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jedi-anakin · 4 years

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2020 – what happened so far

(it’s impossible to include all, but I try my best)

January

January 1 – Palau became the first country to ban sun creams containing ingredients that are harmful to coral and marine life.

January 2 – The government of New South Wales, Australia, declares a state of emergency whilst the government of Victoria, Australia declares a state of disaster amid large bushfires that have killed as many as 500 million animals.

January 3 – A US drone strike at Baghdad International Airport kills Iranian general Qasem Soleimani and Iraqi paramilitary leader Abu Mahdi al-Muhandis.

January 5 – Iran pulls out of the 2015 nuclear deal, will not limit its uranium enrichment.

January 7 – 56 people are reported killed and over 200 injured in a crush at the funeral of general Qasem Soleimani in the city of Kerman, Iran.

January 7 – A 6.4 magnitude earthquake in Puerto Rico, island's largest in a century, kill 1 person and destroy 800 homes.

January 8 – Ukraine International Airlines Flight 752 is shot down by Iran's armed forces shortly after takeoff from Tehran Imam Khomeini Airport, killing all 176 people on board.

January 8 – Duke and Duchess of Sussex announce they are stepping back as "senior" royals, will work towards becoming financially independent.

January 16 – The impeachment trial of the President of the United States, Donald Trump, begins in the US Senate.

January 26 – Kobe Bryant and his 13-year-old daughter Gianna Bryant dies in a helicopter crash.

January 30 – The World Health Organization (WHO) declares the outbreak of the disease as a Public Health Emergency of International Concern.

January 31 – The United Kingdom and Gibraltar formally withdraw from the European Union at 11PM (GMT), beginning an 11-month transition period.

January 2020 was the hottest January in recorded history according to National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration

February

February 3 – Cruise ship Diamond Princess with 3711 passengers quarantined in Yokohama port, Japan after cases of coronavirus found on board.

February 5 – The US Senate acquits US president Donald Trump on articles of impeachment.

February 8 – 20 people dies in a mall shooting in Thailand.

February 9 – Deaths from the Coronavirus overtake those of Sars (2003) with 813 deaths worldwide.

February 10 – More than 30 bushfires put out by heaviest rainfall for 30 years in New South Wales, Australia, helping end one of the worst bushfire seasons ever, 46 million acres burnt, over 1 billion animals killed, 34 people dead.

February 11 – Snow falls in Baghdad, Iraq, for only the second time in a century.

February 23 – First major coronavirus outbreak in Europe in Italy with 152 cases and three deaths, prompting emergency measures, locking down 10 towns in Lombardy.

February 23 – China's Supreme Leader Xi Jinping describes the country's coronavirus outbreak as the China's largest health emergency since 1949.

February 24 – Former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein found guilty of rape and a criminal sexual act.

February 29 – Luxembourg becomes the first country in the world to make all public transport in the country (buses, trams, and trains) free to use.

February 29 – A conditional peace agreement is signed between the United States and the Taliban in Doha, Qatar. The U.S. begins gradually withdrawing troops from Afghanistan.

March

March 8 – Italy places 16 million people in quarantine, more than a quarter of its population, in a bid to stop the spread of COVID-19. A day later, the quarantine is expanded to cover the entire country, becoming the first country to apply this measure nationwide.

March 9 – International share prices fall sharply in response to a Russo-Saudi oil price war and the impact of COVID-19. The Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA) plunges more than 2,000 points, the largest fall in its history up to that point. Oil prices also plunge by as much as 30% in early trading, the biggest fall since 1991.

March 11 – The World Health Organization declares the COVID-19 outbreak a pandemic with 121,564 cases worldwide and 4,373 deaths.

March 11 – Harvey Weinstein is sentenced to 23 years in prison for a criminal sex act and rape in New York.

March 12 – Global stock markets crash. The Dow Jones Industrial Average goes into free fall, closing at over −2,300 points, the worst losses for the index since 1987.

March 13 – The government of Nepal announces that Mount Everest will be closed to climbers and the public for the rest of the season due to concerns from the COVID-19 pandemic in Asia.

March 14 – Spain goes into lockdown after COVID-19 cases in the country surge.

March 16 – The Dow Jones Industrial Average falls by 2,997, the single largest point drop in history and the second-largest percentage drop ever at 12.93 percent, an even greater crash than Black Monday (1929).

March 17 – European leaders close the EU's external and Schengen borders for at least 30 days in an effort to curb the COVID-19 pandemic.

March 17 – The island of Luzon, the largest island of the Philippines, is placed under the enhanced community quarantine due to the coronavirus pandemic in the country.

March 18 – The European Broadcasting Union announces that the Eurovision Song Contest 2020 will be cancelled due to COVID-19 in Europe, the first cancellation in the contest's 64-year history.

March 20 – The worldwide death toll from COVID-19 surpasses 10,000 as the total number of cases reaches a quarter of a million.

March 20 – Smoke from Australian bushfires killed more people than the fires - 417 vs 33 according to new study published in "Medical Journal of Australia."

March 22 – A prison riot in Colombia, which was sparked by coronavirus fears, left 23 inmates dead and another 83 injured.

March 24 – Indian PM Narendra Modi orders a 21 day lockdown for world's second most populous country of 1.3 billion people.

March 26 – Global COVID-19 cases reach 500,000, with nearly 23,000 deaths confirmed. American cases exceed all other countries, with 81,578 cases and 1,180 deaths.

March 28 – North Korea launched an unidentified projectile off the coast of Japan. This is the sixth launch in the last month.

March 30 – The price of Brent Crude Oil falls 9% to $23 per barrel, the lowest level since November 2002.

March 30 – The International Olympic Committee and Japan suspend the 2020 Summer Olympics and are rescheduled for July 23 to August 8, 2021.

April

April 2 – The number of confirmed cases of COVID-19 passes 1 million worldwide.

April 5 – British Prime Minister Boris Johnson admitted to hospital suffering from coronavirus COVID-19.

April 7 – Japan declares a state of emergency in response to COVID-19, and finalises a stimulus package worth 108 trillion yen (US$990 billion), equal to 20% of the country's GDP.

April 10 – The death toll from COVID-19 exceeds 100,000 globally.

April 14 – The International Monetary Fund (IMF) says it expects the world economy to shrink 3%, the worst contraction since the Great Depression of the 1930s.

April 14 – US President Donald Trump freezes funding for the World Health Organization pending a review, for mistakes in handling the coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic and for being "China-centric", prompting international criticism.

April 15 – The number of confirmed cases of COVID-19 passes 2 million worldwide.

April 16 – 22 million Americans have filed for unemployment in 4 weeks (5.2 million in the last week), wiping out 9 1/2 years of job gains.

April 20 – Oil prices reach a record low.

April 25 – The global death toll from COVID-19 exceeds 200,000.

April 27 – The number of confirmed cases of COVID-19 passes 3 million worldwide.

April 28 – US Department of Defense releases three declassified videos of possible UFOs from 2004 and 2015.

April 30 – British Captain Tom Moore, who raised more £30 million for the National Health Service walking in his garden, turns 100 and made an honorary colonel by the Queen.

May

May 5 – The UK death toll from COVID-19 becomes the highest in Europe.

May 6 – Irish organisation repays a 170 year old favor, raising over $2 million (to date) for US Navajo Nation and Hopi Reservation badly affected by coronavirus. In 1840s Choctaw Nation sent $170 to aid Irish potato famine.

May 6 – Hungary has become the first EU member state to lose their democractic status according to the NGO Freedom House.

May 10 – The number of confirmed cases of COVID-19 passes 4 million worldwide.

May 12 – Gunmen storm a maternity hospital and kill 24 people, including two newborn babies, in Dashte Barchi, a majority-Shia neighborhood of Kabul, Afghanistan.

May 13 – Every African country now has cases of coronavirus COVID-19.

May 14 – The UN warns of a global mental health crisis caused by isolation, fear, uncertainty and economic turmoil.

May 16 – 118-year old American department store JC Penney files for bankruptcy.

May 19 – Greenhouse gas emissions dropped 17% worldwide in April 2020 when world was in lockdown, in study published in "Nature Climate Change."

May 19 – Two dams on Tittabawassee River in central Michigan breached by floodwaters, forcing evacuation of thousands of residents.

May 21 – Cyclone Amphan makes landfall in eastern India and Bangladesh, killing over 100 people and forcing the evacuation of more than 4 million others. It causes over US$13 billion in damage, making it the costliest cyclone ever recorded in the North Indian Ocean.

May 26 – George Floyd, an African-American man dies after he was handcuffed and lying face down on a city street during an arrest, Derek Chauvin, a white Minneapolis police officer kept his knee on Floyd's neck for 8 minutes and 46 seconds despite he was pleading for breath.

May 26 – Costa Rica becomes the first Central American country to legalise same-sex marriage.

May 26 – Twitter adds warning labels to warn about inaccuracies in US President Donald Trump's tweets for the first time.

May 26 – After a recording by a bystander about the arrest of George Floyd went viral the four officers who were present were fired. The same day a demonstrations and protests took place in the Minneapolis–Saint Paul area.

May 27 – The Chinese National People's Congress votes in favour of national security legislation that prevents subversion, terrorism, separatism and foreign interference in Hong Kong.

May 27 – Spain begins 10 days of mourning for victims of COVID-19.

May 28 – The United States Department of Justice released a joint statement with the FBI, saying they had made the investigation into George Floyd's death "a top priority".

May 29 – Derek Chauvin was arrested and charged him with third-degree murder and second-degree manslaughter, becoming the first white officer in Minnesota to be charged for the death of a black civilian.

May 30 – The first crewed flight of the Dragon 2 is launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida, the first manned spacecraft to take off from U.S. soil since 2011. The next day the spacecraft successfully reached the International Space Station (ISS).

May 31 – Since May 26 over a 100 city in all 50 states in the US was held supporting those seeking justice for George Floyd and the Black Lives Matter movement, and speaking out against police brutality.

May 31 – The hacktivist group Anonymous released a video after remaining silent for 3 years demanding justice for George Floyd.

May 31 – The number of confirmed cases of COVID-19 passes 6 million worldwide.

#2020 #covid19 #coronavirus #black lives matter #politics #history #protest #economy #justice #environment #long post #very long post #text post #I hope some of yall will find something you didn't know of #(I did)#also stay safe and healty!

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animeomegas · 3 years

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who has the easiest or the most difficult time giving birth fr the naruto boys?

I didn’t include the boys who only adopted like Neji, or the childfree people like Kakashi and Kankuro. I did include non-massacre Itachi and Iruka, who could be persuaded to have biological children, even if he wanted to adopt.

Easiest

1. Naruto – He had the easiest time getting pregnant, being pregnant, and being in labour. For ALL his pregnancies. Other omegas kind of hate him for that. Not to mention he heals immediately after because of the Kyuubi. He only suffers from the post-birth effects for a few hours and then he’s immediately back to running around with no worries. He is very positive through the whole labour, countering pain with impassioned speeches to himself about how worth it his baby was going to be. You wouldn’t think his talk-no-jutsu works on himself, but apparently it does. Basically, he had the easiest birth ever™.

2. Kiba – My headcanon is that part of the Inuzuka clan’s bloodline means that labour is easier, much like how a dog’s labour is way less intense than a human’s. Inuzuka’s have wider hips generally, but also move flexible hips meaning that contractions aren’t as painful, and they are less likely to have complications during birth. So, for him, contractions aren’t a big deal, it’s just the actual birthing part. I didn’t write for his future family, but I actually headcanon him giving birth to triplets, so that makes it a little more difficult. He still needs a lot of postnatal care, just like a regular omega though.

3. Iruka – Here is where we move on to the normal labours. Naruto and Kiba are very much outliers. Iruka’s labour is very average. Nothing dramatic, but it’s not exactly easy. It’s not easy for Iruka’s alpha either, because Iruka is definitely both the ‘you did this to me’ omega and the ‘crushes alpha’s hand during painful contractions’ omega. He shouts a lot during his labour but mellows very quickly once the pup is out. He doesn’t have any complications and he recovers pretty quick, but it’s not exactly fun for any party involved.

4. Gaara – Him and Iruka are almost interchangeable, as they both experienced very similar labours, aka extremely average labours. Gaara didn’t shout nearly as much though. The reason Gaara is slightly lower down is because he went into labour on the hottest day of the year in the desert. Even for someone used to the heat, that’s a lot. Gaara had decided to give birth in his nest for his first pup, but actually organised a water birth for his second, just because the heat was so unbearable the first time.

5. Sasuke – Labour is actually the easiest part for Sasuke (before and after are much, much harder for him), but of course, it’s still Sasuke, so can anything truly be easy for him? Not quite. His labour lasts for 12 hours to start with, which isn’t fun, but also his pup ends up getting tangled in her umbilical cord. Ultimately, everything else if mostly fine. His labour is probably still somewhere in the normal range. When Sasuke decides to stick with only one child, the labour is the least important factor in his decision, so he doesn’t end up that bothered by it.

6. Shikamaru – Oh, poor Shikamaru. When he told his parents that he was pregnant, his mother delighted in sharing horror stories from his birth, in particular stories about how difficult it was giving birth to a baby so big. Shikamaru was a huge and overdue baby after all. Shikamaru brushes them off at first. But then his stomach gets bigger and bigger and bigger. His stomach grows very fast, and everyone is convinced that he must be having twins or triplets, but no, he only has one pup. They’re just huge. After that, Shikamaru starts to get a little nervous, not that he admits to that. His labour is just as bad as his mother made it out to be. He tears a lot which makes it quite difficult for him to stand once he’s released from the hospital. He also goes through a painful, but not dangerous issue with his pelvis post-birth. He’s mostly okay, but his whole downstairs is pretty messed up for a while. His mednin bans penetrative sex for eight months minimum, which makes Shikamaru very grumpy haha.

7. Shino – The hardest part of labour for Shino is the mental stress rather than the physical one. He gives birth at home with a couple of Aburame medics and his alpha by his side. The fact that the mednin that he hardly knows are with him at his most vulnerable really freaks him out. He almost refuses to let them measure how wide he’s dilated, having to be convinced by his alpha to let the mednin do their jobs. For Shino, laying down, hardly dressed with his legs pushed up and open in the presence of almost strangers is his worst nightmare. The fact that they put their hands all up on and in him makes him feel sick. His kikaichu go wild because of his panic and pain which only serves to stress him out even more. The actual labour part is pretty standard except for the fact that it lasts for 18 hours. There are no complications despite the long time, but Shino cites those hours as the worst of his life, no competition.

