I know you didn’t mean to not notice the abuse.

You say it almost every time we talk,

“If only you had told me.”

That would’ve helped,

But a little girl isn’t supposed to be so good at hiding her wounds.

If only you had noticed.

I know you didn’t mean to,

But why is it my fault

For “hiding things so well.”

Dear god,

I didn’t even know what I was doing.

I don’t want to be angry,

I know you didn’t mean to,

But mom,

It is not my fault

For being a scared little girl,

With no one she can trust.

he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.

except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?

at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.

except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.

about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.

he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.

Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022)

Publishing has always been a fucking nightmare, but now it’s a layer of hell. It’s not enough that writers be good at what they do. Writers have to maintain an active social media presence and cultivate a following. Be available.

They have to be conventionally attractive enough to look good enough to see on a screen, aesthetically pleasing, kind, funny, up-to-date on trends, socially aware but not so controversial that they turn off a brand from California from slapping their discount code on a video promoting a book.

They have to do all of this with no media training, with little help from the companies that are supposed to be doing this for them.

Of course, a lot of this isn't possible for say, the 40-something mother of two who teaches English at a school and writes on the side. She’s boxed out of an already complex industry that already has enough walls.

On some level, I think authors have always marketed themselves a little, but we’ve reached such a crazy point where we’re demanding the author become the influencer. Accessibility in publishing has narrowed from an inch to a sliver. And that inch was hard enough to get in as is.

Ghost Cora AU where he’s actually been following Law around ever since he died but nobody has been able to see him, so all he’s able to do is watch Law get hurt and suffer in silence. UNTIL, miraculously, the battle of Dressrosa ends, and for some strange reason—through some supernatural bullshit or maybe just fate—one person is finally able to see him.

Law is sitting on the deck of the Yonta Maria watching everyone party when Luffy comes trotting over to him. And Luffy plops down beside him and says, “I’ve been meaning to ask, Torao, but who’s that really tall blonde guy with the funny makeup that’s been following you around?”

And Law’s just like

I’ve talked about this before but imagine what it’s like for someone in a country/place where eliot is Top Most Wanted and then your tech guy finds a breakout star baseball player on their visual scanner that looks EXACTLY like spencer. but…there’s no way that’s him, right???

and then the next year it happens again but this time it’s some one hit wonder country singer kenneth crane that has like 78 tween-run fangirl blogs dedicated to him. you see a grainy video of him being chased by a horde of screaming teenage girls and ??? no way Eliot Last Thing You’ll Ever See Spencer is a country singer star just. signing pictures of his face right…?

a few months later your intern shows you footage of an eliot lookalike who is in san lorenzo talking about how there is dog fighting in the presidential palace and you just. sigh. because of course. a scant few days later the political geography of the country changes drastically and damien moreau is imprisoned. …interesting

and then a year of silence goes by. he still shows up as blips on the radar but he must have a good hacker working for him because his tracks on the internet are expertly erased.

every time you ask through interagency channels some random interpol guy talks in (condescending?) riddles at you and it also somehow feels like he’s threatening you

and then your friend who recently got into foreign hockey teams sends you a dropyourgloves video of someone called jacques the bear. you immediately get a headache (and watch some more videos because even you can admit this guy is a good hockey player)

and you know he’s a Bad Guy but it’s been admittedly a bit entertaining seeing what claim to fame he will come upon next. and his most recent actions over the few years make you wonder.

a few months later your phone pings because multiple heads of state evacuated from DC. the reason? eliot spencer was in town. you hear two days later a bioterrorist was taken down by… the report was redacted. your hacker tells you spencer and two teammates were behind the successful operation. which, huh.

not even a full year later it is released that spencer is dead and… you don’t know how to feel.

