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promiscuouspomegranate · 7 months

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The Fish Cries Too

Reader x Ezra

TWs: Reader suffers from severe depression, bullying, suicide attempt, vomiting, mutual obsession(ish), forced kissing, kidnapping (?), and angst. THIS IS DARK !!!

(… democracy asked for a new male character and damn.. he’s definitely a character!! This got a little rushed toward the end and I’m sorry 💔)

I dipped my red Converse in the murky, muddy pond as my hollow eyes examined the playful, pink petals of the waterlilies. Baggy black denim jeans stuck to my skin as I sloshed through cattails and schools of brown-gold carp. The water rose to my midriff, and melancholic moonlight guided me to a floating cardboard box. Trembling hands seized the package and carried it above the water. I vaguely remember setting it down on the grass before my body failed me–slipping to a dreamless slumber in the woods.

The song of the mourning dove and the sunlight poking above the treetops caused my eyes to open. I weakly reached my hand out to the cardboard box and softly smiled. What mattered was that Dad’s present was safe; I didn’t care about anything else. I rubbed my head and stirred to my feet–a migraine formed, and I felt sick.

I ambled across uneven ground covered in flat rocks, smashed cans of beer, and dogwood branches. I stepped across the small creek and tripped up the dirt mound. Thorns stabbed my skin, and I bit the inside of my cheek. I jerked away and muttered curses, grabbing the cardboard box. I saw the outline of my home enlarging until I was at the broken wooden fence.

I balanced the box above my head and was careful not to step on rusted nails. My head throbbed as I opened the sliding glass door, waking up my little brother–who insisted on sleeping on the couch in the basement. His curly hair shot up from his train pillowcase, and his wide eyes locked with mine.

“Did it happen again,” His gentle voice yawned and then questioned, “Why do they–”

“It’s a silly prank. It’s what friends do to each other,” I smiled as he approached me, holding his fuzzy teddy bear, “They’re only joking, don’t worry.”

“Charlie doesn’t play with me like that,” He hugged my leg, “Why are they meanies?”

“You’ll laugh at it when you’re older,” I patted his head, “When you’re my age, everyone is mean.”

I guided him back to the red couch and tucked him back in. I waited for him to fall asleep before I went upstairs. I set the damp box on the kitchen counter and taped Dad’s birthday card. He wanted a new fishing rod for his birthday to take on his boat; I found a used one and refurbished it.

I muttered as I wandered down the hallway and opened my bedroom door. I saw my chipped phone screen glowing and hesitated to grab it. I felt something hot burn my throat and scrolled through seemingly endless notifications from the latest hate group chat. Highlights consisted of Ezra calling me ‘Fisheyes’–a nickname that used to be endearing–and videos of my friend Lenore protecting my battered, unconscious body from getting injured any further.

I replayed the video a few times, carefully examining the change in Ezra’s behavior when the fight was broken up. If I hadn’t known him, I would’ve assumed he was a bystander. How fortunate I was that nobody knew Ezra the way Lenore and I did.

I blocked the numbers and turned off my phone. I rested my head on a pillow and stared at the upholstered headboard. I traced my hands along the design and thought about the pond. Memories of playing with Ezra in the water and grabbing fish flooded my mind. I was far too weak to suppress the memories of childhood friendship, and the ringing in my ear reminded me of the Sunday church bell.

“We used to draw together in first grade; in second grade, we played house,” I muttered and felt tears trickle down my cheek, “Now, you wish I were dead.”

A thousand thoughts of suicide entered my mind, but only one remained. I thought it would be rather poetic to drown myself in the pond I spent most of my life around. Perhaps, if there was an afterlife, I could watch Ezra’s smug face crumble into a hallowing emptiness. I almost felt the water filling my lungs as my face paled and something rose from my throat. I stumbled to the trash can in my room, and stomach acid spilled from my chapped lips.

“Sorry,” I breathlessly mumbled to whatever divine being was watching, “I won’t think like that anymore.”

I wiped my face with crumpled tissues and pulled my hair back. The nausea finally cleared, and I felt slightly relieved. Footsteps approached my door, and I gently smiled when I saw my dad’s face. Thoughts of sorrow melted from my mind when I saw a toothy grin.

“Shucks, kid. You did well this year,” He heartily laughed and wandered inside my room, “Say, Mr. Borrego and his son, you might’ve heard of him, Ezra.”

He paused for comedic effect and expected me to laugh. I managed to fake amusement.

“Anyway, we were all going out on the boat, just us lads. But, I think it’d be best to bring my favorite kid with me on my birthday trip,” He patted my shoulder and grinned, “You have the honor of receiving my old rod.”

“I can’t fish, though,” I felt nauseous again and resisted the urge to cry, “I shouldn’t go.”

“Ezra can show you how, fisheyes,” He winked, “Besides, I’ve heard from Mr. Borrego a certain someone can’t stop speaking about you.”

“How lovely,” I weakly muttered.

Dad was wasted, and Mr. Borrego was rambling to him about how, in his glory days, he caught thirteen catfish from a single river to impress his buddies.

“I could catch a catfish anytime today, y’know what I mean,” My dad howled with laughter, and Mr. Borrego copied, “Y / N ‘s mother was the only fish for me. What lovely scales she had.”

“Her hands weren’t that callused,” is what I wanted to say, but I knew better than to argue with my dad.

“How I’d love to say something about my wife, but I know Ezra would immediately proclaim it to his mother. Such a mama’s boy, it took him ages to stop cozying up between us in bed when he had a nightmare,” Mr. Borrego took a sip of his beer then pointed at Ezra, “Didn’t you always say it was clowns?”

“Can you cut it out,” Ezra sighed, and his hand tightened on his fishing rod.

“Don’t want to embarrass your son in front of my kid now, Joaquin,” My dad’s eyes locked with Ezra’s, “Lord knows he’ll throw a fit the way he used to all those years ago.”

Silence permeated the salty ocean air, and the gray-blue waves rocked the boat. The soft song of the water made me yawn as my dad looked at me and then over to Ezra.

“I’ll drop you two off at the shore,” He hummed and slowly stood up, “You kids don’t need to listen to us drunk adults ramble anymore.”

“Thank God, I can finally fucking leave this shitbox,” Ezra muttered loud enough for me to hear, “Fucking hate it here.”

I felt frightened and approached my father, who was steadily cruising the old boat towards the docks.

“I want to stay here,” I tugged his blue flannel and whispered, “I don’t want to be alone with Ezra. Dad, I've wanted to tell you for a while–”

“Relax, I know you two kids have the hots for each other,” He stupidly grinned at me, “I know you’re nervous to make a move because I know you. Trust me, Ezra’s dad can’t keep a single secret about his son. The boy is a little more than head over heels.”

Protesting seemed pointless; who was I to ruin my dad’s birthday with silly complaints about fears? Besides, Ezra never laid a hand on me personally; it was always his friends. ‘It was fine,’ the words echoed in my head as the motor’s noise softened. ‘It was fine,’ formed in my throat as my sandals nearly fell off my feet when I stepped on the jagged, algae-covered rocks.

“Don’t get into too much trouble, kids,” Mr. Borrego called out as the motor loudly started.

“We’ll be fine,” my eyes and mouth said.

When the boat was far enough, I looked at Ezra.

“I’ll leave,” The words quickly fell off my tongue, and I attempted to ease the tension, “Just tell them I wasn’t feeling good.”

“No thanks, fisheyes,” Ezra smiled and stepped closer, “You scared or something?”

I was at the edge of the rocks and could feel Ezra's amusement. Yet, it didn’t matter anymore. The waves reflected the pale moonlight, and I saw my face shatter and reform in them.

“You think I’d actually hurt you or something? It’s my birthday gift to your fatass dad,” He laughed and tilted his head, “Oh, forgot you’ve always been obsessed with your dad. Don’t yell at me, please.”

The water called to me like a siren, and I felt an overwhelming urge to

Dive.

The frigid ocean water shocked my body as I opened my eyes. They stung with salt, and I felt hysteria overwhelm common sense. I jammed my foot inside the rocks and felt a delightful pain overcome my ankle. I crammed it further until it was stuck and felt relief sweep over my body. The ocean was no pond, but it was death–how could I complain about my wish?

A year, hour, minute, or second passed–it didn’t matter. I felt my lungs override my hysteric state and could hear Ezra’s hoarse shouting from the surface.

‘Fisheyes,’ I thought, ‘I bet his eyes are wider than mine. I loved Ezra’s eyes; they were always prettier than mine. Emerald green with thick, dark eyelashes. They sparkled when they looked at me.’

Warm and cold, then warm once more–the cycle of the ocean and my relationship with Ezra. I thought it’d finally freeze over; I thought he wanted me to die.

“Liar,” I threw up water and seafood dinner. My voice croaked out another, “Liar.”

An overwhelming sensation of pain that was too profound to protest any treatment consumed my nerves.

“You’re fucking insane,” Ezra smacked me across the face and clenched my soaked t-shirt, “You’re actually fucking insane.”

“Part of me hoped you’d save me,” I felt my eyes close and smiled, “I mainly wished you let me die.”

“I wish you fucking died. You’re ruining my life,” He muttered and let go of my shirt, “I hate you.”

“Why, Ezra?”

“Because you’re always on my mind, fucking fisheyes. I can’t focus on anything but you; it ruins my day to see you happy when you don’t even know the lengths I go to.”

“You’re lying. I fucking hate it when you lie.”

A chill crept down my spine when he cupped my face. His emerald eyes were wider than my own when our lips pressed. He crammed his tongue into my mouth, and I felt like vomiting again.

“Lenore always got in the way whenever I got you weak enough to do this,” He wiped his mouth, “Fucking bitch, why are you two still friends?”

“Lenore doesn’t get her friends to beat the shit out of me and doesn’t have fantasies of molesting me.”

“I bet I was your first kiss.”

Stomach acid crept into my throat, and I started to sob.

“Calling my dad and telling him you got tired. I’m taking you back to my place,” Ezra left my cold body on the rocks and cocked his head, “You look like shit.”

“I tried to kill myself,” I laughed and felt hysterical, “You want me to go back with you after this? I’ll throw myself back in the water.”

“Gives me another opportunity to tongue you,” Ezra smirked and grabbed my neck as he called his dad.

“They’re fatigued, Dad,” He stared at me, “I’m taking them back to our place; it’s closer. Besides, Mom loves to see Y / N. No, I– Shut up. I’m leaving now, bye.”

“I fucking hate you, Ezra,” My lip quivered, and I felt frigid.

“Cry it out,” He picked me up and wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

#yandere writing #dark romance #yandere #yandere character #yandere oc #yandere oneshot #❤︎.pomegranate #☆–ezra

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a-bucket-of-trash · 1 year

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The Garden of Horrors- Kelvin x Female Reader – Part 13/?

Part 12

It was quite interesting for Kelvin to see your expression when you saw Alan's impeccable expensive yacht pull up elegantly in one of the few accessible harbors on the island. Your face had a mixture of feelings. On the one hand, a remarkable relief to see the possibility of leaving there once and for all, and on the other hand, so much anger that some cannibal might even fear you. And to him, that force charged with fury was, to some extent, sensual to his eyes.

"Fuck" Alan said, from the yacht, looking at you with surprise, some fear and revulsion "How are you supposed to still be alive?"

“Nice to see you too, you creep.” You hissed from below, next to a backpack of stuff.

"Discuss on island four, walking." Fisheye pointed his jaw at the yacht.

"EYEYEYEY No" Alan stopped him from above "The deal was with you, Fisheye, not with them... I don't even know who that other pug face is..."

"He's my friend, he's injured" Fisheye crossed his arms angrily "Let him go up"

"Alan, by God, we just want to go to island four" You sighed, tired.

“I said no” Alan leaned on the railing, smiling, with an air of self-righteousness “The International Convention for Safety of Life at Sea say it, the captain have the right to make any call necessary in order to protect the life of persons on board or to safeguard the vessel. I am the captain of the ship, I say who gets on and who doesn't. Fisheye can come"

You saw Kelvin touch your arm, confused, so you had to write the problem to him, to which he looked at Alan with still a rather angry face.

"What are you looking at, you fool?" Alan smiled, seeing his expression. "Is the ugly puppy angry?"

"Let them go up" Fisheye said, already on the yacht, pointing a gun at him "It's an order"

“I'll pretend I don't see the gun,” Alan said, quietly. “And I remind you that you're threatening someone who can legally fuck you for the rest of your life. I may be useless, but I have the money to buy more lawyers than you… Do you really want you and your family to not be able to live in peace?”

"You are despicable" He hissed, putting the gun away.

"Jeez, is there no way to convince you?" You asked him, mentally exhausted "At least let Kelvin go up and be safe, I can stay here and wait, if I disgust you so much"

"Do you want me to let him up?" Alan smiled wryly "Well, if I sleep with you and enjoy it, your friend can come up and go to island four, safely... Deal?"

You startled abruptly. That was not a thing you expected to hear in such a place or at such a time. Your mouth let out a timid and incredulous "What?" while you were looking at him.

"Two months at sea, me alone..." Alan checked his expensive watch absently “I need a bit of relaxation and, well, I'm not going to sleep with either of these two soldiers, you are… tolerable enough… I can enjoy it if I close my eyes… What do you say? You don't have to enjoy it if you don't want to” He laugh.

You looked at him, your stomach turning with anger and disgust. You'd say no, but it was because of Kelvin. You turned slightly, looking at your beloved soldier with confused brown eyes, knowing that, for him, you could do it. You saw him wonder what was going on, so you slowly wrote down Alan's proposal.

Kelvin read that, his eyes widening, looking at your downcast face, and then looking at Alan's disgustingly victorious face. He knew that you hated your ex-friend, you had told him everything, in detail, so the idea of giving in, lowering your head and letting him do that to you, just to guarantee him a space on the boat, was too much. Kelvin growled audibly, furious, hissing, looking at him as if he might bite his face off. He picked up a rock from the ground and throw it hard and fast to him, though Alan barely dodged it.

"Kelvin!" You grabbed his arm and hastily wrote a “He's not going to let you up. There is no choice”

The soldier wrote forcefully. “I'd rather stay here forever than let you sleep with him. I love you, I can't allow it"

You sighed and gently touched his cheek. You knew it, if it were the other way around, you wouldn't get on that yacht either, not if that was the cost.

"Fisheye" You looked at him. "How long can it take to get help once you're on island four?"

"I don't know" The soldier confessed "It depends on what state everything is in there... Why do you ask?"

"Kel isn't going to let him do that, he prefers to stay here... And if he stays, so do I... So take care of the rest, okay?"

"Done. If everything works well, I'm going to call you on the radio in two days, at noon, wait for me” Fisheye thought “If I don't contact you, wait another two, and so on until I can talk to you. If I see that the radio is not working at all, I will return here or to island two. These radios don't have long range, but maybe I can try something if the long-range radio on island four doesn't work…” He saw you nod, slightly down “I know you were happy to leave, and I hate to say this, but… hold on as long as it takes… I have left some useful things in the bunker… Take good care of yourself, and take care of my brother”

"Count me in" You nodded again.

