#I wrote this nd I was like yes feeling like myself again
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Don't mind me just imaging old man price and unconsciously caressing his happy trail while cuddling watching TV 😖
Okay but imagine this…
Old man Price sprawled out on the couch wearing nothing but a pair of ratty sweats he’s stolen from you, watching whatever show is playing on the tv that he’s not really paying attention to.
He momentarily pauses his show to look at the clock hanging on the wall, noticing there isn’t much time left til you’re back home again.
Sometimes Price hated being retired and longed for the days where the two of you would be out together on the field, working and enjoying each other’s company.
However he couldn’t deny the fact that he enjoyed the comfort of being in your shared home, wrapped up in your blankets and wearing your clothes that still smelled of cologne while watching his shows and hearing the rain enviously tapping on his window.
The sheer thought of it has a contented sigh escaping his lips, eyes fluttering shut as he sink further into the cushion beneath him.
All that’s missing is for you to crawl up by his side, insisting that two full grown adults can fit perfectly on the very small couch, a back and forth argument that would only result in pecks being placed on his lips, as your eager hands touch all over his body.
While thinking about it, he starts moving his hand in lazy circles on his soft abdomen, in the same way you’d do it, with blunt nails lightly scratching at his skin and fingers tugging at the coarse hair dusted on his body. Although his hand feels nothing like yours, this little fantasy of his is enough to have blood pooling to the lower half of his body.
Without even realizing it, he spreads his legs, the blanket that’s been covering him carelessly falls to the floor and his fingers latch onto his nipples, tugging at taunting the sensitive numb, in the very same way your own fingers would do it.
A shaky breath escapes his lips, cock twitching in excitement and hips effortlessly buckling up in search of any sort of friction he could get.
If you’d been here you’d tease him more, make him beg and whine and whimper before you touched his cock but you aren’t here and he’s oh so eager to have a hand on him so he quickly shuffles down his (your) sweats and wraps a hand around his length.
His cock is warm and already fully hard, precum trickling down his knuckles. Despite his age you never fail to make him feel young again, playing his body like a flute even if you're not physically there.
He can't help but smile at the sheer thought of it but it quickly drops from his face as he starts languidly stroking himself.
“O-oh“ he moans out, eyes squeezing shut and hips bucking up into his own touch.
He continues to indulge in his little fantasy, pretending you’re there on the couch with him, your body weight caging him in, the smell of you surrounding him and with your face smiling down at him. As he does so he feels himself increase his pace, slowly but surely inching closer to the edge.
“Please sir please” he hears himself say, desperately asking for you, to be here, to touch him, to make him see stars in the way only you can.
It doesn’t take much before he’s tipping over the edge, a string of curses tumbling past his lips as ropes of cum paint your sweats.
For a moment he’s so lost in bliss, eyes squeezed shut, hand still stroking his dick before he’s broken out of his trance by the sound of a familiar voice calling for him.
“Sweetheart what are you doing?” And as he opens his eyes he’s met with the familiar sight of you standing there in front of him, eyes swirling with desire while smiling down at him.
#I wrote this nd I was like yes feeling like myself again#it’s not perfect I’m just happy my brain is working again but I hope you enjoy 🫶🏻#alec answers#call of duty#also this is not part of the old man lore just a piece I wrote now that I’m feeling better 🫶🏻#john price#john price x reader#john price x male reader#captain john price#captain john price x male reader#captain john price x reader#dom male reader#sub male character#x male reader#male reader#price x reader#price x male reader
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"Cishet probably". The words of a man who is yet to learn that gender is a circus and clowns can be hot.
Or what I mean is more like.... That's really interesting in a sense, as soneone who is ambiguous/not caring on all levels, I really wanna study the anatomy of the cishet experience. I can't figure it out. Is it like. If you see a person your ability to be attracted to them depends on your current knowledge of their gender? So you could see a person and assume they are a woman, so then you are into them, but then they might turn out not to identify as a woman, and that is a turn-off?
And the other way around, maybe you meet someone and assume they're a guy so it doesn't enter your mind that they could be hot, but then you learn that they are a woman, and then it becomes an option?
I'm really not trying to be offensive so I'm so sorry if I am. I'm just super curious, as a person who was never able to conceptualize gender in myself or others very well. I find attraction complicated as is, and imagining adding the matrix of gender into it is like... Galaxy brain woah h o w ?
Uh. Anyways, good vibes.
(Came to think of it cuz you say you're a top/into bottoms. And like certainly the top/bottom dichotomy transcends gender, but at the same time, I wonder what the "communication" is in there in a cishet context? Does it mean "I don't like getting penetrated by a partner", or is it more about "top energy". And if yes, what is "top energy" in a cishet context?
I really hope I'm not coming across as rude, I'm literally just super curious about people who ID as cishet, so when I run into someone who seems approachable I turn into 12 questions with ....
Also this also is related to the fact that I'm like a dude but in a girl way you feel? Like most people attracted to me are also attached to gnc women, but also if you need to call me 'her' to get off, we probably won't vibe, and as a general rule I do avoid having sex with cishet guys bc if their attraction is somehow contingent on internal misgendering of me, it's awkward. But I'm trying to figure out how that works. )
Sorry I'll stop asking now. I'll get my ND ass under control.
Yes to your first three questions.
So I call myself cishet because first I’m fairly sure that I’m not trans. I feel like a man, whatever that means. I get what I think is a sense of euphoria from doing certain “masculine” things (wearing suits, fixing things, etc.). I don’t like the idea of me wearing a skirt of other typically feminine clothing. I don’t like when people use feminine versions of my name and pronouns that aren’t he/him for me. In all aspects I can think of I’m a man.
As for the hetero part I know I like women. I always have as far as I can remember. I’ve never had attraction to men. Although in the past few years with learning about trans and nb people I’ve had to think more about it. I used to be transphobic in the sense that while I respected pronouns and names I wouldn’t accept that people were their something other than their assigned gender. After learning about the science behind sex and the social dynamics of gender I now fully accept trans and enby peeps. But that means reconsidering what I like about women and don’t like about men.
I’ve seen femboys that I’ve mistaken for women and been attracted to them. After finding out they were boys i was confused but I just wrote it off and didn’t think about it. I saw a lot of enbies that looked more masc or fem and I was attracted to them if I thought they were afab. But then I saw some enbies that were really androgynous and was really confused again. I learned that you can’t tell if someone is a man or woman or other just by looking at them. It’s possible I’m just attracted to femininity and not women specifically. But also women with muscles are hot.
Answering your question about tops and bottoms. After spending time in queer spaces I realized just how boring most cishet relationships are both romantically and sexually. The top, dom, and giver roles, etc are all dumped on the man while the bottom, sub, and receiver roles are all given to the woman. I think most cishets don’t even differentiate between the roles.
My brain still doesn’t comprehend what it’s like to be “a dude in a girl way” or anything similar to that. Like I respect you as a person I just don’t understand how that works. It seems like a contradiction at first but I know boy and girl aren’t opposites.
Sorry for taking so long to respond to this but I wanted to give you some good answers.
#long post#shark sayin stuff#I hope this answers all your questions :3#dm or ask me if you have more :3
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I saw this comment a while ago and i think people like anon (who was talking about we not wanting jm to date woman) who are interested in matching kitchen counters and sofa (that comes with the house itself) would be able to explain me why jm's kitchen counter and daeun's kitchen counters are on completely opposite sides??? Did it change suddenly anon? So they are/were living in the same house yet have two different kitchen counters? Her kitchen counter literally matched RM's kitchen counter so ig they're both dating now? RM's kitchen pic u can see in second image. The first one is a story posted by daeun nd it's not even a selfie cam or anything so you don't get to twist it that way too lol. This is what we mean when we don't want to sit here and start matching counters, cutlery of two humans from sk that has population around 51million.
About the guy you're talking pjms didn't mind shipping jm with (which everyone was joking btw if you didn't get the joke/humour, they still do), that man's name is lee saeon who's a good friend of jimin with whom we have seen jimin hanging out in reality and not just in someone's imagination. We have seen jm with saeon on sungwoon's musical, we have seen a leaked footage of jm with saeon (which shouldn't have leaked in the first Place but alas) from a CCTV of a shop/Mart from literally 4am so i guess that tells you enough about how close they both are. Now anon you give me atleast ONE picture of jm and that woman together, show me atleast one video of jm hanging out with that woman and we can sit here and talk about them probably dating eachother. You people are so stupid and angry at us because we don't wanna think jm is dating someone based on kitchen counter and rumours started by his antis and tkkrs who wants to prove he's straight dating woman so they can feel safe about their ship cause they're very much convinced jm can steal jk from tae at any given point.
Same pjms ship jm with enwoo too (again anon jokingly) cause again they seems good friends and we have seen them together in the same frame, talking to e/o, hugging e/o and sticking together in a whole ass party where enwoo's supposed bestie was present too. They do that with Vernon too sometimes cause guess what? Jm and him had interacted with e/o too. We ain't sitting here matching shit.
Now read what i wrote above again anon and tell me who sounds more childish, stupid, toxic with zero brain cause it surely ain't people who wants to talk about things based on evidence and reality.
People started talking about taennie because there's pictures of taehyung and Jennie together and there's a whole ass video of them walking on the roads of paris did you have anything like that for this rumour? If yes bring it up and we can talk.
We're here for jm's music, here because of his personality and not to see who he's dating or gonna date in future. We got nothing to do with that. Most of the pjms believe he's bi so why would we gonna have problem with him dating woman?? If i see him talking, hanging out with a woman and see a good chemistry I'll myself would hope to see them together. Idk where you're getting this idea of pjms not wanting jm near woman cause we all know how he is. We ain't homophobic jjks and KTHs or yns who thinks their fav gona fall in love with them and date them.
Period 😭
I don't get what's so hard to understand that it's not about the fact that she's a woman... It's about the fact that there's no proof they even know each other.
The most ridiculous thing is that they keep comparing it to taennie, mijoo, or Jungkook's leaked video when it's so obviously different. At least they're there with the girls. And I saw all that happen in real time, which as I've mentioned, is important to me. On the same note, people seem to forget I've I said never believed the yubi rumours because the basis for it is just the same as the daeun one. And if only they knew some of the stuff I've seen that I don't even bring up also because, just like daeun, is all very speculative. Like there was even a thread speculating the woman in Jungkook's apartment was one of Jennie's friend. Or how there was one Instagram story of bibi having dinner and you could hear someone who sounded a lot like Jungkook's voice in the background.
But I can't prove anything with that, the same way I can't prove anything with daeun, because you can't even see him. How's that so hard to understand 😐 it's not that I'm making an exception because it's a rumour that involves Jimin. It's simply a baseless rumour to my standards.
It's also about the extreme push of it all.. from the beginning they made it a "living together" rumour. It wasn't dating, or hook ups or anything, it was straight up living together 🥸
The eunwoo and saeon jokes are more widely accepted simply because everything mentioned. There's at least proof of them already having a relationship, a friendship. It's the exact same as when they say Jungkook is dating mingyu. There's some basis of real relationships in all those jokes.
Jimin was the first member to have female dancers, and to dance with one. He joked with armys about it just like how he fast forwarded the like crazy mv simply because that's what he does and he actually cares about the content being appropriate for everyone; but not precisely because he's scared of being seen with women or anything. Pjms were literally celebrating every moment of it, and pjms were also really happy about the photos he took at jitb party. I myself also thought they were all so cute.
It's not that it's a woman, it's the context and how hard they keep trying to make it seem like it's the same situation as taennie when there's a literal video of Taehyung and Jennie walking hand in hand, and they expect me to sit here and look at couches and say "oh yeah absolutely this is irrevocable proof of a relationship and it's totally in the same level as a photo of Taehyung kissing Jennie's forehead".
I don't even care to look for pictures but the mental image when you compare the three situations (taennie/daeun/Jungkook and mijoo/mysterious woman) is so absurd. One is definitely not like the others.
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Hebi Anon
(I'm just gonna say this outright, Donbrothers bounced me right off starting with and after episode 14 and I had some problems before then. I just found what I considered problems too egregious to overlook anymore at that point. Infact thinking about those episodes still makes me mildly upset. Maybe seeing your opinions later on will change my mind?)
