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Phoenix
Back from the ashes! - Gravity Falls /BillDip Au. WARNING: A̧͏̛̀D̵̡̨̀͞Ù̶͜͠L҉̶̷̨T̢͟ ̵̢̧͟͠C͏͟O͟͡N̸̢Ţ́È̵̕N̶̴̡T҉̧̛͞ ͟A̸͞H̴̴̨͝͠E̵͢͞A̡͢͏̨͢D͏̷͏̷̧ - Introduction
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So bill, I’m guessing you’re afraid of bugs? that actually makes sense, don’t worry though, I’m afraid of bugs too,as well as a lot of other people around the world, so you’re not alone
Bipper: I’m not scared of bugs, that’s just stupid. They’re tiny and insignificant and only a minuscule fraction are poisonous enough to harm a human, and I’m not harmed by poisons at all so why the hell would I be scared of a bug??
Bipper: Vortocienz parasites, on the other hand, are a different thing entirely. Any living being should fear them, with very good reason, and honestly I may just dislike blister beetle larva purely by how they resemble those. But I don’t fear those, I fear the real thing. They can burn in all of the Hells forever and please stay away from me.
#little monsters au#ask LM Bipper#bipper#bill cipher#gravity falls au#u guys are making him cringe#also gonna leave the au on pause for a lil while now#while I get other things off my system#just a heads up#rainbowcatblaster
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Heya Bill! I’ve got a question regarding the physical pain that you may or may not experience. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever gotten stuck in your eye and how did you get it out?
Bipper: Ugh, I’ll have to go with that one time I got an entire brood of Vortocientz parasites stuck behind my eye. They crawled up and tangled themselves in the nerves and- oh GODDSSS even just remembering it its making me wanna dissolve my own matter into goo. I had to tear my own eye out nerve by nerve, careful not to open any wounds that would let those monsters inside me, it was by far the worst thing I’ve ever had to experience.The closest thing I know of that exists in this planet are those blister beetle larvae things that luckily only target flying insects. Seriously, don’t look up videos of those or you’ll get NIGHTMARES worse than what I can give you; because those exist. But if you dare look them up imagine those things, crawling all behind my one magnificent eye, scratching with their tiny claws ughghhhhhhhh. Honestly, I don’t even know why my past self left the memory of this horrid occurrence behind instead of some other more important information I am missing right now!!! What purpose does this memory have?? To keep me from getting Vortocientz parasites in my eyes again??? They’re invisible!!! And only exist in a single dimension, where they’re overflowing it!!! I can’t see them coming but they’re super easy to avoid, just don’t go into that damned dimension! Could have just kept that info instead of the vissghhaAAAAGHH!!!
#little monsters au#ask LM Bipper#bipper#bill cipher#gravity falls au#late but made it#sorry im going through nostalgia fever rn#also imagine bill#he pops his head in a dimension#gets assaulted by invisible parasites#inmediately pulls out and spends rest of the decade getting rid of the little demons#never doing that ever again never#geoffacakes
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Bill, what would Glunkus look like as a human? Perhaps an anime guy with black hair and sharp teeth?🤔
Bipper: ...
Bipper: Why do you make me imagine these things?!
#little monsters au#ask LM Bipper#bipper#bill cipher#glunkus#end the suffering#please#foulchaosinfluencer
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So I asked this before tumblr decided to wipe your account off the face of the earth, but now that your here again... here’s my question: why did you destroy your home dimension bill? it must’ve been pretty bad for you to want to destroy the place that you were born in (also don’t ask how i know this, I just do)
Bill: Well, I kinda have been avoiding answering this question for a while I guess but since you guys have thoroughly demonstrated to be absolutely uninterested on helping this dimension survive me in the long run, I don’t see much of a reason not to tell you why. It’s simple really, I just h-...
Bill: I....well....
Bill: Y-You see, my....
Bill: That’s strange, I was sure I had that memory tucked away somewhere. Did I....did I remember to leave it behind the last time I...?...did I pass that down when I broke a part of me and...? H-Hold on for a second, I’m starting to get w.... Wait....Wait...
