Dakota Johnson

50 Shades of Pure Unadulterated Garbage

Collaboration memes with @ratcatchinggirl, featuring select lines from the 50 Shades series. Someone actually was paid big bucks to write these lines, folks. Gah, I have a migraine, now...

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horny jail isn’t enough for these two they need to go to horny prison. horny ninth circle of hell

WHICH 2010s TOXIC RELATIONSHIP ARE YOU?

WEREWOLF

- makes jokes about domestic violence and his addiction to beer, but his criminal report shows too much charges caused by bar fights for a person who isn't constantly drunk

- has anger issues, is jealous and has a huge pathological insecurity that makes him sniff your body to detect some other “male” smell on you

- lives in a caravan in the woods with a bunch of other buffy dudes that he calls "his pack", but swears it isn't gay (dude is a bit homophobic)

- will pee on your mat to assert dominance and your neighbor's dog will hate his guts

- Will develop a crush for your friend's newborn daughter

BILLIONAIRE

- At the first date says unironically that you two must sign a pre-nup, because he has already 5 ex-wives and 7 children to support

- Will make a scene if you come at the date with a dress that doesn't match with his tie

- His house is white and minimal and has a weird smell of chemicals, like an hospital

- Gots nervous when you try to open the fridge, like he is hiding some corpse in it (yes, he is)

- He is a serial killer and a professional stalker, actually he followed you for days, placed a spy device on your car and hacked your phone to learn * everything * about you, even before you would be able to notice his existence

Why is it always about Him?

So either you got a crush on a character someone created or on the old style of Stephenie Meyer and even more recently Deborah Harkness, you write fiction to self insert yourself.

50 shades of grey was born as Twilight fanfic and its main audience was... Mums on their 30s , 40s and over.

Why? Simplistically for the same reason I reckon Stephenie Meyer wrote twilight at all: to escape somehow the frustration of living within the very strict confines of housewifeship, with a husband and 3 boys, in a Mormon contest. I mean who wouldn't lock themselves away to dream about someone powerful and wealthy to whisk them up and save them from that kind of life? I get it.

But why in every story that wants *HIM* to notice either the empty vessel protagonist in which you can pour yourself ( hello Mary Sue) or actually *you* given all the fanfic X reader or OC that really is potential reader, the point remains to describe... Him?

I mean, self insert right? Deborah Harkness with A Discovery of Witches is very blatant about it and I actually resent we didn't get a curvy Diana cast in the TV show. Even when the point is that she is writing herself as Diana to be the chosen one... She spends pages and pages going into minute detail about the "He", in this case Matthew, but you'd think she'd spend just as much if not more over Diana because... Well... This entire thing exists to elevate her, no? This entire thing you write exists to make *you* feel special and chosen... And even if it has to be left as generic enough for people to pour themselves into the aforementioned vessel... Why does it seem every Bella, every Diana, every Suki, every Elena... Don't get the treatment their male counterparts do? If Stephenie Meyer locked herself out of her entire cast ensemble's minds because she wrote from Bella's point of view, Deborah Harkness isn't shy about changing depending on the chapter, from the *I*s of Diana to the Third Singular Person who accidentally can also let transpire other character's thoughts. Cool, I'll take it.

Yet why do we have almost 4 pages of drooling over the first time we see Matthew and yet, special as we want to feel as Diana, nothing of the sort is given? Not really.

Same with Loki fanfictions of every flavour, shape, size.

Why do we want to be special but cannot spell out why and casually, all these characters are just innately special, no merit or work recognised?

And then it hit me: most of these stories are written by white, relatively comfortable, bored women. The main target audience for patriarchy objectification, who have basically been told from birth their value is intrinsically connected to their existence (read beauty) and unquestionable because the standard of culture aka Whiteness.

Put othering markers on them (fatness is the first that can be so quickly connected to its racist roots) and the frustration of not getting the Prince from Beauty and the Beast after they have done all culture told them they should (usually husband and children, with luck a degree that gets put second to the first 2) leaves them with this energy that has basically created fandoms, but still unable to vocalise why they are special other than existing (because whiteness as an idea born in the 1600s was supposed to become the birth lottery ticket where by doing nothing but being born white you were better than who was not).

