#I'm going to post it before I find a serious mistake and end up lost in a canvas for another 6 hours dasjkgdjkgd
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Unrequited - Chapter 5 / finale - Tsu'tey x Omatikaya!Reader
chapter 3 | chapter 4
wc: 8k
a/n: can't believe this is the eeeend!!! i'm so excited to finally post this and see what you think. it's been a journey and i hope you enjoyed it just as much as i did! replies and asks are greatly appreciated
unrequited masterlist | general masterlist
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Tsu’tey thought he made the right decision to let you go, after all, he knew from the very beginning that it wouldn’t work out. As the Olo’eyktan, his responsibility was to prioritize his people, so it was only fair that he stopped getting distracted by his desires and focused on his duty. Yet, he couldn’t shake off the feeling that he made a mistake. That maybe, just maybe, there was still a chance to start over and he had turned it down.
He didn't realize the toll that your last conversation had taken on you, leaving you completely shattered. He had disappeared for weeks on end, leading a search party to investigate the outskirts of the forest after the battle with sky people. It was a long time coming, but it still seemed too well planned to you.
Tsu’tey also didn’t know about the number of nights you spent crying in your bed, or the way your soulless eyes were searching for him in every person during communal gatherings, despite knowing that you wouldn’t find him there. He didn’t know that Takuk, who had stayed back at the Home Tree, attempted to court you in a rather awkward manner, which was obvious to everyone. With Tsu’tey’s absence, and Takuk’s clear interest in you, people had begun to whisper and speculate that it was never serious between you and the chief. Takuk was an honest man, and Tsu’tey was too good to be true anyway, they’d say.
And it hurt. It hurt too much because there was a shift in the air. You didn’t push Takuk away, having no energy to fight back the swirling rumors. You stopped showing up to your lessons with Mo’at, despite following through with the ultimatum she gave you that night. Technically, Tsu'tey had broken things off, and you were a free woman once again, so you could resume your lessons, but what was the point? Becoming a tsakarem to lead alongside a man who didn’t want you?
You drew another long sigh, as you sat weaving a basket. Not that you needed one but the loss of appetite and the absence of healing lessons left you with little to do, and so you occupied your hands with a mindless task. Takuk sat beside you, absentmindedly polishing his weapons, his voice a constant chatter that barely registered in your mind. Most of your time with him was spent like this, with you barely reciprocating his advances, hoping that Takuk would eventually grow bored of you and stop his affection. And if he didn’t, maybe you’d finally break down and accept the idea of being loved by somebody else.
“May I speak with you?” Neytiri casted a shadow over you, blocking the sunlight.
You paused for a moment to nod to Takuk, silently asking for privacy. Neytiri’s gaze bore into you, searching for a hint of your state. As soon as Takuk left, she sat in front of you, taking the unfinished basket out of your hands and putting it aside. You shivered, the absence of distraction made the thoughts come rushing back.
“Why do you torture yourself like this?” Neytiri’s voice was firm, almost like she was angry with you, “You look drained.”
You couldn't help but feel resentment at her words. Of course, you weren't like your usual self. You had lost sleep over the only person you loved, and it was unrequited.
"I'm fine," you replied curtly, avoiding her eyes. It wasn’t like you didn’t hear those words from her before.
“I am not blind. You need to snap out of it and let your mind rest,” she stated, taking in your appearance once again. You felt exposed under her gaze, seeing right through your fragile facade.
“I’m doing my best,” you shook your head, a painful lump growing in your throat, “Doing what everyone thinks is right.”
“I want you to do what you think is right,” she pointed at your heart.
You shook your head, wishing for her to stop. Neytiri sighed with disappointment at your stubbornness. She has been pushing you around for weeks now, trying to get you back to your lessons. She was convinced that Mo’at was right and that you were a good fit for becoming a tsakarem, so abandoning that opportunity and letting Takuk linger around you seemed like a waste of time to her. Whether you would end up with Tsu’tey or not, Neytiri believed you deserved to be recognized for your efforts and talent.
“The Great Mother blessed you with a gift, how can you refuse it?” she spoke softer this time, trying another approach.
You winced at her words, standing up quickly to gather your things. There was some commotion in the distance, and you spotted a group of warriors returning to the clan, just in time for the communal dinner. Neytiri noticed where your gaze had landed and gasped when she spotted Tsu'tey. But before she could react, you had already stormed off.
Tears were now threatening to spill out, as you realized he returned. The prospect of seeing him was on your mind every day since he left, yet you were too afraid to face him.
“Y/N, wait,” Neytiri yelled, chasing after you, “We’re not finished.”
You ran into your hut, not even bothering to check if she was still following you. The items in your hands slipped out and fell to the ground as you pathetically tried to wipe away the tears that were streaming uncontrollably down your cheeks.
“Eywa will guide you two to each other,” Neytiri’s voice cut like a knife through your chest, causing you to let out a painful whimper at her words.
“It’s out of her power to make him love me.”
Neytiri stood by the entrance, feeling a little guilty for pushing you. If she had known that Tsu’tey would be back by now, she wouldn't have tested you today. The call for the communal dinner rang loudly through the Home Tree, alongside cheerful whistling, indicating that the search party would be celebrated that evening.
“He is just scared to admit it,” she added, her voice low.
"I can't keep holding on to something that's not there.”
You shrugged, feeling frustrated with her persistence. You were unaware of the talk Neytiri had with Tsu’tey and how heavily it weighed on her mind. She was the only one who understood how deeply he was wounded by the pain of losing Silwanin. How he couldn’t bring himself to open up to you because he was afraid of losing another person he loved, and that the responsibility of being a chief was clouding his judgment. Neytiri was convinced that you’d be able to heal his wounds, but she struggled to show it to you.
“Alright,” she sighed, defeated, “Let’s go and eat.”
“You go, I have lost my appetite.”
Neytiri hesitated for a moment, unsure of what to do, before nodding and leaving your hut. It was pointless to argue, so she made a mental note to bring you food afterwards. Her face scrunched up in irritation when she saw Tsu’tey standing outside, wearing a regretful expression that suggested he had heard your conversation, or at least the last part of it.
“Well?” she quirked her eyebrow at him, waiting for him to go and talk to you.
But as she stared at him in anticipation, Tsu’tey seemed to change his mind. He shook his head and walked away, leaving Neytiri disappointed. It was clear that he was torn between his feelings, and she didn't know what to do to help him.
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The physical distance Tsu’tey had to put between you two during the past weeks caused him a constant headache. It felt like Eywa was playing a cruel game on him, as night after night, you appeared in his dreams. He would awaken in a cold sweat, the memory of you convincing him to beg you to return to him, once he was back at the village. But then the next night, as soon as he was determined to win you back, the image of Silwanin would infiltrate his dreams, and guilt would consume him.
Y/N. Silwanin. He hadn't visited Silwanin for a long time, fearful that seeing her would awaken the longing he had buried deep inside and revive all the pain. But as he pondered on his dreams, Tsu’tey realized that Eywa was sending him a sign - a solution.
When Tsu’tey brought out his kuru to the glowing Mother Tree, for the first time in years, he felt like he was on the right path. He knew that Silwanin would be waiting for him, but he was still scared to face her. He had so much to say, so much to ask, but he didn't know how to start.
Closing his eyes, Tsu'tey focused on his connection with Eywa and felt a gentle breeze surround him, wrapping him in a familiar warmth. A pair of hands, soft and comforting, encircled him in a loving embrace.
"Tsu'tey, my love, I've missed you," a voice whispered into his ear.
As he opened his eyes, Tsu'tey found Silwanin standing before him, smiling brightly. She was just as beautiful as he remembered, and for a moment, he forgot that she was gone. He held her tightly.
“I missed you too, yawne,” he whispered back, his voice choked with grief. When her fingertips traced his face, he had to close his eyes to stop the tears from flowing.
“I’ve been waiting for you to visit me for a long time now. I thought you forgot about me,” she pulled away.
"I'm sorry," he said with disappointment, shaking his head. "I was too scared to come."
“Why were you scared?” she questioned, with an unknowing look, but Tsu’tey hesitated to respond, “Is it about me?”
“You’re not… not here,” he revealed.
“I am not?”
Tsu'tey felt a lump form in his throat as he recounted the painful events that led to her passing. Silwanin listened patiently with a peaceful expression, as if everything started to finally make sense to her.
“I see,” she whispered, reaching up to wipe away his tears. “I wish you didn’t have to go through that alone, my love.”
Tsu'tey shook his head, unable to speak, overwhelmed by the emotions that flooded his heart. He was pulled him into a tender embrace, which made him weep like a child. For the first time in forever, it seemed like a weight was being lifted off Tsu’tey’s chest.
“Tell me about your life now,” Silwanin placed a hand on his cheek, eager to learn, “You’re the Olo’eyktan. Neytiri is a good mate to you, yes?”
“Neytiri is a good mate to Toruk Makto.”
“The Toruk Makto?” Silwanin widened her eyes. From Tsu’tey’s brief story, she recognized the dreamwalker, “But what about you?”
“I’m not mated with anyone.”
Silwanin pressed her lips together, seeming displeased with his answer. It hurt her to know that Tsu’tey wasn't moving on with his life and was torturing himself. He watched her expression change, and gulped down nervously, before confessing.
“There is someone… but I don’t know if I can be with her. Ever be with anyone.”
“Is she good to you?” Silwanin’s ears perked up in curiosity,
“She is,” he nodded with a sigh, “But I cannot make her happy..”
“Tsu’tey, of course you can,” she argued, “You are only torturing yourself if you’re pushing her away.”
“But what about you?”
“Stop worrying about me. I only wish for you to be happy, and if she can ease your worries and make you feel at peace, then who am I to stop you?”
Tsu’tey’s lip trembled at her words. Just like he remembered, Silwanin was understanding and kind, always looking out for him. And as always, she knew better than him what was right. He nodded slowly.
“It’s time to move on, Tsu’tey,” she smiled softly, leaning in to place a gentle kiss on his forehead.
“You’re right,” he whispered, “I will always love you.”
“I know.”
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Tsu’tey returned back to the Home Tree, eager to find you and tell you he was a fool. His heart raced when he spotted your silhouette disappear into the thick greenery of the forest, but before he could follow after you, a pair of hands pressed against his chest, stopping him in his tracks. Tsu’tey let out a low growl of annoyance upon realizing that it was Jake standing in his way.
"Where are you off to in such a hurry, brother? Haven’t seen you in weeks, and you’re already disappearing somewhere,” Jake teased, enjoying the sight of the Olo’eyktan becoming increasingly irritated.
“I have to find someone,” he mumbled, trying to walk away, but Jake was quick to block his path.
“Is that someone Y/N?”
“It is none of your business,” Tsu’tey spat out.
Jake stepped back, crossing his arms over his chest as he studied Tsu’tey with an observant gaze. Tsu’tey felt his patience ran out, eager to end the conversation and follow after you, before you’d disappear. Then he realized.
“Why did you say Y/N?”
“Because Neytiri told me,” Jake responded, his tone suddenly turning more protective, “I didn’t believe it at first, but if it is true, you should be more considerate of Y/N’s feelings.”
Who was Jake Sully to get protective over you? To add on, who was he to protect you from Tsu’tey? As if he could ever hurt you. Tsu’tey stiffened at the thought.
“Neytiri shouldn’t have told you, it is none of your concern.”
“I think I get a little say in this, since Neytiri told you she was pregnant before she told me,” Jake answered. He waited for Tsu’tey to protest, but it seemed like the point was strong enough to keep him quiet, “Anyway, like I said, if you’re going to keep playing with Y/N, you should stop now.”
“Who said I was playing with her?” the Olo’eyktan suddenly felt defensive. Was it truly the way he was seen? Inconsiderate?
“It seems like it, she is a mess,” Jake continued, “Look, I don’t know her well, and I have no idea what went on between you two but it clearly affected her. Y/N is not well, Tsu’tey… Neytiri has been watching her every day since you left because she is concerned for her. So you either fix it, or you let Y/N move on, alright?”
“No, I will fix it,” Tsu’tey nodded with determination.
“Okay,” Jake stepped out of his path, “Okay, go fix it.”
Tsu’tey nodded again, his mind already focused on finding you, his feet carrying him through the bushes where he saw you disappear. He felt agonized, knowing that he hurt you so much it was obvious even to a skxawng like Jake. Tsu’tey didn’t even feel angry for getting scolded by him, because he had no one else to blame but himself.
His senses sharpened as he scanned the area for any sign of you. It didn't take him long to pick up your scent and follow your trail. As he walked, he felt a growing urgency to apologize to you, to tell you that he regretted his words. He didn't know if he could make things right, but he needed to try.
It felt like hours had passed when Tsu'tey finally caught sight of you up ahead, sitting on a fallen log and watching the river. You often came to this spot to wash off after meeting up with him, and as you sat there, your mind couldn't help but wander back to him. With your back turned, you didn't notice Tsu'tey lingering in the back, though you felt a presence nearby. It felt like your mind was playing tricks on you, but before you could turn to look, Takuk caught your attention.
Tsu’tey watched his trainee make his way over to you with a snarl. He felt a surge of jealousy and frustration at Takuk giving you a flower and you accepting it. He had been gone only for a few weeks, and Takuk already made a move? Were you only polite to accept the flower, or was it something more? Remaining hidden, Tsu’tey watched as you and Takuk talked. He could see Takuk's longing gaze but couldn't see your reaction, making him uneasy as he stared at your back.
Shifting on his feet, Tsu’tey was caught off guard when Takuk suddenly turned his face and spotted him. The Olo’eyktan cleared his throat, now forced to step into the open. His heart clenched when you turned around to face him, your eyes tracing his features.
The formalities were exchanged quickly, though Tsu’tey couldn’t keep his eyes off you. He hadn’t seen you in so long, it seemed like there was something different about you. His eyes roamed over your face again and again, and he felt like he was deprived of you, wanting to memorize every small line and engrave it into his mind. Tsu’tey wasn’t sure what exactly changed but he noticed the shift in your gaze - your usual adoration was no longer evident in your eyes, making room for anger? You seemed almost irritated to be in his presence.
“Takuk, may I ask you for a favor?” Tsu’tey spoke, forcing himself to tear his gaze away from you and focus on his trainee.
“Sure, what is it, chief?” Takuk responded eagerly, completely oblivious to the way you watched the Olo’eyktan.
“I want you to gather a meeting with the search party and the rest of the warriors. Make sure everyone is updated on what happened in the last weeks, so everyone’s informed. I will join you a little later and tell you of our next plans,” Tsu’tey ordered. Takuk nodded in confirmation.
Sending Takuk away meant that Tsu’tey would be alone with you, and that scared you. You didn't want to fall apart in front of him once more, not after finally coming to terms with the fact that it was over.
As his past trainee and a trusted warrior, Takuk often received small and big orders from the Olo’eyktan. And Tsu’tey did not lie; he was indeed planning on a meeting with the rest of his warriors to begin the work. But once again, it was clear to you that Tsu’tey's timing and orders were as intentional as a trained hunter hitting a bullseye.
“Y/N,” he spoke softly, your ears lowering instantly at the tone, though your mind was telling you to be angry, “I missed you.”
“No,” you shook your head firmly, “You don’t get to say that if you don’t mean it.”
“I do mean it,” Tsu’tey insisted, taking a step towards you, but you backed away from him, your heart hardened, “I’m sorry for the way I left things off.”
Unbelievable. After everything he had put you through, he had the audacity to show up like this and tell you he missed you? It was too late. The damage was done.
"You're sorry?" you scoffed, "Is that all?”
"No, I regret my words,” his eyes searched yours for a sign of forgiveness, “But I’ve changed. I am not that man anymore who couldn’t give you what you deserved. I’m not scared anymore.”
"It's too late for that, Tsu'tey," your voice was shaky, "I don’t want somebody who doesn’t want me… not anymore. I’ve learned my lesson. I moved on.”
Tsu'tey took another step towards you, but you held up a hand to stop him.
"Please, just go.”
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Tsu’tey never knew the true weight of jealousy until you. It was always easier with Silwanin. He was intimidating to begin with and the whole clan knew about his love for her, so nobody dared to even think about courting the chief’s oldest daughter. But having given Takuk a permission to court you himself and seeing you continue to spend time with that man, while ignoring Tsu’tey’s every attempt to talk to you, made him furious. As the Olo’eyktan, Tsu’tey felt corrupted to use his position to get back at Takuk. He became ruthless during the training at the camp, pointing out Takuk's mistakes in front of his own students. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help his anger.
Tsu’tey was also so desperate for your attention that he even forced himself to ask Neytiri for help. She scoffed at his request to seat you with him during the communal dinner but agreed to help anyway. Though, as she led you by the hand and you neared the circle, it was clear what she was trying to do. You pulled out of her grasp and sat down on the other side to avoid being near him. Reluctantly, Neytiri had to follow and sit down next to you, shooting an apologetic look to Tsu’tey. His heart sank once more at the failed attempt, and Jake had to reassure him with a nudge.
“Why won’t you speak with him?” Neytiri whispered, as you blatantly ignored Tsu’tey’s eyes piercing through you.
“I don’t want to have to do anything with him,” you replied harshly, occupying yourself with your food.
“He is truly sorry for the way he behaved,” she continued, trying to get it through you but you were too stubborn to listen.
The pain of being left by Tsu’tey was incomparable to anything you had ever experienced before. It cut so deep into your soul that you hardly recognized yourself anymore. You lost your appetite, with it, some weight, and the usual spark in your eyes. Mentally, you closed off and fortified your walls, to stop letting yourself hope. You refused to put yourself in a position where you were chasing after someone who didn't want you again. If Tsu’tey regretted his harshness towards you, then so be it. Your desire was to hold onto what little dignity remained, and if you let him close, it would have been completely gone.
“You’re wasting time,” Neytiri continued, “I have never seen him so desperate for anyone’s attention before.”
A big lump started to form in your throat: Neytiri always knew how to push your buttons. Your heart still swelled with the love for Tsu’tey but your mind was telling you to stay angry, not let him in. For once, you were listening to your mind instead of blindly following your heart. Not everything you love is good for you.
“Try some of this,” Tsu’tey’s voice rang loudly in your ears, your eyes quickly following his movements.
He crouched down in front of you, offering you a meat wrap in his open palm. All eyes seemed to be drawn to the chief kneeling in front of a regular clan member and sharing his food. It was a highly respected but rare gesture, usually perceived as a big compliment, or as a sign of courting? Your eyes darted between his hand stretched out towards you and his face wearing an expression of anticipation. You were acutely aware of the attention you were getting, and the more you stared at him, the more embarrassed you felt.
What was he trying to gain from you with a public gesture? Make you comply because of his title and give in? Did he think it would change things in private? You felt anger boiling up inside of you, as you announced as loud as you could.
“I am grateful for the gesture, Olo’eyktan Tsu’tey, but I feel ill, so I must refuse it. Now if you’ll excuse me,” you stood up, not giving him a chance to respond.
Tsu’tey, like the rest of the clan, stared after you, as you walked away, clutching at your stomach as if you were in pain. He had to swallow his pride once more and return to his spot. Tsu’tey listened quietly to everything that Jake was then telling him, about the ways humans courted each other, how he shouldn’t have put you into such a position, and it made him lose his appetite. Was the thought of him so disgusting to you?
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You continued to turn a cold shoulder on Tsu’tey, whether he showed up at your home to talk and you would walk out on him, or he approached you when you were with others, occupied with anything else but him. Days and nights passed, but you just didn't understand what he wanted from you.
