Updated!

Updated the comic for SG’s reveal. uwu

Pics: Part 1  Val X Reader

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Clean, smooth pictures came into view as you checked your work. Multiple colors are scattered amongst the clouds, making it the perfect setting for your pictures. Inserted in the picture were individuals rollerblading by the coast, giving an exquisite feeling of bravery and amazement to those who saw them. The photo itself was aesthetically pleasing, not to mention the resolution was incredible.

You felt satisfied with your work and took a few more to capture a better image than the last. You knew this article would be one of the most admired in the journalist world.

As part of the newspaper club, it was your responsibility and your peers to gather evidence and intellect for papers that could hopefully inform readers of certain situations. Including good quality photos. It mattered not if it was about gas prices, media, or whether people prefer to stay indoors rather than outdoors, it will be executed neatly and accurately.

For this project, your teacher assigned groups of two. You and your friend were commissioned to write about rollerblading, informing how fun and intricate it is. It was your job to take pictures and write the paper while your friend edited and posted the work.

You expected this assignment to be fun and pretty simple, or so you were lead to believe. But when you refused to take some shots for some pest to insert into your article, you never expected to be given this much trouble.

"Oh come on babe, wouldn't you rather take a couple of quick snips of me and my teammates rather than those losers?"

"I told you not to call me that, and frankly, yes, I would."

You did not know why someone famous like him was interested in getting his picture taken. You knew the hot new skaters called Team X Bladz had given themselves quite the reputation when they came out with cool new tricks and stunts. The media goes wild for them, giving them praise and treating them like their royalty. So you could not grasp why the team leader of this famous group was so relentless in getting his photo taken when you're not even from a well-known organization.

Besides, you didn't even know his name or any of his lackeys. Second, there are a ton of other reporters out there who would love to get his picture taken. And third, you weren't even interested.

Ever since he spotted you taking pictures of bladders rolling around in the skate park, he refused to let you go until you took some shots of him too. Which baffles you honestly, it is not like you were an expert or anything.

"Come on, just a few?"

" I already said no, now please move out of the way."

Annoyed by the guy's determination, you pushed him back far enough to escape from him. Hastily, you tried to move away, though his skates caught you first.

The annoyance in your sigh was not enough to explain how irritated you were. " Look, I already told you I don't need a picture of your team, so why don't you go bother someone who cares."

"Then why not just me?" He grinned tackily, "You won't find anything better, I guarantee it." He pointed to those behind him. You glanced longingly, wanting to capture the moment that inspired you to write.

"Do you even know exactly why I'm taking these pictures?" You questioned. You were getting irritated, enough so that you felt like punching him.

The teenager pretended to think as he answered. "You're a reporter aren't you?"

"How did you-"

He chuckled, "Based on your expression, I must be right."

Darn, you walked right into that one.

The tone in your voice was not enough to hint him to leave you alone. "I don't understand why you're so reluctant to take a picture of me, I mean, I am pretty famous ya know," he swirled around in his blades fancily, trying to impress you.

"I don't care if you're famous, besides you're not the type of aesthetic I'm looking for. I have a vision for this picture, and you, unfortunately, are not in it."

The boy pretended to be hurt by your comments, genuinely not caring about your vision. He instead continued to pester you. " I don't understand this vision you're looking for. What? am I not the perfect candidate?" He teased.

You did not know how long you can withstand idly chatting before blowing him off. The only thing you desired was to take pleasant pictures of people doing cool skits and tricks in the park, but you can't even do that!

"Listen here bud-"

"It's Val, remember it." He clicked his tongue playfully.

"Listen here hotshot, I don't know what your deal is but I'm trying to take a serene picture here, and you moving out the way would be fantastic."

You tried to walk off once more but quickly blocked when Val skated in front of you again. This time you were going to go off on him but were too late to answer back.

"You know that's a pretty camera you got there." He urged toward your device. It was a Nikon FA, a nice model that was gifted to you on your birthday. Before you could even get a word out, he snatched it from your hands and skated from your grasp.

"Hey! Give that back, it is not a toy!" Your fury was unwavering, this was not a game for you.

"Woah there sweetheart, no need to get feisty." He answered haughtily, mocking you in your panicked state. You tried to grab your camera but unfortunately failed, for Val, once again, was out of your grasp.

"If you want it back, then take a picture of me." He continued, " and if you refuse-"

Without hesitance, he skated dangerously, flipping off of rails and jumping from one place to another. You feared for your camera and eventually gave in to his demands.

" Stop Stop! Ok, I'll take pictures of you, just please give me back my camera, it's very important to me." He skidded amongst the ground and approached with a winning grin. Seeing you all worried was enough for him to know that he won. Giving back your camera, you worriedly checked it. You sighed contently, not seeing any signs of damage, for nothing was nicked or in terrible shape.

" And there's plenty more where that came from." You had no choice but to listen to his demands, no matter how angry you felt. Because it was either taking shots or getting your camera taken away again. " Now about that picture you promised~"

"Alright fine, just pose over there and do something cool." Even though you weren't exactly thrilled to be taking this jerks picture, it was better than putting your camera's life on the line again.

To prevent from upsetting him again, you took careful but beautiful pictures, confident that he would like them. Not exactly the appeal you were looking for, but good enough for now.

"Let me see," out of nowhere, Val snatched the camera out of your hands, much to your dismay.

"Hey, careful with that it was a pretty expensive gift." He ignored your words and continued looking at the shots you got of him. He acted unimpressed, but you knew better.

"These pictures are good enough." He lazily handed you the camera, almost dropping it. If it wasn't for your quick reflexes, well, let's just say that you couldn't take any more pictures.

You gave him a full response. " Yeah, Yeah I know, so are we done here?"

"Guess so, just put the prettiest one that gets my good side in the article. You know, got to look good for the fans." He winked.

You scoffed and walked off, finally free from this ordeal. 'Yeah right, like I'm going to do that from what you put me through.'

But what you didn't know was that this right here was only the beginning.

Note: This was just a quick drabble I desired to write. If you have any tips on how this story can be better, please do not hesitate to let me know. Thank you very much. 

Okay so I had an au idea this morning and since I have too many ideas I decided not to write it and instead I'm just gonna make a (hopefully not too long) post about it. It features Moxiety and Intruloceit.

-Okay so it starts with a typical zombie apocalypse, though I'm gonna make it so you only turn when infected, so not everyone who dies turns into one because those ones can never really have happy endings

-Our main characters are Virgil Nicholas and Patton Foster, a couple who both work at a child care centre thing (idk what theyre called) that take care of kids up to twelve years old while they're parents are at work

-When the zombie outbreak hits their area (it hit other parts of the country first, and spread quickly), most of the kids were picked up by their parents, and most of the adults left to figure out what was going on, to drop children home, or they just ran away, leaving Virgil, Patton and about a dozen children - including ten-year-old Roman Prince (the eldest of the remaining children), eight-year-old Thomas Sanders, five-year-old Remy Starlight (the youngest) and six-year-old Toby Month.

-They spend the first few days hiding in the centre, having locked and boarded all doors and windows to the outside, eating the food they had left and listening to the radio for updates. The power went out after the first two days and the phones and computers ran out of charge quickly

-Sometimes there's banging and groans from the outside, sometimes even screams, and the group just huddles up together, half the kids are crying and Virgil and Patton have to keep shushing them until the noises are gone

-It's terrifying, and, though Virgil is 99% certain that it's zombies, Patton is adament that it's something small and that everything will be fixed soon.

-However, they run out of food after a few days, so Virgil (despite Patton's protests) goes out to the nearby grocery store to nab some more food for the kids

-There's a terrifying hour of waiting and kids crying that they're hungry and Patton's trying to calm them down and tell them stories

-Virgil returns eventually with a stolen shopping cart filled to the brim with food. He's covered with goop and blood and is shaking.

-He and Patton take the food to the kitchen (leaving Roman in charge temporarily as he's the youngest)

-Virgil reveals that it is in fact a zombie apocalypse and that he didn't see any other survivors in town. He then reveals that he thinks he should go back to the shop and get the rest of the food that he can get so it doesn't get raided first. They get into an argument about it, but in the end they spend the next few days raiding all the nearby shops for food, supplies and weapons (that they keep out of the littlest kids' reach)

-The next month or so passes with minimal incidents

-A rather large horde of zombies passes through at one point, and it's a terrifying day of waiting it out and hoping they don't break the doors down - because they could have, there were enough of them - and they consider themselves lucky to have survived that

-Half the kids catch a stomach bug at one point, and Virgil and Patton are terrified that something'll go wrong, but it ends up okay (they got medicine from a local pharmacy, but don't want to risk using the wrong ones or running out)

-There were also at least three instances of children threatening to run away because they want to find their families, but those are pretty easy to deal with (Patton may not know zombies, but he knows childcare)

-At one point Roman asks to learn how to use a gun just in case cos he's the oldest of the kids and it's heartbreaking but Virgil teaches him

-They spend most of their time cheering the kids up by telling stories, some of them fiction and some of them from the past

-Patton talks about his parents and his younger brother Dorian, who he hasn't seen in years (they drifted apart and Dorian probably didn't get along with their parents)

-The kids also talk about their families (they cry a lot, but it's nice to share and talk about)

-Roman talks about his own older brother Remus, who he didn't see much (he too didnt get along with their parents) but misses very much

-Sad times all around, but they all get super close because of it and Virgil and Patton basically end up like all the little kids' parents

-Anyway back to the main plot

-A bit over a month passes since the zombie apocalypse started, and they've got a pretty decent thing going on

-One day, they're all having story time in the main room, when they suddenly hear footsteps in the hallway

-They all go silent and Patton and Virgil stand protectively in front of the kids with guns

-The door opens and oh plot twist Patton's brother Dorian walks in,,, along with Roman's brother Remus

-Patton and Roman shout their brothers' names in unison and run up to them and there's tears and crying

-Patton's first reaction is 'what the heck' and Roman's first reaction is 'what the fuck' and Remus laughs but Patton scolds him

-Virgil then pretty much repeats the 'what the fuck' (partly cos it makes the kids giggle) and is like 'okay how did you even FIND us'

-Turns out Dorian has been looking for Patton for like Weeks (Remus assumed Roman was with his parents and is lowkey heartbroken to find that Roman's been here the whole time) cos the last time they brothers saw each other was before Patton got the job

-He ended up going back to search their parents house. Their parents weren't there but he found a pic at Patton's apartment. Took him a while to find it but when he did he found a pic of the daycare and went there and there they are.

-Patton and Roman's families have lived in this area their whole lives which is how Dorian and Remus know each other. Also they're dating and have a third boyfriend named Logan Picani. Logan lives with his brother on their parent's farm and is one of those people who've been preparing for the apocalypse for months.

-Dorian reveals Logan's existence before revealing that he and Remus are dating, he basically says 'yeah my other boyfriend lives on a farm its amazing for long term survival against zombies' (but he says it fancier than that)

-Virgil (he's met Dorian before) and Patton's reactions are basically:

Patton: other boyfriend?

Virgil: you're fucking a farmer?

-That almost starts a conversation where tiny Remy asks what fucking is and Remus (who is now holding Roman and will not let go) can not stop laughing

-Patton looks just about ready to choke Virgil and NOT in the kinky way. He doesn't though he's sweet like that

-Anyway Remus and Dorian drove a van here (it's the one Logan's family used to use to transport stuff to sell (it's just him and his brother Emile left though)) so they just about manage to stuff all of them plus as much rations as possible inside

-They make it to the farm and it's got like metal fences and a big gate and yeah Logan's 100% be preparing for the apocalypse for years

-But it wasn't just the whole 'paranoid scientist' (oh yeah he's a scientist) thing, he's actually been hearing of scientists trying to resurrect the dead for a while now and it was going weirdly and he didn't like the sound of that so he was preparing

-The farm has chickens, sheep, horses and bees as well as vegetables and a pond and stuff it used to have a ton of farm hands but like they all left to find their families so it was just Logan, Emile (Logan's brother) and Logan's boyfriends (Dorian and Remus ofc) tending the farm since the apocalypse

-Also Logan's been stockpiling a ton of books with information needed to do all kinds of useful things

-Basically they all make it to the farm and it's all happy and they're safe and they can actually raise the kids properly with a good food and water supply. They set up a makeshift schooling system (Logan has so many books and they go back for the rest of the daycare stuff at some point and they raid so many librarys)

-What I'm saying is that they live happily ever after despite the tragedy that is the zombie apocalypse

-I mean if people don't automatically turn into zombies after death then the zombies will eventually rot away and die and it'll be just humans left and it'll be all good

-And I suppose you could make this angsty and add some bad shit happening but I'm not gonna for once lol

I had Top Surgery! (Post Op 1 1/2 Weeks pics)

[[MORE]]

Suprise! I had top surgery almost 2 weeks ago. It was a bit of a process to get to that point and i was literally counting down the hours til i went under. I kept joking to people i was most excited about my "induced 4 hour nap" more than anything. I got to my day surgery clinic early in the morning, to which i got changed into scrubs, was told to wait under a blanket to keep my body warm, and met with the nurse, anesthetist and my surgeon for pre op discussions. Then i was escorted into the operation theatre where i hopped on the table, got nice and comfy with blankets, tubes, oxygen mask annnnddd.... woke up 4 hours later forgetting i had surgery 🤣

I did this in my last surgery (which in comparission was more terrifying cause i had blood in my mouth and couldnt remember what happened to me), but i woke up and couldn't work out where i was, why i felt so dizzy and how i got clothed 🤣 i spent about 2 hours in the recovery room sat in a recliner chair dozing off, except to eat (cause i had been fasting prior) and drink. I did try to pee but couldn't which was frustrating 😅 then i was taken home, where i promptly went to sleep lol

I had my drains in for 72 hours and they were the worst part of recovery. I carried bottles in a pillow case and they had be be positioned lower than my chest at all times. Luckily i wasn't able to move much and while i was on strong pain medication i mainly slept. I had my mum stay with me for a week and i'm thankful she did cause she really saved my butt by doing everything for me (i really had to let go of my control which was weirdly hard, i just felt bad making her do things for me but she was happy to). The drains were uncomfortable and by the morning there were to be taken out i was really hurting where they were inserted. After they were taken out it was a blessing and recovery got A LOT easier. I had shallow baths every few days and my mum helped me was my hair. I had baby wipes for my armpits and chest area which again saved me from being stinky. I still mainly slept, or watched tv shows with my mum up until she left. She prepped me a LOT of meals before she left so i wouldn't have to cook.

Sleeping on my back was probably the most uncomfortable part (after the drains), because i'm a stomach sleeper. I have been managing to sleep though which has been nice (and Maple has been good, sleeping beside me all through the night!). I've been sleeping elevated to help with swelling. I actually got told off by my nurse while doing my week post op check up cause i was still doing too much. I went to Uni for a 6 hour workshop that day too and went to a costume showcase that night. Safe to safe i was exhausted the next day and didnt do much but sleep.

So i'm still quite swollen and bruised 1 1/2 weeks in, which will eventually settle down. my nipples seem to be taking well so crossing fingers the blood returns. I was worried about puckering but being able to closely examine my chest it's due to the swelling at the moment so hopefully that goes down too.

All in all i can't stop smiling at my chest - i finally feel like myself 😁

Some tips for those looking to have Top Surgery based on my experience:

MEDICINE

I have a high pain threshold - i was willing to go to uni a week post op because i could stand to - would recommend people booking off at LEAST 3 weeks prior to work/study if you can help it. I have only one class per week at the moment and its only theory so thats why i was able to travel and even then i was taken pain killers ever 4 hours.

In my mother's words "don't be a hero, if you need to take pain relief, do it". Best advice. I've weened myself off pain killers to 2 just before bed (panadine forte), or before i need to go out and do things (genral paracetamol). If you need to take more just do it - also write down when you've taken things (because its good to know how much you've had per day!) You can take iburofen and paracetamol intermittedly in 4 hour intervals (eg. Iburofen at 12pm, paracetamol at 2pm, another dose of iburofen at 4pm, etc).

You'll also be taking antibiotics - generally 3 times a day with meals. I also took probiotics 2 hours after taking my antibiotics to avoid the sideaffects of them (eg. Mouth Ulcers (which i did get dang it), thrush, etc).

I was also taking strong pain killers (for the first few days i took 2 every 4 hours then weened down to one per night). Be careful with strong pain killers - the thing doctors/people don't tend to mention is that they can be addictive/dependent drugs. Sometimes you would prefer to keep taking them and that can be an issue. I asked my surgeon at my 1 week if i could please get one more script of something a little stronger than paracetamol to take a night and it took a bit more of a discussion to get it. If you can try to get by on the paracetamol alone do so and remember you can alternate with iburofen every two hours.

WEIRD BOWELS

With all these medications you'll more than likely get constipated so adding to the list of medications i also took good ol' laxatives. The first poop after surgery was like 3 days later and it hurt 😅 the laxatives helped me after to soften my stools (cheat mode is when you're lactose intolerent and you eat a bunch of cheesecake whoops 😅). Also peeing was weird for the first week due to the anesthestics in me. It took me ages to pee, sometimes i had the feeling of needing to pee but nothing happened, and i was peeing like, every hour.

