#I have so many thoughts written down already I just dunno how to structure and post them. One day. For now I’m working on a marchil fic
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Marcille & Chilchuck contrasts & similarities
Yesterday in the Dunmeshi Discord we talked about narrative foils and I ended up writing a lot about my fave duo so. Informal character analysis time. I give some in-depth interpretations on aspects of Chilchuck’s character near the end as well, not just analyzing their characters in how they contrast each other
Marcille and Chil are so foils to me. "Has experienced loss through death and now clings onto the people around her and is overly interested in engaging in social gossip" vs "has experienced loss through rejection and now refuses to open up to anyone until socially starved", like both are responding to their experience with loss in fully different ways, socializing and trying to learn all she can for the short time she has with others but trying to keep digestible enough that she’s not too attached if she loses them, vs refusing to socialize so the problem stops before it begins but eventually unable to resist the pull that comes with being a social creature. Like I guess what I’m trying to say is that Marcille engaging with social gossip could be a shallow way for her to vicariously experience social relationships if she feels like forming deep bonds is unsafe.
Family is a core motivation and value for them but in different ways. Both want to keep the status quo but in different ways.
Divorcee who avoids love wether it be in the people around him or thinking about his own (past?) romance vs hopeless romantic that idealizes love without herself having been in a relationship or even in love herself as far as we know. Emotional constipation vs emotional intelligence. Streets savvy vs prestigious academic, field experience vs book smarts. Crass vs prim. Overbearingly social vs private to a fault. Never externalizes his feelings and to a degree represses them vs wears her heart on her sleeve and her feelings on her face.
They start out underestimating each other in different ways, one by assuming his age and the other by undermining her skills, experience and willpower. Both seeing each other’s motives as somewhat skewed (money and research of shady magic respectively) but growing to respect them.
They also both seek approval and validation from others, unlike Senshi and even Laios who don’t seem to care about outside perception as much, Marcille worries early on that she’s not helpful enough and slowing the party down meanwhile Chilchuck is almost always trying to prove a point early on that he’s capable and mature. Coincidentally enough, Chilchuck’s approval was both the catalyst and the key to resolving her arc about it in the mandrake chapter, meanwhile besides Senshi Marcille is the one whose perception of Chilchuck gets the most changed over the course of the whole manga. Something else notable is how they deal differently with their races being judged, while Chilchuck reaffirms himself as a proud half-foot, Marcille hides her half-elf nature and is embarrassed of it when it’s revealed.
Something subtle yet interesting is also how they both are shown to prefer lying in a way that makes them look bad rather than admitting ignorance on something. Chilchuck says that he cheated on his wife and that’s why she left rather than just saying that he doesn’t know why she did. Marcille in the mandrake chapter says that she has used a dog to harvest mandrakes (thus killing it) before while in truth she never has, and everyone including herself is like "That’s horrible… The poor dog!"
Their dad dies. Chil is like "Hm. Cool. Anyways he died doing smth he loved right so haha lemme drink myself into an early death bed too yolo 🔥🤟" vs "He died and it shattered my world and I must devote all my life to wiping death out of existence".
"I am going to knowingly shorten my lifestyle through unhealthy habits actually."
Problem solving approaches
One thing I love about them is how they have complete opposite approaches to problem solving.
Besides striving for workers’ rights and job stability for halflings with an union, he’s very "laissez-faire". He won’t do the righteous thing just because it’s the right thing if he doesn’t have an incentive or a safety net, like going to save Falin. He doesn’t chase after his wife to talk it out and make amends, he gives her space and either hopes she’ll talk when she’s ready or figures that he shouldn’t try to do anything about it. He doesn’t mention the mimic he noticed to the others to not make a big deal out of it and hopefully it won’t come up again.
He’s a "if the glass is half-full that’s fine enough for me, I don’t need things to be as good as they could be" type, a "leave it alone until it figures itself out" type.
Marcille? Marcille is idealistic and in-your-face. If there is an issue you better believe Marcille will address it and try her hardest to fix it, will talk it out and attempt to understand & strive to make things as best possible for everyone involved. She will FORCE you to talk about your FEELINGS wether you like it or NOT. Leaving it alone? Keeping things as just okay when they could be great instead? No no no no no, that’s not right, she’s going to try and fix it now. She will make you stand up and fight for the best that your life could be, to be honest when something bothers you and do something about it, will make you stop suppressing yourself because you’re scared of things getting worse.
Which, you know, both methods certainly have their pros and cons, but they’re very complimentary in that way. He grounds her into a more down to earth mindset and teaches by example that it’s okay if things don’t necessarily work out and moving on is possible and not necessarily miserable, while she encourages him to not give up so fast or stay quiet on things that bother so much. He soothes and she emboldens 🔥 Funny, because you could have thought it would’ve been the contrary, which is not untrue either, but he’s the "has experienced the harshness of life and has settled for something comfortable but modest" while she’s the "wants to make the world better and goes to great lengths to change it while still trying to find herself & uncomfortable with some aspects of life like loss".
One overly focuses on dealing with issues by changing things around her while the other overly focuses on only changing himself.
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Chilchuck leaves things alone if he thinks they’re best left unaddressed or thinks they’ll work itself out. Like the mimic he didn’t tell the group about but it backfired later. Like how he didn’t chase after his wife or seemingly tried to contact her at all. Like how he prefers not to dig into people’s personal issues in parties and be left alone to deal with his stuff on his own as well.
Meanwhile Marcille is overbearingly in-your-face and loud and "if there’s a problem we’re dishing it out right here right now. Your wife left you?? And you didn’t try to get her back?? I am going to write out a script and a plan for you to apologize and please bring these piles of presents."
She’s secretive about her fair share of things as well but she’s very proactive. While she seeks to research something that’s a core motivation and life goal to her + save someone she deeply cares for Chil is there for his job and to get money and "hey if something happens I’ll have done my part. I took you guys here now you guys figure out the rest and fight the monsters or something". They both like to have a say in the strategy, Chilchuck moreso as time goes on, but Marcille involves herself much more into almost everything.
Espescially early on, they’re always sticking by each other judging Senshi & Laios together and being like "Am I seeing this shit right. They’re crazy right? Tell me I’m not the only one here with common sense" and forming a 🤝 relationship over it and considering that, it sometimes feel… Contradicting? How they also have a lot of conflict together over time about how different they truly are. But it’s interesting and nice to see how even though they do have arguments it always gets resolved pretty promptly, like they’re truly hashing it out as equals and then when that’s done they’re back to being on the same wavelength. The exception would be Marcille taking a long time to come around on Chil being old, but arguments and debates like the one on dark magic and if it’s okay or wrong to use it, which was pretty serious and not just banter? They came to find a middle ground or at least understanding, and it didn’t seem to lower the respect they hold for another afterwards.
Chilchuck’s repressing habit
I do think Chilchuck has a repressed thing where he doesn’t WANT to think about it about his feelings sometimes, like with his wife- and maybe with his father? But the way he was so casual and nonchalant about his father dying has always struck me. I’m not sure if this is a "my feelings on my father were mixed and complicated at best" thing or a "I just don’t want to spend time thinking about it" thing or something else, but it gives food for thought.
When it comes to alcohol there’s this saying where an alcoholic parent will have 2 kids and one will grow to be alcoholic too while the other will never even touch a drop of alcohol and both when asked why will say "I watched my father". Chilchuck is def the first I think. He gives the vibe of "An alcoholic parent puts a strain on familial relationships?? Pshh, my father was and look at me! I turned out great!" Which is something I’ve heard irl lol which always makes you go like 👀 yes indeed you’re perfectly well-adjusted and haven’t been affected by your father’s alcoholism at all it’s clear as day.
On that topic, Chilchuck’s family, both currently and when he was a kid, are very interesting topics to theorize about with the hints and cues we have, how his wife truly felt and what happened for her to feel unappreciated enough to leave, how distant is he from his daughters if they haven’t seen each other in the same year either and Flertom was the only one to send him a letter? But that’s a topic for another day
Chilchuck probably has such a complex…. Of like not being… Like allowed to take space I guess?
And he does wish to affirm that right, he takes space and asks for it so very overtly, he formed a half-foot guild to demand better working conditions as one of the biggest examples of that. He grew up poor and undermined but he knows that he’s capable and someone worthy of respect and demands it, and takes every opportunity to prove himself.
But on the other end, he doesn’t seem to want to keep his hopes up in general, like asking for something to be better is bound to fail, that it’d be too good to be true. He tries to keep out of where his job doesn’t need him, from a sense of efficiency that cuts down on unnecessary stops but also because he just thinks it isn’t his place to do so.
It strikes me that it’s hinted that like… He doesn’t even really consider the possibility of going to his wife and trying to mend the relationship. Like it’s either she’ll decide to take him back on her own or he’ll be left out in the cold waiting, never knowing just where he’s truly at with her and if things are over for good. Like… Shooting his shot and making his case doesn’t even register as an option? Like he’s not worth fighting for, like whatever he did wouldn’t change her opinion anyways?
He def has a "life isn’t like a fairytale where everything goes well" philosophy where sometimes it feels like he just gives up on how things maybe could be better, especially interpersonally. Maybe it’s why he focuses on simple joys like alcohol instead of trying to keep up with relationships which can be complex and very fickle, in his own words. Something like alcohol is predictable, always there to fall back on, safe, gives him sensations without other emotional/social risks attached. Ironic for someone whose job is all about risks, but understandable
He contradicts even himself… Bro yes you’re capable, yes you’re great, yes you matter, now maybe speak about your feelings maybe??? Or do you not think your emotional issues deserve to get fixed and have closure???? Are you so used to being dismissed, overlooked and undermined that you think no one will listen even if you speak up??
And this recontextualize his "I’m not even gonna try and talk this issue out because I know (assume) that it won’t solve anything anyways" approach, doesn’t it.
"I must break my party members’ stuff or lie to them because if I just tell them my opinion and my feelings that I don’t want them to die they won’t care anyways and keep going"
In a way everyone is the glue of the party in different ways, Laios giving the group a direction and a plan, Senshi keeping them fed and grounded, Marcille making everyone more social and encouraging bonds to form, and for Chilchuck he’s the one most focused on actually keeping everyone alive I think.
Conclusion
Idk I’m not gonna repeat every point but have this as a parting contrast:
Guy with shortest lifespan possible who doesn’t mind knowingly shortening his own with an unhealthy habit, here for a good time not a long time, VS girl with longest lifespan possible who wants to lengthen everyone’s life, who focuses on how long she can keep something or someone rather than how happy her time with it has made her already.
They’re both loud in their own way, and both are still insecure despite appearances. In a way, both of them focus on taking care of others while overlooking their own demons.
#Dungeon meshi#chilchuck tims#marcille donato#character analysis#meta#Marchil#For the discord peeps i mostly streamlined things and yeah added a few things but prob not worth rereading#Sorry for posting less I’m still brainrotting just as much now I just do it more frequently on Discord instead lol#I have so many thoughts written down already I just dunno how to structure and post them. One day. For now I’m working on a marchil fic#Analysis
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This week's writer's spotlight feature is: @pearynice! With twenty-eight Stranger Things works, they've written twenty-seven fics tagged with Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson!
Nominated by @hotluncheddie, they recommend the following works by peachesandpears:
Talk to Me
Personally
Starched Collars
In your eyes
they are so lovely and so talented!! so many short and sweet pieces - that so often seem to touch and soft squishy part hidden away within me, put a little bandaid on it <3 - @hotluncheddie
Below the cut, @pearynice answered some questions about their writing process and some of their recommended work!
Why do you write Steddie?
I’ve always loved the “opposites attract” trope. While Steddie is the first ship I’ve ever seriously written for, in the past this dynamic has always been my go to (ie: destiel lol) but Steddie specifically because I think Stranger Things is a great show with compelling characters, and that Eddie and Steve deserve a happy ending. And for me that happy ending will always have them with each other.
What’s your favorite trope to READ?
I love AUs. Love seeing the little blorbos in as many situations as possible. I love being able to see how writers take what we know about these characters and make it into a whole new story. (But especially a soulmate AU. I loveeee a soulmate AU.)
What’s your favorite trope to WRITE?
I think anyone who follows me can probably guess hurt/ comfort and fluff. I LOVE making these boys suffer and then smooch about it.
What’s your favorite Steddie fic?
AH okay I will scream about this fic until I’m blue in the face (I actually submitted an ask to this blog about it because I think it’s criminally under-viewed!) it’s As the World Falls Down by daeneryske on Ao3. I read this MONTHS ago and I still think about it all the time. It’s long but god I wish it would never end. I want to tattoo it on the inside of my eyelids.
Is there a trope you’re excited to explore in a future work but haven’t yet?
Yes!! I can’t say much because it’s for my Reverse Big Bang but they both contain tropes I’ve never worked with before and I’m so so excited to be writing both of them!!! I’m already having so much fun!
And a goal of mine for 2024 is to broaden my writing horizons a little and explore tropes and topics that I haven’t yet, so I don’t really have any specifically in mind but that is my general plan!
What is your writing process like?
Very chaotic. I almost never write an outline. It’s pure vibes baby. And when I DO write an outline I almost never follow it (whoopsie) I feel like as I write the plot comes to me, and outlines tend to pigeon hole me so I can’t get myself out of writing slumps.
Do you have any writing quirks?
Maybe my overuse of italics?
I also don’t really know how to describe it but sometimes when I’m writing heavy action scenes/ emotional scenes I’ll start and stop sentences before they’re complete sentences. Like: “Steve says nothing. Sits down next to his father and looks over his shoulder.” I don’t know if that’s a writing quirk or not lol but that tends to be how I structure my sentences.
Do you prefer posting when you’ve finished writing or on a schedule?
Definitely after I’ve finished. Once I’m on a deadline I psych myself out.
Which fic are you most proud of?
That’s such a hard one, because I think I’m proud of a lot of my fics but for very different reasons. I think if I had to choose, I’d pick Blood of the Covenant. It’s one of my more recent fics, and I had toyed around with a Wayne POV fic for such a long time before writing because I wanted to get it right. It was hard to find his voice but I think in the end I executed it well.
How did you get the idea for Talk to Me?
Well besties I dunno how personal we want to get here, but the inspo for this fic (and tbh a lot of my hurt/ comfort fics) is just based on my own experiences. Growing up my mom did not have the capacity to tend to the thoughts and emotions of her kids, ergo me pushing that shit into a Steddie fic. Obviously what I wrote as Steve’s experience and mine are not directly parallel, but that is how I got the idea.
When writing Starched Collars, what was something you didn’t expect?
That was my first heavy hurt/comfort fic that I wrote, and I remember being really blown away that people could relate so heavily to Steve’s experiences. I remember I had some comments saying that they felt really comforted seeing their own experiences reflected within Steve, and I just never expected my writing to be able provide that for someone.
What inspired Personally?
Well, again, we’re getting a little personal (babum tss)- but how I wrote Steve’s mom reacting to him mentioning the sunglasses is definitely how my own mom tends to react when I express any kind of negative emotion around her. In this case it was a lost parking stub instead of sunglasses.
What was your favorite part to write from Talk to Me?
The COMFORT- that’s always my favorite part. Making it better! (Although it is also a little fun leaving the angsty cliffhanger- but I will ALWAYS make my fics have a happy ending.) But also I’m a little in love with the idea I had that Eddie likes to rub on Steve’s stomach until he falls asleep. I thought that wrapped up the story very nicely.
How do/did you feel writing Personally?
It was honestly very therapeutic. I don’t think I’ve ever word-vomited out a fic more rapidly than I did for that one. I wrote that in my notes app in one afternoon, read through it once or twice, and posted. It was a relief to get all of that out in writing, and then even better to see that other people found comfort in what I had written.
What was the most difficult part of writing Starched Collars?
When I was first drafting the fic I was going to have Starched Collars and In Your Eyes (the kinda sorta sequel) be one in the same. I spent a long time trying to balance the two narratives, before I realized it was just too much to fit into one fic. Having both detracted from the other’s story too much, and eventually I had it just focusing on Steve. I think this was the best move but I spent so long trying to strike that balance before I scrapped it.
Do you have a favorite scene and/or line from any of your fics?
I don’t know if I can name any one scene or line as explicitly my favorite, but the final scene of Because it’s Steve it’s absolutely a favorite. That whole fic is very special to me because it reflects a lot of my own thoughts/feelings/experiences on being demi, and that final scene is just exactly how I experience my demisexuality. (I’m not sure how long this can be, but I’ll insert the passage here):
And they’re still in this disgusting bathroom. There’s still a toilet behind Eddie’s knees, but when Steve’s mouth meets his, it doesn’t matter. Because one of Steve’s arms wraps around his middle, his fingers dip into the spaces between his ribs, their chests touch, and it all feels so good. Because it’s Steve. And it’s still Steve who kisses him, still Steve who licks into his mouth, still Steve who nearly sends them both stumbling into the disgusting toilet.
And because it’s Steve it’s so funny that Eddie can’t stop laughing, and there’s a blush high on Steve’s cheeks as he tells Eddie to stop it. But then Steve kisses him again. Asks if he wants to go and find Robin and Nancy. If he wants to dance. With him.
Do you have any upcoming projects or fics you’d like to share/promote?
YES. So Because it’s Steve is now a series: Demi/Virgin!Eddie, with all of Eddie’s firsts with Steve. This is very smutty but it’s also like, the sappiest, most disgustingly fluffy smut I’ve ever written. I would say it’s “schmoopy” but I was outed as an Old Lady on Discord because apparently no one uses that word anymore.
ALSO- and maybe this is still too far away BUT I am working on TWO Reverse Big Bang pieces and… you guys… my artists are so talented and kind and their brains are so big and so far I’ve gotten along with each of them so well and I am already so excited to post these and we’ve only just begun. I cannot wait until we can make our visions into an entire fic!
Outside of these questions, Is there anything YOU would like to add?
YES- whoever nominated me for this (I don’t know if that’s something they’ll tell me??) THANK YOU- this is so sweet. I feel so honored that someone thought of me as deserving of this. There are so, so many authors you could've chosen and you chose ME! That’s just- insane. Thank you.
And to anyone who has said they found my hurt/ comfort fics relatable in any way, I rain all of the platonic hugs/ forehead kisses/ handshakes/ high fives/ nods of the head upon you. ❤️✨
Thank you to our author, @pearynice, and our nominator, @hotluncheddie! See more of @pearynice's work featured on our page throughout the day!
Writer's Spotlight is every Wednesday! Want to nominate an author? You can nominate them here!
#steddie#steddie fic recs#eddie munson#steve harrington#steve x eddie#stranger things#steddie writers#writer's spotlight#pearynice
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fic writer review
tagged by @dameferre (on main) <3 this ended up being long so i’m throwing it under the cut! thank you for the tag, i’ve wanted to do this for a while!
tagging: @weedsinavacantlot @mosaicscale @jaskiersvalley @unyielding-as-the-sea @chubbykatsudon @ohnomybreadsticks even though I know some of you have already done this!
1. how many works do you have on ao3?
78. one is anonymous right now for a flash fic challenge so it isn’t showing up. i have no fucking idea how i got here (AND i’ve deleted so many stories...)
2. what’s your total ao3 word count?
542911 which is truly horrendous. somebody stop me
3. how many fandoms have you written for and what are they?
so i’ve MOSTLY written the witcher/dead by daylight/until dawn, but i have 25 fandoms with currently published works. yikes
4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos?
-number one is a stupid fic with a polyamorous ship (+ a trans character) for a fandom i no longer care about and a book series i really hate. i regret writing it (and have said so in the notes), i was at a place in my life where i wanted to write this incredibly self-indulgent thing after diving headfirst into canon, and now rereading it with a critical eye, it just makes me annoyed.
-number two is, SOMEHOW, the geraskier scent kink fic?! i don’t understand how this has more kudos than some of my other fics!!!!! people really love smut huh
-number three is venom smut
-number four is the cave, my longest fic! it’s an until dawn fix-it that is very self-indulgent and definitely needs a total rework haha
5. do you respond to comments, why or why not?
i try to respond to all comments that aren’t anonymous! like elle said, I appreciate it more when people notice an obscure reference or something. I think the one word/emoji comments are still nice but they don’t personally have much of an impact on me. and all this being said, i am perpetually behind on my comment replies I currently have 246 to do 😔😔😔
6. what’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?
it’s the one i’m publishing next week for the whataboutthebard event hehe
7. do you write crossovers? if so, what’s the craziest one you’ve written?
i love crossovers i think theyre very fun! i wrote an (unpublished) crossover where deadpool and cable are the superhero identities of face and hannibal from the a-team. it was a birthday gift to a friend and it was VERY indulgent especially with the non-linear timeline (because cable) but whatever, i reread it recently and it still slaps
8. have you ever received hate on a fic?
i have but nothing that really irked me so badly i remembered it, oops
9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?
i sure do which is hilarious because as someone who is sex repulsed like 95% of the time irl... how do i keep getting away with this
10. have you ever had a fic stolen?
okay no i haven’t (to my knowledge) but also someone once wrote an until dawn fic “inspired by” the cave that basically took the exact same plot and ....??? made it worse/simpler? it was hard to read so i wasn’t 100% sure but. at first i was flattered and eventually it just got annoying, even though they barely wrote anything for it
11. have you ever had a fic translated?
people have offered but none have followed through!! wah
12. have you ever co-written a fic before?
i’ve planned out fics with people but the writing process is difficult enough without someone else there. i would really like to get into those train fics where each author writes a different part though, i think it’d be a ton of fun
13. what’s your all-time fave ship?
it is probably, just statistically, eames and arthur. but there are so many lmao how could i choose
14. what’s a fic you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?
i should probably put the cave here but i’m close to the end of that one actually, just need to sit down and do it! but ‘spectacular’, the kingsman/baby driver crossover i worked SOOOO hard on, is probably not something i’m ever going to feel comfortable finishing. or if i do, i will be rewriting it so that it’s clear that i’m headcanoning baby as someone other than ans*l elg*rt (john boyega...? 👀) but yeah at this moment in time i can’t see that happening
15. what are your writing strengths?
idk.. i like my dialogue!