So you found yourself wandering deeper and deeper into the rainforest regularly, trying to lose yourself in the lush greenery. Your thoughts were consumed with the mistakes you had made, and you tried to convince yourself that Tsu’tey's intentions to apologize no longer mattered. You were fed up with feeling sad over him, and anger had taken its place, though you still yearned for his touch each night before you slept.
You were completely lost in your thoughts, when a low growl shattered through the quiet of the forest. A palulukan sprang in front of you, hissing furiously. Panic surged through you as you forced yourself to back away as slow as you could, though it was pointless. You were defenseless; running from a hungry palulukan was like playing into the dangerous game of a trapped helpless prey.
Just as you thought it was the end of your life, the palulukan slowly lowered its head to your height. A glimmer of recognition flickered in your mind as you took a deep breath. Was it possible that it recognized you? The palulukan cautiously took a few steps towards you, its growls softening as if it decided against attacking you.
“Y/N, stay back!” Tsu’tey yelled, leaping between you and the animal, arrow already aimed.
"No, don't shoot!" you cried out desperately, "It's her! The one we saved."
The animal jumped back with a low hiss, sniffing around Tsu’tey as it began to recognize the man who saved her. Tsu’tey glanced back at you, and as you nodded to confirm your words, he slowly lowered his weapon. But he remained in front of you protectively anyway.
“She grew twice her size,” he commented with an observing eye, a hint of pride evident in his voice.
The palulukan caught and recognized your scent, seeming to relax and slowly retreating, flicking its powerful tail in a sign of trust. You marveled at the sight, watching the animal leave and disappear into the dense flora. A breathy chuckle escaped from your mouth, and you stepped out from behind Tsu’tey to bid a farewell to the palulukan. Like a sign from Eywa… you could feel her presence. It wasn't a coincidence.
“What are you doing here? This is not a safe place to be,” Tsu’tey quickly snapped back to reality, addressing you harsher than he usually would.
“I can be wherever I want to be,” you put a distance between you.
"I don't want any member of my clan wandering this far alone and unarmed. Especially not you," he gestured to the empty space where your bow and arrow should have been. You fought the embarrassed blush - it was your slip up.
“I don’t need a babysitter. So stop following me around.”
“Not unless you talk to me,” he persisted.
You were growing irritated once again, crossing your arms on your chest. Arguing was wearing you down, sucking out all of the remaining energy.
“Then you talk, I have nothing to say to you.”
“I’m sorry,” he began, and you couldn’t help but scoff at the words, “I truly am. I was a fool to hurt you, to push you away. I was scared because I thought I couldn’t give you what you deserved.”
“I don’t know what you want for me, Tsu’tey. Forgiveness? Do you want me to take the apology and move on?” you questioned with a harsh tone, “Because I am trying to do what you wanted me to. I don’t protest Takuk’s courting, I stay away from you and I’m trying to move on no matter how much -”
“I see you,” he interrupted, stepping closer to you.
“You see me,” you repeated confusedly, but your tail wagged aimlessly, betraying the small pang of excitement. Did he really mean it?
“I do, I see you,” he nodded, lowering himself to the ground in front of you, “Please, give me a chance.”
Your eyes widened at the sight of Tsu’tey kneeling, his hands wrapped gently around your ankles. You stared down at him, observing the way his face etched with true regret and something else? Like there was an admiration for you.
“What are you doing, Tsu’tey?” you swallowed hard.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for everything," he spoke desperately, his grip tightened as he looked up at you with pleading eyes, "I tried to push my feelings for you away, but they were too strong to fight. I can't bear the thought of you being with anyone else but me… I’m in love with you, Y/N.”
"Love?" Your eyes darted back and forth between his, trying to find any hint of lying, but all you saw was sincerity.
“Yes, I have fallen for you completely. My mind and body belong to you… my heart belongs to you now,” he whispered, as his hands reached for yours.
Tsu’tey, the man who had once claimed he could never love you, was now on his knees pleading with you to give him a chance. His eyes were glistening with tears, and you unintentionally mirrored him, feeling your own starting to roll down your cheeks.
All this time, you had thought he wanted your forgiveness for his harshness, but what he really wanted was to be with you. His heart belonged to you? You squeezed your eyes shut, hoping to wake up from what felt like another one of your nightly dreams. But it was real. Tsu’tey had confessed his love for you, and it was entirely real.
“Can you find it in your heart to take pity on a foolish, cowardly man like me? Do you think you could ever love me back?” he looked up at you with so much hope. Tsu’tey refused to back down now, when he had it all out in the open.
“Tsu’tey,” you let out, freeing your hand from his grasp. He would have died on the spot sensing rejection if you hadn’t brought your hand to cup his cheek tenderly. “I have loved you since we were kids, you know that, don’t you?”
“Truly?” he whispered, leaning his face into your touch, “Even after everything I did?”
“Always, no matter what happens, I could never stop loving you,” you confessed, lowering yourself to kneel in front of him.
Tsu’tey searched your eyes for any sign of doubt, his mind struggling to keep up with your words. But the way you looked at him was unmistakable; he had seen that loving, eager gaze before. He leaned in, his lips brushing against yours, tasting his own tears mixed with yours. You shivered at the feeling that was so different, yet so pleasant. He loved you. Tsu’tey loved you!
Infectious warmth was spreading through you, and it felt like you were dreaming. You placed your hand on his chest, feeling the racing of his heart beneath your palm. Tsu’tey took your hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it gently.
“Tsaheylu,” he whispered, his eyes locking onto yours.
You’d be his, he’d be yours. He was scared that you’d push him away, but as you reached out to bring out your kuru, an abiding affection filled him from head to toe. He rushed to bring out his forward too, and as you were close to connecting, you couldn’t help but whisper.
“I see you,” you said, meeting Tsu’tey’s gaze.
“I see you,” he replied, a smile spreading across his face.
Your kurus connected, forming a tsaheylu, and you leaned forward and kissed him again, feeling the power of it coursing through your body. It was like the two halves were becoming one, and you could feel everything Tsu’tey felt. All of the doubts and fears were slipping away now that you had proof he was telling the truth, he loved you, and his mind and body were consumed by the thoughts of you. Tsu’tey felt your love too, everything you ever told him and did for him was with the intention of loving him… being hopelessly devoted to him. He could sense the way your heart raced and synced with the beat of his own.
As Tsu’tey continued to kiss you with an almost feverish intensity, it caused a rush of warmth to spread through your body. His kisses were gentle yet urgent, as if he was afraid you would disappear if he didn't show you enough affection. You couldn't help but hold him tight, wanting to feel his warmth and closeness after being apart for so long.
You ran your fingers through his braided hair, marveling at how much you missed the feeling. The way his lips moved across your cheek, your forehead, your jawline - leaving hot traces on your skin. His fingers tracing the curves of your body. Him exploring you like he was discovering you for the first time.
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Tsu’tey was desperate to show you his regret, how he truly felt miserable for hurting you. He was forgetting that you could feel it too, as he committed to absorbing every little sound you made, his lips moving over your folds, long digits stretching you out simultaneously. He was overwhelming, and you couldn’t help but squeeze him with your thighs, letting out a loud whimper when he sucked on your clit.
“Tsu’tey, please,” you whispered, your limbs starting to tremble at the tension in your core, “I need to feel you.”
He hummed against you, sending pleasant vibrations to your sensitive button. It was difficult to hold himself back but Tsu’tey wanted to pour out all of his love to you in the moment, to show how much he prioritized your happiness. You, you, you. It’s all you could hear in his thoughts, how he ignored the painful tension in his own body before sending a wave of pleasure through yours. You throbbed around his digits, fingers falling to his hair as you pulled his mouth away from you. He gazed into your half-lidded eyes, pupils dilating at the sight of you melting underneath him. At the feeling of your pleasure spreading through you and flowing with a taintest wave back to his own head.
He then rocked into you gently, slowly, savoring the moment. And you didn’t mind. You missed having him nestled in between your hips, angling himself in a way to pleasure you, to reach that spot inside you that made your eyes roll to the back of your head. He groaned, the tsaheylu intensifying every feeling in every nerve of his body. You kissed him again and again, becoming one with Tsu’tey, letting all of the pain slip away and make place for love.
The idea of his pleasure only heightened yours, and you could feel the knot tightening within you as the pressure built up. Tsu’tey picked up his pace, whispering your name and confessing his love, but you couldn’t hear him. As your bodies intertwined, the thoughts seemed to vanish into thin air. You came, squeezing him so desperately, he was forced to follow right after you. Your moans vanished and disappeared into the back of his throat.
He had been so lost before, so broken and shattered, but with you by his side, everything seemed to fall into place. Your touch was like a balm to his wounded soul, healing the scars of the past. And the way you looked at him - with such tenderness - made him feel like he was the only person in the world.
Tsu’tey pulled away slightly, hovering over you with an observant gaze. You couldn’t help but smile hazily at the feeling of him still inside you, reaching to cup his cheek. He knew it. You were completely his for the rest of your life. How could he ever think you were a distraction when you were his cure all along? All of the self-loathing and hatred he felt seemed so unimportant when he had someone like you love him.
︵‿︵‿︵‿︵
You couldn’t get enough of each other, and it’s been weeks since Tsu’tey and you became mates. Yet, no matter how much time you spent together, you always rushed to him at the end of your day. It was mostly with you in his arms, spending restless nights of passion, and conversations about the future, as you went to sleep. It was one of those nights when you laid on his chest, in a peaceful quiet, when Tsu’tey broke it.
"I've been thinking about something," he said softly, tracing circles on your back.
"Mhm, what is it?" you asked, looking up at him with a curious smile.
Oh, how he loved your smile! It was all he yearned for now that he got a taste of seeing you so happy. With him! Tsu’tey still couldn’t believe that he could make you smile and laugh so much, your cheeks hurt. All it took him was to admit his love, and your heart was healing alongside his, quickly, beating loyally for the other’s. He leaned in to kiss you softly, something he did often mid-conversations because he couldn’t keep it in anymore. Now that it was out in the open and you were mated, Tsu’tey quickly learned to stop worrying about everybody else but you. So if he wanted to hold you during communal dinners, he’d do just that, completely oblivious to your ashamed flushed face.
“I had this dream last night… And many nights before that too.”
"What was it about?" you raised an eyebrow in surprise. He rarely shared his dreams with you, because he found it to be pointless.
"It was about us," a smile spread across his face, quickly mirroring on your own, "I saw a big family. I also felt Eywa’s presence in it."
You felt your heart skip a beat at the mention of having a family, the idea of one with a man of your dreams was unsettling, overflowing. You have been in love with him for so long, it was still hard to believe he was yours sometimes. So having Tsu’tey dream about having a family with you made you emotional. Noticing your intense thinking, Tsu’tey wrapped his arms around you, and pulled you close. He had learnt his lesson, there would be nothing more unspoken left in between you. He did not wish to hurt you again.
"I love you, Y/N. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and raise a family.”
"I would love that," you said, your voice barely above a whisper. He grinned.
"Then it's settled," he pressed a kiss to your forehead.
You snuggled closer to him, feeling the warmth of his body against yours. As you drifted off to sleep, you felt grateful to Eywa for the man lying next to you.
︵‿︵‿︵‿︵
THE END
But wait, I have a bonus thingy (I didn’t know where to include it so):
Despite you slowly getting used to the idea of being the Olo’eyktan’s mate and getting more involved in his duties, you cannot seem to get back to yours. It is difficult to face Mo’at again, to take up healing, which you were so sure was your calling. Did you truly deserve to be a Tsahik? What if you were not talented enough? This killed Tsu’tey, as he would have preferred nobody else but you to become the clan’s healer.
He spent days trying to talk to you about it, having already announced his news of finding a mate to Mo’at. She wasn’t surprised to hear it, knowing that her hunch was always right, but you refusing to follow your tsakarem path upset her. Tsu���tey was determined to change that. When he saw his words were typically swayed by you into a different topic, he would send people to talk to you. It began with Jake and Neytiri, some of your healer friends, eventually he even asked Mo’at to scold you for your stubbornness, so you avoided her the best you could.
His plan outgrew itself when random clan members would come into your hut injured and ask for help, but sensing that it was his orders, you would send them away to seek help from Tsahik.
To say that getting injured was unintentional would be a lie; the idea of rushing to you for help seemed like a solution to Tsu’tey. After all, you would treat your mate if he was hurt, right? It was a stupid plan and you’d probably get mad at him for being careless, maybe not talk to him for a day, but if it could spark that interest again, why not take the risk? He learned from Jake Sully that all is fair in love and war.
When Tsu’tey stumbled into your hut with a loud groan, your eyes immediately spotted traces of red all over his thigh. You rushed to him to help him sit, scanning for other injuries, your heart racing with worry.
“Tsu’tey, what happened?” you questioned him.
“Jumped into the bushes from my ikran and scraped my leg, but I’m alright,” he groaned.
“You have blood,” you pointed out, “I’ll get Tsahik.”
“No, yawne,” he put his hand over your thigh to stop you from getting up, “I want you to help me.”
“It's better for Tsahik to do it. I don’t know how,” you shook your head, the two of you knowing well it was a lie. You were perfectly capable of cleaning him up in a matter of minutes.
“Y/N,” he said softer this time, hand coming up to cup your cheek, “Please would you help your mate?”
You stopped the protest, the red painted on his thigh seeming to reason with you. Then nodded with a small sigh before getting up to gather some supplies from your stash. Tsu’tey couldn’t help a satisfied smile that creeped onto his lips, as he watched you work. His wound wasn’t as bad as it looked, he cut skin which caused the bleeding, but it wasn’t deep enough to bother him.
You worked quickly, feeling the way his eyes lingered on you, reminding you of the time when he first came in with a broken arm into the Tsahik’s hut. You looked up at Tsu’tey to find a glimmer in his eyes with a wicked smirk he was desperately trying to hide.
“This looked worse than it actually is,” you noted, finishing up, “Why are you smiling?”
“No reason,” Tsu’tey shrugged, “Just happy to see you back in your element.”
“I am not back in my element,” you huffed, putting the supplies aside and shifting in your seat to face him, “Why would you even jump off your ikran without landing first?”
“I don’t know, just wanted to jump,” Tsu’tey said but his growing smirk was raising your suspicions.
“Do you think that I’d believe an Olo’eyktan would go off jumping his ikran mid-flying, as if he was a fresh warrior?” you questioned with an angry flare in your voice, “I can see right through you, Tsu’tey. This was careless… stupid of you.”
“But yawne, admit it, it felt good to treat me, right?” Tsu’tey ignored your scolding, hand reaching out to pull you to his chest.
You were genuinely upset with him for going the extra mile for you, but you couldn’t help it when he was so sweet. His arms wrapped around your middle, burying his face in the back of your head with a satisfied hum.
“Tsu’tey, it is not funny,” you tried to continue with anger, but it came out too low, “You shouldn’t injure yourself like that for me.”
“I just want to see you do what you like to do. Is it so bad to wish you used your talents?”
“I don’t have talent for healing -”
“I don’t like it when you lie to me,” he interrupted.
You fell quiet. He was being sweet the past week, trying everything to get you back into healing.
“Fine, I’ll give it another chance…” you trailed off, and it took a moment for him to turn you around with a joyous laughter and kiss you with all the gratitude he felt.
︵‿︵‿︵‿︵
Oh, and bonus canons to resolve some of the plots:
Takuk found out about you being mated with Tsu’tey soon after, being one of the first.
he came to ask you to spend time with him when saw Tsu’tey come out of your hut
later that day he felt the change not only in your mood but also in your scent, and it all clicked in his head
being respectful of his Olo’eyktan and having doubts from the beginning that there was some truth to the rumors, Takuk didn’t take it to his heart
his whole life he looked up to Tsu’tey and he was happy to see the man beaming with love
you and Tsu’tey both felt bad for leaving things unanswered but eventually it passed
there was no more tension Tsu’tey felt between himself and Takuk
Neytiri threw the fact that you’re together into Jake’s face almost every day
every time they saw you two, Jake got ready to receive that satisfied smirk from Neytiri
of course, it was her who found out about you mating with Tsu’tey
the second they saw each other on the next day after your mating, they exchanged a knowing look
he thought it’d be fair to tell Neytiri first for everything she did for him
you quickly slipped into your usual self, even happier than you were before Tsu’tey and it didn’t go unnoticed
while it was a bit sudden to them, the clan mostly reacted well when they saw Tsu’tey hold your hand
eventually everyone realized that happy Tsu’tey = happy clan, so no one dared to even think anything negative
you and Tsu’tey began to make your own place, in the meantime, he would come and spend time at your hut
he’d sometimes finish up his chores for the day earlier to come and fetch you from Mo’at
she was not eager to let you go but she couldn’t say no when she saw your smile whenever Tsu’tey walked in
and though you had your doubts at first, after the tsaheylu, trusting Tsu’tey was the easiest thing you had to do
after feeling what he felt for you and hearing him reassure you every night, you felt like the most important person to him
which you are
Tsu’tey was grateful for finding you, after losing everything else
as lessons went by, it was only logical that Mo’at announced you to be the new tsakarem
connecting with Eywa became one of your favorite things, as you were not ashamed of what you had or didn’t have anymore
your connection grew stronger and often you got signs from her, one of the perks of being the future Tsahik
the love between you and Tsu'tey also grew stronger with each passing day, and you felt like you've finally found your purpose
Jake always said something about you falling for Tsu’tey first, but him falling for you harder
you’re not sure what it really meant but he assured you it was a good thing back on earth, !!!romantic!!!
of course, Tsu’tey and you started discussing having kids (like a few weeks in) but decided to hold on to it for a little bit longer, so that you could focus on each other and your new duties
but it didn’t take too long until you gave in…
︵‿︵‿︵‿︵
taglist (since this is the last chapter, if you guys want to be moved to my regular taglist please let me know): @mechformers @xx-mayday-martyr-xx @drinking-tea-and-be-obsessed @fanboyluvr @live-laugh-neteyam @cawi00 @sovereignsylvia @wifey0209 @jakescumdump @vxncxntt @avatarbyamara @vviviivvivivivvivivivi @aracelikara @brooklynscherry-z @teyums @bestwlwmonster @totesnothere04 @n7cje @suntizme @weasleytwinwheezes @neteyamslovrr @crustskullz @vane28282 @youngbananamilkshake @elissanatok @perplexing-vex @zoetrope1997 @yeosxxx @kurogxrix @sakura-onesan @saltedcoffeescotch @daeneeryss @silententhusiastdreamer @omnifanfic @skyofnight @stargirlrchive @doromoni @anxietydrogz @marsbars09 @deliciousdilfmentality @theunfortunateplace @tinystarfishgalaxy @mayonaise-mmm @marsbars09 @faerienotfound @ohshititsfenharel @meowiemari @ttkttt @arsonfrogger @isabel-ffl-xoxo
#unrequited series#tsu'tey x reader#tsu'tey smut#tsu'tey#avatar twotw#na'vi x reader#tsu'tey x y/n#tsu'tey x you#fics#tsu'tey fic#avatar 2#avatar 2009#avatar#avatar the way of water#avatar 2009 x reader#avatar 1#tsu'tey avatar#jake sully fanfiction#neytiri#avatar fanfiction#avatar smut#avatar au#avatar 2009 smut#tsu'tey te rongloa ateyitan#tsu'tey fluff#tsu'tey angst#the way of water#avatar fluff#avatar 2009 au#avatar series
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I had a sudden great need to talk about Captain Marvel and his villains with you, bc something about them seemed connected in a grander scheme of things to me and it's late at night right now but I needed to sing about this
Dr. Sivana - (movie version) A man who in his childhood was teleported against his will and essentially temporarily kidnapped to a strange and horrifying place in the middle of the night, forced to be tested for something he had no idea about but continued to be called delusional and insane for when speaking about it to anyone. Driving him mad for being unworthy, feeling like he was rotten despite the circumstances out against him were unfair at the time in his eyes. That moment stayed with him permanently, keeping him locked in that memory forever, never truly growing up, but also losing his heart.
