#Always got a bunch of anxiety about all the late work i havent done and it just doesnt go away cuz i always just get more | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

weathergirl8 · 3 years

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Coping

@misssquidtracy suggested I try to do my daily updates like I used to when I was quarantined. I can't promise I'll do it every day or that they'll be any good but here's a start. Some days I'm open to talking and others are just too painful to put into words...

Soooo..... I made it through work today. The last 3 hours were ever incredibly trying. I am considered the senior teller/universal banker at my location due to almost 10 years of experience in the financial field. I'm the expert in IRA's, opening accounts, vault, banking policies. A bunch.... It's a blessing and a curse. I'm the one who my coworkers ALWAYS go to for questions. I'm the one they go to usually before the manager for almost anything. I'm the one who trains them. With covid we have a lot of newer bankers and tellers. Today it almost came to a head where it was just too much. I am one person and sometimes I easily forget it and so do other people. They get so used to me finding a solution when there normally isn't one. I think outside the box when needed. Today I was on the verge of a full blown anxiety attack. I could feel my heart rate getting out of control and my breathing going faster. I had paperwork from the tax plan account I opened before lunch to finish, vault responsibilities, run teller transactions as they came in through the drive-up (our lobbies are currently closed due to covid) and be readily accessible for our Lenders who are opening Payment Protection Plans "PPP" loans as covid relief for businesses. With the loans they are approving, a checking/business account has to be opened for those funds to go into. I was one out of three other bankers selected on the team.

Normally I'm a queen at multitasking, but clearly I am not firing on all cylinders. It was too much...

Someone came in for an appointment that we thought just needed to get into their safe deposit box. NOPE! The message was relayed incorrectly. They needed to open a NEW safe deposit box. Besides my manager, I am the only one with the knowledge to do that right now. The others aren't trained yet. Cue the attack....

It is unbelievably hard keeping up an act at work anymore. Not letting them know what's going on with me. How bad it is.... I handed it off to my manager with the excuse I was swarmed with other things. I supposed that wasn't a lie... I was. I cornered myself in the vault and composed myself.

I made it through the rest of my shift keeping busy and my coworkers and boss didn't say anything.

I came home and took care of my dog and started dinner and tried to decompress. I put a lemon pepper seasoned roast in the crockpot at lunch and made roasted potatoes and stuffing. I havent eaten much lately and figured I should get a healthy meal in for both my sake and the sake of my mother who shares the apartment with me. Who I also hide everything from because she refuses to go to the doctor but is undiagnosed depressed and puts her worries and thoughts on me. I suppose that's why the nights are the worst. It didn't hit me until I was typing this. When I'm in my room, it's the only time I can let the wall down and not have to act.

After about an hour of being home I finally got the courage to reach out to my old psychologist. I used to see her years ago when I was diagnosed severely depressed the first time in 2016. I haven't seen her since 2017.

I guess if one were looking for a sign this would be it. I've always been a woman of faith, but the last decade has really tested it and I've been struggling with that too.

I texted my psychologist and I half expected her not to answer. I had no idea if she was still practicing...

Below is the response I got:

She just randomly thought of me after 3 years at the same time I am literally struggling to stay alive?

I have no idea how to digest that information...

Unfortunately, the soonest she could see me is the 30th. So, I'm on my own until then.

I sit here dreading the rest of the night. The nights lately have been the worst when I need to sleep. When I finally fall asleep my dreams are anything but comforting.

I have school work I NEED to do. My assignments are due tomorrow at 8pm and I've only done one of them.

Deep breath, right?

#thunderfam #thunderfam sos #thunderbirds #thunderbirds are go #day to day #mental health struggles

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tinypigeonlord · 5 years

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Don’t mind me, just have had a lot of thoughts on the new Pokemon game so imma write them down. There’s been a lot of posts and videos on what people wanna see or don’t wanna see in the new game too and I wanna give my own two cents to no one in particular.

