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halliescomut · 1 year

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Uncle Jim thoughts Part 1

So we're halfway through and God I have so many feelings about Jim.

Like, I did make the joke about how he's basically Luke Danes translated to Thai, and like....I can list the similarities...you know what, I think I will.

Both run a eating establishment in their town

Both haven't dated due to a big heartbreak (For Luke it was Rachel, for Jim it's his ex, who either has no name, or I can't find it.)

Both consistently do things to help their community without expectation of thanks, and honestly would prefer not to be recognized for it. (Yes, Jim is more personable, while Luke is quite cranky, but they're both still doing it.)

Both have a sassy 'troublesome' nephew who's not really bad, just in a rebellious phase and feeling very hemmed in.

Both struggle to communicate with said nephew. (Hopefully we'll see a similar resolution to Jim and Li Ming that we see with Luke and Jess.)

Both are dealing with a love interest that is a bit free-spirited, a bit sarcastic, a bit whimsical.

Both said love interests have an ex who still feels entitled to them in a way that's quite concerning tbh. (Yes, Lorelai and Christopher's connection can never really be cut, since Rory exists, but Chris still felt entitled to Lorelai even though he'd not done much to deserve it and broke her heart more than once.)

Both are consistently providing assistance to their loved ones at their own expense. It's more obvious with Jim, as he's actively dealing with economic instability, which Luke never had to do (both because of the actual timing of that show and because money politics in Gilmore Girls makes absolutely no sense) but they both are willing to forego things in order to provide for others, and they do so without complaint.

Both are set in this idea of pursuing stability over pursuing more intangible things like 'happiness'. They see a specific value in contentment vs. ecstatic joy, and they believe that to be more easily attainable and far less risky.

Not really a similarity between Jim and Luke, but I can see a parallel with Leng and Praew in Liz and TJ. They're family that's a point of stress, but also a point of joy. And like, idk how quickly time will pass for the second half of the show, but I would be so ecstatic to see Jim with baby LP. I really liked seeing Luke's interactions with Doula, and as an aunt myself, there's something so wonderful about having this new little piece of your family. This person who has these parts of all the people you love in them, your sibling, parents, grandparents, and on. Like I don't believe people need to have children to feel fulfilled, but I think this feeling of seeing some of your favorite people inside this new unique little human is just amazing and so special.

Okay, end of that list for now. What I specifically wanted to kind of talk about was the relationship of Li Ming and Jim, because it's just so realistic. Jim and Li Ming are both kind of feeling the same way in the show, but they're reacting so differently and it's because of their ages. They both feel stressed and hemmed in by the life they're currently leading. I do believe that Jim very much enjoys running the Chicken and Rice shop and being a part of his community. He definitely has a genuine affection for everyone there, but because when it all started it was with the promise of not doing it alone, it's become very bittersweet to him. Li Ming, as a young adult, quite reasonably wants to get a chance to experience more of life, and part of that is travelling, but he's limited by social and financial circumstance.

Jim, as someone who's in his late 30's almost 40, is reconciling with his life and is most concerned with stability, especially after a few years of economic instability. And he's trying (poorly) to express that to Li Ming by encouraging him to go to university so that he has the best chance at finding a stable job. Because Jim doesn't necessarily believe that one, fairytale endings even exist any more, and two, that even if they did it's far too late for him. And he wants to be sure that when he's no longer there as a support that Li Ming is in a place to support himself.

Li Ming, who's still a teenager is still in that place where he feels comfortable taking risks. He doesn't believe that it will be easy or simple to do the work and travel program, but he knows that he's capable of it, and Jim's insistence that he not go feels more like Jim saying he's incapable. But he's also existed at least for a few years in a place where he knows he has Jim's support. He's operating in a place where he believes that if he tries and fails, he still has Jim to bail him out. And in that very particular myopia of teenage-dom he doesn't fully see that part of Jim's fear is that Jim won't have the means to bail him out. Li Ming is not stupid, he's fully aware of their social status, their financial struggles to an extent, but Jim is also consciously hiding the worst of it from him.

It's a consistent conversation that you hear all the time 'money can't buy happiness' and it can't but what financially insecure people would tell you is that money can buy stability. It can provide opportunities for growth and self expression. It can provide the ability to seek medical care. The joy that we find in life is most often through our interactions with loved ones. So no, money can't buy happiness, but if you're not working a 60 hour week, then you would have the time, space, and opportunity to spend time with your loved ones, to create that happiness and peace. Not having to consistently worry about how you're going to pay this or that, means enormous weight taken off of your shoulders.

Now I don't necessarily think Jim's in the wrong in his feelings, because the reality is everyone's feelings in this situation are very valid and very understandable. But as Wen point's out to him he needs to try and put himself in Li Ming's mindset. He needs to think about how he felt at 17. In that same vein I do think that Li Ming could benefit from spreading some of that compassion he has for Heart to Jim just a little bit. And it's very true that they're both so stubborn in this situation, not because they truly believe they're 100% right I think, but because there's a fear that they're wrong. Jim is, like every good parent, incredibly worried that he might be in the wrong here, but is stuck thinking about the long-term. He's preoccupied with making sure that in the long run Li Ming will be able to be self-sufficient. And Li Ming is worried that even though he so desperately wants the opportunity and chance to travel, what if he fails. And they're both kind of doing that thing where they are taking those fears out on each other, because they know that the affection there is deep.

In like, another little sidenote, because of all of the random things I pick up about emotion and emotional reactions. There's a statement I came across almost a year ago that so completely altered my way of think both about my own emotions, but also the emotional behavior of others...and it's that anger is a secondary emotion. Anger is a reaction to another emotion, whether it's fear, pain, shame, frustration, whatever. Their arguments, that anger, is based on Jim's fear and Li Ming's frustration.

I don't necessarily have a way to wrap this up...likely because there's no resolution to the story. But I just really love the honesty and authenticity of the story that's being shown. There are a lot of stories about family drama, but this one in particular very clearly expresses the deep affection they have for each other, even while they're fighting. Situations like this are never really black and white, especially when our actions stem from love. It doesn't mean that their choices are correct, that's why there's the saying about the road to hell being paved with good intentions, but it opens a door to understanding the characters and for the audience to connect. Because if you've been a provider for someone, like Jim is for Li Ming, you can understand his perspective, and we've all been kids like Li Ming, so there's understanding there as well. And I just think it's sets all of the audience up to self-reflect a little bit on how we've handled similar situations in the past, and how we could potentially handle situations in the future.

As a slight additional sidenote, yes we clearly see the acting from Earth and Fourth is top tier, and I don't know exactly how much of the screenwriting was done by P'Aof, but he is credited for that. But at the very least his directing here is so beautiful. Like, I'm not surprised, his credits are full of amazing series, but like every creative, the more you work the more you grow and improve, and I think this is his best work. It's really just great. He's definitely become a master in his craft, and while I've seen a good amount of his work, this really makes me want to seek out other projects of his that I haven't seen yet.

Well....that's idk, 1400+ words, so I guess I'll wrap it up here.

#Moonlight Chicken #Moonlight Chicken the series #Li Ming #Uncle Jim #Thai BL #Moonlight Chicken meta #There's probably more #but I already rambled forever #fourth nattawat #earth pirapat

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ober-affen-geil · 2 years

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For @tvarchive‘s TV Appreciation Week Day 2: favorite TV character of all time

Father Mulcahy | M*A*S*H

Played by 3 different actors in total, Rene Auberjonois in the 1970 film, George Morgan in the TV pilot in 1972, and William Christopher for the rest of the series. He appears in all 11 seasons of the show as the camp Chaplin. Though his faith is Catholic, he serves all the religious needs of the camp, and is canonically interested in the practices of other faiths. He is kind, good-natured, and an amateur boxer who serves up a mean right hook if the occasion calls for it. Here we see his playful side and his devout side from two different episodes. Get you a character who can do both.

[Begin image description

10 gifs, broken into two rows of two and one full-width and then repeated. The first 5 gifs are from one scene, the second 5 from another.

First scene is of Father Mulcahy and Hawkeye in a supply tent taking a lunch break. Hawkeye is in surgical scrubs with an Army-issue jacket over it and Father Mulcahy is wearing his Army-issue Chaplin’s uniform with a cross on his cover and a rainslicker over his uniform. Both look slightly damp.

Row 1 Gif 1: Hawkeye is looking at Father Mulcahy (off screen) consideringly, but with a mischievous half smile. He says “You know, Father?”, the caption is written in yellow.

Row 1 Gif 2: Father Mulcahy sits opposite him, politely curious as he’s listening to Hawkeye talk. Hawkeye (off-screen) says “Sitting there like that with the light hitting you the way it does...”. Father Mulcahy pops his eyebrows up, tilting his chin to encourage Hawkeye to continue. He says “Yes?” before taking another bite of his sandwich. The caption with Hawkeye’s lines is in yellow, Father Mulcahy’s is in white.

Row 2 Gif 1: Hawkeye delivers his joke, leaning back slightly to emphasize the punchline as if genuinely coming up with it on the spot. He says “You look just like a B-Girl I knew in San Diego.”, the caption is written in yellow.

Row 2 Gif 2: Father Mulcahy, still chewing his bite of sandwich smiles good naturedly. He tilts his eyebrows and head towards Hawkeye (off screen) as he indulgently says “It’s quite possible.”, the caption is written in white.

Full-Width Gif: Now it is Father Mulcahy’s turn to deliver the punchline. With the air of someone delivering a “did you know fun fact” he says “I worked my way through Divinity School as a B-Girl in San Diego.”, the caption is written in white. As he finishes, he ducks his head slightly and looks askance at Hawkeye (off-screen), delivering the final touch of the joke.

Second scene is of Father Mulcahy in the mess tent, converted for a church service, facing down Private Gillis holding his service rifle. Father Mulcahy is in his Army-issue uniform with his Chaplin’s collar clearly visible under his uniform blouse and Private Gillis is in his Army-issue uniform that is considerably more worn and dirty. Private Gillis is pointing his rifle at Father Mulcahy throughout.

Row 1 Gif 1: Focus on Father Mulcahy, with Private Gillis’ rifle clearly visible in the foreground. Father Mulcahy, clearly righteously angry, says “How dare you?! You seek refuge in this house of the Lord when it serves your purpose.” The caption is in white.

Row 1 Gif 2: Still on Father Mulcahy, he continues to rant at Private Gillis despite the rifle. He says “Then, when it’s no longer convenient, you desecrate it by pointing a deadly weapon at another human being.” The caption is in white.

Row 2 Gif 1: Wide shot of both Father Mulcahy and Private Gillis. Private Gillis is standing braced against his rifle, ready to fire. Father Mulcahy faces him, his hands slowly balling into fists as he speaks. He says “Private, a faith of convenience is a hollow faith!”, his body subconsciously emphasizing “convenience” and “hollow” as his anger comes out. The caption is in white.

Row 2 Gif 2: A shot of Father Mulcahy as he looks down at the rifle pointing at his chest. He is clearly considering a move. He comes to a decision and his mouth opens on a “hah!” as he suddenly grabs the barrel. Cut to a wide shot as Father Mulcahy follows the motion through to the side and throws the rifle away, Private Gillis losing his grip in surprise.

Full-Width Gif: Focus on Private Gillis looking at Father Mulchay (off-screen). His chin begins to tremble and his face crumbles as he breaks into tears. He says “I’m sorry, Father” and lurches forward to pull Father Mulcahy into a desperate hug. Cut to angle on Father Mulcahy, his hand already comforting on Private Gillis’ back despite coming down from the adrenaline and anger; he says “I know.” Private Gillis’ caption is in yellow and Father Mulcahy’s is in white.

End image description]

#tvweek22 #tvarchive #mash #father mulcahy #tw gun #tw food #a riley special #my gifs

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nosferatu-pvssy · 2 years

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What she brought to the world is no ordinary thing. Do you know what it means to create a literary masterpiece able to change the course of events? We all secretly wish to experience something so grand in our lives and she did.

You see, the figure of the vampire is so difficult to handle. We might think that it’s actually the easiest, because they descend directly from our kind, but that’s what lures us in the trap of writing them with mediocrity. Because vampires are wild things.

I remember when she talked about Twilight and Vampire Diares, saying that what caught her attention was how they domesticated vampires, something that she could have never been able to do with hers since they’re wild creatures, too much predators to be sitting in a high school class. Not participating to our schools is a very simbolic thing for me, because school is the place that theoretically should shape humans into beings that will function well in our society, to all of us it gives us the “access card” to any context related to our kind. Yes, even when you finish your years and feel like you didn’t learn anything and you got bullied. But of what use would this be for a vampire? Someone who is simply not part of our society? Here is my point: Anne not only has written these creatures, but she has also respected their nature, at least in the first books. She hasn’t humanized them, they are so different that they can’t mingle with us more than the necessary because we’d start to notice too many details after so little time. They can’t be part of our society because they have theirs already! This means that she didn't make them as a vain surrogate of our kind, but independent creatures with their own laws, science, brain structure. What works for us can't work for them and vice versa. This is the point of creation: something new has to be born, instead of just replicating ourselves on paper.

Anne's vampires have dramatically changed vampires' history for many reasons. One of those is that they are the bridge between the original myth of Dracula (who was more beast than man) and a more modern approach: psychology. Probably what made them so staggering to the public's eye is that through these characters we had a glimpse of how human psychology would possibly react to the shock of shifting from humanity to vampirism, how the culture of that person influenced the process of acceptance, how the very mechanisms of the brain change biologically to the point of almost turning you into another person while still being the human who didn't fully understood the horror of being a vampire when they said yes to the proposal "do you want to be mine forever?".

Cognitive change means that the social relationships formed among them will change too. So we have covens instead of groups of friends, we have masters instead of parents and sired fledglings instead of sons and daughters. A vampire queen instead of God. At this point we see that technically they've involuntarily formed a society parallel to ours, which is probably one of the few links between our races.

We say one last goodbye to the woman who reshaped this mythological creatures from the monsters ridiculized by church into ladies and gentlemen predators who elegantly slyther among us for centuries, sowing knowledge and reaping lives. Immortal guardians of art, witnesses of history.

We say goodbye to the original queen of vampires who paved the way for all the modern lovers of darkness, who made it possible for us that these monsters wouldn't be anymore the jokes of nature to run from but our obscure friends and silent protectors.

The woman who gave life to such a brilliant man, Christopher Rice, who for sure her Lestat would have loved and respected. The little Michele, that with her tragedy has written vampire history through her mother's pen, creating the iconic figure of the vampire child and therefore becoming virtually immortal herself.

Anne Rice embodied both the placid wildness of Louis and the roaring murder machine of Lestat. Only such a remarkable woman could catch the eye of the equally remarkable and bold Stan Rice.

Today all of us dark children gather around you, Anne. Despite our differences, the internal fights we have had, with our broken and still bleeding hearts in our hands we are all united under the same roof to cry for the end of an era, bloody or clear tears together.

Goodnight, vampire mother. You are gone knowing that you created a masterpiece.

Anne Rice.

