The Untamed - Episode 19

Throughout the night, he [Jiang Cheng] had somehow managed to sleep a couple of times. The first reason was that, having been too tired from crying himself weak, he couldn't help from passing out. The second reason was that he still had the hope that this might be a nightmare. He couldn't wait to wake up after some rest and open his eyes to find himself lying inside of his room back in Lotus Pier. His father would be wiping his sword in the main hall. His mother would be angry again and complaining, scolding Wei Wuxian who winked in a funny way. His sister would be in the kitchen, thinking as hard as she could about what to make today. His shidi would be refusing to do their morning lessons properly and jumping around.

The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation, Chapter 59, Poisons- Part Four

Counterweight

Summary: “One night, he tells you that these last six months of happy memories are the counterweight to two hundred years of misery.”

Pairing: Spawn!Astarion x gn!Tav Reader 

Word count: 700

Warnings: mention of sex (18+), FLUFF, 1d20 psychic damage to my emotional well-being

---

“Well, as you know, I am an avid admirer of the freedom of nature’s gifts’’ Astarion taunts, laying next to you, chest puffed up and voice rumbling as he shoots you a smirk.

A grin spreads on your face, and you swat teasingly at his chest, “oh stop it - will you let it go?” 

You both laugh as you share a look, letting the laughter wane into a shared smile.

You roll over onto his chest, reaching out a hand to tuck back a stray silver curl. Your hand traces his cheek as it retreats, thumb tracing his cheekbone. The warmth that had gathered in his face a mere moment ago as he came undone, panting in the crook of your neck, had started to give in to his usual icy coldness again. As your hand reaches his chin, he captures it swiftly before its escape, placing soft kisses along your knuckles. 

You nuzzle into his chest, closing your eyes, basking in his tender caress. 

The two of you had spent many afternoons laying around like this on a bedroll or bed, whatever option would present itself on the road; limbs entangled and lips peppering kisses as you caught your breaths, or Astarion, head resting against the headboard with you curled up to his side, reading out passages from some trashy Drizzt Do’Urden novel you had found in the shops. 

You would be quite content, you think, to spend many more afternoons like this. 

“My love,” he whispers, tilting his head to the side, sharing the most tender of looks as you meet his gaze. He places your hand that he had been kissing on his chest, where his heart would be, and cups your cheek with the other. He mirrors your own affections, brushing your cheek with his thumb. 

“Hm?’’ a soft smile tugs at your lips, as you consider how the piercing rubies that were his eyes could melt into something so soft and gentle when he was with you. 

He covers your hand that still lays on his chest with his own, giving it a squeeze. “These last six months with you,” he says softly, carefully selecting his words. “These six months that we have shared, have been the counterweight to two hundred years of misery.”

A silence passes.

“Astarion…” your voice is barely a whisper, as the gravity of his words settles in. How all the words, laughter and touches you had shared, the pushing and pulling of figuring out how to be together, how the cumulation of it all could make up for the unimaginable pain that he had had to suffer. You think that right then and there, you could simply melt into his very being, wanting to envelop him whole.

Tears prick at the corners of your eyes as you fear that you could never gather the right words and arrange them in a way that would express how much love for him burned within you at this very moment - not in the way he had just done. So, instead, you pull yourself up to his face, bury a hand in his hair at the back of his neck, and kiss him. Once, twice, until you lose count. A kiss for every word you could not find, some soft and gentle and others desperate between furtive glances through half-lidded eyes. His hands travel across your back and waist, and for a moment you feel like you don't know where the boundaries of your beings lie. 

You pull back at last, though you do not go far, your noses still touching.

“Do you remember my promise?”, you whisper. 

He smiles and nods, “you will kiss me under the sun again.” 

His hand returns to cup your cheek, swiping away the tear that had threatened to spill before.

You lean into his touch, making a pledge with a smile, “I’ll fight the gods for that if I have to, you know.”

You know he does not lie when he speaks, “I’ll be right there with you, my love.”

---

Note: I've just had this in my head ever since the epilogue launched because OH MY GOD i do not even have the words Tav is quite literally just me in this because what do you say to that??? Its just such a poignant declaration; for Tav to represent so much love and joy to him i just esahjfajksdhjfkah. I haven't written anything in years but here I am, the elf has drawn me out of my slumber. It's also 5 am so apologies for mistakes I may or may not correct them

Answering some asks about the dad Murase lives AU under the cut because you are forcing me to think about what I've created (❤)

@inkingkitsune

Murase had to know about N's less-than-savoury work. He was hired as a security guard (thanks to his brother) for a military facility for which he was told to kill any trespassers on sight. And his brother had been legally dead for a decade! But the main difference between the two brothers is that while N will still do horrors in the name of his job, Murase has spent his life after the war trying to help people to atone for what he had to do to survive. I think having to face concrete proof of what his brother did/does, especially without the immediate pressure of war and survival to "justify" his actions, to a kid he's grown somewhat attached to? That would be really hard on him.

-

Frankly I had never heard of that theory before, and after considering it, I can't agree with it. The government has expressed barely any interest in Chuuya, N seems to have acted on his own. The PM has so many ability users, and abilities are so unknown to the general public, with or without Chuuya, it was an important move to make, and there was no normal legal way of getting it.

As for Oda... I fear he's going to suffer the same fate. In another post I did wonder if Mori would try to be more careful with Dazai, since we know he was very careful to nurture Chuuya's loyalty and bond to the mafia. But after thinking about it, while Mori felt bitter after Dark Era (please read the light novel), he says he would still do it because the permit was so important to get. Chuuya going away here wasn't his fault, so I see no reason he wouldn't do things especially differently. Maybe he'd feel even more bitter though.

-

If Oda dies the same way... it's a fun question. Dazai would leave, Dazai would still refuse to work for the government, so his options are limited. I can't imagine Chuuya leaving at 16, join the ADA, and the mafia not knowing a thing about it? So what would Dazai do? Chuuya left and joined a group and now that group is his only option in Yokohama. If he wants to join them, he'll still have to wait two years for his records to be erased and hidden. And he knows Chuuya is gonna be there, and he knows him!! How frustrating and stressful is that wait going to be?

I'd like Chuuya to be gone when Dazai first joins, so Entrance Exam can still take place in a similar way. Maybe he accompanied Ranpo on his contract out of town? I do wonder if he'd confront Dazai publicly or in private... I'm still not sure how much he told the ADA about his own origins.

-

I've decided that Chuuya leaves after the Dragon Head Conflict (after loosing a second set of friends in the same year), because this time, he has someone waiting for him to offer him an out. And this is interesting from a skk point of view. At that point, Dazai has already met both Oda and Ango, and technically, Double Black has made a name of themselves. Chuuya would be leaving at the creation/peak of Double Black, barely giving it enough time to get their name. But all that we know (so far) of what they were up to as teenagers has happened already! And Dazai has met Oda and Ango, he has a support system now! They'll be fine. Well, as fine as their canon counterparts anyway.

This is also funny because their "history" is less than two years of absolute hell, then a 5/6-year gap, and suddenly they're coworkers again.

-

Honestly I don't know if Murase would have an opportunity to see it or its repercussions? I doubt he saw Chuuya directly after Verlaine (you know, mafia and all that), and I think Chuuya would be the one to seek him out after the DHC. I truly think you could count the amount of times Corruption was maybe used by Double Black in canon back then on one hand, and in this AU, it's literally only twice. Unless Asagiri planned for another big event and hasn't told us yet, I don't think Chuuya has had to use Corruption again in this AU until Lovecraft.