Mr. Mind - In most versions he is an alien or magical creature, but in one version I was told about, apparently he was an abused child who loved to read as an escapism. One day he accidentally ended up in a magical room, where he was transformed into what we now know as Mr. Mind. Human experimentation as a child, possibly. Never having a chance to live as a child and forced to grow up into something he did not want to become, but had to.
Chain Lightning - From what I heard from you, Chain Lightning is a girl with multiple personalities, one (or more) of them being villainous in nature, but one of them being genuine and in love with a boy. Trapped in her own body and mind, a child who has no will of her own to live her life as she wants to.
Lady Blaze/Satanus - Children fathered and abandoned by the wizard. For reasons, I do not know yet, I'm still researching, but this sounds like serious issues that caused them to go mad, vengeful that they were not seen as worth anything in their father's eyes to leave them their "rightful inheritance" after his passing.
Sinclair Batson - A reanimated puppet made by Lady Blaze, a wish by Ebeneezer Batson. A false son. No childhood given, no innocence given, just given a purpose to fo as he is told by people he does not know in a world he does not know.
Black Adam - An ancient and crusty old man, who, in his mortal life, murdered his own nephew for the power he coveted and was not meant to be his. He took the life of the child he was meant to protect and love, and yet when the child protected him instead, he returned the act with malice. The boy was chosen as champion, for the sake of the world, an innocent boy, and the world ripped him apart via his own family.
And then, there's Billy Batson. Orphaned, foster child, homeless (depending on the version), and alone. A child that the world does not see and is also against at the same time somehow. He struggles so hard to find a place in the world for himself, but remains pure of heart during all the bad times. He refuses to become as rotten as the people who see him suffering and ignore him. When he is chosen, it is not by his choice. He did not know what he was in for, and became a superhero with more responsibility and power than he was ready for at his young age. He did not consider himself able to have a childhood before, but WITH the powers he had now?? He couldn't ever think about being a kid ever again.
Just. Them. The theme of lost innocence and being forced to grow up, or the event in childhood ruining them forever and that event being the catalyst for so much more.
At one point in all of those origins for those characters, there were children who needed help, guidance, love, understanding, etc. But they were never given any of that, and look at what happened in the end. Billy seems to be the only one who managed to turn out good, but he could have been so different
Sorry if this is a lot and if there's spelling errors or mistakes, this is just something I wanted to talk about for a long time, and something I'll make my own post about at another time, but I felt like you would have great insight on this
Okay so I've been thinking about this all day because childhood innocence (and the loss of it) have always been a central theme of Captain Marvel’s comics.
This got very long so I'm putting my analysis under the cut.
In captain marvel comics, unlike in other places, innocence isn't equated with naivete or stupidity. Billy is a very innocent character in the grand scheme of things, but he's both very competent and savvy to the issues people faced. This childhood innocence, which is reflected in Captain Marvel’s own behavior even when they are separate people, is about doing the right thing, about not succumbing to things like selfishness and anger even when it's tempting to do so.
And your last point about Billy being the only one to turn out "good" is really important because it's why he was chosen to have these powers in the first place! He was pure of heart not just because he was good and kind, but because he continued to be that way even when he faced hardships that can (and often do) lead people down a darker path.
Now let's talk villains.
The movie versions of Billy and Dr Sivana have very clear and explicit parallels with each other. I think his story is the clearest in terms of how a loss of childhood innocence/trauma can haunt a person throughout their life. His lack of control of those circumstances is definitely one of the biggest factors in why he became obsessed with this one moment, a moment he believes his life was unfairly ruined.
I can't say I'm familiar with the version of Mr Mind you mentioned here, but based on what you've mentioned it's really interesting that his appearance and his powers are from something out of his control. Ironically he is now able to control others, continuing the cycle of abuse.
As for Chain Lightning (Amy is the main alter) is like many characters who canonically have DID in that her alters exist in part to protect her inner child (one of her other alters), to take on any pain or suffering in order to keep their childhood innocence in tact.
Lady Blaze and Satanus take after their mother, a demoness who may or may not have used magic to seduce him. His immediate and continued rejection of them, his assumption that they were evil from birth, certainly had an impact on them and the people they became. They never got to be innocent because Shazam wrote them off as evil from the start. Their insistence that they are owed his power and his place in the Rock of Eternity can be read as them longing for connection to a father that abandoned them and proving they were worthy of wielding his powers despite his rejection. (I'm starting to sense an additional theme of needing to feel worthy in Shazam's eyes but that's another post)
Sinclair exists in an unnatural and not fully autonomous state. He is Ebenezer's child first and foremost even if he isn't actually a child at all. He lost his innocence somewhere between death and resurrection.
And then there's Black Adam. There are a number of different versions of his story but all of them revolve around loss. Whether it's the loss of a child (his nephew or son) or the loss of his wife or brother, he gave into his pain. He have up on childish things like doing what's right and let himself be lost to his own worst impulses.
I think on top of the theme of innocence there's also this parallel theme of autonomy, of wanting male your own choices but having someone or something else taking that control away from you. Which definitely resonates with children who often don't have much control of their circumstances.
This was a lot but the English nerd in me loves talking about themes~
#ask me whatever you want y'all#billy batson#shazam#dc captain marvel#black adam#dr sivana#mr mind#lady blaze and satanus#chain lightning#sinclair batson#theres just so many ways to explore these characters#and childhood innocence and loss is a really good one#how many of these characters would still be villains if they had full autonomy or at least a choice in how their life unfolds#also im a little sick and have been drinking cold medicine so i might nkt be fully coherent
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Alive Ulla
(Later I'm going to rename this whole series of us because I lost my own accountmeant xPPPP)
Hey hey hey
I have to hurry up for serious before I lost my objectives on real life xP
Let me remind you all , I enjoyed too much my 5 years of dayly participation here on Tumblr.
I'm going to keep posting here until I finish to tell you all my ideas, but sadly I've been stopping commenting and sharing other people posts.
I'm sorry but keep in mind that I love you all
Here I go again !!!
Where did I left?
Yeah right
Ulf earned paranormal powers of divination in order to fullyfill his hunger of social interaction sciences (do not mistake with gossiping thirst) So.....
He sended Donella to the location of her lost negligents parent, hopping she can heal her emotional anger wounds
Donella gets back to Cyrus to leave him a series of solid information about Ulla proyects made along with her brother Ulf , and also, all the supplies list
Why? the next step to victory is to convince the next town to invade Nesdernia, rob the supplies and start a figth.
The lie used to win, would be about this pale faces (Faber family) being traitors and being the ones calling the invasors to get in and take the supplies, wood, metals, water, medical herbs, animals for eating or decorations, etc...
So, Donnie is leaving in order to re-meet and work with her identity meaning leaving explosion and destruction behind.
Once again, Ulla and Ulf are trapped on the crossfire on a war that is not theirs
The wedding got cancelled, Faber's family and Sonia's family got a tag to be captured by any of the two belligerents, the locals to jail them and sentence them as criminals, and the invasors to keep the lie and later dispose them.
Ulf is convinced he needs the people to know he is innocent and search the culprit of this mess, and he will use what he knows, but for that, he needs one of the invasors to agree and have a voluntary session of readmind-ing.
But of course that's pretty much impossible, so, Ulla will use her evoluted power of Alchemy to have their own army, repel the invasors and prove their innocence, but, someone stole some of their inventions.
Donella is back at Ingvarr kingdom , not the capital yet, the mines are bigger, the borders too, she made sure to get a fake identity so her ex-prospects won't recognize her
Her few clients don't recognize her but she stops by there to watch the progress, the guy who buyed wifes? He has a mansion , but the deep inside is an hospital, lots of blonde girls and women are pregnant in here.
Don asks for a place to stay and pays to the guy, so that's her chance to get some information of the place, the owner then recognizes her and thanks her for the advices back them, he is rich and powerful
She thanks him back (not amused and not as friendly as he would have liked)
She leaves next day and goes to the capital, the older princess now is queen and the militar propaganda multiplyed
She finds a person who spies on pretty girls who are working on the mines, another one who robs food, probably from the kitchen asigned to the workers, and someone else who is sick and hungry on the streets.
She follows the one who spies on the girls, half day looks like got wasted on nothing, but she discovers this guy runs a brothel, as she suspected.
She trespasses his place and enters his office, the guy has enough money , and once he enters, she's going to make him a proposition.
Of course the guy doesnt trust her bad she make clear she had the upper hand and her intelect his superior to his, so she end up convincing him.
He will buy her weapons and armor to assault the mansion of blondes women and rob the business, so he will own everything.
Once the deal is done, he has to pay and she has to send a message to Cyrus, in order to hide the money and send them merchandising to the location agreed.
Dang!!!!! My advances after this got erased again
Hurry Dan, Hurry !!!!
🌀🌀🌀🌀🌀 Whatever 🌀🌀🌀🌀🌀
All the seven kingdoms, including Nesdernia no matter if its at a civil war, receive the news , princess Rapunzel of Corona kingdom has born.
Don warns to her client about an owner of a brothel wanting to steal his blondes live stock, so he better buy her some weapons.
Sonia asks Ulf to runaway to her original kingdom, but Ulla's parents suggest to let Sonia live with them in Pittsburgh, they came to the conclusion to get back each one to their homes and see if the wedding re-starts after all these mess is solved , Sonia and her family goes back to the borders of Koto.
Failed mission, they couldn't prove their innocence, but Ulf and Tenax (his father) made sure to give the royals a letter with their side of the history.
Donella finds her parents but there is not reconciliation, instead, they fight over who abandoned who and split up as with most dysfunctional families.
Then she enters Ingvarr capitol, with her new skills (and tools robbed form Ulla's alchemy inventions , everything is very easy, to find all the hidden passages, cross them safely, self defense and attack.
She was able to map everything and feed on the minimal, later, she would sell this information, but then, she found the Metal trial on her own, and tried to solve it but failed due to her cynical twisted morals.
I lost track of time
Seee you around
🌾🧶🎮🩷🧶👾🌾❤️🌾🧶👾🩷🪱🌾❤️🧶🎮🌾❤️🧶👾❤️👾🧶🌾🧶🌾🌻❤️👾🧶🪸🧶🩷🧶🎮🌾🩷🧶🌻🎮🩷🧶🎮🌻
#varian#tangled varian#tts varian#varian the alchemist#rta varian#varian tts#rapunzels tangled adventure#varian and the seven kingdoms#vat7k#Ulf Vat7k#ulla vat7k#vat7k donella#Varian lost extended family#hugo vat7k
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Unavoidable | Doctor!James Acaster (& others)
For: anon
Request:
Basically for this first request, gonna be a little strange but I had a dream that James Acaster was Doctor Who and his companions were Josh Widdecombe and Ed Gamble and I was the Doctors child and was wondering if you could write something including fluff based on it? But instead of me it’s the Teen!reader obviously, I’m 18 and Gender-Fluid and use all pronouns, any and all pronouns would be great in regarding the reader.
Notes:
Hi anon! I'm so srry this has taken me so long to do, but I lost the first draft so I had to redo it :[. But it's finished now! I literally love the idea sm, James as the doctor would be so hectic I cannot. I've decided to keep Ed and Josh's names the same so it isn't confusing but James is obvs referred to as the doctor. I hope it's alright. Also if you wanna be tagged in future fics that i post, dm me n ill add u to the list. Happy reading!
Tags:
@frankieray
Summary:
The doctor makes a foolish mistake leading to you getting injured on an adventure, he is quick to make sure you're alright and to assure you it won't happen again.
TW: SLIGHT BLOOD AND INJURY (BUT ITS ALL FLUFFY AT THE END)
It was unexpected when you heard the bullet go off behind you. Yes, you knew the aliens you were currently facing weren't cowards- it wasn't as if they were too scared to shoot.
It was just surprising that they shot you.
You weren't in their direct line of fire, it would've been simpler to maybe shoot Josh, or even the Doctor, but yet here you were.
The Doctor. Your doctor.
He had found you on one of his adventures, complete coincidence. It just happened that he was your biological father, not that you has any idea.
The gangly man had a very different personality to your more serious, stoic nature. You wouldn't have guessed, not by looking at you both anyway.
His, happy, bubbly nature. Constantly bouncing around the TARDIS, occasionally bumping into the control panel, and swearing under his breath, much to the enjoyment of Ed and Josh, the two men who the Doctor had decided to travel with as companions.
That's why it was so surprising that the aliens didn't shoot the Doctor, the amount of attention he was bringing to himself on the deck of the spaceship anyway.
The ringing in your ears began to subside.
You looked down.
Your raised a shaking hand to eye level, to see it coated in a dark shade of your blood.
Your breathing quickened as you realised.
Then your legs gave way.
The last thing you saw before the darkness was the Doctor swearing loudly before yelling orders at Ed and Josh, flailing his limbs frantically.
You could feel the blood slowly oozing out of your wound as your eyes began to close. The Doctor rushed to your side, kneeling. His hand finding the side of your face.
"Stay with me. Fucking hell please stay with me."
Your eyes fluttered open to bright white lights. They made you squint as you began to sit up, wincing at the pain in you side. You leant on your elbows as you looked around the infirmary of the TARDIS, somewhere you had gotten acquainted with after dangerous adventures with your father.
None had been as severe as this.
They were usually minor things: cuts, grazes that sort of thing.
Ever still, the Doctor would stress, worrying about every tiny injury you had. Long slender fingers plastering up even the slightest paper cut.
You turned to your left, to see the Doctor asleep in a chair. Messy auburn hair covering his eyes as he snored, out of place. The outfit he wore was dirty with dust and grime.
He was snoring lightly, his mop of hair shaking slightly with each inhale. Just another one of his many quirks.
You attempted to stand, throwing your legs over the side of the hospital-esc bed. As you did the Doctor stirred, waking.
He saw you trying to get up and started to panic a bit.
"No, you have to lie down, you took a heavy blow out there man."
You huffed and lay back down, looking up to see his blue eyes laced with concern and worry.
"Dad I'm fine. Its only minor."
"Minor? You were bleeding out, you were lucky you didn't end up with any more damage that was already done."
You rolled your eyes in defeat as the Doctor began to check the gauze that covered the wound.
"I don't know what I would've done if you didn't make it back kid." He said after a while, slender fingers pulling back down your shirt, which now had a fairly large red rimmed hole in it.
"Well I'm fine aren't I." You responded with a slight smile.
"It should've been me, I wasn't paying attention, I put you in danger I'm so sorry-" he began to reel off apologies until you grabbed his hand to make him look at you.
"Dad! I'm ok. It wasn't your fault. None of us could've guessed that would've happened. Don't blame yourself."
A little while later, Ed and Josh entered, worry plastered on their faces. They were relieved to see you awake.
"Bloody hell y/n." Ed chuckled darkly "you got pretty banged up."
"Yeah well, I'm good as new now." You responded, chuckling.
"And im so glad you are." The Doctor whispered, squeezing your hand.
#james acaster#britcom#ed gamble#taskmaster#off menu#british comedians#british comedy#josh widdicombe#doctor!james acaster x reader#james acaster x reader#companion!ed gamble#companion!josh widdicombe#quinn's fics
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Jinx chapter 37 spoilers & more predictions!!
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I have many many thoughts about how the rest of Jinx might play out!
First, I think Dan will be too sick to be able to help Jaekyung with his jinx before the match and Jaekyung will lose. And I think it's obvious to all of us that he'll blame Dan for it.
(Side note: if that happens I'm so curious if Jaekyung will try to find someone else last minute. I said to my bf, 'is he going to try to fuck Potato?!' I don't really see that happening though. And I don't think he'll try to find a stranger because they're in a foreign country and it's just too risky)
Some different scenarios/predictions in my head:
It's still possible that after losing the fight and going back to South Korea, Dan's grandmother passes away. And through that, Jaekyung continues to treat him terribly and it becomes too much for Dan and he leaves. To me, 1/5. Not very likely.
Jaekyung will blame Dan so much so that he'll fire him and kick him out of his place. I didn't really think this would happen at first, but if there's no other giant event (like Dan's grandmother dying) that makes Dan angry enough to leave, Jaekyung has to be the one to end things. I don't think it'll be Dan to walk away because 1. the debt 2. he'll feel really bad that he wasn't able to help with the jinx and feel even more awful that Jaekyung lost. He'll also blame himself. And overall Dan wants to support Jaekyung. So there's no reason he would leave him unless he got angry enough. Likelihood 3/5.
If Jaekyung fires Dan, maybe (because we know the entire team and coaches love Dan) the team will disagree with Jaekyung's decision (and they don't know about the jinx and their relationship/feelings) and walk away with Dan or just tell Jaekyung he's wrong. Either way, I think Jaekyung will stand behind his decision. So he may have a team that's upset with him or no team at all. 3/5.
Jaekyung loses and fires Dan, the team does nothing because they have no choice. There's a time skip with Jaekyung and Dan apart. 2/5, I think the team would at least try to convince Jaekyung that he was wrong to fire Dan.
Jaekyung loses the match and gets injured badly - either his shoulder or another injury - and he still blames Dan and fires him. But now he has to stop training to recover. 4/5. I think this is the most likely.
Like I said at the beginning of Jinx in a previous post, I HOPE that Jaekyung hits rock bottom. Hard. Then does some serious self reflection and realizes all of his mistakes and apologizes to Dan. Basically becomes a new man.
BUT the major thing to me is Dan's grandmother, because we know she's his #1 priority.
So, if Dan's grandmother passing away isn't part of them separating (which right now seems like it's not going to the case), I think it will be the reason they see each other again.
We know that Jaekyung seems to have a soft spot for her. He visited her in the hospital, chatted with her, and left a great impression. He didn't have to do -any- of that. But he did.
So, if after Dan's fired or they're separated for whatever reason, Jaekyung might seek Dan out to comfort him after he hears his grandmother passed away. Assuming there's at least a little time skip and he's done all of his self reflection beforehand. I think he'll secretly pay for a beautiful funeral or at least show up to pay his respects.
I'm also curious (worried) what would happen if Jaekyung doesn't fire Dan. Would he just abuse him more? Treat him so bad that Dan leaves him?? As always, I'm worried for Dan.
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Hmm, a random question to ask... What are some game series you like besides Mega Man games? Those are awesome, of course, but I don't remember if I ever asked you about other games.
(Oh, small edit: I’m serious on the “feel free to send in asks and bug me” bit, I’m not in school this semester and I’m. Very lonely.)
Well, Magia Record, but you knew that already.
I'm fond of the Project Diva games! I like rhythm games, even if I'm not practiced yet, and I'm a long-standing Vocaloid fan. I recently managed to get ahold of the Mega39's/MegaMix (no relation, sadly,) and it's been neat as well! Though I'm not forgiving them for replacing Sennen no Dousokuka with Snowman, god damnit.
Before I went AWOL from tumblr there for a while (late 2017 to early 2020, yeesh,) I posted a lot about The Stanley Parable as well, even though I couldn't play it since I didn't have a way to purchase it. Well, with the Ultra Deluxe release, I've been able to actually play it now! Except my mental state's been so unstable as of late that I've had to kinda shy away from it for a little bit. Actually, I've kinda had to shy away from a lot of games in general, partly due to just lack of energy from depression kicking my petunia, and partly because I can't get to some of the systems to set them up, because said lack of energy has caused me to not be able to clear up my room enough to do anything, much less play games. It's really annoying and I wish it'd stop.
