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dameronology · 4 years

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questioning {natasha romanoff x wlw reader}

summary: natasha had always been able to appreciate women. once she meets you, it becomes clear why {for @stephanieromanoff - for some reason i can’t answer your ask but i hope u enjoy this}

warnings; probably swearing?? and mentions of the usual mcu canon typical violence

this is actually my first natasha imagine on this blog which is...wild. because - and i’m sure many people relate - she was my bisexual awakening and i still would let her top me. enjoyy!

-jazz

Sexuality was fluid - Natasha knew that.

She’d just never considered her sexuality to be fluid.

It was funny, really. Natasha had witnessed many forms of beauty in her time as a SHIELD agent; beautiful men, beautiful women, beautiful people. She could appreciate a good-looking human when she saw one but it never extended beyond admiration. Most of her Red Room training had been centred around seducing men. Her friends had always set her up with men. It wasn’t so much that she’d rejected the idea of anything other than heterosexuality but she’d always just kind of...assumed.

Besides, it wasn’t like Natasha’d ever even been in a position where she’d been close enough to a woman (or anyone, for that matter) to ever consider them in a romantic way. Her job didn’t allow for it - not unless the person she was with was also in her line of work. And, with all due respect to her colleagues, she knew them far, far too well to ever consider the notion of dating one of them.

Life has a funny way of working out though, doesn’t it?

You were dropped into Natasha’s lap when she least expected it. It was a cold, rainy Monday afternoon and she was in the staff room at the Compound with Steve. They were sat in comfortable silence, scrolling through their phones. The peace was disrupted by the sound of a crash, followed by a string of curse words.

‘What the...’ Steve stood up, approaching the hallway outside.

That was the first Nat saw you: with coffee halt spilt down yourself, your bag strewn across the floor and cheeks bright red. It was quite on brand, really.

‘I am so sorry!’ You dropped to your knees, quickly scrambling to pick the papers up. ‘I was too busy trying to find my office and I went straight into the door frame.’

The first thing Natasha noted was that you were pretty. Not pretty like the girls she’d seen in windows in Amsterdam, or pretty like the slender models she’d seen in London. You were...sparky. Talkative, and bright. There was an energy about you that she was yet to see in anyone else.

You were terrifying too. Not a single person at SHIELD had witnessed someone telling a dad joke whilst throttling a man twice their size, but there was a first time for everything.

At first, Natasha was convinced that her feelings towards you were simply admiration...for a friend. Because you were friends, right? It was hard not to become close to someone when you spent every second of every day with them. She never thought much of it, though - you were also close with Steve, Sam, Wanda and Bucky. Nothing about your relationship with Nat was different from your others.

There were a few notable exceptions on her part. She could tolerate you more than anyone else - and that was just the way she worded it in her head, to convince herself that it didn’t mean anything. In actuality, she found herself seeking you out, trying to spend to time with you. She’d do paperwork in your office until the small hours of the morning, and she’d bring you coffee when you both returned to work a few hours later. Natasha had never had a best friend before and it felt good.

‘Do you ever think about relationships in our line of work?’

You looked up from your paperwork, glancing over at Nat. She was sat across from you at your desk, the dim glow of your spotlight illuminating her face. It wasn’t unusual for her to bring up deep subjects when it was late (in this, case it was 1AM). You ponded for a moment, tapping your pen against the edge of your desk.

‘Sometimes.’ You said. ‘I mean...I wasn’t an Avenger until five months ago, give or take. If I did get into one now, I imagine it would be much more complicated than when I was normal.’

‘You are normal.’ Nat reached across the desk to whack your shoulder, smiling to herself. ‘At least by Avenger standards.’

You chuckled. ‘Honestly, I barely have time to think about relationships now, let alone get into one. My ex-girlfriend asked me if I wanted to grab a coffee and the earliest date I could do was in four months.’

That was the first time Natasha realised that whatever chemistry and easiness was between you, it could have been something more than friends. The sound of the word girlfriend coming out your mouth? It...well, it made her mind go places. No-where drastic, or revealing. It just made her think; the idea of you casually referring to her as your girlfriend in conversation gave her butterflies.

And Natasha Romanoff did not get butterflies. At least not until now. Not until you.

‘How did you know that you liked girls?’ She asked. It was a casual question - one you’d been asked plenty of times.

‘I just knew.’ You shrugged. ‘It’s not the same for everyone, though. Sometimes it takes meeting the right person.’

That was the statement that got Natasha thinking. She’d never even considered the idea of liking girls, not until you’d come along.

She couldn’t help but let herself day dream - it was a guilty please, in a sense. What would life be like if you were together? What would it be like to call you her girlfriend? To live with you? Natasha was so vehemently against the idea of domesticity...but with you? Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad. She didn’t even realise how (for lack of a better word) gay her thoughts were. And when she did? It hit her like a train.

Natasha had dealt with a lot in her life - aliens, nazis, gods, genocidal robots, evil super spies. It made the situation seem so mundane; she’d become so exceptionally aware of her mortality that things like questioning her sexuality or pondering on her attraction for her best friend just seemed like a waste of time. She’d always been fearless, after all. It had kind of been forced into her nature at the Red Room, and even more so after becoming an Avenger.

It was during another late night conversation that Nat realised her feelings might have been deeper than she realised. She knew that she liked you in a way that ran far deeper than just being best friends; it was just the extent that she was unsure of, and she didn’t want to make a move until she understood it properly. It was like being on a mission really: do some recon, get a better gauge of what’s going on and make a move.

She hadn’t expected it - it had been nine words. One completely casual sentence. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just a conversation.

‘I saw a TikTok that reminded me of you.’

It was in that moment that Natasha realised, whilst staring at you across your desk with wide-eyes, that she was in love with you. It was a brand new (and not entirely surprising) discovery but it didn’t feel like a shock. The feelings had always been there - it was just the sudden comprehension of them that came as a revelation.

It didn’t have to be complicated. Missions to Russia to take out HYDRA bases were complicated. Teaching Steve and Bucky how to use an iPhone was complicated. This was....well, it was simple, wasn’t it? She loved you. And maybe, just maybe, you loved her too.

Aside from the fact you were just friends, you might as well have been a couple already. You ordered take out together every night and ate it together on the sofa. You drove to work together, and you had a thousand and one inside jokes. The foundations were there but neither of you had ever been all that good at architecture.

‘It reminded you of me?’ Natasha quickly regained her posture, offering you her signature smirk. ‘I didn’t realise you thought of me outside of work.’

‘Nat.’ You snorted. ‘We hang out after work every night.’

‘I know, I just...’ She trailed off.

‘You just what?’

‘We should get dinner tonight.’ Nat cleared her throat.

‘Wasn’t that the plan?’ You raised an eyebrow at her.

‘No, I mean...dinner.’ She sat up a little straighter (ironic). ‘Like a date.’

‘Are you asking me out?’

‘Yeah. Why?’

‘I...’ it was your turn to be a little speechless. ‘Yeah, okay. Let’s do it.’

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff imagine #natasha romanoff fic #natasha x reader #natasha imagine #black widow x reader #black widow imagine #avengers x reader #avengers imagine #avengers fluff #avengers smut #avenegers preferences #marvel x reader #marvel imagine #marvel fluff

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watchmakermori · 3 years

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every time the ‘bi lesbian’ discourse pops up I just get a massive headache because like. I can understand exactly where the controversy comes from, and I do get that it can be problematic to assume the two labels can coexist. but on the other hand, I’m just deeply wary of any attempt to police who exactly can use labels and under what circumstances, bc it feels so out of touch with how messy attraction can be in the real world

like, a lot of people understandably object to the idea that a lesbian could ever, in any shape or form, be attracted to a man. and that’s true from one perspective, but I feel like it so often tips into ‘gold star lesbian’ rhetoric that just...doesn’t really have any nuance?? attraction is complicated. it can legitimately be so hard to tell whether you are attracted to someone or not, because the thresholds are different for everyone. what counts as attraction? kissing someone, or wanting to kiss them, or just not minding kissing them? finding someone aesthetically pleasing? getting some degree of pleasure from having sex with them?

I just think sometimes we lose sight of the fact that labels can’t always mean the same thing to everyone. if a woman had multiple with relationships with men for the first part of her life, and then totally lost interest in them and only wanted to be with women, that woman might label herself in a different way depending on her outlook. maybe she’d call herself a lesbian, because she only wants to be with women now. maybe she’d call herself bisexual, because her relationships with men still happened and felt important. maybe neither label would feel comfortable, so she’d want to use a combination of the two, or no label at all

another reason I think this discussion needs nuance is bc of the complexities surrounding gender identity. most people I come across do accept that lesbians can be attracted to non binary people, but being non binary is a spectrum that can also include masculinity. some people are non binary and men. if a lesbian marries a gender fluid person who is sometimes a man, are they no longer allowed to call themselves a lesbian? there’s already a huge problem with enforcing androgyny on non binary people. the whole thing is really complicated, because people are really complicated

i can understand why the label bi lesbian is problematic. there are lots of labels that make me uncomfortable - I dislike hetroflexible, or bi-curious. it tires me when a big celebrity who used to call themselves bisexual later decides they are gay or straight the moment they have a steady, monogamous relationship, because it perpetuates the idea of ‘picking a side’. but that’s my perpective. I cannot see into other people’s heads. I might think certain labels are harmful or inaccurate, but imposing my own labels on other people is also deeply harmful. after a certain point, you have to give people the benefit of the doubt. we are chasing the sun if we ever expect sexualities to be standardised and clean cut

so yeah like. i get it. I get the discourse, and I had a knee-jerk reaction the first time I came across it. but I think a lot of the discussions around bi lesbians are conducted in very bad faith. finding a label that sits comfortably is a lot harder for some people than others

#miscellaneous #i'm not tagging this with anything because i'm not about to get in an argument with anyone #generally just whenever I see 'this tiny minority of people who use uncommon labels are the enemy of the queer community' i get suspicious #it reminds me of people who blame ppl who use neo pronouns for transphobia or people who blame pansexuals for biphobia

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super-nowa-art · 3 years

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i got angry. and when i get angry, i rant. and when i rant, i need to share the rant with the void of social media, just to have an outlet.

if you don't agree with me, i don't care. not looking for discourse.

i watched this video, for context. literally no one cares but idk

https://youtu.be/5uaJ1XyRwrU

Ok this is about to be long so bear with me.

To begin with, why are we still gatekeeping? It's 2020. Queers should stick together instead of debating who's identity is "valid" or not. Let people be who they want to be.

