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kashimos-hajime · 4 years

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dear... whoever | b.b.

summary: a mandated series of long and short diary entries from the new head of R&D for Stark Industries.

WARNINGS: swearing, LOTS of fluff, mentions of drinking and sex and hospitals and guns, general fun and witty attitude, small angst, big jealousy, obviously au after civil war. everything after does not exist. pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader word count: 9.5k

a/n: written for @softbiker and 100% inspired by @sunmoonandbucky with the format. my prompt was let me love you by rita ora and i wrote it from the perspective the singer is singing it to rather than the actual singer. this was super fun to write. enjoy!

July 31/20

Dear…

Whoever is going to read this. So… me, in the future probably. So, it should be dear WHOMever, I think, but it sounds wrong.

Is it too cliché to say dear diary? I don’t know. After all, I don’t WANT to be writing this but unfortunately I am because it’s mandated. Apparently, the psychiatrist that works for Stark Industries thinks it’s necessary that I write down my feelings and show that I’ve adjusted to working part-time superhero, full-time head of Tony’s stupid R&D department.

Something about how that much stress can cause psychotic fractures in the worst case scenario.

Cute.

Anyway, I don’t know what to write. Currently, it’s 4:23AM. The only reason I’m awake is because I have trouble sleeping on the best night. I heard Barnes messing about and because I am the Hermit of the Rec Room Couch (catchy, I know), I can hear him just walking about.

What the hell is he even doing?

To be honest, I’ve never talked to Barnes besides the occasional greetings because he’s the sort to keep to himself, I guess, and, valid. I’m not saying it’s not, considering his history, but you know.

I think I’m a friendly person, and I’m bored. He’s eventually going to hear me writing noisily because of super-soldier hearing or whatever, so I might just get up and introduce myself.

Not that I’ve been working here for years, but whatever.

I’m really bored and hungry, honestly, so a trip to the kitchen would be considered normal (and warranted) in such circumstances.

Fuck it.

Time to make a new friend or die trying. If you never hear from me again, you’ll know why.

Aug. 1/20

Dear Jane,

I finally got the time to write in here and you may be wondering why I have named you. Well, after the conversation at roughly 4:30 AM, here are things that’ve changed in a disorganized list. None is more important than the other. I'm just writing what comes to my head.

One: Barnes said he doesn’t really let anyone call him James. I called him James once because I forgot. Profuse apologies followed. He said it was okay and didn’t mind me calling him that. Now, in my mind, I think he’s just saying this to be polite and really just wants me to call him Bucky but he seemed sincere. We’ll see how it goes.

Two: Barnes was awake because his cat woke him up. I didn’t even know he had a cat but it’s a gorgeous white cat named Alpine that Barnes carries around in his half-zipped up hoodies sometimes. It’s adorable. He’s super soft and friendly and I love him already. He showed me all the tricks Alpine could do. Amazing.

Three: Barnes’ favourite movie is the Godfather. Totally surprising there. Please tell me you understand sarcasm.

Four: He said he liked the name Jane when I told him what I was doing up and also in the rec room (couldn’t sleep, writing in my diary) and that I didn’t want to say “Dear diary”

“Why don’t you just give it a name?” he eloquently suggested and Jane was his answer to my question of “Which name?”

Five: Barnes, or James, I guess he is now, is my friend.

Six: We said we’d meet up at 4:30AM or earlier again because I told him I wanted to show him my s’mores dip recipe.

Seven: Wish me luck. Hope I don’t get murdered.

Eight: I think I might be in love with him.

Bye.

Aug. 5/20

Dear Jane,

In an effort to summarize what has happened in the past four days, I will open with the fact that James Buchana Barnes is the cutest motherfucker on the planet. He’s super old fashioned, but that’s a given. He opens the doors for me, offers to take my bags up, and in the past four days, we’ve met up at around midnight to just eat and chat. Then he walks me back to my room with a glass of water and I’m left fanning myself because it’s so sweet and he’s so sweet and OH, MY GOD, I am a child.

This feels like a crush. Like, butterflies in my stomach, self-conscious every time he looks at me, can’t stop staring, and wanting to impress him at every turn sort of crush.

AKA, a middle-school crush and I feel completely ridiculous but that is besides the point because he’s just the loveliest person.

Someone should tell him chivalry is dead. Steve thinks he’s just being sweet on me, and Sam says I should flash some ass just to get a rise out of him which would be funny. He’d look absolutely adorable blushing his head off.

We’ll see. I am considering it.

What else happened? I’m drawing a huge blank.

As explained in a previous entry, I was to show Barnes my s’mores dip recipe. Huge success. Crowd loved it. That’s how I learned he has a huge sweet tooth like me. Got an email from Pep about a board meeting which I ignored. If it’s really important, she’ll see me in person. Went swimming with Sam. We started planning Tony’s big Christmas party even though that’s MONTHS away.

But, you know. We’re so busy all the time, it might be worth it planning ahead.

As head of R&D, it’s vital to me that this goes well because they’re fun when they do go well, and a chaotic disaster when they don’t. Also, I have to find a date but details will follow.

I think that’s it.

If there’s more to follow, then I’ll just come back but there really isn’t.

Oh, Alpine found my room. He’s in here right now and he snores. It’s cute, just like his owner.

Okay, goodnight.

Aug. 7/20

Dear Jane,

Sam, James, and I went swimming.

Pro of the day: James is ripped and that man was GLISTENING.

Con of the day: I AM STUPID in front of hot ripped men.

Pro of the day: We got ice cream together. Strawberry for me, mango for James because he wants to try new flavours, and Sam ordered some monstrosity with vanilla ice cream, chocolate and raspberry syrups, and a bunch of banana slices. A swirl of whipped cream to finish it off. It looked like diabetes in a cup and that’s coming from me.

Con of the day: James used his thumb to wipe the ice cream off my lip and my brain short-circuited. Sam teased us about it, but James very stubbornly and convincingly said we’re just friends.

Con of the day x2: We are just friends and that is NOT going to change. I cannot explain how much my heart literally fell out of my body in disappointment.

God, and James and I are meeting up at 2AM tonight so he can show me this new stupid stuffed celerey recipe he learned.

It’s not stupid.

It’s really, REALLY cute he researched it.

This sucks.

Aug. 11/20

The worst day ever. I don’t want to talk about it but might as well make a note on it. More on it later, I guess.

Aug. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry, I’m dramatic. Must get it from working with Tony for so many years.

Let’s just review what occurred on August 11, 2020, at approximately 3:23 in the afternoon.

I learned that James went out on a date. A DATE. From SAM. When James had ample opportunity to tell me at our regular meeting at witching hour over celery sticks.

EXCUSE ME? WHO IS THIS WOMAN?

I’m not even mad. I’m just angry that the man I became friends with only 2 weeks ago and caught feelings immediately for is seeing other people.

I sound like a raging bitch. I promise you, Jane, that I am not. I’m just the insanely jealous type.

No, I’m not.

God, what is happening to me and why does it have to be James.

I never get crushes and the instant I do, it’s for the most emotionally and physically unavailable person ON EARTH.

Also, work was work. I was distracted, drank soup from the canteen, and generally accomplished nothing. Alpine came for some snuggles while James was out. That’s the only good thing.

Thanks, universe.

Aug. 16/20

Dear Jane,

So, I brought up this mystery lady over homemade sundaes.

James seems pretty serious about her because he a) apologized for not telling because he wanted to keep it private and asked me not to tell anyone and b) has a second date with her later today.

Oh, GOD. There is no point to this.

Aug. 19/20

Dear Jane,

What’s the point of asking someone intimate, personal questions if not because you guys are best friends?

James called me his best friend today. He says he knows me, but if he did, he’d know I feel like throwing up whenever he’s around and that his stare burns through every layer of clothing until I feel like he just knows my secret.

I told him we’ve known each other less than a month, but he said something stupidly charming about “intuition” and feeling and that this feels right and how he knows he can tell me anything and that I was an easy person to talk to.

I should’ve been a shrink.

At least, my trip to Wakanda is going to give me distance. A solid two months of no one else but me, tech, and new faces. Going there to collaborate with Shuri is definitely exciting and taking up more space in my brain than James these days.

Maybe I’ll fall in love with some soldier over there because apparently, I’m catching feelings willy-nilly these days.

See you on the plane, Jane.

Aug. 23/20

Dear Jane,

On the quinjet, it’s fairly quiet. It’s one of the things I love about it. The silent yet soft engines that can lull me to sleep. We should be arriving in a few hours so I thought I’d write. I’m getting the hang of this, I think.

There's a press conference later, too, in the trip with the UN and it’s not that I can’t handle it, but that I could’ve done this in my sleep and wished Tony sent someone else. I hate the press, not gonna lie.

Anyway, this gives me time to be introspective.

Is it just me or James always Okay, is it just my imagination that whenever I try to get close to James, he just kinda pulls away? Not in a romantic way. I’m not stealing anyone’s man because girl code, but he won’t even let me just stand near him anymore. It’s like I have an infectious disease only transmitted through physical contact and it’s just weird.

I don’t know.

Before I left, he said he’d miss me and that we should keep in touch through calls (Obviously, I would) and that he hopes I won’t forget him.

So, you say those things but you won’t even let me even hug you?

You’re a manipulative asshole, Barnes.

Oct. 20/20

Dear Jane,

I am so sorry that it has taken so long for us to reunite.

In hindsight, I’m a fucking idiot.

I left you on the quinjet which went back to New York and a different quinjet came to pick me up. I came back like two days ago so these past few days have been spent searching for you.

James offered to help, and he seems normal again.

Weird. Guess he was just in a mood with the new girlfriend and adjusting to having me as a friend, too. Guys go through that, I guess.

In Wakanda, I did not, in fact, fall in love with a soldier or anything. I curse every day that I didn’t, trust me. I’m just as disappointed as you are because I just want to get over this stupid crush. For the two months I was gone, it was like I didn’t like James at all like that. Even during calls, I could pretend we were just two teammates keeping each other in the loop. He talked about his girlfriend, I listened, I explained science because he’s a nerd, and he asked questions like he was interested.

It was FINE.

Then, he was waiting for me when I came back to NYC and it slammed into me like Bruce in Hulk-mode.

James asked if I wanted to meet his girlfriend because she’d be coming around for the Halloween party anyway, and he thinks we’ll get along swimmingly.

He really said swimmingly. He is stuck in the wrong era, but we all knew that.

I said yes, to be polite.

Here’s to hoping she’s a vindictive bitch and I am justified in hating her entire being.

Oct. 22/20

Dear Jane,

I met her. She’s small and pretty and mature and normal.

If I wasn’t stupidly in my feelings about James, I’d love her, too.

She’d treat him right, give him a good home to come back to.

Best not to notice the people fighting beside you in that way, I guess.

Oct. 25/20

Dear Jane,

God is dead and NO ONE has eyes on the road.

Jesus isn’t even taking the wheel on this one.

It’s a fucking disaster.

I do not want to describe in every little detail the intricacies of dreaming about James Buchanan Barnes fucking my brains out, so I won’t, but this is for the record that it happened and how the fuck am I supposed to come back and see him in his probably gorgeous attempt at his recreation of Brendan Fraser from the Mummy AKA my favourite movie (which HE KNOWS THAT IT IS?? GOD, the audacity.)

Girlfriend (his girlfriend. “Girlfriend” is the name which she shall be henceforth known as in these entries because petty wins are all I have right now) is dressing as Rachel Weisz. Because “couples goals” or whatever.

I wouldn’t know. Sam and I are dressed up as sexy salt and pepper shakers (his idea, not mine) and he made me take the salt stick because I think he knows. Steve’s not dressing up because he’s more focused on handing out candy as Captain America.

Tony is… Tony. Iron Man and all that.

Anyway, I’m out of town in DC for a meeting with the Secretary of State for a few days, but I’ll be back in New York on the 30th so I’ll have a few hours to adjust to being around James again before he dons on that outfit that I know will be totally hot.

He called me his best friend again in his latest email.

Made me smile like an idiot, but I digress.

Nov. 1/20

Dear Jane,

Halloween was killer. Sam and I won best duo for costumes because we’re that good. Ate a lot of candy and it seems to be looking up.

I dunno. I didn’t mind James and Girlfriend on the couch that much in the after-party. Mostly stuck by Nat and Sharon and Tony. An ood trio, but a fun one nonetheless.

It was fun, but I still have to go to work no matter how many jello shots and vodka gummy bears consumed.

Wish me luck, not that I need it.

Why do you think Tony hired me?

Nov. 4/20

Dear Jane.

Natasha said I smile at James in a way that utterly betrays every emotion I want to hide in my chest.

Note to self: Don’t smile at James, or at his jokes, or at anything he ever does again. Avoid him. Put a stopper on this friendship.

Note to note to self: I can’t. He just makes me smile whenever he’s around and he’s always around. There’s no simpler way to put it.

I’m gonna try this hiatus thing, though. Distance myself a bit. We’ll see how it goes.

Nov. 13/20

Dear Jane,

Day nine of this hiatus business and it sucks. I miss my best friend.

We’re scheduled for a mission together, and we’re leaving tomorrow so I was going to have to talk to him during the briefing and the op either way.

Well, glad to know this didn’t work.

Nov. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Guess who just got fucking shot!

ME!

Guess even scumbags can’t take a holiday because some stupid arms dealer got a cheap shot on me while I was downloading their whole computer system and other tech mumbo-jumbo I am too high to write about.

James left a few hours ago with the rest of the team, but not before he got me a bunch of ice chips and said he was worried and that he hopes I get better soon. He even promised to get me some flowers to spruce up the room and to say my HEART went CRAZY is an understatement.

He came to my rescue, essentially, as soon as he heard I got pinned. He carried me to the quinjet the instant he cleared the area and stayed by my side the whole time even though the bleeding stopped and I was in good hands. He was just so protective, barking at doctors and nurses. It was embarrassing but also really, really sweet.

Is it weird of me to say that I want him to stay by my side forever?

I’ve never fallen in love before.

Is it always this fast and this hard? I feel like I’m crashing instead of gently and wonderfully falling. Everything is dumb and awful.

Is this what love is like? Because it hurts worse than getting shot because I think I’m going to vomit flowers or butterflies or something.

God, he’d never love me. We’re just friends and even though we have a lot in common, he’d never. It’s just too much of the past in the present or whatever.

Also, he has a girlfriend but it seems very surface-level. God, that makes me sound like a “one of the boys” type of girl who’s a bitch to one of the boy’s new girlfriends, but I don’t know. James told me they don’t really talk about the deep stuff like we do. But she makes him happy, I think.

In hindsight, one may ask what the deep stuff is.

More on that later. I’m tired.

God, why him?

I HATE THIS.

goodnight.

Nov. 16/20

Dear Jane,

James visited again today. He sat beside me and we talked until the nurses had to kick him out. He also brought the flowers.

I asked about Girlfriend casually. I said I liked her.

He said he did, too.

I don’t know why I think he’s lying. No, I do.

It’s because jealousy is the green-eyed bitch from highschool who still shows up in my life because she thinks she’s relevant to society.

That was mean. Unrequited love makes you mean. Side effect noted.

P.S. The deep stuff includes his past, his arm, his memory, his favourite colour. I dunno why that matters. It just does.

Nov. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Got out of the hospital today because of advanced technology and all that. Nothing’s left but a scar and residual soreness. James helped me to my room and said to call him if I had a problem.

I joked that he has a girlfriend and for some reason, he got really weird about it. It’s hard to describe. I dunno. Nat dropped by for popcorn and movies.

It’s 2:32AM. I’m wondering if he’s in the kitchen but I’m confined to bed rest so I don’t know. Also, Nat is asleep beside me and I don’t want to bother her.

Hopefully I can get up and move in a few days. Life is boring.

Nov. 24/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry we haven’t caught up in a moment. Work’s been hectic and I’ve been working overtime trying to make ends meet. Most days I’m in the office or lab, just trying to get enough things done so I can take time off come Christmas.

James stopped by tonight with Chinese takeout and some sweet buns.

He broke up with his girlfriend, too.

Guess that’s why he was being weird about it.

I tried being as casual as I could asking why, but he didn’t want to talk about it, so I asked why he came by. Couldn’t be for the company because when I’m in work mode, I just don’t talk and he knows that.

He said something about his arm feeling funny so I gave it a quick diagnostics check.

I think both of us knew his arm was feeling fine.

Everything is stupid, life is meaningless, and James’ lips are the prettiest shade of pink in the ugly lights of the lab.

I would very much like to have kissed him, but I didn’t.

Girl code.

It’ll probably be a while before I get another chance to actually have time and energy to write another diary entry. Christmas season’s coming close and Pepper is gonna need help with the party.

Yay, me.

Dec. 4/20

Dear Jane,

Morgan asked me in less eloquent words if I had a boyfriend (it was more like “You boyfriend?” But whatever. Who even taught her that word?) and I swear to GOD Nat could not make it anymore obvious looking at James.

Remind me to absolutely throttle her. I don’t care if she’s the infamous Black Widow. She has clearly never seen me hopped up on nothing but a negative amount of sleep and rage/embarrassment/spite/all of the above.

On another note, Pep asked if I was bringing a plus one for the party. I said I’d think about it. Normally I’d just take Sam but he has his eyes on someone at the VA and I like my friends getting laid so no go there.

Might just go alone. I don’t know.

Pep said I should take James, but I don’t really think she knows the truth about that situation. Luckily, Tony instantly rejected the idea and said he’d find me a date if I couldn’t.

Thank the universe for at least placing me in the close circle of the most well-known and richest man in the world because he also gave me his card and said go wild.

He knows me so well. I’m thinking about Christmas shopping when I have another free day, and I’ll pay for that with my own money, of course, but clothes shopping is a free market.

I cannot wait.

Dec. 12/20

Dear Jane,

I wish I could show you my haul, but I got so much stuff Happy had to drive to help me. Besides obvious gifts, I also managed to snag a gorgeous dress for the party.

Thoughts on black and gold?

I think it’s beautiful. Hopefully Nat and Sharon think so. We’re having a girls night tonight and showing off outfits, so that’s exciting.

James asked if we could meet up tonight.

I told him I had plans and he looked so downcast.

I dunno. Everything feels weird between us. Like we’re fine, we’re best friends still, but something’s changed when no one was looking. He’s single now. I guess that energy is different because I had gotten used to his energy with ex-Girlfriend.

I don’t exactly mind but it’s not ideal either. I miss summer. It’s much less complicated than winter. Winter, one has to worry about wind and chills and snows blocking roads, black ice, dry skin, freezing fingers.

Summer: there’s just a lot of sun, wind, bugs, and the vaguest notion of being bored.

Look, I love winter. It’s my favourite season. It’s quiet and gorgeous and dreamy, even though it gets dreary in New York. The snow falls slowly sometimes, Christmas is gorgeous here, and I’d rather be cold than sweating buckets, and there are no bugs to bother me. Also, it gives me a good reason to stay in the labs or in my room where it’s warm and toasty.

I just miss the relative simplicity when James and I were just strangers on the edge of being friends, which is, in retrospect, a selfish reason to like one season and hate another.

Well, some philosopher somewhere probably said something about humanity being selfish.

Dec. 16/20

Dear Jane,

T-minus nine days until the party.

No date in sight.

Maybe I’ll ask Anderson from HR. We had coffee together a few times and he’s nice. Good catch: smart, not too bad looking, and really nice. I’ll head down tomorrow and ask.

Alpine had purred when I told him my plan and headbutted my hand, so I guess I got the Alpine-Seal-of-Approval.

Dec. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Operation: Ask Anderson from HR to Tony’s Christmas Party failed. Granted, it could’ve been because that was a god awful title and that that name, in itself, prophesied catastrophic failure, but also because I was accosted by my best friend.