MAYBE someone would notify Chuuya's dad guardian that his son charge was badly injured, but with Yosano in the room, I doubt it would make it back to him. Same thing with Dead Apple. Murase lives in a blessed world where he knows Chuuya's powerful, but doesn't know the extent of it.

Have a lil' doodle for making it all the way down here! (it's Chuuya's first week or something)

Supposedly, people with Anphantasia don't get scared reading scary stories, or at least not much. Is that true with you if you ever read Horror?

You know, I'd never thought about it, but I suppose it is. To an extent, anyway.

Follows a discussion of my relationship to horror prose and media; if you don't know what aphantasia is, as many people coming to this tumblr don't, I have a tag for it here that may help -- it's basically the lack of a "mind's eye", a visual imagination, so I hear/read things and don't see an image of them in my mind. If you are scoffing right now that nobody actually has a mind's eye, congratulations, you may also have aphantasia. The articles linked in the tag will be useful to you.

I have definitely been scared by prose before but it's very rare, and not much since I was a child, when the stories I found scary were preying on fears I already had. I loved the Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark books, and I think it's not unusual that I found the illustrations more frightening than the prose, but the only story that ever scared me was the one about the vampire who kept trying to grab a kid through a window -- because I had a window over my bed in my childhood bedroom and I was terrified I'd look up to see someone looking down at me through it. Likewise, as an adult, the only content in horror I find scary is what I think of as "mind horror" -- the loss of faculty or the loss of awareness of faculty (think the end scene of the novel Hannibal with the brain). Which is one of my biggest fears.

I don't read much horror because generally I get bored, which has in the past made me feel faintly appalled at myself, but which now makes more sense. Certainly I have no interest in slasher-style gore in prose, because I find it uninteresting and it goes on a really long time, while I don't watch it in movies/TV because the visual is upsetting -- so if I was getting the visual from the prose I might react more emotionally. I am a fan of Stephen King but mostly his early work where he was shorter on suspense, and I was reading it because I liked the ideas and the characters. Carrie is super interesting because of the personalities involved, not because of the violence or the horror aspects. But I've never seen a movie adaptation and I can imagine I would be deeply unsettled if not distraught by certain scenes if depicted visually. Although I didn't find the Hannibal TV series super upsetting (I mostly was put off by how bad I imagined Will smelled) so perhaps body horror just doesn't do it for me.

This may also explain my hard-no on zombie media, because I'm not scared at all of zombies, I just find them boring and gross, and that leaves the post-apocalyptic humans. My hard-no on post-apocalypse anything is an aversion to imagining the end of my world, though, which isn't visual, it's conceptual, and not scary, just upsetting.

Like, people kept suggesting Zombies Run! to me when I was taking up running and -- well, one, I needed the music to keep my pace, I didn't want it interrupted. But two, I didn't see why a bunch of random groaning noises would make me run faster. If you could see zombies chasing you in your head, yeah, that'd probably be more motivating.

It kind of explains too why I haven't written much horror. I used to be very curious about how people worked out what's "scary" in horror prose and I guess part of the curiosity came from not experiencing it myself. It's tough to know how to write a scary story when stories don't scare you.

To be clear, I definitely experience fear. Reading Stephen King's "It" didn't really scare me, but there were scary moments in the film adaptations. I startle at jumpscares. There's plenty of stuff in real life that I'm scared of. And even podcasts -- I don't get mental images during podcasts like apparently most people do, but Magnus Archives got me with the "digging into your pre-existing fears" thing once or twice, and while I didn't finish The Left Right Game (I just got bored) the hitchhiker scene definitely got me. But I think, unless it's playing on something conceptual that already existed, yeah, I don't find prose particularly frightening.

Huh. This feels like the kind of thing that could have a significant impact on my creative output if I could crowbar my way into it. Knowing that I as an aphantic don't need descriptions that other people do has already, I think, impacted my editing process, but this feels like it maybe would somehow have an effect on the whole thing -- the fact that I don't experience emotions when reading in the same way other people do because I don't get the visuals is something to meditate on.

How the fuck did I ever even become a writer. Like what's up with that.

(Ironically it was X-Files fanfic. X-Files, a show that very much did scare me, for which I wrote and read a lot of fanfic, none of which did...yikes. Well, that's something to meditate on for the weekend.)

Note: I've decided to tell this in a partial epistolary manner. Some scenes will be told through letters and such. Others through plain old story telling in my usual style. I've never done this before, but the prompt really took ahold of my imagination.

TW: referenced cult, parasites, hunger, fear of death, human whumpee, vampire caretaker

Dear Rahab,

Well, I've finally done it. I'm sure you'll be very relieved that I found a place to stay, given that Rosemonda or one of her loyal servants doesn't find this letter. I hope you burn it as soon as you're done reading. I know you aren't allowed to have a phone, and I still haven't gotten one, so the letters will have to work for right now.

Before you read this next part, I want you to remember that I love you dearly. Horrible start, I know. But I'm your little brother. Do you really expect anything better from me after all these years?

The man who's letting me live with him is a vampire. That's the kicker. I know you must be horrified, but it's a decent enough arrangement. His name is Ishtar. A funny name, isn't it? Belongs to a woman. I asked him about that. He acted all prickly and told me in no uncertain terms to shut my trap.

But that's all besides the point. Ishtar found me stumbling through the woods. Can't you picture it, Rae? Your dear brother, half dead, covered in leeches and ticks from marching through a swamp, chilled to the bone, I could go on. Then this vampire finds me. I start saying my prayers, because G-d knows I haven't lived a good life. I don't know much about the world to come, and too much about the damnation Rosemonda preached. I really thought I was going to die.

Then he starts yapping about how I'm trespassing. "Are you blind? There are clearly keep-out signs." I missed the signs, obviously. He wasn't really angry, just ticked off. Then he saw the sorry state I was in, and carried me back to his house. Yeah, he carried me, a bridal carry to be specific. You would have laughed if you had seen us. We looked like the cover of a trash romance novel, but I was too filthy to be any sort of princess.

His house is quaint. I like that word. Quaint. It sounds nice. Anyhow, no electricity. It's not like a nocturnal vampire needs light bulbs. I've had time to look around since half-way recovering, and he has a lovely garden. Oh Rae, you'll hate this part of my oh so lovely story. But I promise nothing happened. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.

Ishtar stripped me down and tossed my half conscious ass in a bath, without saying much of anything. Wrinkled his nose a lot, and I don't blame him. I can't recall exactly what I was thinking, just that I was too tired to be scared anymore. I do remember him picking off the leeches and ticks though, mostly cause he kept looking at me like he was daring me to crack an offensive joke. I sure as hell didn't.

He got me outta the bath and gave me some water. Surprisingly, he had food. That is to say, he left me in the kitchen and came back two hours later with a basket of plums and a freshly butchered duck. I made quick work of as many plums as I could fit in my mouth without choking while he cooked the duck. I think he used tumeric or something, it tasted weird but I was too starving to care after not eating for two days.

I think I must have fallen asleep. It's all so effing hazy. But I woke up in this grand bed. Nicest thing I've ever slept in. I don't know why exactly a vampire has a bed when they sleep in coffins. Or is it caskets? I don't really know the difference. Anyhow, he was just sitting there staring at me all creepy like.