8. Itachi (non-massacre AU) – His is easily the worst given the fact that he almost dies. Itachi also gives birth at home with clan medics, but he has more than just a couple because of his status as high risk. Itachi’s poor health means that he struggles to handle the stress of pregnancy, and the stress of labour is way too much. Itachi loses a lot of blood and haemorrhages very badly. He almost ends up bleeding to death in his alpha’s arms, but thankfully the mednins manage to save him. The actual labour is only about six hours, but Itachi ends up needing intensive care for another day, followed by months of aided recovery. Itachi is too weak to stand up unassisted for a fortnight following him labour. It’s a very difficult time for him, and he claims the spot of most difficult labour by a long shot.

Most difficult

#abo #omegaverse #omega!itachi #omega!shino #omega!Shikamaru #omega!sasuke #omega!gaara #omega!kiba #omega!naruto #omega!iruka #alpha!reader #reader insert #headcanons #mpreg #tw:labour #tw:tokophobia #tw:giving birth #tw:birth #gn!alpha

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watery-lane · 3 years

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Words into Smoke

The Night You Cared Sequel.

Pairing: Modern!Ivar Lothbrok x Reader

Summary: As a part of his therapy, Ivar writes letters to unwind and keep track of his mental health progress. He writes to his mom, he misses her. He writes to Sigurd, sometimes he regrets his departure. One night, he writes about her.

Warnings: Angst

Words: 3864

A/N: (3/5/20) I had this idea in my head that I simply could not let go.

(10/4/21) P.S: Can’t promise I’m back, but I’m definitely turning to writing as a way of winding down. I hope you guys are alright.

Part I / Part II / Epilogue

Some nights, while the city sleeps, Ivar stays awake. Like an owl looking for a prey, the Ragnarsson remains seated upright at the edge of his bed, his now heavily tattooed chest exposed to the world through the panoramic window, heaving. Beating.

Some nights were amazing. He got his drivers license, and Freydis got him an adapted Bentley as a gift. He would spend the nights driving by himself down the empty streets of Kattegat, not worrying about speeding tickets or angry neighbours.

Not so long ago, he learned his wife was finally carrying a child, her round belly reminding him that he had a legacy to keep, now that the Lothbrok dynasty seemed to be more fragmented than ever. After spending thousands of krone on in vitro fertilisation, the universe seemed to work in his favour. Their favour. If the gods were unwilling to bless them two, science would. These were the nights that were made for celebrations, champaign showers and water for the mother to be.

Some nights were alright. Ivar would come back after a long day of meetings and getting his ass kissed, to find Freydis immersed in her little personal projects. He would tell Erik to pick up some takeaway while he washed away the power and wrapped himself in mundane clothes. He would eat in silence, elbows propped on the counter and eyes on the horizon, watching the sun kiss the skyscrapers goodbye as he mindlessly put food in his mouth. Then he would take his new baby for a ride, to the bar he now owned with his brother Hvitserk.

Ivar would go there, check the inventory and the register, ask the employees how everything was going and what could he do for them. Sometimes he would also find Hvitserk at the bar, practicing the cocktail skills he had been mastering since he took over your share of the bar. Ivar would simply walk past, not entirely avoiding making contact with his sibling but prefering to keep a healthy distance from the person that substituted you. He started visiting the local more often after you left, feeling the responsibility to continue what you started. He found peace in the simplicity of managing a bar: at the office, he was a tyrannic boss, voice always booming through the walls, keeping both employees and investors in check. At the bar, he was just the young lovestruck Ivar he once was. He understood then, why you wished to escape from it all. You are just a memory now, but sometimes he still feels you around, checking on the girls, checking on him.

Some nights were... Painful. Therapy had a big presence in his life. He no longer needed a cane thanks to nurse Hansen, his physical therapist. But on some days, the stress and the weather would simply take a toll on his legs, forcing him to carry around that metal stick that reminded him that he was, in fact, human.

Before you left, Freydis figured out a question that would calm Ivar down and make him focus: “What would Dr. Nielsen tell you to do?”. That was how she got him to control himself and open up the last time he was onstage, the night she met you. They were just engaged back then. Oh, how quick did time pass. Ivar no longer organised events like that. He was too consumed by his two jobs. There were nights where Freydis would be on business trips, or out hanging out with friends until the next morning, nights where absences were felt more than presences. But he was coping now. Dr. Nielsen helped the youngest Lothbrok greatly since his great breakdown.

Ivar had thought he physically felt his heart break the night he got down the stage to find you, only to figure out you were gone after most of the guests had left the hotel ballroom. He felt compelled to call you dozens of times to ask for an explanation. After his calls went unanswered, he decided to drive around town in search of you, not knowing where to start, not knowing where to ask, anger poisoning his brain and taking over his actions. That night he stayed at Loki’s after barging in to see if you were hiding there like “the coward you were”. He hated the fact that you could make him feel that weak. It felt like he was putty and Freydis was fire, hardening him the more he was exposed to her. You were water, turning him into a pliable being, at mercy of your actions.

For five days in a row, he found himself staying at his office until late at night, observing his office telephone with attention and indecision, silently praying for you to pick up the phone, practicing the rage filled words he was about to rain down on you the moment you uttered a response. He prayed with ill intentions, but he prayed nonetheless. It was his last resort.

The earth seemed to crack open and swallow him whole the moment he gathered all his courage and dialed your number, only to hear an automated voice telling him that the number no longer existed. He sat there, phone on his hand as a white noise took over the voice message, thinking about the different possibilities that could have happened for you to cancel your line. Maybe, he thought. Maybe I really asked for too much this time.

“Fuck no,” Ivar reflected out loud as he tossed his phone away, “In no fucking way this is my fault.”

“Ivar?” A distant voice reverberated through the glass corridors. It sounded familiar. The youngest Ragnarsson frowned, weirded out by the fact that one of his brothers was still in the office this late.

It wasn’t just one of his brothers, but the three of them.

“Freydis called us asking where you were. You’ve been out late at night for many days in a row, she literally just confronted each one of us asking whether you were having an affair.” Hvitserk said, arms crossed as he leaned on the door frame. “That woman nearly dragged each one of us out to look for you.” Ivar pursed his lips, outraged by such accusations from his then fiancée.

“Well, tell her I’d never do such thing.” He answered, swatting his hand in annoyance. “I am surprised she came to that conclusion, knowing how busy I always am as the bloody CEO!” He exclaimed, letting the following silence fill the room as he flashed a disdainful look towards his brothers.

“Why are you here, brother?” Ubbe finally dared to ask, observing his youngest sibling sway in his chair from side to side.

Ivar looked up for a brief moment, like a puppy who lost his favourite toy, and decided to tell them the whole story. That the had the hunch you were back from a strange event where someone knocked on his penthouse door. To that, Ubbe awkwardly shifted in his place, still listening intently. Ivar explained that he sent you an invite to his inaguration gala and how he asked you to stay for his speech so you could have a dance afterwards, unaware of the utterly personal turn his speech would take just because an old man decided to drink a bit more than usual that night. How he waited for you, called you and looked for you tirelessly, frustration filling his voice as he talked about how you had been avoiding him for a week now, changing your phone number in the process.

“If she thinks she can avoid me by changing numbers she’s dead wrong. We’re business partners, for fucks sake!” He complained, registering the situation as a burden. “I’ll find her new phone sooner or later.”

Unbeknownst Ivar, tension had been gradually building up as he spoke, his three brothers standing still in their places, not knowing how to break the news. Sure they knew this day would come, but none of the three expected to be trapped with the ticking bomb. It was way too soon. Too recent.

Hell, it was about you. It was most likely no amount of time would soften the blow.

Ubbe took a step forward, leaning on the hardwood desk. With a resigned tone, he mumbled:

“She’s gone, Ivar.” He swallowed. “(Y/n) left Kattegat.”

Already motionless before, Ivar remained still. He darted his eyes to look at his brother, confusion and fear brewing within him, fueling a fire he thought it was extinguished the day he made Sigurd leave. With trembling lips but a determined voice, he asked how did he know. How did Ubbe Ragnarsson, the brother who would stab his youngest sibling in the back at the slightest opportunity, know the whereabouts of his woman, while he sat there completely lost, disoriented.

With an attempt of a soothing voice, Ubbe confessed that months ago he offered you a job position to work on a humanitarian project he had running in Haiti. Aslaug had stated in her will that she wished to expand the non-profit organisation she created to other countries and Ubbe decided to make his deceased mother’s wish come true. He told Ivar that while you rejected the offer at first, you ended up accepting it the night of his gala. That you made him promise to make the process fast and discreet, and that, while you insisted on paying for the plane tickets, Lothbrok Inc. paid for your travel expenses and necessities. You left three days ago, unnanounced, with only Ubbe at the airport to bid you farewell.

Hvitserk, who remained silent all this time, let him know that you were no longer the owner of the bar you opened together. At that, Ivar panicked, his eyes wide open as he snapped his head towards his older brother. You simply signed a transfer contract, with Ubbe as the witness and five krone as the contingency, stating that you were returning the property to Lothbrok Inc., thus paying your debt to the family and releasing yourself from any ties to Ivar. He tried to soften the blow, letting him know that he didn’t know you gave him your share because you were leaving. He thought it was a rash decision that stemmed from seeing Ivar with a fiancée, that you’d come back and take back the business when you were ready. He promised he’d take care of the bar as well as you took care of it, that nothing would change under his management.

Ivar listened intently, motionless. His breathing was deep, yet steady. He never moved a muscle voluntarily, but his nostrils flared with every breath and his hand, hidden under the desk, shook incontrollably as he processed their words. His piercing gaze was focused on the oldest Aslaugsson, who was now relaxing and straightening his back as he regained his composure.

It felt like every action happened in slow motion, yet the blow came fast. In mere seconds, Ivar had propped himself forward from the chair, one of his hands grabbing the jacket Ubbe was wearing while the other, contracted in a fist, made contact with his right cheek. That is when Bjorn, who had been silent during the whole exchange, stepped in, grabbing the torso of his youngest brother as he struggled to keep himself standing, making sure he didn’t hurt himself.

Sometimes, Ivar still hears his own screams.

“YOU TOOK HER FROM ME!” Ivar accused, eyes absent of tears but voice cracking at the end of the sentence. “SHEWAS GOING TO STAY,” He roared, fists swinging towards his brother’s face. “AND YOU FUCKING TOOK HER FROM ME!”

He lost it that night. The screams he released came from the depths of his sorrow, his eyes only registering red while all his nerves could only feel the desperation taking over his soul. Ivar kept trying to reach Ubbe, unaware of how he repeatedly banged his legs against the desk as Bjorn tried to pin him down.

But what started as a justified outburst gradually led to nonsensical, rage-filled accusations.

“You wanted to fuck her, didn’t you? You wanted her and you couldn’t stand the fact that she chose ME!” Ivar recriminated, grabbing a sharp glass ornament and throwing it to his brother. Ubbe pursed his lips, dodging the improvised weapon. “You did this to get back at me, hmm? YOU WANT ALL I HAVE, DON’T YOU?” He seethed, eyes and mouth wide open, exposing his teeth like a menacing predator as he let out a guttural laugh.

Bjorn was having a difficult time restraining him. Years relying on his upper body strength gave Ivar the advantage of resilience amongst his biggest sibling, while Bjorn struggled to keep him in place. Ivar managed to grab the second glass ornament, throwing it as he shrieked.

“DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” his voice boomed in the room, palm pounding his chest as his free hand signaled the whole place. “YOU CAN’T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME, I AM IVAR LOTHBROK! YOU CAN’T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME!” Ivar kept shouting, cursing as he spat towards Ubbe.

Hvitserk stepped forward, having seen enough, ready to take on his little brother. To his surprise, Ubbe halted him, his arm creating a barrier between Hvitserk and Ivar as he observed with intent and horror etched on his face.

That night, Ivar lost the little progress he made. He broke his femur, dignity left behind as an ambulance carried him to the emergency room.

As if that wasn’t enough, he lost another family member to Lagertha that night.

With a reedy voice as he laid down in the hospital bed, he asked Ubbe one thing:

“Bring her back.” He whispered, his eyes stuck in the ceiling, pretty certain that if he laid his eyes on his brother, he would kill him. “She is working for Lothbrok Inc. now. Bring her back.” His request was met with silence. “That’s an order.” He swallowed, nostrils flaring with each ticking second.

“I’m sorry, Ivar.” Ubbe mumbled. “The Sigurðdóttir Trust is out of your reach.” He reminded him, reopening a wound that Ivar closed not so long ago. “That’s what mother wished.” Ivar snapped his head at the mention of his beloved mother. The brim of his eyes were red like his sclera, a menacing gaze stabbing his brother as Ivar grabbed his wrist.

“You have three days to gather your stuff and leave Lothbrok Inc.” Ivar seethed as he moved his face closer to his brother. “If you’re not gone after that, I will make sure you’ll leave the premises crawling like I crawled as a child.” Ivar swore, releasing his wrist as he let his head drop back to the sterile pillow.

Up to this day, Ivar still saw Ubbe’s action as a huge betrayal. He knew his older brother would return to his life as the new addition of Lagertha’s legal team, Bjorn granted his little brother this little backup plan.

Tonight, his thoughts weighted a little heavier. His eyes scanned the city before focusing on his bedroom, where he finds the clothes he wore today discarded on the leather chair. Behind him, his wife slept peacefully, her baby bumb protuding more and more each passing day. His legs were alright, but with the absence of physical pain he could sense his yearning looming over his head.

Ivar sighs and stands up silently, his bare feet and metallic support dragging on the tiles as he moved to his home office.

Dr. Nielsen taught him the importance of adapted emotional releases. She actively discouraged Ivar from indulging in his impulses and told him to write them down instead. For business meetings, Ivar was told to count until 10, 20 or even 30 if he was encountered with bad news. When it came to personal affairs, Dr. Nielsen told him to write letters addressed to the pertinent subject. Ivar could write them and discard them, write them and take them to therapy or he could write them and send them to the addressee.

