#I'm just trying to make friends irl
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man I wish people understood how much it sucks ass to be neurodivergent and trying to find the middle ground where people like/tolerate you. like, I'm either "boring" (trying to wait my turn in conversations, holding space for other people, taking a back seat to let others get some spotlight) or "too much" (too loud/talking too much, getting excited to share, trying to participate in group conversations/activities). No one really talks about how much of being neurodivergent is just sort of trying to make yourself palatable.
I feel like so much of my life has been spent trying to find this effortless sort of middle ground everyone else seems to automatically already know, and I'm always swinging too far one way or the other. I'm lucky to have neurodivergent friends who grok me, but goddamn I wish that I could just like, exist without the constant background script in my brain that's like "you're being too loud. You're not talking enough. you're being self-centered. you're being boring. you're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong." I feel like I'm back in high school trying to make friends but stuck as the eternal "weird kid"
it's just... lonely and sucks bad.
#I'm fine#just had a sort of blegh night with some people I'm playing dnd with#not a big deal but man the way I interact with neurodivergent people vs neurotypical people is like speaking two languages#except I'm only fluent in one of them and keep accidentally insulting people in the other#I'm just trying to make friends irl#flux's bullshuit#neurodivergent#autism#adhd#audhd#audhd things#audhd problems
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Today was a good day :)
#Today three strangers were kind to me in three different occasions. It was such a nice coincidence :)#I've been working on Akutagawa's birthday the entire week and today Akutagawa posts were all over my dash. I'm so happy!#I managed to do all the edits I had set up to and I'm glad :)#I dressed rigorously black and white and wore the black striped pants I bought because they reminded me of Beast Akutagawa's outfit#I did my nails black and red!!#My mother called me to congratulate on Akutagawa's birthday#I even baked a cake with a friend and they were so sweet /////#I'm so grateful they managed to make time for it even though they've been so busy and tired because of their job#More than everything I'm grateful they weren't weird about it#They found it a little silly but they never made fun of me. They helped me pick the cake.#And today they even told me that they looked up a video of the character to understand me better#Which TERRIFIES me because no way anyone could get a good impression of Akutagawa from a single video#But if we ignore that it was an unbelievably nice gesture :')#It's just such a foreign feeling because outside of my blog I NEVER talk about my hyperfixations irl.#Because when I used to when I was younger I was only met with scorn or mockery so ever since I started university I simply learnt not to?#And it's just so genuinely weird to talk with someone irl who wouldn't judge me for it–#and not really in the good way because part of me is still convinced that they *are* judging me for it.#Doesn't matter everything suggests the contrary. And I keep overthinking if I overshared about Akutagawa or if I said something dumb#But I'm trying it not to get to me. Today they've been nothing but nice through and through#Whatnot. The last months were very tough for some reason I'm just happy good things can still happen :)#I want to start the queue again now that I'm generally more free and done with Aktgw's birthday and everything.#I also have new exams the first days of April and the program is pretty heavy and wide. On top of following courses. I'll see what I can d#I'd like to start regularly posting again because I'm afraid if I don't I'll just sulk further in misery. We'll see.#Ah I need to catch up with the dash since I've basically not been on Tumblr for three days...#That's it just rambling. I hope everyone's days are nice too!!!#random rambles
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Drew some bees for a friend of my aunt - he wants a friendly and cartoony bee with a honeycomb and a drop of honey for a candy he's selling, apparently! :33
#irl#my art#bumblebee#bees#its my first time trying to draw a bee tbh#they're very cute and i especially like their funky little beaks where their proboscis comes out#i kinda doubt he's gonna decide to use my art tho tbh but i think they're cute so I'm posting them here anyways#i haven't drawn anything in a while either so this was kinda nice to do even if it was also a bit frustrating#then again the reason it was frustrating was cause my aunt is acting as our in-between and her friend seems to have a very specific idea of#what exactly it is that he wants and not talking to him directly to figure that out is kinda not working#I also think he got a bit confused on the difference between horizontal and vertical because I drew the horizontal one first#and part of his feedback was that he wanted it horizontal and in flying motion so???#anyways it's not like he's paying me so if the second one isn't what he's looking for I'm calling it quits#my aunt did actually offer to pay me for it but I don't wanna take any money from her since she's not the client - it feels wrong#she's just trying to do a friend a favor by introducing him to an artist ya know???#...also low-key don't feel like this (my art) is worth actual real world money so ehhhh...#ANYWAYS!!! Look!!! Cute bees!!!#EDIT I have been offered like $30 but it is still on the table kinda since I'm not willing to make anymore changes asdfghjkll#$30....for bee??? Little bee drawing??? May have to delete/take this down if indeed $30 for little bee drawing...
