despite my previous post, I don’t know how to handle when people talk abt things I don’t know or understand bc I focus too hard on my own reactions so I don’t accidentally offend them bc there’s only so many times you can say “oh really?” before you sound sarcastic ‼️💥

Hello! I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed glitching. It’s a bit embarrassing to say, but I barely interacted with it in any way that you could see because the format made me feel guilty about reading whump in a way that I hadn’t felt in a long time. That’s a compliment to your writing! Glitching was about being an accomplice and moral choices and I got caught up in it that I stopped participating in the polls after a few posts. I really liked it though.

Since you couldn’t see the likes that I very much wanted to give the series, I’m sending my thanks directly. You are really good at writing, and your specific style is one of my favorites on this site. Your writing is just brutal in a way that a lot of whump writing isn’t, and your characters are extremely compelling/whumpable. I can’t describe exactly what I love about it, but I do love it. You also made glitching really quickly, which is impressive. I’m still in awe of how you made all the different endings for the finale. That must have taken forever.

Was Glitching always going to end the way it did? If the audience had voted to kill Seth at the earliest opportunity, would that have happened? Are there any other pathways that you had planned out that we didn’t get to see? Basically, I loved Glitching and I want to hear all the behind the scenes details that you are willing to share.

Thanks again!

aaaaaaaaaa thank u SO much for this. long ass response under the cut !

this is honestly.... mostly all i wanted to achieve w glitching. (my first objective was to create a whump cyoa story where the options were all bad, bc in all the other ones ppl kept picking the good ones and i was like :| but my whump..? no whump..?) several times i felt like maybe the second person pov is too much and its too real and itll turn everyone off... but then i thought. thats. kind of what i want. i want it to feel a little gross even if its fiction. i wanted to make ppl feel conflicted.

so please dont feel bad about not interacting! i understand how it could feel rly bad and guilt-inducing. im glad u made the decision to stop interacting when u did, its NOT embarrassing in the slightest. this message means a whole lot either way.

hehehehehe im GLAD theyre brutal! thats very much the style i wanna be known for lol and the style i enjoy! i want stuff to be gruesome and disgusting! i want it to be brutal and unforgiving! i want violence! i want gore! and also thank u, im glad my characters r whumpable. especially w glitching, i saw that when other ppl put their cute ocs in situations no one wanted to hurt them, so i was like ok whos my most vile most hated most disgusting oc whom everyone would Love to see be punched in the face- in general i love making my ocs whumpable and pitiful. i love a pitiful little guy

i stopped writing glitching when my exams started at college, and iced it after maybe chapter 8 or 9. then i picked it back up again after i got a 20th message in my inbox abt how ppl miss it, and it successfully forced my hand to finally sit down and just Write. (i do have to be forced to write a lot of the times. it doesnt work for everyone, but it does for me. obviously i can never get in the zone if i dont even open the document yknow. thats why i write a lot of shitty drabbles! it keeps up momentum!) and then i just kept writing. and writing. and writing. trying to get a chapter out every day because i knew what i wanted to do and i wanted to finish it. when it comes to the finale, iiiii decided i wanted to do that whole thing literally 2 days beforehand. my friend told me "wow these options r all good" and i said "i know i kinda wanna see all of them too". and the idea was born. the seed was planted. the bug was in my fucken ear.

so the next morning i checked the poll on chapter 13, and saw that of course the option to keep seth alive was winning by far. so i wrote that in advance. then i started writing out the endings for the finale. i managed to get maybe 3 of them done. then the next day i finished the other 6, tweaked the earlier ones, all that. i uploaded them all, posted everything privately, fiddled forever w the links (which i knew were likely gonna break anyway-) and THEN WHEN THE TIME CAME I WANTED TO MAKE ONE LAST EDIT AND ACCIDENTALLY POSTED IT. so i had to unprivate everything in a fucking frenzy like OH MY GOD PPL WONT UNDERSTAND I RUINED IT I RUINED EVERYTHING. but anyway yes it took me like 2 days of writing and editing but the response was soooooo worth it. ppl were so so so kind to me. it was honestly amazing.

one thing abt me, i started planning my stories At All in the last few months. before that, Nothing. and especially w smth like glitching, where the audience's decision influences the next chapter and i cant plan ahead, i didnt even bother. whatever the audience chose was always gonna happen. if they chose to exit the stream on the very first poll, i wouldve ended it. im serious. i thought abt pulling "you try to exit but it doesnt work" but then i was like. no. ppl can have one (1) chance to turn their heads away if they want, as a treat. i wouldve written a chapter about the debilitating guilt and lifelong "what if" feeling, and that wouldve been it. as for the earlier murder options, yes! i wouldve gone thru w it at any time. starting from maybe the 6th chapter (or whenever i brought in the murder option) the audience held the power to end the stream and seth's suffering. they chose not to. but they couldve.

one option that i wanted that never got chosen was the baseball bat. im obsessed w beating someone to the point of broken bones w a baseball bat. so when the ending was getting nearer and nearer, i thought about simply disregarding the last poll and writing a single chapter where the host goes "i respected the choices u made up until now, but this time, im making the decision". but i was like. no fuck that. this is an interactive story all about being able to choose ur own decisions. i just asked the audience to supply me w puppy seth commands, citing how it was interactive. i couldnt just go and ignore that two chapters later, yknow? plus as u said it kind of all hinged on the feeling of "i did this. im responsible". so if i took that responsibility away in the last second IN THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION OF ALL it wouldnt have been good enough

most of the time i just kept giving the options i really wanted to write, and eventually, ppl picked them. it was a good story in the sense that the order didnt matter too much. i could give the same options, and the host was still able to carry them all out.

some more behind the scenes- i thought about revealing the host's identity multiple times. i thought about making them someone the audience already knew (like ren, my friend's oc who greatly inspired the character from the very first chapter), or someone who couldve been vaguely familiar but unknown (a former friend of pumpkin?), but in the end i just settled on the mystery. especially since i decided to give it a paranormal twist. i couldve NEVER made a better reveal than the mystery itself. never ever. some things dont have to be revealed.

but yeah! thats that. i rly enjoyed glitching, i loved the response i got (it was by far the most popular story ive ever posted on here w the most tags and comments and asks), and i loved how i managed to do the finale. it was concise, i can say i finished another story, and its just all around a great time. thank u so much for ur message !!!

So I'm gonna be blunt- this is gonna be me ranting about TERF shit in your inbox bc I just wanna get these thoughts out somewhere, nd if you wanna add on at all, feel free. Just know that if this makes u uncomfy/you wanna delete it, no hard feelings.

You know I stumbled across one of your terf posts and I just wanna- fucking rant-

Bc istfg they hate women no matter what they do. Not just trans women, but women in general. Nothing women do are like-

uGGGghhgh Okay for example; body hair. Either-

A) the woman doesn't look feminine enough/has too much/is accused of invading women's spaces (<- this one mostly applies to facial hair but yknow)

Or B) if they DONT have body hair, like- the shave, wax, etc etc, I recently saw a take that was like- "for every woman who SHAVES or WAXES, you yourself are FORCIBLY PUSHING PATRIARCHAL IDEALS ON EVERY YOUNG GIRL WHO SEES YOU AND ARE VALIDATING THE MAN'S OF WOMANHOOD. NO WOMAN SHOULD EVER SHAVE BECAUSE IT APPEALS TO MEN"

For fucks sake. I'm not even kidding that was essentially the take when you took away the flowery language

Like. Men can shave for themself, sure!! That's totally fine. But when the Women™ they claim to love and support so much do it??

BAM PATRIARCHY.

It's like. I get it. Women need to be Aware of Things In Their Minds™ bc the dangers of the world, of the patriarchy, and of misogyny are very very real- with this going double, throuple, quadruple for women of minority groups (stacking on n on). And I don't think that it's fair for us to be pushing shit on young kids/teaching them untrue/dangerous/innapropriate things.

BUT someone existing in a a public space near someone else doesnt fucking do that - most people arent fucking STARING at people's legs, nonetheless kids!! They've fallen into similar rhetoric that gets gay people killed for kissing in public, rhetoric used against people partaking in something of a different culture in public, possibly even similar rhetoric that was an excuse for racial segregation.

Yes women have a responsibility to make sure other women love themselves and their bodies. Yes it is important we show a variety of body types to make sure people don't feel alone. NO WE DONT DO THAT BY BULLYING WOMEN WHO ADHERE TO THE TYPICAL BEAUTY STANDARD/LIKE TO PARTAKE IN "STREOTYPICALLY FEMININE" BEHAVIOR

Like. You do know blaming the Women™ you love so much for indulging in "harmful stereotypes" the patriarchy and society pushes is just mean right. Because due to human variation, some women - physically or emotionally - are gonna fall into the stereotypes (physically in regards to body shape, hair/eye color, etc etc). Stop blaming women for falling into stereotypes and start blaming society for pushing said stereotypes oh my god

Sorry this was so long. Just. Fucking. Bullshit, all of it.

This is not a terf friendly space, feel free to complain at me all the time every time!

They are so annoying.

They pretend they're feminists but they just want the excuse to be female bullies, lol.

Calling your hair ugly or saying you have man hands.

