#I have so much more to say about cal but imma try | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

weadapt · 11 months

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I think it’s interesting storytelling how in the beginning of the game Cal says the Sixth Sister’s name, Masana Tide, and reminds her of who she used to be—and it visibly distresses her because it hurts what was done to her and Cal isn’t wrong in what he’s saying. The shocking thing for me was the moment when Cal said “It’s time to set you free”. It was such a surreal feeling hearing Cal say that, those kinds of words, to know he decided it was time to strike her down; it’s understandable because she killed his entire crew, but for Cal to be the executioner in that way was scary to see coming after only experiencing the young kid he was in Fallen Order. Now you really get the feeling Cal has been through a lot, he’s grown as a man since Fallen Order and he’s calloused, not entirely in a bad way given he’d have to be to survive but still in a depressing way, as a result. I know overall and gameplay wise, Cal has killed a lot of people, it’s nothing new, but storytelling wise it’s a serious moment for Cal. It’s a moment you know is going to follow him the rest of the game for character development. After he kills her, it’s made clear by the music and by Cal’s body language that this isn’t a good thing coming from him. It isn’t a triumph. Even BD-1 knows and worries for Cal with his little “Boop…?” and Cal is only able to respond rather shakily, “Yeah… I’m okay”.

When he meets up with Bode and Bravo and they ask him what happened to the Inquisitor, he gives a simple, no emotion, “Dead”. The long pause of Bravo not saying anything in response to me says a lot; it feels like he isn’t used to Cal having a reaction like that.

Then we have Rayvis. Cal defeats him in battle and asks him to join in the fight against Dagan. He doesn’t want to kill Rayvis—“You don’t have to do this”. The oddly tragic part to me is that Rayvis has dreams of seeing Tanalorr again. If Dagan succeeds his dream will be realized, but he’s given up on the dream and wants a warrior’s death now. He wants to die, and in his mind, honorably, by Cal’s hands, and he’s going to force Cal to do it. But for Cal it’s another execution on his part. He pauses before he lifts his saber and kills Rayvis. It isn’t a triumph. Again we’re given a sudden swell of music to tell us the emotion behind the action of killing Rayvis. You can see it’s affected Cal badly. BD-1 seems to ask Cal the same question as before, “Boop…?” but this time Cal doesn’t acknowledge the question and just replies, “We should go”.

Killing Dagan hurts for Cal too. Dagan is a Jedi, someone who held onto the Order, who tied his entire identity to it and all of his goals are focused on restoring the Order and fighting to change the universe. Just like Cal in a way. Dagan is single-mindedly focused on the mission, so obsessively, he lost himself and the one he loved as a result. Cal understands and see the parallel of that kind of drive in his own mission against the Empire and it terrifies him. Dagan could’ve helped him fight the Empire but it became another tragic moment of having to kill a once fellow Jedi. This is another tragedy. Bode doesn’t care about Dagan being dead on the floor but Cal does. Cal has enough respect to place Dagan’s lightsaber on his chest. Cal pauses to reflect but Bode immediately gets back to getting the compass.

We have this interesting arch of reactions to killing his opponents. They were each killed for the mission. It was necessary. They each started the fight against him. No matter the reason though, it’s still very painful for Cal.

Cal is being pushed into this direction of forcing him to question his beliefs and who he is. His whole identity at this point has been tied to the Order, of being a Jedi, and it’s very clear by his conversations in Fallen Order that it really matters to who he is. By the end of Survivor, we have three fallen Jedi: Masana Tide, Dagan Gera, and Bode Akuna. So who is Cal Kestis? What will he become? Is he doomed to fall like they did? That’s what troubles him—“Let’s just say I don’t wanna end up like him [Dagan]”.

He’s afraid he’s going to lose himself.

The fear is almost realized when he’s about to kill another opponent. The one behind the murders of his friends and mentors. Cal’s been killing each of his main opponents up to the point at Nova Garon—this one will be no different. Except killing the man who sent Bode on the mission to infiltrate his team is different. Cal is on the edge of losing himself to the Dark Side. In Fallen Order he pleaded for Cere not to use the Dark Side because “She’s stronger than that”, “[she] still had a choice”. But Cal is failing to remember any of that for himself. He wants to kill because he’s angry, grieving, and in immense pain. Merrin has to bring him back—“This is not you!” There’s a question of whether or not Cal would’ve been able to stop himself if Merrin hadn’t been there though.

When we get to the final battle, Merrin is warning Cal of what’s likely going to happen but he ignores her for a while which prompts her to say, “Well? Say something!” He doesn’t want to acknowledge that Merrin is right and they’re likely going to have to kill Bode, and with that, taking Kata’s father away—a loss of family Cal and Merrin know too much about. So they both try and give Bode every chance to stop and turn away from what he’s done, despite how much Bode had hurt them. Sadly, Cal once again is forced into using the Dark Side to prevent Bode from killing Merrin. It was worth it. It was worth using it to save Merrin. He couldn’t let her be killed. He couldn’t see that happen before his eyes like he had with all of his friends and mentors.

After everything is over, there’s this sickly feeling left behind. Not simply because of Bode’s death, but because of the impact on Merrin realizing Kata has lost family just like she and Cal had, but also because of the impact the death of Bode has on Cal. And after Cal carries away Bode’s body, the music changes to an eerie, ominous, high pitch, minor key when we see Cal board the Mantis. The kind of change in music which lets the audience know there’s something seriously wrong. Things are different now. Cal’s different. And he knows it.

He’s lost in time watching the pyre, reflecting on everything that had happened but also on how grateful he is to Cere, but he knows the impact of her loss will continue to be with him for the rest of his life. Just like Jaro Tapal. Another guiding force in his life is gone. With Cere and Cordova gone, there is no longer any Jedi wisdom to seek out. He’s now alone in that way as a Jedi.

“I’m scared… I almost lost myself… I don’t know if I’m ready.”

Cal and the audience are left with the dreadful realization—

“I don’t know if I’m ready for what comes next”.

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callies-life · 1 year

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So, I am not one to share very personal things online but I think starting chatting on here to get things off my chest would be nice I guess? anyways Here's what I've been up to!

Today was my last day of outpatient at a psychiatry hospital near my house. I was inpatient for a week and so and then did php/iop for 5 weeks total. Now this is a lot of time considering that I am still in school. I am due to graduate next spring and I turn 18 this december. I was out of school for 6 and a half weeks. Now obviously I had a very good reason to be out of school and I have a letter saying all my absences were excused but that doesn't make up all the school work I have missed. I'm in some decent classes too! (Two college levels and a new language so fml) I have a meeting planned for monday the 6th to talk about returning. I am nervous because I have missed school dearly along with my friends. But there is this anxiety of the peers at my school that aren't so kind. They will have questions and I'm not so sure how imma answer quite yet.

Anyways I have this burning passion to pick up a hobby. I draw and rarely write but I don't do many productive things. I hate my art and my writing even more. other then that I just play games and watch various youtube videos while reading some angsty fanfic. But I really wanna find something I love. Something I can use to meet new and better people. I need more hobbies my mom advised me. She has a point.

(Quick tw for talk of eating and meds with a sprinkle of ed)

Also cool thing about my new medication is that i have lost alot of my appitite. You may say "Well Cal that seems awful you used to love food!" And to you I say no and yes. Yes i love food but i would use it to cope and eat way too much then goes day without eating and repeat. I would eat way too much food in a day that was awful. But now with a decreesed appitite i can eat reasonable and even smaller amounts then before. I am kinda excited for the weight loss. I cant do too much tho because I can't get sent to a hospital. I'll just eat when I am hungry. Simple.

Anyways that's about it! I will try to update you guys hopefully daily but if not i will get to you asap. If you have and cool hobbies besides being gay let me know! I'd love to try them!!! (also not being homophobic I am very gay and i think trans? Imma give it time to simmer first before tasting it but i did buy a binder :D)

Cya!

~Cal he/they

#disordered eating mention #mentalheathawareness #blog post #new blog #how do tags even work #help

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khaleesiofalicante · 3 years

Note

I’m reading chapter five of LBAF

Rafe with a motorcycle is wonderful. Should be cannon

Mark with a glitter card is unfortunately cannon. But he’s a broke bitch so we love him anyway.

Alec having a Consul voice that doubles as a sad voice is peek parenting

“Too bad we’re in exile” love that

“He wouldn’t be caught dead in one of those sweaters” HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA

Awwww. Tavvy!!

HES A COLLEGE BOY?!!!

They don’t care. Mostly because they’re dead inside.” Lol mood.

Also all the college classes are AP, why is Tavvy mentioning them?

Ldjfifydidhfufirurhdudhrh LILY LEAVE HIM ALONE!

Does someone have a crush~

Eekkk. Nevermind she’s terrible.

I just realized that they’re inside and I got so confused when they mentioned the tortillas. But like it’s day time. Why did I think Lily would be outside?

“Spicy”

“White”

Lamo.

No Rafe, get away from the grammar freak

What’s Anjail playing at???

Protective Rafeal!!!

Oh gosh!!! Please no love squares my heart can’t take it!!

Let short people wear boots. Just because you’re some freaky giant does it mean I have to suffer, let us be tall too.

Also can I get some of those boots???

BAD RAFE!!

Jace has adhd and I love him.

Why do I feel like you mentioned Rosemary just to hurt us??

So where is Max” *wiggles eyebrows suggestively*

I did not expect a G-Force reference in this fic but good for Dani!

THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!! Why are the Cartwrights here?? Can y’all stop playing the pronoun game and get on with it?!

FUCK NEVER MIND NERV MIND NEVER MIND NEVER MIND GO BAKC GO BACK GO BACK GO BACK GO BACK GO BACK RIGHT NOW IMMA GONNA SCREAM THIS IS SO TERRIBLE

CAN I SLAP THIS WOMEN PLEASE I WANNA CRY!!

YESSS 👏 CAL👏THIS 👏BÏTCH 👏OUT👏

Why are we mentioning illness in this fic? Get that shit away from me! I don’t need another plague.

“You can’t just give a shit about children when it’s convenient for you,” Uncle Jace said. “Now leave my institute or I will have to report you to the Council.”

YESSS

Poor Rafe though, people talking about him like this!!! It’s not right! Also does this boy even want to be council??? Max doesn’t want to be a Shadowhunter but does Rafe??

“We will not let this go,” Irene Cartwright said. “The law does not allow downworlders to adopt nephilim children. A warlock cannot raise a shadowhunter. It cannot be allowed.”

Fuck off bitch!!!

HOW DID YOU MAKE BEING TALL AGNSTY???