SUPPORT

Both in furniture sense and people sense.

My mum was my main support especially in the first week. She looked after me, my house and my cat. She grabbed things i couldn't access, drove me to my appointments, managed my medicine, cooked me food and generally just helped me around the place. Originally i only wanted her there for a few days but im glad she was there cause i was sore and out of it most of the time. Alongside her my two best friends were also a massive help - coming over to keep me company, drive me places, help me do my grocery shopping, tell me off for overdoing it, gave me plenty of entertainment (thanks to katie i finished wind waker!). Get yourself some support and let go of that control, you will honestly be too tired and sore to do anything anyway.

Make sure you get yourself some comfy pillows. I got myself a U shaped pillow and it has so far saved my neck so much pain. I sleep elevated which means more pillows to prop myself up. And pillows for my couch.

WASHING

So for the first 72 hours i was just a gross gremlin with dry shampoo because of the drains. My chest was covered in bandages so i couldn't wash that area anyway. After the drains were removed i was told i could have showers, but i opted for shallow bathes anyway. I was able to wash myself fine (just go slow), then i would put pants on and get my mum to help wash my hair. After my 1 week check up i started having showers, but stood out of the stream. I only have tape to cover my stitches now (i took them off for the photo) so am able to carefully wash parts of my chest and back i couldnt get to before. I can now wash my hair (slowly). Raising my arms is still not easily fesable but i can lift them to a certain point.

EMOTIONAL

Now, i wasn't as emotional as i thought i was going to be but i do know other trans guys who said they went through bouts of depression after their surgery. Its something to look out for. For me, it was emotionally draining to talk to people about it constantly. I didn't mind though and it was nice people checked up on me but it did wear me out. Its always good though to check in with your emotional state throughout to see how youre feeling. It's not an inmediate grattification, the swelling and bruising is a lot and it won't look right for a while. Also leading up to surgery people can feel fearful and doubtful, always chat to a loved one about your feelings! Personally i had no nerves leading up to surgery but afterwards i was constantly worried that i wasn't healing right. Talking to your surgeon will HELP trust me!

SCARRING

Ok this was a big shock to me so i hope this helps other people but scar medication/ointments don't actually work. I asked my surgeon about it and as a skin professional who has been studying the effects of scarring for over 40 years - this is a beauty scam you don't need to bite into.

"Time and your genetic biology are the only ways that help your scars heal, sorry to burst your bubble but save your money on that placebo".

Looking after yourself the first few months post op will help you get good results later.

Of course i understand if people will still want to buy scarring products but thought i would post the words of a professional too 😅 don't shoot the messenger on this one. And if you do decide to use the stuff then wait 6 months before doing so.

I think that's all i can think of at the moment. There's a really good private facebook group for top surgery and i got a lot of my info from there. If people are curious feel free to DM me, send me an inbox and i'd be happy to chat as best i can! My experience is based in Australia so people might have different expectations/experiences in different countries!

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈💛💛💛🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

Zelda & Zach

ihatemyguts: [Ready for a flimsy excuse to talk lmao] ihatemyguts: Question, would Lauren actually be 👍 or 👎 if I turn up to her stream? ihatemyguts: Couldn't tell inandout: ecstatic inandout: her 👚👕👖🧦 could come off inandout: it's hard to tell if she's joking ihatemyguts: I will 🏃 to 🧼 my 👀 ihatemyguts: and time my tip really well before that potential eventuality inandout: smart move inandout: people pleasing ihatemyguts: She was nice, funny ihatemyguts: no 💩 nosing but yeah, I'm not in a position to be picky inandout: she's good at the "older sister away at uni partying but still there for you" role ihatemyguts: do you have a real one? inandout: I've got a brother, he's older than her and less of a party animal ihatemyguts: Mine too ihatemyguts: he's not as old as her but first date @ 18 isn't far off the vibe inandout: Robbie would call that hella awkward inandout: but I don't think mine has had one yet at 21 inandout: unless it's with a 🤖 he created ihatemyguts: that would be as impressive as it is 😢 inandout: he only likes to flex academically impressive muscles inandout: and believes no girls are interested in that inandout: despite being at uni ihatemyguts: 💔 ihatemyguts: Bless inandout: Lauren would knock his head together with every dream girl of his he's surrounded by until it fell off inandout: I'm a pacifist though ihatemyguts: Brothers are stupid ihatemyguts: his 💭👸 might be the stereotype of a cheerleader that doesn't even exist ihatemyguts: just ⏳⌛️ inandout: wouldn't leave me shooketh to find out you're onto something inandout: he does watch Love Island ihatemyguts: 🧠 representation, man ihatemyguts: you do not always get the girl at the end and if you do, you'll have so little in common you should just put her back inandout: I had a mental image of him just forcing a girl back up onto these high shelves we have in our kitchen inandout: not today, honey ihatemyguts: 😂 ihatemyguts: if only people were shelvable ihatemyguts: keep 'em in storage 'til you're feeling 💯 inandout: + if I'm heroically expected to get her down, the stumbling block is that the 🍪🍬🍭 are kept up there ihatemyguts: she'll have to eat it all to save you right back inandout: a love story inandout: we need to pitch it to Netflix ihatemyguts: I have done so much research for this ihatemyguts: Robyn can write it ihatemyguts: Rich can DEMAND actually disabled actors, and Rosie can ask nicely inandout: you have to be the lead, then the viewers will be on edge of their seats when you eat the 🍪🍬🍭 ihatemyguts: Lauren might 👊 me for it inandout: the spotlight would give her a seizure ihatemyguts: Awh ihatemyguts: lucky teen dramas are so moodily lit ihatemyguts: think twilight not spring breakers inandout: so dark that everyone has to squint and give themselves a headache inandout: dizzying camera angles inandout: getting our own back one symptom at a time ihatemyguts: may have to 🔪🔪 someone to make 'em shit their pants ihatemyguts: but you can nominate your brother, that's cool inandout: let him come back as a 🤖 at the end ihatemyguts: how's his Arnie? inandout: hmmm inandout: borderline racist? inandout: but we're Jewish and he's Austrian, I don't think he'll come for us ihatemyguts: not gonna go zombie for that ihatemyguts: definitely free pass for life on all the racial jokes @ their expense inandout: the shortened life span will help make up for it too ihatemyguts: no 🤖 ending? ihatemyguts: 👎 inandout: abrupt fade to black inandout: hopefully ihatemyguts: Iconic ihatemyguts: see your vision inandout: much as lingering death rattle would be an epic punk band or album name ihatemyguts: 🤔 ihatemyguts: you're a frontman, right? inandout: self nominated ihatemyguts: I see it inandout: you're drums ihatemyguts: only if I get to be on a dramatic raised platform above you all at the back inandout: if you swear not to 🚿 us with 💩 ihatemyguts: it would bring the horror ihatemyguts: very Carrie ihatemyguts: but 🤞 inandout: very Slipknot ihatemyguts: I'm down for a mask situation inandout: I'm not 🥵 ihatemyguts: Valid ihatemyguts: but you're cute, people will wanna see you inandout: cute is 🐕🐩🐈 or 🐖🐑🐐🐄 inandout: we can't start an animal band unless you can talk to them and ask if they really want inandout: ...some kind of rockstar life ihatemyguts: True, Ozzy was NOT asking those 🦇 if they were about the fame inandout: and they became another casualty of inandout: sickening ihatemyguts: is that the deal ihatemyguts: my bowel has decided not to work so I get to speak to animals? ihatemyguts: 🤙 inandout: that's a 10 episode series pitch ihatemyguts: god knows there has to be a redeeming feature of a sick kid ihatemyguts: can't be an arsehole who's suffering, not relatable and not enjoyable -10/10 inandout: you can only be an arsehole if yours works inandout: hooray for me ihatemyguts: lucky ihatemyguts: don't wanna flex on you by sparking up, really inandout: can you drink? It's a no for me ihatemyguts: it's iffy ihatemyguts: like it's not great ihatemyguts: but if I don't get big sister at Uni levels, technically inandout: technically same, but who wouldn't wanna get to that level inandout: who's doing it for the taste? ihatemyguts: I personally LOVE the taste of rotting fruit inandout: I have no sense of smell and barely any of taste and even I know wine and beer are both bad inandout: maybe the first sip of spirits will change my life ihatemyguts: that's a dangerous game ihatemyguts: it's already supposedly scentless a lot of the time ihatemyguts: you'd get wasted real fast inandout: not a date then ihatemyguts: not for long ihatemyguts: 🏥 is a fave haunt obviously but not ideal, even for a 2nd date inandout: 3rd? ihatemyguts: s'one way to end up in bed ihatemyguts: sure inandout: kids at my school do keep asking me if I've ever hooked up in hospital inandout: that being my number 1 priority each time ihatemyguts: 🙄 ihatemyguts: like it's some cringy show mums would watch ihatemyguts: with the staff or with all the random hottie in their prime that are just roaming the corridors, yeah, alright inandout: + 🏥 = PICC  in case there weren't a high enough risk of getting caught or mild peril ihatemyguts: the thrill of it all ihatemyguts: worth being sick for all the steamy romance, honestly inandout: don't forget the nurses inandout: another fave topic of everyone in class ihatemyguts: yeah, the stress eating and shift work makes 'em 🔥🔥🔥 inandout: no 💐 allowed to keep the atmosphere romantic either ihatemyguts: 💔💔💔 ihatemyguts: sure your class is not concerned about the vibe inandout: well read inandout: they just wanna touch a boob inandout: which is a good song title ihatemyguts: with potential to make a b-side literally about 🍑 ihatemyguts: high🖐 inandout: hi-hat, drummer girl ihatemyguts: badumtss inandout: 🎤 drop ihatemyguts: 🙇👏 inandout: Lauren swears she'll keep her clothes on to play Breath of the Wild ihatemyguts: I'm honoured ihatemyguts: and not at all disappointed ihatemyguts: 😉 inandout: her wardrobe of onesies are incredible inandout: they'll cheer you back up inandout: 👽🤖🐛🐲🦕🦑 + more animals than you'd have time to chinwag with ihatemyguts: obviously, I need to see this to believe 🖖 inandout: like a 🦄 she has one of those too ihatemyguts: thanks for the inside scoop ihatemyguts: can pretend I'm fully psychic now ihatemyguts: get all those oddly specific requests out inandout: that'll spook her inandout: I'm for it ihatemyguts: 🔮🗣🐒 ihatemyguts: not trying too hard to compensate, AT ALL inandout: I hadn't seen the others before today inandout: that was cool ihatemyguts: For real? ihatemyguts: It seems like you all hang like all the time, from the outside creepin' in inandout: you heard the commander, we're not supposed to post pics or personal stuff ihatemyguts: still a weird rule ihatemyguts: like, I get it, online predators, poor defenseless baby disableds, not ideal ihatemyguts: if it was an IRL group, we wouldn't be going by quippy puns on our name badges inandout: [gives her his socials and Lauren is of course in his friends so she can add her too] inandout: I was gonna suggest a meet up but didn't wanna get shot down inandout: the point is, some of us can't get out and about inandout: hasn't passed me by ihatemyguts: that's true ihatemyguts: there has to be a way we can include everybody though, everybody that would possibly want to ihatemyguts: Christ, if we as a group can't think of accessibility solutions ihatemyguts: but my point is, drop you a 💬 if I have any 💡 inandout: @ Rich inandout: he'd figure it out ihatemyguts: right? ihatemyguts: not that I'm desperate for company but frankly ihatemyguts: no, it could be cool inandout: and she won't say, despite what I said about trading on her fame, but Lauren's anniversary is coming up inandout: she'll want company for that ihatemyguts: I don't know if I should know, and I know I'm not gonna ask her ihatemyguts: but it can't be a fun anniversary, anything we could do to make it less of a shit time ihatemyguts: why not inandout: you're in inandout: cool ihatemyguts: 👍 ihatemyguts: the social engagements I won't need to turn down for this ihatemyguts: busy 🐝 I ain't inandout: I wanna ask if you had loads of friends before inandout: it seems like you would ihatemyguts: Kinda ihatemyguts: and not everyone turned into total cunts either, not trying to be that tragic heroine ihatemyguts: awkward adjustment, mainly for me, I know but ihatemyguts: wish I had a cool illness, you know ihatemyguts: can't make 💩 work for me inandout: what's a cool one? ihatemyguts: there's no cool one to have, I know that, like, intelligently, I get it ihatemyguts: but at least if you've got a decent story or you aren't essentially shitting yourself to death as your quirky symptom, people are more into it ihatemyguts: it's stupid but inandout: something that makes you faint dramatically inandout: that'd be netflix worthy inandout: the harder the name is to pronounce, the better ihatemyguts: exactly, providing I do it gracefully and look pretty whilst doing it ihatemyguts: 'cos what's the point in this pain if I can't peddle it to the masses inandout: you could look pretty doing it ihatemyguts: oh yeah ihatemyguts: the glamour would be unreal 😂 inandout: 🍃 ihatemyguts: 📽 ihatemyguts: cinematic inandout: American Beauty and you're the plastic bag ihatemyguts: that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me ihatemyguts: okay, Katy Perry inandout: leave Robbie to do the 🐯 roar ihatemyguts: she's cute ihatemyguts: no offense to you but inandout: how many dates are you two going on? ihatemyguts: do her parents let her out of her house, legit ihatemyguts: 'cos that will change the answer a lot inandout: only for 🏥 inandout: but she'll wanna come to the meet up ihatemyguts: then, we'll have to go on loads of dates ihatemyguts: so I can convince them I'm very respectable and not at all contagious inandout: I know JRA sucks but they'd put her in a bubble if they could ihatemyguts: I get it but also ihatemyguts: stop ihatemyguts: actual case of how it's being dealt with making it worse, when I was in hospital, the first time ihatemyguts: there was this tiny kid, and his ma was like...just insane, which is understandable but, it weren't helping her or him inandout: she could outgrow it when she's 16, that'll shake them up ihatemyguts: serious? ihatemyguts: damn inandout: it happens inandout: that's the J inandout: for being a kid ihatemyguts: I had no idea ihatemyguts: like you stop growing and it stops fucking with you, basically? ihatemyguts: that's cool ihatemyguts: if it happens ihatemyguts: worst fucking false hope if it doesn't inandout: yep inandout: sweet or bittersweet 16 ihatemyguts: like 5 months, she said? inandout: I'm gonna go to the party inandout: you should come ihatemyguts: Yeah? ihatemyguts: you think she meant it ihatemyguts: you can tell me if it was just politeness 'cos she is inandout: loneliness inandout: but she likes us too ihatemyguts: how long have you been in the group? inandout: they gave me the info when I was 12 inandout: I didn't wanna use it then though inandout: last summer I decided to ihatemyguts: I feel you ihatemyguts: like, what should we have in common ihatemyguts: but that's actually like any friendship, you got sat next to them one day in class or they shared with you at break ihatemyguts: I was just being a dick about it inandout: there are those inandout: like fibro inandout: but the core group are cool ihatemyguts: Everyone was decent ihatemyguts: if you're a dick you just are, regardless of our shared experiences ihatemyguts: but that is more than I've got with some of my old friends, that's just facts, whether you wanna accept it or nah, you know inandout: yep, me and my 🤖 brother have nothing shared inandout: his DNA is fine ihatemyguts: how was that ihatemyguts: like, was he mad guilty and did you wanna stomp on his lungs a 🤏 bit inandout: some days inandout: but Lauren says I'm better looking than him so what else matters ihatemyguts: 😂 inandout: how's your brother doing with your 💩 life? ihatemyguts: He doesn't say a whole lot ihatemyguts: that was a thing pre 💩 life too so ihatemyguts: guess he gets to keep being mysterious and my illness feels the least invisible when I'm the only kid let out to the 🚽 multiple times a lesson ihatemyguts: 🤷 inandout: you could suggest home school inandout: Robbie's an expert, she'd do you a pro slideshow ihatemyguts: I already miss people inandout: okay, okay, we'll bring the first date forward inandout: I'll escort you to the party ihatemyguts: what's the dresscode? this is vital and I know she's already said inandout: 👑💎 ihatemyguts: Oh good, you'll look extra adorable ihatemyguts: it'll be the usual trial picking which tiara to wear but think I'll survive inandout: Maybe you can take her shopping for your first date ihatemyguts: 💡 idea I'll have to claim as my own inandout: 🙇 ihatemyguts: do any of you go to the same schools ihatemyguts: or are you meant to not know that, either inandout: I don't know where either R goes inandout: and I'd remember Lauren or Rich if they'd been at my school, I think ihatemyguts: I reckon ihatemyguts: shame ihatemyguts: not that I reckoned there'd be an underground network of secret disabled kids at mine but oh well inandout: there could be inandout: you didn't need to find out before ihatemyguts: True ihatemyguts: ⭐ not being the one though ihatemyguts: have to do some more subtle digging inandout: my school has some invisible and visibles besides me ihatemyguts: statistically, there's no chance I'm the only one inandout: most of the ones in our camp have mental health stuff though inandout: or dyslexia, ADHD etc ihatemyguts: hadn't even considered those kinds ihatemyguts: got a lot of studying to do ihatemyguts: that's how it feels ihatemyguts: I barely get what I've got, never mind the endless possibilities of how a human can be slightly fucked inandout: they tend to have their own forums anyway inandout: not that Rosie wouldn't welcome them with a sleepy hug ihatemyguts: ☺️ inandout: it's less 🏥💉🩸 I guess? inandout: sort of 💊 and 🗪 ihatemyguts: Definite crossovers but not fully the same deal ihatemyguts: I see my pharmacist so often we're on date ... ihatemyguts: dread to think inandout: people don't wanna feel like others don't understand them somewhere where they're going for solidarity inandout: or that they can't get a sentence in over all the rest that are being typed ihatemyguts: it is pretty nervewracking ihatemyguts: even if yours is decent inandout: I used to be a big lurker inandout: some days I still am inandout: Lauren will always fill up the gaps ihatemyguts: you need all types, I reckon inandout: same ihatemyguts: like families ihatemyguts: even the creepy uncle inandout: if I don't have one does that mean I'm destined to become him? ihatemyguts: only if your brother finds a cheerleader ihatemyguts: you're probably alright inandout: he could adopt Robbie and let her live cage free ihatemyguts: that was a bit creepy ihatemyguts: oh my god, it's started ihatemyguts: 👹 inandout: damn inandout: much to think about inandout: a life to reassess ihatemyguts: if you're actually going ihatemyguts: thanks ihatemyguts: for being cool inandout: you were cool first inandout: I didn't lead a revolution ihatemyguts: you had to be cool enough not to shoot it down inandout: I'm so cool I've fallen at the creepy uncle fashion hurdle inandout: can't get a 🧢 on without a haircut inandout: it's all about the 🧦 now ihatemyguts: you know how to paint a picture ihatemyguts: even though I can now stalk your socials in my own time inandout: easier to explain you than Lauren inandout: my friends at school were shook by her ihatemyguts: I can imagine ihatemyguts: she'd be happy with that though 😏 inandout: she was inandout: [posts a selfie with his best attempt at a creepy uncle aesthetic because I doubt I'm finding a gem like that from Finn] ihatemyguts: oh my god ihatemyguts: 👏 ihatemyguts: that would be fully #triggering, top marks inandout: ♟ your move inandout: wine mum or vodka aunt ihatemyguts: Oh, I have perfect wine mum clothes ihatemyguts: had very bad taste a few years back and the 👻 are hanging about ihatemyguts: hold on inandout: I can't make the baited breath comment twice in a day, that's too much inandout: and I know I did in group ihatemyguts: 💔 I'm not special enough inandout: come back tomorrow for new puns ihatemyguts: [selfie in Amma's weird little girl/suburban mom clothing 'cos was not a mood] ihatemyguts: are you sure? inandout: damn inandout: come back tomorrow for a new photo challenge ihatemyguts: alright ihatemyguts: you're on inandout: cool