I wish I meant Sam.

Nope. James caught me in the elevator and we made small talk. Sounds fine, right? Then we turned the topic to the party. Talked about clothes and prospective celebrity appearances and drinks and food. Just about everything, so might as well turn to talks about dates, which meant I had to explain why I was in the elevator in the first place.

Going down to ask Anderson ended in James revealing that he didn’t have a date either.

He doesn’t know who Anderson is, which I thought would be the case, and he popped the question before the doors opened.

Notice how I said “didn't” have a date.

Guess who’s going to the party with James, clearly stated as friends, platonic soulmates, etc.?

Me.

Yippee.

Dec. 18/20

Dear Jane,

It’s 3:42AM and I’m in the rec room as usual. I was gonna not write here today but it normally helps me sleep to just write a bit, get what little thoughts are in my head out. Yeah.

I hear James in the kitchen talking to Alpine and it’s making me smile like an idiot.

Oh, shit, he knows I’m in here. He’s making milkshakes.

I am morally obligated by best friend duties to join him.

Goodnight, Jane.

Dec. 24/20

Dear Jane,

I’m not sleeping with James Buchanan Barnes tomorrow night.

This is a resolute promise. An early New Year’s resolution.

Dec. 25/20

Dear Jane,

Merry Christmas!

In between jovial festivities, I’ve finally found a little nook that’s quiet enough to write in. We opened presents, had a big family breakfast, went skating and just lounged around, and frankly, I’m exhausted. Need to recharge the old social battery.

Among the assortment of gifts is one that stands out to me. James got me a gift that said “Open When Alone” and I did before I started this entry and it was a fucking necklace. Like, a gorgeous one. It’s gold and thin and it feels wonderful. There’s a little cat paw charm on it and it’s so pretty because he has a matching bracelet for himself and I have still not yet recovered.

It’s just so sweet and it reminds me why I love him.

Yes, love has made me unbelievably sappy. I just heaved the biggest sigh in history.

Unfortunately, I have to go earlier tonight. To the party, as written in previous entries. I remember my oath of one-night celibacy and I intend on keeping it, despite how fucking endearing this gift was, because he said it best: we’re just friends. I’m not about to coerce my best friend into sleeping with me out of a piteous, unrequited love. That’s just gross.

You will either see me hungover tomorrow, or very drunk later tonight. It’s all very depending on how this night turns out.

Dec. 26/20

Dear Jane,

Fuck.

P.S. He REALLY does not mind me calling him James. Take that as dirtily or as clandestinely as you wish.

Dec. 27/20

Dear Jane,

I spent the entire day in bed with very pleasurable company.

I am SO GLAD we haven’t gotten called in because James doesn’t leave unless to go to sleep in his own bed or to eat, and I do NOT want to explain to the team that James fucked my brains out for two days straight because my heart is bursting.

He’s a good kisser. His lips are soft.

Intimate knowledge of that is now burned into my memory for future reference.

God, this is a dream come true. He doesn’t even question it, he just

It’s like I’m a goddess to him. He treats me like one, at least, and it’s like he’ll do anything I ask. And we act like it’s normal, too. Midnight trips to the kitchen included.

Best Christmas ever.

Dec. 28/20

Dear Jane,

I feel like I’m ignoring you but I’m also having the best sex of my life. He’s just… so fucking good and it’s a holiday and holy shit my mind is blown.

Love at first meeting isn’t real.

Well, maybe this one time, it was destiny.

Dec. 29/20

Dear Jane,

It isn’t just the sex, you know? It’s the pillowtalk, too. He just makes me laugh so much and everything is so easy between us and it feels real. Popcorn and chips in bed, some mojitos, just each other’s presence. It’s enough like that, you know?

Some quote about how the one you love should be both your lover and your best friend is in my head but I’m too lazy to look it up. James’ head is in my lap and he’s just reading while I’m writing and everything seems perfect.

He doesn’t ask what I’m writing because he knows it’s private and I trust him.

This is perfect.

I think I really am IN love with him.

Jan. 1/21

You know that cliché/tradition of New Year’s kisses?

WELL THEN.

Best (and worst) New Year’s ever. I’ll explain more later. I’m too tired and too angry and also sore and bruised.

See you when I’m not hungover.

Jan. 5/21

Dear Jane,

I’m finally stable enough to write.

In a crazy turn of events, Barnes and I got into a fight because of what happened after New Year’s Day’s events: I caught him leaving before I woke up and at first, curious questions ensued, and it wasn’t a fight but then it became one and I don’t even know how it happened. I wasn’t even mad. He just started being weird and I got annoyed and we tried and failed to keep our voices down. Luckily, my room is pretty soundproof.

Things just got out of hand and I feel like tearing my hair out. I wanna storm up to him and just yell some more.

Tony came into my room and didn’t say shit about my hickies and the fact that James is avoiding me like the plague. He gave me a really good hug, though and then gave me a few weeks off extra. I don’t know how he knows, but then again, it’s Tony.

He just said love’s tough sometimes.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I’m thinking about just taking a long vacation and disappearing. It seems like a good route to take at this point.

Jan. 6/21

Dear Jane,

James is looking at me right now as I write this. I wonder if I should look back or if he’s going to come up to me. We’ll see.

I’m only writing this so it seems like I’m busy. I’m running out of things to say, honestly. Can he just go? What’s the point in staring like that? What’s the point?

I could ask myself the same question. What’s the point in loving someone who’ll never love you? Yeah, he’s sleeping with me but he pulls away every time I try to do something more. Outside the bubble of my room and the small time frame of post-11PM to around 4:45AM, he acts like he’s allergic to intimacy.

It was never like that with ex-Girlfriend.

Maybe it’s something to do with me.

I don’t know, but he keeps looking and I want to get up and leave, but I won’t. I’m not gonna let him win.

Jan. 6/21

He didn’t. He just went out. Sam and Steve asked if I was okay because as soon as he left, I got up for the bathroom and screamed into a towel.

I don’t think either of them knows what’s going on, but they have a notion.

Jan. 9/21

Dear Jane,

He apologized. Still no explanation as to why, but it feels weird.

I told him I’m going on a vacation to Switzerland. Go skiing or something and asked if he wanted to come.

It was stupid to ask, but he said yes.

Shit.

Jan. 14/21

Dear Jane,

Switzerland is lovely.

No work is relaxing. Awkwardness between me and the other traveller on this vacation. Weather’s supposed to be nice when we get there. Sunny snow days, pretty mountains, other Swiss things.

No other comment.

Jan. 21/21

Dear Jane,

I lasted all of a week.

Yep, I slept with him again, and yes, he was back in his hotel bed come sunrise.

I dunno. I’m over it. We don’t apologize and hope everything gets back to normal because neither of us want to say anything to ruin it any further and we both have a major fear of the complicated. To be fair, he said he didn’t want to sleep with me if I was completely against it.

Also, I tried calling him Bucky at dinner like ex-Girlfriend (and everyone else) does and he made the most disgusted face.

He said, and I quote, “Bucky? When did I stop being James?”

I told him I was trying something out and he said it failed. Snarky bastard.

I guess if he’s still James, that must mean I’m still special.

That’s the Tony-inherited ego talking.

But it does make me exceptionally happy to play with the idea that I’m special to him. Best friend with convoluted benefits. Sounds like the title of a very long-winded self-help book that doesn’t really help much but that does sound like the story of my life so I can’t complain too much.

We’re going home in a few days.

I’ll probably sleep with him again. Bet Steve’s shield that I do.

Jan. 24/21

Dear Jane,

I get three Steve’s shields because I was right every single fucking day.

He’s like a habit I can’t quite kick and don’t really want to.

We snuggled afterwards last night. His arm was around my shoulders, we were naked, I was resting my head on his chest. For a moment, it felt like something couples do and then I fell asleep and woke up alone.

Quantum physics is easier to understand than this but I think we’re being mutually exclusive right now, so it’s almost dating.

I dunno. I don’t mind it anymore. It’s better than nothing.

Feb. 2/21

Dear Jane,

I’m absolutely miserable.

I’m still getting laid, but that’s not related. Correlation and causation or something.

Why is New York so dreary and when can everything just stop?

I don’t know. Winter is ending and now it’s in that awful transition phase between seasons and it’s mucky and rainy and disgusting. Tony got these limited edition ice cream flavours though so I’m gonna ask James if we can make milkshakes out of them or something.

He doesn’t like the muck either. That’s not really relevant, I guess.

Feb. 14/21

Dear Jane,

I got flowers and chocolate from the department because I think they can sense I’ve been in a bad mood since forever. Then, there was an anonymous delivery and inside was this gorgeous chain bracelet that matches the necklace sort of. I lied and told the department it was from Pepper.

What a wretched holiday.

Yours truly.

Feb. 18/21

Dear Jane,

Normally, when boys get their haircut, they look ugly for a day or two after.

Not James.

He got his hair cut shorter and he looks really good. Like unbelievably good. Short hair fits him just as much as long hair does.

No other observations.

Feb. 25/21

Dear Jane,

It was Morgan’s birthday party today. James came in one of those brown jackets with the sheepskin wool inside and he looked so good. We mainly stayed apart to prevent any dalliance because one does not disappear from the Madame Secretary’s birthday party and the team doesn’t really know what’s happening behind the scenes except for Nat and Tony, really.

I really wanted to kiss him in front of our friends. I caught him staring a few times, and every time, the smile seemed to vanish off his face.

I’m lying in bed and it feels pretty empty.

It occurs to me that I’ve been in love for a pretty long time and I’m not even in a relationship with the guy.

Energy could’ve been devoted to so many other things and I’d hate being in love if it weren’t for the fact that it’s James.

Again, love making me sappy and all that.

Feb. 28/21

Dear Jane,

Jane is such a common name. Some would call it plain yet it means gift from God.

I wonder if James knew that.

Mar. 10/21

Dear Jane,

It’s James’ birthday. Birthday sex is a requirement and a desire. I also got him a gift which is a pair of new black Timbs. I hope he likes them. I’m excited for cake, I guess. Morgan did my makeup but I’m gonna have to wipe it off for the small little party tonight.

I think, ordinarily, I’d be in knots because it’s James’ birthday and I love him and he’s my best friend, but I just don’t know. March is fairly boring and contemplative and rainy. Work is work. Helen Cho did a presentation on her Cradle technology. Very cool.

Mar. 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s raining and doesn’t feel like spring. Alpine vomited on my bed a few days ago because he’s not feeling well. James and I took him to the vet and he’s on antibiotics. Poor boy. He’s sleeping in the corner of my room right now while James is away on a mission. I think I’ll just work from my room for a bit until he’s feeling better.

Nothing much to report, which is why I didn’t write anything. The month passed by too quickly. James should be back by the end of the month. I miss him and not because of the sex. No one else who doesn’t work for me or pays me listens to me ramble on their own free will. Talking to screens just isn’t the same.

April 1/21

James got back really early this morning and I, by tradition, was awake. I sort of wish I wasn’t though. In true April Fool’s tradition, I made fun of him for being a day late to which he genuinely apologized. I told him to shower and get to sleep but he was in that mood where you’re so exhausted you’re wide awake.

James suggested we make really strong cocktails for each other as a celebration for an extraction mission completed successfully.

Who am I to say no to celebrating?

He really likes grapefruit juice so I made a REALLY strong Grapefruit Paloma. He made this really interesting drink that was purple and tasted like oranges and cranberries. A lot of blue curacao was in it so it was pretty bitter but it hit like a fucking truck which is probably why I didn’t understand anything he said at first.

He told me he loved me.

I think, somehow, he managed to get drunk after the Grapefruit Paloma and two more bottles of vodka. Don’t ask me how because Steve NEVER gets drunk. Maybe HYDRA-brand serum is faulty? I don’t know.

I asked if he knew what date it was. He laughed really loudly, said no, realized, stuttered apologies and then said it again.

It was the most perfect sound in the world and it was the best moment in recent history.

Or, the sickest practical joke.

Consensus not yet reached.

April 2/21

Dear Jane,

I asked if he remembered what happened yesterday morning.

He did not.

Sickest practical joke confirmed.

April 9/21

Dear Jane,

I’ve been avoiding writing because I’ve felt a whole lot of nothing. Everything is abysmal and James’ confession is all I can think about. Tony’s on my ass about slipping and he has half the mind to put me on paid leave until I get my shit together, both as the head of the department and as an agent.

Drunk words are sober thoughts, all that garbage.

I wish I could live my whole life drunk and honest. Maybe then I wouldn’t be in this situation where I’m stuck in eternal limbo with my best friend whom I’m in love with. Minus the drunk part.

Duty demands I return to this weathered journal until it’s finished so we’ll see. I might be back this month. Maybe not.

May 1/21

Dear Jane,

It rained a lot in April so now the flowers are blooming early. April showers bring May flowers. Guess it has some merit to it.

Limbo sucks. Its inescapable nature, its terrible facade of everything seeming fine when it really isn’t.

Of course, James still makes me smile, but nothing seems really okay when I let myself stop for a second.

I’m going out with Steve to a charity thing tomorrow. Should be a few hours worth of not thinking and free booze. Oh, and James and I made out in one of the quinjets after dinner today.

Felt weird considering we aren’t a couple, but it happened spontaneously as that is the nature of our relationship, it appears.

The cause also happens to be the cure of melancholy. Weird.

May 6/21

Dear Jane,

For context, it’s 5:23AM.

Went for a walk in Madison Square and then Central Park with James yesterday, although in my head it’s still today. We met up with Nat for some training at the gym. Got a bit mobbed by fans and the paps who asked if we were dating like we’re the tabloid’s biggest scoop.

We weren’t even holding hands, but I guess it’s just another reason why we shouldn’t be TOGETHER together in public.

We had another deep stuff talk again in bed after the usual business. I wanted to ask what this is between us and if he’s pursuing other options, because I’m not and I wanted to know if I should, but I also didn’t want to ruin the vibe.

He was in a good mood today, and seeing as sometimes he has nightmares, I thought it was best I don’t ruin it. He thinks I don’t notice but how do I not notice? He’s my best friend.

I kissed his cheek when he got up to leave and he kissed me goodbye on the lips.

I guess that means something.

May 17/21

Dear Jane,

In a moment of complete boredom, I listened to Imagine Dragons’ new album. It wasn’t too bad, to be honest, but Sharon thought it could’ve been better. Whatever.

May 22/21

Dear Jane,

Ran into ex-Girlfriend today. She still has that whole sunshine thing going on still. We had coffee and she asked if I got together with James yet.

I choked on my coffee and nearly died on the spot.

That’s how I learned that James apparently broke it off softly and ex-Girlfriend had, very wisely and knowingly, said that he should chase the apple of his eye before I (the apple) rotted alone and forgotten at the trunk of the tree. Or, as any sane person would say (and ex-Girlfriend DID say), get picked from the tree by another hand.

She said it was quite obvious that I was in love with James even months ago. She also thanked me for being so nice, anyway, and that it must’ve been difficult. What a fucking SAINT.

I set her up with a date with Steve because they have the same energy, honestly, and that’s going down on the 26th barring any emergencies.

Call me Cupid, but I think I just constructed the perfect match made in heaven.

Mentioned this meeting to James minus the apple detail. He asked if she was doing okay, which she was, and seemed glad for that. Between kisses and his sneaking hand beneath the covers, he also asked if there was anything else. Not really much to say on that front.

June 3/21

Dear Jane,

It’s starting to dry up consistently, now. It’s getting warmer, too. Sam brought me flowers and told me to at least turn the air-con on if I was gonna be stuck in the lab all day. Oh, the simplicities of summer are hopefully returning. Got out early and hung out with Morgan at the park in the evening.

It’s nice to hang out with someone so blissfully unaware with the stupidity of love. All Morgan cares about is grass and buttercups she grabs from the ground. She doesn’t have to worry about how to tell the guy she’s in love with that she loves him.

Oh, didn’t you hear? Nat said I should just buck the fuck up and tell him.

And Nat is scary when not listened to.

Much to brainstorm about.

June 14/21

Dear Jane,

Just here to brainstorm some ideas for future Stark Industries projects and thought I’d preface it with a small diary entry. Nothing really happened. Work’s catching up for some reason and bad guys are acting up. I’ve pulled a few all nighters, not gonna lie.

Really tired, but in a good, productive way. Haven’t thought much on the James front. Gonna have to focus on that after everything calms down.

June 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s officially summer and yet today was awful with only subtle hints of being okay.

So much for simplicity.

In the evening, I read on the hammock on the balcony. No one really bothered me except James, but he’s never a bother.

Steve and ex-Girlfriend (who will now be reidentified as Girlfriend) are pretty cute, and she meshes well with the group. There’s nothing really awkward between her, James, or me, so I guess two people’s summers are going well. Bully for them.

Didn’t really eat. Was too busy working. James got me dinner. Didn’t feel right and just kept working. This whole agreement between us has been very flexible but we really need to fit in a session soon.

I’ll make it work somehow.

June 22/21

Dear Jane,

I got my wish and didn’t at the same time. We spent the whole day in the sheets (very blissfully relaxing) and I, stupidly and with very little sleep, let it slip.

In less elegant terms, I told him I loved him. It felt very real and genuine and very-out-of-a-movie, but his reaction was less so.

What did I say? Allergic to intimacy.

He tried to play it off as best friends and even that was uncomfortable, but I, very seriously and very foolishly, corrected him that “no, James Buchanan Barnes, I am IN LOVE with you.”

He left a few minutes ago, saying something about heading down to the gym, but I know he’s just trying to avoid me.

God, how am I so stupid?

June 25/21

Dear Jane,

I haven’t seen James in a few days. I thought he was avoiding me but turns out he’s out of the country. Something about protection for whatever dignitary is travelling at the end of the month. I don’t know.

I wasn’t assigned to that op so the details weren’t shared liberally. Sam just said it’d be a while during the ambassador’s entire stay. High threat level which is why the Avengers were contracted.

I just hope he stays safe. I know he probably took off to take his mind off things, but I don’t know how he’s focusing when all I can think of is those three little words.

I love you.

Seems so fake the more I hear it in my head, but his reaction was so real that I think I might’ve just irreversibly messed things up.

July 12/21

Dear Jane,

It’s been a hectic couple of weeks. If future me finds this with blotted words, it’s because I am indeed crying while writing this.

James was medically evac’ed last night and transferred back to New York. Helen Cho was flown in from her medical conference in Minnesota where she was showcasing the newest version of the Cradle.

There was an assasination attempt and James is fucked up bad.

Holy shit, I’m so scared. I’ve never been so scared in my life. It’s like an invisible demon has my heart in his claw-like hands and he’s squeezing with all his might. I think my heart might explode.

I just want to hold his hand but he’s so high risk no one’s allowed to see him right now.

The waiting room is too quiet. Steve’s holding on to Girlfriend’s hand so hard I think her bones are broken but she’s taking it like a champ. Nat’s pacing, slowly patting a sleeping Morgan who she’s carrying. Sam and Tony are talking about stuff.

It’s too quiet.

I’m so scared.

July 13/21

They got him into the Cradle. Thank God. I think I might cry some more out of relief, but he was conscious for a few minutes earlier and he’s stable now.

It’s really late at night but they extended privileges to me to stay with him so I’m just sitting here, writing. Listening to the Cradle do its thing and the monitors do theirs.

When he was conscious, I was with him. He said some stuff under his breath but the one thing I could make out was “I’m an idiot.”

Granted, he’s right. It was supposed to be Steve or Tony on that mission. You know, people with more defense op experience, but he had to go out and volunteer himself.

I feel sort of guilty.

It’s partially my fault, isn’t it?

I think I’ll try to tuck in for tonight. I wanna be awake when he wakes up, too.