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they shouldn't let me stay up past midnight bc then I start identifying every single problem I've ever had. No solutions found. Net zero personal progress and 0.5 hours of sleep are achieved
#ramblings of a lunatic#ignore me I'm having a moment#actually wait that's one of the problems we (the brain council) identified. is my need to not have problems where ppl can see#oh very problematic of my brain. not a fan#look i just got out on christmas break for college the term is catching up to me#i didn't make any real friends and it's not that I'm surprised..but yeah I'm surprised. i forgot about My Whole Deal somehow#like girl do the math. 7 yrs to make A FRIEND. SINGULAR. came pre packaged w/ 2 friends but took you 4 more years to make another one-#-independtly. straight up did not understand friendship and human relationships until you were at least 16#did we honestly think we were gonna knock it out of the park in terms of socialising this first term???? did we????#wishful thinking ig#oughh. college...bad. or not bad but. strange. and lonely. and yeah kinda bad#existentially horrifying in ways i didn't even realise were possible. i get why so many tma fans were college students/grads now#college just irl cosmic horror#anyway. i think i should try and sleep now lest the brain demons get the better of me#but also I've gotten like. 4 hours of sleep total over the last 6 days- not for lack of trying mind you#so like. I'm anticipating a struggle.
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-Hey, dear Mike! <3
@manpleblog
#I know he might not like it because I'm doing an art with “mike/manple(the creator)” and not with “c!manple” AGAIN but..#I had already prepared this art before and I really wanted to post it because I don't have so much else to do and..#that maybe it will take me a while to make c!melple and anyways- I'm so sorry for making “manple” and not “c!manple” again..#I'm trying not to do that anymore but.. it's just that it's a little difficult for me.#I like him the way he is in irl and... he is just so beautiful-#but I will try to not do that so often anymore! I promise I will try!#I'm so sorry again.. just hope he like it <3..#hey dear mike!!!#hey mike!!!#mike manple#manple the silly#manple creator#manple#not my oc#my friend oc#my friend <3#my friend/platonic silly#lgbt art#lgbtq community#lgbt pride#agender pride#agender#lesbian#lesbian pride#demiaroace#i'm mel and this is my blog✌️#art mel#my art#chibi art#art
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I feel Andy is the kind of person who doesn't seek to interact with children, but they go to him spontaneously.
Like, he has no idea of how to talk with a kid, but they like him and he has no explanation for that.
And then Kyle mocks him like " You are good with children! " and he is like ". No i'm not! They just follow me and tell me stuff I never asked and try to invite me into their games."
