My wife asked me what my papa would think about me marrying someone who had a kid already when we met. I don't know what she thinks when she envisions an older Jewish Slav...and I don't even know what I would think about any others besides my parents. There's a lot of weird media depictions of Ukrainians, Eastern Europeans, Russians...cold, stony, heartless...I don't know where that comes from but maybe she's picturing a movie version of my papa and THAT guy just didn't exist.

Sure, my relations recently displaced from Ukraine are a little conservative but not by American standards and are downright disgustingly liberal according to the MAGA crowd that infests the state I live in. They are all my age or younger, the old folks have either passed away or moved (my bubbie is currently just chilling in Boca, living the stereotypical retired Jewish lady dream), and being younger may have a lot to do with them not being so dry. Some of my (male) cousins will call me a pidor, and if I didn't know them all my life I might be offended...it's never had a tinge of judgement or malice, just a fact that Cousin Eli is a bit of a fag.

My father never talked to me directly about my sexual orientation but there were lots of times his "maybe you meet a nice girl someday?" had more emphasis on the "girl" than the "maybe". The question, now that I'm older and fully realizing, was always "are you queer like I think you are?" When my mama was here helping with the baby after she was born, we talked a lot about this...he asked her so many times if there was any "NEWS from Elias" and she always took that to mean "has he come out yet?". So, they both always knew but I didn't ever actually tell them. To mama, after papa was gone, I just introduced her to my male partner and she was more shocked that my wife had no issue with me having them both, and that "my friend Moses" was firmly more than a friend.

When I got married the first time, the night before the wedding, my father asked me if I was sure. I wasn't, but I didn't want to be a dick and back out. When I got divorced, he was already gone and so I'll never know what he'd think about that but I can guess, based on a conversation we had maybe six months before he passed away. My now ex-wife and I were having pretty extreme issues and she'd punched me in the face after an argument about, of all things, where to go for dinner. I left the house, sat in my car, and did something I had never done before...I called him to bitch.

He told me I could come home any time I wanted. My room was open. He'd make varenyky and everything would be fine. And then he said something I will never forget...

"Maybe it's a long time before you date again or get married but you will find a nice SOMEONE someday...and you will be happy, I promise."

I don't think he'd care about anything other than that. Whether that made him atypical for an older Ukrainian man or a Jew is beside the point. It would make him typical for my papa, always wanting his children to be happy. Wanting us to be well, even if he just couldn't ask us directly what that wellness meant. I learned a lot about being a father from him, even if I never thought I'd get to apply it. Now that I have a son, a daughter, and a mystery on the way, I know for sure that I'll never want anything more than I want for them to be happy.

If my papa didn't fit the Hollywood standard of Eastern European masculinity then I guess that's genetic, and probably the best genes I got.

posted on facebook an image from one of the sets of stranger things to see if any of my 80’s babies/children/teens/adults fam members or whoever might be familiar with the lore and give me the insight.

i wrote out the post so formal though so they couldn’t get a whiff of the fact i am not asking because i intend to write an article for cinemablend but instead for my tumblr blog so my fellow mentally ill queers and i can go insane over a piece of prop to prove one of the hundreds of theories we all have ping ponging between us

my family watched the diary of a wimpy kid movie today & I know I make fun of people on here who get into serious fights over like. someone hating a character you like or whatever but the inverse of that is definitely when someone can’t handle that people will have human reactions to stories. at the end when the mom is dancing to rodrick’s music I said “I don’t know what makes her think it’s ok to pretend to be supportive now when she wasn’t even gonna let him perform” & my dad was like “it’s just a fictional story rose.” like. ok? guess that means I should watch it with a blank stare & have no thoughts feelings or reactions because it’s fictional lol

Every time I spend too many days in a row at home, I get it into my head that I don't actually want to transition, and then I go back into the world and go Oh. I remember what it's like to have a body and a mind.

love making posts and reblogging posts and liking posts and then leaving. like. goodbye lol

Going through my old blog posts again, and fUCK!!!!

Another fucking BroCal post that Tumblr bans have taken from me, it's just a broken link now. If anyone knows where to find the original post somewhere else, or has the images saved, please, PLEASE, LMK. God, I regret not saving everything before 2019. Tumblr has taken so much. Ugh. I just wanna live in the nostalgia!! Why did they have to remove all these old posts...

