Francisco 49ers 16. Detroit Lions 15. Tennessee Titans

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Frank Schwab is a writer for Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at [email protected] or follow him on Twitter! Follow @YahooSchwab

Power Ranks: Week 3

This week in the NFL was slightly depressing for me, and it wasn’t just because I got my ass handed to me by Dyl. I’ve wanted to sort of share my thoughts on the protests through some sort of outlet, and I guess I’ll do it here, as briefly as I can since this isn’t why you guys read this. If you really don’t want to, you can skip the next two paragraphs. 

Trump, among other things, is a racist prick. However, I think he knew what he was doing when he started attacking the NFL. He (and the media) have turned what was originally Kaepernick’s protest against racial inequality into “NFL players against the flag”, all while taking attention away from the fact that his shitty attempt to take away healthcare failed. It’s really hard to get so much wrong in a four word headline, but headlines on major news outlets read “NFL protests American Flag”. What the fuck is that? Trump literally took all attention from the point of the protest and made it a race/patriotic thing, despite saying it wasn’t about race.. Twitter arguments on the subject are absurdly revealing of closeted racists that now have a reason to speak up (this sentence can be said about the entire Trump administration), and I’m sure you guys have seen the videos of people burning their NFL jerseys and swearing off the league. A bar owner in Minnesota made the doormat into his bar out of jerseys that read “Lynch Kaepernick”. This is pathetic and sad, and it’s even sadder that I could go on. I think this is what Trump aimed to do. The people angry about the protest are the people that are missing the point, or ignoring it because of their own racist agenda. Lots of bad things have come out of this, but I hope we can focus on the positives, which is that this has sparked a national discussion that you can’t be on the fence about. (Sorry Drew Brees, you sounded like an asshole when you tip toed on the fence.) Nothing will change unless something like this happens, and I’m glad that a unified showing against the bullshit intimidation methods of an attention seeking president who’s done everything in his power to make activism in the NFL about him might start a revolution.

It’s absolutely insane to me that the most influential athlete of the past year wasn’t seen Sunday, but it was incredible seeing that his presence was so strongly felt. It’s clear he’s being blackballed, but with every passing day that we talk about the reason he’s being blackballed, Kaepernick won. I guess the point of this little write up is to not forget the point of the protest. White privilege and systemic racism exist, kneeling during the anthem does not equal disrespect to the flag or soldiers, and the more we talk about it the better. Contrary to the people burning their jerseys and season tickets, I’ll watch the absolute shit out of the NFL now. I know that I usually don’t talk about anything that actually matters with you guys so this might be weird or uncomfortable to hear, I just needed to share some thoughts.

P.S.: HOW FUCKING WILD WOULD THIS WHOLE PROTEST THING BE WITH DAN AROUND? I MIGHT’VE ACTUALLY KICKED HIS ASS. SHOUTOUT ALEX FOR SAYING SOMETHING TO THE GUY.

Scott Team Update : 6-3. I will continue to post this until the Scott trifecta is under .500.

Reminder: the number I give you doesn’t matter as much as the tier I put you in, I don’t see a big difference between teams in a tier other than small details.

The “literally every draft pick I made was perfect and I have the midas touch” tier

1. Scott’s Balls 12-11-16 (Anthony “it’s been golden boy bullshit for a year and a half now, i hope karma comes and fucking stabs your cocky, complaining about Ben Watson garbage time touchdowns when literally everyone on your team has 239487239847 points, saying you could lose when Alex has Carr and Lynch when you’re up 75 ass face” Mendola) (3-0) (LW:1)

I’m not actually that mad, I’m man enough to admit its jealousy. Your team is good, I’m not sure how much I can write about it considering it’s been the same formula for three weeks, Cam sucking, Kareem Hunt 60 yard touchdowns, Chris Hogan bullshit, Gronk fucking the football, and your WR2 always doing well. (Geronimo fucking ALLISON). I’m still not 100 percent sold on the receivers, but Hogan looks for real at this point. Enjoy it while it lasts my dude. 

2. Fournette About It (Jack “closeted viking fan, non closeted clown porn enthusiast” Cleek) (2-1) (LW: 3)

I really believe in this team now that it’s been proven that the skill position guys are QB proof. When you can sustain four fantasy relevant people with Case Keenum, you know you can start any of the Vikings any given week. When you thrive with Jared Goff and Bazooka Blake Bortles as the people handing off to you, you can do anything. I like the addition of Nick Swardson, and if you could find a QB you’re never gonna lose again (other than the Vikings bye week)

The “This is a whole tier of above average inconsistent garbage” tier

3. Hammer (Tony “He’s back!” Mendola) (1-2) (LW: 7)

I know, I know, this is a meteoric rise from 7, but Tony’s team has gotten better every week, and over the course of the years there hasn’t been a single person better than him at identifying the random, shitty dudes who get 10 a week. Brady is back to being Brady, Devonta Freeman looks like a steal at the 8th pick, T.Y. showed he might be able to do something with Brissett, and Jared Cook is this year’s Richard Rodgers, the tight end Tony starts and just always gets 8. Going forward, this team should be just fine, especially if Chris Thompson can keep producing at this rate for a few more weeks.

4. Aegon Targaryen M’FVCKA (Alex “weirdly been quiet” Ahn) (2-1) (LW: 2)

I���m not sure if you’ve been quiet because nobody’s accepting trades, or you just don’t talk to me specifically because I just laugh at all the trade offers, but its been a strange start of the season, I almost miss the crappy trade offers because it at least made us talk. Anyways, nobody can really blame you for losing to Anthony’s golden boy bullshit, but your team did REALLY bad last week. The main reason you’re dropping down to 4 is that Lynch, the Crow, and your QB’s just don’t look consistent. Jeffery (maybe) and Tyreek are gonna be just fine, and Elliott is Elliott, but the rest of your team doesn’t really look good or bad, just kinda meh. It’s a good team that needs to find consistency. That being said, I’m calling it now, Matt Ryan reads these and he’s gonna drop 400 yards and 3 TD’s on my ass for suggesting he’s gonna keep regressing. 