#andy barclay#andy barclay headcanon#( this also happens to me#kids follow me for no damn reason#my irl best friend's little nephew who never bonds with any of her other friends even when they try#was asking me to play football with him five minutes after meeting me#every adult in that party was shocked#i go shopping with my mom and the little daughter of the store attendant proceeds to start showing me all her toys#kids seem to like me and i do literally nothing to make them like me#I'm just existing nearby and they suddenly want to befriend me )
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#sometimes I wish drawing wasn't such a lonely activity#am in a bit of a social mood but can't find anything to socialize about#i also wish I didn't need to spend ALL DAY trying to prep my brain to try to draw; despite it being something I wanna do and enjoy#why must i have executive dysfunction over my hobbies#this is why it takes me one million years to something I can actually get done in a few days at most#i'm so incredibly frustrated and it's super depressing and bumming me out#it's just so frustrating and i'm so irritated at myself#i know it's shark week so maybe it's why i'm a bit of a mess; but usually it doesn't affect me during the time so idk#also i love how every night I get to deal with the crippling dread and lowkey anxiety attacks bc everything i'm avoiding/afraid of and it-#- keeps festering in my mind and makes me avoid sleep for as long as possible and i'm stuck in an eternal negative feedback loop#i can't even do the thing i enjoy bc my brain is making it hard for me#not to mention that I constantly get those thoughts about how i'm never getting anywhere in life and i am in fact; ALONE#no irl friends or family and it still scares me to think about how worse things will get in the future for me.#not to mention not having a career or being capable of doing any kind of secondary schooling makes the dread even worse#but again frustrated and i can't even apply positive activities like how I'd usually do; not to mention i'm just always mad at myself about#-everything lmao#stupid brain just let me enjoy me hobby bc i wanna do it and you're not letting me and it's making me feel worse#delete later probably idk lmao
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How many Kevin enthusiasts actually are there on this website? Cuz there's like 5 of yall I consistently see in my notes on Kevin posts, but I'm kinda curious what the actual head count is
#honkai impact#kevin kaslana#theres like two of you i know by username#I'm mostly curious because theres more Kevin stuff I want to make#but that shit takes time#and a month or so ago I spent well over 20 hours on a Kevin drawing and only like 10 people saw it#3 of which were irl friends i forced to reblog my work#and it was kinda discouraging#sometimes kevin posts get like 400 notes and others they get 2#so I'm trying to see if theres an actual market here of kevin enjoyers#cuz if there isnt ill probably just take my kevin ideas and turn it into an oc#actually just realized and i was typing this that Kevin and my main oc Ashe have a fair amount in common :/#coincidence or do I just have a type of character I'm drawn to
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Csptaineer art request 5. admiring them from afar
dear anon, I know you asked for art but I had intended these as writing prompts! however!! I may doodle something for this later anyway, because it's cute :3
and still, never do we tire of watching stars glow
head engineer mark x reader (the captain) | words: 877
For as long as you'd known him, he'd always had a certain look of awe about him when it came to space:
When you were kids, huddled up in blankets watching a documentary about The Solar System while you shared a bowl of cookies.
And as teens, laying side by side in the dry summer grass, gazing up at the stars dotting the sky, laughing and pointing out constellations and making up stories about what it would be like when you got to be among them.
And as cadets, the first time you voyaged beyond Earth's atmosphere.
Now the Captain of a ship he'd built from the ground up, it took you by surprise when you looked up from your data tablet one day to see him gazing at you with that same look of wistfulness and wonder.
His expression lasted for the briefest moment before he registered that you'd seen him, eyes widening and cheeks flushing almost imperceptibly from this distance. He immediately averted his gaze to anywhere but yours, busying himself with whatever he could.
You let out an amused huff, an incredulous yet flattered smile tugging at the corners of your lips.
It was far from the first time you'd caught someone giving you a starstruck or near-mesmerised look, especially within your own crew. But for him to be the one staring like that? The same admiration and fascination that you'd seen in his eyes when he beheld an eclipse, or a meteor shower, or your new home planet, directed at you…?
You couldn't deny the small flutter in your stomach, or your heartbeat slightly quickening its pace.
You brushed off the thought and continued working, but from then on you couldn't help but keep noticing the awe and longing when he looked at you, whether it be from across a room or in conversation. It made you wonder if this was a recent phenomenon, or if you had simply been blind to it for a long time.
It was one of those moments of catching his warm, starlit gaze in which you were caught off-guard once again.
You met his eyes with the same intensity once you realised he was watching you, raising your eyebrows slightly to get his attention. He looked embarrassed and a little taken aback, as he always did in such scenarios, and you could practically see the gears turning in his head as he decided whether or not to abandon ship. Instead, his mouth curved into a smile that crinkled his eyes with fondness, followed by a quick wink.
Now it was your turn to look surprised.
It's not that the gesture was out of character or that he couldn't be bold when he wanted to. You just hadn't expected it now.
Later, you found it in you to be direct.
‘What's with all the staring lately, Mark?’
His eyes widened at the question. It wasn't particularly like you to be so upfront about something like this.
You watched as your head engineer’s expression turned apologetic and a little guilty, like he'd been caught red-handed.
