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harkonnen-darkness · 22 hours

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【 𝐒𝐚𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐞! 】

Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen X f! Reader

┄ Words: ca. 6.000

┄ OneShot to Love Bites

┄ This OS is connected to 𝕸𝖚𝖗𝖉𝖊𝖗 𝖔𝖋 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖕𝖆𝖘𝖙

Warnings: dark Feyd - has a soft spot for you, he has several feelings for his Na-Baroness, he killed Readers rapist, blood & gore, deep talking (for Feyd it's already too much lol), bloody biting, smut sexual touching -> oral (female receving), genital friction, fingering - 18+

Thank you for chosing the title.

And thanks to a beta-reader. <3

only Feyd's pov

She bounced against my chest as I was about to enter her chambers. ❝Where are you going?❞, I asked her as she looked up with wide eyes. She seemed momentarily overwhelmed, took a small step back and stammered, startled, ❝I w-wanted to look for you. You've been gone for so long.❞ Grinning mischievously, I tilted my head. Oh, had the lady missed me? ❝Have you been… busy with him until now?❞, her voice rang out again as I entered her chambers, grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her behind me. A few candles lit the room in a soft, warm light. I found it almost ridiculous that a proud warrior like her had such a side in her. But if that was what she wanted, it was okay with me. I was happy to use any means to make her feel comfortable here on Giedi Prime. Otherwise, the rooms were completely dark, the night deep black. The pleasant scent of her shower gel also caught my nose. It was crazy how used to it I had become. Even crazier how much I liked it. I thought about taking a bath with her tomorrow or swimming in the thermal. As long as my uncle was still away, I could spend a lot more time with my queen.

The large balcony doors were slightly open, the air pleasantly cool compared to the day, but still too warm for my liking. As soon as all the rain had disappeared a few days ago, a sultry heat prevailed on the gloomy planet. Thunderstorms were passing across the sky from time to time, but the air was only slightly cooler as a result. I pushed [y/n] onto the edge of the bed, bent down to her, between her knees. She looked at me silently, as I looked at her. I actually wanted to hear words from her, a 'thank you' at best, but I knew that I had completely overwhelmed her with my actions today. Nevertheless, I hoped that she would love and adore me even more for it than she already did. Her pretty fingers layed on my heated skin, her eyes resting searchingly on my body. ❝It's only his blood. None of it is mine.❞, I explained. Should I be offended now? Or did she just mean well? She nodded understandingly, still silent. I laughed softly, put a bloody hand on her cheek and watched her lean against it for a moment. She seemed to feel safe in my presence. Good. Tears gathered in her tired eyes, sparkling like diamonds, before they ran down her cheeks, thick as blood. Quickly, one of her hands jerked up and wiped the water away. ❝Apologize, Feyd.❞ I shook my head. She was allowed to cry today. In fact, I hoped they were tears of relief. Why else would she be crying?

I would have loved to read her thoughts now. She was probably wondering, and rightly so, what I had done to her tormentor. This afternoon, I had allowed her to take a look in the dark dungeon, after I had defeated him in the arena. A few days ago, I had spontaneously decided to kill him. In full public view. If my uncle asked, I would lie. Another no-good Atreides. And not a follower of the Harkonnens… actually. The beautiful female before me had never told me his name, and yet it had been easy for my middleman to figure out which man was behind it. Who had touched her in a gruesome way. I was disgusted that I had once spoken to him. That I had exchanged words with him and thus unknowingly wasted my time. So disgusting! But how wonderful - [y/n] had wanted to look for me. She probably couldn't fall asleep without me. I wouldn't allow her to wander the halls alone so late at night anyway, no. Even though I knew she could fight back, I was afraid for her. Nobody should harm her. Nobody! I leaned my forehead against her upper body, enjoying her gentle touch. The old me would have mocked me for it. For letting a woman who wasn't one of my whores get so close to me. Closer than the three pets, much closer. But I was pining for her, just as she was pining for me. I idolized her, just as she idolized me. And somewhere along the line, I also hated her deeply. For the fact that she could trigger exactly these feelings and emotions in me. Every day anew. I wanted her to touch me the way she did now. I wanted her to snuggle up to me and fall asleep on my chest, when I layed next to her - which wasn't every night.

Dreamy as I was, my hands stroked her bare legs, under the long black, asymmetrical skirt. Her skin was so pleasantly warm. Her slim fingers had not left my skin either and a purr escaped my throat as she stroked my shoulder muscles with circular movements. There was a pleasant silence in the room, nothing could be heard. It was almost unusual for me after all the screams from her tormentor. I really hoped that her nightmares would come to an end now too. Somewhere I understood and always tried to calm her down, but on the other hand it got on my nerves to have to wake her from her nightmares at night or to be woken up by her sobbing. She shouldn't waste another thought on him! From now on, she would forget him more and more every day. My act today, my gift to her, had to be proof enough that she was important to me and that I had feelings for her. I continued to stroke her legs gently, a stark contrast to the other things I had done with my bare hands today. Another grin crept uncontrollably onto my lips and I kissed the thin, even slightly transparent fabric of her top. I smelled the scent of lavender again, this time on her skin. I rested my head on her thighs, closed my eyes for a moment and continued to allow her lovely touches. Allowed myself to enjoy them. I was powerful, but not enough to detach myself from this female. If she died or disappeared, I would probably lose my mind completely. I would slaughter absolutely everyone. If she would ever try to escape, I would take her back. What was once my property remained mine! Unless I gave it up voluntarily. But I would never give her to anyone else! Why should I?

I didn't realize that I was in a trance at that moment. That her aura completely possessed and captivated me. My eyes remained on her pretty legs, looking at the blood on them that my fingers were spreading. As if it was doing something to me, triggering something deep inside me. I remembered when we had been completely covered in blood, intimate. The sheets and pillows stained red like batik. What a beautiful memory. Growling, I exhaled and slowly looked up at her, gazing deep into her pretty eyes. Her lips were slightly parted and I knew she wanted to say something, but couldn't get a sound out. I got caught up in the reflective sparkling light of the candles. She swallowed nervously. How beautiful.

What was she thinking? I would have loved to split her skull open and read her thoughts. Through the dancing candlelight, I saw something flash in the corner of my eye on the bedside table and turned my head in that direction. Ah, it was the tooth she had removed. Blood still clung to the small bone. With slow movements, I reached into my trouser pocket and pulled out another one. ❝You only took one.❞, I said. My voice even rougher than usual, very quiet. ❝Two are better.❞, I added and placed it next to the other one. She only nodded in agreement, nothing else. She was still too overwhelmed by all the emotions that had erupted in her today, because of me. I loved to overwhelm her. Emotionally as well as physically. I knew she'd been racking her brain all day about how I'd found out. How he had gotten to Giedi Prime. Would I tell her? No, very probably not. Maybe one day. But definitely not today, not now! This morning I had almost left my Chambers in a hurry because I knew that I would finally be able to get rid of him. Once again, I nestled my head against her torso, purring relaxedly as I felt so comfortable in her presence. I knew that I could let myself go with her. She was my haven of peace. When I was too stressed or angry, I liked to seek her out to calm down again. I liked to let myself fall onto her upper body, listen to her heartbeat and let her stroke me like she was doing now. My good-for-nothing uncle had accepted my decision to have her as a (Na-)Baroness. Smart for me, bad for him. No one would ever have thought that I would find my fiancée more than just physically attractive. Just as little as I did at the beginning. I had quickly found her interesting, but it had taken me longer to really admit it to myself.