So first of all graphics. I hear a lot of shit on that. Personally I don’t really have all that many expectations? Like yeah it’s gonna be a Switch game, the quality could possibly be better than we’ve seen. But also did people look over that ‘game footage not final’? Things may still improve and be further optimized. More than that, I love the artstyle atleast? Everything looks so colorful and vibrant and alive and goooood ;w; It sure got my attention. I can’t wait to see all the new areas on my big tv <3

Pokemon popping up and roaming vs random encounters: On one hand I love how lively everything looks with pokemon showing up in the overworld, on the other hand I love the random encounters? I personally liked hunting down specific pokemon, not knowing what I would encounter. I feel like this is also more fun when you’re doing a Nuzlocke; You can’t ‘cheat’ and select a pokemon from those that are currently roaming with random encounters. Aside from that, people mentioned that the roaming aspect made areas look more vacant instead because a lot of open space is needed for bigger pokemon roaming. And finally, it makes the surprise way more fun if a shiny shows up in a random encounter, instead of roaming between the rest of the ‘mon?

Pokemon following you/walking with you: PLS PLS PLS bring this back and expand on it, for all pokemon. Also the option to select which partymember you want to walk with. That was one thing that bummed me out in HeartGold/SoulSilver. If I wanted to walk with my fave, I also needed to have it in the front of the party and throw it out in battle, even in areas where it was at a disadvantage due to type or level. And sometimes I had a pokemon in front for the sake of progression but I didnt necessarily want to walk with it, but there was no option to turn walking off in HG/SS. I believe they did add these options in Let’s Go Pikachu/Eevee, but I havent played these games so I don’t know for sure what the options are. I kinda also want to have the option to pick whether I will walk with a ride pokemon or actually ride it? Like, it was hella cool that you could ride arcanine, persian, haunter or snorlax, etc. But what if I wanted it to just follow me? :/ What I also want back is the national dex once you completed the main story. Let most of the pokemon which first appear be gen 8, and after you beat the main game, pokemon from other generations show up more and you can catch new pokemon that were previously unavailable. I hated how in SuMo, I couldnt see a pokemon’s national dex number, and couldnt get any data on it if it wasnt native to Alola.

Also this is gonna sound surprising coming from a shiny hunter, but I want the shiny charm to be a reward for filling the entire national dex again (minus mythicals/events), and make the shiny rate 1/8192 again instead of 1/4091. As much as I love my shinies, I kinda feel like they’re becoming a really common thing and way too easy to obtain? I do like there being methods to find shinies easier, such as Masuda breeding, chain-fishing, SOS-chaining, etc, but make it atleast a little bit harder than it currently is, to make all that effort worth it.

Compatibility with pokebank/the 3DS titles!! I want to transfer all my precious bbies I caught over the years to come join me in the next adventure. That would make it even more awesome if walking pokemon also returns; I can walk with my faves then, not just the pokemon available in Sword/Shield. Also Cloud compatibility. I know Nintendo is afraid of people abusing Cloud to edit save files and I can see them not adding cloud for Pokemon to prevent peeps from somehow cloning or editing pokemons, but on the other hand... Right now, I have ALL my rare, valuable pokemon stored on a Ultra Sun cartridge. Every super rare shiny legendary I spent MONTHS on to encounter, every event pokemon from events that will never happen again, and every pokemon that has nostalgic value to me. If that game cartridge breaks, they’re all gone. If Cloud storage would be a thing for pokemon, I’d have a lot less anxiety about gathering all my babies on a single game with the risk of losing ALL OF THEM. Besides, I pay for online service and cloud, and thusfar havent been able to use the feature for my games :/

And definitely compatibility with pro controller. I really do not like the feel of the joycons, nor the pokeball plus, especially not after playing for a few hours, so I’m really hoping we’ll be able to use the pro controller. Considering we seem to be getting the old battle system back instead of Let’s Go’s, I don’t see why they shouldn’t add pro controller compatibility. Besides, I spent a lot of money on this thing, lemme use it >:v

Customization. The new trainers look absolutely adorable, but being able to make your trainer fit your style more is still great and makes things more personal. On one hand I’d love even more options for customization than in SuMo, on the other hand I fear I will never even get anywhere cause I’ll be spending hours mixing and matching outfits :’D I am not at all fashionable irl, but my characters in games have to look tip top. Most importantly, I want gender-neutral stuff!! As in, the option to wear clothes or hairstyles regardless of the gender you picked at the beginning. Give me a girl and the female pronouns, but the option to get the haircut that the boys get and that flannel he wears. For example.