Speaking of games I can't get to the system to play, I've had a copy of Mirror's Edge for a long time now, and I'm very fond of it, but... I've never actually gotten past the Edge and Flight part, the first real mission in the game... Well, I might have once, but it's. I'm not good at it. Also somehow I ended up with a Japanese copy, despite the game having been developed in the West? I don't know how that happened, but ah well. We have an Xbox One somewhere that got packed up in the move, and we've never been able to set it up. If I could actually find it at some point, I'd like to play the sequel Catalyst at some point. Also the series has a really, really damn good soundtrack, I beg of y'all please go listen to it.
And I think I've mentioned it somewhere before on this blog, maybe? But for a very long time, my favorite games were the Drawn to Life series, actually. In fact, my penname that I've used since the very beginning was named for the fox-like "Raposa" species in the game's world. Surprise, I don't speak Portuguese, just a little bit of Spanish. And what demoted the series from my favorite, you ask?
Summer 2017 when my friend gave me a copy... of Starforce 1. Aye.
Oh, and until I lost them in the move, I was very fond of some of the Professor Layton games, but I never knew which games were in which order, so I kept getting confused, and I was too afraid of spoilers to look up the release order, because a) it's mostly a mystery series, and b) I've made the mistake before of looking up something like release dates or whatever on wikis and/or just Wikipedia and finding out a really major spoiler. Exhibit A: the Wikipedia article on Exe and me back in 2017 having only read the manga. God damnit.
There's probably lots more series I'd like if I could get into them, but I tend to shy away from new series and/or franchises unless someone drags me into them. Most of the games I've played have been one-off self-contained games that I saw mentioned somewhere and went "oh, that looks neat," or I ended up with a copy of one of the entries when I was really young and didn't fully grasp the idea of game series and playing in order (for instance, I got into Drawn to Life because my mother gave me a copy of The Next Chapter, the second game of the two, for Christmas back in 2009, since she saw the "drawn" in the title and went, "Oh, Rapo likes to draw!"; and back around the same time, I somehow ended up with a copy of the third Professor Layton game, "Unwound Future", and again, didn't know it was a later entry until Flora showed up and I had a "who dis" moment. Fun times.)
The only exceptions really being Magireco, which I wanted to play from its launch, but didn't know it was technically free-to-play until the anime aired, and I finally checked it out; and of course, Rockman, which was the fault of my friend convincing me to watch the Starforce anime (and also lent me his copies of the Exe manga,) and it was all downhill from there. I regularly give him hell over this, by the way.
#OK THIS WAS LONG SORRY#i know i'm associated with magireco by a number of folks but i don't know how much i'm associated with rockman#i mean. i think given how little activity there is in the starforce tag my posts actually take up a fair bit of the more recent entries#which means i gotta up my numbers ya know?#crystalmemoria#rapo answers#i don't really know that i should tag this with any of the series uh#correct me if i'm wrong#now back to the hellish museum fight 45 and that damned leila#STOP DRAINING MY MP WOMAN-#OH I NEVER MENTIONED KINGDOM OF LOATHING#but i mean i haven't logged in since 2020's Crimbo and. uh.#i should do that.#anyways if any of y'all play that. i go by koigunka in game come say hi i might see it
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Hyunjae | Butterfly Effect
↪ Summary: After a dangerous fire, Hyunjae is unable to hide his feelings for you.
Word Count: 3,5k
Warnings: Suggestive | Fire | Friends To Lovers | Heavy Making Out
Genre: Hyunjae x Reader | HYUNJAE FIREFIGHTER AU | Female Reader
Dedicated to my fav deobi friend @santacruz-sand <3
Human beings are known for their daily mistakes. We used to say that every day we make a mistake, some don't make that much difference, others can change the course of your life, better known as the butterfly effect. Each action has its reaction, gradually shaping the path you will take in life.
Some say that this is fate, that no matter how much you try to escape, it will happen. Others prefer to believe that you create your own destiny. I didn't believe in any of these theories, in fact, I always preferred to think that it is easier to do your best every day than to be disappointed by the path you took because you thought that this was your destiny after all.
The greatest example that my theory was real, was seeing how my best friend lived. Every single day he left early, before the sun came up, and came back when it was night. Being a firefighter required perfection in his form, discipline, punctuality, courage to face his fears, and a lot of willingness to risk his own life for the benefit of society.
I watched him cautiously, analyzing his ways and manners. The way he slammed the gate hard to make sure it was locked, or how he sighed and gave a silly smile when he managed to do something he liked, but what I liked most was the way he struggled every day to cheer people's lives.
- ▪︎ -
"[NAME], do your best every day and no one will have the courage to speak ill of the way you live." He said with his red cheeks and heavy eyes from the soju he drank.
"What are you talking about? I live very well, you're the one who lives next to my house and keeps risking your life." I laughed, fixing up his fringe that was messy "You're already starting to get drunk, let's go home." I got up pulling on his shirt and he made a weeping face.
"[NAME], why are you so mean to me?" He said slyly and I lifted him up with all my strength hugging him around the waist "Hyunjae, come on, you need to rest." He sighed and started walking making a pout on his lips.
"Stop pouting, you know you need to rest. You work a lot and when you take a break you want to drink soju and philosophize about life with me." I commented while walking down the dark street.
"But you are my best friend, you have to listen to me." I laughed at his comment "If you paid me I could even quit my job, after all, listening to you is all I do." "That's why I love you." He chuckled and put his head on my shoulder as I opened the door to his house, after entering the password.
"I love you too, so go to sleep." I tossed him on the bed and he smiled happily hugging his soft pillow.
- ▪︎ -
It was almost always like this. Hyunjae coming to my house to vent about life, I laugh while making some cards to post on my Instagram and the company. Being a calligraphy artist was a happy part of my life, being able to decorate bookstores, houses, gifts was something that gave me the strength to live.
Hyunjae was such an essential part of my life, that I only realized when our mutual friend asked why we lived so close to each other. My first thought was to think that it would be easier to go out, have fun and talk. My second thought was that I was completely in love with him, and I didn't want to admit it.
It was complicated, an old love that I knew had no way out, but nothing was going to change because I couldn't find any nice guys. I lived with Hyunjae and I had already accepted my condition. Romance went from something I dreamed of as a teenager, to something I value as an adult, but not as much as my sanity.
It was easier to live with Hyunjae than having to go on blind dates with bizarre guys that our friend Sunwoo arranged (probably from the deep web). And I keep ignoring my feelings, being inspired by its way of life.
That day was more beautiful than usual. The sun was shining brightly, the sky was clear and blue, the traffic seemed calm and the weather was perfect for an outdoor meeting, perhaps a date in the park. The subway was surprisingly empty, although it was very early, and I was completely rested.
It seemed like the perfect working day. I had made many cards at the company, sent some orders by mail, and placed new orders for a major literature event that would take place at the company. Lunch was great and our boss was in a good mood telling stories from when she was in college.
The day had gone well, my colleagues finished their jobs earlier than expected so we were able to go out early and eat fried chicken in a new restaurant near the company. I returned home happy and completely shocked at how perfect my day had been.
I got home and changed my shoes. I took a relaxing bath while listening to the news of the day through my radio hanging from the bathroom sink.
"URGENT NEWS! THERE IS A FIRE IN A BUSINESS BUILDING LOCATED IN THE GANGNAM REGION, MANY ARE THREATENING TO JUMP THROUGH THE WINDOWS. SOURCES CONFIRM THAT THE FIRE STARTED BY THE BAD WIRING THAT HAS NOT BEEN CORRECTLY REPLACED. THE FIREFIGHTERS HAVE JUST ARRIVED AND ARE PREPARING TO RELEASE THE PLACE AND REMOVE SURVIVORS. ”
I immediately turned off the shower, drying myself quickly, putting on any clothes, and going to the living room to turn on the TV and see the news.
All the channels were talking about the fire. It even seemed ironic, as I had a great day, and now a building near my company was on fire, and I had to see desperate people on the TV screen.
My heart stopped and my eyes lit up when I recognized Hyunjae running away with a long sheet and other men helping him from afar. This was apparently what he was supposed to do, try to stay calm and help people in a tragedy that could cost their lives.
“FIREFIGHTERS MOBILIZED QUICKLY AND SURVIVORS ARE GETTING TO THE GROUND SAFELY. THE FIRE HAS BEEN CONTROLLED AND WE HAVE NO NEWS FROM ANY VICTIMS IN SERIOUS STATE UNTIL THE MOMENT-” The woman turned and the cameraman filmed Hyunjae leaving the scene with a woman unconscious in his arms “THIS YOUNG BRAVE MAN REMOVED THE LAST VICTIM FROM THE LOCATION. AMBULANCE HAS ARRIVED AND WILL TREAT EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY. ”
I closed my fists tightly, my mouth dried and my heart sped up. Hyunjae had entered that burning building, risking his life, to save another one.
The fire subsided until it was extinguished. Reporters were still talking about how the police were already investigating everything and how fortunately no lives were lost and the victims had only minor injuries. I sighed with relief and sent a message to Hyunjae, congratulating him, but mostly asking how he was doing.
Me:
[Are you okay? I just saw it all on TV, I'm so worried!]
[I am proud of you, you were amazing.]
[I hope you're all right, send a message when you see this.]
Received.
I sighed and laid down on my bed covering my eyes trying to remember that he was fine.
"Nothing happened."
"Hyunjae is fine. No need to worry."
I was trying to convince myself that he was fine, alive, and doing his job, but my heart couldn't calm down. I decided to take a light tranquilizer and lie down again.
Maybe he would answer me in the morning, I would wait patiently and everything would be fine.
I turned on some drama on TV while I was busy watching cute animals on Youtube to pass the time. After a few hours and having a quick nap, I was surprised by the ringing of my cell phone and saw that it was Hyunjae.
I got up and answered quickly.
“Hyunjae ?! Are you okay? Where are you?" I hurried over and felt him give a tired laugh on the other end of the phone.
“I'm outside your house, please open it for me. It's a little cold here. ” He made a little joke like he always does, maybe, trying to calm my worried mood.
"Okay, I'll be right back." I hung up the phone and ran out to the door.
I opened the door feeling my heart racing, my joints tingling from suddenly getting up and automatically everything calmed down when I saw his face.
He had his bangs glued to his forehead, his face was dirty with some ash. He still had his work uniform on and was holding some bandages probably bought from the pharmacy near our homes.
"I came for you to heal me." He gave a sarcastic smile as I felt relief wash over my entire body.
"Come on, staying in this serene is bad." I pulled him inside, locking the door and putting his usual shoe in the doorway.
"Unfortunately I bought anything I saw at the pharmacy, so I hope you help me, I'm deadly tired." He started talking quietly trying to hide how he was shaken by that night.
"Hyunjae... are you okay?" I asked seeing him sitting on a chair in the kitchen taking off his uniform, leaving only the standard white blouse and pants.
"Yeah." He said dryly biting his lip and looking away. The habit he made when he lied.
"Stop lying to me." I walked towards him crossing my arms “If you were really well, you would have gone home, answered on your cell phone, and slept in peace."
He sighed and looked at me with a look that made my whole body tremble. He looked scared, anxious, but mostly nervous about something.
"What is it?" I touched his cheek and he sighed, closing his eyes and leaning into my hand.
"I almost lost my mind today." He stood up scratching the back of his neck with a choked voice as if he were about to cry.
"What do you mean?" He looked at me so sincerely that I felt my heart soften.
"We were on the traffic patrol when we heard the call." He laughed, but it was sad. "When they said the address, and I realized it was on the same street as your job, I despaired."
My eyes flew open and he sat on the edge of the couch burying his fingers in his dirty, messy hair.
“I thought you could be there and I lost it. When I got there, all I could think about was you.” I approached and realized that in fact, his eyes were watery "I know I should be concerned with other people, but I could only think ‘What if it is her building? What if she is there? What if she is in danger? What if I can't save her?’ And I went into eternal despair.”
I felt my heart racing so fast it could come out of my mouth.
"I-I didn't care if other people were hurt, as long as you were fine..." He looked at me and I felt a huge urge to hold his face "And it scares me. The way I was afraid of losing you and I couldn't think rationally, on the professional side.”
I sat next to him listening to everything he had to say.
"Hyunjae, anyone would feel the same way, you don't have to feel guilty about it." I wiped away his tears and held his cheeks in the palm of my hands "I would have done the same, thinking about you all the time."
He gave a smile sniffing before holding my hands.
"But it's different this time." He said before looking into my eyes with an invisible force that made me nervous "I thought nothing would make sense if I didn't have you by my side."
I took a deep breath trying to follow his argument.
"I don't want to lose you." He whispered as if it were a forbidden confession "You are the most important person in the whole world to me." He touched my cheek with the palm of his hand "You know that, don't you?" He swallowed hard, leaning his forehead against mine.
I took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair.
"I know Hyunjae, you are also the most special person for me." I said seeing how he had relaxed a little more "Now get up, you need to take a shower and put bandages on these cuts."
I stood up first, but I felt his hand close to my fist. He was taller than me, not so much, but his body was so strong that it made me feel small around him.
"What? Come on, you're very tired. ” I took the lead before I felt him pulling me again.
"[NAME]." He said hoarsely as I studied his face curiously.
Hyunjae was too different that night.
“What is it Hyunjae? Your face is dirty, you need to take a shower. ” I touched my hips trying to understand what he wanted.
Hyunjae approached pulling my wrist towards him before giving a kiss there.
"Come with me." He said making me petrified on the spot.
"W-WHAT?!" I asked nervously as I felt my heart pound so loudly that I was afraid he might hear "I-That's not funny, Hyunjae."
He released my fist and pulled me by the hip, staring deep into my eyes.
"I'm not kidding." I felt a shiver down my back when he admitted it wasn't a joke or a friend flirt "I got tired of pretending I don't feel anything for you."
I couldn't say anything, I was too shocked to reply.
“[NAME], you are the most important person to me and I don't want to live any longer having to treat you just like a best friend.” He touched my chin and raised my gaze to his “Please, be honest with me. Am I just a best friend to you? ”
I felt his gaze enter my soul and I knew I had no way to lie anymore, this was the only chance I would have to admit what I feel.
"No." I swallowed and stared at his mouth, which formed a small smile of satisfaction.
It was amazing the effect that Hyunjae had on me. Even if I wanted to run away, I wouldn't be able to lie because it was already obvious from the way I act.
"Great." I felt my stomach churn when I felt his left hand hold me tighter as his right landed on my cheek, making his thumb touch my chin, caressing it. "I hope you don't mind this."
"Mind wha—" I could barely finish the question and I felt his lips on mine.
I pulled away unintentionally from the shock and looked into his eyes that seemed to be staring at me with an indescribable fire. I swallowed and felt my heart racing as he just smirked sideways, as if he knew what I was thinking.
He approached me slowly, touching our noses and I closed my eyes feeling his breath warm my face. I felt my face heat up and my palms sweat when his lips brushed against mine again. I held on to his white blouse with the rest of my strength and waited for Hyunjae to close the distance that bothered me so much.
I felt his hand move and his fingers pulled my chin down, opening my mouth that was closed by shock. I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding and felt him laugh through his nose before wetting my bottom lip with his tongue lightly, kissing me gently.
I lifted my hands to his hair where I pulled slightly, feeling my back against the bathroom door. Hyunjae took a quick breath, trying desperately to open the bathroom door, trying not to break the kiss.
I opened my eyes after Hyunjae got rid of me, feeling my heart stop at the sight of him focused on trying to open the bathroom door. His face was flushed, but his ears seemed to burn at how red they were. His dark eyebrows were furrowed and his mouth was pink and inviting.
"Aish." Hyunjae said finally opening the bathroom making me smile slightly.
I held on to his blouse when I almost tripped over my own rug and Hyunjae grabbed my waist with his arm. He gave me a shy smile before leaning his body against mine, making me even more nervous.
His fingers played with the old buttons on my wool blouse. I held his neck intoxicating myself by his smell invading my senses. I felt a shiver down my spine when his fingers touched my skin gently, as if it were the most expensive porcelain that should be handled with care.
Hyunjae started the shower making me more and more nervous. He pushed me with some force making my back touch the tile on the cold wall of the bathroom. I felt his wet abdomen touching mine and tried to take his shirt off awkwardly making him laugh with amusement.
I looked into his eyes feeling my cheeks flush hard as I held his necklace in my hand. I smirked when I realized it was the gift I had given them for his last birthday. It was a sun necklace that was completed with another necklace, which was mine and was shaped like a moon.
I used to say that he was the sun that lit up my life and that reflected in me. I didn't expect him to wear it every day, because he is so critical of his clothes and his style, so I was surprised when I saw the jewel on his soft, wide collarbone.
"I-I like that necklace." He justified himself by making me smile as I felt my hair gradually get wet from the shower water.
I caressed his cheeks, removing all the dust and ashes from his face. He closed his eyes as I carefully wiped his face by raising my hands to his hair. My stomach churned when I kissed the corner of his jaw and he let out a long breath squeezing my waist.
"I like you." I confessed by kissing his neck, stroking his hair "Really."
"N-Noona." He said slyly in my ear making me smile. He only called me Noona when he was embarrassed "Don't do this to me."
"What?" I asked, acting like I didn't get his thoughts while looking at his beautiful body in front of me. I moved my hands down his chest feeling my whole body softening and looked him in the eyes hoping he understood the message I wanted to convey.
"You know." He responded by pinning me to the wall as he fiddled with the buttons on his pants, leaning his forehead against mine, chuckling through his nose.
I hugged him feeling slightly embarrassed when I felt him take off my bra and toss it on any floor in the bathroom. I closed my eyes tightly as I felt his lips kiss my neck slowly and lovingly.
"[NAME] ..." He sighed and kissed my collarbone "I-I know you like romantic guys, but the last thing I want to do now is to be patient and romantic with you."
I felt my whole body tremble and my thoughts were confused.
"I-Is this okay with you?" He asked suspiciously and I nodded, unable to speak, "Are you sure?"
I just answered him by kissing him again. He returned it immediately, deepening the kiss, holding me in his strong arms.
So, I closed my eyes and just let all those feelings accumulated from so long being satisfied without thinking about anything else.
- ▪︎ -
The truth was that love could come from anywhere, from a friendship for years, from a complete stranger, from a colleague at work or college. There are no limits to define where love should be born.
For Hyunjae and you, it was born out of years of extreme care. An affection that could not be limited by friendship, and by the undeniable attraction you felt for each other. There are people who spend years like this without the courage to declare themselves.
At that moment, a questioning is born within you. What if you hadn't declared yourself that night? What if you had run away? Hyunjae would probably walk away and leave your house feeling his heart broken. You weren't going to have the happy ending you wanted, and you could probably lose a precious friendship.
Ultimately, the butterfly effect has been proven and you should admit that your best 'mistake' was to have overcome your fear and admitted your senses. His best 'mistake' was sleeping with his best friend.
The question that remains is: Was that your destiny, or just the butterfly effect?
Ultimately, none of that mattered, because you both loved each other deeply.