4 October 1941 - 11 December 2021.

#anne rice #vampire chronicles #interview with the vampire #the vampire chronicles #vc #iwtv

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maxwell-grant · 3 years

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Having asked your thoughts on designing Frankenstein's daemon, might I now ask your thoughts on bringing Count Dracula from the written word into illustration? (I'm definitely in favour of the 'Hairy Old Mountain Man of Horror pretending he's people' look from the original novel; one of the small tests too many Draculas fail to pass is an absolutely tragic lack of the Evil Beard and/or Wicked Moustache explicitly described by Mr Stoker).

Unlike with Frankenstein, where I think the design needs to be painstakingly thought out in order to achieve the best balance of the creature's traits for horror and tragedy alike, I think with Dracula you can actually just take an approach of "whatever works". Because as I mentioned before, I think much of the appeal and longevity of Dracula is how the character's both a layered villain as well as a shapeshifting narrative force that can be tailored to whatever you want to do with. Granted, there are bad or dissappointing Dracula designs, of course there are, but in regards to the leeway you get for reinterpretation, you get a lot more of it with Dracula than with other literary icons.

Like with Frankenstein, I'm gonna bring up how I'd tackle a less grim, more comedy-centric Dracula first, one that's less a force of horror and more of a charismatic villain, and I think to that end I definitely agree that people are sleeping a lot on the hairy old man barely-passing-off-as-humanoid of the original story. Despite very much loving these performers, I'm actually not a fan of takes that mold Dracula too closely to people who've portrayed him, like Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee, partially because I think it's a waste of an opportunity to create your own Dracula design. Since I can't draw (yet), I'll do what I usually do and make a board of images to try and convey some of my thoughts on one way I'd design Dracula.

(Pictured: Kiwi's design for Dracula, Hotel Transylvania concept art, Nandor, Castlevania Dracula, Charles Dance in Dracula Untold, Vladislav, a Transylvanian rug)

I used the images in my other Dracula post and I’ll post it here again because I absolutely adore @kiwibyrd's designs for Dracula and it's main heroes, in particular I love the way it strikes a good balance at making sure Dracula looks distinctly separate from the humans, but not too much that he couldn't conceivably operate in society as just a harmless old man. I also adore the mustache and bushy eyebrows and pointy ears and I think these three are wonderful features to keep on any Dracula design. I'm also very partial to the Hotel Transylvania concept art, even if it makes me incredibly depressed to look at all the great designs they had for Dracula that they threw in the trash because they somehow decided making him look like Adam Sandler was the idea to go with.

I deeply adore What We Do In The Shadows, both the movie and the show, and Jemaine Clement's Vladislav is one of my favorite (maybe even my actual favorite) on-screen Draculas. But I also enjoy Nandor just as much, and I think it's really great that as a character he's completely different from Vlad while also being ostensibly a take on Dracula, and in particular I bring up his Jersey look because "Dracula in common clothing" is a criminally underrated concept for a joke.

As a character, I'm very partial to comedy takes on Dracula that play him up as a decadent aristocratic supervillain, the kind that can get away with talking in third person. I also have this idea for a version of Dracula who dresses ostentatiously in finely-broidered Romanian or Transylvanian patterns, maybe even wearing a rug as a cape, claiming that he's carrying the legacy of his people on his back. And of course he's lying, he's not Vlad Tepes and he's not even Romanian, he is just a parasite pretending to have a history to be proud of, but good luck getting him to admit that. And finally, I'd like this version to be played by Charles Dance, and I consider it a tremendous crime against humanity that he has yet to play Dracula proper even despite being in a film with the character's name on the title.

So that's kinda how I would design a take on Dracula for something more comedic or more based around him as this guest character and personality on-set. Now, if we're talking a more serious version, I think the possibilities increase, and I won't be getting into all of them because I may prefer to keep them to myself, but I'll elaborate a few ideas.

For example, the edition of Dracula I personally own comes with these really scratchy, really creepy B&W illustrations related to the story, that I can't find scanned online so I'm uploading them here so you can look at. They don't necessarily depict the scenes but rather some of the story's moments, like Van Helsing staking Lucy, Renfield in a straightjacket, Dracula as a coachman, and they are more focused on conveying the horror of the concepts at play.

Dracula never looks the same way in any of the illustrations, in fact you kinda have to piece him out of them by trying to find teeth or capes or eyes or bat-features to see where he's hiding this time. In the first, it's the half-man half-bat, in the 2nd, he's the shrieking bat silhouette next to Renfield, and in the latter, he's the gaping jaws and eerily humanoid eyes in the wolf. The effect to me almost feels like if you were to look at a bunch of tv static and then see a humanoid shape form for a split second before everything went back to normal, something like you'd get from Slender Man or other modern creepypastas, and I’ve argued before that Dracula’s form of horror is a very modern one.

In terms of illustrations of Dracula that keep up the original traits while still pulling off horror, I definitely have to hand it to the one at the left of the image above, drawn by regourso on Deviantart (account deleted at present). Going back to Castlevania’s many takes on Dracula, two in particular that stick out to me would be Castlevania: Judgment’s armored dress Dracula, who’s got this great twisted heart/rose motif going on in his outfit, and Dracula’s final form in SOTN where he just sits in his throne and his cape twists into all these monsters, particularly how it’s depicted by witnesstheabsurd’s depiction.

I’m not particularly a fan of how Dracula’s “final form” in these games is usually just some big demon, and part of what I like about his final form in SOTN instead is that, while it’s not a particularly challenging final boss, I do find it interesting the idea of us never actually getting to see what Dracula’s true final form looks like, only an ever-shifting pitch-black torrent of teeth and claws and bloody veins pouring out because that’s ultimately what Dracula is and brings to the world.

On the flip-side of the rotten old monster, we have the charming seductor Dracula, and while I’m really not a fan of how various adaptations have convinced people that “the point” of Dracula is that he’s a seductive force and an allegory for Victorian xenophobia and I’m reeeally even less of a fan of adaptations that make Dracula some misunderstood tragic hero (and I think I’ve made rather violently clear my feelings on interpretations that play up a romance between him and Mina), that the seductive force part exists is impossible to deny, so conversely, while on one hand we can have Dracula as the gargantuan whirlwind of predatory violence, we can also go for Dracula as the tantalizing lover.

I’ve seen a lot of opinions proclaiming Frank Langella as the best Dracula because he was the best at actually being seductive while still playing Dracula, although I haven’t yet seen his performances. If I had to point at one picture I look at and do buy for a second the idea of Dracula as a romantic character, it would be that particular still of Raul Julia in the left of the above image. And it’s strange for me to think of Raul Julia as attractive because I mainly associate him with his brilliant comedy performance of M.Bison (I know it’s far from the highlight of his career but, look, I grew up with Street Fighter, I can’t help it) but those eyes are definitely looking pretty convincing to me, if nothing else.

And I’ve included this still of Sebastian Stan in the right because, during a conversation between me, @krinsbez and @jcogginsa about who could be a good fit for Dracula, jcog suggested Sebastian Stan, partially because he’s Romanian, and I’ve learned recently that Stan was actually interested in playing the character in Blumhouse’s upcoming remake. And you’d think I’d hate this idea considering how much I don’t care for tragic anti-hero Draculas, but who says that’s what he’d have to play?

Do you have any idea how much actors, who are traditionally known for heroic or supporting roles, usually LOVE it when you give them a chance to cut loose as the main villain?

I’d want Sebastian Stan to put all of his charm, all of his talent, all of his good looks and etc, into playing the absolute most vicious, bloodthirsty and irredeemable Dracula put on screen. Someone who is exceedingly, eerily good at being a lovable protagonist, who’s all smiles and charming eyes and politeness mannerisms and maybe even a funny accent, and then it isn't as funny when he's flying through your window intent on kidnapping babies to feed to his brides, except he may take a moment or two to do so because he's feeling pretty hungry himself right now.

Now, admittedly this is kind of a lot to juggle in regards to a single character, which is why my answer for questions like these inevitably has to be “depends on what I’m going for”. That being said, if I was going to try and cast someone who I think could both look the part of Dracula, as well as respectively, play “cartoon aristocrat” Dracula, “mercurial embodiment of evil” Dracula, as well as realistically be an attractive, even seductive performer who can charm viewers even as the character descends into horrible villainy, and juggle these performances even?

I think I’d have to go with Mads Mikkelsen. Not specifically because of Hannibal (I actually haven’t watched it yet), although it’s definitely a factor, the thing that actually made me pick him specifically is, other than his looks, his voice, his reputation for playing sinister characters, the fact that he loves the role and wants to play it, or how many people are deeply in love with this man, or that people already joke that he looks like a vampire, was watching him in Another Round, and specifically that glorious final scene where he’s just dancing to his heart’s content and just, moving with such spring in his step and such joyful vitality even though he’s past his mid-fifties, and that was the moment where, in regards to how much you all love this man, I went

And now I am going to add “casting Mads Mikkelsen as a dancing Dracula” to The List of Reasons Why I Became a Filmmaker.

#replies tag #dracula #horror tag #bram stoker #charles dance #sebastian stan #mads mikkelsen #castlevania #raul julia #wwdits #what we do in the shadows #vladislav #nandor

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chrisevansjellybeans · 3 years

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TikTok Challenge (2)

A/N: Been getting a lot of love on the first part of this and that means the world so thank you guys so much! Here’s part 2 and I hope you enjoy :)

Chris Evans x Reader

Warning: swearing(??), indication of smut

Word Count: 1546

(1)

You shouldn’t have been surprised that your TikTok with Chris would blow up. You weren’t dumb and you had been on TikTok enough to know that there was whole pages just dedicated to your incredible silly and loveable boyfriend. Hell, you followed most of them and quite frankly chatted with some of the creators because they loved your boyfriend as much as you did.

And yet here you were, stunned, as you stared at your video as it played the iconic scene over and over again and tucked nicely on the side was the number 2.3 million. Over 2 million people liked yours and Chris’s video, and it had only been up for about a week. And the comments were so kind and funny. People demanding that you continue doing small pranks on him or requesting other couple challenges. Your face lit up when you saw Chris Olson commented, since you had tagged him you hoped it would reach him but you weren’t sure.

“Holy shit.” You mumbled to yourself as you also stared at your follower count. When you had first downloaded your TikTok you had maybe 25 followers, just close friends and family. You had made a couple just silly videos with Dodge and that had made you get a couple hundred more when people started to recognize you, but now you were at 150k.

Quickly you started thinking of a different video that you could do. Immediately the video of girls going up to their boyfriends like they were about to initiate sex but then stand up and jump on them came to mind.

Perfect.

Now you just had to find a way to set up the camera while Chris was in the bedroom. You got up from the couch and made your way to the bedroom, luckily he was still showering after his workout. You glanced around the room and tried to pinpoint the perfect spot for your phone later.

The dresser on the side wall had some candles on it that would be the perfect prop and it was just out of the way enough that he wouldn’t really notice if your phone was over there. As you fiddled with your phone you heard the shower turn off and Chris’s voice, humming to whatever song he was playing, was getting closer. Quickly, you grabbed your phone and hopped on the bed trying to act like you were just relaxing.

“Hey babygirl,” Chris smiled at you as he walked out of the bathroom, running a towel through his hair as another was loosely wrapped around his waist. He made his way over to you instead of his closet and leaned down and gave you a kiss. “What ya doing?”

“Just going through Instagram. Thinking about my hot boyfriend all wet and sudsy in the shower. You know, the usual.” You grinned up at him. He raised his eyebrow slightly as he leaned more on you.

“Oh really?” He pressed his lips against that spot on your neck that had you melting in his hands. “And why didn’t you join me? I had something I needed you to take care of in there.” The vibration of his voice against your skin was felt as it made your nipples stand at attention and your core ache.

“Hmm.” You moaned as you ran your fingers through his hair, having him move up so that you could give him a proper kiss. “I’m here now.”

“That you are, babygirl.” Chris said against your lips as he let the towel around his waist fall down and pulled you closer to him. “Let me show you what you missed.”

You stood outside, waiting for Dodger to finish going to the bathroom before bedtime. As soon as he finished, you finished turning off all the lights around the house and blowing out any candles that Chris might have missed on his way to bed.

“Come on, Dodge. Let’s go find daddy.” Dodger followed dutifully behind you, his favorite stuffed Lion secured between his teeth.

Chris looked like every girl’s wet dream when you walked into the bedroom. He was leaning up against the bed frame with a book in front of him, bare chested and only in a pair of plaid pajamas pants. The icing on the cake though was his new reading glasses he just got. It seemed impossible but he somehow got even sexier with those on.

You quickly changed out of your clothes and put on your favorite of Chris’s t-shirts to sleep in and since you were about to film a video, put on some pajama shorts as well. You walked over to the dresser with the notion to take off your jewelry, but as you did that you also set up your phone on the spot that you had decided on before.

When the timer went off you walked over to Chris, once again trying hard not to break character as you tried to seem as seductive as possible. He looked over the top of his book as you moved onto him, straddling his waist. Immediately he set down his book and glasses on the nightstand and his hands found their way to your ass.

“Are you sure you’re ready for, what would this be, round 4?” You felt yourself blush all over knowing that Chris’s words would be heard on the internet. You didn’t say anything as you lightly kissed right under his jaw. Chris groaned and his head fell back as he gripped your ass tighter. But his face of pleasure soon turned to confusion as you stood up.

“Worldstar baby!” You laughed as you tapped your elbow and jumped. But of course your “I do my own stunts” boyfriend had reflexes like a goddamn cat and before you could fully land on him he caught you.

“Are you on crack?” Chris laughed as he tickled your sides as you fell to the side of him. You giggled as he continued to tickle you.

“It’s for-” you could barely finish seeing as you couldn’t breathe from laughing. You pointed to your phone on the dresser. “Tiktok babe.”

Chris groaned as he stopped his ticklish assault on you and pushed his face into the crook of your neck.

“Babe!” He groaned as he rolled over and sat up, looking directly in the camera like a scene out of the office. You sat up behind him and wrapped your arms around his neck as you smiled into the camera as well.

“Smile for the fans, honey.” You joked.

“Wait, so does that mean no sex tonight?”

“Christopher!” You glanced at the camera which had once again ended at the perfect time.

“Ha. Now you won’t post it.” Chris chuckled.

“Babe, if you don’t think that every girl, gay and they on that app won’t get excited at the sound of you saying that; you truly don’t know your own fans.” You kissed his cheek and bounced over to your phone watching the video. You bit your lip as you watched, slightly concerned that it might be a little too scandalous in the video. You knew that there were worse things on that app but you knew that you had to be more careful for Chris’s sake.

“Chris, come watch this.” You turned to him. “I don’t want to post it if you think that Caroline will kill me.” Caroline, his publicist, worked hard to make sure that Chris maintained his image as the wonderful human being that he was. He obviously didn’t make it hard to do but you didn’t want to cause any issues.

Chris sighed as you sat next to him, leaned your head against his chest and let the video replay.

“If it’s too sex tape-ish in the beginning I wont post it. Just having it for myself is enough.” You said as Chris watched the video closely. You bit your lip as the part where you’re on top of him played.

“But you want to post it?” Chris asked when the video finished. He turned to look at you fully, placing his hands on the tops of your thighs.