🖤🧺🍑💧for any amount of ocs you want :3c

Gonna do Amore nd Cae (obviously lol), and uhh, I haven't posted much abt my botw oc Vega so, they join tha party 2

A Moron, Dimicae, and (insert ship name for Vega/Link here) under cut

Amore-

🖤— Random romantic headcanon:

He can't do on the spot type knowledge like if you ask him "oh name your s/o's favorite fruit", he's gonna be like those memes

but he does know! He's more likely to like, see it on sale at the store and be like "oh hey that's smth Leon likes i'll get it 4 him (:"

🧺— Random domestic headcanon:

Usually he only fostered one animal at a time while he was in an apartment so once this fool gets in a house watch out bc he will start fostering entire litters and (legal) exotic pets. (In his defense he, grew up outnumbered by pets in his childhood home and it gets lonely when ur husbanf is away doing Top Agent things)

🍑— Random intimate headcanon:

Just v touchy, sometimes it goes further than that sometimes he just wants to Touch, yknow? Pulls Leon in2 his lap, inescapable octo hugs at bedtime, knocking legs together or arm around the shoulders stuff. Obvi he'll give space and back off when needed but 9 times out of 10 he is in some sort of contact w Leon lol.

also body worshippy, kissy/touchy everywhere LOL

💧— Random angst headcanon:

He had to drop out of college bc his previous partner passed, so like the the one thing he really can't take is anyone suggesting/joking he had to drop out bc it was "too hard for him" or smth along those lines, so if that happens he WILL make the person feel horrible by dropping the bomb of "actually i had to drop out bc my bf died (: if you wanna make fun of me for that too (:"

Caedric-

🖤— Random romantic headcanon:

Much like a cat his affection ranges from "I'm content to exist in the same room as you" to "I'm falling asleep in your lap and there's nothing you can do to stop it <3"

🧺— Random domestic headcanon:

Despite being ~nobility~ he really doesn't mind helping out with/doing his own dirty work and sometimes kind of prefers it lol ("no it's ok i'll wash my own clothes!" "oh I can help with dinner i dont mind!")

🍑— Random intimate headcanon:

As much as he hates having them, he does rly enjoy Dimi tracing over his tattoos :,)

Also v fond of bathtimes w Dimitri or helping Dimi just like wash his hair/back/whatever (mostly bc it's the only time he can make sure the fucker is actually taking care of himself lmao), or having Dimi help him. Outside of Mercie and Annie, Dimi is the only one who can touch his hair.

Dimitri is. also the only person who can get away w pulling his hair lol oops.

💧— Random angst headcanon:

Because of his heightened senses he gets sensory overload super easy, as well as migraines, if u can't find him during a social event check a supply closet bc he's probably in there crying and trying not to claw his itchy shirt to shreds.

Vega-

🖤— Random romantic headcanon:

Very spontaneous "Dates" (I use that term losely because most likely they consist of "Hey let's see who can climb to the top of that mountain before it starts raining," or "First one to ride the Lynel for 5 seconds wins."

🧺— Random domestic headcanon:

Very Aggresively Helpful as a stress response whenever Link is doing a task they can't go along for (like the trials or smth) and they're stuck in town/at a stable. "This lady asked for lightning bugs so i caught her E I G H T Y (: How did the trial go? (:"

🍑— Random intimate headcanon:

While he doesn't like, enjoy patching up wounds bc yknow, Linky Hurty he appreciates the moment of respite it gives them together (and yknow the inherent homoeroticism that giving first aid tends to have lol)

Depending on how long it takes/how dangerous the task is, adrenaline and nervous energy starts building so once they're both back to safety Link is getting the Jake G. in that one Brokeback mountain gif treatment and then some

💧— Random angst headcanon:

Unfortunately uh, Vega has been kind of on the OC backburner so I don't have much for them angst wise yet fml.

if u saw this then unsaw it its bc i forgot the fucking readmore

man im too tired to keep the fc going these days.

lot of dif messes over the years ranging from normal conflicts to [people sign up for events then just dont. turn up en masse]

demoralizing

i wasnt ever really cut out to fc lead but i didn my best since twiz n calak trusted me to take over when they left -v-; this isnt an im giving up just an Im Tired. i will wait till therapys squared away before i decide to keep it up or throw in. cause last time i walked around like a dead man after we talked about disbandment i am not good at letting go of things that mattered to me.

im just like. socially tired? i don't have it in me to be everybodys bestie like u gotta as fc lead to k eep ppl feeling involved. i dont like recruiting, trying to form a bunch of bonds and 3/4 of them stop logging in or communicating and the other 1/4 never gets the chance to really integrate bc the rest of us are so scattered and busy with life or are actively avoidant of new ppl

im nervous around new ppl too and i hate the pressure of responsibility that leading has. and ive always been a bit reclusive and slow to open up so the TYPE of interaction required for me to do this successfully is just. not natural fo rlong periods of time for me. i thrive on a small number of consistent and close-knit people who stick around, which we have had off and on but like. life, timezones, personality clashes. yknow. we have a nice network of friends /around/ the fc but not in or together often enough. i am spread so thin. and i'm burnt out on gameplay all i really wanna do is rp when i have the brain for it and some good food to go on

and when ppl who have been there a Long time leave for one reason or another im like why are we still doing this. if i let go everyone could move on to something more suitable. i'm the one who can't let go. i'm the one who let everyone down.

but still. i'll make sure we have hob3 for the new patch and wait till i have support to make any major decisions, whether thats picking back up again or moving on. i just needed to. offload. i am so tired. blugh

Pls by all means tell us more about the hs au!! Do the boys get into any trouble? Any relationships?

HELL YEAH a chance for me to talk abt this au thank you for asking abt it :D it mainly revolves around the main four + occasionally Alluka actually!! 

they’re all neighbors living in this cul-de-sac and u already know they’re gonna be visiting each other almost every day !! imma be talking abt my favs but if anyone wants to know abt the main four then dont be afraid to ask :) 

ill put everything under the cut lol bc its kinda long lol

- phinks, fei, nd Shal always get into some trouble. they’re literally the most unlikeliest of friends, but they all fuel each others energy in the worst way possible LOL. phinks (sometimes fei) is usually the one that comes up with the idea, feitan always agrees with it, and then shalnark is the one that usually thinks of the consequences but at the same time goes along with it

- even though shal loves hanging around them, phinks and feitan are pretty close with each other. they both rlly enjoy each other’s company and they almost ALWAYS start trouble when they’re together. they’re always out a lot bc they never like staying at home, so Phinks + fei are always out doing something to pass the time

- now more abt shal: I love the idea of everyone perceiving him as this pretty boy who gets good grades and gets a long with everyone, but deep deep down this mf is a little trouble maker LMAOO. i like the idea of him just spreading rumors around just for his entertainment to see how shit goes down 💀and since LOTS of ppl trust him, shal knows a LOT of secrets from ppl (imagine him just owning a burn book lmfaoao).

- of course the only few ppl who see right through this are DEFINITELY ppl like machi and feitan (and some other troupe members + maybe even Leorio and kurapika)

- for relationships: hmm I dont rlly emphasize any relationships in this au except for like killugon and such,, but hisoka and illumi and chrollo all have this thing going on that idk how to describe 💀💀hisoka is always flirting with them, and illumi is always “😐” with it, but still kind of enjoys Hisoka's company(mainly bc he doesn’t hang out w/ anyone else). chrollo is pretty whatever abt Hisoka’s flirting, but sometimes he likes to just play into it in his own way lol

- ALSO PAKUMACHI !! a bunch of flirting between the two of them. machi has this soft spot for her, and she rlly likes Paku’s presence bc there’s something so calm she finds abt it. Paku usually likes to tease her with a bunch of (lowkey) flirtatious jokes which makes machi very bashful aghhhh so cute

- MORE ABT THE TROUBLE TRIO + sports !! Shalnark plays basketball and im conflicted with phinks either playing the same OR baseball. feitan doesn’t do any sports. he definitely has the potential to be great at something but he honestly likes spending after school by himself doing something quiet orrr out w his friends

- almost of all of the troupe members like to skip school 💀 the most responsible would def be Franklin and chrollo. Franklin always reminds these mfs (specifically uvo, Nobu, and sometimes shizuku bc she’s forgetful), to do their damn hw

- also ofc kurapika literally hates all of them

I have so so many hc’s but I dont wanna make this too long yknow ? if u wanna know more abt some other characters ill be more than happy to answer :D

hi! sorry to bother you, but i have a genuine question: do you have any advice for someone that wants to start publishing their writing on tumblr?

i read your rules and you said that you’re not going to give feedbacks on anyone’s writing (which i’m defo not asking bc it’s in your rules), but i still wanted to know if you have any advice or anything at all. idk i’m so nervous to ask you because i’m afraid that it might go against your rules (does this makes sense?) so yeah, don’t answer if i crossed a line or anything.

have a great day! bye!!