❝Thank you, Feyd.❞, her voice rang out softly in the darkness. Ah, there it was. I raised my head slightly, but didn't look at her. Instead, I pressed a gentle kiss to the exposed skin between her breasts. My hands slid up her waist, stroking it a few times. Her fingers stroked the back of my neck and I purred once more. I loved it when she did that. Especially at certain moments. My lips wandered over the gauzy fabric over her breasts, feeling her nipples underneath. I licked over the fabric and bit, a little more gently, into the soft flesh. She moaned quietly and her fingers gripped the back of my neck. I pressed her upper body onto the mattress and pushed her thighs further apart. I licked over the blood on her skin, my blackened teeth sinking deep into the equally soft flesh, letting her red liquid, which tasted so much better, melt on my tongue. Her muscle twitched a little, but I didn't care. When she wanted to stay mine, she had to live with it!

I bit her arm several times, her shoulder, her neck and jawline. Marked her as mine. Just as it should be. ❝Say that you're mine!❞, I growled into her ear. It wasn't just a request, she had no other choice. And she knew that. My hands reached under her back to better position her on the bed. ❝I'm yours, my Baron.❞, she whispered as her head sank onto the thick pillows. I didn't loosen my tight grip on her, leaning my forehead against hers and smiling darkly. After today, I needed reassurance. The man I had killed today had touched her in before me. I didn't just hate him for that. I had, literally, torn him apart and yet my anger hadn't gone away. Inside, I felt like I was going to burst with rage. But the pretty girl underneath me would calm me down, I knew that. ❝Again.❞, I murmured against her lips. She giggled, which made me smile too. She stroked my hard chest, over the dried blood and traced the lines of my muscles, but remained silent at first. ❝Are you mine, Feyd?❞ She smiled softly, but I could hear pain in her voice. I felt an uncomfortable weakness inside me. Unpleasant because I couldn't do anything about it. A weakness for her.

Lost in thought, feeling her tickling fingertips, I forgot to answer. Only her startled look snapped me back to reality. ❝Yes, I am.❞, I whispered and stroked her lower lip with my thumb, giving in to my feelings for her. It was no use fighting it (now). It only made my otherwise cold heart ache. I wanted to win her over every time. I needed her. Today I didn't even wait for her answer and kissed her full of desire. I knew her answer either way. She was mine, even after death she would be! I undid the side lacing of her skirt and pulled it off her legs. Her thin top followed suit.

❝You don't always have to do this, Feyd.❞, she moaned breathlessly, as I kissed my way down her body. A guilty conscience plagued her, as she couldn't give me everything yet because of her rapist. But I knew that would change. I was a big part of this process myself and wanted to give her the time she needed. One night or day, I would feel all of her on me. ❝Shut the fuck up!❞, I growled and pushed her down again. With quick finger grips, I removed the simple underwear from her body, biting into her breasts again, her skin down between her legs. I would never miss out on the nectar and her sweet moans. She deserved it. And if I was to be the one to pleasure her in this way, all the better! I pressed my fingers against the fresh bite mark on her thigh, to remind her again who she belonged to. I ran my tongue over the heated flower-rose and heard her shakily inhale. I loved having pure control over her body and emotions. Slowly and carefully, I penetrated her with my tongue, paying attention to any warning signals from her body. But her muscles didn't tense up, her body let me have my way. Her fingers clawed into the sheets and moaned hoarsely. Today I wanted to give her as much as possible. I had spent almost the whole day cruelly torturing this man. I did everything to him that I could think of on the spur of the moment. Until just a few minutes ago, the life had drained out of his body. Now it was time to take care of my beloved and give her what she deserved - apart from me. Her shy moans echoed through the dark room. The candlelight brightened her body, the pearls of sweat on her skin looked like glitter.

The sight would make me come without having touched her, if I didn't take my eyes off her now. Only her twitching muscles around my tongue distracted me and I tightened one grip around her hip, the other hand further, just as hard, on her thigh. I pressed my tongue against her pearl as her body tensed and twitched, one of her hands wrapped around my neck and her fingernails briefly scratched hard across my skin. She didn't even seem to notice. I only gave her a few seconds to calm down, biting and sucking the skin of her thighs between my lips and teeth. A few bruises and purple marks should decorate her body like jewelry, because I wanted it that way! I licked once more over the beads of blood from the bite wound, before quickly turning to her neck to bite her hard there. But suddenly she jumped up and without releasing me from her, I felt her teeth in my shoulder. Blood immediately flowed from the wound, dripping down onto her skin. I growled deeply, not taking my teeth off her. But neither did she. I felt her tongue stroking my skin as I placed my hand on her upper body and pressed her back into the mattress with ease. Her bloody lips grinned cheekily at me and I couldn't help but kiss her. She was so cute and shy, and also so deliciously wicked and full of (bloody) action. I had seen her kill a few times. And I liked it far too much.

As soon as her hands opened my pants, I quickly changed position and pulled her onto my lap. I covered her neck with gentle kisses and slowly stroked up and down her back with both hands. ❝Are you okay?❞, I asked her to make sure. A lot could happen every day, but she certainly wouldn't have expected that. I continued to spread kisses over her sensitive skin, while I waited for her answer. Too long for my taste. I detached myself from her skin and gazed earnestly deep into her eyes. I didn't know how to interpret her silence. ❝It… it's been a bit much today.❞, she replied, no louder than a breath. I nodded understanding, stroking her cheek with the back of my hand. His blood now dry. My eyes didn't leave hers, searching for emotions in what she was feeling now. But I couldn't find an answer in them.

I searched for truths and lies at the same time. I stroked her bloody lips, whispering against them that she was mine. And that there was nothing she could do about it. To my surprise, she smiled, kissed my bloody hand, then my lips. She placed her body firmly on mine, making me groan. However, I had to push her back a little, reaching into my pants, to press my member against her wet labia. A pleasant sigh escaped us and I rested my head on her shoulder, wanting to relax for a moment. Knowing that only I would touch her like this. I pressed one hand under her butt, lifting her body with ease so that my dick slid over her labia. I slowly lifted and lowered her again, my tip stroking her pearl with light pressure. I spread kisses over her cleavage, my blood sticking on her skin here and there, which didn't bother me in the slightest. Her soft moans reached my ears as I licked over the bloody love bite. One hand layed on my chest, the other fell loosely over my shoulder. I kept up the slow pace, as I had sometimes noticed that it stimulated her body more. A soft thunder suddenly sounded over Giedi Prime, but no rain could be heard. I stroked her back with my other hand and pressed her harder against me. Her upper body touched mine, her arm wrapped tightly around my neck and her head continued to rest on my shoulder. I could feel her rapid heartbeat against my chest and it only aroused me even more. By now it hurt as much as her teeth had, when she had just bitten me hard. But I didn't see it as suffering - on the contrary. For me, it was just another sign of how much I wanted her. Before her, I had only found my pets attractive, no other females.

