#I wish I could say it’s just because Taylor has a unique life experience that makes her potential dating pool unique | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

oneweekoneband · 3 years

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meet me behind the mall!!!!!!!!!

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I don’t know why Taylor Swift thinks that teenagers drink wine, and I don’t know why she chose to record and release a wistful high-school-other-woman song which left me feeling naked as a frog and therefore furious. Some questions we ask only so as to be soothed by the familiar sound of our own voice, still there after all. The answers are not coming.

The Taylor Swift Teen Love Triangle Triad of “cardigan”, “august”, and “betty” is the part of folklore that makes me most bullish about where Taylor is going as an artist. A turn away from writing songs which are intentionally meant to appear confessional and toward, instead, songs which reveal the personal as refracted through fictitious circumstances and made-up characters is a better use of her big, weird brain, and allows that brain to be unleashed on a broader plain of experience. It’s incredibly embarrassing to be an adult woman with my own problems to manage and to have living in my head Taylor Swift’s demented YA fiction, but it’s an embarrassment that feels appropriate, like I could never really have escaped this fate. On “betty” she gets to play-act as a contrite teen boy who knows he’s done wrong, and while obviously the most charming thing about the song is Taylor saying “fuck” (and also her giving us a little of the ol’ razzle dazzle by way of some light twang), her experiment with imagining what it’s like to be a skateboarding kid who hates dances, trying on an imagined teen boy interiority as a costume, is effective too.

“cardigan” is more removed, less plaintive and shouty. This is a song from adult Betty’s perspective looking back on this period in her life and in her relationship with James, who the song seems to imply she is still with now. While—full offense—I believe marrying your high school girlfriend or boyfriend is a disorder which should have its own listing in the DSM, restoring order by putting the original couple back together so as to make the story one of true love triumphing over adversity, rather than a series of sketches of kids doing fuckup kid things just because it is not easy to be alive and to be alive alongside others and with gentleness, least of all when you are very new at it, is the only conclusion this saga could ever have reached with Ms. Swift at its helm, and I do appreciate the consistent, if baby-brained, internal logic. I’ve never known a teenage girl whose signature garment was a cardigan and, frankly, this Betty sounds like sort of a self-absorbed drip (I do love, love, how Taylor’s own voice comes through so clearly on the lightly threatening, smug lines, “I knew you’d miss me once the thrill expired / And you’d be standing in my front porch light” !!) so I’m not totally surprised she got cheated on, but that’s very uncharitable of me and probably comes from the same meaty polyp in my brain that is responsible for my still loving all the hilariously mean-spirited, woman-hating songs on Speak Now.

“august” is about the other girl. The “her” in James’ rather pathetic defense, “slept next to her, but I dreamt of you all summer long”. “august” tells a story that brings to my mind another story. It is a story I won’t belabor because it is neither exciting nor unique. It will not illuminate an unexplored human experience, as it is, in fact, incredibly boring, regular, an incident which would be at home in any normal Tuesday, ordinary as meeting at the mall. This is a million years ago and there is a boy whose basement I go to sometimes after swim practice. We have matching team sweatpants with our names embroidered above the pocket at the right hip and I like to switch pairs. I’m you and you’re me and when we have pushed and bent the tiredness out of our muscles together, making experimental declarations in hushed voices down there while the furnace groans, well, then I’m you and me and you’re you and me and we are we are we are.

One February day at twilight I bound out of the school building with wet hair and a fleece jacket, but his car is already gone. No worries. Standing at my locker the next afternoon like in a movie he will say, easy as anything, that he has a girlfriend, a family friend, two towns over, she goes to private school. You’ve probably met her, he says. And right then I remember that I have. Last year I did her zipper in the bathroom at a dance. We were fighting but we never really broke up, he says. For months you’ve been fighting? is all I say back. Fighting since October? As if that matters. Like that’s the point. My voice is pinched and ugly and I know I’ll hear that sound forever. Well, anyway... I feel bad. He doesn’t clarify for whom he feels bad. He’s got one sneaker toe working against the other one atop the tile floor that’s the murky green of sea glass. He looks at my St Brigid’s cross necklace, at the blue Masterlock hanging open like a broken jaw, at someone in a hoodie who punches his shoulder as they walk by. Nothing personal, he says, and there is a tiny smudge of cafeteria pizza at the corner of his mouth that I hadn’t noticed until that second and a day ago would’ve reached up and wiped away with the pad of my thumb, laughing. I get it, right? Oh, sure.

The worst of it was not skipping pre-calc to cry in the bathroom, since, I mean, I couldn’t actually do pre-calc and would never learn how, but was inspecting my soul in the dark when I couldn’t sleep that night and finding part of me had known this all along, had chosen to pretend, wanted the wanting so badly I’d knocked from my brain the truth of how it was going to end. This would not be the last false love from which I’d find myself unceremoniously discarded, and in time I’d learn to be the liar myself, too. It’s unseemly to pathologize bad decisions, to take on poor impulse control or self-destructive patterns as an identity, but I do think that just as some people are born serial monogamists, part of a twosome forever with very little mess in-between, some of us were built from the very first cell to live like a pool ball struck and banging teeth first into the wrong mouths and hearts. I can examine my romantic history and tap my finger against the obvious errors, the times I chose what I knew would hurt me, when I ascribed hope to situations where it did not belong, when I, like the narrator of “august”, regarded someone as not mine to lose but still put myself in the position to be harmed by the losing, yet I can’t produce alternative choices that feel realistic. If you are in love and it doesn’t work out, there is mourning, there is pain, but there is all the while a record which shows something happened, it was real. “august” stands somewhat apart in the Taylor Swift catalog as a song neither about the glory of true love or the heartbreak when it’s over, but about the small, paper cut heartbreaks that are inescapable during each day of an untrue love. “It was never mine”. When it turns out you were wrong the whole time, fooling yourself, then even remembering that you’d been happy in the lie is like being trapped in a fun house, body bent and broken in the mirror, a thing not built right for this world.

“august” is about the girl who James was with over the summer, the girl he leaves to return to Betty. Taylor said it’s the first of the three that she wrote, and I fear this has warmed me to her in some new and unsettling way. I fear this means she’s matured as a person and writer, capable now of a more expansive view of situations, to be generous. It’s like how you shouldn’t feed gremlins after midnight; there is no telling what new and more dangerous creature this woman might turn into if she’s suddenly been taught empathy. When Taylor-as-James in “betty” sings, “Would you trust me if I told you it was just a summer thing?” in his effort to woo Betty back I hate him a little, that thoughtless child undeserving of the kind of adoration in lines like, “your back beneath the sun / wishing I could write my name on it.” I try to extend grace to this fictional boy, but I think of the “Do you remember? in “august” and I feel a little sick from being so certain that no... No, he doesn’t. Not really.

“Back when we were still changing for the better / wanting was enough / for me it was enough”. I’d like to think there is no last chance to change for the better. I’d like to think wanting is enough so long as you want the right thing. I’d like to think that God made sure Taylor Swift became a singer instead of a young adult novelist because the absolute last thing this world needed was this freak joining the circus that is YA Twitter. Most of all, I like thinking that Judy Blume knows that her beautiful, searing, devastatingly romantic and also textually gay 1998 novel Summer Sisters is the only important book that has ever been published, and, further, that the world will show me the respect of understanding and accepting that “august”, when removed from the context of the Swiftian child romance trilogy, sounds as if it were specifically written in homage. Taylor, I know I’ve accused you of at least fifty crimes this week alone, but if you want to talk about Summer Sisters, please get in touch.

#taylor swift #folklore

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shemakesmusic-uk · 3 years

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TRACK BY TRACK BREAKDOWN: Daddy's Country Gold LP by Melissa Carper

Singer-songwriter and upright bassist Melissa Carper has released her new album Daddy's Country Gold today.

Carper’s refreshingly unique style calls to mind greats like Kitty Wells, Billie Holiday, and Loretta Lynn, beautifully conveyed in the grooves of the album’s 12 sparkling gems. Carper enlisted fellow bassist Dennis Crouch (The Time Jumpers) and producer/engineer Andrija Tokic (Alabama Shakes, Margo Price) to co-produce the album and bring her dream to life. Recorded live to tape at Tokic’s analog studio wonderland The Bomb Shelter in Nashville, the album features Crouch (bass), Chris Scruggs (guitar, steel guitar), Jeff Taylor (piano, organ, accordion), Matty Meyer (drums, percussion), Billy Contreras (fiddle), with guest appearances from Brennen Leigh, Sierra Ferrell, and legendary pedal steel maestro Lloyd Green.

Daddy’s Country Gold is a collection of glittering Carper originals of the country, western swing, and jazz variety. From the first notes of album opener 'Makin’Memories,' to the whimsical 'Would You Like To Get Some Goats,' and the heart-wrenching tenderness of album closer 'The Stars Are Aligned,' this lifetime of work, experience, and wanderlust culminates in a beautiful portrait of heartfelt music, written by a road-lovin’ gal who has lived these songs and spent her life playing music for folks that still love the real thing.

We asked Melissa to breakdown Daddy's Country Gold track-by-track to give us more insight into what the songs on the LP are about. Read it below.

Makin' Memories

Most of my songs' inspirations will come just from a beginning phrase or idea and then they will take off from that. With 'Makin' Memories,' the inspiration came from a conversation I was having with a friend, they were joking about 'Makin' memories and keepin' your memories.' I thought it was funny and a good song idea. The first line came to me, 'I'm makin' memories I'd like to remember.' I always have a hard time remembering people's names, especially getting introduced to so many folks at shows and traveling all around, so thus 'Larry and Steve.' Then, of course, there is the whole idea of not remembering what happened when you have had too much to drink, something I may have done a time or two. This is just a fun, lighthearted song that hopefully makes people chuckle. I love Frank Sinatra and this song happened to take on a bit of that Sinatra flair.

I Almost Forgot About You

The idea for 'I Almost Forgot About You' came from a weekend in which I had a very good time and had managed to forget about a love interest that I had been obsessing about. When I got back home that phrase came to me, 'I Almost Forgot About You,' and I realized I had a song there. I just kind of tied in the various lost loves of my life to come up with the rest. The bridge for this song came later and sort of magically. I primarily write without an instrument in hand and develop the words and melody first and then I sit down and figure out the chords after. This bridge I am particularly happy with the spaces and the way the phrasing waits. It came to me that way, and in fact, this entire song had a nice easy flow with the way it all came. I like it when that happens, feels like you are getting help from the universe.

Back When

A lot of my songs are based on my real-life experiences, and with 'Back When,' every single word of that was lived and true. I started writing it a bit after a break up while longing for the relationship I once had with someone, that is--the beginning of the relationship when we were in love and everything was wonderful. It was written with a hopeful desire that things could be as they once were, and though that never happened, I feel like this song does have that hopeful air that maybe 'back when' could happen again, for any relationship that has lost that spark.

Old Fashioned Gal

'Old Fashioned Gal' was inspired by spending some time in the beautiful country of West Virginia. I did receive help from a West Virginian on the names of flowers and such. Before writing it, I had been listening on Sirius radio to a station with old jazz tunes--if I remember correctly--while driving back from a long tour with the Carper Family. Usually, if I listen to a certain style over and over, the next thing I write will have that influence. Like I do with most of my songs, I developed the melody and lyrics first in my head and then sat down to find the chords on guitar. It ended up having a surprising amount of chord changes in the chorus and changing in odd spots rhythmically, but that's what the melody dictated and I like the way it twists and turns and throws you a bit off-balance there in the chorus.

You're Still My Love

'You're Still My Love' is just a sad love song and written from real-life experience. I had been listening to Jolie Holland before I wrote this one and I think it affected the embellishments in the melody. Also, I think Patsy Cline came out, probably from listening so much to Patsy in my childhood. This one wrote itself real quick and I remember camping and sleeping in the back of my van while writing it.

Would You Like to Get Some Goats?

When I wrote 'Would You Like to Get Some Goats' I had a girlfriend at the time whose dream was to have a goat farm. I had fun with double-entendre and metaphors in this one. And it kind of likens the commitment of getting goats with the commitment of marriage. I have heard goats are quite a commitment but they sure are cute when they are little babies.

My Old Chevy Van

'My Old Chevy Van' is an emotional song for me. I inherited my family's 1991 Chevy Van and had been driving it for six years or so when I moved from Arkansas to Austin, Texas in 2009. I drove it around Texas for a year or two and then felt like it was time to sell it as maintenance was getting expensive and it got terrible gas mileage. I had lived in the van at various times, having a traveling lifestyle, and then there were all the memories it held from childhood. At the time of writing the song, both my mom and dad had already passed on. I had no idea when I sold this van how sad I would be because it had such a connection to them. I still wish I had not sold it and just kept it around as a guest house. The seats in back folded out to be a bed and it was quite comfortable to ride in with the luxury bucket seats. I named her 'Barbie' because the pink and purple paint job reminded me of my Barbie van I had growing up. I had been listening to Hazel Dickens a bunch when I wrote 'My Old Chevy Van' and I feel that was influential. This song needed a bridge and my old bandmate, Jan Bell (who knew Barbie), helped me find some lyrical ideas that fit just perfectly for the bridge.

Arkansas Hills

I wrote 'Arkansas Hills' when I was driving back from a Christmas trip to Wisconsin. I started writing it around St. Louis and I did not have a smartphone to give me directions. I had probably scribbled some directions down or was looking at a map and I remember telling myself out loud a few times, so I would remember the highways, '44 West out of St. Louis to 65 South,' and then I thought to myself well that's a nice start to a traveling song. So I started writing it while I was driving down the road, and had it pretty much finished by the time I was pulling into 'my little log cabin' in Arkansas--except I didn't really live in a log cabin, but it sounds good in the song. Donna Farar of Mountain View, Arkansas helped me write a fourth verse, which I felt the song needed. Donna wrote all the lyrics to Willie's big hit 'The Last Thing I Needed the First Thing This Morning' and she actually lives in the middle of the woods in Arkansas in a cabin, so I felt that enlisting her help was a perfect choice.

It's Better if You Never Know

'It's Better if You Never Know' is one of my more recent songs and it was inspired simply by a conversation with songwriters in Nashville at a table in a bar. Once I had moved to Nashville and began co-writing with some folks, I realized you can get a song idea at almost anytime if you are paying attention, just listening to a good phrase someone might say. In this instance, someone said 'It's Better if You Never Know' and someone else said that sounds like a good song. I started trying to write it the next day. I'm getting better at writing songs that don't necessarily have a link to me personally, however, I do believe when a song has that personal link it can have an extra emotional feeling that is conveyed to the listener.