hiiii lovely !!! you aren't bothering me at all, don't worry :D

so, i def do have things that i think have worked for me, but this is a bit of an open-ended question that like . i don't know what direction you want me to go in!! so if you wanna send me another message with like . specific concerns you have, i'd love to help 💖

that said, i do have an advice tag!!!! as it is right now the tag has both like writing advice and life advice, but i don't think there are too many posts to have to look through bc i dont think i use the tag super often !! even though i'm actually abt to link the responses from that tag i think are most relevant and helpful jsdghdfhj so if you read these responses and you have more specific questions, you can def send me those !! (everything is under the cut because i . went off dfjhgsjfd sorry)

just starting to write: link link

getting people to read your stories: link (this one is a lil more elaborate, i think)

finding inspiration / motivation: link

writing about members you're not fully into:* link

*(honestly? i do not advise doing this. especially if you're just starting out bc if you start writing for, let's say, jaehyun, because you want followers / notes and he's a pretty popular member but your heart really lies with a "less popular" member, i hate to break it to you but, like... it tends to show. and i personally would rather want to come out the gate swinging yknow? come out with something you've worked super hard on and you're genuinely proud of!!

like if i find a new writer's blog and their first fic up is a jaehyun fic and, to be blunt, it sucks because i can tell their heart wasn't really in it? they are not getting any engagement from me whatsoever!! i'm not following, liking, reblogging, anything. honestly, if it's that bad to me, there's a chance i'm gonna block them 😭 but let's say maybe i go to your blog and you've written a fic about maybe yangyang, who's your bias, and i'm curious and i read it and i can tell you have a genuine love for the story and member and craft in general, you're infinitely more likely to get my engagement!!

like actually tbh? i remember one time i was scrolling through my dash and i saw a like . yangyang fic and i mean like. the banner was pretty, the sections before the "read more" were cohesive and neat and clean, and the summary looked interesting !! so i read it, even though i typically don't read for yangyang ever !! and that ended up being . one of the most enjoyable fics i'd read in a very long time. ((if you're curious, i'm 99% sure i reblogged it to here under the fic recs tag; it is an entirely SFW fic written by someone underage (yes, i checked with her to see if she was okay w me rbing it here once i found out she was a minor) so behave appropriately !!!)) so yeah... tldr: put your heart into your work and the right people will come !!)

writing smut: link (this one also has a linked resource on how to write smut!!) (note: i personally do not use the linked resource because i don't think i need the assistance...but i have read it before and i do think it's all pretty sound advice!)

writing inclusively in fiction:* link

*(this post is not mine, but it's a great start for being aware of how your word choice can be more inclusive and less alienating for people of color!! there are many things to be aware of when writing inclusive reader-insert stories besides just race, though, such as body type factors like height, weight, build, etc., hair types, gender identity (i actually saw someone talk about this in the tags a while ago and it made me more cognizant of things like this but, like, if you're writing for a afab reader with she/her pronouns, then specify that before the fic starts!! (for example: instead of writing "jeno x reader" for the pairing, you can say "jeno x fem!reader") otherwise amab readers or people whose pronouns aren't she/her will waste their time at best and, unfortunately, might experience gender dysphoria at worst, y'know? and because we are considerate people, we do not want that.)

also, i feel the need to say that like. no, i do not read people's fics and give them feedback if i don't know them well because i know that i would have a hard time actually being honest; i do have friends on here whose work i've looked at before they posted it bc like . we are already friends and they know me enough to know that i would never intentionally hurt them, y'know?

however!! if you have a specific kind of writing question and you think i can help (and you have already checked google) then i would be up for helping!! but like...i cannot stress this enough... if you come to me with questions that i google and find the answer to within 10 minutes, i'm not gonna be helpful bc... you could have done that yourself y'know? do not ask me, like, "can you explain punctuation rules to me?" or "what's a noun?" (idk i'm spitballing rn) bc like. google it. that is a very easy answer to find.

now, if you have a question like "i have this line in my fic (insert line here) and i feel like it could be (insert your concern here); do you have any ideas?" or like a general plot kind of question, then i'm way more inclined to help!!*

*(note: i would really prefer if you asked these kinds of questions off-anon so that i can answer privately and also so i can maybe dm you to help you more!! if you send it off-anon and maybe i think the answer could help other people, then i might publish it, but i would never publish something you ask me to answer privately!)

ALSO, JUST SAYING: THE GRAMMAR QUESTION RULES ... ARE A LOT MORE LENIENT FOR NON-NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS !!! english is a funky lil language and like . most fluent adults i communicate with tend to struggle with it, so i get it if you have a question !! but again, please try to google it first !! if you google it and the results make no sense to you at all and you're getting even more confused, then yes i will try my very best to help you 💖 i really do enjoy helping as much as i can, especially with something like writing which i'm super passionate about and, i would say, pretty darn knowledgable of !! but at the end of the day i am still not google and it's very likely that google can answer some questions better than i can!

OKAY I WROTE A L O T DFGHLJK but yeah so . look at these links and if you have specific or follow-up questions, go ahead and send them!! GOOD LUCK ILY 💖

Character-Clow Reed

(avril lavingne voice) WHYD YOU HAVE TO GO AND MAKE THINGS SO CLOWMPLICATEEEED I SEE THE WAY YOURE ACTING LIKE YOURE SOMEBODY ELSE GETS ME FRUSTRATED- ok jokes aside LETS GOOOOO 

Why I like them:

for all my angry yelling and kicking and complaining you may be surprised to learn that clow(riol) is one of my favorite parts of ccs! 

i think that having the Mystery and Legend of a long-dead wizard that hangs over sakura’s head at the start get light shed on it more and more so that we can see he’s just a person makes the world of ccs feel small and personal. it really stabilizes the heart of the series, what i love most about ccs- that it’s a story about individuals and the choices they make. the magic itself all traces back to one man and the way he felt it was right to act and to treat other people. i think he’s a fascinating character and a very very good choice of central figure.

Why I don’t:

THAT SAID, AAAAAGHHHHH HE IS HORRIBLE HE IS JUST A TERRIBLE LITTLE MAN I HATE HIM I HATE HIM SOOOO MUCH. even putting aside everything he* pulls as eriol, just the things he does as clow reed make me SO upset....LYING ABOUT HIS DEATH??? ELABORATE SETUP TO PRETEND KERO AND YUE HAVE A CHOICE IN THE MATTER OF CHOOSING THE NEW CARD MASTER BUT ACTUALLY KNOWING ALL ALONG AND HAVING A SPECIAL MAGIC ITEM MADE TO SEE THAT IT GETS DONE??? BREEZING INTO A TOWN TO STEAL A FORTUNE TELLER’S BUSINESS, GETTING HER NICE AND KATE BEATON NEMESIS.PNG’D, AND THEN IGNORING HER FOREVER??? it’s bad!! *(it’s complicated,) ive said this jokingly before but i think he just doesnt even think about other people having agency, that he’s not trampling but Guiding and Helping. i think part of his controlfreakiness is also a deep fear that he’s not enough, that he can’t keep a friend on his own merits so he’s gotta get his claws sunk in as much as possible, whether by emotionally living rent free in people’s heads or magical dependance. and that’s not a uniquely horrible belief, yknow, i think it’s very human and normal, but the problem is no one can criticize him. not with the amount of control he has over the people he surrounds himself with, the fact that he can physically shut down kero and yue any time he likes, etc. it’s not that power inherently Makes You Evil, it’s that power made it harder for people to say “hey stop that”, and if no ones telling him to stop then he must be doing fine!

Favorite episode (scene if movie):

GENUINE TIE BETWEEN THE BACK TO THE PAST EP OF THE ANIME AND THE SAKURA SEES THE TRUTH SCENE IN MANGA. i think both of them are great- the tightly controlled dreamy guided tour where she sees just what he wants her to see, AND sakura outpowering him and seeing the reality of his lies. in the manga when sakura sees him gives gentle headkisses to kero and yue before putting them to bed and eriol+fujitaka-ing i go AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ....... THEY LOVE SOMEONE WHO IS TERRIBLE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUU MY HEART. i headcanon that’s when he mind-messed with them, too, i think he had to touch them to do it and that was how.

Favorite season/movie:

bold answer but im going to say the implications left behind in the clow card arc of Why Do Cards Act Like That/Have Those Specialties. what about clow made him want to make a voice-stealing card, a small-object-moving-card, a body-swap card, etc? it’s good questions.

Favorite line:

in the mokona book when they say he said dogs dont have owners they have housemates, bc that explains SOOOOO much abt him and how he treated kero and yue lololol. if you think being a pet owner and a roomate are the same you’re gonna treat your roomates, uhhhm, bad.

also if eriol counts its him in the wonderland ep like YOU DONT KNOW IF IM NOT THE KINDA PERSON TO PRETEND TO BE A CAT and I THINK YOU AND LI ARE SO DUMB I HAVE TO BITE MY TONGUE CONSTANTLY TO NOT INSULT YOU and BUT I CANT ACT LIKE THIS OR KERO AND YUE WILL KNOW IM CLOW. so like. was clow just like that then.

Favorite outfit:

uh his regular clothes are cool. theres an illustration on him in this cool coat with like a sun pin on it too. whenever i draw him in something frilly i have a huge brain. cant deny the guy has style and aesthetics. sakura’s first staff, look at it!! the style it has!!! 

OTP: 

im neutral-positive on clowyuuko cuz i havent holic’d since high school. you can refer to the answer i gave abt yue for clowyue thoughts (tl;dr: [touches ground] “something terrible happened here” ). madoushi is just kate beaton nemesis comic. 

i think it would be funny if albus dumbledore was his ex.