Vampire eyes aren't exactly red, you know? They're reflective like a cat, all the way down to having those thin pupils. Red, orange, green, they just keep shifting when the candlelight hits at different angles. Not exactly something you want to wake up to staring at you in a darkened room.

He broke the creepy ass silence to ask me why the hell I was on his property. I told him the truth, figuring there was no way in hell a vampire was in cahoots with Rosemonda. She hates them, as you know full well. He was oddly impressed. Muttered something about heroism. I don't feel like a fucking hero. Oh, he liked my name. Kept repeating it under his breath. Real weird fellow.

Anyway, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit I begged him not to turn me away. I may have cried. Just a little. He just looked me over, silent for a few minutes, and offered me a deal. Remember what I said about how much I love you? Good. The deal went like this. He'd let me live with him and he wouldn't breathe a word if our darling cult came to call. In exchange I'd give him a healthy amount of my blood. Once the anemia from the leeches goes away, obviously.

I know, I know. I'm being stupid and reckless. My body is going to end up fertilizing his garden. Mother would be so disappointed in me. I've heard all of that from you before. Well, besides the second to last one. But close enough. I'm fine though. Still not over the anemia, so he hasn't tried to drink me. You know how low my pain tolerance is, so I hope I don't act like a coward next time he gets peckish.

He doesn't talk to me much, you know? Just lets me wander around his house and pick fruit from his garden to eat. I haven't admitted that I know nothing about butchering yet, despite the meat cravings. I don't see how you went vegetarian. I would kill for some bacon.

Sorry, I know I shouldn't be joking so much. But I'm not sure what to say. A lot has happened, but I'm safer than I've been in years. I have food in my stomach and don't have to listen to sermons to get it. If you want me to rescue you at any time, just say the word. I'll whisk you here when you're out proselytizing. I doubt Ishtar will mind. I mean, you're my sister.

I'll cut this letter short. I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here. I hope you're doing enough proselytizing for Rosemonda to give you good meals and a blanket to sleep in. I know I'm repeating myself, but I need to say it one more time. Just in case. I love you.

Sincerely yours, Mordecai

Taglist: @hugh-lauries-bald-spot @devourerofcheesecake @thedarkmongoose @whumpsday @whumpshaped @heavenly-whumper

I'm Publishing Serial Webnovels

Hi guys! I'm @elvensemi, and some of you might know me from writing Dragon Age fanfic Keeping Secrets, or from writing weird gargoyle porn with @unpretty, or from that time I accidentally told a popular blog I write dragon porn on my main blog @solitarelee, or maybe from that one fanfic where the knight with a crossdressing kink fails at slaying a dragon so hard he gets seduced!

I've graduated college, and you know what that means! Student loans Free time! And so I'm finally pursuing my long term dream and publishing serial webnovels. The short version is: ebooks, I'm publishing ebooks via Patreon to see if it works because I don't want to deal with Amazon and marketplaces. Chuck Tingle does it, kind of!

I am writing such things as!

The Problem with Faeries An urban fantasy series for fans of Holly Black, featuring faeries and a librarian who has been cursed by a witch to turn into a tiny dog at night.

Everything at Once A coming of age fantasy novel set in a post-post-apocalyptic world full of many monsters and very few humans, with a nonbinary (genderfluid) protagonist and a rotating cast of gods and monsters.

The Demon Isles An adult romance series set in the same world as Everything at Once, this one's for the monsterf*ckers. Step into the shoes of an escaped slave who's been stranded in Fantasy Australia But All The Dangerous Things Can Be Seduced.

A Place Among the Stars An adult sci-fi political space opera that is also technically just solidly omegaverse sm*t plus space dragons. That's right, one of my friends dared me to write omegaverse and I overdid it and now they're aliens! All for you my friend.

Novelizations of works that previously existed only as RPs, such as Sanctuary and The Kingdom of Aeris.

AND SO MUCH MORE.

For $5 you get access to SFW material, and for $10 you get access to that and the things that are not SFW. You can view a full summary of the serials I'm working on at tinyurl.com/SemiSerials , or click the read more.

The Demon Isles (NSFW, Second Person)

Oceanside is a world full of elves and gods, monsters and magic. You, however, a human with no magic, no martial training, and a fear of... most things. Stranded on an unfamiliar island full of monsters, you must learn to harness humanity’s true power in order to survive. The issue with that is, as far as anyone can tell, humanity’s true powers are friendship and fuckability.

The Demon Isles is a erotic, second-person monsterfucking romp through the dangerous Demon Isles. The second person character is referred to by gender neutral terminology and they/them pronouns, physical appearance left ambiguous. Sex scenes have two versions with different sets of genitalia for the main character. Tags and content warnings are available for each chapter.

The Problem with Faeries (SFW, Third Person)

The problem with faeries is that we love them. We know all the sharp and cruel ways they twist us apart and we love them with a helpless, hopeless foolishness that never fades until it destroys us.

Bree is a human living in Valesport, a small town on the east coast of the United States that functions as a secret haven for the supernatural. As a cursed human, it’s one of the safer places for her... at least, safe from other humans. Everything else Valesport has to offer remains a threat. She’s already had her run-ins with werewolves, vampires, and whatever the hell Jean Cernunnos is... so, in retrospect, she was probably due to get into trouble with the Fae.

A fan favorite finally finding a venue of publication, The Problem with Faeries is a SFW urban fantasy with a side of romance perfect for fans of Holly Black. It is third person and follows the point of view of the protagonist, Bridget “Bree” Corey, as she finds herself tangled up trying to navigate faerie drama and her own personal feelings, neither of which she is particularly equipped to handle.

Everything at Once (SFW, First Person)

Babs wants everything the world has to offer... everything except what it’s actually prepared to hand over. As the eldest child of the ruling noble family--or what passes for it--of the only human village remaining old and large enough to still have a ruling noble family, even if just in name, Babs’s whole life has been laid out in front of them since the moment they were born. And they want none of it. However, after a bold escape from the village they knew all their life, they find themselves adrift in an unfriendly world of monsters and magic that seems much larger and much less friendly than they had hoped.

Everything at Once is a SFW fantasy novel set all over the world of Oceanside as our determined protagonist, Babs, attempts to explore all there is to explore and experience all there is to experience (it is possible they have not thought this through). Babs is a non-binary, gender fluid illusionist referred to varyingly by he, she, and they pronouns based on presentation. The story is a first person mixed POV exploring a wide range of characters and topics, but always staying focused on the many transformations of the main character as they learn what it is they want... and what it is to want.

Future Projects: Projects that are in development but do not have a set release date yet.

A Place Among the Stars [Working Title] (NSFW)

A Place Among the Stars is a NSFW erotic political space opera featuring Omegaverse style aliens and also space dragons, amongst other alien races. It features two protagonists: an exiled and excommunicated Saint who once led a cult that threatened the peace and stability of his homeworld, and a mid level government official presiding over the walled ghetto where the Ab’ed keep all foreign visitors and immigrants to their planet. They quickly find themselves entangled: politically, as the Saint once again threatens the stability of the world around him--in more ways than one--and sexually, as the tension between the two reaches a fever pitch.

Sanctuary (NSFW, Third Person)

Most people would consider Ren unlucky. After all, she’s been homeless since she was a child, has no living family she knows of, and she was recently kidnapped by sex traffickers and ripped away from the city she had been living in for years. But as far as Ren is concerned, she’s the epitome of good luck: not only has she survived all the things life has thrown at her, but she’s escaped said sex traffickers and even found shelter in an abandoned, boarded up cathedral. The fact that the cathedral, undisturbed for a century or more, is home to a guardian whose only experience with the world is violently murdering intruders, well... once again, whether that’s good or bad luck is based purely on interpretation.