Minigames! Not everyone is a fan of them, but personally I love things like Contests, PokeAthlon, the Underground, Missions in the Festival Plaza, etc. Especially multiplayer stuff. Give me other stuff to do besides battling. And on that note give me fun multiplayer features; besides trading and battling! The feature where you can call for another trainer in Let’s Go seemed fun to me. Being able to connect with other players and joining them in your game to do stuff together. Like how you can invite people to your town in Animal Crossing, go to the island and take on island challenges from Tortimer.

Story-wise, it would be great to have a big long story, also post-game, which doesn’t end too soon, but with the option to skip cutscenes if you so please, and more importantly, have the freedom to also explore. In Sun/Moon, you were constantly forced to go to a very specific location, everything else was blocked, and you had a cutscene every new area. Like, it was all very linear. I love the older games in that regard, where there is a story, but you figure out yourself how to progress without NPCs constantly telling you where to go and what to do. I always have this issue where after I’m done with the story, I’m kind of... lost on what to do next, so personally I love a long story to keep me busy. Give me a serious threat for the antagonists. Team Skull was lovely and I enjoyed their antics, but I want to feel like I’m saving the Galar region or even bigger, rather than just stomping on some bullies, PETA (Plasma) or fashion disasters (Flare). Also gimme an asshole rival. Lately we’ve had a bunch of precious bbies who must be protected, now bring back a rival who deserves an asswhooping and had it coming. :v As for the new gyms with gym masters instead of leaders, I have no opinion yet. I like the good ol’ themed gyms, I liked the trials. The arena thing looks pretty neat thusfar, but there’s not enough info yet for me to have much of an opinion now. I heard a rumor that this game will also have missions you can do to earn rewards & brownie points, and that would be really cool. I always really love missions in RPGs. I’m just hoping that there will be like, a combination of one-time missions AND daily missions so you don’t run out of things to do eventually after completing a whole list.

I’m also hoping that any potential mythical pokemon will come in the form of missions. The whole serial codes giveaways suck. Just entering a code for some random delivery man to appear in the pokemon center, just casually handing you a super rare mythical pokemon like it’s nothing is just bs. Give me new story, sidequests or missions DLC for a mythical pokemon instead. Like Celebi in Crystal + HG/SS, Mew in Emerald, Shaymin and Darkrai in Platinum, and then expand the missions even more. Pokemon Ranger actually did this really well; you had to go on a mission involving the pokemon before you got it.

Finally, maybe a difficulty setting. People always complain that the games are too easy and that you have to use self-imposed rules such as Nuzlockes to make it remotely challenging. Maybe add a normal or easy mode for young kids just getting into the games, including tutorials such as the trainer school so they can get used to how everything works. Make a harder setting for veterans who like the games to have some challenge but are still in it for the story, and a Very Hard/Ultimate mode for competitive players who know every in and out of the game and are looking for a challenge where you really have to balance your team out and know what you’re doing to progress, and for people who can’t care less about the story elements of the games.

#shutup pigeon lord #Pokemon blarghings

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mental-health-advice · 6 years

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Submission from Blue Girl

(Tag with blue girl) I’ve been having a really hard time mentally. I got my first job ever about two weeks ago. I had to do it because I need to sponsor my parents so they can get their u.s. green card and I need to be making a certain amount of money yearly.

But I’m so mentally exhausted. I basically work alone most of the time at my job and I have to do sooo much work and most of the time I’m working 8 hour shifts. And the worst part is that I’m not properly trained to my job so most of the time I just lost and it’s frustrating. My manager seems to not like me I think. I mean i don’t like her.

But anyways, my anxiety has been horrible lately. I’m anxious all the time, i have trouble sleeping. I stopped going to therapy a while ago (voluntarily but not the best choice). And I have no one to talk to about things. I feel like I’m going to explode. I’m so stressed. I planned on going to college. And I decided to take a gap year last year but now I don’t know if should wait another year because I don’t think I can handle it. I suffer from depression and anxiety and I can feel myself slipping back to old habits. I’m 2 and a half year self harm free but I found myself ready to hurt myself the other day. I havent had that urge in so long and you have no idea how shitty it felt knowing that I’m slipping back into my bad habits. I don’t want to. But I can’t quit because I need this job to help my parents. I don’t want them to get deported. I have a little sister and I can’t imagine having to be separated from them. They mean the whole world to me but I just feel so overwhelmed. My parents never asked me to get a job but I know it had to be done to help them.

