“Shut up and Dance” by WALK THE MOON is proof that songs don’t need to be mournful, sad, and generally depressing. This song is fun, cheerful, and the lyrics are amazingly positive. And yeah, I get it, sometimes you’re just sad and sad music hits the spot. But on the average day I’d much prefer the message of “I love this woman and she loves me let’s dance” over “love is necessarily finite and every relationship will end sooner or later” which is why it’s replacing Hey Ya! in my playlist.

A Love You Deserve

Notes: Kind of an odd selection of characters but oh well. I’m also annotating/re-reading The Song of Achilles, so I’m extra hurt today.

Summary: You deserve better than them, and they know it.

Warning/s: Cursing and some violence on Scaramouche’s part as well as implied toxic relationship and stalking. Lore spoilers?

Theme/s: Angst no comfort, breakup no comfort, finding self worth.

Character/s: Diluc, Kaeya, Thoma, Scaramouche

Diluc

You weren’t the impatient type, nor the confrontational type of lover. In fact, you were the opposite and it seemed as though you were the perfect match for Diluc. Diluc, stand-offish and mostly closed off, found peace in your reserved nature- never once asking him about his past and why he acted so distant from time to time. You had your own concerns for him, the usual worry one has for someone they love, and you never dared to ask him anything too personal. He gave you a look sometimes that made you watch if you’re overstepping boundaries. You thought that since you had an intimate relationship with Diluc, you had special treatment when it comes to getting close to him emotionally. But time and time again, he always found a way to divert conversations and make it difficult for you to try and connect with him emotionally. You knew that the Young Master was distant, just not to this extent when he would keep his own lover away from him. Emotionally at least. You tried your best to be understanding and even made it so that you would be transparent with Diluc to encourage him to connect with you, but even in that he cannot do. Whenever you would voice out some small complaints about your day or ask him to listen to you vent for a while, he would often tell you of his own troubles and refuse to talk about it when you would ask- giving you no space to talk or even listen. It almost seemed to you that Diluc’s goal was to bleed out every drop of mental energy you had until you two would be completely exhausted. And you were. Today was a particularly bad day for you and you needed to get things off your chest as you asked Diluc for some comfort and reassurance while you two ate. Instead, what you got was:

“I’m sorry, Y/N. '' Diluc says as he turns his head away from you. “I don’t have the energy to talk about this right now.” He finishes his food and prepares to go out into the night as the Darknight Hero. You stay silent. You don’t know what to say to him anymore- every comfort, every reassurance, now feels stale and meaningless with the amount of times you tried again and again to give Diluc the comfort he craved. He couldn’t do the same for you- though that even he would be forgiving enough to spare you some knowledge about himself. You didn’t know what to do anymore. You were tired.

“I see…” Was all you said, shoulders slumping down as Diluc notices and tries to reach for you from across the table.

“I wish I could be better for you,” he says with a sigh. “You deserve more.” You’ve heard this a thousand times before. It felt like an impulse to him now that you’re hearing it again. You felt your teeth grit and pulled your fist away from Diluc’s reaching hands. He looks at you surprised, even more so when he sees your expression. You brows furrowed and jaw tight, knuckles paling as your hands gripped itself tightly.

“Why aren’t you?” You snapped. “You told me this countless of times before. Why hasn’t anything happened yet?” Diluc was dumbfounded by this. You were serious, most of all fuming with how your chest rose and fell with your breaths. Tears stung your eyes, not from sadness, you were way past that point of disappointment, but from anger. Your patience for him has run dry and you need to at least once voice your own concerns.

“I… I’m sorry?” Diluc asks incredulously, his torso leaning forward as if trying to make sure he heard you right. You lean back and bite back the urge of wanting to scream.

“Why aren’t you better then, huh? You always, always promise me things even you know you can never keep. I’m so, so tired of this, Diluc. I understood you at first but now it feels like you can’t even have the sympathy to try and understand me. It’s so frustrating whatever this is.” It was the first time Diluc has seen you so assertive, so angry, at him of all people. Sure, he’s seen you annoyed at little things and impatient with some, but this new sight to behold both scared and intrigued him. “I’m done, Diluc. We’re done.” You stood when Diluc couldn’t give you an answer, his mouth hanging in shock still. You began to walk away when Diluc followed to stop you. He was panicking, afraid, not sure of what to do.

“Y/N, please, let’s talk about this.” He says, his voice silent and unsteady, tugging you back to sit with him on the table. It almost made you want to sit down. Only almost. Before, it had always been you asking him for a sit down and a serious conversation, asking for apologies, asking for what’s wrong. It always ended the same with him leaving to dismiss you and making it up with gifts instead of his time. You were drained of your energy of constantly having to adjust with his mood swings and lack of emotional understanding for you. You wanted him to be better, but it seemed to you that he never wanted that for himself.

“We have nothing to talk about, you had your chance before.” you say, grabbing a coat and throwing your coat over your shoulders as you see Diluc frozen in the middle of the room. “I do deserve better.” With a gentle shut to the door of Dawn Winery, Diluc was once again left alone in the dark, hopeless and helpless against the void of his loneliness. He looks around his surroundings confused, as if he’s been in a place he’s never been in before. Diluc let reality subdue him as he sits back down on the table and exhales in exhaustion. His head hurt and shoulders trembled as he wept silently.

It seems that he always finds a way to ruin things for him. He couldn’t blame you. Maybe he was just meant to be alone.

Kaeya

Kaeya watched you from afar, mingling with others, smiling wider than he had ever seen, and laughing louder than he had ever heard. When he was with you at least, he never thought he’d see you so happy. Now, your arms were around someone else, the source of your joy coming from someone that isn’t him. Kaeya left you a while ago- chalking it up to how he needed to focus on his work, himself, and the typical ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ reason. He said all of this grinning- nervous of your answer, anticipating that you would take him back. He was more astonished when you only nodded, said something to him, and left. In truth, you felt as though you were only there to be Kaeya’s comfort, a therapist. He would tell you of his troubles and in a snap, he would be back to his suave self, a switch so fast that you didn’t know which side of Kaeya you would believe in. Whenever you attempted to talk to him seriously about it, he would brush you off and say you’re being delusional. When Kaeya noticed how concerned you were about him, he went into a panic and immediately tried to stay away from you in the only way he knew how- breaking off your relationship before it had barely started. It was only when you agreed that you noticed how tired you were of his push and pull, his cycle of wanting you and denial of the fact that he does.

The last words you had ever said to him were, “Kaeya, I want you to get better, I do. I just don’t think we're the right people for each other right now.” When you said it, it seemed as though the rest of the world blurred- your face distorted and fading that Kaeya finally realized he was crying. He knew you always wanted the best for him, even now you do, but he can’t even seem to follow it. As much as he loves you, and as much as he wants to be better for you, he doesn’t have the strength if you weren’t there to be it. “Take care of yourself.”

You never looked at him with disdain. Kaeya wished you did- to replace that look of pity on your face each time you saw him drink his problems away. He wasn’t your problem anymore, but why do you seem to care for him still? When you two were together, it was all you did for him, and now, you still do. Maybe Kaeya was holding onto the hope that you atleast carried some form of care you did when he had you by his side. He seeked for it, seeked for you, in those hours he cannot lift his head from the alcohol, craving your soothing words warbled in his drunken state. You’re so sympathetic, always trying to understand what troubled Kaeya and tried to help him without actually being there one to fix it. You always told him that you’re supportive, but he needed to be the one to take action. He needed you now more than ever. But you weren’t there to be with him right now. You were at home, mind free of any worries as you slept with your lover. He needed to accept the fact that you were no longer with him, and Archons did it hit him hard.

Some nights he would lie awake, expecting you to appear beside him, arms around his torso while his are around your waist. On times when his drinking was particularly bad, Rosaria and Diluc could hear the faintest whisper of your name from his lips, like an enchantment, a plea, a call. On days when he would be cooped up in his quarters would he feel your phantom hold- a gentle caress of his cheek or the tender kiss of your lips- on his skin when his mind is overloaded with work. But you weren’t there. You shared all of these things with someone new, and Kaeya seethed at the thought as well as the sight of it.

Kaeya caught you two one time, in the middle of the streets of Mondstadt. You and your lover slow dancing to tunes that were muffled through the walls of Angel’s Share, your figures silhouetted by the gentle glow of the street lamps. It was an action even he was too afraid of doing behind the walls of your home. From a distance, Kaeya could see how happy you were, how carefree. You had never looked that joyful when you were with him. It was clear you were in love- and loved by someone you deserved- to a person far better than he could have been. Kaeya felt himself growing hot with anger and envy as he watched your new lover hold you so close where he had kept you at a distance. When your lover would laugh with you, share these memories with you, he had wasted his chances with his hangovers and vent sessions that ended nowhere. He balled his fists when he saw how you two stared at each other so lovingly where he had averted his gaze when you tried to look past his walls. He shouldn't be feeling jealousy, he wasn’t the type to be that way, but seeing you look so… happy and in love of all things while his heart still shattered at the thought of you made him want to drink till the day's end. To march over to where you two were and break it off, sending you home and feeling triumphant of himself. You would hate him maybe, or he’d make you mad, and the thought of you feeling anything but sympathy towards him made Kaeya’s stomach turn. When one of his knights asked what they should do, Kaeya could only force himself to look away so as to not bring any more heartache to his chest.

“Let’s leave them be.” He says, dismissing the Knight as he too begins to walk away. Kaeya wanted to distance himself from you, to finally be free of you. It was clear you were from him. You were happy without him, it seems. The least he could do was to not ruin you any more than he has; at least you were finally happy.

Thoma

You loved Thoma deeply and he returned it as much as he could. Sometimes however, it was hard to not feel loved by him. He tried his best, he really did, to give you his time as best as he could, and you admired how hardworking and reliable he was, but something about his loyalty swayed differently. Thoma was undoubtedly loyal to you, but it seemed that you were just less important than the people he worked for. You were understanding at first, seeing how important his job was to keep the Kamisato Estate in upkeep as well as do several ‘errands’ around Inazuma and for the Yashiro Commission. It was a respectable job that earned Thoma the same amount of respect from the Inazuman citizens and you. You always listened to how important his job was, how much he respected the Yashiro Commission and the Kamisato Siblings for giving him the opportunity to have such an important job. You listened with admiration, proud of your lover for being so diligent, helpful and kind.

It was true that Thoma was head-over-heels in love with you, but it was sometimes difficult to see it that way. As much as Thoma tried to promise you things, it always ended with “I’ll make it up to you.” or “Maybe next time, Y/N.” as he hurried off to do his daily rounds around the city. Each time, you only nodded and wished him a good day, to do his best while you were left alone for hours and hours until the next day where the same would happen again. Dates sometimes involve you being dragged in to help him with something or Thoma just talking about his work. You listened always, never once voicing anything out until it bubbled and bubbled and bubbled. You felt jealous of the couples that walked around Inazuma sometimes- hand in hand, talking about regular things about their day or planning upcoming dates- while you sat alone when Thoma rushed off to fulfill some other task.

Truthfully, Thoma felt bad leaving you by yourself all the time. He tried to fit you and him in his always changing routine, but he can’t help it. His schedule was too busy and there were too many important things to do right now… and you slowly thought that maybe you weren’t as important as those things.

“I’ll be back soon, okay Y/N?” Thoma says as he plants a soft kiss on your forehead before he goes back into the Kamisato Estate, one of your many dates cut short again. You only hang your head low and nod. Thoma notices and hesitantly walks back to you. “Hey? You okay?”

“No…” You mumble, finally feeling the frustration you kept in after all this time. “We need to talk about our relationship.” You felt guilty. You knew that Thoma tried his absolute best to make up for the things he missed, dates ended too early, and time spent away- but now it felt as though he only made up the little things because he knew it was the best way to make you stay. Thoma’s expression fell as he looked behind him and back at you.

“Is it okay if we talk about this later?” He says. “I promise I’ll make it up-” You cut him off when you look up at him and Thoma stops, eyes wide and fearful.

“My god, Thoma. Will it always be like this? You're saying you’ll make it up and I just have to put up with it until you don’t? The least you could do is to stay right now and listen.” You felt helpless, but hopeful, pleading, begging that he will try again, that you can try again with him. But small sounds only came from Thoma’s mouth as you nodded and looked away. His answer was clear. “So I guess this is it.” Only then did Thoma snap back into reality.

“It’s okay, I can fix this Y/N, I can fix us, just let me…” Thoma stumbled over his words, hands flailing about as his eyes looked everywhere but at you. It was more of a comfort to himself than you, a denial that this moment right now was happening. “Let’s… let’s start over, yeah? We can, I can, do better. Please, please-“ you cut him off. It was too hard to see him so desperate to try and fix something he knows he cannot. He stares at you now, wide eyes, pleading for a second chance- hoping you’ll change your mind. It breaks your heart to watch him look so hopeless.

“Thoma… there was nothing to fix about us, it’s just not working.” You said, adamant as Thoma could only shake his head in protest. “Don’t make this any harder than it needs to be. We have different priorities, it looks like, and I can understand if that isn’t me right now.” When you walk away, Thoma, in a final attempt to rebuild what you two never had, grabs your hand and presses his lips onto your knuckles. You feel his warm tears on your skin and his mouth moving rhythmically saying, please, please, please. Your heart clenches as your hand tightens around Thoma’s. It was the first time you’ve ever seen him so distraught, and the hurt only intensified when you knew that it was because of you. You were so compelled to turn around, to make up and try again, but you were tired. Tired of having to keep up with him and his rigorous schedule, his loyalty bound to another, and the many excuses that by now became something so common. So you pull your hand away, never looking back as Thoma could do nothing but cry and watch you leave through a blur of tears.

For the first time in a while, a sort of weight has been lifted off your chest and you could breathe. As horrible as it sounded, as terrible as it was to have Thoma heartbroken over you, It felt liberating- but Thoma had never felt more heartache in his life.

“Y/N, I don’t want it to be over.”

Scaramouche (kindoff a bittersweet end)

You unwillingly had to stay by Scaramouche’s side. You entertained him and he decided to keep you in his posse, and you had no choice but to follow. It felt okay at first to be by the side of the Balladeer- he kept you safe, had his subordinates watch over you in his place, and appreciated your company. But you knew better- Scaramouche was a master manipulator and you were one of many subject to his deceit. You weren’t spared to his berating and sharp words, though yours were less harsh, but Scaramouche did everything in his power to have you depend on him. He’d instill fear into you, make sure you’re coddled by him, always watching to have him know what you’re doing, where you are, if you’re planning on escaping.

This isn’t healthy, you’d think as Scaramouche would shower you with some affections from time to time to make sure you didn’t totally fear him. You were wise to not fall for this as the fatui could only watch in pity as you stared at them helplessly while Scaramouche went on his many verbal tirades throughout the day. I need to leave, you’d think as you spent your days and nights by his side, sometimes not allowed to go out or just in the corner when Scaramouche is in a particularly bad mood. You were at your wits end each day, counting down the seconds to when the next time Scaramouche would blow up. You walked on eggshells, knowing how capable he was of killing you whenever he wanted. You weren’t on his bad side, but you weren’t on his good side either. I need to leave, I need to leave, I need to leave.

One day, you entered Scaramouche’s tent as you and his crew landed in some part of Teyvat for an assignment. You wanted to explore the world, see new places and hope that Scaramouche could let you go. Knowing him, you know that it would be a challenge. Even the suggestion that you would leave his side made Scaramouche irritated.

“Who gave you the idea that you could leave me?”

“I’m leaving you, Scara.” You say forcefully, but hearing your little pet name for him in this way only made Scaramouche feel insulted. He doesn’t answer, only staring down at his desk while you feel the tense atmosphere begin to surround you both. “Did you hear me?”

“Oh, I heard you.” He says, eyes filled with malice as he sauntered over to where you stand. You’re afraid, terribly afraid, knowing well he could easily hurt you or kill you if he wanted. But a part of you wished for it; at least then, you had a reason to be free of him.

“Then it’s settled. Goodbye.” You begin to walk away until Scaramouche grabs your wrist and forcefully pulls you back to face him. His pale cheeks were red, teeth barred like a rabid dog and eyes shining with fury. You begin to tremble, but you do not show your fear. You know well how Scaramouche plays into people’s weaknesses.

“You don’t fucking do this to me!” He yells, pointing a finger at you. Scaramouche will not be disrespected in this way but you stand your ground and never waver. Even in his anger, in his terrifying storms of emotional outbursts, both of you know that you are always right.

“Who do you think you are? You won’t survive out there without me.” He seethes. Internally, he’s furious; a rampant rage coupled with the hurt of betrayal from you. But Scaramouche knows more than anyone that you deserve better than he. You were kind to him, even when he knows you were afraid. You were patient, best of all compliant. He never expected you to have the strength to leave him. He always thought to himself that if you leave, a crushing wave of loneliness and deceit will torment him for the future to come. So he kept you by his side to the best of his ability, even if it meant you had to fear him. It was the only way he knew how. You were his comfort, his release, and if you leave, Scaramouche would return to his self-conflicts of hatred. Even you knew that well.