#little monsters au#ask LM Bill#bill cipher#gravity falls au#welps#welpsss#better a day late than never#going through the older asks rn#Bill seems to be ina bit of a pickle here#rainbowcatblaster
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So bill, do you still feel weird when you’re out of the clone suits? because in some asks you’re in the clone suits and sometimes you’re not, is it just to keep it consistent or something?
Bill: Actually, that’s because I’m trying to practice my magic a lot more these days! Staying inside the clonesuits when I’m magicking around could ruin them super easily, they’re made of paper after all, so I leave them home for that. Also, Ford prefers me out of the suit when I go visit him so I stay au naturale around those times as well; so yeah, I’ve been spending a lot of the day without a vessel lately!
Bill: Also, I’ve gone through a lot more vessels already that I suspected I would. Even being extra careful around Sammy or just stuff in general doesn’t seem to help much, somehow I always end up hurting them or maiming them or accidentally amputating a limb almost every other day. I’m fearing I may have grossly miscalculated how many of those I would need to keep me at bay until Dipper returns... I’m not on my last ones, not yet, but I rather still save them up. I’d hate hate HATE it so much if Dipper finally arrived back and I didn’t have a proper suit to properly greet him with.
#little monsters au#ask LM Bill#billdip#bill cipher#grvity falls au#triple feature in a day wohoo#can ya tell i'm trying to make up for me absence#also real talk#reason for so much triangle lately is cuz I have little time to draw#outside of work#so by reusing old triangles I can at least still answer asks#sorry forks#more effort will come to this soon#im just in a bad place rn#rainbowcatblaster
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What's Ford think of Gluncus (is that how it's spelled)? He ever studied him like another anomaly, or Dipper maybe?
Bill: He-he!! Ford thinks Glunkus is...frustrating. He’s followed me down to the lab a few times ever since Ford got friendlier with me, and he’s tried to catch him in several occasions but can never really get a hold of him. Glunkus is never aggressive towards him or anything (well, except that one time when Ford’s questions had started to actually make me sorta uncomfortable and he hissed real loud at him. Ford did not enjoy the sight of the face fulla teeth all rotating and expanding, I’ll tell you that much) but he won’t stay in any cage Ford puts him into. He’ll happily sit on his lap and purr, as long as Ford plays nice, but can’t contain him long enough to do any studies on him. I’ve even tried to help once, because I’m honestly as curious about this little guy as he is, but if Glunkus doesn’t want our probing then there’s not much we can do about it. I mean maybe I could, but my magic’s just barely starting to properly recover and I don’t really wanna pit it against an entity like him when I know so little about his capabilities. Also, I don’t wanna annoy him. That’s kinda rude.
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Willy *snrk* congrats on reaching a friendlier state with Fordsy. How often do you two, like, hang out? What do you two do together?
Bill: What
Bill: D͙̜ͪͤ̓͢͠͞I̵̪̫̳̒̐̈͞D̓҉̠̮̰̰̱̯̪̣̬ ̀ͮ̓ͦ҉̶͓̟̪̳͓͢ͅI̷̠ͮ ̦͉͊̑ͦ́̚͘͝S̴̼̗̘̺̀̿̇ͧ̉̎͞A̵̺͓͉̱̓͑̾̈ͧ͜ͅY̴̛͇̮̮͍̜͌͛ͣ͑
Bill: about calling me that stupid-
Bill: Oh!! Hehe, I was wondering when someone was gonna ask. Well, so far I’m happy to report his friendlier demeanor towards me did last longer than the twelve hour period I calculated it would. He’s still somewhat distant, but he’s slowly, slowly opening up to me again! And It’s…I can’t describe the feeling.
Have you ever had a friendship ruined with someone for decades to the point where you became mortal enemies and the suddenly a miracle happens and you guys are on the road to maybe friendship again? No? Of course you haven’t. Well, whatever less dramatic and important thing that has happened to you personally that you can relate to my situation, imagine that feeling but like, elevated to a trillion. It’s amazing, and I can barely contain myself these days.