It wasn’t the most effective exercise, but it kept his flame at bay. He needed to learn to do that, now that he knew he had a little one coming soon.

Sometimes he wrote to his mother, asking her questions about ruling an empire he wished he had the answer to. Those he kept, as a tool to reflect later on when his ambition peaked. The more emotional ones he’d take to Dr. Nielsen, a proof of his progress on his journey to... normalcy. The ones he wrote to Sigurd, those he threw away. In those pages filled with guilt and rage, he found himself cornered in a bleak past that seemed to refuse to let him go.

Tonight, he thought about you.

It wasn’t like you weren’t a constant presence in his mind, like an annoying tenant in his brain that refused to leave or pay rent. Ivar just chose to remember the best parts of you, those who could be found at the bar you owned, or on his bed when Freydis left him for the night. If he kept you alive that way, he would also keep alive that part of him he thought he lost. You were inevitable, like the pain after a blow or the kiss after a reencounter.

He wishes he could blame you. For leaving, for stepping outside the gala without waiting for your dance. For silently giving away your shares to Hvitserk, who the only thing he knew about bars was how to empty the alcohol pantry. But there is a part of him that cannot physically repulse you.

Ivar sits down and turns on the desk lamp in front of him. He finds his precious pen and puts a piece of paper on the desk. Before starting, he hesitates.

Dear (Y/n),

He groans, crossing the two words with disdain.

Hello.

“Hello?” Ivar shakes his head, crossing the word again.

Hi, princess.

Ivar cringes. No.

Frustrated, he discards the paper. He had done it before. Why was it so hard to do it all over again now?

Just... Jump right in. Start from the beginning, start from the middle, start from the end if you prefer. He recalls the advice of his therapist. Sometimes, formalities are overrated. It may help when you have nothing to say, but it becomes a burden when you got too much to say. Ivar reflected.

And so he did.

Every night I drive through the streets of Kattegat I find myself looking for you wandering around, looking for me to give you a lift, for the memory of our first reencounters were the ones that helped us find redemption.

It is weird, but I still have the need to find you even though I know you are no longer here. The idea of you lives in my head, that I am sure of. The feel of you, that is what I miss.

I guess part of me feels like I still need to apologise for something that I’ve done.

At the sight of his words written on paper, Ivar blinks. He never consciously thought much more ahead of his negations, his feelings dictating the perspectives he kept imposing to his reality.

He sacrificed so much for you. He tried to change for you. He went to therapy, he learned to walk. Ivar tried to become the right man for you, he really tried.

He wished you were there to see it.

Ivar doesn’t really know what he did wrong. All he knows is...

And now that you’re gone for good,

He shakes his head, crossing the last two words.

all I wish for is to be in the wrong this time.

Ivar huffs in frustration.

I wish I had been selfish, I wish I was the old Ivar. I wish I had begged you to stay, to manage this empire I never chos- by my side.

I know you would have never wanted this.

But I know you would have never said no to us.

Mindlessly, Ivar puts his pen in his mouth, a subconscious tick he developped not-so recently. Passing his hands through his hair, he sighed.

I started to smoke. He confessed. I know you never liked the smell, how it clings to my clothes, my mouth, how it lingered around the house when my brothers decided to have one one in their rooms. Ivar snorts at the memory. Not that you’re here to tell me off.

Freydis has been buying candles, they’re all around the house now. The smell of the cigarettes blends with the essences and I technically get to have fire dispensers in every single room.

“Maybe I’m waiting for you to magically show up and tell me to fuck off.” He whispers.

Suddenly, Ivar shakes his head, as if the physical gesture cleared his mind.

I guess I’ll have to stop soon, I have a baby on the way. He releases an airy laugh as he re-reads what he just wrote. Who would have thought, (Y/n)? A baby. Me. Your Ivar.

The young Ragnarsson lets out a tired sigh, strenghening his grip on the metalling pen as he mindlessly tapped on the crystal desk. With resigned resolution, he decides to write his last lines, telling himself that he is finally starting to accept reality.

I know you’re not going to come back. Not to the place we grew up at, at least.

If you ever do, I just want to let you know, as sappy as it may sound, that my heart will always be open for you, even when my arms are not.

I miss you.

I miss us.

Take care,

Ivar.

Dropping the pen, Ivar stares at his letter. His hands blindly search for an envelope, a frown etched on his face until his fingertips brush against the soft surface of the letter. You don’t know, but he found your new address. He searched around Ubbe’s old files.

With a careful manner, Ivar writes down your address on the envelope.

He stands up, walks to his living room and grabs a jacket as he makes his way to the exit.

All of the sudden he stops right on his tracks, his free hand almost reaching to the door handle. Freydis seemed to have forgotten to put out a lone candle, a tiny fragrance dispenser resting on the entrance drawer.

Ivar may not be aware of a lot of things in life, but one thing he was certain of: smoke traveled faster than mail.

His hand was trembling slightly, but it managed to follow his instructions. With a swift move, Ivar positioned the ephemeral piece of paper on the fire, watching intently how the flames consumed his words and took them to you. Discreetly, he threw the burning letter in the empty bin, the lid cutting short the trail of smoke escaping from the container.

He makes sure ashes are all what it remains from his indecent confession and makes his way back to the bedroom. Slowly but steadily, Ivar returns to bed, nesting himself between the sheets before holding his beloved wife in his embrace.

Tonight, he was human. Tomorrow, he’ll have to be a God.

The end.

Taglist:

Note: This is the old taglist I have noted from my past Ivar ficts. Please let me know if you want to be removed or added by sending an ask here.

@aesstheticallypleasing @captstefanbrandt @unicornbaby741 @fuckthatfeeling @huffelpuffers @yannii04 @collecting-stories @timber3 @darkwolfpeanutskeleton @vampsclassiffied @lenafarn @yourpurplequeen@youbloodymadgenius @lettersofwrittencollective

#ivar x reader #ivar the boneless x reader #ivar lothbrok x reader #ivar ragnarsson x reader #ivar/reader #ivar the boneless/reader #ivar ragnarsson/reader #ivar imagine #ivar the boneless imagine #ivar lothbrok imagine #ivar lothbrok/reader #Ivar One shot #ivar the boneless one shot #ivar lothbrok one shot #ivar ragnarsson one shot #ivar ragnarsson imagine

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bucketofchum · 3 years

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More good and bad stuff I guess

The good: officially the end of my contract - my PhD days are almost over!

The bad: My PhD days are not over yet, and this doesn't change any of my workload. I still have to work, just unpaid now.

More bad: my phone died cuz of water damage (I biked to work in the rain) and is not protected under warranty for water damage despite that I literally just dropped 270€ on it 4 months ago.

More bad: Means I need to get a new phone but also I have no income rn.

The good: have a job interview next week.

The bad: it's a skressful job interview because they literally want me to make 2 presentations, one of which is them asking me to do a comparative study of statistical methods applied to their project. You know. Actually working for them. For an interview.

The good: I do think they might like me though. It seems like a small group, and they don't have much of anything tbh. Their website linked to their publications - of which they have none. Only one poster, and that was last year.

The bad: idk man that kinda sucks though. idek if I really wanna work with them.

The neither good nor bad: I reached back out to the first job I applied to which I really liked, but it's been 6 weeks and I have not heard a thing. Hoping they are still considering me but unsure. It's a team I'd much prefer to work with, and I think the start date would be later (maybe September instead of July, giving me some time to break after my thesis defense in July instead of needing to directly move to another city right after). They also have lots and lots of publications in very high impact journals and are an internationally reknowned organisation. Unlike the one in La Rochelle which is kind of a nowhere smol lab with no publications. idk man. I really don't know. So here's just to waiting. Their original job offer said they were still taking applications until May 31st, so maybe that's why. But also I have a feeling that the smaller one in La Rochelle will probably like me cuz 1) I came highly recommended 2) I might be overqualified 3) idk how many other candidates they have gotten from anywhere else cuz it's such a small specific group.

Anyhow, that's an update on my life. Still a lot of stress going on.

I still have another paper due in the upcoming 2-3 weeks, overlapping with when my thesis is due (to send to the jury members). That's also good and bad I guess. Just a lot of goods and bads. Rn, the bads are slightly outweighing the goods, but considering that the past few weeks have been the bads OVERWHELMINGLY outweighing the goods, "slightly" is a huge improvement. Now I can just be mildly sad instead of feeling like I'm constantly drowning and dying.

#personal #vent #?#is this a vent?

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allie1804-fan · 4 years

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Please Assist Me (Chapter 2)

Chapter 1

He Said

Sophia’s trial month flew by - she had completely proved herself. By 6 months in, I really didn’t know how I’d coped before her - she had shown her value time and time again.

The gifts she helped me pick out were always perfect fits for the receivers and she always paid such close attention to the little details that made a gift personal. Kim was thrilled with the coffee set and Karina adored the genuine Moroccan tagine.

She made me laugh sometimes when she questioned the budget but I always just said that “you can’t take it with you” and “why have it if you can’t spend it”. Anyway, I am not that extravagant about most things, well not compared to others in my business. Sometimes though, the cheaper alternatives she came up with were genuinely great ideas.

She made the house feel loved rather than the scruffy dormitory it’s prone to become when I am left in charge! I remember that on the very first day, when I got home, the t shirts and boxers I’d left in the dryer that morning were neatly folded on my bed. I had felt a slight moment of anxiety at a woman handling my undies but figured since she had been married, it wouldn’t be the first time! My house even felt truly homely sometimes when she’d bring the kids over if we had to meet on a Saturday or the school holidays. They are adorable and very well behaved – a reflection of their mother.

And her cooking skills were very handy – she’d make me salads and soups so I had easy meals after a long day on set so I didn’t always end up stopping for Ramen on my way home! And she even helped me one time by half prepping a meal I was going to make for Alex Winter and his wife. She made me look good though I did admit I had help!

Alex said

Keanu had a real spring in his step since starting his new project. At first I assumed it was all a reflection of his creative satisfaction but then I noticed something else – at every opportunity after she started working for him, he would mention his new PA Sophia when we got together or talked on the phone.

He’d tell me how it was she who picked out my birthday card and gift - well the options at least and even she who was helping Karina to arrange his mother’s birthday party.

One weekend he invited Ramsey and I to dinner. There we discovered that it was Sophia who had prepped a lot of the ingredients for him the day before as he was on set on Saturday morning! She was everywhere!

He seemed to view her as his personal saviour but at the same time also seemed oblivious to the affection he clearly had for her – and let’s not forget her kids and how he gushed about them.

I needed to talk to him and took my opportunity after dinner.

He said

I guess all those thoughts about how great Sophia was were bubbling away in my mind over dinner with Alex and Ramsey. I could feel myself going on about her and noticed Alex raise his eyebrows a couple of times when I brought her up yet again.

In the kitchen after dinner Alex brought it up asking if maybe I had a little crush on her.

“nahhh, come on, I don’t have time for that” I protested “I mean, yes she’s lovely, a godsend to me in fact and she’s very attractive I grant you but ……. What?”

Alex was laughing and rolling his eyes at me but I was hesitant to admit anything. After all, she was my employee, and from a different world from me. I’d always imagined that if I got together with anyone, it would be someone in our profession or something related. Someone creative who’d understand my passion. Besides, she was a mother of 2 and I have never got the slightest impression she saw me as anything other than the boss, the busy guy who didn’t have time to buy his own groceries or his own mother’s birthday card and gift.

“It’s just that she is really making my day to day life easier so of course I mention her a lot – I mean she half cooked our dinner”

“Whatever!” Alex said in an exasperated tone “just think about it, will ya?”

“Whatever!” I retorted.

I continued to ponder all this for several days and then events kind of took over.

She Said

The first month flew by and I passed muster. I was now employed on a rolling contract.

I know it was only everyday tasks I was doing but it still gave me job satisfaction. I put care into leaving the house looking and feeling homely and I tried hard with the gift and card buying, making sure I understood what he wanted and also found out enough about the recipient to get the most suitable items.

His insistence on signing the cards himself was adorable. Most days that I was at his house, I’d need to leave something for him to sign or a little message asking for instructions about groceries or meals. In that way and through phone messaging, we had a continuous dialogue. I knew he was my employer but it also felt like he was my friend.

That feeling was further reinforced when, about 4 months into the job, he invited me and the kids over to lunch one Saturday to meet his younger sister Karina as she was organising a birthday party for his mum and he was essentially delegating his duties to me.

Keanu told me that Karina would do some buffet food for lunch so I made a contribution of some home-made tuna empanadillas which were one of my specialities. I can’t deny that I held my breath when Keanu and Karina tucked into my bake and delighted in their enthusiastic response

“God these are amazing, you sure you don’t want to cater mom’s party as well?” Karina joked

I liked her and it was fun to start the plans with her. Keanu said his role was basically “show up and cover the costs” and left us to it, preferring to play with the kids. He’d suggested they bring their swim things and took them out to the pool to play.

Miguel and Eva really liked him and he took great pleasure in doing his Duke Caboom impressions for them. I can’t deny that my heart skipped a beat to seem him out there being so sweet with them. They didn’t see much of their Dad anymore since he’d moved away with his new girlfriend so it was good for them, and specially Miguel, to interact with another man.

@fortheloveoffanfic @kindainlovewithkeanu @omg-imagine @iworshipkeanureeves @fics-not-tragedies @ficsnroses @keanureevesisbae @penwieldingdreamer @witty-wallflower @paperplanesandwallflowers @bitchyslut99 @ladyreapermc @toomanystoriessolittletime @fanficsrusz @keanuficfiles

#keanu reeves fanfic #keanu reeves fanfiction #keanu #keanu reeves #romance with boss

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dxmedstudent · 4 years

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How to get annual leave and swaps on a nightmare rota:

You’ve all probably heard that it’s a nightmare to get annual leave when you’re on an oncall rota. Well, it is, but I’m going to share my secrets for swapping and booking leave.

1. Don’t get your hopes up too much.

You might not get the days that you want. It’s crushing if you can’t go on a holiday you want, or spend those days with your friends you were hoping for, or miss a friend’s wedding or something like that. It sucks and I can’t make it better. I can only give you the tools to make it slightly more likely that you’ll get what you want. Based on real life experience.

