Eyo so-

Since I have ADHD and Mysta has ADHD it's self projecting time!!!

Mysta Rias and Reader with ADHD

Mysta wasn't surprised when you told him- actually the entirety of Luxiem- Shoto already knew.

Mysta just had a feeling... Something was definitely off about you unlike the others- like him!

Everyone got an answer one way while you got the same answer doing it a whole different way- like how did you even get that?! Only Mysta can truly understand that feeling-

He wasn't too good at catching himself when he went of track but he was good at catching you straying away from the original subject.

It's why he felt so comfortable just talking around you. With a lot of people, I always tried to stay overly conscious about what he was saying, he didn't wanna stray away into 5 subjects at once and throw everyone off... that happened a lot. No one was able to keep up- but with you, he could go through 5 subjects in 1 minute and you could keep up the ENTIRE time, even going ahead of him.

It mostly was brought up when Luca asked.

"Oh, ya! I have ADHD!"

"Oh shit, really? Mysta does too I think," Vox comments, "For some reason I had a hunch you were neurodivergent in some way..." Mysta said

But with that came the struggles. But struggles both of you could relate to, so it didn't feel as lonely.

Both of you had a tendency to talk over others on accident. The impulsivity that comes with ADHD causes this. Yeah, yeah, neurotypical people do this too, but not nearly as much. For ADHD, it can affect personal relationships, just like any other symptom of ADHD.

Both of you have a small ass attention span, and you commend Mysta for people able to play the whole game of The Quarry, or Minecraft for even 5 minutes on his own. You loved games with puzzles and stuff, like Madison since it was horror... but you had a small amount of patience and even less for focus so for finding the damn green safe passcode, you opted for looking it up on Google over actually finding it-

You and Mysta help each other with getting work done- usually it seems like Mysta's the one doing the reminding. Hell sometimes he'll stream while you're in VC with him since you were doing something like homework. If he heard what sounded like you going off track, he was instantly nudging you back to your work until you got it done. You did the same for him. If he had some shit to do but was procrastinating, you'd push him back on track.

Hyperactive episodes are wild when you got 2 people with ADHD in the room-

You two will rage at the faking disorder cringe compilations for HOURS... you two will MALD over people who fake ADHD so much Jesus christ-

"NO- IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND HAS ADHD I'M MORE THAN 110% SURE SHE WON'T GET HYPER ON COFFEE!!" "Yeah!!"

"THAT'S WHY SHIT LIKE ADDERALL AND VYVANSE CALM US DOWN BUT MAKES ANYONE WHO DOESNT HAVE ADHD HYper- I physically can not get a sugar rush- I've never had a sugar rush in my life!!" "Exactly! Caffeine doesn't do shit to us... like if she were to have something similar to ADHD then you mean ADD... because people with ADD get hyper from shit like Adderall. It has the opposite affect on people without ADHD!" "That's why it's so addicting too!"

Mysta would gladly listen to you ramble about your hyperfixations, obviously jumping in with a comment here or there.

You'd do the same, and if you both shared the same hyperfixation at that moment? Oh boy... silence doesn't exist-

You're both patient with each other.

You know you have to get work done but Mysta won't shut the fuck up about something, you get his attention and gently remind him you need to get something done before the hyperfocus wears off- he understands and fucks off to do something else for a little bit until you're done. If you're rambling off about whatever the fuck, the does the same.

"I'm sorry but I gotta get this done! I'll talk to you and listen in a little okay? I love you!~"

But oh jesus christ what is a clean room honestly-

Organization? What??

Organizer? I hardly even know 'er-

Both of your rooms are a death trap.

Who's is worse? We don't know. We can't tell. We're too afraid to get close to either person's room door.

But sometimes you band together with that hyperfocus mentality currently affecting you and get y'all's rooms cleaned one by one...

But it ain't staying like that for long...

It's fucked up in a week max

Usually in 2 days it's back to the way it was. Honestly what was the point? We don't know- but "Hey! I found my Miku pop figure I was looking for!!"

With impulsivity comes great spending habits lmao-

Between the two you MIGHT be better-

If you exclude thr 100 dollars you spent using Christmas to get Xiao when you lost his 50/50 to Diluc

But you are bad about spending small amounts of money on the stupidest shut you find online or in somewhere like Walmart or Target-

Only like 4 dollars but still-

You when to Walmart with the intent on getting groceries but came back with toys that you for distracted by, 2 gallons of Milo's Sweet Tea (or unsweetened if you're uncultured- fuck unsweet tea, this post was made by the sweet tea gang-), candy, some random ass kids art supplies, the kids gummy vitamins, and more random candy you got at the check out counter... as well as McDonald's.

"(Y/n) that's... that's not groceries.." "technically it IS groceries!-" "not the ones we needed though! You can nOT be trusted!" "YoU CAN'T EITHER-"

Y'all spent the next like 3 hours playing with Legos and shit bro-

Mysta on his way to try and clean his room but ended up finding some old pictures and stuff he forgot about.. you walked in and ended up joining him.

Please anything but the actual task I have to do-

When you have conversations and go from topic A to topic 10 in 5 minutes people ask how and then proceed to be amazed at how you do mental gymnastics all the way from how the conversation began to how it finished flawlessly and Mysta's just there like "yep... sounds about right"

How do you even remember what our conversation what about?!-

.... ssshhhh... don't question the ways of the neurodivergents...

ADHD isn't fun, but it can be more bearable when someone who can relate is around to talk about it and you help each other through it.

Alright! Here goes my Bugsnax Grumpus last name headcanon!

(This ended up being way longer than I thought it would've been, oh god-)

I think we all can agree that the headcanon where a Grumpus child has their parent's combined last names as their own last name is a very common headcanon people share. It's a good one! Even I like it a lot. And when applied to OCs or fankids it makes for some hilarious names.

It'd make sense in-canon and I feel like it gives the Grumpus world more depth as their own little tradition. (Honestly give me ANY culture/tradition headcanon for Grumpuses PLEASE THOSE ARE MY FAVORITEEEE I even had one for teeth a while ago that I may share publicly one day!!)

But I've been thinking about this, especially because of Cromdo and my own OCs - Neddy and Rason Honeyfidget. With Rason being Neddy's dad, if we only used this headcanon then Neddy shouldn't have this last name... Well, there's a lore reason why he doesnt and that is that his mother has died while he was still an egg, a while before hatching. Rason made him take on "Honeyfidget" only.

But that's just the backstory that got me thinking at the name traditions as a whole, so I'll try to avoid OC talk any further to make this friendlier for others who do not know about my OCs and are just interested in reading this headcanon.

Another headcanon I want to mention as I apply it to my own is the headcanon that Triffany changed her last name to Bronica's last name as a way to honor her. You can definitely change your name to anything you want in the Grumpus world, but changing your last name to a relative's like your grandparent's last name is possibly quite common!

And now I want to bring up Cromdo and the fact he is divorced. It has been confirmed that Cromdo is divorced and that his name may reflect that. (Though originally it was answered in the AMA that "Cromdo Face" just sounded funny at first and that it is possible that he did loose a half of his last name this way!)

Also I want to say that he wasn't abusive to the child mentioned! I remember there was a small confusion and drama about that. And I believe one of the devs on the YH discord mentioned that the 1# tie was a reference to Octodad. I do not remember if that confirmed that he is a father or if this answer by Sage was possibly wrong. He cannot see the child because he lost custody of them and lost in court. I do not have screenshot evidence of this. On a side-note I believe this could be one of the reasons he grew to be so money hungry. He didn't have enough money back then to keep his child. Again I want to say it could be ONE of the reasons and not the exact reason why he is this way.

This is more so of an ramble about my headcanon and what I want to say rather than some comprehensive thing, I am so sorry dfwergeg it's just how I write and explain things and I gotta mention it ALL (Great addition to "Guzma, your ADHD is showing")

Anyways, back on track with my HC.

But in this/my headcanon - Cromdo is divorced, he has had a child, and lost a part of his last name because of the divorce. I do not know how human marriage last name and stuff works properly so uh, see this as just speculation about a fictional species' culture rather than a carbon copy of our own. Which it clearly isn't LOL

I personally think that you can do multiple things with your last name when you get married! (And how it can affect the child's last name!)

Let's use Chandlo and Snorpy as examples, because I think they make great last name combinations. (And Snorplo is HELLA !!/pos)

- You can change your last name to your partner's last name, like we do commonly. (At least, with all the cultures I'm aware of and how marriage works for us.) Examples: Snorpy Funkbun, Chandlo Fizzlebean

(This one isn't very common to do!)

- You can change one half of your last name to a half from your partner's last name. Examples: Snorpy/Chandlo Funkbun/Fizzlebun

(Not as common either, but it still happens. It is actually more common than the first example. This was the case for Cromdo. I'll get back to this later. Grumps usually reserve this for their childen, which is the most common way of naming your children!)

- You keep your last name after marriage! Example: Snorpy Fizzlebean. Chandlo Funkbun. Canon examples would be Wambus and Triffany as well!

(Most common one to do as many wear their last names with pride or for other reasons - such as Trifanny when she changed her last name to Bronica's last name in this headcanon.)

Before we get to the kids again, I'm gonna go back to Cromdo and what can happen during divorce.

During divorce you can simply change your name back if you changed it, or keep the last name you took from your partner. Many simply change their last names back to what they were originally. Some, if they went by the half/half method, take away the half from their ex-partner only. This leaves some Grumpuses with one worded last names, such as Cromdo.

I think he changed a half of his last name during marriage. After the divorce, he didn't want to "wear" his partner's name anymore and changed his name to Cromdo Face only as Face was a part of his last name he was given at birth. This is most often the default for Grumpuses who have been divorced and took only half of their partner's last name.

If Cromdo - (or any Grumpus with a one-word last name! There's certainly rare cases of Grumpuses who have one word that didn't go through divorce. Possibly Grumpuses with bad attachment to one of their parents - so they change or remove that half of the last name they got from said parent. If their last name was a combination.) - were to re-marry he could take one half of his new partner's last name, or not change his name at all.

I want to get onto how naming a child would work with this situation, so I will talk about ways of naming children before I get back to this! And by naming I of course mean the last names only, lol.

(One rule is that, unless you change your name later in real life for any reason, it's gonna have to be one of these otherwise! Your Grump parent cannot make you up a new last name. It is just a part of the tradition they have. Though re-naming isn't looked upon in any way by the majority of Grumpuses as there are many reasons to do so!! Unless you're a jerk or you value your last name TOO much.) (Also when I say "you" I don't mean YOU as the reader literally. I mean a hypothetical Grumpus child!! It's just how I like wording things.

(...I've been writing for almost an hour, brain scrampled eg)

- Your last name is the combined name of your parent's last names. Examples: Fizzlebun, Funkbean

(VERY COMMON! Most Grumpuses will do this when first naming their child!)

- Your keep one of your parent's last name! Fizzlebean or Funkbun.

(This all works if you have multiple parents btw! Can make for SUPER crazy long and funny last names. This *all* applies to marriage, too! I hope it is easily applicable. I do not want to go in depth on that. Feel free to hit me an ask about this if you want me to explain it more in depth!! I wouldn't want to exclude polyamorous relationships ^^ )

(Also yes, last names that are just the same word repeated twice/multiple times are possible too. Fizzlefizzle, Funkfunk... How fun are these to say? Gives me Grumpus OC name ideas already.)

But yes! Back to Cromdo! Or any Grumpus in the same situation, but as I've stater earlier, Cromdo is just an example here. If he were to re-marry and NOT change his name, there's two posibilities:

His new partner has a full last name.

In this situation, if they have a child they can keep the full last name from Cromdo's partner. Or they can have one word from his partner + Face. For reasons stated below the child cannot have "Face" as their only last name.

His new partner has a one-worded, short last name like he does.

In this situation, if they have a child they have to name it a combination of their last name's. No exception. Having a short last name is a sign of something happening in your life, and it is traditionally not put onto a child, unless they are adopted with no last name. That still counts as something that happened in their life, as their birth parents possibly just gave them away with no care in the world.

------------------------------------------

At this point I am almost completely off track, so please do ask me questions as I am not sure where I completely left off - Or rather if there is something I forgot that I wanted to mention.

By the way, for combining last names and such, you can also mis-match! Doesn't even have to be combinations. This applies to everything, even for (Full last name + one-word last names) where it makes sense the most. Examples: Beanfizzle, Bunfunk, Bunbean, Bunfizzle, Beanbun, Beanfunk. I'm personally a big fan of Bunfunk and Beanbun :P)

And this applies to siblings, too! It isn't uncommon for parents naming their children mis-matched last name combinations if they have multiple ones. (This ties into my headcanon for Filbo's many siblings and that he isn't a single child. He's in a big household and has at least 2 siblings. ONE OF WHICH I want to make into an OC! This requires me to make the parents, too, but I am not so bothered about that :P)

I'm out for now, all my brain power has left me a few paragraphs ago and I've got to go eat lunch

But again I encourage people to ask me questions (If anyone was brave enough to read through this!!)

And if I got anything wrong, do let me know! I am not all-knowing and I could've missed some VERY OBVIOUS mistakes.