Mostly we hang out down the lab, I help him with little projects or we just pass the time with board games and such. Nothing too big yet, I have a sense I’m still on a like probation period, but most of the time it’s a mutually pleasant experience! (well, not that kinda pleasant…sadly…but pleasant regardless). The one thing that I’m having a slight problem with, even though I saw it coming, is that he’s starting to… ask questions.
And not in the over the top, crazed detective with ten cups of coffee and a week of no sleep on kinda way he’d been doing it in the past. These now come in subtle ways, during our chats and when my defenses are…honestly…lowered. I’ve been able to misdirect most of the really pesky ones (only like one or two about Dipper so far, luckily) but I see him wisening up, getting more poignant, but never probing far enough for me to have a honest reason to get offended or dismiss them outright. It’s kinda scary how cunning he can be when he wants to. And….I kinda love it? I haven’t had this much intellectual stimuli since Dipper left, and even though I don’t actually want him to corner me and make me admit anything problematic this sorta cat-and-mouse chase we have with words is, honestly, very stimulating for me. I wouldn��t mind if it keeps happening, however dangerous it can get. He-he.
#little monsters au#ask Lm Bill#bill cipher#ford#gravity falls au#someone asks about ford and he immediately pipes up#no surprises there#also sorry for missing two posts#had tons of heath related issues at home#Anonymous
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Bill, I'm sorry to have disturbed you, I was just giving you ideas and trying to help for your best interests. Please don't kill me.😟
Bill: Well your ideas are bad, and they’re not gonna become instantly good just because you keep throwing them at me in increasingly roundabout ways. Don’t worry, I won’t kill you. You’re not worth the trouble. Yet. Don’t test your luck, please.
On a positive note, not all your questions are bad!
Bill: See, this one’s ok because ever since the old blog got…uh, snapped, I can’t rely on the regular viewers on knowing what the hell is going on over here anymore (especially with the archive site being such a pain to navigate as it is) so this gives me an excuse to go over small details!
Like my good friend Sammy, the Slutty Satyr! We’re fuckbuddies, basically. Found him in the woods one day while going pretty much insane from sex withdrawal and we hit (each other) off rather quickly. Now I know how you humans are about ‘”sexual loyalty to your partners” and all that but don’t worry, Dipper’s aware of him and he agreed to this much before I ever met this pal o’ mine! See, ever since I started inhabiting these hormonally charged human vessels I’ve become…let’s say…I don’t wanna use the word addicted because that’s much too strong but the urge to have sex becomes entirely too distracting and I can’t have a moment of respite to even think straight! The damn urges follow me even outside the meatsuits, it’s like an annoying itch I never get to scratch!
Luckily, Dipper agreed to let me find a living outlet for the problematic urges and even more luckily I met the perfect candidate for this. Sammy likes sex, has a boyfriend, and is very much in the same situation as I am (boyfriend’s away and he needs to bone) so we scratch each other’s itches. And let me tell you, not often do I get into mutually beneficial relationships (they’re usually heavily unbalanced in my favor) but this one I don’t mind having at all! It’s only gonna last until his boyfriend or mine comes back tho, or at lest the sex part will. I wouldn’t mind keeping him around even without that, he’s a funny guy.
Sammy: Also I he-elp you improve your se-e-ex skills so once your bf comes ba-a-ack you don’t suck at it from la-ack of pra-actice.
Bill: That’s an excellent point Sammy, well said!.
Sammy: Also if you guy-y-s wanna toss ideas for me to do to hi-im, I’m all ears
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).
Bill: Ok that’s enough now.
Sammy: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Bill: How are you doing that.
Sammy: ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)
Bill: Stop.
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So sorry I mixed up your disguise for you being Wendy. They just look so much alike.
Bill: I have no words.
