#MY VALUES DONT MEAN SHIT IF ALL I DO IS WORK EAT AND SLEEP
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I wholeheartedly believe humans were not designed to go extended periods without two way love and affection (if I don't get positive romantic and physical attention soon I will collapse)
#dating apps suck its so fucking frustrating#im going out tomorrow night but i KNOW nothing will happen i have the rizz of a fucking slug#im not entering any relationship anytime soon and that genuinely upsets me#throwback to my therapist 'we are happy when our needs are met and you hold love highly' blah blah blah yes abby but HOW#MY VALUES DONT MEAN SHIT IF ALL I DO IS WORK EAT AND SLEEP#AND I CANT MEET THE TOP ONE BECAUSE ITS NOT JUST ME THATS NEEDED TO MAKE IT WORK#im going to go and bang my head against a brick wall (write a fantasy romance novel) and maybe ill calm down#stop talking helena
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Tsudere /sub touch starved Jax in heat that pretends to hate the reader but does things to secretly be with them x a fem happy but smart Uzadere that loves being in the circus.She loves adventures,animals,cute things,fighting,food ect! lots of energy too but can be pretty insensitive and a little selfish with a little crush on jax. I feel like at first jax would completely reject liking her then he would be extra mean,then Maybe subconsciously know he likes her amd hates the feeling lol. cus he copes by trying to not have feelings and tries to act "tough". its pretty obvious that the reader is in love with him but his dumb ass cant catch on . She gives lots of compliments which makes him flustered and mad ( he is mad bc he thinks nobody likes him that much, he is mean to her to make her go away but it doesn't work ) but he pretends not to care. the reader would definitely confesses first tho. Sorry for such a long request its just that not many people write jax in this sorta way so i had to be detailed lol. also if you don't wanna use female pronouns you can make it non gender ofc 😅tysm for even reading such a long thing! and you don't have to do this at all lr you can switch it up. Anything is VERY appreciated tho😊 also i feel like max would be a massive virgin due to how annoying he is...he definitely a horny bitchless rabbit-
AHHHH! MY FIRST ASK ;0;
Thank you!!! And i personally LOvE Jax- like its an issue 0-0 but im so happy to write for him first! your request is amazing and i truly love it! i hope i did it justice!!! i hope you dont mind HCs! if you did want a story just hit me back up in the answer box and ill write a lil something for ya! ;)
MDNI BELOW THE CUT+
Warnings: Smutty smut themes, bottom Jax <3- Cussing, swearing, the norm
The Reader definitely brought light to the Circus, when she first appeared she was the TALK OF THE TENT, everyone was happy to finally have someone around to liven up the place-
> besides jax- the little shit made it his sole duty to make sure Reader was the punchline of his jokes or somehow always "in his way" and the Reader often got the butt of the assult.
> Jax being Jax when the feelings for reader started to arise- he got scared- a little worried- upset even. More at himself than you but still pretty pissy- this just made the tourment wose oh lord-
> Reader found this fun, more ways to annoy and poke and proad at Jax, finding his constant target on the Reader absolutely hilarious
> Reader always calling the oblivious rabbit pet names!!! *Toots, Fluff butt, Shnookums (Only because it pissed Jax off and everyone would laugh), babes, Etc Etc,
> Jax STILL oblivious to the reader ;0; taking it as her teasing him and pushing him and oh no we cant have that!!!! Jax haaates it. Secretly likes it HATES IT-
>Despite the tension between the two Jax would often threaten Caine or sneak the other circus members things of value to be around reader. not knowing why- HE IS MADLY IN LOOOVE he wanted to be around Reader!!
SMUT
>Jax in heat is something i dont think even he saw coming- like they are digital code- BUT DAMN-
> Stuck in his room alone humping a pillow and pulling his ears over his face embarrassed beyond belief at his own actions
> Reader was coming to annoy Jax concerned why she didnt see him at breakfast (His favorite meal of the day may i add-
>Knocking on his door reader had a shit eating grin "Sleeping in pookie?" She calls through the door only a groan and a loud huff was the response she got
>Thats rude. Reader thinks and just assuming he is having one of his man period days- Reader enters his room- and boy is the sight she sees amazing- Jax face down and ass up with a pillow under his hips, face flushed a deep purple and his overalls down to his waist-
> Reader and Jax are just staring at eachother with wide eyes
>"G-GET OUT!!" "Nah i dont think i will"
>Lets just say reader helps the little bunny get the relief he was so looking for-
>They dont argue as much anymore-
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THANK YOU FOR READING!!!
I hope you enjoyed your request and it was too your liking! im still getting back into writing so its a slow process!! let me know what you think!!! thank you so much!!! <3333
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Rohan Headcanons
Here’s eight pages of Rohan shit I wrote late at night. I should stop doing that. But alas, I won’t.
Okey
HeS a lil shit
That’s canon
But
He’s also kinda 🥺🥺
Heavens door also is 🥺🥺
if Rohan isn’t in the mood to give affection heavens door will gladly hug you for hOUrs
like
It’ll just nestle up against your chest and sorta,,,, fall asleep almost?
N ur like Rohan it’s asleep on my tits
N he’s like,,,, god I wish that were me…. I mean,,,, uhh,,, fuckin sucks 4 you guess you’ll just suffer
he likes drawing you
lol sketches on napkins n such
He just likes lookin at ur face
🥺🥺🥺🥺
He also has a pen somewhere lost in his hair
He keeps it there just in case his other ones get lost
Somehow
Even tho he’s got so fuCKin many
Also he lovEs learning things!
He’ll pick up a book about anything and read it just because
He’ll try to impress u with weird n random facts
Most of the time it doesn’t work
he likes when you mess with his hair
On the outside he’s like
DOnt fuckin touCh me but on the inside he’s like,,,, oooo head scritches r niceeeee
He believes he has an exceptional sense of style and doesn’t take criticism
He wears silk pajamas
But only sometimes
99% of the time he sleeps in his clothes because he passes out from exhaustion mid-drawing
Rohan also likes writing
Just lil things
Poems n such
He’s rather sentimental about certain things
He likes to go to libraries even though he’s got a bunch of books at home because he believes it allows him to better absorb the information he needs
He hates off brand things
It’s a maJor pet peeve
“What the hell is this?”
“What do you mean? They’re pop tarts?”
“THESE ARE NATURALLY FLAVORED FROSTED BROWN SUGAR CINNAMON TOASTER PASTRIES GREAT VALUE BRAND™️!”
“Yeah, pop tarts.”
“JAHDHWHXUWUDUWHDGWG”
He likes to wear slippers
Bunny slippers
They’re cute
He got heavens door a lil pair of them
Gotta match, ya know?
He picks at his eyelashes when he’s nervous
You gotta tell him to stop or else he’s gonna have to wear falsies
That makes him quit for a little while at least
He once accidentally stabbed himself with a pen but refused to go to Josuke for help
He’s still got a scar from it
his house has a basement but he’s never gone down to it
Too scary
He just says he has no use for it
Lies!
He’s a scaredy-cat
He can play quite a few instruments
He can also sing
He sings in the shower
It’s not half bad but his song choices tend to be awful
“STOP FUCKING SINGING ‘I KISSED A GIRL’ IN THE SHOWER OVER AND OVER! ITS SEVEN IN THE MORNING AND IM SICK OF IT!”
He’s got an embarrassing tattoo somewhere
Probably something stupid like a butterfly on his calf
He pretends it doesn’t exist
He used to read random people’s memories with heavens door when bored or uninspired but after a mortifying memory he read he stopped doing that
He once had a coo-coo clock but smashed it because it was getting on his nerves
he hates the sound of gum chewing
It’s the worst™️ to him
he sometimes forgets to shower
Nasty
But when he does shower it is extra™️
He takes reaaaaally long showers
And sings, as established
what the fuck does he even do in there?
Idfk
It’s a secret
He orders takeout because he can’t fucking cook
He’s trash at it
He tries
But he just can’t do it
he tends to make faces when he draws
It’s hilarious
He once drank 17 five hour energies to see what would happen
He doesn’t remember what happened
He awoke 2 days later in the hospital
he enjoys playing scrabble but only because everyone who plays against him ends up crying in anger when they lose
He owns a bunch of record players for the aesthetic™️
Doesn’t use them like ever
Owns like 3 records that he will play once in a blue moon
Everything he does is for the aesthetic™️ tbh
He likes to be held
But only under certain circumstances
Do nOT touch when he is in the middle of drawing something intense
He will turn around and sMAck you with his pen (on purpose or accident? Idk)
He’s clingy
He’s needy
He’s whiny
He’s like a puppy
But with the ego of a cat
He’ll be actively spooning you but assures you he is nOt having the time of his life
Eventually he admits he likes hugs n human contact
But at first it’s like trying to give a cat a bath
Yikes™️
Speaking of baths… bath time!
He likes baths
They’re nice
Bubble baths
They help him think
And he likes to mess with the bubbles
He likes the smell of candles too
You normally buy him candles in special occasions
He loves them
Most of the time
Occasionally he will despise the scent but keep the candle around anyway because he feels bad throwing away a gift
Well, a gift from his s/o
Anyone else he’ll tOss that sucker into the trash
The gift— not the gift giver
Maybe
If it’s Josuke— he’s in the dumpster
Uhhhh
Slightly nsfw but uhh,,,
Boob stress balls?
Nice
It’s a win-win situation tbh
soft, moldable, attached to someone he loves
Amazing
You’ve gotten used to it tbh
Whatever calms him down
Also he likes when you kiss his forehead before going to bed
He’ll be staying up to finish something and you’ll kiss him good night and leave your chapstick on his forehead and he just—
Makes him feel loved
He won’t admit it though
you usually initiate the affection
Sometimes he’ll hold your hand or something in public
In private he’ll be more outgoing but deny it means anything
“What, no I didn’t mean to touch your ass it was an accident”
“You’re still touching my ass”
“It’s still an accident”
you two also get in realllly stupid arguments
“Did you open this door?”
“What?”
“Did you open it?”
“Why would I open the basement door?”
“Did you?”
“No!”
“Liar!”
“Why would I lie about that?”
he’s a blanket hog
Also loves his pillows
He wears a lil sleep mask to bed
It’s cute
he unironically has a hydro flask
It keeps his water cold
He finds the jingling of the ice in it annoying though
I think he wouldn’t enjoy digital art because he can’t feel the paper and the ink and it’s not as personal
he likes eating ramen
Even though it’s terrible for him
If you look closely there are little stains on his papers
It’s ramen broth
But it’s convenient and he can’t cook for shit so it’s what he eats
He acts all refined but he’s not if you look closely
He’s got a reallly messy closet I bet
He tries to keep organized but it’s difficult!
He likes drawing birds
Idk why
Birb
He’s got a framed picture of you on his desk
He looks at it when he’s feeling stressed
It usually calms him down and gets him ready to work
you’ve nude modeled for him a couple times
Half the time he’s not even sketching
You don’t care though
Seeing his suave facade and expression be replaced with red cheeks and stifling coughs is cute
By the end you just give him a kiss and then it leads to—
The nsfw is for later
anyway
He’s tried to get you to draw
But anything you draw he criticizes so harshly that you’ve sworn off showing him your drawings
You know he’s doing it to help you
But it still hurts
you’ll sometimes help shading things in his manga
It’s the only thing he trusts you to do
But only on minor panels
And in small patches
But you still get credit as a background artist so you’re happy
You paint his nails a lot
He doesn’t mind
his favorite color is a dark green like his hair, though he also enjoys gold to match his stand
#this also hasn't been looked over#so uhhh good luck reading it#jjba#jojos#rohan kishibe#rohan#rohan x reader#rohan kishibe x reader#jjba part 4#jojos bizarre adventure diamond is unbreakable#jjba diu#jjba x reader
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Incorrect quotes : Sifan family edition
Fenth: I am in charge of this disaster!
Eiria: I have a name, you know.
Eiria: *Answers phone.* Hello?
Fenth: It's Fenth.
Eiria: What did they do this time?
Fenth: No, it's me, Eiria. It's actually me.
Eiria: What did you do this time?
The Librarian: You disgust me.
Elder Cadia : *eating a kitkat sideways* I realize this and don’t care.
The Librarian: Elder Cadia , we tried things your way.
Elder Cadia : No, we didn't.
The Librarian: I did it in my head and it didn't work.
Elder Cadia : Damn, the power went out.
The Librarian: Don’t worry, I got this.
The Librarian: *shakes rapidly and starts to light up*
Elder Cadia : What-?
The Librarian: I swallowed a glow stick!
Elder Cadia , on the verge of tears: WHY WOULD YOU-
The Librarian: Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism.
Elder Cadia : How so?
The Librarian: It keeps you from screwing up for 8 hours.
The Librarian: Elder Cadia likes to say ‘you can be part of the problem or part of the solution,’ but I happen to believe you can be both.
The Librarian: I’m quick at math.
Elder Cadia : Ok, what’s 38 times 76?
The Librarian: 24.
Elder Cadia : That wasn’t even close.
The Librarian: But it was quick.
Elder Cadia : I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.
The Librarian: Mine just says "The Librarian no."
Elder Cadia : I want you to apply it to every possible situation.