And sorry if the writing is wonky at times! Sometimes it is done on purpose but sometimes the fact I only pretend I know how to write + the fact English is my second language IS SHOWING

(Also I sometimes just write how I think, without much thought put into the sentence if I don't proof read, so HSDFWERGRGT)

Back in my Zeta appreciation hours lol. You'll probably be one of the only dsmp (analysis) blogs I'll follow because of how positive you try to be, and I have so much respect for you. I sometimes have the urge to post negative or discourse rambles, but I stop when I realize how shitty it just makes me feel afterwards. So props to you for remaining so positive even when the fandom is on fire hah.

Anyways, I love when Tommy turns off his persona (though don't get me wrong I love streamer mode too) and just talks. For all the screeching he does, he has a nice and calming voice. Podcast type beat shit. I was surprised when he was open about his anxiety and getting therapy. He's generally not a too open or "honest" person about this kind of stuff, at least as far as I can tell (somewhat also why I'm not his real name is Tom or Thomas but I digress).

Also, in general, I think it's nice thing to see content creators being open about their mental struggles and how they deal with that. I think so far, Wilbur, Techno to an extent, Dream, and now Tommy have been open about their mental health (I'm not aware of the rest but if they have, props to them too). I couldn't imagine openly telling hundreds of thousands of people on live that I have some mental issues that I'm dealing with, so I love when they're open about it, especially as a person with really bad anxiety and ADHD and depression and probably some other stuff. (Though it sucks when the fandom also latches on to this and either babies them or uses it as hate fuel. This fandom has a weird track record with mental health and 'holy shit what the fuck' takes to certain plots, cough cough exile arc why is there so much victim blaming and abuse apologism??)

So in the midst of all this, weirdly enough maybe, just coming on and sending asks to you is somewhat calming for me. I could just post this but I think this "one-sided" conversation is fun. This past week has been a shit storm for this fandom and yet we're still here. Gotta find the light in the dark I guess. (Side-note: you're never obligated to post these, as is the general consensus with asks, I just like rambling and speaking positively of you lmao.) Hope you stay well!

Hey, feel free to chat in my askbox anytime. I enjoy the interactions as well! Thanks!

Discourse can seem fun at the time. When drama's happening, people become intensely curious and want to know what's going on even if it doesn't involve them. Then once they've caught up on it, they want to give their own input and perspective on things. It's natural!

But it's ultimately draining. Each individual comment on the situation is small, reasonable. The intentions are good. But sheer quantity is overwhelming. There are misunderstandings and miscommunications and genuine negativity mixed in even if they're not the vast majority at all.

You're handing a glass of water to a man who's beginning to drown. You're reaching out a hand to give but only push them further down.

(Sorry that's based on a song lyric xD, and I couldn't not share it.)

Anyway, the fandom is fun and I do love it! I've read so many great posts, seen so much cool art, read some fun fanfiction, shared some thoughts and received nice interactions. The people trending negativity one day are the same people who trend positivity another day. It's all the same community and we should appreciate that, flaws and all. We're not perfect. We're not better and its pride to think otherwise. And its always been this way - people talk about last year Mcyt like it was better but honestly the drama was always there, it was just smaller, but we only remember the good bits.

Heh all that aside yeah, Tommy's a really cool person. I admire him trying to be open and genuine. He wouldn't talk about it and feel so stressed out if he didn't care. He seems to care a lot about being a responsible person and nurturing a good community while feeling like he's not ready to be a good role model as he's still learning and making mistakes and he's struggling to deal with that pressure. It's very cool that he shared all those concerns. I really enjoyed that stream!

Plus the fact that he's got an awareness of his own limits. He admitted that he's had therapy almost casually, recommending it as a good, useful thing to do which is honestly great. Therapy is rather stigmatised and it's not necessarily something you'd expect from someone who seems so confident. I remember there was some worry about if they'd show Tommy's character going to therapy in the Dream SMP whether he'd actually depict it well and do it justice. But now we know he's had firsthand experience and recommends it. (Obviously that doesn't mean they'd definitely portray it well but is so encouraging to know that Tommy at least takes it very seriously.)

Aah this turned into quite the ramble. xD Cheers again for the ask!

help? rambling! sorry for that thing.

(saw in the ask-section: so written today as of the 20th of August in the year 2020)

Hey,

No idea how to approach this. Though first things first: English is not my native language and I have some trouble with languages (even my native) [mostly speaking and writing… and understanding (the hearing part but sometime also the meaning part) – okay I just can’t language – sorry] and this thingy here will be long, again – sorry Though I learned to understand written english just so I could read more fanfictions (‘cause the ones in my native language didn’t satisfy me anymore) - spend a whole summer just reading stuff in english and now I *need* to read everything in english and watch things in their native production language (synchro is weird af) and if possible with subtitles (books: if it’s the authors native language; otherwise both languages (german and english) would be translated and then it doesn’t really matter, most of the time anyway)

WARNING: Messy, chaotic and about 2500 words long. Sorry. and it isn’t proof read and some sentences could be… not a sentence

I think I might be autistic / have adhd ? not sure, going to someone (professional) is not really an option as that would take at least 6 to 12 month to even get maybe a appointment… and it involves a lot of social interaction that would stress all people – even those that don’t have to think about *every* interaction they have with eachother… like no planning or thinking about what you have to say or can’t say and what’s appropriate? Like that is a thing – always wondered how most people got through life when everything is so damn hard. It is apparently a thing that isn’t so quite normal… lol*

Okay, most of the time (that I remember) wondered how that worked for everyone else except me – how they get through life thinking all those things, or well… don’t thinking all those things like HOW?!? Why can you “people”? and I learned it’s important if you’re a girl or not; so yeah, girl here. Followed adhd / autism stuff for a few month / weeks and now again for the last days (it’s an on and off thing). so yeah, I can relate to so much on like everything. Long time I thought, nah, can’t have it: good in school (more so when I was younger but never actually bad), finished school good (though could have been better, if I had studied once (like for my oral exam, I opened the document that should help us learn one whole time, the morning of the exam so yeah, not good at that; brain just goes, heard it once, why should I read this information? Can’t really recall it but while reading I “know” it, so WhAt Is STuDyInG?)) anyway (at this point I would have deleted about everything but like 3 or 4 sentences because… rambling. Sorry, but I think it is important what’s actually going on in my brain; I know it’s hard to read lol) considering all those things I read here (and on other blogs and stuff), I would explain so much about what’s going on in my life (I made a document where I collect all that stuff but it’s redundant sometimes and really messy; try to make a short list with most important things).

Like as a kid, it took me longer than other kids for this social stuff (not like it got “everything”, just enough to communicate more or less lol) or I was so freaking focused on rules; one example is at the train station, there is this line to indicate where you should wait for the train and the other side is where you’re allowed to step once the train is in the station – I lost it, when that rule wasn’t followed (never really big, loud but I was really upset – you know, I learned that it isn’t “allowed” to act out in public). Another thing, I would always get the adults (or kids) around me to speak to others: I mean, I wanted ice cream? Couldn’t order it (still hard to this day – I’m 19 years old btw) or any other basic interaction stuff – I mean I broke every connection to my best friend (in 6th grade, so I was like 10 or 11) because he broke a rule while playing “hide and seek” like yeah, one rule one time while playing and I didn’t speak to him for like 6-7 years (met him at driving school again lol) and I still have his book because I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore (now it’s just awkward to give it back).

As I was younger I loved reading, couldn’t get me away from it – now not so much lol (books or reading in general is so hard sometimes… most of the time) – but that is more like: I lost myself in the books and was super focused on it – now I “don’t have time” as in I can’t really read a book if I don’t have theoretically the whole day and night – cause if I have to do stuff later “there is not enough time to read a book” because I could get lost in it and miss stuff and 5 hours is like 5 minutes, right? (that is a part of “time blindness”, am I mistaken? – never really related to that on a deeper level but the longer it think about it, the more stuff comes to my mind that could be part of it lol / like I always at least try to) get ready when I want to visit my grandparents, it’s like a ten minute walk so I need at least 45 minutes to prepare. Example: want to be there at 14:00 so I should go to the bathroom around 13:15 the latest, bathroom always takes long ‘cause I get distracted, so I then somehow get going around 13:50 – spoiler: I need more like at least 15 minutes not less then 10 to get to my grandparents by foot – and where is the time? I got out of the bathroom somewhere before 13:40 most of the time – I do the exact same things every time and sometimes I’m like: oh, it’s like 13:25/13:30, why would I think I need so much time to get ready? And then most often I need longer – and no, then I start to got even earlier (bathroom is like the first thing in the routine I do before I have to leave the house) and somehow it is now 13:45 and I just leave the bathroom – HOW??)

Okay, MSWord tells me, I have written like almost a 1100 words and haven’t even looked at my 11 page document – sorry (can I even write that many words in an ask at tumblr?)

Another thing I found is RSD – of my god (I usually don’t like to use it like that but omg), that explains so much – don’t want to write too much (missed quite a few “too”s I think lol hope you understand anyway) – I really react so intense to small, constructive criticism and I didn’t (don’t) understand why; and question everything; I remember everything I did wrong (so many “small” things but I’m such bad at human sometimes) and the feels and oh no, I didn’t even do something wrong, my coworker/sort-of-not-really-friend told me how I could have slightly improved what I did: I’m such a bad human, I can’t do anything right and they won’t want to have to do anything with me again – thank you brain, not helpful. One other thing was, like I asked for one weekend of and I wasn’t allowed to take it ‘cause they planned to or already shifted an event (couldn’t really focus on that) to that weekend and I didn’t know it and when they said “no”, in that situation I could have lost it, I was almost in tears (you do not cry in public lol) and thought, how could I even ask that and be soo egoistic (along the lines of that).

This next one is just the text copied from a post but that is like exactly what it is for me:

“I literally thought all the symptoms were the default way a brain works, so you’re telling me some of you can “choose” what to pay attention to? Like, if you know you absolutely have to listen to and remember something you just “can” even if you don’t like it?

And if you’re at a restaurant and three other tables are having conversations you don’t just automatically absorb everything they’re saying?

And if you know you have to do something within the next hour it won’t just remind you of a different subject entirely which reminds you of another different subject entirely and you don’t just take you three days to remember the original thing you were doing????”

so true lol.

Found another post with autism signs in adults (that my have been missed as kids), I took out everything I don’t really relate to (like 5 or 6 things lol):

-          may constantly rehears conversations or interactions

-          may feel as though you are always on stage

-          may have a few close friends, not many acquaintances

-          may struggle with other people breaking rules (RULES ARE ABSOLUT – HOW CAN YOU BREAK THEM?)

-          may often fidget, chew, tap, or other repetitive behaviors

-          may get more or less upset at something than is “appropriate”

-          may struggle to adjust when plans change without warning

-          may have routines that don’t seem to have a real purpose

-          may struggle in situations that are unfamiliar

-          may be a very picky eater with few preferred foods

-          may struggle with noises, touching, or sensory input

-          may struggle to process visual or auditory information

-          may struggle to settle body down enough for restful sleep (though I now have a weighted blanket and that’s soo awesome, it really helps at least a bit (don’t wake up that often at night anymore))

-          may struggle to keep track of a fast conversation

-          may take jokes very literally, and not understand teasing

-          may miss sarcasm or subtleties while others are speaking

I understand teasing, I can more or less successful tease and be sarcastic but I’m not sure if people are teasing me. I do not prefer to communicate via text or email. It is still very stressful for me - a telephone is also bad (tone and stuff, not understanding the words correct and not even seeing the other person and in person is also bad – so no to communication and/or interaction lol)

I could provide example for everything but I’m at around 1700 words and just no.

Didn’t really mention sensory stuff, another post I found: “basically, your day-to-day sensory input shouldn’t be causing you distress. sounds wild, i know, but it’s not neurotypical for the stimuli (be it sound, touch, visual, etc etc) you encounter on a day-to-day basis to make you unhappy. also, if busy shopping malls or crowded parties consistently cause you distress or agitation, that’s a neurodiverse thing. it sounds strange, but apparently but yeah, it’s normal for most people to expect to be comfortable in their day to day surroundings.”

Like on one level, I knew it couldn’t be quite “normal” to be always uneasy in “normal” day to day surroundings but like, I can’t understand how people can not find it hard to be in such environment (I heard some enjoy it even, like HOW?).