#little monsters au#ask LM Bill#bill cipher#billdip#gravity falls au#*gestures violently*#foulchaosinfluencer
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Bill, since you're disguising as Wendy, wouldn't you think it's best to disguise your pupils and put some pillows under your shirt to make them look like boobs?🤔
Bill: Uh…I think you got confused a lil’ there buddy. I was dressed up as Wendy’s brother. Brother! Not as her! And even if I wanted to dress up as her for whatever absurd and suicidal reason, I wouldn’t even need any kinda fake boobage. I mean, to simulate what? That ironing board she has for a chest?
Bill: Have you arrived to channel the entirety of the human capacity for stupidity onto me all at once for an afternoon?? If I? Do that?? The parents?? Would NEVER?? let Dipper?? Come back??? And I don’t wanna have to wait until I beak free from this stupid prison of a town to see him again?? What kinda asinine idea is…
Bill: Wait…wait…marry-…H-hold on… Marry him??…hold on…
Bill: I̴̟̳͆͆̽̄ͩ̐ ̵̈́͆̚ͅK̼͕̜̾͆͌̃͂͛ͨ͟N̛ͨ̐Ǫ̳̞͇̭̺͗͛ͨͦ̓W̳͈͎̪ͪ ̶͚̣̜͔̐ͧY͊̒͊ͥͥ͋҉͉̺͇O͇̦̰̅̀͒̔ͣͅǓ̬͍̜̒.̣̗̬̲͕́.͛̄ͦ҉̹̤̹̮.̨͇̞̙̰
#little monsters au#ask LM Bill#billdip#bipdip#gravity falls au#oh no they're back#there's some history with this fellow here#foulchaosinfluencer
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See, this is what you get for not telling Wendy about this plan o' yours! She barely tolerates you as is, you think this is gonna help?
Bill: Ok first, I don’t care much for her tolerating me; I mean she already has to during her work hours and after those is pretty easy to avoid her, and s-
Sammy: Hey, pal! Are ya gonna need this vessel back or no?
Bill: Nah, that thing took quite a toll after the beating and our fun. Don’t think I can use it again, you can keep it if you want.
Sammy: Sweet!
Bill: So as I was saying, I don’t mind her much disliking me. I mean it would be nice if she didn’t, sure would make things easier for me, but she’s not actively trying to have Dipper break up with me so unless I do something bad enough to get her to do that (and I don’t think what I just now did counts) I’m fine and dandy with getting stared into my neck at work every day, no harm done. Sec-
Bill: …wait…
Bill: Y’know what Sammy, I just realized there’s nothing you can do to that empty vessel that’s not gonna be absolutely creepy, and I rather not right now. Hand it back, I’m gonna go burn it somewhere.
Sammy: Awww, but I was gonna have so much fun!! And you wanna call yourself the life of the party here??!
#little monsters au#ask LM Bill#billdip#bipdip#gravity falls au#im low on asks guys#u can send any if you like#anon too#Anonymous
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Bipper: Success!! Absolute triumph! An outstanding outcome, a knock-out out victory!! And I’m not just taking about the bare-knuckle brawl I just had with Wendy because she saw me with the costume on and I wasn’t able to run away fast enough!! Ok, I didn’t beat her up exactly, but I managed to escape with the vessel mostly intact so it still counts by my standards.
Bipper: Dipper’s parents have been thoroughly charmed, ‘s what I mean. Absolutely gobsmacked with the adorable cuteness and quirky persona I crafted, just as expected, and of course they wouldn’t dare deny Dipper a trip here through his short break and risk two tiny broken hearts! Their only caveat has been that Dipper keeps up his grades until then, which shouldn’t be all that difficult since it’s not so far away and Ford and I help him a ton with homework, and that we take loads of photos together. Normally I wouldn’t be too happy to have my staggering good looks plastered all around informing everyone of my existence when I’m in this weakened state, but the only person that could possibly do anything bad with such information is trying to friendship again with me so I’m feeling much more lenient on that front. Honestly, I’m just...I haven’t felt this happy in months.
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Meet The Parents
Written by @jkl-fff, illustrated by me
————————————————————————————————
Bill, meticulously arranging props in front of laptop: … Okay,
that looks enough like organization getting unintentionally messy …
[puts cotton balls in cheeks to make them rounder,
straightens tie, puts on stolen glasses, picks up pen]
And now, to wait for the skyelp to come through!
