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sunnysideofmidnight · 2 years

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THESE FUCKING BLUBBERING THOUGHTS OF MINIE

It's Friday morning at 4:09 a.m. It has become a habit to stay up every night until 3 or 4 a.m. It's almost a stress if I don't go to bed or sleep till then or if I go before then. Who knows what that is about.

It's August and It is between being end of summer, beginning of Indian summer or a quick fall. It's Maine and it's so unpredictable it could be fucking snowing tomorrow. Baha.

My life is mostly full of work, tears, work, more tears. I have a son going to be 16 and a daughter leaving for college next week and a husband that is working on the road and having an affair with my x friend. Did I mention she was a cunt. Who could possibly ask for anything more in life.

Although, I do have several things to be grateful for I have several things to be sad and angry about as well. Do I just settle and deal with the husband situation. Yes, probably so. Although the thoughts of them and even just her period make me squirm. Make me pissy and angry. GRRRR. I may deal but I will not be quiet about it.

The children leaving and starting their adulthood.... not so much. I mean I can deal, and I want them to grow and come into their own person, but I can be sad that my little ones are growing up. I can be pissed and sad about my husband and my friend, who i fucking hate more than anything.

I cannot describe the anger and the feeling that wells up inside of me when I think about that two faced, lying cunt. Anyways...don't get me started because that will be the only thing I will think about. Not that I don't have enough of her on my mind or in my head. Fuck I just really want to rip her head right off her fucking shoulders.

Moving on.... I am going through another phase of my life. Learning to let go and then I guess I find out the next steps, the next plan the universe has in store for me. Yet, for now, I will deal with the circumstances with as much patience as I can muster and pray that she has some mercy, the universe that is, to get me through each day of bad to the good that I know will be at the end of this chapter of my life.

All in all, life hasn't been too bad. I've made it through all the heartbreaks thus far. This one more intense than most considering I have been with him 24 years of my 55 years. I will win. I will be the one who comes out on top both in the relationship and in life. I just know cause that's what the universe has done for me, and I manifest that shit if I can.

Till the next time I need to pour out these fucking thoughts.....may you all have a blessed weekend and your man not be fucking another.

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sunnysideofmidnight · 2 years

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These Fucking Blubbering thoughts of Mine

I literally am dumbfounded that I was so fucking stupid. Stupid is as stupid does. A fucking idiot to allow such a thing to happen. I have been married to a lying, cheating piece of shit. For 18 years and together 24. He threw it all away! Doesn't matter to him and that rips my heart out even more. Sober through it all. 2 years, as a matter of fact on our anniversary August 8th. I want to die. I want to die. I want to fucking die.

What am i going to do. Where am I going to go? How many people hating on me will laugh. I hate everything and everyone except my children. Every fucking one of them.

A joke. Promises in the dark. I want to scream; my inner thoughts torment me. I have allowed for this to happen

He has lied and got me to believe that he broke up with his girlfriend, only to fucking hide it and now moved in with her. I am going to be out on my ass. Out of my home. While my friend and my husband have moved in together in New York. Moved in together. Fucking shitting me.

Lied. Told me to send him mail at this address because the hotel wouldn't let him get mail there. He was staying with her in an apartment. Fucking me every month or so. With our beautiful kids here. I am going to be booted to the curb.

I have so much fucking anger and hurt. I want to rip her fucking face off and spit down her throat so that she chokes to death by suffocation. Lied to me. Played me. Tore my heart out and don't give a fuck. Don't give a fuck. Don't give a fuck.

I am stupid, gullible and wanted to believe although my instinct knew it was bullshit, I wouldn't listen. Then I started crying for really no reason. this week. Now I know. My angels were preparing me for this. Getting me into check, I guess.

I can only ask the universe or God to please reach down and help me. Release this misery, this terrible feeling of helplessness. Lied and played me with his double life. Fucking just laughing at me. I want to hurt her so bad.

I want bad things to happen to them. I want her to die. To not be successful, to fail. I hate them hate them hate them. I want to scream. I want to punch her in the face and make a crushing sound. I want to punch him in the face.

Wow, like a movie I got played . I got fucking played, used and hated on. I was told fuck you, you divorced bitch. She knew all along. Thats what made her shut up. She knew all along.