Aawwwwww. Max being a good brother.

They simply say something and leave. They probably don’t even mean the things they say or lose sleep over it. But it wasn’t the same for you. You obsess over it. You stay awake at night and let it consume your dreams

-okay but this is all too real. My therapist always asked me why I listened to other people, people who didn’t like me and it’s because they’re voice don’t go away. Negative attention sticks with us so much more than approve attention. The thing people say to us, they hurt and we try to adapt so that we don’t hurt anymore. But it doesn’t always work. Sometimes we hurt more.

😢😢😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Oh gosh!! Magnus talking behind the door hurts so much!! I can see him and Alec through the door. Hunched over with tear stains on their faces trying to figure out what to do. We can’t see them but we know they’re upset. The chapter started with Rafe trying to listen through a door and now he wishes he never heard a thing.

NOOOO!! DONT LEAVE!!!!

OH SHIT MAX IS GONNA BE DEVASTATED!! He legit might not dare David because of this shit. Because this is what his brain might associate with dating a Shadowhunters now and because of scandal and everything that’s going on it might make him close in on himself. Rafe’s definitely not trusting people after this. His walls are getting even higher than before.

MAX, YOU GREMLIN I DONT KNOW IF I WANT TO HUG YOU OR STRANGLE YOU

*sad dog noises*

Aww Juan and Juliette and their little werewolf Shadowhunter babies and downwarlder kids. I always liked their family.

Or Rafe will fall in love immediately afterwards and I was wrong. Also Milia is super cute and I love her and I feel like I’m gonna get hurt.

“You look taller,” Rafael told his brother who hadn’t grown an inch.

Rafe you shït

Aaawwwwwwww. Them reuniting is so cute!! Magnus bane is officially one persons bïtch. The rest of you have to figure out your own shit from now on.

Lol Tavvy

Also hopefully Max is a better driver than Alec

YESSSSSSSSSS. FINALLY SOME GOOD FUCKING LAWS!!

YALL DO THIS AGAIN IMMA BEAT YOUR ASS

“Do not compare us to Valentine,” Irene Cartwright sounded offended. STOP ACTING LIKE HIM

Lol Kit

Awwwww. Why must this family be so cute together!!

Imma fight this person!! Who’s calling my girl a bitch???

And so it begins. I don’t usually care about Romance but you’ve got my attention forever.

I love how you went from calling Anjali "terrible" to calling her "my girl."

Only character development I care about :)

#yeah this chapter was dsajdkjsdnsk #thanks for reading babes!#lbaf

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nooneactuallyasked · 3 years

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Diner Gal - Reggie x Reader Part 9

Requested: It’s a series, there are no requests here!

Word count: 1,877

Warnings: Cursing

Summary: Julie and the Phantoms ( + Flynn ) go to a musical diner/café/restaurant for inspiration and hopefully a future gig but they end up meeting a very special waitress.

Note: We love Reggie moments- Love our himbo the most! Told you I’d do it today lol

Oop, just remembered I forgot the taglist for the last part so Imma add that in a sec lol

---

Part 1 here Part 2 here Part 3 here Part 4 here

Part 5 here Part 6 here Part 6.5 here Part 7 here

Part 8 here

---

Y/N sat on a table, writing out the setlist for the next day, another job Cal had left for her to do and it pissed her off to no end. She understood having a bad day, sure it sucked but don’t take it out on your employees! She let out a breath she didn’t realise she had been holding and decided that as long as she got paid properly she would put up with pretty much anything.

She still needed to practice her duet with one of the guys, Josh, but of course, he couldn’t be here, just her luck. Obviously, she didn’t blame him, things happened, but everything seemed to be going wonky lately and all Y/N was some stability in her life, Cal was a different person all of a sudden, she more work than she could handle and top it all off she was developing feelings for a ghost. Scratch that, she has feelings for a ghost that she could touch but no one else could see and it honestly kind of scared her.

Y/N huffed, placing her notebook next to her before hopping off the table, it was clear to see that she wouldn’t get anything done any time soon.

“Hey, Diner Gal! It’s your favourite phantom, me!” Y/N jumped a bit before turning around, an exasperated smile on her face, “Hello, Leather Boy, nice seeing you again.” Reggie grinned, he loved hearing her voice, it comforted him and made him feel wanted, “So, what are we doing?” Y/N sighed, turning back to her notebook, “I’m stressing over a setlist and a duet I’m supposed to be practising for, but I don’t expect you to do the same.” Y/N grinned at him over her shoulder. A worried puppy expression clouded over Reggie’s face, then he thought of an idea that brought a bright smile onto his face, “How about I help you practice? I mean, I could sing the other part, girl or guy. I’ve been told I have an excellent Sandy impression, I’m especially good at Summer Lovin’ in case you were wondering.” He winked at her causing her to burst into laughter, a warm smile lighting up her face.

“Um, sure, you heard and Dear Evan Hansen?”

“Have I? Julie showed 1 song to Alex and he wouldn’t shut up about it, he kept making Julie play us those songs over and over and over again, I think I know literally every line by now. Alex swears that he is Evan but instead of Connor it’s Zoe who’s dead and that him and Connor are happily married with a puppy.” Reggie widened his eyes to emphasize his point, Y/N snickered, “What a terrible fate you’ve been succumbed to.” Reggie rolled his eyes, secretly admiring how carefree the girl before him looked, “I’m serious! My ears can recognize any song from 3 miles away!”

“Okay, so, do you know Only Us?” Reggie nodded, he knew that one especially well, not just because of Alex but because it was his personal favourite, it’s how he always imagined love would feel like, carefree, a little awkward but completely accepting and unconditional. It wasn’t something he had experienced very much of and certainly not in the way the song presented it but he hoped maybe one day he could experience it exactly how the song said, with Y/N. “Yeah, I do. Is that the song?”

“Yep. I’ll just put the backing on, thanks for this.” Y/N smiled before making her way towards the counter where the kept the tech stuff. Soon the familiar melody drifted out of the speakers in the room and Y/N made her way back to Reggie.

I don't need you to sell me on reasons to want you

I don't need you to search for the proof that I should

You don't have to convince me

You don't have to be scared you're not enough

'Cause what we've got going is good

Y/N was looking right into Reggie’s eyes and it honestly made his heart skip a good thousand beats, he felt like she singing directly to him, like he was the only person that mattered. She made him feel alive.

I don't need more reminders of all that's been broken

I don't need you to fix what I'd rather forget

Clear the slate and start over

Try to quiet the noises in your head

We can't compete with all that

She moved closer to him, raising a hand to push away a strand of hair from his eyes, a soft smile forming on both of their faces. She stepped back, wringing her hands in front of her.

So what if it's us?

What if it's us

And only us

And what came before won't count anymore or matter?

Can we try that?

She took his hand and raised it up to meet her own before intertwining their fingers, she smiled down at them before meeting his eyes, the awe in them shining through causing her to smile bashfully and look back down.

What if it's you

And what if it's me

And what if that's all that we need it to be

And the rest of the world falls away?

What do you say?

Reggie unlinked their fingers and poofed onto a nearby table causing Y/N to snicker as her nearly kicked a ketchup bottle.

I never thought there'd be someone like you who would want me

Well...

Y/N looked away, feeling more than slightly flustered, why was a song so much better at deciphering her feelings than her own mind!

So I give you ten thousand reasons to not let me go

But if you really see me

If you like me for me and nothing else

Well, that's all that I've wanted for longer than you could possibly know

Reggie poofed back down and held both of her hands, looking into her eyes. It felt like they were promising to be with each other forever, no matter what, just like in the song.

So it can be us

It can be us

And only us

And what came before won't count anymore or matter

We can try that

He pulled her into a hug, singing into her ear, she’d never been serenaded before and this was probably the closest she’d ever come to a real experience but Y/N swore that no one would ever understand how she felt. It was perfect, even though it was all just practice for a duet she was doing with some else.

It's not so impossible

Nobody else but the two of us here

'Cause you're saying it's possible

We can just watch the whole world disappear

'Til you're the only one

I still know how to see

Y/N sat on a nearby table, Reggie standing in front of her holding her hands tightly, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles.

It's just you and me

It'll be us

Heat pooled in both of their cheeks, this moment was special, no matter what happened after they both knew this had connected them. Y/N brought a hand up to his cheek and brushed her thumb over it, delicately as if it were a petal.

And only us

And what came before won't count anymore

Y/N got off of the table, letting go of Reggie’s hands causing him to feel slightly disappointed, he enjoyed the warmth that radiated from her like she was the sun. She was the sun that brought light to his world. She belted out the note and Reggie just stared in awe.

We can try that

You and me

That's all that we need it to be

And the rest of the world falls away

She went back over to him, once again intertwining their fingers before Reggie looped his arms around her waist and she wrapped her around his neck.

The world falls away

And it's only us

They stared at each other for a few more seconds before Y/N buried her head into his neck and Reggie squeezed her tighter. He was afraid, what if this didn’t work? What if they turned into his parents? But then again, what if they clicked and everything was perfect. That was a risk he wasn’t sure he could take but he was starting to come to the conclusion that it might be worth it.

Neither of them knew how long they stayed like that but eventually, Y/N moved away, “So, uh, I should get back to work, you know, things to do and, uh, people to please.” She chuckled awkwardly, how do you follow that up with casual conversation? “Oh, yeah, Julie and the guys are probably wondering where I am.”

“Right.”

“So, bye.” It came out more unsure and more of a question than Y/N had hoped it would but Reggie didn’t seem to notice, “Yeah, um, bye.” She stepped back and sent him a small wave and smile which he returned before poofing out.

“Well, wasn’t that just sickeningly sweet, I do so love it when romantic drama is added to the mix.” Y/N whipped around and was met with the same guy in purple she had seen just the day before. “Who are you and what are you doing here?” The man mockingly gasped, “How rude of me, the name’s Caleb, I’m a very special…friend of Cal’s” Y/N raised a brow in disbelief, “Oh really? How do you know him?” Caleb rolled his eyes, “Cal, are we friends?” Y/N frowned before spotting Cal walk out of the shadows, what the fuck was happening and why was it kinda terrifying. “Yes, we are.”

“Cal, what the fuck is up with you?” But Cal didn’t answer, he just stared, he stared into nothing, as if anything and everything didn’t exist and he was the only one there. She glared at this Caleb guy, “What did you do to him?” Caleb smirked and chuckled? Deep, scary laughed? Whatever it was it made Y/N’s skin crawl, no one should laugh like that and not get thrown into a bin. “I just gave Cal a little ultimatum and he chose well, so now I have a little, how do I put this, control over him.”