[bends over “homework” as if dutifully studying …
holds exact pose for over 5 minutes while quivering
with excitement]
*laptop chimes as skyelp comes online*
Dipper, excitedly: Will? You there? I’m here with Mom and—
[registers costume (especially new additions of sweater vest,
tie, and glasses) and gasps]
Bill, beaming and voice-cracking: Dippy!
Dipper, breathlessly happy: … h-hey there …
Ms. Pines, squealing softly to her husband: My gosh, he’s so cute!
Mr. Pines, just as softly and trying not to laugh: He looks like
a tiny, Irish accountant. Like he’s balancing the ledgers for
the Leprechaun King.
Ms. Pines: I know! I just wanna pat his chubby, little cheeks
and put a pencil behind his ear!
Dipper, blushing: M-Mom! Dad! Don’t embarrass me with B-Will!
[clearing throat]
Um, Will. This is m-my Mom and Dad.
Bill, dripping with wholesome enthusiasm: Pleased to meecha,
Ms. and Mr. Pines! I’m William Corduroy, but you can call me Will.
Or even (ugh) Willy, if you like.
Ms. Pines: Well, Willy, it is sooo nice to finally meet you!
Mr. Pines, sternly: What are your intentions with my son?
[gets smacked by wife while son groans]
What? C’mon, I had to ask it at least once. I’m a dad!
Bill: My intentions?
[flashes through everything he’s imagined doing with Dipper
since the twins had to go home … it’s pretty wild;
blushes; starts to sweat]
hhh … HOLD HANDS! MAYBE KISS FACE! CH-CHERISH!
[gestures helplessly at Dipper]
I mean, look at him! What else could anyone intend with him?!
Ms. Pines and Dipper: D’awww!
Mr. Pines, still sternly: You tell me. What else do you intend?
Dipper, burying face in hands: Oh, Moses, Dad …
Ms. Pines: Dear, stop, you’re making the poor boys nervous. And
teenage boys already sweat enough as it is. Just look at Dipper.
Dipper: Mom!
Ms. Pines, insistently: We can have a talk about … safety
and responsibility later.
[Bill and Dipper exchange a horrified look]
Right now, we’re here to get to know Dipper’s little boyfriend.
So stop acting out clichés for 5 minutes, please. Now, Willy …
um … How’s your day been? What’ve you been up to?
Bill, relaxing visibly as things go back on script: Oh, y’know.
Same old, same old. School. Now I’m just here at the library,
gettin’ my homework done for the weekend.
[gestures at prop “homework” like a good student]
Sorry I couldn’t do this at home where you could meet my dad,
but we don’t have a computer. If you can believe that.
It’s also why I’m still wearin’ these school clothes.
Dipper, confused: School clothes? Gravity Falls schools don’t
require uniforms. They’re public.
Bill: Oh, well … Today was … special.
Dipper: Did you … dress up just to impress my parents?
Bill, a little defensively: Golly, I just wanted to make
a good first impression! So your folks’ll, y’know … like me.
And let us keep being together.
Ms. Pines, charmed: Oh, don’t worry, Willy. It worked;
I think you look absolutely darling!
Bill: Gee, thanks! I can see where Dippy gets his sweet personality!
Ms. Pines: Oh, you!
Mr. Pines, rolling eyes: Okay, honey, dial back the falling for
cheesy compliments. Anyway, Will, what do you like to study?
Bill: Oh, I really like math. Especially … trigonometry.
Dipper, snorting: Pff! Seriously? Oh, um, inside joke.
Bill: Perpendicular.
Dipper: Hahaha! C’mon, man, be serious!
Bill: Let’s see … I also like psychology. Dream analysis
is fun, ‘cause then I getta tell people that, like, I’m the boy
of their dreams … analysis! At least, I getta tell Dipper that.
Mr. Pines, snorting: Okay, I’ll give you points for that one, kid.