Sanctuary is a NSFW urban fantasy erotic romance featuring a cis female protagonist and a male (as these things go) gargoyle love interest, as well as a mix of other romantic interests (primarily M/F with some F/F or NB/F thrown in). Tags and content warnings are available for each chapter. This fan-favorite returns in serialized, ebook form for easy reading. Follow Ren’s journey anew from mixed perspectives as she explores the streets of Valesport and finds something she’s never had before; a place to call home.

in general, for some time i've been nurturing an idea for a fanfic, in which naruto gets a job as a gardener (or someone else) in the wealthy uchiha household. there he meets sasuke, who is well-educated, smart, handsome, but sometimes a bit sarcastic or condescending (this is by no means arrogance, it's just that sometimes he finds it amusing that naruto doesn't know famous writers or musicians, doesn't understand political stuff).

naruto, who had never before thought about his origin, upbringing, and education, begins to feel a huge gap between him and sasuke; and the worst part is that it sincerely affects him. since the central plot revolves around sasuke and naruto's relationship, one of the main (but not the only) reasons for naruto's changes and re-education is the desire to become equal to sasuke. naruto dreams of understanding his jokes, engaging in conversations, and being interesting to sasuke in return. but for now, he only feels ashamed of himself and looks at sasuke as if from "below upwards," as something unattainable.

sasuke notices these emotional struggles, but doesn't quite understand the exact reason. naruto likes him, but he always feels that there is something more behind it, something he's afraid to even say out loud. when naruto becomes too obvious in his emotions, sasuke gets scared and chooses to distance himself (again: it's not about naruto's social status, but rather about the unconventional feelings and fear of letting down his family). naruto interprets this incorrectly, and... *here you can insert any sad gay drama*

naruto doesn't give up his pursuits; he reads books, watches serious movies, meets new people, changes many jobs, each time getting better and better positions. where does all this lead? he finally understands what sasuke was talking about, what he was joking about; sometimes naruto even realizes that he doesn't agree with him on everything. he dreams of meeting him again (it's been about five years? you choose the timeframe), but not out of a malicious desire to make an impression, but just to talk, as he always dreamed.

personally, i'm not a fan of bad endings, so in my version, they meet again, gradually getting used to each other again. at first, perhaps, it's awkward because they parted on a bad note, but over time, it gets better. they cautiously learn about each other's lives, notice changes, maturity, adulthood in each other. hidden feelings burst out again with renewed strength, but they're no longer the same teenagers (okay, they were about twenty?), so they don't repeat past mistakes. they're okay and love each other.

the more i thought about this idea, the more it seemed to me that i had already seen it somewhere. there are many historical novels and movies about class division and impossible love. the answer found me today: it's damn "martin eden." the funniest thing is that i never liked this book (or jack london's work in general). but now i want to go back to this work after many years and discover something new in it. so you could say that the fanfic is partially inspired by this book, even if i didn't suspect it.

Anime lesbians that not enough people are talking about

Suruga Kanbaru (Monogatari Series)

The entire Monogatari series is quite problematic and very hard to get into, which is why not enough people talk about Kanbaru. But to my experience, at least, she's one of the more accurately written lesbian characters I've seen. She's someone who's felt isolation because of her sexuality, and who's felt that heartbreak of falling in love with a close friend. She has a discomfort with her sexuality (which I found more clear in the novels), but once she opens up to someone about it, she really talks about it. Her sexuality also isn't rigid, and she explores new avenues of it. To me, she just felt like a very real older teen girl trying to figure out herself.

Momoko Sudo (O Maidens in your Savage Season)

I feel as O Maidens as a whole isn't talked about as much as it should be, and Momoko is talked about even less. Momoko's character really captures the experience of having these feelings that don't match what you're being told is normal or what you see around you. And because of this, she can't put words to it. She's part of a literature club and reads a lot of romance, but she's never represented in any of it. I love Momoko because she feels like a real young teen girl trying to put words to all of these feelings she's having.

Kureha Tsubaki (Yurikuma Arashi)