“Tell me, who the fuck do you think you are to be doing this to me?” He asks. Notice a moment of vulnerability slip up in his voice. Your gaze softens as you step forward, freeing your wrist away from his wringing grip, tight enough to leave a bruise. You were tired, exhausted even, of having to deal with this. Even if you knew he’s acting out of irrational thoughts, you had to preserve your worth. You needed to leave.

“I’m Y/N,” you said simply, like an introduction to the first day you had met, a reminder to him of who you are. “And I’m leaving you.” You didn’t give Scaramouche the time to answer as you turned and fled away from him. You didn’t know where you’re going or where you’re running to, but in that moment, as your feet hit the soft earth away from the makeshift tent of those Fatui, you felt dauntless. You ran for hours that day, laughing and crying as you watched the sunset beyond the horizon, almost forgetting how beautiful the world could be. You thought that this would be the only day that you could truly be free- Scaramouche may send Fatui to hunt you, claim you again, and make you pay for humiliating him. But after a few years passed, you’ve never once had a run in with the fatui nor did any of them ever try to get near you. But you put your guard up, never once trusting the fact that Scaramouche would favor you with peace. Little did you know that Scaramouche had already found you long ago, but he never tried to take you back nor command anyone to do so. He only watched from afar, in pain and satisfaction, to know that even if you are aware you are free, you could never truly be free of him.

undrunk - jj.m

Warnings: angst, underage drinking, mentions of sex, kinda toxic relationship & mentions of substances.

Word Count: 2.5k

This fic is based of the song Undrunk by Fletcher

gif is by the talented @toesure <3333

Wish I could get a little un-drunk so I could un-call you

At five in the morning, I would un-fuck you.

JJ Maybank was your ex, the two of you had broken up almost a month ago but still always managed to find each other when you were intoxicated, ending up wrapped in each other’s arms at late hours of the night. One of you always being gone the next morning.

He’d broken up with you because he felt he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, but it was borderline impossible for the two of you to cut off all communication.

When you were together a part of you always knew this wasn’t how it was supposed to be, but you loved him so you started finding excuses for all of the things he did and the stuff he put you through.

At one point you had even started asking yourself, what did I do that made him leave? It wasn’t right but you couldn’t help it, the manipulative thoughts clouded your mind like a drug.

To go from being so involved with him on such an intimate level, to then, becoming a complete stranger and having no part of his life was a pain you couldn’t even begin to describe.

The first time it had happened was after almost three weeks of being apart. You weren’t doing any better from the day he’d ended it, your tear-stained cheeks stuck on the screen before you, when suddenly what you thought was a ray of sunshine lighting up the darkness that had consumed you appeared.

He’d knocked on your window like he’d done so many times before but this time it was different. He didn’t tell you how much he loved you as he hungrily kissed you and tore your clothes off.

He barely even looked at you as he spent the night with you, making sure the two of you were on the same page when he finished, stating that he didn’t want to be in a relationship again but wanted to continue sleeping together and you had agreed even though every part of your body was telling you not to.

You loved him and thought that being with him in some way was better than not being with him at all.

But you knew it was only so long until one of you was bound to break this endless cycle of running back to each other.

Honestly, this party's over

Everyone here shoulda gone home

But I’m afraid of being sober

As you stumbled home after yet another party, you felt tears well up in the corner of your eyes, having nothing left to distract you, no substance, alcohol, or fling to silence your thoughts about the boy who had held your heart and crushed it.

It was the feeling after you’ve hosted a pregame or a party and everybody’s gone and the only thing that’s left are the wounded soldiers. Just you and your drunken thoughts, swirling around in your head. 

You’d endured this feeling so many times after the breakup and you tried so hard to cover it up with anything you possibly could, but it was like a virus, that just keeps on coming back.

So once again you found yourself standing in front of his window lightly tapping your nail onto it waiting for him to appear and let you in.

When the curtains lifted you felt sane again, seeing his face as he smiled down at you before pushing the window open allowing you to climb in.

His lips were on yours within seconds as he hurriedly went to remove all items of clothing that covered your body, desperate for your touch.

You didn’t fully realize it then but every time he kissed you and touched you it would take out a tiny piece of your heart, knowing that this was all it would ever be.

The morning after you’d woken up in a haze, his ring clad fingers resting on your stomach as he lay peacefully beside you, his blonde hair sprawled all over the pillow beneath him.

‘Fuck’ you thought once memories from the previous night started flooding back into your mind. You carefully lifted his arm off of you and started searching for your clothes, which had been thrown all over the place the previous night.He’d woken up when you’d accidentally tripped over your shoe as you tried to get it on. 

“Shit” you mumbled when he started propping himself up onto his elbows, furrowing his eyebrows at you.

“What are you doing?” he asked, his voice raspy as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. 

“Leaving?” 

It was more of a question than an answer but he just shrugged his shoulders turning his back towards you as he continued his slumber. You sighed as you twisted the doorknob, taking one last glance at him before shutting the door and walking out to your car.

So I squeeze out the lime on the ice of my drink

And the juice hits the cuts on my fingers

It still doesn't burn as much as the thought of you

Sarah was throwing a little get together and you had been fine through most of the night, feeling that maybe, just maybe, you were finally starting to get over him. Finally not feeling the need to look at your phone every few minutes to see if he had texted you or go on to his Instagram to see if he had posted a picture of him and another girl.

You’d been helping Sarah gather shot glasses for everyone when you’d accidentally dropped one, cutting your finger as you attempted to pick up the broken pieces of glass sprawled all over the kitchen floor.

Sarah had told you not to worry about it simply grabbing a vacuum and quickly cleaning it up before ushering you into her living room where you all sat in a circle beginning to play truth or drink. 

You stared down at your newly cut finger, watching as the blood trickled down it and into your palm, it hurt like a bitch, but you didn’t pay it any mind, pouring salt onto your backhand smiling up at Sarah as she passed you a shot glass filled to the brim with tequila.

“Alright Y/N, your turn” Topper stared devilishly at you before looking over at Rafe who gave him a wink, furrowing your eyebrows at the silent exchange.

“How many people have you had sex with?” he raised an eyebrow taking a swig off his beer as Rafe gave him a thumbs up causing you to only roll your eyes in response.

“Ew Top seriously?” Sarah huffed crossing her arms over her chest, “you don’t have to answer that” she directed at you, hitting Topper in the back of the head making you giggle.

“Wasn’t going to” you chuckled, licking the salt off your hand and downing the devil's drink, scrunching your face as the liquid burned your throat.

You quickly reached out for one of the lime wedges with the hand you’d cut earlier and as your finger touched it you winced the juice going into your fresh wound the cheers of your friends fading out as you suddenly began to think that not even this burned as much as thinking about him does.

I wish I could un-kiss the room full of strangers

So I could un-spite you, un-lose my temper

But some things you can't undo

And one of them's you.

After a relationship ends everybody goes through a different healing process, for you it was definitely seeking attention from somebody else, needing to feel wanted again, because it momentarily ‘convinced’ you that you were fine.

But you soon realized that no matter what you did or who you kissed no one could compare to JJ, the sad realization hitting you as a boy you didn’t know the name of let his hands wander all over your body.

His touch didn’t send shivers up your spine as JJ’s did and his lips on yours didn’t make you feel butterflies in your stomach.

You just felt empty as he whispered endless compliments in your ear, cutting him off by reconnecting your lips with his, hoping that it would fill the void inside of you.

You wished nothing more than to go back to all the times you’d slept with JJ after you’d broken up and taken it back, wishing you’d never have let him waltz back into your life after he single-handedly destroyed it.

I'm afraid to turn the lights on

I don't wanna face this rebound

Is it weird if I come over?

I want to, but I know that she's around

You couldn’t stop thinking about all the other girls he’d probably slept with by now, doing whatever with whoever.

It was that sick feeling that just kept on coming back, sticking with you from the time you woke up and to the night when your head hit the pillow, “what did he do last night?”

“It doesn’t matter, I shouldn’t care” those were the two things you were mostly battling with, caring but pretending that you didn’t.

One time you’d been hanging out with Kie, she’d invited you to come and eat dinner with her at The Wreck, stating that you’d spent little to no time together since you and JJ had ended things.

You, of course, agreed, driving over to the restaurant, practically running into Kie’s arms as she engulfed you in a tight hug.

The pair of you quickly sat down enjoying a plate of hamburgers and fries as you caught up with each other.

You couldn’t help but notice every time you mentioned JJ she’d tense up, panic settling on her face, always dodging the questions or changing the subject.

“Kie what’s going on?” you finally asked tired of her strange behaviour.

“What do you mean?” she tried to write you off but you wouldn’t let her, pestering her until she finally broke. “Okay fine look I really didn’t want to be the one to tell you this but- uhm... JJ’s been seeing someone.” You froze dropping the food you’d been holding as you stared wide eyed at her, “Wait... I don’t know if there’s actually anything to it- I mean you know him, he’s probably just sleeping with her until he finds someone else, you know?” she tried to comfort you before realising how insensitive that sounded, “Oh shit! No, wait that came out wrong!”

“Kie it’s okay, I don’t care,” you lied, pasting on a fake smile as you grabbed a french fry from her plate and placed it into your mouth.

“A-are you sure?” she hesitantly asked furrowing her eyebrows, not quite believing your words. You only nodded in response and she quickly dropped the subject, thankfully, you knew if you’d had talked about it any longer you would have started crying.

So when you finally arrived home you let your tears fall free, now convinced nothing could fill that void inside you except JJ.

Been through every emotion

Right now, I'm sad and broken

Like the bottles on the floor, but I'm too buzzed to clean 'em up

Self love was something you had always struggled with and sometime after the breakup you’d finally realized that it was impossible to love somebody else if you didn’t love yourself.

You didn’t love yourself when you were with JJ so you depended on him to make you feel the love you couldn’t provide for yourself and it was only after you got out of it that you gained that perspective, aside from going out and partying, you really had to take the time to do a self dive and ask yourself. Am I good? The answer definitely being no.

You slowly but surely started doing the things that you loved again, surrounding yourself with the people that made you feel like the best you.

It was a roller coaster of emotions. One day you’d be totally fine, reassuring yourself that you could do this but the next you’d be curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor of your shower or crying in a stall at a restaurant or a bar.

And it was at your lowest points that you’d run back to JJ or let him come to you, spending the night with him only made you feel better temporarily but in the long run you knew it was what was hurting you the most.

Wish I could get a little un-drunk

So I could un-love you

“I can’t do this anymore J” you frowned as you got out of his bed, untangling yourself from his tight embrace, he looked at you confused eyebrows contorted.

“What exactly do you mean?” he asked propping himself up onto his elbows as he stared intently at you, tears beginning to well up in the corner of your eyes as you finally realized that you had to end this, you couldn’t keep doing this to yourself.

“I mean this, JJ,” you said, gesturing between the two of you, “Whatever it is, I can’t do it anymore!” You shook your head, hurriedly gathering your things wanting to get out of there as soon as possible.

“Wait Y/N,” he pleaded, getting out the bed, grabbing your wrists, turning you to face him. “Why?” he finally asked, his voice just below a whisper.

“Because, I love you too much and it hurts to see you leave, it hurts to see you with somebody else and I can’t keep trying to convince myself that one day we can go back to the way things were, because I know that’s not what you want.”

This was without a doubt one of the hardest things you’d ever had to do, but you knew this had to be done or you’d just end up hurting yourself even more.

So you left him standing alone in his room, not giving him a chance to talk as you stormed out of his house and into your car, sobs racking through your body as you let your head rest on your steering wheel.

You took a deep breath before placing your keys in the ignition, beginning the long drive from The Cut and into Figure 8.

It was raining pretty heavily and as the calming sound of the rain droplets hitting the top of your car you began to realize your relationship with JJ made you who you were, it taught you a lesson and you learned from it, growed from it, even though it was really hard to see it when you were in the thick of it.

But once you gained some perspective, you began to see things a lot more clearly, realizing that JJ was a really important part of your journey.

You wouldn’t go back in time and undo the relationship, because it had taught you so much about yourself that you didn’t know that you needed to so you finally drove back home, leaving JJ behind, even though it physically hurt you to do so.

This was for the best.

Thank you @angellissy & @harrysbbby for helping me with my grammar!!!! I love y’all💓💓

Brokenhearts Club - Same Room

tw: mentions of breakup, toxic coping mechanisms, drinking/alcohol, mentions of violence (he throws his phone), cursing 

Word count: 2.7k

Pairing: Iwaizumi Hajime x gn!reader

Genre: angst, very very mild fluff

AN: There were no such things as happy endings.

Collab Masterlist | Playlist

*Inspired by Same Room by JP Saxe

I watched a TED Talk on our break, He had a smart person accent

He said, "Don't look through the photos", Then I looked through our photos

A haze filtered over his eyes as he stared down at his phone. In the background, sappy love songs played as he ignored the bodies in the room. His fingers itched, tapping on the app. He swiped to the side, tapping on the Hidden from View folder and revealing its haul. Thousands of photos and videos opened on his screen. He tapped on the first one he saw. His heart lurched as he remembered. 

Just to spend a couple days with me

You flew halfway 'round the world for me

Iwaizumi was exhausted, feet, knees, and shoulders tired from all the patients he had visited that day. He had been running around the clinic, fetching this and that for Utsui. He slumped against the door as he entered his apartment, sighing heavily. He threw his keys into the bowl by the entrance, letting his bag fall off of his shoulders as he walked into the kitchen. As Iwaizumi turned on the tap, something caught his attention. He froze, staring at the suitcase before he shut off the sink. 

“(Name)?” He called, stumbling over his feet as he flew through his apartment.

“Haji!” You squealed, popping up as the door to his bedroom was flung open. 

“(Name)!” Iwaizumi stopped, his mouth drying as his heart stuttered as he was rooted in the doorway - shock filling him. 

What were you doing here? The last he knew, you had finals that you had to take, projects to finish. You should still be in Tokyo! 

“Wh-what are you doing here?”

You grinned at him, standing up and opening your arms to reveal the teal jersey you wore. “I finished my projects and exams early and I figured I’d come surprise you.” 

Iwaizumi shook his head, a dopey grin on his face as he ran forward to embrace you, arms wrapping around your waist as he held you to him. “God I’ve missed you so much.”

“Surprise,” you tease, blowing on his ear. “I’ll be here for a few weeks. Try not to miss me too much when I leave though, yeah?”

“Oh baby, I always miss you when you aren’t around.” 

Iwaizumi shook his head, the dull ache of the alcohol searing his throat. He swiped through the photos and videos from that trip.

“Oh Haji, look!” You beamed at him, sparkly pink mouse ears perched on your head as you pointed up at the castle. “I can’t believe we’re here right now!”

“I did promise to take you here one day, didn’t I?” Iwaizumi teased, warmth filling his senses.

His thumb was a blur as he swiped through the photos of you and him in front of the castle. He paused, staring at one in particular.

“One day, when I put my ring on your finger, I’ll bring you back here, okay?” 

“Haji!” You gasp, giggling. “You don’t have to.”

“I want to.” He squeezed the hand on his waist as he tucked some hair behind your ear. “Gotta make you the happiest person on Earth at the happiest place on Earth.”

“Who are you and what have you done to my brute of a boyfriend?” You tease, shoving his chest slightly.

His heart skipped a beat as he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “Maybe your brute of a boyfriend didn’t realise how much he’d miss you when you weren’t around.”

You blink up at him with doe-eyes, love and devotion in your eyes only for the spell to be broken by the photographer’s approach.

“Here you go!” He grinned, showing you the camera. He had perfectly captured the heat in your cheeks as Iwaizumi whispered in your ear. The photographer swiped through to the next photo to one of Iwaizumi kissing your forehead. “You’re both such a lovely couple.”

“Thank you,” Iwaizumi replied in perfect English, smiling. 

“Enjoy the rest of your day!”

Iwaizumi picked up his glass of scotch, chugging the rest of it as he stared down at his phone. His vision blurred as he proceeded to swipe through. 

“What are you doing here, moping by yourself?” Iwaizumi looked up, scowling as Oikawa stood here, a hand on his hip. “And why didn’t you say hi when you got here?”

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, shaking his head as he willed his tears away. “Maybe I didn’t want to see you, Shittykawa. Think about that?”

I strategize a path to the bathroom

So I don’t walk past you

“Is it us you don’t wanna see, or (Name)?” 

Mattsun leaned against the table, tilting his glass of whiskey as his eyes fell on someone. 

Iwaizumi’s throat constricted as he saw you. 

You, in all your angelic beauty, stood with some of your old friends from Seijoh, chatting eagerly. He watched as your plush lips moved, noticed the crinkle of happiness in your face, the way your outfit hugged your body is such a perfect way. 

“Didn’t expect to see (Name)?” Oikawa asked, voice soft. He looked over at you, sad for not only his best friend, but also for you. He’d shipped you two the most. 

Iwaizumi gulped, shaking his head as he waved at a waiter, getting his glass topped off before downing that. “S’not that.”

“Then what?” 

“Gotta go to the bathroom,” Iwaizumi said bluntly, slamming his glass down. 

“Go to the one that way,” Mattsun advised, pointing to the left. “(Name) won’t see you if you do that.”

“Thanks,” Iwaizumi grunted. 

Make us try to fake our way through

"Hey, how are you?"