July 14/21

Dear Jane,

James woke up today. He’s still in the Cradle (lots of internal damage spread throughout the body) but he’s conscious. He saw me and immediately tried to sit up which was sweet, but when he couldn’t, he just told me to come closer and then told me that he loved me.

I called him an idiot for running away. I told him he really scared me. I told him that I loved him so fucking much. I told him that I feel so guilty and he just held my face and said that it will never be my fault.

He’s so fucking romantic, even when he’s lying down with a wound being stitched closed live in front of my eyes.

Oh, and he kissed me. I don’t think I noticed how much I actually missed him until that moment.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling in my chest. It’s a mixture between super happy and super scared and super, super warm inside. Summer might be looking up.

July 18/21

Dear Jane,

We got home today. James is staying in my room. The team doesn’t say anything about it. We’re best friends, after all, but I think they’ve known for a long time that there’s something more. Some of them are just too polite to say so.

I won’t have much time to write over the next couple of days. James has to be kept on a strict, extremely healthy diet and medicine regime.

I don’t care. I’m just glad he’s home.

He’s kissing me a lot more, now. Alpine likes the fact that his two humans are now in the same room. He purrs so loudly, I can hear him from where he’s dozing, curled up underneath James’ chin. He (James) is resting after his second round of antibiotics for the day while I work from my room, and sometimes I catch myself looking back just to make sure he’s okay.

I’m going to go kiss him now.

Be right back.

July 21/21

Dear Jane,

It’s almost Nat’s birthday (the 26th). Super exciting. James is back on solids and I’m helping him around with walking. Even with the Cradle and the healing factor, he’s still super banged up, so it’s better safe than sorry.

We had a really long talk about love and stuff. It’s good to finally have it out in the open. It was mostly me talking about my side of things and he just nodded a lot. I know he was listening though.

We also kissed a lot, like seventeen year old couples who are heavy on the PDA, but within the privacy of my room. I dunno. I like the heat of his arms and the way he kisses the shell of my ear when he’s bored or it’s a commercial break.

It feels very natural.

I am very much in love with him.

I tell him that and he always looks skeptical, but whatever. He doesn’t have to say it back (I tell him that there’s no pressure) and he’ll get it through his thick skull eventually that he’s now stuck with me.

July 25/21

Dear Jane,

We made cookies in the early AM as tradition for the party tomorrow and I told him that I love him (again, but this time he didn’t run, nor has he the past few times. Fantastic).

While the cookies were baking, he explained everything on his side of the story: how he was scared to be vulnerable, how opening up to me is just different and new and scary and I get it. I really do. I know how it feels to think you don’t deserve good things and sabotage feels like the only way to save everyone from hurt.

He smiled a lot more after that. I guess he’s just glad I get it.

One day, I’ll successfully convince James that he deserves everything good this world has to offer.

Until then, I’ll just keep trying.

P.S. He said, with less hesitation than the first time, that he loves me, too. Best. Day. Ever.

P.P.S. The cookies are so good and I want to devour them all. I could barely stop James from eating all of them. Again: Best. Day. Ever.

July 26/21

Dear Jane,

In summary of today:

Happy birthday, Natasha.

James has been given the clear bill of health which is exciting. Also, I asked him about the Jane and gift of God thing.

He knew. “Intuition” and all that. He also said I looked “like a royal dame” in my swimsuit. Smug idiot just trying to be charming.

I love him and that’s the only reason it works.

Back to the festivities.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

Good morning to you and to James who’s still in my bed at a ripe 6:23AM, fast asleep.

Progress. Now, back to sleep.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

It’s now 9:49AM and James greeted me with orange juice and waffles. He said I was cute when I slept. Creep.

He also said he tried so many times to stay in my bed after, before we were like we are now, but he never could, and now he’s upset that he missed out on my cute sleeping/waking up for the day face every time he did so.

He is exceptionally cute when he’s pouting.

I think we’re officially boyfriend-girlfriend, but we’ll work out the semantics on that later. For now, it’s another summer day together. He suggested Chinese takeout for dinner because I have to go dip back into the lab later today to check on some samples.

I agreed and he kissed me in promise like it was our “thing.” I can’t stop smiling like an idiot.

Massive progress.

July 28/21

Dear Jane,

He told me I was the only one for him.

Also, he kissed me in front of our friends for the first time. Natasha yelled “FINALLY” and pushed us into the pool. Sam laughed and then I grabbed him and threw him into the pool. Ensuing: a water fight for the ages.

For a day: 10/10

July 31/21

Hey Jane,

I think I’m happy.

I’m sorry I ever doubted the effects of writing down my feelings.

James has a romantic trip to uptown planned for our first date and he said it’ll take the whole day so I thought I’d get this entry in the morning. I dunno. It’s really early and the happy thought was the first thing that came to my head.

Weird, but it’s a good weird.

See you in a bit.

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literaphobe · 4 years

Text

season one of she-ra rated by catradora content

the sword part 1: right off the bat we find out just what adora’s all about. she’s a so called goody two shoes but she’ll lie to authority to protect catra.... ok lesbian lmao. but then we meet catra and she’s like “hey adora ;) how’s it hanging?” and we get it. we completely get it. oh my god. everything from the way catra talks to the way she laughs. adora never stood a chance :( we get a classic locker room flirting scene where catra teases adora and adora pretends she’s above all that only to be like hey cat gf is that a MOUSE which is very rude :( don’t scare ur cat gf or she will become evil :( oh wait. anyway.... their flirting gets cut short because homophobia walks in and separates them :/ before that tho she praises adora. adora who loves her gf so much ignores shadow weaver’s praise and says “catra did so good tho <3” and puts her arm around catra which pisses off the only homophobe in etheria. adora doesn’t really want to follow shadow weaver because she just wants to be with catra, and she even argues with shadow weaver about bringing catra onto the field with her. but she loses the argument because shadow weaver fucking sucks and has no idea how to be chill :/ catra finds adora after that and greets adora the way all gals greet their pals. by... pouncing on her waist. ok lol. catra is so proud of her gf getting promoted and says baby i love you <3 baby when are we leaving <3 except adora says catra’s not allowed to come :( so cat gf gets sad and runs to the roof. in response, adora gets a literal Grappling Hook to chase after her. adora doesn’t want her gf to be sad so she steals a skiff and they go on a date <3 but they’re so obsessed with control and play fighting with each other that adora falls off the skiff and finds out she’s like. god with a sword. i mean she-ra. uh, so adora fake wakes up in a dream and is like catra? :( because catra is the only thing she ever looks for when she wakes up (yes i am clowning. of course i know catra was the only person she was with but shhhh), and then she wakes up for real and catra is straddling her waist, which... ok. catra worries about her gf maybe being brain damaged so they cut their date short and go back to the fright zone. they go to sleep, and have their nightly sleepover, which means they sleep in the same bed :) even tho catra’s own bed is already on top of adora’s :) superb :) anyway adora dreams about her lesbian sword and wakes up scared. she smiles when she sees catra sleeping soundly in her bed however because uwu cat gf go zzzzz. adora gets out of bed which catra IMMEDIATELY senses because she opens her eyes right after and follows adora. because uh.... their friendship is just that lit and strong. catra is worried and wants to follow her gf to find this cool lesbian sword she keeps talking about, but adora makes perhaps one of the worst calls ever and tells catra to stay behind because she doesn’t want to get catra in trouble :( which is like, she has good intentions and all, but you should always bring your gymnast cat gf along when u look for sick ass gay swords. adora would know that if she wasn’t raised by the literal embodiment of gay oppression. oh well. guess they’re gonna have to fight each other for five seasons to figure it out. 9.5/10 because we got so much content all literally in the first ep. it’s like hey look they’re in love and they’re girlfriends who touch each other way too much. and we’re like noelle that’s really cool! will we get more gf content? and noelle said yes but also you’ve got a big storm coming! and it’s going to kill you!

the sword part 2: against adora’s wishes, catra gets in trouble for adora’s departure, and this makes catra sad bc where did her gf go? :( shadow weaver accuses catra of knowing where adora is because despite her raging homophobia she still knows that adora wouldn’t go anywhere without telling catra. and she’s right but just because she’s right doesn’t mean i have to like her. anyway... catra gets sent to bring adora back to the fright zone, and even tho shadow weaver threatens her in scary horrid ways catra is only happy to see adora again and once again pins her to the ground with her knees on adora’s.... yea........ and she’s happy bc she has a tank :) good for u catra we all love and cherish you <3333 anyway catra makes fun of adora because she thought adora got captured which... technically true but also not but also! catra sees a flower in adora’s hair which she takes to mean that adora cheated on her :( wtf :( and adora says no baby :( no i didn’t cheat on u :( and catra is like. ok fine. let’s go back to the horde. and adora says baby we can’t go back to the horde :( did u know that they were evil? im woke now. come be woke with me. and catra is like. wait. u just realized the horde sucks? did you not see shadow weaver electrocute me. did you think she did that for gay rights? and adora is like catra baby i didn’t mean it like that :( but it’s too late. it’s all very upsetting and i don’t wanna get into it. essentially catra thinks she can escape shadow weaver’s abuse by fighting the horde from within but adora thinks she can escape shadow weaver’s abuse and the horde’s evil by literally escaping the horde. u can see where both of them are coming from and that’s why it’s so sad :( it’s so fucking sad y’all :( they do their whole. come with me vs stay with me thing,,, and it doesn’t work out. duh it’s like ep 2 why would it work out. catra finds out that adora can use her lesbian sword to turn into a taller lesbian and instead of giving into her gayness and marrying adora right away her internalized homophobia makes her run away :( she thought adora doesn’t care about her anymore because she has new friends and can turn into a giant sword lady :( and it’s all very sad :( 8.5/10

razz: adora’s having trouble turning into she-ra. no one asked, but based on this whole show, it’s because she just broke up with catra and that hit hard :( it’s pretty hard to turn into ur superhero alter ego when you’re yearning. back at the horde, catra is also yearning. she is bitter because everyone is raving about how lit she-ra is and catra is like yeah she-ra is sexy but can we have a discussion about how she-ra breaks your heart. how she-ra makes you cry. how she-ra abandons you for new friends and doesn’t want to be your gf anymore? have we considered that? and everyone is confused because why does catra seem like she knows she-ra so well. didn’t you just meet her catra? and even tho catra is a bitter ex who’s angry and wants revenge she’s still like. in love with adora and wants to protect her. so she acts cool and doesn’t tell anyone that adora is she-ra. even tho lonnie tells catra not to be so feral because “adora’s not here to protect you anymore” catra still wants to protect adora. okay. yes the thought of that does make me wanna cry. what about it. catra goes and lies on their shared adora’s bed. and she sees the teeny drawing of catra and adora on the bed frame. it reminds catra of the break up and she scratches adora’s picture. she regrets it like instantly and starts destroying the bed. and she cries. she like cries real tears what the FUCK. and then SHADOW WEAVER WALKS IN?? rude much?? can’t a girl get some privacy as she mourns a break up with a girl she’s been in love with her whole life but technically never dated for real? 9/10

flowers for she-ra: adora realizes that it’s a pretty bad idea to break up with your girlfriend when you spent your whole life sleeping in the same room/same bed as her and she comes to the Very Shocking realization that she gasp! cannot sleep without catra! wow who would have thought! so she immediately goes on a search for a sleeping partner rebound... who is glimmer (sorry glimmer it’s her first time not having her gf) and she even sleeps at glimmer’s feet the way we saw catra sleep at adora’s feet. really makes you wonder if catra and adora take turns doing that? sleeping at each other’s feet because their internalized homophobia (thanks a lot shadow bitch) prevented them from going a step further and sleeping in each other’s arms... oh well. meanwhile, catra is gloating about being force captain, but she’s also Still protecting adora’s identity as she-ra. and apparently, drawing pictures of she-ra? that she hid from shadow weaver? is that what happened? i can’t tell if she drew that picture or not but the way it looks from the scene she Definitely drew that picture! hello????? anyway, catra’s still crying to anyone that has ears about how her gf dumped her, when really it was kind of a mutual break up that was entirely shadow weaver’s fault even tho she wasn’t there. sigh. i’m bringing this up to a 7/10 because of “it’s just a phase! she’s confused, i’ll bring her back, i swear :(“

the sea gate: “i’ve got something more important to do” and here we see the start of catra literally abandoning all other duties because she would rather go flirt with her enemy gf... she literally hopped onto she-ra’s sword.... she insult her gf....... she brag to her gf about achievement.... but she also want her gf back :( adora refuses to go back to the land of oppression tho so they get into a. really suggestive fight. and catra always makes adora leaving the horde out to be adora leaving her.... she’s like babe i am literally so sexy. why would you dump me :( i’m hot :( and she’s right but i hate them. can y’all just like. not be so gay? :/ it’s starting to make me a lil bit homophobic tbh! and catra whispers into adora’s ear but it’s kind of like an insult so she gets water slapped and is forced to stop flirting :( boooo 8.5/10

system failure: hm. catra wasn’t in this ep? damn :( it’s a great ep but it’s pretty hard to find any catradora if adora is delirious the whole time and catra isn’t there. but! drunk/high adora existing gives us an idea of what she would be like around catra. 1/10 for the potential

in the shadows of mystacor: catra’s face when she sees adora in shadow weaver’s spy cam thing... interesting. she also acts like she’s So Sick of the adora missions which is true but also she is lying. kind of annoying that shadow weaver would be like. homophobic. but when she’s messing with adora’s head in mystacor she uses catra’s voice and laugh to achieve maximum effect :/ which like. thanks? but catra wasn’t actually there so shadow weaver really full on gaybaited adora huh :/ adora eventually defeats shadow weaver and we finally see catra again uwu she ends up plotting to kidnap bow and glimmer but the line “if you want to take down adora, you have to go for the heart” is so interesting because we eventually find out just how much of adora’s heart is filled with catra... 4/10 on its own 6/10 if you let the heart comment ruin your life!

princess prom: ARE Y’ALL READY TO PARTY oh my god,,, this is it you guys. this is THE ep. so funny of adora to be like. i have so many plans for every single thing that might happen. i am GOING to spend the party getting princess frosta to join the rebellion. and then catra shows up and adora is like nvm. what if i followed catra wherever she went instead. which is very interesting! adora, sweet baby, why do you always assign yourself to fight/follow/chase catra? when according to her in future eps is actually a bad decision which we can infer from her saying stuff like catra knows my every move she will be able to take me down,, ok then stop hogging her all the time?? anyway. let’s get into things chronologically. “how dare those princesses pretend they’re better than you? just because you’re different? how dare they abandon people just because they don’t fit in with their perfect little lives? how DARE they take best friends and turn them into giant sword ladies who run off with people clearly inferior to you?!” catra.... u got sth to say there buddy? :/ u got something u wanna get off your chest? :/ u had us in the beginning but then you started to get really specific :/ what’s that about sweetie :/ catra’s coping mechanism for this is to put on a really hot suit and going to princess prom to seduce the shit outta adora? fucking genius. yes she also kidnapped two people but let’s focus on the ingenuity of catra’s plan to make adora hot and heavy and also somehow jealous the entire time. incredible. so, catra shows up at the prom with scorpia and adora immediately starts bickering with her about rules. she fails to get catra kicked out so she resolves to stalk her instead! and catra... oh catra... she puts on a whole show..... performing everything from popping a tiny cake into her mouth to circling around a pillar seductively and dropping a note into a bin that says hi adora >:3 with a drawing of catra’s face that she worked hard on!! and adora looks like a crazy stalker ex gf and everyone is like damn.... u ok? :/ but adora doesn’t have time to care too much aside from a little “haha i swear i’m not a weirdo!” look because her mind is just screaming CATRA CATRA CATRA and she finds catra creeping up to entrapta. but ofc catra’s not trying to push entrapta off the ledge! no! she’s using entrapta to make adora jealous :3 catra pulls entrapta close and says “she stole my food and then asked me to spy on people with her. is this what love feels like?” and it WORKS and adora has to pull entrapta aside and be all hey i know we’re not super close yet but the bro code kinda states that u don’t date ur friend’s ex :/ so could you please back off? and entrapta is like say what now? ur gf just ditched btw so adora goes running after catra again and surprise surprise! it’s time to dance! and there are romantic lights and music! and uh oh! everyone else has a partner except for catra! guess this means adora’s gotta dance with her ohhhhh noooooooo :/ “i don’t know about you.... but i am having a blast” i really don’t think catra was lying!! i am on the verge of passing out!! adora moving away from catra after saying “whatever it is you’re planning, it won’t work!” and catra, many dance partners later, slamming back into adora’s body to continue their conversation with “maybe my plan won’t work, but then again...” THE DIP!!!!!!! “maybe it already has...” oh my god you guys. what the fuck. like they get into an angry shove fight after this but the tension! the tension! and then adora LIFTS catra up in the air? real close? they get ice blocked by frosta after this, more specifically she traps adora because she shoved catra first djfjdjdjdjd,,, after telling glimmer to find bow catra grazes adora’s chin with her tail to remind her that she’s still here!! don’t neglect!! and catra says the iconic “it was fun distracting you though ;)” line that adora was clearly affected by because she memorizes it and says it back to catra..... years later. i CANNOT make any of this shit up. what the fuck y’all. the fact that these evaluations are so long bother me but i HAVE to call these hoes out!! moving on, adora runs after catra in a very dramatic chase/fight scene, and adora is very amped up on uh, hormones. she catches catra at a “dead end” and goes “hah! trapped >:)” which is such a stupid thing to say to ur cat gf who can jump very high, so catra says “you wish ;)” and it is just. everything they are saying sounds very suggestive okay why are they LIKE THIS anyway catra jumps up some floating ice and adora follows her up the floating ice because she’s gay and she will jump however much is required of her to chase her gf down ok!! and so adora and catra are now on some ice cliff where adora keeps lunging and they’re also kind of like dancing? and catra is being very ~smooth~ dodging all of adora’s strikes and hitting her in one move. that’s kind of cool but also don’t bully your gf :( come on catra :( not cool :( but adora doesn’t give up and they continue fighting, until one missed move from catra nearly sends her off the cliff. but adora thinks she’s hot and she’s in love with her so she’s like nooo catra don’t fall off this cliff ur so sexy aha and catches her by. the waist. not the hand! but by the waist. any normal person would’ve gone for the hand. factually speaking, catra’s hand is easier to reach than her waist. but adora’s a hoe. so, she grabs catra by the waist and pulls her in closer by grabbing! oh you guessed it! her chest! like she grabs her shirt but it’s the part of the shirt that was at the chest. what the fuck. they both get this look in their eye that makes it seem like they want to kiss each other???? hello????????? and like. very upsettingly we now know that they’ve always wanted to kiss each other so. that knowledge makes watching this scene even worse. they shouldn’t have become enemies if they were going to be this horny. they’re so distracted by each other’s lips that they forget they’re standing at the edge of a cliff and guess what! they fall off the cliff! what a twist! but adora is like i’m NOT going to die because i was distracted by catra’s lips, so she grabs her hair stick thing and stabs it into the ice cliff. she grabs catra by the hand to save her, not the waist this time, because holding catra’s hand is also gay so she might as well do it. too bad catra lets go of her hand and ditches her tho :( i would minus points for that except it wouldn’t make much of a difference. catra says “see you later, princess ;)” because she’s already expecting to see adora again.... good lord 4828473737373/10 thanks noelle! i died

no princess left behind: but i’m a buddhist so i’m back. we open with catra laughing so prettily looking at her gf’s lesbian sword. very cute. later on, when shadow weaver betrays catra and tells her to go pack her things because she’s not needed anymore... adora gives her this look? :( she looks like she feels bad because catra’s clearly still suffering under shadow weaver’s thumb. but let’s zero in on the most important part! catra dragging the sword and pointing it at adora, before turning it around and giving it to her. “this is NOT because i like you” ok catra i didn’t think that before but now i Absolutely believe that you did this because you like adora. and u can tell adora kind of is like. ready to start her whole “you can come with me! we can be together! :(“ thing but things are complicated and catra told her to Just Go so... it is a lot and we know things are deeper than just catra liking adora but we will get emo over that later. 9/10 that was a good fucking scene