Yurikuma Arashi is often overlooked due to its presentation (which actually ties into the commentary it's giving), and is the least appreciated of Ikuhara's works. But despite the show being quite messy, I can't help but love Kureha. The show as a whole represents how lesbian women are viewed and portrayed in Japanese society and media, and Kureha's character represents internalized homophobia, and the fear of being "openly gay". The whole series is fantastical in nature, but Kureha's feelings and story remain very true to many people's experiences, including my own.

~~~

I just wanted to share a few characters I connected with and I don't see being talked about enough. I wholeheartedly recommend checking out Yurikuma Arashi and O Maidens in your Savage Season, as they're excellent shows. As for Monogatari... I'd tread lightly and look at the content warnings! But it's still a great series.

General note: Yes, Monogatari is a horribly problematic series. It has a lot that I seriously do not like, but if you're able to get through the bad there's a whole lot of good, such as Kanbaru. So warning!

Worth The Feeling

A/n: Hi! This is my first time writing fanfiction and I will admit that the first few chapters are a little rocky, but hang in there and I promise it’s a fun little read. I tried to structure this story as a cutesy, lighthearted romance novel, and I think I found that pace later on. With some of the chapters containing adult content, I would ask that minors do not read or interact with my posts. There is explicit smut and fluff, and some intimidation in a couple of chapters. Other than that and the age gap (MC is 26, Javi is in his 40s), there are no other major trigger warnings. I also purposefully did not give the main character any physical descriptors, other than her being shorter than Javi, because I wanted whoever is reading it to be able to picture themselves. I found it too difficult to write the story from the perspective of “y/n.” I tried to choose a name that was hopefully racially ambiguous enough so anyone could connect with the character. Finally, if you do choose to read my story, thank you and happy reading! Summary: Ava Cohen is a 26-year-old production assistant working tirelessly to achieve her dream of one day becoming a film director. As hiatus from her last project comes to a close, she returns to set with Norwick Productions, whom she has worked with for the past four years. After a major fo paux on the first day of work, Ava is worried she has offended the star of this next production: Javi Gutierrez. She will soon come to realize, this couldn’t be further from the truth. When the cast and crew travel to Italy to film on location, the seriousness of what Ava is feeling becomes all too real, just as a new career opportunity lands in her lap. As tensions run high, watchful eyes set in, and her career is put at stake, can all of this be worth it in the end?

Content Warning: 18+

Chapter 1

I wonder if it's possible to drive with your eyes partially sealed shut. It should be illegal to be awake this early. 4:30am call time on the first day? I've been on more productions than I can count, though I fear this one will finally be the one to take me down. At least this morning we're on the sound stage as opposed to on sight in Italy. Maybe most 26-year-olds would be jumping at the opportunity to fly abroad with all expenses paid. But to me, the thought of being stuck on a steel tin in the sky for any amount of time is enough to make me consider throwing in the towel on this job all together. But I'm not going to think about that right now. I take a deep breath as I pull onto the lot. The first day on set is always the most chaotic. The amount of people who seem to forget how to do their jobs during hiatus grows every time we return. I can't judge of course, because I may soon be one of them. I've been with Norwick Productions since I was 22, and I'm already feeling burnt out after only four years. Granted, the burn out could be due to completing grad school homework until one in the morning, and arriving here before the sun came up. Regardless, my first stop is craft services for coffee. After I'm caffeinated and signed in, my duties pile high. As a Production Assistant, I'm given any and all tasks other employees didn't have time to complete. Sometimes the lack of time to complete the task was due to a lack of desire to complete it, which could lead to some pretty unfortunate chores for me. Picking up dry cleaning, faking tears over the phone to convince the fire department to give us a permit, walking talent's dogs, cleaning up said dog's poop, you name it. I even had to shave our leading lady's armpits. Twice. They take the "other duties as assigned" line on the job application to the extremes.

Talent is arriving in two hours and we still don't have everyone's trailer set up, so that is my first stop. The one thing I pride myself on is that despite being a major movie buff, I had an uncanny ability not to get starstruck. No matter how often their name was trending or how many awards these people have won, I always saw them as part of the crew. Was I a little rattled on my first set? Sure. But when you realize how helpless a lot of these rich actors are, the sparkle sort of wears off.

I typically never got a chance to read the script beforehand. It isn't a requirement of PAs, and in fact, we're not even allowed to see them every time. So until I have the call sheet in hand, I'm not sure who I am setting up these trailers for. And in my dazed need for coffee, I forgot to grab a call sheet (a huge no-no for PAs, but I'll blame it on last night's homework bender). From what I saw inside a few minutes ago, it looks like the first scene has something to do with the CIA. There were giant print-outs of the lettering all over the wall. For now, all I have to go off of is the CIA and the impending doom of travel to Italy in a few weeks. I finish prepping the two lead's trailers with a welcome letter, various snacks, and a copy of today's filming schedule. I check my watch: 6:00am. Still a half hour until they arrive. I tip my head back, taking in as much of my coffee as I can as I head toward the door of the trailer.

I swing the door open, and crash right into something hard. The movement sends my coffee splashing down the front of my shirt and dripping onto my shoes. "Shit." I hiss, looking down at my soaked t-shirt. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry." A sincere male voice causes my head to snap back up. In my sleep-deprivarty, I didn't connect the fact that I had crashed into a person and not a wall. The man in front of me is taking off a pair of sunglasses, a mortified expression on his face. A face that I don't recognize. He's certainly attractive, and possibly in his forties? His dark brows are pulling together in concern, his brown eyes deep with sympathy. A rush of embarrassment creeps up my cheeks as I realize that I had walked directly into his chest when I was trying to leave the trailer. I take a step back so I don't have to crane my head to look up at him. "I'm sorry, I wasn't looking." I say quietly, warmth still coating my cheeks. "You're sorry? Don't be. I wasn't looking either." He steps inside, ducking his tall frame under the door to enter. "And your poor shirt..." He gestures to my now semi-sheer t-shirt. I put my coffee down on the small table and cross my arms over my chest. "You don't have to worry about this trailer," I say, changing the subject. "I already prepped it." "Oh, uh, thank you." He looks confused now, and he starts shrugging off a backpack I didn't realize he was carrying. He tosses the bag on one of the chairs at the table. I notice he doesn't have a walkie either. He must be new, and sure to get a talking to by Lloyd if he's dumping his stuff in a talent trailer and strolling around without a walkie. "When were you hired?" I keep my tone casual, conversational. I find that I can deal with embarrassment better if I keep the other person talking. "About five months ago, I think." He starts to run his hand across the table between us, watching his own movements carefully. I get the sense that he's trying not to look at me. "Well, welcome aboard. I should warn you that the director is pretty strict about PAs walking around without walkies. Trust me, I got my ass handed to me during my first week. Super embarrassing." I roll my eyes for emphasis. He looks up at me then, his smile warm, and his tone carries a humor that I don't quite understand when he says, "Thank you. I'll keep it in mind." "No problem. Oh, and I'm Ava." I extend my hand and he takes it. His hand envelopes mine, and I realize in that moment that he is quite a bit larger than me. This realization, combined with the warmth on his palm makes me feel funny. "I'm Javi." He smiles again. "Good to meet you," I say, taking my hand back to check my watch once more. "Talent should be arriving soon so wherever you need to be, I would head over there now." I walk toward the door as I say it, taking extra care when opening the door this time. "I'm sorry again, Ava." He calls after me, his voice still just as sincere as the first time he apologized. "Don't worry about it!" I call back, closing the door behind me. I take the few steps down from the trailer, breathing a sigh of relief to be out of that moment. However, that sigh gets sucked back down my throat when I see the two words in bold on the front of the trailer I just left. Javi Gutierrez

And if my cheeks were red before, now they are maroon.

Next Chapter

Series Masterlist

@lesbiancassius' (very late) february reads

yes I will do this monthly now.

books (as it turns out, I was busy. one book)

Enter Ghost, Isabella Hammad - An actor, Sonia, returns to visit her sister Haneen in Haifa and gets caught up in playing Gertrude in a Hamlet production in the West Bank. Stellar.

short fiction & poetry

Why Don’t We Just Kill the Kid in the Omelas Hole, Isabel J. Kim - obsessed with this on title alone. It has such a feel to it in the way it moves that I envy.