I'm Musing You

'I'm Musing You' came about while I was driving down the road on a road trip. I hadn't written a song in a while and was thinking about how I have often used the same muse or muses to create a song, by thinking back on old times. I thought to myself 'I need a new muse, I need to stop delving back into these old times.' And there was the song.

Many Moons Ago

With 'Many Moons Ago,' a musician friend of mine used that phrase, many moons ago, and I thought wow I like that, people don't use that phrase much anymore, so I decided to write a song with the phrase. I had been listening to a Delmore Brothers tape over and over in my truck and, though I don't even remember the specific song, I know that something from that tape inspired the melody to 'Many Moons Ago.' Often times I will not know what I am copying or if I am copying something, but there is just something present in my consciousness that brings about a certain style or melody. This song doesn't have many lyrics, but I like the simple message it conveys that time does heal and growth occurs and you move on even when you feel you are dealing with something you can never get over.

The Stars Are Aligned

'The Stars Are Aligned' just came from the romantic feeling of a new relationship with a soulmate you have been waiting for. It flowed out just naturally from that first phrase, the 'Stars Are Aligned.' I love the way this one lends itself to a string section in the background, almost Disney princess-like, and I am so pleased with the lovely string parts on this recording. The string parts were written by my girlfriend and first-class fiddler, Rebecca Patek.

Photo credit: Aisha Golliher

#melissa carper #daddy's country gold #track by track breakdown

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carrottuan93 · 3 years

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Haven’t met you yet | Mark

Masterlist (3/4) | part1 - part2 - part4

Starring: MK x You

Tags: Mark Tuan, Fluff, Destiny, Waiting, Christmas, Bookworm, Nerd, Love, Fate

Total WC: 2194

You nearly puked your guts out to the sight of Jackson sticking to Eunhee and hugging her like forever has been robbed from them. You failed to confide to your best friend about what happened to you in the last 24 hours. So as not to spoil their couple time together, you chose to not disturb them and just mingle with all the kids in the sweet treats section. You love kids so much you play Santa and distributed macarons to each one of them. As expected, most of your close friends and guests brought their own boyfriends, if not, their own husbands and it was a nice show to witness, with sarcasm aside. Thanks to Jackson’s little cousins, they keep you entertained with their bubbly personality.

“One with the kids, sure you’re missing the party in the adult section, no?” The sight of a guy clad in a formal white dress shirt, tucked in a black denim pants partnered with a classic chuck taylor, and a gray winter coat, welcomed your eyes. Guys who dress fashionably is such a head turner for you.

“Actually, they keep me company so I’m having fun to be honest.” You replied, feeling all the weird sensation cascading across your spine. You feel a bit nauseous whenever guys approach you. You don’t know if you even want to be with a guy right now, after your embarrassing experience last night.

“My cousins here are a bunch of nuisance, you’ll get tired of them soon.” He picked one matcha macaron from the aisle and took a bite of it. You observed his expression. A smile crept up to his face and you caught sight of Eunhee in a distant, gossiping to Jackson that you’re having a moment with his cousin. You certainly know that they’re mentally pairing you up already and you are growing nervous about the plans that they are possibly plotting behind your back.

“You like it? I bought them all the way from a café near my workplace that sells classic macarons just like the original ones from Paris.” He nodded in approval as you watch him took another piece, this time it’s strawberry. That’s your favorite flavor among the rest and you can really tell that the sweet tooth runs on Jackson’s bloodline by how his cousins, from the little chubby ones and the grown up beside you, munch on your favorite treat.

“I never really eat macarons, but you introduced me into it. You deserve a recognition, uhm?” He lifted his hand for a handshake. He doesn’t know your name yet so you took his hand and introduced yourself right away.

“It’s Y/n, Eunhee’s best friend. Thank you for the recognition by the way. Well, you come here with a date?” You’re mentally tiptoeing above the thin ice. It’s better to assume that this cute guy over here is already taken, I mean with his looks, he's totally a charmer, you thought to yourself.

“I didn’t bring anyone with me, so I assume you also come along on your own, no?” Green light. Okay, you need to calm down. This isn’t like any of your past blind dates but first meetups are usually nerve wracking and scary so you played the innocent heroine that you are and chose to just go with the flow seeing how Eunhee and Jackson are staring at you maliciously from Mark’s back, you know they were able to receive the death notes you are sending them via telepathy.

“That explains it.” It’s not that you had a thing with cute guys, but maybe you just discovered it right now. You can tell he’s a decent one, a cool and random Asian-American import from the west and maybe if you’re an ice cream, you already turned into liquid by the way he stares at you.

“I don’t know anything about you yet, but would you trust a complete stranger to celebrate your Christmas eve with? If you’re up for it, we’ll leave this party right away because I can tell that you’re going to get sick from all these couples outnumbering us.” Have you been a good girl this year? You didn’t include this guy on your Christmas list but Santa rewarded you without even asking for it.

“I��m putting my trust on you knowing that Jackson is a good guy so does his cousin. I'll sue him and he’ll answer for the damages and fines in case you failed to bring me back in good shape.” You both let out a hefty chuckle earning glares from your best friend and her boyfriend. You’ve decided to pursue your spontaneous trip with Mark and the next thing you know you’re already closing the front door upon your exit even before the two of them could react to your great and grand escape.

----

He took you on a ride away from the busy and bustling streets of Seoul. You're thrilled to find out that he actually brought you to Namsan Tower, the highest peak in the city. You're awed expression cannot suffice the picturesque panoramic scenery of Seoul unfolding in front of your very eyes when you entered the observatory on the top most floor. You were unable to talk all of a sudden and your heart is brimming with unexplained strings of emotion as you kept on taking pictures and videos of the breathtaking place that sent your eyes into a food coma.

"I only went to N tower once, or maybe twice but that was during the day and I have no idea that this is how it looks at night. It's a miss, nobody will be able to witness this scene on a Christmas eve the way we're seeing it right now." You forgot about your shameful episodes of last night's happenings and your worries disappeared in just an instant.

"I kind of paid for tonight's reservation when I arrived here in Korea a week ago, with the hopes of spending Christmas only to myself. Consider yourself lucky, you've managed to join me on this one-time event. Heck, the price I paid for is totally worth it. Come here and try this." He urged you to look on the telescope, and to your surprise, you're taking in every aspect of the city in a bird's eye perspective. Everything you look at is really stunning. Like you never really imagined that perfection exists for real until tonight and you're experiencing it with a random guy whom you've only met an hour ago. Your eyes met his and you wished you aren't redder than a rotten tomato for looking like a lost deer caught on a headlight.

"The view here is really pretty.” He gave you a smile, too charming for your own consumption.

“It really is.” He’s even prettier than the view. You can only sense your guy-o-meter raising for Mark. Good lord, is this a sign? Your mind is now ready to tick the ideal guy boxes on your list.

“We shouldn't keep this New York style pizza from waiting while it is hot.” He chuckled, like the cute kid that he is. There is something with his unique laugh that you really don’t mind hearing at all. Is he older than me? Please, I don’t want to date someone younger than me.

“Okay, sure kid.” You followed him as he sat on the ground in a dimly lit room radiating a romantic atmosphere under the starry and chilly skies of Seoul. This is not a date, but a friendly escape out of boredom planned by two single hearts on a Christmas eve. As if you’re two partners in crime, sitting on one of the highest skyscrapers in town, while sharing a box of pizza. It’s just that you aren’t Bonnie and neither he is your Clyde but you're loving the idea of him as someone whom you can rely on.

“I’m older than you, silly.” The sight of a wine bottle behind him caught your attention and wondered where it came from. He noticed you eyeing the prize so he did the honor and poured you a glass of wine while you’re devouring your slice of pizza. You never imagined that eating pizza is too romantic and one for the books.

“Any proof that you’re actually above 25? Cause you really look young. With that face, you can qualify for a student discount on public transports and still save money for your commute.” You want to make sure that he’s at least 5 years older than you. You prefer dating someone older than you because they always say that a guy's maturity is a year delayed for his age.

“Trust me, I just know. I’m old enough to buy a house and enter into casinos, I guess.” He gave you a wink and you felt a gush of strong wind blew your senses away. He’s totally a Romeo and you took a swig of wine while observing him secretly.

“So you’re a gambler? I might have been spending my time with some kind of a mafia leader and still have no clue about it.” He’s laughing at it again. I might have a talent with making cute guys laugh and that’s an asset I only discovered right now.

“What, no! But my dad is a big spender in casinos. My duty is to look out for him and take him home before he could even bet our fortune with his leisure. I could always hear him say ‘It has gotta be all or nothing’. He’s born for taking risks and maybe I got that gene from him that’s why.” He stretched his legs and sat like he’s on a photoshoot. He’s not a model but he can beat the professional ones even without the need for screening.

“What’s the biggest risk you’ve taken in your life so far?” You folded your legs as you watch him wonder with his eyes fixed on the ceiling. He poured a glass for himself and you noticed that he used the same glass that you drink on.

“I believe we’re taking risks everyday in our lives. The only difference is the distance of our leap towards taking or not taking chances at all. Like when you’re playing a game, everything starts with equal opportunities. It’s a race to the witch mountain. The first one to gamble takes it all. You gotta be the predator of every tournament and you gotta be the last one standing in a survival of the fittest. If you’re brave enough to take the earliest start, you can use that advantage to ace your end game. It’s all about timing and investing. Win or lose streak. There is no such thing as a grey area when it comes to taking risks. You don’t get to tie with anybody. Either you’ll win or lose. You just have to trust your instincts and roll your dice like everyday is your last day on earth. If I go for something, I go all in. No half-baked decisions. Because my father taught me that risks equates to rewards and I’m all up for the extremes of both worlds. That’s the one thing I’m best at. I know how to play the game nice and fair because I know how to measure the corners of a square and even the distance around the circle which is not visible to the naked eye. After all, he considers me as his lucky charm. That explains my presence to his endless casino nights. And he hardly ever loses if I’m with him. Sure, Pops are probably waiting for me at our doorstep in LA right now. Too bad, his son is on the other side of the world, taking his own risk of a lifetime.” You left with no words to say. He’s too deep, a food for the soul. Guys like him are the ones that can be displayed in museums. He’s a delicate art and nobody should be allowed to touch him but the curator. And you’d want to take that role.

“What if you lose? If you go all in and you lose everything all at once? Have you experienced it already?” you asked, admiring the tiny mole sitting under his left eye. You decided to take your second glass of wine.

“The best thing about losing is that you’ve tried. I don’t take failures as an excuse for not trying again and taking another risk the next day. If I lose, so what? That only means you’re brave because you grow stronger with every fall that you take. Like a bamboo tree, it only bends but it doesn’t break. Life is all about swimming against the current of uncertainties and finding yourself floating on top of your insecurities.” As if he’s summarizing all the lessons in life, you’d always want to go for the front seat. He’s a walking self-help book, and maybe Mark Manson’s book of ‘the subtle art of not giving a fuck’ would have to sit longer in my shelf for the meantime. I got a risk-taker author Mark, right here and I got nothing to worry about.

#marktuan #got7 #ahgase #mark #mark tuan #got7 mark #got7 marktuan #got7 fanfic #got7 fluff #got7 imagines #fluff #kpop #kpop fluff #fanfic #boyfriend #got7 jackson #jackson #got7jackson

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hotcoffeecoldmornings · 4 years

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(This shit is long so bear with me.)

Can’t Eat, Can’t Sleep, Reach for the Stars

I haven’t felt this way in awhile. This ‘can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of love.’

It’s hard to describe. The last time I was all-consumed like this by a TV show and a ship, that TV show was The 100, that ship was Clexa, and my world was, quite honestly, turned upside down by it.

I used the first two seasons of The 100 as background noise as I wrote my Master’s Thesis in 2015. To be honest, I didn’t really know exactly what was happening until Bodyguard of Lies (an episode anyone reading this post probably remembers well) came on. And a passionate kiss between two world leaders left me speechless and shocked. I was blindsided by it, unaware that that kiss would be the beginning of not only finding myself, but also accepting myself, and then finding a chosen family I never knew that I needed because of it.

There’s been alot of (okay, not a lot, but more) f/f ships on TV since then. Maggie and Alex. Nicole and Waverly. Elena and Syd. Kat and Adena. Anissa and Grace. Stef and Lena. Karolina and Nico. And the list goes on… While each of these ships is equally important, and each one represents another push towards more inclusive storytelling, there was never a ship that hit me as hard as Clarke and Lexa did.

Until now.

Harold, They’re Lesbians

Gay. Witches.

Motherland: Fort Salem said the words. And I fucking came running.

Okay, so it took me a few weeks… Thank you, twitter timeline, for finally getting my ass on board. It’s not that I didn’t want to start the show. It’s that my anxiety-ridden brain had other plans for me in mid-March. Like spending the majority of my time researching a global pandemic and then crawling into a depression hole because of it… Or something like that.

But nonetheless, I’m here now. And I’m fucking staying.

I knew I’d love this show. The concept of witches peppered with the idea that sexuality is irrelevant is honestly my one and only weakness. So I went into episode one with high hopes. And I sure as hell was not disappointed.

Episode 1 gave me even more than I could’ve asked for. We meet three uniquely powerful individuals, who all come from three uniquely interesting backgrounds. Abigail Bellweather, born into a lineage of the most powerful and elite witches Fort Salem has ever seen. Tally Craven, the last one standing in her family’s long-line of service, selflessly choosing to say the oath when she didn’t technically have to. And Raelle Collar, who has an unparalleled set of powers, combining her mother’s Christo-Pagan ways with those of the seeds learned at Fort Salem.

Rounding out that already brilliant cast is Scylla Ramshorm, the ‘sexy weird’ Necro who may or may not be evil (but we love her all the same). General Sarah Alder, the original witch who signed the Salem Accord, selling out every future witch to the United States Army, and whose ego quite often gets the best of her. And Anacostia Quartermaine, the Bellweather Unit’s Drill Sergeant who has a peculiar fondness (and leniency) for Raelle Collar.

The fact that this television show is entirely female centered (like, we’re talking 60 seconds of male screen time in the pilot), is what separates this show from most. Men exist in the world of Fort Salem as characters to exclusively propel the female leads forward, which is a stark contrast to the majority of shows right now. And not only is the entire main cast female, the main lead is gay. And honestly, the sexuality of every character on the show is questionably debatable as well. Except for Abigail, who quite clearly is into any and all men, and Tally, who grew up on a Matrifocal Compound and ended up in Fort Salem as a virgin. Which, of course, no shade to her, but it did strike me as odd when Abigail immediately assumed Tally’s virgin-ness when growing up in an all-female world was brought up.

So let’s start there, shall we?