An entire year has passed since I decided to take care of myself...of my mental health....physical as well. A lot has changed within this one year. I think Sometimes.....just sometimes you just need to trust the people around you to help you when you need it the most. A year and I think I'm finally able to unravel the knots in my life. I've still got a long way to go but at least now I can stand and look at myself in the mirror without thinking to kill myself...or just rip my face off....or overdose. A whole year and I think I've finally worked hard enough to bring my life back to something 'normal'. I'm still working on a lot of things....I've still got to work on processing all the guilt and regrets and trust issues but I'll get there. I'm happy rn. I know I can be happy. I know that I deserve happiness. I know there are people who depend on me. I also know that there are people out there who will always have my back no matter what. I know that I want to become a better person. I've still got a promise to keep. I want to LIVE. This year taught me many things. I got so many answers and yet there still remain so many questions. But, I know that I can be strong enough to live through it all. I'm ready to confront everything that my mind has tormented me for the past 8 years. I know that I'm not running anymore. I know that I can be strong.

2015 was the beginning. 2016 managed to pushed me further into the darkness. 2017 I began trying to fight the darkness because I found a source of light. 2018 caused the light to be gone. 2019 stole everything from me . 2020 managed to break me to pieces beyond repair.

2021.

2022.

2023......has been interesting.

I can't say that I'll be the same as before. I can't say that because I know I can't. I've been engulfed by shadows for far too long to ever see and bask in the light. 2019 made me to become a different person. A person I sometimes don't recognize. But I'll try to become better. I'm getting there. I'm trying. And for now that's enough.

to put it simply, im a lunch girl. i loooove lunch and im not afraid to show it. im eating all sorts of delicious savoury treats and you WISH you were me

Sometimes as I’m watching book video essays on youtube, the devil climbs up my shoulder and whispers in my ear that I could do that. I read! I like to read! I could vlog about books! People like how you talk and you could share book recs with The Masses!

Then I remember that 1) that means being in the Public Eye and the Problems that that entails and 2) I read almost exclusively scifi and fantasy books (with a smattering of science books about Weird Topics like medical body donation, shells, or mosquitoes), and not the popular YA sff books that everybody likes. I got my mangy ancient old fantasy paperbacks, I got my high-ass concept scifi about the human condition, I got my mangy old paperback scifi written by old white dudes and probably about War, I got my one dumb paranormal romance for the month.

And that’s totally a niche reading vlog that people have but it specifically is not the vlogs I watch, I am watching YA romance and literary fiction blog recs, which I have no interest in reading.

(I do plan on adding a book reviews tab to my website when I inevitably figure out how to do that)

Intentionally trying to experience more media than what is just fandom-related…but then that means no fandom to talk about it with. THIS BLOWS!!!

Murderbot, an aroace character who is explicitly repulsed by romance, sex, and any other kind of relationship: *exists*

Aroacemisics, immediately: Murderbot should be so hot that everyone who meets it wants to assault it. Everyone who sees Murderbot should be flooded with lust for it. Every single person Murderbot meets should have to cry to their therapist about how hot it is and about how it's so unbelievably tormenting that they aren't allowed to fuck it. Murderbot should be constantly fending off sexual harassment from all angles including from ART because it's just so hot people can't help but flirt with it. This would be hilarious, which is why it should happen. Sexual harassment is hilarious if it's against aroace people. Murderbot would hate being seen as attractive, so it should be attractive, just to make it miserable and uncomfortable. Aroace people being sexually harassed is hilarious. Violating someone's boundaries is hilarious if it's an aroace character. Anyways, Gurathin has the hots for Murderbot and constantly fantasizes about having sex with it. Mensah, its legal owner, also wants to fuck it. What do you mean I'm being amisic? Aroace people can be in QPRs!!!! Stop pretending to be oppressed!!!!

I'm sorry, but it's absolutely impossible to create in this type if environment. All people will do is make ironic memes and jokes out of everything, never taking anything seriously.

I'd prefer that.

Because the people who take things seriously? Are the ones often trying to prevent anyone from having any fun in life.

You drink milk? Suddenly you're a "cow r*****"

You eat eggs? You're somehow a "baby-*******"

You enjoy a show? "its bad writing, learn to take criticism"

So if tumblr's environment involves relaxing and having fun? And people say that's bad? If people say "Fans shouldn't enjoy things" But critics or haters should be able to do what they want?

Well, that's my reaction to people who literally say Tumblr is dead. Its not dead, just less toxic and unusable.

Only good shit on Twitter is when people like Greta Thunberg roast dudebros like Andrew Tate so hard i'm confused its not currently trending.

Otherwise most of the people on Twitter are cringe.

shaking crying screaming

so how long do we think until follower counts become public

Excerpt from a journal entry, 2022

i love seeing twt exclusive people saying "oh tumblr is such an awful social media, it's so hard to grow a following" when this is literally Fandom: The Website