I love being told that the help I'm given means I owe something to the person who helped me 🙃 Like don't help me, then.

Death has been calling me lately and fuck it I’m at his door step about to ring the doorbell

im so tired of being employed

ROUND 1, MATCH 50

I Hate Living vs Romantic Theory

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The jealousy of other people's skills, the weight of insurmountable expectations, the fear of not achieving and the limitless procrastination keeps me from doing anything.

The fact there's someone out there working hours after midnight and into the lazy afternoons. The fact there's people who run in the rain to reach a destination. The fact there's people who have someone they think of when they sleep or someone that makes them feel alive. The fact there's someone who works harder than you ever could. The fact there's someone who is way better at what you do without any extra effort. The fact.....you will never be what you want to be in life.

I wish I didn't care about anything. To live a life with no destinations, a path where I don't know to what it is leading to. I want to be a no thoughts; head empty kind of person. I want to have no interests in life or so many interests that the failure of a particular thing doesn't bother me, that I can move on freely from one thing to other without regrets. A life of no assumptions, regrets, resolutions, promises, expectations. A life that's full of colour and light, where I walk as if no one else is watching, talk as if none of my words matter, eat as if there's no effect of the food on my body, sleep as if I can be in an endless slumber.

If you don't have to think or care about anything, you can live a life of a nobody. Your actions won't matter and that's okay, actions make past or future but you would always live in the present.

feeling very lonely, but at least I have the Beatles to sing me their silly little tunes from my phone 24/7

Misconceptions About Disability Allowance

I am autistic, and because of that I get disability allowance, since you know, it’s hard for autistic people to get a job.

I don’t have a job yet, I’m still in school, but I use my disability allowance to get my meds and put it in the bank.

Usually when I tell people I get disability allowance they think I’m suddenly “rich” because the government gives me money every week. I get €220, which is $242. It’s really not that much in hindsight. Some people live off of this money and I think it’s so stupid how people accuse disabled people of being rich/spoiled because they get a small sum of money. €220 is NOT enough to live off of, and some of us are expected to. Also let’s not forget that when you finally get a job, the government lowers the amount of disability allowance that you receive, and disabled people tend to get paid less than able bodied people because of discrimination.

We absolutely CANNOT forget about the costs of things like AAC devices, life & health insurance, medication, therapy, etc etc. It all adds up. I am not saying that I am ungrateful to be getting weekly allowance, I am saying that it is incorrect and just kind of disrespectful to accuse autistic people of being spoiled because of this.

You might think: “Nobody says that.” they do. They 100% do. My own mother once said to me in a sarcastic way “It’s so hard being autistic isn’t it?” because I get disability allowance. Yeah mam… it’s so easy living in a society that pushes you to the side… /s.

Also, this goes for all disabilities, not just autism. Think about it before make a rude comment about a disabled person getting disability allowance. Honestly, if you DON’T need a weekly allowance from the government, you’re probably doing pretty well.

i couldve gotten the BEST video and BEST PHOTOS OF BORING IF I DIDNT START DYING OF HEATSTROKE IM SO SAD :(

the most cruel crime I performed against myself is to neglect making playlists with noninterpersonal songs. I'm so fuckings tired of everything. people are so ridiculously dull. I want sad songs that are self-centric, or achievement-centric. I want neutral songs that are about actually interesting things. I want positive songs that are just about hitting goals and enjoying activities. Why is everything about people, people are not everything in life.

I want someone to just launch themselves at me full force and wrap me in a hug bro. Beat me up with affection. TKO me with love. Squeeze the ever loving shit outta me idc. Fuck *slams two croissants together to emphasize my seriousness*

I’m still alive, unfortunately.

Suddenly feeling emotional about how shitty my birthday this year was. All my gifted money went to rent, I got "treated" to a free alcohol at the risk of having a seizure, and I was too worried about spending money and getting covid to go out. And I also kept telling all my RecRoom friends not to gift me because I'm too nice, and I ended up getting zero gifts at all from any of them. Literally why am I like this. My birthday was supposed to be the one day that I get to be genuinely happy. I didn't even get that this year.

It feels like I am wasting life, but I don't know what else am I supposed to do.

I feel… content where I am. Sure more money would be great, but with the amount of actual work I am doing it could have been worse. I am not seeking second job to fix it, I need lots of me time to not go crazy.

It's just that my every day goes the same. I don't hate it, but I grow wary that my life will just fly by as if I never actually lived it… But I can't come up with anything I would want to change or add.

I don't seek partner nor do I believe I can get along with anyone. So it stays in my dreams only.

I do not want children, I don't have enough patience and energy. I already have a pet to make me less lonely..

I don't like going outside, so no traveling or walks or cinema. I don't care for most material possessions, so no shopping.

My life feels dull and empty and monotone, yet there is nothing I would want to do to help with it. Nothing feels like something I would geniunely want.

All I have is my show obsessions when they come. That's all I spend my time on. Daydreaming, listening music, rewatching, reading fics, seeking art, discussing. I enjoy it. But that's all I have. All day, every day.

Am I this lazy to search for a way to help myself? Or am I just this passive. Something feels missing, but nothing actually fits to fill the hole. So I just keep existing like that.

I am at loss.

I AM FEELING VIOLENT

what is the point what is the point

WHAT IS THE POINT

what is the point of surviving knowing ill never get to live

my dreams are dead and they died in the capitalistic society that created them

ill never be happy! i want to die i dont want to do this anymore!