Iwaizumi slipped in the direction that Mattsun had pointed in only to accidentally bump into someone’s shoulder. “Iwaizumi.”

Iwaizumi flinched, recognising the all-too familiar voice. “Sawamura? What are you doing here?”

“My partner invited me.”

“Ah.” Iwaizumi’s brow furrowed. He shook his head. “Hope you have fun then, Sawamura.”

“You too, Iwaizumi.” 

Iwaizumi swiveled, making his way towards the restroom. He cursed the hall for being so dark as he bumped into another person. “I’m sor-” the words died in his mouth as familiar (e/c) eyes turned to found his.

“Haji.” 

The sting of the familiar nickname caused his heart to throb, his stomach churning. “(N-Name),” he stuttered, shock evident in his features. 

Weren’t you on the opposite side of the room? How did you get in front of him so quickly? 

“H-how are you?”

You smile, shrugging a shoulder. “I’m doing pretty well. How are you? Are you back from California then?”

He gulped, nodding. “Yeah.” He cursed his voice for cracking. “Been back for awhile now.”

“That’s good.” You both stand there awkwardly, staring at each other. Iwaizumi’s throat constricted, words clawing up his throat.

“Listen-”

“Well, it was nice seeing you.” The words caught in his throat as you gave him a small smile. “Maybe I’ll see you around sometime. We can catch up or something.”

“Sure,” he choked out, hurt and pain flashing through his eyes.

Why not now?

Wait, was he even ready to have that conversation with you?

“Bye!” 

You turn, disappearing back into the crowd to leave him staring blankly at the spot you had just been in. He blinked, shaking his head before he turned back to the direction he had just come from - the urge to use the restroom vanishing along with you. 

It's hard to summarize three years

More like four years

With each step, flashbacks ravaged through his mind. 

“Hey, (Name), can I talk to you?”

You look up from your lunch, startled. “Oh! Sure thing, Iwaizumi-kun.” You stand up, “I’ll be right back,” you smile at your friends before following the wing-spiker to the vending machines. “What can I do for ya?”

Iwaizumi froze, your dazzling smile freezing him in the spot. He cleared his throat, shaking his head. “Do you wanna go out sometime? Today maybe?”

“Oh!” If it was possible, you grinned brighter. “Sure, I’ve always liked you.”

“Wait, really?” 

You nod happily. “Yeah! Ever since we met last year as first years.” 

He blinked. “Me too.” 

“You liked you since last year?” You put a hand on your hip, a teasing lilt in your voice.

Iwaizumi scowled, “I meant I liked you too. Since last year. Dumbass.”

Your giggle made his heart fluttered. “I know.” You lean up, pressing your lips to his cheek. “See you for our date later then, Iwaizumi-kun!”

He shook his head, cursing his memories. 

“Aw, I love you.” His head snapped up, hearing someone’s voice echo those words in a playful, mocking tone. 

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

You plopped down on the bench beside him, elbowing him. “I’m sorry about the game.”

He shrugged, pulling a hand out of his pocket to grab onto yours. “S’no big deal.”

“It is to you.” You squeezed his hand. “You were amazing out there, Hajime.”

Iwaizumi snorted, shaking his head. “If I was so amazing, why do we lose to Shiratorizawa every time?”

“Mmm, that’s not your fault though,” you pointed out. “And there’s always next tournament. You have time, I believe in you.”

He sighed, shoulders slumped. You look curiously at him. You’d never participated in sports or competitions, not really understanding what it was like to work so hard for something only to be beaten every single time.

“I love you.”

His head snapped up, brows furrowed as his jaw gaped slightly. “Wait what?”

You shrug. “I said I love you.” You squeeze his hand. “I love you, Iwaizumi Hajime and I think you’re the best spiker in the whole wide world!” 

He rolled his eyes, shaken out of the spell you’d cast over him. “I love you too, dumbass.” He muttered under his breath.

“What was that?” You tease, blinking at him with those eyes that sparkled like the setting sun. 

Iwaizumi cleared his throat, tugging you closer to his side as he rested his chin on your head. “I said I love you too.” 

Oh, to hell with all your silver linings

And I'm tempted to distract myself, I'm trying not to

“Iwa-chan, you never call me anymore!” Oikawa’s whiny voice called Iwaizumi to flinch, his eyebrows furrowed in irritation.

“Maybe if you weren’t such an annoying little shit I wouldn’t avoid you,” Iwaizumi growled. He leaned back, throwing his head over the couch. 

“You’re so mean,” Oikawa grumbled. “Is this because you broke up with (Name)? Or did they break up with you?”

“Oikawa,” Iwaizumi warned, a sharp tick in his voice. “Don’t go there.”

“Why? Isn’t it better now? You can go pursue your dreams, move to new countries and do whatever you want.”

“I said leave it alone!” Iwaizumi bellowed, hanging up the phone and hurling it away from him. He stood, pacing as anger pulsed through his body. He didn’t need a reminder of how ‘good’ life would be without you. He just wanted you. He wanted to come home to you, wanted to hold you in his arms at the end of every night. 

He stalked towards the fridge, throwing it open and reaching for a beer before he paused. 

Drowning his sorrows wouldn’t do anything. Wouldn’t change that you were no longer his, and he was no longer yours. With an irritated click of his tongue, he slammed the fridge door shut, leaning his forehead against the cool metal. 

He needed a distraction, but not like this. He sighed, peeling one eye open to notice the gym bag peeking around the corner up at him. 

Maybe it was time to start working out again. 

Internally he laughed. Wasn’t that exactly what he was doing now? Drowning his sorrows with the golden ichor that drove even the most controlled of humans into chaos and sin? 

His feet started moving faster and faster, needing to escape from the suffocating weight of his memories. Not now, not in this room where everyone - especially you - could see him. 

He didn’t need the world to know that he wasn’t over his ex. 

Everyone wants an explanation

And I don't know what to say anymore

He still remembered the first time that people had found out that you’d broken up. The wave of texts that he had gotten when he first posted a photo that didn’t feature you, but featured another girl. 

“Hajime, let’s take a photo together!” She pouted, crossing her arms.

He rolled his eyes but allowed her to. She was just a friend, someone he’d met in class. They’d met up at a party and somehow he found himself posing for the photo, letting her throw her arms around his neck as she took the selfie. In his drunken state, he barely noticed the intimacy of it before he posted the photo onto his InstaFeed. 

[Oikawa]: Wow, she’s looking close! Won’t (Name) be jealous ;) 

[Mattsun]: damnnn, California changed ya, Iwaizumi!

[Makki]: Woof woof! Mind giving me her number?

[Oikawa]: hold on, where are all the pictures of you and (Name)??? Did something happen?

[Makki]: Wait, did you guys break up?

[Mattsun]: whoaaaa, when did this happen?

Iwaizumi shook his head, staring at his InstaFeed before tapping on the archive button and bringing up the hundreds of pictures - the ones that featured you. He stared at your face, tears welling up in his eyes.

[Oikawa]: oi, don’t ignore us

[Iwaizumi]: it’s none of your business. Now fuck off.

He shoved his phone back into his pocket, turning back to the girl as he reached for another beer. He didn’t want to think about this. 

Not now. 

Not when all he wanted to do was call you.   

“What happened between you two?” Oikawa asked, looking down at his best friend as Iwaizumi rejoined them at the table. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” Iwaizumi snarled, anger in his features.

“Haji.” Your voice came crisp and clear through his computer as he stared at your face through the screen.

“What’s wrong?” Iwaizumi frowned, hearing the slight tremor in your voice.

“I..I can’t do this anymore.”

“What?”

You swallow, finally meeting his eyes and he noticed how red and swollen they were. “I don’t wanna do this distance thing anymore. You’re doing so many great things and I just...You deserve better.”

“Wait, baby, what are you talking about?”

“Haji, I love you so much,” you force out, giving him a teary smile. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.” 

“(Name), wait-”

“Goodbye.”

The beep of Zoom ended the call as Iwaizumi stared in anguish at the screen.

“She didn’t want to try anymore, I guess,” Iwaizumi shrugged. He stared at you for a moment longer. 

You looked happier - sounded happier too. 

He sighed, sipping from his glass just as he noticed who slipped to your side. A hand settled on your hip, causing you to start before you looked up at the person who the hand belonged to.

He could just imagine your voice - soft and doting as you leaned up to kiss Daichi’s cheek. 

At least you found someone close to home, someone who would always be there for you and someone you could depend on. 

Iwaizumi turned back to his table, ignoring the pitiful looks from his friends as he sought out the bottom of his glass. He never imagined how badly it would hurt - just how much the smallest glimpse and interaction of you would throw his emotions into turmoil. Another sigh left his lips.

He couldn’t do this any longer. 

Couldn’t be in the same room as you.

“I’m leaving,” he announced bluntly, slamming his glass down before grabbing his coat. “I’ll see you guys later.” 

In his wake, he felt the heat of your eyes on his back. 

Did you still think about him like he thought of you? 

Did you feel the same pain that he did when he saw you? 

Did you ever think about your relationship with him? 

He shook his head, swatting away the malicious thoughts that threatened to overwhelm him. He had to get away, now. There was no more ‘us’ when it came to you, and there never will be. He could only hope that the next time he saw you, he wouldn’t have to run away. 

After all, it shouldn’t hurt this badly to be in the same room as you, right? 

*****

AN: All I felt was *pain* writing this ahahaha. Hope you enjoyed my addition to this collab!! Please be sure to check-out the rest of the incredible writers of @babythotshq​ ! 

general taglist: @kaizumi @newfriendjen  @kyomihann @cheerysparkle @seiijixcia​ @shoyomeow @tsumue​ @terminallyvolatile​ @aruhappy​ 

collab taglist: @suhkusa @momoinot @boosyboo9206 @ariasnight @heykoutarou @celamoon @kweenregent @Arriverderciroque @vicassa@badgirlputin @ashhhh26 @luckypartyranchmug @throughtheinterstices @koushisun @postsfromthe6 @chaelysian @ynjimenez @2o-done @hohochaan​ @thatnikkixx​ @69owo​ @Solarskiesdream @mattsuns-prettybaby​ @shirachu​ @moonlightaangel​ @madusas-girlfriend​ @d-angerboys​ @lulu-102​ @anejuuuuoy​ @tsumue​ @satansassbutt​ @Killmeplz-uwu @serihandfn​ 

you are the reason | c.bg

Choi Beomgyu

❦ genre: angst, beomgyu x reader, heartbreak,

❦ description: after a recent breakup beomgyu attempts to rekindle your broken relationship

❦ word count: 1k

❦ warning‼️: mentions of heartbreak and toxic relationships

❦ note: i’m currently writing another au, but wanted to keep my brain going and thought of this. i was inspired by the song you are the reason by calum scott. this is also unedited and was written at 3 am so keep that in mind. this turned out longer than i expected it to be

—

people tend to become a different person whenever they get in a relationship. this isn’t always a bad thing. you can grow as a person... or you can lose yourself in the process. love is beautiful, but risky.

one simple sentence is enough to tear your whole world apart. it’s almost as if you could hear your own heart shatter all at once. you don’t have time to prepare yourself, even when you start to see the inevitable. the constant fighting... the constant crying, could never make you stop loving them. you never want to hurt them, but it seemed to happen nearly every week.

it had been a day after one of your big fights- arguing about why you couldn’t see him everyday. it seemed like beomgyu lost his trust in you, becoming more and more possessive. he didn’t like you hanging around his friends or anyone for that matter. this only got worse when he started to target your friends, blaming them for the relationship problems they had no part in.

even so you ignored all of the signs. you just wanted to make him happy. when he would sit with you at lunch, you wouldn’t talk to your friends because he would get upset. things only seemed to get worse and you felt like you were trapped in a cage... just waiting- hoping for someone to let you out.

until one day... you were set free, but not in the way you would’ve liked.

“maybe we should take a break.” you could never forget the aggravation in his voice when he said that. was it out of impulse? maybe... but he didn’t take it back. this one sentence was enough to silence everything in the dimly lit house. the silence seemed painfully loud to you... it told you everything you didn’t want to admit. your relationship... was over.

“what do you mean by a break?” your voice seemed raspy, barely able to escape your throat as the lump started to form. if he could just reassure you that the two of you would be okay... you might just believe him.

“i mean... let’s not see eachother until i decide what to do.” he couldn’t even look you in the eye as your heart tore. you didn’t want to keep beating yourself up about this anymore. your heart felt weak... tired of the endless worrying and pain.

“no... beomgyu. i need you to choose between us and breaking up. i’m done with not talking to you for days on end. i can’t keep worrying that you’re going to decide you don’t want to be with me anymore, so choose right now.” if it were for him... you would forget all of this just to be held in his arms one more time, but you were also tired. if he wanted to give up... then you would too.

“i don’t know y/n! i can’t keep arguing like this with you!” his deep booming voice shocked you, causing you to flinch as he looked up at you with tears in his eyes.

“what are you saying?” you asked, just wanting an answer. you had to clench your fist, knuckles turning white, in order to contain your overwhelming sadness.

“i guess what i’m saying is... we just don’t work. let’s just break up.” and just like that he said his answer. you don’t know what you wanted to hear. were you glad to finally be free or were you upset that you didn’t give it one last try. either way... it was done and over now.

“okay then. we’re through.” you needed to get out of this house that seemed to be closing in on you. you felt like you were suffocating, your insides begging for air as you choked by tears. brushing past beomgyu, you rushed to your car. this would be the last time you would come here, but you didn’t look back. the weather seemed to cry with you, gently colliding with the windows of your car.

once you got home the storm only got worse, the harsh rain crashing on your roof as you sobbed. the fierce lightning seeming to mix with your silent screams. it hurt so bad and you didn’t know what to do. it was hard to catch your breath, having to take sharp inhaled breaths in between your sobs. it was hard to think of anything but him. no matter what you tried, your mind had just repeated what had happened over and over and over again. could you have done anything different? why did it have to end? how is this fair? why me? somebody please save me, you pleaded in your mind. the pain was too much to bear.

—

you awoke to a silent knock on your wooden door frame. sleep seemed to be your only escape from this heart-wrenching pain and you only wished that it could’ve lasted a bit longer.

“y/n...” beomgyu’s soft shaky voice only spiked dread in you. you thought you were beginning to hear things until the door started to open.

“no! no... just... don’t.” you weren’t ready to see him, in fact you didn’t want to see him. he paused before you heard a small sigh come from him.

“okay... just... promise me you’ll listen to me.” you didn’t respond to the guilty voice coming from outside your room. how could you when your own voice would betray you?

“y/n i love you... and i know that i haven’t made anything easy on you. i’ve let my own insecurities get in the way of us. i just... i want you to know i would do anything for you. if I could turn back the clock i would and i would make sure you were happy. i would make sure we were happy. i don’t want us to cry anymore.” he paused, “just... please... please let me fix what i broke. i want...no i need you to see that you are the reason that i can better myself.”

you contemplated his words. you didn’t want to make a mistake. if it didn’t work out again then you would just be heart broken all over again. did you want to start moving on?

beomgyu took this silence as reason to open the door, your head shooting up as you met with his swollen red eyes, hood over his head as his eyes looked down at you, pleading for another chance. this was enough for you to make up your mind, rushing towards him as you placed your hands on his cheeks, bringing him towards you. his arms wrapped around your torso, tight almost as if he would lose you again. his soft, dry lips collided with yours and you remembered what home had felt like.

“i love you.” you don’t know if this was the right choice for the future, but in this moment you were glad to have the man of your dreams right here with you.

OUTR-BANKS MASTERLIST

Hello everyone !

Welcome to my masterlist. Basically just a post that compiles all of my written work together.

- This list solely consists any of my Outer Banks related fics I made/or will make.

- I tend to write when a specific song inspires me but I most certainly take requests.

- Anything that I’ve written or will write, is one hundred percent fictional, and is mostly based on fictional characters. Which brings me to my next point.

- Because I am stan of my loves Rudy Pankow and Drew Starkey, I will write fics about them. Only thing is, I’ll probably lean towards keeping it PG-13 just for personal preference. Unto my next point.

- I do write smut. The smut I write varies depending what it’s about, and if i’m in the mood. I don’t really like going into too much detail, but you’ll definitely get to the point... if you know what I mean ;)

- I try to write all of my requests but it can be a challenge. I fear that my love for writing will be drained if I do them all. I will most likely pick the ones I’m most excited about writing first.

Lastly, please be patient with me, I put a lot of time and effort. I truly want to give great content! Thank you for taking your time into reading my work, it really warms my heart and encourages me to work better and harder. I love feedback and hearing what you all have to say or want, so it would be much appreciated if you do so.

enjoy.

JJ MAYBANK

*gif is not mine credit to owner*

• Dark (JJ x reader)

warning: angst, intense, sad, a slight mention of a toxic relationship, no happy ending (soz)

+ song inspired

In which JJ has had enough of your uncertainty on how you feel about him. Love is scary and frightening, so this leads to lies knowing it will hurt less than the truth. But, it doesn’t.

• Stronger (JJ x reader)

warning: angst, tension, a bit of fluff

+ song inspired

In which JJ and his father have another fight moments after bailing him out of jail once again. He seeks normalcy and relaxation at your place, but has a hard time confronting his feelings when you do.