Also, I don't know what your views on trans people are (think you've made videos with trans folk so I'm guessing you're not intentionally being transphobic), but the preferred pronoun law is actually meant to PROTECT trans people. Which is fucking needed. In 2020 alone there have been at least 36 people killed in the US for being trans. There are probably a lot more, considering murdered trans people often get misgendered by the cops and the statistics don't include them. World wide, more than 3000 trans folk have been murdered for being trans in the last 11 years. And again, there's surely a lot more we don't know about.

The preferred pronoun law that you mock is life saving. It keeps trans people from being outed where it would be dangerous to be outed. Most trans people are killed by someone they know. Yes, the law is there to provide an encitement to use trans folk's correct pronouns because it can induce extreme dysphoria to be misgendered, but more importantly, it's there so a trans person's coworker or boss is less likely to mis-gender them and out them.

And the part where you said you can get a fine for misgendering when you make an honest mistake; no, you can't. At least, that's not what the law is for. The law is for repeated misgendering, demanding license or medical proof that you are biologically the gender you identify as, etc.

As you may have already guessed by my passion for this topic, I am myself trans. Non-binary, to be precise.

Now, I know that we as humans love to label things. I love to label things. I love labeling myself! I like knowing other people's labels! When someone identifies as merely "queer", I get this itchy feeling of: "yeah, but what ARE you?"

I get wanting to label things. What I do NOT get is aggresively stating that someone's identity is invalid. Identifying as simply "queer" is fine! If that's what you resonate with, go for it! Does it irk me that I don't know what that means exactly for you? Yes. Does my inherent need to categorise people start shouting for attention? Absolutely. But it's their identity, and that's cool! It is really none of my business, as long as I know what pronouns to use.

Now, I understand the confusion and anger around this. Before I came out as or even knew I was non-binary, I identified as a lesbian. Love being a lesbian! It's great! I really identified with that term, and I still do.

But then I realised I was trans, and thought hey, I'm not a woman, can I still label myself as a lesbian? Should I just say I identify as "attracted to women"? Say I'm gynosexual and confuse everyone including myself?

I went with just calling myself a lesbian, because that is the term I've used about myself for years. When you said that this word is very important to some people, you were right. Where you were wrong, however, was when you implied that it isn't hugely important to us, too.

Because here's the thing: gender and sex are not the same thing, and more importantly, gender and what pronouns you prefer are not always directly correlated. I know this might confuse you. That's totally fine! I'm confused about everything almost all the time, I feel you! But it is how many trans people feel. I get this tingly awesome feeling when someone refers to me as he/him, because I want to be percieved as masculine. I don't feel like a man, but I want to be seen as masculine or androgynous. I use they/them pronouns, because it's easier than explaining that sometimes I want to be called him, but sometimes not, and basically explain my entire gender to someone.

I understand this feels threatening. It feels like someone is taking away your identity that means so much to you, and that you might have endured a lot of hardship for having.

But remember, us trans people have gone through shit, too. I don't mean to in any way compare the two struggles. I don't want to sit here and say "we have it worse", because really, it doesn't really matter. What matters is this: I get misgendered every day. When you're a binary trans, you can pass for being cis and automatically be called what you want. That will never happen for me. Unless someone asks me my pronouns (which is the best, try it), they are going to assume I'm a female. And I don't blame them! I see boobs, I think girl, too.

Now, imagine you have struggled with figuring out yourself for a long time, and you finally, finally find what you are. What you identify with. And then someone says that you can't identify as that, because you don't fit the mould. News flash, I never fit the mould anywhere, ever! The one place I have always felt safe and happy is within the queer community. And that's why gatekeeping fucks me up so much. Because people like me, who have been the weirdo all their life, hating their body and not knowing why, being confused and scared, not daring to come out, not wanting to draw attention to myself, finally find a place to belong. And then you get shut down. It feels awful.

Explaining that gender and pronouns don't have a direct correlation is hard. Because you can't really explain it. It's just a statement. Like: gender and sex aren't the same thing, but even harder, since it's based on experiences and not the fact that is: trans people excist.

Now, I know that this might have been focused more on cis women who use the pronouns he/him. And yes, like you said, pronouns do indeed give a big indication on what gender identity someone has. But it doesn't HAVE to. They might have a weird or bad relationship with their femininity for various reasons, or they might just feel like a woman but not identify with the female pronouns.

For example, I have a gender I know what my feels like. But I can't explain it for the life of me. Try explaining your gender in detail! It's a lot harder than you think, and it gets even harder to explain when the words aren't even invented.

A he/him lesbian is not a man trying to make fun of your identity, I promise. It's someone who either doesn't have any other word to use (like me), feels a strong connection to the word and associated identity (also me), or a woman who doesn't want to be labeled as she/her for various reasons, but who is attracted to other women. We are not here to shit on your identity! Please don't shi on ours!

I know that probably no one will read this absolute monster of a comment, and that's ok. I got so upset I actually teared up a little bit, so I felt like I had to express myself or I would be thinking about it indefinitely.

Please, if anyone's reading: be respectful. Understand that understanding others is hella difficult, but we have to try, and that both gender and sexuality is very fluid and complicated.

I tried to be as respectful as possible, please have the same courtesy if you intend to commt on my comment, so to speak.

Sad but hopeful lesbian signing off!

#lgbt #lgbtq+#lgbtq community #pronouns #trans #nonbinary #enby #enby lesbian #he him lesbian

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cookiedoei · 3 years

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(Spelling and grammar mistakes)

HONESTLY IGNORE THIS ITS JUST ME WORKING THROUGH THINGS xx

SECOND AND LAST WARNING THIS IS ONE LONG TANGENT LIKE MAKES NO SENSE, ILL PRBS JUST COME BWCK HEFE WHEN IK HAVING A GENDER OR SEXUALITY CRISIS

ALSO THIS IS ONLY HOW I PERCEIVE AND EXPRESS MY OWN FEMININITY, MASCULINITY AND ANDROGYNY EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT, THIS IS JUST ME FINDING OUT HOW I WOULD LIKE TO EXPRESS THEM x

Not me NOW feeling dysphoric over a name I literally chose to feel more feminine, like... 😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐 I'm so confused?????? Also same thing with pronouns I was like yep she/her they/them but now I feel like people only refer to my using them because they see it as a formality like I've literally been told I'm "playing dress up".

Idc if I'm making sence or if anyone reads I kinda just wanna write and sort stuff out here, I'veposted like only twice anyway so idc.

They/they great perfect love them

She/ her why are you using them for me? As in not in a angry way like if you're using it because you think it's a valid set of pronouns, want to switch stuff up ext... 😳 honestly love you, like frfr

He/him wow, so here we are. It's funny as a child I was never viewed as a girl or boy but that's mostly due to varying factors that I don't feel comfortable listing atm. I love them but only if (this is going to get really complicated)

The person viewes me as as person who doesn't fit into the binary but doesn't identify as non-binary (🙃 idk I rlly don't) , and doesn't view me as "male enby" or a "gentle'them" (I don't like either term when referring 2 me) more just like a person who completely has NOTHING 2 DO WITH THE SOCIAL CONSTRUCTION OF GENDER, LIKE I REALLY AM NOT APART OF IT SO LEAVE ME OUT OF IT?!

If so then then I love them as much as they/them and 😚🖤 thank u for using the set

Like I understand that when i dress I either dress hyperfem or andrognous but IWHIWIFVWIFHWIDHD idk I rlly don't know.

Like at this point the only reason I'm trynna look (not dress more like with makeup) androgynous is because I feel like its the only way I can wear certain clothes that I love without being perceived as a certain thing?

AND IF THATS NOT ENOUGH...

For a period of time I identified as a girl and I liked girls so I idetified as a lesbian. Great cool.

Then I was like nope "I'm defo a boy but I don't like girls anymore I kinda like boy- nope" and I convinced myself I was just exploring since I'm still young but not even in a self hatred way more a, hold on sexuality is fluid but we should figure out ur gender? Idek

(Now i realize I'm abrosexual )

Damn writing this helped I feel like I want to use

He/him and they/they pronouns (like I thougt did) but sometimes I like she/her like when I'm dressed more femme.

I want to present masculine in terms of my features that are considered "masculine" like keep them or enhance them (like flat chest, sharp jawline, abs...-the ones i barely have-) but continue to wear more feminine clothing and (hopefully I can feel more comfortable in wearing feminine clothing and stop caring how people view me) and then also keep my (kinda) gender neutral wolf cut so that all together my look will look more of what I see for MYSELF, NOBODY ELSE JUST HOW I WANT TO PRESENT as androgynous or how I feel comfortable expressing my take on androgyny.

Sexuality yeah I'm abro

When I feel like nothing (because I dont feel connected to gender ) but a girl - girls and nbs

When I feel like nothing (because I dont feel connected to gender ) but a boy - boys and nbs

When I feel like nothing - all genders

Masculine terms - handsome, king, ect I love them all 🖤

Feminine terms- on very few days I'll like them but I'LL ALWAYS LOVE "pretty" especially if it's "pretty boy" 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳 THE EUPHORIA HONESTLY IF I COULD NAME MY GENDER IT WOUKD BE PRETTY BOY BUT NOT RLLY A BOY ISTG WHDJEUDV.🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

Gender neutral - LOVE THEM MONARCH, ATTRACTIVE, BEAUTIFUL EXT...🖤🖤🖤

🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳 ahhh I feel rlly happy

#shouting into the void #sorry for the rant #rant over

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little-bard · 4 years

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So I have this idea for gender fluid in the witcher universe. So humor me if you will.

So I’ve seen the idea floated around the community how there could easily be trans people because they could just do the same thing as Yennefer. But obviously, you give up fertility to live in the body you should have been born with. I was thinking traditional non-binary could do it to appear more androgynous if that’s what they wanted as well. But then I started thinking of myself. I’m technically non-binary but I’m gender fluid. And sometimes I want to present highly masc but can’t because of my body but I would also be depressed if I couldn’t present femme anymore on the days where I felt that way.

So here’s my fantasy solution. You can go through the same spell but it’s ever-changing. Whereas Yen’s is a permanent appearance change this is one that changes with your true inner self. You obviously give up being fertile but I’m not sure if it would require more yet. It would obviously mean no casual sex as you don’t want the man you just bedded as a woman to wake up next to a man. Or reverse. And it would be hard to maintain friends because you could have two lives almost but once you maneuver telling the people you’re close to I think it would kinda be like a superpower? Like you can be a wanted criminal as a man and a queen as a woman. I also don’t imagine there being a lot of people who would be gender fluid in the universe. So it’s odd and many people don’t even know it exists. I think I would write a binary gender-fluid character with male and female. But they could be any genders. And it’s not like shapeshifting (I mean kinda but also no?) like strictly still their race and usually still similar looking.