▪︎
▪︎
MASTERLIST
#the boyz#tbz#the boyz scenarios#the boyz imagines#the boyz smut#lee jaehyun#hyunjae#jaehyun smut#hyunjae smut#hyunjae scenarios#jaehyun scenarios#lee jaehyun scenarios#hyunjae fluff#hyunjae imagines#the boyz hyunjae#tbz hyunjae#the boyz jaehyun#tbz jaehyun#the boyz x reader#hyunjae x reader#hyunjae drabbles#the boyz hyunjae smut#the boyz hyunjae fluff#the boyz fluff#the boyz hyunjae scenarios#the boyz hyunjae imagines#hyunjae fics#Hyunjae fics
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There for You | Part 1 of 3 | A Harlivy Fanfiction
Summary: After Harley finds Ivy in tears on the floor of the bathroom, realization dawns on her about how hard the past year had been on Ivy, from literally dying (1x12) to mind control. (2x12) They have a heartfelt conversation about the events leading up to the moment, and learn that sometimes it's ok to confide in the ones you care for. (Based on the scene from Eat Bang! Kill Tour: Issue #1)
Hurt/Comfort | TW: Past trauma mentions, slight hints of past abuse. | Spoilers for Harley Quinn: The Animated Series & Eat Bang! Kill Tour: Issue #1
See bottom for extra notes!
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"...Ive?" Harley's eyes widened as she rounded a corner and was greeted with a sight that made her heart ache.
Ivy sat on the bathroom floor, head buried in her hands as her whole body shook with sobs.
Harley was immediately kneeling by her side, arms wrapping protectively around her girlfriend without a second of hesitation. "Shh. It's alright, Ive. Everything's going to be ok…" Ivy had been acting strange since the wedding, but she hadn't been willing to open up to Harley. Now Harley was beyond worried, it was clearly more serious than the redhead had been letting on.
Ivy immediately relaxed into the blonde, tucking her face into Harley's chest. Eventually her sobs quieted down, but Harley could feel her trembling as she held her. While she tried to figure out what to say, she rubbed Ivy’s back comfortingly.
After a couple moments of silence, after holding Ivy, feeling her tremble, listening to her uneven breathing… seeing her tear stained cheeks… realization began to dawn on Harley. God, she was so stupid and oblivious! She’d been so focused on her own feelings, she hadn’t even begun to consider Ivy’s… and how hard it must’ve been, being stuck in the middle of everything.
“Ivy… I'm sorry. I’m so sorry… I’ve been so caught up in my own feelings, I hadn’t given any thought to how heavy all of this must weigh on you…” She brushed a strand of hair from Ivy’s face before continuing. “You’ve been through so much this past year, and I’ve been a pretty shitty friend. I should’ve been there for you, I should’ve helped you, should’ve protected you… and if I could go back in time and do it all differently, I would. A thousand times over.”
“...but I can’t, and that’s something I’ll regret as long as I live. Yet you’ve always been there for me, even when I created huge messes… when I joined the Legion of Doom, when I went back to Joker, when I released an army of parademons, when the Injustice League froze me… god, that last one sucked. Yet you rescued me. You always rescue me, Ive. Always help me. Always take care of me, even though I’m not sure I deserve it most of the time…” Harley looked away, shutting her eyes for a moment before forcing herself to continue. “...Ivy, you don’t have to pretend to be strong in front of me. You’re hurting… and that’s ok. We all hurt sometimes, but that doesn’t make us weak… or… or less human. I’m here now though. I want to share that burden with you, if you’ll let me.” Harley looked back at Ivy, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. “I love you, Ive. I love you so much… and if you ever… yknow, want to talk about… well, anything at all, really… I just want you to know I’m here.”
Ivy turned her head away, and the next few minutes passed slowly in silence. Harley held Ivy, didn’t once let go, but with each passing second she became increasingly worried she’d done something wrong. Was it something she’d said? Oh god, had she made it worse?
“Ive, I didn’t mean-”
“Harley.” Ivy pulled away slightly, raising her head so she could meet Harley’s wide blue eyes. “I-” She paused, choking back a sob. “I hurt you, I hurt Chuck… I hurt so many people… all because I didn’t know what I wanted then… and to be honest, I’m not sure what I want now, either…”
Harley’s heart dropped, and she opened her mouth to respond before Ivy cut her off.
“-...but Harley… so much has happened. You’ve made mistakes, I’ve made mistakes… and you’re trying to change… that’s good, and I’m proud of you… but you're right, we can’t change the past, no matter how hard we try.” Ivy shut her eyes, letting out a shaky exhale before continuing. “Opening up… relationships… hell, just being around other people is… is hard for me… but you showed me the good in humanity. That not all humans are… are monsters. My life before I met you… was… lonely. Even with all my plants, I had nobody to talk to. Nobody to confide in… but I liked it that way. It was safe. Nobody was going to judge me, or… or abandon me... and I guess that’s why I… why I chose Chuck… because he was the safer option.”
I trust you, with my life… but I don’t trust you with my heart.
Harley winced inwardly, but she understood where Ivy was coming from. Harley definitely didn’t have the best track record with… well, anything really.
So I… I’m marrying Kiteman.
“I was… I was scared. Scared that if I… if I went with what my heart was telling me, it was just going to get broken… and after everything, I just… I couldn’t stand the idea of that happening. Of losing you again…” Ivy trailed off, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes.
You were my one friend, and I asked you for one favor, but instead you ditched me for the Joker, who treats you like shit!
“Ivy… I had no idea you felt that way.” Harley spoke softly, using her free hand to lift Ivy’s chin so she could look into those beautiful green eyes… eyes whose depths she often found herself lost in. “I… didn’t know what I really wanted then. It was like… like I was trying to fill a hole inside me… like part of me was missing… and then, that night at the pit…” She smiled, using her thumb to brush a tear from Ivy’s cheek. “That was one of the most amazing nights of my life. I hadn’t realized… I hadn’t realized what it felt like to have someone else care about you. To have someone love you. Joker definitely never cared about me… not in the way you do… and... y'know, maybe I didn’t deserve it. Like I said, I haven’t always been the most reliable… but that changes today… if you’ll give me a shot, that is…”
Ivy looked up at Harley as she brushed the tear away, and smiled sadly. “...You’re trying to change… and that’s what matters. Harls, I do love you. A lot…. More than I care to admit… and… this whole relationship thing is new to me, but… I’m… I’m willing to give it a shot. To give you a shot… and today… today was proof of how much you’ve changed. How much you’re willing to sacrifice for others…” Ivy rested her head on Harley’s shoulder, but her mind was clearly wandering.
“...but that’s not all that’s troubling you, is it?”
“...perceptive as always.” Ivy chuckled halfheartedly, then looked away again. “It’s… it’s fine. It’s nothing important…”
“Well, I am a psychiatrist… but seriously Ive, you can tell me anything.” Harley stroked her cheek. “You know that.”
“Harley, I really don’t want to talk about it… can we just… can you help me out of this dress?”
“...yeah. Sure thing.” Harley stood up before reaching out a hand to help Ivy up. She definitely wasn’t going to let this drop that easily, but Ivy clearly didn’t want to talk anymore right now… so instead Harley busied herself with the zipper of Ivy’s wedding dress and the sights underneath.
- End of part 1 -
I think all of it copied and pasted? If it looks like anything is missing please lmk!
This... this is what quarantine, lack of sleep, and having covid does to you. Helps you get over writers block. This is my first work I've gone public with, and originally I wasn't going to post it but a friend gave me the confidence to share it! So... here it is, I guess?
I was going to post it on Archives of Our Own too, but I have to wait till the 14th to get an account. 😐
Comments mean the world, even if it's just a couple words. I'll even take criticism to heart! By commenting you all can let me know what you think, and if you want to see the other parts...
Any interaction is appreciated, and my inbox and dms are always open! Thank you, and have a great day! (Or night!)
#harlivy#harley quinn#poison ivy#harleen quinzel#pamela isley#harley quinn animated series#eat bang kill tour#harlivy fanfiction
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Loki x Sylvie Post-Finale Fanfiction (Angst, Rated Teen) Part 2 of 2
Part 1 is here:
She never knew it would hurt this much when the person she loves is right in front of her, but she can't reach out and touch him; when she is still her, he is still him, but everything else has changed, like an invisible lever in an old theatre changing the scenery in the background, bringing them both to the part of the play where they are hopelessly lost.
[[MORE]]
All it took was one single moment, one single decision, and everything feels irrevocably broken now. It makes her contemplate on the true nature of relationships, how fragile they are, and how easy it is to shatter them- and her.
The smoke is slowly clearing, and all that seems to be left is a man who is doing his best to keep his distance from her, physically and emotionally.
She can tell from the way he stands with his arms crossed, or his fists clenced when his hands are by his side, that he really doesn't want to hold her hand. How can something so simple as the touch of his fingers be so vital to her existence that it feels like something has been ripped out from inside her?
She wants to reach out and touch him, but she is scared that if he pulls away outright, any hope of reconciliation that she still has left will shatter into pieces.
And she really needs this hope. It's the only thing she still has left. It's the only thing that keeps her going.
---
He looks like a man with a mission.
They spent quite a long time together, running from the TVA, running towards the citadel at the end of time, hoping to achieve their goal of bringing down the one behind the curtains.
But that was her mission, and he was there for her. She was the one behind the wheels, he was the one keeping the sails afloat.
Now it's different. Now he has a defined goal, a glorious purpose.
She's seeing him in a whole new light now, and not just because he has switched to Asgardian leather and metal armors.
As far as she is concerned, she is better off doing it all alone. One woman army, nobody to get in her way, nobody to screw up her plans. Nobody to blame her if it all goes to shit.
Or so it was, until two months ago, when Mobius decided to enlist her help in fixing the multiversal madness.
She has never really worked with people before, and it's weird, to say the least. She never considered herself a team player, but she is finding herself hating the idea less and less lately.
And she swears it has nothing to do with him. Not the fact that they are working together, and seeing his face first thing in the morning brings her a sense of calm that she quite can't explain. Or the fact that their rooms are next to each other and it makes her feel secure enough to finally get some rest at nights. Or that this whole arrangement has kept them on talking terms, when they had gone their own separate ways otherwise.
Nothing to do with that at all.
---
Humans are stupid, and the biggest evidence of this is how they decided that two extremely powerful Gods skilled at magic, enchantment, and defeating an evil extra dimensional cloud that swallows everything it touches, should be delegated to the role of research. "You're clever. You're good at reading people. You can put yourselves in the shoes of the bad guys, no offense", they said, but really, what they meant was, "We can't trust you out in the field much." She knows it, he knows it. She just doesn't know why he's complying.
That's how they find themselves researching every single day.
She likes to think he's not the only reason why she's studying in the library instead of in the comfort of her room, but that'd be a lie.
At first, he chooses to sit at a separate table. But she keeps going over to his to "get his opinion" on something in the file she's reading, and finally, he gives in. Their current arrangement consists of him sitting in the chair in front of her, to the left, prim and proper, while she hoists her feet up on the table.
He falls asleep on the desk one night, face smacked against a file, the tiniest bit of drool forming at the corner of his mouth. It would be a hilarious sight, if her heart wasn't feeling what she can only describe as longing.
They should probably talk about it, like mature adults, but neither of them know how to do that.
All she can do right now is gather the courage to run her fingers through his hair. The touch is hesitant at first, as if one wrong move would make him wake up and push her back to square one. Slowly, she relaxes, letting her fingers dance on his scalp.
He stirs in his sleep. "Please Sif. I'm sorry. Don't cut off my glorious locks, please."
Now this is a story she must hear when things are better.
If things are better.
---
Doctor Strange joins them very briefly, very rarely, but the tension between him and Loki is hard to miss. It's worse than the current situation with her, and that's saying something.
"You don't really like Stephen, do you?"
Something inside him seems to shift, but he masks it behind a non-chalant look immediately and just arches an eyebrow at her. "He's Stephen now, is he?"
"Well, that is his name." She shrugs. "What do you call him?"
"Strange", he spits the word out with an amount of irritation that indicates there definitely is a story there. "That is his name", he mimics.
She can't help the smirk that spreads across her lips. "What did he do to you?"
"Nothing", he lies, ignoring the horrifying flashbacks of thirty minutes of endless falling. Not a single soul must ever know a mere human got the best of him. "What can he do to me? I'm a God among those mortals. He just irks me because he is so pompous, and arrogant, and he ceaselessly uses magic to toy with others."
She pretends to think deeply. "Now where have I seen that before?"
He scoffs. "You mock me, but I am nothing like him. For one, I am not rude."
"He seems fine to me", she declares decisively.
It's the first time in months that he gives her a cheeky grin. "That's because you're rude too."
---
They are still just containing the threats to their world, instead of finding a way to fortify the barriers between worlds and stop the threats from coming.
"Shouldn't we have a plan to seal off the other worlds from ours?" She asks him one day.
"They are working on it." He tells her, and then with a look of worry, adds, "I hope."
There are debates on what to do at the Avengers tower and at the TVA. Nobody seems to agree on what the best course of action is, but everyone seems to be following the general instructions of Doctor Strange.
During one such meeting, a Minuteman makes the mistake of voicing out loud how she wondered if things would be better if they were running according to their old boss's plans.
Sylvie feels the guilt wash over her once more.
"No", Loki tells them all firmly. The determination in his voice takes her completely by surprise. "Evil is evil. Lesser, greater, middling, makes no difference. The degree is arbitrary. The definition’s blurred." She catches him steal a glance at her direction. "We couldn't have left a dictator in charge just because it's convenient. Listen, I'm the bad guy. I've done horrible, unspeakable things. I thought humans needed to be ruled. I wanted to rule. But even I know that it's not right to take away a person's life completely. These are innocent people. You are innocent people. You have families back home, parents, children", a pause and a softening of his features, "-love. A whole past, a whole future. That man had no right to take it away from you."
His powers of persuasion are foreign to her, and it's mesmerizing to watch. Her enchantments cannot hold a candle to how he is able to just talk people into doing what he wants, thinking what he thinks, seeing what he sees.
"He who remains had a plan. One, singular plan, from one, singular man." There is absolute conviction in his voice. "It's not the only way. We'll find another way. A better way."
She has never known what it is like to have someone see you for who you are- broken and flawed, and defend you- even your well-intentioned actions that yielded different results than what you expected and hurt them in the process. She suspects it has been the same for him, a lifetime of not having anyone have his back.
The warm feeling inside her is brand new. What is the name of this? Comfort? Relief?
Happiness?
---
This will be their first time out in the field in a long time, and she feels a little sick to the stomach.
He notices. "Are you alright?"
The concern in his voice tugs at her heartstrings. She nods. She has faced way worse, she shouldn't be so nervous about this, but she is. "I've never done this before."
"We can always just kill him and blame it on the Chitauris", he suggests with a serious face.
"I heard that", Peter yells from the other room, where he is doing whatever it is that teenagers do to prepare for battle.
She shakes her head in disbelief. "I can't believe we're babysitting."
"I've done this before", he assures her, and it surprises her to picture him being entrusted with such a serious task. "The trick is to conjure up illusions that keep them distracted enough to not cry."
She laughs. "You're thinking of infants. This one is a little older."
"I'm over a thousand years old, Sylvie. They're all infants to me."
Peter joins them, mask covering his face so that he doesn't reveal his identity. "So what do I call you? Loki and Loki? That's confusing. How about Loki and Lady Loki? Or is that offensive? I'm not suggesting women are inferior, because they're absolutely not..."
"Does he come with an off switch?" She whispers in horror as Peter rambles on.
Loki grins. With one wave of his hand and a flash of green, Peter's own webbing shoots out and seals his mouth shut.
---
Things are fine but not fine at the same time. He's right there beside her, but not there at all. They have their banters, they have their stolen glances, but they haven't had a meaningful conversation since that first day when she got back. She's been putting it off for a long time, but she knows they really do need to have the talk.
She corners him in his room one evening while he's tinkering with a temporal collar. She takes a seat in the chair next to his bed and rests her hand on the table, leaning her head against her palm, before switching position and crossing her arms and legs. Everything about her posture screams uneasiness. If he notices- he probably does- he doesn't say anything.
"You defended me that day."
He briefly looks up from the task at hand and gives her a soft smile. "Of course."
She blinks. "I don't understand." Her hands involuntary rise up to rub her temples. "If you can justify my actions to them, then how can you still be mad at me?"
"I'm not mad at you", he says without missing a beat.
"Rubbish", her words come out angrier than she intended. This frustration is the result of the months of status quo they have had. She has to know now, one way or the other. "You're distant. You're guarded", she accuses. Then her voice breaks, as she feels a part of her break all over again with her next words. "You don't hold my hand. Why? Tell me."
He abandons the collar and focuses his full attention on her. Staring straight into her eyes, he answers her. "You know why."
"I wouldn't be asking if I did. Look, if it's because I chose the mission over you-"
"-Of course it's not that." He says decisively. Then a sad smile clouds his face. It's the same look he had when she accused him of conning her to gain the throne. "Do you think I'm the type of man who would want a woman to abandon her life-long ambitions just because she has met someone?"
She knows he isn't. But it still doesn't answer why he is so cross with her. "What is it then?"
He pauses for a moment, trying to decide whether he wants to bare his soul out to her once more or not. There are two ways he can go from here- choose to not let her in again and save himself from the hurt, or trust her again and open himself up to potential pain.
Who is he kidding? Pushing her away- keeping her away- doesn't hurt any less.
There were a thousand things that had to go wrong to bring two Lokis from two universes together. A connection like that, it doesn't just happen.
And it doesn't just go away. The pain is constant, it's a part of him, pounding like a second heart every second he has to stop himself from reaching out for her hand.
This has to come to an end.
He takes in a deep breath, bracing himself. "You didn't have to send me away, Sylvie. I wanted to stop you from making the same mistakes I did. But in the end, I didn't care what you chose. I just wanted us to do it together."
She never even imagined this could be the reason for his hurt. All these months spent thinking he hates her for her choices, and now it turns out he is hurt simply because she chose to do it alone? "I'm sorry." She says sincerely. "I just wanted you to be safe."
"And I just wanted to be there with you till the end." He confesses. His eyes shimmer with the emotions he has kept bottled in for so long. "You go, I go."
She doesn't know what to say to that. She has never been good at articulating her feelings. Tears stream down her cheeks at the realisation that even after everything, he is still there for her.
She didn't cry even back at Lamentis when they thought they were going to die. She doesn't let anyone see her cry when she is sad or scared. That's all she has known her whole life. She's used to it by now.
This is new. These are tears of relief. Comfort.
Happiness.
Tentatively, she crosses over to the bed and sits by his side.
It's quiet for a few minutes. But unlike the months of tension so thick she could cut it into splices with her daggers, this is comfortable silence. The kind they had before it all went wrong.
"Did you even miss me?" He whispers.
"What kind of silly question is that? Of course I did." Her shaking hands grab his, and oh how she missed this.
He intertwines their fingers. His eyes draw closed. Bliss. That's the only word for this feeling.
He opens his eyes again and studies her. She's staring back at him, teary-eyed, but with a hopeful smile. "Really? Because you have a really unique way of showing it. You didn't even come looking for me."
"I didn't know how to face you", she tells him honestly. No tricks, no enchantment, no treachery. Not with him. "I didn't know if you even wanted to see me." Her voice grows quieter, dropping to a timbre that perfectly encapsulates her deepest fear. "I thought you hated me."
"Hate you?" He is shocked that she thinks that is even possible, specially after seeing him these last few months. "Sylvie, I'm working with the Avengers. The Avengers. Do you know how much I hate them? They are my nemesis. They're self-righteous, condescending, and so completely dull. Every second with them makes me want to rip their hearts out. Why do you think I'm here with them?"
She thinks she knows. But she needs to hear it anyway.
"It's because of you." He lays it all out on the table. All cards on deck, win or lose. "You've been running away. I have been the one who has been here, trying to hold down the fort, working to fix everything. Because that is what one does when one loves-"
Shit. The word slips out before he realises it.
Their eyes go wide in unison.
"Sylvie, I-"
"-Don't you dare take it back now." She warns him. "I-" She doesn't know how to say it either. They make such a great pair, both equally daft at saying how they feel, like they are teenagers, not Gods who have lived for centuries. "I've been running because I didn't think I could bear the burden of knowing I found you and then I lost you. I don't want to lose you. Not now, not ever."