I pray that she gets all she fucking deserves and a little more. That her son, in prison, gets torched and molested all day every day. I hope that some day she has the same shit happen to her.

I pray that she gets all she deserves and a little morel I hate hate hate everything and everyone. Haters are going to have a field day. Can't stay in this godforsaken town

The pain, stupidity for not seeing it rips through me and makes me scream in anguish. I hate hate hate hate hate right now. I hate her, I want bad things to happen to them, my cards say to stop thinking this way. That I will have to make a decision like the dark angel choosing between day and night.

I am a fool. My haters will love this. They will love me broke down, hurt and angry. I have no one. No family. No friends. I have my children but they aren't' going to want to live with me . They are going to want to be in this beautiful home with him and her. I hate my life. I want to disenigrate and wither. i hate everything and everyone.

I am a joke. I am a joke to them. I have been tossed to the curb. How long was he going to do this. Till he could file for divorce?

I have a decision to make and its to divorce him and try to get what I can out of him. I hate hate hate him and her so so much. So much history and he left me and moved in with a cunt who was my friend.

She said 10 years ago, "I want what you got" I hate you bitch. I want the Gods to cause her pain and suffering like I am . I want to go there and punch her pretty little face in and make him sick.

I want to put a spell, but I don't know a spell to put on them. i want them to fail, to fall, to hate their selves in the end. Makes me want to puke I hate hate hate my life and i hate hate hate them. I wish nothing but bad things to happen to them. To knock them down 1 x 1 and not be able to get up. Hold their thumb on them and suffocate the living shit out of them both.

I want pain to tear them from the inside out Karma is a bitch and so am I . I pray she gets all she deserves and a little more.

#journaling #mental health #witchcraft #woman #witch #painful #scorned woman #free spirit #self esteem #scorn #witchyvibes #addiction rising up perserverance dark soal #self #addiciton

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sunnysideofmidnight · 2 years

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My Fucking blubbering thoughts

hate is such a strong word but I fucking hate so fucking bad right now. I hate my man and that stupid cunt of a friend. Hate, hate ,hate them. I'm an idiot with nowhere and no one. I hate .

I wrote it once and it got erased so let's just say I hope they both end up miserable. Karma is a bitch and so am I . I hate them . I hate me. I hate . I am crazy with anger. Crazy with pain. Fucking crazy.

Unpredictably crazy. I hope that everything everywhere is terrible and dark. That they fail and that he becomes sicker than he is and she fails and stands there and watches.

I hate. -ME

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sunnysideofmidnight · 2 years

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WTF

It is 5:12 AM and I am still up and now reading and posting on Tumblr. WTF is wrong with me. LOL. I fight sleep because I know I am not getting any younger. I am only speeding through to my destination. Whatever the universe has waiting for me when I leave this world.

I look forward to the next 50 years and hope that it is all that I expect it to be. I am tired now thinking about all this. In a good way. A content way.

May you have a blessed Monday.

Night to you and you and you and you.... For the good of all

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sunnysideofmidnight · 2 years

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Playing dead

#free spirit #addiciton #self esteem #alcoholism #self love #addiction rising up perserverance dark soal #gypsy spirit #mental health #self #dogs of tumblr #cute #photos of mine #cute dog

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sunnysideofmidnight · 3 years

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Maine

#alcoholism #addiciton #mental health #free spirit #my pics #photos of mine #photos #gypsy life #addiction rising up perserverance dark soal #self esteem #self #gypsy spirit #nature #mother nature #inspiración #self love

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sunnysideofmidnight · 3 years

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#mother nature #nature #mental #mental health #addiciton #alcoholism #free spirit #addiction rising up perserverance dark soal #self love #self esteem #gypsy spirit #words #self #photos of mine #photooftheday #my photos

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sunnysideofmidnight · 3 years

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Beautiful sky’s of Maine and moon 🌙

#landscape mountains #free spirit #words #alcoholism #addiction rising up perserverance dark soal #addiciton #self esteem #self #mental health #gypsy spirit #self love #open sky #open skies #photos of mine #my photos #photos #positive mental attitude #positivevibes

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sunnysideofmidnight · 3 years

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#free spirit #my photos #photos of mine #open sky #open skies #addiciton #addiction rising up perserverance dark soal #mental health #self love #words #alcoholism #self esteem #self #gypsy spirit

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sunnysideofmidnight · 3 years

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Guess what? It’s Monday 9-27-21

Today actually hasn’t been to bad. I woke up. I put my feet on the floor and breathed. Not sure if it was in that order but breathing none-the-less.