“I mean of course, it’s funny and I think people would like it. Our other video has already gone viral. But I’m not going to do anything that you are uncomfortable with. I know you like your privacy.”

“I think it’s fine to post. I mean there’s not much worse that can happen since the other incident.” You rubbed his hand that was resting on your leg. “If Caroline has a problem with it she can talk to me, but I say it’s fine.”

“Are you sure?” You asked once more before you posted it. “This might be the video that shoots us into TikTok fame. Forget Captain America, this will be your biggest gig yet.” You joked.

“I can not stand you.” Chris rolled his eyes. “Now let’s please either have the sex that I thought I was getting or go to bed.” He laid down and raised his eyebrows seductively. He lightly tapped the spot next to him and then made circular motions with his hands.

“You’re a dork.” You laughed as you set your phone down and decided to reward your boyfriend for being so cooperative.

#chris evans imagine #chris evans x reader #chris evans x reader imagine #chris evans fanfiction

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lifewouldbebetteronmars · 2 years

Text

Sequel to Do You Want To Hear My Story, Filomena?

Title is from Tied Down by Jaymes You g

Tagging @have-a-holly-jolly-angstmas @writeordie-4 @littlx-songbxrd @life-through-the-eyes-of @wagnerthedragon @shadowrunner2000 @melanielocke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Love Has The Power To Keep You Tied Down

Alastair walked slowly down the stairs following his talk with Filomena. He hoped that she would understand his point of view now.

He didn’t expect her to change her mind, of course. Filomena seemed too stubborn for that. A good fit for Eugenia, he supposed, who was as stubborn as a bull.

He could hear the voices of his husband and siblings clearly in the distance, laughing and joking the whole time. Alastair knew he needed Thomas right now, especially after talking to Filomena.

It was still hard to talk about what happened to him, even if it had been over a century since then.

“Nice hunt?” he asked, trying to sound cool when he saw his family walk through the door.

Thomas stops laughing and gives him a look, silently asking; are you alright, Lassie?

Alastair just knew the Lassie would be part of it, since Thomas only ever called him that name when he was very concerned. And by the look on his face, he was very, very concerned.

“It was great.” Eugenia was looking at him suspiciously, probably reading his mind and seeing what he told Filomena. He internally rolled his eyes. So protective.

He looks around, noting the absence of Christopher and Grace. “Where’s Kit and Grace?”

It was Eugenia’s turn to roll her eyes. “They’ll be back tomorrow morning.”

Alastair nodded in understanding and turned his gaze to his husband, feeling his eyes on him. He gestured with his eyes that they should go upstairs. Thomas nodded and walked ahead of him. Alastair was about to follow when he felt himself being tugged back by the arm.

“Thank you.” Eugenia said, looking shy.

“For what?”

“For telling Filomena your story. I think she needed to hear it.”

“I thought so too.”

Eugenia smiled brightly and patted him on the shoulder, passing him by on the stairs.

Thank you, she mouthed on last time before going to the guest room to see her girlfriend.

Alastair sighed when he finally closed the door to his and Thomas’s bedroom. He leaned against the door, head in his hands.

“Lassie?” Thomas asked from his place on the bed. Alastair wished, for the hundredth time, that vampires could cry.

He made his way to his husband, straddling his lap and wrapping himself tightly around him. He just needed Thomas to hold him for now, like his arms could hold all the broken parts of himself together.

“I’ve got you, love. I’ve got you.”

Alastair felt sobs wracking his body. Painful, tearless sobs.

Thomas continued to hold him, rubbing up and down his back, whispering sweet comforts into his ear.

It was near dawn by the time Alastair calmed down enough to tell Thomas what happened. And Thomas stayed silent the whole time as he listened, rubbing small circles onto the small of Alastair’s back.

“I hate that it’s been almost one hundred and twenty years, and I still react this way when I talk about it.” Alastair admitted, looking down at his hands.

Thomas titled his chin up with his fingers. “Sometimes I’m happy that you killed him and his friends. Sometimes I’m jealous because I wish I could’ve of done it myself. I hate that they still effect you so much.”

“I wish I died that night. I wish that Gideon never saved me.” he admitted quietly, silently wishing again that he could cry.

“I know, Lassie. I know.”

“I hate that I think that, because I love you so much. But at the same time, if someone made me choose between humanity and you, I wouldn’t hesitate in my choice. And it wouldn’t be you.”

Thomas hugged him closer to his body. “I know that you never wanted this life, Alastair. You don’t need to apologize for that.”

“I love you, Tom. I’ll love you until the day after forever.”

“And I, you, Lassie.”

Their foreheads were resting against each other.

“Thank you for letting be here for you right now.”

“No, thank you.”

Thomas looked up at him, eyes wide in confusion. “For what?”

“For letting me be selfish.”

Thomas understood what Alastair meant by that. He knew how Alastair felt about immortality, his distaste for it. If he could, he would do anything to make Alastair human again. No matter how impossible it was.

He knew he wouldn’t be Alastair’s choice, if it was love versus humanity.

He couldn’t help but feel grateful that Alastair would never have to make that choice. He didn’t think he could live with the decision.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

🎶On the twelfth day of Angstmas, Riley gives to you🎶

🎶Twelve finished fics🎶

🎶Eleven AUs🎶

🎶Ten heartbreaks🎶

🎶Nine theories🎶

🎶Eight Grey’s reference🎶

🎶Seven crying Alastair🎶

🎶Six injuries🎶

🎶Five ER trips🎶

🎶Four song lyrics🎶

🎶Three angsty fics🎶

🎶Two broken hearts🎶

🎶And one Charles dying🎶

New song starting tomorrow because I just finished the 12 days of Christmas

#25 days of angstmas #twilight au #the last hours #alastair carstairs #thomas lightwood #thomastair #eugenia lightwood #filomena di angelo #filogenie

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joshjacksons · 3 years

Text

Joshua Jackson interview with Refinery29

Against my better judgement, and at the risk of losing any semblance of journalistic objectivity, I start my conversation with Joshua Jackson by effusively telling him what a dream come true it is to be talking to him. See, like many millennial women who grew up watching the late ‘90s and early 2000s teen drama Dawson’s Creek, Jackson’s Pacey Witter means a lot to me. Pacey is one of the rare fictional teen boys of my youth whose adolescent charisma, romantic appeal, and general boyfriend aptitude hold up all these years later (unlike The O.C’s Seth Cohen or Gossip Girl’s Chuck Bass) and that is due in large part to the wit, vulnerability, and care Jackson brought to the character.

It’s the same intention he’s afforded all of his famous roles — Peter Bishop in Fringe, Cole Lockhart in The Affair, and even as a 14-year-old in his first acting gig as sweet-faced heartthrob Charlie Conway in The Mighty Ducks. Now, Jackson, 43, has matured into a solid supporting actor (with memorable turns in Little Fires Everywhere and When They See Us) and as a leading man who can draw you into a story with just his voice (Jackson’s latest project is narrating the psychological thriller and Canadian Audible original, Oracle, one of the over 12,000 titles available today on Audible.ca’s the Plus Catalogue) or find humanity in the most sinister men (he’s currently playing a sociopath with a god complex in Dr. Death). His magnetic pull is as evident as it was when he was the guy you rooted for in a show named after another guy’s creek. Jackson has never seemed to mind the fact that so many people still bring up Pacey decades later, and that’s part of why as an adult, he’s one of the few childhood crushes I still have on a pedestal. I tell him just a tiny slice of this, and Jackson graciously sits up straighter and promises to bring his A-game to our Zoom exchange. Jackson is in what appears to be an office, flanked by mess, like a true work-from-home Dad. He and his wife, fellow actor Jodie Turner-Smith, welcomed a daughter in the early days of the pandemic in 2020, and he tells me that fatherhood and marriage are the best decisions he has ever made. Jackson and Turner-Smith are a rare Hollywood couple who choose to let us in on their love, but not obnoxiously — just through flirty Instagram comments and cheeky tweets. Their pairing is part of Jackson’s enduring appeal. It’s nice to think that Pacey Witter grew up to be a doting dad and adoring husband, even if his wife’s name is Jodie, not Joey.

Jackson is an animated conversationalist, leaning into the camera to emphasize his points — especially when the topic of diversity comes up. White celebs don’t get asked about racism in Hollywood the way their counterparts of colour do, and when they do, they’re usually hesitant at best, and unequipped at worst, to tackle these conversations. Jackson is neither. He’s open, willing, and eager to discuss systemic inequality in the industry he’s grown up in. It’s the bare minimum a straight white man in Hollywood can do, and Jackson seems to know this. When he ventures briefly into trying to explain to me, a Black woman, the perils of being Black, female, and online, he catches himself and jokes that of course, I don’t need him to tell me the racism that happens in the comment section of his wife’s Instagram. The self-deprecating delivery is one I’m familiar with from watching Jackson onscreen for most of my life, and seeing it in person (virtually) renders me almost unable to form sentences. Jackson’s charm is disarming, but his relaxed Canadian energy is so relatable, I manage to maintain my professionalism long enough to get through our conversation. Refinery29: Your voice has been in my head for a few days because I've been listening to Canadian Audible Original, Oracle. What drew you to this project and especially the medium of audio storytelling?

Joshua Jackson: The book itself is such a page turner. I also love the idea of those old radio plays. It's like a hybrid between the beauty of reading a book on the page where your imagination does all of it. We craft a little bit of the world, but because this is a noir thriller married with this metaphysical world, there's a lot of dark and creepy places that your imagination gets to fill in for yourself.

I'm noticing a trend in some of the roles you've been taking on lately, with this and Dr. Death, these stories are very dark and creepy. But so many people still think of you as Pacey Witter, or as Charlie Conway, the prototypical good guys of our youth. Are you deliberately trying to kill Pacey and Charlie?

JJ: I'm not trying to kill anybody — except on screen [laughs]. It's funny, I didn't really think of these two things as companion pieces, but I won't deny that there may be something subconscious in this anxiety, stress-filled year that we've all just had. That may be what I was trying to work out was some of that stress, because that's the beauty of my job. Instead of therapy, I just get someone to pay me to say somebody else's words. So, yeah, that could be a thing [but] the thought process that went into them both was very different. Even though this is a dark story, [lead character, police psychic] Nate Russo is still the hero. [Dr. Death’s] Christopher Duntsch very much is not at all. I can't pretend to know my own mind well enough to be able to tell you exactly how [these two roles] happened, but it happened.

That might be something that you should work through with an actual therapist. JJ: Exactly. Yeah, maybe real therapy is on the docket for me [laughs].

So I was listening to Oracle and you're doing these various creepy voices — I’m sorry the word “creepy” keeps coming up.

JJ: Are you trying to tell me something? You know what? I wanted to skip straight to the creepy old man phase of my career. So, it sounds like I'm doing a good job.

You're doing amazing, sweetie [laughs]. So, I was thinking you must be really good at bedtime stories with your daughter doing all these voices. Or is she still too young for that?

JJ: No! She's all the way into books. Story time is my favourite part of the day because it gives me the opportunity to have that time with her just one-on-one. Her favorite book right now is a book called Bedtime Bonnet. Every night I bring out three books, and she gets to pick one. The other two shift a little bit, but Bedtime Bonnet is every single night.

I love that. Since you're married to a Black woman, you know a thing or two about bonnets. JJ: Yeah, well I'm getting my bonnet education. And I'm getting my silk sheet education. I'm behind the curve, but I'm figuring it out [laughs].

You said in an interview recently that you are now at the age where the best roles for men are. And I wonder if you can expand on that and whether you think of the fact that the same cannot be said for the majority of women actors in their 40s?

JJ: What's great about the age that I'm at now as a man is that, generally speaking, the characters — even if they're not the central character of this show — are well fleshed out. They're being written from a personal perspective, usually from a writer who has enough lived experience and wants to tell the story of a whole character. Whereas when you're younger — and obviously I was very lucky with some of the characters that I was able to play – you're the son or the boyfriend, or you're a very two-dimensional character. It's gotten better, but still a lot like you're either the precocious child or you're the brooding one. I will say that while I would agree with you to a certain point for women, I think that this is probably the best era to be a not 25-year-old-woman in certainly the entirety of my career. And it is also the best time to be a Black woman inside of the industry. There's still more opportunity for a 40-year-old white man than there is for a 40-year-old white woman, but it is better now than it has ever been. The roles that women are able to inhabit and occupy and the opportunities that are out there have multiplied. If I started my career in playing two-dimensional roles to get the three-dimensional roles, most women started their career in three-dimensional roles and end up at “wife” or “mom.” And that's just not the case anymore. There's just a lot of broadly diverse stories being told that centre women. So you're right, but in the last five years, six years I would say, there has really been a pretty significant shift.

And I think that shift is happening because who's behind the camera is also changing. JJ: Right? Who holds the purse strings. That's big. Who gets to green light the show to begin with? You have to have a variety of different faces inside of that room. And then, who's behind the camera. What is the actual perspective that we're telling the story from? The male gaze thing is very real. Dr. Death had three female directors. The central character of Dr. Death is an outrageously toxic male figure. Who knows more about toxic male BS than women? Particularly women who are in a predominantly male work environment. So these directors had a very specific take and came at it with a clarity that potentially a man wouldn't see, because we have blind spots about ourselves. We're in a space where there's a recognition that we've told a very narrow band of what's available in stories. There's so many stories to be told and it's okay for us to broaden out from another white cop.

I hope that momentum continues. Okay, I have to tell you something: I’m a little obsessed with your wife, Jodie Turner-Smith. JJ: Me too. As you should be! I love how loudly and publicly you both love on each other. But I need you to set the scene for me. When you are leaving flirty Instagram comments, and she's tweeting thirsty things about you, are you in the same room? Do you know that the other one is tweeting? What's happening?

JJ: We're rarely in the same room [writing] the thirsty comments because that usually just gets said to each other. But, look, if either of us misses a comment, you better believe at night, there's a, "Hey, did you see what I wrote?" One, she's very easy to love out loud and two, she's phenomenal. And I have to say, the love and support that is coming my direction has been a revelation in my life. I've said this often, and it just is the truth: If you ever needed to test whether or not you had chosen the right partner in life, just have a baby at the beginning of a pandemic and then spend a year and a half together. And then you know. And then you absolutely know. I didn't get married until fairly late in the game. I didn't have a baby till very late in the game and they're the two best choices I've ever made in my life.

I'm just going to embarrass you now by reading one of Jodie's thirsty comments to you. She tweeted, “Objectifying my husband on the internet is my kink. I thought you guys knew this by now,” with a gif that said "No shame." JJ: [laughs] That sounds about right.

She's not the only one though. There's this whole thirst for Joshua Jackson corner of the internet. And it feels like there's been a bit of a heartthrob resurgence for you now at your big age. How do you feel about that?