‘Uhh- I'm sorry. Am I in trouble, Captain?’
You giggled quietly. ‘Nah. I never said I minded, just wondering…’
He visibly relaxed at your response.
‘Oh, well in that case. To be honest, Cap, it's sorta hard to look away sometimes.’
You felt your face flush at this, but were given no pause to utter a reply even if you’d had the words; he continued quickly, as if just realising what he'd said aloud and in the same moment deciding to fully commit to speaking his mind, before he could let himself back out.
‘I just- I love seeing you doing your job, you look so happy and assured. And proud — of everyone you work with, proud that you're part of the team. You're always so willing to help out and listen to what everyone needs. And watching you take command of a situation- You just– you have this aura that screams that you belong here, this is what you were meant to do, and you have a positive effect on everybody around you. We're so lucky and grateful to have you as our Captain.’
And here you are, stunned into silence for a moment.
He stands there, trying to gauge your reaction, a little flustered himself but steadfast in his confession.
You feel a little giddy, but take a breath to soothe your racing heart, finally composing yourself again as the smile you can no longer hold back paints your face.
‘Thank you, Mark. That's… that's really sweet.’
He grins. ‘Just being honest.’
‘And I feel exactly the same about you, by the way.’
He tilts his head in confusion.
‘Watching you in action, it's the same.’
You can see it in his eyes when it clicks.
‘Wait, Captain, are you saying you-’
‘Almost as much as you,’ you chuckle. ‘Except I don't get caught. You could definitely use some improvement in that area.’
He looks away, smile becoming sheepish, the tint on his cheeks you are sure matches yours from only moments ago.
‘But… like I said,’ you speak up again, drawing his attention back to you. ‘I don't really mind. It is kinda cute seeing your reaction when I catch you.’
#I'm sorry this took a lot longer than I was planning#at first I was just struggling then when I got into it stuff was happening irl and I was too busy😩#but anyway I hope you enjoy!#hope this doesn't read as too ooc or anything😬 I just want super sweet fluff rn#maybe I am just overthinking but lmk what you think y'all think#as always reading your comments makes my entire day or week even#ALSO CHILDHOOD FRIENDS CAPTAINEER WOOO#I AM SUCH A SUCKER FOR THE TROPE#AND I THINK ABOUT MARK AND THE CAPTAIN AS KIDS ALL THE TIME LIKE WAY TOO MUCH#also about the title bc I was feeling a little poetic :0 just think.#humanity has been gazing at the same stars for eons#and yet we still do it#we don't ever get bored#maybe some like to more than others but#I think it's fair to say that it's a pretty universally shared and agreed upon idea that stars are beautiful#and looking at them is nice#and we probably won't stop any time soon#I think that's a nice sentiment :) and it literally just came to me as I was trying to think of a title#amee writes#blooming romance prompts#asks#anonymous#iswm#in space with markiplier#captaineer#engineer mark x captain#engineer mark x reader#head engineer mark x reader#head engineer mark#engineer!mark
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#once again I'm overwhelmed by feeling that I'm completely invisible everywhere#irl life and online#I just feel like I try to wave and do little something to be noticed anywhere#but no one either doesn't or doesn't want to see or hear#makes me wonder why do I even bother trying anything#yeah yeah probably partially it's my depression talking#but it's also my truth#society has shown me what it thinks of my worth and I feel so isolated#even the fact that I have a few great friends doesn't change it#and I feel like I'm drowning with all of my troubles and problems and feeling worthless#Emptiness rambles#just whispering to the void
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(Biphobia anon) but then I realize that by saying "people who are vocal about disliking these ships are biphobic" i'm definitely following the same flawed logic (twisting likes and dislikes into an ethical debate). So yeah I'll try my best to embrace complexity and ambiguity in characters and media and accept people will have wildly differing readings of the same text 😌😌 sorry for sending you deranged anons with my stream of consciousness like im phoning into a local radio station
i actually don't think your other anon went through! but assuming it was about how people don't think luz is queer enough if she dates a boy..... yeah, it's not my favorite thing either. and in my experience it really just comes back to ship wars and feeling Threatened.