Brotp 

yuuko again i guess? and him and all his creations. headcanon territory even though that’s actually the next question but you asked for my thoughts so here they are: i think of him as trying to be a sort of fun camp counselor or teacher type for kero+yue and the cards- specifically a role with an authority behind it, but without the same sort of responsibility that a parent would have. or, i guess, lacking an unconditional love, always an undertone of you having to prove yourself. someone who you go to to learn from, but if he likes can also go “no no im just like you, now let’s have fun!”. it’s hard to explain, but there’s a difference. 

what i’m trying to get at here is i think it’s significant that the only creations he has that we see him truly ‘raise’, (going by the info+lack of it we have, anyway, i fill in the blank for myself that kero and yue and the cards all showed up full of knowledge, fully formed, CLAMP DO NOT INTERACT!!!!!), were the mokonas, with yuuko. it was another person’s influence that brought a parental attitude in, it’s not something he ever wanted to be. there’s also a healthy dose of “yue textually had a crush on clow and i will not, no way, let you make that any more unfortunate than that already is”, i’ll admit, but i think that’s just a puzzle piece of the whole theory here. i think it would also be funny if he knew people like tolkein (eriol’s a tolkeinverse name if i remember correctly) and c.s. lewis (side note, i find the fact that clow is an actively practicing christian really funny), but i dont want to think too deeply about that sort of realworld mix, yknow.

Head Canon: 

i think pranks were highly encouraged in his house and none of the clow cards are being intentionally destructive, just acting in ways that were totally normal at home, and are genuinely shocked to learn that people will get seriously injured without clow there to cushion their damage.

Unpopular opinion: 

evil

A wish: 

i wanna know what his pre-story days were like, his life with the cards, his life BEFORE the cards,

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: 

^ same the above but i find it out from clamp

5 words to best describe them:

did you know? clow sucks

My nickname for them: 

clown, :kingboo: (discord emoji of him with a 🚫 over it), “the bastard jester himself” (which is, or at least was, in comedian-podcaster stephen buckleys twitter bio and i think it abt clow frequently, sorry stephen buckley), king of living rent free in people’s heads

Good morning bitches I’m gonna vent for a bit first of all I fucking hate how my company’s director is in the staff WhatsApp group, trying to micromanage us when she doesn’t know shit about how we operate God sent her from hell tbh thinking she knows everything when she DONT every time I do stuff as we were trained to, she said I’m doing them wrong so every time I do it in accordance to her taste, I’M ALSO WRONG BECAUSE NOT FOLLOWING PROCEDURE honestly fuck you bitch I’m working on minimum wage with zero appreciation I even had to go thru a counselling session bc I didn’t answer a WhatsApp message during my break time do you fucking think I’d give a fuck abt doing things right in this economy????? And NOT FIGHT YOU????? I already did actually and her response was “I hope this is not how you talk to clients” haha bitch if they act like u why wouldn’t I maybe I’d also throw in a punch or two for that after sales service right wink wink

And then I came back to my rental house after a 12 hour shift, to a messy room bc my roommate doesn’t know how to fucking sweep the floor and she lives here most of the time (I only sleep here for 3 days a week at most) which means she’s the one who has more time to get her shit together and IT’S STILL ME WHO GOTTA CLEAN UP THE MESS THAT SHE MADE WHILE I WAS GONE honestly Idk how she steps on the floor, feeling how bloody dusty it is and thinking it’s fine?????? Her fan is collecting rolls of dust, the floor is coated with her talcum powder, 1/3 of the room is packed with her clothes and she’s fucking 30 years old with no common sense no wonder you’re still living at this shitty apartment and the only person you’re speaking to at night is your mom I mean no offence it’s great that you have such a wonderful bond with her but to still be sharing stuff like “mommy 🥺 i th-think this c-cute guy at work likes me uwu 🥺” at 30 yo, man I can only pray to God to make your life a bit more interesting, at least let you have a cat or sumn Idk or maybe a sex toy

AND I wanted to shower and use the toilet when I got back but yes of course my other roommate HAD to use it too at the same time and she took fucking forever doing Idk what in there and what pissed me off a lot was the fact that I am rarely here but Idk how every damn time I wanna use the toilet, she’d be in there, doing God knows what for the longest of time as if she’s the only person with a bladder in this house but yknow I was like ok fine the universe wants us to have the same potty schedule, no worries, its sense of humour is already shitty anyway so I understand so I decided to eat my breakfast first while watching a show on Netflix while waiting for her and oh my fucking— WHEN SHE CAME OUT OF THE TOILET SHE STARTED USING THE WASHING MACHINE AND IT MADE THE LOUDEST OF NOISE BUT THATS NOT HER FAULT SO I BIT ON MY TONGUE AND HELD IT IN BUT HOLY. Fuck. SHE THEN CAME TO THE SINK AND WAS WASHING WHATEVERFUCK WAS IT AND???? MADE MORE LOUD CLINKING NOISES AND OH MY GOD I WAS THIS 👌🏻 FUCKING CLOSE TO SMACK HER and I really can’t stand loud noises so Fuck me I just wish I can have some soju now and yeet myself out of the company and this house after burning everything down thank you for coming to my Ted Talk