Dad Joke level of corniness. 6.5/10.
Bill, grinning: Gee, thanks!
Mr. Pines: You getting good grades in math and psychology?
Bill, playing at modesty: Oh, golly, sir. I don’t wanna brag …
But it is easier to work hard when it’s fun, y’know?
Unlike the way they do history classes here.
Mr. Pines: Boring teachers?
Bill: Yeah. Plus, they’re complete schills for the conservative
military-industrial complex. It’s bad propaganda done borin’ly.
Mr. Pines, perking up: What makes you say that?
Bill: Oh, the usual. The don’t even teach that Ben Franklin
was secretly Gwen Franklin, that JFK was killed by mobsters
from the future to keep him from becomin’ a robo-dictator,
and that Ronald Reagan was a mind-controlled puppet
put in power by a conspiracy of billionaires to keep colonizin’
other countries for their resources and essentially slave labor.
Mr. Pines: Ugh! Tell me about it! And it’s all because they want
to keep the populace uninformed and easy to pacify.
Bill, defiantly: But it’s not gonna work on me! Or Dippy!
We do our own historical research and stick it to the man!
Mr. Pines: Boo-yeah! Tear down corporate capitalism!
[turns to wife]
Okay, I like this kid.
Bill: I can see where Dipper gets his keen judgment
of character. Along with his striking good looks.
Mr. Pines: Oh, go on!
*Dipper gives bill a secret thumbs-up*
Ms. Pines, smirking: Okay, now who has to dial back
the falling for cheesy compliments?
[turns back to Bill]
So, math and psychology and rebellious history study …
Given any thought to what you’d like to do with those
when you grow up?
Bill, feigning thoughtfulness: I … think … I’d …
like to make video games. Coding and design and such.
But ones that make players think and be creative.
Ms. Pines, impressed: Really? Has Dipper told you that’s
the kind of work I do?
Bill: What? No! Gosh, Dippy, why’d you never tell me!
That’s just swell, ma’am! What kind?
Ms. Pines: Indie games, so there’s a lot of side-scrolling
and retro RPG elements—very basic gaming elements—
but sooo much more heart. And, like, artistic integrity.
The kinda stuff that really touches people.
Bill, starry-eyed: That’s the kinda stuff I wanna make!
Ms. Pines: It’s not easy … but it’s worth it.
So, how’d you and Dipper meet? When’d you start dat—
Mr. Pines: Wait, sorry, hold up. Is that a freakin’ skull?
[points at shelf]
Bill, genuinely surprised: What?
[turns, has to take off glasses to actually see]
Well, gosh, it looks like it is.
Dipper, mouthing silently: Why in the 79 hells would you
even put that there?!
Bill, honestly: I’m honestly not sure why the library’d
have that. I didn’t even notice it.
Mr. Pines: Might wanna get your prescription checked, kiddo.
Bill: They’re reading glasses, so …
Dipper, mouthing silently: Where’d you even …
ARE THOSE GRUNCLE FORD’S?!
———
[Meanwhile, back at the Shack,
Ford, stumbling around all squint-eyed: Ah, Stan,
there you are! Have you seen my glasses?
Sascrotch, standing mutely like a taxidermied figure: …
Ford: It’s the darndest thing. I’d swear I set them on
the end table when I laid down to take a nap, but
couldn’t find them when I woke up. Of course, I’m not
having much luck finding my glasses without my glasses.
Sascrotch: ��
Ford: What? Oh, am I still getting the silent treatment
for saying you’re too old to have hair that long?
Sascrotch: …
Ford, indignantly turning away: Fine, who needs you
anyway? I’d find them without your hel—
Ford, tripping: AAA!
Ford, lying flat on his face: … I’m alright!]
———-
Bill, continuing as if to the Dad, but actually to Dipper:
It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[goes and puts a book in front of the skull]
There! Problem solved!
Mr. Pines: Yeah, that’s much bet …
Is that The Necronomicon?!
Bill, genuinely surprised again: … Huh. Looks like it is.