I own a business. Of course, Monday morning calls coming in. I wasn’t even able to get to the bathroom to piss before my phone started going off !!

The calls do bring in the money and no calls would be scary. My mental health has been the issue. I sometimes hide in my shell and have major anxiety over talking to customers and/or answering the phone. It’s like a screeching sound, loud and obnoxious in my ear.

It makes my skin crawl. I roll my eyes. Make a face. Pull the covers over my head and groan. Not to mention I do not answer calls on days like that. It’s like I’m petrified to answer. Frozen. Cringe.

I am great at sales. Not cold sales because I hate it. Yet, incoming calls and selling to someone contacting me about a job. Absolutely! Every customer who has called inquiring and I picked up and answered. I have won and scheduled everyone of those jobs.

The ones that fall on those fucking “crazy” I am going to jump out of my skin if this phone rings again days. Not so much. These calls if you don’t take them are crucial. When you don’t take them then your competition gets them. Quick too.

Today is not one of those days. It’s a nice feeling. I have struggled with the depression and anxiety really bad for the last 2 weeks. All because I forgot my meds when I went out-of-town and for 5 days did not take any of them. This literally is not recommended.

Now when I was getting high or drinking and forgot some it was different. Or was it? Cause I couldn’t really tell you if they are affecting me because the effects of the drugs and alcohol are taking care of that regardless.

It’s the coming down that's fucked up. So literally just want to stay high. Well thats my personal take. Other than I liked it. Till it started spiraling out of control. Now it’s one day at a time. Just not without meds sober. Baha

I hired a new employee today. Starting to do big things and it’s nerve wracking but exciting. I just had shirts printed with the company name and number. It felt really good to give her a shirt. She put it on. Was all excitable and wore it out.

I love that. Today I spoke to several customers, all in the early morning. Filled the week with work. Now that's what I call a good Monday.

Not to mention the crisp, Fall air and the changing colors of the leaves. I am headed to a store that I will be driving through some of the prettier, site seeing places and will take some pics for you. Although, this is nothing compared to Peek season!!!

Wanted to share a little positive today. Remember you are beautiful!

You will accomplish many things . Be positive.

For the good of all.

#free mind #free #free spirit #fresh #journal #journaling #power of positivity #positivevibes #pos #addiciton #addiction rising up perserverance dark soal #alcoholism #just some thoughts #Just letting everyone know #just about anything.#gypsylife #gypsy soul

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sunnysideofmidnight · 3 years

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Open skies! I love to let the mass open sky surround me with inner peace.

#open sky #free spirit #words #addiciton #alcoholism #mental health #addiction rising up perserverance dark soal #photos of mine #self love #self esteem #self #photooftheday #my photos #hippy chic

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sunnysideofmidnight · 3 years

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Top two are full moons

#take care of yourself #free spirit #addiciton #self esteem #mental health #alcoholism #addiction rising up perserverance dark soal #self love #photos of mine #gypsy spirit #self #photooftheday #full moon #just letting g0 #just me #just about anything.#just for fun

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sunnysideofmidnight · 3 years

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It’s a perfect cold, October day. skies are full of dark and light clouds. So surreal. Mostly just the open skies where I live is memorizing.

This picture below shows the day fading into the night . Yet the full moon is illuminating it. Like daylight .

Crisp, cool wind hits my face but it feels good. Making my nose and cheeks slightly red. Love this weather. Favorite season Fall.

Football, chili, sweaters. Bon fire. 420. Fucking in front of the fireplace. Snuggle up under warm blankets.

All the colors of the trees just peeked. I literally just took those last pics I posted of them 2 days ago and today they are falling off and it’s chilly.

Maine had about 2 weeks of an Indian summer this year and soon old man winter, well maybe, will set in quick. Sometimes in Maine , Mother Nature and ol’ man winter disagree .

I don’t mean like just a little disagree I mean between the two, Mother Nature and Ol man winter they can really stir some shit up.