I kinda have an original character in mind, obviously friends with Jaskier because I feel like the little bard draws special people to him. Maybe an Ex-lover? No definitely because Jaskier is bi/pan as heck and being able to love one person who’s both man and women and amazing and sweet. And ATTRACTIVE that’s amazing! Also, this person probably felt the most comfortable letting their pent up sexual energy out with the man Because let’s be honest, Jaskier is a sweetheart and treats them exactly the same no matter if they feel like a different gender in the morning. (Also they’re both huge sluts and enjoy the same things sexually.) And that’s exactly what they needed, someone who cared about them and understand they were one person, just someone who experienced 2 genders and needed to be both to be happy and fulfilled. But they realized they weren’t right for each other and remained best friends.

I imagine them meeting the gang in a female form. Short and curvy, long flowing wavy brown hair a beautiful dress and a soft almost doll-like face all tied together by their piercing green eyes. Jaskier sees them at a random event at court and invites them to travel with the crew to the next town as they’re all heading that way. At first, they’re weary but they agree, as it’s Jaskier there’s no way he would travel with anyone unaccepting of who they were.

Geralt is almost jealous when they arrive to begin the journey with their own horse (a bigger bag too. Normally one person didn’t need that much) and even lets Jaskier ride with them. Jaskier begins playing his lute and singing a song that Geralt isn’t familiar with but they certainly are, as they sing along to his song bird-like voice with a soft and beautiful voice of their own. At camp later too, the two were inseparable. Geralt tried to not stare at them. Jaskier had always been a flirt and could get any person in bed if he wanted to. But it was the familiar feeling between the two that put Geralt on edge. Nobody but him was supposed to those soft smiles on Jaskiers lip or having Jaskier sing them songs only they knew. Geralt felt the Magic on them but he and yen agreed that it was just like the spell on her. Appearance-based nothing more. The two old friends put their bedrolls basically on top of each other and Geralt often heard a small giggle from either one of them throughout the night. He kept his eyes looking up at the sky as to not know if his bard was bedding another.

In the morning Geralt stared shocked, as where there once was a small woman the night before there stood a tall buff man maybe even two inches taller than him. The man had on a simple tunic and leather pants, his hair was longer then Geralt’s and brown and wavy but was pulled up in a bun, he was broad-shouldered but still seemed to have a clumsy air about him, most importantly, he had green piercing eyes. Jaskier was basically hanging off the mans arm as he begged for the man to make him breakfast. All the man did was let out a low deep chuckle. Geralt forced a cough and that alerted the pair to his presence.

“Jaskier.” Geralt basically growled. He was demanding an explanation but the bard was busy trying to shove a pan into the taller person’s hands.

“You didn’t tell them?” The man said as fear ran through his eyes. “Jaskier!” They said in a deep roar. “You always do this”

“I didn’t think it was any of there business Cass! Who you are shouldn’t be that much of a big deal.” Jaskier responded. Geralt was almost hurt that he was being ignored but at least they weren’t being close like before. Somehow them fighting calmed him. “Also I don’t always do this.”

“Oh yeah? What about that time you basically demanded we have a threesome with that warrior woman? We bedded her as two men. You remember how you promised me, you would make sure I got to our room that night before the morning in case I wasn’t the same and it put our lives in danger? You know I get sleepy after sex! But you wanted another round so you let me fall asleep then and then you did after. Remember her reaction when she woke up and a woman was curled into her side? She almost killed us for ‘tricking’ her!” This statement did not calm Geralt. Especially coming from the beefy man in front of him. Jaskier definitely had a type. By now yen was awake and listening intently. It’s almost as if you could see the popcorn in her hand. Both of them were slowly piecing, where the women had disappeared to, together though.

“I thought you liked when I demanded you. You know you could have always said no. I only did that because of both of our enjoyment.” Jaskier genuinely looked worried and stepped closer to the other person before him, resting a soft hand on their arm.

“Jask, you know it’s not that. I did enjoy it...” they suddenly got quiet, becoming more aware of the others around them. “...can we not discuss my sexual desires in front of a witcher and a sorceress, please? I was saying you normally forget how hard it is for people to understand who I am. Not everyone is you Jaskier. Some people like a heads up that the women they met yesterday is now a man who looks like he weight lifts 3 cows every morning.”

“I know I’m sorry. I just forgot it’s not normal. You’re one of the most important people in my life, I just assumed others would judge you on character, not gender.” Jaskier apologized in a soft voice.

“It’s fine. I know you don’t mean harm.” They smiled and picked up Jaskier for a strong hug. Jaskier let out a giggle and hugged them back.

Geralt coughed letting them know of his presence once more. The taller person pulled away from the hug with a deep blush.

“Oh, I guess I’ll formally introduce myself as Jaskier didn’t. I’m Cass. Born Lady Cassandra. Jask likes to joke it’s actually short for Casanova. I have a similar spell as Yennefer if what Jaskier tells me and what I know about sorceresses is true. But mine is a bit more complicated. I don’t feel one gender or the other. I feel both but normally at different times. I settled mine with changing each day based on how my true self felt when the sun rises.” They extend their hand for Geralt to shake. He grabs it hesitantly.

“So your Jaskiers lover?” Yennefer asks bluntly.

“Ex-lover. No need to fear dear sorceress, I’m very much free for the taking.” They said with a chuckle and wink. “Me and Jask work much better at friends. So you need not worry either Witcher! I promise to not lay an ill-intentioned finger on your little bard. But if you don’t soon someone will. I mean unless you're not into small boys, if that’s that case I’ll over myself then” They laughed and it was deep and jolly. It felt like it could shake the whole forest.

“Cass!” Jaskier lept back into the conversation and slapped the other. “Stop flirting with my friends. They’ll start to like you more than me. Go make breakfast, Geralt always burns it.” He shoved the pan at them while pushing them to the fire.

OKAY IM STOPPING THERE.

Basically, I needed to get this out of my system to focus on actual fics. But it was really cute in my head. I hope you enjoyed 💕

#geralt #geralt of rivia #the witcher #geralt x jaskier #jaskier #cute #gender #genderfluid #the witcher netflix #jaskier x geralt #geraskier #yennefer of vengerberg #yenneferthewitcher #oc #littlebardfic #fanfic #fanfiction #writing

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scottybrock · 4 years

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Cool - Tara Yummy

A/N: Requested by a lovely anon: “fic where tara has never questioned her sexuality, she had never even considered being with a girl despite having multiple opportunities, then she meets a very openly, flamboyantly gay reader and although she’s trying to convince herself she doesn’t like you in that way her body and her emotions are strongly disagreeing with her. “I’m 19 and I’ve never once been remotely attracted to a girl sexually. why the fuck would that change now? why ONLY her?””

Tara never questioned her sexuality.

Until she met you.

However, she was befuddled. Not about why she liked you, because you were the most beautiful person she’d ever seen in her entire life. Your smile could melt icebergs, and your sunny personality could melt even the coldest of hearts. Not only were you beautiful, but you were everything she never knew she needed in a partner. You were funny, but you were never mean about it. You were sweet and kind and so fucking nice, but you weren’t a pushover. You were honest and unashamedly yourself.

From the very instant she met you, she knew within .5 seconds of meeting you for the first time, that you were gay. Why? Because you loudly, and quite proudly announced it. It made Colby’s shoulders slump in disappointment, but it made her heart flutter, and she didn’t know why. She’d never been into girls before. She’d had plenty of opportunities to hook up with girls before, but she was never interested. She believed that she was completely, utterly straight. Until she met you.

You were an enigma. You were complicated, but at the same time, so uncomplicated it was scary. Tara fell for you, and she wasn’t exactly sure how she did. Again, nothing against you; she just thought she was straight. She knew that sexuality was a spectrum, and that it was super fluid, but she was so confused. For fuck’s sake, you’d come into her life and turned everything upside down. She was straight, and now, because of you, she wasn’t. She didn’t even know if she could call herself bisexual, because she wasn’t attracted to any other girl, except for you. She was you-sexual.

“What up, I’m Tara,” She murmured to her reflection. “I’m nineteen, and I don’t know what the fuck my sexuality is,” She sighed, dropping back down onto her bed. As if summoned by magic, a knock sounded at her door. “Come in,” She called. You walked into the room, flashing her a lazy grin. “What’s up, Tee?” You asked. You kicked off your shoes and dropped onto the bed next to her. She offered you a weak smile. You tilted your head at her, your brows furrowing in concern. “You okay, Tee?” You asked, your voice soft and sweet. Tara sighed, flopping onto her back. “Honestly?” She asked rhetorically. “I have no fuckin’ idea.” You hummed thoughtfully. “Wanna talk about it?” You offered.

Tara sat up, her eyes never leaving your face. “I…” She trailed off, sighing. Wanting to lighten the mood, you tapped her on the leg, a bright smile filling your face. “Hey Tee,” You stage-whispered. A small smile curled the corners of her lips. “What?” She asked, raising an eyebrow at you. You sighed internally. ‘She’s straight, she’s straight, she’s straight!’ You chanted to yourself. ‘Abort mission! Do not fall in love with straight girl!’

You leaned in closer. You swore that her gaze flickered to your lips briefly, before drifting back to your eyes. “I’m like,” You continued stage-whispering. “So gay, dude.” You expected her to laugh, but her face fell. She sighed, leaning back onto her elbows. “Me too,” She replied. Your eyes widened, and your jaw hung open. “Wha-?” You spluttered, but she continued.

“The thing is, I never thought about being with a girl until I met you,” She blurted. “Like, I’ve never been attracted to a girl, until I met you.” Her voice rose in desperation. “And I don’t understand it, I don’t understand what’s going on, because I’ve never liked a girl before, and now I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with yo-”

You cut her off by pressing your lips to hers. Her lips were soft and sweet beneath yours; warm and pliable. She leaned into you, her fingers tangling in your hair. She tugged lightly, sighing happily into the kiss. When you pulled back, her eyes were dark, her eyelids hooded. “Wow,” She breathed. You nodded, breathless yourself. “Yeah.” You agreed. Tara reached over to brush some hair that had fallen into your face away, smiling softly at you. The two of you sat in contemplative silence for a few minutes, then, you turned to Tara.