The Heteronormative Narrative (or not…)

Something I did find puzzling about Motherland: Fort Salem (and the only thing, really) is how they portray sexuality, relationships, and love. In regards to sexuality, Eliot Laurence, the creator and executive producer, has been incredibly forward in interviews with the narrative that ‘your sexual preference doesn’t matter in this world.’ Which I appreciate to the fullest, trust me. But pardon my slight hesitation when I hear that line, because I think we’ve all been burned by it once before.

Motherland: Fort Salem has done a tremendous job of this. They’ve allowed characters to own their sexuality without question. It was never a thing when Raelle started dating Scylla. At Beltane, everyone went off with whomever the dance paired them with - even if that meant the same gender, and even if that meant three or four or five of them. Sexuality, in regards to same-sex partners, is never a character arc in this show, and it’s never there to create a plot point.

HowEVER, there were a few things I noticed that confused that fact.

Like I said about Abigail in the very first episode, when the Bellweather Unit is meeting for the first time, why was Abigail so quick to question Tally’s virginity after learning she comes from a Matrifocal Compound? If there are no heteronorms in the world of Motherland: Fort Salem, then why is it assumed that losing your virginity is related to relations with a man? Even though Tally is (well… was) a virgin, why would that question be brought up? If roles were reversed and it was Raelle living on the Matrifocal Compound, the conversation would’ve gone strikingly different, and it would’ve supported this heteronormative narrative that I thought we were trying to avoid. I’m just going to blame this one line on how badly Abigail wants the D, so sleeping with a woman wouldn’t even cross her mind.

But then what about the idea of this ‘five-year marriage contract’? It’s simply about producing a child, so I assume a woman could never have that sort of thing with another woman, and that those women could never add to their lineage (unless they entered into a five-year marriage contract simply to reproduce). Doesn’t this, alone, signify a heteronormative world without even meaning to do so? While they accept LGBTQ+ relationships, how do they actually fit into the society and culture that this show has created? Wouldn’t the gay witches be seen as almost inadequate in carrying on the gene if they don’t have a child? (AmI just thinking too much into this...?)

But then again, the whole concept of ‘love’ in Fort Salem is rather insignificant itself. As Gerit mentions, no one is supposed to spend their life with just one person. Witches are committed to one another in five-year partnerships to reproduce, and then that’s it. So in a way, I understand that nobody, no matter what their sexuality is, really gets to experience this fairytale ending that we’re used to seeing in a (*cough* heterosexual) ship on TV. And in a way, I also think that’s what makes this show all the more fascinating. Eliot Laurence gave everyone a level playing field by just removing the idea of a happily ever after altogether. In Laurence’s world, witches are meant to train and fight and die for their country. Love is their weakness. But what’s so compelling about that is even though love is their weakness, he made sure that love also manifests into their greatest strength.

From what I’ve seen in interviews for Laurence, every single thing has a purpose. So I’m quick to let this go, and see where he takes us. He’s been building this world inside his head for nine years, so I know that there’s so much more to this story than what can be told in a 10-episode season.

But Back to the Lesbians

Anyway, back to love. Specifically gay love. I wish I could put into simple words my obsession with Raelle and Scylla.

From the incredible chemistry that Taylor Hickson and Amalia Holm share on-screen together to the directors and writers who’ve portrayed their love story so magically, Raelle and Scylla are truly something special. They’ve taken the place of a ship this queer fandom lost when Lexa was killed. It’s a ship that you want to hate, because every part of this story tells me to hate Scylla. She’s Spree. She’s vindictive. She’s dangerous. Yet every part of my brain tells me to love her. And to love them together.

I don’t like easy stories. I want stories that make the ending worth it. I want hardships and pain and hurt and work when it comes to love. Which is why I like the story of Raelle and Scylla. There was a spark between them in their very first scene together- a spark you could feel through the TV. It was believable and real. They come from similar backgrounds of loss and solitude, and that’s what originally bound them together. And over the next seven episodes, we watched their relationship grow. We saw their vulnerabilities, their growth, their passion. But now we’re going to see the hardship. The pain, the anger, the betrayal.

I appreciate that they’re not skimping on telling any part of their story. The two are special together, and so far, this show has proved that.

She’s Special

I want to break down Raelle Collar before bringing up anything else, because, well, obviously she’s the main character, but she’s also got a lot going on. The fact that Raelle channels her power through something other than the typical ‘seed’ is something that will be of importance to why she’s so powerful. Petra Bellweather, herself, claims that Raelle’s mom, Willa, used unconventional methods that delivered incredible results. “She was the fixer every unit wanted to deploy with.”

While all witches in Basic Training are learning about utilizing their extra set of vocal cords to create magic songs, Raelle can do it in a way that’s reminiscent of where she grew up- Chippewa Cession. In the very first episode, she makes note that her family was there before it became a Cession. Aka, before the land was given to the Chippewa tribe in exchange for their magic.

Raelle comes from a line of witches that all have more unique abilities than what’s taught at Basic Training. She uses a combination of Native American spirituality/Christo-Paganism skills during her days at Fort Salem, which brings up questions (and judgment) from other witches. It seems as though that kind of magic was the way witches used to do things before Sarah Alder released her song into the world and created a vocalizing army with it. Raelle’s peers look disgusted when they see her still using the same ways witches once did. It’s particularly noticeable when she heals people, and recites Matthew 7:7, “Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” The entire theme of the Book of Matthew, in regards to Christianity, is about prayer. Asking and receiving. That God will provide you with what’s needed, and nothing more. But when it comes to Paganism, it’s about the law of attraction and return in our universe. It outlines that there is no life without balance - that all prayers can be answered, but they’ll be answered with things that are taken from elsewhere. All prayers almost have a consequence. Just like all magic has a consequence.

Raelle’s power, at least what she knows of it up until now, is based on a consensual balance, bringing the theme of Paganism’s Matthew 7:7 into the type of witchcraft she practices. She can heal someone, but what she heals them from will be transferred onto her. Balance. Consequence.

Bringing General Sarah Alder back into this, this is the same type of magic that she traded for back in the 1700’s when she granted the Chippewa Tribe the entire length of the Mississippi River. In exchange, she gained the magic that could keep her eternally young. But just like the magic that Raelle does, this age defying practice has consequences too, and requires balance. Every 50-60 additional years that General Alder adds on to her endless life, a young witch must be sacrificed to take on those years, and must stand by General Alder the rest of her short-lived life.

But where does the balance go?

Adil is such a great addition to the cast because he sheds a light on something so crucially ignored on campus. All magic has balance. This is teased throughout the season, like when General Alder hits turbulence on her way to The Hague and jokes (but not really jokes), “I assume I have one of you to blame for that.” Or how Raelle soaks up her ‘patients’ illness. But it’s not truly smacked in our faces until Adil says it.

As Abigail is flaunting her ability to *one day* “grind iron into ore and mountains into dust,” Adil drops a truth bomb on her. “All that weather you fight with has a cost. Floods. Failing crops. Famine. Every war, people starve.” She’s quick to reply that the good they do far outweighs the bad. But to who? Certainly not to Adil and his people. Meeting him is going to give our recruits a serious insight into just how consequential their ‘work’ can be. He’s going to play a crucial role in realizing how manipulative and egotistical General Alder has been.

Not only is weather an issue, but plagues. “Like the one attacking my sister.” Adil and Khalida come into the storyline because Khalida is sick with a deathly black webbing wrapped around her body. When they first make it to the Military Outpost (somewhere in the dessert between Russia and China?), the Soldier who meets them at the gate yells, “they’re here.” So were they expecting them?

Raelle eventually is the one who heals Khalida, (by using her Christo-pagan means) but instead of taking up the illness like it usually does, instead, it infects the giant mushroom that Raelle touched earlier.

The balance of Mother Mushroom.

I go back and forth between theories for the giant mushroom growing under Fort Salem. But today, I’m convinced the mushroom is attached to General Alder’s vitality. And consequently, the entire vitality of Fort Salem as well. In one episode, Berryessa reminds us that all life on campus is directly connected to Alder. And if what Scylla says in My Witches, that “life becomes death, which becomes life again,” is relative to the life on campus and how General Alder parallels that, then this theme of balance throughout the series is more prominent than we realize.

The giant mushroom living under campus is clearly important. It has hands and replicates faces and takes on diseases and Izadora is not a fan of anyone touching it. So yes, you could say this fungi is a main character now.

But. Why?

“In the kingdom of plants, mushrooms occupy the underworld. Nothing ever really dies.” Mushrooms have an entire underground network of language to one another. And they are responsible for the breakdown and decomposition of death so that organic matter can become something else. Necros have an obvious connection to this ecological process too, so they must have a connection to the continuous process that General Alder goes through to support and sustain life on her campus.

I think that the “Mother Mycelium” signifies each and every consequence that Fort Salem has accumulated. It holds the hurt and death and pain and regret of everything General Alder has created. And now that the Mushroom is infected with whatever plague Khalida had, I think it’s going to wreak havoc on Fort Salem. Magic is based on balance, and I think massive consequences are coming to make up for years of disparity.

One last thing on my mushroom-thoughts, is when Helen Graves said “the dead make excellent eyes and ears.” An underground network of mushrooms all connected to recently dead organisms would certainly be a great way to gain insight too. Scylla mentions that she needs something recently dead to grow her deathcap, so does this Mushroom need to be constantly “fed” with death to continue the creation of life?

Does Alder know about that? Are the mass-murders that the Spree are doing related to this? Killing hundreds of people at a time would definitely be a good way to keep the mushroom o’ death fed. Is Alder behind the Spree!?

Sexy Weird

Speaking of Spree... Can we talk Scylla now? First of all, what the hell is this girl’s timeline? When we first meet her, she’s a cadet (second year) in War College already, meaning she would’ve had to enlist on Conscription Day the year before Raelle. Yes? In Mother Mycelium, we see that she *might* (still don’t believe it) have been the person behind that first Spree attack on Conscription Day of this year (so when Raelle, Tally, and Abigail enlisted), so was she at Basic Training for an entire year before deciding to become Spree? Did she enlist knowing that she would eventually be Spree? Does this ever get addressed in the show?

Since we’re here, I might as well say there’s no way Scylla did that. I’ll never believe it. And I’m using my one semester of Greek Mythology in college to tell you why (who knew that class would eventually come in handy)

In My Witches, when Tally, Abigail, and Glory first meet Scylla, Tally makes it clear that ‘Scylla’ is a Greek name. Okay. Greek. Cool. Mythology. Let’s go. I already knew that Eliot Laurence doesn’t waste any minute of screen time when it comes to plot development and storytelling, so my meta brain did a little digging.

In Greek Mythology, Scylla was a sea-monster who haunted the rocks of a very narrow strait, opposite of the whirlpool of Charybdis. The monster’s purpose was to lead ships and boats towards the whirlpool, which was lethal to all who attempted to pass. Scylla was used to lure boats towards Charybdis, but was never meant for actually destroying them. Scylla was a fear tactic, not a murderous monster. In poetry, it’s often said that Scylla isn’t a monster at all, just born into a monstrous family. In conclusion (from my 4 months of Freshman-level Greek Mythology and a little refreshment on Google) I think Scylla is simply being used to lure people to the Spree, but not actually doing the mass-murdering that is being shown in the episode.

What I do know is that Scylla Ramshorn is absolutely Amalia Holm. Mainly because I refuse to accept that Raelle is falling for the red head (sorry, red head). But also because at the end of the Pilot, when Scylla (in red head disguise) looked into the mirror, the balloon was her reflection, and it followed everything that she did. But in other scenes, when Scylla’s face is the normal Scylla face, she can see her own reflection. So the redhead girl is unimportant. Plus, IMDB says she never appears again this season...

We Are The Spree

As much as I hate to believe that Raelle’s mom (or Aunt!) is alive and leading the Spree, the connections between the two entities do add up. Both (Spree and Collar’s) are against the authority and power that the Witch Army has over populations of witches. They’re both against General Sarah Alder. I believe they both use spoken word magic rather than just vocalized magic. When the Spree carry out their attacks, they’re whispering words under their breath, not singing any song. Which is reminiscent of how the Collar’s do magic. Additionally, it would make sense as to why the Spree would want Scylla to bring them Raelle. And I still can’t get over the conversation between Raelle and Tally when Raelle explains her family’s combat charm. “A bowerbird’s foot. They love anything blue.”

Blue? Why. WHY.

Maybe Willa Collar was captured by the Spree? Or the Aunt was? Or the Spree needs Raelle to heal someone?

One last weird very unthought out theory goes with the other Biblical verse Raelle recites - Isaiah 43:2. “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” The fact that all Spree attacks have happened with something to do water- in the snow, at the pool, on a cruiseship. And the fact that the last line of that verse is literally, “you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” This type of witchcraft has to relate to how the Spree does magic. Right??

Now I’m re-talking myself into the fact that the Collar’s might be somehow leading Spree...

But who’s ‘we’?

If the Collar’s are in charge of Spree then this next theory would actually check out.

Anacostia has been a little more over-bearing with Raelle than any of the other girls. On multiple occasions, she’s said how Raelle is gifted. In fact, they all have. Even Abigail in Hail Beltane mentions that “Raelle didn’t go outside of canon, she’s naturally gifted.” They all know she’s gifted. It would make sense if the Collar’s were the ones running Spree, and that Anacostia, aka. General Alder’s head bitch, was sent to protect Raelle from ever joining them. Alder wants to capitalize on the powers that Raelle has, and keep them in the Witch Army.

But I also think Anacostia could be playing General Alder. There have been too many times where she stares at Alder just a little bit too intently, and I can’t stop thinking that she might be in some sort of rebellious group too. Maybe a certain cell of Spree?

Because you can’t deny that Anacostia has also taken in interest in Scylla, particular to keep her away from Raelle. When Anacostia first caught them flying high on Salva, she told Scylla to stay away from Raelle, and it seemed as though she (tried) to use some sort of coercion magic while doing so. When Anacostia then saw them together at the Bellweather wedding, she almost sounded shocked, “I expressly told you to stay away from her.” Did Anacostia attempt coercion magic on Scylla and it didn’t work? And if she did, why didn’t it work?

That entire exchange felt odd yet familiar. Like the two have history. “Your name wouldn’t have been on the list. You’re not supposed to be here.” Particularly the “you’re not supposed to be here.” Did Anacostia know about the attack on the Bellweather’s? And did she think it would be threatened with Scylla there? Or did she know that Scylla was supposed to bring Raelle to the Spree at 6pm. And was sent to make sure Scylla never completed that task.

I found it interesting that Anacostia was never seen fighting off the balloons like every other Witch was when they appeared. And her being at the actual wedding felt odd too. Especially if she’s General Alder’s right-hand (wo)man, because last time I checked, Alder and Petra Bellweather weren’t on the greatest terms. In fact, none of the General’s are on great terms with Alder.