And so we spend pages over pages getting flushed over the minutiae of male characters or even other female characters but not themselves, and the amazing reason why they will be chosen and loved will be intrinsic, something they had from birth and could not chose, let alone work for: for Diana is the magic, for Bella the blood who sings exactly Edward's tune, for Suki the blood as well but at least we try to go the fairy explanation, for Elena she's literally a doppleganget of Catherine.

Why has it never occurred to any of them to spend that time in the brain of their male character singing the praises of not only who they are but who they have become and grown to be?

Hey btw, I'm still working on my podcast too! I just recently released my first movie special (which also happens to be the first time I've had guests on the pod!). I, along with Austin of the Andalite Bandits podcast, and my girlfriend and prodomme Kiki, get increasingly drunk and dismayed as we comment on the 50 Shades of Grey movie.

Find Curdled Ink wherever you get your podcasts!

Empire Now is SUCH a 50 shades song… HOZIER I SEE THE MAN THAT YOU ARE

Anyone interested in roleplaying DAMIE or CHRISTIAN/ANA?

Remember when 50 Shades of Grey came out, and all the seasoned lemon fanfiction authors were bashing the hell out of it? Had me dead. Like honestly what the hell was that? 😂😂😂

horrible news everyone! the phrase “fair point well made” has apparently invaded my vocabulary. what’s the problem with that, you may ask? well the problem is I picked that up from 50 SHADES OF GREY

Feed Me Romance's Origin Story

This past Christmas, I was giddy with delight when I was gifted a grocery bag full of romance novels. We're talking full on 1980's mass-market paperback novels with Fabio on the cover and slightly suggestive titles. GIDDY, I tell you.

I posted a picture of my gift onto the socials, and I was immediately flooded with all kinds of friends talking about the first time they got their hands on a romance novel. Almost every person talked about their grandma, which warmed my heart.

My sweet Grandma Lorraine was the first one to introduce me to romance novels. Lorraine loved herself a Danielle Steel novel. She'd re-check the same ones out of the library and read them over and over again, waiting for a new one to be released every six months or so. I always tried to suggest other book or authors, but Lorraine resisted. "I like the steamy parts!" she once confided in me. The first Danielle Steel I got my hands on was No Greater Love, which was catnip to eleven year old girls, because it was about the Titanic. This was well before Jack and Rose, but the Titanic has always belonged to middle and high school girls for some elusive reason.

No Greater Love was my gateway novel. In between Stephen King novels (it was the 90's. No one cared enough to police children's reading), I'd pick up Star or Daddy, or Kaleidoscope. The fact I can still remember the names of these books, but can't remember when my kid needs to go to the dentist should tell you something. I loved these books because the women were always stunningly beautiful, men couldn't stop staring at them, and despite a brief and predictable hardship, these women usually went on to live happily ever after. To a skinny kid with big glasses and pants that never fit right, I couldn't wait to become a woman men couldn't stop staring at. Spoiler: it never happened. But that's okay, I've survived being the snarky girl men can't stop laughing with.

But that's why we read these books! When 50 Shades of Grey first came out, I was a tired mom and wife, grinding in an unfulfilling job that required me to visit at least one jail or state correctional facility a week. I hated my life. I escaped into 50 Shades dreaming about how amazing it would be to have a man take care of all my life decisions: everything from my clothes to my car to my career. A man like Christian Grey sounded like an absolute dream. Now, at forty-three if I were to meet a man like Christian, I'd take out a TRO. Bitch, leave me alone and let me live my life!! But sometimes those books hit us at the right time and provide just the right level of fantasy. It's all about the fantasy and the escape.

Several months have gone by, and the bag of books has a layer of dust on it. Last night I plucked the first book out of the bag, and I'm reading it. This will be the place I review these ridiculous books (as well as some contemporary favorites), and create a community for romance readers (closet or not). So hit the follow button, and stay tuned for some cheesy escape.

I've been slacking on keeping up with my podcast lately, but I'm back at it! Episode 34 of Curdled Ink, examining chapter 7 of 50 Shades Darker, is now available wherever you get your podcasts