“Hey, Tee?” You asked, your voice soft. Tara tilted her head at you. You fought back a smile; she looked like an adorable puppy when she looked at you like that. “What if,” You paused, your voice hesitant. “What if we figured this out together?” Tara’s eyes widened, her mouth falling open slightly. You continued on. “Because I think I’m falling in love with you too, and sexuality is a fluid thing, and if you’ve never been attracted to another girl, that’s fine because-”

It was Tara’s turn to cut you off by pressing her lips to yours, her lips just and soft and sweet as the first time you felt them against your own. When she pulled back, she smiled shyly at you. Her hand found yours, and you intertwined your fingers with hers, smiling back at her just as shyly. “I’d like that,” Tara’s voice was soft. She cleared her throat, giving your hand a gentle squeeze. “To figure out shit with you, I mean.”

You laughed softly at her phrasing, delighting in the way her eyes lit up at the sound. “Cool,” You replied. You pulled Tara into your arms, wrapping your arms around her waist. She relaxed against you, her head resting on your shoulder. “Yeah,” She agreed, her smile never wavering. “Cool.”

#tara yummy fanfic #tara yummy #tara yummy x reader #tara x reader #xplr #traphouse #fuck i'm gay leave me alone!!!

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ettadunham · 5 years

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A Buffy rewatch 5x19 Tough Love

aka you are not immune to… internalized bi erasure?

Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And in today’s episode Tara’s not perfect and gets her mind sucked out for it, we kick off the season’s multi-episode finale arc by revealing Dawn to Glory, and we draw some weird parallels between two of our dynamics. Perhaps mostly though, I’ll just talk about Willow’s sexuality, because at some point, we need to properly address that elephant in the room.

Okay, so, let’s just kick this off. If you’ve been in this fandom long enough, you’ve been inevitably exposed to the discourse of Willow’s sexuality. And you might be asking now… what’s the big deal anyway? Isn’t art up to interpretation? Wasn’t that one of my main motivations for this rewatch? Why does it matter that parts of the audience ascribe different labels to Willow?

And well… that’s valid, but it also misses a crucial element of our media, one that I alluded to in my rant about Whedon character deaths. Art doesn’t happen in a vacuum. And the significance of that is only amplified for folks and groups whose experiences aren’t recognized or seen by society in the first place.

To them it will matter whether or not someone recognizes a character by a certain label. Because a refusal to do so feels like an erasure of their own identities. That’s what makes this whole discussion complicated in the first place.

Now, am I the best person to do a deep dive on this? No. Especially not in one of these barely proof-read long rant posts. I’m sure you can find much better sources, so please do that. But it’d feel disingenuous to ignore it too, so I’m just gonna address it to the best of my abilities as well as provide my own in-universe interpretation of what it could mean for the characters.

Great. Now for that pesky discourse.

Personally my go-to analogy to describe it is the classic Shrek onion one.

You see, you peel away a layer of the Willow’s sexuality onion… and it’s still an onion. You peel away all the layers, you chop it up, and sure, it remains an onion, but now everything’s a mess and you’re crying.

The issue is that you kind of need to peel those layers away anyway if you want to truly divorce yourself from the binary thinking that the show itself often engages with. Which is what’s arguably gotten us into this mess in the first place.

Because however you view Willow’s sexuality, you can’t deny that the show is doing a lousy job defining it. Willow does identify as gay/lesbian as of 5x11 and through the end of the series, but the language the show uses makes it impossible to just leave it at that.

In Doppelgangland, when Willow meets her vampire self, she describes her as “kinda gay”. Not gay, but kinda gay. We also see Vampire!Willow making out with Vampire!Xander in The Wish beforehand, so if Vamp!Willow is supposed to tell us something about Willow’s own sexuality, then it’d stand to reason that she’s bi. Right?

Well, apparently not. But then we run into her actual line in 5x11 where she first uses a label, saying “Hello, gay now!”. Notice, it’s gay now. As in Willow just woke up one day and turned gay. The same joke(?) is repeated in Intervention, where one of the characteristics that was programmed into Buffybot about Willow was saying Gay(1999 - ).

Now, that’s not to say that Willow can’t just have a fluid sexuality and identify anyway she fucking wants to, and she doesn’t need to justify her label to anyone. She fell in love with Tara, and that made her reconsider her own identity. Season 7 almost ends up addressing this too in a scene I think, so that’ll be nice to get to.

The issue mostly comes from the show skipping to engage even with the possibility that Willow (or anyone for that matter) might be attracted to more than one gender at the same time. The closest we get to this is with the love triangle setup in New Moon Rising, except I guess in this love triangle Willow also chose a sexual orientation?

It’s like that episode was the quantum superposition of Willow’s Schrödinger’s sexuality, and upon observation, it locked into either one of its two states. That’s why Tara’s been talking about getting a cat in that episode! Guys, we solved it!

Notice also that I’ve yet to really talk about Willow’s sexual history before Tara in regards to this… because for me that’s sort of less part of the point? If Willow was a real person, and you knew that she had this adorable boyfriend before she identified as a lesbian, you wouldn’t go up to her and question how she defines her own sexuality. I mean… I hope so? Don’t be a fucking asshole.

But that’s both the fallacy of the argument and the reason why you should still respect the label Willow identifies with. Because Willow is not real, she’s a fictional character, and therefore arguments can and should be made about how the show portrays her sexuality… And yet, the people who identify with Willow are very much real, and so are their own experiences of people dismissing their own chosen identities.

So, there you go folks. These are my two cents. Willow’s gay, but we need to acknowledge how the show appears to be either completely unaware, or actively dismissive of the existence of bisexuality. This even comes up in the S8 comics, where Buffy’s sexuality after having a relationship with a woman is continuously referred to as essentially “not-gay”. Because I guess in the Buffyverse canon these are your only two options.

Now that we got all that out of the way, we can briefly talk about this episode, I guess.

To keep it on track, I guess we should dissect the argument between Willow and Tara that sort of caused me to whip this whole discussion out here.

Now, this is a fascinating scene, because it pivots a lot, and reveals a lot about the characters and their insecurities. It also appears to be fueled by Willow’s own lack of self-reflection and Tara’s non-confrontational nature.

It starts with Willow complaining to Tara about how Buffy appears to be trying to be more strict with Dawn. Willow is obviously identifying with Dawn in the situation. But Tara says she completely understands Buffy.

This then probably reminds Willow of Buffy earlier telling her that she wouldn’t understand when she was talking to her about Dawn, which causes a mood shift in Willow. It also reminded me of season 3 of Buffy telling Willow the same thing regarding her connection with Faith, so as a Buffy/Tara shipper that association kind of delights me, ngl.

But as Tara pushes further, seeing that something is bothering Willow, she reveals the insecurity behind it. Willow isn’t just responding to Tara having this wisdom through this major, tragic life experience that she can relate to Buffy with; it’s that Tara’s done all of this so much longer than she has. She’s been a witch all her life. She’s been out much longer.

That however then triggers Tara’s own insecurities about Willow rapidly surpassing her in her own magical abilities, and says that that “frightens” her. She tries walking back on her choice of word later, but it’s too late, and Willow locks into that.

Now, this is some riveting stuff. Because with foreknowledge, the easiest interpretation here is that this will relate back to Willow’s abuse of magic in season 6. That deep down Tara already sees what having this much power will do to her girlfriend.

This is arguably even reinforced in the episode with Willow going after Glory. It’s once again foreshadowing, Willow attempting to take revenge for something that’s been done to Tara; but it also betrays a certain arrogance in Willow. She actually believes that she can take on Glory, a supposed God. (Which, honestly? She probably could by season 7.) That’s the kind of power that she wields and how she chooses to use it.

Still, in the argument itself Tara pushes this fear of hers in a slightly different direction, saying that she’s afraid that she wouldn’t be able to fit into Willow’s life, after all these changes. And that’s where the previous discussion fits in.

Perhaps to understand Willow’s response, we should remember how magic has been used as our lesbian metaphor for almost a whole season. Because she almost immediately jumps to the conclusion, that Tara’s afraid that she would… go back to boys? Which is of course a classic, toxic stereotype used against bisexuals, despite the fact that no one here canonically identifies as bi, so add that to the discourse.

More importantly, it’s said by Willow. Now, Tara totally drops the ball here, asking her “Should I be?”, which reinforces the validity of Willow’s assumption that it’s actually something that Tara is thinking. Even someone as perfect and precious as Tara is not immune to propaganda.

In Tara’s defense, she once again tries dancing back on it, and talking it out before Willow storms out, but yeah. While I’d like to think that Tara’s question came more from a place of general insecurity, regardless of the gender of Willow’s next possible love interest, she sure fucked up in that moment.

Still, the fact that it’s Willow jumping to this debate, might just tell us more about Willow herself and how she sees herself.

Let’s go back to Restless for a bit. In that episode, Willow’s fear was ended up being about how she was scared that deep down she was still the same girl that she was in high school. That all these things she developed through college that made her stand out were just a facade, and that she was merely hiding her true identity as the same lonely loser she believed herself to have been back then.

So… and bear with me here… if we take that fear as a core motivation for Willow’s character, we can interpret the way she identifies her sexuality as a means to distance herself from her old identity. From this perspective, it’d perhaps even make sense for her to feel insecure about a supposed attraction to men, because she sees that as a regression to her old identity.

I can not stress it enough that this is merely a possible interpretation though. And one that would really only become satisfying if season 7 - which was already largely about reconciling with these different aspects of her identity for Willow aside the obvious theme of power - ended up tying it all together with Willow re-defining her own sexuality. It didn’t though, so I’m still left with the same conclusions, and this thought experiment of a character analysis.

Anywho, this is getting so very long, and there are still a few things that I wanted to touch upon this episode. Mainly the parallel we’re drawing between Willow / Tara and Buffy & Dawn throughout.

Normally, I love a good parallel storytelling. It’s efficient and makes the whole thing more cohesive. Here however, they manage to drive the parallel home so hard, that it just becomes weird at some point.

Like the fact that we have these two conflicts in the two relationships, arguably anchoring the episode? That’s good stuff. I also like the fact that Willow and Tara’s argument grows out of their discussion about Buffy and Dawn’s situation.

There’s actually a lot of great interaction in the entire episode. I love Dawn opening up to Spike about how she feels responsible for what would happen to Tara, and how she feels like she can’t be good because of all the terrible things happening around her. That’s a brilliant scene. Spike’s “Well, I’m not good and I’m okay”? I actually love him in that moment, not even gonna lie.

Buffy thinking that she actually convinced Willow to not go after Glory reminded me of a scene in Angel the series, where the gang thinks they managed to curve Fred’s impulses to axe murder her old professor. Do you all even know these people you call friends??? But again, I liked that exchange.