16. what are your writing weaknesses?
scene transitions, endings, editing out scenes that aren’t cohesive and don’t contribute anything but I love Them Your Honour, falling into the same boring writing style with each sentence having the exact same structure
17. what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages on a fic?
i think it needs to be done correctly and there has to be a reason for it
18. what was the first fandom you ever wrote for?
i dunno man... naruto maybe???? d. gray-man? sh*rlock??????????? perhaps les mis when i was a baby and literally only cared about eponine and cosette
19. what is your favorite fic you’ve ever written?
it’s really hard for me to choose only one answer here 😔 I really like my laegjarn/fjorm stuff and the ocean’s eleven fic i wrote, and i LOVE the dialogue in my veep fics <3 for dead by daylight i’m still proud of my jake/evan summer camp slasher AU! and i like most of my witcher fics, i’m really excited about some things i have in the works right now.
if you actually made it to the bottom, thanks for reading!!! 🥰🥰🥰
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returning the favor: do you have any hcs re: winston, past or present, that you haven't expounded upon before or at length or just feel like talking about again. whatever you like
Thank You.......yeah idk really what hc's i've like "officially" described here that often lol, but then also there's that whole complication where i don't really ever come up with ideas & when asked anything i'm probably going [???] like, classics like "what do you like out of [broad parameter]" & it's like damn....i dunno. what ideas do i have about winsotn who i've thought about every day for > 2 yrs??? that's tough.....& Then the further chaos of like, when i do have hc's or w/e it's less discrete, concrete invented ideas & more towards the end of the spectrum that's like "well i kinda interpret this part of canon vaguely this way" &/or "i have This vague notion that i haven't solidified into a pretend fact or that i'm not at all committed to or take that seriously" where it's like, not only is this not really nailed down but it's basically free floating / i might have other ideas that would contradict each other lol. seems like a more concise list of Stats that are fully/exclusively my ideas is more exciting, but instead i can offer vague "i dunno / what ifs" based on vibes that i verbosely describe lmao, plus i'll forget a bunch of ideas i may have had i'm sure but you know. what else have i ever offered; never really trying to sell this material to otherwise uninterested parties or only make posts that guaranteed more than one person might enjoy, why would i be starting now; and ig if i write a bunch of stuff here & go "oh & i forgot like a half dozen obvious things" i can add on to it if it's a big deal.....plus it's always tricky with billions in particular being vague abt its own characters lmao, we only see [outside of work] personal stuff if it's going to become directly tied to [definitely at work] professional plotlines, or Maybe glimpse some character contextualizing things for the more central characters....side characters have more blanks to fill but also that means. just more that's blank lol & kinda a mystery of Up To Interpretation.....i figured one way to have any structure for this at all is to have a part looking at each winston involving episode's info. well anyways, after this meandering intro that kind of illustrates how i'm sure the rest of things will go here lol, i'm just gonna throw a bunch of stuff down in general. thanks again for the prompt to do so, b/c why not
really the one concrete discrete idea i have which isn't in the canon text is, of course: he is autistic
does he Know? idk. either way, think he's pretty aware of how he operates (& how he Can't operate), but if he doesn't know that's probably more for the "also: he's self loathing, which was basically textually implied" stuff lol. just mentioned it but i do always enjoy the tayston idea that taylor's talking abt in the past having it floated by a therapist/s or whomever that they could be autistic, them considering it but it not applying; winston going "hmm" & doing his own considering & researching & then maybe exclusively sharing the news w/taylor....but of course, maybe he's figured it out himself at some point before. i do think he'd figure it out himself though rather than anyone else directly suggesting it (maybe out here being diagnosed with "just the guy who sucks who we don't like / won't act right or normal" sort of usual experience) & i think, if he knows, he's not about to want ppl at work to know, b/c not as though anyone (but taylor & other quants) particularly seems to be impressed by his quanting proficiency, but he sure gets some validation/affirmation through that route (more re: that of course) and knows that ppl going "oh he's autistic so of course he's better at Doing Math / computer stuff as a like, mechanical efficiency sort of thing" or whatever. and the fact that taylor can interact with him / gives him some leeway to generally do his thing means he's kind of already got space to operate how he operates, see the start of this section....and idk. transitioning into the next section ig
just an Interpretation Of Canon thing here but, re: how these characters generally operate & what their reason is for being around doing stuff in the first place, i guess it's that winston does genuinely like to do & is interested in the math/coding stuff involved here, was also genuinely interested in working for taylor specifically (whatever The Hype specifically was), then you have taylor having the "despite your demeanor, your skills are superior" stance & appreciating what he can do & letting him do it by hiring him for real & all, & here we are, Q is for Quantitative, baby......he must find it rewarding enough to be getting to do this quanting stuff and also, the potential for validation when anyone recognizes he's good at it & by extension finds something about him good & wants him around to any degree
okay just that Episode By Episode stuff for a section here
3x03:
kinda extra room for interpretation b/c this was written as a one off character and reintroducing him in 3x09, written to be recurring, feels like it kinda offers a Soft Reboot for what we got here, where i guess how i take things is that we can suppose in both 3x03 & 3x09 winston's putting on a deliberate Performance to some degree based on what he thinks the potential employer wants to see, but it's also not completely fake / inaccurate either time, & like, maybe the 3x03 vibe wasn't a type of performance he'd only just ever put on for this axe cap interview, & even if it was deliberately bold maybe he was sort of thinking he Could bank on his value as a quant meaning he holds most of the cards (or can get away with acting like it)
building on that & as a More General point of interpretation again: think it's easy to suppose winston could've had an existence w/many elements of frustrations & disappointments & Rejection, but where like, he did figure out these areas of interest & proficiency that seemed to be a more positive force in his life, & leaned into them / focused on them further for it, & i could see him focusing on milestones / graduating from one thing to the next & conceptualizing like, well, if i just get to This point by working on This thing then i'll have it together & be able to move through existence more successfully, like, there's winston going into undergrad & kind of disappointed he's not having that good a time socially / feels like he's missing out / being left out still, but he can be like, well that's fine (: i'm totally fine abt it b/c i'm focusing on the Education & Experience here & when i'm entering the job market as an amazing quant anyone would want to hire then ppl will be seeing me in a positive light & things will fall into place / go great for me / i'll feel like i fit in & am doing things right within some structure. & i think maybe he Did have all those other job offers / opportunities & he was at least partly feeling a bit "objectively" confident, & also maybe just hoping he Could be that confident & that, you know, if he goes ahead & acts like that's the case, it could be confirmed / become true....anyways then obviously disillusionment time
since his outfits are introduced here: more "just how i'm interpreting canon" stuff in that i do just suppose he is mostly focusing on comfort & it'd kinda get in the way of things if he couldn't. flipflops might've been a statement piece but also i figure at least in part about the comfort / lack of much opportunity for restriction or ill fit or chafing texture or anything, same goes re: pants & shirts. interesting he likes to wear the patterned layers but doesn't really wear like, stripes or plaid ever. plus it could well be that Just A Tee is too informal unless you're the formalest of all by virtue of position, i.e. the ceo, but also we sure often enough see him wearing hoodies &/or multiple layers, like, maybe that's just for warmth or weight or what have you, always considering "what if it's about being self conchy as well (different way of saying self conscious)"
3x09:
so yeah with winston not having taken another job (at least maybe only like, temporary ones as these self contained gigs / just something to pay the bills) figure it's been a Depressive Period for him here lol & deliberately going on a journey of like self reflection / examination & going "haha yeah hated what i saw" is like, i don't think the self loathing is anything new, the confidence in 3x03 kind of an optimistic bandaid lol like well here's the new me as i understand / hypothesize / hope he could be, totally confident in being backed up by how valuable he is as a quant, then taylor kind of ripped that off and wound's open again but that wound was also not brand new or something he was unaware of / that didn't affect him before now
re: math meetup, i can see that being him presenting more evidence of his talent as a quant but also specifically going "see, i do this collaborative thing" to present this more conciliatory and cooperative approach to taylor, & am also taking it as evidence that he really does Enjoy math / coding stuff beyond it simply being a means to a professional end. i also like to think he has been / continues going to math meetup regularly, at least once a month, maybe every other week, and that it's this semi social event, like the relevant irl group you found back in the day that like, meets up for pizza before and drinks afterwards. i also like to think that, like, while he might come off as A Bit Much during said math meetup / just speak up frequently enough and often enough with some insistence lol, people Are there to meet up about the math and his contributions Are valued despite if his delivery/approach isn't always endearing or whatever. and even if he's not really popular / warmly embraced in the more [socializing event] bookends of the meetup, he's perfectly tolerated, and there's even a person or two or three (also regular attendees) who do vibe with him enough to like, invite / even want him to sit with them / talk with them outside that Math Setting. math meetup pals, maybe he doesn't meet up with these people outside these events but maybe they have each other's contacts and sometimes text. not these intimate personal relationships, but still something real and positive and refreshing. it'd be nice if math meetup could kinda be like what he hoped for from quanting, this way his math lets him "qualify" to access this group / activity, his aptitude "making up for" perceived lack of interpersonal / social charm & charisma & what have you, & having some reliably friendly people around even if of course that's not on its own going to mean he's totally socially fulfilled / not often lonely or anything. hc: he's often lonely & not totally socially fulfilled
he does, of course, want to work for taylor specifically, as long as they want him to, and this is sort of his second chance to find validation through working as a quant lol. think that yeah sure winston likes validation in general, who doesn't but also of course he's maybe a bit Above Average sensitive to / keen on it, but he'll also care about Affirmation if it's coming from people whose opinion he particularly values. think that it's easy to suppose he's also especially sensitive to taylor's assessments here thanks to the fact they really hit a (raw) nerve with him like, sure is the potential to get caught up in feedback loop city & say, have a few months mired in self loathing & an especial lack of certainty & confidence, if someone's kinda gone "i hate your self hatred" lol, but he also Did have this especial interest in / high opinion of taylor before that 3x03 interview, & so that's what continues to be part of it here
but then also interpreting that second 3x09 scene as like, he Does independently Know His Value as a quant and yknow not only has his pride but also can't and isn't going to first and foremost focus on trying to socially perform being peak Accommodating and Appealing here lol. but he still cares about what taylor thinks, wants to work for/with them, and i think it was Mutually Appreciated in the last scene that there was Mutual Effort to cooperate w/the other, giving him a Cue instead of just being mad & obfuscating it unless & until giving up on him completely or w/e is Constructive. interpreting winston as someone who sure can be a bit petty on purpose, especially in the face of some wounded pride (where he seems to take pride in his quant abilities & maybe not much of anything else: see the self loathing otherwise), but isn't really one to be deliberately antagonistic, especially not towards, yknow, the person he specifically wants to appeal to, but he also knows he can come off as grating whether inadvertently or not, so he might be testing the waters a little as well
3x11
he's using headphones even though no one else is in the room, that's a preference / he may also just like to block out other sound in general, as there's no audio of [winston's music faintly playing as / before he takes off his headphones] or indication he paused anything. does he like metal, what with the yngwie malmsteen reference? maybe, but that might just be a Billions Reference thing that isn't meant to indicate much / anything abt the specific character. i don't have any hcs about it anyways besides "okay" if so
first time we see his watch, it's not the calculator watch until s5 but i am a fan of said calc watch....gotta suppose it could represent him being here for the math of it all, what with how fancy/expensive watches are kinda the whole like status / power play thing, and a calculator watch is, afaik, not expensive, these casio calculator watch listings i'm seeing are all priced like, $15 to $25 range. so.
2nd scene is the first time we see sleeves pushed up, a frequent choice, maybe if he's focusing sleeves against forearms / Wrists & Hands can be bothersome. also not the first time he puts his hands in his pockets but i think that's a deliberate choice for winston's sort of Default Pose, equate it to the choice to have jared hang / hold on to his backpack straps.
guess he can also be a bit petty / rude / grating on purpose if ppl are getting in the way of his mathing / coding or otherwise thwarting it, at least probably taylor can relate / sympathize what with them wanting to Get It Right / being bothered if people get it wrong but could've avoided this
noticing all the caffeine and the fact he maybe didn't leave the basement / was powering through that project All At Once....just noting that down as a potential Approach, wanting to not interrupt focus &/or bear down & keep a fairly intense pace until it's finished / stay in the zone or what have you
definitely doing some deliberately cocky Testing / pushing back / amicable power struggle with taylor there, confirming he does have leverage due to that quanting ability after all, Despite His Demeanor / not being "sweet"
by this point definitely consciously kinda wants taylor to rail him.
4x03
i have no concrete hc's of instances inspiring winston to think he's "always seeing the future" but god i wish he did. he's right a lot though, maybe he just notices as much lol
talking mostly to taylor here, then concluding with "i only thought it but didn't say it; doesn't count....damnit." like he wants Their validation thanks, even if recognizing his Win here still wouldn't help them either way....also first time we see him w/coworkers for real, he's really freely Interacting.....time to go ahead and say he'd like to be work friends / at least have friendly interactions at work, might be a bit desperate for such positive social interactions, especially in this environment where he thinks the "objectively" good thing about him is most relevant, but it's cringe & fail (&/or vulnerable to Attack) to outright Want something, like validation / affirmation / a positive response or a simple "yeah you're right" "positive" response
first Space Shirt, followed by ones that are like, also &/Or Sci Fi Shirts. does he like space? i guess so
he's autistic
4x08
here & in 4x11, we don't know how he's gotten this info about taylor re: the arc w/their dad or with axe cap, but he's apparently mused on it on his own like this & isn't just quoting what someone else told him about how taylor must feel about xyz & how that might apply to the situations at hand, even though (unless he cassandra'd it) he wouldn't've had that much cause to suppose it'd definitely be relevant to have ideas about how taylor feels / is navigating a situation & why, maybe he just likes to be prepared like that / stay in the loop but yknow, maybe he's just also interested in them as a person beyond what's most immediately relevant to him doing quant stuff for them
he's already done the sort of kicking himself / wincing / apologizing or agreeing he fucked up an exchange thing before but, the genuine disappointment / momentary discouragement in it always lol....self loathing guy
love how he has these little like, clarifying explanations of things. "total control of the instrument," "always seeing the future," "because i win".....he's out here wanting to communicate to connect & to be understood, not so much as a potential for a power play / status climb and thus a conflict.....can see ppl who are used to / Do see interactions in that light to interpret winston yelling about having won as a like, rubbing it in people's faces show of superiority thing, but pretty sure he's just excited and wants a high five
4x11
having talked about the fact none of the desks in the tmc hq main floor seem to be winston's (& knowing that Could just be wroland not being reliably available to be in the bg of shots lol, analyzing s4 shots for some Consistently Empty desk) but it is fun to also consider that maybe tmc Could've had a secret extension in that that quant haunt in the basement was kept. a little more furnishing and it could be pretty chill, even though the lack of windows might not always be ideal. where's he sit!
also the whole "guy who'd be the first one smothered" moment like, guess i could've mentioned it in 3x03 more but yeah my Headcanon here is that winston maybe has a master's degree, not a phd though (him saying "50 phds" in 3x11 i think was meant to differentiate from him on both points, aka he's 1 guy, without a phd) & this is his first "real" job in any field. b/c i'm guessing like, people are here to get Paid, but as mentioned w/the watch (& just how winston acts in general, he doesn't really seem like he's raring to show off / really take advantage of having money or anything) it doesn't seem like he's, like, the "exceptionally focusing on personally making as much as possible" guy, and lauren's remark seems to emphasize / place the context on winston just not having like, savings from prior salaried years at a job or anything, more of a practical matter, maybe he's out here hoping for some more financial security, also they are all living in nyc, so. on that note, maybe he has an okay apartment but like, not without problems / not absolutely ideal, but it's okay. this would just be Convenient as an hc also lol
don't think the monologue was completely memorized, but it wasn't completely off the cuff either, he'd maybe been brainstorming scripts in his head / had some particular parts solidified word for word, but also hardly think he was guaranteed planning to deliver an admonishlogue at all, seems like it was some important factors that he was just kind of already irritated, nobody was listening / people Were social pressuring him to drop it or not interested in entertaining like "yeah i think you should talk to taylor about it" at all, think it was clear that talking to others was only going to lead to them telling him to drop it / trying to not have anyone say anything to taylor, and then that taylor just jumped in, which i hardly think he was hoping for
always Something that we can expressly see winston moving to sit down in that soon to be empty meeting room as everyone else is clearly filing out lol, like, can see how he might not be able to go "well, back to work" immediately and need some irritation / feeling like shit / guess who just got yeeellllllllllled aaaaaat to burn off, might need some time to absorb "well i guess i just deferred so no bonus as was probably expected," but can also suppose that maybe when winston gets majorly Shut Down he has shutdowns. saying all of four words in the wake of things, otherwise the fact he has this approach of tensing up, not talking at all, kind of just holding onto eye contact as his last way of "properly" participating in the exchange w/o bailing entirely, while also outwardly withering, like clearly these kinds of moments are pretty significantly affecting....feels like he could find it difficult to talk much, or at all, in the wake of some / need some time to recuperate a bit & have some distance & quiet & not just jump back into work like he's having a fine and normal time. sometimes pondering like, not only those notions like taylor insisting winston not be Interrupted when he hasn't technically started talking yet (giving him the buffering / latency time) but also like, fun kinda imagining them sitting across from each other having a texting conversation....or times winston would rather have an exchange via email......or make use of the sticky notes......or just have taylor talking to him and picking up on his nonverbal responses
winston's very Not present in tmc meetups / get togethers this season & again we know that this could be because his actor wasn't very available but it's still the case In Canon that there's only so many tmcers and they're all seeing each other outside work / market hours for varyingly formal or informal purposes & he's never included. & simultaneously hold the hc's that he could be choosing not to go or he could just never be invited in the first place l o l.....in either of these situations the reason for declining to go or being excluded could be up to "b/c other ppl don't like having him around" and idk, best case scenario is he doesn't want to go for some other reason, but he acts pretty okay with the All Hands meetups we do see / when in meetings with the other named employees he's pretty raring to interact with them, so :/
4x12
i do like to think it's fun to imagine What If Taylor Had A Phonecall With Winston Before This Monologue; someone once told me that explaining is an admission of failure, i'm sure you remember, i was on the phone with you, sweetheart.....just them both having a more sympathetic approach with each other and a sort of dialed back reconciliation, tbt 3x09, without an audience / roomful of other people
do think that his wearing a tmc logo tee into axe cap hq was a deliberate Statement Piece, like wearing flipflops into axe cap in his true first time being there lol
first time we see the backpack, & the headphones (in this season), like the point you (nothingunrealistic) made about the backpack possibly kind of exerting pressure / compression in a Sensory Way. let's see it again
as good a time as any to bring up how it's such a consistent pattern that it Must be a choice that winston smiles in this direction :/ and grimaces / winces / frowns this way :\ but a choice of the actor of course, was it ever a conscious thing on winston's end, would not put it beyond the realm of possibility he's ever consciously thought of stuff like "even if words fail me(tm) i Gotta hang on to eye contact".....i'm thinking of times he is smiling hard enough that you just gotta do it more symmetrically, like here in 4x12
5x01
he likes bagels
think that this could've been another case of "people who are used to interactions used for conflict / power plays / stepping on other people to status climb (axe cappers in general, maybe team ben having to be extra prone to be on the lookout for these strategies when they're more often on the receiving end of them) misinterpreting winston socializing as means of connection (wanting to talk about the common work thread / interest with coworkers)"
even if for some reason quants were cold shouldering axe cappers like, a sound strategy even if team ben are worthy exceptions. Winston Can Get Petty When People Blame Quants Talking About Being Quants For Axe Cappers Harassing Tmc & also when in the process of doing so everyone's like "also you're smarter than us but no you're not, any math quants could do fundamental analysts could do better" like, winston getting more deliberately antagonistic when ppl are going after his Math Aptitude / value as a quant when that's his "objective" point of pride & confidence & possibly like haha self loathing can't get me here
5x02
winston's decimal points being more precise here i think indicates that the show is not taking the stance of "yeah the quants are just any old analysts with an attitude of superiority" lol
do think he selected that particular seating placement b/c it's like, hey furthest away from axe cap, most aligned with taylor's desk & angled towards it, perfect.....what a letdown
guess this episode suggests he and mafee have chats sometimes, and winston maybe confides At All Sensitive Info w/the guy? bold
always just smh like well thank god we were given this subplot where winston was a plot device really for dollar bill's arc or whatever............what a gift
5x03
just noticing as always how winston is the one person saying they should go for it vs the other two's skepticism / trepidation, and taylor decides to go for it.....they do value his input / trust his judgment
i am also noticing how often winston, as the math guy who doesn't really fit in w/ the whole axe / caply approach & style, has this role in giving taylor these crucial opportunities to pursue their own direction rather than be mired down in the misery of axe cap determining everything....3x11 & his algorithm letting them break completely away from axe cap, 4x11 & his admonishlogue making some Points & then next episode taylor does decide to abandon the revenge jag & says they were wrong & they're sorry....5x03 & this nlp strategy plotline being the first thing taylor could actively pursue for tmc after 2 eps of being dragged painfully through axe cap nonsense, & the fact this, in the next episode, leads to the Impact Fund idea / mase carb
5x04
see that last point
5x05
guess that until confirmed, The Glances being significant is a Headcanon Interpretation lol. anyways i do like taylor giving him these discreet, nonverbal cues as a very deliberate method of communication titrated betwixt them
oh right and an Age Cue here, before that was nailed down i think i already hc'd winston as either the same age as, or a year older than taylor, and that's still true lol, think that's how it goes with the timelines (taylor's being kinda uncertain, and winston's as well, having prior just kinda gone "well if taylor's 22 when they show up as the typical post undergrad age, and each season spans approx a year, and maybe winston spent just a year or two post undergrad getting a master's b/c nothing nails down how long it would take & he could've kinda been ahead of the curve as it were, he could be, say, 23 thru 25 in s3 when he shows up, to taylor's Maybe 23" as the Idea)
just wants to work for taylor as long as they'll have him, but would also like to be openly valued / affirmed on a pretty basic level lol...