I feel like my world is just crashing down. I never thought that it’d be easy but this is so much harder than I thought it’d be. I just don’t know what to do. People always say to put your mental health first but I have to think about my family. I can’t just quit. But what else can I do? I’ve tried meditating but that hasn’t really helped. I’ve thought of seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist again but that’s time consuming. Time I can use to spend at home because I’m tired all the time. But I think about my anxiety and it’s never been this bad. I don’t know how to cope! Would medication even work? You can never really know.

It’s times like these when I just want to be a little girl again and not have to worry about these types of things. I feel so alone with my thoughts and it’s not doing me any good. I’ve tried distracting myself in different ways but it’s just repressing the feelings. What I want is to be able to tone them down and not have to repress them. But I suppose that won’t happen unless my mind magically decides to stop torturing me, or I go on medication or something?

I hate my job, but I have to deal with it. It just makes me sad that I think about killing my self everyday. But I know that I can’t do it because I have to help my parents. I can’t do that to them. I have to think of my little sister too. She’d lose them if they got deported. I’m just tired. I didn’t mean for this to get this long but I guess that just shows how much is I haven’t been able to get out, yet there’s still so much more I’d like to just get out.

Hi darling,

I’m so sorry to hear that things have been so hard for you! I can imagine that you don’t feel like you can quit this job as it can have really serious consequences if you don’t make enough money. Two weeks is a very short time since starting a job and those first few weeks at a job can be so tough! Especially if you haven’t been trained very well. Sometimes it clears up after a while when you get used to the job more and you know a bit better what you need to do during shifts and aren’t so lost anymore, but sometimes it continues to be as hard. I truly hope that it’s gotten a bit better for you and that it feels more doable now.

It’s absolutely amazing that you’ve been self-harm free for two and a half years! It’s understandable that during tough times the urges to self-harm come back a bit, but you’ve beat them once before and you can totally beat them again! When struggling with urges to harm yourself, it can really help to use alternatives. Depending on the underlying reason behind the urge, different alternatives can be helpful. For example, if the urge comes forward from some need to feel pain, you could get a bunch of ice cubes and hold those to where you feel like harming yourself. The extreme cold gives a similar sensation and it can help reduce the urge. We have a page listing a lot of alternatives, a video with physical alternatives and a video with emotional alternatives. Distractions can be of great help too, as these keep you busy until the urges pass naturally. We have a page and a video with those as well. Last but not least, you need to feel enough motivation to fight against the urges. It can help to compile a list with reasons not to harm yourself, so that when you feel a bit short of this motivation you can look through the list. We have a page with reasons not to harm yourself as well that you can use for inspiration for your own personal list.

You’re right however that distractions are a way of repressing your feelings. Personally I sometimes feel like this is necessary to cope, as I don’t always have a way of dealing with my feelings well. So even though in an ideal situation I wouldn’t be using distractions, at some times it’s a better alternative than facing my feelings and then not being able to handle them so resorting to self-destructive behaviour. If the same applies to you then it’s perfectly fine to resort to distractions sometimes!

It’s more than okay if you feel like you need another year (or more) before going to college! There’s no pressure whatsoever, regardless of what you might hear around you. It’s so worth it to focus on getting better mentally first before going to college. It’s entirely your decision, no one elses!

I think medication would indeed be a good option for you! In advance you won’t know whether the medication you start with will help you. It definitely is worth trying out though. It might take some trial and error to find one that works for you, as everyone is different. Sometimes it’s only a matter of changing the dose, sometimes you need to switch to another medication to see if that one works. Besides medication I also think it would be good to get back to therapy. While it indeed takes up time, you can decide for yourself how often you would like to go. That way you have more control over how much time it takes up. And while it does take up time, time that you’d prefer to use resting, eventually this time spent is going to help you manage everything a bit better, so that in the future you will have more energy after working. So I’d really strongly recommend you to get back into therapy! You don’t have to do this all by yourself lovely <3

We have an anxiety page series that you might like to check out. There could be some helpful tips on there that can make it slightly easier for you as well.