Taro isn't perfect, but for the most part he's being displayed as perfect nonetheless. He's the best fighter, the most experienced, does most of the heavy lifting in fights, has powers the others lack, outright says he brings good fortune to others, etc. Jin outright stating that "[Taro] is the solution to learn from" is currently one of the biggest examples of others describing him as a form of perfect and you will see other examples of Taro being put on the "perfect" pedestal. Now I fully understand that deconstructing the trope of "The Ace" is the point of Taro's story, but I don't like how it's being dealt with and I'll save that for when it comes up.
Though I suppose it's more accurate to say "exceptional vs unexceptional" instead of "perfect vs imperfect".
As for the lack of understanding. At least to me and at this point in the show, it feels like Taro doesn't just not understand but is ACTIVELY REFUSING to understand others. Take the lying for example. "I don't understand why people lie", it comes off (again, to me) like "why would anybody do something so obviously and objectively wrong" when he near daily experiences a reason why lying would benefit him in a small way: Rock, Paper, Scissors. His coworkers use the game to put some of the work off themselves and onto him. If he just doesn't answer "which are you going to choose" (which would not be telling a lie), he'd win and nobody would be hurt.
Another example would be his answer to Haruka and Saruhara's questions. Yes that is the truth (not knowing what's going on but acting because it needs to be done), but the tone comes off to me as "Why are you asking pointless questions? Just do it like I do. Why don't you understand that?". Unlike lying, this isn't a moral quandary, they're just trying to make sense of things, so why say something like that when a simple "I'm sorry I don't know either. I never asked why before. This is just something I've been doing" probably wouldn't have elicited the "try to understand other people better" response
I understand neurodivergency, I have bad ADHD myself and I think that I only started to understand the social aspect of life a few years ago. But there's still a difference between being incapable of understanding and refusing to understand (Me and a lot of my friends have been burned way too many times by neurotypical people getting angry at us asking what they think are obvious questions that we don't pick up the answers to due to being ND, so this gets a strong reaction out of me)
There's A LOT more I want to say, but to avoid spoilers I'll keep it until you reach those points in the show. If this is too negative for you, say so and I'll stop.
WOOHOO!!! I love long asks <333
Esp ones with differing opinions and takes; because discussion is so much fun for me to delve into LOL
So keep 'em coming homie, this isn't too negative for me at all lmaooo. You could demean my entire character and call me stupid and I'd be like "wow!!! Great discussion point---" hahhaahahaha.
It'll be interesting to hear about your takes as we continue, I'll surely write an essay/analysis on Donbrothers at some point, but I want to wait till like at LEAST episode 10
(I only wrote analysis for Revice after episode 10 enlightened the way I looked at the prior 9 episodes LOL)
No idea if anything I'll do or say will change the way you feel or think on a subject but :33
There IS one thing I'll say rn about Momoi and 'actively refusing to understand others'
(Quoting you, so I don't gotta keep scrollin up LOL):
Take the lying for example. "I don't understand why people lie", it comes off (again, to me) like "why would anybody do something so obviously and objectively wrong" when he near daily experiences a reason why lying would benefit him in a small way: Rock, Paper, Scissors. His coworkers use the game to put some of the work off themselves and onto him. If he just doesn't answer "which are you going to choose" (which would not be telling a lie), he'd win and nobody would be hurt.
Hmmmmmm.
I think it's really easy to judge things by one's own standards in life. Its the reason why people who have never experienced things like mental illness, poverty, food restrictions, etc --- have such a trouble understanding WHY someone is the way that they are, or why they do or make certain actions.
The thing with Momoi is,,,,I don't think he's had anyone to challenge him
(I don't mean in fights)
having someone who is different from you, in thoughts and opinions, is truly one of the best ways to learn and grow. Because the other person challenges the way you think, they challenge your beliefs, and this helps create introspection (and like here, discussion) which is vital in development.
It seems that ever since he was young, his neurodivergency created too hostile an environment for this kind of growth to happen.
He literally has no connections (socially) in life except Jin (who's been JACKED) and his co-workers ---who actively take advantage of Momoi on the daily.
Momoi doesn't understand lying because he's never needed to lie. He's never lied himself. And so if he doesn't need to lie, why would anyone else?
Momoi also likes helping people ---so if someone's asking for his thoughts, he tells them. He doesn't realize the nuance of these situations. He doesn't see it, doesn't recognize it in the facial expressions, or in the way something he says changes the entire mood of the room.
And it's because of these things that he doesn't understand why he keeps losing. There's a lack of connection between 'answering a question' and 'the consequences the answer has'
Quoting you again:
Another example would be his answer to Haruka and Saruhara's questions. Yes that is the truth (not knowing what's going on but acting because it needs to be done), but the tone comes off to me as "Why are you asking pointless questions? Just do it like I do. Why don't you understand that?". Unlike lying, this isn't a moral quandary, they're just trying to make sense of things, so why say something like that when a simple "I'm sorry I don't know either. I never asked why before. This is just something I've been doing" probably wouldn't have elicited the "try to understand other people better" response
I get what you're saying here homie :33
But Tarou isn't socialized (LOL)
"I'm sorry, I don't know either" <-- Momoi wouldn't understand why he would need to apologize if he didn't know the answer to something.
(As why would that be his fault?)
"I never asked why before. This is just something I've been doing." <--is an exploration behind your own thoughts and behaviors.
I genuinely do not think Momoi explores his thoughts and behaviors enough to be able to explain them to someone. "I just do this."
Imagine someone fluent in english. If a foreign friend who wants to learn english, asks them, 'Hey why do you say pink elephant, and not elephant pink? Why is it that a goose becomes geese but a moose doesn't become meese??"
If the english speaker didn't take courses teaching on how to teach english to someone else (especially a second language learner) the answer they would have 99% of the time would be:
"Lol you just do it? ƪ(ツ)∫"
They don't have the ability to explain why they do something. Because its intuitive -- it's not something they think about.
And Momoi ---because of lack of social and community interaction and engagement --- 100% doesn't know how to explain the why. He's never known how to explain it. All he knows is how to state facts/what to instruct on the next thing to do.
He wouldn't even know why you would *need* to explain the reason behind something. If he knows what needs to be done, then why would you want to know the reason why?
A lot of people who are talented in a particular subject, often aren't good at explaining why they do a thing, or at explaining how to do it, to someone else. Animes often make fun of this --- like in Haikyuu when Hinata describes how to do things with sounds.
"You go krrrr and then BLAM! Got it?"
Everyone else: ..................................w o t
This is why asking someone why they do something if they learned it intuitively is really quite pointless because nearly every time the answer is:
ƪ(ツ)∫
...
This is why I got so "AHHhhHHhhHHHh" When Haruka and Haiku tell Momoi he needed to understand people better, because he doesn't even know how to do that?
And because of this it makes him feel more isolated and othered. Momoi already thinks something's "not good" about him, and their responses really just confirm it. Because in him 'needing to understand people better' it just tells Momoi that he doesn't understand people ---that something about him is broken, or wrong, or Not Good and because of this he lacks this "understanding."
He lacks being a part of "people."
That's why I said the next shot was interesting because it looked like Momoi was at a confessional. Like he was a sinner confessing his sins to some omnipotent God.
Doubly interesting, seeing as the people he's "confessing" to are Haruka and Haiku who immediately condemn his lack of understanding.
Momoi isn't refusing to understand, he never learned how -- no one taught him, or told him, and he doesn't even know how to state what he doesn't know. Unlike everything else, understanding is something he can't learn intuitively. He doesn't even know how to ask: 'How do I understand people better?"
And because of this he sees himself seated in the place of a "sinner." In the place of someone who confesses what he knows. Who confesses his truth, only to be condemned for it. Everyone else are the omnipotent God ---they know what he doesn't, they understand --- something he clearly lacks, and because of this he'll always be lesser than them.
He'll always be "Not Good."
(Really funny homie as we reacted to this scene very strongly because of the same principle but on two totally separate ends LOL)
You're upset and frustrated because you read this scene as Momoi being a CHAD and condemning Haruka and Haiku for asking pointless questions instead of "just doing it."
I was upset and frustrated (taking much psychic damage) because I read this scene as Haruka and Haiku condemning Momoi for what they think are obvious questions that he should be asking, what they think/believe are obvious and socially universal things --when Momoi doesn't even pick up on the questions. When he doesn't even realize he should be asking them.
He only picks up on the facts. And his fact, is that he doesn't have all the answers, and just knows what he needs to do/what needs to be done.
That was his confession.
And he was condemned for it.
#anyways I get exactly where you're coming from#Momoi is just a simple guy#no self introspection#no social understanding whatsoever#no connection between actions in the moment and the 'effects' or consequences caused by them#He doesn't know about tone or how to monitor himself or the mood in a room#he doesn't have the foundation to ask questions or to understand#He does because that's the only thing he CAN do#my thougts#avataro sentai donbrothers#donbrothers liveblog#donbrothers#before harvesting season#6 peach falls#who let delivery boy bring a parade float to a gun fight#hebi anon 🫡🤝💋#asks#sentaisouped
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i wanted to reblog her(first kiss) BUT IT HAS 420 NOTES AND WHO AM I TO RUIN THAT
the way jungkook and mc act around each other theyre so comforting nd domestic.
fav part HAD to be when jungkook literally springs up when mc said she would like to make out with him. he is absolutely precious
also ur writing is just so!! descriptive and captivating, the way you wrote about the pictures and then described him as an emotional horder just YES
def gonna come back to it when im high myself :O
LMAO 420 rise! thank you so much for reading and sending this message it made me smile irl! i love their dynamic and i love the fact they’re exploring what oc feels for him without putting any pressure on themselves, jk could’ve quite easily shut down after she rejected him before but he didn’t. really proves how solid their friendship is! thank u for complimenting my writing style aaaa i get major anxiety abt not being good enough at writing so whenever you guys talk about the things you like it makes my whole heart flutter, thank you so much!!! LMAO yes pls read Her while high i can imagine that being a wonderful experience!! thank u again :)
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2...
i choose to use the word type theere because this isnt wrting. this is just typing. infact its not even typing because im still thinking as im writing this its the wrttten down equivalent to talking. there doesnt seem to be a word for that. not one that i can think of anyway but there should be. were unable to edit our conversations the words that come out of our mouth when were talking to another person which is what im doing here ineffect. im speaking to the millions and millions of people. maybe not millions because tumblr is a dying medium. like all the good ones. except mybe facebook. i’m glab ffacebook is dying. that what everyone says anyway although i find it hard to believe because i can still see mark zuckerberg’s smug little billionare face evrywhere . shit i just miss spelled everywhere and i had to physically restrain myself from correcting it. but no i wont. i cant. because ive aleady said it. ive already said it to every tumblr user. is there a verb for that? fuck is it even a verb? or is it a noun? i cant remember. dead white men dead white men. who cares i dont. im brown and im very much alive. i cant edit the words that come out my mouth so i refuse to edit the words that are coming ut of my hands. i like that. im a craftman whi works with his hands a nd words are my trade. shit i should have said tradesman. well i can say it now. because thats what i would have done if i were saying these words. but i dont say words. i just write them. and if they were good enough to come out my hands then theyre good to be read as is. definietly not good enough to be published on a actual physical paper ofcourse because that costs money. (ignore that a) and resourse are finite etc etc. i studied economics so i should know. but publishing on the internet is free. and we like free. everyone likes free. so that what i’m doing. im starting to lose my train of thaough here. so perhaps i should stop for the day, but i cant for some reason. and i just read back over what i wrote. im not sure if i can do that because when you lose your train of though in real life youre unable to physically go through it word by word to…find it? do you find yoyr train of thought? that really doesnt sound right but it must be. what else could be the oppisite of losing your train of thought. dead white men and theire proverbs. who needs them. i felt pride and being able to remember the word proverb there. but i shouldn’t!!!! fuck english grammer and its impreialistic agendas. i refuse it and i aim to use this…blog..oh god that was painful to write, because i usually hate bloggers, theyre always trying to sell something to you. and yet they none of them look like willy loman, who is the only salesman i’ve ever felt any kinship towards. a literary refernce there to make myself feel good, even if it was a cliched one. but yes i suppose this is a blog even if id like to tell myself its not. but ive just decided to make it long enough to no longer be considered a blog. im just going to keep adding to it. after all the whole point of a blog is to have a point. yech that came out terribly but i cant edit it! oh battery running low. okay okay okay think. and…i cant of course…because that how it always work. but i can stop typing. because i can stop talking. theoretically. but i cant reread. and im losing that fucking train again.