the beacon: “she left me behind too, like i was nothing :(“ some people say this is catra manipulating entrapta, and they are correct, but also she’s like.. “oh adora left you too? mad kin :(“ she was deadass about to start a support group with entrapta and technically she kind of did! good for them <3 catra goes to look for first ones tech and adora goes to look for the beacon to learn how to heal and guess what happens! they’re looking for the same place! catra’s “on second thought... hey adora >;)” at the end pushes this up to an 8/10, but that’s just like the last five seconds of the ep so objectively the rest of the ep was like. 4/10 idk lmaoooo

promise: finally some good fucking food. catra follows adora into the beacon and has a little fun spying on her and enjoying her epic fails at getting information on she-ra. she also finds the first one tech she needs, because she’s a multitasker and she can spy on her gf while doing important missions <3 but also she gets caught and adora nearly kills her fksjdjd “hey watch it! >:(“ is so funny because catra??? u are trespassing???? but also uwu baby yeah don’t accidentally kill ur gf adora :( adora’s reaction is also very funny “catra? what are you doing here? :O” as if catra hasn’t shown up at 70% of the places adora has been, but the way she asks it’s like. adora is happy to see catra? pleasantly surprised? man she is whipped. anyway, adora tries to pull the Tough Girlfriend move and like, mildly scold catra for trespassing into a building where only one person (she-ra) is allowed to be in. but she still grabs catra’s hand and guides her to an escape path :’) she lifts up a giant door thing and waits until catra runs in to let go and run after her <3 chivalry isn’t dead after all <3 they get into a lover’s tiff as they run for their lives and essentially it’s like “babe wtf WHY are giant mutant spiders trying to kill us isn’t this ur house” “they’re trying to kill YOU this is why you ring the doorbell instead of running in secretly after i open the door!” “oh and how was i supposed to know that! why can’t you just tell your teenage mutant ninja spiders to chill out??” “they’re not house-trained babe :( i moved in two minutes ago they came with the apartment” anyway the angry spider monsters catch up to them so catra goes “adora? :(“ and that’s enough for adora to take Direct Action so she slashes the walls and ceiling of the room they’re in before grabbing catra to shield them both. she is NOT getting her deposit back but uwu anything to keep gf safe <3 adora transforms back to her usual body and she once again reminds catra that she’s Not Supposed To Be Here and she’s like “god now i have to like Protect You and it’s gonna put my life in danger :/ haha what are you gonna do for me in return tho ;)” and catra is like. “well good thing i didn’t ASK you to protect me” so adora is like :( —> >:( wait u know what??? ok u know what????? why are u here >:( how’d u find me?? >:( and do u mean any of this in a gay way?? >:( say it’s in a gay way right now >:( and catra is like. ur gay castle sent a gay beam of light into the sky. i saw it immediately bc im gay but i do NOT mean this in a gay way. and adora is like oh :( ok :’( and then asks about shadow weaver bc she saw what went down in the horde and she like. i think she can tell shadow weaver still exerts some form of control that catra hasn’t broken free from? :( and then catra is like haha shadow weaver is a LOSER and adora starts giving her Gay Looks and it makes catra scared because her gf now thinks she has a crush on her!!!!!!! how Embarrassing!! “ugh, i knew you’d be weird about me letting you escape” ok so why did you say that thing about not liking her? “i told you it’s not because i like you!” there it is! that’s EXACTLY what i thought you’d say you lesbian! and the way she says it??? she definitely likes adora???? she is so bad at lying?????? and adora is so smug about it like her Face plus her crossed arms and the whole “i mean, i didn’t ;) i didn’t say anything ;)” her eyes.... your honor she’s gay...... she’s like what if we were in my secret castle..... standing amongst the rubble because i destroyed the infrastructure to protect you..... and we were both girls....... adora was Ready to turn her sword into a Bed right then and there ok!!! it’s not me it’s Her Eyes,,, anyway catra starts being salty again and brings up bow and glimmer and is like hey where’s those idiots u dumped me for :/ thought you looooooved hanging out with them and doing everything with them :/ like we used to :/ are they not as fun to hang out with adora is that why you’re standing in this spider infested building with me instead :/ and adora suddenly remembers that she can’t just be horny and that she has to hold catra accountable for her actions so she’s like oh my friends? the ones who u kidnapped and held for ransom???? >:( and catra is like ya what other friends would i be talking about :/ like god i know she’s evil but she’s so funny take her back adora :( jk ik ur gonna start begging her to Come With You in like minutes u absolute simp. but before that happened catra was like fuck u lets Split Up >:( we already broke up why would we run away from spiders together huh? unless u still like me? but clearly there’s only one way for them to walk so they can’t split up just yet and adora gives catra this >:( look so catra is like FINE one last date and they walk away together. they go into this... dark room and catra wants to leave the dark room because she’s scared of ghosts :( jk but the door disappears and something scans catra and adora and light hope is like cool! time to show them memories that are specifically picked to make catra resent adora! which :( not cool light hope :( i get that ur a bot who’s programmed to serve the homophobic agenda but damn u were gay once too :( anyway they’re sent to a memory in the fright zone and adora gets Angry bc she thinks catra tricked her and catra is like i wouldn’t play u like that :( and she finds out it’s all fake so she’s like adora :D u don’t have to be scared or mad at me anymore! :D she goes to look for adora but adora’s watching a memory of them when they were six and being really cute. back when adora had the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair and only really cared about making catra happy and having her back. catra blinded octavia and insulted her and adora was still like: ur not bleeding ur bones aren’t broken and u picked a pointless fight with someone who did not provoke you in any way. where is she i will insult her some more. i love u. like damn adora really do be a ride or die girl huh!! she’s still like this but they both have too many issues to realize it :( anyway catra and adora slip into the catra and adora of their memories and begin running off together holding hands............ and then they Realize they’re running off together Holding Hands....... and catra pulls away because of her internalized homophobia :( devastating. they get into a tiny little fight over magic and kidnapping again and then adora’s face softens and she’s like catra :( why Did you let me escape :( i know i made fun of u for it before but i legit do not know if u meant it in a gay way. pls confirm? :( u could have gotten caught catra :( why did u risk it :( is it because you secretly want to run away with me and join the rebellion? :( and be my gf? :( she’s so caught up in her questions that she nearly falls off a cliff AGAIN and catra catches her by the hand because these girls are obsessed with almost falling off cliffs to their deaths and saving each other. don’t judge them their Intricate Rituals are THAT deep. and catra is like. did you really think. i would let shadow weaver erase your memory like that? and risk you forgetting our relationship? even towards the end when we were broken up and fighting each other it was kinda lit and i want u to remember it. and adora is an idiot so she’s like idk lmao probably aren’t u like evil now and catra is like well you have a point but also fuck u for thinking i don’t care about u,,, u never did have too much faith in me :( and adora is like can u blame me :( and catra is like ur hot so.... no. i will let my tail linger on your hand as a hint that i still love you. and then catra is like.... adora i know u said fuck horde rights but does that include our relationship :( u had good memories right :( of me? :( and adora is like um duh??? i miss you so goddamn much too oh my god and catra is like hey how dare you imply that i missed you even tho it’s true!!! get over urself! and adora is like not until you admit you like me ;) and they play fight again because the rituals are so intricate..... and catra lies and says she doesn’t like adora ok lmao... they enter the next memory and it’s catra and adora sparring and they’re competitive but it’s also flirty? catra pretends to be hurt to get adora to let her guard down but lonnie interferes and this causes adora to beat catra. which. yeah :( and after adora wins she does the good gf thing where she asks catra if she’s okay and catra’s not ok but she lies and hides away to cry :( and we get it babe we do!! it’s hard being in love with someone who you’re also resentful of because you’re raised in a competitive environment and always treated like you’re worthless in comparison :( but the simulation stops and catra is caught by one of the spiders and adora doesn’t manage to save her in time, grabbing her hand only to fail and have catra slip through her fingers :( they scream for each other but catra manages to get the upper hand on the spider monster, except adora charges in at the last second and delivers the final blow, further driving home the false point that light hope is trying to make :( adora just wants to protect catra but because of their upbringing catra sees it as adora always wanting to be the best and adora thinking she’s better than catra hence her telling catra what to do “all the time” which isn’t totally true but it’s what catra has been led to believe :( and also adora’s upbringing plays into it too because she thinks she has to save everyone and take responsibility for everything and it’s all just really sad bros :( what the fuck :( adora apologizes for leaving again and tries to convince catra she never meant to leave her and that she wants catra to come with her because she knows catra isn’t a bad person :( and you can see!! catra considering it!! but then precisely BECAUSE catra is considering it the memory simulation thing kicks in again and... hoo boy. we see catra and adora sneak into the black garnet chamber, after being cute and competitive and running around the horde swinging from wire to wire.... they get caught by shadow weaver and she specifically punishes only catra. and it’s so fucked because it puts adora in this position of guilt where she always feels like she has to protect adora whilst slowly brainwashing her over the years into believing that catra does do disobedient things and that adora can only escape that if she’s always perfect and taking charge of everything. and for catra.... it takes the mutually loving relationship they have and poisons it because shadow weaver makes it very clear that to her, catra’s only redeeming quality is that adora favors her? and if not for that she would be disposed of? and so it’s very hard for catra to find individuality and a healthy connection to adora which created unresolved resentment and issues and just... :( and the whole confrontation they have after the simulation ends... adora could never protect catra in the way she needed to be protected because adora was also a child, and receiving a different form of abuse, and it’s just. harder for catra to leave? especially because she didn’t receive a sudden destiny the way adora did and her issues with the horde were never limited to morality. and so catra is just. she has way too much to work through and she can’t see past her resentment for adora because the machine is making her remember all of it. and so she tells a half truth and half lie to adora about giving her the sword because she didn’t want adora to come back :( catra runs away from adora and is attacked by flashes of memory. and then she faces one last memory alone. and it’s the promise adora made to catra when they were kids, about always looking out for each other, and catra looks at kid!catra and thinks adora has broken that promise, still stinging from the hurt of adora leaving her behind after finding the sword and becoming she-ra. it was never meant to be like this but catra is hurting so she focuses only on her side of things and how she saw these events play out and she :( decides to kind of betray adora? it hurts So Much because adora looks so hopeful when she sees catra while hanging on for dear life, and she thinks catra will save her again but catra talks about how the sword won’t work for her because she’s never been the Special One like adora was always heralded to be in the horde. and having adora literally be she-ra just drives that point home for catra and she hates adora for it because this means all the other stuff she believes is true too. adora made her feel weak on purpose, adora made catra think she needed her on purpose. “every hero needs a sidekick, right?” and adora’s “catra, no, that’s not how it was!” hits even harder now because we know that adora just. loved catra. she was in love with her but adora was also like catra in that she’s a product of her circumstances and upbringing. she was the way she is as a means of survival. but the one thing there that was pure and true was that they loved each other.... upsettingly neither of them can see that. catra goes down even further into the path of evil and thinks that. being free of adora. is the thing that will liberate her and bring her happiness. which. she is wrong about. but she can’t exactly see all that clearly right now :( and adora begging catra not to “do this” which... means she’s begging her not to leave? “bye adora! i really am going to miss you” and adora’s desperation skyrockets but it’s too late :( catra doesn’t come back for her and adora cries.... and it’s just so insane that literally everyone who wants to control adora focuses on poisoning her bond with catra because that’s the relationship that... matters most to her in the world. when you’ve loved someone your whole life it hurts when they betray you and it hurts to betray them too, as we can see from catra when she arrives back at the horde. she essentially looks Wrecked and freezes up when scorpia calls her “the best friend ever!” but i want to make one quick note of her “personal space” talk with scorpia? like fjdjdjdjd you have never had personal space with adora not once in your life ok that’s reserved for the gf only i see. 10/10 i am so wrecked emotionally this is way too much but also because it makes me so emo i will give it a perfect score but nothing else. no bonus points because i do not want to reward putting me in pain!

light hope: light hope showing adora the memories that make her feel guilty and it’s the first scene where catra sees her as she-ra and walks away.... adora’s been feeling guilty over catra since the moment she failed at getting catra to leave the horde :( 3/10

the battle of bright moon: “catra will be leading the horde when they attack. i have to face her.” it’s so interesting how there’s so many pressing things at hand? the weather is screwy, the alliance is broken, no one’s coming to save them, the rebellion could be crushed, but the thing that is really bothering adora, the thing that she brings up first, is catra. “i saw catra in there. i thought i could get through to her, but all i did was push her farther to the side of evil” she sounds... so heartbroken about it all :( catra and adora meet on the battlefield and the first thing catra says is,,, u guessed it,,,, “hey adora.” and adora’s like “catra. surprised to see me?” and like damn they’re really so good at being enemies. the talent. the tension. impeccable. and then catra says nah i didn’t think u died and im glad u made it out alive. and adora, bless her soul, is like oh.... u mean in a gay way..... u didn’t want me to die..... for homosexual reasons?? and catra is like no! haha! i uh, i just wanted to kill u in a cooler much sexier way. and adora is like oh :( oh >:( oh >:’( and they get into a very heated sexy fight like catra wanted. and they taunt each other like. “i thOUgHt yOU weRe suPposED tO bE stRoNG” “aND i tHouGHt yOu wERe sUpPOsEd tO bE fAst” you know. very cool well crafted taunts. and like. they fight a lot which is kind of sad but also kind of sexy because their styles are like? similar and different? which is the dumbest way to compare any two things ever but like :( y’all get what i mean right :( we get one more Hanging Off A Cliff scene and this time adora grabs catra by the chest and shoves her against the wall, and catra is like cool! but u did this,, for what? and then adora realizes catra was just distracting her Again and bright moon is very badly under attack :( catra bids her adieu so adora can run back and fight. but she like. gets caught :( and catra walks up to her and gently caresses her cheek before adora passes out and it’s evil but it’s also tender? but it’s also evil i know i know :( all of the princesses come to help adora so she sends a beam of magic gay light and heals everything and then all the princesses send a gay tsunami washing over catra. the horde loses, and catra retreats in a skiff, but adora and catra exchange one more Look as she leaves... hm. 9/10

#text #she ra #catradora #spop #this post... is so stupidly long #its essentially like a recap shitpost #but i give it a score out of 10 #i considered redoing the whole post but :(#it is what it is:(#hope y'all like this #please at least find this mildly entertaining #i hope to god the read more thing doesn't break #because...... this is long apologies in advance #hope its not too hard to read

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the-second-tonks · 3 years

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Hi! I was hoping to request something for the game!

Basics: I am 5’7”, cancer (I don’t believe in zodiacs because I’m like the opposite), Slytherin, ENTP, enneagram type 8. I’m Chaotic, sassy, sarcastic, dramatic, mean and a raging feminist. I also, and I quote, “act as if you drank 14 cups of coffee and used red bull as creamer” (Credits to my sister)

Looks: Skinny body type (i got nothing😭) hella pale, brown hair with red highlights, and hazel eyes that change color.

My Good/Bad Side: Some of my worst traits are selfishness, stubbornness, jealousy, vindictiveness, being manipulative, and rage. Some of my good traits are my intelligence, creativity, resourcefulness, and humor (which is very dark and sometimes offensive) Overall, I’m a pretty chill person but if you anger or provoke me the only advice I have is to run🙂

Fun Facts/Miscellaneous: I am Pagan/Wiccan and have an unhealthy obsession with collecting rocks and shells (and reading fanfics but let’s not worry about that🥴) I’m Moldovan and Romanian is my first language. I get like either no sleep or sleep until noon and I’m a big over-thinker and have anxiety. Believe me or not, but I can in fact see auras (if I concentrate but also sorta unfocus my eyes kinda; it’s weird) I am secretly touch-starved and a hopeless romantic. I am pretty social (or at least social enough to have 2 friends; I don’t think people need them though.) love being alone to have time to myself for reading, writing, drawing, playing video games, and listening to music.

(also for the s/o thingy I think you shipped me with Loki a while back but I’m fine with someone else if needed)

hoping that wasn’t too much😬

Hii ! Umumum... I did ship you once I remember lol ... but you unfollowed me ? Okay but try not doing it the next time or else I'll delete the game ask with the ship since I can't go against my rules :) . Yes , I still find Loki a good match for you ! Wow ! Can see you see auras online too ? Sorry if that sounded stupid but I'm dying to know my aura !

Coming back to your ship thank you for participating !

Your power is

Mind manipulation

Definitely , you cannot change my mind . It suits you very well . This power allows you to manipulate someone's mind as you wish it to . You can control them , get to know everything from them . This power is definitely useful for the Avengers . I think Nick Fury's gonna find you and propose you to be in the Avengers . You'll be one of the strongest addition in the team . Your way of working is quite different because mostly the Avengers attack physically while you'll attack someone mentally. Now , point to be noted is that you need immense concentration/intese emotions towards that person to penetrate someone's mind and you wouldn't be able to penetrate someone properly if that person is also someone like you . Also, no one of your kind can read your mind too , not just because you're one of them but because you are very powerful in it.

Your life with the Avengers

Your early life . You would be a simple orphan with strange powers that you tend to hide. You'd be the girl sitting in the corner , reading silently . You wrote each and every strange happenings which happened due to your power . You always knew you had some powers due to the coincidences of you wishing someone to do something and them doing it . The intese emotion was rage most of the time . You still kept it a secret until a man with black skin and black clothes took you . Confused as hell , you tried using your power but he put a blindfold on your eyes . Welcoming you to the Avengers by opening your blindfold , yoy met someone with a surname similar to yours , Maximoff .(I'm sorry if you didn't like this idea) . You , Pietro and Wanda were triplets . You all met in the Age of Ultron until you and Wanda lost your elder brother Pietro . Thor would be your good friend , which would make you visit Asgard and other places , encountering Loki. He and you would usually have sarcasm battles but your humours would match a lot , dark and sometimes offensive .

Now , being with Wanda from the attack for vision's stone to helping her break the time stone , you bonded over the years you both had lost . But , vision's death had broken her already . Being for her throughout the time , you entered the new mission of bringing everyone back. You battled Thanos , bringing everyone back . But loosing loki was another loss for you. (Okay I exactly don't know but..) being a pagan , you tried to communicate with Loki , succeeding in it . Even though you knew he was dead here , he was still there in AU .

Your bestfriend would be

Natasha Romanoff !

"Nat , can you please pass me a glass of water?" You asked while continuing to play the video game . "Do you think it's so easy to distract me ?" Nat questioned back , smirking at you while continuing to play , knowing she was winning . "Yes , in think it is.." you sass her , but she simply smiles . Pushing your hand a bit , she begins the daily push-fight between you both . Pushing her back , you start laughing , followed by Natasha . The pushing continued until you literally fell of the couch , the console falling from your hand . You chuckle , surprised at how she won the fight you always won . Getting up and purposely pushing her down , you try to knock the console in ther hand ,but in vain . Deciding to break the console instead , you sit on it , Natasha laughing . Suddenly , you heard Tony's voice "That's one of the costliest game consoles !" ..cue both of you laughing harder than earlier ..

Your s/o would be

Loki Odinson !