Smell Check [Easy: Failure]

MDZS Disco Elysium AU part 1 (part 2 - part 3)

booseoksoon in 2023

thank you for saving my kpop booseoksoon <;3 i'd been drifting away from kpop for a bit but then booseoksoon happened and look at me now. changed my whole year literally don't know who i'd be if it wasn't for booseoksoon comeback. thank you for providing amazing music, even better performances and just entertainment all around. kings of fun, kings of energy, kings of adlibs, kings of performance please come back next year 😫 cr: x

a lot of my first thoughts about martin's characterization back when I first listened were about how he experienced the process of transition into adulthood in a weird out of joint manner, and I want to try and bring that back into the way I think about him. if he dropped out of school at 17 to become his family's breadwinner, then it stands to reason that he'd probably been filling a lot of the "head of household" roles since his early teens, but always in service to and under the direction of a parent that hated him. assuming that he got his institute job within, say, a year of dropping out, and he had to move to london on his own, being able to do all that as a teenager and not just implode (especially with no emotional support) is a significant feat, but it was all based on lies. all of his coworkers would have thought he was 4-6 years older than he was, and he could manage it, but only by making them think he was an incompetent young adult instead of an actually very capable teen. he went straight from being a kid with no time for being a kid to being an adult who was never taught how to be an adult. I think that does something to a person's ability to evaluate their own skills and importance.

Malevolent Fan Wrappped

You argued for Parker’s possible survival 5 times.

You spent 126 minutes talking to yourself out loud about Yellow.

You depicted Arthur being kind of a freak 45 times.

You made light of serious situations 102 times.

You rotated John in your brain for 1,706,802 minutes.

i just caught up with a breach of trust and I don't even know WHAT to say. thank you? jesus christ? oh my god? my husband and friends all hate me bc I won't shut up about it? I've never read a fanfic that could hold a candle? a match even? I've been reading in all my spare time. I've had dreams bc it's the last thing I'm thinking about at night. then I read more over breakfast. WOW? wowowowow? thank you again?

(A Breach of Trust)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Thank you for being as brain-rotted as I am over this Utter Behemoth of a fic!! It's woven into the fabric of my being at this point.

I've poured my heart and soul into it and it means so so much to me, so hearing that OTHER people are like, bothering the people in their OWN lives about it? Wow. I'm very happy over the notion that there are strangers who know vaguely of ABoT because their loved one wanted to tell them all about it.

I've really loved building it up from an empty Word document. I'm really happy and lucky other people have come along for that. Thank you!!

I’m happy for the little life I built for myself

Being in pain and anguish can make you a deeply unpleasant person when it starts to grate on you to the core of your soul how unwell you are, and it really can make interacting with others so much harder.

It is hard to be around other people when you're in pain, and the sounds around you quite literally hurt, and you feel the crushing weight of reality settling deep on your chest and throat, and it feels like the world is against you. It's hard to be "pleasant" when everything feels stacked against you.

I hope to be with all of you in a metaphorical way. It's hard to be disabled and to act "normal." It's important to recognize that we can become so entrenched in the horrors of disability and pain that we lash out because when we recognize the cause, we can start finding ways to notice what might help.

Disability can feel like you're turned into a shell of who you thought you "should" be. Give yourself the space to grieve if you need to. I know it's hard. Take it a day at a time.

“Why would you even ship that character with anybody?! He’s basically irredeemable to me—“

TO YOU!! He’s irredeemable to you. But some of us are silly geese that like our men to be the sexy, sad, feral, pathetic wet cats that they really are deep down, because we aren’t allergic to joy.

Is that okay with you??!? Is that permissible in the eyes of the Chronically Online Board of Hypothetical Ethics and Human Resources for Fictional Characters That Are Not Real™️®️.

You can go enjoy your curated selection of stale two dimensional wonderbread men in the corner, like the misguided pitiful lost soul that you are. the rest of us will be enjoying ourselves as our pathetic wet rag himbos and twinks kneel on the ground and beg to taste pussy/cock so hard they nearly come, like real men. just as god herself intended.

i love bingge v bingmei bc it immediately opens up the potential for multiple parallel worlds and travel through them if you just break things a LIL and there is nothing better i could have asked for in an extra. thinking intensely about bingge dropping into a world where shen yuan is a vampire. for fun and profit