Since we’re now on Bellweather season...

Camarilla. No, not Carmilla.

There’s certainly a second threat in this show. And they were the ones behind the attack at the Bellweather’s. Not only has this already been proven by Jessica Sutton on Twitter (lols) but the clues were literally all there. They didn’t use any magic to fight. They had to use a mechanized sound machine to stop Abigail and Petra from using their powers. Then they covered themselves with gasoline and lit themselves on fire before the mother-daughter duo blew them away. It wasn’t Spree. But it was meant to look like Spree. And I think the balloons were simply a distraction, so all efforts and power would be outside fighting off the balloons while the civilian waiter’s could attack.

But who is doing this?

It’s been brought up that there are alot of humans who don’t agree with the Witch Army that Alder leads. Even the President of the United States is hesitant about them. “You, too, are bound by rule of law to the will of the American people, who have elected me to represent their interests and protect them. Don’t you forget it. Or you may find yourself reminded.” Then Tally gets confronted later in that episode by a civilian who says, “It’s witches who are committing these attacks. It’s your kind of people .” And then even later in the series, there’s talk of a “growing debate in congress to revoke the Accord and disband the army.” So you could say there are definite opinions about this Army by civilians.

In A Biddy’s Life, there’s a shot when Raelle and Scylla are in the room with weapons once used to kill witches. There’s an undeniably important shot of the Camarilla Scythe. Camarilla, itself, is defined as a small group of people acting as private advisers to a ruler or politician with a shared and nefarious purpose to carry out secret plots.

Since civilians are the ones that are most opposed to the Witch Army, it makes sense that maybe the President, herself, is the one behind these attacks. She’s trying to take down the most Elite of the Witches (the Bellweather’s), hence inhibiting the Army from being as successful as it’s been in the past. And what better way than to kill the most elite witches of child-bearing age.

While this theory checks out, I can’t help but to also think that Petra Bellweather could be behind the attacks. I know, it’s a stretch, (specifically because it’s her own family that’s being targeted) but I do love that ‘good powers, bad people’ trope. And what better way to make sure nobody questions your efforts if you’re the last one they’d suspect? Petra Bellweather has been itching to boot Alder from head witch honcho for awhile. Since killing Bellweather’s is the ultimate attack against witches, this would be a great strategy to showcase that Alder is inept in dealing with these enemies, creating a fall in power. And eventually, a rise in another. A Bellweather.

Okay, I know what you’re all probably thinking. “So you’re saying that she wanted her own daughter killed!?” Not necessarily. When you watch Bellweather Season, and specifically the wedding scenes, they put an insane emphasis on timing. And I don’t believe that that’s just because of Scylla trying to get Raelle out of there by 6pm. When you watch the sequence back, the Bellweather Unit was supposed to be having their interview with the Dean of War College, starting at 5:30ish. If the interview took a good bit, say 30-45 minutes, this would strategically put Abigail not in the line of fire (aka Charvel’s room) at 6pm when they struck.

But on the complete other hand, Abigail was supposed to be up with Charvel at that time helping her get ready. Meaning if it wasn’t Petra Bellweather, someone perfectly timed both Bellweather’s of childbearing age to conveniently be in the same place at the same time.

Then the fact that Scylla was meant to leave with Raelle at 6pm (the exact moment the waiter’s and balloons struck), can’t go unnoticed. Did they want her to leave with Raelle at 6pm because the Spree knew about the attack? Did someone warn them? Does this explain why Anacostia was shocked to see Scyalla. “You’re not supposed to be here.” Why wasn’t she supposed to be there????

I’m just going to tap out of this theory now.

But One More Thing

This might be a totally aggressive theory, and I have to credit the initial spark of this idea to my girlfriend, because during my 67th rewatch of this show, she brought up something I’d never thought of before. She asked me what Scylla’s purpose of attending the wedding was, and if the person she was supposed to bring to Penelope Road at 6pm really was Raelle?

This got thinkING. What if it was someone else???

When you look back at all the times Scylla spends talking to her balloon mirror, they never actually say Raelle’s name. Sure, we’re meant to believe that Raelle is the obvious target. But what if that’s a cover?? What if she’s using Raelle to infiltrate something else and get to someone else??

It would make sense to use Raelle to target Abigail instead- an elite Bellweather. Like I said, this is a very unlikely theory but it would definitely be a shock to literally everyone (except my girlfriend apparently)...

Has the entirety of the show been leading us down a path to distract us from something else going on!? With every other ounce of brilliance here, I wouldn’t even doubt it.

In Conclusion

I went into this show expecting to be seen and represented as a queer woman, but what I actually got was so much more. What I got from this show is the realization that me being queer doesn’t have to have anything to do with me being a woman at all. My strength, and will, and mistakes, and growth, and grace, and support, and passion, are what make me a woman. Each of our stories are deserving enough to be told just because we are women.

I’ve struggled with that fact my entire life - my womanhood.

Femininity, feminism, and female empowerment are all things I’ve only recently connected with. I was raised in the culture of traditional gender roles. My dad went to work and my mom stayed home. It’s not that I was necessarily taught that men and women must occupy those roles; it’s just that’s all I knew. To even further confuse my adolescent existentialism, not only was my mother a stay-at-home mom, she was also in the Marine Corps. And she never really understood the fact that not all women are as strong as she is.

My mom’s a badass, don’t get me wrong. She’s one of my hero’s. She came from a family who didn’t have much, and after realizing that she couldn’t afford to go to college, she enlisted instead. Six years later, she went to Penn State on a full-ride. She’s worked for every ounce of success that she’s seen, and she’s worked her ass off for it. But because of that, she struggles with the idea of feminism.

I can’t blame her too much. I understand the mindset she’s coming from. Growing up with that being instilled in my mind was hard though. Because it was expected that I, too, grow up to be a strong independent woman.

I graduated in the predominantly male industry of agriculture (I want to be a farmer, okay!?). All through college, grad school, and post-grad school, I worked on farm after farm after farm. And it was there that I was introduced to the idea of toxic masculinity. I tolerated comments that I won’t even say out loud. I’ve “accidentally” been touched in more ways than I care to count. And what I hate the most about it all, is that I fucking tolerated it. I’d laugh it off, and then I’d walk away, mortified at what I’d actually just put up with. And while by no means do I blame my upbringing and home life on this, I do blame the upbringing and home life on the female characters I saw on television. If Brooke Davis was constantly and overly sexualized in high school then I guess I was supposed to, too. Right??

Sure, I still hear comments that I wish I didn’t. But I’m also surrounded by people and characters who taught me to never put up with the shit I once did. Female characters are portraying a storyline that people take more seriously now. They’re persevering. And that jumps off the screen in Motherland: Fort Salem.

It’s taken me a while to realize how Raelle and Scylla have affected me as much as Clakre and Lexa did (two characters who literally awakened my sexuality). But I think I get it now.

I love both Raelle and Scylla. Each one. Individually. As witches. As warriors. As females. As humans. As strong female characters. So, in a way, watching this show has awakened something else in me that I’ve also been suppressing all along. My femininity. My strength. My perseverance.

Sure, Raelle and Scylla are my favorite ship right now, but it wasn’t them being together that made me fall in love with this show. Oddly enough, it was them being apart. It’s the fact that each one stands on her own as a unique and beautifully complicated story. And it’s the fact that I, too, am deserving of a beautifully complicated story.

Last Section, I Swear

Motherland: Fort Salem is a magical mix of intense story building, relatable character development, and fascinating cinematography, all while being told through a gender and sexuality normative opposite of what we’re used to seeing. It’s a show that encompasses female strength unlike anything I’ve experienced before, where men are the background noise who aid in pushing the plot forward. It’s a show that deserves another season. And another and another and another and another.

It’s a show I needed ten+ years ago, at 18 years old, freshly out of high school and wondering why the fuck I never had crushes on guys like everyone else my age did. It’s the show I needed so I didn’t always wonder why I was so obsessed with Peyton Sawyer and Summer Roberts and why I was the only one I knew who thought Torrance and Missy should’ve ended up together. It’s the show I needed to learn that my femininity doesn’t make me any less tough than my male counterparts. It’s the show I needed so I never put up with anyone’s shit. It’s the show I needed to teach me that I am storm and I am fury.

It’s the show I needed then. But it’s also the show I’m so happy that I have now.

#motherlandfortsalem #motherland fort salem #raylla #clexa #motherland fort salem theory #scylla ramshorn #scylla #raelle #raelleandscylla #raelle collar #lgbtq #this is so long i'm so sorry #abigail bellweather #tally craven

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shravanya · 4 years

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Okay, so this is history. My first ever movie of yours.

Sravani di is the only person cuz of whom I could have watched it. So all my love goes to her first, for giving me a unique experience. The movie has been a roller-coaster ride where I experienced a lot of emotions, which might not be related to the exact meaning of the lyrics, but then we have the freedom to interpret it in any which way we want to! That's the beauty of your songs, and you give us that freedom! I cried a lot in the first half of the movie bcz most of the songs sung in the first half are my favourite.

To begin with The 1 is a song which tbh didn't stir any emotion, it just began and ended.

Next up was Cardigan, and I suddenly sat serious, concentrating on the melody and I increased the volume and got emotional with tears rolling down, and proud because it's the first song you released and the videography, lyrics and everything about is just so perfect! Leaving like a father for me is literal, and I love the entire Verse 3 the most - But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss... I mean I could play this verse just forever.

Illicit Affairs gave me goosebumps! Your high notes for certain words at the end of each line sounds extremely melodious and renders bliss!

I cried when August played. It's one of my favourites and is also my birthday month so I sort of feel special whenever I listen to it. You told about naming the girl Augusta or Augustin and I wish you did! All the while I had the exact opposite perception about the storyline until you spoke that she's the one James cheats on Betty with. The bridge, oh my god. Again that gives me chills! I can play just the bridge on loop forever! You were so happy while singing it, and when I got to know you composed it I was like there goes my Taylor!

Seven is the song in which I cried inconsolably, not just because of the melody, but the lyrics. I identify myself as the girl with the braided hair, rough childhood, and a mad dad. I also relate with Please picture me in the weeds before I learn civility which implies that I don't want to live in a city where there's rat race. You mention my country India and that also makes this song special. Also I remember you saying how children create nuisance while at store, "throw cereal at my mom" made me laugh so bad.

Okay now here comes my favourite Mirrorball! It's my all time favourite and I relate to the lyrics in a completely different way. I shed tears when you talked about how we all are sort of hypocrites and behave in different ways in front of different people. I was told once that it's like I wear a mask, and it broke me, to think of myself as double faced. But you negated that and now I feel myself. So I read the lyrics of the song before it became the 'song on repeat' and I could identify myself as the girl who's ready to do anything to make the love of her life notice her. I again absolutely fell for the bridge, that's something I sing with intense emotions.

This Is Me Trying is a song where you talk about mental health, and it made me super proud, being a psychology student.

Invisible Strings - I love it. I just fkn love it! I mean this is the only song which is the most positive of all, both by melody and lyrics! And whenever it's played, I feel overly cheerful! The strings render an innocent feeling in the bosom, and the lyrics are super cute! I love every single line, and the waitress line is so funny! And you mention the colour Teal, which is again my favourite!

In The Last Great American Dynasty, you told about how country music begins by telling a story and the central character turns out to be the singer himself/herself! That's an interesting fact! You said that you wanted this song to fit in some album that's relevant to telling stories, and that's such a carefully devised plan! I was just imagining how excited you would have felt when you would have figured that the album is folklore!

While singing Mad Woman, the way you said - fuck you, I totally felt you, and could empathise when you explained about the prevalent male mistreatment. You were just so savage there! I have always respected you for speaking up against Patriarchy, you go Taylor!

My Tears Ricochet is again a powerful and bold song, and I love how it sort of brings out the woman in me! It too feels like a Feminist song, and the ooh ooh part gives me creeps! It sounds ghostly tbh, and it's like sort of a revengeful song so it totally emits those vibes!

You made an entire song - Epiphany - for your grandpa, and that just makes me hug you! They usually compose songs about lovers, friends, family which mainly consists of parents and siblings, but you focused on your grandpa, that itself brought tears to my eyes and then you also said that it's not just about him but also the doctors with shifts, etc. It's the only song that sort of makes me feel it's the closest to describe the covid situation.

When you asserted that James in Betty is a fool, no he's a fool, I laughed. Betty is a name that I find relatable cuz back when I used to read Archie comics in childhood, Betty was my favourite.

Peace and Hoax again are not the songs I would listen to, but I noticed you cutely you said that you just like the word with the 'x'

My god, what can I say about Exile. Taylor, do you know you made me fkn cry with the ending - Aa Aa, which isn't there in the original song of the album. Tbh, it wouldn't have been on my Playlist if Sravani di wouldn't have told me that it's her favourite. My god, I even pinned a post about it on Twitter and Tumblr! That few seconds part has been on loop since days, and makes me cry and sink in. It's the only song that I prefer listening to than the original, from the Long Pond Studio album.

The Lakes, oh my god Taylor. You just went so poetic there! I mean it legit sounded like a song made in the 18th century! I have always loved the British Victorian era and stuff, and that song exactly delivers that feeling! It's been on repeat since I heard it in the movie. And it's sounds like the last puzzle piece or something and it's so explicitly mysterious, and you talking about running away so casually, that gave me chills tbh. Whatever you do, wherever you wanna run away to, just don't stop being a queen and never leave us.

P.S.- Thank you for being my unofficial therapist Taylor, I love you.

#taylor swift #folklore #long pond studio sessions #disney plus

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tillidontneedfantasy · 4 years

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‘WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO?’ - Billie Eilish REVIEW: Making ‘Em Bow One By One

WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO?

An interesting question you pose there, Billie. When I fall asleep, I usually dream about being a part of the Harry Potter universe and trying to defeat Voldemort with the golden trio. But unfortunately, I don’t go there every night. I mean, believe me, fighting off The Dark Lord can be scary sometimes. But sometimes I go to even darker places, and it always takes a few moments when waking up to believe I’m really in my bed. Much of Billie Eilish’s debut album invites you into the dark parts of her subconscious, and sometimes her extreme consciousness, to which she goes. Of course, “asleep” could also be interpreted as, well, dead. Which is a nice way to phrase it. Ideal, really. How wonderful would it be if death was just an eternal nap? No one would ever be afraid to die.

Maybe that’s what Billie believes it is, and why she seems so desperate to go there on WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO? (WWAFA,WDWG?) For a then-16-year-old girl, I wish she wasn’t so tired. “ilomilo,” “bury a friend” and most concerning, “listen before I go,” explore her friends who have been taken from her, and her desire to join them. I’m glad she hasn’t.