JJ: I hadn't really put too much thought into it, but I am happy that my wife is thirsty for me. What about the rest of us? JJ: That's great for y'all, but it's most important that my wife is thirsty for me. Good answer. You're good at this husband thing. You recently revealed that Jodie proposed to you. Then it became this big story, and people were so surprised by it. How did you feel about the response? JJ: Thank you for giving me the opportunity to give context to this story. So I accidentally threw my wife under the bus because that story was told quickly and it didn't give the full context and holy Jesus, the internet is racist and misogynist. So yes, we were in Nicaragua on a beautiful moonlit night, it could not possibly have been more romantic. And yes, my wife did propose to me and yes, I did say yes, but what I didn't say in that interview was there was a caveat, which is that I'm still old school enough that I said, "This is a yes, but you have to give me the opportunity [to do it too]." She has a biological father and a stepdad, who's the man who raised her. [I said], ‘You have to give me the opportunity to ask both of those men for your hand in marriage.’ And then, ‘I would like the opportunity to re-propose those to you and do it the old fashioned way down on bended knee.’ So, that's actually how the story ended up.

So, there were two proposals. I do feel like that is important context. JJ: Yes, two proposals. And also for anybody who is freaked out by a woman claiming her own space, shut the fuck up. Good God, you cannot believe the things people were leaving my wife on Instagram. She did it. I said ‘yes.’ We're happy. That's it. That's all you need to know. That has been a real education for me as a white man, truly. The way people get in her comments and the ignorance and ugliness that comes her way is truly shocking. And it has been a necessary, but an unpleasant education in just the way people relate to Black bodies in general, but Black female bodies in specific. It is not okay. We have a long way to go. Jodie is such an inspiration because it seems like she handles it in stride. She handles it all with humour and with grace. JJ: She does. And look, I think it's like a golden cage, the concept of the strong Black woman. I would wish for my wife that she would not have to rise above with such amazing strength and grace, above the ugliness that people throw at her on a day to day. I am impressed with her that she does it, but I would wish that that would not be the armour that she has to put on every morning to just navigate being alive. That's a word. That's a word, Joshua Jackson.

The 13-year-old in me needs to ask this. We are in the era of reboots. If they touched Dawson's Creek — which is a masterpiece that should not be touched — but if they did, what would you want it to look like? JJ: I think it should look a lot like it looked the first time. To me, what was great about that story was it was set in a not cool place. It wasn't New York, it wasn't LA, it wasn't London. It wasn't like these were kids who were on the cutting edge of culture, but they were kids just dealing with each other and they were also very smart and capable of expressing themselves. It's something that I loved at that age performing it. And I think that is the reason it has lived on. We have these very reductive ideas of what you're capable of at 16, 17, 18. And my experience of myself at that point was not as a two-dimensional jock or nerd or pretty girl. You are living potentially an even more full life at that point because everything's just so heightened. [Dawson’s Creek] never talked down to the people that it was portraying. That's one of the things that I loved about it as a book nerd growing up. The vocabulary of Dawson's Creek was always above my level and that was refreshing. To go back to the “diversity” conversation, you can't really make a show with six white leads anymore and that’s a good thing. But I also don't know how I feel about taking a thing, rebooting it, and just throwing Black characters in there.

JJ: I hear that. And there's certain contexts in which it doesn't work unless you're making it a thing about race, right? If you watch Bridgerton, obviously you're living inside of a fantasy world, and so you're bringing Black characters into this traditionally white space and what would historically be a white space. And now you are able to have a conversation about myth-making and inclusion and who gets to say what and who gets to act how. So that's interesting, but I don’t think you’re just throwing in a Black character if you changed Joey to a Black woman [or] Pacey to a Black man. What you're doing is you're enriching the character. Let's say one of those characters is white and one of those characters is Black. Now, there's a whole rich conversation to be had between these two kids, the political times that we live in, the cultural flow that is going through all of us right now. I think that makes a better story. All these conversations around comic books in particular like, "Well, that's a white character." It's like, Man, shut up. What are you talking about? It is a comic book character! Joey and Pacey don't have to be white. Dawson and Jen don't have to be white. And this is what we were talking about a little bit earlier. We get better the broader our perspective is, both as humans, but also in the entertainment industry. So if you went back to a story like [Dawson’s Creek], what was important in that show was class not race, which I think is true for a lot of small Northeastern towns. They are very white. But if you brought race into that as well, you don't diminish the amount of the stories that you can tell. You enrich the tapestry of that show. So I think that would be a great idea.

Make Pacey Witter a Black man in 2021 is what I just heard from you. JJ: Hashtag ‘Make Pacey Witter A Black Man’. There we go!

#joshua jackson #refinery29 #interviews #jodie turner smith #dawson's creek

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princessfbi · 3 years

Note

I know I already asked for Maddie, but after that take on eddie, I really wanna know about your vision on Shannon!

Well, honestly I'd love to read your take on every single character, but.... we'll get there 😂

OK this is so late and I'm so sorry. Our dearly departed: Shannon Diaz

How I feel about this character

I...

Ok, here's the thing. I don't like Shannon. But my dislike for Shannon doesn't negate just how important she is either.

Because I really, really LIKE my dislike for Shannon and here's why.

The really cool thing about Shannon is that she's one of the few morally grey female characters that we've seen in mainstream media. Often times with female characters (particularly the side characters) you find yourself looking at ranges of two types: The Angel or the Shrew. Both end up as a result of kind of lazy writing in my opinion and make characters into cardboard cut outs. It's an inherent form of sexist objectification to characters that aren't really supposed to be that important and are more plot points than they are characters.

And unfortunately, this is more apparent with female characters. Look at Ana for example. She borders onto The Angel end of the spectrum. The reason I personally don't see any chemistry with Eddie and Ana is because Ana is being (perhaps intentionally) put up on this pedestal as this Angel archetype. She's the dotting girlfriend who fits perfectly and causes no waves in the relationship. It's so jarring because, for the most part, 911 does a pretty good job about not falling too far onto this spectrum. Even Ali had a nice balance and I think even Tatiana, though closer to shrew, was written in a way that we at least understood her motives. This happens with male characters as well ie the dumb hot guy that always ends up being the butt of a joke.

But Shannon is grey. Shannon is complex. She made some bad, selfish decisions but that doesn't make her a bad person. It doesn't make her evil! It makes her deeply human. We see her pain. We see her struggling with guilt and being overwhelmed with what it means to be a wife, a mother, and a daughter all at once. Shannon was being pulled into a million different places and her biggest issue with Eddie was that she didn't feel like she was being heard.

There's something I think a lot of us could really get behind because at some point in our lives we also have felt like we haven't been heard.

Do I agree with her choices? Absolutely not. Do I think it was kind of childish to run away and stay away? Yes. Do I think she's an evil person? Not at all.

I like not liking Shannon because she's a well rounded character with flaws and strengths. She loved her family but she didn't feel loved in return.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

No one... cus she's dead. RIP.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

She be dead.

My unpopular opinion about this character

I don't actually think she and Eddie would've co-parented well had she survived. This goes back to what I said on my Eddie character analysis. Shannon desperately wanted a partner in Eddie (rightfully so) but I don't think she realized that she wasn't all that willing to be a partner to Eddie in return. I think in a lot of ways, Shannon is similar to Eddie's parents. She didn't listen to what Eddie was trying to say. She kept pushing him when he needed space (showing up to his work to discuss just because she knew it would put him in a tight spot). She's been pushing him for a while (as seen in Eddie Begins) and when he would finally push back, she would shut him down. She would lash out when Eddie would finally snap.

But I think the reason we have a hard time seeing those similarities is because unlike Eddie's parents, we see Eddie accept this lack of support from Shannon. Again not to bring back the Perks of Being a Wallflower quote but it's a good one: We accept the love we think we deserve.

Shannon didn't feel like she was being heard. She didn't feel like Eddie had her back (even though I think it's because he didn't make these big grand gestures to prove countless times that he did.)

But I don't think Eddie felt like he deserved to be heard either.

Shannon's needs were not being met and it was tearing her down but I don't think she was willing to meet Eddie's needs either. I think she got used to the fact that Eddie would often swallowed what he would need and move on. His inability to process his trauma but rather sweep it under the rug both frustrated Shannon but also gave her an excuse to lash out that I don't think she realized she was taking advantage of. Eddie could "suck it up" and I think part of Shannon's resentment was that she wasn't able to do that like he could. So, rather than saying, "hey let's talk about this" it became a point of contention between them.

I think the thing that Eddie and Shannon loved about each other the most was how much they loved their child. But they would've needed to do some serious work on how they respected one another to be able to be coparents because their relationship should not/could not survive simply on the shoulders of Christopher.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

I think I wish we had gotten to see her acknowledge that Eddie was not completely at fault for the breakdown of their relationship. We got to see her realize that she needed to focus on bettering herself for the sake of her own sanity and to strengthen her ability to be a mother again but... Eddie feels so deeply at fault for the way things went. Shannon was so broken down by the end of Eddie Begins but I think Eddie is still sort of cracking. I think the way Shannon treated him (and the way his parents treated him) makes it hard for Eddie to feel like he deserves better. Had they had Shannon acknowledging her part in breaking Eddie down then I think I could've gotten behind the idea that they would've been good coparents but alas... we did not get to see that.

Give Me A Character and I’ll Break Them Down

#Eddie Diaz #Shannon Diaz #911 on fox #character analysis #Writing Talk #ask #imaginebuck #answered #this took me forever to get to I'm so sorry

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potterbite · 3 years

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falling slowly

five times people found out about eddie changing his will, seeing right through him, and the one time they both admitted what it meant. on ao3

Sometimes, Eddie’s confused when he’s called rude— or on one memorable occasion; a motherfucking shitface —because most of the time he only wants to make other people happy. Sure, that’s not always healthy either, but rude? No. So whenever it happens, it puzzles him a great deal, never quite understanding exactly what was done or said wrong.

On this occasion though, he has no problems seeing how he’s at fault.

“Are you being an ass on purpose or is it for my benefit alone?” Ana spits, and he can’t really blame her for looking as if she wants to punch him in the face.

The thing is, he’s been meaning to end things with her for ages— since before the shooting six weeks ago —but he can never find the right moment. Or, rather, timing is right but the words get stuck in his throat, fire burning through all of them until nothing but ashes and a fresh smile remains.

The irritation he feels for himself bleeds through onto her, staining their conversations, all of them becoming stiff, sometimes as if two strangers talked. And he wants to get out of there, and he wants to stay with her forever just to bask in the easiness of it all, and he wants to kiss her to not have to say anything at all, and he wants her to end it so he doesn’t have to.

So when she took a stray potato from his plate and said, chewing, that maybe she should spend more time with Christopher in case Eddie ever had to work late, because that way she could help, and wouldn’t it be useful if the boy knew her better— well Eddie just lost his head completely.

“Why? Carla or Buck can do that.” He heard the tone of his own voice, the acid not quite coming through, and he had wished it did. The coward in him had made him frown down at the empty plate to avoid meeting her eyes, instead looking at the remaining sauce for the two pieces of potato he’d saved for just that. Ana had taken them without asking. It wasn’t a big deal, and he didn’t mind sharing his food, and he was full anyway— but damn it, he had wanted those last potatoes for himself.

She laughed at his words, soft and easily. “Is Buck honestly the best option? He seems reckless.”

And at this, something had flashed before Eddie’s eyes, red and dangerous, and the words tasted like bile even before they left his lips. “Buck is Christopher’s legal guardian if something ever happens to me.”

This sentence acted as some kind of catalyst for their first— and only —fight, vicious words thrown back and forth in a battle neither seemed to win, but both wanted to end.

So no, Eddie couldn’t blame Ana for calling him an ass. It’s also the very thing that casts him back into the correct plane of reality, a place where he prides himself in being a decent human being, someone his son can look up to.

He forces himself to meet her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Her mouth opens and closes a few times. “W-what?”

“I said I’m sorry. For what I said and for not telling you.”

“I’m sorry too.” Her shoulders sag, and just like that this is the end between them and he knows he’s a coward for letting it be. “And for what it’s worth, you really should tell him.”

Abruptly, as if they’ve mutually agreed upon it, they go to the hallway where he reaches for the jacket he hung there an hour earlier. “I never wanted it to end this way.” This is the truth.

“Me neither.” He can’t tell if she means it or not.

“And I have told him,” he continues as he opens the front door, feeling the breeze from the warm night on his face. He’s about to let go of the handle when Ana’s hand closes over his.

“That’s not what I meant.”

She closes the door before he has the time to think of something to say— but honestly there’s nothing more to add.

***

Eddie doesn’t tell anyone about the break-up. Not immediately anyway. It’s not that he regrets it, or feels sad about it; he’s not even all that remorseful about the way it went down.

But almost a week later, it comes up when he and Chimney are alone in the kitchen, the others dozing by the tv.

“Hey, Maddie is feeling better so I thought that maybe you and Ana want to come over this weekend? You can bring Chris.“

“Ah.” He scratches himself by the ear to buy some time, which is probably what tips Chim off.

“Wait, are you not - ?”

Eddie flicks his eyes around the loft, but no one is close enough to overhear them anyway. “Nah, we broke up last week.”

“I’m sorry man.” Chim puts a gentle hand on his left shoulder and gives him a smile. “Are you okay?”

Eddie nods, because he is. “Yeah. It hasn’t been all that good since before the shooting to tell you the truth, and then we had a major fight after I told her that Buck will be the legal guardian of Chris if anything should happen to me.”

Almost a full minute goes by where Chim just stares open-mouthed at him, and Eddie doesn’t know what to do or say so he stays still, afraid of the gleeful surprise on Chim’s face.

Finally, Chim blinks a couple of times. “Can I be there when you tell Hen?”

“Why?” Eddie frowns deep, not at all what he expected Chim to say.

“Trust me. She can say what I can’t.”

“I don’t understand.”

At this, Chim gets a sympathetic smile on his face. “Oh, I know you don’t.”

And he goes to join the others.

***

To his credit, Chim doesn’t appear to tell Hen what he and Eddie discussed. Unfortunately for Eddie, this means that he doesn’t get a chance to understand what Chim meant. Well, technically, he could just tell Hen and find out for himself, but he did keep this quiet for more than a year— and it was never an active choice, he just didn’t feel as if someone else needed to know, not even Buck at first (which, looking back, might’ve been an oversight on his part)— so speaking up about it now, without being prompted, seems strange, the words falling flat on his tongue.

However, not even three days after telling Chimney, the moment presents itself in the form of Buck.

Eddie, Hen and Chim are eating, their shift about to start, when Buck practically throws his entire body towards an available chair, slamming his ankle into one of the table legs, followed by some loud cursing.

As Eddie practically hears the collective eye roll from Chim and Hen, he chuckles. “You know, some of those words are illegal.”

“Ha ha,” Buck groans in response. “Don’t worry, when I have to raise Chris by myself, I’ll make sure he knows them all. I take my guardianship very seriously.”

There’s a thump, and Eddie looks at Hen; the fork is dangling in the breeze of her open mouth, the food that was obviously just on it lying in the middle of her almost empty plate.

“Say what now?” One of her eyebrows is dangerously high up on her forehead.

Buck looks comically from her, to Eddie, to Chim, and back again. “Um, yeah,” is all he replies.

Sadly, this means Hen turns to Eddie instead, and he really wishes it weren’t so but he can feel himself shrink under her gaze. “Are you telling me you made Buck the legal guardian of your kid if something happened to you?”