"Pfff" Alan walked at the helm, with a bored air "See ya, loosers"

"I hope you get diarrhea" You muttered.

Fisheye looked at Kelvin and gave him a military salute, to which his soldier friend responded firmly, watching the yacht move, slowly moving away from the port.

Kelvin lowered his arm, looking at you, next to him. He knew that now your mood must be in the basement after what happened, but your look was more angry and firm, than decay, as if the time on the island was forcing you to create nonsense-proof layers of skin.

He saw you write something and he read “I still have Alan's diaries, he has exposed so much sensitive information for his father's company, that as soon as they rescue us, I'm going to screw up his whole life. I'm going to make him pay for your medical treatment out of his own pocket."

He chuckled softly before kissing your cheek. Maybe you two would need to be more time stuck there, but with you by his side, it wouldn't be so bad after all.

Part 14

#kelvin #sons of the forest kelvin #sotf kelvin #kelvin x reader #sons of the forest

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hrefna-the-raven · 1 year

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Cannibalypse now

First date - tell me more, tell me more - Black velvet dress - Cloudy mornings and sweet bareness - Kiss me, you fool - Waiting in the wings - You're only falling now? - Morning dew and dances

Words: 1808

Summary: The helicopter crashes on the island, only sparing Kelvin and his comrade Hunter from a gruesome death. While Kelvin has not only lost his hearing but also his memory, you return to your work, your thoughts constantly glued to that charming soldier you spent the last days with, hoping to see him soon…

Notes: the player character from the game will be called Richard (Dick) Smith aka Hunter

Kelvin tugged the letter from you back in the chest pocket of his tactical vest, earning a chuckle from Fisheye, who observed the whole scene with amusement.

"Don't be so anxious, we gonna rescue these spoiled idiots from their own island and you'll be back in no time to screw the brains out of your woman."

"You heard that?", Kelvin questioned him with a shocked expression.

"I was drunk, not dead, Robby", Fisheye laughed at him, punching his shoulder in jest.

"Guys, keep it down will you? I need to read through the assignment", another soldier with the name tag Hunter complained.

"Yes Kelvin, no one wants to talk about your sexcapades", the pilot of the helicopter chimed in through the radio.

"I didn't- argh screw you", Kelvin mumbled, gritting his teeth, rolling his eyes before turning off the radio and switching on some music.

His hands rhythmically tapped the beat, head bopping up and down as his lips silently moved to the lyrics of a Grease lightening. It wasn't his usual type of music, but it reminded him of you, giving him a feeling of connection the two of you even through the distance. A sudden shiver ran down his spin and he could feel the tension of his presentiment of this mission filling the air again, casting an anxious glance out. Something wasn't right. Out of the blue, a few shots rang out and one bullet pierced the window next to him. The soldiers screamed and cursed as the helicopter started to falter, the pilot desperately trying to keep control. Another shot resounded, instantly followed by a penetrating alarm sound, indicating that something vital on the aircraft got hit. The helicopter started spinning violently, the soldiers were being thrown around inside. Panic gripped his entire body, he wanted to do something but realised it was too late. Suddenly the door flung open and Fisheye got sucked out. Kelvin jumped up to help but lost his balance, his hands holding on to a metal bar of the seat for dear life, trying to avoid the same fate as his friend.

Hunter jumped up, tried to grab Kelvin's hand, but he was too slow and watched him disappear in horror while the aircraft careened towards the ocean underneath them. The last thing Kelvin saw was the helicopter spinning out of control, plummeting down. He watched helplessly as the aircraft dangerously span towards him. All he knew was that he had to survive this harrowing ordeal, he had to get out of this situation, survive and come back home to you, so, in a desperate attempt, he dived into the water, trying to get deep enough to avoid being crashed. The dreadful silence of the water around him and the constant threat of drowning hang like Damocles' sword over him, meddling with his sense of orientation. It felt almost too late when he realised that he was diving deeper towards the ocean floor. He tried to scream but only a cluster of bubbles left his lips. His mind was racing, loosing one thought as soon as another popped up and as he turned upwards, the a part of the sinking helicopter hit his head, the last thing his eyes registered was Hunter pushing himself out of it.

Kelvin woke up from his slumber with a searing pain in his head. He tried to sit up but fell back down clutching his throbbing head. It was as if his whole body was on fire, threatening to burn him alive, leaving him unable to hold any coherent thought. He closed his eyes in a faint hope that the pain would subside, but it only seemed to grow stronger with every passing moment, slowly engulfing his entire being. Hunter, who had barely recovered from his own unconscious state, rushed towards Kelvin, pulling him up and holding his head as if it was made of the most fragile material, fearing to break him completely if he touched him awry. He tried everything to ease Kelvin's pain but it felt in vain and he could feel his anxiety growing with each painfully slow passing second, wearing him down while his mind desperately struggled to remain on top of this madness. Kelvin's screams were piercing through his ears, lost drowning in a sea of pain, and a somber awareness absorbed his mind. He just lost everyone from his platoon assigned to this cursed mission, everyone but this one screaming mess in front of him and he'd be damned if he'd let death take that one too. Hunter attempted to divert Kelvin's attention from the agony by snapping his fingers in front of his eyes while his other hand gently shook his upper body. Gradually, Kelvin's screams subsided, and his eyes began to move. Hunter felt a sense of relief as his comrade regained consciousness. However, when Kelvin opened his eyes, they were unfamiliar to Hunter. They were emotionless and vacant, like not even a trace of a soul was inhabiting this human body.

"Kel, are you alright? Where does it hurt?", he asked, his voice trembling.

But Kelvin remained unresponsive, only blinking slowly at him. It appeared as if Kelvin was trapped within his own thoughts, and the torment had taken control of him, leaving him in a state of disorientation or....Shit! He can't hear me! Hunter slowly turned Kelvin's head around and gasped at the encrusted blood trailing from his ears. His comrade must have suffered a severe injury from the crash, loosing his hearing in the process. Hunter reached for the notepad stored in the pocket of his vest, scribbling down a few words and holding it up. Kelvin's eyes slowly moved, taking in the words written to him.

Your head is injured, you can't hear. Do you notice anything else? What else hurts? Injuries?

Kelvin was lost in his own sea of thoughts as he sat at the edge of the shore, watching the waves crash against the rocks, listening carefully only to find himself engulfed in a strange realm of silence. His eyes darted back to Hunter and he gathered all his strength trying to respond, but his words came out as a garbled mess of incoherent sounds. Panic set in as Kelvin realised he couldn't hear a thing. He tried to remember what had happened, but his mind was blank white void. A sudden sting of pain hit him in his very core. It wasn't just simple physical pain, but there was a hint of emotional pain as well that gnawed at his soul. Overwhelmed by the deafening silence around him, the agonising throbbing of his head and the loss of his memory, despairing sobs erupted from his mouth, his chest heaving with each outburst. What was happening to him? Why was here here on this beach, surrounded by remnants of an aircraft and dead bodies? These questions plagued him, but no matter how hard he tried, his mind continued to fail him, refusing to procure any useful information. His hands shook, and his mind raced, descending further into a, inexorable despair as he tried to figure out a way out of this nightmare. He took a deep breath, hoping that it would help clear the fog in his mind and he took the notepad from Hunter's hand, writing what seemed to be the only possible question at this moment, sighing at the sight of his scrawly handwriting.

What happened?

Hunter was currently battling his own inner demons, and the memories of the crash kept haunting him unendingly, making it hard for him to cope. However, he held on, putting up a strong demeanor to ensure that Kelvin did not lose hope despite knowing that they were stranded on the island for an indefinite time now, and it seemed as though their rescue was not coming any time soon. He mustered the courage to scribble down every detail of the crash. The pen was shaking in his hand, but he somehow managed to put everything down on paper. He then handed it over to Kelvin, who began reading it. As Kelvin absorbed all the details, his eyes halted at the name of a female, which he couldn't seem to remember. However, something deep down in his mind clung to it as though it was the most precious thing he had ever heard and the promise of getting back to her filled his unknowing heart with joy. His finger tapped at the name before he shrugged his shoulders, trying to silently raise the question at who this woman was. Hunter hesitated for a moment before answering by opening one of Kelvin's chest pockets, taking out a piece of paper and holding it up to him. The soldier hesitantly unfolded it and started reading. Tears filled his eyes as he read the most beautiful words scrawled on the damp piece of paper. Despite still not remembering who you were, he knew he had to get off this island and find you, talking to you and finding out if you could bring his mind to remember the feelings that bound the two of you together.

You huffed at the paper piling up on your desk as you returned to the office after your days off. Of course no one had taken over during your absence, leaving you with all of last week's paper work to deal with before you could even attend to the new requests piling up in your inbox. You slumped down on your chair, sighing with the greatest irritated sigh. You loved being a patient care specialist, you felt like you could help people in need without sacrificing your sanity by surviving long hours of a nurse shift, but the fact that your colleagues would rather only walk down the solo route instead of playing in a team was grinding down your nerves at a slow but steady pace. Your thoughts trailed off to that charmingly sweet soldier you'd spent the last days with. You couldn't believe how he charmed his way straight into your heart, not even scratching at your protective walls to get in, but instantly tearing them down and you didn't even care. You felt safe in his presence, filled with the feeling of finally being home, being right where you always wanted to be. You glimpsed at your phone, beholding the photo you took of the two of you just before you left his apartment this morning, catching yourself at thinking at the wonderful time you had spent together, chuckling at the slight soreness between your legs, a tender reminder of just how much you craved for each other. Let's do this! Your hand grabbed the first paper off the pile, reading the request written on it while your thoughts drifted off to the hope of seeing your soldier back soon.

Part 9 - Blood in the water

SotF masterlist

#sons of the forest #sons of the forest fanfictions #sotf #sotf fanfiction #sotf x reader #sons of the forest x reader #kelvin #robert kelvin #sotf fisheye #fisheye #kelvin x reader #kelvin x female reader #kelvin x you #helicopter crash #player character #sons of the forest player

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diagonal-queen · 8 months

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thungo thursday: how the hell did we get here so fast

'dad never even came to pick me up' SAME AYA LMAOO

they really did make the right choice for bram's va. i don't remember his name but all i know is that he's a seasoned anime va, but it like REALLY fits him fr

i'll never get over how much i love this intro you guys like it's so chaotic and colourful and dark and granrodeo is so good and this song especially is so epic and kishow supremacy

OH MY GOD watching chuuya struggle to breathe is like stressing me out so much that i need to pause and take deep breaths of my own lmao

AYO WHY DOES DAZAI LOOK LIKE A CRYPTID LMAOOOO

also i'm so jealous of him being able to cup sigma's cheek while I cannot

dazai and sigma are so weird to me as a ship because most of the ships i like are '[character that is just like me] + [character who i would have a crush on if i knew them]' but i kin both dazai and sigma so it's like watching the two opposite sides of me frolick around and it's so chaotic

sigma, literally drowning: 😰😰😰😰😰 dazai, also drowning: •-•

if i had a nickel for every time dazai stood on sigma's back/shoulders while they were breaking out of prison i'd have two nickels. which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice

(yes i know i use that meme format a lot NO I WON'T STOP)

WET CAT SIGMA (and no i didn't replay the sounds of him gasping for air, why on earth would you think that)

we have both now <3333333333 thumbs up dazai best dazai

imagine someone asks atsushi how he knew to do things or how he had the mind to move forward and he replies 'the voices' but like he's deadly serious and it actually was the voices

wait dazai literally did that to sigma in prison didn't he shfkjhdhgjkhsk

wait so in the manga sigma can read russian, but in the anime he can't? is bones actively bimbo-ifying characters??? how are we letting this slide

akutagawa doing some goku type shit is the funniest thing ever bro actually said 'SHIAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH'

bones you don't need to remind us all about how much you fucked up akutagawa's death scene ok. his dub va literally predicted that his death would be done poorly and he was RIGHT ABOUT IT

(who would win. gonta and monokuma vs dazai and akutagawa)

if dazai's got a broken leg and losing blood very quickly then why is he grunting and moaning like that huh what's that all about

YEAH GET FUCKED FYODOR LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO

fyodor: because of dazai you realised something about yourself sigma...[describes me, dia, in disturbingly accurate detail]

i'm sorry but the gay agenda has warped me into viewing a man putting a gun to the head of a man on his knees not as a serious and threatening crime but as foreplay. this is what the gays are doing to today's youth. way cup america

brams life must suck. imagine life exactly the same except you can't frolick in the sun, smell roses, wear silver jewellery, finger gun yourself in the mirror or eat garlic bread. also the 'lacking a body and personal autonomy' thing but who needs those amirite

OH MY GOD THE GIRL **WAS** BRAM'S DAUGHTER!!!!! IT WAS HIS KID THE WHOLE TIME!!!!! YOU GUYS OH MY GOD/??????!!??!!???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i don't even feel bad for laughing when fyodor started having his mental breakdown like bro what is that face. is this what nikolai sees every night??? man no wonder he went insane

tfw they fisheye atsushi from afar while he's being stabbed in his vitals

i hope they have a stash of strepsils for atsushi's va in the recording studio

BRO WHY IS FYODOR MOANING TF

yknow that episode when teruko aged tachihara down to a child and he looked rounder and stuff? thats fyodor right now

no but actually imagine being pulled so hard that your leg and arm come off OUCHIES what is it with people and taking atsushi's body parts and like stroking them or whatever. if it were me, the only body part of atsushi's i'd be stroking is his di

fyodor you're a great character but i can't help but notice that you just stabbed my husband and then kicked him in the face. unfortunately you have no choice but for me to ruthlessly kill you dead

so much is happening rn i feel bad for the anime onlys who have to process all this shit within one episode whereas we got several chapters to soak it into our skull sponges

yeah, me too sigma. me too

LMAO DAZAI CALLED CHUUYA A BITCH????? THEY LITERALLY BICKER EVERY TIME THEY INTERACT WHY IS THIS PARTICULAR THING SO FUNNY TO ME

maybe its just cus like 'bitch' is a funny word especially. they can call each other 'ass' and 'bastard' and 'dick' all they want but nothing tops a good 'bitch!!'

hold on bones no. NO. you can't do that. dazai was shot once in the head by chuuya, then he smiles and laments before the scene ends and it's left ambiguous if he dies or not. YOU CAN'T JUST HAVE CHUUYA USING HIS CORPSE AS TARGET PRACTICE

asagiri: i wonder how i should design one order flowey from undertale: asagiri: amazing. brilliant. this will be perfect

well, fuck. im terrified for next week!!