[picks it up, pages through it … shakes head]
Nah, it’s just The Nockoffronomicon. You can tell ‘cause
it doesn’t mention Shaggy or even Bob. And instead of
Cthulhu, it’s dedicated to Cthhula.
[puts different book in front of skull]
The best dancer among the Elder Gods, am I right?
Mr. Pines: Heh … 7/10 for that one.
Bill: Gee, thanks! Anyway, um … D’you mind if I tell ‘em,
Dippy? You’re sure it’s okay?
[pretending to get bashful]
So, um … Dippy used to have a crush on my big sis, Wendy.
And ‘cause she works at the Shack, they’d be, like,
hanging out together a lot. He even came over to the house
a few times. And, um, naturally I had a crush on him
from the get go, ‘cause just look at him! Who wouldn’t?
Dipper, blushing: Ah, jeez …
Ms. Pines: D’awww!
Mr. Pines, grudgingly: D’awww …
Bill, making himself grin and blush wholesomely: So I started
coming along to hang out. Then, before I knew it, it was just us
hanging out alone together. And we were exploring the woods
one day when we found some wild mistletoe—golly, I told him,
“That’s wild mistletoe. That’s what it looks like in the wild.”
and then he said … No, he stepped under it first, then he said,
“Guess we gotta kiss now.”—and so we kissed.
Mr. Pines, slapping his son on the back: You sly, little dog!
Bill: And I was like, “Gee, that was swell!” Can you believe it?!
Real lame-o line to follow a first kiss, right? And he was like,
“We could do it again, if you want.” And I said, “But, gosh,
we’re not even dating! Everyone’ll think I’m a boy-floozy!”
Ms. Pines: HA! Oh, that’s precious!
Bill, giggling: Y-yes, ma’am! It was! And then Dippy, he said,
“Well, be my boyfriend. We’ll start calling our hang-outs dates,
and I’ll fight anyone who calls you a floozy.”
It was soooo chivalrous!
Dipper, beet red and with his hands in his face: Stahp …
*a while later, after the parents have left*
Dipper, relieved: That … That went a lot better
than expected. And they sure loved Willy Corduroy.
Bill, self-assuredly: Natch. I’m inescapably charming,
no matter the alias.
[pulls out cotton balls and tosses them in the trash]
If you ever call me Willy, though, I will shank
one of your stuffed animals. That was me takin’ one for
the team. Which is us, by the way. The team is us.
Dipper: Heh! Yeah, I gathered that.
Bill: Still, I’m surprised they never asked about my eyes …
Dipper: Oh, I “warned” them in advance. Told them you had
a medical condition, and that you were really sensitive about it.
Bill: Good thinking. You’re so smart. And handsome. And sexy.
Dipper, grinning: Stahp!
Bill, grinning back: Nope. Never. Because I love you.
Dipper: Hehehe! I love you, too … Willy!
#little monsters au#billdip#bipdip#bill cipher#dipper pines#gravity falls au#writing#fanfiction#meet the parents#here it is bois#submission
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Best of luck on your interview for the Official Dipper's Boyfriend Position! I like how your resume looks so far, and you got the good presence nailed already. You got a good shot at this ;D
Bill: Well thank you too for the good wishes! Man, you guys keep wishing me luck on this like there’s any possibility that I may screw it up or something! But rest assured, I won’t. I can’t. There’s no room for screwing this one up.
Bill: I am extremely anxious.
#little monsters au#ask LM Bill#billdip#bipdip#bill cipher#he anxious D.#also sorry for not posting yesterday#had my internet down#new posting schedule will be monday and friday#hopefully more than once per day#if im able#and got asks to spare#which i don't rn#I could use some more asks#Anonymous
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OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH MYYYYYYY GOOOOOOSSSSSSHHH!! THIS IS SO EXCITING!!! I’m sure you’re feeling really nervous about making a good impression tho, but I’m sure you’re gonna do fine, you’re bill Cipher after all!
