I’m scared of my body get me the fuck out of here

therapy yesterday (tw: health anxiety, specifically heart-related; contamination OCD)

so i probably have health anxiety. i've been having some physical symptoms which led me to get an electrocardiogram (ECG) and then a 24hr ECG - and of course i didn't have any symptoms during, only before and after 🙄- but i talked to my psych about how i get all obsessive over it (e.g. i get palpitations, i check what that could mean, i worry i'm having a heart attack, the anxiety causes the palpitations to get worse, the cycle continues). and turns out she wrote her masters thesis on heart-related health anxiety so literally the best person i could be talking to about this!

in typical health anxiety fashion i spent all of today researching health anxiety. i found a subreddit (r/HealthAnxiety) and reading their posts has been really helpful. i also found a workbook on health anxiety so i'll read that.

the thing to remember is that i'm still here. like... i've had many episodes of these heart symptoms and i'm not dead.

of course though, all the symptoms of a heart attack are the same as symptoms of anxiety & panic attacks. which makes it hard! but then the trick is to wait, as hard as that is. if you're really having a heart attack, your body knows. panic attacks are awful but they won't kill you.

if i had been assessed as a kid, i reckon i would've been diagnosed with OCD (and painfully obvious autism lol). i read Roald Dahl's autobiography when i was a kid and he wrote about having appendicitis which scared the shit out of me. obviously treatment and prognosis of appendicitis is way better in 2023 than it was in the early 1900s lol. but if i felt any amount of abdominal pain i'd be mentally running through the symptoms of appendicitis and freak myself out over it. (a small reason why i got a hysterectomy was so that i'd be 100% certain that i could never get a ruptured ovarian cyst, or endometriosis, or cervical cancer, etc.).

i was also obsessed with (and terrified of) natural disasters. i'd memorised all the cloud shapes and patterns and what they meant and i was always analysing the clouds to make sure a tornado wasn't about to happen (worth noting i live in a part of the world where tornadoes literally do not happen). or i'd see a mountain that was vaguely pointy and i'd be like, oh shit what if that's a volcano. or i'd be at the beach and be obsessively checking the sky and sea to make sure i'd be prepared if a tsunami were to happen (again, there's no volcanic activity here or tsunamis). bushfires do happen and can be pretty severe (our house came close to burning down a few times) and i still fixate on them during bushfire season but definitely not to the point i did as a kid.

i also went through a phase were i'd never be sure if i washed my hands after going to the loo, so i'd go back to the bathroom multiple times to wash them again. classic OCD there.

my psych and i theorise that these anxiety/OCD-like symptoms are the result of autism and trauma (as everything seems to be in my life lol). it makes sense - a little (undiagnosed) autistic kid in a chaotic, unstable environment hyperfixates on control and uncertainty (OCD)... and develops a fear of pain and death. an injury can be controlled, there's a process and uniformity to it (e.g. you cut your finger, so you wash it and get a bandaid, and over time it heals). an abusive environment is unpredictable and can't be controlled, so you focus on what you can control (and dissociate from the rest). once again, i have to wonder how much easier and better my life would be if it weren't for all the trauma lol...

It (2017, Andy Muschietti)

24/04/2024

ah, that silly silly hypochondriac crisis every 2-3 years

Being in the medical field and having health anxiety/hypochondria is a deadly combo.

LITERALLY.

Because Google who? I write my thesis on the topics that trigger me💀

It’s strange people don’t like how their bodies look. It’s strange we waste any of our time concerning ourselves with how our skin drapes over our bones or how fat cultivates.

– Emily R. Austin, Everyone in This Room Will Someday Be Dead

Do you have this ‘I want to check by brain, what if there is something wrong’ and ‘I am afraid to check my brain, what if there is something wrong’ at the same time too?

Being a hypochondriac in crisis really sucks

The last two months I've been suffering thanks to that. I got foot tendinitis thanks to place I was working at, and now I had this terrible pain in my feet and my legs, to the point I feel them pulsing with ache. The pain triggered my anxiety, thinking that "oh, my aunt who died of cancer felt pain like that before she was diagnosed". The anxiety got worse, and FUCKED my stomach, as I have gastritis, I can't drink coffee without feeling pain. Eating? Its been a disaster thanks to the gastritis.

ITS BEEN TWO MONTHS IM GOING INSANE!

Logically, I know the pain in my foot is the tendinitis, and the pain got me anxious, the anxiety triggered my gastritis. But boy... what a bitch health anxiety is. I can't control the thoughts, and the panic that comes with them.

Im so tired.

purchasing my silly little anime pins and playing my silly little otome games as i ride out one of the worst fucking hypochondriac episodes i've ever had in my life

the funniest most ironic thing is trying to find meds that work for your health anxiety but instead getting side effects that scare the living shit out of you

WHO has classified Hypochondriasis under the ICD-10 code F45. 21 which falls in the range - Mental, Behavioral and Neurodevelopmental disorders .

For More Details : 🌐 www.transorze.com ☎ +919495833319

It: Chapter Two (2019, Andy Muschietti)

21/04/2024

WHO has classified Hypochondriasis under the ICD-10 code F45. 21 which falls in the range - Mental, Behavioral and Neurodevelopmental disorders .

For More Details : 🌐 www.transorze.com ☎ +919495833319

I THINK I HAVE MONKEYPOX IM FREAKING OUT; I have severe illness anxiety and I literally never leave my house, have hardly left my house for almost 3 years now, since the pandemic started (though I had illness anxiety long before that.) I’m literally so careful ALL THE TIME. It’s so exhausting. And staying imprisoned in my house for 3 years has done huge amounts of damage to my psyche and health. And so I finally start dipping my toe in the water two weeks ago, finally went to a few stores and now this?? HOW??? I obsessively wash my hands and I’m so careful about the things I touch, I still wear a mask at all times and I avoid crowds like the plague (haha, get it?) I’m so terrified and what’s worse is that if it really is monkeypox, my OCD and illness anxiety are going to latch onto this as proof and evidence that the outside world is unsafe and impossible. I’m never going to know a day of peace or sanity again. I’m freaking the fuck out. Fuck. And monkeypox is supposed to be so painful; it can cause permanent scarring and most importantly BLINDNESS. I don’t want to go blind!! I already have tinnitus, I can’t depend on my hearing to substitute my vision if I lose it!! And so then we’re veering dangerously into suicide territory. I’m so stressed. My throat burns

Shout out to all my (doctors refuse to look closer at my very distressing symptoma because its just that one common thing you and 60% of the population have) homies hope your all actually getting treated and looked after.

Seriously though if your genuinely convinced somethings wrong go to a hospital or a clinic.

If a doctor refuses to look further than your skin thats the wrong doctor.

saints i fear i have been influenced

(you mentioned it like twice and it was on my to read list but really this is all your fault (affectionate))

REESE… this is so wonderful shdhdh. you must let me know what you think!! if anything you should read this and the veritaserum chapter from goblet of fire back-to-back. the bcj double feature.