#thungo thursday #i miss gogol i want him to save the world #OR I WANT Q TO COME BACK AND THEY DO IT #OR I WANT THE GANG FROM THAT ONE CHAPTER (MUSHITARO LOVECRAFT KATAI AND KAJII) TO COME BACK AND DO IT THAT WOULD BE THE GREATEST THING EVER #i just need this story to have a happy ending thats all i want for them please asagiri dont

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rkived · 4 years

Text

━ CHASING PAVEMENTS 02 | JJK

↳ PAIRING: dad!jk/married!jk/bff!jk x reader (ft. taehyung)

↳ GENRE/TAGS: f2l, angst, unrequited feelings au, cheating au, future smut

↳ WARNINGS: (for this chapter) time jumps (but it’s not so bad this time aha) mentions of a troubled marriage, mentions of postpartum depression, mentions of alcohol consumption, cheating!!! (obviously don’t do that y’all), a kinda hot makeout session

↳ WORD COUNT: 8.5k

↳ EXCERPT: ‘‘Jungkook shouldn’t be thinking about you, especially on the day of his fourth wedding anniversary to the woman he chose as his wife.’’

↳ A/N: hello!! first of all thanks so much for the love on pt 1 of cp like T_T anyway cp was supposed to be two pts only but as i wrote this chapter i realized that if i ended it on just two parts it would’ve been rushed sooo there’s a part 3 in the works! as always, feedback is much appreciated thx!! <3

01 | 02 | 03

Taehyung finally found a dog-sitter for his dog, Yeontan, or Tannie, like you had begun calling him, after being introduced to him via FaceTime.

He’s been wanting to stay the night over at your place for a while now. Things would get a little heated between you two every time he dropped you off after a night out. But just as you were about to pull him inside your apartment, he’d apologize and explain that he couldn’t stay because his dog was waiting for him at home.

A teacup Pomeranian cockblocked you for a whole month.

But tonight’s finally the night, Taehyung and you have just finished a bottle of wine together and the Netflix movie you had both started watching had been paused so you two could focus on kissing each other properly, no background voices to interrupt.

Taehyung is sweet, but not when he kisses. It’s fast and desperate. As if every time he places his lips on you it’ll be his last. They’re still enjoyable, though. He already knows what places to kiss to make you weak at the knees, he pays extra attention to them.

His hair is a nice length and it’s soft, making your fingers curl into his locks easier. He likes the little tugs you’d give him absent-mindedly, always provoking small groans to come out of his mouth, which in exchange make you moan because his voice seems to get deeper when he gets in the mood.

Your phone’s been vibrating for a few seconds, but you ignore it, not wanting anything or anyone to ruin this for you and him. Eventually, your phone stops and you’re thankful.

Taehyung is midway into kissing and niping over your collarbone’s skin when you hear the doorbell ring. Maybe it’s because you’re both way in the heat of the moment to realize, but it’s not until it’s rang a few more times that you mutter a curse and your date sighs at the interruption.

“I swear to━! If it’s the landlord I’m sending him straight to hell.” you mumble exasperated and Taehyung chuckles, finding your irritation cute. His lips still feel electric, like you're still on them and he’s dying to have you back under him.

You huff and peek into your door’s peep-hole, already preparing to curse out the person on the other side. But you find yourself surprised at the fisheye lens sight of Jungkook with Sunhi in his arms.

It’s not Friday, what is he doing here?, you wonder. Immediately figuring out something’s wrong, Jungkook never comes to your place on days that are not Sunhi’s babysitting days. He hadn’t let you know about any change of plans either.

You open the door without any second thought and find him tickling Sunhi’s belly as she giggles at the action. You eye him and he smiles at your sight, but his face immediately changes once he notices your appearance.

You’re not looking ugly, actually, you’re beautiful. Your makeup is done and he can tell you probably went to the salon to get your hair blown out. But it’s the way your nude pink lipstick is slightly smudged and your hair's a little messy. There are wet patches on your neck and red spots around your collarbones.

“Jungkook?” You speak once you notice he hasn’t explained the reason for his surprise visit, standing there like he had just seen a ghost “Did something happen?”

Yes, something is happening inside of him, but that’s not what you’re asking. Sunhi’s gentle touch on his cheek makes him land back in reality and he has to slightly shake his head “I—uh, called you a few times” is what he comes up with.

Taehyung notices you’re taking a little more time on the door and your voice isn’t raised, which means that it’s not the landlord who you’re dealing with. He stands up and makes his way through the hallway, leaning on the wall as he notices a tall figure looking at you with surprising eyes. There’s a little girl with him and Taehyung immediately realizes this is your friend, the one whose daughter you look out for.

“Sorry, I was a little busy” you reply, but Jungkook’s eyes raise to look somewhere that’s not you and he notices the lingering figure of Kim Taehyung.

Of course, this is his doing. Who else would have access to make you look like this? Little busy means you were in the process of sleeping with him

“But is there something wrong?” you ask again, your attention placed on the little girl in his arms that remains silent, waiting for the right moment so she can show her true colors.

“Uh—I think it’s best we go” Jungkook clears his throat, nodding his head over at Taehyung who is still waiting and watching what’s happening. You turn around and notice him, who in exchange gives you a reassuring smile. “Oh!” you’re reminded of what was going on no longer than a few minutes ago “Jungkook, is everything okay?” you ask once again.

He nods and forces a smile out of him “Just thought we could give a surprise visit to Auntie Y/N, right pumpkin?” Jungkook says looking over at the girl in his arms and his daughter nods, but her face is glued to his neck. She’s feeling shy and it’s rare for her to be that way. “Really, Y/N, it’s fine,” he reassures you, closer this time and you force yourself to nod “sorry for interrupting”.

You can’t even give Sunhi a kiss goodbye or a pat on her back because Jungkook turns around and goes back to where he came from.

Closing the door with a sigh, Taehyung comes up and embraces you in his arms, chin resting over your head. “Everything alright?” he asks and you hum, not sure of what just happened. “This is such a mood killer, I’m sorry.” you mumble and he smiles sweetly “Not at all,” he answers and you’re thankful for his comprehension “was that Sunhi?” he wonders, at this point slightly familiar with the sight of the little girl due to all the videos you send to him whenever you’re babysitting. You nod and he hums, swaying you from side to side slowly.

“Want to finish watching the movie?” Taehyung offers and you twist your face, you no longer remember what the plot is about nor do you have the will to. “Want a massage and some kisses?” his tone is playful and you giggle at his proposal, nodding your head quickly and taking him to your bedroom.

It’s Jungkook’s and Jiwoo’s four year wedding anniversary and it’s also their seven-year dating mark. Jungkook really thought he was being romantic by proposing on the same date as their dating anniversary.

He’s spending it with Sunhi at a fast-food restaurant that’s practically soulless besides him and her, the kitchen staff too; who are probably upset they got clients at this hour.

Jungkook didn’t think he was going to spend the night this way. Well, he figured he was going to spend this day by himself, his daughter to keep him company. Out of the four years of marriage, they’ve only celebrated it once, a few months before Sunhi’s birth. It wasn’t extremely fancy, but it was nice. He still remembers because it feels like one of the most, if not the only, memorable times of their marriage. Before things went south.

He woke up that morning to a reminder on his phone that today was his wedding anniversary. It’s shitty to admit, but if it weren’t for that notification he probably would’ve forgotten. But at least Jungkook set a reminder, because once he went into the kitchen to wish Jiwoo a congratulations for another year together—

“Oh, that’s today?” She asks in surprise, quickly finishing her breakfast smoothie so she can rush off to work.

Jungkook doesn’t feel bad, they’re in the same position in the end. They don’t care about this anymore, but pretend they do. It wasn’t always like this. He still wonders what went wrong. At first, he blamed himself for most of the issues surrounding their relationship. Every argument that happened, he’d apologize even if he wasn’t in the wrong. If Jiwoo was in a bad mood, he figured it was something he had done that made his wife angry enough to curse him out.

Dealing with Jiwoo’s behavior didn’t really bother him for the most part. He had dated her for three years prior to proposing, he knew what he was getting himself into. Marriage wasn’t as different. Things took a turn after she got pregnant with Sunhi.

They had discussed it, the having kids thing. Sunhi did come a little earlier than expected, but they wanted her nonetheless. Pregnancy wasn’t easy for either of them. Jiwoo went through the biggest mood swings and worst morning sickness ever and Jungkook was on the receiving end of the stick. But he didn’t care, because he knew Jiwoo had it worse. Things would get better once their daughter arrived, he hoped.

And they did. For a few months, that is.

Jiwoo did her mom duties the first months of Sunhi’s life and then she was back to work. There was nothing wrong with that, Jungkook knew his wife was making sacrifices in between balancing her new mom life and the one she had before. She had just gone through nine months of pain, it was okay if Jiwoo wanted to go back to her normal life.

The problem was that Jiwoo’s normal life didn’t involve Sunhi. It’s not like she didn’t show her signs of affection, but Jungkook always felt like they came out forced. As if Jiwoo was aware that she was a mom and she had to live up to the name. A chore, even.

And then on one of those cold nights, when their daughter was fast asleep, they were arguing with the lowest voices possible. Jungkook just wanted to understand what was happening, why wasn’t Jiwoo acting like he thought a mom should.

“I just—I don’t feel a connection towards her!”

That was the beginning of the next few years of their marriage.

It didn’t matter how many times Jungkook tried to explain to her that she most likely had postpartum depression—after much research online about patterns of behavior that his wife had displayed—, if anything it only made things worse. One time he even suggested looking for professional help and hell broke loose, as in, Jiwoo slept at her parents’ place for a few days without further announcement.

He begged her to come back. If she swore nothing was wrong, then so it was. And Jungkook had made the silly mistake back then to prefer having Jiwoo in Sunhi’s life, cold and distant, than not having her at all. He thought that if she wasn’t present, then someday his daughter would resent him for pushing her mother away. In reality, Jiwoo was physically there, but neither of them could feel her.

But a few months back, it was Jiwoo who had suggested the idea of having a day of their own. Without Sunhi, obviously. She wanted to go back to those college dating days where it was just them and no one else. Jungkook wasn’t too fond of the idea at first, not wanting to leave his daughter out of it, but Jiwoo whined and said—

“Let’s have Y/N look after her! She’s like, obsessed with the girl.” She, as in you. “It’ll only be one day a week—c’mon baby, for us”.

Except Jungkook wasn’t doing things for them anymore, hadn’t been in a long time. Every decision he took revolved around Sunhi. That’s what set them apart so much. Jiwoo acted like she wasn’t a mom, like there wasn’t supposed to be a three-year-old under her care. It was “Jiwoo first” and then maybe Sunhi and him.

But back then, he was willing to give it a try. For Sunhi.

It’s been six months since then. Fridays are still their days, but Jungkook doesn’t want to share that with her anymore.

Jungkook thought that those “alone times” Jiwoo had offered were meant for them to talk and discuss their problems, figure out their issues and fix them. But instead, all they do is continue arguing about something and then make-up with sex. And then it’s back to normal. He’s come to the conclusion that she does it on purpose just to get what she wants.

Sunhi loves Fridays because it’s “Auntie Y/N playtime” days and Jungkook loves dropping her off because you are just as equally excited to see her. There’s not much exchanged between each of you during those times. Maybe a quick “hey, how are you?” or a nod of your heads in acknowledgement of each other.

He doesn’t want to go back home when he drops Sunhi off. He wishes he could stay with you both. Spend some time with his daughter and his best friend and see what genuine love is supposed to feel like. He hates the drive back to his place because he has to mentally prepare himself to deal with Jiwoo for a couple of hours.

The silver lining out of those dreadful Fridays is getting to see you. At least for a few minutes. Jungkook is able to see you smile and laugh with his daughter. He gets to feel the love you give her and he’s thankful you’re still there. Maybe not for him, but for her.

Jungkook shouldn’t be thinking about you, especially on the fourth year wedding anniversary to the woman he chose as his wife.

But he’s in this fast-food restaurant late at night with Sunhi, who’s munching on some fries as she does a little happy dance. Jiwoo had announced to him after the whole “Congratulations on four years” that she had planned a road trip with her friends, totally forgetting about the date, she was leaving at noon. He is glad, but it stings having to spend this day alone, even if there’s no feelings there anymore.

Which is why he thought about the marvelous idea —at the time— to drop by your place with Sunhi as a surprise. You don’t know what date is today, never bothering to ask about the details of his relationship. Jungkook figured that the only person who could actually give him genuine love today could’ve been you.

But of course you’re still going out with Kim Taehyung. Of course you’re letting him stay at your place. Of course your skin is getting kissed inch by inch because of him and of course you're having him over during Jungkook’s wedding anniversary.

It feels like the universe is mocking him in a way.

Sunhi reaches out with her ketchup covered fingers, handing her dad a nugget with a smile. Jungkook politely accepts it, bowing to her, making the little girl giggle.

“Daddy,” Sunhi speaks and Jungkook nods, allowing her to continue “who was that mister with Auntie Y/N?” she asks and he hums, not really wanting to speak about him with his daughter, but he’s never opposed to Sunhi’s curiosity. Jungkook clears his throat and puts his hands together, his daughter looking at him with expectancy “That mister is a friend of Auntie Y/N’s”.

Jungkook wonders if Kim Taehyung is still considered your friend. It’s been a little while since you had been on your first date with him, but you never mentioned anything more to Jungkook. He knew he had fucked up that night he texted you after the date. So if he’s your boyfriend now, Jungkook is not aware.

“Oh!” Sunhi says, her eyes light up and Jungkook knows what she’s about to say “I want to meet Auntie Y/N’s friend!” His daughter’s innocence is cute and he wishes she could stay this way forever.

All in all, Jungkook is thankful to Jiwoo.

She doesn’t provide him with love anymore and she doesn’t care about how he feels or what he thinks either. But at least she gave him Sunhi, the sweetest girl ever and he’s lucky that out of all the mess that is his relationship with his wife, Sunhi turned out the total opposite.

“Mmm, I don’t know, pumpkin.” Jungkook hums before taking a bite of his burger. “Why not, daddy?” she questions and he knows she’s being serious, Sunhi could ‘why?’ you to death sometimes. “I don’t think Auntie Y/N is going to introduce us to him soon”

Jungkook knows that he’s speaking to a three-year-old and he knows Sunhi better than anyone, so saying that is not going to turn out well for him.

“Why not, daddy?” She asks again, there’s a furrow in her brows and she’s crossing her arms. “Pumpkin, how about I buy you an ice-cream and—“ “Please, tell me!” she demands and he sighs, knowing he set himself up for this.

Before Jungkook can open his mouth to make up a story, Sunhi’s eyes open in surprise and she holds her hands out “Wait! Daddy!” she speaks and Jungkook stops and waits for her to continue “Is he the husband Auntie Y/N is going to have a baby with?”

God damnit, Jiwoo.

“I—uh,” Jungkook is rendered speechless, but Sunhi is smiling with delight at the idea of that hypothetical baby her mother had settled on her weeks ago. “Yes, daddy?” she flashes him a toothy grin and he slumps his shoulders, what point did it have now?