Random interjection ‘cause I wanted to say something to thing from the beginning: * “Allistics do not “prepare” in order to socialize.  They do not have scripts.  They do not write them, memorize them, or use them.  They just magically know what to say. “ yeah, wow, didn’t realise that for a long time, and it is really magically. But somehow they can; I still ask my mom to help me write emails (more or less important ones) ‘cause it’s hard and she’s always like: “we do it so often, why do you still need help, just write” – not helpful and we didn’t do it actually ‘cause it is a complete different situation now lol every new email is a new thing… I need to think about what to say to the cashier every damn time I’m in the supermarket lol; if I don’t have to talk, someone else orders for me (they thinks I’m lazy or so, I don’t know but it’s so hard and you know what to do, so you can do it lol)

And that executive dysfunction thingy also explains a lot – I mean, I like languages, I’m just not good at that speaking/hearing the words thing – still, I learn Ancient Greek as a sort of hobby (I mean, I learn it for so long now, it’s too late to stop, that would be weird and it is really interesting, just really hard) and I needed like 7 hours to do the work (like, got out of bed, got breakfast, started the computer and did like 30 minutes of working, then did some stuff on the internet for like an hour and then ate my forgotten breakfast, then did some more browsing (I need to do the work cause I have to send it to my teacher this evening lol) some work for like almost an hour, some more phone, a bit of work – and so on. I did some work (but like so many people would have done more or needed less time lol) – anyway I know I really need to work on the language and I just… don’t. arg, that sucks so much, every week I think, I could start doing things on Saturday and then everyday a bit so I have like six days to do some work and every time it’s Thursday and I’m like, lol 10 hours for doing a weeks work. And it’s not like I could focus for that 10 hours – except when I can but sadly it’s almost never on the things I *need* to do. Anyway if my parents hadn’t provided dinner, I wouldn’t have eaten more than breakfast today – anyways sometime I want ice cream or other stuff and I just… can’t do it like I’m sitting here for an hour now, I’m so freaking bored and I just want ice cream but do I move? Nope, and doing something to not feel bored? Nope. I also mean to get my thingy for my wrist ‘cause I have some problems and typing hurts but lol, nope. An example as kid would be I needed hours to dry myself after a shower and just sit on the floor in my room doing more or less nothing or playing (I now a have strategy but yeah)

So, yeah, sorry; I think it’s quite possible that I’m autistic / have adhd, both or so – am I making things up and this is just my mind going a bit wild? (also, I’ve done some online “tests”; most of the time I get like ¾ of the maximal points, but at least always more than half the full points)

Sorry, it’s a messy, long thing but I need a bit of an advice or so – just, like “yeah, could be possible” or “nope.”

Thanks if you made it to the end! 20.08.2020

PS. could write so much more in my mind but nope. i think one can get my point. otherwise just ask me

PPS. actually talked with my grandmother about it, lol, she said, it would explain some things she wondered about lol (never thought i would talk in real life with someone about it but i really needed to talk about my thoughts and then i couldn’t shut up and i was so worried but she is kinda cool with it? though she doen’t really know anything about the topic except what i told her so yeah. i acually have no clue how to approach my mum (even if it isn’t autism/adhd or so, i think i have to talk about how i tick a bit lol) (sorry, just had to write it a least lol)

so sorry, needed a part two (cause brain is stupid)

Okay, part two (I’m so sorry) (now it is the 21st of August 2020)

There is so much more I can write about: sorry, again like 1300 words.

Like, special interests – I have no idea; as I kid my teacher had to regularly remind me that I have to leave the classroom for break – cause I was so into my book that I didn’t hear anyone leaving the room or the bell; now I can get really invested in some fanfictions (if I have like five days for myself and nothing to do, it is like 3 books without a break) and I’m at a point where I don’t find (good) new stuff and read the same fanfic again and again (I know exactly what will happen and still love it), sometimes I don’t read it for like a few weeks or month and then like 5 times back to back. I absolutely love Doctor Who (but I’m not excessively obsessive or so and don’t know that many facts just some), just can ramble for a few minutes (okay, everyone who would listen speaks German and my main input for Doctor Who is English, so hard to translate that and stuff). Well back to books: I love them; even though I can’t properly focus much these day, I love them, I need them: but why? I hate that when book covers changes or the side of the book like it’s: publisher, name of book, author and the next book is like name of the book, publisher, author and all is mixed up or the symbol of the publisher is slightly different: why? Can’t it be consistent? Why??.

Routines, rituals and stuff. Yeah, I have for example this one street (they repaired the street but there is a small crack now), I have to cross it on the side that is where the street crosses another and then the last 3 steps have to be on the other side and the fourth is stepping on the sidewalk (I really can’t do it any other way and I hate this one car that always blocks the crack a bit – it shouldn’t be standing there ‘cause it’s almost directly in the crossing lol) when I still was going to school, my way home was very specific and one time there was a building/construction site (just some repairs or work on the pipe lines in the ground) and the first time I saw this I was stressed after a long day of school and almost lost it right there and then, because I couldn’t walk my normal way (and yes, at home I cried at bit); for the next few weeks my way back home was hell. I have some specific routines for the bathroom and showering (though most people have that, right?). I have to pack my things and then my stuff like keys and such in the same way every time. When I need a walk I have like two (or three) routes I can take and I have to do them and almost can’t change them after I started (I can though it really throws me off and I don’t feel really well after that). One time – cause Covid-19 and stuff – you need to use a shopping cart where I live in order to enter the supermarket (so you keep more distance) – so, I went to the market by foot and had everything planned, shortly before I am at the store I realise I don’t have a “chip” (thingy you need to use the shopping cart; don’t know if you know what I mean) and I lost it – my plans and routine how I go shopping to that market (if by foot) was ruined – went back home and cried and raged like for an hour (went later again, cause I really needed stuff and I couldn’t leave that thing open, that also feels… not good – had to finish the walking “round”: to the store, store, back home)

One thing I mentioned before: sensory stuff; yeah, not a fan of “loud” noises (it isn’t always the loudness but more the number of noises). Water in my face (nope, hate it, never under the shower and like a sponge or so is horror (like everywhere on my body), just clean water is okay (but please, I can’t have had soap like right before on my hands)), lights is a day to day thing (though if I’m tired / close to what I think is sensory overload, either the room I’m in gets like darker or lights up so much it’s not tolerable anymore (then I know, I really, really have to leave the room and not see or hear anybody anything anymore)), and food, yeah (everything has its place on my plate and please don’t touch), I’m a really “picky” eater and I absolutely despise like cooked or baked fruits (some vegetables too) (they feel soo weird in my mouth… and taste bad… but the texture alone is… really, really bad) (if I wait a bit more, I could think of more but you get the gist I think)

One thing that throws me off: Since I’m 14 years old, I do some stuff with youth groups like mostly work in the church as a volunteer (like in the (school)holidays going a vacation with a group and such things) – I needed like three years (I was and still am seen as shy, mostly) to really “lead” a group (I really am good at imitating the others that can lead a group, I think) and now after I finished school and am doing a “Freiwilliges Soziales Jahr (FSJ)” (voluntary social year) (basically I “work” for a year in a social job (sorry, no idea how to explain it in English) and get not much money (that’s the volunteering-part, but ‘cause I work full-time (38.5 hours a week on paper), I get a bit of money)) – and now I applied for studying for working in a social job – can’t really explain it but important is that I would/will have to work with people and stuff, like my job is to create/plan activities for people (like for example, a meeting every week for old people, free-time activities for teenagers or so). On one level I somehow like that working with people (as long as I know what I do, I had time to plan and everything happens more or less as I imagined/planned), on another level I absolutely… well not hate it… but it is really taxing for me and sometimes I really question myself but then other people say, do it, you’re good at it – and I’m like: yeah? I sometimes feel terrible and have no idea what’s going but okay, good that you don’t see that?! Am I not totally awkward and what? Still, have no clue what I would do instead of that lol (sorry, explained that whole thing real bad; just ask, if something is unclear)

So, two options: either I fake everything I wrote before that last thing and how would that work? Or I’m really good at faking that last thing and how? I have no idea and yeah, I had to write that – can both work? Like, it’s not like that I’m always (really) comfortable doing that social stuff but on the other hand, a bit adrenaline and anxiety makes the life more fun or something like that (and it’s not like, yeay, one time a certain situation managed and the next time I can navigate that somewhat same situation, nope, it’s like nothing ever happened before and that’s… annoying?)

Sorry again to bother you. Thanks for reading

21.08.2020

PS. I will probably think of something new every few hours but that’s enough for now I think lol – sorry

PPS. And sorry for my bad English and explaining… language is hard (not like I could write it better in my native language lol)

_______________________________________________________________

First, I will never, ever, ever judge someone based on how good their English is, whether English is their first language or not.  People communicate the best they can, and that’s all that counts, and it does not matter if it’s “perfect”.

So I can’t address every detail you brought up, because this was a LOT!  I did read all of it though, and the general impression I get is that you’re right, you probably have ADHD, and possibly autism as well, though I am not a doctor and I can’t diagnose you.

You asked a few times if you could be “faking” it, and the answer to that I can say for certain: No, you are not faking.  What you told me here are your life experiences.  I just read a story of “How life is like” for you, and it was not fiction, this is your real perspective about how your brain sees the world.  This is not fake.  This is who you are, and I felt what you wrote was very open and honest, the exact opposite of fake.

Sorry, it’s a messy, long thing but I need a bit of an advice or so – just, like “yeah, could be possible” or “nope.”

Based on your experiences that you shared, I’d say it’s more than likely you have ADHD.  You talk often about trying to complete a task and losing your focus before it’s finished:

Anyway if my parents hadn’t provided dinner, I wouldn’t have eaten more than breakfast today – anyways sometime I want ice cream or other stuff and I just… can’t do it like I’m sitting here for an hour now, I’m so freaking bored and I just want ice cream but do I move? Nope, and doing something to not feel bored? Nope. I also mean to get my thingy for my wrist ‘cause I have some problems and typing hurts but lol, nope. An example as kid would be I needed hours to dry myself after a shower and just sit on the floor in my room doing more or less nothing or playing (I now a have strategy but yeah)

This is all very suggestive of ADHD.  You also had some symptoms that could be autism, but it seems like the ADHD is more prominent for you and is affecting you more (keep in mind, I’m only a stranger on the internet, I could be totally wrong).

I’m really happy that you were able to share these thoughts with your grandmother, and that she was open to listening to you about them, even if she didn’t have all the facts.  

I know you said it would be a long wait, and very difficult, to get an appointment with a professional.  But I do really think you should be tested for ADHD.  Maybe your grandmother can help you talk to your mum about it, or maybe your grandmother can make all those phone calls for you (because believe me, I know how difficult it is to make phone calls, they are just as hard for me).  Even if you have to wait a year, it would be worth it to know- and also, because in the case of ADHD, there is medication which can help you.  So it would be really worth it for you to get that, even if you have to wait a long time.

You’re obviously a very detail-oriented, thoughtful person, and I know that you’ve studied this subject inside and out.  You’re not faking, you’re not making it up.  These are your experiences, and they are the truth, and you deserve to be tested if you want to be.  

Disorders and Relationships

I am not a very good girlfriend. My s/o might try to say that I’m sweet and cute and understanding and make an effort and all of that (these are in fact things that they have told me before, not things that I think justify my other behaviors), but the fact is that I am not an easy person to love. What I’m about to talk about doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships, by the way, I’m just using examples and talking in the context of my romantic relationship because that’s what is on my mind at the moment.

Here are 2 things about me that are probably important for context here:

I have been in my current romantic relationship for about 15 months now

My s/o and I both have various mental disorders and my own diagnoses include anxiety, depression, and ADHD. Most of the things I’m going to be talking about have to do mostly with my ADHD.

As previously stated, I’m not exactly an easy person to be in a relationship with. I tend to lose track of time and can be very forgetful, and I sometimes forget to actually say things out loud. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said the phrase “I don’t say this enough but I promise I think it/it’s true” to my s/o, because it’s something I do a lot. I forget to actually tell them how I feel about them, what I think about them, what I love about them, what I appreciate about them, etc. A lot of this is because of how ADHD affects my working memory. Basically, for me, a lot of things are sort of “out of sight, out of mind”, and that includes people. It isn’t because I don’t care about people, it’s just that my brain works in a way that I don’t remember that people 

Exist

Might want to talk to me/hear from me

Might need me to actually tell them that I do in fact love them and care about them and this is why

Because of this, I will forget to text even my closest friends for days, weeks, even months sometimes if they don’t text me first. My s/o and I used to try to combat this by saying that we would always call each other on Wednesdays. We could of course talk other times if we were free and felt like it, but Wednesday was designated Call Ray Day. Unfortunately, we got out of the habit. Something that especially didn’t help was that my sense of time is Wack. Basically, my sense of time is similar to my working memory: something is either Now or Not now. I am often uncertain as to what day it is, how much time has passed, how long it takes to do things, how long I have to do a thing, etc.

The fact that I have almost no sense of time also contributes to why it is that I forget to text and call people; I simply don’t realize how much time has passed. I have no clue if my s/o came over to meet my cats last weekend or two weeks ago or a month ago. Something could have happened yesterday and I’ll think it happened 2 weeks ago, and it can go the other way around as well. I also just forget a lot of things. I once got onto some Zoom call, probably recently but I have no clue, and when asked how my day was, I answered that I wasn’t sure because I couldn’t actually remember most of it. I said “I think led virtual Shabbos services this morning?” (I guess this must have been a Saturday) and was met with a confused response of, “You aren’t sure?” and the truth was that I wasn’t. I could not be 100% sure about whether that had happened earlier that day, or a week ago, or if it actually wasn’t Saturday anymore but was actually Tuesday and that event had happened 3 days ago. So yeah, I forget things a lot and often need someone else to be the first person to reach out or I might not talk to someone for months and I’ll think it’s only been a few days, maybe a week.