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Furuba autistic headcanons
With it being April, or autism acceptance month, I wanted to finally drop my list of characters from Fruits Basket that I read as autistic! This is based a lot on my own experience, as well as that of other autistics I know or have seen talk online. I hope some people can get something out of it, feel free to tell me what you think 😊, though please refrain from getting upset that I would dare suggest your fave is autistic.
Hanajima
Before becoming able to better control her powers, she would be constantly overwhelmed by the things she heard to the point that she couldn't even really go out in public. This reads a lot like sensory overload.
Constantly picked on in school because other kids thought she was weird. Eventually reclaimed this weirdness and turned it into a whole persona.
Seems to talk usually in a relatively flat tone.
Had trouble socializing with no friends outside her family until middleschool.
Has a very funny, dry sense of humor that I find very similar to a bunch of autistics I know, including myself.
Hatsuharu
Listen. You have seen the funky little man, you have seen the way he talks, the way he acts around others. He is, and I mean this in the best way, a weirdo. I do not know how you could look at him and see a neurotypical.
Once again, like Hana, Haru is funny in a way that feels very autistic.
Very flat, dry, tone delivery. Sometimes just Says Things that make everyone else go huh??? Suuuuper blunt. Doesn't emote facially a lot of the time.
When this man sees a social norm he doesn't get he WILL NOT follow it. Pierces his ears just because his hair got flak, defends Momiji wearing whatever he wants because sometimes y'know the social rules are just dumb and don't make sense. Especially dress codes.
Sometimes says things not befitting the current tone of the situation.
Represses (masks) a lot of his emotions, leading to outbursts that seem uncharacteristic.
His main childhood trauma revolves around adults branding him as "dumb" and ridiculing him. Haru, however, is super smart and wise!! Just in an offbeat way that not everyone may get.
Machi
Reads as very "flat" emotionally to the point that others would call her boring. Also has a flat vocal delivery.
Relies on specific habits or ways of doing things or else she gets super upset (her hatred of imperfection.
Has trauma surrounding adults completely misconstruing her intentions and thinking she's doing something malicious when she's not.
Generally behaves in a way that's hard for others to understand, one of her formative moments with Yuki was him saying he wanted to "see how the world looks" through her eyes.
Once again, trouble socializing.
Tries super hard to please her parents but in the end they still see her as somehow inherently "defective."
Listen. A lot of this one and the last two are mostly vibes, hard to verbally define. You just have to look at them and trust me.
Tohru
Displays behavior very reminiscent of masking throughout the story, a huge part of her arc is about how she hides a lot of herself and has a very controlled persona. I think it would fit very well if she had other autistic behaviors that she suppresed also it helps explain why she is relatively socially adept, it's learned behavior to make people like her more.
Yes she is very good at saying what others need to hear, but especially early on she is pretty blatantly imitating her mother's words. She only gets better at getting through on a more personal level later on (see her with Rin and Akito v. early series Tohru). She does this by relating her own experiences, a very autistic way of showing empathy that often gets us written off as self centered. The way she relays things her mom said could also be seen as this, and she even worries at a few points that she's being insensitive for going on about things like that.
While emotionally repressed she is hyper empathetic and feels other's emotions so strongly she cries.
Her speech patterns are all imitated from her father and she often copies verbal things from others (see Ritchan-san). Noted in canon that people think her way of speaking is slightly off/not befitting of someone her age. Additionally, her father was polite more sarcastically, while she plays it straight and sometimes takes things very literally or fails to get the message, indicating trouble with reading tone. Has numerous strange verbal tics, including saying parts of her internal monologue out loud without context.
Very expressive with her hands including waving them around and flapping them up and down.
Does have a bit of trouble with accidental insensitivity in social interactions, like how she constantly fixates on her mom and realizes that might bug the Sohma.
Has trouble paying attention in school since it doesn't have much to do with her interests
Her only friend until she was a middle schooler was her mom
Has a pretty unique outlook on things compared to others, people seem to think she's pretty eccentric. There's always a "this girl is nice but in an odd way, she's our weirdo and we love her" vibe.
Sometimes has an "inappropriate" emotional response to situations
Has a lot of trouble with change, similar to Akito. Which oh, look at the time, next hc coming up.
But first, a disclaimer. It is cathartic for me to read Akito this way, but with that reading comes the baggage that she would, mayhaps, be showing a more negative side of things... It doesn't bother me since it's a joint hc with other characters and she does develop at the end but yeah, general villain hc baggage. This is in no way me trying to excuse her being The Worst being autistic doesn't absolve you of being able to do wrong . Also, a lot of these points can and do have other explanations related to her upbringing, but things can be for more than 1 reason. With that said, she really strongly comes off as autistic to me, in a way that's sorta hard to explain. I wrote a lot more for her than the other, both because I felt I needed more to convince people and that this headcanon was more sensitive and I needed to be careful in my explanation. Also hey! She's my special interest within a special interest.
Akito
Shown to have a dislike of summer weather due to heat and brightness, could be due to sensory issues in tandem with sickness things. Also covers her ears when people raise their voice sometimes which is partially her trying to shut down opposition but also 🤔 can read a different way. She'd also avoids louder Juuni like Ritsu and Ayame because she can't handle them.
Wears pretty much the same outfit every single day. Said outfit is also pretty loose fitting.
Always seen sitting in a pretty unconventional way. Evidence:
Of course this is also the isolated in a cult thing and there is a level of her purposefully doing things to intimidate but: doesn't follow a lot of social rules (overly touchy with strangers, legit doesn't get that what she's doing is wrong, ect.). Repeatedly confused when people indicate she should act otherwise without explanation. Has a breakdown when this comes to a head and approximately says that "they" shouldn't expect her to know "common sense" if "they" never explained it to her, that the way that she was was her "common sense."
Often talks in a way uncharacteristic of her age when shown as a child in a more faux mature/pretentious way. Might just be the translation and idk how to explain it but her speech as an adult also seems off from what one would normally use in conversation. Additionally, when she tries to fake being friendly in her intro chapter, it comes of as extremely stiff and unconvincing.
Generally displays behavior that could be thought of as childish as an adult, but a lot of this behavior could also read as autistic (covering ears, emotional deregulation and meltdowns, ignorance of basic social norms, ect.). It's also important to note that she knows that this behavior makes her seem younger and more helpless to the older zodiac and uses it as a manipulation tactic. Has issues regarding people treating her like a child or only hanging out with her because of pity. While she does weaponize it, we can tell that this grates on her, as seen with her finally blowing up on Kureno, which is partially triggered by the maids saying some sorta infantalizing stuff about her. Irl, a lot of autistic adults and teens struggle with being infantalized for our behavior generally or treated as little babies that can do no wrong. Even in fandom, you see people doing stuff like jumping to call autistic adult characters, such as Entrapta from Shera, "minor coded." It is also common for us to have at least one bad experience with someone hanging around us out of pity. This is something that really gave me a similar feeling in Akito's arc. She's not a baby and she can understand and do better if she is given the chance to learn and break from all the freaky cult indoctrination she's been subjected to instead of just being constantly enabled. In the end, a lot of her growth is represented by her showing that she is capable of changing and being independent.
Shows particular difficulty with socialization, often sits by herself spacing out at social events. A lot of her fear is rooted in the fact that she doesn't know how normal relationships work, becoming overly reliant on the curse because she doesn't know how to make friends.
Clings desperately onto the notion of being "special" and in some way superior to others to be worthy and to make up for perceived inherent "flaws." It's the nd gifted kid burnout vibes for me.
Easily bothered by things that don't bother others. Feels emotions very strongly to the point of getting physically ill and has bad emotional regulation.
Relatively good at reading others in an analytical sense (though has more trouble when it comes to seeing how they feel about her since she's wildly delusional) but brings up her observations in a very cold, detached way and hurts people even on the rare occasion she didn't mean to. Has extreme trouble connecting to others and understanding their point of view. This makes her come off as pretty unempathetic even though that might not fully be the case. Also thinks that people like Momiji are trying to look down on her when they try to empathize with her. A lot of why Tohru can get through to her is that she manages to convince Akito that she's not condescending by relating shared traits and experiences. As I said earlier, autistics often empathize by sharing their own experiences with someone, and I know I often have an easier time confiding in other autistics because of a fear of being seen as lesser by those that don't understand me. I think the connection between these charachters and the way that Tohru manages to reach Akito like that while others couldn't makes a lot of sense through an autistic lense!
Additionally, when Akito herself gets around to trying to help others instead of just projecting trauma, she tries to reach out to the old maid by relating back to her own experiences. This however, doesn't work.
Has "cold" emotional reactions sometimes even to things that do make her upset. For example, how sort of calm and detached she acted after her father's death can make her seem uncaring. However, we know that this event did mess her up a lot and she is still (poorly) dealing with a lot of grief from the death of her father years later.
Copies mannerisms from others, the most blatant example is with Ren, who she directly parrots lines from as a child to Yuki.
Partly just her posturing, but gestures a lot with her hands when she talks. Also seen several times clutching her hands in her hair.
Deals extremely poorly with the idea of things changing to the point that it is a driving force of the story.
Does not understand when people tease her.
Ect. Ect. Ect. Listen, I could go on for ages but just trust me, the mean gremlin lady is autistic.
#fruits basket#akito sohma#tohru honda#saki hanajima#machi kuragi#hatsuharu sohma#actually autistic#meta
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ever onwards
FFXIV Write Day 12 – Make-up for Day 07 Speculate
Summary: G’raha Tia likes to gather facts first, but sometimes he still is surprised by the outcome.
Author’s note: I try to write ambiguous WoL but I always forget to take height into account. Deepest apologies to my lala friends; everyone else is more easily fudged. Also please forgive any mistakes; I wrote the whole thing in third person and found I just…really didn’t like it. I know second person isn’t for everyone, especially when used while shadowing another character’s perspective, but I just liked it better. And this is as edited as it is going to get.
Warnings: G’raha Tia/WoL, Shadowbringers spoilers, Crystal Tower questline, mostly unspecified/ambiguous WoL, romantic sap, fluff, 2nd person
Words: 2,692
---
G’raha Tia knew this expedition to explore the Crystal Tower would be the opportunity of a lifetime, but he had no way to know just how much it would change his life. The ruins, the relics, even the enemies left to guard the tower do more to serve his research than any tome he has ever found. It’s fantastic and more than he had ever dreamed it would be.
And part of what makes it all so much more is the presence of the Warrior of Light. It is thanks to you he can even access the tower, but more than that you are one of the few friends he has been able to make in his life. And…well, at first G’raha couldn’t help but start flirting. You are so much more wonderful and human than any story has ever made you out to be, and he can’t imagine anyone spending time in your presence and not becoming irrevocably in love with you. He had resolved to stop immediately should you make your discomfort known, but then…
Then you had started flirting back. And now G’raha doesn’t know what to do. Now that he has thought about it (a bit obsessively, perhaps,) he cannot help but marvel at his own foolish bravery to even try, and he wonders how in the world the Warrior of Light does not yet have a suitor. You have nearly all of Eorzea singing your praises, have even wrested the respect of your enemies, and hobnob with some of the most prestigious personages in the world. So how can it be you will not only laugh at G’raha’s jokes, but sometimes smile so abashedly when he himself praises you?
It is entirely possible you have no one special in your life– and given your favorable response to G’raha’s affections, it is not outside the realm of possibility that you might be interested in him as he is in you. While it may seem too good to be true, G’raha won’t relinquish such an opportunity if there is one…and the wondering thereof is starting to affect his work. If he is ever going to focus on anything other than your love life ever again, he must needs find out for certain.
So he shall end his speculation by collecting data. And today is perfect– everyone on site has the day off and you have told him you intend to spend the day not doing any work. ‘Tis a veritable miracle if he ever heard of one– even Cid had looked shocked. And so when you set off…G’raha sets off after you.
G’raha is not a bad hunter, and so he puts that expertise to use as he follows you around. You hadn't noticed him in the Shroud that first time and his tracking skills remain a point of pride now as he follows you to and around Gridania. You do some shopping– and he can’t help but stifle laughter as you get roped into helping out a stressed merchant, a distressed mother, and a pained courier, in that order.