“No, Buck told you that,” he jokes, but not a muscle in her face reacts. “Yes, that’s what’ll happen if I die.”

She looks thoughtful— scarily so —as her eyes flits between him and Buck; Eddie can almost feel Chim vibrating in the chair next to his own.

“I should’ve caught on sooner,” she says eventually.

“What?” Eddie’s dry mouth asks even though he doesn’t want to hear the answer. Buck, apparently, is more interested in eating than this conversation and starts picking stuff from Eddie’s plate. Somehow, Eddie doesn’t care.

Hen smirks, and points a finger between him and Buck, and Eddie can feel his eyes bulging, feel the strange beating of his heart in his own ears, the sweat starting on his palms, and Hen’s smirk turns into an actual smile.

She doesn’t elaborate, and when Buck looks up from the platter less than a minute later he seems oblivious to the exchange that has happened.

As the bell goes off and they head toward the truck, Eddie dries his hands on his thighs and drowns out what’s going on inside his head; he’s too scared of all those things he already knows to be true, almost spoken out loud in words he does not yet have.

***

By the time they get back to the station, Eddie has already figured out he needs to tell Bobby about this; it’s only a matter of time until someone slips up and Eddie really wants to be the one to tell his captain this. Not that he thinks it’s a big deal, but he’d feel weird about it if Bobby heard it from the probie.

He knocks twice on the doorframe to Bobby’s office. Both of them have taken a shower and had something to eat, enjoying the blissful quiet between calls.

Bobby looks up at Eddie over the brim of paper he’s holding. “Eddie! What can I do for you?”

Eddie, not knowing what to do with his hands, puts them in the pocket of his pants and takes a few steps into the room, making sure the door is closed. “I - uh, I wanted to talk to you about my will,” he starts.

Bobby nods, opening a cabinet next to the desk to look through some folders. “Have you changed it again since last year?”

Eddie just gapes. “What?”

“I have the copy in here somewhere,” Bobby mutters to himself. “Aha! There it is.” He presents the paper to Eddie, who accepts it. Sure enough, there’s a copy of the will he wrote after the last accident.

“I didn’t know you had this.”

“Your attorney sent it to me. He figured since you gave me the old one, you’d want me to have the new one as well.”

Eddie nods.

“What did you want to tell me about the will?” Bobby looks so concerned that Eddie can’t help the huff of laughter that escapes him.

“Nothing. I wanted you to know about Buck, that's all.”

“Ah.” Those soul gazing eyes locks onto Eddie and he squirms. “I already know.”

Lost for anything to say to this, Eddie sinks down to the closest chair and they sit together in silence until he no longer feels as if those carefully constructed walls he built to contain all he has inside for Buck is crumbling down around him. Soon he’ll be standing in the ruins of a former fortress and the only one left to tell is Buck. Eddie’s just not sure he has the courage.

***

Chris was the first one Eddie told, before he even signed the papers or anything. It just didn’t sit right with him to take this decision away from the boy. For weeks and weeks Eddie thought about the best way to bring it up, trying to come up with replies for all plausible scenarios.

It was a Wednesday when he finally took the plunge.

“Hey buddy, can I ask you something?”

Chris had nodded happily. “What Dad?”

“If I didn’t come home one day, if something bad happened to me, how do you feel about Buck taking care of you?”

Chris didn’t even think about it. Instead, he frowned deeply. “If you’re not here, why wouldn’t I live with Buck? He always takes care of us.”

Eddie had almost laughed with relief, not having foreseen this easiness at all. He ruffled Chris' hair and said, “No, you’re right. I agree.”

They didn’t talk about it again.

***

It’s been almost three weeks since his break-up with Ana, and he still hasn’t told Buck. By now, he’s probably the only one that hasn’t figured it out, but Eddie doesn’t mind. In fact, he steers clear of relationship talk when they hang out; he doesn’t want to hear about how fantastic Taylor is, or what new adventures they’ve been up to.

Strangely, it’s Bobby of all people that tells Buck. Or maybe Bobby tells Eddie, he’s not really sure.

They find Bobby cooking when they start a long shift, all of them gliding towards the whiff of glorious food.

“What’s the occasion?” Buck asks as he steals a green bean.

“Nothing really. Just a happy meal with family.” Bobby stirs the giant pot and adds some spices. “With all the break-ups happening around here, I’m almost worried it’s contagious so I figured we needed an easy dinner together.”

Eddie stiffens, but curiously enough so does Buck, shoulders rigid and face neutral. Instead, it’s Chim that speaks next. “What do you mean? Who else has broken up?”

“Well, Pannikar and his boyfriend, Eddie and Ana, and now Buck and Taylor,” Bobby says, gesturing towards each of them in turn. Everyone nods, as if nothing he said is brand new information.

“You and Ana broke up?” The words are almost as quiet as a whisper, meant for Eddie alone while the rest set the table.

Eddie nods. “You broke up with Taylor?”

“Yeah. Or we both did, I’m not sure.” He gets a deep frown between his eyebrows and the tips of Eddie’s fingers itch to smooth it out. He doesn’t. “We’re still friends though.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Buck tilts his head a little bit to the right, gazing at Eddie as if he’s a riddle to solve.

Eddie shrugs. Of course, he knows very well why he didn’t say something to Buck but he can’t tell his best friend that— or can he?

Acting on pure impulse, he takes hold of Buck’s hand and drags him away from the kitchen, down the stairs and into their bunk room. He closes the door behind them, leaning on it, and turns to look at the other man; Buck is standing just out of arm's reach. In Eddie’s stomach someone is dancing the conga in circles, begging him to get the hell out of there before he says too much and ruins it all. He ignores this, swallowing hard.

“Here’s the thing. I’ve been waiting for the right words to come to me, to figure out how to tell you what is apparently very obvious to everyone else. I mean, if I just mention how I changed my will, they all get this look in their eyes, and I know they know. And I don’t understand how you still don’t when I feel as if it’s written on my face.”

Buck is silent, and Eddie can’t even be sure his ramble made any sense whatsoever. He rests the back of his head against the door, waiting for Buck to say something, anything. The urge to get out of there is overwhelming, but the sound of Buck’s breathing is as well— harsh and quick breaths, shallow and full of emotions Eddie can’t place.

“I broke up with Taylor because I think I’m more into you than her,” Buck blurts suddenly, his eyes widening as if he never meant to say any of it.

An urge to laugh bubbles up inside him, but he presses it down. “Buck.” The other man’s eyes snap to his. “I made you the sole guardian of my kid if I die.”

Eddie can’t tell who moves first— maybe they drift at the same time, two planets on a collision course — but somehow they meet in the middle, lips crashing together until it feels as if they’re fused together as one. He nibbles gently at Buck’s bottom lip, a gesture that makes Buck practically purr in response; Eddie can feel the vibration of it underneath his fingers, lying in a soft grip around Buck’s throat.

In retaliation— reward? —Buck shuffles them back until Eddie hits the wall with a soft thump, and the quiet groan that escapes him is out of his control honestly. He can’t believe he ever thought that what he had with Ana was enough, not when this has been here the whole time, just waiting beneath the surface for someone to make the first move.

When the alarm goes off, they don’t separate immediately; instead they sigh apart, Buck letting his forehead fall until it meets Eddie’s.

“We really should talk about this,” Buck says, and he’s so close that his breath sends shivers across Eddie’s body.

“Mhm,” Eddie agrees, opening his eyes to meet Buck’s. “But there will be plenty of time for that later.”

(When they get to the truck, Hen smirks at the pair of them when they get in. Eddie pointedly ignores her, but when his gaze lands on Buck he has to bite the inside of his cheek so as not to smile wide enough to crack his head in two.)

(They get around to talking. Later.)

#buddie #buddie fic #911 #my writing #i am weak for some good old 5+1 fics #911 on fox

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vermemesol · 3 years

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Royalty! AU | Bang Chan

I recently dreamt about Chan so here’s a attempt at writing my favourite AU.

I haven’t written anything since a year ago so bear with me please.

I try to make my writings as gender neutral as possible!

Pairing : Bang Chan x Reader

Genre : Fluff, a little bit of angst (?)

“Your highness, it’s almost noon! Eligible princes have been waiting for hours!” Your maid begged for you to get out of bed for the thousandth time this morning.

“They’re still waiting?” You muffled from under the sheets that were soon pulled off of you. Instantly you were blinded by the immense amount of sunlight beaming through the larger than needed windows. Your gaze shifts to the clock on your bedside table, “You lied. It’s only ten. That’s barely almost noon.” You yawned as you stretched the upper half of your body.

“If I hadn’t lied, you would have never gotten up, would you?” Your maid grinned cheekily as she helped you get out of bed.

The usual morning routine begins. Washing up, getting dressed, not having breakfast because you’re late AGAIN.

You’re wheeled through the doors of the room that the gentlemen are in, or at least, supposed to be in. The room is without any human presence. Technically, it was still early. Then again, does anyone really want a wheelchair bound as their partner? Whether it was too early for any prince to actually be here or no one was supposed to come in the first place, you didn’t really feel upset that it came to be like this anyway.

“Did anyone really say they were coming in the first place?” You sighed as you wheeled yourself into the room.

“Well-“ before your maid could finish her sentence, the door that was already closed had flung open again.

“G-good morning, your highness!” The young man that barged through the doors greeted whilst trying to catch his breath. His blonde hair disheveled, probably because he ran here. His white dress shirt that was not fully buttoned up partially soaked with sweat. A wide grin accompanied by dimples plastered onto his face as he scanned the room to find you. This boy was a complete stranger to you. You’ve never seen anyone as indescribable as him.

“Good morning...?” You responded.

“Chan. Christopher Bang Chan.” He added.

You looked at your maid and she looked back at you. Both of you evidently confused. You assumed that she would know who this is but she shook her head. You didn’t know who he was either.

The maid had escorted the young man to a different room for him to freshen up before returning again shortly. He sat down in the seat opposite you. Separated by a small table, you started eyeing him up and down. He, however, started drinking the tea that was in front of him while trying to avoid your gaze. Shy? You assumed. He’s actually quite the looker now that you’re seeing him up close. And his actions make him seem really... cute? Very different from all the people that you’ve met.

“How about a stroll in the garden?” You suggested, taking a sip of your tea.

The two of you ended up strolling in the garden, on a bright, sunny morning. He’s pushing your wheelchair and your maid is holding the parasol. It's so hot that you kind of regret your decision but you can't just go back on what you suggested now, can you?

The two of you end up sitting at yet another table, just that this time, it's outside. And without your maid because you shooed her off.

"Not to be rude but I've honestly never heard of you." You suddenly stated.

"It's okay. So long as I know who you are." Of course he did. Almost everyone knew your story if not you. The royal family encountered a tragic event that caused the only child to be left without parents nor the ability to walk at the age of twenty.

Although you couldn't exactly pinpoint who Chan was. He did make you feel as if you probably do have memories of this person. Maybe you also experienced amnesia after the accident? The doctor never mentioned that though.

As much as you hate to admit it, Chan really looked ethereal. And despite not speaking much, you could already tell that he's a good person. Others would probably be here to take your hand for their own benefits but he didn't seem that way. What kind of person would run here to see you without caring about how they looked upon arrival, without bringing a carriage full of gifts to appeal to you.

"What are you here for though?" you asked, genuinely curious. You didn't look at him in the eye when you asked.

He didn't immediately answer. Probably thinking about what he's supposed to say. "I'm here to take your hand in marriage of course." he finally says confidently, making you look at him eye to eye. He was not joking, not even the slightest hint of dishonesty. He's really here to make you his.

"But why?" you question again. Maybe he's poor? Needs the benefits? But he really didn't seem like he wanted anything. The longer you stared into his eyes, the more you realised that he wanted you and nothing else.

"I want to take care of you, your highness." he answered yet again. His smile could really kill you at this point.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. The two of you got to know each other more and eventually he proposed. It wasn't unexpected but you were still questioning why.

"Is it a burden that I'm unable to walk?"

"No." Chan answered as he pushed you along the halls of the palace towards your room.

"Why me?" you asked, being lifted off of your chair and into bed.

Chan sat down beside you, looking into your eyes, carresing your cheek. "I saw you at a ball a long time ago, with your parents. Didn't get to talk to you but I talked to your parents. I didn't make any promises or anything. After hearing about the accident, I just felt like maybe I should make a visit. And here we are." he finished, gently kissing your temple.

It's no wonder you don't remember him. You hated those balls. A lot of times you either went home early or stayed far away from the ballroom. He saw you but you probably only had a glimpse of him.

"So you ended up coming here genuinely just wanting to take care of a poor kid?" you joked.

"Of course not! I genuinely wanted to get to know you better! That hurts that you think of me like that." he clutched his chest as if his heart hurt.

You pull him in for a hug and eventually the both of you end up drifting towards slumber land.

- END -

A/N : Wow I really suck at writing.

07.05.2021 GMT +8 1409

Masterlist

#Stray kids #Skz #Chan #Royalty au #Scenario #Fic #fiction #Bang chan #Ye m8

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thechangeling · 4 years

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Autistic Trauma and Rage: Why I am furious with Kit Herondale.

Ok strap yourselves in for this one because Fae is about to tell you a story. A few stories actually. But they all connect to one another. So basically, first thing you need to understand is that autistic people do not grow up the same way allistic people do, regardless if there is a diagnosis or not.

And I don't just mean the obvious stuff. I mean the way we are socialized and how we grow to view relationships and human nature as a whole. From a very young age we struggle. Things don't come easily to us and the burden always falls on us to make the change. Shape up and do better. It's always our fault. We tend to always be naturally gullible because we aren't built with that "spidey sense" allistic people have to suss our whether someone is trustworthy or not.

People knew this about me and took advantage of me. Girls used to come up to me and pretend to be nice to me, ask me questions about my day and what I was doing only to laugh in my face when I started to tell them things like it was some kind of game. People would ask me about my special interests and then laugh behind my back when I started enthusiasticly explaining them. I learned that this meant nothing I had to say was valuable or wanted. I learned that my existence was a joke and my thoughts and feelings were as irrelevant as I was.

This is one of the reasons that scene where Livvy talks about what happened with Paige absolutely broke me. Because it's a common story among our people. But no one really seems to look beneath the surface, and recognize what it actually means.

Because think about it. Think about that lesson being taught to a child. Think of the impact it will have on their psyche and how they form bonds, or let's be honest don't form bonds in the future. There were times when to buy friendship or attention I would have to give away things. I learned early on that I could buy friendship and love with things like snacks and brand new toys that I gave away to my classmates. This worked for awhile until certain girls got sick of me and tried to pawn me off on someone else. That happened a lot. I was taught that no one really cared about me, even the people who I thought did. I couldn't trust myself to know.

This was further cemented when I was about 8, and I thought I had a genuine friend. My family hated her and practically begged me to get rid of her. And yes she was manipulative, cruel and borderline abusive as were a number of my friends. But don't you see? At least she loves me?

And that kind of thinking is pretty common among autistic people. We end up with pure garbage, friendship and relationship wise because at least it's something.

I thought that she did care until she conned her way into my house only to steal from us. That was the day I finally realized something. I was never going to be able to trust anyone. Even if it seemed like their love and friendship was genuine, let's face it I was probably wrong. So I stopped trusting people all together and I still don't till this day.