And okay, Buffy needed to be reminded what she would do if something happened to Dawn to realize what Willow was planning. Fine.

But then you’ve got the doctor asking Willow if Tara was her “sister” (to which she of course replied “She’s my everything”, and it’s fine, I’m fine), and then in the last scene, Buffy explicitly equating Willow’s need to take care of Tara with her own feelings regarding Dawn.

Again, I understand parallel storytelling. I love it. But when you’re equating a romantic and a familial relationship there’s a point where it becomes weird, and for me, these two moments put it just over that edge. This is of course a deeply subjective perspective, and I recognize that.

And then you also get Buffy trying to take on these new adult responsibilities in the episode. She’s dropping out of college to try and care for Dawn, and is faced with the challenge to become a parental authority figure in her sister’s life. The scene where she explains to Dawn that the reason she’s being tough with her, is because otherwise she could be seen unfit to be her guardian just gutted me.

This episode is just way too much, guys. And we’re only just at the beginning of the big finish of this season.

#buffy rewatch 2k19 #btvs talk #btvs

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extremelynormalblog · 5 years

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Q/El dancers AU

@goseaward asked for: “Quentin/Eliot as dancers, Q has always thought he's straight then Eliot...”

(”Three scenes!” I told myself, and then.... This. Obviously AU - Q is NOT a dancer by any means. Explicit!)

Now also on AO3!

“Jesus, Alice, I’ve been hanging out in dressing rooms with naked guys since I was, um, 7 years old. You don’t think I would know by now?”

Q takes a deep drag of his cigarette, jumping from one foot to the other lightly to try and keep his muscles warm despite the cold air on the rooftop.

“That’s actually a very common misconception,” Alice says, because of course she does. She doesn’t seem cold at all, bundled up as she is in her giant coat and scarf. “But sexuality is fluid, Q. Just because you were never attracted to guys before doesn’t mean you can’t be attracted to guys now. Or, like, to one guy, I suppose.”

He sighs. Alice waves the smoke away from her with a disapproving frown.

Q stubs out his cigarette onto the wall and puts the unsmoked half back into the pack. Their break is probably almost over, they have to get back down to the studio. “I just feel way too old to be having a sexuality crisis,” he mutters.

“Well, first of all, no you’re not,” she counters. “And second, it doesn’t have to be a crisis. It can be like, a sexuality awakening, or just, I don’t know, an exception. It doesn’t have to-- This could just be a good thing, a new thing, if you stop being such a Q about it.”

“Hey!” he exclaims, but her eyes are fond when he looks up at her. Fuck, Q loves Alice, he really does, but he wishes she weren’t always so right about everything.

“See you at the bar, Q!” Eliot calls as he leaves, Margo tucked under his arm. It isn’t a question - it doesn’t need to be a question, because of course Q will be there, just like he’s been there after every single rehearsal since the beginning of this crazy project that’s brought both their companies together.

It makes no sense, on paper. A contemporary dance/puppetry/theatre company and a ballet company in the same show, that’s just not how you do things. (What you do is, you take the classically trained ballet dancers, the Eliots and the Margos of the world, and you teach them how to do the other stuff, the stuff that regular people have been training their whole lives for, and then they do it perfectly because life’s unfair like that.)

But apparently Mayakovski had insisted, and Fogg must have seen the potential, and they were right - it’s becoming clearer and clearer with every new rehearsal that it does work.

It’s hard not to see the parallels with Quentin’s own situation.

Eliot had taken to him instantly, for some reason Q couldn’t fathom - Eliot, who was clearly the king of his group, who was tall and lean and handsome and naturally graceful and everything that Q wasn’t despite working so hard at it; Eliot, who made Q feel, more than ever, like he was out of place and didn’t quite belong.

But when they moved together, it just made sense, in a way that took so much effort when Q was partnered with someone else, even Alice, who he’d been working with for years and years now.

And Eliot, who’d seemed so haughty and unapproachable at first, had opened up to Q like it was nothing. He’d shared his own struggles and offered up his advice and his praise, and Q had drunk it all in, and one day he’d been looking at Eliot’s red, sweaty face across the studio, and Eliot had caught his eyes and smiled at him instantly and waved across the room, like he was so happy to see Q looking at him, and Q had smiled back before he could even tell he was doing it and he’d felt so pleased and bright and warm and like he wanted to-- Ooh.

“So, are finally you going to talk to him?” Alice asks, making Q jump.

“I don’t know, Alice,” Q says. “What if I’m reading this all wrong?” He doesn’t think he could keep dancing with Eliot every day if he put himself out there and Eliot shot him down.

“Oh, Quentin,” she says. “How can someone so smart be so wrong so much of the time.”

Yeah, my point exactly, Q wants to say, but then she’s grabbing his arm and pulling him out the door in the direction of the bar.

“Wait, Eliot, before we-- I don’t know if I’m-- I mean, I’ve never--,” Q stutters out, much, much later, against Eliot’s lips. He’d drunk enough that he’d had the balls to ask Eliot up, and then to kiss him, soft and awkward, and Eliot had looked at him with surprise and delight and kissed him back, steady and sure.

Now they’ve been kissing so long that he’s sobered up, and his mouth feels swollen, raw, and the skin all around it tingles from Eliot’s stubble. It feels fucking amazing. Q would like nothing more than to shut off his brain and keep being kissed by Eliot like this, possibly forever, but.

“That’s okay,” Eliot says. His hands run through Q’s hair again, nails raking against his scalp, making him shiver all over. He’s pressed up against Q, caging him in against the wall of Q’s tiny apartment. Q has to stand in relevé to reach him properly. He will probably regret it tomorrow when his calves cramp up, but right now...

“It’s just... All this time I thought I was straight,” Q’s confesses.

Eliot takes a step back. His mouth looks swollen, too. He’s breathing hard. Good, Q thinks.

“Q. Are you enjoying this?” Eliot asks, eyes intent, voice kind.

Q nods. ‘Enjoying’ feels like an understatement.

“Do you want to stop?”

Q shakes his head frantically. “Fuck, no, please.”

Eliot’s eyes darken at that, and he steps back into Q’s space. He leans down a little, brushes his lips against Q’s ear.

“How are you feeling? Are you hard?”

Another shiver runs down Q’s spine. Fuck, he is so hard, it feels a little like he might come before Eliot ever actually touches him. He wraps his arms around Eliot’s torso and cants his hips forward, pushing his cock into Eliot’s thigh, trying to show him what he can’t tell him.

“Oh yeah you are, aren’t you,” Eliot whispers. “You are so hard for me, baby, and I’m going to make you feel so fucking good. It doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.”

Q whimpers at that, a high, needy sound he’s never heard himself make before.

“Fuck, Q, listen to yourself,” Eliot says, and then he’s kissing him again, engulfing Q into his arms, taking him over, pushing his leg between Q’s thighs and almost lifting him off of the ground, and Q wants nothing more than to let Eliot lift him up, to surrender to him, to let Eliot kiss him and touch him and hold him and give him all the things Q never even knew he wanted, before Eliot.

“Are you sure,” Eliot asks, a little while later, when they’re both naked on top of Q’s covers. “It’s okay if this is more than you signed up for.”

“Shut up, I’m sure,” Q says, even though somewhere in his brain, a voice is still screaming “If you do this you can never call yourself straight again!”

It’s a very small part, though, and it’s sounding further and further away with each second that he’s looking at Eliot’s dick and fucking salivating.

“You don’t have anything to prov-- Oh, okay, alright, fuck!”

Eliot stops making sentences then, when Q puts his mouth on him - on Eliot’s dick, and fuck, this is it, Q’s got a dick in his mouth and he’s fucking-- he’s loving it, because it’s making Eliot sound like this, raw and uncontrolled and real, like Q doing this is stripping all his carefully cultivated layers, like maybe Q is making Eliot feel as out of control as Eliot’s made him feel, ever since the first time he opened his mouth and said Q’s name.

He tries to fit as much as he can into his mouth but it’s not that easy; Eliot’s fucking big. Q knew it intellectually (you don’t dance with someone for weeks without finding this kind of thing out) but now he knows it, he’s learning it with his hands and his lips and his tongue.

“Don’t try to--” Eliot starts, and Q lets him go and, feeling bold, says: “Yeah, teach me how to suck you, El.”

Eliot groans. His dick jerks, leaving a wet trail on his stomach.

“I knew you were going to fucking kill me,” he says. “Okay, come on then.”

He talks Q through it, and it’s the hottest thing Q’s ever experienced – Eliot’s voice, low and rough, getting breathier and breathier as he guides Q step by step – “Use your saliva, make it wet,” and “Move your hand, tighter, yeah, like that, oh god, just like that, keep doing that,” and Q shuts his brain off and follows along, blissfully, listening to the music of Eliot’s voice and just moving, just like dancing, until Eliot suddenly tenses and says “Oh god, don’t, don’t, you’ll make me come,” and Q does it anyway, pushes down with his finger right there, and Eliot’s whole body jerks, uncoordinated and graceless for the first time, and he shoots right into Q’s mouth with a long moan.

“Mmpf,” Q says, vaguely panicked. He thought he wanted to swallow when Eliot came but now he’s not so sure.

Eliot is there in a flash, though, hand extended in front of Q’s mouth, laughing a little. “I know right? Spit it out, it’s okay,” and Q does gratefully, his face burning. Eliot looks around for a second and then wipes off his hand onto his discarded tshirt with a shrug.

“You okay?” he checks.

Q nods fervently. “Fuck, yeah. That was, uh. Fucking amazing, El. Thank you.” He can taste Eliot with each word he says. Licking his lips makes him shiver.

Eliot shakes his head incredulously. “You’re incredible,” he says. “Come here, this was supposed to be about you and I haven’t even done anything for you yet.”

‘You have,’ Q wants to say, but Eliot is pulling Q across his lap, and Q goes eagerly, straddling Eliot’s legs. He bends down to kiss him, and Eliot surges up to meet him, putting one hand around Q’s neck and the other on Q’s dick – oh yeah, he’s still hard, he’d almost forgotten about it, he’d been so focused on Eliot – and he strokes him hard and fast and just right, and it takes no time at all for Q to come, spraying Eliot’s chest, rocking and whining through it, making Eliot fall backwards onto the bed when he collapses against him, spent and breathless and fucking ecstatic.

“So,” Eliot says a while later, as he’s tracing idle patterns up and down Q’s arm. Q’s lying with his head on Eliot’s chest, their legs intertwined. They should really be asleep – Mayakovski and Fogg will tear them new ones if they can’t keep up tomorrow – but Q’s brain is fighting sleep even as his eyes are closing inexorably. He doesn’t want this to end.