He kisses the back of her hand, before letting it go. He cups her face, gently caressing her cheeks with his thumbs. "I don't want to lose you either."
She leans in closer, until their foreheads touch. She can feel his breath on her face, warm and soft. That is exactly how she feels inside. "You won't", she promises. "You go, I go."
---
(Quote on Lesser Evil from The Witcher. Thanks for reading!!)
#fanfiction#fanfic#loki#loki disney+#loki x sylvie#sylki#sylvie laufeydottir#sylvie x loki#pro sylki
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Is it cheating to submit a fic request for the pride post you just made? I neeeed the whole thing (I'm on my laptop, but insert the big gay eyes emoji)
fjskdgjslg "big gay eyes emoji" you know what? just for you. just for you i have written this. i'll clean it up and upload to ao3 later but for now: have 2.7k of len dragging a sunburnt, tipsy, and glitter-covered barry back to his apartment, and happy pride!
Len wasn’t the type to begrudge anyone a good time, especially when the good time involved loud music, leather harnesses, and throwing water bottles at cops. Central City’s annual pride parade came as close as it got to challenging that attitude; families, fellow queers, and queens descended on the city waving more flags than the United Nations after a hurricane, all decked out in color combinations that Len hadn’t been able to keep straight since the ‘80s.
The end result was the kind of crowds that could make a grown man feel claustrophobic in the middle of a city block, and that was without the visible haze of alcohol wafting off the whole event.
But what the parade lacked in personal space, it made up for with one very important commodity: unattended wallets.
The flock of sunburnt twinks in denim cut-offs made Len’s job almost too easy—a hand on a sweat-slicked lower back, a flash of blue eyes, and most of them wouldn’t have noticed their wallets going missing if Len had dangled their IDs in front of their faces afterwards. (While there were plenty of women dressed in just as little clothing whom Len certainly wouldn’t have minded getting within robbing distance of, he’d found queer women as a group to be less enthusiastic about uninvited touching and more enthusiastic about wallet chains, even when three sheets to the wind off of canned rosé.)
He’d taught a dozen visiting suburbanites the importance of not keeping valuables in their back pockets by the time he spotted a familiar profile in the crowd.
His usual red getup wasn’t much more modest than some of the outfits Len had already seen, but even knowing the shape of that body didn’t prepare Len for seeing Barry Allen stripped to the waist, bright-eyed and flushed and shimmering all over with a fine dusting of glitter. Len noted, on auto-pilot, that it didn’t seem like he’d put any of the glitter there himself; he was standing dangerously close to a drag queen throwing handfuls of the stuff on anyone who got within arm’s reach of her. It set the sun refracting off every dip and plane of muscle across Barry’s chest and stomach. Barry’s hair, already wild and dark at the roots with sweat, was full of it.
Len’s feet were carrying him closer before he gave himself permission to move. Barry managed to drag Len into his orbit at the best of times; visibly tipsy and dripping sweat, Len would’ve had better luck resisting the turning of the earth.
Up close, Len could take that Barry had lost his shirt somewhat recently; the slight touch of pink spanning his shoulders and chest had nothing on the serious flush across his cheekbones and the bridge of his nose. He had a spray of new freckles as well. They were barely distinguishable under the haze of glitter stuck to his skin, but Len noticed them at once, the change unmistakable on an otherwise unchanging face (not a scar to be seen, even after three years of running into burning buildings and jumping in front of bullets; Len was equal parts frustrated and relieved).
It looked like someone had painted a few strokes of color across one of his cheeks at some point, but it was smudged to hell and back. The back of one of Barry’s hands was stained a tell-tale matching purple, and Len could only guess at what it had been at the start of the day.
He stepped into Barry’s space as easily as he had the rest, taking care to keep Barry between him and the source of the glitter, and hesitated for the briefest moment with his hand above Barry’s spine. He’d never touched Barry like this, skin to skin; the gloves had never come off between them, metaphorically or literally. Kept things neat.
Nothing about Barry was neat right now. He turned even before Len touched him, and the movement brought Len’s hand into contact with his side instead. It took everything in Len not to pull it back in a flinch, and he met Barry’s curious glance with a tightly-controlled smirk.
He’d expected Barry to step back, maybe add a bit of blush to those already-pink cheeks. Instead, Barry’s eyes took a belated second to focus, and then he gave Len a face-splitting grin.
“Snart!”
That time, Len did have to pull backwards to avoid Barry dragging him in for a hug. To think he’d been concerned about a hand.
Barry didn’t seem the least bit put out, smiling loose and easy like Len hadn’t iced him to the door of a bank vault the last time they’d seen each other. He hadn’t taken Barry for such a cheerful drunk—he seemed inclined toward melodrama on a good day—but Len would take it over any of the alternatives.
“Barry. Fancy seeing you here. And so much of you, at that.” He let his gaze slide down his bare chest and stomach, pulse ticking up at the warm brown of his nipples and the sharp vee of his hipbones that invited his gaze further down.
“You’re overdressed,” Barry disagreed. He wasn’t quite slurring, but there was a careful deliberation in his tone that told Len it was a near thing. He took a step closer and peered at Len, suspicion evident in those pale green eyes. “And… sober.”
“I’m not here to score. Perks include keeping my shirt on.”
For the briefest second, Barry looked almost disappointed. But it was gone in a blink, confusion taking over. He glanced down at himself, puzzled. Then his expression cleared, and he looked up with another easy-going smile. “I got hot.” His gaze dropped again, to Len this time, and he licked his lips. “Aren’t you… you gotta be hot in all that.”
Len was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and thin jacket, and it hadn’t hit eighty degrees all week. But he wasn’t in the mood to argue with drunk logic. And besides, another scan of the nearby revelers had made something unpleasant begin to scratch insistently at the inside of Len’s chest, and he tapped Barry under the chin with one knuckle to bring his attention back up.
The contact startled both of them—Len’s control had slipped, something he could not afford to happen around Barry Allen—but Len recovered first. “Where’s the rest of your team of do-gooders?”
“Lost ‘em.” Judging by the return of Barry’s crooked grin, it was an accomplishment, not a concern. “Cisco said the shot was too strong, but I didn’t wanna go. He’s the d…” He faltered, brows pulling together as he frowned. “S’the designed. Designinated, superhero, anyway. Shh!”
He shot a pointer finger toward Len in a movement that Len clocked, alarmingly, as intending to be pressed to his lips, as if he were the one who’d been chatting about Vibe’s secret identity. Len had three years of dealing with the Flash to thank for being able to catch Barry’s wrist in time to stop him, and he glared at him for the attempt.
But Barry only gave him a crinkle-eyed smile and twisted his hand in Len’s grip to clasp his wrist back. “S’so good to see you here. I didn’t think…”
“Don’t tell me you had me pegged for straight.”
Barry made a frankly insulting noise halfway between a scoff and a hiccup and tilted Len a condescending look.
“Speedster, remember?” he asked, far too loudly, even for a crowd currently screaming along to a pop song that’d been bad enough the first time Len’d heard it in 2000. “I see it when you...” He let go of Len’s wrist to make a gesture with two fingers, parting them in a V and sweeping them up and down Len’s body, the muscles in his forearm shifting distractingly under Len’s hand. God, the kid had to be a hundred degrees. “When you check me out. In the suit.”
Len smirked. “It’s cute you thought I was being subtle.”
“You’re cute,” Barry muttered, childish and sulky, and Len took it for the compliment it wasn’t.
“You had a point, Barry.”
Barry still looked displeased with him, but his brow was furrowed again when he met his gaze. This close, it was impossible to ignore that Barry had an inch or so on him. “About what?”
“You didn’t think…?” Len prompted him.
Barry stared at him blankly, and Len rolled his eyes and let go of his wrist.
“Get out of the sun, Barry,” he said. “Find a park bench. Wait for your little friends to come find you. Shouldn’t be hard—you’re as red as your suit.”
Barry either ignored his last comment or didn’t hear it. “Iris is here somewhere,” he said, possibly to himself. “She’s…” He twirled his finger absently beside his head. “Curly, today. And… bikini.”
Len strongly considered abandoning Barry to his sunburn to go find out for himself. But Barry was beginning to sway a bit, and a man closer to Len’s age than Barry’s was giving Barry’s toned back a speculative look from a few feet away, and Len gave in to the unsettled feeling gnawing at his ribcage. He refused to call it worry. It was annoyance—or, at the very least, the feeling was annoying him, which was close enough.
“As much a sight for sore eyes as that would be,” he said, allowing a magnanimousness he didn’t feel to color his tone, “I doubt Miss West ran away from her group and got heatstroke. Unlike some people”
Barry didn’t look the least bit chastened, lips curving up mischievously in a way that drew another couple interested looks. Len needed to get them both out of the crowd before he started breaking noses.
“Tell you what. Give Cisco a call, tell him you went home. My bike’s on Kingsbridge, away from the parade route.”
Barry’s smirk sharpened. “Trying to get me out of here, Snart? I thought you weren’t here to score.”
Len gave him a flat look, ignoring the decidedly interested way his body was reacting to Barry’s tone.
“You can barely stand.”
Barry’s eyes glittered at the challenge, and Len realized his mistake.
“Barry—”
He hadn’t even finished biting out the second syllable when the world spun out from under him, the noise and the heat and the press of the crowd swallowed up in a hair-raising charge of yellow lightning. Exactly two and a half seconds passed in a blur of movement, just long enough for Len to realize Barry was supporting the back of his head with one too-warm hand. Then the world came skidding to a stop around them. Barry’s momentum carried them both forward several feet even after their new surroundings materialized, and they very nearly went straight through a window again before Barry seemed to remember how to stop.
Len considered pushing him out the window anyway for the stunt. True, he’d been itching to get another taste of that feeling, the ozone snap-drag of Barry’s power like a live wire under his hands, but he’d rather have waited until Barry could pass a breathalizer.
He realized Barry still had an arm around him and shoved him off. It did nothing to dim Barry’s self-satisfied grin, and Len had to look away or risk giving into the interested once-over Barry was skimming over his body again.
“Pretty sure the point of a designated driver is not doing that.”
Barry followed him when he took a step back. Len made a calculated decision, decided the risk of touching Barry again was worth it, and pressed his fingers to the middle of Barry’s chest—right where the Flash insignia would be on his suit, his brain offered unhelpfully—and pushed him backwards, hard.
Barry unbalanced and wheeled back a step. Then the backs of his knees hit the edge of the couch, and he toppled, satisfyingly, back onto the dark leather cushions.
It was a nice couch. The whole apartment was nice, actually. Len could’ve drawn a perimeter of possible locations based on Barry’s speed and how long it had taken them to reach it if he hadn’t already known the address.
“Sit,” he said. And then, with a smirk: “Stay.”
Barry rolled his eyes. “Gonna have to ask nicer than that if you wanna boss me around in bed.”
The way he threw it out there, easy as anything, almost made Len miss a step as he turned away. He wasn’t going to lay a hand on Barry, not when he was drunk on sunlight and skin and whatever concoction Cisco had apparently cooked up for him. But hearing him say it, like they’d already gotten all of the messy parts out of the way—it set off warning bells in Len’s head, flashing past all the possible off-ramps he would’ve taken if Barry had ever tried to have the conversation in a more linear fashion.
“You’re drunk,” Len said, which was a coward’s answer, and behind him, Barry made a vague noise of agreement.
“Probably,” he acknowledged. “You could stick around ‘til I’m not.”
Christ. Len didn’t trust himself to look at Barry again, not when he knew he’d find him sprawled out and shedding glitter all over what had looked like a very expensive couch. “Stay,” he repeated, and went off to find the kitchen.
By the time he got back with two glasses of water, the problem had solved itself; Barry was out cold on the couch, his painting cheek pressed to the throw pillow he’d curled himself half-around. He was shivering faintly in the air conditioning, all cooled sweat and goosebumps, and Len resigned himself to the now-familiar impulse to help him that stirred in his chest. He put one of the glasses down on the table and, not trusting his hands, knocked his knee into one of Barry’s where it was bent close to the edge of the couch.
Barry buried his face into the pillow with a noise of displeasure, and Len said his name again.
“Last warning,” Len said. “Ten seconds, you find out if I put on steel-toed boots today.”
Barry groaned, and if the sound hadn’t made Len’s pulse skip, the easy shift of muscles in Barry’s arm as he pushed himself up to sitting again would’ve done the trick.
“Water,” Len said, unnecessarily, as he passed him the glass.
Barry took it with the tips of his fingers, as if it were something personally offensive to him, and took a single, polite sip before putting it down beside the other with no small amount of distaste. Then he glanced between the glasses, and up at Len, a dirty spark already lighting behind his eyes again.
“Don’t get your hopes up. They’re both for you.”
Barry let out a breath with audible annoyance and dropped back against the couch cushions to glare at him.
Len felt a modicum of sanity return to him. This, at least, was familiar ground: Barry, frustrated, asking for too much, too soon. True, it had always been about the hero business until now, but Len knew a pattern when he saw one. Give Barry an inch, and he always took a mile.
Len gave Barry one last, appraising look. He looked ridiculous, all self-righteousness and bare skin. There was only one break in the otherwise even coat of glitter, there on Barry’s side: faint, but unmistakable, the outline of Len’s hand on his waist. The feeling in Len’s chest coalesced into something pleased and possessive. He met Barry’s glare with a slow curl of his lips, then gave him an inch.
“Call me when you’re sober, Barry,” he said, letting his voice slip into the Cold drawl just to watch Barry’s eyes go dark. “And you can show me how well you sit up and beg.”
He could see the impatience radiating off of Barry’s frame, the effort it was taking him to stay on the couch instead of closing the space between them.
“Call your friends,” he reminded him. “Enough people got a look at your face today without the CCPD splashing it on every milk carton, too.”
In the elevator, Len reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the thin black wallet he’d liberated from Barry during their sprint across the city. Two and a half seconds: child’s play. A little extra incentive for Barry to track him down in the morning, not that Len thought he needed it. He flipped it open, noted the deer-in-the-headlights picture of Barry on his driver’s license with amusement, and then thumbed open the bill compartment.
Len smirked. Barry wouldn’t miss a few dollars; he owed him for the dry-cleaning it was gonna take to get the glitter out of his jacket, anyway.
#coldflash#leonard snart#barry allen#the flash#my fics#is 10 pm on a tuesday peak posting time? no! is it when i finished this? yes!#also this is blatantly nyc pride sorry#write what you know etc
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BnHA Chapter 317: Thoughts & comparisons part 2 - THE OLD MAN AND THE KID
As mentioned in Part 1, I'm splitting my thoughts on Chapter 317 into 3 posts: this one about Deku and All Might (part 2), plus separate posts on the hero brain trust and the media (part 1) and the hero killer Stain (part 3).
* * * * * * * * * *
This part of the chapter was an emotional sucker punch and gave me strong "Gift of the Magi" vibes. All Might is trying to protect his boy by following him, and Deku is trying to protect his idol by saying goodbye. Unfortunately, there's no guarantee of safety for anyone right now, so their "gifts" of protection are unusable. All Might isn't safe whether All Might follows Deku or stays behind. Same for Deku -- his loved ones aren't safe whether he accepts their help or not. It's the harsh reality of what AFO does. The real thing that All Might and Deku need to focus on isn't giving each other the "gift" of safety, but on how strong their bond is.
The main stumbling block is that Deku STILL idolizes All Might (as All Might recognized a few chapters ago). As the adult, it was on All Might to speak up, but he didn't because he's scared to disappoint his boy. He already knows the pain of disappointing a fanboy, so this would take it to a whole new level. But if he really wants to keep Izuku in his life, he MUST risk it and tell the kid all the things he wishes someone had told him. As I wrote previously (between Ch 315-16) it's maddening because we know All Might is capable of having this kind of frank talk with Izuku -- he did it all the way back in Ch 2. All Might saw Izuku overworking himself and modified the workout plan to moderate Izuku's extreme behavior, which would have prevented Izuku from reaching his ultimate goal if left unchecked. So yeah, All Might knows better, and knows he can’t stand idly by while his kid makes a massive deadly mistake. When a child doesn’t have the capacity to help themselves and the consequences are serious, an adult HAS to step in and help ASAP. Talk to the kid, talk to the kid’s friends/teachers, talk to professionals. Keep going until your kid gets the help they need, because even if a parent/guardian can’t help directly, it’s their responsibility to find that help for their kid. Haven’t we learned anything from the lost children in the League of Villains?
Meanwhile, Deku doesn't see All Might as a human who loves Izuku Midoriya. I think, in part due to his being bullied and his innate tendency to not take himself into account, he sees All Might's devotion to him as part of a predecessor-successor relationship. Deku will struggle as long as he sees "All Might" as an ideal and not the human in front of him. (Admittedly, I thought the HPSC storyline might go here and disclose All Might’s awareness of some “grey” missions, causing Deku to look at his mentor through a different lens.) But even now, Deku is trying to have an "I AM HERE" moment so All Might is proud of his successor, but fails to realize All Might is ALREADY PROUD (in part because All Might hasn't vocalized it in a way that Deku can truly hear it). The "You don't look back at me anymore..." in context is immediately followed up by this glowing Dadmight moment:
It only becomes a sad moment in retrospect as All Might realizes (1) he didn't really tell Deku explicitly how proud he was often enough; and (2) the full weight of what it means to nurture a child towards independence (and that his boy is just like him, and is heading towards the same fate as him....)
While I definitely think Bakugo will knock some sense into Deku, I still think All Might is the only one that can truly “release” Deku from these burdens, especially the ones related to the “Symbol of Peace” and the Shimura family that are tied directly to All Might. We see this in Deku’s callbacks:
Nana in the vestige world sobbing over her mistake in giving up Kotaro, saying she and Gran Torino were wrong, and testing Deku’s resolve to save Shigaraki. Juxtaposed with Gran Torino saying, "I should have made the kill...sorry...don't be so rigid. Killing can be another way to save someone," and Shigaraki screaming in emotional pain, “I don’t care if you understand. That’s what makes us heroes and villains!” It’s not just AFO — it’s the weight of generations and broken families on Deku’s shoulders. It’s All Might’s failure to save Shigaraki earlier that has become Deku’s problem now.
Post-USJ Deku meeting with All Might, talking about the first time he used OFA without breaking himself, and All Might pressuring Deku to become the Symbol of Peace. Even though All Might no longer feels that way, and SO MUCH has happened since then, he never clearly said so to Deku, and Deku keeps that weight on himself. The past never dies.
Deku is overwhelmed and destined for a poor decision that will hurt someone or himself, which would definitely play into the media's (and AFO's) hands. First, note the flashback inception with Deku recalling the post-USJ All Might meeting, which itself contains a flashback to Thirteen lecturing about how uncontrolled quirks can kill.
Second, the image of the defeated assassin is downright ominous, with the way All Might is shown above Deku's shoulder like a conscience [Edit: see @codenamesazanka's post here for a Spinner parallel!!] and the way the villain is tied up with his head hanging back, mouth open, eyes rolled back…. Deku and All Might are in shadow, and the villain is in the light…. no real attempt to talk to or understand the villain, just what he knows of AFO……SO MUCH POWER in a volatile teenager with too much responsibility and too few physical and emotional reserves. This won't end well.
Ok, time to bring the real Dadmight pain. All Might dives to save Midoriya and falls. The only other time he’s fallen flat on the ground like that is when he dove to save the random lady during the Cider House incident (which we got in the anime last week). In that fight, All Might needed a guardian gremlin to save him from falling debris. Hopefully that means he’ll go to UA and find young Bakugo soon, and he won't do something dumb and sacrificial in the meantime. WHO SAVES THE (EX-) HEROES?