The Librarian: Can you keep a secret?
Elder Cadia : Well, I'm good until I meet the next person.
Eiria: I could kill you if I wanted.
Onica: Yeah? So could any other human being. So could a dog. So could a dedicated duck. You aren't special.
Onica: What? I'm not aggressive!
Eiria: Last Tuesday, you wacked me with a pair of crocs and stole my chocolate chips?
Onica: Survival of the fittest, bitch.
Kidnapper: We have your child
Eiria: I don’t have a child?
Kidnapper: Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crusts off their sandwich?
Eiria: Oh god, you have my sister..
Eiria: You remind me of the ocean.
Onica: Because I'm deep and mysterious?
Eiria: No, because you're full of salt and you scare people.
Elder Cadia: Just be yourself. Say something nice.
Fenth: Which one? I can't do both.
Fenth: You know you've made it when you see your picture everywhere you go.
Elder Cadia : Those are wanted posters!
Fenth: Ayo, what the FUCK is this?!?
Elder Cadia , sitting down, surrounded by corpses: I won Mafia, that’s what.
Fenth: You want some leftovers?
Dot: What are those?
Fenth: You've never had leftovers before?
Dot: No, ‘cause I’m not a quitter.
Dot: *Kicks the door open, looking panicked*
Fenth: What did you do?!
Dot: NOBODY DIED!
Fenth: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!
Dot: I can never give Fenth shit because I’m jealous of them. They look at their life and say, “Sweet! This is perfect!”
Dot: I look at my life and say, “Welp. Time to get drunk.”
Dot: *walking around disappointed after visiting an aquarium*
Fenth: , what did you think a tiger shark was?
Eiria: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me?
Fenth: Depends. Is your bed comfortable?
Eiria: Yes.
Fenth: I'd sleep.
Eiria: When I was young, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rockstar. I'm not proud of it.
Fenth: You're kind of proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations.
Eiria: Ugh, crushes are so dumb.
Fenth: I know. Whenever I’m near the person I like I just start acting stupid.
Eiria: But you’re always acting stupid?
Fenth: ...
Fenth: Yeah, don’t think about that too hard.
The Librarian: Come to dinner tonight. I can’t cook, but I’ll bring plenty of free wine.
Elder Cadia : Marry me.
The Librarian: I still have no idea how I’m attracted to you...
Elder Cadia : Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me, and no take backs, honey.
Elder Cadia : Are you an F5 key? Because that ass is refreashing.
The Librarian: Are you a software update? because not right now.
Elder Cadia : Fuck you.
The Librarian: No u.
Elder Cadia : I'm down.
The Librarian: You're like 2, what the fuck-
Elder Cadia : I AM NOT 2!
The Librarian: Is something burning?
Elder Cadia , leaning seductively on the counter: Just my desire for you.
The Librarian: Elder Cadia , the toaster is literally on fire.
The Librarian: Are you sure Elder Cadia 's even gay? They barely even looked at me.
Elder Cadia : This date is boring!
The Librarian: This isnt a date. I said I was going to the store.
Elder Cadia : Then why did you invite me?
The Librarian: I didnt, I specifically said "dont come with me" then you said " fuck you The Librarian I'll do whatever I want!
Elder Cadia : Go fuck yourself.
The Librarian, smugly: Sure, but only if you watch
Elder Cadia : Can I have 2 straws with that milkshake?
The Librarian: Aww-
Elder Cadia : With 2 straws, I can drink it double as fast!
The Librarian: Bro, I had a dream we fucked.
Elder Cadia : Bro, relax it was just a dream.
The Librarian: Huh, gay, I wouldn’t fuck you.
Elder Cadia : You wouldn’t?
The Librarian: I mean, unless you want to-
Elder Cadia : Are you ready to commit?
The Librarian: Like, a crime or a relationship?
The Librarian: Hey, I’m getting in the shower. Wanna help me out?
Elder Cadia : ...Have you never taken a shower before?
The Librarian: Ugh, crushes are so dumb.
Elder Cadia : I know. Whenever I’m near the person I like I just start acting stupid.
The Librarian: But you’re always acting stupid?
Elder Cadia : ...
Elder Cadia : Yeah, don’t think about that too hard.
The Librarian: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-
Elder Cadia : I wrote you a poem.
The Librarian, already crying: You did?
The Librarian: Are we fighting or flirting?
Elder Cadia : I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-
The Librarian: Your point?
Elder Cadia : Did you know you remind me of all 26 letters of the alphabet?
The Librarian: What? Like J F K W S Q X-
Elder Cadia : No, like, U R A Q T.
The Librarian: Awwww!
The Librarian: I think I just figured something out. I got to go.
Elder Cadia : Aren't you forgetting something?
The Librarian: Uuh...*hesitantly kisses Elder Cadia 's forehead before running out.*
Elder Cadia : No, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?
The Librarian: Relationships should be 50/50. Elder Cadia cooks us dinner while I sit on the kitchen counter looking pretty.
Elder Cadia : I like your new pants!
The Librarian: Thanks, they were 50% off!
Elder Cadia : I’d like them better if they were 100% off. *winks*
The Librarian: The store can’t just give away clothes for free.
Elder Cadia : Thats’s… not what I meant.
The Librarian: That’s a terrible way to run a business, Elder Cadia .
Elder Cadia : Know why I called you in here?
The Librarian: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic.
Elder Cadia : *Stops pouring two glasses of wine.* Accidentally?
Elder Cadia : I’m in love with you.
The Librarian: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork.
Elder Cadia : I know.
The Librarian: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-
The Librarian: We have a problem.
Elder Cadia : No, YOU have a problem. I have an idiot who keeps making them.
Elder Cadia : Did it hurt when you fell-
The Librarian: From heaven? Wow, I didn’t think you were such a flirt-
Elder Cadia : No, I meant when you fell down the stairs.
The Librarian: ...
Elder Cadia : You just laid there for 15 minutes.
The Librarian: *angrily presses Elder Cadia against a wall* WHERE'S THE MONEY?!
Elder Cadia : ...
Elder Cadia : Are we about to kiss-
Elder Cadia : Look, last night was a mistake.
The Librarian: A sexy mistake.
Elder Cadia : No, just a regular mistake.
Elder Cadia : I love you.
The Librarian, not paying attention: What was that?
Elder Cadia : I said I’m selling you to the zOo-
Elder Cadia : I love you.
The Librarian, not paying attention: What was that?
Elder Cadia : I said I’m selling you to the zOo-
The Librarian: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.
Elder Cadia : But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.
The Librarian: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??
Elder Cadia : Is it working?
Elder Cadia : Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
The Librarian: Okay.
Elder Cadia : And make out during the scary parts.
The Librarian: Th-
The Librarian: The scary parts.
The Librarian: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
The Librarian: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me?
Elder Cadia : Depends. Is your bed comfortable?
The Librarian: Yes.
Elder Cadia : I'd sleep.
*The Librarian and Elder Cadia are in Paris.*
The Librarian: I'm...moved. I...I don't know what it is I'm feeling right now. I feel...destiny?
Elder Cadia : But...
The Librarian: I don't know what it is. I feel like... I just never thought I'd see it with my own two eyes. And here it is. It's just there. It's right in front of me, and...
Elder Cadia : This is what you wanted to see? The bridge from Inception?
The Librarian: Yeah.
Elder Cadia : But the Eiffel Tower is behind us, babe.
The Librarian: Yeah, but this is the bridge FROM INCEPTION.
Elder Cadia : Okay, alright.
The Librarian: Wow, Elder Cadia , you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you.
Elder Cadia : We literally slept together yesterday.
The Librarian: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands.
Elder Cadia : Sorry I’m late, I was doing things.
The Librarian: Hi, I’m ‘things’.
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🔪Yan! 2p Italy hc's🥀:
T.W : Heavy description of tortures /non-con use of drugs / implied non-con / Dead dove: Do not eat / abuse/ Brainwashing / mental illness < I do not romanticize nor degrade it, if portrayed incorrectly I'll fix it > neglect / obsessive behavior / unhealthy behavior / Luciano himself / generally really really dark shit not for feint of heart.
X - First sighting: In a Nightclub, which was hosted by a rival mafia. His goal was to take care of his enemy,lest he ruins his "business".
Yet, He didn't find his prey. Frustrated and vexed, Luciano strode hurriedly pushing anyone in his way. However, He didn't expected to be called out by.... ,at first he thought a measle, a divine lady such as you.
At least, this failed ploy brought him a new bird for his enjoyment ; that will be inserted into a cage that she will never ever leave.
X- Infatuation: Her figure burned in his mind, Her fragrance stung his nose, Her sharp arched eyes haunts his dreams, and.......her mellifluous voice along with her gallant actions has attracted him so so badly.
Luciano hadn't an ounce of sleep since then,but was preoccupied planning to cage his only one. Smirking and laughing dauntly at the idea of possessing an angel, or much preferable a songbird that will sing a song of praise and adoration for him. Only him.
Yandere type: Possessive,Sadistic,Controlling.
Luciano values power above anything else , and that extend to his s/o. Anything that cements him power over his s/o , i.e. : marriage, is granted to happen whether the s/o has a choice is up to debate.
Another thing, he will nitpick his s/o willpower; so he could relish his power through this torment.
Speaking of torments, by god any misconduct - small or big - will be chastised through many forms of tortures.
Luciano is a major sadist (Not the worst,but bad enough to declare him as the second worst) and he gets off from the cries,screams, and begging from his pretty little pet ~ .
If anything, he anticipate her disobedience; so he could see the terrific fear running amok in her irises. Oh~ such a turn on and mark of possession.
Prepare to be dictated by a tyrant charismatic man who does see you as an object to fulfil his megalomanic fantasies cherishes and adore you to a degree that you're not aware enough; so much that he will buy the world for your whims .From your everyday clothes to your behaviour will fit his sick visionary criteria of an exhilarating trapped prisoner lady.
But, worry not you're irreplaceable to him. Aren't you happy to receive the recognition and courtesy of a man with high calibre as Luciano. You deserve only the best, and he is the best for you. Luciano will make sure of it.
X- Method of stalking and frequency of it ? Frankly, he is most likely to be busy, so he'll send his men to 'observe' you. However, if otherwise he will come and play on your fears giving you the false sense of security. Then he will take you out into a new world,where you'll be spoiled as long as you don't disobey him.
X- How do they treat their s/o ?
More of an object, where he can project all his desire on. But, that doesn't mean he doesn't care for you. If anything he truly does, however not in the conventional sense. More so the s/o is obedient, Luciano will mellow down and be much less paranoid and fanatical.
On these day, he will be much courteous and kind enough to let his darling out on a picnic,library, museums,etc....... . Also, they will drown in his wealth,company, and anything they wished for as long as she submits herself completely to him as he did to her.
+ Nickname for their s/o?
Anything that indicates possession over s/o and elegant names that suits his glorious s/o. Ex: My nightingale - My songbird - Mio amore- My dove - My Juliet, My bitch, mockingbird,etc....
Punishments:
Little Nightingale has been naughty! that simply won't do. Well, you forced his hands for what's going to occur to you now. However, Luciano is delighted to put both his best loved in action ; that is his expertise in torment and his treasure.
Most of his torture consists of physical, psychological, and slight sexual. However, he specializes and adores psychological because it relish his power and gives a boost to his narcasstic ego along with that the gorgeous cascade that runs from your engaging pupils and shrilling voice of a weeping angel.
Ego Fragmenting: This method consist of killling identity of oneself, usually by psychedelic drugs. Also, known as ego death. A process Luciano will make his darling undertake by forcing drugs that will eat slowly at her neurotransmitter such as: DMT,LSD,MDMA,and similar drugs. As it will alter her perception of reality making her valnurable - leaving her in a transcendence state- and in need of his assistant. Plus it's a sure way to kill a rebellious mockingbird.
Learned Helplessness: The process above will lead to this one which is another process,but worse.Learned helplessness is behavior exhibited by a subject after enduring repeated aversive stimuli beyond their control. After the s/o is subjected to different mindfucks and drugs she'll become more accepting and apathetic of what's happening to her rendering her from thinking of treason escape.
Classical Brainwashing: After his work of art is done. Luciano will start mending and twisting his s/o to make the greatest masterpiece of all. 'Now be a good little girl for me and sit in my lap and please me~. I know you in and out disobeying me will make me upset and you don't want that do you ~ ?'
Cat O' Nine: Luciano isn't above using this if you persist (somehow, by a will of a damn saint) even more and if you tried to escape. He'll beat out the common sense out of you until a rivulets of ruby-like substance come out of you. Lo and behold Such a wonderful sight ! (What a prick! If you ask me :/)
Degradation/non-con: By God, if s/o pissed him (mind you, he is short tempered. So, dont tread on thin ice)off beyond the breaking point...well...you're pretty fucked literally and figuratively. At this point, he pretty much take you without the consideration-no lubrication either-of your feeling because in the end you'll eat it like the fucking whore you are and you're his belonging whether you like or not. At this point, Luciano is self-indulgent and impulsive. (Basically, a sociopathic piece of shit. Good luck on escaping cause' you'll need it.) It is horrid as it is that he is paranoid enough that he locks his darling in a huge-ass bird cage and will deprive the comforts inside as punishment.