one of those matters that's like, i do think that this is what the material is Trying to convey but it's not concrete / explicit, in that i think winston somewhat Likes rian right off lol like. i mean he's also still annoyed on principle, this is maybe his replacement & that stings that it's even a possibility & of course he has reason to want to feel like "oh well this person Clearly sucks" lol, but then there he is trying to scope out the situation & get immediate intel & it's like, here's this fellow 20something you immediately think is pretty (the mental comparison to an A lister as a dunk, lmao) & you see her being perfectly friendly with your nice coworker you're also friendly enough with, that's one degree of separation, now here he comes talking about how cool & epic & smart & capable she is, again makes sense he's still first & foremost bothered by the situation & has cause to just be more jealous about how well everyone immediately thinks of her (see: winston making bad first impressions that may never be undone, the fact other coworkers were probably never going around openly impressed with / praising him after meeting him for 5 sec, or like, ever) but i suppose this immediate underlying sense of attraction / affinity hits in that First Sighting as well
love that we see the feet up on the desk show of confidence again, very funny & glad it's back.....a tool in his arsenal for when he's Very Bothered But (unsuccessfully) Acting Very Unbothered / when he's trying to pitch for his employment lol
when did he have a first gf? perfect time for an hc.....feels like it'd have been like, idk, older high schoolers at the youngest, that kind of emotional commentary....or in college. sometimes pondering the idea like, what if he had a bf first actually.....or not, & Feeling A Way around other guys sometimes like, hmm guess i think this guy is pretty cool &/or i'm kinda like "god i wish that were me" about, then some more noticeable Tension as he's older even if he can't really discern the reason b/c this person's pretty nice & cool actually, hmm. then one day you're doing hw together with a while for code to compile & Oh Hey Lol
meanwhile think clearly rian defuses the Reason For Rivalry (and also clearly immediately likes him / interacting with him & you know, outright sticks up for him & in this significant way) & then when they connect over Math it's all coming together very outright like Oh Hey Lol 😳
also he Gets Right Back To Work easily enough, & like, i think already there's a deliberate performance of "i'm now totally unbothered," but he's just pretty good at shaking things off apparently. & he kind of has to be, to not bail completely or else tamp down his own personality / avoid interactions, but you know. plus that like, he may get irritated when his pride's wounded but around here people can have a whole crisis & arc about it if their egos are bruised in the slightest, so like. pretty blasé
5x06
this isn't really any hc or Interpretation by any stretch but this is the first time we've seen winston pull that particular attitude in that second scene with rian and it's beautiful.....if something's bothering him he's so often like outright indignant but this is like, i'm Bothered but i'm being so dignant about it, for like 4 sec
also the bright green hoodie / bright, high contrast, geometric blockbuster tee is so Vivid but like, always noting how he wears relatively colorful outfits. fun to go "maybe this one's deliberately extra eye catching b/c of this new crush" lol
5x07
the difficulty in reading that much into things when the lack of sobriety could be making any & everything an outlier, & can't even really read into "apparently down to take stimulants (beyond caffeine) on a dime" b/c well, so is everyone else, so that this situation can unfold, we knew he had a crush on rian (or i guess we didn't, but this is pretty direct about it), we knew he likes validation, taylor Knows him well enough that it's not just like "oh he's acting weird? well that's winston for you" to them, which we also knew but it's fun to confirm further lol
and now for some more free floating / general concepts
family? i have no idea. feel like he either has no siblings or several but yknow, anything's possible. we know what he's like Now, don't think he got that solid self esteem / self confidence as an emergent quality from [everything that happened to him before 3x03] & don't suppose he has this like, rock solid close warm familial relationship of understanding & unconditional love & support w/whoever he grew up with, parents or siblings or whoever he lived with....like, the relationship/s could be Fine but you know, still not all that close
i don't think he was every completely friendless (or if he was, it didn't last Too long) in terms of like, throughout school maybe he had some pals, no amazing close [fingers crossed Like That] ones where someone had like, grown up as his next door bestie and they did everything together & knew everything about each other, nothing all that close, but he had people to sit with at lunch or what have you, even if at times like, the table nobody else really sits at but the people who don't have anywhere else to sit lmao. maybe some slightly closer friendships here & there, but people often kind of got subsumed into other friend groups that he wasn't otherwise a part of / otherwise just kind of gradually distanced again...but also possible he had perfectly amicable occasions of like, maybe only having a class or two with certain people, not striking up intimate friendships but hitting it off well enough.........like, winston's out here Not having been stomped down into suppressing his personality all the time, he's still fairly earnest & forthcoming & eager to connect, just sort of vaguely going for "he maybe have always had this element of discouragement & disappointment re: socializing / connecting / forming relationships / sometimes just being accepted on a basic level, but he also didn't have his spirit totally extinguished either" although there's also the room for stuff like, yknow, him Holding Out Hope like "well nobody likes me now / i'm unhappy but maybe once i'm in college [gets to college & still isn't having a great time] okay well once i Enter The Workforce" lol. you know
but it's also like, hardly think he's Only Just Now experiencing the [winston: ___ everyone: get his ass] type stuff & pushback & punishment & disdain over not really doing anything but people hate his style & vibe, & feel like there's also still room for like, yep wow got burned sometimes / having had some pretty negative experiences......we do have to end up in this place where, you know, 3x03 happens and he doesn't just go "guess finance isn't for me!" & dust himself off & go get some Guarantees from some tech firms, & instead he's Really Glad [Taylor] Called & hasn't taken some other more desired job between 3x03 & that call & is immediately like "good news: i do hate myself" so like, can't see him having just thrived his way to this point....evidently not all dating relationships have been just epic highs & victories, maybe he has those math meetup pals now & maybe idk there's other people he's in sort of in contact with, maybe people from college / grad school or the like, still not that close, figure he's generally been lonely like, overall, despite regularly enough seeking out / striving for connections
oh yeah speaking of, the idea that he has a cat maybe lol, in part simply for company, a little guy that lives in your house / apartment....but also maybe he doesn't
always just some general notions like, also idk maybe he engages in hobbies, talks to people through that just like with math meetup....talked about the Embroidery idea, got that computers/programming connection, was thinking like, idk fuck it amateur photography, develop your own film, maybe he took a class in college or high school or something, same with like, maybe he plays a musical instrument, said "the cello, why not" about that as an early [shrug] idea lol. he does like space, maybe he does Anything with that....rip to any astronomy clubs In Nyc like, guess you're not seeing shit, but. 4x11 au, after deferring his bonus he goes to some cool cinematographic celestial occasion like taylor & the sea glass fish carousel lmao. taylor catches up & they have their [i'm sure you remember, i was on the phone with you, sweetheart] exchange lol.....except also not, b/c you wouldn't really want to have Parallels with m/any moments ft. wendy & taylor :/
recalled like a particularly casual / throwaway idea about like "lol what if he was somewhat thalassophobic" in part b/c once actor william dropped that lore abt himself in an interview, but. could have somewhat some other phobia/s. or not really any! what a world
maybe sometimes he's out here like, single & ready to Fuck like, focusing on just hooking up w/people sometimes rather than really looking to date at the juncture, although it could both be true like, he'd Like to be dating but also doesn't really currently want to do all the Putting Himself Out There & such of seeking it out / trying to consciously navigate it, but sometimes it's more manageable like, just wanting to have sex. looking out for himself when he can & how he can lol
speaking of, some vague sexy hcs
gets pegged
especial fan of Tongue Against Tongue texture, enjoys some Grounding elements to avoid being overwhelmed / narrow things to the more relevant sensory input at hand, like the weight/pressure of a partner leaning / lying against him / holding him tightly, if he's overwhelmed in a good way / kinda got some sensory overflow in a good way he might cry during sex In A Good Way lol, took some time maybe in his Personal Sexual Experience to figure out some general differences in "what he doesn't like at all" or "what's off the table / too unpleasant for him at some times but Not necessarily at all times & might be completely enjoyable sometimes," like, am i willing to perform oral sex, am i willing & Enthusiastically so, is that way too much actually, it can be all of them at varying times....maybe in more everyday general situations he refrains from stims in front of others unless stressed enough, but while having sex with someone especially if at all nervous it's like, there can be this transition between repressing stims & being more unfiltered / uninhibited where they kind of build up & then come through in kicks only to be reined back in, either like, he simply does go for a more reined in approach the whole time or anyone else is willing to ride this out with him / he kind of has the time & space to figure out more of a flow, in which case he might still stim but you know, not as though people aren't used to stims in this situation, i.e. reacting to stimulation with movement & vocalization is at least expected & it could once again be like "well he's a bit weird with it but hey" lol or you know, not that some partners can't be understanding or have had experience w/similar partners. hardly make or break but this can be a vulnerable interaction here / hard to shake the self consciousness & sense of "i Do have to filter myself and act The Right Way" all at once just b/c you'd want to
hey and let him sing karaoke or something lmao, winston is as Dramatic as he is, he would give a performance. work in a way to let everyone who sings sing around lol, could throw in some Affectations so that it's like yeah winston can sing without having to be like "wow winston, when'd you become a trained broadway performer" lmao. imagine. which reminds me of the time will joked about like, oh yeah winston Gets That A Lot re: people recognizing he looks like the guy in deh, aka will roland....the limitations of "this is set in real nyc" including occasional references to recent / popular shows, fuck it maybe will roland does also exist in the billions universe. well anyways it would be fun. the karaoke anyways, and that he'd give a top tier Performance whether or not people are first and foremost enjoying his technical / artistic skill at the art of singing, it'd at least be personality infused and engaging
taking it way back to the ideas about winston's social misadventures in general, i'm sometimes considering for fics i never end up writing if he might have some like, misgivings / anxieties about like, is this person i Like acting like they maybe Like me back as some kind of elaborate joke, & maybe the caution comes from experience like you know, classic over the line "pranks" like asked out As A Joke, kissed As A Dare that he wasn't aware of, think there could be like, would be Friendship / friendly acquaintanceship experiences in there where such "pranks" / "jokes" / "messing with him" (and not in a good way) could happen, or even just you know, more Spontaneously, don't even know this person & he's treated as a joke for other ppl's entertainment, realizing at the time or retrospectively like oh maybe i was more being bullied then having any positive social interaction / getting to feel at least "included" or what have you, like, the idea of getting to hang out with a group as The Funny Guy, but he's had these experiences getting to hang out with a group & realize it's b/c they thought he was funny / Amusing in a laughing At him, not with him way, which is easy also b/c winston isn't really out here trying to be funny that we've seen lol. only realizing he was still being excluded after some time / distance from the situation, or escalating open hostility / just more blatant meanness / over the line shit from some people, maybe some stuff that just immediately feels shitty but he figured was just like, well idk, maybe that's normal & still friendly, maybe it also felt more outright embarrassing / demeaning at the time but it's like haha yeah you got me :'] at the time just to save any face lol.....possible unexpected / spontaneous amicability in his socializing history, but also shittiness, whether it's coming at him all at once or he's kind of holding out hope like, well, i just keep at it / have a Friendly attitude here and surely i'll make friends b/c if people didn't like me At All why are they talking to me / letting me be here at all.....
always kind of pondering Fashion Variation, we haven't seen it but it could be possible, musing on "what would he think Looks Good On Him / how does he feel capable of like, dressing for romantic success or what have you lol" like, was the vivid 5x06 outfit anything, cue the drawing like, a bralette & short shorts is shaking it up and could be a Felt Cute outfit and could also be comfortable enough....not always That much room in men's(tm) fashion before you start having to be aware of [Gender] and dunno that winston out here has had the inspiration / motivation / opportunity to consider / try out / explore but hey. what are we here for
just remembered that post like "uhh i just saw a guy crying in the library & then his phone alarm went off & he stopped crying, opened his laptop & started typing / it's called time management" lmao like winston's not out here having the Most amazing time, he could have such Time Management experiences of like, letting it out some on purpose but then reining it right back in, and/or just like some spontaneous paroxysms of crying for a minute or two more unexpectedly in a "do you ever [experience a tiny inconvenience] & realize the thread by which you're hanging on is quite thin" way or otherwise, you know, oops experienced this frustration & now i'm crying over it, or idk, just feeling a bit more vulnerable for whatever reason & something has unexpectedly plucked some emotional string attached to another string attached to another & the resonance = i'm crying now ig. he can't be Thriving out here & i don't think he's all about having such a stranglehold on emotions that he's like oh tf i Never cry (aside from having sex, in a good way)
although speaking of like, emotional repression, maybe he's out here just "good at" compartmentalizing some experiences lol in that "well anyways, back to work" way & stuff like, sure he knew he was risking it in 4x11 but it also did not seem to affect his dynamic with mafee at all lmao like wow.....
think that him not really having anything on his work desk is a choice / preference but also am not sure that that really applies to anything else lmao. what if he had a little plant. that'd be funny
oh yeah and the idea that winston might literally have like prophetic dreams & they're just kind of a nuisance to him but sometimes they can be plot devices in fics (that don't exist) about him kissing people
well i'm just calling it a night there lol but like, it always feels Lacking writing out hc's like, plenty of ideas but also hardly any, and yet the fact that other individual ideas are so Vague / casual that it wouldn't be like "oh i gotta share this via post or manifesting it some other way" so then it feels like, oh no, if i don't list absolutely Everything on something that's specifically a list of hc's, i can never talk about whatever gets left out......and just that like, i ought to have a bunch of really specific, concrete, unique Factoids about winston here to be of any interest but hey lmao. that hypothetical set of concepts is never gonna happen, & the Ultimate Comprehensive List Of Everything I've Ever Pondered Re: Winston is also going to be difficult lmfao (not as though that's what you've asked in the first place) but you know, we took a swing at things here & covered some ground & the thinking about & talking about winston never ends, & this isn't really a post meant to have broad appeal / if you're not already having fun reading vague musings about the quant then i'm sorry you're reading this after having read all that and gone "wow, i'm disappointed" lmao but hey, weird choices made to bring you to this point......also god knows plenty of hcs are more filed away under specific like [Tayston], [Benston], [Riawin] sort of things (lol, [Mafon]) b/c on the one hand, i find it easier to kind of think in Scenarios and the details particular to the "scenes" therein, but i am also not good at thinking of those scenarios! out here operating on vibes, he's autistic and wants to kiss taylor (also now rian but that's kinda right in canon, not just my head) and that's really the crucial info here
#winston billions#nothingunrealistic#posting these things at 7am lol just had to give this a shot all at once really#there was never going to be a concise & comprehensive post here so just gotta go for it#certainly vs trying to think up that beautiful engaging collection of concrete hc's & thus never writing Anything lol#and anyways it's also like; this is a niche post for an even nicher audience so#quantnoisseur is about having fun and being yourself. for me#thanks again for returning the favor!! do love the opportunity here#again hope i don't like recall three dozen obvious things i should've included once i post this but
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I think the issue with death as a happy ending (to a story, I should point out - death can be many things in many places, but I’m specifically talking about it in fiction) is that it’s usually written so badly that it doesn’t feel like a happy ending and it just feels like shit. There’s a very limited number of fictional works that I’ve seen actually manage it well - though in saying that, I have a very limited range, and I don’t really enjoy new things because (reasons). The ones I do recall, it’s because they were just that good and bittersweet is exactly the way I would describe them as a happy ending.
Firebringer was a novel I read when I was 12 or 13, and I still recall it. It was about a deer and it was his entire life - birth to death - and it was a happy ending. I cried through the last few chapters. Then I reread it and cried some more. It was good.
There’s also a fic I want to mention, because it’s on the topic. It’s called The white whale. and it’s by an author named orange_crushed. The entire premise of the fic is that Dean (and Sam, but it’s a destiel fic) is already dead. He died years ago. The title itself should say a lot, and the fic itself is about finding peace. It’s brilliant and beautiful, and I love it.
My perspective on death is a bit. Odd, maybe? I grew up somewhere between Christian (mum and dad and church, a mix of Baptist and Anglican) and animist (local indigenous spirituality), and while bit of both inform my interpretation, I’m very nearly atheist.
I don’t really believe in an afterlife, or rebirth, or anything like that. I believe that this is it. We get one shot at being who we want to be and acting as we choose with what we’re given. (“And isn’t it so wonderful, that we were alive at the same time?”)
I first heard the Freedom From vs Freedom To argument when reading the handmaid’s tale in my English class at school. It wasn’t even presented as an argument, everyone just seemed to agree that freedom to is better. I believe that, too. But freedom from has structure. It’s not “peaceful” and it can’t be when it is enforced, but it is informed by rules, and there it has expectations and is reliable (where reliable means we know what the consequences are, even if they’re awful). Freedom to is anarchy (which I have come to appreciate more). But neither freedom is peace.
There’s a quote I really love, and I can never recall it properly and it goes something like this: “War is an ugly thing, but it is not the ugliest. The decayed and degraded state of moral feeling which thinks nothing is worth war is much worse. A man who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing more important than his own personal fucking safety, is [the worst thing]” clearly I don’t recall it very well. It’s from an old bit of hp fanfic, of all things, a very violent and disgusting version of civil war - as war is. It was the beginning of why I’m not a pacifist.
I dunno. I guess I really feel like peace - true, genuine peace - can’t be done. It’s certainly worth striving for, worth trying, but peace is either isolation and loneliness or death. Peace is knowing you’ve done everything you can, that it was enough, and being able to let it go.
Any way I think I had a point somewhere in this, maybe something about being unable to put down a fight while you’re living, maybe something about how death can be kind, maybe something about how good writing can make sad things happy, maybe that bittersweet is still sweet. Idk.
Feel free to reply to this mess of ideas or not - or pick and choose what you want to reply to, if you’d like to reply to specific parts. I mostly just wanted to share (I can do discussion, but idk if I’m still gunna have any focus later to do so, or if I’ll even see a response) some thoughts and you’re usually the only person I see on my dash with this sort of ~vague philosophy things~.
Woah when did anons get to let someone submit something so long.
Either way, a few points on this.
1. a thoughtful piece, this is a philosophy piece I will gladly entertain. However, if we are entertaining philosophy we must
2. acknowledge this is a nihilistic piece contingent on your personal world views, that while valid, and I will not take any effort to undermine on a personal belief system level
3. do not have much to do with (dependent on fringe atheism or, perhaps, agnosticism) a piece that is far from secular and atheistic while also
4. relying on the idea that “I really feel like peace - true, genuine peace - can’t be done. It’s certainly worth striving for, worth trying, but peace is either isolation and loneliness or death.”, which is itself the very nihilistic idea imparted by Chuck’s matrix but, whether you believe it in the real world, is the active target of subversion within this fantasy world, (eg, a heaven revolution where the doors are opened just like they were in hell.)
5. Finally, presumptuous that it would not be ‘well written’ and predesignating a potential discontent with the delivery that would sour it, especially with the previous points.
That said, while I’m not going to argue directly with your real life belief system -- even if they clearly disagree with my own -- I do remind you--falling back to your point that you do not believe in an afterlife: we know this fictional story does not hold this belief, ergo using that as a judgment for how it would deliver the concept of eternity is itself already wounding oneself to receiving the moral of the canon. One can not suddenly expect SPN to become a secular show just because a viewer has secular and atheistic beliefs. It is inherently asecular, theistic, and gnostic in its bones and the story will thus tell itself within that structure, which then begs if one is willing to suspend a personal belief system for a fictional canon setting they are digesting the story of.
Similarly-and-so, this is contingent on believing that the heroes’ journey will end with them maintaining the current status quo, rather than making a world where--in this fictional world in which an afterlife exists--death does not itself mean loneliness, but rather reunion.
If we can suspend our beliefs in some shows with fighting dragons or farting lightning bolts (after all, nonnie references HP fanfic), I would hope people could suspend them in regards to a moral telling of found family and the sovereignty of man in a divine and moral play.
If one were to demand SPN have entirely atheistic storytelling, the only real way to handle an ending would be to have one of the characters wake up from a 15 year coma where none of it was real and it was all a dream or something to that affect which--lol, we’re not doing, I promise. I’m sorry, but we’re not. We’re not taking the “none of it mattered because none of it happened” angle. We’re not going to a world where angels and the afterlife don’t exist, we’re not going to collapse it where suddenly death IS the true end and life sucks and then you die, it’s just not going to happen.
So the point then is an active choice on the part of the viewer: is this suddenly the line you draw after watching a theistic show for 15 years, doubling down that this specific theistic point is the one thing we can’t accept (despite it existing in the past already), or do we continue to watch a theistic show and interpret its theistic points as the story is trying to depict? And if it’s the “drawing the sudden line,” that is, quite frankly, a personal choice to have spontaneous discontent with a critical part of a canon story’s telling at a very sudden drawn line in the sand.
The point to exit would have been pilot 1.01 if we were going to have fundamental problems with spirits and an afterlife as crucial elements of a story. And if not then, 4.01 with angels. And if not then-- you see where this goes on. There were multiple exit ramps if the idea of an afterlife, which became more and more directly explored, was going to be an issue in reception of or enjoyment of a text. So now we’re 15 years later, and we can’t expect the highway to reroute just because we didn’t take the other 100 ramps.
SPN will tell the full spread of its moral and divine play within the full spread of its moral and divine sandbox, which someone has--to reach the ending--accepted for fifteen years at this point. If one has a fundamental problem with the entire premise of the show, it is not an obligation to any writer to cater to someone who intrinsically disagrees with the entire structure of the body of work to fulfill something within a completely different paradigm. It’s not.
Am I lucky in that it matches my beliefs? Maybe. Also cursed. Very very cursed. Because it’s led to being Through The Looking Glass for two years to the point there’s a segment of fandom that treats me as a magic 8 ball--and sometimes rightfully so, not to sound like I’m tooting my own horn or whatever. It just knows I get the structure in play to a fault. But cursed knowledge aside -- and trust me, it’s cursed as FUCK most of the time -- in the end, even when I watch shows that don’t match my personal theology, I don’t sit here and suddenly expect them to do so. There’s plenty of shows I completely suspend my beliefs in to enjoy within the sandbox they were designed in the constraints of so I find it very weird to project a discontent with a body of fictional canon presenting ideas within its own rule set based on personal beliefs in a real life lens. I mean, I don’t believe dragons exist, but if I watch the Dragon Prince for many seasons, I can’t suddenly expect the ending to have nothing to do with Dragons?
I mean, the show is literally called Supernatural. It's right there in the name. There are going to be supernatural elements about the show. My banner image is literally a reborn soul floating down the aisle. This isn't gonna suddenly be irrelevant at the end.
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The Birth Of A Liar Part Four
||Part One||Part Two||Part Three||Part Four||Part Five||
I can’t believe I’ve written four of these already... but now is when things get a bit more interesting.
Trigger Warning: Kidnapping,ne*dles,and mentions of past Daganronpa executions.
It’s six years later, Kokichi and some of his orphan friends are in an orphanage. They had been found out. The building that they used to use, all the things that they stole and all their shared happy memories were now collecting dust in a damp abandoned brick structure. The men in the uniforms were very thorough in their orders. All the children wearing the clown masks and costumes that Halloween night were to be brought in. The Tokyo law enforcement building was now up to the brim with rowdy children calling for someone named “Kokichi Ouma”, the child who disappeared so many years ago. Who was to know he was housing orphans or children from bad homes. Even the father killer Maki Haruwaka was found. Kokichi refused to talk, afraid to trust adults after what he’s seen them do. They’ve murdered three people, two of which were his own parents. Who’s to say these people won’t hurt his new family?
Though all they did was gather them up, give them a big dinner to eat (even bigger than the meals that DICE usually gives), before taking them to the local orphanage, Kokichi included. One would think that he would be a bit happy, he and the other Co Leaders didn’t have the weighted responsibility of the lives of over a thousand children. Though Kokichi was not relieved. He was even more worried. Especially since one of his ten Co Leaders didn’t come back. A day didn’t go by where Kokichi didn’t worry about Maki. Where did she go? Why wasn’t she caught like the rest? Did she and Goro go back to their real home? And what about Hanako? So many thoughts preoccupied his head that he almost couldn’t get himself awake that morning. Luckily the younger kids were able to wake him up, placing his hand in cold water and pouring water on him to make it seem like he had wet himself. The cold water wakes him up instantly, his body jolting out of bed in the sitting position. “Wha-?” He pulls his covers noticing the wet spot. “Oh great...”
The eruption of laughter from the children woke him up even more. Grogginess made it hard for the leader to realize but after seeing the cup of water, the squirt bottle in one child’s hand, and the small evil Kokichi Ouma like grins behind poorly drawn clown masks he notices that his pranking skills have been passed on to the future faces of his club. “Nyhehehe, you got me good. I’ll be down for breakfast shortly.”