So is she. In a now traditional Vanity Fair video, Billie answers the same interview questions three years in a row, exactly a year apart. Expect The Fourth Year one October 18th, 2020. It is one of the most fascinating videos I have ever watched. Though the same at the core, there is a different version of Billie in each year. Which is to be expected, as she is a teenager in the limelight. But the video of year 2, which was around 5 months prior to WWAFA,WDWG?’s release, Billie openly admits to being in a very dark place, discussing how her friend had died. Her posture and affect are noticeably different in years 1 and 3. In the third and latest installment, Billie is an upgraded, happier and more comfortable version of the previous two. You can hear the change in her voice, see it in her face. In response to the question, “What’s most important to you right now?” her answer is, “Maintaining my happiness, which I have been experiencing for the first time in many years….I wanna stay happy. That’s a big goal for me.”

Billie Eilish is one of the biggest breakout stars of the past few years. Her following is enormous, and though fans vary in age, many of them fall in her cohort. Generation Z is special in many ways: morbidly funny, proudly outspoken, self-aware, and unafraid to be different. Billie Eilish is all of these things incarnate, the perfect spearhead for this generation and what they represent. She dresses how she wants to dress and makes the kind of music that she wants to make, refusing to follow the molded expectations of young up and coming female stars before her. In that music, she also does what very few artists, young or old, have ever done: candidly explores mental illness and suicidal ideation.

These issues have become more and more prevalent in today’s society, yet they are still extremely stigmatized. Like many teenagers, I experienced the sadness and darkness Billie is singing about. I’m almost 25 now, but I can imagine how 15-year-old Cass would feel hearing this album and seeing Billie as she is in the third year of that Vanity Fair interview. Understood. Not alone. And hopeful, hopeful that things get better. At that age you feel like everything is the end of the world, because it is developmentally and socially some of the most difficult years in the human experience. And to hear someone you look up to say, “I feel this way, too,” and then see them continue fighting, and happy that they did...that can change someone’s life.

Thankfully, Billie still injects some levity into the album. The musical hook in “bad guy” feels like a defining moment for Gen Z the way the musical hook in “Toxic” was for us Millennials. “all the good girls go to hell” unflinchingly decrees that God Is A Woman™, and “my strange addiction” has cuts from The Office, Eilish’s favorite show, interspersed throughout the song. Gen Z is taking over, and Billie’s one hell of a ringleader.

STRONGEST TRACK(S): “i love you,” “xanny”

The phrase “I love you” has never felt so intimate as it does coming from Billie’s mouth in the penultimate track on WWAFA,WDWG? Sandwiched between two tracks where all together they form a sentence (listen before I go, I love you, goodbye) "i love you" is the most mesmerizing and most vulnerable, not just of the three but of the whole album. As a listener, you are dying to know what's hidden between the lines. Why doesn't she want to love this person even though she clearly does? What did she do to make him cry? Why are you, the listener, crying right now? With the smallest breath, the quietest whisper, the emotion Eilish emits is enormous. Every once in a while you hear a song that you feel will never leave you, and “i love you” has all the makings to be everlasting.

As does the message in “xanny,” a dynamic song that mostly sounds like an old-time jazz track, although infuses a blaring noise over the chorus, as if you are standing right next to the booming stereo at the party setting in which she speaks. The layering of hums in the background and at the end of the song provides a necessary subtle softness, making it all the more beautiful. The track is a statement from Eilish that she has no interest in the lifestyle that so many kids her age- famous or not- lead, partly because she does not understand the appeal of its effects, and partly because she does not want to invest herself in someone willingly bringing harm upon themself, as she previously has. “I can’t afford to love someone who isn’t dying by mistake,” she asserts. Of course, most things in moderation are good and fine, but there is an ever-persistent pressure for young people to use substances, for easier social interactions or easier claim to desirable social status. There is a plethora of music out there promoting the party lifestyle, but very few saying, “hey, it’s okay if you’re not about this, you’re still cool,” and so a celebrity as big as Billie abstaining from it, and providing a reasonable explanation, gives a figure of understanding and solidarity to all the outliers.

WEAKEST TRACK: “8”

Not a bad song by any means, “8” is just the least memorable on an album filled with extremely intriguing and standout tracks. There is an interesting choice of vocal styles that alternate throughout, one of which it sounds as if Eilish is emulating the voice of a little girl. She is asking the subject to just give her some common courtesy and hear her out. "Who am I to be in love / when your love never is for me?" she asks, in the most compelling moment of the song. It is a difficult line to walk, knowing someone doesn't owe you anything but wanting them to anyway. Although the song is effective, its replay value doesn't quite match with the other contenders.

THE IN-BETWEENS

Although Eilish is authentic in her own right, you can see the draw of inspiration from unique artists before her. Lorde's imprint is all over "you should see me in a crown," a catchy song about ruling the world and making everyone bow down to her with the sound of a knife sharpening at the top, and “listen before i go” is reminiscent of Lana Del Rey’s morose romances. “when the party’s over,” written solely by Billie’s brother, collaborator, and best friend, Finneas O’Connell, is a beautifully quiet moment in the middle of the album, with absolutely gorgeous high notes from Billie. The song is succinct and poignant, noting the inner conflict between wanting a friend to be more than just that and yet feeling the need to keep up boundaries to protect your heart; but when has that done anyone any good?

BEST PROSPECTIVE SINGLE: “my strange addiction”

In the age of Netflix, The Office continues to grow in popularity with younger viewers who missed it on air. Who better to bolster the movement than Verified The Office super fan, Billie Eilish? In “my strange addiction,” Eilish and O’Connell draw inspiration from the classic episode, “Threat Level Midnight,” where Michael Scott (Steve Carrell) has finally finished his movie and is ready to premiere it to the office. In his movie, Scott’s character, Michael Scarn, teaches the entire bar how to do his signature dance, “The Scarn.” “No, Billie, I haven’t done that dance since my wife died!” the song begins, which is a real line from the episode. “my strange addiction” borrows from the track for “The Scarn,” which is simply genius. Everyone is doing “The Scarn,” fictional or nonfictional, even NFL player Trey Quinn, who did the famed routine for his touchdown dance. Not only will “my strange addiction” convert The Office fans to Billie Eilish fans, but just imagine the amount of TikToks there could be of people doing “The Scarn” to this song…think about the meme potential, Billie! *Ed Helms voice* There’s a whole crowd of people out there who need to learn how to do the “my strange addiction.”

*****

Billie Eilish, and her debut album, WWAFA,WDWG? is impressive in a multitude of ways: she is raw, candid, silly, wildly intelligent, and most importantly, full of a lot of love, no matter how much she claims she does not want to be. Perhaps most impressive is that the only writers and producers credited on this album are Eilish and O’Connell, ages 18 and 22, respectively, at the time of this review, yet 17 and 21 at the time of its release, which means they were 16 and 20 at the time of writing and production. For two young people to create such an impactful album on such a massive scale on their own is a rarity, and has not been seen since the beginning of Taylor Swift’s career, and look at where she is now. Billie’s music might be different, but her trajectory seems quite similar. At Billboard’s Women in Music ceremony in December of 2019, Swift was honored with Woman of the Decade while Eilish was honored with Woman of the Year. Both artists paid homage to the other in their speeches, harkening back to Swift’s 2014 Woman of the Year speech where she alludes to a future Woman of the Year recipient learning piano and singing in choir; Swift had said back then that we need to take care of her, and Eilish tearfully thanked the room for doing just that. As Swift continues to fight against the system to pave the way for female artists, the clearing is all Billie’s. If Billie continues to maintain ownership of her voice, as I’m sure she will, it looks like the woman of the next decade is a lock. The crown looks great on Billie, and I cannot wait to see where she takes us while we’re all awake. Grade: 4.5/5

DISCLAIMER – REVIEWER’S BIAS: The first time I listened to WWAFA,WDWG? the only tracks that really captured my attention were “bad guy” and “my strange addiction.” I wanted to like it so bad, but I felt like I was missing something. Maybe that’s because I listened to the album at work and did not take it in properly. But I also felt like she was whispering too much, which made it difficult for me to stay interested. So I did not revisit it. However, over this past year, despite not listening to her music, I started to form a big-sister-type love for Billie, feeling as if I must protect her at all costs (any man over the age of like, 20, reading this: stay the fuck away from her you sickos!!!). I loved how she embraced her individuality and did whatever she wanted. I watched many interviews of her on YouTube (one being the Vanity Fair one, where she talks about how the criticism that she whispers a lot is hurtful yet true- Billie, I’m sorry!!) and found her to be so intelligent. To me, her and Taylor Swift (my number one love) are two sides of the same coin, or two paths to the same destination. What I mean by that is that as a lover of music and as a girl going through a difficult time, sometimes you need positivity to counteract the negative feelings, other times you need to lean into the sadness to release it all; though they both possess a bit of both, Taylor is more of the positive route, Billie more of the sad route. The thing is, you need both options. Billie reminds me of Taylor so much; she writes all of her own music (with her brother as her only co-writer), she has blown up at such a young and vulnerable age (if WWAFA,WDWG? wins AOTY at the Grammys, Billie will be the youngest ever recipient since Taylor won for Fearless at the age of 20), and she is committed to saying and doing what she wants to do the way she wants to do it. After listening to the album a few more times leading up to the Grammys to write this review, I get it. I truly get it. I’m sorry it took so long. And although her super soft vocals are definitely effective, I still want her to project more. The girl has a gorgeous voice; she should use it! But also she doesn’t need my advice, she’s doing fine. Keep whispering, baby girl. I feel very nervous for Billie, because when a woman reaches the top this quickly, everyone gets ready to push her off just as fast, and the fall can be fatal. But I believe in her ability to stand her ground. Please protect Billie at all costs!!!!

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kjackartblog · 4 years

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WORK SHEET MBUS ARTISTS TALKS

Name of Individual: Liz Rodda

Who is this person?

Rodda is Associate Professor of Studio Art: Texas State School of Art and Design. After looking at her art and hearing her in the artist talk I didn’t know how or even if her art could be categorized. Did not know what “Expanded Media” was but glad to learn. So now I know Liz Rodda is an Expanded Media Artist.

What do they do?

Expanded media, Installation, digital media like combining all these things and video and audio. Performance, socially engaged projects.

What did they talk about?

Rodda started out discussing how we are now forced to communicate, how people are now in relation to one another. In relation like how far apart we must stand. She showed pictures of people standing 6 ft apart because of the virus. How that space making us structures and being a structure in its self almost. Then she got into talking about some of her video and audio work. I went to her site and re watched.The first video was Death Drive. This is when she talked about a feeling of Life and Death along with self-preservation and who is in control and who isn’t. She talked a bit about that chick who got famous for licking an airplane toilet seat and how that is like seeking immortality through fame. Talked about Dissociation when it comes to choosing her clips. When she talked about her piece “Slow Dazzle”, she talks about mixing urban life with audio. Elastic was her last video she showed and I think I wish she would have talked more about it, maybe she did and maybe I was just still taken back by the visual and hard cuts. So I would say she definitely provoked something with that work. She talks about Her installation pieces as well like her piece Clockwise, involving a yoga mat and a plaster rock containing perfume. The time went by so quick; I wish I had understood the whole of the piece at the time but I ended up checking out her site. There I found that it wasn’t just the yoga mat and rock, there were paintings on the walls made with cough syrup. Combining all these things give many associations.

Describe their working process?

Searching through clips and audio. Listens to podcasts. She talks about certain choices to make pieces that are challenging/provocative. Then when she has collected what she needs for her intended concept (the material, media, or other) to combine she creates something that would not exist in the pieces separately. Rodda explained that the scale, how its viewed and so on all depends on her deciding if her piece need to be seen by one person or a large audience. Sometimes she does video conferences and has to choose how to present her work in that arena. She talks about how she has less control of how long or how many people view her pieces in a gallery setting.

Describe their philosophy?

From what I gather, could be wrong, she takes her philosophy like how she deals with her art process, taking from many outlets such as: early feminist writings, to Freud, Aristotle, Plato, and Performance culture in America. She talked about Death and Life as well, and the thoughts of Darwin like Self Preservation and how it connects to self destruction.

Did you enjoy this speaker? Why or Why not?

Yes, I enjoyed Liz Rodda. Her work was provoking, she thinks out of the box and wants to convey a thought in her unique artistic fashion. She was genuine and having innovative leaders in art like her give me hope for the future. Though, I feel I’m not a very picky person and I’m very openminded, these are not qualities of an art critic, not sure. All I know is that I wish I wasn’t so emotionally shaken from trying to get connected to the talk, to actually calm down and really enjoy and not take for granted that she took time to share with us.

Did they speak well both on presentation and content?

Yes. I think that she especially handled being on webcam and presenting that way very well. Maybe one day there will be a chance to experience her work and an artist talk in person.

What new information did you gain?

Like I said in the first question, had no idea there was a form of art called Expanded Media. Its very self-explanatory name for an art that uses a variety of media.

What else did they talk about?

She also discussed some personal history along with how she is exploring paintings stills from found videos.

Quote something of interest?

The addition of Elizabeth Taylor perfume into the plaster rock I found interesting. “The invisible element that completes the piece”.

IF APPLICABLE, WHAT QUESTION DID YOU ASK?

I tried but I couldn’t get my microphone to work, it kept blocking me. I was going to ask if she finds the inspiration through watching the clips and gathering other material or does she have a pre-intention and has to search for something that tells that concept, or both or neither?

#artisttalkworksheet

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colorsinautumn · 5 years

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I just wanna speak about Soon You’ll Get Better from a place of being able to relate to it so I hope I’m not overstepping, gonna put this under a cut cause I know this is a hard song for a lot of people to listen to. It’s gonna be a bit all over the place. I really haven’t seen much actual discussion about the song (it doesn’t really call for it but I hope to bring some understanding to it for those who can’t relate and I hope you never do).

To begin I kinda wanna start with “desperate people find faith”. Taylor defines herself as one of those desperate people. Andrea was re-diagnosed at some and I’m sure Taylor was probably living with some fears in the back of her head but she wasn’t worrying much anymore and I can’t imagine how much it must’ve crushed her to find it had come back at some point last year or whenever. I think this where her desperation really began because back in 2015, she wanted to be and transparent with us but the real serious fear kicked in here. Soon You’ll Get Better is about something ongoing in her life, like everyday she wakes up with this fear that she could lose or her condition will get worse and it tears me up because I just get it. You desperately start to look for something to hold on to and put your faith into that they’ll get better because you can’t rely on hope alone. She needed something to make her feel better at night so she began praying quite literally.