Parthenogenesis, Piya Patel - horror that makes me want to peel out of my skin and/or get a hysterectomy.

Eschatology, Eve L. Ewing - poem that was circulating recently and God. Fuck, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

Ouroboros, Megan Xing - The to-do lists in this got me because I was having my little freak out before my show went up where you think you can fix everything with to-do lists. Also heavily feeling replacing ineffective psych meds with yogurt, a pickle, and two advil.

I also read Cancer Buffet by Mary Hannah Terzino and Soft Opening by Elle Nash, but I was tired and don’t remember them.

(some) articles

Who Was Barbie? (A Symposium), n+1 magazine - this cemented to me that I truly, truly do not care about Barbie or the Barbie movie and if I have to hear anything about it ever again I'm smashing a bowl on purpose

A bunch of Hera Lindsay Bird’s advice column, which is delightful.

Let’s talk about Goodreads, Nicole Brinkley. There are many days I am glad I do not want to pursue a career as solely an author of novels. Godspeed to the authors out there you're braver than I will ever be.

Saving a Life, Patricia Lockwood - my god I have got to read a Patricia Lockwood book, and also my god getting grievously ill on vacation is one of my greatest fears so this one made me a little bit crazy.

The Secret Life: On the poet Molly Brodak, Patricia Lockwood - again, my god, I need to read a Patricia Lockwood book.

A Final Checklist Before You Print up Your Play, Rick Roberts - this reminded me so much of Joshua McGuire’s Rules For Writing Libretto, which I think of a lot.

“I think the word is dignity” — Rachel Corrie’s Letters from Gaza — I don’t know what to say. Read these if you can. They’re striking.

The Sexual Status of Aeschylus’ Cassandra, Paula Debnar - I can put an academic paper here you're not the boss of me. why I opened this one I don't remember but I was fervently texting friends in the middle of a certainly unrelated class about it because I've never been normal about Kassandra and Klytemnestra and I'm not going to start now.

tv/movies

Rewatching Severance, slowly.

Rewatching Sort Of, less slowly - this is probably niche to non-Canadian readers but it is a very good show.

Watched The Prince, which was a long time coming, and then wrote a paper about it. Bless.

tbr/nightstand

in the midst of Salvage the Bones, which is of course very good

Helen of Troy: from Homer to Hollywood

I'm gonna be rereading like every play off my Shakespeare class syllabus for the final which I wish I was more excited about

BSD 107 SPOILERS

//SPOILERS!! AHHHHH!!!! I'm putting my thoughts here because I have a moot on Twitter that I don't want to spoil things for....

OK. SO. You know how Dazai is Not having a good time rn.... like bro is seeing the pearly gates. And Chuuya (who is not in control of his own body) is on his way to kill him via Fyodor's orders.

NOW, many people, including myself... ARE SO EXCITED FOR THIS SKK REUNION!!! like... so many monumental things abouta possibly happen. SUCH AS (list off the top of my head): 1. Chuuya bite Dazai vampire style and that nullifies the curse. Aha. i can imagine the edits now. (and to see that animated at some point.. ough) 2. Skk beats up Fyodor double black style ;) 3. Skk bantering that we have missed so so so much 4. Chuuya potentially faking being vampire, lifting his hat up, and looking at Dazai... "You missed me?" OR "You look like shit. Almost makes me forgive you for that stunt you pulled with the water." 5. Dazai being carried princess style by Chuuya ahhahahtg73849ewk 6. Now, what me personally wanna see.... Chuuya BOOKING it down the halls trying to get to Dazai in time. I don't think this will happen because the shock value of seeing Chuuya actually faking being vampire wouldn't be as good. BUT OH BOY AM I IMAGINING IT. 7. oh and Chuuya having his own flashbacks ab their relationship too!!

IM SO EXCITED FOR JULY YALL. EEK.

Now, I don't think Dazai is going to die. But. It a possibility that we cannot ignore.... and I've got some angst that it can cause. Like. Agh. This is the reason I'm making this post; I want to shock others with fear. Fear that I don't want to suffer through alone. NOW, MY ANGSTY LIST FOR HOW THIS SKK INTERACTION MIGHT PLAY OUT:

Fyodor calls back vampire Chuuya (Sigma situation) and he doesn't make it to Dazai in time and Dazai dies Alone. (I don't think this is going to happen at like. All. But it could! Maybe!)

Turns out Chuuya is faking being vampire, but he gets to Dazai and it's too late to do anything (poison kicks in, bro bleeds out, etc.) He dies in his arms! ^^

Chuuya is forced to activate corruption, Dazai can't save him because BROKEN LEGS and both Chuuya and Dazai die (i will stop reading bsd.

Chuuya kills Dazai as a vampire, the curse isn't nullified (FYODOR is the one who sent Chuuya there afterall) and this is when we get Really Angsty: (1) It's obvious that Chuuya and Dazai care for each other on some level, even if you don't ship them. Chuuya would be killing somebody that he cares about, and he would probably blame himself for it. Dazai is somebody that he has known for SEVEN YEARS!! That shit would HURT!! The sheep, flags, all of his subordinates that have died on the field, now Dazai. (2) NOW as for DAZAI!! If I remember correctly, Dazai says something along the lines of "Everything I want I lose" or something like that, right?? Now. Imagine this. Dazai, someone who craves death and constantly tries to commit suicide, dies. OK so what?? No. I think that Dazai very much wants to try and stay alive, it's hinted at multiple times (15 novel, his character song, a much happier life with the ADA in contrast to the mafia, etc.). Let's circle back to what I said earlier, "Everything I want I lose." Dazai goes full circle from wanting to die -> wanting to live -> dying. It hurts and it would prove what Dazai thinks/thought is right!! Everything he wants, he can't have! (Also, cherry on top. He hates pain!! He would be dying a very, very painful death. He even says that he is in a lot of pain in the chapter) OK, ONE AGAIN I DONT THINK CHUUYA OR DAZAI IS DYING!!! im sorry. lets.. focus on the positives!!! Sskk reunion yayyy! (it's also really painful to think about them)

Sorry I need to rant

I'm going to say it. Nothing is more boring than a character without agency. A character even a POV character who sits around being acted upon rather than acting of its own accord is like watching someone play with a doll. Not letting a character be a person is like bad junk food. Sure you can get an idea across but it's just chicken bone with no meat.

I know it's the point of Y/N fiction but I hate Y/N fiction. And before you say that's what I write your wrong. I have made it clear multiple times I don't write Y/N fiction. If you believe for a second that any of my Yuu characters are you then I fear you have misinterpreted everything I do. I don't even like answering asks that use Y/N because it sets up an expectation for something I can't do.

I can't write a story about a self insert. A self insert has no beliefs, personality, goals, likes, dislikes, flaws, talents, or anything a reader can identify with. They are used for a fleshed out character to interact with and show how cool, charming, and attractive they are.

I'm just expected to write out half of someone's roleplay fantasy without any consideration of what I the writer would want because I can't break the reader's fantasy. It's like a cardinal sin or something. Like how dare Yuu have personality traits that don't align with my own or hate things I like. My loves if you want my writing to perfectly match you or your characters you should write it yourself. If you want something so no descript anyone can put themselves in it then you have failed to understand a principle of writing. An everyman is not everyone's man. There will always be undeniable differences in people and there can never be a catch-all.

Perhaps I'm wrong for not even attempting to do so but in trying to identify with everyone you identify with no one.

If you watched a show about a character that waited for everyone else to do or say something just so they can agree you'd hate that character and wonder why they are even there when the show was clearly about the other characters. In which case why wouldn't the show just make it about the interesting people

If you say it doesn't matter because it's about the romance then you are out of your dululu minds. Because if your ideal romance is watching someone fall in love with a piece of cardboard with your name scribbled on it in Sharpie then have fun but don't expect me to write it for you. Ive read too many bad romance novels to know that a main character needs to be interesting.

I need characters with flaws, hopes, ideals, and conviction. I need them to be quirky with hobbies. I doesn't matter if it's not a perfect romance with no problems at all. Where's the drama? The conflict? The challenges? Where is the moment your heart stops at a line wondering what could come next? Where is the passion and desire? Where is the reader begging for more?

I'm not some kid writing "My first fanfic by me" I've been in this game longer than some have been alive. (I'm not that old though, but I'm an adult. I haven't even reached my mid-twenties) I'm in this for the love of the game but these young bloods need to step up their game. We can do better than two-dimensional Y/Ns and the accused Mary-Sue.

I've been considering exactly what it means to me to be dominant.

what exactly is it that draws me to it? which aspects of it do I enjoy more than others? I can tell that my dominance style isn't exactly the kind you see often, so it leaves me wondering.

so many dominants out there relish the ability to bend and break a submissive through tactics that are a little more forceful. exerting their power and demanding respect, relying mostly on the submissive's consent to the dynamic in order to uphold it.