Bipper: Pff! Me?? Nervous???? Ph-lease! I’ve tricked humans a thousand times over, and this time I have a stupendously cute vessel to present myself with, plus a lot of intel from the son and daughters of the targets themselves! Sure, I don’t have most of my powers to rely on, but that just means I get to flex my more…unconventional means of convincing. Unconventional to me, of course, you humans are stuck with them all the time. This will just mean that, at the end of the day, I can do this with or without powers either way. So I’m better than all of humanity combined. Of course you already knew that, but it’s a good reminder.
Sammy: Ohmygodsholycrapwhatisthat?!?!?
Bipper: Hum…? This is a costume?
Sammy: When did you become even hotter?!?!
Bipper (offended): it’s a costume. And I don’t like the implication that Dipper’s visage wasn’t perfectly attractive already, pal.
Sammy: I’m just telling what I see here, friendo. You somehow managed to turn your regular vessel into a fantastically adorable looking one!! I just wanna eat you all up, in several ways!
Bipper: No, back off there. I don’t want you ruining my makeup, these freckles took an eternity to get right.
Sammy: Oh, I don’t need to touch your face to achieve what I have in mind.
Bipper: You’ll make me sweat, it’s all the same!! If you so much as put a single finger on me I swear on your earthly existence I will pull your horns out through your butthole!
Sammy: I’m temped enough as is, Cipher, you don’t need to add fuel to the fire with those promises.
Bipper: Get lost! Now! And take those blue balls of yours with you!
Sammy: Can I take yours as well? :D
Bipper: NO!
#little monsters au#ask LM Bipper#bipper#billdip#bipdip#a reminder that this series is aimed for people above the legal age#for adult stuff#it sucks that i can't tag properly because of tumblr being an asshole#but still#reminder#rainbowcatblaster
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Have you talked to Dipper recently? How is he doing?
Bipper: Guys! Holy Elder Shit! It’s like everything’s happening at once now, after like weeks of stagnation!! You will not believe what’s just transpired!!Ok, it’s not that difficult to believe, but here it goes: I’m having an interview with Dipper’s parents over webcam! Turns out Dipper’s mom caught on Dipper having a boyfriend a bit ago and confronted him, and he told him about me! Well, kind of; we had a story prepared for this sorta scenario since we knew it wouldn’t stay a secret for them forever, so he’s used that story and so far they seem convinced; but they wanna meet me. Have a costume ready for it, only detail left to the wind is to mention to Wendy that I’m pretending to be her brother for this one but I’m sure that’s gonna be no problem.
Bipper: So we have a scheduled web chat with cam this next Friday, but for now we gonna do a rehearsal with him and Mabel this afternoon. The plan is for me to go to the library with the laptop and pretend to do homework n’ shit so I have an excuse not to introduce my “parents” as well as to leave a good impression. And I really wanna leave a good impression, like the best possible. I wanna charm them both the best I can with no powers and over a camera, and luckily I have practice on the matter so it shouldn’t be hard after some research on those two. If all goes well and Dipper’s parents see how in love we are and how much of a good influence I am on their son, they’re gonna be that much likely to let him come over the upcoming school break!!
#little monsters au#ask LM Bipper#billdip#bipdip#gravity falls au#holy shit#pivotal moment#Anonymous
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Awwwwww!! I’m so happy that you and ford are (somewhat) getting along again after all these years! but I have a question, why do you look like you just got attacked by the multi-bear, and are you okay?
Bipper: Oh, what, this here?
Bipper: That’s the result of a heavy amount of nerdying delivered all at once, hehe! S’not my ink tho, don’t worry; I just broke a fountain pen by flinging it at a wall on accident. Don’t ask details, they don’t matter. Although I do think I’ll have to ask Stan about removing ink stains from clothes.
Bipper: ...had I not done that already, by the way? I remember asking him how to remove blood, and considering these clonesuits’ blood is ink you’d think I’d need that information much sooner. Huh...guess I’ve only recently started to care about keeping all of these things in top condition, I s’pose.
#little monsters au#bipper#bill cipher#ask LM Bipper#gravity falls au#he finally learnin the value of not destroying shit that's costed you money#rainbowcatblaster
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