Okiedok here’s the delio. I have a list of all the blogs from the last six months who’s actively either responded to a meme i sent, responded to a message ive sent, replied to something regarding mally herself, has actually written with me, written a starter for me from my liking a starter call, has at least liked a starter i wrote for them to awknowedge it exists, all that jazz, i have a lot of open field so it’s not just a possible tumblr didnt let them no option anymore, because i send memes to everyone who posts them that i see. I reply to most peoples ooc posts. I like most starter calls I pass by. I try my darndest to actually interact bc i know how it feels to be ignored and its… i’ve been called one before so i’m using the word, thats fluffing cunty behavior, and honestly if you complain about not being interacted with but never even try when i try with you, ya being cunty, end of. I gotta list. That list only entails Mally because she’s who I care about the most. I’m probably gonna start instilling a new rule in all my blogs that if you ignore Mally and/or Darcy( @tasedandconfused ), since I would say they’re my two main blogs tho darcy gets ignored even more than mally does, probably bc i denied canon and left it entirely we know fandom hates that, if either of them is ignored then… Ya out of luck, I’m gonna unfollow you. I’m debating soft blocking everyone who ignored me on both of them but I don’t want to like be mean and deny the chance to eventually try again but at the same time i shouldnt feel bad for taking a stand and saying this is bullsheet, idk my anxiety says im awful for giving a fluff about myself but also i should give a fluff about myself probably, ive nearly died in the last three months, my brain almost exploded, i just had three root canals on one corner of my face, i have to potentially get surgery on my inner ear which i cant even afford, i dont got time to deal with only being used for like smut memes or like as a resource blog or utter bs like that, i dont got time for it. So new rules here. 1: If Mally or Darcy are not acknowledged, written with, responded to, viewed as more than just their fluffing bodies? ya dropped, im unfollowing, potentially soft blocking, which means blocking and unblocking for those not in the know, on all accounts I follow you on. Every single one. I know most of my muses are on sideblogs but despite not being able to send memes from sideblogs you can block people from sideblogs fun fact, i will do that if i have to. 2: I’m gonna be posting SCs, PCs, memes, etc. I like and respond to plotting calls, starter calls, i send memes, all of that. If I don’t get any response within.. I’m giving one week for people who don’t run on a queue and a month and a half to people on a queue based system, if i dont get anything within that time like at least an im being like ‘its posted’ or ‘its queued i wanted to let you know in case tumblrs a fluffbutt’ (i do this sometimes if i dont get even just a like on the starters i post so i at least know people saw it since i know tumblrs bs, i wait until the day they’re active to do so in case theyre busy yknow) basically i need acknowledgment at all. No you can’t claim this is abt follower count bc when you unfollow someone they inevitably unfollow you too, thats gonna drop my following, not as quickly as soft blocking would but i wanna be fair i guess, which leads to: 3: I’m basing this on your activity too, like if i like a think and you’re gone for a month after that its fine, im not gonna unfollow you unless you never come back or youre online and posting others just not mine because that tells me youre specifically ignoring me and im gonna drop you for that end of. I’m done with the bullsheet im done w the dillish behavior, i love friendship but if im giving and never receiving thats extremely one way and not gonna work. I check through my follow list weekly and i go back about five-10 pages on someones feed before i unfollow them to see their actual activity and see if theyre here or if its a q so. I’m thorough basically. 4: You dont have to be active with me on all your blogs, i mean i’d prefer it but thats hard as fluff so essentially if you have like five blogs and are just like trying w me on two or three thats fine. Ten blogs, four or five with at least a plot formed is cool. Multis just one muse is all I’d need. I’m not gonna unfollow the blogs youre not writing w me on if you at least write w me on some. Again, specifically Mally and/or Darcy. If you ignore both of them, we’re done. I havent been active on darcy because of being ignored and its a huge butt mess and im just tired i wanna use my babies, you don’t get to have my ‘better’ muses like i know a lot of ppl only follow me for my boys or my villains, you don’t get them if you ignore my baby. But, there is a limit there too. 5: If you never respond to a meme or thread even once with Mally or Darcy, or post a starter, i reply, its never replied to again after a month, I’m unfollowing and/or soft blocking for that too. Bc that means youre just raising my hopes to fluff with me or get someone else and honestly, youre even more cunty than than the people just flat out ignoring me if you do that. And this isnt a specific person, this is five of the people actually on my list. Yes, my list is also annotated with specifics again I was very thorough on this yesterday, I hyperfixated I’ll admit it, I’m in a fluffing depressionary bubble and being told to get over it because people want something they dont deserve to have to. I am a believer that people deserve good things but if youre purposefully being cunty… no you dont. 6: No I’m not releasing my list, maybe I will and I’ll omit the urls because I don’t want people being buttholes to each other too but otherwise, yall not seeing it im not giving a callout because… really thats just unnecessary here. I don’t think yall are toxic people or something i just think yall are unintentionally being cunty. And no I don’t mean everyone that follows me i mean the ppl that add up to what i’ve documented so far and fit the bill of butthat that i’ve shown, its behaviors yall gotta check before ya wreck. Yes there will be some people who have priority, everyone has those people, I write w kathryn on other platforms since she doesnt go on here as often but when Kathryn returns from war here (if she does cause she also agrees most ppl on this platform are cunty, i feel really bad saying that word so often but im gonna keep doing it i recently deleted an ask saying I was a huge cunt for not sending someone smut memes when I didn’t even follow them or know they existed so, again the travesty of this place is nutballers) same with owly, alex is here too, my most active partners are always going to be priority because theyre the ones who show the most interest and the most care. I understand that with others as well which is why I have the timeframe set up, because I want to be as open and shizz as possible while atill being firm i guess. I don’t want to have extreme double standards like its impossible for double standards not to exist at least a little bit but I want to avoid a golden chest full of them I guess. 7: I don’t have a seven rn, this was an even number and it bothered me. Seven is nust my warning that I’m bittery writing this on mobile so formatting is not real but i tried my dandest to make this look like something people might actually mind. I dont want to be butty, i dont want to be awful, i dont want to start drama or have drama but that shizz comes around anyways so i might as well make my space as okay for me as i can cause im supposed to avoid stress so my brain doesnt almost explode again, like again i almost fluffing died i dont need ppl fake being my friend or anything, i want stuff to be real and clear. I want to be happy to be on here again and have fun like i used to since my health is plummetting and I’m not allowed to go outside near plants by myself anymore because i welt up. I have plants outside my work place and im surrounded by chemicals all day long I’m welted from here to new york constantly and never comfortable in my own skin because of it and constantly see people online acting like these actual real problems are pretentious because ‘its an excuse’ when, im a fluffing sagittarius, do you know how much i want to magically be a millionaire so i can pay for friends and my own medical stuff and go on traveling and adventures, be outside probably not camping bc as a pagan i know thats a death sentence but like be outside, lay on grass, go back to swimming because i used to swim competitively and due to health reasons i can barely even go in a pool anymore because theres too much sunlight which, bit plot twist i know, im fluffing allergic to vitamin D and the rays of the sun, so go figure, attempts to be healthy kill me more, i also cant eat most plants and am constantly dying from just eating food, they dont know whats wrong with me. i cant fix it by going ve/gan for a month inf act i tried and it almost made my heart stop thanks society. These arent excuses these are the lives of disabled and diseased and to a lesser but still very real point, ethnic lives every fluffing day. This is real shit and its murder and online and gaming? It may be all I have soon since I can’t just go out and make new friends cause, again, I’d fluffing die. I get sick going to the mall or the movie theater, I miss theme parks so much but have to minimize it to weeks i dont have work so i dont get fired for having a welt while working in the beauty industry. I may have to get a degree online and change my field entirely because of my illness that nobody understands. People even make fun of it constantly online and I wish I could just drop online entirely because of how unbelievably ableist the entirety of the world is, i wish i could drop humans in general for their ableism, but i cant. I don’t have choices in most cases, but throwing away people who maybe purposefully maybe unintentionally thats why i’m giving you this warning and will be repeating this warning for awhile, this is where i have choice. I have to use what little choice I have in life while I can since everytime i go to movies or a concert or a theme park i almost die because of not having an immune system that functions or being in certain air qualities pr being near plants or unclean people, I may not have much time and I gotta do whats best for what little mental health I have, and if that means dropping people i care about and really want to write with and do things with but who ignore me then, i guess so be it.

ARRANGED IS SO GOOD !!! I was so into it that even I was mad at Hobi for the first couple chapters because the situation was so frustrating and the two of them don’t understand each other, but then chapter four? A game changer! It made me squeal by the end (even though I really didn’t want the OC to start having feelings again because he doesn’t reciprocate and she’s just going to end up being hurt again) 😣

UGH!!!! Hobi is someone u just can't hate despite how badly you want to!!!😭😭😭 i read a comment saying how he doesn't really love roa bc he didn't choose her over his job but like,,, y'all don't understand!!! It's not fair of y'all to do that to him!! It's not only his life he'd be throwing away! His family, the company employees, the investors... everything hung on his shoulders. And yeah in a perfect world he would have been completely selfish and chosen Roa and lived that fantasy life with her but he's a grown man who understands the consequences of life. But these people also have to understand Roa never made her feelings known. Yes men r simple and oblivious creatures. He might have had a sense but y'all... I'm sure if he knew for certain that Roa loved him and wanted him as badly as he wanted her he would have dropped everything. I am so certain of it. And so was Roa. She knew he would have left everything to be with her. And god how tempting it was... but she didn't do it. So you guys can't fault this all on Hoseok. You can't. She sacrificed her happiness too.

He'll never stop loving Roa that I'm certain. Like yeah hobi and yn are end game obvs but you never really stop loving someone like that yknow? It'll be interesting to see how obi ends the chapter on hoseoks and roas love life that never got to blossom cause u best believe imma b cryin over dat 4 long time.

Also like he was a major dickwad to y/n but wouldn't you be too??? If you had to marry someone you didn't know when there was already someone else you loved and wanted to marry???? I'd hate that person for stealing my happiness away - even though technically they didn't even want it either. :((((( seeing them would be a constant reminder that the one you married isn't who your heart yearns for. It sucks man. And to know that you'll be seeing them often at parties or gatherings and having to pretend nothing's wrong???. Dang I'd b crying every time i see my love.

they're all bad guys in each other's eyes bc they're all hurting and wanting someone to blame and like can roa and yn just run away together and b bffs 4 lyf bc theyre both so strong and selfless and they doNT ACT LIKE ANIMALS TO EACH OTHER OHMYGOD the maturity that radiates off of them!!! Like yes they both don't like each other, duh, but they also understand how the other may be feeling and they can't bring themselves to hate each other like Damn y'all. That takes a lot of strength. In an alternate universe I'd like to believe they're both not into the sameman and do become friends bc they're both so likable ugh.

And i love that roa isn't a character we can hate easily. I love that she is so greatly developed as a character and wow i am writing an essay in response to your ask LMAO but i can't help it!!! It's fresh on my mind and i love it to pieces.

Also. THEY'RE GONNA B SLEEPING ON ONE BED TOGETHER SOON. ON GOD. IM GONNA D WORD. YN IS PROBABLY GONNA TOO. Also hobi is just so...... infuriating but also so endearing like bby.....i can't wait for your character development LMAO. JOKES ON HIM. HE'S BEEN CAST AS THE LEAD FROM DAY 1. HAH.

Also @ ur last comment. I felt that. Obi does a great job at mixing in amazing humor with the angst so that it isn't ssooo heavy and sad lmao but it's still there and I'm guna b so sad bc i love yn so much i forget who said it but like yes ok we know she's not a damsel in distress (i mean technically yeah she is loolll) nor is she weak but i just.... wanna protecc her 4 lyf u feel me????🥺🥺🥺 she deserves all the gud in the worl ok????

dabihawks hogwarts au bc im fucking tired of the same old canon angsty “romeo and juliet” “enemies to friends to lovers” bullshit theres too much angst and way too less cliché happy endings and I wanted a harry potter au

well first off houses

for dabi I had this whole plot idea

that his whole family has been in gryffindor 

and that endeav*r would fucking murder him if he got in slytherin bc 

“those snakes are evil touya” 

so of course he tries his fucking level best

to not get in gryffindor

despite having some of the characteristics

he is brave

but hes a rebellious idiot in the opposite situation as sirius black

so hes determined to get in slytherin if its the last thing he does

he fukcing. okay.

okay so he puts on the sorting hat.

and immediately the hats like:

“ah mister todo-”

“slytherinslytherinslytherinslytherinslyth-”

“wh-”

“PLEASE”

this goes on with him not letting the hat talk for like five minutes

(but his fire is blue 

so I rly wanted him to be in ravenclaw

it mATCHES CMON)

the hat decides on ravenclaw

bc he just doesn't have the cunning and ambition it takes to be a slytherin i mean cmon his life goal is to destroy his dad and in canon he literally joined the league of villains to do it 

wow so cunning

plus he looks good in blue

and so he gets in ravenclaw 

hes annoyed but

“it’ll do I guess”

it’d make rei happy

hawks however gets into gryffindor the second he puts on the hat

and his reaction is

‘nice’

they met on the train

dabi was sitting in his own compartment when a kid with the prettiest goddamn eyes hes ever seen in his admittedly short life steps inside