Warn your loved ones that you might not be able to get the dates that you want, but you’ll try.

No, really, I’m serious. Set realistic expectations. You don’t want them to think it’s because you don’t care about their wedding or your brother’s graduation or your girlfriend’s dream holiday etc. People who don’t work in healthcare may not realise how tricky the process is.

learn to love excel spreadsheets. They are the way forward.

Make sure you’ve got a clear representation of your rota available, that you can send to friends and family when needed.

2. Check early.

This may mean:

email colleagues to find out who the rota coordinator actually is.

This may be before you even work at that hospital so you might have to do it all remotely via phoning and emailing a ton of people who aren’t really sure.

If nobody knows, try switchboard or whoever your contact for your placement there is - someone will eventually cc in someone who knows who the rota coordinator is.

This is easier if you’re already working in the hospital, and more difficult if you’re not.

Once you know who it is, calling the coordinator might be more useful than emailing; they tend to get inundated. A lot of the coordinators I’ve known have been patchy on the email communication front due to sheer volume.

Visiting them is also an option if you’re in the same hospital; this stuff is always easiest to clear face to face with the spreadsheet in front of you.

Bear in mind most people don’t have plans for their weekends months in advance, but when you get into the realm of last minute swaps, people are more likely to have stuff they’d rather do than work your shift.

Remember that the new junior doctor contract stipulates that if you give enough notice, they should try to accommodate life changing days. So get that notice in as early as possible.

3. Cast a targeted net.

Your colleagues want to help, but sending out mass emails or whatsapp messages about swaps often has a low return. People mean to check or reply, but then forget. Don’t rely on a half-assed message on whatsapp to find you any swaps for your precious days.

Look for people who also want to swap; these people will be most motivated to help you both come to an agreement.You’re both highly motivated to make it happen, so it’s more likely to come together.

Consider 3 or 4 way swaps if a bunch of you want to swap but there’s no easy solution. With a lot of excel work, it can be done.

Sitting down together with excel can really help, but it’s possible to organise entirely over email with a few brief chats.

Strike when the iron is hot; don’t leave it too long between emails and chats, or people will forget what you were all agreeing. Good swaps involve a flurry of targeted activity and being sorted quickly and well in advance.

However, even people who want to swap might not be compatible with you on the rota. That’s where my secret comes in.

Find people who are not oncall when you want to be free, and for whom doing your shifts won’t compromise their own timetable too much. This is important; people are less likely to swap if it’ll make their own lives miserable for a couple of weeks.

Consider the people on the rota in the slots above and below yours, because they’d be working that oncall a week earlier or later, so it pobably won’t bother them too much to swap.

Contact these specific people individually, with a proposed swap plan. Make it as easy for them, and offer to contact the rota coordinators on their behalf and just cc them in to agree. After all, You’re the one who wants this swap, it’s fair that you do most of the work.

Consider asking your wardmates if they will swap before casting a wider net (and the days are possible for them on the rota, which you should check before bothering them); this way you know that your ward will retain minimum staffing and the rota coordinator gods will be happy. They also know you and are therefore slightly more motivated to help you than other juniors who may still be faceless strangers at this point.

2. Do all the work for everyone involved in the swap.

The less other people have to do, the more they will be willing to help you, because it doesn’t inconvenience them. And whilst people want to help, they are also busy, so the easier you make it, the easier it is for them to help you.

Find your slot on the rota. Make sure you’re doing what you think you are.

As mentioned before, find people who are not oncall when you want to be free, and for whom doing your shifts won’t compromise their own timetable too much. This is important; people are less likely to swap if it’ll make their own lives miserable for a couple of weeks.

Make a timetable of what your proposed timetable would look like, and what theirs would look like. Doing it in excel helps because it can really give a visual for things like when you’re proposing zero days to be moved to, and ensuring that there aren’t run-on weekends or too many days in a row. It will also ensure you don’t miss any obvious issues like that which will bite you when you’re actually working that horrible rota you made.

If you’ve identified a horrible situation with a rota swap you’re proposing or agreeing to, own up to it, even if it’s already agreed. This year we spotted one after we’d agreed, and had to change it back again.

Take a look at their ward timetable or ask their ward coordinator whether it’ll mess up their ward’s staffing. You’ll have to do the same for your ward as well, but don’t forget that days swapped might affect both wards.

Take minimum staffing seriously. Your colleagues will not thank you for leaving them understaffed, though occasionally consultants agree to it for things like interviews, weddings etc.

Be courteous to everyone, no matter how frustrating this process is. You’re asking for a favour, after all.

Be willing to help out others in turn. If nobody’s willling to take on minor inconveniences to help their peers, none of us will ever get swaps, so bear that in mind.

Consider empty slots on the rota; people who are on maternity leave, slots that never got filled, part time worker slots that never got filled, and sick leave absences. Most of these won’t get filled, meaning their shifts will go out to locum every week until they do, and their ward position will remain empty every week. Since that person is already not there, and there will be locum shifts out regardless, ask your rota coordinator if you can work their oncalls, and whether they can put your oncalls on the days you need swapped out to locum instead. This often works for rota coordinators as they might get more time to find locums, or at least it puts them in no worseof a position than they already were, staffing wise.

If you’re doing this months in advance, I’d make a spreadsheet of what the proposed timetable would look like in case they find someone later to fill the job. Send this to the rota coordinator as part of your discussion; it will make it easier for them to visualise what they are dealing with. If the new shift pattern isn’t horrific for their potential employee (for example, just doing a weekend oncall a week earlier or later), there would be no reason not to swap in advance and just give them that new timetable.

Before you’ve locked down on the oncall day swaps, check with your ward that you’ll be able to take annual leave on the days that you want in order to make it all come together. Swapping oncalls doesn’t necessarily mean there will be enough people on the wards so make sure both are adequately covered.

#rota #annual leave #junior doctorhood #my life #personal #tips for new docs #tips for new fy1s

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innovativeeventexperts-blog · 4 years

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STARTING AN EVENT PLANNING BUSINESS - 7 REAL STEPS TO BECOMING AN EVENT PLANNER

You've decided to have a career full of excitement and fun. You know you're organised, social and creative. Therefore, you decide to start your career as a meeting and/or event planner. What to do? You start doing research and you'll find an article that tells you "how to start your own event planning business today!" They outline how to organize, how to set up an office, and print their own business cards. You're waiting for the phone to ring. Maybe, if you're really on the ball, you join some online associations and get your name there. You made a website. Maybe, maybe, just, you get your first client. Oh. What to do? Exactly I'm going to tell you something you might not want to hear. But, unlike all the other articles that sell your false dreams, I'll tell you the truth.In the absence of at least 3-5 years (or more years) of experience, you will definitely not be able to start your own event planning business. Good news? Yes, you can be an event planner. Yes, it's an interesting and exciting job. No, it does not require any further schooling or certification. But as an event planner, it's not just about picking interesting decorations and entertainment. Bad news? It won't--it can't--happen overnight. The organization of large, legitimate events and conferences requires extensive knowledge and years of experience. There could be a stake of thousands of, hundreds of thousands of, or even millions of PKR. If you don't have the right experience, why should you let your customers trust you? And, more importantly, why would you do this to yourself in the world? Even if you think you want to start by organizing a smaller event, you must know how to choose a venue space, negotiate a vendor contract, organize a registration, create a trip, organize a vendor, select a menu, and so on.Not to mention how you need to know how to charge for a service, write a legal binding contract to protect yourself and your suppliers, choose Insurance, and how to manage the final settlement. We are an impatient society. We want everything now. We believe we can lose weight by taking pills and eliminate cellulite by using lotions. Furthermore, we believe that we can actually go out and plan our business without participating in the event. Do you believe in a commercial pilot who wants to start offering a "Grand Canyon flying Trip" without flying over the plane? Do you believe surgeons can operate on you without an adjuvant operation? Of course not. Therefore, you also do not want to carry out your own activities without having worked. Forget about the sites that tell you, "Yes, you can start your own event planning business today!" Take our two-day course and set up by Monday! ' They just want to sell you your course or e-book. Most smart, well-educated people realize that anything of value takes a little effort. You are smart enough to look to the future and realize that, in hindsight, over the next two or three years, we are well worth your time to learn the industry to ensure that you spend the rest of your working time doing what you like This is ironic. Many people want to participate in the planning of the event, but are not willing to do what is needed to achieve the goal. If you really like activities, then you should be excited to do anything. You should also be aware that, as with any job, it is necessary to learn from the bottom up. Here are the real, realistic steps you need to take to become an event planner. 1.Understand, truly understand, it takes a year, three years, five years or more to gain the experience you need to be a true event planner (depending on your current experience and the level of effort you make in your studies). Making mistakes in the dime of another planner.You will thank yourself in the future! 2. Understand that you can still be part of the event and do all kinds of work in the event planning industry as you learn. Yes, you can start working on event planning at the end of the month; you're not going to be an event planner. Let go of the need to become head Cheese, or need to open their own company outside the gate, enjoy the fun of riding!(In fact, many people find that they do not want to be the responsibility of the Chief planner and are very satisfied with the support position; allow them to remain part of the great event, without pressure or pressure). 3. Start reading all the information about the industry. The world of meetings and events has its own language, and the sooner you understand it, the faster you will learn. 4. Continue with some "information interviews" and/or find a mentor. Information interviews need to find someone at the scene and ask if they have 20 minutes to an hour. It is proposed to bring them to lunch and prepare a list of questions. This interview is about the industry, not the job. 5. Join the Network Association. There are many in your town or city; Contact your meeting and tourist office or study the Internet. 6. Began volunteering to participate in special local events. Find events that will occur within the next six to 4-6 months, find planners and summon them, and ask you to volunteer time to help them. Let them know that you are trying to understand the event and want to build a career.Not only can you gain experience, but you can also open endless doors through many of the connections you will encounter. 7. If you don't need to make a lot of money, you can provide food and beverage services or work for your destination management company. If you can't give up your daily job yet, please work on weekends. Again, you will gain priceless experience and meet contacts who will open many doors of opportunity. If you follow these steps, I guarantee that you can immediately start your dream job in event planning. After several years of experience, you can open your own event planning business. Remember, it takes time for anything of value ... Before you know it, you will lead a dream career!

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laurendormanblog · 4 years

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Blog #8: Coronavirus Updates - March

This comes from a post from simplepolitics on Instagram, released throughout the month of March.

3 March: Boris Johnson has set out a 4 point plan to contain the spread of the virus - contain, delay, research and mitigate (make (something bad) less severe, serious, or painful.) It detailed measures that the government aren’t taking right now, but could take ‘at the right time and on the basis of scientific advice’. These could include:

Encouraging home working and discouraging unnecessary travel.

Consideration of school closures and reducing large-scale gatherings.

Using the Ministry of Defence for support.

Government departments having a coronavirus lead.

Helping businesses with short-term cash-flow problems.

Using more volunteers in hospitals and recalling recently retired staff.

“Our ability to test and treat is going to get us through the coronavirus and get through it in good shape.”

4 March: NHS and Coronavirus.

‘I’ve heard the NHS declared a level 4 incident?’ It’s been level 4 since January. All that means is that we’re co-ordinating nationally.

‘So, what’s happening right now?’ Worst case scenario planning. Reviewing hospital beds, use of video consultations and setting up 24/7 incident teams.

‘And if it gets worse?’ If cases rise, action plans come into play. Extra staff might come from NHS leavers and retirees. Using volunteers like St John’s ambulance has also been raised. Some non-urgent care could be delayed.

‘Will the NHS get more funding to cope?’ Jeremy Corbyn asked in Parliament today. The PM said he’d ‘give them everything they need’ to cope, but wasn’t more specific.

5 March: Plans to fight Coronavirus may limit personal rights (travel, gathering, education etc.) To what extent is that justified?

10 March: Fighting the virus. Individual events may be cancelled, but the UK is resisting ‘lockdowns’ or bans on public gatherings. We’re at stage one - contain - of the government’s 4 point plan to tackle Coronavirus. Is it the right policy?

YES - STAY AT CONTAIN

Those with any symptoms have already been asked to self-isolate. A leading expert said, “Many outdoor events, particularly, are relatively safe.”If measures are introduced too early, they may not be as effective in the long run. There’s the huge practical and economic disruption of closing schools/offices.

NO - MOVE TO DELAY

On average, people take 5 days to show symptoms - they might not self-isolate even though they are carrying the virus. We haven’t yet reached our ‘peak’ so we still have time to act preventatively. We need to protect the most vulnerable. The markets are already volatile - we shouldn’t delay to avoid economic impact.

11 March: As we get deeper into this virus thing, people will become poorly. Some of them you will like. Some you will love. Others might be people with whom you disagree. Maybe disagree a whole lot. Let’s find a way to treat everyone with respect and humanity, whatever their ideology. Abusing people for being ill is as nonsensical as it is ugly.

11 March:

The World Health Organisation has changed the state of Coronavirus to a pandemic. A pandemic is the worldwide spread of a new disease. The virus is now in 114 countries. This change of language may change how countries choose to deal with it. WHO Director Dr Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus was keen to give reassurance. He said, “There’s been so much attention on one word. But these words matter much more:

Prevention

Preparedness

Public health

Political leadership

People.”

13 March: Boris Johnson didn’t announce closures to schools yesterday. Schools will only close if specifically told to - if a student or staff member contracts the virus.

WOO

Children won’t be missing out on education.

Different countries are at different stages - we shouldn’t feel pressure to follow measures.

Children who are off school could spend more time with vulnerable grandparents.

NHS staff may also not have childcare - and therefore be unavailable for work.

BOO

Online learning is a viable alternative.

Ireland, Lithuania, Slovakia and Denmark have all announced the temporary closure of schools.

We don’t fully understand the role children play in spreading the virus.

While children may seem to have mild symptoms, teachers and support staff could be at risk.

14 March: Updated virus advice - symptoms. A new continuous cough and/or a high temperature. Sneezing and a runny nose are NOT symptoms. What to do:

Stay at home for seven days.

Sleep alone (if possible).

Ask friends to go to the shops (and leave things on doorstep).

You do NOT need to tell the authorities.