❝Strong heart, Feyd-Rautha.❞, her voice rang out hoarsely, which made me grin. What were once serious words from me, had turned into teasing between us. Little did I know that my heart was vibrating through her whole body. My hand pressed her even tighter against me, which made her moan. So hard that it hurt me too, but it was worth every second. ❝It's yours.❞, I rumbled against her ear and bit into it. Her wet labia were almost unbearable, but I forced myself not to come yet. She was close, but not close enough. ❝Down.❞, I growled, my hand remaining firmly on her lower back as I placed her on the bed, her head propped up on the thick pillows. My blood was dripping onto her skin again, but I didn't really care. Her skin looked so beautiful with the red decoration on it. A flash of lightning lit up the room for a split second, followed by another thunder. Her legs automatically wrapped around my hips to make it easier for me to touch her labia. Nevertheless, I supported her with one hand on her tailbone, my other arm resting next to her head. I looked at her breasts as I moved, watching my blood on them as I felt her lips on my forearm. She kissed my veins, which were clearly protruding due to the high outside temperature. Again, I had to take my eyes off the spectacle, otherwise I would have come. I loved how much she wanted me. But the pain inside me only got worse as her tongue slid over the bluish lines. I had to admit to myself that she was in control of me tonight, not me of her.

I bit, almost desperate, into the wound of her neck again, making her bleed further. My dick slid firmly over her labia, the wetness could be heard, her swollen pearl irritated my tip to death. ❝Fuck! You fucking devil!❞, I growled as she nibbled at my veins. She bit hard to suppress her moans, as I felt her twitching muscles, giving me the rest and pour down on her labia. Completely out of breath, I remained in my rigidity, did not move. Her legs were still wrapped around my waist. Pearls of sweat ran down my ribcage, mixed with the blood, barely able to stand the heat in my body. At that moment, I was hoping the storm would bring rain. Otherwise, the beautiful female beneath me would be my death. I could still feel her hot breath on my arm, as she hadn’t resolved her bite either. I raised my head a little, looked at her body, seeing the pretty little pearls of sweat everywhere, sparkling in the faint candlelight. In that moment, I realized that my orgasm hadn’t been a bit of a redemptive one for me. The pain returned, my dick slowly trembled again. Thus, within a few seconds, it began to rain heavily. But the thunderstorm did not end, as another low thunder sounded the night. Her teeth loosened and I heard her giggling softly. I looked at her asking questions. ❝Reminds me of your purring.❞ I didn't want to trust my ears, growled in her ear that she shouldn't play games with me. But in response, she gently kissed my neck and my bloody shoulder. That's it, there was no turning back. Deeply resentful, I pressed a hand against her lower back again to raise her a little more. And an instinct in me told me, it wouldn't just be a second round this night.

The sudden feeling of emptiness woke me up. She was just lifting her upper body, as I quickly wrapped my arm around her and pushed her down again. ❝Stay!❞, I growled and pressed her firmly back to me. I hated it when she stood up before me. ❝You should have got up a long time ago, Feyd.❞, she told me with worried eyes. I turned on my back and shook my head. ❝He’s not here. And no one else cares if I’m somewhere later than anyone else.❞, I explained to her, my grip around her did not loosen. ❝They know I’m with you anyway.❞, I grinned at her, making her cheeks blush a little. Voluntarily, she dropped onto my upper body, her breasts were pleasantly cool on my skin for a moment. Automatically, my hand was on her back, driving back up and down. The thick curtains let in enough light to see that almost all the stains on her back had faded. In the last few days, we had not had enough time to get really intimate with each other. I didn't really want quickies with her, rather I let my tongue do quick work and I touched myself. My uncle couldn't take that from me. But for real intimacy, I always wanted to have time for her and her body. She layed still on me, breathing slowly in and out. Completely relaxed. I took the opportunity and bit into her back. Not so hard that she bled, but hard enough that the tooth prints would be visible for a while. Again and again I sucked her skin between my lips and teeth to refresh the pretty bruises. Maybe a stupid game, but very important to me. As one leg was angled from her, I discovered the now visible spots on her thighs. My bite wound was clear and easy to see. I let my hand slide down her back, over her butt, and further down to the bite wound to take a closer look. I noticed heat emanating from her female zone, she angled her leg even more, moved a little and pressed her hot labia against my hand.

❝Devil!❞, I growled deeply, pushing her pretty hair aside to bite the back of her neck. Her body reacted quickly to my touch, and my fingers slid a little easier over her labia. She moaned pleasantly and I enjoyed giving her the little massage. Knowing exactly what I could do to her body. After a few seconds she pulled herself vertically onto my body. Only the thin blanket separated my genitals from hers, and I felt her breasts on my chest again. She rested her head relaxed in the crook of my neck, her hot breath whipping against the thin skin. I pressed one hand under her butt again, to pull her a little higher. She automatically moved one leg more to the side as I wrapped my wet fingers around her pearl. She sucked in a sharp breath, as I pressed my other hand under her thigh to massage her wet entrance. Only her hands around my neck kept her in position, her moans were music to my ears. I would never have touched my whores like that, or anyone else. These touches were for her alone and I started nibbling on her shoulder. Her hot breath hit my neck, her moans became a little louder, sounded desperate and her arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders, as if she were looking for support. ❝Not my fault!❞, I reminded her, biting her ear.

❝Yes, it’s your fault!❞, she countered and bit lightly into my neck. ❝Why?❞, I asked hoarsely as the arousal inside me ached. ❝Because you arouse me so much!”, she hissed. ❝Because you are manipulating me!❞, I replied a second later and increased the pressure on her clitoris. ❝I... don't...❞, she moaned weakly, already shaking. I penetrated her with just the tip of my finger, maintaining the pressure with my other hand. ❝You do!❞, I growled as one hand gripped my shoulder tightly, the other stayed on my neck and her body trembled and twitched. I bit her neck, which finished her off and I felt her twitch violently against my hands, her moans so hoarse, that she could barely make a sound. Satisfied, I stayed on her wet skin for a few seconds, trying to ignore my stiff member. I kissed the red spot on her neck gently, listening to her heavy breathing. ❝Don't ever get up before me!❞, I said as I pushed her away and quickly stood up.

She didn't have the strength to hold on, her hand slipping from my arm as she tried to wrap her fingers around it. I took my fingertips between my lips with relish and didn't dare turn around. If I would do that now, I would take her. But she was right, I really didn't have any time left. It was during the game, that it occurred to me that Rabban was probably already waiting for me. The ice-cold shower brought relief, but I still avoided looking at her, as I dug out a new pair of pants of mine from her closet. However, I still had the belt on the other pair of pants. ❝Cover your body!❞, I ordered her and I heard that she obeyed me. I felt her eyes on me, saw a smile on her face without looking directly at her. Removing the belt from the trouser loops, I told her that she should get breakfast. They would give her what she wanted anyway. I knew she skipped meals sometimes. ❝Hmm, a croissant with honey. A few pieces of cold fruit, a cup of tea…❞, she mused, completely lost in thought. ❝Sounds good.❞, I answered her and she looked at me questioningly, which made me laugh briefly. ❝You speak your thoughts out loud, my lady.❞ Her cheeks flushed slightly again and she cast her gaze to the floor. For me, however, it was a sign of trust, when she murmured to herself. ❝Yes, you need to eat something too.❞, she said quietly and reached for her bottle of water. I knew she hadn't meant the words to be ambiguous, but my eyes met hers hard. ❝Stop manipulating me!❞, I growled deeply and took the glass bottle from her hands, pulling the blanket from her lower body but leaving her breasts covered. I quickly pushed her legs apart, leaned down and licked up her sweet nectar, sucking on the soft skin to get everything I deserved. I pressed my hand firmly over her mouth, so I wouldn't have to hear her moan. It felt like I wasn't allowed to kill someone who deserved nothing more than to die. And it didn't get any better when I pulled away from her but bit into her thigh one last time. ❝So, I had mine.❞, I said without looking at her. I heard her laughing softly as I stepped out the door. Not knowing that I would be touching her again in about two hours.