Once he shoos the kiddos off, he puts on his boring school clothes and heads downstairs. Once he got there, a roar of laughter and chatting filled his ears. It was by the television set in the living quarters...what kind of event would warrant such a joyful response from the others? Perhaps a new anime show had aired? Curiously he approaches only to hear that God awful song in his ears. The wretched rock intro to one of his most despised shows on television. Danganronpa. The black and white bear character comes close to the camera, smiles evily, then cuts to scenes of...well...violence. Violence and death. And the kids were eating this up like candy.
“Hey! The next season of Daganronpa is heading to you this year, and we want YOU to be apart of it!” A cheesy announcer cheerfully gloats as the children watch with happy giggling. This made Kokichi feel sick. “We’re accepting audition tapes to find the next ULTIMATE. Do you think YOU can be the last one standing in the Killing Game? Then send a video to ———————- and tell us why you think you’re perfect for Daganronpa! You must be eighteen or older to register. Wearenotresponsibleforanymemoryortraumawhenyouapply.”
That last comment went a bit too fast and it was very hard to hear the announcer over the loud music, but all of this did sound fishy.
“If I was in the killing game, I’d kill everyone and no one would even know!” Exclaimed one boy, a boy from DICE given he has a drawn clown mask in his hands. Being the leader Kokichi had to step up.
“That’s MURDER. Killing is MURDER. You’re a member of DICE. You should know better.”
The boy rolls his eyes. “Relax, Koki. It’s all fake. Do you really think a talking robot teddy would kill anyone?”
“Or turn them into butter? Or deep fry them alive? No that would be too horrible to be real but on television they can work their magic~!” Chimes in a girl, another one of DICE’s orphans. How could they like this?! Each time he saw another “body discovery” or even the way they executed the killers just....it was horrible! Probably edited with special effects and music for the audience but if you were there the music wouldn’t be and you’d be hearing every bit of pain they were experiencing. Why watch that? WHY give money to that!?
“Eighteen huh...oh yeah! Koki is turning eighteen in a few months! Why doesn’t Koki apply?”
“Yeah! Kokichi is the kindest bestest leader of our group! If anyone could win it would be Kiki!”
All the eyes were on him now and he...froze up? Even if he was a leader and the founder of an organization, being the center of attention for such a large audience not of just his members made him fill with anxiety. Watching his every move, listening to his every word, it was enough pressure as it was to have all these kids look up to you. “Uhh...sorry. I don’t kill. And I don’t expect to be killed anytime soon thank you very much.” What sort of leader would go back on his own word? Death was horrible. Glorifying death, glorifying grief and pain...he didn’t want to have anything to do with that sort of philosophy.
“You don’t have to kill! You can just uncover the mastermind! And with the prize money for winning we could build back up the headquarters and leave this place!”
Wait...prize money? There was prize money for a game about killing people? Or is it for the one who survives? The children continue to root for him to apply not understanding the real consequences of him doing so. The purple haired boy put his hand to his head to massage the ever growing tension that was slowly rising. “I-I dunno...I-I’ll see.” That wasn’t a very satisfactory answer for the children as they cried out in disappointment. This was a big deal...he couldn’t just decide to do this right away. His quick to act intuition had failed him before, and he tries to take what Maki said to heart to not make the same mistake twice.
All the children gathered around the table to eat breakfast. Honestly Kokichi wasn’t hungry at that moment. He would only nibble a little on his eggs and toast before telling the workers he was full. The others wouldn’t stop begging him to join and it made his stomach feel sick. He quickly left for school.
Walking through the halls of his high school, he spots a peculiar poster hung outside one of the AV Room. It had that bear on it. That grinning bear that so gleefully sends those people to their deaths. What was his name? Mononucleosis? Monogram? Meh. Who cares. The poster however had the words “Daganronpa Audition Sign Up” in big letters above the smirking ursine. Blinking a few times, Kokichi weighs the situation. If he doesn’t do something about this, more stupid kids will be sent to their death in front of millions of people. However if he somehow RUINS the game, maybe he could stop it entirely!
There it was. His new goal! A purpose to save everyone before they’ve tricked into this horrific trap!
“Are you here for the audition? Hellooooo? Excuse me?”
He was pulled out of his thoughts by a girl with glasses, her uniform wasn’t the same the girl’s wore here however...maybe she worked for Daganronpa? No...she was definitely a high schooler. Even her bag mentioned an “anime club” which was featured right across it. There was definitely no anime club here but he knew other schools had them. Kokichi turns to the female, his words stuck in his throat.
“Umm y-yeah. Yes I am.”
“You’re really short for an upperclassman. Are you eighteen?”
“Yes, I-I mean close to it. My birthday is in two months...” Shit why was he being so shy now? Yeah the blue haired girl was pretty, but he wasn’t attracted to her! Maybe it was the fact she works for a big television company and that intimidated him?
“That’s fine, the next season won’t start for three months anyway so I think you’ll be fine...” The girl then holds out a clipboard with many forms on it and a pen to use. Kokichi stares at it confused. The girl gives him a reassuring smile and waved her arms in front of her. “Oh no need to be alarmed by that, it’s just tv speak. You know, that we’re able to use your name and face and everything.” The girl explains. Well...she didn’t say anything about risking their real life...so maybe it was okay.
He signs in every page that needed it, hardly reading the fine print. The girl smiles and places the forms in another folder to make everything neat. However from the corner of his eye he could see a familiar sign of someone on one of the forms. The name “Maki Haruwaka” written on one form in the folder. His eyes went wide. No...it couldn’t be the SAME Maki Haruwaka right? She hated death as much as he did! Still knowing that she was still out there gave him a small amount of relief. Maybe he really shouldn’t have done it, but Kokichi spoke up.
“Maki Haruwaka signed up too?” The blue haired girl tilts her head looking curiously up at him. “Oh? You know her? Why yes! She goes to my school so I see her a few times in the halls. Oh that’s right! You two were running an orphanage together, right?” Kokichi nods hesitantly. He hasn’t seen her for a good six years, what could she be doing right now? Were her siblings safe as well? What about the other DICE members? “Aww that sounds like a good anime plot. I’ll have to look into if anyone has already done it.” she pushes up her glasses. “Anyway you want to use the AV room to record your video, right?”
“My what now?”
“Your audition tape!” She takes one video tape from a box to show as an example. “Don’t worry the tapes are private and the camera won’t start recording until you press the button on its control panel.”
Well that....was sort of comfortable he guesses. He nods and hesitantly made his way inside. The AV room looked a lot different then he thought it would. Most chairs were put up to the side, a square made of white tape stood on the wooden floor in front of a large television set and a camera mounted to the top of it. Gulping to himself, Kokichi gets closer to the camera. His shiny blueish purple hair illuminated the television screen as his pale face hides his features behind his bangs.
He reached up both hands and quickly slapped his face. Now wasn’t the time to be timid and scared. He had to do this. For his friends, for the children of the world, for Maki, for DICE.
Clearing his throat, Kokichi puts up the biggest smile he could.
Then moves the bangs out of his face a little, and finally presses the record button.
“Hello adoring public, the name is Kokichi Ouma of Tokyo Japan! That’s right, the kid who hid away with a group of orphans for so long!” They should remember the story, after all it was worldwide news when it happened. Then he places his hands behind his head in an attempt to look more laid back. “I’ve led a whole raid on Tokyo, though we didn’t do anything illegal...yet.” He does his famous evil smile, his finger to his lips. “I’m an AVID fan of the Killing Games and who better to be in it than me~? I promise I will be the most interesting contestant you’ve ever had~!”
And with that he stopped the tape. That lie hurt to say, it felt gross even coming out of his mouth. But he had to. He had to for the sake of his family. Now it was done. He won’t even tell the kids back at the orphanage he did it. If he gets in he gets in.
Now all there was to do was to go back to his classes like normal. Though he could have sworn he saw the blue haired girl watching him closely as he leaves...
——————
Days went by and there was nothing out of the ordinary. No announcements, no more audition try outs or blue haired glasses girl, just normal every day school day. Again the children woke him up by pranks, this time a bucket of cold ice water, making him scream high pitched before laughing and taking the joke. Then downstairs there were breakfast and the kids watching the Daganronpa rerun, and then it was off to school.
The day was normal. There was nothing odd.
Weeeelll...except for that black car following him. He could have sworn he heard someone ask if “that was the guy” and the other one affirming with a “yes”. Oh Lord legs don’t fail him now.
He tries to leg it but was quickly swooped up by...grey people?! That’s as much as he could see before he was grabbed. As he struggled for freedom, he could feel something get shot into him, like the booster shots they get. It did hurt for a second, and Kokichi did twist and thrash for dear life, but suddenly his body felt...sleepy. He lets the exhaustion overcome him before he’s knocked out like a light.
#kokichi ouma#kokichi oma#i can't believe I've written four of these#daganronpa v3#daganronpa headcanons#daganronpa killing harmony
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Fic Writer Interview
Tagged by @allislaughter
Name: Ranger, aka Ranger-Nova which was my FFN name (AO3 is Ranger_Nova)
Fandoms: I’m in plenty that I don’t write for (Star Wars, Star Trek, Sherlock Holmes, etc.) but the ones I’ve written for are Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, Doctor Who, and Babylon 5.
Where you post: AO3 and FFN, though not all of my old FFN stuff is on AO3 because it’s....... not good
Most Popular One-shot: Birds of a Feather, which was just a tiny ficlet where Six and Bill meet based on a prompt I got. Not sure why everyone liked that one so much.
Most Popular Multichap: Shatterpoint, unsurprisingly, since it’s my longest.
Favorite story you’ve written so far: Probably Shatterpoint again. It’s far from perfect and I’m sure I’d change a bunch of stuff if I were to do it over, but I’m very proud of having written and completed a 300k fic. I learnt a lot while writing it, because I was juggling so many characters and plot threads and a huge amount of work went into the planning and figuring out how to tie it all together. And it paid off because I wrote the final 70k words in under a month, without even trying, because I’d put so much thought into it and knew exactly where I was going. Again, dunno if it’s good, but it was fun to write and I gained a lot of experience.
Fic you were nervous to post: All of them? I don’t actually like posting fics lol. I guess I’ll go with my most recent one, because it’s a romance (sorta) and I lean much more towards gen, and it’s primarily about a one-off character who only had like 30 seconds of screentime in canon, so I wasn’t really sure if anyone would be interested, especially considering how tiny the BLoSC fandom is. But I actually got some nice feedback on it, so I’m happy.
How do you choose your titles: Out of desperation after much cursing when I go to upload and realise it still needs a name.
Do you outline: Usually, though what that looks like depends on the fic. For shorter ones I just jot down a random collection of ideas, whereas for longer ones I have a more structured outline. I deviate from and adjust the outline as needed, though. The most important rule I’ve discovered in writing is that no element of your story is too sacred to change (or at least to consider changing - if it really is essential then it’ll stick, but if it’s not then you might come up with something better that you wouldn’t have if you kept clinging to your old ideas). If something doesn’t work, throw it out.
Complete: I’ve got over 30 online, and some completed stuff on my computer that just needs a bit of editing.
In progress: None online - I don’t post stuff until it’s finished. Plenty of wips scattered across my hard drive though.
Coming soon/not yet started: Nothing coming “soon” because I work very slowly, but I’ve got some future projects that may eventually see the light of day.
Prompts?: I do them sometimes. They can be fun. At the moment though I think I’ve got enough ideas on my plate already.
Upcoming work you’re most excited about: Not sure. I guess I’m excited to work on some of my UNIT era stuff when I get to that era in my DW rewatch.
Tagging @astudyinimagination, @witharthurkirkland, @memorydragon, @loverlylight and anyone else who wants to do it (I really don’t mind if you say I tagged you) because I don’t remember who else writes fics.
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Homesick (Entry #19)
(cw: vomiting, references to drugs)
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01/06/88 10:31 PM
Hey.
I’d thought that willingly bunking with Fix-it was weird. I had no idea.
You know pretty well my relationship to Wreck-it, but that’s not saying much. Anyone who sees us interacting basically knows the deal. There’s just not much more than the obvious. He’s huge, he’s dumb, and he’s got a temper shorter than a Nicelander’s arm, so, yeah, he’s my game’s resident prank and pestering dumping ground, fittingly enough. And, on the flipside, I’m small, I’m slick, I’m dang near impossible to catch when you’re that big and clumsy, and even when he does, and he throws me across the freakin’ map, I enjoy it. I’d wanna smash my face into the bricks, too, if I were him.
It felt a little close to insanity, then, thinking of welcoming myself to sleep on those bricks. I had basically nothing in my favor, other than the fact that we’ve never had a… y’know, serious fight, and very occasionally we’ll call a truce and rant about Fix-it over some root beers. Not much, but it had to count for something, right?
In any case, the arcade closed like any night. I was leaning back against my little lumpy brick knoll and idly plucking at my guitar by the time I heard those big elephant feet clomping on the bricks. I braced myself. Good or bad, it’d be uncomfortable.
“Alright, y’little guttersnipe, what did you leave me this time?”
He seemed to be talking more to himself than me. I guess he thought I’d left. Fair assumption -- why would I have stayed?
“Still here, trash gorilla.”
“What the--!?”
Stomp, stomp, stomp. He stood next to me, stance primed to smash if provoked. I didn’t bother looking up.
He barked, “You!”
“Me.”
“You wanna tell me what you’re doing in my home?”
He certainly didn’t sound happy, but I heard way more apprehension in his voice than anger. He obviously hadn’t forgotten what he’d seen on Niceland’s doorstep the night before. Remembering the look on his face just made me wish even more dearly that I had anywhere else to go.
I paid more attention to my guitar than him, hoping he would give up prematurely. “No, not really.”
“Oh, well, in that case, sure, just hunker down and make yourself a little nest without even kind of asking me.”
“Wayyy ahead of ya.”
Buttons easily pressed, he growled, “You got until the count of five to tell me what you’re up to, before I bowl you right down into the river, got it?”
“Sure you can count that high, monkey man?”
“Y’know what, let’s make it THREE. One…”
I rubbed my forehead, sporting a vicious withdrawal headache. I’d been brainstorming all day on excuses to throw at him, but always came up short. How do I explain away willingly staying in a dump with Wreck-it?
“Two…”
I finally looked up at him, with the sharpest glare I had. “I had nowhere else to go, okay! Happy now?!”
Wreck-it wavered for a second, like I’d thrown a ball at his head. He squinted, suspicious. “Wait. What do you mean? You’ve got plenty of places to go! I mean, Felix would obviously love to put you up, and--” he slowed, bogged down with memory, “--well… I guess you… were kinda screaming and smashing stuff up there this morning, so... maybe you’re… still mad at him or… something…”
He scratched his head. “Okay, maybe not Felix. But you’ve got your own place. That forest still looks pretty intact to me, sister.”
I went back to staring at my guitar. “I can’t stay there right now.”
“Why?”
“I just can’t.”
He went quiet for a minute. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see his fist relax a bit and rap gently against his leg. When he spoke again, his voice was a bit lower, but still reluctant.
He said, “You’re trouble, you know.”
“Thanks.”
“Everyone’s talkin’ like you’re big trouble. Like you could be dangerous.”
“What do you think?”
He paused. “...I’unno. I’m trying to stay out of it. It all sounds like a really… y’know, delicate matter, and... that’s not exactly my thing.”
I wasn’t sure how I felt about a neutral party. Part of me grimaced at the inevitability of him taking the majority’s side eventually, and part of me felt… safer, I guess. Like this guy wanted to go on pretending everything would just work itself out if he ignored it, so he’d be less likely to get up in my business. I had a glimmer of hope that we could both pretend nothing was wrong, moving forward.
I fiddled with my guitar some more. “Well… that’s probably for the best, huh.”
“But,” he growled, “you’re making it real hard to stay out of it, coming here. I just know you’re gonna get me wrapped up in this stuff, somehow. I oughtta throw you out on your keister before you get the chance.”
Looking up at him again, I asked, “Are you going to?”
His brow furrowed and his lips pressed together. He looked me up and down contemplatively, lingering in odd places. I got the impression that he was remembering the sight of me torn to ribbons. And then his eyes plainly fell to my neck. Suddenly, he looked as if he’d just read the saddest sentence of his life. Up until that point, he hadn’t noticed that I was wearing things that had belonged to you, that much was clear.
I felt the way most sprites must feel when they’re seen naked. I wanted to bury myself under the bricks.
“Gnah,” he grunted and threw his hand. “Look, if we’re really doing this, we need to lay down some ground rules. And these are real rules, not cute little make-being-bad-more-fun-for-Mavis rules. Agreed?”
“But I love those. The second kind.”
“Agreed?”
“Yes,” I leaned my head back, “obviously agreed. List your terms.”
“Okay. Rule number one -- no screaming. Everything that happened this morning? Don’t do that.”
“Noted.”
“Rule number two -- no name-calling, and-- and no no no, you look at me, right here,” he snapped his massive fingers, “when I’m telling you these, okay? Remember these -- y’know what, go ahead and write these down, while we’re at it. Take notes. Never can tell with you what you’re gonna conveniently forget. Go on, get your book out.”
Could have been worse demands, but I was still literally sick and tired, and not in the mood. I just blew a raspberry at the sky.
“Mavis.”
I blew a harder raspberry.
“Gh, you little--” my entire bag smacked me in the face, and not gently. “Don’t test me, kid. Start writing or you’re outta here.”
With a mighty groan, I did what I was told, and took down greatly paraphrased notes as he continued.
“As I was saying, rule number two,” he started counting off his fingers, “no name calling. You can’t be in my home and call me ‘trash gorilla’ or ‘homo erectus’ all the time. Leave the mean names at the door. ...Y’know, the metaphorical door.”
I raised my hand. “Question.”
“What?”
“Can I get them all out now, so they don’t slip out later?”
“Wh-- No.”
“Dang.”
“Okay, rule number three -- this is a big one. I don’t wanna wake up with anything written on me, or painted on me, or in my shirt, or stuck to my hair, or shoved in my nose, and -- y’know what, let’s just go ahead and make that, ‘Leave Ralph alone while he’s sleeping.’ I don’t turn into a toy when I close my eyes, got it?”
“Fine.”
“Rule number four -- same as rule number three, but about my stump. The stump is off limits. Don’t even sit on it. It’s not there for you.”
“Weird, but okay.”
“Rule number five -- whatever drama belongs in there,” he pointed at Niceland, “does not belong here. Okay? Don’t chuck bricks at windows or antagonize the Nicelanders or scream at Felix, none of that. They see you doing that from here, while I’m around, they’ll think I’m with you on it, you know? They’re all already not big fans of me, so don’t make that any worse.”
“Sure.”
“Uh, rule number six -- anyone throws garbage in here with food in it, that’s mine. You go get your own food.”
“Sheesh, gimme some credit. I got some standards on what kind of garbage I put in my body.”
He glared. “Just stay away from mine, okay?”
“Yeah, yeah,” I wrote it down.
“Number seven… you know, just don’t steal anything in general, food or otherwise. No sticky fingers.”
“What the cuss is there to steal, numbnuts? There’s nothing here but bricks and broken structures, and like, maybe a pie tin or two--”
“Ap, ap, ap!” He pointed at me. “Numbnuts? That’s name calling!”
Rule number two was gonna be harder than I thought. There are just too many names to call him, and you know I hate to waste names. “Okay, okay. Paws off, I get it. Anything else, highness?”
Wreck-it squinted at me, and I wondered if he was trying to decide if ‘highness’ counted as name calling. Apparently, it didn’t. But then he started looking around the expanse of bricks, obviously trying to think like me, and find any opportunities for mischief.
“Number eight,” he continued, “don’t, uh… paint any of my bricks.”
There was a lengthy pause.
“...Why?”
“Oh, I dunno, maybe because I said so?”
“Okay, you’re really reaching, now, Wreck-it. I think you’re just about out of rules. You’ve also only got two fingers left to go,” I pointed at his eight counted fingers. “Which is, coincidentally, what she said.”
His face screwed up. “Eugh, Devs, okay, y’know what? Rule number nine -- no dirty jokes.”
“Seriously? You’re fine with Tapper’s dirty jokes!”
“Yeah, ‘cus his are nowhere near as dirty as yours! It’s GROSS, Mavis! And, just, ugh,” he pushed his hair back, pointedly looking away, “hearing how much dirty stuff you actually know about just… gives me the willies.”
“That’s what she--” the strain was nearly physical. “You’re gonna make this very hard for me. That’s what-- Ugh,” I pinched my brow, “I’m making this very hard for-- That’s-- GAHH--!!”
I threw my hat.
“Watch it,” he warned me. “Remember rule number one!”
“How can you be so squeamish!? You live and breathe GARBAGE!”
“NO DIRTY JOKES!” He pointed at me like I was a dog, continuing the trend of my cabinet-mates treating me like an animal. “THAT’S FINAL!”
“FINE! GEEZ! I’ll keep it suitable for all ages, including nine-foot-tall babies--”
“That’s name calling!”
I broke rule number one. But, to be fair, it was more of a furious shout to the stars than a scream.
“FOR THE LOVE OF LITWAK, WHAT’S RULE NUMBER TEN!?”
“EASY, kid! This is the last one, so listen up! Rule number ten…” he had his hands on his hips, assessing me in an odd way. He was silent just a moment longer than I’d have liked, but when he spoke again, his tone was much more serious.
“Look,” he said, “I dunno what you’ve got on you, or got back in your little hideout, but I don’t want you bringing any booze or buffs here. I can’t control what you do out there, but while you’re on my bricks… you’re sober. Got it?”
I wanted to say no. My first instinct was to call it all off. The withdrawal was only flooding higher above my head with every passing hour, and the thought of being denied my release stirred up defiance in me that bordered on violent. He had no idea how useful buffs were to me. He had no idea how painfully and desperately I wanted one, just one.
But after that split-second passed, I realized there was no use getting upset. It wasn’t like I had any booze or buffs or even the capacity to get any. That would involve leaving the game, which… I wasn’t ready to think about. Besides, like I said before, the withdrawal really, really sucked. But I recognized it for what it was, and knew it would pass on its own. Hardly my first rodeo.
The verbal reminder of how badly I wanted a buff, however, really brought back the emphasis on how bad the withdrawals were getting. Chills hit me like, well, a ton of bricks. My stomach churned and I made a grab for the bucket I’d brought with me.
“Okay,” I nodded, breathing heavy into the bucket. “Sober. Got it.”
For a second, Wreck-it seemed a mix of confused and concerned. “Are you--”
I retched. Hard.
“GEEZ LOUISE!!” His voice went way higher than natural, and I heard his feet stamp away behind me as he cried out to the Devs. Nine-foot-tall baby. From the other side of his stump, he called, “You didn’t tell me you were sick!”
“Didn’t come up ‘til now,” I didn’t have the strength to appreciate my own accidental joke. I called back, mostly into the bucket, “Don’t freak out, I don’t have a virus or anything. And don’t you dare try to make a rule about this, ‘cuz believe it or not, I ain’t doing this for fun.”