Do NOT call 111 (unless symptoms are getting worse or aren’t better after 7 days).

For now, people you live with don’t need to stay home, but you should stay 2 meters away from them.

16 March: New UK measures to tackle the virus include:

Avoid unnecessary social contact - that means pubs, clubs, theatres and other social venues.

Avoid non-essential travel.

‘Whole household’ 14 day isolation if anyone you live with shows symptoms.

Work from home if you can.

Starting tomorrow, emergency services will no longer support mass gatherings. Schools to stay open. This will be reviewed.

17 March: Health and Social Care Committee. Commons Committees are cross party. Made up of MPs who are passionate about health, they examine policy, spending and legislation to hold the government to account.

The Health Committee meets later to hear from a selection of experts. They want to know how prepared the UK is to deal with coronavirus - it’s called an inquiry.

They’ll examine areas such as rises in cases, preventative measures, further options and NHS plans. Jeremy Hunt (Conservative) is in the chair. They’ll hear from:

Sir Patrick Vallance, the government’s chief scientific adviser.

Sir Simon Stevens, the chief executive of NHS England.

Professor Keith Willett, Director for Acute Care at NHS England and other colleagues.

Results of inquiries are public and many require a government response.

17 March: Travel advice - advice now against ‘all but essential travel’ outside the UK for 30 days. From Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab.

17 March: Chief Scientific Adviser, Sir Patrick Vallance, has given MPs his expert opinion. He expects the number of new cases to start coming down in two to three weeks. He keeps thinking overall UK deaths under 20,000 would be a good outcome. (Although obviously a horrible one.) He thinks we need a big increase in testing. Without people going to hospital. A community based test.

17 March:

Financial measures:

Businesses to have access to government backed loans (totalling £330bn) available from next week.

Extending 12 month business rate ‘holiday’ to all businesses in retail, hospitality and leisure.

Retail, hospitality and leisure sector - for small businesses who may not have insurance - cash grants of up to £25k/business.

Mortgage lenders will offer three month mortgage holiday to those who need it.

Other announcements:

NHS will postpone all non-urgent operations from 15 April for 3 months.

Foreign Office advise no non-essential foreign travel for 30 days.

18 March: Emergency Coronavirus Bill.

‘What’s the issue?’

Changes to the law are needed to give public bodies necessary powers to respond to the crisis. The legislation lasts 2 years. The four UK governments can switch the new powers on and off when needed.

‘What will this Bill do?’

Measures are wide-ranging but include:

Recently retired NHS staff will be able to return to work without pension penalties.

Volunteers will be helped to take Emergency Volunteer Leave.

Use of video and audio links in court proceedings will increase.

Port and airport operators could be asked to temporarily close if Border Force staff shortages result in a threat to security.

Police and immigration officers will have strengthened quarantine powers - including power to detain people to protect public health.

Statutory sick pay will be paid to those self-isolating from day one.

‘What’s next?’ The Bill will be labeled in Parliament tomorrow.

18 March: Wales and Scotland confirm schools to shut on Friday.

18 March: Schools in England, Scotland and Wales will close on Friday afternoon. Schools in Northern Ireland are already closed.

18 March:

Schools update:

Schools in England to close on Friday to all but children of key workers (e.g. NHS staff, delivery drivers) and vulnerable children.

Nurseries and private schools will be asked to do the same.

Exams will not take place in May/June.

Schools in Northern Ireland will close to pupils from tonight.

Scotland and Wales had already announced closures.

Other points:

Everyone encouraged to follow previously given advice on self-isolation and social distancing.

Testing being ‘scaled up’ - moving to 25,000 a day.

19 March:

PM gave June as an optimistic time frame.

He said we can ‘turn the tide’ within the next 12 weeks - if we take the steps already outlined.

Government in negotiations to buy an antibody test - to assess whether people have had Coronavirus.

First patient has entered a clinical drugs trial.

Ask businesses to ‘stand by their workers’ - ‘as we will stand by you’.

20 March: Kids questions.

1. What does Coronavirus do? It can cause fever, a cough and difficulty breathing. Medical experts say 99% of people will make a full recovery.

2. I’ve heard about social distancing - what is it? It means making sure there’s enough space between people who are well and those who might not be well. It helps stop the disease spreading.

3. Can I help? Yes, by regularly washing your hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds. When you could or sneeze, cover your mouth and nose with a tissue (not your hand!)

4. What’s happening to stop it? Doctors around the world are working hard to find a vaccine that will protect people.

20 March: Boris Johnson ‘tells’ pubs, restaurants, clubs, theatres, cafes, etc. to close tonight and not reopen tomorrow.

20 March: The ‘Coronavirus job retention scheme’ means employers will be able to access a grant to cover 80% of retained workers salaries up to £2,500/month. VAT payments deferred until the end of June. Universal Credit standard allowance increased for 12 months by £1000. Working Tax Credit will be raised by the same amount. Self employed with zero income can access Universal Credit at rate equivalent to Statutory Sick Pay. Next self-assessment income payments also deferred until 2021. Local Housing Allowance will be changed so it covers at least 30% of market rents in a claimant’s area. Cafes, bars, nightclubs, restaurants, clubs, theatres, cinemas, gyms, leisure centres to close as of this evening. Takeouts unaffected.

21 March: Updated virus advice. In general: Stay home. All the time (except key workers who can’t bring their ‘A’ game from home). Only shop for essentials and keep distance from others. Buy only what you need (and leave stuff for others). Symptoms: A new continuous cough and/or a high temperature. What to do if you have the symptoms: Everyone in your home needs to stay home for 14 days. Sleep alone (if possible). Ask friends to go to the shops (and leave things on doorstep). Try to keep distance from others around the home. Visit 111.NHS.UK if you need help.

21 March: Government urge people to be responsible when they shop and think of others. It will be left to retailers to limit items and that the government shouldn’t be involved. There is more than enough food to go round and the food supply chain can expand. Curfew on deliveries to stores and delivery driver hours relaxed. Competition rules suspended to allow collaboration between supermarkets. Plastic bag charge suspended.

22 March: Government explicitly confirm ‘you can go for walks. You can go to the playground.’ Exercise is ‘probably the right thing to do’. Obviously don’t get into contact with other people, though.

22 March: Now taking special steps to shield the most clinically vulnerable. The NHS has identified up to 1.5 million people who will be contacted and urged to stay at home for at least 12 weeks. They have been identified as high risk. Others in the same household will not be required to stay at home - but should still follow social distancing. Care will continue. Carers can still visit - as long as they follow guidelines. Support networks will be created for those without help. Advised people to look out for neighbours. Reiterated staying 2m apart - even in outdoor spaces.

23 March: All McDonald’s restaurants in the UK will close by 7pm tonight.

23 March: If Boris Johnson falls ill with the virus, Dominic Raab (Foreign Secretary) will stand in. If Raab is also ill, another minister will step up.

23 March: The PM is ‘making a statement to the country’ at 8.30 this evening. It’s post COBRA, prime time TV, at a time when the Coronavirus Bill is in Parliament so can easily be added to, while many people are calling for the government to go further. Expect a big announcement.

23 March: The PM tells the nation ‘you must stay at home’. You may leave the home to shop for necessities. 1 form of exercise a day. A medical need. Traveling to and from work, if absolutely necessary. If you don’t follow instructions, the police will have powers to stop you.

23 March: Very clear message is “You must stay at home.” Only go out for:

Shopping for essentials

One form of exercise a day

Medical need/caring for a vulnerable person

Travelling to/from work - where this is absolutely necessary and you can’t work from home.

Do not meet up with friends or family members you don’t live with.

Closure of all shops selling non-essential goods.

Closure of libraries, outdoor gyms, places of worship.

No gatherings of more than 2 people in public, apart from those you live with.

The police will have the power to enforce rules - this includes fines and dispersing gatherings.

No social gatherings including weddings. Funerals are not included in these measures.

Measures will be reviewed in three weeks.

24 March: One clarification from last night - the government has confirmed that children whose parents live apart are allowed to travel between their houses.

24 March: Coronavirus - help for the self-employed? ‘What’s the issue?’ On Friday, the government announced it’s financial package to protect workers. It was a huge intervention, but concentrated on the 85% of people in the employment using the PAYE system. There was no wage guarantee for the self-employed. Since then, MPs on both sides of the House have raised the issue.

‘What’s the latest?’ Today, the Treasury Committee urged the Chancellor to take more action - following an ‘unprecedented response’ to their call for evidence. Help has been promised - but Rishi Sunak was keen to stress how complex it is. He said, “The issue is one of finding a way to target help… rather than having something that provides blanket cash subsidies to 5 million people.”

The message is help is coming - but nothing firmer for now.

24 March:

The government is seeking 250,000 NHS volunteers to help during the crisis, through a new volunteer scheme.

5,500 final year medical students and 1,800 final year student nurses will be going into work early.

A new NHS ‘Nightingale’ hospital is opening in the ExCel centre in London. It can hold 4,000 patients.

Hancock paid tribute to NHS staff.On overcrowded tubes, said Transport for London should run enough carriages so that people can obey 2 metre rule.

Journalists were not in the room, but submitted questions via Zoom.

25 March: Beware! Fake news - the self employed amendment. People are sharing, a lot, an amendment that would offer self-employed people up to £2,500 per month. An amendment is a change that is suggested to any new bill (new law). At specific times in the process, MPs/Members of the HoL can vote to include/refuse them. This amendment does exist. However, MPs didn’t accept the text. It was so one sided, there wasn’t even a vote. Having been through the Commons, it is in the Lords today. Supporters of the amendment will try again. They will fail. Those looking for self-employed help need to wait for the announcement this week, probably on Friday.

25 March: Parliament will finish for its Easter Break today - a return on 21 April will be under review.

25 March: In 24 hours 405,000 people have responded to the call to be NHS volunteers. Care message - stay at home, protect the NHS, save lives. Confirmed we will hear from the Chancellor tomorrow on additional help for the self-employed. An antibody test, which would test if you have already had the virus - is being evaluated - reiterated accuracy of testing is key. Rollout would be staged. In other news, the Coronavirus Bill has passed the House of Lords without amendment.

26 March: Off-licences have been added to the list of essential shops. They can now stay open for the duration of whatever this is. Other essential shops include supermarkets, pharmacies, petrol stations, laundrettes and more.

26 March: New Self Employed Income Support scheme will be worth up to £2,500 per month. This will cover 80% of wages, against average profit over the past three years.

26 March: To the self-employed - ‘You have not been forgotten.’ Launching a new self-employed income support scheme. Offering a taxable grant worth 80% of average profits over the last three years, up to a maximum of £2,500. Open to those that make the majority of their earnings from self-employment - with trading profits up to £50,000. Open for three months but it will be extended for longer if necessary. Only those with a tax return for 2019 are eligible. Anyone who missed the deadline for submission has an extra four weeks. It will be up and running by the beginning of June. Reiterated other support available, such as Universal Credit.

27 March: The Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has tested positive for the Coronavirus. He is currently experiencing minor symptoms, but Dominic Raab is set to take over if needed.

27 March: The rate of infection has been doubling every 3-4 days. Figures are a powerful reminder to act. Confirmed that the Prime Minister has tested positive for Coronavirus. PM is continuing to lead the UK’s response via video conferencing. PM has brought together businesses, universities and research institutes to boost testing capacity to the front line. Hundreds of tests to take place by the end of the weekend. Confirmed approval for two new temporary hospitals in Birmingham and Manchester. Matt Hancock, Health Secretary has also tested positive. Professor Chris Whitty, England’s chief medical officer, is self-isolating after having symptoms.

28 March: Frontline NHS staff will begin to receive tests this weekend. Critical care doctors and nurses with symptoms, or who have people at home with symptoms, will be tested. If they’re negative, they can go back to work. Loads more tests coming next week. It won’t apparently, be long until ambulance crews, paramedics and GPs also get tested. Social workers are on the list too.

28 March: Grants will be with over a million businesses as soon as possible. Administrative barriers to be removed on manufacturing and supplying of face masks and hand sanitiser. Employers - where work can’t be done from home - should follow safety guidelines. If that’s not happening, authorities should be informed. Hospitals in London are not at capacity. Capacity is being expanded. 500 beds will be available at Nightingale/Excel Centre next week.

29 March: Letter issued to the public from the Prime Minister.

29 March: All parts of the country are on an emergency footing. Merging police, fire, ambulance, NHS etc. Groups are creating coordinated local responses. National Supply Distribution, supported by the military are delivering Personal Protective Equipment to NHS Trusts and Healthcare settings. A new web-page and phone number launched to support the most vulnerable. Once registered, prescriptions and food can be delivered. After reviews in the next few weeks, over 3-6+ months, social restrictions are expected to gradually lift.

30 March: We’ve got a new thing to help us breathe. Problem? We struggled to supply enough ventilators. Also, the patient needs sedation and is almost always in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU). Solution? A new form of a machine (CPAP) is easier to produce and could keep 50-60% of CPAP using patients out of ICU. What next? The CPAP has been given the nod by the first set of regulators and is in testing. It could be in our hospitals in ten days or so. Mercedes F1 can, apparently, knock out hundreds of these a day. There are concerns that the seal around the mouth can be a little leaky. This could create an infection problem. Manufacturers say that if Personal Protective Equipment is used, the risk to carers is minimal.

30 March:

So far today…

Morrisons has committed £10m of food and other bits to foodbanks.

EasyJet have grounded their fleet for at least two months.

Dominic Cummings - the PM’s advisors - is self isolating with virus symptoms.

While we, apparently, have the capacity to test up to 10,000 people a day, yesterday we tested only 7,000.

30 March: Just under 200 prisoners are expected to be released temporarily from Northern Ireland’s jails. It’s due to staff shortages due to the crisis. They will be subject to conditions and release will be under constant review.

30 March:

Unprecedented numbers of UK residents trying to get home. Government are working with other countries to get Britons home.

They have a new arrangement worth £75 million with a list of ‘partner’ airlines - to target flights from priority countries where commercial flights are not running.

Reductions in traffic/footfall show that people are following advice.

Priority is trying to keep the number of severe cases below intensive care capacity.

Chief Scientific Adviser, Patrick Vallance said it was “premature to put an absolute time on how long this goes on for.”