“Hm?”

“You still worried you’re straight?” It sounds light, like it could be a joke, but Q knows it’s not from the careful way Eliot’s still touching him.

He thinks about it.

“I don’t feel any different,” he says truthfully.

Eliot hums.

“Maybe I was never really straight,” he sighs. “Or maybe Alice is right and it just doesn’t matter.”

He shuffles against Eliot, drawing the sheet up over them both and settling into a more comfortable position. He can feel himself losing the fight against sleep. He hopes Eliot’s set an alarm. He hopes Eliot wants to do this again.

“Alice the wise,” Eliot murmurs, and Q nods, and then he’s gone.

#queliot fic #the magicians #i made this #meme fill #goseaward #quentin x eliot #one day my ficlets will stay short #also one day i will stop writing dancing AUs #but clearly not this day #though this is only a dancing AU in the loosest of terms #anyway enjoy :D

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roidespd-blog · 5 years

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Chapter Nine : SEX, SEXUALITY and GENDER IDENTITY

Ask yourself three simple questions. What are your biological characteristics ? What does or does not turn you on ? What are you ?

If you can get through all three, congratulations. You’ve built great foundations for yourself as a human being.

That is not always the case.

SEX — A NON-BINARY CONCEPT

That seems to be the easiest one. It was. Also, it never was. Organisms (entities that exhibit the properties of life) of male and female varieties, each known as sex. We’re not talking about doing the nasty but the genetic traits that constitutes your sexual reproductive system. Among humans (and other mammals), males typically carry and X and Y chromosome whereas the female typically carry two X chromosomes. Humans may also be intersex. That’s when it becomes complicated — but only if you are not eager to understand. To the first question (“What are your biological characteristics?”), I can say that I have an X chromosome and a Y chromosome. I produce small gametes (AKA sperm) and I have a penis (a nice little fellow). To my knowledge, my friend Julie has two X chromosomes and produces large gametes (AKA egg cells) and I might over reach because we’re not sot intimate that I have seen all of her, but I do think she has a vagina. Intersex people are individuals born with variations in sex characteristics that are not strictly XX-male or XY-female. They do not fit the definitions of male of female bodies. In the past, you would have called them hermaphrodites but believe me, this is so wrong and offensive. Don’t. I won’t get into much details about intersex individuals as I want to give them an entire article to focus on their existence. Just know they’re here and that your binary concept of the human body, though right for you and most of your friends and family, is no longer valid.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION / SEXUAL IDENTITY

It’s gonna get a tiny bit more complicated as they have one identical word in common. Sexual. You know that word, stop focusing on it. Put your eyes on their companions. Orientation is an pattern of romantic and/or sexual attraction to persons of the opposite sex and/or gender, same sex and/or gender, or to both sexes or more than one gender. Those orientations are usually divided into three categories : heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality. Bullshit.

Identity is how a person thinks of him/her/themself in terms of whom one is romantically or sexually attracted to. Or not. The beauty of this new world is that you can pretty much identify with whatever words you feel comfortable with. I used to identify myself as an homosexual man with a 5,5 on the Kinsey Scale. But time and research made me rethink my personal point of view. I still use the terms homosexual, gay (though I have a preference for the umbrella word that is Queer, and the slurs I like to appropriate as my own) but the Kinsey method only include the three orientations I previously cited. I now more and more in phase with being androsexual and it redefined my attraction as a matter of identity.

I’m sure you don’t know what Androphilia is. or Gynephilia for that matter. Neither was I not so long ago. They are terms used to describe sexual orientation as an alternative to a gender binary homosexual / heterosexual / bisexual conceptualization. Androphilia describes sexual attraction to men or masculinity. Gynephilia describes the sexual attraction to women or femininity. Ambiphilia, finally, describes the combination of both Androphilia and gynephilia. I thought I was only attracted to cisgender man but a few years ago, I found myself incredibly aroused at the sight of what happened to be a transgender man. A gorgeous man that I will not named. Though confused at first, I realized that wouldn’t change who I am. I’m still the same person with the same sexuality. I just happen to be attracted to masculinity traits. By applying those terms to the common understand of sexual identity, we avoid bias inherent in normative concepts of human sexuality, confusion and offense with people of multiple identities.

But whatever the term, you get to decide. You can be : Asexual (experiencing little or no sexual attraction to others and lack of interest in sexual relationships or behavior) Bicurious Bisexual Demisexual (little or no capacity to experience sexual attraction until a strong romantic connection is formed with sometimes) Fluid Gay Homosexual Lesbian Pansexual (a person who experiences sexual, romantic, physical and/or spiritual attraction for members of all gender identities) Polyamorous (the practice and desire of consensual non-monogamous relationships) — yeah, that can be part of your sexual identity. Queer Skoliosexual (being primarily sexually, romantically and/or emotionally attracted to genderqueer, transgender and/or non-binary individuals)

You can even be straight and identify as MSM or WSW (Men who have Sex with Men or Women who have Sex with Women).

Honestly, the possibilities seem unlimited at this point. To the question “What does and what does not turn you on?”, be honest with yourself and don’t be afraid to think about it.

GENDER IDENTITY

Now on to the final curve of this ever-so complicated path. Gender Identity is the personal sense of one’s own gender. It is not always on par with the gender you were assigned at birth. To take myself one last time as an example, I am a cisgender man. Cisgender : an individual whose gender identity matches the sex that they were assigned at birth. Got it ? In terms of gender, I don’t have to ask myself too much questions except socially as I slowly but surely try to break codes about masculinity and femininity. But that’s beyond the point for now. So when you are not a cis person, what can you be ? Someone can be transgender.

Transgender : a gender description for someone who has transitioned or si transitioning from living as one gender to another. Two warnings on this. First, “transitioning” doesn’t mean a transgender person has to change his/her/their you-know-me-down-there surgically. Transitioning means changing things as varied but not obligatory as exterior appearance, name, pronouns. What you do with your body is your own business (more on that in a future article). Second, the word transgender was preceded by two other words : transvestite and transexual. A transvestite is a person who dresses as the gender opposite his/her/their own but has nothing to do with sexual or gender identity. A transexual is the grandparent word of transgender but the term has been rejected by many transgender people as “beyond the scope” (with sexual in it, no shit). I would not use that word unless that person identifies as transexual. But I doubt it. But again, gender is a complex thing and it is associated with identity. And though you cannot chose who you love, who you are attracted to and who you are, you get to choose the words that fit you best. Not cis ? Not trans ? Maybe you are non-binary, or genderqueer (a spectrum of gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine and are outside the gender binary and cis normality). Maybe you are genderfluid. Maybe agender (someone who identifies as having no gender or being without a gender) or demigender. Maybe all or none of the above.

So to the third question I had you earlier, “Who are you?”, what will you say ?

There are no wrong answers. Only wrong silences.

As I get to write these articles one by one, I learn a lot about my people. Where they’re coming from, what they want and who they are. And through that, I’m learning a shitload more about myself, and not only as a queer person. This article was, in the end, only about little boxes available to you. Do not conform to them because they are there. I asked you three questions and expected answers. What if they aren’t any final ones for you ? What’s so bad about that? As long as you get the freedom to ask yourself a double “what” and a simple “who”.

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bj728y3rueihwfbds · 5 years

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explaining my sexuality to the best of my ability

So if you don`t want to read a rant-y wall of text about lesbianism and whatever the fuck from yours truly, just don`t read further. Thanks! <3

Hi. As very little of you may know - since I`m a stranger on the internet - I am a complicated person. Especially my sexuality. SO I`m just sitting in my bed, hovering over my laptop, pink lemonade in hand, figuring this shit out. Here are the things I know (eehhhh?) about my sexuality:

- I am extremely attracted to girls.

- I am attracted to boys. (And can get unhealthy with specific boys)

- I have never been attracted to a person who is not male or female.

- I don`t see myself ever being attracted to a person who is not male or female.

But some people that are, like, non-binary and gender-fluid and other genders are really cute. But not attractive to me? Like, if you were a straight girl and you see an attractive girl and you were like “She`s so cute!” Right? I don`t know.

I`ve only had one crush on a girl in my life, and like four boys. Oh, how times have changed, as I love girls. Very much.

In conclusion, bisexual with a female lean. (yeah that sounds right??)

Thanks for reading, my love. <3

#sexuality #pride #bisexual #LGBTQ+#LGBTQ #LGBT

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mazqueen · 6 years

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I wish Petra would use the word “bisexual” in an ep. I kinda love the fact that most queer characters on JtV doesn’t have to say their sexuality but it just is (like Luisa and JR never use a label but are so obviously gay). But since some people keep calling Petra a lesbian, and that the word bi is like never used on tv, I think she should. Characters that are obviously bi either have no label or call themselves gay, sometimes even when writers confirm they’re bi they still won’t say it in canon

Me too. And I agree, it’s nice when they don’t have to say their sexuality because then it’s treated as normal, which is a good thing. But at the same time, I feel you in that the term bisexual is rarely used on tv and I feel like saying the word… helps, I guess? In validating it, in a sense, for bi-visibility, especially because there are a lot of people who don’t take bisexuality seriously or never even consider it as an option.

I mean here. We’ve got Luisa, Rose and Krishna, all confirmed lesbians. JR’s sexuality was never said out loud in canon, but people have labelled her as a lesbian and no one has questioned it. And then there’s Petra, who I feel is actually in the best position (and the only viable one, at this point) to represent the bi community on the show especially now that she’s a confirmed wlw + her history. It all fits, and comes together quite perfectly. However, there are still a lot of people who say she’s a lesbian, who dismiss the idea that she’s bisexual (which Jennie Urman has confirmed she is btw) even though she spent pretty much three seasons pining over her ex-husband and it’s clear that her love for him was real, both in the writing and the translation of that writing onscreen. And it can feel a little offensive in a way, if you think about how there are 5 wlw (counting out characters who aren’t at the very least recurring guest stars) on this show and out of those five, (out of the two unconfirmed wlw), the bi community is only trying to claim ONE as our representation and when people try to argue against the idea of Petra being bisexual, it feels like we’re not even allowed to have that, like we’re not even allowed to exist in the line-up of wlw.

And idk. I mean I want Petramos to be endgame. I want JR to be it for Petra, because I think they have a healthy, loving relationship and that’s beautiful. But at the same time, it’s upsetting when her ending up with a woman is taken as her being a lesbian. The thing is, unless you’re poly, you’re only gonna end up with 1, either a male or a female… but it’s not like ending up with a male makes us hetero, in the same way that ending up with a female does not mean we’re lesbians. We’re still bisexuals. And I feel like that was the whole point of why they made Adam explain all that stuff about bisexuality earlier. So that people understand that. But I don’t think people do.