"Oh , hello Y/N , as always , you look ravishing!" Loki commented from behind you , as you took in the wonderful view in front of you . "Thank you , Loki. You look ugly , as always " you faked smile and continued to enjoy the scenery which was slowly changing into night . "Now , I know that's a big lie , y/n . Pretty girls don't lie . Is this what your midgard technology teaches you? " he smirked with that . You decided to sass him and spoke "Once an old lady told me the same thing . I called her a hypocrite and unplugged her life support " . His smirk simply grew as he spoke "I like it" . It annoyed you to the moon , but bought a smile on your face anyways . You continued to talk with him as his hands made his way around your shoulder and your head laid on his chest. He kissed your brown hair, digging into the highlights with his nose at the solace of finally having you in his arms . Being together with your boyfriend , your love , you stood enjoying the time . Later at night , you were reading a book when Loki entered . He smiled at your figure reading the book so interestingly . He walked over to you while you were on your bed ,took the book from you and read it for both of you while he laid his head on your lap , your hands running through his dark hair. You knew he was doing this so that you could stop overthinking and spend some time together . Ofcourse , he had foreseen something he hadn't told you .

The next morning , or you can say , afternoon , you woke up on the bed alone . Ofcourse , Loki had left already . Smiling at the thought of what happened yesterday , how loki took care of you and you both spent time together, you began writing the dear diary .

I hope you liked it !

Thank you for participating !

#marveledit #marvelheroes #marvel ships #marvel #loki x reader #loki layfeyson x reader #loki of asgard #natahsa romanoff #natasha romanoff #tani plays games #tani's friend #game for you all #Bea 👯‍♀️#ship requests #ship request

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starr-fall-knight-rise · 4 years

Text

Humans are Space Orcs, “Honor.”

So translating my own language is a bitch. Yes I know I don’t have to do it, but also it is more fun that way. Although I added in translations for everyone accept on one or two parts on purpose. But you can still enjoy it, no need to worry. you don’t need to know the language to read this!

Also this is an action scene so it’s cool. Go on read it :)

You know that feeling where you studied for an exam and you thought that you knew the material, but then you get into the exam and it turns out you had no idea what you were doing?

Yeah, this is nothing like that.

Well, I mean it kind of is, but the result of screwing up is death and not a stern talking to from your parents about being more focused. Then again, perhaps I would get a stern talking to form Hijan.

When we crest over the hill --not gonna lie-- I feel like I’m going to shat myself. Granted loose bowels has never been a problem of mine, generally I have a pretty impressive butt clenching ability, you sort of have to as a fighter pilot, but this is a whole different level of terrifying.

It’s like one of those old movies where the hero is tied up by his hands hooked onto a rail line in a slaughterhouse and they are watching as the spinning blades slowly get closer and closer to their junk.

What I am saying is it’s like walking towards a meat grinder. The Drev are aggressive and violent spinning blades at each other, four arms flailing as they crash into teach other with the clattering of steel. Right in front of my eyes I watch as one of our clam members is violently speared through the throat after a minute slip up with his form work.

HE falls to the ground wide eyed and choking.

His opponent nods before continuing on his way.

Holy shit! Fuck!

Shit Shit shit!

“Nahasinsazh!”

Our group breaks into a slow job, and then into a full out sprint. I struggle to keep up, but surprisingly I manage to keep time. The Drev are bigger and stronger, but I'm smaller and more nimble, and I navigate the rocks faster. I make sure not to be at the front. I know that I won't be able to take that first hit.

The fighting line rises up in my vision.

And then the world erupts around me.

The first clash is so violent that I more than expectit to rent the earth and shake the very foundations to where I stand. A shape looms over me and I duck just in time for a spear to go cything past my head. My maneuver is followed by an absolute eruption of steel on steel. Hijan catches his spear on the shaft of her weapon and violently shoves him back. I see an opening to attack, but then that moment is gone.

I’m not sure If i can just kill someone like that.

“Tsata! Laza tach Zheengish!” Fight or yourclan

I’m still not sure about the clan, but…. I can do anything for Hijan.

My feet skidd over bare rock as a spear cuts towards my head. I dodge to the side again and Hijan takes the brunt of the force, but I use her distraction to rush inwards thrusting my spear point forward.

I feel it as it cuts through flesh, a jolting ripping sensation that vibrates up through the shaft of the spear and then into my hands.

The Drev warrior looks up at me with surprise on his face as I draw the spear from the wound and orange icor begins pouring down his front. Looking at his eyes, he doest sem scared, merely shocked. A shco which is replaced with…

Satisfaction

Peace

Hope?

I don’t know as I am drawn away from him a moment later and into the tide of the battle.

My feet pass over rough hewn stone as Hijan and I fight her acting as the muscle while I act as the spearhead.

Things are working out for the most part though my heart pounds in my ears making it difficult to hear anything but the pulsing of my own blood. HIjan turns to catch another spear with hers, and I turn to take the offensive when I hear a war cry from behind me. I turn eyes widening just in time as a spear point trusts towards my head. I throw myself to the side as the massive leaf blade bites into the ground where I just stood.

The hulking silver goliath stands over me his wide orange eyes filled with battle rage.

He swings his spear again, and the tip of the spear scythes past my stomach casting sparks as it goes.

I roll backwards landing on my back in the moss and rolling to the side only to gain my feet.

I look around for Hijan, but don’t Immediately see her.

The battle cry comes again, and I turn watching as another wild swing rockets towards my head.

He is using stone technique. It is slow and precise but when it hits it hits like a freight train. I raise my spear at the last moment, and when that downward momentum makes contact, I am plowed right into the dirt. The stele of my armor cracks against the stone and I can feel the ground give way under my shoulders and back. The power is incredible like getting hit by a speeding bullet train/

I have no idea how I manage to block it, and hold him off me.

His beak is just inches from my face, his wide orange eyes staring.

He presses downward with all his might, and I scream as I try to push him off me.

I watch him flinch as the power of my voice vibrates his ears.

Hmm, gonna have to remember that for later… if there is a later.

My arms tremble as I hold him away fro me. If he gets smart and stops pushing and just strikes I am done for.

I need a distraction.

Ah that’s a good idea.

I spit directly into his eye.

He was not expecting that one bit and reels back in shock.

I kick him square in the fork of the legs. I am not entirely sure if Drev have balls. I mean I heard their reproduction is similar to that of humans, so It can’t have been a nice feeling, and he doesn’t seem to like it leaping back onto his feet and staggering backwards. I come at him again, darting towards his side.

My hands are still throbbing from the last impact, my fingers are almost numb.

I catch him on the back of the knee and he roars in pain and panic crippling is far worse than death to a drev, however in his fear, I only make him more angry, he lunges for me, so fast and so wild that I barely have time to dodge out of the way.

I hit the ground again, spending way too much time here. The spar is thrust towards me. It cut s into the ground at my side. Near my shoulder

And between my knees as I scramble backwards.

I kick the shaft of the spear catching him off balance standing as…. A spear sprouts through the center of his chest. I can hear the horrible crunching noise the ripping of flesh as the spear is drawn back out, and he falls dead to the ground.

Hijan holds up her weapon covered in orange blood.

I am breathing hard.

She steps forward and I scramble up into her shadow. We are back together again, and like before we are back as a unit, cutting through the whirling crowd with near impunity.

But I can see that the battle isn’t going well, at least not for our side.

Hijan and I are now surrounded. Three of them and only two of us.

I didn’t actually believe I was going to die here.

But why hadn’t I thought that

It was a distinct possibility.

I realized at that moment that maybe I hadn’t had the respect for their culture that I should have. Did I think it was just some kind of fun game, go down for a little fun and then come hoe with some cool stories to tell. No, I was entering a warzone. I had made myself part of a clan and that meant that I had to either ride or die with it.

All around us comes the screaming of the dying and the moaning of the near dead. Bodies litter the ground, the air above us is filled with the little white moss spores kicked up like a cloud of dust.

Hijan and I retreated falling up against a short rock face. Pink moss climbs up it’s side.

Three attackers come in fast. I block one and she blocks the other, but the third spear catches her hard on one of her back armored plates.

My blood runs cold as I hear hijan scream in agony.

I spin on the spot kicking the third attacker away.

Hijan is on the ground, she isn’t bleeding but a spear is headed straight towards her chest.

I fully admit that I don’t feel adrenaline rushes easily.

I think it is a product of my flight training, but at that moment I don’t think. The world around me goes red my vision tightening to a single point blac around the edges.

My lips go light and it feels as if my entire body is held up by a thousand balloons or a gravity generator making me less than half my weight but twice as strong.

Before I know it I have leaped in font of the downward cut catching the blade on my spear. Metal rings, sparks fly.

Three more spears come in contact with the shaft of my weapon.

I see their eyes widen their bodies falter.

As one single human holds all three of them off. My vision darkens, goes even more read as I hear Hijan behind me. I remember who I am protecting, and I scream. Power like nothing I had ever felt surges through my body. The kind of power that can rip your body in half if you're not careful enough.

And I throw them off me.

Three Drev weigh almost three hundred or more pounds each, and I throw them off me. Two of them stagger away and trip backwards, and one of them is lifted half a foot from the ground and thrown more than two feet backwards.

All the muscles in my body are on ire, my legs to my back to my shoulders and biceps.

Even the muscles in my chest and abs are screaming.

And then it hits.

I am going in for another attack when a second wave of our Drev come barreling through. They take over the field like a tidal wave absolutely demolishing any who stand in their way.

I am left standing in the moss breathing hard, gasping for air.

I look down at myself only now realizing that I am bleeding. I know the blood is mine because it’s red, though I don’t feel anything.

More shuffling on the rocks behind me, and I turn.

“Hian!” I rush over kneeling next to her as she slowly sits up.

One of her hands is gently clutching the back plate which took the brunt of the impact.

I brush away her hands to look,, though I am not sure what I am looking for.

“Tsa Jirhash?” I prod at the injury

She winces but brushed me off

“Je je zhe ta’anini.”

I know she is going to live, but I worry she is going to be crippled. I know what that means.

She must see the fear in my eyes for she takes my hand and holds it between two of hers. Her eyes are wrinkled the way that Drev do when they smile.

“Tsa zheengish yahan. zhe leeni.” I feel my face flush just a bit. Her pride in me is…. Well it’s almost overwhelming. I realize now that the battle is over, the adrenaline starts to wear off and my hands begin to shake.

My legs are twitching so badly, that I have to take to my knees so I don’t fall over. My breathing comes in hard gasps.

Pain is returning to me, and I realize why I am bleeding.

There are cuts on my face and parts of my arms where the armor does not exist. The straps that hold on my armor leave deep bruises. My hands throb as do my bones/ Hijan pulls me a bit closer to her examining me herself as I kneel on the moss.

Looking for some cool air, I pull off my helmet letting a cool breeze blow over me.

My throat buns as I look towards the sky. The distant battle is beginning to fade.

As we kneel there on the moss, I turn to watch as our sentinel steps over broken bodies. He is painted in orange and his eyes are bright with the glee of a last battle.

“Lodnajasta.” The two of us bow our heads respectfully as he comes over

He looks down at me with surprise, “Tsa aninish. “ He seems almost impressed, and then he ruins it, “tsa dadarish yahanan huka zhe takasi tsa dee.” you did better than I thought you would.

Well thanks for that bro

I watch his expression fall a bit, and in surprise I turn to find Hijan glowering at him.

Raise an eyebrow incredulously as I turn back to look at the sentinel.

He looks almost apologetic, “Tsa yaheen zhankeel datasajish.” you showed great honor.”

He turns and walks away, his back stiff.

I wait for him to leave before I begin to laugh incredulously and turn to look at my companion, “Hijan. Nin tsa darish.” What did you do!

She looks almost sheepish.”nee nehzhankeelan datadich.” He was being dishonorable

She had to be insane.

She reminded me way too much of my mother in that moment.My mom would call out the president if he disrespected one of her children, and apparently so too would Hijan

I take her hand and smile, “zhe tatazi zhe tsa rekazi.”

Her eyes wrinkle again and she takes my hand.

Hijan was one of the best people/drev I had ever known.

If anything happened to her I would probably go on a homicidal rampage John Wick style.

But barring that, I was getting some great ideas.

Sunny needed to meet hijan like yesterday

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faeofheart · 3 years

Text

@1396 said: Shipping meme : 2, 5, 8, 12 and 16! <3

SHIPPING MEME. ( hopefully this was the right one rip )

what sort of things does your muse look for in a partner?

it's funny, this one is kind of hard to answer because i don't actually have that many ships with jamie, and it also depends on the context. is this a serious relationship, with real feelings involved? or is this a relationship where jamie knows that feelings aren't really an option and will always ( most likely ) be one sided?

and for the most part, they aren't really... i mean, i could plot something out with somebody, we could develop something really cool and lovely and it seems like everything is working... but jamie just doesn't vibe, when it comes down to the roleplay of it. see, the most important thing to jamie with regards to relationships is trust. and yeah, that seems incredibly obvious, but trust is what marks the key difference between a casual relationship that won't go anywhere and true devotion. jamie has to trust you with all of themelf, and that's actually really, really rare. the raging wildfires and intense burn of summer, the overwhelming desire to rend and tear of the wolf, the longing to... sometimes just make someone decay and suffer, just for a comment, but more than that, the aching loss of their mother and the bitterness and resentment they feel towards their childhood. the good, the bad, the ugly, the seelie, the unseelie, the human, all of it. if jamie can't trust himself to be vulnerable with their partner, if they're constantly on such high alert that all you ever see is what they present, lest you take advantage, that's not a relationship to last.

aside from that, in terms of what draws jamie to a person, it can honestly be variable? because jamie is a being of change and choices, so their preference is never really... one thing ( aside from, yknow, men and masculine-identifying people. ) GENERALLY, though, they tend to be drawn to people who don't mind a little mischief and fun. in more supernaturally inclined people, they're drawn to those that make him feel safe, but also, those that take him seriously. if you're always looking down on them and acting like they're a puppy that doesn't know what they're talking about, you're just gonna piss him off. for humans, sometimes they just like... the normalness of it all. getting to feel like a human. they enjoy a stable presence, someone who can talk to them, reassure him, because jamie often gets caught up in his own head and blows things way out of proportion ( and holds everyone to a double standard. what he might forgive another for, as part of their nature, they have a little bit of a harder time forgiving himself for. )

oh and physically? while jamie doesn't discriminate, they do get a little bit hot and bothered by larger, stronger men or those who are confident and can be rather dominating.

PUTTING REST UNDER CUT BC THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG ONE APPARENTLY

how easily does your muse fall in love?

"fall in love" or get crushes and attraction? because those aren't necessarily one in the same. jamie is someone who develops crushes easily. their childhood was... well, he didn't really get to talk to a lot of people growing up. they were homeschooled until they were fifteen, the only kind faces being their unwell mother and his sister, and the faces of the doctors and specialists he would be in to see regularly. jamie started attending public high school when he was 16, which would be the 11th grade (or maybe 10th? jamie is a late september baby, so their birthday is really early in the year ) if i remember right, and they were rather... well, high school can be rough.

so as a result, jamie tends to "fall in love" with... pretty much anyone who's kind to them for a relatively short period of time, who lets them feel comfortable and like they can be (kind of) themself. who doesn't mind when he's awkward ( which is always ) and rambly ( which is always ) and takes him seriously. though, jamie does at least have some restraint, they're not going to get crushes ( usually ) on someone in their fourties (visually. a supernatural creature that’s 1000 years old but looks 25 is fair game). thirties, however, isn't exactly off limits. and even then... that’s not exactly a rule. jamie could develop feelings for someone like that, it just feels weird since that’s like... twice his age. that said, these aren't... there's a reason jamie's usually so inexperienced in most verses: they like to flirt with those he's comfortable with, but jamie is at his heart a shy person. it's always a matter of " i flirt because nothing will actually come from this " and then when it DOES happen, he... doesn't know where to go from there.

actual, bonafide, "real" love though? that's not as common. jamie is quick to fall but slow to trust, so desperate to make people like him he doesn't want anyone to know the true jamie, lest they leave him like everyone else does. so jamie can't really fall in love without that security of knowing the person they're with knows jamie, in his entirety, and likes him anyway. and it can get rather complicated if the person they're with says the words first, because jamie's first instinct is to say them back so that there's no conflict, but he physically can't lie, so a workaround has to be found where he can say it without literally saying it.

"just trust people" i hear you saying, but he can't. to trust someone when you're a fae is a fools errand and a death wish wrapped up in a bow.

does your muse usually take the lead in relationships?

yes... and no. but mostly no. like i said, jamie is someone who likes to flirt when they're comfortable. and for the most part, there is intent there. an example of that is when jamie flirts with brock ( @fuckingvictus ), jamie likes to flirt and be all " why aren't we having sex " and shit like that. hell, on occasion, jamie might actually take initiative and go for the first kiss. but that's the exception not the rule. jamie lives in the world of " if i never risk it, i won't be rejected " and fails to recognise that this also means " if i never risk it, nothing will ever come of it. "

save this shy child.

what is your muse’s love language?

oh jeez this is a good one. i've never really thought about it in depth, actually. i think.... touch is a big one for jamie, both giving and receiving. they're a very physically affectionate person, and if they like you in any real way, you can expect him to lounge against you. it's very common for jamie to announce their presence by just... draping himself over your back ( but, if he knows you're liable to startle and experience panic or anxiety with this kind of thing, they'll probably tap your shoulder or make some noise while approaching first before lounging. ) in that same realm, quality time is pretty important to him, especially if you're one of the more.... shorter-lived variety, because they fear that one day... they just won't have that time. for receiving... i'd say probably touch, and maybe words of admiration? jamie rambles a lot when it comes to... well, anything, but they're always a bit too shy to express completely how they feel about someone. and if you ever wanna see them blush, all you gotta do is compliment him.

does your muse believe in soulmates?

no. at least, not unless there are very specific circumstance, like in the case of ely ( @spllcat ) where it's not so much "soulmates" and more " i am a familiar and in this life of mine i am bound to you " and it's like... it's not for a lack of romanticism. jamie is a romantic at heart, but it becomes a bit complicated when like... so a faerie like jamie can live an exceedingly long time. whether they can die of old age at all, jamie isn't really... sure? regardless, let's say hypothetically jamie will live for 1000 years. so this means, for 1000 years either:

jamie's soulmate is a human, born about 200 years after jamie. they live for a hundred years, and then die of old age. jamie now has 700 years left to live after the death of their soulmate.

jamie has no idea when their soulmate is born or dies, because they never once meet

jamie's soulmate dies in childhood

jamie's soulmate, of any race, is born when jamie is 900 years old. jamie has only 100 year with this person. he lived 90% of his life without this person.

it just doesn't seem realistic to him, even if they are a romantic. how can there only be one person for you? what if you're aromantic? what if you never meet? what if they die young? what if you actually can't stand them? they'll read fanfiction and watch anime and fantasize about the idea of soulmates, but they would never want them to be a thing in real life.

#🍀 | we taste and feel and see the truth ❞ ( headcanons. )#🍀 | never expect straight answers from the fey ❞ ( asks. )#1396 #thanks for this!#this got a bit rambly but it always does #it didn't do all the coding i asked it to >:c

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therodrigator6 · 3 years

Text

Well, hello there fellers.

You can ignore this text post if you want, it comes straight from me, completely outside of Drawings or Proyect updates.

I just really felt as though I needed to take the time to write up my thoughts into a, very possibly, LOOOOOOOOOOOONG post, since I have a LOT on my head right about now.

So, my melancholy, rather depressing, but perhaps amusing, musings, under the cut.

Right, so my whole string of thought was sort of just... proppeled out of me reminiscing about the past... 2 years, maybe year and a half.

I got thinking hard about She-Ra again, LMAO. and I know, I KNOW, why am I even thinking about that damned show again.

BUT, I was really thinking hard about how much I went through, positively I mean, how much growth I had (Around my art and my vocation obviously) with She-Ra.

And really, if you were to scour through my blog, if you went back all the way to... maybe it was late 2018, early 2019, when I posted my first fanarts around She-Ra, you’ll see how far back I was, skill-wise. I mean I wasn’t exactly a beginner, but I weren’t no Grade A artist neither.