personal struggles, the fate of this and other blogs and apologies.

This year so far has been strange and not good for me and this blog. Some of you know my long history with hate in this fandom and while it’s always nice to hear your kind words, the hate I get is every day worse to the point I had to take off the anonymous option on this blog, my personal, the Library, the writing events and even the damn porn blog.

A few months ago I said I was gonna delete all blogs, and as promised I also deleted my twitter account, passed the instagram account to someone else (who hasn’t done anything with it yet), deleted other b*zzf*ed related blogs I ran, and left others I helped in.

I answered to every and all asks on this blog and the porn blog (most asks now on queue or drafts, waiting to be posted slowly to not spam), finished the event that didn’t went as good as it seemed and passed the administration of the Library to my personal account to never left it die down.

During this time, something happened in my personal life and I found myself in a very dark place I never thought I would go back to after it happened to me many years ago. But it did, and I had to dealt with it all over again, but this time there was a difference, this time I knew were to start and it helped me because I was able to ask for what I needed and get help.

I’m on meds again. I’m not proud of it and it... makes me angry that I’m ashamed to admit it. I’m making less money, lost a person, stopped writing, entered a rehab therapy for two weeks for depression (I didn’t tell anyone but my family, which won me a very long fight with my best friend and two of my best friends online), ended in the hospital last month. 

That long period I spent away from this blog, forgetting to answer replies I got e-mails for and the days of check-in and whatnot for the Exchange, god they were so good even with all that mess going on. I watched and read so many things, even if suffered not writing and other physical things. But I felt good, I really did. Which I think it’s why I was happy to get back here, just to find hate on my inbox yet again (from the same person as always, by the way. This woman really is the saddest person on the planet. Yes, it’s about you. I know you are reading this), and I really thought “why do I keep doing this to myself?”

And then weeks ago I finally realized why. And it’s because I like this show so much. I like the pictures and the stories, the chat group I’m in even if sometimes I feel like they don’t like me, and most important, in spite of all the hate we get here, I love the stories I write for this fandom, and my ship. I’ve never wrote this good, gotten the chance to improve and learn better english too.

I love the writer I am in this fandom and I have wrote so much these past few weeks, and all because I started to write shy*n again. 

So what do I do?

There are days when I forget this blog exists. It’s been so boring, this hiatus and how things have changed, the lack of content makes things dry and easier to forget. I just forget it exists, but then when I get in, it’s fun when there’s no hate. I find it entertaining to go into my blogs and tag everything properly, organize tag pages and make lists of films based on things, make edits, answer old asks I didn’t have time for before.

Since now that anonymous is off I don’t get any asks, I had have the chance to answer in depth so many things I had left behind before, it’s been fun. Like it used to be, January-July of 2018 came again to remind me of how things were before The Change. I enjoyed preparing this blog for my deperture, and I found myself not wanting to go.

My first thought after that revelation? “People is going to hate on me on anonymous for changing my mind”. Isn’t that fucking sad? That I have to condition everything I do so people won’t hate me on anonymous and say horrible things just because I complain bout things, then calm down and change my mind like any other normal person does on a daily basic... on my own, personal blog? 

So, so far, this is what will happen:

The blog reminds, since it’s also kind of an archive for this fandom with how much has been posted that I know it’s resourceful to people for all kinds of things.

Anonymous will perpeturally be off in all my blogs. The Library’s inbox will remain closed.

I’m still going to take my long periods of ignoring this blog, so I’m sorry if you sent me any qs and I don’t answer right away.

It will be on perpetual semi-hiatus, since I will come back once a week to answer things, tag stuff, stock the Library’s queue and the one on this blog.

About the updates, I’m just going to post things I would like to archive myself.

New fanfics/chapters of fics coming every Saturday until I’m done posting everything I wrote these weeks. I’m still writing, so I guess my day of the week to check replies, messages and asks will be on Saturday.

I don’t think I will be around for the new season, not the way I used to. I’m so gonna watch it, but no posts from me anymore. This is a big maybe, since I’m not sure of many things right now, especially with my health as fragile as it is right at the moment.

There’s, so far, 131 original posts on queue. These are: lists that were requested on this blog on such things like all episode Shane called Ryan ‘baby’, personal favorite shyan moments with links (I worked so much in this one, I ended up hating it), etc., edits from many things, included shoots found in old articles and so on, the ongoing ‘fave insta pics’ series of Ryan, Shane, TJ, Sara, Kelsey and the boys in other people’s instagrams, more favorite fanfic edits, and more buzzships edits. Also, a few headcanons, rec lists and solo recs.

Queue will post three posts a day, one original text, one reblog, one original edit. Texts are less than the edits, so when they are over, it will be two edits and one reblog. I will be stocking the queue during my weekly visit, so I don’t know if it will eventually run off original posts or not. 

Library reminds what it is, inbox closed until further notice.

Writing Events is over, though. I’m too tired for that. At least for a long break.

This really all depends on my health and how things are once the show is back. I miss the interaction a lot, so having lost the anonymous option it’s really a big bummer for me, and maybe to the people who did like to interact with me and the blog’s content in a positive way via this option. We’ll see.

And finally, I want to apologize not only for the long of this but for my negative reactions months ago. It was wrong, childish at times and out of character. I didn’t realize I was getting bad, and when I did it had already gotten worse. I can now look at all those desperate posts and see how bad I really was at keeping it together and how desperate I was to be okay. 

While I still believe I didn’t deserve the harassment I was getting, I should had never given onto it and answer back. I shouldn’t. It was not only bad for me, but to the people who followed/follows this blog and engaged into the negativity too. 

I caused that by acting exactly how the hateful people wanted me to, and instead of showing myself as the imperfect human being I am, all people saw was a crying girl asking to be appreciated and loved back. And the reality is that forcing those things to happen won’t make it any better, on the contrary, it makes it worse.

All those times I said, “why does people have to insult me for you to care about me?”, it was because I made it happen. I decided to posts those answers and reply to the hate, and it made people, worried by my answers and the tone of them (yeah, I was pretty suicidal and paranoid, I didn’t realize until recently), send their support. It made it look like that was the case, that I needed to be hurt for people to appreciate me.

But now, I don’t post those things. Had to shut down anonymous asks. And last week I got one ask, just one, of someone saying they love this blog. There was no reason for it, just someone who saw me online and send in their positivity. And it was the best thing in the world, those short words, the best ones.

So yes. My sincere and deepest apologies to everyone, involved or not, for having acted, well, toxic in the past months. Hopefully, it won’t happen again. Meds, no anon and semi-hiatus will make a difference, I hope. And things will be fine.

Thanks for the support, the kindness and the love. And thanks for reading this bible.

Love you,

Nina.

Fictober prompts - 13 “I never knew it could be this way.” and 16 “Listen. No, really listen.”

fandom- check please

Part 9 of the SpookydooAU 

Will was pretty sure he had let more people in this week than he had the entire last few years combined.

But as he sat, warm slice pizza in hand, surrounded by excited people, tinny music playing from a phone speaker in the background - atmospheric mood setting dude! - he just couldn't bring himself to regret it.

 This wasn't casserole he’d never eat, because unlike his ma, they didn't know how much he hated broccoli.

This wasn't cries of ’you poor dear’ with too many looks of concern.

This wasn't suffocating under someone else’s pity. Or worse being told he’d be better off elsewhere.

This was...Well, it was nice.

 A little busy, a lot loud, but nice.

 He’d been leaning against the counter, just listening on the sidelines, for the better part of two slices when he felt a nudge to his arm. Nursey. ”Hmm?”

”You okay?” Nursey asked, concerned. ”I know we can be a lot, and, um, you haven't said anything in a while?”

”No, oh I mean yeah. I'm fine. It's just, I never knew it could be this way?”

Confused, Nursey asked, ”What could be which way?”

”People here. Feels right,” Will answered, glancing around at everyone again with a small smile. ”Comfortable. It's unexpected. I like it.”

”Usually quiet, way out here?”

Will nodded. Not wanting to point out that the main reason it was quiet was because he’d chased off nearly everyone left around. ”Been some years.”

”Maybe we showed up at the right time.”

”Maybe so.” Will allowed.

”Look, it’s good to be friendly.” Nursey pointed at his plate, ”Sometimes you even get pizza.”

”I could order my own pizza, you know. Have done. Many times.”

”Ah, perhaps, but you're forgetting one thing. It’s a proven fact, free food tastes better.”

”You have me there. That must be what it is. The free pizza.”

”Life-changing.”

”Yeah, it is.” Will replied, not just thinking about the pizza.

 Deciding that following that train of thought was probably not the best idea, Will decided to get everyone’s attention and do what they were there for.

Or try to get their attention.

Throat clearing and talking weren't cutting through the noise of all the separate conversations, and even hand waving was useless. He really didn't want to shout, but - Will looked helplessly over to Nursey, who snapped in the direction of Holster. He nodded and put his fingers in his mouth, letting out a truly ear-piercing whistle.

Suddenly the room was silent, and, with a small bow in his direction, Holster said, ”The floor is yours, Dex.”

 Here goes nothing, Will told himself. He was not so great at this much undivided attention. Not at all. But someone had to start the ball rolling, right?

 ”So, uh, maybe tell me what you know so far?” Will asked the group, but directed mostly towards Jack who seemed the most research-minded with his notebook and love of history and all. ”You know, about the ghost, the history, questions you're trying to answer?”

 Shitty spoke up, ”We’ve got some basics, but not much.”

”And there’s conflicting info all through,” added Lardo.

Jack said, nodding, ”It’s been frustrating, trying to sort the truth from rumor.”

”Part of the problem is because the paper of the time was little better than a rundown of the village gossip. Fine line between rumor and news.” Will told them. ”Then you add in all the other similar stories over the years. Not just here, but all over the coast, and eventually every legend becomes a mish-mash of a dozen others.”

”And New England isn't exactly hurting for ghost stories, ” Shitty pointed out.

”Exactly,” Will agreed. ”Hoping to clear up what I can for you, but, honestly, there's some things we'll probably ever know.”

 Jack opened up his notebook to start the rundown, ”Okay, facts the sources all agree on. The ghost is likely that of a lady named Louise Maine. Out of towner. Rented a room at the local inn. Disappeared her first night, found somewhere between the next day and a week after? That part varies.”

”Some people don't think that was her real name, but that's what she gave at the inn. Yeah, she was from away. This place was even smaller back then, and even tourists tended to be families repeating visits yearly. Her being a complete unknown meant she stood out. She was missing for 5 days. That's one of the few things actually in a report, but, for some reason, people still get it wrong.”

”Why do they think her name was fake?” Ransom asked.

Bitty answered, ”because after she was gone, they had notices out everywhere about her. Trying to find kin? And no word came back.”

Will nodded. ”Contacted police as far away as New York even.”

”So if she had people they never knew where she went or what happened?” Holster asked.

”Nope. Some people think maybe she didn't have anyone left,”

”Why?”

”Everyone described her black clothes, and that's all she left behind in the room too. Some took it as a sign she was in mourning.”

Random said, ”Either way...that’s so sad.” Holster nodded in agreement.

Will himself agreed. The fact she was unclaimed, no one noticing her absence, at the end had always been the saddest part of the story to him. ”I don't think you'll find a ghost story without a deep tragedy at the root, and this one has potential for a few”

 ”What about the stories that say she was on the run?” Chowder asked.

”Or running booze?” Farmer chimed in.

”No, or at least it didn't seem like it? I never bought those ones anyhow. By all reports, she seemed quite reputable. ’A real lady’ most people said. Didn't seem anxious or suspicious, which you'd expect if she was doing either. Really, the only odd parts about her visit were that it was her first time in town and her being there on her own. There were people who didn't like her being escortless. I think the reports saying she was up to something, or hiding from someone, probably came from some guy judging her, a single woman traveling on her own-”

”Why wasn't she home taking care of a family or with her own blah blah,” Shitty rolled his eyes.

”Basic bullshit.” Will confirmed.

”Fuck the patriarchy!” came a yell from Farmer.

Quickly followed by, ”Damn right!” from Lardo.

”You’ll get no argument from me!” Will put his hands up. ”Then when she said she was headed out to the shore and refused to let anyone accompany her that would have upset them even more. The only thing I'll say in their defense, is that it is a dark and dangerous road. Not that going off with a stranger would have been necessarily safe either, obviously, but her not knowing the area and if the fog had come up? It would have been dangerous. The shore road would have been the longest part of making her way to the harbor, and,” adding with an air quote, ”where there are the most ’sightings’ even today.”  

 Chowder said, excited, ”I think we saw someone on the road going back last night! Maybe it was her!!!???”

Will shook his head, ”Nah. Probably saw my neighbor, she lives just offshore across the way. Walks that damned road after dark all the time. Insomnia, or something,” he said with a shrug. With a frown, he continued, ”I’ve tried to warn her it isn’t safe. It wouldn’t be the first accident there, but what can you do? People have been ignoring that advice for more years than I've been alive. Clearly.”  

“Well, if she’s always walking that way, has she seen things?” Nursey asked. Adding hopefully, “Maybe we can talk to her?”

”Talked to her yesterday, and she said she wouldn't be around, but,” Will continued quickly, after seeing the disappointment in Nursey’s face, ”she did give permission for you guys to explore the land. Beach frontage, outside the house. No breaking and entering though! I promised I'd keep an eye over.”

 Will looked across the room to see Bitty pointing to the notes questioningly and whispering while Jack tried to both shoo and hush him. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, but there seemed to be some sort of debate going on. ”Whatever it is, you might as well ask,” he told Jack.

 ”I don't want to-” Jack started nervously, looking to Bitty who motioned him to continue. ”I’m not saying, I mean, I don't think-” he paused before continuing, all in one breath, ”There was this one book. It said the lighthouse keeper was a suspect. And I'm not saying I think he did! But do you know why they would say that? Was it just because she washed up into the harbor? I don't mean to say I believe your relative would-”

Will held up a hand, interrupting him ”Jack, breathe.”