Last but not least, maybe it would be good to look into other jobs? The job you have right now is so exhausting for you and perhaps there are jobs that would be a bit less exhausting! If you can replace your current job with a less exhausting job, you are still earning enough money but you can manage everything a bit better. I hope this helped!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful <3 Love Pauline

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elftwink · 6 years

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im not gonna have time tomorrow but the last like two years ive been trying to think of the good things that happened in the year and writing them down and im just gonna post it here bc we’re trying to be positive people and thats the vibe. under a cut bc its long and obnoxious but heres my personal Good Things list

i figured out i was gay :o and i got comfortable calling myself gay and i still like Have Doubts or whatever but i think those r the regular doubts we all get and not questioning doubts. anyway i love being gay

i got a bunch of writing done and i think improved as a writer. step 2 is learn how to FUCKING edit dljkhjsj

i’m one step closer to top surgery!!!!

i actually do think i started being a more positive person. like im still Fuckt Up by my anxiety and adhd (specifically rsd) rsd and also im just a sad angry person a lot of the time but ive gotten much better at removing myself from situations and not internalizing things and being constructive w/my feelings.

i can make baller playlists and thats a fact

i love using this face :o and it makes me feel happy. :o :o

i took up all the hobbies i wanted to be good at in a chill way. like i draw and im not freaked out abt being good i just Do It. i can play like 3 chords on a ukulele but i have fun

i saw wtnv live this past feb w/one of my best friends!!!! it was really good except i made a heartfelt post before i saw it about realizing Who I Am and i said i was a bisexual trans man and then like a month later finally admitted i wasnt bi jksdhjgshkjhjg which sort of takes away from the point to other ppl i think but. its good.

this website is bad but my mutuals, specifically my lgbt+ mutuals are very very good ily

uni is really hard work but i actually do love going like a lot

also my friends emma and taylor who you dont know but who i wanted to mention by name because they both mean a lot to me and its always kinda weird bc we were never friends in high school?? but i love them both so much and im so glad i got to know them better

also we’re mentioning ppl by name ig my longtime best friends holly and hannah who i havent seen as much of but whom i love anyway

it was foggy at my school when i left late at night one time and no one was around while i walked outside and ive never felt so at peace

thats all i can think of right now which doesnt seem like much tbh but. 2017 was wild lol so can u blame me

#good idea generator

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tumblunni · 7 years

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Tagged by @branch-chief--faba!

RULES: answer the questions and tag 15 blogs you want to know better.

Nicknames: Bunni, Dan (irl)

Star Sign: Libra

Height: I dont think ive measured my height since i was a teenager, but around 5′6″ or 5′7″ or something? average height i guess

Time Right Now: 15:45

Last thing I Googled: “Endellion” cos its the username someone had in a game or something that was on my dash, and i wanted to know what the name means cos its cool. Apparantly its the name of a saint?

Last Movie I Watched: rewatching Finding Dory and CRYING AGAIN

Last TV Show I watched: Black Butler Book Of Circus, and before that it was ERASED/The Town Without Me. My picky side is so frustrated that the dub changed a cool name into something generic as hell :P

When did I create this blog: cant really remember, is tehre any way to find out? a fair few years I think, i cant recall if it was just after i ran away from home or just before?

Why I choose my URL: I’m bad at remembering stuff so I tend to use the same username and same password everywhere. (Tho spelling the password differently just in case. But cos bad memory i end up having to roll thru every single spelling every time I log in XD) Bunni89 was just the first username I had as a nine year old and it stuck. I wanted to be Bunny cos... it was the name of my plush rabbit doll. And my fave animal in general. I’m not very creative! And then the ‘lets spell it internet speak’ bit and the random number was just to try and find a version of bunny that wasnt already taken. Then I’ve just used that username for the next 15 years and its stuck so much that its even kinda my irl nickname now! Aaaand then just tumblunni because puns.

Gender: agender/nonbinary

Hogwards House: Slytherin cos i always feel sorry for anyone generically written off as a villain for stupid reasons, hufflepuff is probably more likely cos i have no special traits except being huggable.