I get very preoccupied and distracted. This almost seems like it should be obvious because, duh, 2 of the letters in ADHD stand for “Attention Deficit”. The attention just isn’t really there sometimes. That’s not quite how it works though. I hyperfocus on things for both short and long periods of time. Hyperfocusing basically means that when I focus on something, I’m all in. I don’t notice what’s going on around me, I don’t notice time passing, I don’t notice my body telling me to eat and drink. When I’m hyperfocusing, I don’t remember to check my messages and respond to people, and this includes important people like my s/o. I can also sometimes get preoccupied or distracted while we’re talking to each other. I’ll be talking about something and get off track and end up rambling about something unrelated for 10 minutes until my s/o reminds me that I’ve lost the original point. I also have to ask people to repeat themselves when talking, partly because I space out a lot, and partly because my brain will latch onto any small noise and say “Hey there’s a thing!” and suddenly I’ve missed half of what someone just said to me. 

There are probably so many other things I could add about ways that ADHD as well as my other disorders affect my life and my relationships. Things like how depression sometimes renders me unable to convince myself to get out of bed for hours, making me late to things because I didn’t leave my self enough time to get ready (lack of a sense of time also doesn’t help with this). Things like how my anxiety makes me struggle to be open with my s/o about my experiences and trauma and the things that make me who I am and probably explain some of my other weird quirks. I could probably make a whole separate post about how I accidentally suppressed most of my emotions for years on end and now I struggle to identify and express emotions because I sort of forgot how to let myself feel emotions. Things like that have made it so I respond to a lot of things with logic and reasoning, which isn’t always what someone needs. I’m not good at remembering that not all people approach things the way I do, so I need to remember to ask someone how they want me to approach whatever is going on, and if they are looking for me to say something specific. Basically, I can be a mess.

I don’t often sit down and think about all the ways my disorders affect me and my behaviors and actions. I never really had a conversation with my s/o where I explained to them that I am ADHD and these are things that will happen because of that. I don’t realize when I do a lot of these things, and for a while, I hadn’t taken the time to think about how my disorders could affect others. Despite probably not knowing what they were getting into, my s/o has been so unbelievably understanding and encouraging and helpful every time I realize I’ve made a mistake or forgotten to call or text or tell them something. They have reassured me every time I tell them “I am neurodivergent and it probably is the main reason for this thing I do and I’m sorry”. Their level of understanding when it sometimes feels to me like I’m just blaming things on my ADHD is one of the things I love most about them. They get that I’m not trying to blame every mistake on my disorders. They understand that I don’t even understand/realize all the ways I’m affected and I won’t even realize these weird quirks and things about me until after the fact. Part of why they understand so well is because they are also neurodivergent, and while we don't have the same disorders and are often affected in very different ways by our various disorders, they can understand better than most people that having a mental disorder can and will affect every aspect of your life, even if you don’t realize it at first.

I’ve come to realize that having any kind of disorder, be it mental, physical, mild, severe, etc., can and likely will affect your relationships (all types, not just romantic). This is not your fault. It’s just how you work, and people need to respect that. I wrote this post after a conversation with my s/o in which I had rambled on about what makes them a good s/o in my mind because it was brought to my attention that I had once again forgotten to tell them these things. I then tried to once again explain that if anything, I’m the bad girlfriend because I’m the one who will forget to text and call and tell my s/o all these things I love about them and all these things that make them wonderful. I added that my ADHD is probably frustrating for them and for other people who know me. I then said, “It may seem like I use ADHD as an excuse a lot and I promise I’m not trying to”. They told me this:

“Having any disorder is a full-time job and symptoms can get to be a lot. I of all people get that. We just have to remember that symptoms aren’t our fault and that we are still learning to cope with them.”

I will probably always be learning how to cope with symptoms of my various disorders. I will probably have to work more on recognizing and remembering symptoms, and also remembering that while there are definitely things I should be taking responsibility for, my symptoms are not my fault. Your symptoms are not your fault. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. You are beautiful and amazing as you are, and that includes all of your quirks, accommodations you may need, Special Interests you may ramble about, days where you may not be able to function on your own, things you may need help with, etc., etc., etc. All of it. All of it is YOU, and anyone who wants to love you will learn not to love you despite these traits and things, but love the things that make you so uniquely you. The same goes for you too. Learn to love these things about you. Love yourself for who you are. Love yourself for how you function, how you think, how you move, how you look, how you love others. Love it all. And when you can’t do that, because sometimes you can’t and that’s okay too, remember that I love you no matter what.

Now go drink some water. <3<3<3

Submission from 🌺

I don’t know about having DID or OSDD. I feel if anything OSDD would be more likely tho due to me still being conscious usually idk. My therapist has noted down “Dissociative Symptoms” for me thus far alongside depression and anxiety. I however dont think I even have bad enough trauma for it? I dont remember most of my childhood. Only things I KNOW caused trauma before I was 7 was my mom yelling a lot, at the time also hitting/spanking me as well as possibly the fact she (1/? 🦚🌺)

washed out my mouth with soap at that age. Like when I said swear words and stuff. I doubt that’s bad enough tho. Things that I can’t remember/ remember fully happening but have been told or know happened was my grandmother apparently spanking me until I cried myself to sleep as an infant, my bullying starting at 6-7yo which carried on into my late teens… and 2 of my best friends being the ones to start it. Also loosing contact with another best friend in kindergarten affected me (2/?🦚🌺)

For s long time after. He wasn’t good at German so he got moved to another kindergarten that would teach him. Tho I don’t think I can consider a friend being ripped from me like that trauma? Idk. There is more traumatic stuff I actually semi recall but that was all when I was over 7 which I think is the latest for a kids brain to develop DID/OSDD. So idk if anything was bad enough and honestly don’t want to self diagnose even tho I’ve been suspicious (3/?🦚🌺)

(reason why I say parts instead of Alters) EitherWayThingsGotWorseAndMyMotherLiterallyThrethenedMeWithMurderAndSaidAllMyFriendsShouldCommitSuicide. Everytime I freeze in my fight/flight/freeze/fawn response and then sometimes fawn happens if I am locked somewhere where they cant reach me. Here only freeze tho. She stood right ahice me who was cowering in a corner and kept saying I literally can’t get up and walk off and then screamed st her to not touch me (4?/? I cant count hhhh 🌺🦚)

She claimed I would just try to sue her if she dared touch me and then mocked me because I cant call people about how she needs to call the police on herself FOR me. I literally haven’t wanted to kill myself that badly as this day in a bit and I honestly am shaking just thinking about it. Like I said ice pretty much almost fully diagnosed depression and anxiety, professionally assumed dissociative symptoms and on top of that not professionally assumed autism tho mom and I assume (5/?🌺🦚)

It for different reasons. She because of how I shut down when a situation is too much and how I cant handle being tasked with multiple things at once/breaking the order of what I’m doing and I due to how I struggle to read human emotions and realizing how to function like a normal person. I can accidentally completely hurt someone and be completely oblivious to it, doing it again and again until told off. And then I accidentally hurt them in another way because I’m scared I’ll do (6/?🌺🦚)

It again. Example: I’m bety clingy due to trauma in my mid teens regarding some friends. I didn’t realize I was being too much until my friend distanced herself causing me to break down in fear of loosing her. She admitted I had been too clingy. I ended up distancing myself - scared of overwhelming her again if I talk to her. It took me 2 whole months to even tell her I love her again. Now she admitted I’ve been a bit too distant which I already was aware of but still (7?/?🌺🦚)

I literally didn’t even dare ask her how she is doing for TWO MONTHS thinking she would leave me if I started clinging again. I hyper fixated on her a lot last year which I realized when she said it was too much. I’m slowly trying to at least check up on her again. I beg her to communicate to me if I fuck up ANYTHING because I literally am blind to it but I feel she thinks she hurts me if she does. What more am I supposed to do than tell her “hey I cant understand normal human (8/?🌺🦚)

interaction so please tell me if I’m being weird!”? Like I said before, I don’t want to self diagnose. It’s just that this plus generally my hyper fixations with people and games/shows is a little suspicious in the long run if that makes sense. My brother also has adhd so it’s not as if its impossible for some other stuff to be in our family, y'know? I’ll see where therapy takes me for now tho. I started rambling again, didn’t I? Sorry about that! (8?/?🦚🌺)

But yeah in short I’ve trauma but most is from after the “requirement” age for DID/OSDD plus I’ve many other mental issues either confirmed or suspected. Who knows maybe my mother is right and I belong locked up in a mental institution from the movies instead of how they actually are. According to her I’m just a disgusting liar who deserves to be suffocated anyways. — Also I’ve honestly kept asking myself if I’m just making up the parts. I used to have imaginary friends as a kid (9/?🦚🌺)

Who my mother forbid me to talk to as I was being “weird”. Maybe it’s just that again? Or maybe I’m not making it up and some of those imaginary friends were parts? Idk. What I know is that one of them literally was more like a mother to me than my own mother. I recently had a dream about them - before the parts returned really - where I called that one imaginary friend “mom” and said I missed her. I cried. I didn’t want to wake up.I struggle to stay on track with this I’m sorry (10/?🦚🌺)

Either way, I apolagize for rambling, being a mess and being all over the place. I honestly just made myself cry again at this rate and yeah… I kinda banned 2 of my browsers from sending aska for an hour rip (final)🦚🌺

Hey there again!

Please don’t feel bad at all for talking so much and every now and again rambling. I am glad that you feel comfortable and safe in speaking with us as it’s so important that you do have someone you can talk to regardless of what you may need/ want to say.

In regards to the trauma that you have endured both as a child and whilst growing up, it’s important that you know that we all handle trauma differently from others and sometimes, even a little bit of trauma that feels like nothing can have lifelong impact on you and who you grow up to be. I also do not think that you belong in a mental health hospital long term either, whether you believe it or not you are doing the very best you can right now and right now that’s enough. Just remember that talking can be so helpful no matter if it’s your therapist you talk to, a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling, a close friend or even us! Never feel like you aren’t good enough to be able to talk to another, you’re so important in life and you deserve the very best!

In regards to possible diagnosis’ that you may have, it can be quite hard at times to be properly diagnosed by a professional as some diagnosis’ may have the same or similar symptoms as another and not only this but sometimes a diagnosis can also coexist with another making symptoms that you may be having worse and consequently blurring what diagnosis you may have. Does that make sense?

I’m so sorry that your Mum treats you as she does, you do not deserve this at all. Have you been able to talk to anyone about this as yet?

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please know that you are not alone and that I’m thinking of you!

Take care,

Lauren

um this got like really really long lmao (feel free to just post like a cut off version so it doesn’t clog up ppls dash lol) kind of super embarrassed about how long it is but…. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i got a lot to say, i hope that’s okay

Haha, you’re completely fine, sweetheart! I am gonna put it under the cut so that it doesn’t end up taking a lot of space on someone’s dash ❤️

Can i pls get a matchup? :3 I’m a bi girl, 5’6 with longish wavy red hair, blue eyes and lots of freckles cuz i always forget to reapply sunscreen lol pretty much always have a sunburn during the summer. I’m a INFP, and a libra. I’ve got a major case of ADHD, lots of energy and horrible at focusing, lots of fidgeting all the time (mostly the leg bounceTM and tapping things) (also got that anxiety/depression thing goin on).

I’m not super social, I hate big parties, I don’t have a Lot of friends, but the friends I do have I’m really close to and would trust with my life (I’m kind of really selective with who i befriend). If i don’t like a person, they will be able to Tell, I don’t go out of my way to be mean to them but,, it’s a bit obvious. I’m the fun friend, always getting people to laugh and smile and be happy, and I’m super loyal to my friends, ride-or-die kind of gal. I also tend to be the one that people lean on, or turn to if the need any advice or comfort. I’m also really close with my family, love them with all my heart and would do anything for them.

I love to play the piano and sing (pretty good at the first one, not so much the second lol) and i tend to do that when I’m feeling stressed out or sad and it helps a lot. I’m currently in college studying geography and cartography and I’m like a super nerd about it lol. I love to go hiking in the mountains where i live and go swimming in the rivers, and when I’m staying at my family home I go to the beach all the time, my fave summer tradition is having bonfire parties on the beach with my friends where we just swim and build sand castles all day and then roast hot dogs and marshmallows (some of my fave memories of high school were on the beach super late at night around the campfire). I am pretty active, i used to be super into sports in high school but now i’m not really, I used to swim competitively for like 8 years, and I also was part of a rowing team for a couple years, and I really loved it, trying to get back into it but i’m way too out of shape rn lmao. I also love baseball, watching it and playing it (but mostly i just watch) (go giants). I love music, fave genres being rock/alt rock/punk/pop, and I loooove going to concerts, i’ve been to at least 30 by now lol I’m pretty much always got music playing, my fave band is fall out boy (i’m basic i know lol).

my grades have always been…. Super average. Not because I don’t understand what I’m being taught but because I never really did my homework, i would always procrastinate and especially with big projects, if it wasn’t absolutely perfect I hated it and would be constantly stressed about it and then just not do it so :/ (this is still true a little in college but i’m getting much better and just getting things done, and i like to have friends with me while i’m working so they can yell at me if i get distracted).