But you do take the time to buy some things– some supplies for crafting you had mentioned wanting, a snack that makes G’raha’s stomach grumble in jealousy– and then you just walk slowly and take in the city, trading hellos with some few that feel comfortable enough to greet you. But through it all you remain alone, and when you pause to sit on a bench G’raha would say you actually look a bit…lonely.
‘Tis food for thought, for certain. Do you have a paramour who simply couldn’t spare the time today? But you are attuned to nearly every aetheryte in the realm; surely if you wanted to spend time with a beloved it would be no hard feat to manage? In fact, surely anyone lucky enough to have you would travel the world to be with you wherever you want them?
You dust yourself off and leave out of the east gate into the Shroud proper, and G’raha follows from a safe distance. You walk leisurely and G’raha can admit to himself the forest is nice, with the faint sounds of birds and a gentle breeze blowing leaves to and fro. He wonders what it would be like, to walk at your side…perhaps hand in hand…perhaps with his tail curling up your forearm…
There are a couple of times you seem to know you’re being followed and you turn to glance in his direction, but even while daydreaming utter nonsense G’raha is ready for such an event and makes certain you see naught but nature itself. Whether or not you feel a presence, you don’t seem terribly bothered, and he follows you all the way down to the South Shroud.
You cleave a little close to Toto-Rak for comfort, but it is a slight shortcut and nothing comes out to bother you before you’re back on the path to Quarrymill. You stop to talk to someone in the small hamlet and G’raha errs on the side of staying out of the way, so he cannot hear what is said, but he can clearly see when you leave out the other gate, which only leads to…
Urth’s Gift. So much for not working today. G’raha cannot help the way his tail twitches in annoyance as he follows behind you. You’re supposed to be resting and Urth’s Gift is dangerous. Yes, you are clearly capable and he has seen you in action in that very area before, but he can’t help but worry at how relaxed you seem about the whole business. Thankfully he had the foresight to bring his bow, and he follows a little more closely, until he gets the benefits of trees and rock faces to clamber and climb for better sight lines.
He doesn’t realize his mistake until you reach the edge of the water, stop, and fold your arms across your chest.
“Don’t worry; I’m not going to make you race me to Ixali territory,” you say with a raised voice and tilt your head to glance back in his direction. “I just fought Garuda again and I’m not keen to incite another summoning so soon.”
He drops down from his branch and assumes his face must be as red as his hair. “How long have you known?”
“I caught a glimpse of you in Gridania and couldn’t help myself,” you say and walk up to him with a friendly smile. “You know, if you wanted to come with me you could have just accepted the offer when I made it.”
“I ah…didn’t want to impose,” he says weakly and puts his bow on his back again. He would be content to run back to Mor Dhona with his tail between his legs right now, but you reach out and grab his hand and he has not the strength to deny your touch. Sweet Azeyma, how deep is he in already?
“If I invite you it’s not imposing,” you say. “I like your company G’raha.”
He looks at you. “Truly?” It comes out so desperate he coughs into his hand and tries to cover it up. “I simply thought– perhaps your time would be better spent with someone you like more than any other.”
“And who do you think that might that be?” you ask him.
“I…don’t know,” he says. Gods; how rude would it be to rip back his hand and run away? And yet this is too much like the tepid fantasies he had just indulged in. Granted the wild hogs and darker shade aren’t quite as lightly atmospheric as just outside the city, but he is still holding your hand in the forest. It must count. “I simply assumed you…must have someone.”
You step forward and you are so close G’raha’s very breath stutters. “No one has ever said anything to me,” you say and you lick your lips and now he’s staring at your lips by the Twelve why. “But I do have someone I like more than any other. And I suspect he likes me too, though I cannot be certain.”
G’raha’s heart sinks. “Oh,” he says and bites back a sigh. “Well if- if it makes you feel any better, there is no one that could receive your affections and not return them. And if this person does not then they are a fool.”
He cannot help how emphatic he becomes, but the idea that you could fall for someone and that person would squander such a precious–
You put your hands on either side of his face and lean in to kiss him. He can do naught but stare, wide-eyed for several seconds, though thankfully the kiss is chaste enough that his delayed clumsy movements can count for a returned gesture before you pull back, an enigmatic smile upon your lips before you ask him, “Are you a fool, G’raha Tia?”
He puts his hands over yours and, again, it takes his brain several long seconds to comprehend what just happened. “I…” He licks his lips. He wants to taste you, feel you, in ways he could have only imagined before. A world, a future is opening up before him, and he wants to see where it leads. “I may be a fool, but not such a deplorable one.”
You roll your eyes but there’s a faint embarrassed smile trying to hide in your face. “It’s not deplorable to not want me, G’raha.”
“We must agree to disagree.” Something snaps and he whips his head around, but there is nothing to be seen, no hogs in the wind, and he relaxes with a sigh. He winks at you. “I must say though, your choice of locale for such a stirring confession is a bit…odd.”
You chuckle and put your hands on his shoulders. “We first met here, so technically it’s where we first started our working relationship,” you say. “I thought it would be nice symmetry if we started our new relationship here too.”
He finds the suggestion…strangely appealing. Perhaps he is odd too, then. To be as odd as his Warrior of Light– well, there are much worst things in the world to be. He puts his hands on your sides and walks forward, guiding you along, until your back meets a rocky wall and he pushes in for a deeper kiss to sate his newfound hunger. Or perhaps it is a thirst he knows he will never quench. It matters not– you are more precious than water in an oasis, and he intends to savor every drop.
---
Decades later and a world away…
G’raha doesn’t know what he’s in for with your invitation to meet him out by the main gate, but he goes with a sense of curiosity and naught else. The night is cool, with a light breeze that blows pleasantly against his face as he walks. He nods in response to those that greet him as he passes by, but, curiously, there is no one present when he arrives outside the Crystarium– no one but you, and you walk up to him with a smile that reaches his heart. It’s embarrassing how quickly you can reduce him to an adolescent miqo’te with his first crush.
He clears his throat and tries to focus on something else. “Where is the guard?”
“Shift change.” You pull him close by his robes. “We have one minute and thirty-seven seconds at most.”
“To do what?” G’raha asks, laughing.
You answer him with a kiss. A deep kiss, dizzying, more than welcome, and G’raha returns it with all the hunger he has felt for far too long, tasting, touching, feeling you in a way that is so intensely personal and warm and wonderful and familiar in a way that makes him realize how much he has ached without your touch. It is, alas, too short, but you both pant in the wake of it.
“Oh…” G’raha gently touches your cheek and his soul sings as you lean into his hand. He licks his lips. He wants more, but the way you shift your eyes towards the gate makes him conscientious of the privacy you’ll soon lack. “I wasn’t sure if…”
“I’m sorry it took so long to arrange,” you say and take his hand to start leading him up the path back to the city. He will follow you wherever, if only you keep your hand in his to guide him. “I knew you probably didn’t want to do that in front of the guards, so I had to watch them to see when we would have a chance.”
But why do it out in the open at all? Why that road? G’raha doesn’t want to ask a question he should perhaps already know the answer to, but curiosity burns at him until he stops and grips your hand to keep you from slipping away. You turn back to look at him and he clears his throat nervously. “Pray forgive me but…why that particular spot?”
Thankfully you don’t seem offended by his question. Instead you grow a wide smile– nay, a full grin. “Do you remember…it’s been a long time, but do you remember the first time we ever kissed?”
“In the Shroud?” he asks. As though he could have ever forgotten; it was only ninety percent of the daydreams he’d had to soothe his mind and soul when the weight of his duty had nearly gotten to be too much. How you tasted, how you felt, how he had felt towards you– it had never failed to stir his heart and renew his commitment to his course to save you at any cost.
“You had followed me around all morning so I led you back to the Shroud, back to where we first met.” You step closer to him and his arms slide around you in automatic response. “At the time I wasn’t completely sure if you liked me like that, but I took a chance and it seemed appropriate to have our first kiss where we first met.”
Slowly, G’raha starts to understand. “Where we first…met. I see.” He cannot help his smile even though it feels so wide as to be ridiculous, and he pulls his hood over his eyes to try and hide how red his face must be for how warm it feels. But he covers the act with, “Perhaps this would have been more appropriate then?”
You laugh and G’raha thinks it shouldn’t be possible to be this happy, after so many decades of pain and fear and loss and longing, but he surges forward to kiss you again and you return the act in full.
“Mm, well,” you drawl sarcastically and gently run your thumb over his bottom lip. “I admit I did spend many a night wondering why on earth I couldn’t stop fantasizing about the Crystal Exarch’s mouth.”
“Oh?” His lips curl of their own accord as he thinks about it– because you would have a crisis about wanting to kiss a man you thought you didn’t know. The idea of you lusting after him though serves to boost his confidence and he pulls you to his body suddenly, tightly. “And what about G’raha Tia’s mouth?”
Your eyes soften. “Ridiculous man,” you say and kiss him again. “You still are, have always been, my G’raha, even when I didn’t know it. But I do now, and if you’ll have me I promise I love you just as much as I did then.”
“I’m not the same as I was,” G’raha says but leans in to nuzzle you.
“Neither am I. So…” You gesture at the gate. “Here’s to new beginnings?”
G’raha smiles. Perhaps he does not deserve to be so happy when his plans went so awry and only worked out due to your sheer stubbornness, but he has never thought himself so austere as to deny himself what he wants when it seems to want him just as much. So he leans in, takes your lips in his, and kisses you tenderly, savoring every second he can, before he pulls back just slightly and whispers, “To new beginnings.”
#ffxivwrite2021#ffxivwrite#ffxivwrite prompt 7: speculate#ffxiv fanfic#warrior of light#g'raha tia#wol x g’raha tia#wolexarch#wolgraha#romance#fluff
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hi! uh... first of all, i just want to say: if i wrote something wrong, i'm sorry :( im not fluent in english, and i'm using the translator in some sentences, so it can be a little messy. again, sorry for my bad english :[
so, i actually identify myself with the label "dollgender", but i dont think i cant use xenogender labels because i'm not neurodivergent (at least i think) and i dont want to offend neurodivergent people :( soo, can i identify with xenogenders even if i'm not neurodivergent?
and, my gender is fluid (something like roseboy and demigirl), but i really identify myself with "dollgender", so i can use this label even if i'm genderfluid?
Yes absolutely you can use xenogender and dollgender! Xenogenders aren't specific to neurodivergent people. Everyone can use them. It's just that it's more often used by ND people.
Almost every gender can be combined too if that's what works for you! You can even combine ones that seem like they are opposites or don't work if it feels right to you!
-Hermy
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doubt, and the opposite of doubt
Ah yes, the problem with deciding "I'm going to write again!" is then you actually have to have things to write about😓
(This is a joke -- to tell the truth I have lots of things I want to write about, but they're more scattered thoughts at this point than fully-formed essays.)
I guess the only way to make myself keep writing is just to do it, huh?
... *stares at journal* ...
It really sucks to have so much doubt. I feel like doubt is so baked in to being AFAB -- being ND -- being human? I don't know. When I'm having a really good gender high, I feel really confident. Like CONFIDENT IN ALL CAPS more confident than I've ever felt in my life. And I wonder, is this what cis men feel like all the time? Just like, overflowing with boundless confidence? Is that why we let them get away with everything -- literally just because they seem so certain of what they're doing? So we allow them to make endless mistakes, while everyone else (minorities, neurodivergents / the disabled, people of any gender other than cis male) are scrutinized within an inch of their lives? Wild. What a bonkers world we live in.
I just wrote a whole paragraph and then erased it, sigh. Maybe that's for another day.
I rewatched But I'm a Cheerleader a couple of weeks ago, and obviously on the surface it's a comedy about how useless it is to try to "cure" people of being gay/queer. But being queer goes hand-in-hand with how you feel about your gender, doesn't it? All the tasks they make the teenagers do are about the gender binary and putting the kids back in their "right place" to fulfill the "gender job" they were assigned at birth.
I wish there were more films like that. Lighthearted movies that really dumb down the way people think about gender and say "hey, see how silly and pointless this is? Maybe we should stop doing it!" Rather than, you know, dozens of movies that are just tragedy porn about how sad it is to be trans. (Looking at you, The Danish Girl.)