I felt a hand on my upper arm and knew immediately that it was my fiancée's. I had already smelled her perfume. His body, uncovered, was being transported away on a stretcher. ❝No one will ever harm you again.❞, I reminded her whispering. There were a few other Harkonnen standing in the hallway, watching what was happening. The smell that came out of the prison was horrible. But I knew that every single cut on his body had been worth it. In the end, I had removed his skin uncleanly and roughly. Since I had also cut off his limbs, he looked more like a raw piece of meat. I cut off his head purely out of protest. I didn't know whether he was still alive at that point. I heard her swallow, she probably wasn't expecting this sight. She was wearing the same clothes as yesterday, unfortunately the rain had only cooled down the night. Her hair was pinned up, some kind of jewelry holding her hairstyle together. I wrapped my arm tightly around her waist, as she looked away from the piece of meat. She leaned her forehead against my upper arm and closed her eyes. I placed a kiss on her hair. It didn't bother me that we weren't alone. Everyone should know by now, especially after my action in the arena yesterday, that I felt something for the Na-Baroness. I was probably the first Harkonnen in decades, but who would have a problem with that? Except for my uncle.

At that moment, she asked if I knew when he was coming back. ❝From what I know, not today.❞, I replied immediately. She smiled with relief and looked at my bare upper body. Because of the heat, some wore no tops. The bite marks on my shoulder and under arm were clearly visible, as were my teeth marks on her neck. ❝Hmm, would you like to go swimming later?❞, she asked me quietly. ❝I would even be willing to try the cold water.❞, she added, which, made me laugh for a moment. ❝Are you sure you can do this?❞, I teased her. ❝I can at least try!❞, she countered. ❝Otherwise you have to go into the lukewarm water with me.❞, she continued as I saw an equally black bikini through her transparent top. The small stainless steel Harkonnen symbol hanging between her breasts, how pretty. I also saw the two teeth, slightly above her breasts, which were attached to a thin chain link. I examined her work with interest, turning it between my fingers. ❝Good idea.❞, I mumbled and she grinned at me. ❝Is someone saying their thoughts out loud, Na-Baron?❞ I paused for a moment because she was right, but then nodded. ❝Morning swimming is very good.❞, I told her, grabbing her wrist and pulling her behind me. I didn't feel like waiting until tonight. However, I knew full well that she wouldn't be able to stand the cold water. I also knew that there was a good chance that we wouldn't be swimming at all. Maybe a few strokes at the beginning, but it would lead to something completely different. Our emotions are still fully charged from yesterday. Her fingers cheekily tugged at my waistband and undid the belt, even though we hadn't even arrived yet. ❝Naughty brat!❞, I growled, grabbing her and easily pulling her body over my shoulder, biting her butt. She planted kisses on my back, which I enjoyed more than I would ever admit.

I watched her touch the ice cold water with just one toe. She grinned sheepishly at me and shook her head. ❝I knew it!❞, I said, went up to her and picked her up in my arms. Her hands wrapped around my shoulders, her lips kissed my neck as I stepped into the lukewarm, slightly bubbling water with her. I heard another ❝Thank you.❞ from her when we were so deep in the water, that it was up to our arms. She wrapped her legs around my waist and I was almost painfully aware of how much I wanted her, as she pressed against me, making us both moan. How could my ego allow this? I already had removed her bottom garment as I undid the knots on her neck and back, placing it on the edge of the pool, without moving away from her lips. I pressed my knee between her legs to lift her up a little more. One hand on her back, the other on her pearl. Her fingers clawed at the muscles of my upper arm, moaning my name hoarsely as I sucked on the skin of her neck to add more marks. I bit the link chain and gave it a playful tug. She pressed herself even closer to me, wrapping her legs around my waist so tightly, as if she felt like she was drowning. A hand caressed the back of my neck, definitely one of my weak points. Sighing pleasantly, she placed a few gentle kisses on my neck and collarbone. ❝You are mine, Feyd-Rautha… but please tell me. How did you know it was him?❞ I shook my head, kissed my property and tasted the honey on her lips.

-> Taglist is open! <3 I tag in the comments.

#feyd rautha harkonnen #feyd rautha x reader #feyd rautha dune #dune part two #dark aesthetic #feyd x reader #feyd x you #feyd rautha harkonnen smut #feyd rautha imagine #feyd rautha smut #house harkonnen #dune giedi prime #Spotify #LB •OneShots•

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wildpeachfarm · 2 days

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oh wait. i’m sorry, you probably don’t want to answer that (i just saw one of your asks on my dash saying youre done talking abt it) so i hope you had a wonderful pride. that your day was lovely. and the you felt amazing and happy and tomorrow is another great day for you 💛🏳️‍🌈

No worries Nonnie thank you so much for coming back and saying that though I really appreciate it!! And thank you so much, I hope tomorrow is even more fun! We booked an extra night at our hotel so we can go out drinking again tomorrow and so I hope it’s a good time :D🫶💖

You guys can have a pic of my fit from today ^^

#ask #anon

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chaosduckies · 3 days

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Restoration (Chapter 13)

The last chapter is here everyone! In honor of pride month, I give you this. This amazing chapter that is easily one of my favorites to write. I hope you all enjoy! I promise these two won’t be gone for forever though :D

Word Count: 3.6k

CW: None!

———13———

Four Months Later

———Nathan———

I stared up at the stadium lights above while the school principal and superintendent were talking to the many parents sitting in the stands. I wasn’t paying attention to what they were saying. Something about our class and graduation. I didn’t care all too much. Only that I could go home after this and wake up the next morning without having to worry about school ever again.

Ryker kept me cupped in his hands much like the other people sitting beside him were, waiting until we could get up and receive the piece of paper that officially states that we’ve graduated high school. As soon as the many, many speeches were done, they finally started letting the rows in front of us stand up and walk up the steps to the removable platform.

And soon enough, it was our rows turn, walking in a single line, and getting handed the piece of paper. I held mine close, smiling the entire way back to our chairs. I did it, mom. All of this was for her and dad in the first place. Though, I would’ve never seen today if it weren’t for Ryker.

We moved the strings attached to our caps to the left while everyone started cheering loudly. I had to cover my ears while I laughed and looked back up to Ryker, who was laughing and waving to his siblings that were in the stands. Today was a great day. And a sad one. Tomorrow I would wake up the next morning and have no one to talk to. But that was okay. I shouldn’t bother Ryker anymore. No matter how many times he’s made me laugh even after my mother passed away. No matter how many times he’s given me almost exactly what I’ve needed for so long, I knew today would be the last day I would get to talk to him.