“Now I have an ultimatum for you too, you see, I’ve been giving you a gift, a present shall we say, but everything comes with a cost and so now I’ve come to collect.” Y/N shook her head in confusion, “What’re you talking about? What gift and what price?” Caleb did another weird chuckles thing that made Y/N roll her eyes. “Sweetheart, how do you think you can see those boys? Why have you never seen any other ghosts beforehand?” Y/N stuttered, it made sense but it still kinda hurt. “What’s your price?” Caleb smirk, “That’s exactly what I wanted to hear, and it’s simple really, I want the boys. And you’re gonna help me get them.”

That was not what Y/N expected, “What happens if I don’t?” Caleb’s expression darkened, “Well, you’ll have to get used to a life without your precious ‘Leather Boy’” He pulled a face at the nickname whilst Y/N stood there frozen in shock.

Well shit.

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Taglist:

@hereforthejatp

@slutforjjmaybank @morganayennefertyrell

@dxestars @dcnerd98

@ultraworthlessbitch @revolutionary-werewolf-ghosts

@underc0vercryptid-reads @miisacore

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pixelatedrose · 3 years

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read this and respond (if you’d like) when you aren’t in the car anymore, i don’t want you to get sick :0 !

you don’t apologize for not be able to write a lot! you didn’t have to answer my ask in the first place but it means a lot to me that you did :) also! i wanna say two things! one, i think i’ve said this before but i really like how you explain things. i’ve tried to learn how to play d&d and i think i’ve got a solid understanding of it, but it’s still hard when people say things like “10 AC”. but i don’t have to worry about that when you explain things cause you sorta dumb it down in a way that doesn’t make me feel dumb.. if that makes sense. two, i love how you showed callahan being healed in your drawing cause it just adds so much more weight to the picture. and i can’t even imagine how that fight was, dancing with death the whole time, that must’ve been so stressful. anyway! that’s about all, but you still have a lot of explaining to do (if you want and when you’re ready) mister >:0 i hope you had a lovely day and you enjoy the rest of your night, love you ro :)) !

1st: dw bout me answerin asks in the car lol I have no fuckin self control sksjshs

2nd: thank you sm m8!!! I know you've mentioned in the past that you don't play d&d or know a ton about it so I try and give little explanations where I can and it's great to hear that I do it in a non-patronizing way

3rd: heheheee okay so imma go into some more detail on the Callahan & Shade training session-

Okay, so.

To understand how we got to this point in time, we have to understand where he was

The party entered the Shadowfell- a mirror plane of existence where everything is contorted and dark and just about everything wants to kill you. This is where we were trying to get to when Callahan first joined the party.

Now Callahan didn't have a full grasp on what the Shadowfell was, really, when he went through the portal. The only one who did was Sylas, and by all the gods did he try to warn us.

Callahan was still so very very unprepared...

The very first fight in the Fell- one of the first battles Callahan has EVER been in in his life- he gets one-shotted by this monster and drops below zero hp.

When you drop below zero hp in d&d, you're Ina state of in between life and death, right on the cusp of either one and a breath's wrong move could send you toppling over the edge. You stay in this state of dying until one of three things happen. 1) you get healed. 2) you succeed three death saves and you stabilize. Or 3) you fail three death saves and you die.

Callahan had succeeded two saves, but he had also failed two. One last roll would have determined his entire fate, and I'm not known for having the best of luck when it comes to dice.

Sylas, our lovely amazing wonderful cleric boy, barely made it in time and slapped Callahan with a healing spell right after the monster died and he regained consciousness.

This...messed him up.

Callahan was absolutely shaken to his core at this very close encounter with death and he did not handle it well.

He got furiously angry, ignoring the fact that it was him that brought him to the Fell, and instead shifting the rage to the rest of the party and blaming them for his being there and, by proxy, his almost dying.

He...said some things...that shouldn't have been said. At least not like that...

And the worst part? It didn't get better. He was fitful and angry and upset at everyone for weeks.

Finally, Haru was done with Callahan's baby-bitchfit and when Callahan snapped at Monty (again), Haru got up and dragged Callahan out into the forest a little ways away from the rest of the party.

And what did he do?

Well he punched him.

Well, more than that. He told Callahan to fight back too. Soon fist-fighting turned into hitting each other with sticks, which turned into Haru having to tackle Callahan to the ground, leaving Cal the perfect opportunity to steal the dagger off his belt and ramming the pommel into his ribs.

Cal would like to say he won that fight. Haru would have something else to say.

After laying there on the ground for a moment, Callahan started to laugh. A sound that Haru had not heard in weeks, and one he didn't know he missed.

Haru explained that he wanted to teach Cal to fight so that what happened with that first monster? Where Cal nearly died?? So that that would never have to happen again.

Something about it- maybe it was something about Haru- calmed Callahan down.

And then it really hit him.

Oh fuck.

I've been a jackass for weeks to literally everyone.

It also started to hit him just how weak he really was in a fight if it ever came down to melee.

So they came back to the party together, Callahan happier than ever with little scrapes and lookin very roughed up (I won't say but the rest of the party did not in fact think they were sparring-)

Callahan apologized to Monty the next morning. The things he said specifically to him were...well...let's just say it hit harder for Monty than the others.

Monty wasn't as quick to forgive and forget. Callahan doesn't blame him.

However, that night Callahan and this new party member- Shade- were on a watch together. Now Shade is a much higher level than everyone else in the party, and is far far more powerful. He's a Hexblade Warlock, but he's also a fallen paladin (or cleric I can't remember) as WELL as a fallen Aasimar (kinda like a fallen angel but watered down). But...also probably a Shadow sorcerer?? Listen Shade is an amalgam of magic and power and idk where all of it comes from-

In any case, Shade is big powerful lad.

Now Cal and Shade are on a watch together, and Shade begins talking about Callahan's magic. He picks up a small opal stone from gauntlets he wears and focuses his magic into it. The opal glows with a black light and swirls with shadows of purple and black. He then hands the opal to Callahan and instructs him to focus his magic like he did.

When he does, the opal changes again, but this time, it swirls with bright, ever-changing array of fantastical colors. A rainbow of things that have never quite been seen before. It's extraordinary.

Shade explains that his own magic is that of the Shadowfell, it's dark and thus his magic is sewn from the shade. And then he explains that he's met other mages- ones with powers of the storm, magic of dragons- but he has never seen someone with magic like Callahan's.

Why?

Well, cause Callahan has pure, unfettered, untained, raw magic inside him.

It's an inferno of unbridled magic and it is completely and utterly entirely untamed. It cannot be controlled and it is as wild as the wind and earth itself. And sometimes, that uncontrollablity lashes out and surges forth, and sometimes things that Callahan doesn't exactly want to happen, happen.

And Callahan listens. And his heart sinks. Uncontrollable? Pure?? Absolute chaotic force of magic??? He can't stand the thought of not having a handle on his magic, because if he can't control it, how the hell is he supposed to use it to protect people??

He expresses this to Shade and the "older" man tells him that he can and should use this to his advantage.

At that moment, Callahan's magic goes wild and he surges. The wooden log they are sitting on, under Callahan's hand it starts to faintly smoke. Callahan doesn't notice, but Shade does. He cuts a small piece of rope and asks Cal to hold it for him. The rope errupts into flames and Callahan drops it in vibrant shock and distress.

Shade calms him down and explains that he can use that. He gets Callahan thinking. Asks how he can use this to help in in battle- he can set things aflame with a touch, for God's sake, what can he do to use that?

And Shade looks at Callahan's small scratches and bruises and scuffs on his clothes and turns and says "I know that look...you've been sparring, haven't you?"

Callahan nods his head. He says that Haru said he'd teach him how to fight, that he wants to- needs to- be stronger.

Shade asks if Callahan would like Shade to help him as well, help him learn how to use his magic to fight.

Callahan says yes.

They start small, Shade borrows Haru's sword in his sleep and gives it to Cal to use. Shade goes through the motions of explaining how he uses his magic to help him wear armor and wield weapons- how he manipulates the pull of power inside him into his blade, into his armor, how he makes them seem lighter and easier to use and wear.

And Callahan follows suit. He goes through the motions of swordplay, focusing and directing his magic into it. And slowly, it seems the blade gets lighter and light in his palm.

After a little while of this, Shade says that he would like to try something to really help Cal in the middle of a real battle. And he summons a demon.

Now, as Shade summons this demon, he explains that he has control over it. That the demon cannot do anything that Shade does not want it to do. The demon is not pleased with this.

In fact, with shadowy chains around its neck and wrists and ankles, it seethes and hisses and spits that it will tear and murder and shred Callahan and Shade to scraps. Shade reassures Callahan that he won't let it kill him. But he asks one last time if Callahan wants to do this.

And with a glance at this horrible creature with blood and murder in its eyes, Callahan's grasp tightens around his borrowed blade and he nods yes.

And so the fight begins.

Callahan uses his magic and filters it into the blade in his hands and tries to strike the beast. He hits it a few times, but the monster keeps hitting Callahan back, and he drops down to 1 hp.

As the demon cackles and pulls back for one final attack, Shade pulls down on the shadowy chains and restrains it. It howls in fury at this.

Shade asks Callahan if he wants to stop, that if he really wants, Shade knows a way to help Callahan keep going.

Callahan, bloody, sliced up, fighting for consciousness and blinking red drops from his eyes, hands on his sword in a white-knuckled grip, the blade digging into the ground as the only thing keeping him upright, looks Shade deep and deadly in the eyes, his goggles hung slightly cracked around his neck. His eyes have a burning flicker to them and with no hesitation to his words, he speaks. "I need to be better."

Shade takes a moment and the faintest ghost of a smile flitters onto his face and he says "That was the right answer." And he begins to heal Callahan with Greater Restoration.

Now, I could be wrong either with what the spell does or what spell he actually cast, but what happened with this spell was this: he could restore an incredible amount of hp to Callahan, but he would TAKE half the hp he restored as damage to himself. So if he healed Cal for 10 points, Shade would take 5.

This first time he ended up healing Callahan all the way back up to full.

And back to the fight they went.

This happened four more times, where Cal dropped below 10 hp and Shade had to stop to heal him for a moment.

Finally, Shade asked Callahan one last thing.

"I can do one more thing to help you learn the movement of battle, but it would mean releasing him. You don't have to do it, but-"

"You're wrong. I do have to- what would that make me if I backed down at the first sight of risk?"

"...you've made a good choice."