So what does my childhood trauma have to do with Kit and Ty? Well let's face it.

Everything.

Because here's the thing, even if Kit isn't naturally like the people I've been mentioning above, he has already displayed some tell tale signs that Ty can't trust him. And yes of course I know that Kit loves him, but from an autistic perspective he is really doing a piss poor job of showing it.

I actually spoke about this in my second Kitty review video, so check that out if you want. But from Ty's perspective Kit essentially conned him by pretending to go along with the spell when he never had any attention of doing so. He swore that they would never be parted and then Kit takes off with zero explanation to Ty. And on top of all of that he says "I wish I had never known you."

Think of how that looks. Especially to an autistic person. My heart absolutely breaks for Ty right now because I know what he must be thinking and feeling right now. "It was never real. It was just a game or a trick. He never really cared and I was so stupid for letting him in. It was all my fault."

Even worse, I think that this could trigger those old feelings Paige put there all those years ago. Feeling like nothing he says or does really matters because no one cares. He wasn't enough to make Kit stay and he isnt enough for anyone.

Ty just isnt enough.

And knowing all of this, especially given my past experiences, at this point in time I only have one thing left to say. This will probably change in the future, but for now?

Fuck you Christopher Herondale.

Edit: Full disclosure. I am not trying to say Kit isn't dealing with a lot, or that I hate Kit. I adore Kit and I probably always will. I'm just really angry with him right now and no one is above criticism. Also first and foremost this isn't really about him. It's about Ty and all of us in the autistic community. Keep that in mind.

#the dark artifices #tda #kit x ty #autistic life #autistic feels #being autistic #tiberius blackthorn #kit herondale #Kaitlin rants

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leelysian · 3 years

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Chan as your older brother AU 💖✨

word count: 1.4k

genre: fluffiest of all fluffs, you’ll rot your teeth, bullet point fic

warnings: swearing

Disclaimer: I do not personally know Chan. This work is purely fiction and my own idea. I took inspiration from his on screen persona. Please do not translate or re-upload my work.

☆ Let’s start with you two as babies.

☆ Chan probably LOVED the idea of having a younger sibling he probably crawled to his mum with her baby bump and he'd softly talk to you "please come out quickly baby 🥺"

☆ Then he’d get impatient and ask “is it time yet?” Then he’d start whining and pouting “How much looonger? Baby is so sloooow”

☆ “is it gonna be a boy or a girl?” he wasn’t particular about the gender as long as he gets a playmate

☆ Probably helped your parents pick your name even

☆ He was just THAT much invested in helping mummy raise the baby and in return he gets to play kill me I might just start crying just by THINKING about it asdfghjkl

☆ When he heard the baby is here, the Flash had nothing on Bang Christopher Chan as he literally ZOOMED through the corridors of the hospital to where his mum was staying to jump up on the bed.

☆ There’s at least 10 different photos of Chan holding you on the hospital bed as soon as you were born. #cutie

☆ When your mum was discharged and everyone came home, he would cuddle you and just WOULD NOT LET GO

☆ And he'd sing lullabies to you

☆ He would speak in ᵗᶦⁿʸ and just talk ˢᵒᶠᵗˡʸ around you so he wouldn’t frighten you

☆ No jealousy whatsoever........ okay maybe just a liiiiiitle bit

☆ He’d feel a little jealous when he realised he didn’t get as much affection as he used to when he was the only child

☆ But that quickly changes when he receives attention from one of his parents preferably his mum Channie is a mamma’s boy I don’t make the rules

☆ When you were a newborn, your parents would have you sleep with them in their room. Chan would scamper out of his room in the middle of the night to sleep with the three of you because he was a wee bit jealous you got to sleep with mum and dad.

☆ It became a routine very quickly after that

☆ But your parents wouldn’t let him sleep next to baby because what if he accidentally hits you in his sleep. What a struggle. So he’d sleep on the edge of the bed cuddled in his mum’s arms. don’t touch me I’m soft

☆ Your mum would dress you two in matching outfits and take dozens of photos. “EW MUM WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!” you two looked the absolute cutest so it doesn’t matter

☆ Slowly when you two grew up and you started crawling, you’d follow him everywhere because he was so intriguing to baby you

☆ He started finding you annoying “STUPID BABY”

☆ But he’d still cry if something happened to you

☆ Slowly he started liking you back again

☆ He liked the idea of someone looking up to him and from then on he was your little protector.

☆ He was your guardian angel, he was your hero. He’d do anything to protect you. Scratch that, he still is. He always will be.

☆ Now you guys are older as tweens/teens/young adults whichever you prefer

☆ Eats your share of food- looking into the little nook in the fridge to take out your hidden stash of candy but your favourite one is gone.

☆ You confront him about it and he looks guilty. You're extremely annoyed but at the same time you can't stay mad for too long.

☆ He makes it up to you by buying you two of your favourite candies or treats you to something else.

☆ "Why steal my food in the first place if you're gonna treat me anyway?" He'd shrug "for some reason it tastes better" so you smack him upside his head and then it escalates into a mini wrestling match

☆ He's a very active guy who’s into a lot of sports but when you ask him to teach you he's very whiny "noooooo later" but then when you're chilling he'll show up "come on let's go swimming" and you're like "noooooo" he'd be like "I thought you wanted to go? Come on" and drag you along even though you don't want to and it’s like “why didn’t you do this WHEN I TOLD YOU?”

☆ But he makes it fun for you in the end and afterwards he treats you to ice cream.

☆ Eats a lot. If your mum gives you both a bowl of food. He'll inhale it like he's never eaten before in like 5 minutes and you're confused like how did he finish it all and it was piping hot meanwhile you haven't even finished 1/3rd of your bowl

☆ so he's done and he's staring at your bowl with greedy eyes "you gonna finish all of that?" *switches to puppy eyes* you're like "yeah" so you continue eating until you finish half then just hand the rest over to him and it's all gone in a minute.

☆ Your mum has no idea he eats half of your food when she gives you equal amounts and you'll never tell her because she'll scold you for never finishing her food so Chan is like your personal eco garbage disposal because he eats everything

☆ It’s like a dirty secret between you two what she doesn’t know won’t kill her

☆ He'll be your emotional support human he'll be the first person you always go to when you need a pick me up.

☆ And it's a guarantee he'll always make you feel better whether it's through his words or his actions because both feel like a huge, cozy and warm hug

☆ If someone bullies you, your normally sweet and gentle older brother will go on a rampage "WHO THE FUCK HURT MY BABY BROTHER/SISTER?! I'M GONNA KILL EM"

☆ He’s the Golden child of your parents because he's good at everything but it never matters to you because Chan never makes you feel lesser than you seem to think of yourself. He's always supporting you and uplifting you

☆ Tries to help you with your homework and in turn learns a few things himself.

☆ He's a big help with poetry, literature or creative writing homeworks (wbk)

☆ You two are really close and you always talk about random stuff he's not just your older brother he's also your best friend

☆ Even your friends ask about him and want to be his friend too because he's so cool, some of them have crushes on him and you’re like “ew what’s there to like?” *fake gags*

☆ He's always nice to everyone he sees. Elderly people love him too because he's such a gentleman.

☆ He's very proud to have you as his sibling he'll proudly show you off to his friends. “THIS IS MY LITTLE BROTHER/SISTER :D”

☆ If he's having fun with his friends but if something is wrong with you he will drop everything and race to you as quick as humanly possible to make sure you're okay because he's not okay if you're not okay. this is science ok

☆ Sometimes you two bicker a lot but it's sibling banter where you end up laughing

☆ Shows you funny memes or jokes he finds on the internet be like "that's you" or "this is so me lmao"

☆ Tags you in siblings memes be like "us"

☆ If your parents are angry at you for something he'll try to defend you if he feels it's not your fault

☆ But if something IS your fault he'd try to calm his parents down and then tell you about how wrong you are to do something in private so your parents don't put you down even more

☆ You always go to him for advice first. Not your parents, him. His input, opinions and approval mean the most to you. Because he’s the coolest.

☆ You two goof around a lot. Carpool karaokes on the daily.

☆ You two would sing/rap together to songs and have a blast

☆ You feel insecure about your voice but Chan makes you feel like a popstar

☆ You two would post anonymous YouTube covers together when you slowly grew confident with singing. Just a side thing for funsies

☆ He’s your rock sometimes you feel like he does too much for you and you can't do anything for him in return

☆ But little do you know Chan is the strongest because of you by his side always cheering him on. Your very existence gives him strength for everything

☆ You two have each other's backs through thick and thin

☆ Because of Chan as your older brother you're a better version of yourself everyday

85 notes · View notes

sugarandspace · 3 years

Text

Don't Fall in Love There's Just Too Much to Lose (Buddie)

Summary: Eddie's rescue, the aftermath, and a hell of a lot of feelings.

Warnings: near-death experience

A/N: I started this fic in March. It was supposed to be just a short 2k thing but then it kept growing and growing and Buck just wouldn't stop thinking. Then uni got in the way of writing, then work and my million other WIPs. Special shoutout to my friends Spark and Emryn who have patiently listened to me talk about this fic and who have always been so encouraging! Not sure if I would have ever actually finished this fic without you two 💙

Title from Terrible Things by Mayday Parade!

AO3

They are standing around the map just like they were a few hours earlier, trying to find clues of potential tunnels underground. It’s so much like earlier, but at the same time it’s not, because there’s one person missing from around the table and Buck feels that empty space like it’s a physical ache, a feeling he hasn’t been able to shake since he felt the weight leave the rope earlier when Eddie cut it and let himself fall.

“How about there?” Buck asks and points at a part on the map. He ignores the way his voice comes out hoarse but he can’t ignore the bloody mark that stains the white paper. He’s about to pull his hand back but Hen is quicker, taking his hand to hers.

“When did you get hurt?” She asks but he pulls his hand back.

“I’m fine,” he says and turns back towards the table and the people who had stopped talking and had turned their attention to him, “We have more important things to worry about.”

“Buckaroo,” Hen tries, her voice annoyingly gentle. Buck’s heard her use that tone with patients on the field and he hates that Hen thinks he’s fragile enough to need that tone.

“I said I’m fine!” Buck repeats. He hates to raise his voice at Hen but he needs her to remember that it’s not him they need to worry about. Everyone’s attention should be on Eddie and how to get him safely back because Buck refuses to think about anything else being a possibility.

“Fine,” Hen agrees. “But as soon as we have a plan you’re following me to the bathroom where I’m going to clean and wrap your hands.”

Buck gives her a tense nod, knowing that he can’t escape it and needing the conversation to end as soon as possible so that they can go back to planning.

They do, and they talk about thermal cameras and searching the surrounding area in hopes of finding another well. Buck’s hands curl into fists and he focuses on the feeling of grains of sand stinging in the broken skin of his fingertips, clinging to the moment of clarity it gives to his mind. The moment he lets them wander his thoughts go to what-ifs and Christopher and the pressure of tons of wet sand and the damage it can do to a fragile human body and he can’t afford that now.

He focuses on his turnout gear, his coat wet and heavy, trying to weigh his shoulders down. He squares his shoulders and ignores the way his shirt clings to his back from where the water has dripped down past the collar of his coat. He’s a professional and they have work to do.

-.-.-

When the rest of the team disperses to get everything ready, Hen makes sure of her promise and drags Buck to the downstairs bathroom. It looks clean and Buck feels sorry for being there, his clothes no doubt leaving mud all over the white tile. Hen doesn’t seem to have any problem with that, and she puts the small medkit she was carrying on the counter next to the sink.

“Now let me see those hands,” she says as she pulls a pair of gloves on.

Buck knows it’s useless to argue, so he puts his hands in front of himself, palms up so Hen can see the extent of the damage. There’s sand under his nails, one of his already short nails has broken, and the skin of his fingertips is rubbed raw. Back when he was frantically trying to dig Eddie from the ground with his bare hands, he hadn’t paid attention to how hard he was pressing against the rough ground and how the small rocks had broken the skin of his ungloved hands. The pain hadn’t even registered then, his mind too occupied with panic.

“Okay,” Hen says and guides the hands under the faucet, using warm water to wash the sand away. “The cuts don’t look deep, so I’m going to clean them and wrap them so we can go back to helping Eddie.”

“I can do it myself,” Buck says. He knows that there’s little they can do until the thermal cameras are ready, but he hates to hold Hen here when she would be more needed out there.

Hen makes a noncommittal noise and continues washing Buck’s hands, and Buck doesn’t fight her.

“How are you feeling?” Hen asks, and really, Buck should have expected this.

“I’m fine,” he says, a familiar line to leave his lips. “I can barely feel them.”

“I didn’t mean your hands, Buck,” Hen says kindly. “I know how much he means to you.”

No, you don’t, Buck wants to say. No one knows, and while he used to be happy about being able to keep it a secret, the thought that Eddie might never get to know it now kills him. While a big part of Buck’s mind has always been convinced that it could never happen, that telling Eddie would just mean making their friendship weird, there’s also always been this tiny part of his heart that is optimistic, that thinks that his feelings could be reciprocated. Maybe, just maybe the small things that hint towards it haven’t just been Buck seeing things where there’s nonthing to be seen. Maybe they’ve been more.

Now he fears that in his attempt to guard that part of his heart, he might have missed out on something wonderful.

He bites the inside of his cheek so as not to fall apart. The situation doesn’t allow him to be anything but fine.

“He’s my best friend,” Buck says, wincing a little as Hen dries his hands and the paper towel brushes against the small wounds. “He’s my partner and it’s my job to have his back when we’re on the field.”

It’s quiet for a while, save for the small hiss Buck lets out when Hen disinfects the wounds.

“Eddie cut that rope himself,” Hen reminds him as she starts wrapping his hands. She places small gauze swabs against his fingertips and secures them to place with a roll of gauze. Buck is aware that his fingers start to resemble that of a mummy’s, but when the thought would usually have led to jokes, it doesn’t even bring a smile to his lips now. “He did it to be able to save that small boy. Because that’s what he’s like. You know what else he’s like? He’s tough, and I know he’ll do his best to get back.”

Buck doesn’t trust his voice, so he nods. Hen must sense that Buck’s not up for more talking because they spend the rest of the time it takes for her to wrap his hands in comfortable silence.

“I want you to keep these on the rest of the time we’re working outside,” Hen says and hands her own work gloves to Buck. To be fair, Buck has no idea where he’s left his own pair. “We can’t have the dressings getting wet or dirty.”

Buck thanks her quietly and pulls the gloves on, careful not to pull the gauze away. When he’s done Hen pats him on the shoulder.

“Let’s go find Eddie.”

-.-.-

Buck’s mind is somber as he stands outside, listening to Bobby brief everyone on what they are going to do. He already knows his task and can’t help but let his mind wander to how Eddie might be right below them as they speak and if he is, what state he’s in. Buck ignores the thoughts of him laying there motionless and focuses on breathing deeply as he thinks of how they are going to find him and how Hen and Chimney are going to help him with whatever injuries he might have sustained while down there. He doesn’t let himself feel anything but determination.