“I know that,” I could hear the eye-roll. “I’m not stupid. It just would have been nice to know what I was in for before I decided to let you stay here.”
“Well,” I was panting by that point, and the sweat was making a real comeback, “now you know. Your guest is sick. But she’ll get over it in a few days, and she’s gotten real good at silent puking.”
“...A few days, huh.”
The pounding of his fists against the brick scared the bits out of me -- just a thing he does before settling down, like a dog turning in a circle. After I heard him lie down, he asked in a tired, but not quite annoyed tone, “So… just how long are you assuming I’ll put up with you?”
I spat. “I… can’t say right now, I don’t think. But I don’t like this any more than you do. It won’t go on a second longer than it has to.”
He grunted. “If you say so, I guess.”
The conversation ended there, for a bit. I spent a while teetering right on the edge of puking, until I backed away from that edge enough to head to the river and rinse out the bucket. Since I’d started shaking so bad, climbing back up the bricks took way longer than it should have. It made me miss flying so much. Everything did.
Once I got back, I did my absolute best to arrange my nest of pillows in a comfortable way, but you can only do so much on a pile of bricks. I could feel their corners jabbing up at me no matter what. All the same, I settled in.
After maybe ten minutes, I said, “Hey, Wreck-it.”
He grunted again.
“I’ve got some rules, too.”
“No you don’t. This is a favor I’m doing for you, in my home. You don’t get to make rules.”
“Okay,” I sighed. “Do I get to make polite requests?”
“I dunno. Are they ‘for-real’ polite or ‘Mavis’ polite?”
“For-real.” I paused. “I think.”
“...Seems unlikely. But, I’m listening.”
“Request number one -- don’t talk to anyone about me being here.”
He hummed. “Easy enough.”
“Request number two -- don’t ask me about what happened last night. About how I ended up on that doorstep. I know you’ve been thinking about it. But I’m not going to talk about it, so don’t ask. Don’t ask anything.”
“Woah, okay, okay. I wasn’t… going to. I won’t. Anything else?”
“Yeah. Don’t try to talk to me about…” my sentence derailed. I didn’t want to say your name out loud again. Felt like it would hit me too hard. “...about the 7th.”
He was silent for a long time.
“That’s fine with me.”
“...Good.” I felt just about ready to delete from exhaustion, but had the distinct feeling that sleeping would be near impossible. I was just pulling up my blanket when Wreck-it piped up again.
“Rule number eleven--”
“No. No, you’re done with those. You can’t count on your toes, now.”
“Last one, for real this time,” he insisted. “Rule number eleven -- just… just keep your dang clothes on, will ya?”
I didn’t laugh.
It was a bizarre feeling. I knew it was funny, but my sense of humor felt like wet firewood. That little spark of laughter just wouldn’t catch.
“I’ll try,” I answered, “but I still plan on bathing.”
He grumbled, but made no further comment. That was it for the night. We went about our personal businesses of trying to sleep through the wrongness of it all. It took him a bit longer than I thought it would, probably because he wanted to sleep with one eye open, but eventually, his trumpeting snores started. They’ve never really bothered me before, but getting them point-blank is really an experience. Needless to say, they were far from a lullaby.
Not that anything resembling a lullaby would have helped. The sleeping conditions there were even worse than Niceland. Trying to sleep out in the wide open is just unnerving to me. My little nest faced away from the entirety of the map, and the dump doesn’t extend into another forest at its far end. It just fades away into blackness, farther than we’re programmed to roam. The air is cold outside of tree cover, and the bricks even more so, but nothing felt colder than that sight.
You sure can see the stars from there, though. But, of course, it was one of those nights where that’s a bad thing.
On a good day, the stars make me think there are good things even in the darkest places. The black sky here looks like it could stretch on forever, like if you flipped our game upside down, we would all fall into it and never see light again. That really freaked me out for a long time, when I first surfaced. But the more I looked at the stars and how pretty they are, the more I thought, if the sky really did go on forever, then there could be even more beautiful things out there. Including a place better than this.
But I can’t get there. That’s the bad part. Sometimes, all the stars do is make me feel trapped. The place I really belong could be out there, but I’m just stuck in a glass box I can’t break.
Feeling tiny and alone beneath that both confining and possibly endless sky, I found myself inevitably thinking of you again. I didn’t have a couch to fool myself with anymore, or any walls to imagine closing in tighter, but… I did have your scarf.
It reeked of memories. Not of events, but emotions. Smelling it felt like inhaling pure, raw panic. It made my head spin and really aggravated my nausea, but, for reasons I didn’t quite understand, I just couldn’t put it down. I knew it was keeping me up, but I didn’t care.
As I lay there awake, feverish as hell, smelling a mix of smoke and gasoline that was so distinctly you, staring up at the stars, I just couldn’t stop thinking… did you do what I never could, and find a way to get past them?
If you did, where did you go?
If you did, how could I ever hope to find you?
If you did, why the hell did you leave me here alone?
#fanfiction#fanfic#wreck it ralph#make it mavis#turbo#original character#homesick#i fuckin love writing ralph and mavis lmao
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A Degree of Pride
A Patreon release in preparation for my Favorite 12 Fics of the Year post. Originally commissioned by the great @yamadara87, so please have some tender MaS feelings?? 2100 words.
For most of her young life, Haruka Tenoh had considered herself stupid.
She would not have admitted this, at seventeen, sitting cross-legged on the broken couch Haruka could never get clean, not really, in front of the window in her apartment, a magazine on her lap that she was only half-reading, her school notes tucked into her bag, far away from prying eyes. As if her mother would care, even if she left it pinned to the empty fridge.
She wouldn’t have needed to read them. Haruka certainly didn’t. They always said the same things, and had since she was a little girl. Oh, it always started out with compliments. Haruka was eager. Haruka was very gentle with the class guinea pig. Haruka tried to help the other girls with their backpacks and muddy boots. But they always went the same way, descending gently down the slope, and her grandmother’s smile always turned into a frown.. Haruka seems to struggle with reading. Haruka has trouble with her temper and gets frustrated easily. Haruka’s test scores need to be discussed.
All of it boiled down to a simple fact that Haruka had come to learn very well: She was stupid.
Michiru had never accepted any of this. From the time she had come to know Haruka, and more importantly, to love her, Michiru had always expressed admiration for Haruka’s mind. She was quick to point out Haruka’s skill in the garage, the way her mind looked at machines and seemed to instinctively know where the gears went, where the belts connected. She would point out pictures of Haruka as a child, noting how she created such beautiful structures from the patchwork of bricks and legos and tinkertoys Haruka had managed to gather. The way a car or a motorcycle or any such thing seemed to mold with her body instantly, responsive.
Not all of intelligence is found in a laboratory or a recital hall, she would say, and Haruka would believe that she believed it, but that didn’t make it true, anymore than it had been true that Usagi could save the world without hurting anyone or anyone being hurt. Usagi believed that too, with her whole heart.
But it didn’t matter that she was stupid. She was handsome and athletic and independent and got to work with cars, and this would carry her as far as she needed to run.
And then, she wasn’t anymore. Usagi’d been wrong, you see.
It had been thirteen years since Usagi had been wrong. Since her whole world had burned to dust, the few blooms that she had in her favor withered and dead. Since Haruka Tenoh saw the big red mark at the top of her life and had quite nearly considered dropping out of it altogether.
But because she was stupid, she hadn’t realized in that moment that things do grow back. Gardens can come to life again. She’d figured out how to take care of herself again, and even more so discovered that sometimes it was no sign of weakness to let Michiru lower a kitchen countertop or Mina grab her a soda from downstairs. She’d designed her garage to be played in once more, and smelled of oil and grease and contentment. She had found she quite liked playing basketball, and was better at it that she’d thought she’d ever be, and once more a jersey rested in the corner of her room. She even caught herself, from time to time and more and more, looking in the mirror and smiling at what she saw, her warm Papa aesthetic softening her edges to a gentle but undeniably handsome effect.
Color had reentered her life, and these things combined with the unspeakable joy of her children had made her life a happy one, and mostly Haruka Tenoh would say that her life was a pleasant one, minor frustrations be damned. But still there remained the bare spot that had ever been, as much as Haruka nodded and agreed when people said she was gifted in a mechanical way, it never meant anything to her. She had barely graduated high school. She was not meant to be a smart person.
Why she had written in to Tire Track, she wasn’t entirely sure. Well, she was sure, they had been wrong about the discussion of grip between asphalt and concrete on race tracks, but why she’d written an entire rebuttal over her keyboard while Kimi had napped instead of doing the laundry, that was less certain.
What had been even more surprising was Tire Track’s request that she form the rebuttal into a one-off column.
It had been one audited class in Writing for Journalism, just one vain hope that she could maybe write a few more pieces, that she could have a little side job. That it wouldn’t just have to be hobby mechanics anymore, but that she could have a small paycheck that they never needed.
If it had just been about money, Michiru wouldn’t have gone to work for the symphony. It was about pride, too.
M.A. had been five when Haruka’s journalism professor talked her into enrolling. She’d wheeled through the front doors as a freshman, and she’d pored over her Algebra and Biology and English books every night, and Michiru had beamed from the door of their living room, and Mina had practiced English with her every day, though Haruka still wasn’t sure if every word she taught her was completely the way Mina seemed to define them.
At the end of her first semester, Haruka had come home from her last final to find Michiru’s studio spirited up the attic stairs, and the room she had been using with a lovely dark wood desk in the corner, a soft a comfortable couch up against the wall with a neat table and lamp next to it, low, long, bookshelves opposite them.
She’d tried to protest. This was Michiru’s studio, and the room in the attic was smaller, and she didn’t need an office, all she did was type out a few articles here and there and take a few classes. But Michiru would hear none of it.
“Haruka, my darling, don’t be absurd. We can hardly have a columnist and a scholar in the family without a proper study.”
Haruka could still hear her. The strength and pride in her voice, the smile as she looked about the office she had so obviously taken such care to customize for Haruka.
Haruka moved from her thoughts, and studied herself in the mirror. M.A. was thirteen now, and full of vinegar, and while she would never be so young again to call Haruka Papa (Haruka was rather grateful when she moved to Pop, after a brief attempt to call her Haruka was immediately answered with Michiru’s quick correction,) and while she would claim that her parents made her crazy, she still sometimes flopped down on Haruka’s couch to text her friends or read a magazine, Kimi and Haruka quietly studying across from each other at Haruka’s desk. Haruka could not have imagined that her little two year old would prove be such a genius, but here she was, ten years old and already tackling the algebra that hadn’t reached Haruka until she was thirty.
Haruka was no genius. It had taken her eight years of slow work, but here she was, sitting in front of the mirror in their bedroom wearing a graduation gown. Here she was, an official columnist for a top car magazine. Sometimes, now, when they went to events and galas, it was because Haruka had been invited, and Michiru was the plus one. Haruka had gone to Germany, something not even Ami had ever managed to do.
And yet, she could not quite get that flower to bloom, the one that believed that she wasn’t stupid after all. It still seemed like they would take her degree and claim they’d made a mistake, Haruka hadn’t passed after all. She rubbed at her pants, straightening them once more under her gown. Why it seemed to matter that they weren’t wrinkled when no one could see them, she wasn’t sure, but it suddenly seemed crucial.
The tie looked ugly. Why had she picked that tie? She pulled it off her neck and tossed it on the bed, sighing heavily as she rolled back toward the closet. Why was she even going? She should just have them mail the certificate instead of showing up there, a nearly forty year old woman among a bunch of kids who were younger than she’d been when she’d had a kid.
“Haruka?” Michiru’s voice preceded her into the room, and its owner followed as elegantly as as a whisper of perfume.
Haruka stared at her ties for another moment, and then wheeled around to face Michiru, unsnapping the button at her throat.
“I don’t think I’m gonna go.”
Michiru paused a for a moment and looked at Haruka, who did not meet her gaze. “Well,” she continued kindly, “Makoto will be disappointed, she’s made quite the cake for the occasion.”
Haruka shrugged and ran her hands along the rims of her wheels. ‘We can still go out to dinner or something. I know you’ve got it planned.”
Michiru sat down on bed and delicately crossed one leg over the other. “May I inquire as to the sudden disinterest in the ceremony? We can, of course, simply go to the dinner, but I do believe there are a great many people looking forward to seeing you recieve your degree.”
Haruka wheeled over close to her and shook her head. “I dunno.”
“Haruka, please.”
She sighed, but did not argue. It was silly to play games, when she and Michiru knew each other so well and for so long.
“I just--I’m old to do this, and it makes me look--I” She huffed, but then put her hand up and allowed herself a moment to collect her thoughts into an expressible condition. “I feel stupid. I feel like this was way harder than it should have been, and I’m, you know embarrassed.”
“Hm. Yes.” Michiru thoughtfully glanced up at the ceiling, and then took Haruka’s hand, placing her other on top of it. “Haruka, you and I have never had a conventional life, or a conventional course. Would you not say that is fair?”
“Yeah.” Haruka rubbed her thumb against Michiru’s hand.
“If we believe this to be true, why should this be any different? You were rather occupied with raising a family, and, might I add, creating a career for yourself, both of which you have done successfully.” She slipped her hand away to touch Haruka’s cheek. “Even after all these years, you struggle to see what you are. You are a writer and an athlete and a wonderful wife and mother. They are only students, and have a great deal of growing to do. When I think of you, I think of your many, many, talents, and how you chose to pick something a bit harder. Because you, as always, are ever so brave and tireless.” She kissed Haruka softly. “I am so very proud of you, Haruka Tenoh. You are a wonderful example to our girls. And to me. To our friends, all of which are so delighted to support you today. And I imagine you are to your classmates as well.”
“I love you so much.” Haruka nuzzled her forehead against Michiru’s, and blinked back a tear. She leaned back, and nodded. “I want to go.”
“Now, you old softie,” Michiru giggled, “I do admit this tie was a bit of a misstep. You have so many lovely ties, there’s no reason we can’t find something striking.”
Haruka pictured herself wheeling up the stage, of shaking the dean’s hand and taking her diploma. Usagi would be there snapping pictures, as Mina grinned, a gleam in her eye. Rei would huff and glower but she would have a neatly wrapped gift, the card reminding Haruka of how she’d tutored her in communications and math and attempted to tutor her in literally every other subject, including ones she had never taken before. Her girls would see how hard she tried, and how much she worked to be a Papa they could be proud of.
She would look at herself, and see someone she could be proud of.
Somewhere, in that little patch of earth that could be called Haruka’s heart, a flower bloomed.
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Hey Lindsay, I've read a few of your fics and I love the way you write :) I've been trying to write a story but i'm just stuck at the outline. So, I was wondering if you could, perhaps, make a little tutorial or a walk-through your process? I'd like to have my story points defined before I start writing but I don't have a structure that I can follow and I really love your style *-* It's okay if you don't feel like it though. I understand. Thank you in advance ^^
hey there friend! i’m not sure when you sent this ask today, i so hope you haven’t been waiting all day for my reply!! i just saw it.
first things first - thank you so much for your kind words about my writing. they really mean the world to me. and i am SO EXCITED to hear that you’re working on your own fic. that’s amazing!!
now to the meat!
so i don’t know if i have specific or... super organized... process, per se, and i don’t really do a ‘strict’ outline, in the most traditional sense of the word (meaning i don’t have a document full of numbers and bullet points and such). and everyone’s process is going to be a little different, so bear in mind, what works for me might not work for you. but once you get the feel of writing your story, you’ll get a better sense of what your own writing process is. and you’ll figure out what works and doesn’t work for you. the way i do things might not work for you, but that’s totally okay, you’ll come into your own as you go along. and hey, maybe this will work for you! who knows!
but what i generally do when i start a new fic is:
1: i type out my rough and basic idea. i like to do this (and most of my outlining/drafting) in all caps, it helps keep me focused and helps me organize what i have ‘drafted’ and what i have properly written lol.
so for example, um, In the House We Remain, my first idea was jotted out like this, at the top of my document: SAPPY GHOST STORY, AZIRAPHALE BUYS A COTTAGE THAT CROWLEY USED TO OWN, CROWLEY DIED THERE. CROWLEY WAS AN AUTHOR AND HIS BOOKS ARE STILL IN THE HOUSE, WHICH IS HOW AZIRAPHALE GETS TO KNOW HIM.
that’s my base level idea, and i kept it at the top of the document.
2: from there, i start thinking about what are some MAJOR scenes i want to have happen. not the minute details, just the major scenes that were popping in and out of my head when i was daydreaming about the fic. these can be as minimal or as thorough as you like. for In the House We Remain, i had a pretty set idea on how i wanted the story to progress from start to finish, so i had a lot of scenes already in mind.
using the same fic as an example, these are some of the scene ideas i wrote in my fic document, underneath my top line idea:
SCENES:
- AZIRAPHALE SEES THE COTTAGE (ANATHEMA IS THE REAL ESTATE AGENT) AND HE LOVES IT. HE BUYS IT THAT DAY. (DEFINE THE LANDSCAPE AND HOW THE COTTAGE LOOKS, PROBABLY WANT A POND IN THE BACK, THAT COULD BE HOW CROWLEY WAS MURDERED. COTTAGE SHOULD BE COZY AND DREAMY, A LOVELY THING SET OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COUNTRYSIDE. LOOK UP PICS FOR REFERENCES.)
- GUNNA HAVE TO MENTION SOMETHING ABOUT THE HOUSE THAT’LL CONNECT TO HOW CROWLEY DIED, SOME VISUAL INDICATORS OF HIS SPIRIT. MAYBE WATER STAINS ON THE FLOOR? LIKE DRIPPING WATER MIGHT POOL AROUND A WET PERSON’S FEET? AM I GOING WITH DROWNING AS CAUSE OF DEATH? DUNNO.***COME BACK TO THIS.
- WHILE UNPACKING AZIRAPHALE SEES A BUNCH OF UNFAMILIAR BOOKS IN THE STUDY AND IS CURIOUS ABOUT THEM.
- AZIRAPHALE TALKS TO ANATHEMA ABOUT THE BOOKS AND THE AUTHOR. LEARNS THAT CROWLEY IS THE AUTHOR, AND THAT HE OWNED AND DIED IN THE HOUSE MYSTERIOUSLY.
- AZIRAPHALE READS THE BOOKS, LOVES THEM, FEELS A CONNECTION WITH CROWLEY.
- AZIRAPHALE SOMEHOW CONNECTS WITH CROWLEY’S LINGERING SPIRIT IN THE HOUSE (DETAILS TO COME)
- THEY START COMMUNICATING. CROWLEY REVEALS THAT HE WAS MURDERED - I WANT THIS TO BE AN EMOTIONAL SCENE, AZIRAPHALE VERY UPSET AND DISTURBED BY WHAT HE’S BEEN TOLD. ALSO AFRAID CAUSE HE’S MADE CONTACT W/ SOMEONE WHO’S VERY DEAD. MAYBE HE EVEN CALLS ANATHEMA AFTER TO REVEAL THE NATURE OF CROWLEY’S DEATH.
- NEED SCENES OF AZIRAPHALE GROWING OLD IN THE HOUSE WITH CROWLEY’S GHOST, THEN EVENTUALLY DYING AND ACTUALLY UNITING WITH HIM. SAPPY, EMOTIONAL, THE WORKS.
- AZIRAPHALE AND CROWLEY’S SPIRITS LINGER IN THE HOUSE, EVEN AS A NEW COUPLE MOVES IN.
those were my major scenes that i needed to write and that would make up most of my story.
3: flesh out the aforementioned scenes. break these scenes down individually and think about them, picture them like a movie in your head. when aziraphale sees the cottage, what’s happening around him? has he gotten out of the car? what is the weather like, is it a dreamy setting? should the wind be gently rustling the trees and his hair? is he in awe? does he take a moment to take in the exterior of the house. what does the house look like?
picture that entire scene from start to finish, then jot down your thoughts. remember, you aren’t actually doing Proper Good Writing out. you’re just getting the ideas down and the draft ideas fleshed out.
4: once i have those scenes fleshed out (always typed in all caps for me lol), i start the actual ‘writing’ process.
I drop the all-caps, start using proper grammar, and go into I’m Telling A Story Mode.
I usually try to start writing at the beginning, because i tend to visualize my stories as movies that play in my head. i need to mentally see it progress as i write it, like i would do if i were watching a movie or reading a book. but sometimes that doesn’t happen - sometimes beginnings are the hardest part. if you struggle with the beginning, skip to the first most fleshed out scene you have, the one you feel most comfortable with, or whatever scene you feel REALLY ready to write.
this writing doesn’t have to be perfect (it definitely won’t be lol). but you’ll start to get a feel for how you want to actually present this story and these scenes once they’re all finalized. you can edit it and make it prettier later, but for now, just get some words on the paper as if it were a story you were ready to tell.
5: once you have your main scenes fleshed out, you need to start making connections between them. stories need depth and background, so you need to be able to go “okay, i have aziraphale loving the house and buying it, then i need him to find the books in the study, how am I going to connect those two scenes?”
you can do this part either as you go along (example: you’ve written your first Major Scene, and you want to progress onto your next scene, so you write the connections first, then once you have the connection scenes done, you can then move on to the next Major Scene from your draft) OR you can get all your major drafted scenes written, and make your connections AFTER those scenes are done. you just gotta see what works for you.
i prefer the first method, i try to write the major scenes and the connection scenes as i go along so that i have a natural flow. that also allows me to make some changes to a later Major Scene before i actually write it. (example: hm, i was gunna have Aziraphale do XYZ in the next scene, but with this connection, I think having him do ABC in that scene might work better).
if you don’t have a clear-cut idea yet for how to connect your scenes, go back to the all caps ‘drafting’ mode, where you’re just throwing ideas on the page in between, like: ‘AZIRAPHALE HAS JUST MOVED IN AND IS READY TO UNPACK, I NEED HIM TO BRING HIS BOOKS TO THE STUDY TO START UNPACKING THEM AND SHELVING THEM. THAT’S WHEN HE SHOULD NOTICE CROWLEY’S BOOKS THAT HAVE MYSTERIOUSLY APPEARED ON THE SHELVES.’
from there, go back into ‘proper writing’ mode when you’re ready, and flesh out that scene - what is aziraphale doing while he’s unpacking? are his boxes of books already in the study, or do i need him to have a reason to bring them into the study? maybe a mover accidentally placed one in the wrong room. this is your connector that will get you between scenes.
6: once you have all your scenes done in a proper first draft, go back, do re-writes, add new things that you think you might need, take out things that aren’t necessary, check your grammar and spelling, and do your final proofing. (read your story out loud too - it’s the easiest way to catch typos, errors, or weird phrasing)
7: don’t be afraid to write ANYWHERE. many of my ideas for scenes popped up in the middle of a work day, and every time that happens, i text myself. i send myself a text, all caps, with the scene idea, and i don’t open it until i’m ready to write. it helps me keep track of things. i did a lot of writing in notebooks, on post-it notes, wherever really. i even have googledocs installed on my phone so i could access a fic from anywhere if i had a sudden idea. and if i had something new to add to the document, i put it in all caps, so i would know i needed to address it later.