With that, Shade released the Demon, who was battered and torn and nearly as destroyed as Callahan himself, if not far far more. And he let out a ravenous cackle, full of craze and bloodlust and victory. And he looked Callahan directly in the eyes and told him "This is where you die!!!"

Four more rounds.

Callahan had messed up his magic once before in the fight and his magic had surged, giving him the ability to teleport short distances for the next minute.

And his magic messed up once again, poisoning a random creature near him. Luckily, it wasn't Shade, but the Demon was immune to poison anyway.

But as Callahan took hits, he dropped below 10 hp again, but there was no more looking to Shade for help anymore.

He took one last swing, a move of the blade that felt more dance-like than any sort of movement to kill, and he cut the demon clean a sunder- a trail of the blade that ran from one shoulder across to the bottom of its boney hip- and the demon let out a croaking, creaking, collapsing gasp of air that could have been mistaken for a strangled last cackle of defiance.

And then it fell over, a position of defeat that Callahan may have been had he not made the surer move.

And Callahan stood above it all.

Alive.

Alive and by his hands alone was his enemy gone.

Alive and by a blade he used with magic in his veins was he that way.

Alive and the victor over a demon.

Shade healed Callahan one last time, nearly collapsing himself from the loss of life energy. He managed to gain some of it back by summoning small imps that he then proceeded to suck the life out of, but it still took a bit of a toll on both of them.

They went back to the party where everyone lay sleeping, none knowing the exchange that had happened that night.

The spoke for a while longer, Shade telling Callahan of his past while casting the mending spell on his destroyed and torn clothes.

Their shift ended and they woke up the next pair for watch and went to bed.

And now did Callahan forget to tell anyone else about what had happened?

Yes absolutely.

Did Haru end up finding out because 1) Callahan had a fresh magical scar on his cheek and 2) Callahan forgot to give Haru back his sword?

Yes absolutely.

Was Haru pissed off that Callahan basically almost died multiple times and go into full protective boyfriend mode after he found out?

Yes absolutely.

Anyway long story time but I hope you liked it ;D

#spooky-scary-bumblebees #Bee!!!#the Weave of Silence #Callahan McBlithe #Shade Walker #ask me things #LISTEN I REALIZE I HAVEN'T BEEN THE BEST AT UPDATING Y'ALL ON THE ONGOINGS OF THE WOS CAMPAIGN #BUT ITS REALLY FUCKING COOL I PROMISE #i mean this is literally something that happened IN THE GAME so yeah I'd say its pretty killer #anyway sorry for the long read but i hope it was worth it !!!

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cal-puddies · 4 years

Text

mine || calum hood

an unintentional addition to the morning series. This actually stems from @kindahoping4forever and i trying to figure out what pants calum was wearing in all of those photos with his bass... and it just... fell into this.

Duke was insistently licking your face which meant one of two things, he was out of water or he needed out. Judging by the sun streaming in the windows, you assumed he needed out.

Cal clearly wasn’t moving anytime soon so it was up to you.

“C’mon little man.” You mumble, pulling the covers back and getting out of bed.

You take Duke out, and since the pool incident, someone always had to be out with him. You waited patiently for him to go and thought about last night. Cal was freshly home, which meant a long night of talking and not long enough night for physical. Even though you were on each other till the wee hours of the morning.

You and Duke go back inside, you check his food and water bowls and grab a glass of water and head back to bed, because you are still exhausted.

Cal’s stirring and he can hear you in the hallway. “Where’s my baby?” He calls, his voice thick and deep with sleep.

“Eating his breakfast.” You murmur, coming in the room.

Cal’s laying on his back, gray sweatpants hung low on his hips. You knew it was just the gray sweatpants because you’d watched him put them on when he took Duke out just before bed. But you can also see he’s very hard, his pants tenting up.

“I didn’t mean him. I meant you, little one.” He smirks. He knows that just the sweatpants is killer, but mixed with his morning voice? You won’t say no to anything about to come out of his mouth. “I’m so hard, little one… think you could put that pretty mouth to work?”

You’re already halfway to the bed without even realizing your moving. Once you’ve got one knee on the bed Cal moves and wraps his hand around the back of your neck, pulling you into a kiss. You’re the first to pull back, but only briefly, your lips connect with his neck, and you carefully kiss down his chest and over his stomach. You very gingerly grasp the waistband and slowly pull them down, freeing his cock, which was straining painfully against the fabric.

“What got you so worked up?” You tease, running a finger up his shaft, “dirty dream maybe?” You gently jerk him, and he lifts his hips so you pull the sweatpants down further. “Hope it was about me.” You wink.

“F’course it was darlin.” He cups your face.

There’s a small gasp from Cal’s lips, you let him adjust to the cool air before breathing onto the underside of his cock, letting your hot breath hit it. You feel his body tense up before he relaxes under your fingers. You kiss up his shaft and take the head into your mouth. Cal lets out a breath through his nose and his nostrils flare. Cal thought you wouldn’t tease but he was wrong. You weren’t even trying to take him in your mouth… but then he realizes what you're doing. The head of his cock is in your mouth, and you are now slowly dripping spit around his cock. You pull your mouth off and slowly tug on his cock, spreading your spit, and then you tongue his slit. He tangles his fingers in your hair.

He’s vocal and you love it, “so good baby… just like that… oh fuck.” He moans. His fingers tighten and you grin, and let out a little moan, mostly for his benefit. You take as much of his cock in your mouth as possible and keep playing with him, stroking the rest of his cock.

His body tenses, and he grips tighter yet, “such a good girl… holy shit…”

There’s a pop when you pull off, “quick one today, huh?” You tease, your thumb stroking along the bottom.

“We’re just getting started, but you know what it does when you do that spit thing… please baby.” He whines.

Though you love his whines, you knew you were teasing a bit too much. So you set back to work, sinking your mouth down his cock. He groans and it’s very throaty, but he stops you from trying to deep throat, “I can’t take it baby.” He murmurs, eyes meeting yours, “I’m already too close.”

You know what to do to finish him, which judging by his grip in your hair and his white knuckles tangled in the sheets, is needed now. So, a couple flicks of the wrist, your mouth around his head and tongue working his slit, he cums. And he cums a lot. Which was surprising with how much you guys got up to before bed.

You do your best to swallow as much as possible, because Cal likes that and you don’t do it all the time. And Cal can’t wait, he pulls you up and watches you finish swallowing and then presses his mouth to yours. “God Damn you are such a good girl, you know that?” He mumbles, kissing you harder. But Cal doesn’t stop there, pulling you up further, feeling between your thighs, “no panties? That’s perfect, let me taste you.” You can’t even argue before he's hoisting you over his face.

“Calum!” You squeal.

“C’mon baby… you knew I’d want a taste.” He wraps his arms around your thighs and pulls you down, slicking his tongue through your wetness. You let out a sigh and relax, looking down at Cal and threading your fingers into his hair. Cal loves you on his mouth like this, for whatever reason, you come across as even sexier than when you ride his cock. “That’s it, my queen.” He murmurs, his lips and light stubble adding to the sensation.

Cal enjoys every minute of you on his mouth, pulling his hair, pulling your shirt off so you can play with your breasts. “Calum.” You whine, yanking hard on his hair as his fingers push into you, curling into your g spot, “fuck, baby.”

You feel and hear him chuckle, he gently pushes you up off of his face but keeps his fingers working you, “you ok pretty girl?” He watches you nod emphatically, “what’s wrong, then?” He’s smirking, you can feel it against your thigh, as he presses kisses, and nips at the flesh.

“Cal, I want your dick.” You bounce a little on his fingers, thinking that cal wouldn’t be able to resist a full session of you bouncing on his cock.

“Mm mm baby, not yet. You gotta cum on my tongue.” He sucks a quick hickey into your thigh.

“Please Cal!” You whine.

Cal pulls you back to his mouth, his tongue stroking up into you, next to his fingers.

“No no no nononononono.” The whimpering starts, you can’t help it, Cal’s too skilled, knows just what to do to get what he wants, which seems to be the theme of the morning. And you can’t help but ride his face, even a little, and cal goes on to encourage you by smacking your thigh.

Cal wraps his lips around your clit, sucking it, flicking his tongue over it, he feels your body tense up and then relax and give him what he wants, he hums against you, and cleans up your juices with his tongue before lifting you back off his face and laying you next to him. “You know you’re my favorite thing to eat?” He asks, smirking at you. His lips press to yours. “Thank you.”

He’s moving around a little but you aren’t paying attention because Cal was giving you the most, and then he’s lifting your thigh and pulling it over his hip, pushing his cock as deep into you as he could go, right away. Your head goes back and the quiet moan is everything to Calum, his lips press to your neck, leaving a trail of open mouth kisses on your skin.

It’s quiet, save for your moans and his. He slowly works his hips against yours, savoring everything about your sounds and the way your body moves, your lips parting as you sigh about how good he feels. Cal brings his fingers to your lips, touching them so softly.

“Cal.” You whisper, and he loves the way his name falls off of your lips.

“Darlin’.” He sighs, “you’re amazing.” He whispers back.

“Love you.” You moan. Cal loves it. It took him a while to share his feelings and he likes how for you it’s always reserved for him and only him. You never say it in front of anyone… and that may worry anyone else, but cal loves it.

“I love you.” He whispers back, reveling in how your love radiates from your body. “Just needed your closer.”

“Never close enough.” You confirm, throwing your head back against the pillow with another moan.

It quickly leads to you both orgasming, and as cal fills you, you vaguely remember the recent conversation about not using condoms anymore and what that meant for you, cal telling you he was all in for everything with you.

You can’t help but pull him closer. Even though he’s in you and couldn’t be closer at this moment, you do your best.

“I need real food.” You murmur, nose to nose. He gently rubs the tip of his nose against yours.

“I need to give you anything you want right now.” He says quietly, kissing your nose.

“Breakfast burritos…. and mimosas…. or whiskey…?” You giggle.

“Anything you want… I’ll make it.” He promises. Cal’s careful as he pulls out, kissing you while he does so. “I’m gonna need you to put pants on… you’ll be too distracting.” He smirks. “But imma clean you up first.” He promises. He comes back quickly and uses a warm cloth to clean his cum from you, he finds a pair of his underwear and pulls them on, followed by shorts, and then he gets you panties and a t shirt and sweatpants. He watches you dress yourself and he pulls you into him as you head to the kitchen. “My love.” He kisses your forehead.

“Can I ask you a question?” You ask, perching on the nearby counter as he mixes you both drinks.

“Always love.” He glances and smiles at you.

“Why don’t we hang out with your friends more? They seem so important to you and then you come home.” He notes the sincere curiosity.