And PRIOR to all of that I had more or less drawn fanart intermitently.

Anyone who followed me back when I made RWBY stuff, specifically Whiterose fanart could attest to that. I wasn’t consistent at all, and I experimented more often than not with every single drawing I was making. And don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed drawing stuff for RWBY, I sort of miss it now LMAO.

But I can certainly see just HOW POWERFULLY drawn I was to She-Ra, because my output of content and the growth of my skill as an artist was EXPONENTIAL. I suppose in a way I owe it really to MY sudden... obsession? Fixation? on that show.

VERY HONESTLY, at this point in time, I feel like I could REALLY speak on what things drew me to She-Ra, and precisely what things KEPT me there. IDK I think it used to be a very special little show.

On one hand? I really had just decided to watch it because I was starting to fall out of love with RWBY.

RWBY WAS a show I’d also loved, and which also meant a lot to me, but the things that MEANT a lot to me, were just not given the story I would’ve been interested in. That AND the small fandom space I’d carved out for myself was getting even smaller. Smaller AND very... toxic? Uncomfortable? I felt as though... my efforts and my involvement in that fandom were neither welcome nor appreciated at one point, let alone the fact that on the SHIPPING side of things, it stopped being fun.

So there I was, starting She-Ra up. I’d known about it for some time before, and I’d *Heard* that it was a fun good show, and most specially... *With an active, HUNGRY fandom, raging about a very popular Ship*. So I thought to myself, YAY, I’ll watch this show and I’m REALLY gonna do my best to go for everything popular.

I was tired of unwelcoming fandoms, tired of enjoying the very little measly, *Unpopular* things about shows, this was all about having a GOOD time. And maybe finally getting my works out, really finding a motivation to create stuff.

I mean in hindsight, now I know I fucked myself over MANY times.

You see because, as soon as I started watching She-Ra, I TRIED to do something different about the way I consumed shows.

In the past I used to be VERY ship-centered about my show experiences, to the point were FANON-Ship-centric relationships with shows would make the stories I was watching really boring and bleak in comparison. I had been afraid at the time, that THIS would also ruin She-Ra for me. So I really thought about... NOT tainting my vision and perception of the show with... Fandom stuff, Fanon or Ship-centric views, NOT EVEN CREATOR INTERACTIONS. I really tried to watch it blind and enjoy it for what it was.

Fool I was, I should’ve done the opposite.

It’s a tired old story, and a really redundant thing for ME to talk about. But I really felt a DEEP disappointment with She-Ra. Akin to LOSS almost.

Cuz you see, for a year and a half I ended up CENTERING myself on She-Ra, on more than one level.

On one hand, I TRULY believed She-Ra was a show with a story that I loved, there were plenty of characters that REALLY spoke to me. Characters like Glimmer? for example? And her storyline? for me are *one in a million*.

Of course I’m... REALLY compacting my She-Ra experience. I had come to appreciate MANY things about it. It’s world, it’s story, the characters, the comedy, the animation, the people who loved it and grew because of it, etc.

Furthermore, once my initial *doubt* about the show had passed, I really immersed myself in the fandom side of things. And I gotta say, I really enjoyed it for as long as it lasted. I think I experienced a new level of feeling like I *belonged* in a community, and a feeling that people LIKED what I did for it, and that people wanted MORE of ME in it.

Alongside that, and going back to animation. Geez, She-Ra came at the best *or worst* (depends on how you wanna look at it in hindsight now, LMAO), time of my life.

Literally on the verge of me finishing up with Prepschool and having to chose a career for University.

Prior to She-Ra, I really was trying to pinpoint my vocation, and animation had been in my mind for a LONG time, since Steven Universe really.

AND... Idk, AGAIN, THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT SHE-RA... which told me... “This is important”. Animation is important, being able to tell tales for people is important. Telling tales for people who need it, or people who don’t often get to tell tales is important. This medium is BEAUTIFUL, I MEAN, LOOK AT EVERYTHING IT CAN SPAWN OUT OF PEOPLE.

So it helped me make THAT decision.

Also alongside these things well... I go back to all of that about “Belonging”, and “community”.

Boy I met some of the most amazing friends I ever have in my life. People whom I respect, people who I admire, people who thought like me, liked ME, enjoyed this show, etc.

OF COURSE, at the time, and I really should’ve known better. We met out of our mutual LOVE for Glimmadora, LMAO.

ME? FALLING IN LOVE WITH AN UNPOPULAR SHIP? Who’da thought.

AND I DID SO, *DAMN NEAR DIVORCED FROM FANDOM* LMAOOOOO, you can see how my “I’ll learn to love whichever aspects of this show I’m *gonna* love, outside of fandom influence” policy really just fucked me in the ass.

AND GOD, DID I *LET IT* BE A PART OF ME.

That comunity, those friends, that ship, that show, those creators. It was all I thought about, and it DROVE me. so much so I put up with so much shit from my University. I put up with so many bad things in my life that were going on because of that show.

And I see now that many of those friends I mentioned did too. GOD, how I wish... we just hadn’t.

I think... for most of us things had already been pretty shit, not gonna lie.

There was the pandemic, for a start. Prior to May the 15th I had an uncle of mine die of COVID, which shook me to *my* core, but dear old She-Ra and the Glimmadora fandom gang were there to cheer me on. (This was around the time really horrid people in the She-Ra fandom, whom LOATHED Glimmadora with a passion were making “Glimmadora shippers must have Covid, since a symptom of Covid is a lack of taste” Jokes btw.)

And I think of my friends also, who have always spoken to me about their problems and their lives. For all accounts I think, they’d always had it harder than me, and they found themselves a WILL and a DRIVE to go on... through this, through She-Ra, and our friendship.

Then May the 15th came and it’s all been going downhill from there HSEBRGJKSEHRBGKJSERHGBJK.

I mean... I understand NOW, just how DAMAGING for myself it was to... cling so much to that show, to all of it. NEVER should’ve connected the drive of my vocation to it.

Cuz yanno... even if I HAVE continued to grow and get better the past few months, some things haven’t changed for the better.

For instance, I basically LOST my entire space here, in fandoms, in ejoying shows. I LITERALLY ONLY CREATE NOW... Either out of spite, or for my friends.

There is a VERY DEEP loathing now within me about stuff like... Catradora for example. I hate it, it makes me feel disgusting, simple as that. And THAT kind of feeling isn’t welcome here, also simple as that. So I’m out of a space and that hurts.

PFFT, basically all the pieces I produce now, which I still do with a She-Ra theme. Nobody’s gonna wanna consume MY content anymore, and they don’t. I made sure they couldn’t because I knew, I wasn’t going to be able to stomache this She-Ra fandom anymore.

That’s been another thing too. I don’t like being a contrarian, I don’t like being the guy who thinks the thing everybody loves is bad or wrong, and if I could SO HELP ME GOD, I’d change my entire view of it all. I don’t really care about being right or wrong anymore, I just want that peace of mind back.

HELL, there were people I knew since 2016 almost, who kinda just told me...

Shut the fuck up or leave.

On some cases I shut my mouth, on others I just left.

And yanno... I do feel miserable about it. But it also makes it all the harder when I think of my friends?

GOD DAMN, EVERYTHING THAT *COULD* GO WRONG, WENT WRONG FOR THEM.

ALWAYS, for all of my friends. And even through the hurt, I sit here and think, well I think I still have hope! I think I still have a drive to go on and persue animation and tell good stories.

But I understand now... that *I* have a priviledge over my friends. The priviledge of support. I’m not REALLY alone, there’s people helping ME.

My friends don’t have that, and I can’t give them that, how I wish I could.

And it does just HURT only being able to tell my friends, “HEY! Have hope things’ll be better!” And then we all turn to the only beacons of hope we shared, and seeing them all dull and out of light. No Glimmer of hope.

Like, how do you tell people to hold out, to keep fighting, to keep trying to STILL CHASE THEIR DREAMS... When you can’t even help them keep their heads high when they’re trying yo get a damned job. When no matter how much THEY try they keep getting knocked down.

When there’s no longer a space were they feel confortable sharing their creations, because everyone they had ONCE tried to please with them? suddenly decided they were of no value.

So here we are.

I’m starting up a new semester in a couple of days, hopefully building myself up more to chase MY dreams... whilst all my friends suffer and can’t chase theirs.

Shit’s fucked. I wish I could do more.

PFFT, I guess, long story short:

Life unfair, Me Sad.

Me Angery, Me Bitter

Me Lost, They Won

Boohoo I guess.

SO ANYWAYS... I really just... needed to put these thoughts out in words. Scream to the void as it were.

I can’t wait to go back into discord or twitter or tumblr and see how my friends can’t catch a fucking break.

And how things will continue to get worse before they get better.

God I hope they get better, for all of us, if not atleast for them. They’ve already gone through enough.

#Just some personal stuff #Take care everybody

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blackfemmecharacterdependency · 3 years

Text

Share a Lair 14 || Share the Details

Max was honestly stressed out for nothing. He spent all of this time trying to talk his way up to the news, and whenever he actually finally spit it out, Charlotte was relieved and surely didn’t seem any of the things he’d been afraid about. She laughed a little and said, “I honestly thought that you were about to break up with me moments after your mother posted me dancing and tagged me to it on her page.”

“I’d never break up with you,” he said, then, “Wait, what?” He checked his mother’s birthday album for the twins and sure enough, there was a post of Max dancing around Charlotte, who was way more reserved, but so dang cute! Max loved it and almost went through to read all of the comments, but Charlotte cut into that mission.

“It’s just that sometimes, I can’t tell if you’re as deep into this as I am. You just have so many important things to do. By comparison, I’m kind of relegated to something fun on the side,” she said.

He put his phone into his pocket and sat down next to her, “That’s never been the case for me. Mostly, I haven’t wanted to scare you off, because my feelings for you are SO intense that I have to rationalize and reign myself in, like, “Max, this is NOT the way to handle this. But, I don’t have a huge frame of reference, because I haven’t had many serious relationships and this is only the second time that I’ve been in love…” As soon as he said it, they both gasped. But, while this apprehensive expression poured over his face, hers lit up at the same speed and they looked at each other, both became confused and expressions switched to match the other one’s, then again they both realized that they were inadvertently making statements with their faces and they both started laughing at this. They leaned towards each other, laughing and Charlotte reached out to collect him into her arms and moved him to lay back on her chest.

“I’m in love, too.” She said it very softly and stroked his hair with even more gentleness.

“I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me, just being able to admit that out loud, and hearing you say it too, is like… The perfect birthday present.” She kissed the top of his head and hooked her arms under his. He rested his hands on hers and whispered, “Can I spend the night with you?”

“Of course,” she said and rubbed his chest, one of her legs now comfortably wrapping around him, as well. He sat up and she was momentarily missing his body.

But, he turned to face her, hands sliding up her party dress as he stared into her eyes, “No… I meant… I want to spend the night with you, Charlotte…” She shifted to allow him better access beneath her dress and nodded her head, unable to break eye contact with him, as intense as it was. Had that been all that he had been waiting for? To be able to say he loved her? To have her say it, as well? She wasn’t sure. But, that didn’t matter. It was go time! He leaned forward and she leaned back.

“My bed is pretty small,” she whispered. But Max simply extended his hand, and within moments, the spare bed had been slid across the floor, right next to this bed. She smiled. “That was hot.” He just smiled. He loved when she said things like that to him, and he was ready to prove himself to her.

Whenever Charlotte came into the “Danger Column,” she was humming joyfully and carrying a ton of stuff with her. “Hey Char, what’s all that stuff?” Jasper wondered.

“Just some things that I got from home over the weekend,” she said. “Sort of officially moving in with Max.” She continued on her way and Jasper squinted his eyes as she set her things on the rolling cart, “I know that they’ll be gone soon, but what we might wind up doing is me living here for however long they’re here, then when it’s time to relocate, I’ll be looking for a place for us outside of Share-A-Lair.”

Jasper nodded his head, then wondered, “Who’ll be gone soon?”

She laughed a little then looked at his genuinely curious face. “Umm.,, the guys, from this site. Or at least Max, will be. Maybe not Henry, if he hasn’t said anything. He’d certainly tell you before he would anybody else, I’m sure.”

“No. He’d probably tell YOU before anybody else. What do you know, Charlotte?”

She fumbled her hands around packing the cart and tried to find something that MIGHT distract Jasper from the suggestion that Henry might be leaving and hadn’t said anything to him. It probably was a misunderstanding on her part, so she definitely didn’t want to add to that fuel, But, there were very few things that could distract Jasper from the subject of Henry, and if her moving in with Max wasn’t enough (hell, that only caused more questions), then she was probably about to open her mouth and insert and poorly constructed lie foot. “I know what it feels like to have thunder coursing through my body.”

“Don’t change the subject. Thunder can’t course throughOHMYGODYOUANDMAXFINALLYDIDIT???” And just like that, she had deterred him away from the Henry subject and she texted Hen a warning about it as Jasper had to know everything, “How’s it shaped? Is it as perfect as we imagined through the gray sweatpants? Can you draw me a sketch of it? Better yet… Did you get pix?”

“I… had already seen it before. Calm down there, Bud…”

“Did you sing Happy Birthday to him like Marilyn Monroe? That’s what I would’ve done.”

“I didn’t. Honestly, it was just really slow and sweet and steamy,” she said, nodding.

“Awwww. You went easy on him. You must really be in love!” Jasper gushed.

She smiled hard enough to hurt her face, “I did!… And, I am. It’s really cool. I haven’t been this close to anybody in a while, and even then, it was you know, just… not like this is. I’ve never had to take things slowly, and I’ve never had to learn to trust or have someone learn to trust me after the emotional connection. I’ve never had to be patient for a guy to be ready for me and I certainly have never had to go easy on somebody. It’s equal parts centering and exciting!”

“Did you at least warn him that you were a raging ball of aggression in the bedroom?” Jasper asked.

“I am NOT!” She said, then giggled a little, “I mean, I haven’t had any complaints!” She gasped, “You think that I’ll frighten him if he gets Take Charge Char?”

“I think Take Charge Char is far more hot than she is scary, but the scary is a good scary. That “roller coaster ride scary,” not “a bear in the woods while you’re camping” scary. But, more about the di-”

“Naw. I gotta get this stuff to my new place!” She said and began rolling the cart out of the tower, with a huge smile on her face.

Henry looked at Max approaching and wondered, “Are you late, or am I uncharacteristically early?”

Max looked at his watch and said, “I’m late…. Wait, why did I look at my watch? OF COURSE, I’m late. Like you’d ever be early.” Henry laughed and rolled his eyes, then heard his phone and checked Charlotte’s text. “Uh uh. Phone away. It’s training time,” Max said, setting his things down.

“You’re one to talk. You were late today!” Henry said, then groaned at the text message, “Your delightful girlfriend just told Jasper that I might be leaving soon. Why would she do that?” Henry had taken to sarcastically using positive words for Char whenever he was irritated by her, to avoid interference from Max, that he was certain could result in either his own derision or demise. Better safe and sarcastic than sorry.

“Have you not talked to Jasper about possibly leaving here?” Max wondered, stretching.

Henry put his phone into his bag and said, “I’ve brought it up a few times that I was probably gonna go on some far off missions with you, but I think that he’s not hearing that I might be leaving soon.”

“Are you SAYING that you might be leaving soon to him?” Max asked.

“Did you SAY it before you told Char over the weekend?” Henry asked right back.

“Are you and Jasper in the same situation and Char and I?” Max wondered.

“No, but… you can’t be pot kettling or whatever.”

“Different situations, Dude,” Max said. “I wanna marry Charlotte someday, but as it stands, she’s technically not my best friend. I mean… That’s a goal, definitely, but it isn’t our reality. You and Jasper have been together your entire lives and he follows you everywhere. Not telling him that somewhere may be another country is a little different from me having anxiety about admitting to a short term girlfriend the same thing… He is gonna come with you, right?”

Henry shrugged his shoulders, “I kinda want him to figure out his own thing. I’ve been doing some soul searching and I realize that while I’ve been putting everybody else first and working on saving other people, Jasper’s been doing the same thing, but for me.”

They continued stretching and Max commented, “Maybe that’s what he wants to do.”

“Maybe. But, I’ll feel better if he has some time to look inside and really determine that, you know? Would you want Charlotte to just pack up and leave and come along with us to Russia?”

“Yes. But, yet again - not the same situation.”

Henry sighed, annoyed and commented, “I am so ready to swing punches at your face now.”

“I am ready to watch you fail to land them.”

“Okay. I am ready to do THAT for the rest of my life,” Max said. Charlotte simply laughed. It was nice, but she was certainly sore. She hadn’t had to work her thigh muscles like that before, or at least in a while. She forgot about all of the “additional” that came along with this. It didn’t matter, though. Max was here with her, and he wanted her, and he wanted this. She had no complaints.

He laid in Charlotte’s arms, ready to forsake Russia, the T Force, the Hero League, anything else that dared to come between him and this feeling that he had right now, in this very moment, wrapped up in her, bodies connected, spirits aligned.

“Whether it’s 3 months or 6, I want to be with you, okay?” She whispered.

He nodded. Of course. He wanted to throw a ring on her and pop a baby in her, but that was a bit much for right now, so he just said, “You could move into the lair, if you want. That might give us a little more time together before the changes happen.”

“Wouldn’t you have to run that by Share-A-Lair?” She wondered.

“Running it by them for me includes sending them a message that it’s happening.”

“Oh, so you got it like that, huh?”

“I’m the man.” He kissed her fingertips and asked, “Do you not want to?”

She smiled, “I think that’d be cool. I mean, it’s only for a few months, then you’re off to Russia, so it isn’t like there’s a danger of us growing sick of each other. Besides, I practically live there now and gas to and from for when I’ve gotta come back here is pretty pricey.”

“You think that we’ll grow sick of each other when we’re around each other more?” he wondered. “I can’t imagine ever being sick of you. I imagine you being the main thing that makes me feel well in a very sick world where I have to battle sick people.” She just smiled. He was strumming her skin lovingly with his fingertips and seemed like he had a lot going through his mind.

“Will we be able to visit each other at all? When you’re in Russia?” She asked.

“It’s not final that I’ll be in Russia… but, I will have a lair, hidden beneath the property of my secret identity. If you want, you can certainly visit me, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to leave during the tour.”

“Cool. I’ve never really thought about Russia, but I’m going to look into it. Add it as a place for me to be able to visit a time or two in the next few years… You are only gonna be gone for a few years, right?”

“Three,” he said.

“Yeah, I’ve done this long distance thing for longer before. We’ve got this.”

He looked at her and gave her a kiss. “Can we…”

“Again?”

“If it isn’t asking too much…”

“It’s not!” She smiled. “Come here…”

Each day, Charlotte came in a little less chipper and a little more sore looking. Jasper smirked every time, until one day, maybe about a week later, he straight up asked, “You can’t handle the D, can you?”

She let out a relieved sigh and a chain of word vomit, “Dude, I can’t even get to the point where I’m at my usual performance level with Max, because whenever we get down to it, his physical superiority and stamina outrun my experience and prowess. What does it matter if you can do fun little tricks, if after a few minutes, you’re ready to pass out, just as he’s getting warmed up? He is a leading world superhero, with nearly perfect health, and impeccable bodily preoccupation! He can do some GLORIOUS shit with body. I mean, leave you speechless tier. And… I can handle about 10 minutes of him, then I’m just there because if I move, I might collapse. I have GOT to add cardio to my daily schedule!”

Jasper nodded his head, cordially the entire time she was speaking, but as soon as she stopped, he simply asked, “Okay, but how big is it?” She stared at him for a moment before walking away. “Bigger than Henry’s? Surely.” He gasped, “Is it bigger than mine? Are there other personality traits to it? Like a curve or a slightly fatter top? OH! He’s… cut, isn’t he? You know what, you should see if he’ll let you take a photo of it, so we can research.”