Everyone had started to head home while Ryker met up with his siblings, getting hugged and congratulated. I did too, just minus the hugging part. It was hard to have a smile on today since my mom was supposed to be here, but I did anyways. I just hoped she was looking at me right now.

“So I’ll see you at home in a few?” Jasmine asked, taking Isabelle’s hand and giving me a teasing side eye. Apparently everyone alone with her was worried about me after what had happened and just tried their best to help me out. They knew what it was like. And now, Jasmine doesn’t glare at me anymore or give me empty threats. If anything, she’s the complete opposite of what I first thought of her. We’ve become pretty good friends.

“Yeah.” Ryker replied, waving them off while walking back into the school and letting me slide off his hand. What was he doing?

“Hey, um, wanna just change back into your clothes? I’ll take you back after.” Ryker told me as I nodded, heading into the nearby restrooms to take off the black gown and fold it neatly into the cap. I sighed, getting ready to say goodbye to him in just a few minutes before he drops me off at the bus stop.

I walked back out, seeing that he had already folded his clothes nicely and put on his signature hoodie. I climbed back onto his waiting hand as he grinned. That was… interesting. What was happening? I didn’t know, but I just carried on, still saddened by the thought of saying goodbye.

We walked outside the school, walking down the sidewalk, but not taking the turn to the bus stop he usually does. I looked up at him worriedly, “The bus stops over… there.” I pointed back to the street as he just innocently smiled at me. Oh. Where was he taking me then? I wasn’t too worried honestly, but still. I wanted to know.

After about a silent ten minute walk with no sound except the crickets and faint cars in the distance, we had arrived at the same coffee place he had taken me to months before. Didn’t he say he works here?

“I thought you were taking me back home.” I told him, confusion lining my voice. He shook his head, “I said I’d take you back after. I never said after what.”

There was a loop hole? Why were we even at this coffee shop in the first place? I couldn’t exactly argue with him, and I didn’t exactly mind it either. It just means I get a few extra minutes before leaving. How could I argue with time? I didn’t know whether to like the fact my heart was beating faster and faster, or to hate it. All I did know was that I was excited because he wanted to spend the last few minutes of the night with me.

We sat down at the exact same table when we had first came here. There were a few people, some even talking with the workers. I sat down at the human-sized table on top, facing Ryker while he scooted all the way down. I bit the side of my cheek as a woman with the cafe logo on her work outfit came with a notepad. Ryker laughed and greeted her like they were best friends while I didn’t pay attention all too much. I guess Ryker noticed and ordered for me. He knew what I liked anyways.

“Everything okay?” Ryker asked, his smile slowly falling as he lowered his head to get a better look at me. To be honest, not really, but I wasn’t going to let him worry about me anymore. Again, I can’t keep leaning on people.

“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “What are we doing here anyways?” My voice came out a little mumbled, but Ryker heard it all the same.

“Graduation present. For the both of us I guess.” Ryker shrugged his shoulders, but I could tell he was hiding something else. I had no idea, but I guess I’ll figure it out. Plus, I didn’t even think about bringing a present for him. Was I supposed to? No, no time to feel guilty.

The lady came back around again, handing us our drinks and telling Ryker that she’ll see him tomorrow night for work while he laughed and nodded. I don’t know why I felt so insecure right now, but I just did. Instead of dwelling on that, I took a sip of my hot chocolate and stared out the small window next to us covered by fake vines and flowers. I wish I had more time…

“Nathan?”

I jumped at the mention of my name, nearly spilling some of my drink on me. Ryker chuckled softly above, a slightly sad smile on his face.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You’re jumpier than usual.” His free hand cupped behind me, but never touched. What was he trying to do? I have zero idea, but I shouldn’t waste what little time I had. I didn’t want him to leave. But I knew he would anyways. Maybe it would be a good thing if he does? No, no it will not. It really wouldn’t be.

“Yeah, I promise. I’m just a little tired.” I shrugged it off, taking another small sip. Ryker did the same, looking outside the small window. I sighed, internally crying while watching a few people walk on the sidewalk outside. Didn’t Ryker have to get home? It was already about to be ten, and we were getting drinks and sitting down together. Shouldn’t he be with his family? He just graduated too.

“What are you gonna do now that we’re out of high school?” Ryker asked, setting his cup down and resting his head on his crossed arms in front of me. I fidgeted a little before sighing and shrugging my shoulders, “I didn’t h-have a plan. Just get a job and hope for the best?” I nervously laughed.

“What about you?” I asked, seeing him think about his answer.

“Watch my siblings? I, um, can’t exactly go to college if I still have to watch over everyone.” Ryker laughed sadly. My heart sank. That’s not exactly fair. I think he deserves to go to college if he wants to. If I could I would help him, but I already know he wouldn’t let me. He’ll be leaving soon anyways. I’ll just be another name he remembers after today.

“I-I think you should.” I cheered him on while he blinked a couple of times, laughing along with me.

“Thank you, but It’ll be hard if I go. I can’t keep up with everything all the time.” Ryker replied, trying to hide the sadness in his voice. My heart throbbed. If only I could help. But I was just small. I mean, I can’t even get around their house anymore without any help. What makes me think I can handle taking care of five other kids while Ryker was focusing on college? I breathed out a shaky breath, my slightly trembling hands reaching for the little mug filled with hot chocolate. Just a few more minutes. Just a few more minutes before all of this goes away.

It stayed silent for a while. Be both had finished our drinks, there were only three other people here besides us to in the café. I didn’t want to leave. I did all of this for my parents, and now it’s going away. I made friends, I graduated, heck, I’m not even that scared of giants anymore. Well, maybe a little, but I was more talking about Ryker and his siblings. But I did all of this for them because they wanted me to live a normal life, and yet, I still can’t. What do I do?

“Nathan, are you sure you’re okay?” Ryker asked again, pushing his cup to the edge of the table.

“Mhm.” I nodded my head, doing the same as him and trying my best to keep the smile on my face going.

“Would you mind if I take you to one more place? It’s like a five minute walk from here.” Ryker asked, a slightly worried expression on his face. I shook my head, standing up out of my seat and waiting for Ryker to do the same. I climbed onto his waiting hand, sitting in the middle just as usual while I tried not to look down at the terrifying drop below me. I sighed, bringing my knees closer to my chest and burying my head. Did it really have to end?

——————

The walk was short just as he had said. It was a tiny park. It looked sort of abandoned. The grass looked like it hadn’t been cut for a while, there were some short vines latching onto the poles of the swing set and little parts of the slide. The lights were dim here, but it felt nice. The slight breeze that just barely ruffled my hair, how quiet this place was. How come no one fixes this place up? I feel like more people would come here if it looked a little nicer.

“I know it’s nothing special, but my parents used to bring me and my siblings here almost everyday after school,” He breathed, crossing his legs while sitting on a nearby bench, “It doesn’t look perfect, but it still has some great memories.”

I looked up, seeing how he smiled while looking at the park that was now covered in overgrown plants. My face heated up as I caught myself staring, turning back around and studying the sight. It doesn’t look bad at all. I liked it here. I liked everywhere Ryker has taken me. To that café, the little store that we went to just a few weeks ago, here. I sucked in a shaky breath, wiping away the loose tears that fell down my cheeks. I won’t get this feeling anymore…

“Ryker…” I tried my hardest to say it without him catching on that I was holding back tears, but of course he knew. He always did anyways.