Pokemon Team: I try and have a different one each generation, like Ash. But i still keep all my previous teams pride of place in a special box in each game and I love doing postgame stuff and minigames with them. I get really attatched to my mons! I’m so guilty feeling that I lost two mons from my unova playthrough during the transfer bck and forth from friends’s games back when i didnt have a DS for a few years. my poor samurott and leavanny... :( Anyway, my current team in sun and moon is primarina, mimikyu, goloisipod, alola raichu, alola muk and lurantis! I wanted to have a drampa but i bought sun by accident instead of moon. And I also really like mareanie and that mossy anchor pokemon but they were so impossible to find that i only got them late in the postgame. I actually fished up an anchor friend myself but i had to trade for a mareanie :P

Favourite Colour: blue! and just the general aesthetic of black and white with one bright colour highlighting small details. thats a cool!

Lucky Number: 74 is my favourite number!

Favourite Character: TRESH GROMP GROOMPLE GRIMPLES GREMPY GROO y’all know who it be, i am not able to be silent about my faves aaaaand I have a bunch of other obscure minor character villain faves in other fandoms too, and just generally i am lame

Number of Blankets: Two, and a sleeping bag sometimes cos weather is so cold lately. We had like one unbearably hot day and then straight back to ice!

Name: Dan

Birthday: October 12th

Siblings: A half sister I havent seen in a decade... i hope she’s okay...

Favorite Smell: I have a really bad sense of smell and generally i can only smell really strong bad smell,s alas. Tho i do think gasoline smells nice and thats such an EVIL TRAP cos its all deadly gross fumes n stuff!

Pets: Had a cat, rabbit, fish and hamster as a kid, but havent had another pet for years. i really wanna someday be able to take care of one on my own!

Wake Up: consistancy is for the weak

Sleep: see previous question

Type of phone: i have no idea what this phone is, i dont know anything about phones. its some super cheap super bad touchscreen thingie i got in a christmas sale for twenty bucks

Love or Lust: aromantic asexual here giving a big ol shrug at this question

Lemonade or Tea: Lemonade. I am the worst brit, i hate tea XD

Cats or Dogs: Cats

Coke or Pepsi: Coke

Day or Night: Night

Text or Call: Text

Make up or natural: no makeup aaaa its a sticky face prison

Met a Celebrity: nope

Smile or Eyes: ??? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN. how can you compare the two. im just imagining someone smiling and their mouth is full of eyes. WHY DID YOU INSERT THIS IMAGE INTO MY BRAINMEATS

Light or Dark Hair: having dark hair is annoying when you wanna dye it, so i’ll go with light hair just for the practicality   Shorter or Taller: oh was all this meant to be about what you find sexy in someone instead of yourself?? cos im average height and i already answered that...   Intelligence or Attraction: wait this is a question about what you find most attractive so how does that make sense. unless it isnt...?? thing you most want to be: intelligence or sexyness? well i want everything except sexyness so there u go.   Chapstick or Lipstick: havent used either in over a decade   City or Country: both have their own good and bad points, ive had different social anxieties living in both :P   Last Song Heard: this cool amv for a movie i love pointless fact: it was legit made by the same director and animation team as the first digimon movie, its like the version of the script he wished he could have done as its own property. he also made wolf children!

Fruit or Vegetables: Froooooot

Anime or Cartoons: I like both in different ways. Mostly I just like a certain sort of story/art style/character lineup/etc and i like it no matter which genre it appears in. And i tend to really like the stuff that takes inspiration from both genres cos it seems they’re more likely to have that sort of stuff! Combining all the goodness!   Phone Case: wait you can buy cases for phones??   Showers or Baths: showers are conveinient, baths are lazy. depends on how bad my day has been!   Dream Job: i dont have any dreams really, im a weirdo. ive never been able to find one. at best i flip through a few current hobbies and have a vague idea that it could be fun to be paid for doing them, but its never a really huge interest and i never try and work towards it cos i know im flaky and ive changed my mind a million times before. I hope someday i can find something that just clicks and i wanna do it forever!

Milk and Cookies or Doughnuts and Coffee: WAIT YOU EAT DONUTS WITH COFFEE?? WHY?? donuts are already soggy! thats weird! milk n cookies forever yo. or donuts on their own, but donuts are too sugary for me, i can never eat more than one without feeling sick.