• Intoxicated (JJ x reader)

warning: underage intoxication, tension, angst, moderate language

+ song inspired

In which a drunk JJ says everything that is on his mind and heart about his love for you. Sometimes drunk words are sober thoughts.

RAFE CAMERON

*gif is not mine credit to owner*

• Okay (Rafe x reader)

warning: angst, sad, tension, mention of drug abuse

+ song inspired

In which you realize you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. Even if it’s the boy you’re in love with. It hurts to leave him, but will hurt greater if you don’t.

• Okay pt. 2 (Rafe x reader)

warning: tension, romance, mention of past drug abuse

+ song inspired

In which it’s been two years since your breakup with Rafe Cameron. With everything that happened in the past, memories resurface along with feelings. The power of overcoming the things that seemed impossible, most importantly, doing it together.

• Paradise (Rafe x reader)

warning: smut (fingering), mild language

+ song inspired + requested

In which you ask Rafe to help you put on a bathing suit, but he messes around a little bit first.

• All In (Rafe x reader)

warning: none just fluff

+ song inspired + requested

In which babysitting during the summer didn’t totally suck. Especially, for the pining older brother.

• All In pt. 2 (Rafe x reader)

warning: tension, little angst, light fluff

+ song inspired + requested

In which you’re on a date with Rafe Cameron after a whole summer of him pining after you. Sometimes dates determine whether you’re all in... or not.

• So Bad (Rafe x reader)

warning: smut (shower sex), language

+ song inspired + requested

In which a shower is the perfect stress reliever.

• What happened, happened. (Rafe x reader)

warning: slight angst, mention of a fight, mild language, light explicit content

+ series

pt.1

In which you end up taking care of a beaten up Rafe Cameron after a kook versus pogue brawl in the midst of his twentieth birthday party. It’s a party that changes, everything.

POPE HEYWARD

• The Ways (Pope x reader)

warning: tensions, fluff

+ requested

In which you take notice of all the ways the boy you’re in love with be helplessly in love with his best friend. You’re tired of seeing it, especially tired of being unseen.

our paradise, poisoned // sirius black

Summary: reader & sirius are in a toxic relationship: they argue all the time and hurt each other compulsively. Is this their last argument?

Request: Reader x Sirius ANGSTY imagine based on the song 'Another Love' (Tom Odell I thought) , Post-Hogwarts a couple years. Y/n and Sirius are together and live together but things have become really toxic between them, they're always arguing over everything, he's flirting with other girls and cheating on her, he comes home smelling like other girls perfumes and it just gets worse and worse until they have a messy breakup! ANGST ending please :) Thank you!

A/N: got this was so hard to write bc I’m a slut for a happy ending but holy cow angst is cathartic

Reader: female

Warnings: toxic relationships, sad omg, slightly nsfw, sex talk, swearing, cat-calling, angst

Sirius had left over an hour ago with the door slamming behind him. You didn’t know where he was going but you could guess. You saw the way he stared at other girls; you knew the smell on his skin. You felt sick at the thought of it. As you sat on the floor in your hallway, knees brought to your chest and cheeks stiff with dried tears, you stared at the photo hung on the wall. It was only three years old, but the gilded frame was dusty and untouched. It was taken the day you moved into the house. You barely recognised the smiling faces in it anymore. He was holding you in his arms, his smile wide and bright whilst you laughed at something he’d said, head tipped backwards.

It used to be his favourite picture. You used to love each other.

In a twisted way, you still did. Every time you argued, every time the door slammed, every time you slept alone, your heart broke a little bit more. And then it numbed. Every time you thought you’d run out of tears, there were more to come. Every time you thought he’d hurt you the worst he ever would, he proved you wrong. That’s not to say you didn’t pull your weight. You remembered the look on his face the first time you’d brought up his mother in an argument; you’d never wanted to hurt him like that but you couldn’t deny the horrible relief at the pain in his eyes. You were glad, actually, that you could hurt him as much as he’d hurt you. You were glad he cared enough for your words to still sting. You regretted it now, though, sat on the floor of your home on your own.

You weren’t always like this: he used to bring you daffodils every day; you used to cook dinner together and dance; you’d laugh together always; the safest you’d ever felt had been in his arms. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d been there, now. You couldn’t remember what it felt like. You still fucked, though, sometimes. He used to love you, properly, but there was nothing but hatred now. You used to cuddle afterwards; he’d place kisses into your hair and onto your skin. And now even when his body was hot against yours, it was cold. You didn’t look at each other in the eyes anymore. You were scared, honestly, of what you would see. Whether you were more afraid of his hatred or your own reflection, you didn’t know. And so, you sat there, feeling the cold wooden floor beneath you, scared and hurt.

It had been months since the last time Sirius had acknowledged you at all. It was your anniversary and you’d gone out to eat. It had been a sordid affair, lifeless and empty. He’d paid, which would’ve been nice, had it not just been out of habit. His eyes had lingered on the waitress. You noticed. When you left, the silence between you was loud and heavy. You walked a foot apart; no one could mistake you for lovers. That might’ve been why the guy shouted at you from the doorway of an abandoned building.

“You alright, sugar tits?”

Your mood soured even further. You just ignored him, but for some reason, he rubbed Sirius the wrong way. Sirius broke his left hand that night, defending your honour, you would’ve said in the past. Now you didn’t know why. You’d wrapped his bruised hand in bandage in an uncharacteristically soft moment for the two of you. It didn’t last. You’d cried during sex that night. You hoped he didn’t notice. The next morning, you woke up to an empty bed again.

Clenching your jaw, deciding you’d had enough, you walked upstairs and into your bedroom. You began to pack a bag, shoving clothes into a rucksack and occasionally wiping your nose with the back of your hand. You thought about when you first met. You were just kids, only seventeen-years-old and partners in Potions. He was absolutely useless, but recklessly charming despite himself.

“Have you tried reading the textbook upside down?” you asked, raising an eyebrow. He opened his mouth indignantly, turned to you with his eyebrows dark and furrowed. And then the corners of his mouth lifted.

“You’re making fun of me.” He realised, suddenly curious about you.

“I am making fun of you.”

“Well, two can play at that game, Y/N.”

You’d been thick as thieves ever since. You got along with his friends and they enjoyed how happy you made him. You’d been so in love that you moved in together straight after you’d graduated; you had no idea what you’d become after that photo was taken just outside, on the driveway.

You were so immersed in your reverie that you hadn’t noticed the front door shut.

“What are you doing?” Sirius asked, standing in the doorway.

Your chest tightened. You bit back a bitter, sacrastic remark, eyes on the bag in front of you.

“I’m leaving, Sirius.”

“What?” he asked, stepping closer. You could smell the perfume on him. It wasn’t yours. “You can’t be serious.”

Your heart clenched. He’d probably ruined that sentence for you for life.

“We can’t carry on like this.”

He was silent for a moment.

“So, you’re just going to- just fucking leave?” he ran a hand through his hair. “Give up on us?”

“There is no us,” you said, finally turning to him. “There stopped being an ‘us’ a long fucking time ago.”

His eyes were dark and shiny with tears. He looked angry. Frustrated. He scoffed.

“Of course, you’d say that.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means this is what you do, Y/N. You give up on things.”

“How dare you.” you watched him laugh sardonically. “How can you say that to me when you’re the one out with other girls?”

He watched your face, he’d hurt you enough times to recognise the way his words changed the shape of your lips, the angle of your brow. He regretted every decision he’d made to lead him to this moment. You, standing across from him, like this.

“Oh, we both know I’m not the only one.”

“Fuck you, Sirius. I would never hurt you like that.”

“Get off your high horse, Y/N.” he spat. “You used everything you could to hurt me.”

You couldn’t deny that. You remembered the arguments.

“Why do you care then? Why do you give a shit if I’m leaving?” Your eyes were wild. Why did you want him to say he loved you? It’s not like it would make it any better.

“Where will you go?”

“Does it fucking matter? Away from here.”

“I’m so sorry living with me was so fucking hard for you.”

He clenched his jaw as you turned to face him again. You ran a shaky hand through your hair before pointing a finger at him. He could see the tears brimming. He wanted to stop so badly. He couldn’t.

“Don’t make it seem like you didn’t notice. I’ve cried every night for the last month. We argue all the time. All the time, Sirius.” He opened his mouth but you cut him off. “We argued last week about who forgot to buy milk even though I didn’t care. We argued yesterday, even, about arguing.”

He knew you were right. It didn’t matter though. He was so tired of all of it but he couldn’t stop himself. He had to show he cared somehow.

“I don’t know what happened to us,” you said, somewhat resigned to the fate of your relationship now. “I’m sorry it ends like this.”

“I can’t believe you’re going to walk out after everything.” He watched you pick up your bag, letting you move past him. He followed you down the stairs. “Don’t you care at all?”

“Of course, I care.”

“It doesn’t bloody look like it.” Sirius shouted, stopping behind you. He grabbed the picture off the wall.

“You were everything to me, Sirius.” You looked down at the picture in his hand; he just stared at your face. “You still are.”

“Then why are you leaving me?” he said softly. His anger dissipated for a moment and you were met with the young boy you’d seen so many years ago. His eyes were full of unshed tears and his chest was almost heaving with emotion. The foolish part of you had hope. You reached over to tuck a fallen strand of hair behind his ear. When he flinched away, your heart broke and what little remained for you in that house died with it.

“Because I have to.”

You wanted to tell him everything. You wanted to give him everything. But you didn’t have anything left to give. You were just an empty shell. You stopped at the front door, sniffling as your tears really started to flow. You heard the sound of the picture hitting the floor, dropped from Sirius’ hand as he sunk to sit on the stairs. You wanted to tell him you loved him and that you always would, that you were sorry for a thousand things. You couldn’t. You opened the door and walked out. You just kept walking. You know that if you stopped, you’d turn back.

Sirius sat on the stairs with his head in his hands for hours. He stopped crying eventually, running out of tears. His eyes stung and his chest ached; he’d nearly pulled his hair out. He sat there, emptier than he had been for a while as he picked up the metal picture frame. He tipped the broken glass onto the ground, looking at the photo inside. It hadn’t been that long ago, not really. But somehow it had been forever. He couldn’t tell, sitting there on the stairs, whether he loved you or hated you, but he figured that, as it had been for a while, the answer was both.

Rant: Lili + Cole

I recently deactivated on Twitter because of how toxic the Riverdale fandom has gotten on there.  I am reactivating now, on different terms, to say this. I just hope someone hears me:

I’m no longer comfortable speaking my mind on here (on twitter).

I’ve been called naive and stupid for believing c&l are “on a break” (not together, not broken up). This ALWAYS comes from the teenagers on this app that haven’t had a single relationship and therefore do not understand how complicated it can really be. Life and relationships are not black and white—the gray area exists. As someone who speaks from experience, it is hurtful to have my opinion ignored and trampled on—instead getting called crazy and a local for not siding with those of you who say they’re broken up. Seriously? Real mature.

I want to be clear that I’ve ALWAYS been an account that promotes their privacy—I have never went “looking for proof” that they are still together (or not). I don’t have time for that. I do not care where they stand, I care they are HAPPY.

I’m upset because I see so many of you—who I thought were kind and smart and caring—not acting with kindness. You laugh or make fun of those who oppose you. You get angry and argue to death. People ALWAYS end up hurt.

If Lili or Cole saw your tweets, do you think they would think you’re a good person for making someone else feel stupid?

Let me be clear: we’re all free to have our opinions. But it’s wrong when you push your opinion so hard, that it’s the only thing that’s “right” and everyone else is “wrong.” In reality, sure, you MAY BE RIGHT—but when in the hell are you all going to learn we never know SHIT?

You act like you know them. “He/she posted that story because of that breakup.” ”He/she is probably SO sad after that, poor them.” ”Aw, so glad he/she looks happy, he/she’s been through a lot.”

NEWSFLASH: YOU DO NOT KNOW AN INDIVIDUAL based off their social media!! You DON’T know what they’re thinking or feeling. You don’t know what they’re going through.

You don’t know why they broke up (IF they broke up). You don’t know that they’re not seeing each other every fucking weekend. Maybe they broke up and are still FaceTiming behind the scenes? We don’t fucking know. And we don’t deserve to know. We are not part of their lives.

You don’t know why Cole deactivated. Yeah the obvious hate could be a factor—but is that the reason why? Maybe he’s been thinking of that for a while? Maybe he’s taking a break? Did he say why? No. So we don’t know why. THAT is a fact.

You don’t know why Lili posts certain songs or pictures or memes on Instagram. Are you in her head? NO. Stop trying to get in it!

We see what they want us to see, a literal SLIVER of their lives. Wouldn’t it infuriate you to have a mutual on here act like they know you, based off of your tweets?

I’m just tired of seeing the fighting. The ignorance. The dangerously invalidating assumptions. The intentional bullying and shaming because you can’t agree to disagree.

You’re NEVER going to agree on everything and that’s FINE. But is it so hard to just be a decent human being? Be respectful and kind?

For this reason I will be unfollowing most people on here. Twitter used to be a fun escape for me—it’s not anymore. It’s negative here. It triggers my anxiety.

I will remain active to tweet about our #bugheadendgame and to share in the successes of lili and cole. I’ll continue to share my writing because that’s important to me.

I apologize in advance for breaking the mutual but I need to make my tl the positive place it used to be. 💖

I think I may permanently move to tumblr....y’all are more kind over here. And mature lol.

I really hope people wake up on twitter. I’m sad to no longer have a happy space on there. ><

ends | mark lee (pt 3)

summary | part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4

Mark’s POV

Word Count: 3.6k

Warnings: none

Chapter Summary: “I saw how happy you made her. No one could compare to that. That wasn’t something in your head. It was real, and everyone around you can see it, too.”

Mark walked out of the SM building. He was going to check on Hyuck who has been gone for nearly twenty minutes just to get coffee. Even if there was a line at the cafe, he wouldn’t take this long. He probably got distracted by something again.

Mark wanted to get coffee for himself as well. If this was two months ago, he would have easily told Hyuck what he wanted, no question. But something between them is just not right at the moment. He wanted to fix it, but how can he when he had no idea where and why it started to go wrong?

He turned at the corner and immediately stopped in his tracks. Hyuck was there but he wasn’t alone.

She was there, too, hugging Hyuck who was trying not to spill six cups of coffee in his hands.

Mark counted. One. Two. Three… four... five counts before she let go.

His heart skipped a beat. He hasn’t seen her since the day they broke up. So many times he wanted to call her to ask her how she’s doing. So many times he typed a good night text out of habit before realizing he shouldn’t. So many times he looked at her face on the wallpaper of his phone, telling himself he should change it, but he never had the guts to.

And now she’s here, as beautiful as ever. She was smiling up to her eyes, a look he had seen so many times before, but this time, she was looking at someone else. It wasn’t even a look that screams admiration. It was just a look of pure respect, but somehow, it still hurt.

“I’m the biggest idiot,” he told himself with a sigh.

Before Mark knew it, Y/N was walking away and Hyuck was coming his way. He bowed his head and continued walking as if nothing happened, partly hoping Hyuck won't recognize him.

Mark was knocked out of his thoughts when Renjun patted him on the back. He was already saying his ment which meant that Mark is next.

He looked at the crowd. For the most part, it was green. That alone made him thankful. The Dreamies told him to introduce the next song. Everyone cheered, but nothing felt right. He always feels so alive on the stage like nothing could possibly go wrong. But today, not even the screams of the fans could lift his mood up.

“Alright, so this next song,” Mark started, desperately trying to clear his head, “it’s one of those songs that play between happy and sad. It’s one of my favorite songs that we’ve ever released. It actually has a much deeper meaning if you allow yourself to think about it. And lately…”

He thought of all the times he wished he could hold Y/N’s hands a little longer, to talk to her a little more. He remembered secretly wanting her to miss the last bus just so he could spend time with her a bit more and walk her home. It seems they’ve already ran out of those moments.

“Lately, it made me realize how scary it is  to think how you could lose someone at the blink of an eye, how you could say goodbye before realizing you’re not ready to let go of them at all.” His voice nearly cracked but he cleared his throat.

“Mark hyung sounds so worried about his graduation this year,” Hyuck teased, trying to change the mood. He was smiling, but something in his eyes felt threatening.

The audience awed. But everyone on the stage knew what Mark really meant.

After seeing Hyuck’s gaze, Mark quickly changed the subject. “Unfortunately, this is our last song for today. So think of it as our parting gift for you. But we’ll see each other again, right?” He pointed his mic to the crowd.

They cheered. The Dreamies smiled.

“This song’s called Walk You Home.”

The song started. He could feel the pressure of six eyes beside him, looking worriedly. The internal atmosphere within the group is so far from that of the crowd. Mark felt guilty.

He knew he hasn’t been 100%. He tries to hide it as he always does, but the boys always know when something is off. They haven’t been acting normal around him lately, like they’re trying too hard not to be a pain in the ass, but it just made him more uncomfortable.

When the song ended, they said their goodbyes and went backstage. Mark went straight to the dressing room.

Then the boys entered one by one.

He was just on his phone, staring at his lockscreen for far too long, not unlocking it, but not allowing the screen to turn dark either. It was like he was waiting for something to pop up, but he wasn’t sure what.

“Hyung,” Jeno said. “Are you okay?”