‘hi can I stay here”

“hi can you stay forever”

‘what’

“nothing”

hawks is a neglected muggleborn who was using his magic discreetly to save people in his sketchy neighborhood

then the ministry found him and the aurors were pissed off that a muggleborn kid was better at saving people than them

so they took him in and the rest is history

dabi is a pureblood who hates his shitty abusive dad and loves his mom and siblings

and is determined to rebel as much as he can to piss off that dick

they’re best friends immediately

dabi likes magical history

bc the teacher doesnt notice anything so he can slack off and hes good at studying on his own so he passes

so he can catch some sleep in those classes

hawks likes charms bc hes good at it

he makes puns about how “charming he is”

dabi pretends he finds it annoying

(he doesn’t)

(bc he knows its true)

and his favorite spell is wingardium leviosa 

like its his go to

to the point that dabi doesn't even notice when things just float by him

until one day its him thats floating

and he just gives hawks a deadpan look

“seriously”

‘in my defence you weren't paying attention to me’

but they both love defence and potions

bc those are the only classes gryffindor and ravenclaw have together

they sit together and fuck around 

to the point that the teachers get pissed and kick them out

which just makes them run to the grounds and sit near to the black lake

they have a tree thats like their spot

its a common sight to see dabi lying with his head on hawks lap

while hawks is leaning against the tree smiling fondly at him with his hands threaded through dabi’s hair

they start dating in fifth year

or more like dabi stutters his way through asking him out

“hey d-dyou wanna go to hogsmede w’me”

‘we?? always go together so yeah ?? and its not like i’d go alone??? cmon thats just sad who goes to hogsmede alone smh”

“n-nonono I mean. like. on a (incomprehensible mumbling)”

‘what are u saying u moron I literally cannot hear you”

“(inhale) GO ON A DATE WITH ME”

‘yeah ok”

hawks was totally freaking out on the inside and he was blushing faintly too but dabi didnt notice bc

dabi was so confused and hes like explaining “on a date-date. like I like you. like i wanna be boyfriends date”

‘yea I know I said yes’

“haah??”

hawks confesses later than day that hes liked dabi since second year

“ha, well, I got you beat there buddy ive been in love with you since we met on the train”

‘what’

“oh shit gtg’

dabi dyes his hair in 4th year

hes like “well if I have a little town with a drugstore near my school I gotta take advantage dont I”

hawks’ only response is ‘go with black’

and when he gets piercings over the summer thats the limit

hawks cant handle it

hes dying dabi looks so gooddd

he hangs out with miruko more just to rant about how hot dabi is

‘I CANNOT HANDLE THIS HE WAS SAYING THE OTHER DAY THAT HE WANTS TATTOOS I WOULD ACTUALLY DIE’

(miruko tells dabi one day in the future about all of hawk’s bs

theyre in the three broomsticks

dabis wisely drinking butterbeer

hawks took like ten shots of firewhisky and went out like a light

he just leant on dabi’s shoulder and thats where he stayed, snoring, for the next half hour before dabi takes him home

miruko “yknow hes so in love with you he used to complain about how pretty u are”

dabi “wait back up he likes me???”

*softly but with feeling* ‘what the literal fuck dabi’

“HAWKS LIKES ME???”

dabi shakes hawks awake wildly

“hawks wake up do you like me???” “babe we’re literally married’)

and they live happily ever after and nothing bad happens ever ty for coming to my tedtalk

2020

overall this year was bad. bad, just like any other, how its always been, so nothing special. im writing this because my memory is getting worse and worse, and im sick of not remembering

corona lowkey annoying cuz i couldnt visit my friends on new years eve, but other than that everythings the same. on a positive note i didnt have to work as much either, and on a negative note i didnt get as much money. but thats alright.

((rude, unempathetic rant incoming. i know what im about to say is stupid but its my feelings and i want to talk about it regardless. if anyones reading, skip this)) what HAS been bothering me the most about corona is all the „2020 bad“ memes and people legitimately complaining about it. cuz like... nothing has changed. every year is horrible. it always has been. every year innocent people die, and nobody can do anything about it. of course i feel horrible for the people who lost their income/housing or family members because of it, and they have all the rights to complain... but lets be honest. none of the people i talk to were affected in any way by it. and the majority of people i hear talking about it havent lost their family/friends or homes to it either. its just a mild inconvenience to them, not being able to party without being arrested or seeing their friends or some shit. boo hoo, im alone all the time and never see any of my friends either and at this point im completely love & touch starvated regardless of corona. get over it

so... corona things out of the way, ive started thinking about my mental illnesses & trauma... A LOT. ive never thought about it all that much, because critical thinking is not something im able to do, usually. ive been reading lots of comix of people talking about/depicting mental illness, so i guess that kind of inspired and changed something in me, if i like it or not.

well, it turns out there is a shitton to unpack. i mean, ive always known there is so much wrong with me... but i was never really aware, if that makes sense. im still in the dark about most things, but its all coming together, little by little. i dont want to put my finger on anything, because im dumb, but at this point im 100% sure autism/aspergers isnt the only thing i got. far from it, in fact.

ive also learned that a lot of things in my life have left me with genuine, significant trauma, which ive never really realized before. i just thought the way i react to some things is cuz im, yknow... a whiny bitch. to name a few things:

me getting defensive/snappy when people of „authority“ (family, caretakers, doctors) ask me if im tired, how late i went to bed etc bc it is indirectly tied to why i was forced into psychiatry & the abuse i had to suffer there

fight or flight response activating when people talk about being in support of outdoor cats (i dont even want to fucking elaborate. tl;dr: my cat was almost killed by outdoor cat people and would be dead now if i hadnt gotten my shit together and worked hard on getting my own apartment, where he is safe. ive recieved no support & only been demonized during this time). this is a genuine fucking trigger

my rocky relationship with my mother and my thoughts about her, who is a genuinely good person, but managed to fuck me over, rip my entire ass apart and ruin my life regardless. also her lowkey restrictive/controlling upbringing stunting me for life

my huge, life-impairing abandonment issues. i dont even know where they come from, all i ever experienced were regular breakups & rejections with no hard feelings that just hit me especially hard for no reason i guess

how i cannot bear to be alone in a discord voice channel waiting for people to join & my stunted ability to talk to people when im alone with them (i got actively excluded by my best friends for being suicidal & a downer, they created a discord voice channel i couldnt see & didnt have access to for them to be without me, all while i was waiting all day long alone in our regular channel for someone to join me, in the same server)

relatedly, my inability to talk about my problems & mental illnesses with them. is also related to the cat incident

also my inability to show affection ever since my best friend stopped telling me „i love ya“

nothing else i can think of rn

i also realized that something is fundamentally, objectively wrong with me. i cant really talk about it... but the actions of one of my friends made it clear to me. it was proof that, somehow, im imbued with the horrifying essence of some eldritch lovecraftian horror being, repulsing everyone without them even realizing, unable of being loved. and its just... this knowledge, its too heavy to bear, for a single human being. i dont know what to do. i will have to live with this for the rest of my life - and i cant do anything about it.

ive also reconnected with an old friend over animal crossing, who introduced me to some other old friends (they were more like aquaintances back then, really), and in one of them ive found a friend for life, pretty much. but theyre all great, really.... i seriously appreciate that. they took my mind off my other best friend, whos been kind of ignoring my needs, resulting in me having panic attacks every day.

also, im making more of an effort to talk to & reply to the people i care about, cuz i have this friend who would chat me up every now and then, without me ever messaging him, just for me to ignore him for a couple hours cuz im too tired/busy/whatever... so at one point i was like „wait, what am i doing? hes one of the few friends who actually makes an effort, and i really care about this bitch!!“, so i went ahead and got my shit together, as best as i can at least (depressions still a bitch but im trying)

one last thing i wanna talk about... my view on life. this is gonna be huge, i think. big trigger warning for suicide stuff & other negative shit

im suicidal. always have been. thats not a secret, everyone who knows how to read between the lines (i cant, but most people do) can see that. sometimes you dont even have to, cuz im telling you outright. i usually dont talk about this openly though, not to my friends at least, cuz people only put up with suicidals for so long, and i cant afford to lose anyone else... ahem. anyways, something changed in the way i see suicide. when i was younger, i wanted to die because the pain i had to bear was just too great. there was no hope. and its still true - the pain is unbearable. i am in pain every waking moment. i have been for almost 11 years now. there is no joy, there is no happiness, there is only distraction.

however, thats not the reason i wanna die anymore. i think think that if i put in effort, i think i could be... not in pain, all the time anymore. but, heres the thing: i dont want to. im too tired, im too broken. i dont want to change, and i dont want anyone else to change. now i just want to die, for the sake of it. because i love death, with all of my heart. i think death is the best thing that could happen, to anyone. i 100% believe death is the only thing that will save you, ever. i am not exaggerating when i say „i love death“. and to live, without having the means to safely & efficiently kill myself... its destroying me. i get panic attacks every week thinking about it. what if someone else leaves me? im not gonna take it anymore, i refuse to. i refuse to keep suffering, but to end my suffering once and for all i have to die. i really, truly hate living... it just really isnt for me. and thats okay, im fine with it, im fine with dying - its what i want, its my choice, its my destiny - and i love this destiny. i wouldnt want it any other way - to kill myself, or be killed, thats how i want to go. i just need someone to help me. idk where im going with this, so lets move onto my next point:

my worldview. so.. im not sure when this all started. was it 2020? or 2019? maybe it started to dawn on me even earlier, i dont really know, but its been really intense in 2020. the way i view the world & life has changed drastically (or rather, formed, ive never really thought about it that much before). my mom has made it clear to me that you could be a genuinely good, loving person... and still fuck up your kid for life. and this is why i came to the conclusion that good parents, who dont fuck up their children irreversibly... they dont exist. the moment youre born into this world, youre doomed. there is no one who doesnt suffer, there is no one who doesnt want to die - and if they tell you they dont, they either just dont know yet or are in denial. if there is ANY chance of someone growing up to suffer just like i do - it is not worth it. irresponsible, even - to bring a kid into this world. and, the way the world is, and continues to be, there will never be the chance for someone to never suffer like me. which is why i dont think children should be born into this world, ever. and it fucks with me - it fucks with me so bad.