“And I hate to make this all about me, but who am i supposed to talk too, what am I supposed to do, if there’s no you?” I think when you’re worried about losing someone, you make it all about how am I supposed to live without you? You can’t go, and all of those different things and here Taylor is just pleading for an answer from someone. Taylor’s always been open about how much she loves her mom. Literally I have never seen such a close relationship between a mother and her daughter before, constantly being apart of her career every night and watching her day in and out from the very beginning. It’s so vulnerable. I think this lyric is one of the most deep and vulnerable fears Taylor has ever shared and you can really hear that it tears her up to even think about it.

Lastly “this won’t go back to normal, if it ever was”. Going through events like this in life really shape who you are at your core. There’s no going back to how things once were. You move on into the future having learned from the experience and grown because of it with a new and deeper appreciation for a life and with whatever unique lessons you learned. “It’s been years of hoping and I keep saying it because I have to” Taylor refuses to give up. There’s really no other option here for her here because there’s so much yet so little she can do to actually help her get better. She can be there for her every step of the day, make her day better in any and all ways possible cause it’s all she can do. So much of this is out of her hands and it just wrecks me to think about how she wish she could just take this away from her mom and make her better.

Oh! One more thing. “The buttons on your coat were tangled in my hair”. I think Taylor was laying/leaning on Andrea when they went the doctor. She stuck so close to her that first time they went in together. I always thought that she was wearing her jacket but it never made sense to me. They were right beside each other and Taylor had her head resting on her. Fuck.

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lovemooreandco · 5 years

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World Breastfeeding Week

For world breastfeeding week we wanted to ask a few moms a handful of questions to share with you, a spectrum of experiences with breast-feeding. Every experience can be unique, but we can all find some common ground and learn from one another. It really can vary not only from mother to mother, but also from baby to baby. I hope our responses can help someone feel confident in whatever choice they make, that best works for their family, when it comes to breastfeeding.

Are you currently nursing/pumping? (If yes, explain how long. If no, how long did you and share your story on stopping if you’d like to)

Michelle “I am currently both nursing and pumping. She only eats from a bottle when she is with her grandma a few days a week while I’m at work. Otherwise it’s straight from the booby :) I plan to breastfeed Hazel until Phil and I start trying for our second kid, that’s when I’ll start to wean her off of it (so in about 2 years)”

Anna “I am currently still nursing 6-month-old Copeland. It has been one of the hardest and most rewarding experiences of my life. I have definitely wanted to give up several times and haven’t, but I completely understand why women get to a point where keeping their sanity takes precedence over breastfeeding. I wish moms had more grace for themselves when it comes to feeding their babies.”

Cortney “I am not currently breastfeeding or pumping. I pumped for six months, but with three kiddos, it became exhausting. I loved producing milk for my youngest, but it took so much time away from the other two. It was an endless cycle of pump, feed, change, wash the pumping supplies & bottle, then repeat.”

Taylor “I am currently nursing, and I pump when I need to be away from the baby. I’m a SAHM, so I just nurse on demand. I have been nursing since May 2017 when I had my first son, and have nursed through having my now 8 month old.”

Katie “I am Breastfeeding my baby. In the beginning, I was pumping a lot to try to up my supply but, it really is true that the more you latch the baby the more you will produce because the baby nursing regulates milk than a pump ever will”

Jourdan “I am currently nursing my 6 month old Daughter. I pumped for 2-3 months with my Son, and then switched to formula.”

Did your baby latch right away?

Michelle “My entire pregnancy I had heard a lot of stories about how challenging breastfeeding can be so this was always my biggest fear. But about 10-15 minutes after Hazel was born my midwife asked me if I was ready to try to nurse her. I can’t tell you how ecstatic I was when she latched right away!”

Anna “Oh yeah. But he was tongue tied and had a shallow latch for the first 4 months, so it hurt like hell for the first 30 seconds of each feeding.”

Cortney “He latched right away, but he had a hard time staying latched, which led me to pumping.”

Taylor “I wouldn’t say they latched immediately like ‘people’ say they will. They both did, however, nurse within a few hours of birth.”

Katie “My baby did, thank god!”

Jourdan “My daughter latched pretty well from the get go. My son had more trouble from the start, which made me give up quickly. They both have significant lip ties.”

If you saw a lactation consultant, did you find them helpful?

Michelle “I’ve only visited a lactation consultant once and it was just to get a few questions answered about pumping. I personally didn’t find her that helpful, but I think it was my own fault. I knew absolutely nothing about pumping so going in I didn’t even know what questions I should have been asking. I felt very much in the dark about all of this so my advice to anyone who might find themselves in a similar situation is to do a quick google search on the topic to at least learn the basics, and then from there you can develop your own questions to ask the professional.”

Anna “Absolutely. When you’re a first time mom, learning to breastfeed forces you to be physically and emotionally vulnerable. I never imagined I’d have another woman literally holding my breast and feeding my baby with it. Good consultants understand that breastfeeding doesn’t “come naturally” like everyone says it does, and they can give you practical ways to be successful. I have called my consultant bawling, and she doesn’t bat an eye.”

Cortney “I tried & tried with a lactation consultant, but I never could get him to latch properly.”

Taylor “I did, and I did find it helpful. I had questions they were able to answer.”

Katie “Although it did come into my head a lot to hire a lactation consultant, in the beginning, since my supply was low and not enough to fill my babies appetite, which is why I had to supplement with formula, I did not hire a lactation consultant”

Jourdan “I did not see a lactation consultant outside of the hospital, but took advantage of the ones provided during my stay. I was really frustrated with the consultants during my first postpartum experience. They rubbed me the wrong way, and I think that may have contributed some to my decision to pump vs. continuing to try and get him to latch. The consultants in my second experience were very lovely and I felt more comfortable asking questions and being vulnerable in front of them.”

One struggle with breastfeeding would be:

Michelle “My biggest struggle with breastfeeding so far would be when Hazel is going through a leap. During her leaps she has a hard time focusing on just one thing which then frustrates her. So she will nurse for a few seconds and then she comes off and screams for a few seconds, then latches again... the. entire. time 😭”

Anna “It can be mentally exhausting. You want to be capable of nourishing your baby with your body, like it was designed to do. If you fail, it’s easy to jump to dramatic conclusions and feel like a failure. Not to mention keeping it together when a hungry baby is screaming in your face.”

Cortney “Getting a strong latch. I have larger nipples, which made it very difficult. Once he was big enough to actually latch, he was used to the bottle nipples & preferred them.”

Taylor “I think the first two weeks are the biggest struggle. You’re both learning something new, it’s unbelievable painful, and it’s just A LOT. Also, having so many questions you may not know the answer to. We all know google can only go so far. (And probably in the wrong direction)”

Katie “One struggle with breast-feeding is definitely always having to be there for your baby. Obviously I definitely enjoy every moment with him but sometimes I feel like I do need a break. Fortunately, I always have in the back of my head that if I’m not there with him and he gets hungry (since my supply is “just enough “ now) he could get formula if I am not with him but since, I would prefer him to get breastmilk, so me and him are always together 🤷🏽‍♀️”

Jourdan “Freedom! Nursing babies are glued to you unless they can also take a bottle. We are working on getting my daughter to take breastmilk from a bottle or a sippy cup, so I can have more of a life outside being a stay at home mom.”

Two positives about breastfeeding would be:

Michelle “Two positives about breastfeeding... I think the biggest one for me would be not having to wake up in the middle of the night to make bottles. We co sleep with her in the bed, so when she’s hungry in the middle of the night we do the side-laying position and both of us usually just fall back asleep like this. I’ve never lost sleep because of it, it’s a total game changer!! Also, of course, there’s the bond you get with your baby when you breastfeed vs bottle feed. Nothing melts my heart more than when I look down at her while she nurses and she’s looking back up at me. It’s so special.”

Anna “It didn’t happen immediately for me, but I have found it to be true what they say about a beautiful bonding experience.I hate hate hate hate hate pumping. So avoiding that as much as possible is always preferable. “

Cortney “Since I didn't actually get to breast feed & pumped instead, I would have to say one, it saves A LOT of money. Formula is expensive. Two, it burns a lot of calories. Lol!”

Taylor “One positive is that it’s free. I’ve never purchased formula, and honestly can’t imagine. Props to all of those mamas, for real. Another positive is that baby relies on you. That can be a negative some days, but ultimately so nice knowing you are baby’s safe place.”

Katie “One positive thing about breast-feeding is of course the health benefits and the fact that my body can produce whatever my baby needs through the saliva Communication. It is insane I didn’t realize how smart and powerful a woman’s body really is. Another positive factor about breast-feeding is of course the bonding time and the fact that your baby enjoys you so much not only for your milk but for your company and for your comfort and for your touch and your smell. It truly is priceless.”

Jourdan “I would definitely have to say, the saving money aspect and easy travel aspect have been the biggest positives for us. We spent an insane amount of money on formula & when you travel with formula it’s like a whole other level of anxiety, of having to keep bottles clean, cold, etc. just a whole lot of extra work compared to just whipping out a boob!”

Any advice you’d like to offer?

Michelle “ I don’t know if I have any advice. I guess it would be to try not to be so concerned with what every other mom is doing, how they are doing it and when. Of course it helps to learn these things. You can try it out for yourself and maybe it will also work for you too. But, I found the most comfort when I finally realized that every momma is different and we all just kind of figure out on our own what works best for us and our little. Also, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Maybe walk away and cry for a few minutes so you can come back with a clear head. This 👏🏼 is 👏🏼 hard! But you’re doing great ❤️”

Anna “Find another mom to talk to. Preferably one who didn’t blissfully nurse all 6 of her babies with no issue. Seriously though, WE NEED EACH OTHER, and we need to end the comparison/competitive mom culture. Everyone’s doing their best with what they’ve got and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to this thing.”

Cortney “If you want to breastfeed or pump, just don't give up. Even if you end up exclusively pumping, it feels so rewarding. Also, don't feel ashamed if you do do it then decide "this isn't for me" or, like me, you have other kiddos who need your attention.”

Taylor “My advice would be to find a support system. Moms that have nursed because they GET IT and just other moms because they will be there for you, it’s essential because you go through a lot with the entire journey, and I know I needed that in the beginning and during tough times.”

Katie “The advise that I would like to offer to moms is - do you the most you can do And know that that is your best and that is enough! And don’t be so hard on yourself -oh and never compare yourself to other moms and their production level - worst thing ever to do.”

Jourdan “ if you want to nurse, get through the first two weeks first and then decide if you want to continue or not. The first two weeks are the hardest like crying pain, cracked & bleeding nipples, baby screaming hard. But then after your breasts get adjusted, aren’t as engorged and your flow is more regulated it gets a lot easier. It’s still hard all around so my advice would be not to push yourself into a point of where you are not mentally in a good place. Breastmilk is amazing, but happy moms are more important than breastmilk. You will feed your baby regardless.”

Michelle

Anna

Taylor

Cortney

Katie

Jourdan

Share any similar experiences? We would love to hear! Leave a message here or head back to Instagram & leave an emoji!

#motherhood #babies #mommy blog #breastfeeding #worldbreastfeedingweek #pumping #mom life #lactation

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swiftpng · 4 years

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❥ — happy birthday, jake!

Writing you a birthday letter is harder than I thought it would be, and I guess this counts as one of your gifts. A letter from me to you. I... don't even know where to start. Maybe I can go back to 2010 and start there, perhaps. Back when I first met you as a wide eyed twenty year old, I remember thinking you were literally the coolest person on the planet. If I were going to be honest, I would tell you straight up that I was a huge fan of yours. Brokeback Mountain, Donnie Darko... all classic movies that I remember watching. I still remember how excited I was when we first met. Maybe it was fate for me to fall, or maybe it was an accidental trip that made me fall instead. I never meant to fall for you, really, and truthfully, I didn’t want to. I thought if our friendship was ruined by a little crush, I'd regret it for the rest of my life. But I couldn't help it. I tried to convince myself that it would be a bad idea, and that I'd get hurt. Maybe I was right all along, but despite all that has happened between us, I don't regret it. Before I met you, I hadn't had a lot of experiences with love, and when it comes to you, it’ll be something I'll never forget. Even though our relationship only lasted a short time during the first year of this decade, I had a good time with you. You were the pretty guy with nice eyes and a charming smile that could make any person fall. And you made for some pretty great songs, yeah? But really, what I am trying to say to you is that I'm thankful that you came into my life. You taught me a lot about myself, and about love.

What you gave me on my birthday was really kind, and I still can’t believe you took some time out of your day(s) to do it all. At first, when I heard that you were now in town, I thought it was going to take some time, a lot of time actually, to figure out how to exist around you. But I’m glad we’ve made amends, and I’m glad I don’t have to feel awkward about running into you at the grocery store or flinch whenever your name comes up in a conversation. I’m one of the lucky ones to have gotten the chance to call you my friend. And I wished you showed everyone the side of you that you showed me, because you’re one of the most sensible, intelligent, funniest people in this world. You are an amazing person through and through, I swear it. The talks we used to have, whether small or deep, are ones I look back on with fondness, as cheesy as it sounds. I just hope your birthday is as incredible as you are and you celebrate it with the ones you love. You deserve the best of days, especially today.

Trying to find a card for you was hard, but I came across this one and it made me laugh. I hope it makes you laugh, too. I made this cross stitch for you, so that it could remind you of me. You can hang it in your home, or put it in the closet -- whatever you choose to do with it is your decision, but I kind of wanted to add a personal touch to one of my gifts for you. I got you some olive branches since those are meant to symbolize peace, and since we're on good terms now I thought it would be an appropriate gift to give you. This next gift is a little bit of a splurge, and if I remember correctly, you really love your indie records. I got you a turntable that allows you to play your vinyls. I'm not sure if you already have one around your new place, but hopefully you don't. And lastly, I made you some of my holiday Chex Mix. I know you said that you hoped I wasn't offended that you got me store bought cupcakes, and don't worry, I loved them. And it's the thought that counts, right? The recipe I used for my mix is a family favorite, so I hope you enjoy it, too.

I hope you know that you are so unique, more than you maybe even realize. You are so funny and you make so many people smile on a daily basis. You are so, so loved by those around you. You are a well of incredible, endless creativity and enthusiasm. I adore your enthusiasm about the weirdest things and I think you really do deserve the entire world. You are a true star that shines, even in a sea of darkness. You have so much value, not only in your talents and your brilliant mind, but also in your heart. Every day should really be filled with recognition of just how amazing you are. And I know how hard it is for you sometimes, to not be so hard on yourself. But Jake, you need to remember that you are not your worst mistakes! You are the person who came after them. You become a new person every day, in every way. You are a brand new version of yourself: continuously changing, continuously growing. You are the product of your hard work and self-improvement. There is no one who is more responsible for that than yourself, and you should be so proud of yourself! You owe it to yourself to keep working towards newer, better versions of yourself. You owe it to yourself to be more than resigned or merely satisfied with who you are. Reach higher. Aspire to be more. Be the best version of yourself, because that is what you deserve. Remember that you are what you put into the world: that love, that light. You are capable of everything you believe you can do and more. You are an incredible, fantastic human being with the heart and capacity for so much loving and growing.