Mark nodded. “Why? Is something wrong?”

“You‘ve been staring at Y/N’s face on your phone for too long,” Renjun said. “It’s not going to talk.”

“Why is her face still there anyway? Aren’t you guys supposed to be over?” Jaemin asked.

“I, um, I just forgot to change it. I got used to this one so…” Mark cleared his throat, putting his phone in his pocket. “I wasn’t even looking at her face.”

“Then why are you staring at your phone like an idiot?” Renjun asked.

“He’s waiting for something,” Chenle said.

Hyuck sighed as he took off his mic. “Hyung, that ‘great job on your stage today’ text won’t arrive because you broke up with the person who used to send you that, remember?”

Jisung’s eyes shifted uncomfortably from Mark to Haechan then back to Mark.

Mark didn’t reply. He just took his mic and in-ear off quietly. Hyuck has been slyly giving him comments like that since the break up and he was always too tired to argue. Mostly because he’s right.

“Why did you even break up with her? She used to bring us sushi after our events. Now we just settle for instant ramen,” Chenle said.

Jisung frowned. “But you love instant ramen.”

“Sure, but sushi??? For free???”

“And a non-toxic, unawkward atmosphere in the dressing room, plus a much happier Mark hyung?” Renjun added. “It makes us miss Y/N.”

“It’s about time we ask. Why did you break up, Hyung?” Jeno asked, his tone genuinely curious.

“You brats, why are we talking about this? Aren’t you all tired already?” Mark sighed.

Hyuck snorted. “We are, but when we’re tired, we just rest. We don’t break up with our girlfriends.”

“We don’t have girlfriends,” Jisung noted.

Jaemin rolled his eyes. “Yeah, thanks for bringing that up.”

“We broke up because that’s what people do when they don’t love each other anymore, okay? Are you happy now?” Mark snapped, throwing his in-ear to its box.

On the other side of the room, Mark heard Hyuck mutter, “That is the dumbest excuse I’ve ever heard.”

“What did you say?”

“I said you’re a fool,” Hyuck jibed. “You’re nothing but a selfish naive little shit who can’t appreciate what you have when you have it. You have no right– absolutely no right to feel this sorry for yourself when you’ve hurt someone far worse than this.”

“What’s your problem?” Mark challenged.

“Donghyuck, don’t—“ Jeno tried. But Hyuck couldn’t be bothered.

“No,” he said. “I’m sick of seeing you look so down all the time when you’re the one who broke up with her. If breakups happen because people stopped loving each other, then you shouldn’t have broken up in the first place. Literally everyone can see how much you still love her, and the whole world knows she still loves you. Maybe if you just cared enough to look past your selfish reasons, you wouldn’t be in this shit right now. But you know what? You brought this upon yourself. You deserve this. But Y/N? She doesn’t. So why don’t you think about that?”

Mark couldn’t speak. His face slowly turned into a frown, not because he was mad but because he was confused. He didn’t know what just happened. One moment, they were just teasing him, and now Hyuck just snapped at him about his breakup. 

“I don’t understand,” he said, “why does my breakup with Y/N even bother you this much?”

Hyuck pursed his lips. He had something to say but decided against it. Instead, he just turned around and walked towards the door. “I don’t have time for this. Tell the 127 hyungs I’m sleeping at the Dreamies’ dorms tonight. If they asked why, tell them,” he said.

The Dreamies groaned in protest.

“Shut up,” Hyuck just said before walking out completely.

Just like that, he was gone. The tension and awkwardness in the dressing room increased exponentially that the guys started leaving one by one until Mark was left alone with even more questions, and a whole level of hate directed at no one but himself.

2 weeks have passed since the incident. Hyuck is back at the 127 dorms but he and Mark still barely see each other. When they do, they don’t talk. No one questioned it, but the rumor circled around the group pretty quickly. No one dared approach Mark about it, not even Doyoung who usually had a say about everything.

A few days ago, Mark went out for a walk to clear his mind. He wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. The only two people who he felt could understand what he was going through wasn’t there for him anymore.

He didn’t mind where he was going since his mind was as busy as his feet. It was too late when he realized he was walking across the street of the building where Y/N was working. It was out of the way from work or anywhere the group usually goes to. So he was surprised to see Hyuck leaned against the wall of said building, clearly waiting for someone.

Y/N appeared a few minutes later. She had that same big smile on her face when she saw him. It didn’t look like it was a surprise. They hugged and started walking towards the opposite direction where Mark was headed to, immersed in talking to each other.

Meanwhile, at the other side of the road, Mark stood dumbfounded. He felt like he’d been punched in the gut. He was watching his girl go out with his best friend with a smile she used to have while looking at him. Hyuck was doing everything he used to.

Does she like him? he thought. He couldn’t even answer himself.

Mark wanted to ask Hyuck about that night when he got back at the dorms, but whenever he even went close, Hyuck would take one look at him and leave the room.

There had been no contact between them since the dressing room incident, or when they’re forced to talk to each other on screen… until today, when Hyuck texted Mark asking to meet him. It came so much a surprise that Mark wondered if the Dreamies were just pranking him.

“마크 바보 (Mark idiot), meet me at xxxxx cafe in 20 minutes. k?”

But no one other than Hyuck calls him an idiot without so much as a ‘hyung.’

Mark replied okay. He didn’t know what this was about, but despite the fact that he’s been in his pajamas all day or that today is his only rest day for the whole week or that it was already 8 in the evening, he was ready faster than he is on most mornings.

When he arrived, Hyuck was at the corner of the cafe. His back was facing the rest of the world so Mark snuck up on him easily.

“Why did you call me here?” he asked as he sat down across from him.

The cafe was half full but no one minded anyone. Everyone was on their laptops and cellphones and college textbooks.

“I wanted to talk,” Hyuck said, sipping from his cup.

“Why not just at the dorms?”

“Why can’t you just shut up?” Hyuck sighed. “I was out today and I didn’t want to go back to the dorms yet. I’m sick of hearing Doyoung hyung nagging at me to talk to you.”

“But you’re talking to me right now,” Mark pointed out.

Hyuck glared at him, making Mark feel stupid. He’s a scary person in general. Sure, he’s adorable in the eyes of many, but God, the way his mind works is on another level. Hyuck could plan something that’s months in the making. He is a great deceiver and he loves it.

“I just want to say I’m sorry,” Hyuck said, his eyes averting Mark’s gaze, “for lashing out on you in the dressing room. And for making bad faces at you behind your back, and also for telling Johnny hyung that you’re the one who stole his sandwich.”

“But I‘m not–” Mark tried to protest. Johnny clearly warned everyone not to touch his sandwich. He got it from a restaurant on the other side of town.

“That’s not the point,” Hyuck cut in. “I know I’ve been horrible to you lately–more than usual, I mean. And I’m sorry.”

Mark’s eyebrows furrowed. “That’s okay, but… why?”

Hyuck let out a deep breath. “Because you’re an idiot,” he said. “I hate what you did to Y/N. And I hate that I sort of helped you do it.”

Mark’s face contorted even more, completely confused.

“You were at a crisis, remember? You thought you were falling out of love because you’re so tired of keeping up your relationship with her,” Hyuck said. “Then I told you that if you wanted to, just break up with her. Somehow, I feel like that helped convince you to do it. And you did.”

Mark nodded. He remembered that day. He still couldn’t imagine Y/N listening to their conversation. He couldn’t imagine what it must have been like for her to hear him talk about how he wanted to give up on them. Suddenly, he wanted to punch himself for it.

“After that, I couldn’t contact her. We were just friends, but you hurt her so much that she didn’t want anything to do with you. So she cut me off, too.” Hyuck explained.

“I still don’t understand why it’s a big deal for you,” Mark said quietly.

“Because!” he exclaimed before muttering under his breath, “Damn. You really are so stupid sometimes.” He sighed. “Isn’t it obvious? I like her.”

Silence.

“Since when?” Mark asked, his voice soft.

“Even before you started dating. I liked her ever since she started coming to our schedules and we got to talk more. I liked her even when she told me she’s starting to have feelings for you. I liked her even when you two started going out. I told myself to stop, and believe me I tried so hard to. But I can’t. So I learned to settle for the friendly texts we send each other, just goofing around. And when you two broke up, even that was taken from me.”

Mark stared at him. “I had no idea,” he said. “I… I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t tell anyone except for Jeno,” Hyuck said. “And he only knows because he caught me smiling so much when she texted that one time.”

“Wow.” Mark didn’t even know what to say. After all this time, he didn’t even notice. He felt bad for being selfish. Maybe Hyuck was really good at hiding his feelings that the thought of him liking Y/N never occurred to Mark. But still, there are questions he needed answered. 

“So when I saw you two the other night outside her work, does this mean…” Mark cleared his throat. Even the thought of it makes him want to cry. “Are you guys seeing each other now? Is that what you’re going to tell me?”

Hyuck frowned. “You saw us?”

“I–I didn’t mean to. I was walking around and somehow ended up there. Force of habit, I guess.”

Hyuck shook his head. “We only agreed to meet because we promised each other we’d catch up,” he said. “Hyung, I know I said I like her, but I never wanted her for myself. I know what I am to her and I’m fine with it. I’m working my way to get out of my feelings, because believe me, it does hurt–” he chocked out a laugh. “But I saw how happy you two were. I saw how happy you made her. No one could compare to that. That wasn’t something in your head. It was real, and everyone around you can see it, too.”

Mark looked away. A lot of people had told him that for the past two months. He was getting sick of hearing them rub in his face what he lost. But maybe he deserved it. I was too naive, Mark thought. And not just about Y/N but about Hyuck too.

He can’t imagine being in Hyuck’s shoes. Come to think of it, he was always there for her whenever Mark and Y/N would fight. He’d always be the one to talk some sense into Mark. That’s what he’s doing here again, Mark realized.

“She still loves you.” Hyuck bit his lip. “She loves you so much. I know, because she broke down crying when I said I think you still love her, too.”

A tear escaped from Mark’s eye. He wiped it off immediately, but it was only the beginning of many. He didn’t want to cry in front of Hyuck. He wouldn't hear the end of it. But it seems he couldn’t help himself either.

“Hyung, you found something special. I’m sure you already know how big a mistake you made by letting her go. So I’m begging you please, don’t be your usual stupid self when you get the chance again. And you will get the chance again. Because you do, right?” Hyuck asked. “You still love her?”

Mark couldn’t speak. He was too busy trying not to make himself cry. He feels like his head is going to explode.

“You don’t have to answer,” Hyuck said. “You wouldn’t be trying so hard not to cry right now if you don’t.”

Mark let out a weak laugh before burying his head in his hands. Then he broke down, crumbling like a delicate porcelain. “I messed up, Donghyuck,” he sobbed. “I really messed up.”

“You did,” Hyuck agreed. “But the Mark hyung I know isn’t going to be stopped by that. Now, stop crying in public. Someone might recognize us.”

He wiped the tears from his eyes as much as he can and tried to compose himself. He didn’t think anyone was paying attention to them, but still, Hyuck was right.

“Promise me, you’re going to make this right.” Hyuck said.

Mark nodded. “I promise.”

Hyuck looked at his phone. “Alright. I have to go now. You wait here for ten minutes before going out after me okay? I don’t want to be seen with you.”

“Are you serious?!”

“Yes,” Hyuck answered. “Use this time to absorb everything.”

“Whatever. Just go.” Mark sighed.

Hyuck rolled his eyes.

“And thank you,” Mark said.

He smiled. “Don’t thank me yet.”

Mark wasn’t sure what he meant, but before he could ask, he was already gone. Everytime Hyuck walks out, Mark is always left with more questions.

He stared at the almost empty cup of coffee that Hyuck left and let his thoughts run wild. He remembered all the times he would catch him staring at Y/N when she’s laughing. Mark always thought he was annoyed by it, but apparently, it was otherwise. God, Hyuck liked her even before he did and he never got the chance.

And now, he wants Mark to make things right with Y/N. But how could he? He was too ashamed to call her or even text her. He couldn’t bear to see her after what he did. He doesn’t know how she’s been like lately, but from what Hyuck said, it didn’t sound good. What he needs right now is more time to think.

Mark checked the time on his phone. It hasn’t been ten minutes but he was pretty sure Hyuck was too far from the cafe already. He decided to leave.

Just as he was about to stand from his table, the bell from the cafe door rang. He looked up. Suddenly, the whole world was quiet, like everything stopped moving for a second, and all that mattered was the person that just walked through the door.

It was her. She was looking around, as if trying to find someone. Her lips were in a small pout like they always are when she’s concentrating.

Mark couldn’t move, but somehow, he felt as if he was sinking to his chair.

Her eyes wandered around the cafe until it landed on his. She gasped, then blinked three times. For a moment, she looked lost, but then she shook her head and started walking towards Mark who was still frozen.

“Hi,” she said, looking at him but averting his gaze almost immediately.

He wanted to look away, but he couldn’t. He was pissing himself, trying to find the words to say, but his mind was malfunctioning at the moment. He didn’t know what to do. This is the most nervous he’d been in his whole life and that says a lot.

Mark stood up, took a deep breath, and mustered all the energy he could. “Y/N,” he said. “H-hi.”

Sad Bitch- Łaszewo (Trentney)

A/N: Sorry I’ve been absent, but my brain has been a bitch lately... I never imagined I would be writing a fic like this, but I had to get it out. The reason why I do have such a soft spot for Trentney is because I have a Trent in my life to keep me grounded and I’m so grateful for him

To be a good artist means one must be burdened with great suffering especially at the hands of oneself. This may not apply to all the arts and typically not with singers, but Courtney understood this more than anyone in the industry. It was never her intention to be this way, dissociating while her manager tried to plan her next move, but the weight of her own thoughts were just too much to carry. Back when Total Drama was still a thing, she hid her depression well, she often exploded into anger to keep people out. No one would dare befriend a fiery volcano just waiting to erupt, no one besides him at least. With a touch of his hand, she was brought back to reality to listen to the meeting with their label. His smile and bright green eyes soothed her dark thoughts away briefly, enough to put on her persona as a successful pop princess. His hand stayed put, right next to hers barely touching. It brings a warm feeling into her heart and soon she’s lost in a daydream with him as the focus. Still the sadness starts to ease into her thoughts making doubts plague her mind. Was she foolish with possibly falling for her best friend? Was it smart to trust Trent with her heart so soon after her final breakup with Duncan? Would it even be the final breakup? Duncan, the name still leaves a bitter taste in her mouth. She still remembers everything about their failed relationship, every callous word thrown at each other without regard for the other’s feelings. A primes example of two toxic people made for each other. Their love always sizzled out leading to another prison both were too familiar to let go of. What happened to the young her who welcomed every change with a light in her eyes? Courtney doesn’t know when her old self died only to be reborn into a shell of who she was before, but when she finally realized what happened, it was too late.

“Court, you’re home.”

She blinks once then twice wondering when she got into his car. Her scenery magically changed from a corporate office to her newly purchased home.

“Here, I’ll walk you inside. I think I forgot my guitar pick anyways.”

“The silver one?”

“Yeah, did you find it?”

“No, I’ve been busy, sorry. It should be in the studio though.”

He simply smiles as he walks around to open her door; he doesn’t call her out on her obvious lie. She wasn’t busy, he’s been there with her as her demons pull her away from the real world, she just stares into nothingness. He tries to pull her out of it when possible, usually a nudge will do it, but sometimes the demons are too powerful to keep at bay for long. Lately it’s been worse. They’ve had to reschedule the label meeting several times already. He knows she’s heading down a dark path, it’s why he’s been making excuses to stay over despite him living an hour plus away due to LA traffic.

“Found it, you were right, it was on top of the piano.”

“Oh? Glad it’s not missing anymore, thanks for bringing me back by the way.”

“‘Course, can’t leave my fav girl stranded.”

“I would’ve been fine, really. You can go home. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Is that a promise?”

“I never break my promises.”

He only hesitated slightly then nodded bidding her goodnight. It was already late, the moon high above the sky with stars twinkling around the crescent shaped light. He was almost out the door when he turned back to tell her to look outside.

“The moon is beautiful tonight.”

“You tell me this every night.”

“And I mean it everytime.”

“We couldn’t even see it a few nights ago.”

“Doesn’t mean it’s not still beautiful.”

“Trent, I think you’ve been awake for too long. Get some sleep tonight.”

“You too. I’ll call when I get home, so you don’t worry.”

“You can just text me, I’ll still be up.”

“It’s better to hear your voice.”

“You hear it all the time, you should be sick of it.”

“You’re kidding right? I get the honor of listening to the greatest singer of our generation, how could I ever pass that opportunity up?”

“Are you talking about yourself again?”

This gets both of them to smile, he knows he’s succeeded in pushing away her sorrow for a moment. It won’t last long though, they both knew this. She can only hope she doesn’t call him crying again tonight. He’s been losing sleep because of her, still he never complains.

After he leaves, she tries her best to get ready for bed. She gets distracted a few times, just managing to slip under her covers by the time Trent calls her letting her know he made it home safely. She keeps the conversation short telling him she’s tired, he wishes her sweet dreams as she tells him good night. She lays in bed tossing and turning until she’s on her side facing her window with the just a glow of the moonlight seeping into her dark room. She closes her eyes willing sleep to take over, but her brain runs wild bringing her further into its abyss.