...happy mew year, everynyan

How do you feel about the latest chapter? With the Tou//Ken marriage, Tsuki//yama's reaction, a possible death flag raised for Tou//ka, and plenty of other things? I've really tried to be hopeful about everything that has been going on in the recent chapters. I've really tried to be hopeful and tell myself that Ishi//da is going to work everything out and that something WILL go down... Because it IS a tragedy manga, after all... Right? Regardless, everything is going completely downhill.

i feel you anon,, i want to be hopeful and believe that this is just the calm before a massive storm but i honestly dont want to delude myself only to end up disappointed, so i'll just keep reading and hope we can go back to our regular dose of suffering (remember when we were so caught up in tragedy that nobody had the energy for ship wars? i miss that)now onto the wedding; well it was obviously rushed (they talked properly for the first time like ~10 chapters ago, had sex about 5 chapters ago, and suddenly theyre getting married) like ive seen MANY rushed relationships in animanga but tou//ken takes the cake honestly. it makes me wonder if ishida died and was replaced or some shit because this is definitely not the tokyo ghoul i know (like even the poor attempts at foreshadowing... ishida was better than that???). ngl i thought their outfits looked kinda cool but like, not really suitable for a wedding?? ghouls arent some tribe that has never been in contact w/ humanity after all, and tsukiyama of all ppl (who was responsible for wedding shit, sigh) would know what a proper wedding dress looks like. or maybe he didnt want to see kaneki and touka in those and went for bdsm costumes instead lmao as for tsukiyamas reaction,, like honestly, i didnt expect him to be super angry or cry on the spot or whatever, knowing him he would smile through it all but i didnt want him to be the wedding planner, although it doesnt seem TOO out of place. tsukiyama changed tremendously and started valuing other people over himself to the point where he would give up certain things for them (perhaps to make up for his selfishness before) and like. its good and all but GOD I FEEL SO BAD FOR HIM.... i want him to be a lil more selfish!! like son please think of your own wellbeing more,,,, its difficult to tell what hes thinking too bc throughout the manga we've always gotten tsukiyamas thoughts along with his actions, but recently we don't know what he's thinking so i guess that also contributes to him seeming kind of ooc... like for all we know he could be BOILING inside and playing it off yknow. i dont wanna be hopeful and say ishida is preparing us for a plot twist involving him but idk... it'd be nice to have him be relevant again and about other things happening.. some plot points do interest me (the dragon thing which seems like a Shirazu Comeback™) but some are like. so random? for example that underground city with the one-eyed ghoul like where tf did that come from? and why was that plot suddenly pushed aside like everything else for some tou////ken shit? i feel like ishida could use the space he wasted on toeken interactions to shed light on more important matters, like perhaps have kaneki fucking TALK to all the other characters he has unresolved business with instead of dedicating an entire chapter to bad sex (god im still salty about that). that reminds me!!!! i really hate what ishidas doing with kanekis characterization where he tosses literally everyone he ever cared about aside (didnt even bother talking to mutsuki when he showed up at :re like biiiih yall spent the last 3 years together have some common decency, or where he called toeka his best friend, like whats with hide????? i dont even like hide that much but ishida doin him dirty) to highlight tou///kas presence in his life? and you just KNOW that this'll obviously end in her or the baby's death. its tragic how ppl are so ready to see their fave be reduced to a petty love interest for breeding a baby and later on dying for his Man Pain™ just cause their ship became canon,,, makes me think that they dont care abt tou/ka as a character but only as an accessory to kaneki lmao.. im sorry this got a lil long but i hope i could explain myself well OTL

fun story about me

like ive always liked putting myself in fantasy worlds and stuff and situations to interact w my faves or even not faves but actually wanting to date them prolly started w cro in high school

like since everyone said they liked him based on the design but when he was actually revealed they hated him w a passion i latched onto him bc all the people i spent time around (”friend group” in theory lmao) hated him and also treated me like trash sooooo

the same happened w nea a few yrs later when everyone turned against her too

with hans it was totes an eventual thing, i started to feel less and less sympathetic w the leads and eventually was just like “yknow heck that. theyre terrible manipulative shits and my hottie sideburns boy deserves better”

weirdly enough w moz it was also a “no one else likes him in said group” sorta thing, but oddly enough i could see myself ending up liking him like like like more eventually even without that reason (but it definitely helps bc my shitty hero complex)

but dont think this means i dont doubt every hecking second. and about ocs/self inserts too. like i started to share a bit more about my multiverse insert and 2 seconds in ppl are like “um. too op.” like dude i never said its not going to be op- besides the op stuff is a coping mechanism and this whole fic/au/whatever thingy is in response to my not good mental state and guilt over things in the past and a means of catharsis/recovery from the strain of that

like i worry about anyone finding out much about kasumi bc i feel like the same thing would happen. but the thing is im totes interested in 13 and 14 for the setting and story but not in a romantic way any characters (at least w kasumi), whereas i have like no interest in most of 15 save for 3 characters (one of which i ship w, the other is a brotp and the other is a friendship)

i just feel like everyone will say that none of them would like me if they found out. they already act like that. the thing is i heckin dont care if they dont like me. i dont care if hans doesnt wanna do the do the first second he sees my mess of a self, but i do want to make his life better. same w like everyone.

the thing is im simultaneously the most and least jealous person ever. im not bc i have super low self esteem for the most part (the only times i take care of myself is when ive passed the point of giving a heck) and know im shit and everyone else must be better than me, nor do i care to correct them when they think theyre better than they are or whatever. but at the same time im super jealous/competitive when stuff rubs me the wrong way. it takes literally everything in me to stop myself from correcting people when they start talking shit, and no matter if i do or dont ill still feel like shit about it. that and i keep seeing stuff and thinking “i can do better than that” because it rubs me the wrong way- but at the same time a lot of times i have like no motivation to do that. im just really hecking tired. im the opposite of a fish im like one of those hairless dogs i need warmth and support to survive

metr0con 2019 friday diary

Cosplayed/breakfast/snack: same as thursday diary

For future me only. preferred that you dont read this, thanks. 

Okay so we arrived at like, 10:23 or abt that time so i had some time before my first panel so i just kinda walked around. i dont think anything happened around that time, sorry. my memory of today is a lil bit hazy at parts. but while on the escalator, i looked over at registration n saw creeper print and a yellow crown n the person rly looked like king gavin n i openly Gasped but i couldnt get to them obviously but i was like gjhnsmjgh hh.

then, i went to the yoi panel! uhm.. not much to comment on for this panel, sorry. there was a viktor, yuri, and yurio! i remember there was a personality swap ask and for part of the panel, they all had switched jackets because of a dare.

next was the oh-shc panel! the honey was rly cute n gave a lot of hugs to a lot of the audience members n they were such sute hugs gjhnsm.. like the ones where u semi-leap at a person n hug em w slight movement it was so cute. kyoya said his entire budget book he brought was all for tamaki’s expenses and tamaki proposed to haruhi as a dare but earlier in the panel he was imagining outloud him n haruhi’s wedding gjhnsm

after that, i couldve went to the grav!ity falls panel or the bn-ha one, but since the bn-ha one was in the same room as the previous two, i just decided to stay in my seat for that one. the todoroki n kirishima came in late w starbucks which todoroki says was paid for by endeavor bc he had his dad’s credit card n he actually gave out 2 fake paper credit cards to ppl. aizawa got asked what the dumbest thing he’s gotten asked by one of his students n he said it was “whats your quirk, aizawa?” n todoroki said “it’s not ‘is mayonaise an instrument’? then there was other stuff n they played Sentences and i suggested the scenario “furry convention” after someone suggested todoroki and izuku. ALSO!!! i won the raffle for a bn-ha poster! it was drawn by the uraraka that was one of the panelists n it looks so good ;w; dunno where im gonna put it.. but as my first fanmade print (that’s not my hs wall scroll, which was officially licensed), ill cherish it.

