We all need a little touch up.

Honestly I don't remember the dream itself but it ended with Matpat doing a goddamn Manscaped ad. I woke up so pissed.

look i know that ad campaigns are tested on tumblr but the fact that the accursed manscaped one made it off the hellsite and onto youtube and accosts me every time i enter target never fails to baffle me

some of y’all get to just use this website like a human.

this is the user experience I’ve been assigned.

Dracula Daily, but make it a Manscaped Ad

If the May 8 2022 Dracula Daily were a tumblr ad.

What if the pikachu man is punishment for not shaving our balls…

I want to shave every inch of my body smooth and stand outside of manscaped hq screaming "YOU MADE ME!!!"

No, Tumblr. You shave YOUR balls.

Lil something for @staff and @manscaped

With those manscaped ads going around again, here is a reminder to my penis-having friends out there: Do not put anything scented on your junk. I’m serious. It sounds harmless, especially since you have a closed sexual system, but it can genuinely be a very dangerous thing to be doing for a number of reasons. 1. You never know if you’re allergic to a product until you use it. Do you REALLY want to find out you’re allergic to some super specific scent oil mix because you put it on your nuts? 2. Whatever is on your balls will end up rubbing onto your underwear, and as you move throughout the day, it will inevitably make its way to your urethra. It may only be a little bit, but if your urinary track is sensitive enough, that can lead straight to a UTI. Believe me, those are incredibly not fun. 3. But let’s say you only wear it during naked times. Totally fine, right? Nope; you’re STILL at a risk for a UTI because of how scent actually works. When you smell something, it’s because there are particles of that thing in the air, and those particles make it into your nose and your nose essentially “tastes” those particles. Now, for most stuff, that’s fine. However, those tiny particles - when there’s enough of them - can still make their way into your urethra over time if they’re close enough, and once again, that can lead to an infection because there is a foreign matter in your pee hole that doesn’t belong there. (this is the reason so many vages end up with UTIs when using scented pads, when normal pads don’t do anything to them. it’s the scent particles.) 4. This product is given to you alongside masculine grooming items, and if you think it’s difficult to shave your knees, you’re about to learn the fear of god the first time you try to shave your nuts. this goes double for especially wrinkly folks. Now, shaving is entirely your choice, but imagine getting deodorant in a bleeding nick on your NUTS. can you say Ow? and god forbid that thing get infected because you introduced a foreign entity your body didn’t like. I don’t think anyone wants infected balls. 5. The following can also apply to any partner you may have if you’ve freshly put it on, or if you’ve been wearing it around all day in a pair of underwear or pants(again, that stuff’s gonna end up rubbing onto the rest of you). So even if YOU’RE not allergic, or sensitive to UTIs, your other half might not want to suddenly get hives in her vag, or a sudden yeast infection, or a frot-induced UTI because you got yourself all deodoranted up before funtimes. none of this even gets into the possibility of irritation, the risk of spraying on one spot for too long(chemical burns on your balls, bro, never fun), the fact that scents could end up masking a change in your scent that would normally alert you to go see a doctor, there are MULTIPLE reasons to consider whether or not you REALLY need to put deodorant down there. I don’t know if this post will blaze, as the message is inherently nsfw, but I sincerely hope it will. You shouldn’t use ball deodorant for the same reasons you shouldn’t use scented pads, and you ESPECIALLY should not be putting a scented SPRAY anywhere near your pee hole. obviously this is all a personal risk thing, some people will be able to go 15 years perfuming the hell out of their sack and never face a problem, but it genuinely worries me that this is being advertised as totally normal, sexy, and risk-free. I just want the public to be informed; y’all might not be as used to the ways beauty companies will lie and hurt you for a quick buck. Be safe out there, and please, take good care of your sack.

manscaped ad in the transit center, I can't escape :(

The collab no one asked for

Looks like @manscaped is working on some new advertisments

I finally saw my first blaze post and it was some motherfucker reposting Manscaped ads. This feature is inside of my head. Help me.

As the most popular made-up fact blog on the internet, we at FIJMU are almost universally loathed and hated by the tumblr user base. That's why we're partnering with Manscraped, the disgusting, over-advertised, and horribly cisnormative male grooming company for this article on various discontinued products from their famous line of torture grooming tools!

The Aerator: Sometimes pores alone aren't enough to fully oxygenate the skin. That's why one of their first products was a steel roller covered in inch deep spikes that would punch thousands of holes in the skin for better oxygenation. It was sadly discontinued as it violated several Geneva Conventions, and somehow electrocuted a user despite having no electronic parts.

The Depilatory Mollusk: Creams and waxing are inferior to the hair removing power of the South Alaskan Drooling Snail and its acidic mucus. Slather the snail's slime on any body part you don't want hair, and with our patented "keloid" technology, that area will never grow hair again because it will heal as scar tissue. This was discontinued due to a previous patent by L'Oréal.

The Glansotine: A guillotine for the glans of the penis. Do you know the anatomical purpose of the 'head' of the penis? Nobody does so why not get rid of it altogether? Simply insert the top of the wang into the pillory and let the blade slip, removing the end like in that Nine Inch Nails music video. The Glansotine was discontinued due to several lawsuits, which all failed in court because the plaintiffs needed a witness, but had no tips.

The Ball-Vise: This is actually just a fairly normal 8-axis vise for metal working designed during the company's brief foray into mechanical tools, unfortunately it was advertised on the same page as their body-works items and many assumed it was a vise for crushing ones testicles. It was discontinued along with their other purely non-body oriented tools, including the Rod-Lathe, the Taint-Saw, and of course, the Reamer.

Item #16: The nature of Item #16 is not fully known or understood. We found it on the same shelf as the others but nobody at the company seemed to know what it was or even why it was discontinued. It had some resemblance to the mutant instruments from David Cronenberg's film "Dead Ringers." It made a faint humming sound when approached. We left briefly to speak to the inventors of the Manscraped line of devices but all denied knowledge of the thing. When we returned the item was missing. We reported the disappearance to the head of inventory at Manscraped, who nodded and said simply, "Finally- He's gone home."

That concludes our look at Manscraped history! If you head over to their site, be sure to use the discount code "SCRAPE-YO-JUNK-RAW" for 2% of purchases over $400, and godspeed, Item #16!