On occasion its just a smooth and easy transition . Other years it’s like a tug of war between them. I mean I don’t know if she is having bi-polar issues (relatable) or just wants to show whose in charge lol. Doesn’t that sound familiar !

Two years ago and then last year was a fucking disaster. Well I guess the whole fucking world and population went through a disaster last year . Well Mother Nature did as well.

She wouldn’t let him (Ole’man Winter) step up! No matter what he tried. We may have got 7-8” in snow? Disaster out. This is a outdoors winter wonderland vacation area and that kills a ski resort right there. Everything around it in the mountain too.

Resteraunts, vacation homes, the resort. Although it’s fucking some tough winters here it’s a great way to make a living . That’s what this states all about!! Outdoor activities!

Now I’ve been here over a decade and we have had some massive , and I mean massive , snow storms. I’m from Midwest and it gets colder than a witches clit but no snow hardly. I always said if it’s going to be cold I wished it would snow. I have never in my entire life, all the traveling I’ve done and places I’ve been, seen so much snow !

At first I was excited and couldn’t wait to see the first nor’easter. That was 2010 . We had probably 6 maybe 7 of those motherfuckers and I was done with it.

Fun at first . Then the shoveling. I never picked up a snow shovel The whole time I’ve been alive. Then it was so deep it would go to my hips when you walked out and you can’t shovel that shit so now we are paying a plow truck for it.

The truck to come out with his big plow attached and shovel the drive which was a circle not just a driveway. It was every day sometimes 4 times a week. No way to get out and it just fucking kept snowing . The plowing was getting expensive. $25 every time but sometimes two times a day .

We moved for a promotion. Ended up him having to go back to where we moved from to work. While the kids and I are in Maine. On the coast. Alone. In a house that sits by itself on a pretty desolate road but fast traffic when it did have traffic. Woods . Dark. Closest family is 2.5 hrs away . All my friends 1024 miles away.

Snow . Snow . Snow . Never forget that year. Talking about a basket case. Drunk. No money. No friends. No family. 5 year old and a 3.5 year old. Husbands gone. New state. New town. New start. Rough fucking start. Scarey start. Broke as a joke start.

Surrounded by tons of snow. Did I mention the town shuts completely down during the winter. Except the schools and shit . Shut down. What a fucking depressing situation. Closest Walmart or store is 45 mins but I have no job town is shit down. I have no money for gas so now what.

I will say the community found out about the rough time and the school loaded us up with groceries, gas card, laundry detergent, grocery card. Never have I needed anything like that but couldn’t have been In a better place for it to happen.

I’m pretty tough bitch. That shit was scary. That was isolation and being a new mother and drunk and use to tons of people around to no one. Hubby and I just got back together. Not what I thought it would be. Him either.

Needless to say it ended up working out very well here for us. They say Maine’s a poor state. Ever since Ive moved here AND started working I have made great money and never had an issue finding a job!

Moving on, every year after that was still a lot of snow but different location. People around. Eventually you adapt to your environment or situation . I learned to shovel, or stay home with 1 foot of of snow on your car and around your car wtf lol. I’ll Get ya some pictures this year if it does.

Last few years and especially two years ago nothing. Like warmest winter ever. Maybe two snow storms. Snowed many days theough winter but just enough to make it messy and melt. Couple inches. Never in the years I been living here have I seen that. It was kinda creepy.

Snowmobiles , deer hunter, skiing all fucked. Not enough snow to ski or snowmobile and too warm to keep your kill after hunting.

Then last year , need I say any more . COVID. I’m not even going there. Yet, we got tons of snow lol just nothing could be open. It was nice having a fire place and actually being able to sit and enjoy it and be Inside watching g the beautiful snow. Cold as fuck though damn!

This year I’m not sure what battle they will have . I know two years ago Mother Nature was very bi-polar and not letting winter exist.

She pissed (rain) when it snowed. She would stomp out the snow by raising the sun from its hibernation . Sun worked a lot that year. Usually relaxing . The sun only works part time in the winter here. I believe 2 good snow storms . They even closed everything g down early.

Last year she was a major cunt. Winter was here. Full force. She couldn’t stop it but she was cold as ice and surrounded the winter with it. Artic air . Brutal and probably a good thing for COVID because no one was going out In that shit long.