You’re going to be sad and alone forever.

Trent doesn’t love you, no one does, you couldn’t even keep Duncan.

Your parents are ashamed of you, you’re the reason they divorced.

Cate’s won’t talk to you because you’re too much to handle, your own sister hates you.

You’re only famous because no one’s caught on that you’re talentless yet, the whole world will shun you soon.

The only reason you have hits is because Trent’s the one writing the songs, when he leaves you’ll be nothing.

What’s it like being a hurtful bitch getting karma like you deserve?

Honestly Courtney, you’re pathetic, why do you even try? No one likes a sad bitch.

Everyone’s tired of how whiny you are, just stop with your lame excuses, who cares if you didn’t get sleep?

The self hatred goes on and on until she’s drowning in negative energy. She’s suffocating and breathing isn’t helping, she can’t take in air fast enough, the room feels too confined. She needs to get up and get out, but she can’t, she’s trapped. Tears stream out of her eyes as her body continues to be paralyzed, her heart is erratic and she can barely breathe. It’s too much, the walls are caving in and she can’t do anything to stop it. She closes her eyes again trying to fight back with happy thoughts, but she fails again and again as her mind continues to tell her how useless she is. She’s losing the battle, she just wants it to be quiet, but her thoughts ring loud and clear with every word cutting into her soul. Pain, so much pain leaving invisible scars all over her. If she waits long enough she’ll blackout from the pressure, she just has to focus on her breathing. In then out, in then out, she can do this, she promised she could…

Her eyes snap open and she’s able to move once more. Her first thought is to call him, she should’ve just asked him to stay. She’s always felt better in his arms, his regular heartbeat bringing her back to earth. Why didn’t he fight harder to stay this time? Was he really sick of her too? He’s just like the others, he can’t handle her. The kindest person she’s ever met and even he’s exhausted being near her. The misery takes over and all she wants is to drown herself in alcohol and cigarettes. All bad habits she learned from her ex, though to be fair, she didn’t take much persuading. She’s always known she has an addicting personality, it’s why she tried to stay sober, but she needed an escape. A bottle or two of wine wouldn’t be too bad. It was with this thought in mind that she decided to go into the living room for her secret stash of sherry’s. She rounds the corner heading to her hidden cabinet when she spots it: a silver guitar pick on the coffee table. She stops dead in her tracks.

“Trent.”

She sits on the ground as she cradles the pick rubbing over the letter “T” confirming it was his. She feels restless as she continues to stare at the precious item left behind for her sake. He knew. He must have. Why else would he leave the pick again? She closes her palm and holds it close to her chest, she has an overwhelming urge to do something. She wants to go to him, so she does, she doesn’t bother with a jacket, she simply follows her heart running out in the dead of night. She’s out the door in a flash clearly not thinking as she leaves her car behind and doesn’t lock her door. All she knows to do is keep moving forward as she jogs into a sprint. The cold air hits her bare arms and legs, but she isn’t bothered.

She makes it a block before her brain catches up telling her this is a bad idea; she starts to spiral down in her thoughts again. Do you even know where you’re going Courtney? You’re such an idiot, you just moved. How do you know the way to his house already? He obviously doesn’t want you to disturb him, he’s never invited you over since you moved. Stop with your delusions, Trent doesn’t like you, he only puts up with you because you work together. What are you going to do now? You’re lost. You’re going to lose him just like how you lost everyone else in your life. Face it Courtney, you’re just a loser. All you do is waste time.

She collapses on the hard concrete scraping her knee in the process. She nearly drops the pick in her hands as she hides her face with tears streaming down her cheeks. She doesn’t know what to do and now she’s blinded by a bright light. She drops her hands, it wasn’t the moonlight nor the streetlight, so it must be a headlight. It’s the middle of the night, no one should be out driving in this neighborhood. She should get up and go back home, but she’s lost the strength. She’s not even slightly afraid as the car approaches closer. It slows to a stop right next to her as she continues to stare forward. She doesn’t hear him when he calls out to her. She’s tired and cold, all she wants to do is close her eyes. She opens her eyes when she feels a warm jacket draped over her engulfing her in a familiar scent.

“Sorry I’m late, didn’t realize you wanted to go jogging.”

“Trent?”

“Hey Court.”

He says her name with a smile, he doesn’t question her on why she was out in her pajamas at nearly three in the morning sitting on the ground. He helps her up and into the passenger seat as he drives them back to her place. He doesn’t yell at her, his voice is calm and gentle when he tells her she’s home. She removes her seatbelt and that’s when she notices the duffel bag in the back seat. He catches her gaze explaining immediately even though he would never ask her to tell him what went wrong.

“It’s just some spare clothes. I was going to leave it in the car. I figure I might be here a while since we’re going to start on the new album tomorrow… or today rather.”

“You can bring it inside. I don’t mind.”

“You sure?”

She nods. He smiles at her again as he grabs the duffle in one hand with the other holding hers as they walk back inside her place. He doesn’t scold her on leaving her door ajar and unlocked. Once inside is when he notices the scrape on her knee. He immediately heads to the bathroom to grab the medical kit to help clean her wound. When she’s all patched up, he places a kiss on her bandaid as if it was the most natural thing to do. He notices her surprise.

“Sorry, Mom always did that for me whenever I got hurt. It took the pain away.”

She doesn’t say anything, she just opens her left hand where the pick had been the entire time. He takes it from her understanding that she was okay for now. When he looks at her again she’s overcome with another intense feeling, one that she never thought she would feel again so quickly. Panic starts to rise within as her brain feeds her false information. He pulls her out of the darkness as he wraps his arms around her keeping her safe and secure. The intruding fear leaves as she calms down. She pushes him away when his embrace becomes too much, he scoots over to give her more space.

“Are you ready to go to sleep Court?”

“Almost. I know it’s late, but I want to write for a bit. You can go to sleep first.”

“Inspiration strikes at any time. I’ll stay up with you.”

She pulls out her notebook armed with purple ink as it spills out on the page. He doesn’t interrupt, as she continues to put words on paper. It’s not often that she gets to write herself. She writes down all her haunting thoughts and with each line she feels a bit more healed. It’s therapeutic in a way, she wonders why she never did this in the first place, it would’ve saved her a lot more heartache. She passes him the notebook when she’s finished, he scans through the words until he reaches the end. He looks back up at her with a smile and a promise.

We've all been hurt before

If all's fair in love and war

What are we fighting for?

Baby, had the good intentions

Couldn't face another change of direction

Tell me what's the method to your madness

I'm just a fucking sad bitch, show me you can handle it

Save me from my own reflection

I can't take this tight rope tension

Tell me what's the method to your madness

I'm just a fucking sad bitch, show me you can handle it

A/N: This is only a glimpse of how I feel, I didn’t want to make the fic more dark, but it did to write it out. If anyone else is in the same boat know you’re not alone and that you can beat this. I’m still here and you here too.

October 10, 2018 Mix

Welcome to this week's installation of music! I loved finding tracks that blended well in terms of sound and meaning, as well as playing around with the pace of the pieces so not to cause monotony inside the eardrums. Enjoy and any suggestions/opinions, send my way

Spotify Playlist (Listen in order!) 1. Walls by The Lumineers - First off, can I just say how excited I am to see new music from a group who never seems to disappoint both my ears and my heart. While listening for the first time I thought, "Wow what a great song, but this sounds kind of familiar" so when I showed it to my mom she said "Of course it sounds familiar, it's a cover of one of Tom Petty's songs" and then it made my heart that much fuller knowing that. Petty is known to have the American writing way of describing through metaphor exactly how love and relationships feel at a moment suspended in time. Using that craftsmanship and words that cut to the bone, The Lumineers created a cover that is so folky and vulnerable sounding, I am sure that Petty would not be disappointed in it. 2.  I've Just Seen A Face by The Beatles - Continuing with classics that we may find hidden in corners of our mind, that pop out into existence from time to time, is this wonderful treasure from the Help! album, a beloved album to me and most of the world, I'm sure. I specifically chose this track because the title definitely created a supernatural element in my mind that translated to the feeling that love often gives, which is that it transcends regular human volition. It causes this reaction that cannot be expressed through regular conversation and absolutely needed to be sung about, which to me, is fantastic. Also, the really fast and frantic pace of the song adds to the urgency of the message of seeing someone in passing and instantly feeling a surge of love and the need to be with them at the moment. Falling in love is sometimes done in a slow motion type fall, but in this instance, it seems more immediate. 3. Moon Barks At The Dog by Saintseneca - The lyrical value that this song has is endless, and quite honestly, I could spend a long time doing an in depth analysis of this piece line by line, but for now I won't. The main thing I wanted to go in depth with a little bit is this image of the moon barking at the dog, which is just such a strange and abstract concept to grasp. Of course, the typical thing that someone would refer to is the dog barking at the moon, which is apparently a reference to the famous statement (I had no idea this existed): "It is common for the dog to bark at the moon, but if the moon barks back, the dog becomes famous." As a person who loves strange expressions, this has quickly become one of my favorites. There is also an entire verse that nods to Bruce Springsteen and his music not being the singer's cup of tea, which I disagree, but appreciate the reference anyway. 4. Los Ageless (cover) by The Wombats - I would say I'm sorry about including another version of the same song within two months, but I am not sorry at all because it is my firm belief that different versions of the same song can change it entirely and bring fresh perspective and possibly a new interpretation of meaning. Originally a St. Vincent song from her amazing album Masseducation, it was a more techno rock sound for sure, but this alternative group brought it down with a more acoustic sound fleshed out through it. I don't think the sound was altered so much that it changed the composition entirely, but the male voice for sure gave it a perspective which I was not expecting. To have a male singer express the notion "How could anybody have you and lose you and not lose their minds too?" makes me feel a glimmer of hope to diminish toxic masculinity. 5. More Than Romantic Love by St. Lenox - I don't know exactly what to classify this as and to be fair, I'm not sure that putting this artist in a box would be serving him justice in any way. I felt that I was having a conversation with a fellow new yorker while really really cool, eclectic music was playing in the background. And I loved it. Just all of the references to living in a place in time where you are losing someone because you cannot accept the fact that they only want a platonic love, not romantic. This goes deeper though, and examines how to deal with someone who is going through personal struggle and how to reach them emotionally while being sensitive to their needs. St. Lenox has such a soulful conversational tone that speaks freely about mental health, breakup and the nervousness of the city, also shout out to Washington Square. He's an artist on the rise for sure. 6. This Is The Day by The The - This is a classic example of a song with an upbeat, generally happy sounding tune that literally step by step tells about the woes that a person with depression has to go through. It actually really reminded me of a Smiths song, where the mood totally does not match the words, and this is a trope I absolutely love to see in older music. The image of eyes being red and burning when seeing daylight is so profound because insomnia is one of the main traits of depression, so this feeling of always feeling tired in the daytime is so relatable to hear about in song, which I never have before. The synthesized sound and the acordion that are strung throughout the song really emphasize the dichotomy of the sound and feeling, which also add the layer of how you look on the outside doesn't always match how you are on the inside. 7. Greyhound by Calpurnia - Have you ever made future plans with someone you are in a relationship with, thinking that basically you'll be with them forever, and then suddenly, the time for that plan comes around, except you're not together anymore? Yeah? Me too, and apparently the writer of this song was in this exact position because that's essentially what it's about to put it in base question format. But what really satisfied me concerning this song was not the super relatable storyline aspect, but the sarcastic way of telling something pretty sad, which seemed like an epic breakup and heart break. The whole "hats of to you, for you to go" is so sassy and like a middle finger in the center of a song about still having feelings for an ex-love, which was so fun to see. I hope the subject of this song listened to this song. 8. 15 Minutes by The Strokes - Whenever asked my top favorite bands, they are always at the top of the list. I don't know exactly what resonates with me, but I have been trying to pin point the moodiness and exacerbated feelings for awhile that me and this band seems to always share. I think it's the way that Casablancas always mutters some really sad yet humorous things while hard core guitar comes in and really great drum beats and a bass line are right in line with it. This song is no exception because it totally defies the meaning of telling someone how you feel and being comfortable with oneself about it; if I may be so bold, I think it generally classifies how one with lots of anxiety would go about telling feelings from a real perspective, rather insecurely and with the approach of joking about emotions in a very honest way. 9. Think I'm Still In Love With You by Joyce Manor - A new album by an awesome punk, angsty, emo rock band, news I will never be upset to hear about. Specifically, this artist has so many different qualities going past the initial relatable angst you feel when listening to the many, many, many songs they have about not being able to get over something or feeling like a burden in someone else's life constantly. This song has a clear shift in feeling though because the uncertainty is definitely present in terms of wanting to still be in love with someone because of a past emotion, but now things seem a bit hazier and they aren't so sure if the feelings are still quite there. This song comes about midway through the album, a really great placement on their part because it signifies perhaps a shift in weather during a one sided relationship and perhaps things will change thereafter. 10. So Tied Up by Cold War Kids and Bishop Briggs - Oftentimes I speculate from an outsider's look at a song, and piece together the meaning in relation to both the music and my own life. In this instance, I didn't really have to do so because the artist actually shared exactly what his intentions were with the meaning behind this song. He said, "With every new relationship, you either talk about previous relationship stuff (warts and all), or you just pretend like they never existed. Both are kinda terrible. When you go the full disclosure route it’s probably sincere, maybe you’re even praised for your vulnerability. However, you know it’s probably gonna be used against you later, in a fight, in the worst way." So that's that, and in terms of the gospel vibes I received from this alt rock song, I am very happy and get really pumped walking down the street to it. 11. Days On A Wire by Case - This instantly gives me the image of watching a movie scene where one person is lovingly thinking about another and kind of like sitting on a train looking out the window and considering their feelings, all wrapped up in desire. So now that I have shared my mental scene, let me explain that the really awesome acoustic with horns sounds that are produced in this piece add to the love song vibes that is perceived while listening. Also, the singer's voice is super dreamy and light, at some points seeming like barely more than a whisper of phrases, adding to the whimsical elements involved in the song. Actually, the horns in this song kind of act as a guitar usually would in terms of a melodic riff that occurs between verses and choruses, and I love this difference of instruments, a unique sound. 12. In The Morning I'll Be Better by Tennis - Taking some else's pain away is the hardest thing to do, especially when it's something not curable by care and devotion on it's own, but that's precisely what the artist is intending to say in this piece, which is tragically beautiful. So originally, I perceived this to be about someone's mental anguish and a relationship of sorts attempting to remedy this suffering by acceptance and love. In fact, this is not what the artist meant, but it's still a cool interpretation if I do say so myself. It was revealed that the writer's friend was deemed terminally ill and this was their way of processing the emotions that go into realizing that someone is most likely not going to get better. It is a love song that goes beyond love, but more about the wanting to take someone's pain and endure it so they don't have to. 13. Clueless by The Marías - Yes, yes, yes. My exact thoughts when seeing that this group came out with new music, when listening to the first few bars of the song, and then again when hearing the song two full times through (once for sound and another for words and meaning). The palpable tension heard in the song is so real for so many people when having an argument and to match the tension is the dialoguing throughout that basically says they can't handle the ups and downs going through the relationship anymore. I read that this was inspired by a spat between the vocalist and her significant other, drummer-producer Josh Conway. This revelation was incredible because imagine being in a band and a relationship with someone and having to create music while a major fight is going on. Me neither. 14. Running by Nicotine's Famous Honey - If I could title this anything other than what it is, I would title it "The Art of Just Barely Getting By In Our Fucked Up World" but that would not be as aesthetic as this aptly titled name. In the past, I have publicly argued against certain styles of music, simply because I knew less about music and didn't listen to enough genres on a regular basis. I am still trying to broaden my horizons, especially in terms of R&B and the Hip Hop genre in general, but this under emphasized artist is such a beautiful example of taking one genre that is criticized for being cliched and overdone and taking it to a whole different level. I love this combination of dream-pop, low-fi indie and hip hop and R&B all in one piece, and if you haven't looked into them, definitely check out some of their other music, it is so enticing. 15. Weird Honey by Elvis Depressedly - I'm taking the meaning of this song entirely from the artist because I think it can be interpreted a hundred different ways, depending on who you are thinking about while listening to it and what kind of mental state you are in too. Also we love to see an iconic guitar riff thrown in sporadically to a pretty sad low fi rock song, so that's a pretty cool spot in hell. The meaning though: "I lied before. It’s just an homage to Jesus and Mary Chain, and has no direct meaning. This is a love song so it could be seen as a pet name, or even a symbol of a love that is strange and new but full of sweetness. I find it incredibly strange that so many people have interpreted this song to be so negative, or even a break up song, when it’s the opposite. It’s a song about new love." There you have it. 16. Wings In All Black by Gregory Alan Isakov - If you are looking for an acoustic folk artist who puts emphasis on literally every single word and note of a song, look no further, he is right here, and also in my soul forever. Hailing from his brand new album, is this gem which sinks your heart to your stomach almost immediately upon listening. I believe this to be about having to rise up out of a really dark time in your life, despite not wanting to, the fact that instead of feeding the beast of loss, you have to grow wings of your own and fight against the demons you are experiencing. The image of having "wings in black" is a nod to the struggle between staying down in a bad place and having to come out of it no matter how impossible it seems at the time. I am now noticing a lot of these songs have to do with dealing with loss and mental health day by day, which is very important. 17. Should I by Arum Rae - I have to give entire props and credits for this song to my wonderful mother, who is always good for sending me songs to listen to on a weekly basis. Particularly, I first heard this song on my ferry ride home to New Jersey for the first time since leaving for college this year, so it has earned a really special place in my heart for the year. The piano is so present in this song, which as I have mentioned in previous posts, you don't get to see a lot in newer slow songs, which have become taken over by guitar a lot of the times. Also, Rae's voice questioning her every move and overthinking all her choices for the future is so heart felt and honest that you can't help but empathize with these feelings. The message of the song is maybe taking things one step at a time is the healthiest thing you can do when things get overwhelming in life. Yes. 18. How by Daughter - Ok, so finding out that most of the songs I have chosen for this week's mix surround the topics of loss and grieving past versions of self has become super illuminating in terms of my own maturation process. Staying topic though, this group always sheds light on the painful emotions rather than the pleasurable ones, which sometimes creates a dreary mood, but I like to view it as not being afraid to voice some negativity in order to clear it out of one's mind, which many people are apprehensive to do. This song describes pain as being in slow motion and I can't explain why that is true, but it is. The lines "hold me back, hold me back" in reference to wanting to go get someone that they have lost is so crucial to the theme of the song which is moving on from something while still having regrets in regards to the situation, feeling cheated or let down by someone. 19. Killer by Phoebe Bridgers - This playlist began with this song all by it's lonesome, but all along I knew that the rest of the pieces would be built around this, so I guess this has to be the reason why all the songs are so deeply related with one another. You may be thinking, wow I can't believe this song is about one's own death, this is really morose and ominous. Yes, I totally agree and think that it's really sad and death related, but knowing that it goes deeper than that is really vital to appreciating it's beauty. This is about a relationship being buried away and while doing so, dredging up all the past memories of loving a person. There is no remedy for knowing that two people are too much for one another, but this soulful lament is definitely a start. Also, Bridgers has noted that this song is in reference to Ryan Adams, famed songwriter who had a short fling with her when she was pretty young. 20. WALLS by Kings Of Leon - I did this on purpose, I made the first and last song both titled "walls" for a particular reason. I think they both serve very different purposes and perspectives to the metaphorical walls that are being broken down and simultaneously built up within a relationship. In the covered song that the Lumineers did, we see a shift to a more positive message of hearts having walls and climbing them is a struggle, but that it is worth it for the love we get to experience on the other side of it. In contrast, this very low tempo song (especially for Kings of Leon) is about kind of the exact opposite. This is about a man's ego being utterly shattered, exemplifying walls being torn down, in order to love a woman who just took his heart with her when she left. I don't think it's all sad though; I think this experience of walls coming down around someone to experience true loss of a person is so important for personal growth and strength. Thanks for listening and reading into things really deeply with me, catch you next week! Love & Listening,