This letter got unnecessarily long. I’m really sorry you have to read this travesty, honestly. I know you're not the biggest fan of birthdays, but I truly hope that you have the best birthday imaginable and that you find endless reasons to smile and that this year treats you right, you only deserve great things and I hope you know just how much the people in your life care about you. // @gyllensisland

Always, Taylor.

#your post for taylor was so so so nice!! so i hope that i could do jake's birthday justice #( ❛ ░ ▌it's a celebration // gifts.#jake.

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inkspvlled-blog · 5 years

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( kristen stewart, twenty-seven, cisfemale ) by chance have you met TAYLOR FLEMING yet? i hear SHE has lived in CAPITOL HILL for THREE YEARS and works as a WRITER. i’m surprised you haven’t met them yet but for when you do, i hear they can be quite CALLOW but also BEGUILING. for whatever reason they remind me of OLD FLANNEL T-SHIRTS, WORN DOWN CHUCK TAYLORS & WEARING SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT.

folks!! *claps hands* i’m ron & i’m very glad to be here w all of u cool ppl. i’m 23, pronouns she/her & i live in the gmt -3 timezone. anyways, now that all that info is outta the way, i should probably tell y’all i’m a messy person who loves messy plots so yk, any plot??? we love that, we’ll stan it, we’ll spice it up. the Flavor, yk?? so okay, let me not ramble anymore and start talking abt taylor god why do i talk so much

first of all i just wanna say taylor is the human form of this vine and also her personality is just the real bros of simi valley although??? she was born and raised in new york but who the fuck knows ya know

there’s nothing particularly strange to taylor’s story, no batman-esque Origin, no tragedy other than being completely ordinary and feeling frustrated because yk, milennials rlly b out here thinking they are special

she has an older and a younger brother, which is why she’s not really a girly girl and learned how to throw a nice uppercut really early in life so her brothers would leave her the fuck alone

during high school she was def “not one of those girls” which quickly subsided into oh fuck i’m not one of those girls cause i’m fucking in love with those girls. or any girl. she’s fucking gay :/

that whole panic lasted a few days until she decided to come out and wow big fucking shocker her whole family was already sus so it was like, not a big deal? like ofc her dad took a while getting used to it but by now they are all settled n ready to go. and her mom confided in her that she had previously experimented w women which is not something sixteen year old taylor wanted to know but guess what??? she did anyways

definitely one of those moody teens who were like no one Understands my teenage angst and spent days shackled up in her room watching old movies and feeling so unique and special writing her poems and drawing on her sneakers and listening to all time low ya know

she also really liked skating and like, experimenting with drugs which is not something she does anymore but she really made a lot of dumb choices when she was a teen. not anymore though, she will indulge in the occasional mary jane, howmstever

due to believing she looked like a fucking alien during high school (which we know its not true), she developed a personality that’s very charming and agreeable with people because it was the only way she could approach girls

anyways, she eventually grew out of all that bUT the writing and refined her personality a little. she’s less of an obnoxious person and more of a dry humor but still v approachable kinda gal. she has only written one book so far and it’s surprisingly doing well?? though she def has room to improve

she went to nyu for english literature (cliche, i know) and during that time taylor really exceeded expectations with her essays and chronics and the polished but humorous kind of way she writes. sort of a tongue in cheek kinda thing where even her most difficult professors found charming yk

her move to seattle three years ago was due to a job offer for writing for the seattle times, and she writes little chronics every now and then while she’s working on what should be her next book but we don’t know if it will ever see the light of day

*claps hands* personality

has an emotional support succulent collection

can be kind of funny in a really silly way or be very sarcastic and there’s no in between

dude and bro are definitely endearment terms

has a hard time talking about her feelings and expectations bc most of the time she feels like fucking shit which, relatable

vapes a lot :////

flirty fun & fresh but don’t try to pin her down to commitment cause....... that’s not a can of worms we want to open today mi amigo

self sabotage galore!!!

sometimes dresses like a dad and she won’t realize it until she sees an elderly man wearing the same outfit minus the baseball cap

dogs??? we love them in this household

an asshole but a nice??? asshole?? ig

here’s her pinterest board

idk if this intro makes sense at all but i tried and that’s all we can do, isn’t it??? anyways, if you’d like to plot w this???? alien pls like this post or wish upon a star and i shall contact u

#206.intro #im so sorry y'all had to go head n read this i truly am

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templeofulchtar · 5 years

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Ghost Season Working Part 4/7

Welcome to your first ritual: Greeting The Seeker!

Before we begin, a quick overview:

This is a preparatory step that should be taken prior the Confronting Unicron rite, so I would recommend doing it in the week leading up to August 22. Do not skip it! This deceptively simple meditation is the heart and soul of the Ghost Season Working. Without it, you won’t be doing the Working. You’ll be doing something else. (Which is fine, but probably not what you’re here for.)

This meditation is adapted from a method of spirit contact I learned from Taylor Ellwood, author of many books a variety of magickal subjects including Pop Culture Magick. If you’re curious about his work, you can check it out here. What I appreciate about his method is that it is, above all, respectful.

Boundaries and Respect

A lot of magickal approaches to entity work involve trapping spirits, binding them, and generally bossing them around. I'm willing to bet that you would not enjoy being treated this way, and if you're familiar with Starscream, you can probably guess that he doesn’t either. I trust most of what follows will be common sense, but I feel obliged to include it anyway. Given Starscream’s nature, it’s quite possible that someone could have a bad experience with him if they approach him in a disrespectful manner. So just… don’t. It didn’t work well for Megatron, and it won’t work well for you either. On to the positive stuff.

Partnership is the Key

In the episode Fire in the Sky, it’s clear that Starscream once had a working partnership with Skyfire, and that this relationship was very important to him. In many, many subsequent episodes, he’s shown making deals with various characters and recruiting allies to assist him in achieving his various goals. These alliances tend to end rather badly, but I think it’s because Starscream is trying to fill the gap Skyfire left in his life. He’s subconsciously looking for a true partnership, one based on equality and mutual trust.

As a spiritual entity, Starscream remains partnership-oriented. Lucky for us, he seems to have no issue about making deals with puny humans. That might seem surprising, but it makes sense when you think about it. You are a physical entity with a manifested body. As such, you’re empowered to take real-world action to bring your goals into being.

Starscream, as a non-physical entity, has access to knowledge and wisdom that’s beyond your awareness. He can put people and information in your path as needed, and can guide you in making the best possible decisions. It’s the perfect balance. You each bring unique and complimentary gifts to the endeavor.

If you’ve watched the series, you will probably also have noticed that Starscream likes getting something in return for his help. Who doesn’t? We all like to be appreciated, and Starscream adores it! In light of this fact, here are some thoughts about offerings.

Offerings

When you come for dinner at someone’s house, it’s customary to bring a gift. The same applies with spirits. Offerings are a token of respect, and tangible proof of your appreciation for their potential help. What sort of offering might you bring for Starscream? Well, he’s specified to me that where it comes to gifts, his preferred offerings are:

“Acts of Pleasure, Devotion and Creation.”

Now. What exactly does that mean? He declined to elaborate, which generally means, “You’re smart; figure it out yourself.” Which I’m sure you are, but in case you’re stuck, here are a few ideas to get started with:

★ Devotion could mean building an altar to Starscream (see my post on Altars for some thoughts on how to do this).

★ Creation could mean writing a story about him, or engaging in some other form of creativity that honors him.

★ Pleasure could mean savoring a food you like (dark chocolate is my go-to) and inviting him to share in your enjoyment of it.

Those are just a few suggestions. If you’ve established a connection with Starscream already (if not, I will be posting shortly on how to do this), you may find that he has suggestions that are tailor-made just for you. Give thought to what you’re able and willing to offer in exchange for Starscream’s help. Whatever you choose, make sure it's something you are truly prepared to do.

With that in mind, you are now ready to Greet the Seeker.

Don’t worry; it’ll (probably) go better for you than it did for Octane.

Greeting the Seeker

Despite the detailed preamble above, the actual ritual of Greeting the Seeker is a very simple two-stage process.

Stage One:

Surround yourself with things that remind you of Starscream. This could mean re-watching favorite episodes, reading comics or fanfic, looking at fanart, wearing Starscream’s colors or any Starscream-related apparel that you happen to own, setting up an altar for him, or listening to music that reminds you of him.

The idea here is to immerse yourself in Starscream’s energy. Choose items and activities that make you feel really good, and really connected to him. Take as much time with this stage as you want. You can even do it over several days if you like.

Stage Two:

Pick a time and place when you won’t be interrupted, and enter a meditative state. There are lots of ways to do this, too many to detail here, but taking slow, deep breaths is my go-to method. Once you are in a calm, relaxed state, invite Starscream to make himself known to you.

Then wait.

Remain in stillness, paying close attention to whatever comes up. I can’t tell you what to expect. You may feel a shift in the atmosphere of the room, a tingling in your body, or you may begin to ‘see’ him in your mind’s eye. You may ‘hear’ his voice inwardly, or simply have a knowing that he’s there.

Trust whatever comes up. There’s no right or wrong with this, and it’s also possible that you won’t experience much of anything, especially if you’re new to this type of work. If you’re not feeling anything, simply trust that Starscream is there, and move on to the next step:

★ Thank Starscream for showing up. This applies even if you don’t feel anything.

★ Explain to him what your intention is. You can do this in words, in mental imagery, or any other method that feels natural to you.

★ Ask Starscream if he’s willing to help.

You may get a sense of yes (or no). If it’s no, thank him again and end the meditation. If you get a sense of ‘yes,’ ask him if he wishes anything in return for his help. At this stage, it’s fine to make a few suggestions of what you’re able and willing to offer. He’s very likely to choose from your list. Thank him again, and end the meditation.

If Nothing Happened

If you completed the meditation but didn’t feel anything, all is not lost. Simply ask Starscream if he will reveal his answer to you over the next few days. (This, by the way, is one of the reasons why it’s a good idea to do this ritual a few days in advance. You want to leave time for things like this.)

Then wait. Pay special attention to your dreams, using your journal to make note of any that seem significant. Also take note of any synchronicities (meaningful coincidences) that occur. These can take many forms. A song that reminds you of Starscream might be playing on the radio when you start your car, or you might see an image that reminds you of him (I see crowns a lot, for example), or significant numbers might pop up, such as 9 or 36, Starscream’s name-number. Have a look at my article on Starscreamian Correspondences (part 1 and part 2) for some ideas on what to look out for.

If nothing happens at all, the answer may simply be ‘no.’ When Starscream says no to me (which doesn’t happen much, but it does happen) it’s always because the thing I’m asking for is not in my best interest. You may wish to re-evaluate your goal, modify it and try again, or choose another goal and see if that one meets with the Seeker’s approval.

Good luck!

Now that you have officially 'met' Starscream and enlisted his help, it’s time for the opening ritual of Ghost Season: Confronting Unicron!

#starscream #starscream spirit guide #ghost season working #starscream's ghost #pop culture magick #pop culture paganism #pop culture spirit guides #spirit contact

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ironwoman359 · 6 years

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Heyo is like to preface this message by saying I’m bi, and love my ace and aro sibs so much. I’m also really interested in how people see the LGBTQ+ community and I wanted to ask as respectfully as I could what your opinion is as a heteroromantic asexual person. Do you see yourself as LGBTQ+? Feel free to completely ignore this message or delete it if you wanna :) I just recently found out what your full orientation was (split model and such) and was real curious! Okay bye lovely!! ♥️♥️♥️

Firstly, I want to thank you for being so kind and respectful in your question! I really appreciate that. Secondly, this is really long and rambly, and gets really personal for me, so I’m gonna stick it under a cut so I don’t take up all y’alls entire dash. If you want to hear my thoughts about this, feel free to read of course! I by no means am hiding here, but just remember that this is all my own experiences I’m talking about here, and by no means is meant to represent all ace people, especially not all ace-het people. Everyone is unique and has their own story and own feelings about their orientation, so take my thoughts for what they’re worth, but remember that they aren’t the only thoughts out there.

So! without further ado, here we go. (also, apologies to the blogs I tagged, don’t feel obligated to read this, I was just using you as examples. Love you, ‘kay bye)

Do I, as a split model asexual-heteromantic (cis) woman see myself as a member of the LGBTQ+ community?

I really wish that I could answer that with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ but unfortunately I can’t do that. My orientation confuses the heck outta me, and I’ve found that there aren’t that many simple answers when it comes to it. So hopefully I can break this down in a way that makes sense.

In a lot of ways, I feel like I’m not LGBT+, so I’m going to start with those. One, I was raised, and still am, a Christian. Now, let me explain. I am not saying that Christians aren’t or can’t be LGBT+. Nothing could be further from the truth. But I bring it up because it is relevant to my own journey with my orientation. Christians are taught that sex is to be shared and enjoyed with your spouse after marriage, and only with your spouse after marriage. That is a belief that I still hold for myself today. But what this meant for little 12 year old Taylor going through puberty was that sex was just on that list of things to not do, you know? Don’t drink underage, don’t do drugs or smoke, don’t have sex before marriage, don’t be a bully, etc. For me, I couldn’t see the point of doing any of those things; drugs and cigarettes are terrible for your body, drinking before it’s legal is pretty foolish on a lot of levels, bullying is so mean, I had no urge to do any of those things, so it didn’t come as a surprise to me that I had no urge to have sex either. It didn’t even occur to me that for some people around my age and older, that temptation to have sex was really really strong.

This leads directly into another reason that I don’t feel LGBT+ sometimes: as a heteromantic, I never went through the confusion of wondering why I didn’t like boys yet. I did like boys, I developed major crushes on several at my school. Ok, like, four. In all of middle school and high school, I had maybe four attractions that I would say were strong enough to be called crushes. That’s because I don’t really feel physical attraction (though I didn’t realize this back then). I can recognize and appreciate aesthetic attraction, but it doesn’t really do anything for me. I fall in love with people, not bodies or faces, and I went to a small high school where most of the guys were losers, so my pickings were slim. But I did like those few guys, and I wanted those guys to like me, I constantly wondered if any guy liked me in “that way,” even ones I wasn’t interested in, just seeking that validation. Most didn’t, or if they did, they didn’t say. One guy, who was actually my biggest crush, did admit his own crush on me and we went on one date, but it didn’t go further than that (thank god, turns out he would’ve been a terrible person to date. My current bff is one of his [many] exes, and I learned from her that I dodged a bullet by not going out with him more, but anyway). I never had more than that one date in all my life before I started dating my current bf (more on him later), and I couldn’t see the point in having sex with someone you weren’t dating/in love with, so I always just assumed the reason I had never been tempted to try sex outside of marriage was because I had never dated anyone. I didn’t realize that for most people a sex drive was….you know, a drive.