like, the reason i like amity/luz/hunter so much is because the three of them have SO MANY relationship parallels, it compels me eternally. and the way i think about them as a triad is way more in line with romantic shipping than nuclear family sibling constructs, even when i'm writing hunter as strictly platonic with both of them.
so i end up having more in common with monogamous luz/hunter shippers than monogamous luz/amity shippers, just bc we're both shipping non-canon stuff -- as long as those shippers don't attack amity for no reason. and i get wary of people who have Any kind of "luz/hunter is incest" stance because i'm like .....i recognize that you probably have some kind of personal experience factoring into your reading of the text, here. like i don't want to take you in bad faith immediately.
however.
i Do suspect that our personal experiences are..... sorta..... fundamentally incompatible.....
#replies#like if you're super uncomfortable with platonic partners calling themselves partners or calling it dating or whatever#as opposed to calling themselves friends/siblings#that is your prerogative! we all have different words we use for ourselves!#but you're also gonna be wildly uncomfortable around me. given how i do my own relationships irl and ship things fictionally.#that's Okay. we don't have to get along. we can just do our own thing and not worry about the other#u know?? like as long as people aren't asking me to change my own behavior based on their squicks it's fine.#to live authentically i kind of have to be squicky and annoying to some people. i'm not trying for mass appeal!#it's only when ppl make their squicks my problem that i'm like. rolls up sleeves. ok we're gonna fight now.#toh
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guess what ! doodles . again
edgar , nny and devi belong to johnen vasquez (even if i only drew nny and devi at the bottom)
scriabin by zarla-s
#vargas#vargas zarla#edgar vargas#scriabin vargas#zarla s#doodles#scriabin#okee dokee ! time to ramble about my life . you can skip the rest of this if you don't want to read .#started these one day before my first day of school and i just finished them today WOAH#i haven't had time to draw for one reason or another#i've had only two weeks of school and i'm already sick of it#my teachers are okay .#i've been interacting with my friends a lot more lately and i realized that that makes me feel really happy !#overall . everything's been fine these days.#i pretty much gave up on trying to find people with my interests#los fans irl de jthm son puro invento de los papás#what else hmm#i struggled so much with some of these#my art style is still inconsistent af#trying to fix that ...#also halfway through this i realized that everything i was drawing was SO BORINg#i keep drawing the same stuff over and over again#whatever i want to draw some crossovers next#i have some things on mind :3 i'm exciteeeed#hopefully i'm able to draw them tomorrow .#DAMN it's already 3am good night
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i fully understand and accept the mutual drifting apart btwn friends bc that's life. but then there's having regular contact with someone you consider a friend until, all of a sudden, there's dead silence on their end for Months (even tho their last message was about whether or not you wanted to hang out). so, periodically, you keep texting updates and well-wishes their way (bc, fair enough, what if they need space? what if they're not doing okay?), but not so much that it's Weird. but, wait! you happen upon their social media where said friend has been out doing shit after all, just without you. and at this point, you'd Def be the weird one (stepping over the line, even) for reaching out on a totally different platform. not that you're entitled to their time (obvs), but idk. it's not the first time this has happened, and i bet it won't be the last. it's just something that's Always gonna sting.