Like, here’s the thing. Bisexuals who like men and women equally are valid. Bisexuals who prefer men are valid. Bisexuals who prefer women are valid. Bisexuals who have never dated men before are valid. Bisexuals who have never dated women before are valid. Bisexuals who have decided, for whatever reason, that they want to exclusively date men are valid. Bisexuals who have decided, for whatever reason, that they want to exclusively date women are valid. In the same way that bisexuals who don’t want to date at all, for whatever reason, are valid. (And bi’s who would rather call themselves straight/lesbian because they want to exclusively date only one sex anyway is also valid, js. What people want to label themselves as is their choice.)

It’s tough to make definitions with sexuality because it’s complicated, so this will be extremely broad but bisexuality generally means you can be attracted to both men and women. And I’m not talking about attraction in the… oh they’re handsome or beautiful kind of way, but in the sense that… you’d enter a relationship with them, or would have sex with them, or whatever other variety of that. Like, the idea of being in a relationship, romantic/sexual, with either women and men appeals to you. Sexuality is really not about who you’re with or who you end up with. It’s not about who you’re dating or not dating. You don’t stop being a bisexual for any reason, because being one is part of who you are. Like someone who is closeted and dating the opposite sex is still gay even though they’re dating the opposite sex. Because being gay is not something that disappears depending on who they’re with. It’s who they are. It’s the same with bisexuality.

And so in the same sense, Petra is bisexual no matter who she’s dating. Petra is bisexual if, for some reason she doesn’t end up with JR and dates ten women after that until she finds ‘the one’ who is also a woman. If she dates women the rest of her life, it doesn’t negate the validity of her feelings/relationship with Raf. She could be so over balls men (like me 99% of the time) but that doesn’t automatically make her not a bisexual. Mind you, being ‘over it’ means she was into at one point, which just goes to prove that her attraction isn’t limited to only women. Like… I can see Petra as fluid. And I can definitely see her as pansexual. But if you tell me Petra is not at all attracted to men? Idk but that’s just difficult to believe. And I’d also like to point out that Jennie made the decision to make Petra bi before s4 started… and yet we have a completely pointless scene in which Petra gushes about how handsome Jeffrey Mullins is, also being hot and bothered and clearly turned on at the thought of how good Raf is in bed and if she was going to make Petra a lesbian? Why bother with those.

And. Yeah. Clearly I have a lot of feelings about this lol. And I mean, it’s about Petra but it’s also, in the larger sense, more about the prevalence of bi-erasure in society as a whole and tbh I feel a little bit like invalidating Petra’s bisexuality is a manifestation of that. And I just wish we could be better. Like I’ve said before, we’re all wlw, all lgbtq, let’s just be supportive and accepting of each other.

#jane the virgin #text: petra solano #text #i'm hoping with magda this week that maybe there'll be a mention of that.#but she dismissed when raf asked #are u into women now #that idk if they'll ever really touch on it #which i feel is also okay because that's a valid experience #if petra doesnt want to label herself too #Anonymous #long post for ts

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tryharder-bitch · 5 years

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Stranger Things: could Robin be bi?

Since season 3 aired, I have seen all sorts of discourse about wether Robin is gay or bi and well, time to add my own two cents.

In my opinion, Robin being a lesbian was one of the best trope subversion of this season. Her being Steve’s love interest would have been predictible and rather boring. Instead, Steve is finally allowed to have a friend of his age without the complications of it being a love story! It shows that you can find happiness in other ways that romantic love! And she was very well written, not reduced to her sexuality but fleshed out as an actual interesting character, useful to the plot! So yeah, I'm glad they went for it.

Of course, Robin and Steve have a great chemistry and they would make a cute couple - but then Joe Keery has chemistry with pretty much everyone, that's just this little man's magic.

And of course, Robin could be bi irl. Sexuality is fluid after all, and even though she rejected Steve, there is a tiny possibility that she could still be attracted by him and yada yada yada.

But it would be a major faux pas to make this her storyline. Why, you ask me?

Stranger Things is a Netflix show airing in 2019. Honestly, it was even a bit surprising that we had to wait until season 3 to have some queer rep. We’re in an era in entertainment where diversity is widely reclaimed by at least a part of the audience. Netflix is run by (mostly) smart people who are eager to answer those demands - in order to, ya know, make money (not that I think they don’t care for representation, but tbh they’re here to sell in the first place).

Right now, Robin is the only canon queer character in Stranger Things (I'm not counting Will, because even though it's pretty obvious that he has some sexual identity conflicts going on, the duffers could still chose not to follow through with that plotline). And when you have the opportunity to show the only gay character in your show be happy in a gay relationship, you can't put her instead in a seemingly “straight relationship”. That would pretty much erase her queerness in the eye of the casual watcher - a sort of "she's queer but dont worry, not that much" (i know her being canonically bi and in a relationship with Steve wouldn't make her straight, please don't @ me and keep on reading).

I would love to see more bi rep in fiction, believe me. And I would be glad to have a bi character in Stranger Things, as long as they're well written.

But as much as I regret this, most people have an easier time understanding homosexuality than bisexuality. Bisexuality is still in this grey zone with lots and lots of misconceptions, whereas nowadays most people get the fact that you can be gay - even of they don't approve it. Therfore if you want to add queer rep in a show, you're probably wanting to begin with something simple, easy to understand. So boom, you choose the gay character!

I feel like the duffer brothers are using Robin to test the waters. If people are happy with her storyline, good, they can add more rep, and if people don't like her being gay... well, she's not that important to the plot, so they can gently push her aside. I think the duffers know their audience and care more about pleasing the mass than writing a specific story they absolutely want to tell - which is both a good and a bad thing, maybe I'll write a post about it. But if they decide to keep Robin (and she's very cool and people love her so I'm pretty sure they will), they are clever enough to exploit her queerness in order to give us a compelling sense of representation.

Now, if you want to ship Stobin, write fanfictions, draw fanarts of them, of course you're free to do it. That's what fandoms are for, so enjoy!

Just don't act like it's canon (because it's not) and don't hope it will become canon (because it won't).

#there you have it folks #stranger things discourse #also bi robin would pretty much feel like sHe'S a LeSbiaN cAuSe She HaSn't FoUnD tHe RiGhT mAn #still hoping for steve's bi epiphany though #oh and i can't recall any show where the first queer character introduced was bi but if you think of something please tell me #alright enough tags #stranger things spoilers #stranger things season 3 #steve harrington #robin buckley #stobin #mine

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lgbt-romanian-teens · 7 years

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Hi! So right now I don't know what I am. I once had a (major) crash on a boy, but in the rest of the time I kinda.... Had some (major) crushes on different girls. I get along way better with girls, and I am usually attracted to girls. I don't know if this is labeled as "bisexual". And one more thing. My family is super religious, but mother said she doesn't have any problem with them, it's just it's not normal, but that doesn't mean we have to treat them differently if they are good men.

You decide what label to use, if you feel like the term bisexual fits you, choose it, if not don’t or you don’t have to label yourself at all if you don’t feel like it. Sexuality is fluid and it’s pretty hard and complicated to figure it out, it may take a while, but it’s ok, there is no rush. Think like this: did that crush you had on a boy feel like the crushes you had on these girls? Or did you feel forced in any way to like him? Did you feel like it’s ‘mandatory’ to like boys and chose him or was it genuine attraction?Because there is this thing called “compulsory heterosexuality”(I’m not an expert on this maybe you should google it) that makes you think that you like sb because it’s the norm. (Again, google it because i can’t explain it really well) so yeah, don’t be forced to label yourself, you have enough time to explore your feeling. And I’m glad that your mom at least thinks that we shouldn’t treat lgbt people differently, maybe it’s a good sign if you ever decice to tell her, who knows

#mod d #advice tag

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qanoor · 7 years

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i suppose it is ironic and apt that i am listening to a peppy pop song called “not over you” by tessa violet right now.

i woke up around 12.30 & stuffed my face with food i shouldn’t eat & talked to sophie a little & then went back to sleep because that is my method of coping with my anxiety and depression & it doesn’t work but what else can you do. i told sophie about what was going on with sam & i wanted her to say don’t worry, we’ll figure it out so you can live with me and ginny and tavi and miel. (or some combination thereof.) instead she said she was glad that she was moving if it was going to be so precarious whether sam and i keep living together, too. then she asked me, following our conversation/difficulty/post-breakdown anxiety last night, if it would be okay if ginny came over to help her with cleaning her room -- she’d check in on me, it wouldn’t be too long, etc. i said yes i didn’t want it to be rigid, of course it’s okay if ginny stops by briefly too. last night i was trying to ask, trying to ask if it would be okay if ginny didn’t come over really for a bit, at least until we tried to figure stuff out more. how do i say i don’t even know why i’m so hurt but i am. how do i say i fucked up and i’m embarrassed that she witnessed me screaming and yelling at you and saying all those angry things about her and she would never lose her cool like that around me and so i have this vulnerability, this mistake, this roughness, and i am so tired of having to apologize over and over but what else is there to do.

i woke up again around 5.50 to a beetle crawling/flying its way across my armpit. i brushed it aside and i wanted to die. i stuffed my face more with those corn puffs i shouldn’t eat & i couldn’t stop until i finished what was left in the bag & i knew it was bad & i read the comments on my facebook post about vegan/vegetarian options for the low fodmaps diet & i wanted to die & i wanted to die & i wanted to die & i couldn’t stop stuffing my face & i couldn’t stop & if you really wanted to stop if you really were disciplined if you were anything but this fucked up useless mess you *would* be able to do it you’re just lazy you’re just always sabotaging your health you call it “mild-moderate bingeing and compulsive overeating” but really it’s your complete lack of control because you’re such a useless shitty person and you never try hard enough.