“Jasper!” She finally shrieked. “Shut. Up.”

“Right. You’re having a crisis. Here’s a solution! You let him take control until you get your own physicality up. Those are essentially pleasure filled workouts. He’ll like being in charge all the time, at least for a while, then whenever it seems like it’s boring and dull, POW! You’ll hit him with your modulation. He’ll be like… WHAT? There was a higher pleasure setting? Huh?? And you can stay on that level until you gain more endurance, and then, guess what? POW! Another modulation on him.” Jasper shook his head, “But, that’s probably not gonna work.”

“No, no… That’s… I can work with that. My legs haven’t burned this much since I started marathon training in junior high!”

“I forgot that you used to do that!” Jasper said.

“So did my thighs.”

He laughed and said, “RIP Charlotte’s hamstrings.”

“Rude!” she snapped. They looked at each other, “But, accurate.” He laughed again and she tried not to, because it wasn’t funny and she didn’t want to encourage him. But, in spite of herself, she had to laugh a little.

She definitely regretted it when a moment later, Jasper slid a pencil and a piece of paper to her and said, “What if you just sketch it for me? As true to life as possible, please?”

She gave him a small, tight smile, picked up the pencil and said, “Imagine for a moment that this was one…” Then, she snapped it in half with her thumb and threw it down on the table. Jasper gasped as she got up and walked over to her work area in the lab.

“He… He has a pencil one?” He wondered, in horror. She just left it alone. Maybe if he thought that, he’d give it a rest! “I’ve been sweat-fished!” He whined. That sounds disgusting.

#Share a Lair #Henry Danger #The Thundermans #crossover #crossover fanfic #Nesha Crossover #Thundanger #Thunderbolt #Share a Lair Repost #Nesha HD Fanfic #fanfiction #Share a Lair 14

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confusedhalfofthetime · 4 years

Note

I have a request for like a Dh!Master x reader where Master is a prisoner of this space prison thing and the reader is this officer of the thing. The master teases the reader so much until the reader shoves the master into a closet and do the dirty ~🐄

Hey anon, thanks for the great request! Hope you like how I wrote it.

Warnings: smut

Plot: The Reader is a high-rank officer in a Prison. The Master gets brought in and let’s say things get heated between the two.

It was a quiet day at the prison. Quieter than most, considering it was one of the most secure prisons of the universe. Literally.

You were proud to be in such a high-rank position. You had worked hard to become an officer, leaving your home planet and your family to pursue a career that wasn't exactly safe. Your parents opposed strongly to your choice at the beginning but they couldn't stop you and as soon as a job was offered to you at the prison of Satellite 22, you had packed your bags and left.

Fast forward ten years and you were sitting at your desk in your nice office. Your colleagues respected you and you were able to bring in criminals from all around the galaxy. The thrill of the job would never be enough for you.

The knock on your door made you look up from your paperwork.

-Come in-

Sergeant Manay entered the room with her usual straight posture and professional attire.

-Officer Y/N. He's here- she simply stated and left the door open for you to follow.

You quickly got up from your chair. You had been waiting for this moment a long time. One of the most researched criminals of the whole universe had finally been caught. There were voices about him, of how incredibly dangerous and psychotic he was. You had seen all sorts of things really, nothing surprised you anymore but you had to admit, you were very much curious to see this one. The Master.

Considering everything you had heard about him, you weren't at all prepared to see that he looked...rather normal.

He was sitting in his jail, head hanging low, a purple jacket on and some hideous socks visible from his dusty shoes.

Sergeant Manay nodded at you, clearing your doubts. Alright then, you thought. After all, if you had learned one thing from this job, it was that first impressions lie.

-So, you must be the famous Master-

Hearing your voice, the Master slowly raised his head. Inexplicably, his dark eyes made a shiver run down your spine. He seemed to notice, cause a smirk slowly pulled at his lips.

-You know who I am? I'm flattered- he said straightening his back.

-Impossible not to- you said. -There are warrants for your arrest pretty much all around the universe-

His smile grew wider and his eyes sparkled. He got up and adjusted his jacket.

-What can I say? I'm a wanted man- he chuckled. -Get it? -

You narrowed your eyes. That man looked nothing like a dangerous psychopath. Nonetheless, you dismissed Sergeant Manay with a nod and she left.

-What's your name? - the Master asked, leaning against the bars.

Criminals don't usually ask that. Criminals don't usually ask questions at all. They're too focused on planning their escape and threaten the guards to kill them as soon as they stepped out.

You eyed him suspiciously but answered his question.

-Y/N-

-Pretty name- he smiled. -Say, Y/N, what do you guys do around here for fun? -

You smiled amusedly. -People like me put people like you behind the bars for a very very long time. And people like you...rotten-

The Master looked as amused as you. His grin was starting to make you lose your patience. He wasn't supposed to enjoy this.

-Sounds nice- he said. -And I suppose, you're the one in charge-

-And you're the one who blew up eight planets in a week-

-That's a personal record- he bragged getting his face closer to the bars.

-Why would you do that? - you asked. You never expected criminals to answer honestly to your questions but you always felt the need to ask why. To commit certain crimes requires a pretty serious reason. It can be either desperation or greed or revenge.

The Master simply shrugged.

-Why not? -

You blinked, astounded.

-Because people died -

He rolled his eyes like you were exaggerating.

-You humans, always so sensitive- he said drawing out the s.

Your eyes snapped to his.

-How do you know I'm human? -

-Your name. It's an earth name- he specified. -You're very far away from home-

-You too- you bit back. He wasn't the only one who could play this game.

His eyes darkened.

-I know a lot about you, Master- you said taking a step toward the jail.

-For example? - he challenged. You usually wouldn't have wasted so much of your time on someone like him but you found yourself unable to walk away. You wanted to prove him wrong and wipe that smirk off his face.

-I know you're a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey- you started, your faces getting closer. -I know your home was destroyed and you've been travelling in a TARDIS since then and I know you're responsible for the death of millions- you could feel his warm breath against your face and he looked at you intently. -And I know you're gonna stay here for a long long time-

The Master scanned your face and remained serious for a while. Then his lips twisted up again. -Oh Y/N, you're being such a flirt- he said narrowing his eyes.

You scoffed and took a step back.

-Enjoy your stay- you said walking back to your office.

-I certainly will- you heard him say.

The next few weeks proceeded similarly. Every time you walked past his cell, he had a flirty comment for you or a bad joke you really didn't need to hear. Sometimes he sang your name when you walked past him, making you roll your eyes. Some other times you felt like getting inside his jail and kick his ass. He was such a brat but something about him made him interesting in your eyes. Not that you'd ever admit to that. He was a bastard and a criminal. He didn't deserve your attention. Although sometimes he pushed just the right buttons to make you snap. You had a lot of rows and your colleagues told you many times to just drop it. You weren't used to reacting like that to a prisoner and he was beginning to distract you. You caught yourself thinking about him way too often than normal. It didn't help that your office was directly in front of his cell. A few times he caught you staring and he had smiled smugly and sent you a wink. You had turned red and rolled your eyes, feigning annoyance.

During a night shift, while you were walking in the dark corridor to get back to your office, you saw him gripping the bars of his jail.

-Looking good Y/N. Is that a new uniform? -

You summoned all your strength to ignore him and kept walking.

-Oh come on, what's the rush? Are you scared of the big bad Master? -

At those words, you stopped in your track and turned abruptly.

-Why would I be scared of you? - you snapped.

The Master shrugged. -Well, you did say I killed millions of people-

You walked toward him.

-I've been doing this job for a long while and I'm not going to get distracted by some bored, psychotic criminal. You're not worth my time any more than anybody else in here- you spat pointing at him with rage.

-Oh but I am- he said with a velvet voice. -And I'm way more interesting than any of these low-class criminals. And way more handsome, too-

What a pompous snake.

-You're so sure of yourself, you think you're in charge even behind bars. I got news for you, you're not the one in charge, Master-

-Oh, I like how you say my name- he almost moaned, his body so close to the bars you could touch him. -I have to warn you, though, if you keep talking to me like that- his eyes trailed over your body from head to toe. -I'm not gonna be responsible for my actions-

You kept your eyes on him, forcing yourself not to blush.

Come on, don't be weak!

-I know what you're doing-

-And what am I doing exactly? - he asked resting his forehead against the bars and smiling that wicked smile of his. His hands were particularly distracting, clenching and unclenching around the metal.

-I just think you look a bit stressed. I'd like to help you out with that- he said, wetting his lips. Your eyes were like glued on them, they looked so soft you couldn't help but wonder what they would taste like.

-Besides- he added. -I always liked a woman in uniform-

-Okay, that's it-

Your hands quickly fumbled around your belt to get the keys to his cell and you pulled him out gripping his jacket. He had an excited smile on his lips as you led him toward the closest cupboard.

You slammed the door behind you and he laughed.

-Someone's in a rush-

-Shut up- you said before crushing your lips against his.

He tasted like something bitter-sweet and...blood?

You had actually bitten him. You pulled away from him and watched as he licked his bleeding lip with dilated pupils.

The Master saw the hesitation on your face and pulled you in again, his tongue pushing past your lips.

-Don't overthink this- he whispered breathlessly when he pulled away for air. His eyes were so deep and so hungry you didn't even care you were shagging a super dangerous criminal in the closet of the prison you worked for.

To show him you weren't going to back out of this, you pushed him to make him sit on a chair and you straddled him. The Master looked up at you with his lips parted, placing his hands on your waist.

You kissed him again, your hands in his hair, your hips pushing down on his. He groaned against your lips, opening his mouth even more and you sucked at his bottom lip.

-You're always so confident, so sure of yourself- you said unbuckling his belt as you tried to calm your breath while his was coming out hot and rushed. -Well, Master...who's in charge now? -

And just like that, you felt your back hit the door, the Master pinning you against it.

-I am- he said, his hand unbuttoning your trousers and slowly getting inside your panties. You threw your head back, feeling his warm fingers grazing at your clit.

-Oh, my God-

-Not quite- he smirked.

-You're such a-ah!-

He had pushed his index inside of you, moving it slowly.

-I like the sounds you make- he said kissing your neck.

You relished in the feeling of his finger pushing further inside you and you gasped as he reached just the right spot.

Your hands clenched around his jacket, pulling him closer against you, feeling his growing erection against your leg. Not wanting to give up control completely, you moved your leg and he moaned against your shoulder. His finger stilled inside you and he soon took it out. You glanced at him in disappointment but he took his cock out of his pants and pushed it inside you.

You tried not to scream in pleasure at the feeling of his huge member moving in and out, establishing a pace.

-Don't hold back darling- he panted against your ear. -I want everyone to hear you-

You bit your lips hard, not wanting to give him the satisfaction.

His thrusts increased in speed and you could feel the heat in the pit of your stomach growing.

-Come on, darling. Come on- he urged you, placing his hand beside your head on the wooden door.

It was all too much: his cock sliding in and out of you and the noises he was making, god, the noises. You were gonna lose it and at that point, you didn't care. You didn't care if the whole prison, hell if the whole galaxy heard you.

When his thumb moved to circle your clit, that's when you gave up. You threw your head back and screamed his name as you came.

That was enough to make him cum too and he gripped your waist tighter as his hips slammed into you frantically.

The Master rested his forehead against your shoulder, trying to catch his breath.

You could practically see stars under your closed eyelids. You opened them as the Master slid out of you and tucked himself back in his trousers. He looked up at you with a mischievous smile.

-You look divine right now- he said pushing a strand of hair behind your ear. You would have told him he looked like a fucking masterpiece if you could have managed to speak at all.

-Well, it was very nice to meet you Y/N- he said taking a few steps back. -This was fun- he winked. -I hope I'll see you again-

-What...-

Around him, four walls started to materialize with a strange noise.

-Master?! -

-Goodbye, darling! -

The last thing you heard was his laugh as the walls around him disappeared as quickly as they appeared.

-Y/N? Is...everything alright in there? -

You heard the cleaning lady ask with a hint of embarrassment in her voice. After this, you were totally gonna get fired.

#doctor who #dw #the dock #doctor who requests #the master #the master x reader #sacha dhawan #dhawan!master #dhawan!master x reader #dhawan!master smut #dhawan!master imagine #dh!master #dh!master x reader #dh!master imagine #dh!master smut

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drunklander · 4 years

Text

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 504

Let’s make this one quick, because tbh I really dgaf about Alicia and Isiah and I’m almost done with Maas’ new book so if any other’s in the Maaslander squad wanna chat about it, I have feelings.

They’re really dragging this Bonnet thing out, aren’t they. I mean, the books did too, but they could have, ya know, AdApTeD. Le sigh.

Hallo the house is the olde timey version of texting “here” when you get to your buddy’s place.

This episode could really be titled Men Suck.

I mean really. Roger? The Browns? Bonnet? Even fucking Elijah Ford manages to suck and we never even see him!

Jamie doesn’t suck much in this episode. Which is a nice change of pace for him. But he’s been headcanon’ed beyond recognition so whatevs.

Fergus doesn’t suck. Fergus is always the exception who can hang with the ladies because he’s cool enough to be in the good squad.

I just fucking love Fergus ok.

As someone who *hates* shopping, back in the day shopping seems like my exact version of hell.

Also, like, have these fuckers not learned their lessons about not communicating? They don’t need to fucking tell everyone the whole truth, but come the fuck on. They can at least give the Ridge Squad a heads up to not fuck with rando Irishmen who may show up.

I swear, they’re all so dumb it hurts.

Also, Bree, girl. You’re talking to an old Scottish lady. Maybe don’t shit on the Irish in a way that also directly applies to her.

Alicia was Mr. Darcy’s daughter on Ripper Street, right? She looks super familiar.

I’m offended on Fergus’ behalf that they’re wasting so much of his whisky with that leaky stopper, tbh.

Ah, toxic masculinity and patriarchal bullshit. Right up there with rape as my FaVoRiTe way to demonstrate that ye olde times sucked.

It’s like dialed to 11 this episode so obvi I spent the majority of it rolling my eyes.

The Jamie and Claire with the baby stuff was solid though.

And thank fuck they refer to her as Bonnie. Like, Diana is notoriously bad with names, but come the fuck on. Alicia Brown and Alicia Beardsley in like the same few chapters? THERE ARE A LOT OF NAMES IN EXISTENCE, DIANA. IT’S OK TO BRANCH OUT A BIT.

Every time something like this comes up, I remember that there’s another random Randall but like as a first name, I think, in the Gathering Without End. Because of course.

Fergus should really be a fucking diplomat. I mean really.

I am approximately 1000% over sing-alongs with Roger. Can we hang the fucker already so he can’t talk anymore?

Yay freedom! You know what goes well with freedom? An incestuous throuple. You do you, Beardsleys.

“You’re 14.” “Uh, I am clearly in my mid-20s.” “Nope, 14.” “Cool cool. Message received.”

“Congratulations, you work fast milord.” I JUST FUCKING LOVE FERGUS SO MUCH.

Seriously, this show needs more Fergus. Also more Fergus, Bree and Marsali bonding. Like, if we’re gonna have an episode about randos, we clearly could have better used the time to have the Fraser kiddos bonding.

“When in Rome...” STFU, Roger. Cosplaying your way through history like you’re on a fieldtrip isn’t cute. It’s fucking annoying. And you wonder why Jamie doesn’t like you. You are an eminently unlikable person.

Roger would def be the guest the hosts in Westworld want to kill.

The only good part about this side-quest is that there’s so much of Jamie telling Roger he sucks. And really, I’m here for any and all of Roger being told he sucks.

Ok but literalol at how badly Caitriona/Claire knocked over her mug. She like put it down fine and then tipped it over.

Oh hey, I wonder who that rando doctor who gives the weird advice is.

Lucinda is a cinnamon roll.

“Beauchamp, Randall, Fraser, now Rawlings? Ye have another husband I should ken about?” “Well, not yet, but you know your buddy who’s in love with you? Well...”

Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp Randall Fraser Randall Fraser Grey Fraser is a very respectable name.

DON’T MAKE FUN OF THE DRINK OF FERGUS’ PEOPLE, BROWN MAN.

Literally the whole time in Brownsville all I could think was fuck, I really don’t want them to do the ABOSAA bit with them next season but I know they’re gonna and I already don’t want to waste time doing fucking recaps.

I’m bored.

Fuck there’s still half an hour left.

“What sort of man would I be if I allowed a lady to sleep out with the militia on a cold, dark night?” Idk, the kind of man whose people kidnap and rape a lady? *preemptive rage intensifies*

I know I should be freaking out that Bree’s freaking out that Bonnet kidnapped Jemmy, but all I could think of is the old podsa ads for SimpliSafe.

The Ridge needs SimpliSafay.

I fucking hate this storyline with the passion of a thousand fiery suns, but I fucking love Marsali.

Omfg I know it’s Brownsville but them all being Browns is fucking like GoT shit. Like, diversify your gene pool, y’all.

Ok, glad there’s finally a Marsali and Bree scene. But I still wish they could hang and like chat about stuff like pals.

That being said, MARSALI IS A FUCKING SAINT AND I LOVE HER SO MUCH.

And of course, more violence against women. Because we can’t go two seconds without reminding the audience that the past is Bad and Dangerous for women.

Also, is Marsali still preggo? Which baby are we on? What time is it? How much longer is left in this season episode?

Cute of Claire to be like hey, Rog, Jamie’s trusting you with me! His favorite thing! Like Jamie’s not actually trusting Claire with his daughter’s dipshit husband.

Oh hey, remember how Brianna can draw Bonnet fairly accurately? Sure would be nice if there was a way to, idk, show those pics to folks on the Ridge. Just spit-balling here, but like, maybe giving folks a heads up would be a good idea. Kind of like how she fuCKING COULD HAVE DRAWN ROGER LAST YEAR BECAUSE TALKING ABOUT HER BOYFRIEND IS A NORMAL THING TO DO WITH FAMILY AND THEN WE WOULDN’T HAVE HAD ROGERGATE AND OMFG THE DUMB. IT HURTS SO MUCH.

Claire just fucking yeeted that baby lol.

For real though, literalol at Jamie like taking his coat off and being all dramatic as he prepares to... play DDR.

omega psi chi phi upsilon tau sigma rho pi omicron xi nu mu lambda kappa iota theta eta zeta epsilon delta gamma beta alpha

Drunk!Claire is back!

I fucking love drunk!Claire. So does Jamie.

The scene where they talk about raising the baby together is adorable. But also, like, Jamie, you’re grandparents now. All the good parts of parenting with none of the shitty parts! And y’all have been through enough shit in your lives that you deserve all the fluffy grandparenting!

“And Marsali and Fergus... Well, I’m sure they will keep the Ridge sufficiently populated if that’s what you’re worried about.” “ Yeah, that lass is with child every time Fergus lays eyes upon her.” WHERE IS THE LIE THO.

Joking aside though, they’d better keep giving Marsali more stuff to do than spit out babies. *aggressively side-eyes a certain author who DiDn’T lIkE wRiTiNg AbOuT kIdS*

Good on them for tweeting out the suicide prevention hotline. Literally the least they can do.

I’m barely really trying to give a shit about Alicia and Isiah, but alas, idgaf.

Literally the only good thing about this whole story line is Isiah being like “step the fuck off, you raging hypocrites” to Roger and Jamie.