“What’s wrong?” He held me a little closer to his face. I just shook my head, making sure he wouldn’t be able to see the water in my eyes. What was wrong with me? Why was I even crying?

I shook my head, biting the bottom of my lip. Why did he bring me here? Why did I say yes to this even? Why was I holding back my tears? I’ve tried preparing myself for months. I knew he was going to leave, and I’ve accepted that fact. So why was it so hard to believe it?

Ryker cupped his hand a little more. I didn’t know what he was doing, but I don’t care. I was going to cherish what little time I had left with him. He’s given me these happy feelings I haven’t felt in such a long time. The memories. Why did it all have to be stripped away from me again?

“Hey now, it’s alright, it’s alright. What’s going on?” Ryker tried comforting, a bit of a worried expression on his face. A couple tears fell down my face as I prepared my question that I needed an answer to.

“A-are you, um, g-going to l-leave me?”

A few second of silence was thrown between us as my heart threatened to jump right out of my chest. Ryker blinked a couple times before a soft smile appeared on his face, “What makes you think that?”

My heart was beating faster. Was that a yes or a no? I couldn’t tell. I brought my knees closer to my chest as I searched for my response. I was terrified. Not of Ryker, but of what the answer to this question. But my mind was already set on his answer, and I knew it could be entirely true.

“B-because I’m… me? I-I’m small and insignificant to you. Y-you don’t need me.” I buried my head again, covering my head with one of my arms and listening for his response. I didn’t want to look. I didn’t want to hear the words. Could I reverse time? Change everything that I’ve done to get to this point? Maybe then this wouldn’t be so hard.

“I don’t remember saying any of that,” Ryker held me a little closer, “Nathan, little guy, it’s okay. I promise I don’t think anything like that of you. I’m not leaving, okay?”

My heart stopped beating for a second as I peeked out, seeing his trademark smile. He meant it. He really did. I wiped away my loose tears, a nervous smile on my face. Now I was embarrassed. This was dumb. I was just being dumb. I thought I was getting the hang of controlling my thoughts, but apparently not. But still, my heart was beating fast. I was relieved at his answer.

“Well now I f-feel stupid.” I softly laughed, facing him while on my knees. I stared down at his palm, trying to calm my own heartbeat down. It wasn’t really working, but Ryker was just as patient with me as he always has been.

“It’s not stupid. I get it. A lot of people leave after they graduate. It’s fine.” Ryker explained, sighing and leaning back into the bench we were both on. I did the same, still wondering what we were doing here. My heart was still beating fast, but I finally had my answer, and that’s all I needed. Nothing else. I wouldn’t be alone anymore. Or at least for now.

“Nathan, could you turn around real quick?” Ryker had asked, fixing his position a bit. I did as he asked, almost immediately met with his lips softly being pressed against me. I fell on my back from the slight push, my cheeks flushing a bright red and my heart somehow beating faster than before. It was over before I knew it as I quickly sat back up, my body a little shaky as my hand went through some of my hair, a little surprised at the gesture. Did Ryker just kiss me?

My cheeks flushed a deep red, seeing Ryker a little worried but also blushing just as much as I was, “S-sorry, I-I’ve never… kissed a human. I-I, um, didn’t hurt you, right?”

A little squeak came out of my mouth. He kissed me. What do I do? Does that mean he likes me? I’m so confused. I mean I liked him. A lot. Am I mistaking my feelings for friendship? If that were true then why was my heart beating right out of my chest? Why was I blushing this much? I’ve never felt like this with anyone in my entire life. All I knew was that kiss was probably the best thing I’ve experienced in my entire life.

“N-no.” My voice came out like a whisper as I tried my best to stand up on wobbly legs on his hand. I bit the side of my cheek wondering if this was the right move, but all I knew was that this is what I wanted. All along. The way my heart would flip every time he said my name, or the way he would smile at me and his siblings. I was just so confused about it.

Ryker was confused at what I was trying to do before I stood on my toes, trying to return the gesture, even if he can’t feel it. He lowered his face as I planted a short kiss on his lips the same he did to me, hoping he would get it. My legs gave out on me as I backed away, seeing Ryker bite the bottom of his lip soon after he felt me back away.

I couldn’t think of anything else. Did he even know? Instead, a happy smile formed on his face as I tried to hold back a little laugh. I can’t believe we just did that. I can’t believe that this was even happening. This could all be some happy dream I’m having, but I knew it wasn’t. It felt real.

“I’m not… dreaming, right?” Ryker had asked, his face still a flush of red that was slowly going down. I shook my head, my heart beating amazingly fast. Good to know I wasn’t the only one who thought they were dreaming. But what do we do now? I’ve never been like this before.

“Do you want to go to your house now?” Ryker had asked, pursing his lips as he planted his shoes on the ground, getting ready to go. No. I didn’t want to go to my house anymore.

“Y-yours?” I smiled, in hoped that he’ll say yes. He laughed and nodded, taking the sidewalk back to his house.

——————

The lights were off in his house as he quietly walked to his room. He placed me down on his nightstand where all of my makeshift stuff was. He never threw them away. Just for me. What are we now? Are we still friends? I don’t even know how this works.

Ryker took off his hoodie, put on different shirt before turning on his lamp on his desk and turning off his lights. I stayed where I was at, wondering what I do now. I’ve never been in a relationship before. I don’t know how these things work. I don’t even know what to do. Was that bad?

“Are you tired?” Ryker asked, sitting down on his bed while moving the covers and pillows to the way he likes. I shook my head, I wasn’t really, no. Not after what had just happened a few minutes ago. I was still a little confused, but at the same time happy. He really wasn’t going to leave me.

“Well, I’m not really either.” Ryker laughed, bringing two fingers up to the part of his lower lips that I had kissed. Or at least tried to. I blushed a little. Was that bad?

I climbed onto Ryker’s offered palm as he sat up against the head of his bed. I was covered by one of his hands like a blanket while also laying on his chest. Oh my heart will never get a break today- But I wasn’t saying that it was bad. If anything, today was the best day of my life. Nothing could change that.

“Comfy?” Ryker laughed as I listened to his heartbeat, controlled and normal unlike my own. I didn’t know how to deal with any of this. I just snuggled up closer, hoping that it was fine. I was guessing it was when Ryker slid down, his head now resting on a pillow and his legs bent. Who knew that about a year ago I would have thought this was crazy to even think about doing, and yet, here I was. I was actually happy.

“You wouldn’t mind if I moved you, right?” Ryker had asked a hint of worry in his voice.

“No.” I answered, getting in a better position for him to move me in. I would move myself if I had known where he wanted me, but anything that I was thinking of was not what he was thinking. And it only made my brain fry for just a few seconds.

He lightly pinched me between two fingers, giving me another lighter kiss that practically covered my entire body before laying me back down. He laughed while I laid there, brain fried and flustered. I giggled a bit, snuggling closer and shutting my eyes. I’m glad to know that he likes me the same way I like him.

Maybe I don’t wish to reverse time after all.

——————

*Starts crying uncontrollably*

Thank you to everyone who’s read through all 13 chapters and stuck with me for so long! I appreciate every single one of you❤️

My first story is done though! Just in time for pride month too if you know what I mean :D Don’t worry, because I will definitely write some little scenes with these two in the future. How could I just throw these two away? NEVER.