In Conclusion:
There is a saying that the apple never falls far from the tree. Well in this case, it true. The sadism and machiavellianism manifested form his grandfather,Titus, neglect and borderline-abusive parenting. As years grown, his condition got worse until he committed his first offence senicide to protect his brother and to gain the absolute power he always looked up for.
Despite the power he has, Luciano is much a coward when he lack his assists as he usually abuses his authority and sacrifice his pawns to gain whatever he want(instead of doing it himself). To put it simply a treacherous man-child throwing tempers.
His obessison for power and beauty stem from the poverty he and his brother suffered from his monster of a guardian. That's why his s/o boldness and that....enticing bodice brought the attention of a hungry-driven beast to a fierce doe.
Chances of escaping is low to diminished unless you're clever enough to trick the trickster himself. If by any miracle chance you did expect a multiple deaths in the area you're living and be arrested for a crime you've never committed. Plus, a raving monster the next day. Wonderful ! Is it not?!
He has a huge libidos, so good luck satisfying it. Most of the time,Luciano will take your consent apart from when he is in tantrums. In addition, before he have s/o, he used to have a flings and that stopped when he saw his beauty.
One of the most paranoid and fanatical yandere brought to you by detrimental childhood and not getting help™.
Unlike other yandere, Luciano lets his s/o come to him not the other way around by luring her into his heavenly trap. Also, Luciano is an excellent actor as he can hide his lecherous rage with his charming flirtatious attitude that is used as a mean to gain s/o before unveil how much of.... a bastard he is. A smooth bastard.
A behaving darling keeps the demon away ™.
"Then he slowly saw their nightmares were his dreams"
~ Monster by
Meg & Dia
A/n: I am sorry for the delay. Writer block is just horrendous. But, here you go hope you like it. Like usual pic doesn't belong to me.
#yandere fandoms#yandere x reader#yandere imagines#yandere#yandere hetalia x reader#yandere x you#yandere hetalia#2p hetalia#yandere 2p hetalia#tw: mental manipulation#tw: yandere#tw: abuse#tw: violence#tw: torture#tw: toxic relationship#tw: brainwashing
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• Cade is born three years after Tess, enough time for Tess' parents to be like "did we fuck up?" and then they have Cade who is...the opposite of Tess and are like ah no, our daughter is just Like That
• Tess is not small, but she is quiet. She blends in. She's unsettling up close and from afar, watching you, but middle distance is comfort zone. You see her face but you're sure she's like that because she's lost in thought, not watching you.
• Cade is used to this by the time he is old enough to realise it is not normal for your older sister to have dead doll eyes and a flat expression and no smile lines by the time she's graduated highschool as you're like halfway through it and your friend leans over and says hey, that chick's weird and you say that's my sister and your friend winces.
• Tess is someplace else by the time Cade graduates, with her statement of watch the car not like a warning or a hope because Tess doesn't Do That, it's just a request that while she can't, Cade will do it for her. He'll watch the car.
• Before she leaves though, Tess is a good older sister.
• She never runs out of patience for the more emotional member of the family. Cade cries about a bunch of things, largely out of his control, which is when he cries the hardest - he stood on a snail once, he tripped over a dog, he dropped a guy's coffee, the list is endless and Tess is always there to sit, lend her shoulder, pat him on the back and go. It's not exactly comfort, but it's never shame like others offer. Never you're such a fucking pansy, even your sister cries less than you. Cade appreciates it in a way others dont get.
• Tess has never cried, actually. She got handed her baby brother at three years old, looked him over curiously, and then gave him to her dad so she could eat. Since then, Tess has been to three funerals and one emotional wedding. She's never teared up. Cade is sort of jealous of this cause he's meant to be a man, damnit till Tess leans down and says, quiet, if people make fun of you for crying, tell me and I'll beat them up. She's eleven the first time she says it, but she means it.
• Cade would get angry on the behalf of her, because people make fun of the girl with a large lack of expression - never to her face, but out of ear shot - and Cade mentions it all sad and crying cause you're a good sister and Tess pats his shoulder and says whatever other people say about me doesn't mean shit unless I agree, so Cade nods and goes to sleep and says shut the fuck up, man, you're just jealous she doesn't look at you like you're a king when a bully jeers at Tess.
• He gets punched for it, obviously, but Tess comes in and takes care of it and stands by his shoulder when the bully walks out to his dad's car. Cade says I didn't mean to get him in trouble and Tess says I know and that's that. It's acknowledgement and no thank you and Cade doesn't need her to thank him for being a good little brother when she's a good older sister.
• There's an ugly phase where Cade hates her like he hates everything because he's young and angry and he cries a lot and his friends keep saying you're a fucking pansy and Tess listens to his sobbing breakdown about how he's so fucking weak, he cried over a dead bird, and Tess says I'm too weak to carry feelings like you do and it's the oddest fucking thing Cade's ever heard. He looks up and says what? and Tess continues you feel so much that you have to cry to let it out. There is so much in you that it breaks. I've never been strong enough to carry that.
• Their dad Mike listens from outside their door and smiles, just a bit, because Tess doesn't lie, and Cade sounds mystified, and he is gonna have words with the school that lets this bullying happen. Tess gets Cade his favourite ice cream and they watch a movie together, Cade sobbing at the end, Tess quiet beside him.
• I don't want, Tess says, very simply, when Cade asks her what he thinks he should be when he grows up, when he's young and his older sister somehow manages to make him fly. He doesn't recognise the meaning of it then, but Tess dies, and Cade sits in the car she and their dad repaired and sobs, remembers; I don't want, so that you'll know what you want to be belongs to you.
• She means; I don't want, so want for yourself. She means; I don't want, so be whatever you want to be. She means; I don't want, so when you want something, don't think about what I might want for you.
• Tess dies, and she says watch the car, and Cade becomes a therapist for kids who are so much, and strong enough to carry that, to stand in front of the dam and survive what comes out. He says, my older sister said she was too weak to carry emotion, and there is so much inside us that it has to break, and feeling is not a weakness: feeling so much is strength in being able to carry something so big for so long that it has to break so you can breathe afterwards.
• She was not a conventional good sister, and she was barely a person, and her personality consisted of punching the things inside you that you never even wanted pointed out, but Cade misses her, and Tess in his head says you're strong enough to carry this and Cade keeps going.
• Mike and Tess got along for very simple reasons, of which there were two: she was his kid, and she got the job done. He asked her to take out trash and she did and he asked her to hold Cade and she did and he told her to make sure Cade's bullies didn't get away with shit and she did.
• He sticks her in fighting classes and she's a model student. She's good, and she grows tall like her dad, graduating at six foot four inches, broad and apathetic and good at the shit she's trained in. The classes are satisfying, she thinks. Release of tension. Fighting is focus and rhythm and she still likes her back alley brawl moves, but this is nice, too.
• Mike hands her a grease stained rag when Cade's over at a friends house one weekend and says you're gonna learn how to fix a car and means: love is not emotion, it is dedication and time shared. It's a lesson Tess keeps. Love is not a feeling, because she can't feel. It is time, and dedication, and her dad teaching her the mechanics of an old car, and that's all she needs.
• She has a dream where someone cuts her open and she's all car parts and engine grease like blood, oil in her mouth, the lucid dream reality of seeing rust on her ribs made of cracked metal. This is a dream Irca enjoys, the idea of metal inside. A conduit. A lightning rod. Tess wakes up and brushes her teeth and doesn't lose sleep over it. A dream is a dream, and logic says she's muscle, fat, and bone.
• Her mother isn't always around, but she's the loud love. She kisses Cade's messy hair and reminds him to brush his teeth and pulls out a game of sudoku when Cade is at school but Tess is sick and feverish and red eyed, stuck in her bed and emotionless still. They get along like friends do. It's hard to feel loved by a face that doesn't show it but Tess says this is car maintenance in her fever haze and Allison nods and accepts it. This is car maintenance.
• Mike says I told her love is maintaining it and it makes a little more sense.
• Yes, her watch the car means: I'm asking you to maintain this love because I can't.
• Tess shows up randomly in their house years after she dies, taller and bigger and scarred, her eyes gold in an unfamiliar place, and Cade says Tess? from where he's standing on the stairs and Tess says hello and it's not an emotional reunion like the movies but Cade cries and Tess says you watched the car and Cade, who knows what that means from Mike saying, as they were cleaning out the old car, this is what Tess did with me to show she loved us, cries into her shoulder.
• Allison and Mike come home early with Questions because Cade called and Tess says I didn't leave on purpose and that Means Something when your daughter values choice and maintainence, and it's muddled but it means: I'm sorry and I didn't mean to leave and if I'd been here I'd have maintained the car, I promise.
• She says I have to leave again in a week, and the exact time limit was vague, and can we work on the car again? It's a goodbye she gets to have, this time. She isn't choosing to leave but she's giving them a warning.
• Cade is curious as to what the fuck is up, and your eyes were gold? and Tess sparks her hands up with lighting and Cade stares at it and goes cool. in a dazed voice. Mike is fascinated and horrified. He asks how it happened and Tess says an entity found my lack of emotion interesting, and I think I they wanted me to panic, and I can control it.
• Where were you? Allison asks, like a mother with a kid who stayed out too late instead of a mother with a daughter that disappeared for years, and Tess says another world and she's never lied before. Allison says what the fuck and Tess says there was no sudoku. Allison laughs then cries then laughs again.
• Can you stay? Mike asks, somehow the begging optimist of this situation, because Allison spent all her hope at the start and Cole is a therapist. His daughter is so much bigger now, and her hands are electric, and she's covered in scars, and she looks at him over the hood of the car and says I have a car, over there, and I will buy a new one for you.
• The end of the week comes, and Tess has notes written, left in their coat pockets. Cade and Allison and Mike all have pictures of her. She was there for a week, and she worked on the car.
• They put their most treasured belongings of her in the car and smile at it every time they leave the house.