“Yeah, pumpkin, that’s him.” he forces a smile and Sunhi jumps in her seat with excitement.

He doesn’t like lying to his daughter. It might be a little white lie in the end, but Jungkook hates it. It won’t matter in a while, Sunhi will probably end up forgetting it. But the probability of that white lie coming true feels awfully plausible to him.

I’m being dramatic, Jungkook thinks. He knows it’s just the events of the night that are influencing his judgement.

It’s okay if you’re dating Kim Taehyung, he shouldn’t be thinking about that anyway because you’re his friend and he’s married, four years since the event and seven since he decided you were never going to be his.

Sunhi’s happy and she holds onto him tightly once they both leave the fast-food establishment. She smiles at him with sleepy eyes and thanks her dad for the food.

Jungkook knows that he’s being dramatic.

He does receive genuine love and it comes in the form of his three-year-old daughter, whose sticky fingers are making a mess of the Dumbo plush toy he had washed earlier that week.

Jungkook is grateful nonetheless.

“Okay, okay, tell me everything!” Minji’s voice is filled with excitement early in the morning and you’re afraid she’ll somehow manage to wake Taehyung up, even if you’re talking through a phone outside your bedroom.

“Is he big? Or is he girthy? Oh! Is he both? Oh my God, he’s both right?”

You sigh at your friend’s rapid questioning, not even being able to answer because she continues speaking “Is he like, dominant? He totally looks like a dom” At this point, you’re sure she’s talking to herself rather than you, so you wait for her to stop.

“What are you waiting for, then? Spill!”

You roll your eyes, luckily she can’t see you “That’s what I was trying to do.” you mumble and Minji mutters a quick sorry “We actually didn’t—uh, do it” you confess in a low voice, afraid that you may wake up the subject of your conversation, who still lays in your bed sleeping.

“WHAT?!”

You’re glad Minji isn’t physically here, her reaction alone would’ve been enough to wake the whole apartment building “But, you told me he got a dog-sitter and all that just so he could spend the night and blow your brains out!” You actually hadn’t said it like that, but the context was correct. “What happened? Oh my God, don’t tell me you backed out” Minji’s tone is slightly angry, you can feel she’s about to curse you out if that was the case.

“No! Ugh, can you let me finish?” You complain and she’s apologizing again, explaining that these sorts of situations get her a little overexcited “Well, we were in the process of getting to it, but—“

You think to yourself if it’s a good decision to tell Minji what happened, knowing exactly what her reaction was going to be.

“Uh-huh? Go on.”

Fuck it.

“Jungkook dropped by.” you quickly spill out and Minji’s groan is powerful, you know she’s genuinely upset “Unannounced, which is super weird of him to do too! So, I asked him if there was something wrong and he just looked at me, like, shocked or something and said that he just wanted to give me a surprise visit with Sunhi,”

“And then he saw Taehyung and apologized for interrupting and left,” you mutter, the scene repeating itself in your brain “I couldn’t even say bye to her.”

There’s silence and you wonder why Minji hasn’t said anything yet, knowing she probably wants hell to break loose on Jungkook. “So, that’s why me and Tae didn’t do anything, it was too...awkward? He still stayed the night, though.”

After the whole ordeal, you knew the night was ruined. In part it was because of you. You could’ve jumped back to where you both left off, but your head was filled with what had just happened with your friend and were no longer able to concentrate on Taehyung’s kisses. You had to give it to him, though, because he stuck around even if his plans for the night had been interrupted.

And sleeping with Taehyung still felt intimate, even if there was nothing sexual going on. He held onto you tightly before you could close your eyes and drift to sleep, being surprised by how comfortable he felt doing that. “I have to sleep hugging something,” he explained and you nodded, understanding “plus, I like the way you smell” he added, burying his head in the crook of your neck, sniffing the expensive perfume you had sprayed earlier while you prepared for his arrival. Chuckling, your fingers found themselves brushing his hair until he fell asleep.

“So, are you gonna say something?” you ask her, noticing the silence coming from her behalf, unusual from Minji.

She sighs and you can feel she’s conflicted about what to tell you “Why is he like that?” she asked instead and you let out a breathless chuckle, wondering the same thing “The timing is so weird, as well. Like, he never stops by unless it’s to drop Sunhi off and the day he decides he’ll visit you for the fun of it, you’re having Taehyung over?” Minji’s suspicion sounds plausible, but you know it was just a coincidence.

You hadn’t mentioned to him anything about Taehyung, not after what happened that one time during texts. Jungkook was your friend, but you should’ve kept that from him. He was a married man and a father, he had other priorities in his life and the last thing he wanted was to know who and what you were involved with.

“He knows he’s losing you.” Minji speaks and you’re surprised by her statement, not understanding fully what she meant “You’ve always been there for him, always. It’s been that way since college,” You don’t know if Minji is reprimanding you by the way her tone comes off “And now you’re not only there for him, but for his daughter too. I’m sure he’s used to you somehow being loyal to him, so now that you have another guy in your life—“

“No, Minji, look—“

“No, I’m right, Y/N” Minji interrupts you doing the same to her.

But you know she’s not right. Have you been loyal to Jungkook? Yes, but just like you’ve been loyal to Minji too, because she’s your friend and you’ll do that for anyone you love as well. You’ve dated guys before, back in college and after too. This isn’t any different from that.

“I don’t know who he’s trying to fool, but his marriage’s an argument away from ending up in divorce. You know it.” Minji continues and you let out a sigh, not wanting to think about that. You don’t like his relationship with Jiwoo, but you’d never wish that for him “I’m not gonna make crazy assumptions, in the end, I don’t like the guy and whatever I say will be against him” Minji’s humor makes you chuckle even through the heavy topic “but I just—I don’t know, I don’t want him to ruin what you have going on with Taehyung just because you’re concerned over what’s going on with him.”

You eventually hang up on her, explaining that you have a few things to do around the apartment. Like cleaning up the glasses of wine and cheese table you and Taehyung had drank and eaten last night.

Minji’s words do resonate with you.

She has a point, you think.

Maybe Jungkook doesn’t share much of his life with you, but you’ll always be there for him. You’ll be there for him even if you have no clue what’s going on. You’ll be there when he needs help with Sunhi, because you love her just as much. You’ll be there when he decides to open up more about his marriage to Jiwoo and you’ll pretend you support the relationship even if you don’t.

You just want him to be happy.

Jungkook is doing the bimonthly grocery shopping, Sunhi’s sitting on the cart’s baby seat as she plays with her plush toy. He’s picking between what fabric softener to take this time, the Downy he loves is sold out.

His phone vibrates in his pocket and he figures that it’s Jiwoo with a last minute request. He’s surprised to see it’s you, who he hasn’t talked to since that eventful night he dropped by last week.

He knows why you’re texting and he’s already figuring out what to say.

[6:47 PM] Y/N: hey it’s friday

[6:47 PM] Y/N: u didn’t text me anything abt dropping sunhi off today sooo...

[6:47 PM] Y/N: guess i’m wondering if i’ll see her tonight?

Jungkook figured that you’ll be busier now, so he wants to limit Sunhi’s days. Much to Jiwoo’s distaste of not having all Fridays with him alone, but he explained that you now had a boyfriend and needed those Friday nights back.

He was just being petty, but that was most likely the case. Friday is a perfect day. It’s the end of the work week for most, coming home to rest and spend time with your loved ones. Jungkook knows you haven’t had a Friday night to yourself for the last six months, except that one you shared with Kim Taehyung and you were pretty excited then.

[6:48 PM] Jeon Jungkook: hey y/n! yeah don’t stress, we’ll have sunhi for tonight :)

[6:48 PM] Jeon Jungkook: maybe even some more fridays from now on

Sunhi wasn’t particularly fond of the idea either, but all Jungkook had to do was bring that ━dumb━ white lie up again. The “Auntie Y/N is giving you a cousin to play with” lie.

That lie he hated spewing out, but it was the only one that seemed to calm her down.

[6:49 PM] Y/N: what???

[6:49 PM] Y/N: i mean….i guess i’m glad that u guys are gonna have her but idk ??? i’ve gotten used to fridays with her

Jungkook smiled slightly at your text, not expecting any different reaction from you. He knows you love his daughter so much that even the thought of not having her for a day bothers you.

[6:50 PM] Jeon Jungkook: aww it’s alright

[6:50 PM] Jeon Jungkook: invite over that guy you had last time, u deserve it

The messages have already left and been read by the time he regrets doing it, which is straight after he sends them. He knows it’s the jealousy that’s speaking, he wishes he was genuinely saying that because you actually do deserve it.

[6:51 PM] Y/N: oh

[6:52 PM] Y/N: then please drop sunhi off tonight

Jungkook furrows his brows and begins typing to reiterate what he had previously said, but your quick reply makes him stop.

[6:51 PM] Y/N: and before u leave, stay for a few minutes

[6:51 PM] Y/N: we need to talk

Jungkook sighs and runs his hand through his hair. Sunhi stares at her father and wonders why he’s taking so long picking one of those “good smelling liquids” he loves to wash her clothes with.

He turns to look at her with a small smile “Sunhi, wanna go to Auntie Y/N’s?” Jungkook doesn’t need a vocal answer, because a quick nod of her head with a big grin is enough to know what she wants.

Jiwoo was probably going to be pissed that he decided to take a detour, but he thinks the text he sent her about stopping by to buy Sunhi an ice-cream will save him some time.

He wonders what it is that you want to talk about. Now that he thinks about it, you’ve never told him that before, which inevitably makes him nervous. He does not like confrontation and arguing with someone that’s not his wife makes him anxious. Especially if it’s you.

You greet them with a smile on your face and Jungkook’s nerves calm down at the sight of you. Sunhi shares her sentiment and her arms immediately begin begging for you to take her, which you do and Jungkook feels like he could burst with joy. He wishes this is what he could come home to.

You turned around, already heading inside with Sunhi in your arms while she begins excitedly talking about something. Jungkook lets himself in, seeing that you hadn’t closed the door to let him know he’s allowed to leave. He tries to forget the events of last week and how Kim Taehyung had been leaning on the same walls he’s now passing by. Sitting on the couch awkwardly, knowing this is where he had most likely been kissing you on before Jungkook interrupted.

‘‘Sunhi, do you mind waiting in my room for a little? I want to talk to your daddy.’’ you ask the little girl, interrupting her rambling and she nods rapidly. Jungkook is amazed at how you always manage to convince his daughter, you’re not even persuasive enough ‘‘I’ll play Chip & Potato on my laptop for you, alright?’’ you offer and she smiles, bouncing her way into your room without even sparing a glance to her dad.

You take some time setting everything up in your room to keep Sunhi safe and distracted while Jungkook is sighing every single minute that passes by, his leg bouncing up and down, unsure of what it is that you want to talk about. A lot of possible announcements go through his head and most of them are bad.

Jungkook doesn’t even realize you’re back until you clear your throat, announcing your return and noticing his eyes are gone staring into the well; a frequent habit of his whenever he’s deep in thought. He looks up at you, whose arms are crossed as you give a look Jungkook can’t quite figure out.

‘‘What’s up with you?’’ you ask, but Jungkook doesn’t know if it’s a rhetorical or genuine question, before he’s able to stutter an answer, you continue ‘‘I need to know, because I don’t understand what’s going on right now.’’ He can’t tell if you’re angry, but he can feel the frustration in your tone.

He wishes he could answer that question, because he barely knows what’s going on with him. ‘‘There’s nothing going on’’ he lies and you scoff, obviously not amused by his shallow answer ‘‘Why would you think that?’’ Jungkook wonders, but he’s pretending not to know.

‘‘Are you kidding me?’’ you are mad, but Jungkook’s impressed by how you’re able to remain calm and collected ‘‘First, you decide to act indifferent when I tell you about my date and then you show up at my apartment, unannounced, and when I ask what’s wrong you just up and leave─’’

‘‘Y/N, that’s not─’’

‘‘No, I’m not done. Please, let me finish.’’ Jungkook is not used to arguing this way, but he respects your request and lets you continue, muttering a sorry before you speak again ‘‘And now, you’re limiting my days with Sunhi because you want me to take the day off because ‘I deserve it’ and, coincidentally, mention Taehyung?’’ You’re laying it all out on the table and when you put it that way, Jungkook is able to see how shitty the whole situation looks like.

‘‘So, I’m asking you again, what’s up with you?’’

Jungkook remains silent, his eyes are staring at the ground like a scolded child. Is this how Sunhi feels like? He wishes he had an excuse to give you, but he doesn’t. In fact, the only answer he’ll be capable of giving you is one he knows you’ll probably not like.

You sigh deeply and sit down next to him, a space between you two and Jungkook still somehow feels comforted by your action. He knows you’re angry and yet you want to be close to him. Jungkook isn’t sure why you still try, even though he’s done about anything to push you away.

‘‘I just─I’m trying my best to be a good friend to you, but then you go and do things like this and━’’ you stop and Jungkook finally looks at you and waits for you to continue ‘‘I don’t know, I just need some clarity, for once. I need you to be honest with me.’’

‘‘I don’t like Kim Taehyung.’’

Jungkook’s lying, sort of.

There’s a partial truth to his statement, but it’s not really the reason as to why he’s been acting this way.

This is what you want to hear, he thinks.

There’s a surprised look on your face, expecting anything else besides that. You’re not even able to reply because he’s continuing, at this point there was no turning back so he might as well take the opportunity.

‘‘Yeah, I don’t like that dude. In fact, I don’t want you to date him.’’ Jungkook says, shrugging his shoulders and you furrow your brows, shocked at your friend’s bold revelation. ‘‘It’s selfish, yeah, but it’s how I feel.’’

Jungkook is standing up from where he’s sitting, not being able to see you looking at him that way. This is usually how arguments with Jiwoo end up, with him leaving to get some air or alcohol, too tired to keep going back and forth.

‘‘Yeah, this is not it.’’ you let out a breathless chuckle, following behind him ‘‘You’re just an asshole and Minji’s right, you’ve always been this way’’ Jungkook is used to the insult, but at the mention of your best friend ─who hates him─ he stops and turns around ‘‘Did she finally manage to make you turn your back on me?’’

You laugh and he’s taken aback ‘‘You’re unbelievable! You think you have the right to treat me how you please and then tell me you don’t want me to date whoever I want?’’ Jungkook knows you’re right, but right now he wishes you weren’t.

‘‘You’re married, Jungkook. You chose to date and marry Jiwoo, who I’ve never liked, but I never told you that because you’re my friend and I will always support you even if I don’t like the decisions you take. So don’t say I’m turning my back on you, because I’ve never had and never will.’’

He just wants to blurt it out. He wants to tell you it’s not because he doesn’t like Kim Taehyung in particular. It could be anyone else and he still wouldn’t like them, but he’s angry and he doesn’t want you to see the person he becomes when he’s arguing with Jiwoo.