All Might is a genuinely good person with good intentions, and he drove himself into the ground to help others, but he’s NOT a god. He’s not infallible or omniscient. He has tunnel vision from pursing the same mission from age 14 to, uh, 50-something, and is learning how to function as a "normal" adult. He never asked for help before, and in fact, considered it shameful (even in Kamino). He needs to follow the advice he was going to give to Deku, and reach out to others to save his little boy and himself. He’s still very much capable of inspiring others, even if he needs to rest sometimes. And with that, we cut to Stain, an extremist who believes in self-sacrifice and idolizes prime All Might. Cue Part 3...
A few other points:
Nobody in this arc (including Deku) seems to be using All Might as a resource based on his decades of experience with the media OR with AFO, and it really bothers me. Why is All Might excluded from the brain trust? They’re acting like All Might is useless because he’s quirkless and no longer a ranked hero, but he's still got his brain and his memories. Are Endeavor, Hawks, and Mt Lady really going to chat with Edgeshot and sort it all out??? Will Jeanist's fiber puns stop AFO??? Ugh. This is why hero society as we know it needs to be radically reworked; these top heroes are misusing resources and NOT TALKING to people who might actually have useful info. Does a "hero" need to wear a costume or hold a license to use their brain?
Will anyone tell Inko???? I posted before about this chapter's reference to All Might promising her that he’ll keep Deku safe. But she generally only appears after Deku gets a big advancement of some sort, so I don't know if she'll pop up soon...although I feel like she might need to? (E.g., my pet theory is that we only get her note in the hospital after the forest raid because Deku saved Kota but failed to save Bakugo.) Who else has "lifted up" All Might except Izuku, Inko, and Aizawa -- and Aizawa is probably not in a place to do heavy emotional labor right now???
Others have noted the outreached hand parallels (PAIN!) so I won’t belabor that. BUT look at All Might’s hand, how it is first outstretched and then starting to curl as he realizes he can’t reach Deku in time. Also, how small and frail All Might's hand looks as it curls up. He's normally drawn with huge hands (as big as Deku’s head) so to see his hands look equal in size to Deku’s shows Deku’s growth. Also, contrast this set of hands moving apart with how we saw hands moving together at Kamino, where All Might’s fighting inspired fearlessness. Hopefully All Might can “fight” here too, and inspire the next generation to to amazing things.
#bnha#mha#bnha spoilers#mha spoilers#bnha 317#mha 317#toshinori yagi#yagi toshinori#all might#bnha all might#mha all might#izuku midoriya#midoriya izuku#mha izuku#mha Deku#bnha izuku#bnha deku#dadmight#Deku#bnha meta#long post#dad might
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*1) did you read the end of AoT, or hear about it? Has your opinion about aot changed during those years? now that it's all over I can definitely say that I'm disappointed and deeply hurt (especially with the death of my babies sasha and hange) although for some reasons different from yours. I understand if you don't want to talk about aot anymore, but the thing is,
Hi, hello, thanks for sending this almost out of nowhere. I really appreciate it! (Like, genuinely. That isn't sarcasm.)
I do recall that post I wrote about characterization, because I believe I also had a request to do one for Hange (which I think I did? I feel like there was a hideous artwork I did to go with it and I remember that way more than the post). I can't believe how long ago that was LOL!
I'll hit on a couple of points, or try to. I'm super flattered that you'd come to me for characterization help/advice... FeelsGoodMan. I mean, I'm kind of a washed up ol' fanfic writer now (blows the dust off of my works) but the one thing I've always tried to do is write right by the characters. They are the reason people are clicking on your story, after all; you'd best write them right.
(I fully acknowledge that I was not always successful in this endeavor. Of all the levihan works I put out into the world, the picky picky new me would probably chuck about half of them in the landfill for being OOC.)
I did not catch up fully on the series, though I do still follow a couple of people who read to the end so I have a kind-of moderate understanding of what happened (props to them, by the way; you are stronger and braver than me).
I think I've made peace with the series going a direction I had not anticipated and did not like. At least...to an extent. I'm sure with the right people I could spew endless rants into the air, but the reality is this: sometimes things evolve and change in a way that you, the audience, either:
1. Are not happy with.
2. Do Not Like.
3. Are disgusted/revolted/angered/saddened by.
These are three separate points because honestly, I think if the degree of unhappiness with a direction your favorite series takes is low, or even at the Definitely Don't Like That point, you're not likely to drop the thing, especially not cold turkey.
However, if that direction makes you feel a strong negative emotion, and makes you feel it for long enough—because the shift has a lasting impact for whatever reason—you may find it's in your best interest to, uh...part ways.
And when I say this, I don't just mean This Series! The same issue is taking place in my current fandom as well, to the point where I even made a post talking about it—about how hard it is to feel those sorts of disappointments, rage, fear... I know it sounds silly but when you write fanfiction, draw art, engage in a fandom by making friends or interacting with fanworks...you emotionally invest yourself in it. That makes it hard to let go, but sometimes you do have to ask yourself: should I, though?
That full post is for another day or maybe never (idk, if anyone wants to read that hit me up), but I let go of SnK. It started out interesting but before the timeskip they'd already lost me. It ended up becoming a series that was not meant for me. I've accepted it! And when I've kind of low-key paid attention to what was going on in the series (because even though I dropped it, I still wanted to know how it ended; I mean sure I'm nosy af, but I didn't invest myself into the series for four years only to lose interest in knowing how it ended) it just further solidified my understanding and belief that I did the right thing in dropping it.
Anyway, unfortunately I cannot offer you any "updated" advice for either character, because I'm just so separated from the series it's like...I've lost touch with them (if that makes sense). The one thing I think is probably true though, is that Hange and Levi are the types of characters whose core essences would not be significantly altered by temporary or short-term circumstances. And when I say short-term, I mean relative to how long they've already lived. Yes, Hange undoubtedly gets more "serious" and depressed as time goes on, but it's not as if she's lost what makes her her. Circumstances force her to put on that brave face and take charge where necessary, to put more energy toward serious discussions and making difficult decisions, but the curiosity, the desire to protect humanity: that would never go away. After all, Hange's curiosity, her drive to Do Good in the World: all of that came along way before the newest set of circumstances. So it's still there—she's still Hange. It's just...this looming disastrous new issue is in play and it requires a lot of energy that she used to devote to other things (and can no longer afford to).
I have no earthly idea if any of that will help you, but the most important thing about characterization is to try and put yourself into the shoes of the characters you're writing. Try to fully immerse yourself. Don't make the mistake of thinking, "What would Hange do?" and then really writing what YOU would do in that same circumstance. Pull from canon where you can to get a better grasp on characterization, ask a friend you trust (not a Yes Man kind of friend—someone who isn't afraid to tell you that your idea is OOC), write down character traits that you've seen to help you recall them more easily.
One last advice: no one is perfect at character writing. We all make mistakes or bite off more than we can chew with a character. Heck, the creator himself made sure we knew what a genius Erwin was and then had him form the most hare-brained dumbass plan ever (the suicide run YES I AM STILL SALTY I LOST MY BOY MARLOWE!!!). The key is always going to be to think twice. At least with fanfic you have the option of being able to take as much time as you want because you don't have deadlines to meet, so you can iron out issues like that (provided you can catch them, but you can also find yourself a lovely beta-reader to assist in those matters). Heck, if you try to write something and you realize you're out of your league, you can simply Not Post It, saving yourself a lot of pain and suffering. (Even I do this more often than I want to admit!)
Best of luck out there, and if you think of anything else feel free to send me another message. I hope this was at least one percent useful lmao.
#answered mail#anonymously asked#thoughts about writing#advice from a washed up old fanfic writer#i've gotten a good number of comments on my levihan fics recently#and tons of kudos lol
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William grossman: becoming a pasta
(also i mention my OC amari here but they're just friends and roommates here. No romantic things)(also this might be kinda long and I mention some stuff about my creepypasta AU so if you don't wanna be confused you can check it out!)
Like I mentioned in an old post, will and LJ went on a lot of self discovery adventures for Will.
It was always will's dream to become a popular killer like Jeff but sense he couldn't actually bring himself to kill someone, he would doubt himself a lot and would sometimes just be so upset or angry at himself
Will: maybe coming to the underworld was a mistake.. I shouldn't have come here...
LJ: come on bud! There's gotta be something here you're good at!
They had literally tried many things.
Will worked for a surgeon for literally a day before he got fired. He couldn't bring himself to dissect someone. Yes he had seen dead bodies before out on the street but he couldn't bring himself to be the one to actually commit to doing it
He also tried to be a bounty hunter/hitman but, ended up quitting immediately after he was told to kill a family
He even worked at a black market that was hiring someone to just care for the oragans they sold. It was going pretty well but, lets say it was will's first time seeing an actual beating human heart
Will: what else could I be good at?!? Everything here involves killing! And I can't even kill someone if it depended on my damn life...
LJ: you could still try for your dream of being a slender proxy!
Will: but being a proxy involves killing! Maybe I should just go back to the human world... I don't even have my mark! I didn't get a permanent smile like Jeff or red bleeding eyes like ben!
Amari: I don't have any cool marks either!
Will: but atleast you got skulls shapes on your eyes! I didn't get anything! Maybe I just wasn't meant to be here...
Amari hated seeing will so upset. She knew his dream was to work for slenderman, and obviously, she wanted him to achieve it. She got lucky and worked for him from time to time, so she was sure she could talk to slender and see if will had a chance.
How he met slenderman
Amari went to see her boss a few days later. AKA slenderman. She explained to him his situation and, he actually wanted to meet him!
Slenderman isn't judgemental like many in the underworld think he is. He can see potential in someone even at their lowest.
She obviously went to the apartment to tell will the good news
Amari: will! You aren't going to believe this but i talked to slenderman about you and....he wants to see you!
Will: what?!? Are you serious?!
Amari: yep!
Will: holy shit!! Let me take a quick shower then!
Will took a shower and once he was ready he followed amari to the slender mansion.
Once they got there, masky did the regular check for weapons on him (it's normal for them to check new people that go into slenderman's meeting room just to make sure of any weapons or suspicious items)
Will was calm but was holding in his inner fanboy.
"I can't believe I'm seeing slender's most valuable proxy!!! Holy shit!!!"
LJ wasn't all that excited sense he already knew pretty much every pasta and knew what it was like living in the mansion/manor.
LJ: "what a hassle...."
LJ wasn't really aware of all the dangers the proxies tried to prevent. He just saw it as a way to show off their wealth and to think they were better than others
Once they were clear, masky took them to the meeting room
Even if will wasn't sure if he could get a chance working with slenderman, there was one thing he was definetly certain of.
Get their autographs
No way he was gonna waste his visit to the slender mansion and NOT get their autographs.
Masky: you may go inside
Will: um....could i get your autograph please?
Masky: oh, yes
Will: yes!! *takes out a scrapbook he made* here!
Masky: *signs in* there
Will: thank you so much!!!
LJ: come on! You look like a dork!
Will: ok ok! And I'm not gonna waste my visit and not get their autographs *goes into the meeting room*
Once they got in they were immediately greeted by slenderman
"Glad you came here william, please, take a seat"
William was so excited by seeing slenderman in person but was also terrified about what he would think of him.
Will became really shy and nervous while talking
Slenderman: so i heard you were interested in working with me later on but you had a few doubts on your own abilities, could you tell me more?
Will: i um....*fidgeting with his fingers*
LJ: he wants to be a proxy but he has trouble actually killing someone. So we wanna know his chances of actually becoming one
Slenderman: ah I see, well I'll have to look at some other assets, do you have any school documents?
Will: *nods and takes out a folder with his school papers*
These kind of meetings were actually pretty common so slenderman already knew what to look for in school documents
Will's grades weren't that good tbh
He had many subjects he struggled with. On his report cards, pretty much every subject had D's and C's, and the occasional F's. Only is P. E he had a B.
Slenderman usually looked for atleast a B average
Though the only straight A's that will got, were in chemistry
Slenderman: I see you're proficient in chemistry, how come that's the only subject you get A's in?
Will: well um.... It's pretty much the only subject that I like....
Slenderman: may I ask what your under realm mark you for when you arrived here?
Will: i didn't get anything...
Slender seemed kinda surprised at his answer.
He opened up a locked drawer on his desk and took out a heavy book and went through the pages and stopped at one with a picture of a hand with lines
Slenderman: may I see your hand?
Will: uh... Sure? *shows him his hand*
Slenderman seemed really intrigued with will's hand.
LJ and Amari were extremely confused.
Amari knew pretty much the process of these type of meetings but when she was applying as an apprentice for slenderman, slender didn't ask to see her hand like he did with will
Once slender was done checking will's hand, he looked through more of his records
LJ: um.... So what do you think? He has a bit of potential right?
Slenderman seemed lost in though for a second but replied
"William, have you ever took any.... Magic classes or considered taking one?"
The three of them were surprised.
Like, magic? They knew that magic existed in the underworld but why would he think will would Want to study it?
Magic is a really complicated subject and depending on what element you were granted or want to control, it takes a lot of discipline and training and it is rarely recommended to the top students at the institution sense it was pretty much college level
LJ: why do you ask that?
Will: yeah I mean... I'm barely passing and I don't know if my grades are even good enough for me to graduate this year.
Slenderman: well i don't know how you didn't see this before but, look
Slenderman turned the book to their direction
LJ and amari were shocked
LJ: will you?!?
Will: *looking at the book and at his hand* wait....holy shi-i mean oh my god! I have powers?!
Slenderman: i looked through your records and i see you're part of the grossman family.
LJ: uh yeah he had a great grandpa but how does that explain this? He never had any sort of contact with magic
Slenderman: maybe not him exactly but, she did
Slenderman pulled out a picture from isaac's record folder (all demons and rulers from hell and the under realm have a record of their citizens) and pulled out the picture of a woman
Slenderman: she's ida grossman. Isaac grossman's great grandmother. She was killed for practising witchcraft. It would explain why will was granted magic here in the under realm.
LJ: sense he has this power, how come i never saw it before? I've been with him ever sense he was born!
Slenderman: well his power is still undeveloped sense he never had any proper training or took any classes. He has the mark on his hand but if he wants to actually use his abilities, he'll need to start practicing.
LJ now understood, and was happy for will
LJ: how can he start?
Slenderman: well,i have a proxy named sherry that knows about this, she could be will's tutor. Also I have been really interested in getting an apprentice with magical abilities but it has been difficult finding one, but if will wants to work with me then..
Slenderman took out an apprentice application
Slenderman: I could take him in as my personal sorcerer
LJ: well, what do ya say bud? Do you wan-
Will: yes!!!!!
Will didn't even think twice on his answer. Of course he wanted to work as slenderman's apprentice in magic.
He felt like his life had literally no direction but now everything was changing. He felt more confident than ever
LJ: do these classes have a price or somethin'?
Slenderman: it's usually 50 per class in a normal school but it depends if my proxy wants to charge for them or not sense she teaches them individually.
Will: oh....
Amari: ah don't worry i can pay for them!
Will: you don't gotta do that!
Amari: it's fine! You're my friend, we should help each other out
Slenderman: so I'm guessing that it's settled then?
Will: yeah!
Slenderman: alright then, I'll just need a signature of your parent or guardian on the application
LJ gave his signature
Slenderman: thank you. Well you're ready to go. All you need to do now is finish your last month at the institution and once you're done, I'll have amari bring you here again to start your training.
Will: yes! Thank you! Um one more thing, could I get your autograph sir?
Slenderman: oh yes of course!
Once slenderman signed his notebook they thanked him and were free to go
Who knew that will was more special than many thought he was.
I hope you guys liked this! I'll be making more parts!
Also i know will wasn't really developed in the Creeps comic so I kinda let myself create his character more.
Also this was inspired by a headcanon I saw where will was granted powers so I wanted to include that into his character.
#mine#my post#creepypasta#Will grossman#william grossman#Slenderman#Laughing jack#creepypasta oc#Isaac grossman
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Why Hisoka decided to kill the troupe ?
Analysis in two parts:
1- Hisoka's pre-fight personality
2- Hisoka's post fight psychological change
Part 1 -
Let us make a point on Hisoka's character.
Hisoka's a character who takes pleasure in fighting strong opponents, it's his reason for living, it's like a drug in the proper sense of the term. If he doesn't fight for a long time, or if he's about to fight and - for whatever reason - the fight doesn't start, he'll kill anyone to satisfy his need and calm his excitement. This happens, for example, during hunter exam after meeting Kurapika and Leorio (= satisfying his need), or after Illumi's meeting with Killua and Alluka (= calming his excitement).
Other than that, he carefully chooses his opponents and will even refuse fights if he judges that the person isn't worth it.
Hisoka's incredibly patient. In order to fight Chrollo, he'll put in a lot of effort. He joins the spiders - which already isn't an easy task - and waits for three years that an opportunity presents itself, so that he finds himself alone with the leader and can fight him. The other members don't interest him - except maybe Machi to a much lesser extent.
After Chrollo lost his Nen, Hisoka assists the troupe in search for the exorcist. Shizuku assumes that Chrollo promised him a fight in exchange for his help. It's not known how long Chrollo's deprived of his Nen, whats certain is that several months go by.
Abengan's Nen works like this: he invokes a Nen beast whose shape and size varies according to the curse's power posed by his user. The stronger the curse, the longer that will takes time- and you can be sure that Kurapika's chain was far more powerful than Genthru's bomb.
Later, we learn from Gitarakuru that after recovering his Nen, Chrollo fled. During this time, he returned to Meteor city to prepare his fight and steal various capacities - in particular that of the dean, Shalnark and Kortopi. Finally, after all these waiting years, Hisoka's finally rewarded and they'll fight in a place - that Chrollo himself chooses, as floor master : Celestial tower.
I'll not describe the fight, I can only advise those who haven't read the manga to go and find out for themselves. If I could sum it up in one word, it would be 'disappointing'. But not for us, readers, for Hisoka.
Chrollo used sneaky methods, avoiding to maximum close contacts with Hisoka, while sending his puppets to fight for him, waiting for opportunities to hit him critically. Warning! This isn't a criticism, I'm not saying it's something bad, these are just the facts.
We know that Chrollo's calculating and that beyond his extraordinary physical abilities, he distinguishes himself from others by his intelligence. For me, this fight is the very reflection of his personality, calculated like music paper and orchestrated by Chrollo as master of ceremonies.
It's also a nose thumb at the relationship they've always had. Hisoka spent more time killing puppets with no interest to reach Chrollo, rather than fighting him. He finds himself in the situation where he has always been.
At the time of his 'death', Hisoka made a pact with the Nen to bring him back to life. By using condition and oath - his death being the condition to be fulfilled - he wish that his heart's functions and his lungs will be restored. And from there, the troupe will have big problems.
Part 2 -
Spiders made several mistakes. When they inspected Hisoka's body, they were negligent. When Shalnark testified to Hisoka's death by asphyxiation, no one found his hands position strange. By that I mean they're seasoned Nen users, cold-blooded killers, they know that Nen gets stronger after death.
An important detail is that you can revive a suffocation victim - it shouldn't last too long of course, but it's not as if his head was cut off. And that's exactly what Hisoka will do.
He probably used Ken to absorb the explosion, surrounded his heart and his lungs with his Gum, then practiced a cardiac massage to resuscitate himself, - I pass about after-effects that his brain would normally have undergone, which is an ease logical scenario.