He feels all his breath leave his body when he hears a familiar voice and sees Eddie stumbling into their circle. He’s by his side in an instant, helping him stay upright as he struggles to walk.

There are so many words Buck wants to say to Eddie, a ‘I love you so much never do that to me again' on the forefront of his mind, ready to leave his lips any minute he stops paying attention to where they are and how there are a million reasons he shouldn’t. It’s just that Eddie is there and Buck is holding his hand and while the hand is cold the fingers are squeezing Buck’s hand back with a sure grip.

Eddie is safe and making jokes about having an important meeting on Friday and Buck feels like he could cry as he and Hen help Eddie to the ambulance where Chimney is already waiting for them.

Buck gives them space as Eddie sits down and Hen and Chimney start checking him over, giving him a once-over before they need to bring him to the hospital for a more thorough check. They don’t know what Eddie went through under there but Buck can see that there are some scrapes on his face, his eyes look irritated from the water, and he’s sopping wet, which indicates that at some point Eddie has been completely underwater.

Buck keeps cataloging the injuries he can see and he doesn’t even notice Bobby coming up next to him.

“Go,” Bobby says and nudges him towards the ambulance where Hen and Chim are helping Eddie out of the harness and the red protective gear, leaving him in his uniform that looks to be mostly dry. Next, they help him lay down on the gurney so that they can get to the hospital.

There’s no force on this earth that could keep Buck from following Eddie to the hospital right now, but he doesn’t stop to tell Bobby that. He climbs into the ambulance next to Chimney who’s working on hooking Eddie to oxygen as Bobby tells them he’s going to meet them at the hospital once everything is done at the scene. After all, their shift was supposed to be over nearly two hours ago, but the prolonged rescue had resulted in all of them staying longer. Hen is in the passenger seat while another member of 118 is driving, probably having been tasked to drive the ambulance back to the station after, so that all three of them could stay with Eddie.

Eddie should have been home an hour ago. They hadn’t needed to inform any of Eddie’s family yet since Christopher was going to spend the night with Abuela because it was a school night and it would have been too late for Eddie to pick him up after his shift. No one knows what he went through tonight. They don’t know how a relatively normal shift turned out to be a nightmare.

And Buck is glad for that since he wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone.

Buck wonders if he should inform them now, but he decides to wait until he knows what to tell. Eddie is awake and cracking jokes but there’s no telling of the damage that could have happened when he was underground.

Things like internal bleeding, secondary drowning, and head trauma go through his mind and Buck curses the medical knowledge he has. He wants so hard to focus on the fact that Eddie is here and he’s alive and things look good for the first time in hours.

“Keep him awake,” Chimney says and brings Buck out of his spiraling thoughts. Buck looks at him and nods, watching as Chimney turns away to do something before Buck looks at Eddie and tries to start a conversation.

“Come on dude, you know the drill,” Buck says to Eddie as his eyes keep trying to drop closed. “No sleeping in the ambulance.”

“I must admit,” Eddie starts, his voice a little slurred. Buck doesn’t know if it’s because he’s so tired or because he’s so cold, maybe a mix of both, but nevertheless he tucks the shock blanket a little tighter around Eddie and places his hand on top of the blanket, over Eddie’s arm, hoping that even a bit of the warmth seeps into his skin through the blanket. “Now I understand why the patients are always so tempted.”

“Yeah well,” Buck starts, trying to keep his tone light and joking. It seems to be what Eddie needs right now, and Buck would do anything to make him feel even a little bit better. “Tempting or not, you’re not allowed. You’ll have plenty of time to nap later when you’re home.”

A small smile appears on Eddie’s face, softer than it should be among all the cuts and dirt.

“Yeah,” he breathes out so quietly Buck can barely hear it through the oxygen mask he’s wearing. “Home.”

The rest of the ride to the hospital follows a similar pattern of Buck saying whatever lighthearted nonsense comes to his mind and Eddie attempting to respond, his eyes trying to close against his will.

Everything is looking better now, but the weight on Buck’s chest is not letting up. If anything, it gets ten times heavier when they roll Eddie out of the ambulance and the ER staff takes over. With Eddie out of his sight, it feels difficult to assure himself that he’s fine and Buck finds himself frozen on his spot outside of the ER doors, even when Hen appears next to him and Chimney and the ambulance leaves back to the station.

“Come on,” Chimney says. “Let’s go to the waiting room.”

-.-.-

“How fucked up is it that I’ve been to this waiting room so many times that I have a favorite seat?” Chimney says after a while of silence. “You guys really need to stop injuring yourselves so often or they are going to name a ward after our team.”

“Do you think you have any right to complain?” Hen says from his side where they are sitting next to the window. It’s late so there’s not much to be seen outside, save from the lights on the hospital parking lot. “I think out of this team I’m the one who gets the rights to complain about everyone being hurt. How many times have you been here to see me in the past two years? A round zero. And I can clearly remember you nearly dying twice during that time mister rebar-through-a-brain and multiple-stabbing-wounds.”

“At least I’m not as bad as Buck,” Chimney tries to argue.

It’s dark humor, but they know each other and know that it’s sometimes needed. They’ve been through a lot, and sometimes it’s better to laugh and joke about the times when they were seriously injured, in hopes that making light of them strips away some of the fear and worry that lingers.

Buck knows that at some point they will laugh at the fact that Eddie’s injury makes Hen the only one out of their team they haven’t visited in the hospital yet, but right now the fear is still too fresh, the uncertainty of the situation making them too afraid to joke about Eddie.

Buck knows he’s being uncharastically quiet, but the other two don’t call him out on it. He’s pacing in front of Hen and Chimey’s chairs, impatient to hear what’s going on with Eddie.

The clock on the waiting room wall nears midnight when Bobby joins them. They talk about how the cleanup at the scene went. Buck tunes them out and ignores the concerned glances Bobby keeps giving his way. They make him feel like Bobby knows more than he says, and it makes Buck uncomfortable. He might wear his heart on his sleeve and generally be like an open book, but this is a secret he doesn’t want to get out. It’s a secret that has the power to destroy the friendship he has with Eddie, and Buck would rather spend the rest of his life pining than lose what he has with Eddie. Eddie is his best friend, first one he’s ever had if you don’t count Maddie, and he won’t let his stupid feelings ruin that.

Just a little over an hour ago he had been despairing over the fact that Eddie would never get to know how Buck feels about him, but now that Eddie is safe, when there’s no immediate danger, the idea of telling his best friend that he loves him makes Buck freeze up in fear.

So Buck prays that Bobby doesn’t say anything and he tries his best to keep it together when they wait for news.

Another hour passes until a nurse walks towards them.

“Are you here for Edmundo Diaz?” he asks. He must have already known the answer, considering three of them are still wearing their uniforms, Bobby being the only one who had the opportunity to change to civilian clothes. The only thing Buck has done is take off his gloves and put them in his turnout coat pockets, the coat way too heavy and warm to be worn inside but providing comfort that Buck isn’t willing to let go of just yet as he’s nervously picking at the frayed gauze in his fingers.

“Yes.” Buck is the first to reply, stopping his pacing and walking to the nurse, searching his face for any clue of the news they are going to get. “Is he okay?”

Buck can hear the rest of the team stand up as well, and the nurse looks at them all before answering.

“He’s fine,” he says. “You can follow me to a room where we have him and he can fill you in himself.”

“He’s awake?” Hen asks before Buck has the chance to.

The nurse nods.

“Right this way.”

-.-.-

When they arrive at the room, the doctor is there, talking with Eddie. Eddie looks a little better when his face is no longer smeared with blood, but the hospital gown makes him look small somehow, something Buck didn’t think was possible considering that Eddie is not a small person. The redness of his eyes is even more apparent where he’s sitting up against the white sheets, and his skin looks pale.

“How are you doing Eddie?” Bobby asks as they are all in the room.

“I’m good, Cap,” Eddie replies. “The doctor was just explaining how all my scans came out clear. There’s no liquid in my lungs and even though I’m bruised like a peach, there are no signs of internal bleeding.”

The doctor nods at Eddie’s words and continues,

“Mr. Diaz is understandably tired after everything that happened today and he’s going to feel cold for a little while until his body temperature gets back to normal, but we’re not worried. There are bruises and a couple of small cuts on his face but like he said, there’s no internal bleeding or fractured bones,” she says. “It’s going to take several days of rest before he’s able to get back to work, but there’s nothing stopping him from going home now.”

“That’s great Eddie!” Hen says cheerily and walks to Eddie’s bedside, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. Chimney joins her on that side of the bed while Bobby walks on the other, Buck trailing behind him to stand next to him.

“Someone will be over with discharge papers in a little while,” the doctor says before politely excusing herself.

“I brought your bag from the station,” Bobby says and sets the bag down on a chair close to the wall. “Thought you might want to wear something clean.”

“Thanks Bobby,” Eddie says and gives him a genuine smile.

Buck doesn’t know what to say, too overcome with relief after hearing that Eddie really is okay, that there are no hidden injuries waiting to make themselves known. He keeps looking at Eddie, wondering what is acceptable now that they are out of the woods and everything is okay. He really liked holding Eddie’s hand earlier, but taking it now when the urgency of the situation is gone, he’s not sure if he can do it. Would his team think that it’s weird, would Eddie? What would Bobby think, when he apparently already knows something?

Bucks’ head is spinning and it takes a moment for him to realise that someone is saying his name.

“Buck?”

It’s Eddie, and Buck shakes his head to clear his thoughts so he can focus on whatever he’s apparently missed.

“Yeah?”

“What happened to your hands?” Eddie asks, nodding towards Buck’s hands that he has in front of him, his fingers nervously picking at the gauze.

“Nothing,” Buck tries to deny.

“Something happened,” Eddie argues.

“Something dumb,” Buck argues back. He spares a look at the team around them, knowing that everyone else saw how he tried to dig Eddie up with his bare hands. It had been an instinct then, but now, under the bright lights of the hospital room, it feels foolish. He can feel the tips of his ears heat up and he hopes the blush doesn’t spread to his face.

He’s saved from answering when the same nurse from earlier returns with Eddie’s discharge papers, and they leave the room to give Eddie privacy to change his clothes.

-.-.-

“Does anyone else need a ride home?” Bobby asks the people around them as they walk towards the exit. He had offered to drive Eddie home since his truck was still at the station and he’s in no state to drive it home that night.

“Maddie is going to pick me up,” Chimney says. “And Hen is coming with us too since she lives in the same direction.”

“Okay,” Bobby nods. “How about you Buck?”

Buck doesn’t live in the same direction as Chimney and Hen, and even if he did he’d probably come up with an excuse to ride with Bobby, just so he could stay with Eddie for a while longer.

“If it’s not too much trouble?” Buck asks.

“Of course not,” Bobby says. “You two wait at the front, I’m going to get the car here so you don’t need to walk all the way to the parking lot, Eddie.”

“Thanks, Bobby,” Eddie says. He’s dressed in his own clothes now, plus an LAFD hoodie that’s doing a pretty poor job at keeping him warm if the shivers running through his body are anything to go by. Buck wishes he could reach for Eddie and hold him close, help keep him warm.

They say their goodbyes to Chimney and Hen, and Buck stays with Eddie near the doors when Bobby goes to get the car. Eddie’s looking better than he did at the scene, but it’s obvious that he’s tired. He might not be stumbling anymore but the relatively short walk from the hospital room to the entrance doors has left him winded, and Buck knows that the reason why he leans against the wall isn’t to look casual.

Buck takes in a deep breath of cool night air through his nose, happy to leave the smell of hospital behind. It’s quiet for a while before Eddie breaks the silence.

“Are you going to tell me about your hands?”

Buck thinks about it. Does he want to tell Eddie? Not particularly. But he’s aware that Eddie will hear about it sooner or later. He’ll hear from someone in the team or he’ll see a news report or an online article of what happened today.

Buck thinks it’s best to get it out of the way now.

“When we first noticed that you were buried under all that dirt,” Buck starts, decidedly staying a couple of steps away from the wall with his back to Eddie, his focus on his hands and the fraying gauze he keeps picking with his wrapped fingertips. “I was terrified?”

He has no idea why he says it like it’s a question. It’s one of the things he’s the most sure about when it comes to the day they’ve had. At that moment he was absolutely terrified that they’d lost Eddie. “I tried to dig you up.”

“With your hands?” Eddie asks, and though there’s no mocking tone Buck feels defensive.

“Told you it was stupid,” he says and kicks a small rock on the ground.

Eddie is quiet after that and Buck fights the urge to turn to look at him because while a part of him is curious to see what kind of expression Eddie might be wearing at the moment, a bigger part is scared to know.

Confusion, pity, and understanding are all things Buck could see there, and he doesn’t know how to react to any of them. It’s safer not to know, better if he can leave this conversation and pretend it never happened and move on.

That’s why when he sees Bobby’s car pull up he pulls the passenger side door open and gets in, focusing on what he can see through the windshield as Eddie climbs into the backseat and Bobby starts driving. Buck tries his best to convince himself that the weight of Eddie’s eyes on the back of his head is completely imaginary.

It’s quiet in the car, save from the music playing low volume on the radio, until Eddie breaks the quiet.

“Could we stop at Abuela’s and get Chris?” Eddie asks, his voice hesitant.

Buck looks at the clock on the car radio and sees it’s nearing 2 AM, which means that Christopher’s bedtime has well and truly passed. The fact that Eddie wants to wake him up and bring him home speaks volumes about what kind of day he’s had. It doesn’t surprise Buck that Eddie wants to be near family now, and Bobby doesn’t question it either. His reply is sure, like there was never another option.

“Of course.”

Eddie calls Abuela then, saving her from details but telling her that something happened at work but that he’s okay now and he’s going to come to pick Christopher up soon.

His words make it seem so simple, like he sprained his ankle or maybe inhaled a little too much smoke, not that he got buried alive and almost died.

Buck takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and focuses on the sound of Eddie’s voice.

Eddie is safe, alive, and in the same car as him. If Buck were a braver man he could turn his head and look at Eddie right now, but he’s scared of what Eddie might see on his face if he did, so he keeps facing forward, hoping that the car ride to Abuela’s never ends so that he doesn’t need to go home alone with only his thoughts as company. He doesn’t know what will happen when he can no longer confirm by at least one of his senses that Eddie is okay.

Before long they arrive at Abuela’s and Bobby has barely parked the car before Eddie is getting out of the car.

“You okay, kid?” Bobby asks as they sit in the car and watch as Eddie rushes to the door and Abuela opens it for him, greeting him with a tight hug that must hurt Eddie’s bruised body but that he returns just as tightly.

“Yeah,” Buck says. He watches as Eddie disappears into the house and waves back when Abuela spots him in the car and waves as a greeting.

“It’s okay not to be,” Bobby says. Buck doesn’t know how to reply to that so he stays quiet, and soon they can see Eddie coming out of the house, carrying a very tired-looking but nevertheless awake Christopher in his arms. Abuela trails behind them, carrying Chirstopher’s backpack and crutches.

Buck plasters on a smile as he turns to greet Christopher, not wanting the kid to pick up on his somber mood. He hopes it’s convincing enough to assure Abuela as well.