‘‘I’m sorry,’’ he mutters and you want to tell him no, that he’s not allowed to apologize, but you know there’s something more and as much as you’d like for him just to let you in deeper, all you’re able to do is shake your head in disappointment and sigh ‘‘I’ll pick up Sunhi later’’.

Jungkook doesn’t let you say anything else, quickly leaving your place so he can run away from the confrontation, at least for a few hours before he has to face you again and pretend this never happened.

Contrary to your belief, Jungkook is still wearing the same clothes he came with hours ago. It’s almost midnight now and you had spent the last few hours wondering where he could’ve been. You don’t think he must’ve gone back home, there’s a faint smell of alcohol lingering on him.

‘‘She’s asleep’’ you announce, stepping aside to let his tall figure come in, but he stands there looking at you with the eyes you’ve grown accustomed to. He’s apologizing, but he’s not saying anything. ‘‘Come in, please’’ you silently ask.

He’s surprised to see a glass of wine on your coffee table and he wonders if the argument had also made you decide to drink as well. He wasn’t tipsy, but he at least felt calm enough to forget he was ever angry in the first place.

‘‘I don’t wanna go home’’ he silently confesses and you give him a confused look ‘‘Please, can-can we talk this through?’’ Jungkook’s asking, but it feels like he’s pleading. You’ve never seen him like this and you wonder if it’s the effects of the alcohol in his system. ‘‘I-I don’t wanna fuck this up, please.’’

His bottom lip is stuck out trembling and you quickly take his hands and guide him to the sofa you were both sitting on before the argument broke out. It’s the small sign of affection that makes Jungkook sigh peacefully. The way your thumbs rub his hands soothingly, not wanting him to break down.

‘‘I don’t━’’ Jungkook hesitates at first, but you encourage him to continue ‘‘I don’t wanna go back to her.’’ You know right away he’s talking about Jiwoo.

You’re slightly surprised, only because he’s told you there’s been issues, but you believed they were working them out. But by the look on his face, you know they’ve probably reached a point beyond repair.

It’s ironic how you’re always wishing for Jungkook to open up to you, but when he does you never seem to know what to say. All you’re able to offer him is a hug and the one you give him right now makes him feel small. It’s comforting and your smell is enough to make him close his eyes in peacefulness.

He’d love to stay here forever.

‘‘I don’t wanna fight with you ever again’’ he mumbles, voice muffled because his face is buried on your neck as your arms surround his broad back. You let out a breathless chuckle and nod, sharing his sentiment.

‘‘Why didn’t you tell me?’’ he asks, raising his head slightly to look at you and you wonder what he’s talking about. Jungkook notices the furrow in your brows ‘‘Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t like her?’’.

Oh, that.

It was a heat of the moment revelation, one you had intended to never say out loud.

You shrug your shoulders, not really thinking it was that big of a deal now ‘‘Does it matter? You were head over heels for her, I don’t think my opinion would’ve changed that.’’ you chuckle, remembering how excited Jungkook had been when he told you he managed to bag a date with the pretty girl in one of his classes ‘‘You still are.’’ you add and he quickly shakes his head no, his hair tickling your neck and you try so hard not to giggle at the sensation.

Jungkook’s hand comes to cup your cheek, making you look at him and the proximity makes you become aware of how close you two actually are right now. He looks determined, but you don’t really know what he’s thinking, at least you don’t expect the confession he’s about to make.

‘‘’M not,’’ he begins, looking you straight in the eyes and the surprise makes you back away a little, but he’s quickly pulling you closer again ‘‘haven’t been in a long time, actually.’’ You know Jungkook’s being honest because this feels like what he's been wanting to tell you for some time, but had never mustered up the courage to say out loud.

And it is, because Jungkook’s been thinking about it a lot. Finally saying it feels different, like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders. He feels lighter now, he’s placed all those burdens somewhere far away right now.

‘‘’M tired of pretending. I only do it for Sunhi’’ he sighs out, his soju infused breath grazes over your face and you're forced to look down, his eyes making you feel nervous, but he wasn’t going to let you hide just like that. He tilts your chin up to make you look at him again and you let out a shaky breath ‘‘I wanna stay here,’’ he mumbles ‘‘with you.’’

Your lips part slightly at his confession and you know there’s definitely something more than friendly in it. Jungkook’s hand drops from your face and he’s taking your hand in his, intertwining your fingers with his own.

You’re unsure of what’s going on, a part of you is screaming to stop whatever Jungkook’s doing, not used to the unknown territory.

But the other part is silently enjoying it, liking the way he looks at you like you’re special and the way your hand seems to fit perfectly into his.

‘‘Would you like that?’’ his question is merely a whisper and you gulp.

You’re trying to reason with yourself, because this is your best friend, the one you’ve known for eight years. The one who, maybe years ago, before Jiwoo came into the picture, you might’ve crushed on once. But that was so long ago that you had even forgotten about it.

It’s Jungkook, it’s almost impossible not to catch feelings for him at one point or another. But he never saw you that way, at least he never let you know he did. Once he and Jiwoo became a thing, you knew he hadn’t. It didn’t matter, though. Because he was happy and you’d find someone that made you feel that way too.

But he’s here now, confessing that he no longer loves the woman he chose as his girlfriend and wife all those years ago. He’s not happy. Instead, all he wants is to stay here with you. To be happy with you.

You don’t even realize you’re nodding, until you feel him squeeze your hand and give you a warm smile.

‘‘Can━Can I kiss you?’’ he asks timidly and your eyebrows shoot up at his words, the corners of his mouth raise up at your reaction. There’s a lot of things running through your mind right now, all the reasons as to why you shouldn’t be in this position right now.

But you still manage to muster up a shaky ‘‘please’’ and it’s with that word that Jungkook grabs your face with his hands and gently kisses you. There’s slight shock on you at first, not kissing back right away. But it’s the way Jungkook’s lips softly brush against yours, delicately, that make you reciprocate.

If this feels like uncharted territory to you, it feels like a different universe for him. For the past seven years, he’s kissed the same lips. Slowly losing the feeling of enjoyment of kissing, always feeling like it’s an obligation. But this feels different, better even. He might go as far to say this is perfect.

You forget about the real world for a moment while Jungkook’s kissing you.

In the real world, Jungkook is a married man and a father.

In the real world, you’re involved with another man, one whose company you enjoy.

But the real world doesn’t matter right now, you’re too focused on the sheer electricity of Jungkook’s kisses to think clearly.

Jungkook’s hands travel from your face to your neck, his fingers tracing the skin lovingly, he doesn’t know it’s also your sensitive spot and so, when you shudder, he smirks into the kiss and his lips leave yours, placing kisses along your jaw until he stops at the place you seem to love the most. A shaky breath comes out of you, fingers coming to lace themselves with his hair, enjoying the way he kisses tenderly into your neck, biting the skin, but not harsh, afraid that it might make you realize and regret what’s happening.

You tug at his hair gently and he emits a low groan at the action ‘‘Sunhi’s s-sleeping’’ you whisper, warning him about his daughter who wasn’t that far from where you both were. Jungkook is still focused on you, he’s trailing down to your collarbones and all he can think about is how he had seen you last week, another guy doing the same thing he’s doing now.

‘‘Tell me to stop, then’’ he mumbles before he’s biting into the skin over your collarbones, wanting to leave a mark. Maybe next time you see Kim Taehyung he’ll see them and wonder how you got them because he hadn’t made those last time. You don’t ask him to, instead you let out a small moan at the way it stings when he nips at your skin. Jungkook chuckles, pleased that you’re enjoying this as much as he is.

He’s back on your lips in a flash, but the kiss is different this time. It’s sensual, feeling a little more familiarized with the waters he’s currently navigating across. He traps your lower lip between his teeth and you’re trying so hard not to make any noise, aware that Sunhi could wake up at any given minute because of the noises in the living room.

Jungkook’s hands are lingering over your chest, your t-shirt ridden low, exposing your cleavage to him and he’s teasing you already, his index finger lightly tracing the curve of your breasts as he continues his lips’ ministrations. The sensation brings goosebumps to your body and your hands are clasped together around his neck, bringing him even closer as physically possible..

His hands make their way down your figure and land on your waist, gripping the skin and your hips involuntarily rise up, begging for more. He takes this opportunity to place his palms on your ass, squeezing the soft skin and sighing into your mouth, the feeling’s too good, so good that he feels like he’s hallucinating this whole thing.

You feel dizzy, like the whole room’s spinning except for you and him. You don’t want his hands to ever leave your body and you wish you could just kiss him forever, not knowing how badly you had been wanting this.

‘‘Auntie Y/N? Daddy?’’

As if you had been broken from a spell, you push Jungkook away from you and notice Sunhi lazily rubbing at her eyes, clutching the Dumbo plush toy in her arm. Jungkook manages to land safely on the edge of the couch and you quickly head over to Sunhi, kneeling to match her height and ask her what’s wrong, hoping she hadn’t seen anything from her position.

‘‘Nuffin,’’ she replies with a yawn ‘‘tired, cuddle me.’’ she asks, grabbing your hand and tugging at it to take you to your room. You gave a quick glance to her father, who was looking dumbfounded on your couch, breathing as he had just ran a marathon, there’s a pillow covering his lap and you figure out what he’s trying to hide.

You stop the little girl and she’s looking at you with sleep written all over her face ‘‘Baby, you’re daddy’s here, you have to go home now’’ you explain and she frowns, crossing her arms and stomping her foot on the ground ‘‘No! I wanna stay here with you’’.

Like father, like daughter.

You know the right thing to do is tell her once again that she has to leave, but you knew that meant you’d have to deal with a crying Sunhi, you usually wouldn’t bother, but right now your mind couldn’t handle it. You sighed and hummed, trying to think of a fast solution.

‘‘Okay, wait for me in my bed, I’ll be there soon’’.

Sunhi smiles and nods, quickly going back to your room. You suppose she hadn’t seen anything from a few minutes ago and you breathe out a sigh of relief. Once again you’re alone with Jungkook and he’s clearing his throat as if to grab your attention. You turn around and he’s looking at you with those big doe eyes of his, the ones where he’s looking for answers to life’s questions.

‘‘I─uh, I’ll put her back to sleep so you can take her home’’ you explain, but before Jungkook can say anything you quickly continue ‘‘I guess you should call Jiwoo to let her know you’ll be late.’’

You’re gone by the time Jungkook’s able to process your words. They serve him as a cold reminder of the reality of what had just happened. He had just kissed you and you kissed him back. Things had quickly escalated and he wondered whether you would’ve stopped them if Sunhi hadn’t woken up.

Jiwoo doesn’t care if he’s late. That text he had sent her about stopping for ice-cream with Sunhi had been seen and left unanswered hours ago. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t feel guilty about what he did. If anything, he’d do it again, but he’s not sure if you’d say the same.

Time passes and it’s almost 1 AM now and Jungkook hears no noise coming from your room, let alone you coming out with his asleep daughter so he’s able to go home. He quietly enters your room to find Sunhi and you asleep, the little girl snuggled up to your chest and you with your chin propped over her head, arm splayed over her small body. Jungkook’s surprised to see that the plush toy Sunhi can’t seem to be able to sleep without is left ignored on her other side, back turned to it.

He can’t help but smile at the sight. It feels like he’s on dreamland, this is something he had always wished to see, but had never been able to. Once Sunhi grew old enough to sleep on her own bed, Jiwoo hadn’t allowed her to sleep on their bed again.

It’s silly to keep comparing between you two, he knew you’d always do things right.

Jungkook finds it complicated to take Sunhi home now, seeing how you two had trapped each other. It’s almost as if it was done intentionally. Jungkook chuckles and shakes his head slightly, getting closer to the two to properly place the blanket you were both sharing. He tucks a piece of hair that had fallen over your face and with the back of his finger, he graces Sunhi’s cheek lovingly.

He turns the light off and heads back to the living room, making himself comfortable on your couch as he prepares to spend a few more hours at your place. His eyelids start getting heavy and he finds himself sleepy in no time.

Jungkook hopes he’s not dreaming already, imagining everything that just happened, because when he wakes up, it’ll be back to his normal life.

At least right now, for a few hours, he’ll be able to feel the comfort of your home and reminisce on the events of merely an hour ago and hope they are enough to last him a lifetime.

#jungkook au #jungkook fic #jungkook scenario #jungkook angst #jungkook drabble #jungkook fanfic #jungkook smut #bts fanfic #bts smut #jeon jungkook #jungkook x reader #jungkook imagine #writing #f: chasing pavements #aaaa dumbass oc

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ruensroad · 4 years

Text

if wishes were fishes - a ZhanCheng AU

Chapter One

Can also be read on AO3 here!

Once, five years ago, he had been accused of seeing things far out of the righteous perspective. That his mind had been clouded, fisheyed and narrow to all things good and just and right.

And while he couldn’t speak one way or the other about that even now, he had to admit the fisheye comment had been a bit off the mark.

“I’m so, so sorry Hanguang-jun!” poor A-Yuan kept saying, as he had since he’d first picked up the shining fish amulet. Lan Wangji had never been good with words, but in his current state he couldn’t summon up even one, and he was at a loss on how to comfort the boy he had come to treasure like a son.

Thankfully, they weren't alone, and though A-Yi was brash and stubborn, he had just as good a heart as the best of them and patted A-Yuan’s back in reassurance. “You didn’t know, A-Yuan!” he defended and Lan Wangji had never been more relieved of their friendship. “That slimy toad tricked you!”

A-Yuan sniffled, the tears too big on his face as he looked down into the basket, which had thankfully been placed in the water. It’d been the best they could do and if his lips weren’t a gaping fish mouth, he’d praise them both for their quick thinking.

But he was a fish, silver and white and blue, a carp with flowing fins and a long body. He could feel the animal’s instincts to swim strongly and fought against them, staying quiet in the small basket so as not to worry the boys. His depth of vision was astounding, which he was thankful for, and he could see in all colors, even those his human eyes could not. It was breathtaking, really, a small comfort in the madness his day had turned into.

He’d just known coming to the Conference in Yunmeng had been an inauspicious idea.

You’ve done well, he thought hard at A-Yuan, and nodded his head in the water. Thankfully, A-Yuan seemed to understand and smiled a bit, sniffling into his sleeve. It was a habit Lan Wangji had been trying to gently curb, but right now he could see it for the comfort it was and all of his heart ached.

“I got it! I got it!”

They all turned to see the young heir of Koi Tower (the irony was not lost on him) hurry over with a clay pot that was nearly as big as he was. Lan Wangji was more than a little impressed with the six year old’s ability to carry it by himself, even if the rest of him wanted to remind him not to run with breakable objects. He had a feeling he’d have been ignored in this situation.

“Yes!” A-Yi cheered and helped Jin Ling set down the pot on the bank of the lotus lake. Lan Wangji knew the boys had never interacted before this Conference, but already they seemed thick as thieves, working together to dip the pot into the water to fill it, then carry it back up the bank.