#writeblr#atlas-works#original writing#writers on tumblr#character study#original characters#stream of conscious writing
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strawberry shortcake s2 ep1 - horse of a different color
this one was suggested by someone who couldnt keep their mouth shut and not sing the strawberry shortcake intro theme in the middle of our economy class
no one wanted to hear that, but they went ahead and then i actually followed up on that train of thoughts
i remembered about the fucking cartoons and i knew it pronto: its a must-see shit its like slightly above the level of magical school bus series, but the final rating is for the fin not the beginning
so lets begin this horseshit:
were reviewing “horse of a different color”, it focuses indeed on strawberrys horse, honey pie pony (its her entire damn name, how sweet right? like all of them, i got diabete from this review but its the cost of maintaining this blog
anyway, the kids are playing together on a that tree having fun jumping around like chimpanzees hooba hooba but sadly our filly quickly realizes she cant play king kong with them and keep falling on her ass,
yet since theyre all retarded or young (id say its a fifty-fifty case for them kinda normal ig, i mean they ARE literal 6yo) they try several ways of getting her up on that tree, not thinking how to get her down if they ever were to succeed (good for them: aint happening)
its child labor too btw, from an horse still same deal what if honey pie fell down on them? crushing them corpses with her mighty pounds? the findus company would be delighted to hear such news, im sure its some quality (sweet ass) horse meat
once it all fails she understands a horse isnt meant to climb a tree, too big too fat its four legged, not even entertaining the relationship giraffes have with trees
but it aint over, then (after a talk with herself) hp hears the laughters of a bunch of kids which catches her attention, it always does who can ignore that sorta noise? although she aint annoyed by it shes just into the idea of riding a bike now, shes even gonna get a go at it oh yea thats it we finally found her human hobby gogdamn
shes a backward furry
of course it fails aswell since she has no hand for the handle and shes heavy so i guess its the reason why she rides into w/e and cant stop? because otherwise she couldve also just.. actually it makes no sense does it? i mean she couldve easily stopped the ride actually
how is that kid bike even holding her? ive never tried putting a pony on a bike for 6 y/o but i doubt about its capacity in not being crushed aswell as i doubt in the kids bones not being severely damaged after a visit under honey pies horsy buttcheeks
but all of that really makes her sad: she cant play with her human friends and shes the only horse around strawberry land or whatever see me tearing it for her, theres so much emotions in this episode especially after that filly trynna get kids to get into some horseplay horseshit
like dude theyre only 6, lets go easy on them, might have a problem with the parents of the kids watching this episode
no one even thought how fucked up this one part is? sure horseplay isnt only sexual or w/e but it still is the visual of 6yos on all four jumping around and neighing together with their ass a little bit too exposed wow im going on a dangerous road here? aint i? not gonna sue the writers
im sure it was their subconscious speaking probably got issues from their childhood, eventually got them sorted out since 2004 what do i know? aside from me not caring
back on track : after seeing horsey being so sad the kiddos decide to get her a horse friend but where the fuck? they got no idea, they are proud nonetheless and go tell honey the good new until they are like “wait but we have no idea where to find horses!” ofc we get a big reveal, some
serious strawberry shortcake lore: actually all the horses, ALL OF THEM FROM THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET are on one (1) single island: ice cream themed to diversify it all they are just chilling over there in ponyland and for some reason this one here got lost or idk guys she took the boat and
checked the rest of the world out as an even younger filly, found strawberry and her friends and decided now she was a centaur slash humanrry furry human, idk you get it but shes their friend and so on
to introduce the concept of an AWESOME island full of equestrian activity and ofc ice cream but its kinda lame because who cares? everythings already made out of food, also why isnt the ice cream melting? its one water? nevermind
for the introduction as i was saying, hp sings an horrendous sounding song it deteriorated my ear drums they got pierced or something or maybe im exagerrating? either case
horses cant sing:
so to the ice cream land they go, huh
of course it wouldnt be a big adventure without an almost broken bridge
oh no whatever shall we do? could we possibly cross it safely? lets try it out guys: yay it worked good for us
little stress and suspense it was wack how they got honey pie out of the hole her big ass hoove made im mesmerized by the power of friendship and sugar at this point, just in full awe for the rest of the episode probably over dosed on all the ice cream flavoured horseshit, i got some all over my mouth
its dripping on my desk i gotta clean that later
next thing we know: horses
its all this episode is about (aside from labor) but you see, so far hp would switch between normal human language and neighing well turns out her other fellow equines can only neigh and so they just neigh together while our english well-spoken mammal translates to the moronic kids who just smile smuggly
of course the animals are having a welcome party then, dancing around while the morons are just bored, harsh one being a cartoon character isnt it guys? w/e
theyre gonna ask for honey pie to come back home now, convinced that her natural habit isnt her place and she loves them too much to just leave them and never come back and break any plans they ever had together-
oh shit looks like shes leaving forever huh? what a plot twist mark that on the bitch quota for today
the first one to leave is the little boy btw, important thing to note: hes the biggest pussy he cant even face reality: oh no, no more pony back time before sleep thats quite a bummer, downer and man how are they going to survive now they got no animal to watch over them? jesus theyre soon, on the boat (idk where
they got it from idk why suddenly theyre on a boat because then theyre once again gonna cross that bridge but ok) anyway yea theyre having a relationship crisis during that ship trip yada yada
ah and the bridge, because (see i do not call them morons for now reasons obviously they deserve this title not only because theyre 6 but also because they are just daft:) they proceed, once in the middle of the bridge all 4 of them, to stop and wonder
“will the bridge be able to hold all of us? wont it break? damn i wonder if it will crack” and they talks without moving until vlam: a tree comes and breaks it (dont ask)
so now theyre in trouble:
back to ponyland: bitch pie realizes how much she misses her actual friends and that she can speak english which her other horse friends cant do so she is special and probably abnormal, shes a big outcat of the pony society and has no other reason but to escape her incoming death sentence for fraternizing with the humans
of course none of the second part is true, she just wants to see the kids again so she says asta la vista baby to the neigher team and runs away
see, she hasnt taken the boat and yet also arrive to the bridge? why a boat sequence then? i will skip this for now but it WILL play in the rating, imagine im the parent of the youngster watching this crap and i have to endure it
if it sucks this bad and is this illogical i might just get bored and change the channel, idc my progeny aint gonna be watching this in either case, ill make them watch political debates then interrogate them on what they learned after what but it wasnt actual political debates just random furry youtuber venting with their fursona sprites animated and thats how you make your kids retarded, the kick of this joke is that i aint planning on getting any kids but totally gonna make them watch classics too such as the attack of the killer donuts as soon as they reach 6 so they wont be dumb and probably not getting diabete or w/e in their adulthood
then honey pie saves the kids btw all of them, heavy shit
and they all go back to strawberryland, happily after a big “wow i missed you sm, you are my real friends w/e if you dont look like me i aint speciest guys really!” theyre all vegan too btw so this works for them
i havent watched enough strawberry shortcake episodes to know if they ever eat meat but i have doubts seeing how theyre into a very cannibalistic diet which include eating dessert when obviously thats what they are at least half part, this cartoon raises a lot of political questions it may have a deeper value than i first attributed to it
the end: another terrible song plays about horseshit and how tasty it is
thats all folks
so the rating: big 6/10, so you know 5/10 if its a decent kid show where im highly eager to click on the x and get back making jams but nah
surprisingly enough, i only wanted to stop watching half of the episode and not the entirity of it so credits for thats since im an adult and not a kid,
imagining kids enjoyed this sweet childish cartooness or w/e
now why +1? its because of how many political questions it raised, how it made me think about our society and cakes yknow its more than kids having a conflict with an horse
it talks about veganism, specism, handicap, cannibalism, the management of the limited ressources were exploiting and so on
yea really makes you think, its subliminal messages to make kids smarter: they watch their dessert-imbecile counterparts doing bs and then get it right irl: good ah- it also makes it better for you
when youre watching this with your kid, you suddenly transcend to another level of spirituality, existential crisis activated or at least reasoning mode or w/e youre willing to name this the point is you arent bored
still despite all of this i rated it quite low for such a serious kid cartoon what couldve possibly made me tic?
1) kids are morons and cant understand all of this, not clear enough for the targeted public
2) projection onto the characters/dialogues from the writers of their childhood traumas (the horse play event didnt go unnoticed, karren brown)
3) my little pony ripoff
4) its controversial, our society, especially in 2004 couldnt understand the depth of this shit
and finally 5) i got so much ice cream flavoured horseshit all over my desk god help me this is so filthy what a fucking mess
i would totally recommand it to anyone who feels like being blown away by the statements made in this work of art
6/10 but really we all know in the future, itll be a 9/10, some ahead-of-its-time-crap
tg,
out
#strawberry shortcake#cartoon review#cartoons#sike reviews#child labor#pony labor#art#classic#diabete fuel#reviews
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Dungeons and Dragons Loneliness
Another interview with lofi music. Today was a pretty shitty day, alot on my mind. Here to unload.
Today’s mood: Fuck it all...
It’s a mad addiction, a horrendous one. It’s all I think about, it’s all I want to talk about. Or almost anything fantasy related. I’ve recently gotten a little closer with one of my co workers. Delerner Banks, everyone calls him Del. He’s always in the tunnel, and always brings warhammer books to read and do work (whatever it is he’s working on.) We talk about fantasy related things all the time, and sometimes we bounce ideas off each other, feeling out our thoughts of settings and lore. Talking to him about some fantasy before leaving work made me feel alot better. The loneliness inside has been eating at me.
I know it’s salt, I know its jealousy, that I’m mad at my friends. They been hanging out more without me, playing cards and shit. Its not a passion of mine, its fun sometimes, but its still not me. Its what they bond over, its what they do together, and that’s what theyre into. If I had to guess, they’re okay with Dungeons and Dragons, but even my best friend said that I take it too serious. Its fallen out of their favor, it eats up a lot of time, and they each have their version of what a fun campaign would be like. In me, I said to myself, “Fine, fuck it. I’ll have to assemble another crew to play with.” Tough situation then isn’t it? Wanting to play a social game that needs bodies, during an age where social gatherings are frowned upon, because they carry a potential to spread a virus... Still, this is what I want to do. I want a group of friends, who share the same passion I do. My current friends must think ill of me, they may just want to hang out. They think that if they come hang with me, I’ll want a game of DnD without a doubt. They just want to chill and kick it, they don’t want to roll dice. But ask me once and I’ll tell you yes twice, to playing DnD.
I love it with all my heart, all of the contents and materials are here, ready to play. No extra investments, no money needed to be spent, we can get going off of nothing like we did back then. A table top roleplaying game, we started with cardboard and lego figures, and just two books to share. But there was fun to be had, and a few heated sessions. But fun it was, the more we played the deeper i grew fond of the game. I’m even willing to experiment with other systems if I have someone to guide me. With cards, you gotta constantly update your arsenal to keep up with the meta, and let’s be real, not playing anything remotely close to meta isn’t as fun. Different formats allow different decks, and to keep current you gotta keep up. I dont have the fundings for it, I dont have the luck. I would rather buy a module that’ll last for years, versus a pack of cards. I have two books that have skyrocketed in value, cards go up and down like stocks. But thats the appeal I suppose, I don’t care for it though.
Back to the thing at hand, I’m in their group chat as they make plans. I can’t be there for all that. But fuck it, that’s all Im going to say. Fuck it, on repeat, until its engraved into my head. Pride is getting the best of me, I refused to be denied again. If it’s not something they want to do, so be it, I need to look out for me in the end. I must muster up the courage to start playing online again, the first one wasn’t bad, but it fell apart. I need to get the courage to be social, and get over the fear that everyone expects you to be a pro player. I’m scared going into this green still, roll20 isn’t my forte. But if I want to play DnD, this seems to be my only option. It may fulfill my wish, to find friends who are just as passionate as I. My other friends, they’re over on the other side. Its fine, it truly is, they have one another, and I need to be strong. I need to find the strength in this loneliness, even though its tearing me apart. My circle becomes smaller, thats just the way of the world. Adapt to survive, be formless like water...
Dungeons and Dragons, my greatest escape. I can be anybody, and do things I normally can’t. I can clobber up bad guys, indecent folk, and finesse my way out of punishment from the law. I can save a village, a town, a kingdom, when I can hardly save myself. I can fly, cast spells, break locks, imagination is my only limit. I can hoard and amass vast amounts of riches, I myself can even become a dragon. I don’t have to be me, although a bit of me resides in everyone I’ve made before. I can never truly separate myself, from those Ive breathed life into. For hours on end, I can go anywhere, do anything, I melt into the world thats placed before me.
Because the reality is that I’m practically shit, and nobody. The world is fucked up and jacked up and spiraling down the drain. I’m mentally fucked and my physicality is pretty much the same. I’m stuck in place when the world is demanding me to change. I lost with no real direction. No map in hand, no guide, and I’m scared out of my mind. I don’t know whether to trust the process or commit suicide. Im not sure where I’ll end up, if it’s good or bad. Im struggling, I’m suffering, and there seems to be no end. I could say I’m trying, but I would be lying, if I had to look at the brighter side. The positive things in life are so hard to identify. But my emotions are raw and hit hard, slamming against the walls in my skull. Demanding me to give them attention...and attention I give them, as they tear me up. Like being pulled at by the limbs, drawn and quartered is the method it seems like today. I was thinking that I couldn’t drink forever, my body would eventually reject. But what if I drank energy drinks on end, a heart attack to get me out of this place. I can down those all day long, so whats stopping me from taking that way out of it? Less grotesque and violent, it’ll probably be painful as hell. An organ seizing up, as the body ceases the function. I get said thinking about it sometimes, but one day, enough will be enough. But damn that lady...damn her for speaking those words... Tomorrow. If nothing is better by tomorrow, then do as you may. But sleep it off, tomorrow is another day.
It’s not verbatim, but its the gist. Just wait for tomorrow, and hopefully things will change. The choice is still mine to make, and something in me pushes me forward, keeps me going on. Sometimes I think about who I’m leaving behind, and maybe how much it’ll hurt. The evil darkness inside me says that they’ll get over it, they have to, and time doesn’t wait. I won’t be immortalized, I’ll simply end up a statistic. That maybe itll be a few years the sadness remains fresh, but wounds always heal. Discrediting my actual existence, and any form of relations. Like I wouldn’t have made any actual impressions, people don’t weep for me now. People kind of forget I exist already, what makes me think they won’t after I’m gone?
I think about my folks, my grandma, my girlfriend, my second family, and other close dear friends. I think about how many last will letters I would have to put out there, before I call for the curtains. Sometimes, I say I will start writing them, but they give me pause. I end up not wanting to leave this world, after pouring out my heart. Because I don’t want to leave any questions behind for people who matter, I want them to know how I felt before I passed. I want to leave with them apart of me, so they would never forget.
Still it doesn’t change, shit is rough as of lately, work has been eating me up. I feel like Im never hundred percent, and me back on gaming is making it worst. I’ve gotten back onto Elder Scrolls Skyrim, its been my virtual version of DnD. Waiting for the Outer World Expansion, so I can get addicted to that again. All I want to do is play Dungeons and Dragons, the question is how do I make that into a living? I think being a Matthew Mercer is one in a million, I don’t think I’m that great. I’m willing to learn, grow, evolve because it is my passion, but I’m always scared of making mistakes. To be one of the greater Dungeon Masters, to be THE Wizards of the Coast Dungeon Master, it may possibly be the dream. To eat, sleep, breathe, Dee en Dee. My obsession isn’t that crazy though, I’m still behind on the lore of creatures and settings, I haven’t studied at all. But with the right drive and motivation, I would, especially with something as real as a legit group.
Enthusiastic players, who show up every week, bi weekly, once every month even, to play this fantastic game. Group of chill folks who is willing to take the Dungeon Master Mantle with I get burned out and have the desire to be in the player seat. One of those is the driving force, they make me want to plan. They make me want to make the world, the style, everything in general better, with the constructive feedback. I mean it’s been so long as I was a player in a campaign until the end, I’m beginning to think paying for a Dungeon Master wouldn’t be so bad. Once a month? A couple of hours? I mean I’m thinking like seven USD per hour? Eight isn’t bad, but after that it becomes a questionable amount. It repeats in my head, “No DnD is better than Bad DnD”, this much is probably still true. I say still because I still might want at least one session with said game, so I can at least say it was the worst after having attempt it, rolling something. Ha ha, I kid myself, I’m lying because I know the rage would be all to real and caution is my game most of the time. But I mean, I just might have to start exploring the idea, I was definitely going to ask on FaceBook if any Roll20 games was recruiting a newbie.