after that i had time to walk! i saw a bunch of id0lish cosplayers! the id0lish7 ones in the dream journey outfits n the 2 trigger members i saw were in similar outfits? i forgot the name for them. anyway! i saw a gentaro n took their pic n they were like “i hav a dice n ramuda somewhere around here.. we’re fl!ng posse” so i wndered around the dealers room n eventually found the dice n ramuda together n took their pic too! thn i kept wanderin n i!! found the king gavin n i was like “are you cosplaying king gavin” n they were like “yea!” n i was!! so happy!!! n they turned to their friend n they were like “see you shouldve stayed in costume! [turns 2 me] they were mad k!ng ryan up until a lil while ago; they changed” but anyway i took their pic n they were talking abt how it feels kinda odd to come to terms w the fact theyre cosplaying minecraft n how they saw a minecraft person earlier n thought abt talking to them but it’s different bc it’s ach!evement hunter so they dont kno the full picture. i saw a corrin w arei button!! which was exciting. also met a nico who said they were gonna b arashi that day but didnt wanna contour but theyre gonna b her tomorrow!! DURING THIS TIME i also saw an adachi body pillow at an artist’s booth n im.. gjhnskm....... i wanted it...... i later found out it was $60 tho so. ;w; i met a sougo n tamaki n i asked if i could take their pic n they said yea, just give em a sec, n the sougo was like “r u cosplayin tsukasa??” n i said yep n they were like do u wanna b in our mv?” n i thought it was a whole event thing n i was like “oh. id hav to check my schedule i might b busy but” n they were talking abt how we (me, the luka next to them, n the kaito next to luka) would just do like steps to the side by following sougos lead n i was confused n repeated myself but the sougo was like “oh, no no it’s right now” n so i did that w them while the tamaki filmed n unfortunately i 4got to ask their instagrams so idk where the vid is but w/e. the sougo told me abt an id0lish meetup at 5 pm, too, out on the docks. 

the h!veswap panel was p funny! an eridan n feferi in the audience were also entertaining, esp during the improve games. i remember someone asked lanque “what r ur fashion tips?” n lanque was like “...Dont Bother” n joey was confused by troll stuff n i asked daraya what her fav punk band was n she was like “we only listen to the grubbles. have u heard em?” n i was like “i.. actually havent heard the full album yet so i guess not?” but as im typing this i think i actually have?/ oops. anyway a lot happened but it’s rly hate so im gonna.... move on. im typing this paragraph last bc i 4got to type it lmao.

a ruby and dia complimented my nails! then i saw a doppo!! they were apparently the reo i took a pic of yesterday. they said their jakurai was still getting ready. 

i tried to go to the grav!ty falls party but it was just one girl as mabel making the audience do games for prizes that were rly boring like decoding n stuff so i left after abt 15 minutes n went walking again. i had 2 hrs to walk now.

i went downstairs after walkina round the dealers room n there was!! a bloody banquet rei and koga!!! they were so pretty.. i was intimidated kinda but i managed to approach them n we talked abt rei’s rei itabag n koga’s goro itabag n rei said they once spent $150 dollars in rei merch in one sitting on yahoo auctions whoa. they were rly cool tho! we talked for a few minutes. later, i also saw another hypm!c group of MTR + ramuda n took their pics n the ramuda was like “ur sign omg. wait r u tsukasa??” n i said yep n we got excited abt ES n the jakurai told me theres an ES meetup tomorrow at 1 pm!! unfortunately, i hav a panel (2, actually, but i can only choose 1) that is at that time so idk if ill go... esp since it’ll prob only b a few ppl n im not the type of person to make friends anyway, yknow? ....anyway! the hifumi game me a lil clear heart tin w tiny fake yellow flowers n a piece of paper that said: “thank u, prince/princess! -hifumi [doodle of 2 champagne glasses]” n thats.. so cute. i gave them a lollipop in return. little while later, met another jakurai! i think we also talked abt ens-tars!! cant remember a lot of it tho gomen. then a lil while later, i saw the kakeru cosplayer i had heard abt on twitter! they were manning an art booth. i was like “are you cosplaying kakeru?” n they were like “yea!” n i took their pic n i was like “i didnt think id rly find k!npri cosplayers here aa” n the kakeru went “FINALLY i can use one of these!” n handed me a lil kakeru sticker they drew n i was like “his fumb bg pink jacket.. it makes him look like a Shrimp” n we both laughed n they showed me the k!npri stuff on their table n a joji on the other side of their display that looked like he was behind bars bc the display thingy and a jin hanging from one of the bars. they (the kakeru n the person they were with) were like “we kept seeing you walk by w ur sign n we were like ‘i hope they find leo!’” (both days, bc the other person asked if i was tsukasa yesterday) n i showed them my yug!oh card that’s an obscure reference to a tsukasa cg! n i talked to them a lil bit abt ens-tars but i cant remember a lot gahh!! and while i was standing there, a honoka came up and asked for my photo n i was like “ANOTHER ES FAN??” n i talked to them for a sec n forgot to put up my prop for the photo at first gjhnsm but that was cool!!  oh, the honoka also asked me if i liked anzu n i was like “she’s super cute in the anime”

after that i tried to go to the fru!ts basket panel but im only 6 eps in the remake anime n they had almost all the characters n i didnt understand a lot of the questions bc i hadnt seen much of the show so.. then after only a few minutes of q+a they started up trivis so i left n just walked around the dealers room. it was during this time that my crown fell off (SECOND DAY IN A ROW) n i searched the whole dealers room but couldnt find it?? ghh..

ANYWAY i found another ramuda w a jakurai n the ramuda liked my sign too n they were like “ur tsukasa!” n i went yep n they saw the buttons ns tuff on my bag n all my keychains n they were like ‘oh, sry” n i was like “no no, it’s okay, u can go thru all the keychains on my backpack i hav A Lot” n i pointed out chiaki as my best boy n mika as my 2nd fav n they said they cosplay hakaze. at some point, i played drops on my flip phone i think bc ramuda was saying smth pertaining to drops?? mayb not. but i played it n jakurai was like “oh god i hav to hear it hre too..” (in-character, i think) n i spotted another ramud in the distand n asked them to wtch my stuff while i took the ramudas pic so i went over n the person next to them had an arashi plush!e n we both squealed (i think. i did tho, Loudly.)

after this i just wandered n i danced on the dance floor! chacha slide, cupid shuffle, n time warp iirc! def time warp tho. also to some 80s song n some guy not in cosplay spun me around nt ried to swing dance we me but he was completely leading it n i didnt kno what to do!! after that i saw a tumblr/con friend while on my way to the yoi panel!!

then the yoi panel was actually p funny! a lot of questions abt yurio’s parents being viktor and yuri and yuri n viktor slowdanced to an edd sheeran song n otabek showed off their muscles (like, flexed their arms in their tank top) n yuri kept dramatically thwipping open their rainbow fan esp in responses to gay asks. at one point, someone asked abt yaois n a mom who was attending w their preteen or teen child was like “whats yaoi?” n the ppl behind her were like “i dont wanna b the one to do this..” n ppl told the mom n the mom to their teen/preteen kid was like “what are u watching? where? is it okay? is it on tv?” n the kid was responding to ehr questions but i couldnt hear them gjhnsm. yurio did a dance to a song n after that, we all danced to cupid shuffle n wobble n then i stopped but others did the time warp too. oh! also i answered a trivia question right (”who’s yuri’s best friend?” “pichit”) and got an utapr! keychain/strap! it’s reiji in a glitter thing. none of the other stuff there aside from some yoi straps was my fandoms so i saw utapr! n went for it.

then the bnh-a pj party! ...uh. the original panelists never showed up so random bn-ha cosplayers (and their non-cn.ha-cosplaying friends) tred to host the panel but everythign was hectic and loud n unfocused n a wreck but i noticed a ramuda n a hifumi i hadnt taken a pic of yet in the corner of the room (there were no chairs) so i eventually got annoyed/bored n went over to ask for a pic but ended up asking to sit w them (i walked over, put my sign down, n went “i said Fuck leo rights n higumi was like “that chara is familiar..” n i said leo from ES n they were like “oh i watched p 1 of that” n i was like “ep 2, this unday. stan ryuseitai”) n i ended up talking to them abt hypm!c n cosplay stuff n i talked a bit abt ens-tars and we all agreed that stella n papillion Slap on the new album. n ramuda said they were cosplaying as a prom!sed neverland haracter tomorrow n recommended it to me n i was like “oh im watching fru!ts basket rn tho” n the hifumi said they were too n the ramuda was like “do u kno the horse one in fru!ts basket? My Horse Boyfriend....” (the game. i think that was the name) so i showed them the hypm!c ask blog where they draw some of the charcaters as horses n the other characters as cowboys n the ramuda showed me the pics that r on their swear jar (photshopped pics of kinako w long legs in stockings+heels) n id0lish memes n it was all chill!! i played drops for them on my phone too. someone came over n went “if u can type w those nails, ur a god[dess]” n i said i could w Only my nails n they said i was like a god[dess] hehe. the higumi said they should make a tumblr n i heard them muttering “should i put 14 on here?” n ramuda went “well i mean, you Are 14-” n i went “ur 14?” n they nodded n i asked the ramuda how old They were n they said 14 n i was like “oh my god.. yallre babies..... gjhnsmk im 18.” n the ramuda crawled back a bit n they were like “18??” n the hifumi was like “u look so young tho whoa! rly?” n i was like “yea i look p young.. ive been compared to a freshman b4..... n yea i graduated like 2 months ago” n the hifumi was like “congratulations :o”