31 March:

Yesterday saw the highest single daily increase in the number of deaths from COVID-19.

Government are sourcing more ventilators from a group of businesses such as Rolls Royce and Dyson. The first of 1000s of new ventilators will be produced this weekend.

Conducting rapid trials on drugs, including anti-malarials, which may be able to reduce impact.

Social contact has been reducing. There is a ‘bit of a plateau’ in the number of new UK cases.

Despite these ‘green shoots’ - warned against complacency and taking ‘our foot off the pedal.’

Home Office confirm they will extend NHS visas, free of charge, for about 2,800 NHS staff whose visas are due to expire before 1 October.

That’s it for March! I will upload updates for April (so far) soon!

All credit goes to simplepolitics on Instagram.

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dandelliongirl · 4 years

Text

What a start

to 2020

I have been working from home since the afternoon of the 16th of March and it feels like forever. I am so glad this week is Easter weekend and a 4 day vacation.

My family has been healthy and life for me hasn't changed that much other than working from home. My friend who lives across the street got a Nintendo Switch and Animal Crossing New Horizons for herself but she doesn't have Nintendo Online membership yet so we have been spending a lot of time together. Besides her and my family I have no other contacts. My friend works at the central hospital though, so it's obviously risky and probably stupid... She came to our cottage a couple of weeks ago and we had the best time going on a forest walk to collect sticks for macrame tapestries and finding photoshoot locations and spending the evening going to sauna, playing ACNH and visiting each others islands to see a meteor shower. We are planning a photoshoot for easter weekend but I think I’m going to move it to a later date. I really need time with my family and by myself after almost 3 weeks of being shut in.

I am so glad we have our cottage and I feel awful for people in one room apartments right now. Spending all my working hours and freetime within a few steps definitely affects my mental state even though I am definitely a homebody. Working from home has been going really well though since I have my own PC with two monitors and my work laptop with VPN separately. I am definitely super glad to have a stable job and the possibility to work from home through this whole covid-19 business. I really struggle coming up with local entrepreneurs to support when there are so many but I definitely feel like I have to because I am lucky enough to have a stable income.

So buying ACNH was an ordeal. My local electronics store didn't list the special edition Switch console bundle until launch day (March 20th) and the place I preordered from didn't get the shipment until 5pm. We drove about 2 hours and started off before 8 am to get the console and game from a different store only to see that it was stocked locally right after opening. Anyway I got the game and it has been an emotional journey. I hate that I got oranges and an orange airport. I'm also not very happy with my town name or my character name but despite spending months making lists and thinking about it I didn't really have better options. I also didn't want to place down the museum before I could access the other side of the river but turns out I needed to place it in order to proceed and lost one day of progress because of it. I was so upset. The map is pretty good and I eventually grew to like my island but then I got Pietro as my first camper and was forced to move him in.. I also ate 10 turnips this Sunday and was absolutely fuming because of it. The first week of listening to the same background music was also an infuriating design choice as well as the recent barrage of bunny day eggs everywhere. Anyway overall I like the game and have spent awesome times with friends playing hide and seek, doing treasure hunts and designing and decorating the place. I'm taking it easy and going my own pace even if it means avoiding spoilers (even from my boyfriend who constantly spoils something because he’s too excited to keep his mouth shut!) like the plague.

Mum and dad had the rest of their house renovated during March since the bedrooms were renovated a few years ago. Me and mum spent so much time choosing the materials and planning the new layout of the kitchen and living room but it's so beautiful now! So open and light and airy and clean!

This whole covid isolation thing has really put all of my personal goals on hold. I feel like even though externally I haven't been affected too much the whole mental side of it has taken a toll. With no hobbies me and my guy are both constantly at home and even though I love it and we have a lot of fun together I also hadn't realised how much I relied on my couple of hours of weekly alone time to work on my crafts and baking and organising the house. I feel like the first 2 weeks were spent on survival mode and then ACNH took up all remaining free time and brain capacity as a form of escapism so I'm not getting anything done and that's eating me up. Also the lack of physical activity is taking a mental toll on both me and my boyfriend since we don't have a whole lot of room and I definitely don't feel like working out when he's just haning out on the couch in front of me.. I have also had a lot of restless nights and nightmares which tells me that I'm not as unaffected as I think I am. I have definitely been avoiding the news and trying to get into some new normal routines as fast as possible. I drafted this message while in a Teams meeting where our coordinators can do their own year and resource planning and ask me tech questions when they need help. Now I’m finishing and posting this before I start the next one. I don’t want to accidentally screenshare Tumblr..

My last post was from January 19th and since then we've had a fun birthday party for my high school friend on the 22nd, a brunch at and a visit to the future wedding venue for another friend on the 23rd, an adorable photoshoot with a big teddy bear on the 29th of January, sushi with my family on the 6th of March and this whole covid situation. My colleague with whom I had a lot of issues moved away and no longer works with us. Work without her has been great and I have been thriving. I love feeling important and needed, and it gives me hope for my future since my current contract ends at the end of this year. There are 5 of us in our team looking to get a permanent contract for one of the 2 open positions so we'll have to see what happens, but I'm definitely applying anyway.

Mum is on vacation this week and went to take food to granny and grandpa's door on Monday. Today (Wednesday) I plan on leaving work early and going to the cottage, and to work remotely from there on Thursday if I have no meetings that require a more stable Internet connection. Since the kitchen renovation and a relatively warm and snowless winter we got to start our cottage season early this year. My guy is also spending Easter with his family at their cottage. It's his 27th birthday next week! We are really bad at socially distancing ourselves from our families but apart from my friend those are the only connections we have.. My spring allergies started and it's definitely hard to know if I have flu symptoms or allergies but so far I've just felt sniffly and it helps after I take my allergy meds so I think I'm safe. If either of us or any of our loved ones got flu symptoms we would definitely stay home and we are well prepared for that.

In a few months once this whole thing calms down this will feel like such a weird alternative timeline or fever dream and it will seem very unreal that a disease drove us into global and local isolation of this scale where even schools were closed. Our capital is quarantined and the police are making sure people who cross the border have a valid reason to do so.. People are placing teddy bears and other stuffed animals to their windows for children to spot on their walks outside.. Wild.

Meanwhile I'll go back to playing ACNH, dreaming of summer and finding my new norms. I hope everyone stays safe and healthy! I’m trying to get the most out of my time working from home because it means I can do embroidery and other crafts during meetings.:)

#personal #diary #April2020

0 notes

xseildnasterces · 4 years

Text

The end of 2019.

So that’s it. Here we are at the end of another year. I have so many unfinished blog posts from over the last couple of months and I hope I will get the chance to finish them soon but things are so busy at the moment and to be honest, I haven’t had the energy or motivation.

I have a lot to say about 2019, but that warrants a post of its own. For now, I just want to address my annual goals. I want to see which goals I set for myself this time last year have been achieved, which haven’t and then reflect on what goals I want to set for the coming year. 2020. Crazy. I really hope they are the roaring 2020s. I’d like some good things to happen. Perhaps to find myself and work out a lot of things causing my depression, anxiety and constant heartache.

Anyway, onto the goals of 2019 and here is exactly what I wrote this time last year:

1. LET PEOPLE GO. IF SOMEONE WALKS OUT OF MY LIFE FORGET THEM, or at least try to. E triggered this. I have tried so hard since she left but this year was a huge turning point for me. She had a baby, I had no idea, I tried to meet up on several occasions. I sent a card at Christmas and nothing. Not one thing, not one word, no thank you. Just nothing. I am over being pushed aside and walked over. I will not make contact with anyone this year if they do not also make an effort with me. People who are meant to be in your life will stay, and those who aren’t will disappear and were clearly a lesson or something else, but not everyone is meant to be in your life forever and I think that is something I need to learn to accept this year.

Did I accept this and forget people? Yes and no. I haven’t made any effort with E this year at all. She messaged me on my birthday which was actually a shock but then nothing. Am I over it? No, not fully. I miss her, I still have no idea what happened and when I see photos or she crosses my mind I feel sad that we are where we are. In terms of E, I think I have managed to accept it though. In terms of other people, oh hell no. I am trying my very best to accept it, but I just cannot. I cannot come to terms with the fact someone I want in my life might not meant to be. So no, I cannot accept this for everyone that walked out of my life in 2019 because there is one person who I don’t think I will ever be able to accept this about - and there is zero chance of ever moving on and forgetting them.

2. READ ONE BOOK A MONTH. Here I am again attempting to do the 12 books a year challenge. One per month for a whole year. I always start off well and start to dwindle and then fail when things get busy, but this year I want to do it once and for all. Third time lucky after all.

Complete fail. The exact same thing happened again. I started off amazingly, and then life got in the way and it came to a standstill. I have a book currently half-read sitting on a shelf and I’ve pretty much forgotten the first half of the book. This will certainly be my challenge again next year. I need to complete it. It has got to be done.

3. GET A NEW JOB (PREFERABLY IN AN INTERNATIONAL ORGANISATION). This year my contract will inevitably end at the European Central Bank. It could be over at the end of February when my current contract ends, it could be over a few months later if I am lucky enough to be extended, or it could end in September – but whatever happens it will end this year. So, I hope that I manage to get another job for my current one ending. I know it won’t be an easy task but I will do my very best to get somewhere else I want to be.

Success! I got two job offers for two incredibly big international organisations. I accepted one and moved to Washington DC. Career-wise things went pretty well in 2019 and I am pretty proud of myself. I also got two other interviews, both for other international organisations which I didn’t go to because I’d already accepted my current job.

4. SLEEP EARLIER. Basically, get to bed earlier. When I first moved to Frankfurt I was getting into bed at around 10pm every single night. I slept better, I felt better and all around it was just better for my productivity and my body. I don’t want to set the goal of being in bed at 10pm every night because I know there is little chance of that happening. But for now, if I can be in bed before 11pm I’ll be pretty happy with myself.

Complete fail. I do try to be in bed at around 10 but I’m usually still awake during the earlier hours. So yes, I get into bed, but I don’t sleep. So not a success.

5. ORGANISE MY FINANCES. Before I moved abroad my finances were in excellent shape. I knew where everything was. Everything was saved in separate accounts for different things and they were all-round healthy and I knew what everything was for and where it was. Now, however, since moving abroad and being paid in another currency – it’s all over the place and I really want to make 2019 the year I get all of this sorted. I want the right savings in the right accounts and I want to know its safe, and correctly organised.

Nope. Another fail. It never happened. I had too much to do and started getting paid in yet another currency. My money is all over the place and needs sorting. Perhaps another goal for 2020.

6. USE MY PHONE LESS. I want to try and stop being tied to my phone all the time. I want to stop using my phone when I’m with other people, try to be more in the moment and enjoy the situation or surroundings that I am in and enjoy the company I hold rather than constantly scrolling and texting away. It’s rude and I hate it when other people do it, so I need to stop, or at least try anyway.

Achieved. Not completely through choice, but achieved non the less.

7. GET OUTDOORS MORE. I love being outside. I love hiking and I love nature and I want to make much more effort to get outside and walk and spend time in nature. I want to take photos of my adventures and I want to see new places and things. I want to stop spending all my time cooped up inside and actually spend my time doing something worth doing.

Yes. I’d say have achieved this. I spent a lot of time outside in 2019, from travelling to new places, spending time with friends, going on walks and reading outside. I had amazing weather in Frankfurt during the summer, spent almost a week in DC whilst attending my interview and spent every single day outside and also spent a lot of Autumn out in DC with H, F and M.

8. TACKLE MY ANXIETY. I have struggled with anxiety for probably longer than I realise. I think its always been there, from the smallest things when I was little when my dad would try and send me into the shop on my own and I would panic and not want to do it, to the big things like when I’ve had a panic attack from being in my old hometown city centre to heart palpitations for blood tests and other stressful situations. I don’t think I ever recognised it before I started having to take medication for depression but now I no longer take medication for this I have realised more and more just how bad my anxiety is, so one of my aims for this year is to try and combat or at least control it in some way or another.

I’m currently still tackling my anxiety. I don’t know if I will ever have fully tackled it, but I worked hard this year. I started taking medication, I saw a therapist once a week and I feel like talking about a lot of things, although somewhat uncomfortable for the most part... helped. Currently, my anxiety and panic attacks are better than they have been for a very long time. I haven’t yet got myself a therapist in DC but this is something I really need to do soon because otherwise, all the hard work of last year will come undone.

Usually, I always write 10 goals, but for some reason, I only have 8 for 2019. Here is to making goals for 2020 and hoping that I have more success than I appear to have done this year.

#goals #2019 #end of the year #reflection #thought #feeling #feelings #thoughts #journal #me #diary #personal #lifestyle blog #new #new year

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singularlymum · 5 years

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In the last relationship I was in before my little bundle of joy arrived I was told he wasn’t sure I could cope with motherhood. He said I wouldn’t be able to handle the changes in my body and that I wasn’t mentally equipped to deal with everything that came alongside a baby. Needless to say this relationship came to an end but those words stuck with me.

In the months leading up to my pregnancy discovery, I did indeed struggle with my weight. I was dieting like crazy and exercising every spare minute I had, yet was still piling on the pounds. In between throwing up I was stressing about what was going on with my body. What feels like a million doctors appointments later, I finally give up and decide to go private. A good friend offered to run my bloods and urine tests for me and organised an ultrasound at a local hospital. It was at this point I learned I was 21 weeks pregnant. I couldn’t believe it, I had the implant in my arm, the most effective method of contraceptive on the market. However, there on the screen, was my perfect little girl, and yes, at 21 weeks you can find put straight away the sex of your baby!

Of course I went into panic mode! I was more than half way through my pregnancy. I wasn’t prepared for this at all. I hadn’t made any of the lifestyle adjustments recommended or taken supplements or made any plans. I had to act, but first, I had to tell my Mum. The drive to Glasgow was the most nerve racking of my life. I knew this wasn’t what she wanted for me, that she had hopes and dreams that I would never fulfil. I also knew that I would have her eternal love and support.