#bunni original vintage post

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foreveregyptian · 7 years

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DO ALL OF THE AESTHETIC ASKS (but not the ones you're uncomfortable answering)

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

last monday in the gameroom a little louder than i should have

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

any moment i’ve spent with people whose company i enjoy

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

I would increase my voluntary salah, make some more dua, probably pray my salah with other people instead of alone, and go back to jumuah (i havent been going and i miss it). overall increase my rememberance of Allah

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

things id like to accomplish in this life inshaallah (based on first thing that comes to mind)

-memorize the Quran

-get married

-travel with my future husband everywhere (inshaallah inshaallah)

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

my mom honestly. sometimes we go on little adventures (thrift stores, short walks, cafes, or even grocery shopping) and she gets excited over the cutest things like teacups and stuff and she works so hard for her business and she balances so much on top of her normal responsibilities mashaallah shes such a great role model may Allah protect her and reward her for everything she does ameen

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

I would say my childhood was average, there were a few times where ive gone through rough patches but theyve made me who i am today and I’m thankful for that.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

a couple nights ago in front of my mom, i got overwhelmed with a bunch of things that stressed me out and she knew something was up and she asked about it so i kind of cried a bit.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

my future husband (inshaallah). I dont know why, but it just seems that it should be him. stargazing seems like a really peaceful activity that requires comfortable quiet and that was the first thing that came to mind.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

not really.... considering the fact i’m kind of awkward at first meeting people.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

with maryam, shes one of my best friends and im thankful for her

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

To anyone in the room, my shahaada (bearing witness that there is no God worthy of worship except Allah and that Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him is His servant and Messenger)

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

They’re calming to look into!

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

Its a verse from the Quran that I feel like has affected my life alot, from surah Hashr ayah 59, the translation being “And be not like those who forgot Allah, so He made them forget themselves. Those are the defiantly disobedient.” along with surah Ra’d ayah 28, “Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest”. Lately ive been feeling alot of anxiety for issues of this dunya, and at the same time i have to be honest but I wasnt 100% with remembering Allah. I was doing it, but it wasnt with the best intentions, and I’m trying to fix it. Alhamdulillah my chest is a bit lighter and I feel calmer, as if my heart is at more ease than it was before, subhanallah.

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

probably donate it to my community school, they really need the money for repairs.

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

I didnt used to be. I used to hold grudges for a long time until i realized it wasnt healthy and also it wasnt good. and then i was forgiving to people who had harmed me, but if anyone did anything to my friends i would stay mad at them even when my friends had forgiven them (at this point i was like okay tasneem chill). now i can say (alhamdulillah) that i have an okay level of forgiveness (better than what i used to have before).

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

Dont worry about what other people think about you because none of it matters in the end. You are beautiful. You will go through fake friends and one sided friendships and they will leave but you will find gems that will help you grow as a person and will be there for you and call you out on your mistakes for your sake so grit your teeth a bit more and ride it out, verily with hardship comes ease. drill that in your mind, repeat it, because you will go through so much difficulty and emptiness but none of it is in vain. You did not go to umd like you wanted but youre much happier here alhamdulillah and you’ll see why.

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

pastel! definetly pastel

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

I’ve been exposed to cultures where nose piercings are normal, and i have my ears pierced. for myself i wouldnt want to go past either of those but people are free to pierce whatever they want. Tattoos mehhhhhh i wont judge anyone who has them but theyre not allowed in Islam. personally i prefer henna.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

i wear whatever im in the mood/energy for on each given day, but if its a big even i do a full face (what i consider full face is foundation/concealer and my eyes/eyebrows, plus occasional highlight) I dont have time in my routine for eyeshadow or learning how to do it. On class days that i do wear it it’ll range from fresh face to eyebrows and eyeliner+mascara.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

Donald Trump, you are the shittiest human being in the world. (not changing this)

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

(has not been to a concert)

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

red bc its cool

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

zaynub, maryam, hibaaq, afraah, and raneem and maybe somewhere in dc or an art museum or a city with cafes OH YEAH A CAT CAFE

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

i saw this fanart of a hijabi airbender and it was so freaking cool i wanted to do a costume party and do a hijabified avatar character bc thats sick as heck

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

lol the most high ive been was at the dentist office off of laughing gas and my limbs were falling off the chair and i was laughing my head off

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

kill someone

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

i’d rather only listen to one song because i love the people i surround myself with and i cant choose just one.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

for me it was kind of heart painful. my heart would miss the person a bit after they passed by and it would go on for months... wishing for another way to see them even if its just a few seconds, the feeling that you’ve met before and wish to meet again, and after a long time when you think you’re over them, they show up and it all starts over.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

i’ve been told id look good in short hair and ive always wanted to try it?