I'm going to try really hard to actually write about things that make me happy, and not just endless entries about gender feels. I swear, I am. It... just might take me a while to get all of it out of my system, because I never participated in all of the Gender Discourse on Tumblr. (I didn't even know it was happening, honestly, I was too busy reblogging Sherlock content all the time lmao.)
Anyway my head hurts (a muscle tension headache, not from thinking about all of this lol) so I'll stop there for now.
(cross-posted from Dreamwidth)
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Translated interview (with omissions)
The female gaze: An interview with Céline Sciamma
Michael Ranze, filmdienst.de, 2nd of November 2019
// Additions or clarifications for translating purposes are denoted as [T: …]. A couple of omissions in the first interview, but I provided links to existing articles with more information. I’ve also added extracts from two more interviews with Céline below. Aaaaand... I believe this is it for German Portrait interviews! 😅 //
A conversation with the French director about ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’.
The French director Céline Sciamma already garnered international attention with her debut film ‘Water Lilies’. She is now a regular at the big film festivals. Her recent film ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’ is a multi-layered love story between a female painter and a young noble woman, whom she has to paint.
Interviewer: Your first three films ‘Water Lilies’ (2007), ‘Tomboy’ (2011) and ‘Girlhood' (2014) are about the coming-of-age of female characters, about their search for identity, including sexual identity. Where does this great interest in the world view of young women come from?
Céline Sciamma: I was lucky enough to make films as a young woman and to talk about things that I know about and understand. That’s why my first three films were closely connected to the childhood and youth of the heroines, and their female identity. I’m also pursuing the same theme in my new film ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’, this time with grown women. In the other films there was always the desire for love, which is also self-discovery. Love is fully lived out this time – this creates some kind of dialogue. I am 40 years old – I now have to talk about these things. (laughs) [T: Also see here, here, here or here about her previous films]
I: But there’s also the theme of female solidarity, especially in ‘Girlhood’…
CS: Yes, indeed. The more my work develops, the more it deals with the theme of friendship, sorority, but also the ability to enjoy life to the fullest. This also includes solidarity, these small islands that women can establish together. My films open up the space for this idea, this is much more radical in ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’ than in my previous films.
I: But you also wrote the screenplay for André Téchiné’s film ‘Being 17’, where the two main characters are adolescent boys.
CS: That’s the same kind of work for me. It’s about creating characters without objectifying them, and to find access to their experiences. The female gaze is not only about filming women. It’s also about being aware about the images and representations. You have to pay a lot of attention, when you are inventing or composing something. Otherwise it becomes conventional, or you create characters that are empty. That applies to men and women. The male gaze is damaging for male representation in my opinion. I thought that it would be interesting for me to do it differently.
I: How did you work together with André Téchiné on the screenplay?
CS: This was the only time in my career as scriptwriter that I worked on the script with someone else. I admire Téchiné’s work. My first cinephile emotions are linked to his films. It was therefore a lot of fun to enter his matrix and get access to his thinking, on the one hand to participate, and on the other hand to support his goals. The fact that he wanted to do a film about youth motivated me to make him a young film director. [T: Also see here about her work on ‘Being 17′]
I: He is now 76 years old.
CS: Yes, exactly. He was 73, when we worked together. But it never felt like there was a huge age hierarchy between us. I admire him very much, he really fuelled my ambitions, we have a very intense relationship.
I: What do you like more: writing scripts or directing films?
CS: This has changed. I always liked the balance between the two, also the fact that I didn’t always have to follow my own wishes, but could immerse myself in another logic and worlds, and distract myself. But over the years I realised that I don’t want to lose any more time. It’s of course not a waste of time to work for others. But you sometimes have to put up with long project delays. For the first time in a long time I don’t have any screenplay assignments, and I like this feeling. But you never know what may happen. I was really blessed with some projects. For ‘My Life as a Courgette’, it just gave me joy to write a film for children. If something like that comes along again, I would do it immediately. [T: Also see here about her work on ‘My Life as a Courgette’]
[T: Omitted Q&A about the reasons why she did a period film, but see here, here or here]
I: What are the challenges when you recreate a period, which was so long ago?
CS: You have to do a lot of research, especially about the situation of female artists. You really have to dig deep, because no one wrote a thick book on it. The other challenge was the collaboration with others. That is the beauty of cinema. The costume designer does research about that period, so does the set designer. This is my third collaboration with Thomas Grézaud (he also worked with Sciamma on ‘Girlhood’ and ‘Tomboy’, editor’s note). He always suggests something, which is then incorporated into the film. When it is about historic films, then accuracy is very important. But sometimes it’s also interesting to consider what is not in the picture. For example, there is not much furniture. We built the few pieces ourselves, out of wood and with cotton. It was more about believing in cinema, in action, in clear lines.
I: So you work closely with the costume and set designer?
CS: Yes, there is a close coordination. I wanted some kind of uniform for the characters, for example. We then looked at various costumes. They were not supposed to be out of silk but rather heavy fabrics, which restrain the actresses, force them into their roles and at the same time describe the sociology of their characters. I also wanted pockets for the costume of the female painter, even though others told me it would be anachronistic or too modern. Fact is that pockets existed back then and that they vanished in the 19th century. The ‘femme bourgeoise’ [T: middle-class woman] was invented, and fashion went backwards. I liked the idea of this silhouette, which was even accurate. That is our job: We try to give a presence to these women from back then.
[T: Omitted Q&A about how the actresses were recruited, it mentions the circulation of gazes between the three, the physical and psychological contrast between Adèle and Noémie, Céline describes them both as strong, intense, determined and courageous actresses, she also wanted to create an iconic and fresh couple; see here or here]
I: You spoke about the ‘circulation of gazes’. Between the actresses there are short and long gazes, shy and curious ones. How did you conceptualise this ‘ballet of gazes’?
CS: That was already in the script, especially the rhythm of the gazes, when they look at each other. The actresses were very much aware about that. It’s not about dictating what they have to do. But it’s rather a way to start the conversation, to show their connection or communicate their intentions. They have to ‘dance’. I call it a collection of gazes. As you already said: We have this gaze, we have that gaze. It changes with every scene. And it shows how good the actresses are. If it’s in the script, then the actresses are very, very good [T: this was weirdly worded]. Otherwise they might suggest something that doesn’t fit. You have to see straight away that they desire each other. And it’s brilliant how they do it.
I: I liked the beginning of the film, when Marianne jumps out of the boat to retrieve her large case. A woman isn’t supposed to do that, so it shows that Marianne is different than others…
CS: And the film also shows that: She is not a woman who follows the rules. She jumps into the water to get her things. The important thing is: The film also jumps into the water. The camera also dives in, we swim with her. That’s two pieces of information: This character will be an active one, and the film will join this jump. [T: Also see here]
I: There are only women on the island…
CS: No – we just don’t show the men.
I: The island seems like a refuge or even a utopia.
CS: Yes – that’s true. In cinema, it is about what you decide to show in the picture. I didn’t want to show men, because then it would have been about the pressure and dominance that existed back then and still does. We now look at what is possible, at the potential of the women. You can also call it utopia, but these are not imaginary futuristic dreams, it is based on life experiences, maybe on a higher level, if it was more based on reciprocity. And political utopia – there has to be a place, where the economy doesn’t determine everything, where there is no sexism or racism. These places exist, in families, communities, maybe in a city. This culture has to grow. This utopia arises from experiences that we make and transform to ideas.
[T: Omitted Q&A about the cinematography of Portrait, but see here or here]
—
Interview with director Céline Sciamma (extracts)
Sportello745, moviebreak.de, 9th of October 2019
[…] Interviewer: In your debut film ‘Water Lilies’ you contrast the uncontainable, awakening hormones of the main character with a perfectly synchronised swimming team. In which way does the landscape characterise the emotions in your new film?
Céline Sciamma: In Water Lilies, it was about what’s on the surface and what’s hidden below. I guess, even with synchronised swimming it’s less about control but more about what you don’t see and the effort you have to make underneath. I don’t think I rely on symbolism too much, I get often asked about the meaning of, for example, colours. That’s not really how I think, I try to embody certain things and be less metaphoric. But maybe in this film the tension is between love and art and beauty. The landscape does fit into this tension very much. [T: Also see here or here for Water Lilies]
I: Did the paintings that you researched have any influence on the language of the film, and if yes, which paintings in particular?
CS: Yes, they did. It was especially the self portraits of female painters, because these pictures were quite different from what you would expect. There was a specific painting, which was actually not from the 18th century but from the 17th century, it was from a woman called Judith Leyster, a [T: Dutch; also see here]. Her work was misattributed to her husband. In the picture, you can see her painting, she smiles, you can see her teeth. I have never seen something like that. It helped me to be courageous, which means it made us invent something new and not be scared of being unconventional. That is exactly the kind of female contribution to art history: When Virginia Woolf writes, she reinvents literature, she revolutionises it [T: also see here or here]. When Chantal Akerman films ‘Jeanne Dielman’, it is a revolution for cinema [T: also see here, here or here]. The voices of women are not only limited to ‘Hey, we have a little story to tell’, but it is always about reinventing art. It is about creating something new instead of the same old. […]
I: When did Marianne paint the eponymous ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’ in your opinion, shortly after her encounter on the island or many years later?
CS: I think, she painted it a couple of years later. That is her memory. When I commissioned the painting, I originally wanted to have 20 frames, maybe even that Marianne’s whole work is based on this moment. A kind of ‘usual suspects’ situation, where everyone reappears. But this moment [T: at the bonfire] is definitely the matrix for what she will do next, and I think, [T: the painting] was made years later […].
I: At the end of the film the love story between the two is ‘concluded’. On the one hand, the ending is bittersweet, because the love has been immortalised in a painting. On the other hand, it is also quite sad, we see Héloïse crying. It felt as if this great piece of art, which tells the story of the two women, can never be exchanged for the love that was lost. What do you think?
CS: We tried to spark a dynamic where the end of the love story doesn’t mean that they spend eternity together or die. It was about getting rid of the sentiment that the victory of love is mutual possession. Their love for each other made them curious about love itself and art. For me, the last scene addresses how art deeply affects us and how love makes us more emotional towards beauty. […] At the end, Héloïse feels the music she would never have felt if she had not loved. Love as curation for being curious about the future, about art, about beauty. That for me is a positive dynamic, even though it is heartbreaking, which was on purpose. At the end, both women are more open, and that is the dynamic of emancipation, which I love. And it is positive to talk about it.
—
Sciamma: ‘I want to show images of daily life that are missing’ (extracts)
Patricia Batlle, NDR.de, 29th of October 2019
Interviewer: You had a very lively screening of your film ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’. There were standing ovations from the audience, and there was an animated conversation with you and the lead actresses Adèle Haenel and Noémie Merlant. Were you surprised to be so warmly welcomed in Northern Germany?
Céline Sciamma: It’s funny because you are sometimes cautioned that other countries have a less welcoming culture, but not to take it personally. So you prepare for different types of audiences. But then the reception in Hamburg was really, really warm. It doesn’t surprise me, because I believe that film is a nation, that film culture is unique and unites the viewers [T: PORTRAIT NATION FTW]. A cinema is sometimes like a country. I travel around a lot with the film and I feel the warmth, this fire in the cinema across countries. […]
I: You address topics like menstruation and abortion that are rarely shown in cinema – especially not in love films.
CS: Yes, why is that? That is crazy! This clearly is part of the pleasure of the film, part of its political intention. To show images that are missing, although these are images of daily life. Our story should put our audience on an emotional rollercoaster, where the images have an unusual relationship with the story and are surprising. That is the power of new images.
I: Four women play an important role in your film, men are on the sideline. The names of the women stand out all the more. The self-confident painter is called Marianne. The name is synonymous for the Republic of France – was this on purpose?