This got really really long so i’m just gonna stop now lmao (i like to talk about myself lol is it obvious??) (ive never done a matchup request before but i like yours because you put so much thought into them i couldnt resist thank you love you)

hi, love! Before I start, the fact that you let me know about that ^^ literally makes me so happy and is one of the only reasons I still accept match-ups. I know what I was like sending my first match-up request in and I was a nervous wreck. Which is why I sincerely mean it when I say that I am deeply sorry for how long this took to get back to you. Thank you for sending this in and I love you too 💕

SO, it may seem kind of weird but I actually ship you with Pidge (adjusted to your age, of course, bc we don’t do support pedophilia in this Christian household, no thank you)! However, if the fact that Pidge is (canonically) still a teen bothers you, I can and will match you with someone else!

Appearance reason: most people do the whole “your freckles make constellations” thing, but Pidge said “nah, they’re compounds and mixtures lol” what a nerd. She’ll look for one that matches the formula for sugar just to say “hey, you’re pretty sweet”. Also, she feels the sunburn comment on a personal level bc she too is pretty much always burnt somewhere, it’s not fair.

Mentality reason: Pidge is no stranger to mental health disorders such as ADHD, anxiety, and depression. Whatever she can do for you, she’ll do, no questions asked. While she is more knowledgeable about the physical sciences, she can quickly pick up the psychological (and biological, but I think that’s a physical science) aspect of mental health disorders, and, if there’s something that she can make to help you, she will. One of those is definitely creating a portable mini-piano so you can tap away at that, using some energy and even creating a little music.

Introvert reason: Pidge is 100% definitely an introvert, and, while with the right company she might enjoy a party, she’ll tend to spend the night in. So, you two are pretty much aligned when it comes to those kinds of nights, you know? You just keep each other company, often in silence, and that’s more than enough.

Personality reason: Pidge is someone who has trouble relying on others. She’s so much of a “I can do this myself so watch me do it better than you” kind of attitude, and, while she’s amazing, even she needs someone whom she can rely on. Your personality tends to naturally bring that out of her. Before anything else, you two are best friends, and you’d do anything for each other. Because of that bond, Pidge feels able to come and talk to you about things that she really can’t with anyone else.

Hobby reason: Pidge is totally just in awe of your musical abilities even if you’re not as confident in them yourself. She loves listening to you playing the piano or even singing along quietly to whatever song is playing. With other people, Pidge prefers to work in the quiet (unless she’s discussing something or explaining something), but she loves to just hear you faintly in the background like a distant record player. ALSO, as the Guardian of Nature, she’s exploring new ways to connect with nature, so she’ll often accompany you whenever you’re going out to the mountains. She will most definitely be complaining for part of it because it’s too hot and there’re so many bugs, but she’ll always go because she loves spending time with you even if she can’t always keep up. Rivers and beaches aren’t necessarily her domain, but she still enjoys being in water (especially if she’s sweaty as frick from all of that walking). While you may be actually swimming, she’ll probably just be in the water, floating along somewhere… she does like the bonfire idea as it’s much less strenuous, and it’s fun to be with everyone whether that’s just you or the whole Voltron crew.

Education reason: lol, I had no idea what to call this so here ya go. Basically, Pidge adores your brilliance when it comes to anything that you’re interested in (in this case, geography and cartography). Especially if you’re drawing maps of the places that y’all visit through space, she’ll be there with papers and pencils and any drawing tools you might need. She just loves seeing how it all turns out in the end, especially since it’s like a mix of science and art and WOW you can do BOTH so well !! And she’s definitely a huge (?) help when it comes to procrastination. A little bit of a hypocrite sometimes because she tends to get distracted herself if it’s not something she’s genuinely interested in. But, she will definitely be there to help keep you on track if you’re losing focus or motivation, and she will also offer to help in any way, shape, or form that she can. She wants you to do your best but also not stress so much about it because, sometimes, imperfections are better than any perfect thing out there. Y’all also have a deal where you can switch off rambling about what you’re passionate about, it’s cute and wholesome 💕 you guys are literal best friends which is so nice to be with your significant other.

sorry!! I was the one who sent the anon about the development, and yeah, I meant how their character changed as the story went on. but also, what were some things that changed from the initial starting point in the story?

okay, not a problem! let’s do this. my random three picks: zoeya, lalna, and parvis. i’ll think about maybe doing posts for the others but shoves that onto future self. thank you for clarifyingthis ask! it was a pleasure to answer, and apologies for how long this got.

zoeya

her role is basically a xenobiologist traveling to pandora to research fauna and flora. unfortunately, her assistants continued to ditch her given the dangerous nature of the work.

working solo, zoeya continued after many setbacks and was close to giving up after rythian left (for different reasons than what she’d assume though). and then teep showed up.

zoeya’s bubbly, sunny and talkative personality unnerves a lot of people since you’d think all that would be ground out of her at the end of the first day but nope. zoeya’s greatest strength is in her persistence. she never needed coddling, which almost everyone made the mistake of doing since they also assume she’s naive. she proves them wrong later since death (and to a lesser extent, suffering and pain) is a part of life, which is showcased often in her field.

that said, her greatest weakness is her self doubt and insecurities, whether it’s about herself, her job or her relationships. she has a lot of unspoken anxieties on a daily basis, which hinders her ability to function. she shows signs of adhd too; this is especially evident in the scene where teep shows up and her life is a big Mess, from the way she organises her paperwork, her constant clutter and chaotic workflow.

she has a positive impact on teep and vice versa. for the longest time, she couldn’t open up, and now she has this extraordinary assistant who can actually read her handwriting, is not a wimp about foreign bodily fluids, can handle threats without a blinking an eye, can follow instructions after being told only once; yeah, teep’s her dream assistant. problem: they’re stone cold and unreceptive to her ramblings...or so it appears.

zoeya brings the best out in people; she has a grounding effect. whenever i wrote her into a scene, i had to take a different mindset than say, one i’d have for rythian, rythian is cautious, and usually doesn’t do anything without a plan. zoeya, on the other hand, is free of these restrictions. she’s a very emotional person, which plays off nicely against a bigger backdrop of stoic, reserved and colder cast.

she was never intended as a ‘oh, i’m here for you, always!’ sidelines character which is a cliche role; she takes direct actions throughout borderlandscast, such as being the first outsider to see rythian’s mutilated back. she reacts with a little bit of horror, but ultimately reaches out with a compassionate hand. she also ran inside a burning building to get teep. she also is a frontliner in the bandit battle, at the cost of her hand.

losing her hand wasn’t intended until i browsed the old blackrock vids and hit upon the arc where rythian and co end up in the desert and she needs chocolate milk to survive, and uh, things clicked.

zoeya suffers a permanent consequence for her heroic actions in saving sanctuary hole. does she regret it? no! she does her best to move on, with the support of her loved ones. she may have been an anxious wreck throughout the whole event but she never let it stop her from doing the right thing.

lalna

lalna’s role was mysterious from the start to his companions; his concussion impeded his thoughts and rationality. slowly peeling back the real reasons how he ended up on pandora was part of the story.

he was always going to be rythian’s companion, and unfortunately, was going to betray him later. playing up to that was difficult, since i was starting from scratch in an au compared to blackrock where tensions preexisted.

lalna and rythian are both lonely people, and lonely people tend to gravitate towards each other even if their personalities are at odds. i didn’t detail lalna and rythian’s initial journey together but you can tell that they’ve gotten used to each other by the time nanosounds shows up.

i intentionally wrote lalna to be a scaredy cat but differently to nilesy, parvis and zoeya. normal people don’t cope well with being thrown onto a murderous, lawless place, let alone being stranded. lalna handles it reasonably well at first but then there’s the icing on the cake: killing other people.

thus begins lalna’s spiral into the sad mess that he becomes just before tlvh c12 happens. that ended all civilities between him and the main vault hunters.

negative character development where someone truly regrets their actions should be explored more often! lalna didn’t exactly redeem himself in the final battle but he definitely showed that he’s taking his first steps.

sometimes people try to justify doing terrible things because that’s a very human thing to do. lalnable’s own rigid moral compass was foil to lalna’s own weak, wavering one. it also provided another reason for the conflict where lalna nearly throttles him to death but chooses not to, since that’d violate his whole motive for backstabbing rythian.

lalna is driven by selfishness disguised as protective love for his twin. he’s one of the more selfish people in this au.

his loneliness likely drove him to build larry robert, a friend who’d never abandon him.

i don’t think lalna is an idiot; he’s secretly crafty and actually quick thinking, especially when it comes to his specialties. he’s impulsive though, and he doesn’t like to think about the consequences until the dust clears. this gets better closer to the end since he chooses to go back and help the vault hunters, after he provokes arsenal into beating the shit out of him. that uh, takes some serious guts.

he’ll heal his relationship with rythian eventually. where rythian would once have cut ties with lalna, rythian’s open to trying again, something that lalna is deeply grateful for.

parvis

parvis is interesting as a character since he’s so multi-faceted while still being recognisable as himself. i wrote him to be a bandit, but not a bandit, as paradoxical as that sounds.

he was designed to have every bit of confidence as possible or projecting as much; backstage, he dials back on the loudness and is a little awkward but cares deeply with all the finesse of a brick in a sock. he rivals ravs in terms of social awareness, which is how he easily picked up on will’s need for a friend.

his sewing hobby was added much later, it provides him a valuable skill since bandits probably tear up their own clothes often. plus, plenty of civilians and vault hunters could do with repairs every once in a while. being one of the friendlier bandits around, parvis has a secret reputation as a tailor. he only tries a little to deny it.

parvis intensely dislikes conflict but pretends he does, if only to keep the masses happy (his own lieutenants are bloodthirstier than he is, a rarity on pandora). okay, he might enjoy it a little but the consequences of getting hurt far outweigh the adrenaline rushes. he gets over this ridiculously fast when he’s out for blood in the name of a friend (as in the case of one will strife during the jailbreak), or if something he likes is threatened (like his precious stronghold).

as sparkles pointed out, parvis’ leadership capabilities and knack for keeping a whole bandit gang united under one flag (with a love of music, of all things) is pretty much peerless. parvis has a goddamned gift. it’s why he’s so well-liked by each of his ‘fans’, and why he’s so popular on the echonet. he gets to know all of them equally, and rarely plays favourites. he doesn’t let the attention go to his head, much.

the illliteracy part is common amongst bandits but reading sheet music doesn’t take much; parvis is very insecure and touchy about his inability to read and write, but lalnable helps him with that. he also helps parvis get over his fear of blood and pain in the most direct way possible. it’s voluntary on parvis’ part since parvis rocks up to the clinic on a daily basis since hanging out with lalnable is greater than getting nausea over drawing blood.

parvis really steps up to the plate in ‘the battle of sanctuary hole’. he has major self doubts abouts his ability to succeed in battles despite the bloody bandits’ amazing track record of occupying the dam stronghold against multiple attacks. his big, gay ‘crush’ on daltos may have factored into his decision to pick up his gun and finally jump into the fray.

the ‘crush’ part is parvis working through a complex series of feelings. as sparkles noted, parvis develops and abandons crushes very quickly (about as fast as he loses guitar picks; his one on ravs is one of his longer standing ones). it stems from wanting to get to know people; being famous fucks a lot with parvis’ ability to make genuine friends. he goes back and forth on relationships when his doubts surface.

parvis is aromantic and asexual but is grey on both counts. he doesn’t know what both orientations are called, and unless he has a ‘i like people but not in that way’ session with daltos (aro, bi), teep (aro, ace) or hybridpanda (aro, ace), he’s not in a big rush to find out.

he just wants to be friends with everybody, except for when he or they’re crossed; parvis has a big vindicative streak to him that’s a big bandit trait. fortunately, parvis is as revenge driven as panda or sjin is.

some things that changed as the story went on (off the top of my head):

length of the story and word count; did not anticipate on it spanning across six plus side stories and a main one, or over three years.

arsenal’s role in ‘the battle of sanctuary hole’; he fucked up almost as badly as daltos did, which accelerated the blitzkreig blighter’s quest for destruction and revenge. whoops. but he fixed that by diving in to save his bestue, and failed at that. nobody’s perfect! except boner.

minty! minty wasn’t envisioned until i needed someone to run concordia. martyn and turps weren’t available since they’re both land locked, but then along came minty.

elsa being a major catalyst for the complete destruction of pandora and the universe. it was a joke, but then it happened.

rythian’s relationship with the queen; he nurtured a close bond with her, which she broke when she tried to escape her vault once she got too jealous of freedom. if things had turned out differently, they could have been friends and the universe would have doomed another way.

nanosounds losing her left arm; i think i talked about this in a post a long, long time ago but the consequences of a siren losing her tattooed arm? hasn’t been seen yet, wanted to explore it.

the legendary that was dropped in the vault of the queen; its name is ‘enderbane’, and is currently in rythian’s possession after honeydew gave it to him, thus breaking the curse of ‘no vault hunter shall own a legendary’. he has no idea what it does since he hasn’t tested it out yet, and is a little afraid to do so considering it’s an eridian weapon. didn’t plan on including it as a drop but usually loot is good on a final boss, so there.