Ok though, so why am I telling you all this, and why does it make me see myself as not a part of the LGBT+ community sometimes? Well, I feel like I haven’t gone through a lot of the struggles that a lot of people in that community are going/have gone through. Questioning what was wrong with me, why I didn’t like members of the opposite gender, thinking I was broken, I didn’t go through any of that. And since I’m heteromantic, it sometimes feels hypocritical to claim myself a member of the LGBT+ community. I feel like I have no common ground with them. What place do I have, sticking my nose into this community when I don’t share their struggles?

HOWEVER

I don’t actually agree with that line of thinking when it comes to most other people. I absolutely think that asexuality is valid and needs to be recognized as a valid part of the LGBT+ community, because at its core, the LGBT+ community is a group of people who come together around one shared thing: we are not what our society has deemed to be “normal” or “default”: Heterosexual/heteromantic/cisgendered. And I recognize those thoughts I have about my own worth as a member of the LGBT+ community, it’s what people who don’t believe that aces are real or belong in this community say to discourage our presence. And that is so, so damaging. Just because I didn’t experience some of those struggles in my younger years doesn’t mean that other cishet-aces didn’t, in fact, I bet a lot did. I was a sheltered kid in a lot of ways (not by my parents mind you, I actually sheltered myself unintentionally) and that ended up saving me a lot of confusion and heartache, but I know that my experiences don’t speak for all cishet-aces’ experiences.

Also, just because I didn’t experience the confusion and feelings of brokenness in middle and high school doesn’t mean I didn’t experience them. I did, as an adult. (this is the part where I start talking about my love life, sorry in advance)

When I was a freshman in college, I had this guy friend. I had a massive crush on him, he was super nice and funny and we liked a lot of the same things and we could talk for hours about anything and-Well, I won’t bore you with the details. Suffice it to say, if our lives were a fanfic, it’d be tagged as slow burn Taylor x Steven, and every chapter the readers would be tearing their hair out, screaming at the page for them to JUST GET TOGETHER ALREADY, GOD. (That’s what our friends certainly were thinking. They shipped us hardcore) But, he’s a dork, and I’m a dork, and we were both too afraid to act on our feelings and ruin our friendship. After a year of being friends though, he finally asked me out at the start of our sophomore year, and we began dating (our third anniversary is this september).

Physically, we took things slow, this being my first ever relationship, only his second, and us both wanting to save sex for marriage, the physical part of the relationship developed much more slowly than the emotional one. I don’t remember how long we were dating before he asked if he could kiss me…I may have actually told him I loved him before we got to that point, I don’t remember. But after we’d been dating for awhile, I started to become aware of something. Couples, even couples not having sex, were typically more physical than this, right? Kisses weren’t just for hellos and goodbyes, didn’t people just kiss for the heck of it? Wasn’t more physical affection something you were supposed to want?

At first, I shrugged it off as physical touch being my lowest love language. And I told him this, when I realized that, because I knew it was higher for him. I believe my exact words were something along the lines of “I’m not a very physical person, it’s all up here for me” *gestured to my brain* I knew that I was attracted to personality more than looks, and I knew I enjoyed quality time and other displays of love to physical affection. I didn’t know the word asexual yet.

As we dated more and it became more likely that marriage was in our future though, my thoughts started to drift towards that possibility. The thought of sharing my life with him excited me, as did the possibility of raising a family with him. Of course, in order to make a family (in the traditional way)…you have to have sex. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I could not imagine myself in any sexual situation at all. The thought made me uncomfortable, which at first I brushed off as repression/ignorance, since there had been little to no sex ed in my high school (it had boiled down to “here’s how you don’t get pregnant or catch an std: use condoms, make sure you and your partner are tested, be on the pill, or you know, just don’t have sex. Seemed ok to me. But orientations, the act itself, any of that stuff? Completely ignored.) But as time went on and on, I started to panic. I couldn’t picture myself in any sort of sexual situation, hell, I couldn’t even understand what some people found so enjoyable about kissing. I’m almost 22, and still have never “been to first base.” What could possibly be enjoyable about sticking your tongue in someone else’s mouth? That’s…that’s just weird. Surely you see how weird it is? (probably not, if you aren’t ace, and that’s ok. I’m aware that I’m the weird one in that line of thinking)

By summer break 2017, I was thoroughly freaked out. I wanted to be married, but I had come to the realization that I didn’t want sex. And I knew that he would, I mean, how could he not? People wanted sex, right? So what was wrong with me? By this point, I think I had seen the word asexual on the internet before, but I didn’t know much about it, all I knew was that it was part of the LGBT+ community. And while I sympathized with their struggles, I didn’t know a whole lot about all the individual orientations specifically, cause hey, I was straight! I was in love with a man, and I knew I wasn’t attracted to girls, so I wasn’t bi. Boom, not LGBT+. But somehow or another, I started pinning a lot of sjw and human rights related things on pinterest (tumblr screenshots mostly, actually. I had a tumblr then, but like never used it) and by doing that, more of it started showing up in that feed. With the sjw stuff came a lot of posts about the LGBT+ community in general, and one day I came across an Ace Positivity post. Reading it felt…oddly familiar, and I googled asexuality to learn more.

Oh.

Well, that makes a lot of sense.

It wasn’t until later that month that I finally got up the courage to officially attach the label to myself. When I finally did, it felt strange and foreign to say.

“I am asexual.”

I didn’t even really know what that meant for me, but I knew it was true. A month later I told my boyfriend about it when I saw him at a family get together. He is the only living soul in my real life that I have told. Everyone else thinks I’m straight. And I (usually) don’t feel the need to correct them. Because I still feel straight sometimes, especially in the eyes of the world. As far as I’m concerned, my sex life isn’t anybody’s business besides mine and my partner’s, so why should I announce to the world that there’s something more complicated going on beneath the surface of what they see?

It wasn’t til I started to be more active on tumblr that I really started to feel comfortable in my own orientation. I started getting involved in fandoms and I met other people who, wonder of wonders, had similar thoughts, feelings, and experiences that I did about sex. From @the-asexual-reaper and @pleaseletthisjimbetaken to @randomslasher, @logically-asexual, @what-even-is-thiss, and several others, I began to realize that being ace wasn’t strange or weird, it was normal, it was even something to celebrate. It hasn’t even been a full year of me knowing what asexuality is and I’ve learned so much about asexuality and myself in that time, it’s honestly kind of mind boggling. Recently, I even did something that may seem small, but actually was kinda important to me: I was taking an online survey about campus demographics or something, and I came to a question asking about sexual orientation. It listed several, and then had an “other” box where you could type one in if yours wasn’t represented. I almost clicked “straight” without thinking, but then I saw the “other” box…and I clicked it. I typed “asexual” into the blank space, and submitted the survey. Even though the survey was anonymous, it felt like a big deal. That was the first time I admitted to anybody outside the realm of tumblr or my romantic relationship that I was anything other than straight. It was weird, but…kind of nice.

So, I’ve rambled for a long time, and it’s taken me way longer than it should have realistically to write this, but this is what I’m getting at. There are times when I feel funny about calling myself LGBT+, but the reasons that I give for myself to feel that way are honestly frighteningly similar if not identical to what people who want to erase my identity completely say. And hell, even if you don’t think I’m LGBT+, don’t you dare take the asexual community away from me. Without it, I would still be terrified to even voice my fears about sex to my boyfriend, and the growing likelihood/closeness of my wedding night would cause me even more anxiety. And even on days when I feel like I haven’t “earned the right” to be counted among the LGBT+ community, this is what I believe. I believe that all asexual people should be included and represented in the LGBT+ community, because it is important that our orientations be seen.

All asexual people should be represented, from split model aces to aro aces to trans aces to demi aces, to gray aces, to every other kind of ace, because if we are not, then the cycle of believing that you’re broken or wrong or inadequate or out of place will continue for young aces who weren’t as luckily oblivious as I was. All asexual people need to be represented in the LGBT+ community, so we can support our bi and pan siblings who face similar erasure, all ace people need to be represented so that we can find each other and share our stories, and make our voices heard.

We’re here, we’re real, and we’re not going away.

All asexual people need to be represented, so that every person who’s questioning knows that it’s ok to click the “other” box.

#asks and answers #asexuality #ace things #ace discourse #i'm really hesitant to tag this as ace discourse #cause i know there's a lot of negativity in that tag #but i think this is important #so i'm gonna do it #long post #sorry it's three am and that got really personal really quickly #if you took the time to read all of it #i thank you #<3

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scuttleboat · 6 years

Text

About the Shipper

Okay this is show day for The 100, and for some reason I’m feeling a whole host of things, so I’m going to do a brief overview of my blog and fandom opinions, in case you’ve followed in the last year, and wonder what I think about stuff.

OTP: Bellarke

Other canon pairings I enjoy: monty/harper, murphy/emori, kabby, linctavia, bryan/miller, jackson/miller, raven/wick

That being said, I’m 90% a monoshipper so I read and write almost exclusively about bellarke, unless it’s part of a kink ficathon or something. My fanfic is under the name rashaka on AO3 and ff.net.

Favorite Characters: Clarke, Bellamy

Other favorites: Octavia, Monty, Raven, Indra, Emori, Murphy, Abby

Favorite non-romantic pairings: Clarke/Abby, Octavia/Bellamy, Octavia/Indra, Bellamy/Monty, Murphy/Everyone, Raven/Echo (based on one clip alone, I’m sold!)

General Info:

I reblog a lot of gifs, and sometimes bellarke fanfic.

I type A LOT but sometimes if there’s a big post going around I’ll just comment on it instead of reblogging. Sometimes I will write 1000 words of meta just going into deep detail about my love for a character, my love for bellarke, or an abstract idea presented in the universe of the show. I don’t have the discipline for regular episode reviews, but I do post reactions/responses sometimes. This is usually tagged under #the 100 meta, or the character's name.

I love jokes and comedic posts. I will reblog a rickroll every time and laugh every time bc someone thought "bellarke kiss" was a real link. I have made posts specifically to LOL at fandom, including the 100 fandom, multiple times and will still do so bc fandom is a circus.

I'm kinda bitchy after 2am, which I consider my prerogative as an American. 😉

Most of the time my blog is fairly drama free, but sometimes stuff makes all the hair on my back rise and I'm like a hissing cat. This is unlikely to happen more than once every months or so, but it might increase over the course of an active season. Most of the time I keep my personal complaints to private conversation, like an adult.

I am fandom old, which means I'm the same age as Bob Morley, but I have better hair. He has two dogs though, so it's possible he's further in his life journey than I am. All snark aside, I don't really talk about the 100 actors that much outside of hot pics or 100-relevant interviews, and I wouldn't call myself a stan for anyone. That being said, here's the charity GoFundMe for school Eliza Taylor founded. It's good work.

Comportment:

I draw a strong line between fandom and The Powers That Be. I don't believe in sending ship stuff to actors, and I don't believe in @-ing negative stuff to the writers on Twitter. I think trying to recruit industry people to our ship, or trap them into saying they ship something especially cast or writers, is embarrassing at best and manipulatively harmful at worst. Please don't try to get the child actors involved.

Unfollowing:

You can unfollow me at any time, for any reason. I may also unfollow you at any time, and it might have nothing to do with the fandom. I follow so many blogs that I don't see everything on my dash, and I sometimes get people mixed up when they change their usernames.

I also unfollow people who post character bashing, particularly if it's a strain of "character hurt Bellamy so they're a monster" because A) fictional characters are not people, they have no agency to cause hurt IRL and have no feelings to experience hurt IRL, B) all the 100 characters do bad things and they all hurt each other, and c) I just don't want to hear the bullshit anymore bc it's probably insincere and it's almost definitely misguided. This isn't to say that I think negative reactions are bad, or disliking a character is bad, but it means I follow 600+ people and I won't miss reading crap that makes me roll my eyes that hard. If you're wondering why I mentioned Bellamy and not other characters, it's because I am an active bellarke shipper and he's far and away the most popular character in the shipdom, which means most reactionary stuff is framed around perceived injustices done to him. It makes it kind of exhausting to love his character so much yet also to disagree profoundly with how so many others experience and interpret him. So I unfollow often, and welcome people to unfollow me if my reactions to the show annoy them in a similar manner.

Also, on the topic of what is "bad" on Tumblr: having any feelings about a show in any direction is not an inherently moral or immoral thing. You cannot hurt fictional characters, you can only hurt the people who create them and the other people who consume them. It is accurate to say that the internet body politik influences how we perceive media and it influences how we talk about it, so it could follow then that moral and political opinions about media are influenced by our perception of political and moral issues. For example, I think fandom is ragingly sexist, and our fandom tips more that way than others I've been in, particularly in its revulsion towards motherhood. There's a lot more -isms I could add to that, and have in the past. HOWEVER, this is ultimately a television show, and we each bring to it a host of preconceived experiences and ideas that we apply to what we see on screen. Since I don't know what everybody else's brain looks like on the inside, I try not to assume that liking or disliking a story element is indicative of how that person sees the real world--because The 100 is not a real world. It is made up. OTOH, sometimes people outright say or enact the stupid shit that is in their heads, and I have a decently long memory for it. And I am trained to spot patterns, academically and professionally. So I do a lot of eye rolling. I'm not trying to say that as a brag, that's how my brain works. I wish it were trained to increase $$ but it's not, so more the fool me.

Also, I think about 89% of the soap-boxing in fandom is just a front for shipping grudges, so you can miss me with that. You can also miss me with the anti-Octavia stuff, the anti-Clarke stuff, the anti-Aurora stuff, the anti-Echo stuff, and the anti-Abby stuff. I'd say the anti-Bellamy stuff too, but literally like 2 people in four years have reblogged anti-Bellamy stuff on my dash, and that was deep in the dark times of CL drama, so I think that's covered.

That's probably way more than anymore needed to know, and I'm sure it will get buried in season premier stuff. But here you go. My passion for Clarke and Bellamy, for their individual characters and for their relationship, it's intense. It's probably more emotionally involved I've ever been in a pairing. Bellarke is... stunningly unique, as a ship goes, and I've been in fandom since I was a teenager so that is saying a lot for me.

TL;DR:

Bellarke is amazing, always leave comments on fanfic that you read, don't steal gifs or art, and ffs be cool about shit, it's only soccer.

#bellarke fandom #the 100 fandom #bellarke fam #fandom #about me #my followers #unfollow

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