Julia 

5 Empowering Songs to Listen to After a Breakup

No matter which end of a breakup you have found yourself on, ending a serious relationship can hurt. Lost love can leave you feeling heartbroken, lost, confused, and even depressed. Thankfully, music has an amazing way of soothing your heart and refreshing your spirit during these troubled times.

Music doesn’t even have to have lyrics in order to move your heart. The emotion behind a set of violin strings or the sweet melodic tones of someone who has also had a broken heart can make you feel less alone.

Whether you’re singing along with heartbreaking lyrics or hearing an empowering song about self-worth and moving on, music can help you get through your break up.

Here are 5 songs to listen to after a breakup. They have secret messages of relationship advice that you need to hear.

Avril Lavigne – Tell Me It’s Over

This hit from Avril Lavigne’s 2019 album “Head Above Water” is relatable for so many reasons. It speaks about a girl who is in a painful on-off relationship with her partner.

When the couple breaks up, it never really feels like it’s over. There is manipulation and emotional confusion afoot.

“I ain’t playing no games / ‘Cause I’ve got nothing left to lose I’m so tired of circular motions / They leave me dizzy and confused My heart, oh no / is not your revolving door I get stuck spinning and spinning and spinning / Oh, ’til I collapse on the floor But every time that you touch me / I forget what we’re fighting about Oh, you come and you leave / Shame on me for believing every word out of your mouth Tell me it’s over / If it’s really over ‘Cause it don’t feel like it’s over / whenever you’re closing the door / no So tell me it’s over”

This song reminds the listener not to put up with emotional gaslighting or toxic relationships. Release yourself from the turmoil that comes with an on-again-off-again relationship and date someone who wants to be with you 100 percent of the time.

Etta James – I’d Rather Go Blind

This 1968 release by jazz superstar Etta James is one of the most heartbreaking, soulful breakup songs you will ever hear. It’s about a woman who knows her partner is cheating and is shattered, but unable to let go of that relationship.

“Something told me it was over / When I saw you and her talking Something deep down in my soul said, cry girl When I saw you and that girl, walking around I would rather, I would rather go blind boy / Than to see you, walk away from me child So you see, I love you so much / That I don’t want to watch you leave me baby Most of all, I just don’t, I just don’t want to be free no”

The secret relationship advice hidden in this song? Trust your instinct. If something feels off in your relationships, it probably is.

The Decemberists – Everything is Awful

Sometimes, there is no point in looking toward a positive future or reminiscing about all the good times you shared with your ex. Sometimes, you just want to wallow.

The folk rock band The Decemberists released this gem in 2018 off of their “I’ll Be Your Girl” album. We think it is the perfect song that says it like it is. Sometimes, after a breakup, everything is awful.

“What’s that crashing sound / follows us around? That’s the sound of all things good breaking Put your fears to rest / You know it’s for the best As a choir of angels sings Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, thing Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything is awful”

Adele – Someone Like You

Bitter and soulful, sad and vengeful, this Adele classic has been a favorite of those nursing broken hearts since 2011. This song speaks of a person who simply can’t get over her former lover moving on. She wants nothing more than to be with someone just like her ex so she can feel a love like that again.

“I heard, that you’re settled down / That you found a girl and you’re / married now I heard, that your dreams came true / I guess she gave you things / I didn’t give to you Old friend, why are you so shy / Ain’t like you to hold back / Or hide from the light I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but I / Couldn’t stay away I couldn’t fight it I had hoped you’d see my face / And that you be reminded that for me it isn’t over”

This song can help soothe your broken heart, but don’t get too lost within its words. Remember that your relationship ended for a reason. The last thing you should want is to date a carbon copy of your ex. Instead, move on to someone bigger and better.

Lorde – Writer in the Dark

New Zealander Lorde’s 2017 release of Writer in the Dark is a dark and haunting song about the torture of being left and feeling like you aren’t good enough.

“I am my mother’s child, I’ll love you till my breathing stops / I’ll love you till you call the cops on me But in our darkest hours, I stumbled on a secret power / I’ll find a way to be without you, babe I still feel you, now and then / Slow like Pseudoephedrine When you see me, will you say I’ve changed? I ride the subway, read the signs / I let the seasons change my mind I love it here / since I’ve stopped needing you”

This song offers a beautiful piece of relationship advice behind it. Love hurts, but it makes you stronger. The moment you realize that you are stronger than the pain your ex put you through, and that you no longer need your ex to be happy is certainly one to celebrate about.

Take these 5 songs to listen to after a breakup and let their lyrics and sound heal your broken heart.

And always remember this relationship advice: You deserve someone who will love, respect, and appreciate your presence in their life — not break your heart.

Take your time to grieve your relationship and then move on to bigger and better things.

See Also: The One Post Breakup Thing Women Need to Do

The post 5 Empowering Songs to Listen to After a Breakup appeared first on Dumb Little Man.

This article was first shared from Dumb Little Man

unnecessary lingering

“ Hello! Is it cool to request an imagine with Wonho? I don't want to restrict you to a specific plot so I'll let your writing juices flow ~ thank you!” ; 2.7k+ words.

a/n: i hope you enjoy it!! it’s angsty!!

He always lingered on things too much. It was a habit of his you frequently pushed for him to break, as the extremes he’d take it to would do nothing but hurt him. It brought unnecessarily elongated pain which could’ve easily been avoided. This happened multiple times in your previous relationship with him; he’d base many of his speculations on mere assumptions, leading to him lingering on that entire scenario, which then lead to a fight that shouldn’t have taken place. It was tiring. His lingering led to nothing positive, and for the sake of your relationship, you tried to discuss this with him. Multiple times, that is. Every time you had confronted him about it, the same expression would be evident across his features and the same words would be uttered: “I’m not “lingering”, I don’t get what you mean”. The statement being repeated every single time just got annoying, and you were certain he knew exactly what you were talking about.

The problem troubled more than he could probably realize, and you expressed your annoyance to Kihyun, someone you knew would push all bias aside to tell you his complete honest thoughts on the subject. And he did. He told you of times that Wonho would complain about you bringing up the subject, and that he repeatedly stood his ground about you were wrong and he was right. Everything seemed to be of your fault, and not his. And there were situations, you’d admit, that you were in the wrong; but you had admitted that to him and apologized to him. Wonho tended to put up defensive barriers, asking why you kept “attacking” him about the subject at hand and that you “should just drop it”. This would soon become a cycle in Wonho’s and yours relationship; and you knew you had to break it.

So you asked Kihyun, as you valued his opinion, about his thoughts on the relationship. He told you simply that, “it didn’t seem to be what it used to”. That was completely true. You had never fought with Wonho in previous times, never had to deal with his constant questioning or terrible excuses. And Kihyun--as well as the others guys--witnessed the sudden change in your relationship with Wonho. Kihyun had walked into a fight between you and Wonho at the dorm multiple times, always trying his best to break up the fight before it got too heated. He had comforted you when Wonho couldn’t (as he was busy in the studio, or working out, or doing something “productive”). Your relationship with Kihyun seemed to be blossoming while yours and Wonho’s was wilting. And that was something Wonho didn’t even try to deny.

The breakup itself wasn’t terrible. It ended on mutual terms, and you two agreed to stay friends, not wanting to leave things awkward (as you were still friends with his members, and didn’t feel like your breakup with him should harm your friendships). Of course you were sad to lose him; many nights were spent with tears dampening your pillow, questioning if breaking up was really the best option. Deep down, you knew it was. The realization slowly made way to you, and you then new for certain that you made the right decision. You had no intentions of going back to him; the toxic relationship between you two was to be left in the past.

About six months had passed since your breakup with Wonho, and you could easily say that you were feeling better than before. You didn’t have to worry about what accusation would be brought up next, or when the next fight would be. None of that passed your mind. 

It was late, but cravings were hitting you hard and the nearest convenience store held that precise chocolate bar you wanted. Deciding that it would be a “treat you deserved”, you put on your black hoodie quickly, a random pair of shoes placed by your apartments entrance, and your wallet and headed out. It was somewhat chilly, and you stuffed your hands further in your hoodie’s pockets, speeding up your pace to the convenience store. 

It was only a ten minute walk from your complex, and you sighed in relief as you entered the store, politely greeting the cashier at the front of the store. It seemed to just be you, the cashier, and another customer in the back of the store, and you paid them no mind. All you wanted was to get your chocolate bar and head home. 

You walked to the middle of the store where multiple rows of candy were found. You scanned over the many rows until you found the candy bar, leaning down to grab it when you heard your name being called. You jolted in surprise, and with the candy bar in hand, slowly turned to see Kihyun, a bottle of coke and a bag of chips in his arms.

Though his hair was hidden by his beanie, some strands of his dark hair could be seen, and he wore a pair of glasses you hadn’t seen before. He smiled at you, and then noticed your expression. 

“Ah, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said, and you shook your head. You were still in shock seeing him, as the last time you saw him was when you brought Wonho his things back... and that was months ago. You had been busy with work and they all were working hard with their new album and comebacks and scheduling... you barely texted the guys, and when you did, it was usually small talk. You never found reason to bother them about communication, knowing they were under enough stress as it is.

“Oh, no, I just wasn’t expecting to see you,” you told him. “It’s just been a long time since we’ve actually seen each other, you know?”

He nodded. “It has. And we’ve wanted to meet up but with the new comeback and the tour that’s about to go on... we barely have any time to ourselves. It’s insane.”

You agreed. They had a lot going on, and you tended to check on them through their groups official account, and watched their stages when you could. They were growing in popularity, and it was amazing to see them grow and prosper. You were so proud of them.

“It is. It’s so crazy--but all your songs, and choreo is so amazing. I’m so proud of you guys,” you said with complete honesty, making Kihyun smile again. “Seriously though, you guys are getting places and you deserve all of it.”

“You’re so sweet, (y/n).”

You two talked a few more minutes, Kihyun asking how everything was doing and apologizing for lack of communication again. You brushed it off and told him that work was going well and you were doing fine, to which he sort of frowned. It was odd--especially considering that you had nothing but positive things to tell--and you questioned if he was alright. You could tell that he was battling between telling you or keeping it to himself, to which he sighed heavily, shifting the items in his arms.

“Have you talked to Wonho, recently, by any chance?”

You shook your head. The last time you spoke was when you dropped his things off at their place, and after that, you didn’t hear a thing from him. “No, I haven’t spoken to him since I dropped his things off,” you explained, furrowing your brow. “Why?”

“He keeps mentioning you, and I thought it was really out of the blue, but I just figured he was speaking with you again on friendly terms,” he explained, making his way up to the cashier with you. You followed up behind, confused about why he’d suddenly bring you up. He never messaged you saying he wanted to talk again, or anything of the sort.

He was lingering on something, yet again; something you had warned him of countless times beforehand.

“We haven’t spoken to each other in months,” you told him, watching as he passed his card to the cashier. “He’s never messaged me or anything.”

Kihyun took his card and the plastic bag from the cashier and muttered a thank you, stepping to the side so you could pay for your candy bar. You took your wallet out from the pocket of your hoodie and opened it, pulling out the necessary amount for your candy bar. After paying, you and Kihyun stepped out of the store, the two of you silent as you continued to think about why he would suddenly start bringing you up again.

“We’re off tomorrow,” he said suddenly, turning his head to look at you. “You could come to the dorm and have lunch. Unless you’re busy, then I completely understand. We all miss having you over.”

Your shift started late the next day, and you could easily stop by and hang out with for some much needed catching up time. “I can make it,” you responded, stuffing your hands in your hoodie’s pockets. “Just text me when to come over.”

He smiled again. “I will. I better head home before they freak out about me taking too long. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

You both said your goodbye’s and headed off in opposite directions, and stopped mid-step by Kihyun calling your name. You looked over your shoulder at him. 

“Text me when you get home, alright?”

Typical Kihyun; you told him you would and made him promise to do the same, to which he laughed and told you he would. And with that you headed home, eating your candy bar on the way there.

You made it home safe, and pulled your phone out and texted Kihyun that you made it home. A few minutes later he told you he did as well, along with the details for you to head over.

You went to sleep happy; you were going to see your friends that you had been missing for months, and you were finally able to hang out like you had before. You just hoped Wonho’s lingering wouldn’t ruin things as it had before.

Kihyun told you to come by at around eleven, telling you he’d be making his infamous kimchi stew, and that the others had no idea you were stopping by. And when you knocked on their door, the look of surprise on Minhyuk’s face was priceless; he practically threw himself on you, pressing you to his chest as he hugged you tightly, rambling about how much he missed you. He then guided you inside, arm over your shoulder, and basically presented you to the others, who were just as surprised as he had been.

Wonho, however, was blank. He didn’t smile, nor did he show shock as the others did; the blank expression was almost unsettling to you, but you were easily distracted by the warm hugs and greetings from the others to think too much about it. If he wanted to act that way towards you, so be it; you told yourself on the way to the dorm that you weren’t going to let the past breakup interfere with having a good time with your friends.

Kihyun made his way out of the kitchen and told the story of how he had ran into you at the convenience store the night before, and that this was all possible because of him. Though a little stretched, you allowed Kihyun his time of glory, especially as the others seemed absolutely shocked by this. You found yourself looking back at Wonho again, who was still silent, and looked back at Kihyun, who seemed to be thinking the same thing was you were: what was wrong with him?

You talked with them for a little while, catching up. Soon enough, the others found their attention on Kihyun who asked for their help in the kitchen, and while they trudged into the kitchen, motioned over to Wonho and then to you; he was giving you the time to try and settle things with Wonho (and not have to worry about the stares and inputs of the others; they had a tendency to put their opinions in when it wasn’t needed). 

You sat a few feet from him, silently looking over him. Fully knowing that he wouldn’t begin a conversation with him, you cleared your throat and faced him. “Wonho?” you called, and he stopped picking the thread from the slit in his jean. He didn’t turn to face you, however. You got his attention, and that was enough for you to begin talking to him.

“You didn’t seem too excited to see me,” you told him, crossing your arms.

He glanced over at you before looking back down at his lap. “It’s not that I’m not excited to see you... it was just... unexpected.”

"That’s fair, I guess.”

It became quiet again, aside from the loud yells from he kitchen and the drone of the television. Wonho went back to messing with the slits in his jeans, and you found yourself getting frustrated; he had done this many times before when he acted as if he had nothing to say, and making the situation awkward.