He hums, and he thinks on it, not just jumping in to respond. “Well… you’re mine.” And he stops, thinking about how that sounds, “not that I own you or anything. I just… I share so much with them, and sometimes I just… want something that’s for me.”

“I’m always for you.” You gently grab his bicep.

“I know baby, it’s not you. I just wanna be selfish with something. They know you in passing and from events, and I don’t want them to feel like they have access to you… I guess?” He tries to explain.

“I hear you. But they probably think I’m keeping you to myself.” You pull him into you.

“Let them.” He finalizes, kissing your cheek.

Others in the In The Morning Series:

mine || calum

can we always be this close || ashton

an indentation in the shape of you || calum

butterflies, the beautiful kind || michael

Taglist: @cocktail-calum @1dthewantedlove @september09241994 @youngblood199456 @lustingforwunder @calumsphile @neso-k @rosecoloredash @radmcqueen @justayoungandwisefangirl @itsnotmyblood @softboycal @lietoash @pushthetide21 @5sosfanficrec @therealmrshale @fallfrxmgrace @lukashemmos @justarandomgirlthatyoudontknow @5sos-microwave @madbomb @sweetheartmendes1000 @literally-anythin @lfwallscouldtalk @clemmingstylins0n @ccnicole02 @lustingfor5sos @buteverythingiscopacetic @rosesfromcth @bodaciousbonzi1996 @ashtontotheirwin @captainam-erika-trash @xxgendurvikixx @jazzyangel242 @loti18 @bluebabycal @rhiannonmichellee @iovehemmings @glitterycalum1205 @katcontreras

gc tags: @sublimehood @sugarcoated-pain @5sosnsfw @angelbabylu @aspiringwildfire @irwinkitten @lashtoncurls @myloverboyash @singt0mecalum

masterlist || ashton || calum || luke || michael

wanna be tagged? go here

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ms-marmar · 4 years

Text

imma start posting easy meals or food ideas that I have on here, so here we go

Sautéed Spinach in Oyster Sauce (~150 cals)

Y’all this is legit what it sounds like. Spinach is truly a lowkey slap, if you still don’t like it after trying this then issok, maybe substitute the green with something else you like more! Literally works for anything. So basic I don’t even wanna be saying this like issa recipe xD

So I never actually measured this out, but ik roughly how much stuff I used (and this in particular instance I made quite a bit of a serving ^_^ it looks like a lot but wow not a lot of cals!)

Also I googled the rough caloric estimates, pls let me know if you have smth more accurate for these ingredients!

Ingredients

1/2 large onion (or like a whole small one) ~40 cals

5-10 grape tomatoes, however you u want, they’re about ~1.5 cals each

3 cloves garlic ~12 cals

3 cups spinach (tbh I did not measure how much I used; it looks like I put a lot cuz spinach shrinks so much, so the more the better tbh! And besides 3 cups isn’t that many cals) ~20 cals

Salt ~0 cals (woo!)

2 tsp pepper ~12 cals (you can ded add more to ur liking)

Optional: 1tsp garlic powder (~10 cals), onion powder (~8 cals) (you can def add more to ur liking)

now I be seeing some of y’all worried about spicing up ur food and I’ll say that the garlic n onion powders r optional here since u already have the physical ingredient in non powder form, but y’all spices r frens 😩 theyll make ur food taste better and sometimes a little goes a long way. In addition, there’s lots of spices out there with health benefits, like ginger, rosemary, cumin, cinnamon, BLACK PEPPER, rosemary, etc!!)

2 tbsp Oyster sauce ~30 cals (oyster sauce can have a strong flavor sometimes, so you can def reduce this then add more as needed; in fact, I might recommend you do 1 tbsp, taste, then go from there)

So you first gonna sautée the onions on medium heat till they become a bit more translucent (like a few minutes). Then add ur garlic n tomato! And then sautee those a bit.

THEN add sPINACHHH. Ik it looks like a lot but look how much it shrinks! Cook it until it gets to the second pic below

Add the oyster sauce and stir it in for a bit then!! You’re done!! Amazing. ALL of that is part of the calorie count, too.

I’ll often eat it wth a boiled egg or something (~16 cals for egg white, or ~78 with yolk; either way, doesnt add too much!)

Stay safe lovelies and I hope you enjoyed <3 hydrate!!! And treat yoself!! U deserve it >:( 💕

#tw #food #recipes #eating disorders #low cal #pro recovery #tw eating disorder #ana #mia #not pro just using tags #pro ana #pro mia #eating disoder recovery #relapse #recovery #binge eating disorder #osfed #ednos

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mulletcal · 4 years

Note

ashton and number 19 with a little girl?

imma make it a lil angsty but comin in hot w more fluff after hope you don’t mind sweet anon

19. “You are perfect, my little [pet name].”

this is also gonna be a different kinda universe from

not sure if i should put a warning before but to be safe: mentions of insecurities in regards to looks, self esteem issues.

——-

Ashton loved being home from tour, because he got to spend time with his daughter. He would often offer to take her to school, and pick her up so that Mama didn’t have to worry about leaving work on time, and she could sleep in in the mornings.

When Ashton would pick her up from school, she would greet him with a big hug, her friends waving to him before they’d head home and she would tell him all about her day, and what she learned about.

Ashton loved music, sure, but listening to his daughter be passionate and happy was better than any music he had ever heard.

Today, he knew something was off as soon as he saw her walk out of the doors to the school. Instead of her normal, bubbly self, her eyes were downcast, and she was dragging her feet ever so slightly.

“Hi darlin’ how was your day?” Ashton asked softly, brushing they honey coloured curls out of her face, eyes looking down at her with concern.

“Okay,” she shrugged, giving him a gentle hug before heading to the car parked behind him.

Ashton didn’t press on the way home, but his daughter remained silent which was so out of character for her. He couldn’t stop the worry tugging at his heart strings though, and he decided that he would make them some tea and talk about what was going on, if she was willing.

He didn’t question when she shut herself in her room as soon as they got home, Ashton quickly going to make some tea, as well as warming the cinnamon rolls Mama had made that morning for him. Ashton loved sweets, but he knew his daughter loved them more, never being able to turn around a sweet treat.

Ashton was precariously trying to balance the tray in his hand, desperate not to spill the tea on himself as he knocked softly on his daughters door. When he received no answer, he opened the door anyways, at the very least to make sure that she was okay.

What he saw tugged at his heart strings even more - his daughter, his beautiful, bright, sweet daughter was sat on her floor in front of her mirror with tears streaming down her cheeks and her mothers makeup sat in front of her.

“My love, what’s the matter?” Ashton asked immediately, setting down the tray and going to sit on the floor next to her.

“I’m ugly,” she murmured, swiping at the tears on her cheeks, smearing the foundation slightly that revealed her flushed cheeks.

Ashton’s face dropped, eyes widening in concern, “I’m sorry, what?”

“My freckles. They’re ugly. They make my skin look uneven, and all my friends laugh at them,” it came out as a whisper, pulling her knees up to her chest.

Ashton was opening and closing his mouth, trying to figure out where to start - aside from the rage that began to burn in his chest at how cruel preteens were. How dare they make is beautiful girl feel so awful?

“You are perfect, my little love-”

“You have to say that, you’re my dad.”

“Now listen,” He started, placing his hand on her knee and motioning for him to turn to face her. Sighing, she complied, wiping the last few tears away that threatened to escape. “I may be your dad, but that also means I get to see all the best parts of you. Yes, you have freckles - but there are makeup trends going on right now of people who wished they looked like you, and you’re so much more than just your looks. I may be biased, but I think you’re absolutely stunning. Your heart, your mind, and each little spot the sun has kissed you on this little face of yours - is stunning… And I will fight a 12 year old if they think otherwise.” His words were finished with him squishing her cheeks, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead.

More tears flowed this time, but it was because of the love she felt from her dad warming her heart and taking away some of the pain - just like dads do.

“Now - I have made some tea, and heated up some cinnamon rolls. We’re going to discuss the best ways to keep our confidence up when things get tough with others, okay?”

The two talked for another hour before eventually they fell asleep in a brief nap, Mama coming home and grinning when she saw her two loves asleep curled up together, joining them on the opposite side of their daughter and placing a kiss to her hair.

tag list: @cals-wildflower @talkfastromance4 @softbabiestan @roseycal @calum-uncrowned @boyfriend-cal @wildflowerirwin @irwindoll @gosh-im-short @atlcalm @thesubtweeter @heavenisapeach @ridingcthood @loveroflrh @wokeupinjapanisabop

#ashton irwin blurb #dad!ashton #ashton irwin fluff #5 seconds of summer fanfiction #ashton irwin fanfic #dad!ash

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tarisilmarwen · 4 years

Text

Writer Tag Game

Tagged by: @findswoman. A hearty thank you, I’ve been enjoying these.

Author Name: Pretty much Tari Silmarwen everywhere.

Fandom(s) you write for: The biggest most primary ones are Star Wars (specifically Star Wars Rebels), Teen Titans (the 2003 animated cartoon), and Avatar: The Last Airbender. Other biggies are/were Lord of the Rings and the general DCU. I’ve dabbled in a smorgasbord of others here and there, by that’s mostly what you’ll get from me.

Where you post: Ao3, FFnet, and for certain things here too.

Most popular one-shot: Going by hits/kudos/review ratios it looks like it’s Paternal over on Ao3 and Unwelcome Surprise on FFnet.

Favorite story you wrote: Hhhhnnnngghh that’s a hard one. I’m obviously a little biased towards my current WIP “Shatterpoint” right now, even if it’s not finished yet, and I’m still really proud of a lot of the work I did in “Titans Tales”, though I think I like “Sides of the Coin” more.

Honestly though, I’m going to have to go with “Mal Nocturne”. I dunno it just came together so well, all the descriptions were vivid and immediate, there’s not a single part I’m unhappy with. If I wanted to really nitpick maybe I’d say the imagery could be a little stronger in some places but overall I’m just really really proud of my work there.

Story you were nervous to post: “Mal Nocturne”. Mooooostly because of the dark subject matter, let’s be honest. You always want to be careful with things like that, you don’t want it to come off as exploitative or insensitive.

How do you choose your titles? I think about the contents of the fic and usually go with something straightforward but not too on the nose. A lot of times it’s something thematic about the work itself (e.g. “Sides of the Coin”) and it usually helps convey the overall tone and mood of the story (e.g. “Potato Pieces” is mostly light-hearted fluff and gen whereas “Stand-Off” is pure angst.)