8: act things out! seriously, i’m not kidding. act your scenes out with yourself. especially dialogue scenes. have those dialogues with yourself, think about how you want dialogue to progress, and talk those ideas out in a way that sounds natural to you. that’ll help you write your dialogue later. (the number of times my husband has walked in on me running through some dialogue aloud......... goodness).
9: don’t be afraid of music :) maybe it’s silly, but i make a playlist for every fic i write because i like to listen to music to get me into the correct mood for what i’m writing. it helps me a LOT. maybe it won’t be as helpful for you, but always worth a try.
and that’s really.... the extent of my process. it’s a little messy, i know, and maybe it’s not the best advice. and i just hope that it at least a LITTLE bit of sense... but i hope it will at least be of some help to you! if you’re confused about anything, please don’t hesitate to message me.
or if you want to chat one-on-one, that’s totally fine too. i 100% don’t mind if you send me a chat message. i’m always happy to help.
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So, @kimmycup tagged me in this game. Let’s do this. Alternately titled:
Let me rant about the difference in receiving feedback on FFN vs AO3
Because I am really getting lost in the math behind “most popular” fic. And it’s most definitely more than just “reaching a different audience” when the feedback for one and the same fic differs between over 1k comments on one site vs not even reaching 100 comments on another site.
Author Name:
Takara_Phoenix
Fandoms You Write For:
Okay so let‘s only involve the ones I am still actively involved with, not the ones that are like... eight years old and I haven’t thought of them once, yeah? That’d be: Percy Jackson, Shadowhunters, Marvel, Rise of the Guardians/How to Train Your Dragon, Detective Conan/Magic Kaito, Vampire Academy, Jungle Book, DC Comics/the Arrowverse, Descendants
Where You Post:
AO3 and FFN, but occasionally also on tumblr - when it’s prompts or drabbles
Most Popular One-Shot:
Depends on where you ask. And what you define as popular. Personally, the only value I see are in comments - kudos are literally just the press of one button, they mean nothing, and hits aren’t an indicator of much either considering it counts as a hit even when you opt out after a paragraph.
I’ve only had my AO3 for five years now, meaning that the fics on FFN still had four more years to simmer on there and gather attention, I suppose. Meaning, a fic posted for the first time obviously gets more attention than a four years later mass repost on another site.
On AO3, the oneshit with most comment threads would be How to Court the Prettiest Omega Ever in Five Years or Less, my first PJO ABOverse fic, featuring Nicercy. Which, you know, is only 37 comments on there. Seriously I genuinely blame the existence of the kudo function for the overall lackluster comment-response on AO3 because “press one button vs actually writing words”... but that’s a different conversation to be had. (I mean, seriously, in comparison, this fic has 51 comments on FFN... and it is by far not the one with most comments I have over there).
The clear winner if you look at FFN is Something Went Wrong, my first Minotaur/Percy smut fest with a whooping 116 comments. And yes. Positive. Genuinely did not expect that when after weeks of debating, I decided to post this story. *chuckles* (Again, for comparison, this fic got a total of 8 comments on AO3... eight... the difference there is staggering... Which, I’d like to tag on that, on top of the kudo-nonsense, the fact that AO3 displays total amount of comments to the readers and not comment threads is also misleading and I don’t think it helps, because I think you’re more inclined if you see it’s only 8 comment-threads in total on a fic you like vs it showing you 16 comments as the total comment-count.)
Most Popular Multi-Chapter Story:
THIS IS TOO HARD TO ANSWER. I’d have to consult my chart, but that hasn’t been updated in ages. Because overall amount of comments means little if you don’t also take into account the amount of chapters - 50 comments on a oneshot are a lot, 50 comments on a 5 chapter fic, not so much, and 50 comments on a 50 chapter is frustrating to receive.
Okay, let me go full nerd on this one. Y’all know I love charts. There was a time where I was interested enough in finding this out that I had a chart going of all my multiple chapter fics. With a collumn on how many chapters the story had at that point in time, how many total comments on AO3, how many total comments on FFN and what, by combining those two numbers and dividing them through the chapter-count, was the average amount of comments per chapter.
However, that chart had last been updated on December 31st 2016. There’s been a lot of influx, lot of new stories and other stories gaining/losing popularity, so when I now say Meet the di Angelos with a 2016 average of 57,25 comments/chapter, that is completely exclusing ten fics I wrote since then.
Damn now I really wanna update the charts...
Also if you can’t tell by now how much actual feedback and comments mean to me, I genuinely don’t know how else to convey it... xD”
If you go by total comment-count - which, again, is misleading because you gotta keep the chapter-count in mind - it’d be Chasing Fireflies on FFN with 1749 comments (on 102 chapters. And, again, for comparison, 88 comment-threads on AO3. 88 vs 1749 is insane) and Percy and the Ghost King of Summers High on AO3 with 749 comments (on 50 chapters. On FFN that’s actually on 990 comments. Far smaller difference here compared to other stories).
Though I dunno, if you measure popular by fanart received, Summers High comes in with five, while my Chasingverse is in with 6... and multiple fanfictions written for it.
Favorite Story You Wrote:
Favorite to write, or favorite to reread? There’s a difference there. I’m insanely proud of Chasing Fireflies and the plot and world I created there, the character development. I... don’t really reread it it’s over 500k long I don’t have that time.
Currently, I am really loving The Primal Instinct, it is sooo much fun to write, I get to put basically all my favorite headcanons in there, I’ll get to write Aline and Helen more and Jace’s interactions with others, it features both my favorite OT3s at once. (And it is faaar from my most popular one. Just, feel like mentioning this because my numbers-obsession may read as only writing for comments, which I don’t, I mainly write for myself. The comments are just... very, very nice treats to receive. Also, I love numbers and charts and were curious to see if there is a kind of trend there in what does receive most attention sooo...)
Story You Were Nervous to Post:
Uuuh every new thing. Every time I step outta my comfort zone. Trying out a new pairing for the first time. Venturing into a new fandom for the first time. Experimenting with a new kink and wondering if this would be too much. Literally every single time, still.
How Do You Choose Your Titles:
On a whim. I suck at titles. Mostly I try to force alliterations because I am a sucker for alliterations, but otherwise I do try to go with “as it says on the tin”, or I try a pun/being clever. Aside from my Triton/Percy fics. Every single fic I’ve written for them is named after a song from Disney’s The Little Mermaid franchise and I have yet to run out of songtitles to use for fics and hey, by then they’ll probably have included a new song in the live-action remake so there’s that! :D
Do You Outline:
Depends. Oneshots? No. I just write those. Multiple-chapter fics? ...Depends. xD
If I have a clear vision for where it’s going to go, I do tend to divide into chapters and make myself small notes on what goes into said chapters. Mostly, it’s just a rambled “and x happens and then y” at the end though and then I see how I can make it fit into chapters.
Complete:
795 stories on AO3! Damn, I’ve been busy.
In-Progress:
As of right now, 4. Because this week features my Ace Awareness 7-parter, though technically we’re right now down to 3 multi-chapter fics because the next one is only due to be released and join the rotation!
Coming Soon/Not Yet Started:
Well, that is two entirely different things now.
Coming Soon:
Shadowhunters, Asmodeus/Jace, “The Royal Consort of Edom” oneshot on the 23rd
Shadowhunters, Magnus/Alec/Jace, “Nesting 101″ oneshot on my birthday this Saturday
Percy Jackson, Nico/Percy, “Something Borrowed, Something Green” oneshot on the 30th
Shadowhunters, Magnus/Jace, “Dancing with the Monsters in the Night” an out-side-of-schedule oneshot for Halloween
And I do think that that is what constitutes “soon”.
Not Yet Started:
HTTYD/RotG, Hiccup/Jack, “The Origin of the Blue Hoodie”, planned for November 27th
Shadowhunters, Magnus/Jace, “Set-Up by the Guard-Cats”, planned for December 4th
Descendants/PJO, Nico/Percy, Ben/Carlos, Uma/Audrey, “Demigod Defenders of Auradon”, planned for December 11th
A-and that is as far as I have planned my schedule ahead. Those three are the only fics on my personal schedule that I haven’t started working on yet. I don’t like to plan ahead too much, because then you just completely lose interest in the story by the time you get around to actually writing it.
Do You Accept Prompts:
Prompts, not so much. Requests, yeah. For one, prompts always seem so demanding, while requests are more polite - and also more structured. Prompts are always like “here have one quick trope thrown at your head” and like... I do have a well-enough planned-out schedule with more than enough fics of my own set, I don’t need to try and turn one random prompt into an actual story. But if someone has a specific request, a pairing and an actual plot, that they really wanna see, I do always hear them out, I may not always like the pitch and thus not accept them all, but on the overall I do accept requests.
More inclined to accept birthday requests than random requests, because random requests would be put into the rotation of my schedule and, well come on that shouldn’t be a surprise, they tend to be pushed off then in favor of fic ideas I came up with myself because there’s nearly always more enthusiasm about writing an idea that you came up with yourself than the idea of someone else. Whereas birthday requests have a set date that doesn’t disturb my schedule and I am a big softie who has a weakness for getting gifts myself so I do like to do something nice for someone so they get something special for their birthday.
Upcoming Story You Are Most Excited to Write:
Most excited to write? Well, that’d be the Descendant/PJO crossover atm, because that is something very new and shiny and I do love shiny, new things to experiment on. But also The Prince of Pluto, my next multiple-chapter fic that I have already started writing.
Tagging: Whoever wants to do it! <3
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The Feels Awaken, Interlude: Attack of the Clonesuit
Written by @jkl-fff, illustrated by me
PART I - PART II [Interlude] (you are here) - PART III
————————————————————————————–
Ford, leafing listlessly through notes: … Suppose I could go out
and look more into this anomaly … or that one, any of them, really
—anything’d be better than just sitting here … moping. Yes,
moping, that’s really what I’m doing right now.
All that I’m doing right now. Moping …
[sighs heavily, stands up and paces around room aimlessly;
roving eyes land on a shelf of scientific glassware with several
empty decanters among them; swallows drily]
Damn, a drink would really hit the spot right about now … Gah, no!
How pathetic can I be, wanting a drink now, after decades of sobriety!
Still wanting a drink at all, just because … just because I’m missing
the kids … Damn it, man, pull yourself together!
[takes off glasses with one hand, slaps self with other]
Are you a scientist or a sentimentalist?!
[slaps self again]
Focus on your intellect!
[slaps self a third time]
They’ll be back here soon enough to visit for Fall Break,
you can look forward to that, so stop all this … this sniveling!
[resumes pacing]
… Gah, that Demon’ll probably sour their visit for me, too.
Just like he’s soured everything else in my life of late …
Besides, he’s already had too much influence over them as is,
and them coming back risks him gaining even more of one;
would be far, far better if they never came within 100 miles of him
ever again … I can … I can go to them, anyway. Stan and I.
We can go down to Piedmont and see them safely that way, or …
or I can call or use that skyelp program just about any evening …
Yes … Yes … So no more of this sniveling and moping and such …
Bill, through the elevator intercom: Hey, Stanford?! I’m coming
down now, so … uh, put away the crossbow and the dirty magazines!
Haha … ha … um, yeah …Th-that was just a joke, by the way! Except
for the part about the crossbow, obviously, ‘cause I would appreciate it
if you put that away instead of putting a bolt in this vessel!
So, um … yeah, here I come! (79 Hells, that was awkward …)
Ford, muttering and jumping back to desk: Grrr! Now?!
Pigcrap fucksnorkel, this is the last thing I need right now!
[sits in an exaggeratedly nonchalant pose;
turns and glares as Bill steps out of the elevator]
What is it, Cipher, can’t you see I’m very busy?
Bill, holding up two cans of Pitt: Thought you might, I dunno,
like something cold to drink?
[sets one can down on the desk]
Ford: … Why are you wearing a sock puppet?
Bill, shrugging: I could ask you the same thing.
Ford: No, you couldn’t.
Bill: Sure, I could. It wouldn’t make sense, but I could.
[cracks open own drink, takes a sip]
So, um, how you doin’?
Ford: You still haven’t answered my question.
Bill, shielding his mouth with non-puppet hand, whispering:
He just showed up on his own, and I can’t get him to leave
no matter how many hints I drop.
Ford, turning away: A feeling I relate to on a deep, spiritual level.
[pretends to resume reviewing notes]
Bill: Now you still haven’t answered my question. How you doin’?
Ford: … Tired. And getting more and more tired with every second
I spend in your company. So I repeat, what is it? What do you want?
Bill, sighing, leaning against the desk: I just … wanna talk is all,
I guess? It gets kinda lonely, y’know, without the Twins here.
And I do know y’know about that.
Ford, hiding embarrassment: What are you implying?
Bill: C’mon, Ford. We all miss them. And, I dunno, that’s got me
all sentimental about …
[takes a deep breath, looks at Ford, lets himself be vulnerable]
about other people I miss spending time with, too.
Ford, looking away: Yes, well, if you burn a bridge, you can’t really
complain about not being able to cross back over again, can you?
Bill, through sock puppet: Bridges can be rebuilt, can’t they?
Ford: …
Bill, through sock puppet: Can’t they?
Ford: … Not some bridges. Now leave me alone, please,
because I have a lot of work to do.
Bill, stiffening up: Fine, if that’s what you want. Sit down here
and brood in the dark, ignoring all the people who’re concerned
about your health and happiness.
Ford: Pff, right! Sure, you are.
Bill: I am, though! I’m concerned about your health! So are Stan,
Soos and Melody, and the Twins would be, too, if they could see you
like this—Mabel and Dipper!
Ford: I’m fine, Cipher. You don’t know what you’re talking about.
Bill: Me and Stan’re especially concerned about you, I think.
Prob’ly ‘cause we know you the best.
Ford, reddening: I asked you nicely to leave me alone once already.
I won’t ask nicely again.
Bill, through sock puppet while stomping towards exit: I guess
you would know about burning bridges, right? I mean, you’ve been
slowburning a bunch of ‘em lately, haven’t you?
Ford, raising his voice: What’s that supposed to mean?
Bill, through sock puppet: How many years d’you spend missing
your brother so much it ached, huh? I mean, you had me play him
in your fantasies hundreds of times—literally. 872 times with him
as a major character by my count over the years we spent together!
[whirls around at the elevator door and points,
which looks especially accusing and grotesque
coming through a hand puppet]
Yet, even though he’s back, you won’t even enjoy your time with him
just ‘cause I’m around!? Just ‘cause he doesn’t spit and hiss at the sight
of me like a Vampire at sunlight?! You murmur and grumble and
carry on and act … act mean and bitter at him for that?! Well, Fordsy,
if that ain’t slowburning a bridge, I don’t know what is!
Ford, stung: Y-you … Shut up, Cipher.
Bill, pointing petulantly at the sock: It’s not me. It’s him.
[speaking through the sock again]
And you’re doing it to everyone else! Including the Twins!
Ford, on his feet: Get. Out. Now.
Bill, whirling on his heel: We’re already gone!
[storms back into the elevator and upstairs with it]
Ford, covering face to contain fury: That little, monocular—
No, Stanford. D-don’t let him get to you … fffff … Don’t let …
that smart-talking shitass—No, d-don’t … fffff … don’t …
[eyes land on decanters again; desire for a drink spikes,
which makes fury explode inside of him]
Graaaaargh!
[stomps over, seizes first decanter, hurls it at wall; it shatters]
That greasepainted, crap-piling, illuminati fuck hat and
[hurls second decanter at wall; it shatters]
cyclopes poseur in a mustache-twirled, pan-licking ass wad
[hurls third decanter at wall; it shatters]
of a grephew’s face-stealing TURD BREATH!
[stands huffing and puffing for a moment; leans against wall,
slides down until sitting on floor, buries face in hands]
Ford, eventually beginning to calm down: Says he’s “concerned
about my health and happiness”—pah!—right …
Heard that one before, haven’t I?
[remembers from more than 30 years ago …
Bill, inside Ford’s mind: Uh, you sure this is a good idea?
Ford, scaling an improvised novi-wave receiver: Sure! *cough*
Why do you ask?
Bill: Let’s just say I’m concerned for your health and wellbeing.
Ford, shifting a bag of materials, climbing higher: Huh. What for?
I’m not *cough cough* sick at all.
Bill: Only ‘cause of the major storm—strong winds, pounding rain,
and constant lightning—raging around you while you climb up
a structure made of conductive metals that doesn’t have a lot of really
solid hand and footholds for your gravity-bound meatbag.
Ford, laughing: Oh, that! Don’t worry, this’ll only take another
*cough cough* minute or two.
[lightning cracks nearby]
Ford, still laughing: Whoa! Haha! That one was close!
[foot slips on wet metal; catches self]
Whoops! Heh, clumsy me … Better hurry up! *cough*
Bill, obviously worried: Y’know what? I think you should just
leave it for now. Wait until the storm clears, do something about
that wet cough like … like have some ginger tea!
Ford: The forecast said it’s *cough* to continue all week.
If I *cough* don’t fix this now, we’ll lose all that work time.
Bill: Yeah, but if you fall and break one of your fleshsticks,
we’ll lose even more time. Assuming a fall doesn’t, y’know,
do worse. Like kill you. Also, you getting pneumonia
is a thing that could cause us to lose even more time.
Ford, dismissively: It’s fine. I’ll be fine. *cough*
Bill, almost desperately: Hey, know what? Not being able to work
the rest of this week might be an okay thing! Like, you could take
a break. Relax a little, get several full nights’ sleep. Eat a few square
meals at regular times with all that nutrient stuff you meatbags need,
stave off scurvy and other illnesses you could catch as a result of
skipping meals and sleep. Doesn’t that sound like fun? We could
even have extra play sessions in your mindscape! Eh? Eh?!
Ford, tempted: You’re a *cough cough* good friend, Bill,
but I need to concentrate on this right now.
comes out of his memory …]
Ford, sitting in the lab: Heh … I did fall in the end. Didn’t break
anything, just got the wind knocked out of me and was bruised
for a bit, but still … Was that when Cipher first recommended I get
an assistant? Someone who’d help me build his infernal portal?
[sighs, admits]
No, I thought an assistant could help me build the portal. Cipher said
I needed one to stop me “dying like an idiot during monster hunts” and
make me “perform basic self-care for meatbags” from day to day.
I was the one who thought it could be someone to help with the portal.
[face turning red with shame]
I … It was me who made the Electron Carpet to try to switch him—
Fiddleford, someone I dared call a f-friend—with Cipher … That was
entirely me … When I suggested we use it for that, he actually told
me it was a terrible idea—told me Fiddleford was there to help keep
my “moments of near suicidal dumbassery in check” and ease
my workload, not increase both of them …
[chuckles incredulously]
That was the first time Cipher and I ever had an argument …
He said he was worried about me, and the thing I invented
the most was new ways to make him worry …
[remembers the argument, which ended with both of them
screaming “FUCK YOU!” at each other in different voices
until it stopped being angry and started being hilarious …
remembers flashes from times he and Bill worked together,
succeeded together, advanced SCIENCE! together …
remembers flashes from times he and Bill laughed together,
played together, bonded together, had so much fun together …
remembers flashes from times he and Bill spent inside
Ford’s mindscape, and how good it felt to relive his memories
of better times, to play out all his wild fantasies …]
Ford, resting head against wall, gazing at dark ceiling:
Cipher’s not … not the only one who misses spending time with …
other people … who misses the old days … And—Moses!—
I’m so, so tired from always being on guard …
from always reminding myself what he really is …
what he’s done, what he could do if he got the chance …
So tired from always keeping myself angry and bitter …
from always stoking this animosity …
So tired from always pitting myself against him …
Well, against everyone else, too …
[heaves self upright and dusts off coat; rubs temples; sighs heavily]
Could I be entirely wrong about Bill? Is it really possible he has
changed, and I’m just being a stubborn, old fool? Am I making
everyone else … Am I making myself unhappy for no real reason?
[sighs heavily again]
Not the first time I’ve asked that question, and the answer’s the same
as always. I can’t afford to take that chance—this whole dimension
can’t afford for me to take that chance. And it’s selfish of me to even
consider it, given the stakes … What’re my desires and my health and
my personal happiness against the safety of this whole dimension for
the rest of eternity? And … what’s the happiness of my family, even?
[shakes head woefully]
I want to believe Bill, but he has conned me before … Besides,
he’s immortal; he can afford to play a long game, just wait until I die
or waver … That’s why I can’t give in. I just can’t … ever …
[sound from overhead like heavy objects being rearranged]
Ford, flopping into chair at desk: Fffffuck, I wish …
I wish there was a solution to this dilemma … a way to untie
this Gordian Knot … More than anything in the world …
[picks up Pitt, cracks it open, takes a swig;
eventually looks at pile of shattered decanters]
That’s going to be a bitch to clean up …
Stan, through the basement intercom: Poindexter, you down here?
I’m comin’ down, so get out the crossbow and the dirty magazines!
[takes elevator down to the lab,
notices pile of broken glass and Ford’s drained expression]
Yeesh, what happened here? You try playin’ jenga with
champagne flutes, or something?
Ford, sighing: … Had a … a temper tantrum, guess you’d say.
Threw all the old decanters against the wall because
they reminded me how badly I want a drink sometimes.
Stan: Well, darn. We could’ve sold those; some of ‘em were
really nice crystal … But, more importantly, you feelin’ better?
Ford, taking a reflective sip of Pitt: … Not really, no. I loathe
how much, even now, even still, sometimes I want a drink
more than anything in the world … Makes me feel like … like …
Stan, walking up to rub his shoulders: Yeah?
Ford: Like nothing’s changed—maybe more like I haven’t changed—
not really, even after everything … Mmm, that feels good, Stanly …
Stan: I can understand the feelin’, Sixer … Some days …
Well, some days are just bad days. Some days, all the crap
from the past tumbles outta the closet in your head, and
there’s nothin’ much you can do about it.
[leans down, lightly kisses top of his brother’s head]
But there’s also nothin’ wrong with takin’ some time off
from all the crap, either, on those days.
Ford: Yeah?
Stan: Yeah. I been thinkin’ we could use some time off. All of us.
Chance to disconnect and decompress from day-to-day life, y’know.
We should do a movie day—just spend the rest of today together
watchin’ some far out flicks, not worryin’ ‘bout anything
in particular. Whaddya say, Sixer?
Ford, wavering: All of us, you said? Well …
[sighs]
Yeah, sure, okay. Why the heck not? What’re we watching?
#little monsters au#the feels awaken#billdip#bipdip#ford#bill cipher#bipper#writing#fanfiction#i'll let you guys guess what are they gonna watch c:#submission
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Scary Mask
I.
I don’t know what to say when people come apart
The road is long, the road is dark
And these are just the words to somebody else’s song
Before I get into it, I’d like to quickly note that this is not best post to start with. Same goes for the one on “Me Laughing.” My older posts are much friendlier reads and not nearly as dense.