Universe seems to have its way. Needed to babble and this is what came tomorrow mind. Don’t know if you care but if you finished it you must have some j in nterest . Thanks for letting me spill out whatever crazy shit is filling my head. Getting it out and making room for more crazy shit .

Have a blessed night/day. For the good of all.

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sunnysideofmidnight · 3 years

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I don’t know why I continue to let myself say anything to my man about anything. Resentment stands between us. His reasoning for resentment towards me * (for good reasons) Me for my own reasons for resentment against him*(also for good reasons).

Each thinking their resentment is more important than the others. When the anger does comes out you have nothing but feelings of hurt, anger , sadness all because of those resentments . Broken feelings We love each other so much we fucking hate each other.

It saddens me to think that when it comes to communication it is definitely the absolute worst weakness of our relationship. Which is the worst thing to be weak in any relationship. This can only lead to deterioration of the relationship.

I don’t see how we get through this. How do we move past the resentment the childish manners of screaming. Let’s see who can scream louder or say the most painful of shit.

Eventually the “I hate you”. The “I “fucking” hate you”. The “I wish…you are…this is statement’s come out. The tears. The desperation of having the once before “love” , the sex, passion and desire for one another.

I know it’s still there. My heart aches when he leaves for work which is on the road. When we argue and when we say hateful shit to each other I cry.

I cry and hurt so bad. Does he mean the words he says. Does he really feel that way. Why does he say that all the time if he didn’t mean it. I’ve said things and yes I’ve thought it out I wouldn’t have exploded in the first time.

This is where I wish the communication was there. It’s not. I can’t say it’s him because it takes two to tango. I’m a cunt just like he’s a cunt. Well lately all the fucking time we both are because other than all the fucking stress we have the “resentments” .

I hurt. I am angry. I know that I have done some pretty shitty thing to him while drinking! One including swinging a club at his head while he was on his knees facing the other way. If he wouldn’t of caught that with his free hand (his other was holding himself up) I probably would have killed him a act of anger and alcoholism. Manslaughter, and husband gone . Then what the fuck would I do?

What a horrible memory. I was crazy drunk. Angry. Felt betrayed. My friend had just left. My husbands the next day. I felt alone again. Always alone. I felt lost and just crazy. Wild,. Uncontrollable.

I am a recovering drunk and sober for 14 months. I really did some unacceptable things to him and he struck around. He has loved me through it all. I felt really good once I got sober. And he screwed up and told me that he had had his fucking “girlfriend “ for a year. A fucking year.

Crushed me. Totally destroyed all my security. My respect and my respect in him. He was suppose to be my one and only forever. The one who would never do that and I believed it. Now there’s no turning back. There’s no “never” .

Now a day later we act like nothing is wrong. We act like nothing happened. I (he) still remember. You know the words are still there. Hiding in the darkness of your mind. Waiting to be said again. Lurking waiting to pounce.

Sad but true. Thank you for the vent. This platform is awesome for me to release.

For the good of all 😀

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sunnysideofmidnight · 3 years

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As we (Dog) and I were walking

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sunnysideofmidnight · 3 years

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These Fucking Blubbering thoughts 9-17-21

I have struggled all week. I have struggled to keep my mind, my mind. To get the little man out of my head. He runs around taking happiness and crumbles it away.

This little man makes me cry and think negative. He takes away my spirt and effects my sole. He just runs in a circle kicking up all the dust to keep my mind foggy.

I have sat and stared at my computer for 3 days. I have had twisted thoughts, saying to myself over and over again, get the fuck out of your head and write. Share and let that shit go. Nope. I was only capable of sitting there stairing off into space. Think, think, thinking about.

My creativitie is better when my mind is circle talking me. Round the emptiness inside my head , I search for a thought that might release the depressive state of mind I am in.

This fucking shit is real. I literally have this dysfunctional mental health situation. I am going to have to check it out;. I forget about Google to search people , places and things. People always say “why not Google it. Duh cause I’m old school and forget about that shit.

I am falling asleep and had to satisfy my thoughtful moments of great creative insight the last two days that I did not publish. Yet, I didn't and those thoughts are lost forever. Never to come back and be the way it was in thought before. I hope you have a great weekend and magical things happen!

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