And then for fics that are in a series I try to do titles that thematically match. The Mirrorverse series (”Cracks in the Mirror”, “Splinters”, “Shatterpoint”, and the later unwritten “Reflections” and “Swept Pieces”) all have this sort of glass/breaking glass kind of theme going on.

How many of your stories are complete? Out of seventy total posted? Sixty-five. Most of them one-shots.

In progress: Current ongoing published WIPs are “Shatterpoint“ and “The Girl In The Iceberg”, and then one-shot collections that get updated whenever I feel like it or whenever I have a good idea are “Fate Stay Fairy Tail”, “Fate/StAy-U”, and “Date Night Drabbles”.

Coming soon: Jeez, it’s a list.

Star Wars/Star Wars Rebels - A couple Sabezra 5+1s, a really sad “Yoda dies in the CW” fic that the Jedi Discord inspired, a couple Rebels/Jedi Fallen Order crossovers (a “Cal Meets Ezra” shortfic and “Ezra as Cal’s apprentice” longer AU), another long Ezra vs Maul apprentice AU series (this one branching off from “Twilight of the Apprentice”), and miscellaneous oneshots/shortfics here and there.

Teen Titans - A sequel to “Side of the Coin” (called “Shades of Crimson”) plus a backstory fic for the Teen Tyrants, a super angsty “Titans rescue Robin from Slade” recovery fic, and so so many AUs. You got the Pacific Rim AU. You got the Fate/Stay Night AU. You got the Star Wars fusion fic AU, which in true Tari fashion spiraled out of control to be a whole-ass series. I might even eventually throw the Hunger Games AU on the pile there. Plus as always the occasional whumpy oneshot where I torture Robin. XD

And the husband is absolutely tormenting me with the idea of a Fate/Stay Night/Violet Evergarden crossover and hhhhrrrrrrrrggghhh Imma have to do it it will hurt SO GOOD.

Upcoming story you’re most excited to write: I’m actually most looking forward to the reactions on the “Yoda dies” oneshot right now.

Do you accept prompts? Sometimes! They’re closed right now since I don’t want to overload my plate but I have taken them before.

Top five favorite authors: In no particular order...

Kryalla Orchid

IrvingZissman

LibraryMage

Rena Redhead

HannaSedai

Tagging: @starfiretheninja, @fireflyxrebel-writes, @nightglider124 and anyone else who wants to do this really.

#askbox #meme #adventures in writing

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where-dreamers-go · 4 years

Text

Asked myself...

"GIVE ME TWO FICTIONAL CHARACTERS AND I'LL TELL YOU WHICH ONE I'D RATHER DATE" (from reblog)

I've been thinking about this for a while. Like while eating toast and washing a couple of dishes. Here I go! At random while typing.

Ahkmenrah or Kylo Ren? Well, one is a mummy who comes back to life every night while the other was lured to the Dark Side. Imma choose Ahkmenrah because he's really nice, great dancer, helpful, and seems really fun.

Charlie Weasley or the Grand Inquisitor? Well, Quis is quite the interesting Force user who hunts down Jedi and Charlie works with dragons. Imma go with Charlie because firstly I love dragons and secondly: Why wouldn't I choose Charlie???

Jonathan Crane or Sam Winchester? Uh.... don't tell Sam, but can I have a few dates with Jonathan and see how it works? Also... isn't dating a Winchester like attracting danger?

Cal Kestis or George Weasley? Why am I making this harder? Ummmmmm....stalling....I love them both though. But, I would choose Cal because he is a precious human being who needs love and support. He'd be fun to hang out with. (When they're older obviously.)

Merlin or Loki? OKAY. One long discussion later and here I am. They are both fun, loving, social, mischievous, powerful, and caring. BUT, Merlin has/had A LOT of grief and loss of his loved ones in his life. That is a lot to handle, plus that was HIS LIFE! It didn't turn out the way he wanted and Merlin is carrying that around for his immortal life. Pre-season 5 would just mean I'd be paranoid of Arthur if I wanted to date Merlin. I would date Loki because it would be more emotionally fair for me, healthier than trying to even patch or fill a small piece of Merlin's broken heart. Plus Loki loves to read and I think it'd be both chill and fun dating him.

Stephen Strange or Steve Rogers? Okay~ um... Steve Rogers because our personalities would fit better. Steve is more grounded and we could draw together!!!

Poe Dameron or Snake Eyes? (My sister keeps giving some options) uh, hmm. You would think I would pick Poe, but I wanna say Snake Eyes. Not just because he's a ninja! He seems really chill and friendly.

Thrawn or Eli Vanto? (Brandi why did you ask me this???) I've only read the first book, okay. That's it. But I would 100% date Thrawn. Not just because I'm an artist and he respects art so much! Maybe a little. Also he's so intelligent and has a unique view of the universe. Or rather, how to view the universe.

Obi-Wan Kenobi or Tadashi Hamada? *mentally flips a coin* Tadashi! An intelligent, fun, and caring man. Also positive personality who wants to help others. Sorry Obi. Kisses.

TMR Newt or Newt Scamander? (Gee...thanks Brandi for asking.) Ow. So~ I'd date Newt Scamander. I love animals. He loves animals/magical creatures. He's super sweet and caring. He's a Hufflepuff. I'm a Hufflepuff.

Lindir or Haldir? (Brandi how dare you!!!) Yah girl would date Lindir! Do elves date? ...no? He's a hardworking elf who probably needs a day off. I'm here, sweetie. (Wow, I should go to sleep.)

Bodhi or Gwaine? *questions if I'm offended that I have to answer this* I would date Bodhi because I'm not sure if could handle dating Gwaine. Not in a bad way, but like could I handle that much charm and flirtations? Bodhi is a bit more in the soft, cuddly range than the 'Imma sweep you off your feet in 2.8 seconds'.

Armitage Hux or Wong? Don't tell Wong, but I'd go on a date with Hux first. I would take Wong out for ice cream though. That'd be fun. So, I guess I picked Hux.

Percival or Bernard? Well, Bernard is an elf and probably taller than I am. Um, I'm not an elf nor immortal. Also: Sir Percival! Tall, cuddle-waiting-to-happen, helpful, fun, protective, and caring Percival.

Jim Hawkins or Cameron Frye? Well they would need to age up, firstly. Uh, why'd you ask me this, Brandi? Jim, because he actually had an interest and hobbies. Sorry Cam. Also Jim is very loving, caring, and basically selfless. And determined.

Jim Kirk or Spock? Oh, my~! *clears throat* ahem. SPOCK! Vulcans don't have/show emotions -- my foot! I would gladly date Spock and have very nice conversations.

Diaval or Luke Skywalker? Luke Skywalker. Farm boy from Tatoonie turned Jedi. Yes. The range of conversations to be had, ohmygoodness. He's a flustered and fun guy behind that Rebellion symbol. I'm here for it!

Robbie Reyes or Peter Quill? Robbie, because he's so flippin' caring and loves his family. Also, my family doesn't speak Spanish like they used to because it was their secret language from the grandchildren until we were learning it in school. Help me out, Robbie! I'll give you coffee. (I think I lost my point)

Riley Poole or Bridge Carson? My sweet darlings. They are quite similar in many ways, but different in how they express themselves. (This was the first ones I thought of.) I think my personality would fit well with both of them and also my interests. BUT in terms of dating, I would pick Bridge because of how he might view me and my personality, quirks, etc. "But what about Bridge's powers? You can't touch his arms or hands because he'd be overwhelmed with your aura and everything." I get that, but I don't see that as a problem. Those are his boundaries. If I need to wear a long sleeve or jacket or blanket to sit right next to him, fine. That's the least I could do to ensure he's comfortable. Plus Bridge is so sweet, attentive, helpful, fun, loves to read, loves buttery toast, intelligent, and so darn adorable. And I want to boop his nose. Just lightly then go back to whatever I was doing.

Okay, think I'm done. It's 2am ish.

#where dreamers go #ask game #fandom feels #welcome to my random conversation

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softforcal · 5 years

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Writing Tips

I get a lot of asks about tips on writing so i figured i’d just make a huge ass post for ya’ll :)

this shit covers: character, plot, motivation, past vs present tense, 3rd vs 1st verson, oneshots vs multi chapter fics, moodboards for character building, dialogue, oc’s vs reader inserts, face claims, the grocery store test, the meme test

Character

okay i want to start by saying: i used to write imagines so writing in character was like MY THING for like 6 years so i have a LOT OF PRACTICE with watching something and picking up on characters and i’ve spent THOUSANDS of hours watching shows. so like, i’ve spent a lot of time on this you know? so don’t feel bad if you have a life and havent had as much practice :)

so at the moment, i’ve been doing character mood boards to help figure out a character? but the thing about that is im picky about face claims and it can be hard so this is an easily skippable option and i’m not even sure if i enjoy it yet you know?

so first: i think of a story. i think of the type of OC that’s involved, i think about what they’re like, (i sometimes find a face claim), i give them a name

for me, as soon as they have a name and sort of a face in my brain, they take on a life of their own. a character knows when you’ve found the right name and face for it and it comes alive when you do. like for me, Birdie was originally ‘Cherry’ but she was like ‘bitch no’ and wouldn’t let me write her until i found her name.

to be honest. i don’t plan things. like. when i write, the character just takes over. i have no control. they do what they want. fucking Valentina and Harry in Trouvaille, i had a whole angst scene for them and these assholes decided to go on the terrace and tell each other they like each other instead and then the story just ended. like. i had a pLAN and they RUINED IT.

you can’t be afraid if letting your characters do what they want to do. when you plot, a loose outline is good but i just throw my characters into a situation and see where they go.

like for my final gang au chapter, did i want Michael to leave town? no. but he needed to take Dove and get the fuck out of there you know?

i don’t make playlists really, sometimes certain songs stick to people, like one of my characters, his song right now is Girlfriend by Anderson East and that song was sort of inspiration.

I don’t know where my inspiration comes from. obviously i write a FUCK ton so let me see if i can explain a few past stories and where they came from.

Gang AU was born from a post by @hereforlukescruff about the song ‘Or Nah.’

Cromulent was based off a tumblr post about enemies fake dating

Wild one was legit just me figuring out how to work all of @glitterprincelus fav things into one fic

Floral was based off of looking at my favourite tattoo artists floral tattoos

Trouvaille was originally pompous New York! Calum but as i developed it, it was Harry and i couldn’t stop him from pushing Cal out of the way and being like ‘this is my apartment you wanker get the fuck out of here and let me smoke and paint in peace.’

Noise was originally based off an idea by @palliddark that i was blessed enough to receive, she also had influence in Cromulent because months ago she requested a post about the boys recording having sex for a song.