#i'm not claiming to be a perfect friend (and i'm far from a regular texter myself) but i don't see myself actively doing this to anyone tbh#whole time youre kinda flip flopping btwn 'are they okay?' and 'did i do something? was i being too much?'#'should i text less so she doesn't feel bombarded?' and 'should i text more so she doesn't feel like i ditched her?'#but you cant clarify either when you dont know their full name and your only way to communicate with them is dead#hard enough trying to make friends in a new city but fuck me ig!#it's not the end of the world bc i Do have other irl friends but none where we had such similar interests so we just clicked so fast#whatever!#this has been a vent#rambles
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Been thinking about it lately since An Illicit Bargain and Painted Roses are rotting my brain and got me thinking of what and how the story goes and I wanna atleast drop an art of one of my fave bimbinis from there as I am trying to make the first 5 chapters of the story (I'm choosing from AIB or Painted Roses) soon. Hope anyone would be interested in what I'm working on with ✨
Reblogs are appreciated 💖✨
#an illicit bargain#painted roses#polls polls polls#original content#original character#I have a lot of things brewing up for AIB#I'm kinda confused of the plot for Painted Roses#It's just full of romance and I haven't thought of a conflict yet#I have my irl best friend helping me out with the plot#So maybe soon I'll try to make a flow of each chapters#Both AIB and Painted Roses#Still thinking if I should post it on Ao3 or here in tumblr
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my favorite teacher plays dnd and bg3 do you know how crazy that is to me
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#LOTS OF THOUGHTS HII GOOD NOON TODAY WAS A REAL FUN DAY#I ALMOST BROKE DOWN AND ALSO I KINDA VENTED AND G#UH. WHY IS TUMBLR WEIRD AND CLOSING MY POST. ANYWAY!#i did vent to my friends abt annoying classmates (aka annoying ppl who are irresponsible) that bring me and my friends and groups grades#down. and yeah. but i bonded a lot w various frienda and and and fun day and and and I LEARN ^^ AND#things are quite bad sometimes but sometimes they aren't actually that bad and idk school is just really fun i'm almost sad#just really happy with where i am rn and my friends are noticing too sniffs ..... noticing how i'm talking more or whatnot#and more comfy and whatnot and hey it did take like. quite a while. but still! just. really happy#bcs this Quite A While was either basically immediate but in the making (two friends) or gradual but always getting there (group in class)#and etc !!! like hey maybe some friends online or irl i am not talking to as much atm but there's the comfort that we still greatly care#for wach other. and whatnot. and there's just a lot and damn if i gave up this wouldn't be happening lol my point is things do get better#and a lot of it tbh is on how you improve and see things (???) idk but damn i'm just rlly proud of myself#I COULD STILL DO BETTER mbut idk all of this is me and im just rlly secure in that and i have been since the longest time ngl. im amazing#yeehaw ANYWAYYYYFGEGKR BG3 I STARTED A DARK URGE RUN LAST NIGHT YE GODS ITS A BIT SCARY TO ME BUT I LOVE THE BLOOD#im trying to fight against it bcs im using my main tav but boom make him a durge guy so ^_^
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lol
#humungous trigger warning for the tags in the post#but i just need to vent somewhere and i don't want people irl to be in my business about this#or to get too worried and all...#tw: mentions of death and weapons and mental illness and suicide and sh-ing and abuse etc.#please feel free to ignore like i said i just need somewhere to vent#anyway i'm just so sick of being alive fr i've been so massively suicidal this past week and i'm so tired#having bpd AND bipolar AND depression AND ptsd and etc....#it really hurts so much#and my personal life is in fucking shambles like i just don't know what to do anymore#i feel so fucking alone all the goddamn time#so many friends don't give a fuck about anymore like they straight up just don't check up on me or anything#and my ex... i just. why can't you be more fucking understanding of what i'm fucking going through because of you#how the fuck did you turn my months-long depressive episode into me not caring about you cause i couldn't open about what i was going thru#i get you were fucking lonely but i was trying not to fucking die i was over here being talked off ledges#and then sending me a voice memo saying that you were lonely and trying to make an effort but i just didn't care about any of it#it's not fucking about you!!!! i didn't even let my own girlfriend or best friend in!!!! that's what fucking mental illness is!!!!!!#you promised that you'd be more understanding about my mental illnesses when we started talking again#what the fuck is this then?#why am i breaking down every time that you ignore me or take forever to text#like... she's gone back to calling me by my name instead of calling me 'baby' like she always has#she hasn't called me by my name since we first started talking it's been literally fucking years#and not saying i love you to me anymore...#and how can you fucking promise to stay in my life and still be my 'friend' and then fucking ignore me and don't answer my text messages#how the fuck am i supposed to feel that you haven't responded to me in over 24 hours but you react to days old ig messages from me#i fucking hate having borderline for fucking real i hate that she's my fp it hurts so fucking much#i feel like a fucking child i can't deal with this#i literally woke up from my sleep at like 3 or 4 am this morning nearly screaming#and then my gf found me on the living room couch crying and cuts all over my arm and a kitchen knife next to me#my left arm has been stinging all day from the fresh wounds#too painful to bandage them at the moment
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