CS: I have to admit: I didn’t think about that. I didn’t think about the Marianne of the Republic, when I wrote the script. The names of all my characters are related. In my debut film ‘Water Lilies’ my main character was called Marie, in ‘Girlhood’ she was called Marieme, and here she is called Marianne. It’s like a thread that runs from film to film. But it’s true: It is France! I like the fact that you noticed this. (laughs) […]
—
Articles:
https://www.filmdienst.de/artikel/38732/interview-celine-sciamma-zu-portrat-einer-jungen-frau-in-flammen
https://www.moviebreak.de/features/interview-mit-regisseurin-celine-sciamma/item?item=2
https://www.ndr.de/kultur/film/Sciamma-ueber-Portraet-einer-jungen-Frau-in-Flammen,frauinflammen106.html
Picture sources: [1], [2]
#Filmdienst.de#moviebreak.de#NDR.de#Céline Sciamma#Portrait of a Lady on Fire#October-November 2019#German interview#These were the remaining Portrait interviews#in German#That's that#Time well spent#My translation#long post
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I already wrote this post, but I’m coming backk up to the top to put a cut bc it’s p long.
my brother is singing falsettos out loud & I’ve already had a stressful day bc I’ve done nothing (lack of structure & lack of productivity gives me really bad anxiety) & he’s either singing out of key & out of time, or it just sounds really bad without the music. He’s the only one who can hear the music bc HeadPhones. & also the falsettos is probably really bad for my mom bc she’s mad that dad left her, esp bc the house is a mess & stressing her out & she needs to go grocery shopping & he used to do that “but now he doesn’t because he stopped loving [her]”, so my bro singing fucking falsettos is really bad. I can’t cook supper bc I don’t have a recipe & the stuff is still frozen & idk what kind of dough I should make & besides the kitchen is a mess & he won’t fucking clean it. I mean it’s also partially my fault bc I’m a lazy adhd mofo, but it’s his job today & my job to cook. I need to get into the kitchen & cook before mom & my OTHER brother get home from shopping but I can’t bc he’s just drawing & singing & the singing is so annoying- I was trying to listen to a thing but I couldn’t fricking hear it bc adhd auditory processing disorders, it didn’t have fucking subtitles or anything & it was not great audio quality & I couldn’t differentiate between the words he was singing, & I couldn’t hear the quiet parts when they overlapped with his singing. I wasn’t going to write all of this I was just going to say that his singing makes me want to cut myself, but apparently there’s a lot more to it. also I don’t want to end up cooking while mom is home bc I don’t have any drawings on my arm & mom is fucking nosy & wants to see my scars so I have to work extra hard at hiding them but even with ppl who arent nosy, like my little bro I don’t like them out, but the longer my older bro sits there fucking yelling out of key, the longer I’m delayed & I won’t be able to cook. By this point, I won’t even be able to cook the meal I was planning on, I have so much shit to do I’ve missed so much & I’m so behind, but I’m so incapable of doing anything like i can’t do chores bc I use the excuse I have homework but I never fucking do my homework so I’m also behind in school & even with the stuff I like like dnd & writing & violin I can’t do, & I skipped online kung fu & I’ve been slacking off under so many excuses but I’m just being lazy & anxious & I also gained so much weight & it makes my body feel so bad & i know this isn’t my body’s happy weight & being fat makes my boobs bigger & I’m fucking trans & I hate them I even tried cutting them off myself & ended up waiting 15 hours to go to the hospital so that I wouldn’t make mom suspicious (& they put me through triage really fast bc apparently I did a lot of dammage- I was planning on giving myself stitches, but my icepack melted & I couldn’t numb my body anymore so they’re lucky I even went to the hospital, it was bad bc I had to walk 20 minutes either way weighted down with a fucking toolbox & I waited outside in the cold bc my phone died & thus:) mom found out anyways so I lied to her about going to buy drugs bc obv /that’s/ a better idea than telling her I went to the hospital & SHUT UP UNNAMED OLDER BROTHER ok he’s between songs now. If I told mom I went to the hospital she would ask why & be like “y didn’t u tell me” & “r u cutting urself again” & like yeah bitch I have been for a while ik the social worker said I should tell you a codeword, but I don’t do that bc u blame yourself or cry or want to talk about & I yes I fucking cut myself what of it? Yeah I tried fucking removing my own left breast, bc u arent’ supportive of medical transitioning, at least not when they’re ur kids. Ur mad at dad bc he got a tattoo bc it’s body modification & thus uncatholic, but u’ll support ur catholic university friends gettin gtheir eldest daughter a reduction bc her boobs are big & painful- bitch what’s so different about me? I went so far as to try giving myself a reduction, you say you’re concerned about me mutilating my body & making bad decisions, but, you know what? because of this I have legitimately mutilated my body, & made a dangerous & bad decision. isn’t autosurgery proof that I need top surgery bc it’s a danger to my life if I don’t get it? The government is able to pay for it I think & bc it’s a danger to my health (& i get pain & I can’t work out & I get back pain & my skin pulls & hurts & if I jump my tissues yank my skin & it hurts & it puts so much strain on my back, & binding gives me pain, so I need a reduction as much as your catholic university friends’ daughter does) I should be abe to qualify. Even if I don’t qualify yet & have to wait two years, at least that would be the start of two years now instead of in a long time, I mean, mum, you say you want me to talk about it & you’re afraid I’m rushing into it? guess what? They are too! the healthcare system will make me do a bunch of shit to qualify, & tbh, I think that they are better qualified to talk to me about surgery & what I really want than you. Fucking finally, I hope my brother is done his play & finally shuts up. TA MA DE FUCK NO HE’S STARTING AGAIN CROWS DAMN IT CROWS CROWS CROWS & MAGGOTS I”m not even gonna be able to make anythiung for supper & i have no ideas besides the long one which I don’t have time for anymore. fine. whatever. I’ll go SH in my room. I won’t even work on fanfic bc I’m too fucking adhd & broken. I fucking hate it when ppl say “we;re all a bit adhd” like no bitch shut the fuck up, we all struggle with the things adhd ppl struggle with sometimes, but adhd is a neurological condition that makes those struggles so commonplace & intense that it affects our everyday lives. & no. adhd does not mean we’re more creative. Even if we do have more likeliihood of coming up with funky ideas, most of us struggle to articulate them or understand them, or we forget them as soon as they come. you’re not adhd bc you’re a little more creative, youre just an ableist asshole & fuck you. adhd isn’t creativity its’ a fucking disability. I’m directing this at those fucking parents who have the lovely nd daughter who gave me a hug, but you two are motherfuckers. Yeah I get thaat adhd, once you learn how to mannage it, can be useful, & I understand that part of the reason this disability is so hard is bc society isn’t designed for it (like a lefty using right hand scissors), but ot’s still fuxking REAL & if you can’t deal with it yet, it 100% is a disanbility. OK? Ok. I had smth I was going to say earlier, but I got distracted by smth else that made me mad, so I never got around to it. Youo know what I love? I fucking love how tumblr has next to no character limit so I can just type as much as I want. You know what I don’t like? I’ll probably get deactivated by some SJW maggot-eaten crow-fucker who thinks that my rant& mentioning my failed ed & my self harm (oh fuck shut up, my brother is chanting “dumb”) so anyways some fucking sjw fuck-hole will report this post & my blog & I’ll be deactivated for simply getting angry on tumblr. It’s fucking tumblr! You used to be able to say whatever you needed to say! But now, esp us ppl w EDs, have no safe place to talk about our issues (at least, not w/o fear of gettin gterminated for “encouraging” EDs, when we’re just trying to help ourselves). Anywasy, sorry for all the swears & go se, I swear when I’m mad. I’m gonna go do smth, idk what. Can’t be anything productive, Can’t even be unproductive stuff I like, like watching youtubem, or smth cathartic like playing fiddle. I might just go & bleed a bit & ignore everything for a while. I nkow that the world will still be stressful when I get back, & I’ll still have to cook, & I’ll still be behind in school, & mom will still be broken-hearted over dad, but I’m feeling calmer just thinking about it so that’s what I’ll do.
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I apologize. I also don’t think we’re on the right page. I’m not angry at all. I never was angry, I was never anxiously upset at anything you wrote. For the first 10 smth years of its run in the manga and anime the noah were strictly grey. a sickly, pale grey. which made it pretty easy for me to go “well they’re not even human.” I didn’t think “grey/dark” makes them inhumane. I never thought that their skin color/tone is what makes them inhumane. I thought of them as non-human entities, and that they happened to be grey. They’re the villains first, who happened to be grey. The same would be said if they were green or blue. It wasn’t until the past five years that people began to humanize the Noah, and change their skin color to an actual dark skin tone that matched actual alive poc in anime/cartoons. It’s just as you said. And there is a real reason for why that happened. There’s a real reason why they grey in the first place. And I’m sure we all know why given this piece of media and it’s euphemisms. Do I need to re-examine my own previous thoughts and biases? Yes. Will I be doing that? Yes. In regards to my previous comment, I said that only to clear up the matter. I’m not trying to brownie woke points, and it seemed like my previous comment was misinterpreted as me speaking over you. I apologize if my words came off like that, and I also know that no matter what I say it will also be viewed as backhanded (bc no matter how neutral I try to be it seems to backfire). If my wording was wrong it was because I was trying to use your terms when explaining myself, which isn’t okay because I cannot use your words to frame my point of view and feelings. I’m sorry that I didn’t have the vocab to better clearly explain myself. I apologize, and I hope that in the future my intent comes through more clearly because I know that it won’t always be perceived the way I mean for it to be. I still agree with your every point, and I hold everyone on the creative team of dgm accountable for letting that colorization of the noah happen given the context of the material. I hold myself accountable for not being as critical of it in the first place. That’s on me. My poor word choice? That’s on me as well. I take responsibility for what I said and how it’s wrong. Also I only put off posting/writing this because I have other responsibilities in my day, and this apology became so long (I didn’t know how you’d take the length of it).
not to be rude bc im glad u apologized nd owned up to being wrong but there’s literally no reason for your apology to be this damn long 😭😭😭😭😭😭 like a lot of this did not need to be said to me bc ure just rehashing your earlier excuses just say u have unchecked biases nd move on. im saying this in good faith but dont ever send anything this long to me again
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A3! Anniversary Event Translation - On the Trajectory to Full Bloom. [Winter] (4/4)
*Please read disclaimer on blog; default name set as Izumi
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<*SORRY, LONG DISCLAIMER* So I've decided to record their performance myself because the more I was working on it, the more I felt text alone just didn't do the event justice and the voice acting is SO FUNNY so it'd be nice if others could hear it too.
I was hesitant to do this since it's bending the rules, so if it's a huge problem just let me know. I will not do this again; this event is an exception due to how heavily it relies on the voice acting. That being said, please don't reupload or redistribute the video--if I see it being posted anywhere else, I can and will take it down.
Please just be respectful and discrete and just enjoy it, thanks~ watch it here~>
Izumi: It’s finally the real thing!
It looks like the other troupes are coming to watch too.
Tasuku: That’s because we didn’t tell anyone about our original story.
Tsumugi: We dodged it even when we were asked.
That’s why everyone’s curious about it, right?
Azuma: The content is the content, and I want to make everyone surprised and enjoy it too.
Izumi: (Tsuzuru and I were both surprised when they told us they’d write the script themselves but—.)
(If that’s the content, then I’m fine with it.
Fufu, everyone’s making a face like they’re mischievous kids…)
Guy: Tsukioka, there’s just 2 more minutes until showtime.
Tsumugi: Yes.
—Everyone, gather round.
It’s already our 2nd anniversary… before we came here, both as individuals and as the Winter troupe, we’ve stumbled and fallen, and we’ve made detours but…
Because there were those moments, the us of right now are here.
Tasuku: Yeah.
Homare: Umu.
Hisoka: …Yeah.
Azuma: That’s true.
Guy: Right.
Tsumugi: I’m sure from here on as well, we may be clumsy and stumble and fall, and we’ll take the long way around many times over.
But, no matter when, we’re not alone.
—Well, was that a bit too pretentious?
Guy: No, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Azuma: Fufu, we’re bound by a common destiny, is that right?
Homare: Umu.
In both sickness and in health—.
—Haa, a poem has sprung forth!
A blazing DESTINY, resonance’s AMBITIOUS…
Guy: There’s less than 10 seconds until showtime.
Hisoka: Time’s up.
Homare: What!?
Tsumugi: Fufu.
Winter troupe, let’s go!
Winter troupe: Ohh!
-pause-
Narration: “This story is fictional.
There is absolutely no connection to any real people or parties.”
“…Probably.”
Audience member A: Ahaha! What’s this—!
Audience member B: Is this really a Winter troupe play?
Izumi: (Alright, they’ve grabbed them perfectly with the narration!)
(The stage is MANKAI Theatre’s dressing room after the Winter troupe show’s dress rehearsal finished—)
-pause-
Tasuku: “Today’s dress rehearsal went alright, huh?”