ANNOUNCEMENT OF BORDERLANDS 3!!!!!!! since borderlandscast is almost wrapped up, nothing will change content wise but since there’s a giant time gap that exists, we’ll see how i fit the epilogue in since that’s a big playground.

Marvin from the rivals au for that character thing or just in general bc I love him so much and I want to know more about him

This got so long, I’m so sorry. This is like 2k words bc if allowed to talk about this boy then i could talk Forever. Oops

(With the meme it’s here btw)

Occasional sleeptalker. Usually just incoherent babbling, andJackie finds it hilarious to listen to if he's awake for it

Can braid his own hair perfectly without any trouble. Fear him

Shows his love of certain ppl by buying them lil gifts but hatesthe confrontation and awkwardness of giving them to them so heusually just leaves them in places he knows they'll find them,usually with no indication that they're from him either

Colour codes Everything

Has his own way of organising things that makes sense to Him okaybut he can't really explain it to anyone else. It annoys poor Jamesonto no end bc he organises shit to help with his anxiety and MarvinKeeps Ruining It

His reaction to Chase and Jackie wanting to get up to impulsivefun shit is "sure, go ahead, just don't hinder whatever I'mdoing" (or sometimes he joins them) and Schneep is sodisappointed in him for not helping him keep them in check instead

Has a fuckin perfectly figured out skincare routine and he'sdragging all the others up with him

Generally v good at lazy/spa day kinda self-care

Has ADD (tho all the egos have ADD/ADHD tbh)

Chase has absolutely compared him to Mettaton X at some point andMarvin doesn't know how to react to that

Gets cold super easily and Hates It. Is an absolute lil bitchabout it and won't stop whining until he can get warm again(favourite way to do that is to cuddle Jackie, and he just goes allhappy and melty from it, but I still wouldn't try to talk to him if Iwere you. And Jackie is a good bf who puts up with Marvin's stupidcold hands and face)

Has two modes when cuddling btw, he either just lies peacefullywith someone (mostly Jackie) while having an arm draped over them orholding their hand or pressed up against them, or he turns into afuckin octopus. Good luck trying to get up, you won't succeed

Which has led to multiple instances of someone needing Jackie forsomething, only to find him unavailable bc he's completely trapped bya sleeping Marvin even if he himself is wide awake. But he enjoys ita lot too bc Hell Yes Affection and would never have the heart tomove him and wake him up

He's also p damn pointy so he's not really the most comfy personto cuddle but Oh Well

Also wakes up slow and says a lot of bullshit in the process (orstuff he'd normally filter out and not get to say, like sappy shit)

A flirty lil bitch

Knows Jackie blushes super easily and enjoys the fuck out of it.Constantly trying to figure out how little it'll take for him to beall red in the face (And he knows Jackie doesn't mind and he backsoff when he's told to. Don't worry. Consent is still there)

He on the other hand doesn't blush often so when he does it meanshe's Super Flustered

Ik i said this last night too but he knows how to dance and doesit p well tbh?? He used to dance a lot when he was a kid/teen butdropped it when he realised he was trans bc then he tried to be AsMasculine As Possible bc he felt like if he didn't he'd be "fakingit"

(Grew out of that eventually. He's so glad he did)

Insecure about more stuff than he would ever let you believe

Once he starts really caring about the other egos he tries So Hardto be good to them and secretly beats himself up sometimes for stillbeing an Asshole when he messes it up. Yeah it's angsty. He'd takehimself apart just to make it up to his friends for having been anasshole to them before

Not a morning person but he can still function if woken up early,he'll just make sure you know that he's Not happy about it

Very rarely gets dysphoric, really only if continously referred towith the wrong pronouns/gendered terms or if called his deadname

At some point he started shooting Jackie flirty looks while sayingbullshit in French (Jackie doesn't speak French) to fluster him butit got to the point where Marvin realised that if he wanted to keepdoing it he'd need to Actually Learn French instead of just spoutingthe same limited amount of bullshit all the time. And that's thestory of why he started studying a Whole Other Language

Likes flowers but knows fuck all about them

I don't think I'll ever properly type down how he got his scar sohere: before Marvin pledged alliance to the other egos, Anti alreadyassumed he would, and so he captured him and threatened to torturehim to get information out of him/possibly force him on his sideinstead. Marvin called his bluff and told him to fuck himself. Antigot angry, waved his knife a lil too close to Marvin's face duringone of his threats and ended up actually cutting him. Anti was superhappy bc holy shit I Did Something, and Marvin decided that he's hadenough and since he'd been saving his energy all this time, blew up acharge of electricity in Anti's face. He then proceeded to teleporthome (with the chair he was tied to still attached but uhh. That partof the story is a lil less dignified so shh)

Anti has had a special place in Hell for him ever since (and withthis I'm realising that Anti is actually p fuckin bad at his job??Wow)

Says he doesn't like his hair messed with. He's lying.

But you gotta be Special and Important To Him to have permissionto touch his hair (or a hairdresser I guess). But Jackie is one ofthose ppl so he can mess with Marvin's hair all he wants (he evenlearned how to braid hair just to surprise him and lemme tell you,Marvin was Absolutely v surprised) Stroke and pet his hair longenough and he'll go all melty

His teeth are a lil bit pointier than average (and Jackie is sofucking gay for that and I'm shaming him)

Used to write poetry as a teen. Don't bring it up, he'sembarrassed.

Shoves all his feelings and problems in a box and hides them inthe attic bc He Doesn't Want Them

Can sing okay but doesn't do it often bc it's not Perfect so it'sBad. Hums more often tho

He's scared of a bunch of stuff in horror movies (and triggered bysome) but No One is allowed to know that. He's glad most of theothers don't much like them either and thus they don't watch themtogether anyway. He really doesn't want others to see him scared bche thinks it'd make him look weak and ridiculous

(Yes, he double-standards himself vs other ppl a Lot. Being scaredor having bad mental health or messing up is only bad if he does it.But you didn't hear that from me.)

Pokemon is one of his biggest and longest-lasting hyperfixations

Holy shit I've never drawn him in a suit but my dudes he looks SoPretty in a well-fitted suit, Holy Fuck. Give him a lapel flower andit'll be Perfect. No one can resist that amount of charm

Knows how to walk (and even run and dance) in high heels but can'tfucking stand them (no pun intended, he just finds them reallyuncomfortable)

Will be stunned silent if anyone assumes he doesn't absolutelyAdore Jackie, both bc How Dare You and bc he's trying So Hard to be agood bf is he really That Bad at it?

Pressure is not his main stim but it's the best way to bring himout of a panic/anxiety attack and just ground him in general, espwhen he can't use his magic or doesn't think to use it. (He doesn'thave any weighted stuff so in others words: lie on him.) Once hecalms down enough he'll hopefully start doing his vital-readingmagic, which should help calm him more

(Also yeah, the whole vital-reading that I've probably talk aboutjust Way Too Much already but jic I'll mention it again anyway: hecan use his magic to read other ppl's vitals. It calms and comfortshim. He mainly does it to Jackie, who has given him blanketpermission for it)

Favourite stim is fondling with squishy things (like those foamanimal keychains??) and scraping stuff like candle wax or soap (itwould probably be chewing if he actually realised that that is aValid Stim but he Doesn't)

Has his own apartment for a while still after moving in with theother egos bc he doesn't expect it to last. He sells it about a yearlater

His job is being a magician too and doing his shows that bring inAbsolutely enough money for him to not have to get another job or doshows like every other night. Ppl don't know he has Actual MagicPowers which makes a lot of things easier for him

His masks are all self-made bc he didn't wanna chance lettinganyone else do it, and he's had many less fabulous ones before bc healways wants Better. The gold patterns on the one I've drawn him withbefore are covered in glitter. He has a couple other ones he usestho, all different styles and shapes and colours for the sake ofvariety. He always wears matching make-up (mainly eye make-up andlipstick) for his shows

The scoreboard on the fridge (a piece of paper where they trackevery time him and Jackie defeat each other in Anything At All) washis idea, but it was Jackie who drew the stick figure renditions ofthe two of them on it (so it was a joint effort, really. Yeah,ironic. Or typical)

Has no shame when it comes to PDA as long as it isn't suggestive,but Jackie is a lot less sure about it (esp when out in public) soofc he respects that

That also means that if Jackie decides to hold his hand in publiche gets So Fucking Giddy you have No Idea and also you wouldn'tbelieve it even if you saw

Speaking of giddy. If you manage to get him to start talking aboutJackie (not a hard thing to achieve tbh) he will get so happy andgiddy and excited and Will Not Shut Up okay. Or at least it'll takehim a While to realise that he's rambling and has completely shed hiscool exterior. He just really loves his bf okay and he kinda justwants everyone to know how great he is

Can remember names and face p well but numbers and dates? Nah son.You better believe he has to make memos and calendar entries on hisphone for Everything. He's glad he can remember his own birthday,almost everything else he just kinda remembers (so only as specificas season or month). He feels bad about it tho, esp when he has tocheck like twice a day coming up to an important date that yes, it'sstill two days away, he didn't miss it

Has the kinda handwriting that's v pretty to look at but is anabsolute Pain to try to read

Hi, hopefully this is ok I saw you were taking prompts for a disability month challenge. I’d love to see some doc about adhd daisy, there’s so little adhd fic out there. Thanks!

Midnight Talker 

~1300 words 

AN: i threw in autistic jem because i just cant help myself and i miss my rambly daughter. takes place mid s1

read on AO3 

Skye scrambles to catch her laptop as her jump and shrieksends it flying off her crossed legs. Jemma dives for it as well, and there’s abeat of stillness after they both catch it on its way to the floor of thecommand center. Then Jemma starts babbling an apology, and Skye rushes toassuage her.

“No, I- I didn’t mean to scare you,” Jemma is saying, pushingthe laptop back firmly into Skye’s lap. “I called your name a few times, butyou didn’t seem to hear me.”

“Sorry, yeah.” Skye sets the laptop on the table beside her—whichshe really shouldn’t be sitting on, but A.C. wasn’t around to catch her—and rubsat her strained eyes. “Just got focused.”

“I can see that.” Jemma smiles nervously, scrunching hernose a bit.

Hands falling to her lap, Skye gives Jemma an up-and-down,smiling tiredly at her atomic-patterned pajamas. “Turning in early? That’s nota bad idea.”

Jemma’s hands fiddle in front of her, and she shakes herhead minutely. “Um. No. Just got … woken up by something, actually. It’s … It’sthree in the morning, Skye.”

“What?” Skye responds, not really processing the words. Sheglances toward her computer, but the time isn’t displayed, the whole screenbeing taken up by code.

“Did you not notice the lights going off four hours ago?”Jemma asks.

Skye looks around, and sure enough, only the low, ambientlights have been left on in the room, just enough to let her see withoutstraining too hard. “No,” she admits. “Have I really been in here that long?”

Jemma opens her mouth, seems to think better of it, and thensays anyway, “Please don’t take offense to this, but … when was the last timeyou showered?”

Skye blinks at the question, and then lifts her shirt tosniff it.

“You don’t smell!” Jemma hastens to say, raising her hands. “Sorry,I didn’t mean to imply- It’s just, I usually keep track of when people are usingthe showers, which I realize is somewhat peculiar, I just- I like knowing wherepeople are, and it’s not hard to pick up on the patterns when you’re living insuch close quarters as this- I don’t mean to be creepy, I’m really not- well, Ijust noticed you usually shower every other night, which would have been lastnight, but you went to your room after the mission yesterday and didn’t come backout until this morning. I don’t mean to pry or anything. I was just wonderingif you were doing okay. Not that not showering means you’re not doing okay, it’sjust that people breaking their routines can sometimes be symptomatic of anunderlying issue ... and …” Jemma shakes her head. “I’m sorry. This is weird. I’mbeing weird. I’ll stop. Goodnight.”

Jemma turns to leave, and Skye manages to keep in her laughfor fear of offending her, but doesn’t quite manage to hold back the grin.

“Simmons,” she says, reaching out and catching her sleeve.Jemma turns back, eyebrows knit with worry. “It’s okay. Seriously. As long asit’s not because I smell.”

“It’s not,” Jemma swears.

“I’ve just been …” Skye tries to figure out how to explain,letting her hand drop. “Kind of having trouble with a lot of steps lately?Like, for most people showering is one step—take a shower—and for others it’s afew steps, like ‘get in the shower, wash, condition, rinse, get out’. But forme it seems like a whole lot of little steps—turn on the shower, undress, checkthe water, get in, shampoo, rinse, condition, etc. etc. … All the little stepsget overwhelming sometimes. And that mission wore me out so much, I just didn’thave the brain function for it. Or anything else.”

“Executive dysfunction,” Jemma says, nodding. “That makessense. A lot of people with ADHD get that.” Then she catches herself, eyeswidening. “Sorry! I’m not supposed to make guesses about people, Fitz said itputs people off.” She gives a self-conscious laugh. “I am really not doing welltonight. I should just stop talking.”