Thank you everyone for reading, and I hope you enjoy whatever the next story will be. (I totally don’t already have characters and done some world building-) But thank you everyone!

Taglist: @da3dm

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umlewis · 3 days

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lewis hamilton is interviewed after fp2, canada - june 7, 2024 (transcript under the cut)

Interviewer: "Heya, Lewis. Well, I know you normally revel in these wet conditions, and you looked like you were absolutely on it pretty much on every lap I saw you on the tele today. How did it feel, and is that what it felt like when you were behind the wheel?" Lewis: "Yeah, it felt great! I was just raring to go, just every second. Kept telling the guys, I was like, 'Let's get out, let's get out, let's get out,' so I was rushing my guys. [laughs] 'Let's go, let's go.' Just to maximize time on track, whatever the conditions. This is a track where you just have to… It's building blocks, so it's about just getting as much time on track and understanding both conditions and also the changes they made to the surface, and also to some of the runoff areas and that, so… But it was a really good session, or good day. The car was feeling strong, so I thoroughly enjoyed the session." Interviewer: "Do you feel like you got to end the day with that confidence that you'd kind of hoped to build today?" Lewis: "Yeah. Yeah. I didn't, obviously, get to fnish my lap, but it was good." Interviewer: "And you mentioned the resurfacing, the extra bits, the runoffs are slightly different. All positive? Like, do you get a good vibe from this circuit today, with all that stuff?" Lewis: "I mean, this circuit is amazing. It's one of the best circuits. I mean, today's definitely an odd one. It was like a summer's day in the UK or something, you know? Where it was literally summer this morning, and then it rained, like hailstone. I don't even remember the last time I saw hailstone, but they were huge. And then sunny again, and really hot and humid, and then rain again, so yeah. If only we had started the day a bit earlier, we would have caught the two good spots in the day." Interviewer: "Just last question: Do you kind of get a vibe of where you're at this weekend? Do you feel good with kind of being able to tap the car and maybe fight the cars in front?" Lewis: "Honestly, it's too early to say. I feel like I'm in fighting spirits. I feel like the car is reacting to my inputs and, as I said, I feel really confident out there, so… But we won't know 'til we get out in the… Saturday is often a different day for us, but I'm hoping tomorrow's a good day. But I think in either conditions I felt really strong today, so I'm really hopeful. I do feel like we're at closer to the front this weekend."

#lewis hamilton #f1 #formula 1 #canadian gp 2024 #fic ref #fic ref 2024 #canada #canada 2024 #canada 2024 friday

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orchideae · 6 months

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🎄🥳🥂Merry Christmas, everyone! If you're like me and you celebrate the holiday tonight, enjoy the festivities, the foods and the presents! I hope you guys have an absolutely wonderful evening and/or night!!

#[ i wanted to get a bit of stuff done today; but i had too much prepping to do for the big family meal tonight. ]#[ and also honestly; the excitement has had me unable to focus! i've always loved the celebration here with my mother's family. ]#[ i hope to get some stuff done tomorrow instead. ]#[ have a lovely day/night guys!! ]#[ and us frenchies celebrate it on the eve; so here we are. ☺️😊 ]#[ it's almost 8 so it's almost time to leave. so have a good evening you guys! depending on food coma-- i may check in when back. ]#[ but no promises. ]#[ also my apologies to people waiting on discord! it's just been hectic. ]#[ ooc. ] don't try to make it logical or edit your soul according to the fashion. rather; follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.

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front-facing-pokemon · 1 year

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#manectric #i woke up at like noon today y'all i'm queuing this after work. i forgot about it all day and i was about to hop on totk #but i got the reminder to do it. so here i am. with manectric #el woowoo‚ if you will #a lot happened. yesterday. it was not a very good day. which is why i woke up so late. it was a little bit rough. but i guess it's a new day #so. it'll get better. planning on Not Doing Shit today or tomorrow to compensate for all the Bullshit that happened yesterday #hoping you all are doing well. one week from today (friday june sixteenth) i'll be hopping on a flight for the first time in 10 years #looks like according to the queue this will actually go up the day before we leave. so‚ to you guys‚ i'll be heading out tomorrow #which is scary a little bit. last time i flew i had no idea i was autistic‚ but now that i've come up with a lot of better accommodations #for myself and i understand myself a lot better and my needs‚ i'm realizing a lot of my accommodations just aren't gonna make it through TSA #plus it's a lot of unfamilarity with unfamiliar people and an unfamiliar environment which i feel like is gonna lend itself to sensory #overload like Immediately and i'm probably gonna get a headache bc that's how it manifests for me #so when we get there i'm probably gonna have to run to the nearest pharmacy. and grab some shit. which is annoying! so. i'm a little #worried. about the trip. NONE OF HTIS IS ABOUT MANECTRIC SORRY #this is a pokémon i have a hard time caring about outside of its involvement as the leader of the electrike in amp plains #that's about it #any tips from frequent flyers who are autistic would be greatly appreciated. not even just about flying but about like. going to unfamiliar #places on the other end of the country and stuff. i feel like that's what i'm most worried about even though i'm worried abt all of it #also hi i'm writing these tags from day-of. like the actual day this is going to post. me from a week ago sure did know what she was talking #about! anyway. i'm. gonna like. take my meds now goodBye see you all when this Posts in a few hours

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bbreaddog · 5 months

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#personal #certainly one of the strangest birthdays I’ve had #nothing happened #but like /nothing/ happened y’know?#it’s nice receiving bday wishes from ppl who know my bday #I hate getting them from ppl who take up less than 30% of my headspace usually #like it feels impersonal and like it’s out of obligation #there’s a school meeting tomorrow #none of my coworkers or my boss have said anything about my bday today which is good #and I hope to god no one finds out tomorrow #also a bit strange Not receiving bday wishes from friends I talk to daily #I’m not exactly one to advertise my bday #I actually met up with a friend a couple days ago and they asked me what’s been happening in my life #bc even tho we talk every day #they don’t know anything about me #which was pretty bizarre to find out #bc I thought I updated them on like #everything #do I really not talk about myself ever?#my best friend also has been asking me the same ‘what’s happening with you’ type thing every time we’ve met up #and like #I update our high school friend gc #but only one other person actually checks the chat so…#I never know how to answer when I’m asked what’s been happening recently #what’s worth bringing up?#what have I already said? or what haven’t I said rather #idk #it’s strange #I’m feeling a mix of complicated things atm #will expand later on

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mel-loly · 1 year

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-“Just a flower, in the middle of the field at night, a light is turned on and reveals.. A day arriving with confident hope and silent happiness!”🌹🐝