Jack mumbled down at the table, ”Sorry Dex, but I didn't want you to think we were blaming your family, or disrespecting you in your own house, or-”

”It’s fine. I know you aren't.” Will pointed out, ”Do you really think I’d be shy about booting your asses out if I believed that for a minute?”

Looking relieved that he actually hadn't upset him, Jack smiled, ”No. You don't seem to have a problem doing that...sticking to it maybe.”

”Usually not, but first time for everything so I guess you've got me there. One thing though,” Will asked, ”That wasn't even a widely published theory. As far as I knew, it only made it into one true mystery collection book and that was decades ago. Where did you even find it?”  

 Jack shrugged, ”I go to a lot of libraries.”

Chowder threw a napkin at him and said, laughing, ”Yeah you do!”

The whole group joined in the laughter, which made Will feel...not great? Already a little on edge, feeling left out of the joke almost felt as bad as being the brunt of it. Was he? He could feel himself getting defensive as he asked, ”What? I don't get it.”

”Had to do something other than take weird pictures.” Lardo explained. Sort of.

”What now? So you have a photography thing?” Will asked Jack.

”No, well yes, but not this.” came Jack’s half explanation.

Bitty cleared things up much better, saying, ”Jack and Chowder both travel a lot for work. Couple years back they got into a competition for who could take the most pics of Nursey’s books in different places. Airports, bookstores, libraries.”

 Will turned to Nursey, ”You're an author?”

”Kind of.”

”’Kind of’, he says,” scoffed Ransom.

Will wondered if he should have made them promise not to write a book about this. There were enough versions out there already, and he really didn't want to see more. Drawing extra attention. Especially if he was letting them in on things, what if more people showed up on his door. He thought this was a hobby thing. Shit. What had he gotten himself into- ”You won't...this isn't...you not planning to write a book about all of this are you?”

”Nah, I wouldn't. First off, I’m not that big a deal. Not that anyone would read anything from me to do with this. History, fiction or otherwise. I'm more a poetry guy. Second, even if I did that kind of writing, which I don’t, clearly you value your privacy. I wouldn't do something like that, especially without talking to you first.”

”Thank you,” Will let out his breath, relieved. ”Hold on. You say you're not a big deal, but you must be good to have your book all over though...Are you famous?”

”Mildly? I guess? I mean, I won some awards or whatever.” Nursey answered, flustered.

Teasingly, Will asked the others, ”What's it like having a famous friend?”

They all looked around at each other before Shitty answered, ”It sure is...something.”

”Well, if I realized I was in the presence of a celebrity, I would have done something special. I don't know, pulled out actual plates or something” he smirked and tossed a crumpled up paper plate at Nursey.

That got some laughs all around, but if it came a little strained from between Jack and Chowder Will didn't notice. He also didn’t notice Bitty patting Jack’s arm.

 ”Okay, anyway, back to your questions Jack,” Will continued, ”There’s no way Great Grandfather would have been responsible. Definitely not. He was the nicest- he just wouldn't.  If there was any talk about him being involved at all, and I didn't think there was much of that either, it could have been because some thought he should have been the last to see her. What I always heard, was that he’d gone in from the house to meet a friend at the inn for a drink. Got there not long after she’d left, and heard people talking about her. Asked if he’d seen her on his way in. He hadn't and should have gone right past her, if she headed to the harbor like she said she was going to. Agreeing that she shouldn’t have set off that way on her own so late, he decided to leave right then and keep his eyes out on the way back. Still, he made it all the way back here without seeing a single sign of her. Great grandmother thought maybe she'd seen some lights on the far shore, but couldn't say for sure. The next morning the search really started, but still nothing. They saw her footprints leading from the brush into the sand. GreatGrandfather really had walked right past her, they assumed she must have hidden for some reason. Maybe she was startled by a stranger calling out to her? Less than a week later her body washed up to a rock ledge at the cliff base and she was spotted.

”Was she murdered or, well, how did she die?” Farmer asked, biting her lip.

”Uh, that's the tough one,” Will admitted. ” There are as many theories as there people telling the story. With no one to claim her or to demand follow up, there was barely an official report, no autopsy. Once they gave up trying to track down her people that was the end of all investigation. I've heard just about everything. Only thing agreed on was that when she washed up her hands were tied and weighed down. No obvious cause of death, other than assumed drowning. But why or how and who else, if anyone, was there? No one can say. Complete mystery.”

  Lardo asked, ”Where is she buried? Because we searched that whole cemetery and couldn't find her stone.”

”You wouldn't have,” Will answered.

”Isn’t she there? That was the cemetery we read about.”

”She is buried there, but it's not marked,” Will clarified. ”She’s right in front of the tree grove off on the side.”

”You couldn't have told us that? We looked for hours!”

”I mean, I could have. But then I didn't? Not my fault you only asked for help getting there.” Will smirked.

”You, Dex, are a bit of an asshole.” Nursey said, surprised.

”Yep.”

”I like it,” Nursey admitted, and they clinked glasses in a mock toast.

 Bitty spoke up, ”If y’all are done, it’s getting late, so what’s the plan?”

”I think we need to split up and pick spots to check out,” Shitty suggested.

”Split up? Are you sure we want to do that?” Ransom worried. ”Every movie and show I have ever watched says that's how people end up missing in the first place!”

”But we only have so long, and we're already behind!” Shitty argued.

”Hey Rans, what if you and I take here?” Holster offered. ”I know the lighthouse isn't likely spot for the ghost since she probably didn't make it out this far, but just in case? Someone should hang back and check it out.”

”I'll leave the house open just in case you strike out and don't want to freeze out there all night. Gets cold on the rocks.” Will offered.

”Me and you?” Ransom asked Holster. ”Okay, sounds good.”

”So that leaves the cemetery, the shore road, and the beach,” Will went down the list.

”Lards and I can take the cemetery, ” Shitty offered.

”If you tell us where we're looking this time,” Lardo qualified. ”Like, I want a map, drawing, something dude. Not just ’under some trees’. There's a whole forest around there.”

”She’s off to the right, under the largest tree. There's a pile of stones right over,” Will told her. ”I’ll draw a diagram or something though. And I'd really feel better if I was at the beach and around there. It's just that my friend’s house is there, and I did promise to watch out for it and-”

Nursey spoke up, ”Sure, that sounds like a good idea. Alright if I go with you?”

”Why not. Best that no one is on their own anyway. Try not to fall in the ocean this time though.” Will said, with a laugh and a shit-eating grin directed at Nursey’s narrowed eyes and shaking head.

”That leaves the rest of us on the shore road then.” Jack said, ”I actually do have a ‘photography thing’ and I kind of wanted to take some shots of the road in the fog before we left anyway.”

“So the four of you can cover that?” Will asked Jack, Bitty, Farmer, and Chowder. It was better than someone going alone, but still, he worried. When they agreed, he told them, extremely serious, ”Now listen. No, really listen. Stick together, and make sure one of you keeps watch for traffic the whole time. Cars come out of nowhere with all the sharp bends and you can’t count on them seeing you.” He looked at what they were wearing, and, other than Jack’s shoes, none of it was all that great for visibility. ”Let me see if I have some coats or vests for you to borrow. You'll need something reflective, I have some stuff in my gear that might work. Some flashing tags, at the very least.”

”We have a few lanterns too,” Bitty told him.

”Make sure you use them, bring spare batteries too. Can't be too safe.”

”We’ll be careful,” Jack assured Will.

 Plans made, Will went to dig through his spare gear to see what things he had that might work. He left his phone to be passed around and everyone entered in their numbers. Chowder also downloaded a walkie-talkie app and added him to their group in there as well. Between that and getting ready, they had all pitched in and had tidied up the kitchen by the time he came back in.

With everyone geared up the best he could manage, Will asked, ”I guess we’re ready to go then?”

  --

Back when I was still insisting to @rhysiana​ that I was not going to write a fic about lighthouse keeper Dex – like a liar - I picked a picture of a lighthouse that would have been perfect for him anyway. Hendricks Head. Privately owned by a family, loads of warnings not to trespass, private people. And that lighthouse, of course, had a ghost story attached. I fell down the research rabbit hole, and then this happened. I've, obviously, taken A Lot of liberties with it (and will continue to) but that's where I started. The disappearance does make for a pretty interesting story, but, imho and with apologies to Dex, it really doesn't look so great for the lighthouse keeper.

Who, funnily enough for me connecting it to Check Please, was named Knight.

“Why do you hate me?” - Ben Hardy | part 15

a/n: i don’t know how to make fake IG posts, so it’s a little bad during that part :/ and again, i’m not sure if i 100% like this, but it’s something :) aaaand the ending sucks 😪

warnings: mentions of sex (no smut), language

Your POV:

Waking up the next morning, you noticed that Gwilym and Joe were the only ones who stayed. You don’t remember the rest leaving, but you also don’t remember falling asleep on Ben’s chest. Which, you were woken up by a rumble of laughter from Ben.

“Mornin’, darling. Fancy some leftover pizza? Or our breakfast from yesterday?” Ben asked when he saw you were awake.

“Pizza, of course.” He smirked and shook his head.

“That’s my girl.” You stood from your spot and walked to the kitchen to retrieve a cold piece of pizza. Once you had a plate with a couple pieces on it, you made your way back into the living room to talk with the boys before they left.

“I can’t believe you’re cheating on me, Ben. I guess I have to go back to cardboard Ben.” Your boyfriend rolled his eyes and pulled you closer.

“I can. (Y/N) is so much better than you…” Ben’s voice tapered off as he joked around. Joe gasped dramatically and clutched his chest. You and Gwilym shared a look that said ‘I can’t with these two.’

“So (Y/N) can cuddle you better than me?” Ben nodded.

“If I were you, I wouldn’t egg him on, I’d stop talking,” you whispered in Ben’s ear. He chuckled a little and shrugged.

“It’s fun. Fun to mess with him.” You rolled your eyes this time and went back to eating your “breakfast.”

The three of you continued to converse about random things going on in your lives, to talking about yours and Ben’s lives specifically.

“Are you going to announce you two are together? Because fans went crazy after seeing you two at the premiere together,” Joe asked and commented. That got you thinking. Did you want your relationship with Ben to be out there?

“Well, we’re going to the release party for my new movie tonight. So, I figured fans would assume we’re together,” Ben said, looking at you for your reaction.

“Only if you’re okay with it,” he added.

“I mean, I don’t want every aspect of our relationship to be publicized, but I think we should announce it instead of leaving everyone, including fans, speculating. Which can cause drama.”

“Should we post something after the premiere then? Like a rather intimate photo, something like us getting ready together, or having a moment before we walk the carpet?” Ben suggested.

“You could post one now. I don’t want to make this creepy or anything, but I took a photo of you two last night. (Y/N) fell asleep on you and as soon as you noticed, you wrapped your arms around her, and then you soon fell asleep,” Gwil said, handing you his phone, which was opened up to the photo. You and Ben both looked at it, grinning softly at the intimate moment. Sleeping in your home, although it wasn’t a bed, it was good enough. It immediately became your favorite picture of you and Ben.

“This is my favorite picture, Gwil. Thank you,” you said, handing his phone back. He smiled at you as he quickly sent you and Ben the photo.

“Feel free to post it. It’s really cute, and even though you aren’t awake, you can see how much you love each other.” Your eyes teared up a little for some reason. You ignored them and sat up from your spot to hug Gwi.

“We should get going. You two seem to have a big day planned, so we’ll head out. Good luck at the premiere tonight,” Gwilym announced, motioning for Joe to get up as well. He huffed out in annoyance and reluctantly stood. They both said their goodbyes, and were gone.

As soon as the door shut, Ben took your plate into the kitchen, leaving you by yourself in the living room.

“Why is the party in London if most of the actors are American?” You asked Ben as he sat back down on the couch, leaving the plate in the sink.

“It takes place in a European country, and since they couldn’t book it in Italy or Dubai, they chose London, as it’s pretty easy to hold a premiere here.” You nodded, still a little confused, but went along with it.

“You know, we have yet to sleep in our bed,” you stated randomly. Ben chuckled and hummed out as a response.

“That’s true. Hopefully, after tonight, we can. If we don’t crash on the couch as soon as we get home.”

“If I do, please carry me upstairs,” you told him, giggling quietly. He nodded and kissed your forehead.

“Of course, my love. Now, we actually have to go to the hotel near where the party is being held. We have to be there at, I think 3, then the event starts at 5.”

“I don’t even have a dress!” You realized and panicked. Ben shushed you and rubbed your back.

“I picked something out for you. Don’t worry, I think it’ll look beautiful on you. I mean, anything does.” he smirked and winked suggestively.

“Stop being so cheeky.”

“I just love ya.” He kissed your cheek and pulled you close to his body.

“I love you, too. So, what should we do for another,” you checked your phone for the time, “three hours until we have to leave?”

“We could, um, post that photo Gwil took of us and see the fans go crazy.”

“Let’s do it. You should post it, most fans don’t know my Instagram.

“Well, they will now. I’m gonna tag you, of course.”

“I’m fine with that. I know I’m going to get hate, so I really can’t stop anything.” At your words, you were now starting to get scared. How were the fans going to react that Ben isn’t single anymore? What if they don’t like you? Do they know you played Dominique, and that’s how you met Ben? Will they recognize you from the premiere?

“Love, are you alright?” Ben asked when he noticed you were quiet and staring down at your lap for a while. Your eyes met his, which were filled with worry.

“Y-yeah. Just scared about what people are going to think of me,” you shyly admitted.

“They’re going to love you, I guarantee it. If they don’t, then that’s their problem. Our relationship is none of their business, besides what we want to share with them, alright?” You nodded slightly and cuddled into his chest.

“You ready?” He asked as he opened Instagram and clicked on the new post button. You sighed quietly and pressed a quick kiss to his neck as a response.

He clicked on the picture of you two and cropped it, deciding to leave a filter off it, and started to think of a caption. You stayed quiet while he thought, and eventually he started typing away. His finger hovered over the ‘share’ button. He glanced at you, checking to see if you were going to stop him. When he realized you were more than okay with it, he pressed the button and watched as the post popped up on his timeline.

benhardy: this girl ❤️

joe_mazzello: why did you do this to me Ben? Cardboard Ben would never treat me like this

benhardy: @joe_mazzello new house, who’s this?

mrgwilymlee: you two are the cutest. credit to me for the pic though 😉

benhardy: @mrgwilymlee of course mate

benisperfect1291: OH MY GOSH BEN!!!

benhardyorbencardy: AH THIS IS TOO PURE

borhapfan7391: BEN’S RESPONSE TO JOE??? DID HE GET A NEW HOUSE???

benhardy: @borhapfan7391 I did :)

hardymazzellolee: you two are literally perfect 💕

bohemianqueen62: GUYS THIS IS (Y/N)! SHE PLAYED DOMINIQUE IN BORHAP!!!

queenxborhap: THIS IS (Y/N)?!?!?! THEY WERE SO CUTE TOGETHER IN THE FILM OMGGGG 😭😭😭😭

You two looked through the comments together, laughing at the group’s interactions, and liking positive and nice comments that fans are saying.

“See? They all love you, and they love us together,” he said, kissing your temple softly.

“Yeah,” you smiled softly after seeing a comment about how beautiful you looked. Even though you were sleeping.

“They’re all so nice.”

“I told you, darling. Now, let’s leave that and gather our things that we’re going to need for the night.” You both stood and headed up to your room, only for you to stop in the doorway. Ben was already in the bedroom and turned after he noticed your pause.

“I have nothing here, besides what I had in my overnight bag two nights ago.” Ben’s eyes widened with realization and a hint of embarrassment.

“I uh, I forgot about that, to be completely honest.” You laughed lightly and stepped forward to hug him.

“We can go to your apartment tomorrow and get your things. You also need to tell your landlord your leaving.”

“I called him yesterday. He said I have a week or so to get everything out and turn my key in. He already has everything done with the paperwork, so all I really need to do is pack everything up.” Ben nodded at your words and left to rummage through the drawers.

“Since we’re going to be getting into fancy clothes when we get to the hotel, you can wear an old shirt of mine and a pair of sweatpants.” He threw you a ratty-looking shirt and a pair of joggers, which you knew would be way too big on you, but you didn’t care.

You started to get changed as Ben gathered a few things he would need. You looked over at his pile and saw that it consisted of his phone, headphones, his charger, chapstick, and his wallet. No cigarettes or lighter. Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Ben’s been smoking for over ten years, why doesn’t he have any cigarettes with him?

“Hey Ben?” His head raised at your voice, eyes wide with curiosity.

“Where are your cigarettes and lighter? You always have them with you?” You asked as you nodded towards the pile. He sighed and sat on the bed, ready to answer.

“I quit.” Your eyes widened and your jaw dropped.

“Why? And how? You’ve been smoking for so long, how can you quit so easily?” He shrugged.