Okay, let’s go.
At first I thought “Scary Mask” was straightforward, i.e. Poppy uses her persona (“I wear my scary mask”) as a defense when she finds herself in uncomfortable situations (“when I’m afraid I don’t belong”). “Well that was anticlimactic.” Indeed. But, of course, this is Poppy we are talking about, and nothing with Poppy is quite so simple.
The problem with basic interpretations that sum up a song with single sentence is that such readings miss all the nuances of the work, i.e., they leave out all the fun little twists in the lyrics, the double-meanings in the lines, etc. Basically, simplistic interpretations of lyrics ignore all the poetry, which is part of what allows music to transcend language. Poetic lyrics also provide us with new pieces of language so that we can better understand the increasingly complex world around us. Nestled in the gaps between our definitions lies the inexpressible that only poetry can render sensible.
Well-written (read: poetic) lyrics are part of what allows songs to completely baffle us; they allow songs to elude simple characterization and slip the shackles of obsessive categorization (e.g., genre). A truly great piece of music leaves us speechless; we cannot simply explain it to someone. Instead, the best we can do is say, “you know what? Just listen to this,” to which they are only able to reply, “wow… you’re right.”
This is why I love metaphors and dualities. Yes, I realize the previous sentence just caused every person who hated English in school to audibly cringe. Look, I’ve been there, I get it. I used to think English was a cruel joke played at everyone’s expense and that it was stupid because ‘there is no right answer.’ Then one day, all of that changed. Almost as though a switch was suddenly flicked ‘on’ in my brain. It wasn’t until I understood English that I finally appreciated it. I’ve never wanted to go back, so hear me out.
Metaphors are essentially a way of controlling the associations formed by your brain when you read or hear a word. They can make you associate simple pieces of language with something extraordinary, and make you see things in a way you would never have previously considered.
If you’d like to get fancy, you can start introducing dualities; that is, setting two concepts on opposing ends of a spectrum. When you do so, you allow the reader to consider new and (seemingly) impossible gradations, all born from the struggle between two relatively ordinary ideas.
Take, for example, Poppy’s ‘poetry-ecstasy’ duality that she introduced in “X.” This was the first thing that made me take a more serious look at her work, i.e., “I think something else is going on here…” We know poetry and ecstasy are meant to be diametrically opposed in “X” because the colors in the music video change in sync with Poppy’s delivery.
If YouTube subtitles weren’t broken, they would read: “poetry, poetry, poetry”
Likewise: “ecstasy, ecstasy, ecstasy”
It’s not obvious that poetry is the opposite of ecstasy unless you’re in Wonderland in which case, you messed up somewhere. Moving on, when you set two concepts against each other like that, you introduce a new interplay between the two ideas. Now the audience is forced to see things from a new perspective, one they would not have otherwise considered. Or, they just ignore it, as is usually the case, but I digress.
With all this in mind, further study into “Scary Mask” reveals that some parts of the more basic reading don’t quite add up. Take, for example, lines like, “M-A-S-K, am I okay?” or “You ain’t gonna see me tonight”; these lines refuse to fit neatly into the obvious interpretation e.g., why spell out ‘mask’? Why are [they] not going to see “you” “tonight?” Most people would choose to ignore these outliers or simply shrug and go about their day. If this post’s existence didn’t clue you in, we won’t be doing much ‘shrugging’ or ‘ignoring.’
You’ve probably noticed this already, but I try to forge readings of Poppy’s work that fit as many different pieces as possible into them. To craft interpretations that capture the interplay between all the elements in a song. Often, this requires approaching the song from multiple angles, some even being right. If this post is good, each interpretation should form its own colored shard of glass, leaving the reader with a beautiful explanative mosaic. If this post is bad, grab a broom and wear shoes for a week.
Hilariously, doing justice to the more abstract bits of art usually means I have to use figurative language to explain other figurative language. “Sounds meta.” Indeed. Some puzzles can only be done justice with other puzzles, which is also why my writing frequently dips into obscurity. Close reading yields wonders, but means interpreting ‘carefully’ and ‘openly.’ “Sounds like a lot of work.” It is, but anybody can come up with a vague idea of what a song is ‘about,’ e.g., “this one’s about love!” How insightful, you should post that on Genius, that’s just what they’re looking for. I mean, really, at that point what are you even getting out of the song? A few minutes of pleasure before you move onto the next one? Is that it? Are you going to just spend your entire life constantly devouring one helping after another, waiting hungrily for your favorite artists to dish up your next meal?
I may be going to hell, but at least I won’t be stuck doing that.
II.
Rise and shine—
get out of bed!
Take my hand,
there’s darkness ahead.
“Scary Mask” is one of Poppy’s best songs. No, I’m not interested in arguing about this. It is also one of Poppy’s most important songs. This, however, I am interested in arguing about.
For the sake of the following discussion, I will be ignoring most of Poppy’s singles. “Metal” and “Immature Couture” and [other singles] are good but they complicate things and I don’t have time to deal with them, despite having the time to tell you how little time I have. Fancy people would probably call such exclusions “exceptionally non-rigorous,” but I’m over it.
I tried to make this section not-boring, dunno if I was successful; my writing takes on the flavor of whoever I read last, hence why the “Me Laughing” post reads like schizophrenia. Lately, I’ve been feeling especially masochistic, so I’ve been reading [redacted]. Expect that to shine through.
Let’s zoom out for a bit: “Scary Mask” is the flagship song of Poppy’s Choke EP, though I am sympathetic to arguments for “Meat.” “Scary Mask” ties the whole EP together and makes it possible. It’s critical to Choke’s ‘flow.’ This isn’t a given, I’ll explain/pretend to explain.
The structure of Choke almost perfectly mimics that of a five-act play. Yeah, like that Shakespeare guy. The EP contains exposition, rising action, a climax, falling action, and a conclusion. The methodically squeezing “Choke” sets the mood and introduces a problem statement to color the rest of the EP. With its pendulum-like bassline and hypnotizing array of voices, “Voicemail” depicts a forsaken mind becoming further and further dissociated from reality. A complete breakdown occurs in “Scary Mask,” the explosive climax of the EP and, at least so far, Poppy's work. Following “Scary Mask” comes the bleak and gruesome “Meat,” which is clearly akin to the falling action. And finally, we are given “The Holy Mountain,” the EP’s pessimistic and wistful send-off.
As for the context in which “Scary Mask” was created, Choke comes after two pop-y records, Bubblebath and poppy.computer, and a half-pop, half-??? disc, Am I A Girl. After AIAG, Poppy had a choice: back off and return to pop or double-down and bring on the metal. Thankfully, she chose the latter and made Choke. Let’s all take a minute to praise AIAG for even allowing Poppy such options, for flowing together so smoothly, etc. Okay, séance over, let’s return: “Scary Mask” carried Choke, without it, the EP would’ve been severely lacking a massive, stand-out song to serve as the EP’s creative apex.
“Scary Mask” is, in a sense, the ‘no turning back’ point for Poppy. Producing “Scary Mask” was like Poppy locking her old style away and throwing out the key; “X” and “Play Destroy” were #wild, but “Scary Mask” was the third strike. Put confusingly, “Scary Mask” was Poppy’s ‘home run’ while also being the ‘final nail in the coffin’ and other idioms. The track is so far removed from the days of Bubblebath and P.C that it actually created a distance, a gap, between nu-Poppy and Pop-y. “X” has pop elements and Poppy cutely ‘ooo-ing’; it was walk back-able. “Scary Mask” has Jason Butler demonically screaming and saying the ‘fuck’ word; fine print says “no refunds.” Or, if you’d prefer analogies that are unlikely to age well: think of a giant iceberg breaking off from the main Arctic glacier and slipping into the cold, dark sea. Once it’s off, it’s not freezing back on. In other words, once Poppy dropped “Scary Mask,” ‘princess with a pistol’ became ‘demonic metal queen.’
I’ll also argue that “Scary Mask” is the least compromising song in Poppy’s current discography. It’s her truest expression of self pre-I Disagree. All artists have to make their music listenable-enough to get bread, just like I need to make my writing readable-enough to get read. Unfortunately, compromise is inevitable, but artists can still create good music. It’s just hard and getting harder. Plus, nobody agrees what ‘good music’ even means because we have no rigorous definition for art so—
When an artist decides to really ‘go for it,’ to make no compromises, and does it well, a beautiful thing happens. That’s what “Scary Mask” is for Poppy; she decided to pull no punches, and the result was, well, “Scary Mask.”
“X” and “Play Destroy” were both successful, but they didn’t guarantee Poppy’s nu-success. “Play Destroy” had Grimes, and “X” could have been an anomaly. If Poppy went back to pop, fans could have passed off her dip into metal as ‘weird’ but ‘kinda cool’ and that would be that. However, Poppy didn’t let up—“Scary Mask” proved she could consistently make quality metal tracks, and now we’re here and Poppy is about to destroy the world or something. Nice.
In summary: “Scary Mask” functions to transition Poppy’s sound, it does a damn good job of it, and I’m definitely looking forward to her new album.
III.
You try to take the best of me
Go away
You try to take the best of me
Go away
Alright, zoom back in. Yes, “Scary Mask” made it possible for Poppy to throw in crazy distorted guitars and for everyone to love it, but it does more than that. “Scary Mask” also transitions Poppy her(?)self, which sounds strange but it will make sense later, probably.
Now time for the fun part.
Sometimes I like to begin my analysis with a song's verses before circling back to the chorus, as was the case with "The Holy Mountain," however, "Scary Mask" is so crazy that it doesn't even matter where I start. It's what I lovingly refer to as “straight-up bonkers,” like some twisted monstrosity tearing its face off as it stumbles around in the dark. Reminds me of the psychos from Borderlands, an analogy that already has not aged well. Basically, “Scary Mask” is all over the place, so I might as well start from the ‘beginning.’ I'm going to have to pick up the pieces and stitch them into some monster that would do Mary Shelley proud anyway.
Let's dive in.
Poppy opens the song with: “I wear my scary mask when I'm afraid I don't belong.” Okay, seems pretty straightforward so far. There isn’t much to work with here, but maybe we can add some color to this line. BUILD series conducted a relatively listenable interview with Poppy earlier this year. One excerpt to note:
Interview: “Well, why wear a mask?”
Poppy: “Sometimes you just have two faces.”
Interview: “And that’s okay?”
Poppy: “Only sometimes.”
This is why I was debating just skipping “Scary Mask”—the opening line was a little cliché, and it seemed like Poppy had taken Batman Forever literally, neither of which are particularly good signs. However, I want to stress that lacking an interesting message wouldn’t necessarily make “Scary Mask” a ‘bad’ song. This idea may seem very strange, especially in modern society where it appears everyone agrees that deep themes=good art. We’ve been raised with the notion that the best art is art that tells a message, and it’s difficult for us to consider otherwise. However, not only does the conception of ‘depth’ quickly fall apart (as I noted in the “Me Laughing” post), but it’s entirely possible that thematic elements have absolutely zero bearing on the aesthetic quality of a work. In other words, ‘themes’ may not be what make art ‘good.’
Yeah, take a minute and think about that.
Anywho, after deciding I could afford to pay attention, I found many interesting things. Note Poppy’s word-choice. She uses the word “scary,” an almost child-like characterization of something fearful. Indeed, in the music video, Poppy’s hair is hidden or pulled back, giving her a youthful appearance. Look, pictures:
Moreover, peppered throughout the song are Poppy’s pouty squeals and she sings with call an almost ‘whimper-y’ tone, the end of her words marked by a spike in pitch. Obviously, we’d like to ask: why is she presenting herself to us this way?
We find answers in the second half of the line: “when I’m afraid I don’t belong.” Okay, so when she finds herself in situations where she is uncomfortable, where she is struck by the feeling of being small, almost child-like, she resorts to the mask as a defense mechanism. Now we’re getting somewhere, though I would like to ask: why is the mask “scary”?
Being two-faced does not necessarily mean the one face has to resemble Harvey Dent post-toasting, it could simply be a different side of your personality. Perhaps the next line will help:
You can’t read my brain until it’s off
Note Poppy says “brain” instead of any other word such as ‘mind’ or ‘thoughts.’ Using the word ‘brain’ signals a sense of invasiveness. Think: Sylar from Heroes cutting open peoples’ skulls and studying their brains for secrets. I’m sure many obsessive fans have tried digging up details on Poppy’s personal life and many interviewers have tried asking her inappropriate questions. It appears that Poppy wears a “scary mask” as a counter to such intrusions, as if she decided that the only appropriate response to these inappropriate behaviors was a face-to-face with the scary mask.
Holy shit, was this entire song written as a response to the AMP Radio interview? That would be hilarious.
Poppy then repeats that the mask is “not coming off.” Hey, wait a minute…
Okay, so after a fairly badass guitar interlude, Poppy begins feverishly chanting the lines: “I'm never gonna take it off, so don't touch me / Never gonna take it off, stop looking at me.” I’m sure some fans hate me because I’m always banging the drum that Poppy’s work is about obsession, and thus, appear to be attacking them, but come on, how clear would you like the message to be? Go watch “Repeat After Me” if you’re not convinced.
Anyway, in a sense, Poppy’s scary mask (read: freaky persona) operates as a shield from foreign bodies who seek to violate her personal space.
I’m going to leave Jason Butler’s lines for the end because, well, you’ll see.
IV.
In the music video for “Scary Mask,” after Poppy first puts the mask on and has a little breakdown, there are many instances where she is no longer wearing the mask, but is still acting like a possessed teen in desperate need of exorcizing. This is weird, here are some possibilities:
1) Poppy takes the mask off in the music video because she’s pretty and people want to see her lip-syncing.
2) The mask was always on.
We’re going with door #2.
Let’s look at some of the weirder lines, like Poppy chanting the incantation: “M-A-S-K, am I okay?” By spelling out ‘mask,’ Poppy signifies that the “am I okay?” question is directly referencing the mask she wears. In other words: is it okay for Poppy to wear a mask?
We already know Poppy came down pretty hard on one side of the fence when she answered “sometimes” in the BUILD series interview. My equally unambiguous answer is: “it depends.” There are many reasons why wearing a ‘mask’ is a terrible thing that slowly renders you psychologically ‘fucked,’ go read TLP or Lasch if you want more info on that (actually, you should just read them anyway). However, we’ve already established “Scary Mask” was an empowering song for Poppy because it served as a truer artistic outlet for her, so any masquerading should be approached with this in mind.
Alright, so when is it a good thing to wear a mask? How can it be a good thing to pretend to be someone you’re not?
Well, when you’re an artist, you typically create art to express something. Often, this ‘something’ is deeply personal to yourself. You put a lot of yourself into your work. This means criticism of your work can really hurt. After all, if someone calls your [song/painting/writing] ‘trash,’ it’s like calling you ‘trash.’ It feels like that criticism is aimed directly at that piece of yourself you put into your work. Yeah, that sucks. Sometimes it’s so difficult to bear that you avoid creating anything so you don’t have to be faced with such attacks. You forgo creating art because the injurious potential of criticism is too daunting. Without a creative outlet, your feelings remain bottled inside, slowly eating away at you from within. It’s a lose-lose game and everyone’s the player.
So, you ask: “what do I do?”
Well, that’s where the mask comes in.
The artist can use a persona to get around these problems. In other words, putting on a mask can actually allow you to finally be yourself, which seems paradoxical, but I’ll explain.
Take, for example, me. After reading enough of the silly words I write, you may start to form a picture of me in your head. To speculate and fantasize about what I actually look like or how I actually act. Without even knowing your thoughts, I can assure you that any such conceptions are completely inaccurate. I know that I’m not actually as [adjective] as you imagine me to be because I work with a protective persona. The persona allows me to write without worrying too much harsh criticism. Hence, with a persona, I can safely express myself through my work.
The same is true for Poppy. As I’ve noted in previous posts, Poppy has a lot to say about the world. She would like to express these messages artistically, but it’s not always easy to face criticism of her work (and Poppy gets a lot of hate). By adopting the ‘Poppy’ persona, Poppy is able to safely express herself. To finally say what she wants to say. To be who she really wants to be. And when she is faced with scathing criticism, she is able to continue her work undeterred because it feels like the criticism is directed toward Poppy (persona) instead of Poppy (person).
An alternate (and hilarious) reading of the lines “M-A-S-K, am I okay?” and “I’m alright, I’m alright, I’m alright” would be to imagine them as part of a demented question-and-answer period with Poppy. Many of her fans have expressed concerns over the effects of living your life pretending to be a [robot/alien/demonic angel], not to mention the section of Poppy’s fan-base who seem to constantly worry about Poppy being Titanic’s so-called ‘puppet’ and that he is abusive towards her. You can interpret Jason Butler screaming “I’m alright, I’m alright, I’m alright” as Poppy’s response to such concerns. Seems like an appropriate answer to me.
V.
You try to take the best of me
GO AWAY
YOU TRY TO TAKE THE BEST OF ME
GO AWAY
YOU TRY TO TAKE THE BEST OF ME
GO AWAY
There are some remarkably odd lines in “Scary Mask” that need some serious groundwork to render sensible, so let’s switch gears for a second and complain about pop music. Yes, I know. It’s not exactly brave (let alone novel) to decry pop music as a vapid and soulless caricature of art, but I find it therapeutic. Plus, I’m clearly writing a narrative here. If these words make you indignant, first ask yourself ‘why?’ and then relax. I listen to pop music too, most of which is terrible. Also, I’m talking about the correlation, not the rule. If you fight me with exceptions, I’ll hit you back with trends.
Pop is the most apologetic music genre out there (though mumble rap and country are giving it a run for its money, literally); pop music’s main purpose is stated by its terminology: it exists to be popular. To be as widely palatable as possible so as to garner as many listeners as possible. The implications associated with a genre revolving entirely around popularity for the sake of commercial success are pretty disgusting. I’d even go so far as to say the existence of ‘pop’ as a musical genre is a strong indicator that culture is no longer treated as an essential component to human society, but is instead only another industry, and has been for a while. People love celebrating the façade or appearance of culture (partially so they can consider themselves ‘cultured’), but the truth is that culture now exists mainly as a commodity to be endlessly repackaged and sold back to people under the guise of ‘art.’ “I blame capitalism!” Sure, and you may not even be wrong, but that’s a discussion for another time. The point here is that to successfully create music with value, music that isn’t just a meaningless product, one needs to escape such a hyper-commoditized regime i.e., the corporatized pop-music industry.
Business-wise, Poppy did this by ditching Mad Decent and signing with Sumerian Records, an independent label which will hopefully make her very happy. Music-wise, she also had to transition. Recall: putting on the mask (read: persona) allowed Poppy to be herself and make the music she wanted to. So, to evolve her music, she had to also evolve the mask. After releasing two and a half pop records, people will generally expect, well, more pop. People don’t like when their favorite artists abruptly change, probably because they don’t wish to face the idea that said artists were never making music for them in the first place. Either way, for Poppy to tell tales of an impending apocalypse or drop an insane metal album like I Disagree, she had to ease fans into it. Musically, this is the second half of AIAG and the entirety of Choke, but it’s also a perfect encapsulation of “Scary Mask.” It’s possible that the bipolar nature of songs like “X,” “Concrete,” and “Scary Mask” is only due to Poppy trying to transition her sound without upsetting too many fans. Hence why these songs incorporate lighter sections to balance out the darkness. Perhaps “I Disagree” is as dark as Poppy’s going to get, but given recent news of her hanging out with Nadya Tolokno from Pussy Riot, I doubt it (“don’t know how long until they see the rest of me”).
This is also where Poppy’s YouTube videos come in. While producing new music, she can quickly put out a few videos and slowly ramp up the darkness, facilitating a comfortable change in artistic tone for the fans. Something, something, frogs and hot water.
Considering all of the above, I agree with something @thatpoppyuk said a while back in regards to people saying “Moriah is coming out!” when Poppy dyed her bangs:
Not only is it potentially insensitive to call Poppy ‘Moriah,’ it’s simply inaccurate. For better or worse, people don’t regress, they progress. Poppy is not doing something so #basic as ‘returning to her roots,’ she is becoming who she’s always wanted to be.
VI.
Now that we have completed the necessary groundwork, we are able finish off the rest of the song. Lyrically, “Scary Mask” is rather focused; we’ve actually covered all of Poppy’s lines, so I’d like to examine the role Jason Butler from Fever 333 plays in the song.
I’ve actually refrained from gushing about how good “Scary Mask” is until now, but I don’t think I can contain myself any longer. Fever 333 was an excellent feature that perfectly meshes with Poppy’s harmonics and the chomping guitar riffs. Not only that, but lyrically, Jason Butler brings an insane performance. He brings scary mask to life.
Fever 333’s role in the song is complicated and will take multiple approaches to flesh out. First, consider the scary mask (Jason Butler’s lines) as an entity speaking for Poppy, as though it were some demonic hype-man:
This would then explain the line, “well you heard the woman, so fucking look away.” It appears that Poppy needs someone telling others to “fucking look away,” betraying a sense of dependency. After all, if Poppy could handle such onlookers on her own, she wouldn’t need someone else telling them to ‘beat it.’ We may interpret this as a sign that Poppy has come to rely on the shielding-nature of the mask. She relies on her persona for protection, but reliance gives way to over-reliance. Naturally, substitution and dependency follow.
However, this isn’t wholly satisfying, nor is it very charitable. Let’s consider another, more empowering, approach, this time as Poppy speaking through the mask. In this case, a synthesis is underway between Poppy and her new persona (read: scary mask). During the violent transformation, she screams and struggles as the darkness of the mask washes through her, until the process is complete and both are one. Or, rather, Poppy is transcending her persona through her persona, a process of metamorphic self-realization.
Approaching the relationship between Poppy and the mask as a symbiotic one will perhaps explain one of the most bizarre lines in all of Poppy’s discography (minus every line in “Voicemail,” of course): “You ain’t gonna see me tonight!” I mean, what the hell. It’s difficult to explain how much this line confuses me, words simply elude me. This is one of those lines that normal people would shrug and come up with a half-hearted explanation such as: “well, Poppy is wearing a mask, and because she is wearing a mask, you aren’t going to see her. You know, because she’s wearing a mask.” Poorly-conceived explanations such as these negate the whole point of studying art. You can’t just jerk responsibility when ‘the going gets tough.’ The reward isn’t merely the end result, and people who believe this are the exact same people who Genius exploits. It is the work, the method, the climb, the struggle that is important because it is while grappling with the piece that one learns the most about oneself. With that being said, this line has haunted me for three weeks now, but I think I can do it some justice.
First, we examine the context in which the line appears in the song. The line first appears near the beginning of the song, wedged between a crushing guitar interlude and the Poppy’s staccato-ed “M-A-S-K, am I okay?” build-up. Then the line comes again at the end of Jason Butler’s insane post-chorus breakdown which is interlaced with Poppy’s disembodied screams. This second appearance follows a punchy chorus from Poppy and directly precedes a charged guitar solo and Poppy’s explosive final meltdown. From all this, we notice that “You ain’t gonna see me tonight!” is always delivered amidst a great deal of turmoil, always sprinkled into the middle of a violent episode.