Tsumugi: “It’d be great if we can perform like this for tomorrow’s opening day too.”
Guy: “That’s right.”
Hisoka: “I’m tired…Marshmallows…”
Homare: “Huh, sorry. I’ve run out.”
Azuma: “Come to think of it, Director said before that we received some snacks as a gift.”
Hisoka: “…I’ll go get some.”
Homare: “I will go too.”
Tsumugi: “I’m also a little hungry, so I guess I’ll go too.”
Izumi: (When the Winter troupe members are talking about their opening day tomorrow,
The other troupe’s members will come to cheer them on one after another.)
*knock, knock*
Azuma: “Come in.”
Tasuku: “It’s open.”
Sakuya? [Hisoka]: “Please excuse me! Good job on your dress rehearsal!”
Citron? [Homare]: “Good wooork.”
Itaru? [Tsumugi]: “GJ.”
-pause-
Sakuya: !?
Citron: Oh—, what a soup fries*.
Tsuzuru: It’s surprise.
-pause-
Azuma: “Ahh, so you came to watch.”
Sakuya? [Hisoka]: “Yes! It was really great!
I’m looking forward to the real show tomorrow!”
Citron? [Homare]: “Tomorrow will be a ghoul house**.”
Itaru? [Tsumugi]: “You actually mean a full house.”
Sakuya? [Hisoka]: “Good luck for tomorrow too!”
Guy: “Yeah, we’ll give it our all.”
-pause-
Itaru: Seriously?
Tsumugi is playing… me, right?
-pause-
Citron? [Homare]: “…”
Azuma: “What’s wrong, your highness?”
Citron? [Homare]: “I envy Guy. The truth is, I also want to appear in a graceful adult programme much like the Winter troupe’s.”
Tasuku: “!?”
Guy: “Citronia, just now that wasn’t in Zahran.
Is your language setting correct?”
Tasuku: “Or rather, you could speak such fluent Japanese?”
Izumi: (Citron-kun starts to speak fluent Japanese when the Spring troupe members aren’t around—.)
Citron? [Homare]: “Who do you think I am? It’s only natural.
I’m usually only talking like that as a character I’ve made.”
“The Spring troupe members are fussy about our character settings.”
Tasuku: “I-is that how it was…”
Guy: “I didn’t know that.”
Citron? [Homare]: “Anyways, I’m looking forward to your opening day tomorrow as well.
Please do your best.”
Tasuku: “Y-yeah.”
*leaves*
Azuma: “Fufu, so that was the real his Highness.”
Tasuku: “That guy, that reminds me, he’s royalty, huh…”
-pause-
Citron: Ohh, Homare, AMAZING!
-pause-
Tsumugi: “There were various refreshments, huh?”
Homare: “Umu, we won’t be troubled about snacks for the time being.”
Tsumugi: “Huh? Where are Tasuku and Azuma-san?”
Guy: “They went to buy some drinks. What about Mikage?”
Homare: “He found a large amount of marshmallows and stopped moving.”
Tsumugi: “I don’t think he’ll return for a while.”
*door opens*
Tsuzuru? [Tasuku]: “Great job.”
Chikage? [Azuma]: “Good work.”
Tsumugi: “Ah, welcome.”
Masumi? [Hisoka]: “…Where’s Director?”
Homare: “She was handing out refreshments in the aisle.”
Masumi? [Hisoka]: “Then I’m going there.”
Tsuzuru? [Tasuku]: “Oi, Masumi—”
*leaves*
Guy: “Just what did Usui come here to do?”
Tsuzuru? [Tasuku]: “He was supposed to come to encourage you though, more or less.”
Chikage? [Azuma]: “He’s a consistent Director devotee.”
Tsuzuru? [Tasuku]: “Good grief.”
Tsumugi: “How was watching the dress rehearsal as an audience member?
Tsuzuru? [Tasuku]: “The result is perfect. As the person who wrote the script, I’m glad.”
Chikage? [Azuma]: “Good luck for your opening day too.”
Tsumugi: “Thank you very much.”
*leaves*
Homare: “It can’t be helped about Hisoka-kun, and Tasuku-kun and Azuma-san both haven’t returned.”
Guy: “They said they were getting drinks for everyone,
So it might be taking more time than expected.”
Tsumugi: “Then, I’ll go see how it’s going.”
Homare: “I will accompany you as well.”
-pause-
Chikage: Heh, Azuma-san is me, huh?
Tsuzuru: I mean… this never crossed my mind.
Masumi: …I can also do that much.
If it’s for Director, then impressions are…
Tsuzuru: You don’t need to compete with them!
-pause-
Tenma? [Tasuku]: “We’re coming in.”
Muku? [Hisoka]: “Excuse me.”
Misumi? [Homare]: “I brought a triangle~! Triangle, triangle~!”
Yuki? [Azuma]: “Good job—.”
Kazunari? [Tsumugi]: “Yay~! We came to cheer the Winter troupe on, yo!”
Tenma? [Tasuku]: “Huh? It’s only Guy-san?”
Guy: “They’ve stepped out for a bit.
Even though you came all the way here, sorry about that.”
Muku? [Hisoka]: “No! Not at all! Rather, it’s me who has bad timing who’s at fault.”
“It’s because I’m a shriveled-up green onion or a dried-out carrot that’s been forgotten in the fridge…”
Yuki? [Azuma]: “No one said that though.”
Misumi? [Homare]: “Then, I’ll leave everyone’s share of triangles~!”
Kazunari? [Tsumugi]: “’Kay, make it lit for tomorrow’s opening day too~!”
Guy: “Yeah, I will tell everyone.”
Muku? [Hisoka]: “Alright then, please excuse us!”
*leaves*
Tenma? [Tasuku]: “…”
Guy: “Is something wrong?”
Tenma? [Tasuku]: “No, I was just thinking I envy how Winter troupe’s dressing room is so calm.”
Guy: “Well nobody is here right now.”
Tenma? [Tasuku]: “Summer troupe’s dressing room is noisy even when people aren’t there.
With their triangles, and triangles, and triangles.”
Guy: “…I see.”
Tenma? [Tasuku]: “I lose confidence sometimes. Is it ok for someone like me with a character that’s too dark to somehow be the Summer troupe leader?”
In the end, I’m an actor who just sells with his face and benefits from the influence of my parents…
I’m nothing but a radish, no, a shriveled-up carrot…”
Guy: “…Are you ok? For various reasons.”
*door opens*
Kazunari? [Tsumugi]: “Eh, Tenten, somethin’ wrong~?”
Yuki? [Azuma]: “What are you doing, useless actor.”
Tenma? [Tasuku]: “!!”
Misumi? [Homare]: “Tenma, you’re not feeling well~?”
Muku? [Hisoka]: “Are you depressed?”
Tenma? [Tasuku]: “Huh, WHO IS—! Who do you think I am?”
“I’m Sumeragi Tenma, a man who’s going to make my name known to the world one of these days.
There’s no way there will ever be a time I’m feeling down, alright!”
Yuki? [Azuma]: “…Oh really.”
Tenma? [Tasuku]: “AHEM! Then, please excuse me.”
Guy: “…That, well, don’t push yourself.”
-pause-
Muku: Tenma-kun, if perhaps there’s anything troubling you, talk to us, alright…!
Tenma: Don’t take that seriously!
Kumon: Azuma-san is Yuki, and Kazu-san is Tsumugi-san…???
Yuki: It’s too confusing.
Kazunari: Tsumu-tsumu, that’s sick~!
If you do that at a mixer, it’ll probs legit be so hype!
Misumi: Arisu, your impression of me is so good~!
Later, I’ll give you a Super Triangle-kun~!
-pause-
Homare: “Guy-san, won’t you lend me a bit of your strength?”
Guy: “Is something wrong?”
Homare: “It’s said we will hold a casual closing party with the refreshments as snacks.”
“I must carry the drinks, but regrettably there is a lot to carry so…”
“I could only bring over this much.”
Guy: “Understood. I will go get them.
It’s not good to leave these unattended. Arisugawa, please wait here.”
Homare: “I’ll leave it to you.”
*leaves*
*knock, knock*
Kumon? [Hisoka]: “Excuse me!”
Omi? [Guy]: “I’ve brought a gift.”
Juza? [Tasuku]: “Good job.”
Homare: “Ahh, sorry for going out of your way.”
Juza? [Tasuku]: “Homare-san’s alone?”
Homare: “Right now, we’re clattering around in preparation for the closing party.”
Omi? [Guy]: “In that case, it’s perfect. I’ve brought a quiche.”
Kumon? [Hisoka]: “A closing party’s great, huh! I wanna join too!”
Juza? [Tasuku]: “You’re not part of the Winter troupe, ya know?”
Homare: “Oh no, no, don’t mind that. Definitely, please join in.”
Kumon? [Hisoka]: “Woohoo—!”
Homare: “Everyone, you came to watch the dress rehearsal, is that right?”
Juza? [Tasuku]: “Yea. It was really amazin’.”
Omi? [Guy]: “As expected of Winter troupe’s acting fanatics.”
Juza? [Tasuku]: “I wanna practise more, ‘n become able to act that much too.”
Omi? [Guy]: “Autumn troupe needs help with action though.”
Juza? [Tasuku]: “Settsu’s good at that, right?”
Homare: “Oh my, it’s somehow rare that Juza-kun is praising Banri-kun, hm?”
Kumon? [Hisoka]: “Nii-chan’s always praisin’ Banri.”
Homare: “Is that so?”
Omi? [Guy]: “He can’t tell him face-to-face since it’s embarrassing, right?
Juza? [Tasuku]: “T-that ain’t really how it is.”
Izumi: (Some members also reveal their true opinions when their own troupe’s members aren’t around, and their hidden, unknown face comes into view…)
-pause-
Omi: So the reason I was always being watched by Guy-san was for this, huh?
Kumon: Hisoka-san is normally like that, but it’s really amazin’ when he appears on stage…
-pause-
Sakyo? [Guy]: “I’m comin’ in.”
Banri? [Tasuku]: “Nice work—.”
Taichi? [Tsumugi]: “Great job, guys!”
Homare: “Ahh, precisely just before this, Omi-kun and them came here.”
Sakyo? [Guy]: “Then we missed each other?”
Azami? [Azuma]: “Homare-san, your makeup sits badly.”
Homare: “Um huh? Really?”
Azami? [Azuma]: “Use this before you sleep tonight. First is this one, next is this one.
Facial packs are also essential. Also sleep without missing golden time.”
Homare: “Um, I got it.”
“That reminds me, just before, Juza-kun was praising Banri-kun.
He said his acting was good.”
Banri? [Tasuku]: “Did he really?
Well, I think Hyodo’ll improve more than me though—"
“I mean, the attitude he has towards actin’ is different so,
Well I’m no match for somethin’ like that.”
Homare: “Umu… So Banri-kun’s also the type to give praise from the shadows.”
Taichi? [Tsumugi]: “Both of you just can’t be honest, right, Ban-chan!”
Sakyo? [Guy]: “Geez, they’re troublesome brats.”
-pause-
Sakyo: No way, they were thinking up something like this…
Banri: ‘Sides, what kinda setting do we have!
Juza: That’s impossible.
Taichi: But it’s super interesting!
Azami: Winter troupe’s scary…
-pause-
Tsumugi: “I’ve come back now.”
Azuma: “Sorry for the wait.”
Guy: “We’ve brought all the drinks.”
Tasuku: “While we were at it, we yanked Mikage from the marshmallows.”
Hisoka: “…Arisu is absorbed and making a weird face.”
Homare: “What is a weird face? I was just thinking for a bit.”
Tsumugi: “Thinking?”
Homare: “No, I was thinking that, apparently, I still don’t know everyone in the Theatre troupe very well yet.”
“The human heart is terribly complicated and mysterious, hm?”
Hisoka: “…Not just his face, but what Arisu says is weird too.”
Tsumugi: “Did something happen?”
Tasuku: “…Well, somehow I understand what he wants to say.”
Azuma: “It’s that everyone has a hidden face, right?”
Guy: “…That’s right.”
Izumi: (The six Winter troupe members gather again; they talk about how the Theatre troupe members also have their various circumstances and it ends—)
-pause-
Audience member A: That was so interesting~!
Audience member B: I never thought that they’d actually do impressions!