i managed to go to the toilet and i managed to put on a shirt and underwear and pyjama shorts & sophie came out of her room when i was dumping her frozen vegetables that she’d (mistakenly?) left out into the chest freezer, and she was very happy about the new lice shampoo she was trying (she and ginny have been fighting off a strange case of lice for months now, with varying levels of non-success... strangely enough i haven’t got lice yet and maybe i should be more worried about getting it, certainly it would be more consistent with my ocd to be more worried about it, but anyway) because it’s some “natural” thing or something and it smells so much better & she kissed me and i made sure it was close-mouthed because i hadn’t brushed my teeth & it probably would’ve been anyway & she did that silly gasp thing that i love so much &

i was planning to go visit sam in his room after i poured myself the last of the melon juice and mixed it with my fiber supplement (i’m only taking it once a day instead of 3 times like it says because i think i jumped in too fast initially and it might’ve fucked with the absorption of my psych meds, which could also have been a factor in my awful meltdown the other day) but when i actually went over he was gone & i asked anya if he’d left & she said she thought so, maybe, & i felt so horrible and empty & i came back here to my room & i called him & he’s having dinner at his father’s house & he said he’d be back in 2 or 2.5 hours & i asked him how he was doing & he said very shitty & i said i can imagine & i asked him if we could talk when he got back & he said maybe, depends on if i’m doing anything else tonight, i’ll let you know

last night it scared the shit out of me that when i keep asking for reassurance from sophie it seems to trigger her, especially in this context, in the wake of a meltdown, into doubting her entire sense of judgment, into wondering if i am doing something wrong after all when i keep asking if i am over and over, or even just more than once at all, and i know -- i know she can’t deal with my need for reassurance, i know, but -- and i said i think this is a textbook response of how abuse survivors/victims doubt themselves & i don’t know what to do with this & also it’s different everything is different & also similar, it’s always like this, nothing is ever textbook and nothing is ever “just abuse” or whatever you want to call it -- there is so much grief and mourning and history between us & it’s hard & i see her being unable to think express answer breaking down in her own withdrawal or constant distraction or -- i don’t know how to describe these things. i don’t know how to describe the feeling of lying on my bed trying to cry silently this time, am i always seeking attention when i cry loudly?, i don’t know how to describe this feeling of things with her always being my easiest reason to cry, how hard it is to cry otherwise. i don’t know how to describe the way it seeps out every last molecule of energy from my body & i’m out for a day & then i try not to be & then i am again & i see how much it hurts us both, this history, this mourning, this retraumatization, this reenactment, every time i have another screaming/yelling fit about something it’s.... and i feel the need to clarify, always, no i didn’t scream/yell again last night, but it was still related to the other night, and why this endless need to clarify, to ascertain, to document.... am i just always trying to prove some kind of innocence, or some kind of “at least” or “it wasn’t as bad as” or something? maybe everything was already premade to be as bad. no, not that. it’s not that either.

last night sam said he didn’t want to delve into what he was feeling/thinking about us but i couldn’t leave well enough alone and he said he just didn’t want to pile on if i was really tired & i said no it makes me more anxious to not know & so. & so we got into it again & this time we really did decide, or i helped him decide?, or something. that we should really just call ourselves platonic friends. & this was. he didn’t want to let go of this hope he keeps having that it’ll be something more, that i’ll be more romantically/sexually available and interested, that there’s something still to hope for. & letting go of all this hope is so devastating for him.

there’s things that are hard to document, and i wanted to document them as they were happening, but it’s also so maudlin. i said but i’m here for you and he said but not the way i want you to be. and i try to understand i try to understand, god knows i’ve been through this too, was this what i did to amira? & later much later i realized what a beautiful friendship i had destroyed in some sense forever. & i don’t know i don’t know. but i can’t feel the things for him that he feels for me. & he said you don’t know what it feels like, to be so utterly rejected by someone you have such a passion for. & i said but i haven’t completely rejected you! but when did i become this person? i should not have defended myself thusly. i have -- i have -- rejected him so utterly. this has been true for so long. this has been true for years. this has been true since i wrote the jaded poem the night after i first slept with him in summer 2013. this has been true! why do i keep lying to him and to myself?

i keep wanting to be this girl, like sylvia plath, who eats men like air.

but it’s dreadfully lonely & it’s not the best relationship model. maybe it’s a better business model, but i never wanted to seal the imprint of a body on a dollar bill.

see, he said but i’m a bad friend and i thought about how miel and i had talked about how he seems to be so much more friendly, at least sooner so, with people he’s attracted to. like how he friended evyn on facebook right away but took so long to friend miel. or how he constantly falls for all these queer people who won’t have him and keeps trying and hoping anyway. or how he said he wished he’d talked to lea on okcupid all that time ago even though lea’s really a lesbian. & i thought about the violence that exists in desire. today, sophie said that she can understand that, though -- the only really wanting to consistently connect with people who you also have some kind of romantic/sexual/complicated feelings for, that she’s like that too. this frustrated me & she said she doesn’t really communicate with people who are “just friends” either, & this frustrated me. like i get it but also i think i have learned through years, perhaps years of also doing similar things, that there has to be value in platonic friendships too, and even if everything is fluid there has to be some sort of recognition.... & yes sophie does get that too, and i guess sam does as well, but it’s... it’s... i don’t know.

what he said was that he wasn’t sure how things would be if he got with someone else (and especially monogamously) and if i moved away & if we didn’t live together & if... & i asked him if he felt like he couldn’t live with me anymore if things were “just” platonic & it was complicated because he both said yeah that would be too hard but he also said he wanted to live with me too when i said i wanted to keep living with him. he was just scared that we wouldn’t be forever anymore

this is where it gets so muddy and awful. i don’t really want to live with him. i haven’t wanted to keep living with him in a long time. i never really wanted to start living with him that much, either. we’ve carved out some sort of patchwork semi-halfhearted domesticity and some kind of comfort, some kind of sustainability. but so much of this, for me, has been more about practicality and giving in to something i don’t really feel much agency in...

& so i’m awful. & so i think about -- if he moves out, who will i find to live in his room? would miel even be interested? this apartment is so small and has a tendency to become cramped, but i suppose that is moreso because currently the living room is partitioned off into sophie’s room. & what about -- laundry, that is, the lack thereof in this building, and how it really does require a car when the laundromat is 10-15 minutes away walking.

& so i think about -- it’s been such a help to get rides from him -- not just for laundry but also for groceries and other things. & i don’t have a car (and neither does miel). & i can’t just live with someone i don’t trust.

so then there’s -- what if i moved out instead? the moving plans have all combusted spectacularly. i really was hoping for the place that sophie, ginny, sam, me and tavi (and originally miel as well, but that’s a long story) applied for but didn’t get. and now there’s -- which occasioned the terrible meltdown about ginny and other things -- the plan for sophie & ginny to move in with that fucking white straight couple to a different place, and if the white straight couple backs out (which sophie is hoping for) then maybe tavi and a friend could join. (i am bitter that sophie doesn’t even think this is a possibility for me anymore, it seems.)

anyway, i am really afraid. i am also really afraid that even if sam and i do continue living here together, like it was seeming to be, that he won’t -- i don’t know, that he’ll be a lot less giving now that we’re not even makeshift partners anymore. that maybe he just won’t value me as a friend, that he can’t. that if he gets into a monogamous relationship that that person won’t be okay with him living with his ex. that it really will come down to -- i’m no longer worthy now that there’s not even the vague hope of sex again. & i feel so dirty and wrong and awful. and i feel so angry. and it’s easy to confer the dirtiness and wrongness onto him.

maybe i am just afraid that i won’t be able to use him anymore. this is such a typical “woman’s role” or whatever. i am a stereotype but maybe there is nothing else to be. so much misogyny in the very syllable of being, internalized or otherwise. it’s so complicated. depending on a guy who has more money (albeit not that much more), who has a car.

& to look for a new place -- maybe with miel, maybe with someone else (who???) too? i’m so scared. & it’s so hard, with my being on disability & miel’s complicated low-income status (albeit they can probably have their mom as a guarantor on their part of a lease, like they currently have -- i don’t really have this possibility as my parents are in india and that’s very complicated), to even find a place that will accept the precarity of our incomes. i want to be looking for part-time work but that might not do much good either, and it’s the constant -- if i earn “too much” i don’t get disability anymore, but if i stay on disability that’s fucking miserable too.

i wish it felt like i could get out of the trap i’m in. but maybe i am just always painting myself as the victim and actually i am manipulative, like ginny says, just trapping everyone else in my elaborate web of constraints, instead.

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ravensquotingroses · 7 years

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Long Post, My Thoughts To Fucking Get Them Out of my Mind

Okay, so this is unexpectedly long... if any of you are going to read this please know that the entire thing is my thoughts and feelings.

Gender rant;

my mother is kind of a piece of work in the way that she “accepts” my gender but doesn’t understand it and doesn’t want to and refuses to respect it. She refuses to use my pronouns and my name, of course leading me to feel like perhaps i am not real? The thoughts flooding my head with this is all, okay i am so fucking confused. I am very confused. not about what it is, i now that it is fluid. I am confused as to why i cannot just be myself, why the words nonbinary and genderfluid are so confusing to people. Why me saying demifluid instead of genderfluid or nonbinary gets me a look of confusion. Why saying demigirl or demiboy gets me a puzzled look and a muttered “that’s not real.” I am real, I know i am, i am as real as everyone else.

Sexuality rant;

I call myself a lesbian. But my sexuality is way more complicated than that. My mother understands the term lesbian, but she just ignores the demiromantic and the demisexual part of my sexuality.

Demiromantic*: having to have a strong connection someone before feeling any romantic attraction to them.

Demisexual*: having to have a strong romantic connection to someone before feeling any sexual attraction to them.

Lesbian*: being attracted to females and feminine people.

*these are my personal definitions of the words

I am so tired of having to explain this over and over and over again.

spirituality rant;

I have been torn between my spiritual path lately. like okay i am just sitting here feeling a connection to buddhism and hinduism and greek polytheism and i have just, given up. My connection to Buddhism is the one with the universe and the everyone, humans and animals are all equals. Hinduism, same as the Buddhism, but also being one with god, or in my case is gods. Polytheism is my deep relationship with five deities, yet i feel like i am on the same level as them. They have also said the same. My witchcraft is tied with my spirituality in the way that it influences my craft.

Otherkin rant;

Uh, hi I am otherkin, fictionkin and therian. My soul is old, I miss my soulmate... that is really all of it. JUST GIVE THEM BACK UNIVERSE.

Goth/emo rant;

S, I am nostalgic for emo, you are my fav emo bro. I am also goth goth goth. gothemo moth geth etho just, yeah. EMO IS NOT A SHIT THING ALL MY FELLOW GOTHS.

mental illness rant;

i am so so tired of being told i need to go to a camp for ptsd and i am tired of being yelled at for being depressed and i am tired tired tired. Can I please just cope and be avoidant and let myself jsut learn all of my coping mechanisms.

also, STIMMING IS NOT A TREND AND IT IS NOT WEIRD. I am exhausted.

#r.txt #txt #gender shit #mental health #personal rant

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