“It’s been hard, but I’ve been getting through it. I stopped that day you came to talk to me. I wanted to better myself for you. I didn’t want you being around smoke all of the time, with the knowledge that I was planning on asking you to move in with me. I didn’t want our new home to be filled with the smell of smoke, especially if we plan on having kids in the future. I wanted to quit early enough. So, after that day, I haven’t picked one up. Like I said, it hasn’t been easy, but you take my mind off of wanting to do it again. I realized how disgusting of a habit it is, and I can’t believe you wanted to kiss me.” You laughed at his joke and stepped forward to sit next to him.

“I’m glad you stopped, but I don’t want to be that girl who changes her boyfriend. I don’t want you changing for me. If you want to smoke, I don’t care. You’ve been smoking long before you met me.”

“I stopped smoking for you and our future kids,” he whispered. Your heart swelled at his words, eyes watering at the fact that Ben would do that for someone that isn’t even conceived yet.

“I don’t want them growing up in a house filled with the smell. That’s why I bought this house, furnished it with new things, and plan on getting rid of most of the things in my apartment.”

“Ben…”

“(Y/N), I made a promise to you that I would treat you like you should be treated. No one should ever had to be around smoke, and I’m sorry I smoked when I was around you. I know second hand smoke can be just as dangerous, and I’m so so sorry that you were around that.”

“Ben, please, stop talking for one second.” He turned to look at you, waiting for you to speak.

“I don’t know how I haven’t noticed that you stopped,” you chuckled, grabbing his hand. He laughed along with you and stared at you lovingly.

“I’ve wanted to stop ever since I met you. But with the stress of our whole relationship and all of our problems, I only felt the need to smoke more. But then, when you finally told me you were willing to work on our relationship, I made a promise to myself and you that I would quit. And so far, I kept it.” Tears were streaming down your cheeks as you listened to him.

“You were willing to quit just for me?” You asked through your tears. He nodded and wrapped his arm around your shoulder.

“I love you, and I don’t want you to have health problems because of me.” You turned to bury your face in his shoulder as he rubbed your back.

“Let’s sit and cuddle for a while, okay?” He suggested, pulling away to move back onto the bed to sit against the headboard. You smiled happily and moved to rest against his body.

“Look at that, our first time in our bed,” Ben said, chuckling a little at the tiny sexual innuendo.

“Shush it.”

“I honestly can’t wait until we do have sex in this bed. It’s so much more comfortable than the one in my apartment.” You blushed profusely at his comment, even though you two have done it a few times, he still managed to make you feel flustered.

“Okay, if you’re gonna hint at that, I’m going to get my stuff ready.” You sat up from his embrace and stood in front of the bed.

“What stuff, love? You just told me you have little to nothing here,” he smirked at you.

“You don’t have to feel embarrassed about it, (Y/N). Please don’t feel like I’m making fun of you, because I’m not. I love you so much, and I love that you trust me to be so vulnerable and loving with me.”

The air in the room became suddenly tense and lustful. Your eyes darkened as Ben spoke softly, you stepped closer to him every second.

“How much time so we have?” You asked, your voice just above a whisper. Ben looked down at his watch.

“Two hours.”

“Fuck me. On our new bed, to break it in.” Ben immediately grabbed you and began kissing you, practically ripping off the clothes you just put on minutes ago.

You both were now on your back, trying to catch your breaths as you came down from your highs.

“Best way to break a bed in, huh?” Ben jokes, bringing your sweaty body closer to his. You let out a quiet chuckle and closed your eyes, your head now resting on his chest.

“I love you, Ben.”

“I love you too, baby.”

A couple hours later, you two were now at the hotel near the party venue. You were dressed in Ben’s clothes as the hair stylist went to work, and the make-up artist started testing different foundations and colors on your skin.

Ben sat on the bed, messing around on his phone as he waited for his suit to be ironed.

“So, have you seen your dress?” Ben’s main stylist came up to ask you.

“Uh, no. Ben told me that I’d look great in it, but you know, he’s my boyfriend so he’s obligated to say that.” She let out a loud laugh as she reached over and grabbed the bag containing your dress.

“He picked it out himself,” she winked, looking over to him, who happened to be blushing a little due to being put on the spot.

She let you get your hair and makeup finished, and when it was finally time to see your dress, she unzipped the bag. Ben stood behind you, his hands on your waist, already dressed and ready. As she unzipped it, your jaw dropped. It was gorgeous.

It was a light powder, baby blue, with a sheer, sparkling tulle covering the skirt. It was simple yet beautiful

“I love it,” you were speechless. She smiled lightly as she took the dress from the bag.

“Ben told me it looked like Cinderella’s dress, and he mentioned that she’s your favorite Disney princess.” You turned around in Ben’s arms and brought him in for a kiss.

“It’s perfect, my prince.” He loved when you called him that, just as much as he loved calling you his princess.

“Let’s get this on you so you two can head down to the premiere!” Ben let go of you and sat on the bed, patiently waiting for you to finish getting dressed.

Once you slipped the silver heels on, Ben stood and grabbed your hand, guiding you to the elevator to head down to the car.

The entire ride to the venue, Ben was complimenting you nonstop. You didn’t even need to be wearing blush in the first place. Ben’s hand never left yours as you two stepped out of the car, and onto the carpet full of photographers from newspapers, magazines, and websites.

His hand moved to the small of your back, conveniently where there was a hole in the dress.

“BEN! BEN! OVER HERE!” The paparazzi continued to shout to get his attention. You now remembered why you hated premieres, especially the one for your first movie.

“How do you do this all the damn time, Ben?” You laughed as he pulled you along.

“I’m still not used to it. But now that I have you, maybe it’ll be better.” He leaned in to press a kiss to your forehead, your eyes closing in happiness.

You were then pulled away to do interviews. Well, Ben was doing them while you stood off to the side with the assistant you two were assigned.

You made small talk with her, but noticed that Ben was waving you over. You immediately walked over to him, his arm subconsciously wrapping around your waist.

“So, how is life with Ben so far? We saw today that he confirmed your relationship, but how long has this been going on?” She was super nice, but she couldn’t have asked Ben this?

“Well, we just got together two days ago, but we’ve known each other for over two years. We met on while shooting Bohemian Rhapsody, but things didn’t start off well,”

“I was a jerk to her, let’s just leave it there,” Ben cut you off, not wanting to explain your whole story. You caught on and gave very vague details.

“Yeah, it wasn’t easy, there was a lot of ups and downs, but I’m so happy that we’re finally together. He’s such a loving and caring person.” Ben stared at you with so much love and adoration, he felt his heart skip so many beats just by looking at you.

The night continued, surprisingly with ease. Ben stayed by your side the entire night, knowing how much you hated premieres, and held your hand as much as he could. If he wasn’t able to, his hand was pressed to your back. He wanted you to feel as comfortable as possible. And he did.

The party was coming to a close about three hours later, and you honestly couldn’t be happier. You couldn’t wait to finally sleep in a real bed. Ben didn’t drink tonight just because he knew he had to drive home; you were thankful for that because it meant that you weren’t going to have to drive him. It’s not that you didn’t want to, you just hate night driving, especially since the drive back to your place is not lit by street lights.

Once Ben said his final goodbyes to everyone, he grabbed your hand and headed to the same car that you two arrived in. It immediately headed for the hotel, and once it arrived in the front, you two quickly ran inside to gather your things so you could head home.

“You ready, love?” Ben asked once you were both settled in the car, both of you back in your comfy clothes, your fancy ones packed away in the backseat.

“Yep.” He pulled out of the parking lot and started in the direction of your home.

An hour and forty five minutes later, you two arrived home, although you had to be woken up by Ben, after falling asleep fifteen minutes in to the drive. You felt bad for leaving Ben in the quiet, although he did have the radio. What you didn’t know is that he didn’t mind; it gave him time to think about your future together.

The second you two were inside, you immediately trudged up the stairs to remove your makeup and undo your hair. Ben followed close behind, quickly changing into a plain white t-shirt and his boxers. You however, stayed in his sweats and t-shirt; it was a little cold in the room anyways.

Ben was already laying in bed under the covers, while you were struggling to stay awake, trying to take your hair down. You groaned out in annoyance, and Ben suddenly appeared, not saying a word. Instead, he silently helped you retrieve all of the bobby pins and clips in your hair and set them on the counter.

Once they were all out and your makeup was off, you switched the bathroom light off and quickly slipped under the covers. A few seconds later, Ben was under them as well, pulling you into his chest and holding you close.

“I love you, baby. So much. Thanks for coming with me to the release party. I know how much you hate these types of things,” he whispered quietly, not wanting to ruin the peaceful setting.

“I love you too. I want to support you through everything. I’ll always be here, right by your side, Ben. Now let’s sleep, I’m exhausted.” He chuckled lightly and pressed his lips to your head.

“Goodnight, love.” You didn’t respond, so he knew you were already passed out. He smiled to himself as he took in his surroundings.

A couple hours outside of the city, in your new home, finally sleeping in your bed together for the first time. He is content, and wouldn’t have it any other way.

tags: @kazzys-queenblog

Reassurance

my friend met a friendly homeless guy the other night who showed him a community shelter and the idiot gives him acid as thanks even though the homeless guy was already clearly on other drugs and at the shelter the homeless guy blacked out and they kicked my friend out well they told him to come back a few hours later but my friend just ran away scared today a group of homeless guys went up to him at the park and said "well look who decided to show his face" he ran away he's been hearing things all day and a couple hours ago he told me he was hearing people talking about him as the killer bc he thinks he killed the homeless guy i really don't know if he's delusional or if something really really bad happened but he can't spend another night on the streets it's cold in montreal now i booked him a hotel room in the city and told him to rest up and we'll figure something out tomorrow and this fucking guy sends me a dick pic as a joke saying it was a selfie i'm sure he's just exhausted and delirious but i'm kind of upset he better be embarrased and apologize tomorrow morning i spent 300 dollars on his hotel bc he's in downtown i was so worried

lol he seems a funny guy the best he can do rn is get some good rest n food n water in him. hopefully getting his basic needs fulfilled will get the voices away how’d u two meet

we haven't met yet but i've known him on discord for a couple years he moved to montreal from alberta on my insistence he was depressed and his life was going nowhere and i felt the same living in new york until i moved to toronto i really opened up there and i thought him moving to montreal would be the same for him

did it end up worse?

but he ran out from his job last month yea couldn't pay rent and now he's homeless

wdym he ran out

he had a panic attack and stopped showing up

what was his job

at a restaurant i feel like an idiot when i moved to toronto i had at least a couple friends there and my mom knew people there i lived on couches my first month there and my friends helped me a lot but this guy went in totally alone i really should have known i feel really bad that's why i'm moving to montreal next month to help get him out of the mess i sent him in he thinks i'm being a good friend right now but fuck i'm really an idiot

so ur just gonna throw away everything u have in toronto?

i already did over a year ago when i lost my job in toronto and had to come back to new york at the start of the pandemic i lost all my friends way of life a lot of things important to me

cuz of the pandemic?

the pandemic

ah

i met a girl i loved very much and i watched our relationship crumble and turn bitter over the course of a year we should have broke up when i left i thought going back to school would help fill me with purpose but i just crumbled in school too and now i'm taking another gap year im just fucking everything up

no ur not. ur putting in as much effort as u can in one shitty situation after another whatever the outcome is, ur heart is in the right place eventually things will straighten out. there’s no changing the past, but u seem to have a lot of options ahead of u. u just gotta play ur hands right i’m glad u found sweetness when u did. it changed my life n i hope it’ll change urs

i dont know where my heart is i haven't been myself in over a year

from what i can tell ur an amazing person

u kno when someone u know is just out of it one day and not being themselves it's been like that for a really long time for me

i definitely know what ur talking ab the haze

i don't know who i am anymore i'm not good with words right now but i don't want to be who i used to be that version of me is too far away but i don't know who to become i can't describe it properly right now im just blabbering at this point im glad my friend didn't get mugged or arrested or worse i had a discord b4 but i tried to disconnect myself from anything to face my fear and to be totally alone but im back so i failed

u didn’t fail

the ppl in sweetness are nice

i tried that too n when i returned i was ashamed then i realized i had to accept those ppl into my life. i had to let them let me connect ya know ya know i haven’t known who i am for a long time as well. what helps me is getting into art, in whatever medium it may be. i personally chose conversation as my art form, hence the dream conversations in my story. just having a conversation whether it be with real ppl or made up ones that i write up helped me think ab myself i’m terrible at introspection and my own identity so i literally just ask ppl to describe me or what what they think of me lol ppl r always ready connect

i used to be the opposite i don't know myself anymore and im not really paying attention but i used to be so aware of my own state and attuned to subtleties i used to be really upbeat and happy go lucky but it's been so long since i've felt naturally like that i'm not sure if it's true for me to say that's the real me anymore maybe who i am now is the real me

i learned a long time ago that there’s no such thing as a “real me” the you before was the real u n the you now is also the real you. you are always you, it’s just that ppl change

what about personas and masks

ur going through a rough arc rn, but that doesn’t mean that it’s u forever

to me the true self is the one with nothing to hide you wrote about it in your story how you change a bit of yourself to everyone a different you tailored to different people but the most unchanged version of you i thought that was true self it's hard because i'm in a rough arc now but it's not the first time ive beat depression before and won but it feels like cancer it feels like remission is way harder to beat and it hurts the most to see your progress crumble and you go back to right where you started

definitely, but the fact that ur talking to me rn means that u haven’t been beaten yet letting it out to someone definitely helps a ton

[a different you tailored to different people] i believe those r all just different parts of one you

i wonder

because ppl can’t be one thing all the time. ppl r too complex for that it’s the ability to adapt and change that makes us human. knowing that things will always end up changing for u can be scary but it can also be comforting there’s always room for a new or a more

thanks for reminding me i already know this deep down inside but it's very deep down and i don't feel it there's a lot down there i'm not ready to face yet

as long as u know it’s down there n as long as you’ll get to it eventually, it’s ok to take ur time

i cant be taking my time not when i have so much time to make up for agh

just make sure ur not pushing urself too hard

sorry i think im just being difficult thank u i at least needed someone to talk to about what happened tn

no definitely not i very much enjoyed this conversation feel free to talk to me any time !

u as well

i redid an ask meme that i had originally done ~3 years ago to see the comparison so for archiving purposes im putting it in a lil journal entry here ! i wanna start doing small journal entries again it was fun when i did that

new answers bolded

1) what images do you have set for your desktop/cell phone wallpapers?

my desktop bg is literally just…. a collage of kageyama manga screencaps a h a,,,, and my cellphone bg are drawings some gay drew me like 74724 years ago :v // my desktop rn is actually a background from one of the dmmd routes LMFAO..... idk which one it is but i’ve always liked those bg pics!! my cell lock screen is p5 art and my bg is leopika

2) have you ever had a crush on a teacher?

nooooope // nah

3) what was your last text message?

my phone is dead so i wouldnt be able to tell you lmfao i dont even remember // it was a gif from kelly lol

4) what do you see yourself doing in 10 years?

hopefully working a job i enjoy and making costumes and being happy!! // god i have no idea and it freaks me out... hopefully working,,

5) if you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?

hoommee ((or at katsucon tbh)) // at the beach with friends maybe

6) what was your coolest halloween costume?

a white cat probably lmao // i dont think ive ever had a particularly exciting halloween costume but one year i was sharpay from high school musical and i think i peaked then tbh

7) what was your favorite 90s show?

uhhhh….. i didnt really… start watching tv until like… the 2000′s so i really cant tell you man lol // spongebob started in 1999 does that coUNT,

8) who was your last kiss?

(answer redacted) // :/ someone should kiss me so i can change this answer lmao

9) have you ever been stood up?

nope //  nah

10) favorite ice cream flavor?

vanilla w/ vanilla oreos ok u need to underst a n d // this hasn’t changed i haven’t had this particular ice cream in a long time but i still stand by it

11) have you been to las vegas?

nahh // nope

12) your favorite pair of shoes?

idk i have these black ones i wear everywhere lol // i have a pair of white sneakers that i refuse to stop wearing now

13) honestly, have you ever cheated on your significant other?

i wouldnt even consider it. // no bc i’m not a piece of shit lmao?

14) what is your favorite fruit?

hmmm…. pineapple orrr…. strawberries but only if they’re the really good kind like they have to be perfect // pineapple!!

15) have you talked to anyone on tumblr that you could see yourself  dating/having sex with? if possible?

….. ye s… yes. // in the past apparently so but thinking about it now nah lol

16) are you into hookups? short or long term relationships?

hookups arent my thing eh i prefer long term relationships altho i cant really say ive been in a “long” term relationship pffff // i don’t think hookups will ever be my thing, emotionally long term relationships are what i’m here for but i’m also a Very Impulsive Person so i cant tell you if this will stay a fact :’)

17) do you smoke? if so, what?

nope dont wanna // no thanks

18) what do you do to get over your anger?

usually talk to people or shout into word // i have to vent about it to someone probably a thousand times even months or years after it happens tbh

19) do you believe in god?

nahh // nah

20) does the person you’re in love with know it?

i aint in love with anyone rn so no? // i’m not in love with anyone.

21) favorite position?