Alas, today won’t be the last time I speak on the matter, Dungeons and Dragons haunt me everyday. I stare at minis, I stare at the upcoming books and modules, and I watch youtube where they tell RPG Horror Stories, Its become a huge part of my life, such as dancing once was. It almost links right into my earliest talents...writing. I love to write, just like I’m doing now. Im fairly decent at the writing game if I must say. Hey, real life failed Bard here, I should make one who always ends up playing big bro, and end up being friendzoned by all his interests. Im short, so Halfling is very true. Am I charismatic? Who knows, I can’t say for sure. But yes, I feel like this is what I need, a solid weekly game, maybe once every two weeks, hell, once every month would still be great. Something to look forward to the very least, in this life of routine and mundane. Something to look forward to for me, something that’s my own. Something I don’t need my closer friends to be apart of, since they’re not interested anyhow. I’m really talking shit because I’m hella salty, but at least I’m being upfront. Get it all out now, before the typing is done.
It’s been a productive session, I may have to attribute it to Lofi it seems. The Lofi Hip Hop Radio on YouTube, also found on Spotify. Some tracks still strike me deep in the chest, giving me horrible flash backs and feeling in my chest. Others keep me going, forward, almost propelling. I’m currently training myself to be accustomed to the sounds, because I at first was very scared. That it would just transport me to a dark place and keep me there. I’ve been trying to confront my feelings more with this music, I think I felt better after last session like this. The more I faced myself, the better I became. Yes, I most definitely referenced Persona 4, another amazing and loved title because of the message it portrays. I always wondered what my shadow self would look like, and what they would say. But eh another time, I’m about to start rambling again. I have to conclude here, before I get off topic.
Until next time Tumblr...
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You'll be ok. If you feel your not, You can talk to me. Take care of yourself.
Thank you so much <3
I am just overwhelmed by everything right now.
Like my partner having no job by January. My mental health. My physical health like this year so far I’ve been told I have CNS dysfunction and FGID. I am being tested for Celiac. Oh and they found cysts on my ovaries then they tested and said it wasn’t what it could’ve been and now because of issues I’ve had my female GP who handles my contraception which is due up in January wants me to have another uhh thing to check the cysts and have another blood test because turns out I could actually have it..and it could affect my chances to have children naturally - I know what it was like for my mum she has the same condition and so if i have it I’m scared even though things are different now they know more and have better options its still like D:
It is like seriously though I’ve got two new things wrong with me although they havent yet like found the cause of the CNS dysfunction all the specialist could say is I hit some markers for Fibromyalgia but not enough but in her medical professional opinion I do have some form of CNS dysfunction but just not likely fibromyalgia my mum took me to see this specialist first purely because she has Fibro herself so she thought well lets start with an appointment with a rheumatologist who would like be able to check for fibro and a few other condtions.
So I kinda need to like now see I think the next step is a neuropsychologist but like I’ve been so stressed and ill right now trying to fight for my mental health treatment/therapy so I’ve not been like exactly thinking about making appointments for the CNS stuff. But it is impacting me it makes me get involuntary like twitches/jerks it feels like a jolt like a little electric jolt i guess down my body but not painful as such but it just makes my body go like suddenly my arms jerked to the left or Ive thrown the food in my hand across the room because my arm/wrist/hand w/e has suddenly twitched or w/e but sometimes i get the like electric like w/e feeling its hard to explain it like across my whole body from my head to my toes and at that point it can lead to me just sort of on and off twitching a bit more like less aggressively but more often in a space of time i usually end up sleeping it off so idk really I pretty much just always pass out asleep when I get that kind of feeling.
And like I wanna do stuff to like help ease his worries about money and the burden on him to support us financially and support me emotionally. But I’m not fit to work like not even a minor part time job really because I’d be so unreliable with the way my body is. I am also affected by sensory issues and other things so it’s just not I couldnt realistically right now engage in work for someone.
So I am trying to do like online things but I don’t...I...just I am getting kinda overwhelmed by that too. Cos I dont know where to start what to do. Like I do but I dont you know?
I mean...idk...Ive sold 3 pairs of sloth socks which was cool in the past like 2 weeks or is it 3 now since like i started like really seriously uploading to redbubble like before that I kept like uploading then removing my designs trying out different sites and so on I was trying to figure it out but I do now have it kinda figured out so that’s something. But now its like I’ve gotta get people to my freakin’ redbubble and its hard cos how an earth do i drive people to check out my store from the millions of others on the site. But also like I dont wanna like..
Idk I feel like and even though I have explained my situation on here I still kinda feel like I try to do it in a like not serious asking for help way in that i dont want it to come off as idk like I dont wanna be that person where its like i dont wanna be coming off as oh please help me feel sympathy towards me and feel sorry for me or pity me bs. I dont wanna be like appearing to be all I’m in desperate need pls help signal boost or buy to support me.
Cos I’m not you know I have my parents to help we’ll be moving back in hopefully before xmas where I won’t have to pay rent. For me this is more about you know when my parents aren’t there I need to have an income for me and my partner hes disabled too...so full time jobs for the both of us is not likely especially if his EDS (edlher danlos syndrome) gets worse ya know?
So I suppose my worries arent like of imminent threat of anything but more like in the future we’ll be fucked if i cant set down the foundations now for the potential for a long term income from various online strategies. But just even thinking about the future and that far ahead fucking terrifies me.
Not only because of all this but because I never really thought about the future I didnt see one for myself as far as I was concerned I’d be dead or I’d be just...idk I couldnt even imagine a future or if I thought I’d make it I wouldnt really care you know because I didnt have like that light in me to want to live so it wasnt like I wanted to survive and thrive and i couldnt see a ‘happy ending’ for myself and now i can and I want to make that come true but of course its a bit hard to envisage a nice happy future with Kade when literally everything depends on having money to eat and have a roof over our heads etc and its just..UGH
I feel like trash too because I feel like my worth is valued by my output/labour and at the moment my output isn’t really bringing in cash right now so my output wouldnt exactly be deemed as ‘good’ idk its just weird its not like an I feel worthless thing like depression low self esteeem shit its more just a sort of social cultural consensus/belief that is ingrained that we are not really worth anything unless we’re contributing to society i.e working , paying taxes and buying things to reinvest in our economy etc etc..everything is about how much a human is worth in value of £ssss to big corporations and governments and rich people and idk its just like...they do have a point you know i cant just sit around and not do anything to contribute..because..then i feel like you know im not ‘sick enough’ to warrant that so im just in this limbo i guess completely self enforced by my mind which just makes it all the stupider but it is what it is.
Venting this out has helped clear my mind some cos i mean at least its now out there in this void than just bouncing around my brain. Its why i write poetry too I guess idk why I just feel a release less tension SOMETIMES not all the time but sometimes it can help ease even if only slightly the chaos of my mind to just get it out there whether by chatting in person or writing it out like this just having it out there venting to someone or on a blog where people will read knowing like its not isolated within you still its relieving sometimes. So thanks for messaging me!
I hope you are having a good day so far! Idk timezones or where u r so it could be early there for you maybe your day is just starting..who knows! Its 2:37pm where I am right now though so I need to work or try to...(yet again me feeling if i dont work constantly I be like failing at life) lol
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Character cheat sheet
Alright so today I decided to rewatch bungou stray dogs cuz my writing is really lacking when it comes the all the characters. It feels like they’re more often than not out of character. So I wrote down notes on how they behave (and a lot of stray comments) and thought I’d share them in hopes that it might help someone else. Getting all these characters right is really hard after all. So, enjoy! And feel free to add/comment if you want to change something!
Here goes! Part 1/2 The Agency
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Atsushi
- very loud
- Lots of exclamation marks!
- Always looks worried, probably is as well
- Assume a lot
- There’s just so much panic in that small body
- Stutters
- Says stupid things to get out of something
- Not confident enough in his abilities
- Puts others above himself
- He needs to actually want to hurt someone or he doesn’t know how to fight
- Good instincts when it comes to fighting as well
- If this boy couldn’t regenerate he’d be dead by now
- Fighting spirit is much fueled by rage
- This naive little thing, stop believing everything people say
- Easily scared
- Jesus he’s gullible, stop listening to Dazai
- His will to protect others is admirable
- He can transform fully he just rarely does it
- Always sees good in people
- He is so done with everyone
- Uses San for almost everyone (as he should)
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Dazai
- Usually answer questions with questions
- Doesn’t correct assumptions
- Doesn’t make them himself
- Neutral/bored facial expression unless he’s teasing someone
- He actually is serious sometimes, actually pretty often
- Watashi
- Does go for some pretty long monologues when he explains things
- Actually listens to kunikidas orders
- Pain does in fact not bother him
- Watch him punch someone with a cheesy line
- He likes to tell the criminal how he figured it out or where they made a mistake
- Hands in pockets, always
- He shows surprise in his eyes
- Very mean when he has to, Akutagawa for example (see: my new subordinate is much better than you)
- Says Chuuya a lot, well people’s names in general
- All this pickpocketing
- I mean he can actually fight
- Also this jumping up from a laying position
- We already know he’s smart but Jesus, how do you write a character that’s smarter than yourself?
- He just sitting against the wall in a 90 degree angle so Chuuya can reach him, cute
- Does in fact not know everything, he does research to find what he needs
- He tells Oda about missions at lupin, lupin really must be mafia owned?
- “The biggest misfortune of Dazai’s enemies is that they are Dazai’s enemy”
- He did still joke a lot in the mafia, same lightheartedness as now.
- Does Dazai know it’s gonna end badly with oda? He wanted to take a picture to remember
- Uses a lot of fancy words even when young
- Carries a lock pick
- He guesses a lot and says he knew
- Dont feed him spicy food
- Fuzz up? I mean I know he curses in the manga but really?
- Basically never uses San (did he with Mori? Yes he does) Ane-San doesn’t count
- I’m happy that the mafia members are still scared of him, they know how ruthless he can be
- Does he have feelings?
- He really doesn’t predict everything, he’s just good at adapting
- He likes slapping people, you backhand that bitch, go dazai!
- Very flippant when he does something to help
- Red eeeeyeeees
- There’s no exceptions to his ability
- I wonder if he dislikes celebrations
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Kunikida
- gets angry easily
- Trusts Dazai when there’s need
- Much smarter than I give him credit for
- Super strong
- Acts on his feelings all the time
- Just.. ideals. I hadn’t realized how often he mentions them
- Very straightforward, he doesn’t say things in the nicest ways
- Shows his feelings on his face
- Calculating
- He’s proud of the younger ones but don’t show it
- Likes calling people idiots
- Can be really dense when it comes to normal things, as in not detective related shit
- Please stop listening to Dazai’s bullshit
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Kyouka
- serious
- So small and innocently cute
- Looks very cut off from reality, at least in the beginning
- She’s an assassin
- Seems like she just wants to try normal child things all the time, crepes for example.
- Maybe she missed out on growing up (like most others did)
- She’s killed 35 people
- The mafia scares her
- Is she scared of her ability? At least in the beginning
- She basically does anything others tell her
- So scared
- Doesn’t understand how normal people behave, just does as she’s learnt
- Strong independent woman (or 14 y/o)
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Yosano
- sadist
- Always ask if someone’s hurt and gets disappointed when they’re not
- Very nicely threatens people with dismemberment if they’re being a bitch
- Give them hell
- Doesn’t take anyone’s bullshit, if they’re wrong they’ll know
- Yes use that motor saw hon
- She relies on her ability a lot when she fights, though I’m sure she’s a good fighter nevertheless
- Threatens random people who are being unreasonable
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Ranpo
- very bored, always
- Does question the president when something is wrong
- He talks more than I actually thought, and it’s not always smart things, usually just rubbish
- Candy
- Very hyped when he gets to have fun
- And teaching Kyouka about candy yes
- “War is so boring” I agree Ranpo-San
- Doesn’t actually figure everything out at first glance, sometimes he asks or need clues
- Seems like he can figure people out in one glance though
- He does stupid things when he isn’t wearing his glasses, it’s a trap dear Ranpo
- Really he’s an idiot without them
- He believes in the glasses thing
- The president is the one who made his ability, sort of
- So he isn’t actually stupid without.. more like he believes he is
- The agency was created because of him
- “I’d look stupid if I turned out to be normal now” so he basically does know
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The Tanizakis
- she follows him everywhere
- His ability is so useful why don’t I ever write him?
- This sisterly love is... special
- He cares for her as much as she for him
- She shows everything on her face
- But she is very brave
- He is as well
- The brother is as old as Atsushi
- He worries most when she’s in danger
- “For Naomi I’d gladly burn the world”
- Well he can fly a plane
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President
- cares about everyone in the agency
- Appears out of nowhere
- My dude’s got a boat, probably have more than one safe house as well. Oh and a car. Imagine them owning a plane/helicopter. Note: they do in fact own a fighter plane
- Always knows what’s going on somehow
- Very fair in giving everyone a chance
- Looks pretty cold hearted
- Bet he’s got a thing for saving children as well (Odasaku would do great in the agency with him)
- Takes no bs
- How did Natsume get the permit for them?