Machi said one interesting thing: '[Hisoka] still paid me in advance.' This means that she was in contact with him before, and Hisoka asked her to stitch up his wounds after the fight. Machi probably understood it as 'if I win the fight, can you heal me', but for Hisoka there was probably a double meaning: healing his wounds if they were too serious so that he do himself, or if he hadn't been in fit state to do it.
Biggest mistake spiders have made has been to underestimate Hisoka.
Towards fight's end (chap 355) when a puppets horde rush towards him, Hisoka has an angry expression. Hisoka's neutral facial expression is a mischievous pout, or in fights where he has to fight seriously, he has a concentrated expression.
It's extremely rare to see him angry, and I think his change of mind manifests himself at that time. Hisoka's face takes half a page's place and is a terrifying blackness, it's an important moment. All accumulated frustration since years literally explodes during this bitter taster fight.
When he wakes up, we don't immediately notice his change of mind, but when he speaks it's clearer.
'Reality knows how to wake you up.' Hisoka realizes - if not already done - that he'll not be able to defeat Chrollo with his usual methods.
A little higher, I said the trio had underestimated Hisoka but I also think of Chrollo. During the fight he was arrogant, explaining his abilities, inviting him to flee and then, telling him that isn't to taunt him - you can't make me believe thats true.
'If you've learned your lessons from this, then next time make sure to choose your opponent and the location you fight.' Machi's words complete Hisoka's decision, it was clearly not the thing to say to him at this precise moment.
This how Hisoka's change of mind worked for me. Hisoka's an irrational person but he killed with a certain consistent logic - strong ones who deserve his attention. His death - more precisely, circumstances of the fight leding to his death - played a major role in his transformation. He's no longer undefeated and has been ridiculed, Chrollo practically whistling when he sent his puppets against him.
'No matter where they go and who they are with, I won't stop until I kill them all' It's revenge.
His actions are no longer directed by the will to fight strong adversaries, they're guided by the outright brigade eradication.
Strangely, he leaves Machi alive. Don't tell me thats because he just wants she getting her message across to the other members, there were a thousand ways to warn Chrollo and the others without leaving her alive - and considering the awkward position she was in, he could have kill her without slightest concern. - In an interview, Togashi says that he didn't want to kill her at that time because he has other plans for her.
Kortopi was visibly relieving himself when he was killed. He was a pointless opponent for Hisoka, especially considering the situation in which he found himself. This proves once again his change of mind, it's a method of murderer.
Same method when he sends Kortopi's head to Shalnark. At that moment, Shalnark grabs his friend's head - which is edifying of stupidity - to verify that it's him, and Hisoka punches him.
On several occasions, I've read some people would have liked to see a real Shalnark vs Hisoka fight. But we had it, and difference in strength is too great. At that moment, it's true that Shalnark couldn't use his Hatsu, nevertheless he could still use his Nen but he didn't even had time to defend himself with his Ten.
We don't know if Hisoka kills Shalnark in one blow, it's possible that he survived for a moment. However, this isn't what the staging seems to evoke. The fight literally takes a half page, speed with which Hisoka starts the fight and shock's power when he hits Shalnark leaves no doubt as to the fight speed end. In addition, even though Hisoka's Nen strengthened, he was seriously injured - he was able to repair his limbs in appearance, but he has no healing ability like Machi or quick regeneration like an enhancer.
The last chapter page sounds like a real turning point. We knew Hisoka was sadistic, he likes to torture his opponents psychologically (cf: Kastro fight, Goto), but we had never seen him at work physically. After his fight, he took the trouble to stage the Shalnark's and Kortopi corpses, tying Shalnark to the swing like a puppet, refering to his ability and his fight against Chrollo.
Chapter ends abruptly with a sentence / thought from Hisoka: 'There are 10 left.'
Number 10 is interesting. At that moment, members still alive are the following: Phinks, Feitan, Machi, Kalluto, Nobunaga, Shizuku, Franklin, Bonorenov and Chrollo.
That makes 9. I consider that - even if he didn't see her die - Hisoka is aware of the Pakunoda's death. He spent a lot of time with members at Greed Island and Chrollo, it's impossible that he didn't learn it.
The 10th member is therefore Illumi - reader learns of his membership in the troupe only 20 chapters later -, he was therefore recruited before Hisoka announced his vendetta against spiders.
Last point I wanted to emphasize: when Hisoka says 'there is 10 left', he includes Chrollo. This shows that he no longer puts him on a pedestal, seeing him as the head or someone important. It's simply a leg to be eliminated.
Hisoka's personality has radically changed, he has finished playing.
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honey, i’m just trying to find my way to you
"Cute, but you had your chance."
When Tony realizes that he may have had an opportunity to date Ziva at some point during all the years they've known one other, he sets out to see if his chance is really gone after all. (set at the end of 10x4, "Lost at Sea")
↳ for @pro-bee, because this fic was started months ago after I was inspired by this simple but thought-provoking post
____________________
"Opened up my guitar case and all the songs were blue / I haunted all the alleys / Lord, I drifted down the valleys / Honey, I'm just trying to find my way to you."
— Gregory Alan Isakov, "Suitcase Full of Sparks"
____________________
"Ziva," Borin cuts in, interrupting Tony's awkward attempt to save face after Ziva outed the reality of he and McGee's 'hot Friday night dates'. "Drink?"
"Yes," Ziva agrees quickly, a smug smile rising to her lips as her teammates blink at her. "Thank you." She turns pointedly back to Tony and Mcgee. "Finally, someone has the decency to ask me to join them!"
She brushes past them both as Borin gives Gibbs a brief wave of goodbye, and she and her friend walk toward the elevator. Behind them, McGee and Tony are just starting to sort through that interaction.
"That's what this was about?" Tony realizes.
"She set us up because we didn't ask her out in the first place. How did we miss that?" McGee echoes.
Ziva rolls her eyes, and she and Borin snort and exchange looks when they hear Gibbs' response. "Better question is how are you gonna fix it?"
"Something tells me we're about to have company after all," Borin speculates wryly, and she's almost immediately proven right.
"Hold that door!" comes Tony's voice, right before the rest of him appears and blocks the progress of the closing car doors. "Oh, I'm in, I'm in." McGee follows right after.
Ziva raises her eyebrows at Borin. "They seem to think they are still invited to join us," she observes.
"We're not?" Tony asks, but he is soundly ignored.
"I think you're right," Borin agrees with Ziva as if no one has spoken. "What should we do? Do we let them come along?"
Ziva shrugs. "They were awfully rude, and they lied."
"That's true."
"Would it help if we say we're sorry?" McGee cuts in sheepishly.
"It certainly would not hurt," Ziva replies, finally acknowledging at least one of the men in the elevator.
"We are sorry. Really sorry," Tony says immediately, elbowing McGee. "Right, Elf Lord?"
McGee gives Tony a dirty look and massages his side. "Of course we are."
"They seem sincere enough to me… but it's up to you, Ziva," Borin offers, smirking.
"Hm… alright. They can come—but they are both on thin mice."
"Thin ice," McGee corrects. "Thanks, Ziva."
Ziva shakes her head in feigned exasperation and smiles. "McGee, just consider asking me out the next time you make 'Friday night date' plans again, yes?"
For some reason, that makes Tony look sharply at Ziva, giving her a look that she doesn't really understand. She meets his eye for a moment, raising her eyebrows in wordless query, but then McGee answers what she just said, interrupting the silent communication.
"You've got it," he promises.
Then the elevator reaches the ground floor, and the agents start to file out. No one notices that Tony hangs back for several long seconds, staying in place until the doors nearly close without him again. Only then does he rush after the other three, Gibbs' words repeating themselves loudly in his mind.
What are you gonna do to fix it?
If he had a chance, maybe he still does. Maybe it's time to have a little courage.
____________________
"Hey, Ziva."
Ziva turns to glance at Tony, her eyebrows raised. He grabs her arm for a second, holding her back while Borin and McGee walk on. "What did you mean when you said I had my chance?" he demands.
Ziva throws her head back and laughs, well used to matching Tony's teasing. "I am sure your imagination is up to answering that question for you."
"Come on, Ziva, be serious."
"Oh, I am. You have known me for how long now?"
"Um, I think it's been sev—"
"If you wanted a date," she interrupts, "you have had a long time to ask." With that, she breaks free from his grasp and starts to follow the others.
"Go on a date with me, then," Tony suggests loudly to Ziva's retreating back, surprising her and stopping her in her tracks. "It can't be too late. I think my chance is now."
Ziva turns around again to stare him down, analyzing his expression. "You cannot be serious."
"As a heart attack." Tony shrugs, and it seems very much so like he's joking this off as usual… but there's a strange vulnerability in his expression, like he fears rejection. He shouldn't, if he's just messing around.
Then again, Ziva had actually been teasing, too, but… "That is not a very romantic way to ask a woman out, Tony," she points out.
It becomes immediately clear that saying that was a mistake... because Tony's whole persona abruptly shifts, and he grins in a slightly unsettling way that makes Ziva nervous. "What do you want, then? Flowers? Chocolates? A song? Five people following me around with sombreros and trumpets and guitars?"
"I do not think a macaroni band would help your case."
"I think you mean a mariachi band, but… okay, noted. So, no to the band, and yes to everything else."
Ziva rolls her eyes. "Sure. That is exactly what I want," she agrees, sarcasm heavy in her tone... anything to stop this conversation. Then, deciding that discretion is the better part of valor, she marches forward without saying anything more.
"What was that about?" Borin asks her when she reaches where the others are walking.
"I will tell you later, when Stupid and Stupider are not around," Ziva answers, jerking her head at McGee and then at Tony, who has started jogging to catch up.
"Dumb and Dumber!" Tony corrects breathlessly as he falls in line with his friends.
"Yes, that, too."
"I should stop doing things that get me lumped in with Tony," McGee mutters to himself.
Continue reading on AO3 or ff.net...
#ncis#tiva#tony dinozzo#ziva david#10x04#lost at sea#tiva fanfiction#cynthia writes stuff too#cynthia’s gifs#i started this SO LONG AGO and then forgot about it and finished it this week#oops#decided it was time for fluff#sorry for personally attacking you with a fic you didn't actually ask for @pro-bee lmao
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A Breath of Fresh Air
The summer after my first year of theatre school, I was sleeping on the living room floor of my cousin's apartment in Toronto, trying to figure out what to do with my life. My cousin had been an actor before he became a quadriplegic in a car accident, and as I unadvisedly bemoaned my unemployment status, he said something like, "Seriously? You're complaining about your life? Don't make me burst a colostomy bag." He was right, of course. I wasn't in a wheelchair, though I did have a stepmother who had rendered me homeless because of her dislike for me. She was always saying things like, "Your hair can't be as ugly as that hat you're wearing." Or simply refusing to invite me to things like Christmas dinner. I always admired people with families. My boyfriend at the time was one of five kids who were always doing things together. Their house was always full of noise and activities. Even as a shiksa, I felt more at home there than with my stepbrothers and sisters, who never lost an opportunity to point out that I was weird. I wanted to stand up to them, but not wanting to cause my father any grief, I held my tongue and sought refuge elsewhere. It occurred to me that perhaps I was using the theatre as an opportunity to say things through characters that I couldn't find the courage to express myself.
The Toronto Star was still open on the kitchen table, and I rummage through the Want Ads, that dirty part of the newspaper near the back where complete strangers will soon become complete assholes in your life by forcing you to work menial jobs in humiliating uniforms for minimum wage.
"Find anything?" my cousin called from the bedroom, where two attendants helped wash and dress him.
"Social services are advertising for camp councilors to work with emotionally challenged kids."
"Oh yeah," He said. "That might suit you."
I'm not sure I knew what he meant but, I was beginning to think I'd outgrown my welcome. My cousin probably would have encouraged me to join the circus if the option had been available. Knowing my living room days were numbered, I thought it best to make an effort and apply.
I had no experience teaching drama—no experience working with kids and no experience going to or working at a camp. Despite all that, I was hired. It's worth noting that it's probably not a good sign if you get a job with no qualifications whatsoever.
My official position was Drama Councillor, and I prided myself that with only a year and half of theatre training behind me, I was well equipped to help others benefit from the wealth of my experience. I imagined myself, Maria Von Trapp, teaching children how to sing while they looked at me adoringly. Somehow, I conveniently blocked out the rebellious early stages she experienced and skipped straight to the good parts. Also, I might add, forgetting about the Nazis and having to climb over a mountain. Still, visions of me biking around camp with a group of happy campers behind me filled me with a sense of self-satisfaction.
As I packed my knapsack with deet and a secret stash of Twinkies, I thought of how only three weeks earlier I'd been in New York walking through Central Park and savoring Cappuccinos at outdoor cafés on Columbus. Now, here I was, ready for something different. The wilderness, I imagined, would be a welcome change—fresh air and loons instead of smog and sirens. I thought smugly about my classmates sweating behind visors at take-out windows shoveling fries into cardboard cups or wrapping sandwiches in tinfoil. Thumbs up to adventure, I told myself. The fact that I'd never once in my life enjoyed the great outdoors didn't factor into my mind. All of this changed with each accumulated minute of the 391 Kilometer drive north.
It was late afternoon when I arrived at the compound. Overcast, sullen, it was a place so secluded you'd need flares to find it. It had that distinct aura of someplace time forgot. A place left behind and neglected. In the brochure, the sun was shining, flowers filled the meadow, and you could practically hear laughter floating off the page. What I was looking at bore more of a resemblance to a situation in a Stephen King novel where camp councilors discover a pack of hungry teenage zombies have lured them to a seemingly idyllic retreat. Situated right in the heart of black fly country, I spent most of my days swatting insects so big they seem Jurassic.
During our orientation, child care workers warned us that children with mental health needs tend to run away - a lot and to keep strict attendance records and all eyes on them at all times. "These kids are resourceful and clever," they cautioned. I couldn't imagine being so determined you'd risk your life by escaping through the woods that surrounded us, but then again, I'd never been around children who weren't allowed cutlery before either
I shared my cabin with three other women with who I had absolutely nothing in common. Delia, a humorless 27-year-old cooking instructor who answered every question with a monosyllabic grunt, Jennifer, a 26-year old tennis instructor with massive blond ringlets who talked so quickly she sounded like a record on high speed, and an older aboriginal woman named Sunny who made us all dream catchers and offered advice about how to heal ourselves on days when we'd feel spent. "Remember, these kids need us," she said while purifying our cabin with sage. As I glanced around my assigned bunk, taking in the spider webs and loose floorboards, I had that sinking feeling that comes when you know you've made a terrible mistake. Before long, I was eating copious amounts of peanut butter on stale bagels amid a never-ending supply of starch. I'm not sure who thought it was a good idea to feed children with challenges like anxiety, depression, hyperactivity, and eating disorders copious amounts of sugar and carbs. It certainly did nothing to help them or me.
On the first day of class, I sat everyone in a circle. "Welcome to drama class," I said with a smile. "Let's begin by sharing with everyone a little bit about ourselves. Anything at all you'd like us to know?" A hand went up.
"I'm Tracy, and I hate my stupid ass brother. He can go straight to hell."
"Okay," I said, "That's a start. Who's next?"
Another hand. "I'm Jonathan, and this place sucks so much I wish it would burn to the ground!"
"Fair enough. Anyone else?"
"I'm Jo. I'm schizophrenic. So sometimes I'm Rachel and Julia. You'll know the difference because Rachel has a British dialect, and Julia talks slang."
"O-kay." I glanced at the social workers who sat on the edge of the room and looked at me with an expression that basically said, "We can't wait to see what you do next."
"Let's write a play," I suggested. "Write anything you want. Once you're happy with the work, I'll shape it into a cohesive piece that we'll rehearse and then present at the end of the season talent showcase."
The kids liked this idea. The showcase was a big deal. It was an opportunity for them to blow off some steam and express themselves to friends and family in a creative way. My only stipulation was not to use profanity. As the weeks passed, I was impressed with how well they all threw themselves into this project—all except Eric, the oldest boy in my 12 to 15-year-olds. Eric often wandered around the rehearsal space, unfocused and sullen.
"Any ideas for your piece?" I ask, checking in to see if I could help.
"I'm thinking," he'd say and then pace.
With three weeks left in the summer, I took my well-deserved week off to decompress. My boyfriend came up from Toronto and drove me to his parent's house at Post and Bayview, where caterers were preparing the tennis courts for an outdoor party. I walked into his mother's living room, and she gasped. "What happened to you?"
I didn't blame her. I hadn't spent much time looking at a mirror the past four weeks, but one glance at the large one in their bathroom told the full story. My hair was ratty; I had scabs on my knees, bruises on my arms and legs, and I was sunburnt. I was wearing a vintage skirt and blouse that was probably more Value Village than vintage and a pair of worn, scuffed purple moccasins; in essence, I was wearing slippers on my feet.
"Please take her to the mall and at least buy her a pair of shoes," his mother said, handing me her credit card and then rushing off to make sure the stuffed alligator would float in the pool. That week I ate my way through rugelach, hamantaschen, brisket, and bagels while his family watched me with awe and disgust.
Back at camp, the smell of burning insect repellent greeted me along with the news that the sailing and tennis instructors were sacked for disorderly conduct. Never mind, I had renewed energy and a sense of purpose. There were costumes and props to make. Sound and lighting effects to create. And we needed to rehearse. It was only a tiny stage somewhere on a remote camp in Northern Ontario, but the excitement was palpable. I was excited. This would be the best talent show ever, and my kids were going to blow the socks off everyone there!!!
"Eric," I said, "How's your piece coming along?"
"I finished it," he mentioned casually
"That's great. Can I see it?"
"I want to surprise you. You're going to love it, though. I promise."
I patted myself on the back. Eric had a breakthrough. All my encouragement and patience had paid off. Perhaps I'd helped him have a developmental breakthrough.
"Can you tell me what it's about?" I asked.
"The Beatles."
"Great. Okay," and left it at that.
Talent Night arrived along with parents and family friends. The lights dimmed, the kids performed, and the audience enthusiastically applauded as each "Mighty Mite" or "Spirit of Paradise" breezed across the stage, acting out skits about fairies and monsters and assorted escapades. Finally, it was Eric's turn. Out he came, looking serious and theatrical. He cleared his throat and addressed the audience.
"This is called, The Beatles Last Recording Session. By, Me."
Three of his closest camp friends filed out and took a space on the stage. The audience was silent.
There was a dramatic pause, then the piece began.
"Fuck you, Ringo,"
"Fuck you, Paul."
"Fuck you, George."
"Well fuck you, John."
Then they bowed and left the stage.
Personally, I thought it was kind of brilliant. Needless to say, I wasn't showered with accolades about my teaching methods or the effect I had on kids. I left there having no catharsis about mental health except that giving people the opportunity to express themselves without censor is probably a lot healthier than insisting they stay quiet. I admired the honesty displayed in the kid's work. If only, I thought to myself, I could be half as brave. Wasn't that what I was spending time and money learning how to do?
A week after being home, I found myself packing, once more, for school in New York. Our term letters had arrived with instructions on where to buy character shoes, leotards, copies of The Children's Hour, and Death of a Salesman. The camp already felt like it was 391 kilometers away - soon to be 659. My father drove me to the train station with my stepmother beside him; she was there, no doubt, to ensure I boarded.
"You going to be okay?" my father asked, giving me a hug and slipping a $50 bill into my pocket.
"She'll be fine." Elsie chimed in. "You don't have to worry about her. Let's go."
But I wanted my father to worry about me. Not all the time and to the exclusion of all else, but certainly the appropriate fatherly amount.
As I settled myself on the train, I watched my stepmother pull from father from the platform to the car and thought of Eric's brilliant play. Under my breath, I whispered the immortal words of the Beatles, "Fuck you."
#stepmother #mental health #children #young people #summer camp
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