“It’s okay,” Skye says. “I am ADHD, if you were wondering.”

Jemma gives a nervous grin, hands knitting in front of her. “Ifigured. I’m usually pretty good at telling. But people seem to not like itwhen you say it. Especially if they didn’t know.”

“Well, I did know, so all good.”

Jemma nods, glancing away. “Um. Will you be off to bed,then?”

“I should,” Skye says, rubbing her eyes again. “I’llprobably make a coffee.”

“This late?” Jemma asks, face creasing in concern. “Stayingup all night isn’t good for you. The brain refreshes itself during sleep,without at least a few hours—”

“I was gonna go to bed,” Skye assures her, holding up ahand. “Coffee knocks me out. It’s the only way I’m going to fall asleep afterstaring at my laptop for so long.”

“Oh.” The look of concern doesn’t go away. “That can’t behealthy.”

Skye shrugs. “It works.”

Jemma’s brows pull together. “I—” Her lips flicker into asmile. “I could make you a hot chocolate instead.”

Skye considers the offer, and Jemma continues, “I was goingto make a cup of tea anyways, so it’s not any trouble. And if you don’t fallasleep, then maybe we could stay up and chat for a little while.”

Skye nods. “Okay. That sounds nice.”

“Oh.” Jemma gives a started grin, obviously not havinganticipated that Skye would agree. “Okay. Excellent.”

Skye shuts down her laptop and they make their way to thelittle kitchen. Jemma starts heating the water on the stove (and is veryoffended when Skye asks why she doesn’t heat it in the microwave). As they waitfor the water to heat, they both lean against the counter, Skye foggy andtired, and Jemma lost in her thoughts.

Eventually, Skye asks, “Something woke you up?” having justthen processed the statement.

Jemma blinks, turning to her. “What?”

“You said earlier that something woke you up. It wasn’t me,was it?”

“No,” Jemma says. “It was nothing.”

Skye studies the side of her face as Jemma looks away. “Nightmares?”

Jemma’s lips thin.

“I hear you come out of your room a lot in the middle of thenight. Have you been having them often?”

“I didn’t realize anyone had noticed,” Jemma says quietly.

“I’m usually up anyway,” Skye says. “I’m not a greatsleeper.”

Jemma doesn’t answer or look at her, so Skye says, “Havethey been bothering you a lot?”

“It’s not important,” Jemma mumbles.

“Sure it is.”

Jemma’s hand floats up to her neck, thumb rubbing along theside. “Ever since the Chitauri virus I just … haven’t been sleeping very well.It’s silly, really.”

Skye isn’t sure she could convince her otherwise, so insteadshe says, “Well, how about the next time you’re up, I’ll let you make me anotherhot chocolate?”

She nudges her, and Jemma looks over with a small smile.

“I don’t want to bother you.”

“I’m already up most of the time. I don’t mind.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.” And then, on an afterthought, “Well … itdepends on how good your hot chocolate is.”

That gets a little laugh out of Jemma, which Skye is prettyproud of.

“I do know where Fitz’s stash of mini marshmallows is,”Jemma admits.

“Then next time you’re up, you bring the marshmallows, and I’llbring my charming, groggy personality.”

“Okay,” Jemma says, stifling her smile. “It’s a deal.”

-

Skye wanders out of her room two days later, a yawn trappedbehind her lips and her finger stuck in the bun she was trying to make in herhair. After she manages the bun, she wanders into the kitchen and, withoutlooking, mutters, “You were supposed to come get me.”

But Jemma is already waiting with a cup of hot chocolate inhand, marshmallows and all.

March 21, 2018 - 11:40PM

Dear Nurd,

This isn’t a traditional letter. In fact, it’s almost like a screen shot of a conversation I had with Jewel last night (as you will be reading this hopefully on March 22nd) in regards to what’s been going on with me. I have a hard time talking in person, and as an author, best convey messages through written word rather than orally and spoken. Now I might seem to get harsh at times, but I’m in a complex state of mind. Rather erratic. I’m just going off pure emotion and experience. But I’d like you to know my side of things. My point of view. It was easier to try painting this picture for Jewel as to what was going on from my eyes. So yes, you may feel differently, but you need to understand that this is how I saw and experienced it. And, this is what I’m feeling and dealing with.

-start conversation-

6:47IN THE EVENIN'

Ratty: I think being off my birth control is fucking up my mood swings (or at least going back to normal). I've felt angry with Nurd for 3 days straight now. Or is it technically 4 since it started Sunday. I haven't told him yet, I try to play it cool, but when I'm feeling done with holding a conversation with him I just can't keep up the act and so he notices I'm upset, but doesn't know what about or why. Offers a listening ear, does everything right, but I'm just not ready to speak up, or at least afraid I will lash out unjustly. I just realized that it could be that I'm having mood swings, mainly cuz I've been off my birth control for over two weeks now. So with that thought in mind, maybe I'm ready to tell him. Don't know if it'll make me feel less angry, but it's at least easier to tell someone you're angry at them mainly cuz you haven't taken your medication.

9:22IN THE EVENIN'

Ratty: Fuuuuuuck. I almost broke out in tears at a public restaurant during my brother(-in-law)'s birthday dinner. Doesn't help that it feels like Nurd is treating everything I'm saying like I'm trying to start an argument, I'm not even trying to sound aggressive or anything, I'm talking normally but it's like he thinks I'm trying to start a fight. I hate when family (especially mother and sister) notices that I look like I started or will start crying and so they press me and ask about it but I'm just like "PLEASE DON'T BRING ATTENTION TO ME. Do me a solid here, don't have me talk about it in front of everyone and take away from the reason for being here."

Jewel: Oh goodness...are things any better now?

Ratty: I'm keeping/kept it cool, or trying/tried (birthday boy didn't notice, so I'm fine with that). On the road home now, but Nurd is in another car. My mom asked if I've been taking my Zoloft. I have a new psychiatrist, I see her for the first time next week.

Jewel: Oh. Are you out of your medications, is that why you haven't had it?

Ratty: No. I'm not out. I have doctors to refill me. I just didn't get my birth control until too late because insurance screwed me over. So I can't start taking birth control until my next period is over. Cuz I got my BC a week after the new cycle ended so you can't start taking until the cycle JUST ended. I did miss my Zoloft today. But missing my Zoloft doesn't usually affect me. I've been two weeks off a medication that affects your hormones that I had been taking for almost two years, of course I'm going to react.

Jewel: That makes sense

Ratty: But I also feel like Nurd was trying to fight tonight. I kept trying to stop things by saying "I'll stop talking forever now" and holding my tongue and just avoiding conversing with him too much. Didn't help that we were pretty much in a secluded corner.

Jewel: I guess you both just need some time to yourselves

Ratty: I don't know. Maybe he's just riffing off of me and is feeling attacked. I don't know. I just can't tell if I'm actually being bitchy. But he's making me feel bitchier. But I'm trying not to engage in those feelings. I'm avoiding getting into pointless arguments and lashing out. I'm trying not too.

Jewel: Maybe he's still feeling ruffled from feeling like you're angry at him for no reason, I donno. Which is why I thought it might be good to let him calm down a bit or something.

Ratty: He's not even sure that I'm angry at him. He's even apologized in advance when I told him before dinner that we'd talk about it afterward, thinking he either fucked up or he's sorry that something's upsetting me. So now I'm confused cuz now it's like he's starting to fight me but I don't know why he would if he's sorry. If someone thinks they fucked up, then usually people walk on eggshells. So now he's just being rude, inconsiderate, and his usually derpieness of not realizing what he's doing. Maybe not rude but it's just I'm trying not to fight it it feels like he is whether he knows it or not. Like when I had already repeated a couple times the line of shutting up forever, he was like "is that your quote of the day?"

Jewel: I donno, tbh, "shutting up forever" does sound kinda fighty, in a way. I donno, it would annoy me, like I'm doing something wrong when I don't think I am, if that makes sense.

Ratty: But he didn't say it like he was annoyed, more of in jest. While I was saying it to be like "I'm trying not to upset you so I'm going to stop talking cuz no matter what I say you're treating it like a fight." But I can't say that exact thing without causing a scene or embarrassing him in public. Nurd is the most fucking oblivious derpy ass I know. And every time he tries to make an excuse for his obliviousness, he says "I'm derpy today...well, derpier than usual" which it feels like he always fucking says. You can see how that gets annoying. Like, he doesn't need to keep fucking saying it, I KNOW.

Jewel: Isn't he saying that in jest? Or at any rate, if he has no other reply to being told he's oblivious

Ratty: I'm not looking for answers or excuses when he says it, he doesn't need to explain himself. No, he's explaining himself. And he almost always says it in the same way, and he doesn't realize it. CUZ HE'S A DERP. My anger got started with him with a stupid argument over a stupid trash can in our stupid bathroom (also with how he didn't tell me that he already cleaned most of the bathroom on my exact day I clean the bathroom and I had already (re-)cleaned everything by the time I found out, but that didn't bother me as much as the trash can). This happened Sunday. It just keeps getting left open and it's been bothering me for weeks and when I tried to talk to him about it, he was like "well I'm not even going to notice I left it open so I'm not going to close it" so it was just like pointless and he didn't get why I was so bothered by it even though I gave him reasons. He just ignored them and found other excuses. So I told him to get out of the bathroom so I could finish cleaning it. I wasn't going to drag on a pointless argument, because he will ramble on and on, mainly repeating himself. I am starting to know his patterns now and wasn't in the mood. I suppose I got this way even before taking any medication. I one day just woke up feeling angry with him. So I texted him an apology for feeling angry with him before we even met up that day and he was so good about it, confused, but understanding. At least this time the anger felt justified, if at least a little... And there's been spurts where I forget I'm upset and even been affectionate, but then he reactivates it and I'm done with talking to him. I was even gonna ask him on a date last night for this morning. Cuz I'm not trying to be the aggressor. I'm not trying to be ruled by this emotion. But tonight I just felt like he was unintentionally being a jerk. And I hate trying to explain myself to him when I'm upset or he did something that made me upset cuz he just says excuses and I hardly feel closure like my feelings weren't validated and practically ignored. He's a good guy but he's oblivious. He tries, but just can't get it sometimes. And when I'm an emotional train wreck, gods, it's a bad combination.

Jewel: I guess what I'm getting here is he mainly needs to get better at admitting a mistake instead of excusing it

Ratty: There's part of me that feels like I'll be too mean and/or embarrass him and a part of me that feels like my feeling will be discounted anyway so what's the point, and that's why I'm stalling telling him. Not only does he make excuses for his mistakes, he also over exaggerates, acts like he's keeping track of certain things, like how many goddamn times I've complained about Luna spilling a drink or something else I said. When I know that number he's pulling out his ass is too damn high. And he believes my memory is wrong as his is right. I know I have ADHD, so memory isn't my strong point, but so does he. And even people without ADHD have obscured memory and low chances of remembering things perfectly. Everyone has false memories, as someone who studied psychology (and with the same professor I had), he should know this. But he always hold to his memory. If the statements don't match his memory, the statements are wrong. And so that's why it's so fucking hard to explain myself to him as well, because his goddamn memory is his voucher. Because he remembers it differently. Because he's keeping track of this or that. But he's too oblivious to notice the trash can lid is open. I feel like just screen-shotting everything I've typed to you and send it, cuz it'd be a hell of a lot easier than to actual say it to him. Too much getting off track, of being able to say how I felt about it in the moment but my memories are wonked.

Jewel: I mean, you could send it to him slightly rephrased to address him. Or in general, it might help to write it out, even if you don't send him this

Ratty: He's the one always trying to push me to not be a pushover. To give the letters to my mom and sister. Wouldn't it only be right to give him his?

Jewel: I think it's worth a shot. So you can really properly lay your thoughts out, and he can read it at his pace and actually take it in, instead of replying right away before giving it some thought.

Ratty: We have a bad habit of cutting each other off, not being able to finish thoughts.

Jewel: Yeah, I can imagine. I feel like a lot of people tend to do that, myself included, sometimes.

Ratty: ADD people especially, don't wanna forget that thing that just popped into our hea- oops, now it's gone. We're also both impulsive...so yeah. I feel like talking to you has helped a lot, especially just getting this off my chest. I've actually barricaded my bedroom door with a cat tower cuz I don't have a lock on my knob. I'm not ready yet.

-end conversation-

Perhaps some things I’ve forgotten to mention that whilst you don’t get pissed off easily, you do get pissy a lot. I believe I’ve actually said that to you before. You just seem to get frustrated, defensive, and dismissive so quickly and it makes it hard for me to try and converse with you at times or even want to. 

At the end of the day, I love you so much and don’t want to lose you. But I’m getting to a point where I feel like banging my head against a wall or like I’m between a rock and a hard place with no where comfortable in between. And this could be mainly because of the mood swings. But I’d like to feel that there is an actual valid reasoning for my feelings. That while they may be exaggerated, I’m still feeling them for a reason. I love you and hope this has been helpful to us both.