- Op fighter, better than kunikida
- Puts it on others to explain plans
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Kenji
- he says such horrible things in such a nice way. (The person would be tied up and thrown off a cliff~)
- Really not aware how the world works
- Happy go lucky
- Doesn’t look at death with any feelings unlike Atsushi
- Knows everyone
- Doesn’t judge anyone based on looks or so
- How are people scared of him
- These people would do anything for him what
- Let’s smile and wave around a pole, it’ll only scare the living shit out of everyone
- Straight forward
- Takes everything at face value
- “If you are sincere you can communicate with people”
- He could take a few hits yes
- Many cows as well
- Lots of mentions of “back home things work this way”
- He actually goes to sleep after eating, thought he only lost his strength
- City folk really are amazing
#Bungou stray dogs#bsd#dazai osamu#bsd dazai#bsd atsushi#Nakajima atsushi#yosano akiko#kunikida doppo#fukuzawa yuu#fukuzawa yukichi#kenji miyazawa#tanizaki junichirou#naomi tanizaki#bsd anime#bsd kunikida#bsd ranpo#bsd rampo#edogawa ranpo#bsd yosano#bsd fukuzawa#writing#anime#anime character#dazai x chuuya#because i ship it#ship
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high school shit
i was actually just watching some back to school videos on youtube and oh boy am i inspired to actually write this entry! i’m going into my last year of high school this incoming school year, and this is what i got so far.
things that I noticed/realized/experienced in high school:
1. i wanted to be alone most of the time
2. i developed a liking to studying for exams/doing notes
3. once something slips out of your mouth, you already have a +1 weight on your shoulders
4. its never good to shut out your friends and expect them to understand it. you owe them an explanation
5. never get too attached. initially, i’m not a kind of person that gets attached attached, i never really resented anyone who left me or never really missed someone that much and seemed possessive.
6. things can go incredibly slow, and incredibly fast
7. slice of tasks off your to do list as many as you can. sometimes i do time my working periods whenever i get that random shot of productivity but sometimes that just doesn’t really do the job a lot, especially if i have a shit ton of works to do over the week. try to do better every time.
8. work better, not harder - whenever i’m doing an overnight homework or task and my eyes get droopy real hard that i can’t even focus on what i’m doing or why the fuck i was there anymore, i choose to go to sleep and not strain myself, and pay myself back in the morning. i come to school early as possible - if not, then i try to “cram” into finishing the homework before the subject when its needed starts. LOOK i know cramming is BAD but i kinda powered through it???? for example, if i cant understand the my fucking math homework the night before, there’s no use stressing out and trying hard to understand it. instead, i go to school and before math class starts, i approach a few classmates to teach me how to do it ((or maybe,,,,, , , give me some answers and i’ll just learn it in time)). that literally saved my life in the long run.
9. in line with my previous statement, its good to have a few close friends and a good reputation in class. i realized that acting emo isnt going to magically have someone gravitate to me and help. i had to reach out, go out there, and even if i dread a lot of people and i have only a few i can tolerate I HAD TO GO OUT THERE AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. i’ve learnt how to say no
11. even if my chair is left handed or not my fucking back is still going to hurt like a lil bitch
12. i realized how much i daydreamed about school ending and then like???? whap???? the new year comes and like whoosh??? its my finals already?????
13. value time
14. lo-fi is literally my ride or die, this bitch really was at my side EVERYTIME. but forreal, whenever i study or do stuff i usually put on some lo-fi beats and everything just gets better.
15. jack of all trades, master of none. i have a few well-known classmates whom are known to be all-rounders, and a lot of people envied them and proclaimed how they were good at everything. hearing and seeing these made me feel bad about myself, because all i was really good at knew was how to edit, design, dance, study - and i was never sporty nor good at any musical instrument which are UNFORTUNATELY the talents that a lot of people consider as “cool”.
- but, it kinda warms my heart whenever there are video presentations or design stuff that gets put on discussion, few of my classmates turn to me and depend on me about it. its like they knew, they knew they could trust me about it, because they liked how i liked how i do. and that kind of makes me giddy... the thought of giving them unceremoniously something to remember me by.
16. i dont know why didnt i put this FIRST but this is actually my favorite. usually, i tend to want to go home immediately after a long day in school, thus making my dad fetch me after class (side note, i dont know if this is a stigma or not but getting fetched after school lowkey is kinda uncool, because i dont know.......im a grown 15 yo waiting for my fetcher to come pick me up but i powered through it and come to the conclusion that i dont rlly care i just want to go home)
16.5 me and my close friends, S, L, G, A, we like to eat at this takoyaki place near my house (its actually inside a mall of some sort, its just a ten minute walk from my place to there). i usually secretly brought my phone with me to school, so even if these takoyaki dates were sudden, i had no reason to bring the offer down. i usually spend these food trips with my friend S, which with the courtesy of her kind mother, usually considers letting us eat at this takoyaki place while she lets their cute dog shanaia be groomed in the pet parlor. me and S, during these times, have talked a lot about different stuff, and i’m really thankful for her - as well as to my other close friends. although i don’t treat anyone as a best friend, they shouldn’t underestimate how much they mean to me.
- having an older sister is nice... me and my older sister actually had a conflict before. i was at an age where everything was just so emotionally scarring that it inflicted some kind of bitter wound in my heart that i just refused to mend that time. i rarely used the word hate, but at that time, i hated my family. i hated how i was treated, i hated how i was so hopeless, but i clung to any piece of comfort i longed. i guess i was just an emotional mess back then... this was all when i was in sixth grade.
things have changed a lot now. my parents have started to listen somehow. i found out that my sister was actually going through something so traumatizing that i failed to acknowledge because i let my emotions take over me.
- now... i gradually am trying to control my emotions - not the other way around. because once your emotions take over you, you get vulnerable. you get easily bitten. you let your guard down, and in this world, keeping your guard down is one risk that you should be wary of taking.
its not that i’m preventing myself to feel, to enjoy... but to regulate my emotions and place them where its best. talk when you’re allowed to, or only talk about personal stuff when i’m with my close friends. once a person sees into me... it could be game over.
i make decisions. and i have to avoid certain circumstances where i could possibly feel a lot of unwanted emotions. although a lot of things are stringed together by fate, and sometimes the scissors are nowhere to be found, and that i was supposed to do something that could blow my cover. its really better if you know yourself, you control yourself. if i couldnt avoid, modify how i behave. how i react. control what i show on the outside.
- i deserve some kind of happiness atleast... i shouldn’t be too hard on myself. i know this, but the pathetic thing is, i can’t do it. sometimes the only thing that deprives me of my own happiness is myself - which is for me, something so pathetic that i can’t even get sick of it.
- if there’s a will, there’s a way
- sometimes its good to look back once in a while... to see how far you’ve gone. if i can still see fragments of my past, then i’ll use that to strive to get further, further away from the demons that haunts me. if i can’t, then... smile, and look forward.
- you can fear things. but don’t let it show on your face. instead, fight it, anyway.
- everyone is just scared as i am.
- i don’t necessarily need to say my stand.
- i can’t judge dramatic people because that would mean i’m judging myself. but when did i have stopped judging myself?
- its good to go out for walks once in a while.
- rainy days elongated with a class suspension are always stuff to look forward for and cherish. the rain only visits me once in a while, i miss it.
- moments are traces of life
- sometimes, you never really see the value of something until they’re gone...
シルエット
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another bullshit meme
from sidebloggable
answered for logan and lucius bc i dont talk about my big dumb idiot enough
and im actually gonna answer for their original Fable timeline bc ive been feelin nostalgic recently
Their physical weak spots
Logan - depends on his age and/or stress-levels. He has a fair amount of upper body strength from swinging twin swords around all the fucking time, but it wouldn’t be ridiculously hard to overpower him if you could disarm and get hold of him - however, he’s fast, agile and extremely skilled, and it’s getting hold of him in the first place that’s the issue. In the middle of his reign, on the other hand, his body condition takes a dramatic dive - he’s pretty severely underweight and loses a lot of his muscle tone, and it really wouldn’t take much at all to best him.
Lucius - Lucius is a big, heavy mercenary who fights with a broadsword, so it’s hard to get the best of him in a one-to-one melee fight. However, he’s missing his left eye and is deaf in his left ear - subsequently if you use a little bit of stealth and come at him hard and fast from the left, you’ve got a pretty good chance of getting the jump on him. He’s also into middle-age and despite having decent reactions, a younger man of the same build as him might just pip him to the post.
Their emotional/moral weak spots
Logan - oh god lmao. Logan’s a mess, but his primary emotional weak spot is his siblings - be they his original two (hey queenie and dorian) or Morgan. I think he feels a bond that’s closer to paternal than fraternal, and I think the only way he can really justify to himself the pain he puts them through is telling himself he’s doing it for them. ok honestly, he will do fucking anything for them. at the climax of the revolution, the primary thought running through his head is how fucking proud he is. be nice if he said it out loud every once a while - hell, itd be nice if he’d just asked for some fuckin help before causing the literal death of hundreds of people - but yknow. thats just going one step too far i guess
Lucius - he’s a bleeding heart. when Morgan and his little band of rebels rock up in the Dweller village, Lucius is already there running supplies up and down the mountain to them; he watches way too many kids starve to death, and joins up with the rebels in order to lead them through Mourningwood. then he gets a crush on morgan’s little bitch face and just like. never leaves lmao. He’s easily blinded by injustice and gets worked up really quickly when he sees wrong being done - it can lead him to act recklessly or thoughtlessly at times.
Scars or painful spots
Logan - asides from the obvious scars across his lips (fencing wounds when he was a boy), he took some nasty damage from the Crawler during the three days he was trapped in the Auroran cave - he’s got a network of scars on his back that look a little like lashmarks. they hurt when they’re touched and he Does Not talk about them. he’s also got a few other scars here and there on his arms and chest from miscellaneous scraps and scuffles, and he has a deep puncture scar on his abdomen from an assassination attempt, but the less said about those the better.
Lucius - lmao Lucius is literally missing half his face to scar-tissue. he was attacked by a dog as a boy and it left him heavily messed-up. he’s also a merc, as i said, so he’s got a lot of miscellaneous old wounds but nothing quite as obvious as the ones his face.
Best places to kiss on their body
Logan - oh, the neck, bitch. he’s also kind of a slut for being kissed on the insides of his wrists; anywhere vulnerable, basically. if you could kill him there, kiss him there. freak-ass bitch.
Lucius - dude just likes a nice traditional french kiss man nothing crazy. but also definitely give him a blowjob. i know this question said kissing but lets be real thats kind of a kiss.
Guilty pleasures
Logan - he reads really terrible novels. like…really terrible. he pretends he’s reading something highbrow and intellectual but its actually a shitty romance recovered with something suitably acceptable and nobody can know
Lucius - he doesnt have any ‘guilty’ pleasures tbh, he just enjoys stuff unashamedly. he’s too thick to feel guilty
Their vices (physical or emotional)
Logan - lets be real, he’s probably done, like. an impressive amount of coke. i guess the terrible sleeping and eating habits are probably also a vice but like. it’s mainly the coke
Lucius - he smokes like a fuckin chimney
Their tickle spots
Logan - not only does he not have any, but you would also die for trying. Elrick disagrees.
Lucius - his ribs, but he is uncontrollably violent when he’s tickled so its a real good way to get a broken nose. he doesn’t mean to do it, he just spasms.
Bad memories/experiences
Logan - lmao. I’ll skip the most obvious (the 3-Day Auroran Extravaganza) because i think that goes without saying - it left him with crippling PTSD and damaged his mind heavily and insidiously. he was already pretty traumatised by his childhood and i think being forced into so many responsibilities so young also messed him up a little. it’s more like….rather one one or two specific experiences, its more just a general feeling of Bad that has stuck with him throughout his life. It was worsened by his later experiences, and essentially primed him for failure.
Lucius - yknow i was thinking about how to word the answer to this question and i realised that i accidentally made Lucius into Batman. His family farm was attacked and burnt to the ground by bandits when he was about 12; his parents and siblings were killed, and he only escaped by hiding in the coal-cellar. Later, he joined up with the mercenaries to try and track down the group that targeted them. fuck hes batman. i didnt mean to batman
Humiliating memories
Logan - oh man his father was a pro at humiliation. mistakes or oversights werent just punished, they were fuckin learned from, and he figured the best way to do this was humiliation - generally through public displays of What You Did Wrong and repeated recitations of the mistake in front of the people whose opinions Logan valued. It was kind of the catalyst for his inferiority complex and intense desire to succeed without input from others.