5. Rick and Jordy (Chris “also should kinda change the name” Gatzow)    (1-2) (LW:4) 

You’re only in dead last place because of how weird the victories have been this year, but I still think your team is about average. I’m a lot lower on it than I was at the beginning of the year, but only because so many guys haven’t shown up yet. Julio has had the yurds, but not the touchdowns. Baldwin only looked good because Wilson put up a shitload of garbage time points. T West doesn’t look nearly as good as he did at the beginning of the season. Delanie Walker is having a down year because of how many weapons that Tennessee offense has. I’m not sure if Cooper and Howard are gonna get 0 or 20 on any given week. This tier was full of inconsistent teams that I think are okay, and your team is the most inconsistent of the bunch in my opinion. 

6. Don’t Trust a Younghoe (Dylan “name change time now?” Jessop) (1-2) (LW: 8)

Dropping Younghoe might’ve been the best thing you did (You’re welcome bitch) since Succop looks legit this year. Your record and points scored don’t suggest you should be this high, but holy shit I don’t think that many people know about how much points you’ve left on your bench, I know part of that is your own foolish decisions, but had you been starting the right dudes you may be the second or third highest scorer. I think the longer the year goes on, the more you’ll figure your own team out. This team is deep as hell. You’re sitting Michael Crabtree AND Gilislee this week, that’s impressive as hell. If CJ and Demarco can get slightly more consistent, you’re gonna be scary, Watkins dropping that low looks scary now.

7. Mixon it Up (Alec “Chris really ruined this and made me write so much more on these rankings by losing, and also ruined an amazing meme that nobody’s gonna see now” Bernstein (1-2) (LW:9)

Alright, the joke and tier is over. I really was doing it only because you talked shit about your ranking, and I was TOTALLY right for the first two weeks. But last week was more along the lines of what I think you envisioned with your team. Granted, Wilson only got his points because it was garbage time and they needed to come back, but he got 35 nonetheless. Lamar Miller, as we’ve said, will get 8 or 9 a week but he’s not gonna let you down. Mixon looks like he’s on the upswing. Green/Beckham, for as bad as they had been before this week, are about as scary a duo as you can have at WR. Eifert dying sucks, but Graham is such a nice fantasy tight end and I’m upset nobody else got him/someone dropped him in the first place (cough cough ALEx). I still don’t think your team is good, but it deserves to be in this tier just because it’s shown you can break 100. That’s more than...

The teams that can’t break 100 or even 90 can say tier

8. Scott’s Penis (David “slowly realizing I used 100% of my luck the year i won” Chinchilla) (1-2) (LW: 6)

I’m only ranking myself 8 because I’m the only one of the remaining teams that’s broken 90. Dyl hasn’t broken 90 either, but he’s left like 2903847298347 points on his bench so he deserves a bit more than this embarrassment down here. I don’t even know what to say. QB is so bleak without Luck that I just dropped Jared Goff and picked up Trevor Siemian and felt like that was an upgrade, how sad would that sentence have been last year? Hyde is my only good player, Ajayi and McCoy are in bad situations (McCoy especially, the Bills REFUSE to give that guy the ball inside the 45 yard line) and my receivers are just so MEH. I have no faith in any of my receivers getting more than 9, and Reed might’ve ALREADY died for the year. I think my team really really sucks, but not because of a lack of talent, just all my players are on teams that can;t seem to score. I’m finding myself rooting for the other team to do bad more than I am for rooting my team onward to victory.

9. Beshoy and some Backups (Beshoy “Aaron Rodgers vs. The World” Halim) (1-2) (LW:5)

We’ve talked a lot about our teams and while I think your top three are better than my top three, I think the rest of your team is a whole hell of a lot of not number one guys. You get Martin back after this week, but I still have little faith in some of your guys. I think Henry can be for real, that offense might be able to sustain two RB’s, but that remains to be seen. Cohen could be good, but Jordan Howard came back from the dead last week (multiple times). Thielen is always gonna be the #3 red zone target in that offense, but the good thing is that he has a clear yards floor. Idk what Blount will be doing going forward, but at least he’s definitely the battering ram down at the goal line. I really hope this turns around for you, but as of now, much like with my team, things look bleak. 

10. Scott’s Jizz (Scott “just being disrespected at this point” Felgenhauer) (2-1) (LW:10)

I know you’re gonna be upset again, but I don’t know what you want me to say...Ajayi has played in two games and scored less than three in one of those two, and he’d be your second best running back on your team. Dak and Dez have been REALLY nice so far, and I trust Kelce, but everything else on the squad is just such a random dart or a bad player. Mike Thomas finally had his good game, as did Jackson/Dez/Dak and you STILL only scored 80. I am rooting for you and hope you win more games, but I can’t rank you any higher until you get literally anything out of your RB’s.

PICKS

Aegon Targaryen M’FVCKA (Alex) over Scott’s Penis (David)

UPSET SPECIAL BABY VVVVVV

Beshoy and some Backups (Beshoy) over Scott’s Balls 12-11-16 (Anthony)

Hammer (Tony) over Mixon it Up (Alec)

Don’t Trust a Younghoe (Dyl) over Scott’s Jizz (Scott)

Fournette About It (Jack) over Rick and Jordy (Chris)

Last week : 2-3

Season: 100-0 (fuck you guys)