#for those who didn't get it.. today is my birthday! and so tomorrow is really the day of the party and etc..#that's why I put “arriving” because tomorrow is a really special and very important event in my life akzbskhzjsb #and yes. I'm cosplaying as princess bela. she's one of my favorite characters and her dress.. It's literally a dream come true for me!#because I'm really going to use one similar to this one tomorrow irl and-#I won't tell you guys more details because it's personal things but- well. that's a little explain of what the art is about!#I really feel very happy.. and I admit. I don't even know how to explain my happiness but.. well...#I feel special. surrounded by people who *really* love me and show true affection for me and..#that I just have to thank. for everything. I have gratitude for all of you! like- thank you very much. really. for everything..#I can't even express in words how grateful I am for each of you #know that I love and appreciate everyone who is still with me on this journey called life!#and of course- I couldn't forget to talk about him lol. thanks to mike!#I don't know what would have become of me if I hadn't met someone as friendly and good-hearted as him #he was always by my side and made me feel more special in every day. in a unique way and one of the most important to me..#I love him very much/p. and I hope that our friendship will be forever happy and respectful the way it already is!#(of course. this also works for the other friends I made here too- please don't get mad or jealous! I love you all. okay??)#and well.. that's it.#I hope I still stay here. that I enjoy my day and face any fear or harm that I might have ahead of me and..#that I just hope for the best. I put everything in God's hands and I feel confident that things will work out no matter what the cost!#thank you guys again for everything and happy birthday to me lol-💛#happy birthday to me #it's my birthday #mel creator #mel loly #cosplaying of beauty and the beast #i'm mel and this is my blog✌️#my art blog #art mel #art #my art #my oc character

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the-cookie-of-doom · 3 months

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for a while now, I've really been doubting my career choices with nursing. I know a lot of it is burn out and depression, and being so overwhelmed between work, school, and clinical, that I didn't have time to breathe. I was in the hospital/on campus for 60 hours a week last semester, and that's not counting the time I had to study outside of that. It was awful. I quit my job because of it, I was almost involuntarily committed because of it.

But the scariest part for me has been how much I've hated clinical. It makes me miserable. And that's terrifying, because once I graduate? That's what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life. So if I already hate it now, what does that mean for my future?

Sometimes, though... Sometimes I'll have a clinical that is just so good, it reminds me of why I'm doing this. Why I'm putting myself through the pain and suffering of becoming a nurse, which is honestly one of the hardest careers a person can have. It's mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. It destroys your body and your mental health. Most of the time it's thankless. It doesn't pay nearly enough for what we go through.

Despite all of the reasons there are not to become a nurse, there are some patients that will remind you why it's all worth it anyway.

Last week, I had a crotchety old bitch of a patient. She had been in the hospital for 10 days, was refusing all of her treatments, screamed at anyone that came in her room, and demanded dilaudid around the clock, despite having no injuries to justify it. Everyone hated her. Her own nurses went in her room as little as possible; I think in the entire 12 hours I was there, her nurse spent maybe a total of 20 minutes in her room. I was in there for hours. A couple minutes at a time in the beginning just so she could warm up to me. Then I spent 2 straight hours at her bedside just talking to her. Letting her tell me her life story. Which was tragic, of course, and no wonder she was so run down and bitter and wanted to get high off narcotics. She was miserable, lonely, and in chronic pain from a body that was deteriorating around her.

So I spent as much time with her as possible. Sure enough, she didn't ask me for any pain medications a single time, once she realized she could trust I was going to look after her. I Explained her medications and her treatments, and the reasoning behind them. I offered to reach out to out chaplain when I noticed she was hyper focused on some televangical broadcast. I got her to call her son to come visit her. I got her to agree to take her medications and allow us to take blood sample for her labs, which were days overdue. I got her up and working with physical therapy so she could start walking again.

By the end of the day, that patient loved me. Not a single complaint all day, she wasn't screaming down the halls and cursing everyone's existence. She was still crotchety and mean in that way old hillbillies are, but she wasn't angry. She wasn't lashing out. She was finally being cooperative. All because I took the time to talk to her and offer her company.

Tonight, I had a shift in our mental health unit. There was a patient who I noticed was very withdrawn and avoiding everyone, mostly just standing in a corner at the end of the hall, by a window. I went down and talked to him. Kind of stilted at first, but slowly he opened up to me. I really only meant to talk for a few minutes, mostly for my own sake, to get used to interacting with mental health patients like this.

Instead, we talked for hours. Nearly 3 hours straight at the start of the day alone, and then more throughout the day. My feet were killing me by the end of it, but it was completely worth it to see the way this poor guy came to life. We talked about everything from social topics like music and movies, to his medications and treatments, and how to manage his depression once he leaves. Something I was able to connect with him about on a personal level in a way his nurse hadn't, because I've been living with depression for a decade, I've been on antidepressants, and I understand. I think that was the point it clicked for him, when he really started reaching out to me, instead of answering when I prompted him. Because humans need connection and understanding.

By the end of the day he was talking freely and smiling nearly non-stop. We'd made plans for him to get back into an old hobby he hadn't touched in years, and he seemed genuinely excited to start it back up again. He was nearly bouncing in place when I went to say goodbye to him at the end of the night, and thanked me for talking to him all day. Even the staff nurses noticed the way his demeanor had completely changed.

Another patient (my actual patient for the night) started the day very combative. To the point she had to be redirected to her room (not locked up, just strongly encouraged to go and cool down). She was screaming at everyone, having some very serious and severe delusions. Same story; I talked to her throughout the day, little bits whenever she was feeling calm. I noticed she had a tattoo from an old semi-niche XBox game I used to play, and we bonded over that. By the end of the shift she loved me. Kept asking me if I'd gotten lunch/dinner, made sure all the other patients on the unit got their snacks, told us all to get some rest once it was curfew for the unit (we had to stay another 2 hours) and said we could use the spare bed in her room if we needed. Which sounds really weird but coming from her was incredibly sweet. Again, total attitude change.

I am very cognizant of the fact that the way I approach my patient care is largely a privilege of still being a student. It's easy for me to stand at a patient's bedside for 2 hours straight and listen to her life story when I have nothing better to do, let alone 3 other patients to take care of. But that nurse didn't talk to her at all. Even when she was in the room, she dismissed everything the patient said. The mental health nurses? Most of their time is spent in the nursing station gossiping and messing on their phones. There's no reason for them not to put in the extra effort of spending time with their patients. And especially there, it can have such an impact.

All of that is to say, I love the relationships I'm able to build with my patients. It's so important for me to be able to connect with people like this, to make them feel seen and cared for and important. No one wants to be treated like an inconvenience, especially not while they're in the hospital, sick and hurt and exhausted and in pain.

Nights like these are why I'm going into this field. I love medicine and I always knew I would end up in the hospital, I've always wanted to be able to save someone's life. But I think now that I've grown up and I'm actually working with these patients, I've come to see not only how rewarding it is to save someone's life, but to nurture that life, too.

#cookie speaks #dont mind me i'm just feeling really sappy #im really proud of what i was able to accomplish with that patient today #he's going home tomorrow and i really hope he's able to do the things we talked about #i truly love being able to help people this way #i want to be the kind of nurse that people remember #i want my patients to feel taken care of and cared for #i dont have a single maternal bone in my body and i never thought i was much of a caretaker #but this is genuinely such a rewarding experience #i dont care how hard nursing is when I get to have days like these #I know it won't be nearly as easy once I start nursing for real #ill have so much more responsibility #but for now I'm going to take advantage of my ability to sit and talk with my patients for hours at a time #i think even if they aren't psychiatric patients #everyone wants to be heard #having someone's undivided attention makes you feel good #especially in this day and age where people are constantly talking over each other and distracted by their phones and never really present #in a conversation #so I always try to give that to others #i love therapeutic communication lol #one of my favorite parts of nursing #anyway

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