The ride is quiet and when they arrive at Eddie’s house, Christopher is already back asleep, being none the wiser about what happened to his father earlier that day. Or technically yesterday.

“Do you need help?” Buck asks as he watches Eddie lift Christopher up into his arms, his crutches under his arm and backpack on his back. It looks complicated but there’s an ease to the action that has come by practice - this is hardly the first time Eddie has done this.

“No,” Eddie says. “We’re good. Thank you.”

“Okay.”

They say their goodbyes and watch Eddie walk to the front door and unlock the door, making sure they get inside. When they are safely in the house, Bobby turns to look at Buck.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay?” He asks. Buck turns his eyes away from the kitchen window where a light glow of the living room light could be seen.

“He needs to be with family,” Buck says. “I don’t want to intrude. Besides, I'm really tired and just want to get to my own bed where I can get some sleep. I’ve slept on their couch before and let me tell you, it’s not made for people my height.”

Lie.

Buck wants nothing more than to stay near Eddie, even if it means uncomfortable rest on the too-short couch. Even sleeping there would probably be more restful than a sleep in his own bed will be.

Bobby looks like he wants to argue but he stays quiet, nods a little, and reverses the car from the driveway.

They stay quiet the whole ride to Buck’s apartment and Buck keeps thinking about how much he doesn’t want to go there, but he pushes it back and listens to the music on the radio.

“Thanks for the ride Bobby,” he says as they reach his building.

“No problem,” Bobby says. “Call me if you need me.”

“I will,” Buck says and closes the car door. He waves to Bobby and starts walking towards the doors.

Buck tries to focus on how nice it is to be home after the day he’s had. How nice it will be to shower and get to clean clothes and wash away all the mud that keeps reminding him of earlier. How nice it will be to get to his soft bed and to put this day behind him.

But try as he might, he can’t ignore how empty the apartment is when he finally unlocks his door. It’s dark in there, but he doesn’t want to turn on the lights downstairs. He hangs his turnout coat next to the door and leaves the pants in a heap on the floor. He’ll deal with them tomorrow, will probably drop them by the station so they’ll be clean by the time they have their next shift a day after tomorrow. He heads up to the loft on the light provided by the tall windows and only turns on the light when he reaches his bathroom.

The sight that greets him in the bathroom mirror makes him stop for a moment and stare. There’s mud on his face and on his uniform, despite the turnout gear he’d been wearing when they were outside. There are dark marks under his eyes, and the white gauze at his fingers looks frayed. It looks like he’s had a hellish night, even though he was the one above ground.

He shakes himself back to present at that thought and moves towards the sink to gently peel away the gauze. He wants to shower and having soggy gauze on his fingers isn't going to be good. Besides, as he throws the gauze away and studies his fingers, he sees that they have mostly stopped bleeding, save for the few parts that were pulled open when he took away the gauze.

His shower is quick, the soap in his wounds making him reassess the thought that his wounds had closed, but he pushes through it. He has mud in places where mud should never go and wants it all gone. He wants to wash away those reminders of what happened today, even if he can’t remove them from his head. When he’s done he dries himself and wraps the few fingers that are still bleeding, not wanting any blood on his clothes or sheets. After that he gets dressed in sweats and a tee, going through with his bedtime routine like it’s any other day, instead of one of the most awful days he’s ever had. And it’s saying a lot, because life hasn’t always treated him kindly.

He tries to ignore the thoughts going through his head, thoughts of how close he came of losing Eddie and how Eddie must be feeling right now, of what kind of thoughts are going through his head. Buck doesn’t even know what Eddie really went through down there, and he fears that the reality is just as bad or maybe even worse than the scenarios he has in his head. And in the end it doesn’t matter, because all Buck has are those thoughts, those maybes and what-ifs. But Eddie has the reality, Eddie is the one who almost died, who had to fight his way out of an impossible situation, and who is alone in knowing how it really felt.

All alone.

As Buck sits on the edge of his bed, all ready to go to sleep but for some reason unable to lay down, he makes a decision.

Eddie might want to be with Christopher and to get some rest, but Buck isn’t going to leave him alone. He’s had to be alone too much today. He was alone when the hole collapsed, he was alone when he fought his way back to the surface, he had to be alone in the ER when they did all those tests and scans to determine what kind of damage it all did to his body. He’s had to be alone too much today, and like hell is Buck going to let him be alone right now.

Eddie might not be physically alone, and Buck knows that having Christopher nearby is probably the best kind of comfort Eddie can get right now, but he also knows his friend and knows that he’ll try to act okay for the sake of his son. He won’t let Christopher see him weak, won’t let him know the extent of what happened to him because he doesn’t want Christopher to be afraid.

Eddie nearly died tonight, and he’s allowed to be weak. Is allowed to be scared and vulnerable, and Buck thinks he might need someone to remind him of that. Someone who knows what happened, and someone Eddie doesn’t need to shield.

Buck might not be family, but he’s Eddie’s best friend, and it’s best friend’s job to make sure their friend is okay. He knows that Eddie said that he’s okay, and he knows that the doctors said that he was okay physically, nothing a good rest wouldn’t fix. But Buck also knows what it does to a person to nearly die, and he knows that Eddie is probably the last person to admit that he needs help, or just wants someone to be there.

So Buck makes up his mind, doesn’t even bother to change his clothes, just pulls on a pair of shoes and a hoodie, and leaves the apartment to get to his car that’s in the parking lot. To think that less than 24 hours ago it was just another day where Eddie had picked him up before their shift so they could head in together. It feels like a lifetime has passed between that moment and now.

Buck starts the car and drives the familiar route to Eddie’s house. The clock on the dashboard shows past 3 AM and the roads are calm, no sign of the early morning traffic yet.

When Buck parks on the driveway, he notices immediately that a small light is still glowing from behind the kitchen curtains. Either it means that Eddie forgot to turn the lights off, or it means that Buck’s not the only one who feels like sleep is the last thing on their mind right now.

He gets out of the car and walks to the door, knocking on it lightly. He never stopped to think what he would do if Eddie wasn’t awake. He had the key for emergencies but would it be okay to use it now, in the middle of the night?

Although, Buck thinks, if the urgency he feels is any indicator, this must fall under the category of emergencies.

He doesn’t need to think for longer because the door opens and Eddie is standing behind it. He’s dressed in sweats and a thick sweatshirt, and his damp hair is curling at the ends, indicating that he has probably showered earlier. There are still cuts on his face and the skin around his eyes is irritated, but he looks a lot better now that he’s clean and dressed comfortably. He’s a little confused but he doesn’t seem annoyed that Buck is behind his door so late (or early) after the day he’s had, so Buck takes in a deep breath, trying to calm his racing heart.

“Buck?” Eddie asks, as if he’s unsure if his tired eyes are seeing right.

“Hey,” Buck says and steps inside when Eddie steps aside to let him in. “I’m sorry I’m here.”

“Why?” Eddie asks after he closes the door and turns to face Buck in the living room. The hallway light is on, as is the small lamp in the living room. The door to Christopher’s room is closed, so Buck assumes at least one of them is doing what they all should be doing and is asleep. Buck turns to look at Eddie when he answers, even though he’s not sure if Eddie is asking him why he’s at his door at such a weird hour, or why he’s apologising.

“I’m sorry for barging here,” Buck explains. “I know you’ve had a long day and you want to rest and spend time with family. But I-'' Buck hesitates before he continues. “I thought that maybe you’d want someone to be there for you. Someone who’s willing to listen and who you don’t need to shield, because I saw what happened.”

“Buck,” Eddie says, Buck’s name coming out in a breath, a tone of awe in the name. “You are family.”

Buck’s at a loss for words because that’s not the part of his speech he was expecting Eddie to comment on, but he’s saved from having to come up with a reply when Eddie continues.

“I want you here,” he admits, his tone still quiet. Whether it is because he doesn’t want to wake up Christopher, or because he’s afraid to say the words any louder, careful with words that make him vulnerable, Buck doesn’t know. “I just didn’t know how to ask.”

“You shouldn’t have needed to ask,” Buck replies easily and steps forward to pull Eddie into a hug. It’s gentler than the ones they occasionally share, in part because Buck is still very aware of how fragile Eddie is, and in part because it feels fitting for the situation. It’s not the time for a happy hug that’s quick and accompanied by pats on the shoulder, the situation calls for something softer, gentle but solid that reminds the other that they aren’t alone, that the other is there and that things will be okay, even if it doesn’t feel like that at the moment.

Buck pretends that he doesn’t hear the small sniff that comes out of Eddie when Buck doesn’t pull away from the hug after a short while, letting Eddie decide how long he needs the hug to last, and he pretends that his cheek just happens to brush against Eddie’s shirt, and he’s not trying to subtly brush away a tear that escaped at feeling Eddie against him, solid and warm and alive.

Eddie’s been honest, the least Buck can do is return the favor.

“I was terrified,” Buck says. “From the moment I lost your weight on that rope I had a bad feeling in my stomach, and when the hole collapsed it felt like I couldn’t breathe. There are only a few moments in my life when I’ve been as terrified.”

Buck doesn’t mention any examples, but he’s pretty sure Eddie knows that one of those times is the time he spent apart from Christopher during the tsunami.

“I’m not sorry I cut that rope,” Eddie says slowly, his words a warm puff against Buck’s shoulder. Maybe it’s easier to talk like this, with the others’ warmth reminding them that they are safe, and not having to face the other. “I’d do it again if it meant saving that boy. But I am sorry that I caused you so much pain.”

Eddie pulls away after that, but instead of completely letting go of Buck, his hands find Buck’s, the mention of pain probably reminding him of Buck’s hands. Buck only wrapped the fingers with the deepest cuts after his shower, so the extent of his injuries is clear for Eddie to see. Buck feels embarrassed, because why did he think that he had any chance digging Eddie out of there with his hands? But he doesn’t pull the hands away, instead letting Eddie inspect them.

“You tried to dig me up with your bare hands,” Eddie says. It’s not a question but a statement, but Buck feels the need to reply.

“I would do anything for you.”

It might be too much, might reveal too much, but at that moment Buck doesn’t care. It’s the truth, and Eddie deserves to know it. Not because Buck wants him to know what Buck went through when the well collapsed, how much he hurt, and what he was thinking. But because Eddie went through hell today and Buck wants to help, wants to chase away some of those terrifying thoughts and make room for good ones, ones that remind Eddie of how loved he is and how happy everyone is that he made it out.

Eddie doesn’t reply verbally, but he lifts Buck’s hands, first the other one and then the other, and leaves a kiss on both of Buck’s palms, a safe distance from the cuts on his fingers.

It’s barely a brush of lips but it feels monumental, and Buck doesn’t know how to react. It feels like more than friendship, but after the night they’ve both had he doesn’t think now is the right time to reveal his feelings to Eddie. At least not more than he’s already done with his actions.

“Should have known you’d make it out of there on your own,” Buck says eventually when they’ve been quiet for a while, Eddie still looking down at where they are now holding hands, Buck trying to warm up Eddie’s cold skin. “I’m proud of you, Eddie. You must have fought like hell.”

“I’ll always fight to come back to my family,” he says, the word family emphasized with a squeeze of his hands, reminding Buck that he’s included in that.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Buck asks, knowing that getting some of those things out of his head would probably do Eddie good.

“Not tonight,” Eddie says, looking up at Buck. “Maybe later?”

Buck nods, accepting that Eddie probably needs a little time to process everything. He must also be very tired if the droop of his eyelids and the exhausted way he's holding himself are anything to go by.

“You’re probably tired,” Buck says. “You should sleep.”

Eddie hesitates before he speaks next.

“Stay?”

“I’ll be at the couch if you need me,” Buck says, already knowing that there’s nothing that could make him go back to his apartment tonight.

“No I mean-” Eddie starts and hesitates, taking a step backward towards his bedroom and pulling Buck along by his hands, a wordless question. “I’d rather not be alone.”

One of these days Buck is going to talk to Eddie about how he never has to hesitate in asking Buck something, especially if that something is as simple as this. But today is not that day, and instead he toes off his shoes and lets go of one of Eddie’s hands so he can start walking towards Eddie’s bedroom and pull the other man with him.

The bedside table lamp is on, giving them enough light to see what they are doing. Buck lets Eddie get in bed before he tells him that he’ll be right back, and goes to turn off the living room and hallway lights, and then he gets into bed as well. When he reaches for the bedside lamp, a hand stops him.

“Please don’t,” Eddie says, his eyes downcast to the sheets between them. Then he explains, “The well was cold and dark.”

Eddie doesn’t need to say anything more. Buck knows how much it takes for Eddie to admit that he wants to sleep with the light on but Buck will never judge him for it. He even thinks he can help with the other thing as well.

“Are you still feeling cold?” he asks as he settles on his side facing Eddie. They are sharing the blanket but there’s a foot of space between them. Buck wants to let Eddie set the pace but wants him to know that Buck is here for anything he might need.

Eddie nods, “The doctor said that I might feel like this for a while. Said it takes a while for my body to catch up with no longer being in the cold.”

Buck scoots a little bit closer and lifts his arm, a clear invite if Eddie wants to get closer.

Eddie looks almost relieved when he scoots closer, and Buck has a feeling that at least half of that relief stems from the fact that Eddie didn’t need to ask. All fear about crossing a line leaves Buck’s mind as Eddie curls close to him and hides his face in the warm space under Buck’s chin, his cold nose making Buck shiver before he gets used to it. Buck brings his arms around Eddie, both to remind him that he’s not alone and to provide warmth.

“I’ve got you.”

The effect of the action is almost immediate and Buck can feel Eddie relax against him. He feels how his body goes lax and how the breaths against his neck get deeper and calmer.

And Buck sees the moment as it is. A moment of vulnerability that shows Eddie’s trust in him in a way he’s rarely seen before. Sure, he knows Eddie trusts him with his life while they are at work, but it is completely different to know that Eddie trusts him with his heart, with the side of him that’s vulnerable and that he normally guards with thick walls. It makes Buck feel like he might not be alone in his feelings, but he doesn’t want to rush it, knowing that now is not the right moment.

They have time.

Buck waits for Eddie to fall asleep first, his exhausted body giving in to sleep quickly as Buck’s hand cards through his hair. Buck tries to stay awake as long as he can, both to appreciate the moment and hoping he will notice if Eddie starts having a nightmare. But the day has been a lot, and having Eddie in his arms - safe and alive - makes the last bits of fear loosen their grip around Buck’s heart and he feels the tension leave his body and he drifts to sleep between one of Eddie’s steady breaths against his neck and the next.

They both get to leave the day behind.

It won’t disappear, things aren’t magically better tomorrow. Just Eddie’s physical injuries will take a while to heal, not to mention the work he has to put on dealing with what happened mentally. Buck knows it won’t be easy, but he’s going to be there for Eddie every step along the way, in whatever way Eddie wants him to.

And isn’t that another thing to think about? This new step they’ve taken in their relationship. What will it look like in the light of a new day? Buck doesn’t know, but he’s not scared anymore.

It’s him and Eddie. They’ll figure it out.

#9-1-1 #buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie fic #my writing #i'm finally yeeting this fic here #feels good #i'm done changing little things #this is as good as it'll get now

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