“Wonho,” you sighed, “I’m not doing this with you again.”

“Doing what with me again?”

“Please, don’t act like you’re unaware of what you’re doing,” you said lowly, trying your best o keep your voice lowered. “You’re lingering on things again.”

He furrowed his brow and sat up, facing you. “(y/n), I’m not--”

You shook your head. “You don’t have to lie to me, Wonho, and I know you well enough to say that I can easily tell if you are. Kihyun told me that you keep bringing me up, and I don’t understand why.”

His eyes widened. He then looked back down at his lap, head hanging. “I miss you, (y/n).”

“You could’ve easily messaged me, Wonho,” you said almost immediately. “Just because we aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean we can’t talk.”

“I miss you more than that.”

You fell silent. 

“(y/n), please,” he whispered, nervously fiddling with the ring on his finger. “I know I should be over you, but it’s just been really tough. And I know it’s been months, but I thought that messaging you would make it worse. And I guess I talk about you more than I should, but I can’t stop myself. I want you to know that I should be okay with you moving on, but it’s so hard for me to realize.”

You frowned. “I--”

He bit his lower lip, keeping his gaze to the floor. “--and before you say it, I know I’m lingering. I realize that now. You kept telling me it hurts me, and now I really see what you mean. But, please, (y/n), don’t feel bad about this,” he muttered, finally looking at you. He had tears in his eyes, but he managed to give you a small, reassuring smile, “because it’s in no way your fault. I’m trying to get over it, even though I wish things ended differently. We just weren’t meant to be,” he sniffled, moving his gaze to the slit again. “But that’s okay. I know you’re better off now, and that’s what truly matters.”

You were speechless. You never expected him to admit to it, yet he did; he was being understanding, and for once took things into your perspective. You were sad that he hadn’t moved on, but at the same time were glad he had learned from his previous mistakes.

Before you could speak again, Changkyun was screaming from the kitchen that the food was ready, startling the two of you. You turned back to Wonho, who was standing up from his spot on the couch.

He motioned for you to follow him, and you stood, unable to stop thinking about his words. He simply gave you a small smile and continued to the kitchen, where Kihyun had saved a seat for you, between him and Minhyuk.

You took a seat, watching as the boys dug into the meal. Kihyun leaned to you and whispered, “did you two settle things?”

You took a deep breath and picked up the spoon set out on the table. “Yeah,” you muttered, glancing at Wonho, who was laughing at Hyungwon. “I suppose we did.”

The One Who Got Away (but not really)

Five years ago, we started talking online.  Neither of us were looking for anything romantic.  We were too young to be involved romantically, anyway.  But it was the start of a long, long back and forth relationship. For me, at least.

I swear that every song that comes on is talking about you.  “What would it take to make you love me?” “The same shit over and over again” “I’d give anything to make you love me” “My God, do I feel so alone” “Sometimes love just ain’t enough”

The nearly two years we actually dated were incredible.  Even though I was grounded for two months after I finally told my parents that I had lied about having a boyfriend, I wouldn’t trade our relationship for anything.  I will always regret asking for us to take a break.  That’s why we’re in this position today.

We have a pattern: I like you.  You date a girl who is totally wrong for you.  I’m there for you throughout the whole relationship and the inevitable breakup.  You realize that it’s always been me. We flirt and we care, dare I say that we love.  Then there are two paths; you date me and we have an amazing two years or you say we can’t do this again and you end up dating another girl only for the cycle to continue.  And after literally five years, you would think I would have gotten tired of this and moved on. But I haven’t because that’s how much I believe in us being right for each other.  Sure, I’ve had some fairly intense crushes.  But in the end, I always find things wrong with them because I compare them all to you. I haven’t dated anyone since you. 

I’ve been trying to find advice on what to do.  I google things like “I keep going back to him” or “I can’t get over him” but all the articles that come up are about toxic relationships or jerks or f-boys. But you’re none of those things.  We didn’t have some big fight.  We didn’t really scream or yell.  We had a cordial breakup, a mutual decision that we needed to take a break.  But our break turned into a break up for you while I was still waiting and break-ing.  You tell me that maybe we should stop talking completely because you don’t want to hurt me and you don’t want me to be sad.  You never beg me to stay for you, which I appreciate.  You don’t promise to make changes and then break them, because there aren’t changes you need to make to be a better boyfriend.  Our issue isn’t that I trust you or shallow promises, because there are no promises you need to make.  

What we need is for the circumstances to be different.  For the timing to be right.  To not be 600 miles apart.  For your new stupid girlfriend to not be in the picture.  I hate myself for saying this, but I’m so glad you’re having issues.  Regardless of me loving you, she will never be the right girl for you. 

The other thing I don’t get is that I know you still care about me.  I don’t understand why you aren’t pining away for me the way I still am for you, not because I think I’m great but because I know you feel the connection we have, too.  Even yesterday, you told me one of your biggest secrets that no one else knows about.  Not any of your ex’s or your friends, only me.  You don’t tell your biggest secret to a girl that you don’t care about.  Not this secret, at least.

If anyone ever reads this, I must sound so desperate.  But I’m not.  I still live my life, I’m pretty sure that desperate is the last word people who know me in real life would use to describe me.  But most of the time, I truly believe that you are The One for me and it terrifies me.  I know I’m still young and have my entire life ahead of me, but I also know that I am very much in my adult life now.  But I cannot picture a future without you in it, and truthfully, I don’t know if I want to.  No one has ever made me feel so loved and cherished.  Even when we aren’t together you still treat me so well.  I know people think that us going back and forth is you treating me poorly, but you aren’t as hmm, spontaneous.  I think love can overcome anything, but you are the more practical one.  And I understand it, I do.  I can’t up and leave college to move to you, so in that way, even my perpetual sense of romanticism can’t win because I can’t make that change.

I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I never would have guessed that five years later, I would be so completely in love with you.  But I am.  I don’t know if I hope that I’m over you, with you, or still in love with you in another five years.  I don’t know if I want for you to still be in my life.

But right now, I’d rather be crying myself to sleep because I can’t be with you than not having you in my life at all. 

I love you and I think I always will. 

 PS--you are now in my hometown with her.  This is the closest we've ever been and you're driving my streets and my highways but you're with her and i'm terrified I might see you and just break down crying.  But I also really really want to see you.  It was supposed to be me.

To Myself on the Night of my 20th Birthday

It can always get worse. This sounds like a really bad note to start this on but I feel that it’s the most important. I never truly learned how bad things can get until this year. You can have your heart broken four times in one day and just before the clock strikes midnight something else will happen. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stop worrying what will go wrong next and just cope with what is in front of you as best as you can. You’ve been here before and you’ll be here again. This applies to being happy, heartbroken, hungover, anxious, etc. It goes for both the days that you’re certain this is the happiest you have ever been and the days you are positive that the next thing to go wrong might physically break you in half. When you’re laying in bed, wherever that bed might be, and dreading the sunrise because that means this day of euphoria is behind you, please know that you will feel that way again. Each time feels pure and like your heart could burst. Although it’s never the same feeling twice, the newness is where the self discovery comes in. Happiness is just as fleeting as sadness and the two of them create a balance that allows you to feel both so strongly and keeps anything from feeling tired. You are more independent than you realize. One morning you will dance to Florence + The Machine’s Breaking Down while you brush your teeth before class, or drive to an unfamiliar place without someone helping you with directions. You’ll take yourself to doctors appointments and make important life decisions without another person’s blessings and it will feel natural. So natural, in fact, that you don’t realize until much later that this would have been a big deal for you 6 months prior. I still haven’t quite figured out where or how the shift happened, but there comes a point where you discover just how wonderful it is to rely on nobody but yourself. Being the most reliable person in your life brings a new kind of confidence that results in feeling more secure in yourself than ever before. Getting over them means more than just no longer missing them. Recovering from a breakup is a lot more than no longer feeling the urge to down an entire bottle of wine and take a 4 hour nap in the middle of the day when his new girlfriend posts a picture with him on Instagram in your favorite date spot. Recovering from something that became very toxic is a long and tiresome process that requires a lot of mental energy but you are more capable than you realize. No longer wishing you were in a relationship with this person and recognizing you’re better off is only a step. Albeit the most important step, it will take much longer to stop feeling nauseous when you drive by their street or find a reminder of the person you were in this relationship. But you will get there sooner than expected, I promise. One morning you’ll wake up and the pain won’t be there anymore. Keep. Moving. Forward. You know that really bad tattoo of your favorite Walt Disney quote that you swore to yourself you would get in 7th grade? Well don’t get that. But think of it as more of a mental tattoo, or a mantra. Feel your feelings, listen to Alanis Morrisette and be angry for a little while, but don’t let this stop you from living your life. The worst thing you can do for yourself is stay in bed and let the vines of anxiety and depression grow over you like that scene in Sleeping Beauty. Don’t cancel your lunch plans because your heart wouldn’t stop pounding long enough for you to sleep for more than half hour intervals the night before. Go to work even if it means you have to excuse yourself to cry in the bathroom a couple times. Looking at yourself in the mirror and saying “you’re fine. Get over it.” will feel harsh but sometimes the best form of self care is proving to yourself that you can be a functioning human in spite of the storm happening in your head. Know when it’s time to pick up the pieces and try again. Your world will get flipped upside down and you will feel like you’re dying for a few weeks. You won’t understand how everyone around you is just living their lives normally while yours has fallen apart. But I promise, when you stop counting how many days it has been since they texted you (and when they do text you, you’ll just cringe at your phone and move on with your day) the sense of accomplishment and excitement at the new beginnings you’re experiencing at every turn will be worth the days you spent on the couch feeling like Sadness from Inside Out. You develop a skill that will save your life many times this year and that is the ability to get tired of being sad about something. Dwelling stops being romantic, you stop giving others the power to make you the broken girl on the floor anymore, and it would be much easier to become cynical but where’s the fun in that? Find things that make you feel like yourself. These things are for nobody but yourself. Don’t worry whether or not it will make you sound smart or cultured when you talk about it, just find something that will snap you back to reality when you’ve spent the entire day walking around feeling like you accidentally put on the wrong skin that morning. Some of these things include but are not limited to - Heathers, Jim Morrison’s voice, Vine compilations, Smoke Rings in the Dark by Gary Allen, the soundtrack to Tarzan, that sweater that someone called your Freddie Krueger sweater one time but you don’t care because you love it, the opening scene of A Clockwork Orange and herbal tea. Your instincts are correct more often than not. Do you think someone is acting shady? They probably are and you should distance yourself from that situation. Do you feel safe around a person? You should make an effort to get closer with them, they could bring a lot of positivity into your life. You have a way of reading people that you don’t realize sometimes until further down the line when they prove to be everything you suspected, whether that be good or utterly disappointing. Your bad feelings come from the gut and they are hard to digest sometimes but they have saved you a lot of time of trying to convince yourself that someone has good intentions for you when they’re really only in it for themselves. Trust yourself more often, give yourself more credit. If the little voice in your head tells you to run, don’t even bother putting your shoes on. A support system is not something that should be forced, but also takes nurturing. There are few things more exhausting than a one sided friendship, or being the friend that only ever talks about their problems but doesn’t want to listen to anyone else’s. Reach out to people, follow through with plans, turn your read receipts on so you can be held accountable for opening a text and forgetting to answer. People are not mind readers so telling yourself that you care about them but not acting on it is not going to accomplish much. You have so much love to give, make people feel special and they will do the same in return almost always. Being close enough with someone that they can look at you and know immediately that things are not okay and you need to fix something will save your life, literally. There is a Fleetwood Mac song for every event in your life, especially the bad ones. In the same month that a boy makes you feel like Silver Springs, another will make you feel like Everywhere every time he enters the room. You’ll meet a girl who calls you her Sister of the Moon. Stevie is a romantic too and is a badass in spite of her soft heart, so don’t feel weird for waking up in the morning with Gypsy stuck in your head. Reserve Songbird for someone that deserves it, not someone who you wished deserved it. You’ll always be figuring something out. On a particularly rough night, after a lot of venting about how I wished everything would just settle down already, my mom said “I’m in my 50s and every time I think I figure out the rules, they change again”. This year I have been able to find the excitement in the unknown and truly embrace the “winging it” attitude. I think that this happened because I realized it was my only choice, but venturing into things that are unsettling and new with the attitude that somehow, some way, you will always figure it out, has felt like the equivalent of turning around and laughing in my anxiety’s face. If you’re not in the process of trying to figure something out, you’re probably asleep. Your sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of or apologized for. Power does not come from how many people desire you but your ability to maintain that power when someone attempts to take it away from you. Your body belongs to nobody else but yourself, so do what you want with it but try not to destroy yourself in the process. Do not use sex as a currency you exchange for love or respect. All sex has meaning, it will always come back to bite you. You’ll eventually get better at distinguishing those meanings even if they hurt. If you know it’s not a good idea, that gut instinct will come back and remind you to run in the opposite direction. Despite the discomfort of those around you, do not feel guilty for being more comfortable in your sexuality than a lot of 20 year olds. You can still enjoy sex and have the highest standards of self respect. Have fun, be safe, be nice to your heart. Everyone is just feeling around in the dark, try not to take things so personally. Remember how I said you’re never going to have everything figured out? Well, same goes for every other person you will encounter this year and probably for the rest of your life. Anyone who thinks they have it all figured out is lying or scared or both (most likely both). You are not in charge of anyone’s actions but your own, so what is important is to learn to accept that you cannot control how anyone feels about you, treats you or whether or not they will break their promises to you. Don’t go through life expecting the worst, but also don’t underestimate human’s abilities to do a complete 180 on you when you least expect it. There will be apologies that you will and will not receive, questionable decisions made and general confusion. In the end, take the constant feeling like you have no idea what is going on, multiply it times 40, and place it on everyone else. This will put other people’s actions into perspective and remind you that almost everything people do to hurt you is not a personal attack on you despite how much it feels that way. You have so, so much to offer to the world. Back to the power thing, one of the most important lessons you will learn this year resides in how much power you have regardless of how many guys want to sleep with you. Sometimes you will wake up to texts from your friends announcing how proud they are of everything you have overcome and you will be reminded that you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Treat everyday life as an artform and maintain that “I always figure it out” attitude and things will start happening for you. Drop the people that make you feel small or unloveable, surround yourself with friends that think you’re really cool and make yourself laugh at least once a day. You’re doing fine no matter what that little angry voice in your head is telling you. We still have so much to learn.

Griefly

How do you describe grief to someone? The feeling of having your heart ripped from your chest and beyond. There’s this ghostly pain, like a phantom limb you just forget they’re gone for only one moment and it overwhelms you. One more word. One more hug. One more something. Even just their breath, their chest rising once more. You become so desperate you see them in your sleep. Hold them, this beautiful idea of them. They’ll like the best parts of them that you can remember. It hurts so badly to wake up and have it disappear. It doesn’t even matter if they were awful, if you opened yourself up to them, they will take your heart when theirs stops. To think it would weigh on your shoulders so much? It becomes so heavy my head stoops and my back aches and my legs buckle. I’m not tired of fighting yet, because I am strong, but so many aren’t. Some aren’t made for burdens.

If I had to tell you about grief, about what you will feel, or not feel, or just to help you know what it feels like, I’d have to say it’s just nothing. You don’t know it hurts. You don’t see a wound and you think you’re fine. You forget for a little while to give your brain a break, then you shatter all at once. Just one whiff of their old perfume, someone with too similar build and hair, a phrase or song that they loved. Just an event can set it off, maybe you only went to the movies with them or they joined you on a job interview that you were terrified of. The voice, that’s the worst. If you have voicemails, it hurts so much because it feels so unreal. You can get lost in this delusion, that they left something there for you to find. The answers of their death. There had to be a hint, tell me why? Why you?

I can tell you; you won’t be able to know these feelings until someone you loved more than life, is suddenly gone. They could have been the most amazing person in the world, or they could have been the devil reincarnated. If you gave them something of you, it will hurt. The amount you gave determines the healing time. The way to treat the wounds all depends on what part of you broke. The heart and mind are difficult, like computer coding you must debug. Think about the worst breakup where you cried like you lost the most perfect being you’ve ever known. You go to bars just to drunkenly talk about them and cry. You still keep them in mind when shopping or when you hear a song. Yet they broke your heart into as many pieces as they could, with words or actions, they ended it. Take that gut-wrenching pain and multiply that by 10. Maybe 100. The magnitude depends on part you gave up. Good parents definitely reach 100, but even a bad parent is at least a 50.

The nightmares can make those numbers worse. When my mom died, I had told someone that we almost wish she had succeeded those other times, because she was so difficult and so bad all the time. She was toxic, she was manipulative, she was mean. She was also charming, competitive, and fierce. I have nightmares where she did live, and she became worse and those old thoughts came back. I’m glad you did it, this is truly hell. Then I wake up and realize maybe it wasn’t that bad, for her to be at her worst, because at least I had a chance at getting her best too. I don’t like to dwell on such sad thoughts forever though, I have living to do. The dead have nothing but watchful eyes from the shadows. I will not lose the same battle of life until I am satisfied. If I die suddenly, that would still be quite the story to tell in the afterlife. If there’s nothing but great silence, at least we will all rest and know none of it even mattered in the first place.