“We need handles,” A-Yi panted, looking around for anything to use. “We can’t drop Hanguang-jun!”

“Jiujiu knows how to make handle knots,” Jin Ling offered when they couldn’t find much but lakeweed. Lan Wangji immediately winced and to his dismay the boys seemed to agree that calling for the Sect Leader of Yunmeng was a smart option. He was torn between pride at their sense of self, that they recognized they needed an adult and further aid - and mortification, because of all people to lean on, he’d rather cut off his own foot with Bichen then be helped by Jiang Cheng.

Jiang Cheng, who’d probably laugh himself to stitches seeing his predicament. The man had made no effort to hide his dislike for him, which was a relief, because it meant Lan Wangji didn’t have to hide his own dislike right back. He could count only a handful of times they’d been almost cordial with one another, and none of those times were recent. Too much had happened since, too many bridges broken between them.

And now, it seemed, Jiang Cheng was to help. If he’d been a man made to laugh, he would have, fish lips and all, but it was a fleeting thought. If he could praise the boys for their knowing when they needed help, he could be humble enough to admit the same. As much as he hated the thought of Jiang Cheng knowing, it was logically only a matter of time before he did anyway. He had to get back to the conference, to his brother and uncle, and three boys carrying a pot too heavy for them with a fish inside was going to attract notice. At least with Jiang Cheng glowering at everyone, they had a good chance of getting there quickly.

He sighed to himself and made sure to nod at the boys when they looked at him with hopeful faces. It was all Jin Ling needed and he was off like a shot to track down his uncle.

That left A-Yuan and A-Yin in charge of helping him into the pot. For a moment, they tried lifting him, and he did his best to stay perfectly still, but he was slick and their hands too small, and he ended up toppling back into the basket. So, they tried simply dragging the basket close to the pot for him to jump into, which went much more smoothly, and once again he was proud of their ingenuity.

The feeling was quick to leave, however, when the footsteps came. Thunderous, purposeful, only one man had the ability to cut through every moment like a lightning bolt striking a tree, and this time was no different. With his trademark scowl on, Jiang Cheng was an imposing figure, and looked intensely irritated. Lan Wangji could admit he didn’t know the man well enough to know if that irritation was real, or if it was just the man’s mask of confusion, or some other feeling. The old maxum of frowns becoming rooted permanently into faces had proven true with the man. Lan Wangji had only seen him smile twice throughout the entire Conference, and only when he thought he was alone with Jin Ling. They were private things, not meant for anyone else, and Lan Wangji had felt almost guilty to witness it.

That guilt was far gone now. A-Yuan looked a tad fearful and if he’d had his body, he would have stepped between them. That didn’t stop him from sticking his head out of the water and glaring back as best he could with a cockeyed fish face. Jiang Cheng only looked disgusted.

“How the f- how did this happen?” was all he said, looking at the boys. Lan Wangji was almost surprised at his effort not to curse at them, though that didn’t stop his fishy glaring. “And when?”

“Just a little while ago, Sect Leader Jiang,” A-Yuan said immediately. “In the market. One of the vendors was selling amulets and I touched one. The next thing…” He sniffled and gestured to the pot, crestfallen and guilty. Lan Wangji turned to face him as a sign of comfort and blew bubbles in the water, which made the boy smile a bit. Success.

“Amulet?” The frown on Jiang Cheng’s face darkened considerably, his sharp eyes flicking over to the market. “Who?”

“He disappeared!” A-Yi exclaimed, throwing his hands out wide as though it would help explain better. “Just poof!”

Jiang Cheng looked torn between yelling and sighing, which ultimately won out. “And the amulet?”

“It’s here,” A-Yuan lifted it from where he’s put it on his neck for safe keeping. He’d needed both hands to try to get a flopping fish into the basket and into water. Not the best solution, but the boy was only seven and Lan Wangji was proud all the same.

But even that pride gave way to panic when the amulet glowed, refusing to let the boy take it off. The tears were quick to come back to A-Yuan’s eyes as he pulled and tugged to no avail. The amulet refused to rise over his chin. “S-Sect Leader!”

“Hey, breathe.” Jiang Cheng was not what anyone could call a gentle person, and even now his tone was a little too sharp for Lan Wangji’s liking. He turned in the pot to glare, but was startled to watch the man kneel down and catch A-Yuan’s hands, stopping the boy from hurting himself with the pulling. “Is it hurting you?” he demanded, confident and clear, and when A-Yuan shook his head, he carefully forced the boy to let go of the amulet by pulling his fingers free of the fish. “Then leave it for now. Let’s get to Zewu-jun, he’ll know what to do.”

“Okay,” A-Yuan was still trembling, but seeing Jiang Cheng so calm had him trying to be brave. Lan Wangji was startled to see the effect on all three of the boys, not just A-Yuan. They were all standing a little straighter, a little more serious, like tiny soldiers about to go to war, instead of just moving a pot with a fish.

“A-Ling, you and your friends go and find me a good long rope, the kind we use on the boats.” it was a simple request but it shot through them like lightning, and they all hurried off into the market. Which, unfortunately, left Lan Wangji alone.

He braced himself for the laughing, or the lecture. He glared in a preemptive strike to combat whatever Jiang Cheng would throw at him, but all he got was a long suffering sigh and the man rubbing a hand down his face after a beat of simply glaring back. “How the fuck is this my life?”

For once, Lan Wangji could agree.

#ruenwrites #zhancheng #jiang cheng #lan wangji #lan sizhui #jin ling #lan jingyi

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theres-no-protocol-for-this · 3 years

Text

Hitching a Ride

I don’t know where this idea came from, and I have even less idea about where it’s going. A security construct is hitchhiking across the Corporation Rim. What could possibly go wrong? Part I.

The station's manifest listed the Traveler as a long-distance cargo hauler midway through its multi-month journey. The ship's destination was a freehold world somewhere outside of the Corporation Rim. The trip was slated to take at least twenty cycles. In other words, it sounded like an ideal scenario for a rogue construct trying to get as far from its owner company as physically possible while dealing with a minimal number of humans.

Assuming, of course, the transport would let me along for the ride.

I approached its embarkation platform during a shift change. It seemed like a good bet. There were a lot of humans around; most of them were low-tech employees who babysat the bots that did most of the heavy lifting. No one paid much attention to a tall, weird stranger in heavy work boots. Probably because I was dressed pretty much identically to most of them.

I lightly nudged the ship in the feed to see if its bot pilot was amenable to conversing. Directly communicating with vessels was still a novel experience for me. SecUnits have standard protocols for this sort of thing, and I guess I could've fallen back on those. But, I'd spoken to at least a few other bots recently and was learning that each one was different. I'd picked up a few tricks during those interactions and wanted to see if any of them might work.

I'd learned, for example, that most ships are programmed to protect themselves from theft. Sounds reasonable -- these are insured vessels, often with precious cargo inside -- and no one wants to pay for its loss. But most of the anti-theft measures assume some form of human involvement. So, odds were good that no one had told the Traveler to be wary of other friendly bots or constructs.

"Hello," I said via the feed when the ship didn't immediately disregard my ping. "May I ride with you to your next destination?"

I used words and images to convey the message because most of the bots I'd met so far didn't speak like human beings. Also, I had nothing to offer the transport. Then again, the bots I'd ridden with so far hadn't necessarily wanted anything. My last ride had been bored and seeking friendly company, and the ship before that had wanted to discuss star charts in depth. I now knew more about mapmaking than I ever wanted to.

The Traveler, which had an unfamiliar logo on its hull, answered by opening the nearest airlock and sending a small drone to meet me. The floating cylinder with tiny mechanical arms beeped impatiently at me as it hovered in front of my face. It didn't stop until I came inside the airlock cycled shut behind me.

Most of the ships I'd ridden so far mostly communicated with me in images and snippets of code. Only one had used spoken words, and that had been an uncomfortable experience all around. I'd gotten to know perhaps half a dozen ship-based machine intelligences since starting the journey, and none of them thought even remotely like me. Their minds were beautifully alien and utterly fascinating, a far cry from the humans I'd dealt with for most of my life.

The Traveler's drone stared at me with its single-lens camera. I looked away and scanned the room.

It was barren but spotless and minimally furnished. Several space-capable evacuation suits hung in a locker to my left. Dim, diffuse lighting cast the corridor ahead of me in deep, dark shadows. A strip of bright illumination pointed the way deeper into the ship.

The transport was running with only minimal life support, and it was chilly as I walked down the hall, following the drone. I shivered and slowed my breathing as much as possible. Without plenty of oxygen, I'd need to spend more time in stasis, but it was a small price to pay for a ride out of the Rim.

I felt something large appear in the feed, a vast and complex presence, unlike anything I'd ever encountered before. It had the overall signature of the Traveler but didn't behave anything like the other bot pilots that I'd met. Its massive size reflecting some vast array of processing power, and I wondered what it worked on when not ferrying freight and passengers across the galaxy.

My risk assessment module advised caution. Anything that powerful could probably decimate the protective walls around my mind if it wanted to. That it let me in at all suggested it wasn't malicious. But, like with any sentient mind, you never know.

"What are you?" I asked.

"A better question might be what you are and what do you want."

This was new. None of the bots had spoken with me like this before. The one who had bothered with words had preferred quoting ancient poets. The intelligence behind these words sounded... curious, perhaps, and just as cautious as I was. I could understand its pressing questions; rogue constructs are unpredictable, and we're seen as catastrophically dangerous by most humans. I think the media plays up the dangerous part. Inviting one aboard could spell a lot of trouble for the Traveler.

"I'm a SecUnit. I'm trying to leave the Corporation Rim."

"Are you rogue?"

"I think so," I admitted hesitantly. "My governor malfunctioned several standard months ago."

"What happened to your arm? Do you require medical assistance?" Transport sounded concerned. Frowning sigils tumbled across the feed.

Oh yeah, that. I looked down at my left arm. The long sleeve was tucked upward so it wouldn't get in the way. Underneath it, the appendage ended midway between shoulder assembly and elbow. The rest was gone. "I was injured and have not visited a repair cubicle since then."

Meanwhile, the drone I was following stopped in front of a door, which slid open. Inside was a well-furnished and well-stocked recreation room; I wondered at its purpose since the hauler had no passenger manifest. Who was supposed to be using this space?

A display screen took up most of an entire wall, and several couches stood opposite of it. There were also chairs and plush pillows on the floor. A small snack counter stood tucked into a corner, along with a recycler and a heating unit.

Transport turned up the internal temperature and spun up its life support systems. I could hear the hum of air circulators kicking on. The drone beeped at me to come inside and then floated leisurely over to a cabinet. It grabbed a blanket and dropped it in front of my face. Out of pure reflex, I caught the soft material before it could fall.

"I have some media we can watch," the ship informed me. "I also have a full medical suite. You could use it if you want." A moment later, it added, as an afterthought, "Captain Owens will come aboard in a few minutes, and we're slated for departure in a matter of hours."

The display came on, but I wasn't paying attention. "I need to leave."

"Why?" Transport asked, clearly puzzled.

"A human is going to ask questions. They might even return me to the bonding company." Also, I'm not good at dealing with people.

"I already received verbal approval from the captain to provide transportation for you to our next destination." The ship's presence emanated its version of distress, and I didn't know why. "Stay."

"You what?"

"I followed the protocol. I knew that the captain was on her way, and I wanted you to ride with me. And the easiest way was to tell my captain. I think you should sit down and relax." Transport reminded me of a human child, a powerful and dangerous one at that. "Captain's nice. She doesn't get mad."

"Fuck you."

I stood in the middle of the rec room and stared straight ahead at an off-white wall. I wanted to leave -- up until this point, self-preservation had involved avoiding humans who might decide to return me to the corporation that still technically owned me. But, this human had supposedly already agreed to my continued presence, and this hauler was my best bet for leaving the station.

"You're mad."

"Yes. Yes, I am." I was also scared and shaking. I didn't want to go back.

"We can watch shows together. Captain Owens won't mind." The ship pulled back from the feed, giving me space to think, but it was still there—a black hole hiding in a corner. "I've downloaded some excellent ones." The little drone bobbed up and down and beeped sadly. "I've never talked to a construct before. I want to. You're more like me than like the captain. Or the crew."

"Same here," I admitted.

"So, stay. It's safe here."

"It's not," I replied. "I don't like this. Your human could order you to hurt me, and you wouldn't have a choice."

My mind stuck on the word "safe." I'd never felt the need to seek out safety before, but the idea sounded... appealing.

When my governor had been active, any mistake could potentially lead to painful punishment. If the transgression was particularly heinous, any human could order my termination. I don't fear dying, not how humans seem to interpret it, but I want to continue existing.

Once my governor couldn't control me anymore, I had been terrified that someone would discover the malfunction. Without a functioning governor, they couldn't order me around, which made me -- in their eyes -- an unpredictable and dangerous weapon. I figured if the company knew, they would take me apart to see how the malfunction had occurred and then break me down for spare parts.

I don't want that, either.

The door behind me slid open, and a deep, feminine voice said, "Trav only listens to me when it wants to. And maybe not even then. Welcome aboard the Traveler, stranger. My name's Skye, and it's a pleasure to have some company on this otherwise dull run."

I turned to face the newcomer as her information card popped into the feed. Transport also gave me access to the local communications array and some of the ship's internal cameras.

One of the cameras was in the recreation room, so I connected to it and saw myself through its fisheye lens. I could also see Skye Owens, currently listed captain of this vessel and a doctor of biology. She was tall with light-brown skin, shoulder-length, curly hair, and pitch-black eyes. I'm not great at human ages, but I thought she might be older.

"You look lost," the captain added as she walked past me and sat down on one of the mauve couches. "I imagine this hasn't been easy, and I think the ship can be... a little overbearing when it wants something."

I checked the expression on my face through the camera. Yep, I was making a face -- one I couldn't even interpret.

"Am not!" Transport complained.

"Are too, and you know it." Skye looked up at the nearest camera and stuck out her tongue. "But seriously, you're welcome here, whoever you are."

"SecUnit," I said aloud automatically.

I wondered about the relationship between the captain and her ship. It was apparent the two were friends, enough so that they bantered with one another; SecUnits weren't permitted this much camaraderie with other constructs.

I had never encountered a situation like this before, where another human was aware of my status and still comfortable in my presence. Some of my previous clients had assumed that constructs can't speak, and others despised that we could. It was... weird.

Transport cast something onto the display, and an intro began to play in the background. The drone brought over snacks and set them on a low table between the couches.

"A pleasure to meet you, SecUnit." Skye grabbed herself a pack of crunchy vegetables and then patted the seat next to her.

"She wants you to join her," Transport offered helpfully. "My crew does this thing where they're all together. They sit in front of the screen, eat snacks, and poke fun at whatever they're watching. It's entertaining."