Audience member C: They were really accurate!
Izumi: (Thank goodness the audience members also look like they enjoyed it…!)
(In this friendly atmosphere where everyone is laughing and surprised, they change clothes and it’s the Winter troupe revue!)
-pause-
Tsumugi: Now, everyone. It’s the Winter troupe-like adult showtime.
Audience member A: Ehh, tap dancing!?
Audience member B: Amazing! So cool…!
Izumi: (I see. At a glance, it seems they’re well-arranged, and the steps are making proper use of each of their personalities.)
(Tsumugi-san is dainty, and Tasuku-san is cool with his strong steps.
Guy-san is also powerful in each of his movements.)
Izumi: (Homare-san is elegant, and because of his original nature, Hisoka-san’s movements are light. Also, Azuma-san is sexy.)
Audience member C: Winter troupe, stuff like this suits them, huh!
Audience member A: I get it~! Everyone’s wonderful!
Izumi: (They’re such gorgeous steps that I can’t imagine it was polished off in such a short time.)
(…Azuma-san, just what kind of intensive training did you go through in that short amount of time.)
-pause-
Tsumugi: Everyone, for coming today—.
Winter troupe: Thank you very much!
---
*Citron says "ぎっくり" (gikkuri) which Tsuzuru corrects as "ビックリ" (bikkuri: surprise)
**Citron? says "満員��霊" (manin onryou: manin = full & onryou = vengeful spirit) which Itaru? corrects as "満員お礼" (manin onrei: full house/ sold out crowd)
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A little (lot) of musing that is probably equal parts reflection and self-pity. Brought on by a talk with @foxesandmagic and also a convo I had with @notanannoyingfangirl recently. AND under a cut, because if I have learned one thing this lovely pandemic, it’s that I’m just shouting into the void here anyways....
I have always wanted to be a writer.
Starting pretty much the moment I knew how to write - when I was eight years old and stapled together the pages of my Enid Blyton-esque boarding school stories for my mum to read like a book.
And later when I wrote little fix-its for my favourite animes, when I improvised and recorded audio plays with my little brother and in the early 2000s when I filled the internet with hundreds upon hundreds of pages of OC fiction and AUs for my favourite TV show The Tribe. It’s save to say, this girl had stories to tell.
And more than that, this girl wated to tell stories.
And I am not being (too) cocky when I say I was good at it. Was my style (a lot) less polished than it is now, fifteen years later? I’m sure it was. But people liked what I wrote, some loved it even. I had a lot of readers, considering that this was in the days where fanfiction.net was a novel concept. People left raving reviews, there were actual mini ship wars happening in the comments of my stories, people told me I made them gasp, laugh and cry real tears. Some said I should make a living off of it.
I didn’t. I’m German. I’m sensible. Studying is expensive, even if you don’t have a tuition nightmare like the States and I grew up seeing my parents work their asses off to get by. So this was what I planned to do. I did dual job training as an insurance clerk. Then another as a public official. What I wanted to be though was a writer. Now I am none of those things.
I am a stay-at-home mum with depression and anxiety (and a wonderful husband who happily took on the role as solo breadwinner when it became apparent that my condition was best managed from within my little mum-micro-cosmos). Kinda ironic that in theory this would be the perfect opportunity to get back into that “I want tell stories” swing, right?
That’s what I told myself when I finished studying and naively thought that it would actually mean more free time. And when I got pregnant the first time and every day of my almost six years of parental leave.
Yet I didn’t. Didn’t become a writer. Didn’t tell stories.
I tried, yes. I went to novel writing and creative writing workshops at the adult education centre; paid money to be taught stuff that I already knew and have published writers tell me that I probably have what it takes to be a writer (if maybe a litte unpolished, they were selling themselves to us after all).
Sadly, this didn’t provide the ego boost I needed to get back into writing. And at this point I am asking myself what possibly could. I am YEARNING to write again. I am hurting from how intensely I wish to hold one of my stories in my hands as an actual book. And yet...
What is it?
Is it sth dumb and small like the language? Should I just bury the high flying goal of reaching the biggest possible market by writing in a language that isn’t my own? I can’t possibly be as eloquent in English as I am in German right? Only, I haven’t written anything German in more than a decade, unless it was for a workshop and even then I struggled with not slipping into English. If I don’t even feel at home in my own language’s prose, where does that leave me?
Am I too depressed? Lemme tell you I didn’t get any writing done on meds either so it’s probably not the gloom (alone).
Yes, kids are hardcore, but it’s not like all authors are childless hermits, sooooo...
Have I outgrown my own childish dreams and aspirations? Has real life simply caught up with me?
But if that is the case, if I’m just not meant to write and to tell my stories... Then why does it hurt?
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I Wrote My Own Deliverance
Chapter 8 out of 10
Alexander Hamilton is reborn as Alex Hambleton. He is desperate not to make the same mistakes twice, but it seems he is stuck in the narrative, unable to get out. Familiar faces pop up all around him as he attempts to keep his previous life a secret and write himself out of the story.
On AO3.
Ships: none
Warnings: guilt, mentions all te deaths in Alex’s past and blackmail. Tell me if I missed anything or if you want me to tag something!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Washburn Pamphlet
by A. Ham
This pamphlet is written by Alex Hambleton to deny all rumors surrounding a sexual relationship with Professor George Washburn, Columbia University.
As much as I had vowed to myself not to end up here, I find myself once more having to publicly air my secrets to save myself. This might be news for people surrounding me, for I don’t go about telling everyone about my scandals of lives passed, it seems I have learned after all.
It is quite ironic that I am here once more for the sole reason of doing everything in my power not to be here.
And I could say that I am not.
Maybe I can claim that it is different, because I am denying the rumors and I am not in the wrong this time around. It is not even selfish motifs that caused me to reach for a quill, or, in this case, a keyboard.
But enough dancing around the topic.
I was aware that some people had thoughts and opinions about how I have gotten to where I am, but no one has had to audacity to come up and say them to my face with blackmail as motivation. Lets say I was quite surprised when James Richardson (no I will not be shying away from names) came up to me.
He told me that, unless I got Professor Washburn to pay him 20.000 dollars, the whole school would know how I fucked myself up the ladder by diving into bed with him each Sunday.
Seeing this was the first time I heard I was fucking him (Washburn had not been so kind to inform me, strangely enough), I was quite surprised. Although I have to admit that I cannot deny that I have been visiting the Washburn household each and every Sunday since the summer break, even going as far as to drive over to their summer home in Virginia.
Guilty as charged on that front.
Yes, I am confirming that this is true and I can understand how this feels more like a confession of guilt than the denial it is.
For you have to understand that you think in a too small time frame and in the wrong names. I have already said that I will not shy away from names in this pamphlet, so here I will drop the name of the person I have actually been seeing. I have been seeing George Washington, my General and President under whom I have served for many years back when I was known as Alexander Hamilton.
The time frame is not between the summer break and now, it is over two centuries ago when a great man saw my potential and helped me live up to it.
I am willing to go through the registration process to prove Professor Washington innocence, as well as my own, in the matter. I am also willing to do whatever is necessary to prove that I earned my spot in the accelerated track.
But this is the truth I can offer right now and I hope you will believe me on my word alone.
God knows I am aware that this sounds preposterous and outrageous, for why come out and tell you all now that I am a Founding Father when I could have done so without allegations that needed a story to be disproven?
Well, as everyone knows denying a rumor is the same as confirming it. And the truth is that I do not want to be Alexander Hamilton.
And why would I?
Why would I want to be that man. For all the musical tries to paint me as a hero, or misunderstood, I am so very aware that I did not deserve Elizas forgiveness. I know I threw away my shot the moment I didn’t say no (forgive the reference).
However, it is not just that. I do not want to be the man that did not come to his friends aid in France, I do not want to be the man that cared more about himself than his wife and the abused woman he took advantage off.
Alex Hambleton left Alexander Hamilton behind at birth.
I took this life, my second chance, to be better. I do not wish to walk the same paths and bring down those around me in my misery and mistakes.
Yet here I am.
I took the liberty of finding comfort in the one person who I knew would not share my secret, whom I’d be safe with as I always have been. The home where I could be the entirety of me, a combination of the Founding Father I used to be and the loudmouth student I am now.
And now it is not just me who has to pay the price when people don’t believe me. I tried so hard to write myself out of this story, to not make the same mistakes, but it seems that for all my trying I cannot stop being a death sentence for those around me.
My father still left, my mother held me again while she died, the moment I remembered who I was, was the moment I found my cousin dead. I did not want to believe that this would always be my life until the hurricane hit.
But there it was and it swept my hometown away with the waves and wind. My story is as set in stone and I, for all I claim to be an unstoppable force, cannot seem to move it.
Have you ever smelled death?
Have you ever looked around and seen bodies floating in the water and known that it was your fault?
It was my story that history forces to repeat, my story that caused the deaths of all those people and it is my story that forces a scandal into being and it is my inability to keep me from defending myself that makes me end up here.
Overwhelm them with honesty.
That is what my musical counterpart said and that is the footsteps in which I am walking once again. Though I hope that the small changes I have managed to make, will ensure that the results of my deeds will end up differently.
For those who knew me, I am sorry for the deceit. I hoped by not interacting, I would not pull you down with me once more. I do not wish my misfortune on you again.
But it is not for me that I seek your pity.
I am once more, begging strangers for kindness and understanding of my story. I hope you grant me this mercy and believe me, so that the one person who has always believed in me, no matter how much I did not, can keep his livelihood.
Let his story of success remain unchanged. Let him live his life in peace, knowing he did well and do not exile him in shame for crimes he did not commit.
Believe me not for my sake, but for his.
I could tell you stories of my past life in an attempt to prove myself to you. I could tell you about letters I wrote, words I said, people I loved and lost. I could tell you facts about myself that you can not verify, because I was the only person there to witness them.
But that will not do me any good.
So I write.
I write in the hope that you can find pity and understanding for the bastard, orphan, son of a whore that clung to the only rock, before the eye of hurricane had passed and he was swept up by forces of nature out of his control.
It is the only thing I can do.
I am not religious, yet here I am, praying on two knees to a God that has never listened to me, in the hope I have done enough to change the story I am stuck in.
However, I know my prayers have never been answered with anything but indifference.
Will my prayers be answered this time?
I do not count on it.
So, I will not ask you to pray for me. I will not allow myself to become a victim to lies and slander after I have worked so hard to be better than that person who was. I will not be threatened and blackmailed when I learned from my mistakes and I did not repeat that part.
Instead I ask you to pray for Washington as I am doing.
I ask you to pray for the kind soul that saw my potential and made sure that I could take one step closer to the future I wanted to achieve.
To pray for the man, who gave me shelter over the summer so that I would not be homeless. Pray for the man who gives me dinner one day of the week to ensure I do not starve. Pray for the man who let me read his recommendation letter an unnatural amount of times, so that I could ensure he only helped me based off the things I had achieved not his history with me, because he knew how important it is to me that I make my own spot in the world.
And I pray for his wife, Martha, whom I call Mama M, always have.
Mama M, who has been there with open arms and soft words to fill a void that hadn’t been filled in this life or the last, since I was twelve.
I no longer care for your perception of me. You can keep your thoughts to yourself and I can move unaffected by hateful words that have followed me both lifetimes. I am used to it and I do not care about your words.
However, I do care for the two people who cared about me when no one else did. When no one else knew to care.
My shoes have always been worn out from the running I have to do to keep up. I work because I know I am too much of a minority to make it anywhere in the world if I don’t work thrice as hard as my peers.
Immigrant, Latino, bisexual, polyamorous, orphan, bastard.
These words have haunted me until I turned them into badges of honor and the only reason that is, is because I had a home to rest. A place to take of my shoes and get ready to face another day.
That place was the Washingtons home.
So, think of me what you want. Think me a liar who did not earn his place in the world, tell your friends how annoying I am and how you wish I had not made it through my hardships. I do not care for your opinion of me.
But keep them out of it, they do not deserve the slander of my presence for crimes they did not commit and rumors that are not true.
Be the change that prevents the tragedy of a history repeated.
.
Your obedient servant,
.
A. Ham
#RR writing#hamilton the musical#Hamitlon AU#hamilton#alexander hamilton#george washington#martha washington#james reynolds#tw: blackmail#tw: guilt#tw: death mention#tw: suicide mention
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