OSRR: 3517
i embroidered some more today while also having dealt with a bunch of crises.
please observe what i spent my time on yesterday and today.
i love them a lot.
i have one more kit to do and i think i'll be good. the roses today were fun to do. i know how to do leaves now.
joel is out and because the weather has been terrible he will likely just be back tomorrow. i am saddened by his absence. but not about the absence of cold feet on my legs. my feet are cold enough.
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remy freakin birthday‼️
^^^THIS Thank you Speed my buddy Speed
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OSRR: 3350
today is my birthday!
i turned 31 this morning at 8:20am.
according to tradition, i took that minute to screech as i am allowed my annual birthday screech during the minute i was born. i am very proud of the static noise i made that confused the absolute shit out of my coworkers.
when i got into work this morning, meredith surprised me with my starbucks order and a cake pop 🥹 she's such a sweetheart and she's so kind and fun and i just adore her. i want to keep her as my daughter. at the end of the shift, artemisa brought me a gift in the form of a fancy notebook and a bag of kit kats, without having the knowledge that i hoard notebooks AND that i love kit kats. the girl is psychic. she needs to give herself more credit.
i just adore the both of them. so much.
so many people wished me a happy birthday! it was so nice. i have also partly gotten past the hesitancy of telling people it's my birthday, so maybe next year i'll be able to tell people "hey! it's my birthday!" wouldn't that be fun??? it's kind of cool.
i like birthdays.
they're here to remind us of our humanity and our growth from day to day, month to month, year to year. 21-year-old me had no clue what this would feel like. had no idea what having my depression under control was like. had no idea that i had, never mind could be treated for, adhd. had no idea i was autistic. had no idea i wasn't a girl all the time. had no idea the depth of the trauma she had and had no idea the joy that comes with recovery. the pride that comes with overcoming issues inside despite external forces.
31-year-old me is far different. she knows what all of that is like. she knows what unconditional love actually is. she can stand up for herself and others. can make jokes and not be afraid to be herself. is comfortable being only autistic and not masking in places where she doesn't have to. is in a secure relationship with someone who loves her for who she is, not for what she can do for them. has friends who are the same. has another place to call "home" where she doesn't have to worry about "overstaying her welcome," as linda would put it. is happy to have a place where people like her. takes on responsibilities because she knows her limits. finished not one, not two, but three degrees. got a big girl job in the city that she loves. is working through trauma and mental blocks and works daily on getting through them. doesn't sleep enough, but is more excited to go to work than she ever has been before.
31-year-old me is happy.
and that's saying a lot.
when i started keeping track nine years ago (HOLY SHIT), i didn't know any of that. i didn't know what any of that felt like. but those of you who have been here or those who had read any of these posts know that the journey to get to this point has been riddled with pain and suffering. but every time something happens, i don't let it beat me. i keep getting up. i keep moving forward. i straighten my spine and stand up tall, and 8 keep going.
resiliency and confidence like that have been very hard lessons for me to learn. i've always been soft hearted. thin-skinned, too. a pushover. someone who was easy to take advantage of.
but now, if you ask my coworkers and my bosses, you'll see a portrait of a very different person who is confident and competent in everything she does. i stand up for what i need and what others need. i have gotten better at thinking on my feet and rapidly synthesizing solutions. it's good for my job. but it's good for my mental health, too.
as i make my way another year into my fourth decade here on this planet that is catching on fire, i can be confident knowing that i'll be even more different in another ten years, so much so that despite looking the same since i was 14, i will be a much different person.
and yes, i have looked the same since i was 14, except for changes in hair and glasses. face shape, smile, crinkles, details, all of them. copy and paste.
(no wonder i get asked if i'm old enough to drink all the time.)
anyway, i'm happy. it's been a good day. i love my coworkers. i love joel's friend. i love joel's family. and i love joel so much. i love my friends, and i'm grateful for those who have helped me find community here.
i love you guys. i'm tired. it's time for bed.
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