The shock on her face will stay with me forever but she said all the right things and eventually sent me on my way. I called my sister from the car to tell her my news, she was over the moon. Her response was that she could have a flower girl at her wedding. There was no negativity, no stress, just pure joy. By the time I arrived in Edinburgh she had sent me pictures of flower girl dresses. After Kirsty, I called my best friend. I picked Louise up from work with my scan photo on the front seat. She was speechless, but she was excited. She knows me better than anyone on this earth, and she knows that being a mum is all I’ve ever wanted in life. She understood my baby girl was a dream come true. She had questions, everyone I told did, but she’s listened without judgement, and supported every decision I made.

I received an email from my mum at 5am that night, the first and very real reminder that the journey I was about to embark on was a journey for life. The sleepless nights worrying about your baby don’t end when they start sleeping through. 28 years later when they turn up alone and pregnant you’re still up just as late. She offered me her support in changing my situation. She laid out all my options in black and white and begged me to think them through, to make sure I was certain I was doing the right thing. I appreciated her concern, but there was no doubt in my mind. I loved my baby girl, I wanted her. She wasn’t an accident, not a mistake, not an inconvenience or a burden, not a problem or a nuisance. She was a miracle. My miracle. Was I afraid, yes. Did I know I was probably going to have to do this on my own? Absolutely! Was I any less determined to become the absolute best version of myself to ensure my girl had the best life, no. Without a shadow of a doubt I knew what I needed to do now.

I spent the weekend online, reading about pregnancy, birth, parenthood. I didn’t know what to expect but I knew I needed to be ready. I’ve always loved reading so that’s what I did. I read every book, blog, magazine and article I could get my hands on. I armed myself with knowledge. I asked questions, I picked the brains of every parent I knew. Knowledge is power. By the Monday I already felt better. I could do this. I told my work, all 4 employers were thrilled for me. I started to browse on line. I started to plan. Hanging over my head was the cloud I knew I needed to blow away. I needed to tell her dad. I tried to call but got no answer. I understood, I wouldn’t have taken his call either at that stage. A long time had passed since we were together. Four hours and a lot of redrafts later I had composed a message explaining as well as I possibly could my crazy situation. I felt sick as I finally hit send. The beauty of modern technology is messages come with a read receipt. I knew the moment he saw it, and I watched as he went offline without replying. For days I checked the chat every time I picked my phone up, and every time I saw he was online, my heart beat harder in my chest. A week later, after no response, I tried again. De ja vu ensued. I decided to leave it in his court. Forever the optimist I was sure he would get back to me when he was ready.

Fast forward 3 months, I start having checks every other day with the obstetrician. My heart rate is too high, my blood pressure has as sky rocketed and they’re worried about preeclampsia. I’m put on bed rest. Something that is not easy for someone who lives life at 100 miles an hour. My flat is on the market, I’ve decided I’m moving back west so my baby girl can be around family and grow up without that east coast twang.

On the 6th February I’m supposed to be coaching. Our display team has trials and I should be there, but I can’t face it. I’m so tired all I want to do is sleep. I decide to go for a bath to try and relax. My tummy feels funny. I watch as it tightens and relaxes, rippling with spasms. I start to Google’s what contractions feel like. Is this it? It can’t be, it’s too soon, my baby girl isn’t ready. An hour later I no longer have doubts. I messaged my family’s group chat, my mum and sister are on their way. Louise is on standby. I recheck my hospital bag despite having packed and repacked it a million times already. All I can do now is wait. By midnight my contractions are coming fast and strong. Kirsty calls triage and they recommend I come in. This is it I think. We bundle into the car and set off.

I’m hooked up to monitors and machines, the contractions are still coming. I won’t take you through the whole sordid ordeal, but think trainee midwife and an overhot birthing pool, sepsis, IVs, only 3cm dilation and no pain meds. 26 hours later, at a midwives change of shift, Suzanna became my hero. She read my file, she saw what I wanted and she had a very frank discussion with me. My worst nightmare was an emergency section where I missed my baby enter this world. Suzanna told me I needed to ask for an epidural. I told her I was ok, that I could keep going. She shook her head, and repeated I needed to ask for an epidural. I finally understood. She couldn’t tell me I was going to have a section, that wasn’t her job. I asked, I was moved to the labour ward, two hours later the anethetist appears. Within 15 minutes the obstetrician is telling me my girls distressed and she needs to come out. Suzanna was right. She knew. She was with me the whole time. She held my hand while the surgeon explained what they were going to do. She talked me through the whole operation, and then when I felt like I couldn’t breathe with anticipation, I heard it, a cry. Suzanna told me my baby girl was here, but she was still distressed. They took her to a table next to me and attached her to monitors. I caught a glimpse of my baby before I threw up. I needed to hold her, to kiss her and tell her I loved her and that she was going to be ok. Suzanna stayed with me. She told me what they were doing. That my baby girl was strong, that she was fighting and then finally, after what felt like forever, they brought her to me. My beautiful baby girl with a curl in the middle of her forehead. She looked up at me, with eyes I saw every day when i looked in the mirror. My little mini me, staring up at me before curling into my chest and falling asleep. My heart felt like it was going to burst. No feeling on earth could compare and words cannot explain the emotions. I was still hooked up to machines, with cannulas in both wrists and both elbows. Holding her in my arms felt like they were going to rip open. I didn’t care. I finally held her in my arms. The surgeons finished stitching me up, and I was able to sit up. My baby girl cuddled naked onto my chest. Her warm sticky heat the most comforting feeling I’ve ever felt.

We were wheeled into recovery and then we were left. Just me and my girl. I whispered to her that I love her, that I would protect her and that I would do everything in my power to make her proud. My mum and Kirsty came through to see us and I was able to introduce them to my beautiful baby. Lyla Kay Stevenson joined this world on the 8th February 2019 at 4.18am, and at that moment my whole world changed

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thesickpanda · 5 years

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2018 All But Finished Me

I haven't been able to write in this blog for several months because I have been too ill, too sore, too busy or too depressed. I have been besieged by Myofascial Pain Syndrome and the unending neck spasms it has given me for months and months.

I'm now using the latest version of Dragon NaturallySpeaking which cost a pretty penny and doesn't feel a great deal more accurate than the one I bought in 2007. But it's the only way I can get my voice out there, even if it does mean I'm going to have to edit all the mistakes it makes until I want to scream.

2018 was a horrible year. I'm grateful for the lessons I learned, for some of the connections I made and for my good friends who truly love me. I'm grateful for a few other things, like my partner finally getting a job close to home, making his caring role easier. I'm grateful that we were able to live in our rented house undisturbed by landlords booting us out with only one month’s notice. And I'm grateful to have finally acquired medicinal cannabis, with which I have had a complicated relationship but which ultimately has improved my sleep and to a lesser extent my back pain. Those are the things I am grateful for.

But I'm also absolutely exhausted. It's 2019 now and I just can't. I feel myself looking up at a tidal wave of oncoming depression because I pushed myself way too hard, endured far too much abuse, suffered way too many setbacks and lost too much mobility in 2018. And I haven't had any time to recover from that. The year just rolled onto the next one and I am still hitting the ground running on empty and part of me just wants to give up. I laugh at this notion, because I don't even know what giving up looks like. I can't lie in bed all day feeling low because it is literally too excruciating to stay static for that long. No matter how depressed I get, the pain always drives me out of bed. Nor can I sit on the couch and stare into space/watch TV for the same reasons. But I also can't run, or go for long walks, because of mobility issues. I don’t want to do anything, but not doing anything causes me pain and doing stuff causes me pain and sometimes I can't figure out which one is gonna hurt worse and I simply want to spontaneously combust and evaporate into the ether.

Anyway. This is going to be a healing exercise, where I take stock of what 2018 did to me, so that I can properly survey the damage done. Only then can I really acknowledge what happened to me and start to make plans on how to self-repair. By doing this analysis I will also have a better idea of what not to do this year. I already have a few ideas, but I think I'll be able to further develop this with myself and my psychologist if I just get it all off my chest and spell it out.

2018: A Chronicle

January: Recovering from foot surgery. It's summer and I can't go for my bushwalks to look for my spiders and birds (a passion of mine) because my foot is still too sore. I also am dealing with the fallout of a feud I had with both my sister and mother over inheritance (the money my beloved father left when he died in 2011). I basically say I don’t want any, because it’s not worth the stress, and this ends the standoff. It’s a disgustingly stressful period in my life. I have been given little instruction on how to heal from neuroma surgery and so I use the Internet to get tips. I can only walk a few minutes and I slowly have to pace up for the next few months. In the meantime, I have a stressful meeting with my new committee in which a plan for a fundraiser I really don't want to do (based on how stressful it was last year) is voted in and I'm left with a daunting task I'm not sure I can tackle. At the end of January I contract athlete's foot which will haunt me for a further seven months because my immune system is so shot.

February: This is the month I decide to come off Lyrica, a useless drug I have been stuck on for many years due to its severe withdrawal effects. I consult with my GP (my first mistake) on how to come off this drug. She tells me to knock off 25 mg every week or two. I'd like to make a PSA that this is way, way, way too fast for someone who has been on this drug for eight years. During the month of February I start to have hallucinations, panic attacks, derealisation, and what can only be described as very sudden and intense impulses to self-harm and/or die. I physically beat myself up and end up calling the suicide hotline for the first time in my life. It takes me until the end of February to realise withdrawing from the drug is doing this. I stabilise my dose and two weeks later the depression has gone. But I'm shaken to my core by what this drug has done to me. I am too afraid to come off it. In the middle of all that I'm trying to keep going with my rehabilitation, my volunteer work, commitments to family and friends. Nobody knows but my partner and my Dr, who insists Lyrica doesn't have these withdrawal effects. On top of all this, one of our young rats dies of a heart attack. Despite taking her to the vet, she died an hour later in my partner's arms.

March: March is women's history month and also has International women's Day and Mardi Gras. So, for a feminist activist it's a very busy month. I've always associated March with intense stress but also moments of joy. As usual, I do far too much. I go to too many events, too many festivals, set back my own healing and push too hard. I oscillate from intense self-care to reckless over commitment. I do all the exercises the physiotherapist has given me and I am rigid with my exercise plan. But I also go out and push beyond my limits and suffer the consequences. I also learn the hard way that I can't trust my partner's family to understand my needs when I am at family events. I get gaslit, left to suffer in a corner and am judged. That month I also host a friend from another city. Thankfully, this friend is one of the only other people I know who understands my illness and knows how to be there for me.

April: I host a friend from the UK. While it was lovely to see her, I find hosting exhausting. She is a good friend but she is not well herself and I worry about her, despite my best efforts not to. This month my partner loses his job suddenly, just three days before my mother arrives from the UK. The same day she arrives, there is a small accident that smashes the side mirror of my partner's car. Long story short, this leads to a mechanic telling my partner that there is a whole host of things wrong with his car and so begins a nightmare 8 weeks in which it keeps breaking down, costing us thousands to repair. We are under tremendous financial stress and my partner is jobhunting at the same time. On top of all this, my mother, who has a severe mental illness, becomes completely and utterly unbearable. She is with us for 4 weeks, in which time I have three complete nervous breakdowns. I self-harm. All of the abuses and traumas from my childhood are relived and I feel like a decade of therapy is undone in the space of a few weeks.

May: Due to limping after the surgery on my left foot, I have overstrained the knee cap on my “good leg” and now have a wandering patella grinding against my bone. My mother is with me from mid-April to mid-May. To try to keep the peace, I try to go out to other places with her and keep her distracted. This means I push my knee way too hard and it gets worse and worse. I need a cane for the first time in my life. Every step is agony but I soldier through because I know that being stuck in the four walls with my mother will do more harm to my mental health than excessive walking could possibly do to my knee. (As usual, I have to choose between the two). There is a chance my family will come across this blog, so I will not go into details as to why my mother was an absolute nightmare and a terror, nor will I extrapolate on how angry I am at her for the shitty childhood she put me through and her insatiable desire to extend that shitty experience well into my adult years. Needless to say, it was one of the worst periods of my life. The day my mother leaves to go back to the UK, my other little rat takes ill and I have to rush to the emergency animal Hospital. She is dead five days later. A week later, I have an unpleasant experience at another of my partner's family events, which prompts me to write an honest, heartfelt (and kind) letter to his sister explaining my chronic illness and why I can't do the things she expects me to do. I receive a truly awful response which I documented in a previous blog post. Everything you're not supposed to say to a person with chronic illness, this person said to me, and some. I'm heartbroken because I thought I could trust her. It takes nearly a month before the penny drops that she hurt me and I receive something of an apology, but not an understanding. I'm well and truly over family, blood related or not, by this point.

June: Winter is always hard my body. My aches and pains get worse. There is a drought, which exacerbates my anxiety over climate change and makes the nights that much more frigid. This is also the month of that dreaded fundraiser I didn't want to do. For the past few months I have been chasing people to do their jobs so that this thing would come together. When it finally does, it doesn't make enough money to sustain the organisation sufficiently (a prediction I made in f-ing January). The person who put it together leaves the country for a job overseas and I am left to clean up the aftermath. I don't want to say mean things about this friend, only that it was a hassle to get her to do an event she insisted on doing at the start of the year. One thing I took away from this stressful experience is that I need to be firm about what I will and won’t commit to, no matter how disappointing that is to some people. I also host yet another friend in this month, who is sick with a cold, putting me on high alert all the time because I have a compromised immune system. He's here to help with the fundraiser, which I appreciate, but I really wish he had let me know he was sick before he arrived. It's an arduous month, fraught with anxiety as I deal with the fallout of my relationship with my partner's sister. I don't feel like I can trust anybody anymore, except my online friends. The only good news I get this month is that I get approved for medical cannabis, which will cost $1000. The day after my birthday, one of our rats unexpectedly dies of pneumonia (at the time I am hosting yet another friend…!). We've had this rescue rat only a few months and it took seven weeks out of the 10 that we had her to get her to get along with our other rat, Kara. Just as they had become friends, she took ill and died very suddenly. We feel so defeated. This is the fourth rat to die this year for reasons well beyond our control.

July: This is a month of medical appointments, both for myself and for my animals. We spend thousands on vet bills alone due to having so many sick rats. The cannabis costs an absolute fortune in this country to acquire through legal means and we spend most of our medical budget for the year on a few small bottles. I keep going back to the physiotherapist, hoping that my knee will recover, but it is very slow going. The cold weather is hard on my body and I have many bad days.