………….. for w hat………. // oh honey lmfao... N/A

22) what’s your horoscope sign?

virgo/ox ovob // Virgo/sun, Aries/moon, Libra/rising and Cancer/midheaven

23) your fears?

literally everything i already named a few so ill name some others… ghh anything in… the ocean or lakes and stuff frightens me and i really dont know why bu tlike…. fish and crabs and jellyfish and seaweed cuz it’s evil and stu f f basically anything that’s not a mammal or turtles or penguins…. lo l im a baby // uncertainty is a big fear of mine and also people being mad at me lmao... as far as physical fears though i have debilitating fears of almost all insects/arachnids and lobsters/shrimp/crawfish :^)))))

24) how many pets do you have? what kind?

two cats and a dog!! // one cat one dog

25) what never fails to turn you on?

i dunno,,/////// // lol neck biting/kissing oof

26) your idea of a perfect first date?

im okay with mostly anything i just really like spending time with the person ; v ; // i’ve never really had an answer for this? thinking about dates has always made me so anxious for whatever reason but i’ll be happy to just spend time with them doing whatever honestly, i’m a super indecisive person aha

27) what is something most people don’t know about you?

i dont really know tbh lmfao // i’ve considered in the past looking into mental conditions (anxiety/bpd/etc) to see if i might have one or two but i never want to say anything about it because i don’t want to self-diagnose anything.

28) what makes you feel the happiest?

nice weather and nice conversations w/ best people u//v//u // nice weather and hanging out with people who are fun and easy to talk to

29) what store do you shop at most often?

does….. arda wigs count or… // does arda wigs still count bc mood lmao but truthfully now it’s probably target

30) how do you feel about oral? giving and/or receiving?

kkdkjsfkjkjfj??fsfj/// go for i t??? i have no problems with i t??? i dont think ill ever be willing to put a dick in my mouth though // these random sexual questions thrown in here are something aren’t they lmao. not going to disclose much but i will stand by the fact that i will not put a dick in my mouth lo l

31) do you believe in karma?

sometimes ye // i believe that people will eventually get what’s coming to them but i don’t believe in karma as a solid concept if that makes sense? like i don’t think it’s guaranteed

32) are you single?

yup yup // yeah it’s been wild lmao

33) do you think flowers or candy are a better way to apologize?

i think being sincere is the best way to apologize– if you truly mean it the person will know. you dont need to buy your forgiveness. // the best way to apologize is just to apologize sincerely and change your behavior if it’s applicable.

34) are you a good swimmer?

ehh??? im ok i guess– i took swimming lessons as a kid but i havent done legit swimming ever since then lmao,, ive always been best at the backstroke tho yea // i mean i have the ability to swim but i’m not olympic-worthy or anything lmao

35) coffee or tea?

ehhh im not big on either tbh // chocolate milk and you can fight me

36) online shopping or shopping in person?

depends what your shopping for i guess?? online is more relaxed i guess // online probably because shopping in person Gives Me Anxiety

37) would you rather be older or younger than your current age?

ehhh im happy where i am tbh // older

38) cats or dogs?

do not make me choose // cats and dogs* there i fixed it for you

39) are you a competitive person?

ahaa,,,,, oh god yeah,, // OOF yeah

40) do you believe in aliens?

i believe there’s life on other planets somewhere?? so i guess?? // i believe in aliens in the sense that there’s no way we are the only living life forms in the universe but not in the science-fiction way you feel me

41) do you like dancing?

i do but i suck at it lmao // i do but i: A- suck, and B- have no stamina

42) what kind of music to you listen to?

nearly everything tbh // i’m not picky when it comes to music but imma be real w u. almost all of the music on my phone is kpop. seventeen is my favorite group along with astro, and i also enjoy super junior, shinee, red velvet, etc among so many others,,, im pretty wide spread !

43) what is your favorite cartoon character?

i will never be able to pick just one // i’ll literally never be able to answer this

44) where are you from?

philadelphia uvu // philly!

45) eat at home or eat out?

hmmm at home. // at home

46) how much more social are you when you’re drunk?

i never plan on being drunk tyvm // i’ve never consumed alcohol in my life and to be Quite Fucking Honest i want nothing to do with it

47) what was the last thing you bought for yourself?

bracelets ! ; u ; // uh... excluding food and music... earrings i think

48) why do you think your followers follow you?

uhhhhhhh lmfao i have no idea i think… a good amount are for my cosplays at least?? or id like to think so lmfao but i really dont know pfft // my followers have just accumulated and hung around over the years... i know i gained a good amount from my snk days as arlert-the-troops and then through my haikyuu phase, whether it was for my cosplay or other posts that i made... whenever someone follows me now im not entirely sure what its for but i appreciate everyone who’s stuck around!

49) how many hours do you sleep at night?

it’s never regular man // 6-9 (lol) hours is pretty normal for me

50) what worries you most about the future?

everything tbh // the future as a concept worries me lol

best friends to idol couple: hyuk

you meet hyuk backstage at a music show

you walk into their waiting room and you’re like wHAT IS THIS because where is vixx i only see six models here huh

your head is spinning as you shuffle into line with the rest of your group members to greet them

all of the vixx members are nice but a little awkward because there are cameras

n and leo are the same age, n is the leader and the oldest and has a lilt to his voice when he talks

leo is intimidating but has the voice of an angel and is so so adorable when he talks

ken is the one with the beautiful hair and a big smile

ravi and hongbin are the same age, ravi has legs for miles and a tattoo that curls over his collarbone

hongbin has strong arms paired with big eyes, two cute dimples and a toothy grin

hyuk is the maknae, a little taller than the rest of them, with an insanely chiseled jaw and thighs close to bursting out of his pants. he doesn’t say much but nods along with whatever his hyungs say

when it’s time to leave and all the cameras are turned off, you hear someone call your name and hyuk presses a little slip of paper into your hands

you go to open it but he suddenly goes “ahHHH NOT HERE” and everyone starts snickering

the last thing you see before leaving is n getting his smirk literally wiped off his face by hyuk’s hand

once you’re in the hallway everyone crowds around and you unfold the piece of paper to find hyuk’s kakaotalk id and your face turns red

and if you make a mistake onstage it’s not because you’re thinking about him

later on, in the car on the way home, you add hyuk on kkt and he almost immediately messages you

he’s friendly and easy to talk to from the beginning, he always has something to say

even though he’s pretty busy, he always finds the time to text you

and since he never sleeps, when you come back from practice he’s always there for you to talk to

has the best stories and the best jokes

facetiming with him and seeing all the other members in various states of undress as they relax at home

facetiming with him and bragging about the food you’re getting vs whatever junk he’s managed to procure for himself late at night

facetiming in bathrobes curled up in white sheets but 1000 miles away from each other

watching him bother the hyungs (you heard he was a shit but now you know it’s real)

listening to him talk about starlights with adoration

listening to him talk about his hyungs with a different kind of adoration but mushy feelings nonetheless

going out to eat and alternating between whose turn it is to pick the restaurant, he almost always wants to eat gopchang and you’re like bruh how much do you think i’m getting paid

always complains about how he doesn’t see you enough

“are you off tomorrow?”

“yeah, i’ll meet you for lunch”

“no, pack a bag and come over. we can stay up and play games”

playing video games with him and getting your ass kicked

watching him laugh his ass off as he stomps you into the ground

what a little shit

but it’s all worth it to see him smile

grudgingly watching anime with him

grudgingly watching him play overwatch and going “uh huh, uh huh” whenever he tries to explain the gameplay to you

likes to act cute to piss you off and you secretly like it but can’t show it bc he’s embarrassing and also bc he’s 183+cm like cut the cute act big boy, that image died years ago

holding three different conversations on text, snapchat, and kkt

conversations are 85% sass because someone’s gotta keep this kid in line

topics range from “what do you think about sexy policemen as our next concept” to “where do words go when you erase them”

eventually the sass turns into play-flirting and there’s suddenly this tension like am i going too far? am i being too suggestive?

and you’re in a weird place where you’re starting to fall for him and you don’t want to be cold but at the same time you don’t know if you should keep him so close anymore

one night he invites you over to his dorm after practice

hakyeon lets you in and tells you to keep the noise down, it’s 2am and everyone’s getting ready to go to sleep

hyog is standing at the stove putting ramen into two bowls, looking all soft in a worn t-shirt and sweatpants with a towel on his head and little bits of ruffled hair peeking out

you hop onto the counter as he passes you the bowl and chopsticks

“are you cooking for me? you’ll make a great housewife someday”

he snaps at your nose with his chopsticks before digging in

and you swear he finishes his bowl in about a minute even though it’s twice as big as yours

when eating with hyogi, sharing is a must so he starts picking at your bowl and it’s finished in another thirty seconds

after the two of you have stuck your bowls in the sink, he leans back against the counter and says, “since we’ve been friends for a while, i was thinking about changing your name in my phone, but i don’t know what to change it to”

you’re like really? you don’t have any ideas? at all?

and he says “not really…but i was thinking maybe…”

he looks nervous and you’re like hyuk? are you okay?

and he starts softly singing

“can i call you my own and can i call you my lover, call you my one and only…can i call you my everything…my baby”

he trails off and looks away

you grab his chin and turn his face back to yours

he puts his hand over yours and looks up hopefully at you through his lashes

“what do you say?”

“only if i can do the same”

“really?”

“yeah, stupid”

“can i kiss you?”

you can’t even reply before he’s leaning in and pressing his mouth to yours

the kiss is sweet and chaste and you certainly have NEVER imagined what his lips would feel like, but they’re soft and warm and a little oily from the ramen

he tastes like the soup too but hyuk is 75% junk food and snacks so it just makes the kiss more uniquely him

after a moment you pull away just enough to not be kissing him anymore

something moves in your peripherals and you look over to see hakyeon and taekwoon standing in the doorway

taekwoon huffs a soft “finally” before walking away

hakyeon comes over to hug the both of you, saying something like “my children have grown up” and hyuk grumbles under his breath

hakyeon says, “if the two of you ever need a shoulder to cry on or advice of an ADULT NATURE–”

“hyung!!”

hyuk ushers you to the door to get away from greasy hakyeon and gives you another kiss before you leave

he can’t stop smiling about it, even the next day, so the other three members wheedle it out of him and blow up your phone asking about it

not much changes after the two of you start dating

lots more spending time together on your days off (read: going out to eat before coming home to make out on the couch)

lots of fevered kisses and fumbling over clothes and jumping about ten feet into the air whenever someone walks by his room (hakyeon refuses to let hyuk close the door when you’re over)

taking lots of aesthetic couple photos on secret dates but not being able to post them

he’s surprisingly shy about suggesting new places to go on dates

handholding and other skinship, there’s rarely a moment when the two of you are together where he isn’t wrapped around you or touching you in some way

he gets jealous easily and usually holds it in well but if he really gets irritated, he’ll go out of his way to be mean to you bc he’s petty like that

and you’ll either smack him upside the head and tell him he’s being dumb or be mean back to him and then it turns ugly

most fights are like this, they’re small and revolve around the both of you being stupid and prideful but someone always backs down

he apologizes by buying you food or immediately coming over to spend time with you

he will send you lots of cute selfies if he’s too busy to facetime

(and the occasional dick pic)

seriously this kid is a tease…everything is a game of “how turned on can i get you and how scandalously can i touch you in public without getting caught”

and you’re like this is your first real relationship right??? right???????

sex happens about a year in, just because there isn’t really time for anything and then when there’s time, the both of you are exhausted and would rather nap together

but after walking in to see hyuk on top of you and your hands down each other’s pants too many times, the hyungs give him a box of condoms for christmas

hyuk thinks it’s a joke at first but they’re like no really

he tells you about it and you brush it off because there are more important things to worry about, like end-of-year stages

things start to die down after the new year begins, you stay in seoul and wander the streets at night while everyone goes back to visit their families

hyuk comes back early from daejeon and asks you to come sleep over since no one else is back yet

after watching six hour-long episodes of anime in a row, your eyes are burning so you ask hyuk to get you a sweatshirt while you take a break

as he’s sifting through his clothes, you wander into his room and find the condoms

he turns around to find you with the box in your hand and an uneasy look on your face

“you know i wasn’t kidding about those” he says, coming over and handing the sweatshirt to you

“yeah, now i know” you say

he takes the box from you and pretends to study it before asking, “so…do you maybe want to make good use of these?”

you stare up at him before saying, “god, do you even need to ask?”

and that’s all it takes before he’s kissing you and running his hands up and down your sides, tugging at your clothes and getting in your way as you try to take everything off

he pulls off his sweater and jeans and hops into bed with you, pulling the covers up over your bodies

and god if it isn’t the hottest thing when he slots his hips against yours and murmurs against your skin “i want to be inside of you”

it ends relatively quickly and hyuk goes a little pink, but he ducks under the covers and goes down on you until you’re barely able to breathe

about an hour later you’re in the kitchen getting water when hyuk comes up behind you and carries you back to the bedroom and you know what happens next

the next morning, the rest of vixx comes home and ravi screams when he opens the door to his (shared!!) room with hyuk and finds a combination of clothes and condom wrappers on the floor

along with hyuk’s naked ass, because you stole the covers in the middle of the night and he was too lazy to wrestle them back from you

jaehwan the shithead immediately comes over and starts taking pictures for blackmail and hyuk has to very grumpily roll out of bed and shove everyone out before locking the door

going public is relatively easy

he’s getting convenience store snacks late one night when a fan approaches him and makes conversation

unfortunately he says without thinking that he has to go because his baby is waiting for him

the fan says your name as a joke and he says “yeah. gotta go bye”

he gets into the car and is like “hey, guess what? i just told someone we were together” and you go WHaT DID YOU SAY HAN SANGHYUK

he goes home and writes a fancafe post about it so the fans don’t get toooo mad and you also do the same

there’s always backlash no matter what, there will always be critics, but that’s just because they’ll never know what it’s like to be with him and you don’t mind too much

for about a month afterwards every program he goes on asks about the relationship

he doesn’t mind really, it gets him more screen time than n and ken combined

which slightly irritates hakyeon bc I AM THE LEADER

the both of you guys are sneaky little shits and he’s smart as hell so the cameras still don’t get much dirt on the relationship

but now you can post the occasional picture that you take of hyuk/with hyuk on an outing and share it with the world :’)

one thing that really touches you is what hyuk says on a show when he’s randomly asked about the relationship

the host asks how the both of you met/got together and he talks about meeting you backstage, becoming friends since the both of you were close in age, and falling in love

“i realized i wanted to be more than friends when we were facetiming one night. i was in japan, and they were in busan. we both stayed up way too late to talk, even though we both had schedules the next morning. when they finally went to sleep, i laid there in the dark and thought about how good my life was. i’m doing what i love and i get to share my performances with people who support me, but all i could think about was how much i missed them and how i wanted to be there with them more than anything else at that moment. now we’re together, yes, but they’re also my best friend, my biggest supporter, and the one i can trust my entire self with. i’m grateful that they’re in my life and i hope we can grow together and be happy for a long time.”

anyways, ill say bye now... i hope ure well rested and have a good day!! (wait, i remember what i wanted to ask!! at least i think this is what i wanted to ask? anywys, do u know what u want to do now that ure finished w school? if u dont mind me asking, of course, i understand if u think its a bit personal!) ok, now im done, have a good day!! take care and stay hydrated!! (and now i really did send u a bunch of asks..)

omg i hope u dont mind but ill be answering the stuff from ur last ask here (the one where i… deleted everything) under cut bc itll be 2x longer now

so first !!!!! how i got into kpop!!! it was thanks to my good pal (@.briwoon) boxy! i follow her on twitter and despite her being a day6 stan twt i had her unmuted anyway bc.. after years of being an anime blog on tumblr and seeing all my anime mutuals slowly converting into kpop blogs one by one i was able to filter the kpop out of my brain?? smth like that since back then i wasnt into kpop and i didnt want to unfollow since im mutuals with most of them :-0 

another backstory - i was one of those people who never saw themselves getting into kpop? and i think the main reason was bc i thought liking kpop would make u seem lame?? due to the influence from people around me?? but as years went by and as my mutuals changed interests it stopped bothering me and that mindset kind of just? faded away bc who am i to call other people’s happiness bad?? but despite being okay with it i never really made the move to get into any groups lmao that was until i got tired of my interest at that time (seiyuu, japanese voice actors) and my interests would always. not last?? idk so maybe thats why i didnt want to get invested but it happened regardless 

anyway usually i wouldnt take notice of her rts but this . this beautiful man with orange hair and minion glasses caught my eye when i was scrolling through my timeline and i was like o worm? oh mu god? hes beautiful? so i slid into her dms and asked her whomst the beautiful man was and she sent me all their mvs after that from congratulations to i smile (the most recent mv at that time, late june) for me to watch :-D now at that time, from what little knowledge i had of kpop.. i understood that groups would be singing and dancing so i was prepared to see some sick moves or smth?? but then. i clicked on miss i smile and my wig flew off? bc… wtf.? they were playing instruments???? and they sounded good ??? so i was like oh my god? a band??????

before day6 i also had (have) a preference for bands and the way their music sounds so i was like?? ready to just. get on board yknow?? i watched how can i say and i saw the lanky noodle wearing glasses and i was like o fuck mu life? i caved and asked boxy for their names and other information and best decision of my life bc.. they really make me happy!!! after that like the day after ? myabe they did a vlive and i was like o shit? what do i do… so i downloaded the vapp and wowie i love it? its my second home…… i watched every vlive they had at that time and i thought that was a lot… (it isnt, compared to mx) and i was just rly content??