Lucius - again, Lucius doesn’t really experience embarrassment - he’s kind of too laid-back for it. yes, it was embarrassing the one time he fell over carrying two milk buckets and threw them all over himself in front of the handsome boy from the next farm over and the guy started laughing at him but like. you live and learn and the dude turned out to have a really ugly laugh anyway so who cares
Fears/phobias
Logan - he’s always had claustrophobia, but after the Auroran Experience this intensifies to a whole new level, and he also develops crippling nyctophobia. part of this is due to his hallucinatory psychosis - he sees things pretty much constantly, but it worsens in low lighting - but it’s also due to the fact that there may very well be actual Things in the dark and he struggles to tell reality from hallucination
Lucius - dogs. fuckin dogs. he hates dogs theyre literally so scary even the small ones bc the small ones move so quick and you never know when theyre gonna come at you
Bad or petty habits
Logan - oh, he’s just a petty bitch. he’s also outwardly arrogant, even if his internal feelings don’t match up to that. drily sarcastic, too, tho a person only really sees that when they get past the walls he throws up - Elrick is very familiar with it.
Lucius - he’s constantly standing to the right-hand side of people and then he wonders why he cant hear them properly
Grudges and vendettas
Logan - he’d hold a grudge against his father if he wasnt dead. he also holds a pretty heavy grudge against Theresa for not just fucking telling him.
Lucius - at first, only against the bandits that killed his family, but once he deals with them hes kind of at a loss as to where to go next. fortunately Logan starts starving people shortly afterwards, so if nothing else it gives him a kickstart into the rest of his life. Subsequently, Lucius will hold a vendetta against Logan for the rest of his life, even after he has been in a relationship with Morgan for years - he will never forgive him for the shit he put the common people through, and he doesnt really give a shit about the ~pressures~ Logan was under at the time. fuckin excuses, man.
Ingrained habits/forces of habit
Logan - his terrible sleeping/eating patterns. even before trauma and night-terrors made it almost impossible for him to sleep peacefully, he didn’t get more than 5 or 6 hours a night, if that.
Lucius - if something is smaller than him, he’ll protect it. he’ll also protect things bigger than him, if given half the chance. hes basically a golden retriever in human form, which is ironic considering his feelings about dogs.
What it takes to make them cry
Logan - would rather die than cry, quite literally.
Lucius - his heart is softer than butter, he’ll cry at anything. he’ll cry at an injured pigeon on the street.
Dark secrets/’skeletons in the closet’
Logan - never, ever, ever talks about what happened in Aurora. The details die with him.
Lucius - he doesn’t really have any - he’s not ashamed of much in his life, and he’s never done anything terrible enough to render it a skeleton.
People they’ve hurt or indirectly killed, and how it affected them
Logan - L M A O. yes, it affected him terribly, but tbqh however much its affected him kind of plays second fiddle to how much his actions affected other people.
Lucius - has killed a lot of people who deserved it during his mercenary years, and justifies it to himself by being absolutely certain that they did deserve it. sometimes he doubts this, though, and that doubt plays a big part in his eventually getting out of the game entirely
People who’ve influenced them greatly
Logan - Walter, tho he’ll never admit it in a million years and he still definitely kneecapped him right at the start of the game so idk what that says about him
Lucius - Morgan. it’s real gay, i know, but there it is.
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I saw @solange-lol doing this and it seemed fun so I wanted to do it too. Please do it yourselves too and tag me to it if you like, I won’t be tagging anyone. I’ve added my comments in chunks so theyre easier to delete. this is mostly me writing random garbage which isnt needed but i wanted to do
Rules: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations
AIR: i have small hands • i love the night sky • i watch small animals and birds when i pass them by • i drink herbal tea • i wake to see dawn • the smell of dust is comforting • i’m valued for being wise • i prefer books to music • i meditate • i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me
What kinda aspiration is having small hands tho? :DD I love the night sky the most when it’s warm an dark, often when im like, on a trip. its not often both dark and warm where i live :D and i Love birds. today waiting for the bus i almost forgot where i was when i watched birds fly in flocks over us. theyre moving back here for spring! :D
also like,, waking early is so over appreciated. and i see the dawn plenty bc the sun rises at like nine o’clock in winter if at all like,,, i get that its more constant to ppl who live closer to the equator and actually means something. i would wake up to see the dawn tho for the stillness of the world tho if it was with someone but only in daydreams bc why get up early when u can stay up late? that last one abt truths like lmao we get it u deep but yea i love trivia
FIRE: i don’t have straight hair • i like to wear ripped jeans • i play an organized sport • i love dogs • i am not afraid of adventure • i love to talk to strangers • i always try new foods • i enjoy road trips • summer is my favorite season • my radio is always playing
i love curly hair. i have really thick and stiff straigh af hair and i sometimes wish it had Even Waves bc id love to look more messy-cute ya know? bc now its all clean partings, no stray hairs. it looks too formal for my taste and id like for it to have some personality. i know i could just curl it with an iron or get it done but yea,,, i dont care That much
like im constantly told im crazy brave and i guess this applies to me? like i Did move at age 16 to my own in a city i have never been in with no one there who knew me and just,,, didnt even care. i tell others what ive been up to and they ooh and aah and im like?? but yea it does feel nice to be considered adventurous
also i love weird foods and am Not picky. in ninth grade home ec my kitchen needed to design a three course meal and dear fucking god was that a mess. we had one vegetarian lactose intolerant peep, one who didnt eat random shit like onions and bell pepper bc they taste bad (???) and so if a recepie had even a slightest bit of that he insisted it be left out or didnt even listen to the full recepie. and one who like,,,, would Not eat any foregin food. he wanted Potatoes and sausages. im like??? this is the final home ec test? this is supposed to showcase our skills,,, and you want boiled potatoes and plain sausage? what a mess lmao
WATER: i wear bracelets on my wrists • i love the bustle of the city • i have more than one set of piercings • i read poetry • i love the sound of a thunderstorm • i want to travel the world • i sleep past midday most days • i love dimly lit diners and fluorescent signs • i rewatch kids’ shows out of nostalgia • i see emotions in colors not words
i moved to a city abt uhhh? half a year ago and i love it here :D theres nothing better than walking in the centrum with the pidgeons and street artists and ppl having a good time chatting and shopping
i used to sleep past midday but i try to not so much bc that worsens my mood a lot bc i feel really isolated spending so much of my time alone. but it is my natural way of being so i guess thats how it be sometimes
EARTH: i wear glasses/contacts • i enjoy doing the laundry • i am a vegetarian • i have an excellent sense of time • my humor is very cheerful • i am a valued adviser to my friends • i believe in true love • i love the chill of mountain air • i’m always listening to music • i am highly trusted by the people in my life
bad eyesight ://. i do kinda enjoy doing household chores when i have something to listen to or a call to be in but that hasnt been the case lately. i am not vegetarian but sometimes i do go days without eating meat by accident which i dont mind but like,,, yea. its bc i eat like, bread, noodles, cereal, and then there might be something vegetarian at school that i eat bc it looks like the tastiest food there
idk abt my humor? its kinda spicky, insulting to some. but i dont mean it its like friendly banter. but i put it on with ppl who arent friends of confy with that sometimes and i dont mean to honestly
AETHER: i go without makeup in my daily life • i make my own artwork • i keep on track of my tasks and time • i always know true north • i see beauty in everything • i can always smell flowers • i smile at everyone i pass by • i always fear history repeating itself • i have recovered from a mental disorder • i can love unconditionally
never really liked makeup, too much work for a thing i cant really tell is even there. the flashy types of makeup i dont like so much. also im already cute af
ive been told im organized as hell by my peers and i dont get it. thats just?? how i naturally do things. it like,,, is Impossible for me to put things in their wrong places. if its hard to put where it belongs then i dedicate a “pending” spot for it in a place thats easy. and i hate notebooks and instead use a binder filled with loose leaves that i can edit as much as i like :3
thanks for reading, hmu if u wanna say something abt the things i wrote. ill read it
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I'm not ready to recover but I have to, I know that. This isn't life, not really, I feel like I'm living a double life, my little crutch has become so heavy I can't hold it anymore. It's time to let go.
It upsets me that the trigger point of my recovery isn't finding self respect or love or whatnot, its my health going to shit. Last time i had a recovery it was sparked by passing out on my bed with really slow heart rate, I felt like I was dying in that moment. Physically and emotionally, drained. I felt like this was the last chance to rescue my soul before it died along with my body which was starting to give out from the lack of food and excessive exercise anyway before this stunt happened. I used to have a motto I'd say to myself all the time, "I'd rather be dead than fat" (charming, right?) And in that moment I realised, no, I wouldn't. The sole thing keeping me on this planet is curiosity and there are so many things I'm yet to experience, I value life over having a bit of a belly. This whole recovery thing was never supposed to be forever, just until i get my health back, funny thing is i actually planned this relapse to happen at the exact time it did back when I decided to recover for the first time. That idea soured in my mind as the years went on, I never expected to get back. Then life happened. I relapsed. Hard. And now I'm here. Once again, the thing that made me choose recovery is throwing up so much blood I was convinced I'd bleed out to death and not even having the self respect to call for an ambulance. That's my breaking point. That's the point I say no more.
I really feel like I've turned a chapter in my life, a big realisation that hit me not too long ago is that I was seeking out ed content like a starved cat pounces onto food. I dont mean the typical wieiad and bodyckeck content, I was desperate for explainers online for why I do what I do and memoirs of ex anorexics and I realised, the reason why that kind of ed content is hard to come by is because its not interesting to anyone without an eating disorder. Eating disorders aren't fascinating to 99% of people. To me in my mind on some level I did what I did because I saw it as a science experiment, how far can you push yourself before you break kinda thing. I found it endlessly interesting, a hobby that was slowly ruining my life, where everyone else could see it as, well, just kinda sad.
When you accept the beggining of recovery the world turns quiet again. Its nice. The dust has settled and you don't have to punish yourself anymore. You have free time, mental energy, sleep etc but that leaves a hollow in your life that nothing else can quite fit. All that extra time you have allows you to reflect on all the degrading shit you've done, all the people you've blown up on that you regret, all the missed opportunities in sharing cookies with friends and going out for pizza and, worst of all, you get to face the permanent damage you did to yourself. It hurts so bad you want to break, but you can't. The world keeps spinning and most people don't know of your situation, you don't want them to, but that also means they treat you like it's an average Tuesday and your the average coworker/classmate/student when really, you're not. You're imploding. You're self loathing, you're hurting so bad you didn't know you could feel an emotion so deep but you pull yourself together and say "due on Thursday? That's fine". When someone looses a parent or sibling we treat them with care and support. When you loose your identity and all your coping mechanisms in one swoop you stfu and get back to work. It's hard, in fact I'd say it's the hardest thing I've ever done.
I don't think I can ever like myself again. Not after what I've put myself through, I don't think it's possible, but I'm going to try to respect myself and my body. If that brings me down a path of love and acceptance that's great but if it doesn't I at least know I've tried and that's the best I can do.
I don't know where I found this quote but it really resonated with me, "the most feminist thing I've ever done is pull my head out of the toilet." I think it's fitting.
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June Small Wins
1 - ecmocard meeting with ppl from aussie to learn to sort out data. Felt better after the meeting cause i didnt feel like doing anything before. Got two season deli box cake from dapur cokelat for nessa. Videocalled w her and ren.
2 - dr eva chatted and gave things to do. I also need to make intern log for dr retha. I just cant bring myself to start. Finally mustered the courage. Im not the type of person for wfh. At least in this house. Finished reading love or hate. I rly felt like shit at night.
3 - started reading positively yours. Had no will to do anything
4 - some more sending spss work for dr eva. weekdays with no “outside work” rly render me useless in functioning. a vegetable
5 - iluni webinar. Lost my attention during electrolyte and fluid stuff. tried to cook ribeye steak lmao (meat from @/fridaymeatshop). Its too chewy and leathery. But its not too welldone. And at least it tastes good. Went to depok by krl. its quite quick since krl arrived just after im at poris and duri. went ahead of silvi devi. satpam on the lobby wont open the access hhhh (i dont have one. i dunno why. mom said she cant find it although we supposedly have 2). but my mood improved once im upstairs. we prepped a bit of deco. conversed in the dark so not to make racheel suspicious. surprisee. had truffle belly chicken cheese for dinner. the cheese was not to cheesy, its more of a gentle taste. mushroom tastes better. we watched sweet and sour from my mobile data. surprisingly, its not that much of data. slept at like 12-1ish
6 - the electric token went out in the morning. we went for a walk in ui. the PLK man across of st ui forbade us from going in. ugh. but it was rly empty. so we went from barel. its empty on the library. there was a dog that walked along with us. talked a bit in front of the lake. went back. i got 2 moon chicken (the basic flavor and not the wings) and spicy jumeokbap. the jumeokbap was nothing like what i had in korea. like the seaweed’s taste doesnt come out that much, and its not that flavorful/savory. the one in korea its good even by itself. went back to jkt nebeng reza silvi with devi. originally planned to go to flavola, but my head kinda hurts, so i finished my moon chicken at the mushola and asked juan to pick me up. still feel healthy and normal after going and staying out, so i started reading a book abt handwriting analysis lmaoo. fell asleep. tried several attempts to figure out my bpjs number and turns out the best there is to respond is BPJS’ twitter. the problem was solved under 5 mins.