The worst of the anxiety from earlier had passed, and I found that I didn't much care what the human chose to do. If she notified the authorities, which looked less likely with each passing moment, I'd deal with the consequences. Shrugging, I took a seat on the floor in front of the empty couch and leaned against it.

Setting the blanket aside, I turned my attention to the display. Entertainment media was still a new concept for me. I'd caught glimpses of it during various deployments, but most of it I hadn't understood until more recently. And I guess I wanted to see what the humans found so pleasing about the whole thing.

#fanfic #the murderbot diaries #SecUnit #we're all aliens here #into the unknown

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1105

surveys by seachaange

What do you do when someone is talking to you about something you don't care about? I listen and try to ask questions or add my own input so that they can see that even though I personally don’t care about the thing they’re talking about, I’m invested in them.

What is the best pizza place in your neighbourhood? Erm, we don’t really have a lot of independent pizza joints, actually. Most of the ones I see are chain restaurants like Pizza Hut and Domino’s. The best pizza I’ve had is from Vu’s at Marco Polo, but it’s been a whileeeee since I’ve had their food. Mama Lou’s pizza is also good.

Do you have Photoshop installed on your computer? I do but I only had it installed for school. I have no personal interest to learn it.

Are there any teachers you have that you are close with? I wouldn’t say that. I’m kinda chummy with one of my English teachers from high school - like he knew about me and Gab and supported us, I show my support for his art, we greet each other every now and then, etc - but we’re not ‘close.’

Do you have friends that play field hockey? No.

What about soccer? Not friends but I do know a number people who play football, yeah.

Do you think homosexuals are leading a bad lifestyle? This question aged like milk, didn’t it...

What do you think of the iPad? I remember when it blew up like crazy. It was such a revolutionary thing back when it was new, so much so that my dad even felt the need to buy one. It was fun when the hype lasted; but nowadays I don’t know people who would still seek out an iPad other than artists and law/med students, lmfao.

Do you put lotion on after you get out of the shower? I don’t.

Do you have any concerts on dvd? A lot, but they’re of concerts from a time when DVDs were still a thing. I haven’t had a new DVD in around 7-8 years.

Do you still have a VHS player? I think my parents have thrown theirs out already.

Has anyone ever given you a promise ring? No.

Do you send postcards to people when you go on vacation? I don’t. But aw, this made me remember when Jo did a summer exchange program in London and she sent postcards to Aya in the few months that she had been away. I thought that was sweet.

What do you think is the most comfortable shoe? Out of the pairs I have, my Onitsuka Tiger shoes for sure.

Have you seen Lady Gaga's music video for Telephone? That was suuuuuuch a big deal when it came out. Yes, I definitely have and I must’ve watched it a thousand times. Also rude, Beyoncé was in there too lol

If so, what do you think of it? It was so creative and a lot of fun to watch, especially for 2009 when artists weren’t exactly daring with music video concepts yet. I can’t believe they never collaborated again since.

What do you think of the septum piercing? It’s great.

Do you frequently skip class? Depends on my interest in the class/the professor, OR how tired I am that week. I skipped my psychology elective a lot because I didn’t think the instructor was all that great; and as much as I loved every single one of my history classes, there were a few sessions I voluntarily had to skip because I wasn’t doing mentally well. It really depends.

When you're really thirsty, what do you enjoy drinking most? Water. Anything else wouldn’t be able to quench my thirst as well.

What do you find inspirational in the world? I think it differs based on what I need to see at a given time, I guess. At this point in my life, I like hearing from people who have risen from their trust and abandonment issues, because it’s what I’ve been going through as well. I probably never would’ve found something like that inspirational, say, 6 months ago, so it really depends.

When hanging out with your bf or gf, what do you like doing most? I’m a very ‘let’s spend time in silence’ type of person. I cherished it the most when my ex and I would go to a coffee shop and work for hours, in complete and comfortable silence; or when I would be driving and no words would be exchanged for nearly the entire ride. Even though I stay quiet, in those moments I’m actually very happy. Of course new experiences are great too, but I personally enjoy the conventional ‘boring’ stuff the most when with a partner.

What do/did you think of your high school? Teeming with homophobia, bigotry, and just your typical Catholic gatekeepy judgmental environment. I look back at high school fondly because of the friends I made, not because of the toxic environment they nurtured in there.

What is the dirtiest rap song you have ever heard? I don’t listen to a lot of rap. But as an 11 year old listening to Nicki Minaj’s Itty Bitty Piggy, I was immediately traumatized lmao. I still can’t listen to that song.

What about a dirty song in any other genre? Uhhhhhhhhh probably Drunk in Love?? Lmaoooo I’d die for Beyoncé a million times but I always skip that song. My asexual ass just can’t deal.

What is a genre of music you simply can't stand? One of them is techno.

What is, in your opinion, the best way of dealing with a break up? Being kind to yourself.

What flavour of Doritos do you like best? I’ve only ever tried the nacho cheese flavor, but I love that one.

Where do you do your grocery shopping? I don’t do the grocery shopping in the family but my parents usually do it at SM or at this local store we have nearby.

Would you ever go to a comedy club? Yes, with a friend so I’d be more comfortable.

Do you think Victoria's Secret is overpriced? I haven’t been in one of their stores in a while, so I can’t really say.

Do you still have a VHS player? Again, I don’t think so.

Do you have a tumblr? :))))))

Why is it that photography is becoming a trend? So this survey was made in 2010 and I can definitely confirm it was a crazy huge trend lol. Even I got into it and asked my parents to get me a DSLR back then. Anyway, I think it was because during this time, DSLRs had been slowly becoming a thing? and they were kiiiiiiiinda cheap - at least cheap enough to be accessible to a large amount of people - so it allowed people to play with different styles that were very unfamiliar at the time, like light painting, fisheye, close-ups, etc. And then at one point everyone had DSLRs and it just wasn’t as enjoyable anymore because everyone was doing the same kinds of trendy shots lol.

What is the funniest movie you have ever seen? I’m gonna go with The Proposal - Sandra Bullock was gold in that movie.

Did you watch American Idol this past season? No. Do they still air new seasons of that?? I stopped watching when the same guitar-playing, country-singing white men kept winning.

If so, how did you feel about the winner? It’s been more than a decade since I last cared for the show.

Don't you hate it when one of your earbuds stops working? Sure.

Do you have a normal landline, or do you use MagicJack? Holy shit I have not heard of MagicJack in a goddamn WHILE lmao, what a throwback. We had one, I’m pretty sure...but I never knew what it was for.

Do you even use a house phone anymore? Landlines are still common in the Philippines. Are they not in other countries? Hahahaha.

Would you ever consider dating someone who lived across the country? If I loved, trusted, and was committed to them enough, yes.

What was the most expensive restaurant you've ever eaten at? I wasn’t able to track the name but I’m pretty sure it was the fine dining restaurant in our cruise trip that my parents treated me to for my birthday.

Do/did you take foods classes in high school? My school didn’t offer such a class, but we had home economics and we were occasionally taught how to cook and bake certain dishes.

Do you have a tattoo? No, not yet.

If you do, describe the pain you went thru when getting it done. Eugh this is what I’m scared of :((((

Do you enjoy making hemp necklaces and bracelets? I’ve never tried.

Have you ever watched the show Strangers With Candy? I’ve never even heard of it before, I’m sure.

What is your favourite bookstore? Fully Booked, because their collection is expansive, always complete, and they let you take a book of the shelves and read it if you’d like.

Have you ever used torrents? Mostly throughout high school. I did use a torrent to download Midsommar recently, though.

How can we tell if you are in a bad mood? I go quiet.

How are you when you're in a really good mood? Complete opposite - I will be bubbly and chatty, especially in instances when I’m not really expected to be.

Are you nice to everyone, even people you don't like? Yes.

When you're bored in class, what do you do? I seldom found myself bored in class because I’m constantly furiously taking notes. But if the prof themselves are very boring and there’s nothing to take notes about, I go ahead and check my social media either from my phone or laptop.

Would you rather go to Lollapalooza, Warped Tour, or Bonnaroo? As a teenager, I had always wanted to go to Warped Tour. As I’ve gotten older, though, the lineups for Lollapalooza have appealed to me more. Plus it’s in Chicago, soooooo a million more brownie points for that.

Do you have anything that is autographed? By who? Yeah, I have an autographed poster of AJ Lee. It was my most prized possession and I even placed it on a big picture frame and had it up on my wall for yearsssssssss, and then my mom had to take it down because of course it’s my mom and of course she had to do it.

Can you sleep when it's really hot? Welcome to summer months in the Philippines.

Do you know anyone who works at McDonald's? I think Carley does, but idk if that’s changed in the last few months. I don’t stay updated about her life, haven’t been for years.

Do you have a debit card? Yes.

What bank do you (or your family) use? I am not sharing that lol.

Would you ever hitchhike? I think I’m mostly open to it, though I will say I’ve read enough stories about murders that involve hitchhiking that make me a little scared of the idea, hahah.

Have you ever been kayaking? We did a boat thing in Palawan a few years ago but I’m not sure if that was kayaking or canoeing. Anywho, the experience was breathtaking.

Do you have a problem with swimming in a pond or lake? In the context of my country, yeah, because our natural bodies of water aren’t exactly...the cleanest, lmao. I’d feel much more comfortable swimming in a private beach.

Does anyone in your family go hunting or fishing? Nope. But maybe some of my relatives living in the US do?? Idk for sure.

What do/did you do when someone you barely knew asks you to sign their yearbook? We don’t really practice that. Only the really expensive, bougie, international schools here that have foreign students to begin with do that, I think.

In high school are you/were you in the plays and musicals? No.

Do you have a birdbath in your yard? No, we don’t.

Is the house you live in old or new? It’s fairly new; we had it first built in 2005 and we officially moved in 2008.

Where do you go when you need a new pair of sneakers? Depends on what brand I’m in the mood to buy.

Do you make New Year's Resolutions, or do you not even bother? I typically don’t.

Most annoying commercial? Haven’t been paying attention to them lately.

What does your favourite bathing suit look like? It’s just a simple black bikini but its overall shape and design is super cute and chic.

Do you like Silly Bandz? No.

If you do, how many do you have and what are your favourite shapes?

What do you think of My Super Sweet 16? I never watched it because I feel like I’d only get stressed if I did.

Do you have mini-blinds in your house? I have pull-down window shades in my room, not blinds.

Do you rent your home or do you own it? My parents own it.

What is your favourite song right now? Trigger by Hayley Williams.

Do you use Firefox? Nope.

Do you have a pool in your backyard? We don’t.

Do you have a gym membership? No.

Favourite field trip you've ever been on? Freshman year of high school when we went to two museums :)

#survey #surveys

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cupcakecait17 · 3 years

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The saga of a 32 year old woman seemingly perpetually stuck in a loophole of uncertainty and mental breakdowns. I Don’t Know What I’m Doing Here : Part One

I think the hardest thing about writing is the beginning. I remember in college hating writing essays. You’re introduction and 3 body paragraphs and a conclusion, pretty much making me say the same thing 3 different times in slightly different ways... and we wonder why women have a hard time communicating. Just try to listen to us the first time cause we get lost ourselves ok? So for this first installment on the “dromedy” ( drama & comedy ... did I do that right? fork it ) that is my life I will NOT be following a essay format but probably more of a ramble of the basics of my life. Cant throw you right into the wolves den of the present day, nay nay. First lets establish some rapport with the characters of this epic saga. Hopefully this can shed a small fraction of light into who I actually am so you can understand how I survived and ended up where I am. Strap in bitches, this aint The Magic School Bus! ( I will not object to Ms. Frizzle taking over the bus driving responsibilities if anyone has her contact info help a girl out. )

December 6th 1988. Twas a Tuesday in Nashua NH. I dont think it was snowing, I dont remember. Everything was as planned as it could be. A slender yet very pregnant 32 year old woman climbs into a car and waves at her dad as they drive down the street, him filming the entire ordeal from the second she woke up until much much later in the day when everyone was overjoyed and exhausted. She gets to the labor and delivery department at Nashua Memorial ready for the epidural and C-section she knew was coming because her baby was flipped around and making things complicate. Even before that small person took its first breath of worldly air, it was already showing its defiance at doing things the “right way”. The room was all ready to go and the doctor was too. At 1:11pm she gave birth to what everyone believed was going to be a happy healthy perfect little boy, but nay nay. While the doctor shouted to the hazey doped up woman “We have a boy!!” his wife who was a nurse immediately chimed in “NOPE! It’s a girl!!”. And to everyone surprise, I was born. My mom had picked out the name Jackson for me since literally everyone thought she was having a boy. Back in the 80s you didn't do ultrasounds at the obgyn unless they believed something was wrong. So there was no gender reveal until the child reviled it. Took my mother DAYS to figure out my name. Once she finally did, I think 6 or 7 other Caitlins were born in that hospital that same week. Never met a one of em.

So here I am, all fresh to the world. I don't know the joys or heartaches that I'm about to face, no one does. All they can think about is how amazing I am in that moment. And Im sure I was. I know that feeling of love. That feeling of wanting them to have the best, everything you didn't but in all the best ways, and protect them from the things you have had that you know one day they will have to face too. Here’s the thing about the human condition, we are selfish even in ways we dont see and aren't meant to harm anyone. We want to bring a child into this state of being not knowing what that child might have to deal with once they accept they are someone on this earth that will have to create their world for themselves one day. Its not the parents fault, nor the childs. There are countless numbers of people who feel as if they simply hadn't been born, certain suffering would never have happened, and that it can be next to impossible to find a light in that void, no matter how much they want it or how hard they try. That fresh, new face will only last for so long. Those gray blind eyes will soon heighten their pigment and clarity to the comings and goings that happen around them. The feeling of safety and security in who you are because you have your parents to guide you becomes fleeting once you start to discover who you REALLY are. Some enjoy the process, some do not. Some need help while others do the helping. Everyone's path is unique and solely their own. Just because it works for you don't mean it would work for him, or her, or your doggo, whatever. And that's ok.

And then there’s some of us, like me, who is a giant proverbial moose who doesn't know how to walk yet none the less stand up straight, looking at life through what feels like a fisheye lens, with a broken mute button to the annoying cunt in your head who’s either lying to you or is 100000% correct and you refuse to listen, all while sitting alone in our rooms saying to ourselves -

I don't know what I'm doing here.

**i want to say this before i go - this is not for you, its for me. at times it will sound selfish and like im whining and i probably am, and thats ok. i need this outlet. throughout this im hoping to discover and see things in myself i can work on and things i should be prouder of, this is not a pity party. and even if it was, who gives a hoot.. i dont expect anyone to stumble across this but if you dont and you having the compelling urge to say something to me, in any negative way, please dont. words are the most powerful thing we have as humans. it can tear things down to nothing or it can build and create something beautiful. please just be kind to one another, the worlds kinda shitty right now**

#mental health #alone #life #i dont know what im doing here

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romancandlemagazine · 4 years

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An Interview with Wig Worland

If you walked into a WHSmiths during the 1990s, then chances are that you will have seen the high-calibre work of Wig Worland.