(ok i know u asked for kpop and not … day6 or other groups bc im gonna talk abt how i got into mx and astro too bc…… how can i Not.. u can skip this part tho i just wanna ramble abt my loves? ill tell u when u can continue)

that was peak happiness for me at that time.. until… boxy started talking about monsta x in our groupchat (with @.tokayhk) and she would just ramble abt this kihyun fella (who i vaguely knew bc my real life friend likes him and mx and i bought her his pc before along with the guilty clan part 2) so i was like hmm interesting… and honestly? i wasnt going to get into monsta x i really wasnt planning on asking her abt them (since i was scared id lose interest in day6 right after) but then.. she started linking videos and i .. my resolve crumbled down as i heard monsta x yelling and … this beautiful cover (which boxy sent to show us how powerful kihyuns vocals are but i was 2 focused on mister aka minhyukku) and she told us how funny these monsta men are and i was like o h no…………….. eventually one day in late august i asked her to tell me more about these monstas…… aftert that i watched every mxray episode (starting from season 2 bc i dont know 1 comes before 2) and even though i didnt know anyone who was on screen except jooheon i found it really funny and?? it made me laugh so much i love mx?? ya… boxys kind of like my guardian angel?? shes really the reason im living tbh… introducing me to all these lovely people?? thank u miss boxy i love u

now. for the astrosus….. they were a bit different.. because i didnt have boxys help and they were the first group i took interest in solely bymyself so i knew i was in for a wild ride (at first, i couldnt even differentiate brian from sungjin in day6 lmao) after stanning monsta x and day6 i became more?? open to kpop and i started watching unhelpful guides on youtube bc . they were funnie and idk its nice??/ and i stumbled upon the astro one (which wasnt that funny but more helpful than anythng) and i was like. oh worm? the cicada group… bc i watched a short clip of them catching that stupid cicada in their office as it appeared on my tl one day so i clicked on the video ..and after watching that it led me to another video of astro being extra for 6 minutes and those six minutes/????? best six minutes of my life because theyre so fnny and they made me laugh a lot? (combined with the editing from op) so bc they were funnie i decided to look them up and read their profiles/??? i watched their nimdle video and only knew mj bc his tag was the two letters m and j lol but it really made me bust both of my lungs i just?? laughed A Lot 

im not sure how i managed to put name to face so quickly but it mightve been bc after the nimdle videos i watched every ddoca and astro play as well as their vlives available bc..  i just inhale the content at godspeed?? 

for mx and astro i was drawn in by their personalities before their music because they were on more variety shows and had more chances to show dorky they all are which made it way quicker for me to fall for the two groups??? for day6 its a bit sad but the weekly scheduled vlives arent enough for me to tell what kind of people they are (although those r still hilarious) i just wish they would go on more variety shows?? its understandable if they themselves dont want to be on any shows though!!! i love all 3 groups with all my heart :-D 

ok if u skipped u can start from here ill be answering the questions now lmao

FIRSTof all,,,,, youre learning how to drive?? thats so cool >:-0 we’re not allowed to learn until we’re like...?? 18?? or 21 idk but not so Soon :-( and its cute u think abt me (or of what to say) but pleaseth stay safe... i hope ur driving lessons go smoothly until u end theM!!! hopefully youll be able to get ur licence :-D 

aNDD!!! the thought of drinking warm tea when its cold outside.. is so ?? nice to think about hecc u better drink that tEA and enjoy it !!!! stay warm and comfy miss RM ..... and it even snows there????? thats so cool tbh ?? (i love snow but maybe thats bc it doesnt snow here so i dont know the tru evil of snow but like.... its so.... white and fluffy??) i would ask u 2 take pics and show me but alas...... the time is not right :-( do u know when we’re allowed to expose ourselves?? i forgot rip... but its sometime next month right im excited???? since its near my birthday !!!!! 

ok now to answer this ask no i actually have no clue what i want to be after i finish school?? yikEs but last year i (jokingly) said i wanted to be a farmer??? idk if i might actually do that probably not i guess im just freestyling (going with the flow) for now we’ll see where life takes me 

and like i said u can ask me anything !!! im fine with it :-) alsooooo please dont ever feel bad about sending too many asks bc its a lovely thing to wake up to and i just?? get rly happy when i see all the asks in my activity :-D!!  

In Which I Celebrate an Anniversary, Camp, and Move; in that order.

Ho sailor!

No need to apologize for your lateness, we’ll both just have to try and be better. If it makes things easier, if we start posting more often, the posts (maybe) won’t be as long - hah! I know it’s only been a few posts each since our return, but I’ve been enjoying writing out my thoughts, and you asked for word vomit this week so be prepared for the worst. Also my wireless keyboard is pretty spotty. It wiill laag, add extra letters, and otherwise test my patience, so if eventually I get tired of correcting it, apologies! I’m thinking I’ll buy a nice keyboard soon. Now I’ll get on with it!

Thank you for sharing your thoughts about the wedding. I’m glad you were able to enjoy it and hope everyone is able to stay safe and healthy in these troubling times when I can’t help but worry about it. I’ve been to many of my cousins’ weddings, which have been nice, but I can’t imagine the weirdness that will be the first of my friends’ weddings! It sounds like you had a lot of fun though, and had some good emotional experiences - just what weddings are for. We’ve got a pretty big group from back home to look forward to celebrating with - hopefully we can all space them out evenly heheh. You are right that love is beautiful and should be celebrated. It’s funny, just yesterday, August 3, was actually a Nerdfighteria holiday to celebrate familial and friendly love specifically - Esther Day. I think it’s come up in the group before, but check it out if you’re interested. I may be a day late on it, but I love you and value all the laughs and joys you’ve brought to my life from the moment we became side-pockets! 

I think your motivation to start practicing what you preach about relationships is wonderful! Admittedly, I have felt more distant to you during college than I would have liked. Obviously its a two-way street, and things aren’t helped by the geographic distance, but this blog is a good way to open those lines again. Your words and commitment to our friendship made me emotional when I read it so thanks a lot for that! I do want to be a best friend to you that you can open up to and share all your deepest darkest secrets so I can sell them to information brokers in exchange for cryptocurrency. In all seriousness, I do want to deepen our friendship, as I have felt like there wasn’t quite a wall, but more so a fence between us - meaning just that there seem to be things that we just don’t talk about. You know Lyss is my best woman (friend), and even with the metaphorical fence, you’re still my best man! We’ve just got some weird connection for both being so strange and nerdy, so let’s best friend it up!

Most recently I’ve been exceedingly stressed and busy. Work has been mostly good, until the errors of a past employee we had to let go catch up with the rest of the team, hindering their work, and causing us to need to delay our delivery. It’s not a huge deal because we’re working with a good client, but I can’t help but feel responsible for these setbacks. As the producer I should have been ready to predict this when we let this guy go, but I didn’t and now we’re dealing with the consequences. I don’t blame myself too much because I am new to the industry, so I’m trying to just take this learning experience and keep on marching on. I haven’t been looking for more work so much as holding out for a full time offer, so I’ll keep you posted. Besides work, Raquel and I got into our biggest argument yet which was awful. I won’t get into details, but I ended up going home so we could talk it out and we’re good now. Which is good since that was a week before our three year anniversary! I’m glad I went home to work things out because we had a great weekend out by me the next week. Had a lovely dinner outside at a great restaurant and we took some grad pics for me since I hadn’t done that, and I just printed them out and surprised my parents with them, and they loved it! It was a lot of fun to spend time with her and just celebrate our continued love. I don’t know what things will be like since we’ll be long distance for the forseeable future. I don’t think that truth has really hit me yet. I kind of just keep expecting her to move out here and we’ll be together, but that’s probably unrealistic! Anyways, we had a nice anniversary and I’m a lucky guy to have gotten back in her good graces after my big oof at the end of high school there. 

While home, I was also lucky enough to be able to camp out in Silbs’s backyard with the peeps which was really nice to see everyone again - wish you could have been there! I didn’t sleep well because camping and I’m a light sleeper, but there were also some famous chocolate chip cookies in attendance, so it was all worth it. Along with that, the niece and nephew spent the night at our house Saturday which was a crazy time. Lots of running and screaming. I went to bed early that night hah! It was good to see them - they recently got a new puppy and lil nephew has had two visits from the tooth fairy already! They’re getting so big! Another reason I was home was to get some things to move to a new apartment near work. My dad came up yesterday to help me move, and it was a long tiring day again. I’ve been here for a day now, and I think it will work out, but it was not easy to get to this point! Trying to find an affordable one-bed willing to do a month-by-month lease was not easy, but I ended up renting out the top of a duplex from a friend of one of my professors that I had tea with a couple weeks ago. My landlord has been pretty flexible and laid back so far which is appreciated. I’m all settled now (as you saw) and I think it’ll be nice for a while. 

Keep me posted on your Hinge adventures! As the saying goes “good things come to those who wait” so just keep that in mind - the right person for you will come along some day! I know there’s been a lot of maybes and what ifs the past year or so, but just don’t stop believin’ in love, baby. Also I hope we can get back to our DnD campaign soon! I miss you guys. I did listen to “A Love  Supreme,” and I’d say it was good. Different than even the jazz I usually listen to. I get the impression that like fine wine, that sort of jazz is an acquired taste. Makes me want to get back into being a musician! I’m thinking the harmonica? Answer: either as long as it’s a  pretzel. Question: what do you know about tri-color pasta? That was a lot to read, but thanks for sticking around. Take care and stay safe until next time!

Your Obedient Servant,

A. Ham

First Week+

Hey ya’ll.

So my first week here has come and gone. Monday morning was more hectic than I would have liked. I was so tired and was running late, I had to pack up my bags very quickly and I had my Mears driver waiting for me. He had texted me about 8:30 and I didn’t see that til 9, and I got down to him at like 9:15. 

My check-in was at 9:30, and there was a line of cars this time, so my driver had to patiently wait til we got to the front of the pack. I don’t think anyone ever looked at my Boarding pass lol (Just my itinerary). Check-in was quick. I had a nice lady help me with my documents and they took my picture for my housing ID. (Patterson’s are yellow this year, meh) Being back at Patterson feels pretty good. It feels like home (aw). I had feared I might be triggered into some negative feelings but nope. If anything being back makes me realize how much time has gone by and that time heals all wounds, things here have changed and moved on and so have/(or should) I. 

So this girl gave me my new program guide with my apartment configuration on it. It said 1 bedroom/3 person. I’m in building 3 on the first floor. I met my two roommates later in the day on Monday. It’s only been about a week and a half but so far we get along OK, there are still some things that will need to be worked out, but we’ll get there I think. I get along better with one than the other too. The nice thing is that again I do feel very comfortable here already so it wasn’t hard to adjust. My roommates are both very like me, mid 20s, white, American, etc so we’re pretty similar, they are both straight though. Which might be a good thing as long as they aren’t the “toxic” kind of straight I tend to keep at a distance. 

Casting at 11 was confusing because of the way they scheduled the buses and because of the construction around the casting building (yay third parking garage!) I had to figure out what bus to take and when to walk down to Chatham (my least favorite part of Patterson) but I got there eventually. I was like 20 min late to both my check-in and casting but no one said anything, I did the best I could! This lady at casting asked me for my Blue ID and I said I turned it in to my leaders and she said that was the correct thing to do so that made me feel good. There was a nice girl they checked my documents for me and then a guy there to do the “Disney Look” check. My fingerprints still didn’t work and they guy that did them was a little aggressive about it but whatever hopefully it will be like last time as far as that goes. Going back in the casting building is definitely an experience lol. Afterwards a group of us had to wait for the bus so I talked to them for a bit. I got back to Patterson and met my roommates.

Our apartment is nice, fresh and has new carpet. I wasn’t keen on the the 3 in 1 and I ended up taking the top bunk, which works for me but again isn’t ideal. It was funny because it took the confusion out of trying to pick a roomie/room/bed away. I like the building because it’s still close to the main area but kinda off in it’s own space too, just have to walk a bit further than last time. (laundry and garbage won’t be fun, it’s a walk over there). At least I have less roommies and still manageable rent. 

Monday night I made my return to Disney Springs and had Yesake, it was so good to be back finally! I also went to Walmart that night and got supplies. Tuesday I had the day off and went the Boardwalk Bakery(the food has changed, prob won’t go there again). but I still love walking that area at night. 

Wednesday I had my housing at 3 meeting which was the same as last year pretty much. Not a big deal. I stopped in the Grid afterwards and was surprised how low on stock they are. I ended up going back to Walmart for more supplies and went back to Disney Springs for dinner. I went to Earl of Sandwich and tried the wine slushie at Amorettes - it was so good! 

Thursday I had the day free and used it to stay in and rest. I had considered this being a resort day since I couldn’t get into the parks yet but I was tired and it was raining so I stayed in. 

Friday I had my Traditions class. I counted 9 other guys in the room and I sat with 3 of them. The ones I remember are Arvin, JT, Diego, and Steven. We were all Merch which was cool. The class felt pretty fast/tracked and went fast. There were some awkward moments but I knew there would be. I was nervous about going back to Magic Kingdom but it ended up raining and so we played games instead and didn’t have to go. I was relieved. I was nervous about getting my Blue ID but it was there for me. The pictures on both my ID’s are...OK. I changed my pic on The Hub though. They gave me another name tag but I plan on using my old one with my hometown on it from my last program. Overall I did get emotional at certain points in Traditions, (at one point my eye would not stop watering) but it was pretty quick and painless. I was glad to have a later in the day time (mine was at 2:40 and I had to be at the bus/stop by 1:15). I will always prefer a later in the day time. No one in my Traditions seemed to be going to Epcot which was interesting, maybe like 2 others that I heard. 

I decided not to go to the parks that night and instead went to Disney Springs for another slushie and more Yesake! 

Saturday I had free which was nice, I decided that my first park entry would be Epcot of course, and then later in the day I would have my first ride be Flight of Passage. I went to Epcot just to check-out Mousegear and get a feel for it. I felt indifferent to be honest. Like not super-excited but not scared or nervous either. Everything in my program was what I wanted or asked for basically. The Commons would have been nice, maybe I should have been more open to other roles, I probably would have picked the May 21st arrival date if it was offered to me. But Fall Advantage/Merch/June 4th/ and Patterson are all great with me. When I found out I was going to Mousegear I was surprised and happy. Like I just didn’t want to be in MK again, and getting to learn more about Epcot sounded like a great way to spend my 2nd program. (I did not spend much time in Future World last year, I always walked quickly through it to get to World Showcase). Mousegear is one of the biggest shops in the park which is intimidating but I do not claim to know what is best for me (lol). It actually has great reviews from other Cps/Cms that it’s a great location for alot of reasons, it seems very well orgainzed and staffed and it’s an AC/inside area only. You still rotate positions but you only have to learn one store versus several locations. 

After my sneak peak at my new home at Epcot I got on the bus to Animal Kingdom. When I got there I went straight to Flight of Passage, the wait was long and my phone had died (having trouble with the battery). Also I want to note before I forget that the bugs this year seem to be bad (gotten several bites so far, last year not an issue) and when I first got here I had this itchy rash on my arms and neck and apparently I must have done something because the skin basically died and peeled off in those places. Weird! I thought it was a reaction from a bug bite or something. These are just things I was struggling with the first week. As well as figuring out my to-do list and where to put my stuff and trying to stay organized. I definitely spent more than I needed to but I figure it’s my first week and I want to be happy and start out strong and hopefully continue that way. I want to be better about time and money management and this program is a great way to focus on that. I need to figure out how best to get food when I don’t have a car. It’s a struggle. I spent a lot of time before this week getting my body in a good place and I have to keep up with what I’ve been working on. Traveling took so much out of me I was worried I would regress and get to busy to take care of myself but I’m really trying to stay on it. Appearance is everything and then that helps my confidence! I tried to make my hair blonder before coming here and that was another nightmare - I probably wasted like 50+ dollars just on my hair color lol, but whatever. As long as my acne stays in a good place that’s the main thing for me. My spray tan is wearing off and I need to have a pool day still. Shaving everyday is a nuisance and keeping up with it but that’s what you have to do.

Anyway so I went to Animal Kingdom and waited for Flight of Passage - worth it obviously. I really wanted to do at least Everest but didn’t have enough time, so I had dinner at the Canteen, which I’ve been wanting to do for awhile (it was..OK. I mean I love Tofu but I was still hungry after) and I spent 10$ on a tiny little Sangria that I didn’t need....but whatever. I can say I did it and now I know I don’t need it again lol. 