Next, we look at the line itself. “Ain’t” and “gonna” are very colloquial, like the speaker hasn’t been taught to speak ‘properly’ or has lapsed into a state where they are unable to or simply do not care. I’m also picking up a touch of mentally-disturbed giddiness, as if some deranged killer is frothily barking this at you outside your window while his head jerks around. “Well, I’m definitely glad not to live on the ground-floor.” Likewise.
I must comment, however, that “Tonight” is an odd word choice. “Well, maybe they just needed a word that rhymed with ‘alright’?” Remember what I said about giving up when things get difficult? No, “tonight” relates a sense of shadowy immediacy, like a doom drawing near. Perhaps Poppy is about to descend upon the world, shrouding it in darkness with her black angel wings.
Hence, “You ain’t gonna see me tonight” relates the sense of foreboding violence that comes with Poppy’s new persona. This makes a lot of sense in the context of Poppy’s work because I Disagree is likely going to be her most aggressive album yet. See, for instance, “I Disagree.”
Basically: full dark, no stars; Poppy’s out for blood, time to take cover.
VII.
In summary: the ‘scary mask’ is a protective garment for Poppy as well as an empowering one. The adoption of an artistic persona allows her to cope with criticisms and continue her work. Recently, she has adjusted her work, and thus, her persona, to something truer to herself, and “Scary Mask” was an integral part of her transition.
Well, wasn’t that fun? I know I enjoyed myself.
Wait, what? You have a question? Ah, wait—I know what you’re thinking:
“If Poppy only wears her ‘scary mask’ when she’s ‘afraid she won’t belong,’ then why is she ‘never going to take it off’?”
Well, maybe she feels like she will never belong.
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Cactus, a Love
I missed this… I hope you did too. Drop me a line and like and reblog!! Validate me! Also this is all written from Harry’s POV cause I never really did that much while writing the bulk of Cactus and we need it.
Cactus, a Love
Summary: It wasn’t just Jamie who caught feelings. This kind of love takes two. The Styles
Warnings: Fluff, some sexual thoughts and behavior. Intense flirting and some dirty talk. Teasing mentioning of daddy kink.
She was a stunner.
Small and delicate, with tiny hands and platinum blonde hair that fell in thick spirals past her shoulders. She pushed some of that hair off her face as she turned towards him, fingernails painted a brilliant coral and reached to set her cactus shaped mug on the table in front of her.
She stood, pausing to shake out her skirt and he caught sight of few words tattooed under her collarbone in an elegant script. His eyes drifted slightly lower and it took every bit of politeness and gentlemanly manners instilled by his mother to lift his eyes to her face and away from possible the prettiest cleavage he had ever seen.
Honestly.
Shit…. I am fucked.
She smiled, offering her hand to shake. Her free hand nervously smoothed at her pretty, white maxi dress, muscles gliding gently under the smooth tattooed skin of her forearm.
“Jamie Schwartz.”
His eyes jumped to Jeff Bhasker as his hand completely swallowed hers. Jeff grinned.
Ohh… That Jamie Schwartz.
“‘Arry Styles.” He grinned down at her admiring the blush that shaded the bridge of her nose. “Yeh look very pretty today, love.”
The blush deepened. “Uh.. thanks.”
They both sat and despite his best efforts, Harry found himself watching her every move instead of listening, eyes tracing her profile and dancing over any skin she been generous enough to leave bare.
His phone vibrated in his pocket and he dug it out.
Like something you see, bro?
He glared at Jeff.
Maybe focus and stop ogling my guitarist!
He discretely flicked him off and focused on what Mitch was saying.
Shit.
**
This really wasn’t fair…
And what’s worse is he had no one to blame but himself.
Let’s go to the beach, I said… it’ll be fun, I thought.
She lifted her vest top over her head and he wanted to drown himself in the sea.
She was covered in brilliant color from the T-rex tattooed on her foot to her pretty, peach bathing suit to the sleeve that covered her left arm.
She leant over to peel her cutoff shorts down gorgeous, dimpled thighs and he tugged at his swim trunks, hoping the stiffy he was close to sporting wasn’t as obvious as it felt. He cast a look around, checking for pesky photogs who would love a picture of playboy Harry Styles and his problem.
When he turned back, she was stepping out of her shorts. She tried to shake some hair of her face and her sunglasses slipped off her nose and into the sand.
“Well… fuck.” She huffed and Mitch said something to her left, causing her to turn away from Harry.
She’s got a cute bu- Fuck!
She giggled and leant over at the waist to reclaim her sunglasses and Harry wanted to die.
Close to sporting, my fuckin’ arse… Harry groaned and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, thinking of anything and everything he could conceive to try and distract him.
When he opened them again, she had straightened and was starting to spread out her beach blanket. He watched, still thirsty as fuck if he was honest, and caught himself moving forward toward her as she lay back on her blanket.
“Help wit’ m’sunscreen, love?”
**
Harry was all but resigned to his fate at this point.
She was beautiful and had been built by some higher power to completely torment him.
It was fact at this point.
She reached behind her to undo her bra and the way she was turned half away from him, afforded him a glimpse of those lovely tits. He sighed and she turned toward him fully, blushing slightly when she caught him looking.
“Dirty boy.”
There it is.
He was glad he had already changed into a pair of soft sleep shorts. It did nothing to hide the evidence of his erection of course, but at least he didn’t have to contend with the compounding effect of knowing her eyes were bare on him.
She slipped his shirt over her head, pretty blue eyes hot on him and tugged it down over her denim shorts. Eyes still on him, damn her, she slowly unbuttoned and unzipped and then let the shorts fall to pool at her ankles.
“Ya okay, Pretty Boy?”
He swallowed thickly and nodded. “Fancy a cuddle, Monster?”
She smirked and moved to her side of the bed. He followed her down and wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her back into his chest. When she chuckled and snuggled back against him, her ass naturally grinding ever so slightly against his hips (and rather obvious erection), he groaned and hid his face in her neck.
“Yer mean.”
She did it again. “I’m not mean. You chose this, you laid out the rules and decided to torture yourself by insisting on sharing a bed nearly every night. This is you, baby-boo.”
“I’m trying to leave your options open.” He huffed and shifted even closer to her. “And I like cuddling you. Sleep better.”
“I’m not complaining about the cuddling, I like cuddling with you too. You smell nice. And I appreciate that you’re trying to be sensitive about this. I just don’t get why you torture yourself.”
He shrugged, chin still on her shoulder. “I dunno… I want this with you, but I know what any connection with me can do to a girl. I’ve seen women harassed by my fans for simply being a friend of a friend who was invited to a dinner party. I don’t want to do that to you.”
“I get that.” She turned her head and kissed his cheek. “I do. And it says so much for your character and the way your mother raised you that you think about it like that. It does.” She smiled against his cheek. “But I also think you sell yourself short. You are worth it, I promise, and any chick doesn’t think so, isn’t worth you worrying yourself sick over, ya know?”
His heart stopped beating, he could swear. “You think I’m worth being chased down and cyber bullied?”
She turned in his arms and locked eyes with him. “I do, yeah.” She nodded and grasped his face. “I do. Even if we’re just friends. Even if we end up not keeping up with each other in the future and we only see each other at industry parties and we never talk. You are a fantastic human being and you are worth it. That’s why your friends who have been harassed stick around. Not because of money or their fifteen minutes, but because you are wonderful. You gotta believe it though, baby. Doesn’t matter how many times I tell you that if you don’t believe it.”
He nodded and leaned forward to kiss her. “I don’t want you to regret what happens here… between us. I don’t want you to get back to LA, have a bad run-in with the paparazzi and hate me because we fucked when you were vulnerable and I was technically your boss in a weird way and you felt pressured o-”
“I know. I understand. That’s fine. I can wait but you should know that I don’t feel pressured and I don’t feel like there’s a power imbalance or some weird mojo or something. I feel like we’re friends-”
“We are friends… more’n friends, really. I adore you.”
She smiled and Harry felt like the sun was coming out at midnight. She pressed a soft kiss to his nose and cuddled him closer. “I adore you too. I don’t want you angsting over where we stand or feeling like you’re taking advantage of me, ‘cause you’re not, okay? You’re not.”
He nodded and quieted, admiring her bone structure and the tan she had developed in the past month. The sun had added color to her skin but stripped it from her hair, lightening her eyebrows in a way that made her look ethereal and even more angelic than she had previously.
“Yeh’re so beautiful, darling.”
She shied away a bit, but her grasped her chin between his thumb and forefinger. “Yeh are, yeah?”
She smiled and nodded. “Thank you.”
**
He stepped out of the SUV and straightened his silk button-up before handing Jamie out of the car, making sure she was steady in her sky-high sequined Louboutins before dropping her hand and wrapping an arm around her waist, hand landing squarely on her ass.
Normally he’d be keen to keep his hands in appropriate places but he frankly didn’t care tonight. She had been driving him crazy all day, wearing little more than his shirt and a pair of knickers for most of the day as she worked on new music for her band.
Or when she’d been getting ready for their night out, sitting at her vanity in a strapless bra (which did little to contain the loveliness of his girlfriend’s cleavage) and a frankly none-existent scrap of lace (“no panty lines, baby”) as she applied what little make-up she normally wore.
Or when she had turned her back to him, requesting help with the zip or allowed him to help buckle aforementioned sky-high Louboutins that arched her foot in the most delectable way-
“You seem tense, Baby.”
He grunted and swatted lightly at her bum before smoothing his thumb over the buttery, navy suede of her Alice + Olivia dress. “Behave yourself or we won’t make it long at this party.”
She grinned, deep crimson lips wicked. “Yes, Daddy.”
He paused and sighed, before pretending to turn them back towards that car.
“Haz!” She laughed.
“I’m serious, love. Behave.” He started back toward the door to the Viper Room.
She pouted up at him and pressed a kiss to his jaw. “You’re no fun.”
He stopped again and leaned down to speak directly in her ear, not caring in the slightest that this would be plastered all over every tabloid tomorrow- Let them see what she does to me, they’d never question this relationship again. “I have been patient all day, even though yeh know damn well that yeh were doin’ more teasin’ than workin’ today. Test me, love, and I’ll have yeh bent over in a bathroom stall before we can say hello t’anyone.”
Her breath caught in her throat and she swallowed. “Sounds like more fun than this party if ya ask me.”
“Don’t tempt me.”
“But it’s so much fun.” She batted her eyelashes up at him. “Besides… you’re already being bad, why not have even more fun?” She ran her thumb over a wing of the butterfly on his stomach. “They’ve already got an eyeful, yeah? Already broke the internet most likely… It can’t hurt.”
He grinned, leaning forward to press his forehead to hers. “Yer beautiful an’ sexy an’ so very, very mine an’ I love yeh.”
“Right back atcha, stud.”
**
“I don’t know what to wear…” She shifted through her clothes, lip caught between her teeth. Pulling a dress off the rail, she turned toward him. “Is this elopement appropriate?”
He shook his head and came to stand behind her, joining in the search. “Too fancy, they’ll know something is up.”
She sighed and nodded. “Right.”
He grabbed a white chiffon tank dress from the rail and smiled. “This’ll do nicely.”
“Baby, I know we live in LA, but it’s March and it’s still pretty chilly.”
“Right.” He tugged at his lip. “You can wear leggings?”
“Not with chiffon.” She cast an aimless look around the closet.
He shrugged. “It’s not that chilly, wear hose and then you can put something on over it.”
“That’ll work.” She grabbed the hanger from him and marched back into the bedroom. Quickly she took off his ‘Styles’ shirt and laid it on the bed before digging a strapless bra and nude hose out of her underwear drawer.
When she was dressed, she considered herself in the mirror and pulled him over to her side. Satisfied that they ‘went’, she nodded and moved to put on makeup. “What am I wearing over this… jean jacket?”
He shook his head and grabbed his shirt from where she had abandoned it on the bed. “Wear this.”
She turned to him and sucked in a breath. “Ya think?”
He grinned. “It’s gonna be as true for you as it is for me soon, future wife.”
She blinked away tears and smiled. “Shit! We’re getting married.”
“Yeah we are.” He leaned over to kiss her and dropped the shirt in her lap. “Hurry up, Monster. Through waitin’ for ye t’wear me name. Let’s go.”
She took a deep breath and smiled brilliantly and Harry was floored by just how beautiful his future wife was.
As he hoped he would be when she was his wife and the mother of his children.
As he hoped he always would be.
**
“’ello, yuuchube…” Mickie grinned at the camera, dimples on full display. “That’s how my dad says it… anyways, I have a treat for you today!” The camera panned as he turned it, losing focus for a short moment and then focused in on Harry sitting on the couch, the sound of piano scales being played in the background.
“Mum is teaching Georgie how to play the piano and Dad has been staring at her- probably without blinking! -for like… an hour.”
Video-Harry had his chin propped up on his fist, a notebook of presumably lyrics left open and forgotten in his lap. The smile on his face was soft as he stared just off camera.
“Hey, Baby?”
“Yes, my love?”
“Will you come teach this scale? My hands are too small.”
He grinned and stood, strolling rather leisurely to the piano that came into focus as Mickie followed at a distance. “Of course, anything for my gorgeous wife and my stupendous son.”
Video-Jamie squinted up at Video-Harry as he reached the bench. “Are you buttering me up for a particular reason or just cause?”
“Just ‘cause I love yeh.” He pressed a kiss to her cheek and motioned for her to stand. He slipped onto the bench and patted his thigh, smiling up at Jamie. She settled in his lap with an indulgent smile, brushing hair off his forehead as Harry cuddled Georgie against his side with his other arm. “Okay, Georgie, this is how it goes.”
The camera turned back to Mickie who smiled. “Like… I know that I’m supposed to be grossed out or somethin’... but like that’s how they always are and I’m glad that my dad loves my mum like that.”
“Mickie… baby, what’re you doing?”
“Oops…” He grinned sheepishly and turned the camera back at his parents and younger brother, who had all turned away from the piano. “I’m filmin’, Mum!”
Jaime chuckled, confused. “Filmin’ what?”
The camera jostled, almost like a shrug, as he walked to his parents. “You and Dad…”
“Why?”
Video-Jamie held out a hand for his and Mickie’s hand appeared in frame. “Just… dunno… like the way you and Dad are. Wanted people to see it.”
Harry smiled like he knew where this was going. “How do yeh mean, son?”
“Ya know… like in love and crap. It’s nice.” There was a long pause. “Not everyone’s parents are like that, but I like that you are.”
Jamie turned away from the camera for second to wipe at her eyes.
“Mumma… didn’t mean to make ya cry.” The camera dropped a bit.
“It’s okay, baby. That’s very sweet.”
Georgie nodded. “I like it too.”
Harry grinned and cuddled him closer. “Yeah?”
“‘Cause Mumma’s the prettiest and why wouldn’t you love her, right, Daddy?”
“Exactly, m’boy. Yer mum is the prettiest woman I’ve ever met… and the kindest and the smartest-”
“And the best mum!”
Harry turned back to Mickie and gathered him into a family hug. “That’s right.”
Jamie wiped at her eyes again. “Y’all…”
A Relationship
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So that event I went to vend at was interesting.
It rained like a motherfucker, so barely a fraction of the 1,000 people that said they would show up did. Oh, and that whole month I spent making pride pins that totaled up to over $350+ of my time, energy, and resources I'll never get back to amounted to like $16 and four sales. Awesome. This is the second goddamn event I've ever vended at, and I had shit to show for it - again. And yes, I'm going to be a bitter asshole and say these events aren't something I come to mingle and "have fun" at anymore. If I'm pouring money I don't have into something, then it will explicitly only be for business reasons and not socializing - and that's what yesterday was for me. It was me trying to support myself (since my health is a mess) and not having the the capacity to bridge connections with my own damn community.
I'm so tired of the shit, and there's another one coming up soon that I might be helping a table with - and I'm contemplating on not even bringing my box of leftover garbage because I already know nothing will sell. If it does, it will amount to either a fraction of my phone bill or a decent dinner from a takeout or fast food joint and one of my prescriptions. I also have a lingering suspicion that at least one of my pins was stolen, because I can't remember if it sold or was written down when I was dragged off somewhere and the table was left completely empty - and that pin alone is worth $5, again, of my time and patience of having to rework an old pattern into something more structured on top of having limited supplies to work with.
I'm exhausted with getting my hopes up for shit. I told myself as I was going to the event, as it was starting to rain, that it was only going to be a good day worth going up for if I turned a profit. I already knew I wasn't going to make a damn thing, so I lowered the bar from 1/4 of my supply (so at least 20 pins) down to a damn eigth (at least 10 pins) - and I couldn't even do half of that shit. Fucking half at an event that was six damn hours long. It's draining. I'm drained and too stressed to force myself back to sleep.
Given how much these last two events sucked, and how I'm sure this next one will too, I'm probably not going to make anything for the punk rock event happening in October if I already know it's just going to happen again. I'm also thinking about abandoning my plan to sell my one horror zine I've been doing for the same reasons. There's no point in wasting paper if it's just going to sit there.
Whatever. I'm going to go back to being a bitter asshole looking at memes and shitty videos until I get over it.
Edit: So after getting the money folder from my pin box, I actually turned a profit of $18 and not $16. Wow, I'm so loaded guys.
I'm rightfully pissed off knowing I wasted a lot of resources on shit people barely looked at or paid attention to and that's still a loss of $350+ for me. I have a $45 phone bill and I had to take $60 from a money jar my spouse and I have to cover said bill, which I still need to put back to make up for it. If I sold even half of my pins, I would have been secure and I wouldn't have to worry. But no. I barely have enough to cover half of my bill and I only have $21 or so in my bank.
I'm so tired of being disappointed like this. I get so gassed up that stuff will work out, and it never does. It doesn't help either that I've been stressed about my health again. My pains have been getting more difficult to put up with and I have no clue if I'll be able to get my appointment with my doctor bumped up to see what we can do if I even have a hernia. Plus, my anxiety has been slowing me down tremendously to where I've been having intrusive thoughts every 5-10 minutes, if not several rapid fire in succession - and the only time I can get a break from them is if I'm sedated from my night meds. Even when I wake up, I have a few minutes to enjoy the silence before it starts up again. It's so draining, and this is just another thing to have to put up with.
I dunno. It's so defeating in a way, and I'm kind of becoming apathetic about this one event we might vend at if we get accepted - and the news about who got in will be out sometime next week or so. I had so many plans and ideas, but I don't want to waste more time and energy if it's going to sit on my shelf and collect dust. The same goes for a collection of zines I've either been working on or had plans on. Like, what's the point?
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Hi! Do you have any tips for someone who is interested in writing fan fiction for the first time?
Okay, wow, so first off I just want to say that receiving this ask is a really pleasant surprise because I’ve always thought of myself as being a kind of insignificant fic writer in this fandom so the fact that someone sent this in and actually wants to hear my advice is a huge compliment.
So thanks nonny!
Tbh this is a difficult question to answer for me for a couple reasons. The first of which I sort of alluded to already being that I don’t write a whole lot of fic compared to other writers and find I’m still testing the ropes in many areas myself! The second being that one of the most wonderful things about fic is that there are no rules. You can write whatever the fuck you want and if anyone doesn’t like that then that’s their problem - certainly not a problem with the writer. There’s essentially no limit to what you can write.
Anyway, I’ll try to give some tips below!
1. Read lots of fic!
This is honestly a huge one. I don’t think I ever would have started writing fanfic if I didn’t start reading it first. It just has a very different tone to it than published novels or other works do, in terms of both plot structure and the actual style of the writing. It’s very unique. The way I write fic is very different from how I write orginal works.
I’m sure if you’re interested in writing fic, you’ve probably already read fic, but I think that reading lots of other people’s fic can do a lot to help you set the tone of your writing and find your style. This isn’t to say you should steal other people’s ideas or anything, but reading fanfic can give you inspiration and help you discover fanfic tropes that you like or certain aspects of writing that work well for the genre.
2. Find inspiration in media/situations around you
One great thing about fic is that you don’t have to worry about copyright in the same way that a publishing author would. That doesn’t mean it’s cool to plagiarize, but you can take inspiration from media around you - that’s the wonderful thing about AU’s. A lot of fanfic ideas come from other sources of literature and putting your favourite characters into a universe or situation that otherwise would be completely unrelated to them is not just enjoyable to read, but super engaging to write as well!
This part is how I eventually decided to try out writing modern AU’s instead of canonverse, because I felt inspired after watching Christmas Inheritance.
3. Have a crazy idea? A weird as fuck idea? Who cares - go for it!
Need I say more?
There are no limits to writing in fic. You can write the weirdest shit ever and there are few who will judge you for it. So if you feel like it, go for it. Don’t hesitate.
4. Don’t limit yourself! Test your boundaries.
Kind of jumping off the last point, I think this is something that’s really important. As I talked about a bit before, for a long time I only ever wrote canonverse because I didn’t think I would be able to write other AU’s. Which turned out to be completely ridiculous. Don’t be afraid to try something new!
5. Write the story you want to read
To be perfectly honest, most of the fic I’ve written I wrote because I got this idea into my head and I couldn’t shake it and the only thing to do was write it down because no one else could. I also have MADD so I’m super susceptible to getting these crazy vivid daydreams when I have a creative idea in my head that literally don’t leave me alone … ever. So fanfic for me is a way of trying to turn it into something I can share (even though a lot of the time it ends up sitting in my brain anyway).
So think about the kind of story that you want to read, not anyone else.
6. EDIT.
And tbh I should take my own advice because a lot of the time I’ll finish writing something and I’m so happy that I’ve finally finished it that I just go ahead and post it after barely skimming over it. But a fic can be improved drastically by revising it, just like any story. And grammatical/punctuation errors can be a huge turn-off for readers so its good to go over the story and polish it up a bit.
Which is something I definitely need to do better … lol.
7. Don’t get too hung up on the small details if they’re holding you back.
At the end of the day, fic is about the characters and the relationships. Most fic readers will provide suspension of disbelief for most of your plotholes, anyway. Not saying you should aim for plot holes, but if you don’t know the correct medical procedure for treating a collapsed lung its okay to settle for a short “i dunno what i’m doing” disclaimer and move on, lol. It’s not like we’re publishing our fanfic or anything.
Unless you happen to be a twilight or Harry Styles fan. In which case you might just have a shot.
8. WRITE FOR YOURSELF!
I can’t stress this enough! Everyone wants to be validated and receive kudos/likes and praise for their work but the reality is - as much as people may enjoy your writing and while you’re bound to get varying levels of activity on your works - writing fanfic will never be satisfying for you unless you do it for yourself.
So write the story you want to write, and write what you want to read, and try to enjoy it. A lot of the time writing can end up feeling more like a chore than a hobby, so try to hold onto the moments of joy it gives you that you can, and don’t get down on yourself.
Those are some of my tips! Hope this is useful to you
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