obviously there's nothing wrong with this style. it appeals to quite a large audience, considering how prevalent it can be.

but I find myself taking a somewhat different approach.

I prefer using a soft touch, a gentle guiding hand, the only force lying within my words, and only to indicate through tone of voice the difference between a statement and a command.

and I'm also delving into the why of all of this, of course. always looking for the why.

why do I prefer it this way? especially since, when I have the chance to be submissive, I do also enjoy the more typical approach.

I think I may have the answer, so if you'll allow me to ramble for a little bit I'll try to explain as best as I can.

it starts with a book I was obsessed with from a young age.

my favorite novel when I was between the ages of about 9 and 13, was White Fang by Jack London.

I remember reading it over and over and over and over, devouring every line on every page, captivated by every single word, and no matter how many times I read it, I would always want to read it again.

because, you see, even though the book describes itself as a gripping tale of a wild animal desperately fighting against nature and the Wild to survive, that's not at all what I got out of it.

to me, it wasn't a story of trials and tribulations, of trauma, of abuse, but rather a story about the nature of respect.

it was a story of a wild animal, yes, but one that found itself living among humans who all have different meanings of the word respect.

his first handlers used him as a tool, as a means to get something done, respected for his usefulness, but violently beaten down at the first sign of disobedience. respect out of fear, but a respect nonetheless.

his next set of handlers turned him into a killing machine. one so effective that he was removed from the fighting ring not because he failed, but because he was too successful, too efficient of a killer to be entertaining anymore. respected out of fear, his handlers communicated in the same language of violence he faced every day in the ring.

this isn't a book report, but this brief summary is important for my point.

because my point is where our wild animal finds himself at the end.

after a lifetime of being beaten to submission, forced to respect others out of fear of punishments so violent and frequent that they no longer served as a deterrent

only for the man to finally make him submit

to finally make him obedient without fault

is the one that decides to treat this creature with kindness, and make an effort to build trust.

a gentle hand, a kind word, is all that it takes to make this lethal force of nature bend to someone else's will.

while his punishments before were usually enacted through brutal physical violence, this new handler only has to say a firm word, or give a light tap

and it's far more effective than any beating ever was.

because to be chastised by someone who is more commonly kind means more than to be beaten into submission by someone known to be aggressive.

and that's exactly the energy that I like to bring to my own style of dominance.

I may be gentle. I may not use much force, unless of course I am asked to.

but that's because I don't need to.

I don't dominate by creating fear, I do it by building trust.

of course a submissive will obey if you threaten them with punishments, because fear is an effective motivator.

but consider a submissive that obeys their dominant, not out of fear or even respect

but because they trust their dominant so completely that they know it will always be safe and fun for them to obey.

they can trust that when they submit to me, I will provide an experience that falls within the things they enjoy. that if I push a limit, that the push is all it is, and I will never actually cross the line. that even if my command seems strange, that I have a purpose for giving it at all, one that has only your best interests in mind.

because dominance, to me, isn't about the power or the authority, but in having someone trust me to handle them with care.

and that kind of trust is the highest form of respect for me.

because how can you believe someone truly respects you if they don't trust you, too?

Otherside Picnic Volume 3

Yeah yeah, I'm pretty well behind on having only just read this volume, I know. I'm slow with a lot of light novel reading because I really want to be in it, you know? I want to savor every moment and feel like I don't want to put the book down while I'm reading.

And it just happened that lately I've really been craving for the horror and fear that stems from Miyazawa's expert understanding of net and folklore horror. So imagine my surprise when I pick up the volume and see just how far Shirakaba's art has come. Sure, it was never bad by any means. But my god, this volume's illustrations are amazing. The level of detail has skyrocketed, but at the same time a more clear and personal style appears. Heavy and dark contrast, an overall feeling of weight with each piece of art. Even though they can look vastly different due to moments, the overall feel of it remains. Really, hats off in that regard, truly some outstanding art.

Of course, Miyazawa's writing withstands the shock of this incredible improvement from Shirakaba.

Their perception of horror - what comprises it and causes fear- remains absolutely expert. From the endings of the previous omnibus volume we continue the downwards spiral into Sorawo's personal hell. The types of contact, and the overall fear that arises from it are spine chilling.

Perhaps the biggest proponent is Miyazawa's ability to guide readers to answers. You can connect the dots as things go on, realize that there is something wrong, that there's a heavy feeling in your stomach and that all your hairs stand on end as your mind races to the finish line. It's such an incredible experience, where at times they don't even tell you the answer. Instead, you're left with a lingering feeling and concern for what things are and why.

Personally, it's my perfect definition of horror. Beyond us. You can come up with as many answers as you want to everything that unfolds, but for just as many things there are that Sorawo and Toriko resolve, there are just as many spine shudderingly disturbing pieces left hanging.

Of course, Otherside Picnic does like to remind readers that it's not just about disturbing and scary stuff. It's a healthy mix of characters that are poorly adjusted in the social sense (among many others), and their attempts to grope through their incredibly odd predicament. All of the characters that appear in this volume are so full. They're all hopeless and oddball versions of the more "simple" characters that they're portrayed as in the anime. They all have very glaring character issues, and present as far less perfect even in spite of how others view them. It's incredibly refreshing, and they all stumble through their interactions in an endearing and believable way that develops as the story continues.

The biggest thing from this volume though is just the sheer effort Miyazawa puts into the horror. It's not middle of the ground, on the spot horror stories they themselves come up with, but a far deeper and darker world that they draw from. Hours upon hours of historical and archival searching of books and webpages and chat forums to produce countless stories that end up interwoven and meld together into a cohesive framework to address the Ultra Blue Landscape via.

It's insane. Not only are we, as readers, attempting to understand the Otherside and its creators and/or inhabitants, Miyazawa is translating it. They're pulling from our reality, adding their own spin and twist to it, and spitting it out in the form of communication. The sheer talent to preserve the original value of the stories used, while at the same time repurposing them is incredible.

In terms of horror, I truly feel that Otherside Picnic stands comfortably separate from so much of what makes up the genre, not even just within the framework of animanga, but of modern media in general. So much of what's popular and talked about is on the absolute fringes of what horror is: that sense of dread and fear. Not 30 seconds of buildup into a single jumpscare reveal that the characters run away from. Rather, the tension building and things seeming wrong, like something is lurking around the corner and you absolutely must find out. Or that there's some terrible figure/creature staring right at you that has you frozen in place. Horror is not thriller, and Otherside Picnic continues to establish that beautifully.

Also, for the best reading experience, the anime OST is actually outstanding for furthering that fear. Plenty of songs that will put you perfectly on edge. You can find the full playlist right here.

RIP Paul Auster. Here's a short piece about a time he came into my bookstore:

For a while, I've been hearing a lot of chatter about my first humor book How Not to Read: Harnessing the Power of a Literature-Free Life. No, I don't mean that I've been reading book reviews on Goodreads or the twisted rantings of my internet stalker. I've been hearing the hype (or underwhelmed sighs) about my book firsthand. I've been listening to customers from my semi-incognito perch behind the counter of an independent bookstore.

To all writers who want to know what people really think about their work, I can't recommend working as an incognito author-bookseller enough.

With a title like How Not to Read, I expected some vitriol from customers who misunderstood the concept. I thought 18 to 35-year-olds would especially love it but for a generation defined by its penchant for irony, we sure do know how to not take a joke. For the most part, people much younger than I am are the ones most offended. I hear little children with pained, screechy voices asking their mothers: "Why would someone write this?" to which the mothers reply "I don't know sweetie," as if informing the kids about death for the first time. Another favorite is hearing a sixteen-year-old say "who would do this?" over and over with the type of outrage reserved only for political candidates who claim Barack Obama wasn't born in the United States. The answer is "I would" but I keep it to myself. I want to see how far it goes. I keep waiting for someone to impulsively tear the book to shreds. That's how mad some people sound.