August: My knee is really bad now. The reduced cardio has had a terrible effect on my back pain. I haven't been able to hike or walk much for well over a year. I need to wear a brace every time I go anywhere. I have to pace up all over again. The knee is persistently painful. On top of all this, my Myofascial Pain Syndrome flares up. (I blame the amount of stress and all the nervous breakdowns I had over the winter). My neck is constantly going into spasm on one side or the other. We spend a small fortune on massage therapy. I can barely turn my head most days and typing is excruciating. At the same time, I'm practicing titration with my medical cannabis. For reasons I'll go into more detail on in a later blog entry, it is a difficult process, one that I am still going through even now. I'm also planning an event for September. As usual, 90% of the work falls to me as volunteers repeatedly let me down. I'm picking up the slack, work I can barely do, whilst still in a state of shock from the last few months. At the time I have the most work to do, my muscles put me through sheer Hell. Nothing I try seems to relieve the neck spasms. I get news that a loved aunt has finally died of cancer. The news is delivered by my mother, who uses it as an opportunity to attack me, my diet, my lifestyle and insist I too will soon die. This is the last straw. I stop talking to my mom on a weekly basis and drastically reduce contact. I will only call her on special occasions henceforth, and while she reels against this decision, I hold firm. I am DONE with her shit. Even though this sounds like it was easy to do, it wasn’t; it still hurt profoundly. I needed therapy to get me to this point (which cost $1000 all up). I stopped therapy right after I reduced contact, because I could no longer afford it. (As a side note, this is the 4th therapist to literally beg me to sever ties with my family, based on how sick they make me. I finally (sort of) listened.)

September: I'm stood up multiple times this month by volunteers who expressed interest in joining the organisation and then don't turn up for their interviews. I continue to do the research and work for this event, minus my events manager who left the country. I host the event, never betraying just how ill organising it made me (ironic considering the event was all about chronic illness and medical sexism) and then I take a few days off to go to a country town my partner and I are fond of to attend a festival. We make the terrible mistake of trusting his sister to come in and feed our rats. Surprise surprise: she doesn't. We end up cutting our holiday short, and both my partner and I have complete nervous breakdowns. ALL OF IT just overwhelms us. We ended up pulled over on the side of a dirt road, my partner screaming and kicking rocks, while inside the car I beat my head so hard I bleed, give myself a mild concussion and damage my ear drum (not permanently, thank God). We drive home in silence, broken in more ways than one. Our rats are starving and afraid when get home and by this point all affection and respect I have for his sister is well and truly gone. I don't actively hate her, I just don't want to have anything more to do with her. I know that she was going through some difficulty at that time, but she never once let us know that she was unable to feed them until the last day of our trip. What stung most was over the course of the past 8 years, I poured love and energy into her, was her shoulder to cry on when she was having completely ridiculous “crises” (one being that she had too much stuff, poor little millionaire). I went to every one of her birthdays (she only ever came to one of mine) every one of her special events (she only ever attended one of our 40 events in 8 years and showed NO interest in our feminist work except when she needed our help dealing with a sexist boss; we spent countless hours assisting her with that and offering our expertise). I was there for her in every way she needed me to be there for her and the ONE time I ask a favour of her, she lets me down spectacularly. To say that my trust in people is fractured by this stage is an understatement. I also accidentally get high off my medication, which creates paranoia and panic in me. Because all my experiences of losing control to mind altering drugs (anti-depressants and Lyrica) have been wholly negative, I don't react well to the sensation of being off my head on any substance, even one as safe as cannabis. It is not a gentle high either, as I hallucinate and trip for hours. I get high 2 weeks later, again by accident and to my complete surprise, and forget to take my Lyrica. I go into withdrawal overnight and feel incredibly sick and delusional by morning. When I realise what has happened, I take my Lyrica, but for several days afterwards I keep having attacks of derealisation and time loss. This is not the cannabis. I'm well aware of the difference between Lyrica’s withdrawal effects and cannabis’s stoning effects. But I just don't want to feel drugged in any sense anymore. It is really difficult and frightening for me to continue to take my cannabis medication and I have to drop the dose significantly in order to feel safe doing so. The smaller the dose, the less effective it is at keeping me asleep. It’s a cause of constant consternation for me.

October: My partner loses his job again. The first time he lost his job it was because the factory was suffering commercially and could no longer keep him. The second time was because there was a takeover by an American corporation and they fired all of the Australian staff so that they can employ migrant staff for half the price (a practice that is unfair to migrant and citizen both). Thankfully, my partner is now like a rat on the Titanic: he knows before anybody else does that the ship is sinking. He has been applying for other jobs up until this point and manages to get one just in time. This month, my partner finally starts seeing a psychologist to tackle his depression and addiction. I feel like all year I've been nursing him, nursing friends, being there for family, be there for extended family, and I'm utterly depleted. Thankfully, there is an overlap of about a month (paid) between my partner’s old job and his new job. We are able to take time to work on ourselves and get many things done that we've needed to do for a long time. Despite having let us down, we house sit for his sister and look after her dog while she is away. But that's the last favour I intend on doing for her. My knee is still bad, and I'm still going to physio, and it is taking an eon to get better. The physio says that the constant neck spasms are inflaming my central nervous system which is making me much more sensitive to the pain in my knee which in turn worsens my reaction to pain in the rest of my body. Fibromyalgia and Myofascial Pain Syndrome, plus the acute issue of my knee, have all conspired to put me in a state of constant, unending, often terrible pain. I have to take multiple computer breaks, which are beyond frustrating. At the end of the month, I start hurting in my left foot, in the same region of the neuroma. I'm horrified. Exactly a year after my surgery, I’m getting pain in the same area in the same foot. I have an ultrasound and it’s discovered that I have severe bursitis in four of my toes.

November: Walking becomes extremely difficult. It is like standing on a rusty nail in my left foot which makes me limp on my right leg, which exacerbates my knee problem. I can't walk more than five minutes without being in unbearable pain. Every plan I make has to take in account how much walking I’ll be required to do at any given time, because I just can't walk that far anymore. I'm unhelpfully told by my GP to continue as normal and that it will clear up. I know my body much better than she ever will, and I know that that's not how it's going to work for me. Despite this, I have perhaps the happiest week of the year when I go down to Melbourne to be with my friends. I eat something I shouldn't and have a hard night of extremely painful Irritable Bowel Syndrome, but discover peppermint oil which really helps the pain. Despite this episode, I still feel better in the company of my friends and away from my house of horrors back in Sydney. When we return home, my partner starts his new job, ending the period of time that we could just be together and he could look after me and himself. A few days later, we have to put one of our old rats to sleep as she has advanced cancer and is in a lot of pain. I am heartbroken. We resolve not to get any more rats now, meaning I have to give lots of extra time to our lone rat, Cara, who has managed to outlive so many cage mates thus far. At the end of the month my sister arrives for a three-week visit from the UK.

December: While hosting her is not as bad as hosting my mother, it is still tremendously stressful for complex reasons I don't care to explain on this public blog. Needless to say, my walls are up, and it takes every ounce of strength within me not to react to the many things she does and says that provoke, frustrate and upset me. I simply don’t have the energy for conflict, for deep conversations about our relationship, for her defensive nature or her propensity to fly off the handle when criticised for even the smallest thing. I just don’t react. I just swallow it all down like vomit. During this time it is our AGM for the nonprofit and no one other than the committee and one other person turns up. After all the work I put into it this year, and considering how many volunteers we had on the database at this point, the most ever, no one turning up feels like a slap in the face. The apathy in Sydney is quite something to behold and is not unique to our non-profit. Still, it is bitterly disappointing. We do a lot of travelling in this time, which greatly exacerbates the bursitis. Even though I use my cane and take regular breaks, I'm soon ingesting loads of Nurofen to try to keep the swelling down. The pain is at times excruciating but I don't show it. Just like with my mom, I feel compelled to go out places with my sister. We get along much better when we are doing activities. When we are confined to the four walls of my house, everything is worse. So, once again, I push my body beyond its limits in order to try to save my mental health. My sister leaves 10 days before Christmas. I dread Christmas. I don't want to have to phone my family nor deal with my partner’s. I've had enough of them this year. I'm reeling from all the pain and misery they put me through, and feel drained from all the crap that I had to deal with this year. I am tired. Somehow, I get through Christmas (plagued with anxiety, of course) and then a friend from another city comes to stay with us from Boxing Day til New Year’s Day. I am so done hosting at this point. It's not like he was a bad guest or anything; compared to my family, my friends are delightful. It's just that I was so damn tired. If I were to reveal just how much pain and misery I was experiencing at that point, I would have really worried or put off this friend. So for his benefit I swallow it down to some extent. We are in a terrible heat wave and both of us feel pretty bad. He has a thyroid problem and Fibromyalgia doesn't do well with temperature extremes. It feels like I claw my way to January 1st. He leaves, and my partner goes back to work. And so it begins again.

The Present:

The first few weeks of January have proven to be busy, extremely painful, stressful and anxiety inducing. I have had another bad experience of feeling high on my medicine when I really just don't want to right now. I know that people enjoy getting stoned, but I really feel like my entire world has been out of my control, my health has been out of my control, my mental state has been out of my control, that I just don't want to lose my perception of reality too. I ended up dropping my dose again because I just don't want to have to deal with getting up in the night to pee and feeling stoned, responding with panic attacks and lying awake for an hour wrestling with those feelings of terror and confusion. But I know that I would not be reacting this badly if it weren’t for the terrible experience of the Lyrica (and Cymbalta before that) and everything else that happened in 2018. It's a challenge I know that I could overcome if I weren’t feeling so God damn weak. I know that I can use my skill in reframing things, my practice of self-care, my determination and willpower to get through this, but I just don't have any of that right now. I spent it all on surviving 2018.

I feel so completely and utterly drained. Last night I broke down and sobbed to my partner that I just don't have any spoons left. I feel like last year sucked 10 years of life out of me. I feel depressed and my dreams are laden with images of my family threatening me, abusing me, of telling me that my feelings are the problem, not their behaviour (a line I've heard from them my entire life). I am starting to dream of killing myself. It's a warning sign. This morning, after having a long dream about trying and repeatedly failing to commit suicide, I felt so depressed and so depleted that I was scared. I was scared that that depression that has been stalking me all year is going to get me now. I have managed to keep myself afloat because my partner, who was suffering depression up until late last year, needed me. My family were there and I needed to try get through that. My not-for-profit was falling apart so I had to try and deal with that. Heck, I didn't even go into detail about how many dramas were happening in our social media and how many volunteers who used to be friends backstabbed me and hurt me during the year. I mean, I've written long blog entries about the blood sport that is political activism and the vicious and nasty things people do and say to you in that space. And that crap happened this year, make no mistake. But it goes to show just how horrible 2018 was that I could barely find energy or time to make a mention of it, even in this blog post. It's already too long and I am just too tired to go into detail. Needless to say, in almost every space in my life, I was betrayed and hurt. The only people who I felt I could trust were my fellow spoonies online. I have good friends I have known since childhood who live in North America and the UK whom I speak with over Skype. If I didn't have these people, I wouldn't have any shred of sanity anymore. It is only thanks to these friends that I managed to pull myself through this year. I'm glad to report that my partner is over his depression and is working really hard to try to pick me up right now. He's apologised profusely for leaving me in the lurch during his 2 year Dysthymia, but I don't blame him. Depression is its own disability and he did really well to keep things going through what was a very challenging year for him too. Thing is, we couldn’t both be crumbling pillars, so we just kept going. But I am a bit nervous right now. I feel like I'm not a crumbling pillar so much as my foundation has just disappeared.

To make matters worse, when I tried to seek out help from the government this month for some financial support, I was rebuffed (again) for not being disabled enough. My doctor lectured me about how I couldn't get a concession card for my carer, because I wasn't a paraplegic and my disability didn't count. She told me my illness wasn't real, it's just a diagnosis of exclusion, and that while she “was sad” that she can’t (read: won’t) fill out the necessary paperwork, those are the rules and I just have to deal with it. To sit there being lectured by a doctor who knows nothing about my illness, who’s spouting off information 25 years out of date, telling me a week after I was using a wheelchair to get around a museum, that because I'm not in a wheelchair I don't count, was f-ing infuriating and made me want to puke with hatred and rage. I have been gaslit and bullied and neglected and abused and disbelieved by almost everybody this year, including the medical profession. It's why I dedicated eight months of my life last year to putting together an event on medical sexism (which so few people even came to in the end). This is why I researched, wrote and delivered a speech about why this is an urgent problem and that people with chronic illnesses are dying by their own hand because they can't cope with this kind of invalidation on a daily God damn basis, not to mention all the symptoms of said illness.

I look at the fight ahead of me. Already this year I've had to deal with the bureaucratic nightmare that is getting citizenship for this country. I'm doing this because I need to ensure my future. I don't get full benefits and rights unless I am a citizen and now I'm finally eligible I'm finding that I have to go through so many goddamn hoops to get the paperwork through.

Booking any activities or events is now a question of, can we afford this without any concessions? (Spoiler alert: most of the time we can’t) and can my body take the pain? (Spoiler alert, most of the time it can’t). All my partner's wages go into rent and medical costs, and he does all the unpaid work of caring for a sick person, with NO help whatsoever from the government; not even a carer’s card, apparently, so we can afford to see a movie once in a bloody while.

We have spent tens of thousands of dollars on specialists, therapists, medicines, surgery, mobility aids, special software, petrol and tolls, dietary needs and more. All of our disposable income goes into the sucking black hole that is my chronic illness.

When looking ahead at 2019 all I see are more battles to fight. I foresee more dramas involving both my family and my partner’s, bureaucratic headaches trying to get citizenship, and an ongoing struggle to get a pittance of government support. All I see is a year of difficulty, of being let down, of pain and worsening conditions. My bursitis, which I was told would clear up in a month, is still afflicting me. I'm feeling weak and less able than I have felt my whole life.

My prevailing feeling for 2019 is simply this: I don't wanna. I just don't. I just can't.

So yeah: 2018 all but killed me. And 2019 inspires little hope in me that it will be any different.

#fibromyalgia #chronic pain #chronic illness #spoonie #myofascial pain syndrome #invalidation #gaslighting

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