So i think what we’re realizing here is a lot of it comes through interacting with other creators. one of my new pieces is based off of 2 5sos songs and one is based off of a person in Love Island. so inspo can hit from anywhere

the fic im working on now came from me talking to @harryforvogue about the new Gucci ads Harry did.

i started a Greaser Cal that i dropped cuz im a whore, but it was inspired by @calsangel and hopefully it gets completed sometime soon

like. talking to other creative people is just a breeding pool for ideas. people you trust and love, people who you can bounce off of. listen for stories in music, study people and characters and who knows where it might lead you :)

i hope this helps. but yeah. my number one piece of advice: talk about writing, talk about stories, talk about the guys you want to write about and inspo WILL hit.

also to all the people i have tagged i hope you know how much you guys mean to me. like. i really appreciate all you guys do and how much support you’ve given me and continue to give me. i hope i can offer the same support in return and i love you all with my whole heart.

****** Moodboard and Character (final thoughts)

So basically since i wrote that OG advice, i’ve begun to realize: moodboards are a good tool because if you can easily come up with 9 pics for a character they’re pretty well thought out.

for example, my easiest moodboard to make was for Birdie in my gang au

Birdie: likes scrunchies, reading, classic stories, ice cream, bubblegum, lollipops, acrylic nails, having her hair in a bun

my worst moodboard was for a character named Annabelle from Noise

i started and was like... who is Annabelle: she’s blonde... she uhhhh is doing psychology?

and that’s all i could get because Annabelle was a mostly dialogue driven character with no actual mentioned likes or dislikes, in my eyes, Annabelle was not a well thought out character.

so moodboards can help because they show you how well you’ve got your characters figured out.

******

Plot

so plot is tough. i tend to gravitate more to character driven plot because characters are my #thing. i’m going to start by going through some of my plotlines and going over the good and bad and hopefully have an answer at the end of it after picking apart my writing. should be FUN.

long fic plots

Noise plot: Annabelle gets a new neighbour and he keeps fucking girls and waking her up and they have banter, he’s a hothead and invites her to psychoanalyze him and it leads to some tension but he is soft for her right away and they a little awkward with each other but finally give love a try.

Floral plot: would renowned tattoo artist Calum chooses a new apprentice, socially awkward and anxious Lily, they’re attracted to each other but the confines of a boss and pupil relationship are tight and evident, creating tensions. Calum struggles with being professional while falling for the cute apprentice, especially when pressure is put on them by their friends, after slow burn and anxiousness they finally get together.

Cromulent plot: Calum has a new PR relationship with Chlo and he hates her, he thinks she’s fake and does everything he can to piss her off, finally deciding to fuck with her emotions by being a GREAT boyfriend which ends up hurting her and he realizes maybe she’s not so bad after all, things are a little confusing but they finally sit down and talk it out and address some of Calum’s insecurities about her past relationships and PR stunts, they agree to give love a try.

so, from these 3 long fic outlines we can see i usually go for character based turmoil which works well for fics between 10-15k (or longer, Trouvaille fits this format and it was 19k) I just think, relationships take time and people struggle to figure themselves out enough to enter a relationship. if you have some fiery characters and banter (Cromulent and Noise) or perhaps awkward anxiety and tip toeing (Floral and Trouvaille) shit works out you know?

for smaller oneshot fics plots can be easier and more situational i think.

Movie Snack plot : Cal goes to Luke and his GF’s place for movies and Luke gets bored and eats the reader out in front of Cal which leads to sex.

Road Trip plot : Luke and reader are dating and on a road trip they’re horny but end up having to share a room with Cal who has always had a thing for the reader, smut ensues.

Stay Still plot : Tattooist!Cal is the readers fuck buddy and she goes to get her tits pierced, ending up with Luke as her piercer, but Calum shows up and angst leads to smut.

so yeah, for smaller 1-5k little smut pieces it can be more relaxed, smut is just smut, not love, and sex is a hell of a lot easier than love you know?

yeah, so that’s all my plot advice

*********

3rd person, 1st person, what the fuck person

when it comes to HOW you write your fic (what person, what tense, etc...) that’s up to you. it’s honestly whatever you feel best in. i’ve dabbled with a bit of everything. you just have to find what feels the most natural to you :) that’s the only advice i can give on this because no one thing is better than the other, it’s up to you.

one tip for 3rd person i have is to generally focus on one character. i’m a fan of doing the thing where for example, in Cromulent, we focus on Calum and why he doesn’t like Chlo. if we switched to Chlo a lot it would take away from the unreliable narration and bias Calum has. the good thing is to stay with Calum and be angry at Chlo and realize with Cal that she’s not so bad.

but that’s just me.

you can do switching when characters are together or on a phone call, like if you’re with Calum but he’s calling (for example) Chlo and then you want to see her reaction you can do

Calum groaned, staring at the ceiling, “bla bla cal saying shit”

“bla bla Chlo answering” she held the phone tighter etc...

and just like that you’re now with Chlo not Calum.

*********** OC’s vs Reader Insert

i’ll be real here: for some reason, i feel like reader inserts are more read on tumblr and i started out doing reader inserts to build a following.

personally, i prefer writing OC’s because you can go more in depth with EVERYTHING.

it’s honestly up to you what you want to do. i’ve decided to do my short smuts at reader insert and longer fics as OC but it’s whatever works for you at the end of the day.

***********

Dialogue

I’m a fan of dialogue driving story, Noise was so much fucking dialogue it’s insane. finding your characters voice is important and sticking with that makes a huge difference. if you’re character can kind of be seen based JUST on what they’re saying, thats a good sign.

i hate to say it but imma say it: when doing 5sos it’s important to know they’re Australian. some countries have different mannerisms and such, for example, i’m Canadian but i can’t have Calum out here saying “it’s a nice day eh?” you know? so, i would advise to try to get a handle on accents and word choice specifically to make them more believable. as is said in the iconic movie Tropic Thunder

***********

Motivation

so this is probably one of the biggest issues writers are facing and i’m about to get REAL AS FUCK.

on tumblr, it can feel like once you gain a following you CONSTANTLY need to be pumping shit out for them.

back in the day, i was posting a HC a day and a lot of it was for hogwarts!5sos. it felt like a job, which wasn’t anyone elses doing per se, i just think a lot of fic writers get caught up in this pressure whether it’s imposed by anons or not (im lucky that i’ve never had anon pressure and i’m very grateful for my amazing followers tbh)

Tumblr is not a job. if you’re writing, write for you. you are blessing tumblr with you’re writing. please don’t feel pressure to put stuff out or write a new chapter or anything.

if you ever feel like you’re under a lot of pressure, take a few days away, find the root of your writing joy. always do what you want to do. if you have to turn off asks to feel sane, do it. if you gotta block mean anons pressuring you, do it. you don’t owe anyone anything.

your writing is a gift graciously bestowed on this hellsite and this site shouldn’t make you feel pressured to write and give content FOR FREE. it shouldn’t make you lose your passion and make writing feel like a chore or job.

motivation can be hard. i’m a fucking psycho so don’t use me as a base for what you should be doing. i put out a fic a week which i really shouldn’t be doing, it’s not practical. but i can type fast as fuck and writing 1 or 2k in 10 minutes is normal for me so don’t use me as an example you know.

go at your own pace. write what you love. write au’s or for the characters you love and hopefully the rest will come.

******** Multi Chapter vs oneshots

ok more realness, pros and cons of each

oneshots:

pros:

-its one and done, no need to worry about putting out more

-they can be fun

-it’s all in one place which a lot of readers like

Cons:

-can be long af

-take longer to write since a oneshot is probably like 10+k depending on who you are as opposed to perhaps 5k chapters of a multi chapter fic

Multi Chapter

pros:

-people are excited for more

-cliffhangers are fun

-people interact with you more about chapters to come

cons:

-more pressure to put out new chapters

-with each new chapter you’re probably losing likes because people get bored or forget about it because people sometimes don’t have the attention span or whatever to continue reading whenever you update

-usually tend to be longer than a oneshot (5k chapters means that in 2 chapters you have probably surpasses a oneshot length of 10ishk)

So i will be real. i prefer oneshots. i adore my gang au which was long as fuck and super multi chaptered but it’s tough to see the likes go down and down. plus, i wrote all of Penumbra (the main multi chaptered part) before i started putting it out so i had no pressure to write more cuz that shit was done before i started posting.

which does help. if you want to write the whole thing before you start posting it takes off the first con but you’re still left with the other 2.

**********

Face Claims

i feel like for some characters they’re born without a face claim but i totally get it if you want to use a face claim before you even start. finding face claims can be hard so you have to get ready to go creep on insta and look at models and figure out who you like. a lot of insta models follow each other so once you find a model you like, look through their following list or recent likes to see other models.

another thing you can do is go for brands or photographers who link their models. Fashion Nova for example, if you’re scrolling through and like a girl the link is there. and the same goes for some photographers. there’s a lot of accounts that are just for hot girls with links to their instas so (even if it feel weird) you should go check those out :)

******

The Grocery Store Test

next, for making characters, i think for me name is a big part of it. once a character finds their name that character comes alive in my mind. i was thinking about this yesterday and i said to myself, ‘you know you have a good grasp on your character when you can imagine them in a grocery store and know what they’d do.’

for example:

Birdie (from Gang AU) would go look at nail polish and candy, Luke would legit have to put her in the cart to get her out of there and if there’s a book section? good luck man

Valentina (trouvaille) is just gorgeous. she and Harry would go and he’d push the cart and she’d have a nicely written notepad of things to get and she’d look so pretty, head bowed, crossing things off, and Harry would be such a melt for her. he would crash into things cuz he’s so busy paying attention to her. she’d be a fan of picking up boxes and reading out nutritional values just to point out to Harry that eggos are not good for him.

so, Valentina and Birdie are probably my best OC’s if i’m being honest and because of that, these were easy.

now, take a character i didn’t work on as much and suddenly it’s different

Annabelle (noise) never really talked about anything but school and shitting on Calum so, i mean, i guess i can think of what she’d do in a store but.. like, i’d have to think about it you know?

so to me, we can see the difference between a fully fledged OC and one that needs to be worked on.

but, Noise still got a lot of likes so i dunno, i’m just self critical i guess.

i think, when it comes to characters, everyone has flaws. Annabelle is too critical of Calum and has a stigma about wealth, Valentina… she’s flawless not gonna lie but she’s a little too afraid of stepping on other people’s toes and she should probably be less anxious, Birdie is way too sentimental and cries over everything, plus she’s way too trusting and naive at times.

it’s balance. but once a character is born in your brain, you just gotta give them love and hopefully others will as well :)

*****

The Meme Test

my most recent advice is: if you can meme a character or dynamic between characters, you know you’re gucci. imma leave a meme here for a fic i’m working on and ya’ll will have no clue what it means but whatever it’s a point

*****

so hopefully this has answered any questions you have. this is all just my opinion and if you disagree with what i’ve said thats chill. at the end of the day this is what works for me and i urge you to find what works for you. there’s no one clear way to write.

good luck writer bubs :)

#writing advice #writing tips #tips #advice

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nongoxi · 4 years

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Hewwo internet I guess first post on this hellsite for the first time in a long time...? Idk what I’m fully expecting here, I think I want this to be a journal? A safe place to say what I feel without being judged for how I feel about it. Obviously I want professional help, but right now I don’t feel that this is possible, and I feel guilty trying to pay for it.