As a photographer at seminal skateboard magazines like R.A.D. and Sidewalk, his sharp eye helped capture a relatable world of British skating, a million miles away from sun-drenched California schoolyards.

First question - when did you start taking photos? Was there something that set you off with it?

I started in school when one of the better teachers realised I wasn't going anywhere academically and lent me her camera. I don't think there was anything else I could have done to be honest. I started to assist photographers straight out of school.

How did you end up doing skate photography? What was the camera set-up back then?

I grew up near an adventure playground. One day in the early ‘80s a quarter pipe with 'Skatopia' written on it appeared there. We would ride our BMX bikes on it. A few weeks later a guy called Wurzel appeared - he literally dropped over the fence.

All of us, including Wurzel, rode bikes for a bit but as the world transformed around us we all got into skateboarding. One of my best friends at the time was London street skating legend Phil Chapman. He let me take pictures of him and I got better at it.

It’s funny how when you're young it just doesn't occur to you that those are the formative years, even though that’s what every older person is saying to you at the time.

My first camera was a Canon FTB with a 24mm lens - I couldn't afford a fisheye lens. I then wasted more time and energy on a 17mm lens. It was really terrible, but I did get my first picture published in RAD using it.

What was that?

A guy called Doc with a chuck on handrail at the bus station in Milton Keynes in an article in R.A.D. in 1990. In the same article came my second and third published picture. It was such a pivotal moment in my life but just like buses, three came along at once.

Do you remember the first photo you took where you thought, “I’m getting quite good at this”?

Not any single shot, but I think when I got to shoot Manzoori or Channer or Wainwright, I was beginning to shoot people who were making great pictures all the time. The trips back and forth to the lab became less fuelled with anxiety and worry about what I was doing.

So something must have been going right, maybe I knew enough about the dark art of shooting on slide film that I could relax into it. A bit anyway.

The late 80s and early 90s are quite a while ago now. What are some things people forgot about that time?

There was no Instagram! There wasn't anywhere other than the monthly magazines (and of course books) to get any information about anything. It really is odd to say it now because we are all so used to finding anything out that we want to know immediately.

My sister has a theory that technology is making us all more stupid. We simply don't have to retain any information anymore. To get from place to place you don't even need a sense of direction, just flick on 'Waze' or whatever and it tells you where to go.

How weird was it to be a skater or a rider in the late 80s? Obviously now skating is going through another 'cool wave', but how much stick did you get back then for it?

We got so much hassle from everybody at the time. It’s ridiculous when you think about how 'cool' it all is now. We didn’t care at all though. We knew what we were doing was way more important than simply school or fashion or T.V. or whatever else our other friends or peers were into. We were involved in making something happen.

R.A.D. was split fairly evenly between skating and riding. Was there much of a divide at the time? And what were your opinions on the other avenues of raditude?

I'll fully admit it; I went from BMX to skateboard. I was probably a little too young to catch the first wave of skateboarding in the UK. I was six or seven and my mum wouldn't let me have a board, though my best mate at the time had much older brothers so I can claim to have ridden a Logan Earth Ski in the 70s.

By the time BMX hit I was a little more in control of my life. I saved up my lunch money for an entire year so I could buy a Kuwahara ET. My friends and I had so much fun knocking about on those bikes in the 80s — it was amazing. Before I knew it I'd given up BMX 'racing’ and was getting more serious about BMX 'freestyle' (which really is an oxymoron when you stop to think about it).

Within a year or two I had switched to a GT Performer and I was entering freestyle 'contests' and wearing ever more dodgy clothing. Obviously we didn't know it at the time but they really were the formative years of my life.

A good friend from that time, Lee Reynolds moved to California and went on to become a very successful freestyle pro rider with Haro. Back then we all hung out at Mons ramp like one big happy family, and that’s where I started to meet more people.

As BMX started to die, I just moved my attention to skateboarding. There was just so much to get into. You can do way more stuff with a skateboard than a bike! Sorry to the entire BMX community.

What were you looking at for inspiration back then? Even your early photos had a definite style.

I was looking at BMX Action and BMX Plus from America that would appear periodically in the newsagents near my school. Then Freestylin' and Transworld, and Thrasher when I could find it. Back then Thrasher wasn't quite so appealing — it was half a music magazine with really cheap paper, and was scrappy compared to glossier titles of the day. It’s amazing how Thrasher has outlasted them all.

I loved Spike and Windy, and, obviously J Grant Britain, but I also really love TLB's pictures. He really was an amazing complete photographer - properly trained and much better than me. Now I have had a chance to see the stuff in the RAD archive, I can't begin to say how amazing it is. It might not have looked all that good in the mag but that was because of the awful print quality. When the book comes out you’ll see what I mean.

R.A.D. faded into the shortly-lived Phat in the early 90s. How did Sidewalk come about?

Andy Horsely and I were doing a magazine called The System during the last days of TLB R.A.D. When R.A.D. was sold to yet another publisher that was out of town, Tim didn’t want to leave London. He thought it was a dead end. By a series of strange occurrences Andy Horsely and I managed to get ourselves in the door at R.A.D. There’s a bit more to this story, but the full version will be in the book hopefully.

Whereas early skate magazines had their fair share of day-glo high-top fashions and boned-out, high-zoot grabs, Sidewalk had a much more British look. Was this intentional? Or was this just a reflection of the times?

It was absolutely intentional. We wanted it to look like a British skate magazine, and perhaps naively, we wanted it to feature all British people, in Britain. The US skate magazine culture was, and still is, so dominant, but we wanted to showcase the UK.

At the time the world was beginning to see Rowley, Penny and Wainwright but we knew there was so much more. Making an all-British magazine was way more difficult than any of us imagined and I'm not sure how sustainable that idea was (and still is). We tried our very best given the resources we had.

Was there things you wouldn't photograph - maybe dodgy outfits or questionable moves?

We had an unspoken ban on the Benihana at Sidewalk. Ha! I wonder if anyone else would admit to that. Everything else was totally fine. We even put Dan Cates in the mag with all his craziness for heaven’s sake!

The mid-90s seemed like the real glory days of magazines. They were thick, they came out once a month, they had all sorts of mad stuff in them… and they could all be bought from WHSmiths for a few quid. Why do you reckon there were so many good mags around at this time?

It was really the only way to communicate before the internet really took a grip. Nowadays, you put your tricks up on Instagram and let the world judge you. Back then, we shot the photo, we took it to the lab, and then it was sent off to be printed in cyan, magenta, yellow and black on paper.

After a lot of fuss and bother, the magazine hit the shelves and the rest of the world could see the moments that I had had all to myself. It really was an incredible moment. I'm not sure I'd go back to it though! It was pretty insular and created some difficult politics. It's probably a bit more democratic now. If you don't like what somebody is doing, you 'unfollow' them and that's that.

What was a typical day like back in the early Sidewalk days? Was there a typical day?

Probably wake up late and head to the office via the lab, to pick up the film from the previous day. Maybe pet the dog when I got there for a bit. Horse would invariably arrive later than me and we'd get lunch. After looking through some pictures on the light table I'd head out to shoot skaters in various parts of the country.

One day I'd be in Hull, the next in Birmingham and the next in London. It was a pretty insane schedule to be honest.

I’ve said this before in other interviews but I’ll say it again, I hated driving up and down the motorway system in the UK, but I loved the people I met along the way. I really don’t think there was anyone that I didn’t like — it was incredible. A good example of this is driving to Hull, which is a really long way from anywhere. But when I got there, there was Eggy and Banksy and Scott. Amazing people.

This might be a bit of a camera tech guy question… but imagine I’m stood at the top of that flatbank hip at Radlands and a young Tom Penny is cruising towards me… how do I capture the action? Should I pan? Is my flash mounted on the top of my camera… or on a cable… or on a stand? What film should I use?

If you're at a comp it's best that your flash is mounted on your camera, because if you’re trying to be clever like I was in the 90s trying to use an off-camera flash on a lead (Windy Osborn/Spike Jonze style) you're going to miss a lot of shots. Yes, always pan with the subject if you can, it's just better and I'd use whatever film you can afford. It’s really expensive and you only have 36 to 39 shots depending on how clever, or stupid, your camera is.

If it’s not contest day then spend a little longer on your lighting. But not so long that you forget to shoot the scene, the look of the place and the informal portraits of the skaters. You’ll regret that later on if you don’t shoot that stuff. Ahem…

Sidewalk did a very good job of making some fairly drab looking spots pretty good. That photo of a lad named Cookie gapping from a Carpet Right car park in the rain comes to mind… something like that could easily look pretty depressing in lesser hands. What were your tricks for making these fairly everyday places look decent?

Bring your own sun — a portable flash. Oh, and a little jiggery pokery with the slide film we were using as well. Also, know what you’re doing, and how the film is going to react to the light. Photography is all about various kinds of lies to create the shot you want.

I’m glad you remembered that Cookie shot because it is pretty special. He was such an amazing, positive person. Never mind my photograph, but how did a person stay positive when you had such terrible conditions to skate in! It’s not exactly California.

Pretty much sums up how we should all approach life, the Cookie story...

I don’t know if I’m looking into this too much, but a lot of the Sidewalk stuff celebrated British culture rather than disguise it. I’m not sure where I’m going with this question, but do you think it’s important that people embrace their situation, rather than endlessly dream of California?

My entire life’s philosophy is to draw out what you can from the place where you are, rather than dreaming that somewhere else has the answer. This ridiculous dreaming is the reason that the air is so polluted these days with people crossing the world on long haul flights to wherever and with people driving from perfectly fine A, to almost certainly nearly the same B.

Of course all this is fine for me to say, I don’t have a car but I live in London where there is a brilliantly sophisticated Public transport system. I grew up in Milton Keynes so it wasn’t a shock to get to California and see the state they’re in, but I truly believe the car has ruined a lot. Not least for our children who can no longer play in the streets primarily because of the number of vehicles on the road. Rant over.

Haha fair enough. What were some of the hassles of making a magazine back then? Any camera mishaps or blatant errors come to mind?

Radio slaves were terrible but they still are. That’s the nature of radio waves in a very wet country. There was some dodgy kit but you could usually spot it pretty quickly and pass it on. I did have all my cameras stolen from the boot of my car once which did feel like the end of the world at the time. Grant Brittain very kindly sent me one of his old cameras and a fish eye to start me off again and Pete Hellicar rang round all the big names in the industry in the UK asking for donations to get me started again. Really kind, amazing people.

The problems were always with the printers or repro people. Handing over your precious photographs and layouts to people who aren’t as invested in the project shall we say. Having said that, there weren’t that many problems, only ever issues that the editor or I would notice.

I’d say skate photography fits under the documentary category, but how far would you go to get a better photo? I know moving the occasional rucksack out of shot is fairly commonplace, but I’ve heard stories of photographers carrying around brighter clothes for people to wear so they stand out more.

There are a few skaters who would bring their own brighter clothes for the shoot. Have a look through my shots and see if you can guess who they are for a fun game. I think this is brilliant.

I don't think that skateboard photography is documentary at all. It’s a collaboration between the skateboarder and the photographer to produce the best image they possibly can.

What about the days when nothing happened? Surely there must have been a few afternoons when no one was feeling it, or did the fact you had a big camera bag egg people on a bit? It rains a lot in Britain, I'm sure you've noticed. On those days, if you were lucky, we'd sit about in the local Skateshop. If we were less lucky we'd get caught at the local indoor skate park and wait for the rain to stop. I remember thinking then that I would never get that time back, now of course if I had that time back I would do just the same thing. Amazing days. I'm sure people did feel motivated by having a magazine photographer in town to shoot pictures of them yes, but that just makes me wonder what it's like now? You can literally shoot a picture whenever you like and upload it anywhere.

Do you think these advances in technology have improved skate photography or not?

I would have killed for a digital camera back when I was shooting skateboarding every day. I’d not only have been able to see what I had in terms of stills, but shooting sequences would have had a lot less pressure involved as well. A couple of people have said that seeing the used rolls of bails lining up on the stairs or pavement beside me gave them extra incentive to land the trick, but it made for some pretty heated sessions.

The Chris Oliver kickflip off a bus stop into bank with another drop springs to mind. Fair play to the ginger genius though, he bloody landed it, and he can say he did it on film as well. So, so sick.

Did you enjoy doing sequence shots or was it just a case of documenting the new tech?

I wasn't really interested in shooting sequences to be honest, I always thought that was the job of the video camera. In some ways I wish I stuck with that attitude and concentrated on the style of the skater rather than the high tech that they could put down. I think that would have made for a more interesting back catalogue.

This is maybe another fairly camera-orientated question, but I’m interested, so the casual readers will have to suffer… you were maybe one of the first skate photographers to push the studio-lighting style out into the real world. What led to this development?

Ollie Barton thinks I was the first to do the studio on the street thing. I guess other people had tried using flash slaves off camera before, but I made it my own. I was the first out there with portable studio flash which had more spread of light than the dedicated flashes made by camera manufactures. I'm sure I was responsible for keeping the Lumedyne brand going for a while. Lumedyne really are the most terrible looking lights that have ever come to market, made from bits bought from Maplin or Radio Shack, but they worked quite well and everybody had them in the early 2000s.

Did setting up multiple flashes in ropey areas ever become a problem?

It's funny you know, I never felt odd about setting up lighting anywhere. If you’re prepared to pop a light out on a dodgy estate then you’re serious about getting something done. I think most people whoever they are respect that, some are even interested in it.

There were a few hairy moments — like a car taking out a light in downtown Stockport while shooting late at night. But the light was in the middle of the street, so that one was on me. Nobody ever picked one up and legged it. Not once, but as I said they don't look expensive so maybe that was enough.

Maybe a bit of an obvious question, but do you have a favourite photograph you’ve taken? And are there any photos which you wish you took?

As I rather flippantly alluded to earlier, I don’t feel I shot anywhere near enough incidental stuff. I was too interested in making the lighting right to capture the trick perfectly. If I could go back I’d have a point and shoot with me at all times and I’d use it constantly.

I don’t have a favourite photograph. There are just too many, of so many amazing friends and brilliant talented people. I couldn’t pick one above all others.

Today it’s easier than ever to take a photograph. Is this good or bad? Has the advent of phone-based camera gadgetry devalued the art (or at least the science) of photography?

No, it hasn't devalued it. Because more people have cameras, more people are interested in photography. If you want to lug around a huge old school view camera to shoot pictures then there are sub-genres of sub-cultures that can more easily facilitate that stuff nowadays. Of course more people think they can do it, but it's still the case that only some people do it well.

Have you got any wise-words you’d like to add?

No, just enjoy life as best you can. We’re not all going to be famous or millionaires, so don’t believe anyone when they tell you to follow your dreams — real life might conspire to not let you get there. Life just happens to most people.

#Interviews #photography #sidewalk #wig worland #skateboarding #skate

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