Overall it was a good night at Animal Kingdom, still much more I want to do (I tried to make fastpasses but realized that wasn’t going to work). 

Sunday was my Discovery Day, I had to get up really early and be there by 8am. I was so tired this whole day because I didn’t sleep much that night. It was a really magical day. I won’t go into detail but the boat ride, the welcome, it was all very magical. When I was riding SpaceShip Earth for the first time, I realized some things (lol). It just made me realize how great it feels to be in a place that I feel like this is where I am SUPPOSED to be. How during my last program especially at the end how I said goodbye forever (maybe to MK yes;) but to be at Epcot and realize that maybe I had never done these things before because the universe had plans for me later. (I honestly don’t think I’d ever been inside Mousegear, I just walked past it). My group leaders (4) were very fun and made the day special, I got emotional with alot of things they were saying. Most of my group was people from other countries, very few Americans (my small group was all Asian) It definitely makes me feel a type of way when the only country I’ve been to is Mexico and I don’t speak other languages, but these people are world travelers and speak several languages. One thing that did stick with me was the notion that even we as Americans are considered “international” by tourists from other countries. They look at us (maybe sometimes anyway) with the same interest that Americans look at people from other countries. After my Discovery Day I went home and went to Disney Springs. Here I really splurged and got Yesake AND Earl of Sandwich. I also tried to go to Morimoto Asia but I won’t be doing that again. When I went to Earl the cashier kept complimenting me on my eyes and said I was pretty. It was nice! At this point it had been two weeks since I left Younkers (my last day was Sat May 26th) and one week since I left Sioux City (Sat June 2nd)

Monday I had my first day of training. My trainers name was Casey. She is a former CP and has been at Mousegear for about a year. She is leaving to go work at Toy Story Land which is exciting. I was surprised to find out that they were considering me a “Transfer” and that I would not have to go back to DU for anything. Traditions you have to redo after 6 months (I’m at about 10 months) Dday makes sense since Epcot is new to me, but one day of training? I’ll take it as a vote of confidence but I am not sure I remember everything on the register, and it’s still a new location, things work differently. Casey was great with me through the day and I was so tired and probably not always coherent but I learned alot and got to ask her alot of the questions I had. We ended up arranging for me to have another day of Training on Thursday (her last day is Friday) and then my first regular shift will be on Friday. It kinda feels like I’m her replacement in some type of way. hmm...I’ve met two leaders so far and they seem nice, I also found out one of the coordinators is from MSE (Hi Catie) so I’ll be seeing her. I got HUB access, still deciding if I want to do Food&Wine, took the days off my mom wanted me too, looked at Rostr and took note of the CPs currently staffed at MG. There are currently 30 including myself that are listed as American Cps so that’s cool. Very few guys.There are 5 other guys (Dalton, Grady, Aaron, Charles, and Raul) and one former CP also named Aaron. I do not know how many Cps are new or old or extended or leaving soon (SA, Spring Extenders, Summer Alum etc) I hope I can find some people that can be my work friends but we’ll see....I’ll know soon enough who my allies are and who is not. I’m sure there will be new Cps coming for the Fall program too. On Sunday I decided to try to open Grindr and see who’s out there. I will keep it open for a week and see how it goes. If there’s no one of interest I’ll probably just delete again and wait til August when there’s new people here. I’ve had some of the same guys hit me up which is pretty funny. It’s super disappointing about the lack of guys and options but I will not let guys bring me down. I know they are missing out on what I have to offer so it’s really there loss. (and once you’ve turned me down, do not thing I will give you second chance, I will ignore you)

The main thing is that the people you see most are the people you live with and work with. I’m sure I’ll be getting to see some familiar faces of other castmembers at Epcot, Cps and non Cps, which I am excited about because there’s a lot of cool people that work there! Getting on a routine and figuring out the timing of everything is what I need to work on. Casey showed me that path from the Cast building (I got a locker) to sneak out by Test Track and then walk into the CDS. (the only place you can clock-in) The tunnel is super interesting but the break area is ...underwhelming. Very few selections for food. I never used the temp lockers before but I might here, we’ll see. If it’s raining I might have an umbrella with me. The only bathrooms are down there as well. Another weird thing is that you can’t have water bottles on stage, you have to leave them backstage which might be hard for me, we’ll see. I’ll like the fact that the store doesn’t stay open as late as MK and CPs usually get 2 days off per week. I still need to get new shoes, more socks, and trading pins (I’ll wear the “Earning My Ears” badge as well I suppose. I got my costume and it’s cute! Had a hard time with the pants but found my size. The shirt can be awkward but you just kinda of have to let it hang I guess. I have Tuesday and Wednesday off. Tuesday I had a headache and stayed in all day, later I went to Epcot and watched Illuminations for the first time and got some yummy fishNchips at the UK. I did not know there was extra magic hours so I hung out there til about 11, even though you can’t do any rides. I still need to make a “Disney Do” list but I’m slowly working my through. I don’t plan on picking up shifts ever but we’ll see. I should be open to that I suppose. Not until I have Mousegear down anyway. One more day of training which I’m sure will be alot and then my first days of work will be Friday, Saturday and Sunday. with Tuesday and Wednesday off. We’ll see how it goes! Fake it til you make it I guess. I obviously don’t want to look stupid or awkward, I don’t want to bother anyone with a bunch of questions, or have a bad attitude or have a bad experience with guests. I’ll just do the best I can! So far here has been pretty good, my first week has come and gone and week 2 is fastly moving! My main goals here are to have fun, do a good job, be on time, not let myself get sad or lonely, do more things that I didn’t get to the last time, and try to focus more on the future and my career. I want to use the program to build myself up, not let it tear me down. A fresh start and a second chance is just what I needed, I will miss my mom and Sioux City but this is where I need to be. I can work on keeping my money in check and use my time wisely. My goal is to slowly get on a routine by July 4th ish, one month mark. For sure by the time the transition period happens in August. Summer is my favorite time of the year though so I really just want to enjoy June and July and see what the future has in store. I am sure there are many twists and turns in the road between now and January. 

Friday, May 18, 2018

post #130

main points:

- CS convocation!!

- graduation photos with the crew

- lunch with mom

- smash/hang out with tyrone and brian

- hang out with viv

today i:

- woke up at 7am. took a shower and got changed

- my mom and i headed to GSU around 7:45am. it was pretty chilly and we just so happened to catch the BU shuttle near by so we hopped on and took it

- got to GSU around 8am, just as the starbucks opened. we both got a banana and nut bread as our breakfast. then we headed upstairs to metcalf. my mom went to sit down and i went to the lounge area where they set us up to line up

the order was grad, alphabetical A-Z, then undergrad A-Z. i was #79.

- around 9am, they called us in and we walked into metcalf to our seats

there were intro speeches, student speech by kylie, recognition for teaching awards for kylie and eli, and then a speech by the co-founder of masterclass, aaron. his speech was really good. i liked that he emphasized the responsibility that we now have as graduates. we really need to start considering the ethics and responsibilities of tech. he talked about the consequences, both good and bad. as well as his own personal endeavors with wandering around life, still not sure what he wants to do. but he emphasized all that he’s learned along the way

then they called us up one by one. i got mine and took a photo (just like everyone else). i was also taking video clips the entire ceremony so hopefully that’ll fit well into the vlog at some point

- after the names were called, they recognized a student who was like a double (triple?) major (CS, math and econ) and still had summa cum laude, which was crazy. 

then there was reception around 10:30am. i was really overwhelmed talking to people. my mom and i went to take some pics near the stage where the ceremony took place. but i was also talking to different people and their parents, saying hi, taking some pictures. it was a lot of fun but yeah i felt overwhelmed. i didn’t get a chance to go eat food until much later (like 10:45am)

it was really nice though. we were also trying to gather our crypto group to go take pictures in marsh and we all kept getting caught in conversations but eventually we made it out. 

we got to marsh around 11am and took pictures in the surrounding area for about 45 minutes. then people left to go eat lunch with their families or head to somewhere else. the photos turned out really well. deepak showed up to our ceremony which was nice, and he also helped take a lot of the pics with my camera 

- my mom was obsessed with the flowers around campus LOL. she wanted to take a bunch of pics so we stuck around the area and briefly went to the esplanade. then we walked back to my apartment

- we stopped by my apartment, i got changed and then we went to grab lunch at super 88. she got chilipa and i got some pho. my tooth still hurts from my cavity filling :/ 

- she was planning to meet with my aunt at 1:30pm, but my aunt was still at work and couldn’t leave until 2:30pm. so my mom and i got lunch at super 88 and then chilled in my apartment for a bit. dimitri convinced me to download heroes of the storm. around 2:30, my aunt came and picked up my mom. and dimitri introduced me to HoS with a game against AI. it’s actually pretty dope. but it was also probably fun cause dimitri’s really good at the game (just rusty)

- went to brian’s around 2:45pm, then when i got there tyrone and him were editing some dank photoshops of our grad photos we took earlier in the morning

then we played smash and just hung around for like 3 hours. it was nice to relax and hang for the last time of the year

- around 6:15pm, i headed back home to hang out with viv. she was coming back from dinner with her family and got to my place around 7pm. we were gonna go to the esplanade but it was pretty chilly out so it was better to stay indoors. 

we talked for a while about what we thought about/what was gonna happen this summer when we’re both in california. ~and other stuff~ and then just some honest conversation about what we should do about our situation. i think we ended on a good note. viv headed back home around 10pm

- i hung out on my computer for like an hour and a half until i went to sleep around 12 or 1am. i think i also did some packing...? i kind of forget but yeah that’s about it

WE GRADUATED!! sort of

it was a long day but i think it was a good day overall

via Screaming Frog

Creating content these days is tough. Historically, when us content marketers find something that works well we tend to pursue them relentlessly, to the point of reaching diminishing returns (infographics are a case in point).

During their prime, infographics didn’t have to be particularly good in order to get links; as long as they hadn’t been done before and the design was nice, securing coverage was relatively straightforward.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the case these days, as we don’t have a fresh format of content (like infographics were) that will carry a relatively uninspiring or basic idea across the finish line. What it’s boiled down to is that in order to consistently create successful content pieces, you need to consistently come up with extraordinary ideas. There are no shortcuts or magic bullets.

An infographic can still do very well if the idea is exceptional, as can any format of content with a good idea behind it, but the problem we face as content marketers is that coming up with great ideas is seriously tough.

Unless you’re lucky enough to be naturally creative, ideas rarely fall into your lap, and you’ll need to rely on various sources of inspiration until that winning idea formulates in your mind.

Below is a list of tools and techniques that we find useful for coming up with content ideas.

Reddit

I regularly waste hours of my time scrolling through Reddit outside of the office, but it’s also a great source of content inspiration. Cute cat pics aside, if you drill down into the niche subreddits there are thousands of passionate communities that are a goldmine for ideas.

Specific Subreddits

A solid starting point is to see if there are any subreddits around your client’s niche and checking out their top posts of all time. Scanning the headlines and identifying themes or common questions can often spark a chain of ideas, as can diving into the comments. For example, if we take a look at the /r/cars subreddit and sort by the top of all time, there are a few potential starting points:

New Tesla Roadster claims to do 0-60 in 1.9 secs, 620-mile highway range

Idea: An electric car index that benchmarks range, 0-60, charge time, price, and more to create an overall ranking.

Nevada Passes Law Making It Illegal To Drive Slowly (below the speed limit) In The Fast Lane

Idea: A Freedom of Information request for data around slow drivers being ticketed, and using the data to map out the slowest counties.

The above are just quick examples to outline the rough thought process. At this stage, you’re merely looking to build a list of potential ideas that can be refined further on in the process.

IAmA and AskReddit

IAmA and AskReddit are good for spotting areas of interest around a niche. Search for a relevant keyword and explore the headlines and comments.

For example, searching ‘cars’:

What’s a pro tip all car owners should know?

Full of interesting tips, however many of these would be much better explained with an illustration!

Car salesmen of Reddit, what’s something you don’t want customers to know when buying a car?

Along a similar vein, and equally full of potential for content.

Additional Subreddits

As well as the above, there’s a handful of subreddits that are always worth keeping an eye on.

/r/coolguides

Mostly infographics, but a great way to spot what’s currently flavour of the month. Also good for brutally honest feedback if you post your own pieces, but bear in mind that excessive posting won’t work out well for you.

/r/dataisbeautiful

A regular stream of insightful graphs, maps, charts and data sets.

/r/internetisbeautiful

Interesting tools, interactives, one-pagers, though not overly active.

/r/mapporn

As the name might suggest, a collection of interesting maps.

Content Swipe File

When you come across a successful content piece you like, you really should be making a note of it somewhere. Eventually, you’ll have an ever-growing stack of ideas that you can scroll through when you’re at a dead end. A swipe file should be visual and easy to scroll through, and Google Slides is a great solution for this.

Quora

Quora revolves entirely around questions, and like Reddit has passionate niche communities regularly contributing insightful content. Again, you’re going to want to search around your client’s niche, with some topics allowing you to view frequently asked questions within that category.

Creating an account allows you to follow topics relevant to your clients, resulting in a steady stream of new questions and ideas.

Forums & Blogs

Forums and blogs are often overlooked, but a few simple Google search operators can send you down a rabbit hole of ideas.

interior design inurl:forum

interior design inurl:blog

As mentioned, you’re going to want to spot common questions and themes, as well as identifying what type of content does well and who is posting it.

When looking at blogs around a niche, it’s useful to plug them into Ahrefs.com and look at their most successful content in regards to links and social shares.

Showcase Websites

As well as user-generated content, there are several websites that create or curate the very best examples of datavis, interactives, infographics and more.

Visualising Data

The home of Andy Kirk, a UK based data vis specialist. A regular stream of high-quality datavis.

Information is Beautiful

Regularly creates unique and innovative infographics, charts and graphs, such as this interactive on the world’s biggest data breaches.

Information is Beautiful Awards

The awards branch of IIB, showcasing the very best examples of data vis, infographics, and interactives.

Chart Geek

Not updated all that regularly, but there’s several years’ worth of geeky charts and infographics to scroll through.

Maps on the Web

A well-curated Tumblr, mostly from Reddit but enriched from other sources too.

Tools

There are a plethora of tools available to content marketers and it can be hard to identify which are worth the subscription. The below tools are used regularly by us during the early stages of ideation.

FAQ Fox

FAQ Fox by WebpageFX is a great way to hunt down the questions that people in your client’s niche are asking. Type in a topic and the sites you want to scrape, and it will scrape headlines that can be skim-read to help spark fresh ideas.

Ahrefs

Ahref’s content explorer does a great job of surfacing the best content around a niche in records to referring domains and social shares. Don’t forget to check out the advanced operators for a more granular view of a specific site or author.

As well as this, you can of course plug your competitors into the site explorer to identify which content of theirs is driving the most traffic, links and shares.

Buzzsumo

A well-known tool but consistently useful over the years. As a non-paying user you are limited, but their Evergreen Score is useful for identifying content that regularly attracts links and shares over a long period of time.

Buzzsumo works best if you keep the seed keywords broad, drilling down when appropriate.

AnswerThePublic.com

Answer The Public is most likely already part of your arsenal and uses Google and Bing’s autosuggests to aggregate the Whos, whats, whens, wheres, and whys around a topic.

You can take this to the next level by using Keywords Everywhere Chrome extension to pull in search volume directly alongside the queries.

Feedly

RSS readers are still worth using, and Feedly is generally regarded as the best one around. Consider adding the aforementioned showcase sites, as well as the main sites creating content within your clients’ niches.

Portent’s Content Idea Generator

Taken with a pinch of sold, Portent’s content idea generator is a great starting point when you’re in the very early stages of ideation and need to churn through some headlines to get the creative juices flowing.

6-3-5 Brain Writing

Stacey MacNaught has already written an extensive summary of the 6-3-5 method for content purposes, and it’s perfect for generating a considerable amount of content ideas in a short amount of time. Once you have your list of idea’s it’s best to briefly run through the ideas as a group to identify the strongest potential angles that are worth further refinement.

Datasets

Everyday free to use datasets are published online, full of insightful data on pretty much every topic imaginable. Taking this data and identifying a fresh angle, or presenting it in a different way visually, is an easy way to create likeworthy content.

Data is Plural Newsletter

Every week Jeremy Singer-Vine, Buzzfeed’s Data editor, sends out a roundup of new and interesting datasets that is worth subscribing to. If you feel like you’ve missed out over the last few years, there’s a Google Sheet of all historical newsletters here.

DataSearch

While still in development, Elsevier’s DataSearch tool helps unearth research data from institutional repositories. Scrolling through the data around a topic can help identify potential ideas that you know will be backed by highly credible data.

Government Data

Almost every government releases data on a variety of topics and issues. At times the data can be cumbersome to sift through, both like DataSearch the information is from highly reputable sources, adding unquestionable credibility to a piece.

  Hopefully this post has unearthed a new source of inspiration, and if you think there’s anything we’ve missed get involved in the comments.