7 - woke up, fell asleep again. Adita told me that i might be interviewed today for the ipd intern but theres no info. Did the registration stuff for my bpjs. Registered for npwp. Watched bts x na pd
8 - off to RSF. its audit day today. hiks to phonecall follow up work. i did not do anything inaco related, i just sat there and did dr dafsah’s excel. dr vera bought me pecel ayam hehe yay. went to como park to meet up with indah regen. tried ricotta pizza from pizza place (33k). the cheese is cheese but not that typical cheesy (?) coupled with mushroom. i had to add sauce to withstand the last bites (still kinda full). tried other’s as well, pesto and mushroom. pesto had the most taste. while waiting for doggo to arrive, we bought gelato (S: 35k). apparently their special flavor was ricotta lmao. tried green tea (bitter, which i like) and peanut butter + caramel, which makes you feel thirsty. watched the doggos from the sidelines. after maghrib we went to 1/15. ordered ice mocha (50k). the chocolate taste stood out more. not gonna order again lol. the staff initially recommended pandan flavor. took grab to gbk station to go home.
9 - rsf. second audit day. i hate it here lmao. im not even paid for my time here. excused myself to eat. turns out mbak Ai bought hokben. i almost forgot thanking her since i felt hungry with a bit of headache. talked a bit with dr retha regarding changes of assistant (since internship is soon). went back and immediately laid down in bed. mom bought pizza so thats what i ate for dinner. fell asleep (i can feel it. my face will get consequences)
10 - cant bring myself to do anything. i reread painter of the night lmao. seungho is a prick. inhun is also a prick (a greedy one). ate arirang bone marrow. put the egg-seasoning mixture to the pan since im not confident enough to just pour boiling water into the bowl. felt surprisingly full. went to sbux. green tea latte as usual. but turns out tumblr 50% promo only applies to sbux member. so i had to pay 40k for my green tea latte. at least i got to feel good from outside vibes. did some follow up for INACO patients.
11 - went to rm rsf. Took lots of photos of RM. I was given rujak by the rm staff lmaoo so cute. Didnt do any entry afterwards lmao i just laid down
12 - breakfast is paldo jjajangmen and egg. It tasted like soy. Its good but not in a micin way. Its quite fulfilling. Had some of the beef slices by putting it in a buttered pan (is it pan fried? Grilled? Idk). Had banana and brownies together (makes it rly good). Did a bit of clires work. I drank sbux's caramel macchiato but yall my stomach cant handle it lmao. It hurts so much that i even got a headache. So i just laid down in bed
13 - had arirang again loll. Inserted the egg to the pan still, but quicker this time. Its too salty today. Maybe its not enough water. I was eating it while googling how to remove excess sodium. Ate the rest of beef slices (shared with bros ofc) and mixed some with moms fried rice. Ate banana brownies again. Felt soooo full. Did some clires work accompanied by sbux matcha
14 - i felt like shit this morning. Watched leahs vid. Listened to her podcast while having bfast. I walked from moms car to bougenville while still feeling like shit. It slowly gets better afterwards, thankfully. Did some clires and follow up. Went to gandy steak in dr retha's car (which had anesthesiology textbook inside). Tried aus sirloin steak. The bread tasted ok. The garlic bread also ok. The mashed potato was so so (the one in depok was more creamy and smooth). The steak was good, especially the fat part, the sauce so so. Honestly that depok steak had more value for money compared to this, i think. Nebeng dr rara and husband to busway station. Arrived in ar and i immediately showered, such wow 👏👏
15 - today is no rsf day aka self made wfh day. Moms getting vaccinated today. I just lazed. And read kanej fics
16 - off to rsf. Took care of rm stuff. Tried social affair's croffle since i was so curious (60k [10k tip]). The nutella and cinnamon sugar one. Its crunchy and a bit crumbly inside, but not as fragile as croissant. Its quite fulfilling too. But its basically flour batter variations. (thats what mom would say). randomly chatted racheel and we ended up taking a walk and a bit of jog citra 6 (with my sneakon regular shoes). My left tendon was screaming lol. Picked up by juan who surprisingly effortlessly found the address at night.
17 - mbak aan chatted me today to go to rscm. Met prof murdani at pesc and he gave me ppt assigment for 13:30 THAT DAY. Finished it unsatisfyingly (i wish i couldve done more). Lunch was free bebek bkb yay thankyou Prof c: (he even asked what did i ate) took care of legalisir stuff. Went home by tj. Drank matcha w vsoy and i somehow was not sleepy after maghrib. I also changed my desj layout. Maybe it kinda works to separate my spaces
18 - arrived at rscm at 8-ish. sent updated thibbun nabawi ppt. literature search. and then somehow its 14:30. went to SCI w ara wani rasyid. tried bandeng nyonya, oyster, salmon, cumi lada garam (its crazy good among all the good tasting food wtff), shrimp and pocai telor (veggie stuff). dessert was thailand cassava. spent about 190k. went back by TJ. had wudu at pulomas and prayed ashar on the bus lol. i passed out after playing w my phone lmaoo
19 - spent almost the whole day just sleeping and eating. finally showered in the afternoon. had matcha vsoy latte after maghrib and with enough day sleeping, i did presentation outline. at like 1/2 am i initially planned to sleep but my eyes still have plenty of watts. so i read hold me tight. slept at like 4/5 am
20 - woke up at 9. off to om dokter’s house to ask for healthy letter. we talked almost the entire time im there lol. before u know it mom and dad’s done talking with grandma. om dokter shared some of his experiences in the past. and he said something about making your choice and living with it, and it will all have a meaning even if you might initially agonize about it. girl i was holding back tears. here he was talking about choices, something i never rly talk about at my house. im getting teary just typing this. he talked about it in a way that sounds simple, even though i agonized abt internship choices and sometimes avoid thinking about it. it rly rly was a new experience. i dont rly talk about “choices” with my parents. so hearing how to go through options in life from a person i can relate to regarding this med stuff is. i feel like i would have loved it if i can hear his wisdom earlier. i dont talk with him much if my parents are around bcs they will just meddle and say stuff that wreck my peace. they dont rly know what im going through but can be very opinionated. this peaceful one on one talk rly made me feel relieved and reassured. and i was today years old when i found out he initially wanted to be a psychiatrist. he would have been a great psychiatrist. i feel like we have some understanding thats left unsaid. like he knows how my parents are like. he would probably understand why i dont talk with him much at AR. after what feels super quick, we went back to AR. registered for STR. searched some literature for the topics that Prof is the moderator of. powered by matcha energy
21 - rscm as usual. the Prof did not come. lunch was bread i brought from home. waited for mom to pick me up at kfc so i bought pukis kfc. its like properly made pukis and not the street seller made ones. the chocolate one was good since the toppings generous. felt a bit feverish? like my body felt warm. fell asleep and then suddenly its 6 am in the morning.
22 - Prof still did not came. had amart’s ayam penyet jamur for lunch. turns out juan bought ayam geprek gendut for dinner. night time is diarrhea time lmaooooo. did not feel sleepy at AR but i skipped shower again lmao,,,,,,,, and then suddenly its morning again
23 - jajan from sisterfield today. tried their carrot cake and kopi susu gula aren. the carrot cake has that carrot texture. its different. the icing was fresh cream cheese that made the cake taste good. the coffee made my stomach ache a bit. it has that subtle chocolatey taste. fell asleep again. third time’s the charm (of 1x/day face wash). woke up at 3 am planning to sleep but i ended up washing my face. turns out atikah was still awake due to AZ fever.
24 - this is the bestest sleep i had in this week (?) had a dream about going to bandung and the car falling to water. forgot my headset today. can finally meet prof Mur. talked abt inaco stuff w agassi. reread komugi meruem lmaoo. felll asleep. somehow had the misfortune of hearing dad’s hurtful words to mom. i want to fall asleep again but its difficuly. i went through stages of pent up anger, some sort of selfishness (i will go out from jakarta for internship), amazement to mom, and... (continue 2moro)
25 - lunch was dori rice from kanprim thanks to rasyid’s jastip. watched bts’ butter norebang lolll :(((. arrived at AR the fastest ive been. mom came to me right before maghrib and summed some stuff dad said yesterday. she handled it in a trivial way. like she was unaffected. and that somehow helped me too. stuck around in the dining room for a while after maghrib. talked about internship w mom. i left some chance for dad to yap yap abt whatever related to internship (thankfully songs were full volume through my wireless headset) while im inhaling through my matcha latte. i wont write what he said bcs its lowkey super embarrassing. thank the gods for wireless speakers.
26 - did not do anything productive today. Had arirang salted egg for bfast (wont repurchase). Had the meat cubes i bought online and its rly good. Ran with racil at citra 6. The tendon in my left feet hurt lol. Gmeet with ara et al to discuss internship review
27 - lazed. Wanted to start my day early but couldnt bring myself to. Binge watched twoset videos. Did clires stuff. 1 more RM to wait from IRMIK. No gastro intern work this weekend aaaa im starting to panic.
28 - juan came along otw to rscm. Talked about iship otw. brought tons of stuff to eat, including matcha latte, but i was unable to finish it lol. Discussed research budgeting w Prof. Didnt do anything in home. Starting to panic with my ppt progress.
29 - discussed budgeting revision. Prof thought abt little details i didnt even consider. Didnt do anything while at ar anjengggg
30 - prof did not come to dept today. Listemed to agassi rambling abt intern stuff. Immediately opened my laptop in ar. Watched two set. Played marapets lmaooo i finally managed to gather 3 au for shop pricer. But still didnot wash my face 👁️👄🤦♀️ maybe bcs i hate doing what people tells me to do (re: shower due to covid scare). Had a nightmare abt being in a car ride alone w dad and it was rly rly awkward
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20.01.19
Smoking in the morning is deadass the death of me. I want to quit so bad for motivation,health and money and also bc i don't want to be addicted to anythibt bc it sucks and i want my creativity back (as if i ever had some ) but overall im just utterly unhappy and lowkey anxious all the time. I also want to stop eating and take pills to sleep all day for it to be painless but i have to ttzke care of my son and my daughter its really hard to be in the middle of smth rlly healthy abd hezling and having all the demons glazing on the other side. I mean i have erything i wabt and need (nice house,two d
of my fav dog breeds,designer shoes i always wanted,all the music instruments i ever wanted, a fire ass computer and i worked my ass off for all that. I swear ill get to work when all my paint stash will be dried n expired. I quit hard drugs a year ago n stopped taking pills to have fun or numb out the pain since months idk how many exactly cuz im actually kind of scared of suffering while i die n shit or havr my brain permabebtly damaged. I have so many projects i cant get my mind to do,i dobt have aby motivation although i actuallu trust in my projects. Except from smokibg thered nothing i can turn into a routine, not even starving or feeding n walking my two children. I lost 1kg and put them back on in a two week spawn i dont have anu motivztion to workout, i canna cut my legs off. Its bot uch but its a lot to me sincr i was 3kg away from my goal wright so thats 1/3rd of the rozd. I relapsed w self harm like a month ago,it was pretty bad but i known worse. Idk what to di w my life and my bf but im focusing on ly life and if he leaves my ass its ok he wasbt the one and its one problem less, ion have any strenght to fight for him i can only passively stay bc i just dont feel like i have anh value to him. But he told me he thought i was pretty this morning and i will journal evrry sweet momebts and compliments to feel safe again. Ion wannz seek for jis validatiob that much but its painful to be w someone n thinking they dont value u or even think youre pretty. Even tho know i hav a bad relationship w my appearence and looks in general. The first toll on my self esteem and when things started to go downhill wzs a yezr ago. We had grrat moments since of course but nothong substancial compared to our first months i think ? I least secually because i was never happy, not even once, xith my body since a yezr. It weighs hevzy. I want to go back to ballet classes so bad aswl. I hate this pandemic for the first time and its not making me bend towards resistznce, i comply and isolate and im just looking around thibkine damn son. V first world problem ik. I have no onr to talk to in the sense of i dont really wanna complain bc thats all ill do. The brain fog thibgy is pretty bad eveb tho ik i recovered parts of my ability to read b focus znd stuff but smoking is bringing me down again i soent so much time fighting the fatigue when i couldve solve things. But anxiety is a bitch so i guess i have to deal with it as well. im grateful that i have a new shrink n a good one even tho it costs money. I have an appoibyment this evening to talk ab surgery to my psychiatrist and well see what she thinks of it bc i wont be able to change her after i comed cleab but well see, if its a hard no im paying for that mf straight up and ill see later for my tooth ? Idk. cant borrow money to this friend no more because im not in good terms w him bc of my bf n im afraid to work bc im afraid thzt he hurts me bc hes bummed about it. Im afraid of vengence where i wish he would aprove,empower me to do it, come w me to protect me and pick me up when im done. Ik its a lot to ask and thts why im even more grateful for my best friends support.
My bfs mom is coming over n i cannot stznd her toxic ass so im staying in bed pretending to sleep. Ik itd disrespectful but i dont rrally care at that point. I feel dead and empty.
I have an unpaid comission work to fo n i have 0 willpower and focus even tho the elements of composition n the composition itself for the drawing are laid down already. First shitty draft was 90% i approved i just dont have aby energy to focus and make it good. Ill to it anyway bc rhe deadlines in a few days.
I hate the phone and how long i spend staring at it
My nails are soft i cant scratch i hate it aswl
Went to sleep woke up m gna sleep again til my appt w the shrink
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