Background on that; I live with a very nice roommate who lets me live with him for nothing. He doesn’t ask anything of me and usually we try to split house duties about 50/50. Anyway, that’s irrelevant and tbh if I could go get a job, I definitely would.

I do feel guilty for not being able to work well, at least not from what I’ve learned about myself. Every time I try, I get so fucked in the head and end up quitting after a few weeks because I can’t handle it...

I’ve been diagnosed with so many things at this point that idk what to believe. CPTSD, regular PTSD, depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, dependent personality disorder, probably some other thing that I’m entirely unaware of. Who knows. I’ve been undiagnosed with DPD and BPD so that’s at least good? Idk, BPD was a large stretch by what seemed like a pill pushing asshole. And DPD came after that with a proper evaluation. Its been over 5 years since then though, and recent therapy sessions have said I more than likely don’t fit that diagnostic criteria anymore. So yay for improvement?

Depression and anxiety make sense, but I honestly think they’re symptoms of cPTSD (which was originally thought to be PTSD or PTSD like symptoms depending who you ask). I feel most hopeless when it’s like... in relation to past trauma and I can usually function well until something triggers me. Then it’s just breakdown after breakdown that could possibly last for two or three hours, maybe longer. I’ve only really had a few strong flashbacks... those were scary, being encompassed by an abuser who still follows me some places online. Yet I still question if I’m the true abuser, even though I really have no ill will towards anyone who’s ever harmed me. I just want peace I guess. Idk, it’s hard to know if I’ve ever been super toxic or abusive myself you know? Like, just trying to control my own life and my own will. Trying to gauge what’s good for me or not and make choices that are for myself idk. I’m not making much sense anymore so I’ll move on I think.

I’ve tried multiple different types of medication, mostly SSRIs and benzos and firstly, benzos are trash don’t get me started on the major addiction I was starting to develop or the emotional want of that high in the first place. Second, SSRIs pretty much always just make me wanna like... not exist. Like in the bad way. I’ve been on a few mood stabilisers and I’m allergic to the most common one, so that was fun dealing with whether or not the rash was gonna spread to my mouth. It didn’t, but you know, it was on my chin so let’s just not think about that anymore. I think the sad thing is, I want to be better, I really do. But with having taken probably over 30 medications with no help so far? I just want to get better without medicine. It feels like I’m always forced to take medications that I don’t want to though. You want therapy? Gotta have a psychiatrist too. Why? Idk, money? Maybe? I feel like therapy would be more productive if I could deal without having to have a medication station looking over my shoulder, ready to shove pills between my lips though. I’m tired of medicine.

Even Wellbutrin makes me feel like I want to self harm or not exist. Using it to stop smoking has been painful and honestly I’m still smoking just as much so? Guess it’s not working anyway. I’ll tell my gp about this at any rate, because she seems like she’s the only doctor who actually listens to me when I say something.

Speaking of which, I need to write a list of what things I’m feeling so I can give it to her. I’m scared, but I think it would benefit me in the end. And maybe she’ll listen to me about the “potential” ED I have. Look, I know I have food problems, I exhibit a lot of fucking symptoms of A, B, and BED but haha I’m fat so no one listens. Look, going through a binge phase for like 4 months straight and feeling uncontrollable urges to eat the whole house? Gaining 20 pounds in that time? 5 pounds a month isn’t that bad but bruh I weigh enough that my daily caloric intake is 2900 without exercise for maintain. Like 3500-4000 cals a day isn’t normal can we just discuss that thanks??? Anyway. No doctor wants to hear it and I always get the “write your calories down” stuff which makes me just... want to control it down to 1200 or less a day and. I try so hard not to do that and I’m stuck now. I don’t know what to do anymore and I need help but lmao wow that’s.. Impossible to get when you’re fat I guess. And it’s not just “I’m 180 pounds I’m so fat”, no I’m around the 275-325 mark (no exact details because I really don’t want people to know who I am or how I may look physically, if anyone ever actually finds this).

Idk where to even go from here. I feel better writing this out. I have no clue what to even remotely say. I wanted to vent and I guess I did so, but I didn’t really vent about what I wanted to, so now I’m just confused. Hell, I barely remember what I wanted to vent about so this is probably better. Imma sign off on this though for now, maybe I’ll be back. Who knows.

Btw, call me Nogi if you wanna use a name. I’m agender, but I’m comfortable with any pronouns (they/she/he/it). I’m 25. I’d prefer minors not interact with me, and that’s about the only reason I bring up age. So if you’re a minor, please leave.

I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to speak about how I feel and vent. Maybe reblog cute things? Or vent things? But mostly I’m here for me. Respect that.

#nogi speaks a lot with harsh words

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stuffofsin · 5 years

Text

Omni - BNHA various x Reader PART 1

WARNINGS: Swearing and random shit :3

This is just PART 1 when second parts out I will let you know

(Honestly scared hhhh)

Sorry reader is female... soz people :(

If you are wondering Omni means all :3

(You should know the keys by now...)

also, idk what happened to my writing style here cause it sounds to fancy for me

I also skipped the entrance exams cause... that's too much effort AND tell me who should be a love interest or love rivals cause im a clueless bean

NOW HERE WE GOOOOO

I guess it's in the third person/first? idk it's confusing me

powers - scarlet witch and future vision (only activates in sleep atm)

_______________________________________________________________________

A peaceful morning, the light of the sun peering into the room, all is cal—

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEE-

"ughhhhh" a girl groans as she hits the alarm, breaking it in the process 'ughh now I need to get a new one...' she thought. As she gets up as slowly as possible, 'wait what day is it? why did I have my alarm set?' "WAIT ITS MONDAY" she yelled. Rushing to get up, and get all her stuff ready seeing as she forgot to do so the night before too tired to care, grabbing her notebooks and grabbing her bag.

"SHIT SHIT SHIT" she shouts running out her bedroom with her uniform on, running to the kitchen and getting some toast and throwing it in her mouth. Running her hand through her Blonde hair to flatten it out (I have short hair so if you do too just ignore) and ran out the house, she ran all the way to the train station and sat patiently waiting for the train to arrive while eating her toast.

Time skip seeing as im just writing random stuff now

Your POV

'hm wonder what's gonna happen today? my future vision didn't activate last night... I wonder what's wrong with it (I know kinda bullshit but like... I can't explain right now)' I think as I walk through the entrance of UA, 'oh my god I can't believe I got in, oh god what if the people in my class don't like me ahhhhhh' I think panicing. I look down at my schedule,

Class 1-A

Homeroom - Aizawa - (insert room number here?)

(insert other classes here)

'ok ok ok ok ok OK, I think I know where to goooo... maybeeee... ughhh im the worst with directions, they really should have guides at every turn just so new kids can't get lost' I think walking through the seemingly endless corridor, till finally, I FOUND IT. I look at the time and see there's still at least 5 minutes till class started so I just try to find a seat, as im walking around the classroom for that PERFECT seat I see a guy with blue hair and glasses scolding this other guy for having his feet on the table? wtf? WAIT I FOUND A GOOD TABLE!

'awawawawawawawawa' I think as I rush to that seat before anyone else could even think about claiming my territory, as I get there the door opens again, a boy with... green hair???? ok then also what's up with the freckles I mean they make him look cute but... nevermind, suddenly I hear that guy with the glasses say "it's him" WHOS HIM??? (I should prob mention you forget things easily) WHO IS THIS PRECIOUS LOOKING BOI??? will this question ever get answered? idk, whelp 'OH SHIT THE WHOLE CLASS IS JUST QUIET AND LOOKING AT HIM WHAT HE DOOO??' I think as I too join in on staring at the broccoli boi, like legit he broccoli... that's just what imma call him now. "UMMM HI?!" he says nervously, my god that's kinda... cute? shit, just then the blue-haired... 'wait WHY DIDN'T I QUESTION THE HAIR BEFORE???' walks up to him honestly the most hilarious movement I have seen in a while like shit. oop now he's introducing himself but I ain't bothered to listen to him imma just not talk to people today... yeah that sounds great I can talk to them tomorrow or something... 'wait... what if people try to interact with me??!' you then panic and blame your social anxiety for not letting you interact with people like a normal person.

'broccoli boi looks nervous... honestly same' then my mind wonders to some funny shit I found on Tumblr 'hhehe... sand is heterosexual glitter heheh... WAIT OH ME GAH CUTE GIRL ENTERING..! wait broccoli boi blushing... hmmMMM' "If you're here to just make friends then you can pack up your stuff now"... 'is that a caterpillar? shit nevermind that's our teacher... he looks intimidating...' "welcome to UA's hero course... it took 8 seconds before you all shut up, that's not gonna work" this... Caterpillar man says as he gets out of a sleeping bag. "Time is precious, rational students would understand that... Hello im Shota Aizawa your teacher" he says looking at the class tired af, shit he's more tired than me...

"right let's get to it, put these on and head outside," he says pulling out a gym uniform from his sleeping bag, idk if we can all fit in that one uniform bu- nevermind there's enough for all of us im dumb.

_______________________________________________________________________

imma just leave it at this since im tired

Hope y'all enjoyed this part

critics on how I write appreciated

hhh im dead honestly...

but yeah should it just be some boys x reader or all the boys, including some girls here and there idk, I was planning on just calling the mc (main character for the uncultured) pansexual cause... that's how I identify... idk up to you,

I will write the next chapter at a point in time cause yeah... I got one day left of school for the term so hopefully, update soon!... that's fun...

hope y'all have a good night/day

Part 1 of ?

#BNHA #BNHA x reader #my hero academia #mha #my hero acadamia x reader #x reader #various x reader #bnha various x reader #mha x reader

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