But most people who read a lot, get it. They come into the store, they laugh at the cover, the very concept of a guide to helping people read less is funny! It tickles them. They flip through the book and laugh and laugh and laugh, then put the book down and promptly leave the store without buying it.

"Wait!" I yell, "What didn't sell you on this book?" (I'm careful not to reveal who I am at these moments).

"Well," the person responds, "I'm just not in the mood to laugh right now." Not in the mood… to laugh? I wouldn't want to see this person at a restaurant: the waiter comes to the table and says "How were your appetizers?" and this person responds: "you know, food just isn't my thing…" I thought everyone was in the mood to laugh, but this was one of my many misconceptions about readers before working in a bookstore.

I've been working in this store for about a year, during which time I've spent countless hours talking about my own book, trying my hardest not to tell every person who enters the store that I wrote it lest I lose my ability to observe the impartial reaction of customers. Tip to published writers, though: if you can hand your own book to a customer and say "this is my book and you should buy it," people usually do. Most of the time they buy the book because they're excited to tell people they've met you, and sometimes they buy the book because you made it very awkward for them to leave the store without doing so. Keep eye-contact. Don't show fear. Always be closing.

Deciding when and when not to be the incognito author has many humbling benefits. Though the big lesson it teaches you most first-time authors are already know: the number one review of your book won't be a petulant rant. Your number one review will be silence. People will walk in, they'll read ten pages of your book, and without so much as an indecisive "hmm" they will disregard your book forever. As Oscar Wilde said: “There is only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” I'll take the petulant rant any day over nothing.

At the risk of this essay becoming like If on a winter’s night a traveler, the more I sell my book in secret, the more my real life mimics a Paul Auster-y meta-literary detective novel where I keep spying on people to figure out who will like the author (me) the most. It keeps getting weirder and weirder. People who have read the book now come in quoting a particular joke they didn’t like, then stand staring at me without laughing. I laugh uncomfortably to break the tension, but they refuse to crack a smile. Sometimes, I picture the future author version of me walking into the store while Current Dan is working as a bookseller. I see Future Me looking at the book nostalgically and saying “eh, this wasn’t my best!” then leaving me behind the counter alone to cope with what just happened.

The closest story I have to this Auster-esque fantasy is when the real-life Paul Auster came into the store the day of the book’s release. He leaned on the counter, aviators still on, and said: "How Not to Read, huh?" He was laughing! Laughing at the very idea of my book’s existence. Paul Auster gets it.

I took a sharp breath in. The owners of the store were so excited about my book that they gave me the entire front window for a day to promote the book. The same bright red cover in 8 by 8 rows and columns. I was suddenly embarrassed that I had published a book at all, and frightened that my literary hero might actually page through it in front of me. 

Then I remembered I had something to tell him.

“Paul!” I watched as he took off his sunglasses. I had his full attention. “I originally had a section in this book that parodied the New York Trilogy, and you yourself were in it," I said excitedly. Then, before I could stop myself, I saw the words pour out of my mouth while my brain screamed ‘DAN. Don’t!’ I let this out:

“The editor suggested we cut it because no one would get the reference."

I watched Paul grimace. He pushed himself off the counter and put his aviators back on. “And that's why you never listen to editors!" he announced before abruptly walking out the door.

If I have any advice for a writer, it is this: spend ten years as an editor for other people while you work on your own stuff. You’ll get used to looking at words on paper as malleable and in need of repair. Maybe after a decade of cold perusals through the work of a stranger, you'll be able to whittle down your own work into a readable form. After that, spend another decade selling your published books in person at an indie bookstore. Twenty years in, you won't take anything personally. You'll be so used to rejection and snide comments, you’ll be impervious to criticism.

My only other advice is if you meet your hero during any stage of your literary development, don’t tell him he was cut from your book because he isn’t famous enough.

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besides bungo stray dogs, can u rcm me some manga having thought-provoking theme like that

ABSOLUTELY I CAN!! here are some manga, book and movie recs for you, cause I couldn't help myself :>

MANGA RECS:

1: The Case Study of Vanitas (Vanitas no Carte)

I knowww it's a cliche that BSD fans must also enjoy VNC, but it's genuinely just AHH so good!! it currently sits at 62.5 chapters (10 volumes & 9 uncollected chapters) and it has a 2-season anime adaptation. it's the second manga series by Jun Mochizuki, who's also well-known for her series Pandora Hearts, and is still ongoing.

set in 19th-century France, our story begins with Noe, a young vampire, who's excitedly travelling to Paris for the first time. in his travels, he encounters the strange and enigmatic Vanitas, a human who somehow possesses the power of the Vampire of the Blue Moon- a feared being shunned by the rest of the vampire world.

we learn from the very beginning that Noe is recounting this story to us, and that he kills Vanitas with his own hands- but why? how? nobody knows, but we're bound to find out!

2. Attack on Titan

I doubt anyone was expecting me to mention this one, because it has quite a reputation for being gore-filled and action-packed, but when I say this literally changed my life I'm really not kidding (I wouldn't have this blog or be into anime at all if not for AOT!). it's a completed story, with a four-season anime (including 3 OVA episodes) and 139 manga chapters (in the main storyline; there are multiple spin-offs and 2 bonus mangas/light novels).

many years ago, the final remnants of humanity were forced to flee into a city surrounded by three giant walls. these walls are the only things keeping humanity from perishing at the hand of the titans, giant humanoid figures who hunt and eat them. but a young boy, Eren, wants nothing more than to see the world beyond the wall- until a titan taller than their walls breaks into the city, throwing humanity (and Eren's life) into disarray.

though it's true that a large chunk of this animanga is action, the lore is incredible. I can't say too much without spoiling, but the thought-provoking aspects aren't talked about nearly as much as I think they should be. once you've finished watching or reading, I highly recommend you watch this video, which is one of my favourite video essays of all time!

BOOK RECS:

1. Slaughterhouse Five

this is one of my favourite books of all time, and it's only 177 pages, so it's a super quick read! not only is it severely anti-war, but it's deeply though-provoking. I think about it every day. I quote it regularly. I'd recommend it to anyone and everyone, especially now, with everything happening in the world.

I honestly don't have words for how much I love it, so here's the synopsis on Goodreads:

Prisoner of war, optometrist, time-traveller - these are the life roles of Billy Pilgrim, hero of this miraculously moving, bitter and funny story of innocence faced with apocalypse. Slaughterhouse 5 is one of the world's great anti-war books. Centring on the infamous fire-bombing of Dresden in the Second World War, Billy Pilgrim's odyssey through time reflects the journey of our own fractured lives as we search for meaning in what we are afraid to know.

2. No Longer Human

there are so many editions of this, and I would recommend all of them- this is my other favourite book of all time, by the way. I may be barking up the wrong tree when I tell a BSD fan to read Dazai, one of the most accessible and relatable Japanese authors for a Western audience, but hey, I've got to remind you just in case you haven't given it a shot.

No Longer Human follows the life of Yozo Oba, a boy born into a big rich family, who constantly feels at-odds with the world around him. it's an exploration of mental illness, social isolation, self-expression, and compassion. I actually have an entire youtube video talking about it and how BSD-Dazai reflects Yozo as much as irl-Dazai, and it's my pride and joy so please go watch it!

MOVIE RECS:

Okay, I only have one rec for you, but this movie haunts me (in the best way possible):

Forgotten (기억의 밤)

I really need more people to watch this actually because holy shit it was amazing and nobody talks about it!! WATCH IT!!! PLEASE!!!!

Jinseok watches his brother get kidnapped right before his eyes, and it powerless to do anything. 19 days later, he returns, and... something is different about him. Jinseok is determined to uncover the mystery surrounding his kidnapping.

the twists in this are actually insane. I can't tell you anything aside from the synopsis without spoiling major plot points. if you only take one recommendation I bed you to take this one.

okay that's all bye!!