With love, trust, and communication,

Royal Fae

Post Script

I feel like this dialogue I had with Jewel after putting this together can also be very important and vital to you understanding the emotional turmoil I’m going through right now. It’s a very frightening and confusing state I’m in.

-start conversation-

11:58IN THE EVENIN'

Jewel: Sounds good too. But I guess what you mean by "I’d like to feel that there is an actual valid reasoning for my feelings" is really that you think there is a valid reason, right?

Ratty: yeah

Jewel: Cuz the way this is worded almost sounds like wishful thinking/ Donno if I'm just interpreting things weird or overthinking it

Ratty: I don't know if I'm interpreting my feelings weird or overthinking it XD I guess it is wishful thinking. It's a really scary place that I'm at. I want to believe my emotions are mine. But I'm scared I'm not feeling justified things. I'm scared. I'm confused

Jewel: Yeah...if it's any help, the things you told me he does would annoy me too

Ratty: I want this to stop. I want my mood swing to go away. I want to be able to know that I'm feeling something and have the right to, not just because I'm hormonal. I feel like I just got hit hard by a truck of emotions, so I'm not sure which are truly my valid ones. I mean fuck, who gets angry with their fiancé for four days straight over a fucking trash can.

Jewel: In a way, something good might come of it. Cuz ultimately, these little things do add up in the long run. But if this experience helps you two work through these things, on the bright side, you both might come out stronger because of it.

Ratty: yeah, and that's why it's important to talk to him and tell him all of this

Jewel: After all, it's a fact that the biggest indicator of a couple breaking up or staying together is how often they work through or drop the little things.

Ratty: I almost feel like I'm crazy or becoming like my mom, you know? I can't wait to start seeing my psychiatrist. I thought I was doing fine, but maybe my mom was right. Maybe it's more than just the birth control.

Jewel: Why did you change psychiatrists, by the way?

Ratty: I moved

Jewel: Oh right, of course, that makes sense

Ratty: and I was doing better, I was at a point where I only needed to see her once a month and my therapist occasionally. But then there was that moment in October and now this. My low dosage of birth control can't be the only thing doing this to me

Jewel: Maybe it's the recent many changes? You moved, you were stressed about jobs until now, things like that

Ratty: I don't want to get hospitalized like my sisters and mom, I only ever had thoughts of hurting myself and slightly acting it out that one time, but it could be enough to scare a psychiatrist. But I don't want to hide that. I don't want to be hospitalized right after starting a new job, that is. I know I'm being paranoid, but Cat never actually tried to kill herself when she was hospitalized. Same for my mom.

Jewel: But since you've never even had thoughts of self-harm since then, would that still be enough? And you didn't actually harm yourself when you felt the urge

Ratty: I don't know. Every psychiatrist is different. You don't even have to a danger to yourself or others to be hospitalized. My mom only hurt herself once and it was because she had nerve pain and was trying to distract herself. I kinda did hurt myself. I slapped, bit, gripped, and knocked myself. Pulled my hair. I needed to not feel the emotional anguish. I just didn't jump out the window like I wanted to. Not in a suicidal way, just to hurt myself during the fall. I told you my emotions are going haywire right now. I'm being erratic and jumping to things. It was one time, and months ago. I shouldn't let it catch back up to me.

Jewel: Is there anything that might help calm or distract you even a bit? Just to ease things enough to not let it get worse.

Ratty: My insomnia has gotten bad again. Can't fall asleep for a long time until very late and then wake up rather early, almost unable to go back to sleep, which isn't something caused by sleep apnea. I have a fidget spinner now. Won it from a holiday game. I had it on me tonight during dinner and it helped. Luna helps and once I clear the rubble with Nurd…he should too…

Jewel: Does music help? Or those calming sounds things?

Ratty: sometimes…mainly music. Though, that one night, nothing could help. Only spacing out and drooling on myself like a lobotomized vegetable…

-end conversation-

Personal Note which is also an update for a blog that doesn’t need one?

Well ok I guess if there’s some followers of mine who have interacted with me and want to know how I’m doing there’s that. Uhm right ok so the rest of the spiel/news will be under a read more so that not everyone is subjected to this serious/heavy news. (This turned out to be a lot longer than I originally intended sorry!) Oh and this is giving me a pity party vibe as I read it back to myself so I want to clarify something. I’m not trying to say that I’m the only one with problems nor does any of this excuse me being terrible. I just simply want this out there so that if anyone was wondering how my life’s been they can get a good gist from this. BE WARNED: It’s long!!

Ok soo this semester (Jan-now) I’ve been struggling majorly with my recent development of anxiety/depression as well as my ADHD acting up more. I have also had some more tension between my parents and I since I have been trying to figure out my boundaries/desires as an individual adult but still their daughter as well as some other stuff. And then school and work have been roller coasters in of themselves.. 

Right uhm so towards the end of March when I start trying to plan for my summer schedule I discover that they just recently changed part of the course regulations for my major which majorly threw off my plans. I was majorly stressed at the same time about this mega important group project worth 500 points total which would be a giant impact on my grade for the one class if we didn’t work well together. 

So group project got done, we ended up doing very well. I still was deciding on summer schedule since I had all of spring break to decide. And during spring break I was going to try and hang out with several friends since often times it’s difficult to hang out outside of school/work/family. Also I was going to visit a potential future college to check out their education program. 

Well it’s the first Saturday of spring break, and I’m chilling deciding what I want to do with my day, when there’s some commotion coming from my parent’s bedroom. Being concerned, I head on over to investigate what was going on. And here dad’s desperately trying to make it to the bathroom but he’s not walking right. Now this has never happened with my dad. He never drinks or abuses drugs. 

After he uses the restroom and gets back to bed with our help, mom calls the advise nurse for Kaiser. They talked on the phone for a bit and asked mom and dad several different questions. They ended up telling mom to call 911 and get dad to a hospital right away. Long agonizing story short, he had a stroke. 

He went into the main hospital on 4/1 and hasn’t been home til today 4/21. He’s had several tests on him and so much medication and all the physical therapy anyone could stand and possibly more. Now he’s only 64 so they say that’s young for that to happen and he should recover most-all of his brain cells or whatever. But it was bilateral which is to say it affected both sides of his brain.

It’s been super hard on my entire family, but my mom has taken it the hardest. She’s had to take over all of the grocery shopping and bills as well as manage to take full care over my brothers while still trying to maintain her work life. She has had an impossible time managing all of this so I’ve had to step up a lot more by keeping track of all of the bills and other various details that dad has been particular about. 

So over the past month I’ve been the most stressed out that I’ve ever been. There was a time where the only things I would do would be help mom, dad, or nana with whatever they needed then either by myself or with my boyfriend vent and then wind down to go to bed. I had no time to do anything productive for myself which has really thrown my schooling off. Now I’m not complaining (mostly) about the situation it’s just been a mess. 

I suppose that it has been nice spending more time with my family here and there, they tend to be very nice. But the circumstances surrounding it make it majorly stressful. And if I don’t do things just so, somebody complains about me and not helping or doing enough. And when he was first admitted everyone was trying to push me to get my driver’s license which has been it’s own issue. 

So that’s the gist I guess. There’s of course a lot of extra details but as it is I’ve spent way too much time writing this. If you read all of this rambling/venting kudos to you. See you around I guess.

Meds update!: Me and my doc play a lot of email tag, so the time between my adderall running out and having a great new dosage filled was almost a week. I struggled to function on most days, I did not have any of the focus needed to use my planner or communicate well, and I was experiencing some withdrawal symptoms without my meds. I quit doing updates and didn’t reach out to talk to anyone since these things really made my depression take over hard. Sorry to all my friends/family I’ve ghosted on this week, I was not taking the sudden change back to my typical symptoms very well. Medication wise, I have only taken the new dosage on workdays so far, and with clear-cut tasks and structure, I really blossom on this dosage. Treatment hasn’t removed the wall in front of me, but it did give me a ladder and I am climbing it well! HOWEVER!!! Like I said, I did lose my footing this past week, and once I got my ladder back, I totally forgot to ACTUALLY CLIMB IT. I had my first dosage *ever* yesterday where I would be completely unsupervised/unscheduled for several hours immediately after taking ADHD meds. In my whole 25 years of life, I have NEVER been alone while they work their magic. I did not anticipate AT ALL what would happen when my brain is driving at 100mph, but there’s no road and no map. 🌻Story Time🌻 I made a loose schedule/list of tasks before Dan went to work. I only had the alarms on my phone and the list as my structure. This was my day. Expectation: When dan leaves at 3-4 ish after picking me up from work, remember to take meds. Reality: Dan goes in at 5, this has always been the case, I do not know why I would ever think otherwise. Lose track of time and take them at 5. Expectation: Make to do list after taking meds. Reality: This actually happened! Great start, but definitely not the best method for me in hindsight. Expectation: At 6pm, write a short email to a printing company about having some work checklists printed. Easy and short task to get momentum, high payoff. Reality: At 6pm, write the first draft of this email in ten-ish minutes. Be aware of my tendency to forget things, proofread it. Expectation: At 7pm, walk to the gas station for quarters to do laundry. And a snack. Reality: At 7pm, I realize the email is way too long, tedious, and rambling to subject any stranger to it. I can’t send it like this. Condense the info. When the alarm goes off to leave, I ignore it. Expectation: At 7:30, put laundry in. Reality: 7:30, I’m still reducing down my email, but realizing I should pull myself away. Ignore alarm because no quarters. Text a few people to make plans and check in on em, check my notifications, relax. I’ll finish the email by 8 probably. Expectation: 8pm, take a shower and eat. Reality: 8pm, back to the email! Ignore the alarm, I don’t even read what it’s for, I’ll get it done eventually. I should note that I love sitting on the balcony and have been here since 5. I am getting a lil chilly. Expectation: 9pm, watch some wholesome How It’s Made while wrapping birthday gifts. Reality: 9pm, almost done with condensing! Just a few more tweaks and it’s professional, courteous, and easy to read. Expectation: 10pm, fold laundry and continue relaxing. I’ve been working super hard this month and I deserve a peaceful night. Reality: 10pm, alarm goes off for laundry folding. I have no laundry to fold and the gas station is closed. Just finish editing the email, OK BUDDY Expectation: 11pm, make sure all scissors, knives, delicate things, meds, etc. are put away safely since Lydia will be sleeping over soon. Reality: 11pm, absolutely freezing and I go inside to use the lil girls room. So many things have been ignored at this point, so I just ignore this alarm too. Being overwhelmed makes me buckle down to get it sent out. Expectation: 11:30pm, sleepy routine! Cup of sleepy time, unisom possibly, and blankie time- the best time. No more alarms. Play an app and be asleep around 12. 😴 Reality: 11:30pm- still in bathroom. I did stand up but I haven’t moved past hand washing, even the door is still closed. Doing the ACTUAL last proofread, and finally satisfied. Send. Task #1 ✅ Expectation: 12am, be asleep. Reality: 12am, go over list. Prioritize birthday present wrapping to start somewhere easy. Expectation: 1am, be asleep. Reality: 1am, I have finally found most of the presents and can begin. I lose things a lot and everything had also arrived while I was unmediated. Expectation: 2am, be asleep. Reality: 2am, Dan is home. Stop wrapping and tell him about my day. Expectation: 3am, be asleep. Reality: 3am, everything is really basically wrapped but I love putting effort and love into wrapping. Write little cute and fun cards! Make Dan’s weird! Make my grandma’s funny! Make my cousin’s super cute! Put some effort into really cute decorations for the boxes to make their days *extra* special! Task #2 ✅ Expectation: 5am, be asleep. Reality: 5am, Dan’s playing a video game quietly while I clean up the paper and ribbon mess. He looks over and says “oh no, it’s like 5am” Expectation: 6am, have SIX hours of sleep in and be still sleeping. Reality: 6am, realize I forgot to eat all day, exhausted so I have sleep for dinner. Now, looking back, this was insane. None of the tasks were hard, time-consuming, or boring, it was just so simple to get lost when I wasn’t with anyone to take me away from it and I was using phone alerts as my only system. Today I’m looking into healthy adderall-friendly ADHD coping methods for structuring my time and tasks! I have seen so many great things happen through my structured and supervised areas of life, so I know once I find my ground in independently organized areas, I can avoid some of the less productive behavior patterns that really came out in full force last night. The sometimes inconvenient effects of adderall are like evil superpowers that can be transformed and channelled and used for good. I’m hoping that I can find a great method to apply soon that can help me direct and control the focus I have while alone and medicated, because it has absolutely had a positive impact on so many other areas of my life. For so many years, my only goal was just to get by and hopefully one day begin treatment for depression, anxiety, and ADHD. I am so happy that my goal now is to gain even more independence and fully utilize my functioning hours. If anyone has suggestions/ideas for me or resources you can direct me towards, they are so valuable and appreciated! Thanks also to everyone who is reaching out asking about how I’m doing and even just reading these! I was told by a few nameless people that these updates made them feel less alone or that they learned something new about treating mental illness, and that really gives me the warm fuzzies. I’ll keep it up and keep moving up! 🖤🖤