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

honestly my drinks vary but i usually like eating the turkey egg white sandwich. not even myself bc i never know what i want from there *nervous sweats*

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

making it to Paradise via pleasing Allah (SWT)

#personal #ask #14phbitch

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cryptid-anarchist · 7 years

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self hatred rant. i really need to get this out somehow, i want help but i cant turn anywhere right now

i really hate myself sometimes. how i am. i had a great fucking day today, but then it just occurred to me how much i really suck. no matter how hard i keep trying, i cant get past parts of how i am, mostly caused by my autism or depression. sometimes anxiety. ive realized recently that i cant follow through on shit, ive been joking lately that im a “jack of all trades, a master of none!” but thats because i cant fucking commit. i couldnt even ever properly be suicidal, i always chickened out, or i was afraid of inconveniencing people depending on the method.

the person i love the most is a person who would have gotten through life fine without me but if i hadnt met him i probably wouldnt be alive right now, i was falling so fucking far at that time i was probably a week away from doing what everyone here does to kill themselves without drugs. i dont know if he realizes he has helped me that much but he knows he’s helped me change. and sometimes im angry with him because he gave me gifts that came with trust, if i ever hurt myself the way i used to then that would be a betrayal of the trust he gave me with the pocket knives. i dont know if he did that on purpose, hes a bit of a redneck with a knife collection and he knows i found a bunch of them cool looking. but sometimes it feels like him giving me a few (one for valentines day, one for christmas, one for my birthday, and one he helped me pick out that i bought) was like saying “i know you dont trust people, so these can keep you a little safe. as long as you know i trust that you wont hurt yourself”. im angry about it but at the same time i know that the meaning i projected onto that has helped keep me safe.

i even got pet snakes because of him. if it werent for him, i wouldnt have done so. but i got them because i knew i needed another crutch. i feel so selfish about that. i do everything i can to make sure they have a good life. i provide for them. and i enjoy interacting with them. they cheer me up. so simple minded, they cant understand human existential crisis. while its true they cant love me the way a human defines love, im honored to have their trust. and i stay alive because im afraid if i cant be around for them, they’ll end up not being taken care of well. 3 of them are actually rescues that i took in because after my boyfriend nursed them, he needed to clear up space so i took them in. dad was pissed about it, he didnt expect any more after the one.

and my dad has a new wife. im happy for him. and shes way better and easier to talk to than his previous wife. as im adopted, im not related to any one of my family. they always spoke about how great my mom was. i hated her, and she hated me. she always put on an act of caring a little about me in front of the rest of the house. she fucked me up so badly. and her funeral shocked me. i couldnt believe a woman like her, as she presented herself to me, would have such a large funeral. i knew she let her stress out at me, but i was angry that it was ONLY me. all those people were upset that she died. if she didnt die that april i was ready to kill myself that may.then months passed, and i had a few bumpy encounters with potential romantic partners, but then i met my boyfriend.

i feel really bad that he found me in such a wrecked state. but also grateful he stuck around so long. ive been building myself back up as a person lately. expanding my interests, and becoming a more outgoing person. learning to stand up for myself too. but i really, really wonder if its all worth it or not. i wonder if it was a mistake to keep going this long. because now im afraid of dying, because ive been working so hard. i dont want to let it all go to waste, but im afraid its going to go to waste even if i try hard. like everything else has.

i dont knwo how to let out this stress. if i betray his trust, ill feel even worse. ive been in a total art funk, so i keep getting more stressed by that. and i dont want to waste my brain away with more manga or anime right now, because i feel like im hiding from my problems. im still afraid to talk to my stepmom about this any more than passive comments, and my dad is fucking terrible with serious talks to the point i dont think i’ll ever approach him with this again. my one true friend is visiting family, and my boyfriend is also visiting family states away for a few weeks. drinking is out the window, last tiem i drank while upset i had some scratches in my self harm zones. my snakes are either in shed or havent stopped fasting, so its unwise for me to handle them. my dog even walks away from me when im too sad to move.

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