#*#outlander starz #outlander 5x04 #drunj!der yells about outlander

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saintwilllem · 3 years

Text

from my first reading of the chapter , the sand glass world as always been about time and memories and on so the effects of that. take the title and you’ll see that a sand glass is another word for a hour glass and such measures time, but the issue with this device is that you can feel as though your looping time in that you take the same thing and just keep flipping it over for more time. the sand has no markers that makes any different then anything before or after it unlike a clock on which you see active measures of time . therefore if we place our main character into the sandglass we are now playing with his state of mind ( measured by memories and time ) because he cannot escape . the first panel we see is the main character amongst discarded mannequins and barren trees. its a loss of life but coming off him is a balloon of a star , and he wears a party hat. to me the star is his north star / guiding star, the party hat is a reminder of him going wild and stating a lack of self care.

it is after this we meet the masked woman for the first time. having the woman masked makes her seem like wraith , an unknown but also something that should be known known. when she takes the main character into her arms, he seems at ease until she drops her blood in to his eyes and throws him back to his supposed really world because what the blood acts to be is a association to something that he has witnessed but turned a blind eye to until it is forced back into his sight.

now he wakes up in this “ real world “ and looks around dazed and things look normal but we find out soon enough that they aren’t as he has been taking drugs with introduction of the third character who i am naming lucidity , this mean clearness and inside of the context of the story the drive to do better. and so this character and the main character are inverses or opposites of each other and you cannot live with one or the other. if you keep going to the dream like state you will die , if you stay to lucid and never enjoy anything then you will also die. i am going to argue that even without the mention of drugs the partying that the main character is doing is more so running away instead of dealing and healing and their first conversation cements this idea and it goes like this :

the main character asks life how did you find me here ? , he replies “ there is no were you can hide or run from me , “ it then goes to life saying something amongst the lines of “ did you leave the house because didn't want to clean you crazy fool ?" to which the main character replies “ if it freaks you out so much why don’t you just die . “

now let’s break this down this conversation. you will always come back to lucidity after being drugged and therefore you cannot run away from it. the house and cleaning it up are more so cleaning yourself up because if we take a look at this whole chapter there is a trauma and instead of dealing with the trauma and cleaning the effects of it the main character keeps running away, and in response he is telling his lucidity that if how he is behaving is making him feel so uncomfortable then he should just end their life because that would put. pause to the guilt and regret lucidity faces for the main character not being able to deal and going on to drugs.

the roommate / lucidity then smacks the main character across the face. what this symbolized is both self-loathing but also the push to wake up depending how you see the relationship between them, which to me is never one thing because this is a whole drive to get to the bottom of the trauma and the memories the main character is trying to hide. the comment after the smacking in which he tells the main character i told you not to do drugs your eyes are deteriorating harkens back to the blood that he dreamt was dipped into them. this is a call that the main character ‘s eyes are what beheld the trauma and not some other part.

main character is told to crawl out like the animal he is ( a self- loathing reaction ) and that they should leave and as they do we are thrown into a desert and that is the sandglass sand. that plays into the idea that this time keeps looping and they keep having iterations of these actions because he still has not defined nor dealt with the masked woman. while the roommate is able to find water from some place as a form to draw something out of the main character. as water and desert don’t go together. they are contrasts and one lives outside of the other .

the idea of camels and the use of them is fun because camels carry their own water inside themselves for a good while, this is a joke on the fact that the main character has no self care and he is being scoffed at by the roommate. it is as thought he thought of buying the camels is like a lie because the camel will never get what it needs because it will be forced away from its self and reason . i think thats why we have the leap into the the main character not noticing the rain around them. rain to me in this context is a release . the phrase i think its going to rain to the reply it has been raining to be exemplifies either the main character is cracking and this is everything inside of him coming out , or the rain is something of judgment call. because at that moment his nose starts to bleed again and the masked woman returns . the bleeding of the nose is a contrast against the rain because rain means cleansing to some , here its opening everything of him up and taking payment out of blood because blood is everything that makes a person , while the rain is the emotional body of the characters the blood is the physical . and to say that it has been raining is also to say that he has been starting to feel and its flooding.

also the fact that the masked woman and therefore his trauma is the very thing that sheldis him from the rain is like a barrier between emotions and trauma , like masking the woman and taking the drugs did the same. he has to dive into the water and unmask her to really start to feel at peace because healing is allowing things to take their course rather then masking them. the throw of them into the water demands the main character to fall back and feel . the waltz is the push and pull he has to go through to make sense of everything he’s hidden from .

the woman goes on to ask him if he is sick of it because she is , and you know this is a memory of something that has happened because it something looking back at him but also a judgement of something he did not cater to . she asks him to remember how they made a bet when they were younger and how the one who loved the longest had to give the other a wish , and she says she thought she was losing ( that she was loving him for longer) but that isn’t the case anymore because she is gone and she’s been haunting him . where she thought he was moving on and leaving her before her death she took over him now by slitting her wrists and dying .

if we harken back to the earlier image with the drops going into his eyes we now know that is the image of her bloody and dying that sank into his eyes and haunts and follows him. and after that he reels back to being the car seated with his roommate wholly uneasy and he doesn’t want the roommate to look at him because he has been exposed. he has no wear to hide.

the ending panels therefore become a thing of history and trauma both overlapping over each other and how you want to forget the one by making it stuffed with everything that was around it. but it always floats back up when you lease expect it. a paraphrase of what is said near the end is the enthusiasm that i blindly pursed the endless joy the usual memories , they endlessly repeat ........... knowing that the ground underneath me was crumbling. is that he keeps linger on the more pleasent memories and feelings trying to survive on high instead of fixing the ground before it ruins him .

now i know this is long but hear me out on this second part tying this into the story by way of the summary of the story which is as follows : Seoha, an abandoned child, whose relatives gave up on him after he lost his family. An uncle who is unable to forget his wife and their unborn child. Their growth as the two of them wander through the snowy winter. therefore makes this the uncle’s story and sticks to the means of memories / trauma but firstly the main character is the uncle , the roommate the son he lost , and the woman his wife. he cant forget about them and so he starts to do things that allow him to hide in loops of memories that erase what his wife ended up doing we can argue if it was self abuse or a suicide but i lean more to the latter as the trauma and blame of that can be grater then the former. the question then becomes was he unfaithful because the wife says i thought i was losing and that i loved you longer than you loved me but it looks like i won at the end and she was free of her love of him , but he couldn’t be free of her in any way. now the unborn son is the roommate on pretense of the live he gave the roommate . the roommate is well rounded , he watches after his father but is also his judgment call. as though he comes as though something that couldn’t because of the father and so he is also his rage and that rage / son lashes back at him by hitting back at him for his life that was taken, by making him remember him and his mom as at one point the comic he is called a bastard by the main character / uncle / father.

the whole chapter takes place in a dreamscape in which you are forced to meet what you hide , deal with what is owed , and see things that were and how you feel. its such a simple but profound chapter and i cant wait to read more.

i am gonna end this here but please send me questions / comments / arguments everything and anything.

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luna-almighty-god · 4 years

Text

Guardian Angel N°13 [Nyx]

Hello, this is chapter thirteen! The drawing is mine, please don't take it!

This story is obviously not canonical, please do not refer to it if you are looking for canonical information.

Have a good read!

===

First Chapter

Previous Chapter

===

[He was born to kill.]

It wasn't a lie, or a depression, or just a quick remark made in haste. It was simply a statement of fact. A statement about what his life had been like, both before and after he was born.

He was born to kill. He had been raised to kill. And Nyx often retained a bitter laugh when he saw the people around him looking at him with pity, looking at him as a poor little thing who had been given no choice.

Plum had also looked at him for a long time like that. Plum was like all those unconscious people who looked at him and said, "The poor child, tortured by his parents, locked up in the dungeons, forced to do things he doesn't want to do!"

That was a lot of misunderstanding about Nyx.

Because Nyx wasn't an idiot. Nyx knew he had a choice.

And his choice naturally went in favor of his parents. His parents, whom he wanted to make proud and protect, no matter what.

“Nyx, are you listening?”

Nightmare's voice was deep, intimidating. Enough for his son to fold before him, lower his eyes to the ground:

“Yes, father. I'm all ears.”

The master of misfortune left his throne, his tentacles waving nervously, contrasting with the inexpressive face of their host:

“I don't care what happens to the other colored bastard. But he'd better not be in my way when I'm facing Killer.

- I understand, father. I'll take care of it.”

Nyx squealed, however, when an appendage grabbed it by the throat, to better press it against the wall on its back. Nightmare came closer, almost sticking his face close to him, the pupil crackling with a dangerous, devastating glow:

“Don't disappoint me.”

He released his son and left the room. The young skeleton fell to the ground, grimacing slightly, and massaged his throat.

He could have run away. His magic was unimpeded, he could teleport himself safely out of the castle, see his pencil retrieved and open a portal to another AU. He could do it easily, just as he knew he could hide from everyone, even his parents.

A spell to camouflage his magic. A spell to camouflage his emotions. A spell to teleport him.

He had everything he needed to escape, to get away from here.

But he chose to stay.

[He'd always had a choice.]

*** ***

Color threw himself into a frantic race, too exhausted to use his magic. He succumbed to despair, despite all his fervor and courage... He succumbed, exhausted and terrified, as he watched in the distance as his beloved Killer tried to defend himself against Nightmare.

“Killer!”

He tried to call, to show his soul mate that he was there for him, but his voice was too weak, much too weak.

And tentacles pinned him to the ground.

He hiccupped, a grimace of pain escaping him as he felt his bones cracking all over the place.

“You're the one who caused Father so much trouble...?” Nyx questioned him as he quietly joined him, looking intrigued.

Color coughed, felt the pungent taste of blood fill his puck without being able to retain a reply:

“Haven't you had enough brats?! I have to save Killer! Let go of me!

- I can't grant your request, father is counting on me.

- He's using you! He doesn't see you as a son, but as a tool! Open your eyes!”

The appendages tightened him a little more, aggravating the already large cracks, while Nyx's pupils took on a slight golden glow, as if he had been amused by Color's words. Color, trembling with rage, tried to struggle:

“You don't have to follow Nightmare! You have a choice! You don't have to stoop to this guy's whims just because he's your father!

- ... whim?”

Nyx's tone had changed, as had his pupils, which were slowly turning red:

“I think you're a hypocrite, you who begged Killer to come with you, pretending to love you tenderly.

- Because I love him ! I take care of him!

- But you knew the consequences. You knew it would destroy Nightmare. You knew he'd want revenge. But I guess hurting him was a fabulous bonus. Everybody wants to hurt the nightmare master.

- Because he's a vile being!”

The grip tightened more violently, wrenching a terrible howl from Color who was pushing back his tears as hard as he could.

Nyx's voice was darker:

“It's because everyone else does what you do that my father became like you. It's because of you that he sank. It is because of you that he is unhappy.”

A stream of magic concentrated over Nyx, finally materializing a deep black Gaster Blaster.

Color's soul missed a beat.

Nyx rumbled coldly:

“I have made my choice.”

The blaster charged into a morbid crackle:

“I'm going to make him happy. I'll make both my parents happy.”

Color petrified and broke out in a cold sweat. His wide-eyed eyes moved sharply towards Killer out of instinct, as if to call for help or simply to capture one last time the image of his lover. And frightened, he saw Killer on the ground, about to be finished off by Nightmare.

He hadn't been able to save his lover. This realization finally broke him, tearing bitter tears from his cheeks, which rolled down on his cheeks, before blending into the cloud of dust that became his body when the energy beam pulverized him.

The explosion was harsh, the earth trembled. And Nyx, imperturbable, put his scarf back on properly.

He had made up his mind.

His parents came first. Before everything else.

*** ***

The portal was similar to the last time: a worrying, bluish vortex that hinted at another world, a dark and dangerous future.

Nyx hated this vision.

He had fought to change the course of things, and now he learned that his timeline still existed?

But he should have known better. If his timeline had been erased, he himself would have disappeared, wouldn't he? To tell the truth, he didn't know anything about it, he didn't have enough knowledge to prove anything.

All he knew was that the two timelines shouldn't mix any more. Otherwise his parents would destroy everything he had forced himself to do for them.

...even though... did it still make sense? Making a difference had to help his family. But he'd changed things for another timeline, not his own.

He hadn't fixed anything.

“Damn... (sighs)”

He gritted his teeth, feeling his fences crack again as he approached the gate. If his efforts were useless, what was he to do? How was he supposed to act?

Dream, Error, Cross... they had counted on him. They trusted him.

But they were wrong from the beginning. They were the ones who misled him.

“SHIT!”

A magical flow escaped him, twisted the space around him, made his already feverish body tremble as he did not perceive the slightest change from the portal. The portal that seemed to taunt him with malice, as if to tell him "if you had closed me earlier, you could have lived a sweet life of lies, unaware that your timeline still existed.

He gnashed his teeth, ignoring his soul that had become painful, and made a Gaster Blaster to shoot at the portal. But the ray of magic did nothing, not even a little bit of damage to the wormhole. And if Nyx was tempted to do it again, he was stopped by the sensation of a very familiar magic, an aura that stood behind him and that he would have recognized among a thousand.

He turned pale, his throat dry, and shivered when a hoarse voice rose behind his back:

“Do you really think the gate will close like this?”

A weary, sarcastic voice, broken by the cries, tears, the tumults of life.

Febrile, Nyx turned around gently, his pupils reflecting all his anxiety. As he thought, Nightmare stood there. The Nightmare of his timeline.

“... Hello, Father...”

He watched his progenitor in silence. The emotions were multiple and contradictory: apprehension, fear, joy, relief, shame... So many things the young skeleton would have preferred not to feel.

Sometimes, he would have liked to be devoid of emotion, to tear out his soul like Ink, to become just a vulgar doll unable to feel, and therefore to suffer.

But he was too afraid to do so. Another of his faults: talking a lot, but not acting.

“So you betray me to the end... ?” Nightmare grumbled.

A weary reproach. This Nightmare had gotten used to people turning their backs on him. Nyx knew it, and it gripped his soul with an acidic guilt:

“Father, I ...

- Ink has already told me everything. So you have fun changing a timeline for your own pleasure?

- I-I just wanted to ...”

But a laugh interrupted him, and he shivered at the sight of Nightmare's broad smile. How long had it been since he had smiled?

Nyx swallowed as he approached:

“You are my son! As selfish and manipulative as I am! No matter what your reasons are, laudable or not, you're still a great speaker!”

The drawer did not dare to move, held his breath when his father was a few inches away from him:

“What now, Nyx? Now that you know you've created another timeline without influencing ours? Now that I'm here, now that I've found you? Now that you panic, assailed by doubt? What are you going to do?”

And while he was talking, his tentacles were slipping, wrapping themselves around Nyx's legs, reaching his waist and then his arms.

“Past or future? You want to change things, you're gonna have to erase your past. So take advantage of having me on hand to kill me, closed the portal. Do the job to the end!”

Nyx felt pressure on his body, felt the appendages squeeze harder, hard enough to hurt him without breaking his bones.

“Father, I...”

The physical pain was nothing compared to his mental suffering. He imagined listening to his father, killing him in cold blood, doing the same with Ink. He imagined getting rid of the dust, closing the portal forever, and starting his life over in that timeline.

He imagined doing all this, and a deep headache took him, accompanying the terror that gripped his soul.

His pupils turned blue and he couldn't control it:

“I can't...” he blew, a sob caught in his throat.

Nightmare lost his smile, frowned as he examined his son, trying to read him:

“.... Why? You're happy with our versions of the past, though. Much happier than with us anyway.”

Nyx looked down, on the verge of tears:

“For the same reason I have sacrificed so much so far... because I love you...”

The tentacles suddenly dropped as Nightmare widened his eyes. How can you not be surprised when the son you have tortured for years tells you that he loves you? Especially when, through your fault, said son is filled with negative emotions, addicted to poisoned apples?

Nightmare burst out laughing so much it seemed laughable to him :

“Do you love us? I don't know if that still makes you a worthy heir, but if it allows me to make you obey ...”

He sneered and came and patted Nyx's cheek, just like one would do to a dog:

“So listen to me. You've done a good job on this timeline, it's time to make it all pay off.”

Nyx gave him a confused look, to which Nightmare hastened to reply:

“We're going to get rid of our alters.”

Nyx froze with fright, understanding without difficulty the purpose of this manoeuvre: to eliminate the past versions in order to take their place ... To eliminate the versions with which he had befriended ...

The Ink and the Nightmare of the past. Those who had made the effort to change, to improve themselves, who had built a family life, with whom he had created this 'secret club', those with whom he had drawn or shared meals, those who had given him real attention, who had worried about him, who had housed him, supported him...

Nyx's pupils turned grey.

He nodded slowly.

“I'll do anything for you, Father.”

*** ***

PaperJam nervously triturated the bottom of his shirt, anxious as he watched his parents whisper with concern. The young skeleton, as soon as he had seen his progenitors returned, had understood that something terrible was happening, and he could only apprehend the continuation by seeing Ink close to a nervous breakdown.

Walking away from the kitchen to get out of the house, Jammy took a breath. He had been able to discern Nyx's name in the conversation. It wasn't hard to understand that something had happened to his friend, and the child couldn't accept it.

He loved Nyx very much. The cartoonist was kind and gentle, paid him a lot of attention, but always seemed so sad ... not to mention that crisis he had had the other night, and the way he had thrown himself on the black apple.

And then... he had called Ink "dad".

Slowly, the pieces of the puzzle were coming together in PaperJam's mind, and he wrinkled the arches.

He had to find Nyx. He had to find Nyx right away.

He concentrated his magic, blew... and opened a portal. A proud smile lit up his face : he had been able to use his parents' advice ! Normally he would have bragged about it to them, but right away he couldn't say anything. He suspected that they would not let him go.

He took a new breath, prepared himself for all eventualities, and crossed the gate with a determined step.

[He had to find his big brother]

===

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===

Credits =

Dreamtale -> Joku

Killer -> Rahafwabas

Color -> Super-Youmna

Paperjam -> 7GoodAngel

#Guardian Angel #undertale #fanfiction #errink #nightkiller #inkmare #nightmare #nyx #killer #color #paperjam #sanscest #vantablack #dreamtale #alternate universe #alternate timeline #shipchild #drawing

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neshabeingchildish · 4 years

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Shout out to @adorkable-blackgirl for helping me brainstorm with this a little. Even used one of her lines. My @chenoahchantel has had so much going on and I really needed backup, so I had some and I’m thankful for that and all the support and readers that I get. CW for sexual themes in this chapter.

Share-A-Lair 14

“I’m in love, too.” She said it very softly and stroked his hair with even more gentleness.

“Of course,” she said and rubbed his chest, one of her legs now comfortably wrapping around him, as well. He sat up and she was momentarily missing his body.

Whenever Charlotte came into the “Danger Column,” she was humming joyfully and carrying a ton of stuff with her. “Hey Char, what’s all that stuff?” Jasper wondered.

Jasper nodded his head, then wondered, “Who’ll be gone soon?”

“No. He’d probably tell YOU before anybody else. What do you know, Charlotte?”

“Don’t change the subject. Thunder can’t course throughOHMYGODYOUANDMAXFINALLYDID???” And just like that, she had deterred him away from the Henry subject and she texted Hen a warning about it as Jasper had to know everything, “How’s it shaped? Is it as perfect as we imagined through the gray sweatpants? Can you draw me a sketch of it? Better yet… Did you get pix?”

“I… had already seen it before. Calm down there, Bud…”

“Did you sing Happy Birthday to him like Marilyn Monroe? That’s what I would’ve done.”

“I didn’t. Honestly, it was just really slow and sweet and steamy,” she said, nodding.

“Awwww. You went easy on him. You must really be in love!” Jasper gushed.

She smiled hard enough to hurt her face, “I did!... And, I am. It’s really cool. I haven’t been this close to anybody in a while, and even then, it was you know, just… not like this is. I’ve never had to take things slowly, and I’ve never had to learn to trust or have someone learn to trust me after the emotional connection. I’ve never had to be patient for a guy to be ready for me and I certainly have never had to go easy on somebody. It’s equal parts centering and exciting!”